The Dark Scary World of Vintage Halloween Costumes (Fifth Edition)

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For some mysterious reason, old vintage Halloween pictures seem to be a lot creepier for some reason. Maybe it’s the black and white photography. Maybe it’s how the costumes were made. Maybe it’s their conception of scary. I don’t know. Still, when you look at them, they’re bound to freak you out and give you nightmares for weeks to come. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of nightmarish vintage Halloween costumes. Sweet dreams.

  1.  She’s all dressed in ready for the spiderweb ball.
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So is this how they dressed for Halloween during the 18th century? Or did people during the 18th century not celebrate it?

2. Now, everyone, smile for the camera.

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Man, I don’t think the guy dressed as a Native American would fly today. Also, some of the masks are quite terrifying.

3. I’m sure this witch is kind to her animals.

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Yet, I’m not exactly sure by the grin on her face. Also, that cat looks like it’s stuffed.

4. The kitchen staff can be such animals.

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Okay, I don’t want to go in there. For all I know they could be cooking some of Hannibal Lecter’s best known recipes.

5. We all have our bad hair days.

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Yet, she could use a full-on makeover. Then again, witches don’t care much about their looks, anyway.

6. Even a ghostly skeleton seeks to pick up chicks.

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I’m sure this version of Ghost doesn’t contain the iconic pottery wheel scene. In fact, I don’t think they’ll be making love to “Unchained Melody” anytime soon either.

7. You’d think this lady was batty.

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Yes, she’s in a sexy bat costume. But her dress doesn’t make much sense to me, save for fanservice.

8. Perhaps buying your costume isn’t as great as it seems.

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Yeah, the masks look kind creep thanks to black and white photography. Still, the one with the leopard print doesn’t seem to have a face.

9. Want to dress as a sexy ghost? Just put a white bag on your head.

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You could never pull this kind of costume in PA. Mainly because the weather’s under 50 degrees by this point.

10. May I present to you the 19th century version of the Village People.

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As you can see, they’re not exactly a lively bunch. In fact, they seem more likely to kill you in your sleep.

11. What a couple of babies.

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Okay, these two look too big to be babies. Yet, their masks can just scare the living shit out of you.

12. You might fly with these Peter Pan costumes.

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These are actually really terrifying. And it really says a lot since Peter Pan is an incredibly creepy movie.

13. Here you see Spiderman and Batman hang out with Colonel Sanders.

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What a way to show a good example to kids, superheroes. Of course, masked vigilantism doesn’t help either.

14. How about you hang near the car?

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That duck mask is frightening. Then again, the chicken mask may even be scarier.

15. Hope the trick-or-treaters can make themselves comfortable.

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Okay, those vintage costumes are actually scarier in color. Even in regards to Princess Aurora, Casper, and Snoopy.

16. These kids are just resting on the grass.

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These masks are incredibly terrifying. Don’t look now, but I think these kids are devising ways to kill neighbors who don’t give them candy.

17. Have fun trick-or-treating, kids.

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Apparently, someone managed to make Spiderman and the Lone Ranger scary. While the Wolf man seems kind of lame.

18. That’s an odd looking giraffe.

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Since the giraffe is made out of paper. Still, wonder how the girl can see in it.

19. Beware of the chicken boy.

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I don’t know why the kid just stick around transfixed on the chicken. When the girl should be running away screaming for her dear life.

20. These two are just walking the street on their Halloween haunt.

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The witch seems like she’s wearing Groucho Marx glasses without the mustache. But it should be the ghost that really scares us.

21. You might want to get away from the monster behind you.

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That’s Frankenstein’s monster attacking that boy. And I’m sure the boy might need another pair of pants.

22. Sorry to crash a medieval plague doctors meeting.

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Since they’re all wearing bird masks and cloaks. Still, if it was the 1300s, we’d wonder how many of them will be left next year.

23. You’d think this is an odd-looking bird.

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Well, it’s a cardboard costume. But it kind of looks eerie in black and white photography.

24. Beware of the little red devil.

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I’m sure this kid is all right. But the costume makes him seem like a little terror out of hell.

25. A mother sits with her strangely dressed children.

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Two of them are supposed to be dwarfs, I think. One’s a cowboy. And one’s the Monopoly Man. But all seem rather dead inside.

26. This woman just wears a dress, mask, and cone hat.

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Wearing that, you’d think she was on her way to a cult meeting. But she has a pumpkin on her dress.

27. These four just hang around the front door.

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But look at their masks and you don’t want them in your house. Seriously, they make Freddy Krueger look like a character on Sesame Street.

28. You wouldn’t want to run into this little clown at night.

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Wonder if this is a childhood photo of Pennywise the Clown. I mean he had to be a child somehow.

29. Here a ghost emerges from the bushes.

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Let’s hope he didn’t make it from some Klan robe. Because they were a thing back in the Gilded Age and 1920s.

30. This doesn’t seem like a fun Halloween party.

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Consists of a scary clown and two very offensive stereotypes. For God’s sake it was the early 1900s. Times were really racist.

31. Well, this seems like a strange horse race.

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Yes, you see people sharing horse costumes. One guy has very little legs like Lord Farquad.

32. Don’t hitch a ride with these masked men.

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Since they’ll take you to an undisclosed location. Then they’ll kill you and rip you to pieces.

33. Who knows what this clown will do to these two women.

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Yeah, I get that he’s wearing a tall hat. But I think after this picture was taken, the two women were never seen again.

34. The skull person is within the living room.

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Indeed, they’re not scaring anyone. But in time, they will chase teenagers with a knife once it gets dark.

35. Each trick-or-treater shall receive a large pumpkin bag.

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The devil and Raggedy Ann masks will haunt your dreams. The cat, not so much.

36. Sometimes a white mask is all you need.

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She’s even on roller skates. That means she can go after you with a knife faster. Except on the stairs.

37. Are those kids or ventriloquist dummies?

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Well, they could be kids wearing masks. Yet, they don’t really seem very lifelike to me. Something’s off here.

38. The light’s quite misty, isn’t it?

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One of the revelers reminds me of an undead muppet. Another has a rather creepy clown face.

39. Apparently, someone’s fallen into a creepy cult ritual.

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These women wear dresses with markings on them. But they must dance around two virgins before they sacrifice them to their blood hungry god.

40. A witch stands with her cat.

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She seems rather lonely. Mostly because everyone’s frightened of her. And her cat’s plush, I think.

41. These two seem like a rather odd couple.

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One wears a mask with make while looking dashing in a top hat and coat. The other wears a mask and a dress.

42. Here’s a friendly guy you’d meet in the park.

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Kind of reminds me of the guy kicked off The Muppet Show. Since he often gave kids candy from his windowless van. Or so I heard.

43. Care to see the clown in the corner?

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On second thought, I’ll pass on that one. Don’t want to be found near the river with an ax in my back.

44. Don’t you ever refuse to give these kids candy.

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Because if you do, they will kill you. Even if you honestly ran out, they will still slay you. So please have candy ready for them.

45. Sandra finds romance on Planet of the Apes.

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“Come to me, you damn dirty ape. Send me to your monkey bar sex dungeon.”

46. Don’t you dare cross this masked maid.

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Mess with her and she’ll make sure you pay with your life. And she’ll make you pay.

47. You might enjoy this jolly clown.

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Okay, this clown is terrifying. Avoid him like the plague if you value your life.

48.  You’d swear you’ve seen these trick-or-treaters from space.

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These costumes are quite frightening. Yet, the astronaut has to wear a rocket shaped mask for some reason.

49. “Come and play with us, Danny.”

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Those princess masks are guaranteed to give you nightmares. Will certainly haunt your dreams.

50. Perhaps you might enjoy a couple of sisters.

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One doesn’t pretend not to care. The other’s thinking about skinning the neighbor’s cat.

51. Make sure your stick matches your masks.

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Though each one is just as scary. And the kids in the back certainly know it.

52. Looks like the Turnip ghost caused some scares.

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The woman is freaking out. The guy is splayed on the floor. Wonder if this is some horror cosplay scene.

53. Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you can’t be Batman.

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Well, she’s an early incarnation of Batwoman. But what am I kidding? Batman wasn’t around yet.

54. Well, we’ve got a couple of lone rangers.

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Actually, one’s supposed to be Zorro. But they will strike if not given candy for trick-or-treating.

55. “Won’t you come and spoon with me?”

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Oh, hell no. For God’s sake I’m not that desperate for cuddles.

56.  “I’m just a little school girl.”

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I don’t know about you. But that’s a dude who looks like a lady to me. Possible ancestor of Steve Tyler from Aerosmith.

57. “Get off my lawn, you brats!”

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For if you don’t, he’ll run you down and cut you up in his basement. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

58. Watch out for the locker room ghosts.

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Of course, they probably didn’t have the time and resources for a full sheet. So they used pillow cases instead. One even has a black bag.

59. “I shall call him, Mini Me.”

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These two wear the same cone black hats. The smaller boy is pure evil.

60. I give you, the Elephant Man.

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Okay, that’s kind of insensitive. Joseph Merrick deserves more dignity than that. Then again, he probably doesn’t know anything about Merrick.

61. Send in the big clowns.

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On second thought, do clowns really need to be inflated. That just makes them scarier.

62. “Are you comfortable, madam?”

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This mouse seems rather hospitable to that girl. Don’t really want to what kind of relationship they have.

63. “Let’s just watch that house burn.”

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These masks are so terrifying even if they’re supposed to be dolls and clowns. And I’m sure they just set a house on fire.

64. Clown or space alien? You decide.

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Actually, she’s probably dressed like a clown. But her tall hat totally seems like it’s from another planet.

65. These two always stick together.

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Mostly because they’re dressed as co-join twins. They do a lot together, including murder.

66. “Want to join us at the farm?”

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They’re all decked in their pajamas like they’re having a slumber party. Though I’ll pass on this one.

67. This black cat lingers in the alley.

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Sure they may look scary. But the 2019 trailer to Cats just makes it look tame in comparison.

68. Hello boys and girls, it’s Beppo the clown.

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For God’s sake, kill this infernal creature with fire. Before he kills somebody or gets in a daycare center.

69. Don’t want to run into these monsters even on a good day.

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They’re just kids in Halloween costumes. But the masks are simply spooky.

70. Don’t mess with these clown ladies.

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Mock their circus act and I swear they will rain fire and terror on you. Or they’ll just kill you in your sleep.

71. Skull girl just loves hanging among the flowers.

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Hey, at least she’s not Rhoda from the Bad Seed. She wouldn’t kill anyone for trivial stuff like a penmanship award. But she will if you mess with her.

72. Why so sad, scarecrow?

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Guy looks like a sagging and depressed muppet. And with bad fashion sense.

73. This witch is awfully fond of these little girls.

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Wonder if that witch is in costume. But she shows eyes of ill intent.

74. Care for some clandestine greenhouse ritual?

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The kids seem like they’re dressed in their pajamas. The mom’s dressed as a witch.

75. Here’s a still from the new Joker movie.

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Well, that might be a little too early. But I’m sure he’ll grow up to be an unstable psychopath nonetheless.

76. Pretty short to have mustaches, don’t you think?

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One’s wearing a dress to indicate she’s clearly a girl. But these two seem like they’re silently judging you in those creepy masks.

77. “Here’s Toodles!”

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Seeing that clown hovering over that family sends shivers down my spine. Also, is he holding a gun?

78. “I just came here to pick up a few things like your soul.”

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I can understand why that girl’s screaming. Still, kind of way too young for this Faustian bargain thing. I think there should be an age of consent for that.

79. Got you 4 little devils in a row.

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They’re even all holding masks. But come midnight, they will wreak havoc on a murder spree.

80. These robots come from another galaxy.

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But mess with them, they’re bound to exterminate you. They also have great fashion sense.

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas with These Village Houses (Fifth Edition)

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One of my favorite Christmas posts during the holidays are my Christmas village posts. Mostly because they feature a bunch of glittery houses that sometimes light up in the snow. You can see them on shelves, with train sets, or on table displays. Of course, I don’t have a Christmas village in my house because I live with my parents, don’t have the money for it, and am very stingy with my cash. Because after all, Christmas village displays can be rather expensive. Yet, while there are plenty of Christmas houses available, I usually feature the putz houses mostly since they’re made from materials you might find in your house. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of delightful Christmas village houses.

  1. A Christmas house can really use a tower.
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The place also has a column porch. The red bows are the only Christmas decorations present.

2. Is tinsel a kind of snow and ice?

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Apparently, it must be. Since it hangs on the edge of the roof and the chimney. Like the tree though.

3. A small white house is always nice.

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This one has a glittery roof with a Santa and snowman. Even lights up.

4. Perhaps you might prefer a light green house.

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Almost the whole house is green here. Comes with a bottle brush tree.

5. A glittery church should always dominate the village.

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The houses are made from porcelain and are painted. The church is putz. Love the gold tree.

6. A bright red house will always stand out.

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This one has evergreen garlands on the roof. Roof is covered with snow.

7. A white house can be quite classy.

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These 2 white houses have snow on their roofs. Has trees and a wreath on top.

8. You might want to go with a more rustic design.

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These buildings have pine cone roofs. The church has a wreath on the door.

9. Pastels will bring out the winter charm.

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The church has a white roof. The houses have all kinds of colors. Also have wreaths on top.

10. Perhaps a rustic cabin may better suit you.

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Well, one of them is a rustic cabin. Both seem to have wicked icicles on them.

11. Santa would love to stop by this house.

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This one is white with green and red trimmings. Has a snowman on the lawn. Love it.

12. Village houses always belong on a tree shelf.

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These have buildings you’d buy on Amazon. But the angel on top is amazing.

13. Snow covered roofs always make spirits bright.

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Well, these are yellow and white with trees and snowmen. One has a wreath on the top window.

14. A big yellow house always makes an impression.

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This is a large Victorian. No decorations but still glitters just the same.

15. A glitter house can come with all the bells and whistles.

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This is decked in tinsel, bows, and beads. Also comes with trees and the wreath.

16. A small white cottage is always nice.

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This one has a snowy roof and gold bottle brush trees. Like the snowman near the door.

17. Care for a house with blue shutters?

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The outside’s made from construction paper. Has evergreen decor on the windows. So pretty.

18. You’d almost think this was a real neighborhood.

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The houses are in rather realistic colors. Each one has a wreath, by the way. Though the neighborhood is way out of my price range.

19. A North Pole village can be just as magical.

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This might for a display at a store. Also comes with a cute little train set.

20. Is this a house, church, or barn?

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Well, it’s red like a barn. But the windows and tower indicate church. Okay, it’s a church. Or is it a house?

21. A teal blue house can always shine with a round yellow roof.

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The roof is covered in snow. The trees a decorated with lights. The snowman stands in the lawn.

22. Santa comes out of a bright red house.

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The house is richly decorated with holly and snowflakes. The sleigh is just outside.

23. Make sure the houses are in the Christmas spirit.

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One has a simple wreath. The other has lights and images of snowmen, candy canes, and gingerbread men.

24. A small red house will always do in the cold winter.

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Sure it doesn’t have decorations. But the bottle brush trees add a nice Christmas touch.

25. Make sure to make your barn festive for the Christmas season.

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This one has garland decor on the doors and a wreath near the roof. Wonder if the owners rent this place out for weddings and parties. Because I don’t think animals live there.

26. A modern house is just as nice.

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Though I’m not sure what to think of the decorations. Though I like the trees.

27. Pastel always goes well with modern design.

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Between these modern houses, you’ll find a 1950s style diner. Love the decorated Christmas tree behind them.

28. The teal house is trimmed with tinsel.

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The top roof has tinsel. The porch roof has beads. Also contains ornament decorations.

29. This house is quite festive.

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This one has a wreath on the top window. While the other windows have holly in the flower boxes.

30. You’re in for a real white out in this village.

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Since every house is white with glitter. Like the trees that light up. So magical.

31. A village is bound to spring up on the greenest evergreens.

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Since every house is white with glitter. Like the trees that light up. So magical.

32. A plain stone house will always stand out in the snow.

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Has green window frames. Yet, someone must’ve used a snow plow to clear off the front lawn.

33. A skinny townhouse can be quite fancy.

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This one is light blue with a blue roof. A white reindeer stands in front.

34. A light red house makes the season bright.

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This one has a gray roof with a wreath. Has 2 bottle brush trees and snowman on the lawn.

35. Must’ve snowed where this green house is.

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Has a wreath near the roof along with similarly decorated bottle brush trees. White reindeer stands on the lawn.

36. Glittery Christmas houses always sparkle.

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After all, nothing’s festive during the holiday season like glitter. The golden reindeer on the lawn’s quite glittery. Love the trees.

37. You can’t go wrong with a tall pink house.

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This one has a fence with candy cane posts. While Santa rides on a reindeer.

38. A deer lingers around a pink church.

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The church also has a gold roof and bell. While a wreath hangs at the large window.

39. Poinsettias always look great on a gold house.

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Well, the poinsettias are white. Includes a Santa with golden reindeer and trees.

40. White always appears to shimmer.

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Both have wreaths near the roof. The walls are made to look like stone on the church.

41. A green house is charming with a round roof.

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Well, the windows and door are brown. But it still lights from inside.

42. A green house can charm with a pink roof.

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The roof even has 2 chimneys. Includes 2 trees with a snowman sweeping the front door.

43. Red and gold make a fine combination.

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The house and chimneys are red. The roof is gold. Has 2 decorated trees in front.

44. A red house always comes candy cane fresh.

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There are mints on the roof and above the door. While Santa lands on the lawn with his reindeer.

45. There’s a polar festivity at this house.

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Since you’ll find polar bears on the front lawn. Blue holly’s above the door with a flower.

46. A pink house is just as sweet as candy.

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Has lollipop on the roof and fence posts. Snowman’s got a cupcake. So cute.

47. There’s something angelic about this house.

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Well, there are 3 angels here with cute creatures. The trees are blue while a snowflake sits on the roof.

48. Holly always belongs on windows at a green house.

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A snowman waves on the front lawn between presents. And yet, he’s transparent.

49. A gold house is always quite fancy.

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There are beads hanging from the roof. Santa sits on the lawn with some reindeer.

50. Hark! the herald angels will sing at this blue house.

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This is a cute little nativity scene. No shepherds or wise men. But you at least got a star.

51. You might find a few presents at this green house.

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Holly decks 2 bottom windows. The presents are in shiny wrapping paper and sit near the snowman.

52. You can’t miss this bright green candy house.

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This one has green lollipop and candy cane decorations. Snowman sits with presents wrapped in green paper.

53. Nobody can resist this candy cane house.

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This one has peppermint and candy cane decorations. Snowman stands near a couple of sleds.

54. A fancy blue and silver house can use a few shiny blue snowflakes.

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Each has a jewel on them. As beaded angels hang out on the lawn with silver wings.

55. A rich forest green house is always true to the season.

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Has 2 wreaths on the roof and above the door. Snowman stands with a teddy bear holding a present.

56. A bright green house can bring in the holiday spirit.

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Peppermints deck the top windows while a bow sits on the roof. Santa and Frosty stand on the lawn.

57. A white cottage is quaint with a green roof.

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Doesn’t have much decoration. But the trees will do just fine.

58. A modern house always shines with Christmas lights.

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The roof has white fuzz dangling with the lights. While a snow-covered wreath with a snowman sits on the front window.

59. Some Christmas homes are tackier than others.

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This one has a flamingo in the front lawn. Yeah, I know you’d think it was from Florida. Except there’s snow on the ground.

60. Santa would love this yellow house.

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Has a blue roof, too. Apparently, Santa hangs out on the front lawn with bottle brush trees.

61. Can’t afford a village house? Try a camper instead.

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This one is decorated with lights and has presents outside along with a deer. The lights also really light up.

62. You can always use a visit to the toy shop.

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It’s guarded by 2 toy soldiers. The roof is decked with lights.

63. A small blue house will do the trick.

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Has a pink fence that matches the window trim. The tree is decked with beads.

64. A blue house can also be quite fancy.

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This one has snow on the roof with a wreath and decorated trees. Like the white shutters and how the contrast with the walls.

65. A blue house always glistens with jewels.

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This one’s decked with jewels. While a snowman and a sled sit outside.

66. A train might come through this village.

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This one has more pastel buildings. While the trees are made from paper instead of bottle brushes.

67. Light blue brick always makes spirits bright.

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Well, the brick is etched in. Decorated with wreaths and trees. So pretty.

68. Santa’s visiting this house right now.

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So it seems since it appears more like a decoration. Has trees around the lawns.

69. A small pink house can be quite fancy.

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This one has an old photo. Also has a nice tree along with a sign saying, “Let It Snow!”

70. A Christmas village can always use a train.

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A lot of these village sets have them. Some even work. So charming.

71. There’s some snow on this barn.

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The roof and chimney are also trimmed with gold. Wait a minute, barns have chimneys?

72. This candy cane house is a sweet delight.

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Has candy canes on the fence and peppermints on the balcony. Snowman stands near a bottle brush tree.

73. Glitter always makes a house sparkle bright.

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This house is white with silver glitter. The golden wreath matches the bottle brush trees, too.

74. A light blue house will always impress.

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This one has a wreath above the balcony. While trees stand within the front lawn.

75. A blue house can always have a quaint red roof.

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Has a wreath at the door. Looks like a family’s bringing in their Christmas tree.

76. Santa stops by at a winter blue house.

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He comes in on a motorcycle. Packages sit at the front door. Wreath hangs near the roof.

77. A small pink house is all you need.

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Has a tower with tall windows and a gray roof. Deer stands in front lawn.

78. A pink and blue house will always please.

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This one has beads on the top window. While the trees are richly decorated.

79. A blue house can always have a rather quaint disposition.

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Has a deer head near the roof with a wreath surrounding it. Bottle brush trees sit in the front lawn.

80. A green house should always have red trim.

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This one has red jewels decking the roof with wreaths over the windows. Teddy bear hangs with snowman on the lawn.

81. A red house must have green window frames.

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Snow covers the green roof. Surrounded by berry branches and trees.

82. You can have a merry Christmas in a small frame house.

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This one has tinsel on the roof with lights. Not sure whether they light up though. Probably not.

83. A fancy townhouse is an ideal winter home.

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This one has an ornate roof. Decorated by a wreath at the door and trees. Lovely.

84. Perhaps you’d like to live in a small white house.

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This one has a blue roof and window frame. Has a wreath on top with a tree on each side.

85. A red house needs few decoration.

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This one has a red roof covered with snow. 2 trees stands on the lawn.

86. A round house might suit your fancy.

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Well, this is a more modern design. Decorated with Christmas lights on the roof.

87. Come over to this fancy blue townhouse.

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This one is rather decorated. Decked with tall bottle brush trees with large baubles.

88. A fancy red house may suit your Christmas taste.

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This one has a rather fancy roof with a red poinsettia. Penguin and snowman sit in the lawn.

89. A tan house might be for more laid back sorts.

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This one has a blue roof. Dog sits near a tree and steps. Even has a balcony and chimney.

90. A nice white house should always shimmer.

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This one has a roof covered with snow. Sports a gold wreath on a top window.

91. Santa visits a small red barn.

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Or is it a red house with a green roof? Because I can see the chimney.

92. A pink cottage should always sparkle.

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This one has beads all over it. Also decked with pink trees, a deer, and a snowman near the door.

93. A quaint green house will suit you just fine.

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This one has a brown roof and fence. Deer walks into the snow on the lawn.

94. Perhaps you’d like a small purple house.

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Sure it might have a small porch. But you have to love the nearby trees.

95. A blue house will always charm with a green roof.

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Well, it’s more of a sea green roof. Surrounded by a tree and holly berries.

96. A red cottage can shimmer in the snow.

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It has gold trimmed windows and a green roof. A large Christmas tree stands beside it.

97. A green and red camper is perfect for the woods around the holidays.

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It has gold trimmed windows and a green roof. A large Christmas tree stands beside it.

98. Care to stay in a simple Swiss chalet?

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This one is just white and green with a red roof. A golden deer lurks in the back.

99. You might want to stay at a nice little pink cottage.

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It’s a small place with some simple Christmas decor. Deer hangs out on the lawn.

100. This church will give you the time of day.

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It’s even purple with 2 red roof bell towers. Though I’m not sure if the tree is appropriate in snowy climates.

Not So Great Tidings of Not Much Comfort and Joy Christmas Gift List (Fifth Edition)

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Now we get to the reason of the season. No we’re not talking about Jesus though that’s what Christmas should be about since it’s supposed to be his birthday. No, I’m talking about the reason why Christmas has become a commercialized palooza we know today. It’s because we give each other presents. And the fact we exchange gifts leads to corporate cash grabs and Christmas sales. Still, even though you’ll find plenty of gifts to shop for, there are some you must avoid at all times like cars, pets, anything on an installment plan the recipient has to pay for, ties for men, body lotion for women, and other that belong on this post. Since some of them might seem like an insult to the recipient. Or ones that seem like the giver didn’t know what to buy. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of terrible Christmas gifts. Some of these may not be safe for work. Enjoy.

  1. Feet slippers
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For when you’re dressed as a hobbit at a Lord of the Rings convention. Other than that I’m not sure what else.

2. Plant Urinal

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If you need to relieve yourself and can’t get to the bathroom in time during a drunken party. Okay, it’s actually a prank pack.

3. Renpho Body Fat Scale and App.

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Because nothing says you really need to lose a few and monitor your weight at all times like a smart scale. Perhaps the most expensive smart device your loved one will throw out a window.

4. Mats and Enzo How to Poo on a Date

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Seriously, why does a book like this exist? For God’s sake, if you need to shit, you can just use a public toilet at a restaurant.

5. Pooping Pooches 2020 Calendar

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Why go with a boring dog calendar when you can get one featuring dogs taking a shit? After all, dogs poop out in the open without shame, anyway.

6. Plush Pizza Slice

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Yes, everyone likes pizza. But most people prefer to eat with it than cuddle with it on the couch.

7. Smart Mini Drone

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Actually this might be a good gift to the recipient. But it’ll be hell on earth for the neighbors. Still, it’s available in splashy colors.

8. My Daily Cup of Employee Tears

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The kind of gift you give your boss that says “I hate you.” But in a rather subtle fashion that doesn’t get you fired.

9. Men’s Chest Hair Ugly Christmas Sweatshirt

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Has some decorations as well. If you receive this, please don’t wear it during a Christmas party. Or like ever.

10. Baby Shield

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Protects parents from their baby’s pee while changing its diaper. Unfortunately, it’s a prank pack. Sorry, new parents.

11. Cockroach Stuffed Animal

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From All Gifts Condsidered: “I know these are just stuffed animal plush pillow, but… ewwwww. A cockroach plush pillow? It’s gross to even look at the photo. Don’t do this to anyone, please. But seriously. It’s bad enough already, but if anyone has ever had to deal with a cockroach infestation, this is like snuggling with a nightmare.”

12. Disgusting Feet Flip Flops

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Okay, I get why you’d buy it as a prank. But the feet here are utterly disgusting. Seriously, why?

13. Midland Headphone Muffs

14. Fanny Bank

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It’s a piggy bank with a butt crack. Nonetheless, the British version is extremely inappropriate for children (because “fanny” means vagina over there).

15. Pinch Provisions Wristband Warrior Fest and Kit

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Because slacktivists also need their toiletries. Can also bring reminders of those good old days when we considered Lance Armstrong a great role model for children.

16. Plush Cigarette

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Since smoking that cancer death stick isn’t enough for you. Who the fuck came up with this noxious idea?

17. Jillian and Michelle Madison Dear Asshole: 101 Tear-Out Letters to the Morons Who Muck Up Your Life

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It’s the kind of gift that says, “you’re having problems controlling your anger. Calm the fuck down already.”

18. Bouncy Bands for Desks

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Got that kid who wouldn’t sit still? This will put them in their place.

19. Bacon Air Freshener

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Want your car to smell like breakfast or attract neighborhood dogs? Here’s the perfect gift for you.

20. Gold Bar Door Stop

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Unfortunately, it’s not made out of real gold. If it was, it would be way worth more than $5.

21. Blowze Tissues

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The tissues come out of the nose. Yes, it’s disgusting.

22. Mo’s Bacon Bar

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It’s a bacon chocolate bar. Please don’t tell me how it tastes like.

23. Emily Post’s Etiquette 19th Edition

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Because nothing says “you’re an asshole with bad social skills” like a book about manners. Seriously, who’d want to get one of these?

24. Mankini

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Just because your boyfriend’s a fan of Borat doesn’t mean you should get him one of these. He’ll either not wear it or embarrass you on your summer trip to the beach.

25. Beardhead

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This crocheted winter gear will make a man warm during the winter. But it’ll also make him look like an idiot.

26. Booze Perfume

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Because who wants to smell like they just walked out of a bar? Not me. Not anyone.

27. Bacon Toothpaste

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Sure your teeth will be clean. But they’ll certainly not smell like it.

28. Cat Muzzle

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For when you want to blind and perhaps suffocate your cat. Probably not approved by the ASPCA.

29. Prosecco Pong

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It’s basically beer pong for high class frat boys. Think a sexual assaulting Brett Kavanaugh during his college days showing his dong.

30. Light Up Ice Cubes

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Think of it as a rave in your water glass. Yes, I know it’s kind of crazy. Like something they’d have at a club Stefon describes.

31. Cremation Urn

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Well, it always helps to plan ahead. But is cremation urn really a great Christmas gift? Absolutely not. This is especially if the recipient is old, sick, or injured.

32. Emergency Underpants

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For the person who has irritable bowel syndrome. But I’m not sure if they’ll appreciate it one bit.

33. Peanut Butter and Jelly Purse

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For when you want to confuse your purse with your lunch. Or is it your lunch with your purse?

34. Ferret Legging Vintage Plaque

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Yes, this is a real sport. But for the love of God, please don’t try it at home. Seriously, don’t.

35. Crack Scratch String

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You mean they have floss for butts? Please you can clean your crack in the shower. In fact, I recommend you do.

36. Nicholas Cage Ornament

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Now you can put Nic Cage on your Christmas tree. Seriously, how much of Nic Cage stuff can you get?

37. Jar of Nothing

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Basically one of the worst gifts you can receive. Love the inscription though. Hilarious.

38. Leg Lamp Mug

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He who receives it will feel proud of himself to the detriment of his family. Until his wife accidentally on purpose breaks it.

39. Truth Serum

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Said to be authentic and to guarantee results. Despite that it’s actually booze and will only guarantee results if the subject drinks enough of it.

40. Bob Ross Boxers

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Quite an interesting take on the late painter and PBS TV host. The “Everybody Needs a Friend” message is quite disturbing.

41. Lobster Claws

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For when you want to hold things without using your fingers. Seriously, why?

42. Fertility Charm

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Either a parent or in-law’s way of saying they want grandkids. Or a way to cheer up a couple experiencing fertility issues. Either way, it’s kind of disturbing.

43. Mini Curbside Trash and Recycling Cans

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These are for office stuff. Pencils and scissors go in trash. Pens in recycle. Probably not something you give someone for Christmas.

44. Moose Oven Mitt

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For baking stuff while in your winter cabin. Still. you might want to go with the female version. At least it doesn’t have antlers.

45. My Side/Your Side Pillows

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For the person who wants to set the sleeping arrangements straight. Wonder if my dad would want this but my mom wouldn’t let him.

46. Nicholas Cage T-Shirt

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Yes, this shirt has Nic Cage’s face on it. Yes, it’s creepy as hell. I don’t understand the craze behind such disturbing merchandise.

47. Salami Notes

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Called, “The Gourmet Memos” these are post-its of salami slices. Even has a net you can put it in.

48. Penguin Corkscrew

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For when you’re ready for a cold one. But it’s very hard to open it. Not great for romantic candlelight dinners.

49. Personal Branding Iron

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Now you can brand your stuff with your own initials. Heat these and try them on your pets. I dare you the won’t take it well.

50. Pick Your Nose Dixie Cups

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These ones have noses on them. Yeah, I know it’s rather strange. Makes a great party and drinking game though.

51. Potty Fisher

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For when you want to practice your flies when you’re on the shitter. Of course, the fish aren’t real.

52. Putter Cup Golf Mug

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For practicing putting when you’re at the office. This makes the potty golf products seem less lame in comparison.

53. Scooter Suitcase

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For the scooter traveler. Though I don’t know anyone who travels by scooter since it’s not a very reliable mode of long distance transportation.

54. Liquid Ass Fart Prank

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Because nothing says friendship like a smelly, embarrassing prank. Though you’re more likely to use it on your enemies.

55. Money Tree

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It’s supposed to bring you good fortune. But I don’t think it does shit.

56. Men’s Christmas Custom Face on Boxer Shorts

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Now you can put your lady love on your Christmas boxers. Not sure if the lady love should be flattered or confused.

57. Personalize Pillow

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Now you can have your own picture on a pillow. Seems like the only thing that a narcissist like Donald Trump would love and not be creeped out by it.

58. Crapping Cats 2020 Calendar

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Yes, that’s a calendar of cats crapping. This one’s not even going in the litter box.

59. Ball Buffer

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For men need to take care of their, um naughty bits. Still, guys, if your girlfriend gives you these, you might need to wash them.

60. Do-It-Yourself Vascetomy

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Actually this is a prank pack, So relax, guys. Still, the guy’s expression on this box is priceless.

61. Parking Cards

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Well, this might actually be a great gift for the recipient. But bad for everyone who has to put up with it. Still, it’s pretty funny.

62. Bad Boss Voodoo Doll

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A great way to relieve stress if you have a bad boss. Best recommended for anyone who works for Donald Trump.

63. Donald Trump Toilet Set

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How else will you make your ass and toilet clean again? Great for your Trump supporting Uncle. Or not. You’ll never know.

64. Public Toilet Survival Kit

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Great for the germaphobe in your life. Okay, this is a prank pack but could you imagine Adrian Monk getting one of these?

65. Remote Control Wine Nanny

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Recommended for the alcoholic in your life. And yes, this is a prank pack. The wine looks like an IV stand.

66. Donald Trump Pencil Sharpener

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Notice how you put the pencil up his ass. Though Republican congressmen put their heads inside voluntarily and out of personal self-interest.

67. Pet Swing

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Why should kids have all the fun at the playground? Comes with harness. Okay, this is just a prank.

68. My First Fire

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Because why should little kids be banned from playing with matches? Actually this is a prank pack. But imagine the parents’ faces when their kid gets this thing.

69. American Association of Patriots How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety

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What the fuck is this shit? Seriously, do we really need to talk to our pets about gun safety? Would it be worth it?

70. Needa Hardon 5,000 Dick Pics

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Uh, one dick pic is one too many. Now imagine 5,000 times that. Yeah, you get the picture.

71. Manscaped Perfect Package 2.0 Male Hygiene Kit

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Yes, this is a male hygiene kit for his nether regions. It’s basically the men’s equivalent to receiving body wash and lotion for Christmas.

72. Toilet Tunes Speaker and Sanitizer

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Not only cleans your toilet, but also plays music while you go No. 1 or No. 2. Okay, this is a prank pack. But you’d wish this was real.

73. Hay in the Needle Stack Family Board Game

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For what’s more fun than picking up a pack of needles to get some straw? Of course, this is a prank. They’d never make a board game like this in real life.

74. Starburst Wine Trivet

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For the person you know likes to cook but might have drinking problem. But with enough corks, the trivet makes a handy hot pad.

75. Shitty Gift Box

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Has a few things relating to shit. Most of them seem like hot sauce bottles. Not sure why.

76. Paw Socks

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They’re socks resembling dog paws. Great for the person who’s way too into their dog.

77. Money Soap

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It’s soap with money inside it. Yet, there’s only a dollar so it doesn’t seem worth it.

78. Brown Turd Present

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Of course, the turd’s not real. Yet, makes a great gag gift for friends. Or a form of revenge for enemies.

79. WTF Note Pad

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A form on what went on and what you need. Great for the person who seems to screw up everything.

80. Architech Electronic Smart House

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Kids can build this house and power it up. Still, not sure if it’s necessarily safe for kids to experiment with electricity. $50

81. How to Be a Good Coworker When All You Want to Do is Smash Everyone in the Face: Lined Notebook and Journal

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The kind of gift you give to someone at work who’s got some anger issues. Great for office secret Santa.

82. Home Branding Kit

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Now you can put your personal brand on everything. Okay, this is a prank pack box. So you have nothing to worry about.

83. Paperweight Decision Maker

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For the indecisive person who just can’t make up their minds. So you get them something like this to help them along.

84. Customized Socks

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They’re socks with your pictures on them. Why would anyone do this, I have no idea.

85. Belly Fanny Pack

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From Love to Know: “If your friends or relatives are into the fanny pack look, this can be a nice gift to give. However, you want to make sure that you choose the right kind of fanny pack. Not too many people on your friends list can truly appreciate the belly fanny pack, which retails for about $13. If you are thinking about buying this, just don’t.”

86. Shave and Play Barbie

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She’s a cross between a Barbie and a Sasquatch. And you get to shave all her body hair off from mouth to legs.

87. Turbospoke Bicycle Exhaust System

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Makes a great gift for the motorcycle enthusiast who can’t afford one. So you give them this to compensate.

88. Dog Butt Magnet Set

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From Dodoburd: “This magnet set features an assortment of dog butts, including a fire hydrant so you complete the theme. This would be a funny gift for dog lovers, because you have to take the good with the bad when you love something. Whoever gets stuck with this might say they got the tail end of the deal.”

89. Bread Loaf Slippers

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After all nothing feels softer than bread. Except they’re not actually made from bread. Or made in France.

90. Go Girl Female Urinal Device

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Now I and my fellow women can pee standing up with this funnel thing. Then again, it might not be as practical for indoors as outdoors.

91. Steak, Pizza, and Baguette Cushions

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For when you want to make your living room more like your kitchen. Nonetheless, despite how tasty they look, you can’t eat these.

92. Naughty Knot Lingerie

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It’s lingerie with a thick ribbon bow as a bra. But the underwear is just a few strings attached. And doesn’t look comfortable.

93. Hairy One Piece Swimsuit

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Yes, it’s a women’s one piece of a man’s hairy chest. Try to explain that one to children.

94. Hobbit Slippers

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From Worst Gifts: “But really, what happens when the adventure calls? It happens when you least expect it! So it’s a good thing you’re burning dozens of calories with all this typing you’re doing! If you are looking to feel a little more comfortable on the adventure trail, you need a pair of Hobbit size slippers. They’re not ugly, I mean…. , in any case they’re comfortable. Oh, yes, so comfortable. You will want to stay in your underground home all day and will never venture to steal a dragon’s loot.”

95. Nose Shower Gel Dispenser

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Fill this with green shower gel and you can use the mucus to clean yourself. Ugh, did that come out really gross?

96. Ruth Rehtse The Art of Farting

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Learn how to break wind with this handy guide. But keep your ass far away from the candles.

97. MemeWorks Smug Pepe Frog Pin

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Let’s just say, though Pepe’s a relatively harmless character, he’s become associated with the Alt-Right in recent years. So getting anything with his face on it isn’t a good idea.

98. Assured at Home Marijuana Drug Test

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For the stoner who might’ve smoked too many. Or someone who wants to know whether their dazed loved ones are stoned out of their minds.

99. Wolo 400 Airmite Power Air Horn

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Want to make a grand entrance in traffic? This is for you. Makes a great gift for some asshole drivers who like to announce their presence in a big way. But it’s hell for everyone else.

100. Witty Yetis Dehydrated Water 16 oz. Can

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So how does this work exactly? Because dehydrated water simply can’t exist. Seriously, what the hell is this? A joke?

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Sixth Edition)

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Of course, no one can celebrate Christmas without Christmas cards. After all, it’s probably one of the only holiday greeting cards people still send to each other. Many of them would contain generic images like the bell one above. But they mostly consist of Christmas trees, snowmen, nativity scenes, wreaths, and what not. Many may hold nostalgia for these vintage cards which can be beautifully painted. However, alongside the lovely vintage cards, there are some that don’t seem to make any sense, especially if they come from the Victorian era. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas cards from decades past.

  1.  Santa going down the chimney is always a special treat.
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Here Santa asks himself, “Why do I have to go down chimneys when it’s more convenient to go through the front door instead? That would at least save me from all the aches and soot all over me.”

2. Santa fills his sack.

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Yet, even though his sack is already full, it won’t be enough. Mostly because he has to deliver presents to millions of kids in one night. And he knows it.

3. Celebrating Christmas alone is always dismal.

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Hey, the guy didn’t spend Christmas at a Waffle House. Now that’s really depressing, especially if you have to work there.

4. “Here’s Santa.”

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Well, you can’t expect Santa to wear his iconic red suit every Christmas Eve. This is especially if he suffers a wardrobe malfunction while trying it on.

5. Read the tea leaves for a joyous Christmas.

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What the hell do tea leaves have to do with Christmas? Any hint here? Seriously, why?

6. Even garden gnomes enjoy building giant snowmen.

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Just look at one of them slide down. Also, is it really snowing?

7. Watch where you ride your bike this Christmas.

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Cause you could ride off the edge and end up in the water. So don’t read and drive.

8. No one could resist kids and animals, especially on Christmas.

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Here a little girl hangs some green stuff over her dog. The dog isn’t pleased in the very least.

9. Winter time is always the right time for a sled ride.

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Guy’s probably thinking, “Why did I have to do this? Couldn’t Mabel and I just spend a peaceful afternoon playing backgammon near the fire? I hope we don’t die.”

10. All she wants for Christmas is cash.

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Here she’s got bags of it. Must have very wealthy parents. So she won’t have a problem snagging a husband. Even if he’s below her standing.

11. Krampus seeks all the bad kids during the holiday season.

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Yes, he uses a global tracking system to locate them. Hear Donald Trump’s kids are on the top of his list.

12. Krampus abducts the bad kids.

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Girl’s like, “Thank you for kidnapping my brother, Krampus. He’s a complete piece of shit.”

13. Don’t forget to hang your stockings close to the fire.

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Though I think that might be too close if you know what I mean. Also, the kids look rather creepy if you ask me.

14. Krampus often appears alongside St. Nick this holiday season.

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St. Nick gives toys to the good girls and boys. Krampus gives bad kids what they deserve. Yet, both figures act like they’re like seeing kids at the mall for photo ops here.

15. Santa wishes you a Merry Christmas.

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Okay, that’s a creepy Santa. Not sure if I want to receive toys by that terrifying old man who seems more out for blood than wanting to spread joy and cheer.

16. Don’t be an ass this holiday season.

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What the hell do donkeys have to do with Christmas? I know they’re in nativity scenes but still.

17. May you all have a happy Christmas.

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Unfortunately, these kids don’t seem to be celebrating with joy and cheer. Then again, there was plenty to be blase about in the 1800s.

18. Merry Christmas from the child abducting Snow Queen.

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Kind of reminds me the white witch meeting Edmund. But without the hard drug of Turkish delight, which is crack in Narnia.

19. Everyone knows the little drummer boy. But what of the little shepherd boy?

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He kind of feels left out in the whole nativity story. Still, the big eyes are kind of creepy. No hard feelings, Margaret Keane.

20. Merry Christmas from the clown and turkey pageant.

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The turkey reminds me of Doc Brown from Back to the Future. While clown just plain gives me the creeps for some reason.

21. Even cats enjoy the occasional sleigh ride.

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Let’s hope nothing upsets whatever’s in the bag. And I hope the lantern doesn’t set anything on fire.

22. Share a toast for the holidays.

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And yet, this card features children boozing it up. What the fuck? Seriously, these kids seem like they’re a bunch of alcoholics.

23. Here the children watch for Santa by the fireplace.

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That kid on the chair reminds me of a weird-looking kid from a Saint Vincent de Paul statue at my college. And yes, the girl’s features are way out of proportion.

24. No one can resist a couple of cats on Christmas.

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One cat’s like, “How about you wear this white skirt?” While the white cat’s like, “Hell, no, I’ll wear the red one instead.”

25. Kid clown wishes you a merry Christmas.

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Okay, why is the kid in a clown costume around Christmas? Seriously, Halloween was like over a month ago.

26. When Christmas dinner’s done, it’s time to dance.

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And yet, they’re all dressed up in costumes, confused by what holiday this is supposed to be. One’s even dressed as a wizard.

27. Goat wishes you a happy Christmas.

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Just what do goats have to do with Christmas? Seriously, I have no idea. Can someone elaborate for me?

28. Nothing says Christmas like a vegetable beating.

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Man, can’t believe the early years of Veggie Tales featured such graphic violence. While the carrot’s like, “What the hell are you doing?”

29. On Christmas, some kids get all the presents.

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And this kid seems really happy with al the stuff they have. And if you attempt to play with any of their shit, they will kill you.

30. Krampus always has to put the kids in the basket.

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Krampus is like “Stop crying, I don’t have all night here.” While the girl’s just smiling and sitting pretty.

31. Here Krampus flies on his broom of brats.

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Though most of these kids seem under the age of 3. Far too young and innocent to be considered either bad or good.

32. “I’ve come to collect.”

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The kids are like, “Oh, no, please don’t take us. We’ll be good. We swear.”

33. Krampus doesn’t care about pulling a girl’s hair out.

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He’s like, “You don’t want me to yank your hair out, do you. Now get in the basket.”

34. Santa looks at his Christmas orders.

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Here he’s thinking, “Oh, great, Elsa doll again. Can’t these girls ask for anything else like a dollhouse?”

35. Krampus always enjoys his work.

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Indeed, he’s got a sadistic streak. So these kids are in for a world of pain.

36. Why would Santa need a sleigh if he can just fade into the background?

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After all, he’s wearing a red suit that goes with the wall. And he’s about to teleport to the next house.

37. Grasshopper and moth wish you a merry Christmas.

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Well, the grasshopper’s supposed to be the fairy queen’s messenger. Whatever that’s supposed to be. Seriously, what was this designer smoking?

38. “Who thought getting a flamingo to Santa was a good idea?”

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Yeah, if you’re a small garden gnome, that’s no a good idea at all. This is especially during the holiday season, especially in Florida after a freak snowstorm.

39. This boy just wants to make it easier for Santa.

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Seriously, Santa should take advantage of the convenience. The boy’s making him an offer he can’t refuse.

40. “There you are Krampus.”

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For when you’re adult, you can pull a Krampus like a rabbit out of a hat. So he can’t scare you anymore.

41. Dogs wish you a happy Christmas.

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Though the puppy looks a bit evil looking. Like it plans on chewing on your new clothes just for the hell of it. Or peeing on your new carpet.

42. Merry Christmas from an attack dog and the donkey that steals your laundry.

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Why would anyone hang their clothes on the line in winter? Seriously, that’s the worst time of year to do so.

43. Compliments of the season from the bugs with a basket.

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I’m sure whatever’s in the basket isn’t having a good time. Since the bugs intend to feast soon enough.

44. What’s faster the snail or the cockroach?

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The cockroach and butterfly of course. Snails are incredibly slow creatures. Also, why is this a Christmas card?

45. Merry Christmas. Now watch these pigs and gnomes riding bikes.

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Who the hell rides bikes during the winter? Seriously, this is messed up on so many levels.

46. “May Christmas render your heart and home full of happiness.”

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Featuring a gnome who kind of resembles Santa. But he’s small and near some ivy. Not sure why it’s there.

47. If Krampus comes, helps if you come prepared.

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Girl’s got her whip in case he comes behind her. She’s not going to risk getting kidnapped. Or at least without a fight.

48. Loving Christmas greetings from a rickshaw.

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And it has to be the girl who has to do the pulling. Kind of sexist if you ask me.

49. Christmas time is one of cheer.

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Yet, the chick’s not feeling it for this band. Also, shouldn’t this be an Easter card instead? Seriously, why use Christmas?

50. Fish always dig into the soup.

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Okay, wonder how they use their fins to hold eating utensils. Seriously, you’d think this was straight out of Spongebob Squarepants.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Sixth Edition)

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Of course, we can’t have Christmas without all that annoying Christmas music you want to shut yourself away from and can’t avoid. Seriously, even before Thanksgiving, you find it everywhere. But after Thanksgiving, Christmas music is turned up to overdrive. And yes, it’s annoying and will make your ears bleed if you’ve ever had to work in retail. Still, you don’t have to be the artists who recorded them. Since they have to do these while on their summer vacations. Anyway, while some of these covers may be stunning like this Beatles one above, a lot of these aren’t that memorable. In fact, some of them are kind of tacky and in poor taste. Others haven’t aged well and can be rather unintentionally funny. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage Christmas album covers. Enjoy.

  1. Les Menestrels: Tetes Decembrees de Noel
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Why is that one head smiling? The woman’s like she’s ready to mount them on her wall with her hunting trophies.

For nothing says Christmas like a blond woman holding 2 disembodied heads.

2. Toby Keith: Classic Christmas

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Yet, I have no idea why he’s wearing a Santa hat over his cowboy hat. I mean make up your mind already. Also, it’s clearly photoshopped.

Celebrate the season country style.

3. Shelley Duvall: Merry Christmas

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Though I’d rather have them clean my house. Also, are those reindeer or horses?

Featuring cartoon woodland creatures.

4. Dynamite: Dynamite’s Soul Christmas

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Give him some Jack Daniels whiskey and sandwiches instead. Maybe a few bottles of the former.

Sorry, kids, but Santa’s through milk and cookies this year.

5. 98°: This Christmas

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Yet, they must use really good bleach because their outfits stand out more than anything else. Also, clearly photoshopped.

These guys must be dreaming of a white Christmas.

6. Vincent Lopez: Christmas Music

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Santa sits back on a plastic chair like he’s drunk off his ass. Also, that chair can’t be very comfortable.

Cause even Santa needs a break now and then.

7. Soulful Dynamics: Dying Snowman

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Sure, it would’ve been a decent cover if it wasn’t for the title. Also, the snowman’s face just says it all.

When you want to spice up the holiday season with some existential dread.

8. Los Tremendos Sepultureros; El Nino del Tambor

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Seriously, why do they have a woman in a sleazy Santa outfit? Now the guys are really anticipating their Christmas lap dance.

For the guy who wants to hold his bachelor party during the holidays.

9. Xmas a Go Go

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Seriously, these guys seem like they’re just doing the album for the money. And that they’d rather be somewhere else like on vacation.

For the J and K pop band who needs a few extra bucks.

10. The Joy Strings: Christmas with the Joy Strings

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Also, what the hell is that black girl doing here? Does she have a black parent taking the picture? Was she adopted? Or is she there just to bring some mandatory diversity among the kids? Seriously, her appearance needs some context.

Brought to you by one of the guys from Goodfellas.

11. Freunde: Wir Warten Auf Weihnachten

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This guy doesn’t seem to like being Santa. Maybe he should throw a toy at the kids. Can start with that plush bunny.

When you have to work as a mall Santa around kids with no consideration for your personal space.

12. Edna Gallix: Petit Papa Disco Hit Noel

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What the hell is that woman wearing? The cape over the sleeveless outfit doesn’t make much sense to me.

When St. Nick likes what he sees.

13. Cabbage Patch Kids: A Cabbage Patch Christmas

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Yes, these dolls were very popular during the 1980s and 1990s. And no, I have no idea why they’re in the winter cold only wearing sweaters.

Apparently, these dolls can sing.

14. Crazy Frog: “Jingle Bells/Last Christmas”

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I mean frogs wouldn’t be out during the winter since they’re cold blooded. And they wouldn’t be rolling snowballs without a coat on either.

Well, this frog is sure damn crazy.

15. Diommy Kito: Xmas Memories

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After all, these guys have devil ears and pitchforks. While the woman between them doesn’t have much on.

You can tell something went naughty at this party.

16. Paul Kuhn and his Orchestra: Christmas Polka

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He seems to have a lot of cans of it, too. Wonder if he’s planning to enter an eating contest.

When you just have to help yourself to some yuletide sausage.

17. Filobin: Filobin Chante Noel

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Kind of reminds me of Pennywise’s accountant. And ladies, please, don’t take his rose or he will kill you. Mark my words.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you a singing Christmas clown.

18. Ferrante and Teicher: Xmas Hi Fivories

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Though I’m not sure if they know what they’re doing. Also, what’s in that one reindeer’s bucket? It better not be water.

Reindeer repairing pianos standing by.

19. Lula: Natal Alegre

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You can see how Santa eyes the woman with a pervy stare. I’m sure Mrs. Claus won’t be happy about this.

Apparently, Santa digs chicks with pink hair.

20. King Diamond: No Presents for Christmas

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And apparently, the reindeer doesn’t seem to appreciate it. Least of all posing with a guy from a KISS cover band.

Don’t forget to decorate your reindeer this Christmas.

21. Lady Gaga: A Very Gaga Holiday

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Since the text seems to run into her picture. For God’s sake, you can barely see the title.

Sometimes the font seemed like a good idea at the time.

22. Lynn Anderson: The Christmas Album

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Yeah, her face just seems like she’s smiling but has feelings of anxiety and annoyance inside. And she’s getting impatient.

When you pose for an album that you do because you’re under contract.

23. Mambo Santa Mambo: Christmas from the Latin Lounge

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Yet, the dancers are shown in yellow light with some dark shadows. While the woman’s dress opens quite high on her thigh.

Christmas time is always great for a mambo.

24. The Roller Disco Orchestra: Non-Stop Christmas Disco

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And yes, some guys are dancing to it. Still, I don’t get the Christmas disco craze. Seriously, why?

For when your Christmas can’t get more 1970s.

25. Rod Stewart: Merry Christmas, Baby

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Still, the album image and title might appeal to Boomers, I don’t consider Rod Stewart as sexy at any rate. For God’s sake he sounds like he has throat cancer.

For when you record a Christmas album to prove you still got it.

26. Rolf Harris: Rolf Harris Sings Mary’s Boy Child

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Sure dad and child look at the nativity lamp. But I’m sure if I’d trust the guy with that kid. Kind of seems creepy.

Of course, you can’t forget the reason for the season.

27. Connie Canuso: Connie Canuso Sings “Someone Painted Rudolph’s Nose a Chocolate Brown”

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Girl seems freaked out by the fact. Still, that reindeer in this cover looks incredibly terrifying for some reason.

So does make Rudolph having to function as a normal reindeer?

28. Natal Jovem: Boas Festas

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Well, they’re bodies and heads seem quite close together that it’s freakish. Also, their eyes are rather funny.

Brought to you by a freaks 3 headed Santa.

29. Shonen Knife: A Shonen Knife Christmas Record for You

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Yes, there’s a group called Shonen Knife. There are even lyrics for “Space Christmas,” which I really don’t want to listen to.

Dress styles inspired by Mondrian.

30. Jularbo: Jul med Jularbo

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One of the accordion players is alleged to be the father of Weird Al Yankovic. But as of now, that theory is inconclusive. Still, one accordion is enough, okay?

Introducing 3 Santas playing polka.

31. James Brown: James Brown’s Funky Christmas

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For an artist as legendary as James Brown, you’d think he’d have the best album cover designer. This seems more straight out of some software printshop program from the 2000s.

Cover by dated graphics program.

32. Larry the Cable Guy: Christmastime in Larryland

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And he’s wearing a Santa hat over a camo hat. Still, the smiling disembodied head just freaks me out.

Featuring Larry’s disembodied head.

33. Lawrence Welk: “Jingle Bells”

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After all, the parents are in their pajamas and giving the ornaments a shine. And I thought I had a problem with procrastination.

Apparently, this family was quite late decorating their Christmas tree.

34. Merle Haggard: Merle Haggard’s Christmas Present

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One daughter has a wide collar on her red dress. One seems dressed like Waldo in coveralls. While a boy’s got stripes on a real tacky brown shirt.

Here with his guitar and embarrassed that he’s one of the only member of his family normally dressed.

35. Ames Brothers: The Sounds of Christmas Harmony

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The dad’s touching the boy’s shoulder and I’m not sure whether it’s appropriate. Probably is. Also, I don’t think the mom should hold the candle that way.

The family that sings carols together stays together.

36. Los Diplmaticos: Navidades

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Actually, people would rather you not. Since they’d rather get drunk, eat, socialize, or open presents. Mostly the last one.

I’m sure everyone wants to hear your sax solo at the Christmas party.

37. Gary Glitter: Another Rock and Roll Christmas

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I’m sure that’s just a coincidence. Still, the outfit and hair are so 1970s. Also, he got involved in a sexual misconduct charge involving minors.

Is it just me or does he remind me of Dewey Cox from Walk Hard?

38. Celine Dion: Chantes et contes de Noel

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Yet, you’d almost think the kids surrounding her are ready to crush her. Wonder if she can get out of there in one piece.

Guess this was for a French Candian audience.

39. Heinjte: Weihnachten mit Heinjte

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Though the cover’s clearly photoshopped. Also, his eyes kind of reveal that he doesn’t want to be there.

Apparently, one’s never too young to celebrate Christmas solo.

40. Tino Rossi: “C’est la Belle Nuit de Noel.”

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Well, some kid took his beard. Still, doesn’t seem too fazed over it. Maybe French kids think about Santa differently. But the teddy bear thinks otherwise.

“Hey, you’re not Santa.”

41. Baldo: Petit Pepe Noel

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Yet, there’s one guy who seems rather excited by the upcoming Christmas bar drinking. The other guys play it cool.

“Christmas beer for everyone.”

42. Jimmy Jules and the Nuclear Soul System: Christmas Done Got Funky

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Not sure if that’s a good idea. This is especially if the only white guy bears a slight resemblance to Steve Buscemi.

Apparently, they decided to go shirtless for the cover.

43. The Lundstroms: Colorado Christmas

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Since all the women and girls in this obviously have their hair styled in some unnatural way. Kind of reminds me of pictures you’d see on Awkward Family Photos.

Brought to you by copious amounts of hairspray.

44. Jimmy Sturr and His Orchestra: “Polka Christmas” in My Home Town

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He also wears a black shirt with a pink sweater. And he doesn’t care the least. Nor does he mind the godawful upholstery.

Here Jimmy spends Christmas all by himself being the true loner he is.

45. La Tuna Estudiantina de Cayey

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The lollipops look like they’re eaten. While the snowmen have no personality.

Featuring candy snowmen and candy canes.

46. Merry Christmas

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The red background doesn’t do any wonders for them. Also what are those ball gift things?

When you want to look cool for the holidays but fail.

47. We Wish You a Merry Christmas

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Apparently some are wearing leis. Did they do this photo op while on a Hawaii vacation? Or did some wear whatever they had on at the time?

Featuring all the artists who were under Warner Brothers contracts.

48. Three Suns: Christmas Party

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Even the illustrated bird is like, “what the hell, man.” Yeah, it’s quite strange looking isn’t it?

And one that seems to go with formal attire in ornaments.

49. Alvin Styczynski: Alvin’s Christmas Album

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You know the guy who thinks he’s such a great musician but will never leave. Because the music industry is a cutthroat business that only values looks.

Featuring music by that guy you know in accounting.

50. Jim Jones & Skull Gane: A Tribute to Bad Santa

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One guy sits on a throne with Jack Daniels and a cigar. While the other guys are behind sacks. Or are they in them?

You mean the forgettable film starring Billy Bob Thornton?

Deck the Halls with These Christmas Craft Projects (Fifth Edition)

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Of course, we can’t celebrate Christmas without some decorations. Though stores had them inside in October, once Halloween’s come and gone, you’ll find more of them than you’d see for Thanksgiving. At least in the US. Since other countries don’t necessarily celebrate Thanksgiving. Anyway, while some might prefer shopping for Christmas decorations, others might want to make their own. But unlike the treats which will go bad if you don’t eat them within a short period of time, you can stash these craft projects in your attic once the yuletide season’s done and take them out again and again in subsequent years. So for your reading pleasure this holiday season, I give you another assortment of delightful Christmas craft projects. Enjoy.

  1. Hope you’ll be cool enough for this ice skate bouquet.
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Has evergreen branches and white flowers inside. Makes a great centerpiece.

2. For a more retro-looking Christmas, this is the wreath for you.

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It’s a bauble wreath with of shiny ornaments of great variety. And all in bright colors.

3. Perhaps you’d want some stuff ornaments.

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These are made of felt and consists of Christmas trees and stockings. The stockings have hearts while the trees sport some colorful ornaments.

4. Protect your hands with this Santa pot holder.

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It’s crocheted, too, by the way. Even has a pom pom for his hat.

5. Bet you’ve never seen twisty ornaments like these.

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They’re supposed to resemble vintage ones. Consists of beads, string, ribbons, and whatever that cylinder thing is.

6. You might want to consult this snowman on giving you the time of day.

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Though I’m not sure if the clock actually works. But I like the jewel on his hat.

7. You can hold anything in these reindeer flower pots.

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Each is painted with reindeer attributes. Though their antlers are made from cardboard and sport jingles.

8. Greet holiday visitors with these wooden reindeer.

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Each have twig antlers and a large jingle around their neck. Come in male and female.

9. Don’t like wreaths? Try a wooden snowflake.

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You can hang it outside or indoors. Makes a perfect cabin decoration.

10. Grace your holiday home with some crocheted Christmas trees.

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Can come in a variety of colors and patterns with ribbons on top. Some even have beads.

11. Got dead bulbs? Put them in glitter.

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Some of these have snowflakes on them. Perfect for any winter wonderland. So pretty.

12. Perhaps you might want to wrap string around some Christmas trees.

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Actually these are from a special kind of string. Still, love the intricate Christmas star toppers.

13. There’s something minty about this wreath.

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Well, these are red and white mints, not candy canes. Also topped with a light green bow.

14. Impress your guests with these tiny trees at Christmas dinner.

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It’s made out of small tree slice and a tree twig. Star has guest’s name.

15. These are rather strange gingerbread houses.

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Since they’re made out of painted flower pots. Love the candy and colors on them.

16. With white yarn, you can build a snowman.

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Just make sure to give him a wire hat and arms. Also, string to help him retain shape.

17. Stun your holiday guests with this candy cane button tree.

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Sure it might not smell of peppermint. But you have to love the bow on top. So pretty.

18. Enhance your tree with these plaid ornaments.

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These are in a black and red pattern. Also contain snowflakes for a wintry effect.

19. A shiny button tree will make your spirits bright.

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Has shiny beads on it, too. Love the beautiful pink star on top.

20. Green hair is always in with the Christmas season.

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It’s one of those doll ornaments. She also carries a large bauble that could easily be her purse.

21. This amigurumi snow family will melt your heart.

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Consists of a mom, dad, and a baby. However, unlike real snowmen, you can keep them inside.

22. A rustic Christmas tree can always use a burlap snowflake.

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Even has some wooden red beads in the middle. Held up by a thin red ribbon.

23. You’ll be hooting for this owl ornament.

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It’s made out of a pinecone. Love it’s fluffy eyes. So adorable.

24. You can’t do without a bauble that has flowers and jewels.

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I guess the flowers were painted on. While the jewels were added later.

25. A pink ornament can always use some pearls and roses.

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Also includes lace and a pink ribbon. It’s supposed to look a bit old-fashioned. So pretty.

26. A glittery reindeer can use a few touches.

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This reindeer wears a light blue bow with a flower and pearls. And she’s looking fabulous.

27. Maybe you’d like a little yarn Santa.

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Though this one wears a rather brownish hat. Still, so cute.

28. You’ll adore this jingling angel.

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This one’s made out of folded cloth and jingles. Perfect as a Christmas ornament.

29. A crocheted gingerbread belongs on any Christmas tree.

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This one has a smiling face. And it poses no risks of being in an oven.

30. Dress for your Christmas party with these dainty Christmas tree earrings.

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These are made out of beads. But will certainly go with that ugly sweater of yours.

31. Deck the halls with this burlap garland.

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Yes, red and green burlap does exist. Just go to a local craft store. Also, lights up.

32. A bauble tree like this is perfect for any winter wonderland.

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This one has silver and blue baubles with silver beads. Perfect for any holiday mantle.

33. Everyone will love these stuffed heart ornaments.

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Yes, they’re made out of felt. But each one has a unique stich pattern.

34. Get a load of these stockings.

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Each of these is red and white. One has jingles on its edge. The others have pearls.

35. A large bauble garland is perfect for any fireplace.

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You’d almost think this house is in Whoville. Festive but kind of excessive, don’t you think?

36. Little elves would love these Christmas finger puppets.

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Little elves would love these Christmas finger puppets.

37. If you need a simple decoration, just add pinecones and baubles.

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You put them in flower pots with evergreen branches. Perfect to put outside your winter cabin.

38. You’d want to hug this crocheted Rudolph.

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This is from the old 1960s Rankin and Bass cartoon they play every year during the Christmas season. Nonetheless, it basically celebrates that being different is bad unless you can prove yourself useful.

39. Ring in the holidays with these trees.

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They’re felt tree ornaments with jingles on them. Perfect for any Christmas tree.

40. How about a large jolly Santa wreath?

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Seems to have rather skinny legs. Still, it’s kind of adorable.

41. Get in the Christmas spirit in a sparkly white dress.

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She’s one of those doll ornaments. And yes, she carries a glittery star.

42. Felt lights can always brighten holiday spirits.

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And they come in so many different colors. Feel free to put on as many as you want.

43. Nothing can be sweeter than these gingerbread house ornaments.

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Yes, they’re made of felt and come with trees. And yes, they come in many variations.

44. Everyone can enjoy a dress of gold.

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This doll ornament sports a large gold bauble. Perfect to hang on any tree.

45. A winter wonderland can use a wreath of snowflakes.

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These might be made from cardboard or wood. Perfect for a winter themed home.

46. A red holiday dress will make spirits bright.

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She has red pom poms on her head and carries a red glittery star. Her belt has a silver rose.

47. Dreaming of a white Christmas? Write it on a snow globe.

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This is a chalkboard snow globe. But we’ll have less white Christmases in the future because of climate change.

48. A beaded snowflake will always sparkle.

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This one has a lot of pearl beads. Great for hanging on the tree.

49. This is a unique Christmas tree.

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This one has rings and baubles inside. Also has a burlap bow and a silver star.

50. You’ll be frosty for this snowman apron.

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Or snow woman apron since it’s made for the fairer sex. Even has button eyes.

51. Don’t forget to gather some cinnamon sticks.

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Well, the sticks are tied up by yarn and have holly on it. Wonder how they smell.

52. Feel free to cover these trees with yarn.

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They’re topped with yellow pom poms. Great for any fireplace mantle.

53. Cat fanciers would love this ornament.

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It’s painted like a cat. Also wears a Santa hat. But keep it away from your cat.

54. For a frosty Christmas, this snowman wreath is for you.

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This one has a rather fancy hat and incredible bow. Perfect for any rustic Christmas cabin.

55. A small terra cotta tree is better than none.

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These are small flower pots stacked over each other and painted green. Decorated with beads and jewels.

56. Do you want to build a glassy snowman?

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The buttons, eyes, and nose are made from paper. Also, wears a scarf and hat.

57. Protect your hands with this crocheted Rudolph pot holder.

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This one has a large red nose. A nice addition for a fine Christmas kitchen.

58. A winter scene belongs on an ice skate.

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Contains a snowman and some pine trees on a hill. Has evergreen branches and berries inside.

59. You can’t go wrong with these Christmas tree earrings.

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These are made out of wire with beads. Not very hard to make if you have the right stuff.

60. Grace your yard with this snowman pallet.

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This one has a snowman in a blue night background. And he wears a bowtie instead of a usual top hat.

61. You’ll find some mistletoe on this crystal ornament.

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Well, the mistletoe isn’t real. And the berries are in red glitter.

62. Celebrate the reason for the season with these nativity scene panels.

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There’s only 3 of them in long strips. They consist of Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus.

63. How about a Christmas tree made out of sticks?

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This one has all kinds of ornament descending from the branches on the wall. Even lights up.

64. A Christmas star should always be made from sticks.

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These are made from thin branches from a tree and tied together. Also lights up as you can see.

65. A green ornament can always use some fringe.

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Well, this is more of a sea green. Has gold ribbons, green beads, and white roses.

66.  Silver hair goes with a silver dress.

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She carries a silver glittery star. Great for any holiday themed tree during the Christmas season.

67. Decorate your Christmas tree with some Santa flower pot ornaments.

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These have crocheted hats with holly on them. While the beards are quite curly.

68. Greet your holiday visitors with this decomesh snowman.

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I’m sure he’ll give you a rather frosty reception. Still, I like the hat. Very spiffy.

69. Perhaps you might prefer a more retro wreath.

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Consists of reindeer, baubles, toadstools, holly, and a gnome. Goes perfect with a silver Christmas tree.

70. You’ll find a few nuts with this snowflake.

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This is made out of wire and screw nuts. Can easily find these materials in a garage or a local hardware store.

71. These Santas will always charm.

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These have fringe beards and wire glasses. And yes, their button eyes check lists twice.

72. Felt trees make a nice addition to your holiday home.

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These even have red bead ornaments. While both sit on a wooden stand.

73. This snowman ornament is quite frosty.

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This one has a knitted hat and painted face on a bauble. Includes dice decor on the hat.

74. Got a white door? Build a snowman.

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This one just consists of paper pieces you can just put on. And yes, it’s quite ingenious.

75. These stockings look quite fuzzy.

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These have pom pom edging. Available in green and red as well as multiple patterns.

76. Can I interest you in a Santa tree?

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This one consists of red and silver baubles. The pot is red with a belt and buckle.

77. Nothing makes winter memorable like these flower pot snowmen.

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These are all painted with hats and straw brooms. Available in red, green, and blue.

78. A bare bauble can use a jeweled cover.

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Okay, the beads aren’t real gems. But you have to love the blue flowers on this.

79. These baubles can use some snazzy zigzags.

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These consist of stripes of glue and glitter. Still, I’m sure making them will cause a huge mess.

80. Celebrate Christ’s birth with these nativity finger puppets.

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All are made out of felt. But full display will require multiple hands.

81. These snowflake hearts won’t freeze your holiday spirit.

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They’re all made of felt with blue snowflakes on them. Perfect for a winter wonderland tree.

82. A fancy blue ornament can use a few flowers.

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This one has a few curls from the bow. Also has jewels.

83. Grace a rustic fireplace with these burlap Christmas trees.

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These are dowels wrapped with burlap in a Christmas tree shape. Includes copper stars.

84. Perhaps you might want a fancy jeweled ornament on your tree.

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This one has plenty of jewels on it. And it seems to glimmer in the light. Like the flower design.

85. A simple wooden Christmas tree will do.

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This one has hooks for tiny ornaments. While a paper red star sits on top.

86. A Christmas wreath can use a snowflake.

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Also has evergreen branches along with silver, pearly white, and red baubles and jingles. Great for any Christmas door.

87. A Christmas wreath can use a large red bow.

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Includes evergreen branches and red berries. Great for greeting visitors during the holidays.

88. Count down to Christmas with this Advent bucket calendar.

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Each bucket contains a special surprise. And it’s usually candy.

89. Greet your Christmas visitors with this basket display.

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Includes branches, berries, and ribbons. Says, “Merry Christmas” on a metal tag.

90. You’ll find a few trees with this yarn pom pom wreath.

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The trees are in several different colors in the center. Kind of reminds me of a Dr. Seuss cartoon.

91. Nothing is sweeter than this hanging of gingerbread men.