NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition) (Second Edition)

Elf on the Shelf

Last year, I did an Elf on the Shelf post showing how naughty Santa’s little spies could be once they’re in the world of children’s homes. And you can bet, these hypocritical elves will be in doing naughty stuff in your home this year while they’re reporting your kids misbehavior to the big guy in the red suit. Yes, they want to make sure your kid certainly qualifies for the “nice list” before they leave your homes on Christmas Eve. But that doesn’t mean they have to be nice since I’ve found plenty of naughty Elf on the Shelf pictures on the Internet and made a whole post with them. Of course, since all my fans have loved last year’s naughty Elf on the Shelf post, I decided to follow up with another one this year. Yes, I know that it can only “move” around when the residents are asleep or when no one is around. But since we have so many naughty elves in so many houses not adhering to behavioral standards, I highly suggest that parents keep an eye on their resident Elf on the Shelf with aid of camera or the Internet. And report whenever the elf is breaching professional conduct. Yes, you’d like to think they’re doing their job but you never know for sure. And by naughty, I don’t mean childish mischief that makes children laugh. No, I mean stuff that would ruin a children show entertainer’s career or something your child won’t be able to watch in a movie below PG-13. So when you see your resident Elf on the Shelf behaving very inappropriately, remember to take a picture, show it on the Internet, and call this hotline to report it to Santa via 1-800-555-BAD-ELF1. Now without further adieu, I bring you more naughty moments from Elves on the Shelves behaving very badly. Warning: most of these pictures aren’t for kids and aren’t safe for work.

  1. “Stop right where you are, your money or your life.”

Uh-oh, seems like Grimpleskins is trying to commit a highway robbery near the living room couch. Might be time to buy some toy police to arrest his ass.

2. Aww, Bilbo and Snowflake are snuggling near the Christmas decorations.


Okay, they’re not snuggling. Nothing to see here, kids. Oh, come on, can’t you just keep it in your pants and save it for the North Pole for God’s sake?

3. Seems like little Tommy Tucker’s mishaps have been too much for Nucky to handle.


Why did he have to poison himself? Why? Was that kid really such a brat? Or was the job just too hard?

4. Don’t look now but I think Trimmer has just committed grand theft auto at the Finklesteins.


Boy, someone’s going to get in trouble with the authorities tonight. Man, Trimmer really has no idea what the hell he’s getting into here.

5. And you thought seeing your mommy kissing Santa Claus was a traumatizing childhood experience. You haven’t seen nothing yet.


Oh, yes, Mrs. Robinson, have to cheat on your husband with Clinker here. Just you wait until your hubby and kiddies come home from Christmas shopping for your present.

6. Now what the hell is Bimble Bob doing in leopard underwear and a 1970s pornstache?


No, Bimble Bob, being at the Ellertons home is no way to get some free mustache rides. Seriously, you’re a complete and utter perv.

7. Holy shit, Winklekins, what the hell have you done to Barbie?


Good God, Winklekins, you’re a monster! Burying Barbie out in the yard like that makes you a sick son of a bitch. You’ll pay for this.

8. Seems like Pringle likes to creatively express himself in his artwork.


“All right, Suzie, now show me your tits. Yeah, I’m liking this. Now stay still until I get this down on canvas. It’ll be for my private enjoyment.”

9. Since deer hunting season is around this time, Slinky thought he’d go and grab himself a buck when the Bailey kiddies were in school.


Jesus Christ, he killed Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer! You bastard! Wait until Santa Claus hears about this! Boy, are you gonna be in North Pole jail after this season.

10. Timble is just on the tree to look what’s under the angel’s dress.


Man, you’re a sick elf, Timble. Looking up the tree angel’s dress. Have you no decency?

11. Aww, that’s sweet, Timkins is hanging out with the smurfs.


Holy shit! He’s captured them and is liquifying them to death in a blender! And he doesn’t seem to have an ounce of remorse over doing so.

12. Now that’s nice, Marvel decided to do some Christmas shopping.


And he seems to have made off with Mrs. Pirelli’s purse when she’s looking to buy something for her husband. What an asshole. Someone call security.

13. Seems Darth Vader finds Mittleskins’s lack of faith disturbing.

darth elf

Oh, Mittleskins, what did you do to upset Lord Vader? Well, whatever it is, I’m afraid no one can help you now. Yeah, Vader isn’t a guy who takes mischief lightly.

14. “Sorry, but Glimmer and Freddie have been very naughty lately so I’m the new Elf on the Shelf at the Gregson house this year.”


Yeah, Pebbles somehow had the other two elves taped to the wall by the other toys for their misconduct. But it’s possible that he’s more evil than either of them.

15. Well, it seems that Bella made the front page.


Oh, dear. You mean she’s the one who killed those people with a meat cleaver? Good God, what the hell’s wrong with the North Pole background check system?

16. I think Ollie might have a serious partying problem.


Ollie, how many Jose Cuervos did you have? Yeah, I think you might’ve had enough for one night. Yeah, take a rest will you?

17. I don’t know about you but it seems Dinkles is enjoying his stay at the Henslers a little too much.


Yes, Dinkles, the Henslers might be nice people. But that doesn’t mean you should put yourself in their picture frames. Seriously, you need psychiatric help.

18. It’s said that Randy is a natural when it comes to cars.


Oh, is he going to let air out of the tires. Now that can’t be good. Seriously, he needs to stay out of the garage at all times.

19. “Pour me some Samuel Adams, Woody.”


Hey, Woody, before you pour some Sam Adams to Plinkie through the funnel, may I suggest you call an intervention? I think he might have a drinking problem.

20. “Tonight’s the night, Gnomey, and you will pay for what you did to those flamingos on the front yard. Yes, you will.”


Uh, I think Jangles has been watching too much Dexter lately. Yeah, I think murdering a gnome for vigilante justice is taking things a little too far.

21. Seems like Crinkler got himself into the Westons’s bathroom medicine cabinet.


Uh, Crinkler, those aren’t candy. Those are medicines, possibly coming from a prescription. They’re not for you.

22. Hey, looks like Santa has come down from the North Pole to play some games with Zippy.


Unfortunately, the game in question is beer pong, which isn’t good for your liver. Yeah, these two are going to be wasted by sunrise.

23. Okay, Finney, you really shouldn’t be getting into Mr. and Mrs. Templeton’s things.


And it seems that Finney is really messing up with the Trojans by sticking pins through them. Yeah, you probably shouldn’t do that and I’m sure Mr. and Mrs. Templeton won’t appreciate it.

24. Quick, seems like Mr. Clavier needs to be in the ER ASAP. His finger won’t stop bleeding.


Oh, my God, how could you do this, Brumpet? You’re a sick elf all right. I think the family might need to talk to Santa about this incident.

25. Of course, Rimple can be quite a fatalist at times.


Let’s hope whatever Rimple said on the toilet roll doesn’t pertain to murder or the apocalypse. Yeah, he’s not quite right in the head to get my drift.

26. Whenever he’s not spying on the Falkner children, Handy likes to enjoy himself at the local club.


Unfortunately, it’s the place with the pole dancing Barbie strippers. And when he has more dough, it’s said that he even pays for lap dances.

27. “The best thing about being at a girl’s house is that you can get plenty of tail.”


“Yes, Betty, that’s a nice rack you have. Now, ladies, let’s get down to business. Please don’t keep me waiting till Christmas Eve because I want my presents early this year.”

28. Tony’s favorite room in the house is the kitchen and his favorite part is the knife block.


Oh, I really have a bad feeling about this. I think Tony just might have murder on the mind by the looks of it.

29. Oh, dear God, Hanny just totaled the Barbie car!

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Oh, shit, now he needs some medical attention, if he’s still alive. He should’ve been looking both ways before the vacuum rammed into him.

30. Of course, when Mr. Harris went to work the next morning, his co-workers couldn’t stop laughing at his new haircut.


No, Mr. Harris, your barber didn’t mess up this time. Trust me. Your wife could swear it was certainly Brimbles did it while you were sleeping.

31. Of course, Flicker likes to surf the net from time to time.


Yeah, if your browser history is unusually filled with elf porn, you might need to call Santa. Then again, I’m sure there aren’t elf women like that at the North Pole anyway.

32. In his spare time, Trinkles loves to look inside the neighbors’ windows.


Let’s hope he’s not watching from the parents’ room. Because that would basically make him a peeping tom. Yeah, I think everyone deserves privacy now and then.

33. Seems like Trippy is a bit buzzed at the moment.


Yeah, I’m sure Mrs. Gillespie will be very impressed by you doing cocaine on her kitchen counter, Trippy. She’ll probably call the cops and tell them all about it. Wouldn’t that be nice?

34. Looks like Santa and Sam the Snowman are really taking to Himey.


Is he doing to Santa what I think he’s doing? And what the hell is Sam the Snowman? Oh, never mind. Still, this is just so disturbing on multiple levels.

35. Oh, shit, now Mrs. Flenderson’s gingerbread Christmas village is destroyed. What’s she going to do?


And ti seems like Dinkler here just had to get some gingerbread to wreck everything. How nice. And he seems to have a little grin on his face.

36. When Pauly is at the Nichols’ place, he occasionally likes to film some home movies before returning to the North Pole on Christmas Eve.


Unfortunately, he tends to have very terrible taste in quality entertainment. And as you see, he’s one sick and twisted individual. Yeah, I’m sure Santa will be pleased (sarcasm).

37. Looks like Trinkles got in some sort of trouble in Lego Land recently.


I’m not sure what Trinkles did to be tied down by the Lego people. But whatever it is, I’m sure the Lego people viewed it pretty serious.

38. Don’t look now but it seems that the Boss Elf has been tied down at the moment.


And tied down, I’m not kidding to say the least. Yes, Hermy has tied him down with some string and duck tape. And he plans to flatten him with a rolling pin. This can’t be good.

39. Here’s Timmy with Mr. Wilson. Wonder what went on there?


Did Timmy just murder Mr. Wilson in the kitchen and took a selfie? Seriously, that is just sick! Yeah, might want to call the authorities.

40. Uh, Phil, I’m afraid those aren’t craft supplies or weapons.


I think those might be tampons. I’m positive. And no, Phil, they’re not for you to play with. Seriously, it’s a personal item.

41. Aww, Crystal is making paper snowflake decorations. Isn’t that sweet?


Okay, now a paper snowflake can have many designs. Now those look like a massive waste of paper because they’re too inappropriate for children to see.

42. Of course, since it’s legal in Colorado, Perry thought he’d just sample some local bong.


Yeah, pot might be legal in Colorado. But that doesn’t mean you should smoke some bong while you’re watching the Griggs’ children during the holiday season.

43. “Okay, tell me what the combination is or I’ll waterboard you some more.”


Uh, can someone give Blitzer the memo that enhanced interrogation techniques don’t work like they do in Hollywood? Just saying. Also, someone should call Santa over this.

44. Nice to see that Ginger is a real bookworm. Wonder what she’s reading this year?


Oh, she’s reading the Fifty Shades Trilogy. Yeah, not the kind of book I’d expect from an Elf on the Shelf.

45. I think Mrs. Lopez might want to check her underwear drawer at the moment.


Yeah, I think Plinko might be a bit of a perv or have some sort a fetish. Wonder if it’s because looking at his fellow lady elves’ underwear makes him look way too creepy to his peers.

46. Looks like Jasper likes to take candy cane by the spoonful.


Wait a minute, he’s doing crack, right? Okay, I think this guy really needs help because that stuff is highly addictive.

47. “Okay, all of you, on Christmas Eve, you’re going to the North Pole with me.”


Okay, is it just me or is Flaker making some side money on toy figure trafficking? Someone might want to call the Toyland authorities on this guy along with Santa.

48. “I’ve got you now, Chicago Bears nutcracker, any last requests until I light you into a stove top bonfire?”


“Sorry, bub, but I just happen to be a Greenbay Packers fan, thank you very much. Now let’s light ’em so to speak.”

49. Seems like Trinket has created his own sleigh with reindeer.


Sorry, but making a sleigh from a case and beer cans isn’t really appropriate for a family Christmas. Also, there aren’t 12 reindeer and they all don’t have red noses.

50. Uh-oh, seems like there may be some mishap with the peanut butter.


Now that doesn’t look good. Yeah, dog licking Bringle’s ass while he’s on the snow globe. Nothing to see here, kids.

51. “I’d just love me some Malibu Barbie during the holiday season.”


Of course, Ningle’s idea of a Malibu Barbie is some Malibu rum and a bunch of Barbies in a blender. Now that’s just sick.

52. Seems like Boba Fett has a bounty for Jabba the Hutt.


Well, at least Icky didn’t get frozen in carbonite. Then again, what’s going for him can’t be great either.

53. “All right! Tell me which list I’m on this year and whether I’m getting a new Xbox for Christmas! And I better be on the nice list or I’ll get totally naughty on your ass if I’m not!”

elf waterboard

Apparently, Quinty seemed to have given some boy’s soldier doll some wrong ideas about Christmas. And he’s basically gone full action movie commando on his ass.

54. Well, as they say, when you gotta go, you gotta go.


Interesting how they tend to defecate chocolate chips. Still, would it be disgusting if I scooped some from the candle and ate it? Probably.

55. “All right, Biggles, tell me where Santa’s money is if you want to live!”


Of course, Biggles might be damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t in this situation. Still, this is just so hard to see.

56. Well, Winkyskins seems to have fallen onto the kitchen floor this time.


And he seems to be wielding a big ass knife. Guess Winkyskins wasn’t as right in the head as we thought.

57. Don’t worry, I’m sure Hinky will help you make the cookies.


Looks like Hinky must have the grizzly shits real bad this time that he’s pooping Hershey’s kisses. Yeah, seems very unappetizing does it?

58. Oh, my God, Trinky, what the hell have you done to your face?


Hey, is that the Mike Tyson tattoo Stu got from the Hangover 2? Yeah, really not a good idea if you ask me.

59. “I’m sure nobody will know the difference if I wash this toothbrush in toilet water.”


Let’s just say if you knew knew your toothbrush was immersed in toilet water, you’d probably get another one. Yeah, it’s pretty gross to brush your teeth after your toothbrush has been through that.

60. “I’ll just trim Rover’s claws with these cutters I’ve found in the garage.”


I think Rover might wake up in the process if Triggles isn’t too careful. Still, clipping claws really not a good idea.

61. Hmmm…Trigger is making some tootsie rolls.


Oh, so that’s how they’re made. Makes me never want to eat a tootsie roll again. Yeah, really gross if you think about it.

62. “Sorry, Barbie, but you’ll be dead when that train runs over you.”


I think the train might be a little too small to run Barbie over. I mean it’s all a matter of weight ratios here.

63. Oh, my God, Tinkler’s been dissected.


Okay, now that’s not cool. Seriously, that’s just downright creepy. Sorry, kids, but he won’t be back next Christmas season.

64. Holy shit, Jangles killed Elmo! That bastard!


Yeah, I’m sure Jangles is going to be in big trouble. I mean there’s a Hulk down below. And you don’t want to get Hulk angry.

65. “Sorry, Gussy, but I’ll have to tape you to a cabinet this time. And no, I won’t let you say anything.”


Of course, I can understand Buzz taping the elf to the cabinet. Sorry, but Gussy kind of gives me the creeps if you ask me.

66. “Oh, no, not the buttons! Not the gumdrop buttons!”


And he just had to behead the Gingerbread Man. Still, didn’t know that they bled. Wasn’t expecting that.

67. “Of course, bath time ain’t fun unless you get psycho.”


Yes, Gringy just had to behead 2 Barbies and strangle Bell with a shower hose. Now that’s just lovely. Actually, that’s disturbing.

68. “Et tu, Brute?”


Let me guess, the dead elf is Julius Caesar, right? How can I guess? Also, shouldn’t the other two Ken dolls also have knives?

69. “All right, Gracie, now you’ve used your lotion long enough!”


Man, seems like Inky has put Gracie in a real shitty hostage situation. Really should tell Santa about that. Seriously, you should.

70. Trinker always loves it whenever Barbie goes in the shower.


Boy, is he such a perv and a peeping tom. Let’s hope when Ken gets home, he’s going to nail Trinker’s ass to kingdom come.

71. “I’m sure she didn’t see me robbing her jewelry box.”


Sorry, but a nylon stocking doesn’t construe facial features. That’s just a fact. Also, I’m sure those jewels aren’t as worth as much as Hinkle thinks. I bet any money on that.

72. “All dressed up in my glow bracelets and ready to rave.”


Of course, Jinxer is bound to return totally high on ecstasy and totally wasted on alcohol. Then again, he’s probably just wearing glow stick bracelets. But still.

73. Of course, when you get up in the morning, you should always check your coffee.


This is especially true when Gwinnet puts laxatives in Mr. Tishel’s morning coffee. Sorry, Mr. Tishel, but probably don’t have diarrhea.

74. “What do you think I should do? Should one of us kill him?”


Wonder what Klinky did now that made the nutcracker soldiers tape him to a panel and guard him. Must have been pretty bad if you ask me.

75. “He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny… He looks like a pink nightmare!”


Well, wouldn’t anyone who’s not a 4-6 year old girl? Seriously, I think this is fairly demented if you ask me.

76. “All right, now light ’em up.”


Hmm….Ingles is smoking a cigarette. Now that’s a naughty elf. Hope he likes to have his lungs full of tar and an early death to lung cancer.

77. Okay, what did Gringie just do to deserve this? Because this looks really bad.


Of course, he should note that Han shot first. Just so you know. Still, I wouldn’t think being held over from a gas burner as very pleasant.

78. “Looks, I’m going to party with some of the hot, drunk elf ladies. Man, it’s going to be great.”


Yeah, what a sick and twisted elf Tringletoes is. And you think he’s an upstanding because he has to report naughty things on kids to Santa. What a hypocrite.

79. “Hey, I didn’t know they have pay-per-view here. I’d like to see what titles they have here. Like to see some naked elf girls.”


Man, Belmer really has a dirty imagination if you ask me. You have to wonder if they have such smut all the time at the North Pole nowadays.

80. “Wonder what Mrs. McElroy would think if I just happened to flush her tic-tacs down the toilet.”


Uh, Hanky, I really don’t think those are tic-tacs. Definitely not tic-tacs. And I’m sure Mrs. McElroy is bound to be pissed when she finds out.

Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Christmas Vintage Advertising of Yesterday (Second Edition)


Once again, Black Friday is upon us again to kick off the official Christmas season. Of course, everyone seems to be well aware of it since businesses tend to advertise the freaking shit out of it. But as last year, I stayed true to my vow and decided that I wasn’t going to do any Christmas stuff until after Thanksgiving. And I have kept it, thank you very much. Now since many of my previous Christmas posts received a ton of views over the last year, I decided to do some second editions for a few of them such as vintage advertising, Elf on the Shelf, treats, albums covers, and sweaters. However, I plan to have some new stuff as well like Christmas crafts and possibly Christmas village sets. Of course, since the holiday season has been greatly commercialized, there are no shortage of advertising. And yes, it’s annoying as hell, especially when you see it earlier in November or before Thanksgiving. Now the olden days certainly had their share of ads as well whether they be for food, decorations, gifts, or whatever. Now you might think that Christmas ads were more wholesome and adorable. However, as I find out through Google Search and Pinterest, that’s not the case. Those who wish to spend early Christmas season fun at home can sit back and relax as I show you a treasure trove of old holiday ads your grandparents don’t want you to know ever existed.

  1. Ladies, be your own Santa this year with your very own Formfit bra.

Okay, the woman wearing nothing but her bra is one thing. However, I think the marionette Santa is even creepier.

2. Santa wishes you a wishfull treefull of Chesterfields this Christmas.


Yes, Santa decorate an entire Christmas tree with cigarette packs. Seriously, do you really want the kids to have a lot of health problems due to first or secondhand smoke?

3. Rest assured, Santa, she’ll love you for getting Mojud.


I don’t know about you. But from how I see Santa with the nightie, he’s going to be on the naughty list this Christmas. At least when Mrs. Claus finds out. Seriously, Santa is a perv.

4. This Christmas, get yourself a Jantzen figure.


Of course, it’s her turn to play sexy Santa this year. Still, Gladys found out it was better to do it without the creepy Santa mask.

5. Beat the Christmas rush with Bell Telephone system.


Wonder who’s going to rescue the people who are hanging from them? I have no idea why they don’t have any emergency vehicles standing by. Also, I’m sure that sailor will be dead if he falls from the wires.

6. From the Baldwin Clothier Boy’s Department, here’s a book on Christmas stories.


Kind of interested on the story of Duke Pineapple. Wonder if he’s the main antagonist of the early 20th century edition of Fruit Ninja. Or maybe the illustrator was on too much absinthe.

7. I wish I was a reindeer so I can dress like a Christmas tree and spread good cheer in six different flavors.


Not sure if the reindeer is happy with having 6 different jello dishes hanging from his antlers. Also, I’m sure reindeer don’t eat jello at all. They’re more into grass.

8. An Air Way sanitizer is as beautiful as anything under the tree.


Actually that’s not what I’d call beautiful in any respect. Kind of looks like some drink dispenser or a squared Sputnik if you ask me.

9. Nothing makes your kiddies happier in the 1950s than a real Roy Rogers Christmas.


All it costs are some of your parents’s money and your dad’s sense of dignity. Sorry, but playing the part of Trigger is part of being a dad during the 1950s.

10. Why be irritated this Christmas when you can smoke Old Gold?


Uh, I think I’d rather help him by putting up the tree first if I were you, lady. Lighting a cigarette when the tree’s fallen over him is just a fire hazard waiting to happen.

11. This Christmas everyone is shouting about Textron menswear.


So I guess in these pjs, grown men can spend Christmas morning playing cowboys, Indians, and derogatory Indian stereotypes. Also, cowboys riding tricycles as well. And the kid is reading a book.

12. From this Christmas on, make your own movies with the Cine Kodak Eight.


“Now we can use this to spy on our neighbors and see what their combination is to that big freaking safe they have in their house. You thinking what I’m thinking?”

13. Give your loved one a special gift this Christmas: a toilet seat for 5.95.


Now really? Who the hell would be happy getting a toilet seat on Christmas? This is a terrible present for God’s sake. Seriously, why?

14. Don’t know what to give anyone for Christmas? How about some Weed tire chains?


Yes, I’m sure tire chains would make a wonderful Christmas gift. Well, for someone who has no idea how to snow proof their cars. Then again, it’s not the kind of present you’d give to anyone.

15. Santa’s elves are always busy in their workshops making appliances?


Okay, this can’t be right. Aren’t elves are supposed to make toys for kids? Not appliances for their parents for God’s sake. Seriously, what 6 year old kid asks Santa for a waffle iron?

16. This Christmas, visit your loved ones via the Chesapeake and Ohio lines.

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Don’t like the look on Santa’s face on this one. Looks like he’s about to pull some cruel prank on these cat and kittens. Like spiking the milk with laxative or something like that.

17. Give your loved ones the gift of comfort this Christmas like a hot water bottle from Wearever.


To be fair, they didn’t have the kind of heating technology we do. However, I don’t think anyone uses hot water bottles anymore, save in cartoons. Also, looks like the kind of gift you’d give your co-worker secret Santa.

18. Give artistic Cinderella magic this Christmas with Rogers lacquer.


Yeah, nothing makes a great Christmas gift than a can of paint varnish. Seriously, that’s what you get in a hardware store, not a Christmas gift.

19. Why have one Santa in your ad when you can have 2?


Now these Santas certainly look different. One is taller and has glasses. Yet, both seem to think that vacuum cleaners make great Christmas gifts for women. As a woman, I find this ad appallingly insulting. Seriously, I loathe vacuum cleaners.

20. Give your wife a kitchen appliance for Christmas from Frigidaire.


Seems like Santa really spent a fortune on that stove, dishwasher, and refrigerator. Still, since when is it her kitchen? It’s their kitchen. It’s their house. Appliances shouldn’t be promoted as gifts for women but for the whole family. Because everyone uses them.

21. Sorry, reindeer, but Santa is updating his sleigh this year to gasoline powered.


Seems like the reindeer union might vote to go on a stampede in Santa’s garage. Yeah, that’s no union at the North Pole I want to mess with. But if your livelihood is in jeopardy, you gotta do what you gotta do.

22. Christmas is the best time of year to get tires because it’s always the year after next that counts.


And it seems that this guy might either need to hit the gym or buy a new Santa suit. Then again, it’s probably worn out. Still, love the look on this wife’s face.

23. When it comes to reading letters from kids, Santa likes to kick back with some White Rock ginger ale and scotch for his scotch and soda.


So, kiddies, don’t be surprised if your letter from Santa sounds about as incomprehensive as your drunk uncle’s Thanksgiving rant. Santa is just very drunk at the moment.

24. Give Mom a break this Christmas with a Hotpoint dishwasher.


Wonder how much this family eats considering the quantity of dishes takes up a whole wall. Seriously, no family has that many dirty dishes.

25. Give a special smoker in your life a White Briar pipe this Christmas by Kaywoodie.


I don’t know about you, but Kaywoodie is a terrible name for a pipe company. Yeah, I can expect the giggles from that one.

26. A Health-O-Meter scale is a Christmas gift with a lift.

1958 Health-O-Meter Ad Christmas fb

Okay, if someone on your wish list didn’t ask for a scale, you shouldn’t get one. Seriously, it might make a receiver wonder whether you think they’re fat. This is especially true for man giving gifts to their girlfriends, fiancees, or wives.

27. For heartburn relief during the holidays, try some Alka-Seltzer.


I don’t know about you but Speedy the Alka-Seltzer kid just seems straight out of my nightmares. I wouldn’t trust him with what he has.

28. For Christmas, Avon Cosmetics are a joy to give and a joy to receive.


It’s also quite interesting that one of these cosmetics is stored in a golden banana shaped bottle. It just makes me scratch my head for a moment.

29. Usher’s Green Stripe is a 1853 Christmas original.


Now these pictures are so creepy. Well, at least the Victorian kid and the Roman with grapes. Yeah, don’t want to be near them.

30. Keep dry like the English this holiday season with Gordon’s Gin.


Of course, this basically says that the Brits usually spend the holiday season rip roaring drunk on gin, which is the worst alcoholic beverage on the planet. Still, given Britian’s problem with binging, this doesn’t reflect well on the country.

31. Decorate your Christmas tree this year with Noma lights.


Yes, I know the Santa baby is supposed to be adorable. But to me, there’s just something about this cherubic demon child that terrifies me down to the core.

32. This Christmas, deck the halls of your home with easy to make decorations with Styrofoam.


You the packing material stuff that never biodegrades that you can find almost anywhere. Well, you can make decorations with that.

33. Remember that the prettiest Christmas dollies use Scotch hair set tape.


When I see a woman with tape on her face like this, I don’t think I’d brush it off as a decorative enhancement. Hell, I’d wonder whether she needs to leave her boyfriend and file a restraining order. That doesn’t look good.

34. Promise me, Santa, that you’ll take care of my underwear needs from Frederick’s.


Now calling Santa to give you lingerie is one thing. But this woman looks like she’s in the mood for more than just lingerie. I mean look at her suggestive sexy eyes.

35. Be clear and fresh this Christmas with Ivory soap.


Yes, I know this little kid is supposed to look so cute and innocent. But for some reason, she doesn’t even look real and perhaps a bit creepy.

36. Even Santa Clause eats Cream of Wheat for breakfast.


And in this ad, Santa has just alienated one of his big demographics such as black children. Seriously, Rastah is a racist caricature for God’s sake.

37. Webster Cigars makes a great gift for important men.

Bad Vintage Christmas Ads (16)

I bet lady sitting here’s like, “How much longer do I have to endure this dinner sitting next to that douche? Why did I have to spend Christmas with my boyfriend’s family this year instead of taking a plane home to see my folks? Why, sweet Jesus, Why?”

38. Is your child a bed wetter? Then this Christmas, we can help them stop.


Now this is just really insulting. Yes, kids wet the bed at some point in their childhood. But really should there be an ad shaming kids that do? Probably not.

39. Santa Claus would like to wish a, “Big Ho” to Westward Ho Fruit Growers Cooperative.

4 R

Of course, nowadays, “Big Ho” has a very different and inappropriate meaning. Yeah, it’s actually very unintentionally funny to once you reach a certain age or start listening to Hip-Hop music.

40. Want to please your lady this Christmas? Buy her a toaster.


Yeah, buy your woman a toaster and she’ll love you for it. Even if she doesn’t ask for one and wants you to give her a gold necklace instead. Now this ad is just plain sexist.

41. This Christmas, get your lady a Bissell “Cyco” Bearing Carpet Sweeper.


I don’t know about you. But Santa doesn’t seem to be on the jolly side here. Seems to be telling the woman to accept this great sweeper and she’d like it or else he’d ram his sleigh and reindeer into her house.

42. Cherish your Christmas moments with your family with this Kodak camera.


Yes, the girl is supposed to be cute and innocent. But for some reason, I sense some evil in her soulless eyes as if she’s strangling the little doll with her chubby fingers.

43. Some people just can’t wait to open their Christmas presents under the tree.


Yes, I know plenty of men like beer. But that doesn’t mean you should give your man box with 24 cans. And if he opens it before Christmas, it might mean that he has a drinking problem.

44. Santa says that electricity is cheap so use more of it, courtesy of Carolina Power & Light Company.


Yes, electricity is great. However, fossil fuel use is not. So perhaps it’d be better to conserve electricity and save energy. Besides, isn’t Santa’s home being threatened by a little thing called climate change? Yeah, I think he should know better.

45. For fair feminine skin this holiday season use Hinds Almond and Honey Cream.


Now I don’t know which is scarier in this. Santa looks pretty terrifying as is. But I think the little girls might just kill him if he doesn’t give them the dolls they wanted.

46. For Santa, Christmas is all about “give and take.”


You see, kids, that wasn’t your dad raiding the fridge on Christmas Eve. That was Santa who ate the turkey before refreshing himself with a bottle of Coca-Cola. Yes, Santa just wants to raid your fridge in exchange for presents.

47. For Christmas, give something useful like Colgate products.


Unless you’re a dentist or have close association with one, I’m not sure Colgate products make good Christmas gift ideas. Seriously, they make toothpaste for God’s sake. Besides, nobody wants to receive a toothbrush for Christmas.

48. Hallmark Christmas cards are always a great idea, now featuring artwork from the Right Honourable Sir Winston Churchill.


Yes, Churchill led Britain during WWII. But would you really buy a Christmas card with one of his paintings? Also, kind of looks a bit skeevy here like he really needs cash at the moment.

49. For the skier in your life, Chesterfield is the ideal cigarette for them.


Now I know skiing might be great exercise. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep your lungs free from tar and nicotine while on the slopes. Because if you don’t ruin your body in a ski accident, you’ll sure ruin it through smoking cigarettes I assure you.

50. This Christmas don’t miss the fun of smoking with Pall Mall.


Yes, don’t miss the fun of smoking and enjoy the thrills of respiratory problems, cancer, cardiovascular disease, premature aging, yellow skin, and early death. Actually, this Christmas I encourage you to miss the fun of smoking because its side effects aren’t very fun at all.

51. Only Santa Claus wouldn’t enjoy this Remington Rolectric this Christmas.


Yeah, Santa doesn’t seem to be very happy with getting a razor for his Christmas present. He’ll probably regift it to Mrs. Claus, hoping she’d use it to shave her legs.

52. May all your dreams come true this Christmas, courtesy of Marlboro.


Of course, since we’re talking about Marlboro, the tobacco company hopes that your dreams don’t consist of living a long and healthy life. Also, Santa smoking a cigarette, really not setting a great example for the kids. Bad, Santa.

53. Treat your son right this Christmas by giving him a 22 from Winchester.


Now this ad gives dads advice on what to tell their wives when they give their boy’s a Winchester. From the ad: “Suppose you want to give a Winchester 22 to your 12-year-old. But the wife says, “It’s too dangerous now. Wait till he’s older.” What do you tell her? First, tell her exactly why you think a boy should learn to handle guns early. Tell her he may not get a chance later. And too many kids grow up thinking guns are toys. Tell her a boy’s hankering to shoot and go hunting is perfectly normal. Something he’s born with. A part of his American tradition….” Oh, God, give me freaking break.

54. Want a gun this Christmas? Remington has got you covered.


Because no Christmas present says “Peace on Earth” than something that was designed to kill. Seriously, guns aren’t toys and are terrible Christmas presents.

55. Old Gold Cigarettes are bound to make any man look sexy this Christmas.


However, remember that the sexiness isn’t guaranteed to last if he smokes enough of them. Because he sure won’t look like this in the hospital dying of lung cancer.

56. Give underwear to your family this Christmas with Fruit of the Loom.


Now this has to be one of the most awkward Christmas photos I’ve ever seen. What’s even stranger is how everyone seems so chill with hanging around in their underwear.

57. Make this Christmas safe with Pyrene.


Okay, this looks very scary if you ask me. For one, the guy is totally freaking me out. Second, why the Christmas tree look like it’s on fire? Oh, it’s for a fire extinguisher. That makes sense. But why are the mom and kid so close to it? That’s not safe. Seriously, they need to back away.

58. Remember there are plenty of Christmas gifts made from Reynolds Aluminum.


Still, it seems like Mickey, Donald, and Dumbo get all the nice gadgets and toys while Daisy and Minnie are stuck with kitchen appliances. I’d rather get a camera or a TV than a fridge, stove, or waffle iron.

59. Want your wife to love you more? Give her a dishwasher this Christmas.


From Diply: “‘She’ll love you every time she does the dishes.’ Really? Maybe, she’ll just hold in her resentment and unleash it later.” Then again, it beats washing them in the sink. But appliances should be for the whole family.

60. For your men and boys, give the gift that lasts like Atkins “Silver Steel” Saws.


Because men certainly love a saw with a sharp blade to cut wood with. Of course, the fact psychokillers use them is only coincidental.

61. Be his Christmas star with fashions from Frederick’s of Hollywood.


Yes, bursting out of a Christmas present in a sexy gold dress and cone bra will certainly make you his Christmas star indeed. However, I’m not sure if that woman wants to be a Christmas star to the pervy guy ogling at her. That might just be a routine of hers at the Kit Kat Club.

62. Contemplate your future this holiday season with a Ouija board.


From Buzzfeed: “Really? She’s hearing from a spirit and all she can think to ask is “who’s Debbie date for the prom”!” Yeah, that’s a pretty stupid question along with “Shall I become a model or fashion designer?”

63. This Christmas treat him like a millionaire with BVD pajamas and being his servant.


I’m pretty sure this guy can take off his own slippers. But he seems too much of a douche to do so and makes his wife handle it. Jerk.

64. For the girl in your life, give her Cutex nail polish.


From Buzzfeed: “Just what every girl wants for Christmas: A drug store brand nail polish from her boyfriend.” Yeah, I’m sure no girl is vying for drug store brand nail polish this time of year.

65. Be a real Santa Claus to the wife this Christmas by giving her this washing machine.


Now I’m sure we don’t use those kinds of washing machines nowadays. Still, sexist as hell? I’ll say.

66. Tell him how lovely you are this Christmas with a new holiday party dress.


From Buzzfeed: “If you need a party dress to tell your man how “lovely you are,” then you’ve got bigger problems.” Yeah, your own insecurity. Seriously, if a man can’t see how lovely you are without a party dress, then he won’t if you’re in one.

67. Remember, fellas, nothing says romance than giving your special lady a Hoover for Christmas.


Any boyfriend who gives me a Hoover for Christmas, I swear to God, I will burst into an uncontrollable rage never seen from the depths of hell. To my future husband: a better present would be vacuuming my place when I’m away so I won’t have to deal with the freaking noise. I hate vacuum cleaners!

68. Fellas, when woman gets a recliner, she can get 2 Christmas presents at once.


From Buzzfeed: “So this is TWO Christmas gifts that she apparently doesn’t get to enjoy.” Unfortunately, yes, as a matter of fact. Then again, I think my grandparents might have a chair like this in their house.

69. Do away with a tired and thirsty face this Christmas with Coca Cola.


Now the tired face Santa just removed is just freaky to say the least. Seriously, how did the designer think this was a good idea? I mean why?

70. Nothing makes a great Christmas gift for the kids than a Glad trash bin.


Yeah, I’m sure any kid would be smiling with pride over getting their very own trash bin for Christmas. Seriously, this is a horrible present, especially for children. Also, this one is from France.

The Hunger Games: The Musical – “Katniss’s Soliloquy”


Note: This post might contain spoilers. So if you haven’t read the books or seen the films up to Mockingjay Part 2, then you shouldn’t be viewing this. Because it might ruin the whole thing for you.

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During the course of Mockingjay, while Katniss becomes a symbol of a revolution, she has plenty of psychological baggage catching up to her. Now Katniss wasn’t altogether there in the beginning since she lost her father at 11 years old and was too busy trying to support her family through poaching to grow up as a fully functioning human being. After she and Peeta win the Hunger Games, she’s already suffering with PTSD by Catching Fire and is forced to keep chugging as other characters decide that she’s too important to whatever is going on to be allowed to recover from shell shock. This gets exacerbated at every given opportunity whether it be the Quarter Quell or the rebellion. And boy, does she suffer since she has to deal with things like friends dying, her hometown bombed, war and destruction, getting wounded, Peeta’s hijacking, betrayal, and so much more.


For a parody on this state, I decided to use “Jean Valjean’s Soliloquy” from Les Miserables (it’s a great musical, I know). Now in the original Jean Valjean struggles with his worldview and how the bishop he robbed is the first person who’s ever been kind to him since he’s been on parole for stealing a loaf of bread. This even to the point when the bishop forgives him for stealing his silver. This leads him to take another path of life and break his parole. In the Hunger Games version, I had it set up at Snow’s scheduled execution after Snow tells Katniss that he didn’t bomb the Capitol in an attack that  killed children and her sister Prim (when it really looked like it). Why? Because the Capitol didn’t have the bombs to conduct such an attack at that scale. And that he’d have no reason to kill Capitol civilians other than as collateral damage. Not to mention, Katniss is seeing how evil Coin truly is since she tried to get her killed and wanted another Hunger Games with Capitol children. This leaves Katniss to snap and kill Coin.


“Katniss’s Soliloquy”

Sung by Katniss Everdeen


What have they done?

Sweet Jesus, what have they done?

Bombed the Capitol at night,

Blew up a bunch of children

Have they fallen so far,

And is the hour so late

That nothing remains but the cry of my hate,

The cries in the dark that nobody hears,

Here is where I stand at the ruined city here?


Was there another way to go

That didn’t lead to so many to go

My life was a war that could never be won

They made me a symbol of their revolution

But Coin wanted power and wanted me dead

For seeing me as a personal threat


Yet, how can I even forget

How that explosion killed my Prim?

An innocent like any other

She harmed no one

Nor one or another

She was girl who inspired love

Why did she die?

The girl I’ve volunteered to protect

Is now gone because I’ve tried


Take an eye for an eye!

Turn your heart into stone!

This is all they have lived for!

This is all they have known!


Always thought the evil to behold

Was only locked inside the Capitol

But Prim’s death was by the rebels

I feel my pain inside me like a knife

How could I side with such a soul,

Did I even know?

Why she wanted to take my life?

Was there another way to go?


I am reaching for my bow

And the crowd is closing in

As I stare at Alma Coin

And her vileness within

Not sure if I can kill Snow now

See my arrow pointing up

I just saw my sister die

And Coin I can’t forgive!

The Hunger Games: The Musical – “Who Am I?”


Note: This post might contain spoilers for those who haven’t read the books or seen the films up to Mockingjay Part 1.


Despite being the main character and the hero of the Hunger Games trilogy, I didn’t have a lot of song parodies for Katniss Everdeen. Perhaps it’s because it’s easier to do parodies for other characters singing about her. Maybe it’s due that Katniss’s story while momentous isn’t really fun by her perspective. I mean she started out as a dirt poor girl from District 12 who volunteered as a tribute for hers sister. Once she won the Hunger Games with Peeta via threatening suicide, she becomes an instant celebrity and an icon that inspires revolts in several districts. And sometime later, she’s made to take part in the Hunger Games again since the 3rd Quarter Quell is an all star edition year. Luckily she escapes to District 13 with some victors. And in the third book, she’s asked to become the Mockingjay symbol of the rebellion (and has little choice whether to accept). Nevertheless, Katniss’s life has changed so much that she’s now unsure who she is anymore.


For a parody on her state of mind at this point, I think “Who Am I?” from Les Miserables might be appropriate. Now the original has Jean Valjean thinking about whether to turn himself in to the court during a trial for a guy who’s identified as him. At this point in the story Jean Valjean is a successful factory owner and mayor of a small French town as well as a changed man. In this song he struggles between abandoning his responsibilities or violating his conscience. However, I think the trial was a scheme by Javert who automatically recognized him when he saved a guy under a cart. Now in the Hunger Games version, I have Katniss singing on whether she should be the Mockingjay and whether she is the same girl she used to be.


“Who Am I?”

Sung by Katniss Everdeen


She wants me as a tool

Should I be the Mockingjay?

Should I accept her offer

Or should I try to get away?


How is my Peeta now?

Should I try to save his life?

Will she agree to my terms

Or will she put him on the knife?


If I consent, I am a tool.

If I turn her down, I am damned!


I can give victors immunity from sentence.

And Peeta’s not free.

How can I abandon them?

How would they live

If I don’t agree?


If I agree, they may be saved

If I turn her down, I am damned!


Who am I?

My name is Katniss Everdeen

I live in District 12 and am 17

I won and was in the Hunger Games

But this year I broke out and escaped

Who am I?

The Capitol despised me for evermore

But can I ever be the girl I was before?

And must I now a symbol be

As a Panem revolutionary?

Must they die?

How can I ever face my fellow men?

How can I ever be myself again?

And how is Peeta, I don’t know

And how he’s doing under Snow?

He gave me hope when hope was gone

He gave me strength to carry on


Who am I? Who am I?

I am the Mockingjay!


And so Coin, you see it’s true

I’ll be your Jay and try to work with you!

Who am I?

Katniss Everdeen!

The Hunger Games: The Musical – “Holding Out for a Hero”


Poor, poor Haymitch. Now this guy can’t catch a break. I mean the guy has been through so much shit in his life that his drinking problem is completely understandable. At 15, he was reaped for the 2nd Quarter Quell where he had 47 to 1 odds as well as killed fellow tributes as well as witnessed some of their deaths. Luckily he won, but his way of winning inflamed Snow so much that he had Haymitch’s mother, brother, and girlfriend killed 2 weeks after his victory. And to make matters worst, prior to the first book, Haymitch had to mentor District 12 tributes for practically all his late teens and his adult life. And before Katniss and Peeta burst onto the scene, no tribute under Haymitch’s care has survived the Hunger Games. Considering this is the Hunger Games, it’s probably safe to say that these 46 tributes died through no fault of his own. I mean it’s a fight to the death for God’s sake.


Now I thought parodying “Holding Out for a Hero” would make a great song for Haymitch who really needs something to be happy about. The original song is from Footloose, expressing longing for a hero. It’s probably romantic in nature and usually addresses a guy. In the Hunger Games version, it’s Haymitch singing to Katniss and Peeta on how he really needs a break in his life.


“Holding Out for a Hero” (Hunger Games Edition)

Sung by Haymitch Abernathy


Why have all my tributes gone

And why they went like sods?

Where’s my street-wise protégé

To fight the rising odds?

Isn’t anyone from 12 who’s a very savvy teen?

Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need



I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the fight

They gotta be strong

And they gotta be fast

And they gotta get out there alive

I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the fight

They gotta be smart

And it’s gotta be soon

And they gotta be larger than life


As the Games approaches

While I try to do my best

So I won’t have to watch both of you

Having a weapon lodged in your chest

Trapped in the arena and up against Careers

It’s gonna take some miracle to get you out of there



I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the fight

They gotta be strong

And they gotta be fast

And they gotta get out there alive

I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the fight

They gotta be smart

And it’s gotta be soon

And they gotta be larger than life


Out in the arena there’s every danger above

When everything’s working against you

I will be following the Games at some place

Watching you


Get out of the Cornucopia fight ASAP

For it’s a quick way to die

If you want my advice

Just try to stay out alive



I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the fight

They gotta be strong

And they gotta be fast

And they gotta get out there alive

I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the fight

They gotta be smart

And it’s gotta be soon

And they gotta be larger than life

The Hunger Games: The Musical – “Come See the Hunger Games”


Now as you know, the Hunger Games is about a televised teenage fight to the death. And for many of the districts, it’s a punishment they’re forced to watch. But for the Capitol, it’s simply high quality entertainment with action, thrills, and drama. Kind of like a reality show if you like to view it that way, albeit a very lethal one. Of course, I couldn’t do Hunger Games musical parodies without including the Hunger Games Master of Ceremonies himself, Caesar Flickerman. Now he’s basically the epitome of every daytime talk show host complete with his ever dazzling white teeth. No one knows how old he is but it’s pretty clear he’s fairly up there thanks to the Capitol trend of plastic surgery. He’s also known for changing his hair color every year for the Games as well. In the first book, his hair is blue. In the second, it’s lavender. Not to mention, he also interviews the tributes as well and tries to calm their public speaking fears so they don’t lose sponsors.


For his obnoxious personality, I decided to go with “Cabaret” from the eponymous musical. Now this song is played near the end, where everything is basically going to shit. I mean the two leads break up and it’s imminent that Germany is changing for the worse (I mean it takes place in the early 1930s so what do you expect?). For the Hunger Games version, I have Caesar Flickerman talk about how he interviews tributes and how the Capitol views them as a festive occasion. Yes, it’s rather disturbing but c’mon, the Capitol’s views on the Hunger Games are, for God’s sake. Also, Caesar Flickerman needs his own song.


“Come See the Hunger Games”

Sung by Caesar Flickerman


Claudius Templesmith:

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls

Welcome to the 74th Hunger Games

And now, once again, Caesar Flickerman


Caesar Flickerman:

What good is sittin’ alone in your room

Come see some poor teens slay,

Come see the Hunger Games, old chum

Come see the Hunger Games.

Put down that knittin’, the book and the broom

Time for a holiday,

Come see the Hunger Games, old chum

Come see the Hunger Games.

Come see the tributes, come see the parade

Come see the slaughter, start celebratin’

Right this way, the arena’s watin’

No use permittin’ a prophet of doom

Wipe every smile away, yes

Come see the Hunger Games, old chum

Come see the Hunger Games!


I am your dear emcee known as Caesar

I’ve dyed my hair a different color each year

I try to keep my interviews without a somber

So tributes won’t flub and lose their sponsors

Of course, I try to give each one a chance of winning

Despite nearly half are slaughtered at the beginning


But what’s in the arena is such a sight to see

That you never know which tribute leaves

I wonder who will come out of there this year

But perhaps we must begin the Games from here

What good is sittin’ alone in your room

Come see some poor teens slay,

Come see the Hunger Games, old chum

Come see the Hunger Games

Put down that knittin’, the book and the broom

Time for a holiday,

Come see the Hunger Games, old chum

So come see the Hunger Games.

And as for me,

As for me,

I’m going to meet these young teens

And hope to set their minds at ease

Start by admitting go cradle to tomb

Isn’t that a longer stay

What good is sittin’ alone in your room

Come see some poor teens slay, yes

Come see the Hunger Games, old chum

It’s only the Hunger Games, old chum

And I love the Hunger Games!

Yes, come see the Hunger Games, old chum

Only the Hunger Games, old chum

So come see the Hunger Games

The Hunger Games: The Musical – “I Don’t Know How to Love Him”


Now as in any great musical, you’d have to have a romantic angle. Of course, in the Hunger Games, Katniss doesn’t seem to have much choice in her love life. In fact, if she wanted it, she wouldn’t want to marry and have kids mostly because she doesn’t want to see anyone she loves reaped for the Hunger Games when they’re teenagers. And that did happen to her little sister Prim which is why she volunteered as a tribute. However, Peeta confesses his love for her on national television in order to save her life and under Haymitch’s approval. So this leads to Katniss having to pretend to be in love with him even though they haven’t really interacted much save for the time when he gave her bread and that she’s not sure of her feelings. Not to mention, she thinks Peeta is faking it as well and it doesn’t take until the end when she realizes he wasn’t. In fact, he thought she actually liked him, especially when she was willing to spare his life when she came up with the idea of a joint suicide. And at the end of the first book he’s naturally heartbroken. However, in Catching Fire, Katniss and Peeta now have to fake their romance again for the cameras as well as get married. And they willfully go along with it. Nevertheless, while Peeta certainly loves Katniss and knows it, it’s becomes increasingly apparent that Katniss might actually love Peeta and may not realize it until it’s too late.


Now for the song explaining Katniss’s feelings, I used “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” from Jesus Christ Superstar. The original depicts Mary Magdalene sorting out her feelings for Jesus, a man who while friendly to her, probably has bigger things on his mind like his impending death. So let’s just say Jesus basically has absolutely no time for an intimate relationship at the moment. But that doesn’t mean Mary Magdalene could have romantic feelings for him even if they don’t go reciprocated. In the Hunger Games version, Katniss has spent considerable time with Peeta to the point she basically had a tough time sleeping without him holding her in his arms. Now if that doesn’t give me indication that she’s clearly interested in him, I don’t know what does. However, she’s not the kind of person who’s aware of her own feelings since she spent so much time hunting and providing for her family. Nevertheless, this song fits and I didn’t change the words much.


“I Don’t Know How to Love Him” (Hunger Games Edition)

Sung by Katniss Everdeen


I don’t know how to love him,

What to do, how to move him.

I’ve been changed, yes, really changed.

In these past few months when I’ve seen myself

I seem like someone else.


I don’t know how to take this

I don’t see why he moves me.

I’m a fraud, I’m just a fraud.

And I’ve sworn off men before.

But now I’ve broke his heart

I’m not so sure.


Should I bring him down? Should I scream and shout?

Should I speak of love – let my feelings out?

I never thought I’d come to this – what’s it all about?


Don’t you think it’s rather funny

I should be in this position?

I’m the one who’s always been

So calm, so cool, no lover’s fool

Surviving on my own.

He scares me so.


I never thought I’d come to this – what’s it all about


Yet, now he’s said he loves me

I am lost, I am frightened.

I can’t cope, I just can’t cope.

I’ve turned my head, I’ve backed away,

Not sure I’d want to know –

He scares me so.

I want him so.

I love him so.

The Hunger Games: The Musical – “Stars”


Of course, I couldn’t do a Hunger Games parody without including Gale Hawthorne. As you probably know Gale is Katniss’s childhood friend and hunting partner. As I said before, Katniss just views him more as a big brother/rebound guy but he’s quite handsome as you can see since he’s played by a Hemsworth. And he doesn’t really do much in the first two books besides poaching to help his family, getting brutally whipped, kissing Katniss, and saving 10% of District 12’s population during the bombings. And in Mockingjay, he distinguishes himself as a badass and intelligent military commander and soldier. However, unlike Katniss and Peeta, Gale has had no experience with direct violence prior to the Second Rebellion, nor has he been forced to kill other people or knows that everyone in the Capitol isn’t a monster. And the fact his hunting instincts lead to him depersonalize people. His impulse to rebel is driven by his hatred for the Capitol and the Hunger Games as well as his desire for revenge and victory at whatever the costs. Now Katniss and he may be similar in personality. But Katniss wonders whether Gale is going too far, particularly when he and Beetee create a bomb that plays on human sympathies by exploding and killing the rescuers. And it’s one of a few moments that drives him and Katniss apart.


Perhaps a good parody I thought for Gale would be ripping off from Les Miserables with “Stars.” Now the original is sung by Javert and basically sums up his philosophy that he is doing the Lord’s work by futile pursuit of Jean Valjean. And he vows that he won’t rest until Jean Valjean whom he thinks is damned for violating parole and stealing bread despite that most cops would have bigger things to worry about. I mean the guy really should be focused on catching other criminals. In the Hunger Games version, I have Gale swear to not stop with the rebellion until there’s victory when President Snow is as good as dead. Nevertheless, it’s a beautiful song despite Russell Crowe ruining it in the movie.


“Stars” (Hunger Games Edition)

Sung by Gale Hawthorne


There, out in the Capitol

A man with a white rose

Smelling of blood

Fallen from grace

All be my witness

I never shall yield

Till we come face to face

Till we come face to face


He knows his way in the dark

Mine is the way of the war

And if we shall win this at whatever the costs

We’ll have our reward

And if some fall

Like District 12 fell

It’s not

Our fault!



In your multitudes

Scarce to be counted

Filling the darkness

With order and light

You are the sentinels

Silent and sure

Keeping watch in the night

Keeping watch in the night


You know your place in the sky

You hold your course and your aim

And each in your season

Returns and returns

And is always the same

And if you fall as District 12 fell

You fall in flame!


And so it must be for so it is written

I’ll say down with the Capitol

And those who stand within our bombs

Must pay the price!


Now let me find him

That I may see him

Deader than dead

I will never rest

Till then

This I swear

This I swear by the stars!

The Hunger Games: The Musical – “District 13’s People”


Note: Since this pertains to District 13, there might be spoilers for those who haven’t seen the movies up to Mockingjay Part 1 or read the books. Just to warn you.


As I’ve said before District 13 was once thought to be destroyed prior to Mockingjay but managed to survive and move underground due to the doctrine of Mutually Assured Destruction. Or in other words, “if you nuke us, we nuke you” kind of thing that might bring upon an apocalypse of sorts. Nevertheless, District 13 specializes in nuclear technology, graphite, and weapons. And while it’s a center of rebellion and refuge as well as extremely welcoming to almost anyone, it’s not a fun place to live. Unfortunately for Katniss and anyone who’s survived the District 12 bombing (which was less than 900 of its residents), they don’t have anywhere else to go. Still, living there is like being on an underground military base, but way less fun and far more restrictive. Yet, on the bright side, they have free education up to 8th grade and all refugees can become citizens. But as far as the good stuff goes. When citizens wake up, they’re given a temporary tattoo for their personalized schedule for the day they must abide and must wear tracking bracelets on wrists. They’re also thrifty and ration food carefully that even a small thing wasted is heavily frowned upon and even minor theft can be punished by detention and/or torture. Oh, and everyone wears the same gray uniforms and sleeps in identical living quarters. Not to mention, it requires everyone to train for the military from age 14 on and everyone is addressed as “Soldier.” And they don’t allow pets either.


For a good parody on life in District 13 would be to rip off from “Knights of the Round Table” from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Now the original was about how Camelot was such a great but silly place to live where they do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impeccable. Living in District 13 is nothing of the sort and I can tell they don’t eat ham and jam and spam a lot. Because they would be punished for it. But I think it would be funny to describe the miserable life of District 13 than in an upbeat and funny song. Because let’s just say their lives are so regimented and dull that they need something to entertain themselves.


“District 13’s People”

Sung by District 13


Katniss: Thirteen.

Finnick: Thirteen.

Haymitch: Thirteen.

Beetee: It’s only a model.

Plutarch: Victors, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to District 13.


District 13:

We’re District 13’s people

We work when e’er we’re able

We’ve strict routines, no chorus scenes

With tracking impeccable

We dine well here in 13

We eat our meals rationed carefully


We’re District 13’s people

Our force is so formidable

Though many times we get assigns

That are quite unbearable

We’re welcoming in 13

We’re really big fans of refugees


In war we’re tough and able

Quite indefatigable

We’re not so heft with waste and theft

And torture the uncontrollable

It’s a busy life in 13

I have to clean up the latrine


Katniss: Well, on second thought,

Let’s not go to 13, it is a silly place.

Gale: Sorry, but there’s no District 12 left.

The Hunger Games: The Musical – “Everything’s Alright”


Now like him or not, I tend to think that Peeta Mellark is one of the more underrated characters in the Hunger Games trilogy. Yes, wilderness survival skills aren’t his strong suit as you see when he’s in the Hunger Games. Yet, you can say the same for the Careers and some of the other tributes like Foxface and a girl from District 3. Nevertheless, while Peeta might be seen as helpless when he’s with Katniss during the Games, we should know that he fought out the Cornucopia bloodbath (where a significant number of tributes get killed), allied with the Careers to keep them from Katniss’s back, and telling the tracker jacker stung Katniss to run for it as he fights Cato (who’s Katniss’s biggest competition), which resulted in him getting stabbed in the leg. However, he’s not as worthless as he looks. Yes, you might think that his crush on Katniss since they were 5 might be a bit obsessive. Still, we have to understand that Peeta spent most of the first book in an utterly hopeless situation. I mean he’s basically forced to take part in an event he’s mentally unsuited for and knows it. And to make matters worse, he’s being forced to kill the girl he loves and took a beating from his mom for just to give her two loaves of burned bread. He knows he can’t kill her to save himself as well as that she stands a better chance to survive than he does. So Peeta decides to accept his fate so he can die on his own terms and make the most of his time left to help Katniss. Thus, Peeta confessed his love for Katniss on national television since it will appeal to the audience and get her sponsors to survive as well as get it out in the open because he figures that he doesn’t have long to live anyway. Let’s just say, he got more than he bargained for from that.


Now for a parody song for him, I took from “Everything’s Alright” from Jesus Christ Superstar. It’s the one where Mary Magdalene is telling Jesus to take some time off and get some rest. Yes, she might seem to fill a love interest role for Jesus but in the world of musical theater, it’s highly unusual for a male protagonist under 40 to not have a love interest or at least someone who’s romantically interested in him. Oh, and you can’t have a musical without a leading lady either. So if you’re doing a musical about Jesus, Mary Magdalene is probably your best bet even if the Lamb of God has too many pressing issues on his mind to even think about romance. For the Hunger Games version, I have it take place in Catching Fire around some time after the Victory Tour. Here Peeta is trying to calm Katniss down since she’s been waking up screaming from nightmares by holding her while she sleeps (though to keep it PG-13, there’s no sex). This soon becomes a nightly routine up until the Quarter Quell. As the book goes on, it becomes rather apparent that Katniss develops feelings for him. However, it’s closer to the end when she realizes it.


“Everything’s Alright” (Hunger Games Edition)

Mostly sung by Peeta Mellark (with some verses by Katniss Everdeen and Gale Hawthorne)


[Peeta Mellark:]

Try not to get worried

Try not to turn on to

Problems that upset you

(oh) Don’t you know

Everything’s alright

Yes everything’s fine

And I want you to sleep well tonight

Let Panem go without you tonight

If we try

We’ll get by

So forget all about us tonight


[Prep Team:]

Everything’s all right

Yes everything’s all right yes


[Peeta Mellark:]

Sleep and I shall soothe you

Calm you and be with you

Hold you within my arms

(oh) Then you’ll feel

Everything’s all right

Yes everything’s fine

My bread is warm and my buns are sweet

For the fire in your head and feet

Close your eyes

Close your eyes

And relax

Think of nothing tonight


[Prep Team:]

Everything’s all right

Yes everything’s all right yes


[Gale Hawthorne:]

Down with those rich snobs

Decadent and so heartless

Forcing our peers to fight to the death

Now that you’ve won

They think they now own you

And threaten us if you don’t conform

Everyone’s so hungry

Everyone’s all starving

We matter more

Than their feet and hair


[Peeta Mellark:]

Try not to get worried

Try not to turn on to

Problems that upset you

(oh) Don’t you know

Everything’s all right

Yes everything’s fine

And I want you to sleep well tonight

Let Panem go without you tonight

If we try

We’ll get by

So forget all about us tonight


[Prep Team:]

Everything’s all right

Yes everything’s all right yes


[Katniss Everdeen:]

For years I’ve been poaching

To get some wild critters

To save my folks from their lot

Now there are uprisings

Erupting all over

And Snow wants me to tie the knot!


Does he blame me?


Does he want from me?

Quell dissent

I can no longer do that

Now I’m screwed


[Peeta Mellark:]

Sleep and I shall soothe you

Calm you and be with you

Hold you within my arms

(oh) then you’ll feel

Everything’s alright

Yes everything’s fine

My bread is warm and my buns are sweet

For the fire in your head and feet

Close your eyes

Close your eyes

And relax

Think of nothing tonight


[Prep Team & Peeta Mellark:]

Close your eyes

Close your eyes

And relax

Think of nothing tonight


[Gale Hawthorne and Katniss Everdeen:]

Everything’s all right

Yes everything’s all right yes