Green Eggs and Hamtastic Dr. Seuss Treats

Roast Beast

Aside from Green Eggs and Ham, Dr. Seuss doesn’t really get into food as much as some of the fantastical stuff in his books. Though there is The Battle Butter Book where the Yooks and the Zooks engage in an arms race over a disagreement on buttering one’s bread. Yes, it sounds silly but the ending is truly dark and disturbing since it escalated to nukes. Then there’s also a book about making the best scrambled eggs with the eggs coming from various exotic birds. Oh, and the fact the Grinch steals the roast beast along with other forms of Who food including the last can of Who hash. Nevertheless, when you look on Pinterest, you’d find so many Dr. Seuss treats for themed parties. Of course, these are mostly for kids. Yet, many of them can be quite whimsical nonetheless. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of Dr. Seuss treats.

  1. Dr. Seuss cake pops should always come in spectacular patterns.

Yes, these are certainly in great Seussical patterns in red, white, and light blue. But they won’t be the only ones you’ll see on this post.

2. The best kind of Dr. Seuss cake has green eggs and ham on top.

This is for a baby’s first birthday party. But it comes with  its own set of cupcakes.

3. You’ll be amazed to find what’s in this Truffula cake.

Indeed, it has plenty of pastel layers inside. Though the Truffulas on it hardly look impressive.

4. You don’t need a special occasion to eat a slice of bread with the Cat in the Hat.

After all, it contains the iconic red and white stripe hat. Also, is in a rather crazy design.

5. Perhaps a Cat in the Hat fruit salad platter can entice you.

Mostly consist of strawberry and banana slices. Yet, makes for a healthy snack for a kid’s party.

6. Hope you have a heart for these Grinch Oreo cookie treats.

Sure the heart might be small. And these are more suited for Christmas. But the Grinch is an iconic character in the Seuss canon.

7. There’s nothing more unforgettable than a cake featuring Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Another first birthday cake in 3 tiers. Still, it’s a bit more festive and Seusslike than the first one.

8. This Lorax lunch will satisfy anyone who speaks for the trees.

Includes a Lorax sandwhich and some Truffula tree treets. Contains a side of broccoli.

9. No child could resist this lunch from the Cat in the Hat.

Yet, the hat seems to be quite small for his head. Yet, the sandwich is certainly in his likeness.

10. No dessert platter is complete without this whimsical Dr. Seuss cake.

Contains imagery from the Lorax, the Cat in the Hat, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, and Oh, the Places You’ll Go. So cute.

11. There’s something fishy about these cupcakes.

Most of these contain one fish. Some have two. Some of these are red. And some of these are blue.

12. For healthier options, check out these Cat in the Hat fruit snacks.

Sure they may contain marshmallow heads with his face. But the hats consist of strawberry and banana.

13. With this cake, think of all the places you’ll go.

Funny how this cake is based on a kid’s book given to graduates. Still, you have to love the colors.

14. Cotton candy makes great tuffs for Truffula trees.

Yet, remember that cotton candy mostly consist of sugar. But you can easily see why they’re great for Truffula trees.

15. If you like Green Eggs and Ham and the Cat in the Hat, then check out this cake.

Even has a long fork into the green ham at the top. Also love the striped hat underneath it.

16. For a hot lunch, you can’t go wrong with a Lorax quesadilla.

Nice that it has some cheesy eyes and a mustache of cheddar. And though it’s not orange, it greatly resembles him.

17. A Lorax pizza can certainly make anyone’s day.

Contains olive eyes and a cheddar mustache. And it’s quite small as you see it next to a spoon.

18. If you liked the Bar-ba-loots, I suppose you’ll take to these snacks.

Funny how they don’t seem to have stuff pertaining to the Humming Fish and the Swamee Swans. Still, these consist of chocolate teddy bear crackers and mini marshmallows.

19. For healthier options, this Lorax lunch is a real treat.

Contains fruit and veggie Truffula trees. Yet, the Lorax here is extra cheesy.

20. These Dr. Seuss cupcakes can’t be beat on any dessert platter.

Includes toppers from the Lorax, Cat in the Hat, Green Eggs and Ham, Oh, the Places You’ll Go, and One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Some of them even have quotes, too.

21. If you’re into the zany, this Dr. Seuss cake will certainly suit you.

Depicts many of your old favorites as you can see. Also, has some crazy decor on the top.

22. If you like Green Eggs and Ham, then you’ll love this bento lunch.

Okay, I think there might be green egg candies and dyed ham. But at least it’s among orange rice.

23. Speaking of Green Eggs and Ham, how about these cupcakes?

These are green velvet cupcakes with green and white icing on them. Still, wonder what the ham cake looks like with these.

24. Nothing makes a great Dr. Seuss birthday party like Cat in the Hat pizza.

Sure it mainly consists of pepperoni. But its perfect for any Dr. Seuss occasion.

25. I’m positive anyone will eat this Green Eggs and Ham cake.

Yes, it’s a cake consisting of green eggs and ham for someone’s birthday. Nevertheless, it almost resembles the illustration.

26. These Sneetch Oreo truffle bites are hard to resist.

Some of these contain two stars. Others just one. But each is special in its own way.

27. If you want healthy snacks, you can’t go wrong with a fruity Thing 1 and Thing 2.

These are mainly comprised of banana, strawberries, and blueberries. And they’re both held together by toothpicks.

28. Seems like the Cat in the Hat wants to wish someone a happy birthday.

Yes, it’s probably from a high end bakery. But you can’t help but love it. So adorable.

29. Bet you can’t guess which Dr. Seuss book comes with these cupcakes.

Let me guess, the Lorax, the Cat in the Hat, Yertle the Turtle, Green Eggs and Ham, the Sneetches, and the Batle Butter Book. Still, the one on the far right is trick.

30. These Cat in the Hat cupcakes will surely suit your Seussical fancy.

The hats here consist of red icing and marshmallows. Yet, all make a fantastical Seuss treat.

31. Get a load of these fishy cookies.

Yes, these are from One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. And they couldn’t use a blue fish since Swedish fish were involved.

32. This Dr. Seuss bento lunch will satisfy any child’s taste.

Yes, another Seuss bento lunch. But at least it has a little more Cat in the Hat.

33. This Cat in the Hat cake is almost by the book.

Well, it’s a cake of the book. But it’s surely an iconic one in the Seuss canon.

34. How about some Truffula tree cake pops on a stick?

Well, Truffula cake pops are surely appropriate for a Lorax themed party. And these sticks are even made to resemble the trunks.

35. Surely anyone would want a Dr. Seuss cake well-stacked.

Okay, this is considerably overboard. But it’s oddly fitting considering Dr. Seuss’s illustrations.

36. These cupcakes make the best Sneetch treats.

As in the book, some of these have green stars. And some have no stars at all.

37. What in the hell are these cupcake things?

Okay, these cupcakes are supposed to imitate Thing 1 and Thing 2. The cotton candy gives the impression of their blue hair.

38. There’s something very grinchy about these cupcakes.

Well, these are Grinch cupcakes. And each has a grinchy face as well as a heart 3 sizes too small.

39. Hope you have a taste for this Cat in the Hat sandwich.

Yes, he certainly looks spiffy. Love what they did with the hat. So adorable.

40. For your Grinchy Christmas celebrations, may I suggest this cake?

Depicts the Grinch in a Santa hat. And yes, he’s bent on stealing Christmas since he’s fed up with holiday consumerism.

41. Nothing welcomes a new fish in your family like this Dr. Seuss cake.

So I guess there are Dr. Seuss themed baby showers. Well, makes sense. But this cake probably has a steep price.

42. Any child who’s read One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish will find this lunch a real treat.

Yes, this is certainly a fishy lunch. Even has a fish sandwich and fish crackers.

43. If you love Oh, the Places You’ll Go, you’ll adore these Dr. Seuss cookies.

Yes, these may be professionally made. But they greatly resemble the book’s illustrations.

44. This Lorax lunch can surely speak for the trees.

Mostly consist of the Lorax sandwich with him in cheese. At any rate, it’s an almost exact likeness.

45. These cheese trees make great party appetizer platters.

By the way, the cheese trees are from Fox in Socks. I know it’s kind of insane.

46. This Lorax cake has a forest of Truffula trees.

And here we have the Lorax on a stump who speaks for them. Too bad the Once-ler didn’t listen.

47. There’s so much to love about this Cat in the Hat cake.

This one is for another first birthday. And yes, it’s almost like you’d see in a Dr. Seuss illustration.

48. This Cat in the Hat muffin tin lunch has almost everything a kid could want.

Well, it certainly includes 6 courses on it. Even a cup of red and white stripes.

49. These Lorax cupcakes will surely make your party a hit.

Consists of the Lorax, Truffula trees, and the Bar-ba-loots. Great for any Lorax themed party.

50. There’s nothing greener to eat than this Green Eggs and Ham lunch.

Well, except a Saint Patrick’s Day lunch of course. But you get the idea here.

51. Green Eggs and Ham cookies will please anyone willing to try them.

Well, they’re small cookies of green eggs and ham. Yet, each is professionally iced in its own way.

52. For appetizers, you can’t go wrong with these Cat in the Hat snacks.

These consist of cherry tomatoes and cheese stacked on Ritz crackers. Toothpicks required which goes without saying.

53. Of course, this would be a perfect cake for Dr. Seuss.

After all, it’s in the form of a book. Also consists of the Cat in the Hat’s hat and green eggs and ham.

54. Nothing makes a kid jump with glee than these Horton marshmallow treats.

These are from Horton Hatches an Egg since it contains a nest. Still, these are cute and fluffy.

55. I’m sure no Dr. Seuss fan can resist these cookies.

Well, they certainly consist of many people’s favorites. Though they’re definitely professionally made.

56. Wake up in the morning with some fruity Cat in the Hat toast.

Also, contains some whipped cream. Part of a complete Dr. Seuss breakfast.

57. These Grinch cupcakes will bring you loads of Christmas joy.

Unlike the other Grinch cupcakes, these have Santa hats on them. But each have a smile and yellow eyes.

58. This Cat in the Hat cake has 3 things on the top.

Guess this is for a kid’s 3rd birthday. Nevertheless, it’s as Seussical as can be.

59. How about some ham for your green deviled egg?

Goes without saying these are from Green Eggs and Ham. Though the ham isn’t green and is much smaller.

60. Which cupcake do you want? Truffula tree or Lorax?

Yes, the Lorax cupcakes all look the same. And the Truffula trees have different colors on them. But can’t the two be able to coexist?

61. This Dr. Seuss cake seems to have some interesting candles.

Then again, they may be made from icing. But at least this one contains many of your favorites.

62. This Dr. Seuss cake seems like it can fall down any minute.

Yes, these cakes can be quite elaborate and rather expensive. But in Dr. Seuss treat post, you can’t leave them out.

63. A Grinch cake can bring you endless joy for the Christmas season.

This one has a house with the Grinch on Mt. Crumpit. I know it’s kind of pretty but also has a whimsical touch.

64. These green egg cookies will surely make a fine addition to an Dr. Seuss dessert platter.

And these don’t seem very difficult to decorate at all. Since green and white icing is all you need.

65. This Lorax snack seems particularly fruity.

The Lorax is made of canned fruit. And he has a Truffula tree with a pretzel trunk beside him.

66. You can’t have a Dr. Seuss party without a Cat in the Hat cake.

This one is a more 3-dimensional model. But it certainly works with the book decor it’s on.

67. Nothing makes kids excited for reading like a Cat in the Hat pizza.

Yes, it’s another Cat in the Hat pizza. But this one has a more curvy look to it.

68. If you liked the Cat in the Hat Comes Back, you might enjoy this cake.

After all, it’s the one where the Cat in the Hat crashes the kids’ home again and eats cake in a tub. Of course, he leaves a pink ring in it.

69. Here’s another cake showing the whimsical world of Dr. Seuss.

Yes, I know I have a lot of cakes on here. But each of them is spectacular as can be.

70. This Lorax cake really speaks for the trees.

This one has the Lorax on top and the Truffula Forest on the bottom. So pretty.

71. If you’re expecting a couple of little tings, you might want to go with this cake.

Even has Thing 1 and Thing 2 onesies. Also like how it’s surrounded by blue cupcakes.

72. As we should remember, a cupcake’s a cupcake no matter how small.

As you can see, these are from Horton Hears a Who!. And each contains a pink clover.

73. For breakfast will it be Cat in the Hat or Green Eggs and Ham?

Yet, I’d have to remind you that the Cat in the Hat one contains more calories. Just so you know.

74. Peanut cookies make great Loraxes.

Now these seem pretty easy. Just decorate them with eyes and a yellow mustache and you’re good to go.

75. A Dr. Seuss lunch should always have a couple of things.

Well, Thing 1 and Thing 2 anyway. But at any rate, this is adorable.

76. For hot summer days, you might want to try a Cat in the Hat ice cream treat.

Comes with a cone for the hat and pretzels for whiskers. Perfect for a Dr. Seuss kind of day.

77. Or perhaps you’d want some Cat in the Hat marshmallow treats.

These consist of marshmallows and fruit roll-ups. And they certainly have the Seussical charm.

78. If you want to keep it simple, this is the Cat in the Hat lunch for you.

Just consists of a fish in a bowl sandwich and Cat in the Hat apple slices. What more can you want?

79. This Dr. Seuss lunch has a little bit from his most famous books.

You see a bit of Cat in the Hat, Green Eggs and Ham, Horton Hears a Who, and the Lorax. There might be a few others as well.

80. Lorax pretzels make a quality Dr. Seuss snack.

Each of these consists of a waffle pretzel decorated with icing to resemble the Lorax. Simple as that.

81. Dr. Seuss pasta should always have zany colors.

Helps if you use blue alfredo sauce, too. Resembles something you’d eat at a Whoville restaurant.

82. Truffula cookies should be served on a stick.

Yes, these are professionally made. But like Truffula trees, they come in a vast array of colors.

83. These Cat in the Hat treats will satisfy any Dr. Seuss dessert enthusiast.

Consists of icing, Oreos, and lifesavers. Pretty simple to assemble a kid can do it.

84. Green egg pretzel bites are a perfect Dr. Seuss snack.

Just consists of icing, waffle pretzels, and green M&Ms. So you should have no trouble making them.

85. With a pear, you can make your own Sneetch treat.

And it almost resembles the illustration. Nevertheless, this is kind of neat.

86. No Dr. Seuss party should ever go without a green eggs and ham appetizer platter.

Well, they’re green deviled eggs with ham slices. But the ham isn’t green.

87. In these Oh, the Places You’ll Go cupcakes contain plenty of surprises.

These are full of sprinkles as you can see. They also have layers upon layers of colors consisting of cake.

88. For a healthy Dr. Seuss lunch, say hello to a grinchy sandwich.

Also has a green egg and apple slices for sides. But yes, you’d want to eat the Grinch sandwich, would you?

89. Now help yourself to some literal green eggs and ham.

Yet, unlike the book, the ham isn’t green. Yet, the eggs are thanks to the magic of food coloring.

90. If you don’t like green eggs and ham alone, these pesto bacon cups will suit you fine.

Still, they might have a lot of grease on them. Yet, they’d be quite gourmet for a Dr. Seuss breakfast.

91. Check out these fishy cookies.

These are straight out of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. And unlike the last bunch, they’re at least the right colors and shapes.

92. You can’t have a Lorax party without a pizza that speaks for the cheese.

Toppings consists of cheese, peppers, and olives. But certainly bears a resemblance to the old Lorax himself.

93. Which do you want fish or hats?

I know these are professionally made. But you can’t help but love them.

94. This Lorax bento lunch is perfect for hikes in the Truffula forest.

That is until the Once-ler comes around and decimates it for his thneeds. Again, I can’t say what they’re used for.

95. Perhaps a more colorful Lorax bento would suit you.

Well, this makes bento box into an art form. Consists of Truffula trees, the Lorax, Bar-ba-loots, Swamee Swans, and “Unless.”

96. For more greens, go with a Grinchy veggie tray.

Though I’d insist, it’s more appropriate for the holidays. Since he’s from a Christmas story.

97. Fans of Oh, the Places You’ll Go would want to have this veggie tray.

This one has a whole variety of veggies cut in different ways. Perfect for any Dr. Seuss party.

98. You can eat this bento lunch here. You can eat it there. You can even eat it anywhere.

Yes, this is from Green Eggs and Ham. And it even has green hard-boiled eggs to boot.

99. For a colorful cake, may I suggest Oh, the Places You’ll Go.

Because let’s face it, the Lorax isn’t a very happy story. Also, you might like some of the cake pops on this. So cute.

100. And finally, the veggies are stacked on this Yertle the Turtle bento lunch.

However, I have to remind you that Yertle the Turtle is an allegory on fascism. And the turtle stacking had more to do with enhancing Yertle’s own ego.

Fun and Fantastical Dr. Seuss Craft Projects from the Truffula Tree Forest

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The wide world of Dr. Seuss is filled with so many whimsical contraptions that many would find impossible to replicate in real life. At least one in good working order. But they certainly delight us nonetheless. Yet, you’d also find plenty of Dr. Seuss crafts and other items that might whisk you off to Whoville, the Jungle of Nool, or the Truffula Forest. But you’d find a lot of other places, too. Naturally, many of these usually consist of activities catered toward children. Because plenty of schools and parents make use of them. Yet, you’ll also find plenty of other craft items in Dr. Seuss’s fantastical style. None of them consists of thneeds. However, I’m not sure what the hell one is used for anyway except making money for the Once-ler which leads to him decimating the Truffula Forest. Maybe we’re not supposed to. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of charming Dr. Seuss craft projects. Enjoy.

  1. You can make adequate Truffula trees with pool noodles and tissue paper.

Though you might need t use yellow duct tape for the trunk. Still, if you like The Lorax, these can’t be beat.

2. A Cat in the Hat child’s chair is always a delight in the home.

It’s even painted in blue, red, white, and black. I’m sure it’s made by a pro. But I like it.

3. A Green Eggs and Ham pinata is always full of surprises.

But at least in this one, you have candy. Not food-borne diseases like trichinosis.

4. You can’t steal Christmas without a Grinch ugly sweater.

I know Christmas is a long way off. But the Grinch is such an iconic Dr. Seuss character. So I can’t ignore putting a few in this one.

5. No one can say no to a Green Eggs and Ham snack tray.

It just has the green eggs and ham painted on. Nevertheless, it’s quite a work of art.

6. A Dr. Seuss shelf should always create a colorful impression.

This one comes in 3 sections. But you’d certainly find it at a Whoville furniture store.

7. It’s never out of style to wear a Cat in the Hat dress.

And you can’t get any better than with a Cat in the Hat sun dress. Best to wear on rainy summer days.

8. There’s never a bad time to curl up with a book when you have a Cat in the Hat quilt.

Certainly a crazy quilt indeed with all kinds of colors. But it’s as Seussical as can be.

9. This white bookshelf has a mind of its own.

Well, certainly seems like it. Still, not sure if I’d want to have it around my place. The shelves are uneven which is precisely the point.

10. A crocheted Lorax cap will keep your little one nice and warm.

Sure the Lorax is a fuzzy character since he’s orange and hairy with a long yellow mustache. But he’s not particularly cuddly. Though this hat certainly is.

11. Your little ones will always match with these Thing 1 and Thing 2 crocheted caps.

Well, Thing 1 and Thing 2 are the Cat and the Hat’s main entourage. Still, these are cute.

12. If you like Dr. Seuss, then you’ll certainly adore these chairs.

These consist of the Cat in the Hat, Horton Hears a Who, and the Lorax. And all are in bright colors.

13. Red and white stripes with blue feathers always make a great Seuss wreath.

Obviously, This is from the Cat in the Hat. Since the blue reflects the hair from Things 1 & 2.

14. It’s easy to make a Truffula tree with a long stick and fuzz.

Nevertheless, they come in all shapes and sizes. Also, they all come in pots.

15. A Lorax amigurumi always speaks for the trees.

And here he has a Truffula tree in his hand. Though it would be much bigger than him.

16. There’s nothing better to snuggle in than a square diamond Cat in the Hat quilt.

After all, a Seuss quilt comes alive when you use some crazy patterned fabric. Love this.

17. You can’t have a merry Grinchmas without a Grinch wreath.

Even has a Grinch in the center holding candy. And it’s certainly in the festive Christmas spirit.

18. As we all know, Dr. Seuss taught us that reading is fun.

As this canvas hanging shows. Includes the Cat in the Hat, the Lorax, and One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.

19. Nothing makes reading more fun than a Cat in the Hat shelf.

It’s a Cat in the Hat shelf since it’s depicted in the iconic striped hat. Great for any kid’s room.

20. A Cat in a Hat apron is perfect for any kitchen adventure.

Still, you wouldn’t want the Cat in the Hat in your kitchen. Because he’d just make a real mess in there.

21. The Cat in the Hat could only dream of shoes like these.

Since they match his red and white striped hat. Though I wouldn’t want to walk outside with them.

22. A Cat in the Hat quilt like this can always delight on a cold day.

Yet, another Cat in the Hat quilt. I know you might be tired already. But there’s more to come from the other books.

23. “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, it’s not going to get better, it’s not.”

I guess that’s the last Truffula tree. Yes, the Once-ler really fucked up with his insatiable greed.

24. You can always take this Dr. Seuss tote wherever you go.

Well, this bag features many of your favorite characters. It also consists of red and white stripes.

25. Wouldn’t you want this Truffula tree painting on your wall?

Maybe. But if you’re the Once-ler, probably not. Since it can serve as a reminder of how he screwed up.

26. There’s always a way to say “Merry Grinchmas.”

And I’m sure this sign is just the ticket. Love the green arm sticking out with the ornament.

27. Would you like a crocheted green eggs and ham?

Sure you can’t eat them. But you wouldn’t want to eat the real life equivalent either.

28. Nobody can resist a Cat in the Hat chair with a fuzzy seat.

It even has feet with shoes. Still, what’s not to love about this?

29. With this Lorax lampshade, you can illuminate a Truffula forest.

Though it’s more meant to cast shadows of the Lorax and the Truffula trees. But it’s pretty cool.

30. A hat made of ribbons makes a great Dr. Seuss centerpiece.

I guess this is for a Cat in the Hat themed party. But it’s spectacular.

31. Why have one candy dispenser when you can use 2?

Appropriately enough these are in the likeness of Thing 1 and Thing 2. And they both have blue feathered hair.

32. Nobody could ever resist stealing an amigurumi Grinch.

Sure he may not be in his Santa suit. But he sure as hell doesn’t seem like his heart is 3 sizes too small either.

33. Nothing can make your day like a Cat in the Hat bouquet.

Yet, the hat vase has a more twisty, turny stripe pattern. Still, this is perfect for any Dr. Seuss occasion.

34. You can always enjoy reading in this Dr. Seuss rocking chair.

At least I think it’s a rocking chair. But it only uses a few colors for simplicity.

35. This Lorax tote is 100% ec0-friendly.

At least compared to thneeds. For I’m not sure what they do. Still, better than paper or plastic.

36. This chair’s been painted in a real Seuss style.

And it seems to be in a more artistic style than some of the other ones. Like the patterns on the back.

37. How about some Truffula trees on poles.

Well, at least they stand up straight. Though don’t the Truffula trees in the book kind of bend down a little like palm trees?

38. If you love the Grinch, then this panel should tell you the real meaning of Christmas.

This one depicts the Grinch seeing the Whos sing together after he stole all their stuff. Of course, he can’t stop Christmas from coming.

39. Check out these Lorax shoes.

They certainly have great Seuss artwork on them. But the Cat in the Hat ones are much simpler to do.

40. You’d find that this Cat in the Hat bookshelf really comes in handy.

This is kind of neat. Uneven and with everyone’s favorite characters from the book.

41. Welcome guests to your home with a Cat in the Hat wreath.

Even has the Cat in the Hat on it. And it’s in classic colors from the book.

42. There’s something fishy about this chest of drawers.

It’s from One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. But it’s certainly great for a little kid’s room.

43. You can always read and keep warm in this Dr. Seuss quilt.

This one depicts many of the all time favorites. And each square has a lot of colorful illustrations.

44. You can even make your own felt Dr. Seuss hat.

Well, this is the one from the Cat in the Hat. But sure, it’s possible.

45. Grace your table with your very own Truffula tree wreath.

It’s set on the table so the Truffula trees can stand up. Kind of clever if you think about it.

46. Nothing makes your guests feel welcome than this Cat in the Hat wreath.

Couldn’t pass this one up. Since it has his face as well as red tulle and white ribbons.

47. Amigurumi Thing 1 and Thing 2 will bring you loads of fun.

Where the Cat in the Hat be without them? Still, you have to like their blue hair.

48. Thing 1 and Thing 2 always make a perfect pair.

Well, they certainly match in almost every way. Still, without their suits, you can barely tell them apart.

49. You’ll always look sharp with a Cat in the Hat ribbon pin.

Doesn’t seem that hard to make by the looks of it. Though I could be wrong.

50. I’m sure anyone would want to have this Dr. Seuss bookshelf from Whoville.

Comes in an array of different colors. But always fits best in a corner.

51. If you like Dr. Seuss, then you’d love these canvas quotes.

These are all painted, by the way. Each one depicts an illustration from a Dr. Seuss book.

52. For Christmas, you might want to steal this sign.

Okay, I was kidding on that one. But for a panel sign, this is absolutely perfect.

53. There’s nothing fuzzier to love than a Lorax wreath.

Well, he’s supposed to be furry. But I’m sure the face really looks like him.

54. You’re always invited for fun with this Cat in the Hat wreath.

This one has the trademark Dr. Seuss hat. Goes nicely with the ribbons and decomesh.

55. This Seuss quilt is one crazy patchwork after another.

Another quilt that has a lot of your old favorites. Love the use of covers.

56. You’ll always have a seat on this Dr. Seuss rocking chair.

Yet, I have a feeling this is more meant for kids. But I appreciate the paint job.

57. No nursery is ever complete without a Dr. Seuss mobile.

After all, a baby should have a mobile depicting what you’d read to them before bedtime. So cute.

58. When you go to the beach, you can cuddle with your amigurumi Star-Bellied Sneetch.

Yet, to be fair, the Star-Bellied Sneetches aren’t the nicest bunch. Since The Sneetches story is about racism.

59. You can have loads of fun on rainy days with this Cat in the Hat peg doll set.

Includes the Cat in the Hat, Sally and her brother, and Things 1&2.

60. If you enjoy Green Eggs and Ham, then I suppose you’ll rave about this quilt.

Seems like it’s more colorful than the Cat in the Hat ones. But please enjoy the illustrations.

61. This Cat in the Hat chair has a back with red and white stripes.

Well, this looks whimsical enough for story time. And it has the Cat in the Hat on the seat.

62. Hope you keep warm this Christmas season with this crocheted Grinch cap.

It’s bright green in order to stand out, too. Great for any yuletide winter’s day.

63. Perhaps you might guess the books on these samplers.

I’m sure you’ll have no trouble with them. But each one consist of a felt image.

64. Bet you want to get squeaky clean with this Dr. Seuss shower curtain.

Still, make sure you have a plain plastic one that goes under it. Because I don’t think such a design is practical without it.

65. Curl up this Christmas season with this Grinch quilt.

Well, that’s an interesting design. Funny, how I show a lot of quilts on this post for some reason.

66. Hope you might try having this Green Eggs and Ham shelf around.

It’s orange with green inside the shelves. Even has Sam I Am with his trademark cuisine on the side.

67. With these Cat in the Hat blocks, your child could learn their ABCs.

Each one is in a whimsical design. You can even see the Cat in the Hat himself on some of them.

68. There are always fun things to do with this Dr. Seuss stool.

But make sure it doesn’t end up in a science lab, workshop, or an art room. Since it’s richly painted.

69. Rest your head on a couch with this Dr. Seuss cushion pillow.

Features your favorite Dr. Seuss stories. And has a black and white fringe. So lovely.

70. Got a broken globe? How about make a lamp like this?

That’s for Oh, the Places You’ll Go! Yes, it’s certainly fitting in a way.

71. Perhaps you’d want a sample of green eggs and ham.

Well, that’s a rather detailed sampler. Like how they used the buttons as yolks.

72. Hope this old globe will show all the places you’ll go.

Now normally, I usually advise against decorating globes like this, But this kind of works.

73. That red shelf seems to have some personality.

Well, the white one is quite plain compared to this. But it certainly has the Seuss spirit.

74. You can always share a book when sitting on this Cat in the Hat rocking chair.

That one has a rather stellar design. And it has a striped hat on the seat.

75. Nothing says Christmas fun like a set of Grinch peg dolls.

Includes the Grinch, Max, Cindylou Who, and a Christmas tree. All in all, it’s quite clever.

76. No kid wants anything more than to cuddle with an amigurumi Cat in the Hat.

Well, his head is a little big for his body. But nevertheless, he’s adorable.

77. With Seuss baby bibs, your baby will sure look forward to dinner time.

Consists of a set of 3. And each is in a different pattern. But any tot will love them.

78. No elementary teacher should ever go without this Dr. Seuss wreath.

After all, many Dr. Seuss books are targeted for grade school kids. Yet, this one is certainly school oriented.

79. As it can be there’s always a great wide world for us to see.

Well, it’s a panel depicting a map of the world. Of course, it has to say, “Oh, the places you’ll go!” on it.

80. Wonder if the houses in Whoville resemble this.

Yes, it’s a Dr. Seuss style birdhouse. And yes, you can find ones in all different colors on Etsy.

81. These crocheted hats are perfect for a couple of little things.

After all, these are kids’ hats with designations of Thing 1 and Thing 2. And yes, they’re cute.

82. There’s something curvy about this birdhouse.

Yes, it’s another Dr. Seuss birdhouse. But this one is a bit wavier than the other. But it certainly belongs to Whoville.

83. Don’t leave home with Cat in the Hat tote bag.

This one even has straps you can fasten it with. Pretty ingenious don’t you think?

84. Nothing makes your bedroom better than a wavy blue dresser.

Though I’m not sure how you’re supposed to fit clothes into it. But it’s great for any Suessical bedroom.

85. Fans of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, might enjoy this fishy quilt.

The book itself doesn’t have much of a plot. But the images are fantastic nonetheless.

86. It always works best with a Cat in the Hat chest.

It’s just a plastic chest painted with Cat in the Hat stuff on it. But I hope it keeps all your kid’s toys.

87. This Green Eggs and Ham quilt has some crazy patterns.

And indeed, it does. But it also has a certain whimsical charm to it, too.

88. Rest your head on this Cat in the Hat cushion.

Includes a quote by Dr. Seuss on it by the way. Still, you can’t help but love this.

89. Protect your hands in the kitchen with this Green Eggs and Ham oven mitt.

Since Green Eggs and Ham pertains to food, this is rather fitting. But please, real green eggs and ham wouldn’t pass a health inspection.

90. A burlap Grinch wreath should always suit your fancy on Christmas.

This one includes some lines from the book. But the Santa hat and green burlap sure go nice together.

91. Who knows where you’ll go with these shoes.

Well, since these are from Oh, the Places You’ll Go, it’s only fitting. But I love the art on these.

92. These Dr. Seuss pot holders are always essential for the kitchen.

And it helps that they’re both in the same design. Best to go with the Green Eggs and Ham oven mitt.

93. With this wreath, the Cat in the Hat welcomes you.

This one even includes Thing 1 and Thing 2. But yes, it’s surely and inviting sight.

94. You’ll always look spiffy with these Dr. Seuss bowties.

After all. old Ted Geisel himself liked to done one all the time. Still, these are great.

95. Enjoy your coffee in the morning with this Cat in the Hat ceramic mug.

Includes a striped handle and top. Sure it only depicts the hat. But it’s good enough.

96. Make sure to take this pillow with you while you travel.

Naturally, it’s for Oh, the Places You’ll Go. The hot air balloon gives it a touch of whimsy.

97. This Cat in the Hat apron will make anyone a kitchen maven.

Still, it looks quite pretty. Not sure whether I’d want cook with that on.

98. Instead of a thneed, cuddle in this Lorax quilt.

After all, thneeds are utterly useless unlike the Once-ler says. But this one is quite colorful with scenes from the book. And it doesn’t use any Truffula trees.

99. Make your guests feel right at home with this Cat in the Hat wreath.

Unlike some of the other wreaths, this yarn one isn’t too flashy. Just has his trademark hat and a bowtie.

100. Be a maven in the kitchen with this Lorax apron.

Well, it depicts some Truffula trees. Hope none of them get cut down. Oh, wait, they do.

The Great Wide Whimsical World of Dr. Seuss Costumes

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With their rhyming schemes, illogical logic, fantastical buildings, nonsensical vocabulary, and spectacular illustrations, the works of Dr. Seuss have entertained generations of children for 80 years with And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street. Since then, Dr. Seuss would write more than 60 books which would sell over 600 million copies and be translated into more than 20 languages by the time of his death. They’ve also spawned numerous adaptations such as 11 TV specials, 4 feature films, 2 Broadway musicals, and 4 TV shows. Many of these books have become literary classics for the ages like The Cat in the Hat, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!, Green Eggs and Ham, Horton Hears a Who!, If I Ran the Zoo, Fox in Socks, Hop on Pop, I Had Trouble Getting to Solla Sollew, The Lorax, The Battle Butter Book, and Oh, the Places You’ll Go. Born Theodore Seuss Geisel in Springfield, Massachusetts, he adopted the name “Dr. Seuss” during his days at Dartmouth and Oxford, the latter from which he dropped out from to work as an illustrator and cartoonist for Vanity Fair, Life, and other publications. Though to be fair, he adopted the name “Dr. Seuss” during his Dartmouth days in the 1920s so he can continue working as editor-in-chief for The Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern under the administration’s nose. Because they caught him drinking gin in his room with 9 of his buddies and told him to resign from all extracurricular activities, including the magazine. Yet, he also worked as an illustrator for Standard Oil’s advertising campaigns and a political cartoonist for the New York newspaper PM. Nevertheless, Dr. Seuss’s books surely belong to a world of their own. Though he never had kids of his home and kind of hated them, his kids’ books are still being read to this day.

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Since Dr. Seuss’s work is so significant in children’s literature, the National Education Association has adopted his birthday March 2, as Read Across the America Day. And it’s not unusual to see many elementary school teachers dress up in Dr. Seuss costumes or decorate their rooms to fit into Dr. Seuss’s world of fantastical whimsy. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you an assortment of Dr. Seuss costumes by his fans of all ages.

  1. As you can see, you’ll find plenty of fish in the sea.

Well, these seem simple enough with One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Unfortunately, the Star Trek version is Gold Shirt, Blue Shirt, Red Shirt Dead Shirt.

2. You can’t stop until you have 10 apples on top.

I’m not familiar with this book. Guess it’s one of the Dr. Seuss’s more obscure works.

3. You can’t celebrate Christmas without looking like the latest thing in Whoville.

Nevertheless, I may not be a fan of fashion magazines. But I’d certainly would love to see what one in Whoville looks like. Also, like the hair.

4. For a simpler costume, may I suggest Daisy Head Mayzie?

Never heard of this book either. Then again, it was originally published in 1995, 4 years after Dr. Seuss died.

5. Horton always insists on keeping his word because an an elephant is always faithful 100%.

This is from Horton Hatches the Egg where he agrees to sit on the egg for an irresponsible bird name Mayzie as she takes a trip to Palm Beach. Yet, the Horton Hears a Who costume is far more common.

6. “I am the Lorax and I speak for the trees.”

Too bad the Once-ler didn’t listen to him and turned the Truffula forest into a wasteland out of greed. Still, this is a cute costume.

7. How about try some green eggs and ham?

Yes, Sam I Am is certainly a popular costume. However, though harmless in the Seuss world, nobody should eat green eggs and ham, which can make you vomit.

8. Nobody can resist this star-bellied Sneetch.

However, know that this sneetch has a star on its belly to exude its racial superiority over the bare-bellied ones. Because star-bellied sneetches are racist.

9. Would you like green eggs and ham?

Yes, it’s another Sam I Am costume. And yes, it has a fork in his green eggs and ham.

10. Looks like she has a wocket in her pocket.

That’s from a book about strange creatures living in a boy’s house. Still, this is adorable.

11. You better listen to the Lorax and not cut Truffula Trees for thneeds.

Because the Lorax doesn’t mess around. Too bad the Oncler is more concerned with growing his business to even care.

12. I bet this little Grinch wants to steal Christmas.

He even has a stuffed dog with reindeer antlers. Love the green fur.

13. Thidwick, the Big-Hearted Moose always has room on his antlers.

Though the creatures residing on his head are basically taking advantage of him. Still, this a Seuss costume you don’t normally see.

14. Even the Grinch can’t resist this little Cindylou Who.

This one just consists of a pink shirt, a cute hairstyle, and black pipe cleaners. So adorable.

15. The Lorax loves hanging out with the Bar-ba-loots and the Once-ler.

Though keep in mind, the Once-ler never shows his face. Still, these are cute.

16. Now this is a literal Cat in the Hat.

Though she’s probably one of the cats who come out of the Cat in the Hat’s hat. Yet, it’s surely an inventive costume.

17. Up on Mount Crumpet, Max the Grinch’s only friend.

Even has an antler on his head. Nevertheless, this is a pretty simple costume to make.

18. As we all know the Cat in the Hat is accompanied by Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Well, I had to put in the Cat in the Hat at some point. After all, it’s Dr. Seuss’s most famous book.

19. There’s something fishy about this little girl.

I have to admit this is quite clever. Like how it just consists of fish on a yellow dress.

20. Horton will always try to preserve Whoville since a person’s a person, no matter how small.

Here’s the Horton Hears a Who costume. This one just consists of ears, T-shirt, and an air vent pipe.

21. The Cat in the Hat never leaves without the Things.

Helps if the Cat in the Hat has his blue umbrella. Still, the things are so sweet.

22. These things were born to teach.

Yes, these are elementary school teachers dressed as Thing 1 and Thing 2. And yes, they didn’t use any blue hair.

23. These Truffula trees will never leave their Lorax or Bar-ba-loot behind.

Well, the Truffala trees look easy for the parents. Hope they don’t see the Oncler any time soon.

24. Have you ever seen a fox in socks?

Nice she has the book with her. Still, Fox in Socks doesn’t really have much of a plot since it’s a beginner book.

25. Hope you enjoy this green eggs and ham.

In the Seuss world, green eggs and ham is mostly harmless. In the real world, such a dish needs thrown out since it can cause trichinosis.

26. Dr. Seuss is always a hit for the whole family.

Consists of the Cat in the Hat, the Grinch, the Lorax, and the Fish in the Bowl. Like how they used the wagon.

27. Wearing socks on your limbs is always foxy.

Yes, it’s another fox in socks. But this one has bigger ears and a shorter tail.

28. My, that’s a beautiful Truffula tree.

This one has a pink tuff and a long striped dress. Hope she doesn’t run into the Oncler anytime soon.

29. Don’t mess with the Lorax or the Truffula trees.

Even has a Truffula tree to carry. Like the fuzzy yellow whiskers. Brilliant.

30. The fish in the bowl is always a voice of reason.

Well, at least in the cartoon. Then again, it might be a different Dr. Seuss fish.

31. Wouldn’t any girl want to have a daisy on her head?

Sure it’s another Daisy Head Mayzie. But I guess it’s an easier costume to do.

32. There’s a lot to love with this Lorax family.

Well, this is more from the CGI movie since a couple of the characters aren’t in the original book. Also, we only see the Once-ler’s hands.

33. You’re never too old for Fox in Socks.

Then again, she’s probably a teacher. But this fox costume doesn’t seem to require much.

34. You’ll find a lot of things in this family.

There’s even a Thing Mom. So who’s the Thing Dad? Maybe I don’t want to think about it.

35. This fuzzy little Lorax just wants you to stop exploiting Truffula trees.

Well, the Lorax is furry and has a fuzzy mustache. So this kind of sticks.

36. Here we have Sam I Am with green eggs and ham.

Helps if the green eggs and ham are on a skillet. Though they wouldn’t pass health inspection.

37. Nothing pleases like a happy star-bellied sneetch.

Except having to integrate with a bare-bellied sneetch. Yet, this is a clever costume.

38. Seems like this family really takes to Dr. Seuss on Halloween.

Consists of the Grinch, a Star-Bellied Sneetch, Cat in the Hat, Cindylou Who, and Things 1 and 2. So sweet.

39. Yertle the Turtle seeks to rule all turtle kind.

By the way, Yertle the Turtle is a stand-in for Adolf Hitler. He makes the other turtles stand up so he can see further and expand his kingdom.

40. The Cat in the Hat always knows where it’s at.

Still, while he might be a fun guy, he can show up without warning. Also, doesn’t seem to care most of the time.

41. How about some green eggs to go with that ham?

That’s a rather inventive costume. Still, kids, don’t eat green eggs and ham. It’s unsanitary and could make you deathly ill.

42. Celebrate Christmas with Cindylou Who and the Grinch.

Well, these are adult costumes. But hope the Grinch doesn’t steal your Christmas. Oh, wait, he can’t.

43. A black cat should always have a long striped hat and a red bow tie.

This is a Cat in the Hat tutu costume for women. Not my cup of tea but not bad.

44. You can always count on Horton to lend a helping hand.

After all, he’ll save Whoville if it’s the last thing he does. By the way, this is a Horton tutu costume.

45. Daisy Head Mayzie can always do with a flower on her head.

Once again, I’m not familiar with Daisy Head Mayzie. But this is kind of cute.

46. You’d almost think this Lorax could scare off a lumberjack.

Though the Lorax didn’t exactly carry a bag with him. Still, this is most likely a kid’s costume.

47. A Cat in the Hat should always stun.

Yet, another tutu Cat in the Hat costume. Because he’s such an iconic Dr. Seuss character.

48. She must be from the punk side of Whoville.

What else could explain that distinctive hair style? Still, I think it’s quite clever.

49. Green eggs should always go with the ham.

And yet some green eggs and ham costumes. But these go together as a group.

50. The family that always reads Dr. Seuss together stays together.

Consists of Cat in the Hat, Sam I Am, a Star-Bellied Sneetch, and Things 1 and 2. Love this.

51. Nobody can ever forget the Cat in the Hat’s sidekicks Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Well, these kids are cute. But the white makeup seems to provide a creepiness to them.

52. Cindylou Who always looks perky in pink.

Well, this is more of a pink Santa dress. But it’s certainly appropriate.

53. The Lorax always feels at home in the woods.

After all, the Lorax speaks for the trees. Hope he doesn’t see any loggers nearby.

54. This cat’s hat really stands out.

Helps if he has a little fish in the bowl as a trick or treat bag. So adorable.

55. There’s something fishy about this guy.

Mostly because he’s the Fish in the Bowl from the Cat in the Hat. And he usually serves as the voice of reason.

56. Thing 1 and Thing 2  always enjoy the classroom.

I suppose these are elementary school teachers. Like the tutus.

57. Cindylou Who surely hopes to join the Christmas festivities.

Well, that’s cute. Love the little red cape and the Who hairstyle.

58. Nobody can resist little Cindylou Who with a large red bauble.

Well, she at least has pigtails and long lines in her hair. So adorable.

59. Seems like we have all kinds of fish in this bowl.

There’s one fish, two fish, red fish, and a blue fish. Just like that Dr. Seuss book.

60. I’m sure you’d want to cuddle this little star-bellied Sneetch.

Of course, this kid probably has no idea what the Sneetches story is about yet. Yet, so cute.

61. Thing 1 and Thing 2 are always at your service.

Don’t tell me that they have sexy costumes of Dr. Seuss characters. Because Dr. Seuss should never be sexy. His books are for children for God’s sake.

62. Yertle is the king of all turtle kind.

However, Yertle is obsessed with expanding his power that he’s willing to exploit his fellow turtles for his own benefit. He’s not a nice guy.

63. Who children are always up for a Christmas parade.

After all, everyone in Whoville loved Christmas a lot. But the Grinch who lived just north of Whoville, did not.

64. These things always get around on all fours.

Yes, these are dog Thing 1 and Thing 2 costumes. And yes, I’m sure someone would find them cute.

65. I thought there are only supposed to be 2 Things not 3.

Then again, if you want to dress in the same costume, who’s going to stop you. Still, have to put them on the post.

66. Cindylou Who shine in her candy cane dress.

Sure it’s an adult Christmas costume. But it’s cute nonetheless. Like the hair.

67. We seem to find all kinds of fish here.

Includes, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, old fish, and new fish. And it seems they’re all teachers.

68. When you’re a thing, you got to have blue hair.

Seems like it to these girls. They even have blue tutus to match.

69. This Lorax family always speaks for the trees.

Consists of the Once-ler, a Truffula tree, the Lorax, and a Bar-ba-loot. Yet, remember we never see the Once-ler’s face.

70. Whos always know how to party.

This is especially during the Christmas season. And these two are going all out.

71. You’ll surely know what kind of fish these are.

Just remember the rhyme of one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, old fish, new fish. Simple as that.

72. What’s a Whoville girl without a crazy hairdo and dress?

I mean we should know how Who women and girls dress. But this is so adorable.

73. Bet you’ve never seen Truffula trees like these.

Sure they may seem pretty now. But as far as the Once-ler is concerned, they’re resources to be shamelessly exploited.

74. Seems like this Lorax is meant for a different forest.

Once again, please don’t make Dr. Seuss sexy. Seriously, his books are for children!

75. A Sneetch should have an ample amount of feathers.

Well, this doesn’t appear to be a difficult costume. Yet, we all know why she wears her star on her torso with pride.

76. What’s with that daisy, Mayzie?

Actually, it’s supposed to grow out of her head. I know it’s crazy. But hey, this is the Seuss verse.

77. The Once-ler is a man with great style.

Well, he certainly rocks in that green, striped suit. Yet, we all know how he got a hold of it.

78. Who can ever forget Gertrude McFuzz and her spectacular tail?

Gertrude McFuzz is a story about a bird who feels inadequate in her tail feathers. So she tries to change herself. This is the result.

79. Hope you can join Cindylou Who and the Grinch for Christmas time.

Though the Grinch would prefer you not to, especially when he’s wearing that humiliating sweater. Though the guy looks pretty cool in his costume.

80. The Once-ler can always rock it with his electric guitar.

Well, this is more from the movie. But yes, he certainly looks great in his green suit, indeed.

81. Perhaps you might like a bite of his green eggs and ham?

I’m sure you can’t resist this little guy as Sam I Am. So sweet.

82. The Once-ler’s quite taken with that Truffula tree.

Hey, Truffula Tree, don’t go near him. He wants to cut you down and make you into a thneed.

83. This little Lorax loves a fuzzy tree.

Doesn’t hurt if his costume is fuzzy either. But he speaks for the trees. So cute.

84. It’s only fair for Thing 1 and Thing 2 to wear red dresses.

Not too bad. But at least it doesn’t look like the sexy version. Like how they’re wearing blue leggings.

85. Of course, Cindylou Who can have yellow hair strands.

Yet, she still wears pink and has a red bauble with her. So sweet.

86. Well, these two Whos are in the Christmas spirit.

Apparently, some people like to dress up as Whos during the Christmas season. But these costumes are at least green and red.

87. Here are some Whoville children in their back to school best.

Funny how the Grinch is wearing a suit. Yet, wonder how long it takes Whoville women to do their hair.

88. Hope this costume reminds you of all the places you’ll go.

It’s from the Dr. Seuss book people get for their graduations. But she certainly resembles the cover.

89. Is that a Noothbrush?

Well, it’s kind of hard to explain since it appears in There’s a Wocket in My Pocket. Nevertheless, it’s an interesting choice.

90. Perhaps you might want to check out this fish suit.

It’s more or less supposed to reflect One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Still, it’s pretty creative.

91. One wonders all the places this little guy goes.

Helps if it’s a box with balloons. Still, this baby is so cute in it.

92. Yertle is always lord of all turtles.

This is a more plain version. But then again, the turtles all looked the same in the story.

93. Nobody could resist a fox in socks.

This one has a girl in a red tutu and furry ears. Yet, she is so irresistibly cute.

94. These things always stick together.

Guess this is the couple’s costume of Thing 1 and Thing 2. And both sport red shirts and blue hair.

95. If you’re a bird in Seuss, it’s best that you’re tickled pink.

Then again, Dr. Seuss’s birds look pretty strange. But you have to admire this girl’s feathers.

96. Now here we have a literal Cat in the Hat.

Well, it is a black cat in the hat. But I don’t think it looks too happy to entertain your kids.

97. Nobody could resist this little yellow Sneetch.

Even has a star on its belly. But let’s hope this kid doesn’t make it a mark of superiority. So cute.

98. I’m sure you’d want to hug this little fox.

Yes, Fox in Socks is a popular costume. But you have to love this one, too.

99. Have to love the red bows on this Cindylou Who.

Yes, Cindylou Who has a strong following, especially during the Christmas season Yet, this costume is adorable.

100. This little Fish in the Bowl has his own container.

Okay, that’s pretty clever. Still, you have to feel very bad for him in Cat in the Hat.

Great Figures in Shakespeare: Part 10 – Lady Kate Percy to John of Lancaster

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For some reason, the 3 witches have been paying excessive attention to Macbeth since he became Thane of Cawdor. Do they just predict the future or are they intent on causing trouble? No one knows.

So now we’re down to the last post. You might notice that there’s not a lot of women in Shakespeare’s plays. Well, there’s a reason for that. In the Bard’s day, all actors were men and most women’s roles were played by preteen or teenage boys or young men. Since many of Shakespeare’s heroines dressed in drag, these would’ve been men dressed up as women dressed as men. I know it’s confusing. Still, such theatrics existed because women weren’t allowed to perform on stage during Shakespeare’s lifetime. So this would mean that the original Juliet was played by a dude, which most people nowadays would consider unthinkable for obvious reasons. Nevertheless, women wouldn’t appear on stage in England until the later 1600s since King Charles II enjoyed watching actresses on stage. However, until the 1800s, actors were typically looked down upon as many actresses often courtesans and associated with promiscuity. In our final selection, I give you the last set of Shakespearean players consisting of Lady Percy, Sextus Pompey and Lepidus from Antony and Cleopatra, John of Lancaster, the Earl of Warwick, Eleanor of Gloucester, Florizel and Perdita from The Winter’s Tale, Virgilia and Tullus Aufidius from Coriolanus, Owen Glendower, Lucentio from Taming of the Shrew, the Witches from Macbeth, Paroles from All’s Well That Ends Well, and the Ghost from Hamlet.

 

136. Lady Kate Percy

"O my good lord, why are you thus alone?/For what offence have I this fortnight been/A banished woman from my Harry's bed?/Tell me, sweet lord, what is 't that takes from thee/Thy stomach, pleasure, and thy golden sleep?/Why dost thou bend thine eyes upon the earth,/And start so often when thou sit'st alone?/Why hast thou lost the fresh blood in thy cheeks/And given my treasures and my rights of thee/To thick-eyed musing and cursed melancholy?" - Act II, Scene 3. Wonder what's keeping Hotspur from sleeping with his wife. Then again, that's Lady Mary so it kind of explains a lot.

“O my good lord, why are you thus alone?/For what offence have I this fortnight been/A banished woman from my Harry’s bed?/Tell me, sweet lord, what is ‘t that takes from thee/Thy stomach, pleasure, and thy golden sleep?/Why dost thou bend thine eyes upon the earth,/And start so often when thou sit’st alone?/Why hast thou lost the fresh blood in thy cheeks/And given my treasures and my rights of thee/To thick-eyed musing and cursed melancholy?” – Act II, Scene 3 in Henry IV Part 1. Wonder what’s keeping Hotspur from sleeping with his wife. Then again, that’s Lady Mary so it kind of explains a lot.

From: Henry IV Parts 1 and 2

Pro: Well, she’s practically a saint as well as witty, patient, and playful with her beloved husband. Calls out her father-in-law for sending her husband to war before calling in sick.

Con: However, she tends to be horny and neglected since her husband prefers the battlefield to their bedroom. Always complains about his disinterest in sex and on more than one occasion, playfully threatens to “break” his dick (which is the medieval equivalent of going Lorena Bobbit on him). It doesn’t work and he gets killed.

Fate: Ends up a widow as of Henry IV Part 2.

 

137. Sextus Pompey the Younger

"My powers are crescent, and my auguring hope/Says it will come to th' full. Mark Antony/In Egypt sits at dinner, and will make/No wars without doors. Caesar gets money where/He loses hearts. Lepidus flatters both,/Of both is flattered; but he neither loves,/Nor either cares for him." - Act II, Scene 1. Well, Pompey seems to have insight to the political situation. Too bad he's too honorable for his own good.

“My powers are crescent, and my auguring hope/Says it will come to th’ full. Mark Antony/In Egypt sits at dinner, and will make/No wars without doors. Caesar gets money where/He loses hearts. Lepidus flatters both,/Of both is flattered; but he neither loves,/Nor either cares for him.” – Act II, Scene 1. Well, Pompey seems to have insight to the political situation. Too bad he’s too honorable for his own good.

From: Antony and Cleopatra

Pro: Despite being a pain in the ass for the Romans, he’s actually an okay guy. Is guided by reason and honor instead of passion. Plays by the rules. Well loved by the people. Faces his fate nobly. Is willing to negotiate against his enemies before he goes to war with them. Would rather compromise than have blood shed, not out of cowardice but common sense. Also, invites his enemies to party on his boat and refuses have any of them killed. Because when he makes a truce, he means it.

Con: Gets confused for his more famous dad in the history books. Rebels against Rome in order to avenge his dad’s death at the hands of Julius Caesar and against the new triumvirate. Also, he would’ve fared better if he listened to Menas and have the drunken triumvirs killed since these are guys would probably shoot him in a back alley (well, except Antony).

Fate: Ends up executed on Octavius Caesar’s orders.

 

138. Lucentio

"Love wrought these miracles. Bianca's love/Made me exchange my state with Tranio,/While he did bear my countenance in the town." - Act V, Scene 1. However, he has no idea on what Bianca's really like. He just loved what he saw of her.

“Love wrought these miracles. Bianca’s love/Made me exchange my state with Tranio,/While he did bear my countenance in the town.” – Act V, Scene 1. However, he has no idea on what Bianca’s really like. He just loved what he saw of her.

From: Taming of the Shrew

Pro: Devises an intricate and fanciful fan to get into Bianca’s pants by disguising himself as her tutor. Convinces her to defy her dad. Seems to be a better guy than Petruchio at first, especially in how he treats Bianca since his desire to marry is based on romantic love.

Con: He’s an idiot who has no idea what he’s doing. Quickly abandons his education to fall in love and later elope with Bianca. However, he tends to fall for what he initially sees like her exterior façade, not her as a person.

Fate: Marries Bianca but loses the bet to Petruchio. Guess he didn’t know what he was getting into. Loses some money and street cred.

 

139. Lepidus

"Noble friends,/That which combined us was most great, and let not/A leaner action rend us. What's amiss,/May it be gently heard. When we debate/Our trivial difference loud, we do commit/Murder in healing wounds. Then, noble partners,/The rather for I earnestly beseech,/Touch you the sourest points with sweetest terms,/Nor curstness grow to th' matter." - Act II, Scene 2. Sure he may be right. But remember, this "let's rule Rome together thing," isn't really working out too well.

“Noble friends,/That which combined us was most great, and let not/A leaner action rend us. What’s amiss,/May it be gently heard. When we debate/Our trivial difference loud, we do commit/Murder in healing wounds. Then, noble partners,/The rather for I earnestly beseech,/Touch you the sourest points with sweetest terms,/Nor curstness grow to th’ matter.” – Act II, Scene 2. Sure he may be right. But remember, this “let’s rule Rome together thing,” isn’t really working out too well.

From: Julius Caesar and Antony and Cleopatra

Pro: Generally a good guy with a conciliatory nature and tries to make everyone friends.

Con: Weakest of the second triumvirate. Is blind to everyone’s passion and treachery. Doesn’t do much. Is seen as a laughingstock even to his friends and inferiors, especially when he gets drunk. Is more interested in Egyptian animals than Antony and Octavius getting on each other’s nerves. So naïve that he’s torn between men he thinks are his friends but ends up losing his position and freedom. Is basically a lamb in a pack of a political wolves. Not to mention, he believes that people have the common good in mind while they’re actually thinking of their own personal good.

Fate: Ends up caged and executed by Octavius Caesar.

 

140. Paroles

"There's little can be said in 't. 'Tis against the rule of nature. To speak on the part of virginity is to accuse your mothers, which is most infallible disobedience." - Act I, Scene 1. Guess this guy hasn't heard about "double standards" does he? Still, he doesn't get much action because he's a complete jerk.

“There’s little can be said in ‘t. ‘Tis against the rule of nature. To speak on the part of virginity is to accuse your mothers, which is most infallible disobedience.” – Act I, Scene 1. Guess this guy hasn’t heard about “double standards” does he? Still, he doesn’t get much action because he’s a complete jerk.

From: All’s Well That Ends Well

Pro: Well, he’s charismatic and funny to watch. Doesn’t really force Bertram into doing anything.

Con: He’s the Stifler of Shakespearean drama. He’s raunchy, sexist, and all around revolting as well as a guy Holden Caulfield would call, “a phony bastard.” Tries to convince Helen to lose her virginity which is very appalling. As a soldier, he tends to have a big mouth for talking about how great he is as a war hero and a ladies man when in fact, he’s neither. His talking dirty to girls and every woman he comes into contact ends up hating him. On the battlefield, he’s a complete chicken for when he loses his drum on the battlefield, he just stands around trying to come up with a story to convince he’s friends he’s injured. This blows in his face when his friends show up disguised as enemy soldiers. After he’s captured, it doesn’t take him long to sell out his friends in exchange for his freedom. Basically all talk and no action. Is the Countess’s worst nightmare who thinks he’s a terrible influence on her son Bertram. After all, he encourages her son to ditch his wife and acts as a go-between when he tries to have an extra-marital affair with Diana. Also gives Bertram silly advice.

Fate: Is eventually exposed as a coward and a liar.

 

141. The Weird Sisters

"Double, double toil and trouble;/Fire burn, and cauldron bubble." - Act IV, Scene 1. Seems like they're on to something. But what, you may never know.

“Double, double toil and trouble;/Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.” – Act IV, Scene 1. Seems like they’re on to something. But what, you may never know.

From: Macbeth

Pro: Well, since they’re witches, they tend to be quite accurate in predicting the future. Also, have a lot of memorable chants and songs. Not to mention, these women shouldn’t be underestimated.

Con: However, they partly responsible for Macbeth killing Duncan and are kind of freaky looking. Tend to represent evil, darkness, chaos, and conflict. Also we’re not sure whether they’re toiling with human lives or agents of fate.

Fate: No one knows what happened to them.

 

142. Virgilia

"Indeed, no, by your patience; I'll not over the threshold till my lord return from the wars." - Act I, Scene 3. She doesn't really say a lot in this play. Maybe it's for the best.

“Indeed, no, by your patience; I’ll not over the threshold till my lord return from the wars.” – Act I, Scene 3. She doesn’t really say a lot in this play. Maybe it’s for the best.

From: Coriolanus

Pro: She’s a perfect wife and mom who’s chaste, obedient, loving, and silent. However, she hates seeing her husband Coriolanus off to war and is one of the only characters in the cast who hates violence while even her mother-in-law and best friend talk about blood and guts.

Con: Usually keeps her own opinions to herself because she knows that whatever she says won’t influence her husband’s actions (save that one time when it came to sparing Rome). Has no influence on her son’s upbringing whatsoever.

Fate: I don’t think things will go well for her now that her husband’s dad. Because she still lives with her mother-in-law and I’m she’ll be more of an influence to her son Martius than her. And it doesn’t help that he likes to torture butterflies and turning out to be like his old man.

 

143. Tullus Aufidius

"Know thou first,/I loved the maid I married; never man/Sigh'd truer breath. But that I see thee here,/Thou noble thing, more dances my rapt heart/Than when I first my wedded mistress saw/Bestride my threshold." - Act IV, Scene 5. Okay, that seems to have some homoerotic undertones. Not that there's anything wrong with it.

“Know thou first,/I loved the maid I married; never man/Sigh’d truer breath. But that I see thee here,/Thou noble thing, more dances my rapt heart/Than when I first my wedded mistress saw/Bestride my threshold.” – Act IV, Scene 5. Okay, that seems to have some homoerotic undertones. Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

From: Coriolanus

Pro: He’s a tough Volscian general who respects Coriolanus as a soldier and is seen as a noble adversary. So when Coriolanus gets kicked out of Rome, he takes the guy in.

Con: Unfortunately, he’s not too keen on sparing Rome and negotiating peace treaties. Also kind of jealous of Coriolanus’s popularity that he eventually accuses him of treason and kills the guy. Afterward, he stands over his corpse in triumph.

Fate: We’re not sure what happens to him. But the Romans won’t be happy and he will not meet a good fate when they capture him.

 

144. King Hamlet Sr.

"I am thy father's spirit,/Doomed for a certain term to walk the night/And for the day confined to fast in fires/Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature/Are burnt and purged away." - Act 1, Scene 5. So let me guess, he wants Hamlet to kill Claudius. Why does revenge always seem to be the answer?

“I am thy father’s spirit,/Doomed for a certain term to walk the night/And for the day confined to fast in fires/Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature/Are burnt and purged away.” – Act 1, Scene 5. So let me guess, he wants Hamlet to kill Claudius. Why does revenge always seem to be the answer?

From: Hamlet

Pro: Well, at least he has some consideration to tell his son what happened from beyond the grave when he gets home. Basically was right about Claudius killing him. Tells Hamlet to be nice to his mom. Well loved and idolized by his son.

Con: Basically tells Hamlet to kill King Claudius so he could be purged of his sins. May not be as straightforward as he seems that Hamlet has to put on a play to realize he’s right. His actions on the war with Norway show us that he wasn’t as great a king as his son thinks. May be a figment of Hamlet’s imagination.

Fate: Well, he’s already dead. But I’m sure he’s going to have company so he won’t be too lonely. Then again, he might be a figure of Hamlet’s imagination.

 

145. Owen Glendower

"I am not in the roll of common men." Act III, Scene 1. No wonder Hotspur thinks he's kind of weird. But he shouldn't have alienated him.

“I am not in the roll of common men.” Act III, Scene 1. No wonder Hotspur thinks he’s kind of weird. But he shouldn’t have alienated him.

From: Henry IV Part 1

Pro: He’s a capable Welsh rebel leader who’s trying to get independence for his country. And he’s also single-handedly pushing the English out of Wales. Must be doing something right.

Con: Believes he has superpowers such as summoning demons and performing magic as well as that heaven and earth shook on his arrival. Spends a strategy meeting promising to use his “powers” to drive out English forces. Even Hotspur thinks this he’s bonkers. Yet, can’t amass his troops in time to back up Hotspur for the Battle of Shrewsbury.

Fate: Dies off stage of an illness.

 

146. Florizel

"When you do dance, I wish you/A wave o’ the sea, that you might ever do/Nothing but that."- Act IV, Scene 4. That's sweet. But I'm afraid your dad won't let you marry the shepherd girl (unless he finds out she's a princess).

“When you do dance, I wish you/A wave o’ the sea, that you might ever do/Nothing but that.”- Act IV, Scene 4. That’s sweet. But I’m afraid your dad won’t let you marry the shepherd girl (unless he finds out she’s a princess).

From: The Winter’s Tale

Pro: Helps Perdita calm her fears about disparity in their social statuses. Would rather lose everything than be apart from Perdita when his dad threatens his son’s happiness. And he runs off to Sicily with her before Polixenes could disfigure her face, hoping to hide in Leontes’s court. This helps restore her family relationships as well as Leontes’s friendship with his dad. Youthful presence has a healing effect on Leontes and his ailing court.

Con: Unfortunately, none of his actions helped reunite all of Leontes’s family.

Fate: Ends up with Perdita.

 

147. Perdita

"Even now I tremble/To think your father, by some accident,/Should pass this way as you did: O, the Fates!/How would he look, to see his work so noble/Vilely bound up? What would he say? Or how/ Should I, in these my borrow'd flaunts, behold/The sternness of his presence?" - Act IV, Scene 4. Well, if you were "Queen of the Feast," you might feel the same way.

“Even now I tremble/To think your father, by some accident,/Should pass this way as you did: O, the Fates!/How would he look, to see his work so noble/Vilely bound up? What would he say? Or how/
Should I, in these my borrow’d flaunts, behold/The sternness of his presence?” – Act IV, Scene 4. Well, if you were “Queen of the Feast,” you might feel the same way.

From: The Winter’s Tale

Pro: She’s a beautiful girl who’s survived jail and being abandoned in the woods before she could even walk. Oh, and she was raised by two shepherd guys but certainly doesn’t look like it. Her return to Sicily with her boyfriend Florizel gives new life to the kingdom.

Con: Doesn’t really have much character depth. Has no idea who she is.

Fate: Ends up with Florizel and is reunited with her parents. Oh, and her shepherd dads are ennobled there, too. However, her older brother is still dead.

 

148. Duchess Eleanor of Gloucester

"My shame will not be shifted with my sheet:/ No, it will hang upon my richest robes/And show itself, attire me how I can. /Go, lead the way; I long to see my prison." - Act II, Scene 4. And there she goes on her walk of shame because she consulted with witches. That's pretty harsh.

“My shame will not be shifted with my sheet:/
No, it will hang upon my richest robes/And show itself, attire me how I can. /Go, lead the way; I long to see my prison.” – Act II, Scene 4. And there she goes on her walk of shame because she consulted with witches. That’s pretty harsh.

From: Henry VI Part 2

Pro: Though ambitious, she’s not as bad as Queen Margaret. Also learned her lesson.

Con: Thinks her husband can become king which makes her husband mad at her. Also consulting with witches to tell the future only works in Macbeth (then again maybe not). When caught, this gets her arrested, publicly humiliated, and banished. This makes her so overcome with shame and her downfall spells the beginning of the end for her husband, too.

Fate: Is exiled to the Isle of Man. But compared to what happened to her husband, she got off easy.

 

149. Richard Neville, Earl of Warwick

"Lo, now my glory smear'd in dust and blood!/My parks, my walks, my manors that I had,/Even now forsake me; and, of all my lands, Is nothing left me, but my body's length!/Why, what is pomp, rule, reign, but earth and dust?/And, live we how we can, yet die we must." - Act V, Scene 2. He's not going to last long. Maybe he shouldn't have switched sides over Edward IV's marriage choice.

“Lo, now my glory smear’d in dust and blood!/My parks, my walks, my manors that I had,/Even now forsake me; and, of all my lands,
Is nothing left me, but my body’s length!/Why, what is pomp, rule, reign, but earth and dust?/And, live we how we can, yet die we must.” – Act V, Scene 2 in Henry VI Part 3. He’s not going to last long. Maybe he shouldn’t have switched sides over Edward IV’s marriage choice.

From: Henry VI Parts 2 and 3

Pro: He’s an honorable guy and wants a king he could really respect. Eventually sees that York’s claim to the throne was just a power grab.

Con: Can’t stand it when someone goes back on his word. Though he devotes his whole life to the York cause, he switches sides when Edward dumps the woman he chose for him for another he takes as his wife. Has done nothing with his life other than try to make other people kings and feels that none of his land holdings matter. Totally gets played and he knows it.

Fate: Dies in battle.

 

150. Prince John of Lancaster

"I pawn'd thee none:/I promis'd you redress of these same grievances/Whereof you did complain; which, by mine honour, /I will perform with a most Christian care./But for you, rebels—look to taste the due/Meet for rebellion and such acts as yours. " - Act IV, Scene 4 in Henry IV Part 2. Basically he means, "Just because I promised to address your complaints doesn't mean I'm sparing your lives."

“I pawn’d thee none:/I promis’d you redress of these same grievances/Whereof you did complain; which, by mine honour, /I will perform with a most Christian care./But for you, rebels—look to taste the due/Meet for rebellion and such acts as yours. ” – Act IV, Scene 4 in Henry IV Part 2. Basically he means, “Just because I promised to address your complaints doesn’t mean I’m sparing your lives.”

From: Henry IV Parts 1 and 2

Pro: On the outside, he seems to be the complete opposite of his older brother Hal. He’s responsible, respected by nobles at court, and fights courageously. Able to defeat the crown’s remaining enemies through manipulation and political know-how.

Con: Though he gets rebel leaders to surrender by promising to lay down their arms at a designated location in exchange that he’ll redress their grievances, he then immediately orders their executions (but, hey, he didn’t say he’d pardon them).

Fate: Fate unknown as of Henry IV Part 2.

Great Figures in Shakespeare: Part 9 – Oliver to King Duncan

Valentine_rescuing_Silvia

I’m sure this love entanglement will sort itself out. So here’s the deal. Valentine and Proteus are best friends and both like Silvia. But Julia likes Proteus so she goes after him. And Silvia prefers Valentine over Proteus and he’s not happy about that. Yeah, it’s that kind of story.

Now we’re approaching this penultimate post. You might notice that a lot of Shakespeare’s plays tend to contain some supernatural elements like ghosts, witches, wizards, and fairies. However, while belief in the supernatural is apparent in the Elizabethan era, sometimes its existence in Shakespeare’s plays isn’t as clear. For instance, the ghost of King Hamlet is subject to much debate as to whether it really is a ghost or an extent of Hamlet’s imagination. On one hand, the ghost asks Hamlet to take revenge against his uncle who killed him which turns out to be true by the way. On the other hand, Horatio can see it, too, and his dad told him to leave his mother alone which Hamlet did not. Then there are the witches in Macbeth whose predictions seem to almost always come true but whether they’re fiddling in human affairs or agents of fate is the question. Anyway, in this penultimate selection, I bring you more great Shakespearean figures such as Oliver from As You Like It, Proteus, Valentine, Julia, and Silvia from Two Gentlemen of Verona, Prince Escalus and Count Paris from Romeo and Juliet, Pisanio from Cymbeline, Sir Andrew Aguecheek and Maria from Twelfth Night, Jack Cade, King Alonso and Gonzalo from The Tempest, Brabantio from Othello, and King Duncan from Macbeth.

 

121. Oliver

"Now will I stir this gamester: I hope I shall see an end of him: for my soul, yet I know not why, hates nothing more than he. Yet he's gentle; never schooled and yet learned; full of noble device; of all sorts enchantingly beloved; and, indeed, so much in the heart of the world, and especially of my own people, who best know him, that I am altogether misprised: but it shall not be so long; this wrestler shall clear all: nothing remains but that I kindle the boy thither, which now I'll go about." - Act I, Scene 1. Basically he's saying, "My little brother is such a great guy. I hate him and wish he was dead."

“Now will I stir this gamester: I hope I shall see an end of him: for my soul, yet I know not why, hates nothing more than he. Yet he’s gentle; never schooled and yet learned; full of noble device; of all sorts enchantingly beloved; and, indeed, so much in the heart of the world, and especially of my own people, who best know him, that I am altogether misprised: but it shall not be so long; this wrestler shall clear all: nothing remains but that I kindle the boy thither, which now I’ll go about.” – Act I, Scene 1. Basically he’s saying, “My little brother is such a great guy. I hate him and wish he was dead.”

From: As You Like It

Pro: Well, he at least shapes up once he falls for Celia and is saved by Orlando from a snake and wild lion attack (don’t ask).

Con: Treats his little brother Orlando like he treats his servants in which he refuses to give him his rightful inheritance or pay for his schooling. Tries to have Orlando killed by a wrestler at court. Basically hates Orlando because his kid brother seems inherently good which makes him seem mean-spirited and hateful for no good reason.

Fate: Marries Celia in a wedding ceremony with Orlando and Rosalind, Touchstone and Audrey, and Silvanus and Phebe.

 

122. Proteus

"The best way is, to slander Valentine/With falsehood, cowardice, and poor descent;/Three things that women highly hold in hate." - Act III, Scene 2. Sorry, Proteus, but I don't think Silvia is going to buy that. Because she's not that into you.

“The best way is, to slander Valentine/With falsehood, cowardice, and poor descent;/Three things that women highly hold in hate.” – Act III, Scene 2. Sorry, Proteus, but I don’t think Silvia is going to buy that. Because she’s not that into you.

From: Two Gentlemen of Verona

Pro: Well, at least he ends up falling for his old girlfriend Julia in the end which makes Valentine and Silvia happy. Might be capable of self-revelation and change.

Con: He’s erratic and changeable that he falls in and out of love as often as some people change their clothes. Has no trouble being two-faced as he betrays his best friend and lies to just about everyone he knows. Stabs Valentine in the back when he tries to rape Silvia.

Fate: Marries Julia but his transformation his skeptical at best.

 

123. Valentine

"She is mine own,/And I as rich in having such a jewel/As twenty seas, if all their sand were pearl,/The water nectar, and the rocks pure gold." - Act II, Scene 4. Valentine better watch it making out with Silvia behind the Duke's back. Because the Duke might end up banishing him for it.

“She is mine own,/And I as rich in having such a jewel/As twenty seas, if all their sand were pearl,/The water nectar, and the rocks pure gold.” – Act II, Scene 4. Valentine better watch it making out with Silvia behind the Duke’s back. Because the Duke might end up banishing him for it.

From: Two Gentlemen of Verona

Pro: He’s loyal to Proteus to a fault and loves Silvia that he’ll risk his neck to be with her.

Con: Doesn’t know his best friend Proteus as well as he thinks he does. Also, Silvia wouldn’t like it if he gave her up to Proteus because she doesn’t want him. Oh, and he kind of let Proteus off easy for trying to rape his girlfriend. Has a cynical idea toward love. Places Silvia on a pedestal when she treats him like a servant.

Fate: Marries Silvia but in some ways, it’s “bros before hos” for him.

 

124. Silvia

"A fine volley of words, gentlemen, and quickly shot off." - Act II, Scene 4. Wonder if she's being sarcastic saying this. Wouldn't be surprised.

“A fine volley of words, gentlemen, and quickly shot off.” – Act II, Scene 4. Wonder if she’s being sarcastic saying this. Wouldn’t be surprised.

From: Two Gentlemen of Verona

Pro: Loves Valentine that she rebels against her dad and plans to elope with him as well as runs away to the forest to see him after he’s banished. Is bold, kind, and incredibly loyal as well as the only voice of morality and fidelity. Refuses to accept Proteus’s ring because she doesn’t want to hurt Julia’s feelings.

Con: Unfortunately, she falls for a guy who puts “bros before hos” that he’s willing to give her to Proteus after he tries to rape her.

Fate: Marries Valentine, but he’s still putting Proteus before her.

 

125. Julia

"Fie, fie! how wayward is this foolish love,/That, like a testy babe, will scratch the nurse,/And presently, all humbled, kiss the rod!" - Act I, Scene 2. Still, it doesn't stop her from going after Proteus in drag.

“Fie, fie! how wayward is this foolish love,/That, like a testy babe, will scratch the nurse,/And presently, all humbled, kiss the rod!” – Act I, Scene 2. Still, it doesn’t stop her from going after Proteus in drag.

From: Two Gentlemen of Verona

Pro: Loves Proteus so much that she’s willing to follow him to Milan dressed as a boy whose willing to give a ring to Julia. Very beautiful woman with suitors galore in Verona. She’s also clever enough to get a job as Proteus’s pageboy. Helps repair Proteus and Valentine’s friendship by befriending Silvia and talking about herself.

Con: Is initially fickle in her affections to Proteus when she tries to conceal her feelings for him and play hard to get. Unfortunately, Proteus is a turd who shifts affections to his best friend’s girl once he’s in Milan. Oh, and I’m sure she could do better than him.

Fate: Marries Proteus. Still, she doesn’t deserve the guy.

 

126. Maria

"That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer." - Act I, Scene 3. Well, she has a point about drinking since it doesn't help one's liver.

“That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.” – Act I, Scene 3. Well, she has a point about drinking since it doesn’t help one’s liver.

From: Twelfth Night

Pro: Well, she’s smart, witty, and very loyal to Olivia. She also likes to have a very good time. Also, she and Sir Toby Belch seem to have a healthier relationship than some Shakespearean couples since they know each other and have a similar sense of humor. And it seems that they love each other for themselves for Toby doesn’t care about her dowry nor does she care about his money either. Not to mention, she can certainly deal with his flaws as well.

Con: She has a vindictive streak and sets out to humiliate Malvolio after getting fed up with his criticisms of her. Devising an intricate prank that included forging a letter that leads him to make an ass of himself was kind of low.

Fate: Marries Sir Toby Belch and might be cast out by Olivia for being complicit in prank on Malvolio.

 

127. Gonzalo

"All things in common nature should produce/Without sweat or endeavor; treason, felony,/Sword, pike, knife, gun, or need of any engine/Would I not have; but nature should bring forth/Of its own kind, all foison, all abundance,/To feed my innocent people." - Act II, Scene 1. Basically, he's saying if he ruled the island, he'd just leave things as they are. Unfortunately, colonialism doesn't work that way.

“All things in common nature should produce/Without sweat or endeavor; treason, felony,/Sword, pike, knife, gun, or need of any engine/Would I not have; but nature should bring forth/Of its own kind, all foison, all abundance,/To feed my innocent people.” – Act II, Scene 1. Basically, he’s saying if he ruled the island, he’d just leave things as they are. Unfortunately, colonialism doesn’t work that way.

From: The Tempest

Pro: He’s the guy who provided Prospero and Miranda with food, water, books, and other “stuffs and necessities” when they’re pushed out to sea. Also the only character in the play to see Caliban as more than just a demonic beast. Is honest with a good heart and an optimistic outlook which helps his situation. Tries to break up a nasty argument between sailors and royals.

Con: Despite being right about everything, nobody listens to him.

Fate: Leaves the island and returns to Naples.

 

128. Brabantio

"Look to her, Moor, if thou hast eyes to see:/She has deceived her father, and may thee." - Act I, Scene 3. Really? So you're saying that if your daughter could deceive you by marrying a Moor, she could also cheat on her husband. That's a terrible thing to say to a son-in-law, especially Othello.

“Look to her, Moor, if thou hast eyes to see:/She has deceived her father, and may thee.” – Act I, Scene 3. Really? So you’re saying that if your daughter could deceive you by marrying a Moor, she could also cheat on her husband. That’s a terrible thing to say to a son-in-law, especially Othello.

From: Othello

Pro: Is rich. He likes Othello enough to invite him into his house.

Con: However, he’s unsurprisingly not comfortable with Othello eloping with his daughter Desdemona mostly due to very stupid reasons like racism. That or seeing his daughter as his property and sees her marriage as a potential business transaction that can’t happen. Thinks his daughter marrying a black man as bad as her cheating on her husband. Accuses his new son-in-law of witchcraft as well as tries to have him stripped of his title. When he fails that, he disowns his daughter. Oh, and he tells Othello that if Desdemona can deceive her dad, she could deceive him.

Fate: Dies of grief over his daughter marrying Othello. Not that he will be missed.

 

129. King Alonso

"O, it is monstrous, monstrous!/Methought the billows spoke and told me of it;/The winds did sing it to me, and the thunder,/That deep and dreadful organ pipe, pronounced/The name of Prosper. It did bass my trespass./Therefore my son i' th' ooze is bedded, and/I'll seek him deeper than e'er plummet sounded,/And with him there lie mudded." - Act II, Scene 1. Seems like King Alonso is willing to face his treachery against Prospero even if it horrifies him. However, Prospero probably just wants to get home.

“O, it is monstrous, monstrous!/Methought the billows spoke and told me of it;/The winds did sing it to me, and the thunder,/That deep and dreadful organ pipe, pronounced/The name of Prosper. It did bass my trespass./Therefore my son i’ th’ ooze is bedded, and/I’ll seek him deeper than e’er plummet sounded,/And with him there lie mudded.” – Act II, Scene 1. Seems like King Alonso is willing to face his treachery against Prospero even if it horrifies him. However, Prospero probably just wants to get home.

From: The Tempest

Pro: Well, he’s a decent parent since Prince Ferdinand turned out all right somehow. Is genuinely sorrowful for what he did to Prospero and Miranda and returns the guy’s dukedom.

Con: Is completely self-involved, easily moved by passion, and can sometimes be a total jerk. Can be a horrible judge of character for his willingness to keep Antonio around (who tries to talk Sebastian into stabbing him in the back). Doesn’t really think too much of his actions until he’s called to account for them.

Fate: Is reunited with his son and returns to Naples.

 

130. Jack Cade

"Thou hast most traitorously corrupted the youth of the realm in erecting a grammar-school; and whereas, before, our forefathers had no other books but the score and the tally, thou hast caused printing to be used; and, contrary to the king, his crown, and dignity, thou hast built a paper-mill. It will be proved to thy face, that thou hast men about thee, that usually talk of a noun, and a verb; and such abominable words, as no Christian ear can endure to hear." - Act IV, Scene 7. Obviously, this guy has never heard of the concept public education. That would've been better to advocate.

“Thou hast most traitorously corrupted the youth of the realm in erecting a grammar-school; and whereas, before, our forefathers had no other books but the score and the tally, thou hast caused printing to be used; and, contrary to the king, his crown, and dignity, thou hast built a paper-mill. It will be proved to thy face, that thou hast men about thee, that usually talk of a noun, and a verb; and such abominable words, as no Christian ear can endure to hear.” – Act IV, Scene 7. Obviously, this guy has never heard of the concept public education. That would’ve been better to advocate.

From: Henry VI Part 2

Pro: Though he’s a commoner, it doesn’t stop him from trying to have a voice. Stages a rebellion against the monarchy in order to establish a commonwealth, or republic where everyone gets a say and some power. And since lower class people didn’t have a voice in the 15th century, he kind of has a point.

Con: Claims to be the dead John Mortimer and stages a rebellion in London which got Richard of York back from Ireland to take care of them and caused a lot of collateral damage. Is against education, literacy, and grammar that he sees as a way for the upper classes to gain power. Yet, the concept of public education doesn’t really occur to him. Has Lord Saye executed vigilante style. Has no idea that the commoners were easily swayed because he had the loudest voice. Is also one of York’s unwilling pawns.

Fate: Tries to flee but is killed by Iden.

 

131. Sir Andrew Aguecheek

"He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural." - Act II, Scene 3. Like what make a complete ass out of yourself? Because Sir Toby Belch is hosing you and you have no chance with Olivia.

“He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.” – Act II, Scene 3. Like what make a complete ass out of yourself? Because Sir Toby Belch is hosing you and you have no chance with Olivia.

From: Twelfth Night

Pro: Uh, he’s rich and generous with this money.

Con: For one, his name sound like a disease. Second, he’s a stereotypical upper class twit who’s too stupid and vain to realize how little everyone thinks of him which might be a blessing. Third, he’s slowly having his money pilfered by Sir Toby Belch. Third, has a terrible fashion sense. Fourth, he has no idea that Toby is lying that he has a chance with Olivia just to steal his money. And he won’t leave Olivia alone despite that she’s neither thinks highly of him nor has any interest in him whatsoever. Not to mention, he’s stupid enough to challenge “Cesario” to a duel.

Fate: Well, he doesn’t get Olivia but it’s not like he had a chance with her anyway. He’s also deep into debt thanks to Sir Toby.

 

132. Pisanio

" No, on my life./I'll give but notice you are dead and send him/Some bloody sign of it; for 'tis commanded /I should do so: you shall be miss'd at court,/And that will well confirm it." - Act III, Scene 4. Thank God that Pisanio was around. Otherwise, this play would've been a tragedy like Othello.

” No, on my life./I’ll give but notice you are dead and send him/Some bloody sign of it; for ’tis commanded /I should do so: you shall be miss’d at court,/And that will well confirm it.” – Act III, Scene 4. Thank God that Pisanio was around. Otherwise, this play would’ve been a tragedy like Othello.

From: Cymbeline

Pro: He’s a loyal servant to Imogen and Posthumus and legitimately cares about them. Refuses to carry on with Posthumus’s hit on his wife because he knows she’s innocent and that he’d been played. Recognizes Imogen as Fidele when her husband and father do not. Understands the difference between what he’s told to do and what he should do. Sees through everyone’s deception and sees people as they are.

Con: As good of a servant he is, he’s not suited for being in the employ of an evil queen who wants her stepdaughter dead. He’s lucky to be alive under her. Also, he shouldn’t have given Imogen a knock out drug. Then again, it was from the Queen that was designed to kill her but he didn’t know that.

Fate: Remains in service to Imogen and Posthumus.

 

133. Count Paris

"The obsequies that I for thee will keep/Nightly shall be to strew thy grave and weep." - Act V, Scene 3. Sounds like something straight from a Hallmark card. Sure Paris is a good guy, but he's very much in the wrong place at the wrong time.

“The obsequies that I for thee will keep/Nightly shall be to strew thy grave and weep.” – Act V, Scene 3. Sounds like something straight from a Hallmark card. Sure Paris is a good guy, but he’s very much in the wrong place at the wrong time.

From: Romeo and Juliet

Pro: To be fair, he’s a nice, decent guy who would’ve made a good husband for Juliet. And had Juliet ended up with him, it’s very likely she might’ve actually come to experience a fulfilling, lifelong relationship. Also handsome and rich. Not to mention, he’s a perfect gentleman.

Con: Unfortunately, while he may be the right guy, he just happens to be at the wrong place and at the wrong moment. Also, the fact Juliet’s parents try to force her to marry him makes her want him even less (especially since she’s married to Romeo and hopefully he doesn’t find that out). Not only that, he’s intent on marrying a 13 year old girl which works out like you’d expect. He should’ve either waited until she was older and more mature to make up her mind or just find a woman his own age (preferably someone whose family isn’t involved in a long standing feud). Can be somewhat self-absorbed and possessive of Juliet as well as stiff without much personality.

Fate: Killed by Paris outside the Capulet family tomb. Poor guy, but that’s tragedy, folks.

 

134. Prince Escalus

"Where be these enemies? Capulet! Montague!/See, what a scourge is laid upon your hate,/That heaven finds means to kill your joys with love!/And I, for winking at your discords too,/Have lost a brace of kinsmen. All are punish'd." - Act V, Scene 3. In other words, "If you guys hadn't been fighting amongst each other, these kids wouldn't have gotten killed."

“Where be these enemies? Capulet! Montague!/See, what a scourge is laid upon your hate,/That heaven finds means to kill your joys with love!/And I, for winking at your discords too,/Have lost a brace of kinsmen. All are punish’d.” – Act V, Scene 3. In other words, “If you guys hadn’t been fighting amongst each other, these kids wouldn’t have gotten killed.”

From: Romeo and Juliet

Pro: He’s the most reasonable guy in the play and is absolutely disgusted with the Montague-Capulet feud because it keeps him from doing his job. Knows the feud is totally useless and really feels sad about Romeo and Juliet’s deaths.

Con: Unfortunately, it has to take Romeo and Juliet’s deaths to happen before he could end the feud. Also, exiling Romeo was a very bad idea (despite Benvolio telling him that Tybalt starting the feud by killing Mercutio but he doesn’t give a shit. He wants Lord Montague feels when he loses a loved one).

Fate: Hopefully, he accepts that he, too, played a part in this tragedy.

 

135. King Duncan

" There's no art/To find the mind's construction in the face./He was a gentleman on whom I built/An absolute trust." Act I, Scene 4. Has it occurred to you that this guy is a horrible judge of character? Little does he know the next Thane of Cawdor isn't much better.

” There’s no art/To find the mind’s construction in the face./He was a gentleman on whom I built/An absolute trust.” Act I, Scene 4. Has it occurred to you that this guy is a horrible judge of character? Little does he know the next Thane of Cawdor isn’t much better.

From: Macbeth

Pro: Well, he seems like a wise and benevolent old king who has some relative esteem for Macbeth’s bravery and loyalty. Also said to be a decent dad. He’s such a great guy that killing him would be completely awful.

Con: Unfortunately, coming over to the Macbeths as a houseguest was a really bad idea. Also needs other men to fight his battles and isn’t a great judge of character on that account.

Fate: Killed by Macbeth in bed at his castle during the night.

Great Figures in Shakespeare: Part 8 – Prince Malcolm to Jessica

richardiii01

I know this is kind of weird scene where Richard’s wooing Lady Anne. But this is how he puts his magnificent manipulation skills to the ladies. Once she leaves the stage, he’s like he can’t believe how he pulled off getting Anne to marry him. But then again, Sir Laurence Olivier was a pretty attractive guy, even as Richard III. Yes, he may be evil and poster boy for the historical villain upgrade, but he’s sure one magnificent bastard you can’t help but like.

Shakespeare might have been one of the greatest writers and playwrights of all time. However, this doesn’t mean that many of his plays offer good relationship advice. I know Taming of the Shrew comes to mind with Petruchio’s treatment of Katarina amounting to domestic abuse and psychological torture. Using bed tricks to get your man sure isn’t great advice for women in Measure for Measure or All’s Well That Ends Well and might even qualify as rape. But many people tend to idealize Romeo and Juliet despite that it involves two teenagers who get into a serious relationship way too quickly and commit suicide. Oh, and Romeo kills two other people, too. But in plays like Othello, Cymbeline, and The Winter’s Tale do get right that you should probably believe your wife when she tells you that she’s being unfaithful. Because jealousy isn’t a really good thing in relationships. In this selection we’ll meet more Shakespearean figures such as Prince Malcolm and Banquo from Macbeth, Henry VI, Edward IV, Lady Anne Neville, the Duke of Buckingham, Jessica from The Merchant of Venice, Don Pedro and Leonato from Much Ado About Nothing, Constance of Brittany from King John, George of Clarence, Lady Emilia from The Two Noble Kinsmen, and Goneril, Regan, and the Duke of Albany from King Lear.

 

106. Prince Malcolm

"Angels are bright still, though the brightest fell;/Though all things foul would wear the brows of grace,/Yet grace must still look so." - Act IV, Scene 3. Looks like Prince Malcolm is out to claim the Scottish throne as its rightful heir from Macbeth.

“Angels are bright still, though the brightest fell;/Though all things foul would wear the brows of grace,/Yet grace must still look so.” – Act IV, Scene 3. Looks like Prince Malcolm is out to claim the Scottish throne as its rightful heir from Macbeth.

From: Macbeth

Pro: Well, unlike his dad Duncan, he eventually gets it together to what a menace Macbeth is that he and MacDuff carry out a plot to save the kingdom. Thus, he proves to be much savvier and stronger than his old man. Said to have all the kingly virtues and is willing to see what needs to be done. Also knows when to get the hell out when there’s a guy who’s ambitious enough to kill for the crown.

Con: He may be an okay guy but after his dad’s murdered, he doesn’t know what to do and decides to run for it until he sees how things play out. Also, wouldn’t be able to save Scotland without MacDuff’s help.

Fate: Becomes king of Scotland but whether he’ll make a great king is the question.

 

107. Edward IV

"Why, so: now have I done a good day's work:/You peers, continue this united league:/I every day expect an embassage/From my Redeemer to redeem me hence;/And now in peace my soul shall part to heaven,/Since I have set my friends at peace on earth./Rivers and Hastings, take each other's hand;/Dissemble not your hatred, swear your love." - Act II, Scene 1. So everybody makes friends, aw. I'm sure England is now at peace and everyone can go home (sarcasm).

“Why, so: now have I done a good day’s work:/You peers, continue this united league:/I every day expect an embassage/From my Redeemer to redeem me hence;/And now in peace my soul shall part to heaven,/Since I have set my friends at peace on earth./Rivers and Hastings, take each other’s hand;/Dissemble not your hatred, swear your love.” – Act II, Scene 1 in Richard III. So everybody makes friends, aw. I’m sure England is now at peace and everyone can go home (sarcasm).

From: Henry VI Parts 2 and 3, and Richard III

Pro: Well, he puts a good enough fight to secure his claim to the throne twice. Loves his wife and family (as well as some girls on the side). Tries to make peace with the nobles once he’s on the throne again.

Con: He’s a self-interested guy who doesn’t care about honor or loyalty. Alienates his allies by sending Warwick to France but getting hitched to an English girl instead. Didn’t think others will be clamoring for the throne the first time he’s crowned. Way too trusting when it comes to his brothers, particularly Richard. Is duped by Richard into thinking that George of Clarence was trying to overthrow him and has him killed (in real life this wasn’t the case).

Fate: Dies of natural causes (in real life, he died suddenly at 40 and wasn’t driven to an early grave by Richard).

 

108. Henry VI

"Gives not the hawthorn-bush a sweeter shade/To shepherds, looking on their silly sheep,/Than doth a rich embroidered canopy/To kings, that fear their subjects' treachery?" - Act II, Scene 5 in Henry VI Part 3. Because the kings are more likely to be deposed under the canopy. It's not going to end well for him.

“Gives not the hawthorn-bush a sweeter shade/To shepherds, looking on their silly sheep,/Than doth a rich embroidered canopy/To kings, that fear their subjects’ treachery?” – Act II, Scene 5 in Henry VI Part 3. Because the kings are more likely to be deposed under the canopy. It’s not going to end well for him.

From: Henry VI Parts 1, 2, and 3

Pro: He’s a sweet, pious guy who’s always trying to make peace among his feuding nobles. Virtuous and good-natured, he readily listens to Gloucester’s general solid advice. Always wants to do what’s good for God and country. Great at making speeches. Not really into exploiting and killing people. Full of thought provoking words than damning ones and even thanks the guards keeping him in prison.

Con: Unfortunately, unlike his grandpa and dad, he’s not the kind of guy you’d want for a king because he doesn’t have the brawn, military charisma, political savvy, or insistence on getting the job done whatever it costs in spades. Doesn’t like to act on his own. Thinks he’s got a right to be king just because his dad and grandpa were. His pacifism is unlikely to impress nobles trying to win a war in France. Lack of experience totally undermines his authority. His choosing Margaret of Anjou as a spouse is kind of sketchy as well because he dumped a rich and well-connected woman for her but she’s pretty and she’s more savvy and ruthless than he is. Yet, that decision is ill-informed, misguided, and even Gloucester’s against the idea. Oh, and she doesn’t care much of him except that he’s a king and is her ticket to power. Having Suffolk woo Margaret for him was a really bad idea, ditto giving up some French lands for her. Also lacks his dad and grandpa’s decision making skills. His mediation to resolve the argument between York and Somerset kicked off the Wars of the Roses. But even then, he’s hesitant to fight it out with the Duke of York who wants his throne.

Fate: Gets killed by Richard of Gloucester (later Richard III. In reality, he was killed on orders by Edward IV. Also, in real life, he’s said to suffer from mental breakdowns and could’ve been mentally ill.)

 

109. Goneril

"As much as child e'er lov'd, or father found; /A love that makes breath poor, and speech unable./Beyond all manner of so much I love you." - Act I, Scene 1. Remember, she's just saying she loves her daddy because she wants his lands. So this is all bullshit.

“As much as child e’er lov’d, or father found; /A love that makes breath poor, and speech unable./Beyond all manner of so much I love you.” – Act I, Scene 1. Remember, she’s just saying she loves her daddy because she wants his lands. So this is all bullshit.

From: King Lear

Pro: Well, she’s pretty. Also, her complaints about her old man seem totally justified when it comes to his retinue of knights who were out of control party boys breaking furniture and harassing her servants.

Con: She’s absolutely selfish, ruthless, and extremely cruel. After her dad gives her half his lands, she promptly betrays him and doesn’t shed a tear when he’s forced to wander, homeless, and exposed to the elements. Poisons her own sister over an evil philanderer and has no remorse. Hell, she even plots to kill her husband.

Fate: Commits suicide because she’d rather die than apologize.

 

110. Regan

"I pray you, sir, take patience. I have hope/You less know how to value her desert/Than she to scant her duty." - Act II, Scene 4. Now that's a really mean thing to say about your sister Cordelia.

“I pray you, sir, take patience. I have hope/You less know how to value her desert/Than she to scant her duty.” – Act II, Scene 4. Now that’s a really mean thing to say about your sister Cordelia.

From: King Lear

Pro: Well, she’s pretty. Also has some good reasons to complain about her dad, especially when it comes to his retinue of knights who were out of control party boys breaking furniture and harassing her servants. Not to mention, her and Cornwall seem to be made for each other.

Con: She’s about as evil as her sister. But unlike Goneril, she’s more likely to get men to do her dirty work for her than attend to it herself. During the torture scene, she begs Cornwall to pluck out Gloucester’s other eye.

Fate: Poisoned by her sister Goneril.

 

111. Duke of Albany

"Wisdom and goodness to the vile seem vile:/Filths savour but themselves." - Act IV, Scene 2. Sure Albany's a good guy, but he's such a wuss that he makes Edgar do work for him.

“Wisdom and goodness to the vile seem vile:/Filths savour but themselves.” – Act IV, Scene 2. Sure Albany’s a good guy, but he’s such a wuss that he makes Edgar do work for him.

From: King Lear

Pro: Well, he’s not as bad as his wife and actually sticks up for himself in the end.

Con: Despite being a force for good, he’s a total wuss who let’s his vicious wife Goneril walk all over him. And even when he sees how evil she is, he still doesn’t do much to stop her. Knows that Lear and France might be in the right but leads his armies into battle against them anyway. Oh, and when he finds that Goneril’s cheating on him, he can’t confront him alone and brings Edgar in to do his fighting for him. Yes, this guy lacks any balls to do anything.

Fate: Well, it seems like he’s left ruling the kingdom with Edgar helping him.

 

112. Don Pedro

"If we can do this, then Cupid is no longer an archer; his glory shall be ours, for we are the only love-gods." - Act II, Scene 1. Still, you have to wonder why he doesn't find a girl for himself. And why he is played by Denzel Washington.

“If we can do this, then Cupid is no longer an archer; his glory shall be ours, for we are the only love-gods.” – Act II, Scene 1. Still, you have to wonder why he doesn’t find a girl for himself. And why he is played by Denzel Washington.

From: Much Ado About Nothing

Pro: Well, he was right about Beatrice and Benedick making a great couple and it’s better for them that he made it happen. He’s also a kind and good general who draws admiration wherever he goes. Not to mention, he’s also supportive for Claudio’s bid for Hero’s hand and helps arrange that. As a person of authority, he’s constantly the voice of reason and something of a peacemaker with clear speech and anti-dramatic tendencies. When Beatrice rejects him, he shrugs it off. Also has a sense of humor and very forgiving toward his half-brother.

Con: Unfortunately, despite his maturity and cool-headedness, he still ends up deceived by his brother Don John’s “window scene” presentation which easily shakes him into never being sure of himself again. But at least he knows his own gullibility unlike Claudio. However, since Don John is his brother, you’d think he’d see through his latest act of treachery even when it’s further denied. But he doesn’t and until the end, he sees Hero as guilty as charged. In some ways, he should really know better since he has even less of an excuse to trust Don John than Claudio.

Fate: He ends up alone.

 

113. Leonato

"For there was never yet philosopher,/That could endure the tooth-ache patiently." -Act V, Scene 1. Yet, this guy is willing to slut shame his own daughter and is likely to believe anything.

“For there was never yet philosopher,/That could endure the tooth-ache patiently.” -Act V, Scene 1. Yet, this guy is willing to slut shame his own daughter and is likely to believe anything.

From: Much Ado About Nothing

Pro: He’s nice to his niece and loves his daughter as well as wants her to be happy. He’s also cautious and friendly.

Con: In many ways, he’s a lot like the Sultan from Aladdin insomuch that he’s a local authority figure (Governor of Messina) who lets himself be guided by the ideas and opinions of others. For instance, he’s just as fine with Hero marrying Claudio as he would be if Don Pedro proposed to her. However, when Hero seems to prove promiscuous, he’s more likely to believe the noble accusers and threaten his own daughter. In fact, he’s humiliated and wishes she’d die. Sure he eventually does try to help Hero and confronts Claudio but not until the local priest convinces him of his daughter’s innocence. Yes, I know Claudio’s an idiot, but the fact this guy shames his own daughter over an adultery accusation is just totally inexcusable. As Hero’s dad, he should’ve been the first guy to defend her, not the priest.

Fate: Well, he gets to marry off his niece and daughter.

 

114. Lady Emilia

"I had rather see a wren hawk at a fly/Than this decision. Ev’ry blow that falls/Threats a brave life, each stroke laments/The place whereon it falls, and sounds more like/A bell than blade. I will stay here,/It is enough my hearing shall be punish’d/With what shall happen—’gainst the which there is/No deafing—but to hear, not taint mine eye/With dread sights it may shun." - Act V, Scene 3. Not sure if she likes both of these guys or neither or just doesn't want two guys fighting to the death over her.

“I had rather see a wren hawk at a fly/Than this decision. Ev’ry blow that falls/Threats a brave life, each stroke laments/The place whereon it falls, and sounds more like/A bell than blade. I will stay here,/It is enough my hearing shall be punish’d/With what shall happen—’gainst the which there is/No deafing—but to hear, not taint mine eye/With dread sights it may shun.” – Act V, Scene 3. Not sure if she likes both of these guys or neither or just doesn’t want two guys fighting to the death over her.

From: Two Noble Kinsmen

Pro: She’s beautiful, nice, and has fought in battles as an Amazon. Likes gardens. Is appalled when Palamon and Arcite fight to the death for her and tries to get them banished so she won’t have to deal with them again. Refuses to attend the fight because she’s horrified that other men will die simply because she’s pretty and exists.

Con: She unintentionally gets entangled in a love triangle with 2 different guys but she can’t see either as better than the other and doesn’t want to condemn one to death. Also, there’s no sign that she loves either of them and actually feels that she’ll never share a love as intense or as close as she had with her best friend Flavinia.

Fate: Marries Palamon but pledges to keep the day of Arcite’s death as a memorial day to him for the rest of her life.

 

115. George of Clarence

"Clarence is come; false, fleeting, perjured Clarence,/That stabbed me in the field by Tewksbury;/Seize on him, Furies, take him to your torments!" - Act I, Scene 1. In real life you're nothing but an opportunistic bastard who betrayed your family during the Wars of the Roses. You were executed because your brother Edward wanted you dead for very non-magical reasons.

“Clarence is come; false, fleeting, perjured Clarence,/That stabbed me in the field by Tewksbury;/Seize on him, Furies, take him to your torments!” – Act I, Scene 1 in Richard III. In real life you’re nothing but an opportunistic bastard who betrayed your family during the Wars of the Roses. You were executed because your brother Edward wanted you dead for very non-magical reasons.

From: Henry VI Parts 2 and 3 and Richard III

Pro: Well, he’s not as bad as Richard, but that’s not saying much.

Con: He’s an opportunistic bastard. Betrays his family during the Wars of the Roses after Edward IV marries a woman he doesn’t like (though he does go back). More focused on his own emotions and desires.

Fate: Gets stabbed and drowned in a massive vat of wine on Richard’s orders (in real life he was smothered to death on Edward IV’s orders because he wanted him dead which had nothing to do with prophecies. In fact, it had more to do with him being a part of an armed rebellion against his brother and other increasingly lunatic stunts. And ironically, Richard was against this).

 

116. Constance of Brittany

"Grief fills the room up of my absent child,/Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,/Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,/Remembers me of all his gracious parts,/Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form." - Act III, Scene 4. Well, that's what happens when your try to pursue your kid's claim to the throne of England.

“Grief fills the room up of my absent child,/Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,/Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,/Remembers me of all his gracious parts,/Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form.” – Act III, Scene 4. Well, that’s what happens when your try to pursue your kid’s claim to the throne of England.

From: King John

Pro: Wants her son Arthur to become King of England that she enlists the help of French king Philip II and the Duke of Austria to back her up with military muscle. Is tormented with grief after her son dies.

Con: Is limited by the people she has to work with and her allies are only interested in helping her so they could manipulate Arthur for their own purposes and gain control of England. Forgets that when allies are helping you for personal gain, they’re likely to abandon you when an opportunity for more gain comes along. This is what happens when Philip II marries his son Louis to King John’s niece. Also a lot of her actions to secure the throne for Arthur end up getting her son killed. Later becomes erratic and self-destructive.

Fate: Dies of grief over losing her son. In real life she died before her son did.

 

117. Lady Anne Neville

"Villain, thou know'st no law of God nor man;/No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity." - Act I, Scene 2. I'm sure Lady Anne must find something attractive about Richard or she wouldn't have married him. Oh, by the way this is Vivien Leigh best known playing Scarlett O'Hara and Blanche DuBois.

“Villain, thou know’st no law of God nor man;/No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity.” – Act I, Scene 2. I’m sure Lady Anne must find something attractive about Richard or she wouldn’t have married him. Oh, by the way this is Vivien Leigh best known playing Scarlett O’Hara and Blanche DuBois.

From: Richard III

Pro: Well, she’s beautiful and well connected.

Con: Gets herself hitched to a new man while she’s supposed to be mourning for her dad, husband and father-in-law (to be fair, this is supposed to show how much of a manipulator Richard III is. But in real life, he actually loved her possibly since they were kids. And she only married Edward of Westminster because her daddy wanted her to). Lets herself be used by her husband as a political pawn to further his agenda. Then again, she could be just as crooked and ambitious as him so she might’ve married him just so she could wear the tiara again.

Fate: Poisoned to death by her husband so he could marry Elizabeth of York (in real life she died of TB and he had no intention to marry his niece. Richard also took his wife’s death really hard. In fact, after his wife’s death, he was trying to arrange marriages for both of them to Portuguese royalty).

 

118. Banquo

" My noble partner/You greet with present grace and great prediction/Of noble having and of royal hope,/That he seems rapt withal. To me you speak not./If you can look into the seeds of time,/And say which grain will grow and which will not,/Speak, then, to me, who neither beg nor fear/Your favors nor your hate." - Act I, Scene 3. Seems like Banquo wants a prophecy, too. Then again, he's also saying that he doesn't care one way or another.

” My noble partner/You greet with present grace and great prediction/Of noble having and of royal hope,/That he seems rapt withal. To me you speak not./If you can look into the seeds of time,/And say which grain will grow and which will not,/Speak, then, to me, who neither beg nor fear/Your favors nor your hate.” – Act I, Scene 3. Seems like Banquo wants a prophecy, too. Then again, he’s also saying that he doesn’t care one way or another.

From: Macbeth

Pro: He’s sharp and smart enough to be the play’s voice of reason and know that something shady is going on with his friend Macbeth. Doesn’t seem to be taken in by the witches and wouldn’t be surprised if they’re trying to trick Macbeth. He’s also courageous in battle but tends to take his time. Has a good relationship with his son.

Con: Unfortunately, his suspicions on Duncan’s murder don’t protect him from his friend betraying him once he becomes king. Also, might be too ambitious for his own good and doesn’t snitch when he should.

Fate: Is brutally murdered by Macbeth. At least his son Fleance is wise enough to hightail it and survives.

 

119. Duke of Buckingham

"Is it even so? rewards he my true service/With such deep contempt made I him king for this?/O, let me think on Hastings, and be gone/To Brecknock, while my fearful head is on!" - Act IV, Scene 2. Seems like someone's peeved that he didn't receive the stuff he wanted for making Richard king.

“Is it even so? rewards he my true service/With such deep contempt made I him king for this?/O, let me think on Hastings, and be gone/To Brecknock, while my fearful head is on!” – Act IV, Scene 2. Seems like someone’s peeved that he didn’t receive the stuff he wanted for making Richard king.

From: Richard III

Pro: Well, at least he won’t kill kids because he waffles when Richard orders him to kill the princes in the tower (in reality, we’re not so sure).

Con: He’s greedy as well as willing to lie, cheat, and steal to help his pal Richard get the crown. Duped into thinking Richard will reward him with the earldom of Hereford once he becomes king (big mistake). After ticking off Richard, he hightails it to Wales so he can join forces with Edmond against him.

Fate: Gets executed on Richard’s orders.

 

120. Jessica

"Alack, what heinous sin is it in me/To be ashamed to be my father's child?/But though I am a daughter to his blood,/I am not to his manners. O Lorenzo,/If thou keep promise, I shall end this strife,/Become a Christian and thy loving wife." - Act II, Scene 3. Look, I know Shylock isn't a nice guy or a good dad. But her words about him are especially harsh. Also, she's has no plans to part with his wealth, by the way.

“Alack, what heinous sin is it in me/To be ashamed to be my father’s child?/But though I am a daughter to his blood,/I am not to his manners. O Lorenzo,/If thou keep promise, I shall end this strife,/Become a Christian and thy loving wife.” – Act II, Scene 3. Look, I know Shylock isn’t a nice guy or a good dad. But her words about him are especially harsh. Also, she’s has no plans to part with his wealth, by the way.

From: The Merchant of Venice

Pro: Sure she has to put up with living with Shylock which can be hell. And you can’t blame her for wanting to get out and dodge. May love and feel some guilt for her father. Thinks Lorenzo loves her because she’s smart and pretty.

Con: While you can’t blame her for eloping with Lorenzo, she’s a selfish bitch who breaks her dad’s heart. She converts to Christianity to escape being her father’s daughter and sees his conduct and behavior with being Jewish. Either that, or she’s suffering from internalized oppression that makes her ashamed of her own identity. Nevertheless, while she’s willing to part with her dad and her own identity for a man, she perfectly fine with taking her dad’s ducats which she freely spends and exchanging her dead mom’s ring for a monkey. And she even joins in the accusations of wickedness and cruelty made against him. Sure she may not have the best dad, but what she did to him was pretty awful.

Fate: Marries Lorenzo and takes all her dad’s worldly goods.

Great Figures in Shakespeare: Part 7 – Helen to Michael Cassio

cassio

Here is Iago giving a beer to Michael Cassio. Soon he’s going to have Roderigo provoke him into a brawl that will result in Cassio getting punished by Othello. This is later followed by Iago planting Desdemona’s handkerchief at Cassio’s house. Remember, everyone, friends don’t let friends share a beer with Iago.

Yes, I know seeing Lavinia in the last post might make your stomach churn. Yes, I know Titus Andronicus was written when Shakespeare was going through a Quentin Tarantino phase. But come on, a lot of his plays are pretty gory. After all, almost everyone dies in Macbeth, Hamlet, and King Lear. Also, most of his history plays contain a war of some sort being fought. So expect a body count of some sort. However, a battle scene isn’t going to look as gruesome on stage as it is in screen. After all, stage productions tend to have limited resources, Shakespeare included. So he probably wouldn’t have been able to do a reenactment of the Battle of Agincourt the way Kenneth Branaugh would. Anyway, in this selection, I bring you more Shakespearean figures like Helen and Bertram from All’s Well That Ends Well, Touchstone from As You Like It, Sir Toby Belch from Twelfth Night, Hermione from The Winter’s Tale, Horatio from Hamlet, Mariana from Measure for Measure, Richard of York, Duke of Gloucester, Octavius Caesar, Bassanio from The Merchant of Venice, Roderigo and Cassio from Othello, and Troilus and Cressida.

 

91. Helen

"Great floods have flown/From simple sources; and great seas have dried,/When miracles have by the greatest been denied./Oft expectation fails, and most oft there/Where most it promises." - Act II, Scene 1. Yes, but this doesn't mean you should try to get yourself pregnant to get your man to stay. And I don't care if you're married to Bertram.

“Great floods have flown/From simple sources; and great seas have dried,/When miracles have by the greatest been denied./Oft expectation fails, and most oft there/Where most it promises.” – Act II, Scene 1. Yes, but this doesn’t mean you should try to get yourself pregnant to get your man to stay. And I don’t care if you’re married to Bertram.

From: All’s Well That Ends Well

Pro: Almost everyone thinks she’s a great girl who’s smart, beautiful, and more than worthy of some decent guy’s love. Is able to hold her own by talking dirty back to an aggressive guy and doesn’t back down from a fight. Scores a husband in Bertram by curing the French king of his illness.

Con: She’s in love with Bertram who treats her like garbage and doesn’t love her back. So she stalks him and tricks him into staying with her by getting pregnant. She might come off as a social climber since the king gives her a new title and a bunch of money after she and Bertram get married. And she’s still willing to stay with him even when he deserts and cheats on her.

Fate: Married to Bertram and pregnant with his baby. However, whether all’s well that ends well is the question.

 

92. Hermione

"It shall scarce boot me/To say Not guilty; mine integrity/Being counted falsehood, shall, as I express it,/Be so receiv'd. But thus, — if powers divine/Behold our human actions (as they do),/I doubt not, then, but innocence shall make/False accusation blush, and tyranny/Tremble at patience." - Act III, Scene 2. Unfortunately, all hell breaks loose for Leontes that he ends up regretting his jealousy that destroyed his family.

“It shall scarce boot me/To say Not guilty; mine integrity/Being counted falsehood, shall, as I express it,/Be so receiv’d. But thus, — if powers divine/Behold our human actions (as they do),/I doubt not, then, but innocence shall make/False accusation blush, and tyranny/Tremble at patience.” – Act III, Scene 2. Unfortunately, all hell breaks loose for Leontes that he ends up regretting his jealousy that destroyed his family.

From: The Winter’s Tale

Pro: She’s a lovely wife and doting mother who’s unfairly accused of cheating on her husband, thrown in prison, and stands trial for treason. While standing on trial, she remains eloquent and poised as she calmly denies any wrongdoing. Her son’s death breaks her heart.

Con: However, possibly faking her death for 16 years is a great way to punish her husband for his cheating accusations.

Fate: Supposedly comes back to like from a statue and is reunited with her daughter and husband. However, her son Mammilius is still dead.

 

93. Horatio

"Now cracks a noble heart. Good-night, sweet prince;/And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest." - Act V, Scene 2. Boy, Horatio's going to have serious PTSD after dealing with all the dead bodies.

“Now cracks a noble heart. Good-night, sweet prince;/And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.” – Act V, Scene 2. Boy, Horatio’s going to have serious PTSD after dealing with all the dead bodies.

From: Hamlet

Pro: He’s the voice of reason in this play and he’s basically hanging out just to give his friend Hamlet much needed emotional support. Is the only one in Hamlet’s life who he can really trust because he doesn’t have any reason to betray him in some fashion. Is the only person Hamlet is consistently nice to. He’s smart and is very good with keeping secrets. Also has his head screwed on just right and is not part of the action.

Con: For one, he mostly doesn’t do anything. Second, due to all the crap that happened in this play, there’s a chance he might suffer from PTSD. Third, has to deal with the dead bodies in the end.

Fate: Survives the play so he lives to tell the tale. Not that it helps him.

 

94. Touchstone

"Ay, now am I in Arden; the more fool I. When I was at home I was in a better place, but travelers must be content. " - Act II, Scene 4. Looks like he misses court already. Well, perhaps he's not used to camping in the woods.

“Ay, now am I in Arden; the more fool I. When I was at home I was in a better place, but travelers must be content. ” – Act II, Scene 4. Looks like he misses court already. Well, perhaps he’s not used to camping in the woods.

From: As You Like It

Pro: He’s brilliant with a quick wit as well as insightful about human nature. Accompanies Celia and Rosalind in the Forest of Arden after Rosalind’s exile just to comfort them. Can say wise things in an amusing way without sounding like a drone. Laughs at himself as easily as he laughs at others.

Con: Can drive listeners to frustration if they’re not as sharp as he is. Loves to twist any argument and nitpick over any little thing. Falls for a dull witted woman named Audrey and threatens to kill a romantic rival in 150 ways.

Fate: Marries Audrey in a wedding ceremony with Orlando and Rosalind, Oliver and Celia, and Silvanus and Phebe. However, judging that he and Audrey don’t have a lot in common, it seems the relationship isn’t going to last.

 

95. Octavius Caesar

"He calls me boy; and chides, as he had power/To beat me out of Egypt; my messenger/He hath whipp'd with rods; dares me to personal combat,/Caesar to Antony: let the old ruffian know/I have many other ways to die; meantime/Laugh at his challenge." - Act IV, Scene 1. Seems like young Octavius really doesn't like being seen as a little squirt any more. And he wants to take over Rome for himself.

“He calls me boy; and chides, as he had power/To beat me out of Egypt; my messenger/He hath whipp’d with rods; dares me to personal combat,/Caesar to Antony: let the old ruffian know/I have many other ways to die; meantime/Laugh at his challenge.” – Act IV, Scene 1. Seems like young Octavius really doesn’t like being seen as a little squirt any more. And he wants to take over Rome for himself.

From: Julius Caesar and Antony and Cleopatra

Pro: Maybe young but is no pushover. Helps Antony defeat conspirators against his adoptive father. Later manages to defeat Antony and Cleopatra in battle and becomes emperor as well as one of the greatest Roman rulers ever. So he’s pretty pragmatic, determined, and smart. Extremely fond of his sister that he’s absolutely pissed when Antony abandons her. Is as menacingly an adversary as well as convincingly human.

Con: Unfortunately, once the conspirators are out of the way, “the let’s rule Rome together” thing doesn’t quite work out and he later turns on Antony. Is absolutely ruthless in getting what he wants. Disapproves of everything Antony stands for and thinks he’s squandering his duties during his time in Egypt. Is rigid and puritanical as well as a massive control freak. Also, he tends to use his sister as a pawn and doesn’t really consider that Antony may have an Egyptian squeeze. Not above trickery and willing to lie to get Cleopatra under his control. Has Lepidus done away with on spurious grounds and doesn’t seem overly concerned with keeping his word if it gets in his way. Orders those who’ve deserted Antony to fight on the front lines.

Fate: Becomes the first Roman Emperor. However, he doesn’t relish in Antony’s death and mourns the loss of a great soldier as well as buries him with Cleopatra.

 

96. Richard of York

"Is all our travail turned to this effect?/After the slaughter of so many peers,/So many captains, gentlemen and soldiers/That in this quarrel have been overthrown/And sold their bodies for their country's benefit,/Shall we at last conclude effeminate peace?" - Act V, Scene 3 in Henry VI Part 1. I guess he wasn't happy with losing a war with France. Well, there's always the Wars of the Roses.

“Is all our travail turned to this effect?/After the slaughter of so many peers,/So many captains, gentlemen and soldiers/That in this quarrel have been overthrown/And sold their bodies for their country’s benefit,/Shall we at last conclude effeminate peace?” – Act V, Scene 3 in Henry VI Part 1. I guess he wasn’t happy with losing a war with France. Well, there’s always the Wars of the Roses.

From: Henry VI Parts 1, 2, and 3

Pro: Loves his kids and is devastated by the death of Edmund of Rutland. Not afraid to fight and is no person to mess with. He’s calculating, smart, and strong. Would probably make a better king than Henry VI if he ever made it that far.

Con: His claim to the throne once he becomes Duke of York kicks off the Wars of the Roses. Hires a guy named Jack Cade to do his dirty work for him while he’s away in Ireland under the king’s command but he went back with that army. May not always be sincere so it’s probably not best to make a deal with him. Because he’ll probably break it.

Fate: Is stabbed by Queen Margaret of Anjou who taunts him with the death of his son.

 

97. Duke of Gloucester

"So long as I am loyal, true and crimeless./Wouldst have me rescue thee from this reproach?/Why, yet thy scandal were not wiped away,/But I in danger for the breach of law." Act II, Scene 4 in Henry VI Part 2. Now I guess this guy isn't going to be husband of the year. Even more surprising is that this guy's Lord Grantham.

“So long as I am loyal, true and crimeless./Wouldst have me rescue thee from this reproach?/Why, yet thy scandal were not wiped away,/But I in danger for the breach of law.” Act II, Scene 4 in Henry VI Part 2. Now I guess this guy isn’t going to be husband of the year. Even more surprising is that this guy’s Lord Grantham.

From: Henry VI Parts 1 and 2

Pro: Is a kindhearted guy to his nephew Henry VI and genuinely loves him like a son. So he’ll only give up his Protector title when Henry wants him to. Is totally not abusing his power and doesn’t want more. Stands up for himself when he’s wrongly accused of treason and strongly believes in justice.

Con: Denounces his wife after she breaks a law and goes on a walk of shame. He also likes his power as Protector but becomes a very vulnerable assassination target. Also his advice to Henry against marrying Margaret eventually got him killed.

Fate: Assassinated in a plot involving Queen Margaret, Duke of Suffolk, Duke of Somerset, and Cardinal Beaufort.

 

98. Mariana

"Now I come to't my lord/She that accuses him of fornication,/In self-same manner doth accuse my husband,/And charges him my lord, with such a time/When I'll depose I had him in mine arms/With all the effect of love." - Act V, Scene 1. Well, at least Mariana's sex with Angelo helps solve everything in this play.

“Now I come to’t my lord/She that accuses him of fornication,/In self-same manner doth accuse my husband,/And charges him my lord, with such a time/When I’ll depose I had him in mine arms/With all the effect of love.” – Act V, Scene 1. Well, at least Mariana’s sex with Angelo helps solve everything in this play.

From: Measure for Measure

Pro: Well, her willingness to sleep with Angelo in a bed trick gives Isabella one less thing to worry about. You also can’t blame her for wanting to get back at her ex for dumping her after her dowry was lost when her brother’s ship sank.

Con: Isolating yourself by living in a farmhouse surrounded by a moat is no way to handle a traumatic breakup. Also, by sleeping with Angelo, she runs the risk of having to marry the guy who dumped her for being broke. Then again, she might be aware of it and is willing to deal with the consequences. But even so, you’d have to wonder why she’d take him back after what he did to her.

Fate: Marries Angelo. Hope she’s happy with her decision. Then again, to her this is more like sweet revenge.

 

99. Bertram

"Go thou toward home; where I will never come/Whilst I can shake my sword or hear the drum.— /Away, and for our flight." - Act II, Scene 5. Well, maybe I can understand him. But still, he shouldn't really ditch a girl like Helena. Also, he's an absolute prick.

“Go thou toward home; where I will never come/Whilst I can shake my sword or hear the drum.— /Away, and for our flight.” – Act II, Scene 5. Well, maybe I can understand him. But still, he shouldn’t really ditch a girl like Helena. Also, he’s an absolute prick.

From: All’s Well That Ends Well

Pro: He’s rich, handsome, has lots of friends, and is a great soldier. Honest with not loving Helen and doesn’t think he should marry her because she did the King of France a favor.

Con: In short, he’s an absolute jerk. Now it’s one thing that he doesn’t like Helen as well as loathes being forced to marry her. However, this guy’s a rotten human being who’s mostly unwilling to marry Helen because of her social class more than anything (though she was also raised by his parents). After their wedding, he tricks her into going back to the Countess so he can run away to Italy where he acts like a total player and tries to seduce a girl named Diana. And he lies about it later to the king of France.

Fate: Married to Helen but it’s not exactly all’s well that ends well to him.

 

100. Bassanio

"In Belmont is a lady richly left;/And she is fair, and fairer than that word,/Of wondrous virtues. Sometimes from her eyes/I did receive fair speechless messages." - Act I, Scene 1. Well, at least he lives in an era of institutionalized gold digging. But he greatly desires to marry Portia for her assets.

“In Belmont is a lady richly left;/And she is fair, and fairer than that word,/Of wondrous virtues. Sometimes from her eyes/I did receive fair speechless messages.” – Act I, Scene 1. Well, at least he lives in an era of institutionalized gold digging. But he greatly desires to marry Portia for her assets.

From: The Merchant of Venice

Pro: Well, he has to be nice, smart, and good looking enough to win Portia’s hand and her heart. Loves Portia enough to be married to her (even though she may not be his top priority in his life).

Con: He’s an idiot and what 90’s R&B group TLC would call a classic, “scrub.” Has a lavish lifestyle but is really bad with money that he usually borrows from whomever he could instead of getting a job (luckily he lives at a time of institutionalized gold digging). And it’s clear that he’s been sponging off from his rich friends with Antonio included. But when Antonio can’t give him anything, he goes to Shylock. His plan for getting out of debt involves borrowing even more money so he could hook up with Portia whom he hopes will pay off all his loans and support his lavish lifestyle. So he takes a personal loan from Shylock and puts up a pound of Antonio’s flesh as collateral which is a really bad idea. Of course, he doesn’t take into account that Antonio’s ship going down in a storm that puts him in serious financial trouble, which is what happens and Shylock has Antonio arrested and brought before court. He may love Portia, but he’s more bent on marrying her for her vast disposable assets than anything else since he initially speaks of her as if she’s a cash cow. And even after they get married, he interrupts their honeymoon so he could help out his friend Antonio and gives up her ring.

Fate: Marries Portia in a double wedding ceremony with Gratanio and Nerissa. In Portia he gets everything he wants.

 

101. Sir Toby Belch

"If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction." - Act III, Scene 4. However, I'm sure Malvolio isn't going to find it funny.

“If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.” – Act III, Scene 4. However, I’m sure Malvolio isn’t going to find it funny.

From: Twelfth Night

Pro: Well, he likes to have a good time and knows how important it is, too. He’s also a force of vitality, noise, and good cheer. Whatever his faults, he’s certainly no snob as shown by his love and appreciation for Maria. And he doesn’t care what people think about him. Not to mention, he and Maria seem to be a better model for a relationship than other Shakespearean couples since they’ve known each other for a long time and share a similar sense of humor.

Con: He’s basically Olivia’s uncle who’s an endless source of embarrassment, especially when he goes on a night out drinking. This to the point that Olivia has Feste watching him. He’s also not above to live off someone else’s money whether it be his niece’s or Sir Andrew’s. Oh, and he likes to torment Malvolio for kicks and the fact he wants Olivia to cut him off. But at least he wants to let Malvolio go and move on. But he also tends to egg on Sir Andrew to woo his niece despite that she’s obviously not interested in him.

Fate: Marries his niece’s Olivia’s handmaid Maria. However, the two might be cast out soon for what they did to Malvolio.

 

102. Troilus

"The Greeks are strong and skilful to their strength, Fierce to their skill and to their fierceness valiant; But I am weaker than a woman's tear, Tamer than sleep, fonder than ignorance, Less valiant than the virgin in the night And skilless as unpracticed infancy." - Act I, Scene 1. Seems like Troilus is really preoccupied with Cressida at the moment.

“The Greeks are strong and skilful to their strength, Fierce to their skill and to their fierceness valiant; But I am weaker than a woman’s tear, Tamer than sleep, fonder than ignorance, Less valiant than the virgin in the night And skilless as unpracticed infancy.” – Act I, Scene 1. Seems like Troilus is really preoccupied with Cressida at the moment.

From: Troilus and Cressida

Pro: Is very much in love with Cressida that he declares his undying love for her. Is completely crushed when she hooks up with another guy.

Con: He’s fatally self-absorbed from the start. Obsesses over his own feelings that he forgets to pay attention to Cressida’s personality. Also totally obsessed with her body and talks about how he wants to have sex with her.

Fate: Well, he and Cressida don’t really get back together.

 

103. Cressida

"Yet hold I off. Women are angels, wooing: Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing. That she beloved knows nought that knows not this: Men prize the thing ungain'd more than it is." - Act I, Scene 2. So she's playing hard to get. I know how that goes. So I guess she's either not that into him, leading him on, or very immature.

“Yet hold I off. Women are angels, wooing: Things won are done; joy’s soul lies in the doing. That she beloved knows nought that knows not this: Men prize the thing ungain’d more than it is.” – Act I, Scene 2. So she’s playing hard to get. I know how that goes. So I guess she’s either not that into him, leading him on, or very immature.

From: Troilus and Cressida

Pro: Well, she’s pretty. Also, she might’ve been sincere when she promised to love Troilus forever and remain faithful because she doesn’t seem treated to have a will or desires of her own.

Con: She’s one of the most unreliable characters in literary history. Though she falls in love with Troilus and promises to love him forever, she has a reputation for being a serious flirt who’s very good at mind games. But says she plays hard to get with Troilus because she’s afraid he won’t prize her as much once he sleeps with her. Uses her beauty and sexuality to get what she wants but whether it’s either because she enjoys the attention or feels like she has no choice is hard to say. May be kind of a promiscuous woman because she can’t help herself.

Fate: Well, she and Troilus don’t really get back together.

 

104. Roderigo

" I do follow here in the chase, not like a hound that hunts, but one that fills up the cry. My money is almost spent; I have been to-night exceedingly well cudgelled; and I think the issue will be, I shall have so much experience for my pains, and so, with no money at all and a little more wit, return again to Venice." Act II, Scene 3. Of course, Roderigo has no idea that Desdemona doesn't want him and that Iago is using him as a walking ATM in his evil schemes.

” I do follow here in the chase, not like a hound that hunts, but one that fills up the cry. My money is almost spent; I have been to-night exceedingly well cudgelled; and I think the issue will be, I shall
have so much experience for my pains, and so, with no money at all and a little more wit, return again to Venice.” Act II, Scene 3. Of course, Roderigo has no idea that Desdemona doesn’t want him and that Iago is using him as a walking ATM in his evil schemes.

From: Othello

Pro: He’s rich.

Con: Lusts after Desdemona and thinks he could win her back if he follows her and her new husband to Cyprus and gives her enough presents. Is a complete idiot who Iago plays as a complete pawn by using him as a walking ATM and inciting a brawl with Cassio. Gives jewelry to Iago that he thinks is going to Desdemona but in reality, Iago is selling the stuff for a profit. Iago also persuades him to kill Cassio, too.

Fate: Stabbed by Iago and left for dead.

 

105. Michael Cassio

"Reputation, reputation, reputation! O, I have lost my reputation! I have lost the immortal part of myself, and what remains is bestial. My reputation, Iago, my reputation!" - Act 2. Scene 3. Don't worry, he'll get it back. After all, he's the most decent guy in the cast. Then again, that's not saying much.

“Reputation, reputation, reputation! O, I have
lost my reputation! I have lost the immortal part of myself, and what remains is bestial. My reputation, Iago, my reputation!” – Act 2. Scene 3. Don’t worry, he’ll get it back. After all, he’s the most decent guy in the cast. Then again, that’s not saying much.

From: Othello

Pro: He’s loyal to Othello and gets promoted for his high manners and theoretical learning. Also, he’s perhaps one of the most decent male characters in the cast.

Con: He’s very immature. Has no practical knowledge of battle. Has a Madonna-Whore Complex as well as treats his prostitute girlfriend Bianca like shit. His flirting with Emilia and Desdemona also doesn’t help matters. Gets tricked by Iago into getting drunk and into a brawl with Roderigo which gets him in trouble and costs him his job.

Fate: Gets to bring Iago to justice but since he got stabbed by Roderigo in the leg, he might be permanently crippled.

Great Figures in Shakespeare: Part 6 – Puck to Lysander

Sir_Joseph_Noel_Paton_-_The_Quarrel_of_Oberon_and_Titania_-_Google_Art_Project_2

Seems like Oberon and Titania are having problems again. Seems he wants the boy she’s taking care of and she won’t let him. Now Oberon’s just going to play a trick on her so he could get his way. Really mature. Not.

As you might see, you’ll find that there are plenty of parents in Shakespeare that might seem like complete jerks or outright hypocrites. At one point, people in the Victorian era thought Polonius was good dad since he gave some fatherly advice to Laertes. But he also has someone to spy on him while his son’s in France. He also uses Ophelia to spy on Hamlet as well as tells her not to have sex with him and pretend to dump him. Then you have King Lear who tries to divide his lands to daughters who professed their love for them. This leads his country into chaos and civil war. And it’s not just dads for you also have Volumnia from Coriolanus who lives through her son and always wants credit for his achievements. Then there’s Constance of Brittany from King John whose pursuit of her son’s claim to the throne gets her killed. That doesn’t even mention Titus Andronicus and Queen Tamora who kill each other’s kids to avenge those they lost in sick and twisted ways. Add to the fact that Titus killed a son just because he didn’t do what he wanted. In this selection I bring you more great figures in Shakespeare consisting of Puck, Lysander, Oberon, Demetrius, and Bottom from A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Mercutio, Benvolio, and Tybalt from Romeo and Juliet, Duke Vincentio and Isabella from Measure for Measure, MacDuff from Macbeth, Lavinia from Titus Andronicus, Timon of Athens, Julius Caesar, and Cymbeline.

 

76. Puck

"If we shadows have offended,/Think but this, and all is mended,/That you have but slumber'd here/While these visions did appear." - Act V, Scene 1. Yes, it was all a dream in the woods. But I'm sure Puck had fun with turning Bottom into an ass or having Lysander and Demetrius fight over Helena.

“If we shadows have offended,/Think but this, and all is mended,/That you have but slumber’d here/While these visions did appear.” – Act V, Scene 1. Yes, it was all a dream in the woods. But I’m sure Puck had fun with turning Bottom into an ass or having Lysander and Demetrius fight over Helena.

From: A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Pro: He’s a lot of fun as a mischievous sprite who is capable of circling the earth in 40 minutes. Serves to remind that the fairy world is not all goodness and generosity.

Con: He’s kind of a sociopath and consummate prankster who’s rather indifferent to human suffering. Sure it was a mistake screwing the love potion that made Demetrius and Lysander go after Helena, but he’s sure enjoying the results. But he only fixes things at Oberon’s request. And he shows no repentance over turning Bottom into an ass or having Titania fall in love with him.

Fate: Remains the same old sprite he started out as.

 

77. Oberon

"Once I sat upon a promontory,/And heard a mermaid, on a dolphin's back,/Uttering such dulcet and harmonious breath,/That the rude sea grew civil at her song;/And certain stars shot madly from their spheres,/To hear the sea-maid’s music." - Act II, Scene 1. As we know from Oberon, he should've been more specific when it came to applying love potion to a certain, "Athenian youth."

“Once I sat upon a promontory,/And heard a mermaid, on a dolphin’s back,/Uttering such dulcet and harmonious breath,/That the rude sea grew civil at her song;/And certain stars shot madly from their spheres,/To hear the sea-maid’s music.” – Act II, Scene 1. As we know from Oberon, he should’ve been more specific when it came to applying love potion to a certain, “Athenian youth.”

From: A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream

Pro: Sure he might take pity on Helena and is willing to make things better for her. As King of the Fairies, he does try to create human happiness. Knows how to keep Puck in line. Loves Titania but their relationship can be, well, complicated.

Con: Should’ve been more specific when instructing Puck with the love potion since he initially gave it to the wrong Athenian. While he may love Titania, he can be kind of a jerk when he wants her to do something. I mean the guy publicly humiliates his wife for an extremely petty reason and gets what he wants out of it. Can be a petty and immoral sadist committing various atrocities for amusement, but at least he eventually feels bad about them.

Fate: Is reconciled with Titania, at least for now.

 

78. Nick Bottom

"I see their knavery: this is to make an ass of me; to fright me, if they could." - Act III, Scene 1. Well, looks like someone just did, literally.

“I see their knavery: this is to make an ass of me; to fright me, if they could.” – Act III, Scene 1. Well, looks like someone just did, literally.

From: A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Pro: Took a night of being turned into an ass and being abducted by fairies better than most people would in his situation. Then again, being with Titania, he probably doesn’t mind too much (though he tends to forget it the next day). Is outgoing and good natured.

Con: Tends to be overconfident in his acting abilities and remembering lines. Also makes an ass out of himself both literally and figuratively.

Fate: Goes back to normal life and puts on a play with his colleagues in the community theater troupe.

 

79. Tybalt

"Romeo, the hate I bear thee can afford/No better term than this: thou art a villain." - Act III, Scene 1. Just wait until he gets himself killed by Romeo. That's right after he kills Mercutio.

“Romeo, the hate I bear thee can afford/No better term than this: thou art a villain.” – Act III, Scene 1. Just wait until he gets himself killed by Romeo. That’s right after he kills Mercutio.

From: Romeo and Juliet

Pro: He treats Juliet and the Nurse with kindness. Also can hold his own in a swordfight. Is supposedly a perfect gentleman, beloved of his uncle, and the best friend the Nurse ever had.

Con: Has a tendency to be difficult to interact with as well as be loud and angry at best. Has no qualms about being violent that he openly admits to hating the word peace. Kills Mercutio and feels absolutely no remorse for it whatsoever. In short, he’s an all-around asshole with violent tendencies.

Fate: Killed by Romeo in a teen gang fight. Pretty much got what was coming to him.

 

80. Mercutio

"O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you./She is the fairies’ midwife, and she comes/In shape no bigger than an agate-stone/On the fore-finger of an alderman,/Drawn with a team of little atomies/Athwart men’s noses as they lie asleep." - Act I, Scene 4. I'd like to tell you what he's just said. But I don't want to offend the parents reading this.

“O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you./She is the fairies’ midwife, and she comes/In shape no bigger than an agate-stone/On the fore-finger of an alderman,/Drawn with a team of little atomies/Athwart men’s noses as they lie asleep.” – Act I, Scene 4. I’d like to tell you what he’s just said. But I don’t want to offend the parents reading this.

From: Romeo and Juliet

Pro: Well, he’s quite fun to hang around and very entertaining. Willing to tell his best friend Romeo to snap out of it when he’s moping over Rosaline.

Con: Don’t question his manhood or how he “consorts” with Romeo. Is very quick to fight. Can be callous and cynical. Is too immature and hot-blooded for his own good. Can change his mood from cheerful to angry at the drop of a dime and is willing to start fights for no reason at all. Also, heavily implied to have love issues in the past which isn’t surprising.

Fate: Killed by Tybalt and his death is heartbreaking. It all goes downhill from here.

 

81. Benvolio

" I pray thee, good Mercutio, let's retire:/The day is hot, the Capulets abroad,/And, if we meet, we shall not scape a brawl;/For now, these hot days, is the mad blood stirring." - Act III, Scene 1. He's basically saying, "C'mon, Merc, let's go home. I don't want to get in a fight with the Capulets because everyone is really cranky with this hot weather." Too bad Mercutio doesn't listen to him and ends up killed. After this, I think Benvolio gets the hell out and dodge.

” I pray thee, good Mercutio, let’s retire:/The day is hot, the Capulets abroad,/And, if we meet, we shall not scape a brawl;/For now, these hot days, is the mad blood stirring.” – Act III, Scene 1. He’s basically saying, “C’mon, Merc, let’s go home. I don’t want to get in a fight with the Capulets tonight because everyone is really cranky with this hot weather.” Too bad Mercutio doesn’t listen to him and ends up killed. After this, I think Benvolio gets the hell out and dodge.

From: Romeo and Juliet

Pro: He’s the most reasonable guy in the Montague bunch and among the teenage characters. In all, he’s just a level-headed nice guy who just wants to keep his friend and cousin alive. And he’s the only one who doesn’t forget the death threats on those who fight in the streets. Too bad he’s always caught in the middle.

Con: Unfortunately, his voice of reason isn’t as memorable as Mercutio’s antics. And the fact he’s a Montague basically puts him in a generations long family feud that he’d rather not get involved in. Probably shouldn’t have encouraged Romeo to attend Lord Capulet’s party.

Fate: Hopefully, he’s alive by the end but he disappears after Romeo’s exile. Then again, as a Montague, he probably thought it was a good idea to get the hell out of Verona and dodge since there’s no point in staying anymore since Mercutio is dead and Romeo will soon be dead anyway (now that he’s an outlaw).

 

82. Lavinia

"'Tis present death I beg; and one thing more/That womanhood denies my tongue to tell: /O, keep me from their worse than killing lust,/And tumble me into some loathsome pit,/Where never man's eye may behold my body:/Do this, and be a charitable murderer." - Act II, Scene 3. Sorry, but Queen Tamora has something worse in store for you. And you'll probably won't be able to tell anyone about it.

“‘Tis present death I beg; and one thing more/That womanhood denies my tongue to tell: /O, keep me from their worse than killing lust,/And tumble me into some loathsome pit,/Where never man’s eye may behold my body:/Do this, and be a charitable murderer.” – Act II, Scene 3. Sorry, but Queen Tamora has something worse in store for you. And you’ll probably won’t be able to tell anyone about it.

From: Titus Andronicus

Pro: She’s beautiful, virtuous, chaste, and gracious. Then again, she’s not too perfect because her brother Mutius helped her and Bassainus run off together. Can read and uses Philomel’s story to tell her dad that she was raped after her tongue and hands were cut off. Also used as stick in her mouth to write the names of her rapists. Holds the bowl when her daddy kills her rapists.

Con: For one, she’s viewed by those around her as an object and has no voice nor agency. Bassainus makes off with her and is accused of treason after Titus promises her to Saturninus. Thinks interracial relationships are a bad thing.

Fate: Is killed by her dad Titus so her shame and his sorrow would die with her. Was said to be for her own good.

 

83. MacDuff

" Despair thy charm;/And let the angel whom thou still hast served/Tell thee, Macduff was from his mother's womb/Untimely ripp'd." - Act V, Scene 8. This translates to, "I was delivered by emergency c-section. So I'm not really a man of woman born." And he cuts Macbeth's head off.

” Despair thy charm;/And let the angel whom thou still hast served/Tell thee, Macduff was from his mother’s womb/Untimely ripp’d.” – Act V, Scene 8. This translates to, “I was delivered by emergency c-section. So I’m not really a man of woman born.” And he cuts Macbeth’s head off.

From: Macbeth

Pro: Really loves his wife and family as well as his own country. Isn’t a man of many words. But when he does say something, everyone listens. When Duncan dies, he not only mourns the king but also the man. When he’s suspicious about Macbeth’s actions, he decides to seek an English alliance so he could take his country back. Seen as a true man but accepts his natural place.

Con: Then again, you might also think that his actions against Macbeth are partially motivated by revenge. Also, when he left for England, you have to wonder why he didn’t at least take the wife and kids with him.

Fate: Kills Macbeth but now has to face the world alone (because Macbeth killed his whole family).

 

84. Cymbeline

"Thou took'st a beggar, wouldst have made my throne/A seat for baseness. " - Act I, Scene 1. Really, Cy, is your daughter marrying Posthumus that bad? I think you might need to chill.

“Thou took’st a beggar, wouldst have made my throne/A seat for baseness. ” – Act I, Scene 1. Really, Cy, is your daughter marrying Posthumus that bad? I think you might need to chill.

From: Cymbeline

Pro: He’s a kind hearted guy and truly concerned about the harm he might’ve caused with his foolishness. Forgives people quite easily for almost anything.

Con: He’s a dad you’d expect straight out of a Disney movie. Sure he’s nice, but he doesn’t exercise good judgement and makes a lot of decisions that almost screw up his kids’ lives as well as his kingdom. For one, he banishes Belarius for 20 years which leads to him kidnap his 2 sons (whom he doesn’t go after. But Belarius raises them well). Second, he marries a single mom because she’s hot despite that she’s evil and wants him for his power. Third, he believes everything his wife says simply because she’s hot. Fourth, when his daughter Imogen elopes with Posthumus, he banishes her husband and locks her away. All because he thinks Posthumus is below his daughter’s station. Fifth, starts a war with Rome just because his wife doesn’t want to pay a fine. Luckily, Imogen found the Queen out before she could poison him and helps stop the meaningless war.

Fate: Remains king of Britain, forgives everyone and is reunited with his kids.

 

85. Timon

"The gods confound—hear me, you good gods all—/The Athenians both within and out that wall!/And grant, as Timon grows, his hate may grow/To the whole race of mankind, high and low! " - Act IV, Scene 1. Okay, that's a bit harsh. No need to be deeply misanthropic here.

“The gods confound—hear me, you good gods all—/The Athenians both within and out that wall!/And grant, as Timon grows, his hate may grow/To the whole race of mankind, high and low! ” – Act IV, Scene 1. Okay, that’s a bit harsh. No need to be deeply misanthropic here.

From: Timon of Athens

Pro: Well, he’s rich and very generous with his money. Is well loved and throws lavish parties. Always willing to pay debts for others. Thinks his friends are the most important thing in the world to him.

Con: Unfortunately, the guy’s is always open for all takers as long as they say they’re his friends. He’s also so generous to his friends that he’s soon running out of money. As for his friends, well, they’re just hanging out with him so they could get a big pay out. Even his servants know his buds are phonies. May love his own image as a friendly, generous guy, more than he loves his “friends.” May just be attracted to shallow people and completely overlooks people who care about him such as his servant Flavius whom he treats like crap and doesn’t give a hint of gratitude. Once he finds out his friends are all fake, he nastily turns on them. Is also completely ignorant of his money problems or at least doesn’t want to know the reality of the situation. Once he’s thrown out of his home, he starts hating all mankind and living in a cave. When given the chance to return to Athens, he just curses and says he’d rather die.

Fate: Drives himself to death but his is less tragic because he brought so much of his bad fortune on himself.

 

86. Julius Caesar

"Et tu, Brute? — Then fall, Caesar!" - Act III, Scene 1. Should've not come to the Senate on the Ides of March, Caesar. But you didn't listen.

“Et tu, Brute? — Then fall, Caesar!” – Act III, Scene 1. Should’ve not come to the Senate on the Ides of March, Caesar. But you didn’t listen.

From: Julius Caesar

Pro: He’s charismatic and confident as well as more human than you think.

Con: For one, he should’ve beware the Ides of March but didn’t. Second, his arrogance, popularity, and ambition attract a lot of enemies who want to kill him which leads to his downfall. Is a total drama queen who likes to put on a big show and is beginning to show signs of tyranny like putting 2 guys to death for covering up his pictures. Has hearing problems. Is a lousy swimmer. Suffers from epileptic fits. Also might have fertility problems because he and Calpurnia are childless (in real life, Caesar already had kids so it’s probably Calpurnia). Trusts Brutus with his life way too much.

Fate: Assassinated by conspiring senators on the Roman Senate floor on the Ides of March. But it’s halfway through the play which really confuses high school kids.

 

87. Duke Vincentio

"My business in this state/Made me a looker-on here in Vienna,/Where I have seen corruption boil and bubble,/Till it o'er-run the stew." - Act V, Scene 1. I bet you he means that he didn't expect his city to be so screwed up. Or for Angelo to handle things so poorly.

“My business in this state/Made me a looker-on here in Vienna,/Where I have seen corruption boil and bubble,/Till it o’er-run the stew.” – Act V, Scene 1. I bet you he means that he didn’t expect his city to be so screwed up. Or for Angelo to handle things so poorly.

From: Measure for Measure

Pro: Goes on a fake vacation in order to test Angelo’s character. Loves his people that he can’t bring himself to punish them when they break the law as well as tries to be helpful. Concocts a scheme to save Claudio that makes both Isabella and Mariana happy.

Con: Has a wish to see long-ignored laws of morality enforced without looking like a tyrant. Disguises as a friar to spy on Angelo and his people. Holds confessions from unwitting people while impersonating a friar. Lies to Isabella about her brother being dead. Might have a God complex. Oh, and he proposes marriage to a novice nun like it’s no big deal.

Fate: Resumes his place as Duke and asks Isabella would marry him. It’s unknown whether she says yes.

 

88. Isabella

"No ceremony that to great ones ’longs,/Not the king’s crown, nor the deputed sword,/The marshal’s truncheon, nor the judge’s robe,/Become them with one half so good a grace/As mercy does." - Act II, Scene 2. Of course, when Angelo asks for sex in exchange for her brother's life, she's like, "So long, Claudio, it's been good to know you. But you shouldn't have knocked up your girlfriend."

“No ceremony that to great ones ’longs,/Not the king’s crown, nor the deputed sword,/The marshal’s truncheon, nor the judge’s robe,/Become them with one half so good a grace/As mercy does.” – Act II, Scene 2. Of course, when Angelo asks for sex in exchange for her brother’s life, she’s like, “So long, Claudio, it’s been good to know you. But you shouldn’t have knocked up your girlfriend.”

From: Measure for Measure

Pro: Well, she’s a pure and moral person who’s not as much of a hypocrite. Gives brilliant speeches to Angelo on Christianity, power, mercy as well as fiery denounces him for his treachery. Cares about her brother enough to visit him.

Con: Can be self-righteous and hypocritical as well as an outright prude. Seems to have no sympathy for Claudio when he asks her to give into Angelo’s desire and is revolted by her brother’s inability to keep it in his pants. Would rather see her brother executed for what shouldn’t be a crime than lose her virginity to Angelo (though she’s fine with asking Mariana to sleep with Angelo for her). Seems to be prone to unwanted sexual attention.

Fate: We don’t know whether she marries the Duke or becomes a nun.

 

89. Demetrius

"You do impeach your modesty too much/To leave the city and commit yourself/Into the hands of one that loves you not,/To trust the opportunity of night/And the ill counsel of a desert place/With the rich worth of your virginity." - Act II, Scene 1. Maybe Demetrius should follow his own advice because he's following a woman who clearly doesn't love him back.

“You do impeach your modesty too much/To leave the city and commit yourself/Into the hands of one that loves you not,/To trust the opportunity of night/And the ill counsel of a desert place/With the rich worth of your virginity.” – Act II, Scene 1. Maybe Demetrius should follow his own advice because he’s following a woman who clearly doesn’t love him back.

From: A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Pro: He might love Helena prior to the love potion, but he’s not aware of it.

Con: Initially thinks Hermia is legally entitled to him because he made a deal with her dad (even though she’s clearly not interested in him). This after he ditches her best friend, Helena to whom he’s abusive and insensitive when she refuses to give up on him. In fact, he tells her that she’s a real floozy by chasing him around and wishes that she was devoured by wild beasts. After that, he pursues Hermia and Lysander in the woods. Now we may criticize Helena for going after him, but this guy is a complete hypocrite and is just as pathetic as she is. Hell, he might even be worse since he relies on his male privilege and connections to be with a girl who’s clearly in a loving relationship with someone else. He needs to get over it. Sure he might be sweet to Helena at the end but it’s the love potion talking.

Fate: Marries Helena in a triple wedding with Lysander and Hermia and Theseus and Hippolyta. Sure he might be sweet to her by this point, but it’s the love potion talking.

 

90. Lysander

"For aught that ever I could read,/Could ever hear by tale or history,/The course of true love never did run smooth." - Act I, Scene 1. Well, he has a point. Yet, Lysander's heart is always with Hermia except when he's under love potion. But he got better.

“For aught that ever I could read,/Could ever hear by tale or history,/The course of true love never did run smooth.” – Act I, Scene 1. Well, he has a point. Yet, Lysander’s heart is always with Hermia except when he’s under love potion. But he got better.

From: A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Pro: He loves Hermia that he’s willing to run away with her into the woods. Knows the course of love never runs so smooth. Is likely to have a happy life with Hermia since he didn’t need a fairy love potion to fall for her. Also doesn’t need to have her daddy’s approval to marry her either. All that matters to him is whether Hermia loves him back. Well, at least when he’s not crushing for Helena on the love potion.

Con: Should’ve taken a page from Demetrius and tried to make a deal with Hermia’s dad who doesn’t like him. Can be a hopeless romantic. Also, switched affections for another girl under the influence of love potion. At least he gets out of it.

Fate: Marries Hermia in a triple wedding with Demetrius and Helena and Theseus and Hippolyta.

Great Figures in Shakespeare: Part 5 – King Claudius to Helena

Henry IV Part 1

It appears that Henry IV is trying to teach Prince Hal a lesson. Sure all he wanted was to go on a crusade to atone for Richard II’s death. But rebelling nobles, civil wars, and parenting won’t let him.

So we’re about halfway through. While you might think that Shakespeare is suited for high-brows, in his day, it was not. In fact, he had to satisfy a large audience. A lot of the Bard’s plays are full of adult humor, bawdy jokes, and double entendres but you probably never noticed in high school because the English language has changed so much since the 16th century which can seriously impact the comedies. Also, your high school English teacher probably didn’t tell you for obvious reasons. But let’s just say that when Hamlet is telling Ophelia to “get thee to a nunnery” he’s not telling her to join a convent and nor does calling Polonius a “fishmonger” have anything to do with his fishing skills. In this selection, you’ll meet Shakespearean figures like King Claudius, Queen Gertrude, Polonius, and Laertes from Hamlet, Cassius from Julius Caesar, Titus Andronicus, Feste from Twelfth Night, Helena from A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Leontes and Autolycus from The Winter’s Tale, the Duke of Cornwall from King Lear, Lord Capulet from Romeo and Juliet, Imogen from Cymbeline, Hotspur, and Henry IV.

 

61. King Claudius

"What if this cursed hand/Were thicker than itself with brother's blood, —/Is there not rain enough in the sweet heavens/To wash it white as snow?" - Act III, Scene 3. Basically, in this scene he's saying, "Yeah, I killed my brother, took his throne, and married his wife. Do I regret it? No."

“What if this cursed hand/Were thicker than itself with brother’s blood, —/Is there not rain enough in the sweet heavens/To wash it white as snow?” – Act III, Scene 3. Basically, in this scene he’s saying, “Yeah, I killed my brother, took his throne, and married his wife. Do I regret it? No.”

From: Hamlet

Pro: You have to admit, this guy’s a scheming Machiavellian bastard to a T. I mean the guy killed his brother, took the Danish throne, and married his widow. Seems to be nice to Gertrude. Not to mention, he probably has a lot of charisma since he managed to get nobles to accept the whole thing. Also, might be an okay king, despite how he got into power since avoids war with Norway. Talks his way out of Laertes’s rebellion, too. Even calms him down to convince the guy he’s innocent of Polonius’s murder even when Laertes has invaded the palace.

Con: Unfortunately, his nephew and stepson Hamlet isn’t really happy with him offing his dad, assuming the throne, and marrying his mom on short notice. So when his nephew puts on a play to call him out, he decides to kill him while playing the loving stepdad. He’s not successful, at least initially. He’s unapologetically selfish and has no qualms into manipulating people and using them as pawns. Hell, he probably has no conscience or doesn’t let it get in the way of what needs to be done. Probably has no remorse for what he did.

Fate: Is stabbed by a sword and forced to drink a poison that he devised for Hamlet by Hamlet.

 

62. Cassius

"Men at some time are masters of their fates:/The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,/But in ourselves, that we are underlings." - Act I, Scene 2. Cassius may be right. But he's going to stab Julius Caesar in the back anyway because he thinks the guy has it coming.

“Men at some time are masters of their fates:/The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,/But in ourselves, that we are underlings.” – Act I, Scene 2. Cassius may be right. But he’s going to stab Julius Caesar in the back anyway because he thinks the guy has it coming.

From: Julius Caesar

Pro: Very politically savvy and a manipulative bastard. Also, he’s not entirely wrong about Caesar’s political ambitions.

Con: Resents the way the Roman people treat Julius Caesar like a rock star and how he acts like a god. Talks Brutus into joining the conspiracy to assassinate Caesar which eventually leads to all hell break loo. But he does this mostly to further his own political interests and is basically using Brutus as a pawn that he could manipulate as he pleases. Strengths make him an unlikeable character.

Fate: Commits suicide after the Battle of Philippi.

 

63. Queen Gertrude

"Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted color off,/And let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark./Do not for ever with thy vailèd lids/Seek for thy noble father in the dust./Thou know'st 'tis common; all that lives must die,/Passing through nature to eternity." - Act I, Scene 2. Gertrude is basically telling Hamlet, "Your dad's dead. Get over him already." After all, she's moved on to marry Claudius, which her son's not happy about at all.

“Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted color off,/And let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark./Do not for ever with thy vailèd lids/Seek for thy noble father in the dust./Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die,/Passing through nature to eternity.” – Act I, Scene 2. Gertrude is basically telling Hamlet, “Your dad’s dead. Get over him already.” After all, she’s moved on to marry Claudius, which her son’s not happy about at all.

From: Hamlet

Pro: She tends to be fairly meek and submissive for most of the play which might seem bad but makes her a more interesting character in regards to her motivations for marrying Claudius. So it’s probably for the best. Loves her son Hamlet though their relationship just got a whole lot complicated.

Con: While Hamlet may seem like a dick to Ophelia, his tirade toward his mother is much more understandable since she married her brother-in-law a month after her husband died. Doesn’t help that Claudius murdered her previous husband either. You have to wonder whether she and Claudius were having an affair. Whether she knew anything about or had any complicity in her husband’s murder. Or if she just married Claudius because she didn’t want to be a widow shut up in some corner of the palace. Or if she was being practical and just wanted to avoid a power vacuum that would invite usurpation to the throne, according to Roger Ebert. Or perhaps she was forced into it. Also, we’re not sure of how much she cares about her son since she didn’t seem to speak up when Claudius was trying to kill him. Then there’s the fact that her marriage to Claudius really messed up Hamlet’s view on women. May have also killed Ophelia.

Fate: Drinks a cup of poison while toasting Hamlet (which was intended to poison him).

 

64. Polonius

"This above all — to thine own self be true;/And it must follow, as the night the day,/Thou canst not then be false to any man." - Act I, Scene 3. Those not familiar with Shakespeare might find this touching and sentimental. Real Shakespeare fans would find this hilarious since it's to be taken in irony.

“This above all — to thine own self be true;/And it must follow, as the night the day,/Thou canst not then be false to any man.” – Act I, Scene 3. Those not familiar with Shakespeare might find this touching and sentimental. Real Shakespeare fans would find this hilarious since it’s to be taken in irony. Since he doesn’t follow his own advice.

From: Hamlet

Pro: Loves his kids. Gives good advice to Laertes. Gives good one-liners and can be pretty hilarious. Must be doing something right as chief counselor to the king.

Con: Despite giving solid advice to Laertes in the beginning, he’s a complete idiot as well as a terrible and embarrassing parent. Sure he’s self-absorbed, long-winded, and dull. His advice is often tone-deaf and clichéd. Has elaborate attempts to keep tabs on Ophelia and Laertes such as spreading rumors so Laertes could confide to Reynaldo, who can report back to him. You might call him a helicopter parent, but that might be more of a compliment because he’s much more of a control freak. He’s also all too willing to use his daughter to get good with the king and his manipulative tactics leave Ophelia prone to Hamlet’s abuse, which can be partly to blame for her tragic end. Sure he may seem to love Ophelia, but would any good dad try and test if a relationship was real by making his daughter pretend to dump a guy? No but he would. Not to mention, he has some concern on whether she’s a virgin which is unhealthy. Also, hiding through a curtain to eavesdrop on a private conversation between a mom and son is a very bad idea. Then again, he has a nasty habit of spying on pretty much everyone along with kissing royal ass.

Fate: Is stabbed by Hamlet through a curtain while eavesdropping on him and Gertrude. Yeah, I know Hamlet killed him. But the guy was too dumb to live. And he kind of had it coming.

 

65. Laertes

"O, treble woe/Fall ten times treble on that cursèd head,/Whose wicked deed thy most ingenious sense/Deprived thee of!—Hold off the earth awhile,/Till I have caught her once more in mine arms." - Act V, Scene 1. Okay, Laertes, you love your sister, I get it. However, jumping into her grave to hold her one last time? May I say creepy?

“O, treble woe/Fall ten times treble on that cursèd head,/Whose wicked deed thy most ingenious sense/Deprived thee of!—Hold off the earth awhile,/Till I have caught her once more in mine arms.” – Act V, Scene 1. Okay, Laertes, you love your sister, I get it. However, jumping into her grave to hold her one last time? May I say creepy?

From: Hamlet

Pro: He’s a go-getter and a loyal brother and son. Worries about Ophelia getting involved with Hamlet (for good reason). Forgives Hamlet eventually.

Con: Has serious anger issues. His telling a priest to go to hell, making a big deal about Ophelia’s “unpolluted flesh,” leaping into her grave, and picking a fight with her boyfriend does not seem like appropriate behavior for a guy at his sister’s funeral. In fact, it’s creepy. Also, when receiving news about his dad’s death, he should’ve just rushed home to the funeral and checked on his sister’s well-being. Not raise a crowd of armed followers, storm a castle bent on committing regicide, and ask about what happened to your dad later. Is also easily manipulated into a scheme by King Claudius.

Fate: Fatally stabbed by his own poisoned blade by Hamlet in a duel.

 

66. Duke of Cornwall

"Though well we may not pass upon his life / Without the form of justice, yet our power / Shall do a court'sy to our wrath, which men / May blame but not control." - Act III, Scene 7. Of course, he's only gouging Gloucester's eyes out for kicks because he can get away with it. He'll get stabbed by a servant later.

“Though well we may not pass upon his life / Without the form of justice, yet our power / Shall do a court’sy to our wrath, which men / May blame but not control.” – Act III, Scene 7. Of course, he’s only gouging Gloucester’s eyes out for kicks because he can get away with it. He’ll get stabbed by a servant later.

From: King Lear

Pro: Well, he and Regan seem made for each other.

Con: He’s a sadist who enjoys causing people pain and likes being in power so nobody would be allowed to stop him. Puts Kent in the stock for failing to show a little respect. Has the Earl of Gloucester’s eyes gouged out for giving Lear shelter near his castle as well as for the pleasure of it. Treats his servants like shit.

Fate: Is killed by one of his servants for blinding Gloucester.

 

67. Titus Andronicus

"In peace and honour rest you here, my sons;/Rome's readiest champions, repose you here in rest,/Secure from worldly chances and mishaps!/Here lurks no treason, here no envy swells,/Here grow no damned drugs, here are no storms,/No noise, but silence and eternal sleep:/In peace and honour rest you here, my sons!" - Act I, Scene 1. Sure this guy might love his sons. But I think he should've honored them with a tombstone and some flowers. Instead, he has Tamora's oldest son sacrificed.

“In peace and honour rest you here, my sons;/Rome’s readiest champions, repose you here in rest,/Secure from worldly chances and mishaps!/Here lurks no treason, here no envy swells,/Here grow no damned drugs, here are no storms,/No noise, but silence and eternal sleep:/In peace and honour rest you here, my sons!” – Act I, Scene 1. Sure this guy might love his sons. But I think he should’ve honored them with a tombstone and some flowers. Instead, he has Tamora’s oldest son sacrificed.

From: Titus Andronicus

Pro: He’s a general and a war hero who’s loyal to Rome. Loves his kids but has a very funny way of showing it that doesn’t help his case.

Con: For one, he must’ve been a busy boy to have at least 26 kids (because that’s an unrealistic number of offspring so he’s probably not monogamous). Second, he’s a pretty lousy dad for what gets him into trouble usually causes much of his and his family’s suffering even if his actions are in the name of Roman tradition. I mean he fought a war with the Goths for 10 years and lost 21 sons. And thinks sacrificing Tamora’s son Arabus should be ritually sacrificed in order to appease their spirits even after she pleads to spare his life. Also thinks Saturinus should be Emperor of Rome because he’s the last guy’s firstborn son despite that the guy threatened him, doesn’t seem to be a good ruler, got dumped by Lavinia for his brother, and making Tamora his empress. Doesn’t think twice about killing Mutius for interfering with Lavinia’s engagement to the new Emperor. Kills Lavinia so her shame and his sorrow over her rape will die with her. His service to Rome matters more to him than the lives of his own kids. His quest to right some kind of injustice that was probably his own fault calls his morality in question. Also, while you can’t blame him for killing Chiron and Demetrius for what they did to Lavinia, the guy also serves them in a pie to Tamora.

Fate: Gets killed by Saturninus and perhaps justifiably so. This is what happens when you kill somebody else’s kid as a human sacrifice.

 

68. Lord Capulet

"Hang thee, young baggage, disobedient wretch!/I tell thee what: get thee to church o' Thursday,/Or never after look me in the face./Speak not; reply not; do not answer me." - Act III, Scene 5. Man, this guy really hates it when he doesn't get his way. Obviously doesn't care about Juliet's feelings does he?

“Hang thee, young baggage, disobedient wretch!/I tell thee what: get thee to church o’ Thursday,/Or never after look me in the face./Speak not; reply not; do not answer me.” – Act III, Scene 5. Man, this guy really hates it when he doesn’t get his way. Obviously doesn’t care about Juliet’s feelings does he?

From: Romeo and Juliet

Pro: He seems like an okay guy at first who doesn’t seem to mind Romeo so much. Can be a rational man who tries to talk Juliet and Tybalt out of some bad decisions. Tries to calm Tybalt down as well as control his temper.

Con: Can turn from okay dad to dad from hell if his advice is ignored. Also threatens to throw Tybalt and Juliet out of the family if they don’t tow the line. Believes he knows what’s best for Juliet. While he initially seems like he’s willing to be happy with what his daughter wants, once she’s with Romeo, then he’s basically forcing her to marry Paris. In addition to threatening disownment, he also threatens beat Juliet and send her to prison for disobeying him. Nevertheless, his actions reveal that what his daughter wants are irrelevant all the way up when he sees her unconscious and later, dead. Is tyrannical, violent, possessive, and implied to beat his wife.

Fate: His asking Lord Montague for his hand to end the family feud might show that he’s learned his lesson. Maybe not.

 

69. Feste

"Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry; bid the dishonest man mend himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him; any thing that's mended is but patched; virtue that transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that amends is but patched with virtue." - Act I, Scene 5. Of course, don't ask him to look after Sir Toby Belch.

“Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry; bid the dishonest man mend himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him; any thing that’s mended is but patched; virtue that transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that amends is but patched with virtue.” – Act I, Scene 5. Of course, don’t ask him to look after Sir Toby Belch.

From: Twelfth Night

Pro: Well, he’s a middle aged jester who’s still has the wit to carry off good fooling when he needs to and a good singing voice. He’s also quite charming to be in Olivia’s good graces. Not to mention, he tends to be smarter than most of the characters think.

Con: For one, despite being in Olivia’s employ, he tends to leave and return at her house at his pleasure (rather too freely for a servant though he might be doing some free-lance gigs). Also what he did to Malvolio along with Sir Toby Belch and Maria was cruel. But then again, he tells jokes for a living so you really can’t hold it against him. Still, don’t ask him to watch over Sir Toby.

Fate: Well, he’s still in Olivia’s household as far as we know.

 

70. Imogen

"There cannot be a pinch in death/More sharp than this is." - Act 1, Scene 1. If you keep sleeping showing your boobs, you might soon find out what's worse than seeing your husband banished.

“There cannot be a pinch in death/More sharp than this is.” – Act 1, Scene 1. If you keep sleeping showing your boobs, you might soon find out what’s worse than seeing your husband banished.

From: Cymbeline

Pro: Well, she’s intelligent, honest, beautiful, and resourceful. While she might mourn her husband’s banishment and moan about having foolish suitor, she doesn’t wallow in self-pity. Keeps her husband’s vow no matter what the circumstance whether it be Iachimo trying to cheat on a bet, her evil stepmother trying to kill her, her bratty stepbrother trying to rape her, her dad banishing her husband from the kingdom, finding her two long lost brothers and their kidnapper, and more. Not afraid to take advice and get the job done herself as well as goes after what she wants. When Pisanio presents her with men’s clothing, she just puts it on and hops on a boat to Rome. Sees through the Queen and tells her dad about it (though he doesn’t listen). Doesn’t accuse first and ask questions later. Stays calm and collected even when slandered. Her actions stop the war between Rome and Britain.

Con: Unfortunately, despite being a princess, she lives in an era when security cameras were unavailable. Also, while she may love Posthumus to prove her fidelity to him, the guy basically put a hit on her the moment Iachimo convinces the guy she cheated on him (luckily his servant gave her men’s clothes instead). This action is grounds for divorce and/or a witness protection program. Should’ve married Pisanio instead. Comes from a very dysfunctional family.

Fate: Lives happily ever after with Posthumus and reunites with her dad and brothers.

 

71. Leontes

"Mark and perform it, see'st thou! for the fail/Of any point in't shall not only be/Death to thyself but to thy lewd-tongued wife,/Whom for this time we pardon. We enjoin thee, /As thou art liege-man to us, that thou carry/This female bastard hence and that thou bear it/To some remote and desert place quite out/Of our dominions, and that there thou leave it,/Without more mercy, to its own protection." - Act II, Scene 3. Don't worry, the baby lives. But the guy who's charged with abandoning her exits, pursued by a bear. Still, Leontes here is played by Sir Ian McKellen whom you may know as Gandalf and Magneto.

“Mark and perform it, see’st thou! for the fail/Of any point in’t shall not only be/Death to thyself but to thy lewd-tongued wife,/Whom for this time we pardon. We enjoin thee, /As thou art liege-man to us, that thou carry/This female bastard hence and that thou bear it/To some remote and desert place quite out/Of our dominions, and that there thou leave it,/Without more mercy, to its own protection.” – Act II, Scene 3. Don’t worry, the baby lives. But the guy who’s charged with abandoning her exits, pursued by a bear. Still, Leontes here is played by Sir Ian McKellen whom you may know as Gandalf and Magneto.

From: The Winter’s Tale

Pro: Eventually repents his sins and endures 16 years of suffering.

Con: Goes berserk when he wrongfully suspects his pregnant wife of fooling around with his best friend that he plots to murder King Polixenes, puts Hermione on trial for adultery, and orders his men to ditch his newborn daughter in the woods. His behavior destroys everything that matters in his life like his family and friendships. Thinks most women are promiscuous by nature and doubts whether Hermione’s baby is actually his. Luckily the abuse on his family isn’t permanent. Also, he didn’t seem to take some time to look after his daughter Perdita. Thinks that his friendship with Polixenes when they started getting interested in girls.

Fate: Is reunited with his daughter and wife in the end.

 

72. Henry “Hotspur” Percy

"And shall it in more shame be further spoken/That you are fooled, discarded, and shook off/By him for whom these shames ye underwent?/No, yet time serves wherein you may redeem/Your banished honors and restore yourselves/Into the good thoughts of the world again." - Act I, Scene 3. Sure he wants to uphold family honor. However, this gets him killed because he's kind of a hothead.

“And shall it in more shame be further spoken/That you are fooled, discarded, and shook off/By him for whom these shames ye underwent?/No, yet time serves wherein you may redeem/Your banished honors and restore yourselves/Into the good thoughts of the world again.” – Act I, Scene 3. Sure he wants to uphold family honor. However, this gets him killed because he’s kind of a hothead.

From: Henry IV Part 1

Pro: Loves his wife and is loyal to his family. He’s such a badass that he’s considered England’s best warrior because he eats enemy soldiers for breakfast. And he sure loves to fight as well as talk. Said to be the quintessential manly man of his day that even Henry IV wishes Hal were like him.

Con: He may seem like an ideal man in the play, but he’s kind of a dumbass (explaining why he’s not necessarily the right guy for the throne). Can be quick to anger and rants so hard that his allies have to interrupt him. In fact, his hot-blooded ranting even stops him from entering the action he loves because he’s too busy fighting a battle in his imagination. Also is fighting for his family to take the English throne for themselves. Not only that, but he also tends to be rash, impetuous, incapable of strategy as well as has a habit of alienating his colleagues. When he hears that Glendower won’t be joining his rebel forces at Shrewsbury, he forges ahead anyway because he thinks winning an impossible victory would attract more to his cause (while half his army is absent). This is because he antagonizes Glendower over his mystical beliefs which doesn’t help him. Prefers fighting to sex to his wife’s dismay and doesn’t see the value of prison exchanges. Tends to be overestimated by Henry IV who wishes his son to be more like him. Has sexist and obnoxious views as well as acts like a jerk around his wife. Also underestimates Hal, and you know how that turns out.

Fate: Killed by Prince Hal at the Battle of Shrewsbury. Luckily, Hal feels bad about it and gives him a nice send off.

 

73. Henry IV

"O that it could be proved/That some night-tripping fairy had exchanged/In cradle-clothes our children where they lay,/And called mine 'Percy', his 'Plantagenet'!/Then would I have his Harry, and he mine." - Act I, Scene 1 in Henry IV Part 1. Basically he's saying, "I wish Hotspur were my son instead of Hal." For God's sake, your son's a teenager. Besides, Hotspur has his faults, too.

“O that it could be proved/That some night-tripping fairy had exchanged/In cradle-clothes our children where they lay,/And called mine ‘Percy’, his ‘Plantagenet’!/Then would I have his Harry, and he mine.” – Act I, Scene 1 in Henry IV Part 1. Basically he’s saying, “I wish Hotspur were my son instead of Hal.” For God’s sake, your son’s a teenager. Besides, Hotspur has his faults, too. For your son kills him.

From: Richard II and Henry IV Parts 1 and 2

Pro: Well, he’s an ambitious, energetic, charismatic, inventive, and capable king who had to work hard to get his throne and knows he has to be good at his job (though he initially fought a war to get his stuff that Richard II seized from him). He’s a cunning strategist, a capable decision maker, and popular with the English people. Doesn’t count on divine right to guarantee his support of his people. And he knows that if his son should inherit a kingdom, he should behave in such a way to show himself worthy of it. Is a noble warrior to boot since he had to raise an army to get his throne and retain it without ever losing his majesty. Has a good relationship with his dad and in his prime was the best jouster in England.

Con: Things would’ve been much easier for him had he not tried to fight a duel with Mowbray and he got off easy with 6 years exile because he’s Richard II’s first cousin (yet this allows Richard being able to seize his dad’s lands to fund an ill-considered war in Ireland). Also, he probably wasn’t fighting Richard so he can have his dad’s lands (because he ended becoming king once he had the guy cornered). His refusal to ransom Mortimer starts a rebellion, too. Not to mention, the Percys see him as an ungrateful bastard when they’re outraged by his demands to surrender valuable Scottish hostages to him (after they joined him in exile and helped him get his throne). Though he loves his son, he tends to underestimate him and thinks of him no more than a mere fratboy even after the Battle of Shrewsbury. Also, killing Richard II was one of the worst decisions he ever made in his life (that he ends up regretting). Not to mention, since he had to seize the throne to get it, his trouble tends to stem from his own uneasy conscience and his uncertainty about the legitimacy of his rule and lacks the moral legitimacy that every ruler needs. This makes it difficult for him to blame the Percy family for wanting to usurp his throne for themselves. Thus, he can’t rule as the magnificent leader his son will become after he dies.

Fate: Dies in his bed in Henry IV Part 2. But at least he and Hal have reconciled by this point.

 

74. Autolycus

" I must confess to you, sir, I am no fighter: I am false of heart that way; and that he knew, I warrant him." - Act IV, Scene 3. Don't be fooled by his wares. This guy is a con artist and a very good one, too.

” I must confess to you, sir, I am no fighter: I am
false of heart that way; and that he knew, I warrant
him.” – Act IV, Scene 3. Don’t be fooled by his wares. This guy is a con artist and a very good one, too.

From: The Winter’s Tale

Pro: Will do anything to make a buck and is very good at his job. He’s also very likeable because he’s so straight forward and well, honest (with the audience anyway). Also very entertaining with his lying and cheating interspersed with singing and dancing. Has a lot of cool disguises like a robbery victim, a peddler, and a helpful nobleman. Helps Florizel escape to Sicily. Quite cunning.

Con: He’s a con artist who roams around the Bohemian countryside taking advantage of any poor sap he happens to come across. His motives usually tend to be self-serving when he helps somebody.

Fate: Stops being a rouge after entering the Sicilian court.

 

75. Helena

"Ay, in the temple, in the town, the field, You do me mischief./Fie, Demetrius! Your wrongs do set a scandal on my sex./We cannot fight for love, as men may do./We should be wooed and were not made to woo." - Act II, Scene 1. Sure she probably shouldn't be pursuing Demetrius. Then again, he shouldn't be pursuing Hermia either.

“Ay, in the temple, in the town, the field,
You do me mischief./Fie, Demetrius! Your wrongs do set a scandal on my sex./We cannot fight for love, as men may do./We should be wooed and were not made to woo.” – Act II, Scene 1. Sure she probably shouldn’t be pursuing Demetrius. Then again, he shouldn’t be pursuing Hermia either.

From: A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Pro: Well, she loves Demetrius enough to go to hell and back with him. Also cares about her friend Hermia. Besides, her chasing Demetrius may not be altogether unjustified and might work in everyone’s best interests. And you have to agree with her about how it’s stupid that women have to be passively wait for the man of their dreams to notice them as well as worry about violence if they resist any unwanted male attention.

Con: She’s so pathetic that she’s happy to be with Demetrius even if he treats her like a dog. Also seems rather unconcerned when he threatens to rape her. Not to mention, running into the woods to chase a guy who’s mad at you and has a very short fuse isn’t a good idea. Oh, and she’s not great at keeping secrets. Full of self-pity and tends to whine. Also when Demetrius and Lysander seem to be in love with her, she thinks it’s a joke.

Fate: Marries Demetrius in a triple wedding with Lysander and Hermia and Theseus and Hippolyta. Sure he may love her at this point, but it might be the love potion talking. So she has a right to be skeptical.

Great Figures in Shakespeare: Part 4 – Aaron the Moor to Iachimo

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Look, Shylock, I feel for you. I know you’re going through a rough patch since your daughter ditched you and stole your money. And I totally understand why you hate Antonio’s guts because he treats you like shit for being a Jewish loanshark. But asking for a pound of his flesh as collateral and trying to claim it in court, was that good idea? No. By the way, this is Al Pacino and Jeremy Irons from the 2004 movie The Merchant of Venice. Pacino is Shylock and Irons is the merchant Antonio.

You may have noticed in this series that some of these characters are actually historical figures. Well, Shakespeare did write history plays which were not really true to the historical record and more or less used as Tudor and Stuart propaganda. Nevertheless, his play Richard III is a major reason why there’s a Richard III Society since Shakespeare’s Richard was almost nothing like the real thing. For instance, the real Richard III married Lady Anne Neville after her dad and husband died simply because he loved her. In fact, they might’ve been childhood sweethearts. And his marriage to her wasn’t very popular among his family since she was the widow of Henry VI’s son. He also renounced claims to the Earl of Warwick’s lands because George of Clarence was married to her sister. Not only that, but he certainly didn’t poison Lady Anne either despite rumors because he’s said to cry at her funeral as well as took her death hard. But he was also trying to marry a Portuguese princess towards the end of his life because well, he’s king and that’s part of his job. So anyway, in this selection I’ll bring you Aaron the Moor from Titus Andronicus, Edmund and Edgar from King Lear, Claudio, Hero, and Don John from Much Ado About Nothing, Caliban, Ariel, and Miranda from The Tempest, Richard II, Angelo from Measure for Measure, Shylock and Antonio from The Merchant of Venice, Ophelia from Hamlet, and Iachimo from Cymbeline.

 

46. Aaron the Moor

"Stay, murderous villains! will you kill your brother?/Now, by the burning tapers of the sky,/That shone so brightly when this boy was got,/He dies upon my scimitar's sharp point/That touches this my first-born son and heir!" - Act IV, Scene 2. Sure Aaron may be the bad guy in this play. But at least he's only parent in this who's willing to put his kid first. Unlike somebody we know (we're looking at you, Titus).

“Stay, murderous villains! will you kill your brother?/Now, by the burning tapers of the sky,/That shone so brightly when this boy was got,/He dies upon my scimitar’s sharp point/That touches this my first-born son and heir!” – Act IV, Scene 2. Sure Aaron may be the bad guy in this play. But at least he’s only parent in this who’s willing to put his kid first. Unlike somebody we know (we’re looking at you, Titus).

From: Titus Andronicus

Pro: He’s smart and a badass. Loves his baby son and puts him first even if it means revealing the entire revenge plot to the Romans so his kid could live. Being the only parent in the play to do so, he’s quite admirable, especially since he’s the bad guy.

Con: He’s a diabolical mastermind who convinces Demetrius and Chiron to rape Lavinia and responsible for framing Martius and Quintus for Bassianus’s murder. Oh, and he convinces Titus to cut off his own hand so his boys won’t die (they’re killed anyway). Though he might cause suffering so he could help Tamora get revenge, he also enjoys being bad and wreaking havoc on other people’s lives.

Fate: Captured by Lucius who has him buried up to his neck and left to die.

 

47. Edmund

"Who, in the lusty stealth of nature, take/More composition and fierce quality/Than doth, within a dull, stale, tired bed/Go to th' creating a whole tribe of fops/Got 'tween asleep and wake? Well then,/Legitimate Edgar, I must have your land./Our father's love is to the bastard Edmund/As to th' legitimate. Fine word, 'legitimate,'/Well, my legitimate, if this letter speed/And my invention thrive, Edmund the base/Shall top th' legitimate. I grow, I prosper./Now, gods, stand up for bastards!" - Act I, Scene 2. I get it, Edmund, primogeniture and illegitimacy sucks and I totally feel for you. However, it's no excuse for being evil.

“Who, in the lusty stealth of nature, take/More composition and fierce quality/Than doth, within a dull, stale, tired bed/Go to th’ creating a whole tribe of fops/Got ‘tween asleep and wake? Well then,/Legitimate Edgar, I must have your land./Our father’s love is to the bastard Edmund/As to th’ legitimate. Fine word, ‘legitimate,’/Well, my legitimate, if this letter speed/And my invention thrive, Edmund the base/Shall top th’ legitimate. I grow, I prosper./Now, gods, stand up for bastards!” – Act I, Scene 2. I get it, Edmund, primogeniture and illegitimacy sucks and I totally feel for you. However, it’s no excuse for being evil.

From: King Lear

Pro: Well, he has a point on how blatantly unfair society treats out of wedlock children, how foolish it is to trust fate and luck, and people’s tendencies to blame their troubles on anyone but their own actions. Yes, primogeniture is a total bitch. Is also quite charming and handsome. Also, you can’t blame him for having to hear his dad say how his mom’s a whore as a standard father-son conversation and being the butt of his old man’s jokes. Tries to save Lear and Cordelia in the end.

Con: He’s a real piece of work as well as short-sighted opportunist. Gets his older brother Edgar thrown out by telling his dad the guy is trying to kill him and cuts his arm to make it seem they were fighting. Betrays his dad by willingly and easily leaving him vulnerable to Cornwall’s anger. Bangs both Goneril and Regan which intensifies their rivalry (though he doesn’t show much affection to either of them. Also leads to Goneril killing Regan). Shows no hesitation or concern about killing Lear or Cordelia. Too bad he didn’t have his brother Edgar killed for good measure.

Fate: Killed by Edgar. If his brother hadn’t intervened, he would’ve become ruler of at least half (if not all of England).

 

48. Edgar

"And worse I may be yet: the worst is not,/So long as we can say, This is the worst." - Act IV, Scene 1. However, at least he foils Edmund's plans and gets to kill him.

“And worse I may be yet: the worst is not,/So long as we can say, This is the worst.” – Act IV, Scene 1. However, at least he foils Edmund’s plans and gets to kill him. But why doesn’t he tell his dad who he is?

From: King Lear

Pro: Is a bookish loyal, dutiful son and brother. Once he’s a fugitive, he not only saves his dad and Lear, kill Oswald in combat, nurses his old man’s wounds, and tricks him out of a suicidal depression, uncovers Edmund’s treachery, defeats him, and wounds him. Had he been caught and killed or remained in hiding, his brother would’ve gotten away from his scheme. Spent some time having to dress as a crazy homeless man to protect himself.

Con: Starts out as quite naïve, clueless, and privileged that makes him vulnerable to Edmund’s scheme that puts him on the run from the law. Also despite saving his blinded dad, doesn’t tell him who he is. Thinks his dad’s blindness is punishment for his adultery (even though it’s really producing Edmund). May not care much for women.

Fate: Kills Edmund at the end as revenge for practically ruining his life. Not sure what happens to him after that.

 

49. Richard II

"You may my glories and my state depose,/But not my griefs; still am I king of those." - Act IV, Scene 1. In essence he's saying, "I may not be king anymore but I still have my fans." I'm sure Henry IV isn't going to take this well.

“You may my glories and my state depose,/But not my griefs; still am I king of those.” – Act IV, Scene 1. In essence he’s saying, “I may not be king anymore but I still have my fans.” I’m sure Henry IV isn’t going to take this well.

From: Richard II

Pro: Well, once he gets depose, you can’t help feel sorry for him. Loves his wife. Can be quite poetic. Has some measure of dignity.

Con: Is a capricious, ineffective, and unpopular ruler. Thinks he’s God’s gift to the world and that He has specifically chosen him to lead England. Wrongfully assumes that no man could bump him off the throne and that he doesn’t need to defend himself from insurgents (this leads him getting deposed by his own cousin). Surrounds himself with a bunch of suck up advisers and loses touch with his critics and his people. Refuses to listen to constructive criticism and doesn’t learn from his mistakes. Also feels like he doesn’t have to answer to anybody for his mistakes. Exiling Henry Bolingbroke for 6 years and seizing John the Gaunt’s property after his death weren’t good ideas. Might’ve had his uncle Thomas of Woodstock killed. Mismanages money and leases out royal lands. Not to mention, when nobles are declaring each other traitor and there’s lots of behind the scenes maneuvering and murder threatening your crown’s stability, the last thing you should do is invade Ireland. But he does just that.

Fate: Murdered by Exton in prison, possibly under Henry IV’s orders. Henry IV would regret this for the rest of his life. At least he gets a royal funeral though.

 

50. Don John

"I wonder that thou, being, as thou say'st thou art, born under Saturn, goest about to apply a moral medicine to a mortifying mischief. I cannot hide what I am. I must be sad when I have cause, and smile at no man's jests; eat when I have stomach, and wait for no man's leisure; sleep when I am drowsy, and tend on no man's business; laugh when I am merry, and claw no man in his humor." - Act I, Scene 3. So he says he's not capable of deception. But he tries to convince everyone that Hero's a slut when she's not.

“I wonder that thou, being, as thou say’st thou art, born under Saturn, goest about to apply a moral medicine to a mortifying mischief. I cannot hide what I am. I must be sad when I have cause, and smile at no man’s jests; eat when I have stomach, and wait for no man’s leisure; sleep when I am drowsy, and tend on no man’s business; laugh when I am merry, and claw no man in his humor.” – Act I, Scene 3. So he says he’s not capable of deception. But he tries to convince everyone that Hero’s a slut when she’s not.

From: Much Ado About Nothing

Pro: Well, he doesn’t say much in the play which might be for the best. But he’s also quite charming.

Con: Due to his illegitimacy, he tends to have a massive beef with this half-brother Don Pedro. Because he fought a whole battle against him that he’s been forced into reconciliation. Basically cooks up a plot to smear Hero just to hurt Claudio and embarrass his brother. They’re duped and Hero is put through a world of pain. Luckily he forgets to pay Borachio and didn’t account for the night watchmen overhearing his plans.

Fate: Don’t worry, he gets arrested but he’s not sorry for what he’s done.

 

51. Count Claudio

"If I see anything tonight why I should not marry her, tomorrow in the congregation, where I should wed, there will I shame her." - Act III, Scene 2. Uh, Claudio, you really shouldn't do this because that wasn't your Hero fooling around with Borachio. Seriously, you've been played.

“If I see anything tonight why I should not marry her, tomorrow in the congregation, where I should wed, there will I shame her.” – Act III, Scene 2. Uh, Claudio, you really shouldn’t do this because that wasn’t your Hero fooling around with Borachio. Seriously, you’ve been played. Ever wonder why we all like Benedick and Beatrice better?

From: Much Ado About Nothing

Pro: He’s said to have won great acclaim fighting under Don Pedro in recent wars. And it seems that he’s really in love with Hero to distraction in Messina. Well, at first.

Con: He’s incredibly immature who’s gullible and easily manipulated. Nor does he have any capacity for modesty and real apology. He may really love Hero or might want her since she stands to inherit Leonato’s fortune. But he’s also capable of publicly shaming her when he allows himself to be deceived by Don John into thinking that she’s cheating on him. And this happens not just once, but twice. Yet, when he has chance to apologize for his lack of critical thinking, he struggles to cover his ass instead. Nevertheless, unlike Benedick, by the end, he doesn’t really grow up and is willing to concede to whatever marriage plan is presented to him.

Fate: Marries Hero in a double ceremony with Beatrice and Benedick. However, after what he did during the play, do you think we could really root for him getting the girl? Seriously, he’s just lucky that Hero and her folks are willing to forgive him and accept him.

 

52. Hero

"O, God defend me! how am I beset!/What kind of catechising call you this?" Act IV, Scene 1. And yet, Hero is still willing to marry Claudio after he shamed her for being a slut (which she wasn't). Yeah, I don't know how that's a happy ending.

“O, God defend me! how am I beset!/What kind of catechising call you this?” Act IV, Scene 1. And yet, Hero is still willing to marry Claudio after he shamed her for being a slut (which she wasn’t). Yeah, I don’t know how that’s a happy ending.

From: Much Ado About Nothing

Pro: Well, she’s sweet, gentle, loving, and pretty. So much so that she’s somewhat of a saint who’s easily willing to forgive Claudio for publicly shaming her for being unchaste. However, she’s right about setting Beatrice and Benedick up since they’re right for each other.

Con: Unfortunately, she’s too nice for her own good that she doesn’t seem to possess a spine. Nor does she put up a strong defense when Claudio publicly denounces her, or at least violently enough to inspire anyone to really question his claims. Instead she faints. And despite Claudio’s insane wrath on her, she’s just happy to accept him as her husband again. Not to mention, she has a tendency to do what she’s told and has no real character depth.

Fate: Marries Claudio in a double ceremony with Beatrice and Benedick. However, at this point, you kind of wish she’d leave at the altar and find someone better. Or perhaps be pretending to be chaste so she’d be a more interesting character.

 

53. Angelo

"'Tis one thing to be tempted, Escalus,/Another thing to fall. I do not deny,/The jury, passing on the prisoner’s life,/May in the sworn twelve have a thief or two/Guiltier than him they try." - Act II, Scene 2. And you thought Inspector Javert was too much of a stickler over pursuing a guy for 2 decade for parole violations.

“‘Tis one thing to be tempted, Escalus,/Another thing to fall. I do not deny,/The jury, passing on the prisoner’s life,/May in the sworn twelve have a thief or two/Guiltier than him they try.” – Act II, Scene 2. And you thought Inspector Javert was too much of a stickler over pursuing a guy for 2 decade for parole violations.

From: Measure for Measure

Pro: Can self-analyze and be honest with himself. Also, apparently repents his hypocrisy. May be sincere in his prayers.

Con: He’s a major hypocrite who sentences Claudio to death for knocking up his fiancée (he was willing to marry) while trying to bang his sister who’s a novice nun. Oh, and when he believes they’ve done it, he has Claudio’s execution proceed anyway. Dumped his fiancée Mariana after her dowry was lost when her brother’s ship sank. Carries a façade of righteousness but has a penchant for deceit and corruption as a deputy to the Duke of Vienna. Has a Javert like tendency to enforce the law while ignoring mercy but with a more draconian streak.

Fate: Marries Mariana in the end, which is probably what he deserved.

 

54. Caliban

"You taught me language, and my profit on't/Is, I know how to curse. The red plague rid you,/For learning me your language!" - Act I, Scene 2. Then again, Caliban probably shouldn't have tried to rape Miranda since Prospero wouldn't have it.

“You taught me language, and my profit on’t/Is, I know how to curse. The red plague rid you,/For learning me your language!” – Act I, Scene 2. Then again, Caliban probably shouldn’t have tried to rape Miranda since Prospero wouldn’t have it.

From: The Tempest

Pro: Well, he does have some legitimate complaints about Prospero enslaving him (after establishing a decent relationship with him). And you can’t blame him for challenging his authority either. Helped Prospero survive on the island for 12 years. Can be quite poetic once he was able to learn how to speak.

Con: However, he did try to rape Miranda when she tried teaching him how to read. This makes Prospero and Miranda hating him rather understandable. Also, he’s kind of a despicable creature.

Fate: His fate after the play is left ambiguous.

 

55. Shylock

"Signior Antonio, many a time and oft/In the Rialto you have rated me/About my moneys, and my usances:/Still have I borne it with a patient shrug,/For sufferance is the badge of all our tribe./You call me misbeliever, cut-throat dog,/And spit upon my Jewish gaberdine,/And all for use of that which is mine own." - Act I, Scene 3. I guess Shylock has a right to be fed up with how Antonio treats him. But asking for a pound of his flesh as collateral? What are you thinking?

“Signior Antonio, many a time and oft/In the Rialto you have rated me/About my moneys, and my usances:/Still have I borne it with a patient shrug,/For sufferance is the badge of all our tribe./You call me misbeliever, cut-throat dog,/And spit upon my Jewish gaberdine,/And all for use of that which is mine own.” – Act I, Scene 3. I guess Shylock has a right to be fed up with how Antonio treats him. But asking for a pound of his flesh as collateral? What are you thinking?

From: The Merchant of Venice

Pro: Well, you can’t really blame him from wanting to kill Antonio for insulting and spitting on him. Loves his daughter Jessica and is genuinely upset when she runs off with Lorenzo and his money as well as exchanges her dead mom’s turquoise ring for a monkey. Can sometimes be insightful on human relations, especially in the realm of Christian hypocrisy. Other than trying to use law to get away with murder, he doesn’t do anything particularly bad…at least what you’d expect of anyone else in a Shakespeare play.

Con: Initially seen by many as a greedy materialistic Jewish stereotype due to his profession and his faith. And he can be at best stingy, selfish, and puritanical. Is rude and base in his interactions such as being abrupt with his daughter and mean to his servant. His home is a mess. Okay, he might love his daughter but he tends to have funny way of showing it such as locking her up and treating her with little kindness and affection. All the while, he tends to take her for granted as well as neither knows nor understands her. This is why Jessica runs away from him and tries to milk him for all his worth. While he’s certainly a victim of antisemitism, asking for a pound of some guy’s flesh isn’t a great way to deal with it. Oh, and having Antonio arrested and brought before court to claim a pound of his flesh will sure turn out well (sarcasm). Also, he should’ve just taken Portia’s offer and reject the claim.

Fate: Is forced to sign over his worldly goods to his ungrateful daughter who betrayed him and to convert to Christianity which makes him become a broken man who’s lost everything.

 

56. Antonio

"In sooth, I know not why I am so sad./It wearies me, you say it wearies you." - Act I, Scene 1. I think you're sad because your best friend wants to marry a rich heiress and you're worried about losing him. Still, that chair must be comfy.

“In sooth, I know not why I am so sad./It wearies me, you say it wearies you.” – Act I, Scene 1. I think you’re sad because your best friend wants to marry a rich heiress and you’re worried about losing him. Still, that chair must be comfy.

From: The Merchant of Venice

Pro: He’s very good friends with Bassanio and is willing to do anything for him. He’s kind, generous, honest, confident, as well as loved and revered by all the Christians who know him (Jews not so much).

Con: Is an unapologetic Anti-Semite who treats Shylock like shit that the Jewish moneylender wants him dead. He even gives interest-free loans to his Christian friends in order to undermine Shylock’s business. Might possibly be in love with Bassanio but he’s straight (according to some interpretations. However, Jeremy Irons said he sees Bassanio as a surrogate son). Pressures Bassanio to give away Portia’s ring even after he’s off the hook. Actually, he might play the “self-sacrificing friend” card a little too thick possibly to guilt trip Bassanio into leaving Portia and Belmot. Tends to be depressed a lot, mostly due to Bassanio’s relationship with Portia.

Fate: Well, he lives but he can’t spend as much time with Bassanio as he used to since he’s married now.

 

57. Ariel

"You fools! I and my fellows/Are ministers of Fate; the elements,/Of whom your swords are temper'd may as well/Wound the loud winds, or with bemock'd-at stabs/Kill the still-closing waters, as diminish/One dowle that's in my plume." - Act III, Scene 3. As for Ariel's gender, it's usually according to who the casting director decides for the role. But is usually referred as a guy.

“You fools! I and my fellows/Are ministers of Fate; the elements,/Of whom your swords are temper’d may as well/Wound the loud winds, or with bemock’d-at stabs/Kill the still-closing waters, as diminish/One dowle that’s in my plume.” – Act III, Scene 3. As for Ariel’s gender, it’s usually according to who the casting director decides for the role. But is usually referred as a guy.

From: The Tempest

Pro: Has a warm and loving relationship with Prospero whom he tricked into saving his life. Though he happily serves Prospero, he does want his freedom but knows he’ll have it someday. He’s capable of empathy and goodness that he’s willing to get Prospero to see the shipwrecked survivors and their pitiful state and talks him into forgiving his brother. Skilled in magic and speaks in beautiful verse. Stops a conspiracy to kill King Alonso as well as a Caliban’s plot to turn the sailors against Prospero and murder him.

Con: Though addressed as a guy, can be mistaken for a girl (then again, we’re not sure what he is).

Fate: Is freed by Prospero just as promised.

 

58. Miranda

"There’s nothing ill can dwell in such a temple:/If the ill spirit have so fair a house,/Good things will strive to dwell with ’t." - Act I, Scene 2. Seems like she knows about the shipwreck already. But at least her dad's planning to set her up with a good looking prince from Naples.

“There’s nothing ill can dwell in such a temple:/If the ill spirit have so fair a house,/Good things will strive to dwell with ’t.” – Act I, Scene 2. Seems like she knows about the shipwreck already. But at least her dad’s planning to set her up with a good looking prince from Naples.

From: The Tempest

Pro: Well, she knows how to read and is a very nice girl who cries for the storm victims before calming down when her dad assured her that nobody was hurt. Once she’s in love with Ferdinand, she’s willing to do what she wants even if it means getting into trouble with her dad.

Con: Since she has been on the island for almost her whole life, she has no real life experience to speak of. Falls in love with the first good looking guy she meets (though this is understandable). Has no idea Prospero is using her for a pawn.

Fate: Ends up with Prince Ferdinand and goes to Naples.

 

59. Ophelia

"O, woe is me/To have seen what I have seen, see what I see!" - Act III, Scene 1. Too bad she gets worse from there. Still, she does look lovely floating in the river.

“O, woe is me/To have seen what I have seen, see what I see!” – Act III, Scene 1. Too bad she gets worse from there. Still, she does look lovely floating in the river.

From: Hamlet

Pro: She’s pretty, sweet, and gentle. She does nothing wrong to him but we’re not sure whether she loves him (probably). She tries to get along with her dad and brother. Calls out Polonius for wanting her to be chaste while saying nothing about rumors pertaining to Laertes frequenting brothels. Knows more than she seems to.

Con: Well, she’s kind of a pushover with no agency and is mostly defined by her relationships with Polonius, Laertes, and Hamlet. For one, her dad uses her to spy on Hamlet. Second, she puts up with Hamlet verbally abusing her which leads her getting crushed. Always defined by the men in her life by her sexuality (including by her dad and brother) and lets herself be treated like shit. As a result, she goes mad, sings a bawdy song about a woman who’s tricked into giving her virginity on a false marriage proposal, and drowns herself.

Fate: Found dead in a river. Said to be an “accident” most likely suicide. Some say that Gertrude had her killed because she knew too much.

 

60. Iachimo

"'Tis her breathing that/Perfumes the chamber thus." - Act II, Scene 2. I'm sure he'd get arrested these days had Imogen installed some kind of security system.

“‘Tis her breathing that/Perfumes the chamber thus.” – Act II, Scene 2. I’m sure he’d get arrested these days had Imogen installed some kind of security system.

From: Cymbeline

Pro: He’s cunning, clever, and a force to be reckoned with. At least apologizes and confesses to what he’s done in the end even though his actions get no one killed.

Con: He’s a slimy and sociopathic con artist who exploits Posthumus’s fear of Imogen cheating on him for all its worth. Also has fun being evil and making bets that ruin people’s lives. And if loses a bet, then he’ll cheat to win. For instance, he makes a bet to Posthumus that he could seduce Imogen. Except he can’t because she flat-out refuses him. So he just breaks into her bedroom, takes a peak under her nightgown, steals her bracelet, and commits an eye full of things that should be private. Back in Italy, he hands Posthumus the bracelet and provides details on Imogen’s room and her naked body. This makes Posthumus ask Pisanio to kill her (luckily he doesn’t comply and convinces her to fake her death and go after him in drag).

Fate: He gets forgiven but if it weren’t for Pisanio, he would’ve caused much more harm.