NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition) (Second Edition)

Elf on the Shelf

Last year, I did an Elf on the Shelf post showing how naughty Santa’s little spies could be once they’re in the world of children’s homes. And you can bet, these hypocritical elves will be in doing naughty stuff in your home this year while they’re reporting your kids misbehavior to the big guy in the red suit. Yes, they want to make sure your kid certainly qualifies for the “nice list” before they leave your homes on Christmas Eve. But that doesn’t mean they have to be nice since I’ve found plenty of naughty Elf on the Shelf pictures on the Internet and made a whole post with them. Of course, since all my fans have loved last year’s naughty Elf on the Shelf post, I decided to follow up with another one this year. Yes, I know that it can only “move” around when the residents are asleep or when no one is around. But since we have so many naughty elves in so many houses not adhering to behavioral standards, I highly suggest that parents keep an eye on their resident Elf on the Shelf with aid of camera or the Internet. And report whenever the elf is breaching professional conduct. Yes, you’d like to think they’re doing their job but you never know for sure. And by naughty, I don’t mean childish mischief that makes children laugh. No, I mean stuff that would ruin a children show entertainer’s career or something your child won’t be able to watch in a movie below PG-13. So when you see your resident Elf on the Shelf behaving very inappropriately, remember to take a picture, show it on the Internet, and call this hotline to report it to Santa via 1-800-555-BAD-ELF1. Now without further adieu, I bring you more naughty moments from Elves on the Shelves behaving very badly. Warning: most of these pictures aren’t for kids and aren’t safe for work.

  1. “Stop right where you are, your money or your life.”
1

Uh-oh, seems like Grimpleskins is trying to commit a highway robbery near the living room couch. Might be time to buy some toy police to arrest his ass.

2. Aww, Bilbo and Snowflake are snuggling near the Christmas decorations.

1_catherine_wheel

Okay, they’re not snuggling. Nothing to see here, kids. Oh, come on, can’t you just keep it in your pants and save it for the North Pole for God’s sake?

3. Seems like little Tommy Tucker’s mishaps have been too much for Nucky to handle.

6a00e00991f3ca8833017c33f962ef970b-250wi

Why did he have to poison himself? Why? Was that kid really such a brat? Or was the job just too hard?

4. Don’t look now but I think Trimmer has just committed grand theft auto at the Finklesteins.

49ec475ac1f3c3f82500b4fa1323b74f

Boy, someone’s going to get in trouble with the authorities tonight. Man, Trimmer really has no idea what the hell he’s getting into here.

5. And you thought seeing your mommy kissing Santa Claus was a traumatizing childhood experience. You haven’t seen nothing yet.

52a8d3cdc3e80

Oh, yes, Mrs. Robinson, have to cheat on your husband with Clinker here. Just you wait until your hubby and kiddies come home from Christmas shopping for your present.

6. Now what the hell is Bimble Bob doing in leopard underwear and a 1970s pornstache?

52a8d95fa8d81

No, Bimble Bob, being at the Ellertons home is no way to get some free mustache rides. Seriously, you’re a complete and utter perv.

7. Holy shit, Winklekins, what the hell have you done to Barbie?

62

Good God, Winklekins, you’re a monster! Burying Barbie out in the yard like that makes you a sick son of a bitch. You’ll pay for this.

8. Seems like Pringle likes to creatively express himself in his artwork.

406893_10152293607965290_948737608_n

“All right, Suzie, now show me your tits. Yeah, I’m liking this. Now stay still until I get this down on canvas. It’ll be for my private enjoyment.”

9. Since deer hunting season is around this time, Slinky thought he’d go and grab himself a buck when the Bailey kiddies were in school.

4280123

Jesus Christ, he killed Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer! You bastard! Wait until Santa Claus hears about this! Boy, are you gonna be in North Pole jail after this season.

10. Timble is just on the tree to look what’s under the angel’s dress.

8575008_f520

Man, you’re a sick elf, Timble. Looking up the tree angel’s dress. Have you no decency?

11. Aww, that’s sweet, Timkins is hanging out with the smurfs.

ae1f3434a895a075f524faab361c6639

Holy shit! He’s captured them and is liquifying them to death in a blender! And he doesn’t seem to have an ounce of remorse over doing so.

12. Now that’s nice, Marvel decided to do some Christmas shopping.

cc3e41bc2570e2358ea16b1e506f9bef

And he seems to have made off with Mrs. Pirelli’s purse when she’s looking to buy something for her husband. What an asshole. Someone call security.

13. Seems Darth Vader finds Mittleskins’s lack of faith disturbing.

darth elf

Oh, Mittleskins, what did you do to upset Lord Vader? Well, whatever it is, I’m afraid no one can help you now. Yeah, Vader isn’t a guy who takes mischief lightly.

14. “Sorry, but Glimmer and Freddie have been very naughty lately so I’m the new Elf on the Shelf at the Gregson house this year.”

DFPSU.AuSt.9

Yeah, Pebbles somehow had the other two elves taped to the wall by the other toys for their misconduct. But it’s possible that he’s more evil than either of them.

15. Well, it seems that Bella made the front page.

elf_on_the_shelf_murderer

Oh, dear. You mean she’s the one who killed those people with a meat cleaver? Good God, what the hell’s wrong with the North Pole background check system?

16. I think Ollie might have a serious partying problem.

elf

Ollie, how many Jose Cuervos did you have? Yeah, I think you might’ve had enough for one night. Yeah, take a rest will you?

17. I don’t know about you but it seems Dinkles is enjoying his stay at the Henslers a little too much.

Elf-18

Yes, Dinkles, the Henslers might be nice people. But that doesn’t mean you should put yourself in their picture frames. Seriously, you need psychiatric help.

18. It’s said that Randy is a natural when it comes to cars.

elf83

Oh, is he going to let air out of the tires. Now that can’t be good. Seriously, he needs to stay out of the garage at all times.

19. “Pour me some Samuel Adams, Woody.”

elfonashelf161

Hey, Woody, before you pour some Sam Adams to Plinkie through the funnel, may I suggest you call an intervention? I think he might have a drinking problem.

20. “Tonight’s the night, Gnomey, and you will pay for what you did to those flamingos on the front yard. Yes, you will.”

elf-on-a-shelf-torture-gnome

Uh, I think Jangles has been watching too much Dexter lately. Yeah, I think murdering a gnome for vigilante justice is taking things a little too far.

21. Seems like Crinkler got himself into the Westons’s bathroom medicine cabinet.

elf-shelf-robinwood_0132

Uh, Crinkler, those aren’t candy. Those are medicines, possibly coming from a prescription. They’re not for you.

22. Hey, looks like Santa has come down from the North Pole to play some games with Zippy.

elf-shelf-robinwood_0135

Unfortunately, the game in question is beer pong, which isn’t good for your liver. Yeah, these two are going to be wasted by sunrise.

23. Okay, Finney, you really shouldn’t be getting into Mr. and Mrs. Templeton’s things.

elfward-condom-102

And it seems that Finney is really messing up with the Trojans by sticking pins through them. Yeah, you probably shouldn’t do that and I’m sure Mr. and Mrs. Templeton won’t appreciate it.

24. Quick, seems like Mr. Clavier needs to be in the ER ASAP. His finger won’t stop bleeding.

enhanced-buzz-14176-1386253873-23

Oh, my God, how could you do this, Brumpet? You’re a sick elf all right. I think the family might need to talk to Santa about this incident.

25. Of course, Rimple can be quite a fatalist at times.

funny-elf-on-the-shelf-11

Let’s hope whatever Rimple said on the toilet roll doesn’t pertain to murder or the apocalypse. Yeah, he’s not quite right in the head to get my drift.

26. Whenever he’s not spying on the Falkner children, Handy likes to enjoy himself at the local club.

600d7603f53e51091b7f02fcdea612a01

Unfortunately, it’s the place with the pole dancing Barbie strippers. And when he has more dough, it’s said that he even pays for lap dances.

27. “The best thing about being at a girl’s house is that you can get plenty of tail.”

enhanced-buzz-3500-1386254536-0

“Yes, Betty, that’s a nice rack you have. Now, ladies, let’s get down to business. Please don’t keep me waiting till Christmas Eve because I want my presents early this year.”

28. Tony’s favorite room in the house is the kitchen and his favorite part is the knife block.

enhanced-buzz-15101-1386254794-21

Oh, I really have a bad feeling about this. I think Tony just might have murder on the mind by the looks of it.

29. Oh, dear God, Hanny just totaled the Barbie car!

elf2 (1)

Oh, shit, now he needs some medical attention, if he’s still alive. He should’ve been looking both ways before the vacuum rammed into him.

30. Of course, when Mr. Harris went to work the next morning, his co-workers couldn’t stop laughing at his new haircut.

hairtrim.jpg~original

No, Mr. Harris, your barber didn’t mess up this time. Trust me. Your wife could swear it was certainly Brimbles did it while you were sleeping.

31. Of course, Flicker likes to surf the net from time to time.

let-me-start-by-saying-bad-elf-wifi

Yeah, if your browser history is unusually filled with elf porn, you might need to call Santa. Then again, I’m sure there aren’t elf women like that at the North Pole anyway.

32. In his spare time, Trinkles loves to look inside the neighbors’ windows.

Peeping-Tom-Elf-630x420

Let’s hope he’s not watching from the parents’ room. Because that would basically make him a peeping tom. Yeah, I think everyone deserves privacy now and then.

33. Seems like Trippy is a bit buzzed at the moment.

photo-861

Yeah, I’m sure Mrs. Gillespie will be very impressed by you doing cocaine on her kitchen counter, Trippy. She’ll probably call the cops and tell them all about it. Wouldn’t that be nice?

34. Looks like Santa and Sam the Snowman are really taking to Himey.

picture-054

Is he doing to Santa what I think he’s doing? And what the hell is Sam the Snowman? Oh, never mind. Still, this is just so disturbing on multiple levels.

35. Oh, shit, now Mrs. Flenderson’s gingerbread Christmas village is destroyed. What’s she going to do?

The-Elf-on-the-Shelf-is-Eating-the-Shelf-on-ElfShaming-via-NicoleLeighShaw

And ti seems like Dinkler here just had to get some gingerbread to wreck everything. How nice. And he seems to have a little grin on his face.

36. When Pauly is at the Nichols’ place, he occasionally likes to film some home movies before returning to the North Pole on Christmas Eve.

thumbs_photo-dec-07-4-27-41-pm

Unfortunately, he tends to have very terrible taste in quality entertainment. And as you see, he’s one sick and twisted individual. Yeah, I’m sure Santa will be pleased (sarcasm).

37. Looks like Trinkles got in some sort of trouble in Lego Land recently.

lego

I’m not sure what Trinkles did to be tied down by the Lego people. But whatever it is, I’m sure the Lego people viewed it pretty serious.

38. Don’t look now but it seems that the Boss Elf has been tied down at the moment.

tumblr_nge8gy9X7V1shb0boo4_1280

And tied down, I’m not kidding to say the least. Yes, Hermy has tied him down with some string and duck tape. And he plans to flatten him with a rolling pin. This can’t be good.

39. Here’s Timmy with Mr. Wilson. Wonder what went on there?

e66cf38bea73a3dede7b3efe99019052

Did Timmy just murder Mr. Wilson in the kitchen and took a selfie? Seriously, that is just sick! Yeah, might want to call the authorities.

40. Uh, Phil, I’m afraid those aren’t craft supplies or weapons.

thumbs_photo-dec-10-9-51-40-am

I think those might be tampons. I’m positive. And no, Phil, they’re not for you to play with. Seriously, it’s a personal item.

41. Aww, Crystal is making paper snowflake decorations. Isn’t that sweet?

6a0133f30ae399970b01a3faa61af7970b-800wi

Okay, now a paper snowflake can have many designs. Now those look like a massive waste of paper because they’re too inappropriate for children to see.

42. Of course, since it’s legal in Colorado, Perry thought he’d just sample some local bong.

5c95a38f91b7283577c6c9c5aad24786

Yeah, pot might be legal in Colorado. But that doesn’t mean you should smoke some bong while you’re watching the Griggs’ children during the holiday season.

43. “Okay, tell me what the combination is or I’ll waterboard you some more.”

51a3c51b8e3fbaebfb7ddb93e52938fd

Uh, can someone give Blitzer the memo that enhanced interrogation techniques don’t work like they do in Hollywood? Just saying. Also, someone should call Santa over this.

44. Nice to see that Ginger is a real bookworm. Wonder what she’s reading this year?

6a0133f30ae399970b01a3faa614d7970b-800wi

Oh, she’s reading the Fifty Shades Trilogy. Yeah, not the kind of book I’d expect from an Elf on the Shelf.

45. I think Mrs. Lopez might want to check her underwear drawer at the moment.

6a0133f30ae399970b01a3faa615e1970b-800wi

Yeah, I think Plinko might be a bit of a perv or have some sort a fetish. Wonder if it’s because looking at his fellow lady elves’ underwear makes him look way too creepy to his peers.

46. Looks like Jasper likes to take candy cane by the spoonful.

6a0133f30ae399970b019b03327e6c970d-800wi

Wait a minute, he’s doing crack, right? Okay, I think this guy really needs help because that stuff is highly addictive.

47. “Okay, all of you, on Christmas Eve, you’re going to the North Pole with me.”

6a0133f30ae399970b019b0332817a970d-800wi

Okay, is it just me or is Flaker making some side money on toy figure trafficking? Someone might want to call the Toyland authorities on this guy along with Santa.

48. “I’ve got you now, Chicago Bears nutcracker, any last requests until I light you into a stove top bonfire?”

9d74dad8f775fd965a547a9f13e6e30f

“Sorry, bub, but I just happen to be a Greenbay Packers fan, thank you very much. Now let’s light ’em so to speak.”

49. Seems like Trinket has created his own sleigh with reindeer.

fb7e7b8afc7be80040bbdf268fb4673b

Sorry, but making a sleigh from a case and beer cans isn’t really appropriate for a family Christmas. Also, there aren’t 12 reindeer and they all don’t have red noses.

50. Uh-oh, seems like there may be some mishap with the peanut butter.

1462734_10202641127168795_619349884_o

Now that doesn’t look good. Yeah, dog licking Bringle’s ass while he’s on the snow globe. Nothing to see here, kids.

51. “I’d just love me some Malibu Barbie during the holiday season.”

malibu-barbie-elf-on-the-shelf

Of course, Ningle’s idea of a Malibu Barbie is some Malibu rum and a bunch of Barbies in a blender. Now that’s just sick.

52. Seems like Boba Fett has a bounty for Jabba the Hutt.

ZcFVCYp

Well, at least Icky didn’t get frozen in carbonite. Then again, what’s going for him can’t be great either.

53. “All right! Tell me which list I’m on this year and whether I’m getting a new Xbox for Christmas! And I better be on the nice list or I’ll get totally naughty on your ass if I’m not!”

elf waterboard

Apparently, Quinty seemed to have given some boy’s soldier doll some wrong ideas about Christmas. And he’s basically gone full action movie commando on his ass.

54. Well, as they say, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

6845b6a6cd3f738daa3ae1a6eff2d3e6

Interesting how they tend to defecate chocolate chips. Still, would it be disgusting if I scooped some from the candle and ate it? Probably.

55. “All right, Biggles, tell me where Santa’s money is if you want to live!”

elf511

Of course, Biggles might be damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t in this situation. Still, this is just so hard to see.

56. Well, Winkyskins seems to have fallen onto the kitchen floor this time.

IMG_0529

And he seems to be wielding a big ass knife. Guess Winkyskins wasn’t as right in the head as we thought.

57. Don’t worry, I’m sure Hinky will help you make the cookies.

elf-on-the-shelf-pooping-chocolate-onto-cookies-article

Looks like Hinky must have the grizzly shits real bad this time that he’s pooping Hershey’s kisses. Yeah, seems very unappetizing does it?

58. Oh, my God, Trinky, what the hell have you done to your face?

thumbs_tyson

Hey, is that the Mike Tyson tattoo Stu got from the Hangover 2? Yeah, really not a good idea if you ask me.

59. “I’m sure nobody will know the difference if I wash this toothbrush in toilet water.”

enhanced-buzz-15074-1386253987-16

Let’s just say if you knew knew your toothbrush was immersed in toilet water, you’d probably get another one. Yeah, it’s pretty gross to brush your teeth after your toothbrush has been through that.

60. “I’ll just trim Rover’s claws with these cutters I’ve found in the garage.”

86baa5099d36508478499d4b6b512904

I think Rover might wake up in the process if Triggles isn’t too careful. Still, clipping claws really not a good idea.

61. Hmmm…Trigger is making some tootsie rolls.

tootsie-rolls-elf-on-the-shelf

Oh, so that’s how they’re made. Makes me never want to eat a tootsie roll again. Yeah, really gross if you think about it.

62. “Sorry, Barbie, but you’ll be dead when that train runs over you.”

elfonashelf141

I think the train might be a little too small to run Barbie over. I mean it’s all a matter of weight ratios here.

63. Oh, my God, Tinkler’s been dissected.

5617664bc158d37d6effa99571d5a810

Okay, now that’s not cool. Seriously, that’s just downright creepy. Sorry, kids, but he won’t be back next Christmas season.

64. Holy shit, Jangles killed Elmo! That bastard!

bcf145aa53ba2054439c1e232a6388a5

Yeah, I’m sure Jangles is going to be in big trouble. I mean there’s a Hulk down below. And you don’t want to get Hulk angry.

65. “Sorry, Gussy, but I’ll have to tape you to a cabinet this time. And no, I won’t let you say anything.”

elf-buzz-lightyear-elf-on-shelf

Of course, I can understand Buzz taping the elf to the cabinet. Sorry, but Gussy kind of gives me the creeps if you ask me.

66. “Oh, no, not the buttons! Not the gumdrop buttons!”

98105b8324bddf0bfd06c1602e06442e

And he just had to behead the Gingerbread Man. Still, didn’t know that they bled. Wasn’t expecting that.

67. “Of course, bath time ain’t fun unless you get psycho.”

524e5340f3062bd413a0e8b462ce4ce5

Yes, Gringy just had to behead 2 Barbies and strangle Bell with a shower hose. Now that’s just lovely. Actually, that’s disturbing.

68. “Et tu, Brute?”

be2c3e92dc5faadbd33565c9a2559b23

Let me guess, the dead elf is Julius Caesar, right? How can I guess? Also, shouldn’t the other two Ken dolls also have knives?

69. “All right, Gracie, now you’ve used your lotion long enough!”

f27de0ffa4f2bc4cdf0fd252c520658d

Man, seems like Inky has put Gracie in a real shitty hostage situation. Really should tell Santa about that. Seriously, you should.

70. Trinker always loves it whenever Barbie goes in the shower.

f37ee28488167a4642e4186003939418

Boy, is he such a perv and a peeping tom. Let’s hope when Ken gets home, he’s going to nail Trinker’s ass to kingdom come.

71. “I’m sure she didn’t see me robbing her jewelry box.”

8545a208b93b7059cc39113722ab04fb

Sorry, but a nylon stocking doesn’t construe facial features. That’s just a fact. Also, I’m sure those jewels aren’t as worth as much as Hinkle thinks. I bet any money on that.

72. “All dressed up in my glow bracelets and ready to rave.”

7a90fa35e8fdbca6c6f05a75a23767a0

Of course, Jinxer is bound to return totally high on ecstasy and totally wasted on alcohol. Then again, he’s probably just wearing glow stick bracelets. But still.

73. Of course, when you get up in the morning, you should always check your coffee.

60caca1e374eacd843f282deb02cac1b

This is especially true when Gwinnet puts laxatives in Mr. Tishel’s morning coffee. Sorry, Mr. Tishel, but probably don’t have diarrhea.

74. “What do you think I should do? Should one of us kill him?”

19a21f1257c3965bb7c45bdc5e3865c2

Wonder what Klinky did now that made the nutcracker soldiers tape him to a panel and guard him. Must have been pretty bad if you ask me.

75. “He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny… He looks like a pink nightmare!”

8c2299627489eb12bfa6b3a15d956343

Well, wouldn’t anyone who’s not a 4-6 year old girl? Seriously, I think this is fairly demented if you ask me.

76. “All right, now light ’em up.”

Elf-12

Hmm….Ingles is smoking a cigarette. Now that’s a naughty elf. Hope he likes to have his lungs full of tar and an early death to lung cancer.

77. Okay, what did Gringie just do to deserve this? Because this looks really bad.

11235381_1014949938567921_549224021438018388_n

Of course, he should note that Han shot first. Just so you know. Still, I wouldn’t think being held over from a gas burner as very pleasant.

78. “Looks, I’m going to party with some of the hot, drunk elf ladies. Man, it’s going to be great.”

c02cb7072fe88d3e4b94702a976e9a64

Yeah, what a sick and twisted elf Tringletoes is. And you think he’s an upstanding because he has to report naughty things on kids to Santa. What a hypocrite.

79. “Hey, I didn’t know they have pay-per-view here. I’d like to see what titles they have here. Like to see some naked elf girls.”

e09abe989dd0b2dad2d94b451f3b3b77

Man, Belmer really has a dirty imagination if you ask me. You have to wonder if they have such smut all the time at the North Pole nowadays.

80. “Wonder what Mrs. McElroy would think if I just happened to flush her tic-tacs down the toilet.”

fe6440d02f858d24e71fcd1bd210a131

Uh, Hanky, I really don’t think those are tic-tacs. Definitely not tic-tacs. And I’m sure Mrs. McElroy is bound to be pissed when she finds out.

Advertisements

Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Christmas Vintage Advertising of Yesterday (Second Edition)

l-jbt92ry7zl0bfk

Once again, Black Friday is upon us again to kick off the official Christmas season. Of course, everyone seems to be well aware of it since businesses tend to advertise the freaking shit out of it. But as last year, I stayed true to my vow and decided that I wasn’t going to do any Christmas stuff until after Thanksgiving. And I have kept it, thank you very much. Now since many of my previous Christmas posts received a ton of views over the last year, I decided to do some second editions for a few of them such as vintage advertising, Elf on the Shelf, treats, albums covers, and sweaters. However, I plan to have some new stuff as well like Christmas crafts and possibly Christmas village sets. Of course, since the holiday season has been greatly commercialized, there are no shortage of advertising. And yes, it’s annoying as hell, especially when you see it earlier in November or before Thanksgiving. Now the olden days certainly had their share of ads as well whether they be for food, decorations, gifts, or whatever. Now you might think that Christmas ads were more wholesome and adorable. However, as I find out through Google Search and Pinterest, that’s not the case. Those who wish to spend early Christmas season fun at home can sit back and relax as I show you a treasure trove of old holiday ads your grandparents don’t want you to know ever existed.

  1. Ladies, be your own Santa this year with your very own Formfit bra.
5d32640eed12b8d6b0b8cbe8f9542699

Okay, the woman wearing nothing but her bra is one thing. However, I think the marionette Santa is even creepier.

2. Santa wishes you a wishfull treefull of Chesterfields this Christmas.

6a00d83542d51e69e200e553b1c3cb8834-800wi

Yes, Santa decorate an entire Christmas tree with cigarette packs. Seriously, do you really want the kids to have a lot of health problems due to first or secondhand smoke?

3. Rest assured, Santa, she’ll love you for getting Mojud.

9cdd3537a91c7a1c5bb4c7f7c0924248

I don’t know about you. But from how I see Santa with the nightie, he’s going to be on the naughty list this Christmas. At least when Mrs. Claus finds out. Seriously, Santa is a perv.

4. This Christmas, get yourself a Jantzen figure.

9ceabc004fa1bd4ae4b7bec0145828a7

Of course, it’s her turn to play sexy Santa this year. Still, Gladys found out it was better to do it without the creepy Santa mask.

5. Beat the Christmas rush with Bell Telephone system.

9c2dba77362f402e6e99d28e0d6169f2

Wonder who’s going to rescue the people who are hanging from them? I have no idea why they don’t have any emergency vehicles standing by. Also, I’m sure that sailor will be dead if he falls from the wires.

6. From the Baldwin Clothier Boy’s Department, here’s a book on Christmas stories.

9ef9ec1ea5ee5b2a61d693db03da42a7

Kind of interested on the story of Duke Pineapple. Wonder if he’s the main antagonist of the early 20th century edition of Fruit Ninja. Or maybe the illustrator was on too much absinthe.

7. I wish I was a reindeer so I can dress like a Christmas tree and spread good cheer in six different flavors.

52b39b99d837f5b2f60da64f3ffb9a51

Not sure if the reindeer is happy with having 6 different jello dishes hanging from his antlers. Also, I’m sure reindeer don’t eat jello at all. They’re more into grass.

8. An Air Way sanitizer is as beautiful as anything under the tree.

66b03da6cdaa4e3c154add3c1046d17d

Actually that’s not what I’d call beautiful in any respect. Kind of looks like some drink dispenser or a squared Sputnik if you ask me.

9. Nothing makes your kiddies happier in the 1950s than a real Roy Rogers Christmas.

83b0cc9c03d96c3b0d2248e5101ad407

All it costs are some of your parents’s money and your dad’s sense of dignity. Sorry, but playing the part of Trigger is part of being a dad during the 1950s.

10. Why be irritated this Christmas when you can smoke Old Gold?

086db3e46df63be4e38c5687830e9cb7

Uh, I think I’d rather help him by putting up the tree first if I were you, lady. Lighting a cigarette when the tree’s fallen over him is just a fire hazard waiting to happen.

11. This Christmas everyone is shouting about Textron menswear.

166ec217d0f08782c651df6f470ff1ea

So I guess in these pjs, grown men can spend Christmas morning playing cowboys, Indians, and derogatory Indian stereotypes. Also, cowboys riding tricycles as well. And the kid is reading a book.

12. From this Christmas on, make your own movies with the Cine Kodak Eight.

268eab65a85ed61f23dedcddef66c91c

“Now we can use this to spy on our neighbors and see what their combination is to that big freaking safe they have in their house. You thinking what I’m thinking?”

13. Give your loved one a special gift this Christmas: a toilet seat for 5.95.

466ec17795f22ba3451ea0c84c96fd1e

Now really? Who the hell would be happy getting a toilet seat on Christmas? This is a terrible present for God’s sake. Seriously, why?

14. Don’t know what to give anyone for Christmas? How about some Weed tire chains?

1924_12_06-132_SP1-400x540

Yes, I’m sure tire chains would make a wonderful Christmas gift. Well, for someone who has no idea how to snow proof their cars. Then again, it’s not the kind of present you’d give to anyone.

15. Santa’s elves are always busy in their workshops making appliances?

1927_12_10-0761-400x522

Okay, this can’t be right. Aren’t elves are supposed to make toys for kids? Not appliances for their parents for God’s sake. Seriously, what 6 year old kid asks Santa for a waffle iron?

16. This Christmas, visit your loved ones via the Chesapeake and Ohio lines.

557f24d70d56b02cfc63647845a311cd (1)

Don’t like the look on Santa’s face on this one. Looks like he’s about to pull some cruel prank on these cat and kittens. Like spiking the milk with laxative or something like that.

17. Give your loved ones the gift of comfort this Christmas like a hot water bottle from Wearever.

1919_12_06-126_SP1-400x524

To be fair, they didn’t have the kind of heating technology we do. However, I don’t think anyone uses hot water bottles anymore, save in cartoons. Also, looks like the kind of gift you’d give your co-worker secret Santa.

18. Give artistic Cinderella magic this Christmas with Rogers lacquer.

1930_12_13-120_SP1-400x514

Yeah, nothing makes a great Christmas gift than a can of paint varnish. Seriously, that’s what you get in a hardware store, not a Christmas gift.

19. Why have one Santa in your ad when you can have 2?

539c67fa32eb8aa4e9a428aef129030b

Now these Santas certainly look different. One is taller and has glasses. Yet, both seem to think that vacuum cleaners make great Christmas gifts for women. As a woman, I find this ad appallingly insulting. Seriously, I loathe vacuum cleaners.

20. Give your wife a kitchen appliance for Christmas from Frigidaire.

1938-frigidaire-santa-v2-copy1-400x512

Seems like Santa really spent a fortune on that stove, dishwasher, and refrigerator. Still, since when is it her kitchen? It’s their kitchen. It’s their house. Appliances shouldn’t be promoted as gifts for women but for the whole family. Because everyone uses them.

21. Sorry, reindeer, but Santa is updating his sleigh this year to gasoline powered.

1940-conoco-oil1-400x503

Seems like the reindeer union might vote to go on a stampede in Santa’s garage. Yeah, that’s no union at the North Pole I want to mess with. But if your livelihood is in jeopardy, you gotta do what you gotta do.

22. Christmas is the best time of year to get tires because it’s always the year after next that counts.

1941-general-tire1-400x509

And it seems that this guy might either need to hit the gym or buy a new Santa suit. Then again, it’s probably worn out. Still, love the look on this wife’s face.

23. When it comes to reading letters from kids, Santa likes to kick back with some White Rock ginger ale and scotch for his scotch and soda.

ogygcpkwbwho3ou7qgzw

So, kiddies, don’t be surprised if your letter from Santa sounds about as incomprehensive as your drunk uncle’s Thanksgiving rant. Santa is just very drunk at the moment.

24. Give Mom a break this Christmas with a Hotpoint dishwasher.

1950-hotpoint-p1-copy1-400x256

Wonder how much this family eats considering the quantity of dishes takes up a whole wall. Seriously, no family has that many dirty dishes.

25. Give a special smoker in your life a White Briar pipe this Christmas by Kaywoodie.

1953-kaywoodie-pipe1-400x506

I don’t know about you, but Kaywoodie is a terrible name for a pipe company. Yeah, I can expect the giggles from that one.

26. A Health-O-Meter scale is a Christmas gift with a lift.

1958 Health-O-Meter Ad Christmas fb

Okay, if someone on your wish list didn’t ask for a scale, you shouldn’t get one. Seriously, it might make a receiver wonder whether you think they’re fat. This is especially true for man giving gifts to their girlfriends, fiancees, or wives.

27. For heartburn relief during the holidays, try some Alka-Seltzer.

1958_12_06-002_SP1-400x518

I don’t know about you but Speedy the Alka-Seltzer kid just seems straight out of my nightmares. I wouldn’t trust him with what he has.

28. For Christmas, Avon Cosmetics are a joy to give and a joy to receive.

1968-nov-redbook-ad-avon-fragrances-perfume-bottles-gifts-christmas

It’s also quite interesting that one of these cosmetics is stored in a golden banana shaped bottle. It just makes me scratch my head for a moment.

29. Usher’s Green Stripe is a 1853 Christmas original.

1973

Now these pictures are so creepy. Well, at least the Victorian kid and the Roman with grapes. Yeah, don’t want to be near them.

30. Keep dry like the English this holiday season with Gordon’s Gin.

1973-gordons

Of course, this basically says that the Brits usually spend the holiday season rip roaring drunk on gin, which is the worst alcoholic beverage on the planet. Still, given Britian’s problem with binging, this doesn’t reflect well on the country.

31. Decorate your Christmas tree this year with Noma lights.

6435ae91923f99b4739e1b2c1ddd4537

Yes, I know the Santa baby is supposed to be adorable. But to me, there’s just something about this cherubic demon child that terrifies me down to the core.

32. This Christmas, deck the halls of your home with easy to make decorations with Styrofoam.

8291e2a294e354a635ceac515eedf5d7

You the packing material stuff that never biodegrades that you can find almost anywhere. Well, you can make decorations with that.

33. Remember that the prettiest Christmas dollies use Scotch hair set tape.

38439

When I see a woman with tape on her face like this, I don’t think I’d brush it off as a decorative enhancement. Hell, I’d wonder whether she needs to leave her boyfriend and file a restraining order. That doesn’t look good.

34. Promise me, Santa, that you’ll take care of my underwear needs from Frederick’s.

045064cac4079e2935481213349e588f

Now calling Santa to give you lingerie is one thing. But this woman looks like she’s in the mood for more than just lingerie. I mean look at her suggestive sexy eyes.

35. Be clear and fresh this Christmas with Ivory soap.

65698855b19d3e585cdc018607686781

Yes, I know this little kid is supposed to look so cute and innocent. But for some reason, she doesn’t even look real and perhaps a bit creepy.

36. Even Santa Clause eats Cream of Wheat for breakfast.

b894d4d4a961003efc1d813f896ff768

And in this ad, Santa has just alienated one of his big demographics such as black children. Seriously, Rastah is a racist caricature for God’s sake.

37. Webster Cigars makes a great gift for important men.

Bad Vintage Christmas Ads (16)

I bet lady sitting here’s like, “How much longer do I have to endure this dinner sitting next to that douche? Why did I have to spend Christmas with my boyfriend’s family this year instead of taking a plane home to see my folks? Why, sweet Jesus, Why?”

38. Is your child a bed wetter? Then this Christmas, we can help them stop.

Bad-Xmas-Ads-16

Now this is just really insulting. Yes, kids wet the bed at some point in their childhood. But really should there be an ad shaming kids that do? Probably not.

39. Santa Claus would like to wish a, “Big Ho” to Westward Ho Fruit Growers Cooperative.

4 R

Of course, nowadays, “Big Ho” has a very different and inappropriate meaning. Yeah, it’s actually very unintentionally funny to once you reach a certain age or start listening to Hip-Hop music.

40. Want to please your lady this Christmas? Buy her a toaster.

Bad-Xmas-Ads-18

Yeah, buy your woman a toaster and she’ll love you for it. Even if she doesn’t ask for one and wants you to give her a gold necklace instead. Now this ad is just plain sexist.

41. This Christmas, get your lady a Bissell “Cyco” Bearing Carpet Sweeper.

bissell-466x900

I don’t know about you. But Santa doesn’t seem to be on the jolly side here. Seems to be telling the woman to accept this great sweeper and she’d like it or else he’d ram his sleigh and reindeer into her house.

42. Cherish your Christmas moments with your family with this Kodak camera.

c636250ba62766223aa2cf4d27137361

Yes, the girl is supposed to be cute and innocent. But for some reason, I sense some evil in her soulless eyes as if she’s strangling the little doll with her chubby fingers.

43. Some people just can’t wait to open their Christmas presents under the tree.

c6498300233ff70955b8372437031dd2

Yes, I know plenty of men like beer. But that doesn’t mean you should give your man box with 24 cans. And if he opens it before Christmas, it might mean that he has a drinking problem.

44. Santa says that electricity is cheap so use more of it, courtesy of Carolina Power & Light Company.

Carolina-Power-and-Light-Co

Yes, electricity is great. However, fossil fuel use is not. So perhaps it’d be better to conserve electricity and save energy. Besides, isn’t Santa’s home being threatened by a little thing called climate change? Yeah, I think he should know better.

45. For fair feminine skin this holiday season use Hinds Almond and Honey Cream.

cc9d5c6e8e0ae0c93ce5aa90a8b758db

Now I don’t know which is scarier in this. Santa looks pretty terrifying as is. But I think the little girls might just kill him if he doesn’t give them the dolls they wanted.

46. For Santa, Christmas is all about “give and take.”

coke-vintage-ad-santa-1937-620x822

You see, kids, that wasn’t your dad raiding the fridge on Christmas Eve. That was Santa who ate the turkey before refreshing himself with a bottle of Coca-Cola. Yes, Santa just wants to raid your fridge in exchange for presents.

47. For Christmas, give something useful like Colgate products.

Colgate-607x900

Unless you’re a dentist or have close association with one, I’m not sure Colgate products make good Christmas gift ideas. Seriously, they make toothpaste for God’s sake. Besides, nobody wants to receive a toothbrush for Christmas.

48. Hallmark Christmas cards are always a great idea, now featuring artwork from the Right Honourable Sir Winston Churchill.

d7212b82c28f9906cf4d3a61b5df5f7d

Yes, Churchill led Britain during WWII. But would you really buy a Christmas card with one of his paintings? Also, kind of looks a bit skeevy here like he really needs cash at the moment.

49. For the skier in your life, Chesterfield is the ideal cigarette for them.

1940-chesterfield-skiing1-400x505

Now I know skiing might be great exercise. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep your lungs free from tar and nicotine while on the slopes. Because if you don’t ruin your body in a ski accident, you’ll sure ruin it through smoking cigarettes I assure you.

50. This Christmas don’t miss the fun of smoking with Pall Mall.

Pall+Mall+Xmas

Yes, don’t miss the fun of smoking and enjoy the thrills of respiratory problems, cancer, cardiovascular disease, premature aging, yellow skin, and early death. Actually, this Christmas I encourage you to miss the fun of smoking because its side effects aren’t very fun at all.

51. Only Santa Claus wouldn’t enjoy this Remington Rolectric this Christmas.

Remington-Rollectric-620x805

Yeah, Santa doesn’t seem to be very happy with getting a razor for his Christmas present. He’ll probably regift it to Mrs. Claus, hoping she’d use it to shave her legs.

52. May all your dreams come true this Christmas, courtesy of Marlboro.

Santa-Smoking-2

Of course, since we’re talking about Marlboro, the tobacco company hopes that your dreams don’t consist of living a long and healthy life. Also, Santa smoking a cigarette, really not setting a great example for the kids. Bad, Santa.

53. Treat your son right this Christmas by giving him a 22 from Winchester.

6a00d8341c51c053ef0148c6eb4c8a970c-450wi

Now this ad gives dads advice on what to tell their wives when they give their boy’s a Winchester. From the ad: “Suppose you want to give a Winchester 22 to your 12-year-old. But the wife says, “It’s too dangerous now. Wait till he’s older.” What do you tell her? First, tell her exactly why you think a boy should learn to handle guns early. Tell her he may not get a chance later. And too many kids grow up thinking guns are toys. Tell her a boy’s hankering to shoot and go hunting is perfectly normal. Something he’s born with. A part of his American tradition….” Oh, God, give me freaking break.

54. Want a gun this Christmas? Remington has got you covered.

6a00d8341c51c053ef0147e0e147ad970b-450wi

Because no Christmas present says “Peace on Earth” than something that was designed to kill. Seriously, guns aren’t toys and are terrible Christmas presents.

55. Old Gold Cigarettes are bound to make any man look sexy this Christmas.

What-man

However, remember that the sexiness isn’t guaranteed to last if he smokes enough of them. Because he sure won’t look like this in the hospital dying of lung cancer.

56. Give underwear to your family this Christmas with Fruit of the Loom.

worst-christmas-ads-12

Now this has to be one of the most awkward Christmas photos I’ve ever seen. What’s even stranger is how everyone seems so chill with hanging around in their underwear.

57. Make this Christmas safe with Pyrene.

worst-christmas-ads-13

Okay, this looks very scary if you ask me. For one, the guy is totally freaking me out. Second, why the Christmas tree look like it’s on fire? Oh, it’s for a fire extinguisher. That makes sense. But why are the mom and kid so close to it? That’s not safe. Seriously, they need to back away.

58. Remember there are plenty of Christmas gifts made from Reynolds Aluminum.

enhanced-buzz-9633-1387586938-13

Still, it seems like Mickey, Donald, and Dumbo get all the nice gadgets and toys while Daisy and Minnie are stuck with kitchen appliances. I’d rather get a camera or a TV than a fridge, stove, or waffle iron.

59. Want your wife to love you more? Give her a dishwasher this Christmas.

133fa0f2-4177-4ecb-9a11-6a4770764c7d

From Diply: “‘She’ll love you every time she does the dishes.’ Really? Maybe, she’ll just hold in her resentment and unleash it later.” Then again, it beats washing them in the sink. But appliances should be for the whole family.

60. For your men and boys, give the gift that lasts like Atkins “Silver Steel” Saws.

6bbe0b2c27850493f2fabd5a6cf2c91c

Because men certainly love a saw with a sharp blade to cut wood with. Of course, the fact psychokillers use them is only coincidental.

61. Be his Christmas star with fashions from Frederick’s of Hollywood.

3bbbe48fa63c88330eb97fc291475be9

Yes, bursting out of a Christmas present in a sexy gold dress and cone bra will certainly make you his Christmas star indeed. However, I’m not sure if that woman wants to be a Christmas star to the pervy guy ogling at her. That might just be a routine of hers at the Kit Kat Club.

62. Contemplate your future this holiday season with a Ouija board.

enhanced-3794-1419291539-4

From Buzzfeed: “Really? She’s hearing from a spirit and all she can think to ask is “who’s Debbie date for the prom”!” Yeah, that’s a pretty stupid question along with “Shall I become a model or fashion designer?”

63. This Christmas treat him like a millionaire with BVD pajamas and being his servant.

enhanced-26026-1419278003-1

I’m pretty sure this guy can take off his own slippers. But he seems too much of a douche to do so and makes his wife handle it. Jerk.

64. For the girl in your life, give her Cutex nail polish.

enhanced-29146-1419278004-34

From Buzzfeed: “Just what every girl wants for Christmas: A drug store brand nail polish from her boyfriend.” Yeah, I’m sure no girl is vying for drug store brand nail polish this time of year.

65. Be a real Santa Claus to the wife this Christmas by giving her this washing machine.

b88d7bf8-1fed-45fa-853c-0c1f709a5973

Now I’m sure we don’t use those kinds of washing machines nowadays. Still, sexist as hell? I’ll say.

66. Tell him how lovely you are this Christmas with a new holiday party dress.

enhanced-13456-1419277998-3

From Buzzfeed: “If you need a party dress to tell your man how “lovely you are,” then you’ve got bigger problems.” Yeah, your own insecurity. Seriously, if a man can’t see how lovely you are without a party dress, then he won’t if you’re in one.

67. Remember, fellas, nothing says romance than giving your special lady a Hoover for Christmas.

enhanced-5305-1419284695-7

Any boyfriend who gives me a Hoover for Christmas, I swear to God, I will burst into an uncontrollable rage never seen from the depths of hell. To my future husband: a better present would be vacuuming my place when I’m away so I won’t have to deal with the freaking noise. I hate vacuum cleaners!

68. Fellas, when woman gets a recliner, she can get 2 Christmas presents at once.

enhanced-12952-1419277997-10

From Buzzfeed: “So this is TWO Christmas gifts that she apparently doesn’t get to enjoy.” Unfortunately, yes, as a matter of fact. Then again, I think my grandparents might have a chair like this in their house.

69. Do away with a tired and thirsty face this Christmas with Coca Cola.

Tired-Face

Now the tired face Santa just removed is just freaky to say the least. Seriously, how did the designer think this was a good idea? I mean why?

70. Nothing makes a great Christmas gift for the kids than a Glad trash bin.

il_570xN.691869762_8f8e

Yeah, I’m sure any kid would be smiling with pride over getting their very own trash bin for Christmas. Seriously, this is a horrible present, especially for children. Also, this one is from France.

The Hunger Games: The Musical – “Katniss’s Soliloquy”

hunger-games-mockingjay

Note: This post might contain spoilers. So if you haven’t read the books or seen the films up to Mockingjay Part 2, then you shouldn’t be viewing this. Because it might ruin the whole thing for you.

Article Lead - wide996960826ghkbuiimage.related.articleLeadwide.729x410.ghkbwa.png1433994111819.jpg-620x349

During the course of Mockingjay, while Katniss becomes a symbol of a revolution, she has plenty of psychological baggage catching up to her. Now Katniss wasn’t altogether there in the beginning since she lost her father at 11 years old and was too busy trying to support her family through poaching to grow up as a fully functioning human being. After she and Peeta win the Hunger Games, she’s already suffering with PTSD by Catching Fire and is forced to keep chugging as other characters decide that she’s too important to whatever is going on to be allowed to recover from shell shock. This gets exacerbated at every given opportunity whether it be the Quarter Quell or the rebellion. And boy, does she suffer since she has to deal with things like friends dying, her hometown bombed, war and destruction, getting wounded, Peeta’s hijacking, betrayal, and so much more.

hunger-games-mockingjay-2-teaser2-900

For a parody on this state, I decided to use “Jean Valjean’s Soliloquy” from Les Miserables (it’s a great musical, I know). Now in the original Jean Valjean struggles with his worldview and how the bishop he robbed is the first person who’s ever been kind to him since he’s been on parole for stealing a loaf of bread. This even to the point when the bishop forgives him for stealing his silver. This leads him to take another path of life and break his parole. In the Hunger Games version, I had it set up at Snow’s scheduled execution after Snow tells Katniss that he didn’t bomb the Capitol in an attack that  killed children and her sister Prim (when it really looked like it). Why? Because the Capitol didn’t have the bombs to conduct such an attack at that scale. And that he’d have no reason to kill Capitol civilians other than as collateral damage. Not to mention, Katniss is seeing how evil Coin truly is since she tried to get her killed and wanted another Hunger Games with Capitol children. This leaves Katniss to snap and kill Coin.

 

“Katniss’s Soliloquy”

Sung by Katniss Everdeen

 

What have they done?

Sweet Jesus, what have they done?

Bombed the Capitol at night,

Blew up a bunch of children

Have they fallen so far,

And is the hour so late

That nothing remains but the cry of my hate,

The cries in the dark that nobody hears,

Here is where I stand at the ruined city here?

 

Was there another way to go

That didn’t lead to so many to go

My life was a war that could never be won

They made me a symbol of their revolution

But Coin wanted power and wanted me dead

For seeing me as a personal threat

 

Yet, how can I even forget

How that explosion killed my Prim?

An innocent like any other

She harmed no one

Nor one or another

She was girl who inspired love

Why did she die?

The girl I’ve volunteered to protect

Is now gone because I’ve tried

 

Take an eye for an eye!

Turn your heart into stone!

This is all they have lived for!

This is all they have known!

 

Always thought the evil to behold

Was only locked inside the Capitol

But Prim’s death was by the rebels

I feel my pain inside me like a knife

How could I side with such a soul,

Did I even know?

Why she wanted to take my life?

Was there another way to go?

 

I am reaching for my bow

And the crowd is closing in

As I stare at Alma Coin

And her vileness within

Not sure if I can kill Snow now

See my arrow pointing up

I just saw my sister die

And Coin I can’t forgive!

The Hunger Games: The Musical – “Who Am I?”

la_ca_1023_hunger_games_078.jpg

Note: This post might contain spoilers for those who haven’t read the books or seen the films up to Mockingjay Part 1.

mockingjay

Despite being the main character and the hero of the Hunger Games trilogy, I didn’t have a lot of song parodies for Katniss Everdeen. Perhaps it’s because it’s easier to do parodies for other characters singing about her. Maybe it’s due that Katniss’s story while momentous isn’t really fun by her perspective. I mean she started out as a dirt poor girl from District 12 who volunteered as a tribute for hers sister. Once she won the Hunger Games with Peeta via threatening suicide, she becomes an instant celebrity and an icon that inspires revolts in several districts. And sometime later, she’s made to take part in the Hunger Games again since the 3rd Quarter Quell is an all star edition year. Luckily she escapes to District 13 with some victors. And in the third book, she’s asked to become the Mockingjay symbol of the rebellion (and has little choice whether to accept). Nevertheless, Katniss’s life has changed so much that she’s now unsure who she is anymore.

katniss-everdeen-mockingjay-part-2-1024x576-1024x576

For a parody on her state of mind at this point, I think “Who Am I?” from Les Miserables might be appropriate. Now the original has Jean Valjean thinking about whether to turn himself in to the court during a trial for a guy who’s identified as him. At this point in the story Jean Valjean is a successful factory owner and mayor of a small French town as well as a changed man. In this song he struggles between abandoning his responsibilities or violating his conscience. However, I think the trial was a scheme by Javert who automatically recognized him when he saved a guy under a cart. Now in the Hunger Games version, I have Katniss singing on whether she should be the Mockingjay and whether she is the same girl she used to be.

 

“Who Am I?”

Sung by Katniss Everdeen

 

She wants me as a tool

Should I be the Mockingjay?

Should I accept her offer

Or should I try to get away?

 

How is my Peeta now?

Should I try to save his life?

Will she agree to my terms

Or will she put him on the knife?

 

If I consent, I am a tool.

If I turn her down, I am damned!

 

I can give victors immunity from sentence.

And Peeta’s not free.

How can I abandon them?

How would they live

If I don’t agree?

 

If I agree, they may be saved

If I turn her down, I am damned!

 

Who am I?

My name is Katniss Everdeen

I live in District 12 and am 17

I won and was in the Hunger Games

But this year I broke out and escaped

Who am I?

The Capitol despised me for evermore

But can I ever be the girl I was before?

And must I now a symbol be

As a Panem revolutionary?

Must they die?

How can I ever face my fellow men?

How can I ever be myself again?

And how is Peeta, I don’t know

And how he’s doing under Snow?

He gave me hope when hope was gone

He gave me strength to carry on

 

Who am I? Who am I?

I am the Mockingjay!

 

And so Coin, you see it’s true

I’ll be your Jay and try to work with you!

Who am I?

Katniss Everdeen!

The Hunger Games: The Musical – “Holding Out for a Hero”

Haymitch_headshot

Poor, poor Haymitch. Now this guy can’t catch a break. I mean the guy has been through so much shit in his life that his drinking problem is completely understandable. At 15, he was reaped for the 2nd Quarter Quell where he had 47 to 1 odds as well as killed fellow tributes as well as witnessed some of their deaths. Luckily he won, but his way of winning inflamed Snow so much that he had Haymitch’s mother, brother, and girlfriend killed 2 weeks after his victory. And to make matters worst, prior to the first book, Haymitch had to mentor District 12 tributes for practically all his late teens and his adult life. And before Katniss and Peeta burst onto the scene, no tribute under Haymitch’s care has survived the Hunger Games. Considering this is the Hunger Games, it’s probably safe to say that these 46 tributes died through no fault of his own. I mean it’s a fight to the death for God’s sake.

Haymitch_&_Katniss_before_arena

Now I thought parodying “Holding Out for a Hero” would make a great song for Haymitch who really needs something to be happy about. The original song is from Footloose, expressing longing for a hero. It’s probably romantic in nature and usually addresses a guy. In the Hunger Games version, it’s Haymitch singing to Katniss and Peeta on how he really needs a break in his life.

 

“Holding Out for a Hero” (Hunger Games Edition)

Sung by Haymitch Abernathy

 

Why have all my tributes gone

And why they went like sods?

Where’s my street-wise protégé

To fight the rising odds?

Isn’t anyone from 12 who’s a very savvy teen?

Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need

 

[Chorus:]

I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the fight

They gotta be strong

And they gotta be fast

And they gotta get out there alive

I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the fight

They gotta be smart

And it’s gotta be soon

And they gotta be larger than life

 

As the Games approaches

While I try to do my best

So I won’t have to watch both of you

Having a weapon lodged in your chest

Trapped in the arena and up against Careers

It’s gonna take some miracle to get you out of there

 

[Chorus:]

I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the fight

They gotta be strong

And they gotta be fast

And they gotta get out there alive

I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the fight

They gotta be smart

And it’s gotta be soon

And they gotta be larger than life

 

Out in the arena there’s every danger above

When everything’s working against you

I will be following the Games at some place

Watching you

 

Get out of the Cornucopia fight ASAP

For it’s a quick way to die

If you want my advice

Just try to stay out alive

 

[Chorus:]

I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the fight

They gotta be strong

And they gotta be fast

And they gotta get out there alive

I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the fight

They gotta be smart

And it’s gotta be soon

And they gotta be larger than life

The Hunger Games: The Musical – “Come See the Hunger Games”

Caesar_Flickerman

Now as you know, the Hunger Games is about a televised teenage fight to the death. And for many of the districts, it’s a punishment they’re forced to watch. But for the Capitol, it’s simply high quality entertainment with action, thrills, and drama. Kind of like a reality show if you like to view it that way, albeit a very lethal one. Of course, I couldn’t do Hunger Games musical parodies without including the Hunger Games Master of Ceremonies himself, Caesar Flickerman. Now he’s basically the epitome of every daytime talk show host complete with his ever dazzling white teeth. No one knows how old he is but it’s pretty clear he’s fairly up there thanks to the Capitol trend of plastic surgery. He’s also known for changing his hair color every year for the Games as well. In the first book, his hair is blue. In the second, it’s lavender. Not to mention, he also interviews the tributes as well and tries to calm their public speaking fears so they don’t lose sponsors.

HG-FRance

For his obnoxious personality, I decided to go with “Cabaret” from the eponymous musical. Now this song is played near the end, where everything is basically going to shit. I mean the two leads break up and it’s imminent that Germany is changing for the worse (I mean it takes place in the early 1930s so what do you expect?). For the Hunger Games version, I have Caesar Flickerman talk about how he interviews tributes and how the Capitol views them as a festive occasion. Yes, it’s rather disturbing but c’mon, the Capitol’s views on the Hunger Games are, for God’s sake. Also, Caesar Flickerman needs his own song.

 

“Come See the Hunger Games”

Sung by Caesar Flickerman

 

Claudius Templesmith:

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls

Welcome to the 74th Hunger Games

And now, once again, Caesar Flickerman

 

Caesar Flickerman:

What good is sittin’ alone in your room

Come see some poor teens slay,

Come see the Hunger Games, old chum

Come see the Hunger Games.

Put down that knittin’, the book and the broom

Time for a holiday,

Come see the Hunger Games, old chum

Come see the Hunger Games.

Come see the tributes, come see the parade

Come see the slaughter, start celebratin’

Right this way, the arena’s watin’

No use permittin’ a prophet of doom

Wipe every smile away, yes

Come see the Hunger Games, old chum

Come see the Hunger Games!

 

I am your dear emcee known as Caesar

I’ve dyed my hair a different color each year

I try to keep my interviews without a somber

So tributes won’t flub and lose their sponsors

Of course, I try to give each one a chance of winning

Despite nearly half are slaughtered at the beginning

 

But what’s in the arena is such a sight to see

That you never know which tribute leaves

I wonder who will come out of there this year

But perhaps we must begin the Games from here

What good is sittin’ alone in your room

Come see some poor teens slay,

Come see the Hunger Games, old chum

Come see the Hunger Games

Put down that knittin’, the book and the broom

Time for a holiday,

Come see the Hunger Games, old chum

So come see the Hunger Games.

And as for me,

As for me,

I’m going to meet these young teens

And hope to set their minds at ease

Start by admitting go cradle to tomb

Isn’t that a longer stay

What good is sittin’ alone in your room

Come see some poor teens slay, yes

Come see the Hunger Games, old chum

It’s only the Hunger Games, old chum

And I love the Hunger Games!

Yes, come see the Hunger Games, old chum

Only the Hunger Games, old chum

So come see the Hunger Games

The Hunger Games: The Musical – “I Don’t Know How to Love Him”

article-2460395-18BE830200000578-884_634x306

Now as in any great musical, you’d have to have a romantic angle. Of course, in the Hunger Games, Katniss doesn’t seem to have much choice in her love life. In fact, if she wanted it, she wouldn’t want to marry and have kids mostly because she doesn’t want to see anyone she loves reaped for the Hunger Games when they’re teenagers. And that did happen to her little sister Prim which is why she volunteered as a tribute. However, Peeta confesses his love for her on national television in order to save her life and under Haymitch’s approval. So this leads to Katniss having to pretend to be in love with him even though they haven’t really interacted much save for the time when he gave her bread and that she’s not sure of her feelings. Not to mention, she thinks Peeta is faking it as well and it doesn’t take until the end when she realizes he wasn’t. In fact, he thought she actually liked him, especially when she was willing to spare his life when she came up with the idea of a joint suicide. And at the end of the first book he’s naturally heartbroken. However, in Catching Fire, Katniss and Peeta now have to fake their romance again for the cameras as well as get married. And they willfully go along with it. Nevertheless, while Peeta certainly loves Katniss and knows it, it’s becomes increasingly apparent that Katniss might actually love Peeta and may not realize it until it’s too late.

Katniss-Peeta-Catching-Fire-the-hunger-games-movie-33405194-455-500

Now for the song explaining Katniss’s feelings, I used “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” from Jesus Christ Superstar. The original depicts Mary Magdalene sorting out her feelings for Jesus, a man who while friendly to her, probably has bigger things on his mind like his impending death. So let’s just say Jesus basically has absolutely no time for an intimate relationship at the moment. But that doesn’t mean Mary Magdalene could have romantic feelings for him even if they don’t go reciprocated. In the Hunger Games version, Katniss has spent considerable time with Peeta to the point she basically had a tough time sleeping without him holding her in his arms. Now if that doesn’t give me indication that she’s clearly interested in him, I don’t know what does. However, she’s not the kind of person who’s aware of her own feelings since she spent so much time hunting and providing for her family. Nevertheless, this song fits and I didn’t change the words much.

 

“I Don’t Know How to Love Him” (Hunger Games Edition)

Sung by Katniss Everdeen

 

I don’t know how to love him,

What to do, how to move him.

I’ve been changed, yes, really changed.

In these past few months when I’ve seen myself

I seem like someone else.

 

I don’t know how to take this

I don’t see why he moves me.

I’m a fraud, I’m just a fraud.

And I’ve sworn off men before.

But now I’ve broke his heart

I’m not so sure.

 

Should I bring him down? Should I scream and shout?

Should I speak of love – let my feelings out?

I never thought I’d come to this – what’s it all about?

 

Don’t you think it’s rather funny

I should be in this position?

I’m the one who’s always been

So calm, so cool, no lover’s fool

Surviving on my own.

He scares me so.

 

I never thought I’d come to this – what’s it all about

 

Yet, now he’s said he loves me

I am lost, I am frightened.

I can’t cope, I just can’t cope.

I’ve turned my head, I’ve backed away,

Not sure I’d want to know –

He scares me so.

I want him so.

I love him so.