Monthly Archives: November 2016

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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As I demonstrated before in my last 2 vintage Christmas card posts, people tend to gravitate toward these cards during the holidays for their cozy artwork and cutesy imagery. Yet, as I’ve also showed before, not all vintage Christmas cards are as lovely as this one above or the ones you remember. I like this image since it has a lovely candle inside a lantern along with holly berries and leaves as well as a red bow. Sure it’s kind of an image you’d expect from a Christmas card. But if I devote an entire post to the lovely vintage Christmas cards many of you may go for, then I won’t have anyone to view it. So instead again, I’ll stick to the ones that many of my older viewers would rather forget. You know ones that might make you scratch your head since they don’t make much sense. Or ones you probably didn’t know even existed. So for your reading holiday pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage Christmas cards from yesterday.

  1. “I hope your Christmas stocking will be full from top to toe.”
"So what can be in here? Switchblades? Handguns? Traps? This is going to be the best most dangerous game ever."

“So what can be in here? Switchblades? Handguns? Traps? This is going to be the best most dangerous game ever.”

2. Merry Christmas to the children who go to great lengths to see Santa.

"Kid, you're supposed to send me a letter to the North Pole of what you want for Christmas. Not go to deliver it personally in my workshop. Also, you'll probably freeze to death in that outfit."

“Kid, you’re supposed to send me a letter to the North Pole of what you want for Christmas. Not go to deliver it personally in my workshop. Also, you’ll probably freeze to death in that outfit.”

3. Frosty the Snowman would like to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Okay, that has to be one of the creepiest snowmen I've seen. Also, why does he have shamrocks? That's for the wrong holiday.

Okay, that has to be one of the creepiest snowmen I’ve seen. Also, why does he have shamrocks? That’s for the wrong holiday.

4. You never know what you’ll find in Santa’s sack or under his cloak.

So he has a bunch of child angels under his cloak. So what happened to these kids? Did they die? Did Santa kidnap them?

So he has a bunch of child angels under his cloak. So what happened to these kids? Did they die? Did Santa kidnap them?

5. During the Christmas season, you’ll often find Santa answering letters in his workshop.

"Little Jimmy wants a new iPad? That's like the 1,000th one this week. This answering letters is a pain in my ass."

“Little Jimmy wants a new iPad? That’s like the 1,000th one this week. This answering letters is a pain in my ass.”

6. Bad kids this Christmas should beware of the Krampus who gives them a good beating and abduction they deserve.

However, this card doesn't help that Krampus smacks the smallest kid while the other children seem straight from your nightmares. Wish he went after the girl in the yellow dress. She's creepy.

However, this card doesn’t help that Krampus smacks the smallest kid while the other children seem straight from your nightmares. Wish he went after the girl in the yellow dress. She’s creepy.

7. Of course, Santa can always enjoy a good time now and then.

But dancing with a woman who's not Mrs. Claus? That'll probably put him in the North Pole doghouse for awhile. Bad Santa.

But dancing with a woman who’s not Mrs. Claus? That’ll probably put him in the North Pole doghouse for awhile. Bad Santa.

8. May your Christmas with friends and family make you as chummy as these clams.

To be fair, this is a British card. However, why they have standing clams looking at a ship is the question. Yeah, probably inspired by a Victorian drug trip.

To be fair, this is a British card. However, why they have standing clams looking at a ship is the question. Yeah, probably inspired by a Victorian drug trip.

9. Merry Christmas from Santa on his magic carpet ride.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. Here we have Santa on a magic carpet with a jet plane in the background. Aladdin and Jasmine were in a similar situation on SNL.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Here we have Santa on a magic carpet with a jet plane in the background. Aladdin and Jasmine were in a similar situation on SNL.

10. This Christmas please make sure you mind what you’re cooking for dinner.

Because you'll never know what kind of brown ball thing would jump at you. Yes, that goose really didn't know what was coming to her.

Because you’ll never know what kind of brown ball thing would jump at you. Yes, that goose really didn’t know what was coming to her.

11. Christmas dinner monster wishes you a merry Christmas.

Talk about your food coming to life and haunting your dreams. Really don't want to know what that thing is.

Talk about your food coming to life and haunting your dreams. Really don’t want to know what that thing is.

12. “Don’t you remember when you felt like this on Christmas morning?”

What do you mean? Getting the shakes? Because this boy seems like he's possessed by some demon or something. I mean something's not right with him.

What do you mean? Getting the shakes? Because this boy seems like he’s possessed by some demon or something. I mean something’s not right with him.

13. Somewhere in town Santa stops to take a smoking break.

And these boys just have to pop up to steal some of his stash behind his back. Nice, kids. what a great way to get yourselves on the naughty list.

And these boys just have to pop up to steal some of his stash behind his back. Nice, kids. what a great way to get yourselves on the naughty list.

14. Merry Christmas now enjoy this picture of a child performing a circus act with a dog riding a pig.

I really have no idea what the hell this has to do with Christmas. Yet, let's hope the dog and pig don't get whipped by the kid.

I really have no idea what the hell this has to do with Christmas. Yet, let’s hope the dog and pig don’t get whipped by the kid.

15. You never know what goes on in your Christmas tree.

After all, a red Christmas candle could be making out with a sugar plum for all I know. Still, don't know why they thought this was a good idea.

After all, a red Christmas candle could be making out with a sugar plum for all I know. But the sugar plum will have to watch out if he doesn’t want to get burned. Still, don’t know why they thought this was a good idea.

16. On Christmas, holly always goes well with mistletoe.

And it looks like these children are about to kiss each other in a romantic embrace which isn't age appropriate in the least. Seriously, if they wanted to do a card of holly and mistletoe making out why use kids? Couldn't they just use 2 adults instead?

And it looks like these children are about to kiss each other in a romantic embrace which isn’t age appropriate in the least. Seriously, if they wanted to do a card of holly and mistletoe making out why use kids? Couldn’t they just use 2 adults instead? That’s not right.

17. Of course, there’s always that one kid who’s cared of Santa Claus.

This is especially the case when Santa tends to resemble an old red suited dwarf from the Hobbit who's no bigger than the kid. Yeah, I can see why that kid would freak out.

This is especially the case when Santa tends to resemble an old red suited dwarf from the Hobbit who’s no bigger than the kid. Yeah, I can see why that kid would freak out.

18. Children are always excited to see what Santa left for them under the tree.

But Santa better watch out for these children, especially the younger one. Because if he didn't bring them what they wanted, that dark hair kid is sure to commit bloody murder on him.

But Santa better watch out for these children, especially the younger one. Because if he didn’t bring them what they wanted, that dark hair kid is sure to commit bloody murder on him.

19. Pothead wishes you compliments of the season.

Yes, this gives a whole new meaning to the term, "pothead." And I'm sure he'll pour boiling water on you if you piss him off. Still, wouldn't be surprised if this card was designed by potheads though it was made before the 1960s.

Yes, this gives a whole new meaning to the term, “pothead.” And I’m sure he’ll pour boiling water on you if you piss him off. Still, wouldn’t be surprised if this card was designed by potheads though it was made before the 1960s.

20. Hope you have all the luck this Christmas.

Once again, we have offensive black stereotypes at the forefront. No, I don't think a black maid and her daughter will have much luck. Still, racism was prevalent in this time and it shows.

Once again, we have offensive black stereotypes at the forefront. No, I don’t think a black maid and her daughter will have much luck. Still, racism was prevalent in this time and it shows.

21. Remember, kids, be good this Christmas or the Krampus will get you.

Even St. Nick is like, "Jesus, Krampus, you're supposed to kidnap spoiled brats! Those are fucking babies! Not cool."

Even St. Nick is like, “Jesus, Krampus, you’re supposed to kidnap spoiled brats! Those are fucking babies! Not cool.”

22. Like Santa, Krampus even has his own little helpers to assist him.

Though Krampus tends to kidnap and punish naughty children on Christmas, he likes to involve his kids in the trade. For a scary guy like him, you at least have to respect that.

Though Krampus tends to kidnap and punish naughty children on Christmas, he likes to involve his kids in the trade. For a scary guy like him, you at least have to respect that.

23. How about Krampus join you riding on your rocking horse?

Okay, I can understand why this kid can be scared since Krampus has chains. But somehow I find it hard to take seriously.

Okay, I can understand why this kid can be scared since Krampus has chains. But somehow I find it hard to take seriously.

24. As we all know, once Santa makes a stop, it’s down the chimney he goes.

I don't know about Santa's face in this one. For some reason, he doesn't seem like his jolly old self here.

I don’t know about Santa’s face in this one. For some reason, he doesn’t seem like his jolly old self here. Guess the work must really get to him.

25. Instead of Santa Claus giving presents from his sack in his sleigh, how about an angel shooting present from a tank?

After shooting presents from a tank is much more efficient. Still, this just strange to me.

After shooting presents from a tank is much more efficient. Still, this just strange to me.

26. Christmas time is always one of merriment and good cheer.

However, if you belong to a group of street musicians, you might want to watch out for old ladies dumping water on you. Hate to be the drummer here.

However, if you belong to a group of street musicians, you might want to watch out for old ladies dumping water on you. Hate to be the drummer here.

27. “As the master of Christmas ceremonies, I declare we have ribs as the main course.”

Yes, I know what you're thinking. See the king dub the ribs while the poultry and pigs are watching in clothes. Don't ask me to make sense of it.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. See the king dub the ribs while the poultry and pigs are watching in clothes. Don’t ask me to make sense of it.

28. This Christmas, perhaps take your time to see the frog parade.

You tend to see frogs a lot in Victorian Christmas cards for some strange reason. And this consists of a frog procession. Don't ask me why.

You tend to see frogs a lot in Victorian Christmas cards for some strange reason. And this consists of a frog procession. Don’t ask me why.

29. Speaking of frogs, these stretching ones wish a merry Christmas to you.

Once again, I can't explain this. Nor do I understand why they have their legs in the air. Perhaps this is a frog aerobic session for all I know.

Once again, I can’t explain this. Nor do I understand why they have their legs in the air. Perhaps this is a frog aerobic session for all I know. Or did they just fall on the ice?

30. Celebrate this Christmas like a group of drunk birds this time of year.

Even the cat is like, "Man, this is fucked up." Two of them are even passed out on their backs. Guess they must really party hard.

Even the cat is like, “Man, this is fucked up.” Two of them are even passed out on their backs. Guess they must really party hard.

31. “Do you want to build a snowman?”

Of course, in Victorian times, building a snowman with your friends was one way you could freak out the neighbors. Olaf from Frozen it ain't.

Of course, in Victorian times, building a snowman with your friends was one way you could freak out the neighbors. Olaf from Frozen it ain’t.

32. Aside from making toys and answering letters, sometimes Santa takes to the spinning wheel.

For some reason, not only is Santa skinny, but he also doesn't seem to be jolly. Guess he's pissed that he had to go on a diet and now takes spinning every time he things about food other than meal times.

For some reason, not only is Santa skinny, but he also doesn’t seem to be jolly. Guess he’s pissed that he had to go on a diet and now takes spinning every time he things about food other than meal times.

33. “Susie, I have for you a new doll just what you always wanted.”

Uh, Susie, are you sure that's Santa and not some creep with a windowless carriage? Because I have my doubts.

Uh, Susie, are you sure that’s Santa and not some creep with a windowless carriage? Because I have my doubts.

34. “Well! This looks good.”

Santa seems to have his eye on the sleeping girl here. Yeah, that looks very creepy if you ask me.

Santa seems to have his eye on the sleeping girl here. Yeah, that looks very creepy if you ask me.

35. Nothing says Christmas like a couple of chickens sled riding.

Even crazier is that they have human hands. Don't ask me why they thought it was a good idea. It was probably inspired by a Victorian acid trip.

Even crazier is that they have human hands. Don’t ask me why they thought it was a good idea. It was probably inspired by a Victorian acid trip.

36. Remember, kids, don’t interrupt Frosty the Snowman when he’s sleeping in.

Or else, you'll probably end up like these kids if you disturb him. Yes, you wouldn't want to be around Frosty when he's angry.

Or else, you’ll probably end up like these kids if you disturb him. Yes, you wouldn’t want to be around Frosty when he’s angry.

37. “May Christmas time be full of pleasure/And Santa bring you many a treasure.”

From Bytes: "An extraordinarily gifted child with the brush. Is it me or does the ladder seem to not be leaning against the wall at the right angle when compared to the writing?" He better watch it if he doesn't want to break his neck.

From Bytes: “An extraordinarily gifted child with the brush. Is it me or does the ladder seem to not be leaning against the wall at the right angle when compared to the writing?” He better watch it if he doesn’t want to break his neck.

38. “Wishing you a right merry Christmas!”

Don't worry, kids, the creepy clown is too busy eating to kill you at the moment. Still, don't go near him since he's holding a knife.

Don’t worry, kids, the creepy clown is too busy eating to kill you at the moment. Still, don’t go near him since he’s holding a knife.

39. Some children buy Christmas cards, some make their own.

"I'll send this one to my cousin Lucy and inside I'll write that I hope she comes to a terrible and painful end. That'll show her not to steal my stamp collection."

“I’ll send this one to my cousin Lucy and inside I’ll write that I hope she comes to a terrible and painful end. That’ll show her not to steal my stamp collection.”

40. These birds wish you a joyful yuletide.

Yet, as to why they're flying in a holly wreath, I have absolutely no idea. I mean.birds fly while holly leaves have thorns on them.

Yet, as to why they’re flying in a holly wreath, I have absolutely no idea. I mean.birds fly while holly leaves have thorns on them.

41. On Christmas, treat yourself to dinner and a show.

Well, I've heard the expression "dinner and a show" but this is utterly ridiculous. This is especially since they each have their heads on a plate.

Well, I’ve heard the expression “dinner and a show” but this is utterly ridiculous. This is especially since they each have their heads on a plate.

42. Looks like Santa decided to drop in this time of night on Christmas Eve.

However, looking at the window, I have a reasonable suspicion he showed up early because he thinks the mom is hot. Sure he may be naughty here, but it's possible these kids will receive wonderful Christmas presents.

However, looking at the window, I have a reasonable suspicion he showed up early because he thinks the mom is hot. Sure he may be naughty here, but it’s possible these kids will receive wonderful Christmas presents.

43. A merry Christmas to the woman who snagged Frosty the Snowman’s head.

Okay, this is messed up on so many levels. The snowman has no body yet, he's smiling. What the hell?

Okay, this is messed up on so many levels. The snowman has no body yet, he’s smiling. What the hell?

44. Merry Christmas and hope you can hunt foxes from that toy horse.

I know that fox hunts are customary in England. But toy horse hunts? What?

I know that fox hunts are customary in England. But toy horse hunts? What?

45. On Christmas Eve, you can expect Santa to to give you presents from his large sack of toys.

However, this Santa has a very sinister grin on his face that might suggest he plans to do something terrible once he's down the chimney. I don't know what but I have a bad feeling about this.

However, this Santa has a very sinister grin on his face that might suggest he plans to do something terrible once he’s down the chimney. I don’t know what but I have a bad feeling about this.

46. Merry Christmas and please accept your presents dropped from the plane.

These kids receive gifts and baskets from the plane like they're expecting relief packaging. And there's no Santa in sight.

These kids receive gifts and baskets from the plane like they’re expecting relief packaging. And there’s no Santa in sight.

47. A merry Christmas from the snowman trying to keep dry.

Because it seems like he's not enjoying the yuletide season for good reason. Guess he'll become snow slush any time now.

Because it seems like he’s not enjoying the yuletide season for good reason. Guess he’ll become snow slush any time now.

48. The yam man would like to extend his Christmas greetings.

Okay, he has the head of a man. Yet, his body is all roots. Please don't ask me. I have no idea why they thought it would make a good Christmas card.

Okay, he has the head of a man. Yet, his body is all roots. Please don’t ask me. I have no idea why they thought it would make a good Christmas card.

49. For Christmas, anyone is lucky to see 2 angles on a motorcycle.

Not sure if angel robes would make great to ride a motorcycle like that. Also, don't they have wings to use for flying? Doesn't make sense.

Not sure if angel robes would make great to ride a motorcycle like that. Also, don’t they have wings to use for flying? Doesn’t make sense.

50.  These cats are outside this Christmas waiting to greet you.

Because nothing says Christmas like seeing cats in tall hats armed with clubs. Don't like how this is going down.

Because nothing says Christmas like seeing cats in tall hats armed with clubs. Guess “greet” means “bet senseless to the ground.” Don’t like how this will going down.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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During the summer time, while the rest of us are having fun in the sun and possibly going on vacation if they’re lucky, many of your favorite celebrity music performers are busy recording their Christmas albums. So by this time, they’d be ready for sale this holiday season so you and your loved ones can enjoy some holiday favorites. Of course, Christmas albums have been all the rage for a very long time. I ought to know since I already completed two posts of some of the bad covers. And I decided to do another since the depth of bad Christmas album covers is endless. Sure you might find them horrifying beyond description like a trainwreck or this year’s election (which saw an unrespectable man ascend to the presidency and over 60 million people were conned into voting for him). Yet, you might some unintentionally funny. And if you’re over a certain age, you might find some Christmas album covers on here that you’d rather forget. So for your holiday reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of horrendous Christmas albums from yesterday.

  1. Dr. Duke Tumatoe: It’s Christmas
Yet, there's a blurb that says, "(Let's have sex)." As if I think a guy like that in a Santa suit is sexy. Not.

Yet, there’s a blurb that says, “(Let’s have sex).” As if I think a guy like that in a Santa suit is sexy. Actually, it’s kind of creepy.

An album featuring a dancing Santa is always a delight to look at.

2. Bob Dylan: Sings Holiday Favorites

Yeah, that Santa hat is totally photoshopped. Also, Dylan, if you should release a Christmas album the next time, let it be one where you write the songs.

Yeah, that Santa hat is totally photoshopped. Also, Dylan, if you should release a Christmas album the next time, let it be one where you write the songs.

If you like Christmas music and crave the nasal voices of folk rock, this album is for you.

3. Garth Brooks: Garth Brooks & the Magic of Christmas

So I guess that Garth Brooks moonlights as a fortune teller. Or some sort of dark seer bandit from the Old West.

So I guess that Garth Brooks moonlights as a fortune teller. Or some sort of dark seer bandit from the Old West.

If you’re into Christmas, country, and the occult supernatural, Garth Brooks got you covered.

4. Raymond Lefevre and His Orchestra: Merry Christmas

That stack of presents doesn't look steady and seems about ready to fall. But the woman in here doesn't seem upset about it at all. She just keeps smiling.

That stack of presents doesn’t look steady and seems about ready to fall. But the woman in here doesn’t seem upset about it at all. She just keeps smiling.

This album cover shows you can never carry enough presents in your hands.

5. 38 Special: A Wild-Eyed Christmas

Okay, eyeball ornaments are utterly creepy and not suited for Christmas at all. So why did they think this album cover was a good idea?

Okay, eyeball ornaments are utterly creepy and not suited for Christmas at all. So why did they think this album cover was a good idea?

During the yuletide season, even the ornaments have their eyes on you.

6. Kenny Chesney: All I Want For Christmas Is a Real Assed Tan

I heard that Kenny Chesney used a similar photo shot for his audition for Magic Mike but was rejected. So he decided to go for a variation for his Christmas album.

I heard that Kenny Chesney used a similar photo shot for his audition for Magic Mike but was rejected. So he decided to go for a variation for his Christmas album. Still, spending time on the beach isn’t Christmas to me.

Because nothing says a country Christmas like wintering in Boca Raton.

7. John Waters: A John Waters Christmas

To be fair, he's more of a dark comic writer. Yet, if there's a fire in your house, you just have to do something about it. Like get a fire extinguisher and call 911.

To be fair, he’s more of a dark comic writer. Yet, if there’s a fire in your house, you just have to do something about it. Like get a fire extinguisher and call 911.

For John Waters not even a fire among the presents will keep him from enjoying the holiday season.

8. The Mistletoe Disco Band: Christmas Disco

Yes, Christmas disco albums do exist. But at least this album didn't feature Santa Claus in a red polyester suit. Because that would've been worse.

Yes, Christmas disco albums do exist. But at least this album didn’t feature Santa Claus in a red polyester suit. Because that would’ve been worse.

Now you can listen to your Christmas favorites to the sound that reminds you of the 1970s or Europeans.

9. Chabelo: Chabelo en Navidad

Sure he'll freeze his ass off in these clothes. But to add insult to injury, he's also wearing socks with sandals. You know committing one of the cardinal sins of fashion.

Sure he’ll freeze his ass off in these clothes during the winter. But to add insult to injury, he’s also wearing socks with sandals. You know committing one of the cardinal sins of fashion.

For there is no better winter attire than your golf course attire in May.

10. Les Chaussettes Noires

It's even funnier that they're dressed with red capes on their heads and robes. It's like they're dressed in a cross between Merlin and Santa Claus. Yes, it's kind of weird.

It’s even funnier that they’re dressed with red capes on their heads and robes. It’s like they’re dressed in a cross between Merlin and Santa Claus. Yes, it’s kind of weird.

Ever imagined a Santa rock band? Now you don’t need to.

11. Christmas Disco Party

Yeah, Santa, wait until Mrs. Claus finds out about you and that blonde. Boy, you're sleeping in the doghouse tonight.

Yeah, Santa, wait until Mrs. Claus finds out about you and that blonde. Boy, you’re sleeping in the doghouse tonight.

That moment when Santa comes to his senses that fooling around with a dancing swimsuit model might put him on the naughty list.

12. Midnight String Quartet: Christmas Rhapsodies for Young Lovers

Sure they may list traditional hits. But the vibes I get from this picture is "Baby It's Cold Outside."

Sure they may list traditional hits. But the vibes I get from this picture is “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” You know the one where the woman wants to go home while the guy wants her to stay and well, you get the idea.

Finally, a the kind of Christmas album that can get 20-somethings in the mood for romance.

13. Liberace: Twas the Night Before Christmas

So what did Liberace do to get a coat of so much fur? Shoot a polar bear? Seems reasonable enough.

So what did Liberace do to get a coat of so much fur? Shoot a polar bear? Seems reasonable enough.

Because it Can’t be Christmas without seeing Liberace in his long fur coat of glory.

14. Gayla Peevey: I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

You probably remember the song on this album. But at least the cover goes to great lengths why any child shouldn't want a hippopotamus for Christmas. I mean hippos kill more people in Africa than lions.

You probably remember the song on this album. But at least the cover goes to great lengths why any child shouldn’t want a hippopotamus for Christmas. I mean hippos kill more people in Africa than lions.

For nothing makes a girl jump for joy on Christmas than a scarily dressed hippo that could eat her alive.

15. Sufjan Stevens: Sufjan Stevens Presents Astral Interplanetary Space Captain Christmas Infinity Voyage

Too bad the space captain will probably suffocate in there and die. Since a turban won't protect him in the vacuum of space. Also, that's not Sufjan Stevens.

Too bad the space captain will probably suffocate in there and die. Since a turban won’t protect him in the vacuum of space. Also, that’s not Sufjan Stevens.

Sufjan Stevens would like to wish you all Merry Christmas from space.

16. Lawrence Welk: Christmas Memories

My dad used to dread watching Lawrence Welk when he was a kid. Looking at this album cover, I can totally understand why. He seems like he could break into your house and kill you with an accordion any moment.

My dad used to dread watching Lawrence Welk when he was a kid. Looking at this album cover, I can totally understand why. He seems like he could break into your house and kill you with an accordion any moment.

Nothing says Christmas like bandleader being a massive creep in his Santa suit.

17. Merry Cajun Christmas Volume Two

Uh, doesn't Santa have a sleigh that he doesn't need to row among gators? Or creepy banjo players? Seriously, he has a flying reindeer pulled sleigh for God's sake!

Uh, doesn’t Santa have a sleigh that he doesn’t need to row among gators? Or creepy banjo players? Seriously, he has a flying reindeer pulled sleigh for God’s sake!

Santa Claus has to be a brave man to deliver presents to the boys and girls while dodging a river of hungry gators.

18. Eartha Kitt: Santa Baby

At least Eartha Kitt's pose sitting on Santa's lap doesn't shy away from what the song is about. Of course, Mrs. Claus wouldn't approve.

At least Eartha Kitt’s pose sitting on Santa’s lap doesn’t shy away from what the song is about. Of course, Mrs. Claus wouldn’t approve.

For some women just can’t help but think Santa Claus as the ultimate sugar daddy.

19. Afroman: Afroman’s Colt 45 Christmas: Original Uncut Version

This Christmas album cover is kind of depressing if you ask me. It could just as well be used for the soundtrack to The Wire.

This Christmas album cover is kind of depressing if you ask me. It seems like a more appropriate cover for the soundtrack to the Wire, than on anything to do with the holidays.

As we know Christmas can be a time of cold weather and cold malt liquor.

20. Cyndi Lauper: Merry Christmas….Have a Nice Life!

Guess she's thinking, "Oh, God, why did they make me do this? And how long do I have to sit next to this red suited creep?"

Guess she’s thinking, “Oh, God, why did they make me do this? And how long do I have to sit next to this red suited creep?”

For some reason, Cyndi Lauper always dreaded visiting Santa at the mall.

21. The Hiltonaires with the Tony Mansell Singers: Swingin’ in a Winter Wonderland

Don't ask me but Sant seems a bit pervy toward that girl in this one. And I'm not sure how old this girl is. Sure hope she's 18.

Don’t ask me but Sant seems a bit pervy toward that girl in this one. And I’m not sure how old this girl is. Sure hope she’s 18.

Santa Claus always enjoys dancing with skimpy clad women around the Christmas tree.

22. The Pac Man Christmas Story

So I guess this story consists of gorging through a maze without being seen by goblins. Because that's what the game is like.

So I guess this story consists of gorging through a maze without being seen by goblins. Because that’s what the game is like. Yet, this suggests otherwise.

Ever wish you had a Christmas album of an Atari video game. Look no further.

23. Student Nurses Sing the Season In

Hits include: "They Three Drunks of SantaCon Are," "Bedpans We Have Heard on High," "I'll Be On Call for Christmas," and "Away in a Gurney." You know stuff nurses have to deal with over the holidays.

Hits include: “They Three Drunks of SantaCon Are,” “Bedpans We Have Heard on High,” “I’ll Be On Call for Christmas,” and “Away in a Gurney.” You know stuff nurses have to deal with over the holidays.

For nothing brings bright holiday cheer than student nurses singing Christmas carols.

24. What Can You Get a Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?)

Yes, they did songs like these back in the day. They even had a Star Wars Christmas special. Still, this cover of Chewbacca is hilarious.

Yes, they did songs like these back in the day. They even had a Star Wars Christmas special. Still, this cover of Chewbacca is hilarious.

Uh, I can guess a set of hair brushes and combs suited for musk oxen. Or a vacuum to clean up after himself?

25. Henry Mancini, His Orchestra, and Chorus: A Merry Mancini Christmas

Still, it doesn't seem like the who crew really wants to participate. His daughter next to his wife seems like she's dragged into doing the stupid photoshoot and feels like the kids at school will make fun at her for it. On the bright side, I hope it has some Christmas songs in the Pink Panther or Peter Gunn theme. That would be awesome.

Still, it doesn’t seem like the who crew really wants to participate. His daughter next to his wife seems like she’s dragged into doing the stupid photoshoot and feels like the kids at school will make fun at her for it. On the bright side, I hope it has some Christmas songs in the Pink Panther or Peter Gunn theme. That would be awesome.

Of course, when you’re a famous composer it helps to put your family on the Christmas album cover.

26. Universal Robot Band: Disco Christmas

This whole album design seems like it was madeby someone on acid. Because nothing about it makes any logical sense.

This whole album design seems like it was madeby someone on acid. Because nothing about it makes any logical sense.

Listen to the songs that would make Santa and his reindeer boogie this holiday season in space.

27. Pepsi Feliz Navidad!

Okay, I know they're drinking pop. But did they really have to show kids drinking from wine glasses? Because it looks like a classic case of underage drinking.

Okay, I know they’re drinking pop, not red wine. But did they really have to show kids drinking from wine glasses? Because it looks like a classic case of underage drinking.

The holidays are always a time of year to give a toast to new beginnings.

28. Lawrence Welk: Merry Christmas from Lawrence Welk and His Champagne Music

Because if his nightmarish face didn't scare you, note his tree seems covered in cobwebs. And no, that sight doesn't make me merry.

Because if his nightmarish face didn’t scare you, note his tree seems covered in cobwebs. And no, that sight doesn’t make me merry.

Merry Christmas from the creepy bandleader your grandparents probably like and his nightmare before Christmas tree.

29. Le Vrai Pere Noel Chante

That kid in buckskin really doesn't look like an Indian. And I'm not sure about the kid in Asian dress either. Also, the Santa with these kids is guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

That kid in buckskin really doesn’t look like an Indian. And I’m not sure about the kid in Asian dress either. Also, the Santa with these kids is guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

Think of it as a Village People children’s Christmas album but more racist.

30. Leon Russell: Moonlight & Love Songs

To be fair, the late Leon Russell did perform at Woodstock and was renowned in his own right. But his Christmas album makes him seem like Santa who knows that you've been really bad this year. Not sure why the dog is here.

To be fair, the late Leon Russell did perform at Woodstock and was renowned in his own right. But his Christmas album makes him seem like Santa who knows that you’ve been really bad this year. Not sure why the dog is here.

There’s nothing like it on Christmas than posing for an album with the dog that best matches your beard in a black background.

31. Charles Bronson: Twas the Night Before Bronson

I find it hard to imagine a guy like Charles Bronson having a Christmas album unless it includes anything revenge oriented. Also, that Christmas hat doesn't help matters at all.

I find it hard to imagine a guy like Charles Bronson having a Christmas album unless it includes anything revenge oriented. Also, that Christmas hat doesn’t help matters at all.

Now you can hear action star Charles Bronson sing your holiday favorites.

32. Antonio Fargas: It’s Christmas

On Starsky and Hutch, Huggy Bear was a police informant who talked jive and was ethically ambiguous. He also dressed flashy and operated his own bar. You can guess where this is going....

On Starsky and Hutch, Huggy Bear was a police informant who talked jive and was ethically ambiguous. He also dressed flashy and operated his own bar. You can guess where this is going….

Fans of Starsky and Hutch will certainly like this Christmas album from Huggy Bear.

33. Michala Petri: Noel! Noel! Noel! Christmas with Michala Petri

It's said Ms. Petri has her choir boys to surround her in order to keep her warm as she plays her bassoon. Yeah, I know the snowy backdrop bit doesn't make sense.

It’s said Ms. Petri has her choir boys to surround her in order to keep her warm as she plays her bassoon. Yeah, I know the snowy backdrop bit doesn’t make sense.

Nothing says Christmas like a singer surrounded by choir boys in a snowy mountain backdrop.

34. Roger Whittaker: The Roger Whittaker Christmas Album

If it weren't for that fur coat, you'd think this man would just be some guy on the street who's secretly a serial killer. Then again, maybe I assume too much.

If it weren’t for that fur coat, you’d think this man would just be some guy on the street who’s secretly a serial killer. Then again, maybe I assume too much.

Or the kind of album you’d expect to be made by that freaky guy in accounting.

35. Tijuana Voices with Brass: Sing Merry Christmas

However, according to the album, they even suggest that Tijuana women are known for their distinctive mustaches. Don't say we didn't warn you.

However, according to the album, they even suggest that Tijuana women are known for their distinctive mustaches. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Christmas time is always a festive occasion in Tijuana, Mexico.

36. Exciting Christmas Stories

Batman looks as if he has rabies while Wondy and Superman don't seem concerned about it. Okay, he's wearing a Santa beard. But still, it's disturbing.

Batman looks as if he has rabies while Wondy and Superman don’t seem concerned about it. Okay, he’s wearing a Santa beard. But still, it’s disturbing.

Kids, share your Christmas by listening to tales about your favorite DC Comics superheroes.

37. Elton John: Elton John’s Christmas Party

Uh, Elton, I like your music and all. But I think we're all a bit freaked out about you having a record at your crotch. Just letting you know.

Uh, Elton, I like your music and all. But I think we’re all a bit freaked out about you having a record at your crotch. Just letting you know.

Celebrate Christmas with the music of the legendary Sir Elton John.

38. Liberace: Christmas Memories

Now I can understand why Liberace decides to dress in lavish furs at the piano. Yeah, too gangster.

Now I can understand why Liberace decides to dress in lavish furs at the piano. Yeah, too gangster.

Those who want to see Liberace dressed as Nucky Thompson need not look further.

39. Wham!: Last Christmas

From First Draft: "Poor Andrew Ridgely. Wasn’t it bad enough to be George Michael’s sidekick? They had to make the poor bastard a reindeer. I hope no Norwegian tried to eat him. That would not be Whamtastic."

From First Draft: “Poor Andrew Ridgely. Wasn’t it bad enough to be George Michael’s sidekick? They had to make the poor bastard a reindeer. I hope no Norwegian tried to eat him. That would not be Whamtastic.”

Fans of George Michael might enjoy listening to the earworm sappy Christmas song that’s annoying as hell. Seriously, I hate this song with a passion.

40. Garvis

From Turntabling: "I don’t even want to know what THIS bunch is on about. It looks like a prison lineup, but ESPECIALLY the guy on the far left. What the hell’s going on in THIS gent’s head? Images of sugarplums, no doubt, slicing up the neighborhood winos and barbecuing pets on a wood stove."

From Turntabling: “I don’t even want to know what THIS bunch is on about. It looks like a prison lineup, but ESPECIALLY the guy on the far left. What the hell’s going on in THIS gent’s head? Images of sugarplums, no doubt, slicing up the neighborhood winos and barbecuing pets on a wood stove.”

Because Christmas can’t get more into the Disco years than this.

41. Ruth Lyons: Ten Tunes of Christmas

Well, it's not quite a Charlie Brown Tree. Yet, even decorating it in tinsel and ornaments can't make it look festive. So sad. But I guess they had to make it work.

Well, it’s not quite a Charlie Brown Tree. Yet, even decorating it in tinsel and ornaments can’t make it look festive. So sad. But I guess they had to make it work.

That moment when you had to settle for the last tree at the Christmas tree farm and have to do a family Christmas card at the family owned hotel.

42. Homer and Jethro: Cool Crazy Christmas with Homer & Jethro

However, seeing them dressed up as kids in this is a very different story. Seriously, guys, you're creeping me out.

However, seeing them dressed up as kids in this is a very different story. Seriously, guys, you’re creeping me out.

Nothing says Christmas like seeing a couple of grown men playing with toys.

43. Thore Skogmans Julkivia: Klappa Pa

For all we know, he could just be luring this kid to put in a sack and do terrible things to him in his windowless van. But what do I know?

For all we know, he could just be luring this kid to put in a sack and do terrible things to him in his windowless van. But what do I know?

Remember, kids, just because a guy is in a Santa suit doesn’t mean he’s nice.

44. The Oak Ridge Boys: Christmas

From Flashbak: "Three of these guys belong in either a seedy bus station or a rustic log cabin – not a tacky eighties living room. Like matzo balls in clam chowder, they do not belong."

From Flashbak: “Three of these guys belong in either a seedy bus station or a rustic log cabin – not a tacky eighties living room. Like matzo balls in clam chowder, they do not belong.”

There’s nothing on Christmas like seeing a bunch of bearded guys enjoying themselves around the tree.

45. William Hung: Hung for the Holidays

From NME: "It doesn’t bode well for a Christmas album when its cover looks like a MS Paint rush job, with the artist’s face crudely dropped in. Also William, we get why you called your record ‘Hung For The Holidays’ but given suicide rates across Europe and America reach record highs around this time of year, is this really the best possible title? Really?"

From NME: “It doesn’t bode well for a Christmas album when its cover looks like a MS Paint rush job, with the artist’s face crudely dropped in. Also William, we get why you called your record ‘Hung For The Holidays’ but given suicide rates across Europe and America reach record highs around this time of year, is this really the best possible title? Really?”

For fans of the American Idol reject William Hung, I’m sure you’ll find his Christmas album a delight.

46. Raffi: Raffi’s Christmas Album

From Flashbak: "Imagine seeing this at your bedside when you wake up Christmas morn, (shudder)" Yes. this will certainly inspire nightmares.

From Flashbak: “Imagine seeing this at your bedside when you wake up Christmas morn, (shudder)” Yes. this will certainly inspire nightmares.

So that’s what Raffi actually looked like in real life. Not how I expected.

47. Dave Boyer: Joy & Happiness at Christmas

From Flashbak: "I don’t need to tell you that your wife with fake tan and your crummy living room shouldn’t be on the cover of your album; clearly, this wasn’t conveyed to Dave Boyer. For the curious, his daughter is holding “Reach Out” a hip version of the New Testament."

From Flashbak: “I don’t need to tell you that your wife with fake tan and your crummy living room shouldn’t be on the cover of your album; clearly, this wasn’t conveyed to Dave Boyer. For the curious, his daughter is holding “Reach Out” a hip version of the New Testament.”

Unfortunately, Mrs. Boyer’s trip to the tanning salon didn’t turn out well.

48. Torben & Klaus: Svingnissen – Dansemus

From Flashbak: "Where’s mom, you ask? Look into that girl’s eyes – the eyes of the purest evil – and you’ll have your answer."

From Flashbak: “Where’s mom, you ask? Look into that girl’s eyes – the eyes of the purest evil – and you’ll have your answer.”

This family would like to send their Christmas wishes and may your yuletide season be filled with love.

49. Leroy Andersen: A Christmas Festival with Leroy Andersen

From Flashbak: "This looks nothing at all like a festival. This is an old man taking notes…. perhaps they should have researched the term “festival” a bit more."

From Flashbak: “This looks nothing at all like a festival. This is an old man taking notes…. perhaps they should have researched the term “festival” a bit more.”

Apparently, this guy doesn’t really know what festival means. Or he wasn’t invited so he’s taking notes.

50. Music for Dreaming

From Go Retro: "No wonder I always wake up with a headache! After a long day of cross country skiing, there's nothing better then taking a nap in the snow and dreaming that I'm a 50 foot woman about to be rammed in the head by cars."

From Go Retro: “No wonder I always wake up with a headache! After a long day of cross country skiing, there’s nothing better then taking a nap in the snow and dreaming that I’m a 50 foot woman about to be rammed in the head by cars.”

For those tired of all the Christmas commercialism, this is the album for you.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen on These Christmas Treats (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

christmas-dinner

Since Christmas is a time of celebration with family and friends, it should surprise no one that food plays a critical role. Sure you may have a turkey or ham at the center along with delectable sides like mashed potatoes. But you also have a tone of desserts like pie, cake, cookies, and others. Let’s just say, this is a big holiday for food. So much so, that January is usually a month when fitness companies and gyms try to cash in on people’s New Year’s resolutions. In the last two years, I’ve created Christmas treat posts to show all the unique food items you might see on a yuletide table. Yet, these usually contain Christmas motifs like Santas and snowflakes. And I plan to do so again for this year since there are so many things you can find on Pinterest. So for your holiday reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of Christmas goodies for your heart’s desire.

  1. Grace your Christmas platter this year with this wreath veggie tray.
I put one of these in a post 2 years ago. Yet, this one contains carrots and cucumbers.

I put one of these in a post 2 years ago. Yet, this one contains carrots, peppers, and cucumbers.

2. A Christmas wreath snack platter is especially cheesy.

Well, it has a few kinds of cheese plus olives. Gives the wreath a little more color doesn't it?

Well, it has a few kinds of cheese plus olives. Gives the wreath a little more color doesn’t it?

3. You’ve heard of the cookie gingerbread man. But have you’ve seen gingerbread cookie sticks?

Yes, they're iced as gingerbread men. Yet, they're convenient for on the road. Enjoy.

Yes, they’re iced as gingerbread men. Yet, they’re convenient for on the road. Enjoy.

4. These Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer cookies make a tasty snack.

All it takes are vanilla wafers, pretzels, and chocolate. Yet, these do look adorable enough to eat, don't they?

All it takes are vanilla wafers, pretzels, and chocolate. Yet, these do look adorable enough to eat, don’t they?

5. Instead of a Christmas candle on your dessert platter, how about a Christmas candle cake?

Don't worry, the candle part is at the top which isn't edible anyway. But I do like the holly leaves and berries.

Don’t worry, the candle part is at the top which isn’t edible anyway. But I do like the holly leaves and berries.

6. Ever imagined having a cake with a Christmas tree inside?

This one does and it's chocolate, too. How they do this is beyond me.

This one does and it’s chocolate, too. How they do this is beyond me.

7. There’s nothing more jolly this Christmas than these Santa Claus cookies.

And yes, they have the big guy in the red suit and hat. Love the icing beard and chocolate chip eyes.

And yes, they have the big guy in the red suit and hat. Love the icing beard and chocolate chip eyes.

8. These bauble cake pops are a great addition for a yuletide dessert platter.

These are in red, white, and gold. But they come in so many different designs and aren't as hard to make as others.

These are in red, white, and gold. But they come in so many different designs and aren’t as hard to make as others.

9. You can make Rudolph brownies in a square pan.

In fact, it's preferred that way since these are triangle shaped. Also add pretzel antlers and M&M noses.

In fact, it’s preferred that way since these are triangle shaped. Also add pretzel antlers and M&M noses.

10. These nutcracker cupcake cakes are ideal for any little soldier.

And they don't seem to take many cupcakes to assemble either. Uniforms come in 3 different colors.

And they don’t seem to take many cupcakes to assemble either. Uniforms come in 3 different colors.

11. You can’t have Christmas without a cake of the nativity scene.

This one has the Holy Family and the Star of Bethlehem on top. While the town of Bethlehem is on a lower tier. Yet, all the cake is iced dark to resemble night.

This one has the Holy Family and the Star of Bethlehem on top. While the town of Bethlehem is on a lower tier as well as the shadows of shepherds and wise men. Yet, all the cake is iced dark to resemble night.

12. This snowflake cinnamon bread is said to be a real winter treat.

Last year, I showed bread like this shaped like a Christmas tree. This year I bring you a snowflake, which I actually like better.

Last year, I showed bread like this shaped like a Christmas tree. This year I bring you a snowflake, which I actually like better.

13. You can always use ice cream cones and Kit Kats to make a gingerbread village.

However, don't neglect to decorate it with icing and M&Ms. Now that's a town that's good enough to eat.

However, don’t neglect to decorate it with icing and M&Ms. Now that’s a town that’s good enough to eat.

14. A box of Christmas cake balls is guaranteed to bring you yuletide cheer.

And such a big box it is that it makes these cake pops resemble iced chocolates. Then again, at least some might have chocolate cake filling.

And such a big box it is that it makes these cake pops resemble iced chocolates. Then again, at least some might have chocolate cake filling.

15. To sort your cheeses, arrange them in a Christmas star.

There are also some nuts in the middle if you don't care for the 5 cheese here. At any rate, it's a clever display.

There are also some nuts in the middle if you don’t care for the 5 cheese here. At any rate, it’s a clever display for appetizers.

16. You’ll never know what you’ll open with these gift wrapped Oreos.

Actually, you probably will since they're covered Oreos. But I really love the bows on these.

Actually, you probably will since they’re covered Oreos. But I really love the bows on these.

17. Fans of the Grinch will surely take to these Whoville cookies.

They're cookies made from a roll that's green and red with sprinkles on the edge. Not sure if they're made from scratch but I'll add them to this post.

They’re cookies made from a roll that’s green and red with sprinkles on the edge. Not sure if they’re made from scratch but I’ll add them to this post.

18. Speaking of the Grinch, check out these Christmas cupcakes.

These almost could be taken for Santa cupcakes. Except for the fact that they're green with yellow eyes beneath the Santa hat.

These almost could be taken for Santa cupcakes. Except for the fact that they’re green with yellow eyes beneath the Santa hat.

19. For a simple Christmas snack, may I suggest pretzel presents?

All they require is to paint chocolate at the top and have a bow made of M&Ms. Or icing, if you prefer that.

All they require is to paint chocolate at the top and have a bow made of M&Ms. Or icing, if you prefer that.

20. Arrange your ham, cheese, crackers, and veggies in this appetizer platter Christmas tree.

Two years ago, I had a similar platter that included just cheese and veggies. This one includes ham and crackers, too.

Two years ago, I had a similar platter that included just cheese and veggies. This one includes ham and crackers, too.

21. These bauble cupcakes are guaranteed to bring you Christmas cheer.

After all, they're easier to decorate since they're round. And you can customize them however you'd like.

After all, they’re easier to decorate since they’re round. And you can customize them however you’d like.

22. With this brownie wreath, your Christmas party will be a chocolaty delight.

Some of the wreath is decorated with candy holly leaves and berries. Yet, it's all topped with a fruit roll up bow.

Some of the wreath is decorated with candy holly leaves and berries. Yet, it’s all topped with a fruit roll up bow.

23. Let your dessert platter shine with this Christmas tree cake front and center.

Though this is my 3rd Christmas treat post, I haven't included a Christmas tree cake before. Yet, I do love how it's decked with lights.

Though this is my 3rd Christmas treat post, I haven’t included a Christmas tree cake like this before. Yet, I do love how it’s decked with lights.

24. This gingerbread village was made possible by Hershey’s.

Yes, these houses are made from Hershey's chocolate. Yet, they still look good enough for a chocolate lover to devour.

Yes, these houses are made from Hershey’s chocolate. Yet, they still look good enough for a chocolate lover to devour.

25. Kids will adore these Rudolph pudding cups at your dessert platter.

Each of them comes with candy cane antlers and a red gum drop nose. So adorable.

Each of them comes with candy cane antlers and a red gum drop nose. So adorable.

26. You can’t have a merry and bright Christmas party without poinsettia cookies.

These are almost as pretty as the poinsettia flowers themselves. Yet, while the real flowers are poisonous, these are not.

These are almost as pretty as the poinsettia flowers themselves. Yet, while the real flowers are poisonous, these are not.

27. This snack platter contains a wide variety of cheeses.

Also includes cherry tomatoes and olives. All in all, this is great for a Christmas cocktail party.

Also includes cherry tomatoes and olives. All in all, this is great for a Christmas cocktail party.

28. From the North Pole, this Mrs. Claus cake is a Christmas delight.

This one uses a doll and has her holding a tray with cookies. Nevertheless, I think this is adorable.

This one uses a doll and has her holding a tray with cookies. Nevertheless, I think this is adorable.

29. For a delectable appetizer, try some Christmas tree bread on a stick.

This one consists of bread dough that's squeezed together on a tooth pick. You can also dip it in sauce.

This one consists of bread dough that’s squeezed together on a tooth pick. You can also dip it in sauce.

30. You’ve heard of snow globes. How about snow globe cupcakes?

I think the globe is made from gelatin. At any rate, each of them feature Christmas and winter motifs.

I think the globe is made from gelatin. At any rate, each of them feature Christmas and winter motifs.

31. This gingerbread house cake makes itself at home in a candy cane forest.

Though it only has one house on top, it has a lot of happy gingerbread men. Love the squiggly candy canes.

Though it only has one house on top, it has a lot of happy gingerbread men. Love the squiggly candy canes.

32. There’s nothing on Christmas like some candy cane bread.

Of course, it entails two strips of dough being intertwined in a crook shape. Still, I think it's quite clever.

Of course, it entails two strips of dough being intertwined in a crook shape. Still, I think it’s quite clever.

33. Children will surely root for these Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer cookies.

These use M&M eyes and nose as well as chocolate pretzel antlers. At any rate, they're so adorable.

These use M&M eyes and nose as well as chocolate pretzel antlers. At any rate, they’re so adorable.

34. For an easy Christmas dessert, you might want to go with Christmas tree meringue cookies.

You can even decorate these with sprinkles and a star. Yet, they will always resemble green cream puffs to me.

You can even decorate these with sprinkles and a star. Yet, they will always resemble green cream puffs to me.

35. For a healthy option, you might want to take a bite out of this Christmas candle.

After all, it's made from a carrot stick that's surrounded by cucumbers. And it includes a yellow pepper flame.

After all, it’s made from a carrot stick that’s surrounded by cucumbers. And it includes a yellow pepper flame.

36. This gingerbread house cake is a vibrant and happy Christmas village.

Unlike the gingerbread village cake I showed last year, this one has houses built on the cake tiers. Also, like the happy gingerbread people.

Unlike the gingerbread village cake I showed last year, this one has houses built on the cake tiers. Also, like the happy gingerbread people.

37. Nobody could ever resist these gingerbread bird houses this Christmas season.

You want to feed these to the birds. But each one is decorated in their unique way. Love them.

You want to feed these to the birds. But each one is decorated in their unique way. Love them.

38. Kids will delight in this apple Santa as a healthy treat.

This one has apple slices as the face, and hat. Yet it has marshmallows as the trim and beard.

This one has apple slices as the face, and hat. Yet it has marshmallows as the trim and beard.

39. You can never have a more delightful Christmas dessert than penguin icebox cookies.

Yes, I know penguins come from the Southern Hemisphere and are best known for living in Antarctica. But since they're cute polar creatures, their use on Christmas is understandable.

Yes, I know penguins come from the Southern Hemisphere and are best known for living in Antarctica. But since they’re cute polar creatures, their use on Christmas is understandable.

40. For a winter sweet tooth, it’s best to go with these tousle cap cookies.

Like the Christmas sweater cookies, you can see these are decorated in a wide array of styles. Not sure which one I like the best.

Like the Christmas sweater cookies, you can see these are decorated in a wide array of styles. Not sure which one I like the best.

41. An ugly sweater cake like this should be a hit at any ugly Christmas sweater party.

The ugly sweater cake I put on last year's post consisted of cupcakes. This just comprises of a sheet. Love the candy decorations though.

The ugly sweater cake I put on last year’s post consisted of cupcakes. This just comprises of a sheet. Love the candy decorations though.

42. If you liked Elf, then get a load of these Christmas cookies.

Yes, they have cookies relating to Elf. Sure they're professionally made. But I had to show these.

Yes, they have cookies relating to Elf. Sure they’re professionally made. But I had to show these.

43. For a healthy option gingerbread house, may I give you the Christmas veggie lodge.

This has a carrot log cabin, a celery and cucumber roof, and a pepper door. And yes, I bet it's held together by dip and dressing.

This has a carrot log cabin, a celery and cucumber roof, and a pepper door. And yes, I bet it’s held together by dip and dressing.

44. Speaking of veggie Christmas goodies, check out this  green bean Christmas tree.

This one has corn and pepper decorations. Like the cheese trimmings as well.

This one has corn and pepper decorations. Like the cheese trimmings as well.

45. You have to have a cold, cold heart not to love this penguin igloo cake.

The penguins even has a Christmas tree. And they're standing on top of the igloo to sing. So cute.

The penguins even has a Christmas tree. And they’re standing on top of the igloo to sing. So cute.

46. For an extra gooey Christmas treat, these Rudolph marshmallow pops can’t be beat.

They even have pretzel antlers. And are covered in a chocolaty goodness.

They even have pretzel antlers. And are covered in a chocolaty goodness.

47. Candy cane cookies should always come in a fancy stripe.

These have shiny red sugar icing and holly decorations. Professionally made, but I'll take 'em.

These have shiny red sugar icing and holly decorations. Professionally made, but I’ll take ’em.

48. This Santa Claus cake comes with a very magnificent beard.

This one comes with a Santa hat and everything. All in all, I find this quite adorable.

This one comes with a Santa hat and everything. All in all, I find this quite adorable.

49. Who knew that chocolate donuts could make such great Christmas wreaths?

These are a more fancy design and use intricate candy and icing. Still, these are great for any Christmas party.

These are a more fancy design and use intricate candy and icing. Still, these are great for any Christmas party.

50. These Rice Krispie Christmas presents are always full of surprises.

Okay, they contain M&Ms. But they're iced in green and red with a white bow. Love these.

Okay, they contain M&Ms. But they’re iced in green and red with a white bow. Love these.

51. This Christmas bread tree comes especially frosted.

Well, frosting in place of snow of course. Includes berry ornaments, too.

Well, frosting in place of snow of course. Includes berry ornaments, too.

52. These Oreo polar bears are surely cool treats for a winter day.

They can have a blue or brown M&M nose. At any rate, these are so cute.

They can have a blue or brown M&M nose. At any rate, these are so cute.

53. Nobody could ever resist these teddy bear sleds on any dessert platter.

This one just consists of Teddy Grahams, a Snicker's bar, and 2 mini candy canes. They're so easy, kids could make them.

This one just consists of Teddy Grahams, a Snicker’s bar, and 2 mini candy canes. They’re so easy, kids could make them.

54. Candy cane pretzels always make an ideal Christmas snack.

Not sure if they taste of mint. But you have to like the white and red stripes on these.

Not sure if they taste of mint. But you have to like the white and red stripes on these.

55. For healthy appetizers, perhaps you should visit the Santa Claus veggie tray.

This one has the kind of healthy veggies that Santa probably doesn't eat. His face consists of hummus though.

This one has the kind of healthy veggies that Santa probably doesn’t eat. His face consists of hummus though.

56. Celebrate the reason for the season with this sweet nativity scene cake.

Yes, I know it probably contains an ungodly amount of sugar. But this cake is so irresistibly cute you just want to eat it up.

Yes, I know it probably contains an ungodly amount of sugar. But this cake is so irresistibly cute you just want to eat it up.

57. There’s nothing more delectable this yuletide season than a Rice Krispe treat Christmas tree.

Yes, I know the green dye on these Rice Krispie treats is kind of disgusting. Yet, I do like how it's decorated with M&Ms.

Yes, I know the green dye on these Rice Krispie treats is kind of disgusting. Yet, I do like how it’s decorated with M&Ms.

58. You never have Christmas tree bread unless it’s filled with spinach.

Well, this is kind of ingenious. Love how it has the bread spanning it as decoration.

Well, this is kind of ingenious. Love how it has the bread spanning it as decoration.

59. You’ve heard of gingerbread houses and gingerbread cookies. Make way for the gingerbread house cookie.

Yes, they're all made the same way. But you have to admit. all 3 are so damn adorable for this Christmas season.

Yes, they’re all made the same way. But you have to admit. all 3 are so damn adorable for this Christmas season.

60. This appetizer platter Christmas tree has everything stacked together and held in place thanks to toothpicks.

I know this looks quite festive and weird, right? Well, somehow you can do this at home. But this doesn't mean I can suggest it.

I know this looks quite festive and weird, right? Well, somehow you can do this at home. But this doesn’t mean I can suggest it.

61. How about a little green in your candy cane cookies.

Well, they're not like the traditional red and white candy cane cookies. But Christmasy? You better believe it.

Well, they’re not like the traditional red and white candy cane cookies. But Christmasy? You better believe it.

62. You could almost imagine that these cupcakes come straight from the North Pole.

Okay, maybe not. But these North Pole cupcakes are certainly very simple to decorate.

Okay, maybe not. But these North Pole cupcakes are certainly very simple to decorate.

63. Nothing makes quite a hit at your Christmas party than these pine cone cheese balls.

After all, Christmas trees are evergreens that produce seeds through pine cones. And these cheese balls are covered in almonds.

After all, Christmas trees are evergreens that produce seeds through pine cones. And these cheese balls are covered in almonds.

64. Make sure these snowman cake pops are properly frosty.

Like how they have multicolored buttons and red ear muffs. Still, they're so adorable.

Like how they have multicolored buttons and red ear muffs. Still, they’re so adorable.

65. Of course, a Christmas tree appetizer platter can always include grapes.

They can come either in purple and green. But they'll also be separated by different kinds of cheese.

They can come either in purple and green. But they’ll also be separated by different kinds of cheese.

66. These polar bear cupcakes come with special hats.

These all have a green and red Santa hat. But their faces just scream of North Pole cuteness.

These all have a green and red Santa hat. But their faces just scream of North Pole cuteness.

67. These snowman pretzel snacks will surely not melt your appetite.

For some reason, I have a lot of snowman treats on here so far. Not sure why.

For some reason, I have a lot of snowman treats on here so far. Not sure why.

68. Those who love A Charlie Brown Christmas will adore these cookies.

This set includes Snoopy and the gang. It even has a Charlie Brown tree ornament. Love these.

This set includes Snoopy and the gang. It even has a Charlie Brown tree ornament. Love these.

69. For a healthier cookie option, go with these fruit and pistachio wreaths.

These are decorated with lemons, pistachios, and cranberries. Yet, many would think these delicious.

These are decorated with lemons, pistachios, and cranberries. Yet, many would think these delicious.

70. If you like polar bears, then you might like these polar bear paw print cupcakes.

Now these are quite clever. These even have a peppermint center on top.

Now these are quite clever. These even have a peppermint center on top.

71. Brighten up your Christmas party with these Christmas light cupcakes.

Each one has a chain of lights around a mound of white icing. Kind of wish it was green icing with a star on top instead.

Each one has a chain of lights around a mound of white icing. Kind of wish it was green icing with a star on top instead.

72. A Christmas cookie bird house should always come with a few residents.

Yes, it may be in pink with lights on it. But nevertheless, the cookie snowbirds are adorable.

Yes, it may be in pink with lights on it. But nevertheless, the cookie snowbirds are adorable.

73. Santa Hat party mix is guaranteed to make your Christmas a memorable one.

And Santa hats it certainly has. But don't forget about the green M&Ms and the frosted pretzels.

And Santa hats it certainly has. But don’t forget about the green M&Ms and the frosted pretzels.

74. A Christmas snow globe cake is always filled with winter magic.

You can't eat some of the decorations on this cake according to Pinterest. But they should go great with the snow globe cupcakes.

You can’t eat some of the decorations on this cake according to Pinterest. But they should go great with the snow globe cupcakes.

75. Nothing is such a Christmas delight like a cupcake cake of Old St. Nick.

Well, this one seems to have a nice Santa beard. Also like the holly on his hat.

Well, this one seems to have a nice Santa beard. Also like the holly on his hat.

76. Snowman party stew can always melt your frozen taste buds.

Sure it may have snowmen on top. But this is a steaming hot meal not meant for those made of ice.

Sure it may have snowmen on top. But this is a steaming hot meal not meant for those made of ice.

77. These Christmas tree cookies come in a variety of different colors.

Well, colors in regard to each layer, apparently. Love the yellow stars on top though.

Well, colors in regard to each layer, apparently. Love the yellow stars on top though.

78. A green and red Christmas cake is perfect for any yuletide occasion.

This one has layers upon layers of red and green. But if anything says Christmas cake, it's this.

This one has layers upon layers of red and green. But if anything says Christmas cake, it’s this.

79. Wake up on Christmas morning to some reindeer pancakes.

Yes, this doesn't constitute the healthiest yuletide breakfast. But I'm sure Rudolph's pancake face will give someone a smile.

Yes, this doesn’t constitute the healthiest yuletide breakfast. But I’m sure Rudolph’s pancake face will give someone a smile.

80. On a cold winter day, these hot cocoa cookies make a tasty treat.

These come with a marshmallow cup and a cookie coaster. Love the candy cane handle and marshmallows on top.

These come with a marshmallow cup and a cookie coaster. Love the candy cane handle and marshmallows on top.

Deck the Halls with These Christmas Craft Projects (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Last year, I did my first Christmas craft post which was a rather big success that I decided to do one for this year. Mostly because I have a lot of craft pictures saved from Pinterest that I could only put on the post which can only have so many slots. After all, Christmas is perhaps the biggest holiday of the year with people decorating their house to reflect the yuletide cheer. Thus, this leads to plenty of Christmas craft projects to choose from. And I mean plenty ranging from Christmas wreaths, Christmas garlands, Christmas tree ornaments, well, you get the idea. Nevertheless, as the Christmas season kicks off, you’ll start seeing people putting up their decorations. Some will buy them from the store or have already. Some will make their own which might take them quite some time. And some may put out the decorations they made from the previous years. I mean craft projects can last a long time. But unlike on Halloween, they must have their cobwebs dusted off first. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another installment of great Christmas craft projects to provide you inspiration for this holiday season.

  1. Oh, crap, Frosty the Snowman is now turned to slush.
Don't worry, this is just a Christmas melted snowman decoration. It's made from cotton and styrofoam. So don't cry all about it.

Don’t worry, this is just a Christmas melted snowman decoration. It’s made from cotton and styrofoam. So don’t cry all about it.

2. A white yarn Christmas wreath must always have red and green flowers.

Well, this is a nice simple Christmas design. Love the flowers. So pretty.

Well, this is a nice simple Christmas design. Love the flowers. So pretty.

3. A winter tulle wreath must always have some patches of shiny blue.

This one has a blue bird and blue flower like it's almost a snow scene. I think it's quite lovely to put on one's front door.

This one has a blue bird and blue flower like it’s almost a snow scene. I think it’s quite lovely to put on one’s front door.

4. You can make a hanging Christmas tree with only 3 wreaths.

Well, this one has 3 wreaths with baubles and decorations galore. Not sure if it's practical for my house. But I like it.

Well, this one has 3 wreaths with baubles and decorations galore. Not sure if it’s practical for my house. But I like it.

5. You could always cuddle with two of these Santa’s little helpers.

Of course, these crocheted elves are much more adorable and much less creepy than the Elf on the Shelf. And you don't have to worry about them being naughty.

Of course, these crocheted elves are much more adorable and much less creepy than the Elf on the Shelf. And you don’t have to worry about them being naughty.

6. You’ll never know what kind of snowflakes you could make with candy canes.

Okay, there's a snowflake in the center. But still, this looks quite sensational to hang in front of your door.

Okay, there’s a snowflake in the center. But still, this looks quite sensational to hang in front of your door.

7. For reds and whites, this candy cane wreath is as sweet as it could be.

It's made from decomesh with candy canes in front. Contains red and white ribbon with red baubles.

It’s made from decomesh with candy canes in front. Contains red and white ribbon with red baubles.

8. Make a jolly entrance with this tulle Santa Claus wreath.

Well, at least the tulle makes up for the beard. Seems like a very simple decoration when you look at it.

Well, at least the tulle makes up for the beard. Seems like a very simple decoration when you look at it.

9. Curl up this Christmas with your very own crocheted snowflake blanket.

This one mainly uses white, gray, and black for contrast. Yet, this is quite lovely.

This one mainly uses white, gray, and black for contrast. Yet, this is quite lovely.

10. It’s always delightful when you have snowman kettle in the home.

Yet, note that this is only used for decoration. But I do love that rosy face.

Yet, note that this is only used for decoration. But I do love that rosy face.

11. Evergreen branches and holly go very well on a wooden frame.

Help if it has some snow and some red birds on it. Think of it as a Christmas nature scene.

Help if it has some snow and some red birds on it. Think of it as a Christmas nature scene.

12. Put some hooks on a fence to hang your stockings.

Helps if all these look the same as well. Yes, they're in ugly sweater pattern. But I'll take it.

Helps if all these look the same as well. Yes, they’re in ugly sweater pattern. But I’ll take it.

13. For a wintry spirit, a Christmas wreath in pink and white should do the trick.

Helps that it has pink poinsettias and a dove on it. Sure it's girly but there's a graceful look about it.

Helps that it has pink poinsettias and a dove on it. Sure it’s girly but there’s a graceful look about it.

14. How about use a wooden panel to paint your own Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

Well, you just have a white silhouette of Rudolph. But you do have a red nose and pine wreath on his neck.

Well, you just have a white silhouette of Rudolph. But you do have a red nose and pine wreath on his neck.

15. It’s not a festive Christmas without an evergreen tree skirt with peacock feathers.

Yes, it's quite fancy and unconventional. But this skirt isn't meant to be worn. I've seen a few of these, too.

Yes, it’s quite fancy and unconventional. But this skirt isn’t meant to be worn. I’ve seen a few of these, too.

16. A candy cane yarn wreath must always have red and white stripes.

Doesn't hurt that hit has red and white berries either. Love the snowflake on this.

Doesn’t hurt that hit has red and white berries either. Love the snowflake on this.

17. Looks like a bird laid eggs in this snowman wreath.

Of course, most birds don't lay eggs this time of year. But this will melt your heart nevertheless.

Of course, most birds don’t lay eggs this time of year. But this will melt your heart nevertheless.

18. These snowman flower pot candle holders will light up your Christmas time.

Yet, note that they could actually melt snowmen. Still, these are adorable.

Yet, note that they could actually melt snowmen. Still, these are adorable.

19. You could make one big snowflake with a set of popsicle sticks.

Well, it's much more doable than some of the other crafts here so far. Still, it's so simple and easy to hang.

Well, it’s much more doable than some of the other crafts here so far. Still, it’s so simple and easy to hang.

20. A twig Christmas snowflake brings a rather rustic touch.

Sure it's a strange spin if you get my drift. But it's so unique that I couldn't ignore this any longer.

Sure it’s a strange spin if you get my drift. But it’s so unique that I couldn’t ignore this any longer.

21. You can always make a great Christmas wreath with holly berries and tree branches.

Now this is the kind of holly wreath to put on one's front door. Love the plaid ribbon.

Now this is the kind of holly wreath to put on one’s front door. Love the plaid ribbon.

22. You never know what presents are on this urn.

Actually they're just boxes with nothing in them since they're only used for show. But I love how they have different patterns.

Actually they’re just boxes with nothing in them since they’re only used for show. But I love how they have different patterns.

23. A Christmas wreath should be as pearly white as the snow.

Of course, you can't bet on a white Christmas where I live. But I wouldn't mind owning a wreath like this.

Of course, you can’t bet on a white Christmas where I live. But I wouldn’t mind owning a wreath like this.

24. You can’t celebrate Christmas without a wreath of poinsettias.

Sure they're Mexican flowers that just won't die. But they really add a lovely Christmas touch.

Sure they’re Mexican flowers that just won’t die. But they really add a lovely Christmas touch.

25. This amigurumi Rudolph will always keep your spirits bright.

Like how he has the little red and green scarf around his neck. Yes, this is adorable as can be.

Like how he has the little red and green scarf around his neck. Yes, this is adorable as can be.

26. A jeweled Christmas tree must always have a silver frame.

I put one of these on my Christmas craft post from last year. Yet, I think this one has a certain radiance as well. Lovely.

I put one of these on my Christmas craft post from last year. Yet, I think this one has a certain radiance as well. Lovely.

27. Nothing can make you resist this little angel and fawn.

Tis the season for cute angels as always. But I'm sure this is bound to melt frozen hearts.

Tis the season for cute angels as always. But I’m sure this is bound to melt frozen hearts. Cute.

28. This little Christmas tree is an avian haven.

Actually the birds on this tree are fake and in different colors. But a bird fan will love it.

Actually the birds on this tree are fake and in different colors. But a bird fan will love it.

29. Pink and purple flowers are resplendent on this ornament.

These flowers are quite lovely on this off white Christmas ornament, Love the ribbons, too.

These flowers are quite lovely on this off white Christmas ornament, Love the ribbons, too.

30. With a stiff doily, green paint, and a ribbon, you can make a fancy Christmas wreath.

Judging by the size, this will most likely be a Christmas tree ornament. But a stunning one it will be.

Judging by the size, this will most likely be a Christmas tree ornament. But a stunning one it will be.

31. Have your Christmas guests set a drink on these crocheted ornament coasters.

You can also call them pot holders, too. And they all come in so many different colors.

You can also call them pot holders, too. Or ornaments as you see fit. And they all come in so many different colors.

32. A jeweled tree must always have an array of decorations.

Well, this one is quite stunning. Never underestimate what you can do with recycled jewelry pieces. Beautiful.

Well, this one is quite stunning. Never underestimate what you can do with recycled jewelry pieces. Beautiful.

33. Deck your mantle this Christmas with these ribbon trees.

Both are mostly green with some red ribbon for trimmings. They also have shiny balls on top.

Both are mostly green with some red ribbon for trimmings. They also have shiny balls on top.

34. A snowflake wreath always captures the winter magic.

This is another easy wreath. Just need a hoop, white yarn, and craft snowflakes. Lovely.

This is another easy wreath. Just need a hoop, white yarn, and craft snowflakes. Lovely.

35. These felt gingerbread men will always delight at your front door.

Each one has a bow tie and buttons to your joy. Love how one has some pine branches. Cute.

Each one has a bow tie and buttons to your joy. Love how one has some pine branches. Cute.

36. Dress your little girl for Christmas with one of these pairs of crocheted shoes.

Come in red and white. Red pair has white ribbons. White pair has holly leaves and a bow.

Come in red and white. Red pair has white ribbons. White pair has holly leaves and a bow.

37. For a rustic Christmas tree, grace it with a pine cone angel.

This looks like something a child may do in school. So I'm sure you'll have no trouble to make it.

This looks like something a child may do in school. So I’m sure you’ll have no trouble to make it.

38. Don’t like Christmas wreaths? How about a Christmas basket?

This one even has a birdhouse in it along with skates and a red ribbon. Still, you can't go wrong with this. Love it.

This one even has a birdhouse in it along with skates and a red ribbon. Still, you can’t go wrong with this. Love it.

39. A white Christmas wreath like this should bring you into a winter wonderland.

This one is quite fancy compared to the snow wreaths I posted so far. But I couldn't do a second craft post without it.

This one is quite fancy compared to the snow wreaths I posted so far. But I couldn’t do a second craft post without it.

40. You can’t be frosty without this snowman amigurumi around.

And yes, this little cold thing will warm your heart. I guarantee it. So cute.

And yes, this little cold thing will warm your heart. I guarantee it. So cute.

41. Sometimes a white beaded snowflake can have a rather simple design.

In last year's craft post I had one with more pearls on it. This one has a fewer but no less elegant.

In last year’s craft post I had one with more pearls on it. This one has a fewer but no less elegant.

42. A gingerbread garland always brings a touch on any tree.

I think this comes from salt gingerbread dough which you can't eat anyway. But love how they have the gingerbread man, star, and tree pattern.

I think this comes from salt gingerbread dough which you can’t eat anyway. But love how they have the gingerbread man, star, and tree pattern.

43. A candy cane hanging must always have some holly berries and pine branches.

I used a similar deco mesh candy cane for last year's Christmas craft post. But I like this one much better for some reason.

I used a similar deco mesh candy cane for last year’s Christmas craft post. But I like this one much better for some reason.

44. Grace your front door this Christmas with this evergreen star.

Sure it's not a conventional Christmas decoration. But you have love the flowers in the center.

Sure it’s not a conventional Christmas decoration. But you have love the flowers in the center.

45. This Christmas snow lady will make your heart melt.

It's made from plush and felt. And her dress has some pom pom decorations. But she'll make you thaw.

It’s made from plush and felt. And her dress has some pom pom decorations. But she’ll make you thaw.

46. This Christmas box scene will brighten your holiday season.

This seems to resemble a retro Christmas scene. Like how it lights up.

This seems to resemble a retro Christmas scene. Like how it lights up.

47. These plush tree ornaments come with bows of holly.

Consists of a Christmas tree, birds, stocking, heart, and mitten. At any rate, they're great additions to your tree.

Consists of a Christmas tree, birds, stocking, heart, and mitten. At any rate, they’re great additions to your tree.

48. These winter trees are always a haven for doves.

Love how they light up like trees in the snow. Still, this is a great decoration for those with too much time on their hands. Love it.

Love how they light up like trees in the snow. Still, this is a great decoration for those with too much time on their hands. Love it.

49. A white Christmas dress should always come with angel wings.

Like the peacock skirt, this Christmas dress isn't to wear. Rather it's for decoration. But I love how it lights up a room.

Like the peacock skirt, this Christmas dress isn’t to wear. Rather it’s for decoration. But I love how it lights up a room.

50. This penguin Christmas tree will waddle your way into your heart.

Sure penguins don't live in the North Pole. But they're polar creatures and are so cute. So they're included in Christmas motifs.

Sure penguins don’t live in the North Pole. But they’re polar creatures and are so cute. So they’re included in Christmas motifs.

51. You can always add a pair of ice skates with any Christmas hanging.

This one features a pair of ice skates in a frame with branches and a plaid bow. Has quite a rustic touch.

This one features a pair of ice skates in a frame with branches and a plaid bow. Has quite a rustic touch.

52. It’s always “Noel” with this Christmas hanging.

Seems like something you'd see at a baby nursery or elementary school. At any rate, it's simply adorable.

Seems like something you’d see at a baby nursery or elementary school. At any rate, it’s simply adorable.

53. Your tree can smell sweet with these cinnamon stick Christmas trees.

Each one has some tree limbs with button ornaments. I'm sure they're hard to resist.

Each one has some tree limbs with button ornaments. I’m sure they’re hard to resist.

54. Sometimes a long evergreen garland is needed for a large frame.

And white ice skates give it a key Christmas touch. Not sure if I'd want it in my house, but I'll take it for my post.

And white ice skates give it a key Christmas touch. Not sure if I’d want it in my house, but I’ll take it for my post.

55. How about a Santa hat bouquet at your door?

Flowers inside a Santa hat? Sure they're not poinsettias but they'll do quite nicely here.

Flowers inside a Santa hat? Sure they’re not poinsettias but they’ll do quite nicely here.

56. A white tulle wreath could always use some bejeweled trimming as a Christmas decoration.

Now that looks quite fancy and perfect for a front door on Christmas. Love the flower piece, too.

Now that looks quite fancy and perfect for a front door on Christmas. Love the flower piece, too.

57. You can always cuddle with this crocheted gingerbread man.

This one even has pink trimming and buttons. Though you can't eat it, it's so cute.

This one even has pink trimming and buttons. Though you can’t eat it, it’s so cute.

58. Ever saw an evergreen snowflake before?

This one has branches with pine cones and bare twigs. Has an naturalistic air to it that's perfect for a winter cabin.

This one has branches with pine cones and bare twigs. Has an naturalistic air to it that’s perfect for a winter cabin.

59. Nothing makes Christmas more magical than a bejeweled wreath like this.

Like some Christmas decorations on this and last year's yuletide craft post, this was made with upcycled jewelry. And yes, it certainly looks like a charm.

Like some Christmas decorations on this and last year’s yuletide craft post, this was made with upcycled jewelry. And yes, it certainly looks like a charm.

60. A white yarn wreath should always have red flowers and holly berries.

Well, this is a rather simple wreath. Like how it's Christmasy without being over the top. Lovely.

Well, this is a rather simple wreath. Like how it’s Christmasy without being over the top. Lovely.

61. A lovely Christmas tree always has to be strung with pearls.

Also helps if it has so many buttons and jewels to decorate it. Surely looks festive. Lovely.

Also helps if it has so many buttons and jewels to decorate it. Surely looks festive. Lovely.

62. Nothing is flashier this yuletide season than a bauble frame.

Well, this bauble frame anyway. This is especially the case when it's trimmed with tinsel.

Well, this bauble frame anyway. This is especially the case when it’s trimmed with tinsel.

63. You can make your own Santa Claus ornament with a wooden light bulb.

Just add a hat, holly, and beard and you're all set. Looks amazing, doesn't it?

Just add a hat, holly, and beard and you’re all set. Looks amazing, doesn’t it?

64. On a wreath like this, you find a vibrant Christmas village.

I put a similar wreath like this one on last year's Christmas craft post. But this one has less snow and more snowmen.

I put a similar wreath like this one on last year’s Christmas craft post. But this one has less snow and more snowmen.

65. There’s nothing so stunning this Christmas than an evergreen tree dress.

Seems like it came from a Christmas tree carved as a dress. But it's a great sight to behold.

Seems like it came from a Christmas tree carved as a dress. But it’s a great sight to behold.

66. For more retro decorations, these jeweled trees are just the ticket.

Well, these sure do have a vintage feel to them since they're in pastel colors. Yet, I can't help but love them.

Well, these sure do have a vintage feel to them since they’re in pastel colors. Yet, I can’t help but love them.

67. Spice up your Christmas party look with a pair of Christmas tree earrings.

These are made from beads and wire. The smaller ones wrap around the large green ones as Christmas decorations.

These are made from beads and wire. The smaller ones wrap around the large green ones as Christmas decorations.

68. Count down to Christmas with this Christmas tree advent calendar.

Behind each felt door on this Christmas tree is a little surprise. What it is, I can't say.

Behind each felt door on this Christmas tree is a little surprise. What it is, I can’t say.

69. On this panel you will find the nativity and the Star of Bethlehem.

I was wondering when I'd get down to the nativity decorations. Still, both certainly seem like they're from a midnight clear.

I was wondering when I’d get down to the nativity decorations. Still, both certainly seem like they’re from a midnight clear.

70. Bring your neighbors in awe of you this Christmas with this black yuletide pot.

Contains the baubles and branches for all you desire. And will surely stand out. Love the bow.

Contains the baubles and branches for all you desire. And will surely stand out. Love the bow.

71. A glass Christmas candle will surely brighten the room.

Don't worry, the flame is fake and it's powered by electricity. Still, it's quite radiant to say the least.

Don’t worry, the flame is fake and it’s powered by electricity. Still, it’s quite radiant to say the least.

72. These snowflake pot holders will keep your Christmas kitchen merry.

Come in 4 different colors as seen here. And each snowflake on them is unique. Well, sort of.

Come in 4 different colors as seen here. And each snowflake on them is unique. Well, sort of.

73. This snowflake wreath will surely bring you winter cheer.

I seem to have a lot of snowflake stuff on this blog for some reason. Maybe I'm just in a winter mood.

I seem to have a lot of snowflake stuff on this blog for some reason. Maybe I’m just in a winter mood.

74. Guess you’d like to have this snowman wreath on any frosty day.

Well, it comes with 3 circles along with a scarf and hat. Pretty simple decoration to make by the looks of it.

Well, it comes with 3 circles along with a scarf and hat. Pretty simple decoration to make by the looks of it.

75. Be in the festive Christmas spirit with this peacock feather wreath.

Sure it's a bit nontraditional as a Christmas decoration. But let's just say, it does bring out a lovely color.

Sure it’s a bit nontraditional as a Christmas decoration. But let’s just say, it does bring out a lovely color.

76. There’s nothing softer this Christmas than this snowman pillow.

It even has a Santa hat and a Christmas ribbon at the neck. Can't help but include this one.

It even has a Santa hat and a Christmas ribbon at the neck. Can’t help but include this one.

77. This glass snowflake light will give you a warm winter glow.

Has a nice snowflake design on the front. Love the ribbon on this. Lovely.

Has a nice snowflake design on the front. Love the ribbon on this. Lovely.

78. This Christmas keep your cookies safe in this Santa cookie jar.

Not sure if it will keep most of the cookies away from Santa. Yet, I like how it was made with a flower pot.

Not sure if it will keep most of the cookies away from Santa. Yet, I like how it was made with a flower pot.

79. This Christmas lampshade is perfect for any yuletide lamp.

This one has a stunning winter scene with a red background. Love the fringes.

This one has a stunning winter scene with a red background. Love the fringes.

80. Grace your couch this Christmas season with a pillow with a shiny red bow.

Because during the Christmas season, shiny red bows are totally a thing. Believe me, I know.

Because during the Christmas season, shiny red bows are totally a thing. Believe me, I know.

81. This baby Jesus manger shows us the reason for the season.

Well, to me as a Catholic, anyway. But to each his own. Still, this twig manger is so adorable.

Well, to me as a Catholic, anyway. But to each his own. Still, this twig manger is so adorable.

82. This coffee can hat makes a wonderful Christmas tree topper.

I showed a different one last year with a bird on it. Also has a nice red ribbon, too.

I showed a different one last year with a bird on it. Also has a nice red ribbon, too.

83. This peacock wreath will make a fine Christmas addition on your front door.

This even includes a light blue poinsettia flower for a wintry touch. Love it.

This even includes a light blue poinsettia flower for a wintry touch. Love it.

84. You can’t have Christmas without a wreath containing a shiny metal reindeer.

Now this one is quite stunning. Love the shiny deer and the silver wreath decor.

Now this one is quite stunning. Love the shiny deer and the silver wreath decor.

85. Keep your kitchen jolly with this crocheted wreath pot holder.

Kind of reluctant to use a pot with this one. But it's certainly a unique work of art.

Kind of reluctant to use a pot with this one. But it’s certainly a unique work of art.

86. These Christmas woodland creatures will inspire you with good cheer.

Sure they're all in green and red winter gear. But come on, you have to have a frozen heart not to think these adorable.

Sure they’re all in green and red winter gear. But come on, you have to have a frozen heart not to think these adorable.

87. You’ve never seen a more glamorous tree than this one encrusted with jewels.

Yes, Christmas should be a time with things shining and sparkling. Still, this jeweled Christmas tree is a very resplendent piece.

Yes, Christmas should be a time with things shining and sparkling. Still, this jeweled Christmas tree is a very resplendent piece.

88. Nobody could resist having these clothespin girls on their Christmas tree.

These girls come with different hairstyles and dresses. Yet, all are lovely in their own way.

These girls come with different hairstyles and dresses. Yet, all are lovely in their own way.

89. Got old Christmas light bulbs? Cover them with glitter.

You can even make ornaments out of them if you want. Or you can put them in a bowl.

You can even make ornaments out of them if you want. Or you can put them in a bowl.

90. An angel like this is best to top a simple Christmas tree.

Surely she's a demure beauty of heaven above. Yet, she wears a plain dress and doesn't illuminate.

Surely she’s a demure beauty of heaven above. Yet, she wears a plain dress and doesn’t illuminate.

91. This green Christmas dress will surely light up the home.

Even has a necklace at the neck. No, you can't wear it. But feel free to look as much as you like.

Even has a necklace at the neck. No, you can’t wear it. But feel free to look as much as you like.

92. This candy cane wreath is a sweet Christmas treat.

Well, it's surely a very candy cane colored wreath. Love the lollipops and mints. Stunning.

Well, it’s surely a very candy cane colored wreath. Love the lollipops and mints. Stunning.

93. This jeweled Christmas tree is one with a lot of gold and a lot of color.

You never know what you can make with recycled jewelry. Love the gold and purple decor.

You never know what you can make with recycled jewelry. Love the gold and purple decor.

94. On this Silent Night, this wooden nativity scene will surely suit your fancy.

This one has a stable as well as the peg figures in clothes. Love the gold turbans on the wise men.

This one has a stable as well as the peg figures in clothes. Love the gold turbans on the wise men.

95. Hang this resplendent peacock Christmas wreath in its vibrant glory.

This one is so stunning with the blue and gold bow. Love it.

This one is so stunning with the blue and gold bow. The feathers are so beautiful. Love it.

96. Ladies and gents, I present to you Frosty the Snowman in aluminum.

Yeah, I know I have a a lot of snowmen on this post. Yet, I couldn't pass by this can snowman again.

Yeah, I know I have a a lot of snowmen on this post. Yet, I couldn’t pass by this can snowman again.

97. A purple Christmas ornament like this deserves its own cameo.

Oh, wait, it does have a cameo. Love the ribbons, roses, and lace.

Oh, wait, it does have a cameo. Love the ribbons, roses, and lace.

98. This Christmas angel crystal ornament is the most divine.

Includes a pearl head and golden wings. Love the rose in the middle. Adorable.

Includes a pearl head and golden wings. Love the rose in the middle. Adorable.

99. This Christmas tree pillow will be sensational on your rocking chair.

Well, the tree doesn't look like much. But you have to love the star, ornaments, and candy canes on it.

Well, the tree doesn’t look like much. But you have to love the star, ornaments, and candy canes on it.

100. A red and green Christmas dress should always covered in flowers.

This one is decked with roses, poinsettias, and lights. Such a great Christmas dress it is.

This one is decked with roses, poinsettias, and lights. Such a great Christmas dress it is.

NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition) (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

elf

Parents, it’s that time of year again when Santa sends his little visitor to your children’s home in order to monitor their behavior to make sure they’re good enough for Christmas presents when the big guy visits himself. Yet, be warned that these creepy sprites tend to act very badly when nobody’s looking. And I mean badly in terms of they do stuff that you wouldn’t even dare mention to your little ones. Sure I’ve done an Elf on the Shelf post 2 years in a row, and believe me, there is a lot of crazy shit your family elf can do. After all, an elf can only “move” whenever residents are asleep or away from home, so hours of no supervision can really get to your elf’s head. And since so many elves in so many houses don’t adhere to behavioral standards, I highly suggest parents need to keep an eye on their resident Elf on the Shelf and report professional misconduct on the Internet with aid of a camera. So when you see your resident elf behaving inappropriately, take a picture, show it on the Internet to let your friends know, and call this hotline to report it to Santa at 1-800-555-BAD-ELF1. And now for your reading pleasure, I give you even more instances of Elves on the Shelves that squarely belong on Santa’s “naughty list.” Warning: most of the pictures aren’t for kids and aren’t safe for work.

  1. Oh, no, what the hell happened to Gristlecrumbs?
Okay, so the dogs at him for being creepy. Sure it was a very naughty thing but I couldn't blame them.

Okay, so the dogs at him for being creepy. Sure it was a very naughty thing but I couldn’t blame them.

2. Nice to see Frickles being informed about current events.

Did he just take a dump in that wine glass? Shouldn't he go somewhere else like an elf toilet?

Did he just take a dump in that wine glass? Shouldn’t he go somewhere else like an elf toilet?

3. For Blinkyskins, fat bottomed girls make the rockin’ world go round.

"Are you gonna take me home tonight ?/Ah down beside that red firelight/Are you gonna let it all hang out ?/Fat bottomed girls/You make the rockin' world go round"

“Are you gonna take me home tonight ?/Ah down beside that red firelight/Are you gonna let it all hang out ?/Fat bottomed girls/You make the rockin’ world go round”

4. Noel would like to say something for the Ferguson family.

Hey, Noel, nice you can remind us why you're late and all. But please, not in front of the kids.

Hey, Noel, nice you can remind us why you’re late and all. But please, not in front of the kids.

5. Seems like Dinkler has a message for the Granger family.

Okay, is that "murder." Jesus Christ, God help this family. Because Dinkler may be on the homicidal side.

Okay, is that “murder.” Jesus Christ, God help this family. Because Dinkler may be on the homicidal side.

6. Jingle Bell is enjoying a nice quiet movie night with Ken.

Okay, I don't think Barbie will like this. But Jingle Bell doesn't seem to care one bit.

Okay, I don’t think Barbie will like this. But Jingle Bell doesn’t seem to care one bit.

7. No, Blinkle, you don’t light Max on fire!

Yet, he could just as well be trying to light his farts. Either way, this really doesn't bode well for him.

Yet, he could just as well be trying to light his farts. Either way, this really doesn’t bode well for him.

8. “I have you now, Rudolph!”

No, Crumby, you don't pull a knife on Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Hell, you don't pull a knife on anybody.

No, Crumby, you don’t pull a knife on Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Hell, you don’t pull a knife on anybody.

9. “So, ladies, how do we proceed from here?”

Think Freckles has a very dirty mind and a bit of a smoking habit. Clearly, he's not fit to monitor the Westover kids.

Think Freckles has a very dirty mind and a bit of a smoking habit. Clearly, he’s not fit to monitor the Westover kids at this point.

10. Looks like Grimler got into Daddy’s secret drawer.

Did he just get into Daddy's condoms and lube? No, I don't think that plastic thing is a hat, Grimler.

Did he just get into Daddy’s condoms and lube? No, I don’t think that plastic thing is a hat, Grimler.

11. Pinkleskins, how dare you dress like Miley Cyrus at the VMAs.

Apparently, he thought Miley's VMA performance in 2013 was worth remembering. He is sorely mistaken.

Apparently, he thought Miley’s VMA performance in 2013 was worth remembering. He is sorely mistaken.

12. Seems like some of Andy’s toys have taken quite well to Minter.

Is Minter drinking and playing poker with Woody, Buzz, and Rex? Jesus, now my childhood is ruined.

Is Minter drinking and playing poker with Woody, Buzz, and Rex? Jesus, now my childhood is ruined.

13. Seems like someone really wants Tinkleskins to stick it.

But did they really have to decapitate a My Little Pony? That's just fucked up.

But did they really have to decapitate a My Little Pony? That’s just a fucked up way to make an offer he can’t refuse.

14. What did Quinty get himself tied up in this time?

I don't know about you. But if he got this way through BDSM, he's going be in big trouble after Christmas.

I don’t know about you. But if he got this way through BDSM, he’s going be in big trouble after Christmas.

15. Oh, my God, not you, too Wrinklebrush!

What's with the Miley Cyrus routine? Then again, seems like the plushies like it which is disturbing.

What’s with the Miley Cyrus routine? Then again, seems like the plushies like it which is disturbing.

16. No, Hinkly, Mr. Ruskin will not like you getting into his wallet.

Boy, is he going to be in for a world of trouble when Mr. Ruskin gets home. Hinkly ought to be ashamed of himself.

Boy, is he going to be in for a world of trouble when Mr. Ruskin gets home. Hinkly ought to be ashamed of himself.

17. “Say your prayers for stealing Christmas, Grinch!”

Dankles, just because the Grinch doesn't like Christmas doesn't mean you could kill him! And a la Dexter on top of presents? That's fucked up!

Dankles, just because the Grinch doesn’t like Christmas doesn’t mean you could kill him! And a la Dexter on top of presents? That’s fucked up!

18. Looks like Clinky has taken some time off at the North Pole.

What the hell is he doing to Santa? Why the hell is the Abominable Snowman taking pictures? This is messed up on so many levels.

What the hell is he doing to Santa? Why the hell is the Abominable Snowman taking pictures? This is messed up on so many levels.

19. Elfie wants to tell Santa to stick it on Christmas Eve.

Seems like Santa doesn't treat his Elves on the Shelves too well. That or Elfie is such a prick. I don't know how workplace relations are at the North Pole.

Seems like Santa doesn’t treat his Elves on the Shelves too well. That or Elfie is such a prick. I don’t know how workplace relations are at the North Pole.

20. Seems like the Vitales couldn’t handle any more of Winkleross’s insane antics.

Guess this what happens to an Elf on the Shelf if they've behaved really naughty during the Christmas season. Guess it was for the best.

Guess this what happens to an Elf on the Shelf if they’ve behaved really naughty during the Christmas season. Perhaps it was for the best.

21. Seems like the Lego people have had enough of Sugar Plum.

Of course, everyone should've know it would come to this. The Lego people were against him from the very beginning.

Of course, everyone should’ve know it would come to this. The Lego people were against him from the very beginning.

22. Vinklevoss apparently takes well to sheep.

No, that's not how you treat a sheep. Bestiality is depraved and wrong for a reason. And no, the animals don't like it.

No, that’s not how you treat a sheep. Bestiality is depraved and wrong for a reason. And no, the animals don’t like it.

23. Let us leave and give Trinkler his privacy.

Is he licking that candy cane through a glory hole? Please don't tell me it's as dirty as it looks.

Is he licking that candy cane through a glory hole? Please don’t tell me it’s as dirty as it looks.

24. Oh, look, Elksie made a pie. Isn’t that sweet?

Uh, on second thought, maybe it's better to pass. Because I don't want to know what's in it. Also, that looks like a finger.

Uh, on second thought, maybe it’s better to pass. Because I don’t want to know what’s in it. Also, that looks like a finger.

25. Okay, what the hell’s going on with Rinky?

Guess the toys have had enough with him that they put him in a blender and served him as a smoothie. Yes, that's really sick, indeed.

Guess the toys have had enough with him that they put him in a blender and served him as a smoothie. Yes, that’s really sick, indeed.

26. Aww, Finley just spelled out Santa in blocks.

On second thought, he spelled out "Satan." And I'm not sure if he did it by accident.

On second thought, he spelled out “Satan.” And I’m not sure if he did it by accident.

27. No, Quinkler, don’t you dare hold Barbie hostage!

He even wrote a ransom note for Ken in the meantime requesting unmarked bills to his lawyer. Or else, Barbie gets it. Ken, I think you might want to take the deal.

He even wrote a ransom note for Ken in the meantime requesting unmarked bills to his lawyer. Or else, Barbie gets it. Ken, I think you might want to take the deal.

28. Sometimes Pinker just pisses off the wrong people.

Queen Elsa is perhaps the last person he'd want to piss off right now. Because he's now a giant ice cube. Hope he likes dealing with hypothermia.

Queen Elsa is perhaps the last person he’d want to piss off right now. Because he’s now a giant ice cube. Hope he likes dealing with hypothermia.

29. Guess Rumple messed with the Caped Crusader for the last time.

Sure Batman doesn't like killing, Rumple. But you must've done something really bad for him to hang you into the toilet.

Sure Batman doesn’t like killing, Rumple. But you must’ve done something really bad for him to hang you into the toilet.

30. What the hell are Tingle and Chuckie doing to Frosty the Snowman?

No, don't put him through the grater? Anything but the grater? Poor, Frosty.

No, don’t put him through the grater? Anything but the grater? Poor, Frosty.

31. Finnegan always enjoys going online.

I think it's best that the Quincys no longer allow him access to their technology ever again. Seriously, he can no longer be trusted.

I think it’s best that the Quincys no longer allow him access to their technology ever again. Seriously, he can no longer be trusted.

32. “I have plans for you, Tinkerbell.”

No, Finney, please don't. Sure Tinkerbell is annoying, but that gives you no right to set her house on fire.

No, Finney, please don’t. Sure Tinkerbell is annoying, but that gives you no right to set her house on fire.

33. “Hello, witches, show me your tits!”

Guess whatever happens in Oz, stays in Oz. Or at least we hope. But it seems that Kingsley has made them an offer.

Guess whatever happens in Oz, stays in Oz. Or at least we hope. But it seems that Kingsley has made them an offer.

34. Did Nibbler just decapitate Barbie? Holy shit!

Oh, God, he did! And he's saying that the Mullins family are next. They better call the police.

Oh, God, he did! And he’s saying that the Mullins family are next. They better call the police.

35. Inkling always loves to camp out in the great indoors.

Did he just shoot Rudolph and hang him from sticks to drain the blood? Santa's going to be furious.

Did he just shoot Rudolph and hang him from sticks to drain the blood? Santa’s going to be furious.

36. Seems like Prattle partied with the GI Joes while the Farquars were gone.

And it seems the GI Joes had him drink a lot of beer in the meantime. Wait until Santa hears about this.

And it seems the GI Joes had him drink a lot of beer in the meantime. Wait until Santa hears about this.

37. “Okay, ladies, it’s now lights, camera, action!”

The Morrises knew that Linky was into making films. They didn't know the kind of movies he made. Yes, he's deep shit.

The Morrises knew that Linky was into making films. They didn’t know the kind of movies he made. Yes, he’s deep shit.

38. Guess the chalupa was too much for Vinny.

Okay, that's really disgusting. But I'm sure it can be easily flushed away. Yeah, he's got diarrhea real bad.

Okay, that’s really disgusting. But I’m sure it can be easily flushed away. Yeah, he’s got diarrhea real bad.

39. What does Frinkleflam have here?

Jesus, did he ever learn from Elf on the Shelf school that the parents' toys are strictly off limits? Seriously, he wouldn't want to be caught dead with a dildo.

Jesus, did he ever learn from Elf on the Shelf school that the parents’ toys are strictly off limits? Seriously, he wouldn’t want to be caught dead with a dildo.

40. For a good time, call Buddy.

I hope it's not for what I think it is. Though I'm probably right.

I hope it’s not for what I think it is. Though I’m probably right as far as I know.

41. Poor, Peeta, he didn’t even stand a chance.

Yes, what elves like Flicker are capable of doing is quite chilling during the Hunger Games. Peeta never stood a chance.

Yes, what elves like Flicker are capable of doing is quite chilling during the Hunger Games. Peeta never stood a chance.

42. Zippy wishes the Bayrocks to sleep tight.

But saying while being near the knives? I really don't like how this will go down.

But saying while being near the knives? I really don’t like how this will go down.

43. That’s nice. Jax invited Rudolph for dinner.

Yet, from how I look at it, Jax wants Rudolph to be the main course. Poor Rudolph.

Yet, from how I look at it, Jax wants Rudolph to be the main course. Poor Rudolph.

44. Unfortunately, Snowballs got ensnared by the Abominable Snowman.

And it seems like this yeti likes to have his meat on the skillet. Not sure if he wants it rare, medium, or well done.

And it seems like this yeti likes to have his meat on the skillet. Not sure if he wants it rare, medium, or well done.

45. Looks like Pinsey doesn’t feel so good.

From what I could tell, he at least had 3 beers. Yeah, that's what a night drinking can do to you.

From what I could tell, he at least had 3 beers. Yeah, that’s what a night drinking can do to you.

46. Seems like Boxy likes to make some money on the side.

Look, Boxy, I understand if Santa doesn't pay you enough. But even if pot's legal in Colorado, doesn't mean you should be selling it. It might look bad in your next performance review.

Look, Boxy, I understand if Santa doesn’t pay you enough. But even if pot’s legal in Colorado, doesn’t mean you should be selling it. It might look bad in your next performance review.

47. Marky, why the hell did you set the gingerbread house on fire?

Now everyone in there will be burnt to a crisp. Jesus, Marky, are you psycho or something?

Now everyone in there will be burnt to a crisp. Jesus, Marky, are you psycho or something?

48. You might not want to look behind the shower curtain.

Seems like Frinkle has a knife on him. And he's out to kill. Stay on your guard.

Seems like Frinkle has a knife on him. And he’s out to kill. Stay on your guard.

49. Nankie and Glinkle, please stop that!

Look, twerking is fine at the North Pole and all. But please, this is a family establishment here!

Look, twerking is fine at the North Pole and all. But please, this is a family establishment here!

50. Mindy and Button always enjoy each other’s company.

For the love of God, please don't try lighting farts this time of year. That could cause a major house fire!

For the love of God, please don’t try lighting farts this time of year. That could cause a major house fire!

51. Himey always likes to explore new places in the Tortini house.

I believe Mrs. Tortini's underwear drawer is strictly off limits. Seriously, Himey, you dare not go in there!

I believe Mrs. Tortini’s underwear drawer is strictly off limits. Seriously, Himey, you dare not go in there!

52. Man, Grinsley is ripped!

Don't tell me he's a male stripper on the side. God, makes me wonder how much Santa pays them.

Don’t tell me he’s a male stripper on the side. God, makes me wonder how much Santa pays them.

53. Wilky, you’re not fooling me with your meth business.

You can wear the yellow suit and mustache all you want to. But you'll still go on the naughty list for this year.

You can wear the yellow suit and mustache all you want to. But you’ll still go on the naughty list for this year.

54. Trixie really takes to the cat for some reason.

No, Trixie, you can't cut the cat's head off. That's just sick and wrong on so many levels.

No, Trixie, you can’t cut the cat’s head off. That’s just sick and wrong on so many levels.

55. Seems like somebody made the cover of Wrapping Paper magazine.

Not sure what I think about the cookies and milk bit. But that's sure not a wholesome elf.

Not sure what I think about the cookies and milk bit. But that’s sure not a wholesome elf.

56. Blizter, let go of the cleaver!

For some reason, it won't end well with the family he's staying with. Chances are you'll regret being on his naughty list.

For some reason, it won’t end well with the family he’s staying with. Chances are you’ll regret being on his naughty list.

57. Winkles has a message for the Bobbsey kids.

Okay, Winkles, that's really not appropriate. Please keep your thoughts about Mrs. Bobbsey to yourself, thanks.

Okay, Winkles, that’s really not appropriate. Please keep your thoughts about Mrs. Bobbsey to yourself, thanks.

58. Moxie always had a mischievous side to her.

But this really goes way too far. For the love of God, please don't pull the lever and start a fire drill.

But this really goes way too far. For the love of God, please don’t pull the lever and start a fire drill.

59. Of course, Mitsy had to dress up as her favorite Star Wars character for the new movie.

Slave Leia, really? Hey, it's okay to like Princess Leia. But a more modest costume is best.

Slave Leia, really? Hey, it’s okay to like Princess Leia. But a more modest costume is best.

60. “I call this a lamb sandwich.”

Sorry, kids, but thanks to Bertie, lambkins is no more. I know it's a real shame.

Sorry, kids, but thanks to Bertie, lambkins is no more. I know it’s a real shame.

61. Before Christmas, Lingle means business.

Looks like he's dressed and ready for a crime spree. Okay, I think someone really needs to call the cops on him.

Looks like he’s dressed and ready for a crime spree. Okay, I think someone really needs to call the cops on him.

62. Mr. Jingles has something to say to the Heaths.

I think the Heaths are now shivering in dread at the moment. Yes, Mr. Jingles is dangerous.

I think the Heaths are now shivering in dread at the moment. Yes, Mr. Jingles is dangerous.

63. “Sorry, but all these Hostess mini muffins are mine!”

Guess Frankle's family is going to be incredibly pissed when they get home. Don't like the sound of that.

Guess Frankle’s family is going to be incredibly pissed when they get home. Don’t like the sound of that.

64. “Come on, Barbie, let’s get out of here.”

Did they just kill Ken? Together? Jesus Christ, Santa won't take this well from Glingle.

Did they just kill Ken? Together? Jesus Christ, Santa won’t take this well from Glingle.

65. Even Gollum thinks Quingle is a bit freaky.

Oh, God, please don't do anything to Gollum! All he wants his is precious the hobbitses stole from him.

Oh, God, please don’t do anything to Gollum! All he wants is his precious the hobbitses stole from him.

66. “Please, come and play with us.”

No, kids, you don't want to play with Ginger and Jenny. They want to kill you.

No, kids, you don’t want to play with Ginger and Jenny. They want to kill you.

67. Seems like Grangy really needs help after what happened last night.

He should hope that this sink doesn't have a garbage disposal. Because he won't last long if it's turned on.

He should hope that this sink doesn’t have a garbage disposal. Because he won’t last long if it’s turned on.

68. “Guess all bets are off, ladies.”

Man, seems like they really get into playing strip poker at that house. Wait a minute?

Man, seems like they really get into playing strip poker at that house. Wait a minute?

69. Guess Frazzle really makes himself at home with these teen boy dolls.

Are they drinking beer and smoking pot? Hope marijuana's legal wherever he is or he's busted.

Are they drinking beer and smoking pot? Hope marijuana’s legal wherever he is or he’s busted.

70. “Sorry, Woody, but a deal’s a deal.”

Did Stinker just behead Woody like that? Jesus, God Almighty. how could he?

Did Stinker just behead Woody like that? Jesus, God Almighty. how could he?

71. I think Frizzle really needs to find some better avenues for his imagination.

He seems to like Fifty Shades of Grey a bit too much. And now he's experimenting BDSM on Barbies.

He seems to like Fifty Shades of Grey a bit too much. And now he’s experimenting BDSM on Barbies.

72. Derry always likes to know what’s going on with the neighbors.

Let's hope he's just birdwatching or stargazing shall we? Because I really don't want to think he's spying on the neighbors as a peeping tom.

Let’s hope he’s just birdwatching or stargazing shall we? Because I really don’t want to think he’s spying on the neighbors as a peeping tom.

73. “Abominable Snowman, why did you have to mess with the time machine?”

Now it seems that Glinko and his friends are about to become a prehistoric banquet. Yeah, it doesn't look good.

Now it seems that Glinko and his friends are about to become a prehistoric banquet. Yeah, it doesn’t look good.

74. Waddly has a confession to make.

It seems that Waddly more than likely killed someone he thought deserved it. Sorry, but vigilantism is a crime for a reason.

It seems that Waddly more than likely killed someone he thought deserved it. Sorry, but vigilantism is a crime for a reason.

75. Bricker always likes to go for a ride.

However, from how I see it, he looks as if he's trying to break into one. Someone call the cops.

However, from how I see it, he looks as if he’s trying to break into one. Someone call the cops.

76. Penny always likes to check out the home copy machine.

And it seems like she's copying an image of her own ass. Now that's just real immature.

And it seems like she’s copying an image of her own ass. Now that’s just real immature.

77. Crinker really needs to cut down on the Reddi Whip.

And the small metal bottles, too. Seriously, Crinker needs help. Does the North Pole have any 12 step programs?

And the small metal bottles, too. Seriously, Crinker needs help. Does the North Pole have any 12 step programs?

78. Ringer, please, don’t disturb the baby.

And he seems to put a screwdriver in the baby's bassinet. Nothing good can come of this.

And he seems to put a screwdriver in the baby’s bassinet. Nothing good can come of this.

79. Querty, what did that North Pole seminar tell you about sexual harassment?

Please don't hang on the mother's tits. I don't care how you might find her attractive. That's just wrong.

Please don’t hang on the mother’s tits. I don’t care how you might find her attractive. That’s just wrong.

80. Minkler, you know very well not to have sexual relations in a stocking.

However, Minkler doesn't really seem to give a shit, does he? Guess he'll have to face a disciplinary hearing when he gets back to the North Pole.

However, Minkler doesn’t really seem to give a shit, does he? Guess he’ll have to face a disciplinary hearing when he gets back to the North Pole.

Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Vintage Christmas Advertising of Yesterday (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Now that Thanksgiving is finally over, it’s time for Black Friday to let the Christmas season finally commence. And I don’t think it would be more appropriate for me to start my cavalcade of Christmas posts than with some good old fashioned yuletide advertising. After all, chances are you’ve probably been bombarded with Black Friday special from retailers since after Halloween. Maybe even before that. Not only that, but several radio stations have already begun playing Christmas songs to so many people’s dismay who think it’s too freaking early. Now I’m fully aware that many people nostalgize over these old Christmas ads with their technicolor illustrations. However, I’ve done such posts twice before and the ads featured here surely aren’t those many tend to forget. In fact, many of them make you scratch your head, especially if it pertains to Santa doing stuff that put him squarely on the naughty list. And no, I don’t mean causing an Type II Diabetes epidemic every time he drinks a bottle of Coca Cola. So for your reading holiday pleasure, I give you some more vintage ads that might make your grandparents revisit parts of a time they’d rather forget.

  1. With Textron menswear, you can sled ride on a log in your pajamas.
And he's smoking a pipe as well as even has a guy pulling him with a string. Also, are those deer ladies in the background? Man, this ad seems to take inspiration from an acid trip.

And he’s smoking a pipe as well as even has a guy pulling him with a string. Also, are those deer ladies in the background? Man, this ad seems to take inspiration from an acid trip.

2. Pause and refresh with the great taste of Coca Cola.

Now this would make a perfectly good ad. If it weren't for that little bottle cap sprite boy handling the reindeer. Seriously, he gives me the creeps.

Now this would make a perfectly good ad. If it weren’t for that little bottle cap sprite boy handling the reindeer. Seriously, I guess he has the reindeer trample bad children.

3. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from Interwoven socks.

Also, watch Santa beat the living shit out of Axis power leaders. Still, the Japanese depiction is the mot offensive of the 3. Yellow peril, really?

Also, watch Santa beat the living shit out of Axis power leaders. Still, the Japanese depiction is the mot offensive of the 3. Yellow peril, really?

4. This year, Mrs. Santa Claus gets the greatest gift of all: a brand new refrigerator.

First of all, we know the guy dressed as Santa is her husband. Second, uh, fridges are appliances that should be for the whole family since everyone uses it. Not just the wife.

First of all, we know the guy dressed as Santa is her husband. Second, uh, fridges are appliances that should be for the whole family since everyone uses it. Not just the wife.

5. Why use a flying reindeer pulled sleigh when you can drive a 1950s muscle car?

Uh, Santa, I'm sure you really like that car. But seriously, falling into it from your sleigh really isn't a good idea. The next place could be the ER. Or six feet under.

Uh, Santa, I’m sure you really like that car. But seriously, falling into it from your sleigh really isn’t a good idea. The next place could be the ER. Or six feet under.

6. Lionel trains are always a great gift for young boys.

"Excellent. Soon I'll use this train set to carry out my plan to take over the world. Let's see if I can use it to run over my brother's gerbils."

“Excellent. Soon I’ll use this train set to carry out my plan to take over the world. Let’s see if I can use it to run over my brother’s gerbils.”

7. Santa Claus Soap is always best for laundry.

Okay, the Santa isn't that bad in this one, strangely enough. But if I were him, I'd watch out for that creepy child. She may have murder on the mind if St. Nick doesn't give her the chainsaw and hockey mask she wanted.

Okay, the Santa isn’t that bad in this one, strangely enough. But if I were him, I’d watch out for that creepy child. She may have murder on the mind if St. Nick doesn’t give her the chainsaw and hockey mask she wanted.

8. As Santa says, Chesterfield cigarettes come wrapped and ready.

Yes, nothing says Merry Christmas like the wrapped and ready gift of lung cancer, emphysema, COPD, and a 1 out of 3 chance of an early death. But here you have Santa with a cigarette in his hand. Way to put yourself on the naughty list, Kris Kringle.

Yes, nothing says Merry Christmas like the wrapped and ready gift of lung cancer, emphysema, COPD, and a 1 out of 3 chance of an early death. But here you have Santa with a cigarette in his hand. Way to put yourself on the naughty list, Kris Kringle.

9. Boys, spend your Christmas money on this Red Ryder Carbine BB gun.

Warning: Contains a strong possibility that you'll shoot your eye out, kids. Also doesn't come with a gyroscope as you might've thought from Christmas Story.

Warning: Contains a strong possibility that you’ll shoot your eye out, kids. Also doesn’t come with a gyroscope as you might’ve thought from Christmas Story.

10. Cameo stockings are always great Santa bait.

Yes, Santa loves to look at women who wear Cameo stockings from their windows. Of course, if he didn't have that magic sleigh and a sack full of gifts, he'd probably be subject to hundreds of restraining orders by now.

Yes, Santa loves to look at women who wear Cameo stockings from their windows. Of course, if he didn’t have that magic sleigh and a sack full of gifts, he’d probably be subject to hundreds of restraining orders by now.

11. Remember guys, ladies always love when you give them jewelry from Monet.

This guy's like, "I must've made a mistake. I only gave her some gold bracelets since she's a good friend of mine. Now she thinks we're more than that. Sure she's hot and I fantasize about sleeping with her. But I don't know if this is what I really want right now. I'm so confused."

This guy’s like, “I must’ve made a mistake. I only gave her some gold bracelets since she’s a good friend of mine and it was my turn to play Santa. Now she thinks we’re more than that. Sure she’s hot and I fantasize about sleeping with her. But I don’t know if this is what I really want right now. I’m so confused.”

12. Even Santa Claus himself wears a Botany Tie.

Sorry, but I don't think Santa should really go for business attire. If it weren't for the hat, he could easily be some grizzled old guy in accounting for all I know.

Sorry, but I don’t think Santa should really go for business attire. If it weren’t for the hat, he could easily be some mean grizzled old guy in accounting for all I know.

13. Don’t know what to give a man for Christmas? How about a pen?

Because nothing says "I didn't know what to give you this year but I know you hat ties" like a fancy overpriced pen. I'm sure your man will enjoy it.

Because nothing says “I didn’t know what to give you this year but I know you hat ties” like a fancy overpriced pen. I’m sure your man will enjoy it.

14. If you want to give your man something different, how about something among Avon’s all-men Christmas gifts?

Because nothing makes a manlier Christmas gift than a cologne decanter he can also use as a toy. The covered wagon one is particularly stupid.

Because nothing makes a manlier Christmas gift than a cologne decanter he can also use as a toy. The covered wagon one is particularly stupid.

15. Have your child dream of gingerbread men this Christmas with Royal baking powder.

I don't know about you, but that kid better wake up soon. Or else, surrounding magic gingerbread men might subject him to very terrible things.

I don’t know about you, but that kid better wake up soon. Or else, surrounding magic gingerbread men might subject him to very terrible things. That clown looks pretty shady, too.

16. Bob Hope tells you to hope for the best with Page & Shaw chocolates.

Sorry, but Bob Hope would've made a great Christmas movie horror villain in that Santa suit. Seriously, he's already giving me nightmares.

Sorry, but Bob Hope would’ve made a great Christmas movie horror villain in that Santa suit. Seriously, he’s already giving me nightmares.

17. For air-flight mileage on the road, give Fisk tires.

For one, Santa's sleigh doesn't need tires since it's pulled by reindeer and magic. Second, is he in space? If so, how is he and his reindeer able to function? Oh, right magic.

For one, Santa’s sleigh doesn’t need tires since it’s pulled by reindeer and magic. Second, is he in space? If so, how is he and his reindeer able to function? Oh, right magic.

18. For Christmas travel, you can always go on the Pennsylvania Railroad.

And here we have Santa creeping in on a girl in her sleeping car while the conductor seems to be fine with it. Okay, he probably understands. But it's kind of weird.

And here we have Santa creeping in on a girl in her sleeping car while the conductor seems to be totally fine with it. After all, Santa always sees you when you’re sleeping even on the train.

19. When seeing Santa at the mall, always remember to ask for the Plymouth your dad always wanted.

Because nothing says Christmas like parents using their children as pawns during a Santa visit. No, having your kid ask for a new car you want isn't being a good boy.

Because nothing says Christmas like parents using their children as pawns during a Santa visit. No, having your kid ask Santa for a new car you want isn’t being a good boy.

20. Don’t know what to give your woman for Christmas? How about a set of tupperware?

Because we all know that women can't get enough of colorful plastic containers to store food in. This especially goes for containers you can't put in the dishwasher.

Because we all know that women can’t get enough of colorful plastic containers to store food in. This especially goes for containers you can’t put in the dishwasher.

21. Make your Christmas morning a Kodak moment.

From Cracked: "The photograph that woman is taking is about to be mailed to that girl's mother with a ransom demand, possibly with a tiny severed finger included. That weeping girl has no idea where she is or who the monster behind that fine Kodak camera is. We suppose you could say that, in reality, this is just an ad about a mother photographing her little girl on Christmas morning, and this girl likes to open presents in bed (and the girl is apprehensive because she lives in an era when terror lurks around every corner). But Kodak actually had a whole series of these ads, and each and every one featured a woman photographing a young girl, in her bed, with a doll. Often against the girl's will."

From Cracked: “The photograph that woman is taking is about to be mailed to that girl’s mother with a ransom demand, possibly with a tiny severed finger included. That weeping girl has no idea where she is or who the monster behind that fine Kodak camera is. We suppose you could say that, in reality, this is just an ad about a mother photographing her little girl on Christmas morning, and this girl likes to open presents in bed (and the girl is apprehensive because she lives in an era when terror lurks around every corner). But Kodak actually had a whole series of these ads, and each and every one featured a woman photographing a young girl, in her bed, with a doll. Often against the girl’s will.”

22. What a wonderful Christmas to give a Borg scale!

Well, if anyone asked for it. Otherwise, a bathroom scale gift on Christmas is a way to say to a loved one that they really need to go to the gym or change their diet. Seriously, bathroom scales make horrible Christmas gifts.

Well, if anyone asked for it. Otherwise, a bathroom scale gift on Christmas is a way to say to a loved one that they really need to go to the gym or change their diet. Seriously, bathroom scales make horrible Christmas gifts.

23. GE cool brights are Christmas lights cool enough to touch.

Cracked: "OK, this kid is a little too on board with whatever is going on here. In 1970, GE wanted you to know that their lights were cool to the touch, and this little kid wanted to make sure that was the most awkward thing you learned about all day. Now, it's not this kid's fault that she got a haircut as bowl-shaped and lopsided as one of the Three Stooges, but the look on her face says that either there is something really freaky going on off-camera to the right or she's possessed. You can decide which is creepier."

Cracked: “OK, this kid is a little too on board with whatever is going on here. In 1970, GE wanted you to know that their lights were cool to the touch, and this little kid wanted to make sure that was the most awkward thing you learned about all day. Now, it’s not this kid’s fault that she got a haircut as bowl-shaped and lopsided as one of the Three Stooges, but the look on her face says that either there is something really freaky going on off-camera to the right or she’s possessed. You can decide which is creepier.”

24. For the guy in your life, you can always give him his own Iver Johnson automatic revolver.

Yes, ladies, give your men the gift that's a gleaming instrument of death. Let's hope the gun isn't hanging on the tree by the goddamned trigger while it's loaded.

Yes, ladies, give your men the gift that’s a gleaming instrument of death. Let’s hope the gun isn’t hanging on the tree by the goddamned trigger while it’s loaded.

25. From Harper’s Weekly 1865: Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

From Cracked: "This 1865 ad is actually just Harper's Weekly thanking its customers for their business. But studying it closely, we've developed a theory that the artist started drawing at the top and slowly went insane as he worked his way down. Because at a quick glance, this seems pretty standard issue old-timey Christmas, but our creep-ometer started going off when we saw Santa winking lustfully from the center, being all "Ladies ... I mean ... children." But keep going down to the bottom and you'll see that the town has gathered for the annual Christmas decapitations of their giant-headed residents, as is tradition, which has incorporated the usual Christmas tropes: swords, dwarfs, kung-fu fighting and exactly one clown. Also, the set appears to have caught fire, leaving no hope of escape for anyone in that crowded building."

From Cracked: “This 1865 ad is actually just Harper’s Weekly thanking its customers for their business. But studying it closely, we’ve developed a theory that the artist started drawing at the top and slowly went insane as he worked his way down. Because at a quick glance, this seems pretty standard issue old-timey Christmas, but our creep-ometer started going off when we saw Santa winking lustfully from the center, being all “Ladies … I mean … children.” But keep going down to the bottom and you’ll see that the town has gathered for the annual Christmas decapitations of their giant-headed residents, as is tradition, which has incorporated the usual Christmas tropes: swords, dwarfs, kung-fu fighting and exactly one clown. Also, the set appears to have caught fire, leaving no hope of escape for anyone in that crowded building.”

26. Christmas time is always Guinness time.

Misplaced wildlife aside, I think the Pelican might have a drinking problem. Just look how many bottles he has in its beak. That's not a good sign.

Misplaced wildlife aside, I think the Pelican might have a drinking problem. Just look how many bottles he has in its beak. That’s not a good sign.

27. A Morris car is always great for the whole family.

Don't look now but these kids walked on their mommy kissing Santa Claus or their dad in a Santa suit. And yet, neither seem very fazed about it at all.

Don’t look now but these kids walked on their mommy kissing Santa Claus or their dad in a Santa suit. And yet, neither seem very fazed about it at all.

28. Give your child a special gift for Christmas like a puppy.

For the love of God, don't give your kids a puppy for Christmas since dog ownership is a 10-15 year commitment. Seriously, don't do it. This ad sets a very disturbing trend because a lot of Christmas puppies end up neglected.

For the love of God, don’t give your kids a puppy for Christmas since dog ownership is a 10-15 year emotional commitment. Seriously, don’t do it. This ad sets a very disturbing trend because a lot of Christmas puppies end up neglected.

29. Real Silk hosiery is a great gift for anyone on your list.

Okay, this might not go well with the kids either since this well-dressed man is sitting with a Santa suit. Yeah, that might require some uncomfortable explanation.

Okay, this might not go well with the kids either since this well-dressed man is sitting with a Santa suit. Yeah, that might require some uncomfortable explanation.

30. Even Santa Claus himself enjoys a good smoke now and then.

Of course, remember that enjoying a good smoke will get your lungs full of tar and possibly result in a slow and painful death from lung cancer. Seriously, tobacco kills people for God's sake.

Of course, remember that enjoying a good smoke will get your lungs full of tar and possibly result in a slow and painful death from lung cancer. Seriously, tobacco kills people for God’s sake.

31. This Christmas give your family the gift that keeps on giving, life insurance.

Let's just hope this father doesn't intend to murder his family and cash in on the money. But I wouldn't be so sure about that.

Let’s just hope this father doesn’t intend to murder his family and cash in on the money. But I wouldn’t be so sure about that.

32. Make this a Browning Christmas with a brand new arsenal.

Great for NRA members and crazy nutjobs for their survivalist bunkers. What more could they ask for?

Great for NRA members and crazy nutjobs for their survivalist bunkers. What more could they ask for?

33. There’s nothing more a woman wants from Santa than a new fur coat.

Okay, Santa, buying expensive gifts for women is one thing. Tucking a sleeping woman in a fur coat? Well, that's just goddamn creepy.

Okay, Santa, buying expensive gifts for women is one thing. Tucking a sleeping woman in a fur coat? Well, that’s just goddamn creepy.

34. Take in the aroma of the holiday season on our December 10th Open House at Sandberg Funeral and Cremation Services.

Because there's nothing that's in the spirit of Christmas than dwelling on the notion of your loved one's imminent mortality. Hope they have senior discounts because funerals are expensive.

Because there’s nothing that’s in the spirit of Christmas than dwelling on the notion of your loved one’s imminent mortality. Hope they have senior discounts because funerals are expensive.

35. Nothing makes a great Christmas treat than hot Dr. Pepper.

Uh, Frosty, you know you shouldn't be around hot drinks for obvious reasons. Also, hot soft drinks are disgusting.

Uh, Frosty, you know you shouldn’t be around hot drinks for obvious reasons. Also, hot soft drinks are disgusting.

36. Give your lady the best she deserves for Christmas like a Hoover.

Oh, God, please don't. Seriously, vacuums are noise machines used for cleaning. Women will not love it.

Oh, God, please don’t. Seriously, vacuums are noise machines used for cleaning. Women will not love it. If my boyfriend gave me one, I’d seriously flip out. Great Christmas gift, you say? Hell no!

37. Mackintosh’s Quality Street sweets are enough to even tempt Santa.

Then again, Santa is overweight and prefers baked goods so it's not too much of a stretch. However, he should beware of Bo Peep and the giant toy soldier behind him.

Then again, Santa is overweight and prefers baked goods so it’s not too much of a stretch. However, he should beware of Bo Peep and the giant toy soldier behind him.

38. Kids, how about give your dad a Zippo lighter for Christmas this year?

Let's hope the kid on the right doesn't accidentally light himself on fire with one of those near his ass. Because that would cause a major disaster.

Let’s hope the kid on the right doesn’t accidentally light himself on fire with one of those near his ass. Because that would cause a major disaster.

39. This Christmas, introduce your wife to the joys of canning.

Uh, seriously? Unless she runs her own cottage business, I'm not sure if a bottling outfit is even necessary. I mean this is wrong on so many levels.

Uh, seriously? Unless she runs her own cottage business, I’m not sure if a bottling outfit is even necessary. I mean this is wrong on so many levels.

40. Men, need a last minute gift for the women in your life? Go with Pyrex.

Because nothing says "I didn't put any thought in your Christmas gift and put off my shopping till the last minute" like Pyrex tupperware. Yeah, Pyrex, what a way to promote yourself.

Because nothing says “I didn’t put any thought in your Christmas gift and put off my shopping till the last minute” like Pyrex. Yeah, Pyrex, what a way to promote yourself.

41. More Santas want Fruit of the Loom underwear for Christmas than any other brand.

Because we all know how men proudly hang out on Christmas in their undies isn't very unusual at all. Still, this is pretty awkward.

Because we all know how men proudly hang out on Christmas in their undies isn’t very unusual at all. Still, this is pretty awkward.

42. Doubl-Glo icicles always deck the best dressed Christmas trees.

I don't know about you. But I wouldn't trust that Santa if I were you. He doesn't seem like himself lately.

I don’t know about you. But I wouldn’t trust that Santa if I were you. He doesn’t seem like himself lately.

43. Ann Page foods are of Christmas quality.

Uh, Santa, we know you like food and all. But I suggest you might want to take it down a notch. You're scaring the children.

Uh, Santa, we know you like food and all. But I suggest you might want to take it down a notch. You’re scaring the children.

44. Nothing makes a great Christmas eggnog like Bacardi.

Still, you may not want the eggnog making duties to fall on Santa's elves. Because who knows what else is in their recipe.

Still, you may not want the eggnog making duties to fall on Santa’s elves. Because who knows what else is in their recipe.

45. Please, Santa, can you give Mommy a Hoover!

If she were my daughter, I would say, "You better not ask Santa for a Hoover, young lady!" Because I hate vacuums.

If she were my daughter, I would say, “You better not ask Santa for a Hoover, young lady!” Because I hate vacuums.

46. At Singer, you can always find the best gifts for your family.

Notice in this ad that the son has a Singer record player while the daughter has a toy sewing machine. Sexist? I'll say. Besides, in those days, I'd rather have the record player or the typewriter.

Notice in this ad that the son has a Singer record player while the daughter has a toy sewing machine. Sexist? I’ll say. Besides, in those days, I’d rather have the record player or the typewriter.

47. Remember, guys, ladies always love a man who’d give them a new fur coat. Just ask Santa.

Santa, I don't think Mrs. Claus will approve of you being between these two lovely women. Please, I don't know how she puts up with you being such a perv.

Santa, I don’t think Mrs. Claus will approve of you being between these two lovely women. Please, I don’t know how she puts up with you being such a perv.

48. Give year round pleasure this Christmas with ice buckets.

"Just think, in 50 years, our grandkids will use these to dump ice on themselves for ALS donations. You know that disease that killed Lou Gehrig? Is that cool or what?"

“Just think, in 50 years, our grandkids will use these to dump ice on themselves for ALS donations. You know that disease that killed Lou Gehrig? Is that cool or what?”

49. Santa says that nothing makes a more ideal Christmas gift than weapons.

Using Santa to sell guns and archery equipment, that's just crazy. Then again, deer hunting season is usually over by this point anyway.

Using Santa to sell guns and archery equipment, that’s just crazy. Then again, deer hunting season is usually over by this point anyway.

50. Murad cigarettes: The great Christmas present for grown-ups.

Yes, this smoking Santa ad has him encouraging kids to buy cigarettes for their parents. Because that's what adults want. Let alone that tobacco kills 1 out of 3 of its users worldwide.

Yes, this smoking Santa ad has him encouraging kids to buy cigarettes for their parents. Because that’s what adults want. Let alone that tobacco kills 1 out of 3 of its users worldwide.

51. The results are in, everyone wants Mrs. Claus’s ironing table.

What Mrs. Claus needs is a desk to answer all those letters. Also, what good is having all those elves around if they won't do the ironing for you?

What Mrs. Claus needs is a desk to answer all those letters. Also, what good is having all those elves around if they won’t do the ironing for you?

52. What she’s dreaming for this Christmas is a White sewing machine.

From Buzzfeed: "I’m positive this is not the “white Christmas” she was dreaming about." I kind of agree.

From Buzzfeed: “I’m positive this is not the “white Christmas” she was dreaming about.” I kind of agree.

53. Santa’s future is still in the bag with Mutual Life Insurance.

I don't know about you. But I don't know why Santa would need life insurance exactly. I mean it's widely said he goes on forever.

I don’t know about you. But I don’t know why Santa would need life insurance exactly. I mean it’s widely said he goes on forever. This doesn’t make sense.

54. Have all your gifts initialed with Seagram’s V.O.

From Flashbak: "The 1965 Class of Alcoholics Anonymous. Perhaps, the choice of graduation gifts could’ve been more thought through."

From Flashbak: “The 1965 Class of Alcoholics Anonymous. Perhaps, the choice of graduation gifts could’ve been more thought through.”

55. Ladies