SantaCon Costumes Are Coming to Town (Fourth Edition)

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One controversial aspect of the Christmas season in the United States is SantaCon. In mid-December, revelers don yuletide costumes and gather in many cities in an annual pub crawl. The New York SantaCon has been termed, “a drunken shitshow” by Gothamist as well as received complaints by residents along with reports of public vomiting and urination. And it goes without saying that seeing a drunken Santa peeing on the street, puking in a nearby trash can, or doing a bunch of R-rated mischief to get in police custody might traumatize a young child for life. Nonetheless, we should concede that despite the havoc SantaCon may wreak in communities, there could be worse things. Just look at what happened in Charlottesville, Virginia back in August 2017. I mean while SantaCon participants might litter, vandalize, puke, and do what have you, they just want to party and have fun. Though their way of enjoyment may not be remarkably healthy, decent, or safe. While the Unite the Right guys in Charlottesville were white supremacists who inflicted violence against counter-protestors. Still, I mainly do SantaCon posts as a way to make fun of the costumes. Not as a way to endorse the event. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of SantaCon costumes.

  1. Behold, all hail the mighty Viking Claus.
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He has horns on his Santa hat. Though I’m not sure if that’s a proper Viking drink.

2. Two Santas are always better than one.

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Though one Santa wears shorts. While the other wears a skirt of tulle.

3. When you need to go on a holiday pub craw at 3 and a 49ers game at 5.

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He has a 49ers style Santa suit on. But either way, he’ll come home wasted.

4. This Santa seems a bit horse.

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Since he has a horse mask on. While he’s wearing a mere Santa shirt.

5. One of Santa’s elves has left the building.

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Though she could easily be working for a mall Santa nearby. Yet, she wears a red dress over her green tights.

6. You can’t go wrong with a corset.

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She wears a sexy Santa dress with her Santa hat. While her boots are super fuzzy.

7. She seems quite frosty today.

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Yes, this is a sexy snowman outfit. I know it’s not appropriate for snow weather in any respect. Like the fuzzy boots though.

8. Perhaps you might prefer striped tights.

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This woman wears a more modest Santa dress. Her boots are trimmed with fur and red bows.

9. You better watch out because Santa Pimp is coming to town.

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He wears a long red coat with red pants and a red hat. Oh, and he has a chain around his neck. But he’s not a nice guy since he has women debase themselves for money.

10. Have you ever met the dreaded Santabot?

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He’s a robot Santa. So his suit is part of his build. But don’t push his buttons.

11. Mrs. Claus always needs a long, sleek dress.

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She wears a white fake fur cape over her strapless dress. Also includes Santa hat.

12. Who says Santa suits can’t be sexy?

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Not sure if that’s right. Though I know it’s supposed to be a dress. But Santa isn’t meant to be sexy, at least in the conventional sense.

13. These women always know how to be in the present.

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Actually, they’re dressed as presents. While 2 of them think they’re God’s gift to men.

14. Sometimes it’s best to go all out on red and furs.

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Indeed, this is another Santa dress. But this one comes with transparent red tights and a matching frock cape.

15. You can’t have SantaCon without the Grinch and Cindy Lou Who.

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The Grinch is in his Santa suit. While Cindy Lou Who is in her trademark hair as well as dons a black dress with fur trim.

16. Even Santa occasionally prefers his comfy clothes.

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He just wears a red robe. His beard is cotton. But he’s wearing crazy glasses for some reason.

17. You can’t go wrong with a square Santa hat.

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He even wears a chain necklace saying “Ho Ho Ho.” While his hair is untidy and black.

18. A flashy Christmas tree dress will make the season bright.

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She has a top of sequins and tinsel. While her skirt has plenty of bows. As her hat is a star topper.

19. It always pays to look one’s best for SantaCon.

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Though one of them sports a rather revealing fishnet top. Not sure how that’s going to keep her warm on a cold day.

20. I suppose an elf can arrive in a poncho.

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Well, it’s more of a dress. But based on the sleeve cut, it might as well be a poncho.

21. Perhaps one might prefer a green dress of fur.

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She’s supposed to be the female version of The Ghost of Christmas Present. Though she doesn’t have a beard, obviously.

22. Mrs. Claus always has to have a fancy dress.

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Here she wears a lovely dress with green and gold decoration. Though she looks a bit young to be elderly.

23. It doesn’t take much to be merry.

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Though this seems more appropriate for a Christmas party at a strip club. Seriously, that leotard doesn’t look practical in any respect.

24. A Santa dress can always have tulle trim.

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Here these women wear belts and Santa hats. Though you can tell that their outfits are DIY.

25. I suppose she’s from the kitchen.

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Well, she wears an apron with holly on it. While her collar has a green bow.

26. Santa doesn’t always have to wear a traditional hat.

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This is a candy cane jester hat. As this Santa holds a megaphone with red snowflakes inside.

27. This lamp seems to be throwing some shade.

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Well, she’s supposed to be the leg lamp from A Christmas story. But you wouldn’t know from the coat.

28. Perhaps you might want to be sweet in this candy cane dress.

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Her dress is mostly red with a red and white striped skirt. Helps that she has green hair.

29. This Christmas season, beware of the Krampus.

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Unlike Santa, he’s known to kidnap and punish the bad boys and girls. So it’s best to keep away from him.

30. Don’t like red? Go green instead.

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She wears a green Santa dress with matching gloves. Though she might feel cold on her shoulders as well as between her skirt and stockings.

31. A Snowflake Princess is a certified winter darling.

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Though her skirt’s quite short. While she dons a snowflake crown.

32. Any girl at SantaCon would love to don this reindeer dress.

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Her dress is mostly brown. Yet, it includes antlers and fuzzy leggings.

33. Say hello to Frosty the Snowman.

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Actually, it’s a guy dressed as Frosty the Snowman. And no, he can’t melt at room temperature.

34. When Jack Frost comes to town, things get cold.

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After all, he’s a spirit known to make things freeze in the winter snow. Best you be careful when he’s around.

35. Anyone would love a girl dressed as a candy cane.

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Her outfit mostly consists of red and white stripes like a candy cane. While she wears leggings of white fake fur.

36. Some may want a Christmas get up with animal prints.

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Even has a matching Santa hat. Still, I find animal prints as unspeakably tacky.

37. Seems like Santa’s got a present.

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This Santa wears a regular red suit and fedora. While the woman next to him is a present.

38. The Virgin Mary seems rather predisposed to reindeer.

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Don’t worry, the baby Jesus is a doll. Yet, Mary sure has a fine golden halo.

39. Santas come in all shapes and sizes.

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One even has mecha gear. While another wears a helmet.

40. Indeed, fishnets might match red velvet and white fur.

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Here she is on snowy ground. Wonder why her legs don’t shiver.

41. A Santa can’t go out without a fur coat.

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These Santas wear sunglasses and bauble necklaces. Yet, they sport very different hairstyles.

42. Sometimes Santa has to wear a gas mask.

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Wonder where he’s at that he’d need one. Also, the fur fringe looks quite gray.

43. When in doubt, go with capes.

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All the capes have a wintry design. While they wear a variety of red pants.

44. SantaCon is a bit different in Hawaii.

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These people want “Universal Elfcare 4 All.” Wonder what the North Pole workplace environment is like.

45. Santa always sees you when you’re sleeping.

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He even has his own scepter. But you better be good for goodness sake.

46. Feel free to come to SantaCon in your pajamas.

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Though one dresses as a polar bear. While 2 wear Christmas suits.

47. You’d think their dresses were quite gingerly.

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Well, they’re in gingerbread dresses. But unlike gingerbread men, they wear bows.

48. Seems like these people are for the ginger cause.

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Actually you don’t need gingers to make gingerbread. Still, like the guy’s Santa suit and lights.

49. Santa and his elves mean business.

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Santa wears a collar shirt and a red sweater. While his elves don business suits.

50. Say hello to Santa’s decontamination squad.

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Since they’ve got gasmasks, goggles, and hazmat suits alongside their Christmas gear. Hell, they’re even wearing garlands of tinsel.

51. On Christmas, you have to take the green with the red.

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She wears an elf jacket over her red dress. While she has long candy cane stockings on her legs.

52. Even Santa can use a seaside vacation now and then.

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He’s donned in a Christmas themed Hawaiian shirt. Though I’m not sure what he’s looking for.

53. Candy canes should always go with Christmas trees.

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The woman wears a candy cane dress. While the guy wears Christmas tree regalia.

54. Mrs. Claus has to make a formal impression.

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Yet, this seems more like White Christmas than SantaCon. Still, it’s quite a lovely dress.

55. Never fear, Super Rudolph is here.

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So when did Rudolph get a six-pack and a spandex speedo? Seriously, this is a dumb costume on so many levels.

56. Buddy always enjoys working on his snowflakes.

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Okay, Buddy’s not really an elf. But man, his snowflakes are amazing.

57. Seems like someone has come with a Christmas tree.

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Well, it’s someone dressed up as a Christmas tree. But you wouldn’t know that unless you look at the legs.

58. This elf woman knows how to make the toys.

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She even uses power tools. Makes you wonder what kind of toys she makes.

59. Presenting…Santa Squid.

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Yes, it’s Santa in a red squid outfit. Not sure how he manages to pull that off.

60. Santa hangs out with a few of his reindeer.

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Then again, female reindeer do have antlers during the Christmas season. But these women just wear antlers and shades of beige.

61. A Christmas tree can always use some tinsel.

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Well, she has her tree décor over her green dress. As her star is made from tinsel.

62. There’s not much to this snowman dress.

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By the way, that’s Katy Perry before she got her blond pixie cut. And yes, she’s wearing stick gloves.

63. Sometimes in Santa costumes, less is more.

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She has herself laced in this dress. But it’s barely a dress.

64. Of course, the North Pole has to have a strip club.

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I don’t know if the North Pole does. But this woman certainly dresses like a stripper near Santa’s workshop.

65. These toy soldiers seem dead inside.

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Hell, the nutcracker doesn’t even look that creepy. Seriously, these women freak me out.

66. She’s bound to cause a lot of uproar in her SantaCon costume.

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Because she’s a red cup from Starbucks. So she’s known to get a lot of furor from the folks at Fox News.

67. I’m sure this dress will bring in the holidays.

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Yes, I know she’s in a scantily clad outfit. But she wears a bow and fishnet stockings.

68. Santa doesn’t seem to like what he sees at the pool.

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Apparently, Santa wears an old-timey swimsuit. And he’s just saw some guy in a speedo.

69. Santa seems to have beer goggles.

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He’s supposed to be a drunk Santa. But he looks too much like a hunk.

70. SantaCon is coming to a galaxy near you.

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I mean these guys have Imperial Stormtrooper helmets on. Don’t worry, they can’t shoot straight, anyway.

71. Some are excited for presents. Some are presents.

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Some of them are in wrapped gift boxes. Hope they can sit down once in awhile.

72. Gingerbread people always stick together.

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There we have a gingerbread man and his lady inside a joint. And yes, they’re adorable.

73. Seems like we got a couple of ornaments.

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Well, they’re wearing shiny ornament costumes. Though they look kind of deflated.

74. It’s Santa’s pit crew to the rescue.

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You can tell since they’re elves with flight goggles. Yes, that’s a female Santa.

75. You can always inflate yourself to play Santa.

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Well, he’s wearing an inflatable Santa suit. Not sure how he’ll get out of it.

76. This Santa Claus is mostly nice.

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But even he can be a bit naughty. Yet, he’s also covered in money. So he’s kind of a con man.

77. Guess it’s Darth Vader’s turn to play Santa at the Galactic Empire’s Christmas party.

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He may know who’s naughty or nice. But this Santa is squarely on the Dark Side.

78. Introducing….Camo Santa.

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Yet, I don’t think bright red makes great camouflage. Still, it’s pretty funny.

79. When it comes to reindeer costumes, it’s best to keep it simple.

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They’re dressed in black with tulle skirt. But don’t forget the antlers.

80. Is that Mrs. Claus?

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Actually that’s a guy, which you can tell by his beard. But at least he’s wearing an ugly sweater and a Santa dress.

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The Sweet Candy World of Gingerbread Architecture (Third Edition)

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Of course, when you think about gingerbread houses, two things come to mind: Christmas and Hansel and Gretel Though in the latter, the gingerbread house assumed the role of a windowless van offering free candy that you should stay the hell away from. Yet, Hansel and Gretel don’t listen and a witch almost cooks them into a pot to eat. Anyway, that’s a rather unpleasant subject. Still, despite that grisly fairy tale, gingerbread houses have been a longtime Christmas tradition. Though the image above mainly consists of a traditional design, you can find so many great gingerbread creations with the help of a Google search. During the holiday season, you’ll find many gingerbread house competitions throughout the country and the world. Though you’ll also find plenty of gingerbread renditions of landmarks and fictional settings. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of gingerbread creations. Enjoy.

  1. Perhaps you might want to stop at this cottage.
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This one has a couple of buttresses for support. Like the pretzel and chocolate wafer roof.

2. Care to come in?

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I know it’s supposed to be some kind of commercial establishment. But whether it’s a shop or a restaurant, I don’t have the slightest idea.

3. Some of you might prefer some chocolate siding.

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This one even has candy cane columns and railings. Love the trees and wreath.

4. Anyone would adore this Victorian home.

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This one is quite fancy. Like the candy cane columns and roof trim at the top.

5. Feel free to take a look into the windows.

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This is supposed to be a gingerbread music store. Since there are instruments in the window.

6. Hope this clock can tell you the time of day.

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Okay, it probably won’t. But it’ll give you an inventive show of gumdrop figures.

7. You might want to spend some time in this fairy treehouse.

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Well, the tree isn’t remarkable to look at. Yet, these fairies seem like an inviting bunch.

8. Nothing says Paris like the Eiffel Tower.

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This one has icing on its design. Yet, it’s the iconic image of Paris and possibly France.

9. A yellow house will certainly brighten things up.

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IT may seems small. Yet, it’s quite fancy enough for Christmas decorations.

10. “The stockings were hung by the chimney with care…”

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This one even leaves milk and cookies for Santa. While you see plenty of presents on the mantlepiece.

11. Seems like everyone’s come for the holidays.

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This is a pink Victorian where people gather for Christmas. One has even come in a truck.

12. So is this what the North Pole looks like?

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Santa’s house seems rather small. But the toy factory looks rather magnificent.

13. “Unto us a child is born..”

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This is a gingerbread nativity scene. The figures are inside. While the star is on the stable roof.

14. Perhaps you might want to relish in the snow.

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Wonder if it’s supposed to be where Santa Claus lives. Though I do love the style and the gingerbread figures frolicking in the snow.

15. In this house, you’re bound for adventure.

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You may recognize this as the Up house. The balloons are made from gumballs, by the way.

16. Would you want to spend Christmas in a rustic lodge?

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Well, this is quite a large one. Like the decorations and penguins. So stunning.

17. Hope you can smell what’s coming from the bakery.

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Well, it’s more of a German design. But I bet its contents smells as good as its structure.

18. “O little town of Bethlehem…”

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Yes, this is another gingerbread nativity scene. But the figures are much more prominent. So cute.

19. You’ll want to pray at this gingerbread church.

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This one is of a Catholic church called Our Lady of the Sacred Heart. Wonder where you can find the real thing. Since it looks quite old and intricate.

20. You might prefer this cozy house.

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This one is a Victorian with large windows. Like the wreaths on the columns.

21. Want anything from the surf shack?

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This one is at the beach with sand of brown sugar. Need a board, you’ll find it here.

22. Rover welcomes you to his home.

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This is a gingerbread doghouse. And yes, some of it is made out of dog treats.

23. A red brick house always has a certain charm.

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This one has an antique garage. Like the Christmas decorations.

24. Seems like Santa’s visiting this house.

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This is a cozy home. Has a nice brick façade with Christmas decorations. While Santa is up on the house top.

25. “There was an old woman who lived in a shoe…”

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Too bad it wasn’t enough living space to keep her and her kids. Though it’s more likely she was running a kids’ home. Since her own would be adults by now.

26. Can I interest you in this magnificent gingerbread castle?

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This is a white castle with red tower tops. Even includes an outside shack for some reason.

27. Settle down in this Christmas cabin.

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This log house is decked with red shutters and a wreath at every window. While it sports a multitude of icicles.

28. Santa’s toy factory is quite busy this holiday season.

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Seems like an impressive operation. Though I’m sure Santa might replace the elves with automation.

29. Care to stop at Victoria’s B&B?

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This one has an almond stone façade for more realism. Includes a snowman in front.

30. Feel free to admire the Christmas tree at this red brick house.

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This one has the tree in the front lawn. While garlands decorate the windows and wrought iron fence.

31. Stay in this tower house on a cold snowy night.

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Well, this is an interesting design. Though I love the purple icing on the walls.

32. Hop along on this carousel.

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This gingerbread carousel consists of horses and rainbow candy cane decoration. So pretty.

33. This house looks a lot like Christmas.

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Mostly since it’s red with green shutters and fixtures. Said to be a hotel. But looks more like a B&B to me.

34. You might be enchanted by this shrine.

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From what I can tell, it seems to resemble a shrine. Though I really can’t be sure despite its spectacular architecture.

35. You might feel at home in the Shire.

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This is a little hobbit neighborhood. Not sure where Bag End is supposed to be.

36. There’s so much to love about this large gingerbread house.

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This one has hearts all over the place. Love the smoke coming out of it.

37. Perhaps you’d like a roof of red licorice.

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This one also has candy cane columns. Like the Christmas decorations.

38. Care to try anything at this sweet shop?

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You can see plenty of present cakes inside. While the snowmen smile with delight.

39. All aboard on Noah’s ark.

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This one has 2 of each animal, including the sea creatures. Like the stained glass rainbow image on the boat’s side.

40. You’ll be amazed by Moscow’s St. Basil’s Cathedral.

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It’s said Ivan the Terrible had the architect’s eyes gouged out because he didn’t want the guy to design any other building like it. Though the tops are quite pretty.

41. Stop by this simple white house.

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This one has wreaths on every window and a stone fence. The roof is covered in flour snow.

42. Best you take a treat from Santa’s Bake Shop.

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You can see the treats through the window. While it sports a red and green chimney.

43. Hope you can do your business in this outhouse.

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Includes a couple of milk cans for added rustic charm. Though the only products produced here are gingerbread shits.

44. As we know, Noah built his ark.

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Includes animals coming in 2 by 2. And they’re probably the major reason why people do this gingerbread rendition in the first place.

45. You’ll find everything from cakes to crumbs at this bake shop.

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You can see the treats through the window. Like the Trees outside.

46. May I interest you in a tropical hideaway?

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Sure there may not be snow on it. But you have to admire the large stained glass window.

47. Nothing beats lounging at the beach.

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One guy’s about to go surfing. While 2 ladies lie in the sun.

48. Make a proper visit to Gingerbread Abbey.

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This is a gingerbread rendition of Downton Abbey. Or Highclere Castle in real life.

49. Hope you’ll be enchanted by this castle.

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This one has wreaths and candy cane columns. Love the towers.

50. You might prefer a house with more unique architecture.

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This one seems like it’s straight from the desert. While it’s decked in Christmas glory.

51. You’ll be in for a night at Radio City Music Hall.

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Though this time of year, you’ll might only get to see a Rockette show there. Like the massive tree.

52. It’s nice to spend Christmas at a rustic tower house.

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This one seems straight out of a fairy tale. The top mostly consists of shingles.

53. Perhaps you might want to ride a carousel horse.

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Wonder how big this one is. At any rate, it’s quite amazing someone could construct such a thing.

54. Have a drink at the tiki bar.

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This one is mostly made from pretzels. Yet looks very simple to make.

55. In the southwest desert, you can reside in an adobe.

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Yes, this is a gingerbread adobe. Though you wouldn’t find snow in Arizona and New Mexico.

56. A Native gingerbread person would love to reside in a teepee.

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Has all kinds of Christmas decorations on it. And there’s a fire inside.

57. Snoopy is all ready for Christmas.

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This is from the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. And yes, the Charlie Brown tree is present.

58. A tall castle never fails to make an impression.

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Looks really imposing. Like the tall towers. Even includes a train track.

59. Hope you can survive King’s Landing. Because many don’t.

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King’s Landing is the capital in Game of Thrones. Great cosmopolitan atmosphere. But stay away from Cersei.

60. Feel free to come inside this Christmas pagoda.

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This one has holly on the tiers. Has a white Christmas tree inside.

61. You’ll have a ball of a time at this Christmas castle.

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This one is supposed to capture the 12 Days of Christmas. And shows each of the items with consistency.

62. You would marvel at this Gothic revival church.

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This one has rather imposing towers. Love the decorations and design. So pretty.

63. Pay a visit to this red brick block.

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This is a gingerbread apartment building. Has candy cane railing. Love the garland decorations.

64. A rustic house can always have an elaborate design on top.

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Indeed, the roof is quite fancy. Like the Christmas wreath and tree on the terrace balcony.

65. Paddle along the Mississippi in this steam boat.

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Contains frog musicians apparently. Yet, it’s decked with candy cane columns and smokestacks.

66. It beginning to look a lot like Christmas on this block.

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Indeed, they’re 3 houses attached to each other. While there are 2 sets of chimneys between them.

67. George Washington always enjoyed Christmas at Mount Vernon.

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This one has the main house surrounded by Christmas trees. Has garlands on the windows and near the roof. While wreaths deck the doors.

68. A white house glistens after the first snow.

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This one doesn’t have as many Christmas decorations as the other houses. But you can see wreaths on the widow’s walk.

69. A yellow house can always impress during the holidays.

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This one lights up from the inside. Still, love the Christmas decorations and trees.

70. A dark house can always dazzle.

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Wonder if it’s from a storybook. In any case, got to see Santa getting stuck in the chimney.

71. Want to set sail?

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This one has a beach scene with a bar. Though the boat has a candy cane yard and a pretzel mast.

72. A large house like this can play host to a lavish Christmas party.

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This one has Christmas trees at the entrance. While you can see towers topped with snowflakes.

73. Perhaps a pretzel house can suit you.

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This one has pretzel siding, fencing, and shingles. While the icing makes the snow.

74. A brick tower house will make you feel at home during the holidays.

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Has Christmas trees in the lawn. While the tower is in pure holiday splendor.

75. You might be refreshed by a house of minty green.

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Well, it’s not totally minty green. But has a kind of whimsical charm.

76. Care to stop by the Apple Drop Farm?

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This one has an array of pumpkins and apple trees. Get them before the snow comes.

77. You’ll be charmed by this German clock.

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You can see people dancing and sharing a beer regardless. While it’s a little after ten.

78. Find peace at a remote Asian temple.

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This one has candy canes on the tier and roof. While the fish in the stream are probably Swedish.

79. Some may opt for the cozy confines of Bag End.

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This one has 2 chimneys. Also comes with a well cart, and garden.

80. Anyone would be charmed by this windmill.

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It’s near a golden bridge. Wonder how it retains the blades during the cold winter winds.

81. Don’t forget to pay a visit to the Lincoln Memorial.

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Though I’m not sure if it’s made out of brick since it’s more or less composed of stone. Though you have to like the candy cane columns.

82. I’m sure you might enjoy a performance at the Kennedy Center.

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It’s a performing arts center in Washington DC. Got to love the candy cane columns.

83. Though you can’t miss the Jefferson Memorial.

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The Jefferson may not be as well known as the Lincoln Memorial. Though the dome is quite magnificent.

84. Fallingwater looks spectacular during the winter.

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Okay, this is a gingerbread rendition of Frank Lloyd Wright’s best known building. Yet, you have to at least appreciate whoever made this.

85. You have to check out the Biltmore in a book.

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I think this is the Vanderbilt estate in North Carolina. Nonetheless, someone listed it as Hogwarts for some reason.

86. Hope your block is all ready for the holidays.

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Seems like a peaceful neighborhood. Some kids throw snowballs. Others build snowmen.

87. The Taj Mahal will certainly enchant you.

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Yes, this is a gingerbread Taj Mahal. And yes, it’s covered in white icing.

88. Now that’s a massive treehouse.

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This one is a massive apartment complex. So hold onto the candy cane railing.

89. You’ll see a lot of glowing candles at this house.

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This one uses shredded wheat as roof shingles. While garlands deck the columns, balcony, and windows.

90. The Pentagon seems all ready for Christmas.

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It’s the military headquarters and where most of America’s tax dollars go to. Because some old men want to build their little explody toys. Instead of instituting a universal healthcare system that would be extremely better for all of us. Because healthcare is a civil right, not a commodity.

91. Seattle is stunning in gingerbread and frosting.

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Even includes the Space Needle, the city’s most famous landmark. While the skyline is spectacular.

92. Here you will find the highest court in the land.

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However, now that Brett Kavanaugh’s in there, the Supreme Court’s legitimacy is under great scrutiny. Still, love the candy cane columns and Christmas decorations.

93. “The Whos down in Whoville loved Christmas a lot..”

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This is supposed to be Whoville’s central square. Love the Christmas tree.

94. Nobody should miss Stonehenge.

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This seems rather easy to make. Just take some gingerbread pieces and put them in a stone circle.

95. King Kong knows how to deck the halls.

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Here he is on top of the Empire State Building wearing a Santa hat. Man, people can get crazy ideas sometimes.

96. The White House is a colorful spectacle this year.

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This one has rainbow lights on the top and sides. So pretty and festive.

97. You might want to check out this fancy caravan.

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Makes you wonder whether some magician lives there. Love the black lattice and golden trim.

98. Anyone would want to celebrate Christmas with this festive fountain.

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Is that real water spouting out? Love the Christmas tree at the top.

99. So many things are made at Santa’s Workshop.

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This one pops out toys nonstop. Mostly because it’s powered by magic.

100. Feel free to visit this Chinese tea house.

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Certainly has a unique style to it. Love the beautiful roof and windows.

 

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas with These Village Houses (Fourth Edition)

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Now that I put up some of my crazy Christmas posts, I return to some of the nice decorations. Though plenty might opt for a simple Christmas tree, a wreath, lights, and other trimmings, some may go over the top. Among these, you might find a Christmas village within one’s home with putz or porcelain houses that may light up a winter wonderland when the lights are out. You might find it on a tree like display like this one. You may find it on a large table. Or you might see it under the tree with a toy train track. Since it’s the Christmas season, you’ll find plenty of companies selling these cute Christmas houses so people can build their own yuletide towns. Yet, some may prefer the old-fashioned putz houses and make their own. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of cute Christmas village houses. Enjoy.

  1. A purple house should always sport a pink roof.
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This one even has a white dog with gold. Also, has a matching doghouse, too.

2. A frame ski lodge is a welcoming place.

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You can tell it’s a ski lodge since it has ski figures and a dog at the front. Like the lights, too.

3. A light yellow house can always use some tinsel.

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Also has jewel decorations for extra sparkle. Love the trees.

4. A winter home is covered with snow.

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Includes a pink tree and a white deer. Like the tinsel on the door.

5. Seems like Santa’s flying over that green house.

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Sure he may only ride with 6 as far as I see it. Yet, I love the glitter on the roof. So pretty and sparkly.

6. A mid-century modern home can always use a few snowflakes.

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This one has a few snowflakes hanging from the roof. Includes silver steps and Christmas trees.

7. On Winter houses, 2 chimneys are better than one.

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You can see the Christmas decorations in the front lawn. Includes a Christmas tree, wreath, sleigh, and snowman.

8. A small red house can do with a bell.

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The bell is on the tower. Makes you wonder if it’s a schoolhouse. Like the gold fringe.

9. Perhaps you might prefer a small purple cottage.

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There’s tinsel on the roof and along the top window and door. Like the shiny beads.

10. You’ll have plenty of snow on this roof.

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Well, the snow is made from cotton fluff. Has 2 chimneys, 3 dormers, and 4 wreaths on the windows.

11. A white barn will always stand out.

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This one is in similar design as the one I put up in the first Christmas village post. Still, it’s quite magnificent.

12. A fuzzy blue church should always look magical.

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This one has a wreath on the snow covered roof. Love the snowman near the front.

13. A Christmas house should always have a snow covered roof.

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This one is more naturalistic than some of the others on this post. Yet, you still have 3 wreaths on the windows.

14. A lime green church should contain a few stars.

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Well, they’re hollow stars. Yet, you have to admire the style if you’re not crazy about the color.

15. A winter village has a certain holiday magic during the night.

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This one has all you want in a Christmas village. While you can see trees galore on a mountainside.

16. A golden deer would love a quaint blue cottage.

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This one has gold chimneys on its snow covered roof. Love the trees and reindeer though.

17. You’ll never know what you’d see inside this modern green house.

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Though I think the inside comes from a photo. Nonetheless, you have to like the multicolored trees on the lawn.

18. A small red house should have a few Christmas trees outside.

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The trees are decorated with shiny beads of red, blue, and gold. While the light comes from the inside.

19. Anyone would want a small house of red and pink.

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And they say red and pink don’t go together. Nonetheless, you have to love the decorations on this.

20. Perhaps you’ll be impressed by a fancy green house.

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This one even has lattice in the roofs. Like the tree and wreath. So pretty.

21. A blue house can always do with a snowflake.

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This one has a wreath on the door and a pearl on the roof as well. Love it.

22. A small modern blue house can do with a few candy canes.

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Has a wreath on the chimney. Like the gold décor on the top. Wonder if it’s supposed to signify lights.

23. You can always see the light coming through a large window.

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This one has decorations on the columns. Still, wouldn’t want a house designed like this.

24. It’s always Christmas when you see Santa flying on his sleigh.

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The top contains panels of Santa and his reindeer nearby. Though it’s supposed to be at the North Pole.

25. Care to catch sight of a round balcony?

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Well, the roof is rounded for the balcony. Though it’s quite a unique house that I had to include it.

26. A charming blue house can always include 2 chimneys.

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This one has beads for the décor. While the chimneys even produce smoke in the form of cotton stuffing.

27. A creamy pink house is worth singing about.

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This one has a pipe cleaner wreath and garland at the top. But the pine decoration stands out the best.

28. This glitter lighthouse will light your way through snowy seas.

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It’s white and light blue for winter. While you can find its light at the top.

29. A roof can accumulate a lot of snow during winter.

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Though most of the snow must be paper mache. Though I do like the gold trees on each side.

30. A spotted house always receives a visit from Santa.

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This one even has gold pretzel fencing. Yet, Santa only has 4 reindeer at most.

31. Perhaps a simple white church will do.

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This one has white spots on the steeple. Like the deer near the Christmas trees.

32. A blue house should have all the embellishments.

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The trim is quite intricate. Yet, you have to like the white deer and wreath at the front.

33. A simple blue house needs simple decorations.

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This one only has a few potted Christmas trees. Also includes a car near the garage.

34. A Christmas house can always look quite fancy.

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The lattice work covers the roof and floors. Comes with a pink tree and a few snowballs.

35. A sweet angel should have a pink house.

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Has a jewel near the roof. While the angel wears a muff. So lovely.

36. Perhaps you might want to check out this church.

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Well, it’s a white church and a gold side building. Like the angel and the wreath.

37. A Christmas house should always be red and green.

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This one has a wreath near the roof and a unique shape. Love the trees surrounding it.

38. Don’t forget to decorate the tree for all to see.

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This one has kids decorating the tree where you can see them. So cute.

39. A blue church should have some fancy trees.

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This one has a deer right outside. While the trees have all kinds of beads on it.

40. A small red house can always stand out.

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One of the trees has rather large baubles on it. Yet, I like the smaller tree better since it’s more proportioned.

41. The more snow on the roof, the better.

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This one has a wreath near the balcony, 2 chimneys, and trees on the lawn. Should brighten anyone’s spirits.

42. A white house can always be a quaint holiday cottage.

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This one only has a wreath and a couple of trees with red beads. Though I do like the red window trim.

43. You can always go with a fancy town house.

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This one is rather towering. Love the gold trim near the roof. So amazing.

44. Among wild trees, a simple house will do.

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This one is a modern brick with a red door and green trim. Not why it has snow and palm trees though.

45. Need a Christmas tree? Get one here.

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The trees come freshly cut. Yet, I like the light and wreath décor the best.

46. Sometimes your Christmas village needs a modern touch.

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This one has 2 stories in yellow and blue. Wonder if they’re apartments since they have a tree on each. Love the snowman and wreath.

47. A small lavender cottage can always use a star.

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Well, there’s a star hole on the roof. Like the tree with the shiny beads.

48. A blue house can always please during the holidays.

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This one has 2 wreaths on the roof along with jewels on the door and chimney. So pretty.

49. Sometimes the trees can stand from the house.

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The trees are decorated with shiny beads. While a kid stands in front of the house.

50. Santa could always visit a black house.

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This one has purple trim on the windows and doors. While Santa is made of Lego.

51. A white stately home will always bring Christmas cheer.

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This one has 4 chimneys on its snow-covered roof. Like the wreaths.

52. There’s plenty to do in a blue house during the holidays.

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This one has a lot of stuff going on here. Has candy cane trim, lights, and a wreath.

53. Could I interest you with a hunter’s cabin?

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Only has cardinal on the roof. While the bell is the only holiday décor present.

54. Perhaps you might prefer spending Christmas in the woods.

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This one even includes an outhouse which kind makes me shudder. Decorated with a wreath and trees.

55. You can always try a simple white house.

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This one is either a trailer or a ranch style. Like the snowman nearby though.

56. This clock house may impress you.

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Includes a snowflake background and 2 evergreen trees. Love the roof.

57. Nobody could forget a polka dot house.

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The file name has it as a gingerbread house. Yet, seems more like a flamboyant birdhouse to me.

58. A home is always someone’s castle.

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This one seems to combine a castle with a house. Love the windows.

59. A brick house is always sturdy.

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This one has an elf slipping on the ice. Love the Christmas tree.

60. A blue house like this can be seen from miles.

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Sports a golden roof and has deer in the lawn. Love the candy cane Christmas tree.

61. A blue church should have a fancy tower.

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This one has a matching Christmas tree. Though I love the gold wreath on the steeple.

62. A white house is a simple winter hideaway.

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This one has a wreath on the roof and blue bead bows on the chimneys. Like the snowman near the big window.

63. Anyone would find this green house enchanting.

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This one has a roof of 2 peaks. Like the wreath and Christmas tree décor. The teddy bear and snowman are so cute.

64. There’s something angelic about this winter abode.

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Has angels on the front yard holding animals and praying. While snowflakes deck the windows.

65. You’ll find a few nutcrackers here.

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This one has holly at the windows. While 3 nutcrackers stand near the snowman.

66. You’ll find poinsettias and fancy deer at this house.

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This one has poinsettias in the windows. While the reindeer are white and gold. There’s also a large ornament on the roof.

67. Perhaps you might do with a small blue house.

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Has a large ornament on the lawn. Like the white snowy trees and wreath with pink beads.

68. A sleek modern home makes a perfect Christmas cabin.

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This one has a metal butterfly roof. While it’s decked with 2 Christmas trees and a wreath.

69. A modest pink house might suit your holiday fancy.

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This one has a rather intricate chimney and façade. Like the golden present and wreath.

70. Sometimes a wreath is all you need.

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This one has a large wreath and candy cane columns. Almost looks real with the earth tone colors.

71. Christmas can be grand in a trailer in the woods.

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Includes a wreath, presents, lights, and a deer. Not much space, but seems quite quaint.

72. A red house can always usher in the Christmas spirit.

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Comes with 2 Christmas trees in ornaments. While the snow glitters on the roof.

73. Nothing is sweeter than a candy cane house.

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This one has candy cane trim on the roof. While the chimney has a peppermint as it spouts candy cane smoke.

74. A modern ranch always has to include a flamingo.

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This one seems like a rather normal house. Like the fencing.

75. A small white house can gather a ton of snow.

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This is a pastel house in Bavarian design. While the wreath has a deer head, I think.

76. A flamingo looks out of place in the snow.

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It has a wreath around its neck. Like the snow covered roof.

77. A pink house should at least have its own tower.

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This one has garlands on the awning. Like the dog and shutters.

78. You’ll be marveled by this wooden townhouse.

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This one has a rather intricate design. Like the window near the roof. So pretty.

79. A putz village is a colorful place.

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This one even includes a train track. While the buildings all glitter in bright colors.

80. You can’t help but adore a rainbow house.

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This one is in pink, purple, blue, and yellow. While the tree might contain some berries.

81. Perhaps you might like this red town house.

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This one includes a dog. Yet, the windows seem quite imposing and magnificent.

82. A pink house is a winter haven.

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This one has 2 trees and a snowman. Like the silver trim on the chimneys and windows.

83. Want to spend sometime in this Christmas trailer?

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This one is in red and green. Also includes a wreath.

84. Any elf would love a small brick cottage.

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This one has golden doors and windows. Like the sleigh and presents. So pretty.

85. A brick house can always impress.

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This one has twin chimneys and 2 balconies. Has 4 trees on the front.

86. A fox is charmed by a small green frame house.

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This one just has a bow above the door. While trees deck the front.

87. A white deer would always feel at home at a white cottage.

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This one has gold tree and silver wreath. Like the snow on the roof.

88. Bet Santa likes to stop at this blue house.

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This one only has one chimney but plenty of windows. While a berry tops each tree.

89. Perhaps Santa might prefer a small white cottage.

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This one has silver trees while the fencing glitters. So pretty.

90. A blue house can be a haven for snow and ice.

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Has a red roof and front window. Yet, the snowman is adorable.

91. There’s a lot happening at this blue house.

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This one has a snowman next to a peppermint lollipop. Love the trees.

92. The halls are all decked on this house.

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This one has a wire fence along with one of the most decorated facades on the block. Love the golden snowflake.

93. A sparkly blue house has plenty of bows.

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Well, glittery golden bows, anyway. Love the window and roof trim. So pretty and sparkly.

94. You might feel welcome at this white house.

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This one has a ribbon flower and snowflakes on the green roof. Though I’m not sure if the people are figures or not.

95. Seems like Santa likes spending time with his wife at this red house.

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Though I’d expect Santa to live in some North Pole palace. Then again, to each his own.

96. Apparently, Santa seems to love this Christmas barn.

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Someone even has a tree on their car. Like the wreath near the roof.

97. Perhaps you might prefer a blue house with a roof of gold.

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Has poinsettias near the windows. While Santa stands right outside the front door.

98. A church should always be in bright colors.

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This one has a bell on one side and a chimney on the other. Like the wreath above the door.

99. Check out the icicles on this blue house.

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This one has a wreath on the façade. Yet, the icicles dangle from the roof.

100. Feel free to acquaint yourself with this red house.

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This one has garlands on the roof. While the snowman stands outside.

Not So Great Tidings of Not Much Comfort and Joy Christmas Gift List (Fourth Edition)

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As anyone would guess, Christmas gifts are among the most important holiday traditions. Since if we didn’t exchange gifts during this time of year, we wouldn’t have all this Christmas commercialism in the first place. Nonetheless, while we always look forward to opening our Christmas presents, not all gifts will be winners. In fact, everyone has probably received a terrible Christmas gift at one point of their lives. After all, there are plenty of people who are very hard to buy for. Or many of the people in your life are on a budget. Or you had to buy a gift for someone you didn’t know or a secret Santa. But there are some gifts that go beyond the conventional bad Christmas presents. You’ll probably never receive any of these. But if you do, know that you’re probably not alone. Or someone has seen my bad gift posts and possibly hates you. In any case, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of holiday gift disasters. Some of these may not be safe for work, by the way.

  1. Jewel Encrusted Kleenex box
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Basically says, “you sneeze a lot and have very expensive tastes.” Besides, you can get cheaper tissue boxes than this.

2. Creative Cursing: A Mix and Match Profanity Generator

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If you want to protest Donald Trump like a Brit, this is the book for you. Otherwise, best not to give to children who might make their parents think you’re setting a bad example.

3.  Chambong  Shooter Set

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Now you can shoot champagne straight into your mouth. Might make people think you have a drinking problem.

4. Trumpy Bear

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He’s basically a Donald Trump teddy bear that will turn everything you love into shit. Great for inflicting harm on your enemies. Still, for the love of God, kill it. Kill it with fire.

5. Toothed Mug

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Guaranteed to creep people out when you have your coffee. Seriously, who puts teeth on a mug?

6. Toilet Donald

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From Huffington Post: “Imagine waking up at 3 a.m. and seeing this Toilet Donald statue angrily tweeting about some imagined slight. Oh, sorry. That’s a nightmare.”

7. Praying Mantis Angel

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From Huffington Post: “This praying mantis statue definitely offers a new angle on angels. If the recipient looks at you incredulously (a good possibility), just look beatifically at the sky and say, ‘the Lord does work in strange and mysterious ways.'”

8. Impeach Toaster and Jam

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From Huffington Post: “Looking for a gift for the person still feeling burned by the 2016 election? Want something special for the person who thinks Trump is toast in 2020? This Trump toaster burns the face of The Donald on one side of bread, with ‘You’re Fired!’ on the other. The product’s website also sells ‘Impeach Jam.'”

9. Tactical Kilt

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From Huffington Post: “If you’re in a situation where you’re wearing a kilt, it’s not a bad idea for it to be camouflaged (why call attention to yourself?). The Tactical Kilt is especially handy because it has pockets and compartments that allow you to hide weapons, the better to protect yourself if people make fun of you.”

10. Life Preserver Bottle Cover

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From Huffington Post: “Why a life preserver for a bottle of wine? If you have to ask why, you’ll never understand.”

11. Moose Foot Rest

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From Huffington Post: “After a hard day, there is nothing like resting your feet on a moose-shaped Ottoman. And there is probably nothing in your house that matches a moose-shaped Ottoman. Just a warning: If you get this for Christmas, your kids will never let you get rid of it.”

12. Potty Texter

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From Huffington Post: “Texting in a bathroom isn’t easy. You have to hold the phone with both hands, leaving nothing to hold a glass of wine (or anything else). The Potty Texter apparently makes it easier to answer nature’s call while answering emails or checking out social media feeds. Just promise me you won’t use this to do a Facebook Live feed, please?”

13. Hand Turkey Statue

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From Huffington Post: “Hand turkeys are a common art project for school kids, but few of them are as elaborate as this statue that combines a turkey head with a human hand. Or as creepy. Yep, definitely creepy.”

14. Beard Bib

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From The Huffington Post: “Some weird gifts are actually weirdly useful, such as the Beard Bib. Hook it to a mirror with suction cup and it will catch all the facial hair before it gets stuck on the sink. I assume it could also work for vomit, spittle, last night’s dinner and other things you don’t want in the sink, but that’s a little gross to think about.”

15. Vladimir Putin Scratching Post

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From The Huffington Post: “If Donald Trump can scratch Vladimir Putin’s back, why can’t your cat scratch everywhere else. Yes, all cats will be rushin’ to use this scratching post of the Russian dictator, even though others would rather scratch his eyes out.”

16. Mini Mobile LED Disco Ball

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That way, you can bring the party anywhere. But make sure you plug it in first.

17. Emergency Underwear

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If you need a pair on the go, these will serve you well. Just go into a bathroom and change first. Still, this is a pretty terrible gift.

18. You Said You Wanted Nothing Box

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For the person who said they wanted nothing. But you didn’t get the memo that they expected you to give them a gift anyway.

19. How to Traumatize Your Children: 7 Proven Methods to Help You Screw Up Your Kids Deliberately and with Skill by Knock Knock

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An ideal gift for the parent who wants to scare the kids straight. Then again, this might not be good for any children.

20. Chanel Lightbulb Heels

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For the woman who wants to make an electric entrance. Then again, I’m not sure if the light actually works. Also, looks pretty ridiculous.

21. Nude Art Purse

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As you can see, the art isn’t the greatest. Faces range from Cubist to goblin.

22. Nicholas Cage Sequin Pillow

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On one side, it’s shiny red. On the other is Nicholas Cage’s face. Hope your loved one enjoys this one.

23. Glow in the Dark Toilet Seat

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Now if you have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, you can find your way. Yet, it’ll make your toilet appear like a nuclear disaster area.

24. The Hungoevr Cookbook by Milton Crawford

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For the person in your life who loves food. But is often seen holding bottle of booze at a party when you see them.

25. Fifty Shades of Chicken by FL Fowler

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It’s like Fifty Shades of Grey. But with kinky chicken recipes to try with your partner. Then again, that might be a better idea than the real book.

26. Bernie Sanders Chia Head

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For the democratic socialist with a green thumb. Nonetheless, Bernie certainly has hair like that.

27. Farting Teddy Bear

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It’s a cuddly teddy bear known to break wind. Kids will love it. Parents not so much.

28. Motorized Rolling Pin

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Okay, this is a prank pack. But I’m sure many would want something that would roll the dough itself.

29. Big Head Squirrel Feeder

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Allows you to feed the critters outside. Though a bird feeder works just as well. Seriously, I’ve seen it in action.

30. Bluetooth Bathroom Scale

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It’s the hot new tech gift that nobody wants, especially women. Great for making that special someone hate you for the rest of your life.

31. Toilet Office Organizer

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You can store paper clips in the seat. While the figure holds tape as toilet paper and pencil at the mouth.

32. Crumpled Trash Throw Pillow

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From Buzzfeed: “Crumpled trash is the pinnacle of true love.” I’d beg to differ on that.

33. Chopstick Pencils

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Now you can eat and write with the same utensils. Okay, that’s quite unsanitary.

34. Star Trek: Next Generation Tiki Mugs

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From The Huffington Post: “This collection of tiki mugs — modeled on the mugs of various characters from ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’ — is perfect for the person who loves foofy drinks and ‘90s sci-fi. As Jean-Luc Picard might say: ‘Make it so … alcoholic.'” Wait a minute, Cardassians and Ferengi are much more appropriate for Deep Space Nine.

35. Syringe Highlighters

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From Buzzfeed: “For the friend who has to endure medical school.” Or nursing school. Come in 6 different colors.

36. Eyebrow Razors

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It’s a cute way of telling your loved one that they remind you of the Wolfman. And that it might not be a good thing.

37. GameMaxx Hydrating Game Controller

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It’s supposed to keep you hydrated while you play video games. Okay, it’s actually a prank pack. Sorry to disappoint you.

38. iDrive Mobile Device Mount Accessory

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It’s a mount you can use to put your device up. Yes, it’s another prank pack. But that’s beside the point.

39. Anti-Fatigue Mat

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From Refinery29: “Because ladies LOVE doing dishes in their heels.” Actually we women do not.

40. Beginner’s Whittling Kit

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From Refinery29: “For the recent retiree or gentleman/woman/homesteader of leisure in your life, a gift that truly says, ‘This should keep you busy while you run out the ol’ life-clock.’ Your giftee will know you value traditional, rural handicraft and savings when you show them that it comes with a free issue of Carving Magazine!”

41. Bracelet Assistant

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From Refinery29: “Finally, a gift that reminds me of my arthritic wrists.” Maybe if you have arthritis, you shouldn’t wear bracelets.

42. Personal Pie Maker

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From Refinery29: “Finally, a girl can make four pies simultaneously, in a weird iron-maiden-type device, in the comfort and safety of her own home. Psych, everyone — this is actually the best gift.”

43. Wrap Purse

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From Refinery29: “It’s a scarf! No, it’s a purse! It’s a scurseparf! Forget those bras with pockets: Here’s the today way to sassily sport the valuables you need most, like your bling-y barrettes and Sophie Kinsella novels.”

44. Wine-Cork Trivet

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From Refinery29: “This is a super-classy, MoMA-approved way to commemorate the 36 most special times you ever got lit (precious memories). Don’t buy it for us, though. Our boxes of Chardonnay don’t come with corks.”

45. Edible Eyes

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They’re eyes you can stick on your food. Takes playing with it to a whole new level.

46. The Very Embarrassing Book of Dad Jokes by Ian Allen

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I’m sure it’s given to dads everywhere. With this book, they can be lame like the dad in that 1970s style cover.

47. Sushi Cat Keychains

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Indeed, these are cats on vinegar rice you can hang on your backpack or purse. For cat and sushi lovers everywhere.

48. Napsack Sleep Hood

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With this you can take a nap anytime and anywhere. Okay, this is actually a prank pack. But many would wish it can be the real thing.

49. Couch Potato Chips Pillow

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Guaranteed to last longer than a real bag of potato chips. Though this woman doesn’t know the difference.

50. Floppy Disk Coffee Table

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Comes with a secret compartment. Though your younger guests might think it resembles a save icon.

51. Chewing Gum Magnets

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From Buzzfeed: “HA HAR HA. Tell ’em how you really feel.” Wonder how people would react if you put them on your fridge.

52. Hinge Packing Tape

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It’s packing tape with hinges on it. Makes it seem that packages are easier or harder to open than they really are.

53. Cinema Place Mat

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Makes you think that your dinner is a preview. Not sure if that helps matters.

54. Pizza Bedsheets

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Do you love pizza so much you’d want to go to bed with it? Now you can in a way. Still, it’s kind of tacky.

55. Plop Trumps Card Game

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It’s a card game on the different kinds of poop there are. Disgusting? I know.

56. Polaroid Toilet Paper Holder

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That way you can get toilet paper like you got polaroids. Yet, many younger people may not know what this is supposed to resemble.

57. Beerzicle

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It’s to keep your beer cool when you don’t have a fridge in sight. Yeah, they seem to make so many beer products for some reason.

58. Coffee Talkies

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They’re coffee mugs with a 2 way radio. Okay, it’s a prank pack. I know it’s disappointing.

59. Quotations from Chairman Trump edited by Carol Pogash

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It’s supposed to be like Mao Zedong’s Little Red Book but with Donald Trump quotes. Let’s just say Mao was more eloquent in his oratory.

60. Rockin’ Wooden Spoons

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They’re wooden spoons shaped like guitars. Come in acoustic and electric.

61. Sarcastic Ball

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It’s like a Magic 8 Ball. But it’s gives you sarcastic answers. Then again, a real Magic 8 Ball was like that, too.

62. Emoji Golf Balls

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Well, they have a lot of other kinds of emoji stuff. Yet, imagine having to tee off with one of these.

63. Money Duck Soap

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It’s supposed to be a soap duck with money inside. By the way, the money’s not real as you can see.

64. I Could Pee on This and other Poems by Cats by Francesco Marciuliano

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So this is a poetry book by cats. Didn’t know they can write poems. Oh wait, they can’t.

65. Sloth Pillow

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It’s a pillow resembling a sloth. Blends in with the right kind of carpet.

66. The Proust Questionnaire

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I think it’s supposed to be a book asking questions about some French guy that no one reads. Well, that’s as far as I know.

67. Sleep in a Bucket: a Party Game

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It’s a card game featuring a variety of horrible and hilarious scenarios. Though Odo from Deep Space Nine slept in a bucket during the early seasons like it was nothing. Since he’s a shape-shifter.

68. Mitten Flask

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It’s supposed to keep your drink warm on a cold winter day. Though if you have one of these, you might also have a drinking problem.

69. Stress Balls

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For the woman who’s dealt with so much shit from men that squeezing a couple of nuts brings such sweet relief. Disgusting but kind of hilarious.

70. Waterproof Notepad

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It’s for writing notes while you’re in the shower. When you’re supposed to be cleaning yourself.

71. Tiki Fondue Set

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It’s a fondue for a luau party. Will go well with the Star Trek Next Gen tiki cups.

72. Tipsy Squirrel Water Bottle

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It’s a water bottle that resembles a bottle of moonshine. Though you have to love the passed out squirrel.

73. Turkey Pop Up Timer

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When it pops, the turkey’s done. Simple as that. Perfect for Thanksgiving.

74. Butt/Face Soap

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One side you use for your butt. The other side you use for scrubbing your face. Yeah, I know it’s pretty lame.

75. Fifty Shades of Brown Lavatory Mist

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It’s toilet spray for the kinky kind. Of course, it’s a way to tell someone that their bathroom smells like shit.

76. Smoking Donkey

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It’s supposed to be a donkey cigarette dispenser. Indeed, it’s in poor taste and fosters bad health habits.

77. Eyeball Lunch Box

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It’s a way you can carry your lunch and freak people out at the same time. Comes with eye chart.

78. Waxed Ranch Flavored Dental Floss

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It’s dental floss with a ranch dressing taste. While using it will clean your teeth, your mouth won’t smell like minty freshness.

79. Instant Audience

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For the person who needs constant reactions but can’t afford a crowd. Perfect for the person who has to work closely for Donald Trump.

80. Shittens

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They’re mittens for wiping your butt when you go to the bathroom. I’m sure they’re disposable.

81. Pizza Box Seat

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It’s a seat made from pizza boxes. Great way to show the world you love pizza and are poor.

82. Ryan Gosling Panties

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For the girl who loves Ryan Gosling. But if you’re her boyfriend, you’ll eventually get sick of looking at his face after awhile.

83. Selfies: A Photo Album of Me, Myself, and I

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Finally, a photo album for the pictures you take of yourself. Perfect for the narcissists in your life.

84. Drunk, Stoned, or Stupid: A Party Game

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It’s one of those party games where players decide who’s most likely to do what. By the way, no one wins at the game.

85. Happy Guy Cork Screw

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I’m sure this guy will make your parties. Though you wouldn’t want children to attend them. Since he has a rather swirly appendage.

86. Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrush

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Now you can hear the music of Justin Bieber while cleaning your teeth. Perfect for that special someone who you want to see suffer.

87. Fortune Telling Tumbler

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From The Huffington Post: “Some people look for happiness in the bottom of a glass. Now you can see the future. The Fortune Teller Tumbler uses the same ‘technology’ of the Magic 8 Ball kids toy to answer life’s most pressing questions. ‘Am I going to get stupid drunk tonight trying to get a decent fortune out of this glass?’ ‘All signs point to yes.'”

88. Portable Breathalyzer

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From The Huffington Post: “Drinking more during the holidays? The AlcoMate portable breathalyzer can come in handy. However, take it from me: People get awfully competitive when you have a portable breathalyzer: Everyone will try to beat the other person’s score and the only one who wins is the Uber driver.” Perfect for choosing who’s going to be the designated driver.

89. Poop: The Game

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From The Huffington Post: “Just to be clear: Poop is a game, not actual poop itself. The game requires players to get rid of their ‘poop’ cards without clogging the toilet. Certainly, there are crappier gifts to get.”

90. Ben & Jerry’s Euphoir-Ice Cream Pint Combination Lock Protector

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For the person who’s a bit too possessive about their ice cream. Surely there’s enough to share around.

91. The Grilled Cheesus Sandwich Press

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Want to make a delicious grilled cheese and drive Bible Belt Christians nuts? This is for you.

92. Beer Helmet

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Perfect for the drunken frat boy in your life who loves beer. Like Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

93. 64oz Huge Giant Flask

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Comes with 2 shot glasses for a drinking game. Perfect for the drunk uncle in your life.

94. Fart Extinguisher

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It’s a way to manage those silent but deadlies. Though I don’t think it does shit.

95. Talking Donald Trump Statue

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From The Huffington Post: “Just what everyone wants for Christmas: A Donald Trump doll that spouts 17 of the trademark phrases he repeats at all of his rallies. Give this to a Trump supporter at your own risk, because they will keep pushing the button in order to push your buttons.” Unlike the real Trump, at least this one shuts up when you want it to and doesn’t take its unstoppable rage on Twitter.

96. DNA Wine

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From The Huffington Post: “Know someone who is really picky about their wine, but doesn’t know why they like what they like? Let DNA do the dirty work. The Vinome wine club selects wine based on the flavor preferences found in certain gene markers. The DNA spit test can help determine if the drinker is partial to bitter flavors, fruity flavors, and certain types of reds or whites. It worked for me and determined I like wine. Lots of it! Thank you, science!”

97. Gunsticles

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From The Huffington Post: “Gunsticles are metal balls in the shape of testicles designed to be attached to a gun. They serve no purpose whatsoever, other than to: A) tell others you have ‘balls,’ and B) letting others at the gun range easily spot the tool.”

98. Fish Sandals

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From The Huffington Post: “Fish sandals. Two words you never realized sounded so good together until you read them just now.” Still, they look kind of disgusting.

99. Hidden Door

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From The Huffington Post: “It’s not for everyone, but you know there is at least one person in your life who would love a hidden door. Bonus points if they are a legit mad scientist. Negative points if they operate a meth lab.”

100. Singing Pasta Timer

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From The Huffington Post: “Figuring out whether pasta is ready is one of life’s hassles, requiring a person to repeatedly pick spaghetti out of a boiling pot and fling it against a wall. Wouldn’t it better to have a singing piece of plastic to let you know? Please don’t answer that. I can’t hear you anyway.”

 

 

 

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Fifth Edition)

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Back in the day, people would often send Christmas greeting cards to each other. Now like many Christmas traditions, the practice of exchanging cards during the holiday season began during the Victorian era. As you can imagine some of these cards might evoke some sentimentality with its Christmas imagery. Yet, there are some that will make you go “what the fuck?” Over the years I’ve done annual vintage Christmas cards posts, the older ones tend to be the crazier. You have to wonder whether the designers of these baffling cards wanted to be creative or funny. Or they had no idea what constitutes as an appropriate Christmas card. Or they were willing to try anything. Of course, when you think of old-fashioned Christmas cards, these don’t usually come to mind. But they do exist and I intend to show some of them. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas greeting cards that time forgot. Enjoy.

  1. Santa Claus looks to the Earth from his satellite.
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So this is another Santa in space card. Wonder how Santa doesn’t manage to suffocate and die. Is his suit magical?

2. Wishing you a jolly Christmas from the local neighborhood psychokiller.

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For how else could you explain a bloody saw on a Christmas card? Seriously, a bloody saw doesn’t represent Peace on Earth to me.

3. All aboard on the Santa Express.

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Yet, Santa seems way too big for the engine since he’s sitting on it like a toy. Still, there’s plenty to go around for all the kids. Yet, they just want his Christmas tree, which is not for sale.

4. Nobody wants to see Krampus out in the snow.

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Seems like he’s got a frightened kid already. But apparently, there seems room for more despite how full his basket seems.

5. Careful not to get stuck in the Christmas pudding.

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Apparently, these kids didn’t get the memo. Or they’re digging into the pudding like ravenous ants.

6. Apparently, Santa has started delivering gifts via airship this year.

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“Here’s a dolly for Susie and down the chimney she goes. Now on to the next house since I have to make millions of visits within 24 hours.”

7. Seems like we’ve got a few kids hiding in the tree.

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For one, a tree with candle lights is a fire hazard. Second, is that kid munching on an ornament? Third, the 2 kids on top scare the hell out of me.

8. Seasons Greetings from cats learning math.

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Okay, I can see why Victorians would go for this since cats are cute. But cats solving math problems hardly fits the idea of Christmas. Yet, one doesn’t seem to pay attention in class.

9. “With the season’s greetings.”

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Now that has to be one of the freakiest flowers I’ve ever seen. And it seems to be among the carnivorous types about to devour a bee with a basket.

10. Battling ants give compliments of the season.

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This scene would be epic for a war movie. These guys got weapons and instruments. It’s very impressive. But what the hell does it have anything to do with Christmas? It’s about peace on earth, not mass ant slaughter.

11. “A friend in need is a friend indeed.”

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Apparently, there didn’t seem to be much traffic enforcement in Victorian times. And the horse is about to run into a blind man, which you can tell by the sign he’s wearing. It’s up to his dog to save the day.

12. Frosty is pleased to make your acquaintance.

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Yet, the girls don’t seemed freaked out by the snowman coming to life and taking off his hat like a gentleman. Even the dog is intrigued.

13. “May you spend a happy Christmas.”

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So this season’s greetings is coming from a flying jellyfish. How the hell is that possible?

14. “Wishing you a merry Christmas” from a pair of stiff upper-lip cats.

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Indeed, they’re on a Sunday morning walk through the meadow. But their relationship hasn’t been the greatest lately.

15. “May Christmas pass as merrily with us/As with the enterprising little puss/Who quite enjoys flirting and the fuss.”

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So the cat’s basically making the moves on a lady cat. While her father watches so they don’t get too frisky.

16. “Wishing you a purr-fectly happy Christmas” from cats on a whistle.

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Apparently, the Victorians seem to like cats a lot. Still, how they got on the whistle, I don’t have the slightest idea.

17. “Now dance and jump and make good cheer/For Christmas comes but once a year.”

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However, that chicken hasn’t been in good shape. While the rabbits play on.

18. Best not to disturb the birdhouse.

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Yet, I don’t think he’s come for any benign intent. If he wakes up the bird, he’s bound to get pecked to death.

19. Nothing makes Christmas like throwing snowballs on a local policeman.

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It’s all fun and games until the bobby gets his stick out and chases them. Yeah, might want to go back inside.

20. “Nice weather for young ducks.”

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Really? Oh, I see they’re ice skating. Yet, I don’t think winter weather is nice for young ducks. That would be spring.

21. Krampus always knows how to make a clean getaway.

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So, kids, sit back and relax since Krampus is about to take you through the highway to Hell. Though he does have a basket of apples for refreshment.

22. Perhaps the Krampus will take you on a sled ride.

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The kids in the basket are waving goodbye to the one left behind. Wonder if the children are putting on a brave front since they don’t seem scared.

23. You might want to look out behind you.

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For the Krampus is coming to get this girl. Yet, she doesn’t seem to have any idea he’s around.

24. “Get into the firey inferno! I don’t have all day!”

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Obviously, the kids would be reluctant to go into a fiery death. But as far as Krampus is concerned, they shouldn’t have acted like brats in the first place.

25. The fishermen fish wish you a merry Christmas.

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I know fishes eat other fish. But this Christmas card is absolutely ridiculous. Seriously, why?

26. “Make every cat grow sleek and fat on turkey this Christmas day.”

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And yet, the turkey on the table appears quite small. While the cook cat cries for not being able to find a bigger bird to eat among the mass outrage.

27. Nothing says Christmas like gnomes gathering round the Christmas tree in a rustic cabin.

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So the elder gnome sits smoking his pipe. While the smaller gnomes dance around the tree. Are those supposed to be his children? Also, what’s that pig doing in the window?

28. Even the Krampus is in the mood for love once in awhile.

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Apparently, despite his appearance and reputation for kidnapping children, he’s a hit with the ladies. Not sure why since I wouldn’t want to go 100ft near him.

29. “Want to ride in my pig pulled sleigh?”

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It’s possible that a pig pulled sleigh can be done. But pigs aren’t known for smelling that great. Yet, this girl doesn’t seem to mind.

30. “A Merry Christmas to you” from some classy owls.

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After all, owls don’t go out on the town without their top hats. But they usually act like gentlemen.

31. “We’ve got plans for you, Goldilocks.”

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Apparently, the 3 Bears snatched her from her bead and are now taking her to a pot to boil alive. That’ll teach the girl not to stage a home invasion.

32. “With the season’s greetings,” from an onion.

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I think it’s supposed to be shaped like a woman with the long hair and root dress. Still, this is pretty messed up.

33. “A Merry Christmas to you” from a couple of clowns.

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Here a scary clown shoves a guy into a barrel head first. While the old clown couldn’t bear to watch. I don’t want to know what happens next.

34. “In silvery accents whispering low_a happy Christmastide!”

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Yet, the guy seems rather pissed off on how the cats’ singing is disrupting his sleep. One of them seems to sing, “Memory, all alone in the moonlight…”

35. “To wish you the compliments of the season.”

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Now watch this spider eat the fly trapped in its web. Since when does stuff like this belong on a Christmas card?

36. “Let not roast beef be carelessly passed by/At Christmas hold him in esteem most high.”

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I’ve heard about beefy men before. But this just takes it to the utter extreme. Woman doesn’t seem to mind that his head is literally on a platter.

37. “With the compliments to the season” by a cat and owl.

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Seems like the cat and owl got a good catch of mice with dandy traps. And no, I really don’t want to try one.

38. Christmas is a time when birds come to greet each other in the snow.

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Funny, how one’s wearing a top hat and is smoking a cigar. While another has a winter hat on.

39. This rabbit is pulling for a merry Christmas.

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Now I can understand this for an Easter card. But Christmas, seriously? That doesn’t make sense.

40. “Bright be thy Christmas.”

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Since nothing should evoke Christmas like junk photo. Actually, what does China have to do with Christmas?

41. “A Merry Christmas to you” from the meadow.

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Okay, this make a great Easter card since it includes lambs and evokes spring. But a Christmas card, are you fucking kidding me?

42. These rays come in with the catch of the day.

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So what do stingray fishermen have anything to do with Christmas? Seriously, I have no idea why they’re featured on a card like this.

43. Everyone enjoys a good sleigh ride now and then.

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Yet, it’s pulled by a pig whose shit can reek the whole neighborhood. Though the two ladies also enjoy a bottle of booze for extra merriment.

44. “I have come to greet you.”

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Yes, that’s coming from a talking goat while the boy’s just shocked out of his mind. Then again, the goat might want him to share some of his snack. Also, what does this have to do with Christmas?

45. Perhaps you might want some Christmas delights.

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Here they come with the roast, pudding, and drinks. Oh, you’re freaked out. Well, try tipping them if you don’t want them to haunt your dreams.

46. “What next will Mr. Pudding do:/Cycling like this to me and you.”

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Wonder what he did to piss off the fruit chasing him. The world will never know. But he’s terrifying nonetheless.

47. “May Christmas bring you many pleasures.”

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Though these kids bring a wreath and flowers as a way to be nice. Before they kill you in your sleep for giggles. Yes, they are that evil.

48. “Who’s afraid?”

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Actually, this would’ve been okay as a Christmas card. Save for the caption. And how the bird inquisitively looks at the tin soldier in the snow.

49. Biking chickens wish you a merry Christmas.

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Apparently, they prefer the big wheel variety. While they seem to have their wings tucked in their shirts.

50. Sophisticated monkey wishes you a merry Christmas.

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Well, this isn’t too bad. Assuming if we lived in a Planet of the Apes universe. Also, he has human hands which is weird.

 

 

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Fifth Edition)

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Though listening to Christmas music in the store or on the radio is likely to make my ears bleed thanks to a holiday stint at Macy’s, many may beg to differ. Mostly because we have people who buy Christmas albums this time of year, many by pop artists willing to earn some sweet extra cash. And despite the saturated Christmas atmosphere of today, Christmas albums have existed for decades. After all, I’ve been doing annual posts like these for years. Don’t believe me? Then see what Michael Jackson looks like on the cover in the intro image. I mean he doesn’t seem to resemble the weird King of Pop he’d become in his later years. Nonetheless, many of these covers can be quite strange and outrageous to say the least. So for your reading pleasure this holiday season, I give you another treasury of crazy yuletide covers that time forgot.

  1. Pete Gold: Merry Payday Christmas 
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Santa Claus knows if you’ve been bad or good. So be good for goodness sake. Or else, Santa will straight out murder your ass. So you better watch out, you better not cry. And you better not pout, I’m telling you why.

Because this year, Santa means business.

2. Elvis Presley: Christmas with Elvis

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Christmas is supposed to be a happy. But Elvis appears rather depressed. Wonder what’s wrong.

Apparently, Elvis is having a blue Christmas this year.

3. Arthur Fiedler & the Boston Pops: A Christmas Festival

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From Classic FM: “You’re not fooling anyone, Arthur. Give the suit back now.”

This time Arthur plays Santa.

4. Bad Religion: Father Christmas

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Funny, how it appears on an album cover. Since I usually see Santa smoking in Vintage ads. But Santa doesn’t seem to give a shit.

Hope you don’t mind, Santa needs to light.

5. James Galway: James Galway’s Christmas Carol

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From Classic FM: “In which a scarfed Jeremy Beadle annoys the neighbours with his incessant flute-playing.”

He also does outdoor shows during the holidays.

6. Para Bailar: Drum Christmas Drum

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She also doesn’t seem keen on her man kissing her on the forehead. Just look at her bulging eyes of shock.

While her portait has been textured in garden mosaic.

7. Canadian Brass: The Christmas Album

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From Classic FM: “Sorry guys. Another entry for Canadian Brass. No matter how hard you parp your brass at that tree, it’s not going to make it a merry Christmas.”

Blowing their horns at the Christmas tree, are they?

8. Dionne Warwick and Placido Domingo: Christmas in Vienna II

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From Classic FM: “As unlikely pairings go, this is one of the strongest we’ve seen. Worth it for the kid in front of Placido’s expression alone.”

Apparently, one of the 3 Tenors decided to duet with a noted soul singer.

9. Christmas Carols from Winchester Cathedral

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From Classic FM: “Because nothing says Christmas like identical twin choirboys and a candle the size of a grandfather clock.”

Featuring 2 choir boys and a towering candle.

10. The Cousins: The Cousins Celebrate Xmas.

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The guy’s like “Wow, just what I always wanted.” While the other guys are like, “Not exactly what I expected. But hey, he seems to like it.”

Here Santa presents one of them with a brand new electric guitar.

11.  Ernest Borgnine with the Brinton Maridon Orchestra: The Nine Days of Christmas

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Besides, before he won an Academy Award for Marty, Ernest Borgnine was best known for beating Frank Sinatra to death in From Here to Eternity. Also, his smiling expression is kind of creepy.

For some reason Ernest Borgnine doesn’t strike me as having a good singing voice.

12. Garth Brooks & Trisha Yearwood: Christmas Together

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Apparently, Garth seems like he’s terrified by his singing partner Trisha. While Trisha probably has a skeleton collection in her walk-in closet. Wait a minute, those two are married?

I can see the expression on Garth Brooks’ face silently screaming “Help me!”

13. Herb Alpert: The Christmas Wish with Symphony and Choir

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For a man as legendary as Herb Alpert, you’d think he wouldn’t need to work as a mall Santa. Then again, maybe he just does it for amusement.

To supplement his income during the holiday season, the legendary Herb Alpert fills in part-time as a mall Santa.

14. Hurra Por Santa Claus!

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By the way, the movie was a stupid as you expect. Still, you can’t help but laugh at Santa riding a rocket between his legs.

From the motion picture Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

15. The Kingston Trio: The Last Month of the Year

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From Music Radar: “The clean-cut folk trio pictured committing typically chirpy group suicide by electrocution following the release of their 1960 seasonal release.”

Guess who’s come with presents?

16. Mae West: Wild Christmas

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Well, Mae West was always an attractive woman. But Santa seems a bit more than attracted to her.

Boy, Mrs. Claus is gonna be pissed.

17. Chris Farren: Like a Gift from God or Whatever

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Still, it doesn’t help that he’s wearing a Christmas wreath around his face. Seriously, that just looks really dumb.

Apparently, this man has a rather high opinion about Christmas or himself.

18. Michala Petri: Noel! Noel! Noel!: Christmas with Michala Petri

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Seriously, what the hell are those boys wearing? Because those outfits seem straight from a Transylvanian castle.

Featuring the sons of Dracula.

19. Robert Alagna: The Christmas Album

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From Classic FM: “Looks like Michael Bolton’s hair and his mum’s gloves were on the Christmas list this year. Season’s greetings, Roberto!”

Here he is out in the snow wearing a fur coat.

20. Olgay Tony: Santa Claus a Go Go

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Didn’t he could wear a polo shirt and an ascot tie. Like he’s some rich jerk at a polo match.

Since when did Santa get so thin and casual?

21. The Gantvoort Twins: The Gantvoort Twins Sing Christmas Carols

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Then again, they might be playing music to muffle their discussion about what to do with Gladys. Because Gladys needs to pay for what she did.

Am I seeing double at the record player?

22. Jan Gorussen: Prettice Kerstdagen

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Though while Santa may enjoy a polka now and then, the reindeer have gotten spastic over it. But Santa doesn’t care.

Featuring Santa Claus playing the accordion.

23. More Christmas Disco

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I know this was released during the 1970s. But do you think I’d want to be dancing to disco versions of Christmas songs? No.

You mean there’s more disco Christmas music?

24. Redneck Christmas

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Guess someone’s been driving his sleigh too many times under the influence. Yet, how were police to know?

Okay, what did Santa do now?

25. Billy Idol: Happy Holidays

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Aside playing piano in a hotel lounge, Billy Idol also works as a bouncer at a nearby bar. So don’t mess with him. Or he’ll beat you to a pulp.

1980s sensation Billy Idol is here to make your season bright.

26. Phillips 66 Present Tijuana Christmas

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Does it actually snow in Tijuana? Of course, not since their winters are comparatively mild. Also, what’s Santa doing in the back seat?

I’m sure they’re not driving through Tijuana.

27. The Three Stooges: Christmas Time with the Three Stooges

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What the hell are Curly and Moe doing to Larry? From how they’ve put him in a time machine, he’s probably history.

Something tells me spending Christmas with them isn’t exactly a blast.

28. Na Er Det Jul Igen

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Santa is creepy enough. But the elf trolls make the Elf on the Shelf look like a bunny rabbit since they’re simply terrifying.

Featuring Santa and his elves from your nightmares.

29. Tweenies: The Christmas Album

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I don’t know who they are. But I think they’re a British knock off of Sesame Street. Yet, they don’t seem to have any of the warmth or charm.

Featuring puppets singing Christmas songs and their dog.

30. Mariah Carey: Merry Christmas II You

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Don’t look now. But I think the snowman likes what he sees of Mariah Carey from behind.

You can bet a rendition of “All I Want for Christmas Is You” is on the track listings somewhere.

31. Little Steven’s Underground Garage: Christmas a Go Go

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Also, what’s the deal with Rudolph’s head on Santa’s motorcycle? Seriously, that’s just fucked up.

What the hell is Santa on?

32. Cliff Richard: Christmas with Cliff Richard 1968

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Look, I know this album came out in the 1960s. But this cover seems like something that’s designed from a Microsoft print shop program from the 2000s.

Apparently, his album design crew was on a budget.

33. Curt Davis: Something New for Christmas

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Though he kind of reminds you of your jerkass boss who’d send you a Jelly of the Month Club membership instead of an actual bonus. Also, his sweater’s kind of tacky.

Wonder what he’d want from Santa.

34. Wurlitzer Christmas

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From Classic FM: “Two disturbing things: the ghostly image of Santa’s slippers (are they slippers, actually?) on the pedals, and the fact that someone has made a Wurlitzer Christmas album.”

Presenting all your Christmas favorites on keyboard organ.

35. Christmas Eve with Colonel Sanders

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Seems like he has visions of fried chicken dance in his head. Too bad he’s been behind a lot of heart attacks of the decades.

Apparently, the Colonel has fallen asleep near the fireside.

36. Yellowman: A Very, Very Yellow Christmas

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Essentially, a yellow Christmas is a white Christmas. Except that you realize that local animals have been using your yard as a toilet.

Quick, someone tell him what a “yellow Christmas” actually means.

37. Pentatonix: That’s Christmas to Me

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From The Things: “The album cover to Pentatonix’s “That’s Christmas To Me” is one of two things. It’s either trying too hard to look like a candid we’re-all-having-a-great-time-and-love-being-around-each-other photo, or this is how these people exist in real life. And that’s something we’ve never seen before.”

When you smile for the photo for the 100th time and just want to leave.

38. Lee Greenwood: Christmas to Christmas

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From The Things: “What’s awkward about this Christmas album cover, besides the unearned pose, is that the fire seems inexplicably fake, his sweater (or sweatshirt?) looks a little too big, and you just can’t stop looking at his Christmas package.”

You know the guy who sang the cheesy “I’m Proud to Be an American” that will drive you up a wall on the 4th of July? Apparently, he has a Christmas album.

39. We Wish You a Hairy Christmas

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From The Things: “What’s awkward about this holiday album cover is not the adult-film-star-looking model, but what is surrounding her. The giant prop candy cane is all well and good, but over her right shoulder stands the head of a deer, a reindeer perhaps, staring blankly outward. One of its antlers, curiously enough, looks like a knife stabbing the poor creature in the head. It could easily be a trick of optics, but the fact remains that the deer simply doesn’t need to be there.”

Presenting a scantily clad model in front of a deer head.

40. A Nostalgic Merry Christmas to You

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From The Things: “Is this awkward Christmas album cover really supposed to make people nostalgic for Christmas? I get that it sparks the memory and majesty of opening presents on Christmas morning, but we can’t relate to this one bit. I’ve never seen parents that get THIS done up for Christmas morning. And look! Those kids are somehow dressed, too. What IS this nonsense?!?! Did they go to sleep in those clothes? Because no kid waits to get dressed on Christmas before tearing maniacally through presents from Santa. Maybe they’re on their way to church? Or they have brunch plans with the National Insurance League? Whatever the concept is, a family this cleaned up on Christmas morning is a total lie.”

Yes, listen to the songs of Christmas when families would dress in church attire before opening their gifts on Christmas morning.

41. Travis Tritt: A Travis Tritt Christmas: Loving Time of the Year

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From One Country: ” Christmas should be simple. But, this is anything but. Also, there’s a cartoon band with a dog on this album cover, plus a real Travis Tritt? All of the things are happening here.”

Apparently, Travis hasn’t been seen outside cartoonland for years.

42. Clint Black: Looking for Christmas

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From One Country: “Poor Clint just out in the snow look for Christmas by the glow of one small candle. Do you think he found it? Why a candle instead of a flashlight? What about a map? Or perhaps, a calendar?”

Though it’s hard to say whether he’s having any luck finding it.

43. Ronnie Milsap: Christmas with Ronnie Milsap

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From One Country: “At first glance Christmas with Ronnie Milsap looks like a blast. But, the second, third, fourth and 27th glances offer different opinions.”

Nothing says Christmas like rising out of the jack-in-a-box and scaring the crap out of everybody.

44. Joe Diffie: Mr. Christmas

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From One Country: “I want this to be a Hallmark movie so bad– ‘Joe Diffie is Mr. Christmas, this Saturday at 8.'”

Available at a 1980s cowboy bar or trailer park near y