It’s always been a Christmas tradition for kids to see their local Santa Claus impersonator to request on what they want for Christmas. It’s also been a tradition that children have their picture taken with Santa as well. Still, while Santa Claus is supposed to be an old jolly bearded fat man in a red suit who’s supposed to inspire holiday cheer and adoration from children, sometimes the portrayal doesn’t go too well. Of course, there are times when people have to make do with what they got when it comes to having a Santa Claus, yet when it goes wrong, the side effects could range from unfortunate photo ops, frightened children, and the jolly Christmas icon seeming more suited for a horror movie than the festive holiday season. Nevertheless, there have been moments in which Santa doesn’t seem so nice and it’s the sketchy Santas I’ll show you in this post. So without further adieu, I present a treasury of Santas whose laps nobody would want to sit on. Some of these may not be safe for work.
1. Looks like Santa Claus has been drained of the spirit of Christmas.
“Yes, I get that you’d want Elsa from Frozen like every other goddamn kid I’ve seen today. And for God’s sake can’t you just take the picture to get it over with? I’m holding a screaming kid in my arms.”
2. Someone doesn’t feel jolly this holiday season and I don’t think it’s the kid.
Kind of reminds me of the mall Santa on A Christmas Story who told Ralphie, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid. Ho, ho, ho” before pushing him down the chute. Still, this guy must hate his job.
3. Seems like Punisher Santa doesn’t really understand children.
“So I asked the kid what he wanted for Christmas and I stood for the picture. So it ain’t my fucking fault that he burst into tears at the sight of me!”
4. While the baby doesn’t seem to be too upset, I’d be scared to death if this Santa was posing with my baby.
Yes, I’m sure that this babe will do nicely for being Santa Claus’ next meal, literally. Santa always loves feasting on the fresh bodily flesh of innocent babies.
5. “Why, Johnny, that’s an interesting balloon you have, I wonder if that’s a present for your parents. And I’m sure I wouldn’t put it between your legs if I were you.”
Now this Santa and kid photo op is quite awkward because there’s something rather inappropriate about it. And I don’t think Santa putting his arm around the boy does anything to help.
6. Nothing turns off anyone more than the presence of a Santa Claus in his underwear.
Only Mrs. Claus could ever find such a man attractive and probably took the picture. At least I hope so. Too bad someone found it to post on the Internet.
7. Take it easy on him, kids, since Santa’s been implicated in some barroom brawl the night before and hasn’t been feeling himself lately.
Yes, and Santa is now sporting a shiner due to being punched in the face and being hit on the head with a bottle.
8. Now I know he’s supposed to be Santa Claus but his face kind of reminds me of Old Man Winter.
“Your roads and driveway will be a bitch to clean up once I’m done with them. So expect being late to work more often this holiday season.
9. Santa shares a photo op with a couple of kids and Beppo the clown.
Seems like Santa doesn’t enjoy sharing the spotlight this Christmas season,especially with a clown that is more suitable for Halloween nightmares. Still, I’m sure the clown is going to get it once he and Santa get off from work.
10. I can’t tell whether Santa is a bit peeved by getting squashed by two ladies on his lap or thrilled to death for the same thing.
“Sure I may be gasping for breath but at least I have girls on my lap who are over 18 years old. Hope they ask for a jolly fat sausage for Christmas this year.”
11. Looks like the boss had Vinnie play Santa for the annual Christmas party on behalf of the Family’s kids.
“Man, when Don Vito said he’ll make me an offer I can’t refuse, I didn’t mean it would amount to posing with his bratty kids in this stupid costume. God, I feel like I just want to whack somebody for this. Then again, maybe I should’ve refused the offer.”
12. Since Santa couldn’t make it today, I’m sure the evil Saruman from Isengard will make a good substitute. I mean he has a white beard doesn’t he?
“I think I’ll take this little girl with me to Middle Earth. I’m sure the other one won’t miss her sister that much.”
13. “Well, how would you feel if you had to spend once a year breaking into people’s houses through their chimneys just to leave something nice for their kids?”
Of course, I’m sure that while the kid seems perfectly composed, Santa seems to be a bit pissed. Then again, imagine if you had to deal with reindeer pooping on people’s roofs.
14. Here’s Santa Claus sitting with what appears to be Rhoda Penmark. You know the girl who killed that boy over not getting the Penmanship Award on a field trip.
“Of course, I see you when you’re sleeping and know when you’re awake. Also, I know you’ve been really, really, bad this year so no presents for you, kiddo.”
15. “I have you now, my pretty, and I could’ve gotten your little dog, too. But the mall doesn’t allow pets.”
“So if you want to see your daughter again this Christmas, give me some of those Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies and a T-bone steak near the tree with a bottle of Dom Perignon. Oh, and a ransom of $5,000 because those presents don’t pay for themselves.”
16. “Did this girl just pee on my knee?”
“Man, that little shit just cost me a pair of red pants. Now what am I going to tell the manager? God, I hate kids.”
17. “I’ll just stick my hand right there for safety-sake, Bobby… Ol’ Santa wouldn’t want ya slippin’ of his lap, now would he?”
Hey, Santa, you aren’t supposed to touch kids between their legs. Still, at least you won’t see that Santa again because I’m sure those parents complained. Yet, this poor boy is scarred for life.
18. Zombie Santa Claus seems very hungry for little kids’ brains. Sadly, Ritchie would never be seen again after this picture was taken.
“Mommy, don’t let him take me! He’s dead, I tell you! And he wants to eat me!” But Ritchie’s mom just wouldn’t listen.
19. Yes, Santa Claus gives toys for the good girls and boys but he will come back for their souls later.
Sure these two girls may look happy, but little do they notice the evil lurking within the Sinister Mr. Kringle. Yes, kids, Santa Claus is evil incarnate.
20. Seems like it’s Christmas in Disneyland.
Remind me not to go to visit Disneyland with my kids during the holiday season. Also, seems like Santa’s about to do something kinky with Mickey and Minnie Mouse.
21. Now here’s Saint Nicholas with three of his helpers. Hey, wait a minute, those aren’t elves!
For those not familiar with David Sedaris, this picture was taken in the Netherlands. While we all seem to recognize Saint Nicholas as the bearded white guy, those three guys in blackface are 3 of the 6 to 8 black men. Of course, this is the main reason why I wouldn’t recommend black people to travel to the Netherlands at this time in December.
22. While you want your kid’s first visit with Santa to be memorable, make sure it doesn’t traumatize them for life.
Now if a Santa Claus manages to be so menacing to frighten babies, then you might want to go to another Santa. Seriously, I can see why this baby is totally shitting its diaper right now.
23. “Come sit on Santa’s lap. I have candy canes.”
“Mommy, please don’t let me sit with the scary bearded man. Please, Mommy. It’s not funny, Mommy. I’m serious, Mommy.”
24. Looks like eye shadowed Santa has a gift for all the kids who sit on his lap.
“And can you please give Mommy a boxed set of 50 Shades of Grey and a DVD of Secretary? Also, can you please give Daddy a pair of wifebeaters?”
25. While he’s on break, Santa Claus likes to strum his guitar and drink a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Of course, who would’ve thought that Santa Claus is a terrible role model for children? Still, he’ll probably be totally wasted once he’s back to work.
26. Of course, this is what you get when you hire the homeless guy outside a Kmart to play Santa Claus.
And from how that baby’s acting up, I’m sure this Santa certainly smells like a homeless guy. But at least this Santa didn’t have to grow a beard.
27. “Oh, Ms Tammy! Those the set I brought ya last year? How ’bout Ol’ Santa brings you a nice shiny pole to go along with’em!?!?!?”
My, my, it seems that Santa Claus has been a very, very naughty boy this year. Guess he’s not getting any presents at least from Mrs. Claus.
28. Creepy Ghost Santa said, “So, Sally, what would you like for Christmas this year? Oh, wait a minute, you probably already answered that question in your nightmares.” Of course, this was right before he chopped her with an axe.
From Neatorama: “This Mr. Claus looks so cold and lifeless that I can’t help but wonder if they just let all the youngsters take their Santa photos with a dead Kris Kringle. Whatever the story behind this picture, the end result is horrifying.”
29. Only in an adult club could a guy sit on Santa’s lap wearing a speedo and holding a tenor saxophone.
Santa Claus: “Okay, if I have to deal with this kind of shit on a daily basis during this gig, consider me not open to putting the red suit on next year.”
30. “Looks like the Valium is about to kick in at any moment…..right about now.”
“Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Right on Santa Claus Lane, Zzzzzzz.”
31. “Ewww, Santa’s breath smells like our drunk Uncle Harry during a bender.”
“Sorry, kiddies, but Santa always has to drink at least a few shots of bourbon before breakfast. It’s how he manages to deal with cranky elves and out of control reindeer in their games. Now he needs another drink.”
32. Come to see Santa Claus, he’ll let you ride on his donkey.
From Neatorama: “Again, this vintage Santa picture is simply terrifying and the bearded man looks more like a monster than St. Nicholas. Even the taxidermied donkey looks more alive than this Santa Claus.” Hope this little girl survives her visit to Santa and lives to tell the tale.
33. “Hold yer britches, Brittany, Daddy ain’t finished telling Santa Claus what he wants for Christmas.”
Santa: “I’m sure your little Brittany will get everything she wants for Christmas. Yet, as for you, I’ll sure give you some shotgun shells, a six pack of beer, five years probation for your mama, and those mudflaps with the naked ladies.”
34. Remember, parents, don’t take your child to visit Santa Claus during the dead of night. Especially when he says, “This child is the right size for roasting.”
Santa: “So little girl, what would you want for Christmas this year?”
Little Girl: “Mommy, please, don’t make me sit on that man’s lap! He looks like he wants to eat me!” (Runs off unable to stop screaming.)
35. Terrorists, say hello to Santa’s little friend, the assault rifle.
Granted, he’s most likely an American soldier playing Santa during his tour of duty who’s recently besieged by combat. But still, this is pretty damn funny.
36. Sometimes adults like to take their picture with Santa Claus as well, especially couples.
I bet Santa is like, “Boy oh, boy, wish I could put my hands on that rack of hers. What knockers!” Pervert.
37. While Santa Claus isn’t having kids sit on his lap, you can see him outside directing traffic.
Looks like Santa is very much enjoying this gig that he’s doing a little dance at the intersection. Still, he better watch out since there may be a car coming right at him.
38. Why, yes, Virginia, you can have your cat pose in a picture with Santa Claus.
Now this Santa seems so terrifying that even the cat is freaking out. Still, I bet Santa is going to have a lot of scratch marks once this photo op is over.
39. Before he started his career on 60 Minutes, the late Andy Rooney used to do stints playing Santa Claus at the mall. He wasn’t received well.
If you think Andy Rooney plays a terrifying Santa Claus, you should see Santa portrayed by actors like Gary Busey, Jack Nicholson, Peter Lorre, and Steve Buscemi. Then again, you’d rather not.
40. Would you let this man deliver presents for your kids around Christmas Eve?
I’m sure Santa Claus is back from his stint in jail and is vowing to catch the real culprit for the crime he didn’t commit through any means necessary. Let me say, there will be hell to pay for someone this Christmas.
41. Hey, I didn’t know John Goodman’s character from The Big Lebowski was a mall Santa.
I haven’t seen The Big Lebowski, but I’m sure things aren’t going to be good if this baby’s father is The Dude. Still, this Santa looks as if he has a score to settle.
42. “Now you be a good girl and go tell your momma Santa’s got a big, special present just for her…”
I don’t like the look on that Santa’s face and neither does the girl on his lap. In fact, she wishes she wouldn’t want to sit on Santa’s lap anymore.
43. “Oh, yes, I’m making a list and checking it twice.”
However, judging by this Santa’s face and the kids’ faces, I can’t really decide whether this Kris Kringle is naughty or nice.
44. Santa Claus really likes children sitting on his lap.
Unfortunately, this little boy is absolutely terrified of him and perhaps so am I. Still, you’ll never escape from the man they call, “The Claus.”
45. A tired Santa Claus prepares his way to go down the chimney.
From Neatorama: “If Santa looked like that in modern Christmas movies, I think kids would stay up at night in horror rather than excitement as they went to bed expecting him to come down the chimney.”
46. “All right, photo 1,546 coming right up. Damn, you’d think I’d have migraines after a spending a day with people flashing cameras in my face.”
“Ho, ho, ho, Santa needs a break from this, really. How many more kids do I have to pose with before I pass out?”
47. Just Old Kris Kringle curled up with a bottle of booze on his lunch break.
He’s probably trying to drown his sorrows over the fact that Mrs. Claus may be fooling around with one of the elves. Still, I think Santa may have a drinking problem here.
48. “I’ve got plans for you, Goldilocks.”
Santa seems to be plotting something and I don’t like the look on his face either. Neither does the boy. Seriously, how can anyone think Santa doesn’t look evil in this?
49. Heeeere’s Santa!
Perhaps this Santa should tone the holiday cheer down a bit. Because he almost seems to have the appearance of the neighborhood psychokiller with a $50,000 reward dead or alive.
50. Santa Claus: Jolly old gift giver who brings tidings of comfort, joy, and good cheer or Snidely Whiplash in disguise.
Okay, Dudley Do-Right, you win. Still, Snidely hasn’t really aged all too well has he? And he’s put on a lot of weight, too.
51. “Certainly, Mr. Gregson, I’ll take very good care of that redheaded stepson of yours….for a while.”
From Neatorama: “Indeed, poor little Zak looks like he’s being kidnapped for ransom money by this gruff-looking Mr. Claus.”
52. These eyes have certainly seen a darker side of Christmas.
I’m sure your child is perfectly safe with this guy who might be on some kind of “registered offenders” list in some states.
53. “I saw Mommy spanking Santa Claus/Underneath the mistletoe last night.” And looks like Santa didn’t seem to mind.
Oh, yes, spank that fat Santa ass will you. Because Santa has been a very naughty boy if you know what I mean.
54. Don’t look now but I think there’s a scary red suited beardy man behind you.
“All right, which one of you told Daddy that they saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus? Well, that’s no presents for you Chloe.”
55. “For the love of God, how much time do I have left for this?”
“Be a mall Santa, they said. It would be fun, they said. Boy, those bastards were terribly wrong.”
56. Just because a little girl may have a shirt that says she loves Santa, doesn’t mean she actually does.
Of course, Santa is only taking the job because it looks good on his resume as well as impresses his parole officer, not to be critical.
57. Sorry, kids, looks like Santa has been drinking too much eggnog lately.
Perhaps this picture perfectly explains why Grandma got run over by a reindeer that fateful Christmas Eve. Obviously, Santa was drunk that night, too. Wonder if he’s heard of Alcoholics Anonymous or the 12 step program?
58. “I always love it when they squeal.”
“Yes, cry my little one! I’m always energized and refreshed by the cries of innocent children! Ho, ho, ho! Their tears always give me great nourishment.”
59. Santa: “So, little lady have you been a good little girl this year?”
Little Girl: “Mommy, get me off this scary man’s lap! I’ll be good, honest I will! Just get me out of here! Please don’t force me to sit on his lap, please!”
60. Sorry, kid, but there’s no escaping Santa now!
“The best part about this job is that they let kids sit on your lap and you don’t have to go through a background check.”
61. “I was only kidding about Rudolph being hit by a 747.”
“Hey, can’t a little kid take a bit of gallows humor this holiday season? Jesus, what the hell is wrong with this boy?”
62. It’s said while Santa gives bad kids coal for Christmas, he puts bad elves in the fire for kindling.
Let’s just hope that if this is a good kid because I would be terrified if I find out that she’s a horrible little elf. Still, I could see evil in this Santa’s eyes beneath his fluffy white beard.
63. “Here, you take him, I think he just spoiled my robe here.”
I don’t know about you but if this photo didn’t take place somewhere in Europe, then the Santa hood has got to go. Otherwise, Santa looks like some evil red cloaked wizard.
64. Yes, Virginia, Santa loves cats.
He also knows a lot a ways to skin them as well, not to be critical. Still, would you want your cat to sit with this man?
65. “Do you think the child is frightened by the wig? Or is it just me?”
Let’s just sum up what makes this Santa terrifying as hell: 1. The ugly wig you’d see on someone playing George Washington. 2. The beard you’d see on a homeless bum. 3. The red hood which you’d likely see on a cult leader.
Still, I can see why this baby isn’t a happy camper.
66. While parents love to take their kids to see Santa, they always try to avoid seeing a flashing one.
We may divided on whether to see Santa at the mall this year, but there’s certainly a consensus that nobody wants to see a naked Santa. Ho, ho, hell no!
67. Sorry, kids, but Santa has to get a lap dance from Mrs. Claus.
Nice to see the two having that spark after all these years together at the North Pole. Still, do they have to make out in front of everyone? That ain’t right.
68. He sees you when you’re sleeping, He knows when you’re awake, He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.
Okay, the concept of posing with your kid while Santa watches out the window is actually rather terrifying if you ask me.
69. Come into Santa’s car. He’ll take your requests and give you free candy.
Sure he may be Santa Claus or some known sicko dressed up as Santa Claus to lure children with free candy. Either way, I wouldn’t risk it and keep the hell a way from him.
70. Sometimes it’s every child’s wish to see Santa during the Christmas season.
Sometimes, it’s Santa visits like this that will forever live in these children’s nightmares. Still, this Santa seems like he wants to do very naughty things to these innocent souls in his workshop.
For more: Bad Santas- http://suburbanturmoil.com/the-very-best-of-bad-santa/2013/12/18/
The Lone Girl in a Crowd 