A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Good Riddance (F**ked Up Our Lives)”

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On a foggy Tuesday morning, the Baudelaires wash up on the shores of Briny Beach, the place where all their troubles began when Mr. Poe announced that their parents had died in a horrible fire at their mansion. Speaking of him, guess who the kids run into? You guessed it, the banker himself who’s a personification why child placement services should be handled by social workers. So Mr. Poe emerges from the fog saying that J.S. told him to come but he doesn’t know who that its. Nor does he know why. Anyway, he’s determined to take the Baudelaires away with him, telling them: “You’ve been missing for a very long time, children! It was very inconsiderate of you to run away without telling me where you were, particularly when you’ve been accused of murder, arson, kidnapping, and some assorted misdemeanors!” But the children have no intention of going with him for obvious reasons like the fact he’s an idiot who has no idea what a background check means in screening potential guardians. Seriously, I really don’t need to explain. They have to get in a taxi and that’s what they’re going to do. The driver is a mysterious woman with poetry books by Lewis Carroll and T.S. Eliot. And she introduces herself as Kit Snicket.

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I decided end The Grim Grotto with “Good Riddance (The Time of Your Life)” by Green Day since it’s a goodbye song and titled such for Billy Joe Armstrong when his girlfriend moved to Ecuador at the time and he was kind of pissed about that. Due to its mellow sound, it’s become a huge hit at prom dances as a song reflecting high school nostalgia. In this version, I basically have the Baudelaires meeting Mr. Poe and telling him to stick it since he is one of the most worthless human beings on the planet.

 

“Good Riddance (F**ked Up Our Lives)”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
We’re back at Briny Beach, oh shit, it’s Mr. Poe
Afraid we got a date, so the answers clearly no
Sorry, Mr. Poe, but you’re a pretty useless guy
It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it bites,
I hope you know how you fucked up our lives.

Klaus:
It’s Herman Melville, Sir, case you don’t already know
A taxi’s waiting out for us, so now we have to go
We’ve learned for sometime not to count on you
Trust you for one last thing we’re all through

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it bites,
I hope you know how you fucked up our lives.

Both:
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it bites,
I hope you know how you fucked up our lives.

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it bites,
I hope you know how you fucked up our lives.

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A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “This Is Such a Bumpy Ride”

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However, Klaus doesn’t have much time to mourn Fiona since he and his sisters have to get out of the Carmelita and get to Briny Beach. After Sunny repairs the porthole with gum, the Baudelaires set off on their difficult and bumpy journey. With Violet at steering and Klaus at the charts on the Queequeg, they escape the Carmelita’s jaws and set towards Briny Beach. Though they have to stay totally silent as the mysterious entity shaped like a long eyebrow passes them by.  However, the trip doesn’t take long which is about overnight since they eat Violet’s cake at some point. They find themselves on the foggy shores of Briny Beach the next morning.

Gorgonian Grotto

For this part I went with Steppenwolf’s “Magic Carpet Ride” since it’s a song describing a journey. So it kind of fits. In this version, I have the Baudelaires take a journey from the Carmelita to Briny Beach.

 

“This Is Such a Bumpy Ride”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Let’s get out, yes, yes, and learn to steer this submarine
Someone fix that porthole on the floor
Gum will do the trick, Sunny
Get far, to sea, let’s escape to Briny Beach

Well, you don’t know what we can find
While we’re operating this submarine
This is such a bumpy ride
You don’t know what we can see
Better be fast getting to Briny Beach
Meet up with a taxi
Close your eyes now
Look inside now
Start the engines and escape

Klaus:
Not sure where my Fiona’s at
Though I so wished she stayed
But we must get to Briny Beach
Well, what’s that? Don’t want to see that again
Let’s look around, we should get up off the ground

Well, you don’t know what we can find
While we’re operating this submarine
This is such a bumpy ride
You don’t know what we can see
Better be fast getting to Briny Beach
Meet up with a taxi
Close your eyes now
Look inside now
Start the engines and escape

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “If I Never Knew You”

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Granted, Fiona isn’t happy about her betrayal or crushing Klaus’s heart either. It’s clear that Count Olaf and Esme don’t respect her as they’re plundering the Queequeg as they speak. Just as the Baudelaires hand over the mushroom filled diving helmet to her so she can use it for her mycological research, Olaf snatches it with intentions of poisoning the orphans until Esme talks him out of it. Yet, he’s also overjoyed since the helmet gives him the potential to use it as a biological weapon for murder and extortion. Meanwhile Esme is stealing Mrs. Widdershins’ jewelry and calling her “Triangle-Eyes.” Fiona is understandably horrified by the whole thing. Fortunately, the question mark object appears on the sonar screen that prompts Count Olaf and his henchmen to leave for their battle stations to get away from it. Now Fiona is alone with the Baudelaires whom she’s supposed to guard and take to the brig. However, whether it’s out of her feelings for Klaus or that the kids were nice to her,  she decides to help them escape. So she picks up her mushroom book says some parting words to Klaus and kisses him on the lips before disappearing into the porthole. Still, whether you love her or hate her, Fiona exists to illustrate that the heroes and villains in our lives are human beings who can suffer lapses of judgement or be swayed into compassion. Nonetheless, while Fiona may not be perfect, but while she betrayed the Baudelaires by going to Count Olaf which put a metaphorical knife in Klaus’s chest, she let them escape them escape him for practically nothing in return.

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The song I selected here is the pop version of “If I Never Knew You” from Pocahontas which is a rendition for a song cut from the movie. It was supposed to be a duet between Pocahontas and John Smith as the latter is about to face execution for killing Kocoum (despite not having a gun on him and that Thomas actually shot him to save his life). In this version, I have Klaus and Fiona say goodbye to each other after what they went through. A fitting end to their tragic time together which was marred by so much more than a gushing river.

 

“If I Never Knew You” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Klaus Baudelaire and Fiona

Fiona:
If I never knew you
If I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be

And if I never kissed you
I would never have a clue
How at last I’d find in you
The missing part of me.

In this world so full of fear
Full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear
In your eyes
So dry your eyes
And I’m so grateful to you
I’d have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you

Klaus:
If I never knew you
I’d be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel
A love so strong and true

I’m so grateful to you
I’d have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you

Fiona:
I thought our love would be so beautiful

Klaus:
Somehow we’d make the whole world bright

Both:
I never knew that greed and hate could be so strong
All they’d leave us were these whispers in the night
But still my heart is saying we were right

Klaus:
Oh if I never knew you

Fiona:
There’s no moment I regret

Klaus:
If I never felt this love

Fiona:
Since the moment that we met

Klaus:
I would have no inkling of

Fiona:
If our time has gone too fast

Klaus:
How precious life can be…

Fiona:
I’ve lived at last…

Both:
I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we’d make the whole world bright

Klaus:
I thought you could ever be so wonderful
You put us through a horrible plight
As my heart breaks for you in the night

Both:
And still my heart is saying we were right

Fiona:
We were right
And if I never knew you

Klaus:
If I never knew you

Fiona:
I’d have lived my whole life through

Klaus:
Empty as the sky

Both:
Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you

 

 

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Burn”

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The news that Fiona has joined up with Count Olaf’s troupe is shocking and horrible enough for the Baudelaires. But it completely shatters Klaus who was practically head over heels with her and was planning to use his favorite food for to represent her in their planned food code. Sure Fiona did it to be with her brother, Fernald and has major issues with familial abandonment. So it’s no wonder why she fell to his temptation and persuasion to join up with him. Yet, while Klaus may understand her feelings regarding her family, the betrayal hits him like a punch in the gut. His heart is broken and yet, despite knowing what she did to him and his sisters, he never gets over her. Nevertheless, you have to imagine what’s going through his head such as shock, anger, and hurt. After all, Klaus thinks the world of her and even loves her. Yet, seeing her aligned with his worst enemy just breaks him.

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I couldn’t think of a more appropriate song for him at this moment than “Burn” from Hamilton in which his wife Eliza is devastated hearing about her husband’s affair with Maria Reynolds and blackmail. As a result, she cuts Alex off and makes him sleep in his office. In real life, Eliza already knew about the Reynolds Affair before her husband made a fool of himself and published the Reynolds Pamphlet in an attempt to clear his name. However, while Eliza was understandably upset with the whole thing, she and Alex did reconcile. Since they had two more kids after that. In this version, I have Klaus react to Fiona’s betrayal.

 

“Burn” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Klaus Baudelaire

I savored each moment I spent with you
From the moment I met you
I knew you were mine
You said you were mine
I thought you were mine

Do you know what Violet said
When she first saw us making eyes?
She said

“Be careful with that one, Klaus
She will do what it takes to survive.”

You and your words flooded my senses
Your sentences left me defenseless
You built me palaces out of sentiments
You built cathedrals
I’m recalling the times that I saw you
I’m searching and scanning for answers
In every thought
For some kind of sign
And when you were mine
The world seemed to

Burn
Burn

You let your hook handed brother persuade you
You defended your choice to bring him onboard
In your own step-dad’s sub
In joining his troupe, you have ruined our lives
Do you know what your Fernald did
Way back at Anwhistle Aquatics?
Vi said
He burnt down the edifice
As well as poor old Gregor alive.

You and your words, obsessed with your mycology…
Your sentences border on senseless
And you overlook the deeds of your brother
How he deceives you

You, you, you…

I’m erasing you from my memories
Let my mother’s ex wonder how Klaus
Reacted when you broke his heart
You have torn it all apart
I am watching it
Burn
Watching it burn
The world has no right to my heart
The world has no place in my dreams
They don’t get to know what I said
I’m burning the memories
Burning the moments that might have redeemed you
You forfeit all rights to my heart
You forfeit your place in my life
Go sleep with your brother instead
With only the memories
Of when you were mine
I hope that you burn

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “The Point of No Return”

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Yet, before the Baudelaires can move forward with their planned trip to Briny Beach, Count Olaf shows up with Esme and Carmelita. But he’s also brought Fernald and Fiona with a diving suit straight from The Carmelita octo-sub. Turns out that they couldn’t trust her after all. Now Olaf is reveling since they’re only minutes away from the last safe place and once he’s there, he has one or so he thinks. Fiona then reveals that once Count Olaf and his cronies destroy the Hotel Denouement, they’ll go off in search of Captain Widdershins. Of course, Fiona’s betrayal to the Baudelaires comes as a shattering shock, especially to Klaus. Granted, she’s desperate and wants her family reunited. Violet and Klaus try to reason with Fiona for she and her brother helped them escape and save Sunny. But she refuses to leave Fernald that not even a family photo could sway her otherwise. They then offer her with whatever they could like fixing the sub, Klaus’s commonplace book, and the diving helmet with the Medusoid Mycelium.

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I couldn’t think of a better song than “The Point of No Return” from Phantom of the Opera in which Erik and Christine sing their duet just about the former is about the abduct the latter and take her to his lair. During this time, Christine takes a moment to remove his mask, exposing his face to the audience. In this version, I have Count Olaf announce to the Baudelaires that their friend Fiona has joined up with him and his troupe and is assigned to guard and take them to the brig on The Carmelita while Klaus begs her with the diving helmet of poisoned fungus.

 

“The Point of No Return” (ASOUE Version)

Count Olaf:
What’s with all this wasting time reading poetry, Baudelaires?

I have come here
In pursuit of my deepest urge
In pursuit of that wish which till now
Has been fruitless
Fruitless.

I have come here
That we help ourselves to our spoils
Your friend Fiona’s completely joined up with me, dropped all defenses
Completely joined up with me
Now you are here with me
No second thoughts
She decided
Decided.

Past the point of no return
No backward glances
Your games of make-believe are at an end.

Past all thought of if or when
No use resisting
Abandon hope and let the dream descend

What raging fire shall flood the soul
What rich anger unlocks its door
What sweet catharsis lies before us?

Past the point of no return
The final threshold
What warm unspoken secrets
Will we learn
Beyond the point of no return?

Fiona:
I have come here
Just to guard you and say goodbye
As I’ve decided to join my brother Fernald
Reunited.
United.

I have come here,
Hardly knowing the reason why
Once they destroy the last safe place
We’ll find our stepdad
Our family reunited
Now I am here with him
No second thoughts
I’ve decided
Decided.

Past the point of no return
No going back now
Our passion-play has now come at an end.

Past all thought of right or wrong
One final question
Can you forgive me for what I’ve already done?

I’ve already helped all of you escaped
But I must sell off my soul to trade
Because I can’t ever leave my brother

Fiona and Klaus:
Past the point of no return
The final threshold
The bridge is crossed
So stand and watch it burn
We’ve passed the point of no return.

Klaus:
Say you’ll spare us all
Just take this helmet
Help us, save us from certain death

Say you want us
To survive
And escape
For God’s sake
Just let us all go
Fiona, that’s all I ask of you

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “For What It’s Worth”

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The elder Baudelaires find a tin of wasabi, give some to Sunny, and she is revived just in time. She asks for water, thanks her siblings for saving her, and takes a nap. Violet and Klaus also take the wasabi since they were exposed to the deadly fungus. Just as they try to figure what to do next, they receive a Voluntary Factual Dispatch from none other than Quigley which Violet reads out: “‘It is my understanding that you have three additional volunteers on board STOP.’” she read, remembering that “STOP” indicates the end of a sentence in a telegram. “‘We are in desperate need of their services for a most urgent matter STOP. Please deliver them Tuesday to the location indicated in the rhymes below STOP.’” Of course, given what happened in the last book this must cheer Violet up to know her boyfriend is alive. They then receive a couple of excerpts by Lewis Carroll and T.S. Eliot. But where can they find the books? Then Violet remembers that Fiona mentioned her brother and stepdad once studied poetry together so there must be poetry books on board the Queequeg. So her and Klaus discover the secret poetry books hidden away as well as a family photo when Fernald had hands while his and Fiona’s mom was alive. Though debate on whether they can trust Fiona and her brother, Klaus reluctantly agrees that solving the code and finding Captain Widdershins is more important. Yet, he already solved Lewis Carroll section and states that they need to get to Briny Beach, where all their troubles began.

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The song I went with here is Buffalo Springfield’s “For What It’s Worth” which you’ll find on every soundtrack listing for almost every movie about the 1960s or the Vietnam War. Though often seen as an anti-war song, Stephen Stills was inspired to write the song in wake of the Sunset Strip curfew riots of November 1966 which was an early counterculture clash between police and young people on Hollywood’s Sunset Strip. Due to young people going to music venues and clubs around the area which caused a traffic congestion, a 10 pm curfew ordinance was enacted to deter loitering which the young people thought infringed on their civil rights. A protest rally was arranged outside Pandora’s Box Club on the corner of Sunset Boulevard and Crescent Heights. Things started out peacefully with 1,000 protestors but trouble broke out with unrest continuing for weeks, causing some clubs to shut down. In this version, I have Klaus solve the first part of the code Quigley sent him and his siblings.

 

“For What It’s Worth” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Klaus Baudelaire

It’s Quigley’s telegram here
But what it says ain’t exactly clear
Says of three more volunteers
Saying there’s an urgent matter

I think it’s time we stop
Siblings, what’s that sound?
Everybody look – what’s going down?

He’s listed some rhymes below
Guess this is in the poetic code
Get me Carroll and Eliot books
Not so great with poetics, here we go

It’s time we stop
Hey, what’s that sound?
Everybody look – what’s going down?

He wants to meet on Briny Beach
We’ll get there by submarine
Just have to check with these charts
Let’s get there before Tuesday and start

It’s time we stop
Hey, what’s that sound?
Everybody look – what’s going down?

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you’re always afraid
Step out of line, shit, Count Olaf’s now here at bay

We better stop
Hey, what’s that sound?
Everybody look – what’s going down?

We better stop
Hey, what’s that sound?
Everybody look – what’s going down?

We better stop
Now, what’s that sound?
Everybody look – what’s going down?

We better stop
Siblings, what’s that sound?
Everybody look – what’s going down?

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Stay Alive (Reprise)”

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Back at the Queequeg, Violet and Klaus scramble to cure Sunny who’s nearing death by the minute. Remembering a chapter on of Fiona’s Mushroom Minutiae, he flips to the chapter on the infamous Medusoid Mycelium where he finds the poem in which the cure’s listed as horseradish. He then remembers the horseradish factory reference in Kit Snicket’s letter. So they search the kitchen but there’s no horseradish to be found which is crazy since you’d expect to find some there. They also find a coconut cream cake Phil and Sunny made for Violet’s fifteenth birthday which almost everyone else forgot about. Meanwhile, Sunny wheezes away as if she’s trying to tell her older siblings something. So since she’s the best person to know a horseradish substitute, Violet and Klaus pull out their baby sister from the diving helmet. And by this point, she’s got mushrooms in her mouth. But Sunny musters her remaining breath to tell her siblings the very thing that would save her life.

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The song I went with is “Stay Alive (Reprise)” from Hamilton, in which Philip Hamilton’s parents rush to his side after he’s shot in a duel. Unfortunately, he’s ends up dying in his mother Eliza’s arms while his father Alex is by his side. For Alexander Hamilton, this is a major tragedy that emotionally shatters him beyond all recognition. In this version, Violet and Klaus scramble to find a cure for Sunny who fortunately, ends up saving her own life in the end with one word.

 

“Stay Alive (Reprise)” (ASOUE Version)

Violet:
Stay alive…
Stay alive…
Stay alive…

Klaus:
Where’s that book?
There it is!

Let’s flip over this. I’m sure there’s some information on surviving the Medusoid Mycelium.

“A single spore has such grim power
That you may die within the hour
Is dilution simple? But of course!
Just one small root of a horse.”

Violet:
Why the hell are you looking there?

Klaus:
I’m doing ev’rything I can!
Remember that horseradish factory at Lousy Lane?

Violet:
Horseradish?

Klaus:
Vi
See to the kitchen and go check
I’m sure we’ll find some there

Violet:
Okay, okay. Shh
Okay, okay,
Shh. It’s mostly gum
A coconut cream cake.

Shh

Okay, Okay
Okay, Okay
Okay

Sunny, tell me and
Stay alive…

Klaus:
It
Says “Violet’s Fifteenth Date
We all seemed to forget
We all seemed to forget

Violet:
Stay alive…

Fiona:
No!

Klaus:
It’s the only way!

Violet (Klaus):
Is she breathing? Is she going to survive this? (Stay alive…)

Klaus:
We must find a close horseradish match!

Violet:
Klaus, I think we Sunny’s trying to tell us something

Klaus:
Sunny–

Violet:
We got to get her

Klaus:
Let’s pull her out

Violet:
She’s got mushrooms on her mouth

Klaus:
I don’t know how she will survive

Violet:
She’s wants to tell us something.

Klaus:
Shh. Okay. Okay.

Violet:
Please, God, don’t let her die.

Klaus:
Dear God, please don’t.

Violet:
Un deux trois quatre
Cinq six sept huit neuf

Good
Un deux trois quatre
Cinq six sept
Huit neuf
Sept huit neuf—
Sept huit…

Klaus:
Un deux trois quatre
Cinq six sept huit neuf

Sunny:
Wasabi…