The Importance of Black History

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 26, 2014

February has always been known as Black History Month in which we honor African American history and heritage as well as the achievements and accomplishments of many black American notables. However, after seeing the PBS documentary on African American History called The African Americans: Many Rivers to Cross, somehow I don’t think devoting a month to black history doesn’t really do any justice. Though Black History Month mainly exists to add diversity to a white male-dominated historical narrative that has become known as American History. Now I am not advocating a White History Month because we all know too well the great history and accomplishments of white Americans. Yet, in many ways, African American history is just as important in the American historical narrative because even if you’re not black, much of it still helps define who we are as a nation, especially in racial relations.

Sure African Americans have been a marginalized people and subject to racism ever since they were brought to America as slaves during the 1600s. Yet, this is a group that not only overcame slavery and segregation but also had great influence on much of our popular music to this day as well as made other accomplishments. Blacks have fought for our country in many of the major US wars just like any other groups of soldiers even in the days of slavery and segregation. African music influences have given rise to genres like jazz, blues, R&B, rock, gospel, hip-hop, and others, which have plenty of fans and imitators worldwide of all skin tones and cultures. For instance, American blues music has always been big in the UK while some of the earliest rock n’ roll musicians were African Americans. The American Civil Rights Movement was not only started by African Americans but also inspired plenty of other demonstrations throughout the nation and worldwide and continues to do so. So it’s no wonder Martin Luther King Jr. was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts. Then we have African American scientists like George Washington Carver (who helped start peanut agriculture), Percy Julian (a chemist who pioneered synthesizing drugs from plants), Charles Drew (who helped start the blood bank), Benjamin Banneker (helped survey Washington D.C. and authored a series of successful almanacs), and Ruth Ella Moore (worked on blood grouping and enterobacteriaceae). We also have African American authors like Langston Hughes (who was also gay), Zora Neale Hurston (also social scientist), Alice Walker, Richard Wright, and others.

However, our African American history also show that the US was never the perfect country and shows how racism is still one of our nation’s great sins as well as a threat to liberty and prosperity, especially when you add poverty in the mix. We need to understand that even when our Founders sought to create a new nation conceived in liberty, much of the African American population was still left out wearing the chains of slavery. Free blacks weren’t much better either and could end up as slaves as well. African Americans fought in two world wars while still a people subjected to the Jim Crow Law and segregation with many subjected to disenfranchisement (under such methods like the Grandfather Clause and the poll tax) and were targets of racial violence in the South (many of which are crimes that went unpunished). Even today with a black president, blacks are still subject to racism, especially blacks living in poverty who get the brunt of it. Poor blacks are more likely to face jail time than any other group as well as be subjected to harsh disciplinary measures at school, and be victims of gun violence, especially under Florida’s Stand Your Ground which is a disaster. They are also very likely to be shamed for their poverty as well as for seeking public assistance. Of course, African Americans still face discrimination in the job market, in the healthcare system, and in other fields. And for a long time in the classroom, their history was considered less important and a significant portion has been left out of the narrative.

Furthermore, black history is important in America because it helps reaffirm the American premise that anything is possible. Time after time, African Americans have showed us how a people can rise from slaves to participating citizens who elected one of their own as president. Sure they may have had help from benevolent white people, but in some ways they did manage to stick up for themselves and for what was right. There may have been white abolitionists during the antebellum years, but the anti-slavery movement didn’t have much teeth until a former slave named Frederick Douglass came along. And it was African Americans who led the Civil Rights Movement. Still, like it or not, African Americans have made history which has affected their lives but ours as well and we need to honor that. So perhaps instead of dedicating a whole month to black history, maybe we should include African American history in the same historical curriculum in schools since blacks have played a key role in American History which should be respected.

Never Judge a Book by Its Cover- Well, Most of the Time

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 25, 2014

Since last week, I have sent my manuscript for Cascade to a few independent publishers and have yet to hear from them. As of right now, I’ve sent it to six in which four have reported on receiving my submission. Yet, in the meantime, perhaps I can brush upon the importance of presentation. Of course, we’ve been told not to judge a book by its cover, but sadly many would-be buyers do since the title and cover design do have significant marketing value. I can go on with all the great presentation with the book titles and covers that sell, but it would be boring so I’m posting the titles and covers which would turn off potential buyers or at least make the book seem like a joke. Also, these are unintentionally hilarious. Still, at least I have the title covered. So without further adieu, here’s a collection of book design fails that you don’t want to miss. (I’m using covers from mainstream publishing not vanity or self-published stuff on Amazon because it wouldn’t be funny.) Some of this content may not be safe for work.

1. Still Stripping After 25 Years by Eleanor Burns

Seems like a sprightly old lady doesn’t she? Also, I’m sure women who’ve been stripping for 25 years look more or less like one of those women on Real Housewives but significantly poorer.

Please don’t be somebody’s grandma.

2. The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories by Alisa Surkis and Monica Nolan

I mean c’mon, please. I’m there are equine enthusiasts who happen to be lesbians but I’m not sure if they’d be into such a story.

For those who couldn’t get enough of Lynne Cheney’s western erotic lesbian novel Sisters.

3. Men with Balls: The Professional Athlete’s Handbook by Drew Magary

You know the title and the image sort of have a double meaning because all men have two balls in a sack but they don’t consist of a a soccer or basketball.

You know there are women professional athletes but I don’t think Women with Balls went so well.

4. Cooking with Poo by Saiwuud Diwong

Also, what’s with the shitty title? Still, looks like a normal ethnic cookbook. Wonder what her PBS cooking show would be like.

Either it consists of burning it or using it as an ingredient. I don’t want to know.

5. The Best Dad Is a Good Lover by Dr. Charlie Shedd

Seems like a relationship advice book for single mothers. Let’s sure as hell hope it is because I have a squicky feeling about the title.

As long as your dad and lover aren’t the same person in your life.

6. The Loneliest Ho in the World written by Travis Heaton and illustrated by Gary Andrews

In the adult book world The Loneliest Ho in the World would be about something not so innocent. Moreover, it wouldn’t have anything to do with Christmas.

This was probably created on a bet to see if who can come up with the most unintentionally inappropriate title for a children’s book.

7. Knitting with Dog Hair by Kendall Crolius and Anne Montgomery

Besides, I don’t think knitting with your dog’s hair is possible unless it’s one of those long haired sheep dogs.

I don’t think Fido is impressed with his new hat.

8. Goodbye Testicles by Anne Welsh Guy

Guaranteed to incite horrors among young boys worried about getting their balls cut off. Also, one of the few children’s books having the word “testicles” on the cover.

Just what I need for my younger cousins. A book about why we need to spay and neuter our pets.

9. Autism’s Politics and Political Factions: A Commentary by Thomas D. Taylor

In some ways, this is kind of offensive to people who actually have autism as well as a disappointment to gun enthusiasts.

Yet, you wouldn’t know it from the picture of the multi-barreled antique pistol shown.

10. Papa’s Problem: A Novel by Patrick Kendrick

And this got a Florida book award. Why, Florida? Why?

Let me guess, he owns a homicidal neo-Nazi rooster.

11. Isabella’s Last Gift by Laura Lawrence

Seriously what’s with the penguins among igloos and evergreens? They live in Antarctica, goddammit!

Either this is a romance novel or a children’s book involving penguins.

12. Sleeping with a Wall Street Banker by Marlene Morgan

Makes Wall Street Bankers seem a little on the homicidal side these days.

Looks like a fanfic spinoff of American Psycho to me.

13. Power of Positivity by Fred L. Von Guten O. D.

Looks more appropriate for a Gothic horror story than anything or a sci-fi fantasy book.

Yeah, that cover sure looks pretty positive doesn’t it?

14. Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Takes all the dramatic tension out of it. And believe me, I read this book in high school.

I know this book is depicting the scene when Raskolnikov murders the heartless pawnbroker but I think it’s best left to the imagination.

15. Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum

Those who are living under a rock will be very disappointed when they find out this isn’t a science fiction story akin to Star Wars.

Wow, didn’t know that Oz had fighter jets.

16. Computer Programs for the Kitchen by Terrence F. Dicker

Oh, and you sure wouldn’t be able to find recipes on that model which looks older than I am.

As if computer programs are really necessary for cooking.

17. Computer Sex Input by Deena Cross

Now we know how Robocop was conceived. Good God.

A computer-woman romance novel. Now I’ve seen everything.

18. Tarzan by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Hmm….Tarzan and monkey in cave alone with a bow and arrow stash. Wonder whether the monkey will either be eaten or worse.

Tarzan looks a little too friendly with that monkey.

19. It’s Easy to Play Classical Themes arranged by Cyril Watters

I don’t like the look of this set up. Seems like Beethoven has something dirty on his mind with that kid on his lap.

I don’t think you should trust Beethoven with your kids. You really shouldn’t.

20. The BIG Coloring Book of Vaginas written and illustrated by Morgan Hastings

Of course, I’ve heard about The Vagina Monologues but this is ridiculous. No way in hell do I want to give this to any kid.

Worst coloring book idea ever.

21. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

And boy would many guys be disappointed once reading it, or not.

I’m not sure if this book depicts a naked girl or not. Is probably appearing there to get a certain demographic who’d read anything with a naked woman on the cover.

22. Ooozing for My Lord by Betty Carolyn Hearon-Love

Looks like it if you’re jerking off for Jesus. Sorry but if there’s any seemingly inappropriate connotations in the title for anything to do with Christianity, I’m putting it on there, baby.

So does this mean that masturbation is okay now?

23. How Green Were the Nazis? Nature, Environment, and Nation in the Third Reich edited by Franz-Joseph Bruggemeir, Mark Cioc, and Thomas Zeller

Not that I’d want to anyway because they were among the most brutal people who ever existed. So I’d really don’t care how they’d treat Bambi.

Well, other than starting a world war, a series of death camps for certain demographics, and a construction plan designed by a guy with massive delusions of grandeur, I really wouldn’t know how green the Nazis were.

24. Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself by Dale Power

Also, it’s quite easy to make a coffin. Just make a man-sized wooden box and put a dead body in it.

Those look pretty expensive to make. Besides, I don’t think these were made by amateurs.

25. Unlocking Your Bowels for Better Health by Salem Kirban

The cover says “Twentieth century living has taken a toll on man’s elimination organs. This book reveals how to restore normal healthy function again!” Wow and I thought it was about pooping and BDSM!

Somehow the lock and chain is a metaphor for constipation.

26. Do It Rhino Style: Magrogan’s Method to Rapid Goal Achievement by Dave Magrogan with Molly Nece

Besides, I don’t like the look of this guy. Seems like a member of an organized crime syndicate to me.

Not sure if this is a self-help book or a sex manual.

27. Zombie Raccoons and Killer Bunnies edited by Martin H. Greenberg and Kerrie Hughes

Only the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch can stop these critters now. Seriously, I can’t talk about this cover without bringing up Monty Python jokes up. Of course, raccoons do spread rabies though.

Oh, I think Monty Python killed the effect of this title as far as the killer bunnies go. “What’s it gonna do? Nibble my bum?”

28. The Scarlet Pimpernel by Baroness Orczy

Of course, he could be a time traveler and use this as a cover nowadays.

I’m sure the Scarlet Pimpernel was a 18th century caper saving French aristocrats from the French Revolutionary rabble, not a contemporary businessman with a cat.

29. The Practical Pyromaniac by William Gurstelle

Wonder how many arsons this book inspired. Perhaps this is a go-to guide for arsonists.

Great, now a book about setting things on fire.

30. How to Shit in the Woods by Kathleen Meyer

Of course, the cover seems to say it all. All you need is a roll of toilet paper and a shovel as well as some place where the sun doesn’t shine on your ass.

A great book to take on any long term hiking trip with no bathrooms along the way.

31. The Beginner’s Guide to Sex in the Afterlife

Of course, this make perfect sense if you believe in that sort of thing.

As if you’ll be having sex after you’re dead. Seriously who writes this shit?

32. Games You Can Play with Your Pussy: And Lots of Other Stuff Cat Owners Should Know

Of course, I don’t see how you could play chess with your cat. Also, the title is so inappropriate.

This is for cat owners, not female masturbators.

33. Scouts in Bondage by Geoffrey Prout

And this is an old children’s book to add to the irony. Really, the cover seems kind of gay and disturbing.

Now I wonder why the Boy Scouts seem so homophobic. Course, there seems to be plenty of BDSM sexual action as far as the cover shows.

34. Anybody Can Be Cool…But Awesome Takes Practice by Lorraine Peterson

Seriously, this looks like some sort of 1990s stock photograph or something. Written by the woman of If God Loves Me, Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open?

I’m sure the teenagers posing for the obligatory diversity shot certainly didn’t want to be seen with the blond douche.

35. The Sinner’s Guide to Natural Family Planning by Simcha Fisher

One of the most sexually explicit Christian book covers I’ve ever seen. I mean the two naked people are literally having sex in church which is okay if you’re straight married and not using artificial birth control as far as this book is concerned.

I’m sure the priest in the confessional is not too happy since he probably won’t be getting any.

36. Under the Mantle: Marian Thoughts from a 21st Century Priest by Donald H. Calloway MIC

Also, the sunglasses and surfboard really don’t help things either. Seriously, who gets away with this shit?

I think this priest needs a better title for his book, preferably one without the sexual connotations. I mean he’s supposed to be celibate here.

37. Little Bobby’s Drunk Again by Herbert Biddleman

Sure hope Bobby doesn’t get liver cirrhosis at a young age. Or worse. Also, who the hell is giving him drinks?

Is this a children’s book about juvenile alcoholism or what? Seriously who writes this shit?

38. The Princess Bride by William Goldman

The cover depicts something you’d see from an erotic sci-fi novel, not what inspired a family friendly fantasy film.

I’m sure Buttercup was never a Sucubus. Seriously.

39. How to Make Money in Your Spare Time by 673126 (Note: author’s pen name)

I mean just look at the author’s name. It’s his prison number for Christ’s sake.

Okay, there are plenty of good ways to make money in your spare time. Being a hitman isn’t one of them.

40. Cooking to Kill: the Poison Cook Book concocted by Prof. Ebenezer Murgatroyd with comic drawings by Herb Roth

This would’ve came in handy for those two sweet little old ladies in Brooklyn, you know, the ones who poisoned old gentlemen callers through the elderberry wine.

Just add salt, pepper, and good old fashioned arsenic.

41. How to Avoid Huge Ships by Captain John W. Trimmer

Of course, in some situations at sea, you might want to welcome the presence of a huge ships. At least they’re one of the nice things to see in the remotest corner of civilization.

Great, something everyone needs if they’re a fugitive at sea.

42. They Did It with Horses a scrapbook of photos from the Philip Weber Collection

Anyone anticipating pictures of people having sex with horses will be sincerely disappointed looking in this one.

Sure the cover of a horse drawn carriage is nice but the title is mildly suggestive of bestiality.

43. Down Home Gynecology by Dr. Martin and Mary Sue Jaffee

And what’s with the naked woman silhouette on the cover? Jesus Christ!

Sorry, but I don’t want to know how I can do my own pap smear.

44. How to Succeed in Business without a Penis: Secrets and Strategies for the Working Woman by Karen Salmonsohn

Of course, this is a book for the working woman, not the working eunuch who may not have a penis either.

Sheryl Sandberg may not be the most reliable self-help guru to women in the workplace but at least she chose a better title than this woman.

45. Teach Your Wife to Be a Widow by Donald I. Rogers

Of course, if you teach your wife to be a widow, she may become a black widow if you succeed.

Such a sexist piece of advice from the 1950s.

46. How to Get a Teenage Boy & What to Do with Him When You Get Him by Ellen Peck

The go-to guide for all Mrs. Robinsons everywhere. For instance, make sure he’s 18 or else you may risk being arrested on statutory rape.

Surely the girl on this cover surely doesn’t look like a teenager.

47. The Torture Device Coloring Book by Erik C. Ruhling

Hey, at least it doesn’t have any sex organs you can color. Still, this is disturbing. Torture devices, seriously?

A coloring book only Dick Cheney would love.

48. Are Your Children Playing with Lucifer’s Testicles? The Truth about Easter Eggs by Dr. Daniel Cameroon

Fundamentalist Christians: Taking the fun out of everything since, well, ever. At least the Puritans drank and smoked for God’s sake. Next thing they’ll say is that Christmas is too pagan or something like that.

Now out of all the Christian titles I’ve seen this one is totally fucked up. I mean the guy’s talking about the sinfulness of Easter eggs for God’s sake!

49. Matilda Who Told Lies and Was Burned to Death written by Hillaire Belloc and illustrated by Steven Kellogg

Seriously guaranteed to make children shit in their pants and never tell a lie again. Yeah, right.

Hmm…makes A Series of Unfortunate Events more upbeat for some reason.

50. Virgin Heat by Laurence Shames

I mean what else could a cute little kitty in a ring of fire could mean metaphorically? Or something about a virgin getting horny for someone.

Makes me wonder that what inspired June Carter Cash to write “Ring of Fire” was a yeast infection.

51. The Doom Pussy by Elaine Shepard

What do you mean it’s about Vietnam? I sure as hell wouldn’t know.

This has to be porn. Really, this has a very dirty title.

52. Unanswered Prayers by Penny Richards

Seriously, there’s nothing romantic having a couple pose framed at a crotch shot. It’s disgusting. Really disgusting.

Sure there’s nothing more romantic than having a picture of someone’s crotch on the cover.

53. Coyote’s Big Penis and Other Stories by Guy Mount

Seems like this whole cover appears unintentionally dirty for some reason. I don’t know why.

Isn’t the cover kind of suggestive here? You don’t need phallic imagery to tell us the coyote has a giant dong.

54. Got Cancer? Spring Break Gone Bad by James J. Gaudio

Hey, if this book doesn’t have anything about making meth, then I don’t want to read it. I’ve already seen Breaking Bad you know.

Read this guy was a chemistry teacher before he got cancer. I’m not naming names but who does he kind of remind you of?

55. Microwave for One by Sonia Allison

Still, at least the food would be better for you than ramen noodles and on a budget. This is pretty lame, though.

Because there’s more to microwave cooking than ramen noodles.

56. Invisible Dick by Frank Topham

Just so you know, dick is a boy, not a penis.

Now this is a children’s book that will incite a lot of shits and giggles.

57. The Long Journey of Mr. Poop by Angele Delanouis and Marie Lafrance

Seriously, why is a turd carrying a handbag and wearing a beret? Also, why does it have legs?

Great, now a children’s book about poop. Really shows how bad children’s book authors would go for creative ideas.

58. Forth on the Atari: Learning by Using Forth by E. Floegel

I’m sure a lot a people will be disappointed that the game won’t have as much eroticism than the cover. I mean, judging the contents of Atari games.

Who knew that 1980s video games can be so kinky? Neither did I.

59. Dump Him Marry the Cat

Of course, there’s another book called Dump Her Marry the Dog but I haven’t seen it.

I’m sure Mr. Whiskers would be happy to settle for a human woman and not anyone of his own species.

60. The Little People by John Christopher

I’m sure anyone who’s Jewish shouldn’t dare go after one in hopes of getting its pot of gold. Instead, find a Nazi leprechaun and a Jew may find him or herself in a concentration camp.

A novel on Nazi Leprechauns, now I’ve seen everything. Good God.

Jimmy Fallon introduces The Beatles to social media (and selfie Sunday!) — VIDEO

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 25, 2014

This is so funny. Didn’t know they had social media in the 1960s. Why wasn’t I informed of this?

Hail to the Chief US Presidential Portraits

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 17, 2014

Since Presidents’ Day is around the corner, I thought it would be best to commemorate the occasion with a list of presidential artwork as much as the eye could see. Since the US constitution was ratified, we had a string of forty-three US presidents who left their mark of leadership on this country for good and for ill. Of course, I could go all day including the official presidential portraits but that would be boring. Instead, I’ll go for a much more interesting fare, something not much presidential and more in a non-traditional manner. So without further adieu, here is your updated gallery of presidential portraits like you’ve never seen them before.

1. George Washington- See the Father of Our Country juxtaposed with the Terminator and, yes, he will be back.

He may be first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen, but he will certainly lead a revolution on your ass with that gun of his.

2. John Adams- Caught writing in the margins of his books. Too bad he didn’t use pencil instead.

Still, I hope it’s not a book he’ll have to return to the library. Because he’ll have to pay for it for being defaced.

3. Thomas Jefferson- Here he is showing the Declaration of Independence in front of gorillas.

Of course, gorillas can’t read and wouldn’t understand what the Declaration of Independence would mean.

4. James Madison- In Lord of War wearing a regular suit. Granted he’s actually one of our nation’s most underrated presidents and Father of our Constitution.

Would’ve been better if there were a burning White House in the background but I kind of had to make do. Of course, British did set fire to the White House during his presidency I kid you not.

5. James Monroe- Carrying ham for dinner. Of course, he did issue the Monroe Doctrine, too, and was very popular in his day that they call his term “The Era of Good Feelings.” Also, I’ve actually visited his grave, by the way, which is in a cage.

Though he was a significant president, his tomb kind of seems hardly what you’d expect from a former US president. Still, he’s interred in a cage.

6. John Quincy Adams- Sporting long white mutton chops like a senior citizen werewolf. Kind of intense, too.

Hey, at least I didn’t post a picture of Anthony Hopkins playing him in Amistad. Also, he liked to swim in the nude and has his clothes snatched by a reporter.

7. Andrew Jackson- No alien should want to get in a duel with him.

It’s said that he had such a filthy mouth that his pet parrot had to be removed from his funeral. Also, had a reputation for being rather aggressive and played dirty politics. Not to mention, some of his policies were highly questionable such as nixing the US Bank and Indian Removal.

8. Martin Van Buren- His hairstyle is to die for, especially if it’s in funky colors.

Will always be remembered for his facial hair but was hardly a remarkable president.

9. William Henry Harrison- Though the hero of Tippecanoe, he was only president for 30 days before succumbing to a pneumonia. Also, ran a false campaign saying he was born in a log cabin though his dad had signed The Declaration of Independence.Still, I wouldn’t say he was an attractive fellow with his long schnozz.

Well, what can I say, the man was dead in thirty days? Note: Don’t plan on reciting a long inauguration speech on a rainy day.

10. John Tyler- This is a picture of him in his younger years. Not bad. However, he’d go on to be universally hated by everyone in his party during his presidency but at least he kind of helped establish who takes over after the president dies. Fathered 15 kids with his youngest daughter living into the Truman administration as well as betrayed his country towards the end for the Confederacy. I’ve seen his grave as well, I think.

By his physical description, I’m sure his kids made good with his genetics. Still, many did consider him a turd though. And his grave has a bust of him. Known to be the first guy to declare himself president after his predecessor died which cleared up matters tremendously.

11. James K. Polk- Depicted as a zombie. Granted we did have the Mexican War under him as well as gained a great deal of territory. Did everything he said he would, unlike many presidents.

Has a voracious appetite for brains, usually consisting of dead soldiers from the Mexican Wars. Of course, they weren’t the freshest around by that time.

12. Zachary Taylor- On a very bad hair day. I mean Old Rough and Ready is more like Old Fluff and Ready.

And does he look gorgeous in that fro? And how. Sadly, he died a little over a year in office.

13. Millard Fillmore- With the Shepard Fairey treatment. Still, this guy had a lot of quirks, signed the Fugitive Slave Act, and helped found The Know Nothing Party which was nativist and Anti-Catholic.

Yet, he was a Whig even though he’s said to be a complete weirdo and/or turd.

14. Franklin Pierce- Depicted as a snazzy redhead. Known for having the first Christmas Tree in the White House. However, was seen as a pro-slavery Democrat from New Hampshire, a drunk, and one of the worst presidents ever. The fact he saw Bleeding Kansas under his presidency doesn’t help matters either.

Of course, he did have nice hair, even though he was a terrible president from the Granite State. Said to have fallen off his horse during the Mexican Wars as well as a hero “of many a well fought bottle.” Still, a very deeply unlucky man.

15. James Buchanan- Sure he’s from Pennsylvania and might’ve been gay, but he’s one of the worst presidents we ever had whose administration oversaw the United States divided in two. Also, though unmarried, wasn’t very attractive.

Said to have been sent to Russia so no one would have to deal with him. Last words were “History will vindicate me.” It didn’t. Considered the worst president and an embarrassment to Pennsylvania (besides Tom Corbett).

16. Abraham Lincoln- The Great Emancipator rides a bear carrying an AK-47.

Of course, this is a guy with a whole list of presidential accomplishments and might be considered the best. Just wait until they see his Gettysburg Address.

Of course, this is a guy with a whole list of presidential accomplishments and might be considered the best who helped free the slaves and save the Union through whatever means necessary. His role in winning it made the US a stronger nation than before in the long term. Just wait until they see his Gettysburg Address.

17. Andrew Johnson- Doesn’t look very happy. A self-made man and Southern Unionist, he didn’t care much for Southern aristocrats or blacks either so he wasn’t a fan of Reconstruction. Was impeached for firing a cabinet member and since the Radical Republicans simply didn’t like him, but survived by just one vote.

Believe it or not his wife (who he married as a teenager) taught him to read and write. He may have shared some of Lincoln's views but had none of his warm personality.

Believe it or not his wife (who he married as a teenager) taught him to read and write (who he probably owes much of his career to for he wouldn’t have gone very far without her). He may have shared some of Lincoln’s views but had none of his warm personality. Of course, my eastern Tennessee ancestors would’ve shared attitudes similar to him since I had a 3rd great grandfather from Tennessee who fought for the Union (along with a few of his brothers).

18. Ulysses S. Grant- Seen here with sunglasses and a can of Folgers after a night getting drunk on just two drinks (actually it was his cigar smoking that killed him). Still, he was a masterful military general who was ahead of his time (him and Sherman are said to be the first 20th century generals) who did win the US Civil War. Also, was said to be a very well liked president despite it being the 1870s who traveled the world after leaving office, wrote an autobiography, as well as one of the biggest presidential funerals ever. Not to mention, he has awesome tomb in New York my mom didn’t know even existed.

Of course, Grant probably didn’t wear sunglasses but he sure could’ve used them. Still, if I ever get the chance to go to New York City, I will visit his tomb. Held a lot of modern views and aggressively treated the KKK as the terrorists they were.

19. Rutherford B. Hayes- Seen as a weary old man with an awesome long beard. Won the presidency by just one vote and didn’t serve any booze in the White House. Had nine kids with his wife who he met in college (really and they both had graduated, too).

Still, he’s better remembered in Paraguay. Not mention, his ending of Reconstruction had a lot of negative repercussions for blacks (like segregation). Called “Rutherfraud” or “His Fraudulency” by his enemies.

20. James A. Garfield- Not to be confused with the cat, this guy was best known for being shot at the train station by a disgruntled office seeker. Could’ve been saved if if he had been treated by modern medicine and if Alexander Graham Bell’s metal detector had found the bullet. Awesome beard though.

They said he may have made a decent president, if he hadn’t have gotten shot. Still, he was right to refuse the guy who would eventually kill him since the man was crazy.

21. Chester A. Arthur- The president with the awesome whiskers who brought down the spoils system after being a beneficiary of it almost all his life (of course, since his predecessor was shot by a disgruntled office seeker, it’s understandable why he’d change his position).

Also said to be a natty dresser and work six hour days. However, he did get a lot done in his term. Not to mention, there were rumors about him being born in Canada which are certainly not true (he was born in Vermont). Didn’t serve a second term because of his health but he was rather popular in his lifetime.

22 & 24. Grover Cleveland- Depicted as a Sesame Street character. Served 2 non-consecutive terms, married his ward in the White House, admitted he fathered an illegitimate child (more like taking one for the team), and was said to be underrated according to Libertarians (odd for a Democrat but he’s said to oppose unions). Also, his daughter had a candy bar named after her called the Baby Ruth (according to some but probably not).

Contrary to the name and picture, Grover Cleveland has nothing to do with Sesame Street or Ohio.

23. Benjamin Harrison- Grandson of William Henry Harrison and was probably elected because of his awesome beard. However, he and his wife were afraid of electricity and he had such an icy personality that Cleveland was voted back in.Seen on a horse in his Civil War years.

Then again, Cleveland was a draft dodger while he actually fought. Also was called “The Human Iceberg.” Had two possums named Mr. Protection and Mr. Reciprocity.

25. William McKinley- President during the Spanish American War and the first year of the 20th century. Appointed Teddy Roosevelt as his vice president so his party members could keep him out of the way. After winning reelection, gets assassinated by an anarchist. Here’s his campaign poster.

Prosperity for the 1% anyway yet he did help the US achieve world power status. Ironically was assassinated next to an X-Ray machine that could’ve saved his life.

26. Teddy Roosevelt- Hunts Bigfoot and shoots him dead.

And this is why no one has ever found Bigfoot. Still, he’s one of the most badass presidents ever with long list of accomplishments and a colorful personality and family to boot. Has a cuddly toy named after him.

27. William Howard Taft- Had a rather disappointing administration as far as Teddy Roosevelt is concerned that he ran against him on the Progressive Party during 1912. Best known for being so fat to get stuck in a bath tub and having to install a new one which could fit 4 people. Became Chief Justice of the Supreme Court after leaving office.

And here’s him eating Valentine’s Day chocolates from his White House bathtub. Would’ve been easier to design a shower stall instead.

28. Woodrow Wilson- Stern, racist, and intellectual, he was a visionary for formation of the United Nations and help start the Federal Reserve (you’d have to give him credit on that). Not to mention, he did try to have Germany be treated decently (Germany getting the shaft was Clemenceau’s not Wilson’s). Also, led our country during WWI and his administration saw women getting the right to vote for the first time as well as the beginning of Prohibition and income tax. Wasn’t one of the best presidents but hardly one of the worst.

The League of Nations was actually one of his good ideas. Yet, this wasn’t well received in the US and the Senate refused member recognition.

29. Warren G. Harding- Smoked and partied at the White House. Administration oversaw Teapot Dome (the worst US political scandal before Watergate, which oversaw the incarceration of a US cabinet member). Had mistresses but probably fathered no illegitimate children (he was sterile contrary to what Boardwalk Empire says). Dies three years in under mysterious circumstances.

Probably unfit to be president and all too trusting. Yet, his personal habits with alcohol did show how Prohibition was a bad idea. Oh, but it was the 1920s.

30. Calvin Coolidge- Sworn in by his old man (a justice of the peace) while staying in his New England home. Was so laissez-faire that his economic policies might’ve been responsible for the Stock Market Crash of 1929 (which might make him a grandfather of Reaganomics but not in a good way). Was a man of few words who didn’t let his wife wear pants.

Sure, he may be one of the nice silent types, but he did help make the Roaring Twenties roar. However, his opposition to granting federal aid in all forms ended, especially when he should’ve. Not to mention, signed a racist immigration policy.

31. Herbert Hoover- Of course, while seen as a very smart man with an equally smart wife who can speak Chinese as well as seen a great humanitarian during the 1920s, he was a fairly lousy president given the circumstances. I mean the Great Depression happened under his watch and what he did do didn’t amount to much (with the exception of Hoover Dam).

In some ways, he’s kind of the Republican’s version of Jimmy Carter. Of course, he might have done all right but just didn’t have the knack of taking a grasp of the situation in his term. He’s proof that sometimes businessmen don’t make good presidents.

32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt- Encapsulated in a transformer so who wants to mess with him now?

Forget Captain America, I want FDR Prime on my side. Take that Hitlertron! Besides, many of his New Deal policies are still around today and he did help lead our country into World War II. Also, had King George VI eat a hotdog.

33. Harry S. Truman- Here one of our great self-made men and ultimate smart aleck sports a zoot suit to emphasize that “The buck stops here, Daddy-O.”

The only president to use nuclear weapons. He helped implement the Marshall Plan as well as fire MacArthur (which needed to be done). "The Dewey Defeats Truman" headline is particularly ironic (since he pounded the guy by a landslide for being much more likeable.)

The only president to use nuclear weapons. He helped implement the Marshall Plan, desegregate the military, as well as fire MacArthur (which needed to be done). “The Dewey Defeats Truman” headline is particularly ironic (since he pounded the guy by a landslide for being much more likeable.)

34. Dwight D. Eisenhower- Supreme Allied Commander during WWII, Commander of NATO, saw the worst of the Cold War, the beginnings of the Civil Rights Movement, the Vietnam War, and modern Middle East politics. Appointed Nixon as vice president. Best known for his bald head.

The last great Republican president, as far as I’m concerned. Of course, he did help end the Korean War for now but a lot of terrible shit did happen during his presidency like the Red Scare.

35. John F. Kennedy- On a moon riding a robotic unicorn with a laser horn.

“Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country. Now use your laser horn of death, Robosparkles!”- JFK Also, don’t ask me about his assassination or any conspiracy surrounding it. Let’s not go there.

36. Lyndon B. Johnson- Probably now laughing in his grave knowing that all the young people who complained about him for escalating the Vietnam War are now on Medicare. Not to mention, signed a lot of Civil Rights legislation which would later cost his party the South (explaining why many Southerners are now Republican). Has a long list of accomplishments and stories.

LBJ: Living in his Great Society programs and under effects of his Civil Rights legislation whether you like it or not. Also, he’s known to be very weird at times.

37. Richard M. Nixon- See Tricky Dick wrestle a saber-tooth tiger. Of course, he’ll do it through his dirty tricks since he was pretty much an asshole.

Between the two of them, I’d root for the Sabertooth. I mean the guy’s certainly a crook who’d do almost anything to win. Not to mention, he tried to pull many dirty tricks on his enemies.

38. Gerald R. Ford- Played college football, worked as a model, and pardoned Nixon (to some people’s chagrin). Wife is more famous than him since she spread awareness about breast cancer and alcoholism.

Possibly one of the ugliest busts of a president I’ve ever seen. Hate to say this but it makes Gerry look like a space alien.

39. Jimmy Carter- His heart was in the right place but wasn’t the best president though he did set some good examples like the White House Solar Panels. Also, helped bring peace between Israel and Egypt (which may now be in jeopardy). More memorable as an ex-president though.

Look, Georgia, as lame as Carter may be as a president, he’s still less of an embarrassment than Pierce or Buchanan. I mean the guy travels to Third World countries to dig latrines for villages. Also, I don’t know what to make of this artwork.

40. Ronald Reagan- The Gipper rides and causes a shooting spree on his velocipede. Of course, don’t forget to duck. Also, don’t mention Iran Contra and the Savings and Loans scandals either. He doesn’t like that.

Look, I may not like Reagan, but I think this image does some justice for his fans. Still, he’s an overrated president who did make his mistakes. Also, his policies didn’t bring the end of the Cold War which was set to end anyway and even he realized that Reaganomics wasn’t good for the economy.

41. George H. W. Bush- As a zombie who wants everyone to “Read my lips, no new taxes. Now give me your brains.”

By seeing him like this, it’s understandable why his president was Dan Quayle. Because Quayle had no brains to eat as well as served as a viable protection against would-be assassins.

42. Bill Clinton- In the midst of utter turmoil with an intern by his side, Slick Willy protects America from the threat of hostile corporate giant Ronald McDonald.

Clinton may not be a perfect guy but he’s a Rhodes Scholar with an equally amazing wife. Not to mention, you really can’t help but like the man.

43. George W. Bush- Sucking the blood from the Statue of Liberty’s neck with his fangs.

Hey, it could be worse, could be one of the sparkly vampires from Twilight. At least he doesn’t sparkle. Still, there’s no way I can depict this guy favorably. There are hundreds of reasons why I dislike him and his presidency that I don’t want to put down since it’s a long list.

44. Barack Obama- Riding on a lion armed with a crossbow and light saber, Barry is no man to mess with.

Now here’s change I can believe in. Still, like him or not, he’s better than Bush in comparison. At least he got Bin Laden, get healthcare passed, end the Iraq War, and helped avoid war with Syria. Not to mention, he does look very badass on the lion which looks very hungry for John Boehner.

Valentines Cakes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 14, 2014

Valentines Day is one of the many holidays in which sweethearts exchange many kinds of gifts, especially sweets. Of course, it’s not uncommon for many to buy a specially made cake. For those interested, I can go on and on what lovely cakes cakes you can give to your loved one for Valentines Day. However, for those who looking for ideas, don’t use this post for inspiration since this is devoted to cakes you don’t want to send to your devoted sweetheart. Actually this post is for the cake ideas you want to avoid as well as serve as a kind of entertainment to those single on this day of love. So without further adieu, here are some Valentines Day cakes nobody wants to get.

1. This is a perfect cake for your sweetheart on Valentines Day, assuming that you two are avid fans of Star Trek.

Of course, if you’re the only Star Trek fan and your valentine can’t stand it, then I’m afraid your relationship is dead, Jim. And I mean as dead as a redshirt on an alien planet.

2. The perfect way to tell your sweetheart that you’re willing to settle for them because you can’t find anyone better.

The perfect cake to give to Mr. Good Enough or Mr. Right Now because you’re just tired of dating and your biological clock is ticking.

3. Of course, what better to tell than this beauty to wish your sweetheart Happy Valentines Day as well as tell them you don’t want any kids.

Sure what better way to tell your sweetheart that babies are diaper wearing little monsters. A word of caution to guys: If you plan to give your girl this cake, make sure she doesn’t have a pregnancy test with a + on it or anything relating to her being in the family way.

4. Sending this lovely cake may result in your beloved quickly dumping you and slamming it in your face before rushing to the doctor’s.

This cake has spelled doom to many relationships, especially since it kind of appears like a revelation of infidelity and possibly not practicing safe sex.

5. For the love bug in your life who gives you butterflies…….I think. Well, it looks like a butterfly.

Or it could look like something else, but I’m not sure if I want to dwell on it. Seriously, what the hell is that thing?

6. If you’re sending cupcakes, best not to give your loved one ones that say this.

Or loved one would soon be the butt of all the jokes, won’t they?

7. If you want to get some for Valentines Day, it’s best to be up front about it.

Of course, giving your sweetheart a cake saying “I’m horny for you” with a unicorn on it is not what I had in mind.

8. What can go wrong with a teddy bear on your cake, assuming you and your beloved are into that sort of thing.

Assuming that your kids aren’t around and if one of you is a big fan 50 Shades of Grey and Build-A-Bear Workshop.

9. Of course, sometimes it’s okay to go a little different once in awhile.

However, God only knows whatever the hell this thing is supposed to be?

10. For the one you’d want to tell to eat their heart out.

This is pretty gory for a Valentines cake. Also, whatever is chewing the heart doesn’t seem to have any eyes.

11. What better way to tell your sweetheart that they make you feel warm and light up your life.

Though the heart saying “You + Me” is placed on top what looks like a flaming pile of shit.

12. Perhaps this is the best way to say Happy Valentines Day to your loved one and tell them that it’s strictly physical.

And if you’re a woman, perhaps ruin everything about your childhood. Also, this is flagrantly inappropriate for for children and could possibly traumatize them.

13. What better way to tell your sweetheart they’re the key to your heart or that they satisfy your primal urges like no other.

In some ways this can be interpreted that a key to a man’s heart is through his penis.

14. Perhaps this Princess Bride inspired cake can never underestimate the value of true love.

Though the sword seems to pertain to other connotations which might make a man seem a little self-conscious about his own “sword.”

15. So who can ever resist roses on Valentines Day?

Especially brown ones that look like chunks of dog shit with leaves on them.

16. Because there is never a better way to tell your sweetheart you’ve been shot in the heart, literally.

Of course, this is a relatively graphic depiction. Perhaps it’s better if the heart isn’t anatomically correct.

17. Of course, what better way to express your wish to see other people without having to confront them in person than sending your significant other a cake like this.

Of course, the receiver should look on the bright side, since they could spend drowning their sorrows eating it as well as it’s chocolate. Besides, anyone unwilling to break up with you in person doesn’t deserve you anyway.

18. Yet, what better way to tell your significant other that you hate them and have been planning to ditch them for a long time.

This may be overdoing it a bit but at least those jerks will get the message. Still, it’s probably better if you throw it at them.

19. For women: Best way to wish your man Happy Valentines Day and that you want him to get a vasectomy.

This might make guys shrink in fear but at least it’s clear that she doesn’t want any (or anymore) kids.

20. Happy Valentines Day from your nightmares.

Is this a sheep or a bunny? Because it sure as hell looks very terrifying. Die, you fluffy thing! Die, I tell you!

21. For men: What better way to wish your woman Happy Valentines Day as well as tell her that you’re planning to have her sleep with other guys for money.

Ladies, you might want to give he burning house cake if any guy gives you this one.

22. Best way to wish your significant other “Happy Valentines Day, my ass!”

This is actually pretty clever but I don’t think recipients would take an upside down heart cake as a compliment.

23. Best way to wish your sweetheart Happy Valentines Day and that they’re stuck with you.

Somehow I’m not very comfortable with the ball and chain metaphor. I don’t know, I just find it disturbing.

24. No Valentines cake can be as sickeningly sweet as this….creature here.

Reminds me of a ferocious alien creature from a sci-fi horror movie. Seriously, it’s very terrifying. Kill it! Kill it with fire!

25. What better way to say “Be Mine” than a cake of a dead bee.

Looks like a bee with a heart on its chest after hitting a windshield.

26. There is no better way to tell your sweetheart that they give the best, well, you figure it out.

Sure your loved one may like hearing that you give them the best BJ’s but they probably don’t want that written on a cake.

27. What better way to say “Be Mine” than with a heart shaped cake with what appears to be bees, I think.

Though they don’t have wings, which makes them seem like giant yellow ants with black stripes on them.

28. Happy Valentines Day from the bottom of my colon? Wait a minute.

I thought it was said that true love comes from the heart and not Uranus.

29. Happy Valentines Day from the Heart Monster.

And those purple things are its hands used to take your soul. It wants to eat you.

30. The best way to tell you’re significant other that you’re not that into them.

Then why a heart shaped cookie cake saying so then?

31. Happy Valentines Day from the Cookie Monster. No, I don’t mean that Cookie Monster.

I think the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street was far less terrifying than this one. I mean who makes these cookies. These hearts look evil.

32. Happy Valentines Day from the heart cookie eating monster from Pac-Man, I think.

Still, at least it’s eating those monstrous looking cookies. Yet, I can’t see how anyone would think this is cute.

33. Happy Valentines Day from this googly eyed thingy. Seriously I don’t know what it is.

Kind of reminds me of Admiral Akbar from Return of the Jedi. “It’s a trap.” Yeah.

34. Of course, there some important things you don’t want to mention on Valentines Day.

You might want to apologize for a lot more than that, especially since your significant other will dump you and you’d have this cake all over your face.

35. A cake that could break your beloved’s heart.

Now the cake may be a nice little crown but the saying is just cruel. Still, at least you can binge on this cake to soothe your unending pain.

36. Nothing says Valentines Day like green and gray roses.

Well, maybe in a Tim Burton movie. Yet, these may look better suited on a Halloween cake instead.

37. Of course, sometimes a cake can help bring the relationship to the next level.

Perhaps you want to be absolutely sure that she’ll say yes before you buy her this. Otherwise, it could go really, really, badly.

38. A Valentines cake that nobody asked for.

This is so tacky. In fact, I don’t think I want a heart cake resembling someone’s rear end with a thong. This is awful.

39. Not like I was going to ask you but thanks for telling me.

Sure you may have viable credentials but that doesn’t mean you should put it on a cake like in a personal ad for whatever it is you’re looking for.

40. Nothing like a cake to show your valentine how desperate you are for their love.

Now this is a really desperate attempt by somebody. Wonder what this person is like.

The Wonderful World of Album Covers

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 11, 2014

When it comes to music, sometimes an album cover can make all the difference in marketing. Some of them are awesome and iconic that people remember the artist and album forever like the Beatles Abbey Road and others, Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon and The Wall, Michael Jackson’s Thriller, and others. However, we’re not going to focus on the albums of legends here. Instead, I’m focusing on some of the tackiest of the trade (within reason) so you all can laugh at them. So without further adieu here are some terrible album covers that should never have been created. (Warning content may not be suitable for children and there may be offensive content but of course, these are terrible album covers we’re talking about).

1. Ken: By Requests Only

Sure I'll be taking requests, just not from this guy. Apparently I have no idea who Ken is.

Sure I’ll be taking requests, just not by this guy. Apparently I have no idea who Ken is.

See all your 1970’s fashion horrors all on one album cover. I mean the guy has a 1970’s porn stache and leisure suit which kind of suggests his day job.

2. I Aint Into That!: The Rappin’ Reverend Dr. C. Dexter Wise III

This guy is sure ain’t looking gangsta in that picture.

That portrait is highly inappropriate for a rap album. Seriously, the title may be make it seem like a rap title but the presentation seems to remind me of the 1960s R&B Motown.

3. Manowar Anthology

Either that or in a 1980s fantasy porn movie.

Okay, somehow this album image reminds me of a 1980s hair band on a Harlequin romance novel cover.

4. Orleans: Walking and Dreaming

Of course, these guys don’t keep any secrets from each other and may even have orgies.

Actually their chests don’t look that bad but the guys seem to be too close and personal, suggesting that they may be more than friends.

5. Freddy Gage: All My Friends Are Dead

This would’ve been better if it featured a dinosaur instead. At least we would know why all his friends are dead.

So give this album to police so they would know where he hid their bodies.

6. Junior Parker: Love Ain’t Nothin’ But a Business Going On

Scantily dress woman near car in an ugly apartment background: seems like a ho to me. Sorry, NAACP.

Scantily dress woman near car in an ugly apartment background: seems like a prostitute to me. Sorry, NAACP, but it just does.

Of course, this album cover is very suggestive on what kind of business his love may be: a prostitution ring. Unless “Junior” is the girl in the picture, then she’s probably a hooker.

7. The Simmons: “Touch of God”

Of course, these ladies may need the touch of God since their sense of fashion is going to doom them to Hell.

And the loss of fashion sense. God, the pattern of the women’s dress is more appropriate for a couch.

8. Joyce

Also, has worse fashion sense than I do with that awful looking dress and old lady hair.

Or your dad’s third grade teacher like you’ve never seen her before.

9. “Jesus Use Me” by the Faith Tones

Is that Peter Sellers in drag? I thinking of the woman in the glasses.

Is that Peter Sellers in drag? I’m thinking of the woman in the glasses.

Or the old CVS employees with 1960s hair that use more hair products than the cast of Hairspray put together.

10. The Ministers Quartet: Let Me Touch Him

Feel free to break in shits and giggles over this one. Still, I hope “Him” refers to God, please.

Is it just me, or do 1970s Christian labels have bad album cover designers. Also, any album with “Ministers” and “Let Me Touch Him” sounds very, very wrong.

11. The Hollywood Playboys Orchestra: Music for Playboys to Play by

I mean the guy’s Satan and is up to no good. The girl is obviously drinking and has loose inhibitions. Perhaps this is an album featuring “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

So you can be the devil to the woman at the party. Is it just me or does cover seems to suggest date rape or something?

12. Bruno Maltise: Heaven’s Hitman

Repent, sinner, or this guy will make you swim with fishes. Seriously, he’s here to show us that God’s grace is an offer we can’t refuse.

And by looking at his picture, I can certainly believe it.

13. Brainstorm: Smile a While

This is wrong. Really wrong. Then again, they probably got the clothes from Victoria’s Secret since they look good on the models. Perhaps this album is a tribute to them.

While I have no qualms of guys in women’s clothes, I’m not sure about seeing guys in women’s underwear. Also, is the person on the far right an actual woman?

14. Svetlana Gruebersolvik: My Lips Are for Blowing

And, boy, do her lips blow hard on wood, too. Just look at the cover.

From my years of playing clarinet in high school and college, I can guess anything related to blowing wood can carry a double meaning. I remember that old chant from my high school years: “Who are we?” “Yough woodwinds!” “What do we do?” “We blow wood hard!” “Louder!” “We blow wood hard!”

15. Limbo Party

Because limbo isn’t limbo unless you have to go under a rope set on fire so your hair doesn’t burn to a crisp.

When going under the limbo stick may result in first degree burns or hair singing when you touch it.

16. John Graas: Jazz Labs 2

Of course, he probably keeps his acid stashed in that French horn of his.

Didn’t know jazz artists made their own acid or played French horn.

17. Mike Crain Karatist Preacher: God’s Power

Because the cement blocks aren’t just going to break with his hands alone.

Perhaps this is the 1970’s way of appealing to a younger demographic.

18. Chanukah Carols

Now I know what Hanukah Joe looks like and he’s kind of freaky like Santa. Also, where’s the menorah?

Perfect if you’re a Jew who wants to get the kiddies excited in the Chanukah festivities without them asking you why you don’t celebrate Christmas.

19. Tex Williams: Smoke, Smoke, Smoke

Of course, side effects include: cancer, emphysema, COPD, stroke, heart attack, loss of lung, rapid aging, and all kinds of health problems probably leading to an early demise. Not to mention, smoking kills 1/3 of its users.

Later retitled: Croak, Croak, Croak.

20. Hey, Mr. Banjo

Get this creepy blackface guy outta here before the NAACP sees this since they’d rather perish in a pit of fire before seeing an image that even remotely reminds them of the offensive blackface minstrel show. Perhaps the most racist and offensive album cover I’ve seen yet.

The sight of this album is sure to start race riots, especially in the South. Sad to say but this album would’ve looked a lot better if the guy didn’t wear blackface. And everyone would be a lot happier, too.

21. Music for Big Dame Hunters

Of course, I wonder how many innocent animals had to die to get this hideous album cover. Also, what’s with the arrows in the safari hat?

Of course, a cover like this would make PETA scream in horror and then use the ad pitch in one of their commercials.

22.Geraldine and Ricky: Trees Talk, Too

Of course, ents and the Lorax may know that but I think they’d still be freaked out by woman and dummy sex pairings.

And so do dummies, apparently. Tell me this is an album and not a horror movie.

23. Tijuana Brass: Whipped Cream & Other Delights

So much whipped cream, so needlessly wasted on that lady. Of course, if it’s shaving cream, at least she didn’t have to shave her legs.

I’m sure no one wants a naked woman in their topping, no matter how sexy she may be.

24. The Braillettes: Our Hearts Keep Singing

Those poor ladies. Why do record labels subject them to such cruelty for those aspiring in the music business.

This is a very terrible form of abuse to blind people, especially putting them in pastel dresses and 1960s hairstyles.

25. Erick and Beverly Messegee: Amen!

Seriously, Christians, what’s with the attractive women and dummies on your albums? Look, I know many of you think homosexuality is unnatural but at least gays want to have relationships with actual people. Methinks you protest too much.

This is probably a heartwarming album by an elderly dummy and his hot trophy wife.

26. Count Your Blessings by Willie Sutherland

Of course, for those who don’t know what The Night of the Hunter is about note that the Reverend Powell is a bluebeard preacher who’s willing to kill women and children just to get a hold of their money.

It seems that this adorable little girl is standing on a pew with two ministers dressed like the Reverend Powell from The Night of the Hunter.

27. God Isn’t Dead!: By Gertrude Bethanna

Apparently God doesn’t seem to help this woman’s substance abuse problem. Seriously, Christians, what’s with the pretty woman and the booze bottles and hypo needle?

God may not be dead but he may be wondering why there are a bunch of booze bottles and hypodermic needles in the background.

28. Xavier Cugat and His Orchestra: Bread, Love, and Cha Cha Cha

Apparently, he loves his bread a lot more than he loves women. Doesn’t seem much interested in her. I sense he seems to go for the French loaves, doesn’t he?

Guess he’s kind of “pansexual” meaning he’s into bread.

29. John Bult: Julie’s Sixteenth Birthday

Either this is about something regarding the age of consent or her driver’s license. Let’s hope it’s her driver’s license.

Look, buddy, just because she’s at the age of consent doesn’t mean you can’t be subjected to Megan’s Law. Seriously, this is a terrible album cover.

30. Forsaken Doll by Maria Leonora

Perhaps she’s the ex-girlfriend of Chucky using the Taylor Swift model of therapy. I think Chucky may have had a good reason to dump her though since she’s creepy as hell.

Nothing like a creepy doll on an album to give you nightmares.

31. Ritchie Family: Bad Reputation

At least the Ritchies know how to pick up hunky guys to pose for their album covers. Of course, there’s a chance all those guys are gay.

No wonder Lionel went solo.

32. Orion: Reborn

Of course, he just might be Mr. Fantastic embarking on a music career and Orion may just happen to be his stage name. He’s wearing a mask so his family doesn’t recognize him in this embarrassing photo from the 1970s.

I’m sorry but carnival masks and blue leisure suits just don’t mix.

33. Boned: Up at the Crack

I don’t know how this guy got his guitar in his pants but I sure don’t want to find out.

Most unintentionally inappropriate album art ever.

34. Rat on!: Swamp Dogg

Of course, rats like the one on this album were probably once fed to Godzilla at one time as a midnight snack.

Featured on the cover with his giant genetically mutated rat.

35. Scorpions: Lovedrive

You’re probably better off throwing your chewed up gum out the window. Besides, the lady is so not wearing a bra.

Of course, this guy would’ve fondled his girlfriend’s breast until he found out she was using her chewing gum to keep her dress covered.

36. Foster Edwards’ Orchestra: What’s Next?

Of course, the mop top elephants probably ended up smashing a lot of the instruments so the orchestra had release this album to pay for repairs.

Of course, they had to make another album after the elephant Beatles cover band experiment failed horribly.

37. Mr. Bat Sings

Behold, the international singing sensation of your nightmares. Seriously, this clown is creepy.

Scary clown sings songs to keep you up all night or make your pants brown.

38. Satan Is Real by the Louvins Brothers

Apparently these two guys certainly know it because they're probably burning in hell right now in their white suits. Of course, Satan is apparently not amused.

Apparently these two guys certainly know it because they’re probably burning in hell right now in their white suits. Yet, they don’t seem to be upset in the fiery hellscape.Of course, Satan is apparently not amused.

And he clearly doesn’t seem to enjoy your taste in music.

39. Shut Up and Dance!: Dance before the Police Come

Of course, I don’t think people would be scared of two shirtless black dudes with big ass machetes and numchucks. Because they’d be more scary with guns as far as some white people are concerned.

Sure but what’s with the all the crazy weapons? I mean two machetes and numchucks?

40. Fire Down Under: Riot

Of course, you don’t want to club this cute and terrifying baby seal. Or else it will kill you. Beware the baby seal of vengeance.

Apparently this cover was designed on behalf of baby seal protection because one of them may return for revenge against humanity.

41. Heino: Liebe Mutter

Sure the guy may love his mother but he looks rather creepy. Also, I'm not sure if that person's really a guy.

Sure the guy may love his mother but he looks rather creepy as well as more suited for some kind of Dieter inspired music video they seem to have in Germany.

From the guy who looks like an Andy Warhol stand-in holding roses.

42. I’m God’s Child by the Cooper Family

You’d think they’d know better and shop for a decent pair of clothes and get a sensible hairdo but no. Also, I hope they’re actually in their house for I kind of fear for them getting pursued by evil spirits.

Wholesome Christian family with no fashion sense standing in front of their medieval dungeon fireplace.

43. Devastatin’ Dave: Zip, Zap, Rap

Let’s just say, no one would think this is a rap album if you dress like Bruce Springsteen on the cover. Also, a pink and black polo shirt for men?

Is this a rap or exercise album? Seriously, that 1980s Tom Selleck look doesn’t seem to remind me of something a rapper would wear.

44. Johnny Guitar Watson: A Real Mother

Seriously, why have an baby carriage built for adults? Surely this guy’s street cred is ruined.

Sorry, but I don’t think the man sized baby carriage resembling a classy car sort of kills it for me.

45. Songs for Gay Dogs by Paddy Roberts

Of course, dogs basically hump anything that moves, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Still, there are probably some gay dogs around that enjoy music so maybe he’s providing a service.

Guess there’s something for everybody.

46. Dickie Harrell: Drums and More Drums

Either she’s the daughter of Shiva or this is photoshopped (probably more likely). Still, this is pretty freaky.

Of course, since this is an album by a six armed drummer, it’s no wonder.

47. The Electric Amish: A Hard Day’s Work

They seem to consider a donkey as a member of their band. Of course, I hope they don’t cause any offense with the actual Amish who probably never heard of this. Not to mention, I don’t think these guys are Amish.

Didn’t know an Amish group released a Beatles cover album. I thought they wouldn’t be into that sort of thing since they don’t care much for technology past the 18th century.

48. Lots of Love & Peace from Happy Louie, Julcia, and the Boys

Still, the designer was probably on some kind of brown acid from Woodstock. Also, whenever I see a psychedelic font, I want to see a psychedelic rock group, not a freaking polka band which this appears to be.

From the font, you may think this is a psychedelic rock album but it’s actually nothing of the sort.

49. Expose Yourself to Cajun Music and Johnny Janot

Sure he may do some shocking things to get people to hear his music but at least he’s not showing his junk. He has a long coat to cover that up not that he’s wearing anything underneath it.

Apparently, this cover makes me want to avoid the latter. Still, this flashing Cajun musician is probably the Naked Cowboy’s father.

50. The Addicts Sing

Look, I don’t know about you but if I want to hear the music of former drug addicts, I’d listen to a greatest hits compilation album of almost any genre. I mean drug addicts have done rock, R&B soul, country, classical, jazz, and others. Of course, this is a Christian album but still addiction is very common in the music industry.

Well, that’s nice there’s an album of former addicts singing but they hardly seem like addicts to me. However, the musical art form is no stranger when it comes to featuring artists with drug addictions so this is not even a novelty. Also, what’s with the skyscraper and the disembodied heads?

The Wonderful World of Sculpture

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 7, 2014

Here is a bronze statue of “First Down” Archabbot Bonifice Wimmer in front of Saint Vincent Basilica and founder of Saint Vincent College, Saint Vincent Seminary, and Saint Vincent Archabbey. Of course, one of my reasons of posting this picture is because I attended Saint Vincent College from 2008-2012 graduating with a B. A. in history. Good times.

While my last post focused on painting, this one pertains to sculpture, another medium of artistic expression. Yet, as seen with the above picture of the late Boniface Wimmer, the founder of my college alma mater, sculpture can be found everywhere and are seen all over the place. For instance, Pittsburgh has a lot of statues of dinosaurs for some reason and not just in the Carnegie Museum of Natural History or the Carnegie Museum of Art. They also have plenty of dinosaurs outside that could be dressed a doctor or businessman. There’s even a T-Rex in the same attire of Mr. Rogers (Yes, he has his own dinosaur there and at Saint Vincent College since Latrobe was his hometown, look it up.) Still, enough with the local sculpture scene but I’m illustrating a point here. Yet, they also come in a variety of shapes and sizes from something you can hold in your hand, to ones larger than buildings which you can get inside of. And they can be cast in bronze, carved from marble, or from plenty of other materials. Yet, in this post I’m not going to talk about the great sculpting masterpieces. Instead, I’m focusing on works that should be recognized for sheer badness that they could be considered funny. So without further adieu, here are some of the tacky sculpture worthy of recognition. (I’m also keeping names anonymous here as well so will be the locations. Also, may contain some improper imagery.)

1. Bad Dog

Based on the best selling children’s book Clifford the Big Red Dog Takes a Piss.

Nothing expresses a male dog’s urge disregard for civilization than a giant one peeing on a building.

2. Burnside Fountain or “Turtle Boy Love Statue”

If your kids want to know what bestiality is, this is a good illustration to show them.

Now what kind of sick demented artist could ever come up with this idea? This is kind of depraved or so it seems. And who in their mind could ever think of having this on display? Then again, sure is a good way to attract tourists and earn notoriety.

3. Washington as Zeus

Okay, kids, who wants to see our first US president shirtless and wearing a dress?
Of course, he’s also remembered for his great biceps, said no American historian ever.

Because it’s seems very unsettling to see the Father of his Country sporting a toga and a six pack. For God’s sake even the Lincoln Memorial statue depicts “The Great Emancipator” in his own period appropriate clothes.This is a very famous piece by the way and part of the Classical style at the time, but still.

4. Mel Gibson as William Wallace

Of course, sometimes I wonder if this was erected in honor of the great Scottish hero or to boosts Mel Gibson's ego. Interestingly, they have removed it after Mel suffered a fall from grace. Still, kind of a nut.

Of course, sometimes I wonder if this was erected in honor of the great Scottish hero or to boost Mel Gibson’s ego. Interestingly, they have removed it after Mel suffered a fall from grace. Still, kind of a nut.

Sure William Wallace was a great Scottish hero but no one seemed to get around with giving him a statue until after Braveheart. Of course, the reasons are obvious.

5. Ballerina Man

Now that’s incredibly creepy and I’ve seen Black Swan and The Dark Knight.

Part clown, part ballerina, this statue will not only give your kids nightmares but also make it impossible to determine the figure’s gender.

6. El Mesteno

And what would the evil Lord Sauron be without his giant blue hellhorse of death?

Giant horse statue- majestic. Giant blue horse statue- weird but all right. Giant blue horse statue with demonic red eyes – terrifying.

7. Boll Weevil Monument

Behold, the herald of prosperity in the agricultural pest that screwed much of the American South during the Great Depression and was responsible for countless deaths. Having a monument to the boll weevil there is like erecting a statue honoring the termite.

Nothing makes your town more memorable than having a statue depicting an agricultural pest as a sacred animal.

8. Spomenik

I wonder if this statue has ever been mistakened for Darth Vader’s vacation home.

A kind of monument that could be mistaken for something the Galactic Empire would erect to remind everyone else that they run your planet now.

9. Mr. Rogers

For some reason the statue of him as a T-Rex is much less scary than this. Maybe I don’t see anything about a giant bronze cast Mr. Rogers putting his tennis shoes on as something I shouldn’t be afraid of.

Somehow this statue of Mr. Rogers doesn’t really do justice to his good neighbor reputation. I mean a bronze cast of him tends to make him better suited for a Tim Burton movie than the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.

10. Blue Longhorn Bull

His long horns represent his great virility and his ability to kick your ass when pissed. His blue complexion represents his fondness for pasture shrooms.

Complete with extra long horns and a steady diet of shrooms. Did I mention the horns and hooves were silver?

11. Fighting Stallion Monument

Of course, things can get very complicated between horses but man do they look pretty dramatic kissing each other?

Is it just me, or do those two horses don’t seem to be fighting for some reason? Reminds me more of a horse version of Brokeback Mountain to me.

12. Man Hanging Out

I wonder how many people have mistaken this statue as a guy wanting to kill himself. Either some symbolism is involved or the locals have a sick sense of humor.

Now really, why would anyone think of creating a hanging man statue and then suspending him over the street? I wonder how many tourists are told by police, “Don’t worry, he’s not committing suicide. He’s always been like that since he was cast in bronze.”

13. Melting Cow

Maybe this shiny blue cow was a victim of some kind of cow tipping and just wasn’t able to get back on its feet. Also, what’s with the giant popsicle stick sticking out the cow’s ass?

Now this has to be influenced by a hallucinogenic drug induced surrealist dream. Or do cows actually melt when they hit the ground?

14. Cocozao

It's one thing to erect a statue of a giant turd on a stick. It's another to have it as a fountain. Did a huge giant just take a shit from the clouds? Yeah, that's probably it.

It’s one thing to erect a statue of a giant turd on a stick. It’s another to have it as a fountain. Did a huge giant just take a shit on the city from the clouds? Yeah, that’s probably it or the designer was a twelve-year-old boy who thought it was a dandy way to attract tourists with a shit fountain.

Believe it or not, it’s said to represent the Araucaria Pine. Looks like a giant turd on a stick. Did I mention it’s a fountain?

15. Mothman

Not only is it silver with red eyes of murder but also has manly chest hair. I believe the only tourists this town receives are Godzilla fans. I wonder if any of them are from Japan.

Said to by a mythological creature rumored to live in a dynamite factory under a centuries old curse. Still, most people might see it as a robotic man moth version of a Godzilla adversary.

16. Peter the Great

He’s on top of how many ships? Seriously, if anyone should be honored for founding a navy, one will simply do the trick. Several on top of each other is kind of overdoing it by a lot. I wonder if Peter is compensating for something here.

When I’m on a boat isn’t good enough. Still, as iconic as Peter the Great was for a Russian Czar, this statue is just plain ugly as well as an imposing eyesore. Good God, who was crazy enough to design this? Then again, czars were ruthless autocratic monarchs and Peter was a bit nuts.

17. Quetzalcoatl

And if this was erected to celebrate Hispanic heritage, what does this statue say about Mexico? Sorry if I offended any Mexicans. I was talking about how this statue looked like an intricately snake carved from a large pile of shit.

And if this was erected to celebrate Hispanic culture and heritage, what does this statue say about them? Sorry, Hispanics, no offense. I was talking about how this statue looked like an intricately snake carved from a large pile of shit. Still, the Hispanic community must seem a little insulted by how a statue meant to celebrate their heritage and culture resembles a gigantic dog turd.

Serpent Aztec God of Humanity, large snake, or giant dog turd?

18. Peace Statue

I’m not sure if a peace icon should bare that much resemblance to Hercules or some athlete on steroids. And guys on steroids tend to be very aggressive. I mean you can get that body just by eating healthy and working at the gym.

Because nothing is a better personification of peace than a naked stand-in for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

19. Queen Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz

Queen of Great Britain or humanoid reptilian overlord, you decide. Be sure you don’t get on her bad side since she has a detachable tail under her dress as well as forked venomous tongue.

This woman was famous for being the wife of King George III, mother of George IV and William IV, and gave birth to fifteen kids, as well as grandmother to Queen Victoria. She has plenty of royal descendants all over the European royal families as well as a city in North Carolina named after her. Yet, here she’s depicted as a lizard queen.

20. The Giant Spider

It’s coming to get you. Tell me, you’re not scared right? This is more terrifying than the one from Harry Potter who let his kids devour wizards.

Now how would any agoraphobe would want to go to work having to see this every day? Not very pleasant. Also, who ever thought of erecting a statue of something that is more appropriate for a horror movie?

21. The Struggle Against World Terrorism

Dr. Freud would just have a lot of fun with whoever designed this highly suggestive edifice. Just hope the moral guardians don’t notice any resemblance. Of course, it’s said to be a great hot spot for The Vagina Monologues.

Is it just me but does this statue seem to resemble what one 9/11 survivor called “a cross between a scar and a female sex organ?” And this was erected to honor 9/11 victims?

22. Walter Johnson

Seriously, what’s with the two extra arms bursting from his chest? Also, I wonder if he’s related to one of the Hindu deities with those kind of limbs. Oh, he’s the son of Shiva the god of death so that explains it.

Nicknamed “Big Train” and famed for being the greatest pitcher in baseball history, this statue depicts him as a four armed character more suited for a video game or the X-Men.

23. General Nathan Bedford Forrest

Crazy Nattie Forrest and his Confederate cavalry are going to slay yo’ negro asses. Still, it’s one thing to erect a monument dedicated to a guy who’s tied to a shitload of racial injustice (he was a slave trader before the war). It’s another to depict him as a raging angry white man in a silver cast with pistol in one hand and sword in the other. And he looks like a homicidal maniac out for blood.

Confederate hero on a golden horse and all out nutcase from this statue. Also, doesn’t help that he’s said to have found the KKK and may have ordered a massacre of Union soldiers.

24. Bl. Father Junipero Serra OFM

I heard he taught the Indians to play baseball and even held games on the weekends every Sunday afternoon. Still, it’s hard to take such a figure seriously if he’s depicted like a giant cartoon character.

Sure this guy may be on the road to sainthood but I can’t help but wonder if he’s the mascot of the San Diego Padres.

25. Tugendbrunnen or “Fountain of the Virtues”

For some reason, someone had the great idea of the fountain spraying the water from the horns of angels and the women’s nipples in high pressure lactation. Guess Renaissance sculptors weren’t as wholesome as you thought they would. Well, at least they weren’t men spraying water from their, well, you know.

Sure this may be a famous fountain designed during the Renaissance but look closer and you see this may be more appropriate adorning the Renaissance equivalent of The Playboy Mansion than any public square. And yet this is a public fountain.

26. Bl. Pope John Paul II

Unlike some of the statues in this list, I have to admit that this one serves some practical purpose of sheltering people from the rain and providing shade. But would you want to be under him? I don’t know.

Of course, what better way to honor the late Holy Father who helped bring down Communism than this bronze statue of him with a head almost like Mussolini and barely anything underneath his long flowing cloak? This is what the Vatican calls “a permanent and sacrilegious mud stain” on the late pope’s memory. Sacrilegious or not, it sure is an ugly example of minimalistic modern art.

27. Martin Luther King Jr.

This is something that probably belongs in a sci-fi horror film than anywhere else. Also, who came up with this idea? It’s creepy.

Sure Martin Luther King Jr. was a great civil rights leader who helped end racial segregation in the South. Yet, I’m not sure if an appropriate way to honor him would be putting his bust on a large silver ball.

28. Vigelands Parken Man Kicking Babies

Man, why on earth does this statue exist? This is depicting terrible forms of child abuse with a guy using three limbs to kick and slam babies. The sculptor must really hate kids for some reason.

Sure this may be some legendary figure in Norway, but what reason would anyone want to see a statue of a naked man hurting babies? This is sick! What do you mean the tykes are evil genii? Still, doesn’t make it right.

29. WWII Memorial Statue

Clearly he’s a bit heavy headed and not feeling too well. Of course, he’s been in a stony mood for ages. He may want some friends like the guys on Mount Rushmore or Stone Mountain.

Or as I’d like to call it “Mean Man of the Mountain.”

30. Mother Motherland

With eyes aflame she faces the masses wielding sword and shield silently yelling “Death to all you bourgeoisie capitalist scum! Death to all who steal from the proletariat!” Definitely a mother who strikes fear in her own children like the Soviet Union and satellite Cold War nations.

She may be the personification of Mother Russia but she is sure fierce and can kill you like the Russian winter or the KGB.

The Wonderful World of Painting

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 6, 2014

The only masterpiece you will ever see in this blog post.

For centuries works of art like the firing squad painting above have always moved us and influenced our culture each in a piece’s own special way. Unfortunately The artworks I’m showing in this post do none of that but are still noteworthy in its own way for their sheer badness and their tendency to incite shits and giggles. Also, many of them may tend to make my art major sister at VCU wish she was in front of Goya’s firing squad as shown above. Still, just for the record, I’m keeping many of the artists’ names anonymous for good measure because no one wants to be recognized for art so bad it becomes unintentionally funny. So without further adieu, here is a list of all the great artistic blunders. (I will be showing nude pictures in this since this is an art post, just so you know. And fortunately, for my sister, I’m certainly not showing anything by Thomas Kinkade for I know better than to post pictures of his disasterpieces. This is bad art you can enjoy for it’s own sake.)

1. Lucy in the Sky with Flowers

From The Museum of Bad Art: "The motion, the chair, the sway of her breast, the subtle hues of the sky, the expression on her face -- every detail combines to create this transcendent and compelling portrait, every detail cries out 'masterpiece.'"

From a Museum of Bad Art patron: “Dear Sirs,
!Bravissimo! Thank you! “Lucy” is clearly the key work in the collection. As with all great art, extended viewing reveals endless layers of mysteries: What is Norman Mailer’s head doing on an innocent grandma’s body, and are those crows or F-16’s skimming the hills?”
By the way, the late Norman Mailer was a well-known American intellectual and author who most people on the internet don’t know about so his name won’t come to mind.

For some reason this old woman with flowers kind of reminds me of Miss Finster from Recess (for those who were once kids in the 1990s). And it doesn’t help matters that she’s sitting on a chair you can barely see.

2. Mama and Babe

Undead mother and child hungry for your brains. Nice delicious brains!

The only painting that not only shows the touching bond between mother and child but also the irresistible hunger for human flesh during a zombie apocalypse.

3. Reef Garden

The dancing clown in this painting is beyond creepy. The undersea party of your nightmares.

The dancing clown in this painting is beyond creepy. The undersea musical extravaganza of your nightmares.

Inspired by someone who watched a Cirque Du Soleil show under the influence of the brown acid.

4. Inspiration

The organist must be on some serious hallucinogenic drugs to see such visions like that. Or perhaps God really works in mysterious ways.

A talented 19th century organist summons the ghost of zombie Jesus Christ and a medieval monk while playing at the Sunday service in the cathedral.

5. Think Again

From MOBA: “This disturbing work “makes an offer you can’t refuse”. The chilling, matter-of-fact manner in which the subject presents the severed head to us is a poignant reminder of just how numb we have become. The understated violence implicit in the scene speaks volumes on our own desensitization, our society’s reflexive use of force, and the artist’s inability to deal with the hindquarters of the animal.”
Of course, this could be a pop culture juxtaposition of Thriller meets The Godfather.

Of course, nothing says “masterpiece” than a picture of a lifelike horse’s head being held by Michael Jackson after a sex change.

6. The Contortionist

Of course, anyone with a contortionist fetish has seen more than they wanted to see. Still, this is pretty horrifying if you think about it.

An erotic image of a contortionist and her nightmarish interior skeleton.

7. Gina’s Demons

From MOBA: “Frightening non-kosher demons haunt this blonde, blue-eyed beauty in a see-through blouse. Her world is cracking apart at the edges, but her careful hairdo and makeup show us that she knows it’s important to keep up appearances.”
Also, it seems the demons tend to find Gina’s blond hair rather appetizing.

Frightening non-kosher demons haunt this well-kempt Victoria’s Secret model in her see-through nightie.

8. Chiquita

Behind the tropical fruit spokeswoman with bare breast is a hellscape reminding of impeding doom that will eventually turn her into a fossil.

Nothing like a sight of a woman adorned in fresh fruit than seeing her in the midst of a volcanic eruption.

9. Woman Riding Crustacean

Of course, this woman shouldn’t be surprised about getting crabs afterwards.

Because nothing is any more erotic than a naked woman riding atop a giant lobster.

10. An I for an Eye

There may be some symbolism involved but the crying eyes tree and naked woman trunk doesn’t much make sense to me.

Never seen before an eye tree with a trunk shaped like a naked woman possibly painted by someone on acid.

11. Dissent from the Pedestal

Lady Liberty doesn't seem to care much anymore. Hey, what's with the Capitol dome shaped microphone coming out of her dress?

Lady Liberty doesn’t seem like herself lately. Hey, what’s with the Capitol dome shaped microphone coming out of her dress?

From MOBA: “Infuriated and distraught about the state of the world, the iconic Lady of the Harbor has come down from her traditional perch, bemoaning the fact that, despite global warming, her day in the sun seems to have passed.”

12. He Was a Friend of Mine

From MOBA: “The artist is a skilled watercolorist, as is evident by his knowledgeable use of negative space to create the ghostly husky. The sparkle in the eyes of the see-through cat brings a discordant, evil glint to an otherwise soft and peaceful scene. ‘Who else thinks it’s a good idea to eat from my bowl?'”

Evil cat summons the ghostly image of husky to inflict his angry wrath upon humanity.

13. March Madness

Of course, the basketball metaphor might actually make sense. Could it be that March Madness was once an ancient pagan ritual to mark the transition from winter to spring with the vernal equinox?

From the Museum of Bad Art: “In like a lion, out like a lamb, the glorious thrill of victory and the deathlike agony of defeat are portrayed in this homage to the annual spring classic.”

14. Juggling Dog in Hula Skirt

This artwork makes no sense. Also, the dog is standing upright as if in an anthropomorphic setting. He could also be Rowlf’s hippie brother who ran off with the circus.

Because someone on acid had the artistic pointlessness to depict a bone juggling dog in a hula skirt.

15. Lobster Lady

Seriously, who’d want to keep lobsters as pets? And shouldn’t they be in the pot instead of crawling on the table?

Because nothing shows the love and togetherness like a young girl and her pet lobster.

16. Nude with the Eyes

House Speaker John Boehner, have I got a perfect woman for you.

Woman who spent too much time in a tanning salon or the spawn of one of those porn star and Oompa Loompa pairings?

17. You’ve Got to Be Kidding

Her thirst for blood is as red as her dress.

Sure she may have a cross around her neck, but her eyes say she’s out for blood.

18. Ghoulfriend

Can someone be a friend to this lonely ghoul? So he may be all bones underneath but he only goes haunting desperate for companionship.

Though he may scare the bejesus out of people, he’s really looking for a friend.

19. Sad Girl with Poodle

Never underestimate this creepy sad girl’s wrath. And what’s with the poodle?

An Oompa Loompa girl after hearing about her dad getting involved in a horrible accident at Wonka’s factory.

20. Tika, Kitty in Paradise

Of course, this may be a Persian delusion of grandeur for a Fancy Feast Gourmet Cat Food ad.

Behold, the giant Persian, all bow down to him.

21. A Tree Grows in Boston

Still, I don’t understand why this guy had a yellow head and a purple hand? Yet, he seems fixated on that tree for some reason.

Creepy androgynous person sees tree out the window with eyes matching the sky depicting absence of soul and personality.

22. Vanishing Woman

And yet another reason why nuclear power is bad. Of course, this woman got killed in that awful radiation blast that her ghost glows in the dark.

And yet another reason why nuclear power isn’t bad. Also, try to touch her and you risk exposure to radiation poisoning, which you certainly don’t want. Field could’ve also been a nuclear testing site like Los Alamos since they say she appears out west like Nevada, Arizona, or New Mexico.

Legend tells of a glowing vanishing woman who appears at night in the farm fields. It’s said she glows like that because the field was once the sight of an explosion of a nuclear power facility.

23. Play Boy Bunnies

Most horrifying Playboy Bunnies I have ever seen. They are said to have been former Playboy Playmates who became part of some mad scientist’s experiment.

More like the Ferocious Porno Bunnies from Hell if you ask me.

24. The Undefeated

Give em’ one for the Lord! Seriously, why put Jesus in a boxing ring? Still, I can understand why Islam forbids pictures of Muhammad. And there are plenty of tacky Jesus pictures I’m sure.

Nothing defines Jesus as the Prince of Peace than depicting him in an arena associated with hand to hand combat.

25. Blue Pesto

It’s said this monster’s existence is the stuff of legend wherever it’s from be it some Slavic or Muslim country or someone’s hallucinogenic drug induced imagination?

Don’t look now but it seems that this entire city was built over a blue sea monster.

26. Diaper Babies Gone Wild!

Sure they may seem like two little harmless tykes frolicking in the meadow, until you take a closer look that is. Pictures of children don’t really seem to turn out right.

Sure they may be little but they are little shit machines of doom.

27. Two Trees in Love

Of course, they could both be just settling for one another since they live in such close proximity and that there’s no one else.

Seriously, how does that work out in nature?

28. Spewing Rubik’s Cubes

Now how can this guy manage to put a Rubik’s cube into a bunch of little pieces in order to spit them all out?

From MOBA: “This image of the classic 1980s toys emanating from a jester gargoyle’s mouth can only be described as puzzling.”

29. Safe at Home

Sure he may have won the game today, but there’s a good chance he may take a permanent leave of absence after being eaten and all.

As the old town favorite scores a home run, he and the catcher are devoured by some mysterious headless monster.

30. On Vacation in Italy

Seriously, what’s with the dead houseplants in front of a beach view sunset? It’s kind of depressing.

Should more or less be called, “Forgot to Tell the Neighbors to Water My Houseplants While I’m Gone.”

For More:

The Museum of Bad Art (MOBA): http://www.museumofbadart.org/

Seattle’s Bad Art Museum of Art: http://officialbadartmuseumofart.com/

Bad Art Museum of Ohio: http://badartmuseumofohio.blogspot.com/

Museum of Particularly BAD Art: http://www.mopba.org/

Bert Christensen’s Weird, Strange, & Just Plain Bad Art: http://bertc.com/weird/index.htm

How to Survive a Film Noir

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 5, 2014

Around the 1940s and 1950s came a genre in which the lighting is low, the crime and violence are rife, and everyone is trying to use you or kill you. Oh, and the atmosphere is very pessimistic and everyone basically smokes or drinks and lives in the city. In short, you have film noir in which is part crime drama as well as thriller and emphasizes the cynical attitudes and motivations. Sometimes you even have a horror element since many villains tend to do really horrific things, but they’re mostly gangsters for hire. Still, you got plenty of dead bodies and shooting since, well, this is a pretty dark film genre and let’s just say, you’re going to need some guidance if you want to get out alive. And this is the place where I’m going to lay it you straight.

1. Keep it in your pants. (I can never stress this enough since a lot of trouble can be avoided this way. Then again, it also depends who you sleep with. Still, keeping it in your pants will not only save yourself but also the lives of those around you.)

2. If you’re a smart gentleman, stay away from gorgeous dames even if they’re your clients. (I don’t care how horny you are, if she’s out of your league, stay the hell away from her. Highly attractive women are nothing but trouble, especially if she’s married. There’s a reason why we call those dames, femme fatales.)

3. If you’re a woman, dress as plain or frumpy as possible. The more unattractive you look the better. (Film noir is one of the few genres where being an unattractive woman is actually an asset. Sure you may not get a lot of guys ogling at you but at least you’ll live for the most part. Unattractive men, not so much.)

4. Be in a happy marriage with a loving and faithful spouse, a healthy relationship with your family, stable finances, a squeaky clean record, and with no connections to law enforcement or an organized crime syndicate. (Many problems in film noir usually stem from bad relationships with spouses and family, money problems, criminal past, or connections to law enforcement or organized crime.)

5. Have a healthy relationship with your romantic partner based on reciprocated love as well as mutual trust and fidelity. (A relationship based on mutual lust {which most romantic relationships are in film noir}, is one-sided, unhealthy, or has at least one unfaithful partner, you’re chances of surviving are slim. Unhealthy relationships in film noir usually end very, very badly. And in unhappy film noir marriages, divorce is not really an option.)

6. Don’t shoot anyone unless you really have to like if someone is pointing a gun at you. (Committing first-degree murder will result in lower survival odds or the clink. Self-defense may not have much better odds.)

7. Occupations to avoid: private investigator, policeman, boxer, nightclub entertainer, gangster, bar tender, waiter, nightclub owner, drifter, con artist, insurance agent, writer, journalist, musician, gambler, pawnbroker, restauranteur, socialite, heiress, and trophy wife.

8. Remember, don’t put a lot of trust in other people, especially strangers. Rather don’t trust anybody until their true character alignment is known. (For even those you trust can easily stab you in the back both figuratively and literally.)

9. If you’re a man, stay away from seemingly wholesome mysterious women who may need your help. (They have something to hide and aren’t really so wholesome once you get to know them. And they’re certainly not helpless either.)

10. Avoid nightclubs, warehouses, bars, gambling dens, and juke joints. (They may be run by an organized crime syndicate and are dens of nothing but trouble. That or the bad guys just hang out there, but you still might want to avoid them.)

11. Don’t be a henchman. (It’s film noir’s equivalent to a redshirt since they may have to take it from both sides. Not only do they have to worry about being killed by the good guy but the bad guy may have them take the fall or for other purposes.)

12. If you’re falsely accused of a crime, get away as far as you can and don’t expect justice to prevail. (Because sometimes it doesn’t and you may end up getting killed eventually.)

13. Don’t plan to kill anyone. (Because if you follow through with it, your days will be numbered. And let’s just say, you may be subject to the death penalty. Still, one way or another, it will catch up with you.)

14. If you have any information critical to the plot, tell the anti-hero or at least someone with a good character alignment. (Because you may simply be killed if you tell anyone else who may kill for it, even the cops. I mean you can’t trust anyone in film noir.)

15. Don’t do any job for a large sum of money. (You won’t have any opportunity to spend it.)

16. If someone tells you to get out of town, just do it and don’t look back. (I don’t care what’s on your conscience or if you’re emotionally invested in something, just get the hell out of there because something bad will happen.)

17. It helps if you’re not only the protagonist but also the voice-over narrator. (Well, assuming that these sequences aren’t flashbacks.)

18. Always travel with a buddy and only during the day. (Because you’re more likely to get shot during nighttime and alone.)

19. Remember, you may be born with a clean slate but if you do anything bad to anyone or break the law, it will catch up to you. (And sometimes you may be killed over it or arrested. In film noir, the good guys will get you for breaking the law and hurting one of their own, while the bad guys will get you for just about any excuse.)

20. Don’t get involved in con games, heists, or organized crime. (It won’t end well.)

21. If you’re a guy, don’t get involved in schemes involving a beautiful unhappily married woman wanting to kill her husband in hopes of attaining some degree of material gain. (Because even if you succeed, you and the woman will eventually end up dead by the end.)

22. If you’re a male private investigator, if an attractive woman asks you for help or protection, turn her down. (People may die if you accept.)

23. Expect betrayal. (Especially if you’re low on the totem pole and don’t have a lot of lines.)

24. If you’re a drifter, if you’re just passing through some place, just pass through. (If you stay awhile, something bad will happen.)

25. Remember that the good guys aren’t really that good but the bad guys may be especially evil.

More Honest Movie Titles

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 4, 2014

1. The Goodbye Girl: Forced Cohabitation Leads to Love

2. The Ox-Bow Incident: Vigilantism Is Not Heroism

3. Minority Report: Pre-Crime Is Not 100% Effective

4. Close Encounters with the Third Kind: UFO Enthusiasts Make Bad Husbands

5. Greenfingers: Gardening for Convicts

6. The Last of the Mohicans: Daniel Day-Lewis’ Nice Hair

7. All Quiet on the Western Front: Everybody Dies

8. I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang: How I Stole $15 and Fucked Up My Life

9. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?: Bette Davis Makes a Terrible Caregiver, Serving Rat and Canary to Disabled People, Extreme Sister Rivalry

10. My Fair Lady: Closeted Metrosexuals the Musical, Girls as Dolls the Musical

11. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers: Abduction Leads to Shotgun Weddings the Musical

12. A Big Hand for the Little Lady: Never Underestimate Women in Poker

13. Pocahontas: Disney Flunks American History

14. An American in Paris: Despite Its Perks, Highly Disappointing Musical

15. Lars and the Real Girl: Guys and Dolls the Non-Musical Literal Version

16. How to Steal a Million: How to Steal a Worthless Fake to Bail Out Your Dad

17. Leave Her to Heaven: Possessive Girlfriends Ruin Your Life

18. Judgement at Nuremberg: Love of Nation Does Not Justify the Means, Patriotism is No Excuse for Genocide

19. Hannah and Her Sisters: Woody Allen’s Hilarious Death Scare

20. In a Lonely Place: Humphrey Bogart Really Needs Anger Management, Anger Issues Can Create Serious Problems

21. The Barefoot Contessa: Impotence Leads to Crimes of Passion, Forced Sexless Marriage Kills

22. Joan of Arc: The Director’s Cut Is Much Better, Warrior Women Get Screwed

23. The Lost Weekend: Ray Milland Really Needs to Quit Drinking, Drinking and Writing Don’t Mix, Seriously, You Need Help, Man

24. The Birds: Swarming Attack Birds Don’t Shit, Seriously, Where’s All the Bird Poop?, Everything Must Be Covered in Bird Shit by the End

25. Titanic: Happy Old Woman Who’s Fondest Memory Is Having a Fleeting Romance with a Guy She Fucked in a Back of a Car on a Boat that Sunk

26. Tender Mercies: 1980s Crazy Heart, Sort of

27. The Days of Wine and Roses: Alcoholism Ruins Everything, Drinking Is Not Cool

28. Jurassic Park: Mostly Cretaceous Park, A Theme Park of Cloned Dinosaurs Is a Very Bad Idea

29. Pan’s Labyrinth: CGI Mythological Monsters Can’t Be More Scarier than Evil Fascist Captain, My Evil Stepfather Is a Bloodthirsty Fascist

30. The Night of the Hunter: Beware of Preachers with Tattoos

31. Cape Fear (1960’s): Scorsese Ruined This in the 1990s, Robert Mitchum Is Creepy

32. Ted: Filthy Children’s Toy and Manchild

33. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: Is this a Nightmare Sequence or a Drug Trip?

34. Raising Arizona: Sympathetic Baby Snatchers

35. Groundhog Day: Bill Murray Lives for a Day Over and Over Again

36. Some Like It Hot: Jack Lemmon Has Major Gender Identity Issues

37. In Bruges: Gangsters Stick to Their Fucking Principles, Colin Farrell and Four People from Harry Potter

38. Hercules: Disney Fails Greek Mythology

39. Birth of a Nation: White Power the Silent Version, KKK Recruitment Propaganda, Rated W for White Supremacy, 3 Hours of Racism

40. Sunset Boulevard: Hollywood Screws People Up Big Time

41. Duel in the Sun: Not Your Conventional Gregory Peck Movie, Gregory Peck Is a Very Bad Man in This, 1940s Western Fanservice

42. Magic Mike: Maybe Male Strip Shows Aren’t that Entertaining, Nice Chest Scenes, Depressing Plot

43. The Master: Three Actors Waste Talent on Disappointing Script

44. The Hands of Orlac: Stranglers Shouldn’t Be Hand Donors

45. Apocalypto: Mel Gibson Fails Pre-Columbian Civilizations

46. Freaks: Freak Show Performers Are People, Too

47. The Brothers Bloom: Con Men Sure Have Issues, Crazy Rich Girls Make Everything Better Eventually

48. Spellbound: Don’t Talk to Strangers Especially Crazy and Potentially Dangerous Ones Unless They’re Hot

49. The Gods Must Be Crazy: Glass Bottles Create Tribal Disharmony, Glass Bottles Must Be Disposed Accordingly

50. Death at a Funeral: Don’t Take Vicodin Before a Funeral, Especially from a Drug Dealer, Murphy’s Law Funeral Style, Controlled Substances Make Funerals Interesting

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Monthly Archives: February 2014