Father’s Day Gifts Your Dad Doesn’t Want

Me with my father and sister at my sister's high school graduation in 2011.

Me with my dad and sister at my sister’s high school graduation in June of 2011.

I know Father’s Day won’t be around for another month or two but it doesn’t hurt to plan early, assuming he’s still alive and you’re on good terms with him. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to think about buying something for the father of your kids, too, assuming that you know who he is and whether he’s a man deserving of such honor. Still, fathers aren’t as prized as mothers since they their biological contributions to their children doesn’t take as much time and investment as mothers, typically don’t take much investment in raising the kid, usually stop living with their children in divorce cases, tend to commit more crimes against their families as far as official records show, and in some cases aren’t called jerks if they tend to neglect their family for their career ambitions. Furthermore, the idea of American masculinity doesn’t seem to jive well with parenting at times, especially when it comes to being more nurturing. Not to mention, fathers can be portrayed as hopeless with housework or complete idiots. Nevertheless, the kind working fathers who stay with their families should receive paid paternity leave because even though they’re not popping out babies, they certainly could use a break for everything they do. And sure, while fathers are typically seen as providers and protectors, they also need to be seen as nurturers willing to do whatever it takes to make sure their kids become well-adjusted human beings. And other than moms, dads tend to have a big influence on their children’s lives whether they like it or not. Of course, like Mother’s Day it’s also seething with commercialism but not to the same degree, save maybe with the funny card department as well as with certain stores and departments that cater toward men. Now I can go on and on about great gifts you should bestow on your dear old dad. But since it will be boring, I’ll focus on stuff that will make your pops clutch at his heart upon revelation that you’ll have to call 911 to send him to a hospital. Now I’m not talking about “World’s Greatest Dad” mugs and what not. I’m talking about stuff that’s more unusual. So without further adieu, I give you an assortment of gifts that certainly not please your old man. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

1. Handyman Tool Belt Lounge Pants

Basically this is for the dad who would like to see himself as a handyman but is too busy being a couch potato. Also, the tools are fake and these are sweatpants.

Basically this is for the dad who would like to see himself as a handyman but is too busy being a couch potato. Also, the tools are fake and these are sweatpants. Best for watching reruns of This Old House.

2. Toilet Mug

Just because your dad enjoys toilet jokes doesn't mean he wants to drink his coffee from one in the morning. Seriously, he'd totally wouldn't want to be seen with this.

Just because your dad enjoys toilet jokes doesn’t mean he wants to drink his coffee from one in the morning. Seriously, he’d totally wouldn’t want to be seen with this.

3. BBQ Big Boy

Even if your dad is Steven Raichlen of BBQ U and Primal Grill, this would make a very terrible Father's Day gift. Unless, of course, he's a grilling enthusiast currently in a fraternity. But even then, such a Father's Day gift would be awkward but for different reasons.

Even if your dad is Steven Raichlen of BBQ U and Primal Grill (as well as possibly the manliest cook on public television), this would make a very terrible Father’s Day gift. Unless, of course, he’s a grilling enthusiast currently in a fraternity. But even then, such a Father’s Day gift would be awkward but for different reasons.

4. 52 Things Kids Need from a Dad by Jay Payleitner

From Cosmo: "Add some real bite by tabbing individual pages that illustrate his fatherly shortcomings and make sure to annotate with specific examples from your childhood." Still, you're much better off giving him a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and rubbing it in your face that he'll measure up to Atticus Finch.

From Cosmo: “Add some real bite by tabbing individual pages that illustrate his fatherly shortcomings and make sure to annotate with specific examples from your childhood.” Still, you’re much better off giving him a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and rubbing it in your face that he’ll measure up to Atticus Finch.

5. Bill Cosby Sweater

For those who know what's been going on with Bill Cosby lately, you can see why this is no longer a great gift idea. Seriously, in this day in age what was once seen as, "loveable dad" could immediately transform into, "serial rapist" very quickly.

For those who know what’s been going on with Bill Cosby lately, you can see why this is no longer a great gift idea. Seriously, in this day in age what was once seen as, “loveable dad” could immediately transform into, “serial rapist” very quickly.

6. Emergency Underwear Dispenser

Now your dad has an embarrassing place to put his equally embarrassing tidy whiteys. Also, if he gets upset, you can tell him the diaper dispenser was on back order.

Now your dad has an embarrassing place to put his equally embarrassing tidy whiteys. Also, if he gets upset, you can tell him the diaper dispenser was on back order.

7. Wiener Roasters

For the dad who loves to grill and possesses no sense of taste. Seriously, I'm not sure if my dad would want to be caught dead roasting hotdogs from these.

For the dad who loves to grill and possesses no sense of taste. Seriously, I’m not sure if my dad would want to be caught dead roasting hotdogs from these.

8. Eagle Claw Portable Potty

From Farm and Fleet: "Carrying a “potty” in your pocket is not a good idea no matter how clever they think it might be!" Yes, this is basically "Go Girl" for men.

From Farm and Fleet: “Carrying a “potty” in your pocket is not a good idea no matter how clever they think it might be!” Yes, this is basically “Go Girl” for men.

9. Waxvac Ear Cleaner

There are more polite ways of telling your father that he's losing his hearing. And I'm sure hearing loss isn't always caused by wax buildup.

There are more polite ways of telling your father that he’s losing his hearing. And I’m sure hearing loss isn’t always caused by wax buildup.

10. RELIANCE Luggable Loo Portable Camping Toilet

From Farm and Fleet: "Could you imagine dad lugging this into a movie theater on family movie night? It doesn’t matter if the movie theater adds claim “So comfortable, you’ll feel like you’re watching a movie in the comfort of your own home”."  Of course, he could just as well use the facilities already available at any venue anyway, campground or not.

From Farm and Fleet: “Could you imagine dad lugging this into a movie theater on family movie night? It doesn’t matter if the movie theater adds claim “So comfortable, you’ll feel like you’re watching a movie in the comfort of your own home”.” Of course, he could just as well use the facilities already available at any venue anyway, campground or not.

11. Borat Mankini

If it looked bad on Borat, it will certainly look terrible on your dad. To quote my dad,  just say, "no way in hell," on this one.

If it looked bad on Borat, it will certainly look terrible on your dad. To quote my dad, just say, “no way in hell,” on this one.

12. The Slim & Lift Undershirt for Men

Otherwise known as "Spanx for Dudes."  Basically, this says, "take this gift to hide your fat" to your beer bellied old man even if he's about 6 feet tall and weighs 180 pounds.

Otherwise known as “Spanx for Dudes.” Basically, this says, “take this gift to hide your fat” to your beer bellied old man even if he’s about 6 feet tall and weighs 180 pounds. Yeah, I’m sure your dad wouldn’t appreciate this.

13. Bedbug Sleeping Cocoon

Dad infested with bedbugs? Does he lay down with dogs and ends up with fleas? For $79, your dad will be safe from re-infesting himself even if he's an ireedemable slob who slums in bug infested beds.

Dad infested with bedbugs? Does he lay down with dogs and ends up with fleas? For $79, your dad will be safe from re-infesting himself even if he’s an irredeemable slob who slums in bug infested beds.

14. Beer Belly

Before getting this ask yourself these questions: 1. Does Dad have drinking problem?, 2. Is Dad very self-conscious about his waistline?, and 3. Will people find it awkward that Dad sips from a straw out of his shirt? Then again, this is probably a pretty bad idea.

Before getting this ask yourself these questions: 1. Does Dad have drinking problem?, 2. Is Dad very self-conscious about his waistline?, and 3. Will people find it awkward that Dad sips from a straw out of his shirt? Then again, this is probably a pretty bad idea.

15. Beer Belt

For dads who love beer and hate getting a refill. Can hold cans or bottles. Nevertheless, should you really be encouraging your dad to drink a circumference of beer? Certainly not.

For dads who love beer and hate getting a refill. Can hold cans or bottles. Nevertheless, should you really be encouraging your dad to drink a circumference of beer? Certainly not, especially if he might have a drinking problem.

16. Cruzin Cooler

Does your dad hate walking but love cold beverages like beer? If so,  with this your dad can enjoy a beer while cruising along at up to 10 miles on electric models. Of course, this will also lead your dad embarrassing you at sporting events as well as hunting and fishing trips. However, my dad would rather have a cooler he can load up in a trunk with groceries. I'm sure he wouldn't get much use from this.

Does your dad hate walking but love cold beverages like beer? If so, with this your dad can enjoy a beer while cruising along at up to 10 miles on electric models. Of course, this will also lead your dad embarrassing you at sporting events as well as hunting and fishing trips. However, my dad would rather have a cooler he can load up in a trunk with groceries. I’m sure he wouldn’t get much use from this since I’m positive Aldi’s wouldn’t let him in with one.

17. Beer Soap

Now these come in scents like Stout, Black Ale, Porter, and Wild Lager. Nevertheless, would you want your dad emerge from the shower smelling like he's just come out of a bar? Think about it.

Now these come in scents like Stout, Black Ale, Porter, and Wild Lager. Nevertheless, would you want your dad emerge from the shower smelling like he’s just come out of a bar? Think about it.

18. Chest Hair Toupee

And I thought regular head toupees are stupid. If your dad sports a hairless chest, why don't you just encourage him to embrace it? Seriously, why does this thing even exist?

And I thought regular head toupees are stupid. If your dad sports a hairless chest, why don’t you just encourage him to embrace it? Seriously, why does this thing even exist?

19. Denim Underwear

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "Maybe instead of the “Sex for Dummies” book you can spice up your love life with a pair of these…and why not? Men buy women lingerie all the time!  Or maybe the father of your children likes to go commando in jeans. OR maybe you can’t afford a vasectomy and you’re tired of the man fathering children with you. These denim wonders are sperm killers fo’ sho!" Yeah, I'm sure those underpants would be a hit if he wore them to a gay bar, not that there's anything wrong with that. Then again, I'm sure nobody would even want their gay dad in these.

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Maybe instead of the “Sex for Dummies” book you can spice up your love life with a pair of these…and why not? Men buy women lingerie all the time! Or maybe the father of your children likes to go commando in jeans. OR maybe you can’t afford a vasectomy and you’re tired of the man fathering children with you. These denim wonders are sperm killers fo’ sho!” Yeah, I’m sure those underpants would be a hit if he wore them to a gay bar, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Then again, I’m sure nobody would even want their gay dad in these.

20. TEMPTOOTH Do-It-Yourself Tooth Replacement

Just because there's a DIY tooth replacement kit out there, doesn't mean it's a great gift for Father's Day. In fact, any kit of DIY dentistry is a really bad idea. Still, Stu from The Hangover could've used one of these.

Just because there’s a DIY tooth replacement kit out there, doesn’t mean it’s a great gift for Father’s Day. In fact, any kit of DIY dentistry is a really bad idea. Still, Stu from The Hangover could’ve used one of these.

21. Swashbuckling BBQ Sword

Let's face it, nobody wants to see a fencing match with BBQ implements. Seriously, sword + BBQ = potential for disaster.

Let’s face it, nobody wants to see a fencing match with BBQ implements. Seriously, sword + BBQ = potential for disaster.

22. Inflatable Unicorn Horn

To be fair, if it was stupid enough to get one for your cat, just imagine how stupid your dad will look in one of these. Still, sure to make him a hit at the retirement home.

To be fair, if it was stupid enough to get one for your cat, just imagine how stupid your dad will look in one of these. Still, sure to make him a hit at the retirement home.

23. The Daddle

For the dad who can give horsey rides and not give a shit about his dignity. Not appropriate for toddlers trained in the English Father Riding Method. So don't use it for father jumping, father fox hunting, father polo, or daddy dressage.

For the dad who can give horsey rides and not give a shit about his dignity. Not appropriate for toddlers trained in the English Father Riding Method. So don’t use it for father jumping, father fox hunting, father polo, or daddy dressage.

24. Handerpants – Underpants for Your Hands

Because skidmarks aren't just from your ass anymore. Still, underwear for your hands? I'm sure these are of the tidy whitey variety. As if tidy whiteys aren't embarrassing enough for men to wear under their pants already.

Because skidmarks aren’t just from your ass anymore. Still, underwear for your hands? I’m sure these are of the tidy whitey variety. As if tidy whiteys aren’t embarrassing enough for men to wear under their pants already.

25. Flair Hair Visors, Bandanas, and accessories

Of course, these come in a variety of different styles such as the Guy Fieri, the 1980s Lynyrd Skynyrd fan, the Biker, the Bedhead, and the Guy from Trailer Park. There are alot on their website, including one with dreadlocks (which I'm not kidding about by the way). Still, he's probably better off without one.

Of course, these come in a variety of different styles such as the Guy Fieri, the 1980s Lynyrd Skynyrd fan, the Biker, the Bedhead, and the Guy from Trailer Park. There are alot on their website, including one with dreadlocks (which I’m not kidding about by the way). Still, he’s probably better off without one.

26. Glam Rock Men’s Underwear

From France with just $59-$90, your dad can channel his old favorite glam rock musician by wearing what you might've found in David Bowie's underwear drawer during his 1970s Ziggy Stardust phase. Yeah, I'm sure these will make any guy seem like a pinnacle of manliness (sarcasm).

From France with just $59-$90, your dad can channel his old favorite glam rock musician by wearing what you might’ve found in David Bowie’s underwear drawer during his 1970s Ziggy Stardust phase. Yeah, I’m sure these will make any guy seem like a pinnacle of manliness (sarcasm).

27. Grill Sergeant Apron

This apron comes with room for all the grilling essentials such as grill tools, condiments, and beer cans. Because when your dad goes to grill, he needs to be prepared for anything.  I'm sure this would make Steven Raichlen jealous.

This apron comes with room for all the grilling essentials such as grill tools, condiments, and beer cans. Because when your dad goes to grill, he needs to be prepared for anything. I’m sure this would make Steven Raichlen jealous.

28. Head Spa

Unless your dad likes head massages and looking somewhat of a human cyborg, you should probably not get him this. Seriously, this partial Robocop helmet would make him look utterly ridiculous.

Unless your dad likes head massages and looking somewhat of a human cyborg, you should probably not get him this. Seriously, this partial Robocop helmet would make him look utterly ridiculous.

29. Head and Eye Massager

With a $200 contribution to Skymall, you can help dad relax, unwind, and look like he's ready to fight an intergalactic battle with this contraption! Of course, he'll probably be disappointed that this isn't a virtual reality headset and controller.

With a $200 contribution to Skymall, you can help dad relax, unwind, and look like he’s ready to fight an intergalactic battle with this contraption! Of course, he’ll probably be disappointed that this isn’t a virtual reality headset and controller, especially if he’s Bill Gates.

30. Knight Sweatshirt

With just $225, this will make your dad as comfortable as he is brave as well as part of the King's Guard. Will also make him look like an idiot at home as well as at your local Renaissance  Fair or Game of Thrones convention.

With just $225, this will make your dad as comfortable as he is brave as well as part of the King’s Guard. Will also make him look like an idiot at home as well as at your local Renaissance Fair or Game of Thrones convention.

31. Japanese Foam Women’s Legs Pillow

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "Does the man in your life have separation anxiety? Whenever you’re away from him does he have trouble sleeping?  If you can’t be there to put him to bed each night, I’ve found the next best thing!" Yeah, but if he's your dad, you might want to think twice about buying this.

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Does the man in your life have separation anxiety? Whenever you’re away from him does he have trouble sleeping? If you can’t be there to put him to bed each night, I’ve found the next best thing!” Yeah, but if he’s your dad, you might want to think twice about buying this.

32. Kiss Hankie

Now this is the kind of gift that might end your parents' marriage on Father's Day, assuming that your dad isn't "hiking the Appalachian Trail" that weekend (I'm talking to you former governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina who spent Father's Day with a mistress in Argentina and didn't tell anyone).

Now this is the kind of gift that might end your parents’ marriage on Father’s Day, assuming that your dad isn’t “hiking the Appalachian Trail” that weekend (I’m talking to you former governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina who spent Father’s Day with a mistress in Argentina and didn’t tell anyone).

33. Kleen Stride Shoes Personal Debris Removal System

Because if he can walk, he can clean. Comes with attachable rake and plow, which are sold separately.

Because if he can walk, he can clean. Comes with attachable rake and plow, which are sold separately.

34. Shittens

Want your dad to be as sanitary as possible? Then these Shittens will bring the joy of hand cleaning his ass without all the crappy contamination.  Great for changing diapers.

Want your dad to be as sanitary as possible? Then these Shittens will bring the joy of hand cleaning his ass without all the crappy contamination. Great for changing diapers.

35. The Man Can

This include everything a man needs to go soft like Fisherman’s Hand Butter, Fisherman’s Scrub Soap, Spicy Shave Gel, Bay Rum After Shower Oil, and a body mitt. I mean a bath set is what you give your mom when you don't know what else to buy her, so why not get one for your dad? Yeah, I'm sure he'll really take to that (sarcasm).

This include everything a man needs to go soft like Fisherman’s Hand Butter, Fisherman’s Scrub Soap, Spicy Shave Gel, Bay Rum After Shower Oil, and a body mitt. I mean a bath set is what you give your mom when you don’t know what else to buy her, so why not get one for your dad? Yeah, I’m sure he’ll really take to that (sarcasm).

36. Meggings

Leggings tend to walk a fine line between tights and pants, so why should women be the ones pushing boundaries of appropriate apparel? Great for hipster dads or any father who doesn't give a flying fashion statement. Still, gives him the opportunity to channel male icons like David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, George Michael, and Elton John.

Leggings tend to walk a fine line between tights and pants, so why should women be the ones pushing boundaries of appropriate apparel? Great for hipster dads or any father who doesn’t give a flying fashion statement. Still, gives him the opportunity to channel male icons like David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, George Michael, Mick Jagger, Michael Jackson, and Elton John.

37. Play Mat Tee Shirt for Men

For $22, this shirt gives dad a back rub as well as fosters a bond between him and his children. Hope the kiddies aren't playing with Legos, though.

For $22, this shirt gives dad a back rub as well as fosters a bond between him and his children. Hope the kiddies aren’t playing with Legos, though.

38. Shakoolie

Showering can really get in the way of enjoying a cold beer. But with this shower beer holder, it doesn't have to be that way anymore. Of course, let's hope that soapy water doesn't get in the beer though.

Showering can really get in the way of enjoying a cold beer. But with this shower beer holder, it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. Of course, let’s hope that soapy water doesn’t get in the beer though.

39. Reef Men’s Fanning Sandal

These sandals have a hidden bottle opener in the middle of the sole. So if you want to see your dad open a bottle with his shoe, you shouldn't get this. Seriously, that's gross.

These sandals have a hidden bottle opener in the middle of the sole. So if you want to see your dad open a bottle with his shoe, you shouldn’t get this. Seriously, that’s gross.

40. Shouting Vase

For $66, you ill tempered dad can take out all his anger and frustrations while unintentionally entertaining your friends. Let's hope they have these in toddler size.

For $66, you ill tempered dad can take out all his anger and frustrations while unintentionally entertaining your friends. Let’s hope they have these in toddler size.

41. World’s Greatest Dad Darth Vader T-Shirt

So this means that being a great dad basically means locking up your daughter for termination, blowing up her planet, freezing her boyfriend in carbonite for Jabba the Hutt via Boba Fett, cutting off your son’s hand, and asking him to join the family business or face death?  I’m sorry, but if you think that Darth Vader is the World’s Greatest dad, your attitude toward parenting must squarely fall on the Dark Side.

42. A trip to Paradise Valley.

Now I’m sure that the guys at Paradise Valley said, “Dad” in the context of “father of your children” such as wives wanting to give their husbands something while somebody watching the kiddies. However, this ad really has a real creepy incest subtext that might remind you of either Greek tragedies or Game of Thrones. A perfect Father’s Day gift for Noah Cross.

43. A 3-Wheeled Riding Mower

Now this is the kind of gift that will basically telling Dad that the grass needs cut and he should really lose a few. Let's just say, my dad is more likely to stick to his Cub Cadet.

Now this is the kind of gift that will basically telling Dad that the grass needs cut and he should really lose a few. Let’s just say, my dad is more likely to stick to his Cub Cadet.

44. Man Candles

These are scented candles for men that come in aromas like bacon,pizza, popcorn, sawdust, and farts. Still, even if my dad likes those smells, he’d hate this gift simple because he hates candles in general. They give him migraines.

45. Gold Man Home Urinal

From Huffington Post: "This product is supposed to prevent messy toilet seats, but you still have to wash it (which it recommends you do using the shower). Wouldn't it be easier to just clean the regular toilet, or even pee in the shower? Yes. Yes it would."

From Huffington Post: “This product is supposed to prevent messy toilet seats, but you still have to wash it (which it recommends you do using the shower). Wouldn’t it be easier to just clean the regular toilet, or even pee in the shower? Yes. Yes it would.”

46. Potty Putter Golf Green

So this basically lets your dad practicing his hole in one while he's doing a no. 2. Now walking in on your dad in the bathroom has just become a whole lot more awkward.

So this basically lets your dad practicing his hole in one while he’s doing a no. 2. Now walking in on your dad in the bathroom has just become a whole lot more awkward.

47. Mantyhose

If you thought Meggings were silly enough, you have Mantyhose, which are pantyhose for men. Of course, before these, Lord knows what kind of stockings transvestites used.

If you thought Meggings were silly enough, you have Mantyhose, which are pantyhose for men. Of course, before these, Lord knows what kind of stockings transvestites used.

48. UroClub – Golf Club Urination Device

From Huffington Post: "We get that there are no bathrooms on a golf course, so relieving yourself can be a little complicated. But this? It's a urine receptacle shaped like a golf club, complete with a "privacy shield" towel that's really an unconvincing loin cloth. All of a sudden peeing behind a bush seems so much more sophisticated."

From Huffington Post: “We get that there are no bathrooms on a golf course, so relieving yourself can be a little complicated. But this? It’s a urine receptacle shaped like a golf club, complete with a “privacy shield” towel that’s really an unconvincing loin cloth. All of a sudden peeing behind a bush seems so much more sophisticated.”

49. Men’s Underwear Repair Kit

With this your dad won't have to worry about wearing out his underwear again. You know what's cheaper way to handle worn out underwear? Buying him a new pack of underwear.

With this your dad won’t have to worry about wearing out his underwear again. You know what’s cheaper way to handle worn out underwear? Buying him a new pack of underwear.

50. Spray – On Hair

Dad worried about his growing bald spot? This spray on hair will do the trick. Spray it on and no one will know (yeah right). Nevertheless, this guy isn't fooling anybody.

Dad worried about his growing bald spot? This spray on hair will do the trick. Spray it on and no one will know (yeah right). Nevertheless, this guy isn’t fooling anybody.

51. Men’s Brassiere

You know you've heard of this as either a "bro" or a "mansiere" from Seinfeld. Well, thanks to the Japanese, you can totally get one for your dad. But that doesn't necessarily mean you should. Yeah, I'm not sure what the Japanese are on to come up with such products. Also, comes in pink.

You know you’ve heard of this as either a “bro” or a “mansiere” from Seinfeld. Well, thanks to the Japanese, you can totally get one for your dad. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you should. Yeah, I’m not sure what the Japanese are on to come up with such products. Also, comes in pink.

52. Que Eau de Barbecue

Just because you love your dad and baby back ribs, doesn't mean you should buy him barbecue scented cologne. I mean why would you want cologne that smells like you've just came from the grill? Seriously, who comes up with this shit?

Just because you love your dad and baby back ribs, doesn’t mean you should buy him barbecue scented cologne. I mean why would you want cologne that smells like you’ve just came from the grill? Seriously, who comes up with this shit?

53. Finger Nose Hair Trimmer

Now nose hair trimmers make horrible gifts for Father's Day. But this one's shaped like a finger which makes it even more disgusting. Yeah, I'm sure your dad will certainly appreciate this (not).

Now nose hair trimmers make horrible gifts for Father’s Day. But this one’s shaped like a finger which makes it even more disgusting. Yeah, I’m sure your dad will certainly appreciate this (not).

54. Laser Portrait Paperweight

Sure this might seem like a good idea at the time. But blasting a creepy laser portrait of yourself into a glass paperweight just adds insult to injury.

Sure this might seem like a good idea at the time. But blasting a creepy laser portrait of yourself into a glass paperweight just adds insult to injury.

55. Breathalyzer Keychain

I'm sure giving your dad a breathalyzer keychain is a very subtle way to tell him that he has a drinking problem. Perhaps if your considering giving your dad this, it's probably time for an intervention.

I’m sure giving your dad a breathalyzer keychain is a very subtle way to tell him that he has a drinking problem. Perhaps if your considering giving your dad this, it’s probably time for an intervention.

56. IGrow Laser Helmet

This is supposed to be a helmet that increases hair growth by shooting laser beams through the scalp and costs $695. Not sure if it works, but it will surely make your dad look ridiculous when he's wearing it. Yeah, $695 is totally not worth it.

This is supposed to be a helmet that increases hair growth by shooting laser beams through the scalp and costs $695. Not sure if it works, but it will surely make your dad look ridiculous when he’s wearing it. Yeah, $695 is totally not worth it.

57. Leggy End Table

Good: Would make a fine addition for the Christmas Story Leg Lamp you bought him for Christmas. Bad: Makes a very inappropriate living room decoration.

Good: Would make a fine addition for the Christmas Story Leg Lamp you bought him for Christmas.
Bad: Makes a very inappropriate living room decoration.

58. Tattoupees

Snazz up your dad's chrome dome with an assortment of head tattoos. That will help him embrace his baldness.

Snazz up your dad’s chrome dome with an assortment of head tattoos. That will help him embrace his baldness.

59. Upright Sleeper

Dad always nodding off? Always waking up finding himself on a stranger's shoulder or face down on the floor? Well, this Upright Sleeper is totally not the awkward way to sleep on the go (sarcasm).

Dad always nodding off? Always waking up finding himself on a stranger’s shoulder or face down on the floor? Well, this Upright Sleeper is totally not the awkward way to sleep on the go (sarcasm).

60. Wearable Sleeping Bag

Want your dad to lay down whenever possible?  Well, this will make him sleep like a baby, no matter where he is. Of course, it'll also make him look utterly ridiculous in public. Yeah, you might have some explaining to do.

Want your dad to lay down whenever possible? Well, this will make him sleep like a baby, no matter where he is. Of course, it’ll also make him look utterly ridiculous in public. Yeah, you might have some explaining to do.

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Bad Movie Brothers

Now while there are plenty of only children in movies, there are a lot of memorable siblings. Sometimes they can be your best friends as well as hardly there at all. Some even could be backstabbing sons of bitches if you get my drift. Now it’s said that siblings share a lot together such as genetics, childhood, home, and what not. They’re also more likely to be a person’s longest and closest biological connection as well as be among the first choices for a new kidney, if need be. Still, since a lot of movies tend to pertain to men, it’s no wonder that there are so many of memorable ones on film from parental surrogates to annoying little shits. However, this post basically pertains to brothers that aren’t so nice who you’d wish their siblings just have a clue and kick them to the curb. Some of these guys are selfish protectors while others are chronic backstabbers who’d hang their families out to dry in a heartbeat. Some are just goddamn crazy and perhaps homicidal maniacs. Others are a little of both. But for the kid who feels like they have the worst brother ever, let’s just say this list will make you feel much better after seeing what some people in the movies have to deal with. Half-brothers, stepbrothers, and adopted brothers are included as well. Uncles will also count as well if sibling ties can be established, since being a bad uncle is also synonymous with being a bad brother even if they direct their vileness toward their siblings’ kids that’s every parent’s nightmare. So without further adieu, here is a list of some of the terrible brothers in movies that put your mean and annoying brothers to shame.

1. Stephen Bloom

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From: The Brothers Bloom
The Problem: Those who’ve seen Foxcatcher will remember Mark Ruffalo as Channing Tatum’s caring older brother. But as Stephen Bloom, his relationship with Adrien Brody in this film is very complicated, since they’re con artists with their relationship being a fine line between brotherly love and the elder exploiting the younger as a prop for his own selfish ends. Sure Stephen may love his little brother Bloom more than anyone else in his life. It’s clear their relationship isn’t a typical one between brothers since they were the only people in each other’s lives due to being orphaned at a young age and spending a significant part of their childhood bouncing between foster homes. So as it’s only natural that Stephen and Bloom’s relationship may contain aspects one would associate between a parent and child (despite a 3 year age difference). And yes, Stephen might have originally invented the cons as a way to get Bloom to interact with the world while they were kids. But even then, you can also argue Stephen invented their con game because he was jealous of how the other kids seem to have it better than they did (hence the line “playground bourgeoisies”). But you can’t really blame him since their lives were relatively miserable in foster care. However, fast forward 25 years later and there’s no denying that Stephen plans all his cons for himself just because he wants to write a good story and make it real as well as rip off a bunch of rich folks who won’t miss their money anyway. Bloom usually assists his big brother doing whatever he says mostly because he loves his brother and is simply too passive and nice for his own good. But Stephen’s con games have taken a heavy toll on Bloom who never gets to grow into his own person (hence why he’s not known by his first name), never gets to pursue what he wants, views himself very negatively as a human being, and may be well on his way to becoming a psychological mess. I mean spending a few months drinking in Montenegro and possibly traveling with bottles of gin are never good signs. Furthermore, it’s well established in their first scenes as adults that Bloom has wanted to quit for awhile and has told his brother before on so many occasions that Stephen was able to say so word for word. But Stephen always knows how to manipulate his little brother into doing a con job no matter how reluctant Bloom may be. And when Bloom falls for their mark Penelope Stamp, he not only has to suffer the emotional consequences of luring and dumping her but his relationship with Stephen also gets to the point where he can’t completely tell the difference of whether his brother is being sincere or trying to con him. Stephen may not be responsible for all of Bloom’s problems, but his relationship with Stephen keeps him trapped in a con game he doesn’t want to play as well as makes him a very conflicted and very unhappy man.

2. Princes Richard, Geoffrey, and John Plantagenet

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From: The Lion in Winter with Richard and John in the Robin Hood movies
The Problem: Let’s just say, that sibling rivalries can get quite heated. But when it comes to medieval brothers fighting over who’ll rule after daddy, then it will be played up like a contact sport. If not, then war. Now it’s not easy being a Plantagenet, especially if you’re a grown man whose dad is King Henry II of England and mom is Queen Eleanor of Acquitaine. And by 1183, they’re not on the best of terms with his philandering and her inciting you guys into rebelling against him that got her put in prison for 10 years. So coming from a family like that, not wanting to spend the holidays with your folks is understandable. Add to that the fact your oldest brother Henry has died not too long ago and that King Henry is bonking the French King’s sister who’s engaged to Richard (who’d prefer her brother anyway). Oh, and did I tell you the French King Philip II is just 17 year old newlywed who’s also the son of Eleanor’s ex-husband? Now it’s clear that Henry and Eleanor favor a different son to succeed the king when he dies such as John and Richard respectively. But it’s also clear that primogeniture isn’t law yet and Henry fears that his sons will fight a civil war after he dies. And looking how these guys got along with each other during Christmas, he’s clearly not overreacting. Surviving oldest Richard likes to slaughter guys in tournaments and in the Holy Land who as king, left his country financially ruined, had to have the English people bail him out after being captured, and really didn’t care much about being a king of England anyway. But he’s also close to his mama and may prefer the company of merry men. But he and his dad really don’t get along. Middle son Geoffrey has a case of chronic backstabbing disorder who likes to use his brothers as pawns. Luckily he dies (supposedly trampled by a horse during a jousting tournament) before his old man kicks the bucket so he’s not in the Robin Hood movies. Then there’s the youngest, Prince John who’s a spoiled teenage brat in The Lion in Winter but he’s smarter than he looks (but is unaware about being an unwitting pawn). So when Richard’s out and mommy’s dead, then he’ll try to take over. And when he becomes king, he’ll kill off Geoffrey’s teenage son Arthur before the latter would challenge him. Of course, he won’t be as well liked as Richard and will be forced to sign the Magna Carta before dying of dysentery. Yeah. Now could you not blame Henry II for wanting to kill his boys for treason?

3. J. J. Hunsecker

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From: Sweet Smell of Success
The Problem: Okay, J. J. isn’t the nicest guy in the world, but when it comes to selfish and controlling brothers, he makes Stephen Bloom look like an angel. At least Stephen has some redeeming qualities when it comes to his little brother. When it comes to J. J.’s relationship with his sister, he has absolutely none. Now since J. J. basically had to raise Susan, he’s very protective of his little sister, maybe to inappropriate levels. But he cares much more about his needs than he ever will about hers. So when his little sister Susan starts dating a nightclub jazz guitarist Steve Dallas (who’s a perfectly nice guy, by the way), what does Hunsecker do? Why recruit a smarmy press agent named Sidney Falco to break them up, of course. So to please the bullying, intimidating Hunsecker, Falco plants a (certifiably false) rumor that Dallas is a dope smoking Communist so the morally bankrupt syndicated columnist could rescue his reputation. However, though Dallas and Susan do break up (officially), Dallas just can’t resist insulting Hunsecker and his underhanded methods. Hunsecker is so enraged that he tells Falco to plant marijuana on the musician and have a dirty cop Lt. Harry Kello arrest and beat him up. Falco is uneasy about this but goes ahead with the plan anyway. But when he is summoned to Hunsecker’s penthouse, he finds the miserable Susan trying to kill herself. But he grabs her as J. J. walks in and accuses Falco of trying to assault her and beats him to a pulp. When Susan learns that her brother ordered Falco to destroy Dallas, she tells him “I’d rather be dead than living with you. For all the things you’ve done, J.J., I know I should hate you. But I don’t. I pity you.” And she walks out to rejoin her jazz guitarist boyfriend, renouncing ties to her brother altogether.

4. Steve Lake

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From: Bunny Lake Is Missing
The Problem: I’d hate to spoil this movie, but I can’t see any way in order to understand why Steve Lake is on this list. Now this movie initially plays like a conventional child abduction story with American single mom Ann Lake utterly frantic over her daughter Bunny disappearing on her first day at school. So after searching through the kindergarten in vain, Ann and Steve decide to call the police. Now when Superintendent Newhouse reaches the Lakes’ house, all of Bunny’s possessions are also missing and he begins to suspect Bunny Lake doesn’t exist, partly because Bunny was the name of Ann’s imaginary friend. Desperate to prove Bunny’s existence, Ann discovers a claim tag on one of her daughter’s dolls she took to the doll shop for repairs. But though she gets the doll, Steve bursts in attempting to burn it, knocks her out, and tells the nurse that his sister is raving like a lunatic about an imaginary girl who disappeared. When she escapes to their house knowing that her brother’s the kidnapper, Ann finds Steve burying Bunny’s things and planning to kill her. As to why Steve did it, he simply said that Bunny has always been between them and now they can’t be together because Ann loves Bunny more than she loves him. Well, ya think? But there may be hints that Steve may love his sister in a rather unhealthy way. Still, it’s clear that Steve is utterly crazy if he has to be jealous of his sister’s daughter. He shouldn’t expect Ann love Bunny more than him since putting one’s kids first is normal for any parent. Now it’s one thing for a brother to kidnap his sister’s kid. But, also trying to convince the world her kid doesn’t exist and that your sister has gone off the deep end will certainly make you the brother from hell.

5. Prince Edward “David” of Wales (later King Edward VIII)

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From: The King’s Speech
The Problem: Now we all know the story about how King Edward VIII gave up the throne out of love for the twice divorced American divorcee he loved, which caused a constitutional crisis in the UK. Sure you may think it’s the greatest love story of all time. However, while this movie might not be the most historically accurate, it puts the romantic notions of Edward’s abdication to rest once and for all as well as portrayed him as the selfish and absolute jerk he was. Seriously, the guy wasn’t keen on having his kingly duties get in the way with jetsetting around the world to party. Of course, it’s very apparent that Edward isn’t cut out to be a constitutional monarch that even his old man would prefer his stuttering little brother Bertie to him (and so would the British public). And did I tell you that he and Wallis are Nazi sympathizers? Of course, all of this brings little comfort to Bertie who’s not at all confident about his speaking abilities. It doesn’t help that Edward basically belittles him of his speech impediment just when Bertie tells him that he should take his leadership duties seriously. He also accuses his brother of trying to take his place as king even though Bertie really doesn’t want to be king. But you kind of wish that Bertie could just do it because Edward is such a selfish asshole. Of course, while Edward was right to give up the throne for his brother, it seems that Bertie got the raw end of the deal. And despite being a capable king, it doesn’t help that the stress of ruling Great Britain was said to take a massive toll on his health that he died of coronary thrombosis in 1952 at 56. Edward, on the other hand enjoyed a photo op with Adolf Hitler, a wartime governorship of the Bahamas, continued enjoying his jettsetting party lifestyle with him and Wallis as the Duke and Duchess of Windsor, and died in Paris in 1972.

6. Antonio “Tony” Camonte/Tony Montana

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From: Scarface (either version)
The Problem: Gangster movies might glamorize crime and violence. But they’re correct to tell moviegoers that you wouldn’t want to be related to one. Now there are two movies named Scarface with one being made in the 1930s that was inspired by the rise of Al Capone during Prohibition and the other about a Cuban drug kingpin in Miami during the 1970s but released in 1983. But in some essence, the story is the same. Violent guy named Tony rises to through the ranks of organized crime basically facing attention of law enforcement and law enforcement, having their lives reduced to emptiness, as well as eventually have their empires come crashing down as they get killed. Camonte loves violence and delights in his Tommy Gun without showing remorse while Montana gets addicted to cocaine and is a controlling misogynist. Of course, both Tonys are impulsive in their own way with terrible tempers and an unhealthy obsession with their sisters. By that I mean violently protective that sometimes conduct can descend into outright abuse. And when the sister runs off with the best friend to get married, the Tonys gun down the best friend assuming the guy was abusing her (he wasn’t). Their criminal activities also lead to their sisters getting killed as well.

7. Scar

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From: The Lion King
The Problem: As far as Disney villains go, Scar is among the most evil and basically fits the textbook definition of a sociopath. Yes, he’s resentful and jealous of his king of the Pridelands brother Mufasa who always gets the glory and the power he craves. But at least he’ll be next after his brother dies. That is, until Simba is born, which gets him demoted on in the line of succession which he is not happy about. Still, Scar is good at hiding his resentment toward his brother and nephew by pretending to be the loyal brother and uncle while privately planning to kill them with zero qualms. Now Scar is a ruthless chronic backstabber, consummate liar, and a master at manipulating everyone to get what he wants. First, he tricks Simba and Nala to venture into the elephant graveyard betting they are killed by hyenas. But Mufasa interferes and saves them. Yet, he also successfully dupes the hyenas into his selfish scheme, convincing them he’d make everything better for them. They fall for it. After that, he then coaxes his nephew into a gorge and triggers a wildebeest stampede where Simba is almost trampled to death if it weren’t for Mufasa returning his son to safety. But Scar throws his brother off a cliff to get trampled in the stampede at his moment of desperation, all in front of Simba’s eyes (while traumatizing an entire generation of children in the 1990s. Trust me, I watched this movie in theaters when I was 4 years old. Guess this scene gave my parents second thoughts about having me see this). Adding insult to injury, Scar tells Simba that Mufasa’s death was his fault and that he should run away and never return, before having the hyenas unsuccessfully go after him. Yet, this leaves Simba with a major guilt complex while he grows up. Once Scar is actually king of the Pridelands, he lets the hyenas run rampant making the place go to hell, turning the lush savannah into a deserted wasteland within a few years in which lion and hyena both starve. And Scar proves to be a terrible ruler because he’s a selfish, tyrannical, and lazy hedonist with virtually everybody hating his guts. Once Simba returns, Scar sets him off by smacking Sarabi when she compares him to Mufasa. And when Scar and Simba get into a fight, he pleads for mercy and confesses to killing his brother only to recant it by blaming his villainous actions on the hyenas (who are listening nearby). Luckily Simba throws him off Pride Rock and the hyenas eat him alive.

8. Charlie Babbit

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From: Rain Man
The Problem: Now taking care of a special needs sibling is difficult enough, let alone if you haven’t seen him or her since you were a little kid before being institutionalized. Now Raymond Babbit is profoundly autistic savant but he has super recall and math skills (and as far as we know, there’s no cure for autism). Charlie on the other hand, has a severe case of rich boy entitlement syndrome, which is totally curable. So when Charlie learns that his estranged dad has left the bulk of his $3 million estate is going to the older brother her barely remembers, he seeks Raymond out. However, once he meets his brother, he takes his brother to a hotel, he asks Raymond’s doctor for half the estate in exchange for Raymond’s return, but he refuses. He then decides to gain custody of his brother to get control of the money he thinks is rightfully his. So he basically kidnaps Raymond away to Los Angeles to meet with his lawyers. And when he hears about the Lamborghinis being seized by a creditor resulting in $80,000 in debt, well it’s a brotherly road trip to Vegas. But this time, it’s for Raymond to put his super memory and math skills to good use with counting cards before being chased out of the casino by security. Yeah, Charlie is a douche whose only motivation in bonding with Raymond is his bank account to support his luxurious lifestyle. Still, if I were him, I’d just go with the convertible and prize winning rose bushes and leave.

9. Jesse and Lewton McCanles

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From: Duel in the Sun
The Problem: When it comes to dynastic clashes on Texas cattle ranches, these boys make the Ewing brothers seem normal. And when Pearl Chavez winds up on Spanish Bit, Jesse and Lewton’s relationship becomes even more antagonistic. Now if you’ve read my post on bad movie husband/boyfriends, Lewt is a violent psycho who rapes Pearl, refuses to marry her, yet goes completely apeshit if she dates anyone else. I mean he killed a guy who was going to marry her. He also derails a train and shoots his Jesse unarmed. It’s not surprising he’s the worse of the two and it’s no wonder that his family hates him. Seriously, trying to discipline Lewt is like trying to domesticate a crocodile. However, while we’re supposed to see the gentlemanly Jesse as the good brother, he’s just as much of a selfish jerk who’d sell out his family’s best interests in a heartbeat. Sure he gets ostracized for siding with the railroad men while his dad decided on an armed confrontation, but still. Now Jesse is a lawyer with political ambitions and family image is everything. So you can’t really tell whether he’s being a nice guy or doesn’t want his family put him at a disadvantage during the next election. And though he may have feelings for Pearl, he doesn’t see her as an appropriate political wife so he gets himself engaged to an upper class white girl. But if Jesse wasn’t so keen on winning office and ran off and married Pearl instead, then a lot of the bad stuff in this movie could’ve been avoided, especially Lewton and Pearl’s mutual kill.

10. Cal and Aron Trask

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From: East of Eden
The Problem: Of course, the fact these two don’t get along is certainly no surprise to me because they were raised by a shitty dad. Seriously, Adam Trask’s upbringing really messed these boys up. Now Cal is supposed to be the bad brother while Aron is seen as the good brother. However, it’s not really the case. Sure Cal is a juvenile delinquent who basically steals his brother’s girlfriend and drive him insane when he introduces Aron their mother. Not to mention, it also compels Aron to go on a bender and hop on a train to the Western front, smashing a window. But Aron is also intensely possessive of Abra and whenever she tries to do something nice with or for Cal, he just goes ballistic. Also, when Cal tries to help him in a fight, Aron thinks it’s just to impress Abra. And when Cal tries to give the money he worked so hard to earn back after his dad’s veggie disaster, Aron suddenly announces his and Abra’s engagement even though he didn’t propose at all. Yeah, Adam Trask certainly did a great job with his favoritism on Aron and abuse on Cal being basically the main reasons why they hate each other.

11. Jonathan Brewster

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From: Arsenic and Old Lace
The Problem: Contrary to what you might’ve seen on Dexter, serial killers don’t make great siblings. And while Jonathan only killed about 13 people which may be more of a byproduct of his life of crime, chances are you’d rather have dinner with his sweet elderly aunts even if they are homicidal maniacs. Seriously, the Brewsters are the kind of family in which everyone save oldest brother Mortimer is crazy, homicidal, or both. Jonathan is the guy you want to avoid since not only is he a serial killer but he’s also been pursued around by police that he’s had multiple plastic surgeries and killed his last victim for saying he looked like Boris Karloff. Not to mention, he’s a violent psychopath with no scruples who’d even torture his victims if he’s in the mood such as the Melbourne method. And it doesn’t help that he and his assistant stop by his aunts’ place where they drop off a corpse to the aunts’ dismay. Still, the guy basically thinks about killing his brothers on a whim and he gets really close to killing his older brother Mortimer by having his assistant bound and gag him to a chair. This among clueless and easily bored New York beat cops nearby. Now having a crazy family is one thing. But if you’re the guy in the crazy family with homicidal aunts who think you’ve gone off the deep end and try to kill your brother, well, you probably belong on this list.

12. Edmund Pevensie

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From: The Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe
The Problem: Of course, being a middle child and sent off to a stranger’s countryside home during WWII isn’t going to put you in the best situation. So Edmund wanting attention, glory, and sugary sweets isn’t very surprising, especially since he starts out the series at 10. Not to mention, out of the 4 Pevensie children, it’s pretty clear he gets the least attention from their parents. In the beginning, he’s already in a bad relationship with his siblings who basically bullies younger sister Lucy just because he can, even after they get out of the wardrobe. Still, when he first gets into Narnia after chasing Lucy around, he meets the White Witch who takes him in her white sleigh and treats him to Turkish delight, calling herself the “Queen of Narnia.” She also asks him to return and bring his siblings with him, offering a reward of him being a prince and perhaps a king. However, Edmund obviously has no idea what’s going on in Narnia as well as what the hell he’s getting himself into. What’s really going on is that the White Witch is just using him so she could kill them all to prevent the fulfillment of a Narnia prophecy. And that she has made him do her bidding by getting him hooked on the Narnian equivalent to crack. So when the Pevensie siblings are staying with the Beavers and talking about Aslan, Edmund sneaks out to the Witch’s castle. Of course, it’s only when he gets there does he realize he’s made a very big mistake, but that doesn’t stop the White Witch from trying to put him to death. Perhaps the only reason why Edmund’s siblings forgave him was because his familial betrayal had less to do with selfishness than his own stupidity and desire for attention. But it’s Edmund’s ignorance that nearly puts him and his siblings in mortal danger.

13. Paris

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From: Troy and other films.
The Problem: Well, a pretty straightforward one, really. Now suppose you’re the Trojan Crown Prince Hector with a loving wife and young son. All you want to do with your life is basically spend time with your family and help your dad rule Troy. But one day, your little brother Paris goes on a diplomatic mission to Sparta where he ends up running off with Queen Helen. Unfortunately she’s married to King Menelaus who’s certainly not at all happy. In fact, he’s so royally pissed off that he enlists help from his brother and the other Greek city states that have now declared war on Troy, which will go on for 10 years. Now you correctly think that what your little brother did wasn’t just selfish but also phenomenally stupid. Not to mention, even the Trojans think Paris is a philandering, cowardly jerk who’s responsible for this mess. But this is Ancient Greece, your sense of honor won’t let you to just give Helen back to Menelaus which would basically solve everything. As we all know, destiny and hubris pretty much make this conflict unavoidable. And the fact that you’re also Troy’s best warrior means that you’re going to spend a lot of time away from the family. Now does that make you want to kill your brother? Well, if it doesn’t just make note that you will be killed by Achilles, your body will be desecrated, your city will be burned, your newborn son will be thrown from the city walls, and your wife will become a sex slave to your slayer’s son. Oh, and your sister will be taken as Agamemnon’s sex slave and is killed by Clytemnestra. But don’t worry, Paris dies in this war, too.

14. King Claudius

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From: Hamlet
The Problem: It’s one thing to kill your brother for the throne of Denmark. But marry the guy’s widow soon after his death? Sure he may seem to love her and may help him get the throne but his nephew Hamlet is certainly not going to be happy about that when he gets home. And when he finds out from his ghost dad that Claudius killed his father, he’s going to be super pissed. But Uncle Claudius isn’t going to give up his kingdom too easily, especially after he gets pissed off over his nephew putting on a play about it. Luckily Hamlet missed an opportunity to kill him while he’s praying to God (for God’s sake, Hamlet, why don’t you just fucking kill your uncle already?). So this gives time for Claudius to send Rosencrantz and Guilderstern to kill him after he sends Hamlet out of town with a message to the king of England to kill him (luckily Hamlet has the two idiots murdered by giving them the message). And when Hamlet gets back home, he tries to have his nephew killed another time via swordfight with the now angry, grieving, and vengeful Laertes in which they kill each other. Fortunately Hamlet kills him before dying but not after his mother drinks poison. And as a result of his actions, the whole Danish royal family is dead. Yes, fratricide is a bitch.

15. Peeta Mellark’s Older Brothers
From: The Hunger Games Trilogy
The Problem: While I’m not sure whether you see them in the film, but they’re mentioned in the book. Now we’re all aware that every year in Panem, a teenage boy and girl are chosen at random (or supposed to be, but the selection system is rigged) during the Reaping as tributes for each of the 12 districts to participate an annual fight to the death on national television. At least one of Peeta’s brothers was eligible to compete in the first book. But while Katniss Everdeen volunteers as a tribute in her sister’s place, Peeta’s brothers do no such thing (in typical Panem sibling fashion). And it doesn’t help that he’s in love with Katniss who’s probably favored to win the Games anyway (as we know from Catching Fire) and if she didn’t decide that they’d commit suicide together, he probably wouldn’t last the first book. Those familiar with the trilogy know the rest, especially with what happens to him in Mockingjay.

16. Hindley Earnshaw

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From: Wuthering Heights
The Problem: In relation to Heathcliff, Hindley isn’t technically a brother but that’s as far as we’re concerned. However, they were raised together in the same house, so he counts. Now Hindley’s hatred for Heathcliff starts when his dad brings him to Wuthering Heights. Of course, considering his situation, since a new sibling does lead to less parental attention, this is understandable, especially for children of single parents. However, his father’s attention to Heathcliff makes this Mr. Little Entitlement here utterly jealous and resentful. So when Edgar dies, Hindley assumes the role of family patriarch and forces Heathcliff to work relentlessly as a family servant (or house slave, not that there’s any difference). Doesn’t help matters that Hindley later becomes an alcoholic and compulsive gambler as an adult. Now Heathcliff didn’t like Hindley to begin with nor is he necessarily nice either. But being forced to work for his foster brother really makes him despise the guy. Not only that, but Hindley’s treatment of Heathcliff is largely what shapes the latter into a cruel and bitter person. And when Heathcliff returns after a mysterious 3 year absence, he assumes ownership from under Hindley’s nose and basically has him drink himself to death. Sure Heathcliff was pretty cruel to the guy, but it’s not like Hindley didn’t deserve it. I mean treating someone like scum and a monster isn’t a good idea, especially if the victim displays signs of being a possible sociopath. So Hindley pretty much had it coming. Edgar Linton, on the other hand…..

17. Charles “Charlie” Oakley

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From: Shadow of a Doubt
The Problem: Now Charlie is more of an uncle but even so, you’d think his sister Emma would know better. I mean Charlie hasn’t seen her in years until all of a sudden, he just decides to pay her a visit (of course, we all know he’s being chased by cops at the moment). But unlike Jonathan Brewster, Charlie wouldn’t think of killing his older sister, mostly because he only targets rich widows that he equates with cows best left to the slaughterhouse. Yet, you can argue that while Emma is practically blind to who her brother really is, her ignorance basically keeps her out of harm’s way. But it kind of makes her naming her daughter after him very unsettling. Also helps Uncle Charlie that everyone in town adores him. On the other hand, you couldn’t say the same for Young Charlie who’s the only one in her family to sense that there’s something very wrong with him. He also gives her a wedding ring, which is among the most inappropriate gifts for someone in your family, save maybe in West Virginia. But after a run in with the cops looking for the “Merry Widow Killer” and a bit of research on the ring, she finds that the uncle she once idolized is actually a remorseless serial killer on the run. When Young Charlie tells him what she knows, he tries to kill her 3 times such as breaking the stair steps so she could fall and break her neck, locking her in a garage with the engine running so she’d suffocate from carbon monoxide poisoning, or trying to throw her off a train. He also tries to choke her, too. Now staying at your sister’s place from the cops is one thing. Manipulating her into thinking you’re a good person while trying to bump off her daughter will certainly make you a brother from hell.

18. Derek Vinyard

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From: American History X
The Problem: Danny Vinyard idolizes his brother Derek. And why should he? After all, Derek is a good student as well as has a talent for basketball. However, the guy is a racist Neo-Nazi skinhead who commits violent crimes against racial minorities in his neighborhood as well as recruits others to his cause. Not to mention, such hate also makes him hostile to family members as driving his mother’s Jewish boyfriend away and attacking his sister. Sure his dad was killed by black gangbangers but still, that gives you no reason to be a Neo-Nazi. And I’m sure Derek had been accustomed to racism all his life. But a lot of racists wouldn’t commit acts of violence in the name of white supremacy (or pure blood supremacy in the case with Draco Malfoy). Nevertheless, Derek’s influence on his little brother leads him on the same path. Sure Derek might’ve reformed during his prison sentence but his past as a Neo-Nazi will haunt him for the rest of his life. Derek probably didn’t mean to be a role model, but older siblings tend set examples for their younger counterparts whether they like it or not.

19. Edmund
From: King Lear
The Problem: Okay, I get it, growing up knowing you were the product of your dad’s fling certainly has to suck. So I can understand why Edmund might harbor resentment for his legitimately born older half-brother Edgar as well as for the rest of the world who cruelly judge him. Yet, since this play features two Shakespearean dads with parenting skills you might see in a Disney movie, let’s just say Edmund has a lot of free rein for dirty work. Now Edmund tricks the Earl of Gloucester into thinking Edgar is plotting to kill him (just to get their dad’s title). Since backstabbing and killing relatives was relatively common up to the Middle Ages, Gloucester is duped. This leads Edgar to go on the run disguised as a crazy homeless guy to evade capture and stay alive. Let’s just say that if Edgar hadn’t fallen in with King Lear and ran into his dad, he would’ve been dead. Of course, Edmund seduces Lear’s older daughters as well as manipulates everyone to increase his power, but that’s another story. Luckily for Edgar, he finds out about Edmund’s treachery and kills him. Considering that Edmund is a power hungry opportunist who framed him, you can’t really blame Edgar’s conduct here.

20. Charley Maloy

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From: On the Waterfront
The Problem: Now deciding whether to blow the whistle on illegal workplace activity isn’t one you’d want to make, especially if it pertains to organized crime and the guys planning to testify end up dead. But if your brother is the crime boss’s right hand man, well, it certainly puts you in a tight spot. Now Terry Maloy’s relationship with Charley hasn’t helped him at all over the years. For one, he was once a promising boxer who’s still bitter of how Charley instructed him to deliberately lose a fight so his boss Johnny Friendly could win money. This perfectly illustrates that Charley has basically put his own needs before his younger brother in the past that while he’s fairly well off, Terry is struggling as a longshoreman on the docks. Second, Terry’s connection to Charley leads Friendly to having him to coax fellow dockworker Joey Doyle into a death trap. Now Terry had no idea that Friendly’s guys were going to kill him, assuming they would try to get him out of talking. But he nevertheless feels genuine guilt over it and resents being used as a tool. Over the course of the film Terry falls under increased pressure to testify against the mob, whether it’s from Father Barry, Doyle’s attractive sister Edie, witnessing a co-worker getting crushed by a load of whiskey, or his own conscience. But his brother’s place in the mob makes him reluctant to do so. And soon Johnny Friendly tells Charley that he either try to keep Terry quiet or kill him. Their taxicab conversation basically sums their relationship up when Terry says, “You don’t understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let’s face it. It was you, Charley.” Sure Charley may redeem himself at the end, but it comes at a great cost.

21. Connor Rooney

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From: Road to Perdition
The Problem: Like Hindley, Connor isn’t a brother in relation to Michael Sullivan Sr. But he counts nonetheless because they were raised together. Now despite being played by the future James Bond, Connor is a real piece of work, even by Irish mob standards. Hell, as far as mobster brothers go, he makes Michael Corleone seem like a saint. Now while his dad John loves him as any son, Connor has always despised Michael and is deeply jealous of the relationship the latter had with the former’s mob boss dad. To him, Michael has always been an outsider whose membership in The Sons of John Rooney is an intrusion. Still, Rooney’s favoritism to Michael is understandable since Connor is a violent and unstable screw-up with an entitlement complex who steals from his old man. Michael by contrast, is like the son Rooney never had, is basically everything Connor isn’t as well as has a nice family. Now when Michael’s 12 year old son witnesses Connor snap out and kill associate Finn McGovern as well as his dad mowing down McGovern’s men, Connor tries to use this as an excuse to kill the Sullivan and his folks. This despite that Michael trying to swear his son into secrecy and the elder Rooney pressuring him to apologize for his reckless actions. So Connor just sends Sullivan to a speakeasy with a message to the owner that all debts to Rooney will be forgiven if you shoot him in the head. Fortunately, Michael finds out about the plot and kills the owner. But Connor also comes up to Sullivan’s house where he murders Michael’s wife and younger son in the bathroom (Michael Jr. had to stay after school for detention). When Michael and his older son see Annie and Peter’s dead bodies, they’re completely devastated but can’t stay for the funeral because they’re forced to go on the run for their lives. Connor meanwhile, hires a sadistic hitman with an amateur photography hobby named Maguire to gun them down. It also puts Michael in a battle to not only save Michael Jr.’s life but also his soul, hence the title. It doesn’t help that Rooney is willing to protect Connor over guilt of not being a better father to him. As long as Rooney’s alive, Connor is basically untouchable. And as long as Connor’s still kicking, Sullivan and Michael Jr. are in mortal danger. So those who’ve seen the film can figure out what happens from there.

22. Andy and Hank Hanson

BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU'RE DEAD
From: Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead
The Problem: Not to be confused with the 1990s boy band or the violent but loveable hockey trio from Slapshot, there’s absolutely nothing likeable about these guys. Now older brother Andy is a finance executive who’s just embezzled from his employer (to fund a heroin addiction) hoping to escape to Brazil where there’s no extradition (he’s wrong, of course). Younger brother Hank owes 3 months of child support as well as his daughter’s private school tuition. So to solve their financial woes, these guys decide to rob their parents’ jewelry store. Now while Andy is certainly the ruthless schemer who causes the deaths of 5 people, including his mother, Hank is banging Andy’s wife but other than that, he’s a pushover. Still, after the robbery, Hank is blackmailed by their assistant’s brother-in-law into giving compensation to his widow. To resolve it, Andy robs a heroin dealer he frequents but Hank is utterly shocked when his brother kills the guy and a client. He also kills the blackmailer after paying him off. Not to mention, Andy turns the gun on Hank just to let him know that he knows what’s going on between him and Gina and that he doesn’t like it. Luckily, their dad does a little detective work and gives Andy what he deserves.

23. Michael

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From: Brothers
The Problem: Suffering from PTSD is no day at the beach, especially if you’re a vet who’s spent time as a POW in Afghanistan as well as under conditions that violate the Geneva Convention. Now Michael has been through hell and just wants to come back to his family. So much that he bludgeons his cell mate to death, which gives him an incredible guilt complex on top of that. Seriously, he needs to see a therapist but as he’s unwilling to discuss his wartime experience, he becomes full of paranoia, rage, and suspicion. Now while Michael was away, his screw up and ex con younger brother Jannik has looked after his family as well as turned a new leaf. He and Sarah even develop feelings for each other but they rightly decide not to pursue a relationship. But when Michael comes back, does he thank his brother for doing a good job? No, he basically tears apart Jannik’s kitchen improvements as well as threaten and abuse his wife, possibly suspicious that she and Jannik had a fling. And Jannik is the one who tries to keep Michael from causing further harm to his wife and kids. He also points a gun at a cop. And it doesn’t help that Jannik was a punching bag for Michael and their dad since he was always getting in trouble.

24. Richard, Duke of Gloucester (later King Richard III)

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From: Richard III
The Problem: Now the real Richard III wasn’t nearly as bad as the one we’re used to which is based on Tudor propaganda more than anything. Seriously, the real Richard III became king through just saying that Edward IV kids were bastards because he was engaged to another woman as well as having his other brother George’s kids declared illegitimate as well. Besides, he was running the country anyway and what he did was perfectly legal (not to mention, Edward IV was such a horndog that anyone in England would believe him and that the Woodvilles weren’t well liked at all). Not to mention, other kings would do the same thing. Still, seizing the throne, marrying Lady Anne (whom he actually loved all his life, by the way unlike in Shakespeare and he didn’t bump off her first husband and dad. Also, they had a 10 year old son by his coronation), hating the Woodvilles, imprisoning his nephews in the Tower, and dying at Bosworth Field (though he actually died fighting in the thick of battle) are basically the only things Richard actually did. Also, he never lived past 32. Shakespeare’s Richard III is basically the brother from hell who has his brother George drowned in a massive vat of wine, drives oldest brother Edward IV to an early grave, and has his imprisoned nephews killed. Sure it’s tough being the hunchbacked younger brother with the withered arm. But still Little Richard proves to be a rather entertaining but very manipulative and heartless bastard backstabbing family members and friends whenever it’s convenient. Of course, he wants to be king but he also wants to ruin everyone else in the process whether they be family, friends, allies, spouses, or countrymen. Still, despite the monstrosity Richard may be, you can’t really hate him, especially if played by Sir Laurence Olivier. Man, what a magnificent bastard.

25. Duke Michael

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From: The Prisoner of Zenda
The Problem: Now it’s all right to be angry over passed over for your dad’s crown just because your mother wasn’t a princess while your stepmother was. And sure, it’s a pain in the ass to see your younger half-brother on the throne, especially if he tends to act like an overgrown frat boy who doesn’t take his duties seriously. Yes, King Rudolf should get his act together and take responsibility while spending less time boozing and shooting animals. However, it’s not okay to usurp the throne by drugging his wine on the night before his coronation, having your assistant kidnap him the next morning, and holding him at your castle dungeon under adverse conditions is not. Nor is wanting to execute him and marry his fiancée either. Fortunately, Rudolf has a distant English cousin who can fill in for him in the meantime. Still, Michael, maybe you should just give up your kingly dreams and settle down with your French girlfriend. I mean being king isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, anyway. Seriously, the Duke of Windsor gave up the throne to be in your position.

26. Simone Parondi

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From: Rocco and His Brothers
The Problem: Now out of all the Parondi brothers, second brother Simone is arguably the dysfunctional one who middle brother Rocco has to bail out. Of course, the younger Parondi boys had to move up north to Milan from their country life after their father’s death. But it’s Simone’s nefarious deeds that nearly drive the family apart and basically crush Rocco’s happiness since he’s way too nice for his own good. Now the ambitious Simone becomes a prizefighter and dates a prostitute named Nadia, she rejects him after he asked her for more than a casual relationship. When Rocco returns from a tour of duty in Turin, he meets Nadia and they enter into an exclusive relationship with her giving up her old lifestyle. Of course, since she’s had a history with his older brothers, a love like this would make Thanksgiving dinner very awkward. But Simone is incredibly possessive of Nadia as well as a selfish and raging alcoholic who’s turned to petty crime. Naturally when he sees Rocco and Nadia together, he decides to take revenge. So he gets a gang of friends, proceeds to attack the couple, and brutally rapes Nadia while forcing Rocco to watch. This leads Rocco to break up with her and tells Nadia to go back to Simone because he doesn’t want to see his brother angry or her getting killed. Sure Rocco wants to keep his family together and it’s all right he wants Simone to be happy. But what he really should’ve done is dump Nadia and tell her to get out of town. And Rocco is basically doomed as Simone’s enabler because he has no spine. When Simone stole a brooch and shirt at work, Rocco returns it. When he’s poor as henshit, he cajoles money from his brothers and robs his boss. And to repay Simone’s patron, Rocco signs a 10 year boxing contract, but he despises the sport. Yet, as Nadia returns to her own ways and rejects Simone again, he jealously stabs her to death and confesses to her murder after Rocco’s first victory. Fourth brother Ciro wisely calls the police on Simone and is ostracized by his family.

27. Taro and Jiro Ichimonji

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From: Ran
The Problem: If you think English royals had problems, then you have to see Japanese warlords. Now while he was young Hidetora was a powerful and feared warlord. But now he just wants to retire and divide the family business among his 3 sons. However, as the aging daimyo tries to show how being joint rulers strengthens a domain, youngest son Saburo tells him how dividing the family’s assets is a bad idea as well as that he should know better than to expect a peaceful and harmonious relationship among his kids since Hidetora gained power through ruthlessness and murdering his allies. But he’s banished along with anyone who defends him. Unfortunately, Saburo is right. And while he’s gone, Taro and Jiro basically feud over who’s going to be the next clan leader, driving their dad to Saburo’s castle prior to ransacking it to the point where Hidetora can’t even perform hari kiri just to restore his family honor. So Hidetora goes nuts. Not to mention, their forces stage a massacre as well. And it doesn’t help that these guys are being played by Taro’s wife Lady Kaede who’s a Lady Macbeth in her own right wanting revenge against the father-in-law who knocked off her family. She’s also shagging Jiro as well. And Jiro also kills Saburo for coming back and helping their dad. But as the result, the Ichimonji clan is destroyed by the end because these two didn’t want to share.

28. Tommy Miller

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From: The Butterfly Effect
The Problem: For one, he’s incredibly creepy even when he gets older. Secondly, he’s a total sociopath. Third, he’s extremely possessive of his sister Kayleigh and may feel more than brotherly affection for her. So when she starts dating Evan Treborn, Tommy either sets his dog on fire or tries to kill him putting Evan in prison for offing him in self-defense. And when he’s not a sociopath, then he’s a sweet, gentle born again Christian, but he’s still creepy. Oh, and did I tell you, he can beat up a guy twice his size?

29. Michael Myers

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From: The Halloween Franchise
The Problem: Michael was certainly trouble from the beginning since he’s a soulless killing machine. Unfortunately, his parents didn’t get the memo until after he stabbed his older sister with a kitchen knife for no explanation. Thus, he’s put in a mental institution from which he later escapes. However, somehow he finds out that his parents had another daughter who was giving up for adoption now known by the name of Laurie Strode (but this isn’t revealed until the second movie). Somehow Myers tracks her down and starts stalking her at school and when she’s babysitting on Halloween night. There he proceeds to kill her friends before attacking her but luckily his psychiatrist steps in. Yet, as we know in horror movies, we know that horror movie villains are only kept alive just to have room for a sequel. Oh, and after Laurie dies, Michael just goes after her daughter. Now trying to track a long lost biological sibling is understandable, but trying to kill her, well, that’s a bit much.

30. Dimitri and Ivan Karamazov as well as Pavel Smerdyakov

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From: The Brothers Karamazov
The Problem: To be fair, the Karamazov brothers all had a terrible childhood and a father who was a piece of shit ranging from absentee at best to downright abusive at worst. It’s a miracle that Alexei is the only good one of the bunch thanks to Father Zosima. The rest turn out just like you’d expect. Oldest brother Dimitri is a volatile party animal who’s only willing to contact his old man because he needs money and feels entitled to his inheritance. He also comes to violence and lethal threats to the elder Fyodor over a prostitute named Grushenka. Second brother Ivan is a nihilistic atheist who hates his dad and doesn’t show much affection for his brothers at first. He also has a thing for Dimitri’s fiancée Katrina Ivanova (though to be fair Dimitri doesn’t care much for her anyway despite what she thinks). However, Ivan’s influence turns destructive, especially when he states that in a world without God, “everything is permitted” (even though he doesn’t really believe this but his intellectual arrogance makes him blind to such unfortunate implications until after things go from bad to worse). And then there’s the epileptic Smerdyakov, who works as a servant and is almost certainly Fyodor’s illegitimate son. However, he’s misanthropic and antisocial as well as much smarter than he looks. Not to mention, he tortured stray cats as a child which suggest that he has the makings of a future serial killer. However, when Fyodor is killed, suspicion falls immediately to Dimitri for obvious reasons that even when he’s trying to explain what he did during the murder, police see his testimony as mounting evidence (even though Dimitri clearly didn’t do it). Thus, Dimitri is apprehended. But when Ivan goes nuts after hearing the truth about Fyodor’s murder from Smerdaykov which would’ve exonerated the oldest brother, the latter kills himself leaving Ivan unable to effectively help Dimitri during his trial. And the jury is more likely to believe Katarina who’s basically framing him out of spite, resulting in him being sent to Siberia. Nevertheless, could you really blame Alexei for wanting to live in a monastery?

Bad Movie Fathers

I haven’t written a post for a while with the holidays, work, and the fact Christmas being over gives me a bit of a writer’s block on what posts to write next. Of course, part of the reason why I did a few posts on mythology last January is because I couldn’t think of anything else. And I really can’t think up much for New Years either. Still, growing up we’ve all had to put up with parents as well as their constant demands on us such as clean our rooms. And yes, they do embarrass us a lot as well. Now as far as fathers go, Hollywood has a wide range of them from complete and incompetent idiots to patriarchs that embody the moral virtues of society. However, this post doesn’t really focus on the great dads like Atticus Finch, Mufasa, Gru, or George Bailey nor the silly dads like Clark Griswold or Homer Simpson. Nor does it pertain to a lot of absentee fathers since they’re not around a lot and/or may not know they have kids. After all, that’s still possible. Nevertheless, for those who’ve grown up with a father who’s spend your childhood embarrassing you over the holidays or makes you do certain things like go on hunting and fishing trips, remember that at least you haven’t had to deal with these movie dads I list here. And let’s just say, I’ve also included stepfathers as well since they basically have to live with the kiddies, too. So without further adieu, here are some of the worst movie dads you can be glad aren’t yours.

1. Captain Vidal

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From: Pan’s Labyrinth
The Problem: If there’s any guy I’d nominate for the “Worst Dad Ever,” it would be him. Sure he’s only a stepfather, but I’m sure nobody in their right mind would want to have kids with him. Let’s just say that the best things about him are that he has a job he’s good at, is very personable and charismatic, is handsome, wants kids, and isn’t a pedophile. Yet, the list just ends there. Now Captain Vidal is probably one of the vilest characters I’ve ever seen on film. Vidal is a Fascist Captain in Spain who basically married to Ofelia’s mother, Carmen, just so she could provide him a son he wants so badly. And once the kid’s born, he’s basically the only person he basically cares about, well, in terms of survival, that is (after all, he has a legacy to preserve). From the moment we see Vidal, he comes off as an unpleasant man yet you might think he may have a softer side somewhere. Of course, he’s not too keen with Ofelia going on her fairy tale quests yet neither is her mother (then again, she might be afraid of him, too). Yet, this man shows his nastiness when a father and son poacher team is brought to him in the dead of night. Suspecting them rebels of the Franco regime, instead of searching their stuff (which would be sensible), Vidal just beats the son with a bottle and shoots them both in a mixture of boredom and pleasure. And while they’re found innocent later, Vidal just tells his men to be more careful next time. He also tortures a rebel with a horrible stutter later on, after cheerfully showing him his torture instruments and offering to let him go if he could count to three. He fails. Meanwhile it’s very clear that his wife is going through a particularly difficult pregnancy yet he shows no possible concern over her possible death in childbirth. Not only that, but when his wife’s doctor puts the stuttering torture victim out of his misery, Vidal shoots him in cold blood. This is the main reason why Carmen dies in childbirth. Oh, and when Ofelia tries to rescue her baby brother, Vidal basically shoots her dead. And for all his actions, he shows absolutely no remorse whatsoever. Forget the fantastical monsters, the scariest thing in this movie you’ll remember is this guy.
2. Rev. Harry Powell

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From: The Night of the Hunter
The Problem: Runner-up in the nominations for “Most Evil Stepfather Award” is perhaps Robert Mitchum’s best known character (well, one of them) in one of the scariest suspense-horror thrillers in history. Sure Powell may be a man of God, but let’s not kid ourselves, deep down he’s as evil incarnate as the Devil himself. Like Vidal, he’s quite handsome and charming (as well as a great singing voice). Still, while Vidal marries a woman to give him a son, he marries women for their money so he could get his hands on the cash when he kills them (he tells God this in the beginning, by the way. Also, hates women and thinks he’s doing God’s work). Of course, when he gets out of prison (after a conversation with a bank robber about to be executed on double homicide charges), Powell wastes no time wooing the guy’s widow Willa Harper just because he thinks her children know where the stolen money was hidden (he’s right). Yet, while he could charm almost everyone in town, it’s apparent that John sees right through him and doesn’t trust Powell at all. Sure John may put his real dad on the pedestal who basically fucked up his childhood and made him distrust cops, but compared to Powell, Ben Harper is basically a saint (and being a bank robber who killed two people, that’s saying a lot). However, Willa marries Powell anyway who not only won’t have sex with her and basically brainwashes her, which really makes life hell for her and her two children. When Willa overhears her husband asking the children for the money, he slits her throat, puts her in a car, and dumps her in the river. Then, to get the kids to tell him where the money is, he threatens to cut off John’s fingers, one by one, in front of the very young Pearl. And when he discovers the money in Pearl’s doll (this by threatening their lives), well, John basically grabs Pearl and makes a run for it up the river. Yet, Powell just ruthlessly pursues them with these children basically lucking out when they reach for Rachel Cooper’s place. Let’s just say that Robert Mitchum singing, “Leaning on the Everlasting Light” is guaranteed to send chills up your spine. Beware of preachers with the knuckle tattoos of “LOVE” and “HATE” on their hands.
3. Noah Cross

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From: Chinatown
The Problem: Finally, our first biological father on the list and played by none other than John Huston, one of the most legendary Hollywood film directors, father of Angelica and Danny, son of Walter, and grandfather of Jack who played Richard Harrow from Boardwalk Empire. I mean this guy has a lot of movies to his name as well as Hollywood relations. Still, in Huston’s final performance, he perhaps plays one of the vilest men onscreen as none other than charming tycoon, Noah Cross who only cares about accumulating as much money and power as possible. So to get support for his new reservoir project, he basically dumps thousands of gallons of water during an LA drought that basically dries up the San Fernando Valley. He also poison their wells and blows up water tanks to ruin the landowners’ property values so they could sell it to them cheap. Yet, when his son-in-law and Water Commissioner Hollis Mulrway refuses to go along with the plan since he thinks the valley is geologically unstable and doesn’t want to get 500 people killed (like what happened in the dam project), Noah still presses him. And when Hollis discovers his father-in-law’s crimes and conspiracy, Noah has him drowned in a tide pool. Now this alone could just put Noah on the list since it’s very clear that his daughter Evelyn and Hollis had rather happy marriage (well, he was a saint compared to her old man anyway. Then again, you can say that about anybody). However, the most disgusting thing Noah Cross committed was raping Evelyn when she was 15 years old, which traumatized her for life as well as resulted in another daughter, Katherine. Now his secondary goal in the film is taking possession of his “granddaughter” and subjecting her to the same abuse (and ultimately succeeds). Yet, despite all this, Cross says he doesn’t blame himself for his actions mostly out his beliefs that men are capable of anything under the right circumstances, ignorant that this is only true for men like him.
4. Darth Vader (a. k. a. Anakin Skywalker)

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From: The Star Wars Saga
The Problem: One of the most famous examples on this list. Darth Vader’s dark days of fatherhood begin long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, when he turns to the dark side and indirectly causes Padme Amidala’s childbirth death from a broken heart as well as their twins being separated from birth in the care of relatives and given up for adoption, which creates a really awkward situation later on (yes, Luke kissed his sister). Years later, he captures a rebel base with his daughter Princess Leia on it, blows up her planet and everything with it before her very eyes, and has her scheduled for execution. Luckily, his Imperial Stormtroopers didn’t find the droids they’re looking for though his son’s aunt and uncle are killed in the hunt. Later on, Vader has Leia captured again at the Cloud City planet as well as has her boyfriend frozen in carbonite and given to a bounty hunter for Jabba the Hutt. Oh, and he cuts off his son’s hand in a climatic lightsaber fight before revealing those earth shattering words, “No, Luke, I am your father” which makes Luke understandably horrified. Also, asks him to join in the family business or die. Sure he brings balance to the Force and overthrows Emperor Sidious just to save Luke’s life but still, his parenting seems to fit squarely on the Dark Side.
5. Daniel Hillard (a.k.a. Mrs. Doubtfire)

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From: Mrs. Doubtfire
The Problem: Now I totally understand why any divorced dad would wish to spend more time with his kids, especially if he’s the non-custodial parent. However, applying to be their nanny while impersonating an elderly Scottish woman isn’t a good idea, even if he’s a great cook and keeps the place spotless. Seriously, the scene of seeing Mrs. Doubtfire in the bathroom was particularly disturbing. He also tries to destroy his ex-wife’s relationship with an old flame she just reconnected with. Though the movie paints him as a somewhat competent father, he could also seem like a creepily obsessed stalker. And in many ways, that kind of makes a seemingly light family comedy appear secretly terrifying.
6. Dad Meiks

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From: Frailty
The Problem: As far as religious nuts go, while you may debate about Rev. Powell’s possible devotion to the Almighty as sincere or not, Dad Meiks basically has a religious experience which drives him to go on a killing spree with his sons and plunging his family into turmoil. While one son totally buys into his dad’s bullshit, the other is torn between his dad and thinking the guy is nuts as well as thinks his dad and brother are killing innocent people. So when your dad comes to you one morning and tells you and your brother that they’re soldiers in a heavenly war and charged with destroying demons on earth, you might want to get him institutionalized, if not jailed. Also imprisons his son in a hole.
7. Victor Frankenstein

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From: Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein
The Problem: So you managed to create life from a collection of dead body parts, which means you’ll certainly be seen as a great scientific genius for generations. The bad news is that moments after observing the giant flailing, patchwork son, stronger and larger than most human beings, Frankenstein decides he’s a monster and abandons him by high tailing to his family estate. Sure Victor might’ve been a bit too unprepared for parenthood but still, experiment or not, the Creature is his kid who needs love and acceptance by the man who created him, which he doesn’t get. Also, has no idea of how to take responsibility of his Creation either, which also leads to unfortunate implications. Of course, this leads the Creature to become a twisted victim of circumstance as well as do horrible things and in lose everyone Victor ever loved (like his brother, fiancée, parents, best friend, etc.). It doesn’t help that everyone in town is understandably afraid the Creature, which really would’ve been averted if Victor just gave him a little love and affection he desperately wanted. Instead he vows to track him down and take revenge (as well as destroys the body of the Creature’s potential love interest). Maybe we shouldn’t label his Creation Frankenstein’s Monster, shall we?
8. Colonel Frank Fitts USMC

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From: American Beauty
The Problem: As played by Chris Cooper, this man is perhaps one of the most twisted fathers in movie history. Not only is he a self-hating homophobe, right-wing military type, and collector of Nazi memorabilia, he’s also incredibly verbally and physically abusive to his son Ricky. Whenever he’s not making homophobic comments like, “I’d rather you were dead, than be a fucking faggot!,” he’s beating the living shit out of him so he could raise him in his own image, has him committed to an institution for a couple years, and has him take drug tests regularly. Of course, you can easily see why poor Ricky has turned into such a creep who deals pot and stalks his neighbor Jane Burnham. And Frank tends to have a crush on Jane’s dad whom he shoots in the garage after Leslie rejects his advances.
9. Dwight Hansen

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From: This Boy’s Life
The Problem: Another stepfather on the list and played by Academy Award winner Robert DeNiro. However, out of the bad dads here, he’s the real life expy dad for once and boy, is he a force to be reckoned with. At first he seems respectable at least in the eyes of the eccentric Caroline Wolff who thinks she’s had it made with him since she always wants to settle down and find a decent man as well as provide a better home for herself and son Toby (Leonard DiCaprio). And it does seem that Dwight has an interest in raising Toby as his kid since he has children of his own. Unfortunately, he has a need to dominate everyone in his life, even if it’s through physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. Unsurprisingly, Dwight’s marriage to Caroline leads to several years of family dysfunction, which doesn’t go well for Toby. No wonder he wants to get out of Concrete. Still, the fact that some of Robert DeNiro played gangsters much more loveable than this guy really speaks volumes about him especially when he says, “Yeah, you pull that hot shot stuff around me, and I’ll break every bone in your goddamn body. You understand me? Yeah, you’re in for a change, mister, a whole ‘nother ball game.”
10. Humbert Humbert
From: Lolita
The Problem: For those not familiar with this famous work of literature, Humbert Humbert is a professor who moves into a house as a boarder to a Charlotte Haze, charms her with his eruditeness, and marries her. Of course, if you aren’t familiar with the story itself or pop culture, Humbert Humbert is a pedophile who has an obsession with pre-teen girls he refers to as nymphets. And the girl that has caught his eye here is Charlotte’s daughter Dolores or “Lolita” as we’re more familiar with. Now as long as Charlotte is in the picture, there’s not much H. H. can do other than detail his obsession with Lolita in his diary which his sex starved wife discovers and is understandably horrified. Yet, when Charlotte dies in a traffic accident, H. H. basically kidnaps and molests her which results in her childhood being utterly destroyed and her story never being heard. Also has a habit of hitting Lolita when she fails to please him sexually or otherwise. And the worst part is, he’s not the only one abusing her either.
11. Lucas Cross
From: Peyton Place
The Problem: Basically, this is a man who works as a school janitor and stepdad who should never be around children, or at least teenage girls. For one, he’s an alcoholic. Second and more importantly, it’s very apparent that his step children hate him and for good reason. The older brother basically skips town just to avoid him and Selena can’t stand being alone with him for fear that he’s making advances to her. And that one night she returns from the graduation dance with her boyfriend, Lucas rapes her. Now impregnated, Selena understandably seeks an abortion (which is illegal) but once Dr. Swain sees Lucas chasing her in revenge, he relents but has him sign a statement and instructs him to skip town. Not to mention, this also drives Lucas’ wife to hang herself in the Mackenzies’ closet. Nevertheless, Lucas returns to Peyton Place and tries to rape Selena again but she kills him and is subsequently arrested for his murder. If it weren’t for Dr. Swain coming to Selena’s defense (as well as giving her an abortion, though I doubt that a fall would’ve caused her to miscarry), Lucas would’ve succeeded in ruining his stepdaughter’s life.
12. Bill Maplewood

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From: Happiness
The Problem: Now this guy may seem like a perfectly normal and well-adjusted guy you’d be totally fine with coaching your son’s baseball team. He’s just a man in suburbia with a loving wife and a devoted son so totally okay? We see him masturbating to images of young boys in magazines similar to Tiger Beat and convincing his son to invite his friend over for a sleepover. He then proceeds to drug the boys’ snacks and has sex with his son’s friend. Also, fantasizes shooting and killing people as well. What’s even worse is this guy is very much content with being who he is and is willing to describe all the crimes he committed to his son in graphic detail. Maybe this guy should be on a sex offenders list, instead of coaching Little League. Yeah, guaranteed to give you the creeps.
13. Ed Wilson
From: Natural Born Killers
The Problem: If there’s any Rodney Dangerfield character in which he deserves no respect, then Ed Wilson is it. Sure a father might find it difficult letting his little girl go but his is taking it beyond the pale as well as complete scumbag who beats up his wife and sexually abuses his own daughter, Mallory when she’s clean and once the liquor haze has worn off and he’s looking for lovin.’ With a man so repugnant and so utterly lacking in the basic courtesies that you wonder how he’s managed to live so long without being stabbed, you can understand why Mallory hooked up with confirmed serial killer and decided to accompany him on a killing spree. Let’s just say, no tears were shed by audiences when mass-murderer Mickey Knox drown him in the family fish tank. Of course, that action makes Mickey seem like a hero. Of course, while his fate was very much deserved, the others weren’t.
14. Jerry Blake

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From: The Stepfather
The Problem: Basically this guy is a bluebeard serial killer as well as a disciple of the Rev. Harry Powell’s Guide to Love and Murder. Yet unlike the legendary Robert Mitchum villain, he’s obsessed with being a part of the perfect family, to such an extent that if his current family doesn’t live up to his expectations (or finds out), he kills them, absorbs their assets, and moves on to another. It’s no wonder that rich single moms tend to be a prime target for him. Still, avoid the man who thinks the knife is the best solution for any family problems. Still, a rather cheerful individual until he gets angry, then it’s just “Mack the Knife” from there (and I don’t mean the song Bobby Darin sang).
15. Royal Tenenbaum

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From: The Royal Tenenbaums
The Problem: Royal Tenenbaum may have great genes to produce a brood of geniuses but he’s still a failure as a father. He singles one son out as an obvious favorite, introduces his adopted daughter as his “adopted daughter,” as well as steals from, intentionally shoots, and gets sued by his other son. Not to mention, pushing his kids to greatness but he’s still disappointed in them. And to top it all off, he fakes having stomach cancer just so he could gain his kids’ sympathy and access to the family home. Oh, and he also tries to win back his ex-wife despite the fact that she’s with another man. Sure he may be redeemed by the end but his kids are still screwed up and it’s pretty much his fault.
16. Dan Gallagher

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From: Fatal Attraction
The Problem: When it comes to adultery, it takes two to tango. Yet, when Dan cheats on his wife with Alex Forrest and casts her aside, he risks putting his family in extreme danger since Alex doesn’t take rejection too well, to put it mildly. Now if Dan had just kept it in his pants while his wife and daughter were away, there would be no crazy ex-mistress stalking him, boiling his daughter’s bunny, kidnapping his daughter from her school, and trying to kill his wife. Remember guys, this is why adultery is bad.
17. Peter McAllister
From: Home Alone 1 and 2
The Problem: Sure both the McAllisters aren’t great parents when it comes to their son Kevin. Of course, they both often ignore him enough that they leave him home alone during the Christmas holidays. But when Kevin’s abandoned during Christmas, it’s usually Kate who does everything humanly possible to get to him, even if it’s traveling on the road with John Candy and his band. Peter, on the other hand, seems keener to watch It’s a Wonderful Life than search for his son as well as seems so nonchalant about the whole ordeal. Okay, so he has a lot of kids to keep an eye on. But some of them are teenagers and plus, his uncle and aunt live under the same roof as well. So it’s not like he’s desperate for a babysitter here.
18. Lester Burnham

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From: American Beauty
The Problem: Of course, Frank Fitts isn’t the only bad father from American Beauty. The other is of course, Leslie Burnham himself, a role which earned Kevin Spacey a second Oscar. Sure he’s a selfish hedonist who feels trapped in his dull suburban life and unhappy marriage with his real estate agent wife Carolyn. Yet, even so, he should at least have some decency to at least be a bit ashamed with his crush on his daughter Jane’s friend Angela. But, no, he just starts out a workout regimen in an attempt to seduce her. This understandably creates a rift between him and Jane as well as leads to her take someone up on an offer to kill him as he begins to withdraw from her. Too bad he can’t patch things up with her by the end though (for obvious reasons). At least Ricky’s pot may slow him down a bit.
19. Denethor

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From: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
The Problem: Even the ruling families on Middle Earth can have their problems and the Steward of Gondor’s is no exception. However, you have to feel bad for Faramir here. For one, by the time we meet them both, Denethor is already grieving from losing his favorite son and heir Boromir, basically making Faramir live in his older brother’s shadow. And if that weren’t enough he sends his son and some of the best fighters of Gondor into a battle he’d surely not just lose, but possibly perish. Yet, when Faramir returns barely alive, Denethor assumes he’s dead (despite Pippin’s repeated insistence that he’s not) as well as proceeds to put him on a stack of firewood, douse with oil, and burn him alive. Thanks to Pippin being there, at least Faramir was saved and able to seek the medical treatment he needed to fully recover and marry Eowyn (also from a dysfunctional royal family, at first). Yet, I’m sure having your dad burn you alive will put you in a lifetime of therapy or whatever equivalent they have on Middle Earth.
20. Glen Whitehouse
From: Affliction
The Problem: This role gave James Coburn an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. Now with the baby boomers aging and people living longer than ever before, it’s very likely you’ll have to take care of an aging parent, especially if you’re a woman or live nearby (my dad took care of my Grandma C when I was little and my parents are running errands for my mother’s folks who live down the road from me). However, if your aging father was an abusive alcoholic, let’s say attempting a reconciliation with him will be very difficult to say the least. Yet, this is what Glenn’s son Wade tries to do. However, it was his relationship with Glenn that has infiltrated every relationship he’s ever had and acts as the lens from which he views and judges the world. Because of his dad, Wade respects some people as a pupil would to a master or he hates them and violently lashes out at them for disappointing him in holding his preconceived “high assessments” of him. Not to mention, Wade is very unstable, has a drinking problem, inability to control his anger, and a morally low view on himself. Let’s just say that Glenn’s bad parenting has really influenced how much of a bastard Wade turned out, to put it mildly.
21. Bob Ewell

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From: To Kill a Mockingbird
The Problem: While this movie is famous for featuring Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch, who basically embodies practically everything a man should be (in my opinion), you can’t leave out Bob Ewell, who’s one of the most terrible dads ever. Sure he’s a racist and impoverished hick but you can say the same about a lot of the townspeople who at least try to be responsible for their families. Ewell doesn’t seem to have the least concern for his kids and doesn’t even send them to school (they only come the first day and leave), which suggests that some form of neglect or social isolation is at play (explaining why Mayella has no friends). And it’s apparent that Ewell at least physically and emotionally abuses her more than any of his other kids. He makes his daughter’s life a complete hell and leaves her desperate for friends so it’s no surprise that she develops feelings for a black man who felt sorry for her. When Ewell saw his daughter make advances to an unwilling Tom, he beats her up and gets Robinson arrested on rape charges. Now we all know that Atticus Finch points out that Tom Robinson is incapable of laying a finger on Mayella because all her bruises indicate she was struck by someone left-handed (like Bob Ewell). And Robinson can’t use his left hand due to a childhood accident. Yet, Robinson gets convicted by an all-white-jury anyway due to racism. However, outraged at Atticus making him look like a fool, he stalks Robinson’s wife and goes after the Finch kids in the dead of night in revenge. Thank God, Boo Radley stabbed him in the end.
22. Adam Trask

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From: East of Eden
The Problem: Now Adam Trask isn’t the worst father on the list or a terrible parent at that. After all, he did raise his twin sons while his wife Kate just disappeared without a trace before turning up in Salinas as a brothel owner. Still, he’s on the list for one thing: excessive favoritism which really hurts both his sons’ well-being if you think about it. Now in the movie, it’s said that Aron is the good son while Cal is the bad son. Except that when you really get to know Cal, it’s really not the case (and may even be the opposite). Nevertheless, this doesn’t stop Adam from emotionally abusing him behind a guise of religious hypocrisy or at least refusing to acknowledge his worth as a person. Sure Cal may be a troublemaker but he’s a smart guy who craves for fatherly love and affection as well as sets up a bean growing enterprise to save his family farm after Adam’s disaster with the cabbages. Yet, no matter what Cal does for his dad, Adam always seems to see him as nothing but a piece of shit who’d never amount to anything while he sees Aron as almost incapable of anything bad. Adam’s conduct to his sons at the birthday party scene just appalls me, especially when he praises Aron for getting “engaged” to Abra (despite not proposing to her first) while basically deriding Cal for war profiteering even though he did practically everything he could to save his ass. And to make matters worse, Adam has lied to his twin boys all their lives about their mother being in heaven. This drives Aron in shock that he gets drunk and joins the army when he finds out the truth about Kate. Sure you might blame it on Cal, but if Adam hadn’t lied to them or put him on a pedestal, Aron probably would’ve been better able to handle it.
23. Thomas Jefferson

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From: Jefferson in Paris
The Problem: I know he’s a Founding Father, US president, and wrote the Declaration of Independence. However, as a parent, he didn’t treat his children equally as well as discriminated them on the basis of color. Sure his two surviving daughters by his dead wife might get the best education a Virginia plantation upbringing can offer them. Yet, we need to accept that Jefferson was a slave owner who fathered children with his slave, Sally Hemings (the first when she was 15 years old). Now while Jefferson did eventually free most of Hemings’ children (and his daughter freed Hemings), this doesn’t disprove the fact that Jefferson spent most of these kids’ early lives treating them like his property as well as viewed them socially inferior to his white children (the former might not be absolutely true but the latter was). Makes him kind of a hypocrite if you really think about it. Still, the concept of planters fathering children with slaves was a very common practice (since it explains the fact most African Americans have at least one white ancestor. Any time Henry Louis Gates does an African American’s genealogy, this always comes up).
24. Kevin Flynn

TRON: LEGACY
From: TRON: Legacy
The Problem: I don’t know about you, but I think this guy makes the dad in “Cats in the Cradle” seem like the dad in “Watching Scotty Grow.” Sure the guy is the CEO of a video game company and does his work in the game world. However, unlike most guys in the video game industry, Kevin abandoned his wife and son for twenty years just to be in a world of his own creation. Then one day, he sends his son a mysterious message from out of the blue telling him to go into the Grid. This, to get him out of a jam. I know that Sam kind of puts his dad on a pedestal and understands his dad’s obligation to the virtual world. But still, I don’t think disappearing into a virtual world for twenty years while having a wife and kid at home is a great example of responsible parenting to say the least. In fact, I’d either take Flynn as a workaholic or just plain selfish.
25. Harry Wormwood

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From: Matilda
The Problem: Of course, you have to hand it to Roald Dahl to create some of the worst parents in children’s literature, especially in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Now Harry fits to the stereotype of used car salesman to a tee and has a personality of one to boot. Of course, being a couch potato who doesn’t have any books in his house, he’s pretty horrible to his precocious daughter Matilda whom he ignores for much of her young life. That is, before packing her off to the elementary school of hell (you know, the one with Principal Trunchbull and the “chokey”), but has no qualms about the school’s disciplinary measures there (even though he should). And if that wasn’t bad enough, he jumps at the chance of disowning Matilda altogether when her kindhearted teacher offers to take her off his hands. Sure it’s a better life, but still pretty brutal that he does it without bearing a second thought.
26. Mr. Perry

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From: Dead Poets Society
The Problem: Now there are plenty of fathers in movies who may disagree with their children’s chosen path in life, particularly if it contrast to the profession they’d want their kids to be. Yet, at least most of these dads come to accept their kid’s ambitions like in October Sky or Billy Elliot. Mr. Perry isn’t one of these dads. Played by Red Foreman from That 70s Show, Mr. Perry is domineering and controlling parent who’d want nothing more than to see his son Neil go to medical school and become a doctor (which he’s willing to do and gets straight A’s). He doesn’t care what Neil wants for himself and shows absolutely no interest in what he wants to do with his life. So when he sees Neil as Puck in a local production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, you’d think Mr. Perry would finally see that his son has talent and would finally support Neil’s acting dream. Yet, this isn’t what Mr. Perry does. Instead, he goes utterly ballistic and has Neil transferred to military school. However, Neil kills himself before he could be shipped out. Now it’s very clear that Mr. Perry’s crushing Neil’s dreams and emotional abuse were what led to his son’s suicide. But, he certainly doesn’t try to consider the idea and blames his son’s death on his teacher Mr. Keating. This gets Keating fired. Bastard. Would it be any trouble for him if he’d just let Neil do community theater? Worked out for Graham Chapman.
27. Richard Detmer
From: Chronicle
The Problem: Andrew Detmer doesn’t have a great life at home or at school. He’s bullied at school, his mother’s dying of cancer, his home is a dump, his family is struggling and his dad is basically a drunk who uses him as punching bag to take out all his family’s frustrations. Yet, it doesn’t seem that Richard does anything to relieve his family’s financial stress or get his wife the treatment she needs. And in fact, despite deeply caring for his wife, he’s basically the sole reason why she can’t get any treatment since most of the money coming into the house tends to go to his booze. Yet, Richard doesn’t seem to realize that he has a drinking problem and blames everything on his son. He calls Andrew selfish for keeping an expensive camera (which his cousin gave him as a gift) as well as ransacks his room. And when his wife dies, Richard blames Andrew for it as well. For having a father like that, it’s no surprise Andrew’s superpowers became so destructive as they did.
28. Wayne Szalinski

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From: Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Honey, I Blew Up the Kid, and Honey We Shrunk Ourselves
The Problem: While many mad scientist parents can be quite terrible parents, yet Wayne has no problem with loving his children. However, he’s on this list for a reason and that is because he’s such a careless buffoon with his inventions around the house. I mean having an electromagnetic shrink ray in his attic while leaving the door unlocked basically puts his and the neighbors’ kids fighting for their lives when they accidentally wander in it and afterwards, have to band together to survive. And that doesn’t even mention unwittingly throwing the kids in the trash, having them fend for themselves against insects, a lawnmower, a cat, and a lawn sprinkler system, and having one of them almost get eaten in the cereal. Any sane person living nearby would call child services. Of course, even when he tries to make things right again, he somehow blows up his baby in one of the sequels.
29. Lt. Col. Wilbur ‘Bull’ Meechum, USMC

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From: The Great Santini
The Problem: Now my father is a former military brat (since he was born in Germany and spent some time in New Mexico), but the only way his father ran his family like a military camp was have them “confined to quarters” if he or his brother did anything bad (as far as I’ve heard from him). This guy, kind of goes beyond that. Sure he may be seen as a great Marine flying ace but he’s also an alcoholic and a failure as a dad. He’s fairly abusive to his teenage basketball star son Ben, whom he derides with, “Hey, hey, mama’s boy! Bet’cher gonna cry. Gonna cry? Let’s see you cry. Cry, sport, cry.” He has no idea how to be supportive and would rather be competitive and hold his son back even if it means humiliating him through unnecessary physical tactics. Oh, and gets his son ejected by telling him to get even with a boy from the other team. Not the kind of parent you’d want to see at your kids’ sporting events.
30. Allie Fox

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From: The Mosquito Coast
The Problem: If your dad forced you and his family to move to a faraway place, at least he didn’t say that America has perished in a nuclear holocaust and drag your family to the jungles of Belize to build a refrigeration machine so his talents can be appreciated. Yes, Allie Fox justifies the move saying that most people in the developed world have refrigerators and air conditioners. But as an engineer specializing in refrigeration technology, he doesn’t seem to respect the joy that these appliances eventually get old and break down (like any other thing you buy) and that Americans will always be hungry for the next big breakthrough in technology, which created a type of consumerism that made Steve Jobs a national treasure. But, no, being the Steve Jobs of refrigeration isn’t enough for Allie so he has to pack up his family to the Central American rainforests and attempt to construct a utopian society. And the guy cares much more for his unrealistic and ultimately doomed utopia that he manipulates his family with lies about the US being destroyed by nuclear war so he could force them to live in his unhealthy and unrealistic do-it-yourself survivalist fantasy. Unsurprisingly, his megalomania puts his family in extreme danger. Next time your dad forces you to go on a weekend camping trip, be glad he’s not this guy.

Bad Movie Husbands/Boyfriends

The movie Gone Girl has gotten a lot of press these days since it’s about a guy accused of killing his wife and the fact they didn’t really have the best relationship. Of course, this gave me the idea to write a post on some of the awful husbands and boyfriends in cinema history since there are a lot of them from the silent era to today. And if Ben Affleck’s character in that movie is as bad a husband to his wife as seen in the previews, then he’s in very good company. From assholes and complete jerks to domestic abusers, bastards, and bluebeards, bad male significant others have always been with us in cinema. The hard part about this post for me was basically coming up with a list of some of the worst and best known. Of course, there are plenty of honorable mentions like Maximilian “Maxim” de Winter from Rebecca, Claudio and Petruchio from Much Ado about Nothing and Taming of the Shrew, Noah from The Notebook, James Bond, a lot of boyfriends and husbands from romantic comedies and horror movies, plenty of superheroes, and others. Some I eliminated since they weren’t involved with their love interest to begin with while others I weeded out since they were nowhere as worse as the 30 I put up. Not to mention, there are those I left out since they were from films a lot of people wouldn’t know though I left some in since they were too horrible to leave out though I didn’t put in others simply because they’re not well remembered as bad spouses like Iago for instance. Thus, for your pleasure, here are some terrible husbands and boyfriends to make some of you ladies feel better about the guys you’re with. And fellas, just because your girlfriend may complain that you aren’t as handsome as Heathcliff or Edward Cullen, you might want to feel grateful that you are nothing like either of them since they’re complete bastards. Also, note that this isn’t a blog post bashing men since there are plenty of nice guys in film and real life. Besides, just because I’m writing a post dedicated to bad boyfriends and husbands doesn’t mean I’m insulting a whole gender because I’m not. In fact, I know a lot of great guys in my life and there are plenty of them I respect, admire, and love as well as call myself a feminist. I’m just listing movie men who don’t make good partners and why. Not to mention, I’ll have a similar one for bad wives and girlfriends soon.

1. Gregor Anton (a. k. a. Sergius Bauer)

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From: Gaslight
The Problem: Basically this guy is the main reason why this movie coins the term of emotional abuse it features. You know, gaslighting which is basically trying to control somebody by convincing them they’re crazy. Now Gregor marries Paula who’s been haunted by her aunt’s death years earlier. So what does Gregor suggest she do about it? Why, move into that very house her aunt died in of course. Paula relents yet she soon starts hearing noises, losing small objects, and seeing the gas lights in the house dim for no reason. When Gregor’s watch turns up in her pocketbook, he accuses her of stealing it. This leads Paula to question her own sanity while Gregor does everything he could to isolate her from other people save for the maids. It turns out that he only married Paula and planned to send her to the funny farm so he could steal her aunt’s costume jewels from the attic. Oh, and did I say he was the guy who knocked off her aunt in the first place? Also, Gregor Anton’s not his real name and he also has a wife and kids someplace in his home country somewhere in Central Europe.

2. Roy Neary

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From: Close Encounters with the Third Kind
The Problem: Sure he may not be an abuser or cheater but he’s a terrible husband to his long suffering wife Ronnie who just wants him to give her some appreciation for all that she does for him as well as take some fucking responsibility with his life. Their relationship is already in trouble in the beginning when you see him ignoring her while she’s trying to get his attention as she’s cleaning the house. And when he starts seeing the UFOs, it’s all downhill from there. Roy basically spends the rest of the movie being obsessed with finding the alien spaceship and Devil’s Tower that he ends up neglecting his responsibilities and his family. When he gets fired for not showing up to work, he lets Ronnie deal with it. Sure people may be happy that Roy gets to go on the spaceship but what he’s really doing is running away from his responsibilities and his family. Also, he destroyed his house by building an extra-large model of Devil’s Tower which ultimately drives Ronnie away.

3. Lewton McCanles

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From: Duel in the Sun
The Problem: You’d think just because he’s played by Gregory Peck, he’d be a nice guy. After all, he played Atticus Finch. Well, like Atticus, Lewton may be smoking hot with a nice voice. He also plays guitar and sings, teaches his horse tricks, and his bad boy vibe is a hit with the ladies. He’s especially accommodating to Pearl Chavez when she starts living on Spanish Bit after her dad’s execution for killing her mom. Yet, Lewt’s not only a manipulative bastard who forces his way into Pearl’s pants on occasional nights and reneges his promise to marry her. He’s also an intensely possessive and violent psycho who doesn’t want to see Pearl with anyone else and would do absolutely anything to see it that way. When he finds out Pearl set to marry another man, he goes completely apeshit. He picks a fight with Pearl’s fiancé just to shoot him dead, derails a train, and shoots his brother Jesse unarmed. Oh, and he has one of his ranch hands tip Pearl off which results in a desert shootout between the two that leads to their death in each other’s arms. Still, despite treating Pearl so unbelievably horribly in ways previously unseen in a 1946 film (I mean the guy fucking rapes her), she still keeps coming back to Lewt because she has no self-esteem. Still, as to whether he loved Pearl or not, you can debate about it until the cows come home. Yet, he obviously cares much more about himself than he does about Pearl, especially in regards to sexual consent.

4. Jack Torrance

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From: The Shining
The Problem: Let’s see, cabin fever induced crazy ax murdering aside, Jack is a terrible husband even before coming to the Overlook Hotel. He’s a selfish jerk who dragged his family to some isolated hotel in the dead of winter just so he could finish his novel (he doesn’t). He’s also an alcoholic with anger issues that he rips Danny’s arm out of its socket for messing up his test papers and makes his wife Wendy afraid of her own shadow. Still, Jack didn’t just drag his family to the hotel to finish his novel or spend quality time with them but to also isolate them from anyone else as what he tells his wife, “When you come in here and you hear me typing, or whether you DON’T hear me typing, or whatever the FUCK you hear me doing; when I’m in here, it means that I am working, THAT means don’t come in. Now, do you think you can handle that?” Oh, and when his family has had enough of being at some creepy lodging in the middle of nowhere during the winter, Jack does everything he could so they can’t escape and he proceeds to try killing them. Now if you were married to an ax murdering lunatic that goes, “Here’s Johnny!” you might want to file a restraining order.

5. Dixon “Dix” Steele

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From: In a Lonely Place
The Problem: While Dixon Steele may be a Hollywood screenwriter you’d mistake for a male porn star if you didn’t see this movie, this is the least of his issues. And despite being played by Humphrey Bogart, to be in a relationship with Dix is a very scary prospect. From the very beginning, we are well aware that Dix has an explosive temper and a history of violent behavior. We just don’t know how explosive until the very end. So when he takes home a hat check girl who’s found mysteriously murdered the next day, he’s the LAPD’s #1 suspect. Now when neighbor Laurel Gray hooks up with him, she’s absolutely sure that Dix is totally innocent. At first, things between them are fine but soon there’s trouble in paradise that make you doubt whether Dix was telling the truth. And if it isn’t Dix’s guaranteed to scare you “If I Did It” speech that does it, then it could probably the scene when Dix furiously travels too fast and sideswipes another car as well as brutally beats the driver unconscious before preparing to strike him with a large rock. Now such sight makes Laurel understandably terrified and distrustful of him that she can’t sleep without taking pills and only accepts his marriage proposal because she’s afraid of what he might do to her if she refused. Oh, and when he finds out her plans to take the next plane out of LA, he goes ballistic and tries to strangle her. Now I’m not going to give the ending away, but by this point even Laurel thinks that Dix may have killed somebody since he’s certainly viable suspect.

6. Carlo Rizzi

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From: The Godfather
The Problem: Now most of the male members of the Corleone family are pretty bad guys since well, they’re in the mafia so those implications go without saying. Also, while Sonny is a cheater and Michael is a controlling liar who kills his brother Fredo. However, if there was a Corleone family member who deserved a place on this list, it would be Connie’s husband Carlo Rizzi. Now their marriage begins with a storybook wedding all paid by Don Vito. Yet, you later find out that Carlo married Connie just to join the Corleone family business and doesn’t take Sonny shunning him from family meetings too well at all. So he takes his frustrations and rage out on Connie, has a bunch of affairs, and makes a deal with two other mafia families to help take Sonny out. Now this would understandably upset Connie who tries to confront him but Carlo beats her twice (and on one she was pregnant). Let’s just say, despite committing fratricide, Michael doesn’t lose sibling points for having Carlo strangled on his baby’s baptism.

7. Edward Cullen

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From: The Twilight Saga
The Problem: For one, he’s a blood sucking vampire with a personality of a cardboard box, yet that’s best thing you can say about him. Second, he’s 108 years old and attends high school. Sure he hasn’t aged a bit for 90 years but still, he sees absolutely nothing wrong with pursuing a relationship with a 17 year old girl. Third, Edward seems to show all the signs of an emotionally abusive boyfriend to Bella Swan and his withholding sex basically leads her to give up any ambition or dream she ever had and marry him. Control freak? I’ll say. Oh, and he stalks her, too a lot like watching her sleep and breaking into her home all because he loves her and wants to keep her safe. He also dictates who she could be friends with, encourages his family to spy on her and prevent her from disobeying his wishes. Major trust issues, anyone? And did I tell you he harbors the urge to eat her as well as repeatedly warn her against being with him? Still, let’s face it, despite his good looks, Edward is controlling, manipulative, and possessive asshole whom no girl should date. Also, the relationship between Edward and Bella which has electrified an entire fanbase of screaming teenage girls is fundamentally unhealthy in every way imaginable despite not including cheating, abuse, addiction, or rape. And it’s very disturbing that Edward seems to have a lot of fangirls who thinks he’s just so perfect. Still, if he ever breaks into my house, I’ll just grab my crucifix and sprinkle myself with garlic.

8. Earl Hunterson

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From: Waitress
The Problem: So this movie is about a woman named Jenna who works as a waitress who makes pies just to escape her horrible marriage. When Jenna finds out she’s pregnant she goes to great lengths to hide her pregnancy from her husband and stores some money in secret so she could escape from him. Of course, she has a good reason for it since Earl’s an abusive asshole who has no qualms taking Jenna’s money away from her because he thinks that a husband always has to be in charge of the money. In reality, he just wants to control her and keep her from leaving. Also, he flips out when he discovers her secret stash, destroys a table at her best friend’s wedding, and offers to buy a camcorder with money so they could make sex films. Oh, and he said that he’d let Jenna have the baby if she agrees to never love the kid more than him. What? And he slaps her across the face. Striking your pregnant wife, how nice! Luckily Jenna tells him to hit the bricks.

9. Monk
From: The Purple Rose of Cairo
The Problem: Like Jenna, Cecilia is a diner waitress yet she’s not pregnant and instead of baking pies, she goes to the movies. Now any money she earns from her work at the diner goes to her out of work husband Monk who should be looking for a job. However, he uses the money to gamble with his “friends” instead of paying the bills, drinks, and has an affair he blames on his wife. It’s also implied that he constantly beats her. Over the film’s course, Cecilia tries to leave Monk many times but he always reminds her that she’ll always come back to him because she has nowhere else to go. And you’d really want her to run off to Hollywood actor Jeff Daniels but he ditches her once the main plot is resolved. Thus, it leaves Cecilia having to watch movies every night and go back to that terrible husband of hers because she has no other choices in life. Still, you kind of wish fate would intervene with Monk coming to a bad end with having a bookie from the mafia kind.

10. Martin Burney

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From: Sleeping with the Enemy
The Problem: This may not be a good movie, but Martin is one bad husband. Basically the plot of the movie goes with his wife Laura faking her own death and planning on getting rid of him in the most intricate way for months since she knew he’d always terrorize her whether she divorced him or not. He’s abusive, possessive, and jealous even when a neighbor would just say hi. Not only that, but Laura faked drowning to death in a storm while she and her husband were sailing, took swimming lessons to overcome her fear of water, and faked her mom’s death by putting her in a nursing home with a different name well before then. Oh, and he basically decides to smother his mother-in-law with a pillow just because she called him a monster. Okay, Laura, now I see why you created such an intricate plan just to get rid of one man.

11. Jerome “Jerry” Lundergaard

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From: Fargo
The Problem: He hires two criminals he hasn’t met before to kidnap his wife Jean so he could mooch money off his father-in-law as ransom. This is a plan so insane that even the crooks just advise him to man up and ask Jean for the money, which would’ve solved everything. Still, this goes as horribly wrong as you’d expect so Jerry just lies to his father-in-law to control the situation just so he could get the money. He also tries to cancel the kidnapping when he thinks there may be a legit business deal that may work out. Yet, when he finds out he can’t stop it, he just goes along with it anyway which results in Jean and her dad getting killed as well as his teenage son being understandably crushed after his mom’s disappearance. And finally, despite being directly responsible for getting his wife and father-in-law killed over money, he shows absolutely no remorse for his actions and would do anything to cover it up, even lie to his son.

12. Johnnie Aysgarth

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From: Suspicion
The Problem: Now just because Johnnie is played by Cary Grant, doesn’t mean he’d make a great husband or boyfriend because he’s a complete turd. Sure he may be charming and shower Lina with lavish gifts despite her wealthy dad’s strong disapproval of him. Of course, her dad’s suspicions are very much on the money, especially after Lina and Johnnie return from a lavish honeymoon and settle into an extravagant house. It’s here that Lina discovers her new husband has no job, no income, habitually lives on borrowed money, and married her so he could sponge of her old man. And to make matters worse, Johnnie is a compulsive gambler who pawns off Lina’s heirloom chairs she received as a wedding present from her beloved father, is fired by her cousin for embezzlement, and is referred to as “a highly entertaining liar” from a friend. Still, he always tells Lina he would change his ways and take some responsibility in his life but he never does. Also, when Lina starts being distrustful of him, he gets defensive and tells her to stay out of his business. And when his friend Beaky is mysteriously found dead, Lina starts suspecting that Johnnie kill him and is planning on killing her for the life insurance. Of course, they stay together in the end since Johnnie tells her he’s not a murderer but you kind of wish that Lina just pack her bags and leave him just the same since he’s a gold digging liar and a crook who doesn’t want to take any responsibility with his life.

13. Caledon Nathan “Cal” Hockley

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From: Titanic (1997)
The Problem: Well, technically he and Rose weren’t really together in the intimate sense but he’s her fiancé so he counts. We know that Cal’s a horrible fit for Rose as well as arrogant and selfish. Not only that, but it’s worth noting that Rose didn’t want to marry this guy in the first place. Yet, she’s engaged to him because her mother wants some fast cash to stay in first class. Cal barely pays and attention to her and when he does, it just seems like he’s trying to control her. Oh, and he gets insanely jealous when he finds out about Rose hooking up with Jack Dawson, he just slaps her and goes ballistic. And he handcuffs Jack to the sinking ship and goes after them with a gun shooting whoever’s in his way, all because he didn’t get what he wanted. Still, you can understand why Rose threw herself overboard and screwed a bum.

14. Mister (Albert)

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From: The Color Purple
The Problem: Well, after spending a childhood of enduring the physical, sexual, and emotional abuse from the stepfather from hell, Celie is a human basket case conditioned to accept the life Mister has in store for her. This means basically enduring being battered, beaten, demeaned, and raped. And to make matters worse, he cuts her off from her sister Nettie who’s the only person who cares about her and has his mistress move into their home where he expects Celie to accommodate and wait on her hand and foot. Ironically, the mistress part may actually have been the most positive development in Celie’s life for a long time.

15. Ike Turner

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From: What’s Love Got to with It
The Problem: Now Ike Turner was a horrible husband in real life and his portrayal in this movie by Laurence Fishburne got him an Academy Award nomination. He’s basically an abusive selfish jerk who’s jealous of Tina’s career as well as constantly beats and berates her to the point that she doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going. He always reminds her that he made her (well, he did make her famous but that’s beside the point) and that she would be nothing without him. And when she leaves him, he tells her she can’t keep his name saying, “The name is mine. The name got my daddy’s blood on it. If she wanna go, she can go wherever she wanna go, but the name stays home!” Well, we’d probably applaud Tina for sticking up for herself against that terrible man.

16. Guy Woodhouse

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From: Rosemary’s Baby
The Problem: Sure he’s not abuser, cheater, or murderer. Yet, he forced his wife to be Satan’s handmaiden and father the Anti-Christ just so he could further his career. May be an narcissistic asshole yet he sees no problem with the Beast raping Rosemary in front of a crowd of elderly Satanic cultists watching. Now that would instantly put you on the list. Hope the whole “making your wife handmaiden of Satan thing” comes back to bite him and he meets a similar fate like Gregory Peck did in The Omen.

17. Flap Horton

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From: Terms of Endearment
The Problem: Now when Aurora Greenway warned Emma that marrying Flap Horton would be a big mistake of major proportions, she was right. And while Flap may not be one of the worst characters on this list, he’s a liar, serial adulterer, and uninvolved husband and father to his wife and three kids. He’s also a selfish jerk who cares about his own self-gratification and academic career more than his own family. Emma gives up her career for him, too. And to make matters worse Emma dies of cancer and he doesn’t seem to be there for her either or even sad about her death. Not to mention, he also didn’t think twice about handing his kids to their grandmother to raise in Houston. Kind of sad and depressing if you really think about it. Still, his children aren’t going to grow up remembering him fondly.

18. Jason “JD” Dean

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From: Heathers
The Problem: Sure he’s handsome and almost a dream come true at first since Veronica feels like she could connect with him, yet JD is actually not the kind of boy you’d want to take home to mama. Not because he wears a leather jacket mind you, but because he’s a manipulative creep and a raging psycho oddly obsessed with weapons and death (never a good sign). He loves to murder anyone who crosses his path and frame it as a suicide. Soon he’s dragging his girlfriend Veronica into his mad schemes when she tells him she hates her friends. He suggests knocking them off one by one, which sickens her. Also, threatens to blow up the school.

19. Chris Wilton

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From: Match Point
The Problem: For one, he’s a married ex-tennis pro and cheats on his gorgeous wife a lot, especially with an equally beautiful Nola Rice (who’s engaged to a student of his in the beginning). Sure he’s a handsome and charming tennis pro. But when Nola turns up pregnant, all Chris worries about the child’s existence being a liability to the affair he doesn’t want his wife Chloe to know. Desperate enough that he kills Nola and her neighbor, stages a burglary at that neighbor’s apartment to make it look like a drug crime, and lies his way out of it with the aid of attorneys.

20. Tony Wendice

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From: Dial M for Murder
The Problem: Now if ex-tennis pro Tony wanted to kill his wife Margot because she was cheating on him, he wouldn’t be on this list. However, he just uses her adultery as an excuse to have her murdered so he could get his hands on her vast sums of cash. He does this by blackmailing his old college buddy to kill her but Margot ends up killing him instead in self-defense. So to cover up that he did hire a crook to kill his wife, Tony just sets up to frame her for Swann’s murder which gets her convicted and sentenced to death. This when he and his wife are seemingly renewing their relationship. Sure he gets his comeuppance in the end, but still, if your husband frames you for murder after he tried to get you killed, it’s probably time for a divorce.

21. Joe Clay

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From: Days of Wine and Roses
The Problem: Now Joe Clay is actually one of the better guys on this list as well as one of the few her who actually takes responsibility with his life and changes his ways so he could at least be a better father for his daughter Debbie. However, he’s on this list as a bad male significant other for a reason and it’s for the fact he’s an alcoholic and introduced his girlfriend (later wife) Kristen Arnesen to booze. Of course, Joe’s drinking worsens and costs him his job and destroying his father-in-law’s greenhouse. Yet, Kristen also develops an addiction which leads to even more destructive behavior like causing a fire in their apartment which almost killed herself and their daughter. And soon she’s basically disappearing for a long time and picking up strangers in bars (akin to Jimmy McNulty). Now while Joe does eventually sober up and get his life back together, the fact he introduced Kristen to booze basically wrecked their relationship before it really began. Not only that, but it also indirectly wrecked Kristen’s life, which is why his father-in-law may never forgive him. Joe may still have a chance to be a better father to Debbie as well as good partner to the next woman he meets, but there’s no way he’ll ever make a good husband for Kristen because his relationship with her has sailed and it’s his fault.

22. Monte Beragon

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From: Mildred Pierce
The Problem: He’s a rich playboy living on who’s all too content to live off of Mildred’s hard earned money from the restaurant business she built. Still, while Monte may be handsome and charming with a nice house and a closet full of ladies’ clothes, he’s a piece of shit while his spending habits and laziness partially lead to Mildred’s downfall. And it doesn’t help that he still views her as common scum for being born at a lower station than himself as well as is well liked by Mildred’s spoiled sociopathic daughter Veda who’d she absolutely do anything for. Of course, Mildred only marries Monte so Veda could come back to her. Unfortunately, she discovers that Monte and Veda are having an affair and witnesses her daughter shoot her stepfather dead. Now given that Monte is much older than Veda who’s still practically a teenager, it’s probably a fate much deserved.

23. Mr. Edward Rochester

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From: Jane Eyre
The Problem: Now let’s see. For one, he’s Jane Eyre’s boss and she’s governess to his kid (like a nanny/schoolteacher). Second, he’s several years older than her as well as worms his way into Jane’s heart by trying to make her jealous when seemingly seeing a spoiled rich bitch. Third and most importantly, Jane doesn’t know that he’s married and keeps his wife in an attic until seconds before she’s about to marry Mr. Rochester at the altar. From someone else. Now if there is anything that would be a justified case of turning Bridezilla, it would be that but Jane seems to take it remarkably well. Apparently, despite that Mr. Rochester is manipulative and untrustworthy, Jane ends up going back to him after his house burns down and his wife is dead. But still, this story may take place in the 19th century but I still don’t think Jane should’ve went back to him since he’s a completely unsuitable man indeed.

24. Tom Buchanan

THE GREAT GATSBY
From: The Great Gatsby
The Problem: Say what you want about Jay Gatsby, but he’s nowhere near as bad as Tom Buchanan who makes the rich bootlegger worth rooting for in this love triangle. Now if there’s one thing that Daisy probably regrets doing in life, it’s probably marrying this no good piece of shit but by the time the novel begins, she’s already had a kid with him and it’s too late to go back to Gatsby. Yet, seeing that she’s married to a lousy human specimen like Tom Buchanan, you kind of wish she should just take their daughter and high tail it. Tom is a self-absorbed, controlling, emotionally abusive, and racist prick who sees nothing wrong with cheating and neglecting his wife. In fact, he’s too busy fooling around that he didn’t even bother to show up for the birth of his own child. But if Daisy ever should cheat on him with Gatsby, well, he’s certainly going to be pissed. Also, was indirectly responsible for setting up Gatsby’s murder by leading George to believe he ran over Myrtle who’s also Tom’s mistress he’s seen physically abusing. Seems like a very nice guy. Not.

25. Count Vincenzo Torlato-Favrini
From: The Barefoot Contessa
The Problem: Now Count Vincenzo may seem like Maria Vargas’ Prince Charming when you first see him and you think she may live happily ever after. Yet in reality, he’s basically as bad as most of the male characters in this film save Humphrey Bogart. Sure he may bestow affection to Maria, beats up a guy in casino for her, as well as lives in a big fancy house. But he’s a manipulative bastard who doesn’t love her and only marries Maria so he could create a memorable end to his family line since there’s no way he and his sister will ever have children. Not to mention, he tells her that he had no idea she was a famous actress and didn’t watch her movies (this is certainly a lie because I think he knows everything about her). Maria is successfully duped. Now if Count Vincenzo truly loved Maria, he would’ve told her about his war injury and his inability to consummate their relationship before the wedding. Instead, he tells her after the lavish ceremony on their wedding night which leads to her crying on the bed. Still, Maria tries to make everything better by cheating on him to get herself pregnant and passing the unborn child as his kid. Unfortunately Count Vincenzo ends up killing her in a crime of passion. And this was probably exactly what he wanted.

26. Stanley Kowalski

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From: A Streetcar Named Desire
The Problem: Now Stanley is certainly the worst brother-in-law in literature or the movies has ever seen. And despite that he may be a sexy bad boy played by Marlon Brando, he’s a horrible human being. Sure he may have a right to know about Blanche since she’s his wife’s sister and house guest and has every right to dislike her. Yet, understand that he treats her with nothing but contempt from the beginning contrary to Stella’s wishes. Not only that, but he also has rage issues which he takes on a pregnant Stella after he loses in a poker game (making him the third guy on his list to strike his pregnant wife). Now she seems quite calm about it and is quick to forgive him as if Stanley’s physical abuse is just a normal part of their relationship. This establishes that Stanley is the one wearing the pants in the relationship which is not good. Also, to add insult to injury, he rapes Blanche on the night Stella goes into labor, which leads his sister-in-law to go nuts and be institutionalized.

27. Heathcliff

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From: Wuthering Heights
The Problem: Heathcliff may be one of literature’s most famous romantic leads and yes, he and Catherine Earnshaw may have a very passionate and all-consuming love that started when they were raised together as children. However, their love is clearly unhealthy and intensely destructive, which leads to the ruin of them and almost everyone around them. Also, there’s a possibility that they might have the same dad so you do the math. Sure he may have been bullied and abused since childhood but he’s a complete bastard and was never really a nice person to begin with. Now when Catherine Earnshaw rejects him and marries Edgar Linton, Heathcliff leaves the country for a few years as well as returns immensely wealthy and a great thirst for revenge against those who made his life miserable. Whether it’s buying Wuthering Heights from under Hindley’s nose and driving him further into a death by alcoholism in his 30s or marrying Edgar’s sister Isabelle just simply out of spite, Heathcliff’s love for Cathy won’t end even if he has to destroy everyone’s lives in retaliation for not getting the girl of his dreams. And if you’re Isabella, you may be boy crazy over him at your brother’s estate but once Heathcliff is yours, well, welcome to hell. I mean Isabella is practically miserable because Heathcliff basically ignores and abuses her. Not to mention, it’s could be fair to say despite being a romantic hero to generations of teenage girls, he could possibly be a sociopath who may taint and destroy everything he touches. Avoid men like him, please, for your own good.

28. Billy Loomis

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From: Scream
The Problem: Sure he may seem like a creep who you wants to get into Sidney Prescott’s pants at first. But if Billy’s biggest sin was being a horny teenage boy, then he wouldn’t be on this list since there are plenty of movie male significant others who are much worse. And Billy is in good company since he’s a psychopath and serial killer who murders all of Sidney’s friends (so it seems), knocks off her mother, the school principal, and others with his buddy, Stu. Oh, and he tries to kill her.

29. Othello

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From: Othello
The Problem: Let’s just say in the Shakespearean sense, while Othello certainly loves his wife Desdemona, he’s more likely to listen to “Honest Iago” about the women of Venice than her. Now Iago is a scheming and lying turd (his own wife doesn’t even trust him and one of the vilest Shakespearean villains to date but he’s not remembered much as a husband so he’s not on here) who wants to take his boss Othello down because he didn’t get promoted (or so he says but you can’t really believe him). He picks at Othello’s brain saying that Desdemona’s running off with him was proof of her lustful nature since she basically screwed all the guys in town before going to him and basically tries to convince him that Desdemona and Cassio were having an affair. This by planting Desde’s handkerchief at Cassio’s place. Now Othello is understandably upset that his lovely white wife could possibly be cheating on him but does he confront Desdemona and ask whether she actually sleep with Cassio or Iago was just bullshitting? Yes, he does and Emilia for good measure but he doesn’t believe either even though Cassio and Desdemona haven’t even had a chance in this whole play thus far. Still, this doesn’t stop Othello from ordering Cassio killed and smothering Desdemona in their bed. This is before he finds out his wife wasn’t cheating at all, renounces God, and kills himself. Now that’s a tragedy, folks.

30. Jake LaMotta

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From: Raging Bull
The Problem: Another real life example and one that earned Robert DeNiro the Oscar for Best Actor. It’s said that the real Jake LaMotta didn’t realize how much of a jerk he was to his ex-wives until he saw this movie. While he’s one of the few bad husbands to reform or at least realize he has a problem, he could easily make Stanley Kowalski and Ike Turner seem like Prince Charming in comparison. Sure he achieved success as a boxer, but he’s a man consumed with anger, paranoia, and shame. For one, he cheats on and later dumps his first wife with a 15 year old girl. Second, he’s very possessive of Vicki that his jealousy fits come out of nowhere and from the slightest provocations which result in violent physical abuse. I mean he regularly beats his wife because she suspects she may be interested in other men, including his brother. And it doesn’t help that he won’t have sex with her and is seen making out with several women in the club near the end. Still, while he did achieve success as a boxer, his impulsive violence drove away everyone he loved and the title just to bail himself out of prison.

Classic Old Hollywood Bad Boys Deconstructed

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For years, it’s been said that girls are attracted to bad boys.  However, there are times when some of these “bad” boys are only bad in name only while others live up to the name. Sometimes a guy is only seen as a “bad boy” just because he’s attractive and has an undesirable flaw. Here I have a list of some of the best defined bad boys of the Old Hollywood years (before 1970) and try to determine on a criteria on whether they are really as bad as people make them out to be. With each known “bad boy” I’ll ask questions whether he’s criminally inclined, gets along with his family or friends, mentally stable, potentially abusive and/or physically violent, whether he has trouble keeping a legal job, whether he’s sufficiently bad as the rest of the cast, if he respects women, and whether he’s actually interested or uses people. Of course, some factors matter more than others. So here is a list of Old Hollywood bad boys and whether they are really “bad” or just a good looking guy with an undesirable flaw. (I’ll only show those who are likeable around women since they are the hot point of debate. Also, I’ll only list the iconic ones from classic films, history, or literature.)

1. Jim Stark

From: Rebel Without a Cause, played by James Dean

Is he criminally inclined? Well, he skipped home, was caught for underage drinking, and participated in street racing but only under peer pressure and really felt bad about it. Still, his criminal behavior doesn’t deviate from what one would expect from a teenager.

Does he get along with family or friends? Though he doesn’t make friends easily he does get along with those nice to him. And though he may have trouble getting along with his parents, he nevertheless loves them.

Is he mentally stable? Well, he has issues but compared to his friend Plato (Sal Mineo) he is.

Is he potentially abusive or physically violent? He has a bad temper but is only physically violent when he gets really angry or upset. Also, he’s no where near as abusive as some of the characters.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? This isn’t relevant in the movie.

Is he worse than most of the cast? No, for there are plenty of worse people in the cast like Plato and the gang of school bullies.

Does he respect women? Actually treats Judy (Natalie Wood) better than her old man and one of her boyfriends. He certainly doesn’t physically hurt any women.

Does he care about his love interest? Well, let’s just say he takes more of an emotional interest in Judy than a physical one and probably wouldn’t want anything to do with him if she was mean to him. Whether he loves her, I can’t really say.

Verdict: Though Jim may have serious issues and is nowhere near perfect, he’s actually not much worse than what you’d expect from most teenagers. And compared to most of the teenage boys in the cast, he’s actually one least self-destructive and nicest guys around.

2. Cal Trask

From: East of Eden, played by James Dean

Is he criminally inclined? Not really.

Does he get along with family or friends? Well, though he seems to act perfectly fine with characters outside his family, his relationship with his family is dysfunctional. For one, his mother deserted and neglected her family when him and his brother were very young and had nothing to with them until the start of the film. Though Cal adores his deeply religious father, his dad doesn’t really think much about him and makes it no secret that he favors his brother Aron. And with Aron, Cal is basically jealous of him but later drives him insane and steals his girlfriend. Let’s just say it’s complicated.

Is he mentally stable? Sure he has serious issues but he’s pretty much grounded in reality.

Is he abusive or physically violent? Only with his brother and only when mad.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? Not only does he have no trouble keeping a job, he’s also a very successful as an entrepreneurial farmer and businessman. His bean growing experiment earned him a considerable profit.

Is he worse than most of the cast? Well, with the exception of Abra (Julie Harris), the sheriff (Burl Ives), and a few others, you might think that. He’s definitely a better person than his mother.

Does he respect women? Well, he doesn’t physically hurt them. Still, it depends on whether some women are nice to him.

Does he care about his love interest? Let’s just say he wouldn’t steal Abra away from Aron if he wasn’t emotionally drawn to her since she’s one of the few characters who’s nice to him.

Verdict: Cal may do some bad things but he is not a bad boy at all. He has some issues and is certainly labeled that, but most evidence points to the contrary. He just doesn’t get along with his family.

3. Lewton McCanles

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From: Duel in the Sun, played by Gregory Peck

Is he criminally inclined? Yes, commits rape and murder multiple times, shoots his own brother unarmed, and derails a train.

Does he get along with family or friends? He may get along with his father and some of the ranch hands but he doesn’t have a good relationship with his mother or brother who both aren’t happy being related to him.

Is he mentally stable? He’s very prone to self-destructive behavior, especially towards the end.

Is he abusive or physically violent? Oh, yes, very much so. He’s controlling and has an explosive temper. He rapes Jennifer Jones and shoots Joseph Cotten and Charles Bickford. Oh, he and Jennifer Jones both die in a shoot out.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? Not really but he works on his family ranch.

Is he worse than most of the cast? When it comes to inflicting violence, absolutely. When it comes to attitudes of the day, not really.

Does he respect women? Not at all. He and his mother don’t get along and he treats Pearl (Jennifer Jones) like shit and does whatever he wants with her without considering her feelings. Not to mention, he’s also very possessive and controlling of her.

Does he care about his love interest? Though it’s hard to say whether he loves Pearl, he certainly doesn’t care enough for her to consider her feelings or obtain her consent when it comes to sex. To him she just exists to sexually fulfill him until he’s done with her, or so it appears.

Verdict: For those who think that he can’t be that terrible because he’s played by Gregory Peck, I believe you are sorely mistaken. Lewton McCanles is  perhaps a “bad boy” in the truest sense. Avoid men like him at all costs.

4. Stanley Kowalski

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From: A Streetcar Named Desire, played by Marlon Brando

Is he criminally inclined? Well, he’s a rapist and one of the most famous domestic abusers of all time.

Does he get along with family or friends? He can be a bully to Mitch (Karl Malden) and perhaps some of his other friends. As far as the play is concerned, he has a happy enough marriage with Stella (Kim Hunter). However, he doesn’t much care for her sister Blanche DuBois (Vivien Leigh) at all.

Is he mentally stable? Well, he does make a point about Blanche and is capable of rational thought, but he has an explosive temper. And he’s crying like a baby when Stella tries to leave him. Still, don’t call him a “polack.”

Is he abusive or physically violent? Not only is he verbally abusive to just about everyone, but he also beats his pregnant wife and rapes his sister-in-law. Not to mention, he’s very selfish and controlling.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? Not at all.

Is he worse than most of the cast? Absolutely, though Blanche does come close since she moonlighted as a prostitute and got fired from her teaching job for having sex with a seventeen-year-old boy.

Does he respect women? Well, he certainly doesn’t respect Blanche and doesn’t treat Stella much better. Then again, he’s probably not a misogynist because he treats everyone like shit.

Does he care about his love interest? Let’s just say he didn’t marry Stella just because she was from a more affluent background and no matter how bad he treats her, he can’t live without her.

Verdict: Stanley is an abusive and violent man who no one should dare associate with. He’s as bad as everyone makes him out to be.

5. Terry Malloy

From: On the Waterfront, played by Marlon Brando

Is he criminally inclined? His brother is a gangster so probably, though the worst thing he does is help the local crime syndicate knock off his friend Jimmy Doyle.

Does he get along with family or friends? Though he loves his brother Charley (Rod Steiger) his relationship with him is strained. Of course with everyone else, it depends on whether he’s a priest, a stevedore, or a gangster as well as the point in the film. Still, he’s great with kids and pigeons though.

Is he mentally stable? He’s unhappy at himself for his failed boxing career as well as guilty of betraying his friend. He does get better though.

Is he abusive or physically violent? Not really, but if you ever are violent toward him, he will beat you up. Also, used to be a boxer.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? He may not have a boxing career but he does work as a stevedore so, no.

Is he worse than most of the cast? No, Johnny Friendly (Lee J. Cobb) and his associates are much worse including Charley.

Does he respect women? Hard to say since Eva Marie Saint is the only girl in the cast but he’s not a bad guy towards her though and does testify against the people responsible for killing her brother.

Does he care about his love interest? Yes, he certainly does since she was his friend’s little sister and does give her the awful truth.

Verdict: Though Terry may seem bad at first, it’s actually pretty complicated to say since he’s pretty conflicted between his brother and doing what’s right. After Charley is killed, however, he’s certainly not. Still, he doesn’t think well of himself.

6. Heathcliff

Laurence Olivier Wuthering Heights

From: Wuthering Heights, played by Sir Laurence Olivier

Is he criminally inclined? How he made his fortune is legally questionable so we really can’t say. But he tries to ruin Hindley’s life through legal means.

Does he get along with family or friends? Well, he’s fine with people who are nice to him and/or don’t betray him. Yet, even that is no guarantee since the Lintons are nice and he treats them horribly, ditto Catherine Earnshaw (Merle Oberon) when she dumps him. Still, with his surrogate family, he’s nice to Catherine’s father but terrible to her brother Hindley.

Is he mentally stable? He has a terrible temper and a vicious streak to make everyone who’s ever wronged him pay. Also, he’s very much prone to self-destruction and has a tendency to drag others with him.

Is he abusive or physically violent? He’s controlling, vengeful, and has a short fuse, especially when she decides to date Linton (David Niven). He’s also terrible to everyone else. As for physically violent, no.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? We can’t really be sure since we don’t know how he made his fortune.

Is he worse than most of the cast? It soon becomes that way since Linton, Hindley, and Catherine made him the monster he became.

Does he respect women? No, since he’s willing to marry one girl he has no feelings for just to get back at her sister-in-law. And he treats his wife like shit. Not to mention, he’s controlling and possessive of Catherine and the two don’t have the healthiest relationship.

Does he care about his love interest? Has been in love with Catherine since they were kids and continues to love her even though they marry other people and have a very destructive relationship. As for his wife, Isabella (Geraldine Fitzgerald) not at all.

Verdict: Heathcliff may not be violent but he is certainly a bad boy since he makes it his mission to ruin people’s lives who wronged him, including Catherine. Definitely not a guy to bring home.

7. Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy

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From: Pride and Prejudice, played by Sir Laurence Olivier

Is he criminally inclined? No.

Does he get along with family or friends? From what we know of, he tries to be nice to aunt and is very protective of his sister. Also, though he does make his friend Bingley break up with Jane, it wasn’t out of malicious intent.

Is he mentally stable? Most of the time unless you mention George Wickam.

Is he abusive or physically violent? He’s not violent or abusive at all. He doesn’t have a pleasant personality and isn’t the most tactful, however.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? For God’s sake he’s already stinking rich to begin with, probably doesn’t need one.

Is he worse than most of the cast? Well, in regards with social skills probably. Still, other than George Wickam, most of the cast consists of reasonably nice people.

Does he respect women? Absolutely, he knows a bad guy like George Wickam when he sees one even though he may not be the most socially inclined. Not to mention, he’s nice to Elizabeth Bennett (Greer Garson) and her family as well as everyone else.

Does he care about his love interest? Well, he does fall in love with Elizabeth Bennett and they do get married. Besides, he bailed out of an arranged marriage for her and doesn’t need to marry for money so a match with Elizabeth Bennett isn’t going to help him much. So yeah, he certainly cares about her.

Verdict: Though Mr. Darcy has an issue with rubbing people the wrong way, his biggest flaws are poor social skills and having an unpleasant personality. He isn’t a bad boy in the slightest and once you get to know him, you see that he’s a perfectly okay guy. So, ladies, it’s perfectly fine to swoon over him.

8. Hamlet

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From: Hamlet, played by Sir Laurence Olivier

Is he criminally inclined? Well, when it comes against his uncle, he may be. Oh, yeah, he does kill Polonius and Laertes.

Does he get along with family or friends? Only Horatio and maybe his servants and a few others. He doesn’t seem to get along with everyone else. Relations with his mom and uncle have been strained since his father died, his uncle took the throne and married his mother. As with Polonius, Laertes, and Ophelia, probably not.

Is he mentally stable? On a few things as it turns out, but he may just be pretending to be nuts most of the time.

Is he abusive or physically violent? Yes, he certainly is since he doesn’t say nice things to Gertrude or Ophelia and he does kill three people including a guy through a curtain. Also, he’s living in the Middle Ages.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? He’s a prince so he’s already born with one and keeping it isn’t really on his mind.

Is he worse than most of the cast? In regards to most of the cast, he’s facing pretty stiff competition.

Does he respect women? When he told Ophelia to “get thee to a nunnery” he may not have necessarily told her to go to a convent. Also, he says a lot of terrible things to his mom which probably goes to say he doesn’t really respect women much.

Does he care about his love interest? Remember he told Ophelia to “get thee to a nunnery.” Besides, I don’t think Laertes and Polonius believe so he probably doesn’t.

Verdict: Sure Hamlet may have issues with his family, but though he may not be the worst guy on the list, he’s still not boyfriend material.

9. Rhett Butler

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From: Gone With the Wind, played by Clark Gable

Is he criminally inclined? Well, he obviously gets rich in legally dubious ways. But he’s not inclined to do anything violent. Oh, wait.

Does he get along with family or friends? Well, he gets along well with his friends but not so much with his family. Spoils his daughter Bonnie like rotten though he tries to be a good dad. Also, him and Scarlett O’Hara (Vivien Leigh) have a tempestuous relationship but pretty much deserve each other. Still, when it comes to certain relationships, he tends to have the wrong ideas and can’t seem to handle Scarlett’s immaturity.

Is he mentally stable? Most of the time except when his daughter dies and when it comes to Scarlett’s association with Ashley Wilkes (Leslie Howard). He tends be a very jealous guy.

Is he abusive or physically violent? Well, he served in the war. Not to mention, he’s very prone to explode at times and may have raped Scarlett after Ashley’s birthday party and later pushed her down the stairs, which he felt bad about later.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? Well, he did serve in the Confederate army but joined up at the last minute. In the civilian world, I’m not sure if he ever tried.

Is he worse than most of the cast? In regards to race and the Old South, definitely not. Still, he’s pretty decent compared to some unsavory characters.

Does he respect women? In regards to women in general, he’s certainly very polite and courteous. Sure he may have his moments with Scarlett but he tries to be good to her.

Does he care about his love interest? Oh, my God, Scarlett is the love of his life and would do anything for her though he does eventually leave her. He’ll probably be back once she grows up a little.

Verdict: Rhett is an interesting case. Sure he may have his moments but he’s pretty repentant about them most of the time and  is mostly a decent guy but may not have much understanding about relationships. Still, the way he earns his money makes him a borderline criminal, is very prone to jealousy, and can have the tendency to explode. As far as I’m concerned he’s a toss up.

10. James Bond

From: The James Bond Franchise, mostly played by Sean Connery

Is he criminally inclined? Oh, yes, since he does many things in his job that would put many people in jail.

Does he get along with family or friends? We know nothing about his family but he does cooperate with his co-workers and secretary. Just as long as you don’t try to kill him.

Is he mentally stable? He doesn’t have the healthy lifestyle and may be pretty prone to self-destructive behavior. Then again, self-destructive tendencies make him perfectly suited for his job.

Is he abusive or physically violent? Only toward villains who try to do any harm to him most of the time. Kind of goes with his job.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? Well, as long as the job is a way to make good use of his criminal and self-destructive tendencies, which benefit society as a whole.

Is he worse than most of the cast? No, since he’s around people who are much worse than he is. As with the good guys, I’m not sure.

Does he respect women? Well, he’s nice to his female coworkers and most of his flings in the series are usually consensual. Furthermore he’s willing to save them from the bad guys. And will only take them on when he has a legitimate reason to. Sure he may be a playboy who goes for attractive women doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect them. Besides, many of his women are in his line of work so it’s not like they’re looking for a husband or anything so they probably know what to expect.

Does he care about his love interest? He certainly doesn’t just see them as mere gorgeous sex objects like the movies make them out to be. I mean he kind of does see them as human beings and doesn’t really care about their sexual pasts as well as rarely exhibits any abusive behavior. Not to mention, his love interests seem to know that their sexual relationship with Bond will be casual and short-lived and don’t seem to mind. Still, hookup culture may be an accepted norm in the intelligence community in Bond’s setting.

Verdict: Bond may not be someone you’d want in a committed relationship nor a great role model, but though he may be bad at least he admits it and most of the women he’s involved with know what they’re getting into. Still, if you’re looking for a one night stand, you can do plenty worse than 007. He may be a playboy but he’s certainly a gentleman, just don’t expect much from him relationship wise.

11. Johnny Strabler

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From: The Wild One, played by Marlon Brando

Is he criminally inclined? Yeah, but his crimes mostly range in stealing, vandalism, street harassment, and causing a public nuisance. He’s certainly a social deviant.

Does he get along with family or friends? Well, he’s good to his fellow gang members but there’s something about his rebelliousness that suggests he had a troubled childhood.

Is he mentally stable? Judging by the fact he rides a motorcycle without a helmet, you can say he does have a tendency for self-destructive behavior, which does come back to bite him. Also, his anger doesn’t help him much.

Is he abusive or physically violent? Well, he certainly doesn’t play well with others but he’s more violent to objects and rival gang members than regular townspeople.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? If he keeps up with his lifestyle he certainly will.

Is he worse than most of the cast? To some extent, yes, when it comes to the police blotter. But let’s just say members of the rival motorcycle gang in the film is far worse than him.

Does he respect women? Well, he really doesn’t have much respect for anyone. Still, he’s nice to Kathie and her dad’s a cop and rescues her.

Does he care about his love interest? Yes, he does care about Kathie and though he’s attracted to her, he know she’s better off without him and refuses to take her with him. But he does give her a stolen trophy to express his gratitude for all she’s done.

Verdict: Johnny may be a social deviant as well as fairly immature, but he’s mostly harmless other than that. Still, you wouldn’t let this guy date your daughter though. He’s probably a toss up.

12. Mr. Edward Rochester

From: Jane Eyre, played by Orson Welles

Is he criminally inclined? No, except in bigamy and possible domestic abuse but he lives in the 1800s.

Does he get along with family or friends? Well, he’s willing acknowledge paternal responsibility for a girl who may not be his. Of course, he keeps his wife in an attic. He seems all right with his servants and others and takes a special shine to Jane Eyre (Joan Fontaine).

Is he mentally stable? He might but he keeps his wife in his attic, which may spark considerable doubt on his sanity.

Is he abusive or physically violent? I’m not sure if keeping your wife in an attic qualifies as spousal abuse in the 1800s but it certainly does to me.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? He’s pretty rich so I don’t think he needs one.

Is he worse than most of the cast? Jane’s relatives and teachers were far worse to her than he was.

Does he respect women? Let’s just say he dated a girl just to make Jane jealous or throw off suspicion of his attraction to his governess. Not to mention, he tried to marry Jane even though he already had a wife she didn’t know about. Then there’s the keeping of his wife in the attic thing.

Does he care about his love interest? Let’s just say he probably loves Jane but I’m not sure if he cared about her happiness when he tried to marry her. He certainly didn’t tell her he was already married and kept his wife in the attic. Yet, she still goes back to him.

Verdict: Mr. Rochester may no be the worst guy around but he does have his share of selfishness and the whole keeping his wife in the attic thing. Not to mention, Jane could do better. I’ll just put him at toss up.

13. Clyde Barrow

From: Bonnie and Clyde, played by Warren Beatty

Is he criminally inclined? Yes, and a very notorious one at that who’s even done prison time. The real Clyde Barrow was very much this as well. Said to be a careless and remorseless killer in pursuit of small stakes.

Does he get along with family or friends? Oh, he certainly does get along with his brother and sister-in-law. And he seems pretty decent to Bonnie Parker (Faye Dunaway) as well as fellow criminals and others. In real life, he also had close relationships with his mother and sister. Yet, he wasn’t sympathetic to the dispossessed though and hated cops.

Is he mentally stable? Well, let’s just say he’s very prone to inciting violence and has self-destructive tendencies. Not to mention, he was known for speeding Ford V-8s (even writing to Henry Ford about his appreciation for them).

Is he abusive or physically violent? Well, he’s certainly violent all right.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? If he had one, he certainly would.

Is he worse than most of the cast? Well, he’s a violent criminal who robs banks so I’d say so even if he is portrayed sympathetically. Him and Bonnie weren’t saints.

Does he respect women? When it comes to “his women” he might as in real life. Yet,  outside his circle doesn’t seem to respect anyone else. In real life, Clyde mostly called the shots and Bonnie went along.

Does he care about his love interest? Both in the film and in real life it’s hard to say whether him and Bonnie were really in love or that Bonnie was willing to tag along because she might have had a mental disorder that made her attracted to serious violent men remains questionable. As for Clyde’s sexual orientation, there’s considerable evidence he was reasonably straight.

Verdict: No matter what you make of it. Both in real life and in cinema, Clyde was certainly a guy you didn’t want to be around at all.

14. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

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From: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, played by Paul Newman and Robert Redford

Are they criminally inclined? Oh, yes, both rob trains and banks as well as kill people. Butch engages in prostitution. But they usually try to avoid killing as much as they could.

Do they get along with family or friends? As long as those people aren’t cops. Yet, they pretty much get along with their friends and Sundance’s girlfriend Etta Place.

Are they mentally stable? Well, let’s just say their sanity is questionable since they tend to expose themselves to danger a lot. And they do eventually get killed. In real life, we’re not so sure.

Are they abusive or physically violent? Well, they shoot people and blow up trains so they’re certainly violent.

Do they have trouble keeping a legal job? They tried to do legitimate work once, it didn’t take.

Are they worse than most of the cast? It’s hard to say since the film is so subjective.

Do they respect women? As far as we know they do since they’re pretty nice to Etta and respect whatever decision she makes.

Do they care about their love interests? Well, they care enough about Etta to respect her decisions even if it doesn’t work in their favor. Still, though she is Sundance’s girl (or wife in real life), Butch may have the hots for her.

Verdict: Sure there could be worse guys than Butch and Sundance, but understand that these guys were criminals and had a gang called “The Wild Bunch” or “Hole In the Wall Gang” and they rob and shoot people.

15. The Jets and the Sharks

From: West Side Story, played by too many guys I can’t list

Are they criminally inclined? Oh, yes, they’re classified delinquents and get in knife fights to kill.

Do they get along with family or friends? I’m not sure about family but they do get along with each other and their girlfriends. Tony from the Jets takes a special shine to Maria, the Sharks gang leader’s little sister.

Are they mentally stable? Well, they’re prone to self-destruction, but it’s hard to say.

Are they abusive or physically violent? Well, they have knife fights with each other that result in deaths so yeah, they’re pretty violent.

Do they have trouble keeping a legal job? Only Tony is ever seen doing any legitimate work but he may have trouble keeping it. Most are supported by their girlfriends, at least among the Sharks.

Are they worse than most of the cast? They are most of the cast.

Do they respect women? It’s hard to say since we never see any of the Jets with their girlfriends besides Tony. Sharks may seem pretty jarring to theirs and I’m not sure if Bernardo knows Maria is seeing Tony. Not to mention, Tony eventually kills him. It’s complicated.

Do they care about their love interests? Tony and Bernardo seem to but once again, it’s complicated.

Verdict: These guys are probably bad news since they get into fights with each other and into knife fights. Best be avoided at all times.

16. Colin Smith

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From: The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner, played by Tom Courtenay (This isn’t a Hollywood movie but it’s a very famous one in Britain so it counts.)

Is he criminally inclined? To an extent but mostly when he’s desperate for money. He does land in juvee though.

Does he get along with family or friends? Gets along with friends and siblings but his relationship with his mother has been going downhill ever since his father died.

Is he mentally stable? As mentally stable as most normal teenagers. He just wants to be a kid.

Is he abusive or physically violent? Not really violent and abusive only when he’s angry.

Does he have trouble keeping a legal job? His mother puts him under a lot of pressure to get one but he lacks motivation. Yet, he may have no trouble being a professional runner but he doesn’t want that.

Is he worse than most of the cast? Since many of his peers are juvenile delinquents like him, it’s very complicated to say.

Does he respect women? To an extent, I suppose. Doesn’t have much respect for authority though.

Does he care about his love interest? Well, he does have a girlfriend and spends time with her. We don’t know much of the extent of that relationship though.

Verdict: Colin just wants to be a normal teenager and do what he wants with his life. Though he may be a juvenile delinquent, he’s not much of a social deviant as what you’d expect from most teens living in the inner cities. He stole money because his mother wouldn’t let him in the house if he didn’t get any. In short, he kind of makes Charlie Brown look pretty fortunate.