The Wonderful World of the Teddy Bear (Fifth Edition)

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A popular Valentine’s Day present is a stuffed bear with moveable arms and legs. Since its introduction in 1903 and named after Teddy Roosevelt, these toys have become among the most popular ever since. After all, they’re fuzzy, cute, cuddly, and you can dress them up however you like. Thus, you can see all kinds of teddy bears dressed for holidays, special occasions, and characters from pop culture. There are even teddy bear museums where these toys reenact certain scenes. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of adorable teddy bears. Enjoy.

  1. Don’t mess with the Undertakebear.

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He’s based on the WWE wrestler, the Undertaker. Wonder why he’s not wearing a shirt with his suit.

2. You’d swear this teddy bear can glow in the dark.

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Actually, it lights up inside. I’m sure batteries are included.

3. Make way for the Teddy bear fashion show.

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Come see the latest fashions in chic bear couture. I’m sure the clothes won’t come cheap.

4. Mother Theresa helps the poor bears of Calcutta.

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Sure, she may not be the saint we think she is. But come on, she and her bear order nuns look cute in these sari habits.

5. You’d think this bear was some Einstein.

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Okay, he’s supposed to be dressed like famous physicist Albert Einstein. Has E=mc squared on his paw.

6. Watch out for that iceberg.

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This is supposed to be the teddy bear version of the Titanic. A lot of bears lost their lives that night.

7. He’s all dressed with a place to go.

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Here’s a Boyd bear with a small suitcase. Wonder why he travels light.

8. In China, don’t forget to see the tomb of Emperor Qin.

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This one has a bear terra cotta army. And yes, bear tourists take pictures of them.

9. Germany unites with the fall of the Bearlin Wall.

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Here some bear tears down the wall which will later symbolize the fall of Communism. So East and West Germany can unite as one.

10. These bears are globe trekking.

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Since they’re a family of tourists. Though I don’t think tourists dress like these bears in real life. So cute.

11. “Growl once again, my dear, our strange duet….”

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This is a Phantom o the Opera bear. Hopefully, he doesn’t sing like Gerard Butler.

12. You won’t be chilly for this Winterland Queen bear.

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She wears a blue sparkly dress. Not to mention, she’s a ripoff on Queen Elsa from Frozen.

13. You’d admire this bear’s hat with flowers.

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She wears a purple hat with deep pink flowers all made out of felt. Also like the purple sash. So pretty.

14. Joe Biden is ready to run again.

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Though so far, he hasn’t managed to gain much traction. As we can see with the results in Iowa.

15. Santa finishes one more wooden soldier.

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Here he’s in his workshop making toys. Before he goes out to deliver them for that one night.

16. You’ll find nothing wooden with this nutcracker.

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Well, this bear is dressed up as one. But he won’t really crack nuts. Because he’s plush wearing felt clothes.

17. This bear’s got a plain habit.

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Since he’s a monk. So he’s just wearing a plain black robe. So cute.

18. Beware the Queen of Hearts.

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Because if you slight her, she’ll have you beheaded. Doesn’t matter if you’re an outsider or one of her card soldiers.

19. Let’s make this landing at Omaha Beach.

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Yes, these bears are reenacting D-Day. And yes, some of them will not survive the invasion. But they’re fighting Nazis for God’s sake.

20. This Teddy Bear is ready to ride.

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Since he’s a teddy bear of Teddy Roosevelt. For the teddy bear’s named after him.

21. Want a cold drink with this polar bear?

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No thanks for me since I don’t drink pop. But he’s nevertheless an iconic bear that you see around Christmas.

22. The Pope emerges to greet the crowds.

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Here he stands between 2 cardinal bears with his long crucifix staff. Yet, unlike human popes, he doesn’t wear shoes.

23. You’d think this bear was out on safari.

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Since he’s clearly wearing such an expedition outfit. Even carries a sleeping mat. So cute.

24. This chili pepper will bring some spice to your life.

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It even comes with maracas. You’d almost think it works at a Mexican restaurant.

25. You’d might want to party with this bear.

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Since he’s dressed as a glass of beer. Though I’d recommend not to let him drive you home from the bar.

26. Many swear to have seen this Sasquatch bear.

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He’s fuzzier than most. Yet, despite numerous sightings, scientists question his existence.

27. Dr. Bear wants you to brush your teeth.

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Though there’s only a 1 out of 3 chance he accepts Medicaid. If you live in the US, that is

28. Here some rich bears gather for a game of polo.

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They ride on plush horses and use sticks to move a ball. And no, I don’t understand how polo works.

29. This bear works all the livelong day on the railroad.

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This train engineer bear wears a striped hat and coveralls. But modern train engineers don’t usually wear such apparel.

30. Check out the tatt on this sailor.

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It’s one of a heart on his arm. Yet, how can you tattoo a bear, I have no idea.

31. The Korean streets are rather bustling.

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This one has marketplaces, tables, and a tent. Then again, it might be outside the palace.

32. Someone’s ready for a summer’s day.

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Though I’m not sure if she’s just going on a summer stroll to the park or the beach. Then again, she’s not wearing tennis shoes so it’s probably the latter.

33. Here we come across a royal procession.

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Okay, this is a Korean procession. Since a lot of teddy bear museums are in South Korea for some reason. But you have to admire the time and effort people put into this.

34. This bear will put out fires for you.

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Okay, maybe not. But you can cuddle with him as your relationship with your significant other crashes and burns.

35. Someone’s ready to race for once.

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Since he’s the cutest auto racer you’ll ever see. Hope his car doesn’t crash and burn.

36. This guy always supports his mom.

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For he’s her #1 fan. Though at least he’s not creepy about it. Unlike Oedipus.

37. You’d make yourself at home in this Korean village.

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Yes, you find a lot of Korean stuff in these teddy bear museums. Since most of them are from South Korea. Don’t know why that is.

38. Teddy bears construct some Buddhist statues.

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Guess this is for a temple or shrine. Not sure why the golden Buddha statues don’t look like bears.

39. This bear pilot is ready for takeoff.

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Sure his plane doesn’t seem ready to fly. But he doesn’t seem to mind.

40. Guess Koreans really know how to put on a festival.

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This one seems to have plenty of ceremonial dancers. From a teddy bear museum in Seoul.

41. The Netherlands has a peaceful countryside.

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This one features windmills and tulip fields. So you can guess this is a Dutch display.

42. The Korean king sits on his throne.

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Guess this ceremony must’ve taken place between the 19th century and the Korean War. Because we know the Korean kingdom’s no more nowadays.

43. She’s all dressed up for a night on the town.

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Here she wears a red dress and carries a purse. Like the matching bows on her dress and ear.

44. She decided to go summer casual today.

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Here she wears a striped top with jean. Also carries a purse. Like the gold buttons.

45. You’ll be enchanted by this fancy dress ball.

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The display’s not very big. Yet, you’d have to admire the fancy clothes, especially the dresses.

46. These bears go to visit Mount Bearmore.

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It’s basically a teddy bear version of Mount Rushmore. And yes you got some teddy bears in the foreground.

47. “Cubs, start your lessons.”

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This is an old fashioned school house scene from a teddy bear museum in Germany. Because each kid has their own chalk board.

48. This teddy bear is a wizard.

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Since he’s a Harry Potter bear. shown with his scar, hat, and Quidditch broom.

49. How about a trip to the zoo?

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Some of the animals here are in plush as well. While the bears frequent the premises. Wonder what the bear exhibit is like.

50. You’d think this angel is heaven sent.

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She’s a Boyd’s Bear. She wears a dress and felt wings.

51. These servants always work long hours.

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This is from a teddy bear museum in Dorset. And yes, these servants are washing dishes.

52. You’d think this family is rather well-to-do.

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You’d see a family like this on Downton Abbey. Except that they’re bears. From a teddy bear museum in Dorset.

53. Steve Jobs unveils the latest Apple product.

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He stands near a chair in a black turtleneck. Though his claws won’t hurt you.

54. Klawlo Ren will finish what his grandfather started.

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Though watch out when he whips up his lightsaber. Since he’s been known to go to town on it like slicing and smashing things.

55. This bear’s not afraid of no ghost.

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This is a ghostbuster bear. So it has the logo on its paw inside its shoes.

56. With Genie bear, he’ll grant you 3 wishes at your command.

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I’m sure this one was for the live-action remake with Will Smith. As I can tell from the beard and outfit.

57. Rey always knows how to fight with her staff.

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Of course, her bear version doesn’t have her intricate hairstyle. But wait until she gets a hold on a lightsaber.

58. Darth Bearder’s on the Dark Side of the Force.

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And yes, he’s black with ears on his helmet. But he still needs to wear his suit in order to live. After what Obi Wan Kenobi did to him.

59. Secret agent or fashionista?

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Since this bear’s wearing a black coat and sunglasses. So you may never know.

60. “Sheriff Woody, at your service…”

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Here this bear wears the Woody get up. Afraid of getting replaced by a space toy, if Buzz Lightyear gets any hint.

61. Deadpool would like to propose.

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Here he goes on one knee with a ring. Great for a guy who wants to marry a girl who likes Marvel and has a sense of humor.

62. Jasmine can always be a princess to impress.

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Though you have to admit, she does have daddy issues. Yet, she doesn’t hold the lamp in either the Disney or the live-action version.

63. Captain America is American patriotism personified.

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He also shows the wonders of performance enhancement drugs in the Marvel universe. Still, this bear of him is blue.

64. Cinderella is all dressed for the ball.

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Though the magic will wear off by midnight. So she’ll only have her glass slippers left. Or one glass slipper left since she left the other at the ball.

65. Queen Elsa knows how to stage a freeze.

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Here she’s in her Frozen II outfit. Seems more at home with herself than in the last movie where she doomed her kingdom to eternal winter.

66. Someone can use another tissue.

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This is a get well bear in pajamas. Then again, he’s got a hanky so he’s good. So cute.

67. You’ll be fine against this Stormtrooper bear.

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Because while Stormtroopers may shoot up a place, they usually don’t hit anything. Though they can be dangerous.

68. Harley Quinn is no laughing matter.

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Yet, for God’s sake, don’t romanticize her relationship with the Joker. Because he’s a raging psychopath who’s very abusive to her.

69. No one can resist this Ewok bear.

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Ewoks are pretty much teddy bears to begin with. But they will try to eat you and kick your ass.

70. Rapunzel gets all Tangled.

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Her bear’s purple with long blond hair. But not long enough to hang from a tower to use as a ladder. That wouldn’t be safe for kids.

71. It’s a tale as old as time.

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These are Beauty and the Beast bear set. Come with a rose. So adorable.

72. Ariel comes from under the sea.

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She’s basically a teenager who sold her voice for some plastic surgery. And from a shady sea witch no less.

73. This Irish lass can dance.

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For she’s an Irish river dancer. Even has her dancing shoes on.

74. Greetings from Hawaii.

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She wears a hula skirt, a flower lei, and a coconut bra. Hope se doesn’t dance when the volcano blows.

75. No one can stop Captain Marvel.

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Here she springs into action. Know that she’s about as powerful as Superman.

76. “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free….”

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She wears the green garb of Lady Liberty. Unfortunately, her words are being undermined by Donald Trump’s anti-immigration policies and family separations.

77. Gotham’s Dark Knight lingers in the shadows.

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This bear wears a mask and cape. And he’ll beat the hell out of villains from Arkham Asylum.

78. Thanos Bear wants to wipe half of the universe.

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Already he’s got his Infinity gauntlet on. Uh-oh. Don’t have a good feeling about this.

79. Girl Scout bears always bring in the cookies.

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Here they wear outfits denoting ranks. But please pay for the cookies or they will end you.

80. “Shitter’s full.”

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He’s supposed to be a Cousin Eddie bear. Still, don’t all bears shit in the woods?

 

 

Fall in Love with These Valentine’s Day Craft Projects (Fifth Edition)

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Now that February has come upon us, let’s get into some Valentine’s Day crafts. Of course, you can see I went with the a school room design instead of someone’s living room. Well, it helps to try something different once in a while. Nonetheless, classrooms are often places you see V-Day crafts though most of these are made of paper. Of course, unless they’re rather impressive school craft projects, I usually don’t touch upon them. Since most of them I usually list are made from adults. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of lovely Valentine’s Day crafts.

  1. You can spell love on this heart.
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This is a wooden heart made from 2 pieces. The “LOVE” squares are Scrabble tiles and they’re not worth much.

2. Perhaps you might send a valentine with a decomesh wreath.

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This one his heart-shaped. Says, “Happy Valentine’s Day” in the center.

3. A Valentine’s Day wreath can use a few hearts.

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This one has plenty of red hearts. Still, I love the fancy white ribbon around it.

4. You might prefer a wreath with cloth hearts.

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Well, the hearts are in the pattern. Nonetheless, you have to love the felt flowers.

5. You can’t hang too many hearts on a wall.

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There’s a checked heart, a red heart, and 2 gold hearts. All with fancy ribbon decorations. So pretty.

6. Light up your home with a Valentine’s Day glass block light.

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This one has hearts and foil inside. Has a bow of red heart ribbon on top.

7. Touch your look with a few roses.

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This is a hairband. The red, pink, and white roses are made of felt.

8. So many blue hearts can make a big impression.

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The large heart is made of a bunch of blue hearts. While a medium red heart inside carries the message.

9. A heart wreath can use a few roses.

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This one has some pink and white roses. Also, you can see a golden arrow shot through it.

10. You don’t know what’s kept in this book.

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Since it’s fastened. Then again, this just might be a decoration you can set on your fireplace mantle.

11. A Valentine’s Day paper wrapper wreath is always suited for a window pane.

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This one has polka dots on the red and white on the wrappers. And the window pane isn’t attached to anything.

12. Perhaps you’d like a simple heart suncatcher.

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This one has a plastic bead string. While the crystal heart shines like the sun. Whenever the sun shines through it.

13. A Valentine’s Day ribbon wreath might suit you.

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This one also has ribbon flowers. While the ribbons covering the wreath all have hearts.

14. A Valentine heart can always use a few flowers.

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This one is a cushion with some felt flowers. Like the bead and red lace trim.

15. A heart of roses should always have a frame.

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Well, the roses are probably made of paper. But the frame is quite fancy.

16. Care for a Valentine’s Day heart necklace?

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The heart is made out of metal with gold wires containing pearls and jewel beads. So pretty.

17. You can use a few hearts on the wall.

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These consists of cloth hearts and felt roses glued on the samplers. Great for any home on V-Day.

18. Feel free to make a wreath of pink clothespins.

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Of course, you might have to paint the clothespins pin first. Though you have to admire the hearts, roses, and bow.

19. Count down to Valentine’s Day with this heart calendar.

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Though I can totally wait for Valentine’s Day. But this advent calendar is quite cute.

20. Anyone would fall in love with this button heart.

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And yes, it’s in a frame. Funny how all the red buttons are the same size and color.

21. How about a wreath of paper hearts?

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This one has hearts made of construction paper. While each heart has gold edging.

22. Grace your V-Day door with this pink bauble wreath.

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This one has baubles of different sizes. Like he pink butterflies. So pretty.

23. Don’t like wreaths? Show your love with this cork heart.

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Well, the corks of all different sizes. Says “Love” in red and white pipe cleaners.

24. Show your love on V-Day with these love blocks.

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Each of these is in a whimsical shape and pattern. While the “O” is a heart.

25. Serve your guests wine from this glitter bottle.

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Yes, this bottle is covered with glitter. And yes, the wine is still in it. Not sure why.

26. Show your love with this berry wreath.

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The berries are fake. The wooden letters say “Love”. Like the flower near the top best.

27. Step out on V-Day with this charm bracelet.

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This one has a some heart charms. Like the clastic crystal jewels.

28. Grace your door with this burlap heart wreath.

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Has a large burlap bow on it, too. A simple design for any rustic setting.

29. You’ll find plenty of hearts in this envelope.

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This one has a few hearts in different patterns. Includes berry branches as well.

30. Perhaps a heart stick wreath might suit you.

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Includes 3 hearts with woven basket patterns. Also consists of a large red bow.

31. A candle can use a few hearts.

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The hearts are pink with wires linking with each other. Hope they don’t burn up.

32. You can use a few hearts on a tulle wreath.

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Each of the tulle pieces are tied on the wreath. While the 3 hearts glitter.

33. Don’t like these? You might like this wall hanging.

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This one has a lot of ribbons. “Love” consists of black wires. Includes a glittery red heart.

34. Care for a heart of paper roses?

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The roses are of different sizes and colors. And all on a gray background.

35. Here we find love all framed.

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Well, each individual letter is framed. And all hanging on a ribbon to a window.

36. A heart can consist of a variety of buttons.

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These are all in different sizes and colors. And they’re all sewn on a plain pillow.

37. Greet your V-Day guests with this flowery yarn wreath.

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The flowers are made from felt. Like the colors on the wreath though.

38. A V-Day wreath should always consist of red roses.

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And they’re all arranged in a heart. I’m sure the roses are made from silk. So pretty.

39. You’ll get plenty of hugs and kisses from this ribbon wreath.

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The top consists of glitter hearts. The bottom consists of glitter “XOXO.”

40. Don’t like wreaths? Go with this wall hanging of hearts.

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Consists of 2 checked hearts. While plenty of small red hearts add some emphasis. Like the bow.

41. Grace your V-Day door with this fancy ribbon wreath.

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The ribbons mostly consists of bows. While it’s touched with a hollow red glitter heart.

42. Grace your V-Day table with this glittery basket.

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Has some paper bag strips inside. Like the glitter heart. So pretty.

43. Doily hearts always belong in a frame.

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Of course, they’re made of paper. Though I love the background and purple frame.

44. You might want some tree branches in a heart basket.

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Well, the basket has a wooden heart over it. While the basket has branches and berries inside.

45. Don’t like wreaths? Go with a simple glass panel and a heart.

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The heart is made out of yarn. While the panel and heart are held by a white bow.

46. You can always show love with flowers.

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The Letters are made from wood. While the “O” is a heart containing pink roses.

47. You can have love in a purple heart frame.

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Well, it says “LOVE” in a purple heart frame. Like the crown and pink roses. So pretty.

48. Declare your love on this Valentine’s Day with flowers.

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Well, the flowers are all in vases. 4 of them spell out “LOVE” in black letters.

49. A rustic wreath will suit you this Valentine’s Day.

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This one consists of gourds and berries. While a black heart sign says “Love” in the center.

50. A heart tulle wreath can really make an impression.

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You can see it consists of red, pink, and white pieces. Also includes ribbons and hearts.

51. Show love this Valentine’s Day with this wooden panel.

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This red panel says “LOVE” in white letters. The “O” consists of a heart with an arrow shot through it.

52. A burlap “Love” wreath is all you need.

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It’s in the shape of a heart, too. Great for rustic settings. So pretty.

53. A fancy heart can always use some flowers.

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Well, this one is in a fancy white frame and grapevine wreath Like the roses and bow. So lovely.

54. A V-Day wreath should always have a touch of gold.

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This one has gold baubles and ribbons. Also includes 2 hearts near the bottom.

55. A large V-Day heart can be quite festive.

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This one has bows and a large heart with pink spots. Also consists of bows and other festive trimmings.

56. Care for a heart rag wreath?

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This one has red, white, and pink strips all over a wire frame. Great for any rustic door. So pretty.

57. Put a ball of roses over a door frame.

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This are pink roses. Though I’m not sure I’d recommend you hang them on a door frame. It’s not mistletoe.

58. Show your love by saying it in blocks.

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Each is in pink, red, and white. And yes, they’ve got a bunch of popular V-Day sayings.

59. Don’t forget to put a flower on top of a gift box.

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This one is a paper with heart-patterned petals. Hell, the petals are even shaped like hearts.

60. Sweeten your Valentine’s Day with this sweetheart wreath.

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This one is wrapped with fibrous string with pearls. consists of white and pink roses and a banner spelling out “SWEET.”

61. A heart panel should always contain a few flowers.

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This one has some flowers painted. While some are made out cloth. Also decorated with pearls and lace.

62. How about a heart wreath made of roses?

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Well, the roses are hear are fake. Yet, they’re in all various shades of pink.

63. Nobody can resist these love bugs.

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These are made from styrofoam balls with black pipe cleaner antennae and appendages. Some are ladybugs and bees.

64. Got some striped straws? Make a display like this.

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The paper straws have red and white stripes. Some have pink. And they all radiate a single red heart.

65. How about a heart with lights.

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The lights are all set on a pink panel. Wonder how you turn it off or on. So lovely.

66. Perhaps you might prefer some laced hearts.

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These are in all different designs. A couple contain buttons, too. So lovely.

67. A Valentine’s Day wreath should always shine.

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This one seems like it’s straight from a party store. Has a heart in the center and a heart bow on top.

68. Feel free to use the key to this heart box.

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The heart box is silver with glitter on top. The key is tied with it using a red ribbon.

69. Care for a hanging heart cushion?

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This one has a heart of flowers printed in the center. Wonder how that’s possible.

70. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without these heart trees.

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Well, the hearts are paper and act like branches and leaves. One even has hearts and keys on them.

71. A stair bannister should always have a garland of hearts.

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Well, these have hearts hanging from it. Most of them are made from cloth. So pretty when it lights up.

72. A V-Day decomesh wreath like this will surely suit you fine.

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Has some heart decorations on the left side. Many in red and pink glitter.

73. Show your love with this panel.

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Says “LOVE” in black letters. “O” is a red heart with wire hearts inside.

74. How about a garden of conversation hearts?

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Well, the fence and hearts are made out of wood. Great for an elementary school classroom.

75. Might want to put some hearts on a clothes line.

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The hearts are made from felt. A simple craft project for almost anyone, including kids.

76. A shiny heart can always light.

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This heart is covered with gold and silver sequins And yes, the lights do shine bright.

77. You’ll find plenty of hearts in this jar.

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Well, the hearts are plush and on sticks. But will last longer on your table than a conventional bouquet.

78. A heart wreath of crocheted roses must delight.

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Most of these are in red and pink. Perfect to hang over a window. So pretty.

79. Care for a wreath of roses?

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Most of the roses on this wreath are felt. And they’re all in shades of red, pink, and white. So pretty.

80. A white rose wreath has some added simplicity.

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This one is in a heart shape and is a grapevine. Also matches the door behind it.

81. Grace your V-Day door with a wreath of pom poms.

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It’s heart-shaped with pom poms in shades of pink and purple. You can even see a bit of how these are made.

82. Make this V-Day festive with a pink tulle wreath.

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There’s leopard print flowers on top. While a fancy designed heart sits at the bottom.

83. A white decomesh heart wreath might suit you.

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Has some decorations on the left side. Features, red hearts, pink flowers, and bow with hearts.

84. A cupcake liner wreath will always impress.

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This one has a flower on the bottom. It’s made out of cupcake liners and felt. So pretty.

85. Impress your sweetheart with this large rose heart.

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Okay the flowers are fake. While a gold arrow shoots through it. Yet, it’s in 2 shades of pink.

86. 2 hearts always beat as one.

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This one has roses aside of 2 glitter hollow hearts. Makes a great centerpiece.

87. If you like sewing, you’ll love this wall hanging.

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Since it consists of pink sewing stuff. Though you’ll find pink flowers in the center.

88. Give hugs and kisses with these panels.

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These consists of wooden X’s and O’s. The O’s are hearts and are wrapped with cloth.

89. A small tree can use some hearts.

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This one has plenty of heart ornaments in felt. And yes, there’s a large red heart on top. So pretty.

90. Care for a striped wooden heart?

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This one is white with pink stripes. Also contains a burlap bow.

91. Adorn yourself with some small crocheted flowers.

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These are red, pink, and purple roses. And I’m not sure if they’re used as a hairclip or pin.

92. This heart is quite stringy.

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Since it’s made from string on a red board. And yes, there’s a heart in the center.

93. A berry wreath might suit you fine.

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Okay, the berries are fake. Though I love the burlap bow with the heart.

94. A pink decomesh V-Day wreath will always suit you nicely.

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This one has silver and pink decorations. Like the silver heart near the top.

95. How about a V-Day wreath with all the trimmings?

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This one has a sign that says, “LOVE.” Also consists of flowers and hearts.

96. Keep your little one warm with these V-Day leg warmers.

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These are made from sleeves. As you can see, they also depict hearts.

97. You can play tic-tac-toe on this pillow.

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The X’s and hearts are made from felt. Perfect for keeping the kids busy.

98. Ever wonder what’s in this box?

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Well, it’s a V-Day box with a digital lock. So you can’t easily open it.

99. You might sleep well with this dreamcatcher.

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This one is purple with a heart. Even has hearts near the feathers. So pretty.

100. Bring in the festivity with this shiny heart bauble wreath.

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This one has some shiny stuff on the left. While the baubles cluster together on e right. So pretty. Love it.

Be Mine With These Valentine’s Day Treats (Sixth Edition)

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Now we come to the V-Day treats. Whether for a romantic dinner, party, or school, you’ll find plenty of heart shaped, red, or pink foods if you try to do a Google Image search. Of course, you can find heart-shaped candies at the store. Yet, that would take all the fun out of it. Over the years I’ve done these treat posts, I’ve seen plenty of hearty foods to impress one’s love. Mainly cakes, cookies, and other dessert platter goodies. But I’ve also seen other stuff as well. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of Valentine’s Day treats. Enjoy.

  1. You’ll find plenty of roses on these cookies.
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These have pink, red, and yellow roses that are so small you need a professional to make them in icing. But they do look nice on a platter.

2. You’ll find a heart on these square cookies.

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Not sure what the hearts are made of or if they’re even edible. But I love the intricate designs on the square cookies.

3. Wake up this V-Day with strawberries and cream donuts.

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These are heart-shaped donuts with strawberry icing. Great for any V-Day breakfast that’s hard on the arteries.

4. Hope you can dig in a peanut butter heart.

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These are covered with chocolate. Though you might have to eat it with a fork.

5. You’ll find berries in these V-Day sandwiches.

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I guess these are for dessert since they contain raspberries and cream cheese. Not sure what the hearts are made of.

6. You’ll find a lot of hugs and kisses on these macarons.

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The X’s and O’s are in gold. Great for any V-Day dessert platter.

7. These square V-Day cookies will warm your heart.

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Some contain hearts. Some don’t have them at all. But all must be professionally made as I can see it.

8. Show your love with this heart shaped blueberry cake.

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This one is in a heart shaped pan with a hole inside. Great for any V-Day dessert platter.

9. Kids would adore these Cheerios heart-shaped bars.

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They even contain V-Day M&Ms for color and flavor. Great for serving to school kids.

10. Pretzel hearts make a fine Valentine’s Day treat.

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These are all covered with chocolate and pink sprinkles on one side. Why that is, I have no idea.

11. Nobody can resist these cookie sandwiches.

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These have some jelly in between them. Also have heart-shaped chocolates on top.

12. You’ll find this cake all covered with hearts.

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The hearts are pink. While the edges are decked with small pink flowers. Not sure of the shiny pears are edible though.

13. You can decorate a red heart cookie in many different ways.

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You can see the the different designs like dots and sprinkles. Like the one with roses the best.

14. How about a V-Day ravioli pasta dish?

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This one is a heart-shaped lasagna. And yes, you have to serve it in parts.

15. Care for some fancy gingerbread hearts?

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These are professionally made obviously. But you have to love the lovely designs on them. So pretty.

16. You’ll find hearts coming out of these red cookies.

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Well, the hearts are white. Not sure if they’re edible. Great for any dessert platter on Valentine’s Day.

17. How about some heart tarts on sticks?

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These have filling in them. And you can eat them without a fork. But still use a plate.

18. On Valentine’s Day, pink heart cookies are the best.

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These are even covered in chocolate icing. Yet, all have pink designs like dots, hearts, and XO’s.

19. Want to profess your love? Say it with cookies.

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These are chocolate chip cookies covered with icing. Decorated with sugar stuff you find at the store.

20. Make sure your cupcakes have plenty of hugs and kisses.

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Each one has an X or O in red M&Ms. The O’s are shaped like hearts.

21. Nothing makes your V-Day like these cupcakes.

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Well, these are professionally made. But they’re decorated in many different ways.

22. You got to love these heart cookie sandwiches.

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Well, they have pink icing filling. While cookies have holes in them to make them seem like they’re professionally made.

23. Want some fruity yogurt bars?

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These are pink with hearts on them. Seem to be made from big Reese’s cup molds for some reason.

24. Want a large chocolate heart?

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Well, it’s mostly a white chocolate heart. Yet, it’s in a pot of V-Day M&Ms.

25. Grace your V-Day dessert platter with these cupcakes.

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Each of these has a red candy heart on top. Can have pink or white icing.

26. Heart muffins are great for your V-Day breakfast.

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These even have sprinkles on them. So they can appeal to the kids.

27. Rose cupcakes should always be in a heart.

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These are in reddish pink. One has a white heart on them. So pretty.

28. Perhaps you might want a chocolate cake with a powdered heart.

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I’m sure the white heart is made out of sugar. Makes a great feature on your V-Day dessert platter.

29. Care for some chocolate hearts?

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These are decorated with white or pink icing and chocolate drizzle. Some also have sprinkles.

30. Care for some hearty blueberry pie?

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This one has hearts on the crust that are on top of each other. Wonder how you can cut this. in equal slices.

31. You’ll find a heart inside these heart-shaped tarts.

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These have jelly inside. And yes, you have to put two of the hearts together.

32. How about some chocolate chip heart?

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This one is covered in chocolate icing. Great for any V-Day dessert platter.

33. Wake up to some V-Day pancakes.

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These have pink icing and raspberries on them. And yes, they’re chocolate with one on top of the other.

34. Care for a heart tart?

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This one has a heart made from strawberries and raspberries. And all on top of white icing.

35. These little cheese ball monsters just want your love.

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Well, they’re different from the other monsters I showed in a previous post because they have antennae of pasta. While the hearts on top are sprinkles. So cute.

36. Get a load of some pink heart Rice Krispie treats.

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They’re in a variety of shades and sizes. Some even have sprinkles on them.

37. Nothing makes V-Day like these strawberry ice cream sandwiches.

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Each of them has ice cream between 2 cookies. Decorated with Valentine’s Day sugar hearts.

38. You can decorate pink chocolate heart however you’d like.

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One has sprinkles. One has chocolate chip candies. One has both. And all on sticks.

39. You got to love a cupcake with a marshmallow heart.

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These have chocolate icing as well. While the marshmallow hearts are probably pink.

40. Nothing makes a V-Day party like jello hearts.

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And they’re all in cupcake wrappers. Make sure to ask your host if they contain alcohol before any kids get a hold of them.

41. These V-Day Oreos are an utter delight.

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These have chocolate icing and edible V-Day decorations. Some have hearts. Some have flowers.

42. These heart owl cookies are major hoot.

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These have candy eyes and noses. The eyes kind of resemble flowers. So adorable.

43. You can dip these breadstick hearts in some tomato sauce.

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Okay, these aren’t technically breadsticks since they’re heart-shaped. But they’re made from the same stuff as breadsticks.

44. Feast your eyes on these heart-shaped hand pies.

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Not sure what’s inside them. But they certainly don’t look like the pies you eat for dessert.

45. Munch on these heart sandwiches for your V-Day lunch.

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One of them has a window inside. Then again, these might be for dessert. Because I’m not sure if that’s lunch meat or icing.

46. How about a large strawberry heart?

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Well, it’s a heart cake decked with strawberries. But the icing appears to resemble whipped cream.

47. Nothing says love on Valentine’s Day like a couple of heart pizzas.

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One has hearts of pepperoni. The other says “Be Mine” in olives.

48. Perhaps you’d like these fancy heart cookies.

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Two of these have roses. One has an icing design to resemble lace. So pretty.

49. Some might prefer these V-Day ice cream cones.

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Okay, they’re actually ice cream cones with Rice Krispie treats on top. Draped with chocolate and a red candy piece on top.

50. It’s easy to give a kiss on a cupcake.

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I’m sure these lips are just candy that you need to unwrap. Yet, each of is covered with chocolate icing with heart candies.

51. Hope you enjoy these heart brownies.

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They’re also covered in V-Day sprinkles. Perfect for any V-Day dessert platter.

52. Help yourself to some of these Valentine heart cookies.

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These are covered in icing with some color mixed in. Laced with pink and blue icing.

53. Anyone could love these cupcakes.

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These are covered with candy cane icing. And yes, they spell out “LOVE.”

54. Speaking of cupcakes, you might want to celebrate V-Day with these.

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These are decked with a variety of images. Some have roses. Some have hearts. Some have both.

55. These Rice Krispie treats can start a conversation.

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They’re in several different colors with icing inscriptions. Yet. none will taste like anything resembling sugar chalk.

56. You’ll find an arrow in these heart brownies.

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Since Cupid shot through them. Still, the arrows aren’t edible. But they make a handy carrying stick.

57. Perhaps you might love a cake with strawberries.

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Well, this has strawberries all around it. The rest of it is decorated with sprinkles.

58. Care for a heart on a stick?

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These are sugar cookies covered with icing. While decorated with several kinds of sprinkles. Or not.

59. Want a pink fudge heart?

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Okay, they’re covered in sugar. Yet, I’m sure you’d love to take one of them. Or not.

60. You’ll fall in love with these cookies.

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These are covered in pink, yellow, and purple icing. Decorated with white drizzle and sprinkles.

61. You can never be too sweet with these heart cookies.

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These are covered with sugar. While each has a sugar heart in the center.

62. Anyone would love these chocolate heart cookies.

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Sure, they’re professionally made. But they’re nevertheless decorated with icing and in so many ways.

63. Have a slice of this heart pizza.

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Even has some pepperoni hearts. Not sure how to divide it in equal parts.

64. This Valentine’s Day, treat yourself to these love bug cupcakes.

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These are decked like ladybugs. Love the spots on their shells. Some even have hearts.

65. Care for a rose cupcake?

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These have roses on top of white icing. And even better, they’re chocolate.

66. Treat your guests this Valentine’s Day to an apple rose tart.

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These have apple slices shaped like roses. Not sure how big this is supposed to be.

67. Feel free to take one of these red velvet cookies.

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These have white chocolate hearts on them. Perfect for any V-Day dessert platter at any party.

68. Care for an ice cream sandwich?

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These are heart shape and have chocolate chip cookies with ice cream in between. Decorated with sprinkles.

69. These cookies will certainly start a conversation.

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These are covered with sayings and pastel icing. Bet they taste better than the real candies which are composed of sugar chalk.

70. Treat your guests to some hearty pizza.

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This seems like a more conventional pizza. And yes, it’s divided in slices.

71. You can’t go wrong with a sweetheart brownie.

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Well, it’s more of heart-shaped brownie sandwich. Has pink icing and sprinkles inside.

72. Entertain your V-Day guests with this red heart cake.

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This one has a white bow on it. Even has heart decoration on the white ribbon.

73. You’ll go to the dogs with these puppy love cookies.

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They’re heart shaped cookies meant to look like dogs. And yes, you’ll find them adorable.

74. Care to hold some love in a jar.

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Okay, these are cookies. But each is pink with hearts inside.

75. You’ll go bug-eyed with these cupcakes.

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2 of these have ladybugs. One has a bee. And yes, they’re made from candy.

76.  Nothing makes a romantic dinner like a couple of shrimp kabobs.

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This is a restaurant promotion. Yet, the shrimp are in hearts on sticks.

77. You’ll want to have one of these lovestruck pancakes.

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Yes, it’s in an emoji. But you have to admire the hearts in the eyes.

78. Care for a heart shaped sandwich?

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That’s the fanciest sandwich I’ve ever seen. Covered with red pepper bits. Flower is made from a hard-boiled egg.

79. Want to know your fortune?

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This is a pink fortune cookie covered with red heart. Not sure what it says inside.

80. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a wreath of lovebirds.

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The lovebirds are made from string cheese. And yes, they’re so adorable. Love it.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Seventh Edition)

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Now that we’re past Martin Luther King Day, we come to Valentine’s Day. Of course, this involves many people to exchange valentines. Kids give theirs to classmates. Adults give them to their sweethearts. Of course, you’ll find plenty of motifs on them like sentiments of heartfelt love, hearts, Cupid, and other images. Yet, there are some old valentines out there that defy explanation. Some that have cutesy images but suggestive puns. And those that surely wouldn’t fly nowadays. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of terrible vintage Valentines.

  1. “To My Valentine: I believe in freedom of the press.”
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Let’s hope he asked for consent first. Still, the guy seems rather excited to embrace his girlfriend. Guess he can’t wait to get it on.

2. “I ‘mascara’ lot for you…”

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Meaning she likes you so much that she’ll apply tons of makeup to look like Tammy Faye Bakker. Or something like that.

3. This seems like a real sausage fest.

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Yeah, I know there’s a suggestive pun behind this. Yet, the girl seems to like what she sees.

4. This couple gives a whole new meaning to “tossed salad.”

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“Tossed salad” is a slang term relating to sex. Also, the carrot is the guy, obviously.

5. Any girl would like a cat who could play piano.

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But apparently, she’s hiding in the spinet. Kind of screwed up if you ask me.

6. Speaking of cats, this one’s throwing herself toward this boy.

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Yes, I know this is screwed up. But given the cat’s a giant who can tear the boy to pieces, I’m not sure how he’ll be able to say no.

7. Want to get your man? Lure him with treats.

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Not sure if the boy’s looking at her or the food. Also, she’s wearing a rather short skirt. Wonder why.

8. This firefighter cat’s burning for you.

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Apparently, he’s also got a rather suggestive stare going on like he’s hungry for something. And it’s not food. While he’s holding the hose over his shoulder.

9. “The future would appear so fine, if you would be my Valentine!”

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Is the boy using a telescope to look at the stars or stalking his sweetheart? If the latter, what the hell’s the girl doing beside him? I’d really like to know that.

10. “I need something permanent – It might as well be you!”

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Okay, the message isn’t too bad. But considering we live in the 21st century, this hasn’t aged well. Sure she’s getting her hair done. But such contraption has been used for sinister purposes in a lot of science fiction more times than I can count.

11. “Who wouldn’t BLOW a guy like you, my valentine.”

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The word “blow” has several meanings. But in this context, it could either mean “kiss,” or a “blow job.” Wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the latter.

12. This wolf is only hungry for love.

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Yes, he’s certainly well-dressed. But despite that male wolves mate for life and make great dads in the wild, being seen as a “wolf” in human society, isn’t really a compliment.

13. “I get a BANG out of you, valentine. Please be mine.”

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Yes, the message is suggestive. But the bear lighting a firecracker isn’t really a smart idea either.

14. Don’t bat about love to this witch.

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Cause if you do, she will put a curse on you that you might not be able to shake off. Also, she could turn you into a toad or simply kill you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

15. This hotdog is frankly crazy about his valentine.

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And yes, I’m sure it’s a guy. Because, hotdogs are also known as “wieners.” Nothing to suggest here. Not.

16. Man, Cupid can be very nasty with people’s hearts.

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Since he’s got a heart cooking over a camp fire. Hope he doesn’t intend to eat it later. Oh, wait, he’s munching on it right now.

17. “You’re a good egg! Hope you’ll be my valentine!”

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Yes, these are egg people with limbs. And yes, it’s kind of disturbing if you ask me. Hope they don’t end up scrambled.

18. This apple loves her valentine to the core.

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Of course, being a core means he was once an apple who’s been considerably eaten. But she loves him anyway.

19. If this wolf won’t be your valentine, he’ll blow your house down.

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Of course, being a core means he was once an apple who’s been considerably eaten. But she loves him anyway.

20. Train engineer has eyes for a certain passenger.

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Note how the girl’s showing her legs while sitting on her suitcase. Still, guy needs to keep his eyes on the track at all times.

21. A foxy guy knows what kind of catch you’d be.

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He seems to be looking through the weeds. Nothing creepy about that. Oh, wait, that’s basically stalking.

22. The Big Bad Wolf wants to be Little Red Riding Hood’s valentine.

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So basically the wolf breaking in her grandma’s house, eating her and wearing her clothes was a bad way to handle rejection. Seriously, this valentine is so messed up.

23. “I’m fit to be tied so….be my Valentine!”

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For one, cowboys and Indians weren’t a thing. Also, this valentine seems to make light of Indian atrocities, which is pretty disturbing.

24. “You’re a good skate, Valentine.”

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Though I’m sure any love between these 2 might be strongly one-sided. Given the guy wants to get the hell out. While the girl is like “what gives?”

25. A black girl reads the cards.

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Okay, she’s depicted in a rather offensive racist stereotype. Yeah, not exactly one you’d send to a black person.

26. “You’re just my speed, BIG BOY, an’ I’m sure gonna hold on tight!”

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Girl’s giving a guy a rather suggestive look on that tricycle. Thus, giving the message a rather dirty double meaning.

27. “You’re the model for me. Be my Valentine.”

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This one seems to defy all sense of logic. The frames are hollow. While the painter has a paintbrush like he’s about to paint. How’s that possible?

28. “I aim to tame you, Valentine!”

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Granted, he’s a lion tamer. Yet, he’s got a whip with him. Either he’s using that to subdue his love or he’s into BDSM. Please let it be the latter.

29. “I’d like to haunt you, Valentine.”

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Though this seems less like you’d see in Ghost, and more like you’d see in Harry Potter when Moaning Myrtle shows up. But without the bathroom fixtures in the background.

30. This bear isn’t a bad skate, is he?

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Yet, note that the ice isn’t very sturdy since there’s a hole somewhere. Only a matter of time till the bear falls in.

31. “Warm the ‘COCKLES’ of my heart by being my valentine.”

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The worm seems to have a human face as a rooster towers over it. Not happy where this is heading.

32. “Let’s strike up a match, Valentine!”

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Keep in mind, they’ll probably burn to a crisp. Not to mention, all the other matches in the packet.

33. “To my Valentine, say Yes.”

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Cupid’s whispering in the woman’s ear. While the guy’s looking at the woman’s back and thinking, “Dat ass.” Though I’m sure she’s got her bustle on.

34. “My heart is like a time bomb…”

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Basically ready to burst at any minute. Man, you need to see a doctor. Or the bomb squad.

35. “I’m MUD about you, Valentine!”

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This one just has a flower over a smiling puddle of mud. Not sure how they conduct their relationship.

36. You’d have to have good luck with one’s valentine.

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Yet, getting hit on the head by a giant horseshoe, not so much. Seriously, you might want to see a doctor about that.

37. She’s so cute even the flies love her.

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To be fair, she’s holding toast spread with jelly. Still, you don’t want to attract flies in any capacity.

38. No one likes me. Well, I’ll just eat worms.

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How the hell is this a valentine? Also, who the hell eats worms? That’s disgusting.

39. One’s valentine is the light of their life.

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Here the cat has a pack of matches and a cigarette. Great way to be a good example to the kids. Not.

40. You’d think Bon Jovi received this valentine.

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This one has an arrow through a pillow. And yet, it looks as if it’s bleeding. What the hell?

41. “Picking on you to be my valentine.”

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That doesn’t seem to be a good message. Also, the monkey imagery doesn’t seem to help much. Since they fling feces at each other.

42. “I’ll slave for you, Valentine.”

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Sad how they make a guy willing to do all the chores as a pathetic loser. But to me, it’s an offer worth considering.

43. Lixie loves her candy sticks.

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Though I wonder if she likes something else. Given her suggestive grin at those sticks.

44. He’d like his valentine as a steady diet.

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I understand he wants her as his valentine. But the message can also be suggestive of cannibalism in another point of view.

45. He wants to cement his love.

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Yet, he comes with a mixer. Kind of driving the point too close to home. Seriously, we associate cement with Jimmy Hoffa and the mafia for God’s sake.

46. Don’t mind the jerk at the soda counter.

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The soda jerk guy kind of reminds me of a creepy doll in some horror movie. The girl seems like she’s not wanting his attention either.

47. We go together like leeks and fish.

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Kind of a rather odd pairing. But as long as they have a good relationship, who’s stopping them.

48. “To my Pin-Up Valentine.”

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This alien seems like he’s got some ill intent on his mind. Doesn’t help he’s got gold ears that resemble car horns.

49. Condiment vegetables always belong together.

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Take pickles and cucumbers. Though the pickle is the guy for obvious reasons we best not get into.

50. This cat always prefer girls with cute curls.

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Yeah, I know it seems rather strange. Nonetheless, the girl’s wearing a skimpy outfit and the cat seems to like what he sees. Or is it a dog?

Make a Wish and Blow Out the Candles with These Birthday Party Cakes (Sixth Edition)

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On January 13 this year I will turn 30 which makes me a bit on edge. On one hand, I get presents and have a special day all about me. On the other hand, I feel like I haven’t accomplished much as I should by this point in my life. Anyway, I decided to dedicate it the way I usually do with a bad birthday cake post featuring some really terrible disasters from Cake Wrecks. Now when you go to a bakery, you expect that everything is made to your specification. But since we have sites like Cake Wrecks, this doesn’t always go that way. Since the cake decorators aren’t going to be from some prestigious cake decorating academy. And some don’t even know how to follow directions. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of birthday cakes gone wrong.

  1.  There’s something wrong with the girl’s hand.
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Because the thumbs look quite different. Also, that doesn’t look like a 6-year-old girl to me for some reason.

2. When they draw a tooth, you draw a tooth.

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Don’t just write it in multi-colored icing. But did the cake decorator listen? No.

3. When you have a cupcake cake, put the phrases in different bubbles.

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Because if you write across, the saying may look like this. And let’s just say, it’s kind of off so to speak.

4. It’s supposed to say, “When you’re 64.”

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But instead it says, “un.” Yeah, that doesn’t make sense the least bit.

5. A clown cake is always great for a kid’s party.

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Okay, more appropriate for a kid’s Halloween party. Also, does that clown look dead to you? Seriously, it’s creepy.

6. Well, he got a big 2.

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Yet, it’s on top of some green icing. Nobody knows what it says to this day.

7. Yes, it’s someone’s birthday all right.

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Though I don’t know what the hell this figure’s doing on here. Is there a Sesame Street muppet I don’t know about?

8. Apparently, this family doesn’t make gender an issue.

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Okay, we know Jeff is a boy. The icing is in blue. Also, Jeff is a boy’s name. Seriously, I have 2 uncles by that name.

9. Feel free to customize this birthday cake.

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Uh, isn’t that supposed to be the bakery’s job? Don’t they have a special design program for that? Just asking because I know they put photos on cakes somehow.

10. No girl is ever too old to be a Disney princess.

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But 70 is kind of pushing it. Then again, it her birthday. She can have any cake she wants. If she wants Cinderella, fine.

11. Happy Birthday to a special boy.

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That basically all it says. Because we don’t really know the guy’s name.

12. Hope you enjoy your Birthcay, whoever you are.

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Yeah, “Birthday” is mispelled. Despite that spelling it isn’t that hard. Wonder why that is.

13. Apparently, bakeries don’t have spell check.

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“Birthday” is definitely spelled wrong. Yet, what is that name below? Kathy W or Natty W?

14. How do you say “Happy Birthday” in 3 languages?

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And apparently, this bakery doesn’t know any but English. Though they wrote the instructions.

15. Everyone seems to like bees nowadays.

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Oh my God, what the hell is that thing? Seriously, that looks more like a demon with bee stripes? And no, I’m not calling it Sting.

16. Mickey Mouse is always good for a baby’s first birthday cake.

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But this Mickey seems rather skeevy for some reason. Seriously, I don’t like the look in his eyes like he’s out for trouble.

17. Does this cake decorator have any idea about spacing?

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Seriously, the words are all together. Also, who the hell named their kid Prudy in the 1980s and 1990s?

18. Kung Fu Panda fans might enjoy this Po cake.

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Though this one doesn’t look anywhere near finished. Or part of the design ripped off. Either way, looks rather sad.

19. Perhaps anyone would like this 40th birthday cake.

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Make sure the words are in purple icing. As the cake says here.

20. Make sure you have “Happy Birthday” on both of these.

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Well, they delivered. But someone took the instructors way too literally.

21. Someone wanted a 1960’s hippie party theme.

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And what better than to have it on generic fruit cake. No tie dye, peace signs, or psychedelic patterns whatsoever.

22. Guess this is Zack’s “Birday.”

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Yes, “Birthday” is mispelled again. Not sure why this keeps happening. Seriously, all bakeries should have spell-check.

23. Put on the “Happy Birthday Victory Song.”

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Apparently, this cake decoraor doesn’t know it. Despite the fact I’ve heard it my whole life. Also “Birthday” is misspelled.

24. Hope Kelley enjoys this cake.

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Okay it’s supposed to be Kelli? And I don’t think it’s supposed to include an eye. Yeah, someone messed up here.

25. A plain grass cake will always do.

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Then again, this seems more like an abandoned pavement theme. Why anyone would want that, I don’t know.

26. Happy Birthday to one red hot mama.

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Okay, you don’t use the “th” when doing 21. Also, being a mom at 21 isn’t a thing to aspire to, no matter how sexy. God, this is disturbing.

27. I guess someone wanted a maritime themed cake.

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Instead, Mark got a garden carrot cake. Hope he doesn’t throw a tantrum. But at least the sea is written in.

28. A dino cake is perfect for a 1-year-old boy.

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But dino apocalypse cake, not so much. Seriously, these dinos can go extinct at any moment. The foliage already has died.

29. Someone’s turning 30.

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Yet, the 3 is on backwards. How is that possible? Seriously, does someone not know how numbers are written?

30. This ghosts wishes you a scary happy birthday.

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What’s that ghost holding? Is that shit? Is the ghost covered in shit? God, that’s disgusting.

31. Leshia wanted a Frozen cake.

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Okay, this cake was written sideways. So instead of a winter scene with a tree, it’s basically a winter scene revolving on a shit puddle. Given how the branches seem to resemble the stench.

32. You might like this Cars 1st birthday cake.

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But this one has too many car rings. Seriously, you can space them out more.

33. Is this supposed to be a boob cake?

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For one, the decorated doesn’t know how to draw a bra as you can see? Also, this is a very inappropriate cake for a 10-year-old girl.

34. Your Irish mom deserves a shamrock cake.

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And I don’t think this is a shamrock. Seriously, what the hell is that?

35. Don’t forget to add a clown hat.

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As this cake specifies. But the words in parentheses make that very clear.

36. Make sure you have the letters in the right color.

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Yes, it’s supposed to say, “Happy Birthday Tristan.” But in yellow. It’s written in black icing.

37. Some people might prefer a duck cake.

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And yes, the inscription is in purple icing. And yes, it’s as instructed.

38. Seems like Steven’s turning 4.

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But you wouldn’t know it from how is name’s spelled. Let’s hope he doesn’t know how to read. Oh wait, he might.

39. Perhaps a Barney cake could cheer you up.

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Okay, that doesn’t look like Barney. Just a giant purple lizard, which may not be a bad thing.

40. Golden Girls fans might enjoy this cake.

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Who the hell are these ladies? Because they sure as hell don’t look like Golden Girls. Seriously, what the hell?

41. Apparently, someone doesn’t know how to draw a playing card.

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To be fair, they asked for a King of Hearts card as it’s written. But that’s not what they got.

42. Don’t put candles on this cake.

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But did they really have to write it on there. Seriously, kind of creates an awkward situation with the customer.

43. “40 Begians forever getting.”

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Not sure what that means. Because it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

44. Teen girls back in the 2000’s would love a Twilight cake.

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Uh, Twilight’s not anime. Seriously, I don’t care for Twilight and even I know this.

45. Got to have a nice cake for one’s “Bathday.”

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Yes, that’s another misspelling of “Birthday.” Because bath days aren’t really that special for a cake.

46. Any little kid would adore a cake of Cookie Monster.

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Okay, this one is freaky. Seriously, that looks nothing like Cookie Monster. More like Grover with rabies.

47. A-Rod’s cookie cake is a pizza.

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Not that A-Rod. Still, a pepperoni pizza it does not resemble in the least. The red icing bits aren’t flat circles.

48. A lot of kids love a Minecraft cake.

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Not that A-Rod. Still, a pepperoni pizza it does not resemble in the least. The red icing bits aren’t flat circles.

49. A girl hunter might prefer a pink camo cake.

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Seems like someone didn’t know how to put them together. Hope my neighbors’ granddaughter never gets one like this.

50. You can see how many little girls want an Elsa birthday cake.

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Though I really don’t care for hat hair. Seriously, Elsa’s hair looks like it’s made from Cool-Whip. Doesn’t look good.

51. After 60, it all goes downhill.

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Yes, someone wrote that inscription while that cake’s upside down. So that’s why the balloons look like that.

52. A minion cake on the beach might be great for a kid’s party.

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Still, the beach the seems to have a rather phallic disposition. Hope the parents can get a laugh out of that.

53. A first birthday cake should always be simple.

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Yet, the balloons apparently resemble sperm. Sure it’s for a boy, but it’s pretty inappropriate.

54. Apparently, placement is the key.

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Okay, maybe not. But the cake can use some spell check. Also, it’s in pink icing.

55. Seems like you can find a birthday cake of Jabba the Hutt.

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Uh, Jabba doesn’t look like that. He’s much more disgusting. Also, can we rather have a cake where Leia strangles him with a chain? Since that’s far more satisfying.

56. Kids might enjoy a cake of SpongeBob SquarePants.

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What are those white cactus creatures doing here? Are they ghosts? Is SpongeBob’s ocean haunted? Oh, wait, this used to be a Halloween cake.

57. I guess this kid gets beat up in school all the time.

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I’m sure the kid’s name is Peter. But I hope this cake wasn’t for a kiddie party. Because he’ll never live it down.

58. I wonder who Sticks is.

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I’m they wanted “Happy Birthday” sticks on the cupcakes. But they got this instead for some reason.

59. All right, who’s Jocklyn?

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I’m sure it’s supposed to be “Jocelyn” or “Jacklyn.” Apparently, this decorator didn’t know which name to use. So we get this.

60. Always wish the birthday girl happiness.

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Yet, this one says, “Ha’ penis.” Let’s hope she’s not a lesbian for obvious reasons.

61. Kerri wanted a Mercedes cake.

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Well, this doesn’t resemble the logo. More like an unfinished peace sign. Yeah, you have to have the slices be all equal and in silver.

62. Hello Kitty is always a popular choice.

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But this more or less resembles a melted snowman with spray paint. Not the Japanese cartoon icon.

63. Donald thinks dragons are cool.

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This dragon looks pretty lame since it doesn’t dazzle with ferocity. More like a snake with spikes.

64. Of course, people can sometimes forget your birthday.

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Guess this is a workplace. Still, did anyone have to rub it in their face that nobody cared about their birthday? Seems kind of mean-spirited.

65. Kind of a frilly birthday cake for a guy named Bob.

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Actually, it’s supposed to say, “Mom.” Yeah, someone really screwed up here.

66. So how old is Dad supposed to be?

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Because I don’t think he’s 10. Unless the people buying this cake are his pets or toys. Seriously, why?

67. Ranger Bud Yee Haw has a thing for flowers.

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Actually that’s a leftover Easter cake made into a birthday one. But the inscription is kind of hilarious. Also, this was supposed to be cowboy-themed.

68. Got to know where to put the words.

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You can see words, “On the top” and “Below.” Kind of ruins the effect, doesn’t it?

69. This Flash themed cake is rather minimalistic.

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This one has a lightning bolt slicing the name Connor. Nothing else.

70. Perhaps a young girl would like a butterfly cake.

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Okay, the butterfly body resembles a turd. Let’s hope the little birthday girl doesn’t notice.

71. Nothing like a cake celebrating your legal eligibility.

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Actually the age of consent is 18. Still, this kind of gives a rather disturbing vibe. Seriously, what the fuck?

72. Arthur wanted a Mercedes Benz cake for his birthday.

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Now this is the kind of 60’s hippie party cake I’m talking about. Okay, the logos don’t quite look like peace signs. Yet, it’s probably not what this guy wanted.

73. Someone wanted a My Little Pony cake.

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And they didn’t get what they wanted. Since this cake just says, “My Little Pony.”

74. How about a birthday cake text exchange?

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Seriously, is this really necessary? What if it says anything embarrassing?

75. Any boy would love an Avengers birthday cake.

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What are Iron Man and Captain America doing with Jes- wait, that’s supposed to be Thor? Still, it looks like something a kid would draw.

76. How about a Batman cake?

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This one features a sad Batman with a weight problem. His hands are unusually large for his arms as well.

77. Best birthday wishes to Alex.

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Not sure what this is supposed to be. But it resembles a turd floating in the ocean.

78. Any girl would enjoy a unicorn cake.

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Yes, one with a long, stiff, and erect horn. Okay, the horn just seems rather phallic for some reason. Like it can double as a dildo.

79. Curt is 8 by the way.

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However, this one doesn’t necessarily say “Curt.” I’m sure the kid will have a lot of questions on that special C-word that’s an insulting slang term for female genitalia.

80. Everyone must love a Star Wars cake.

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Okay, this message isn’t really seem appropriate to a Star Wars fan. Also, the kid’s supposed to be 6. Why?

Letter to Democratic Lawmakers and Candidates

Dear Democratic National Committee, Current US Senators and Representatives along with congressional Candidates, and Presidential Primary Contenders:

I am a 29-year-old woman living in a rural enclave in the Greater Pittsburgh metropolitan area. Though I occasionally work a temp job now and then, I’ve spent most of my time since my college graduation unemployed yet out of the jobs I have, I’ve never managed to make enough money to support myself. I have a blog, write articles for a magazine for adults on the autism spectrum, and whatever novel or screenplay I’m currently writing. Despite that I’ve made some money off it, it’s not enough to leave my parents’ house and set off on my own in an area with mass transit. Yet, thanks to my Medicaid coverage, my parents’ generosity, and the good health God has given me, I can pursue my writing, save my money, and not have to constantly worry when and where my next paycheck will be.

But I know that life can’t last forever. My parents will die someday. I could get deathly ill or hit by a bus. And eventually I’ll have to move out and get a job that sustains my means. Yet, regardless what happens, I want to keep my reliable Medicaid coverage regardless of how much money I make. But under our shitty for-profit system, I worry about having to switch to private employer coverage which isn’t as good and possibly coming down with a serious or grievous injury and having my life financially ruined by medical debt. I don’t want any of that to happen to me. And I don’t think it should in America. For I only wish to lead my life on my own terms. And I want my healthcare to be the same way. So I am doing everything in my power to make sure Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell, and the Republicans are voted out of power in 2020. And the fact Trump’s predicted to win reelection just terrifies me to my core that I write to you in desperation so this nightmare scenario won’t happen.

My fellow millennials and I are becoming increasingly unable to support ourselves because while our wages remain stagnant while everything gets significantly more expensive. This especially goes with healthcare. Many of us also find ourselves stuck in low income jobs that leave little room for advancement, unpredictable hours, and little agency over our lives. Some will remain in these shit jobs for the rest of their lives. And as an autistic woman who lives in rural Pennsylvania and doesn’t drive, I face multiple barriers finding any opportunities that suit my preference and provide any decent standard of living as well as ample time for me to write, which I’d rather do full-time anyway. Furthermore, when Obamacare repeal was on the table in 2017, I was constantly afraid of losing my Medicaid coverage and that fear hasn’t really gone away. Since Republicans keep challenging the Affordable Care Act with a new lawsuit aimed at stripping the whole law because the 2018 tax law cut out the individual mandate.

For my generation, the 2020 election isn’t just a fight for this nation’s soul but also a fight for our lives and our future. While you may have concerns of Medicare for All or any other healthcare plan, it can blow up the national deficit and still be a drop in the bucket compared to what Americans had to pay under the current system. For trillions of dollars under a Medicare for All plan is nothing compared to a healthcare system that’s cost us our homes, our jobs, our life savings, our hopes, our dreams, our ability to move up in society, our ability to do some basic tasks around the house, our freedom, our time, our careers, our children, our families, our marriages, our retirements, any possibility of financial stability, control of our own destinies, and for thousands of us, our lives. We can’t afford to pay that steep a price. Concerns for Medicare for All’s costs and how it’s paid for are perfectly legitimate, but it shouldn’t be the overwhelming reason why you don’t support it. For what matters more than Medicare for All’s costs are what our current for-profit healthcare system’s costing ordinary Americans as for-profit health insurance is increasingly becoming a scam product. Since even raising taxes to pay for such a system is nothing compared to how the parasitical for-profit healthcare industry’s drive for larger returns for their shareholders.

Therefore, I implore you that regardless who wins their primaries in the 2020 Election that come 2021, each Democratic candidate and current federal elected office holder will pledge that they’ll call for, sponsor, and support legislation guaranteeing all persons living in the United States access to healthcare as a fundamental legal and civil right. Thus, providing the legal framework that anyone in America is deserving of healthcare regardless of who they are, whether and what they do for a living, how much money they make, what health insurance they have, or whether their workplace provides any form of health benefits.

But given that Democrats have differing opinions on what “healthcare is a right” may mean, let me elaborate. While I strongly support Medicare for All, I understand that not all Democratic politicians may agree with me. But I know full well that though we may not share the same vision on healthcare policy, that despite our competing plans and ideas, we all believe that healthcare is a right and by that, we must at least mean the following under the current system:

All future healthcare policy decisions must put the American people’s interests first.

All private health insurance plans must cover at least 95% of all costs related to premiums, deductibles, co-pays, and out of pocket expenses. They all must offer the same coverage as state Medicaid programs, Obamacare exchanges, and Medicare or better. And they all must include dental and vision.

All employee health insurance plans must cost no more than 10% of a worker’s income in both premiums and deductible. And their costs can’t be raised by increasing the employees’ overall compensation.

Employers cannot change their employees’ health insurance coverage without their workers’ consent. That includes those with or without union representation. While most Americans have insurance through their employer, their bosses can change or drop their coverage without their input. This is not choice.

A single payer public option must be established and available to all. This can be Medicare for all, Medicaid, Medicare for all who want it, or something else. But it must offer the same coverage as state Medicaid programs, Obamacare exchanges, Medicare or better as well as include dental and vision. And must cover the costs of all uncompensated care at medical facilities. It must not have work requirements or require enrollees to take a drug test. Best paid for by a tax on capital gains, stock buybacks, and private equity investments. Since they’ve cost jobs and caused people to lose their healthcare, it’s only fair.

Medicare must be entirely single payer and cover at least 99% of all healthcare costs. And it must include dental and vision benefits.

Should the single payer public option be Medicaid, then the Medicaid expansion must be enacted in all states and US territories. (I know there was a Supreme Court ruling against this but I put people first. Not states.)

No health insurer can drop a patient’s coverage for any reason without their consent save for habitually not making payments without a legitimate excuse or criminal or fraudulent behavior.

Medicaid asset seizure must be banned.

All public and private health insurance plans must cover patients outside their region and state of residence. I once tried to get medication in Richmond, Virginia back in 2017 and neither pharmacy I went to accepted my coverage.

Surprise medical bills must be banned.

Open enrollment period for Obamacare exchange plans at Healthcare.gov must be extended to all year round. Furthermore, they must cost patients no more than 5% of their income in premiums and deductibles. Same goes for any private healthcare plan that’s on the individual market.

All hospital bills must amount to no more than $9,999 in overall out-of-pocket expenses to patients. That co-pays must not exceed $99. And that drugs and medical devices must cost patients no more than $999 out of pocket.

All privately insured patients must have access to medical debt protections, such as forgiveness. In other words, patients with outstanding medical debt must be protected from facing home foreclosure, eviction, arrest, lower credit scores, and loss of life savings. They may file for bankruptcy however.

Practices such as employee waiting periods, COBRA, Association Plans, high deductible plans, lifetime limits, preexisting condition exclusions, Medicare Advantage plans, and private supplemental health co-insurance must be banned.

Private insurance provider networks must be abolished. Thus, all private insurers must provide coverage to whoever the patient chooses.

Healthcare providers must accept all insurance plans. In other words, providers must not be able to discriminate which patient plans they accept and which they don’t.

Private equity firms must be banned from purchasing any form of property with a medical facility whether it be a hospital, medical center, medical practice, physical therapist, rehab center, or a pharmacy. So we won’t have an incident like what happened to Hahnemann.

Ban on stock buybacks for health insurers or any other public corporate entity affiliated in the medical industry.

No employer can terminate a worker for experiencing a life-threatening illness or injury of which they’re not directly responsible for.

Permit patients to sue their health insurer over unsustainable medical debt they cannot afford to pay as a civil rights violation.

Permit patients to sue their healthcare facilities and pharmaceutical and device companies for overcharging products and services as a civil rights violation.

A cap on health insurance executive compensation at $300,000, shareholder dividends at $500,000, and profits at $1 million per year.

All medical facilities must have price transparency so patients will know what they’re paying for when they seek healthcare services.

Healthcare executives must be criminally liable to a criminal felony for price gouging their products and services that should constitute at least a month in prison for abuse of power. Raising healthcare prices is an abuse of power that ruins people’s lives and should be dealt with accordingly.

What I list shouldn’t constitute as a plan per se but as a set of minimum criteria I’m willing to accept should a Medicare for All candidate not win the Democratic presidential nomination 2020. If it resembles such plan, then that’s because drafting a universal healthcare plan that’s not Medicare for All includes a ton of regulations. Nor does it follow any other economic philosophy other than that the healthcare industry must put the patient’s interests first in regard of paying for healthcare and that healthcare shouldn’t cost as much of a car to the average American family. The criteria list isn’t perfect nor will satisfy everyone. In fact, I don’t think it goes far enough. And many might not think these are achievable. But I list these points nonetheless because I think these are things all Democrats should agree upon regardless if they believe in Medicare for all, Medicare for all who want it, Obamacare Plus, or something else entirely. Even so, making healthcare a right should protect Americans’ access to medical care from Republican efforts to take down whatever system’s in place (though I’m not sure It’ll be able to hold off a court challenge).

While I may not have any healthcare industry experience beyond that as a patient and reading countless news horror stories, I am a 29-year-old female college graduate on the autism spectrum who knows that elections have consequences. And that should Donald Trump win reelection in 2020 as predicted, things will not get better. Rather, they will get much worse. Sure, Trump and the Republicans will promise to protect Americans’ healthcare from the scourge of liberal Socialism, but they have no intention to. And you can bet that should Trump and the Republicans sweep 2020, Obamacare repeal will be on the table again, healthcare prices will rise, less Americans will be able to get the medical care they need, and thousands more will die without it. If that happens, I will declare my healthcare a right and insist that society treat it that way, regardless of the policy on the matter. And I don’t care if I have to tear it all down. Because I’m tired of seeing my healthcare as something that can be taken away from me and as an American, I won’t tolerate that. After all, illness and injury don’t discriminate. Why should our healthcare system?

Yet, I also know that healthcare is an issue the Democrats can win on since it affects Americans’ lives and the fact Republicans have lost all credibility on the issue. Democratic politicians like US Representative Conor Lamb of Pennsylvania of whose special election to Congress I gladly participated in, Governor Andy Beshear of Kentucky, Virginia Governor Ralph Northam, and others wouldn’t have won their elections if they didn’t run on healthcare. The healthcare issue has also made Democrats more competitive in red districts, sometimes winning races no one thought possible. Though Democrats may not always have the same vision on healthcare, we can all agree that our current healthcare system isn’t providing affordable medical care for all Americans and that every American should be able to access healthcare without suffering some kind of financial catastrophe. And most of America agrees with that. To make healthcare a right will not only guarantee Americans some legal protection in regards to their medical treatment, it also sends a message that on healthcare policy, the federal government will put the American people’s interests over that of companies, hospitals, insurers, or any other entity. We can debate Medicare-for-All all we want during the primary season. But once the general election season kicks in, Republicans won’t care whether you support Medicare-for-All, Obamcare Plus, or any other plan meant to grant or improve healthcare coverage to millions of Americans.

Republicans may call what I believe and preach Socialism but I don’t give a damn. I have learned the lessons of Obamacare that while bipartisanism may be nice, we shouldn’t try to come to a compromise with them. This is especially the case if Republicans don’t intend to vote on the finished product and instead challenge it with lawsuits and repeal efforts, one of which would’ve become the law of the land if it wasn’t for the late US Senator John McCain. Besides, despite that Republican healthcare ideas only enjoy popularity in exclusive country clubs, corporate board rooms, and right-libertarian convention halls, they’re willing to instill them on Americans anyway. To ask a Republican to support measures ensuring healthcare access to all Americans will only end in a futile effort. Their idea that any form of universal healthcare is illegitimate and Un-American is extremely repugnant and revolting to me and I absolutely won’t stand for it. Hell, I could write to my congressman Guy Reschenthaler about making healthcare a legal and civil right but he’ll just leave my letter to him sitting unread in his inbox as he flees from concerned constituents requesting he just do his job and hold a townhall meeting once in a while. I’d be better off writing to Santa Claus. So I’d rather not waste my time and effort.

I don’t know what most Americans believe nor do I care. But I see my healthcare as a fundamental right which I intend to freely exercise as such and demand everyone else respect it whether society decides that or not. It’s up to you to decide as our representatives in government whether I end up in prison for insisting that society treat my healthcare on my terms should my Medicaid coverage be dropped for a more expensive but inferior plan. While many Americans may believe the same as I do on healthcare, what sets me apart is my headstrong nonconformity with aspects of our society that vehemently riles my bleeding Catholic heart. I am tired of being unable to change what we seemed to decide our healthcare system is as a society. Call me an entitled millennial brat all you want, but I will not spend this coming election season watching you grandstand your promises because I saw my dreams dashed before. And I will not let that happen again because I will have to live with next year’s election results, which for me can be a matter of life or death for all I know.

I can live with not getting my way in politics since as a progressive Catholic living in a red district, I’ve had to get used it. But I can’t live with not getting my way if it means having to put up 4 more years with people I don’t respect making decisions that could severely and adversely affect my life that I can’t do anything about. I no longer have patience for a parasitical for-profit corporate healthcare system run by profit-seeking shareholders and businessmen who’d screw cancer patients out of their life savings so they can buy their next superyacht. I can no longer put up with a fundamentally Un-American and oppressive healthcare system that wantonly discriminates against the poor. And I can no longer stand strangers who’d see me as a leeching freeloading Medicaid recipient mooching off the system despite that on some days, I work longer and harder than most folks.

Furthermore, if we want our country to remain a champion of liberty, equality, prosperity, and opportunity, Americans’ healthcare must be a right. If we want to honor the words and vision of the Founding Fathers to make sure all Americans have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, healthcare must be a right. If we want America to continue being a champion of human rights and live up to its democratic values and ideals, healthcare must be a right. If we want to make life affordable for most Americans and relieve our problems in society, healthcare must be a right. If we want to tackle the problems of the twenty-first century, healthcare must be a right. And if we want to keep the American dream alive, healthcare must be a right.

Merry Christmas from Our Family to Yours on Christmas Memories (Sixth Edition)

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This is me and my sister Molly in a Richmond restaurant during mid-December 2015. My parents and I were there for her graduation from VCU. Now she lives in Charlotte.

Christmas has always been a time for family and cherished memories. But unlike what you might see in the saccharine Hallmark movies that I try to avoid, life doesn’t always go that way. The big city career woman may go back to her hometown. But it’s very unlikely that she’ll meet a rugged man she’ll fall for, save a local Christmas tradition, and ditch her big city career and boyfriend for that guy. More likely, she’ll probably find people who never left her hometown hanging out at the local bar, some of them addicted to drugs, drinking like fishes, stuck in some low-income job, and/or dealing with some family dysfunction. The hunky guy she meets will probably be her ex she ditched for some good reason and he won’t be a hunk. There probably won’t be some Christmas tradition that needs saving. And she’ll definitely not ditch her whole life and move back to her hometown because women don’t do these things without much forethought. Or she’ll move back, settle down with the guy, and take a longer commute to work. Anyway for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of awkward family Christmas photos. Enjoy.

  1.  This year, these workers lay on top of each other.
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Indeed, they all smile in their Christmas glory. Though I don’t think you’d want to be the woman on the bottom.

2. Apparently, this dad doesn’t know how to hold his kid.

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For God’s sake man, don’t hold the baby that way. That just looks like you’re asking to be put on a sex offender list.

3. When everyone blinks at the camera at the same time.

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Then again, that might be part of the act. But it still seems pretty weird if you ask me.

4. Guess this Christmas dinner didn’t go well.

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Oh, there’s a hole in the wall. No wonder Christmas dinner sucked this year. The Griswolds these are not.

5. Someone’s obviously not going for the holiday cheer.

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Greta stood with her arms cross giving an eye of disapproval to her embarrassing parents. Knowing that she’ll be the class laughingstock if anyone from school saw this picture.

6. Unfortunately, Dad had been involved in a horrible accident this year.

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Let’s hope he didn’t fall off the roof while putting up Christmas lights. Because that would be pretty embarrassing as those shorts he’s wearing.

7. “Here’s your Christmas present, Lindsey.”

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Let’s hope it’s a new pair of jeans. Because she seems to have busted the ones she has on. Also, the guy’s wearing shorts.

8. Sledding in a winter wonderland.

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Looks like Dad’s acid is kicking in. The look on his face makes him seem like he’s tripping balls.

9. Merry Christmas from the 1980s.

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Boy looks like he doesn’t want his friends to know that his dad’s got a mullet. And he’s thinking why can’t he have a less tacky haircut like all the other dads.

10. “Smile for the camera.”

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Apparently, some of these people aren’t smiling. Or smiling rather awkwardly like they’re posing for a school group photo. Yes, you can go through a lot of takes with that.

11. Unfortunately, photoshop wasn’t invented yet.

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Since someone has their hand out in this photo. Surely the studio could’ve just edited out.

12. When family drama becomes too much.

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Apparently, you’ll see people retreating to the stairwell at many Christmas gatherings this year. Particularly when Donald Trump’s impeachment comes up.

13. Maybe a large group picture with Santa was a bad idea.

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This is especially if some kids are crying. Still, you have to admire Santa taking it in stride.

14. Getting kids to pose for a Christmas card photo must be tough.

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These kids are supposed to sit lined against each other. But none of them want to smile for the camera.

15. No, Santa, that’s not how you hold a baby.

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Seriously, holding a baby by the lower chest just makes you look like a creep. For God’s sake, didn’t they teach you that in Santa school?

16. When you didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas.

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One boy’s crying his eyes out that he didn’t get the new Superman action figure. His younger brother puts his arms around his back.

17. When everyone in your family has the same hairstyle as you.

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Or have to pose for a photo you really didn’t want to be in. Got to feel for the guy in front staring at the camera.

18. Is this family fun time or a hostage situation?

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“Lexie, I don’t care if you hate Christmas music or not. You will sing carols with us and you will like it.”

19. “A deer leg? Just what I always wanted.”

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“Yes, Judy, it’s from that mother doe I shot earlier this month when we had that snow. Not sure where the fawn went.”

20. The more kids you have, the more you can use them for crazy photo ops like this.

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“Now, kids, I’d like you to form a human pyramid while I put lights around you. Tommy can hold the star on his forehead.”

21. When you want a nice wholesome family photo but everyone’s goofing off.

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The dad’s like, “What’s so funny? Why are Karen and Debbie laughing? What’s going on here?”

22. “You want to include the goat in the picture?”

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Yes, there’s a goat in here. The woman has a kid on her lap. The guy’s obviously kind of aghast at as if it was a last minute thing.

23. When you’re forced to pose in a photo with your sibling and in a similar outfit.

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And they’re in ugly sweaters, too. Guess some things never change when you grow up.

24. Am I seeing double or what?

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Well, this depicts 2 guys who are probably brothers wearing the same outfit, and enjoying some quality time with a cat. But one guy isn’t thrilled with the idea.

25. When your humans put you through a humiliating photo op for the Christmas card.

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Dog is like, “Kill me now.” Funny, how this couple’s actually from Pittsburgh. From what I can tell by the Steelers collar.

26. The family that smokes together stays together.

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Of course, a third of that family’s already dead. Due to lung cancer. Because smoking kills folks. Also, that kid with the cigarette really makes his parents look bad.

27. Rudolph, the Red-Nosed-giant hedgehog?

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It’s probably their pet photoshopped in. Because there’s no way in hell that a hedgehog could pull a sleigh. Let alone fly one.

28. When even the dog has to pose in the same holiday sweater.

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The woman’s like, “Is this really necessary? I understand us wearing the sweaters. But did we really have to have the dog wear one? Kind of ridiculous.”

29. “This year we decided to announce that Scotty’s joined the gymnastics team.”

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How else could the son pose in his leotard? Still, got to see the father’s shiny legs. Apparently they’re a thing in the Southwest.

30. Kids don’t understand hand gestures, I guess.

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And little Tony just flipped the bird at Santa. Probably has no idea what it means whatsoever.

31. In the Valley of the Dolls…literally.

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“I don’t want to go in there, Mommy. Those dolls scare me. Please don’t let them murder me.”

32. “Am I the only one to think dressing for the Christmas card was a bad idea?”

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You can see the Christmas tree doesn’t seem too thrilled being dressed like that. Probably knows he’ll be beat up in school if the picture goes out.

33. You’d think this was the family from We Bought a Zoo.

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It’s not. But they seem to have a lot of pets, including a duck and some parrots. Not sure if that’s too many.

34. Sometimes a Christmas photo op might cross the line.

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I don’t know about you. But a dad calling his wife and daughters “ho’s” isn’t a man you’d want to emulate. Also, I can really see the joke.

35. Merry Christmas from one of the families in Toddlers and Tiaras.

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Given that these girls resemble sexualized beauty queens, I don’t have confidence in this couple’s parenting. Seriously, kid beauty pageants should be banned.

36. “I got you a present, Marla.”

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“What is it Travis? Is the weed you’ve been smoking? The shrooms you’ve been taking? I really want to know.”

37. Christmas is often the most happy and jolly time of year.

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And this family doesn’t seem to be that. More like drinking co-workers at an office party who hate each other.

38. Speaking of office parties…

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Yes, that’s Dwight, Jim, and Andy from The Office. Note what’s on Dwight’s head.

39. Don’t pay attention to Mike. He’s just being weird.

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He’s the one with the weird mask. Or is it makeup? Either way, he seems straight out of a horror movie.

40. “Mommy, why did you let that scary man pick me up?”

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Man, that Santa mask is so creepy looking. More like a slasher horror movie. Can totally feel for the little boy.

41. A couple shot is always better with the family dog.

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This just reminds me of all those weird pictures from the 1980s we laugh at. Except it seems rather contemporary for some reason.

42. I’m sure this is either for a Christmas card or a dating profile.

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Celebrating Christmas alone doesn’t really seem right. You can see the desperation in his eyes.

43. When’s Santa coming down?

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Apparently, everyone in this photo seems to wonder that. Since the boy’s looking up in an impatient anticipation.

44. What’s with the navels?

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Says, “Jingle Bellies.” Don’t ask me what the hell that’s supposed to mean. Seriously, this is really fucked up.

45. Santa poses with some elves.

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Looks like it’s one of their vacation photos. I’m sure the Santa’s a mannequin.

46. “Mommy, get that scary man away from me.”

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Yes, that’s another bad Santa mask. And yes, that little girl’s incredibly terrified.

47. When you’ve been in a fight during the last holiday shopping rush.

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The woman also has some piercings. So it creates a rather awkward situation with the parents and grandparents.

48. Apparently, Sparky’s not adjusting well to the new baby.

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And you thought siblings were bad. Her the dog sits on the baby because it wants attention.

49. When you find out that Miss Piggy’s not wearing a bra.

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Piggy, please, cover that up. There’s a kid around. Seriously, have you heard about dressing in layers?

50. That’s a rather interesting gourd.

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Sorry, but decorative gourd season’s been over since November. Also, why did they paint a snowman and use it as a birdfeeder?

51. When you start regretting sitting on the scary man’s lap.

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Yes, the mask is frightening and unrealistic. But as one kid takes it in strive, his brother foresees a sense of nightmarish doom upon the horizon.

52. Do they know Santa’s in this very room?

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He’s basically right behind them near the tree. But the kids don’t really seem as excited as they should be.

53. Sometimes the shirt says it all.

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Here Santa wonders what kind of parents these kids have that their hoodies advertise a tobacco company. And the fact Marlboro has those hoodies in children’s sizes.

54. Sorry kid, but Santa’s had a too few many lately.

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Talk about a sketchy Santa. This guy’s totally loaded on something. What, I don’t know.

55. Dear Satan: Send me cash this Christmas.

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Talk about a sketchy Santa. This guy’s totally loaded on something. What, I don’t know.

56. When you’re a mall Santa who hates his life.

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You can see him hold 3 kids. Two girl cry while the boy sits quietly. And Santa gives a face of disgust over his duties.

57. Sometimes kids can be horrible spellers.

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The kid means “wrapped.” I know that the misspelling gives adults an entirely different image, which goes over the kid’s head.

58. That’s not where you want to smell that gingerbread man.

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Yes, the dog’s sniffing at Al Roker’s crotch. What’s funnier is that this happened live on network TV.

59. Christmas is always a cheerful time of year.

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Not in this family, apparently. Rather this is the kind of family that seems at each other’s throats. One guy’s probably a drinker.

60. Big sister’s not too happy with the new baby.

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Sorry, kid, but I don’t think Santa can send your baby sibling that. Because that’s not how it works. Also, tying up your parents in Christmas lights isn’t a good idea.

61. “Can I pose with my llama?”

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Girl must come from a farm. Since her dad’s also holding a lamb. Wonder what the photographer thought of that.

62. These guys can’t wait for Santa.

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So they’re awaiting his arrival in ducky pajamas. Know that these are grown ass men.

63. You’ll never guess who has a red nose and antlers in this photo.

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Mostly all the members save the father. But one of the boys knows this stunt is incredibly lame and wants no part of it.

64. “Let’s line up wearing our ugly Christmas sweaters.”

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The youngest boy feels like he’s forced into something he doesn’t want to participate in. But I’m afraid he’ll have to face the horror.

65. Girl sits beside a dummy Santa.

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Unfortunately dummy Santa can be just as terrifying as the one you see in the mall. But the girl doesn’t seem to mind. Mainly because she could beat up the doll when it goes after her.

66. When you find Santa totally wasted but must get that memorable shot of your kid.

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Kid seems rather anxious doesn’t he. Maybe Santa shouldn’t frequent the bars on his time off. I suggest he do a 12-step.

67. Peter will always stay true to his Snookums.

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And yes, I mean his cat with a little Santa hat. Though the cat seems to have other ideas.

68. Nativity displays should always be left to the churches.

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Because why involve your kids in a manger display if they won’t take it seriously. Still, kind of feel bad for the angel and you can see a hand.

69. There’s nothing like a Christmas in Antarctica.

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Because you wouldn’t survive without wearing heavy winter clothing. Seriously, this was obviously done in a studio.

70. Everyone should relish in the holiday cheer.

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You can see a couple of blase faces on the couch. Meanwhile two of the women are drinking from bottles.