Bad Movie Mothers

Not to be outdone, while there are a lot of bad movie fathers out there in cinema, mothers could be just as bad. Just because women were biologically created to bear children for 9 months doesn’t mean they’re any better parents. Yet, we tend to be more shocked by bad mothering simply because we kind of expect more from moms than dads. In fact, it’s possible for a man to be a dad and not even know it. Yet, this is mostly due to sexism, double standards, and all the lurid  stories on the news that pertain to crime and abuse. You know, sensationalism. However, when it comes to movies, let’s say that the moms are just as bad even if their activities tend to be more horrifying. Still, while we have women like Mrs. Gump, Mrs. Weasley, Mildred Pierce, and Mrs. Miniver, there are also a lot of movie moms who’ve made their kids’ lives such a living hell that you’d probably not want to send flowers to them. Nevertheless, for those who’ve grown up with a mom who’s constantly told you to clean your room, do the dishes, take out the garbage, and eat your vegetables as well as sometimes embarrassed you with giving you a set of pink bunny pajamas for Christmas, remember you could have to deal with moms as bad as these movie ones I list here. Also, includes stepmothers as well. So without further adieu, here is a list of monstrous movie matriarchs, you’d be glad not to have. And if you are a mom, at least it would make you happier about your parenting skills.

1. The Wicked Queen

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From: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
The Problem: Disney isn’t well known for its share of great parents (at least ones who don’t actually die in the middle of the movie). I mean there’s a lot of incompetent dads like the Sultan and Maurice as well as evil stepmothers. And as far as evil stepmothers go, I have to give that honor to the wicked queen. This woman basically puts a hit on Snow White all because she upstaged her on the Magic Mirror’s list of the Fairest One of All. I mean she sends a huntsman to rip out her heart and put it in a box as well as gave her stepdaughter a poisoned apple that put her into a deep sleep that could only be broken through sexual assault. All because of the Wicked Queen being jealous of her looks and upset about aging. Look, sister, I’d totally understand you wanting to knock off Snow White since she’ll soon reach the age of maturity and rule on her own (assuming your husband is dead), which will put you out of a job as regent and I’m sure you really enjoy the post. Then again, it’s not like she’ll be prepared for it since you made her spend a lot of her time in rags scrubbing the castle sidewalk. However, wanting to kill your stepdaughter just because a magic mirror said she was hotter than you is just fucking stupid! Look, if a magic mirror told me that I was no longer the Fairest One of All, I’d just book that Magic Mirror on the Wall an appointment with Mr. Sledgehammer. Seriously, even if you do kill Snow White, the mirror would probably name some other woman the Fairest One of All. Not worth it.
2. Joan Crawford

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From: Mommie Dearest
The Problem: Now this movie is based on a memoir by Joan’s daughter Christina who might not have presented an accurate portrait of her adoptive mother, which has been hotly contested by Bette Davis, Myrna Loy, a few of her biographers, her two younger daughters, and three of her ex-husbands. Still, it didn’t stop the legendary star from Mildred Pierce to have her public reputation ultimately destroyed. Nevertheless, while Joan desperately wants children for the sake of the publicity, she’s a control freak out of control. At one moment, she’s lavishing luxuries, only to take them away the next. She also fosters constant competition, chops Christina’s hair like a madwoman, and beating her child with a wire hanger (for hanging a dress with one). Oh, and though she screams about wanting a spotless house, she’s willing to destroy rooms just to make them clean up. Not to mention, she strapped Christopher to his bed in order to keep him from jerking off. Now that is one crazy bitch! So who the hell did her background check at the adoption agency?
3. Mrs. Windle Vale

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From: Now, Voyager
The Problem: Now Mrs. Vale has raised her daughter Charlotte to be her lifelong companion as well as do whatever she says whether it means where to spend her time, what she reads, or how to dress. And she’s been trying to control and socially isolate Charlotte since she’d tried to run off with that sailor, basically preventing her daughter from having her own life. Not to mention, she has to be constantly reminded that her mom had her in her 40s and still sees her as an unwanted child. Unsurprisingly this drives Charlotte into a nervous breakdown that Dr. Jacquith has to get her to his sanitorium for depressed rich people. Of course, after rehab, a cruise, an extramarital affair, and a Dior wardrobe, Charlotte blossoms into a new woman, but her mother is just as determined to destroy her little girl once more. And even when Charlotte basically sticks up for herself, Mrs. Vale always tries to pull any deliberate stunt to guilt her, even falling down the stairs. Yet, all throughout Mrs. Vale always seems to take pleasuring in torment her daughter. What a bitch.
4. Deirdre Burroughs

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From: Running with Scissors
The Problem: While Joan Crawford’s parenting skills can be debated, you can’t really say the same for Augusten Burroughs’ mother. Sure he’d grow up to be a famous author but still, he had a terrible childhood. His father, Norman is an alcoholic and absentee. Yet, it’s his mother, Deirdre who really makes things hell for him with her severe mood swings and erratic behavior as well as a conviction that the rest of the world is slightly dumber and less deserving of attention and praise. By the time Augusten hits puberty, he no longer feels safe because of his folks and it’s his mother who thinks her husband is out to kill her. Nevertheless, when his parents split and too obsessed with her own problems, she sends him to the house of her shrink and his eccentric family (as well as has a relationship with a schizo man in his 30s) as well as a room called a, “masturbatorium.” Still, as Deirdre becomes more mentally unsound, Augusten thinks she no longer wants him. Great mother for any aspiring writer looking for material, but puts children at a high risk therapy future. Also, it says a lot about Deirdre that while Augusten managed to reconcile with his dad, he’s still estranged from his mom to this day.
5. Margaret White

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From: Carrie
The Problem: From the pages of Stephen King, Margaret White is certainly the worst mother any high school girl could have, even by the standards of most Christian Fundamentalists. Now puberty is tough for any teenage girl, but if your mother is the kind of scary religious nutjob Carrie has, then well, you might as just run away from home. Seems like Margaret really missed the memo that all little girls grow up and basically views anything a girl experiences during adolescence as sinful. This doesn’t help that she fervently believes that all sex is sinful even within marriage and has no problem abusing Carrie in the name of God, even if it means harming herself to get her to obey as well as quoting from Bible verses that don’t really exist. Have period in the showers? Tell her she started due to sinning and drag her kicking and screaming to a Christian effigy to beg forgiveness. Go on first date? Throw burning tea into Carrie’s face and tell her she’s dirty? And when Carrie makes her own prom dress, Margaret insist she burn it and pray for forgiveness because the color red is sinful. Also, zap her with telekinetic powers? Margaret will call you a witch, denounce you as Satan spawn, and try to kill you. Is it any wonder that Carrie goes nuts with her supernatural powers and blows up the school during prom?
6. Mrs. Bates

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From: Psycho
The Problem: Well, she’s technically dead by the time the movie begins, but let’s just say she and Norman had a very twisted relationship, which was in no way healthy for either of them. Of course, Mrs. Bates’ overbearing personality and verbal abuse took a great toll on Norman who became attached to her in a very unhealthy way (guess social isolation is at play). Not to mention, she filled his head with how evil and sinful other women are, which explains why he murdered Marion Crane in the shower (because he was sexually attracted to her). Still, it shouldn’t be a surprise that Mrs. Bates was murdered by her son when she got a boyfriend (out of fear he was being replaced). Yet, this doesn’t stop her from abusing Norman in his head from well beyond the grave or as the corpse hiding in the cellar that is. “A boy’s best friend is his mother” indeed.
7. Beth Jarrett

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From: Ordinary People
The Problem: When it comes to mourning a dead child, it can be especially tough for families. Yet, despite being played by Mary Tyler Moore, Beth is hardly a source of support for her surviving son Conrad after her favorite son Buck drowns during a boating accident. Now since Conrad was with his brother at the time, he’s understandably messed up to the point where he tries to kill himself. By the time the movie begins, he’s been released from a psychiatric hospital and has started attending therapy with Dr. Berger working to help him come out of the emotional shell he’s constructed. Conrad’s father Calvin tries to make his son happy and eventually sees Dr. Berger himself. Yet, Beth doesn’t and is still tied up with Buck who was always her favorite son but she’d rather deny her loss as well as maintain her composure and restore the family to it once was. In fact, instead of helping her son heal, she remains cold and unaffectionate. And it’s later found out, during the Christmas scenes that Beth never visited Conrad while he was in the hospital as well as would rather spend the holidays without him. Still, it comes to the point in which even Calvin is questioning whether Beth loved him or is incapable of loving anyone. In some ways, you wonder if Beth wishes that Conrad died in that boating accident instead, which really makes me cringe.
8. Rose-Ann D’Arcey

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From: A Patch of Blue
The Problem: Shelley Winters has made a career of playing bad mothers as well as women who’ve endured their share of abuse. Yet, she won a second Oscar for Supporting Actress by playing this monster of a mother who’d make Cinderella’s stepmother seem like June Cleaver in comparison. Sure Rose-Ann is a prostitute and an alcoholic who keeps her teenage blind daughter Selina in almost total social isolation that she has no friends and has never received an education. During the day, Selina just does housework and strings beads for supplemental income with her only pleasure of spending a day in the park if she’s lucky. Now Rose-Ann is just as demeaning as she’s abusive and selfish. She thinks nothing of her daughter’s welfare and sees no problem forcing her to follow in her footsteps. Yet, Rose-Ann was also responsible for throwing chemicals in Selina’s face in the first place while attempting to hit her husband (which left Selina blind yet Rose-Ann blames her). However, the worst thing about her is that when Selina was raped by one of her clients, an incident that forced Rose-Ann to rent a second room for her business. But what makes it really bad is that she blames her daughter for the trouble it caused her.
9. Mary Lee Johnston

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From: Precious
The Problem: Where do I begin? Of course, this is a role that earned Mo’Nique the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. Now while Precious’ father is a real piece of shit who repeatedly raped and impregnated her twice as well as gave her AIDS, he’s not nearly as memorable as Mary. Of course, Mary is just as bad since with her abuse ranging from the physical to the emotional, “You’re a dummy, bitch! You will never know shit! Don’t nobody want you, don’t nobody need you!” As for Precious being raped by her father and having two kids to him, well, Mary just does nothing to protect her, blames her daughter for the lot, and refers her as, “the other woman.” And while Precious tries to make a better life for herself, she’s there to dash any and all hope. This isn’t a mother, but a straight up monster beyond all description.
10. Beverly R. Sutphin

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From: Serial Mom
The Problem: Unlike most of the mothers on this list, Beverly doesn’t really do anything terrible to her kids and seems like a standard 1950s suburban housewife on the surface. Yet, underneath the Stepford wife façade she’s a serial killer knocking off anyone who gets in her way, sometimes over the most trivial and perceived slights. Son’s math teacher berating your parenting as well as questions your son’s health and family life? Run him over with your car. Daughter gets stood up by her date for another girl? Kill him in the bathroom with a fire poker at the local flea market. Husband gets called away to treat a patient’s chronic toothache? Stab his wife with scissors you borrow from a neighbor and cause the air conditioner to fall on said patient. Local woman calls your son, “son of a psycho?” Follow her home and bludgeon her to death with a leg of lamb while singing along to the victim’s rented copy of Annie. Get caught by her neighbor? Chase him with your car, catch him at the local club, and set him aflame. Neighbor steals your parking space? Send a series of obscene phone calls. Wear white shoes after Labor Day? Follow victim to pay phone and fatally strike her on the head with a receiver. Now I guess she’s not setting a good example for her kids, isn’t she? Kind of makes Dexter seem like, “Father of the Year.” Movie based on an urban legend, by the way.
11. Jade
From: The Hangover
The Problem: Now I don’t think Jade being a stripper or prostitute in Las Vegas makes her a bad mother. After all, there are plenty of moms in the “adult” entertainment business who are just trying to provide for their kids. However, what puts her on the list is that she took her baby to work with her during a boozy night and left him in a hotel room with three drunken idiots and a tiger. Of course, what gets me is that this woman’s son was missing for hours yet, she seems to take her baby’s disappearance remarkably calm. I mean there’s nothing to suggest she called the police or appears the least worried about him when they meet her in her apartment. Oh, and she married one of the idiots as well and her baby wasn’t at the wedding. Seems like this boy’s guardian angel was working overtime if you ask me. Still, when a guy like Alan Garner (who certainly shouldn’t have kids) can keep a better watchful eye on a baby than his own mother, you can see why Jade belongs on the list.
12. Hattie Dorsett

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From: Sybil
The Problem: Sybil is a bespectacled substitute teacher who has 13 personalities. Understandably, this really creates a lot of difficulties in her life that she starts seeing a therapist to help sort things out. Turns out that these 13 personalities were the result of a terrible childhood under the care of her paranoid schizophrenic mother, Hattie. What Sibyl endured under her was unspeakable abuse (at least physical yet, nobody questioned what was going on despite the various injuries she sustained and this includes her father, grandmother, and even pediatrician). Nevertheless, though this movie may seem it was taken from some Lifetime Movie of the Week, but I’m sure this woman definitely belongs on this list. May even eat Precious’ mother for breakfast.
13. Eleanor Shaw Iselin

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From: The Manchurian Candidate
The Problem: Those who remember Angela Lansbury from voicing Mrs. Potts in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast would find that she didn’t always play charming grandmotherly types. In this one, she’s basically one of the cruelest and trippiest mothers in screen history. Despite being married to a close vegetable clone of Senator Joe McCarthy (alcoholic red-baiting bastard), Eleanor is actually a communist agent quietly working to overthrow the US government with her Manchurian Candidate (her John Bircher husband) and brainwashes her former Korean War POW son Raymond Shaw into becoming a political assassin and sleeper agent, subconsciously activated with a particular trigger (the Queen of Diamonds). Basically this brainwashing leads Raymond to kill his new wife and her father during the honeymoon. Oh, and let’s say that Raymond and Ellie’s relationship is more than of the familial variety (where they get a bed scene in the novel). Yet, I’m sure she’s justified since world domination is at stake. All in all, who’s mommy’s little assassin? Who’s mommy’s little assassin?
14. Olivia Foxworth

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From: Flowers in the Attic
The Problem: Well, besides being played by the kind of woman you wouldn’t want near your bedside in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Olivia is perhaps the worst grandmother in all of fiction. For one, she disinherits her daughter over her marrying her half-uncle. Second, though she tells Corinne that she could stay and inherit a family fortune as long as she keeps hides her four kids in the attic. Third, Olivia uses her daughter’s incestuous marriage in the most religiously hypocritical way to starve, abuse, lie, blackmail, and dehumanize her grandchildren as well as commit outright murder among other things. And she sees these totally innocent products of incest as, “devil’s spawn.” Not to mention, while a lot of grandmothers are known for baking cookies, hers are laced with arsenic to slowly poison her grandkids. Oh, and when she puts the kiddies up in the attic, she basically says, “So that you understand me now, I will give you food and shelter, but never kindness or love. For it is impossible to feel anything but disgust for what is not wholesome.” Sheesh, thank God my grandmother’s nothing like that.
15. Mama Fratelli
From: The Goonies
The Problem: Anne Ramsey has made a career of playing ugly bad mothers from the 1980s and Mama Fratelli is no exception. Now this woman really is a terrible sight to behold. For one, she hates kids despite having 3 of them. Second, she raised them to be thugs, killers, and scumbags. Third, though she’s an abusive parent, her son Francis is obviously her favorite while her treatment of Sloth is utterly horrifying. I mean she dropped him on his head a few times as well as chained him to a wall. How unforgivable.
16. Violet Venable

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From: Suddenly, Last Summer
The Problem: Sure she’s played by Katharine Hepburn, but Mrs. Venable makes Eleanor of Aquitaine seem like a Madonna in comparison in this Tennessee Williams adaptation. And I mean she’s just, oh, where to begin? For one, she promises to fund the state hospital to build a new wing as long as brain surgeon Dr. John Curkowicz can perform a lobotomy on her niece Catherine. Now Catherine is already experiencing shock from what happened to Violet’s son Sebastian last summer during their disastrous European vacation that her memory’s a bit fuzzy. Oh, and did I say her aunt Violet committed her to a mental institution where she’s raped by one of the staff? And she’s also having her committed to the state mental hospital, too. Yet, once the film goes on, you realize Violet’s main reason for forcing a lobotomy on Catherine has more to do with wanting to hide the truth about the circumstances behind her son’s death (like cannibalism) as well as his sordid personal life (he was a flamingly light in the loafers, to put it lightly). Second, she also has Cathy’s mother and brother consent to the commitment and lobotomy just so they could receive a considerable inheritance from Sebastian’s will. Third, it’s very clear her feelings for Sebastian were more than just familial as well as idealizes him as “chaste” though we later find out he was anything but (for those trips to Europe weren’t just about just writing poetry. Still, doesn’t stop Violet from referring to her and Sebastian as a “couple”). Not to mention, another reason why Violet may want Cathy’s frontal brain removed may have something to do with her resentment toward her as well (mostly because Cathy could give Sebastian the boy toys and she can’t). Yes, this woman would use any means at her disposal to protect her son’s legacy even if it means ruining her niece’s life.
17. Mama Rose Hovick

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From: Gypsy
The Problem: As the stage mother of the legendary stripper Gypsy Rose Lee and actress June Havoc, Mama Rose is determined to make her two daughters stars and will stop at nothing to achieve her goal, even if she has to drag them all the way across the country to get them noticed. The acts are childish, innocent stage personae that they become unable to keep up as they grow older (and are becoming incredibly sick of). She’d also go as far as to give them multiple 10th birthday parties to trick them they were indefinitely 10 years old so she could milk them for all they were worth. What their daughters really want is their mother just to settle down with her boyfriend Herbie and have a normal life. Eventually their controlling mother’s attention becomes too much for June to bear that she gets married and runs away. And then she turns her attentions to Louise (Gypsy Rose at the time) yet by that time, Vaudeville children’s shows are basically a thing of the past. So seeing burlesque as the only way for Louise to be a star, Mama Rose makes her become a stripper. Gypsy Rose Lee becomes very successful as a result but she’s disgusted nonetheless. And yes, this woman was real as well as sets the criteria for your stereotypical stage mother.
18. Erica Sayers

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From: Black Swan
The Problem: Of course, even when she grows up, a daughter will always be her mother’s little girl. Unfortunately, for Nina Sayers, her mother seems to have taken this idea up to the extreme. I mean, considering she’s a ballerina, Nina is probably in her twenties (at most), yet she sleeps in a room designed for a six-year-old girl and her mom seems to treat her like one, too, (I mean she cuts her nails, dresses her, and puts mittens on her to so she won’t scratch herself). Oh, and it’s full of holes so Erica can spy on her, which is very creepy in itself. Still, I always think that Erica is one of those stage mothers who forces her daughter to live her dreams because she had the misfortune of having her ballerina career come to an abrupt end by getting knocked up. And she’s still quite bitter about it. Still, all her verbal abuse and psychological torture on Nina takes a heavy toll on her psyche and it’s very clear that she’s already quite mentally unstable, sexually repressed, and emotionally stunted by the time the movie starts. Not to mention, she harms herself and has an eating disorder. Oh, and did I tell you that Erica is sleeping in the same room Nina is masturbating in during one scene? And it gets far worse from there, especially with the fact she’s such a perfectionist and obsessed with making mama proud. Sort of makes Mama Rose seem normal.
19. Janine “Smurf” Cody

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From: Animal Kingdom
The Problem: When 17 year old Joshua Cody’s mom dies of a heroin overdose, he’s sent to live with his grandmother Janine, and uncles. Sure she seems affectionate enough, but that might be an act. Unfortunately, Janine is the matriarch of the Melbourne crime family that specializes in armed robbery with one uncle doing some drug dealing on the side as well as carries an utterly ruthless streak. Joshua’s uncles let him learn the ropes of the family business, yet this leads to his girlfriend Nicky getting killed by one of them, just to keep her silent. Joshua calls the cops which results in two of his uncles’ arrested and jailed. Now Janine tries to get her two remaining sons out of jail by basically arranging her grandson to be killed if he ever dares to testify. So by the end of the movie, she has two sons dead, one in a catatonic state, and a grandson utterly morally conflicted, corrupted, and devastated. Still, when it comes to crime matriarchs, she’s one of the most frightening. Also, may love her sons in a way that’s off-putting.
20. Lilly Dillon

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From: The Grifters
The Problem: While her old man played the dad from hell in Chinatown, Anjelica Huston takes as a veteran con woman who comes bursting into her estranged son Roy’s life with the violence and passion of an ex-lover. And let me tell you, Lilly and Roy have a very interesting relationship possibly akin to Oedipus Rex. Sure she had him at 14 and gave him up for adoption but you’d probably think their relationship should’ve ended there. Then again could she just be motivate by just plain hatred? Yet, by the end of the day, there’s nothing more important to Lilly than mama’s little boy, except maybe expanding mama’s little bank account. Yet, she always reminds her son that he’s not good enough for anything, even being a lousy crook. Still, this doesn’t stop her from trying to seduce him, slitting his throat, stealing all his money, and leaving him bleed to death.
21. Monica Swinton
From: A. I. Artificial Intelligence
The Problem: Now I know it’s hard when your kid falls into a coma. And I can see why any parent would want a “replacement” child even if it’s a robot. But even if your real kid is cured, there’s no excuse for any mother her to abandon her android kid in the woods who’s been “courting” to win her love. Now robot child or not, what Monica Swinton did was just cruel.
22. Corrine Dollaganger

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From: Flowers in the Attic
The Problem: Sure the Dollagangers may seem like a perfect family from the outside. But when Chris is killed on the night of his 36th birthday and the Dollagangers find themselves in financial ruin, Corrine resolves to visit her childhood home Foxworth Hall, home of her old man who disinherited her over her marriage (to her uncle, no doubt). However, she’s so determined to win back the inheritance and get back into her family’s good graces that she’s willing to let her mother put her four kids in an attic for extra space to live and play until the old man croaks, where they’re locked in for years and endure all kinds of abuse. Of course, once Corrine gets a taste of the good life again floors below, she just doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the kids and remarries. Also,tries to slowly poison her kids so she could get to her dad’s money faster through arsenic, which causes her younger son’s death. Somebody please call child services immediately for this woman belongs in jail. For God’s sake, why can’t this woman avoid all this devastation and just get herself a job? Would’ve made things a lot easier.
23. Gracie Stewart

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From: The Others
The Problem: Well, at first she seems like a devoted protector who shields her two light-sensitive children in an isolated Jersey mansion just after World War II. But is she ill or is she just manipulative? Some things just don’t add up right. Mr. Stewart went to war and never returned, servants keep leaving, and the house is full of ghosts. Also, as a devout Catholic, tells her kids stories about the undead in eternal limbo. It turns out that Gracie went crazy and killed her kids before offing herself so basically her children would never grow up, tragically. Still, might be a horror movie I’d want to watch since it got critical acclaim and doesn’t seem to fit in the slasher category.
24. Alex Goran

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From: Up in the Air
The Problem: I have absolutely no problem with working moms but I do have a problem with parents being away for days and cheating on their spouses (as well as leading their lovers on like attending a family wedding with them). Now we don’t know that she’s a mother until the end when downsizer Ryan Bingham goes to see her in Chicago, which just totally devastates him. But it really tells a lot about her as a person since we’ve seen her during most of the movie in her jet-setting corporate lifestyle and sleeping around with George Clooney. Now sleeping around in the corporate world is one thing, but spending most of your time engaging in a secret lifestyle on the road just makes Jack Lemmon’s bosses on The Apartment seem like shining beacons of fatherhood (though Alex would find good company among these assholes). And what makes it worse is how likeable she seems beforehand as if she’s the missing cog that would make Ryan’s life complete, but at least he was the one to find out. I expect a scene of her kids’ discovery of her activities almost unravel like that one scene with Biff finding Willy with his pants down in Death of a Salesman. Because even though Ryan was broken enough by what he saw, just imagine how devastated her kids would be if they saw their mom banging him. Nevertheless, Alex is a very selfish woman who puts her own immediate desires before her family’s or anyone else’s and basically deceives everybody in the process. I know double standards may be in play here (seeing that a lot of guys do the same thing like Willy Loman), but I just can’t see any reason not to include Alex Goran on the list.
25. Gladys Leeman

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From: Drop Dead Gorgeous
The Problem: Now there’s nothing wrong with being ambitious or wanting the best for your child. And if there’s a way you can do this while correcting the mistakes you made in your life, then fine, but up to a point. However, Gladys is on the list for two things. For one, she enters her daughter in a child beauty pageant, which is already bad parenting for obvious reasons (well, it involves teens, but still it’s bad). Yet, you can let that slide since Gladys herself was once a beauty queen in a child pageant herself so that habit probably runs in the family. Second, Gladys is willing to have her little Rebecca win the pageant through any means necessary even if it means taking out the competition. And by “taking out the competition,” I mean bribing and hiring all the judges (of which Gladys happens to be head), having one of the contestants killed via exploding tractor, and attempting several other murders like blowing up a trailer and making a girl deaf by dropping a stage light on her. Sort of makes Toddlers & Tiaras seem like Sesame Street in comparison. And what’s worse, Rebecca is basically devoid of any real talent (basically serenading a Jesus on wheels with “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You”). If Rebecca had won, one only has to assume what kind of self-entitled bitch she’d turn out to be perhaps like Veruca Salt. Still, in her beauty pageants, the competition is deadly–literally.
26. Miranda Hillard
From: Mrs. Doubtfire
The Problem: Sally Field has been known for playing great mothers like Mrs. Gump, Norma Rae, and the mom in Places of the Heart. Unfortunately, Miranda Hillard doesn’t really measure up to that since she hires a nanny to look after her three children. Now we all know it’s really her ex-husband in disguise but come on, she should’ve known (even if Daniel was a talented voice actor with a makeup artist brother). I mean she’s been married to him for at least over fifteen years (assuming the 14-year-old was conceived legitimately). Still, being unable to recognize your ex-husband through a guise of an old Scottish nanny is a clear case of negligence, which means she shouldn’t have been granted sole custody if she wasn’t willing to properly investigate someone she planned to hire to care for her children.
27. Alice Ecklund Ward

Melissa Leo in The Fighter
From: The Fighter
The Problem: This is the role that earned Melissa Leo the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, in which she dropped the f-bomb in her acceptance speech. Now Micky Ward spent a lifetime of battling dysfunctional family members as beefy boxers. And boxing ring stage mother Alice is no exception. A fierce creature in spandex, peroxide, and shiny red daggers for nails, she’s a vengeful goddess who wields her maternal power by expecting too much from one son and not enough from the other who’s a crack addict and a crook, no less. This leads to her son Micky to take a vicious beating in a mismanaged fight that could’ve ended his life, let alone career. Sure it can be hard for any mother to admit that she’s severely misjudged her own children (take Mildred Pierce, for example). But she takes this to Adam Trask levels and beyond, with worse results. Micky must’ve been a saint to put up with her as long as he did.
28. Ruth Dewitt Bukater
From: Titanic (1997)
The Problem: Now I know what she does is quite normal for a woman for 1912, but still, she’s a real piece of work. Sure she used to be very wealthy and has no skills or desire for work but that doesn’t mean anything. For one, she’s a completely selfish woman who expects her daughter Rose to fix all the family’s problems instead of doing what she wants. And this means marrying a guy filthy rich turd named Caledon Hockley who’s proposed to Rose and the wedding is imminent by the time of the voyage. Nevertheless, it’s very clear that Rose doesn’t want to marry this guy but sees no way out of the ordeal that she throws herself overboard. Still, Ruth cares nothing about what Rose wants from life and is so determined to be rich again that she’d sacrifice her daughter’s happiness for a silver spoon. Though I can understand her being against her daughter being involved with a homeless bum, I don’t see why Ruth can just marry Rose off to some other rich guy than Cal, at least one who doesn’t shoot people when the ship sinks. Thankfully, the iceberg puts a huge dent in the wedding plans.
29. Ma Jarrett

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From: White Heat
The Problem: Sure Arthur “Cody” Jarrett is a very violent and mentally unstable criminal and it’s understandable why almost everyone in his gang and even his own wife is afraid of him. Yet, despite his self-image as a tough leader of crime-loving thugs, you also have his intimidating mother “Ma” Jarrett who really runs things for the gang as she’s the only one who could keep him from going full sociopath as well as keep him sane. However, she’s also barking in Cody’s ear and encouraging him to commit all kinds of awful offenses (like killing his wife and the second-in-command who’s screwing her). Not to mention, she knows his dad died in a madhouse but does nothing to ensure Cody would end up the same way (well, he does go to prison but that’s not much better). Surely one of the nastiest old ladies in movie history as well as a mother who’d go to great lengths to protect her batshit crazy son with even less fear than he. It’s hard to tell which one is scarier. Sure Cody may be a complete psycho but I cringe when I see Ma Jarrett discover that “Big Ed” Somers and Verna aren’t just having an affair but also plan to kill Cody Jarrett as well. Is it any wonder she had to go?
30. Miss Havisham

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From: Great Expectations
The Problem: Charles Dickens was known to create relatively decent moms save this one. Yet, as far as adoptive mothers go, Miss Havisham is about the worst among them in film, second to only Joan Crawford. Now by the look of her, you can tell that Miss Havisham has never gotten over being left at the altar as a young bride. Sure she adopts an orphan girl named Estella in hopes to save her from a world of misery. But what she really wants is revenge and she’s not above stealing Estella’s heart and putting ice in its place to do it as well ruin her chances for a normal life. Yet, Estella isn’t the only one of her victims in her cruel and self-serving game of chess with a number of people’s lives in an effort to the aching gap in her own decrypted heart. Oh, Miss Havisham, why couldn’t you let Pip marry Estella? Also, maybe it’s time you need to get over being jilted on your wedding day, seriously. Nevertheless, Miss Havisham does see the error in her ways but she ends up a suicidal wreck in the process.

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Bad Movie Fathers

I haven’t written a post for a while with the holidays, work, and the fact Christmas being over gives me a bit of a writer’s block on what posts to write next. Of course, part of the reason why I did a few posts on mythology last January is because I couldn’t think of anything else. And I really can’t think up much for New Years either. Still, growing up we’ve all had to put up with parents as well as their constant demands on us such as clean our rooms. And yes, they do embarrass us a lot as well. Now as far as fathers go, Hollywood has a wide range of them from complete and incompetent idiots to patriarchs that embody the moral virtues of society. However, this post doesn’t really focus on the great dads like Atticus Finch, Mufasa, Gru, or George Bailey nor the silly dads like Clark Griswold or Homer Simpson. Nor does it pertain to a lot of absentee fathers since they’re not around a lot and/or may not know they have kids. After all, that’s still possible. Nevertheless, for those who’ve grown up with a father who’s spend your childhood embarrassing you over the holidays or makes you do certain things like go on hunting and fishing trips, remember that at least you haven’t had to deal with these movie dads I list here. And let’s just say, I’ve also included stepfathers as well since they basically have to live with the kiddies, too. So without further adieu, here are some of the worst movie dads you can be glad aren’t yours.

1. Captain Vidal

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From: Pan’s Labyrinth
The Problem: If there’s any guy I’d nominate for the “Worst Dad Ever,” it would be him. Sure he’s only a stepfather, but I’m sure nobody in their right mind would want to have kids with him. Let’s just say that the best things about him are that he has a job he’s good at, is very personable and charismatic, is handsome, wants kids, and isn’t a pedophile. Yet, the list just ends there. Now Captain Vidal is probably one of the vilest characters I’ve ever seen on film. Vidal is a Fascist Captain in Spain who basically married to Ofelia’s mother, Carmen, just so she could provide him a son he wants so badly. And once the kid’s born, he’s basically the only person he basically cares about, well, in terms of survival, that is (after all, he has a legacy to preserve). From the moment we see Vidal, he comes off as an unpleasant man yet you might think he may have a softer side somewhere. Of course, he’s not too keen with Ofelia going on her fairy tale quests yet neither is her mother (then again, she might be afraid of him, too). Yet, this man shows his nastiness when a father and son poacher team is brought to him in the dead of night. Suspecting them rebels of the Franco regime, instead of searching their stuff (which would be sensible), Vidal just beats the son with a bottle and shoots them both in a mixture of boredom and pleasure. And while they’re found innocent later, Vidal just tells his men to be more careful next time. He also tortures a rebel with a horrible stutter later on, after cheerfully showing him his torture instruments and offering to let him go if he could count to three. He fails. Meanwhile it’s very clear that his wife is going through a particularly difficult pregnancy yet he shows no possible concern over her possible death in childbirth. Not only that, but when his wife’s doctor puts the stuttering torture victim out of his misery, Vidal shoots him in cold blood. This is the main reason why Carmen dies in childbirth. Oh, and when Ofelia tries to rescue her baby brother, Vidal basically shoots her dead. And for all his actions, he shows absolutely no remorse whatsoever. Forget the fantastical monsters, the scariest thing in this movie you’ll remember is this guy.
2. Rev. Harry Powell

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From: The Night of the Hunter
The Problem: Runner-up in the nominations for “Most Evil Stepfather Award” is perhaps Robert Mitchum’s best known character (well, one of them) in one of the scariest suspense-horror thrillers in history. Sure Powell may be a man of God, but let’s not kid ourselves, deep down he’s as evil incarnate as the Devil himself. Like Vidal, he’s quite handsome and charming (as well as a great singing voice). Still, while Vidal marries a woman to give him a son, he marries women for their money so he could get his hands on the cash when he kills them (he tells God this in the beginning, by the way. Also, hates women and thinks he’s doing God’s work). Of course, when he gets out of prison (after a conversation with a bank robber about to be executed on double homicide charges), Powell wastes no time wooing the guy’s widow Willa Harper just because he thinks her children know where the stolen money was hidden (he’s right). Yet, while he could charm almost everyone in town, it’s apparent that John sees right through him and doesn’t trust Powell at all. Sure John may put his real dad on the pedestal who basically fucked up his childhood and made him distrust cops, but compared to Powell, Ben Harper is basically a saint (and being a bank robber who killed two people, that’s saying a lot). However, Willa marries Powell anyway who not only won’t have sex with her and basically brainwashes her, which really makes life hell for her and her two children. When Willa overhears her husband asking the children for the money, he slits her throat, puts her in a car, and dumps her in the river. Then, to get the kids to tell him where the money is, he threatens to cut off John’s fingers, one by one, in front of the very young Pearl. And when he discovers the money in Pearl’s doll (this by threatening their lives), well, John basically grabs Pearl and makes a run for it up the river. Yet, Powell just ruthlessly pursues them with these children basically lucking out when they reach for Rachel Cooper’s place. Let’s just say that Robert Mitchum singing, “Leaning on the Everlasting Light” is guaranteed to send chills up your spine. Beware of preachers with the knuckle tattoos of “LOVE” and “HATE” on their hands.
3. Noah Cross

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From: Chinatown
The Problem: Finally, our first biological father on the list and played by none other than John Huston, one of the most legendary Hollywood film directors, father of Angelica and Danny, son of Walter, and grandfather of Jack who played Richard Harrow from Boardwalk Empire. I mean this guy has a lot of movies to his name as well as Hollywood relations. Still, in Huston’s final performance, he perhaps plays one of the vilest men onscreen as none other than charming tycoon, Noah Cross who only cares about accumulating as much money and power as possible. So to get support for his new reservoir project, he basically dumps thousands of gallons of water during an LA drought that basically dries up the San Fernando Valley. He also poison their wells and blows up water tanks to ruin the landowners’ property values so they could sell it to them cheap. Yet, when his son-in-law and Water Commissioner Hollis Mulrway refuses to go along with the plan since he thinks the valley is geologically unstable and doesn’t want to get 500 people killed (like what happened in the dam project), Noah still presses him. And when Hollis discovers his father-in-law’s crimes and conspiracy, Noah has him drowned in a tide pool. Now this alone could just put Noah on the list since it’s very clear that his daughter Evelyn and Hollis had rather happy marriage (well, he was a saint compared to her old man anyway. Then again, you can say that about anybody). However, the most disgusting thing Noah Cross committed was raping Evelyn when she was 15 years old, which traumatized her for life as well as resulted in another daughter, Katherine. Now his secondary goal in the film is taking possession of his “granddaughter” and subjecting her to the same abuse (and ultimately succeeds). Yet, despite all this, Cross says he doesn’t blame himself for his actions mostly out his beliefs that men are capable of anything under the right circumstances, ignorant that this is only true for men like him.
4. Darth Vader (a. k. a. Anakin Skywalker)

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From: The Star Wars Saga
The Problem: One of the most famous examples on this list. Darth Vader’s dark days of fatherhood begin long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, when he turns to the dark side and indirectly causes Padme Amidala’s childbirth death from a broken heart as well as their twins being separated from birth in the care of relatives and given up for adoption, which creates a really awkward situation later on (yes, Luke kissed his sister). Years later, he captures a rebel base with his daughter Princess Leia on it, blows up her planet and everything with it before her very eyes, and has her scheduled for execution. Luckily, his Imperial Stormtroopers didn’t find the droids they’re looking for though his son’s aunt and uncle are killed in the hunt. Later on, Vader has Leia captured again at the Cloud City planet as well as has her boyfriend frozen in carbonite and given to a bounty hunter for Jabba the Hutt. Oh, and he cuts off his son’s hand in a climatic lightsaber fight before revealing those earth shattering words, “No, Luke, I am your father” which makes Luke understandably horrified. Also, asks him to join in the family business or die. Sure he brings balance to the Force and overthrows Emperor Sidious just to save Luke’s life but still, his parenting seems to fit squarely on the Dark Side.
5. Daniel Hillard (a.k.a. Mrs. Doubtfire)

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From: Mrs. Doubtfire
The Problem: Now I totally understand why any divorced dad would wish to spend more time with his kids, especially if he’s the non-custodial parent. However, applying to be their nanny while impersonating an elderly Scottish woman isn’t a good idea, even if he’s a great cook and keeps the place spotless. Seriously, the scene of seeing Mrs. Doubtfire in the bathroom was particularly disturbing. He also tries to destroy his ex-wife’s relationship with an old flame she just reconnected with. Though the movie paints him as a somewhat competent father, he could also seem like a creepily obsessed stalker. And in many ways, that kind of makes a seemingly light family comedy appear secretly terrifying.
6. Dad Meiks

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From: Frailty
The Problem: As far as religious nuts go, while you may debate about Rev. Powell’s possible devotion to the Almighty as sincere or not, Dad Meiks basically has a religious experience which drives him to go on a killing spree with his sons and plunging his family into turmoil. While one son totally buys into his dad’s bullshit, the other is torn between his dad and thinking the guy is nuts as well as thinks his dad and brother are killing innocent people. So when your dad comes to you one morning and tells you and your brother that they’re soldiers in a heavenly war and charged with destroying demons on earth, you might want to get him institutionalized, if not jailed. Also imprisons his son in a hole.
7. Victor Frankenstein

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From: Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein
The Problem: So you managed to create life from a collection of dead body parts, which means you’ll certainly be seen as a great scientific genius for generations. The bad news is that moments after observing the giant flailing, patchwork son, stronger and larger than most human beings, Frankenstein decides he’s a monster and abandons him by high tailing to his family estate. Sure Victor might’ve been a bit too unprepared for parenthood but still, experiment or not, the Creature is his kid who needs love and acceptance by the man who created him, which he doesn’t get. Also, has no idea of how to take responsibility of his Creation either, which also leads to unfortunate implications. Of course, this leads the Creature to become a twisted victim of circumstance as well as do horrible things and in lose everyone Victor ever loved (like his brother, fiancée, parents, best friend, etc.). It doesn’t help that everyone in town is understandably afraid the Creature, which really would’ve been averted if Victor just gave him a little love and affection he desperately wanted. Instead he vows to track him down and take revenge (as well as destroys the body of the Creature’s potential love interest). Maybe we shouldn’t label his Creation Frankenstein’s Monster, shall we?
8. Colonel Frank Fitts USMC

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From: American Beauty
The Problem: As played by Chris Cooper, this man is perhaps one of the most twisted fathers in movie history. Not only is he a self-hating homophobe, right-wing military type, and collector of Nazi memorabilia, he’s also incredibly verbally and physically abusive to his son Ricky. Whenever he’s not making homophobic comments like, “I’d rather you were dead, than be a fucking faggot!,” he’s beating the living shit out of him so he could raise him in his own image, has him committed to an institution for a couple years, and has him take drug tests regularly. Of course, you can easily see why poor Ricky has turned into such a creep who deals pot and stalks his neighbor Jane Burnham. And Frank tends to have a crush on Jane’s dad whom he shoots in the garage after Leslie rejects his advances.
9. Dwight Hansen

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From: This Boy’s Life
The Problem: Another stepfather on the list and played by Academy Award winner Robert DeNiro. However, out of the bad dads here, he’s the real life expy dad for once and boy, is he a force to be reckoned with. At first he seems respectable at least in the eyes of the eccentric Caroline Wolff who thinks she’s had it made with him since she always wants to settle down and find a decent man as well as provide a better home for herself and son Toby (Leonard DiCaprio). And it does seem that Dwight has an interest in raising Toby as his kid since he has children of his own. Unfortunately, he has a need to dominate everyone in his life, even if it’s through physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. Unsurprisingly, Dwight’s marriage to Caroline leads to several years of family dysfunction, which doesn’t go well for Toby. No wonder he wants to get out of Concrete. Still, the fact that some of Robert DeNiro played gangsters much more loveable than this guy really speaks volumes about him especially when he says, “Yeah, you pull that hot shot stuff around me, and I’ll break every bone in your goddamn body. You understand me? Yeah, you’re in for a change, mister, a whole ‘nother ball game.”
10. Humbert Humbert
From: Lolita
The Problem: For those not familiar with this famous work of literature, Humbert Humbert is a professor who moves into a house as a boarder to a Charlotte Haze, charms her with his eruditeness, and marries her. Of course, if you aren’t familiar with the story itself or pop culture, Humbert Humbert is a pedophile who has an obsession with pre-teen girls he refers to as nymphets. And the girl that has caught his eye here is Charlotte’s daughter Dolores or “Lolita” as we’re more familiar with. Now as long as Charlotte is in the picture, there’s not much H. H. can do other than detail his obsession with Lolita in his diary which his sex starved wife discovers and is understandably horrified. Yet, when Charlotte dies in a traffic accident, H. H. basically kidnaps and molests her which results in her childhood being utterly destroyed and her story never being heard. Also has a habit of hitting Lolita when she fails to please him sexually or otherwise. And the worst part is, he’s not the only one abusing her either.
11. Lucas Cross
From: Peyton Place
The Problem: Basically, this is a man who works as a school janitor and stepdad who should never be around children, or at least teenage girls. For one, he’s an alcoholic. Second and more importantly, it’s very apparent that his step children hate him and for good reason. The older brother basically skips town just to avoid him and Selena can’t stand being alone with him for fear that he’s making advances to her. And that one night she returns from the graduation dance with her boyfriend, Lucas rapes her. Now impregnated, Selena understandably seeks an abortion (which is illegal) but once Dr. Swain sees Lucas chasing her in revenge, he relents but has him sign a statement and instructs him to skip town. Not to mention, this also drives Lucas’ wife to hang herself in the Mackenzies’ closet. Nevertheless, Lucas returns to Peyton Place and tries to rape Selena again but she kills him and is subsequently arrested for his murder. If it weren’t for Dr. Swain coming to Selena’s defense (as well as giving her an abortion, though I doubt that a fall would’ve caused her to miscarry), Lucas would’ve succeeded in ruining his stepdaughter’s life.
12. Bill Maplewood

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From: Happiness
The Problem: Now this guy may seem like a perfectly normal and well-adjusted guy you’d be totally fine with coaching your son’s baseball team. He’s just a man in suburbia with a loving wife and a devoted son so totally okay? We see him masturbating to images of young boys in magazines similar to Tiger Beat and convincing his son to invite his friend over for a sleepover. He then proceeds to drug the boys’ snacks and has sex with his son’s friend. Also, fantasizes shooting and killing people as well. What’s even worse is this guy is very much content with being who he is and is willing to describe all the crimes he committed to his son in graphic detail. Maybe this guy should be on a sex offenders list, instead of coaching Little League. Yeah, guaranteed to give you the creeps.
13. Ed Wilson
From: Natural Born Killers
The Problem: If there’s any Rodney Dangerfield character in which he deserves no respect, then Ed Wilson is it. Sure a father might find it difficult letting his little girl go but his is taking it beyond the pale as well as complete scumbag who beats up his wife and sexually abuses his own daughter, Mallory when she’s clean and once the liquor haze has worn off and he’s looking for lovin.’ With a man so repugnant and so utterly lacking in the basic courtesies that you wonder how he’s managed to live so long without being stabbed, you can understand why Mallory hooked up with confirmed serial killer and decided to accompany him on a killing spree. Let’s just say, no tears were shed by audiences when mass-murderer Mickey Knox drown him in the family fish tank. Of course, that action makes Mickey seem like a hero. Of course, while his fate was very much deserved, the others weren’t.
14. Jerry Blake

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From: The Stepfather
The Problem: Basically this guy is a bluebeard serial killer as well as a disciple of the Rev. Harry Powell’s Guide to Love and Murder. Yet unlike the legendary Robert Mitchum villain, he’s obsessed with being a part of the perfect family, to such an extent that if his current family doesn’t live up to his expectations (or finds out), he kills them, absorbs their assets, and moves on to another. It’s no wonder that rich single moms tend to be a prime target for him. Still, avoid the man who thinks the knife is the best solution for any family problems. Still, a rather cheerful individual until he gets angry, then it’s just “Mack the Knife” from there (and I don’t mean the song Bobby Darin sang).
15. Royal Tenenbaum

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From: The Royal Tenenbaums
The Problem: Royal Tenenbaum may have great genes to produce a brood of geniuses but he’s still a failure as a father. He singles one son out as an obvious favorite, introduces his adopted daughter as his “adopted daughter,” as well as steals from, intentionally shoots, and gets sued by his other son. Not to mention, pushing his kids to greatness but he’s still disappointed in them. And to top it all off, he fakes having stomach cancer just so he could gain his kids’ sympathy and access to the family home. Oh, and he also tries to win back his ex-wife despite the fact that she’s with another man. Sure he may be redeemed by the end but his kids are still screwed up and it’s pretty much his fault.
16. Dan Gallagher

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From: Fatal Attraction
The Problem: When it comes to adultery, it takes two to tango. Yet, when Dan cheats on his wife with Alex Forrest and casts her aside, he risks putting his family in extreme danger since Alex doesn’t take rejection too well, to put it mildly. Now if Dan had just kept it in his pants while his wife and daughter were away, there would be no crazy ex-mistress stalking him, boiling his daughter’s bunny, kidnapping his daughter from her school, and trying to kill his wife. Remember guys, this is why adultery is bad.
17. Peter McAllister
From: Home Alone 1 and 2
The Problem: Sure both the McAllisters aren’t great parents when it comes to their son Kevin. Of course, they both often ignore him enough that they leave him home alone during the Christmas holidays. But when Kevin’s abandoned during Christmas, it’s usually Kate who does everything humanly possible to get to him, even if it’s traveling on the road with John Candy and his band. Peter, on the other hand, seems keener to watch It’s a Wonderful Life than search for his son as well as seems so nonchalant about the whole ordeal. Okay, so he has a lot of kids to keep an eye on. But some of them are teenagers and plus, his uncle and aunt live under the same roof as well. So it’s not like he’s desperate for a babysitter here.
18. Lester Burnham

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From: American Beauty
The Problem: Of course, Frank Fitts isn’t the only bad father from American Beauty. The other is of course, Leslie Burnham himself, a role which earned Kevin Spacey a second Oscar. Sure he’s a selfish hedonist who feels trapped in his dull suburban life and unhappy marriage with his real estate agent wife Carolyn. Yet, even so, he should at least have some decency to at least be a bit ashamed with his crush on his daughter Jane’s friend Angela. But, no, he just starts out a workout regimen in an attempt to seduce her. This understandably creates a rift between him and Jane as well as leads to her take someone up on an offer to kill him as he begins to withdraw from her. Too bad he can’t patch things up with her by the end though (for obvious reasons). At least Ricky’s pot may slow him down a bit.
19. Denethor

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From: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
The Problem: Even the ruling families on Middle Earth can have their problems and the Steward of Gondor’s is no exception. However, you have to feel bad for Faramir here. For one, by the time we meet them both, Denethor is already grieving from losing his favorite son and heir Boromir, basically making Faramir live in his older brother’s shadow. And if that weren’t enough he sends his son and some of the best fighters of Gondor into a battle he’d surely not just lose, but possibly perish. Yet, when Faramir returns barely alive, Denethor assumes he’s dead (despite Pippin’s repeated insistence that he’s not) as well as proceeds to put him on a stack of firewood, douse with oil, and burn him alive. Thanks to Pippin being there, at least Faramir was saved and able to seek the medical treatment he needed to fully recover and marry Eowyn (also from a dysfunctional royal family, at first). Yet, I’m sure having your dad burn you alive will put you in a lifetime of therapy or whatever equivalent they have on Middle Earth.
20. Glen Whitehouse
From: Affliction
The Problem: This role gave James Coburn an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. Now with the baby boomers aging and people living longer than ever before, it’s very likely you’ll have to take care of an aging parent, especially if you’re a woman or live nearby (my dad took care of my Grandma C when I was little and my parents are running errands for my mother’s folks who live down the road from me). However, if your aging father was an abusive alcoholic, let’s say attempting a reconciliation with him will be very difficult to say the least. Yet, this is what Glenn’s son Wade tries to do. However, it was his relationship with Glenn that has infiltrated every relationship he’s ever had and acts as the lens from which he views and judges the world. Because of his dad, Wade respects some people as a pupil would to a master or he hates them and violently lashes out at them for disappointing him in holding his preconceived “high assessments” of him. Not to mention, Wade is very unstable, has a drinking problem, inability to control his anger, and a morally low view on himself. Let’s just say that Glenn’s bad parenting has really influenced how much of a bastard Wade turned out, to put it mildly.
21. Bob Ewell

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From: To Kill a Mockingbird
The Problem: While this movie is famous for featuring Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch, who basically embodies practically everything a man should be (in my opinion), you can’t leave out Bob Ewell, who’s one of the most terrible dads ever. Sure he’s a racist and impoverished hick but you can say the same about a lot of the townspeople who at least try to be responsible for their families. Ewell doesn’t seem to have the least concern for his kids and doesn’t even send them to school (they only come the first day and leave), which suggests that some form of neglect or social isolation is at play (explaining why Mayella has no friends). And it’s apparent that Ewell at least physically and emotionally abuses her more than any of his other kids. He makes his daughter’s life a complete hell and leaves her desperate for friends so it’s no surprise that she develops feelings for a black man who felt sorry for her. When Ewell saw his daughter make advances to an unwilling Tom, he beats her up and gets Robinson arrested on rape charges. Now we all know that Atticus Finch points out that Tom Robinson is incapable of laying a finger on Mayella because all her bruises indicate she was struck by someone left-handed (like Bob Ewell). And Robinson can’t use his left hand due to a childhood accident. Yet, Robinson gets convicted by an all-white-jury anyway due to racism. However, outraged at Atticus making him look like a fool, he stalks Robinson’s wife and goes after the Finch kids in the dead of night in revenge. Thank God, Boo Radley stabbed him in the end.
22. Adam Trask

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From: East of Eden
The Problem: Now Adam Trask isn’t the worst father on the list or a terrible parent at that. After all, he did raise his twin sons while his wife Kate just disappeared without a trace before turning up in Salinas as a brothel owner. Still, he’s on the list for one thing: excessive favoritism which really hurts both his sons’ well-being if you think about it. Now in the movie, it’s said that Aron is the good son while Cal is the bad son. Except that when you really get to know Cal, it’s really not the case (and may even be the opposite). Nevertheless, this doesn’t stop Adam from emotionally abusing him behind a guise of religious hypocrisy or at least refusing to acknowledge his worth as a person. Sure Cal may be a troublemaker but he’s a smart guy who craves for fatherly love and affection as well as sets up a bean growing enterprise to save his family farm after Adam’s disaster with the cabbages. Yet, no matter what Cal does for his dad, Adam always seems to see him as nothing but a piece of shit who’d never amount to anything while he sees Aron as almost incapable of anything bad. Adam’s conduct to his sons at the birthday party scene just appalls me, especially when he praises Aron for getting “engaged” to Abra (despite not proposing to her first) while basically deriding Cal for war profiteering even though he did practically everything he could to save his ass. And to make matters worse, Adam has lied to his twin boys all their lives about their mother being in heaven. This drives Aron in shock that he gets drunk and joins the army when he finds out the truth about Kate. Sure you might blame it on Cal, but if Adam hadn’t lied to them or put him on a pedestal, Aron probably would’ve been better able to handle it.
23. Thomas Jefferson

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From: Jefferson in Paris
The Problem: I know he’s a Founding Father, US president, and wrote the Declaration of Independence. However, as a parent, he didn’t treat his children equally as well as discriminated them on the basis of color. Sure his two surviving daughters by his dead wife might get the best education a Virginia plantation upbringing can offer them. Yet, we need to accept that Jefferson was a slave owner who fathered children with his slave, Sally Hemings (the first when she was 15 years old). Now while Jefferson did eventually free most of Hemings’ children (and his daughter freed Hemings), this doesn’t disprove the fact that Jefferson spent most of these kids’ early lives treating them like his property as well as viewed them socially inferior to his white children (the former might not be absolutely true but the latter was). Makes him kind of a hypocrite if you really think about it. Still, the concept of planters fathering children with slaves was a very common practice (since it explains the fact most African Americans have at least one white ancestor. Any time Henry Louis Gates does an African American’s genealogy, this always comes up).
24. Kevin Flynn

TRON: LEGACY
From: TRON: Legacy
The Problem: I don’t know about you, but I think this guy makes the dad in “Cats in the Cradle” seem like the dad in “Watching Scotty Grow.” Sure the guy is the CEO of a video game company and does his work in the game world. However, unlike most guys in the video game industry, Kevin abandoned his wife and son for twenty years just to be in a world of his own creation. Then one day, he sends his son a mysterious message from out of the blue telling him to go into the Grid. This, to get him out of a jam. I know that Sam kind of puts his dad on a pedestal and understands his dad’s obligation to the virtual world. But still, I don’t think disappearing into a virtual world for twenty years while having a wife and kid at home is a great example of responsible parenting to say the least. In fact, I’d either take Flynn as a workaholic or just plain selfish.
25. Harry Wormwood

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From: Matilda
The Problem: Of course, you have to hand it to Roald Dahl to create some of the worst parents in children’s literature, especially in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Now Harry fits to the stereotype of used car salesman to a tee and has a personality of one to boot. Of course, being a couch potato who doesn’t have any books in his house, he’s pretty horrible to his precocious daughter Matilda whom he ignores for much of her young life. That is, before packing her off to the elementary school of hell (you know, the one with Principal Trunchbull and the “chokey”), but has no qualms about the school’s disciplinary measures there (even though he should). And if that wasn’t bad enough, he jumps at the chance of disowning Matilda altogether when her kindhearted teacher offers to take her off his hands. Sure it’s a better life, but still pretty brutal that he does it without bearing a second thought.
26. Mr. Perry

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From: Dead Poets Society
The Problem: Now there are plenty of fathers in movies who may disagree with their children’s chosen path in life, particularly if it contrast to the profession they’d want their kids to be. Yet, at least most of these dads come to accept their kid’s ambitions like in October Sky or Billy Elliot. Mr. Perry isn’t one of these dads. Played by Red Foreman from That 70s Show, Mr. Perry is domineering and controlling parent who’d want nothing more than to see his son Neil go to medical school and become a doctor (which he’s willing to do and gets straight A’s). He doesn’t care what Neil wants for himself and shows absolutely no interest in what he wants to do with his life. So when he sees Neil as Puck in a local production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, you’d think Mr. Perry would finally see that his son has talent and would finally support Neil’s acting dream. Yet, this isn’t what Mr. Perry does. Instead, he goes utterly ballistic and has Neil transferred to military school. However, Neil kills himself before he could be shipped out. Now it’s very clear that Mr. Perry’s crushing Neil’s dreams and emotional abuse were what led to his son’s suicide. But, he certainly doesn’t try to consider the idea and blames his son’s death on his teacher Mr. Keating. This gets Keating fired. Bastard. Would it be any trouble for him if he’d just let Neil do community theater? Worked out for Graham Chapman.
27. Richard Detmer
From: Chronicle
The Problem: Andrew Detmer doesn’t have a great life at home or at school. He’s bullied at school, his mother’s dying of cancer, his home is a dump, his family is struggling and his dad is basically a drunk who uses him as punching bag to take out all his family’s frustrations. Yet, it doesn’t seem that Richard does anything to relieve his family’s financial stress or get his wife the treatment she needs. And in fact, despite deeply caring for his wife, he’s basically the sole reason why she can’t get any treatment since most of the money coming into the house tends to go to his booze. Yet, Richard doesn’t seem to realize that he has a drinking problem and blames everything on his son. He calls Andrew selfish for keeping an expensive camera (which his cousin gave him as a gift) as well as ransacks his room. And when his wife dies, Richard blames Andrew for it as well. For having a father like that, it’s no surprise Andrew’s superpowers became so destructive as they did.
28. Wayne Szalinski

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From: Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Honey, I Blew Up the Kid, and Honey We Shrunk Ourselves
The Problem: While many mad scientist parents can be quite terrible parents, yet Wayne has no problem with loving his children. However, he’s on this list for a reason and that is because he’s such a careless buffoon with his inventions around the house. I mean having an electromagnetic shrink ray in his attic while leaving the door unlocked basically puts his and the neighbors’ kids fighting for their lives when they accidentally wander in it and afterwards, have to band together to survive. And that doesn’t even mention unwittingly throwing the kids in the trash, having them fend for themselves against insects, a lawnmower, a cat, and a lawn sprinkler system, and having one of them almost get eaten in the cereal. Any sane person living nearby would call child services. Of course, even when he tries to make things right again, he somehow blows up his baby in one of the sequels.
29. Lt. Col. Wilbur ‘Bull’ Meechum, USMC

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From: The Great Santini
The Problem: Now my father is a former military brat (since he was born in Germany and spent some time in New Mexico), but the only way his father ran his family like a military camp was have them “confined to quarters” if he or his brother did anything bad (as far as I’ve heard from him). This guy, kind of goes beyond that. Sure he may be seen as a great Marine flying ace but he’s also an alcoholic and a failure as a dad. He’s fairly abusive to his teenage basketball star son Ben, whom he derides with, “Hey, hey, mama’s boy! Bet’cher gonna cry. Gonna cry? Let’s see you cry. Cry, sport, cry.” He has no idea how to be supportive and would rather be competitive and hold his son back even if it means humiliating him through unnecessary physical tactics. Oh, and gets his son ejected by telling him to get even with a boy from the other team. Not the kind of parent you’d want to see at your kids’ sporting events.
30. Allie Fox

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From: The Mosquito Coast
The Problem: If your dad forced you and his family to move to a faraway place, at least he didn’t say that America has perished in a nuclear holocaust and drag your family to the jungles of Belize to build a refrigeration machine so his talents can be appreciated. Yes, Allie Fox justifies the move saying that most people in the developed world have refrigerators and air conditioners. But as an engineer specializing in refrigeration technology, he doesn’t seem to respect the joy that these appliances eventually get old and break down (like any other thing you buy) and that Americans will always be hungry for the next big breakthrough in technology, which created a type of consumerism that made Steve Jobs a national treasure. But, no, being the Steve Jobs of refrigeration isn’t enough for Allie so he has to pack up his family to the Central American rainforests and attempt to construct a utopian society. And the guy cares much more for his unrealistic and ultimately doomed utopia that he manipulates his family with lies about the US being destroyed by nuclear war so he could force them to live in his unhealthy and unrealistic do-it-yourself survivalist fantasy. Unsurprisingly, his megalomania puts his family in extreme danger. Next time your dad forces you to go on a weekend camping trip, be glad he’s not this guy.

Dawning Now Our Day of Peril and other Christmas Mondegreens

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I’m sure we’ve all had made the same mistake whenever a song plays on and you sing to the words you think you’re hearing but you’re not. Sometimes this is apparent such as thinking that Bennie had electric boobs in “Bennie and the Jets,” other times, not so much. This term is known as a mondegreen coined by an American Harper’s Magazine writer named Sylvia Wright in November 1954. It was inspired by a misinterpretation of a 17th century Scottish ballad called “The Bonnie Earl o Moray” in which she writes:

“When I was a child, my mother used to read aloud to me from Percy’s Reliques, and one of my favorite poems began, as I remember:

Ye Highlands and ye Lowlands,
Oh, where hae ye been?
They hae slain the Earl o’ Moray,
And Lady Mondegreen.”

The fourth line was actually, “and laid him on the green,” so we don’t have to worry about Lady Mondegreen being murdered with the Earl of Moray or a double homicide in that matter. However, we’ve all done it a lot of times in our lives, and in the realm of Christmas carols and songs is no exception. Some of the following are from kids and some aren’t. Some of these songs are yuletide favorites, while others come from songs you’ve never heard before or in years. So without further adieu, here are some yuletide carol examples of people getting the words wrong in songs. Most of these are from the archive known as Kiss This Guy by the way, inspired from a mishearing from a Jimi Hendrix song, “Purple Haze.”

1. Burl Ives, “Have a Holly-Jolly Christmas”
Lyric: “Ho ho the mistletoe, a-hung where you can see”
Misheard as: “Ho ho the missing toe, a hunger you can see”

2. “The First Noel”
Lyric: “Born is the King of Israel”
Misheard as: “Born is the king or is Dryel”

3. “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”
Lyric: “Now bring us some figgy pudding”
Misheard as: “Check your p***y”
Comment: This came from a 6-year-old boy who honestly thought those were the words from the song.

4. Jose Feliciano, “Feliz Navidad”
Lyric: “Feliz Navidad”
Misheard as: “Fuzzy Snotty Duck”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “We asked our children their favorite Christmas song and when it was the youngest’s turn he didn’t know the name so said repeatedly, “Fuzzy, Snotty Duck. Fuzzy Snotty Duck.” To his frustration, for days, we had no idea what song it was until it came on the radio and he screamed, “Fuzzy Snotty Duck!””

5. Band Aid, “Do They Know It’s Christmas Time”
Lyric: “The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life”
Misheard as: “The only gift they’ll get this year is flies”

6. “Silent Night”
Lyric: “Holy infant so tender and mild”
Misheard as: “Holy imbecile, tender and mild”

7. “Deck the Halls”
Lyric: “Donning now our gay apparel”
Misheard as: “Dawning now our day of peril”

8. “Carol of the Bells”
Lyric: “Merry Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas”
Misheard as: “Hari Hari Hari Hari Hari Krishna”

9. “Frosty the Snowman”
Lyric: “With a corncob pipe and a button nose”
Misheard as: “With a corncob pipe and a butt and nose”

10. “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”
Lyric: “God and sinners reconciled”
Misheard as: “God and sinners wrecked in style”

11. “The Holly and the Ivy”
Lyric: “O the rising of the sun/And the running of the deer”
Misheard as: “O the rising of the South/And running the John Deeres”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “I don’t think they’re singing about Southerners cutting their grass…”

12. “Jingle Bells”
Lyric: “Oh what fun it is to ride/In a one horse open sleigh”
Misheard as: “Oh what fun it is to ride/In a one whore soap and sleigh”
Comment: Person was 10 years old at the time.

13. “Little Drummer Boy”
Lyric: “I am a poor boy too”
Misheard as: “I am a four by two”

14. “O Come All Ye Faithful”
Lyric: O come, let us adore Him,/O come, let us adore Him,/O come, let us adore Him,/Christ, the Lord”
Misheard as: “O come, let us adore Him,/O come, let us adore Him,/O come, let us adore Him,/Christ, the door”

15. “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
Lyric: “Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer/had a very shiny nose./And if you ever saw him,/you would even say it glows.”
Misheard as: “Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer/had a very shiny nose./And if you ever saw him,/He would take off all his clothes.”

16. “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”
Lyric: “He sees you when you’re sleeping…”
Misheard as: “He’ll seize you when you’re sleeping…”

17. “O Tannenbaum”
Lyric: “O Tannenbaum O Tannenbaum”
Misheard as: “O cannonball O cannonball”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “When I asked my classmates at the choral singing contest why the hell someone would want to write a song about a cannonball and sing it at Christmas.” Person was 10 at the time.

18. “Up on the Housetop”
Lyric: “Ho ho ho! Who wouldn’t go”
Misheard as: “Ho ho ho! School wouldn’t know”

19. “Winter Wonderland”
Lyric: “In the meadow we can build a snowman, we”l pretend that he is Parson Brown”
Misheard as: “In the ghetto we can build a snowman, we’ll pretend that he is partly blind”

20. Dave Matthews Band, “Christmas Song”
Lyric: “When Jesus Christ was nailed to the his tree/Said, ‘Oh, Daddy-o, I can see how it all soon will be’.”
Misheard as: “When Jesus Christ was nailed to the his tree/Said, ‘Oh, Daddy-o, I can see my house from here’.”

21. The Tractors, “Mary’s Baby”
Lyric: “Mary’s Baby, Son of Man”
Misheard as: “Mary’s baby, Son of Sam”
Comment: Son of Sam is the name of a well-known
New York area serial killer from the 1970s.

22. Myra, “Christmas Isn’t Christmas (Since You Said Goodbye)”
Lyric: “I’ve been asked to lots of parties/To celebrate the season.”
Misheard as: “I’ve bent ass to lots of potties/To celebrate the season.”

23. “I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day”
Lyric: “The belfries of all Christendom”
Misheard as: “The bell frees up all prison scum.”

24. “Lo, How A Rose E’er Blooming”
Lyric: “With Mary, we behold it, the Virgin Mother kind/To show God’s love aright/She bore to men a Savior/When half-spent was the night.”
Misheard as: “With Mary we behold it, the Virgin Mother kind/To show God’s love a riot/She farted in the manger/One hellbent Wednesday night.”

25. Nat King Cole, “The Christmas Song”
Lyric: “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”
Misheard as: “Jeff’s nuts roasting on an open fire”

26. “Good King Wenceslas”
Lyric: “Good King Wenceslas looked out/On the feast of Stephen”
Misheard as: ” “Good King Wencelas’ car backed out,/On a piece of Steven”

27. “The Twelve Days of Christmas”
Lyric: “On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me:/Twelve drummers drumming,/Eleven pipers piping,/Ten lords a-leaping,/Nine ladies dancing,/Eight maids a-milking,/Seven swans a-swimming,/Six geese a-laying,/Five golden rings,/Four calling birds,/Three French hens,/Two turtle doves,/And a partridge in a pear tree.”
Misheard as: “On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My tulip sent to me:/Twelve drummers drumming,/Eleven pipers piping,/Ten lawyers leaving,/Nine lazy Hansons,/Eight maids a-milking,/Seven warts on women,/Six geezers laying,/Five golden rings,/Four calling birds,/Three French hens,/Two turtle doves,/And a cartridge in a pantry. “

28. “We Three Kings of Orient Are”
Lyric: “We three kings of Orient are,/Bearing gifts we traverse afar.”
Misheard as: “We free kings of Oregon are,/Burying gifts we traverse afar.”

29. “While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks by Night”
Lyric: “While shepherds watched their flocks by night,/All seated on the ground,/The angel of the Lord came down,/And glory shone around. “
Misheard as: “While shepherds washed their socks at night,/All seated on the ground,/The angel of the Lord came down,/And glory shone around.”

30. Bing Crosby, “White Christmas”
Lyric: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,/Just like the ones I used to know./Where the treetops glisten,/And children listen,/To hear sleigh bells in the snow.”
Misheard as: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,/Just like the wands I used to know./Where the treetops glisten,/And children listen,/To hear slave elves in the snow. “

31. “Angels We Have Heard on High”
Lyric: “Gloria…In excelsis Deo!”
Misheard as: “Gloria…Estefan is gay, oh!”

32. “Away in a Manger”
Lyric: “The cattle are lowing,/The poor baby wakes./But little Lord Jesus,/No crying he makes”
Misheard as: “The cattle are glowing,/The poor baby shakes./But little Lord Jesus,/The crowd he does hate”

33. “Ding Dong Merrily on High”
Lyric: “May ye beautifully rhyme/Your evetime song, ye singers”
Misheard as: “May ye beautifully rhyme,/You endtime zombie singers”

34. Georg Fredrich Handel, “For Unto Us A Child Is Born” (from Handel’s’Messiah’)
Lyric: “For unto us a child is born/Unto us a Son is given.”
Misheard as: “Or unto us a chowder’s born/Unto us a sauna’s given.”

35. “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”
Lyric: “O tidings of comfort and joy/Comfort and joy/O tidings of comfort and joy.”
Misheard as: “O Tide cleans like Comet and Joy/Comet and Joy/O Tide cleans like Comet and Joy.”

36. “Go Tell It on the Mountain”
Lyric: “Go tell it on the mountain”
Misheard as: “No telling on the mountain”

37. Paul and Paula, “The Happy Holiday”
Lyric: “Mistletoe means”
Misheard as: “Mistletoe meat”

38. John Lennon, “Happy Xmas (The War Is Over)”
Lyric: “For near and the dear ones”
Misheard as: “We’re here at the Pier One”

39. “Here Comes Santa Claus”
Lyric: “He’s got a bag that’s filled with toys for boys and girls again.”
Misheard as: “He’s got a bag that’s filled with toys for poison girls again.”

40. Brenda Lee, “I’m Gonna Lasso Santa Claus”
Lyric: “I’m gonna pull, pull, pull on his beard.”
Misheard as: “I’m gonna poop, poop, poop on his beard.”

41. “Joy to the World”
Lyric: “He rules the world with truth and grace/And makes the nations prove.”
Misheard as: “He rules the world with truth and grace/And makes the nations prudes.”

42. Wham!, “Last Christmas”
Lyric: “This year, to save me from tears/I gave it to someone special.”
Misheard as: “This year, to semi frontiers/I gave it to someone special.”

43. The Carpenters, “Little Jesus”
Lyric: “He will rock you”
Misheard as: “He will rob you”

44. Harry Belafonte,”Mary’s Boy Child”
Lyric: “A new King’s born today.”
Misheard as: “New kids’ porn today.”

45. Anne Murray, “No Room at the Inn”
Lyric: “The bellboy and the porter, the waitress and the cook/Will be witnessed walking in Heaven.”
Misheard as: “The bellboy and the porter, the waitress and the cook/Will be wintessed f***ing in Heaven.”

46. “O Come, O Come, Emanuel”
Lyric: “Rejoice!”
Misheard as: “Bring toys!”

47. “O Christmas Tree”
Lyric: “Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, how lovely are your branches”
Misheard as: “Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, how lovely are your britches”

48. “O Holy Night”
Lyric: “This is the night of the dear Savior’s birth”
Misheard as: “This is the night of the deerslayer’s birth”

49. “O Little Town of Bethlehem”
Lyric: “O little town of Bethlehem”
Misheard as: “O little town of Beckley-hem”

50. Orgy, “Santa’s Creepy Secret”
Lyric: “You’ll get your Christmas wish/When you sleep with the fish”
Misheard as: “Did you get your Christmas wish/Did you sleep with the bitch”

51. The Royal Guardsmen, “Snoopy’s Christmas”
Lyric: “And then with a roar they were both on their way/Each knowing they’d meet on some other day”
Misheard as: “And then with a roar they were both on their way/It’s snowin’ made meat on some other day.”

52. Elton John, “Step Into Christmas”
Lyric: “Step into Christmas/The admission is free.”
Misheard as: “September Christmas/Be a fish on a tree.”

53. How the Grinch Stole Christmas, “Welcome Christmas”
Lyric: “Fah who for-aze!/Dah who dor-aze!”
Misheard as: “Bathroom florist!/Bathroom florist!”

54. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
Lyric: “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus”
Misheard as: “I saw Mommy killing Santa Claus”

55. “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”
Lyric: “Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walkin’ home from our house Christmas Eve”
Misheard as: “Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walkin’ home from outhouse Christmas Eve”

56. “Sleigh Ride”
Lyric: “Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, ‘You hoo!'”
Misheard as: “Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, ‘You fool!'”

57. Alvin and the Chipmunks, “Christmastime Is Here”
Lyric: “Time for joy and time for cheers”
Misheard as: “Time for boys and time for tears”

58. Paul McCartney, “A Wonderful Christmas Time”
Lyric: “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time”
Misheard as: “Disney’s having a wonderful Christmas time”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “I thought this song had been the soundtrack to a Disney Christmas special or had been the representation to every Walt Disney Christmas special that had ever been made. How wrong I was.”

59. Andy Williams, “Happy Holidays”
Lyric: “…Leave a peppermint stick for Old Saint Nick, hanging on the Christmas tree.”
Misheard as: “…Place a peppermint stick around your ***k, hanging for all to see.”

60. Brenda Lee, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”
Lyric: “Later we’ll have some pumpkin pie and we’ll do some caroling.”
Misheard as: “Maybe we’ll have some f**kin’ pie and we’ll shoot some cat or thing”

61. Mariah Carey, “All I Want for Christmas”
Lyric: “I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Misheard as: “I don’t want her, not for Christmas.”

62. The Beach Boys, “Little Saint Nick”
Lyric: “Merry Christmas Saint Nick”
Misheard as: “Merry Christmas Satan”

63. Hanson, “At Christmas”
Lyric: “Memories round the Christmas tree/Are the sweetest ones that remain with me”
Misheard as: “Memories round the Christmas tree/Are the sweetest swans that will mate with me”

64. Mariah Carey, “Oh! Santa”
Lyric: “Oh Santa!/I heard that it’s really gonna snow this year/So I hope Rudolph and them other 8 reindeer/Get you safely here”
Misheard as: “Oh Santa!/I heard that it’s really gonna snow this year/So I hope for a phantom of the ape reindeer/But you’re safely here”

65. Elvis Presley, “Santa Bring My Baby Back to Me”
Lyric: “Santa bring my baby back to me”
Misheard as: “Santa, break my leg, bring it back to me”

66. “The Wassail Song”
Lyric: “Here we come a-wassailing”
Misheard as: “Here we come a-waddling”

67. Andy Williams, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”
Lyric: “It’s the most wonderful time of the year”
Misheard as: “It’s the most wonderful time for a beer”

68. Coca-Cola “Holidays Are Coming”
Lyric: “Holidays are coming, holidays are coming, holidays are coming….
Misheard as: “Hurricanes a coming, hurricanes a coming, hurricanes a coming…”

69. N’SYNC, “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays”
Lyric: “And all the blessings from above/God sends you His love”
Misheard as: “And all the blessings from above/Condoms you just love”

70. Judy Garland, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”
Lyric: “Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of yore.”
Misheard as: “Here we are, as in olden days, happy golden rays, up yours.”

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers

The-Classic-Christmas-Album-cover

It’s that time of year again when Christmas music beckons in the stores to the point of basically making your ears bleed. Working at Macy’s, I have had to hear hours worth of Christmas music during my shifts, which sometimes makes me sick of hearing it. Yet, there’s this song I particularly despise called “Last Christmas” originally recorded by Wham!, wondering if it’s perhaps the most played Christmas song at the Guantanamo Bay Detention Center. And I admit, just to listen to that song once is torture. Still, imagine being the people who have to do these songs either as the artist or the songwriter (sometimes both, but these are old songs). Did you know that a lot of guys who wrote a great portion of your favorite Christmas songs were Jews? Of course, we all know about Irving Berlin writing “White Christmas” but a Jewish guy also wrote the song “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Then of course, you have a lot of high profile artists do Christmas albums which usually sell before ending up on the discount rack in some Big Lots after the Christmas season. Still, we know that a lot of these musical recording artists probably have contractual obligations, record the album in July, and probably don’t want to sing a lot unoriginal songs for an album that will only sell a part of the year. Still, without further adieu, here’s a treasure trove of some of the tackiest Christmas album covers just to get your mind off the Christmas music you probably can’t get out of your head.

1. Thore Skogman: Klappa Pa!

This guy seems very enthusiastic about his Christmas sausage. Seems like he's a bit of a gourmand himself. Still, hope he's not from the Eastern Bloc since I wouldn't know how he obtained that fruit.

This guy seems very enthusiastic about his Christmas sausage. Seems like he’s a bit of a gourmand himself. Still, hope he’s not from the Eastern Bloc since I wouldn’t know how he obtained that fruit.

I suppose in this man’s country, “Klappa Pa!” means Christmas sausage time.

2. Eilert Pilarm: Eilerts Jul

He looks more like the drunken IT guy at the office Christmas party than anything relating to a Santa's helper version of Elvis Presley. Probably passes out in the middle of "Blue Christmas."

He looks more like the drunken IT guy at the office Christmas party than anything relating to a Santa’s helper version of Elvis Presley. Probably passes out in the middle of “Blue Christmas.”

Merry Christmas from the North Pole’s resident Elvis Impersonator.

3. Conway Twitty: A Twismas Story with Twitty Bird and Their Little Friends

Yes, that looks like Tweety Bird all right. Still, while Tweety Bird went on to become a fantastic and beloved Looney Tunes character for generations, Twitty Bird's alcoholism went from bad to worse and he was found dead in his cage from liver cirrhosis a la Hank Williams style.

Yes, that looks like Tweety Bird all right. Still, while Tweety Bird went on to become a fantastic and beloved Looney Tunes character for generations, Twitty Bird’s alcoholism went from bad to worse and he was found dead in his cage from liver cirrhosis a la Hank Williams style.

I’m sure Warner Brothers threatened to sue if Conway Twitty used Tweety Bird.

4. Lenny Dee: Happy Holi-dee

He may not be Santa but I'd certainly would never let my dog sit on his lap. After all, he seems to harbor evil in his eyes.

He may not be Santa but I’d certainly would never let my dog sit on his lap. After all, he seems to harbor evil in his eyes.

Oh, Lenny!  You and your poodles! I bet they ride on your lap in your car, too!

5. 24 Sint Nicolaasliedjes

Of course, after listening to David Sedaris' "6 to 8 Black Men" essay, there was no way I could leave this one out. Still, if your Secret Santa is black, stay away from this one.

Of course, after listening to David Sedaris’ “6 to 8 Black Men” essay, there was no way I could leave this one out. Still, if your Secret Santa recipient is black, stay away from this one.

For any traditional Dutch Christmas with Saint Nick and gift giving tar babies in all.

6. The Hokner Kazoo Orchestra: Christmas with Kazoo

It's like an instrumental version of the horrible Kidz Bop series. Still, seriously, why would anyone in their right mind think this was a good idea?

It’s like an instrumental version of the horrible Kidz Bop series. Still, seriously, why would anyone in their right mind think this was a good idea?

Listen to Christmas music on kiddie toy instruments.

7. White Christmas

Man, this guy seems like he's a. stepped on his kids' legos, b. received a hit in the groin from karate class, c. is constipated, or d. all of the above.

Man, this guy seems like he’s a. stepped on his kids’ legos, b. received a hit in the groin from karate class, c. is constipated, d. passing a kidney stone, or e. all of the above.

So, apparently Christmas albums are a thing in South Korea. Boy, that guy must be in serious pain.

8. A First Christmas Record for Children

Now this Santa is just terrifying beyond all description. Seriously, what were the album designers thinking? Then again, they were probably under contract anyway.

Now this Santa is just terrifying beyond all description. Seriously, what were the album designers thinking? Then again, they were probably under contract anyway.

If you want your children to develop a love of Christmas songs and a lifelong fear of Santa, then this is the album for you.

9. Merry Christmas with the Mom and Dads

Actually, when I see their faces, I seriously feel kind of creeped out instead of welcomed. Seriously, I'm sure there's a dead body in their house somewhere.

Actually, when I see their faces, I seriously feel kind of creeped out instead of welcomed. Seriously, I’m sure there’s a dead body in their house somewhere.

Kind of like a Christmas version of Mama Mia! but with ugly people and not ABBA.

10. Kiro Slabinac: Christmas with Kiro

Now this probably have to be the cheesiest Santa Claus I've ever seen. Seriously, that 1970s looking stache makes him more suitable for some porn or exploitation film than anything relating to wholesome entertainment.

Now this probably have to be the cheesiest Santa Claus I’ve ever seen which doesn’t have an ounce of jolly in him. Seriously, that 1970s looking stache makes him more suitable for some porn or exploitation film than anything relating to wholesome entertainment. Also, seems like he’d basically bash your brains out during a pool tournament at the North Pole.

I’m sorry, folks, but I’m sure Santa Claus doesn’t really belong in the glam rock scene or studio wrestling for that matter.

11. Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album

Yes, Star Wars fans, this does exist. So you can hear all your Christmas favorites sung by your favorite Star Wars characters. Also, it was Han who shot Santa Claus first.

Yes, Star Wars fans, this does exist. So you can hear all your Christmas favorites sung by your favorite Star Wars characters. Also, it was Han who shot Santa Claus first.

Merry Christmas a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away…

12. Christmas on Death Row

I'm sure nobody wants to hear Sherman and the Skinheads' version of "White Christmas," do you? I'm sure that one has nothing to do with snow.

I’m sure nobody wants to hear Sherman and the Skinheads’ version of “White Christmas,” do you? I’m sure that one has nothing to do with snow.

Hear all your Christmas favorites sung by the likes of some of the most dangerous criminals in the country.

13. The Black & White Minstrel Show featuring the George Mitchell Minstrels: The Magic of Christmas

Seriously, why the fuck does this album exist? You mean they were still doing minstrel shows at this time? Shouldn't these be burned already? And I don't mean burned as CDs. I mean like bonfire burned so nobody would see such minstrel albums again.

Seriously, why the fuck does this album exist? You mean they were still doing minstrel shows at this time? Shouldn’t these be burned already? And I don’t mean burned as CDs. I mean like bonfire burned so nobody would see such minstrel albums again. Wait until the NAACP hears about this.

Enjoy Christmas like your white ancestors did in a way you’d really want to forget. Available in all Jim Crow and KKK record stores. Key songs are: “Have Yourself a Racist Little Christmas,” “White Christmas,” “Burn the Fiery Cross,” “The Little Klu Klux Boy,” and “Yuletide Lynching Time.”

14. The Blues Busters: Merry Christmas

However, I don't know what to make of having these two guys' disembodied heads on a Christmas wreath. Now that looks really freaky.

However, I don’t know what to make of having these two guys’ disembodied heads on a Christmas wreath. Now that looks really freaky.

Merry Christmas from the black guys who seem to be ripping off the Blues Brothers, at least in name anyway.

15. Gaby Berger: Du Bist Nicht Der Weihnachts-Mann

After posing on this album with Psycho Claus, Gaby Berger would never be seen again. It's rumored that the guy behind the Santa mask brutally murdered her in cold blood.

After posing on this album with Psycho Claus, Gaby Berger would never be seen again. It’s rumored that the guy behind the Santa mask brutally murdered her in cold blood.

I’m no expert in German but I’m sure this means “A Silent Night with Psycho Claus.”

16. X-Mas Project

Is it just me or do those rock Santas seem like they've just come out of the grave for some reason? Also, I'm sure the cover artist was fired immediately after doing this.

Is it just me or do those rock Santas seem like they’ve just come out of the grave for some reason? Also, I’m sure the cover artist was fired immediately after doing this.

Celebrate the season with this rock group of Santa death metal musicians.

17. Tiny Tim: Tiny Tim’s Christmas Album

Of course, while Tiny Tim may have the kind of face you'd like to see on some heavy metal or real dark emo cover, he actually had a rather high pitched voice and was known for doing, "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" on a ukelele. And he got married on a light night show. Nevertheless, he was a very creepy dude.

Of course, while Tiny Tim may have the kind of face you’d like to see on some heavy metal or real dark emo cover, he actually had a rather high pitched voice and was known for doing, “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” on a ukelele. And he got married on a late night show. Nevertheless, he was a very creepy dude.

Despite the cover imagery, this album doesn’t fall under death metal or emo. In fact, quite the contrary to the fans’ disappointment.

18. The Surfers: Christmas from Hawaii

Of course, the Surfers actually wanted a different artificial Christmas tree, but the aluminum pink one was the only one the store had that could fit on their boat.

Of course, the Surfers actually wanted a different artificial Christmas tree, but the aluminum pink one was the only one the store had that could fit on their boat.

Because nothing stirs up your nostalgia for Christmas more than four shirtless Polynesian guys rowing a canoe with a pink aluminum Christmas tree on it.

19. Santa’s Helpers: All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth & Festive Favorites for Children

At least if this kid had some form of corrective vision surgery, he might be significantly less creepy than he seems in this album cover. Seriously, what were they thinking?

At least if this kid had some form of corrective vision surgery, he might be significantly less creepy than he seems in this album cover. Seriously, what were they thinking?

Well, this child has his two front teeth but perhaps you might want to buy this album so he could have some corrective vision surgery for being cross eyed.

20. Wilf Carter: Christmas in Canada

Seriously, if it didn't say "Christmas in Canada" I would've mistaken this for some country western album. I don't know what the Canadians think about such a design, but here in America, we don't associate Canadians with cowboy culture. Probably should've used a Mountie or a hockey player instead.

Seriously, if it didn’t say “Christmas in Canada” I would’ve mistaken this for some country western album. I don’t know what the Canadians think about such a design, but here in America, we don’t associate Canadians with cowboy culture. Probably should’ve used a Mountie or a hockey player instead.

Because nothing reminds us of a Canadian Christmas more than a man dressed as a snazzy cowboy holding a guitar. Oh, wait, I’m thinking of Texas.

21. Heino: Deutcshe Weihnacht…und Festliche Lieder

For those who haven't seen my post on tacky album covers, Heino's the guy I said seems more appropriate for some Dieter inspired music video. He was the guy holding the roses. And he's even more terrifying in shades.

For those who haven’t seen my post on tacky album covers back in February, Heino’s the guy I said seems more appropriate for some Dieter inspired music video. He was the guy holding the roses. And he’s even more terrifying in shades.

Man, I didn’t know that Dieter’s creepy blond friend had a Christmas album. Must be very popular back in Germany.

22. The Border Brass: Tijuana Christmas

Also, I don't know about you, but I'm sure Tijuana, Mexico isn't known for their harsh snowy winters during the Christmas season. In fact, the average winter temperatures in Tijuana are usually in the upper 50s and you don't have a white Christmas in those weather conditions.

Also, I don’t know about you, but I’m sure Tijuana, Mexico isn’t known for their harsh snowy winters during the Christmas season. In fact, the average winter temperatures in Tijuana are usually in the upper 50s and you don’t have a white Christmas in those weather conditions.

Or as someone who spent high school and college playing in marching band: How Not to Decorate Your Instrument for Christmas. I mean putting baubles at the bell end of your trumpet is a very terrible idea. Also, playing with mittens doesn’t help either.

23. Colonel Sanders: Christmas with Colonel Sanders

Seriously, how did this album ever come to exist? Then again, it's tradition in Japan to eat KFC for Christmas since the 1970s so that probably has something to do with it.

Seriously, how did this album ever come to exist? Then again, it’s tradition in Japan to eat KFC for Christmas since the 1970s so that probably has something to do with it.

Have a Kentucky Fried Christmas with the Colonel because who in the hell needs healthy arteries this holiday season?

24. Slim Whitman: Christmas with Slim Whitman

Still, despite him looking quite skeevy in his Hugh Hefner style smoking jacket and ascot, I'm sure Slim Whitman's music will live on forever since it really comes in handy during a Martian invasion. Seriously, it makes Martians' heads explode.

Still, despite him looking quite skeevy in his Hugh Hefner style smoking jacket and ascot, I’m sure Slim Whitman’s music will live on forever since it really comes in handy during a Martian invasion. Seriously, it makes Martians’ heads explode.

I’m sure this Christmas album was totally not contractually obligated. Sure it was.

25. Korla Pandit: Merry Xmas

Then again, snake charming Christmas music might really come in handy during this holiday season, especially if you live in areas with a lot of mice and vermin. Of course, this may not be a good thing in Florida with the Burmese Python roaming around. Those can get quite big and possibly eat you.

Then again, snake charming Christmas music might really come in handy during this holiday season, especially if you live in areas with a lot of mice and vermin. Of course, this may not be a good thing in Florida with the Burmese Python roaming around. Those can get quite big and possibly eat you.

Finally, the kind of Christmas music to charm snakes with. Also, totally not contractually obligated (yeah right, this guy probably doesn’t even celebrate Christmas).

26. Jimmy Buffet: Christmas Island

Seems like Jimmy Buffet has spent too much time wasting away in Margaritaville. Either that, or has been on an epic mission searching for his lost shaker of salt.

Seems like Jimmy Buffet has spent too much time wasting away in Margaritaville. Either that, or has been on an epic adventure searching for his lost shaker of salt. Still, that tan is just atrocious.

Nothing says Christmas like a guy in a Santa hat floating across the sea in a bathtub decked with Christmas lights and tinsel decorations.

27. The Goldiggers: We Need a Little Christmas

I'm sure that's whatever in those presents aren't exactly what these women wanted for Christmas. To know what these girls wanted for Christmas, see the track of "Santa Baby." You get the idea.

I’m sure that’s whatever in those presents aren’t exactly what these women wanted for Christmas. To know what these girls wanted for Christmas, see the track of “Santa Baby.” You get the idea.

Merry Christmas from the Society of Retired Bond Girls, apparently. Then again, these women might’ve been in the James Coburn Our Man Flint series, which my dad likes for some reason. Of course, they were making fun of the Bond movies. Still, that In Like Flint makes me understand why many women became feminists (because it was horribly sexist).

28. Jacob Miller and Ray I: Natty Christmas

Still, unless you live in Colorado and Washington (as far as I know), you might get arrested for having a marijuana Christmas tree. Yet, one of the great things about a pot tree is that you can smoke it after you're done with it.

Still, unless you live in Colorado and Washington (as far as I know), you might get arrested for having a marijuana Christmas tree. Yet, one of the great things about a pot tree is that you can smoke it after you’re done with it.

Jacob and Ray wish that all of you develop a lot of high times this Christmas and have a stoned New Year.

29. Merry Christmas

As you've probably guess, this was recorded in Japan. Still, this little girl seems quite friendly for someone who's able to crush buildings and eat you alive. Her gigantic condition probably was a side affect from Hiroshima or something.

As you’ve probably guess, this was recorded in Japan. Still, this little girl seems quite friendly for someone who’s able to crush buildings and eat you alive. Her gigantic condition probably was a side affect from Hiroshima or something.

Merry Christmas from the cherry 100 ft tall Asian child, who’ll probably be destined to square off with Godzilla in Tokyo someday.

30. Joyeux Noel

Seriously, that tan doesn't look real at all. Still, she doesn't seem to be in the festive mood for this Christmas season. Then again, they may be aiming for irony here.

Seriously, that tan doesn’t look real at all. Still, she doesn’t seem to be in the festive mood for this Christmas season. Then again, they may be aiming for irony here.

Nothing says Christmas than an aluminum Christmas tree and a depressed blond who seems to be spending too much time in the tanning salon.

31. Domencio Savino and his Orchestra and Chorus: Hi-Fi Christmas Party

Of course, how they managed to fit Santa in his bright red sack without damaging the toys, I'll never know. Oh, yes, magic. Now I remember.

Of course, how they managed to fit Santa in his bright red sack without damaging the toys, I’ll never know. Oh, yes, magic. Now I remember.

There’s nothing that brings a family together for Christmas than a mother and her children cheerfully attempting to hold Santa hostage in his sack.

32. Sing with Marcy

I have yet to understand the use of why ventriloquism seems to be so rampant in the Christian media. And the dummies always seem to be so creepy. Still, I'm sure Marcy is likely to haunt children in their dreams.

I have yet to understand the use of why ventriloquism seems to be so rampant in the Christian media. And the dummies always seem to be so creepy. Still, I’m sure Marcy is likely to haunt children in their dreams with her plans for world domination.

Because you celebrate the birth of Christ without hearing a scary woman decked in red and furs sing about Jesus with her equally creepy dummy.

33. Michl Kang: Wenn’s Christmaskindl Kommit

For a traditional German Christmas album, there are so many options for a cover. I mean they could've used Saint Nicholas giving sweets to children or a rustic village in the snow. Why they chose Grandpa making children cry, I have no idea.

For a traditional German Christmas album, there are so many options for a cover. I mean they could’ve used Saint Nicholas giving sweets to children or a rustic village in the snow. Why they chose Grandpa making children cry, I have no idea.

Looks like Grandpa made young Jurgen cry after he  told the kiddies about the legendary Krampus. Probably scared the shit out him that there’s a large dark spot on Jurgen’s lederhosen.

34. Jackie Gleason: All I Want for Christmas

For those unfamiliar with vintage pop culture, let me tell you that Jackie Gleason wasn't known for being blond bombshell singer. In fact, Jackie Gleason was actually a guy known for his work as an actor, comedian, and musician best remembered as Ralph Kramden from The Honeymooners. Also, he was know to have dark hair and be overweight. He was also at least middle aged at the time. Having him in a Santa suit on the cover would've been more appropriate.

For those unfamiliar with vintage pop culture, let me tell you that Jackie Gleason wasn’t known for being blond bombshell singer and model. In fact, Jackie Gleason was actually a guy known for his work as an actor, comedian, and musician best remembered as Ralph Kramden from The Honeymooners. Also, he was know to have dark hair and be overweight as well as didn’t achieve widespread fame until he was in his late 30s. Having him in a Santa suit on the cover would’ve been more appropriate.

When your job is to design an album cover and you’ve run out of ideas, you’ll more likely go with putting a blond bombshell in a Santa suit on it.

35. Rudy Ray Moore: This Ain’t No White Christmas

Yes, I know this cover is fairly offensive to the African American community, yet at least this is better than the covers featuring blackface. Still, for those thinking that rap covers are offensive, you might want to send an apology.

Yes, I know this cover is fairly offensive to the African American community, yet at least this is better than the covers featuring blackface. Still, for those thinking that rap covers are offensive, you might want to send an apology.

Because there’s no better way to say “Merry Christmas” in the realm of blackploitation. Also a way of telling the world, “I’m a pimp.”

36. Phil Spector: Christmas Album

We should've known that Phil Spector was a mad man capable of killing somebody. Yet, we ignored this album image because he was known to produce really great records with the Beatles, John Lennon, and the Ramones.

We should’ve known that Phil Spector was a mad man capable of killing somebody. Yet, we ignored this album image because he was known to produce really great records with the Beatles, John Lennon, and the Ramones.

Now this Santa seems so sketchy with an insane look in his eyes that you’d think he might be out to kill somebody. Oh, wait, that’s Phil Spector so he did. And that snow looks totally fake.

37. Bordello Mamas: Julvisor

Still, I have to admire this cover artist's use of having at least one full figured woman in here. However, Santa has a lot to answer for if Mrs. Claus ends up contracting genital herpes.

Still, I have to admire this cover artist’s use of having at least one full figured woman in here. However, Santa has a lot to answer for if Mrs. Claus ends up contracting genital herpes.

Nothing excites a bunch of naked women more than a pantsless Santa and his sack full of dildos. Possibly the most inappropriate album cover I’ve ever seen as well as the most unnecessary since porn is more of a visual medium if you know what I mean.

38. Nuttin’ and Suzy Snowflake: Nuttin’ for Christmas and Suzy Snowflake

Yes, I'm sure this album will make an unforgettable as if these two terrifying puppets are about to murder you in your sleep. Seriously, they're creepy as hell.

Yes, I’m sure this album will make an unforgettable as if these two terrifying puppets are about to murder you in your sleep. Seriously, they’re creepy as hell.

Now you get a glimpse on what it’s like to spend the holidays with Chucky’s family.

39. Liberace: Twas the Night Before Christmas

Still, whether you like it or not, I'm sure that there can be no more appropriate image for Liberace Christmas album than having him in his ridiculous multi-decker fur coat. Of course, let's hope it's not made from baby seals.

Still, whether you like it or not, I’m sure that there can be no more appropriate image for Liberace Christmas album than having him in his ridiculous multi-decker fur coat. Of course, let’s hope it’s not made from baby seals.

If it weren’t for Liberace being flamboyantly gay, I would’ve sworn that he was Lady Gaga’s biological father.

40. Lagna Fieta and his Orchestra: Natal Dancante

I know that the title translates to: "Christmas Dance Party" from Portuguese. Yet, when I see a picture of two lets sticking out from a sack, I don't think the term "dance party" comes to mind. Seems like Santa Claus has some explaining to do.

I know that the title translates to: “Christmas Dance Party” from Portuguese. Yet, when I see a picture of two lets sticking out from a sack, I don’t think the term “dance party” comes to mind. Seems like Santa Claus has some explaining to do.

Or as I call it: Santa Claus and the Missing White Woman.

41. Kay Martin and her Body Guards: I Know What He Wants for Christmas But I Don’t Know How to Wrap It!

Man, this album cover does demonstrate how sex seems to sell in the music industry. Still, it's kind of funny considering that SNL did a sketch on a similar matter with the music video to "Dick in a Box." But that only applies to guys.

Man, this album cover does demonstrate how sex seems to sell in the music industry. Still, it’s kind of funny considering that SNL did a sketch on a similar matter with the music video to “Dick in a Box.” Yet, when it comes to wrapping, ladyparts are a bit more complicated.

For God’s sake, lady, I’m sure we all know how to keep your present a secret this Christmas. Still, he might appreciate something more concrete like a new wallet, some tools an gadgets, or perhaps a jersey from his favorite sports team.

42. Merry Christmas to You

Even more ironic is that this album features artists such as Pat Boone, the Lennon Sisters, the Mills Brothers, and the Lawrence Welk Orchestra. These artists weren't exactly people you'd expect on an album with such a provocative cover.

Even more ironic is that this album features artists such as Pat Boone, the Lennon Sisters, the Mills Brothers, and the Lawrence Welk Orchestra. These artists weren’t exactly people you’d expect on an album with such a provocative cover.

Apparently, in the 1960s, being clothed in nothing but clear plastic was considered wholesomely dressed.

43. Ross Christman: Space Age Santa Claus

I just have a few questions about this picture. For one, why is that tree still alive while Santa is wearing a space helmet? Also, how does Santa keep his toys in his sack within zero gravity?

I just have a few questions about this picture. For one, why is that tree still alive while Santa is wearing a space helmet? Also, how does Santa keep his toys in his sack within zero gravity?

Santa Claus sends his Christmas wishes, from Space!

44. Tim Dinkins: Christmas on the Moon

Seems like moon fever was so great in the summer of 1969 that it spread over the the Christmas music industry as well. Still, hope Santa got back all right afterwards.

Seems like moon fever was so great in the summer of 1969 that it spread over the the Christmas music industry as well. Still, hope Santa got back all right afterwards.

Guess Santa Claus took part in the Apollo Space Program didn’t he? At least this space album makes better sense from the last one. Guess Santa’s involvement was a state secret.

45. The Three Suns: A Ding Dong Dandy Christmas!

Still, I wonder if she either "spread eagle" as they found her or were they involved in some kinky figure skating routine beforehand. Maybe I don't want to know.

Still, I wonder if she either “spread eagle” as they found her or were they involved in some kinky figure skating routine beforehand. Maybe I don’t want to know.

Seems like this woman just got lucky on the ice three times over in “spread eagle” mode. Luckily this wasn’t during the hockey game. Still, makes me shudder to think what kind of figure 8s these guys gave her.

46. It’s a Waffle House Christmas

Seriously, Christmas and Waffle House really don't go together. I mean besides breakfast, the Waffle House is also known as some sort of dive for drunks and stoners at 2 a.m. Basically a poor man's version of "Hotel California."

Seriously, Christmas and Waffle House really don’t go together. I mean besides breakfast, the Waffle House is also known as some sort of dive for drunks and stoners at 2 a.m. Basically a poor man’s version of “Hotel California.”

Celebrate Christmas with the sounds of perhaps one of the more depressing places to stay during the Christmas season.

47. Anne Guest Moore: Welcome to the World of Anne Guest Moore

Well, I'm sure she's only doing the Santa's Little Helper gig for the 20% discounts. Still, I guess we all have to get our start somewhere, even if it's in a velvet costume.

Well, I’m sure she’s only doing the Santa’s Little Helper gig for the 20% discounts. Still, I guess we all have to get our start somewhere, even if it’s in a velvet costume.

While not spending her nights at lavish parties during the evening as a lady of the night, she spends her time during the day as an elf for Santa at the mall.

48. Connie Francis: Christmas in My Heart

Seriously, whoever she's on the phone with is probably a telemarker, an ex-boyfriend who can't take a hint, or both. Either way, she seems moments away from hanging up on the annoying caller in question.

Seriously, whoever she’s on the phone with is probably a telemarker, an ex-boyfriend who can’t take a hint, or both. Either way, she seems moments away from hanging up on the annoying caller in question.

Well, while Christmas may be in her heart, I’m sure the person she’s on the phone with isn’t.

49. John Tesh: A Romantic Christmas

No wonder why the people of Lexington boarded up their houses whenever they thought they heard Paul Revere say, "John Tesh is coming!" Of course, this is coming from a sketch pertaining to a 1990s Warner Brothers cartoon Histeria, which unfortunately isn't available in DVD. Bastards.

No wonder why the people of Lexington boarded up their houses whenever they thought they heard Paul Revere say, “John Tesh is coming!” Of course, this is coming from a sketch pertaining to a 1990s Warner Brothers cartoon Histeria, which unfortunately isn’t available in DVD. Bastards.

Only romance going on here is whether John Tesh decides to spare this lady from his advances this Christmas Eve.

50. Disco Noel

I don't know about you but I really don't think that Christmas and Disco really go together. Still, this woman really seems particularly excited to decorate her home with little ornaments of disco balls.

I don’t know about you but I really don’t think that Christmas and Disco really go together. Still, this woman really seems particularly excited to decorate her home with little ornaments of disco balls.

At your Christmas party, celebrate the holiday season with your Christmas classics set to funky disco music.

Merry Christmas from Our Family to Yours on Christmas Memories

Here's a picture of me with my sister and cousins at my grandparents' house during Christmas of 1994. Here I am pictured between my cousins Frank and John while my sister Molly is seated near my cousins Kerry Ann and Josh.

Here’s a picture of me with my sister and cousins at my grandparents’ house during Christmas of 1994. Here I am pictured between my cousins Frank and John while my sister Molly is seated near my cousins Kerry Ann and Josh. Thank God, my parents got rid of that big ugly couch.

Of course, my family gets a lot of photos from family and friends around this time of year. And I’m sure that Christmas is a time of year when people usually take pictures because they want to treasure the moment forever. These could range from pictures on a Christmas card to send to your relatives, pictures for the album, or others. However, while some pictures make nice keepsakes as well as great mementos you’d want to treasure forever, others make you want to scratch your head and ask, “What the hell were they thinking?” And while some tend to do pictures in the traditional style, others may opt for costume. Here are some photos from families who willing post these moments of Christmas awkwardness I found at a website called Awkward Family Photos. So without further adieu, I give you a treasury of family photographs that might depict moments more embarrassing than the ones your family has.

1. Nothing says Christmas than embarrassing your child in utero dressed up as a pregnant yuletide stripper.

I'm sure whenever this woman's child sees this picture, he or she's going blush in deep embarrassment and wonder what the hell she was thinking. Still, I don't think these kinds of photos are a great idea. An expectant mother has a whole life ahead of her to embarrass her child.

I’m sure whenever this woman’s child sees this picture, he or she’s going blush in deep embarrassment and wonder what the hell she was thinking. Still, I don’t think these kinds of photos are a great idea. An expectant mother has a whole life ahead of her to embarrass her child.

2. Looks like Dad has had a little accident while putting up the lights.

Okay, now I understand why my dad doesn't put up Christmas lights. Also, kids, can't you just help your daddy and hold up the ladder? I'm sure he'll appreciate it.

Okay, now I understand why my dad doesn’t put up Christmas lights. Also, kids, can’t you just help your daddy and hold up the ladder? I’m sure he’ll appreciate it.

3. “….a fairy princess Barbie, an Easy Bake Oven, a My Little Pony Stable set, and let’s see….”

Looks like Santa Claus has stopped listening to that girl a long time ago. I mean he's basically dreaming of a white Christmas at this point.

Looks like Santa Claus has stopped listening to that girl a long time ago. I mean he’s basically dreaming of a white Christmas at this point.

4. Seems like Dad forgot to put on his pajamas for the Christmas morning photo.

"I didn't wear the pajamas because I don't sleep in pajamas. I sleep in my underwear like this." Of course, who'd want to send this picture in a Christmas card? Seriously, I'm sure nobody wants to see the dad's man boobs here.

“I didn’t wear the pajamas because I don’t sleep in pajamas. I sleep in my underwear like this.” Of course, who’d want to send this picture in a Christmas card? Seriously, I’m sure nobody wants to see the dad’s man boobs here.

5. I’m dreaming of a goth punk Christmas.

Santa Claus: "Great, now I have to pose in this photo with these metal fan kids and their kids. I need a vacation." Love Santa's expression in this.

Santa Claus: “Great, now I have to pose in this photo with these metal fan kids and their kids. I need a vacation.” Love Santa’s expression in this.

6. Looks like somebody doesn’t want to smile for the camera.

Rebellious children, sometimes hating your parents gets started when they're young. Of course, I'm surprised it isn't the daughter in the kimono like dress that seems to be made from a shower curtain.

Rebellious children, sometimes hating your parents gets started when they’re young. Of course, I’m surprised it isn’t the daughter in the kimono like dress that seems to be made from a shower curtain.

7. Hello, kiddies, and welcome to Santa Claus’ house of horrors.

Never has going to Santa land seem oh, so horrifying, but I'm sure the kid's not scared. Still, what the hell is the Easter Bunny doing here? Also, what's with the clown?

Never has going to Santa land seem oh, so horrifying, but I’m sure the kid’s not scared. Still, what the hell is the Easter Bunny doing here? Also, what’s with the clown?

8. Greetings, and happy holidays from the future.

So I guess this is what the crew members from the Enterprise receive from their relatives around the Christmas season. I would think this one came from LaForge's family but he's black and probably not married.

So I guess this is what the crew members from the Enterprise receive from their relatives around the Christmas season. I would think this one came from LaForge’s family but he’s black and probably not married. Then again, maybe he was adopted.

9. Smile for the camera, boys, I’m sure your friends won’t laugh at you being in Christmas themed garbage bags.

Now while Jake is certainly reveling in the Christmas spirit with a bow on his head, I'm sure Tony is trying to disguise his embarrassment and hope nobody at school finds out.

Now while Jake is certainly reveling in the Christmas spirit with a bow on his head, I’m sure Tony is trying to disguise his embarrassment and hope nobody at school finds out.

10. Merry Christmas from the pajama brigade.

Now I wonder who's idea it was for everyone to be photographed wearing the same set of ugly pajamas. Not to mention, what the hell is the Timberland boots doing here?

Now I wonder who’s idea it was for everyone to be photographed wearing the same set of ugly pajamas. Not to mention, what the hell is the Timberland boots doing here?

11. Merry Christmas, from the Village of the Damned.

I'm sure the younger one is less than a year old but she seems to have murder on the mind. I'm not sure about the older boy though.

I’m sure the younger one is less than a year old but she seems to have murder on the mind. I’m not sure about the older boy though.

12. Merry Christmas from outer space.

This would be the perfect way to embarrass a NASA astronaut during the Christmas season. Also, what the hell do astronauts have to do with Christmas anyway?

This would be the perfect way to embarrass a NASA astronaut during the Christmas season. Also, what the hell do astronauts have to do with Christmas anyway? Then again, they probably thought it would be awesome but didn’t think it through.

13. Since they knew it was going to be Doris’ last Christmas, they decided to do the Last Supper.

Wait a minute, doesn't the Last Supper pertain to the moment of Jesus celebrating Passover right before he's about to be crucified? Seems more appropriate for Easter than Christmas.

Wait a minute, doesn’t the Last Supper pertain to the moment of Jesus celebrating Passover right before he’s about to be crucified? Seems more appropriate for Easter than Christmas.

14. This Christmas, we’ll do a live nativity scene.

Well, maybe not quite a family nativity scene but I'm sure they didn't have safari hats or bright blue robes in Palestine during the Roman Empire.

Well, maybe not quite a family nativity scene but I’m sure they didn’t have safari hats or bright blue robes in Palestine during the Roman Empire.

15. Merry Christmas, from your nightmares.

I'm sure the dripping paint from "Merry Christmas" doesn't seem to bring in the holiday cheer. Also, the mom seems to resemble Tim Curry's character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I’m sure the dripping paint from “Merry Christmas” doesn’t seem to bring in the holiday cheer. Also, the mom seems to resemble Tim Curry’s character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

16. Don’t have antlers? I’m sure bunny ears will do just fine.

Actually, maybe this family should've stuck with reindeer antlers. Bunny ears either reminds me too much of Easter or Playboy.

Actually, maybe this family should’ve stuck with reindeer antlers. Bunny ears either reminds me too much of Easter or Playboy.

17. Dad was always known to give every one of us a lift.

Yet, I sure hope the "lift" part was in the figurative sense. Still, how did this guy ever get a hold of such machinery?

Yet, I sure hope the “lift” part was in the figurative sense. Still, how did this guy ever get a hold of such machinery?

18. Now this photo is so adorable.

Soon little Nellie will have her revenge once the adults leave the premises. Julie will pay for what she did to Nellie's poor baby doll. Oh, yes, she will.

Soon little Nellie will have her revenge once the adults leave the premises. Julie will pay for what she did to Nellie’s poor baby doll. Oh, yes, she will.

19. “Sorry, Kitty, but these are my Christmas presents, not yours.”

Man, some kids just don't know how to share the spotlight. Then again, other kids must not care as much. Still, sibling rivalries do start out young, do they?

Man, some kids just don’t know how to share the spotlight. Then again, other kids must not care as much. Still, sibling rivalries do start out young, do they?

20. Merry Christmas from the Philip Morrises.

Now I'm sure this family isn't setting a great example. Of course, those kids will soon die young in the hospital with their lungs all full of tar.

Now I’m sure this family isn’t setting a great example. Of course, those kids will soon die young in the hospital with their lungs all full of tar.

21. Nothing says Christmas like a swimsuit portrait.

I especially feel bad for the boy who seems to have to wear a speedo. Man, I don’t know about you but swimsuits don’t seem to have anything to do with Christmas for me.

22. “A toilet seat, oh, you shouldn’t have.”

Nothing makes a grandfather feel old than getting a new toilet seat for Christmas. Still, pretty funny though.

Nothing makes a grandfather feel old than getting a new toilet seat for Christmas. Still, pretty funny though.

23. “For this Festivus night, I challenge Carly for the Feats of Strength”

Boy, Carly is going to have a very hard time pinning her dad for this year's Festivus. Also, I'm sure this picture was taken way before 1997.

Boy, Carly is going to have a very hard time pinning her dad for this year’s Festivus. Also, I’m sure this picture was taken way before 1997.

24. “Well, I thought the photo was a good idea at the time.”

Looks like somebody really doesn't want to get her picture taken. "Look away from the light, I tell you. Look away from the light." Still, family doesn't seem like an enthusiastic bunch.

Looks like somebody really doesn’t want to get her picture taken. “Look away from the light, I tell you. Look away from the light.” Still, family doesn’t seem like an enthusiastic bunch.

25. You know you’re a redneck if you use a photo like this on your Christmas card.

Then again, I think many rednecks might find it very offensive if you really think about it. Still, you have to admire how this couple recycles beer packaging and cigarette cartons. Also, pregnancy is a great time to quit smoking, seriously.

Then again, I think many rednecks might find it very offensive if you really think about it. Still, you have to admire how this couple recycles beer packaging and cigarette cartons. Also, pregnancy is a great time to quit smoking, seriously.

26. For this years Christmas card photo, let’s dress up like a Christmas tree.

Seems like everyone here's in the Christmas spirit save Leslie in the lower left corner who thought this photo op was a stupid idea from the get go.

Seems like everyone here’s in the Christmas spirit save Leslie in the lower left corner who thought this photo op was a stupid idea from the get go.

27. Seems like Susie couldn’t hold her excitement or her bladder.

Maybe she shouldn't have drank all that juice this morning. Now she has to change her blue jeans. Still, I wonder if anyone noticed.

Maybe she shouldn’t have drank all that juice this morning. Now she has to change her blue jeans. Still, I wonder if anyone noticed the little accident.

28. Seems like Santa has taken Bobby hostage and tied him up with Christmas lights.

I don't know why anyone would want to tie their kid up in Christmas lights for a photo. That's really messed up.

I don’t know why anyone would want to tie their kid up in Christmas lights for a photo. That’s really messed up.

29. For the hairy, porn stached man on your list, I’m sure very short swimming trunks will do nicely.

Now I'm very sure that's from the 1970s because I think the chances of a man standing with pride in his short shorts nowadays would seem very unlikely today.

Now I’m very sure that’s from the 1970s because I think the chances of a man standing with pride in his short shorts nowadays would seem very unlikely today.

30. Little Sandy has her present while her daddy has lots of money.

In all fairness, this seems to be the kind of Christmas card you'd see from The Wire. Seriously, the man with the money seems to reflect a lot of negative African American stereotypes if you know what I mean.

In all fairness, this seems to be the kind of Christmas card you’d see from The Wire. Seriously, the man with the money seems to reflect a lot of negative African American stereotypes if you know what I mean.

31. Merry Christmas from the Old Navy family and buy these white shirts and jeans. They make great gifts.

For some reason, I can't help but wonder whether this family picture is from a commercial. Yet, they do seem like they could all be related.

For some reason, I can’t help but wonder whether this family picture is from a commercial. Yet, they do seem like they could all be related.

32. If Adam and Eve had a Christmas card, then it would probably look like this. However, to be fair, they didn’t celebrate the holiday.

Now this is one of those Christmas photos that makes me scratch my head and wonder, "What the hell were these parents on to think that this was a good idea?" Also, the parents look as if they've just stepped out from a tanning salon.

Now this is one of those Christmas photos that makes me scratch my head and wonder, “What the hell were these parents on to think that this was a good idea?” Also, the parents look as if they’ve just stepped out from a tanning salon.

33. Always try to make your family’s first Christmas photo a memorable one.

However, it seems like the photographer's focus in this picture isn't so much the baby as it pertains to Mommy's huge lactating milk sacks. Seriously, you have no idea that this is a family portrait until you see the baby's face being obscured in the parents' arms.

However, it seems like the photographer’s focus in this picture isn’t so much the baby as it pertains to Mommy’s huge lactating milk sacks. Seriously, you have no idea that this is a family portrait until you see the baby’s face being obscured in the parents’ arms.

34. Merry Christmas from all of us.

I don't know about you but if I saw people popping out of my presents, I'd freak out. I'm sure they either used photoshop or a very big box.

I don’t know about you but if I saw people popping out of my presents, I’d freak out. I’m sure they either used photoshop or a very big box.

35. “C’mon, Scotty, tell Santa what you want for Christmas.”

I'm sure little Scotty is afraid of Santa Claus and his older brother Billy is reveling in it as we speak.

I’m sure little Scotty is afraid of Santa Claus and his older brother Billy is reveling in it as we speak.

36. When taking a picture of kids wearing “Ho!, Ho!, Ho!” shirts, make sure they stand close together.

I'm sure these parents weren't familiar with rap music to notice that the word, "ho" has another meaning. Still, seems that the youngest had other ideas.

I’m sure these parents weren’t familiar with rap music to notice that the word, “ho” has another meaning. Still, seems that the youngest had other ideas.

37. Look, kids, seems like Santa crashed in at the Ferguson house for Christmas.

Okay, I think it's really just a homeless guy in a fur coat carrying a sack, not Santa. I mean Santa wears a read suit. Then again, the beard is pretty clean.

Okay, I think it’s really just a homeless guy in a fur coat carrying a sack, not Santa. I mean Santa wears a read suit. Then again, the beard is pretty clean.

38. For the Christmas portrait, seems like Mom decided to wear her old outfit during her work as a dancer from the Kit Kat Club.

Well, Mommy had to pay through college somehow back in the day. Amazing her outfit still fits all these years. Nevertheless, not something you'd wear for a family Christmas picture.

Well, Mommy had to pay through college somehow back in the day. Amazing her outfit still fits all these years. Nevertheless, not something you’d wear for a family Christmas picture.

39. Looks like this family is about to get themselves a Christmas tree.

Then again, from how that girl looks in the picture she could be either getting ready to cut down a Christmas tree or kill her family. I mean she seems a bit eerily terrifying in this.

Then again, from how that girl looks in the picture she could be either getting ready to cut down a Christmas tree or kill her family. I mean she seems a bit eerily terrifying in this.

40. Merry Christmas, from the Blanchards of Cirque du Soleil.

Because what other family would you expect to stack up their kids to pose as a Christmas tree? Yet, they seem to be very happy about it though.

Because what other family would you expect to stack up their kids to pose as a Christmas tree? Yet, they seem to be very happy about it though.

41. “No, sir, I haven’t seen Travis anywhere. Honest to God, I didn’t.”

Don't look, now but I think something very bad went down in this room. Not to mention, there's an arm coming out from the box.

Don’t look, now but I think something very bad went down in this room. Not to mention, there’s an arm coming out from the box.

42. “C’mon, kids, grandma and grandpa’s here.”

Seems like the Dos Equis guy is traveling the world so much that he doesn't get to see his grandchildren very often. Also, I didn't know he had a wife. Hope she puts up with his peccadilloes since he's the Most Interesting Man in the World.

Seems like the Dos Equis guy is traveling the world so much that he doesn’t get to see his grandchildren very often. Also, I didn’t know he had a wife. Hope she puts up with his peccadilloes since he’s the Most Interesting Man in the World.

43. Merry Christmas from the jacuzzi.

Okay, so they may be on a Hawaiian vacation but still. I'm not sure if I think taking a Christmas card picture in a hot tub is a good idea.

Okay, so they may be on a Hawaiian vacation but still. I’m not sure if I think taking a Christmas card picture in a hot tub is a good idea.

44. “He’s a maniac, maniac, on the floor. And he’s dancing like he’s never dance before.”

Before Quentin Tarantino started directing very violent movies, he had wanted to become a dancer but his parents wouldn't allow it.

Before Quentin Tarantino started directing very violent movies, he had wanted to become a dancer but his parents wouldn’t allow it.

45. Nothing says Christmas than wearing a shirt depicting Santa’s facial hair.

I wonder who thought having shirts like that was a testament to fashion sense. Probably someone on drugs at the time.

I wonder who thought having shirts like that was a testament to fashion sense. Probably someone on drugs at the time.

46. Nothing gets in the Christmas spirit than a Christmas tree decked with disembodied doll heads.

Of course, this tree was decorated in that if Tanya did anything naughty, the doll heads would haunt her in her dreams. Really creepy stuff.

Of course, this tree was decorated in that if Tanya did anything naughty, the doll heads would haunt her in her dreams. Really creepy stuff.

47. Like they say, the family that goes together, stays together.

Of course, there are some things families shouldn't do together like going to an outhouse. Still, pretty hysterical.

Of course, there are some things families shouldn’t do together like going to an outhouse. Still, pretty hysterical.

48. Sorry, kids, but looks like Santa’s been in a fight with his bookie.

I wonder if this mall ever does a background check on any prospective Santas. I'm not sure if this one belongs on the "Nice" list if you know what I mean.

I wonder if this mall ever does a background check on any prospective Santas. I’m not sure if this one belongs on the “Nice” list if you know what I mean.

49. “Mom, Dad, please no twerking in the photo! You’re embarrassing us!”

Now telling your kids not to twerk is one thing. Telling your parents not to twerk, well, there's no way they'll listen to you.

Now telling your kids not to twerk is one thing. Telling your parents not to twerk, well, there’s no way they’ll listen to you.

50. When it comes to taking pictures, placement is everything.

Now perhaps putting Dad near the gun display wasn't a good idea. Seriously, seems like some invisible person is about to shoot him in the head.

Now perhaps putting Dad near the gun display wasn’t a good idea. Seriously, seems like some invisible person is about to shoot him in the head.

51. Nothing says Christmas like dressing up as Christmas presents for the card.

Now I'm sure wearing those gift boxes can't be comfortable. Also make them look pretty idiotic if you really think about it. Also, what's with the Mickey Mouse Santa hats?

Now I’m sure wearing those gift boxes can’t be comfortable. Also make them look pretty idiotic if you really think about it. Also, what’s with the Mickey Mouse Santa hats?

52. Happy Holidays from the cool people in the neighborhood.

Or from the family who thinks they're too cool for the rest of the neighborhood with their fashion sense still stuck in the 1980s. I mean one of the boys in the back has a mullet.

Or from the family who thinks they’re too cool for the rest of the neighborhood with their fashion sense still stuck in the 1980s. I mean one of the boys in the back has a mullet.

53. Happy Holidays from the family with the world’s most embarrassing dad.

I bet that baby's thinking, "Jesus Christ, Dad, why the hell did you have to dress up as the New Year's baby? What are the kids in daycare going to think about this when they see this picture? I don't want to dwell on it."

I bet that baby’s thinking, “Jesus Christ, Dad, why the hell did you have to dress up as the New Year’s baby? What are the kids in daycare going to think about this when they see this picture? I don’t want to dwell on it.”

54. “All right, light em’ up.”

Can anyone please explain to me how they thought dressing up as Christmas light bulbs was a good idea? Because they seem to be some kind of rendition of Fruit of the Loom characters.

Can anyone please explain to me how they thought dressing up as Christmas light bulbs was a good idea? Because they seem to be some kind of rendition of Fruit of the Loom characters.

55. Nothing says Christmas than a family photo in leopard print pajamas.

Now I'm sure the leopard print doesn't come from real fur. But still, such a family photo op is bound to make PETA furious.

Now I’m sure the leopard print doesn’t come from real fur. But still, such a family photo op is bound to make PETA furious.

56. Merry Christmas from both of us.

Also, I'm sure those two aren't wearing anything under the towel and that they'll make love under it after the photo shoot is over.

Also, I’m sure those two aren’t wearing anything under the towel and that they’ll make love under it after the photo shoot is over.

57. It was only a matter of time before Fran could tell the kids she once worked at Willy Wonka’s factory.

Then again, a more plausible explanation for her orangeness probably has to do with being John Boehner's sister. Yeah, that orange tan runs in the family. Must be a genetic disorder of some sort.

Then again, a more plausible explanation for her orangeness probably has to do with being John Boehner’s sister. Yeah, that orange tan runs in the family. Must be a genetic disorder of some sort.

58. Nothing makes a great Christmas gift for your kids than an assault rifle.

Actually for the love of God, don't ever give your children guns for Christmas, let alone assault rifles. Still, these children seem like they're out to cause a neighborhood shooting spree.

Actually for the love of God, don’t ever give your children guns for Christmas, let alone assault rifles. Still, these children seem like they’re out to cause a neighborhood shooting spree.

59. This will be our first Christmas since Jimmy’s been released from the state penitentiary.

Now I'm sure he may be drug free now but boy do those tattoos tell you that he's done the time. Nevertheless, I think concealer would be a great Christmas present for him.

Now I’m sure he may be drug free now but boy do those tattoos tell you that he’s done the time. Nevertheless, I think concealer would be a great Christmas present for him.

60. Tommy got a scooter while Jenny got a stuffed alligator in a stroller.

What Jenny really wanted was an alligator purse, not an actual gator in the stroller. You can see why she's very upset right now. Then again, the stuffed alligator might've been for one of the parents but it got mixed up.

What Jenny really wanted was an alligator purse, not an actual gator in the stroller. You can see why she’s very upset right now. Then again, the stuffed alligator might’ve been for one of the parents but it got mixed up.

61. Some people really don’t like to pose for Christmas cards.

I'm sure I sometimes feel that way, too when I have to stand for pictures, especially if they have to do another take.

I’m sure I sometimes feel that way, too when I have to stand for pictures, especially if they have to do another take.

62. I’m sure these old green table cloths would make great Christmas tree costumes.

I don't know about you but they could also seem like they're members of a cult in these outfits. Still, doesn't seem very flattering.

I don’t know about you but they could also seem like they’re members of a cult in these outfits. Still, doesn’t seem very flattering.

63. Merry Christmas from the toy soldier family.

Face it, folks, it was either this or the sugar plum fairies. And dad really didn't want to dress as a sugar plum fairy.

Face it, folks, it was either this or the sugar plum fairies. And Dad really didn’t want to dress as a sugar plum fairy.

64. Rudolph rejoiced when he finally got the corndog plant he’d been begging Santa for.

Now the Christmas lights expectant mother was one thing but this? How in the hell did anyone think it was a good idea? Hope that baby never sees this picture.

Now the Christmas lights expectant mother was one thing but this? How in the hell did anyone think it was a good idea? Hope that baby never sees this picture.

65. Let’s see, Dad has the pipe and hat, Mom’s got the coat, Ginny has her dolly, while Randy has a canteen and a snow brush.

Holy shit, that's Stephen King with his family. Certainly explains a lot there. Nevertheless, hope he's not writing The Shining at this point.

Holy shit, that’s Stephen King with his family. Certainly explains a lot there. Nevertheless, hope he’s not writing The Shining at this point.

66. Oh, sure, that’s exactly what Grandma wanted.

I'm not sure if Grandma knows what Taebo is or if anyone at the high rise does either. Still, she probably never took it out of the packaging.

I’m not sure if Grandma knows what Taebo is or if anyone at the high rise does either. Still, she probably never took it out of the packaging.

67. Looks like somebody didn’t get what she asked for this year.

Some girls just want to rub it in on Santa. Man, this girl must not like the new cleaning trolley Santa sent her this year. Then again, would anyone?

Some girls just want to rub it in on Santa. Man, this girl must not like the new cleaning trolley Santa sent her this year. Then again, would anyone?

68. Sure Baby Bella’s about to celebrate her first Christmas, but she’s already sick with sitting for pictures already.

"Okay, so after you're done taking pictures of me on the rocking horse, can we be done here? Also, I just pooped in my diaper."

“Okay, so after you’re done taking pictures of me on the rocking horse, can we be done here? Also, I just pooped in my diaper.”

69. Merry Christmas to all from the Bob Evans family.

Sure their clothes may seem like they're made from the table cloths you'd find at Bob Evans. Yet, they really don't seem to be down on the farm so to speak.

Sure their clothes may seem like they’re made from the table cloths you’d find at Bob Evans. Yet, they really don’t seem to be down on the farm so to speak.

70. “Hey, kids, can you leave for a second, cause Daddy needs a smoke.”

Let' hope he doesn't burn down the tree like Uncle Lewis did in Christmas Vacation, which led to that iconic squirrel scene.

Let’ hope he doesn’t burn down the tree like Uncle Lewis did in Christmas Vacation, which led to that iconic squirrel scene.

Strange Christmas Traditions from Around the World

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While Thanksgiving in November is basically a national holiday in the United States, you can’t say the same about Christmas, which is celebrated around the world either as a religious holiday or otherwise. Now no two countries celebrate Christmas the same way which may be due seasonal patterns, old traditions, and other factors. In fact, while there are plenty of places that do celebrate Christmas some don’t at all. Yet, as for those that do, many may have certain holiday customs that may seem strange to American eyes or those in Europe. And there are even some mainstream Christmas traditions that were strictly national customs until quite recently. For instance, Christmas didn’t really become the mainstream secular holiday we celebrate now until the Victorian Era. And before Queen Victoria and Prince Albert got hitched, the notion of the Christmas tree was most strictly a German tradition. Not to mention, in early America, while you’d find people such as the Catholics, Episcopalians, and Lutherans celebrating Christmas, you’d be pressed to see any house in Puritan Boston with Christmas decorations because for a time it was banned. Nevertheless, here is a list of some of the strange Christmas customs you’d see from around the world during the season.

1. The Netherlands (and to a lesser extent, Belgium)

And you thought the United States has problems with race relations? Still, I'm sure a Barack Obama visit in the Low Countries during the Saint Nicholas season wouldn't go very well at all.

And you thought the United States has problems with race relations. Still, I’m sure a Barack Obama visit in the Low Countries during the Saint Nicholas season wouldn’t go very well at all.

I’ll start the Dutch here. Now we all know that the Netherlands is one of the most tolerant countries on Earth as well as has legalized pot and prostitution. However, during the Christmas season, people in this country (and Belgium) open their gifts in early December for Saint Nicholas Day, where children leave their shoes out for St. Nick to deliver presents for every child. In the days leading up to December 5th, St. Nick arrives through ship in on Dutch shores in mid-November and goes to each kid’s house on a white horse. However, now while having Saint Nick dress up in a bishop’s robes isn’t unusual (though it’s a carry-over from his previous job as Bishop of Turkey) but what’s strange is that he has helpers ranging from 6 to 8 black men (including a guy named, Zhwart Piet or “Black Peter”). Anyone familiar with world history can easily figure out what these guys started out as in this tradition but they’re known now as St. Nicholas’s “friends” (even if we don’t know how many of them are). Oh, and there’s another folk tradition about St. Nicholas Day regarding bad children such as kicking and beating them with switches (or pretending to) or kidnapping and sending them back to Spain in a sack (his home). Also, when you see Saint Nicholas appears on the street, you’ll see his helpers in blackface and in a fashion that many African Americans would view as virulently racist.

This tradition was made famous by David Sedaris’ commentary on the subject in his essay called, “6 to 8 Black Men.”

https://thejesuitpost.org/2013/12/worth-listening-david-sedariss-six-to-eight-black-men/

2. India

Now I don't think I'm used to this. Also looks pretty freaky.

Now I don’t think I’m used to this. Also looks pretty freaky.

While India only has 2.3% of a Christian population, you need to consider that this consists of 25 million people here, which is more than some countries’ entire populations. While many Christian Indians celebrate Christmas with gift-giving and possibly midnight Mass like much of the Western world, yet they don’t have the fir or pine trees that more temperate areas in Europe and North America have. So these Christian Indians have to improvise with decorating banana and mango trees instead and sometimes they even use the leaves from those trees to decorate their houses.

3. Czech Republic and Slovakia

In these two countries, people who are still single but don’t want to remain so tend to stand with their backs toward the door and throw a shoe over their shoulders. Those about to get married soon will have their shoe toes pointing to the door. However, there’s no clue as to how long you’d meet the person of your dreams though.

Another marriage superstition in the Czech Republic in which woman place a cherry tree twig under water. If it blooms, it means she’ll marry next year.

In Slovakia, there’s also a curious tradition in which the family patriarch fills his spoon with loksa (a type of pudding), and flings it to the ceiling. The more he can get to stick up there, the better his harvest will be next year.

4. Japan

Yes, Japanese people spend Christmas at KFC that they need to make reservations well in advance. However, I'm sure that Kentucky Fried Chicken Christmas tradition can't be good for the arteries.

Yes, Japanese people spend Christmas at KFC that they need to make reservations well in advance. However, I’m sure that Kentucky Fried Chicken Christmas tradition can’t be good for the arteries.

Japan has a few Christmas traditions that you’d find are strange. And while only a few are practicing Christians, it’s a very popular secular holiday (and sometimes celebrated more like a wintertime Valentine’s Day). The first relates to a marketing campaign from more than 40 years ago that pertains to Japanese families eating KFC for Christmas dinner. This consist of KFC selling over 240,000 barrels of chicken which is 5 to 10 time its monthly sales. However, it’s unclear on how many years it takes off the lives of your average Japanese citizen as well as how much KFC for Christmas will increase their chances for cardiovascular disease, but I bet either is entirely possible.

Another Japanese tradition is the notion of Christmas cake which is a sponge cake that contains whipped cream, chocolate, and strawberries. These are ordered months in advance and are eaten on Christmas Eve. Any cake not sold after the 25th is unwanted. For the same reason, this is partly to explain why Japanese women over 25 were referred to as “Christmas Cake” if they weren’t married by their 26th birthday (this, until relatively recent times).

Still, if you want to send a Christmas card in Japan, avoid sending any one with red unless they are bereaved. Any Christmas cards with red colors should be avoided but good luck finding a redless Christmas card at your local Hallmark store. Also, their Santa Claus or “Santa Kurohsu”, has eyes in the back of his head to keep an eye on naughty children.

5. New Zealand

Rather than using the traditional conifer, New Zealanders decorate Pohutukawa trees for Christmas.

6. Cuba

Every December, the city of Remedios hosts the Parrandas festival in which the city divides in two halves with each building a themed sculpture from light bulbs, in preparation for Christmas Eve.

7. Finland

Of course, I'm not sure if going to a cemetery to light candles for dead relatives is my idea for a great Christmas Eve. But, hey, that's what the Finns do.

Of course, I’m not sure if going to a cemetery to light candles for dead relatives is my idea for a great Christmas Eve. But, hey, that’s what the Finns do.

Now while you think the Japanese tradition of eating sponge cakes and KFC is kind of weird, you should check out on what the Finns do on Christmas Eve. Now Christmas Eve is the time of year when Finnish families head to their home saunas since it’s believed that a sauna “elf” lives there to protect it and make sure people behave themselves. Thus, families would head to their sauna, strip to their toes, and enjoy a nice good naked soak, before visiting the graves of their dead relatives and lighting candles in their memory on the sites after sunset. And if they can’t, they go to a nearby cemetery instead as well as placed candles for those relatives buried elsewhere.

Oh, and it’s said that kids in Finland sleep on the floor on Christmas Eve so the dead can use their beds.

8. Venezuela

In Caracas, it’s customary for young children to go to bed with one end of a string tied to their big toe and leaving the other end outside their bedroom window. This is because before 8 a. m., the streets are closed to cars on Christmas so people had to get up nice and early to roller skate to “Early Morning Mass” as well as proceed to tug the strings that are still hanging to wake up the kids. Still, bet roller skating to Mass wouldn’t go well in my neck of the woods though (too many hills).

9. Sweden

While the Christmas goat is a Christianized Christmas tradition taken from the Norse, the Galve Goat has been a prime target for vandalism and arson since it first burned down around midnight on Christmas Day in 1966.

While the Christmas goat is a Christianized Christmas tradition taken from the Norse, the Galve Goat has been a prime target for vandalism and arson since it first burned down around midnight on Christmas Day in 1966.

From its first erection and 1966 Christmas Eve burning, the people of Galve build this 13 meter tall straw goat as vandals keep trying to burn it down. As of 2011, it’s been burned 25 times and by 1988 burning the goat happened so often that people began taking bets for its survival ever since. However, just so you know the people of Galve don’t want their goat burned down since an American tourist served time in jail for successfully doing so in 2011.

Another tradition in Sweden is families gathering around the TV at 3 PM on Christmas Eve to watch Donald Duck cartoons from a 1958 Disney program From All of Us to You (or as it’s called there “Donald Duck and his friends wish you a Merry Christmas.”). None of these cartoons have anything to do with Christmas, yet many Swedes could recite the dubbed lines by heart. And it basically started in 1959 when there were just enough TVs in Sweden’s population but only a couple of channels to watch from.

There’s also a Swedish Christmas tradition in which pertains to the serving of rice pudding around Smorgasbord in which one peeled almond is hidden in it. The person who gets the almond is said to be married within a year.

10. Ukraine

No, this isn't Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas tree. Ukranians actually decorate their Christmas tree with spiders since they think it would bring them luck.

No, this isn’t Tim Burton’s Nightmare Before Christmas tree. Ukranians actually decorate their Christmas tree with spiders since they think it would bring them luck.

You may think that the notion of decorating a Christmas tree with spider webs seems to be straight from The Nightmare Before Christmas, but in Ukraine it’s a tradition based on local folklore. The tradition starts from a story of a poor woman who couldn’t afford to decorate her Christmas tree for her kids. So some friendly spiders decided to spin webs on the tree instead. When the kids woke up the next morning, they saw the first light turn this cobweb laden tree into silver and gold. Thus, not only the children had a great Christmas, but the family was never left poor again. So, in Ukraine to decorate your tree with spider webs will ensure you good luck and fortune in the coming year. And you thought that was something you’d see Jack Skellington do.

11. Philippines

The Philippines consists of 80% Christians in its huge country with Catholicism as the most prominent denomination. In this country, Christmas celebrations last all the way into January. However, unlike a lot of countries, children leave their polished shoes out for the The Three Kings when they pass through the houses that night for the Feast of the Epiphany, marking the end of the Christmas season.

12. Great Britain

Now this is what the Brits call Christmas pudding. I know it doesn't look like something you'd get from your pudding mix back in the States.

Now this is what the Brits call Christmas pudding. I know it doesn’t look like something you’d get from your pudding mix back in the States. Looks more like cake.

Now a lot of Christmas traditions come from the Brits, yet there are few that don’t. For one, they don’t have Santa Claus but Father Christmas that now looks like Santa but in previous years was the Ghost of Christmas Present. One of them has to do with the notion of Christmas Pudding served on Christmas Day. Of course, as the pudding is stirred clockwise, every member of the family makes a wish. Sometimes it’s said that people put coins, rings, and thimbles to the mix which can symbolize wealth, marriage, and good luck for life. Still, for Americans unfamiliar with the notion of pudding in the British world of cuisine, understand that British pudding looks nothing like the creamy stuff you’d find in cups at the grocery store.

Another tradition in Great Britain has to do with children writing their Christmas wish list burning them in the back of the fireplace, hoping that the draft would carry them to the North Pole. Too bad that they haven’t heard of actually mailing them. Yet, if the letter catches fire before being sent up the chimney, the kiddie must write a new one.

Oh, and in London, it’s said that a group of competitors gather on the shore of Serpentine Lake to take part in a 100 yard race through the freezing water.

13. Canada

Yes, you can really write to Santa at H0H 0H0 and the Canada Post will assist him. Yes, I mean Canada.

Yes, you can really write to Santa at H0H 0H0 and the Canada Post will assist him. Yes, I mean Canada.

Want to send that letter to Santa but don’t know how to get it to the North Pole. Well, you’re in luck since Santa has his own postal code that consists of H0H 0H0 where it will be sent to Canada. So while Santa’s elves help with making those Christmas toys, for the past 30 years, it’s been the Canada Post volunteers who have helped Santa reply to millions of letters each year from children around the world in different languages, including Braille.

14. Spain

Now Spain is home to a lot of weird Christmas traditions but none is crazier than Catalonia's Caga Tio, which is a magic Yule log that grows and shits presents. Believe me, I'm not making this up.

Now Spain is home to a lot of weird Christmas traditions but none is crazier than Catalonia’s Caga Tio, which is a magic Yule log that grows and shits presents. Believe me, I’m not making this up.

With the exception of the peeing on the snow sweaters and the pooping reindeer, the thought of holiday fun and bodily functions usually don’t go together. However, the sole exception to this is in Catalonia, Spain, home to the extremely odd Caga Tio, which translates to “pooping log.” And no, he’s not a character from South Park. He’s a hollowed out, smiley-faced piece of wood bringing laughter and joy to Catalonian children in a long established cherished tradition of him pooping out presents. Honest to God, I’m not making this up.

Beginning on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception (December 8), Caga Tio is placed on the fireplace, covered in a blanket, and treated as a pet. Each evening, the kiddies feed the log fruits, nuts, and chocolate in hopes that it’ll grow bigger. Meanwhile, the parents secretly swap out the log with a progressively bigger one until, it’s magically full grown by Christmas (again, I’m not making this up).

On Christmas Day, the family gathers around Caga Tio and sing songs to urge it to release its loot, which translate as, “Poop log, poop candy! If you don’t poop well, I’ll hit you with a stick. Poop log!” The brats then proceed to beat the log with sticks in order to force it to defecate traditional Christmas presents like Turon nougat candy, small toys, and coins. Now that’s the craziest shit I’ve ever heard so far.

Catalonia is also known for a certain defecating figurine known as a

Catalonia is also known for a certain defecating figurine known as a “El Caganer” or “The Shitter,” which is put in the back of a nativity scene. And as you can tell, there are many types you can choose from.

Catalonia also has another Christmas tradition relating to defecation in the form of a Caganer which sits in the back of every traditional Catalan nativity scene (for at least 2 centuries). It’s a figurine of a man with his trousers down pooping, which represents fertility and good fortune. Recently, businesses have many figurines that resemble celebrities. Still, while putting a Caganer in a nativity scene is perfectly acceptable in Catalonia, it would probably be seen as something deeply sacrilegious to so in a manger scene in Kentucky. It’s also a tradition in the rest of Spain, France, Portugal, and Italy.

After Christmas, Spain has a holiday known as the Day of Innocents on December 28, which is it’s April Fool’s Day with the pranks and a day in which kids go from door to door asking for sweets, similar to Halloween, though they tend to make noise as well.Of course, this is a day to commemorate the lives of those young children slaughtered by King Herod. In Valencia, this day is celebrated with people throwing flour at each other.

Oh, and on New Year’s Eve, it’s customary for Spanish to wear red underwear and there’s even a race of people wearing only that in La Font Figuera. People of all ages participate in it.

15. Ethiopia

In Ethiopia, it's said that the shepherds were playing ganna when they heard about Jesus's birth. Of course, despite Christmas being about

In Ethiopia, it’s said that the shepherds were playing ganna when they heard about Jesus’s birth. Of course, despite Christmas being about “Peace on Earth and Good Will to Men,” this sport is anything but peaceful.

Ethiopians celebrate Christmas by playing a game called ganna on Christmas Eve. This stems from the tradition of shepherds playing it when they first heard of the birth of Jesus. However, this ball and stick game is anything but peaceful. The balls are made from olive wood or leather which can easily injure a player. And because there’s no rules on the field sizes, the goals are sometimes so far apart that neither team scores by nightfall on Christmas Eve.

16. Germany

How would you like to hear that every year on Christmas? Apparently, Christmas isn't much a

How would you like to hear that every year on Christmas? Apparently, Christmas isn’t much a “Silent Night,” in Bavaria.

While the glass pickle tradition in which a child who finds it gets an extra present may be mere rumor (it’s actually American), the tradition of the Bavarian Highlanders firing handheld mortars into air every year in traditional dress isn’t.

Yes, these are straw devils from Bavaria. And yes, they look pretty creepy.

Yes, these are straw devils from Bavaria. And yes, they look pretty creepy.

Also, in Bavaria around Christmastime, a group of people dress up as “straw devils” and run through the city of Bischofswiesen scaring the inhabitants.

In some German communities, during the celebrations, a fair haired girl would be anointed as, “Christ Child” in which she’d wear a crown of candles and visit nearby houses with a basket of presents.

And in most of Germany, kids leave their shoes outside their bedrooms for Saint Nicholas on December 5. In the morning, if they’ve been good, they’ll find a tree branch covered with sweets. If not, they’ll only find a branch, and we know what that’s going to be used for.

17. Greece

According to Greek folklore, subterranean goblins called Kallikantzaroi surface once every during the 12 days of Christmas and spend the rest of the year underground sawing the World Tree so that it would collapse and the Earth along with it. Yet, just as they’re about to make the final cuts, Christmas comes along causing them to forget about their mission so they decide to terrorize humanity. Yet, after the Christmas season, they find that the tree has healed itself and they have to start their sinister work all over again.

In northern Greece, there’s a tradition in which men get dressed in animal carcasses and carry swords, sing Christmas carols, and gather small gifts from the homes they visited. And if two different groups meet, they start a “war” until one of them surrenders.

18. Former Yugoslavia

2 weeks prior to Christmas, it’s become a tradition in the former Yugoslavia for children to sneak up to their mother and tie her feet to a chair. Then they dance and sing, “Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day, what will you pay to get away?” She then gives them presents yet even that’s not enough to satisfy their materialistic appetites. So the next week they do the same thing to their father.

19. European Alpine Region

Man, I wonder if all these guys dressing up as the Krampus have something to do with the Furry fandom. Then again, why haven't I heard of this tradition from The Sound of Music?

Man, I wonder if all these guys dressing up as the Krampus have something to do with the Furry fandom. Then again, why haven’t I heard of this tradition from The Sound of Music?

Now I’ve written quite a bit about the Krampus in my series on mythological creatures, which is part of a Christmas tradition in parts of Germany, Austria, and Hungary. Now while we have Santa who delivers presents to good little boys and girls, it’s the Krampus who handles the bad kids, who looks like an evil creature from a 1980s fantasy film. Now his job is to wreak general havoc and dish out well-deserved punishments to the bad little children of the world. Carrying a large wicker basket on his back, similar to Santa’s sack, he kidnaps the naughtiest children and sends them straight to Hell. With less naughty kids, he simply whips them. Still, though of pagan origin, he’s been part of the Alpine Christmas tradition at least since 1600 with Krampus festivals going on since the 1800s. And now his popularity is spreading across the major US cities as an excuse to wear Krampus costumes and through bacchanal parties. Not to mention, there’s a Krampusnacht in early December in which some men dress as this demonic walking carpet, get drunk, and parade around town.

They also have a female Krampus called Perchta and when she gets her hands on naughty children, she’s said to rip open their abdomens, pull out their guts, and fill them with straw. Sweet dreams, children!

20. Switzerland

In Samnaun, Switzerland, you have ClauWau or the Santa Claus World Championships where red suited people gather from around the world to compete in Christmas themed contests. Though it's officially to see who's the best Santa team, the laughs are the real goal in this competition.

In Samnaun, Switzerland, you have ClauWau or the Santa Claus World Championships where red suited people gather from around the world to compete in Christmas themed contests. Though it’s officially to see who’s the best Santa team, the laughs are the real goal in this competition.

Switzerland is home to two crazy Christmas traditions in two towns that might as well put places like the Netherlands, Japan, Finland, the Alps, and Catalonia to shame. First, the little town of Samnaun is home to what’s known as the Santa Claus World Championships or ClauWau. Here, teams from all over the world dressed in their bright red and white Santa suits meet at a local ski resort to compete in Christmas themed contests. These events consists of relay races, a wooden rocking horse obstacle course, a gingerbread decorating contest, a chimney climbing contest where St. Nicks throw bags of toys over their backs and race to ring the bell at the top of the chimney, and more, all with the goal of crowning the best Santa team. Of course, at this holly-jolly event, gaining some holiday inspired laughs is the real goal here.

On December 5th, the Swiss town of Kussnacht has Klausjagan, or

On December 5th, the Swiss town of Kussnacht has Klausjagan, or “Chasing of the Claus,” which is a 2 hour festival of villagers chasing Santa Claus with 8 foot whips as well as having locals dressed in giant illuminated stained glass bishop hats in a procession. Also have people loudly blasting cowbells, instruments, and horns.

In another Swiss town called Kussnacht, an age old pagan celebration to ward off evil spirits has evolved into the tradition of Klausjagan, translating into, “chasing the Klaus.” This 2 hour festival begins on December 5th and celebrated as Saint Nicholas Day with villagers proceeding by cracking 8ft long whips all with the intention of harassing Santa Claus. And I’m not making this up. Afterwards, there’s a procession of 200 locals dressed in giant illuminated stained glass bishop hats in an ogle of 200,000. And the festival concludes with a march of over 1,000 locals loudly blasting cowbells, instruments, and horns. Sure it may make sense as a ritual to ward off evil spirits, but directing the focus on Santa Claus since Christianization is just plain weird. Then again, merging Christian theology with old pagan rituals is how many of these traditions were created in the first place.

21. Italy

Every Epiphany Eve, the witch La Befana goes to houses where she drops gifts for the children in Italy. Of course, despite looking like an old hag, she's said to be a very nice lady.

Every Epiphany Eve, the witch La Befana goes to houses where she drops gifts for the children in Italy. Of course, despite looking like an old hag, she’s said to be a very nice lady.

In addition to Santa Claus, Italian children also have another Christmas gift giver named La Befana who’s an old haggard witch on a broom, bestowing gifts to good Italian kids on the eve of Epiphany January 5. And like Santa Claus, she brings coal to the bad kids too as well as goes down chimneys. Like many Christmas rituals and despite looking like a Halloween caricature, La Befana was once a pagan figure of a woman on a pyre to symbolize death and rebirth. She was recreated in the 13th century with Christianity in mind with an established legend as well. In it, she’s said to have turned down an invite from the Three Wise Men to visit Baby Jesus in the manger. Wracked with guilt and regret, she now travels the world on the eve to deliver presents in order to make up for the mistake. Yet, I’m sure that only Italy got the memo. Then again, there’s a similar figure named Babouschka in Russia.

Also, Italians don’t have Christmas trees, but use small wooden pyramids covered in fruit instead.

22. Ireland

In Ireland, it’s a tradition to leave mince pies and a bottle of Guinness for Santa Claus.

The Irish also have a strange tradition of men caroling in straw costumes and carrying dead wrens on sticks.

23. Mexico

In Oaxacca, they have Night of the Radishes on December 23, in which artisans carve oversized radish art to compete in the local contest.

In Oaxacca, they have Night of the Radishes on December 23, in which artisans carve oversized radish art to compete in the local contest.

In the region of Oaxaca has a Christmas tradition known as La Noche de Rabanos on December 23 or “Night of the Radishes,” which has been going on for over 116 years. This was started by 16th century Spanish Missionaries who decided to incorporate the local native carving practices into the conversion. This tradition involves a surreal arts festival in which artisans compete by carving oversized root festivals with cash prizes for the best radish sculpture. Today this contests attracts a hundred annual competitors as well as thousands of tourists.

Oaxaca is also a place where the Christmas festivities begin with a parade with people walking down the lantern-lit streets, and knocking on every door to re-enact Mary and Joseph’s search for shelter. Then they break ceramic plates near the cathedral to signify the year’s end.

Mexico is also the native range of the Poinsettia which is the standard flower for Christmas. This became incorporated in the US traditions around the time of the Mexican War.

Mexico is also the native range of the Poinsettia which is the standard flower for Christmas. This became incorporated in the US traditions around the time of the Mexican War.

Mexico is also the native range for the poinsettia and the reason why it’s a Christmas tradition in the United States since the Mexican War. According to local legend, a poverty-stricken brother and sister left a bouquet of weedy branches as a gift to the Christ Child at their church. Other children laughed at their meager offering a cluster of red star shaped flowers began to bloom from the branches and they became known as Flores de Noche Buena or “Flowers of the Holy Night,” and would be named after US Ambassador to Mexico, Joel Roberts Poinsett.

24. Norway

Norway’s Christmas seems to be regarded share some parallels with Halloween, such as a night when evil spirits taunt the living. It’s believed in Norway that on Christmas, witches come out searching for brooms to steal from hapless citizens before flying off into the cold, dark night. Thus, before Christmas, it was said that Norwegian women would hide all the household brooms and mops while the men fire guns outside to scare away the evil entities. Not to mention, it’s said that some Norwegians engage in Julebukking or “Christmas-goating” where they dress up in goat masks while visiting people. Let’s just say that Christmas in Norway is anything but silent night if you ask me. And you thought that country was just known for Lutefisk.

25. North Korea

Sure North Korea is an atheistic and communist state as mandated in which most of the residents don’t have access to electricity. Yet, the state has its own way of celebrating the Christmas season-by threatening to declare war on South Korea whenever it erects a Christmas tree near the border. Of course, North Korea said that the illuminated Christmas tree is “propaganda” that might convince people on the North Korean border that South Korea may be a better place (it is).

26. South Africa

A common Christmas dish in this country is deep fried Emperor Moth caterpillar. Doesn’t exactly look like a gourmet treat but maybe it tastes delicious.

Children are also told about the story of Danny, a young boy who angered his grandmother by eating the cookies left for Santa. She killed him in a rage and he’s said to haunt homes at Christmas.

27. Greenland

A traditional Christmas dish in this area is Kiviaq, which is better explained by one BBC commentator quoted from the Huffington Post:

“The delicacy is created by first preparing a seal skin: all the meat is removed and only a thick layer of fat remains. The skin is then sewn into a bag shape, which is stuffed with 300-500 little auk birds. Once full and airtight, the skin is sewn up and seal fat is smeared over all over the join, which acts as a repellent to flies. The seal skin is then left under a pile of rocks to ferment for a minimum of three months to a maximum of 18 months.”

Disgusting.

28. Iceland

Iceland has a Yule Cat who's not very nice and is said to devour lazy children without clothes for Christmas. You can see why Icelanders work so hard.

Iceland has a Yule Cat who’s not very nice and is said to devour lazy children without clothes for Christmas. You can see why Icelanders work so hard.

While Italy has La Befana and Catalonia has Cago Tio, Iceland has Jólakötturinn the Yule or Christmas Cat. However, he’s not a nice cat and could possibly eat you. In many Icelandic families, those who finished all their work on time receive new clothes on Christmas, slackers didn’t (though this might be a threat). So to encourage kids to work hard, parents tell their kids that Jólakötturinn can distinguish lazy children by the fact they don’t have at least one new item of clothing for Christmas. And these children would be sacrificed to him. You can see why Icelanders put in more overtime hours than most Europeans.

Here is a chart on the 13 Yule Lads and their parents. Each of them has a name in which they're best known for doing. But, let's just say they really mellowed with the coming of Santa Claus.

Here is a chart on the 13 Yule Lads and their parents. Each of them has a name in which they’re best known for doing. But, let’s just say they really mellowed with the coming of Santa Claus.

Iceland also has a group of men called the Jólasveinar or Yule Lads who are Icelandic trolls and used to steal things and cause trouble around Christmastime. And like the Yule Cat, were used to scare the kiddies straight. Yet, after the introduction of Santa Claus in the 20th century, these guys have soon mellowed to be nice enough to leave gifts in kids’ shoes. And the gift giving lasts for 13 days straight because there are 13 Jólasveinar, each with their own distinct personality, which is from December 12-24. Yet, it’s said their mom isn’t so nice and is said to stew naughty kids. Oh, and their names are Spoon Licker, Bowl Licker, Door Slammer, Sausage Swiper, Door Sniffer, Window Peeper, Meat Hook and Candle Beggar, just as an example. And it’s said that bad kids end up with a bunch of potatoes which I wouldn’t mind to tell the truth.

29. Latvia

While Mummering is done in a lot of European countries and Newfoundland, it's very prominent in Latvia. Of course, it's basically a mix between Christmas caroling and trick or treating.

While Mummering is done in a lot of European countries and Newfoundland, it’s very prominent in Latvia. Of course, it’s basically a mix between Christmas caroling and trick or treating.

In Latvia, Christmastime is still associated with pagan European roots as well as often celebrated from December 22nd to the 25th. Now the Latvian Christmas traditions bear a lot of similarities to Halloween in which people dress up as mummers wearing some kind of mask associated with dead animals and go from house to house playing music and bestowing blessings on the places they visited. In return, they’re given food to eat. In a way, this kind of ritual is like a cross between Christmas caroling and Halloween trick-or-treating. Mummering is also done in Newfoundland and other places as well.

30. Iraq

Iraq has only a few Christians but they have an unusual Christmas ceremony with lighting a bonfire from dried thorns outside their houses. The future of the family’s house depends on how the fire burns. If the thorns are reduced to ashes, then the family would have good fortune. And when fire becomes ashes, everyone jumps in to make a wish. Of course, this tradition may be on the decline due to the rise of ISIS and the fact that lighting fire may make Christians easier targets around the holidays. So sad.

31. Estonia

Like the Finns, the Estonians celebrate Christmas with a visit to the local sauna where they usually bathe nude on Christmas Eve. Basically this entails bonding with your folks in a hot room while drinking vodka, sharing stories, and relaxing. Of course, depending on point of view, this could be either a great alternative to the norm or downright horrifying (the latter in my case).

32. Wales

In Wales, we have Mari Lwyd, which is a festival in which a chosen member of the community parades around the street in a dead horse's skull. Must be traumatizing to the Welsh kiddies.

In Wales, we have Mari Lwyd, which is a festival in which a chosen member of the community parades around the street in a dead horse’s skull. Must be traumatizing to the Welsh kiddies.

Well, Mari Lwyd is more of an after Christmas tradition as well as New Year’s but it’s very crazy nevertheless. Each year in some Welsh villages, Christmas caroling takes a twisted turn when a villager is selected to perform Mari Lwyd, which consists of parading around the streets in a decorated mare’s skull (sometimes with a spring loaded jaw to snap at people) fashioned to a wooden pole covered by a white sheet, while villagers sing. Bet you wouldn’t see that in How Green Was My Valley.

33. Australia

While Europe and North America tend to associate Christmas with snow, Australia basically associates the holiday with volleyball, beach parties,

While Europe and North America tend to associate Christmas with snow, Australia basically associates the holiday with volleyball, beach parties, “Christmas Bush,” and surfing Santas. After all Christmas is a summer holiday for them.

While people in Europe and North America are dreaming of a white Christmas, that dream is basically impossible in Southern Hemisphere nations like Australia who celebrate Christmas in the summer where temperatures are between 68 to 84 degrees Fahrenheit. So images of Santa pulling up a surfboard are a common sight down under. And instead of decorating a fir or pine tree, they use a native plant known as “Christmas Bush.” Oh, and for Australians, Christmas is a time for picnics, beach parties, swimming, and volleyball, you know, traditions most Americans would associate with the 4th of July.

34. Guatemala

On December 7, Guatemala kicks of the Christmas season with La Quema del Diablo where people sweep their homes and gather trash in a big pile where the burn it with Satan in effigy.

On December 7, Guatemala kicks of the Christmas season with La Quema del Diablo where people sweep their homes and gather trash in a big pile where the burn it with Satan in effigy.

Around December 7, Guatemalans celebrate a holiday known as La Quema del Diablo where they sweep their homes and collect trash from around their property creating a massive heap of refuse on the street. The pile is crowned with a Satan effigy and set ablaze and the Christmas season can begin. No, this isn’t how “chestnuts roasting on an open fire” got started, it’s actually a cleansing ritual said to expunge evil spirits and negative energy from upcoming festivities. Seems similar to the celebration relating to the Aztec goddess Tochi sans the human sacrificing part, of course.

35. Portugal

During Christmas dinner, it’s not unusual for Portuguese families to set extra places at their tables for deceased relatives. It’s thought the practice will ensure the household good fortune.

36. Scotland

While Christmas is treated as a time of quiet reflection with family and friends, their New Year’s Eve is a loud, joyous occasion celebrating the birth of the New Year called Hogamanay. An important tradition relating to New Year’s is called First-Footing. Once midnight sets in, all eyes await the arrival of the year’s first visitor who’s said to be the predictor of good fortune in the year ahead. Tall, dark handsome men like Hugh Jackman, Gregory Peck, and Jon Hamm are preferred while women and blondes are deemed unlucky. It’s also supposed to bring an array of gifts like coins (symbolizing fortune), bread (food), and whiskey (good cheer).

Scotland also has a festival known as Up Helly Aa dating from the 1800s in which young men would mischievously drag flaming barrels of tar into the streets. Nowadays, after the fiery parade, participants gather and toss their torches into replica Viking long ship. Then they hold private parties in flamboyant costumes. This celebration signals the end of the Christmas season.

37. Denmark

On Christmas Eve, Danish families leave rice pudding or porridge to make sure the devilish elf Nisse is nice to them. It’s said if they don’t then he may steal presents before the kiddies wake up on Christmas morning.

38. Poland

In some parts of Poland, it’s still tradition for people to make their own elaborate nativity scenes for Christmas with a backdrop of local architecture. Called szopka, these scenes are painstakingly created from materials like cardboard, plastic, and tin foil. This tradition began by local craftsmen to earn extra money on Christmas. In Krakow, there’s even a szopka competition on the first Thursday in December.

39. Belgium

In Belgium, they have two Santas who come around for Saint Nicholas Day which is either Saint Nicholas or Pere Noel depending on what language you speak but they leave either gifts or sticks depending how good the kiddies are. However, they do things a little differently. For instance, while Saint Nicholas goes on a preliminary visit to know how good the kiddies are, Pere Noel just  asks Pere Fouettard, whoever he is.

40. Brazil

In Brazil, Santa Claus or they call him Papai Noel, flies down from Greenland where he drops his heavy Santa attire and opts for sleek vacation like duds. Well, what do you expect from a guy carrying a sack of toys in 90 degree heat?

41. Former Soviet Union

Instead of Santa Claus, Eastern Europe has a guy named Ded Moroz who shares many of the big guy in the red suit's characteristics. Of course, in his earliest tales, he's a cruel sorcerer who froze people and kidnapped children. And the parents had to give presents to him to get their kids back.

Instead of Santa Claus, Eastern Europe has a guy named Ded Moroz who shares many of the big guy in the red suit’s characteristics. Of course, in his earliest tales, he’s a cruel sorcerer who froze people and kidnapped children. And the parents had to give presents to him to get their kids back.

While Ded Moroz “Father Frost” has been present in Russian folklore since the 17th century, he would be reinvented by the Communists as a symbol for the New Year along with “Snow Maiden” and “New Year Boy.” Originally considered an enemy by the Communist regime, Ded Moroz was said to be an ally of the “priests and boyars” Ded Moroz was quickly adopted as New Year symbol or the Soviet replacement Christmas since the communists either hated Christmas’ religious significance or how it’s embroiled in the reckless consumerism and commercialization in the United States. But he was in a lot of Soviet style nativity scenes. Now after the fall of the Soviet Union, Ded Moroz is now a Christian Symbol once more as well as relatively popular.

42. United States

The United States isn’t above holding strange Christmas traditions either as I’ll list the following that covers certain areas:

If my relatives sent me a Christmas card like this, I would wonder what the hell was wrong with them. Seriously, this is just wrong on so many levels.

If my relatives sent me a Christmas card like this, I would wonder what the hell was wrong with them. Seriously, this is just wrong on so many levels.

Now the state of Arizona is known for right wing politics and a distaste for gun control. The Scottsville Gun Club in Scottsdale, Arizona has an event called “Santa and Machine Guns” which allows families (even those with children and babies) take their pick of weaponry from a large arsenal of pistols, shotguns, AK-47s, grenade launchers, and machine guns and use them as props in a cozy Christmas photo op with Santa Claus. Elves give gun safety instructions to the uninitiated before the picture is taken and the pictures are put on Christmas cards to send to families (one of them I put in a Christmas card post last year). Disturbingly enough (especially in the wake of Newtown), it’s a very popular event attracting hundreds lining up.

From the 16th to 19th centuries in the United States, Britain, and Canada, it wasn’t uncommon to play snap dragon around the Christmas season which people tried snatching raisins out of a bowl of burning brandy in which people would pop into the mouth to extinguish them. Successful players would be seen with their hands and mouths dripping with blue flames. It has died out for obvious reasons regarding fire safety.

Another odd US Christmas tradition that has really taken off is SantaCon, which is a time when people dress up as Santa, elves, and reindeer, sing Christmas songs, and go on bar crawls.

Another odd US Christmas tradition that has really taken off is SantaCon, which is a time when people dress up as Santa, elves, and reindeer, sing Christmas songs, and go on bar crawls.

Since 1994, the Cacophony Society in San Francisco has hosted the annual SantaCon. Originally created as a thinking man’s demonstration as a lighthearted protests on Christmas consumerism and commercialism, it’s become a worldwide Christmas convention where thousands of followers dress up as Santa Claus, elf, or reindeer and travel around a given city in massive packs bursting into Christmas songs, stopping at local bars, and stunning passersby. It’s also evolved into an elaborate party and drinking event with widespread rowdiness and public drunkenness like on Saint Patrick’s Day. Lately, it’s become a worldwide phenomenon and sometimes called, “The Running of the Santas.”

This is just a primer on Festivus for those unfamiliar with it. Of course, this was a holiday invented by a father of one of the Seinfeld writers.

This is just a primer on Festivus for those unfamiliar with it. Of course, this was a holiday invented by a father of one of the Seinfeld writers as a parody for Christmas.

And let’s not forget the old tradition of Festivus, a parody Christmas tradition popularized by Seinfeld that takes place on December 23rd. Ironically, this tradition was started by the father of one of the show’s writers. Now this includes a Festivus dinner that includes, an unadorned Festivus pole. It includes practices with the “Airing of Grievances” with each person lashing out words at others and the world about how they’ve been disappointed this year as well as the “Feats of Strength” with the head of household selecting a person at the Festivus celebration and challenging them to wrestling match. And it’s said that Festivus isn’t over until the household head is pinned. Then there’s the notion of “Festivus Miracles” which pertain to easily explainable events. Since the 1997 Seinfeld episode, “The Strike,” it’s gained a widespread adoption.

People in Southern Louisiana are known to have massive bonfires to light up the Mississippi River so that the French Papa Noel can find their houses.

In New York since 1966, TV station WPIX basically broadcasts of a Yule log burning for 24 hours on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

For more: http://www.whychristmas.com/cultures/

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree at the Ugly Sweater Party

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Now that I’m back from my break doing posts on Christmas in Tackyland, let’s get down to business since I know many of you come to my blog around the holidays specifically to look at my treasure trove of bad and kitschy Christmas stuff. Another well-known Christmas tradition during the season is the idea of the ugly sweater party, where people gather to celebrate Christmas bringing gifts, food, and donning their gay apparel with their poor fashion sense. Some people get their ugliest sweaters online or at the store already premade, while others get creative and make their own. As with mine, well, I basically got it from my mother. Well, it’s not exactly what I’d call “ugly” per se, but it basically consists of a combination of two styles such as tacky Christmas sweater meets the traditional robes of the Ming Dynasty. Yet, compared to the other sweaters you’ll look at in this post, this is actually pretty tame (for an ugly Christmas sweater, but as a Chinese robe, it’s atrocious). But here I open a post with me sitting on my couch near the Christmas tree as my parents watch the Pittsburgh Penguins take on the Calgary Flames. Nevertheless, I wore this sweater at the Westmoreland Mall Macy’s for Black Friday while working for ten hours as well as for my family Thanksgiving dinner afterwards. So without further adieu, here are some of the great moments in Christmas dress tackiness. Enjoy for your pleasure though some may not be safe for work, by the way.

1. For our first Christmas fashion disaster, I bring you Santa Dress.

I suppose that this woman is a kindergarten teacher. And I think this dress was designed by one of her students.

I suppose that this woman is a kindergarten teacher. And I think this dress was designed by one of her students.

2. I call this one, “Elf Torpedo Tits.”

Of course, until I saw this picture, I didn't know that they hired strippers at the North Pole. Guess Santa's elves need some entertaining distraction from their lives.

Of course, until I saw this picture, I didn’t know that they hired strippers at the North Pole. Guess Santa’s elves need some entertaining distraction from their lives.

3. In Mexico, they don’t celebrate Christmas wearing ugly sweaters. They celebrate Navidad wearing Navidad ponchos.

Of course, this picture was taken during Chad's time as a foreign exchange student at the Universidad de Tijuana.

Of course, this picture was taken during Chad’s time as a foreign exchange student at the Universidad de Tijuana.

4. Of course, this sweater reminds that dogs will go where they may.

Also, the fact that Scruffy here has no respect whatsoever for Frosty the Snowman. Poor Frosty.

Also, the fact that Scruffy here has no respect whatsoever for Frosty the Snowman. Poor Frosty.

5. As Bob Dylan said, “The answer, my friends, is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind.”

Yes, the answer is certainly blowing in the wind and so is Frosty's head. Or was.

Yes, the answer is certainly blowing in the wind and so is Frosty’s head. Or was.

6. For this Christmas season, have your hair done in the style a la Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

Now this is how you style your hair for an ugly sweater party. Still, very funny. Why didn't I think of this?

Now this is how you style your hair for an ugly sweater party. Still, very funny. Why didn’t I think of this?

7. This lady is totally rocking it in her Frosty dress.

Of course, the kids are going to say, "What do you mean she's Frosty? She doesn't look like Frosty the Snowman to me!" Still, I wonder if the kids understand the concept of either "sexy costumes" or "making do with what they got."

Of course, the kids are going to say, “What do you mean she’s Frosty? She doesn’t look like Frosty the Snowman to me!” Still, I wonder if the kids understand the concept of either “sexy costumes” or “making do with what they got.”

8. I give you the gift bow dress.

Of course, if you have all those bows in your Christmas gift wrapping supplies, what else are you going to do?

Of course, if you have all those bows in your Christmas gift wrapping supplies, what else are you going to do?

9. Here’s a great Christmas sweater featuring the Great Emancipator in his Santa hat.

Seriously, I understand that Abraham Lincoln was a great American President who led the US while it was torn apart by civil war as well as has a very important person in American history. But what the hell does he have to do with Christmas?

Seriously, I understand that Abraham Lincoln was a great American President who led the US while it was torn apart by civil war as well as has a very important person in American history. But what the hell does he have to do with Christmas?

10. “.Fra-gee-lay. Must be Italian.”

I'm sure that reads "fragile" like easily breakable. Yet, I wonder if the guy is Italian though. Seems like he is.

I’m sure that reads “fragile” like easily breakable. Yet, I wonder if the guy is Italian though. Seems like he is.

11. So it’s Christmas and Hell must’ve frozen over. Or not.

Of course, when I see a picture of a skull wearing ear muffs and a scarf, I don't think it's a good sign. Rather, I might suspect that cannibalism was involved.

Of course, when I see a picture of a skull wearing ear muffs and a scarf, I don’t think it’s a good sign. Rather, I might suspect that cannibalism was involved.

12. Ugly Christmas sweater? Nah, how about an ugly Christmas suit instead?

Now I'm sure this guy looks even more ridiculous in the ski lodge with that Christmas suit on. Looks so silly I can't help but laugh.

Now I’m sure this guy looks even more ridiculous in the ski lodge with that Christmas suit on. Looks so silly I can’t help but laugh.

13. Got a black plain sweatshirt? Well, why don’t you take a knack at decorating it like a Christmas wreath with a red bow in the center?

I'm sure this woman took a lot of time to make this sweater as she stands as if she's proud of what she accomplished. Still, I love the wreath though.

I’m sure this woman took a lot of time to make this sweater as she stands as if she’s proud of what she accomplished. Still, I love the wreath though.

14. Have your Christmas sweater vest light up which will make you the life of the party.

Now this girl looks very excited rocking in her lit up Christmas sweater vest. I also wonder what's in that cup she's holding. Still, I wouldn't be caught dead acting like that at my Aunt Mary's place on Christmas Eve.

Now this girl looks very excited rocking in her lit up Christmas sweater vest. I also wonder what’s in that cup she’s holding. Still, I wouldn’t be caught dead acting like that at my Aunt Mary’s place on Christmas Eve.

15. For the little girl in your life, perhaps you can take her to the ugly sweater party dressed as a cute little Christmas tree.

Of course, this little angel is thinking, "why did mommy and daddy have me dress in this stupid tree costume? Everyone at Grandma's house is going to laugh at me."

Of course, this little angel is thinking, “why did mommy and daddy have me dress in this stupid tree costume? Everyone at Grandma’s house is going to laugh at me.”

16. Wake up on Christmas morning wearing Ralphie’s bunny pajamas.

Ironically, because of A Christmas Story, it's now acceptable for guys to wear pink bunny pajamas on Christmas morning. The expression on this guy's face is just hilarious.

Ironically, because of A Christmas Story, it’s now acceptable for guys to wear pink bunny pajamas on Christmas morning. The expression on this guy’s face is just hilarious.

17. Nothing says, “Merry Christmas” than donning a Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on your boob.

Okay, note to self: Don't ever think of trying this idea at your Aunt Mary's house on Christmas Eve. Your aunts and uncles might have a problem with their kids seeing this. Still, this might be great with nursing mothers.

Okay, note to self: Don’t ever think of trying this idea at your Aunt Mary’s house on Christmas Eve. Your aunts and uncles might have a problem with their kids seeing this. Still, this might be great with nursing mothers.

18. Either this is Santa’s female sidekick Plinkerbell or some kind of female Christmas Superheroine called Tinseltoe.

Of course, while this is certainly a festive outfit, I'm sure that it's one of the most atrocious Christmas costumes I've seen so far. Seems like this woman spared no expense whatsoever.

Of course, while this is certainly a festive outfit, I’m sure that it’s one of the most atrocious Christmas costumes I’ve seen so far. Seems like this woman spared no expense whatsoever.

19. I call this one, “Santa Spring Tits.”

Of course, I'm sure this woman is another North Pole stripper elf but she didn't want me to show her face due to privacy reasons.

Of course, I’m sure this woman is another North Pole stripper elf but she didn’t want me to show her face due to privacy reasons.

20. Okay, I understand why they called him “Frosty the Snow ‘man'” instead of “Frosty the Snow ‘woman.'”

Small Child: "Why does the snowman have a carrot and coal on the bottom like that on Uncle Bobby's sweater?" Dad: "You'll learn when you're older, sweetie."

Small Child: “Why does the snowman have a carrot and coal on the bottom like that on Uncle Bobby’s sweater?”
Dad: “You’ll learn when you’re older, sweetie.”

21. Bring the festive spirit of Christmas with this Christmas tree costume.

Of course, at the Christmas Party, you might have people trying to put presents under you than giving them to you.

Of course, at the Christmas Party, you might have people trying to put presents under you than giving them to you.

22. Of course, you can’t forget Jesus, since he’s the Birthday for Christmas.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure if having Jesus on an ugly Christmas sweater is a great idea. In fact, it may possibly border on sacrilege, if you ask me. I mean Jesus kind of deserves more respect than that.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure if having Jesus on an ugly Christmas sweater is a great idea. In fact, it may possibly border on sacrilege, if you ask me. I mean Jesus kind of deserves more respect than that.

23. Of course, why be the only one in your family getting in the Christmas spirit while you can include your whole family?

Of course, I'm sure the whole family approved that they attend the Christmas Party at Grandma's house by wearing sweaters containing giant green candy canes. Then again, maybe it was just the parents' idea.

Of course, I’m sure the whole family approved that they attend the Christmas Party at Grandma’s house by wearing sweaters containing giant green candy canes. Then again, maybe it was just the parents’ idea.

24. For couples, you might want to try this lovely reindeer sweater combination.

Of course, I'm sure the woman usually wears the top half while the man wears the other for obvious reasons. Still, reminds me of "in one end and out the other."

Of course, I’m sure the woman usually wears the top half while the man wears the other for obvious reasons. Still, reminds me of “in one end and out the other.”

25. Now this hostess certainly has all the bows and tinsel on her dress.

Yes, this is another bow dress but this one also includes tinsel and seems more Christmasy. Also, she seems to be saying, "Who wants Christmas cookies?"

Yes, this is another bow dress but this one also includes tinsel and seems more Christmasy. Also, she seems to be saying, “Who wants Christmas cookies?”

26. Of course, you can always include a winter scene.

Yet, this woman seems to deck her outfit with a winter scene enclosed in a plastic bag with some cutouts for a barn and tree as well as lots and lots of cotton.

Yet, this woman seems to deck her outfit with a winter scene enclosed in a plastic bag with some cutouts for a barn and tree as well as lots and lots of cotton.

27. Christmas is always the time for joy.

Yet, when a woman is wearing a Christmas sweater reading, "Feel the Joy" and has two black hands on her chest, I don't think you want to abide.

Yet, when a woman is wearing a Christmas sweater reading, “Feel the Joy” and has two black hands on her chest, I don’t think you want to abide.

28. Seems like this woman is feeling festive in all her greenery.

Now this woman seems like she didn't have much choice to wear this sweater at her Christmas Party. Mainly because she's actually a waitress at the country club.

Now this woman seems like she didn’t have much choice to wear this sweater at her Christmas Party. Mainly because she’s actually a waitress at the country club.

29. “Up on the housetop, reindeer falls. Out jumps good ol’ Santa Claus. Down through the chimney with lots of toys, all for the good little girls and boys.”

Yet, I'm sure that this guy used a creepy psycho Santa Claus foe his chimney and fireplace Christmas sweater. Still, where the hell is the guy's face for God's sake?

Yet, I’m sure that this guy used a creepy psycho Santa Claus foe his chimney and fireplace Christmas sweater. Still, where the hell is the guy’s face for God’s sake?

30. At your Christmas party, come as Santa Claus decorating the tree.

Of course, my question about this outfit other than sheer tackiness is how the hell does this guy manage to sit down in this? Also, I'm sure he has to take it off once in a while.

Of course, my question about this outfit other than sheer tackiness is how the hell does this guy manage to sit down in this? Also, I’m sure he has to take it off once in a while.

31. Of course, what’s a Gingerbread Man without his can of Bud Light?

Just what I need, a drunk Gingerbread cookie. Now the last Christmas cookie I need is one that tastes like beer.

Just what I need, a drunk Gingerbread cookie. Now the last Christmas cookie I need is one that tastes like beer.

32. Seems like Crumpet just got drunk at his RV home.

So I guess that the North Pole has it's share of redneck elves who live in their trailers. Makes sense.

So I guess that the North Pole has it’s share of redneck elves who live in their trailers. Makes sense.

33. Deck the halls at your Christmas party by donning this sweater with a big red bow that lights.

Now I'm sure this is a very tacky Christmas sweater. Yet, at the same time it's all so charming.

Now I’m sure this is a very tacky Christmas sweater. Yet, at the same time it’s all so charming.

34. I’m sure dressing in pink is the height of Christmas fashion.

This Grandma is about as chic in her reindeer pink sweater as that aluminum Christmas tree in the background. Yeah, I'm sure she really stands out.

This Grandma is about as chic in her reindeer pink sweater as that aluminum Christmas tree in the background. Yeah, I’m sure she really stands out.

35. Show your love for the classic A Christmas Story, with this Christmas sweater featuring the legendary leg lamp.

Now I'm sure this guy is the life of the party. Yet, since it has appeared in a family film, I'm sure it's totally appropriate for even family occasions, even if leg lamps are better suited for strip clubs and bars.

Now I’m sure this guy is the life of the party. Yet, since it has appeared in a family film, I’m sure it’s totally appropriate for even family occasions, even if leg lamps are better suited for strip clubs and bars.

36. For your Christmas sweater, perhaps make this holiday beefcake a lovely trimming.

Now this sweater would've been perfectly all right. The Harlequin Romance hottie in the right hand corner just makes it seem more horrendous and in poor taste.

Now this sweater would’ve been perfectly all right. The Harlequin Romance hottie in the right hand corner just makes it seem more horrendous and in poor taste.

37. Seems that Santa just got stuck in the chimney.

Well, if Santa Claus had basically tried to manage his weight better, maybe he wouldn't keep getting stuck in people's chimneys.

Well, if Santa Claus had basically tried to manage his weight better, maybe he wouldn’t keep getting stuck in people’s chimneys.

38. Come to your Christmas Party, dressed up as Cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation.

On second thought, perhaps dressing up as Cousin Eddie for your Christmas party probably isn't a good idea.

On second thought, perhaps dressing up as Cousin Eddie for your Christmas party probably isn’t a good idea.

39. Now this sweater has a stuffed reindeer that I’m sure your relatives would love.

Well, all seems quite well at the front but when you look it the back.....yeah.

Well, all seems quite well at the front but when you look it the back…..yeah.

40. Decorate your Christmas sweater with a lot of jingle bells.

Of course, ugly Christmas sweaters have the potential to make tough biker dudes be reduced to icons of utter ridiculousness.

Of course, ugly Christmas sweaters have the potential to make tough biker dudes be reduced to icons of utter ridiculousness.

41. Of course, Kris Kringle is here to mingle.

Now I'm sure that Santa Claus with a beer isn't going to go well with a G rated Christmas party. Seriously, why?

Now I’m sure that Santa Claus with a beer isn’t going to go well with a G rated Christmas party. Seriously, why?

42. Shimmer at the Christmas party house with this lovely leg lamp dress.

Yes, that's a leg lamp costume but I'm sure that the only thing keeping it from being a strictly stripper club outfit is the fact it's inspired by a prop from a family film.

Yes, that’s a leg lamp costume but I’m sure that the only thing keeping it from being a strictly stripper club outfit is the fact it’s inspired by a prop from a family film.

43. I call this one, “the Santa Claus Hat Spring Boobs.”

If Madonna had an ugly Christmas sweater for a party, it would certainly look like this.

If Madonna had an ugly Christmas sweater for a party, it would certainly look like this.

44. Remember, Jesus is the reason for the season.

Now I don't know about you but I think putting Jesus on an ugly Christmas sweater doesn't seem to be very respectful. Also, why is the Baby Jesus holding a present in his hand?

Now I don’t know about you but I think putting Jesus on an ugly Christmas sweater doesn’t seem to be very respectful. Also, why is the Baby Jesus holding a present in his hand?

45. Celebrate the season with a Christmas leopard sweater?

Okay, what do leopards have to do with Christmas? They're from India and Africa for God's sake! Seriously, why?

Okay, what do leopards have to do with Christmas? They’re from India and Africa for God’s sake! Seriously, why?

46. I’m sure your nutcracker is makes your pink sweater a perfect Christmas fashion item.

Actually, like the previous one, this pepto pink sweater seems horrendously tacky if you ask me. Also, nutcrackers are kind of creepy.

Actually, like the previous one, this pepto pink sweater seems horrendously tacky if you ask me. Also, nutcrackers are kind of creepy.

47. Be sure to have your Christmas suit contain snowmen and Christmas trees.

I'm sure this guy loves to model in this suit for the Amazon catalog site. Still, he doesn't look that bad, but he must feel embarrassed.

I’m sure this guy loves to model in this suit for the Amazon catalog site. Still, he doesn’t look that bad, but he must feel embarrassed.

48. Looks like Santa Claus needs to make a pit stop.

Well, if Santa has to go, he's gotta go. And if he doesn't have access to a bathroom at the moment, he'll go in the snow.

Well, if Santa has to go, he’s gotta go. And if he doesn’t have access to a bathroom at the moment, he’ll go in the snow.

49. Of course, this guy certainly rocks in his Christmas tree suit.

Sure this guy may be modeling very ugly suits, but he can take a ride in my one horse open sleigh any day.

Sure this guy may be modeling very ugly suits, but he can take a ride in my one horse open sleigh any day.

50. Seems that Twinkletoes has met a great reception for her North Pole gig.

Then again, seems like Santa's elves seemed starved for entertainment lately. Looks like there's not much you can do at the North Pole.

Then again, seems like Santa’s elves seemed starved for entertainment lately. Looks like there’s not much you can do at the North Pole.

51. Of course, why have a Christmas sweater when you can’t include a Santa frog on it?

Seriously, what do frogs have to do with Christmas? They don't live in the North Pole. Still, seems like this woman is proud of her creation.

Seriously, what do frogs have to do with Christmas? They don’t live in the North Pole. Still, seems like this woman is proud of her creation.

52. I call this one, “Angel Boobs.”

And I'm sure the "Ho, Ho, Ho," part of that sweater doesn't help matters if you know what I mean.

And I’m sure the “Ho, Ho, Ho,” part of that sweater doesn’t help matters if you know what I mean.

53. Rock in your Yuletide cheer in this Christmas sweater.

I know those are supposed to be bells, but they look so much like tighty whiteys to me.

I know those are supposed to be bells, but they look so much like tighty whiteys to me.

54. Seems like the Santa Police have been searching for the baby Jesus.

Wait a minute, didn't Santa Claus came after baby Jesus? Seriously, what's with the flashlight? I'm sure they didn't have those during the first century BCE.

Wait a minute, didn’t Santa Claus came after baby Jesus? Seriously, what’s with the flashlight? I’m sure they didn’t have those during the first century BCE.

55. I call this one, “Frosty the Snow Boobs.”

I don't know about you but this flashy Christmas sweater seems so wrong on so many levels. Seriously, why?

I don’t know about you but this flashy Christmas sweater seems so wrong on so many levels. Seriously, why?

56. You can’t possibly go overboard with tinsel and poinsettias.

Still, I think this guy kind of overdid it on the tinsel and the poinsettias. Still, I'm sure the woman won't have to worry about having a wardrobe malfunction.

Still, I think this guy kind of overdid it on the tinsel and the poinsettias. Still, I’m sure the woman won’t have to worry about having a wardrobe malfunction.

57. During the year, Santa Claus sits on his candy cane throne watching over to identify the good girls and boys.

Now I'm sure that this candy canes make a perfect background for Santa's chair. Still, this is quite hysterical.

Now I’m sure that this candy canes make a perfect background for Santa’s chair. Still, this is quite hysterical.

58. Who needs a Christmas tree when you can dress like one?

Okay, this guy seems to look less like a Christmas tree and more like a guy who likes to deck himself in tinsel and baubles.

Okay, this guy seems to look less like a Christmas tree and more like a guy who likes to deck himself in tinsel and baubles.

59. Because you can’t have too many candy cane lollipop lights for your Santa sweater.

On second thought, yes, I think there's just too many candy cane lollipop lights here. Also, the Santa might be quite hideous as well.

On second thought, yes, I think there’s just too many candy cane lollipop lights here. Also, the Santa might be quite hideous as well.

60. Of course, you’d always need to have tree on your Christmas sweater that shimmers.

Now I'm sure wearing this shiny Christmas will certainly make you really stand out. Also, may attract people with ADHD.

Now I’m sure wearing this shiny Christmas will certainly make you really stand out. Also, may attract people with ADHD.

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