Erin Go Bragh with These Lucky Treats on Saint Patrick’s Day (Sixth Edition)

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Now that Valentine’s Day is over, it’s on to the green, shamrocks, rainbows, leprechauns, and pots of gold. Given that we have so many Irish Americans, it’s basically the Irish version of Cinco de Mayo. Except there’s some kind of religious significance since it honors Saint Patrick who brought Christianity to Ireland, not to honor a battle fought against the French at the US-Mexican border. Though that doesn’t stop people from using the holiday as an excuse to get drunk. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you yet another assortment of Saint Patrick’s Day treats. Enjoy.

  1. A chocolate cake must have minty green icing.
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And on 2 layers, too. Also don’t forget the chocolate drizzle.

2. Celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day with some rainbow sushi.

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You might need food dye for the rice. But the peppers can be of a variety of colors.

3. Give your St. Patty’s day dessert platter a boost in luck this year with some leprechaun cookies.

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These are made from heart sugar cookies turned upside down. So the top part can consist of the leprechaun’s beard.

4. Grace your Saint Patrick’s Day table with this rainbow snack platter.

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The platter consists of snacks of different rainbow colors. Some of these are candy, by the way.

5. Treat yourself to some pot of gold cupcakes.

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The cupcakes are turned upside down. While the gold coins are probably vanilla wafers in gold icing.

6. How about some fancy shamrock cupcakes?

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The cupcakes are turned upside down. While the gold coins are probably vanilla wafers in gold icing.

7. You can’t have Saint Patrick’s Day without some Celtic knot shamrock cupcakes.

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Well, the toppers are quite intricate. While the cupcakes are chocolate and covered with yellow icing and rainbow sprinkles.

8. Top your Saint Patrick’s Day dessert platter with this green bundt cake.

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This is covered in 50 shades of green icing. Okay, maybe not 50 but it’s a lot of green.

9. Love chocolate pudding? Try these pot of gold cups?

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The gold on top is popcorn with gold sprinkles on top. While the spoon handles have zigzag rainbows.

10. Perhaps you want to treat your guests to these Saint Patrick’s Day cookies.

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Includes rainbows and shamrocks. Pots of gold consists of icing and sprinkles.

11. Nothing makes St. Patty’s Day sweeter like gold macarons.

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These have chocolate filling and shamrocks on top. Perfect to put in any pot of gold.

12. You’ll find gold inside these rainbow cupcakes.

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These consists of rainbow icing and pots of gold on top. So pretty.

13. Nothing makes St. Patrick’s Day like these green velvet cheesecake bars.

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Well, they have the green on the bottom. And green sprinkles on top.

14. You might get lucky with some chocolate mint fudge cakes.

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Well, they’re bars. But you have a layer of mint chocolate chip goodness.

15. You can’t go wrong with some spinach pesto on your pasta.

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Or pesto in general. Because what’s Saint Patrick’s Day without green spaghetti?

16. Treat yourself this St. Patty’s Day with some shamrock fudge squares.

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These have sprinkles and candy shamrocks and gold coins. Look so tasty.

17. You’ll never know what you’ll find in these shamrock cookies.

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All of these have some chocolate caramel, and marshmallows inside. Also covered in green and chocolate icing and sprinkles.

18. Perhaps you’d want a piece of this rainbow cake.

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Interesting how the rainbow’s on the side and consists of M&Ms. Pot of gold probably not edible in the least.

19. Care for a rainbow cupcake?

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These are covered with white icing. All have a stream of rainbow icing with a cloud of mini marshmallows.

20. You’ll be refreshed with these mint chocolate cookies.

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They’re chocolate cookies with green and chocolate icing. The shamrocks are made from M&Ms.

21. Treat yourself this Sant Patrick’s day to some Chinese dumplings.

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Well, these have pesto inside so it kind of counts. Hell, I’m not sure if it’s even a Chinese dish. I just know it’s something you eat with chopsticks.

22. Anyone want a chocolate mint brownie?

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These have some green filling inside. Covered in a layer of chocolate fudge and green sugar.

23. With these cupcakes, you can taste the rainbow.

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And it seems the rainbow tastes like vanilla. Also consists of white icing and rainbow sprinkles.

24. You’ll have some Lucky Charms in some pastel rainbow bars.

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They’re also covered in sprinkles. Though the rainbow seems to consist of 5 colors and includes pink.

25. Apparently, you’ll find layers of color on these cupcakes.

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These are rainbow cupcakes with shamrocks on top. Each has 6 layers of sugar coated icing.

26. Bring the luck of the Irish with these rainbow pinwheel cookies.

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These are covered with rainbow sugar. Hope you got a sweet tooth.

27. Get a bite out some of these mint chocolate chip beauties.

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Each has some buttercream inside. Covered in white icing and green sprinkles.

28. Expose your taste buds to a piece of a mint chocolate chip cake roll.

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This one has some chocolate cake and mint chocolate chip filling inside. Looks so tasty. Love it.

29. You can’t go wrong with shamrock cookies.

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These have a green icing with some intricate Celtic design. And I’m sure they were made in a bakery.

30. Irish Millennials can’t go without their shamrock avocado toast.

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Of course, Irish boomers will tell them to forego that to save money. Despite they don’t earn a living wage from their full time job.

31. There’s no greater treasure than an Oreo pot of gold.

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These are covered in chocolate with some gold candies and a rainbow fruit roll up. Like how they stand up.

32. Feel free to serve up Irish hospitality with this shamrock cake.

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Meaning, you’ll probably not get a piece of this if you wear orange or are English. Okay, I’m kidding.

33. Nobody can get enough of these mint chocolate chip cookie dough bars.

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Though the FDA might think these are a hazard. Yet, eating cookie dough isn’t like drinking unpasteurized milk or raw meat. Come on.

34. Nothing makes Saint Patrick’s Day like some McPeeps.

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They’re marshmallow peeps with gumdrop leprechaun hats. Sure I’m putting them in treats but I’d really not recommend you to eat them.

35. Nobody can resist these cookie mint sandwiches.

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They’re supposed to be like Oreos. Green filling covered in sprinkles.

36. You’d want your pot of gold from these leprechauns.

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Well, the pots of gold seem like they’re made of paper. But the leprechauns are just so cute.

37. Top your Saint Patrick’s Day dessert platter with this large hat cake.

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It’s 3 tiers. The leprechaun hat’s decked with white shamrocks on the side and green shamrocks on the top.

38. Hope you can get lucky with these leprechaun cupcakes.

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These have vanilla wafer leprechaun faces. Their hats are gumdrops while the beards are M&Ms.

39. Feast your eyes on these green deviled eggs.

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The egg on here is dyed green. Makes a great St. Patty’s day appetizer, especially with ham.

40. Impress your guests with this Saint Patrick’s Day cake.

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This one has a leprechaun hat, rainbow, and green shamrock flower. As gold coins deck the bottom.

41. You can’t have St. Patty’s Day dessert without some mint Oreo truffles.

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These have Oreo in the center with an icing cover and sprinkles. Some have drizzle and shamrocks.

42. Perhaps these shamrock cupcakes can suit you.

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They have candy shamrocks and coins. And each is topped with gold sprinkles and white icing.

43. Wake up this St. Patty’s Day with these shamrock cinnamon rolls.

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Okay, these consist of a few cinnamon rolls. But you got to love their smell fresh from the oven.

44. Perhaps you’d want a snack platter like this for St. Patrick’s Day.

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Hey, at least the foods are easy to find and rather healthy, too. Because you find green everywhere in nature.

45. Nothing’s better on Saint Patrick’s Day than green cupcakes.

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Each of these is made from green velvet. Topped with candy shamrocks and white icing with sprinkles.

46. You’ll find some little shamrocks on these cupcakes.

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These have green wrappers. Topped with small shamrocks, white icing, and green sprinkles.

47. Celebrate St. Patty’s Day with some shamrock cake roll.

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Consists of few cake roll slices arranged like a shamrock. Though I’m not sure if it’s in key lime, cashew, or tapioca.

48. Nobody can resist these chocolate mint fudge brownie bars.

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Consists of brownie at the bottom, green mint filling in the middle, and chocolate fudge on top. And yes, they sure look tasty.

49. Care for a Lucky Charms cupcake?

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Each of these his decked with Lucky Charms marshmallows. Love the configuration on these.

50. Any cake can be a pot of gold.

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Just add some vanilla Oreos and take them apart. Doesn’t matter if the cake is white with green edging.

51. You can’t have a better St. Patrick’s Day treat than a thin mint cheesecake.

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You can see the thin mints on top with the white icing tuffs. Yet, the cake is a light minty green.

52. Nothing makes a better St. Patty’s Day snack with some Guinness mix.

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Consists of pretzels, shamrocks, and beer glasses. Some of these are candy items.

53. You can’t resist these green shamrock cookies.

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These have white icing on them that’s in a cross. Some even have green sugar on them.

54. How about some shamrock bread with your St. Patty’s Day dinner?

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You can at least pull these apart. Though I’m not sure how much you can take as a serving.

55. You can’t get enough of this Oreo cookie trifle.

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This one has some minty green icing. Also consists of Oreo bits on the bottom, fudge, and other chocolate bits.

56. You can’t have St. Patrick’s Day without some fancy gobs like this.

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Okay, they’re more like cupcakes. Yet, each consist of a 2 layers of green icing with chocolate cookies on top.

57. Bet you’ve never seen shamrock cookies like these.

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These have green icing inside. Perfect for any Saint Patrick’s Day dessert platter.

58. Feel free to dip your chocolate cookies in chocolate.

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Just make sure the chocolate has green shamrock sprinkles. Just a little FYI.

59. Care for some stained glass shamrock cookies?

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Wonder how they pull it off. And what the hell the filling is made out of?

60. Go green with your mashed potatoes this Saint Patrick’s Day.

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And you don’t need food coloring either. Just put some greens and chives and mixed them with the mashed potatoes. Simple.

61. Get lucky with these rainbow fortune cookies.

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Not sure what the fortunes may hold. But the colors are surely vibrant. Wow.

62. You can’t go wrong with a St. Patrick’s Day dessert pizza.

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This one is covered in white icing with green and chocolate drizzle. Also got a lot of chunks of Andes candies.

63. You can’t go wrong with these cookie bars.

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Consists of brownie and chocolate chip cookie dough. Decorated with mint Oreo bits and green M&Ms.

64. Want to try a slice of rainbow cake?

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You can see the colors inside. Though it includes pink for some reason.

65. You can’t go wrong with a rainbow candy bar.

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It’s actually a cake with rainbow layers inside and covered with chocolate. Also covered with rainbow sprinkles.

66. Want a leprechaun in your Guinness treat.

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This is a cake pop with a large leprechaun head. Also has a green ice cream cone hat.

67. No kid can resist a shamrock Rice Krispie treat.

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Each of these is covered in green icing with green sprinkles. Great for any Saint Patrick’s Day party.

68. A brownie can always use some green icing.

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And yes, they’re showy and vibrant. Also covered with sprinkles.

69. You can’t get enough these shamrock Oreos.

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Some of these are sprinkles. Some of these are candies. But all look delicious.

70. You can’t get luckier with these smiley face St. Patrick’s Day cookies.

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These are cookies you can get from Eat n’ Park, which is the place for smiles. It’s a local restaurant chain from where I live. It’s like Denny’s but better. If you have kids, they’ll give one of these cookies to them for free.

71. You got to love St Patrick’s Day cookies like these.

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Consists of leprechauns and hats, beer, pots of gold, and a fancy shamrock. The leprechauns hats look straight out of Dr. Seuss.

72. Hope you can try this pretzel shamrock.

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Might need to take it apart and share. Also comes with green mustard to dip in, which is kind of wild.

73. You’ll be near the pot of gold with these rainbow meringues.

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Yes, these are cookies. And yes, they’re in a rainbow swirl. But I’m confident they don’t have any acid inside them.

74. You’ll find plenty of shamrocks in these Rice Krispie treats.

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The shamrock marshmallows are from Lucky Charm of course. Perfect for St. Patrick’s Day.

75. Don’t forget to add a thin mint in a cupcake.

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These are on mini cupcakes. And yes, the Girl Scout cookie sits on green mint icing.

76. You can’t go wrong with this St. Patrick’s Day veggie platter.

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And you should have no trouble finding green veggies either. Since that basically consists of most of them.

77. Want a chocolate cheesecake shamrock?

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It’s basically a green cheesecake and chocolate brownie mixed together. Love the swirls.

78. You’ll be lucky to have a rice leprechaun hat.

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These are covered in icing. Love the belt and buckle decorations. So simple.

79. How about some rainbow brownie bars?

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These are in swirly rainbow patterns. Kind of groovy don’t you think?

80. Please your guests with some mint chocolate chip fudge.

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Seem to more or less resemble brownies to me. Yet, I bet they taste spectacular.

Be Mine With These Valentine’s Day Treats (Sixth Edition)

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Now we come to the V-Day treats. Whether for a romantic dinner, party, or school, you’ll find plenty of heart shaped, red, or pink foods if you try to do a Google Image search. Of course, you can find heart-shaped candies at the store. Yet, that would take all the fun out of it. Over the years I’ve done these treat posts, I’ve seen plenty of hearty foods to impress one’s love. Mainly cakes, cookies, and other dessert platter goodies. But I’ve also seen other stuff as well. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of Valentine’s Day treats. Enjoy.

  1. You’ll find plenty of roses on these cookies.
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These have pink, red, and yellow roses that are so small you need a professional to make them in icing. But they do look nice on a platter.

2. You’ll find a heart on these square cookies.

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Not sure what the hearts are made of or if they’re even edible. But I love the intricate designs on the square cookies.

3. Wake up this V-Day with strawberries and cream donuts.

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These are heart-shaped donuts with strawberry icing. Great for any V-Day breakfast that’s hard on the arteries.

4. Hope you can dig in a peanut butter heart.

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These are covered with chocolate. Though you might have to eat it with a fork.

5. You’ll find berries in these V-Day sandwiches.

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I guess these are for dessert since they contain raspberries and cream cheese. Not sure what the hearts are made of.

6. You’ll find a lot of hugs and kisses on these macarons.

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The X’s and O’s are in gold. Great for any V-Day dessert platter.

7. These square V-Day cookies will warm your heart.

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Some contain hearts. Some don’t have them at all. But all must be professionally made as I can see it.

8. Show your love with this heart shaped blueberry cake.

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This one is in a heart shaped pan with a hole inside. Great for any V-Day dessert platter.

9. Kids would adore these Cheerios heart-shaped bars.

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They even contain V-Day M&Ms for color and flavor. Great for serving to school kids.

10. Pretzel hearts make a fine Valentine’s Day treat.

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These are all covered with chocolate and pink sprinkles on one side. Why that is, I have no idea.

11. Nobody can resist these cookie sandwiches.

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These have some jelly in between them. Also have heart-shaped chocolates on top.

12. You’ll find this cake all covered with hearts.

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The hearts are pink. While the edges are decked with small pink flowers. Not sure of the shiny pears are edible though.

13. You can decorate a red heart cookie in many different ways.

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You can see the the different designs like dots and sprinkles. Like the one with roses the best.

14. How about a V-Day ravioli pasta dish?

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This one is a heart-shaped lasagna. And yes, you have to serve it in parts.

15. Care for some fancy gingerbread hearts?

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These are professionally made obviously. But you have to love the lovely designs on them. So pretty.

16. You’ll find hearts coming out of these red cookies.

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Well, the hearts are white. Not sure if they’re edible. Great for any dessert platter on Valentine’s Day.

17. How about some heart tarts on sticks?

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These have filling in them. And you can eat them without a fork. But still use a plate.

18. On Valentine’s Day, pink heart cookies are the best.

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These are even covered in chocolate icing. Yet, all have pink designs like dots, hearts, and XO’s.

19. Want to profess your love? Say it with cookies.

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These are chocolate chip cookies covered with icing. Decorated with sugar stuff you find at the store.

20. Make sure your cupcakes have plenty of hugs and kisses.

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Each one has an X or O in red M&Ms. The O’s are shaped like hearts.

21. Nothing makes your V-Day like these cupcakes.

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Well, these are professionally made. But they’re decorated in many different ways.

22. You got to love these heart cookie sandwiches.

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Well, they have pink icing filling. While cookies have holes in them to make them seem like they’re professionally made.

23. Want some fruity yogurt bars?

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These are pink with hearts on them. Seem to be made from big Reese’s cup molds for some reason.

24. Want a large chocolate heart?

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Well, it’s mostly a white chocolate heart. Yet, it’s in a pot of V-Day M&Ms.

25. Grace your V-Day dessert platter with these cupcakes.

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Each of these has a red candy heart on top. Can have pink or white icing.

26. Heart muffins are great for your V-Day breakfast.

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These even have sprinkles on them. So they can appeal to the kids.

27. Rose cupcakes should always be in a heart.

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These are in reddish pink. One has a white heart on them. So pretty.

28. Perhaps you might want a chocolate cake with a powdered heart.

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I’m sure the white heart is made out of sugar. Makes a great feature on your V-Day dessert platter.

29. Care for some chocolate hearts?

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These are decorated with white or pink icing and chocolate drizzle. Some also have sprinkles.

30. Care for some hearty blueberry pie?

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This one has hearts on the crust that are on top of each other. Wonder how you can cut this. in equal slices.

31. You’ll find a heart inside these heart-shaped tarts.

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These have jelly inside. And yes, you have to put two of the hearts together.

32. How about some chocolate chip heart?

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This one is covered in chocolate icing. Great for any V-Day dessert platter.

33. Wake up to some V-Day pancakes.

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These have pink icing and raspberries on them. And yes, they’re chocolate with one on top of the other.

34. Care for a heart tart?

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This one has a heart made from strawberries and raspberries. And all on top of white icing.

35. These little cheese ball monsters just want your love.

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Well, they’re different from the other monsters I showed in a previous post because they have antennae of pasta. While the hearts on top are sprinkles. So cute.

36. Get a load of some pink heart Rice Krispie treats.

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They’re in a variety of shades and sizes. Some even have sprinkles on them.

37. Nothing makes V-Day like these strawberry ice cream sandwiches.

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Each of them has ice cream between 2 cookies. Decorated with Valentine’s Day sugar hearts.

38. You can decorate pink chocolate heart however you’d like.

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One has sprinkles. One has chocolate chip candies. One has both. And all on sticks.

39. You got to love a cupcake with a marshmallow heart.

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These have chocolate icing as well. While the marshmallow hearts are probably pink.

40. Nothing makes a V-Day party like jello hearts.

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And they’re all in cupcake wrappers. Make sure to ask your host if they contain alcohol before any kids get a hold of them.

41. These V-Day Oreos are an utter delight.

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These have chocolate icing and edible V-Day decorations. Some have hearts. Some have flowers.

42. These heart owl cookies are major hoot.

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These have candy eyes and noses. The eyes kind of resemble flowers. So adorable.

43. You can dip these breadstick hearts in some tomato sauce.

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Okay, these aren’t technically breadsticks since they’re heart-shaped. But they’re made from the same stuff as breadsticks.

44. Feast your eyes on these heart-shaped hand pies.

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Not sure what’s inside them. But they certainly don’t look like the pies you eat for dessert.

45. Munch on these heart sandwiches for your V-Day lunch.

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One of them has a window inside. Then again, these might be for dessert. Because I’m not sure if that’s lunch meat or icing.

46. How about a large strawberry heart?

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Well, it’s a heart cake decked with strawberries. But the icing appears to resemble whipped cream.

47. Nothing says love on Valentine’s Day like a couple of heart pizzas.

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One has hearts of pepperoni. The other says “Be Mine” in olives.

48. Perhaps you’d like these fancy heart cookies.

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Two of these have roses. One has an icing design to resemble lace. So pretty.

49. Some might prefer these V-Day ice cream cones.

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Okay, they’re actually ice cream cones with Rice Krispie treats on top. Draped with chocolate and a red candy piece on top.

50. It’s easy to give a kiss on a cupcake.

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I’m sure these lips are just candy that you need to unwrap. Yet, each of is covered with chocolate icing with heart candies.

51. Hope you enjoy these heart brownies.

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They’re also covered in V-Day sprinkles. Perfect for any V-Day dessert platter.

52. Help yourself to some of these Valentine heart cookies.

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These are covered in icing with some color mixed in. Laced with pink and blue icing.

53. Anyone could love these cupcakes.

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These are covered with candy cane icing. And yes, they spell out “LOVE.”

54. Speaking of cupcakes, you might want to celebrate V-Day with these.

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These are decked with a variety of images. Some have roses. Some have hearts. Some have both.

55. These Rice Krispie treats can start a conversation.

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They’re in several different colors with icing inscriptions. Yet. none will taste like anything resembling sugar chalk.

56. You’ll find an arrow in these heart brownies.

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Since Cupid shot through them. Still, the arrows aren’t edible. But they make a handy carrying stick.

57. Perhaps you might love a cake with strawberries.

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Well, this has strawberries all around it. The rest of it is decorated with sprinkles.

58. Care for a heart on a stick?

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These are sugar cookies covered with icing. While decorated with several kinds of sprinkles. Or not.

59. Want a pink fudge heart?

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Okay, they’re covered in sugar. Yet, I’m sure you’d love to take one of them. Or not.

60. You’ll fall in love with these cookies.

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These are covered in pink, yellow, and purple icing. Decorated with white drizzle and sprinkles.

61. You can never be too sweet with these heart cookies.

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These are covered with sugar. While each has a sugar heart in the center.

62. Anyone would love these chocolate heart cookies.

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Sure, they’re professionally made. But they’re nevertheless decorated with icing and in so many ways.

63. Have a slice of this heart pizza.

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Even has some pepperoni hearts. Not sure how to divide it in equal parts.

64. This Valentine’s Day, treat yourself to these love bug cupcakes.

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These are decked like ladybugs. Love the spots on their shells. Some even have hearts.

65. Care for a rose cupcake?

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These have roses on top of white icing. And even better, they’re chocolate.

66. Treat your guests this Valentine’s Day to an apple rose tart.

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These have apple slices shaped like roses. Not sure how big this is supposed to be.

67. Feel free to take one of these red velvet cookies.

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These have white chocolate hearts on them. Perfect for any V-Day dessert platter at any party.

68. Care for an ice cream sandwich?

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These are heart shape and have chocolate chip cookies with ice cream in between. Decorated with sprinkles.

69. These cookies will certainly start a conversation.

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These are covered with sayings and pastel icing. Bet they taste better than the real candies which are composed of sugar chalk.

70. Treat your guests to some hearty pizza.

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This seems like a more conventional pizza. And yes, it’s divided in slices.

71. You can’t go wrong with a sweetheart brownie.

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Well, it’s more of heart-shaped brownie sandwich. Has pink icing and sprinkles inside.

72. Entertain your V-Day guests with this red heart cake.

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This one has a white bow on it. Even has heart decoration on the white ribbon.

73. You’ll go to the dogs with these puppy love cookies.

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They’re heart shaped cookies meant to look like dogs. And yes, you’ll find them adorable.

74. Care to hold some love in a jar.

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Okay, these are cookies. But each is pink with hearts inside.

75. You’ll go bug-eyed with these cupcakes.

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2 of these have ladybugs. One has a bee. And yes, they’re made from candy.

76.  Nothing makes a romantic dinner like a couple of shrimp kabobs.

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This is a restaurant promotion. Yet, the shrimp are in hearts on sticks.

77. You’ll want to have one of these lovestruck pancakes.

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Yes, it’s in an emoji. But you have to admire the hearts in the eyes.

78. Care for a heart shaped sandwich?

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That’s the fanciest sandwich I’ve ever seen. Covered with red pepper bits. Flower is made from a hard-boiled egg.

79. Want to know your fortune?

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This is a pink fortune cookie covered with red heart. Not sure what it says inside.

80. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a wreath of lovebirds.

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The lovebirds are made from string cheese. And yes, they’re so adorable. Love it.

Make a Wish and Blow Out the Candles with These Birthday Party Cakes (Sixth Edition)

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On January 13 this year I will turn 30 which makes me a bit on edge. On one hand, I get presents and have a special day all about me. On the other hand, I feel like I haven’t accomplished much as I should by this point in my life. Anyway, I decided to dedicate it the way I usually do with a bad birthday cake post featuring some really terrible disasters from Cake Wrecks. Now when you go to a bakery, you expect that everything is made to your specification. But since we have sites like Cake Wrecks, this doesn’t always go that way. Since the cake decorators aren’t going to be from some prestigious cake decorating academy. And some don’t even know how to follow directions. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of birthday cakes gone wrong.

  1.  There’s something wrong with the girl’s hand.
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Because the thumbs look quite different. Also, that doesn’t look like a 6-year-old girl to me for some reason.

2. When they draw a tooth, you draw a tooth.

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Don’t just write it in multi-colored icing. But did the cake decorator listen? No.

3. When you have a cupcake cake, put the phrases in different bubbles.

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Because if you write across, the saying may look like this. And let’s just say, it’s kind of off so to speak.

4. It’s supposed to say, “When you’re 64.”

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But instead it says, “un.” Yeah, that doesn’t make sense the least bit.

5. A clown cake is always great for a kid’s party.

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Okay, more appropriate for a kid’s Halloween party. Also, does that clown look dead to you? Seriously, it’s creepy.

6. Well, he got a big 2.

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Yet, it’s on top of some green icing. Nobody knows what it says to this day.

7. Yes, it’s someone’s birthday all right.

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Though I don’t know what the hell this figure’s doing on here. Is there a Sesame Street muppet I don’t know about?

8. Apparently, this family doesn’t make gender an issue.

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Okay, we know Jeff is a boy. The icing is in blue. Also, Jeff is a boy’s name. Seriously, I have 2 uncles by that name.

9. Feel free to customize this birthday cake.

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Uh, isn’t that supposed to be the bakery’s job? Don’t they have a special design program for that? Just asking because I know they put photos on cakes somehow.

10. No girl is ever too old to be a Disney princess.

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But 70 is kind of pushing it. Then again, it her birthday. She can have any cake she wants. If she wants Cinderella, fine.

11. Happy Birthday to a special boy.

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That basically all it says. Because we don’t really know the guy’s name.

12. Hope you enjoy your Birthcay, whoever you are.

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Yeah, “Birthday” is mispelled. Despite that spelling it isn’t that hard. Wonder why that is.

13. Apparently, bakeries don’t have spell check.

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“Birthday” is definitely spelled wrong. Yet, what is that name below? Kathy W or Natty W?

14. How do you say “Happy Birthday” in 3 languages?

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And apparently, this bakery doesn’t know any but English. Though they wrote the instructions.

15. Everyone seems to like bees nowadays.

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Oh my God, what the hell is that thing? Seriously, that looks more like a demon with bee stripes? And no, I’m not calling it Sting.

16. Mickey Mouse is always good for a baby’s first birthday cake.

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But this Mickey seems rather skeevy for some reason. Seriously, I don’t like the look in his eyes like he’s out for trouble.

17. Does this cake decorator have any idea about spacing?

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Seriously, the words are all together. Also, who the hell named their kid Prudy in the 1980s and 1990s?

18. Kung Fu Panda fans might enjoy this Po cake.

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Though this one doesn’t look anywhere near finished. Or part of the design ripped off. Either way, looks rather sad.

19. Perhaps anyone would like this 40th birthday cake.

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Make sure the words are in purple icing. As the cake says here.

20. Make sure you have “Happy Birthday” on both of these.

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Well, they delivered. But someone took the instructors way too literally.

21. Someone wanted a 1960’s hippie party theme.

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And what better than to have it on generic fruit cake. No tie dye, peace signs, or psychedelic patterns whatsoever.

22. Guess this is Zack’s “Birday.”

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Yes, “Birthday” is mispelled again. Not sure why this keeps happening. Seriously, all bakeries should have spell-check.

23. Put on the “Happy Birthday Victory Song.”

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Apparently, this cake decoraor doesn’t know it. Despite the fact I’ve heard it my whole life. Also “Birthday” is misspelled.

24. Hope Kelley enjoys this cake.

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Okay it’s supposed to be Kelli? And I don’t think it’s supposed to include an eye. Yeah, someone messed up here.

25. A plain grass cake will always do.

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Then again, this seems more like an abandoned pavement theme. Why anyone would want that, I don’t know.

26. Happy Birthday to one red hot mama.

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Okay, you don’t use the “th” when doing 21. Also, being a mom at 21 isn’t a thing to aspire to, no matter how sexy. God, this is disturbing.

27. I guess someone wanted a maritime themed cake.

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Instead, Mark got a garden carrot cake. Hope he doesn’t throw a tantrum. But at least the sea is written in.

28. A dino cake is perfect for a 1-year-old boy.

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But dino apocalypse cake, not so much. Seriously, these dinos can go extinct at any moment. The foliage already has died.

29. Someone’s turning 30.

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Yet, the 3 is on backwards. How is that possible? Seriously, does someone not know how numbers are written?

30. This ghosts wishes you a scary happy birthday.

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What’s that ghost holding? Is that shit? Is the ghost covered in shit? God, that’s disgusting.

31. Leshia wanted a Frozen cake.

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Okay, this cake was written sideways. So instead of a winter scene with a tree, it’s basically a winter scene revolving on a shit puddle. Given how the branches seem to resemble the stench.

32. You might like this Cars 1st birthday cake.

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But this one has too many car rings. Seriously, you can space them out more.

33. Is this supposed to be a boob cake?

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For one, the decorated doesn’t know how to draw a bra as you can see? Also, this is a very inappropriate cake for a 10-year-old girl.

34. Your Irish mom deserves a shamrock cake.

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And I don’t think this is a shamrock. Seriously, what the hell is that?

35. Don’t forget to add a clown hat.

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As this cake specifies. But the words in parentheses make that very clear.

36. Make sure you have the letters in the right color.

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Yes, it’s supposed to say, “Happy Birthday Tristan.” But in yellow. It’s written in black icing.

37. Some people might prefer a duck cake.

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And yes, the inscription is in purple icing. And yes, it’s as instructed.

38. Seems like Steven’s turning 4.

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But you wouldn’t know it from how is name’s spelled. Let’s hope he doesn’t know how to read. Oh wait, he might.

39. Perhaps a Barney cake could cheer you up.

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Okay, that doesn’t look like Barney. Just a giant purple lizard, which may not be a bad thing.

40. Golden Girls fans might enjoy this cake.

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Who the hell are these ladies? Because they sure as hell don’t look like Golden Girls. Seriously, what the hell?

41. Apparently, someone doesn’t know how to draw a playing card.

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To be fair, they asked for a King of Hearts card as it’s written. But that’s not what they got.

42. Don’t put candles on this cake.

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But did they really have to write it on there. Seriously, kind of creates an awkward situation with the customer.

43. “40 Begians forever getting.”

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Not sure what that means. Because it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

44. Teen girls back in the 2000’s would love a Twilight cake.

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Uh, Twilight’s not anime. Seriously, I don’t care for Twilight and even I know this.

45. Got to have a nice cake for one’s “Bathday.”

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Yes, that’s another misspelling of “Birthday.” Because bath days aren’t really that special for a cake.

46. Any little kid would adore a cake of Cookie Monster.

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Okay, this one is freaky. Seriously, that looks nothing like Cookie Monster. More like Grover with rabies.

47. A-Rod’s cookie cake is a pizza.

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Not that A-Rod. Still, a pepperoni pizza it does not resemble in the least. The red icing bits aren’t flat circles.

48. A lot of kids love a Minecraft cake.

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Not that A-Rod. Still, a pepperoni pizza it does not resemble in the least. The red icing bits aren’t flat circles.

49. A girl hunter might prefer a pink camo cake.

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Seems like someone didn’t know how to put them together. Hope my neighbors’ granddaughter never gets one like this.

50. You can see how many little girls want an Elsa birthday cake.

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Though I really don’t care for hat hair. Seriously, Elsa’s hair looks like it’s made from Cool-Whip. Doesn’t look good.

51. After 60, it all goes downhill.

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Yes, someone wrote that inscription while that cake’s upside down. So that’s why the balloons look like that.

52. A minion cake on the beach might be great for a kid’s party.

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Still, the beach the seems to have a rather phallic disposition. Hope the parents can get a laugh out of that.

53. A first birthday cake should always be simple.

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Yet, the balloons apparently resemble sperm. Sure it’s for a boy, but it’s pretty inappropriate.

54. Apparently, placement is the key.

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Okay, maybe not. But the cake can use some spell check. Also, it’s in pink icing.

55. Seems like you can find a birthday cake of Jabba the Hutt.

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Uh, Jabba doesn’t look like that. He’s much more disgusting. Also, can we rather have a cake where Leia strangles him with a chain? Since that’s far more satisfying.

56. Kids might enjoy a cake of SpongeBob SquarePants.

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What are those white cactus creatures doing here? Are they ghosts? Is SpongeBob’s ocean haunted? Oh, wait, this used to be a Halloween cake.

57. I guess this kid gets beat up in school all the time.

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I’m sure the kid’s name is Peter. But I hope this cake wasn’t for a kiddie party. Because he’ll never live it down.

58. I wonder who Sticks is.

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I’m they wanted “Happy Birthday” sticks on the cupcakes. But they got this instead for some reason.

59. All right, who’s Jocklyn?

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I’m sure it’s supposed to be “Jocelyn” or “Jacklyn.” Apparently, this decorator didn’t know which name to use. So we get this.

60. Always wish the birthday girl happiness.

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Yet, this one says, “Ha’ penis.” Let’s hope she’s not a lesbian for obvious reasons.

61. Kerri wanted a Mercedes cake.

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Well, this doesn’t resemble the logo. More like an unfinished peace sign. Yeah, you have to have the slices be all equal and in silver.

62. Hello Kitty is always a popular choice.

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But this more or less resembles a melted snowman with spray paint. Not the Japanese cartoon icon.

63. Donald thinks dragons are cool.

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This dragon looks pretty lame since it doesn’t dazzle with ferocity. More like a snake with spikes.

64. Of course, people can sometimes forget your birthday.

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Guess this is a workplace. Still, did anyone have to rub it in their face that nobody cared about their birthday? Seems kind of mean-spirited.

65. Kind of a frilly birthday cake for a guy named Bob.

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Actually, it’s supposed to say, “Mom.” Yeah, someone really screwed up here.

66. So how old is Dad supposed to be?

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Because I don’t think he’s 10. Unless the people buying this cake are his pets or toys. Seriously, why?

67. Ranger Bud Yee Haw has a thing for flowers.

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Actually that’s a leftover Easter cake made into a birthday one. But the inscription is kind of hilarious. Also, this was supposed to be cowboy-themed.

68. Got to know where to put the words.

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You can see words, “On the top” and “Below.” Kind of ruins the effect, doesn’t it?

69. This Flash themed cake is rather minimalistic.

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This one has a lightning bolt slicing the name Connor. Nothing else.

70. Perhaps a young girl would like a butterfly cake.

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Okay, the butterfly body resembles a turd. Let’s hope the little birthday girl doesn’t notice.

71. Nothing like a cake celebrating your legal eligibility.

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Actually the age of consent is 18. Still, this kind of gives a rather disturbing vibe. Seriously, what the fuck?

72. Arthur wanted a Mercedes Benz cake for his birthday.

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Now this is the kind of 60’s hippie party cake I’m talking about. Okay, the logos don’t quite look like peace signs. Yet, it’s probably not what this guy wanted.

73. Someone wanted a My Little Pony cake.

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And they didn’t get what they wanted. Since this cake just says, “My Little Pony.”

74. How about a birthday cake text exchange?

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Seriously, is this really necessary? What if it says anything embarrassing?

75. Any boy would love an Avengers birthday cake.

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What are Iron Man and Captain America doing with Jes- wait, that’s supposed to be Thor? Still, it looks like something a kid would draw.

76. How about a Batman cake?

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This one features a sad Batman with a weight problem. His hands are unusually large for his arms as well.

77. Best birthday wishes to Alex.

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Not sure what this is supposed to be. But it resembles a turd floating in the ocean.

78. Any girl would enjoy a unicorn cake.

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Yes, one with a long, stiff, and erect horn. Okay, the horn just seems rather phallic for some reason. Like it can double as a dildo.

79. Curt is 8 by the way.

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However, this one doesn’t necessarily say “Curt.” I’m sure the kid will have a lot of questions on that special C-word that’s an insulting slang term for female genitalia.

80. Everyone must love a Star Wars cake.

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Okay, this message isn’t really seem appropriate to a Star Wars fan. Also, the kid’s supposed to be 6. Why?

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen on These Christmas Treats (Sixth Edition)

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As with most holidays, food plays a prominent role in Christmas, especially since it involves relatives coming over. After all, you can’t celebrate a major holiday without receiving a big feast. That many will put down weight loss for their New Year’s resolution and join a gym that they’ll only use a few times in January. Of course, you’ll find plenty of desserts that show Christmas motifs like Christmas trees, Santas, snowmen, candy canes, gingerbread men, reindeer, and more. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of delectable Christmas treats. Enjoy.

  1. Treat your guests this Christmas to some reindeer cake.
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Comes with holly edging at the bottom. Topped with a red nose and antlers.

2. Drink hot chocolate by the fire with some gingerbread marshmallows.

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Hope they don’t taste like gingerbread. Because that would be rather disgusting.

3. Anyone would love this reindeer candy.

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You can see it’s made from a Reese’s cup. Love the face and bow. So cute.

4. Snowman cookies will always belong on your Christmas dessert platter.

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These have 3 dough balls and pretzel sticks. Decorated by icing.

5. Hate Christmas? Try these Grinch cookies.

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These just show the Grinch’s hand holding an ornament. But it’s a picture with icing.

6. Snow globe cookies are the treat of the season.

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These are made from gingerbread. While the globes have Christmas trees inside.

7. Want a gingerbread cookie on a stick?

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Okay, these are sugar cookies iwth gingerbread faces. They even wear bows to indicate gender.

8. Care for some gingerbread fudge?

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Funny, that it doesn’t look brown. Wonder if it tastes like gingerbread. Hope not.

9. Feast your eyes on some Rudolph snacks.

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Each of these consists of those bread crackers with chocolate antlers. The eyes and nose are made from candy.

10. Wake up this Christmas to some Santa pancakes.

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Has a beard of whipped cream and a hat of strawberries. Also has banana ears and candy facial features.

11. These snowman cookies will melt in your mouth.

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Each of them has white icing with chocolate chips. The carrot noses are made out of candy.

12. These snowman truffles come with their own Oreo hats.

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And they seem like they’re minding their own business or about to do some kind of song and dance routine. So adorable.

13. Send an edible arrangement with this apple slice Christmas tree.

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Well, the apple slices consists of the bows. Though you got plenty of fruity stars.

14. These snowmen cookies are all melted.

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They’re basically 2 cookies stacked on top of each other. And they’re both covered in white icing.

15. A broccoli wreath makes a perfect Christmas veggie platter.

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The stars are made from cheese. The ornaments and bow are made from tomato.

16. For a more rustic Christmas, try these cookies.

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Yes, these are professionally made onto gingerbread. But at least they have a more naturalistic feel.

17. Door cookies will always have you begging for more.

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These have wreaths on them. And some may not have edible decorations like the bows.

18. Want a slice of holly wreath cake?

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Each of these is in a diamond slice with berries and a leaf etched icing. Love how it’s chocolate.

19. Stick your cracker into this snowman cheese ball.

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This one has asparagus arms and a pea pod scarf. It even wears a wreath on its head.

20. Anyone would get shivers for this penguin cake.

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This one has a red and green party hat. Love how it waves its wings. So cute.

21. Reindeer Oreos are a grand Christmas treat.

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Each of these is covered in white icing. Sport red antlers and M&M eyes and nose.

22. Get a load of these Christmas tree pretzels.

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These are made from pretzel sticks and drizzle. Each is in a bright color and decorated with sprinkles.

23. You have trouble with these tree and wreath cookies.

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These are decorated with green and red icing. And they’re not very complicated to make.

24. Grace your Christmas dessert platter with some snow globe cupcakes.

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Yet, each seems to feature scenes in Florida for some reason. Even the ones including snowmen next to palm trees, which isn’t realistically plausible.

25. Hope these ornament cookies make your mouth water.

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Each of them has a hole for a gel filling that’s covered in candy sugar. Not sure how that’s possible.

26. These Rudolph cookies are filled with chocolate chip goodness.

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Each has a Reese’s cup in the center. Antlers are made from pretzel bits.

27. Kids can’t resist these Rice Krispie treat reindeer.

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Both are on sticks and have chocolate antlers. But they’re nonetheless adorable.

28. You’ll have peace on earth with this angel cake.

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Sure, it’s not incredibly elegant. But you have to admire the wings and halo.

29. Perhaps your Christmas veggie platter can use some elegance.

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This one contains olives and cherry tomatoes. Perfect for more formal Christmas parties.

30. You’ll find these Christmas tree fudge cookies minty fresh.

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Since they contain candy cane bits on them. While the bottoms are chocolate.

31. This gingerbread chef cake is king of the kitchen.

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Has a cute little chef’s hat. While a bow appears around its neck for effect. So cute.

32. Nothing can top these North Pole cupcakes.

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This one is covered in white icing with a stick and a marshmallow on top. Real simple to make.

33. These snowman peanut cookies won’t receive any frosty reception.

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Each of these has M&M buttons. Perfect for leaving out for Santa.

34. Care to put some holly on your log cake.

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The holly on this cake is chocolate by the way. Berries are probably cherries or fake.

35. Put this Christmas tree on your fruit platter.

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Mostly consists of grapes because they’re green. The garlands are orange slices while the star is a starfruit.

36. Pull a bun off some Christmas tree bread.

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This one has a lot of toppings on them. Can see some cheese and basil leaves.

37. You may delight in this kiwi Christmas tree.

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This one only has strawberry ornaments. A rather minimalistic approach.

38. You’ll fall over for this polar bear cake.

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The polar bear’s just been through a skiing accident. Also wears a Santa hat.

39. Decorate your Christmas dessert platter with these ornament cake pops.

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Each one of these is covered with icing. Green ones have snowflakes. Red ones have holly.

40. You’ll feel at home with these Christmas cookies.

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Each of these is decorated for Christmas. Some of the wreaths have sprinkles, too.

41. Mouse king cheese fudge slices make an ideal Christmas dessert.

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Though remember he’s a character from The Nutcracker. And he’s kind of vicious enough to give you nightmares.

42. You can’t go wrong with reindeer marshmallow pops.

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Has chocolate pretzel antlers. Perfect for gift bags.

43. Holly and leaf gingerbread cookies are just what you need for the season.

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They’re glazed in shiny icing too. Also made out of gingerbread. But berries and leaves come separately.

44. Perhaps you can use some candy cane dessert.

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This mostly consists of sweetbread wrapped into a candy cane. Not sure if it contains any fruit.

45. There’s nothing frosty about these snowmen cake pops.

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This mostly consists of sweetbread wrapped into a candy cane. Not sure if it contains any fruit.

46. These Christmas cake balls will surely delight in the season.

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They’re white with red and green icing. Each contains something associated with Christmas like Santa, snowman, stocking, tree, and lights.

47. These Christmas trees cupcakes are rather untamed.

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These are just trees made from icing. Perfect for any rustic dessert platter.

48. How about a Christmas tree cookie on a stick?

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These are just trees made from icing. Perfect for any rustic dessert platter.

49. These snowman cakepops are great for any snowy day.

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Each of these is bundled up in pink. Perfect for any Christmas dessert platter. So cute.

50. Holiday present cookies are full of surprises.

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Actually they contain M&Ms. Available in red and green.

51. Care for some Christmas tree brownies?

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Actually they contain M&Ms. Available in red and green.

52. Perhaps you can warm up to these Santa cake pops.

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Been awhile since I did anything with Santa on this post. Still, each of these is covered in icing. Like the hats.

53. Gingerbread snowflake cookies make for a great winter treat.

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Each of these has rather intricate snowflake design. Come in all shapes and sizes.

54. You’ll be jingling with these cake pops.

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Yes, they’re made to resemble jingle bells. They’re all made on red cake with white icing.

55. You’ll be aglow for these Rudolph cookie cups.

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These have poinsettia pretzel antlers. Wonder where you can get them.

56. You may be in the mood for a holly cheesecake.

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Contains berries and holly leaves. The leaves are made out of chocolate.

57. You may adore these reindeer heart cookies.

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These are covered in chocolate with chocolate pretzel antlers. And yes, they have gumdrop red noses.

58. Care for a Christmas tree Oreo?

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These are doused in chocolate icing with drizzle. Can come in pink or green. But they’re all covered in sprinkles.

59. These gingerbread Rice Krispie treats are a real Christmas delight.

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Each of them comes on a stick. Also sport M&M buttons.

60. Any little elf would love a reindeer ice cream cone popcorn treat.

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These consist of a chocolate ice ceam cone with popcorn stuffed into them. Also consists of chocolate drizzle.

61. You’ll be lost to go without these Christmas tree cookies.

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These are chocolate and covered in green icing. Also contain shiny ornaments of questionable edibility.

62. Feast your eyes on this Christmas cake.

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This one has Santa on top with the words, “Merry Christmas.” Love the snowflakes.

63. These Christmas cupcakes will be a hit on any dessert platter.

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Each of these embodies Christmas in its own unique way. One even has bells.

64. You can’t do without a marshmallow snowman in your hot chocolate.

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Though you can’t see a snowman sitting in a hot tub. Has a candy corn nose and pretzel stick limbs.

65. You’ll be freezing for these North Pole ice cream cone cakes.

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Of course, penguins live in the South Pole. But they’re relying on cuteness here.

66. Help yourself to a Santa Ritz cracker snack.

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Each of these has a cream cheese beard and a pepperoni slice hat. They used the holes for eyes.

67. Perhaps you can chill to a polar bear cupcake.

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Each of these is covered in sprinkles. Also, they’re so adorable they’ll melt your heart.

68. Anyone would love a piece of this Christmas tree cake.

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This one consists of a large triangle decorated with M&Ms. You can’t eat the star on top though.

69. Grace your appetizer platter with this wreath veggie tray.

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This one contains broccoli, turnips, carrots, cauliflower, and cherry tomatoes. Perfect for any Christmas party.

70. Treat yourself to a Christmas wreath donut.

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These are decorated with icing and sprinkles. Best of all, they’re chocolate.

71. Feel free to take an ornament cupcake.

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These are in red, green, and white. Each is uniquely decorated in shiny sprinkles and icing.

72. You might prefer an ornament Oreo or 2.

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Each of these are dipped and icing and richly decorated. Like the one with the red and green stripes.

73. Care for a Hershey’s gingerbread house?

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This one has chocolate walls and roof. Trimmed with icing and candy canes.

74. Anyone would light up for this reindeer cake.

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This one has Santa and holly decor on the top. Still, so cute.

75. Get in the festive mood with this pull apart wreath cake.

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Contains flowers, gingerbread men, snowflakes, and Santa. Has a red bow and dog figure on top.

76. Penguin bananas make a nice frosty snack.

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These are dipped in chocolate. Also sport M&M beaks and feet.

77. Warm up to some polar bear hot chocolate.

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The polar bears are made from marshmallows and whipped cream. And yes, they’ll melt your heart.

78. Grace your appetizer platter with a Christmas tree veggie tray.

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Has a broccoli Christmas tree with a starfruit star and cherry tomato ornaments. Also includes cauliflower.

79. Feel free to pop a cocoa cup now and then.

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These are chocolate cookie cups with handles. Like the icing and sprinkles on top.

80. Care to try a Yule log snack?

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They’re mostly ho-hos with holly decoration. A real easy treat to make.

 

NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition) (Sixth Edition)

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During the holiday season, it’s become a tradition to introduce kids to the modern surveillance state with the ever nebby Elf on the Shelf. Each year, the Elf down from the North Pole to their designated family home where they watch and report to Santa on the children’s behavior during the days leading up to Christmas. After all, how can Santa know whether a child has been good or bad? However, elves being mere individuals aren’t always up to the most impeccable standards. Sure there are plenty of elves who may be on their best behavior. Yet, many do not and some of their deeds aren’t suited for the eyes of innocent children. So parental responsibility calls that parents report bad elf behavior at 1-800-BAD-ELF1. In the meantime, feel free to look at another assortment of shelf elves behaving badly. Enjoy. By the way, these aren’t safe for work.

  1. Tinker is about to make an incision.
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Apparently, he’s about to give Barbie a boob job. Still, I don’t think this is even legal. Or safe.

2. I don’t like the look of this scene.

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This seems straight out of Silence of the Lambs. Yes, that’s a skeleton hanging with outstretched arms.

3. I’m sure Izzy and Winky aren’t up to any trouble.

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They’re basically doodling on a boy when he’s sleeping. Hope this isn’t a school night.

4. Quinky’s had far too many.

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Here he’s fallen drunk in front of Shrek and Gingy. Still, Quinky better get off the vodka. Maybe join a 12 step.

5. Yinzer’s putting on a donkey show.

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Actually it might have nothing to do with donkeys. And no, I don’t want to see it.

6. At the elf planetarium, you can see Uranus.

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Okay, that’s a rather dirty joke. And no, I don’t want to see an elf’s butt.

7. “Time to die, Ken.”

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Yes, this is another takeoff from Dexter. And yes, it’s somehow a rather popular motif in these R-rated elf photos.

8. It’s never too late to go to the beach.

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Oh, no, Cringle’s with Barbie on the carpet with Don Julio. This won’t end well.

9. Elliot prefers guests go through the back door.

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But he’s also showing his but as if he’s mooning. Look, I really don’t want to know whether he enjoys butt stuff.

10. Jumbo’s made a confession.

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He’s confessing to be a dirty elf. Yet, I don’t know if “Jumbo” is his name or a moniker he chose for himself. If the latter, I know what it implies.

11. To Ningle, chimneys are always easier.

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Here he’s fastened onto a door with band-aids. Don’t really want to know what happened here.

12. “Sir, I’d like to see your license and registration.

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Not sure what Gleeker did. But whatever it was, it seems pretty bad. Oh, it’s cocaine possession.

13. What the hell is Quigley doing to Barbie?

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Yes, he’s pushing her down the drain. Not sure if he’s either dumping her dead body or torturing her. Nor do I want to know.

14. “Now kiss, girls.”

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Yes, there are guys who are into lesbian porn. And I’m sure Winker is one of them. But he prefers to see it live.

15. Dinky likes to watch bad reality shows.

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Don’t tell me they have a North Pole version of The Real Housewives. That stuff rots your brain.

16. Oh, crap, Bilker’s into the Colombian snow again.

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By that I mean, cocaine. And he’s using hte parents’ Master Card.

17. “Goodbye, and f*ck you.”

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Wesley always had an attitude. But I didn’t think he had it in him to cook someone in the microwave.

18. Vinny’s got a new look.

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A man bun may look good on a samurai. But it looks downright tacky on most other men.

19. “Just need a couple for my collection.”

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He’s collecting heads. Yes, doll heads. Barbie and Ken, you will be missed.

20. Elfiwise wants to play.

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Okay, he’s after children. And I’m sure this is an elf Stephen King would want to watch his grandkids.

21. What the hell is Yinker texting?

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Uh, this seems really dirty. And no, I don’t want to see his jingles.

22. “Say your prayers, Elmo.”

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Don’t tell me Hinkle’s going to throw darts at Elmo. What did Elmo do to him?

23. “Get your dick in a box.”

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He’s even wearing chains and glasses like you see in the SNL sketch. Still, thanks but no thanks.

24. Frinkle’s nabbed baby Jesus.

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Stealing from the nativity scene. That will surely get you sent to Hell.

25. So that’s why we can’t touch him.

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Wonder what Vinker did to receive that court order. Is he a sex offender? What’s the North Pole’s background check policy?

26. “Time to cook, Jesse.”

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Seems like the North Pole’s not paying the elves enough. So Benny had to take a side gig, which is selling blue meth a la Breaking Bad.

27. Okay, Randall, this is going too far.

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What did he do to Barbie? Did he rape her? Does he know rape is a felony? For God’s sake this is just a whole level of disturbing.

28. “Are you ready for your colonoscopy?”

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That’s when they put a tube up your ass to see if you have cancer. You’re also knocked out during the whole thing.

29. Quilly’s all tied up at the moment.

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Apparently, he seems to be into it for some reason. Don’t want to know what happens next.

30. E-Con kills elves dead.

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Dinky didn’t know he had it coming. Those mints are brutal.

31. Looks like Silvy’s blown his brains out.

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Said he has information on Hillary Clinton to ensure her arrest. For God’s sake is this a take off on some Clinton conspiracy theory?

32. “Any last words, Santa?”

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Vinty’s about to set Santa on fire. And he’s not afraid to use a lighter on the candle.

33. This train’s never stopping.

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And he’s gotten a Kelly doll died to the tracks. Only a matter of time until she gets run over.

34. Here Quentin hangs out with trolls.

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And they’re snorting cocaine. Not setting a good example isn’t he? Of course not.

35. Hinky’s making cookies.

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Those aren’t Hershey’s Kisses are they? So he’s basically shitting them out.

36. Linky’s got a message for the Cardinis.

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It says, “Suck mah balls” in toothpaste. Guy’s got a potty mouth.

37. Okay, who toilet papered the tree?

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Seems like Larry has some explaining to do. Still, there’s always another roll around somewhere.

38. Well, he did promise to get rid of Justin Bieber.

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But that didn’t include murdering him and putting his head in a fridge. What kind of sicko elf does that?

39. How sweet. Jax invited Rudolph for dinner.

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Actually he’s planning to kill Rudolph and serve him for dinner. Watch out for that knife, Rudolph!

40. Ninky’s a bit under the table at the moment.

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Mostly because he’s puking in the toilet. For God’s sake, that whiskey looks like strong stuff.

41. Nicky has something to say.

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No wonder they were able to find Bin Laden. Guess he’s an elf at a house of a Seal Team 6 member.

42. The Lego figures aren’t pleased with Dinkle.

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So they tie him up and put him on a car. Not sure what they’re going to do with him.

43. Dinny just wants to unwind.

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So he’s got himself a bottle of booze and some pills. Guess he’s watching over Donald Trump’s grandchildren.

44. “This won’t hurt a bit.”

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Sparkles has a guy tied to a bed and is wielding a mallet. Sure this won’t end well at all.

45. “Spank me, Barbie. Spank me.”

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Winko’s got some kind of kinks. As dominatrix Barbie is here to oblige.

46. Glinker’s always a generous customer.

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Yet, he’s paying plush dolls to pole dance. For God’s sake, please don’t subject Jessie to this.

47. Jingle’s got an interest in politics.

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He says he wants to build a big wall in the North Pole. And make the polar bears pay for it.

48. Slinky burned down Cheryl’s she-shed.

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You can see his eyes lack any shame. But our arsonist was never caught.

49. Just let Snowball lie.

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Yes, he’s passed out drinking. And yes, his late night party sprees have become a bit of a problem. That’s putting it mildly.

50. “Hanky, why did you have to cut the cheese?”

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By the way, don’t light your farts. Or you’ll end up with a burned face like Andy.

51. Klinkle knows how to get rid of the Wicked Witch of the West.

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Just throw water and she melts. Then show her broomstick to the wizard.

52. Sleigh Bell’s really gets around.

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Guess this is a takeoff on Maury’s “Who’s My Baby’s Daddy?” segment. So is it Santa or Frosty? If Santa, Mrs. Claus won’t be happy at all.

53. At least Jingler’s honest.

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So how did he become an elf on the shelf if he’s a pill popping sex addict and a drunk. An elf like that shouldn’t be near children.

54. Pringle has stumbled on the wrong track at the wrong time.

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As a result, a train ran over him while he was passed out. Such as sad and violent way to die.

55. Don’t want to see Buzz Lightyear walk in.

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Apparently, Jessie likes to ride a few horses. But I’m sure Buzz won’t be happy about this situation, especially in Spanish mode.

56. Petey’s got quite the talent.

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Too bad he defaced a baby picture. Seriously, doesn’t he have anything better to do?

57. “It puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again.”

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This is a take off from Silence of the Lambs. Here he lowers something for his hostage that he keeps in a hole in the ground.

58. Noel’s a big fan of Magic Mike.

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Seems like she’s having a wet dream of Channing Tatum. Still, despite being a heterosexual woman, I didn’t like Magic Mike.

59. Perry’s offering free mustache rides.

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You might want to pass on that. Even if he’s wearing a Santa suit. Guess watching children is a very boring job.

60. You don’t want to know what’s lurking in the storm drain.

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You can see Blanky with his cold eyes looking at the red balloon. Now he’s out for murder.

61. Impy has a message.

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He wants everyone to piss off. And he wrote it in pee on the ice.

62. McJingle would like to thank the Kelseys for taking him in.

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Is that in blood? And is he holding a knife? Quick hide the kids. Don’t want him to murder them in their sleep.

63. Brinker messed with the wrong ice queen.

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Mess with Queen Elsa and you’ll be frozen. That’s just how it goes. Brinker learned the hard way.

64. Flinker’s got the keys.

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Let’s hope he doesn’t decide to go on a joy ride. Because that would be bad.

65. Clinkers just wants some time to himself.

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So he’s looking at elf porn. Nonetheless, does he know those women aren’t really elves? Or doesn’t he care?

66. Susie needs to support herself somehow.

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Apparently, working at the North Pole doesn’t pay well. So Susie must do what she can to get by. Even by pole dancing.

67. “What happens when I pull this trigger?”

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Don’t try it, Bunky! Since you can’t assume a gun is loaded. No wonder I support gun control.

68. Pinkler always gets the money he needs.

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Sure he resorts to armed robbery. But he’s rolling in coins and bullets after robbing a gun and ammo store.

69. “Give me the money or else Santa dies.”

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What, kill Santa? Why would Evan even do such a thing? God, he should be in prison.

70. “Let’s cook.”

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Okay. Ingle cooks meth a la Walter White. Mostly because being an elf doesn’t pay the bills.

71. Stanley wants Santa’s soul.

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If I was Santa, I’d strongly put him on the naughty list. Because he’s a sociopathic demon.

72. Hope Ken doesn’t walk in.

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Here Minker is in bed and smoking cigarettes with Barbie. Wrong on so many levels.

73. How many Disney ladies can Ellis bed?

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Here he’s in bed with Ariel, Mulan, and Tinkerbell. Don’t want to ruin my childhood just yet.

74. Frinkle will have the Iron Throne.

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Bet he doesn’t want to know as long as he sits there, he’s in the hot seat. And he’ll eventually die, especially if he’s a disaster as ruler of the Seven Kingdoms.

75. Don’t want to know what Engle’s going to do with that beaver.

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He seems to be riding it with a rather suggestive grin. Also note that beaver is a slang term for female genitalia.

76. Lingle’s just reading a magazine.

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Apparently, that magazine is Playboy. And he’s certainly not reading it for the articles.

77. I think Drizzle’s a bit tied up.

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Is this supposed to be autoerotic asphyxiation? You know what actually killed David Carradine?

78. Here Glinko has two witches with him.

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And they’re Glinda and Elphaba. Wonder what can go wrong with that.

79. Queenie isn’t used to this toilet.

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Apparently, she shits mints. Don’t want to fish it out. No thanks.

80. Wringle’s just lounging around.

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Basically watching Barbie doing a naked pole dance. And he seems to enjoy it. That pervert.

 

 

Halloween Party Tricks or Treats (But Mostly Treats, Sort of) (Sixth Edition)

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Now that October has begun, it’s time to get scary. So I usually begin with my post of Halloween treats. Though I usually start after Columbus Day, I’m going to Charlotte to see my sister sometime later this month. So I decided to get the Halloween posts out early. Nonetheless, you find plenty of Halloween delights ranging from the utterly disgusting to the endlessly adorable. They may consist of ghosts, jack o’ lanterns, Frankenstein monsters, body parts, skeletons, witches, and what not. Yet, spooky food is bound to make one’s Halloween party worthwhile. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of Halloween treats. Enjoy, if you dare.

  1. Want an eyeball in your monster cupcake?
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These are chocolate topped with green icing and slime. Perfect for any monster mash.

2. These cookies are really batty.

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While most bat cookies have black wings, these have wings in a variety of colors and patterns. Like the purple one with stars.

3. Hope you give any bones about these skull cupcakes.

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The skulls are probably made from candy. Has M&M eyes. So cute and scary.

4. Help yourself to a spider bun.

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Seems like they contain cheese and are toasted underneath. Also have pretzel stick legs.

5. These Frankenstein Rice Krispie treats are monstrously tasty.

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Each consists of a bar with a Frankenstein monster face. They’re so cute it’s scary.

6. Nothing makes your monster mash like these monster cupcakes.

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Well, the monsters are quite cute than scary. Though a purple one does have 3 eyes.

7. Can I interest you in Frankencake?

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It’s just a cake with Frankenstein’s monster on it. A perfect dessert for any Halloween party.

8. A jack o’ lantern calzone makes an ideal hot lunch.

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I call it a calzone since it has a jack o’ lantern crust on top of it. But it’s nonetheless adorable.

9. Perhaps your little monster would like this haunted house bento house.

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The haunted house is made from cheese on a pita. Includes bats and ghosts.

10. Nobody can resist these batty cupcakes.

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They have faces made out of cookies. Also have chocolate cookie wings.

11. Want a piece of this jack o’ lantern cake?

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It’s actually a tear away cupcake cake. Feel free to take a bite if you dare.

12. Want to try these ghostly strawberries?

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These are strawberries dipped in white chocolate. Contain chocolate chip eyes and mouths.

13. Impress your Halloween party guests with this jack o’ lantern snack tray.

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Luckily most snacks are in shades of yellow and orange. Use olives for the eyes, nose, and mouth.

14. A chocolate pretzel monster might suit your fancy.

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These are mostly pretzel sticks covered in chocolate. These are purple.

15. This scary cake is bound to be a grave yard smash.

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It’s a graveyard cake. Even has a graham cracker shack and cookie tombstones.

16. Apparently, the witch got smashed by this cupcake.

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You could see her legs though. By the way, cupcake has green icing.

17. Seems like these monstrous cake pops are here to see you.

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Each of them has an eye made from icing and M&Ms. But each is iced and sprinkled in a different color.

18. You’ll come crawling for this spider cookie.

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This one has M&M and chocolate chip eyes. Also has pretzel legs. So cute.

19. Hocus Pocus fans would love these brownies.

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They’re the book brownies from that movie. Each of them contains an eye.

20. You can dip anything into this cheesy pumpkin.

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Covered either by Cheez-Its or Doritos. Facial features consist of olive pieces.

21. You’ll find plenty of scary creatures on this cheese pizza.

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Consists of spiders, bats, pumpkins, and ghosts. Great for any Halloween party and lunch.

22.  Perhaps you’d want a tombstone on a Rice Krispie treats.

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Seems more like a pudding treat. Has candy corn pumpkins beside the Oreo tombstones.

23. Feel free to have a chocolate spider.

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Man, these look creepy. All have licorice legs and blackberry heads.

24. These black cat cakes will always make your Halloween purr-fect.

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Each of these even has green eyes. Also they’re covered in chocolate. Must be delicious.

25. Want some green hot chocolate?

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The marshmallows have eyes. Don’t want to know what’s cooking in that cup.

26. Eat, drink, and be scary with these Halloween pop tarts.

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Not sure what these are. Are they hot pockets? Pop tarts? Calzones?

27. This pizza is infested with spiders.

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Relax, these are olives on a spider web pizza. And yes, the web’s made from cheese.

28. Make your Halloween fun with these peeps cupcakes.

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Yes, they have those inedible marshmallow candies for Halloween, too. It’s all part of Christmasfication at its finest. After all, why stick with one holiday if you can profit from them all?

29. Get a bite out of these jack o’ lantern cookies.

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Each of these is professionally decorated. While they all have their own unique expressions.

30. These cookies are nothing short of monstrous.

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Well, there only a few monsters here. One’s a mummy, by the way.

31. Pumpkin or black cat peanut butter bites, anyone?

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They’re all covered in chocolate. Though only the cats have eyes, ears, and a tail.

32. These spider buns are especially cheesy.

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They’re also covered in poppy seeds. So best you don’t eat if you have a job interview coming up sometime that week.

33. You’ll find plenty of spiders crawling on this cake.

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They seem to be made of peanut M&Ms. Come in green, orange, and yellow.

34. Feel free to dip your nachos in Franckenguac.

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Because Frankenstein’s monster is normally depicted in green. Hair’s made out of black nachos. Facial features made from sour cream and olives.

35. You’ll be crawling for these Halloween spider cookies.

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They’re peanut butter cookies with Reese’s cups. Have icing legs and eyes with chocolate chip pupils.

36. You might enjoy these ghostly chocolate cake bites.

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They’re dripped with white icing and chocolate chip eyes. Though before you dump the icing, put them on a plate first.

37. Want some ghostly pizza bites?

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Each of these is on a little pizza as a slice of cheese. And yes, they’re spookily adorable.

38.  Feel free to feast on this jack o’ lantern veggie tray.

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Mostly consists of baby carrots. Mouth and nose are made from cucumber slices. Eyes are dip bowls. While the stem’s mostly celery.

39. You’ll love these adorably frightful meringue spiders.

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And yes, they’re chocolate. Got to love the licorice legs and beady green M&M eyes.

40. These zombie cookies are good beyond the grave.

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You can tell they’re zombies since they have brains sticking out. Not to mention missing an eye.

41. Have a spooky good time with some ghostly bark.

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It’s just bark with ghosts on it. Available in orange and purple.

42. Want to taste some Jell-O witch’s brew?

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It’s just a pudding cauldron cup with eyes and candy bones. Perfect for any Halloween party.

43. Perhaps you’d want a cake like this on the graveyard shift.

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It’s actually a 2-tiered graveyard cake. Has a tombstone at the top. Also includes ghosts and pumpkins.

44. Perhaps you’d like a small monster truffle.

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Doused in purple icing and decorated in sprinkles. Sure they may be cyclops. But they’re adorable.

45. Feel free to take a brainy cupcake.

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I was wondering when I’ll get to some of the more disgusting treats. Still, the brains are made of icing.

46. These jack o’lantern cupcakes can be frightfully delightful.

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All have orange icing that’s dripping on the edges. All have a marshmallow jack-o’-lantern on top.

47. Grace your Halloween dessert platter with this zombie unicorn cake.

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Because why should we be deprived unicorns this Halloween? Sure it’s dead but it’s quite scary for the occasion.

48. Your spooky Halloween party’s never complete without some jack-o’-lantern cupcakes.

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You can see they’re decked with orange and black icing. Some have candy leaves on them.

49. Treat your witches with these witch hat cookies.

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They mostly consist of chocolate shortbread cookies with Hershey’s kisses on them. Each has a different color icing ribbon.

50. Treat yourself this Halloween with some spider pudding pie.

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This mostly consist of a spider web with Oreo spiders on them. Their eyes are so cute.

51. Who could ever resist these Twinkie ghosts?

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These consist of Twinkies cut in half, doused in white chocolate, and sport chocolate chip eyes. And yes, they’re adorable.

52. You’d be scared not to take these cookies.

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Mostly consist of black cats and bats. And all covered in black sprinkles.

53. Want to try this chocolate spider web cookie cake?

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It’s on a chocolate cookie with white icing. And yes, the spiders are made out of Oreos.

54. Want a slice of candy corn cake?

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Well, at least it’s tastier than the real sugar wax candies. Even have a smiling face.

55. Some witch must’ve run into a cake.

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She might’ve been drunk on too much potion. Please don’t drink and fly. You never know what you’ll hit.

56. You’ll be crawling for a chocolate spider’s web cheesecake.

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This one has a more refined web design. The spider’s made from a chocolate cookie.

57. Nothing makes a spooky Halloween party like a jack-o’-lantern cake.

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Of course, you’d have to use multiple layers. Not to mention put a green ice cream cone on top.

58. Perhaps you might want a meringue ghost or two.

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And yes, they’re white with chocolate chip eyes. Perfect for your Halloween dessert platter.

59. You’d like to break with these Frankenstein Kit-Kat bars.

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They’re just Kit-Kat bars with Frankenstein faces. And yes, they’re covered with icing with chocolate chip eyes. Also uses Reese’s cups for hair.

60. You’ll be all wrapped up with these mummy Oreos.

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They’re in white chocolate with drizzle. While these are served on black napkins.

61. You won’t have any bad luck with this black cat cake.

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Technically it’s a chocolate cake with chocolate icing. But it’s still cute even with rather intimidating features.

62. These cauldron cupcakes are quite bubbly.

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Though I think the bubbles are just candy. While they all seemed stirred by a pretzel stick.

63. For your black cat cake, try these black cat cupcakes.

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Yes, they’re more chocolate than black. But they’re all covered in sprinkles.

64. There’s something ghostly about this pudding treat.

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Well, the ghost is made from white chocolate. Then again, it might be an ice cream treat. Has chocolate chip eyes, too.

65. You wouldn’t want to venture into this Oreo graveyard.

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Seems more like a pudding treat. Has candy corn pumpkins beside the Oreo tombstones.

66. Grace your appetizer platter with this scary clown veggie tray.

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These veggies are so healthy it’s scary. And yes, this clown will still scare the hell out of you.

67. Bet you might want to feast on this tombstone cupcake.

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Yes, that’s a worm. But the tombstone’s made out of a wafer cookie sandwich.

68. These Rice Krispie treats sure get quite brainy.

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Yes, they’re shaped like brains which is pretty disgusting. And yes, they’re pretty disgusting.

69. These eye of newt donuts are simply monstrous.

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All of these drip in brightly colored icing with candy eyes. While they’re all decorated with sprinkles.

70. Perhaps you might want some lunch with Death.

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Includes the Grim Reaper dressed in a robe of black nachos around a salad skeletal face. He even has a scythe. So cute.

71. These ghost cake squares will be great for your Halloween dessert platter.

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The ghosts are tufts of whipped cream with chocolate chip eyes. While the squares are orange with a chocolate bottom.

72. No one can resist these monstrous whoopie pies.