The Dark Scary World of Vintage Halloween Costumes (Fifth Edition)

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For some mysterious reason, old vintage Halloween pictures seem to be a lot creepier for some reason. Maybe it’s the black and white photography. Maybe it’s how the costumes were made. Maybe it’s their conception of scary. I don’t know. Still, when you look at them, they’re bound to freak you out and give you nightmares for weeks to come. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of nightmarish vintage Halloween costumes. Sweet dreams.

  1.  She’s all dressed in ready for the spiderweb ball.
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So is this how they dressed for Halloween during the 18th century? Or did people during the 18th century not celebrate it?

2. Now, everyone, smile for the camera.

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Man, I don’t think the guy dressed as a Native American would fly today. Also, some of the masks are quite terrifying.

3. I’m sure this witch is kind to her animals.

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Yet, I’m not exactly sure by the grin on her face. Also, that cat looks like it’s stuffed.

4. The kitchen staff can be such animals.

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Okay, I don’t want to go in there. For all I know they could be cooking some of Hannibal Lecter’s best known recipes.

5. We all have our bad hair days.

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Yet, she could use a full-on makeover. Then again, witches don’t care much about their looks, anyway.

6. Even a ghostly skeleton seeks to pick up chicks.

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I’m sure this version of Ghost doesn’t contain the iconic pottery wheel scene. In fact, I don’t think they’ll be making love to “Unchained Melody” anytime soon either.

7. You’d think this lady was batty.

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Yes, she’s in a sexy bat costume. But her dress doesn’t make much sense to me, save for fanservice.

8. Perhaps buying your costume isn’t as great as it seems.

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Yeah, the masks look kind creep thanks to black and white photography. Still, the one with the leopard print doesn’t seem to have a face.

9. Want to dress as a sexy ghost? Just put a white bag on your head.

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You could never pull this kind of costume in PA. Mainly because the weather’s under 50 degrees by this point.

10. May I present to you the 19th century version of the Village People.

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As you can see, they’re not exactly a lively bunch. In fact, they seem more likely to kill you in your sleep.

11. What a couple of babies.

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Okay, these two look too big to be babies. Yet, their masks can just scare the living shit out of you.

12. You might fly with these Peter Pan costumes.

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These are actually really terrifying. And it really says a lot since Peter Pan is an incredibly creepy movie.

13. Here you see Spiderman and Batman hang out with Colonel Sanders.

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What a way to show a good example to kids, superheroes. Of course, masked vigilantism doesn’t help either.

14. How about you hang near the car?

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That duck mask is frightening. Then again, the chicken mask may even be scarier.

15. Hope the trick-or-treaters can make themselves comfortable.

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Okay, those vintage costumes are actually scarier in color. Even in regards to Princess Aurora, Casper, and Snoopy.

16. These kids are just resting on the grass.

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These masks are incredibly terrifying. Don’t look now, but I think these kids are devising ways to kill neighbors who don’t give them candy.

17. Have fun trick-or-treating, kids.

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Apparently, someone managed to make Spiderman and the Lone Ranger scary. While the Wolf man seems kind of lame.

18. That’s an odd looking giraffe.

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Since the giraffe is made out of paper. Still, wonder how the girl can see in it.

19. Beware of the chicken boy.

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I don’t know why the kid just stick around transfixed on the chicken. When the girl should be running away screaming for her dear life.

20. These two are just walking the street on their Halloween haunt.

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The witch seems like she’s wearing Groucho Marx glasses without the mustache. But it should be the ghost that really scares us.

21. You might want to get away from the monster behind you.

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That’s Frankenstein’s monster attacking that boy. And I’m sure the boy might need another pair of pants.

22. Sorry to crash a medieval plague doctors meeting.

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Since they’re all wearing bird masks and cloaks. Still, if it was the 1300s, we’d wonder how many of them will be left next year.

23. You’d think this is an odd-looking bird.

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Well, it’s a cardboard costume. But it kind of looks eerie in black and white photography.

24. Beware of the little red devil.

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I’m sure this kid is all right. But the costume makes him seem like a little terror out of hell.

25. A mother sits with her strangely dressed children.

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Two of them are supposed to be dwarfs, I think. One’s a cowboy. And one’s the Monopoly Man. But all seem rather dead inside.

26. This woman just wears a dress, mask, and cone hat.

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Wearing that, you’d think she was on her way to a cult meeting. But she has a pumpkin on her dress.

27. These four just hang around the front door.

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But look at their masks and you don’t want them in your house. Seriously, they make Freddy Krueger look like a character on Sesame Street.

28. You wouldn’t want to run into this little clown at night.

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Wonder if this is a childhood photo of Pennywise the Clown. I mean he had to be a child somehow.

29. Here a ghost emerges from the bushes.

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Let’s hope he didn’t make it from some Klan robe. Because they were a thing back in the Gilded Age and 1920s.

30. This doesn’t seem like a fun Halloween party.

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Consists of a scary clown and two very offensive stereotypes. For God’s sake it was the early 1900s. Times were really racist.

31. Well, this seems like a strange horse race.

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Yes, you see people sharing horse costumes. One guy has very little legs like Lord Farquad.

32. Don’t hitch a ride with these masked men.

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Since they’ll take you to an undisclosed location. Then they’ll kill you and rip you to pieces.

33. Who knows what this clown will do to these two women.

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Yeah, I get that he’s wearing a tall hat. But I think after this picture was taken, the two women were never seen again.

34. The skull person is within the living room.

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Indeed, they’re not scaring anyone. But in time, they will chase teenagers with a knife once it gets dark.

35. Each trick-or-treater shall receive a large pumpkin bag.

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The devil and Raggedy Ann masks will haunt your dreams. The cat, not so much.

36. Sometimes a white mask is all you need.

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She’s even on roller skates. That means she can go after you with a knife faster. Except on the stairs.

37. Are those kids or ventriloquist dummies?

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Well, they could be kids wearing masks. Yet, they don’t really seem very lifelike to me. Something’s off here.

38. The light’s quite misty, isn’t it?

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One of the revelers reminds me of an undead muppet. Another has a rather creepy clown face.

39. Apparently, someone’s fallen into a creepy cult ritual.

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These women wear dresses with markings on them. But they must dance around two virgins before they sacrifice them to their blood hungry god.

40. A witch stands with her cat.

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She seems rather lonely. Mostly because everyone’s frightened of her. And her cat’s plush, I think.

41. These two seem like a rather odd couple.

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One wears a mask with make while looking dashing in a top hat and coat. The other wears a mask and a dress.

42. Here’s a friendly guy you’d meet in the park.

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Kind of reminds me of the guy kicked off The Muppet Show. Since he often gave kids candy from his windowless van. Or so I heard.

43. Care to see the clown in the corner?

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On second thought, I’ll pass on that one. Don’t want to be found near the river with an ax in my back.

44. Don’t you ever refuse to give these kids candy.

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Because if you do, they will kill you. Even if you honestly ran out, they will still slay you. So please have candy ready for them.

45. Sandra finds romance on Planet of the Apes.

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“Come to me, you damn dirty ape. Send me to your monkey bar sex dungeon.”

46. Don’t you dare cross this masked maid.

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Mess with her and she’ll make sure you pay with your life. And she’ll make you pay.

47. You might enjoy this jolly clown.

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Okay, this clown is terrifying. Avoid him like the plague if you value your life.

48.  You’d swear you’ve seen these trick-or-treaters from space.

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These costumes are quite frightening. Yet, the astronaut has to wear a rocket shaped mask for some reason.

49. “Come and play with us, Danny.”

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Those princess masks are guaranteed to give you nightmares. Will certainly haunt your dreams.

50. Perhaps you might enjoy a couple of sisters.

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One doesn’t pretend not to care. The other’s thinking about skinning the neighbor’s cat.

51. Make sure your stick matches your masks.

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Though each one is just as scary. And the kids in the back certainly know it.

52. Looks like the Turnip ghost caused some scares.

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The woman is freaking out. The guy is splayed on the floor. Wonder if this is some horror cosplay scene.

53. Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you can’t be Batman.

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Well, she’s an early incarnation of Batwoman. But what am I kidding? Batman wasn’t around yet.

54. Well, we’ve got a couple of lone rangers.

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Actually, one’s supposed to be Zorro. But they will strike if not given candy for trick-or-treating.

55. “Won’t you come and spoon with me?”

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Oh, hell no. For God’s sake I’m not that desperate for cuddles.

56.  “I’m just a little school girl.”

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I don’t know about you. But that’s a dude who looks like a lady to me. Possible ancestor of Steve Tyler from Aerosmith.

57. “Get off my lawn, you brats!”

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For if you don’t, he’ll run you down and cut you up in his basement. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

58. Watch out for the locker room ghosts.

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Of course, they probably didn’t have the time and resources for a full sheet. So they used pillow cases instead. One even has a black bag.

59. “I shall call him, Mini Me.”

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These two wear the same cone black hats. The smaller boy is pure evil.

60. I give you, the Elephant Man.

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Okay, that’s kind of insensitive. Joseph Merrick deserves more dignity than that. Then again, he probably doesn’t know anything about Merrick.

61. Send in the big clowns.

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On second thought, do clowns really need to be inflated. That just makes them scarier.

62. “Are you comfortable, madam?”

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This mouse seems rather hospitable to that girl. Don’t really want to what kind of relationship they have.

63. “Let’s just watch that house burn.”

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These masks are so terrifying even if they’re supposed to be dolls and clowns. And I’m sure they just set a house on fire.

64. Clown or space alien? You decide.

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Actually, she’s probably dressed like a clown. But her tall hat totally seems like it’s from another planet.

65. These two always stick together.

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Mostly because they’re dressed as co-join twins. They do a lot together, including murder.

66. “Want to join us at the farm?”

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They’re all decked in their pajamas like they’re having a slumber party. Though I’ll pass on this one.

67. This black cat lingers in the alley.

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Sure they may look scary. But the 2019 trailer to Cats just makes it look tame in comparison.

68. Hello boys and girls, it’s Beppo the clown.

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For God’s sake, kill this infernal creature with fire. Before he kills somebody or gets in a daycare center.

69. Don’t want to run into these monsters even on a good day.

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They’re just kids in Halloween costumes. But the masks are simply spooky.

70. Don’t mess with these clown ladies.

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Mock their circus act and I swear they will rain fire and terror on you. Or they’ll just kill you in your sleep.

71. Skull girl just loves hanging among the flowers.

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Hey, at least she’s not Rhoda from the Bad Seed. She wouldn’t kill anyone for trivial stuff like a penmanship award. But she will if you mess with her.

72. Why so sad, scarecrow?

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Guy looks like a sagging and depressed muppet. And with bad fashion sense.

73. This witch is awfully fond of these little girls.

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Wonder if that witch is in costume. But she shows eyes of ill intent.

74. Care for some clandestine greenhouse ritual?

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The kids seem like they’re dressed in their pajamas. The mom’s dressed as a witch.

75. Here’s a still from the new Joker movie.

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Well, that might be a little too early. But I’m sure he’ll grow up to be an unstable psychopath nonetheless.

76. Pretty short to have mustaches, don’t you think?

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One’s wearing a dress to indicate she’s clearly a girl. But these two seem like they’re silently judging you in those creepy masks.

77. “Here’s Toodles!”

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Seeing that clown hovering over that family sends shivers down my spine. Also, is he holding a gun?

78. “I just came here to pick up a few things like your soul.”

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I can understand why that girl’s screaming. Still, kind of way too young for this Faustian bargain thing. I think there should be an age of consent for that.

79. Got you 4 little devils in a row.

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They’re even all holding masks. But come midnight, they will wreak havoc on a murder spree.

80. These robots come from another galaxy.

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But mess with them, they’re bound to exterminate you. They also have great fashion sense.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Seventh Edition)

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Now that we’re past Martin Luther King Day, we come to Valentine’s Day. Of course, this involves many people to exchange valentines. Kids give theirs to classmates. Adults give them to their sweethearts. Of course, you’ll find plenty of motifs on them like sentiments of heartfelt love, hearts, Cupid, and other images. Yet, there are some old valentines out there that defy explanation. Some that have cutesy images but suggestive puns. And those that surely wouldn’t fly nowadays. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of terrible vintage Valentines.

  1. “To My Valentine: I believe in freedom of the press.”
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Let’s hope he asked for consent first. Still, the guy seems rather excited to embrace his girlfriend. Guess he can’t wait to get it on.

2. “I ‘mascara’ lot for you…”

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Meaning she likes you so much that she’ll apply tons of makeup to look like Tammy Faye Bakker. Or something like that.

3. This seems like a real sausage fest.

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Yeah, I know there’s a suggestive pun behind this. Yet, the girl seems to like what she sees.

4. This couple gives a whole new meaning to “tossed salad.”

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“Tossed salad” is a slang term relating to sex. Also, the carrot is the guy, obviously.

5. Any girl would like a cat who could play piano.

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But apparently, she’s hiding in the spinet. Kind of screwed up if you ask me.

6. Speaking of cats, this one’s throwing herself toward this boy.

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Yes, I know this is screwed up. But given the cat’s a giant who can tear the boy to pieces, I’m not sure how he’ll be able to say no.

7. Want to get your man? Lure him with treats.

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Not sure if the boy’s looking at her or the food. Also, she’s wearing a rather short skirt. Wonder why.

8. This firefighter cat’s burning for you.

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Apparently, he’s also got a rather suggestive stare going on like he’s hungry for something. And it’s not food. While he’s holding the hose over his shoulder.

9. “The future would appear so fine, if you would be my Valentine!”

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Is the boy using a telescope to look at the stars or stalking his sweetheart? If the latter, what the hell’s the girl doing beside him? I’d really like to know that.

10. “I need something permanent – It might as well be you!”

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Okay, the message isn’t too bad. But considering we live in the 21st century, this hasn’t aged well. Sure she’s getting her hair done. But such contraption has been used for sinister purposes in a lot of science fiction more times than I can count.

11. “Who wouldn’t BLOW a guy like you, my valentine.”

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The word “blow” has several meanings. But in this context, it could either mean “kiss,” or a “blow job.” Wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the latter.

12. This wolf is only hungry for love.

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Yes, he’s certainly well-dressed. But despite that male wolves mate for life and make great dads in the wild, being seen as a “wolf” in human society, isn’t really a compliment.

13. “I get a BANG out of you, valentine. Please be mine.”

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Yes, the message is suggestive. But the bear lighting a firecracker isn’t really a smart idea either.

14. Don’t bat about love to this witch.

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Cause if you do, she will put a curse on you that you might not be able to shake off. Also, she could turn you into a toad or simply kill you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

15. This hotdog is frankly crazy about his valentine.

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And yes, I’m sure it’s a guy. Because, hotdogs are also known as “wieners.” Nothing to suggest here. Not.

16. Man, Cupid can be very nasty with people’s hearts.

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Since he’s got a heart cooking over a camp fire. Hope he doesn’t intend to eat it later. Oh, wait, he’s munching on it right now.

17. “You’re a good egg! Hope you’ll be my valentine!”

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Yes, these are egg people with limbs. And yes, it’s kind of disturbing if you ask me. Hope they don’t end up scrambled.

18. This apple loves her valentine to the core.

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Of course, being a core means he was once an apple who’s been considerably eaten. But she loves him anyway.

19. If this wolf won’t be your valentine, he’ll blow your house down.

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Of course, being a core means he was once an apple who’s been considerably eaten. But she loves him anyway.

20. Train engineer has eyes for a certain passenger.

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Note how the girl’s showing her legs while sitting on her suitcase. Still, guy needs to keep his eyes on the track at all times.

21. A foxy guy knows what kind of catch you’d be.

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He seems to be looking through the weeds. Nothing creepy about that. Oh, wait, that’s basically stalking.

22. The Big Bad Wolf wants to be Little Red Riding Hood’s valentine.

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So basically the wolf breaking in her grandma’s house, eating her and wearing her clothes was a bad way to handle rejection. Seriously, this valentine is so messed up.

23. “I’m fit to be tied so….be my Valentine!”

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For one, cowboys and Indians weren’t a thing. Also, this valentine seems to make light of Indian atrocities, which is pretty disturbing.

24. “You’re a good skate, Valentine.”

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Though I’m sure any love between these 2 might be strongly one-sided. Given the guy wants to get the hell out. While the girl is like “what gives?”

25. A black girl reads the cards.

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Okay, she’s depicted in a rather offensive racist stereotype. Yeah, not exactly one you’d send to a black person.

26. “You’re just my speed, BIG BOY, an’ I’m sure gonna hold on tight!”

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Girl’s giving a guy a rather suggestive look on that tricycle. Thus, giving the message a rather dirty double meaning.

27. “You’re the model for me. Be my Valentine.”

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This one seems to defy all sense of logic. The frames are hollow. While the painter has a paintbrush like he’s about to paint. How’s that possible?

28. “I aim to tame you, Valentine!”

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Granted, he’s a lion tamer. Yet, he’s got a whip with him. Either he’s using that to subdue his love or he’s into BDSM. Please let it be the latter.

29. “I’d like to haunt you, Valentine.”

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Though this seems less like you’d see in Ghost, and more like you’d see in Harry Potter when Moaning Myrtle shows up. But without the bathroom fixtures in the background.

30. This bear isn’t a bad skate, is he?

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Yet, note that the ice isn’t very sturdy since there’s a hole somewhere. Only a matter of time till the bear falls in.

31. “Warm the ‘COCKLES’ of my heart by being my valentine.”

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The worm seems to have a human face as a rooster towers over it. Not happy where this is heading.

32. “Let’s strike up a match, Valentine!”

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Keep in mind, they’ll probably burn to a crisp. Not to mention, all the other matches in the packet.

33. “To my Valentine, say Yes.”

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Cupid’s whispering in the woman’s ear. While the guy’s looking at the woman’s back and thinking, “Dat ass.” Though I’m sure she’s got her bustle on.

34. “My heart is like a time bomb…”

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Basically ready to burst at any minute. Man, you need to see a doctor. Or the bomb squad.

35. “I’m MUD about you, Valentine!”

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This one just has a flower over a smiling puddle of mud. Not sure how they conduct their relationship.

36. You’d have to have good luck with one’s valentine.

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Yet, getting hit on the head by a giant horseshoe, not so much. Seriously, you might want to see a doctor about that.

37. She’s so cute even the flies love her.

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To be fair, she’s holding toast spread with jelly. Still, you don’t want to attract flies in any capacity.

38. No one likes me. Well, I’ll just eat worms.

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How the hell is this a valentine? Also, who the hell eats worms? That’s disgusting.

39. One’s valentine is the light of their life.

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Here the cat has a pack of matches and a cigarette. Great way to be a good example to the kids. Not.

40. You’d think Bon Jovi received this valentine.

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This one has an arrow through a pillow. And yet, it looks as if it’s bleeding. What the hell?

41. “Picking on you to be my valentine.”

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That doesn’t seem to be a good message. Also, the monkey imagery doesn’t seem to help much. Since they fling feces at each other.

42. “I’ll slave for you, Valentine.”

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Sad how they make a guy willing to do all the chores as a pathetic loser. But to me, it’s an offer worth considering.

43. Lixie loves her candy sticks.

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Though I wonder if she likes something else. Given her suggestive grin at those sticks.

44. He’d like his valentine as a steady diet.

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I understand he wants her as his valentine. But the message can also be suggestive of cannibalism in another point of view.

45. He wants to cement his love.

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Yet, he comes with a mixer. Kind of driving the point too close to home. Seriously, we associate cement with Jimmy Hoffa and the mafia for God’s sake.

46. Don’t mind the jerk at the soda counter.

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The soda jerk guy kind of reminds me of a creepy doll in some horror movie. The girl seems like she’s not wanting his attention either.

47. We go together like leeks and fish.

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Kind of a rather odd pairing. But as long as they have a good relationship, who’s stopping them.

48. “To my Pin-Up Valentine.”

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This alien seems like he’s got some ill intent on his mind. Doesn’t help he’s got gold ears that resemble car horns.

49. Condiment vegetables always belong together.

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Take pickles and cucumbers. Though the pickle is the guy for obvious reasons we best not get into.

50. This cat always prefer girls with cute curls.

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Yeah, I know it seems rather strange. Nonetheless, the girl’s wearing a skimpy outfit and the cat seems to like what he sees. Or is it a dog?

Make a Wish and Blow Out the Candles with These Birthday Party Cakes (Sixth Edition)

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On January 13 this year I will turn 30 which makes me a bit on edge. On one hand, I get presents and have a special day all about me. On the other hand, I feel like I haven’t accomplished much as I should by this point in my life. Anyway, I decided to dedicate it the way I usually do with a bad birthday cake post featuring some really terrible disasters from Cake Wrecks. Now when you go to a bakery, you expect that everything is made to your specification. But since we have sites like Cake Wrecks, this doesn’t always go that way. Since the cake decorators aren’t going to be from some prestigious cake decorating academy. And some don’t even know how to follow directions. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of birthday cakes gone wrong.

  1.  There’s something wrong with the girl’s hand.
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Because the thumbs look quite different. Also, that doesn’t look like a 6-year-old girl to me for some reason.

2. When they draw a tooth, you draw a tooth.

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Don’t just write it in multi-colored icing. But did the cake decorator listen? No.

3. When you have a cupcake cake, put the phrases in different bubbles.

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Because if you write across, the saying may look like this. And let’s just say, it’s kind of off so to speak.

4. It’s supposed to say, “When you’re 64.”

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But instead it says, “un.” Yeah, that doesn’t make sense the least bit.

5. A clown cake is always great for a kid’s party.

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Okay, more appropriate for a kid’s Halloween party. Also, does that clown look dead to you? Seriously, it’s creepy.

6. Well, he got a big 2.

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Yet, it’s on top of some green icing. Nobody knows what it says to this day.

7. Yes, it’s someone’s birthday all right.

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Though I don’t know what the hell this figure’s doing on here. Is there a Sesame Street muppet I don’t know about?

8. Apparently, this family doesn’t make gender an issue.

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Okay, we know Jeff is a boy. The icing is in blue. Also, Jeff is a boy’s name. Seriously, I have 2 uncles by that name.

9. Feel free to customize this birthday cake.

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Uh, isn’t that supposed to be the bakery’s job? Don’t they have a special design program for that? Just asking because I know they put photos on cakes somehow.

10. No girl is ever too old to be a Disney princess.

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But 70 is kind of pushing it. Then again, it her birthday. She can have any cake she wants. If she wants Cinderella, fine.

11. Happy Birthday to a special boy.

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That basically all it says. Because we don’t really know the guy’s name.

12. Hope you enjoy your Birthcay, whoever you are.

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Yeah, “Birthday” is mispelled. Despite that spelling it isn’t that hard. Wonder why that is.

13. Apparently, bakeries don’t have spell check.

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“Birthday” is definitely spelled wrong. Yet, what is that name below? Kathy W or Natty W?

14. How do you say “Happy Birthday” in 3 languages?

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And apparently, this bakery doesn’t know any but English. Though they wrote the instructions.

15. Everyone seems to like bees nowadays.

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Oh my God, what the hell is that thing? Seriously, that looks more like a demon with bee stripes? And no, I’m not calling it Sting.

16. Mickey Mouse is always good for a baby’s first birthday cake.

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But this Mickey seems rather skeevy for some reason. Seriously, I don’t like the look in his eyes like he’s out for trouble.

17. Does this cake decorator have any idea about spacing?

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Seriously, the words are all together. Also, who the hell named their kid Prudy in the 1980s and 1990s?

18. Kung Fu Panda fans might enjoy this Po cake.

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Though this one doesn’t look anywhere near finished. Or part of the design ripped off. Either way, looks rather sad.

19. Perhaps anyone would like this 40th birthday cake.

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Make sure the words are in purple icing. As the cake says here.

20. Make sure you have “Happy Birthday” on both of these.

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Well, they delivered. But someone took the instructors way too literally.

21. Someone wanted a 1960’s hippie party theme.

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And what better than to have it on generic fruit cake. No tie dye, peace signs, or psychedelic patterns whatsoever.

22. Guess this is Zack’s “Birday.”

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Yes, “Birthday” is mispelled again. Not sure why this keeps happening. Seriously, all bakeries should have spell-check.

23. Put on the “Happy Birthday Victory Song.”

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Apparently, this cake decoraor doesn’t know it. Despite the fact I’ve heard it my whole life. Also “Birthday” is misspelled.

24. Hope Kelley enjoys this cake.

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Okay it’s supposed to be Kelli? And I don’t think it’s supposed to include an eye. Yeah, someone messed up here.

25. A plain grass cake will always do.

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Then again, this seems more like an abandoned pavement theme. Why anyone would want that, I don’t know.

26. Happy Birthday to one red hot mama.

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Okay, you don’t use the “th” when doing 21. Also, being a mom at 21 isn’t a thing to aspire to, no matter how sexy. God, this is disturbing.

27. I guess someone wanted a maritime themed cake.

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Instead, Mark got a garden carrot cake. Hope he doesn’t throw a tantrum. But at least the sea is written in.

28. A dino cake is perfect for a 1-year-old boy.

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But dino apocalypse cake, not so much. Seriously, these dinos can go extinct at any moment. The foliage already has died.

29. Someone’s turning 30.

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Yet, the 3 is on backwards. How is that possible? Seriously, does someone not know how numbers are written?

30. This ghosts wishes you a scary happy birthday.

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What’s that ghost holding? Is that shit? Is the ghost covered in shit? God, that’s disgusting.

31. Leshia wanted a Frozen cake.

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Okay, this cake was written sideways. So instead of a winter scene with a tree, it’s basically a winter scene revolving on a shit puddle. Given how the branches seem to resemble the stench.

32. You might like this Cars 1st birthday cake.

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But this one has too many car rings. Seriously, you can space them out more.

33. Is this supposed to be a boob cake?

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For one, the decorated doesn’t know how to draw a bra as you can see? Also, this is a very inappropriate cake for a 10-year-old girl.

34. Your Irish mom deserves a shamrock cake.

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And I don’t think this is a shamrock. Seriously, what the hell is that?

35. Don’t forget to add a clown hat.

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As this cake specifies. But the words in parentheses make that very clear.

36. Make sure you have the letters in the right color.

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Yes, it’s supposed to say, “Happy Birthday Tristan.” But in yellow. It’s written in black icing.

37. Some people might prefer a duck cake.

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And yes, the inscription is in purple icing. And yes, it’s as instructed.

38. Seems like Steven’s turning 4.

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But you wouldn’t know it from how is name’s spelled. Let’s hope he doesn’t know how to read. Oh wait, he might.

39. Perhaps a Barney cake could cheer you up.

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Okay, that doesn’t look like Barney. Just a giant purple lizard, which may not be a bad thing.

40. Golden Girls fans might enjoy this cake.

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Who the hell are these ladies? Because they sure as hell don’t look like Golden Girls. Seriously, what the hell?

41. Apparently, someone doesn’t know how to draw a playing card.

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To be fair, they asked for a King of Hearts card as it’s written. But that’s not what they got.

42. Don’t put candles on this cake.

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But did they really have to write it on there. Seriously, kind of creates an awkward situation with the customer.

43. “40 Begians forever getting.”

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Not sure what that means. Because it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

44. Teen girls back in the 2000’s would love a Twilight cake.

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Uh, Twilight’s not anime. Seriously, I don’t care for Twilight and even I know this.

45. Got to have a nice cake for one’s “Bathday.”

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Yes, that’s another misspelling of “Birthday.” Because bath days aren’t really that special for a cake.

46. Any little kid would adore a cake of Cookie Monster.

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Okay, this one is freaky. Seriously, that looks nothing like Cookie Monster. More like Grover with rabies.

47. A-Rod’s cookie cake is a pizza.

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Not that A-Rod. Still, a pepperoni pizza it does not resemble in the least. The red icing bits aren’t flat circles.

48. A lot of kids love a Minecraft cake.

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Not that A-Rod. Still, a pepperoni pizza it does not resemble in the least. The red icing bits aren’t flat circles.

49. A girl hunter might prefer a pink camo cake.

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Seems like someone didn’t know how to put them together. Hope my neighbors’ granddaughter never gets one like this.

50. You can see how many little girls want an Elsa birthday cake.

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Though I really don’t care for hat hair. Seriously, Elsa’s hair looks like it’s made from Cool-Whip. Doesn’t look good.

51. After 60, it all goes downhill.

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Yes, someone wrote that inscription while that cake’s upside down. So that’s why the balloons look like that.

52. A minion cake on the beach might be great for a kid’s party.

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Still, the beach the seems to have a rather phallic disposition. Hope the parents can get a laugh out of that.

53. A first birthday cake should always be simple.

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Yet, the balloons apparently resemble sperm. Sure it’s for a boy, but it’s pretty inappropriate.

54. Apparently, placement is the key.

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Okay, maybe not. But the cake can use some spell check. Also, it’s in pink icing.

55. Seems like you can find a birthday cake of Jabba the Hutt.

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Uh, Jabba doesn’t look like that. He’s much more disgusting. Also, can we rather have a cake where Leia strangles him with a chain? Since that’s far more satisfying.

56. Kids might enjoy a cake of SpongeBob SquarePants.

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What are those white cactus creatures doing here? Are they ghosts? Is SpongeBob’s ocean haunted? Oh, wait, this used to be a Halloween cake.

57. I guess this kid gets beat up in school all the time.

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I’m sure the kid’s name is Peter. But I hope this cake wasn’t for a kiddie party. Because he’ll never live it down.

58. I wonder who Sticks is.

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I’m they wanted “Happy Birthday” sticks on the cupcakes. But they got this instead for some reason.

59. All right, who’s Jocklyn?

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I’m sure it’s supposed to be “Jocelyn” or “Jacklyn.” Apparently, this decorator didn’t know which name to use. So we get this.

60. Always wish the birthday girl happiness.

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Yet, this one says, “Ha’ penis.” Let’s hope she’s not a lesbian for obvious reasons.

61. Kerri wanted a Mercedes cake.

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Well, this doesn’t resemble the logo. More like an unfinished peace sign. Yeah, you have to have the slices be all equal and in silver.

62. Hello Kitty is always a popular choice.

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But this more or less resembles a melted snowman with spray paint. Not the Japanese cartoon icon.

63. Donald thinks dragons are cool.

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This dragon looks pretty lame since it doesn’t dazzle with ferocity. More like a snake with spikes.

64. Of course, people can sometimes forget your birthday.

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Guess this is a workplace. Still, did anyone have to rub it in their face that nobody cared about their birthday? Seems kind of mean-spirited.

65. Kind of a frilly birthday cake for a guy named Bob.

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Actually, it’s supposed to say, “Mom.” Yeah, someone really screwed up here.

66. So how old is Dad supposed to be?

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Because I don’t think he’s 10. Unless the people buying this cake are his pets or toys. Seriously, why?

67. Ranger Bud Yee Haw has a thing for flowers.

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Actually that’s a leftover Easter cake made into a birthday one. But the inscription is kind of hilarious. Also, this was supposed to be cowboy-themed.

68. Got to know where to put the words.

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You can see words, “On the top” and “Below.” Kind of ruins the effect, doesn’t it?

69. This Flash themed cake is rather minimalistic.

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This one has a lightning bolt slicing the name Connor. Nothing else.

70. Perhaps a young girl would like a butterfly cake.

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Okay, the butterfly body resembles a turd. Let’s hope the little birthday girl doesn’t notice.

71. Nothing like a cake celebrating your legal eligibility.

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Actually the age of consent is 18. Still, this kind of gives a rather disturbing vibe. Seriously, what the fuck?

72. Arthur wanted a Mercedes Benz cake for his birthday.

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Now this is the kind of 60’s hippie party cake I’m talking about. Okay, the logos don’t quite look like peace signs. Yet, it’s probably not what this guy wanted.

73. Someone wanted a My Little Pony cake.

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And they didn’t get what they wanted. Since this cake just says, “My Little Pony.”

74. How about a birthday cake text exchange?

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Seriously, is this really necessary? What if it says anything embarrassing?

75. Any boy would love an Avengers birthday cake.

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What are Iron Man and Captain America doing with Jes- wait, that’s supposed to be Thor? Still, it looks like something a kid would draw.

76. How about a Batman cake?

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This one features a sad Batman with a weight problem. His hands are unusually large for his arms as well.

77. Best birthday wishes to Alex.

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Not sure what this is supposed to be. But it resembles a turd floating in the ocean.

78. Any girl would enjoy a unicorn cake.

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Yes, one with a long, stiff, and erect horn. Okay, the horn just seems rather phallic for some reason. Like it can double as a dildo.

79. Curt is 8 by the way.

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However, this one doesn’t necessarily say “Curt.” I’m sure the kid will have a lot of questions on that special C-word that’s an insulting slang term for female genitalia.

80. Everyone must love a Star Wars cake.

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Okay, this message isn’t really seem appropriate to a Star Wars fan. Also, the kid’s supposed to be 6. Why?

Letter to Democratic Lawmakers and Candidates

Dear Democratic National Committee, Current US Senators and Representatives along with congressional Candidates, and Presidential Primary Contenders:

I am a 29-year-old woman living in a rural enclave in the Greater Pittsburgh metropolitan area. Though I occasionally work a temp job now and then, I’ve spent most of my time since my college graduation unemployed yet out of the jobs I have, I’ve never managed to make enough money to support myself. I have a blog, write articles for a magazine for adults on the autism spectrum, and whatever novel or screenplay I’m currently writing. Despite that I’ve made some money off it, it’s not enough to leave my parents’ house and set off on my own in an area with mass transit. Yet, thanks to my Medicaid coverage, my parents’ generosity, and the good health God has given me, I can pursue my writing, save my money, and not have to constantly worry when and where my next paycheck will be.

But I know that life can’t last forever. My parents will die someday. I could get deathly ill or hit by a bus. And eventually I’ll have to move out and get a job that sustains my means. Yet, regardless what happens, I want to keep my reliable Medicaid coverage regardless of how much money I make. But under our shitty for-profit system, I worry about having to switch to private employer coverage which isn’t as good and possibly coming down with a serious or grievous injury and having my life financially ruined by medical debt. I don’t want any of that to happen to me. And I don’t think it should in America. For I only wish to lead my life on my own terms. And I want my healthcare to be the same way. So I am doing everything in my power to make sure Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell, and the Republicans are voted out of power in 2020. And the fact Trump’s predicted to win reelection just terrifies me to my core that I write to you in desperation so this nightmare scenario won’t happen.

My fellow millennials and I are becoming increasingly unable to support ourselves because while our wages remain stagnant while everything gets significantly more expensive. This especially goes with healthcare. Many of us also find ourselves stuck in low income jobs that leave little room for advancement, unpredictable hours, and little agency over our lives. Some will remain in these shit jobs for the rest of their lives. And as an autistic woman who lives in rural Pennsylvania and doesn’t drive, I face multiple barriers finding any opportunities that suit my preference and provide any decent standard of living as well as ample time for me to write, which I’d rather do full-time anyway. Furthermore, when Obamacare repeal was on the table in 2017, I was constantly afraid of losing my Medicaid coverage and that fear hasn’t really gone away. Since Republicans keep challenging the Affordable Care Act with a new lawsuit aimed at stripping the whole law because the 2018 tax law cut out the individual mandate.

For my generation, the 2020 election isn’t just a fight for this nation’s soul but also a fight for our lives and our future. While you may have concerns of Medicare for All or any other healthcare plan, it can blow up the national deficit and still be a drop in the bucket compared to what Americans had to pay under the current system. For trillions of dollars under a Medicare for All plan is nothing compared to a healthcare system that’s cost us our homes, our jobs, our life savings, our hopes, our dreams, our ability to move up in society, our ability to do some basic tasks around the house, our freedom, our time, our careers, our children, our families, our marriages, our retirements, any possibility of financial stability, control of our own destinies, and for thousands of us, our lives. We can’t afford to pay that steep a price. Concerns for Medicare for All’s costs and how it’s paid for are perfectly legitimate, but it shouldn’t be the overwhelming reason why you don’t support it. For what matters more than Medicare for All’s costs are what our current for-profit healthcare system’s costing ordinary Americans as for-profit health insurance is increasingly becoming a scam product. Since even raising taxes to pay for such a system is nothing compared to how the parasitical for-profit healthcare industry’s drive for larger returns for their shareholders.

Therefore, I implore you that regardless who wins their primaries in the 2020 Election that come 2021, each Democratic candidate and current federal elected office holder will pledge that they’ll call for, sponsor, and support legislation guaranteeing all persons living in the United States access to healthcare as a fundamental legal and civil right. Thus, providing the legal framework that anyone in America is deserving of healthcare regardless of who they are, whether and what they do for a living, how much money they make, what health insurance they have, or whether their workplace provides any form of health benefits.

But given that Democrats have differing opinions on what “healthcare is a right” may mean, let me elaborate. While I strongly support Medicare for All, I understand that not all Democratic politicians may agree with me. But I know full well that though we may not share the same vision on healthcare policy, that despite our competing plans and ideas, we all believe that healthcare is a right and by that, we must at least mean the following under the current system:

All future healthcare policy decisions must put the American people’s interests first.

All private health insurance plans must cover at least 95% of all costs related to premiums, deductibles, co-pays, and out of pocket expenses. They all must offer the same coverage as state Medicaid programs, Obamacare exchanges, and Medicare or better. And they all must include dental and vision.

All employee health insurance plans must cost no more than 10% of a worker’s income in both premiums and deductible. And their costs can’t be raised by increasing the employees’ overall compensation.

Employers cannot change their employees’ health insurance coverage without their workers’ consent. That includes those with or without union representation. While most Americans have insurance through their employer, their bosses can change or drop their coverage without their input. This is not choice.

A single payer public option must be established and available to all. This can be Medicare for all, Medicaid, Medicare for all who want it, or something else. But it must offer the same coverage as state Medicaid programs, Obamacare exchanges, Medicare or better as well as include dental and vision. And must cover the costs of all uncompensated care at medical facilities. It must not have work requirements or require enrollees to take a drug test. Best paid for by a tax on capital gains, stock buybacks, and private equity investments. Since they’ve cost jobs and caused people to lose their healthcare, it’s only fair.

Medicare must be entirely single payer and cover at least 99% of all healthcare costs. And it must include dental and vision benefits.

Should the single payer public option be Medicaid, then the Medicaid expansion must be enacted in all states and US territories. (I know there was a Supreme Court ruling against this but I put people first. Not states.)

No health insurer can drop a patient’s coverage for any reason without their consent save for habitually not making payments without a legitimate excuse or criminal or fraudulent behavior.

Medicaid asset seizure must be banned.

All public and private health insurance plans must cover patients outside their region and state of residence. I once tried to get medication in Richmond, Virginia back in 2017 and neither pharmacy I went to accepted my coverage.

Surprise medical bills must be banned.

Open enrollment period for Obamacare exchange plans at Healthcare.gov must be extended to all year round. Furthermore, they must cost patients no more than 5% of their income in premiums and deductibles. Same goes for any private healthcare plan that’s on the individual market.

All hospital bills must amount to no more than $9,999 in overall out-of-pocket expenses to patients. That co-pays must not exceed $99. And that drugs and medical devices must cost patients no more than $999 out of pocket.

All privately insured patients must have access to medical debt protections, such as forgiveness. In other words, patients with outstanding medical debt must be protected from facing home foreclosure, eviction, arrest, lower credit scores, and loss of life savings. They may file for bankruptcy however.

Practices such as employee waiting periods, COBRA, Association Plans, high deductible plans, lifetime limits, preexisting condition exclusions, Medicare Advantage plans, and private supplemental health co-insurance must be banned.

Private insurance provider networks must be abolished. Thus, all private insurers must provide coverage to whoever the patient chooses.

Healthcare providers must accept all insurance plans. In other words, providers must not be able to discriminate which patient plans they accept and which they don’t.

Private equity firms must be banned from purchasing any form of property with a medical facility whether it be a hospital, medical center, medical practice, physical therapist, rehab center, or a pharmacy. So we won’t have an incident like what happened to Hahnemann.

Ban on stock buybacks for health insurers or any other public corporate entity affiliated in the medical industry.

No employer can terminate a worker for experiencing a life-threatening illness or injury of which they’re not directly responsible for.

Permit patients to sue their health insurer over unsustainable medical debt they cannot afford to pay as a civil rights violation.

Permit patients to sue their healthcare facilities and pharmaceutical and device companies for overcharging products and services as a civil rights violation.

A cap on health insurance executive compensation at $300,000, shareholder dividends at $500,000, and profits at $1 million per year.

All medical facilities must have price transparency so patients will know what they’re paying for when they seek healthcare services.

Healthcare executives must be criminally liable to a criminal felony for price gouging their products and services that should constitute at least a month in prison for abuse of power. Raising healthcare prices is an abuse of power that ruins people’s lives and should be dealt with accordingly.

What I list shouldn’t constitute as a plan per se but as a set of minimum criteria I’m willing to accept should a Medicare for All candidate not win the Democratic presidential nomination 2020. If it resembles such plan, then that’s because drafting a universal healthcare plan that’s not Medicare for All includes a ton of regulations. Nor does it follow any other economic philosophy other than that the healthcare industry must put the patient’s interests first in regard of paying for healthcare and that healthcare shouldn’t cost as much of a car to the average American family. The criteria list isn’t perfect nor will satisfy everyone. In fact, I don’t think it goes far enough. And many might not think these are achievable. But I list these points nonetheless because I think these are things all Democrats should agree upon regardless if they believe in Medicare for all, Medicare for all who want it, Obamacare Plus, or something else entirely. Even so, making healthcare a right should protect Americans’ access to medical care from Republican efforts to take down whatever system’s in place (though I’m not sure It’ll be able to hold off a court challenge).

While I may not have any healthcare industry experience beyond that as a patient and reading countless news horror stories, I am a 29-year-old female college graduate on the autism spectrum who knows that elections have consequences. And that should Donald Trump win reelection in 2020 as predicted, things will not get better. Rather, they will get much worse. Sure, Trump and the Republicans will promise to protect Americans’ healthcare from the scourge of liberal Socialism, but they have no intention to. And you can bet that should Trump and the Republicans sweep 2020, Obamacare repeal will be on the table again, healthcare prices will rise, less Americans will be able to get the medical care they need, and thousands more will die without it. If that happens, I will declare my healthcare a right and insist that society treat it that way, regardless of the policy on the matter. And I don’t care if I have to tear it all down. Because I’m tired of seeing my healthcare as something that can be taken away from me and as an American, I won’t tolerate that. After all, illness and injury don’t discriminate. Why should our healthcare system?

Yet, I also know that healthcare is an issue the Democrats can win on since it affects Americans’ lives and the fact Republicans have lost all credibility on the issue. Democratic politicians like US Representative Conor Lamb of Pennsylvania of whose special election to Congress I gladly participated in, Governor Andy Beshear of Kentucky, Virginia Governor Ralph Northam, and others wouldn’t have won their elections if they didn’t run on healthcare. The healthcare issue has also made Democrats more competitive in red districts, sometimes winning races no one thought possible. Though Democrats may not always have the same vision on healthcare, we can all agree that our current healthcare system isn’t providing affordable medical care for all Americans and that every American should be able to access healthcare without suffering some kind of financial catastrophe. And most of America agrees with that. To make healthcare a right will not only guarantee Americans some legal protection in regards to their medical treatment, it also sends a message that on healthcare policy, the federal government will put the American people’s interests over that of companies, hospitals, insurers, or any other entity. We can debate Medicare-for-All all we want during the primary season. But once the general election season kicks in, Republicans won’t care whether you support Medicare-for-All, Obamcare Plus, or any other plan meant to grant or improve healthcare coverage to millions of Americans.

Republicans may call what I believe and preach Socialism but I don’t give a damn. I have learned the lessons of Obamacare that while bipartisanism may be nice, we shouldn’t try to come to a compromise with them. This is especially the case if Republicans don’t intend to vote on the finished product and instead challenge it with lawsuits and repeal efforts, one of which would’ve become the law of the land if it wasn’t for the late US Senator John McCain. Besides, despite that Republican healthcare ideas only enjoy popularity in exclusive country clubs, corporate board rooms, and right-libertarian convention halls, they’re willing to instill them on Americans anyway. To ask a Republican to support measures ensuring healthcare access to all Americans will only end in a futile effort. Their idea that any form of universal healthcare is illegitimate and Un-American is extremely repugnant and revolting to me and I absolutely won’t stand for it. Hell, I could write to my congressman Guy Reschenthaler about making healthcare a legal and civil right but he’ll just leave my letter to him sitting unread in his inbox as he flees from concerned constituents requesting he just do his job and hold a townhall meeting once in a while. I’d be better off writing to Santa Claus. So I’d rather not waste my time and effort.

I don’t know what most Americans believe nor do I care. But I see my healthcare as a fundamental right which I intend to freely exercise as such and demand everyone else respect it whether society decides that or not. It’s up to you to decide as our representatives in government whether I end up in prison for insisting that society treat my healthcare on my terms should my Medicaid coverage be dropped for a more expensive but inferior plan. While many Americans may believe the same as I do on healthcare, what sets me apart is my headstrong nonconformity with aspects of our society that vehemently riles my bleeding Catholic heart. I am tired of being unable to change what we seemed to decide our healthcare system is as a society. Call me an entitled millennial brat all you want, but I will not spend this coming election season watching you grandstand your promises because I saw my dreams dashed before. And I will not let that happen again because I will have to live with next year’s election results, which for me can be a matter of life or death for all I know.

I can live with not getting my way in politics since as a progressive Catholic living in a red district, I’ve had to get used it. But I can’t live with not getting my way if it means having to put up 4 more years with people I don’t respect making decisions that could severely and adversely affect my life that I can’t do anything about. I no longer have patience for a parasitical for-profit corporate healthcare system run by profit-seeking shareholders and businessmen who’d screw cancer patients out of their life savings so they can buy their next superyacht. I can no longer put up with a fundamentally Un-American and oppressive healthcare system that wantonly discriminates against the poor. And I can no longer stand strangers who’d see me as a leeching freeloading Medicaid recipient mooching off the system despite that on some days, I work longer and harder than most folks.

Furthermore, if we want our country to remain a champion of liberty, equality, prosperity, and opportunity, Americans’ healthcare must be a right. If we want to honor the words and vision of the Founding Fathers to make sure all Americans have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, healthcare must be a right. If we want America to continue being a champion of human rights and live up to its democratic values and ideals, healthcare must be a right. If we want to make life affordable for most Americans and relieve our problems in society, healthcare must be a right. If we want to tackle the problems of the twenty-first century, healthcare must be a right. And if we want to keep the American dream alive, healthcare must be a right.

Merry Christmas from Our Family to Yours on Christmas Memories (Sixth Edition)

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This is me and my sister Molly in a Richmond restaurant during mid-December 2015. My parents and I were there for her graduation from VCU. Now she lives in Charlotte.

Christmas has always been a time for family and cherished memories. But unlike what you might see in the saccharine Hallmark movies that I try to avoid, life doesn’t always go that way. The big city career woman may go back to her hometown. But it’s very unlikely that she’ll meet a rugged man she’ll fall for, save a local Christmas tradition, and ditch her big city career and boyfriend for that guy. More likely, she’ll probably find people who never left her hometown hanging out at the local bar, some of them addicted to drugs, drinking like fishes, stuck in some low-income job, and/or dealing with some family dysfunction. The hunky guy she meets will probably be her ex she ditched for some good reason and he won’t be a hunk. There probably won’t be some Christmas tradition that needs saving. And she’ll definitely not ditch her whole life and move back to her hometown because women don’t do these things without much forethought. Or she’ll move back, settle down with the guy, and take a longer commute to work. Anyway for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of awkward family Christmas photos. Enjoy.

  1.  This year, these workers lay on top of each other.
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Indeed, they all smile in their Christmas glory. Though I don’t think you’d want to be the woman on the bottom.

2. Apparently, this dad doesn’t know how to hold his kid.

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For God’s sake man, don’t hold the baby that way. That just looks like you’re asking to be put on a sex offender list.

3. When everyone blinks at the camera at the same time.

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Then again, that might be part of the act. But it still seems pretty weird if you ask me.

4. Guess this Christmas dinner didn’t go well.

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Oh, there’s a hole in the wall. No wonder Christmas dinner sucked this year. The Griswolds these are not.

5. Someone’s obviously not going for the holiday cheer.

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Greta stood with her arms cross giving an eye of disapproval to her embarrassing parents. Knowing that she’ll be the class laughingstock if anyone from school saw this picture.

6. Unfortunately, Dad had been involved in a horrible accident this year.

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Let’s hope he didn’t fall off the roof while putting up Christmas lights. Because that would be pretty embarrassing as those shorts he’s wearing.

7. “Here’s your Christmas present, Lindsey.”

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Let’s hope it’s a new pair of jeans. Because she seems to have busted the ones she has on. Also, the guy’s wearing shorts.

8. Sledding in a winter wonderland.

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Looks like Dad’s acid is kicking in. The look on his face makes him seem like he’s tripping balls.

9. Merry Christmas from the 1980s.

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Boy looks like he doesn’t want his friends to know that his dad’s got a mullet. And he’s thinking why can’t he have a less tacky haircut like all the other dads.

10. “Smile for the camera.”

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Apparently, some of these people aren’t smiling. Or smiling rather awkwardly like they’re posing for a school group photo. Yes, you can go through a lot of takes with that.

11. Unfortunately, photoshop wasn’t invented yet.

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Since someone has their hand out in this photo. Surely the studio could’ve just edited out.

12. When family drama becomes too much.

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Apparently, you’ll see people retreating to the stairwell at many Christmas gatherings this year. Particularly when Donald Trump’s impeachment comes up.

13. Maybe a large group picture with Santa was a bad idea.

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This is especially if some kids are crying. Still, you have to admire Santa taking it in stride.

14. Getting kids to pose for a Christmas card photo must be tough.

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These kids are supposed to sit lined against each other. But none of them want to smile for the camera.

15. No, Santa, that’s not how you hold a baby.

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Seriously, holding a baby by the lower chest just makes you look like a creep. For God’s sake, didn’t they teach you that in Santa school?

16. When you didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas.

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One boy’s crying his eyes out that he didn’t get the new Superman action figure. His younger brother puts his arms around his back.

17. When everyone in your family has the same hairstyle as you.

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Or have to pose for a photo you really didn’t want to be in. Got to feel for the guy in front staring at the camera.

18. Is this family fun time or a hostage situation?

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“Lexie, I don’t care if you hate Christmas music or not. You will sing carols with us and you will like it.”

19. “A deer leg? Just what I always wanted.”

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“Yes, Judy, it’s from that mother doe I shot earlier this month when we had that snow. Not sure where the fawn went.”

20. The more kids you have, the more you can use them for crazy photo ops like this.

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“Now, kids, I’d like you to form a human pyramid while I put lights around you. Tommy can hold the star on his forehead.”

21. When you want a nice wholesome family photo but everyone’s goofing off.

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The dad’s like, “What’s so funny? Why are Karen and Debbie laughing? What’s going on here?”

22. “You want to include the goat in the picture?”

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Yes, there’s a goat in here. The woman has a kid on her lap. The guy’s obviously kind of aghast at as if it was a last minute thing.

23. When you’re forced to pose in a photo with your sibling and in a similar outfit.

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And they’re in ugly sweaters, too. Guess some things never change when you grow up.

24. Am I seeing double or what?

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Well, this depicts 2 guys who are probably brothers wearing the same outfit, and enjoying some quality time with a cat. But one guy isn’t thrilled with the idea.

25. When your humans put you through a humiliating photo op for the Christmas card.

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Dog is like, “Kill me now.” Funny, how this couple’s actually from Pittsburgh. From what I can tell by the Steelers collar.

26. The family that smokes together stays together.

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Of course, a third of that family’s already dead. Due to lung cancer. Because smoking kills folks. Also, that kid with the cigarette really makes his parents look bad.

27. Rudolph, the Red-Nosed-giant hedgehog?

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It’s probably their pet photoshopped in. Because there’s no way in hell that a hedgehog could pull a sleigh. Let alone fly one.

28. When even the dog has to pose in the same holiday sweater.

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The woman’s like, “Is this really necessary? I understand us wearing the sweaters. But did we really have to have the dog wear one? Kind of ridiculous.”

29. “This year we decided to announce that Scotty’s joined the gymnastics team.”

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How else could the son pose in his leotard? Still, got to see the father’s shiny legs. Apparently they’re a thing in the Southwest.

30. Kids don’t understand hand gestures, I guess.

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And little Tony just flipped the bird at Santa. Probably has no idea what it means whatsoever.

31. In the Valley of the Dolls…literally.

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“I don’t want to go in there, Mommy. Those dolls scare me. Please don’t let them murder me.”

32. “Am I the only one to think dressing for the Christmas card was a bad idea?”

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You can see the Christmas tree doesn’t seem too thrilled being dressed like that. Probably knows he’ll be beat up in school if the picture goes out.

33. You’d think this was the family from We Bought a Zoo.

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It’s not. But they seem to have a lot of pets, including a duck and some parrots. Not sure if that’s too many.

34. Sometimes a Christmas photo op might cross the line.

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I don’t know about you. But a dad calling his wife and daughters “ho’s” isn’t a man you’d want to emulate. Also, I can really see the joke.

35. Merry Christmas from one of the families in Toddlers and Tiaras.

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Given that these girls resemble sexualized beauty queens, I don’t have confidence in this couple’s parenting. Seriously, kid beauty pageants should be banned.

36. “I got you a present, Marla.”

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“What is it Travis? Is the weed you’ve been smoking? The shrooms you’ve been taking? I really want to know.”

37. Christmas is often the most happy and jolly time of year.

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And this family doesn’t seem to be that. More like drinking co-workers at an office party who hate each other.

38. Speaking of office parties…

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Yes, that’s Dwight, Jim, and Andy from The Office. Note what’s on Dwight’s head.

39. Don’t pay attention to Mike. He’s just being weird.

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He’s the one with the weird mask. Or is it makeup? Either way, he seems straight out of a horror movie.

40. “Mommy, why did you let that scary man pick me up?”

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Man, that Santa mask is so creepy looking. More like a slasher horror movie. Can totally feel for the little boy.

41. A couple shot is always better with the family dog.

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This just reminds me of all those weird pictures from the 1980s we laugh at. Except it seems rather contemporary for some reason.

42. I’m sure this is either for a Christmas card or a dating profile.

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Celebrating Christmas alone doesn’t really seem right. You can see the desperation in his eyes.

43. When’s Santa coming down?

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Apparently, everyone in this photo seems to wonder that. Since the boy’s looking up in an impatient anticipation.

44. What’s with the navels?

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Says, “Jingle Bellies.” Don’t ask me what the hell that’s supposed to mean. Seriously, this is really fucked up.

45. Santa poses with some elves.

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Looks like it’s one of their vacation photos. I’m sure the Santa’s a mannequin.

46. “Mommy, get that scary man away from me.”

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Yes, that’s another bad Santa mask. And yes, that little girl’s incredibly terrified.

47. When you’ve been in a fight during the last holiday shopping rush.

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The woman also has some piercings. So it creates a rather awkward situation with the parents and grandparents.

48. Apparently, Sparky’s not adjusting well to the new baby.

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And you thought siblings were bad. Her the dog sits on the baby because it wants attention.

49. When you find out that Miss Piggy’s not wearing a bra.

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Piggy, please, cover that up. There’s a kid around. Seriously, have you heard about dressing in layers?

50. That’s a rather interesting gourd.

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Sorry, but decorative gourd season’s been over since November. Also, why did they paint a snowman and use it as a birdfeeder?

51. When you start regretting sitting on the scary man’s lap.

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Yes, the mask is frightening and unrealistic. But as one kid takes it in strive, his brother foresees a sense of nightmarish doom upon the horizon.

52. Do they know Santa’s in this very room?

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He’s basically right behind them near the tree. But the kids don’t really seem as excited as they should be.

53. Sometimes the shirt says it all.

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Here Santa wonders what kind of parents these kids have that their hoodies advertise a tobacco company. And the fact Marlboro has those hoodies in children’s sizes.

54. Sorry kid, but Santa’s had a too few many lately.

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Talk about a sketchy Santa. This guy’s totally loaded on something. What, I don’t know.

55. Dear Satan: Send me cash this Christmas.

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Talk about a sketchy Santa. This guy’s totally loaded on something. What, I don’t know.

56. When you’re a mall Santa who hates his life.

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You can see him hold 3 kids. Two girl cry while the boy sits quietly. And Santa gives a face of disgust over his duties.

57. Sometimes kids can be horrible spellers.

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The kid means “wrapped.” I know that the misspelling gives adults an entirely different image, which goes over the kid’s head.

58. That’s not where you want to smell that gingerbread man.

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Yes, the dog’s sniffing at Al Roker’s crotch. What’s funnier is that this happened live on network TV.

59. Christmas is always a cheerful time of year.

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Not in this family, apparently. Rather this is the kind of family that seems at each other’s throats. One guy’s probably a drinker.

60. Big sister’s not too happy with the new baby.

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Sorry, kid, but I don’t think Santa can send your baby sibling that. Because that’s not how it works. Also, tying up your parents in Christmas lights isn’t a good idea.

61. “Can I pose with my llama?”

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Girl must come from a farm. Since her dad’s also holding a lamb. Wonder what the photographer thought of that.

62. These guys can’t wait for Santa.

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So they’re awaiting his arrival in ducky pajamas. Know that these are grown ass men.

63. You’ll never guess who has a red nose and antlers in this photo.

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Mostly all the members save the father. But one of the boys knows this stunt is incredibly lame and wants no part of it.

64. “Let’s line up wearing our ugly Christmas sweaters.”

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The youngest boy feels like he’s forced into something he doesn’t want to participate in. But I’m afraid he’ll have to face the horror.

65. Girl sits beside a dummy Santa.

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Unfortunately dummy Santa can be just as terrifying as the one you see in the mall. But the girl doesn’t seem to mind. Mainly because she could beat up the doll when it goes after her.

66. When you find Santa totally wasted but must get that memorable shot of your kid.

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Kid seems rather anxious doesn’t he. Maybe Santa shouldn’t frequent the bars on his time off. I suggest he do a 12-step.

67. Peter will always stay true to his Snookums.

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And yes, I mean his cat with a little Santa hat. Though the cat seems to have other ideas.

68. Nativity displays should always be left to the churches.

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Because why involve your kids in a manger display if they won’t take it seriously. Still, kind of feel bad for the angel and you can see a hand.

69. There’s nothing like a Christmas in Antarctica.

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Because you wouldn’t survive without wearing heavy winter clothing. Seriously, this was obviously done in a studio.

70. Everyone should relish in the holiday cheer.

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You can see a couple of blase faces on the couch. Meanwhile two of the women are drinking from bottles.

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree at the Ugly Sweater Party (Sixth Edition)

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Now we get to the ugly Christmas sweaters. What was once the bane of every holiday wardrobe has now become a must-have item for the annual office party. Sure, there may be the traditional fare like Santas, gingerbread men, wreaths, reindeer, Christmas trees, and more. But you’d also see plenty of pop culture stuff and other things. You might see ones for Star Wars, Star Trek, TV shows, movies, and some weird things like sloths, unicorns, and tacos. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of ugly Christmas sweaters. Some may not be safe for work or your family during the holidays. Enjoy.

  1. Go ahead, put that tongue on the flag pole.
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But you’ll have to call 911 if your tongue sticks on a snowy day. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

2. This Christmas, just let it dough with the Pillsbury Doughboy.

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Great to wear when making Christmas cookies. Like the row of croissants.

3. You’d be all lit for Christmas in this sweater.

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Though I’m sure it comes with a battery pack. Santa and Frosty seem to delight in it.

4. Drink up this holiday season.

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This sweater states, “Shut Up and Drink” in gold tinsel. And yes, there’s a beer can in holly.

5. “Fra-jee–lay. Must be Italian.”

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This is a leg lamp sweater. And yes, there are leg lamps from top to bottom. Hilarious.

6. Don’t be a grumpy cat this Christmas.

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Okay, this isn’t Grumpy Cat. But the cat doesn’t seem enthusiastic in a Santa hat.

7. Even sharks can get into the holiday spirit.

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Though I doubt they’d wear sweaters under the sea. One even has a present in its mouth.

8. Someone’s got blue balls this year.

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Well, frosty balls, anyway. Still, guys, please don’t wear this in front of your relatives.

9. Santa’s shown his crack.

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And it seems like he’s wearing a thong while leaving presents. Seriously, shouldn’t he wear something more comfortable? Spending that night sitting on his sleigh must make him sore.

10. This guy’s all decked for the holidays.

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If you don’t have a tree in your office, you can have Gary wear this sweater. And yes, it’s mostly in green tinsel with ornaments.

11. Are all these black cats looking at me?

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This sweater has all of them wearing Santa hats. Perfect for your local crazy cat lady.

12. Apparently, Santa’s a rather horny man.

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Okay, considering it’s a black Santa saying “Hoes, Hoes, Hoes,” there’s some terrible racial stereotyping. Also kind of looks pretty pervy if you ask me.

13. The Scranton Dunder Mifflin office doesn’t always hold the best parties.

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This is from The Office. Michael wears a Santa hat. Dwight wears an elf one behind the Christmas tree.

14. Substitute Teacher’s not messing around.

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He’s from Key & Peele. He’s an inner city school teacher at a white school who mispronounces his students’ names. It’s funny.

15. This guy’s up for any reindeer action.

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Except that reindeer don’t have horns. They have antlers that fall off after mating season. At least along the males.

16. Nike even has ugly Christmas sneakers.

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Normal tennis shoes are a must have. Ugly Christmas tennis shoes are a waste of money. Since you only wear them once a year.

17. May your Christmas be merry and Dwight.

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And yes, I mean Dwight from The Office. Beware of beet presents and bears at Schrute Farms.

18. Even dogs can enjoy the ugly Christmas sweater trend.

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The dog wears a reindeer one with glasses. And no it doesn’t seem happy about it at all.

19. The Abominable Snowman holds up the mistletoe.

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Wonder what kind of abominable snow lady’s he’s looking to kiss under it. Might want to try Nepal.

20. Those into slasher horror will want this sweater for the holidays.

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Sure, they don’t have much to do with Christmas. Includes Freddie, Jason, Mike Myers, and Leatherface.

21. Perhaps you can decorate your own holiday sweater.

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This one depicts snow, lights, and snowflakes with stuff you find at a craft store. Not sure if the sweater’s home made though.

22. Get lit wearing this Christmas tree shirt.

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And yes, this one really lights up. Comes with candy cane striped sleeves, too.

23. Make your holidays a colorful rainbow spectacle.

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Features a rainbow Christmas tree in shiny beads. Love the golden star on top.

24. A shiny penguin sweater will certainly suit you.

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Well, the penguin’s wearing a Christmas tree tie. Decorated with fake poinsettias, ribbons, and tinsel.

25. Perhaps you’d like a Krampus Christmas sweater.

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The Krampus is plush. And he appears rather phallic. So better not wear it in front of the kids.

26. You can be a bit sloth this holiday season.

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Well, this is a sloth ugly Christmas sweater. Because sloths are cute with their eyes and sharp claws. This one wears a Santa hat.

27. Care to wear a little black dress?

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This sweater dress is decorated with silver bows and tinsel on the cuffs and skirt. Snazzy isn’t it?

28. Green feathers always make a Christmas sweater haute couture.

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Kind of makes her seem like the height of fashion. If she lived in Whoville.

29. Christmas Grizzly always knows how to party.

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Because he knows when you need a cold one. Also, he’s supposed to be hibernating.

30. John Calvin doesn’t care much for Christmas.

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Ironic he’s even on a sweater. Because didn’t he not celebrate it? After all, the Puritans didn’t and they were certainly influenced by his ideas.

31. Feel free to don an ugly Christmas skirt this holiday season.

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After all, these ladies did. 2 have winter scenes. One has Santas.

32. Always got to dedicate Christmas to the birthday boy.

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Here this ugly Christmas sweater features Jesus Christ, our Lord. Of course, you don’t want to know what his Easter sweater looks like. Also, he wasn’t treated better than Donald Trump.

33. Are you on the Nice List or the Naught List?

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By the way, if you take green, you’re nice. If you take red, you’re naughty.

34. Yes, they have Christmas sweaters for couples.

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These two have Christmas sweaters with each other’s pictures on them. Isn’t that sweet?

35. Ho, ho, ho, DJ Santa’s in the house.

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Okay, I might want to leave the party right now. I can’t stand Christmas music. Seriously.

36. Tis the season for outlandish tackiness.

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The guy here wears an atrocious elf costume. The woman wears a Christmas tree sweater dress. Not sure who’s tackier.

37. This Christmas, there’s something you must know.

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This is based off a conspiracy theory questioning Jeffrey Epstein’s suicide. Still, the guy was a heinous sex criminal who deserved what he got. So can’t we appreciate that he’s dead?

38. It wouldn’t be Christmas without the Wet Bandits.

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Yes, they’re terrible criminals who you wouldn’t want lurking around your house. But after what Kevin McAllister does to them, I’m not sure whether to root for their doom or pity them.

39. Look, Santa Claus came in on his sleigh.

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Well, he’s dressed as Santa. And his sleigh’s featured on his Christmas sweater. Kind of crazy isn’t it?

40. Don’t forget to put on a pair of ugly Christmas heels.

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Decorated with bows, gold tinsel, and bells. May jingle when you walk in them.

41. Everyone wants a Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich Christmas sweater this holiday season.

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The Popeye’s chicken sandwich was a hot menu item this year. So much that many restaurants faced mass panic as soon as they ran out.

42. Bugs really don’t like this time of year.

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Because it’s cold and many of them freeze and die. But they’ll come back in the spring. I guarantee it.

43. You might want to wear this hat to go with that leg lamp sweater.

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Says, “Fragile” meant to denote the package’s contents. Or Donald Trump’s ego.

44. Who ya gonna call this Christmas?

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This one features the Ghostbusters logo in a standard Christmas wreath. like the rows of decor. So funny.

45. Look out, Trump Grinch is out to steal…..well, everything.

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Says that his hands and heart were 2 sizes too small. You might say the same about his penis and capacity for humanity.

46. Forget reindeer. Santa’s got his sleigh pulled by pterodactyl.

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Sure it may seem cool. But remember those prehistoric flyers have been extinct for around 65 million years. Sorry, kid.

47. She’s not a player. She just gets crushes a lot.

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She means while she lusts in her heart, she doesn’t pursue other men. At least when at least one of them isn’t single.

48. Christmas sweater for 4?

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I’m sure they’re wearing stuff underneath. Since you want your hands free and not be around the same 3 people all the time. So this is just for the photo op.

49. Someone’s dreaming of a Dwight Christmas.

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Still, would you want Dwight to be at your Christmas party? Probably not since he’s really weird.

50. Let me introduce you to Frosty’s alcoholic cousin.

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He’s Frothy the Snowman. A magical snowman with a penchant for beer.

51. Seek Yoda Claus, you do.

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Wears Santa hat and robe he does. Carries candy cane everywhere, he does. Go all over you in a lightsaber duel, he will.

52. Don’t forget to get dressed in your best Christmas suit.

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And this is certainly not one you’d wear for church. Seriously, people will get eye problems looking at it.

53. Let it glow with this reindeer.

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He’s even wearing sunglasses and a matching sweater, too. Like the lights on his antlers though.

54. This Christmas, Santa sleighs the zombies.

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Because zombie elves are no match for the big man in the red suit. Do your worst, you brain-eating undead corpses.

55. With Donald Trump, Christmas trees are fake.

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Still, even if artificial, this Christmas tree’s more real than Donald Trump’s business and political successes ever will be. At least the impeachment will stick on him for the rest of his life.

56. “Spank me, Santa! Spank me hard!”

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Yeah, I know it’s dirty. But there are some people into it. Still, don’t wear this sweater at the family Christmas gathering.

57. Ever see Santa ride a shark before?

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Probably not. But you’d never think Santa could hold a trident or breathe underwater either.

58. Work for Dunder Mifflin? You might want this sweater.

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It’s the paper company from The Office. There’s even paper clips on here.

59. Didn’t think Santa knew how to dunk.

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Here he plays some ball with Rudolph and an elf. And why’s the elf on a basketball team. He’s obviously too short.

60. Yes, there’s a short version for that suit.

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Don’t know why anyone would wear one. Since it looks utterly ridiculous if you ask me.

 

SantaCon Costumes Are Coming to Town (Fifth Edition)

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Now we get to the Christmas outfits. Midway through the Christmas season is SantaCon, a day long public booze fest and orgy that could land a child in several years of therapy. Seriously, if kids see a bunch of drunk Santas around, they’ll have a lot of questions parents won’t be prepared to answer. Like how much does Santa drink? How’s his marriage to Mrs. Claus been lately? And what the hell was Santa doing with that elf in aisle 5 at Wal Mart? Then you have cops who dread this annual debauched Christmas tradition that has started in the States but now has spread worldwide. Now I don’t recommend people to dress up like a Santa, drink a shitload of booze, screw a snowman in public, and get a great Christmas mugshot at the local police station. In fact, you can’t since it was last Saturday. But I do encourage you to look at these SantaCon costumes.

  1. These 3 elf ladies are watching you.
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Though these women are rather naughty. Since they’ll be frolicking on the streets under the influence.

2. These women are insulated in their own snow globes.

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These are made from plastic, by the way. Yet, they wear ugly sweaters underneath. One’s a Christmas tree. The other’s a snowman.

3. Gangsta Santas are coming to town.

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One wears a suit with Christmas trees and wreaths. The other wears a Santa suit. Both have gold chains around their necks.

4. Let’s all hear it for the birthday boy.

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This is a Jesus costume. Though it’s more appropriate for the Easter passion play. But you can’t revel in booze and orgies during that time.

5. Santas always love to party.

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One guy wears a white clown wig. Also has chains over his Santa suit and green shirt.

6. Black fur always brings winter glamor.

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Yet, the skirt is way too short. So if you wear it, put on some leggings as well.

7. She seems quite frosty, doesn’t she?

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Once again, her skirt is too short. And I don’t think the socks will keep her warm either.

8. She takes Christmas in jest.

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She wears a Santa jester hat and sunglasses. The sunglasses say, “Ho Ho Ho.”

9. She walks out in striped socks.

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And she wears a short Santa dress with straps. Will obviously wear a coat at SantaCon, don’t you think?

10. This elf’s ready to please Santa.

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Indeed, since her skirt’s awfully short. If it weren’t for the fake fur trim, she’d work as a stripper Peter Pan.

11. Mrs. Claus always knows what Santa wants.

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She wears a long red dress and a lace cap. And yes, she knows all about her husband, doesn’t she?

12. She must be a flashy nutcracker soldier.

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It’s pink, sparkly, and trimmed with fur. And I’m pretty sure it’s worn by a mannequin.

13. She’s looking for something naught this Christmas.

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Since her outfit seems to resemble some kind of lingerie. Also includes Santa hat.

14. Don’t mess with these reindeer does.

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They just wear makeup and antlers. All the rest is regular winter clothing.E

15. Even Mickey Mouse attends SantaCon.

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He wears a Santa suit with his trademark shorts. Not sure how he keeps warm.

16. This elf is ready to party.

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She wears a green outfit with hood and a green and red tulle skirt. Comes with matching red sunglasses.

17. Kids approach Santa and his gang in Hawaii.

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Well, this doesn’t seem too bad. Santa even wears shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, too.

18. She comes tight laced in her Santa suit.

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Well, it’s more of a leotard. Hope her black pants can keep her warm through the Santa Con revelry.

19. Care to smile for a group photo?

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One’s dressed as a firefighter. Another’s dressed as a snowflake queen.

20. Santa and Mrs. Claus know how to have a good time.

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He wears a Christmas themed Hawaiian shirt. She dons a long fur and velvet red cape. Both wear sunglasses.

21. Just hanging around at the bar.

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You even have a few wise men here. One waves a Terrible Towel for some reason. So is this Pittsburgh?

22. Santa hangs out with a chimney girl.

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Well, she wears an ugly sweater. But she has a chimney hat on. So I’ll count that.

23. One elf carries a large sack.

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The sack is in red and white striped colors to match his sock. Wonder what’s inside it. And do I really want to know?

24. Perhaps a gray Santa suit will do nicely.

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The guy even wears one with presents and snowflakes. She just wears a red Santa coat with a red strapless top.

25. Want to hug a Christmas tree?

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Though he seems more dressed like a Christmas shrub. Even has ornaments hanging on him.

26. Krampus comes to town looking for brats.

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But here he just wants to have a good time. And yes, he’ll scar some onlooking kids for life. Even if they have no idea who he is.

27. These girls just want to have fun.

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Some are dressed in lights. One’s dressed as Cindy Lou Who from The Grinch.

28. Everyone wants to party with these Santas.

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Both of these guys wear sunglasses, too. One even has a rather interesting and unconventional Santa hat.

29. A simple Santa dress will do.

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Still awfully short. But at least it comes with fur leggings on the shins. So that’s something, isn’t it?

30. Strapless is always the way to go.

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She has fur trimmed gloves, too. Though I’m not sure about the Santa top.

31. Santa and Mrs. Claus stroll into town.

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Well, they wear rather conventional Christmas attire like you’d expect. Though Santa does carry a walking stick and jingle bells.

32. My, that’s a colorful Santa.

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This one wears a pirate hat with a colorful beard. Makes me wonder if this Santa was at Woodstock.

33. Mobster Santa gives good kids an offer they can’t refuse.

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And for bad kids, instead of coal, he makes them full of lead so they can more easily sleep with the fishes. He also smokes cigars.

34. Merry Hipster Christmas like it’s anywhere near mainstream.

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Sure she wears candy cane leggings under her fur coat. Because that’s totally not mainstream.

35. These ladies love to go on the town.

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Yet, they don’t appear to wear much. Wonder if either are shivering since it can get quite cold this time of year.

36. Hipster Santa knows what’s hip.

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Okay, this is a woman costume. But it’s quite skimpy and not meant for incredibly freezing temperatures.

37. The Grinch and Max will show you a good time.

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Must they have sexy costumes for everything? What’s next, Donald Trump? On second thought, please don’t let there be a costume of that stinking cesspit of a human being.

38. This elf girl is all jingles.

She wears an outfit of green and red. While her reindeer friend walks behind her.

39. These 3 Santas crashed a Mexican tequila bar.

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Since they’re all wearing sombreros. Well, 2 wear Santa suits and the other wears a red hoodie.

40. This snazzy man hangs out with his favorite elf.

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He wears a Christmas tree tie and a light necklace. Also sports a top hat for flair.

41. Even a Christmas cowgirl needs a drink.

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Here she sneaks a drink into her red and white jacket. Also sports a red cowboy hat.

42. I believe they’re on the merry side of the Force.

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They’re dressed as Han Solo, Princess Leia, and Chewbacca. All in their Christmas glory.

43. These women are on the street in their pajamas.

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Kind of weird to see them like this. Almost reminds of what you’d see with People at Wal Mart.

44. Here’s a rather unique Santa.

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He’s go a Santa hat on with spikes. While he warms himself in a black fur coat.

45. Perhaps you’d prefer a black Santa outfit instead.

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She also has purple hair and fishnet stockings. Not sure if it’s winter weather appropriate though.

46. Someone’s riding Santa’s shoulders.

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Seems like it’s his lucky day. Okay, it’s just a costume. And yes, it’s rather freaky.

47. Seems Frosty doesn’t come with much this year.

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She wears a rather short outfit. Wonder if she’s got any white leggings with it. Since she’s bound to freeze.

48. These elf girls enjoy a morning walk.

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If they’re not having fun at Santa Con, they’re working in Santa Land. Both wear leggings of red and green fur.

49. You can’t go up any shorter can you?

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Is she one of Santa’s hookers? Since she’s wearing a bra with her red shorts and suspenders.

50. Want to see these Santa girls?

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They all wear fake leather skirts with fur trim. They also wear Santa hats and strapped tops.

51. Jesus comes out to celebrate his birthday.

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He comes wearing a birthday hat. While a star appears beside him.

52. This reindeer girl is eager to please.

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Has Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer glasses. She also wears a Christmas vest and Santa hat.

53. This man is in his full Santa revelry.

He’s only partially covered. But his Santa hat has a large jingle on it.

54. Come to the Island of Misfit Toys.

Two Santas hang out with Yukon Cornelius and the toys. Toys present are the doll, the elephant and the Charlie-in-the-Box.

55. She’s a toy soldier. He’s being carried by Santa.

She has a little drum to beat. He’s got a trophy cup to show off. Not sure why.

56. Get a load of these 2 gingerbread figures.

Both are in rather cartoonish figures. Also, why cover their heads?

57. Seems like Santa gets on with the Grinch.

Well, I’m sure Christmas may get to Santa once in a while. After he’s got so much pressure to deliver billions of presents in one night.

58. Want to pose with Krampus?

That’s a rather scary monster. But these women don’t seem to mind too much.

59. You can’t go tighter than this.

Hey, at least she’s wearing pants. Her cuffs and neckline is trimmed with white fur.

60. Sometimes a coat is all you need.

She only wears a belt. While her legs are covered in black tights. Hope they’re thick enough for increment weather.

61. Sometimes people even bring their kids.

This Santa brings his kid dressed as an elf. Despite that Santa Con is no such place for kids.

62. Found him with the dreidel girl.

Yes, Waldo can be everywhere. Even among Santas in jumpsuits and fedoras.

63. A Christmas suit always gets the girls.

His suit has snowmen, Christmas trees, stars, and reindeer. And yes, one woman wears a Santa dress.

64. Santa’s taking his elf places.

Is that a segway? Still, one elf rides in the basket. As Santa drives.

65. Hanukkah Man comes with his gift bag.

He’s even wearing his menorah hat. While he’s put on his Hanukkah shirt.

66. Santa’s the mascot of Christmas.

Well, he pretty much is. Yet, this costume depicts him with a cartoonish head you wouldn’t want to be caught dead in.

67. She’s the height of candy cane couture.

She wears candy cane tights with pink and red furs. Her tiara’s made from pink and red icicles and baubles.

68. These toy soldiers are proud to serve Santa’s Army.

Though you’ll have to wind them up before they can march off to war. And they’re currently getting crushed by global warming.

69. At Santa Con, the Santas run with Jesus.

And apparently, the Santas find it hard to keep up. Despite that Jesus only wears sandals but no pants.

70. Hipster Santas take Santa Con by storm.

Well, there’s a reindeer among them. But one wears a beard with braids.

71. She’s all set to frolic among the Santas.

She wears a red Santa dress with a jacket of pom pom fasteners. Though her skirt’s rather short.

72. Ladies and Gentlemen, the King of the North Pole.

He’s dressed in a mashup of Santa and Elvis. And yes, he’s brimming with rhinestones.

73. Mrs. Claus sure knows how to dress.

Indeed, she’s in a lovely outfit with poinsettia hair decorations. But the Santa next to her really creeps me out.

74. Gingy’s really enjoying himself.

Here he stands with Santa. Not sure what the other 2 are supposed to be. Probably part of some ice skating show.

75. She prefers the company of penguins.

And they’re dressed like costumed mascots. Unfortunately, they’re not affiliated with the Pittsburgh Penguins.

76. This Santa comes in support of his team.

Not sure where this is. Yet, one dons a jersey that he thinks go with his shorts.

77. Why so serious during this holiday season?

Yes, this is a Joker Santa. And he’s got lights on his beard. Nonetheless, please keep away from him.

78. Bet you’d want this hippopotamus for Christmas.

Well, he’s dressed as a hippo. But hey, at least he’s not as dangerous a real one that would tear you to pieces.

79. Want to sound the heralds?

Here she wears her cheerful attire and blows her horn. Also carries a sack over her back.

80. There’s a robot in front of the White House.

Well, it’s a snowman bot. And I bet its here to freeze the Trump adminstration during the impeachment proceedings.

The Sweet Candy World of Gingerbread Architecture (Fourth Edition)

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A key Christmas feature is the gingerbread house. In Hansel and Gretel, this is the fairy tale equivalent of a windowless van with free candy. Anyway, on these you’ll find stuff like gum drops you’d never eat, candy canes, icing, and more. For many families, it’s a Christmas tradition that stores often sell gingerbread house kids. Now I don’t usually show them because they’re quite standard and lack much originality. But for some repressed artists, these kits are just child’s play. When you Google gingerbread houses, you come to some elaborate displays at some of these contests. Obviously a sign that some people have too much time on their hands. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of sweet gingerbread houses.

  1. Every kid dreams of a candy castle.
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Has some ice cream sundae tower tops. Even has a fountain.

2. A modern dome house is the latest in gingerbread design.

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Doesn’t look like much. But it lights from a window from the inside.

3. Feel free to walk on the winter bridge.

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Comes with 2 lamp posts that light up. Has frosting on the railing.

4. You can’t pass by a colorful church.

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This one has beautiful stained glass windows. Love the candy cane columns and Christmas decorations.

5. Feel free to attend a holiday party at this large mansion.

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Or is it a fancy hotel? Has wreaths on windows and 2 chimneys.

6. Enjoy the romantic atmosphere of Venice, Italy.

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Yes, Venice is a beautiful city despite being the 18th century Las Vegas. But now it’s basically sinking and has recently experienced floods due to climate change. So enjoy this gingerbread replica while you can.

7. Perhaps you’d prefer a quaint Christmas cottage.

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This is in a more medieval fairy tale village design. Has lights on the roof and the wreath on the door.

8. Sometimes it pays to go big.

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This giant gingerbread house is from Disneyland. And yes, it’s got Santa on the porch roof.

9. Care to stay at a swanky inn?

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This is a beautiful establishment that you probably can’t stay in. Love the balconies.

10. Don’t forget to deck the halls.

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This house has candy cane columns and garlands at the windows. A Christmas tree sits on the balcony and a wreath hangs near the roof. So stunning.

11. Spend a weekend in the woods at Clear Moon Lodge.

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This one is made from pretzel sticks stacked against each other. A snowman sits in the lawn.

12. You’d marvel at this stone house.

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Okay, it’s covered in candy. But it’s quite huge and lights up from the inside.

13. Hop aboard this wooden gingerbread ship.

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However, don’t say I didn’t warn you about the cramped spaces and the smell of human waste and vomit. Seriously, wooden ships make Carnival cruise ships look like a pleasure ride on a bad day.

14. Take a stroll around the town.

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This one has a few store fronts. The toy store has a clock on the roof.

15. An ornate house must have some elegant decorations.

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The roof lattice is quite elaborate. Has wreaths over the top window and garlands on the railings and window frames.

16. A Victorian house can be especially fancy.

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This might be from a kit but it has intricate designs. A Christmas tree stands at the balcony.

17. A simple church will always do.

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This one just has a steeple. Wreaths deck the roof and door.

18. A winter castle is always a chilly retreat.

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This one has white chocolate flower pretzels decorated as snowflakes. Also has 2 towers in the back.

19. Perhaps you’d rather spend your Christmas at a simple brick house.

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The house is red brick and has dark shutters and white columns. A large Christmas tree stands in the lawn.

20. This modern gingerbread house has some state-of-the-art technology.

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This one has a brick chimney with some antennae. The windows have lattice in a diamond pattern.

21. You’d feel at home in this cozy Christmas cottage.

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This one has a cookie stone path and lovely decorations. The Christmas trees are made from ice cream cones.

22. This house features a Christmas tree in a window.

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This one has lovely lattice trim on the roofs. The tree inside even sports candles.

23. Care for a retreat to the countryside?

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Everything here’s made out of cookie. Even the trees and roof tiles. Also has icicles dripping from the roof.

24. You have to keep everything ship shape these days.

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Yes, this is another wooden ship. But it also has the sails out and it’s not as flashy at the previous one.

25. Feel free to stay at this treehouse.

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Seems like it’s a haven for gnomes. Wonder how many live there.

26. Nothing makes a trip to Philadelphia worthwhile than a trip to Independence Hall.

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And here’s the gingerbread version. And yes, the Declaration of Independence and the US Constitution were signed there.

27. Come on up to the tooth fairy’s house.

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You can see a toothbrush near the door. Ironic that it’s made from sweets.

28. Want to drop in to this Old West saloon?

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It’s pink with candy cane columns and cow horns near the roof. Comes with 2 singing cacti.

29. “All the world’s a stage….”

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This is a gingerbread Globe Theater that once hosted William Shakespeare’s plays. And for God’s sake don’t shoot any cannon in it or it’ll just catch fire and burn to the ground.

30. How about a chocolate White House?

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The gummies sit on the balcony. While candy trees surround it.

31. Stop by this black and orange house.

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Kind of reminds me of a dollhouse. Has garland decorations on the windows.

32. You’d want to stop by this fairy tale cottage.

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And it’s rather ornate. Hope the old woman living there isn’t a witch of some sorts.

33. Even the hotel is festive for the season.

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The porch railings are on both floors. Wreaths decorate the doors and roof.

34. Some homes can sport mean icicles.

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Okay, these are nothing and made of sugar. But you should see the ones at Saint Vincent College during the winter.

35. London is always a city of amusement.

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Includes a Ferris wheel with the Houses of Parliament. You can see some figures on the street.

36. Christmas is indeed a silent night.

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Yes, it’s another nativity scene. The roof’s made out of mini wheats and the back has fig newtons.

37. Santa’s house is a Christmas paradise.

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Is decked with peppermints, gumdrops, and candy canes. Has 2 red and green towers.

38. Spend the afternoon at a remote ski lodge.