Say, “No,” to the Dress

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I may not be married and have no boyfriend or fiance to make wedding plans with to speak of as of 2015, but I know that spring and summer tend to be high times for weddings around this time of year. So since my next opportunity for a holiday post is in July, I feel I might as well do some wedding posts since everyone tends to relate to those things. Of course, almost every young girl has dreamed of her very own special day down the aisle on her fairy tale wedding in her very own princess gown marrying the Prince Charming of her dreams. Now for the bride to be planning her nuptials with Mr. Let’s Hope He’s Right, there are plenty of dresses to choose from for her particular bridal preference. And there are even stores that sell them as well. Sure wedding dresses are expensive but if I were getting married, I’d choose one that makes me look elegant and tasteful, wouldn’t make me look like a laughing stock if my kids saw it in my wedding picture, wouldn’t make my friends and relatives question my fashion sense, and is at a decent price (like not taking half the budget). Now there are a lot of beautiful wedding dresses out there for any bride to be, but this isn’t the post for them because I’ve never been married and thus have no experience wedding dress shopping to tell you. However, when it comes to dresses brides shouldn’t wear, then I’m your girl and believe me, there some horrendously terrible wedding dresses out there. Some of them are skanky, some look too blown up, and some of them make you wonder what kind of acid the fashion designer was taking. But whatever the case, they make it to the internet so some blogger like me can compile a post on them in order to reverse her May long slump when she had a computer crash that put in a shop over the weekend. So without further adieu, I give you the kind of dresses you will never see on that famed TLC show as well as bound to turn any blushing bride into a ferocious Bridezilla. Some of these may not be safe for work by the way.

1. Now the bride is at the altar, I wonder how the groom is going to kiss her.

After the wedding, it's said a dress like this is taken apart and repurposed for window drapery. Seriously, does this woman get hot from the waist down? I mean how is she going to have room in the limo or coach?

After the wedding, it’s said a dress like this is taken apart and repurposed for window drapery. Seriously, does this woman get hot from the waist down? I mean how is she going to have room in the limo or coach? Also, I think the white stuff behind it is a train.

2. In the future, it’s said that women will soon ditch the bridal veils for the intergalactic bridal dress cap during their intergalactic weddings.

Now this is the perfect wedding dress for the bride who wants her wedding on Mars or on the International Space Station. But of course, I'm not sure having a wedding in space is worth it.

Now this is the perfect wedding dress for the bride who wants her wedding on Mars or on the International Space Station. But of course, I’m not sure having a wedding in space is worth it.

3. While most women are married in a white gown, it doesn’t hurt if you go with multicolored trimmings.

Okay, now how does this woman manage to keep a straight face and not look ridiculous in this? For God's sake the ruffles look like they're straight out of the Tudor years. And I'm sure women in Queen Elizabeth's day wore the kind of skirt as underwear.

Okay, now how does this woman manage to keep a straight face and not look ridiculous in this? For God’s sake the ruffles look like they’re straight out of the Tudor years. And I’m sure women in Queen Elizabeth’s day wore the kind of skirt as underwear.

4. Yes, nothing makes a wedding dress like great big sleeves.

Yeah, I'm sure big poofy sleeves on a wedding dress are so 16th century. What's even worse about this dress is that it's from the Sex and the City movie.

Yeah, I’m sure big poofy sleeves on a wedding dress are so 16th century. What’s even worse about this dress is that it’s from the Sex and the City movie.

5. Origami styled wedding dress or dress inspired by large napkin holder?

Sure it might be roomy underneath. But I wouldn't be caught dead in the type of dress that seems like it was designed from a paper accordion.

Sure it might be roomy underneath. But I wouldn’t be caught dead in the type of dress that seems like it was designed from a paper accordion.

6. I’m sure after she gets out of this dress, she’ll be using it for curtains.

Yes, I suppose she saw it in the window and just had to have it. Still, I'm also sure that she's not wearing a bra underneath.

Yes, I suppose she saw it in the window and just had to have it. Still, I’m also sure that she’s not wearing a bra underneath.

7. Wedding dress or the Las Vegas showgirl outfit?

I'm sure this is the kind of wedding dress a young woman wears if her father's the owner of a multibillion dollar Las Vegas casino. Yeah, I'm sure a lot of gambling addicts  lost their life savings to pay for it.

I’m sure this is the kind of wedding dress a young woman wears if her father’s the owner of a multibillion dollar Las Vegas casino. Yeah, I’m sure a lot of gambling addicts lost their life savings to pay for it.

8. When it comes to decorating your wedding veil, you can’t overdo it with the jewelry.

Still, I'm sure Celine Dion could totally afford looking like the White Witch of Narnia if she wants to. Of course, not sure if they played,

Still, I’m sure Celine Dion could totally afford looking like the White Witch of Narnia if she wants to. Of course, not sure if they played, “My Heart Will Go On,” at her wedding to a guy who’s old enough to be her father, no less.

9. You know what looks good on a wedding dress? Feathers!

Actually I stand corrected. If she had the feathers from her dress removed, she would've looked a thousand times better than some anime princess from a video game.

Actually I stand corrected. If she had the feathers from her dress removed, she would’ve looked a thousand times better than some anime princess from a video game.

10. Sometimes less is more. But there are times when you need to cover up.

Let's just say while beach weddings may seem romantic, getting married in your speedo isn't. This is especially true for anyone over the age of 50.

Let’s just say while beach weddings may seem romantic, getting married in your speedo isn’t. This is especially true for anyone over the age of 50.

11. While this bride has her face covered in a veil, the rest of her suggests otherwise.

Just love the look on her dad's face as he walks her down the aisle. Yeah, I'm sure he told her time and time again to dress nice but   she doesn't seem to have listened to him one bit.

Just love the look on her dad’s face as he walks her down the aisle. Yeah, I’m sure he told her time and time again to dress nice but she doesn’t seem to have listened to him one bit.

12. Not sure if she’s the bride or the stripper at the bachelor party. Maybe both.

I think this might be Mariah Carey on her wedding day. Not sure why she's no wearing a skirt under her garters.

I think this might be Mariah Carey on her wedding day. Not sure why she’s no wearing a skirt under her garters.

13. Sometimes a bride’s dress can really light up a room at her wedding.

I don't know about you, but when I see a light up wedding dress, I tend to think of either the Hunger Games or TRON: Legacy for some reason. I don't know why.

I don’t know about you, but when I see a light up wedding dress, I tend to think of either the Hunger Games or TRON: Legacy for some reason. I don’t know why.

14. Sometime during the 1980s it became customary for some families to fashion the bride’s dress from either drapery or tablecloths.

I'm sure my grandparents decorate their windows with what she has on. Thank God, they didn't have that tradition in their house. So my mom and my sisters didn't have to wear outfits like that at their weddings.

I’m sure my grandparents decorate their windows with what she has on. Thank God, they didn’t have that tradition in their house. So my mom and my sisters didn’t have to wear outfits like that at their weddings.

15. Let’s see, by looking at the groom’s taste in fashion, I’m sure the wedding song is, “Springtime for Hitler” or something from Richard Wagner.

Okay, I know that Nazi uniform weddings are a thing in China, which is disturbing enough. Still, if I saw my fiance at the altar wearing one of these, I'd just run out of the church or just say,

Okay, I know that Nazi uniform weddings are a thing in China, which is disturbing enough. Still, if I saw my fiance at the altar wearing one of these, I’d just run out of the church or just say, “I don’t.” Seriously, wearing Nazi uniforms at weddings is never a good idea. Nevertheless, I’d like to see  what his Jewish bride thinks about this.

16. As soon as Glinda the Good Witch of the North boarded her carriage, her husband soon found himself suffocating just by the sheer girth of her dress.

Oh, yes, I'm sure with dresses like these, some grooms are bound to be crushed by them. Seriously, it takes an entire seating area.

Oh, yes, I’m sure with dresses like these, some grooms are bound to be crushed by them. Seriously, it takes an entire seating area.

17. While most wedding dresses use lace and veils, this one gives a new twist.

Okay, not only does this gown show way too much skin, it seems like the designer had absolutely no accounting for taste. Seriously, why would any girl want to be married in that?

Okay, not only does this gown show way too much skin, it seems like the designer had absolutely no accounting for taste. Seriously, why would any girl want to be married in that? Seems like she’s on her way to some cult ritual at a hot spring resort.

18. Perhaps a more naturalistic approach is in order.

Okay, maybe the more naturalistic approach is a bad idea. Seriously, she looks like a garden vine fixture in that outfit.

Okay, maybe the more naturalistic approach is a bad idea. Seriously, she looks like a garden vine fixture in that outfit.

19. Let’s see how they scramble as the stripper bride tosses her wedding bouquet.

Now this is known as the

Now this is known as the “Safe Auto” wedding dress since it’s bound to guarantee minimum coverage for minimum budgets. Wait, is that MTV in the background? Shit! Still, wonder how her grandchildren will react to this.

20. Of course, some people opt for fantasy weddings with their favorite woodland creatures.

Now this just looks like something I've seen in a bad 1980s fantasy film. And no, I don't mean the one with David Bowie in tight leather pants. Still, loved the owl, which I'm sure is stuffed.

Now this just looks like something I’ve seen in a bad 1980s fantasy film. And no, I don’t mean the one with David Bowie in tight leather pants. Still, loved the owl, which I’m sure is stuffed.

21. Because if you want your wedding dress to shimmer, you better use wires.

Oh, wait, this is Beyonce at the BET Awards in 2009. Okay, now I can totally understand why she wore her wedding dress like that. Still, I'm sure Jay-Z would never let Blue Ivy Carter wear that.

Oh, wait, this is Beyonce at the BET Awards in 2009. Okay, now I can totally understand why she wore her wedding dress like that. Still, I’m sure Jay-Z would never let Blue Ivy Carter wear that.

22. Sure most women only wear their wedding dresses once. Others also use them as tents, literally.

And this bride also seems to use her special dress as a lookout tower as she and her hubby go on their honeymoon. Still, camo wedding dresses, tent or not, need to go.

And this bride also seems to use her special dress as a lookout tower as she and her hubby go on their honeymoon. Still, camo wedding dresses, tent or not, need to go.

23. Of course, all girls wish to get married in a Cinderella dress. But an actual Disney Cinderella dress? Not so much.

Come to think of it, Cinderella wasn't among my favorite Disney movies. I'm more a fan of Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin. Still, someone seems utterly stuck in their childhood. Wonder if her fiance has a shoe fetish?

Come to think of it, Cinderella wasn’t among my favorite Disney movies. I’m more a fan of Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin. Still, someone seems utterly stuck in their childhood. Wonder if her fiance has a shoe fetish?

24. Now this would make a great wedding decoration in the reception hall.

Wait a minute, is that a wedding dress? For God's sake, I can't even see the girl's face! Seriously, how is the groom supposed to kiss her?

Wait a minute, is that a wedding dress? For God’s sake, I can’t even see the girl’s face! Seriously, how is the groom supposed to kiss her?

25. This is the wedding dress for the woman marrying the man of her dreams, if he happens to be the Michelin Tire Man.

Same goes if she's bent on marrying the Stay Puft Marshmallow Guy. But I'm really not sure how that would work out since he's a giant in Ghostbusters.

Same goes if she’s bent on marrying the Stay Puft Marshmallow Guy. But I’m really not sure how that would work out since he’s a giant in Ghostbusters.

26. On wedding dresses, you can never have too many ribbons.

Okay, I was wrong. Still, this looks like something straight from Lolicon. I mean the Lolita inspired dresses fad that's big in Japan for some reason.

Okay, I was wrong. Still, this looks like something straight from Lolicon. I mean the Lolita inspired dresses fad that’s big in Japan for some reason.

27. Wedding dresses don’t always have to be white, but I’m not sure about this one.

Well, I'm sure if you're planning a Hunger Games style wedding, this would be perfect. Reminds me of something Effie Trinket would wear.  May the marriage odds be in your favor.

Well, I’m sure if you’re planning a Hunger Games style wedding, this would be perfect. Reminds me of something Effie Trinket would wear. May the marriage odds be in your favor.

28. This dress will certainly bring the light in a really dark reception hall.

Okay, now this dress reminds me of TRON: Legacy. More appropriate if your reception hall is a disco club or a rave.

Okay, now this dress reminds me of TRON: Legacy. More appropriate if your reception hall is a disco club or a rave.

29. Nothing says wedding like a princess Barbie ballroom wedding gown from the 1980s.

Okay, unlike the Barbie movies might imply, a Barbie princess dress doesn't hold up in real life, girls. Also, the guy doesn't look any better.

Okay, unlike the Barbie movies might imply, a Barbie princess dress doesn’t hold up in real life, girls. Also, the guy doesn’t look any better.

30. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you punk rocker and porn star.”

Now I'm sure their grandchildren will wonder what they were up to when they tied the knot. Seriously, there's something so wrong about this picture. Like  she's a stripper and he's a shirtless tourist in Vegas.

Now I’m sure their grandchildren will wonder what they were up to when they tied the knot. Seriously, there’s something so wrong about this picture. Like she’s a stripper and he’s a shirtless tourist in Vegas.

31. Well, at least she doesn’t have to change into something more comfortable on her wedding night.

I'm sure this is how Victoria's Secret is trying to get in the wedding business. Wonder how that would work out. Seriously, while it might make a nice wedding nightie, not sure if I'd wear that down the aisle.

I’m sure this is how Victoria’s Secret is trying to get in the wedding business. Wonder how that would work out. Seriously, while it might make a nice wedding nightie, not sure if I’d wear that down the aisle.

32. Sometimes unconventional can be your way to go.

To be fair, the bride is a sheep farmer. So it's only natural for her to want a sheepskin dress. Yet, not sure if I'd want to wear a wool skirt at my wedding.

To be fair, the bride is a sheep farmer. So it’s only natural for her to want a sheepskin dress. Yet, not sure if I’d want to wear a wool skirt at my wedding.

33. Now I’m sure a wedding could surely be livened up with balloons.

I don't know about you. But I really feel tempted to stick a pin in it and see what happens. I'm sure wearing this you wouldn't be able to sit down without hearing a few pops now and then.

I don’t know about you. But I really feel tempted to stick a pin in it and see what happens. I’m sure wearing this you wouldn’t be able to sit down without hearing a few pops now and then.

34. Some couples just want to pledge their vows up in the air.

Fortunately, the brides extraordinary long train makes a dandy safety procedure in the event of an emergency. Of course, they might need to inflict some damage to  tie it to a basket.

Fortunately, the brides extraordinary long train makes a dandy safety procedure in the event of an emergency. Of course, they might need to cut it off  before tying it to the basket.

35. Okay, is this supposed to be wedding attire or a Victoria’s Secret photoshoot.

Seriously, I'm sure that getting married in a bikini is a very bad idea. Besides, Victoria's Secret should never get into the wedding business.

Seriously, I’m sure that getting married in a bikini is a very bad idea. Besides, Victoria’s Secret should never get into the wedding business.

36. Nothing says true love like a perky pink wedding dress with hearts.

Now this might not be as slutty as some other but she kind of looks like she takes the evening shift as a table dancer at the Kit Kat Club. Also, the pink is just hideous.

Now this might not be as slutty as some other but she kind of looks like she takes the evening shift as a table dancer at the Kit Kat Club. Also, the pink is just hideous and akin to bridal wear in Vegas.

37. Nothing says wedding like a bridal gown of roses.

Let's hope these aren't real. But I'm not sure a rose wedding dress would be comfortable. Seriously, why?

Let’s hope these aren’t real. But I’m not sure a rose wedding dress would be comfortable. Seriously, why?

38. I suppose this Muslim girl was determined to get married in her finest family drapery.

I'm sure part of the curtain rod is within her wedding crown piece. Still, I've seen nice Muslim style wedding dresses and some of them are quite nice. This one is beyond tacky. Still, kind of reminds me of what you'd see an Egyptian Pharaoh would wear in increment weather.

I’m sure part of the curtain rod is within her wedding crown piece. Still, I’ve seen nice Muslim style wedding dresses and some of them are quite nice. This one is beyond tacky. Still, kind of reminds me of what you’d see an Egyptian Pharaoh would wear in increment weather.

39. I suppose this wedding dress is more for the bedroom, I reckon.

Then again, she could just be the childish stripper hired for the bachelor party. Still, the ringlets don't make this woman seem any more innocent.

Then again, she could just be the childish stripper hired for the bachelor party. Still, the ringlets don’t make this woman seem any more innocent.

40. Sure you might want to show some skin at your wedding, but you might want to remain tasteful as well.

Now this woman really seems to get her dress at the same place where you can get the sexy French Maid or the Naughty Nurse costume. Also has a long train for some reason. Maybe she should've had a dress made from that.

Now this woman really seems to get her dress at the same place where you can get the Sexy French Maid or the Naughty Nurse costume. Also has a long train for some reason. Maybe she should’ve had a dress made from that.

41. Of course, everyone loves rainbows and weddings so why can’t the two be together?

While it's supposed to be a wedding picture, I can't help but see these two as possible leaders in a cult ritual. Seriously, I wouldn't associate that kind of attire with wedding attire.

While it’s supposed to be a wedding picture, I can’t help but see these two as possible leaders in a cult ritual. Seriously, I wouldn’t associate that kind of attire with weddings.

42. At times, there are brides who think swim wear would make appropriate wedding attire. I’m not so sure about that.

Not sure if I think this is skimpy because it's short or that the bride isn't wearing a bra. Either way,  wouldn't want to wear that for my wedding.

Not sure if I think this is skimpy because it’s short or that the bride isn’t wearing a bra. Either way, wouldn’t want to wear that for my wedding.

43. For those planning a winter wedding, may I suggest a bride should get a dress that’s trimmed with fur.

Unfortunately, this wedding dress has the fur trimmed the wrong way. Seriously, I'm not sure who'd hate this more: brides to be or PETA.

Unfortunately, this wedding dress has the fur trimmed the wrong way. Seriously, I’m not sure who’d hate this more: brides to be or PETA.

44. In the 1980s, when dress weren’t designed based on tablecloths and drapery, they ripped off from lampshades.

Yes, that skirt resembles the kind of frilly lampshade you'd either see in an antique shop or a little girl's room. Not much a fan of the sleeves either.

Yes, that skirt resembles the kind of frilly lampshade you’d either see in an antique shop or a little girl’s room. Not much a fan of the sleeves either.

45. Of course, when it comes to simplicity, just a plain old white dress will do.

Now I know that some brides need something old for their wedding day. But isn't wearing your great-great grandmother's wedding dress kind of pushing the envelope?  Just saying.

Now I know that some brides need something old for their wedding day. But isn’t wearing your great-great grandmother’s wedding dress kind of pushing the envelope? Just saying.

46. Strut down the aisle like a pretty peacock in this peacock feather dress.

Wonder how many male birds had to die to make this dress. Also, it seems to have a very long train that covers most of the floor.

Wonder how many male birds had to die to make this dress. Also, it seems to have a very long train that covers most of the floor.

47. For a 4th of July wedding, a bride should always walk down the aisle showing her love for America as a patriotic princess.

Actually as per my American flag article, this is the kind of dress a patriotic princess shouldn't wear to her wedding unless she's marrying Captain America. Seriously, wearing the stars and stripes is said to be very disrespectful according to the flag code.

Actually as per my American flag article, this is the kind of dress a patriotic princess shouldn’t wear to her wedding unless she’s marrying Captain America. Seriously, wearing the stars and stripes is said to be very disrespectful according to the flag code. But Americans can’t really help it. So, hello, Mrs. Captain America.

48. Don’t like wedding veils? Well, here’s a wedding hood.

I don't know about you but as an American, I tend to associate white pointy hoods with a group known for burning crosses and lynching black people for some reason. I don't know what. But I'd think she'd go with the Nazi groom quite nicely.

I don’t know about you but as an American, I tend to associate white pointy hoods with a group known for burning crosses and lynching black people for some reason. I don’t know what. But I’d think she’d go with the Nazi groom quite nicely.

49. No bridal gown is complete without a couple of tentacles at the skirt.

Seriously, putting tentacles on a dress is a horrible idea that even the model  can't hide her dismay. Seriously, no girl wants to be married in a dress that makes her look like an octopus!

Seriously, putting tentacles on a dress is a horrible idea that even the model can’t hide her dismay. I mean no girl wants to be married in a dress that makes her look like an octopus!

50. With wedding gowns, you can’t overdo the veil, especially in the 1980s.

Man, that veil reminds me of one of those shower puff balls you'd rub soap on for some reason. I'm not sure why.

Man, that veil reminds me of one of those shower puff balls you’d rub soap on for some reason. I’m not sure why.

51. While I see nothing wrong with brides showing some cleavage, there are times when some do go too far.

Now while this dress is more appropriate for a porno, exposed nipples are a wedding no-no. Also, she looks as if she's prancing around in some old timey underwear.

Now while this dress is more appropriate for a porno, exposed nipples are a wedding no-no. Also, she looks as if she’s prancing around in some old timey underwear.

52. If you can’t afford a veil, it doesn’t hurt to fashion one from a shower curtain.

Okay, now while this is certainly practical for a rainy day nuptial, it also seems more appropriate for either a 1980s sci-fi movie or a Lady Gaga music video.

Okay, now while this is certainly practical for a rainy day nuptial, it also seems more appropriate for either a 1980s sci-fi movie or a Lady Gaga music video.

53. Well, this is the bridal gown for the woman who has a board meeting after the ceremony.

Is it just me or does anyone think that bridal attire and business suits shouldn't go together? Seriously, is this woman being given away by her regional manager?

Is it just me or does anyone think that bridal attire and business suits shouldn’t go together? Is this woman being given away by her regional manager?

54. While some brides opt to be married in a church with a tall steeple, I’m not sure if a cathedral hat is a good idea.

While this is said to enhance her as some exotic princess in Eastern Europe, she more or less tends to remind me more of the Chrysler Building. That or a possible lady in waiting to the Queen of Hears from Alice in Wonderland.

While this is said to enhance her as some exotic princess in Eastern Europe, she more or less tends to remind me more of the Chrysler Building. That or a possible lady in waiting to the Queen of Hears from Alice in Wonderland.

55. Now this would be a perfect dress for any bride who’s a fan of The Tudors.

The dress may seem Elizabethan, but I'm sure the cap reminds me of what Queen Elizabeth probably wore in her later years while her wigs needed work done. Still, I'm sure this gown wouldn't be very comfortable.

The dress may seem Elizabethan, but I’m sure the cap reminds me of what Queen Elizabeth probably wore in her later years while her wigs needed work done. Still, I’m sure this gown wouldn’t be very comfortable.

56. In the 1980s, it wasn’t unusual for women to sport big hair, big dresses, and big sleeves.

Yeah, I'm sure a dress like that took 3 hours to get in as well as 2 seats in a car. Also, probably gave a reason for the church to put on the air conditioner early.

Yeah, I’m sure a dress like that took 3 hours to get in as well as 2 seats in a car. Also, probably gave a reason for the church to put on the air conditioner early.

57. Nothing makes a great wedding gown than a large big bow on the top of a veil.

With a veil like this, it would be amazing if this woman didn't trip on it as she walks down the aisle. Anyway, still looks pretty ridiculous and more suited for mosquito bed netting.

With a veil like this, it would be amazing if this woman didn’t trip on it as she walks down the aisle. Anyway, still looks pretty ridiculous and more suited for mosquito bed netting.

58. With a dress like this, I’m sure the venue will certainly get Showtime during the reception.

However, I'm not sure this satellite TV style wedding dress would get any good reception among wedding guests. Still, more appropriate for a sci-fi film than anything else.

However, I’m not sure this satellite TV style wedding dress would get any good reception among wedding guests. Still, more appropriate for a sci-fi film than anything else.

59. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Florence of Arabia.

Of course, I'm not sure a Lawrence of Arabia wedding theme would work because the movie has absolutely no female characters in it. But still, I can totally imagine Peter O' Toole wearing that thing, which is kind of disturbing in itself.

Of course, I’m not sure a Lawrence of Arabia themed straight wedding would work because the movie has absolutely no female characters in it. But still, I can totally imagine Peter O’ Toole wearing that thing, which is kind of disturbing in itself.

60. Of course, while the bride is suppose to be the center of attention, sometimes she tends to wear less than the groom.

Just because June corresponds with weddings and swimsuits, doesn't mean you should combine the two. Seriously, a wedding bikini is a terrible idea.

Just because June corresponds with weddings and swimsuits, doesn’t mean you should combine the two. Seriously, a wedding bikini is a terrible idea.

61. When it comes to weddings, who needs a dress when the bride can have a floor length veil?

Now this kind of reminds me of a woman in a sci-fi film who's entrenched in a full body bag she can walk in. Well, at least the veil would come in handy protecting her against mosquitoes during her wedding in sub Sahara Africa.

Now this kind of reminds me of a woman in a sci-fi film who’s entrenched in a full body bag she can walk in. Well, at least the veil would come in handy protecting her against mosquitoes during her wedding in sub Sahara Africa.

62. Screw wedding attire and get married in body paint clothes and swimwear covering your naughty bits. It’s said to be much cheaper.

Now I'm sure that people won't know the difference between actual clothes and airbrush paint on one's body. Oh, I forget it's easily noticeable. Seriously, why?

Now I’m sure that people won’t know the difference between actual clothes and airbrush paint on one’s body. Oh, I forget it’s easily noticeable. Seriously, why?

63. Nothing says true love than wearing a wedding dress in support of your man’s favorite basketball team.

Let's just say if there's a place where sports licensed products shouldn't have a place in, then weddings would be it. Still, at least the groom won't feel that she's not just thinking about herself here.

Let’s just say if there’s a place where sports licensed products shouldn’t have a place in, then weddings would be it. Still, at least the groom won’t feel that she’s not just thinking about herself here.

64. This woman’s wedding hat is so big that she has to get people to put sticks under it for support.

I wouldn't advise any bride-to-be to have a dress like this since it's totally not practical. Seriously, the hat is obviously way too big.

I wouldn’t advise any bride-to-be to have a dress like this since it’s totally not practical. Seriously, the hat is obviously way too big it has to be supported by 4 guys with long sticks.

65. Now if you’re marrying in a very cold place, this wedding dress will make you feel safe and warm.

For God's sake, this outfit makes her look like a giant tampon! Perhaps this dress is better suited as a Public Service mascot costume that helps teach girls about feminine hygiene than a wedding.

For God’s sake, this outfit makes her look like a giant walking tampon! Perhaps this dress is better suited as a Public Service mascot costume that helps teach girls about feminine hygiene than a wedding.

66. When it comes to a wedding gown, the train can never be too long.

Seems like this train is so long that it can be used to cover at least a dozen beds, perhaps as many as there are people holding it. Seriously, it's way too long and probably had to be rolled out, too.

Seems like this train is so long that it can be used to cover at least a dozen beds, perhaps as many as there are people holding it. Seriously, it’s way too long and probably had to be rolled out, too.

67. When choosing a wedding gown, brides should always make a selection that corresponds with their bra size.

From how I see it, the bride's chest seems like it's exploding with delight, to put it metaphorically. Then again if her husband's a breast man, he probably won't mind. Yeah, sometimes what's off the rack doesn't always measure to all dimensions.

From how I see it, the bride’s chest seems like it’s exploding with delight, to put it metaphorically. Then again if her husband’s a breast man, he probably won’t mind. Yeah, sometimes what’s off the rack doesn’t always measure to all dimensions.

68. This bride’s dress is so big that she’s probably making her trip down the aisle in a parade float.

O my God, why would think of getting a wedding dress with skirt that big? Then again, perhaps it will be used for the happy couple's tent when they go on their honeymoon or something.

O my God, why would think of getting a wedding dress with skirt that big? Then again, perhaps it will be used for the happy couple’s tent when they go on their honeymoon or something.

69. We’re pretty sure she’s marrying a guy who designs balloon animals.

Still, I'm sure in a dress like this, it would be very hard to sit down without ruining it. Still, doesn't keep me from wanting to stick a pin in it.

Still, I’m sure in a dress like this, it would be very hard to sit down without ruining it. Still, doesn’t keep me from wanting to stick a pin in it.

70. Of course, if this marriage fails, I’m sure they’ll certainly lose the trailer.

This photo seems to have all the trappings of a shotgun wedding. I mean the bride is obviously pregnant but there's nothing really objectionable about her dress. However, the groom's only formal attire is a black vest and possibly a white collar and tie. And I suppose the plaid shirt and pants have seen better days. Seriously, a guy should look his best on his wedding day, not like he's just marrying the girl to escape the wrath of daddy's shotgun!

This photo seems to have all the trappings of a shotgun wedding. I mean the bride is obviously pregnant but there’s nothing really objectionable about her dress. However, the groom’s only formal attire is a black vest and possibly a white collar and tie. And I suppose the plaid shirt and pants have seen better days. Seriously, a guy should look his best on his wedding day, not like he’s just marrying the girl to escape the wrath of daddy’s shotgun!

71. A short wedding dress is one thing, but I’m not sure about the snakeskin dress shirt.

Well, at least this groom has cleaned himself up a little. But still, the snakeskin dress shirt has got to go. People might get the wrong idea. Ditto, the suit coat with a black leather collar and cuffs.

Well, at least this groom has cleaned himself up a little. But still, the snakeskin dress shirt has got to go. People might get the wrong idea. Ditto, the suit coat with a black leather collar and cuffs.

72. Down the aisle a bride must learn to spread her wings and fly.

I don't know about you but if I saw a bird like that, I'd wonder how it could ever survive a jet engine and still be able to fly. Nevertheless, there's no way in hell I'd wear that for my wedding.

I don’t know about you but if I saw a bird like that, I’d wonder how it could ever survive a jet engine and still be able to fly. Nevertheless, there’s no way in hell I’d get married in that.

73. For all those rural redneck folks, nothing says wedding like getting married in camo and bright orange.

Let me say this and I want to be perfectly frank. Camo and bright orange are for hunting season and nothing else. It's not for formal events. Not weddings, not proms, and certainly not funerals. Do I make myself clear?

Let me say this and I want to be perfectly frank. Camo and bright orange are for hunting season and nothing else. It’s not for formal events. Not weddings, not proms, and certainly not funerals. Do I make myself clear? Still, at least the guy’s not wearing holes in his pants for once.

74. As the bride reaches the altar, the groom is supposed to lift the veil from her face. With a dress like this, I’m not sure how the groom is supposed to go about it.

For one, this looks the kind of wedding dress you'd see in a sci-fi movie. Secondly, that veil just looks hideous with the short dress. But I'm sure her face will be fine against the mosquitoes.

For one, this looks the kind of wedding dress you’d see in a sci-fi movie. Secondly, that veil just looks hideous with the short dress. But I’m sure her face will be fine against the mosquitoes.

75. So if the groom wears black and the bride wears white? Can they be reversed?

Now I don't have anything against the colors. However, it's just that they seem to come out of some sort of some 1980s sci-fi horror fantasy film that makes me shudder. Seriously, the bride looks as if she's from another planet.

Now I don’t have anything against the colors. However, it’s just that they seem to come out of some sort of some 1980s sci-fi horror fantasy film that makes me shudder. Seriously, the bride looks as if she’s from another planet. The groom looks as if he’s perhaps an illegitimate son of Lucius Malfoy.

76. For the bride who loves taxidermied doves in flight, this is the perfect bridal gown for you.

Of course, this beautiful wedding dress was inspired by the films of the legendary director Alfred Hitchcock, particularly The Birds. Of course, at least those birds in this picture are too dead to peck you to death.

Of course, this beautiful wedding dress was inspired by the films of the legendary director Alfred Hitchcock, particularly The Birds. Of course, at least those birds in this picture are too dead to peck you to death.

77. When in doubt, go with flowers.

Oh, hell no! Seriously, having flowers on your wedding dress is fine. But  walking down the aisle looking like a Victoria's Secret model? Definitely not! I mean why?

Oh, hell no! Seriously, having flowers on your wedding dress is fine. But walking down the aisle looking like a Victoria’s Secret model? Definitely not! I mean why?

78. On her wedding day, a bride must rise like a sun.

Don't look now, but I think this is the kind of wedding dress you'd expect a Cardassian bride to wear, on Star Trek no less. Seriously, the wedding out of this world, literally.

Don’t look now, but I think this is the kind of wedding dress you’d expect a Cardassian bride to wear, on Star Trek no less. Seriously, the wedding out of this world, literally.

79. Of course, a bridal gown should always have lace.

Okay, this might be going to far. Still, at least the groom at her wedding knows what he's getting. Still, pretty sleazy.

Okay, this might be going to far. Still, at least the groom at her wedding knows what he’s getting. Still, pretty sleazy.

80. On her wedding day, a bride must rise to the occasion like a phoenix.

But whether this is supposed to be a wedding gown or a very elaborate nightie, I don't have the slightest idea. Seriously, it looks ridiculous if you ask me. You know most women wouldn't wear a lot of these wedding fashions on the runway.

But whether this is supposed to be a wedding gown or a very elaborate nightie, I don’t have the slightest idea. Seriously, it looks ridiculous if you ask me. You know most women wouldn’t wear a lot of these wedding fashions on the runway, which are used to justify a fashion designer’s existence.

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Mesopotamian Mythology Reexamined: the Gods

If you’ve ever taken a course on Western Civilization, you would remember that one of the first civilizations to spring up at this time would be Mesopotamia which flourished in ancient times from 4000 BCE to the rise of the Persian Empire in 539 BCE. Now this area is in modern day Iraq along the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers where it was prone to a series of unpredictable disasters as well as ongoing clashes with city states. Yet, its one of the cradles of civilization and history since it was known to invent one of the oldest systems of writing in the world known as Cuneiform. And whether you tend to be a Sumerian, Akkadian, Chaldean, Assyrian, Hittite, Babylonian, Amorite, or Who-Knows-What-Ian, its mythology is a bit easier to study this old mythology because of literacy and that a lot of the gods were borrowed between civilizations. It also helps that a lot of early biblical stories were influenced by Mesopotamian mythology (note the emphasis of “early” like Genesis), the fact Abraham was from Ur, and that the Hebrews tend to run in with these people a lot, especially during the Babylonian captivity. Still, it’s not a consistent mythology. However, as for the Mesopotamian gods, well, they weren’t a nice bunch so to speak. However, I’m not sure how they compare to the Greek and Aztec pantheons that seem to consist of the biggest divine jerks so far. Seriously, in two of my theology classes in college, we had to read part of Sumerian epic known as the Enuma Elish which is their creation story, and let’s just say it’s not the kind of story you want to hear in Sunday school. Still, the Mesopotamians viewed themselves as slaves to the gods and if they didn’t honor them, they were fucked. And if they did, they might still be fucked. But when they died, they still went to the same gloomy underworld. So yeah, it sucks to be a human in Mesopotamia. Nevertheless, there are a lot of Mesopotamian deities out there but I’m just going to focus the major deities we know most about. So without further adieu, here are the major gods of Mesopotamian mythology.

1. Anu

Anu is the supreme deity of the heavens as well as seen as king and father of the gods. In myths he functions as an authority figure with imperfect parenting skills. Yet, in later mythology, his role is greatly reduced.

Anu is the supreme deity of the heavens as well as seen as king and father of the gods. In myths he functions as an authority figure with imperfect parenting skills. Yet, in later mythology, his role is greatly reduced.

AKA: An

Origin: Sumerian, one of the oldest gods in the pantheon.

Type: Among the Four Primary gods out of the Seven Gods Who Decree

Domain: God of heaven, the stars, and the firmament, lord of constellations, as well as king of gods, spirits, and demons. Dwells in the highest heavenly regions. Sometimes seen as the father of the gods. In charge of the Bull of Heaven which can be used to avenge the gods. Chief god of the Great Triad with Enki and Enlil.

Pro: Was popularly believed to have the power to judge those who committed crimes and created the stars to destroy the wicked. Is generally nice to Sumerian people and rarely goes up to Heaven as far as the Assyrians and Babylonians are concerned. And yes, he was right to answer the prayers of Uruk who wanted to rein Gligamesh in. Gave Marduk 4 winds as a birthday present.

Con: Letting Ishtar borrow the Bull of Heaven was probably not a good idea, especially since Ishtar asked for it because she was enraged that Gilgamesh rejected her (for very good reasons). Also, while he’s Isthar’s father in The Epic of Gilgamesh, he’s sometimes seen as a consort (yeah, I know what you’re thinking). Has a lot of children to different consorts. Oh, and he didn’t do well on his mission to Tiamat but that’s understandable. Nevertheless, despite being the Sumerian chief deity, he doesn’t have much of a personality, doesn’t play a large role in myths, and is rarely featured in art. However, it’s basically due to that he became less of a divine entity in later times.

Symbols and Motifs: Main attribute is the royal tiara and is sometimes depicted as a hermaphrodite or jackal. “60” is his sacred number. Sometimes appears as a bull with a man’s horns. Sometimes seen resting on his throne.

City: Uruk

2. Enlil

Second only to Anu, Enlil is a supreme deity with the propensity to be either as benevolent or destructive to mankind as he pleases. Though credited with giving humans agriculture, he also tried to destroy mankind by sending the Great Flood just because he was sick of the people noise. At least he gets his when he tries to get in Ninlil's skirt.

Second only to Anu, Enlil is a supreme deity with the propensity to be either as benevolent or destructive to mankind as he pleases. Though credited with giving humans agriculture, he also tried to destroy mankind by sending the Great Flood just because he was sick of the people noise. At least he gets his when he tries to get in Ninlil’s skirt.

AKA: Ellil

Origin: Sumerian

Type: Among the Four Primary gods out of the Seven Gods Who Decree

Domain: God of wind, breath, air, sky, loft, and breadth (height and distance) as well as the weather. Father of Nanna, Namtar, and Ninurta. Son of Anu. Is probably the hero in the lost Sumerian version of the Enuma Elish. Decreed kingship and declared fates. No. 2 of the Great Triad among Anu and Enki.

Pro: Believed to be the inventor of the mattock (a key agricultural pick, hoe, ax or digging tool of the Sumerians) and helped plants grow. Advised his son Ninurta on a strategy to slay the demon Asag via his talking mace Sharur which the latter sent to the realm of the gods to seek counsel from him directly. Served as intermediary between Anu and the city of Nippur as well as his No. 2. Was seen as a model for kingship.

Con: Was banished to the Underworld for seducing (or raping) Ninlil. Also requested the creation of a slave race but then got tired of their noise and tried to kill them all by sending a flood. Luckily, Enki couldn’t shut up so Utnapishtim but at least Enlil was nice enough to make him immortal after he cooled off. Yet, he did send predators and naturals disasters to keep humans in check. Oh, and he was the chief deity of Nippur in 3000 BCE before getting demoted to No. 2, and later had his role reduced in the Enuma Elish. But once he makes a decision, it’s unalterable.

Symbols and Motifs: Identified with Jupiter. Sacred number is “50.” Represented wearing a horned helmet.

City: Nippur. Temple Ekur is known as “the Mountain House.”

3. Enki

Enki is seen as a creator and benefactor of mankind who warned humanity about the Great Flood. He is the keeper of the Mes gifts of civilization. However, his personal life is utterly depraved.

Enki is seen as a creator and benefactor of mankind who warned humanity about the Great Flood. He is the keeper of the Mes gifts of civilization. However, his personal life is utterly depraved.

AKA: Ea

Origin: Sumerian.

Type: Among the Four Primary gods out of the Seven Gods Who Decree

Domain: God of water, wisdom, knowledge, crafts, mischief, creation, magic, life, replenishment, contracts, mankind, civilization, and male fertility. Husband of Ninhursag and father of Marduk. Keeper of the divine powers called Mes, the gifts of civilization (or the rules of the universe). No. 3 in the Great Triad with Anu and Enlil. Attended by a god with 2 faces called Usmu.

Pro: He’s much more fond of humanity than most of the other gods (since he helped create mankind) and is generally one of the nicest and good natured gods around. Had a lot of enduring popularity since he managed play prominent roles in most of the Mesopotamian cultures.Helped humanity survive a massive flood of Enlil’s doing (by pretending to talk to himself). Refused to get involved with dealing with Tiamat. Prefers persuasion to conflict, which he avoids as much as possible. Helped revive Inanna’s in the Underworld after what she did to him (though the gods didn’t give him much choice in the matter. He did this by creating 2 zombies to come to her aid). Built a school of learning for Nidaba. In many ways, he’s basically a Sumerian Quetzalcoatl.

Con: Banged his daughters (as well as his granddaughter and great-granddaughter) while his wife was away with his encounter with Uttu being among the sickest way possible as well as tried to eat their children. Even knocked up himself after ingesting his own semen. Also, has a lot of kids with different consorts. Confused people’s languages for almost no reason. Has a tumultuous history with Inanna who tricks him into giving the Mes when they get drunk but he fails to recover it. Put Abzu to sleep before murdering him as well as bound and gagged his adviser Mummu. Turned Abzu’s body into the heavens. Has a reputation as quite of a trickster and in some ways a Mesopotamian equivalent to Loki.

Symbols and Motifs: Identified with Mercury and referred by the number “40.” Image is a double helix snake or the Caduceus (a modern symbol in medicine). Shown in a horned crown of divinity and dressed in the skin of a carp. Symbols are goat and fish which were combined into the constellation of Capricorn. Depicted with 2 streams flowing into his shoulder with trees alongside him. Has a scepter with a ram’s head.

City: Eridu, a key sacred center of ancient Mesopotamia.

4. Ereshkigal

Ereshkigal is the ruler of Irkalla, the Mesopotamian netherworld, which isn't fun for anybody. Though not necessarily evil, she can be dark and violent as well as really hates being disrespected.

Ereshkigal is the ruler of Irkalla, the Mesopotamian netherworld, which isn’t fun for anybody. Though not necessarily evil, she can be dark and violent as well as really hates being disrespected.

AKA: Allatu, Irkalla

Origin: Sumerian

Type: Major deity since she’s the ruler of the Underworld

Domain: Goddess of Irkalla, land of the dead or the Underworld as well as death, darkness, and dust. Older sister of Inanna and wife of Nergal.

Pro: Was the only one who can pass judgement and give laws in her Underworld kingdom. As queen of the Underworld, she was a goddess her peers looked up to. She’s not intimidated by any other gods or goddesses. Is devoted to Nergal that she threatened Anu to revive the dead so they would outnumber the living if he ever took him away from her. Is very cunning and clever. Sees her few children as precious.

Con: Trapped Inanna into her Underworld kingdom and only let her go if she sacrificed her husband Dumuzid in exchange for herself (since he failed to mourn her while she was dead). Also forced her to take off her clothes at the seven gates so she’d be stripped of her powers when they met. In later myths, she later gets displaced in the Underworld by Nergal since Assyrians and Babylonians were rather patriarchal societies. Tends to be jealous of her sister’s beauty and has a long name. Can be dark and violent. Really doesn’t like being disrespected.Her abode is a boring, dreary, and crowded place. May have become queen of the Underworld after being kidnapped by the dragon Kur.

Symbols and Motifs: Lion and owl are her animals and lapis lazuli is her crystal. Depicted as nude and winged with talons as feet. Has dark hair and wears a horned headdress and a pleated cape over her shoulders.

City: Kutha

5. Ishkur

As a storm deity, Ishkur can be a force of nature. Sometimes his rains can lead to great abundance and fertility while his propensity for natural disasters can lead to widespread devastation.

As a storm deity, Ishkur can be a force of nature. Sometimes his rains can lead to great abundance and fertility while his propensity for natural disasters can lead to widespread devastation.

AKA: Adad

Origin: Akkadian

Type: Major deity

Domain: God of weather, hurricanes, storms, thunder, rain, and divination as well as inspector of the cosmos. Son of Nanna and Ningal as well as husband of Shala.

Pro: Is the Mesopotamian god who literally makes it rain, which makes the land fertile and prosperous even if they’re barren mountainsides. Can also predict the future.

Con: His storms can bring havoc and destruction as well as tend to bring him notoriety. Plays a minor role in early Sumerian myths where he’s seen as an assistant but had more prominence among the Akkadians and Assyrians due to the prevalence of storms in their areas. But he slowly became less integral during the time of the Babylonians. Can be very unpredictable ranging from benign to outright violent. Is also capable of drought and famine as well as flood.

Symbols and Motifs: Key symbols are a bull, lion, and thunderbolt. Is seen wearing a horned helmet and carrying an axe and sticks. Sacred number was “6.” Portrayed as a warrior holding a lightning bolt and club.

City: Karkara and Assur

6. Uttu

Though a minor goddess of weaving and clothing, Uttu is perhaps the best known Mesopotamian deity of the domestic sphere as well as the model for the perfect wife. However, her relationship with Enki is disturbing.

Though a minor goddess of weaving and clothing, Uttu is perhaps the best known Mesopotamian deity of the domestic sphere as well as the model for the perfect wife. However, her relationship with Enki is disturbing.

AKA: N/A

Origin: Sumerian

Type: Minor goddess

Domain: Goddess of weaving and clothing. Said to be in charge of everything pertaining to women.

Pro: Had 8 children/trees with Enki with the 8th being the Ti or the Tree of Life. Said to be a model of a perfect Sumerian wife.

Con: Was raped by Enki (her great-grandfather, grandfather, and father) and cursed him when he tried to eat their 8 children (which made him protective of her future to make it even more disgusting, but this is one version). Also, doesn’t appear much and doesn’t have much of a personality.

Symbols and Motifs: Illustrated as a spider in a web.

City: None

7. Nammu

As the original primordial goddess, Tiamat brought forth a progeny of gods with her consort Abzu. But when Abzu is murdered, she really gets nasty and creates an army of monsters.

As the original primordial goddess, Tiamat brought forth a progeny of gods with her consort Abzu. But when Abzu is murdered, she really gets nasty and creates an army of monsters.

AKA: Tiamat

Origin: Sumerian

Type: Primordial Being

Domain: Goddess of primeval waters and the sea. Symbol of chaos and primordial creation. Wife of Abzu, mother and foremother of most of the gods in the pantheon.

Pro: Well, she’s quite the badass and knows how to prepare for what to expect. Warned Enki about Abzu. Can amass large armies.

Con: While she was the sole creator goddess of the Sumerian myths, she is regulated as co-creator with Abzu and became tyrant after his murder. Made her son Kingu consort (though to be fair, there weren’t many guys available who weren’t related to her). Not only that, but she’s said to have a monstrous appearance. Has a terrrible temper that you don’t want to get her angry and is driven to murder her descendents in retaliation of her husband’s (very deserved) death. Gets sliced in half by Marduk who proceeds to create the universe through her hacked body parts. Yes, she’s one nasty bitch.

Symbols and Motifs:Traditionally seen as a dragon or sea serpent along with her husband.

City: None.

8. Ninhursag

As Lady of the Mountains, Ninhursag can be a calming influence in the pantheon as well as a co-creator of mankind.  However, while she cured Enki of his woes, she wasn't happy with him cheating on her.

As Lady of the Mountains, Ninhursag can be a calming influence in the pantheon as well as a co-creator of mankind. However, while she cured Enki of his woes, she wasn’t happy with him cheating on her.

AKA: Ninmah, Nintu, Mamma, Aruru, Belet-Ili, Ki

Origin: Sumerian, one of the oldest gods in the pantheon.

Type: Among the Four Primary gods out of the Seven Gods Who Decree

Domain: Goddess of earth, nature, mountains, and fertility as well as charged with pregnancy and birth. Wife of Enki and mother of 9 of his children. Deity of Sumerian rulers. Said to be the mother of the gods. Said to be attended by foxes.

Pro: Helped create mankind with Enki and created vegetation. Said to help children when still in the womb and feeds them once born. Reputed to be a calming influence among the rest of the pantheon as well as a source of comfort, which is real major asset.

Con: Her role in creating mankind was more diminished in later myths and doesn’t seem to have much of a personality. Also, cursed Enki after he ate the plants that were actually his children to Uttu (in one version, or possibly for his incestuous affairs) so that each plant would cause a different disease (she later helped cure him, but still the other gods had to pressure her). This resulted in a barren earth and Enki begging for forgiveness. Then there’s the fact she has a lot of names and might be identified with other goddesses.

Symbols and Motifs: Tends to be depicted with Omega shaped hair and at times wears a horned headdress and a tiered skirt, often with a bow around her shoulder. Can also carry a mace or baton as well be accompanied by a lion cub on a leash. Fox is her sacred animal.

City: Eridu and Kish.

9. Ninlil

Though her name means Lady of the Wind, Ninlil is primarily known as Enlil's wife and mother of a bunch his kids. Yet, while Enlil is banished to the netherworld for raping her, she comes to his aid as well as help him procreate their way out of there. Hey, the Mesopotamians weren't feminists here!

Though her name means Lady of the Wind, Ninlil is primarily known as Enlil’s wife and mother of a bunch his kids. Yet, while Enlil is banished to the netherworld for raping her, she comes to his aid as well as help him procreate their way out of there. Hey, the Mesopotamians weren’t feminists here!

AKA: Sud, Mulittu

Origin: Sumerian

Type: Minor goddess

Domain: Goddess of the wind. Wife of Enlil and usually the mother of Nanna, Nergal, Ninazu, Ninurta, and Enbilulu.

Pro: Has an aspect of healing to her. Seems to forgive Enlil of what he did to her since she went to the Underworld for him, according to one story.

Con: Joined her husband Enlil in the Underworld after he was banished for raping her (granted it was Ancient Mesopotamia, but still it doesn’t help that she was willing to have him impregnate her several times to get out of there). Associated with northern winter storms. Still, she seems to be defined strictly as Enlil’s consort as well as a mother to a few prominent gods other than possible inspiration to the Hebrew Lilith legend.

Symbols and Motifs: Very little iconography is attributed to her.

City: Nippur and Assur

10. Nanna

As god of the moon, Nanna is among the most benevolent and respected of the pantheon. However, his temperament is dependent on the time of the month.

As god of the moon, Nanna is among the most benevolent and respected of the pantheon. However, his temperament is dependent on the time of the month. The famous ziggurat of Ur is dedicated to him.

AKA: Suen, Sin

Origin: Sumerian

Type: Among the Three Sky Gods of the Seven Gods Who Decree

Domain: God of the moon, cattle, divination, and fertility. Son of Enlil and Ninlil. Father of Utu. Husband of Ningal. Phases govern the tide as well as the all important growth of crops.

Pro: Great with cows. Can be a diviner of fates or judge of the dead. Had a long popularity and continued to play a significant role in myths after the Akkadians lost dominance. Said to regularly visit his parents. Dispensed wisdom to humans through priests and to the other gods who consulted him. One of the most respected in the pantheon. Reputed to be a benevolent figure as well as a loving husband and father.

Con: Has unfortunate names mistaken for bad things and female babysitters. Temper waxes and wanes on a monthly cycle. Wisdom is said to be expressed in astrology.

Symbols and Motifs: Said to have a beard of lapis lazuli and rode on a winged bull. Symbols are a crescent and the tripod lamp stand. Can be represented as an old man in a flowing beard. Sacred number is “30” referring to the average successive days of a lunar month through new moon phases.

City: Ur, has a famous ziggurat attributed to him. Was once head of the pantheon in that city. A princess basically was in charge of his temple. Also has a seat in Harran.

11. Nergal

As one of the most unpleasant and feared deities in the pantheon, Nergal embodies the most destructive aspects of the sun. He's a raging bully who brings devastation wherever he goes. He accepts no surrender or mercy.

As one of the most unpleasant and feared deities in the pantheon, Nergal embodies the most destructive aspects of the sun. He’s a raging bully who brings devastation wherever he goes. He accepts no surrender or mercy.

AKA: Nirgali, Erra

Origin: Akkadian

Type: Major deity

Domain: God of fire, destruction, war, plagues, and occasionally the sun, especially during the summer or noon. Son of Enlil and Ninli. Husband of Ereshkigal. In later myths, becomes ruler of the Underworld.

Pro: Has a metal band named after him as well as a significant presence in pop culture. Him and Ereshkigal seem made for each other in the Underworld where he made his home, though he did trick his way out if it once which is a remarkable feat.

Con: Tends to be fiery and destructive as well as quite selfish and rude. He’s also a raging bully with a scorched earth policy and a penchant for satisfying his violent urges when he feels like it. Accepts no surrender and no mercy. Said to depict the negative aspects of the sun than anything and is associated with disease, demons, and evil forces. Always leaves a trail of destruction, disease, plague, and wasteland wherever he goes unless it’s the Underworld. More likely feared by the Mesopotamians than actively worshiped outside Cuthah. Also, we’re not sure about his relationship with Ereshkigal (though they might just be unusually kinky)who seems to dominate her in the Underworld in later tradition and doesn’t seem to respect her assistant. Seems not to be liked by the other gods. More like a Mesopotamian Ares.

Symbols and Motifs: Identified with Mars. Associated with a lion, bull, and rooster. Sometimes depicted with a mace or a schmitar. Can be seen wearing a lion’s mane.

City: Cuthah

12. Ninurta

Champion of the gods, Ninurta plays a role in countless myths fighting monsters and trying to do what's best for the pantheon.  However, sometimes he tends to get a little too into the action. But he's seen as a hero and the perfect warrior among the Assyrians.

Champion of the gods, Ninurta plays a role in countless myths fighting monsters and trying to do what’s best for the pantheon. However, sometimes he tends to get a little too into the action. But he’s seen as a hero and the perfect warrior among the Assyrians.

AKA: Nigrursu

Origin: Sumerian, one of the oldest gods in the pantheon.

Type: Major deity

Domain: God of agriculture, healing, war, hunting, victory, thunder, fertility, rain, and destruction. Champion of the gods. Son of Enlil and husband of Ugallu.

Pro: Brought about agriculture after defeating a stone army of the demon Asag. Said to be a healing god who releases humans from sickness or demon possession. Is known to be a great warrior who fought a series of monsters and demons. Was entrusted by Enki with several powerful Mes. Rescued the Tablets of Destiny from the beast Anzu and the “Slain Heroes.” And used Anzu to as his chariot driver that accompanies him into battle. Created mountains to beat Kur. While he can be quite fiery like Nergal, he’s aware of his duties and strives to put the pantheon first. Seen as the perfect warrior by the Assyrians. Kind of like a Mesopotamian version of Thor.

Con: While he’s not as bad as Nergal, sometimes tends to enjoy violence a little too much since even the heat of battle, the gods can’t prevent him from wreaking unimaginable havoc on enemies and/or the entire landscape. Also, tried to steal back the Tablets after safely returning them to his father, even destroying the security precautions. Can be arrogant and impetuous.

Symbols and Motifs: Identified with Saturn and the plow. Often appears with a bow and arrow, a sickle sword named Sargaz, and a talking and shape shifting mace named Sharur. Can be depicted as standing over a monster.

City: Nippur, Girsu, Kalhu, and Lagash.

13. Inanna

Better known as Ishtar, Inanna is easily one of the most prominent goddesses and deities in the pantheon.  However, while she may be a goddess of love and beauty, practically all mortal men who've been with her have ended up dead (explaining why Gilgamesh rejected her). Also, she can be such a power hungry and spoiled brat with a very violent temper.

Better known as Ishtar, Inanna is easily one of the most prominent goddesses and deities in the pantheon. However, while she may be a goddess of love and beauty, practically all mortal men who’ve been with her have ended up dead (explaining why Gilgamesh rejected her). Also, she can be such a power hungry and spoiled brat with a very violent temper.

AKA: Ishtar, Inana

Origin: Sumerian, one of the earliest gods.

Type: Among the Three Sky Gods of the Seven Gods Who Decree

Domain: Goddess of warfare, wisdom, love, sex, beauty, lust, and fertility as well as the stars and night sky. Younger sister of Ereshkigal. Wife of Dumuzid. Has her own sex changing attendant No. 2 Ninshubar and her own beautician Cara.

Pro: She’s the most prominent female deity in the pantheon as well as the most recognized Mesopotamian deity with a strong presence in pop culture. One of the few goddesses in the pantheon to retain her prominence (but maybe not much) as well as well as retain relative popularity over centuries. Is said to be very beautiful and knows how to dress. Embodies a lot of independence and self-determination as well as able to know her way around in a patriarchal system. Existence ensures that sex and procreation give joy and continue the circle of life. Recipient of prayers regarding impotency and unrequited love. Is formidable with a fearless nature and fertile imagination. Built a city for Dumuzid to rule called Uruk.

Con: Let’s not kid ourselves, her myths don’t really list her as having a consistent parentage or constant spouse, with her being sexually linked to various gods in the pantheon as well as some mortals to spare. It doesn’t help that a god can be her dad in one myth and her husband in another (like Anu, for instance) and/or perhaps her brother. Also, if you’re a mortal man she wants to sleep with, you might as well control your urges and just say no if you value your life. Seriously, men who’ve slept with her seldom live to tell the tale unless they’re deities. Gilgamesh rejects her for this very reason (but Dummuzid learns the hard way though). However, he soon learns that she doesn’t take rejection well, since she’s a self-absorbed and tantrum prone bitch who asks Anu for the Bull of Heaven (which he warned about causing drought) to terrorize Uruk. She can also start disasters, carnage, chaos, confusion, and all out war to those who disobey her (or just don’t give her what she wants {or does something she doesn’t like}, not that the alternative is much better). But she can be very volatile and unpredictable. Also, descended to Irkalla just to nab her sister’s powers after grabbing Enki’s Mes (by getting him drunk) in pursuit of world domination. Of course, she finds herself trapped since those who enter Irkalla should never leave unless told otherwise. Ereshkigal has a lot of fun with this.

Symbols and Motifs: Identified with Venus. Symbol is an 8 pointed star or rosette. Associated with lions and frequently depicted as standing on 2 lionesses. Represented by reeds in early iconography. Can be depicted nude or richly clothed with a string of attendants and devotees. Can also have stash of weapons or be seen with carnalian or lapis lazuli. Wears a horned headdress, tiered shirt, and occasionally a cape. In some portrayals, she can even have a beard.

City: Uruk, priestesses were said to practice sacred prostitution in her honor.

14. Utu

Sun god by day, underworld judge by night, Utu embodies the sun's positive aspects by bringing warmth and light. Best known for his image being on the Code of Hammurabi.

Sun god by day, underworld judge by night, Utu embodies the sun’s positive aspects by bringing warmth and light. Best known for his image being on the Code of Hammurabi.

AKA: Shamash

Origin: Sumerian, one of the oldest gods in the pantheon

Type: Among the Three Sky Gods of the Seven Gods Who Decree

Domain: God of justice, truth, law, divination, salvation, and the sun. Son of Nanna and Ningal. Travels through earth from his mountain sleeping quarters through chariot or boat. Presides as an Underworld judge by night (though we’re not sure how he gets any sleep). Husband of Aya who’s barely mentioned (mostly because he’s so busy). Responsible for maintaining order in the universe (and with a pantheon like this, it certainly needs it).

Pro: Was right to set up Inanna with Dummuzid (well, for awhile) and eagerly paid the bill for her wedding. Embodies the positive aspects of the sun by bringing warmth and light. Plays a role through treaties, oaths, and business transactions as well as sees through duplicity so he can’t be fooled. Can interpret divine judgement through omens and priests. Sought after by humans to ward against evil and curses. Protects travelers and merchants. Can also be rather persuasive. Assisted Gilgamesh in defeating Humbaba. Is of wholly heroic and ethical character.

Con: Doesn’t appear much in myths. Of course, he could be quite busy on human matters.

Symbols and Motifs: Depicted wearing a horned helmet and carrying a saw edge weapon or a notched dagger. Symbol is the sun or a sun disk (obviously). Sometimes holds a rod and rope. Associated with Saturn and lions. Sacred number is “20.”

City: Larsa

15. Marduk

Though a patron god of Babylon, Marduk is best known for defeating Tiamat using all what you see in a Michael Bay movie at his disposal. However,  he also created the world from her corpse and demanded to be in charge of all creation in order to defeat Tiamat. But to the Babylonians, he was totally awesome.

Though a patron god of Babylon, Marduk is best known for defeating Tiamat using all what you see in a Michael Bay movie at his disposal. However, he also created the world from her corpse and demanded to be in charge of all creation in order to defeat Tiamat. But to the Babylonians, he was totally awesome.

AKA: N/A

Origin: Babylonian

Type: National deity of the Babylonian Empire.

Domain: God of vegetation, justice, magic, law, salvation, and water as well as lord of truth. Son of Enki. Custodian of the Tablets of Destiny.Husband of Sarpanit and father of Nabu. Drives a chariot with 4 poisonous horses. Said to have 50 names.

Pro: Defeated Tiamat in the Enuma Elish (at least the one we’re familiar with) by immobilizing her with the 11 winds while she broke into unstoppable rage and killed her with his bow which he made himself as well as fletched the arrows (while carrying a mace). Can throw lightning and fill his body with flame (thanks to his large hyperspace arsenal). But his mightiest weapon is the rain-flood. Also, trapped her with a net he made as well. Said to have a decent relationship with his dad. Seen as an almost messianic figure to the Babylonians and is said he would visit the Babylon again.

Con: He was basically created by the Babylonians to justify their dominance. Demanded he be made chief deity and have authority over all creation after defeating and mutilating Tiamat as well as creating the universe with her body parts. The notion that humans should be created as slaves to the gods was his idea, which he fashioned out of Kingu’s blood. May have a massive case of entitlement. Killed Tiamat and Kingu in very nasty ways. Created tornadoes. While he’s powerful enough to help people, he can easily destroy them. Other than his parents or some of his other relatives, had zero respect for his elders. Took the Tablets of Destiny from Kingu to affirm his supremacy in the universe.

Symbols and Motifs: Identified with Jupiter. Snake dragon is his symbol along with a spade.

City: Babylon. Temple is ziggurat Etemenanki.

16. Abzu

While he and Tiamat brought forth a progeny of gods, Abzu thought they were too noisy and decided to kill em all. Luckily, Enki murdered him.

While he and Tiamat brought forth a progeny of gods, Abzu thought they were too noisy and decided to kill em all. Luckily, Enki murdered him.

AKA: Apsu

Origin: Babylonian (as a deity, no less)

Type: Primordial Being

Domain: God of primeval waters but only in the Enuma Elish. In Sumer, Abzu is mostly the name of the primeval sea between the earth and the underworld. Husband of Tiamat as well as father and forefathers of a lot of other gods and goddesses. Assisted by Mummu.

Pro: Well, he managed to produce a badass family with Tiamat who seemed somewhat loyal to him.

Con: Decided to do away with his progeny just because they were making lots of noise that was distracting him from his work (which was making babies with Tiamat?).

Symbols and Motifs: Traditionally depicted as a dragon or sea serpent along with his wife.

City: None.

17. Kingu

After Abzu's death, Tiamat took her son as her consort and head of her army. Of course, he had leadership aspirations of his own but as soon as Marduk defeated Tiamat, he was next for the chopping block.

After Abzu’s death, Tiamat took her son as her consort and head of her army. Of course, he had leadership aspirations of his own but as soon as Marduk defeated Tiamat, he was next for the chopping block.

AKA: Qingu

Origin: Babylonian

Type: Major deity

Domain: Son and consort of Tiamat (with Abzu) as well as the general of her army (don’t ask) in the Enuma Elish. Candidate for ruler of the gods. Only appears in the Enuma Elish. Had Tablets of Destiny on his chest.

Pro: Well, he was loyal to his mother, for better or for worse.

Con: Was his mother’s consort and wanted to rule the universe himself. Not sure if Tiamat was under his influence after Abzu was murdered. Fled when Marduk came after despite being head of Tiamat’s army, but he got killed anyway as well as had his blood used to create humans by Enki.

Symbols and Motifs: Like his parents, tends to be depicted as a dragon.

City: None.

18. Dumuzid

Dumuzid is best known as a shepherd god and Inanna's husband whom she built a city for him to rule. But when she's trapped in the Underworld, he's the only man who doesn't mourn and is forced to take her place for 6 months.

Dumuzid is best known as a shepherd god and Inanna’s husband whom she built a city for him to rule. But when she’s trapped in the Underworld, he’s the only man who doesn’t mourn and is forced to take her place for 6 months.

AKA: Tammuz, Dumuzi

Origin: Sumerian

Type: Major deity

Domain: God of food, animals, fertility, and vegetation as well as life, death, and rebirth. Husband (or lover) of Inanna.

Pro: Seemed very determined to win Inanna (even if it was to be king for 36,000 years). Death was widely mourned by not just his goddesses, but also his animals. Reputed equivalent to the Macedonian Adonis.

Con: Didn’t mourn for Inanna when she was killed in the Underworld despite that she married him while he was a shepherd, built Uruk for him to rule, and gave him 2 demigod sons. Luckily he gets to spend 6 months on earth while his sister takes over for him during the winter. Perhaps he relished in Inanna’s absence a bit too much, but we all know what she can be like. Then again, I bet things have cooled down considerably between them.

Symbols and Motifs: Represented by date clusters or heart of date palm.

City: Uruk and Bad-Tibira

19. Mamitu

Mamitu is a judge of the Underworld who knows every history, life cycle, and fate for every creature in the universe. Still, stay on her good side. But she will tell you your fortune, for a fee.

Mamitu is a judge of the Underworld who knows every history, life cycle, and fate for every creature in the universe. Still, stay on her good side. But she will tell you your fortune, for a fee.

AKA: N/A

Origin: Akkadian

Type: Minor goddess

Domain: Goddess of destiny, oath, prophecy, and fate as well as judge of the Underworld. Decreed fates for newborns.

Pro: Knows the life cycle, history, and the fate of every creature in the universe and will let anyone know (but for a price).

Con: We’re not sure if what she’s saying is real prophecy or stuff she made up. But please, it pays to stay on her good side and you will a long life. Also, if you want to know your future, just send her a blank check to her priests. Can also be a demon of irrevocable curses.

Symbols and Motifs: Has the head of a goat with a raven as a symbol, I think.

City: None

20. Nabu

Son and assistant of Marduk, Nabu engraves the destinies the gods have decided and can determine the length of a human life.  Other than this not much is known.

Son and assistant of Marduk, Nabu engraves the destinies the gods have decided and can determine the length of a human life. Other than this not much is known.

AKA: N/A

Origin: Amorite

Type: Major deity

Domain: God of wisdom, writing, and vegetation. Keeper of the Tablets of Destiny. Son of Marduk and Sarpanit in the Babylonian rendition as well as Marduk’s assistant and scribe. Husband of Tashmetum.

Pro: Engraves the destinies of each person as the gods have decided and can determine the length of human life. Seems to have a decent relationship with Marduk despite possibly being the Mesopotamian equivalent of a nerd.

Con: Doesn’t seem to have much of a role in myths or much of a personality. But since he can determine the length of your life, be on his good side.

Symbols and Motifs: Symbols are clay writing tablet and writing stylus. Wears a horned cap and stands with his hands clasped. Rides on a winged dragon, originally belonging to his dad. Has a long fringe robe under a slit skirt.

City: Borsippa

21. Namtar

A god of death and pestilence, Namtar is an assistant to his mother Ereshkigal in the Underworld. Though people give him offerings to prevent his wrath, he isn't well liked and he knows it. Possible inspiration for the Grim Reaper.

A god of death and pestilence, Namtar is an assistant to his mother Ereshkigal in the Underworld. Though people give him offerings to prevent his wrath, he isn’t well liked and he knows it. Possible inspiration for the Grim Reaper.

AKA: N/A

Origin: Sumerian

Type: Minor god

Domain: God of death and fate as well as minister and messenger to Anu, Nergal, and Ereshkigal. Son of Enlil and Ereshkigal as well as husband of Husibiag.

Pro: Very loyal to Ereskigal and willing to take her place if she can’t come. Can leave and return to the Underworld if he has to. Can be prevented with inflicting pestilence with offerings. Very knowledgeable in anatomy.

Con: Cursed Inanna with 60 diseases on her entrance to the Underworld on different parts of her body. Considered responsible for diseases and pests and can inflict them if he feels like it. Isn’t well liked and knows it. Still, his mother won’t take it well if he’s disrespected.

Symbols and Motifs: Very little iconography is attributed to him. But he’s sometimes likened to the Grim Reaper and may have been the inspiration for it.

City: None

22. Nanshe

A benevolent goddess, Nanshe embodies social justice principles like caring for orphans and widows, advising those in debt, and taking in refugees. Nevertheless, she doesn't figure as much in myths as goddess like Inanna and Ereshkigal do.

A benevolent goddess, Nanshe embodies social justice principles like caring for orphans and widows, advising those in debt, and taking in refugees. Nevertheless, she doesn’t figure as much in myths as goddess like Inanna and Ereshkigal do.

AKA: Nazi

Origin: Sumerian

Type: Major deity

Domain: Goddess of social justice, prophecy, fertility, storerooms, and fishing. Daughter of Enki and Ninhursag. Said to have dominion over all animals in the Persian Gulf.

Pro: She’s a benevolent goddess said to nurture orphans, provide for widows, give advice for those in debt, and take refugees from war torn areas. Can give oracular messages and interpret dreams to foretell the future. Seems to avert being sidelined in later mythology unlike many goddesses in Mesopotamia as her prominence seems to rise that she eventually has assistants. Sometimes other gods rely on her for guidance. Also, sees that weights and measures are correct. Not to mention, helped heal her father Enki.

Con: Unfortunately, the name “Nancy” is probably derived from her, which was a unisex name at the time (she shares the name of a king).Not to mention, she was originally referred to as, “Nazi.” Also, she doesn’t have as much role in myths as other goddesses who quickly overshadow her.

Symbols and Motifs: Associated with birds and bats, particularly ravens and pelicans. Sometimes depicted with scales as well as represented by a fish.

City: Nina. Seat was the Sirara Temple. Also, Lagash.

23. Ashur

While the Babylonians have Marduk, the Assyrians had  Ashur as their patron hero god. However, he's not nearly as memorable.

While the Babylonians have Marduk, the Assyrians had Ashur as their patron hero god. However, he’s not nearly as memorable.

AKA: N/A

Origin: Assyrian

Type: Major and national deity of the Assyrian Empire.

Domain: God of war and Assyria. More of a symbol than a deity but under the Assyrian Empire, he was the chief god who performed Marduk’s tasks in the Enuma Elish.

Pro: Well, if the Assyrians are to be believed, he must be quite a badass, since he tends to embody the Assyrian warlike spirit. And that people still named their kids after him in present day Syria.

Con: Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to have much of a personality and doesn’t appear much. Probably used by the Assyrians to justify their domination of northern Mesopotamia and anywhere else they ruled.

Symbols and Motifs: Represented by a winged disc with horns as well as portrayed with a bow and arrow. Sometimes seen riding a snake-dragon.

City: Assur

24. Nusku

A god of fire Nusku is seen as a mediator between the gods and humanity as well as protector of the family. He also figured in a lot of rituals but not so much in myths.

A god of fire Nusku is seen as a mediator between the gods and humanity as well as protector of the family. He also figured in a lot of rituals but not so much in myths.

AKA: Nuska, Girra, Gibil

Origin: Assyrian

Type: Minor god

Domain: God of fire, light, and human civilization. Patron of the arts. Assistant to Enlil.

Pro: Natural association of all human progress with the discovery use of fire. Seen as mediator between humans and the gods as well as protector of the family, especially during the night where he’s said to ensure good dreams and deter nightmares. Figures in a lot of rituals.

Con: Doesn’t play much of a role in myths and doesn’t have much of a personality.

Symbols and Motifs: Key symbols are a lamp and a rooster.

City: Harran and Nippur.

25. Tashmetum

Wife of Nabu,  Tashmetum is often called to listen to prayers and grant requests. A beauty in her own right, her relationship with Nabu was often celebrated through ritual and ceremony.

Wife of Nabu, Tashmetum is often called to listen to prayers and grant requests. A beauty in her own right, her relationship with Nabu was often celebrated through ritual and ceremony.

AKA: Tashmetu, Tashmit

Origin: Akkadian

Type: Minor goddess

Domain: Goddess of supplication. Listener of prayers and requests. Wife of Nabu.

Pro: Well, she’s called upon to listen to prayers and grant requests. Said to be rather popular since she shares a name with a queen. Reputed to be rather attractive.

Con: Unfortunately, the only references to her in mythology as far as we know is her marriage to Nabu in which they make love in a garden before her husband hunts an ox. So while she may be a significant figure in Mesopotamia, we’re not sure how big a role she played.

Symbols and Motifs: Very little iconography is attributed to her.

City: Borsippa

26. Ninshubur

As Innana's best friend and messenger to the gods, Ninshubur plead with Enki to revive Inanna after Ereshkigal struck her dead in the Underworld. However,  she also abetted in many of Inanna's schemes as well.

As Innana’s best friend and messenger to the gods, Ninshubur plead with Enki to revive Inanna after Ereshkigal struck her dead in the Underworld. However, she also abetted in many of Inanna’s schemes as well.

AKA: Papsukkal (as a guy)

Origin: Sumerian

Type: Minor goddess

Domain: Queen of the East, messenger and Inanna’s  second-in-command. Also travels and works for other gods as well.

Pro: She’s Inanna’s loyal confidante who’d do anything to assist or help her. Pleaded with Enki to save her life after she was trapped in the Underworld.

Con: Unfortunately, being loyal to Inanna means having to assist in dubious activities such as stealing the Mes from Enki. And she basically doesn’t do anything to call her out on it. Also, in later mythologies, she’s changed to a guy.

Symbols and Motifs: There is little iconography attributed to her.

City: None

27. Nidaba

As scribe and accountant to the gods, Nidaba kept records, chronicled events, as well as performed any bookwork related duties to the pantheon. She also had her own school and did charity drives with Nanshe. However, she was eventually displaced by Nabu in later myths.

As scribe and accountant to the gods, Nidaba kept records, chronicled events, as well as performed any bookwork related duties to the pantheon. She also had her own school and did charity drives with Nanshe. However, she was eventually displaced by Nabu in later myths.

AKA: Nanibgal, Nisaba

Origin: Sumerian

Type: Minor goddess

Domain: Goddess of writing, learning, education, accounting, and harvest. Sometimes chief scribe to Nanshe and at times scribe to the gods.

Pro: Has a school of learning Enki built for her so she could better serve those in need. Keeps records, chronicles events, and performs various other bookwork-related duties for the gods. In charge of marking regional borders. With Nanshe, she occasionally helps settle disputes with mortals and gives out aid. Also, records visitors to Nanshe as well as takes care of Ninhursag’s temple.Is also a teacher of mortal scribes and divine deities. Many gods turn to her for advice.

Con: In the Babylonian period, she was basically displaced by Nabu. It’s also said she bears some resemblance to Gilgamesh’s friend Enkidu. Also, being a benevolent goddess and divine a accountant, she probably doesn’t appear in myths much.

Symbols and Motifs: Depicted with flowing hair and a horned tiara while holding grain and a crescent moon.

City: Eresh and Umma.

28. Geshtinanna

As her brother was dragged off to the Underworld, Geshtinanna  mourned his loss for days and nights as well as offered to take his place. Thus, she tends to remain in the Underworld whenever Dumuzid isn't there. Also seen as a divine poet and interpreter of dreams as well as the goddess of the vine.

As her brother was dragged off to the Underworld, Geshtinanna mourned his loss for days and nights as well as offered to take his place. Thus, she tends to remain in the Underworld whenever Dumuzid isn’t there. Also seen as a divine poet and interpreter of dreams as well as the goddess of the vine.

AKA: Ngeshtin-ana

Origin: Sumerian, one of the oldest gods in the pantheon

Type: Major deity

Domain: Goddess of the heavenly vine, wine, writing, music, and cold seasons. Divine poet and interpreter of dreams. Sister of Dumuzid.

Pro: Devoted to her brother Dumuzid that she was willing to take his place in the Underworld after Inanna’s screw up which put him there (at least she’s there for 6 months). And when he died, she lamented his loss days and nights. Also willing to protect him as he changes into a gazelle.

Con: There’s not much else about her besides what pertains to certain fragments of hymns and Inanna’s descent to the Underworld. It’s said that her cult might’ve died into the Old Babylonian period.

Symbols and Motifs: Iconography is unknown.

City: Isin, Uruk, and Nippur.

Stupid Baby Stuff

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I may be a non-pregnant single woman who doesn’t have kids, but even I know that like pets, babies need certain things that the rest of us don’t. Yes, we know they’re a lot of work and hassle since they can’t do anything for themselves save maybe the standard bodily functions and crying for someone to meet their every whim. However, despite what the media may seem, babies don’t stay babies for long so there are plenty of ways for new or expectant parents to get all their baby needs without breaking the bank as much. Seriously, I can’t remember how many times I’ve seen baby stuff at yard sales. Nevertheless, as the oldest of 24 grandchildren, I’ve probably been around babies longer than a lot of people that I’ve lost count to how many baptisms I’ve been to growing up. Still, this doesn’t stop some enterprising person from inventing some baby stuff these little tykes really don’t need or want in that matter. Some baby things out there will not see much use like certain clothes whether by designers or not. Some baby things are just downright inappropriate or ridiculous. And other products just may traumatize the wee things. Then there are the baby products that would make some people wonder whether they should call Child Services on their parents. Of course, as long as the human race keeps reproducing, there will always be someone trying to cash in on it. So without further adieu, here is an assortment of products for babies that parents should probably stay away from.

1. Laugh and Learn Apptivity Case

I know future generations will need to learn to live with technology. But c'mon, do babies really need iPhones this badly?

I know future generations will need to learn to live with technology. But c’mon, do babies really need iPhones this badly? In fact, I’m sure nobody wants their babies learn cognitive skills by organizing their contacts folder.

2. The WhyCry Mini Cry Analyzer

Yes, I know  babies cry a lot. But I'm sure it doesn't take much for parents to know what their babies want without one, especially when it comes to diaper changes. Nevertheless, I suspect this is a scam or an annoying game of Simon for infants.

Yes, I know babies cry a lot. But I’m sure it doesn’t take much for parents to know what their babies want without one, especially when it comes to diaper changes. Nevertheless, I suspect this is a scam or an annoying game of Simon for infants.

3. Gotta Go Mitts

Now I know this is for little kids. But still, wouldn't it be better to teach them to clean their messes. Also, there are already products that keep kiddie hands clean. It's called soap. You may have heard of it.

Now I know this is for little kids. But still, wouldn’t it be better to teach them to clean their messes. Also, there are already products that keep kiddie hands clean. It’s called soap. You may have heard of it.

4. Heelarious Baby Heels

Oh, hell no! Seriously, now's not the time to give baby Maddie a lifetime of foot problems or see a podiatrist before her time, especially when she's barely learned to walk. Seriously, why does this product even exist?

Oh, hell no! Seriously, now’s not the time to give baby Maddie a lifetime of foot problems or see a podiatrist before her time, especially when she’s barely learned to walk. Seriously, why does this product even exist?

5. The Baby Lasso

Yes, it may be hard to keep babies still for a diaper change. But still, what the hell is this thing even used for? Is the baby a piece of cattle?

Yes, it may be hard to keep babies still for a diaper change. But still, what the hell is this thing even used for? Is the baby a piece of cattle?

6. Pee Pee Teepee

Now these are supposed to cover a baby boy's junk during a diaper change in order to avoid any accidents. Of course, some baby boys might think it takes all the fun out of it.

Now these are supposed to cover a baby boy’s junk during a diaper change in order to avoid any accidents. Of course, some baby boys might think it takes all the fun out of it. May only be useful about once or twice.

7. Poop Alarm

Now this device is designed to alert parents when the baby needs changing. However, there is a cheaper and more reliable device that already does this which doesn't attach to a baby's butt. It's called the nose.

Now this device is designed to alert parents when the baby needs changing. However, there is a cheaper and more reliable device that already does this which doesn’t attach to a baby’s butt. It’s called the nose.

8. The Baby Flower Shower Visor

It's said to help protect babies from getting soap and shampoo in their eyes. However, my question is how do you wash and rinse what's under the cap?

It’s said to help protect babies from getting soap and shampoo in their eyes. However, my question is how do you wash and rinse what’s under the cap? Also, the baby doesn’t seem happy in it.

9. Snail Vacuum Cleaner

The toy that combines the independence of riding free with the wind with the joys of housecleaning. I'm sure my mom would've wanted me to have one of these while I was a baby. Of course, I probably wouldn't use it since I hate the noise of vacuum cleaners.

The toy that combines the independence of riding free with the wind with the joys of housecleaning. I’m sure my mom would’ve wanted me to have one of these while I was a baby. Of course, I probably wouldn’t use it since I hate the noise of vacuum cleaners.

10. Baby Toupee

As to why anyone would want their babies to look like Donald Trump, I don't have the slightest idea. Seriously, I'm sure the hair is as fake as the ugly mop Donald Trump has on his own head. And let's just say, your baby is much less whiny and self-centered than he is.

As to why anyone would want their babies to look like Donald Trump, I don’t have the slightest idea. Seriously, I’m sure the hair is as fake as the ugly mop Donald Trump has on his own head. And let’s just say, your baby is much less whiny and self-centered than he is.

11. The Tummy Tub

It's basically a bucket that costs $45 that's supposed to replicate the feeling of being in the womb. Nevertheless, if that does the trick, you should just hold on to your $45 and use a regular bucket, which comes with a handle.

It’s basically a bucket that costs $45 that’s supposed to replicate the feeling of being in the womb. Nevertheless, if that does the trick, you should just hold on to your $45 and use a regular bucket, which comes with a handle.

12. The Grillz Pacifier

I'm sure Kanye West probably bought one of these for his daughter North. Nevertheless, I see a a lot of bad rap songs and crime in this child's future, not to be stereotypical.

I’m sure Kanye West probably bought one of these for his daughter North. Nevertheless, I see a a lot of bad rap songs and crime in this child’s future, not to be stereotypical.

13. Baby Bangs

Just wait and their hair will come soon enough. That's how it works. In the meantime, you don't need me to tell you that these Baby Bangs look so ridiculous. Seriously, why does this even exist?

Just wait and their hair will come soon enough. That’s how it works. In the meantime, you don’t need me to tell you that these Baby Bangs look so ridiculous. Seriously, why does this even exist?

14. Baby Knee Pads

Because crawling babies have a chance to bust their knees while they're on the mood and must need protection. This doesn't account for the fact that ever since the dawn of time, most babies had to crawl without them and did just fine.

Because crawling babies have a chance to bust their knees while they’re on the mood and must need protection. This doesn’t account for the fact that ever since the dawn of time, most babies had to crawl without them and did just fine.

15. Baby Onesie Dust/Mop

Because if your baby can crawl, it can clean. Yeah, I'm sure your baby will be thrilled about that. Just wait until it needs a diaper change.

Because if your baby can crawl, it can clean. Yeah, I’m sure your baby will be thrilled about that. Just wait until it needs a diaper change or slips on a hardwood floor and loses a tooth.

16. The Peekaru

For the Alien lover inside you. Sorry, but this seems like a choking hazard and a waste of money. Also, pretty creepy if you think about it.

For the Alien lover inside you. Sorry, but this seems like a choking hazard and a waste of money. Also, pretty creepy if you think about it.

17. J&D’s Bacon Flavored Baby Formula

Because it's never too early to hop aboard the obesity train where all the stops consist of fat camp, body shaming, Type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and early death.

Because it’s never too early to hop aboard the obesity train where all the stops consist of fat camp, body shaming, Type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and early death.

18. Crumb Cap

For those worried about a messy baby, then you shouldn't even have a baby. Also, doubles as a scuba suit.

For those worried about a messy baby, then you shouldn’t even have a baby. Also, doubles as a scuba suit.

19. The Windi

This is a baby but plug supposed to help its gastrointestinal problems. However, I just see it as a big waste of money.

This is a baby but plug supposed to help its gastrointestinal problems. However, I just see it as a big waste of money.

20. The Kickbee

This is a motion sensing belt that sends a tweet every time a kick is detected. Basically sets up your kid into being an annoying douche from inside the womb. Seriously, what does a fetus have to tweet about?

This is a motion sensing belt that sends a tweet every time a kick is detected. Basically sets up your kid into being an annoying douche from inside the womb. Seriously, what does a fetus have to tweet about?

21. The Thudguard

Sure babies have softer heads than the rest of us. But still, I'm sure most of us have transitioned from infancy and toddlerhood just fine without the need for a stupid helmet like this.  Seriously, kids get bumps and bruises all the time. The best we can do is make sure they're more careful.

Sure babies have softer heads than the rest of us. But still, I’m sure most of us have transitioned from infancy and toddlerhood just fine without the need for a stupid helmet like this. Seriously, kids get bumps and bruises all the time. The best we can do is make sure they’re more careful.

22. The Zaky Hand Pillow

Because nothing comforts your child more than a disembodied arm. Or in that case, gives parent's nightmares. Luckily, the baby below just sees it as a toy.

Because nothing comforts your child more than a disembodied arm. Or in that case, gives parent’s nightmares. Luckily, the baby below just sees it as a toy.

23. NoseFrida the Snotsucker

Now I know a lot of people have snot coming out of their noses which is gross enough. However, sucking your baby's snot with this thing is perhaps the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. Seriously, there's a better way to clean your baby's snot ridden face. It's called a tissue or Kleenex.

Now I know a lot of people have snot coming out of their noses which is gross enough. However, sucking your baby’s snot with this thing is perhaps the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. Seriously, there’s a better way to clean your baby’s snot ridden face. It’s called a tissue or Kleenex.

24. The Bottle Holder

Is it so much effort just to hold a bottle to your child? Or do you have to get a contraption inspired by those beer holders we see at an NFL game? Also doubles as a baby hang glider.

Is it so much effort just to hold a bottle to your child? Or do you have to get a contraption inspired by those beer holders we see at an NFL game? Also doubles as a baby paraglider.

25. The Crib Dribbler

Okay, this is just wrong. Seriously, cribs aren't cages and babies aren't pets. Also, while you're at it, why don't you just get a baby crib exercise wheel for your baby to run on? Fortunately, this isn't a real product, just a prank box for a baby shower. Well, as far as we know.

Okay, this is just wrong. Seriously, cribs aren’t cages and babies aren’t pets. Also, while you’re at it, why don’t you just get a baby crib exercise wheel for your baby to run on? Fortunately, this isn’t a real product, just a prank box for a baby shower. Well, as far as we know.

26. The iPotty

With all the crap on Twitter and Facebook these days, it's never too early to start trolling with this costing $499. Nevertheless, an iPad is probably not necessary for a potty training toddler. Still, does it come in adult size?

With all the crap on Twitter and Facebook these days, it’s never too early to start trolling with this costing $499. Nevertheless, an iPad is probably not necessary for a potty training toddler. Still, does it come in adult size?

27. Baby Butt Fan

This is a fan that dries your baby's butt. However, there's a much cheaper alternative to this that only takes 10 seconds.

This is a fan that dries your baby’s butt. However, there’s a much cheaper alternative to this that only takes 10 seconds.

28. Baby Keeper

Because when mommy and daddy have their hands full, baby needs to be strung up and put against the wall. Guaranteed to traumatize the little tykes that they'll need a diaper change every time they're out of it.

Because when mommy and daddy have their hands full, baby needs to be strung up and put against the wall. Guaranteed to traumatize the little tykes that they’ll need a diaper change every time they’re out of it.

29. Swimming Neck Ring

Otherwise known as,

Otherwise known as, “My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer.” Supposed to keep babies afloat. Seriously, this looks like it could suffocate them. I’m sure they have other baby floatation devices.

30. My Carry Potty

I hate to say this, but wouldn't just be easier for your potty trained kid to just use a public toilet? Would make much better sense than having them carry their crap around with them. Disgusting.

I hate to say this, but wouldn’t just be easier for your potty trained kid to just use a public toilet? Would make much better sense than having them carry their crap around with them. Disgusting.

31. Baby Bomb Shelter

For the crazy survivalist parent who believes that the apocalypse will soon be upon us. I'm sure this baby will totally use this thing. Not.

For the crazy survivalist parent who believes that the apocalypse will soon be upon us. I’m sure this baby will totally use this thing. Not.

32. The Po-Knee

This device brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millennium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated. Parents, make sure the individual giving out pony rides is always wearing pants.

This device brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millennium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated. Parents, make sure the individual giving out pony rides is always wearing pants.

33. The Baby Bubadoo

Basically this is a baby straitjacket for the changing table.Seriously, why don't you put on a baby Hannibal Lecter mask while you're at it?

Basically this is a baby straitjacket for the changing table.Seriously, why don’t you put on a baby Hannibal Lecter mask while you’re at it?

34. Baby Perfume

Sure babies tend to stink a lot since they pee and poo in their diapers. But this doesn't mean you should buy perfume for them. Seriously, they're too young for that.

Sure babies tend to stink a lot since they pee and poo in their diapers. But this doesn’t mean you should buy perfume for them. Seriously, they’re too young for that.

35. Baby Bikini

Because it's never too early to sexualize your little girl with swimwear. Seriously, why does this thing even exist?

Because it’s never too early to sexualize your little girl with swimwear. Seriously, why does this thing even exist?

36. Toe Blooms

Now these would be perfect for my cousin Ava's very first trip to Las Vegas. Of course, this is assuming her parents are incredibly irresponsible people. Seriously, Vegas is a terrible place for babies. You're better off taking them to Disney World.

Now these would be perfect for my cousin Ava’s very first trip to Las Vegas. Of course, this is assuming her parents are incredibly irresponsible people (which they’re not). Seriously, Vegas is a terrible place for babies. You’re better off taking them to Disney World.

37. Ashton Martin Stroller

For God's sake, $3,000 is way too much for a baby stroller. Seriously, what kind of parent in their right mind would buy this thing?

For God’s sake, $3,000 is way too much for a baby stroller. Seriously, what kind of parent in their right mind would buy this thing?

38. Baby Flip Flops

Sorry, but if your baby can't walk into a shower unsupervised, then it's probably not the time to buy baby flip flops. Seriously, how do these things exist?

Sorry, but if your baby can’t walk into a shower unsupervised, then it’s probably not the time to buy baby flip flops. Seriously, how do these things exist?

39. Clip-On Stroller Fan

Obviously designed by someone who's never been around babies or small children. I mean that just looks like an accident waiting to happen.

Obviously designed by someone who’s never been around babies or small children. I mean that just looks like an accident waiting to happen.

40. Baby Cleats

Listen, if your baby isn't walking, then it's too early to get them to play soccer. Seriously, who the hell thinks babies can play soccer for God's sake?

Listen, if your baby isn’t walking, then it’s too early to get them to play soccer. Seriously, who the hell thinks babies can play soccer for God’s sake?

41. iPhone Teether

For one, it's made from wood. Second, if you give your baby this, try telling your kid later that

For one, it’s made from wood. Second, if you give your baby this, try telling your kid later that “phones are not toys.” Yeah, they’ll listen (sarcasm).

42. My Pee Pee Bottle

If your toddler has grown out of diapers then they should be potty trained to use a toilet. He or she should only pee in a bottle if there's no bathroom in sight, like everyone else.

If your toddler has grown out of diapers then they should be potty trained to use a toilet. He or she should only pee in a bottle if there’s no place to pee in sight, like everyone else. Also, if it’s a girl, I especially recommend the toilet, for obvious reasons.

43. Toddler Urinal

I'm sure there's a better way to teach your son how to pee standing up than buying his own training urinal. It's called the toilet and he could even use it to pee sitting down, too. Also, what's wrong with teaching him how to pee sitting down first?

I’m sure there’s a better way to teach your son how to pee standing up than buying his own training urinal. It’s called the toilet and he could even use it to pee sitting down, too. Also, what’s wrong with teaching him how to pee sitting down first?

44. Juppy Baby Walking Aid

Sure babies must learn to walk sometime. But putting them in a harness 57 times a day just seems too much trouble than just having them hold your freaking hand.

Sure babies must learn to walk sometime. But putting them in a harness 57 times a day just seems too much trouble than just having them hold your freaking hand.

45. Paper High Chair

I'm sure this is supposed to be

I’m sure this is supposed to be “sustainable” but I’m just not buying it, especially since it seems disposable. Of course, there’s a better way to be sustainable with high chairs. Just buy one at a yard sale for God’s sake.

46. Walk Up Toddler Changing Table

If your toddler is old enough for this, then they're probably old enough to use a toilet. Seriously, why does this even exist? Better stick with a potty seat.

If your toddler is old enough for this, then they’re probably old enough to use a toilet. Seriously, why does this even exist? Better stick with a potty seat.

47. Riding Potty Chair

I don't think mixing bathroom time with playground time is a good idea. Seriously, I just hope this girl knows that you don't take a dump on the playground equipment nor do you ride on the toilet.

I don’t think mixing bathroom time with playground time is a good idea. Seriously, I just hope this girl knows that you don’t take a dump on the playground equipment nor do you ride on the toilet.

48. Penguin Urinal

Now if you thought the toddler urinal was crazy enough, this one tells little boys to pee into their,

Now if you thought the toddler urinal was crazy enough, this one tells little boys to pee into their, “penguin friend.” Also, it’s said you can place this thing anywhere, even the living room. Which begs the question, why?

49. Potty Mitts

Public bathrooms may be gross but still, I'm not sure you want your kids growing up to be the next Howard Hughes. Seriously, nobody wears mitts going to the bathroom, save maybe Alaska.

Public bathrooms may be gross but still, I’m not sure you want your kids growing up to be the next Howard Hughes. Seriously, nobody wears mitts going to the bathroom, save maybe Alaska.

50. Poop Scoop Bag

Now as someone who lives in the country, I think a poop scoop bag is ridiculous enough in its original use. But using one for babies? Seriously, we have diapers for a reason.

Now as someone who lives in the country, I think a poop scoop bag is ridiculous enough in its original use. But using one for babies? Seriously, we have diapers for a reason. Still, if you’re going to clean up from your kid like that, why don’t you just line the floor with newspapers or buy a pooper scooper?

51. Baby Dumbbell

Sure babies need their exercise. But some workout routines should be started later than others. Weightlifting probably falls among the later.

Sure babies need their exercise. But some workout routines should be started later than others. Weightlifting probably falls among the later.

52. Woombie

This is supposed to be a cocoon like sack to get a baby to sleep and it's stretchy enough for comfort and movement. However, it resembles something you'd see at the Ye Olde Insane Asylum.

This is supposed to be a cocoon like sack to get a baby to sleep and it’s stretchy enough for comfort and movement. However, it resembles something you’d see at the Ye Olde Insane Asylum.

53. Hula-Bye

Now this straps your baby onto a changing table so you won't have a hard time cleaning up. Of course, my grandfather used to strap me onto a changing table in my infancy and it didn't cost him $42. Still, this isn't a medieval torture device.

Now this straps your baby onto a changing table so you won’t have a hard time cleaning up. Of course, my grandfather used to strap me onto a changing table in my infancy and it didn’t cost him $42. Still, this isn’t a medieval torture device.

54. Baby Stimulation Shirt for Adults

Yes, now parents can wear this shirt to stimulate their baby's senses at the cost of the retail price and their dignity. Seriously,   I'm sure plenty of parents just bought educational toys instead.

Yes, now parents can wear this shirt to stimulate their baby’s senses at the cost of the retail price and their dignity. Seriously, I’m sure plenty of parents just bought educational toys instead.

55. The Ritmo Advanced Pregnancy Sound System

I'm sure fetuses need a lot of things, but I'm not sure blasting music through the womb is one of them. Seriously, singing is cheaper and won't cost $150.

I’m sure fetuses need a lot of things, but I’m not sure blasting music through the womb is one of them. Seriously, singing is cheaper and won’t cost $150.

56. Baby Tattoos

Of course, these aren't real. But still, I'm sure grandma won't be pleased assuming she's not in a biker gang. Seriously, babies are too young for tattoos.

Of course, these aren’t real. But still, I’m sure grandma won’t be pleased assuming she’s not in a biker gang. Seriously, babies are too young for tattoos.

57. Beeni Baby Hat

Combine this with the Baby Bubadoo, and you've gotten a little Hannibal Lecter on your hands. Seriously, this is disturbing, not cute.

Combine this with the Baby Bubadoo, and you’ve gotten a little Hannibal Lecter on your hands. Seriously, this is disturbing, not cute.

58. Thongies

Thong diapers? Why in the hell do these exist? Seriously, these aren't just inappropriate but they probably aren't as effective as regular diapers.

Thong diapers? Why in the hell do these exist? Seriously, these aren’t just inappropriate but they probably aren’t as effective as regular diapers.

59. The Bite Counter

Basically this is designed to count bites. But I think it's maximum embarrassment with minimum effort. From Japan, no less.

Basically this is designed to count bites. But I think it’s maximum embarrassment with minimum effort. From Japan, no less.

60. Baby Hjolster

Because in Texas, carrying a baby has to be like carrying a gun: from the hip. Seriously, why? It's stupid.

Because in Texas, carrying a baby has to be like carrying a gun: from the hip. Seriously, why? It’s stupid.

61. The Boob Hat

Inspired by the mother's breasts and the father's NFL beer hat, this is supposed to feed an active baby or toddler without disrupting their lifestyles. However, has the unfortunate side effect of making your little one look like a complete idiot.

Inspired by the mother’s breasts and the father’s NFL beer hat, this is supposed to feed an active baby or toddler without disrupting their lifestyles. However, has the unfortunate side effect of making your little one look like a complete idiot.

62. Colemom 1.5 Person Wearable Breastfeeding Tent

Good News: Will keep moms away from cops asking them to cover up while breastfeeding in public. Bad News: Force moms to sacrifice their dignity upon feeding baby.

Good News: Will keep moms away from cops asking them to cover up while breastfeeding in public.
Bad News: Force moms to sacrifice their dignity upon feeding baby.

63. Mr. Milker Breastfeeding Vest for Men

Now I may be for gender equality and gay marriage as much as anyone, but I believe God created men and women as anatomically different for a reason. Seriously, the concept behind this is just very wrong. Besides, the idea that breastfeeding is the only way you can bond with your baby is just plain sexist.

Now I may be for gender equality and gay marriage as much as anyone, but I believe God created men and women as anatomically different for a reason. Seriously, the concept behind this is just very wrong. Besides, the idea that breastfeeding is the only way you can bond with your baby is just plain sexist.

64. The Baby Cage

Hey, stupid baby products aren't just limited to the 21st century. When your grandparents were young, many of them were suspended over their family's apartment windows with these. It's a wonder how many of them managed to survive childhood without needing therapy.

Hey, stupid baby products aren’t just limited to the 21st century. When your grandparents were young, many of them were suspended over their family’s apartment windows with these. It’s a wonder how many of them managed to survive childhood without needing therapy.

65. Ice Skating Baby Holder

Another vintage baby product that makes the baby cage seem reasonable. Still, if mommy and daddy want to go ice skating, why can't they just leave baby with a sitter or grandparents? Seriously, think about the baby's safety here!

Another vintage baby product that makes the baby cage seem reasonable. Still, if mommy and daddy want to go ice skating, why can’t they just leave baby with a sitter or grandparents? Seriously, think about the baby’s safety here!

66. Bottle Sling

I don't know about you, but this seems like an all around formula disaster waiting to happen. Seriously, why does this even exist?

I don’t know about you, but this seems like an all around formula disaster waiting to happen. Seriously, why does this even exist?

67. Bathtub Divider

I'm sure plenty of parents bathed their babies just fine without one. Seriously, they have baby bathtubs available. Why can't parents just use that?

I’m sure plenty of parents bathed their babies just fine without one. Seriously, they have baby bathtubs available. Why can’t parents just use that?

68. Sun Smarties Swimwear

These suits are meant to protect babies and toddlers from sunburn. Still, sunscreen was invented like 100 years ago, so parents don't have to dress their little ones at the beach with "My Very First Haz Mat Suit." Yes, nothing says "fun in the sun" like a uranium leak that's going to give your future grandchildren 3 heads.

These suits are meant to protect babies and toddlers from sunburn. Still, sunscreen was invented like 100 years ago, so parents don’t have to dress their little ones at the beach with “My Very First Haz Mat Suit.” Yes, nothing says “fun in the sun” like a uranium leak that’s going to give your future grandchildren 3 heads.

69. Safety Trampoline

A kind of trampoline for your child minus the terrible injuries or fun. Seriously, if you kid thinks holding a bar while jumping repeatedly is fun, you might need to reconsider their sugar intake.

A kind of trampoline for your child minus the terrible injuries or fun. Seriously, if you kid thinks holding a bar while jumping repeatedly in place is fun, you might need to reconsider their sugar intake.

70. Time Out Pad

Now this is supposed to turn a common parental punishment into a fun game with sound effects and lights. Seriously, small children have no concept of time and time out isn't supposed to be fun.

Now this is supposed to turn a common parental punishment into a fun game with sound effects and lights. Seriously, small children have no concept of time and time out isn’t supposed to be fun.

71. Lil’ Chompers

Just because babies are born without teeth, doesn't mean you should buy dentures for them. The teeth will come before you know it, like in seven months. These just make your baby look freaky.

Just because babies are born without teeth, doesn’t mean you should buy dentures for them. The teeth will come before you know it, like in seven months. These just make your baby look freaky.

72. Nurse Me Tender

Just because you can't breastfeed, doesn't mean you should use this to feed your baby. Why else do we have baby formula or bottles? Seriously, why does this exist?

Just because you can’t breastfeed, doesn’t mean you should use this to feed your baby. Why else do we have baby formula or bottles? Seriously, why does this exist?

73. Toddler Tracker

Because toddlers tend to wander off, here's a surveillance device in order to know where they are. Let's hope it can't be detached by kidnappers. Still, if you feel that your kid needs a tracker, what does it say about your parenting skills?

Because toddlers tend to wander off, here’s a surveillance device in order to know where they are. Let’s hope it can’t be detached by kidnappers. Still, if you feel that your kid needs a tracker, what does it say about your parenting skills?

74. Wipe Warmer

I know these are supposed to keep wipes warm. However, a non-warm wipe will do just fine. So why waste your hard earned cash on this stupid thing?

I know these are supposed to keep wipes warm. However, a non-warm wipe will do just fine. So why waste your hard earned cash on this stupid thing?

75. Bling Binky

A diamond studded pacifier? For the love of God! Seriously, you can get a pacifier cheap at any store. So there's no reason why parents should spend hundreds of dollars on a stupid binky.

A diamond studded pacifier? For the love of God! Seriously, you can get a pacifier cheap at any store. So there’s no reason why parents should spend hundreds of dollars on a stupid binky.

76. Baby-Q Ribs

Just because your baby is teething doesn't mean it's time to teach them how to eat some baby back ribs. Seriously, BBQ ribs are for grown-ups.

Just because your baby is teething doesn’t mean it’s time to teach them how to eat some baby back ribs. Seriously, BBQ ribs are for grown-ups.

77. The Nuroo Pocket Babywearing Shirt

This is supposed to make mothers look good as they have a baby down her shirt. However, to me, this just looks freaky.

This is supposed to make mothers look good as they have a baby down her shirt. However, to me, this just looks freaky.

78. Pacifier Wipes

You can easily wash pacifiers in the dishwasher or with soap and water. Like my parents did. So why to these even exist I'll never know.

You can easily wash pacifiers in the dishwasher or with soap and water. Like my parents did. So why to these even exist I’ll never know.

79. Baby Whirpool Spa

I'm sure this is as expensive as hell and totally unnecessary. Seriously, your baby can go without jetted water or a spa tub for that matter.

I’m sure this is as expensive as hell and totally unnecessary. Seriously, your baby can go without jetted water or a spa tub for that matter.

80. Formula Mixer

I'm sure there's a cheaper gizmo that will mix baby formula just as well. You may have heard of it. It's called a spoon.

I’m sure there’s a cheaper gizmo that will mix baby formula just as well. You may have heard of it. It’s called a spoon.

Father’s Day Gifts Your Dad Doesn’t Want

Me with my father and sister at my sister's high school graduation in 2011.

Me with my dad and sister at my sister’s high school graduation in June of 2011.

I know Father’s Day won’t be around for another month or two but it doesn’t hurt to plan early, assuming he’s still alive and you’re on good terms with him. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to think about buying something for the father of your kids, too, assuming that you know who he is and whether he’s a man deserving of such honor. Still, fathers aren’t as prized as mothers since they their biological contributions to their children doesn’t take as much time and investment as mothers, typically don’t take much investment in raising the kid, usually stop living with their children in divorce cases, tend to commit more crimes against their families as far as official records show, and in some cases aren’t called jerks if they tend to neglect their family for their career ambitions. Furthermore, the idea of American masculinity doesn’t seem to jive well with parenting at times, especially when it comes to being more nurturing. Not to mention, fathers can be portrayed as hopeless with housework or complete idiots. Nevertheless, the kind working fathers who stay with their families should receive paid paternity leave because even though they’re not popping out babies, they certainly could use a break for everything they do. And sure, while fathers are typically seen as providers and protectors, they also need to be seen as nurturers willing to do whatever it takes to make sure their kids become well-adjusted human beings. And other than moms, dads tend to have a big influence on their children’s lives whether they like it or not. Of course, like Mother’s Day it’s also seething with commercialism but not to the same degree, save maybe with the funny card department as well as with certain stores and departments that cater toward men. Now I can go on and on about great gifts you should bestow on your dear old dad. But since it will be boring, I’ll focus on stuff that will make your pops clutch at his heart upon revelation that you’ll have to call 911 to send him to a hospital. Now I’m not talking about “World’s Greatest Dad” mugs and what not. I’m talking about stuff that’s more unusual. So without further adieu, I give you an assortment of gifts that certainly not please your old man. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

1. Handyman Tool Belt Lounge Pants

Basically this is for the dad who would like to see himself as a handyman but is too busy being a couch potato. Also, the tools are fake and these are sweatpants.

Basically this is for the dad who would like to see himself as a handyman but is too busy being a couch potato. Also, the tools are fake and these are sweatpants. Best for watching reruns of This Old House.

2. Toilet Mug

Just because your dad enjoys toilet jokes doesn't mean he wants to drink his coffee from one in the morning. Seriously, he'd totally wouldn't want to be seen with this.

Just because your dad enjoys toilet jokes doesn’t mean he wants to drink his coffee from one in the morning. Seriously, he’d totally wouldn’t want to be seen with this.

3. BBQ Big Boy

Even if your dad is Steven Raichlen of BBQ U and Primal Grill, this would make a very terrible Father's Day gift. Unless, of course, he's a grilling enthusiast currently in a fraternity. But even then, such a Father's Day gift would be awkward but for different reasons.

Even if your dad is Steven Raichlen of BBQ U and Primal Grill (as well as possibly the manliest cook on public television), this would make a very terrible Father’s Day gift. Unless, of course, he’s a grilling enthusiast currently in a fraternity. But even then, such a Father’s Day gift would be awkward but for different reasons.

4. 52 Things Kids Need from a Dad by Jay Payleitner

From Cosmo: "Add some real bite by tabbing individual pages that illustrate his fatherly shortcomings and make sure to annotate with specific examples from your childhood." Still, you're much better off giving him a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and rubbing it in your face that he'll measure up to Atticus Finch.

From Cosmo: “Add some real bite by tabbing individual pages that illustrate his fatherly shortcomings and make sure to annotate with specific examples from your childhood.” Still, you’re much better off giving him a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and rubbing it in your face that he’ll measure up to Atticus Finch.

5. Bill Cosby Sweater

For those who know what's been going on with Bill Cosby lately, you can see why this is no longer a great gift idea. Seriously, in this day in age what was once seen as, "loveable dad" could immediately transform into, "serial rapist" very quickly.

For those who know what’s been going on with Bill Cosby lately, you can see why this is no longer a great gift idea. Seriously, in this day in age what was once seen as, “loveable dad” could immediately transform into, “serial rapist” very quickly.

6. Emergency Underwear Dispenser

Now your dad has an embarrassing place to put his equally embarrassing tidy whiteys. Also, if he gets upset, you can tell him the diaper dispenser was on back order.

Now your dad has an embarrassing place to put his equally embarrassing tidy whiteys. Also, if he gets upset, you can tell him the diaper dispenser was on back order.

7. Wiener Roasters

For the dad who loves to grill and possesses no sense of taste. Seriously, I'm not sure if my dad would want to be caught dead roasting hotdogs from these.

For the dad who loves to grill and possesses no sense of taste. Seriously, I’m not sure if my dad would want to be caught dead roasting hotdogs from these.

8. Eagle Claw Portable Potty

From Farm and Fleet: "Carrying a “potty” in your pocket is not a good idea no matter how clever they think it might be!" Yes, this is basically "Go Girl" for men.

From Farm and Fleet: “Carrying a “potty” in your pocket is not a good idea no matter how clever they think it might be!” Yes, this is basically “Go Girl” for men.

9. Waxvac Ear Cleaner

There are more polite ways of telling your father that he's losing his hearing. And I'm sure hearing loss isn't always caused by wax buildup.

There are more polite ways of telling your father that he’s losing his hearing. And I’m sure hearing loss isn’t always caused by wax buildup.

10. RELIANCE Luggable Loo Portable Camping Toilet

From Farm and Fleet: "Could you imagine dad lugging this into a movie theater on family movie night? It doesn’t matter if the movie theater adds claim “So comfortable, you’ll feel like you’re watching a movie in the comfort of your own home”."  Of course, he could just as well use the facilities already available at any venue anyway, campground or not.

From Farm and Fleet: “Could you imagine dad lugging this into a movie theater on family movie night? It doesn’t matter if the movie theater adds claim “So comfortable, you’ll feel like you’re watching a movie in the comfort of your own home”.” Of course, he could just as well use the facilities already available at any venue anyway, campground or not.

11. Borat Mankini

If it looked bad on Borat, it will certainly look terrible on your dad. To quote my dad,  just say, "no way in hell," on this one.

If it looked bad on Borat, it will certainly look terrible on your dad. To quote my dad, just say, “no way in hell,” on this one.

12. The Slim & Lift Undershirt for Men

Otherwise known as "Spanx for Dudes."  Basically, this says, "take this gift to hide your fat" to your beer bellied old man even if he's about 6 feet tall and weighs 180 pounds.

Otherwise known as “Spanx for Dudes.” Basically, this says, “take this gift to hide your fat” to your beer bellied old man even if he’s about 6 feet tall and weighs 180 pounds. Yeah, I’m sure your dad wouldn’t appreciate this.

13. Bedbug Sleeping Cocoon

Dad infested with bedbugs? Does he lay down with dogs and ends up with fleas? For $79, your dad will be safe from re-infesting himself even if he's an ireedemable slob who slums in bug infested beds.

Dad infested with bedbugs? Does he lay down with dogs and ends up with fleas? For $79, your dad will be safe from re-infesting himself even if he’s an irredeemable slob who slums in bug infested beds.

14. Beer Belly

Before getting this ask yourself these questions: 1. Does Dad have drinking problem?, 2. Is Dad very self-conscious about his waistline?, and 3. Will people find it awkward that Dad sips from a straw out of his shirt? Then again, this is probably a pretty bad idea.

Before getting this ask yourself these questions: 1. Does Dad have drinking problem?, 2. Is Dad very self-conscious about his waistline?, and 3. Will people find it awkward that Dad sips from a straw out of his shirt? Then again, this is probably a pretty bad idea.

15. Beer Belt

For dads who love beer and hate getting a refill. Can hold cans or bottles. Nevertheless, should you really be encouraging your dad to drink a circumference of beer? Certainly not.

For dads who love beer and hate getting a refill. Can hold cans or bottles. Nevertheless, should you really be encouraging your dad to drink a circumference of beer? Certainly not, especially if he might have a drinking problem.

16. Cruzin Cooler

Does your dad hate walking but love cold beverages like beer? If so,  with this your dad can enjoy a beer while cruising along at up to 10 miles on electric models. Of course, this will also lead your dad embarrassing you at sporting events as well as hunting and fishing trips. However, my dad would rather have a cooler he can load up in a trunk with groceries. I'm sure he wouldn't get much use from this.

Does your dad hate walking but love cold beverages like beer? If so, with this your dad can enjoy a beer while cruising along at up to 10 miles on electric models. Of course, this will also lead your dad embarrassing you at sporting events as well as hunting and fishing trips. However, my dad would rather have a cooler he can load up in a trunk with groceries. I’m sure he wouldn’t get much use from this since I’m positive Aldi’s wouldn’t let him in with one.

17. Beer Soap

Now these come in scents like Stout, Black Ale, Porter, and Wild Lager. Nevertheless, would you want your dad emerge from the shower smelling like he's just come out of a bar? Think about it.

Now these come in scents like Stout, Black Ale, Porter, and Wild Lager. Nevertheless, would you want your dad emerge from the shower smelling like he’s just come out of a bar? Think about it.

18. Chest Hair Toupee

And I thought regular head toupees are stupid. If your dad sports a hairless chest, why don't you just encourage him to embrace it? Seriously, why does this thing even exist?

And I thought regular head toupees are stupid. If your dad sports a hairless chest, why don’t you just encourage him to embrace it? Seriously, why does this thing even exist?

19. Denim Underwear

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "Maybe instead of the “Sex for Dummies” book you can spice up your love life with a pair of these…and why not? Men buy women lingerie all the time!  Or maybe the father of your children likes to go commando in jeans. OR maybe you can’t afford a vasectomy and you’re tired of the man fathering children with you. These denim wonders are sperm killers fo’ sho!" Yeah, I'm sure those underpants would be a hit if he wore them to a gay bar, not that there's anything wrong with that. Then again, I'm sure nobody would even want their gay dad in these.

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Maybe instead of the “Sex for Dummies” book you can spice up your love life with a pair of these…and why not? Men buy women lingerie all the time! Or maybe the father of your children likes to go commando in jeans. OR maybe you can’t afford a vasectomy and you’re tired of the man fathering children with you. These denim wonders are sperm killers fo’ sho!” Yeah, I’m sure those underpants would be a hit if he wore them to a gay bar, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Then again, I’m sure nobody would even want their gay dad in these.

20. TEMPTOOTH Do-It-Yourself Tooth Replacement

Just because there's a DIY tooth replacement kit out there, doesn't mean it's a great gift for Father's Day. In fact, any kit of DIY dentistry is a really bad idea. Still, Stu from The Hangover could've used one of these.

Just because there’s a DIY tooth replacement kit out there, doesn’t mean it’s a great gift for Father’s Day. In fact, any kit of DIY dentistry is a really bad idea. Still, Stu from The Hangover could’ve used one of these.

21. Swashbuckling BBQ Sword

Let's face it, nobody wants to see a fencing match with BBQ implements. Seriously, sword + BBQ = potential for disaster.

Let’s face it, nobody wants to see a fencing match with BBQ implements. Seriously, sword + BBQ = potential for disaster.

22. Inflatable Unicorn Horn

To be fair, if it was stupid enough to get one for your cat, just imagine how stupid your dad will look in one of these. Still, sure to make him a hit at the retirement home.

To be fair, if it was stupid enough to get one for your cat, just imagine how stupid your dad will look in one of these. Still, sure to make him a hit at the retirement home.

23. The Daddle

For the dad who can give horsey rides and not give a shit about his dignity. Not appropriate for toddlers trained in the English Father Riding Method. So don't use it for father jumping, father fox hunting, father polo, or daddy dressage.

For the dad who can give horsey rides and not give a shit about his dignity. Not appropriate for toddlers trained in the English Father Riding Method. So don’t use it for father jumping, father fox hunting, father polo, or daddy dressage.

24. Handerpants – Underpants for Your Hands

Because skidmarks aren't just from your ass anymore. Still, underwear for your hands? I'm sure these are of the tidy whitey variety. As if tidy whiteys aren't embarrassing enough for men to wear under their pants already.

Because skidmarks aren’t just from your ass anymore. Still, underwear for your hands? I’m sure these are of the tidy whitey variety. As if tidy whiteys aren’t embarrassing enough for men to wear under their pants already.

25. Flair Hair Visors, Bandanas, and accessories

Of course, these come in a variety of different styles such as the Guy Fieri, the 1980s Lynyrd Skynyrd fan, the Biker, the Bedhead, and the Guy from Trailer Park. There are alot on their website, including one with dreadlocks (which I'm not kidding about by the way). Still, he's probably better off without one.

Of course, these come in a variety of different styles such as the Guy Fieri, the 1980s Lynyrd Skynyrd fan, the Biker, the Bedhead, and the Guy from Trailer Park. There are alot on their website, including one with dreadlocks (which I’m not kidding about by the way). Still, he’s probably better off without one.

26. Glam Rock Men’s Underwear

From France with just $59-$90, your dad can channel his old favorite glam rock musician by wearing what you might've found in David Bowie's underwear drawer during his 1970s Ziggy Stardust phase. Yeah, I'm sure these will make any guy seem like a pinnacle of manliness (sarcasm).

From France with just $59-$90, your dad can channel his old favorite glam rock musician by wearing what you might’ve found in David Bowie’s underwear drawer during his 1970s Ziggy Stardust phase. Yeah, I’m sure these will make any guy seem like a pinnacle of manliness (sarcasm).

27. Grill Sergeant Apron

This apron comes with room for all the grilling essentials such as grill tools, condiments, and beer cans. Because when your dad goes to grill, he needs to be prepared for anything.  I'm sure this would make Steven Raichlen jealous.

This apron comes with room for all the grilling essentials such as grill tools, condiments, and beer cans. Because when your dad goes to grill, he needs to be prepared for anything. I’m sure this would make Steven Raichlen jealous.

28. Head Spa

Unless your dad likes head massages and looking somewhat of a human cyborg, you should probably not get him this. Seriously, this partial Robocop helmet would make him look utterly ridiculous.

Unless your dad likes head massages and looking somewhat of a human cyborg, you should probably not get him this. Seriously, this partial Robocop helmet would make him look utterly ridiculous.

29. Head and Eye Massager

With a $200 contribution to Skymall, you can help dad relax, unwind, and look like he's ready to fight an intergalactic battle with this contraption! Of course, he'll probably be disappointed that this isn't a virtual reality headset and controller.

With a $200 contribution to Skymall, you can help dad relax, unwind, and look like he’s ready to fight an intergalactic battle with this contraption! Of course, he’ll probably be disappointed that this isn’t a virtual reality headset and controller, especially if he’s Bill Gates.

30. Knight Sweatshirt

With just $225, this will make your dad as comfortable as he is brave as well as part of the King's Guard. Will also make him look like an idiot at home as well as at your local Renaissance  Fair or Game of Thrones convention.

With just $225, this will make your dad as comfortable as he is brave as well as part of the King’s Guard. Will also make him look like an idiot at home as well as at your local Renaissance Fair or Game of Thrones convention.

31. Japanese Foam Women’s Legs Pillow

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "Does the man in your life have separation anxiety? Whenever you’re away from him does he have trouble sleeping?  If you can’t be there to put him to bed each night, I’ve found the next best thing!" Yeah, but if he's your dad, you might want to think twice about buying this.

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Does the man in your life have separation anxiety? Whenever you’re away from him does he have trouble sleeping? If you can’t be there to put him to bed each night, I’ve found the next best thing!” Yeah, but if he’s your dad, you might want to think twice about buying this.

32. Kiss Hankie

Now this is the kind of gift that might end your parents' marriage on Father's Day, assuming that your dad isn't "hiking the Appalachian Trail" that weekend (I'm talking to you former governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina who spent Father's Day with a mistress in Argentina and didn't tell anyone).

Now this is the kind of gift that might end your parents’ marriage on Father’s Day, assuming that your dad isn’t “hiking the Appalachian Trail” that weekend (I’m talking to you former governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina who spent Father’s Day with a mistress in Argentina and didn’t tell anyone).

33. Kleen Stride Shoes Personal Debris Removal System

Because if he can walk, he can clean. Comes with attachable rake and plow, which are sold separately.

Because if he can walk, he can clean. Comes with attachable rake and plow, which are sold separately.

34. Shittens

Want your dad to be as sanitary as possible? Then these Shittens will bring the joy of hand cleaning his ass without all the crappy contamination.  Great for changing diapers.

Want your dad to be as sanitary as possible? Then these Shittens will bring the joy of hand cleaning his ass without all the crappy contamination. Great for changing diapers.

35. The Man Can

This include everything a man needs to go soft like Fisherman’s Hand Butter, Fisherman’s Scrub Soap, Spicy Shave Gel, Bay Rum After Shower Oil, and a body mitt. I mean a bath set is what you give your mom when you don't know what else to buy her, so why not get one for your dad? Yeah, I'm sure he'll really take to that (sarcasm).

This include everything a man needs to go soft like Fisherman’s Hand Butter, Fisherman’s Scrub Soap, Spicy Shave Gel, Bay Rum After Shower Oil, and a body mitt. I mean a bath set is what you give your mom when you don’t know what else to buy her, so why not get one for your dad? Yeah, I’m sure he’ll really take to that (sarcasm).

36. Meggings

Leggings tend to walk a fine line between tights and pants, so why should women be the ones pushing boundaries of appropriate apparel? Great for hipster dads or any father who doesn't give a flying fashion statement. Still, gives him the opportunity to channel male icons like David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, George Michael, and Elton John.

Leggings tend to walk a fine line between tights and pants, so why should women be the ones pushing boundaries of appropriate apparel? Great for hipster dads or any father who doesn’t give a flying fashion statement. Still, gives him the opportunity to channel male icons like David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, George Michael, Mick Jagger, Michael Jackson, and Elton John.

37. Play Mat Tee Shirt for Men

For $22, this shirt gives dad a back rub as well as fosters a bond between him and his children. Hope the kiddies aren't playing with Legos, though.

For $22, this shirt gives dad a back rub as well as fosters a bond between him and his children. Hope the kiddies aren’t playing with Legos, though.

38. Shakoolie

Showering can really get in the way of enjoying a cold beer. But with this shower beer holder, it doesn't have to be that way anymore. Of course, let's hope that soapy water doesn't get in the beer though.

Showering can really get in the way of enjoying a cold beer. But with this shower beer holder, it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. Of course, let’s hope that soapy water doesn’t get in the beer though.

39. Reef Men’s Fanning Sandal

These sandals have a hidden bottle opener in the middle of the sole. So if you want to see your dad open a bottle with his shoe, you shouldn't get this. Seriously, that's gross.

These sandals have a hidden bottle opener in the middle of the sole. So if you want to see your dad open a bottle with his shoe, you shouldn’t get this. Seriously, that’s gross.

40. Shouting Vase

For $66, you ill tempered dad can take out all his anger and frustrations while unintentionally entertaining your friends. Let's hope they have these in toddler size.

For $66, you ill tempered dad can take out all his anger and frustrations while unintentionally entertaining your friends. Let’s hope they have these in toddler size.

41. World’s Greatest Dad Darth Vader T-Shirt

So this means that being a great dad basically means locking up your daughter for termination, blowing up her planet, freezing her boyfriend in carbonite for Jabba the Hutt via Boba Fett, cutting off your son’s hand, and asking him to join the family business or face death?  I’m sorry, but if you think that Darth Vader is the World’s Greatest dad, your attitude toward parenting must squarely fall on the Dark Side.

42. A trip to Paradise Valley.

Now I’m sure that the guys at Paradise Valley said, “Dad” in the context of “father of your children” such as wives wanting to give their husbands something while somebody watching the kiddies. However, this ad really has a real creepy incest subtext that might remind you of either Greek tragedies or Game of Thrones. A perfect Father’s Day gift for Noah Cross.

43. A 3-Wheeled Riding Mower

Now this is the kind of gift that will basically telling Dad that the grass needs cut and he should really lose a few. Let's just say, my dad is more likely to stick to his Cub Cadet.

Now this is the kind of gift that will basically telling Dad that the grass needs cut and he should really lose a few. Let’s just say, my dad is more likely to stick to his Cub Cadet.

44. Man Candles

These are scented candles for men that come in aromas like bacon,pizza, popcorn, sawdust, and farts. Still, even if my dad likes those smells, he’d hate this gift simple because he hates candles in general. They give him migraines.

45. Gold Man Home Urinal

From Huffington Post: "This product is supposed to prevent messy toilet seats, but you still have to wash it (which it recommends you do using the shower). Wouldn't it be easier to just clean the regular toilet, or even pee in the shower? Yes. Yes it would."

From Huffington Post: “This product is supposed to prevent messy toilet seats, but you still have to wash it (which it recommends you do using the shower). Wouldn’t it be easier to just clean the regular toilet, or even pee in the shower? Yes. Yes it would.”

46. Potty Putter Golf Green

So this basically lets your dad practicing his hole in one while he's doing a no. 2. Now walking in on your dad in the bathroom has just become a whole lot more awkward.

So this basically lets your dad practicing his hole in one while he’s doing a no. 2. Now walking in on your dad in the bathroom has just become a whole lot more awkward.

47. Mantyhose

If you thought Meggings were silly enough, you have Mantyhose, which are pantyhose for men. Of course, before these, Lord knows what kind of stockings transvestites used.

If you thought Meggings were silly enough, you have Mantyhose, which are pantyhose for men. Of course, before these, Lord knows what kind of stockings transvestites used.

48. UroClub – Golf Club Urination Device

From Huffington Post: "We get that there are no bathrooms on a golf course, so relieving yourself can be a little complicated. But this? It's a urine receptacle shaped like a golf club, complete with a "privacy shield" towel that's really an unconvincing loin cloth. All of a sudden peeing behind a bush seems so much more sophisticated."

From Huffington Post: “We get that there are no bathrooms on a golf course, so relieving yourself can be a little complicated. But this? It’s a urine receptacle shaped like a golf club, complete with a “privacy shield” towel that’s really an unconvincing loin cloth. All of a sudden peeing behind a bush seems so much more sophisticated.”

49. Men’s Underwear Repair Kit

With this your dad won't have to worry about wearing out his underwear again. You know what's cheaper way to handle worn out underwear? Buying him a new pack of underwear.

With this your dad won’t have to worry about wearing out his underwear again. You know what’s cheaper way to handle worn out underwear? Buying him a new pack of underwear.

50. Spray – On Hair

Dad worried about his growing bald spot? This spray on hair will do the trick. Spray it on and no one will know (yeah right). Nevertheless, this guy isn't fooling anybody.

Dad worried about his growing bald spot? This spray on hair will do the trick. Spray it on and no one will know (yeah right). Nevertheless, this guy isn’t fooling anybody.

51. Men’s Brassiere

You know you've heard of this as either a "bro" or a "mansiere" from Seinfeld. Well, thanks to the Japanese, you can totally get one for your dad. But that doesn't necessarily mean you should. Yeah, I'm not sure what the Japanese are on to come up with such products. Also, comes in pink.

You know you’ve heard of this as either a “bro” or a “mansiere” from Seinfeld. Well, thanks to the Japanese, you can totally get one for your dad. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you should. Yeah, I’m not sure what the Japanese are on to come up with such products. Also, comes in pink.

52. Que Eau de Barbecue

Just because you love your dad and baby back ribs, doesn't mean you should buy him barbecue scented cologne. I mean why would you want cologne that smells like you've just came from the grill? Seriously, who comes up with this shit?

Just because you love your dad and baby back ribs, doesn’t mean you should buy him barbecue scented cologne. I mean why would you want cologne that smells like you’ve just came from the grill? Seriously, who comes up with this shit?

53. Finger Nose Hair Trimmer

Now nose hair trimmers make horrible gifts for Father's Day. But this one's shaped like a finger which makes it even more disgusting. Yeah, I'm sure your dad will certainly appreciate this (not).

Now nose hair trimmers make horrible gifts for Father’s Day. But this one’s shaped like a finger which makes it even more disgusting. Yeah, I’m sure your dad will certainly appreciate this (not).

54. Laser Portrait Paperweight

Sure this might seem like a good idea at the time. But blasting a creepy laser portrait of yourself into a glass paperweight just adds insult to injury.

Sure this might seem like a good idea at the time. But blasting a creepy laser portrait of yourself into a glass paperweight just adds insult to injury.

55. Breathalyzer Keychain

I'm sure giving your dad a breathalyzer keychain is a very subtle way to tell him that he has a drinking problem. Perhaps if your considering giving your dad this, it's probably time for an intervention.

I’m sure giving your dad a breathalyzer keychain is a very subtle way to tell him that he has a drinking problem. Perhaps if your considering giving your dad this, it’s probably time for an intervention.

56. IGrow Laser Helmet

This is supposed to be a helmet that increases hair growth by shooting laser beams through the scalp and costs $695. Not sure if it works, but it will surely make your dad look ridiculous when he's wearing it. Yeah, $695 is totally not worth it.

This is supposed to be a helmet that increases hair growth by shooting laser beams through the scalp and costs $695. Not sure if it works, but it will surely make your dad look ridiculous when he’s wearing it. Yeah, $695 is totally not worth it.

57. Leggy End Table

Good: Would make a fine addition for the Christmas Story Leg Lamp you bought him for Christmas. Bad: Makes a very inappropriate living room decoration.

Good: Would make a fine addition for the Christmas Story Leg Lamp you bought him for Christmas.
Bad: Makes a very inappropriate living room decoration.

58. Tattoupees

Snazz up your dad's chrome dome with an assortment of head tattoos. That will help him embrace his baldness.

Snazz up your dad’s chrome dome with an assortment of head tattoos. That will help him embrace his baldness.

59. Upright Sleeper

Dad always nodding off? Always waking up finding himself on a stranger's shoulder or face down on the floor? Well, this Upright Sleeper is totally not the awkward way to sleep on the go (sarcasm).

Dad always nodding off? Always waking up finding himself on a stranger’s shoulder or face down on the floor? Well, this Upright Sleeper is totally not the awkward way to sleep on the go (sarcasm).

60. Wearable Sleeping Bag

Want your dad to lay down whenever possible?  Well, this will make him sleep like a baby, no matter where he is. Of course, it'll also make him look utterly ridiculous in public. Yeah, you might have some explaining to do.

Want your dad to lay down whenever possible? Well, this will make him sleep like a baby, no matter where he is. Of course, it’ll also make him look utterly ridiculous in public. Yeah, you might have some explaining to do.

Bad Movie Sisters

Now while compiling a post on terrible movie brothers was easy, I couldn’t say the same about the sisters since women don’t have as much screen presence in movies as men do. So if some of these sisters seem to be less terrible than the brothers, it’s mainly because finding bad movie sisters were fairly hard to find. Nevertheless, movie sisters have also had a prominent presence in movies from Little Women to Frozen. But while some sisters tend to be best friends, others could be at each other’s throats. But while some may have to deal with annoying sisters at some point of their lives (like myself), this post will make anyone feel better about their female siblings since these girls can range from backstabbers, homicidal maniacs, outright nuts, or a bit of all three. Some of them can be even downright selfish and irresponsible in their sisterly ways. So if you’re the kid with the worst sister ever, let’s just say this post will make you feel better because it’s very likely that your sister is certainly not as bad as these ladies. Half-sisters, stepsisters, and adopted sisters are included as well. Aunts count, too, if sibling ties can be established since being a bad aunt is almost synonymous with being a bad sister, even if they direct their vileness toward their sibling’s kids which is every parent’s worst nightmare. So without further adieu, here are the bad sisters that will put your annoying and mean sisters to shame.

1. Blanche and Baby Jane Hudson

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From: What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

The Problem: Sometimes sibling rivalries never die. Still, whatever ups and downs me and my sister I have, I’m grateful that our relationship isn’t like this. Of course, it’s very obvious that Baby Jane is the sister from hell since she’s a mentally disturbed alcoholic who has despised the now paralyzed Blanche since their showbiz days and absolutely loathes taking care of her. She’s also never gotten over her days as a child star despite being well into middle age and not aging gracefully. Then again, we’re not sure that she’s aware everyone has entirely forgotten about her contrary to her older sister Blanche. But when she learns that Blanche intends to sell the house and send her to a sanitarium, things really go downhill. Whether it’s serving Blanche her pet parakeet or a rat for din-din, it’s easy to sympathize with her older sister, especially as Jane gets more physically and emotionally abusive toward her as the film progresses. She also forges Blanche’s signature on checks, cuts her from any possible communication, beats her unconscious, ties her to a bed, and kills the suspicious cleaning lady. However, Blanche isn’t completely innocent either since she had been endlessly bitter of how Jane was treated as a child and how Jane had to make a movie every time her older sister was in one (with every flop damaging Blanche’s career). When Blanche had enough, she tried run over Jane but ended up crippling herself in a way to make her little sister look responsible. And to make things worse, Jane was too drunk to remember that night so Blanche basically forces her to live in guilt and wait on her hand and foot for the next 30 years. So between these two sisters, I’m not sure which one is worse.

2. Petunia Dursley

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From: The Harry Potter series

The Problem: Now Petunia is more of an aunt than a sister in the series. But her bad feelings for her sister Lily are basically the reason why she treats her nephew Harry Potter so badly. Sure Petunia probably didn’t have it easy growing up with a Muggle born witch said to be prettier and smarter than she was. And it doesn’t help that she spoils her own son rotten and basically lets Dudley bully Harry for years while her nephew slept in a cupboard under the stairs and endured tons of abuse. She is particularly a bitch in the fact she lied to Harry about his parents dying in a car crash. Oh, and because of Lily, she doesn’t take to kindly to Harry having any magical powers. Not to mention, you have her husband Vernon who’s basically a social climbing, materialistic villain in the true Roald Dahlesque style. Still, just because you and your sister didn’t get along is no excuse to abuse her kid, magical or not. Of course, if you didn’t read the book, in Book 5 Harry fights off a group of Dementors who tried to take Dudley’s soul only to be unmerciously subjected to an expulsion hearing. Nevertheless, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley were thinking about kicking Harry out of the house until Dumbledore sends Petunia a howler. Yes, it got to that.

3. Carmen Sternwood

big-sleep-3-copy

From: The Big Sleep

The Problem: If this movie was a romantic comedy, then Carmen would be nothing more than mere embarrassment for her older sister Vivian Rutledge who’s basically protecting her from her own mistakes. Of course, from the very beginning, it’s that something’s really not right with her. When we first see her, she already owes gambling debts to a bookseller named Geiger as well as poses for his naked photo shoots (for his illegal porn operation) and possibly other things (since she’s found drugged at his home). When Geiger is found dead, Vivian shows up at Philip Marlowe’s office with these photos she received as well as a blackmail demand for the negatives. But Carmen demands the photos. Nevertheless, as Marlowe and Vivian develop a relationship, Carmen tries to get Marlowe to sleep with her but he throws her out. Still, it’s later revealed that Vivian was blackmailed because she suspected Carmen to have killed a friend of their dad’s who disappeared a month ago named Sean Regan. And it’s vaguely implied that this might be true since she’s kind of an unstable nympho to begin with. No wonder Vivian thinks her sister might need psychiatric help. Of course, in the original Raymond Chandler book, she’s even worse.

4. Briony Tallis

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From: Atonement

The Problem: Now Briony is perhaps an immature and nosy teenage girl but what she does really causes a lot of problems for her sister Cecilia especially when it comes to her relationship with servant’s son Robbie Turner. Now Briony has a crush on Robbie who has her send a sexually explicit letter to his sister, which makes her disgusted and jealous. But she also suspects that Robbie is sexually harassing Cecilia even though he’s really not. So when her cousin Lola is nearly raped (by a stranger), Briony uses the occasion as revenge by framing her sister’s boyfriend of the crime as well as shows his dirty letter. This results in Robbie being arrested and sent to prison until WWII on the condition he join the army. Cecilia never forgives her for this. On discovering Robbie’s innocence, Briony is so guilty of this that she wrote the story about them which gives her sister and Robbie a happy ending, even though they never really saw each other after Robbie left for war and they both died in 1940. Yeah, so because of Briony, Cecilia never had any chance for happiness (or so she thinks).

5. Kathryrn Merteuil

Sarah-Michelle-Gellar-1

From: Cruel Intentions

The Problem: Now Kathryn seems like a popular, well-adjusted young woman, devout Christian, and Student Body President at Manchester Prep. However, she’s more or less a bulimic, a drug addict, alcoholic, oversexed, and a manipulative mastermind who prides herself on destroying other people’s lives as well as controlling them to suit her own ends. For instance, she persuades a lot of her female classmates to sleep around so she could ruin their reputations. In short, she’s a cold hearted sociopathic troublemaker. Yet, only stepbrother Sebastian Valmont realizes this even though they both share a twisted attraction to each other. The whole plot revolves around Kathryn making a bet that she’d sleep with him only if he could nail the headmaster’s daughter. And if he doesn’t she’d get his vintage car. But he ends up falling in love with her instead. Jealous, Kathryn taunts him and threatens to ruin his girlfriend’s reputation so he breaks up with her. Kathryn then reveals she knew he loved her all along compelling Sebastian to say that he wants nothing to do with her. When he leaves, she tells another guy that he hit her and slept with another classmate, which results in a fight (which she intends that Sebastian won’t survive). Annette tries to stop it and is thrown in the middle of traffic but Sebastian pushes her away and is fatally hit by a cab. Luckily Sebastian has kept a journal about this and Kathryn gets her comeuppance (well, sort of).

6. Goneril and Regan

From: King Lear

The Problem: These two girls are basically the closest thing to the Celtic equivalent of Veda Pierce. Seriously, Goneril and Regan make Cinderella’s ugly stepsisters seem like the Crawley girls in comparison. Now the play kicks off when their regal daddy King Lear announces his intention to retire from power. Since he has no sons, Lear decides to divide his realm among his 3 daughters who will receive a share as long as they express their love for him. Seizing their chance for some of their daddy’s royal real estate, they successfully flatter him with their sentimental bullshit. Younger sister, Cordelia, on the other hand, basically tells her dad that the whole thing is bullshit and refuses to partake (well, she doesn’t say it that way but it’s exactly what she thinks). This results in her being banished to France where she marries the king. But having daddy’s real estate isn’t enough for Goneril and Regan. They’re both obsessed with power that they want to overthrow their old man, too. But it’s the only thing that unites them. When Lear resolves to divvy his time between his 2 oldest daughters and their husbands, both say that their declarations of love were fake, see their dad as a foolish old man, and refuse to grant him residence. Once Cordelia’s new husband makes landfall in Britain to help Lear (with an army), Goneril and Regan engage in a war resulting in the death and capture of Regan’s husband, their crazy old dad, their little sister Cordelia, and themselves once Edmund starts sleeping with them. I mean if Goneril didn’t poison Regan first, Regan would’ve done the same.

7. Bianca Minola

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From: The Taming of the Shrew

The Problem: So you’re headstrong Katarina and your sister Bianca wants to get married to a guy she has just met. However, in order for that to happen your dad has to marry you off first, which is going to be challenging. Not to worry, your sister’s boyfriend has a guy picked out for you named Petruchio who’s willing to marry you for a bet and your large dowry. Of course, you don’t want to get married but since Bianca is a little manipulator who’s got your dad twisted around her little finger and the fact you’re such a brat wanting attention that he’ll marry you off to just about any guy willing to take you, you don’t have much choice. Unfortunately, Petruchio has set up your first days together as a merry go round of neglect and emotional torture that will break your spirits into the ideal wife. Prepare to spend your days being denied food until you agree to everything Petruchio says. Still, you know that her being obedient and sweet temperance is just an act so she could get what she wants, even if it’s at your expense, so welcome to hell, Katarina.

8. Delia Lovell Ralston

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From: The Old Maid

The Problem: Well, Delia is actually Charlotte’s cousin but you wouldn’t really know that since they seem to be sisters in all but in the biological sense. But Charlotte has had to live in Delia’s shadow all her life. Nevertheless, during the course of the movie Charlotte gets knocked up by Delia’s ex on the rebound (who’s conveniently killed off-screen) and has a daughter named Tina she loves very much. In fact, she gives up the chance of marrying a guy than give her up for adoption. And when Delia’s husband dies, she lets Charlotte and Tina move in. Still, unaware that Charlotte’s her real mom, Tina refers to Delia as her mom and Charlotte as her aunt, much to Charlotte’s dismay. This goes on for years and Delia does nothing to correct this and as a result, Tina tends to resent Charlotte who feels that she has to play the role of a stern spinster aunt. And when Tina is engaged, Delia formally adopts her to give her a more reputable name. Nevertheless, while Delia makes up for it in the end, it’s still pretty disconcerting that she stole Charlotte’s kid and basically robbed her cousin from forming a close mother-daughter relationship with her.

9. Esther Coleman

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From: Orphan

The Problem: Seems like the Colemans should’ve checked with the orphanage before deciding on 9-year-old Esther. Or at least have gotten a puppy. Sure she may seem so polite and creative as well as perhaps the sensitivity and charm that can thaw frozen hearts. However, she’s actually a manipulative sociopath with no morals that her casually dropping f-bombs in everyday conversation is the least worrying thing about her. Well, that along with cutting the flowers that her adoptive parents have scattered over the remains of their stillborn child and presenting them to adoptive father John in a bouquet. Not to mention, reading excerpts of her adoptive mother Kate’s diary regarding her miscarriage out loud. Nevertheless, she’s basically a sister and daughter from hell that would make Veda Pierce look like a Girl Scout. She threatens to castrate older brother Danny and burns his treehouse with him in it. Luckily he survives. She also pulls the emergency break on her deaf little sister Max and let it slide down the hill. As for the parents, she breaks her own arm in a vise and blames Kate for it as well as tries to murder the entire family so she can have John to herself. But she kills him when he refuses her advances. Oh, and did I tell you that she’s really not what she seems?

10. Regina Hubbard Giddens

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From: The Little Foxes

The Problem: To be fair, Regina does live in the early 20th century South where inheritance was reserved for sons, institutionalized gold digging was a thing, and her brothers are just as greedy and morally bankrupt as she is. Besides, she hates having to depend on a husband she doesn’t love. So when Oscar and Benjamin want to build a cotton mill, they’re willing to either settle for $75,000 from her husband Horace and possibly a marriage between Oscar’s son Leo and her daughter Alexandra, which neither Alexander nor Horace approve. However, Horace isn’t interested in the project which leads to Ben and Oscar stealing his railroad bonds via Leo. But while Horace is willing to forgive his relatives and change his will, Regina sees this situation as a way for screwing them over. So she waits for Horace to die of a heart attack after she riles him so nobody would contradict her. She then accuses her brothers of the theft as well as blackmails them into giving her 75% ownership of their new business venture. The brothers are left with no choice but to give in. Sure the Hubbard brothers weren’t nice people and got everything they deserved. But her daughter Alexandra is absolutely horrified by what she done so she runs off with a newspaperman leaving Regina independently wealthy but alone. Still, even though you might root for Regina for being a magnificent bitch she is, you have to wonder if she’s perhaps as despicable as her brothers or possibly worse.

11. Sarah Williams

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From: Labyrinth

The Problem: To be fair, Sarah’s had a rough adolescence and it’s understandable that she hides from life with fantasy tales to the point of dressing up in long flowing dresses and acting bits of script in a park. Of course, she’s a teenage girl who’s unhappy with her mom leaving the family, her dad’s remarriage as well as the resulting baby half-brother Toby. Her father doesn’t seem to give two shits about her and her stepmother seems to expect her to be a live-in babysitter. So it’s no wonder she wishes the Goblin King Jareth take little Toby away from her. However, she’s just venting her frustrations and really doesn’t want Jareth to do this. But little does she know that a sparkly leather clad pants David Bowie swoops by and takes him off her hands anyway (as well as becomes a source of 1980s fantasy fetish fuel). Now feeling guilty of not being careful what she wishes for, Sarah now has 13 hours to retrieve him from the labyrinth citadel. The plot kicks in from there, and boy, does she learn her lesson the hard way.

12. Elisabeth

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From: Les Enfants Terribles

The Problem: Elisabeth loves her little teenage brother Paul and is very protective of him. When he’s hit by a snowball with a rock inside by his crush Dargelos, Elisabeth cares for him. At this point it’s revealed that their inseparable relationship is characterized known as “The Game” in which is an intense series of mind games with the people who dare enter their socially isolated lair. However, it’s only years later do we find out that Elisabeth’s relationship with Paul might be more one-sided than he thinks and perhaps very unhealthy, especially when she takes in a girl named Agathe. Since Agathe resembles Dargelos, Paul falls for her but a jealous Elisabeth can’t stand to see him happy without her so she intercepts Paul’s love letter and sets Agathe up with another man named Gerard. This results in him becoming an opium addict and drugging himself to death, but not until Elisabeth shoots herself to beat him in their so-called “Game.” Still, Elisabeth’s relationship with Paul is toxic to the touch attempts to poison everyone around them. But it’s Elisabeth who’s mainly the one wearing the pants and while they may seem like they’re arguing and harassing each other for no reason, she’d still do anything to keep Paul to herself, which destroys him. And as they play their mind games, nobody is safe.

13. Bellatrix Lestrange

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From: The Harry Potter Series

The Problem: Sure she’s a Death Eater, but even if you’re Narcissa Malfoy, you’d really wouldn’t want to be related to her since she’s so fanatically devoted to Voldemort that she’d kill off relatives and betray family members in a heartbeat. In fact she’d make it her duty to kill any relatives who are members of the Order of the Phoenix, including her disowned sister Andromeda Tonks, Muggle born brother-in-law Ted, as well as her niece (and later Remus Lupin who marries her) and her cousin Sirius Black. Also, she’s paranoid and violently insane that it’s scary as well as one of the most sadistic and dangerous Death Eaters around. Tortue, violence, and destruction seem less like means to an end and more like hobbies to her. On her first appearance it’s known that she tortured Neville Longbottom’s parents to insanity that they were locked up at St. Mungo’s. In Book 5, she kills her own cousin Sirius Black by blasting him through a veil in the Death Chamber. Now her vileness as a sister really comes to light in Book 6 in which it’s clear that Voldemort has chosen Draco to assassinate Dumbledore or die in the process and perhaps have his parents lose their lives as well. As any mother with a son charged with a suicide mission, Narcissa is uneasy about the whole thing. Bellatrix, on the other hand, is pretty unsympathetic to her sister’s fears over her son’s life and states that if she had kids, she’d certainly give them to the Dark Lord. Obviously, she’s trapped in a loveless marriage and doesn’t know what it’s like to have kids. But I can’t imagine what kind of mother she could be. What’s worse is that while Draco may hate Mudbloods as much as the next Slytherin and is a real asshole, he’s incapable killing anybody, even when his and his parents’ lives are at stake. And as the Death Eater charged with assassinating a key figure, he’s doomed to fail. If it weren’t for Snape making a deals with Dumbledore and Narcissa before the devastating climax at the Astronomy Tower, then Draco would’ve ended up like Regulus Black. Even if Draco is her nephew, Bellatrix would’ve been perfectly cool with it. Nevertheless, Narcissa is confident that Bellatrix won’t hurt her because they’re siblings (and that they’re both loyal to the Voldemort but Narcissa’s allegiance is basically out of fear). However, note that she also killed her niece Nymphadora Tonks and sees no problem with Draco’s being on a suicide mission, so I wouldn’t have too much confidence in her if I was Draco’s mom.  And if Narcissa strays from the family tradition, well, God help her. Oh, by the way, she tortures Hermione and kills Dobby in Book 7. Nevertheless, trying to kill Ginny after offing her brother was a big mistake. Prepare for Molly Weasley’s “Not my daughter, you bitch!”

14. Edith Philips and Margaret DeLorca

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From: Dead Ringer

The Problem: Now twin sisters Edith and Margaret had a falling out for 18 years after the latter stole the former’s boyfriend and married him over a pregnancy. Nevertheless, Margaret managed to enjoy 18 years of marriage and a life of relative wealth and ease. However, it later turns out that Margaret was cheating on her husband Frank and killed him with arsenic poison. She’s also an insufferable bitch that even her Great Dane basically despises her. Edith, on the other hand, owns a struggling cocktail lounge and is threatened with eviction for not paying her bills. Now it seems that these two sister are about to reconcile after nearly 2 decades since Edith is really intent on riding Margaret’s coattails. But when Edith learns that Margaret was never pregnant, all bets are off. Instead, Edith lures Margaret into her cocktail lounge and kills her since she feels entitled to what her sister has. She then proceeds to make Margaret’s death look like her own suicide and takes her sister’s place at her mansion. But it all soon catches up to her by the end. Sure this may be a film in which Bette Davis may play both good and evil twins, but neither are exactly prizes since they’re both selfish middle aged women. Sure there’s no denying that Margaret really screwed her sister over, but Edith should’ve gotten over it by now.

15. Norah Lorowski

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From: Sunshine Cleaning

The Problem: Now Norah isn’t a bad girl. It’s just that she’s not the most trustworthy sister around and can be quite careless. When she’s fired from her waitress job, she and older sister Rose decide to form a crime scene cleaning business called Sunshine Cleaning. Now when an insurance company calls for the services of Sunshine Cleaning which would grant the sisters a potential to obtain a breakthrough reputation. Unfortunately, Rose has a baby shower that day so she has Norah clean the house alone until she could catch up. This leads to Norah accidentally burning the house with an unattendded candle which results in their business reputation being tarnished and being forced to pay $40,000, which they can’t afford. Thus, Sunshine Cleaning is shut down and Rose has to go back working as a maid to support her son. At least their dad gave up the house so Rose can start cleaning crime scenes again after Norah nearly ruined that chance. Nevertheless, Norah is pretty careless and irresponsible.

16. Jeanette “Jasmine” Francis

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From: Blue Jasmine

The Problem: Jasmine might be losing her mind because her rich background hampers her ability to function in middle class society that she has to live with her sister Ginger in San Francisco. However, even this doesn’t prevent her from being self-involved, narcissistic, and having almost no consideration for anyone else’s feelings. Not to mention, she sometimes tends to live well beyond her means such as traveling first class despite being broke. However, Ginger must be a saint since she’s willing to take in Jasmine who has nowhere else to go, even though she has every reason not to. And it’s not just because her presence keeps Chili from moving in with Ginger. This is because back when Jasmine was a rich trophy wife, she basically treated Ginger like shit and nearly ruined her life. For one, when Ginger and then husband Augie visit her in New York after winning the lottery, Jasmine provides them with a car and driver as well as pays their hotel bills so she could avoid them as much as possible. Yet, when Augie states that he plans to set up a construction business with his winnings, Jasmine offers her Wall Street husband Hal’s help in investing the money instead. Now Hal is a major fraudster and a guy you’d least want to trust with your money since he’s lost a lot of cash from a lot of investors. Augie and Ginger are no different since they would’ve been much better off if Augie just set up his construction business. And it’s also clear that this financial fiasco ruined Ginger’s marriage since Augie basically blames Jasmine for ruining his life. But Ginger defends her. Nevertheless, Jasmine’s actions basically have a negative impact on everyone in the film which does catch up to her near the end. Sure she might’ve turned Hal to the authorities for fraud during an emotional breakdown, but her husband deserved everything he got. Ginger didn’t.

17. Queen Elsa of Arendelle

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From: Frozen

The Problem: Yeah, I know it might come as a shock to some Frozen fans that Elsa might be on this list. However, we know that Elsa is very much a product of her upbringing due to having magical ice powers that lead to Anna’s injury when they were kids. But this doesn’t stop little sister Anna from idolizing her. Now Elsa and Anna were very close as young girls. But after a mishap, their parents basically shut Elsa off from the outside world so she can control her powers. This fails but it doesn’t stop Anna from desperately wanting attention which Elsa understandably denies but doesn’t tell her. And it’s even worse that Anna’s memories of Elsa’s powers were removed after the accident (even though they probably shouldn’t have been). This leads Anna to becoming engaged to Prince Hans a mere 12 hours and a musical number after she meets him on the day of her sister’s coronation at Arendelle. And if things weren’t worse enough between them, Elsa goes ballistic during an argument pertaining to her engagement to Hans. Sure Elsa’s right but she was never learned how to control her powers in a healthy way and can be seen as somewhat psychologically unstable with anxiety and depression. Thus, eternal winter ensues without her realizing it and she runs away to build her own ice castle and giving herself a makeover. But Elsa’s also running away from her responsibilities as queen paving the way for the Duke of Weselton and Prince Hans to exploit the situation. Foolishly believing the bringing her back can reverse the eternal winter, Anna naturally goes after her. But when Anna reaches Elsa’s ice castle, not only does she reject Elsa, but she also strikes her in the heart and chases her along with Olaf, Kristof, and Sven with a giant snow monster named Marshmallow. The frozen heart bit results in Anna nearly freezing to death. Of course, we all know that things work out in the end, but not without Anna taking a lot of crap from her as well as both being very screwed up. Not to mention, we should take account with the property damage Elsa caused even though Arendelle’s main export is ice.

18. Anne Boleyn

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From: The Other Boleyn Girl

The Problem: Out of all Henry VIII’s 6 wives, adaptations haven’t been very fair to his second Queen Anne Boleyn. But Philippa Gregory basically takes historical liberties with her to the extreme. Sure she was ambitious and did pressure Henry to get rid of his first wife, even if it meant severing ties to Rome. But before she caught his eye, it was her sweet sister Mary who got knocked up with Henry’s son as Anne was making the moves on him (in real life, Mary was a bonafide slut whose affair with the king was over years before he took up with Anne. Also, Mary’s son Henry was very likely not his. Oh, and Anne wasn’t married to Henry Percy ever). Sure Henry liked Anne first but he becomes acquainted with Mary after she helps him over an injury. And as soon as Henry and Mary are together, Anne has to scheme to seduce the king right under her nose. And when Henry announces his attentions to marry her, Anne basically forces Mary to give up her son to be raised at court all for political favor.  She also orders him never to talk to Mary again (none of this happened). Not to mention, she’s quite vicious to Mary as well on frequent occasions. And when she’s had a miscarriage, she has sex with her brother George to conceive a child (didn’t happen), which results in both of them getting executed (along with several other men but the charges were trumped up). Gregory’s Anne Boleyn is a vain, cruel, vindictive, and ruthless schemer who manipulates others as well as uses sex to get what she wants. And she got what she deserved. Seems like Philippa Gregory has it really in for Anne Boleyn.

19. Aunt Helen

From: The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Problem: Charlie Kelmeckis has been in and out of mental institutions and is one messed up kid since his best friend’s suicide. Or that’s what we’re told at first. Sure his best friend’s suicide might be emotionally traumatic enough to deal with. But it might just be the tip of the iceberg since he tends to go back on his favorite Aunt Helen who’s certainly a blood relation (I mean she’s single and living with Charlie’s family. Still, I think she was his mom’s sister but I’m not sure) who was killed in a car accident when he was 7 years old. Helen is a messed up woman who was molested as a child and abused by many men during her life. She also has a lot of psychological issues. At first, you think she’s such a sweet, troubled, but kooky aunt. However, it’s not until he has a nervous breakdown do we find out the sinister truth that Helen was sexually abusing him. And that Charlie blames himself for Helen’s death and might’ve wished it. Charlie’s parents must be up a wall by this point after they found out. I mean they took Helen into their home when she was down on her luck only to take advantage of their kid behind their backs in the worst way possible. No wonder Charlie is so screwed up.

20. Jacqueline “Jackie-O” Pascal

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From: The House of Yes

The Problem: Now when Marty comes home from school with his fiancée, he seems nervously hesitant to introduce her to his folks. However, it’s his twin sister Jackie who he needs to worry about and the fact she dresses like Jackie O is the least of his worries (as well as the hurricane going on outside). In fact, she’s spoiled, stuck-up, and violently insane. In the beginning, he’s just been released from the funny farm since she shot Marty before when he left home. But informed that Marty is bringing a “friend,” she shows signs of borderline personality disorder such as sudden mood swings and an inability to cope with change. The family isn’t exactly happy with Marty’s fiancée Lesly by her association with him for this very reason. Jackie ensues to interrogate Lesly about her love life with Marty, asking graphic details of their sexual escapades. She then reminds her that Marty had an intense affair with a girl some years back and that she might return. It then becomes clear that Jackie is talking about herself as she then coerces Marty into playing their favorite, “game,” a sexual reenactment of the JFK assassination, which Lesly walks in on. But Marty really wants a normal life yet she won’t let him. The next morning, Jackie searches for a gun that Marty had been ordered to hide by his mom and flushes his car keys down the toilet. Oh, and when Marty refuses to play their “game” but he goes a long before she shoots him dead. Now that is one twisted sister, my friend.

21. Kym Buchman

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From: Rachel Getting Married

The Problem: Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions and shouldn’t be opportunities for needless drama. Unfortunately for Rachel Buchman, her sister Kym has been released from rehab for a few days just in time to attend her big day. Yeah, that sister who killed her younger brother Ethan by driving off a bridge and into a ravine while high whom she has never forgiven. Sure Kym resents that Rachel hasn’t chose her for maid of honor as well as all the other attention she’s receiving that she throws a tantrum. She also lies about how she was molested by her uncle and having to care for an anorexic sister which compels Rachel to storm out of the hair salon. Not to mention, she gets into a fist fight with her mom as well as steals her dad’s car which she crashes into a rock. With a sister like that, you have to wonder why Rachel and her fiancé just spare the dysfunctional family drama and just make plans to elope.

22. Louise

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From: Sister

The Problem: Simon and Louise live in a housing complex below a luxury ski resort in the Alps where they support themselves by stealing equipment and selling them at a discounted price. However, most of the money goes to Louise so she can go on dates. She is selfish and irresponsible, unable to hold a job and going off with men, leaving Simon home alone. She eventually abandons him for a boyfriend for a considerable amount of time. This actually does a significant amount of good for Simon since he’s able to socialize with the resort’s tourists and employees. But when his sister returns, it’s utter dysfunction and that she asks him for money to sleep next to her, which is kind of unsettling and creepy. Oh, and she may not really be his sister.

23. Valerie Craig

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From: Three Bad Sisters

The Problem: When it comes to a parent’s inheritance, most people usually don’t consider it a big deal save maybe the rich. However, in the world of fiction, people are willing to kill each other over it. Now this movie could easily have been called, “One Bad Sister, One Crazy Sister, and One Slutty Sister,” but audiences in 1956 wouldn’t buy it. So Marshall Craig dies by crashing his own plain and leaving pilot Jim Norton out of a job. Eyeing the family fortune for herself and not batting a tear of the news on the radio, Valerie recruits Norton to either seduce her sister Lorna (who’s the executor of the estate) or drive her to suicide (which runs in the family) as well as take off with her. If not, then she’ll frame him for her dad’s murder. They also concoct a story that Norton saved Mr. Craig from drowning and was rewarded with a partnership in a land development project Craig was working on at the time, so he can enter into the family’s inner circle. However, slutty sister Vicki wants Norton for herself. But Valerie disposes her easily enough by taunting and beating her with a horsewhip that Vicki drives off a mountain road to her death. Yet, as Norton falls in love with Lorna, Valerie devises a few tricks up her sleeve to get rid of her, too such as trying to trample her with a horse. Oh, and she tries to steal Jim and break Lorna’s heart. Luckily, she dies.

24. Margaret Turner

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From: The Bachelor and the Bobby Soxer

The Problem: Now this movie is intended as a romantic comedy, but since Margaret’s a judge and an adult, she should really know better. Now it’s one thing for her 17-year-old sister Susan to have a crush playboy artist Richard Nugent to the point that she sneaks into his apartment, which amounts to a very awkward situation that would put him on a sex offender list. Now to be fair, Margaret, her ADA boyfriend Tommy Chamberlain, and her psychiatrist uncle make a deal with Richard that he’ll be cleared of all charges, including assaulting Tommy if he agrees to date Susan until the infatuation runs its course. Sure the movie was made in the 1940s and Richard fortunately has absolutely no interest in any girl under 18. Even so, this is a very terrible idea, if not then downright illegal and unethical. But Margaret really has no excuse here since she’s not just Susan’s sister, she’s also a judge and her legal guardian. For all she knows, Richard could be a pedophile who might see being forced to date Susan as a perfect opportunity to molest her. Margaret should’ve considered this, even if Richard is innocent since she’s tried people over felonies. It would’ve been better for Margaret to send Richard away with a temporary restraining order, but I suppose that she thinks he’s hot and wants him to stick around. That, and possibly a reason to get rid of Tommy, since she’s been under a lot of pressure to get married.

25. Patricia Bosworth Emerson

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From: A Stolen Life

The Problem: Being your sister’s doppelganger is a great advantage for evil twins. And Pat is now exception. Now as nice sister Kate builds a relationship with Bill Emerson, flamboyant and manhunting manipulator Pat pursues him out of town. First, she does this pretending to be Kate and later on they get married, mostly because Pat seems to get some pleasure in shattering Kate’s dreams. We know this because Pat probably doesn’t care for Bill and carries on like she always did after they’re married which is why their marriage is in trouble when Kate gets back. It’s very clear that Pat is a psychopath, not the murdering one, but the kind that would make her a successful stockbroker on Wall Street in more progressive times. So not only does Kate have to deal with her one true love being her brother-in-law but how Pat’s making him suffer. Luckily Pat gets killed in a boating accident, but it doesn’t make Kate’s emotional state any easier, especially when she poses as her sister. Yeah, I know this film is soapy, but as far as identical twins go, Pat is basically your worst nightmare in a realistic sense.

26. Queen Cleopatra VII

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From: Cleopatra and other films

The Problem: Dynastic squabbles between power hungry royal relatives are the stuff of tales as old a time. I mean in Ancient Egypt from the Old Kingdom Pharaohs to the Hellenized Macedonian Ptolemies, killing and marrying siblings was something of a family tradition and not just limited to men (seriously, they were that messed up). And Cleopatra is not much different. I mean her dad had her two older sisters killed when they tried to seize the throne from him. Of course, she married her two of her half-brothers and belonged to a family more inbred than a West Virginia family reunion. The fact these were arranged marriages makes her being an adulteress with a preference for older men seem normal. But these incestuous marriages didn’t stop her from fighting wars or killing them. Oh, and did I tell you that her brothers were teenagers? And that she slaughtered her way to the top at just 21? When Ptolemy XIII made the mistake of killing Pompey and presenting his severed head to Julius Caesar, Cleopatra takes up with Caesar, has his baby, temporarily reconciled with her husband/half-brother, and had Ptolemy drown in his armor in the Nile River. She was promptly married to her other younger half-brother Ptolemy XIV but he was killed at 14 and the marriage was likely never consummated. You can guess what happened to hm. Oh, and her little sister Arsinoe was taken to Rome and executed as well  Still, while she was seen as a decent Egyptian ruler who unsuccessfully tried to keep her kingdom from being a Roman province, you certainly wouldn’t want her as your sister.

27. Ginger Fitzgerald

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From: Ginger Snaps

The Problem: Now this movie uses lycanthropy as a metaphor for puberty, but let’s just say you don’t want a werewolf for a sister. Now Ginger and her little sister Bridgette are 2 teenage girls with a fascination for death. But when they’re trying to kidnap a bully’s dog, Ginger is bitten by a strange creature in the woods. After that, Ginger starts becoming more aggressive, starts sprouting hair and a tail, and does other things that greatly concern Bridgette such as engaging in unprotected sex and killing a neighbor’s dog. Once Bridgette realizes what’s happening to her older sister, she tries to find a cure because she loves Ginger more than anything. Of course, Ginger is very protective of her to the point of killing people that look at her funny. She also kills 3 people including a guidance counselor, a janitor, and a fellow student. It’s even more disturbing how Ginger asks Bridgette to let her bite her so they can become their own pack. But as the film goes on, Ginger becomes more and more dangerous that it comes to the point that Bridgette has to kill her in self-defense.

28. Lydia Bennett

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From: Pride and Prejudice

The Problem: To be fair, Lydia probably wouldn’t be on this list if Jane Austen’s best known story took place in the 21st century where she’d be seen as nothing more than a mere embarrassment and George Wickham could be hauled away on statutory rape charges. Unfortunately, this story takes place during the Regency where child sex offender laws didn’t exist. Now Lydia is everything you’d expect in a bratty teenage girl. She’s selfish, completely self-involved, boy crazy, materialistic, and cares absolutely nothing about the people she hurt, the trouble she caused her family, and the consequences of her stupid actions. In fact, she won’t even acknowledge that her actions were stupid or had any damaging effects. And it doesn’t help that Mrs. Bennett is more indulgent on her than her sisters. But by Regency standards, she’s the sister and daughter from hell, especially since she likes to flirt with redcoats. This leads her to elope with George Wickham who has no intention of marrying her because of her family’s lack of wealth and is a possible sociopath. This almost results in her complete disgrace but luckily second sister Lizzie snagged Mr. Darcy who basically blackmails Wickham into marrying her. But even so, the youngest Bennett sister never seems to learn and is basically stuck with a man who’d put her through a lot of shit as well as the family.

29. Isabella Linton Heathcliff

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From: Wuthering Heights

The Problem: Now Isabella Linton isn’t a bad girl. She’s just teenage girl who’s too boy crazy over a guy she really needs to avoid. Seriously, when Heathcliff returns after a mysterious 3 year absence, Isabella is head over heels with this guy. Now we all know by this point is that Heathcliff isn’t in love with her, is deeply in love with Catherine Earnshaw and always will be, really didn’t take Cathy’s rejection for Edgar Linton very well at all, and is actively seeking vengeance. Isabella’s infatuation with Heathcliff is basically the worst possible thing to ever happen to Edgar Linton. I mean her crush on him makes Heathcliff’s goals of vengeance against the Lintons a whole lot easier. So it’s no surprise that Linton tells his sister that if she marries Heathcliff, he will cut ties with her, which he does. But even this doesn’t stop Heathcliff for trying to get back at him out of pure spite. Of course, there’s no hint he does this in the movie, but those who read the book or any summary certainly would find that Heathcliff’s wrath doesn’t just stop with his enemies. And it doesn’t help at all that he’s abusive to Isabella either.

30. Rose Michaels

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From: So I Married an Axe Murderer

The Problem: Now Charlie McKenzie is crazy about Harriet and Harriet is crazy about him. So they get married. However, problem is that Harriet has been married before a few times but all those marriages ended in death during their honeymoon that she’s now suspected as an infamous black widow “Mrs. X” which obviously causes a lot of concern. When he confronts Harriet of this, she just assumes that they just up and left her and feels like she’s developed a complex. Now Rose might seem like a sweet girl and a little shy. But during Charlie and Harriet’s honeymoon, Rose suddenly swipes at Charlie with an axe revealing herself to be the killer claiming that each husband took her sister away from her. Of course, it’s fair to say that Rose is an insane serial killer. Surely a sister’s wedding shouldn’t be described as an abduction. And her activities could’ve landed Harriet in prison if it weren’t for Charlie.

Bad Movie Brothers

Now while there are plenty of only children in movies, there are a lot of memorable siblings. Sometimes they can be your best friends as well as hardly there at all. Some even could be backstabbing sons of bitches if you get my drift. Now it’s said that siblings share a lot together such as genetics, childhood, home, and what not. They’re also more likely to be a person’s longest and closest biological connection as well as be among the first choices for a new kidney, if need be. Still, since a lot of movies tend to pertain to men, it’s no wonder that there are so many of memorable ones on film from parental surrogates to annoying little shits. However, this post basically pertains to brothers that aren’t so nice who you’d wish their siblings just have a clue and kick them to the curb. Some of these guys are selfish protectors while others are chronic backstabbers who’d hang their families out to dry in a heartbeat. Some are just goddamn crazy and perhaps homicidal maniacs. Others are a little of both. But for the kid who feels like they have the worst brother ever, let’s just say this list will make you feel much better after seeing what some people in the movies have to deal with. Half-brothers, stepbrothers, and adopted brothers are included as well. Uncles will also count as well if sibling ties can be established, since being a bad uncle is also synonymous with being a bad brother even if they direct their vileness toward their siblings’ kids that’s every parent’s nightmare. So without further adieu, here is a list of some of the terrible brothers in movies that put your mean and annoying brothers to shame.

1. Stephen Bloom

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From: The Brothers Bloom
The Problem: Those who’ve seen Foxcatcher will remember Mark Ruffalo as Channing Tatum’s caring older brother. But as Stephen Bloom, his relationship with Adrien Brody in this film is very complicated, since they’re con artists with their relationship being a fine line between brotherly love and the elder exploiting the younger as a prop for his own selfish ends. Sure Stephen may love his little brother Bloom more than anyone else in his life. It’s clear their relationship isn’t a typical one between brothers since they were the only people in each other’s lives due to being orphaned at a young age and spending a significant part of their childhood bouncing between foster homes. So as it’s only natural that Stephen and Bloom’s relationship may contain aspects one would associate between a parent and child (despite a 3 year age difference). And yes, Stephen might have originally invented the cons as a way to get Bloom to interact with the world while they were kids. But even then, you can also argue Stephen invented their con game because he was jealous of how the other kids seem to have it better than they did (hence the line “playground bourgeoisies”). But you can’t really blame him since their lives were relatively miserable in foster care. However, fast forward 25 years later and there’s no denying that Stephen plans all his cons for himself just because he wants to write a good story and make it real as well as rip off a bunch of rich folks who won’t miss their money anyway. Bloom usually assists his big brother doing whatever he says mostly because he loves his brother and is simply too passive and nice for his own good. But Stephen’s con games have taken a heavy toll on Bloom who never gets to grow into his own person (hence why he’s not known by his first name), never gets to pursue what he wants, views himself very negatively as a human being, and may be well on his way to becoming a psychological mess. I mean spending a few months drinking in Montenegro and possibly traveling with bottles of gin are never good signs. Furthermore, it’s well established in their first scenes as adults that Bloom has wanted to quit for awhile and has told his brother before on so many occasions that Stephen was able to say so word for word. But Stephen always knows how to manipulate his little brother into doing a con job no matter how reluctant Bloom may be. And when Bloom falls for their mark Penelope Stamp, he not only has to suffer the emotional consequences of luring and dumping her but his relationship with Stephen also gets to the point where he can’t completely tell the difference of whether his brother is being sincere or trying to con him. Stephen may not be responsible for all of Bloom’s problems, but his relationship with Stephen keeps him trapped in a con game he doesn’t want to play as well as makes him a very conflicted and very unhappy man.

2. Princes Richard, Geoffrey, and John Plantagenet

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From: The Lion in Winter with Richard and John in the Robin Hood movies
The Problem: Let’s just say, that sibling rivalries can get quite heated. But when it comes to medieval brothers fighting over who’ll rule after daddy, then it will be played up like a contact sport. If not, then war. Now it’s not easy being a Plantagenet, especially if you’re a grown man whose dad is King Henry II of England and mom is Queen Eleanor of Acquitaine. And by 1183, they’re not on the best of terms with his philandering and her inciting you guys into rebelling against him that got her put in prison for 10 years. So coming from a family like that, not wanting to spend the holidays with your folks is understandable. Add to that the fact your oldest brother Henry has died not too long ago and that King Henry is bonking the French King’s sister who’s engaged to Richard (who’d prefer her brother anyway). Oh, and did I tell you the French King Philip II is just 17 year old newlywed who’s also the son of Eleanor’s ex-husband? Now it’s clear that Henry and Eleanor favor a different son to succeed the king when he dies such as John and Richard respectively. But it’s also clear that primogeniture isn’t law yet and Henry fears that his sons will fight a civil war after he dies. And looking how these guys got along with each other during Christmas, he’s clearly not overreacting. Surviving oldest Richard likes to slaughter guys in tournaments and in the Holy Land who as king, left his country financially ruined, had to have the English people bail him out after being captured, and really didn’t care much about being a king of England anyway. But he’s also close to his mama and may prefer the company of merry men. But he and his dad really don’t get along. Middle son Geoffrey has a case of chronic backstabbing disorder who likes to use his brothers as pawns. Luckily he dies (supposedly trampled by a horse during a jousting tournament) before his old man kicks the bucket so he’s not in the Robin Hood movies. Then there’s the youngest, Prince John who’s a spoiled teenage brat in The Lion in Winter but he’s smarter than he looks (but is unaware about being an unwitting pawn). So when Richard’s out and mommy’s dead, then he’ll try to take over. And when he becomes king, he’ll kill off Geoffrey’s teenage son Arthur before the latter would challenge him. Of course, he won’t be as well liked as Richard and will be forced to sign the Magna Carta before dying of dysentery. Yeah. Now could you not blame Henry II for wanting to kill his boys for treason?

3. J. J. Hunsecker

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From: Sweet Smell of Success
The Problem: Okay, J. J. isn’t the nicest guy in the world, but when it comes to selfish and controlling brothers, he makes Stephen Bloom look like an angel. At least Stephen has some redeeming qualities when it comes to his little brother. When it comes to J. J.’s relationship with his sister, he has absolutely none. Now since J. J. basically had to raise Susan, he’s very protective of his little sister, maybe to inappropriate levels. But he cares much more about his needs than he ever will about hers. So when his little sister Susan starts dating a nightclub jazz guitarist Steve Dallas (who’s a perfectly nice guy, by the way), what does Hunsecker do? Why recruit a smarmy press agent named Sidney Falco to break them up, of course. So to please the bullying, intimidating Hunsecker, Falco plants a (certifiably false) rumor that Dallas is a dope smoking Communist so the morally bankrupt syndicated columnist could rescue his reputation. However, though Dallas and Susan do break up (officially), Dallas just can’t resist insulting Hunsecker and his underhanded methods. Hunsecker is so enraged that he tells Falco to plant marijuana on the musician and have a dirty cop Lt. Harry Kello arrest and beat him up. Falco is uneasy about this but goes ahead with the plan anyway. But when he is summoned to Hunsecker’s penthouse, he finds the miserable Susan trying to kill herself. But he grabs her as J. J. walks in and accuses Falco of trying to assault her and beats him to a pulp. When Susan learns that her brother ordered Falco to destroy Dallas, she tells him “I’d rather be dead than living with you. For all the things you’ve done, J.J., I know I should hate you. But I don’t. I pity you.” And she walks out to rejoin her jazz guitarist boyfriend, renouncing ties to her brother altogether.

4. Steve Lake

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From: Bunny Lake Is Missing
The Problem: I’d hate to spoil this movie, but I can’t see any way in order to understand why Steve Lake is on this list. Now this movie initially plays like a conventional child abduction story with American single mom Ann Lake utterly frantic over her daughter Bunny disappearing on her first day at school. So after searching through the kindergarten in vain, Ann and Steve decide to call the police. Now when Superintendent Newhouse reaches the Lakes’ house, all of Bunny’s possessions are also missing and he begins to suspect Bunny Lake doesn’t exist, partly because Bunny was the name of Ann’s imaginary friend. Desperate to prove Bunny’s existence, Ann discovers a claim tag on one of her daughter’s dolls she took to the doll shop for repairs. But though she gets the doll, Steve bursts in attempting to burn it, knocks her out, and tells the nurse that his sister is raving like a lunatic about an imaginary girl who disappeared. When she escapes to their house knowing that her brother’s the kidnapper, Ann finds Steve burying Bunny’s things and planning to kill her. As to why Steve did it, he simply said that Bunny has always been between them and now they can’t be together because Ann loves Bunny more than she loves him. Well, ya think? But there may be hints that Steve may love his sister in a rather unhealthy way. Still, it’s clear that Steve is utterly crazy if he has to be jealous of his sister’s daughter. He shouldn’t expect Ann love Bunny more than him since putting one’s kids first is normal for any parent. Now it’s one thing for a brother to kidnap his sister’s kid. But, also trying to convince the world her kid doesn’t exist and that your sister has gone off the deep end will certainly make you the brother from hell.

5. Prince Edward “David” of Wales (later King Edward VIII)

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From: The King’s Speech
The Problem: Now we all know the story about how King Edward VIII gave up the throne out of love for the twice divorced American divorcee he loved, which caused a constitutional crisis in the UK. Sure you may think it’s the greatest love story of all time. However, while this movie might not be the most historically accurate, it puts the romantic notions of Edward’s abdication to rest once and for all as well as portrayed him as the selfish and absolute jerk he was. Seriously, the guy wasn’t keen on having his kingly duties get in the way with jetsetting around the world to party. Of course, it’s very apparent that Edward isn’t cut out to be a constitutional monarch that even his old man would prefer his stuttering little brother Bertie to him (and so would the British public). And did I tell you that he and Wallis are Nazi sympathizers? Of course, all of this brings little comfort to Bertie who’s not at all confident about his speaking abilities. It doesn’t help that Edward basically belittles him of his speech impediment just when Bertie tells him that he should take his leadership duties seriously. He also accuses his brother of trying to take his place as king even though Bertie really doesn’t want to be king. But you kind of wish that Bertie could just do it because Edward is such a selfish asshole. Of course, while Edward was right to give up the throne for his brother, it seems that Bertie got the raw end of the deal. And despite being a capable king, it doesn’t help that the stress of ruling Great Britain was said to take a massive toll on his health that he died of coronary thrombosis in 1952 at 56. Edward, on the other hand enjoyed a photo op with Adolf Hitler, a wartime governorship of the Bahamas, continued enjoying his jettsetting party lifestyle with him and Wallis as the Duke and Duchess of Windsor, and died in Paris in 1972.

6. Antonio “Tony” Camonte/Tony Montana

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From: Scarface (either version)
The Problem: Gangster movies might glamorize crime and violence. But they’re correct to tell moviegoers that you wouldn’t want to be related to one. Now there are two movies named Scarface with one being made in the 1930s that was inspired by the rise of Al Capone during Prohibition and the other about a Cuban drug kingpin in Miami during the 1970s but released in 1983. But in some essence, the story is the same. Violent guy named Tony rises to through the ranks of organized crime basically facing attention of law enforcement and law enforcement, having their lives reduced to emptiness, as well as eventually have their empires come crashing down as they get killed. Camonte loves violence and delights in his Tommy Gun without showing remorse while Montana gets addicted to cocaine and is a controlling misogynist. Of course, both Tonys are impulsive in their own way with terrible tempers and an unhealthy obsession with their sisters. By that I mean violently protective that sometimes conduct can descend into outright abuse. And when the sister runs off with the best friend to get married, the Tonys gun down the best friend assuming the guy was abusing her (he wasn’t). Their criminal activities also lead to their sisters getting killed as well.

7. Scar

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From: The Lion King
The Problem: As far as Disney villains go, Scar is among the most evil and basically fits the textbook definition of a sociopath. Yes, he’s resentful and jealous of his king of the Pridelands brother Mufasa who always gets the glory and the power he craves. But at least he’ll be next after his brother dies. That is, until Simba is born, which gets him demoted on in the line of succession which he is not happy about. Still, Scar is good at hiding his resentment toward his brother and nephew by pretending to be the loyal brother and uncle while privately planning to kill them with zero qualms. Now Scar is a ruthless chronic backstabber, consummate liar, and a master at manipulating everyone to get what he wants. First, he tricks Simba and Nala to venture into the elephant graveyard betting they are killed by hyenas. But Mufasa interferes and saves them. Yet, he also successfully dupes the hyenas into his selfish scheme, convincing them he’d make everything better for them. They fall for it. After that, he then coaxes his nephew into a gorge and triggers a wildebeest stampede where Simba is almost trampled to death if it weren’t for Mufasa returning his son to safety. But Scar throws his brother off a cliff to get trampled in the stampede at his moment of desperation, all in front of Simba’s eyes (while traumatizing an entire generation of children in the 1990s. Trust me, I watched this movie in theaters when I was 4 years old. Guess this scene gave my parents second thoughts about having me see this). Adding insult to injury, Scar tells Simba that Mufasa’s death was his fault and that he should run away and never return, before having the hyenas unsuccessfully go after him. Yet, this leaves Simba with a major guilt complex while he grows up. Once Scar is actually king of the Pridelands, he lets the hyenas run rampant making the place go to hell, turning the lush savannah into a deserted wasteland within a few years in which lion and hyena both starve. And Scar proves to be a terrible ruler because he’s a selfish, tyrannical, and lazy hedonist with virtually everybody hating his guts. Once Simba returns, Scar sets him off by smacking Sarabi when she compares him to Mufasa. And when Scar and Simba get into a fight, he pleads for mercy and confesses to killing his brother only to recant it by blaming his villainous actions on the hyenas (who are listening nearby). Luckily Simba throws him off Pride Rock and the hyenas eat him alive.

8. Charlie Babbit

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From: Rain Man
The Problem: Now taking care of a special needs sibling is difficult enough, let alone if you haven’t seen him or her since you were a little kid before being institutionalized. Now Raymond Babbit is profoundly autistic savant but he has super recall and math skills (and as far as we know, there’s no cure for autism). Charlie on the other hand, has a severe case of rich boy entitlement syndrome, which is totally curable. So when Charlie learns that his estranged dad has left the bulk of his $3 million estate is going to the older brother her barely remembers, he seeks Raymond out. However, once he meets his brother, he takes his brother to a hotel, he asks Raymond’s doctor for half the estate in exchange for Raymond’s return, but he refuses. He then decides to gain custody of his brother to get control of the money he thinks is rightfully his. So he basically kidnaps Raymond away to Los Angeles to meet with his lawyers. And when he hears about the Lamborghinis being seized by a creditor resulting in $80,000 in debt, well it’s a brotherly road trip to Vegas. But this time, it’s for Raymond to put his super memory and math skills to good use with counting cards before being chased out of the casino by security. Yeah, Charlie is a douche whose only motivation in bonding with Raymond is his bank account to support his luxurious lifestyle. Still, if I were him, I’d just go with the convertible and prize winning rose bushes and leave.

9. Jesse and Lewton McCanles

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From: Duel in the Sun
The Problem: When it comes to dynastic clashes on Texas cattle ranches, these boys make the Ewing brothers seem normal. And when Pearl Chavez winds up on Spanish Bit, Jesse and Lewton’s relationship becomes even more antagonistic. Now if you’ve read my post on bad movie husband/boyfriends, Lewt is a violent psycho who rapes Pearl, refuses to marry her, yet goes completely apeshit if she dates anyone else. I mean he killed a guy who was going to marry her. He also derails a train and shoots his Jesse unarmed. It’s not surprising he’s the worse of the two and it’s no wonder that his family hates him. Seriously, trying to discipline Lewt is like trying to domesticate a crocodile. However, while we’re supposed to see the gentlemanly Jesse as the good brother, he’s just as much of a selfish jerk who’d sell out his family’s best interests in a heartbeat. Sure he gets ostracized for siding with the railroad men while his dad decided on an armed confrontation, but still. Now Jesse is a lawyer with political ambitions and family image is everything. So you can’t really tell whether he’s being a nice guy or doesn’t want his family put him at a disadvantage during the next election. And though he may have feelings for Pearl, he doesn’t see her as an appropriate political wife so he gets himself engaged to an upper class white girl. But if Jesse wasn’t so keen on winning office and ran off and married Pearl instead, then a lot of the bad stuff in this movie could’ve been avoided, especially Lewton and Pearl’s mutual kill.

10. Cal and Aron Trask

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From: East of Eden
The Problem: Of course, the fact these two don’t get along is certainly no surprise to me because they were raised by a shitty dad. Seriously, Adam Trask’s upbringing really messed these boys up. Now Cal is supposed to be the bad brother while Aron is seen as the good brother. However, it’s not really the case. Sure Cal is a juvenile delinquent who basically steals his brother’s girlfriend and drive him insane when he introduces Aron their mother. Not to mention, it also compels Aron to go on a bender and hop on a train to the Western front, smashing a window. But Aron is also intensely possessive of Abra and whenever she tries to do something nice with or for Cal, he just goes ballistic. Also, when Cal tries to help him in a fight, Aron thinks it’s just to impress Abra. And when Cal tries to give the money he worked so hard to earn back after his dad’s veggie disaster, Aron suddenly announces his and Abra’s engagement even though he didn’t propose at all. Yeah, Adam Trask certainly did a great job with his favoritism on Aron and abuse on Cal being basically the main reasons why they hate each other.

11. Jonathan Brewster

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From: Arsenic and Old Lace
The Problem: Contrary to what you might’ve seen on Dexter, serial killers don’t make great siblings. And while Jonathan only killed about 13 people which may be more of a byproduct of his life of crime, chances are you’d rather have dinner with his sweet elderly aunts even if they are homicidal maniacs. Seriously, the Brewsters are the kind of family in which everyone save oldest brother Mortimer is crazy, homicidal, or both. Jonathan is the guy you want to avoid since not only is he a serial killer but he’s also been pursued around by police that he’s had multiple plastic surgeries and killed his last victim for saying he looked like Boris Karloff. Not to mention, he’s a violent psychopath with no scruples who’d even torture his victims if he’s in the mood such as the Melbourne method. And it doesn’t help that he and his assistant stop by his aunts’ place where they drop off a corpse to the aunts’ dismay. Still, the guy basically thinks about killing his brothers on a whim and he gets really close to killing his older brother Mortimer by having his assistant bound and gag him to a chair. This among clueless and easily bored New York beat cops nearby. Now having a crazy family is one thing. But if you’re the guy in the crazy family with homicidal aunts who think you’ve gone off the deep end and try to kill your brother, well, you probably belong on this list.

12. Edmund Pevensie

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From: The Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe
The Problem: Of course, being a middle child and sent off to a stranger’s countryside home during WWII isn’t going to put you in the best situation. So Edmund wanting attention, glory, and sugary sweets isn’t very surprising, especially since he starts out the series at 10. Not to mention, out of the 4 Pevensie children, it’s pretty clear he gets the least attention from their parents. In the beginning, he’s already in a bad relationship with his siblings who basically bullies younger sister Lucy just because he can, even after they get out of the wardrobe. Still, when he first gets into Narnia after chasing Lucy around, he meets the White Witch who takes him in her white sleigh and treats him to Turkish delight, calling herself the “Queen of Narnia.” She also asks him to return and bring his siblings with him, offering a reward of him being a prince and perhaps a king. However, Edmund obviously has no idea what’s going on in Narnia as well as what the hell he’s getting himself into. What’s really going on is that the White Witch is just using him so she could kill them all to prevent the fulfillment of a Narnia prophecy. And that she has made him do her bidding by getting him hooked on the Narnian equivalent to crack. So when the Pevensie siblings are staying with the Beavers and talking about Aslan, Edmund sneaks out to the Witch’s castle. Of course, it’s only when he gets there does he realize he’s made a very big mistake, but that doesn’t stop the White Witch from trying to put him to death. Perhaps the only reason why Edmund’s siblings forgave him was because his familial betrayal had less to do with selfishness than his own stupidity and desire for attention. But it’s Edmund’s ignorance that nearly puts him and his siblings in mortal danger.

13. Paris

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From: Troy and other films.
The Problem: Well, a pretty straightforward one, really. Now suppose you’re the Trojan Crown Prince Hector with a loving wife and young son. All you want to do with your life is basically spend time with your family and help your dad rule Troy. But one day, your little brother Paris goes on a diplomatic mission to Sparta where he ends up running off with Queen Helen. Unfortunately she’s married to King Menelaus who’s certainly not at all happy. In fact, he’s so royally pissed off that he enlists help from his brother and the other Greek city states that have now declared war on Troy, which will go on for 10 years. Now you correctly think that what your little brother did wasn’t just selfish but also phenomenally stupid. Not to mention, even the Trojans think Paris is a philandering, cowardly jerk who’s responsible for this mess. But this is Ancient Greece, your sense of honor won’t let you to just give Helen back to Menelaus which would basically solve everything. As we all know, destiny and hubris pretty much make this conflict unavoidable. And the fact that you’re also Troy’s best warrior means that you’re going to spend a lot of time away from the family. Now does that make you want to kill your brother? Well, if it doesn’t just make note that you will be killed by Achilles, your body will be desecrated, your city will be burned, your newborn son will be thrown from the city walls, and your wife will become a sex slave to your slayer’s son. Oh, and your sister will be taken as Agamemnon’s sex slave and is killed by Clytemnestra. But don’t worry, Paris dies in this war, too.

14. King Claudius

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From: Hamlet
The Problem: It’s one thing to kill your brother for the throne of Denmark. But marry the guy’s widow soon after his death? Sure he may seem to love her and may help him get the throne but his nephew Hamlet is certainly not going to be happy about that when he gets home. And when he finds out from his ghost dad that Claudius killed his father, he’s going to be super pissed. But Uncle Claudius isn’t going to give up his kingdom too easily, especially after he gets pissed off over his nephew putting on a play about it. Luckily Hamlet missed an opportunity to kill him while he’s praying to God (for God’s sake, Hamlet, why don’t you just fucking kill your uncle already?). So this gives time for Claudius to send Rosencrantz and Guilderstern to kill him after he sends Hamlet out of town with a message to the king of England to kill him (luckily Hamlet has the two idiots murdered by giving them the message). And when Hamlet gets back home, he tries to have his nephew killed another time via swordfight with the now angry, grieving, and vengeful Laertes in which they kill each other. Fortunately Hamlet kills him before dying but not after his mother drinks poison. And as a result of his actions, the whole Danish royal family is dead. Yes, fratricide is a bitch.

15. Peeta Mellark’s Older Brothers
From: The Hunger Games Trilogy
The Problem: While I’m not sure whether you see them in the film, but they’re mentioned in the book. Now we’re all aware that every year in Panem, a teenage boy and girl are chosen at random (or supposed to be, but the selection system is rigged) during the Reaping as tributes for each of the 12 districts to participate an annual fight to the death on national television. At least one of Peeta’s brothers was eligible to compete in the first book. But while Katniss Everdeen volunteers as a tribute in her sister’s place, Peeta’s brothers do no such thing (in typical Panem sibling fashion). And it doesn’t help that he’s in love with Katniss who’s probably favored to win the Games anyway (as we know from Catching Fire) and if she didn’t decide that they’d commit suicide together, he probably wouldn’t last the first book. Those familiar with the trilogy know the rest, especially with what happens to him in Mockingjay.

16. Hindley Earnshaw

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From: Wuthering Heights
The Problem: In relation to Heathcliff, Hindley isn’t technically a brother but that’s as far as we’re concerned. However, they were raised together in the same house, so he counts. Now Hindley’s hatred for Heathcliff starts when his dad brings him to Wuthering Heights. Of course, considering his situation, since a new sibling does lead to less parental attention, this is understandable, especially for children of single parents. However, his father’s attention to Heathcliff makes this Mr. Little Entitlement here utterly jealous and resentful. So when Edgar dies, Hindley assumes the role of family patriarch and forces Heathcliff to work relentlessly as a family servant (or house slave, not that there’s any difference). Doesn’t help matters that Hindley later becomes an alcoholic and compulsive gambler as an adult. Now Heathcliff didn’t like Hindley to begin with nor is he necessarily nice either. But being forced to work for his foster brother really makes him despise the guy. Not only that, but Hindley’s treatment of Heathcliff is largely what shapes the latter into a cruel and bitter person. And when Heathcliff returns after a mysterious 3 year absence, he assumes ownership from under Hindley’s nose and basically has him drink himself to death. Sure Heathcliff was pretty cruel to the guy, but it’s not like Hindley didn’t deserve it. I mean treating someone like scum and a monster isn’t a good idea, especially if the victim displays signs of being a possible sociopath. So Hindley pretty much had it coming. Edgar Linton, on the other hand…..

17. Charles “Charlie” Oakley

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From: Shadow of a Doubt
The Problem: Now Charlie is more of an uncle but even so, you’d think his sister Emma would know better. I mean Charlie hasn’t seen her in years until all of a sudden, he just decides to pay her a visit (of course, we all know he’s being chased by cops at the moment). But unlike Jonathan Brewster, Charlie wouldn’t think of killing his older sister, mostly because he only targets rich widows that he equates with cows best left to the slaughterhouse. Yet, you can argue that while Emma is practically blind to who her brother really is, her ignorance basically keeps her out of harm’s way. But it kind of makes her naming her daughter after him very unsettling. Also helps Uncle Charlie that everyone in town adores him. On the other hand, you couldn’t say the same for Young Charlie who’s the only one in her family to sense that there’s something very wrong with him. He also gives her a wedding ring, which is among the most inappropriate gifts for someone in your family, save maybe in West Virginia. But after a run in with the cops looking for the “Merry Widow Killer” and a bit of research on the ring, she finds that the uncle she once idolized is actually a remorseless serial killer on the run. When Young Charlie tells him what she knows, he tries to kill her 3 times such as breaking the stair steps so she could fall and break her neck, locking her in a garage with the engine running so she’d suffocate from carbon monoxide poisoning, or trying to throw her off a train. He also tries to choke her, too. Now staying at your sister’s place from the cops is one thing. Manipulating her into thinking you’re a good person while trying to bump off her daughter will certainly make you a brother from hell.

18. Derek Vinyard

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From: American History X
The Problem: Danny Vinyard idolizes his brother Derek. And why should he? After all, Derek is a good student as well as has a talent for basketball. However, the guy is a racist Neo-Nazi skinhead who commits violent crimes against racial minorities in his neighborhood as well as recruits others to his cause. Not to mention, such hate also makes him hostile to family members as driving his mother’s Jewish boyfriend away and attacking his sister. Sure his dad was killed by black gangbangers but still, that gives you no reason to be a Neo-Nazi. And I’m sure Derek had been accustomed to racism all his life. But a lot of racists wouldn’t commit acts of violence in the name of white supremacy (or pure blood supremacy in the case with Draco Malfoy). Nevertheless, Derek’s influence on his little brother leads him on the same path. Sure Derek might’ve reformed during his prison sentence but his past as a Neo-Nazi will haunt him for the rest of his life. Derek probably didn’t mean to be a role model, but older siblings tend set examples for their younger counterparts whether they like it or not.

19. Edmund
From: King Lear
The Problem: Okay, I get it, growing up knowing you were the product of your dad’s fling certainly has to suck. So I can understand why Edmund might harbor resentment for his legitimately born older half-brother Edgar as well as for the rest of the world who cruelly judge him. Yet, since this play features two Shakespearean dads with parenting skills you might see in a Disney movie, let’s just say Edmund has a lot of free rein for dirty work. Now Edmund tricks the Earl of Gloucester into thinking Edgar is plotting to kill him (just to get their dad’s title). Since backstabbing and killing relatives was relatively common up to the Middle Ages, Gloucester is duped. This leads Edgar to go on the run disguised as a crazy homeless guy to evade capture and stay alive. Let’s just say that if Edgar hadn’t fallen in with King Lear and ran into his dad, he would’ve been dead. Of course, Edmund seduces Lear’s older daughters as well as manipulates everyone to increase his power, but that’s another story. Luckily for Edgar, he finds out about Edmund’s treachery and kills him. Considering that Edmund is a power hungry opportunist who framed him, you can’t really blame Edgar’s conduct here.

20. Charley Maloy

Marlon-Brando
From: On the Waterfront
The Problem: Now deciding whether to blow the whistle on illegal workplace activity isn’t one you’d want to make, especially if it pertains to organized crime and the guys planning to testify end up dead. But if your brother is the crime boss’s right hand man, well, it certainly puts you in a tight spot. Now Terry Maloy’s relationship with Charley hasn’t helped him at all over the years. For one, he was once a promising boxer who’s still bitter of how Charley instructed him to deliberately lose a fight so his boss Johnny Friendly could win money. This perfectly illustrates that Charley has basically put his own needs before his younger brother in the past that while he’s fairly well off, Terry is struggling as a longshoreman on the docks. Second, Terry’s connection to Charley leads Friendly to having him to coax fellow dockworker Joey Doyle into a death trap. Now Terry had no idea that Friendly’s guys were going to kill him, assuming they would try to get him out of talking. But he nevertheless feels genuine guilt over it and resents being used as a tool. Over the course of the film Terry falls under increased pressure to testify against the mob, whether it’s from Father Barry, Doyle’s attractive sister Edie, witnessing a co-worker getting crushed by a load of whiskey, or his own conscience. But his brother’s place in the mob makes him reluctant to do so. And soon Johnny Friendly tells Charley that he either try to keep Terry quiet or kill him. Their taxicab conversation basically sums their relationship up when Terry says, “You don’t understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let’s face it. It was you, Charley.” Sure Charley may redeem himself at the end, but it comes at a great cost.

21. Connor Rooney

road-to-craig
From: Road to Perdition
The Problem: Like Hindley, Connor isn’t a brother in relation to Michael Sullivan Sr. But he counts nonetheless because they were raised together. Now despite being played by the future James Bond, Connor is a real piece of work, even by Irish mob standards. Hell, as far as mobster brothers go, he makes Michael Corleone seem like a saint. Now while his dad John loves him as any son, Connor has always despised Michael and is deeply jealous of the relationship the latter had with the former’s mob boss dad. To him, Michael has always been an outsider whose membership in The Sons of John Rooney is an intrusion. Still, Rooney’s favoritism to Michael is understandable since Connor is a violent and unstable screw-up with an entitlement complex who steals from his old man. Michael by contrast, is like the son Rooney never had, is basically everything Connor isn’t as well as has a nice family. Now when Michael’s 12 year old son witnesses Connor snap out and kill associate Finn McGovern as well as his dad mowing down McGovern’s men, Connor tries to use this as an excuse to kill the Sullivan and his folks. This despite that Michael trying to swear his son into secrecy and the elder Rooney pressuring him to apologize for his reckless actions. So Connor just sends Sullivan to a speakeasy with a message to the owner that all debts to Rooney will be forgiven if you shoot him in the head. Fortunately, Michael finds out about the plot and kills the owner. But Connor also comes up to Sullivan’s house where he murders Michael’s wife and younger son in the bathroom (Michael Jr. had to stay after school for detention). When Michael and his older son see Annie and Peter’s dead bodies, they’re completely devastated but can’t stay for the funeral because they’re forced to go on the run for their lives. Connor meanwhile, hires a sadistic hitman with an amateur photography hobby named Maguire to gun them down. It also puts Michael in a battle to not only save Michael Jr.’s life but also his soul, hence the title. It doesn’t help that Rooney is willing to protect Connor over guilt of not being a better father to him. As long as Rooney’s alive, Connor is basically untouchable. And as long as Connor’s still kicking, Sullivan and Michael Jr. are in mortal danger. So those who’ve seen the film can figure out what happens from there.

22. Andy and Hank Hanson

BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU'RE DEAD
From: Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead
The Problem: Not to be confused with the 1990s boy band or the violent but loveable hockey trio from Slapshot, there’s absolutely nothing likeable about these guys. Now older brother Andy is a finance executive who’s just embezzled from his employer (to fund a heroin addiction) hoping to escape to Brazil where there’s no extradition (he’s wrong, of course). Younger brother Hank owes 3 months of child support as well as his daughter’s private school tuition. So to solve their financial woes, these guys decide to rob their parents’ jewelry store. Now while Andy is certainly the ruthless schemer who causes the deaths of 5 people, including his mother, Hank is banging Andy’s wife but other than that, he’s a pushover. Still, after the robbery, Hank is blackmailed by their assistant’s brother-in-law into giving compensation to his widow. To resolve it, Andy robs a heroin dealer he frequents but Hank is utterly shocked when his brother kills the guy and a client. He also kills the blackmailer after paying him off. Not to mention, Andy turns the gun on Hank just to let him know that he knows what’s going on between him and Gina and that he doesn’t like it. Luckily, their dad does a little detective work and gives Andy what he deserves.

23. Michael

brodre01
From: Brothers
The Problem: Suffering from PTSD is no day at the beach, especially if you’re a vet who’s spent time as a POW in Afghanistan as well as under conditions that violate the Geneva Convention. Now Michael has been through hell and just wants to come back to his family. So much that he bludgeons his cell mate to death, which gives him an incredible guilt complex on top of that. Seriously, he needs to see a therapist but as he’s unwilling to discuss his wartime experience, he becomes full of paranoia, rage, and suspicion. Now while Michael was away, his screw up and ex con younger brother Jannik has looked after his family as well as turned a new leaf. He and Sarah even develop feelings for each other but they rightly decide not to pursue a relationship. But when Michael comes back, does he thank his brother for doing a good job? No, he basically tears apart Jannik’s kitchen improvements as well as threaten and abuse his wife, possibly suspicious that she and Jannik had a fling. And Jannik is the one who tries to keep Michael from causing further harm to his wife and kids. He also points a gun at a cop. And it doesn’t help that Jannik was a punching bag for Michael and their dad since he was always getting in trouble.

24. Richard, Duke of Gloucester (later King Richard III)

olivier-richard-iii1
From: Richard III
The Problem: Now the real Richard III wasn’t nearly as bad as the one we’re used to which is based on Tudor propaganda more than anything. Seriously, the real Richard III became king through just saying that Edward IV kids were bastards because he was engaged to another woman as well as having his other brother George’s kids declared illegitimate as well. Besides, he was running the country anyway and what he did was perfectly legal (not to mention, Edward IV was such a horndog that anyone in England would believe him and that the Woodvilles weren’t well liked at all). Not to mention, other kings would do the same thing. Still, seizing the throne, marrying Lady Anne (whom he actually loved all his life, by the way unlike in Shakespeare and he didn’t bump off her first husband and dad. Also, they had a 10 year old son by his coronation), hating the Woodvilles, imprisoning his nephews in the Tower, and dying at Bosworth Field (though he actually died fighting in the thick of battle) are basically the only things Richard actually did. Also, he never lived past 32. Shakespeare’s Richard III is basically the brother from hell who has his brother George drowned in a massive vat of wine, drives oldest brother Edward IV to an early grave, and has his imprisoned nephews killed. Sure it’s tough being the hunchbacked younger brother with the withered arm. But still Little Richard proves to be a rather entertaining but very manipulative and heartless bastard backstabbing family members and friends whenever it’s convenient. Of course, he wants to be king but he also wants to ruin everyone else in the process whether they be family, friends, allies, spouses, or countrymen. Still, despite the monstrosity Richard may be, you can’t really hate him, especially if played by Sir Laurence Olivier. Man, what a magnificent bastard.

25. Duke Michael

Prisoner_of_Zenda_1937_monocle_Massey
From: The Prisoner of Zenda
The Problem: Now it’s all right to be angry over passed over for your dad’s crown just because your mother wasn’t a princess while your stepmother was. And sure, it’s a pain in the ass to see your younger half-brother on the throne, especially if he tends to act like an overgrown frat boy who doesn’t take his duties seriously. Yes, King Rudolf should get his act together and take responsibility while spending less time boozing and shooting animals. However, it’s not okay to usurp the throne by drugging his wine on the night before his coronation, having your assistant kidnap him the next morning, and holding him at your castle dungeon under adverse conditions is not. Nor is wanting to execute him and marry his fiancée either. Fortunately, Rudolf has a distant English cousin who can fill in for him in the meantime. Still, Michael, maybe you should just give up your kingly dreams and settle down with your French girlfriend. I mean being king isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, anyway. Seriously, the Duke of Windsor gave up the throne to be in your position.

26. Simone Parondi

RoccoHisBrothers
From: Rocco and His Brothers
The Problem: Now out of all the Parondi brothers, second brother Simone is arguably the dysfunctional one who middle brother Rocco has to bail out. Of course, the younger Parondi boys had to move up north to Milan from their country life after their father’s death. But it’s Simone’s nefarious deeds that nearly drive the family apart and basically crush Rocco’s happiness since he’s way too nice for his own good. Now the ambitious Simone becomes a prizefighter and dates a prostitute named Nadia, she rejects him after he asked her for more than a casual relationship. When Rocco returns from a tour of duty in Turin, he meets Nadia and they enter into an exclusive relationship with her giving up her old lifestyle. Of course, since she’s had a history with his older brothers, a love like this would make Thanksgiving dinner very awkward. But Simone is incredibly possessive of Nadia as well as a selfish and raging alcoholic who’s turned to petty crime. Naturally when he sees Rocco and Nadia together, he decides to take revenge. So he gets a gang of friends, proceeds to attack the couple, and brutally rapes Nadia while forcing Rocco to watch. This leads Rocco to break up with her and tells Nadia to go back to Simone because he doesn’t want to see his brother angry or her getting killed. Sure Rocco wants to keep his family together and it’s all right he wants Simone to be happy. But what he really should’ve done is dump Nadia and tell her to get out of town. And Rocco is basically doomed as Simone’s enabler because he has no spine. When Simone stole a brooch and shirt at work, Rocco returns it. When he’s poor as henshit, he cajoles money from his brothers and robs his boss. And to repay Simone’s patron, Rocco signs a 10 year boxing contract, but he despises the sport. Yet, as Nadia returns to her own ways and rejects Simone again, he jealously stabs her to death and confesses to her murder after Rocco’s first victory. Fourth brother Ciro wisely calls the police on Simone and is ostracized by his family.

27. Taro and Jiro Ichimonji

ran
From: Ran
The Problem: If you think English royals had problems, then you have to see Japanese warlords. Now while he was young Hidetora was a powerful and feared warlord. But now he just wants to retire and divide the family business among his 3 sons. However, as the aging daimyo tries to show how being joint rulers strengthens a domain, youngest son Saburo tells him how dividing the family’s assets is a bad idea as well as that he should know better than to expect a peaceful and harmonious relationship among his kids since Hidetora gained power through ruthlessness and murdering his allies. But he’s banished along with anyone who defends him. Unfortunately, Saburo is right. And while he’s gone, Taro and Jiro basically feud over who’s going to be the next clan leader, driving their dad to Saburo’s castle prior to ransacking it to the point where Hidetora can’t even perform hari kiri just to restore his family honor. So Hidetora goes nuts. Not to mention, their forces stage a massacre as well. And it doesn’t help that these guys are being played by Taro’s wife Lady Kaede who’s a Lady Macbeth in her own right wanting revenge against the father-in-law who knocked off her family. She’s also shagging Jiro as well. And Jiro also kills Saburo for coming back and helping their dad. But as the result, the Ichimonji clan is destroyed by the end because these two didn’t want to share.

28. Tommy Miller

2004_The_Butterfly_Effect_134
From: The Butterfly Effect
The Problem: For one, he’s incredibly creepy even when he gets older. Secondly, he’s a total sociopath. Third, he’s extremely possessive of his sister Kayleigh and may feel more than brotherly affection for her. So when she starts dating Evan Treborn, Tommy either sets his dog on fire or tries to kill him putting Evan in prison for offing him in self-defense. And when he’s not a sociopath, then he’s a sweet, gentle born again Christian, but he’s still creepy. Oh, and did I tell you, he can beat up a guy twice his size?

29. Michael Myers

Halloween-Feature
From: The Halloween Franchise
The Problem: Michael was certainly trouble from the beginning since he’s a soulless killing machine. Unfortunately, his parents didn’t get the memo until after he stabbed his older sister with a kitchen knife for no explanation. Thus, he’s put in a mental institution from which he later escapes. However, somehow he finds out that his parents had another daughter who was giving up for adoption now known by the name of Laurie Strode (but this isn’t revealed until the second movie). Somehow Myers tracks her down and starts stalking her at school and when she’s babysitting on Halloween night. There he proceeds to kill her friends before attacking her but luckily his psychiatrist steps in. Yet, as we know in horror movies, we know that horror movie villains are only kept alive just to have room for a sequel. Oh, and after Laurie dies, Michael just goes after her daughter. Now trying to track a long lost biological sibling is understandable, but trying to kill her, well, that’s a bit much.

30. Dimitri and Ivan Karamazov as well as Pavel Smerdyakov

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From: The Brothers Karamazov
The Problem: To be fair, the Karamazov brothers all had a terrible childhood and a father who was a piece of shit ranging from absentee at best to downright abusive at worst. It’s a miracle that Alexei is the only good one of the bunch thanks to Father Zosima. The rest turn out just like you’d expect. Oldest brother Dimitri is a volatile party animal who’s only willing to contact his old man because he needs money and feels entitled to his inheritance. He also comes to violence and lethal threats to the elder Fyodor over a prostitute named Grushenka. Second brother Ivan is a nihilistic atheist who hates his dad and doesn’t show much affection for his brothers at first. He also has a thing for Dimitri’s fiancée Katrina Ivanova (though to be fair Dimitri doesn’t care much for her anyway despite what she thinks). However, Ivan’s influence turns destructive, especially when he states that in a world without God, “everything is permitted” (even though he doesn’t really believe this but his intellectual arrogance makes him blind to such unfortunate implications until after things go from bad to worse). And then there’s the epileptic Smerdyakov, who works as a servant and is almost certainly Fyodor’s illegitimate son. However, he’s misanthropic and antisocial as well as much smarter than he looks. Not to mention, he tortured stray cats as a child which suggest that he has the makings of a future serial killer. However, when Fyodor is killed, suspicion falls immediately to Dimitri for obvious reasons that even when he’s trying to explain what he did during the murder, police see his testimony as mounting evidence (even though Dimitri clearly didn’t do it). Thus, Dimitri is apprehended. But when Ivan goes nuts after hearing the truth about Fyodor’s murder from Smerdaykov which would’ve exonerated the oldest brother, the latter kills himself leaving Ivan unable to effectively help Dimitri during his trial. And the jury is more likely to believe Katarina who’s basically framing him out of spite, resulting in him being sent to Siberia. Nevertheless, could you really blame Alexei for wanting to live in a monastery?

The Wonderful World of Flower Gardens

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While it’s popularly know that April showers bring May flowers, you can’t really say that spring has sprung until you see the flowers, which really don’t seem to come up until May. Well, at least as far as the perennials go. Nevertheless, May is basically the time of year when people really pay attention to their gardens whether it be weeding or finding new flowers to plant. Now flower gardens have existed for centuries adorning the lawns of the grand estates and castles. And the Brits almost treat gardening as a state religion since gardening over there is serious business. Sure it was a way for aristocrats to show off their wealth since they had other people taking care of the landscape. Now it’s mostly seen as either a hobby or a chore for ordinary gardeners who love to see flowers adorn their place. My house in particular is covered with ivy because my parents though the brown brick work was ugly. However, most of time, they usually try to plant flowers that can withstand the elements because southwestern Pennsylvania is no paradise. It helps that it rains a lot during the warmer months along with every other month. Let’s just say the precipitation in the area does PennDOT and drivers no favors since summer is basically road season. Anyway, there are some places where the fine art of gardening is taken to an art form. So without further adieu, here are some of unique gardens out there.

1. Looks like someone spilled the flowers.

This is part of the Miracle Garden in Dubai which is one of the largest public gardens in the world as well perhaps runs among the world's highest water bills. You'll see a lot of scenes from this place since it's like a garden theme park.

This is part of the Miracle Garden in Dubai which is one of the largest public gardens in the world as well perhaps runs among the world’s highest water bills. You’ll see a lot of scenes from this place since it’s like a garden theme park.

2. Of course, you may like adorning your house with flowers. But have you ever seen a flower house?

Of course, this is also in Dubai, where greenery like this is expensive as hell to look after. Still, like the lovely cars in the corner.

Of course, this is also in Dubai, where greenery like this is expensive as hell to look after. Still, like the lovely cars in the corner.

3. Heard of flower power? I give you flowered owls.

I wonder whoo is responsible for taking care of these?  Still, they are quite beautiful and colorful despite being mostly green.

I wonder whoo is responsible for taking care of these? Still, they are quite beautiful and colorful despite being mostly green.

4. If you have an antique car that doesn’t work anymore, may I suggest planting flowers under the hood.

Seems like that old Volkswagen Beetle now has a new life as a flower planter. Of course, I wonder if neighbors still see it as a piece of junk.

Seems like that old Volkswagen Beetle now has a new life as a flower planter. Of course, I wonder if neighbors still see it as a piece of junk.

5. Go into the forest with Bambi and his friends in the botanical gardens at Walt Disney World.

I've actually been to Disney World for a marching band trip in high school. I'm sure this display is in the animal kingdom since that's certainly not Splash Mountain.

I’ve actually been to Disney World for a marching band trip in high school. I’m sure this display is in the animal kingdom since that’s certainly not Splash Mountain.

6. When your shitter don’t work anymore, perhaps repurpose your commodes for flowers.

Hey, I'm sure toilets might make okay planters. I mean they're made from porcelain and have several open containers to them. And in some situations, I'm sure they'll benefit from some organic fertilizer.

Hey, I’m sure toilets might make okay planters. I mean they’re made from porcelain and have several open containers to them. And in some situations, I’m sure they’ll benefit from some organic fertilizer.

7. Nothing beautifies a flower garden more than putting your flowers in a wheelbarrow.

Now this is a beautiful picture. However, many people with wheelbarrows can't do this since they actually use them for other things, like yard work.

Now this is a beautiful picture. However, many people with wheelbarrows can’t do this since they actually use them for other things, like yard work.

8. What would a butterfly garden be without a flower butterfly?

Now I'm sure this won't intimidate butterflies. But if the butterflies come, it might attract collectors who kill them with nail polish remover to put in their collections.

Now I’m sure this won’t intimidate butterflies. But if the butterflies come, it might attract collectors who kill them with nail polish remover to put in their collections.

9. If you have a Volkswagen, why not decorate the whole thing with flowers?

For some reason, I can't help thinking that this car is high on something. And I'm not sure if it's Miracle Gro.

For some reason, I can’t help thinking that this car is high on something. And I’m not sure if it’s Miracle Gro.

10. I’ve heard how some hippie vans contain pot plants, but this isn’t what I’ve had in mind.

Behold, the flowery van fit for any flower child. Of course, you probably can't drive this thing if you wanted to. Might you might get high in it.

Behold, the flowery van fit for any flower child. Of course, you probably can’t drive this thing if you wanted to. Might you might get high in it.

11. In the Netherlands, you need a garden park with tulips, just because.

This is from Amsterdam. Not sure if it's a botanical garden or park because tulips are very big in the Netherlands.

This is from Amsterdam. Not sure if it’s a botanical garden or park because tulips are very big in the Netherlands.

12. Mr. Jolly Green Giant, meet your dream girl.

Of course, she tends to have a lot of flowers in her hair and lives near a waterfall. This is from the botanical gardens in Atlanta.

Of course, she tends to have a lot of flowers in her hair and lives near a waterfall. This is from the botanical gardens in Atlanta.

13. If you like dollhouses, you can make a little garden scene in a pot.

Now this is a quaint scene with a little house, clothes line, swing, and path. But I'm sure the flowers are all regular sized.

Now this is a quaint scene with a little house, clothes line, swing, and path. But I’m sure the flowers are all regular sized.

14. What giant garden statue woman wouldn’t be without her water birds?

I'm sure this is from a botanical garden in Montreal. I'm sure those birds aren't native since I don't remember seeing them from the Audobon book.

I’m sure this is from a botanical garden in Montreal. I’m sure those birds aren’t native since I don’t remember seeing them from the Audobon book.

15. Of course, you can’t have a flower garden without giant peacocks.

This is from a botanical gardens in Iran from what I can see. Nevertheless, these peacocks wouldn't have colors like that in the wild.

This is from a botanical gardens in Iran from what I can see. Nevertheless, these peacocks wouldn’t have colors like that in the wild.

16. If you like flowers, why not have them on a canvas?

This is from the Bellagio Botanical Gardens in Las Vegas. Or as I called it, "the only place in Vegas that's worth visiting." Seriously, that's a work of art there.

This is from the Bellagio Botanical Gardens in Las Vegas. Or as I called it, “the only place in Vegas that’s worth visiting.” Seriously, that’s a work of art there.

17. If you can’t use that old bright color chair anymore, perhaps put a flower pot in it.

Not sure if the pot and chair were spray painted or not. Either way, the flowers are certainly pretty.

Not sure if the pot and chair were spray painted or not. Either way, the flowers are certainly pretty.

18. Want blue flowers in your path? Try this.

Now this garden only consists of daffodils, tulips, and violets. Still, a rather beautiful sight if you think about it.

Now this garden only consists of daffodils, tulips, and violets. Still, a rather beautiful sight if you think about it.

19. Of course, all garden plots should be bordered by hedges.

However, you can't make the shrubbery grow too much. And I'm sure this set up sets a low limit.

However, you can’t make the shrubbery grow too much. And I’m sure this set up sets a low limit. Still, it’s quite pretty.

20. When it’s spring, the trees in the garden have to have different color leaves and flowers.

Now this is from a botanical garden in Canada, possibly in the Pacific Northwest. This picture was probably taken during the early spring but it's quite a stunning sight.

Now this is from a botanical garden in Canada, possibly in the Pacific Northwest. This picture was probably taken during the early spring but it’s quite a stunning sight.

21. Got tin cans, why not use them as flower pots?

Sure cans might make good flower pots but I'm positive that size does matter in this case. Seriously, you're better off using a coffee can than a soup one. And I'm sure these fall among the latter.

Sure cans might make good flower pots but I’m positive that size does matter in this case. Seriously, you’re better off using a coffee can than a soup one. And I’m sure these fall among the latter.

22. I give you a flower sculpture of a lizard in a tree.

This is from the botanical garden in Montreal. Forget what kind of lizard this is but I'm sure it's natural habitat is the rain forests of South America. Definitely not an iguana because those are bigger and are vegetarians. This one eats bugs.

This is from the botanical garden in Montreal. Forget what kind of lizard this is but I’m sure it’s natural habitat is the rain forests of South America. Definitely not an iguana because those are bigger and are vegetarians. This one eats bugs.

23. Speaking of reptiles, there’s a giant snake in this garden.

This is a flower sculpture of a cobra at a botanical garden in Atlanta. Nevertheless, while snakes are best avoided, they tend to be a necessary evil when it comes to gardening, especially when it comes to vegetables. Seriously, they eat the critters who would munch on your peonies any day of the week.

This is a flower sculpture of a cobra at a botanical garden in Atlanta. Nevertheless, while snakes are best avoided, they tend to be a necessary evil when it comes to gardening, especially when it comes to vegetables. Seriously, they eat the critters who would munch on your peonies any day of the week.

24. For small garden scenes, you might want to go with bonsai trees.

At first you might think it's a little house in the country. That is, until you see that the entire scene is in a large pot.

At first you might think it’s a little house in the country. That is, until you see that the entire scene is in a large pot.

25. Sometimes planting in a giant teacup can do your garden wonders.

And it seems that this giant cup is overflowing with flora. Not sure where this is located for there's another one in the background.

And it seems that this giant cup is overflowing with flora. Not sure where this is located for there’s another one in the background.

26. Wonder how to stop that faucet from running. Wonder where the water comes from.

Yeah, I was asking how that faucet seems to appear out of nowhere. Then again, it probably has pipes hiding in the bushes.

Yeah, I was asking how that faucet seems to appear out of nowhere. Then again, it probably has pipes hiding in the bushes.

27. Now that’s what I call a butterfly garden.

Sure you've heard of butterfly gardens. But have you ever heard of a garden shaped like a butterfly? Seriously, this is pretty cool.

Sure you’ve heard of butterfly gardens. But have you ever heard of a garden shaped like a butterfly? Seriously, this is pretty cool.

28. Now this garden set up is so intricate and wild that you’d swear the landscapers were on acid.

Again, this is the Miracle Garden in Dubai known for it's bizarre landscaping and very high water bills. Seriously, it seems like the kind of garden you'd see at a Dr. Seuss theme park, on steroids. Hey, at least I'm not showing the city's architecture.

Again, this is the Miracle Garden in Dubai known for it’s bizarre landscaping and very high water bills. Seriously, it seems like the kind of garden you’d see at a Dr. Seuss theme park, on steroids. Hey, at least I’m not showing the city’s architecture.

29. For those with a lot of flat tires lying around, why don’t you just paint them and use them for planters?

Now this seems to be a great DIY garden idea. However, I'm not sure about the chickens being in there. They seem to detract from the beauty.

Now this seems to be a great DIY garden idea. However, I’m not sure about the chickens being in there. They seem to detract from the beauty.

30. This garden is so green that even the roofs have grass on them.

Now this is from the Coastal Maine Botanical Gardens, which seems to have more flowers than you'd expect a place so far north. Still, not sure if it inspires anything from Stephen King.

Now this is from the Coastal Maine Botanical Gardens, which seems to have more flowers than you’d expect a place so far north. Still, not sure if it inspires anything from Stephen King.

31. Of course, if you want a fairy garden scene but have little space, may I suggest making one in your old bathtub.

Now this seems like a perfect place for a pixie with cobblestone walks and a cute little house at the end. Maybe we need to use old bathtubs for planters more often.

Now this seems like a perfect place for a pixie with cobblestone walks and a cute little house at the end. Maybe we need to use old bathtubs for planters more often.

32. And here’s an even more intricate flower house with even brighter colors.

This is also from Dubai's Miracle Garden, by the way. Yes, I'm sure admission there isn't cheap by any means. Seriously, wonder how much money goes into their water bills since somebody has to pay for that.

This is also from Dubai’s Miracle Garden, by the way. Yes, I’m sure admission there isn’t cheap by any means. Seriously, wonder how much money goes into their water bills since somebody has to pay for that.

33. Of course, this garden sculpture is inspired by a tale as old as time.

I'm sure this one is from EPCOT since it has the international towns. This one is France. Nevertheless, I guess the yellow flowers either died or haven't come into bloom yet.

I’m sure this one is from EPCOT since it has the international towns. This one is France. Nevertheless, I guess the yellow flowers either died or haven’t come into bloom yet.

34. Now this flower garden shows the Circle of Life.

This is certainly from Disney but I'm not sure where. Still, I'm not sure if this scene perfectly captures Mufasa. But I'm sure Lion King fans everywhere would enjoy this.

This is certainly from Disney but I’m not sure where. Still, I’m not sure if this scene perfectly captures Mufasa. But I’m sure Lion King fans everywhere would enjoy this.

35. Now this broken down car demonstrates the ultimate flower power here.

Now not only are there flowers in both the trunk and the hood, but the whole care is decorated with them as well. Talk about repressed gardener/art major here.

Now not only are there flowers in both the trunk and the hood, but the whole care is decorated with them as well. Talk about repressed gardener/art major here.

36. Seems like this bush is crying lots of flowery tears.

Either this was done by professionals or a repressed landscaper with too much time on their hands. Either way, it's incredibly stunning and beyond my expertise.

Either this was done by professionals or a repressed landscaper with too much time on their hands. Either way, it’s incredibly stunning and beyond my expertise.

37. Anything can be used for a flower pot, you just have to use your imagination.

I'm not sure about planting flowers in a toaster or shoes. Then again, hope nobody plugs the toaster in, especially during a thunderstorm.

I’m not sure about planting flowers in a toaster or shoes. Then again, hope nobody plugs the toaster in, especially during a thunderstorm.

38. Sometimes garden designs can be quite standard and sometimes very intricate.

Now this is from a botanical garden from Sri Lanka. And I'm sure that design pertains to something from their culture. Not sure what it's supposed to be though.

Now this is from a botanical garden from Sri Lanka. And I’m sure that design pertains to something from their culture. Not sure what it’s supposed to be though.

39. Now this gardener seems to water the plants 24/7. Wonder why.

Oh, that's a gardener flower statue. Now that's interesting. Guess he doesn't get around much.

Oh, that’s a gardener flower statue. Now that’s interesting. Guess he doesn’t get around much.

40. You’ve heard of a flower bed. Well, wait until you see this.

Now this one takes the concept of "flower bed" a bit more literally than most. Of course, it uses an actual metal bed.

Now this one takes the concept of “flower bed” a bit more literally than most. Of course, it uses an actual metal bed.

41. Of course, you can always have your flower bed with canopy.

Now this is the kind of flower bed I'm talking about. Love the flowers of it and the vines. But please, no critters.

Now this is the kind of flower bed I’m talking about. Love the flowers of it and the vines. But please, no critters.

42. At botanical gardens, you’ll always need a floral clock.

This is from a botanical garden place in Fort Worth. And yes, floral clocks can be quite big. They have to be.

This is from a botanical garden place in Fort Worth. And yes, floral clocks can be quite big. They have to be.

43. Of course, nothing makes a flower garden more worthwhile than garden pandas.

Now I'm sure this is the only pair of adult pandas nobody has tried to mate. Mostly because they're made from foliage. Still cute, though.

Now I’m sure this is the only pair of adult pandas nobody has tried to mate. Mostly because they’re made from foliage. Still cute, though.

44. While canopies have been a main stay in flower gardens, hardly any contains as many umbrellas as this one.

Again, this is in the Miracle Garden in Dubai where the water bills are sky high. Still, it's amazing how they got the umbrellas to stand like that.

Again, this is in the Miracle Garden in Dubai where the water bills are sky high. Still, it’s amazing how they got the umbrellas to stand like that.

45. This statue of Mother Nature has animals coming right out of her hand.

Yes, she has deer in one hand and an eagle in the other as horses run near the fountain. By the way, this is in Montreal.

Yes, she has deer in one hand and an eagle in the other as horses run near the fountain. By the way, this is in Montreal.

46. Like a cauldron boiling over in your garden?

Yes, that's only moss in the pot. And those are only flowers posing as flames. But it's still pretty cool though.

Yes, that’s only moss in the pot. And those are only flowers posing as flames. But it’s still pretty cool though.

47. Of course, some of us would rather have our flowers in a Grecian urn.

Now I've seen this in a lot of gardens and you can get it in a store. But these flowers sure are pretty though.

Now I’ve seen this in a lot of gardens and you can get it in a store. But these flowers sure are pretty though.

48. Hey, I didn’t know they built Stonehenge in the jungle. Thought it was just a European thing.

This is in a public botanical garden in Thailand. The Stonehenge is just a replica. Sorry, Ancient Alien conspiracy theorists (a. k. a. idiots).

This is in a public botanical garden in Thailand. The Stonehenge is just a replica. Sorry, Ancient Alien conspiracy theorists (a. k. a. idiots).

49. If you need another planter, perhaps try your old bathtub.

Well, at least a tub somehow makes a great place for planting flowers. Still, love the selection in there.

Well, at least a tub somehow makes a great place for planting flowers. Still, love the selection in there.

50. Who knew you could plant flowers in your rubber boots?

I bet these are old rubber boots that no longer fit. And they don't have much flowers on them. Still, they'll go in the post.

I bet these are old rubber boots that no longer fit. And they don’t have much flowers on them. Still, they’ll go in the post.

51. To go with your flower bed, may I suggest a flower vanity?

I'm sure you can't put clothes in this. But flowers it will do. Hope the rain doesn't take the paint off.

I’m sure you can’t put clothes in this. But flowers it will do. Hope the rain doesn’t take the paint off.

52. What to do with that old log laying around? I know, plant flowers in it!

Now I think there's a log like this in my yard. Wonder if I should ask my dad to hollow it out so my mom can plant flowers in it. Of course, he'd probably refuse.

Now I think there’s a log like this in my yard. Wonder if I should ask my dad to hollow it out so my mom can plant flowers in it. Of course, he’d probably refuse.

53. Of course, you have to have flower baskets on your tricycle.

Now this is quite a garden party addition. Still, love the morning glories in the baskets.

Now this is quite a garden party addition. Still, love the morning glories in the baskets.

54. Need a planter? Split barrels.

I'm sure these are pre made since they look kind of fake. Besides, nobody uses wooden barrels anymore. Nevertheless, these flowers are pretty.

I’m sure these are pre made since they look kind of fake. Besides, nobody uses wooden barrels anymore. Nevertheless, these flowers are pretty.

55. When it comes to botanical gardens, many seem to be fit for a large palace.

Now this garden is from a large estate in France. And let me say, it's freaking huge. Still, must have an army of pruners somewhere.

Now this garden is from a large estate in France. And let me say, it’s freaking huge. Still, must have an army of pruners somewhere.

56. In many of these large botanical gardens, it’s sometimes customary to have a maze.

Now I'd really hate to get lost in that. Not sure where this one came from but the foliage is stunning.

Now I’d really hate to get lost in that. Not sure where this one came from but the foliage is stunning.

57. Heard of a flower bed? Now here’s a flower piano.

Sure it's a bit water logged and won't play a note. But at least the flowers and waterfall are pretty.

Sure it’s a bit water logged and won’t play a note. But at least the flowers and waterfall are pretty.

58. Looks like someone spilled the purple flowers. I wonder who that may be.

From the Images: "Waterfall blue lobelia - No other blue flower can match the intensity of Waterfall Blue lobelia, a perfect floral imitation of water flowing from the pot. Riverdene Gold Mexican Heather gives a lime green color around the container, and Rustic Orange coleus in behind looks good with the heather and the intense blue of the lobelia." Man, and I thought I said too much sometimes.

From the Images: “Waterfall blue lobelia – No other blue flower can match the intensity of Waterfall Blue lobelia, a perfect floral imitation of water flowing from the pot. Riverdene Gold Mexican Heather gives a lime green color around the container, and Rustic Orange coleus in behind looks good with the heather and the intense blue of the lobelia.” Man, and I thought I said too much sometimes.

59. For those who don’t have a log cabin in the woods, this garden miniature is for you.

Of course, the water is made from blue stones you might get at a craft store. But everything else seems to be derived from organic material. Man, I wonder how they make these things.

Of course, the water is made from blue stones you might get at a craft store. But everything else seems to be derived from organic material. Man, I wonder how they make these things.

60. Sometimes you just need a garden to match your patio.

Now this is a miniature garden containing a small patio with scooters. Still, it's quite creative and probably made by someone with too much time on their hands.

Now this is a miniature garden containing a small patio with scooters. Still, it’s quite creative and probably made by someone with too much time on their hands.

61. This flower bed is said to be the place to dream.

Of course, you'd probably wouldn't want to be caught sleeping in it. Or else, they'd probably kick you off their property. Still, it's a fitting naturalistic approach to bedrooms.

Of course, you’d probably wouldn’t want to be caught sleeping in it. Or else, they’d probably kick you off their property. Still, it’s a fitting naturalistic approach to bedrooms.

62. Seems like the flowers have taken over the shed in this garden.

Now this may be small but it's especially breathtaking. Of course, it helps that the flowers are purple in this case.

Now this may be small but it’s especially breathtaking. Of course, it helps that the flowers are purple in this case.

63. Looks like somebody messed with the wrong Viking.

Now I'm sure this is something from Norse Mythology or Wagner opera. Still, I'm sure the Vikings didn't have antlers on their helmets. Well, at least they don't have horns though.

Now I’m sure this is something from Norse Mythology or Wagner opera. Still, I’m sure the Vikings didn’t have antlers on their helmets. Well, at least they don’t have horns though.

64. I’m sure this stretch is for cyclists only.

Then again, I'm sure bikes wouldn't be allowed either. Still, I like the daisies on this though.

Then again, I’m sure bikes wouldn’t be allowed either. Still, I like the daisies on this though.

65. Have an old rickety boat? Plant flowers in it.

Let's hope this boat isn't being used for a Viking funeral. Sure would hate to see the flowers engulfed in a fiery blaze on the water.

Let’s hope this boat isn’t being used for a Viking funeral. Sure would hate to see the flowers engulfed in a fiery blaze on the water.

66. May I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Barrelpot.

Yes, these have flowers in them as well as umbrellas on top. But these are so cute.

Yes, these have flowers in them as well as umbrellas on top. But these are so cute.

67. On this Beetle, the flowers run wild like the hippies who already have a cabin in the woods.

Now this Beetle is way groovier than the other couple I have on this post. Of course, you probably can't drive in it though.

Now this Beetle is way groovier than the other couple I have on this post. Of course, you probably can’t drive in it though.

68. If you have any broken flower pots, create your own fairy pumpkin scene.

Now I'm sure the flowers aren't real but the foliage is. However, it's a perfect abode for small fairies, isn't it?

Now I’m sure the flowers aren’t real but the foliage is. However, it’s a perfect abode for small fairies, isn’t it?

69. When it comes to flower boats, some are fancier than others.

This is from a botanical garden in India and is quite large. Still, you have to love the pink and white stripes on this.

This is from a botanical garden in India and is quite large. Still, you have to love the pink and white stripes on this.

70. Now this peacock certainly has a purple train of feathers.

Now I know peacocks are male and don't have tail colors like this. Nevertheless, these flowers are beautiful for this garden.

Now I know peacocks are male and don’t have tail colors like this. Nevertheless, these flowers are beautiful for this garden.

71. In the botanical garden scheme, sometimes they can come in all kinds of patterns.

This is from a botanical garden in Madeira which is in the Mediterranean. Still, quite lovely but I'm not sure about the colors.

This is from a botanical garden in Madeira which is in the Mediterranean. Still, quite lovely but I’m not sure about the colors.

72. When it comes to flowers, sometimes you’d find them in violins.

Of course, this isn't a real violin. But I'm sure the flowers are beautiful in this planter.

Of course, this isn’t a real violin. But I’m sure the flowers are beautiful in this planter.

73. In butterfly gardens, the flower butterflies can come in all shapes and sizes.

I'm not sure where this is from. But I love the flowers on this, especially the purple ones.

I’m not sure where this is from. But I love the flowers on this, especially the purple ones.

74. I’m sure these peabirds would get along fine.

Now I think this is from an indoor botanical garden. But I hope the lighter one is a peahen and not a peacock, not that there's anything wrong with it. But it's just that, well, nevermind.

Now I think this is from an indoor botanical garden. But I hope the lighter one is a peahen and not a peacock, not that there’s anything wrong with it. But it’s just that, well, never mind. It’s just it would be very awkward if one of them should be queen.

75. When it comes to flower boats, some can run quite wild.

Now I'm sure this rickety wooden boat isn't good for the water. But that doesn't mean you can throw it away if you can still plant flowers in it.

Now I’m sure this rickety wooden boat isn’t good for the water. But that doesn’t mean you can throw it away if you can still plant flowers in it.

76. Another great planter for flowers is a little red wagon. Also great for transporting flowers, too.

Now I'm not sure whether the red wagon should be used for this. Nevertheless, the flowers are quite pretty to say the least.

Now I’m not sure whether the red wagon should be used for this. Nevertheless, the flowers are quite pretty to say the least.

77. You heard about planting flowers in a wheelbarrow. How about flowers in a wooden cart?

Now I'm sure the cart was painting and isn't pulled by a horse. But the flowers are quite gorgeous in it.

Now I’m sure the cart was painting and isn’t pulled by a horse. But the flowers are quite gorgeous in it.

78. When it comes to gardens, I’m sure nothing can flowers can make a purple hear.

Of course, this is probably in a botanical garden and erected from the ground. But it's nonetheless beautiful, especially since it's purple.

Of course, this is probably in a botanical garden and erected from the ground. But it’s nonetheless beautiful, especially since it’s purple.

79. Of course, you can always put your flowers in a worn out baby grand piano.

I'm sure the lid provides these beauties with ample shade. I'm sure they are quite lovely in the sun just the same.

I’m sure the lid provides these beauties with ample shade. I’m sure they are quite lovely in the sun just the same.

80. Wooden buckets make great flower pots, especially if you want to plant a lot of them in the same spot.

Of course, you can buy these large wooden buckets at any hardware or department store like Wal Mart or K Mart. Nevertheless, these flowers are quite beautiful in them.

Of course, you can buy these large wooden buckets at any hardware or department store like Wal Mart or K Mart. Nevertheless, these flowers are quite beautiful in them.