Crafts have always been with us and will probably go on forever. Whether it’s from the kid made to do some project in art class or the adult with repressed creative impulses who wants to make money from Etsy, we’ve seen them all. Such arts could range from the DIY to sewing and knitting, upholstery, taxidermy, beading, jewelry making, or what not. After all, some people create stuff to use as gifts for others. Yet, while some craft projects might inspire love and adoration, others not so much. Still, while I could go on and on about the nice little craft ideas and such, you would find that boring. Instead, I’ll feature pictures of DIY craft projects that are so crazy and terrible that you’d wonder why anyone would buy them off Etsy. If not, then perhaps make you scratch your head as to why anyone would create such a craftastrophe in the first place. So without further adieu, here are some craft projects you might not want kids doing art class. By the way, this post may not be safe for work.
1. If you want to make baby’s first Thanksgiving memorable, perhaps you can put them in this cute little turkey costume.
Let’s just say, when this baby grows up, he’s going to look at his old baby pictures and wonder what the hell were his parents thinking. Seriously, this is pretty disturbing.
2. Brave the elements with this knitted poncho headdress.
Now while I’m sure this poncho can keep you warm, I’m not sure if it can keep you immune from embarrassment. Still, seems more of a cross between knitted table cloth and something you’d see at a fashion show in Saudi Arabia.
3. Behold, a style of sunglasses inspired by the flamboyant fashion sense of Lady Gaga and the 1340s Bubonic Plague doctor.
Yeah, I’m sure this sunglasses style plays less what you’d see in a Lady Gaga music video and more of a cross between Lady Gaga meets Big Bird’s evil twin.
4. Bundle up with this state of the art boob scarf.
Now I don’t know this item’s effectiveness against winter weather. However, I’m sure that wearing it will give you a lot of unwanted attention, especially if you’re a guy.
5. Ladies, walk on the street in style with these fancy slug brooches.
Seriously, what kind of girl would want to be seen wearing these things? I mean they may seem rather nice but the concept of slug brooches is kind of disgusting. More like collectibles for young boys.
6. Scrub yourself off after the big game with some Buffalo Wings and celery soap.
I’m sure no little kid is going to see these and mistake this soap set for the real thing. Yeah right. Still, why make soap that resembles food?
7. Give your sweetheart a reminder to practice safe sex with this lovely condom flower bouquet.
I’m sure every girl out there wants their boyfriend to send them a dozen condom flowers for Valentine’s Day. For God’s sake this bouquet is in such poor taste as well as the fact you’d be embarrassed to have such a display in your home. This is especially true if you or your guests have kids. Perhaps these would look better in a love nest or sex dungeon.
8. Now grace your house with this knitted pig being cut open on a platter.
I wonder if Jewish or Muslim parents would buy such an item for their kids so they could make them too traumatized to eat pork, ham, sausage, or bacon. Yeah, this is very disturbing.
9. Scrub yourself squeakly clean with these soap dentures.
Let’s hope that these never show up in any home for the elderly shall we? After all, some may mistake this for their own set of dentures if you know what I mean.
10. Add a little character to you lawn with this Duck Lady statue.
Now having a statue of a naked woman is one thing, but with her sporting a duck’s head. Well, that’s just an all too tacky lawn ornament to ignore. Seriously, this is just a terrible statue.
11. Protect yourself with this tampon gun and bullets.
I always thought tampons were just feminine hygiene products meant to protect women from dirtying their clothes during their time of the month. I guess they’re also great for home security as well.
12. Now these soaps with razor blades make great gifts for the whole family.
I’m sure everyone in your family would love to have soaps like these. Well, anyone in your family serving time in the state penitentiary that is. However, I’m sure these would get confiscated by the guards upon entry regardless.
13. Give your child a unicorn bike they will certainly treasure.
I’m sure this boy is very happy with his new bike as the boy in the background is looking at him with some confused disdain. Still, it’s all fun and games until he gets beat up in school for it.
14. For the upcoming movie 50 Shades of Grey, here’s Barbie as Anastasia Steele with her very own sex dungeon.
Then again, I hear there’s a BDSM Dominatrix Barbie as well. Of course, this one comes with her own cat o’ nine tails. Yet, I wonder what BDSM Ken looks like.
15. Please your man this Christmas with these homemade knitted men’s shorts.
Let’s just say even if your guy says he likes these, he will never wear them. Seriously, this is a perfectly terrible waste of yarn. Making him an ugly Christmas sweater would’ve been a better idea.
16. Got beer cans? Well, make a lovely flower display with them for your living room.
I’m sure this Heineken six pack tulip planter will only please two kinds of people: rednecks and environmentalists. Other than that, most people would question your taste in interior decorating upon viewing this. I’m sure this is a remnant from Martha Stewart’s college years.
17. Be the life of the party with this Pabst can skirt.
Now if this girl’s in college, it’s very likely that her boyfriend’s in a fraternity. Else, how else could she collect all the Pabst beer cans to make this. Still, at least this skirt is bound to slice the crap out of a potential rapist.
18. Make these figurines by creating clay made from the lint in your clothes dryer.
Sure this may look cute but making figurines with dryer lint. Well, that’s about up there with knitting with dog hair. Yeah.
19. Step in style with these duck foot pumps to go with your duckface.
Unless your job is to play Daisy Duck in Disney World, then I don’t have the slightest idea why any woman wouldn’t look stupid in these. Seriously, these are just crazy.
20. Keep your feet warm with these colorful knitted knee socks.
Now I can’t decide whether these are clown socks or psychedelic socks. Then again, if they were created by someone who’s high and smell like reefer, then it’s probably the latter.
21. May your DIY crown of thorns not only show your love for Jesus on Easter but also be used a a prop for your local Passion Play.
Now I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with using a crown of thorns as a DIY project or Easter decoration. However, it’s best that you don’t make this item a sacrilegious artifact by using it as an hors de’ oeuvres tray despite the tempting toothpicks. Else, the Lord will smite you. If not, then my grandma certainly will.
22. With this breakfast hat and purse, you will always have it to go.
I’m sure this woman looks so smart with her eggs, sausage, and has browns purse as well as her bacon and eggs hat. Still, I doubt she’d want to show up at the office wearing them, even in the 1980s.
23. Adorn yourself with these lovely earrings with toilet paper made of pearls.
I’m sure no woman would be caught dead wearing these. That is, unless she’s interviewing for a job with the sewage authority or waste management. Or perhaps dating someone from those fields.
24. No girl isn’t all dressed and ready to go unless she has her very own Louis Vuitton assault rifle.
While the Louis Vuitton assault rifle may be one of the most fashionable firearms, but it can kill you. Still, why the hell would anyone make this? It’s just so fucked up.
25. Have any child feel at home with this nice little coat rack of disembodied doll parts.
Now this might be perfectly fine with the Addams family nursery. Yet, I don’t think I could say the same about any other kid’s room. Seriously, this is bound to cause nightmares.
26. Light your rooms with these lovely handbag lamps with feet.
This is basically a perfectly good waste of things you can carry stuff in. Besides, you may have no idea whether these materials are flammable.
27. Of course, handbags also make a rather great decoration for lamps as well.
Now if everything is going to hell in a hand basket, might as well scare the hell out of the Devil with this tacky creation.
28. No woman’s look is complete without a pair of high heels made from deer hooves.
Now I’m sure PETA won’t be happy with me posting this. Also, I’m sure deer hoof high heels would make anyone wearing them look absolutely ridiculous.
29. This stack of pancakes doesn’t look too happy.
I mean you’d feel upset too if you were covered in butter and maple syrup. I mean nobody wants that.
30. Now that is one fancy ring.
From Regretsy: “It’s called a ‘cocktail ring’ because you can balance a 12 ounce tumbler on it. And it’s ceramic, so you’re all set when the hot hors d’oeuvres come out.” Yet, I’m not sure if it’s also used as a top hat for parrots.
31. Reach for the sky with this Balloon poncho.
From Regretsy: “Kind of like, ‘one-size-fits-most’ and ‘must have.’ I’m not sure about ‘elegant’ and ‘poncho,’ but then, I haven’t seen it in ‘Blue Moose in the Woods.'” Also, since I’m way over say, six I’d be embarrassed to wear it.
32. This Gumball Baby Doll is a perfect gift for anyone during all occasions.
Now this doll is bound to give children nightmares. Hell, it’s giving me nightmares already. Still, despite the rainbow appearance, it’s as creepy as hell.
33. Honor your home with this one of a kind, Groundhog Native American Shield.
Now from the moment people saw this, they knew there would be 6 more weeks of crap. Also, is that groundhog eating a potato chip? Why?
34. Have a holly, jolly, hooftastic Christmas with this deer hoof ornament.
For Rudolph so loved the world that he gave his only foot. Still, would you want this thing on your Christmas tree? I doubt it.
35. Enhance your beauty with this eye lash necklace made from real human hair.
Hey, is this necklace winking at me? Still, why would anyone come up with this idea? I mean it’s fairly creepy. Also, how?
36. Every girl this Christmas wants an alien nut doll with hair extensions riding a pony.
1. What am I looking at?
2. Where did the alien get the horse? Is it an alien horse? If so, does it contain nuts?
2. What if I wanted the head made out a filbert?
3. How much is shipping to Earth?
4. Can I buy this if I have squirrels?”
37. I’m sure a rose hair decoration made from orange peel is a piece of beauty.
I don’t know about you but I don’t think using a compost piece as a hair decoration is a good idea. In fact, I think it’s rather disgusting and highly unsanitary.
38. Make a great presence with this ornate macreme mask.
Of course, this might make a great prop for a Halloween costume. Yet, I’m sure this mask will steal your soul. So don’t look at it!
39. “*CIRCLES OF VERISIMILITUDE* represents numerous useful platters, clocks, and mirrors, all created from large metal container lids, 24 inches inches in diameter, and formed from collections of miscellaneous ‘stuff.'”
Well, I’m sure there are worse things you can do with disposable razors. I suppose killing yourself ranks among them. Still, I’m sure if I’d want this for my bourdoir since the mirror seems too small.
40. Now what young girl doesn’t want a pillow with Tinkerbell’s face on it?
Man, Tinkerbell certainly hasn’t aged very well. Also, I don’t know about you, but I’m sure she’s had Botox injections if you know what I mean. Still, she’s really gone downhill since Peter Pan.
41. “Victorian inspired turtle foot, with gold foil, brass wire, and bee detail. Antique green point-back rhinestones add extra sparkle, and the brass dangle gives a touch of whimsy.”
Just what I need for my new outfit: a decaying disembodied turtle foot encrusted in jewels. Wonder what happened to the rest of the turtle.
42. Light up the party with this one of a kind Yarn Monster Dress.
From Regretsy: “This might be the best ‘Girl trying to look sexy in a stupid $335 dress’ costume I’ve seen this year.”
43. Use your dad’s unwanted neckties to make your own sexy lingerie.
Seriously, these are thongs and they don’t look comfortable by any means. Also, why would anyone do this? It’s pretty disturbing if you know what I mean.
44. For those who want to keep their bong with their lighter, here’s a rainbow bong cozy.
Now unless you live in an area where pot’s legalized, I’m sure you’ll be arrested for selling either of these drug paraphernalia items on the internet. I mean look what happened to Tommy Chong.
45. Finally a doll house giving a tribute to the hit TV show Hoarders.
This woman really needs to clean her house. And I suppose that she has a ton of cats as well. Still, this is a doll house you’d give to a young girl.
46. Finally, a little coat and hat set for a cute little chihuahua.
Man, Tinkerbell doesn’t look very happy in her new crocheted bundle up set. In fact, she looks really pissed off.
47. Now how about a nice diamond encrusted pennant with some vintage tin can?
Then again, I’m not sure if I’d want to wear a necklace with a tin that says “Ex-Lax, the Chocolate Laxative” on it. Vintage or otherwise.
48. Make a giant dream catcher by weaving neck ties and panty hose around a hula hoop.
Then again, I don’t know what the hell this thing is. Seriously, the dreamcatcher was the closest approximation in my book. Perhaps it’s what a teacher of mine called a “gok” meaning “God Only Knows.”
49. Take your mom’s tacky garden flamingos and turn them into dragons.
Never in the history of the world has something been so tacky yet so awesome at the same time. Yet, it kind more or less resembles a flamingo cyborg dragon that’s painted purple and sprinkled with glitter.
50. I’m sure your cat would love this little mobile hat of the solar system.
I’m sure this cat seems board of its mind as well as embarrassed to have its picture taken with this solar system hat on its head. Nice try, Sheldon Cooper.
51. If your cat loves to snuggle on your lap, why don’t you give them the next best thing?
This cat is probably thinking: “There’s no way in God’s green acres that I’m sitting sleeping on this pair of legs. No way in hell. Also, where are the torso and hands to stroke my fur? And where’s it’s head?”
52. For the first time ever, I bring you Potato Sack Couture.
Now I didn’t know that the Paris Runway was featuring Boise for Fashion week this year. Guess those down home farm fashions are coming back.
53. For those who want to relive key moments from The Wire, here are some miniature blocks of crack or what’s referred to as, “product.”
Now if only if they come up with a line of The Wire action figures like they did with Breaking Bad. Of course, Omar’s would sell off the charts.
54. And now a replica of Roary, mascot for the Detroit Lions.
Looks more like an appropriate mascot for the Detroit Pistons to me. That or perhaps what you get if the Terminator mated with the giant demonic blue horse at the Denver Airport.
55. Now nothing says cozy than a pair of bedroom slippers made from Maxi pads.
Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? And yes, I do wear Maxi pads on a monthly basis but that’s where the sun don’t shine. So if I had some kind of emergency during my time of the month does that mean I could wear one of these in my underwear?
56. And now a crocheted reenactment of The Exorcist.
Now this scene is disgusting enough. Yet, let’s just say if this makes your stomach upset, then you don’t want to see how this scene plays out in the movie. Seriously, you don’t.
57. Finally, a nice soap for young girls.
For God’s sake, what’s with the “Face Soap, Not Balls Soap” disclaimer. I’m sure there’s no man who’d want to scrub his testicles with a soap that’s meant for young girls. I mean what the hell?
58. Seems E. T. didn’t have a good time in Las Vegas.
And I thought E. T. was such a sweet alien from what I’ve seen in the movie. Looks like my childhood is ruined since E. T.’s hung over, fresh from a fight, and has a real attitude problem.
59. Now even a young girl can have her very own Sasquatch baby doll to call her own.
Eddie Munster, meet your new baby sister Debbie. I’m sure you two will get along great together since she looks a lot like you.
60. Relive your experience in high school biology class with this dissected frog knit display.
Now I remember why I didn’t want to take a biology class in college and opted for geology and chemistry instead during my sophomore year. Of course, the chemistry class pertained to nutrition and hearing about Type II Diabetes every week, but that’s beside the point.
61. Nothing makes an ocean home better than a mirror decorated from inedible crab legs.
Now in regards to ocean style decor, this is quite terrifying if you know what I mean. This especially true if you have some idea where these legs came from.
62. Now this seems like a truly relaxing couch pillow.
If the famous Cubist painter Pablo Picasso did couch pillows, they would’ve looked like this. Yet, I suppose they would’ve been more colorful.
63. And now, three new flavors of lip balm for men.
I don’t know about you but I kind of consider the idea of bacon, pizza, and dill pickle lip balm flavors rather disgusting. I mean applying these might make some people think you have a severe case of halitosis or just haven’t brushed your teeth.
64. May I present to you a unique artistic rendition of a liver transplant.
Now I don’t know about you but I see something sinister in that surgeon. Also, is that patient George W. Bush? Looks like it. Then again, Bush is an alcoholic whether he’s been drinking or not as well as a horrible president. Also, I wonder if there’s one of a proctologist or someone getting a colonoscopy.
65. I’m sure these are salt and pepper shakers, honestly.
Still, knowing that the “P” can mean “pee” or “piss” while the “s” could pertain to “shit,” let’s just say the premise of outhouse salt and pepper shakers is rather disgusting once you really think about it.
66. Adorn your living room with these giant pillows of rotten bananas.
I’m sure the person who made these was planning on doing banana pillows but couldn’t find any yellow fabric. So he or she probably settled with black instead. Still, rather disgusting if you know what I mean.
67. And now, a great fashion runway show featuring the Hamburger Monster Yarn Dress.
I guess this Yarn Hamburger Queen dress was one of the failed attempts for McDonalds to find a new companion for the Hamburglar. Yet, only the Hamburglar would know that this dress was good enough to eat.
68. I now introduce you to Chewbacca, master of seduction.
Now let’s say that there are some women who may find a walking carpet like Chewie rather sexy, but those girls usually attend furry conventions. Still, this is a great Star Wars take off from that picture of George in that Seinfeld episode.
69. In the NSA even the coffeemakers are spies.
Don’t look now but whenever someone in the NSA gets a cup of joe, this coffee machine is watching them every second of the day. Talk about terrifying.
70. Grace your living room with this lovely coffin couch.
I’m sure this coffin would go very well in Dracula’s Transylvania Castle. I’m sure it would be a great place for him to sleep whenever his wife banishes him from their double coffin during the day.
71. During Halloween, perhaps you can dispense little pumpkin soaps to trick or treaters.
I’m sure kids would know that these pumpkin soaps aren’t real candy they could eat. Well, any kid over the age of 6 anyway.
72. Finally, a nice hand crocheted cozy for your vibrator.
Seriously, a cozy for a vibrator? Now I haven’t heard that before. Still, why make a cozy for a sex toy? Why?
73. Get in the fall spirit wit this turkey feather headdress.
Looks more like something I’d see on my next door neighbor’s living room wall than something I’d actually wear on my head. Of course, the turkey in question would’ve been shot by my neighbors’ anyway.
74. Now I’m sure this is a great Thanksgiving outfit for a toddler girl.
Seriously, this is the toddler equivalent of the ugly Christmas sweater. Also, it’s incredibly hideous. If I had a daughter, there’s no way in hell I’d have her wear that. That would be too cruel.
75. While adults have pumpkin spice lattes, it’s only natural for kids to have pumpkin spice Play Dough.
Then again, maybe this autumn pumpkin spice craze might be going too far. Thanks a lot, Starbucks. Of course I was being sarcastic.
76. To decorate your living room for Thanksgiving, here’s a painting of a dysfunctional family dinner.
Still, may this dysfunctional family dinner painting be a reminder that you’re thankful for having a family that’s not like them. I mean these people seem very screwed up with several members being alcoholics.
77. For Thanksgiving, why don’t you eat pretzels with these turkey pretzel holders.
Of course, these Thanksgiving pretzel holders could also double as dildos. However, I’m sure a dildo with a turkey face could totally kill the mood.
78. Greet the new year with this stunning New Year’s Eve dress.
You may not know it, but this dress also doubles as a bedsheet or drapery. Still, hope this woman has a holed hood to go with it or she may offend many from the African American community.
79. To get in the Christmas spirit, I give you the coal angel.
Of course, this coal angel doesn’t seem too happy here. Then again, I’m sure there aren’t many kids who’d want her in their stocking. Yet, at least you can toss her in the fire come January.
80. Grace your office with this lovely glass paper weight of Swedish ice.
I don’t know about you, but this doesn’t seem to resemble much of a Swedish iceberg as it tends to look like a glass turd.