Olympic Sports from Ancient Greece

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This August, athletes will gather around the world at Rio de Janeiro for the 2016 Olympic Games, well, the ones who aren’t dissuaded from coming by fears pertaining to lack first respondents at the premises, Zika virus, pollution, and all the other ugly stuff going on in Brazil at the moment. Way before we had the modern Olympic Games of today, there were those of Ancient Greece. The first recorded Olympic Games in history was held at Olympia in 776 BCE which only featured one event, a foot race across the stadium. The first Olympic Champion was a cook and baker named Koroibos of Elis and from then on, every victor was recorded and each Olympiad after them. This gave us the first accurate chronology of the Greek world. However, whether this was the first Olympic Games in history will never be known. As to how they got started is a mystery. And it doesn’t help that Greek mythology isn’t noted for its consistency. Some attribute the origins to Zeus celebrating his victory over his father Kronos. Others attribute them to Pelops in honor of his father-in-law Oinomaos. Another legend attributes their founding to the famous Greek mythological hero Heracles (or Hercules as you know him). At any rate, organized athletic competitions already existed in both the Minoan and Mycenaean civilizations even if their sporting events were originally associated with funeral rituals, particularly those who’ve fallen in battle like the games of Patrolcus in Homer’s Iliad (organized by Achilles, no doubt). Nevertheless, every 4 years, people from all over Greece and beyond would flock to the sacred city of Olympia whether they be athletes seeking a prize, spectators, trainers, officials, and what not. When a 19th century French aristocrat named Baron Pierre de Coubertin decided to found the International Olympic Committee and restore to the Olympic Games, he intended to restore the games to as close to the Greek spirit as possible but without the religious elements, banning women from watching, and nudity. Yet, de Coubertain’s view of the Ancient Greek Olympics was kind of romanticized and sometimes unfair as best seen when Jim Thorpe was stripped of his medals because he played semi-pro sports (while the athletes were supposed to be amateurs). Meanwhile, the Ancient Greeks? They didn’t even have a designation on amateur or pro in their vocabulary. Nevertheless, the Olympic Games were quite different in Ancient Greece from the ones we’re used to.

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Here’s a close visual approximation on what Ancient Olympia might’ve looked like. But during antiquity, this would be where the Olympic Games were held every 4 years to honor the king of the gods Zeus.

Differences from the modern Olympic Games in general:

  1. It is only one of the Panhellenic Games in Ancient Greece with the quadrennial Pythian as well as the biennial Nemean and Isthmian. All these were sports festivals of Ancient Greek religious significance including the Olympics. However, the Olympics would remain the most prestigious of the four and best remembered.
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Here’s an artist’s depiction on the Statue of Zeus in his Olympia temple. He was the chief deity of the Greek gods who threw lightning bolts whenever pissed as well as couldn’t keep it in his pants.

2. It was a sports festival to honor Zeus and always took place at the sanctuary of Zeus in Olympia from 700 BCE. And it was because of this that they were suppressed by Roman Emperor Theodosius in 394 as part of a campaign to impose Christianity as the state religion of the Roman Empire.

3. Greek city states marked this occasion with a 3 month Olympic Truce so athletes could travel to the Games in safety when there would be no war or battles and no capital punishment. Violation of that truce consisted of fines. Yet, city states would also use the Olympic Games as a political tool to assert dominance over their rivals as well as later spread Hellenic culture throughout the Mediterranean.

4. Also featured religious celebrations as well as art competitions.

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Here is an olive wreath. Wreaths like these would be bestowed as prizes to Olympic victors along with an etching of their name to the winners roll (except for jockeys and charioteers). Further prizes bestowed on them would depending on their city-state of origin though they’d receive a hero’s welcome and other perks.

5. Prizes were only given to victors which consisted of olive leaf wreaths or crowns as well as other rewards from their home city states (Athenian Olympic winners could have a free meal in the City Hall every day for the rest of their lives as well as a substantial amount of cash). Chariot drivers only received red woolen ribbons worn on the upper arms or around the head while the horse owner received the crown. No Olympic medals in gold, silver, or bronze.

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Here is a hanging of the kind of Olympic events you’d see in Ancient Greece. These included sports in the Pentathlon, Track, Combat, and Equestrian.

6. Had fewer events and lasted for 5 days during the summer at the first full moon after the summer solstice (like mid-July). There were no winter events. However, athletes had to arrive one month before the games and had to declare that they’ve been training for at least 10 months.

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Despite that women weren’t allowed to even watch the Olympic Games in Ancient Greece under penalty of being thrown off Mt. Typaion (well, at least married women anyway), here you see women in Grecian dress at the most recent Olympic torch ceremony at the ruins of Olympia. I’ll get to the torch part later.

7. Only freeborn Greek men and boys who were citizens from Greek city states were allowed to participate (as long as they had a clean record, didn’t defile any temples, or violate the Olympic Truce). Married women weren’t even allowed to watch on penalty of death via being thrown off Mt. Typaion (though they could enter their horses in the equestrian events as well as chariot teams. But they couldn’t drive the chariot themselves. But men who were foreign born and slaves could and did. Also, unmarried girls could watch as well as the Demeter Chamyne priestess). However, ladies can compete, organize, and officiate in the Hera Games as long as they weren’t married but these consists of foot races, chariot racing, wrestling, and dances.

Training

Unless they were in the hoplite races or the equestrian events, Ancient Greek Olympic athletes usually performed naked. It was part of the Olympic dress code. Yes, I know it’s kind of weird but it’s an Ancient Greek thing.

8. Athletes competed in the nude unless noted otherwise. Exceptions were hoplite racers (who competed in armor) as well as jockeys and charioteers (for obvious safety reasons). Trainers were required to be nude after an athlete’s mother tried to pass herself off as one (but wasn’t executed because she was from a prominent Olympic family).

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Despite the association of lit torches with the Olympics, the Ancient Greeks had no Olympic torch relay. Other Ancient Greek sporting events did, however, including Athens.

9. There was no torch relay (though other Panhellenic Games did have torch relays in their other athletic festivals, including those at Athens).

10. Events were supervised by trained judges from Elis, the Hellanodikai (or agonothetai) who also had various assistants such as the alytai (police officers or referees). Originally these were inherited positions but they were later chosen by lot. They also had the power to disqualify, sort separate the men athletes from the boys (usually by physical appearance), and fine athletes for rule infringement. These guys wore purple cloaks and had special seats of honor in the stadium. Their decisions could never be revoked but they were subject to a council of elders and could be fined if any athlete successfully appealed.

11. Penalties for rule breaking ranged from exclusion and fines to flogging. Fines were paid to the sanctuary and the wronged athlete. But if an offender could not afford to pay the fine, then the city absorbed the penalty or else faced exclusion from the next Olympic Games.

The Greeks Played Naked for the Sake of Beauty

Just a bunch of guys training in the Olympics. Note how most of them have toned bodies like you’d see from 300. Don’t think that’s realistic. Come on.

12. First day consisted of an opening ceremony, judges and athletes taking oaths, competitor registration and scheduling, as well as sacrifice presentations to the gods. Second day consisted of the equestrian events and pentathlon before ending with honor the shrine of Pelops and a parade at the sanctuary of Zeus that included feasting and revelry. Third day had arrival of judges, ambassadors, competitors and Great Altar sacrificial animals, afternoon running races, and a public banquet at the Prytaneion. Fourth day was devoted to combat sports which ended with the hoplite race. And the fifth day was devoted to the closing ceremony.

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While there is an Ancient Greek legend of the first marathon of a messenger running a great distance to inform the leaders of their victory there before collapsing and dying, there was no Ancient Greek Olympic Marathon. Because Ancient Greek athletes weren’t that crazy to run 26 miles.

13. Despite the name having Greek origins as well as a famous story to go with it from the Persian Wars, there was no Olympic marathon.

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Sure this is from the chariot scene in the 1959 Ben Hur which takes place in Ancient Roman times and in 1st century Palestine. However, this is a very historically accurate portrayal on what ancient equestrian events were like. Ancient Greek Olympic chariot racing wouldn’t have been much different since it was a very violent sport with most races experiencing at least one crash and fatalities weren’t unheard of. Ancient chariot races would make today’s auto races seem like mere tea parties.

14. Equestrian events took place in the Hippodrome and were the province of the elite who can afford to equip and maintain horses and a chariot as well as cover the costs of trainers and the charioteer or jockey (who were usually paid servants, family members, or slaves). Only the owners received the olive wreaths and Altis statues, not the athletes. Yet, unlike the equestrian events of today, they appealed to the less than idealistic spectator instincts like “shock value TV” nowadays. Most of the fascination was predicated by their violent nature with the races being quite dangerous and sometimes fatal (think of the Ben Hur chariot race scene. Most chariot races had at least 1 crash per race). Collisions, crashes, and horse wrecks were common, especially near the critical turning post. Equestrian race lengths were grueling distances.

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And here’s another picture from the chariot scene in Ben Hur. Notice how Judah knocked Messala off his chariot away from the spiked wheel which means he’s likely going to die sometime later. Ancient Greek Olympic chariot racing was quite similar in its violence. And the violence in these equestrian events contributed to the entertainment value. Remember these sports weren’t for wimps.

15. Athletes caught cheating had to build a statue of themselves and engrave their name on it so that the city people would know who might cheat in life. These statues were called Zanes.

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Like the Roman chariot race scene in Ben Hur, cheating was also frequent in the Ancient Greek Olympics. However, while those caught cheating had to engrave their names on a Zane statue, they were never made to forfeit their winnings. Just a bad reputation. Yeah, I know it’s pretty awful but a winner was a winner in Ancient Greece even if he was corrupt. Like Tom Brady and the New England Patriots which won 4 Super Bowls.

16. If a winner was caught cheating, he was never made to give up his winnings despite his corruption. Nevertheless, cheating was very common in these games with other participants tampering with other athletes’ equipment, bribing officials, or making them fall during a chariot race (again think of Ben Hur with Messala’s metal spike on his wheel that would basically grind into his rivals’ wheels and cause them to wreck. However, given that Messala is an aristocrat and an officer, it’s very unlikely that he’d be driving his own chariot. Chances are he’d hire someone to drive it for him).

17. No measurements were recorded of the length pertaining to a jump, discus, or javelin throw. No times were kept for the running events. But winners’ names might be recorded but they wouldn’t be considered record holders. Because breaking records wasn’t a thing.

Ancient boxing

This is probably not an Ancient Greek Olympic event depiction due to a female presence. Yet, while modern combat sports match contenders through weight classes, this wasn’t the case in Ancient Greece. During their Olympics, people were matched up according to lot, though the unluckier athletes had a chance to forfeit.

18. Combatants were matched to each other by matching lots before each round. Unlucky athletes matched up against a much stronger opponent usually had the opportunity to withdraw before it was too late to avoid serious injury.

19. Runners and horse racers were sorted into their names by lot.

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And here are the ruins of what’s left of the Temple of Zeus in Olympia. It’s said to be one of the 7 Wonders of the Ancient world according to Herodotus.

The events were also quite different in the Ancient Greek Olympic Games. Sure we have some of these events in our modern Olympics, but they’re not quite conducted like nowadays. Some of them are not on the modern Olympic sports roster due to obvious reasons like safety and cruelty to animals. Other events you see in the modern Olympic Games were either not known in Greece at the time or even invented.

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This is what’s left of the Olympia stadium which hosted the Ancient Greek Olympics. At one time, it could hold about 45,000 spectators (and not a single woman among them, well, as far as the rules are concerned).

Greek Olympic Events:

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Olympic victors in Ancient Greece would become instant celebrities and were celebrated like heroes in their home town. Here is a victor being bestowed an olive wreath from Nike, the Greek goddess of victory.

Track:

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Track events were a long time staple of the Ancient Greek Olympics, which hosted 4 of these. These include 3 races of varying distances as well as a hoplite race where participants were clad in armor.

  1. Stadion – From Olympic Legacy: “The “stadion” was a simple sprint from one end of the stadium to the other, a distance of 600 feet (192.27 meters). This premiere competition of the ancient Olympics was the only event for the first thirteen Olympiads and was never omitted from the program in a millennium. In addition, the stadion became part of the pentathlon when it was introduced in 708 BC.”
  2. Diaulos- From Olympic Legacy: “At 1,200 feet (384.54 meters), the “diaulos” was double the length of the stadion. This second-oldest event was run in a straight line from one end of the stadium to the other and back, rather than in an elliptical lap, as we do today.”
  3. Dolichos- From Olympic Legacy: “Although the exact distance that “dolichos” runner had to traverse is not clear, it is known that this was a lengthy race, requiring great endurance. It is possible that the length was 24 stadia, or 14, 400 feet (4,615 meters).”
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The Hoplitodromos was usually the grand finale of each Ancient Greek Olympic Games. This consisted of athletes running 1,200 ft across the stadium in full hoplite armor. And yes, it was probably not comfortable to do that in mid-July, especially in Greece.

4. Hoplitodromos- From Olympic Legacy: “This theatrical event was the grand finale of each Olympiad. Participants raced the length of a diaulos (1,200 feet / 384.54 meters) with helmet, greaves (lower-leg armor), and a round shield. This militaristic closing event was a reminder that the Olympic truce was almost over.” These were the only runners who didn’t compete in the buff but this was probably not pleasant for the athletes. Think of the armor coming off loose, men tripping and falling, as well as other crowd pleasing chaos.

Pentathlon:

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In Ancient Greece, the Pentathlon was a major spectacle that consisted of 5 events like 200m dash, javelin, long jump, discus, and wrestling. Nowadays, discus, javelin, and long jump are considered separate events. Not so in Ancient Greece.

  1. Pentathlon- From Olympic Legacy: “The pentathlon consisted of five competitions. The 200-meter dash ( [stadion] ) and [wrestling] were events in their own right, but the remaining events (long jump, discus, and javelin) were only part of the pentathlon competition. Unfortunately, little is known about the order of competition, rules, or how a winner was determined. It is certain, however, that pentathletes (who were greatly admired in antiquity) must have possessed incredible endurance in order to compete in five events in one afternoon. Although it is not known who invented it or how it originated, we do know it was a very popular event.”
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Unlike its modern counterpart, the Ancient Greek Olympic long jump was quite different. For instance, pentathlon athletes used small weights on each hand to pull this off. It wasn’t easy to accomplish.

6. Long Jump- From Olympic Legacy: “The most significant difference between the ancient long jump and its modern cousin is in the use of jumping weights called “halteres.” These small weights held in each hand were swung forward with great force as the jump was launched to propel the jumper forward as much as possible. They would then be swung back and down just before landing. This technically challenging feat was often performed to the accompaniment of flute music, which helped the athlete to maintain the necessary rhythm and spilt-second timing. The jumps took place in a rectangular sand pit in the stadium, with a small take-off ramp on one side. It is unknown whether the long-jump of antiquity was a single, double, or even triple jump.”

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Here’s a an Ancient Greek sculpture of an Olympic discus thrower. Unlike today’s throwers, pentathlon athletes back in Olympia probably threw no further than with a 3/4 turn. The discus itself was either made of stone or metal.

7. Discus- From Olympic Legacy: “This curious sport lives on in the modern Games. The graceful poses of ancient throwers were almost the same as those of today, except that it is likely the ancient athlete made no more than a three-quarter turn, in contrast to the full spins that are standard technique today. Very little is known about the length of throws in those days, although any figure would have little meaning without knowing the weight of the discus that was thrown. Discuses, which were made of stone or metal, were often marked with inscriptions. The terms of the ancient Olympic truce were engraved on a discus and displayed in the Altis.”

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Ancient Greek pentathlon athletes used a leather throng to fling the javelin. It helped if the athlete had military training because soldiers relied heavily on javelins as an offensive weapon.

8. Javelin- From Olympic Legacy: “This event is another example of the traditions that live on the Games of today. In ancient times, this was not a idle sport—warriors relied heavily on the javelin as an offensive weapon. The only real difference between the ancient and modern versions of this event is the use of the “anklye”—a leather thong used to fling the javelin. This strap, which was wound around the shaft and held by its free end, unwound as the spear was thrown, making the javelin spin and ensuring a steady flight.”

 

Combat:

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Here’s a painting depicting an Olympic wrestling match from Ancient Greece. I know it involves a couple of naked guys going at it which I’m aware will upset parents and Bible Belt Christians. But this is what Ancient Greek combat sports were like. I’m trying to enlighten people here.

  1. Wrestling- From Olympic Legacy: “Matches were held in an area filled with sand. Once a match began, it continued without interval until one man had thrown his opponent three times (touching the ground with the back, shoulders, or hip constituted a fall). There were no divisions by weigh, and the bigger men tended to win. Contestants were allowed to trip, but not to bite, gouge, or punch. Over the years, the variety of holds and tricks grew in number and sophistication. Wrestling became the final event of the pentathlon when it was introduced in 708 BC.”
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Here’s an Ancient Greek sculpture of an Olympic boxer. Boxing was one of the most brutal sports at the time. And participants often ended up disfigured (since most boxers bashed each other’s heads). Too bad the leather straps didn’t offer much protection.

10. Boxing- From Olympic Legacy: “Although ancient boxing is similar to its modern counterpart, matches were not conducted in a roped-off ring and there were no breaks and no time limit. Victory was declared when one opponent was knocked out or conceded the contest. No wrestling or holding were allowed, but it was possible to hit a fallen opponent. Virtually all blows were directed to the head, while the body was left exposed. A series of hand straps evolved over the years, culminating in a relatively sophisticated glove. This hand-gear did not lessen the violence of this sport, and ancient boxers were very recognizable by their “cauliflower ears” and other facial disfigurements.” Serious injuries were common and fatalities weren’t unknown. It was considered to be the most violent sport in Ancient Greece.

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Panrkation was an a very brutal, empty hand submission, and all-in type of wrestling in Ancient Greece with scarcely any rules other than no gouging eyes or biting. Basically combatants do almost whatever it takes to pummel their opponent to the ground. Used techniques or wrestling, boxing, and others. It’s the Ancient Greek equivalent to MMA.

11. Pankration- From Olympic Legacy: “This hugely popular event, which ancient poets were inspired to immortalize with numerous odes, is unlike any competition today. It was a conglomeration of elements from boxing, a form a wrestling known as “ground wrestling,” and elements quite unique to itself. Judging by what was allowed—competitors could strike with the fist, an open hand, twist arms, even break fingers!—the pankration seems very violent, yet it was considered less dangerous than boxing. Much of the struggle took place on the ground, although several upright holds were popular. In contrast to the sand-filled wrestling square, the pankration was conducted in an area where the ground was watered and somewhat muddy.” In a nutshell, this is the Ancient Greek equivalent to MMA and UFC in which the only illegal moves were eye gouging and biting. Also experienced some occasional fatalities.The famous Greek philosopher Plato was said to do extremely well in this event. Yes, that Plato. Yeah, you probably don’t imagine your Greek philosophers doing MMA stuff. But if he wasn’t, he’d be just known as Aristocles.

 

Equestrian:

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This is a 1908 painting of the Ben Hur chariot scene where Judah gets back on his chariot and eventually knocks Messala down which sends him to his eventual death. In Ancient Greek Olympics, this type of chariot racing was called Tethrippon which consisted of 4 horse chariots doing 12 laps across the track. It’s more like Ancient Greek NASCAR than contemporary harness racing while much more violent and much less safe. Seriously, people actually died in these races.

  1. Tethrippon- From Ancient History Encyclopedia: “the four-horse chariot race added in 680 BCE, run over ten or twelve circuits of the hippodrome. A version using foals over 8 circuits was added in 384 BCE.” Keep in mind that 12 circuits translates to 14 kilometers or 8.7 miles.
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Ancient Greek Olympic horse racing was extremely dangerous since jockeys rode with no saddles, stirrups, horseshoes, or safety equipment. They were also riding on rough ground. So if riders were thrown off their horses, they would die.

13. Keles- From Ancient History Encyclopedia: “a horse race added in 648 BCE and run over 6 circuits. A version for foals was added in 256 BCE.” Keep in mind that 6 circuits equal 7 kilometers or 4.3 miles. Remember that horseshoes, saddles, and stirrups weren’t invented yet though whips were sometimes employed. It was especially dangerous because the ground was so rough. Riders thrown to the ground usually died. This kind of horseback riding isn’t one for wimps and perhaps the most dangerous.

14. Apene- From Ancient History Encyclopedia: “a race with chariots pulled by two mules, added in 500 BCE (dropped from 444 BCE).”

15. Kalpe- From Ancient History Encyclopedia: “a trotting horse race for mares, added in 496 BCE (dropped from 444 BCE).” FAMSF adds: “After a few laps around the track on the animals’ backs, the riders jumped off and ran the last lap alongside the galloping horse. In addition to the challenge of trying to keep up on foot with a horse, the competitors also had to avoid being trampled to death.” Wonder what the body count on this sport was. This just seems so stupid.

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While the Tethrippon consisted of a chariot race pulled by 4 horses, the Synoris chariots were pulled by 2. But it’s way more dangerous than modern harness racing.

16. Synoris- From Ancient History Encyclopedia: “the two-horse chariot race run over eight circuits of the hippodrome, added in 408 BCE. A version using foals over three circuits was added in 268 BCE.”

Other:

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Alongside athletic events, the Ancient Greek Olympics had a contest for trumpeters. The winner would be seen as the herald of the Games.

  1. Herald and Trumpeter Competitions- From Ancient History Encyclopedia: “added in 396 BCE. This was held on the first day and the winners – those whose sound carried the furthest – were also given the honour of announcing the victors on the final day at the official prize-giving event.” At least people didn’t die in this event.

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The Anthro World of Furry Costumes

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Along with the 4th of July festivities this weekend in Pittsburgh (sans Three Rivers Regatta), from June 30th to July 3rd, the Steel City will pay host to Anthrocon at the David L. Lawrence Convention Center which will celebrate its 20th anniversary. Anthrocon is said to be the world’s largest furry convention which takes place in a city that’s only an hour from where I live. So as a resident of Southwestern, Pennsylvania, there’s really no way I can avoid discussing the furry subculture. Yet, despite that Anthrocon has been held in Pittsburgh since 2006, I wasn’t aware of their existence until I was on summer break from college in 2009 when my dad read aloud an article from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette about a political staffer for one of the infamous Orie sisters got in trouble for trying to solicit sex with a 15-year-old boy. Now I know that stories revolving around child molestation aren’t funny nor something you should laugh at. However, the fact this guy was also a furry and how the article got into his furry activities sounded so utterly ridiculous that I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. That being said, I know it wasn’t right of me to do that and I acknowledge that most furries aren’t a bunch of depraved sex maniacs despite the stereotype. So what’s a furry? Well, a furries are people who are into anthropomorphic animal characters, many of whom dress in animal costumes, adopt fursonas, and attend furry conventions and parades. There’s also a lot of furry artwork that I’ve viewed while I was searching for costumes for this article. The furry fandom itself draws inspiration from fictional works pertaining to animal characters in science fiction, fantasy, and allegory like Watership Down, Kimba the White Lion, Sonic the Hedgehog, Star Fox, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Redwall, and Disney’s Robin Hood. However, while furry conventions have existed since the 1980s, the furry fandom didn’t become the subculture it is today until the Internet was made available to the general population. However, while depraved perverts do exist among the Furry Fandom (like the political staffer I previously mentioned), this stereotype doesn’t describe most furries. But the media has with casting them that way as seen by the example I discussed above that many people assume they are. As for the city of Pittsburgh, well, they don’t mind so much as long as the furries behave themselves and spend their money. That being said, for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasure trove of furry costumes.

 

  1. Sometimes you’ll find people who never seemed to outgrow My Little Pony.
Not sure who the white and blue unicorn is. But the other one is Pinkie Pie. Sorry, but I'm not familiar with My Little Pony.

Not sure who the white and blue unicorn is. But the other one is Rainbow Dash. Sorry, but I’m not familiar with My Little Pony.

2. Don’t see a sheep on two legs every day.

Also, I don't think real sheep have two sets of horns. Guess this is probably because big horns look awesome.

Also, I don’t think real sheep have two sets of horns. Guess this is probably because big horns look awesome.

3. This leopard prefers to lounge around in a kimono with a matching parasol.

However, this leopard doesn't really seem content. Also has blond hair for some reason.

However, this leopard doesn’t really seem content. Also has blond hair for some reason.

4. This Great Horned Owl is said to be quite a wizard.

It's obvious this guy is a Harry Potter fan. However, his scarf suggests that he's from Slytherin.

It’s obvious this guy is a Harry Potter fan. However, his scarf suggests that he’s from Slytherin.

5. This raccoon is always dressed for the street.

But this creature has to be careful where it puts its tail. Like the sunglasses though.

But this creature has to be careful where it puts its tail. Like the sunglasses though.

6. Guess this wolf once worked for Lisa Frank.

The rainbow fur is a lucky guess. So are the rainbow sweatshirt and glow sticks.

The rainbow fur is a lucky guess. So are the rainbow sweatshirt and glow sticks.

7. Guess these two are a couple of traveling jack rabbits.

I was right. After all, they have their backpacks, bandannas, hats, and everything.

I was right. After all, they have their backpacks, bandannas, hats, and everything.

8. With furries, love always transcends species.

Who said cats and dogs can't get a long? Well, this is kind of cute in its own way.

Who said cats and dogs can’t get a long? Well, this is kind of cute in its own way.

9. These two dogs have no trouble being noticed.

Because these two are in bright colors that you wouldn't see on most mammals in nature. Neon orange and bright blue, come on.

Because these two are in bright colors that you wouldn’t see on most mammals in nature. Neon orange and bright blue, come on.

10. For this fox, flying is a breeze.

You should note that some of these costumes do include mix and match critter. And some creatures in fantasy and mythology. This fox also has horns, by the way.

You should note that some of these costumes do include mix and match critter. And some creatures in fantasy and mythology. This fox also has horns, by the way.

11. This fox doesn’t want to be kept waiting.

So what is this fox waiting for? An easy meal. Beats me.

So what is this fox waiting for? An easy meal. Beats me.

12. Oh, deer.

Wonder what this deer did in the kitchen that makes him so embarrassed? Anyway, I'm sure any broken utensils can be replaced for a buck or two.

Wonder what this deer did in the kitchen that makes him so embarrassed? Anyway, I’m sure any broken utensils can be replaced for a buck or two.

13. This lion is totally pumped.

Then again, he might be some kind of chimera if my mythology is right. Probably one that lacks horns.

Then again, he might be some kind of chimera if my mythology is right. Probably one that lacks horns.

14. I present to you bird that was born in the wrong era.

Yes, that's a prehistoric bird in modern street clothes. And yes, she's probably among the last of her kind if there's anything to go by.

Yes, that’s a prehistoric bird in modern street clothes. And yes, she’s probably among the last of her kind if there’s anything to go by.

15. This zebra really enjoys the view from the balcony.

While zebras are horses, they were never domesticated because they have very bad tempers. Given that they're lion prey, this is understandable.

While zebras are horses, they were never domesticated because they have very bad tempers. Given that they’re lion prey, this is understandable.

16. Hey, is that Fantastic Mr. Fox?

Or just a fox dressed in business attire? I can't really tell for sure.

Or just a fox dressed in business attire? I can’t really tell for sure.

17. This dalmatian has a Mickey Mouse spot.

Remind him that he be wary of a skinny middle aged woman in furs with a cigarette handle. Because Cruella just has to have a puppy fur coat.

Remind him that he be wary of a skinny middle aged woman in furs with a cigarette handle. Because Cruella just has to have a puppy fur coat.

18. How about a “hi” from a friendly polar bear?

Well, that looks quite realistic for an animal costume. But real polar bears aren't friendly. Remember that.

Well, that looks quite realistic for an animal costume. But real polar bears aren’t friendly. Remember that.

19. Wonder what this black cat has been through.

Wasn't a cat like this featured in an Edgar Allan Poe story? Then again, it's missing a pupil.

Wasn’t a cat like this featured in an Edgar Allan Poe story? Then again, it’s missing a pupil.

20. Guess this pooch prefers a dog in uniform.

This is probably from Britain due to the lady dog's police uniform style. It's very apparent in the hat.

This is probably from Britain due to the lady dog’s police uniform style. It’s very apparent in the hat.

21. This snow leopard surely has a beautiful coat.

That's a very convincing costume here. Wonder what it costs to make it. Like the eyes.

That’s a very convincing costume here. Wonder what it costs to make it. Like the eyes.

22. Not sure if she should try on that French maid outfit.

That looks pretty awkward. Then again, it's probably played for comedy.

That looks pretty awkward. Then again, it’s probably played for comedy.

23. A dog like her is almost impossible to resist.

Well, this isn't too bad. At least the hair style goes well with the ears and outfit.

Well, this isn’t too bad. At least the hair style goes well with the ears and outfit.

24. Bet this dog is a little bit husky.

Why does he have white eyebrows? Because I don't think dogs have them. Oh, wait, furries are fans of anthropomorphic characters. That explains it.

Why does he have white eyebrows? Because I don’t think dogs have them. Oh, wait, furries are fans of anthropomorphic characters. That explains it.

25. Now that is one funky colored fox.

As you can see, furry costumes don't always have to be in natural colors. This one is in pink and black. And is sure to stand out 24/7.

As you can see, furry costumes don’t always have to be in natural colors. This one is in pink and black. And is sure to stand out 24/7.

26. I give you a look at an Arctic fox.

Does not seem too friendly. But I do think the head is spot on.

Does not seem too friendly. But I do think the head is spot on.

27. This eagle always dresses for the occasion.

For a second, I'd mistake him for some PSA kid appeal mascot. Because he surely resembles one.

For a second, I’d mistake him for some PSA kid appeal mascot. Because he surely resembles one.

28. Never seen a satyr tiger before.

Funny how he has a goat beard, horns, and hooves. Then again, you don't want to mess with tigers.

Funny how he has a goat beard, horns, and hooves. Then again, you don’t want to mess with tigers.

29. You wouldn’t want to run in with a creature that glows in the dark.

Not sure what this creature is supposed to be. But I do think the light up effects from the face are cool.

Not sure what this creature is supposed to be. But I do think the light up effects from the face are cool.

30. Whatever this creature is, don’t mess with it.

Guess this is a case of a mix and match critter holding a couple powerful weapons. Of course, they're props but still. Don't know what this is.

Guess this is a case of a mix and match critter holding a couple powerful weapons. Of course, they’re props but still. Don’t know what this is.

31. Heard of a blue beast with bat wings?

That's something you don't see every day. I'm sure it's a fox. But you'd have to wonder if it was inspired by a drug trip.

That’s something you don’t see every day. I’m sure it’s a fox. But you’d have to wonder if it was inspired by a drug trip.

32. This blue bird is happy to spread his wings.

I'm sure this is a fantasy bird. Because I'm not sure if a bird like that exists in real life. The clothes fit him though.

I’m sure this is a fantasy bird. Because I’m not sure if a bird like that exists in real life. The clothes fit him though.

33. That is one funky colored fox.

I know what you might be thinking. And no, I don't think the legs and tail are tie dyed.

I know what you might be thinking. And no, I don’t think the legs and tail are tie dyed.

34. A dog always looks badass with ridges on its back.

Yes, you have the furries that have dinosaur aspects to their costumes, too. Guess they think it looks cool.

Yes, you have the furries that have dinosaur aspects to their costumes, too. Guess they think it looks cool.

35. Don’t mind the sweet tiger here.

She's just minding her own business. Not sure about the girly dress though.

She’s just minding her own business. Not sure about the girly dress though.

36. A lone wolf needs to fend for himself in the West.

Because the lone wolves don't have the packs to back them up. So they're drifting from town to town, getting into saloon gun matches and high noon showdowns.

Because the lone wolves don’t have the packs to back them up. So they’re drifting from town to town, getting into saloon gun matches and high noon showdowns.

37. “Which way to the North Pole?”

Odd, because I thought Santa's reindeer were at the North Pole 24/7 save Christmas Eve. Then again, I may be wrong.

Odd, because I thought Santa’s reindeer were at the North Pole 24/7 save Christmas Eve. Then again, I may be wrong.

38. For winter, black and neon green is all you need.

Is he supposed to be a bobcat from a raid? Then again, with some furry costumes, it's hard to tell.

Is he supposed to be a bobcat from a raid? Then again, with some furry costumes, it’s hard to tell.

39. “I shall call him Mini Me.”

Not sure what to think about him having a plushie in his likeness. But to each his own.

Not sure what to think about him having a plushie in his likeness. But to each his own.

40. Ever seen a fuzzy blue dragon before?

Neither did I. But he doesn't seem dangerous from this angle.

Neither did I. But he doesn’t seem dangerous from this angle.

41. Guess this guy has a thing for pampered pooches.

Not sure what the animal on the right is supposed to be. But the girl dog with glasses doesn't look too bad.

Not sure what the animal on the right is supposed to be. But the girl dog with glasses doesn’t look too bad.

42. All this gorilla wants to do is relax and knit.

Wouldn't expect to see anyone knit in a gorilla suit. But that's pretty funny.

Wouldn’t expect to see anyone knit in a gorilla suit. But that’s pretty funny.

43. This dog might have an aversion to hugs.

Then again, funky colors in nature tend to be warnings to stay away. So he might be poisonous.

Then again, funky colors in nature tend to be warnings to stay away. So he might be poisonous.

44. I’m sure you don’t want to run into a creature like him on a bad day.

Another case of mix and match critters for sure. But he does look like some grim beast from a horror movie.

Another case of mix and match critters for sure. But he does look like some grim beast from a horror movie.

45. As for what to call this creature, I don’t have the slightest idea.

Honestly, I don't know what this is supposed to be. Is it from outer space? Was it made in a lab by some mad scientist?

Honestly, I don’t know what this is supposed to be. Is it from outer space? Was it made in a lab by some mad scientist?

46. This high class cat shows up properly dressed.

Because he always has to epitomize the height of feline sophistication. Like that suit.

Because he always has to epitomize the height of feline sophistication. Like that suit.

47. Hey, that’s not a Playboy Bunny!

Then again, vixens are said to be quite sexy. Not sure if the blond hair goes well with the red fur.

Then again, vixens are said to be quite sexy. Not sure if the blond hair goes well with the red fur.

48. Hey, it’s Rocket from Guardians of the Galaxy.

And it seems that he's brought the big guns. Then again, as a raccoon, he doesn't expect to live long anyway.

And it seems that he’s brought the big guns. Then again, as a raccoon, he doesn’t expect to live long anyway.

49. Take a look at this jackalope.

It's said to be a jackrabbit with antlers from the American Southwest. In reality, some of these alleged "jackalopes" were infected by some sort of virus.

It’s said to be a jackrabbit with antlers from the American Southwest. In reality, some of these alleged “jackalopes” were infected by some sort of virus.

50.Guess this is what you’d call a real cowboy.

Because he's a cow, possibly a Texas Longhorn. Though I can't say whether he's a bull or steer.

Because he’s a cow, possibly a Texas Longhorn. Though I can’t say whether he’s a bull or steer.

51. How about you give one to this horse?

He even has his hooves shoed and is well bridled. Plus, he's great with kids.

He even has his hooves shoed and is well bridled. Plus, he’s great with kids.

52. This lovely dark horse has quite a mane and tail.

I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks she should be a Mane and Tail mascot. It's an animal shampoo by the way.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she thinks she should be a Mane and Tail mascot. It’s an animal shampoo by the way.

53. This purple griffin is dressed and ready for battle.

Now I know what this fantasy creature is supposed to be. Wouldn't want to mess with him though.

Now I know what this fantasy creature is supposed to be. Wouldn’t want to mess with him though.

54. Guess this cat likes chilling in the city.

And this city happens to be Pittsburgh. Again, not sure what this animal is supposed to be.

And this city happens to be Pittsburgh. Again, not sure what this animal is supposed to be.

55. I call this one a city griffin.

Because of the street attire. Hope it doesn't cause too much trouble.

Because of the street attire. Hope it doesn’t cause too much trouble.

56. I don’t this this cute leopard girl would hurt you.

However, a real leopard will if you do something to piss it off. Not sure about the red hair though.

However, a real leopard will if you do something to piss it off. Not sure about the red hair though.

57. Guess this shark doesn’t know what else to do.

Perhaps he's just a fish out of water at this rate. Doesn't understand why people flee when he's out and about.

Perhaps he’s just a fish out of water at this rate. Doesn’t understand why people flee when he’s out and about.

58. Some predators can be visually challenged.

However, since glasses aren't available in the wild, this carnivore wouldn't last long. Also, the blue spots wouldn't help either.

However, since glasses aren’t available in the wild, this carnivore wouldn’t last long. Also, the blue spots wouldn’t help either.

59. It’s not every day you run into a hyena.

Not that you'd want to in the wild. Also, I hyenas aren't cuddly at all by any stretch.

Not that you’d want to in the wild. Also, I hyenas aren’t cuddly at all by any stretch.

60. Not sure if you’d want to touch this hedgehog.

Because if you scare her, she might curl into a ball and give you a few wounds. Yes, hedgehogs aren't to be trifled with.

Because if you scare her, she might curl into a ball and give you a few wounds. Yes, hedgehogs aren’t to be trifled with.

61. A black dog can be quite a badass.

And yes, he sure looks menacing with all his gear. But in a cute way.

And yes, he sure looks menacing with all his gear. But in a cute way.

62. This cat surely knows how to make a regal entrance.

At least that's what I can tell by the face. But she does seem to have hooves.

At least that’s what I can tell by the face. But she does seem to have hooves.

63. This colorful bird just wants to enjoy the flowers.

And what a colorful bird she is. Yet, I bet the male counterpart of her species is even more fantastic looking.

And what a colorful bird she is. Yet, I bet the male counterpart of her species is even more fantastic looking.

64. Hey, is that Toothless the dragon?

I think that is. Sure he's adorable but he's very powerful so don't mess with him.

I think that is. Sure he’s adorable but he’s very powerful so don’t mess with him.

65. I guess this bear is hard to resist in a den.

But touch her children, she'll rip you to shreds. Because mama bears are the last moms you'd want to cross.

But touch her children, she’ll rip you to shreds. Because mama bears are the last moms you’d want to cross.

66. This cool cat just wants to enjoy the winter.

So what if he decides to go casual? It's his choice. As long as he's comfortable.

So what if he decides to go casual? It’s his choice. As long as he’s comfortable.

67. Guess this is what you call a real video hound.

Yes, that's a dog with a camcorder. There's also a Video Hound website by the way, too.

Yes, that’s a dog with a camcorder. There’s also a Video Hound website by the way, too.

68. This lizard doesn’t want to be late.

Hey, not all furries have to be birds, mammals, and dragons. Wonder how long it took for this person to make this costume.

Hey, not all furries have to be birds, mammals, and dragons. Wonder how long it took for this person to make this costume.

69. Seems like the rainbow wolves have taken over.

And they're trying take another in with crayons. He probably won't escape any time soon.

And they’re trying take another in with crayons. He probably won’t escape any time soon.

70. “Excuse me, can you give me directions to Cougar Town?”

Because she's an actual cougar as far as I could tell. Still, if she's looking for a guy, she can find no shortage of sports mascots available.

Because she’s an actual cougar as far as I could tell. Still, if she’s looking for a guy, she can find no shortage of sports mascots available.

71. “Mind if I sample some of your picnic basket?”

This is probably a costume you shouldn't wear at a campground or park, for obvious reasons. Because black bears are more common than grizzlies.

This is probably a costume you shouldn’t wear at a campground or park, for obvious reasons. Because black bears are more common than grizzlies.

72. This owl doesn’t give a hoot what you think.

Because after all, it's active at night. So you're not going to see it out and about anyway.

Because after all, it’s active at night. So you’re not going to see it out and about anyway.

73. Hey, look, space cats.

Or at least one of them is. The other might be a Steampunk mechanic of some sort.

Or at least one of them is. The other might be a Steampunk mechanic of some sort.

74. This animal loves to be the life of the party.

According to how he's dressed anyway. Helps that he stands out.

According to how he’s dressed anyway. Helps that he stands out.

75. Guess this mare is one of those derby groupies.

Okay, that's a joke I couldn't resist. But she does have a nice mane and tail.

Okay, that’s a joke I couldn’t resist. But she does have a nice mane and tail.

76. Take a load on this bat.

Guess you can call him a literal Batman if you ask me. Sorry, Bruce Wayne.

Guess you can call him a literal Batman if you ask me. Sorry, Bruce Wayne.

77. Try driving this guy to extinction.

Yes, that's supposed to be a mastodon which is now extinct. But this costume is pretty cool.

Yes, that’s supposed to be a mastodon which is now extinct. But this costume is pretty cool.

78. Guess I’d call this one a Southern Fox.

Yes, I know the Confederate flag image is racist. But I had to include this on just because.

Yes, I know the Confederate flag image is racist. But I had to include this on the post just because.

79. Oh, no, it’s the Minotaur!

Come to think of it, he might fit right in. As long as he doesn't ask for a meal of 14 Athenian youths.

Come to think of it, he might fit right in. As long as he doesn’t ask for a meal of 14 Athenian youths.

80. My, this canine is sharply dressed.

However, he can still bite even in a tuxedo. And he has the scars to prove it. So remember that.

However, he can still bite even in a tuxedo. And he has the scars to prove it. So remember that.

Talk to Your Doctor about These Vintage Pharmaceutical Ads

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Disclaimer: The following article contains vintage medical advice that has been proven bunk by posterity as well as depict drugs that have since been seen as illegal or unavailable due to the damage they did or still do to people. Besides, it doesn’t help that a lot of these vintage ads are based on dubious medical claims thanks to the lack of oversight on medicine at the time. If you’re here for actual medical tips to solve your medical problems, this is not the site for you. Thank you.

Unless you live under a rock, you might notice that Pharma ads are everywhere whether you watch TV, go on the Internet, or open a magazine. After all, medicine is a stable of healthcare to treat various ailments whether they be through a doctor’s prescription or over the counter. You might see listings for various side effects that might scare you. But at least you have the FDA requiring drug companies to address them as well as go through a long testing process to see if the drug is safe and lives up to its claims. Still, remember that medicines aren’t miracle cures for what you’re suffering. And it’s been known in the world of pharmaceuticals that one person’s life saver can be another person’s poison. However, back in the good ol’ days, you didn’t have an agency like the FDA, clinical trials, or other stuff like that to see that the drugs on the market won’t kill you. Sure it might lead to a lot of drugs on the market that might help people, but more often than not, it created an ideal environment for your local snake oil salesman along with so many other substances marketed as pharmaceuticals under dubious medical claims. And many of these drugs led to all kinds of harm such as addiction and/or death. Not that drugs were less harmful once the US had the FDA back then. Because a lot of drugs that you might have sold over the counter in the early 1900s have become the illegal street drugs that have caused a menace to society, with the possible exception of marijuana. So for your reading pleasure, here I give you a treasury of vintage pharma ads from the not so good old days of medicine.

 

  1. For dysepsia and blood, take some Quaker Bitters.
Why is that girl in a barrel? Seriously, that's just crazy for God's sake.

Why is that girl in a barrel? Seriously, that’s just crazy for God’s sake.

2. For upset stomach, take some 7 Up Lithiated Soda.

Yes, soft drinks were once used as medicines before they became regular beverage. And yes, the original 7 Up did contain lithium which is today used to treat manic depression.

Yes, soft drinks were once used as medicines before they became regular beverage. And yes, the original 7 Up did contain lithium which is today used to treat manic depression.

3. To relieve all kinds of pain, you might want to try some St. Jacobs Oil.

According to the Center for Inquiry, it's said to contain chloroform, turpentine, camphor, ether, alcohol, Carbolic acid, capsicum, and aconite. Aconite, by the way is a deadly poison from the Monk's Hood flower that's also known as Wolfsbane and Jacob's Chariot.

According to the Center for Inquiry, it’s said to contain chloroform, turpentine, camphor, ether, alcohol, Carbolic acid, capsicum, and aconite. Aconite, by the way is a deadly poison from the Monk’s Hood flower that’s also known as Wolfsbane and Jacob’s Chariot.

4. Cigares de Joy are said to bring immediate relief for all kinds of respiratory problems.

In 1875, these were ‘very useful little agents for inhaling the smoke of stramonium.’ A common remedy for asthma, Datura stramonium is a hallucinogenic. Also, smoking is very bad for your lungs.

In 1875, these were ‘very useful little agents for inhaling the smoke of stramonium.’ A common remedy for asthma, Datura stramonium is a hallucinogenic. Also, smoking is very bad for your lungs.

5. Got menstrual problems, try some Ergoapiol.

Sold in the early 1900s, this drug contains the ergot fungus and Apiol. One can reduce blood flow that gangrene sets in as well as cause hallucinations. The other can damage your liver and kidneys.

Sold in the early 1900s, this drug contains the ergot fungus and Apiol. One can reduce blood flow that gangrene sets in as well as cause hallucinations. The other can damage your liver and kidneys.

6. “Midol helps me forget my time of the month wherever I am.”

Except in the bathroom. Or when you have change your pad or tampon at regular intervals. Or when you find blood stains on your underwear. Seriously, this isn't an accurate representation of a woman during her "time of the month."

Except in the bathroom. Or when you have change your pad or tampon at regular intervals. Or when you find blood stains on your underwear. Seriously, this isn’t an accurate representation of a woman during her “time of the month.”

7. Whether it’s menstruation or men, always count on Midol.

If your guy is your No. 1 reason for Midol, ladies, you might want to reevaluate your relationship. Because Midol is mainly used for menstrual cramps.

If your guy is your No. 1 reason for Midol, ladies, you might want to reevaluate your relationship. Because Midol is mainly used for menstrual cramps.

8. For obese and cranky patients, give them Ambar.

For one, these people don't seem "obese" in the modern sense of the term. More like overweight. Also, this ad really gets obesity wrong. Yes, stress and overeating may be factors. But so are genetics, not having time to exercise, and unhealthy food choices.

For one, these people don’t seem “obese” in the modern sense of the term. More like overweight. Also, this ad really gets obesity wrong. Yes, stress and overeating may be factors. But so are genetics, not having time to exercise, and unhealthy food choices.

9. For relief from coughs, try Heroin-Hydrochloride from Bayer.

On second thought, don't or you'll get instantly addicted for a certain period of time before dying of an overdose. There's a reason why the US is suffering a terrible heroin problem of epidemic proportions. Thanks for fucking up everything, Bayer.

On second thought, don’t or you’ll get instantly addicted for a certain period of time before dying from an overdose if you don’t seek treatment. There’s a reason why the US is suffering a terrible heroin problem of epidemic proportions. Thanks for fucking up everything, Bayer.

10. Is housework making your life a prison, take some Serax.

Sorry, but I don't think medication will solve this woman's problem. Maybe having her husband pick up the slack would. Or hiring a maid.

Sorry, but I don’t think medication will solve this woman’s problem. Maybe having her husband pick up the slack would. Or hiring a maid.

11. Hamlin’s Wizard Oil will cure your rheumatism.

Contains 50-70% alcohol along with camphor, ammonia, chloroform, sassafras, cloves, and turpentine. In other words, it's a quack medicine but it was quite popular.

Contains 50-70% alcohol along with camphor, ammonia, chloroform, sassafras, cloves, and turpentine. In other words, it’s a quack medicine but it was quite popular.

12. Hall’s Wine brings the bloom of perfect health.

Tonic wines were also common at the time. This one was known to contain cocaine. However, initial criticism of this drug had nothing to do with the infamous white substance.

Tonic wines were also common at the time. This one was known to contain cocaine. However, initial criticism of this drug had nothing to do with the infamous white substance. Also, I don’t think that woman is smiling.

13. For hay fever and other woes, try Allen’s Cocaine tablets.

Side effects may include seriously disrupted eating and sleeping patterns, psychotic delusions and hallucinations, and severe depression upon withdrawal. Also addiction and death. So if you're smart, walk it off.

Side effects may include seriously disrupted eating and sleeping patterns, psychotic delusions and hallucinations, and severe depression upon withdrawal. Also addiction and death. So if you’re smart, walk it off.

14. Enjoy relief with the great taste of Coca Cola.

Yes, this was seen as a medicine, too. But initially contained cocaine in its early years. Not kidding on that one.

Yes, this was seen as a medicine, too. But initially contained cocaine in its early years. Not kidding on that one.

15. Dr. Hart’s Pain Conqueror relieves all pains.

I'm sure this is ineffective as medicine. But, man, those little gnomes in this ad are so creepy. Possible cocaine hallucination? Maybe.

I’m sure this is ineffective as medicine. But, man, those little gnomes in this ad are so creepy. Possible cocaine hallucination? Maybe.

16. With Midol, Sally’s gay.

I know what they're trying to get at here. And no, ladies, Midol does not turn women into lesbians unlike how some might interpret it.

I know what they’re trying to get at here. And no, ladies, Midol does not turn women into lesbians unlike how some might interpret it.

17. Tyrant in the house? Calm him down with Thorazine.

Thorozine: the drug for when your angry old folks get out of hand. Also posted another one similar to this last year, by the way.

Thorozine: the drug for when your angry old folks get out of hand. Also posted another one similar to this last year, by the way.

18. For the ills of life, take some Peruna tonic.

So what if it's a Prohibition era medicine that just happens to contain 18% alcohol? It was apparently popular at the time.

So what if it’s a Prohibition era medicine that just happens to contain 18% alcohol? It was apparently popular at the time.

19. For women’s minor ills, take Dr. Caldwell’s Syrup Pepsin, the Family Laxative.

Because if a woman is cranky all day, she's probably constipated. After all, women must be angry all the time due to irregular bowel movements. What a load of sexist bullshit.

Because if a woman is cranky all day, she’s probably constipated. After all, women must be angry all the time due to irregular bowel movements. What a load of sexist bullshit.

20. For pain relief, take a dose of Methadone.

Methadone is an opioid that's used to detoxify people from heroin addiction. However, while it may not be as bad, it's said to contribute to 26% of opioid related deaths. So it can be a very harmful drug in its own right.

Methadone is an opioid that’s used to detoxify people from heroin addiction. However, while it may not be as bad, it’s said to contribute to 26% of opioid related deaths. So it can be a very harmful drug in its own right.

21. Depressed? Try Methadrine.

Contains methamphetamine. You know, the kind of drug that prematurely ages you and rots your teeth. Or what Walter White made in Breaking Bad. Yes, that drug.

Contains methamphetamine. You know, the kind of drug that prematurely ages you and rots your teeth. Or what Walter White made in Breaking Bad. Yes, that drug.

22. For over stressed housewives, try some Meprospan 400.

It's a tranquilizer. You know something we use to treat people with psychological problems. Not something for ordinary housewives.

It’s a tranquilizer. You know something we use to treat people with psychological problems. Not something for ordinary housewives.

23. For anxious kids, Nembutal is guaranteed to give relief.

From: Best Medical Degrees: "Although pentobarbital is an FDA-approved sedative and is used to treat seizures and insomnia, it would seem dangerous to utilize it to treat nervous children (by inserting it as a suppository). Not only can pentobarbital impede thinking and slow reactions, it can also be addictive, while overdoses may be fatal." Also, that kid is as creepy as hell.

From: Best Medical Degrees: “Although pentobarbital is an FDA-approved sedative and is used to treat seizures and insomnia, it would seem dangerous to utilize it to treat nervous children (by inserting it as a suppository). Not only can pentobarbital impede thinking and slow reactions, it can also be addictive, while overdoses may be fatal.” Also, that kid is as creepy as hell.

24. Brown’s Household Panacea is a great pain reliever.

Why the hell is that guy holding a stove? He can get himself burned that way.

Why the hell is that guy holding a burning stove? He can get himself burned that way, especially if he’s holding it with his bare hands.

25. Have stuffy noses, ladies, take Mentholatum.

Because being pleasing to men is more important than tending to your own stuffy nose. Hey, we may not like sniffly noses, but this ad is just inherently sexist.

Because being pleasing to men is more important than tending to your own stuffy nose. Hey, we may not like sniffly noses, but this ad is just inherently sexist.

26. Stay fit and slim with Amphetamine.

While Ampetamine is a controlled substance today, this ad promotes it as a weight loss drug which is very harmful. Also, diet pills are terrible for you as well and should never be taken.

While Ampetamine is a controlled substance today, this ad promotes it as a weight loss drug which is very harmful. Also, diet pills are terrible for you as well and should never be taken.

27. Karswood Creosote is the greatest cure on earth.

What the fuck? Creosote is a substance people call sweeps to get rid of in their chimneys. It's a toxic carcinogenic substance. Yet, here it's being promoted as medicine?

What the fuck? Creosote is a substance people call sweeps to get rid of in their chimneys. It’s a toxic carcinogenic substance. Yet, here it’s being promoted as medicine?

28. Settle down the kids with some of Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup.

From Best Medical Degrees: "In 1849, Mrs. Charlotte N. Winslow launched her Soothing Syrup in Maine. The cocktail, which combined ingredients such as sodium carbonate and aqua ammonia, may have been relatively harmless – except for one point: it contained 65mg of morphine per fluid ounce. The syrup was advertised as providing relief for children who were teething, and one mother wrote to The New York Times claiming its effect on her son was “like magic; he soon went to sleep, and all pain and nervousness disappeared.” Unfortunately, children ran the risk of being put to sleep permanently as a result of morphine overdose. The American Medical Association denounced the syrup as a “baby killer” in 1911, although it remained on the market in the UK until 1930."

From Best Medical Degrees: “In 1849, Mrs. Charlotte N. Winslow launched her Soothing Syrup in Maine. The cocktail, which combined ingredients such as sodium carbonate and aqua ammonia, may have been relatively harmless – except for one point: it contained 65mg of morphine per fluid ounce. The syrup was advertised as providing relief for children who were teething, and one mother wrote to The New York Times claiming its effect on her son was “like magic; he soon went to sleep, and all pain and nervousness disappeared.” Unfortunately, children ran the risk of being put to sleep permanently as a result of morphine overdose.”

29. For every day stress, ladies, take Butisol.

The kind of happy pills that make you enjoy being tied up by your daughter playing Indian. Yeah, that's kind of freaky.

The kind of happy pills that make you enjoy being tied up by your daughter playing Indian. Yeah, that’s kind of freaky.

30. Daughter being a brat? Give her Castoria.

Because if your kid is acting up, then it must be because she's constipated. I think real moms in the 1950s knew better than that.

Because if your kid is acting up, then it must be because she’s constipated. I think real moms in the 1950s knew better than that.

31. Aggressive elders? Loxapac should do the trick.

Great for helping old folks with cactus head according to this ad. Yes, he's become a bit prickly lately.

Great for helping old folks with cactus head according to this ad. Yes, he’s become a bit prickly lately.

32. For cold and flu, take some Coriforte.

This ad from South Africa may seem harmless enough. But one this drug's ingredients is none other than methamphetamine. Yeah, probably something you should avoid.

This ad from South Africa may seem harmless enough. But one this drug’s ingredients is none other than methamphetamine. Yeah, probably something you should avoid.

33. To relieve coughs, try some Cosadein.

Contains codeine, marijuana, and chloroform. Talk about a real drug cocktail here.

Contains codeine, marijuana, and chloroform. Talk about a real drug cocktail here.

34. Ambition Pills, the drug for weak and nervous men.

This 19th century supplement was promoted to build strength, ambition, as well as combat ailments. However, each box was later found to contain enough strychnine to kill an adult. Because strychnine is a known toxic pesticide.

This 19th century supplement was promoted to build strength, ambition, as well as combat ailments. However, each box was later found to contain enough strychnine to kill an adult. Because strychnine is a known toxic pesticide.

35. Men, does your wife have “nerves,” give her Nervine.

Contains bromide which can lead to side effects like alteration in central nervous system functioning with headache, irritability, fatigue, slurred speech, ataxia, emotional instability, tremor and hallucinations. According to a report from 1997 no less.

Contains bromide which can lead to side effects like alteration in central nervous system functioning with headache, irritability, fatigue, slurred speech, ataxia, emotional instability, tremor and hallucinations. According to a report from 1997 no less.

36. Mebaral is great for the guy who overreacts to everything.

However, I want to know why they'd use an image of a guy about to jump off a building. Because that looks pretty scary. And I think that guy might need an undertaker at this point.

However, I want to know why they’d use an image of a guy about to jump off a building. Because that looks pretty scary. And I think that guy might need an undertaker at this point.

37. As Eli Lily said, Ampedroxyn is great for all kinds of problems like obesity, depression, and narcolepsy.

Uh, let's not kid ourselves, Eli Lily has an ad promoting methamphetamine. You know, meth. It might help you lose weight and overcome problems with sleep and depression, but it will make you look ugly.

Uh, let’s not kid ourselves, Eli Lily has an ad promoting methamphetamine. You know, meth. It might help you lose weight and overcome problems with sleep and depression, but it will make you look ugly.

38. Have peace of mind with Serenace.

This is one from Japan. It depicts a naked woman rising out of the water inside a hand. I don't understand what that's supposed to mean.

This is one from Japan. It depicts a naked woman rising out of the water inside a hand. I don’t understand what that’s supposed to mean.

39. Calm the storm in your life with Rivotril.

So what's with the naked woman holding the umbrella in a storm? I don't get this at all.

So what’s with the naked girl holding the umbrella in a storm? I don’t get this at all.

40. Relieve your worries with Serenace.

This picture might do well as a work of Surrealist art. But in a Pharma ad, this is just plain weird.

This picture might do well as a work of Surrealist art. But in a Pharma ad, this is just plain weird.

41. Got rough seas ahead, take Deliton.

Unfortunately, Deliton can't cure shell-head. But it can make you feel better with shell-head.

Unfortunately, Deliton can’t cure shell-head. But it can make you feel better with shell-head.

42. Sernace is great for coping with life’s biggest worries.

Like when you're about to get picked up in the desert by a giant bird of prey for dinner. Yeah, it's for problems like that.

Like when you’re about to get picked up in the desert by a giant bird of prey for dinner. Yeah, it’s for problems like that.

43. Restore them to their senses with Thorazine.

But is having a duck tank in this ad really necessary? And there's a guy who fell in the the water. Poor thing.

But is having a dunk tank in this ad really necessary? And there’s a guy who fell in the the water. Poor thing.

44. Baby can’t sleep? How about some Laudanum?

Laudanum is opium by the way and it was used to treat various ailments from the late 1600s to the 19th century. Can cause addiction, constipation, respiratory distress, and pupil constriction. Yeah, screw Junior up for life.

Laudanum is opium by the way and it was used to treat various ailments from the late 1600s to the 19th century. Can cause addiction, constipation, respiratory distress, and pupil constriction. Yeah, screw Junior up for life.

45. Divorced? Depressed? You might have ADHD.

This ad really doesn't show ADHD in a great light. Besides, there are a lot of divorced and depressed people who don't have ADHD. But this is a drug ad so they don't give a shit.

This ad really doesn’t show ADHD in a great light. Besides, there are a lot of divorced and depressed people who don’t have ADHD. But this is a drug ad so they don’t give a shit.

46. Feel like a battered parent? Miltown may be the answer.

It's particularly effective when you're having to care for giant children. As if normal sized children aren't a handful to deal with already.

It’s particularly effective when you’re having to care for giant children. As if normal sized children aren’t a handful to deal with already.

47. To be the person within, take Invega.

Is she getting out of her skin? Okay, that's really disgusting. And freaky. Really freaky.

Is she getting out of her skin? Okay, that’s really disgusting. And freaky. Really freaky.

48. Stuck in the woods with the head of a jackass? Take Cipramil.

I don't think Shakespeare's Bottom showed any signs of anxiety when he was with Titania. If ever, he seemed to take everything in stride and he perfectly fine the next morning. Someone's got their Shakespeare screwed up.

I don’t think Shakespeare’s Bottom showed any signs of anxiety when he was with Titania. If ever, he seemed to take everything in stride and he was perfectly fine by the next morning. Someone’s got their Shakespeare screwed up.

49. For coughs, try Kimball’s White Pine and Tar Cough Syrup.

Contains chloroform, which according to Best Medical Degrees: "But despite the drug being hailed as a good substitute for ether, cases emerged of chloroform causing fatal cardiac or respiratory arrest. Multiple patients died after breathing it in, prompting doctors to revert back to using ether. In spite of this, however, chloroform was still used in mouthwashes and ointments. Eventually, in 1976, the Federal Drug Administration prohibited the use of chloroform for human consumption after the substance was found to cause cancer in lab animals."

Contains chloroform, which according to Best Medical Degrees: “But despite the drug being hailed as a good substitute for ether, cases emerged of chloroform causing fatal cardiac or respiratory arrest. Multiple patients died after breathing it in, prompting doctors to revert back to using ether. In spite of this, however, chloroform was still used in mouthwashes and ointments. Eventually, in 1976, the Federal Drug Administration prohibited the use of chloroform for human consumption after the substance was found to cause cancer in lab animals.”

50. For morning sickness, take Morninide because his need for breakfast doesn’t suffice with your pregnancy.

This was a drug used to treat morning sickness which was later pulled by the FDA for causing low blood pressure and liver damage. But at least her husband got his breakfast (asshole).

This was a drug used to treat morning sickness which was later pulled by the FDA for causing low blood pressure and liver damage. But at least her husband got his breakfast (asshole).

51. Baby not feeling good, Mrs. Winslow’s should help.

That should knock the kiddie out for awhile. Perhaps permanently if you give the tyke too much.

That should knock the kiddie out for awhile. Perhaps permanently if you give the tyke too much.

52. For depression relief try Norodin.

Otherwise known by the more familiar term, "meth." From Best Medical Degrees: "The advertisement above claimed that Norodin was “useful in dispelling the shadows of mild mental depression” and that it has “relatively few side effects.” Never mind the fact that it can result in various alarming physiological effects, including anorexia, tooth grinding, irregular heartbeat, insomnia, abnormal blood pressure, heart attacks, and strokes. It is also extremely addictive and is one of the hardest dependencies to overcome."

Otherwise known by the more familiar term, “meth.” From Best Medical Degrees: “The advertisement above claimed that Norodin was “useful in dispelling the shadows of mild mental depression” and that it has “relatively few side effects.” Never mind the fact that it can result in various alarming physiological effects, including anorexia, tooth grinding, irregular heartbeat, insomnia, abnormal blood pressure, heart attacks, and strokes. It is also extremely addictive and is one of the hardest dependencies to overcome.”

53. Wolcott’s Instant Pain Annihilator gives you instant relief.

I'm sure this is bound to have the same medicinal properties as snake oil. But the artwork advertising is pretty badass.

I’m sure this is bound to have the same medicinal properties as snake oil. But the artwork advertising is pretty badass.

54. Daley’s Magical Pain Extractor can let you handle anything.

Because how else was Molly Pitcher able to man her husband's cannon at the Battle of Monmouth? Because she had to be under a lot of stress at the time.

Because how else was Molly Pitcher able to man her husband’s cannon at the Battle of Monmouth? Because she had to be under a lot of stress at the time.

55. Quaaludes always give you a good night sleep and a sunny morning.

Quaaludes: the drugs that people got high on in The Wolf of Wall Street. Also used as Bill Cosby's rape drug of choice during the 1970s. Oh, and it was said Elvis was on them, too.

Quaaludes: the drugs that people got high on in The Wolf of Wall Street. Also used as Bill Cosby’s rape drug of choice during the 1970s. Oh, and it was said Elvis was on them, too.

56. Hear voices? Seroquel can help.

Because whenever you see talking mouths in the bushes, you might have a problem. Unless you're not taking the brown acid already.

Because whenever you see talking mouths in the bushes, you might have a problem. Unless you’re not taking the brown acid already.

57. Clamps got you down? Urodonal may be the answer.

Because those clamps shouldn't be weighing you down. Seems like this guy is being tortured for some reason.

Because those clamps shouldn’t be weighing you down. Seems like this guy is being tortured for some reason.

58. Aspironal is better than whiskey for colds and flu.

You mean they were using whiskey for colds and flu? Said to contain 10% alcohol and suitable for children. According to this, that is.

You mean they were using whiskey for colds and flu? Said to contain 10% alcohol and suitable for children. According to this, that is.

59. Broncil is known as a safeguard for children’s health.

And thanks to Broncil, you can make your kid shovel snow in your driveway all you want. Even when your kid is complaining because the other children are having fun sledding and building snow forts.

And thanks to Broncil, you can make your kid shovel snow in your driveway all you want. Even when your kid is complaining because the other children are having fun sledding and building snow forts.

60. Zeldox is a great drug to treat schizophrenia.

And if was available during Vincent Van Gogh's time, then he wouldn't have cut his ear off. Seriously, this is kind of messed up.

And if was available during Vincent Van Gogh’s time, then he wouldn’t have cut his ear off. Seriously, this is kind of messed up.

61. Risperdal Range always helps deter relapses.

And I'm not sure what mythological creature this is supposed to be. Seems like it's half-human and half-dog from what I can tell by the legs. Yes, this is freaky.

And I’m not sure what mythological creature this is supposed to be. Seems like it’s half-human and half-dog from what I can tell by the legs. Yes, this is freaky.

62. For nervousness, try Dr. Carter’s Little Nerve Pills.

Caption: "Advertisement for Carter's Little Nerve Pills depicting a very young child sitting on the ground looking up at a standing, talking frog." Since when should anyone take such advice from a talking frog? That's not right.

Caption: “Advertisement for Carter’s Little Nerve Pills depicting a very young child sitting on the ground looking up at a standing, talking frog.” Since when should anyone take such advice from a talking frog? That’s not right.

63. For pain relief, try Pantafon Opium that’s straight from the poppy.

You know how addictive opiates are and the problems they cause in our society? Give this drug a pass. Seriously, avoid it like the plague.

You know how addictive opiates are and the problems they cause in our society? Give this drug a pass. Seriously, avoid it like the plague.

64. Thomas Edison always finds relief in Mariani wine.

By the way, Mariani wine contains cocaine. Edison endorsed it because it helped him stay awake longer to work on his inventions. Wonder why.

By the way, Mariani wine contains cocaine. Edison endorsed it because it helped him stay awake longer to work on his inventions. Wonder why.

65. Papine Battle & Co. prepares the safest and most pleasant opium.

Sorry, guys, but that's not really saying much given that opium is highly addictive. Then again, that might've helped their business.

Sorry, guys, but that’s not really saying much given that opium is highly addictive. Then again, that might’ve helped their business.

66. Cannabis Americana has been recommended by clinicians everywhere.

You might know this as marijuana. Though I'm confident of its medicinal properties, I'm sure some patients would prefer smoking it instead of taking it from a bottle.

You might know this as marijuana. Though I’m confident of its medicinal properties, I’m sure some patients would prefer smoking it instead of taking it from a bottle.

67. For new moms and babies, try Anhauser-Busch’s Malt Nutrine.

Because only in the Gilded Age could you sell such beer as a health tonic to nursing mothers. Yes, you got that right.

Because only in the Gilded Age could you sell such beer as a health tonic to nursing mothers. Yes, you got that right.

68. Thorazine always helps control agitation.

Because in domestic abuse situations, how else are you going to calm him if you can't get him institutionalized or obtain a restraining order? Seriously, this could almost look like domestic abuse here.

Because in domestic abuse situations, how else are you going to calm him if you can’t get him institutionalized or obtain a restraining order? Seriously, this could almost look like domestic abuse here.

69. For more pep try some cocaine pills.

Now this old man seems terrifying and bound to give anyone nightmares. Wouldn't want to see this guy on cocaine at any rate.

Now this old man seems terrifying and bound to give anyone nightmares. Wouldn’t want to see this guy on cocaine at any rate.

70. Got a headache and emotional fatigue? Try Anacin.

Yes, housewives, take Anacin because they relief that's acceptable for you is drugs. Never mind if the guy in the corner is your husband and the woman he's with is not you.

Yes, housewives, take Anacin because they relief that’s acceptable for you is drugs. Never mind if the guy in the corner is your husband and the woman he’s with is not you.

Evaluating Patriotic Songs of America

The 4th of July is the kind of holiday where one is bound to hear a lot of patriotic tunes expressing patriotic pride. Yet, while some certainly celebrate the spirit of the U. S. of A., others have rather cheesy lyrics. Ever since the US was a country, people have been writing patriotic anthems showing their love for America. However, not every patriotic tune can make an American wave the flag in pride. So here I devote this post evaluating songs expressing love for America.

 

The Best:

“The Star Spangled Banner” – I have to admit since Francis Scott Key wrote down the lyrics while witnessing the Battle of Fort McHenry as a prisoner on a British ship, this has been a perennial favorite in the US that it has often served as an unofficial national anthem until it was officially designated as such in 1931. Sure the lyrics might be set to an English drinking song at the time but it’s great as an instrumental for bands as well as for talented singers. As long as you don’t have pop stars butchering it in sporting events.

“America the Beautiful” – Once considered a contender for the national anthem, this one really expresses one’s love for the American landscape that have become iconic images of the American psyche. The Ray Charles version is the best in my opinion. Said to be easier to sing, more melodic, and adaptable to various orchestrations.

“Battle Hymn of the Republic” – Set to “John Brown’s Body,” with lyrics written by Julia Ward Howe during the American Civil War, this song may have religious connotations as well as something you really don’t want to play among certain demographics like Southerners or non-Christians. After all, this was a Northern anthem during the American Civil War and it was written when adding Christian references in such material was acceptable and even encouraged. And the abolitionists frequently used Christianity to justify why slavery was wrong. I also know that it has references to the apocalypse as well as kind of justifies war. However, it’s the very fact that it’s a Christian song with Julia Ward Howe’s style that make this song so powerful, inspirational, and unforgettable that plenty of non-Christian Americans don’t really care if you play it at public events (even if it’s just instrumental).

“You’re a Grand Old Flag” – Famously composed by George M. Cohan who was a pioneer in the Broadway musical. This is definitely one that’s great for grandstanding patriotic pride on the 4th of July.

“The Yankee Doodle Boy”- Another Cohan song even though most people only sing the chorus. Most famously performed by James Cagney in the George M. Cohan biopic Yankee Doodle Dandy. Of course, Cohan wasn’t really born on the 4th of July, but who cares. It’s awesome.

“Over There”- Yet, another George M. Cohan song that was written to get young men to enlist during the US entry in the WWI. Expect to hear this whenever the US enters a major world war.

“The Stars and Stripes Forever” – Sure this song may not have lyrics to sing to (oh, wait, there are but nobody sings them anyway). But this was composed with the genius of John Philip Sousa and is packed with so much patriotic pep that you’d want to cheer for the USA.

US Military Songs- You can understand why the military takes to bands and marches since a lot of these songs seem to echo a certain badassery, dignity, and courage of each branch making a grandiose entrance. For the Navy, you can’t forget “Anchors Aweigh.” For the Army, it’s “The Army Keeps Rolling Along.” The Marines have “The Marine Hymn” or “Semper Fidelis” (also by Sousa but you’ve probably heard it).  Then there’s “Wild Blue Yonder” from the US Air Force. Finally, there’s “Semper Paratus” for the US Coast Guard. And for all of them, you can go with “Eternal Father, Strong to Save” best played during ship sinkings. All these songs surely make a great American patriotic soundtrack

“Appalachian Spring” – from Paste Magazine: “This wakens a sense of patriotism in us that little else can. It’s an orchestral suite, so it’s not technically a “song,” but the music is so uniquely American (borrowing from the traditional Shaker hymn “Simple Gifts”) and so sonically vivid, that it expresses the beauty of our country better than any set of lyrics we know. Copland was undoubtedly the Norman Rockwell of music—both intensely patriotic and populist but in a gentle and agreeable way. The piece premiered as a ballet score during the tail end of WWII, and was rearranged as suite the following year during the height of American patriotism.” However, most people might think of the lines “Beef, it’s what’s for dinner” at the end since it was once used in a commercial.

“Lift Every Voice and Sing” – Written by NAACP head James Weldon Johnson and set to music by his brother, this was a major song from the Civil Rights Movement. Seen as an anthem of African Americans for a good reason since it features very inspirational lyrics that surely encouraged blacks to fight for their rights.

“Hail to the Chief” – This is the theme song for the US President when he or she makes an entrance. And yes, it echoes American grandeur. However, I sure hope that this song is played when Donald Trump makes an entrance because that would be really bad.

“Fanfare for the Common Man” – Composed by Aaron Copland, you probably have heard this song in recruitment commercials and previews for movies. Inspired by a Henry Wallace speech during the Great Depression. Definitely a piece for any American patriotic soundtrack on the 4th of July.

“Living in America”- A famous staple from the Godfather of Soul James Brown that was played on Rocky IV as the theme for Apollo Creed. Also inspired Weird Al’s parody, “Living with a Hernia.” Has a very catchy chorus and tune.

“Philadelphia Freedom” –Sure it was written and recorded by Brits. But it’s a catchy song that hasn’t been played enough. Also, was done for Elton John and Bernie Taupin’s friend Billie Jean King who was on the Philadelphia Freedom professional tennis team.

“America” – This Simon and Garfunkel gem was used in a Bernie Sanders campaign ad. And you can understand why. It’s about going on cross country trip. What can be better than that?

“The Washington Post” –You might recognize this song by John Philip Sousa. Yes, he cranked out a lot of these marches of American patriotic goodness. Still, if you want to listen to some patriotic music on the 4th of July, Sousa is your guy.

“We Shall Overcome”- Another unofficial anthem of the American Civil Rights Movement. Yet, it’s one that doesn’t acknowledge perfection as well as inspires that Americans can overcome their problems caused by societal hatred. Truly a gem.

“National Emblem” – Features a march version of “The Star Spangled Banner” as well as got a good write up from none other than John Philip Sousa. In fact, it was one of Sousa’s favorite march tunes that wasn’t composed by him, which says something.

“Ragged Old Flag” – From Paste Magazine: “The intro is almost as great as the song itself—a simple, compelling tune about loving one’s country for what it stands for, and despite its mistakes. No one was ever as earnestly cool as Johnny Cash. My kind of patriot.”

The Worst:

“God Bless the USA” – From Amog: “I didn’t know that this was released way back in 1984, but I do remember it being overplayed during the first Gulf War. Even as a kid, more now as an adult, I’ve always known that this track sucked, for lack of a better word. To add insult to injury, it gets stuck in my head, if I’m subjected to it, which makes me want to gauge my ear drums out with a power drill.” This song is just annoyingly cheesy with clichéd sentiment. Kill it. Kill it with fire.

“Let the Eagle Soar”- From Amog: “Besides this being a horrible, horrible tribute to America, it was written and performed by former Attorney General John Ashcroft. As if politicians needed anymore proof that they’re a bunch a clowns and give the rest of the world a reason to mock us. But it gets worse. This atrocity was performed at George W. Bush’s second inauguration. At least Ashcroft had someone else, Guy Hovis, perform it at the inauguration. Actually, that’s a jerk move. Letting someone else take the fall for you in front of millions is rather diabolical.”

“Have You Forgotten?” – From Amog: “Another recording, out of the hundreds of others, to express how an artist felt on September 11, 2001. What makes this a horrible patriotic song is that Worley justifies bombing pretty much the entire world because of 9/11. It’s tacky, contrived and features shameless footage from 9/11 all in the name of making a buck.”

“Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue (The Angry American)” – From Amog: “In a way you can’t blame Toby Keith for this. He was feeling like many of us were at the time. Then again, many of us aren’t musicians who will be forever immortalized through their music. Nearly a decade after this song was released most rational thinking people would agree that putting “a boot in you ass” isn’t the American way and really doesn’t help our standing in the global community.”

“Red, White & Blue” – From Amog: “This gem was written by what’s left of Lynyrd Skynyrd. Strike one. It also contains the lines: “My hair is white, my neck has always been red, and my collar’s still blue,” for a second strike. The final strike goes to another masterpiece of a line, “If they don’t like it they can just get the hell out”. They should have just stuck to butchering the band’s classics while on the road with musicians like Kid Rock.”

“Dixie”- Yes, I know that it’s a catchy tune and I know it’s well beloved by white Southerners (and others like Abraham Lincoln, though it was more of a pop song in his day). But it’s inherently racist since it was first performed in blackface minstrel shows (popular 19th century entertainment that was chock full of offensive black stereotypes). It was used as a theme for the Confederacy during the American Civil War. To African Americans, this song is considered offensive since it echoes Old South nostalgia and was played by supporters of segregation.

“American Soldier” – From LA Weekly: “We’re not sure there’s anything worse than starting a war based on blatant lies, then sending young men and women to die for the vanity of elderly assholes who would rather bleed this country dry than actually part with a single dime at tax time. But if there is, it’s the songs celebrating the sacrifices of the people sent to die in those wars, written by people who themselves would never join the military.” Well, I guess “Goodnight Saigon” might be on the same level as this one since it pertains to the Vietnam War since Billy Joel never went there either. But at least he consulted his friends who actually served in Vietnam before he went through with it and tried to depict the conflict through their point of view. Not sure if Toby Keith has done the same.

“Ballad of the Green Berets” – This song was written and recorded in the 1960s and used in the 1968 John Wayne movie The Green Berets which depicted the Vietnam War in a positive light (a war the US never should’ve gotten involved in but was going to anyway). Yes, I get that people want to honor their country and its armed forces. But this doesn’t mean you should use it in a god awful movie that glamorizes a war as well as make George Takei wish he’d stick with being on more Star Trek episodes (because he’s in this).

American Revolution Songs sans “Yankee Doodle” -Yes, our Founding Fathers had their patriotic songs, too like “The Liberty Song,” “Chester,” or “War and Washington.” Have you heard of these? There’s probably a good reason.

“Marching Through Georgia”- Yes, it’s a lively tune that was written during the American Civil War. However, it’s hard for a white Georgian to show patriotic pride while hearing a song about Union soldiers mowing through their state and destroying everything in their midst. Sure this was William Tecumseh Sherman’s strategy of “Total War” which was intended to make the Confederates lose their will to fight. But white Southerners still paint the guy as a villain.

A lot of Patriotic country songs- To be fair, there may be good country songs out there showing one’s love for America. But in contemporary times, this genre has gotten a major bad rap for cheesy lyrics of blind patriotism that’s sometimes tinged with American conservativism. Okay, it’s fine for one to express their love for the US. But please, make sure it’s not a song filled with empty gestures. There’s a reason why College Humor satirized a lot of them with “America Sucks Less,” which might be a better song about patriotism in general.

“This Ain’t No Rag, It’s A Flag” – From Nerve: “The title of this Charlie Daniels single tells you everything you need to know. By the end of the first few verses, he’s mocked the practice of wearing headscarves, explained that Americans “believe in God” (say what you will about Islamist terrorists, but they don’t lack religion), and told “dirty” Arabs to crawl back into their “holes.” As a response to 9/11, the song offers nothing that couldn’t be gained from going down to the corner bar and listening to a bunch of drunk racists.” Sorry, Charlie Daniels, but loving your country doesn’t need to resort to blatant Islamophobia.

Your Mileage May Vary:

“God Bless America”- Yes, it has a great orchestration and I think the lyrics are quite good as well as easy to remember. However, the fact it was used by Christian conservatives in the 1960s to silence dissenters speaking out against US involvement in the Vietnam War sort of ruins it for me. Also, it’s used by the Flyers.

“This Is My Country” – Well, it’s easy to sing. But it doesn’t have a lot going for it and the lyrics seem quite childish.

“My Country Tis of Thee” – Well, it’s a simple song to remember. But it also uses the same melody as “God Save the Queen.” And the American lyrics are fairly childish.

“This Land Is Your Land”- Written by Woody Guthrie, this is an overall decent folksy American song that evokes a sense of patriotism. However, there are some verses that are highly critical about the US and the fact it was to protest the notion of private property. The fact that it was used as a protest song in radical politics during the 1930s, doesn’t help much.

“Hail Columbia”- This song was used as a de facto national anthem in the US for most of the 19th century. On one hand, it has a lovely melody that might’ve been catchy at the time. However, it fails to capture the kind of emotional punch akin to “The Star Spangled Banner” and some of the tune is reminiscent of “Itsy Bitsy Spider.” It’s obvious to see “The Star Spangled Banner” is the US national anthem and it’s not. “The Star Spangled Banner” is a song that’s stood the test of the time since it was first written. This one seems very antiquated in comparison.

“America” – From Examiner: “Unlike ‘This Land is Your Land’ Neil Diamond’s ‘America’ highlights the rich history this country has as a beacon for those seeking refuge in a harsh world. It doesn’t make light of the struggles of immigrants that have flocked here for security and opportunity since the very beginning. The song is more than just a sugary spouting of patriotic words haphazardly strung together, its a testament to the American dream and how its always there no matter how irrelevant it seems in the hard times.” However, this isn’t among Neil Diamond’s best songs, kind of cheesy, and hard to take seriously if it’s sung by a guy in a sparkly jumpsuit.

“American Pie”- From Examiner: “Regardless of age, race, gender or creed, everyone who lives in the U.S. can appreciate this song. Something about the lyrics paired with the upbeat sound is reminiscent of things like summer road trips, Coca-Cola, warm nights at amusement parks, drive-in movies and shooting off firecrackers. In short, it’s an awesome feel-good song that never gets old and it’s timelessly American as…well, apple pie.” However, though I really like this song, I have to admit that it’s more about rock n’ roll and the events that happened after Buddy Holly’s death than America in general.

“Yankee Doodle” – Sure there’s an interesting story about this song which pertains to British making fun of Americans during the French and Indian War. And yes, it’s kind of cool that American patriots adopted this song as a “fuck you” to the Brits during the American Revolution. But seriously, it’s kind of annoying and the lyrics are pretty stupid.

“Born in the USA” – Though most people see this as a pro-America rock staple, it’s actually a scathing critique of the Vietnam War and the phenomenon that working class youth have little hope for the future being pushed into military service because they have nowhere else to turn. Also, I am no fan of Bruce Springsteen. Oh, and it was used to torture prisoners at Gitmo (sorry, Bruce).

“Columbia Gem of the Ocean” – Well, it does have a great grandstanding march to be a contender for the national anthem. However, it’s not very well known.

“Home on the Range” – More of a western song than a song about the US in general. But I understand why some people are attached to it.

“The Liberty Bell”- It’s a grand march written by John Philip Sousa which has been played at US presidential inaugurations. However, if there is any reason why it might not be included on a patriotic soundtrack, it’s probably because it’s better remembered as the theme from Monty Python.

“Goodnight Saigon”- Written by Billy Joel for The Nylon Curtain, it’s about the soldiers’ experience in Vietnam which honors their service while glamorizing absolutely none of what they’ve been through. Though Joel never served in Vietnam, he was encouraged to write and record this song by his friends who did. Nevertheless, it’s more of a song for Memorial Day or Veterans Day than 4th of July because it doesn’t show a lot of patriotic pep.

“Ashoka Farewell” –When you hear this song in the Ken Burns documentary series The Civil War, you’d almost think it was played by American soldiers at their army camps before a battle. Yet, it was actually composed by New York Jews in the 1980s but it has an unforgettable and beautiful melody. However, it’s kind of a sad song that’s more appropriate for Memorial Day than 4th of July.

“When Johnny Comes Marching Home” – This is a highly adaptable song and can be played in many different tones in instrumentals as indicated by the Ken Burns documentary. However, while the lyrics point to the glorious anticipation of a soldier coming home from duty, remember that many US soldiers didn’t.

“Taps”- It’s a nice song but it’s more appropriate for military funerals and Memorial Day.

“Pink Houses” – From Cheat Sheet: “John Mellencamp is popularly considered to be a patriotic rock singer, who writes songs about good working-class people enjoying their small town lives. From the chorus, it seems as though the song is an ode the classic American dream of living in suburbia with a house, a spouse, and children. “Ain’t that America somethin’ to see baby / Ain’t that America home of the free / Little pink houses for you and me,” Mellencamp sings in the chorus. But, like many of the songs on this list, if you take a closer listen to the verses — and the last one in particular — the song is more critical than it seems. “There’s winners and there’s losers / But they ain’t no big deal / ‘Cause the simple man baby pay for the thrills, the bills / The pills that kill,” he sings in the final verse, drawing attention to this country’s problems with inequality.”

“Fortunate Son” – Had to include this one from CCR since it was used in a Wrangler Jeans commercial as a patriotic anthem. However, if you’ve actually heard the whole thing, it’s about how people in wealth and power use patriotism to get less privileged young guys to fight their wars while sheltering their own kids from combat. To be fair, it’s a great song in its own right. But not one to play at a 4th of July barbecue.

I Want You to View These Vintage Wartime Propaganda Posters

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Now that we’re in the patriotic swing of things for the 4th of July, perhaps we should take a look at some wartime propaganda. Of course, last year I did a series on Declaration of Independence signers which wasn’t a huge hit among the blogosphere or Google Search. But this year, I think doing a post on wartime propaganda from the two World Wars from the early 20th century might bring some flag waving fervor. Or it just might be something that I could have a lot of fun with. After all, I’ve already done the American flag. Nevertheless, these propaganda posters not only served as iconic images from governments and other agencies to do their part for the effort, but also pointed out that as a nation at war, we’re all in this together. And if you’re not doing your part or making any sacrifices, you’re being an unpatriotic dimwit who should be ashamed of yourself. Still, it’s interesting to look at these posters and see what kind of messages and images there are at the time. You’ll find Uncle Sam and Rosie the Riveter. But you’ll also find stuff on encouraging conservation, not throwing stuff away, buying bonds, men keeping it in their pants, and even carpooling. Yes, carpooling. Not only that, but a lot of these propaganda posters have been parodied over the years, even after the conflicts that made their existence. So for your reading pleasure, I want you to see a treasure trove of some historical posters encouraging you to do your part for the cause.

 

  1. Your friends are fighting, why aren’t you, man?
This is a recruitment poster from Canada encouraging young men to join the armed forces. And Canada certainly participated in both world wars. James Doohan was one of the most famous Canadian WWII veterans since he was Scotty from Star Trek.

This is a recruitment poster from Canada encouraging young men to join the armed forces. And Canada certainly participated in both world wars. James Doohan was one of the most famous Canadian WWII veterans since he was Scotty from Star Trek.

2. Be a Merchant Marine and help deliver the goods.

The merchant marines are among the most underrated war heroes in both world wars since transporting supplies is crucial for any war effort. However, like you see in Mr. Roberts, they don't see much action and it was very boring gig.

The merchant marines are among the most underrated war heroes in both world wars since transporting supplies is crucial for any war effort. However, like you see in Mr. Roberts, they don’t see much action and it was very boring gig.

3. Ladies, Joan of Arc saved her country, you can save yours by buying stamps.

Except that Joan of Arc saved France by being the French Army's mascot and providing divine inspiration. Lincoln's comment of Ulysses S. Grant's drinking would describe her perfectly.

Except that Joan of Arc saved France by being the French Army’s mascot and providing divine inspiration. Lincoln’s comment of Ulysses S. Grant’s drinking would describe her perfectly for those who think she had schizophrenia.

4. “My M-1 does the talking!”

There are a lot of posters encouraging people to be careful what they say or write. Because they can unintentionally help the enemy. And you don't want to do that.

There are a lot of posters encouraging people to be careful what they say or write. Because they can unintentionally help the enemy. And you don’t want to do that.

5. Remember men, disease is disguised so don’t gamble with VD.

I know this is telling men to keep it in their pants. But given double standards and realistic consequences, I think this message is necessary. Because people really need to be careful on who they screw.

I know this is telling men to keep it in their pants. But given double standards and realistic consequences, I think this message is necessary. Because people really need to be careful on who they screw.

6. “He gives 100%. You can lend 10%.”

And it looks like he's stepped on a mine and isn't long for this world. If that's not giving 100%, I don't know what is.

And it looks like he’s stepped on a mine and isn’t long for this world. If that’s not giving 100%, I don’t know what is.

7. Uncle Sam says, “Fill those empty seats!”

Because car sharing saves on gas that could be used to fuel our tanks in North Africa. And this is definitely from WWII, by the way.

Because car sharing saves on gas that could be used to fuel our tanks in North Africa. And this is definitely from WWII, by the way.

8. Housewives, save waste fats for explosives.

Because bacon grease can be used as nitro glycerin. And I'm not kidding on this.

Because bacon grease can be used as nitro glycerin. And I’m not kidding on this.

9. Remember men, self-control is self preservation.

Because screwing whores at the front leads you prone to contracting nasty STDs. So keep it in your pants, boys.

Because screwing whores at the front leads you prone to contracting nasty STDs. So keep it in your pants, boys.

10. Survive the wartime winter with coal for warmth.

Because the war effort needs oil. But you can also order wood. Love the freezing penguin in this.

Because the war effort needs oil. But you can also order wood. Love the freezing penguin in this.

11. Can this Nazi save more grease than you?

There's ammunition in this kitchen with bacon grease. And even the Nazis know that.

There’s ammunition in this kitchen with bacon grease. And even the Nazis know that.

12. Maintain your gas mask.

Because you might need it during a gas attack. So don't use it as a knapsack and pillow. Wonder what people doing with their gas masks for that poster to exist.

Because you might need it during a gas attack. So don’t use it as a knapsack and pillow. Wonder what people doing with their gas masks for that poster to exist.

13. “Let’s catch him with his ‘panzers’ down!”

I think this is a clever one for WWII. Notice how Hitler has swastikas on his underwear.

I think this is a clever one for WWII. Notice how Hitler has swastikas on his underwear.

14. Mr. Peanut goes to war.

Not even corporate advertising mascots were exempt from war service. Mr. Peanut from Planter's ought to know.

Not even corporate advertising mascots were exempt from war service. Mr. Peanut from Planter’s ought to know. Weird to see him without his top hat and monocle.

15. Saving old metal and paper puts the lid on Hitler.

Salvage saves lives and so does recycling. So save as much as you can on paper and metal.

Salvage saves lives and so does recycling. So save as much as you can on paper and metal.

16. Buying bonds and saving money will beat the devil!

And the devil here is Adolf Hitler. Here he's even red with horns and pointy ears.

And the devil here is Adolf Hitler. Here he’s even red with horns and pointy ears.

17. Join the tanks and beat em’ rough!

Wonder why they have a screaming black cat here. Sure it looks evil but it was more stupid to be on a battlefield than malicious.

Wonder why they have a screaming black cat here. Sure it looks evil but it was more stupid to be on a battlefield than malicious.

18. Civilians, if you don’t need it, don’t buy it.

Yeah, you really don't need to buy a white elephant. Of course, it's only in here as a figure of speech.

Yeah, you really don’t need to buy a white elephant. Of course, it’s only in here as a figure of speech.

19. Uncle Sam says, “Protect your nation’s honor, enlist now!”

Enlist now because your nation has just been raped, metaphorically. Of course, I think this might be from WWI.

Enlist now because your nation has just been raped, metaphorically. Of course, I think this might be from WWI though.

20. This dog’s owner died because someone wouldn’t shut up.

Yes, go with the gold star dog treatment. Because dogs are seen as loyal friends to their master and are quite adorable.

Yes, go with the gold star dog treatment. Because dogs are seen as loyal friends to their master and are quite adorable.

21. “Tell nobody-not even her!”

Because you'll never know where you'll find a Nazi spy. This is especially if she talks in a German accent.

Because you’ll never know where you’ll find a Nazi spy. This is especially if she talks in a German accent.

22. Dressing extravagantly is unpatriotic.

Because in wartime, everyone should make sacrifices. So dressing to the nines isn't just bad form, it's unpatriotic. Get it?

Because in wartime, everyone should make sacrifices. So dressing to the nines isn’t just bad form, it’s unpatriotic. Get it?

23. This man’s life is in your hands.

If I were him, I'd be more worried about throwing it too late than it being a dud. Those things can blow your freaking hand off.

If I were him, I’d be more worried about throwing it too late than it being a dud. Those things can blow your freaking hand off.

24. Remember, the Nazis burned books that Americans can still read.

Because unlike Americans, the Nazis don't believe in a free press. This is why they staged book burnings. Yes, they hate American freedom.

Because unlike Americans, the Nazis don’t believe in a free press. This is why they staged book burnings. Yes, they hate American freedom.

25. No sailor has to prove he’s a man on shore leave.

Because giving in to 1940s masculinity pressures might get you an STD. And there's no medicine for regret.

Because giving in to 1940s masculinity pressures might get you an STD. And there’s no medicine for regret.

26. Drivers, drive a truck for Uncle Sam.

I could tell this is from WWI because of the car design. And the artwork is a little bit crude, too.

I could tell this is from WWI because of the car design. And the artwork is a little bit crude, too.

27. The kitchen is the key to victory, eat less bread.

Because our men need carbs, dammit. So eat more garden veggies instead.

Because our men need carbs, dammit. So eat more garden veggies instead.

28. Remember, our men are ready to fight at any time.

However, looking at this you have to wonder how these soldiers got any sleep. Oh, wait, some of these guys didn't sleep for days.

However, looking at this you have to wonder how these soldiers got any sleep. Oh, wait, some of these guys didn’t sleep for days.

29. This woman is wanted for murder.

Because she didn't know when to shut the hell up. This cost lives overseas. Yeah, watch your mouth, ladies.

Because she didn’t know when to shut the hell up. This cost lives overseas. Yeah, watch your mouth, ladies.

30. Uncle Sam wants you to stop stealing tools!

Because combat crews need them to repair stuff with. At least this poster makes a lot of sense.

Because combat crews need them to repair stuff with. At least this poster makes a lot of sense.

31. This, soldier, is what is known as a booby trap.

Because she's loaded with boobs and STDS. Don't have sex with her. Seriously, keep it in your pants.

Because she’s loaded with boobs and STDS. Don’t have sex with her. Seriously, keep it in your pants.

32. Help China! Because China is helping us.

Well, they should be helping us. But the Nationalist and Communist factions don't like each other at all. So it's not uncommon for these Chinese factions in some areas to fight each other or side with Japan.

Well, they should be helping us. But the Nationalist and Communist factions don’t like each other at all. So it’s not uncommon for these Chinese factions in some areas to fight each other or side with Japan.

33. Don’t let the Nazi swastika touch them!

So buy bonds and keep our kiddies safe from the Nazis. This is especially if you and/or your kids are Jewish.

So buy bonds and keep our kiddies safe from the Nazis. This is especially if you and/or your kids are Jewish.

34. Careless talk took her daddy!

So be careful of what you say. You may not know when you're talking to an enemy spy in your neighborhood.

So be careful of what you say. You may not know when you’re talking to an enemy spy in your neighborhood.

35. Losing an arm at Pearl Harbor shouldn’t keep you away from patriotic duties.

After all, just because he can't be a soldier no more doesn't mean he can't help. Because you don't need two arms to hold a blow torch.

After all, just because he can’t be a soldier no more doesn’t mean he can’t help. Because you don’t need two arms to hold a blow torch.

36. Keep your mouth shut and don’t be a sucker!

Because a fish that opens its mouth is a sucker, hook, line, and sinker. Still, you have to like the artwork on this.

Because a fish that opens its mouth is a sucker, hook, line, and sinker. Still, you have to like the artwork on this.

37. For defense, give blood since it’s life.

However, this offer's not available for blacks since their blood isn't fit for white GIs, especially from the segregated South. I know it's based on dubious claims based on racism, but that's what people believed in those days.

However, this offer’s not available for blacks since their blood isn’t fit for white GIs’ veins in transfusions. I know that concept based on pseudoscientific claims as well as stupid flagrant racism, but that’s what white Americans believed in the 1940s.

38. On April 19, 1917, Wake Up America Day.

I guess this date was picked specifically as the anniversary of the American Revolution. Also the girl is wearing a cocked hat and carrying a lantern.

I guess this date was picked specifically as the anniversary of the American Revolution. Also the girl is wearing a cocked hat and carrying a lantern.

39. Plant your own garden for victory.

Both world wars encouraged people to plant their own vegetable gardens for food. This is from WWI.

Both world wars encouraged people to plant their own vegetable gardens for food. This is from WWI.

40. It’s a women’s war so join the WAVES!

This woman's face says, "This is not what I signed up for. Really hope this ship on my radio doesn't get bombed. Don't want to hear a bunch of screaming sailors going down to their deaths."

This woman’s face says, “This is not what I signed up for. Really hope this ship on my radio doesn’t get bombed. Don’t want to hear a bunch of screaming sailors going down to their deaths.”

41. Soldiers, know the risks of syphilis and gonorrhea.

To be fair, regardless of what this ad says, there's a strong chance that many of these guys didn't have a lot of sex education. And yes, STDs do kill. But yeah, it's not really nice to women.

To be fair, regardless of what this ad says, there’s a strong chance that many of these guys didn’t have a lot of sex education. And yes, STDs do kill. But yeah, it’s not really nice to women.

42. “If you talk too much, this man may die.”

Another poster that says, "loose lips, sink ships." Besides, he seems like a handsome sailor in that submarine.

Another poster that says, “loose lips, sink ships.” Besides, he seems like a handsome sailor in that submarine.

43. Destroy this mad brute of a Hun, enlist.

The funny part about this poster that it's from WWI as you can see by the Kaiser helmet. Still, you have to ask yourself whether this image inspired King Kong.

The funny part about this poster that it’s from WWI as you can see by the Kaiser helmet. Still, you have to ask yourself whether this image inspired King Kong.

44. While commuting to work, try to squeeze for one more.

Yet, I'm not sure how many people this car can take. Since it seems full to the brim already.

Yet, I’m not sure how many people this car can take. Since it seems full to the brim already.

45. Remember, war bonds are always cheaper than wooden crosses.

Or military funerals for that matter. And yes, the US military did a lot of them during both world wars.

Or military funerals for that matter. And yes, the US military did a lot of them during both world wars.

46. Like digging a foxhole, conserving’s for your own protection.

Because conservation helps save resources for the war effort. Plus, it's good for the environment in an age where one of the biggest threats is climate change.

Because conservation helps save resources for the war effort. Plus, it’s good for the environment in an age where one of the biggest threats is climate change.

47. Wake up, America, civilization calls every man, woman, and child.

And here's the lady personifying America fast asleep. Another WWI poster.

And here’s the lady personifying America fast asleep. Another WWI poster.

48. Along with gardening, wartime housewives should also take to canning.

This is a famous picture I've might've seen somewhere. Nevertheless, the girl looks a bit freaky to me.

This is a famous picture I’ve might’ve seen somewhere. Nevertheless, the girl looks a bit freaky to me.

49. Remember, every time you miss work for no reason, you stab the Statue of Liberty in the back.

Because time must not be wasted. Still, bound to make you guilty of missing work during WWII.

Because time must not be wasted. Still, bound to make you guilty of missing work during WWII.

50. Always practice good eating habits in fox holes.

Because it might make your ass a huge target for enemy gunfire. So eat wisely.

Because it might make your ass a huge target for enemy gunfire. So eat wisely.

51. This soldier needs smokes more than anything else.

What he really needs is to quit smoking. But don't bet on that because only the doctors in his day see it'll kill him if the war doesn't.

What he really needs is to quit smoking. But don’t bet on that because only the doctors in his day see it’ll kill him if the war doesn’t.

52. See action now and join the submarine service.

They do a bunch of cool stuff like shooting down U-boats. However, I don't see a sinking ship on fire as a glorious sight worthy of a recruitment poster.

They do a bunch of cool stuff like shooting down U-boats. However, I don’t see a sinking ship on fire as a glorious sight worthy of a recruitment poster.

53. Remember, the enemy is watching you.

I've seen this one parodied a few times. Those eyes are so menacing which is kind of the point.

I’ve seen this one parodied a few times. Those eyes are so menacing which is kind of the point.

54. Help military pilots by building and fixing the planes right.

He can't fix any plane problems in the air. Nor could he shoot down Nazis either. So don't screw up his chances of survival. Not that they're great anyway.

He can’t fix any plane problems in the air. Nor could he shoot down Nazis either. So don’t screw up his chances of survival. Not that they’re great anyway.

55. Remember, men, beautiful blondes aren’t always so dumb.

This one tells soldiers to be careful that you're not discussing battle plans around pretty civilian women. Because she could be a Nazi spy and you don't want anyone to die.

This one tells soldiers to be careful that you’re not discussing battle plans around pretty civilian women. Because she could be a Nazi spy and you don’t want anyone to needlessly die.

56. Donate your books for soldiers to pass the time.

Because soldiers in the trenches can be really starved for entertainment. And they can't really abandon their stations there either.

Because soldiers in the trenches can be really starved for entertainment. And they can’t really abandon their stations there either.

57. More firepower, over here!

"But please, bomb them not me. We don't need any friendly firepower here." Note that friendly fire happens in wars 10% of the time.

“But please, bomb them not me. We don’t need any friendly firepower here.” Note that friendly fire happens in wars 10% of the time.

58. Gremlins like to throw stuff in your eyes, so wear safety goggles.

Gremlins or no gremlins, wear safety goggles. Because when you're working with munitions, you're working with a lot of harmful chemicals. Duh.

Gremlins or no gremlins, wear safety goggles. Because when you’re working with munitions, you’re working with a lot of harmful chemicals. Duh.

59. Every girl is pulling for victory!

Yes, these ladies are pulling for victory with their united war work while the men are languishing in the trenches. Surely anyone with a right mind needs to believe that they should have the vote by now.

Yes, these ladies are pulling for victory with their united war work while the men are languishing in the trenches. Surely anyone with a right mind needs to believe that they should have the vote by now.

60. In wartime, have you ever considered a staycation?

After all, it saves gas and you'd probably not want to go to Europe anyway. Or Asia. Or North Africa. Or anywhere in the Pacific.

After all, it saves gas and you’d probably not want to go to Europe anyway. Or Asia. Or North Africa. Or anywhere in the Pacific.

61. Even sports figures like Joe Louis enlist to do their part.

A lot of male celebrities fought in WWII like Jimmy Stewart, Clark Gable, Tyrone Power, David Niven, Henry Fonda, and others. One major celebrity who didn't fight in WWII but could: John Wayne.

A lot of male celebrities fought in WWII like Jimmy Stewart, Clark Gable, Tyrone Power, David Niven, Henry Fonda, and others. One major celebrity who didn’t fight in WWII but could: John Wayne.

62. For war nerves, stop needless noise.

Yes, war is scary. But it helps to keep calm in the face of danger even when you're shitting your pants. Same goes when you come in contact with a bear.

Yes, war is scary. But it helps to keep calm in the face of danger even when you’re shitting your pants. Same goes when you come in contact with a bear.

63. Whose boy will die if we should fail?

That's a harrowing propaganda poster. But when in war, a lot of soldiers die. Such is life.

That’s a harrowing propaganda poster. But when in war, a lot of soldiers die. Such is life.

64. Be patriotic and save the food.

Yes, people save food because soldiers need it. Because America is begging you.

Yes, people save food because soldiers need it. Because America is begging you.

65. GIs will take care of Japan, this is how you can save money.

This poster gives you some good ideas to save money at a time of rising prices on the Home Front. Also great tips for money saving in general. At least most of them.

This poster gives you some good ideas to save money at a time of rising prices on the Home Front. Also great tips for money saving in general. At least most of them.

66. This is a Russian soldier. He is your friend.

Well, only until the war ends and the Soviet Union is engaged in an arms race with the US over nuclear weapons. So don't expect the friendship to last.

Well, only until the war ends and the Soviet Union is engaged in an arms race with the US over nuclear weapons. So don’t expect the friendship to last. Also, he doesn’t really fight for freedom because Stalinist Russia isn’t a freedom loving place. Not to mention the genocide and purges.

67. Do with less so they’ll have enough!

That's another famous WWII poster, too. And the GI just sits drinking his coffee.

That’s another famous WWII poster, too. And the GI just sits drinking his coffee.

68. Remember, take precautions during an air raid.

Sure you're going to be scared shitless during one. But this doesn't mean you have to go crazy. In fact, on the contrary.

Sure you’re going to be scared shitless during one. But this doesn’t mean you have to go crazy. In fact, on the contrary.

69. Liberty on the phone, war effort needs cash now!

Not sure how she's able to talk with that ridiculous crown on her head. But she'll manage.

Not sure how she’s able to talk with that ridiculous crown on her head. But she’ll manage.

70. For action, enlist in the air service.

Just remember that you'll have insufficient time to train and that a pilot's in flight lifespan is 20 minutes. As I've learned from Blackadder.

Just remember that you’ll have insufficient time to train and that a pilot’s in flight lifespan is 20 minutes. As I’ve learned from Blackadder.

71. Join the Navy, the service for fighting men.

And that guy has to spread his legs on a torpedo. In a Dr. Strangelove bomb pose, no less.

And that guy has to spread his legs on a torpedo. As for fighting men, it doesn’t apply to everyone. Mr. Roberts points that out brilliantly.

72. We’ll win the war, you give us the stuff.

Guy seems quite proud of himself holding up a Japanese Rising Sun flag. He'll probably hang it as a souvenir in his office someday.

Guy seems quite proud of himself holding up a Japanese Rising Sun flag. He’ll probably hang it as a souvenir in his office someday.

73. Join the Veterinary War Corps and treat horses.

Sure the guys may learn something useful. However, WWI kind of helped us all realize that the cavalry had no future in 20th century warfare.

Sure the guys may learn something useful. However, WWI kind of helped us all realize that the cavalry had no future in 20th century warfare.

74. If I was a man, I’d join the Navy.

Seems like they're really pressuring guys to join the Navy with fanservice and an appeal of masculinity. From WWI by the way.

Seems like they’re really pressuring guys to join the Navy with fanservice and an appeal of masculinity. From WWI by the way.

75. Here’s life in the US Navy and what it offers.

A sailor's life at sea is great until either a U-Boat bombs it or seasickness. Also, I'm not sure if monkeys are allowed on board.

A sailor’s life at sea is great until either a U-Boat bombs it or seasickness. Also, I’m not sure if monkeys are allowed on board. Sure beats the trenches though.

76. Guys, enlist so you won’t have to disappoint your kids.

Of course, if men didn't list during WWI, there's a chance they could be drafted. Still, this is another famous poster.

Of course, if men didn’t list during WWI, there’s a chance they could be drafted. Also, didn’t seem to factor in PTSD either. Still, this is another famous poster.

77. Don’t take a chance with prostitutes, guys, these dames are loaded.

So, soldiers, keep it in your pants and don't take your chances. Yet, as we know from human nature, such statements aren't 100% effective.

So, soldiers, keep it in your pants and don’t take your chances. Yet, as we know from human nature, such statements aren’t 100% effective.

78. Join the submarine service and learn to operate something like this.

Wonder why they chose to use a shirtless sailor with a male gaze. Seems a bit suspect, considering that women weren't allowed on subs for a very long time.

Wonder why they chose to use a shirtless sailor with a male gaze. Seems a bit suspect, considering that women weren’t allowed on subs for a very long time.

79. Rosie the Riveter says: “We can do it!”

Of course, I couldn't forget to add her. Such an icon for female empowerment during WWII to get women working in factories.

Of course, I couldn’t forget to add her. Such an icon for female empowerment during WWII to get women working in factories.

80. Even Santa Claus has gone to war.

And he's holding an automatic weapon, too. Not sure if that makes him good or bad though.

And he’s holding an automatic weapon, too. Not sure if that makes him good or bad though.

81. Prevent trench foot, clean and dry your feet, soldiers!

I'm sure this was endemic during WWI since troops spend long spans of time in the trenches. Yet, where would they be able to clean them?

I’m sure this was endemic during WWI since troops spend long spans of time in the trenches. Yet, where would they be able to clean them?

82. In the Pacific, we’re all in this together.

Everyone should know this is the Iwo Jima pose from the photo. Now it's an American iconic image from WWII.

Everyone should know this is the Iwo Jima pose from the photo. Now it’s an American iconic image from WWII.

83. Ladies, take up the jobs he left behind.

Just note, that after the war, you'll be forced to give that job back if it's still available. After that, you'll need to settle into being a wife and mother in suburbia. Because housewives are what women were made to be (sarcasm).

Just note, that after the war, you’ll be forced to give that job back if it’s still available. After that, you’ll need to settle into being a wife and mother in suburbia. Because housewives are what women were expected to be in peacetime (sarcasm).

84. Uncle Sam wants you to buy war bonds.

Here Uncle Sam comes from the sky in blazing glory. He also carries an American flag, too.

Here Uncle Sam comes from the sky in blazing glory. He also carries an American flag, too.

85. Even a dog can enlist, why not you?

Man, they really tried to put men on guilt trips during WWI. Yet, here's scruffy in his Red Cross glory. One dog in that war was even made a sergeant (no joke).

Man, they really tried to put men on guilt trips during WWI. Yet, here’s scruffy in his Red Cross glory. One dog in that war was even made a sergeant (no joke).

86. Housewives, preserve perishable food with cans and jars.

Her she is holding her tin cans. Let's hope she didn't forget to label them because that would be a problem.

Her she is holding her tin cans. Let’s hope she didn’t forget to label them because that would be a problem.

87. In war, knowledge wins.

So learn something by going to your public library. Because the Internet ain't available yet.

So learn something by going to your public library. Because the Internet ain’t available yet.

88. Even office workers do their part with their typewriters.

Is that supposed to be Miss USA? Then again, I don't pay attention to those beauty pageants anyway.

Is that supposed to be Miss USA? Then again, I don’t pay attention to those beauty pageants anyway.

89. Remember, absence makes the war last longer.

So don't sleep in and stay on the job. Yes, it's not easy doing work all day. But you want victory, dammit.

So don’t sleep in and stay on the job. Yes, it’s not easy doing work all day. But you want victory, dammit.

90. Just because she looks clean doesn’t mean she is.

Another anti-STD ad to scare men into keeping it in their pants. As if they didn't have film noir to do it for them already.

Another anti-STD ad to scare men into keeping it in their pants. As if they didn’t have film noir to do it for them already.

91. Tragically, all these soldiers now have syphilis.

Some of them will soon give their wives and sweethearts a very big surprise. And, no, they won't like it. STDs: The gift that keeps on giving whether you'd like it or not.

Some of them will soon give their wives and sweethearts a very big surprise. And, no, they won’t like it. STDs: The gift that keeps on giving whether you’d like it or not.

92. Learn while you serve: join the US Coast Guard.

Because it's the least exciting military branch there is which is great for chickenshits. You just have to watch for enemy ships all day.

Because it’s the least exciting military branch there is which is great for chickenshits. You just have to watch for enemy ships all day.

93. Don’t be a job hopper, it’s bad for the war effort.

Like how the job hopper is depicted as an insect with a hat and lunch box. So funny.

Like how the job hopper is depicted as an insect with a hat and lunch box. So funny.

94. Save your cans and help pass the ammunition.

Like how the bullet chain turns into cans. However, this is about recycling and donating scrap metal.

Like how the bullet chain turns into cans. However, this is about recycling and donating scrap metal.

95. Buy bonds so your kid won’t grow up a Nazi.

Now this is a poster that'll make any parent scared. Yeah, you don't want your kids growing up Nazi.

Now this is a poster that’ll make any parent scared. Yeah, you don’t want your kids growing up Nazi.

96. Ladies, join the Armed forces and help win the war.

Yes, women served in the military during WWII, too. And yes, they did all kinds of things there.

Yes, women served in the military during WWII, too. And yes, they did all kinds of things there.

97. Don’t wait for them to come home, be with them by being a WAC.

Because it's a women's war, too. Also, don't forget to put on lipstick before venturing out of the battlefield.

Because it’s a women’s war, too. Also, don’t forget to put on lipstick before venturing out of the battlefield.

98. Remember, when you ride alone, you let the Nazis win.

So carpool whenever you can. You don't want an invisible Hitler in the passenger seat. You really don't.

So carpool whenever you can. You don’t want an invisible Hitler in the passenger seat. You really don’t.

99. Yes, it can happen here.

Yes, keep em' firing so it doesn't happen here. However, if you live in Britain, it already has since they dealt with the Blitz.

Yes, keep em’ firing so it doesn’t happen here. However, if you live in Britain, it already has since they dealt with the Blitz.

100. Sow the seeds for victory, plant a war garden.

Doesn't hurt if there's a rainbow shining on it either. Such an uplifting image during a time of war.

Doesn’t hurt if there’s a rainbow shining on it either. Such an uplifting image during a time of war.

The Yankee Doodle Dandy World of Vintage 4th of July Cards

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Yes, the 4th of July is a very significant holiday in the US that celebrates the birthday of a nation or the closest thing to it. As you might recall, back in the day, people used to send greeting cards to each other on certain holidays. And in America, the 4th of July would be one of these. Some of these cards might be of the patriotic spirit with American flags, the Statue of Liberty, George Washington, and other pieces of Americana. Some show photos of 4th of July events in their hometown. Yet, while I can show you some of the great 4th of July greeting cards out there, you might be bored to tears. So instead, I’ll show vintage cards that might make you cringe or think they’re unintentionally funny in some sick sort of way. Many of these will pertain to parents’ worst nightmares like depictions of kids holding weapons and fireworks. So sit back and relax this Independence Day with these Yankee Doodle Dandy greeting cards. Or not.

 

  1. “I’m just going to shoot off some fireworks. Want to join me?”
I have a bad feeling about this. You should never let anywhere near kids and explosives (save sparklers but even then). And I know those have much more dangerous than sparklers.

I have a bad feeling about this. You should never let anywhere near kids and explosives (save sparklers but even then). And I know those have much more dangerous than sparklers.

2. “Day of Flags and Cannon and Jubilee! Guarded well, gloried in. So may forever be.”

Whoever thought of trusting a child with guarding fireworks should be charged with child endangerment. Seriously, where are this kid's parents for God's sake?

Whoever thought of trusting a child with guarding fireworks should be charged with child endangerment. Seriously, where are this kid’s parents for God’s sake?

3. The Dog: “I think I’d better skidoo – mother always told me never to accept candy from strangers.”

Don't tell me what that kid's about to do to that dog. Also, what the hell is in that dog's mouth? Hope it's not a firecracker.

Don’t tell me what that kid’s about to do to that dog. Also, what the hell is in that dog’s mouth? Hope it’s not a firecracker.

4. “United We Stand: A Glorious Fourth.”

Oh, great, a kid's holding a sword. And I don't think it's a toy sword at that. Not sure how this playtime could end badly. Oh, wait, I am.

Oh, great, a kid’s holding a sword. And I don’t think it’s a toy sword at that. Not sure how this playtime could end badly. Oh, wait, I am.

5. “The grand old story of a day of fadeless glory.”

I have a bad feeling about what that kid is going to do with the fireworks. Hope he doesn't plan to blow up a neighbor's house. Still, kids shouldn't have access to explosives. They're dangerous.

I have a bad feeling about what that kid is going to do with the fireworks. Hope he doesn’t plan to blow up a neighbor’s house. Still, kids shouldn’t have access to explosives. They’re dangerous.

6. Sometimes it’s said that the Zambellis started their kids on fireworks at a young age.

However, this is utterly ridiculous. Even teenagers shouldn't be around fireworks for God's sake, let alone babies. Seriously, what the hell?

However, this is utterly ridiculous. Even teenagers shouldn’t be around fireworks for God’s sake, let alone babies. Seriously, what the hell?

7. With the sound of a cannon and gun marks the star of fireworks fun.

When I look at this, I hope the guns are full of blanks and the fireworks near him don't get lit. Because he might end up coming to a very bad end if either aren't the case.

When I look at this, I hope the guns are full of blanks and the fireworks near him don’t get lit. Because he might end up coming to a very bad end if either aren’t the case.

8. There’s nothing more glorious on the 4th of July than riding a firework in the sky.

For one, that girl looks quite creepy and her mouth is askew. Also, when that firecracker goes off, there's a chance she'll never be in one piece again. Yet, I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

For one, that girl looks quite creepy and her mouth is askew. Also, when that firecracker goes off, there’s a chance she’ll never be in one piece again. Yet, I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.

9. “Oh, where heads a foot, that would falter for thee!”

Let me see, this boy is surrounded by lit fireworks and a cannon. And he's holding a gun. If I was in his place, I'd be screaming my head off. But he's smiling. Doesn't look right.

Let me see, this boy is surrounded by lit fireworks and a cannon. And he’s holding a gun. If I was in his place, I’d be screaming my head off. But he’s smiling. Doesn’t look right.

10. The 4th of July has always been a day of jubilation.

However, I'd find it very difficult to dance for joy if everything nearby me was exploding. But this girl doesn't seem to have that problem, which greatly disturbs me.

However, I’d find it very difficult to dance for joy if everything nearby me was exploding. But this girl doesn’t seem to have that problem, which greatly disturbs me.

11. “Greetings from a Patriot.”

Is it just me or is that woman literally on fire? And why doesn't she seem the slightest bit fazed by it or screaming her head off? Like a normal person would.

Is it just me or is that woman literally on fire? And why doesn’t she seem the slightest bit fazed by it or screaming her head off? Like a normal person would.

12. It’s always such a sight to see everything go Kaboom! on the 4th of July.

I know that kid is supposed to be in awe of the fireworks. But I think he's practically shitting his pants at the moment because he's surrounded by explosives. Assuming that he's actually sane.

I know that kid is supposed to be in awe of the fireworks. But I think he’s practically shitting his pants at the moment because he’s surrounded by explosives. Assuming that he’s actually sane.

13. “The day we celebrate.”

And that kid is holding a sword while being draped with an American flag. Reading his face, he may have an idea about using it which should be of great concern to his parents.

And that kid is holding a sword while being draped with an American flag. Reading his face, he may have an idea about using it which should be of great concern to his parents.

14. “How to prevent your boy from being killed on the Fourth of July – kill him on the third.”

And that, my friend, is the most fucked up piece of medical advice I've ever heard. Seriously, that doctor is clearly insane and it doesn't help that a kid is being blown up by fireworks either.

And that, my friend, is the most fucked up piece of medical advice I’ve ever heard. Seriously, that doctor is clearly insane and it doesn’t help that a kid is being blown up by fireworks either.

15. A great 4th of July has fireworks all around.

However, this doesn't mean kids should be near them. Because these two are in really terrible danger at the moment. It also doesn't help that both kids are holding fireworks in their hands as if they're toys. They're not.

However, this doesn’t mean kids should be near them. Because these two are in really terrible danger at the moment. It also doesn’t help that both kids are holding fireworks in their hands as if they’re toys. They’re not.

16. This 4th of July, capture the spirit of 1776.

And I wonder how long it took for this little George Washington to shoot up "July 4." Because a Continental Army musket is the farthest thing from an automatic rifle.

And I wonder how long it took for this little George Washington to shoot up “July 4.” Because a Continental Army musket is the farthest thing from an automatic rifle.

17. With the 4th of July, there’s festivities all around.

But this doesn't mean that children should have access to weapons or explosives. Because they're very dangerous and aren't toys in the slightest bit.

But this doesn’t mean that children should have access to weapons or explosives. Because they’re very dangerous and aren’t toys in the slightest bit.

18. Fireworks on the 4th of July mean festive fun all around.

However, this doesn't mean kids should get a hold of fireworks or weapons. That boy at the top already has one lit which makes it only a matter of time before he gets blown up. Seriously, who the hell thought this card was a good idea?

However, this doesn’t mean kids should get a hold of fireworks or weapons. That boy at the top already has one lit which makes it only a matter of time before he gets blown up. Seriously, who the hell thought this card was a good idea?

19. “Wishing you a glorious 4th.”

Now even bears have fireworks in these vintage cards. And he doesn't seem to have a good intention about using them either.

Now even bears have fireworks in these vintage cards. And he doesn’t seem to have a good intention about using them either.

20. The 4th of July always has a great fireworks spectacle in the night sky.

Yet, these kids are happily sitting with lit fireworks when they shouldn't. Also, they're kind of creeping me out with their smiles.

Yet, these kids are happily sitting with lit fireworks when they shouldn’t. Also, they’re kind of creeping me out with their smiles.

21. The 4th of July is a day of celebration.

And this boy is about to accidentally blow himself up. Seriously, no parent should ever allow their kid near matches or explosives for obvious reasons.

And this boy is about to accidentally blow himself up. Seriously, no parent should ever allow their kid near matches or explosives for obvious reasons.

22. It’s not the 4th of July without a fireworks spectacle.

And despite the boy's smiling, he doesn't have much time left in this world. Mostly because the explosives around him are all lit. And he has his face surrounded by a firecracker 4.

And despite the boy’s smiling, he doesn’t have much time left in this world. Mostly because the explosives around him are all lit. And he has his face surrounded by a firecracker 4.

23. “All right, let er’ rip!”

If I were that girl, the possibility of hearing loss wouldn't be biggest concern at the moment. I'd be more worried about surviving my 4th of July in one piece.

If I were that girl, the possibility of hearing loss wouldn’t be biggest concern at the moment. I’d be more worried about surviving my 4th of July in one piece.

24. And here’s another 4th of July greeting.

Well, at least these two are expressing genuine fear. But they don't seem to be running like hell. Because it's not safe to be near explosives at close range.

Well, at least these two are expressing genuine fear. But they don’t seem to be running like hell. Because it’s not safe to be near explosives at close range.

25. May your 4th of July begin and end with a bang.

Again with the kids handling explosives? Seriously, not letting kids near them should be blatantly obvious to parents. You don't want kids coming close to blowing themselves up.

Again with the kids handling explosives? Seriously, not letting kids near them should be blatantly obvious to parents. You don’t want kids coming close to blowing themselves up.

26. Nothing makes a great 4th of July than seeing Uncle Sam’s head on fire.

From Babble: "This just looks dangerous. Here a headless Uncle Sam is surrounded by fireworks with a bold Hurrah! Hurrah!"

From Babble: “This just looks dangerous. Here a headless Uncle Sam is surrounded by fireworks with a bold Hurrah! Hurrah!”

27. Always start your 4th of July with a blast from a cannon.

Now that's a great way to cause permanent hearing loss. Yeah, have kids loading and lighting cannons with no hearing protection whatsoever.

Now that’s a great way to cause permanent hearing loss. Yeah, have kids loading and lighting cannons with no hearing protection whatsoever.

28. If there’s nothing exploding on the 4th of July, then it’s not a celebration.

And again, a boy is surrounded by explosives and weapons. But no one is giving a damn as always in these cards. Not even Uncle Sam himself if he counts as adult supervision.

And again, a boy is surrounded by explosives and weapons. But no one is giving a damn as always in these cards. Not even Uncle Sam himself if he counts as adult supervision.

29. “Golly! Didn’t we have a high old time on the 4th.”

From Babble: "I would like to know how the dog ended up wearing a parachute. The bell and the fireworks, they make sense. The dog? Not so much."

From Babble: “I would like to know how the dog ended up wearing a parachute. The bell and the fireworks, they make sense. The dog? Not so much.”

30. There’s nothing better on the 4th of July than dancing and holding lit fireworks in your hands.

Remember, anyone who does this on the 4th of July will find themselves in the hospital with severe burns, if they're lucky. Otherwise, doing this on the 4th might result in your last day on earth.

Remember, anyone who does this on the 4th of July will find themselves in the hospital with severe burns, if they’re lucky. Otherwise, doing this on the 4th might result in your last day on earth.

31. You can’t have a great 4th of July without harassing the cat.

At least the cat is smart for its running for its dear life. Still, this is just cruelty toward animals on a whole new level.

At least the cat is smart for its running for its dear life. Still, this is just cruelty toward animals on a whole new level.

32. Remember, if you’re near a lit firecracker run away as fast as you can.

Well, at least this one addresses fireworks safety and shows someone running away. However, is the scary firecracker face necessary?

Well, at least this one addresses fireworks safety and shows someone running away. However, is the scary firecracker face necessary?

33. There’s nothing more spectacular on the 4th of July than a fireworks wheel.

And this boy has his hands on it with glee. Really not a safe way to spend your 4th of July at any age. Again, where the hell are his parents?

And this boy has his hands on it with glee. Really not a safe way to spend your 4th of July at any age. Again, where the hell are his parents?

34. The 4th of July is a day when we celebrate the Constitution of Independence.

Actually it's the "Declaration of Independence" not "Constitution of Independence" which never existed. Obviously, this card designer knows nothing on American history or civics.

Actually it’s the “Declaration of Independence” not “Constitution of Independence” which never existed. Obviously, this card designer knows nothing on American history or civics.

35. Remember, 4th of July isn’t a time for fireworks pranks.

Of course, this one severely underestimates the risk of explosives. IT's a wonder why this woman's legs haven't blown off, yet.

Of course, this one severely underestimates the risk of explosives. IT’s a wonder why this woman’s legs haven’t blown off, yet.

36. Take a picture of your kid before the 4th because he may not be around after.

Uh, how about you just keep your kid away from setting off fireworks entirely? Because that would be more responsible parenting and keeps him from being blown up to kingdom come. Seriously, why?

Uh, how about you just keep your kid away from setting off fireworks entirely? Because that would be more responsible parenting and keeps him from being blown up to kingdom come. Seriously, why?

37. It’s all fun and games until the dog gets a hold of a lit firecracker.

Uh, ya think? Yeah, I think it's dangerous for dogs to get a hold of lit firecrackers. I'd also say the same for children, too.

Uh, ya think? Yeah, I think it’s dangerous for dogs to get a hold of lit firecrackers. I’d also say the same for children, too.

38. Setting off fireworks is the thing to do this 4th of July.

Oh, God, don't tell me these kids are about to set off fireworks. Seriously, did these parents ever teach them some common sense? Or are they severely lacking in that department?

Oh, God, don’t tell me these kids are about to set off fireworks. Seriously, did these parents ever teach them some common sense? Or are they severely lacking in that department?

39. “I just raised the ‘ante.'”

Remember, kids, setting off a firecracker under a person's chair as a prank is a horrible idea. I mean, it's a wonder if the house doesn't blow up or he doesn't get anyone killed.

Remember, kids, setting off a firecracker under a person’s chair as a prank is a horrible idea. I mean, it’s a wonder if the house doesn’t blow up or he doesn’t get anyone killed.

40. Happy 4th of July courtesy of firecracker Uncle Sam.

Now that looks quite terrifying if you ask me. Also don't like how he's holding firecracker strings on each hand.

Now that looks quite terrifying if you ask me. Also don’t like how he’s holding firecracker strings on each hand.

41. How about a firework for old Uncle Sam?

From Babble: "It looks like Uncle Sam is about to set her hair on fire." Wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.

From Babble: “It looks like Uncle Sam is about to set her hair on fire.” Wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case.

42. Even monkeys know how to have fun on the 4th of July.

Since when do they let monkeys handle fireworks? This is dangerous enough for adults to do for God's sake.

Since when do they let monkeys handle fireworks? This is dangerous enough for adults to do for God’s sake.

43. The 4th of July is always a glorious celebration with fireworks.

But this doesn't mean that kids should be waving the flag near them. Because they shouldn't. Nor they should be near weapons either.

But this doesn’t mean that kids should be waving the flag near them. Because they shouldn’t. Nor they should be near weapons either.

44. The 4th of July is always a great day for a budding pyromaniac.

Of course, he should consider himself lucky that he got a way with a lost eye. Not sure about his cat though.

Of course, he should consider himself lucky that he got a way with a lost eye. Not sure about his cat though.

45. Hope you have a happy 4th of July in the USA.

From Just a Bunch of Stuff: "Shudder. This girl creeps me OUT. She looks like a cross between Angelica from the Rugrats and Nellie Olsen. I have a feeling she intends to destroy a small town with those fireworks."

From Just a Bunch of Stuff: “Shudder. This girl creeps me OUT. She looks like a cross between Angelica from the Rugrats and Nellie Olsen. I have a feeling she intends to destroy a small town with those fireworks.”

46. Happy 4th of July to all our brave men and women in uniform.

From Just a Bunch of Stuff: "First of all, this is a real crap parade. And, where did they find identical quintuplets who owned sailor suits?"

From Just a Bunch of Stuff: “First of all, this is a real crap parade. And, where did they find identical quintuplets who owned sailor suits?”

47. Wish you a grand 4th of July from up in the air.

From Just a Bunch of Stuff: "I don't know about you, but my ideal July 4th vehicle doesn't involve something that resembles the Hindenberg or a pencil." Has a point since there's a bunch of stuff exploding in the sky that night. So maybe a blimp or hot air balloon ride on the 4th isn't such a great idea.

From Just a Bunch of Stuff: “I don’t know about you, but my ideal July 4th vehicle doesn’t involve something that resembles the Hindenberg or a pencil.” Has a point since there’s a bunch of stuff exploding in the sky that night. So maybe a blimp or hot air balloon ride on the 4th isn’t such a great idea.

48. “What are you laughing at?”

Okay, someone shoved a firecracker down a guy's pocket. That can't be good. Also, I think one of these kids is a racist caricature, too which poses another problem.

Okay, someone shoved a firecracker down a guy’s pocket. That can’t be good. Also, I think one of these kids is a racist caricature, too which poses another problem.

49. “Come here, doggie. Nice doggie.”

Please don't tell me they're going to set off fireworks near the dog. I can understand why the pooch is reasonably afraid. Because I would, too, if I was in that situation.

Please don’t tell me they’re going to set off fireworks near the dog. I can understand why the pooch is reasonably afraid. Because I would, too, if I was in that situation.

50. Of course, we all know what happens after the 4th of July fireworks festivities.

That's right, the lucky idiots usually end up like that in the hospital. The unlucky ones might end up in a morgue.

That’s right, the lucky idiots usually end up like that in the hospital. The unlucky ones might end up in a morgue.

Celebrate the Stars and Stripes Forever with These Star Spangled 4th of July Craft Projects

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When it comes to 4th of July, some Americans take the holiday more seriously and go all out than others. For instance, my family hardly does anything special on the 4th other than watch fireworks outside at night. Yet, there are communities that stage 4th of July parades as well as have 4th of July picnics. Then there are residents that have 4th of July picnics or barbecues as well. Yet, on 4th of July, there are plenty of Americans who decorate their homes in a patriotic flair like this one shown above. Families like mine don’t do this. But plenty do since 4th of July decorations are now on sale at stores during this time, especially American flags. Yet, for some people, 4th of July decorations like these don’t seem unique enough for there taste. So these people make their own in order to celebrate the holiday. And yes, you can find plenty of 4th of July crafts on Pinterest and Etsy, too. Many of these DIY decorations are clad in red, white, and blue as well as may contain an American flag. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you to the star spangled world of unforgettable 4th of July craft projects.

 

  1. An American flag quilting square is well suited for any wall.
And it looks quite fine for over a table. Like the star part on it. Yes, it's cool.

And it looks quite fine for over a table. Like the star part on it. Yes, it’s cool.

2. Plants are sure to thrive in this star spangled planter.

This consists of 2 flower pots. The smaller is of stripes. The larger is blue with white stars.

This consists of 2 flower pots. The smaller is of stripes. The larger is blue with white stars.

3. These wooden firecrackers will surely bring a bang to your decor.

Sure they may not explode. But they are clad like the American flag and are great for either indoors or outdoors.

Sure they may not explode. But they are clad like the American flag and are great for either indoors or outdoors.

4. A red, white, and blue wooden chair looks great with a Betsy Ross star design.

And you can sit your ass on there whenever you'd like on the 4th of July. Still, remember Betsy Ross didn't design the first American flag. Honest she didn't.

And you can sit your ass on there whenever you’d like on the 4th of July. Still, remember Betsy Ross didn’t design the first American flag. Honest she didn’t.

5. A sheet with corrugated aluminum always makes a great American flag hanging.

Just note that making anything with an American flag pattern takes a lot of time and precision. Because the flag itself has a lot of small details to account for like stars for instance.

Just note that making anything with an American flag pattern takes a lot of time and precision. Because the flag itself has a lot of small details to account for like stars for instance.

6. How about a star spangled banner made from twigs?

Well, that looks quite rustic. Like how they tied all the sticks together. Lovely.

Well, that looks quite rustic. Like how they tied all the sticks together. Lovely.

7. For double front doors, it’s stars on one side and stripes on the other.

As you can see with this pair of wreaths. Then again, neither seem very hard to do at any rate.

As you can see with this pair of wreaths. Then again, neither seem very hard to do at any rate.

8. If you don’t have any stars, you can always try white buttons.

Sure white buttons will do for that American flag wreath. Makes it seem quite quaint for any patriotic household.

Sure white buttons will do for that American flag wreath. Makes it seem quite quaint for any patriotic household.

9. A patriotic wreath like this will make you see stars.

Because it's a red, white, and blue star wreath. And yes, it has some ribbon trimmings, too.

Because it’s a red, white, and blue star wreath. And yes, it has some ribbon trimmings, too.

10. Sometimes the wreath itself can come in all 3 American flag colors.

Well, I like how the colors seem to meld in this one. Also like how it's covered in white stars, too.

Well, I like how the colors seem to meld in this one. Also like how it’s covered in white stars, too.

11. May this glass block say, “God Bless America.”

Like a lot of glass blocks I've shown, this also lights up at night, too. Like the font on this, too.

Like a lot of glass blocks I’ve shown, this also lights up at night, too. Like the font on this, too.

12. You can make your own Uncle Sam with a flower pot and a can.

And it seems Uncle Sam is looking sensational. Like the stars on his hat. Then again, everything about this is quite ingenious if you think about it.

And it seems Uncle Sam is looking sensational. Like the stars on his hat. Then again, everything about this is quite ingenious if you think about it.

13. A shutter of Old Glory is a must for any patriotic home.

This one has the American flag on it and seems quite rustic and antique. Still, like the rows of stars on the top.

This one has the American flag on it and seems quite rustic and antique. Still, like the rows of stars on the top.

14. Outdoors, grace your patio furniture with some red, white, and blue cushions.

They come in red, white, and blue with white stars. Also includes a blue pillow with white stars, too.

They come in red, white, and blue with white stars. Also includes a blue pillow with white stars, too.

15. This red, white, and blue ribbon tree is great for any American home.

I've seen such trees like it for other holidays. But this one certainly goes well for 4th of July or any patriotic holiday.

I’ve seen such trees like it for other holidays. But this one certainly goes well for 4th of July or any patriotic holiday.

16. Who knew that you can plant flowers in a pair of star spangled cowboy boots?

Well, the flowers certainly go with the boot design. But don't try to wear them. Really, it's not a good idea.

Well, the flowers certainly go with the boot design. But don’t try to wear them. Really, it’s not a good idea.

17. Serve your guests appetizers with this American flag tray.

The dip area goes in the star place by the way. But I'm not sure if you'd want to use a tray like this at a 4th of July party.

The dip area goes in the star place by the way. But I’m not sure if you’d want to use a tray like this at a 4th of July party.

18. An American flag can be easily painted on a panel of wood.

But like I said, patience, persistence, and precision is needed. Also, you'd probably not produce something as nice like this.

But like I said, patience, persistence, and precision is needed. Also, you’d probably not produce something as nice like this.

19. A 4th of July wreath like this one makes its own fireworks.

Anyone could just say so for themselves. Because it looks so patriotic and festive.

Anyone could just say so for themselves. Because it looks so patriotic and festive.

20. There’s no wreath that captures the patriotic spirit like a stars and stripes one of tulle.

Only a quarter of it is blue with 3 white stars. The rest is of red and white stripes all around.

Only a quarter of it is blue with 3 white stars. The rest is of red and white stripes all around.

21. A patriotic apron matron always dresses in her star spangled attire in the kitchen.

Wonder if they have a male version of this. And I wonder if it comes with an Uncle Sam chef's hat along with it.

Wonder if they have a male version of this. And I wonder if it comes with an Uncle Sam chef’s hat along with it.

22. For those flowery spirits, a 4th of July carnation wreath is just for you.

Of course, the flowers on these are totally fake like you'd see in a cemetery during the winter. But this is very pretty just the same.

Of course, the flowers on these are totally fake like you’d see in a cemetery during the winter. But this is very pretty just the same.

23. For your patriotic porch swing, you’ll need some patriotic cushions a 4th of July occasion.

This set has a red seat with 2 striped pillows and 1 long pillow with stars. A great American outdoor arrangement, may I say.

This set has a red seat with 2 striped pillows and 1 long pillow with stars. A great American outdoor arrangement, may I say.

24. I’m sure you can put these firecrackers right out in your lawn.

Because unlike real firecrackers, they don't really explode and cause any danger to humans. Also, you can decorate them as you please.

Because unlike real firecrackers, they don’t really explode and cause any danger to humans. Also, you can decorate them as you please.

25. For simplicity’s sake you can always wrap an American flag on a wreath.

But make sure it's small enough and bought cheap. Because you don't want to put a real one on there. Like the blue star though.

But make sure it’s small enough and bought cheap. Because you don’t want to put a real one on there. Like the blue star though.

26. Got old wine glasses? Make patriotic candle holders out of them.

And you could make 2 with stripes and 1 with stars. Also, you can use string for a rustic touch.

And you could make 2 with stripes and 1 with stars. Also, you can use string for a rustic touch.

27. Show your love for the US by decorating your mailbox in star spangled glory.

And it seems this person went all out with theirs. Includes American flags, ribbons, firecrackers, and a beer can.

And it seems this person went all out with theirs. Includes American flags, ribbons, firecrackers, and a beer can.

28. This patriotic lantern will surely hold a candle.

Yet, since it's made of wood, it's probably better off as decoration. Then again, the candle could be fake and battery powered.

Yet, since it’s made of wood, it’s probably better off as decoration. Then again, the candle could be fake and battery powered.

29. If you don’t like wreaths, perhaps wrap a flag around a ladder.

Once again, don't use a real American flag for this. Yet, I do think this makes a great outdoor decoration.

Once again, don’t use a real American flag for this. Yet, I do think this makes a great outdoor decoration.

30. A star spangled star is always a sight to see.

You can find stars like this anywhere they sell outdoor decor. But I like how this one is painted. Lovely.

You can find stars like this anywhere they sell outdoor decor. But I like how this one is painted. Lovely.

31. Of course, a red, white, and blue berry wreath is possible.

Well, this one seems to have a few rustic touches. Like the blue part with stars.

Well, this one seems to have a few rustic touches. Like the blue part with stars.

32. A wooden Uncle Sam gives any patriotic abode a few homey touches.

This one seems so finely painted, too. Like his bow and hat. Adorable.

This one seems so finely painted, too. Like his bow and hat. Adorable.

33. A red, white, and blue bauble wreath brings out a festive American spirit.

And I guess this will be as American and patriotic as red, white, and blue fireworks. The stars on this are great though.

And I guess this will be as American and patriotic as red, white, and blue fireworks. The stars on this are great though.

34. Step out at your 4th of July party with a pair of patriotic flip flops.

These have red and white straps and blue bows with stars. However, don't wear these in a public shower.

These have red and white straps and blue bows with stars. However, don’t wear these in a public shower. They’re not for that.

35. These American flag candle holders are made from star spangled glass.

Actually I made that up. But they surely seem pretty from sea to shining sea.

Actually I made that up. But they surely seem pretty from sea to shining sea.

36. Didn’t know you can put an American flag in a window pane.

Well, I don't think you can. But this setup does make a really nice 4th of July decoration.

Well, I don’t think you can. But this setup does make a really nice 4th of July decoration.

37. How would you like to put this American flag at your door?

Well, this is a deco mesh flag decoration and not an exact copy. But it will be great for any patriotic home, nonetheless.

Well, this is a deco mesh flag decoration and not an exact copy. But it will be great for any patriotic home, nonetheless.

38. An American flag wreath like this is a must for any flag waving American who loves their country.

Not sure what it's made from. But it's certainly a 4th of July wreath anyone could hang on their front door. Like the stars, too.

Not sure what it’s made from. But it’s certainly a 4th of July wreath anyone could hang on their front door. Like the stars, too.

39. These crocheted American flag coasters will keep your wooden surfaces safe.

They may also be able to double as pot holders if they're big enough. Still, might take some time to make them.

They may also be able to double as pot holders if they’re big enough. Still, might take some time to make them.

40. Salute the red, white, and blue with a tulle wreath like this.

This is especially if you're the one setting off fireworks. Like the design on this. Lovely.

This is especially if you’re the one setting off fireworks. Like the design on this. Lovely.

41. These American flag mason jars will make your flowers thrive.

One has stars while 2 have stripes. But they seem to be used as vases than anything.

One has stars while 2 have stripes. But they seem to be used as vases than anything.

42. A burlap wreath can always bring out an American pioneer spirit.

That looks quite lovely for an old wooden door. Love the blue bow with stars on it. Cute.

That looks quite lovely for an old wooden door. Love the blue bow with stars on it. Cute.

43. How about a star coming out of an old Uncle Sam hat?

Makes a fine centerpiece for a table or decoration for anything in the living room. Like how the hat's painted, too.

Makes a fine centerpiece for a table or decoration for anything in the living room. Like how the hat’s painted, too.

44. A quilt like this is surely an American patchwork effort.

And it seems to use so many shades of red, white, and blue. More or less draped on a bench for decoration.

And it seems to use so many shades of red, white, and blue. More or less draped on a bench for decoration.

45. If you love this land, salute the USA with this hanging.

But you might want to keep it around to support Team USA in the Olympics. Just saying.

But you might want to keep it around to support Team USA in the Olympics. Just saying.

46. Drape your American furniture with this American flag blanket.

Yes, it kind of looks as if it was made from rags and cloth scraps. But that's kind of intentional.

Yes, it kind of looks as if it was made from rags and cloth scraps. But that’s kind of intentional.

47. An American yarn wreath has its own kind of patriotic elegance.

Well, it's quite graceful compared to some of the other wreaths I posed. Love how the stars look in that navy blue.

Well, it’s quite graceful compared to some of the other wreaths I posed. Love how the stars look in that navy blue.

48. Using the right license plates can really make a great patriotic statement.

Yes, this is an American flag made from license plates. Don't ask me what state you have to live to make something like this. Because I don't have the slightest idea.

Yes, this is an American flag made from license plates. Don’t ask me what state you have to live to make something like this. Because I don’t have the slightest idea.

49. I’m sure the light of liberty can shine through this painted wine bottle.

This old wine bottle is painted red, white, and blue. And it has something lighting up inside as well. Yes, it's quite amazing.

This old wine bottle is painted red, white, and blue. And it has something lighting up inside as well. Yes, it’s quite amazing.

50. Didn’t know you can put an American flag impression on a tree slice.

And this kid seems quite proud of it, too. Notice how the blue part is all sparkly.

And this kid seems quite proud of it, too. Notice how the blue part is all sparkly.

51. Rest your head on these crocheted American flag pillows.

Or pillowcases if I'm wrong. Either way, they'll bring out the American spirit on your couch.

Or pillowcases if I’m wrong. Either way, they’ll bring out the American spirit on your couch.

52. An American plant is bound to blossom in this stars and stripes flower pot.

Has a blue row with stripes on the top. And columns of red and white stripes on the bottom.

Has a blue row with stripes on the top. And columns of red and white stripes on the bottom.

53. A cushion like this will honor who is first in the hearts of his countrymen.

You know him as George Washington. By the way, did I tell you he accidentally started a major world war at 22? True story.

You know him as George Washington. By the way, did I tell you he accidentally started a major world war at 22? True story.

54. This hanging salutes the men and women fighting for our freedom overseas.

And it has a silhouette of Iwo Jima photo holding a small American flag. Very creative if you ask me.

And it has a silhouette of Iwo Jima photo holding a small American flag. Very creative if you ask me.

55. Among these stars USA surely stands out.

I suppose these are made from wood. And are painted in the red, white, and blue.

I suppose these are made from wood. And are painted in the red, white, and blue.

56. A weary head will have a fine rest with this stars and stripes pillow.

Well, it doesn't have all the stars on it. But it's a very good American flag rendition.

Well, it doesn’t have all the stars on it. But it’s a very good American flag rendition.

57. Keep yourself squeaky clean with some 4th of July soap.

Contains stars inside and out. Will surely keep you star spangled and squeaky clean.

Contains stars inside and out. Will surely keep you star spangled and squeaky clean.

58. No American flowers can thrive better than in a glass mosaic American flag vase.

Well, that's a grand old design on a vase. Wouldn't want to put that in a high place with a small ledge. Hate to see something like that broken.

Well, that’s a grand old design on a vase. Wouldn’t want to put that in a high place with a small ledge. Hate to see something like that broken.

59. For a grand old American shower experience this star spangled soap is for you.

Yes, this is a bar of soap that resembles an American flag. But it will soon disappear after using it for some time.

Yes, this is a bar of soap that resembles an American flag. But it will soon disappear after use for some time.

60. For a more American living room, this hanging has the land of the free in its flag.

Well, as far as the lower 48 are concerned. Alaska and Hawaii aren't on here. Not sure if it goes well with aluminum though.

Well, as far as the lower 48 are concerned. Alaska and Hawaii aren’t on here. Not sure if it goes well with aluminum though.

61. A light up wine bottle with stripes and stars can always shine bright in dark places.

Well, it surely lights up better than the previous one I showed earlier. Really pretty if you ask me.

Well, it surely lights up better than the previous one I showed earlier. Really pretty if you ask me.

62. You can assemble an American flag with 5 of these old wine bottles.

However, you don't drink out of them because they're for display. Consists of 2 blue with stars and 3 with red and white stripes.

However, you don’t drink out of them because they’re for display. Consists of 2 blue with stars and 3 with red and white stripes.

63. These star spangled planters will bring your plants to patriotic glory.

Well, they're made of metal and look quite antique. But they sure have lovely flowers in them.

Well, they’re made of metal and look quite antique. But they sure have lovely flowers in them.

64. For 4th of July, this wreath salutes the red, white, and denim blue.

Yes, this is a denim 4th of July wreath. Hope the denim on here is from jeans made in the USA.

Yes, this is a denim 4th of July wreath. Hope the denim on here is from jeans made in the USA.

65. You’ll be lucky to find this 4th of July wreath of horseshoes.

Like how these form a star in the center. And how it's painted blue while the edges are red and white.

Like how these form a star in the center. And how it’s painted blue while the edges are red and white.

66. A wreath like this draped with an American flag shows how you’re devoted to this country.

Yes, this is a heart wreath draped with an American flag. And yes, it's a patriotic piece of beauty just the same.

Yes, this is a heart wreath draped with an American flag. And yes, it’s a patriotic piece of beauty just the same.

67. A wreath with a lot flags can always capture the American spirit.

I guess you get these flags from sandwiches. Or a craft store to make something like this.

I guess you get these flags from sandwiches. Or a craft store to make something like this.

68. An old American flag always goes well with flowers.

Yes, the flag might seem aged in this but it's intentional. But I think the flowers on here are especially pretty.

Yes, the flag might seem aged in this but it’s intentional. But I think the flowers on here are especially pretty.

69. A 4th of July wreath is well suited beyond the fruited plains.

It even uses 3 old looking flags for more patriotic goodness. Also good for using on Thanksgiving if you think it's appropriate.

It even uses 3 old looking flags for more patriotic goodness. Also good for using on Thanksgiving if you think it’s appropriate.

70. A beaded American flag pin helps show off your love for your country.

I've seen a few of these in my life. So they're probably not hard to make if you can get some beads through a safety pin coil.

I’ve seen a few of these in my life. So they’re probably not hard to make if you can get some beads through a safety pin coil.

71. I’m sure the Statue of Liberty would wear an apron like this in her kitchen.

This one has a blue top with white stars. And a skirt with red and white stripes to go along with it.

This one has a blue top with white stars. And a skirt with red and white stripes to go along with it.

72. Cuddle up on your couch this 4th of July with this quality patriotic pillow.

Has a blue ribbon with stars on a zizgag red and white stripe pattern. But you can't help but love it.

Has a blue ribbon with stars on a zizgag red and white stripe pattern. But you can’t help but love it.

73. Guess I’d call this a horseshoe flag.

Well, except for the blue star union pattern. Nevertheless, I think this is a very clever rendition of the stars and stripes.

Well, except for the blue star union pattern. Nevertheless, I think this is a very clever rendition of the stars and stripes.

74. With this wreath, may God bless the land we love.

Yes, it says "God Bless America" on it with a heart shaped wreath. But it surely looks patriotic and festive to me. So it goes on this post.

Yes, it says “God Bless America” on it with a heart shaped wreath. But it surely looks patriotic and festive to me. So it goes on this post.

75. A star spangled American owl will surely be a hoot on the 4th of July.

I know our country's symbol is the bald eagle. But this is so cute that I had to put it on this post.

I know our country’s symbol is the bald eagle. But this is so cute that I had to put it on this post.

76. Keep your clothes free from wrinkles with this stars and stripes ironing board.

Okay, it's more for decorative purposes only. I just want to say that. Still, nice how someone can use that as a 4th of July decoration.

Okay, it’s more for decorative purposes only. I just want to say that. Still, nice how someone can use that as a 4th of July decoration.

77. This small American flag makes a great patchwork display from a hanger.

Yes, it only has a quilting star on it and different pattern stripes. But that's kind of the point of patchwork quilt works.

Yes, it only has a quilting star on it and different pattern stripes. But that’s kind of the point of patchwork quilt works.

78. For those who think a beaded flag pin is too difficult, you might like this American flag angel.

Well, that's more original than a flag pin. But it's also quite tiny. Very pretty though.

Well, that’s more original than a flag pin. But it’s also quite tiny. Very pretty though.

79. For patriotic 4th of July displays, this American flag table runner comes in handy.

Yes, put anything red, white, and blue on it, except food. Because you want to preserve the decoration, people.

Yes, put anything red, white, and blue on it, except food. Because you want to preserve the decoration, people.

80. Keep your star spangled things in order with these Betsy Ross flag boxes.

They can also be used as display items as well. Come in 3 different sizes.

They can also be used as display items as well. Come in 3 different sizes.

81. Salute the USA on the 4th of July with this light up wine bottle.

Guess it's the 3rd one I've had on this post that light. But it does have the letters "USA" on it and puts the stars on the side.

Guess it’s the 3rd one I’ve had on this post that light. But it does have the letters “USA” on it and puts the stars on the side.

82. Guess this will make a very patriotic planter display.

Has the stars on the bottom and the stripes on the top. Really looks amazing though.

Has the stars on the bottom and the stripes on the top. Really looks amazing though.

83. A deco mesh that’s red, white, and blue is surely festive for the 4th of July celebrations.

Now that's a great front door patriotic display on a wreath. Love the glittery red, white, and blue stars, too.

Now that’s a great front door patriotic display on a wreath. Love the glittery red, white, and blue stars, too.

84. Sit your ass down on this star spangled chair.

Your seat is on the stripes. And your back is on the stars. Not sure if it sounds right.

Your seat is on the stripes. And your back is on the stars. Not sure if it sounds right.

85. American birds will always enjoy a star spangled birdhouse.

Personally, I don't think the birds give a shit. But these are really nice birdhouses if you ask me.

Personally, I don’t think the birds give a shit. But these are really nice birdhouses if you ask me.

86. Some jars can be used to hold flowers, others to hold lights.

Well, this is a nice way to use old jars. Like how the lights show through them in the night.

Well, this is a nice way to use old jars. Like how the lights show through them in the night.

87. For taller flowers, patriotic plant buckets should come in handy.

And each metal pot is decorated in a unique style. Like the one in the middle the best.

And each metal pot is decorated in a unique style. Like the one in the middle the best.

88. You can always make old wine bottles appear both patriotic and festive.

Helps that these also have ribbons on the tops. And the one in the middle has some other decor along with it.

Helps that these also have ribbons on the tops. And the one in the middle has some other decor along with it.

89. There’s always a party going on wherever you see a patriotic cocktail wreath.

This is made from the umbrellas you find in drinks. But these have American flag stuff on them.

This is made from the umbrellas you find in drinks. But these have American flag stuff on them.

90. With this 4th of July hanging, you always have to include some rockets.

And both of them seem to have an American flag on them. Like the bow though.

And both of them seem to have an American flag on them. Like the bow though.

91. Wooden fireworks always look amazing when displayed on a table.

Because they're in patriotic colors and don't blow up. Like the bows on these by the way.

Because they’re in patriotic colors and don’t blow up. Like the bows on these by the way.

92. An American flag can always spring out of Uncle Sam’s hat.

Yes, this is another Uncle Sam hat display. But this one is quite different. Because it has a flag springing from it. The other one didn't.

Yes, this is another Uncle Sam hat display. But this one is quite different. Because it has a flag springing from it. The other one didn’t.

93. This star spangled vessel would go great on any living room table.

I'm not sure what this is supposed to be but I know it seems old-fashioned. But I like how it's painted.

I’m not sure what this is supposed to be but I know it seems old-fashioned. But I like how it’s painted.

94. A wreath like this is great for welcoming guests for your star spangled festivities.

And when you look in the middle, you see that a star is formed. Kind of neat if you ask me.

And when you look in the middle, you see that a star is formed. Kind of neat if you ask me.

95. Or perhaps an American flag deco mesh wreath might suit you better.

For a craft post, I just had to include this. This is especially since it has the American flag pattern on it.

For a craft post, I just had to include this. This is especially since it has the American flag pattern on it.

96. These wooden firework blocks are bursting with stars.

Well, as far as the stars are streaming out from these blocks. Available in red, white, and blue.

Well, as far as the stars are streaming out from these blocks. Available in red, white, and blue.

97. This American flag is on the rails.

I have to admit, never seen a flag like this before. Like the star dots on there. So lovely.

I have to admit, never seen a flag like this before. Like the star dots on there. So lovely.

98. Salute America with these wooden fireworks of the rockets’ red glare.

Each one is decorated in its own way. One even says, "USA."

Each one is decorated in its own way. One even says, “USA.”

99. With a wreath like this, your patriotism has to be rather flowery.

Yes, this is another flower 4th of July wreath. But this one has the flowers closer together and a red, white, and blue ribbon in front of it.

Yes, this is another flower 4th of July wreath. But this one has the flowers closer together and a red, white, and blue ribbon on it.

100. With this wall hanging on your door, you can let freedom ring.

And it helps because it has red, white, and blue jingles that jangle. Love the flowers on this though. Very pretty.

And it helps because it has red, white, and blue jingles that jangle. Love the flowers on this though. Very pretty.