We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Sixth Edition)

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Of course, no one can celebrate Christmas without Christmas cards. After all, it’s probably one of the only holiday greeting cards people still send to each other. Many of them would contain generic images like the bell one above. But they mostly consist of Christmas trees, snowmen, nativity scenes, wreaths, and what not. Many may hold nostalgia for these vintage cards which can be beautifully painted. However, alongside the lovely vintage cards, there are some that don’t seem to make any sense, especially if they come from the Victorian era. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas cards from decades past.

  1.  Santa going down the chimney is always a special treat.
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Here Santa asks himself, “Why do I have to go down chimneys when it’s more convenient to go through the front door instead? That would at least save me from all the aches and soot all over me.”

2. Santa fills his sack.

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Yet, even though his sack is already full, it won’t be enough. Mostly because he has to deliver presents to millions of kids in one night. And he knows it.

3. Celebrating Christmas alone is always dismal.

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Hey, the guy didn’t spend Christmas at a Waffle House. Now that’s really depressing, especially if you have to work there.

4. “Here’s Santa.”

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Well, you can’t expect Santa to wear his iconic red suit every Christmas Eve. This is especially if he suffers a wardrobe malfunction while trying it on.

5. Read the tea leaves for a joyous Christmas.

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What the hell do tea leaves have to do with Christmas? Any hint here? Seriously, why?

6. Even garden gnomes enjoy building giant snowmen.

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Just look at one of them slide down. Also, is it really snowing?

7. Watch where you ride your bike this Christmas.

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Cause you could ride off the edge and end up in the water. So don’t read and drive.

8. No one could resist kids and animals, especially on Christmas.

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Here a little girl hangs some green stuff over her dog. The dog isn’t pleased in the very least.

9. Winter time is always the right time for a sled ride.

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Guy’s probably thinking, “Why did I have to do this? Couldn’t Mabel and I just spend a peaceful afternoon playing backgammon near the fire? I hope we don’t die.”

10. All she wants for Christmas is cash.

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Here she’s got bags of it. Must have very wealthy parents. So she won’t have a problem snagging a husband. Even if he’s below her standing.

11. Krampus seeks all the bad kids during the holiday season.

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Yes, he uses a global tracking system to locate them. Hear Donald Trump’s kids are on the top of his list.

12. Krampus abducts the bad kids.

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Girl’s like, “Thank you for kidnapping my brother, Krampus. He’s a complete piece of shit.”

13. Don’t forget to hang your stockings close to the fire.

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Though I think that might be too close if you know what I mean. Also, the kids look rather creepy if you ask me.

14. Krampus often appears alongside St. Nick this holiday season.

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St. Nick gives toys to the good girls and boys. Krampus gives bad kids what they deserve. Yet, both figures act like they’re like seeing kids at the mall for photo ops here.

15. Santa wishes you a Merry Christmas.

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Okay, that’s a creepy Santa. Not sure if I want to receive toys by that terrifying old man who seems more out for blood than wanting to spread joy and cheer.

16. Don’t be an ass this holiday season.

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What the hell do donkeys have to do with Christmas? I know they’re in nativity scenes but still.

17. May you all have a happy Christmas.

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Unfortunately, these kids don’t seem to be celebrating with joy and cheer. Then again, there was plenty to be blase about in the 1800s.

18. Merry Christmas from the child abducting Snow Queen.

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Kind of reminds me the white witch meeting Edmund. But without the hard drug of Turkish delight, which is crack in Narnia.

19. Everyone knows the little drummer boy. But what of the little shepherd boy?

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He kind of feels left out in the whole nativity story. Still, the big eyes are kind of creepy. No hard feelings, Margaret Keane.

20. Merry Christmas from the clown and turkey pageant.

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The turkey reminds me of Doc Brown from Back to the Future. While clown just plain gives me the creeps for some reason.

21. Even cats enjoy the occasional sleigh ride.

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Let’s hope nothing upsets whatever’s in the bag. And I hope the lantern doesn’t set anything on fire.

22. Share a toast for the holidays.

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And yet, this card features children boozing it up. What the fuck? Seriously, these kids seem like they’re a bunch of alcoholics.

23. Here the children watch for Santa by the fireplace.

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That kid on the chair reminds me of a weird-looking kid from a Saint Vincent de Paul statue at my college. And yes, the girl’s features are way out of proportion.

24. No one can resist a couple of cats on Christmas.

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One cat’s like, “How about you wear this white skirt?” While the white cat’s like, “Hell, no, I’ll wear the red one instead.”

25. Kid clown wishes you a merry Christmas.

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Okay, why is the kid in a clown costume around Christmas? Seriously, Halloween was like over a month ago.

26. When Christmas dinner’s done, it’s time to dance.

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And yet, they’re all dressed up in costumes, confused by what holiday this is supposed to be. One’s even dressed as a wizard.

27. Goat wishes you a happy Christmas.

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Just what do goats have to do with Christmas? Seriously, I have no idea. Can someone elaborate for me?

28. Nothing says Christmas like a vegetable beating.

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Man, can’t believe the early years of Veggie Tales featured such graphic violence. While the carrot’s like, “What the hell are you doing?”

29. On Christmas, some kids get all the presents.

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And this kid seems really happy with al the stuff they have. And if you attempt to play with any of their shit, they will kill you.

30. Krampus always has to put the kids in the basket.

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Krampus is like “Stop crying, I don’t have all night here.” While the girl’s just smiling and sitting pretty.

31. Here Krampus flies on his broom of brats.

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Though most of these kids seem under the age of 3. Far too young and innocent to be considered either bad or good.

32. “I’ve come to collect.”

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The kids are like, “Oh, no, please don’t take us. We’ll be good. We swear.”

33. Krampus doesn’t care about pulling a girl’s hair out.

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He’s like, “You don’t want me to yank your hair out, do you. Now get in the basket.”

34. Santa looks at his Christmas orders.

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Here he’s thinking, “Oh, great, Elsa doll again. Can’t these girls ask for anything else like a dollhouse?”

35. Krampus always enjoys his work.

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Indeed, he’s got a sadistic streak. So these kids are in for a world of pain.

36. Why would Santa need a sleigh if he can just fade into the background?

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After all, he’s wearing a red suit that goes with the wall. And he’s about to teleport to the next house.

37. Grasshopper and moth wish you a merry Christmas.

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Well, the grasshopper’s supposed to be the fairy queen’s messenger. Whatever that’s supposed to be. Seriously, what was this designer smoking?

38. “Who thought getting a flamingo to Santa was a good idea?”

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Yeah, if you’re a small garden gnome, that’s no a good idea at all. This is especially during the holiday season, especially in Florida after a freak snowstorm.

39. This boy just wants to make it easier for Santa.

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Seriously, Santa should take advantage of the convenience. The boy’s making him an offer he can’t refuse.

40. “There you are Krampus.”

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For when you’re adult, you can pull a Krampus like a rabbit out of a hat. So he can’t scare you anymore.

41. Dogs wish you a happy Christmas.

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Though the puppy looks a bit evil looking. Like it plans on chewing on your new clothes just for the hell of it. Or peeing on your new carpet.

42. Merry Christmas from an attack dog and the donkey that steals your laundry.

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Why would anyone hang their clothes on the line in winter? Seriously, that’s the worst time of year to do so.

43. Compliments of the season from the bugs with a basket.

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I’m sure whatever’s in the basket isn’t having a good time. Since the bugs intend to feast soon enough.

44. What’s faster the snail or the cockroach?

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The cockroach and butterfly of course. Snails are incredibly slow creatures. Also, why is this a Christmas card?

45. Merry Christmas. Now watch these pigs and gnomes riding bikes.

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Who the hell rides bikes during the winter? Seriously, this is messed up on so many levels.

46. “May Christmas render your heart and home full of happiness.”

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Featuring a gnome who kind of resembles Santa. But he’s small and near some ivy. Not sure why it’s there.

47. If Krampus comes, helps if you come prepared.

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Girl’s got her whip in case he comes behind her. She’s not going to risk getting kidnapped. Or at least without a fight.

48. Loving Christmas greetings from a rickshaw.

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And it has to be the girl who has to do the pulling. Kind of sexist if you ask me.

49. Christmas time is one of cheer.

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Yet, the chick’s not feeling it for this band. Also, shouldn’t this be an Easter card instead? Seriously, why use Christmas?

50. Fish always dig into the soup.

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Okay, wonder how they use their fins to hold eating utensils. Seriously, you’d think this was straight out of Spongebob Squarepants.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Sixth Edition)

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Of course, we can’t have Christmas without all that annoying Christmas music you want to shut yourself away from and can’t avoid. Seriously, even before Thanksgiving, you find it everywhere. But after Thanksgiving, Christmas music is turned up to overdrive. And yes, it’s annoying and will make your ears bleed if you’ve ever had to work in retail. Still, you don’t have to be the artists who recorded them. Since they have to do these while on their summer vacations. Anyway, while some of these covers may be stunning like this Beatles one above, a lot of these aren’t that memorable. In fact, some of them are kind of tacky and in poor taste. Others haven’t aged well and can be rather unintentionally funny. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage Christmas album covers. Enjoy.

  1. Les Menestrels: Tetes Decembrees de Noel
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Why is that one head smiling? The woman’s like she’s ready to mount them on her wall with her hunting trophies.

For nothing says Christmas like a blond woman holding 2 disembodied heads.

2. Toby Keith: Classic Christmas

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Yet, I have no idea why he’s wearing a Santa hat over his cowboy hat. I mean make up your mind already. Also, it’s clearly photoshopped.

Celebrate the season country style.

3. Shelley Duvall: Merry Christmas

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Though I’d rather have them clean my house. Also, are those reindeer or horses?

Featuring cartoon woodland creatures.

4. Dynamite: Dynamite’s Soul Christmas

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Give him some Jack Daniels whiskey and sandwiches instead. Maybe a few bottles of the former.

Sorry, kids, but Santa’s through milk and cookies this year.

5. 98°: This Christmas

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Yet, they must use really good bleach because their outfits stand out more than anything else. Also, clearly photoshopped.

These guys must be dreaming of a white Christmas.

6. Vincent Lopez: Christmas Music

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Santa sits back on a plastic chair like he’s drunk off his ass. Also, that chair can’t be very comfortable.

Cause even Santa needs a break now and then.

7. Soulful Dynamics: Dying Snowman

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Sure, it would’ve been a decent cover if it wasn’t for the title. Also, the snowman’s face just says it all.

When you want to spice up the holiday season with some existential dread.

8. Los Tremendos Sepultureros; El Nino del Tambor

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Seriously, why do they have a woman in a sleazy Santa outfit? Now the guys are really anticipating their Christmas lap dance.

For the guy who wants to hold his bachelor party during the holidays.

9. Xmas a Go Go

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Seriously, these guys seem like they’re just doing the album for the money. And that they’d rather be somewhere else like on vacation.

For the J and K pop band who needs a few extra bucks.

10. The Joy Strings: Christmas with the Joy Strings

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Also, what the hell is that black girl doing here? Does she have a black parent taking the picture? Was she adopted? Or is she there just to bring some mandatory diversity among the kids? Seriously, her appearance needs some context.

Brought to you by one of the guys from Goodfellas.

11. Freunde: Wir Warten Auf Weihnachten

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This guy doesn’t seem to like being Santa. Maybe he should throw a toy at the kids. Can start with that plush bunny.

When you have to work as a mall Santa around kids with no consideration for your personal space.

12. Edna Gallix: Petit Papa Disco Hit Noel

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What the hell is that woman wearing? The cape over the sleeveless outfit doesn’t make much sense to me.

When St. Nick likes what he sees.

13. Cabbage Patch Kids: A Cabbage Patch Christmas

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Yes, these dolls were very popular during the 1980s and 1990s. And no, I have no idea why they’re in the winter cold only wearing sweaters.

Apparently, these dolls can sing.

14. Crazy Frog: “Jingle Bells/Last Christmas”

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I mean frogs wouldn’t be out during the winter since they’re cold blooded. And they wouldn’t be rolling snowballs without a coat on either.

Well, this frog is sure damn crazy.

15. Diommy Kito: Xmas Memories

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After all, these guys have devil ears and pitchforks. While the woman between them doesn’t have much on.

You can tell something went naughty at this party.

16. Paul Kuhn and his Orchestra: Christmas Polka

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He seems to have a lot of cans of it, too. Wonder if he’s planning to enter an eating contest.

When you just have to help yourself to some yuletide sausage.

17. Filobin: Filobin Chante Noel

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Kind of reminds me of Pennywise’s accountant. And ladies, please, don’t take his rose or he will kill you. Mark my words.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you a singing Christmas clown.

18. Ferrante and Teicher: Xmas Hi Fivories

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Though I’m not sure if they know what they’re doing. Also, what’s in that one reindeer’s bucket? It better not be water.

Reindeer repairing pianos standing by.

19. Lula: Natal Alegre

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You can see how Santa eyes the woman with a pervy stare. I’m sure Mrs. Claus won’t be happy about this.

Apparently, Santa digs chicks with pink hair.

20. King Diamond: No Presents for Christmas

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And apparently, the reindeer doesn’t seem to appreciate it. Least of all posing with a guy from a KISS cover band.

Don’t forget to decorate your reindeer this Christmas.

21. Lady Gaga: A Very Gaga Holiday

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Since the text seems to run into her picture. For God’s sake, you can barely see the title.

Sometimes the font seemed like a good idea at the time.

22. Lynn Anderson: The Christmas Album

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Yeah, her face just seems like she’s smiling but has feelings of anxiety and annoyance inside. And she’s getting impatient.

When you pose for an album that you do because you’re under contract.

23. Mambo Santa Mambo: Christmas from the Latin Lounge

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Yet, the dancers are shown in yellow light with some dark shadows. While the woman’s dress opens quite high on her thigh.

Christmas time is always great for a mambo.

24. The Roller Disco Orchestra: Non-Stop Christmas Disco

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And yes, some guys are dancing to it. Still, I don’t get the Christmas disco craze. Seriously, why?

For when your Christmas can’t get more 1970s.

25. Rod Stewart: Merry Christmas, Baby

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Still, the album image and title might appeal to Boomers, I don’t consider Rod Stewart as sexy at any rate. For God’s sake he sounds like he has throat cancer.

For when you record a Christmas album to prove you still got it.

26. Rolf Harris: Rolf Harris Sings Mary’s Boy Child

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Sure dad and child look at the nativity lamp. But I’m sure if I’d trust the guy with that kid. Kind of seems creepy.

Of course, you can’t forget the reason for the season.

27. Connie Canuso: Connie Canuso Sings “Someone Painted Rudolph’s Nose a Chocolate Brown”

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Girl seems freaked out by the fact. Still, that reindeer in this cover looks incredibly terrifying for some reason.

So does make Rudolph having to function as a normal reindeer?

28. Natal Jovem: Boas Festas

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Well, they’re bodies and heads seem quite close together that it’s freakish. Also, their eyes are rather funny.

Brought to you by a freaks 3 headed Santa.

29. Shonen Knife: A Shonen Knife Christmas Record for You

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Yes, there’s a group called Shonen Knife. There are even lyrics for “Space Christmas,” which I really don’t want to listen to.

Dress styles inspired by Mondrian.

30. Jularbo: Jul med Jularbo

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One of the accordion players is alleged to be the father of Weird Al Yankovic. But as of now, that theory is inconclusive. Still, one accordion is enough, okay?

Introducing 3 Santas playing polka.

31. James Brown: James Brown’s Funky Christmas

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For an artist as legendary as James Brown, you’d think he’d have the best album cover designer. This seems more straight out of some software printshop program from the 2000s.

Cover by dated graphics program.

32. Larry the Cable Guy: Christmastime in Larryland

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And he’s wearing a Santa hat over a camo hat. Still, the smiling disembodied head just freaks me out.

Featuring Larry’s disembodied head.

33. Lawrence Welk: “Jingle Bells”

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After all, the parents are in their pajamas and giving the ornaments a shine. And I thought I had a problem with procrastination.

Apparently, this family was quite late decorating their Christmas tree.

34. Merle Haggard: Merle Haggard’s Christmas Present

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One daughter has a wide collar on her red dress. One seems dressed like Waldo in coveralls. While a boy’s got stripes on a real tacky brown shirt.

Here with his guitar and embarrassed that he’s one of the only member of his family normally dressed.

35. Ames Brothers: The Sounds of Christmas Harmony

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The dad’s touching the boy’s shoulder and I’m not sure whether it’s appropriate. Probably is. Also, I don’t think the mom should hold the candle that way.

The family that sings carols together stays together.

36. Los Diplmaticos: Navidades

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Actually, people would rather you not. Since they’d rather get drunk, eat, socialize, or open presents. Mostly the last one.

I’m sure everyone wants to hear your sax solo at the Christmas party.

37. Gary Glitter: Another Rock and Roll Christmas

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I’m sure that’s just a coincidence. Still, the outfit and hair are so 1970s. Also, he got involved in a sexual misconduct charge involving minors.

Is it just me or does he remind me of Dewey Cox from Walk Hard?

38. Celine Dion: Chantes et contes de Noel

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Yet, you’d almost think the kids surrounding her are ready to crush her. Wonder if she can get out of there in one piece.

Guess this was for a French Candian audience.

39. Heinjte: Weihnachten mit Heinjte

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Though the cover’s clearly photoshopped. Also, his eyes kind of reveal that he doesn’t want to be there.

Apparently, one’s never too young to celebrate Christmas solo.

40. Tino Rossi: “C’est la Belle Nuit de Noel.”

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Well, some kid took his beard. Still, doesn’t seem too fazed over it. Maybe French kids think about Santa differently. But the teddy bear thinks otherwise.

“Hey, you’re not Santa.”

41. Baldo: Petit Pepe Noel

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Yet, there’s one guy who seems rather excited by the upcoming Christmas bar drinking. The other guys play it cool.

“Christmas beer for everyone.”

42. Jimmy Jules and the Nuclear Soul System: Christmas Done Got Funky

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Not sure if that’s a good idea. This is especially if the only white guy bears a slight resemblance to Steve Buscemi.

Apparently, they decided to go shirtless for the cover.

43. The Lundstroms: Colorado Christmas

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Since all the women and girls in this obviously have their hair styled in some unnatural way. Kind of reminds me of pictures you’d see on Awkward Family Photos.

Brought to you by copious amounts of hairspray.

44. Jimmy Sturr and His Orchestra: “Polka Christmas” in My Home Town

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He also wears a black shirt with a pink sweater. And he doesn’t care the least. Nor does he mind the godawful upholstery.

Here Jimmy spends Christmas all by himself being the true loner he is.

45. La Tuna Estudiantina de Cayey

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The lollipops look like they’re eaten. While the snowmen have no personality.

Featuring candy snowmen and candy canes.

46. Merry Christmas

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The red background doesn’t do any wonders for them. Also what are those ball gift things?

When you want to look cool for the holidays but fail.

47. We Wish You a Merry Christmas

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Apparently some are wearing leis. Did they do this photo op while on a Hawaii vacation? Or did some wear whatever they had on at the time?

Featuring all the artists who were under Warner Brothers contracts.

48. Three Suns: Christmas Party

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Even the illustrated bird is like, “what the hell, man.” Yeah, it’s quite strange looking isn’t it?

And one that seems to go with formal attire in ornaments.

49. Alvin Styczynski: Alvin’s Christmas Album

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You know the guy who thinks he’s such a great musician but will never leave. Because the music industry is a cutthroat business that only values looks.

Featuring music by that guy you know in accounting.

50. Jim Jones & Skull Gane: A Tribute to Bad Santa

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One guy sits on a throne with Jack Daniels and a cigar. While the other guys are behind sacks. Or are they in them?

You mean the forgettable film starring Billy Bob Thornton?

Deck the Halls with These Christmas Craft Projects (Fifth Edition)

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Of course, we can’t celebrate Christmas without some decorations. Though stores had them inside in October, once Halloween’s come and gone, you’ll find more of them than you’d see for Thanksgiving. At least in the US. Since other countries don’t necessarily celebrate Thanksgiving. Anyway, while some might prefer shopping for Christmas decorations, others might want to make their own. But unlike the treats which will go bad if you don’t eat them within a short period of time, you can stash these craft projects in your attic once the yuletide season’s done and take them out again and again in subsequent years. So for your reading pleasure this holiday season, I give you another assortment of delightful Christmas craft projects. Enjoy.

  1. Hope you’ll be cool enough for this ice skate bouquet.
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Has evergreen branches and white flowers inside. Makes a great centerpiece.

2. For a more retro-looking Christmas, this is the wreath for you.

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It’s a bauble wreath with of shiny ornaments of great variety. And all in bright colors.

3. Perhaps you’d want some stuff ornaments.

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These are made of felt and consists of Christmas trees and stockings. The stockings have hearts while the trees sport some colorful ornaments.

4. Protect your hands with this Santa pot holder.

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It’s crocheted, too, by the way. Even has a pom pom for his hat.

5. Bet you’ve never seen twisty ornaments like these.

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They’re supposed to resemble vintage ones. Consists of beads, string, ribbons, and whatever that cylinder thing is.

6. You might want to consult this snowman on giving you the time of day.

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Though I’m not sure if the clock actually works. But I like the jewel on his hat.

7. You can hold anything in these reindeer flower pots.

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Each is painted with reindeer attributes. Though their antlers are made from cardboard and sport jingles.

8. Greet holiday visitors with these wooden reindeer.

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Each have twig antlers and a large jingle around their neck. Come in male and female.

9. Don’t like wreaths? Try a wooden snowflake.

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You can hang it outside or indoors. Makes a perfect cabin decoration.

10. Grace your holiday home with some crocheted Christmas trees.

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Can come in a variety of colors and patterns with ribbons on top. Some even have beads.

11. Got dead bulbs? Put them in glitter.

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Some of these have snowflakes on them. Perfect for any winter wonderland. So pretty.

12. Perhaps you might want to wrap string around some Christmas trees.

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Actually these are from a special kind of string. Still, love the intricate Christmas star toppers.

13. There’s something minty about this wreath.

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Well, these are red and white mints, not candy canes. Also topped with a light green bow.

14. Impress your guests with these tiny trees at Christmas dinner.

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It’s made out of small tree slice and a tree twig. Star has guest’s name.

15. These are rather strange gingerbread houses.

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Since they’re made out of painted flower pots. Love the candy and colors on them.

16. With white yarn, you can build a snowman.

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Just make sure to give him a wire hat and arms. Also, string to help him retain shape.

17. Stun your holiday guests with this candy cane button tree.

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Sure it might not smell of peppermint. But you have to love the bow on top. So pretty.

18. Enhance your tree with these plaid ornaments.

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These are in a black and red pattern. Also contain snowflakes for a wintry effect.

19. A shiny button tree will make your spirits bright.

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Has shiny beads on it, too. Love the beautiful pink star on top.

20. Green hair is always in with the Christmas season.

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It’s one of those doll ornaments. She also carries a large bauble that could easily be her purse.

21. This amigurumi snow family will melt your heart.

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Consists of a mom, dad, and a baby. However, unlike real snowmen, you can keep them inside.

22. A rustic Christmas tree can always use a burlap snowflake.

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Even has some wooden red beads in the middle. Held up by a thin red ribbon.

23. You’ll be hooting for this owl ornament.

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It’s made out of a pinecone. Love it’s fluffy eyes. So adorable.

24. You can’t do without a bauble that has flowers and jewels.

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I guess the flowers were painted on. While the jewels were added later.

25. A pink ornament can always use some pearls and roses.

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Also includes lace and a pink ribbon. It’s supposed to look a bit old-fashioned. So pretty.

26. A glittery reindeer can use a few touches.

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This reindeer wears a light blue bow with a flower and pearls. And she’s looking fabulous.

27. Maybe you’d like a little yarn Santa.

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Though this one wears a rather brownish hat. Still, so cute.

28. You’ll adore this jingling angel.

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This one’s made out of folded cloth and jingles. Perfect as a Christmas ornament.

29. A crocheted gingerbread belongs on any Christmas tree.

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This one has a smiling face. And it poses no risks of being in an oven.

30. Dress for your Christmas party with these dainty Christmas tree earrings.

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These are made out of beads. But will certainly go with that ugly sweater of yours.

31. Deck the halls with this burlap garland.

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Yes, red and green burlap does exist. Just go to a local craft store. Also, lights up.

32. A bauble tree like this is perfect for any winter wonderland.

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This one has silver and blue baubles with silver beads. Perfect for any holiday mantle.

33. Everyone will love these stuffed heart ornaments.

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Yes, they’re made out of felt. But each one has a unique stich pattern.

34. Get a load of these stockings.

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Each of these is red and white. One has jingles on its edge. The others have pearls.

35. A large bauble garland is perfect for any fireplace.

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You’d almost think this house is in Whoville. Festive but kind of excessive, don’t you think?

36. Little elves would love these Christmas finger puppets.

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Little elves would love these Christmas finger puppets.

37. If you need a simple decoration, just add pinecones and baubles.

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You put them in flower pots with evergreen branches. Perfect to put outside your winter cabin.

38. You’d want to hug this crocheted Rudolph.

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This is from the old 1960s Rankin and Bass cartoon they play every year during the Christmas season. Nonetheless, it basically celebrates that being different is bad unless you can prove yourself useful.

39. Ring in the holidays with these trees.

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They’re felt tree ornaments with jingles on them. Perfect for any Christmas tree.

40. How about a large jolly Santa wreath?

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Seems to have rather skinny legs. Still, it’s kind of adorable.

41. Get in the Christmas spirit in a sparkly white dress.

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She’s one of those doll ornaments. And yes, she carries a glittery star.

42. Felt lights can always brighten holiday spirits.

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And they come in so many different colors. Feel free to put on as many as you want.

43. Nothing can be sweeter than these gingerbread house ornaments.

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Yes, they’re made of felt and come with trees. And yes, they come in many variations.

44. Everyone can enjoy a dress of gold.

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This doll ornament sports a large gold bauble. Perfect to hang on any tree.

45. A winter wonderland can use a wreath of snowflakes.

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These might be made from cardboard or wood. Perfect for a winter themed home.

46. A red holiday dress will make spirits bright.

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She has red pom poms on her head and carries a red glittery star. Her belt has a silver rose.

47. Dreaming of a white Christmas? Write it on a snow globe.

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This is a chalkboard snow globe. But we’ll have less white Christmases in the future because of climate change.

48. A beaded snowflake will always sparkle.

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This one has a lot of pearl beads. Great for hanging on the tree.

49. This is a unique Christmas tree.

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This one has rings and baubles inside. Also has a burlap bow and a silver star.

50. You’ll be frosty for this snowman apron.

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Or snow woman apron since it’s made for the fairer sex. Even has button eyes.

51. Don’t forget to gather some cinnamon sticks.

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Well, the sticks are tied up by yarn and have holly on it. Wonder how they smell.

52. Feel free to cover these trees with yarn.

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They’re topped with yellow pom poms. Great for any fireplace mantle.

53. Cat fanciers would love this ornament.

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It’s painted like a cat. Also wears a Santa hat. But keep it away from your cat.

54. For a frosty Christmas, this snowman wreath is for you.

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This one has a rather fancy hat and incredible bow. Perfect for any rustic Christmas cabin.

55. A small terra cotta tree is better than none.

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These are small flower pots stacked over each other and painted green. Decorated with beads and jewels.

56. Do you want to build a glassy snowman?

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The buttons, eyes, and nose are made from paper. Also, wears a scarf and hat.

57. Protect your hands with this crocheted Rudolph pot holder.

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This one has a large red nose. A nice addition for a fine Christmas kitchen.

58. A winter scene belongs on an ice skate.

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Contains a snowman and some pine trees on a hill. Has evergreen branches and berries inside.

59. You can’t go wrong with these Christmas tree earrings.

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These are made out of wire with beads. Not very hard to make if you have the right stuff.

60. Grace your yard with this snowman pallet.

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This one has a snowman in a blue night background. And he wears a bowtie instead of a usual top hat.

61. You’ll find some mistletoe on this crystal ornament.

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Well, the mistletoe isn’t real. And the berries are in red glitter.

62. Celebrate the reason for the season with these nativity scene panels.

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There’s only 3 of them in long strips. They consist of Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus.

63. How about a Christmas tree made out of sticks?

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This one has all kinds of ornament descending from the branches on the wall. Even lights up.

64. A Christmas star should always be made from sticks.

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These are made from thin branches from a tree and tied together. Also lights up as you can see.

65. A green ornament can always use some fringe.

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Well, this is more of a sea green. Has gold ribbons, green beads, and white roses.

66.  Silver hair goes with a silver dress.

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She carries a silver glittery star. Great for any holiday themed tree during the Christmas season.

67. Decorate your Christmas tree with some Santa flower pot ornaments.

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These have crocheted hats with holly on them. While the beards are quite curly.

68. Greet your holiday visitors with this decomesh snowman.

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I’m sure he’ll give you a rather frosty reception. Still, I like the hat. Very spiffy.

69. Perhaps you might prefer a more retro wreath.

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Consists of reindeer, baubles, toadstools, holly, and a gnome. Goes perfect with a silver Christmas tree.

70. You’ll find a few nuts with this snowflake.

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This is made out of wire and screw nuts. Can easily find these materials in a garage or a local hardware store.

71. These Santas will always charm.

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These have fringe beards and wire glasses. And yes, their button eyes check lists twice.

72. Felt trees make a nice addition to your holiday home.

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These even have red bead ornaments. While both sit on a wooden stand.

73. This snowman ornament is quite frosty.

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This one has a knitted hat and painted face on a bauble. Includes dice decor on the hat.

74. Got a white door? Build a snowman.

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This one just consists of paper pieces you can just put on. And yes, it’s quite ingenious.

75. These stockings look quite fuzzy.

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These have pom pom edging. Available in green and red as well as multiple patterns.

76. Can I interest you in a Santa tree?

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This one consists of red and silver baubles. The pot is red with a belt and buckle.

77. Nothing makes winter memorable like these flower pot snowmen.

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These are all painted with hats and straw brooms. Available in red, green, and blue.

78. A bare bauble can use a jeweled cover.

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Okay, the beads aren’t real gems. But you have to love the blue flowers on this.

79. These baubles can use some snazzy zigzags.

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These consist of stripes of glue and glitter. Still, I’m sure making them will cause a huge mess.

80. Celebrate Christ’s birth with these nativity finger puppets.

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All are made out of felt. But full display will require multiple hands.

81. These snowflake hearts won’t freeze your holiday spirit.

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They’re all made of felt with blue snowflakes on them. Perfect for a winter wonderland tree.

82. A fancy blue ornament can use a few flowers.

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This one has a few curls from the bow. Also has jewels.

83. Grace a rustic fireplace with these burlap Christmas trees.

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These are dowels wrapped with burlap in a Christmas tree shape. Includes copper stars.

84. Perhaps you might want a fancy jeweled ornament on your tree.

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This one has plenty of jewels on it. And it seems to glimmer in the light. Like the flower design.

85. A simple wooden Christmas tree will do.

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This one has hooks for tiny ornaments. While a paper red star sits on top.

86. A Christmas wreath can use a snowflake.

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Also has evergreen branches along with silver, pearly white, and red baubles and jingles. Great for any Christmas door.

87. A Christmas wreath can use a large red bow.

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Includes evergreen branches and red berries. Great for greeting visitors during the holidays.

88. Count down to Christmas with this Advent bucket calendar.

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Each bucket contains a special surprise. And it’s usually candy.

89. Greet your Christmas visitors with this basket display.

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Includes branches, berries, and ribbons. Says, “Merry Christmas” on a metal tag.

90. You’ll find a few trees with this yarn pom pom wreath.

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The trees are in several different colors in the center. Kind of reminds me of a Dr. Seuss cartoon.

91. Nothing is sweeter than this hanging of gingerbread men.

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They even have different patterned bow ties. held by a wire with branches.

92. A pink beaded Christmas tree will always shimmer.

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This one is made out of beads and safety pins. While there’s a nice silver star on top.

93. Decorate your tree with these tree slice ornaments.

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There’s one Santa and several snowmen. Wonder why that is.

94. Maybe you can use a paintbrush Santa.

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Each of these has a funky hat. While a jingle and a bow sits on top.

95. These wooden snowmen will delight your winter holidays.

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Each of these has a snazzy hat and scarf. Like the snowflake buttons on 2 of them.

96. This Christmas wreath is all spooled.

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Rather it’s made out of spools. And they have blue, pink, and red thread on them.

97. A red frame can use a couple baubles and snowflakes.

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This one has a couple pearly white baubles and a few shimmering snowflakes. Perfect for any Christmas door.

98. Any child would love these charming stockings.

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These have plush decorations. Available with a Santa, snowman, and reindeer.

99. You’ll find these snowmen a bit blocky.

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Yes, they have blocks stacked on them. Some more than 3. Yet, you got to love their stars.

100. This winter, don’t forget to change into your winter snow tires.

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Well, they’re snowmen made out of tires. And yes, they’re still around even when it doesn’t snow.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen on These Christmas Treats (Sixth Edition)

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As with most holidays, food plays a prominent role in Christmas, especially since it involves relatives coming over. After all, you can’t celebrate a major holiday without receiving a big feast. That many will put down weight loss for their New Year’s resolution and join a gym that they’ll only use a few times in January. Of course, you’ll find plenty of desserts that show Christmas motifs like Christmas trees, Santas, snowmen, candy canes, gingerbread men, reindeer, and more. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of delectable Christmas treats. Enjoy.

  1. Treat your guests this Christmas to some reindeer cake.
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Comes with holly edging at the bottom. Topped with a red nose and antlers.

2. Drink hot chocolate by the fire with some gingerbread marshmallows.

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Hope they don’t taste like gingerbread. Because that would be rather disgusting.

3. Anyone would love this reindeer candy.

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You can see it’s made from a Reese’s cup. Love the face and bow. So cute.

4. Snowman cookies will always belong on your Christmas dessert platter.

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These have 3 dough balls and pretzel sticks. Decorated by icing.

5. Hate Christmas? Try these Grinch cookies.

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These just show the Grinch’s hand holding an ornament. But it’s a picture with icing.

6. Snow globe cookies are the treat of the season.

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These are made from gingerbread. While the globes have Christmas trees inside.

7. Want a gingerbread cookie on a stick?

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Okay, these are sugar cookies iwth gingerbread faces. They even wear bows to indicate gender.

8. Care for some gingerbread fudge?

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Funny, that it doesn’t look brown. Wonder if it tastes like gingerbread. Hope not.

9. Feast your eyes on some Rudolph snacks.

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Each of these consists of those bread crackers with chocolate antlers. The eyes and nose are made from candy.

10. Wake up this Christmas to some Santa pancakes.

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Has a beard of whipped cream and a hat of strawberries. Also has banana ears and candy facial features.

11. These snowman cookies will melt in your mouth.

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Each of them has white icing with chocolate chips. The carrot noses are made out of candy.

12. These snowman truffles come with their own Oreo hats.

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And they seem like they’re minding their own business or about to do some kind of song and dance routine. So adorable.

13. Send an edible arrangement with this apple slice Christmas tree.

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Well, the apple slices consists of the bows. Though you got plenty of fruity stars.

14. These snowmen cookies are all melted.

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They’re basically 2 cookies stacked on top of each other. And they’re both covered in white icing.

15. A broccoli wreath makes a perfect Christmas veggie platter.

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The stars are made from cheese. The ornaments and bow are made from tomato.

16. For a more rustic Christmas, try these cookies.

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Yes, these are professionally made onto gingerbread. But at least they have a more naturalistic feel.

17. Door cookies will always have you begging for more.

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These have wreaths on them. And some may not have edible decorations like the bows.

18. Want a slice of holly wreath cake?

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Each of these is in a diamond slice with berries and a leaf etched icing. Love how it’s chocolate.

19. Stick your cracker into this snowman cheese ball.

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This one has asparagus arms and a pea pod scarf. It even wears a wreath on its head.

20. Anyone would get shivers for this penguin cake.

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This one has a red and green party hat. Love how it waves its wings. So cute.

21. Reindeer Oreos are a grand Christmas treat.

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Each of these is covered in white icing. Sport red antlers and M&M eyes and nose.

22. Get a load of these Christmas tree pretzels.

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These are made from pretzel sticks and drizzle. Each is in a bright color and decorated with sprinkles.

23. You have trouble with these tree and wreath cookies.

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These are decorated with green and red icing. And they’re not very complicated to make.

24. Grace your Christmas dessert platter with some snow globe cupcakes.

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Yet, each seems to feature scenes in Florida for some reason. Even the ones including snowmen next to palm trees, which isn’t realistically plausible.

25. Hope these ornament cookies make your mouth water.

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Each of them has a hole for a gel filling that’s covered in candy sugar. Not sure how that’s possible.

26. These Rudolph cookies are filled with chocolate chip goodness.

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Each has a Reese’s cup in the center. Antlers are made from pretzel bits.

27. Kids can’t resist these Rice Krispie treat reindeer.

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Both are on sticks and have chocolate antlers. But they’re nonetheless adorable.

28. You’ll have peace on earth with this angel cake.

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Sure, it’s not incredibly elegant. But you have to admire the wings and halo.

29. Perhaps your Christmas veggie platter can use some elegance.

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This one contains olives and cherry tomatoes. Perfect for more formal Christmas parties.

30. You’ll find these Christmas tree fudge cookies minty fresh.

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Since they contain candy cane bits on them. While the bottoms are chocolate.

31. This gingerbread chef cake is king of the kitchen.

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Has a cute little chef’s hat. While a bow appears around its neck for effect. So cute.

32. Nothing can top these North Pole cupcakes.

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This one is covered in white icing with a stick and a marshmallow on top. Real simple to make.

33. These snowman peanut cookies won’t receive any frosty reception.

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Each of these has M&M buttons. Perfect for leaving out for Santa.

34. Care to put some holly on your log cake.

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The holly on this cake is chocolate by the way. Berries are probably cherries or fake.

35. Put this Christmas tree on your fruit platter.

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Mostly consists of grapes because they’re green. The garlands are orange slices while the star is a starfruit.

36. Pull a bun off some Christmas tree bread.

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This one has a lot of toppings on them. Can see some cheese and basil leaves.

37. You may delight in this kiwi Christmas tree.

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This one only has strawberry ornaments. A rather minimalistic approach.

38. You’ll fall over for this polar bear cake.

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The polar bear’s just been through a skiing accident. Also wears a Santa hat.

39. Decorate your Christmas dessert platter with these ornament cake pops.

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Each one of these is covered with icing. Green ones have snowflakes. Red ones have holly.

40. You’ll feel at home with these Christmas cookies.

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Each of these is decorated for Christmas. Some of the wreaths have sprinkles, too.

41. Mouse king cheese fudge slices make an ideal Christmas dessert.

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Though remember he’s a character from The Nutcracker. And he’s kind of vicious enough to give you nightmares.

42. You can’t go wrong with reindeer marshmallow pops.

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Has chocolate pretzel antlers. Perfect for gift bags.

43. Holly and leaf gingerbread cookies are just what you need for the season.

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They’re glazed in shiny icing too. Also made out of gingerbread. But berries and leaves come separately.

44. Perhaps you can use some candy cane dessert.

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This mostly consists of sweetbread wrapped into a candy cane. Not sure if it contains any fruit.

45. There’s nothing frosty about these snowmen cake pops.

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This mostly consists of sweetbread wrapped into a candy cane. Not sure if it contains any fruit.

46. These Christmas cake balls will surely delight in the season.

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They’re white with red and green icing. Each contains something associated with Christmas like Santa, snowman, stocking, tree, and lights.

47. These Christmas trees cupcakes are rather untamed.

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These are just trees made from icing. Perfect for any rustic dessert platter.

48. How about a Christmas tree cookie on a stick?

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These are just trees made from icing. Perfect for any rustic dessert platter.

49. These snowman cakepops are great for any snowy day.

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Each of these is bundled up in pink. Perfect for any Christmas dessert platter. So cute.

50. Holiday present cookies are full of surprises.

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Actually they contain M&Ms. Available in red and green.

51. Care for some Christmas tree brownies?

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Actually they contain M&Ms. Available in red and green.

52. Perhaps you can warm up to these Santa cake pops.

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Been awhile since I did anything with Santa on this post. Still, each of these is covered in icing. Like the hats.

53. Gingerbread snowflake cookies make for a great winter treat.

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Each of these has rather intricate snowflake design. Come in all shapes and sizes.

54. You’ll be jingling with these cake pops.

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Yes, they’re made to resemble jingle bells. They’re all made on red cake with white icing.

55. You’ll be aglow for these Rudolph cookie cups.

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These have poinsettia pretzel antlers. Wonder where you can get them.

56. You may be in the mood for a holly cheesecake.

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Contains berries and holly leaves. The leaves are made out of chocolate.

57. You may adore these reindeer heart cookies.

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These are covered in chocolate with chocolate pretzel antlers. And yes, they have gumdrop red noses.

58. Care for a Christmas tree Oreo?

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These are doused in chocolate icing with drizzle. Can come in pink or green. But they’re all covered in sprinkles.

59. These gingerbread Rice Krispie treats are a real Christmas delight.

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Each of them comes on a stick. Also sport M&M buttons.

60. Any little elf would love a reindeer ice cream cone popcorn treat.

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These consist of a chocolate ice ceam cone with popcorn stuffed into them. Also consists of chocolate drizzle.

61. You’ll be lost to go without these Christmas tree cookies.

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These are chocolate and covered in green icing. Also contain shiny ornaments of questionable edibility.

62. Feast your eyes on this Christmas cake.

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This one has Santa on top with the words, “Merry Christmas.” Love the snowflakes.

63. These Christmas cupcakes will be a hit on any dessert platter.

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Each of these embodies Christmas in its own unique way. One even has bells.

64. You can’t do without a marshmallow snowman in your hot chocolate.

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Though you can’t see a snowman sitting in a hot tub. Has a candy corn nose and pretzel stick limbs.

65. You’ll be freezing for these North Pole ice cream cone cakes.

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Of course, penguins live in the South Pole. But they’re relying on cuteness here.

66. Help yourself to a Santa Ritz cracker snack.

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Each of these has a cream cheese beard and a pepperoni slice hat. They used the holes for eyes.

67. Perhaps you can chill to a polar bear cupcake.

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Each of these is covered in sprinkles. Also, they’re so adorable they’ll melt your heart.

68. Anyone would love a piece of this Christmas tree cake.

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This one consists of a large triangle decorated with M&Ms. You can’t eat the star on top though.

69. Grace your appetizer platter with this wreath veggie tray.

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This one contains broccoli, turnips, carrots, cauliflower, and cherry tomatoes. Perfect for any Christmas party.

70. Treat yourself to a Christmas wreath donut.

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These are decorated with icing and sprinkles. Best of all, they’re chocolate.

71. Feel free to take an ornament cupcake.

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These are in red, green, and white. Each is uniquely decorated in shiny sprinkles and icing.

72. You might prefer an ornament Oreo or 2.

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Each of these are dipped and icing and richly decorated. Like the one with the red and green stripes.

73. Care for a Hershey’s gingerbread house?

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This one has chocolate walls and roof. Trimmed with icing and candy canes.

74. Anyone would light up for this reindeer cake.

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This one has Santa and holly decor on the top. Still, so cute.

75. Get in the festive mood with this pull apart wreath cake.

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Contains flowers, gingerbread men, snowflakes, and Santa. Has a red bow and dog figure on top.

76. Penguin bananas make a nice frosty snack.

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These are dipped in chocolate. Also sport M&M beaks and feet.

77. Warm up to some polar bear hot chocolate.

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The polar bears are made from marshmallows and whipped cream. And yes, they’ll melt your heart.

78. Grace your appetizer platter with a Christmas tree veggie tray.

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Has a broccoli Christmas tree with a starfruit star and cherry tomato ornaments. Also includes cauliflower.

79. Feel free to pop a cocoa cup now and then.

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These are chocolate cookie cups with handles. Like the icing and sprinkles on top.

80. Care to try a Yule log snack?

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They’re mostly ho-hos with holly decoration. A real easy treat to make.

 

NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition) (Sixth Edition)

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During the holiday season, it’s become a tradition to introduce kids to the modern surveillance state with the ever nebby Elf on the Shelf. Each year, the Elf down from the North Pole to their designated family home where they watch and report to Santa on the children’s behavior during the days leading up to Christmas. After all, how can Santa know whether a child has been good or bad? However, elves being mere individuals aren’t always up to the most impeccable standards. Sure there are plenty of elves who may be on their best behavior. Yet, many do not and some of their deeds aren’t suited for the eyes of innocent children. So parental responsibility calls that parents report bad elf behavior at 1-800-BAD-ELF1. In the meantime, feel free to look at another assortment of shelf elves behaving badly. Enjoy. By the way, these aren’t safe for work.

  1. Tinker is about to make an incision.
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Apparently, he’s about to give Barbie a boob job. Still, I don’t think this is even legal. Or safe.

2. I don’t like the look of this scene.

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This seems straight out of Silence of the Lambs. Yes, that’s a skeleton hanging with outstretched arms.

3. I’m sure Izzy and Winky aren’t up to any trouble.

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They’re basically doodling on a boy when he’s sleeping. Hope this isn’t a school night.

4. Quinky’s had far too many.

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Here he’s fallen drunk in front of Shrek and Gingy. Still, Quinky better get off the vodka. Maybe join a 12 step.

5. Yinzer’s putting on a donkey show.

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Actually it might have nothing to do with donkeys. And no, I don’t want to see it.

6. At the elf planetarium, you can see Uranus.

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Okay, that’s a rather dirty joke. And no, I don’t want to see an elf’s butt.

7. “Time to die, Ken.”

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Yes, this is another takeoff from Dexter. And yes, it’s somehow a rather popular motif in these R-rated elf photos.

8. It’s never too late to go to the beach.

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Oh, no, Cringle’s with Barbie on the carpet with Don Julio. This won’t end well.

9. Elliot prefers guests go through the back door.

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But he’s also showing his but as if he’s mooning. Look, I really don’t want to know whether he enjoys butt stuff.

10. Jumbo’s made a confession.

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He’s confessing to be a dirty elf. Yet, I don’t know if “Jumbo” is his name or a moniker he chose for himself. If the latter, I know what it implies.

11. To Ningle, chimneys are always easier.

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Here he’s fastened onto a door with band-aids. Don’t really want to know what happened here.

12. “Sir, I’d like to see your license and registration.

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Not sure what Gleeker did. But whatever it was, it seems pretty bad. Oh, it’s cocaine possession.

13. What the hell is Quigley doing to Barbie?

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Yes, he’s pushing her down the drain. Not sure if he’s either dumping her dead body or torturing her. Nor do I want to know.

14. “Now kiss, girls.”

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Yes, there are guys who are into lesbian porn. And I’m sure Winker is one of them. But he prefers to see it live.

15. Dinky likes to watch bad reality shows.

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Don’t tell me they have a North Pole version of The Real Housewives. That stuff rots your brain.

16. Oh, crap, Bilker’s into the Colombian snow again.

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By that I mean, cocaine. And he’s using hte parents’ Master Card.

17. “Goodbye, and f*ck you.”

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Wesley always had an attitude. But I didn’t think he had it in him to cook someone in the microwave.

18. Vinny’s got a new look.

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A man bun may look good on a samurai. But it looks downright tacky on most other men.

19. “Just need a couple for my collection.”

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He’s collecting heads. Yes, doll heads. Barbie and Ken, you will be missed.

20. Elfiwise wants to play.

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Okay, he’s after children. And I’m sure this is an elf Stephen King would want to watch his grandkids.

21. What the hell is Yinker texting?

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Uh, this seems really dirty. And no, I don’t want to see his jingles.

22. “Say your prayers, Elmo.”

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Don’t tell me Hinkle’s going to throw darts at Elmo. What did Elmo do to him?

23. “Get your dick in a box.”

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He’s even wearing chains and glasses like you see in the SNL sketch. Still, thanks but no thanks.

24. Frinkle’s nabbed baby Jesus.

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Stealing from the nativity scene. That will surely get you sent to Hell.

25. So that’s why we can’t touch him.

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Wonder what Vinker did to receive that court order. Is he a sex offender? What’s the North Pole’s background check policy?

26. “Time to cook, Jesse.”

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Seems like the North Pole’s not paying the elves enough. So Benny had to take a side gig, which is selling blue meth a la Breaking Bad.

27. Okay, Randall, this is going too far.

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What did he do to Barbie? Did he rape her? Does he know rape is a felony? For God’s sake this is just a whole level of disturbing.

28. “Are you ready for your colonoscopy?”

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That’s when they put a tube up your ass to see if you have cancer. You’re also knocked out during the whole thing.

29. Quilly’s all tied up at the moment.

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Apparently, he seems to be into it for some reason. Don’t want to know what happens next.

30. E-Con kills elves dead.

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Dinky didn’t know he had it coming. Those mints are brutal.

31. Looks like Silvy’s blown his brains out.

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Said he has information on Hillary Clinton to ensure her arrest. For God’s sake is this a take off on some Clinton conspiracy theory?

32. “Any last words, Santa?”

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Vinty’s about to set Santa on fire. And he’s not afraid to use a lighter on the candle.

33. This train’s never stopping.

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And he’s gotten a Kelly doll died to the tracks. Only a matter of time until she gets run over.

34. Here Quentin hangs out with trolls.

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And they’re snorting cocaine. Not setting a good example isn’t he? Of course not.

35. Hinky’s making cookies.

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Those aren’t Hershey’s Kisses are they? So he’s basically shitting them out.

36. Linky’s got a message for the Cardinis.

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It says, “Suck mah balls” in toothpaste. Guy’s got a potty mouth.

37. Okay, who toilet papered the tree?

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Seems like Larry has some explaining to do. Still, there’s always another roll around somewhere.

38. Well, he did promise to get rid of Justin Bieber.

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But that didn’t include murdering him and putting his head in a fridge. What kind of sicko elf does that?

39. How sweet. Jax invited Rudolph for dinner.

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Actually he’s planning to kill Rudolph and serve him for dinner. Watch out for that knife, Rudolph!

40. Ninky’s a bit under the table at the moment.

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Mostly because he’s puking in the toilet. For God’s sake, that whiskey looks like strong stuff.

41. Nicky has something to say.

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No wonder they were able to find Bin Laden. Guess he’s an elf at a house of a Seal Team 6 member.

42. The Lego figures aren’t pleased with Dinkle.

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So they tie him up and put him on a car. Not sure what they’re going to do with him.

43. Dinny just wants to unwind.

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So he’s got himself a bottle of booze and some pills. Guess he’s watching over Donald Trump’s grandchildren.

44. “This won’t hurt a bit.”

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Sparkles has a guy tied to a bed and is wielding a mallet. Sure this won’t end well at all.

45. “Spank me, Barbie. Spank me.”

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Winko’s got some kind of kinks. As dominatrix Barbie is here to oblige.

46. Glinker’s always a generous customer.

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Yet, he’s paying plush dolls to pole dance. For God’s sake, please don’t subject Jessie to this.

47. Jingle’s got an interest in politics.

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He says he wants to build a big wall in the North Pole. And make the polar bears pay for it.

48. Slinky burned down Cheryl’s she-shed.

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You can see his eyes lack any shame. But our arsonist was never caught.

49. Just let Snowball lie.

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Yes, he’s passed out drinking. And yes, his late night party sprees have become a bit of a problem. That’s putting it mildly.

50. “Hanky, why did you have to cut the cheese?”

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By the way, don’t light your farts. Or you’ll end up with a burned face like Andy.

51. Klinkle knows how to get rid of the Wicked Witch of the West.

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Just throw water and she melts. Then show her broomstick to the wizard.

52. Sleigh Bell’s really gets around.

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Guess this is a takeoff on Maury’s “Who’s My Baby’s Daddy?” segment. So is it Santa or Frosty? If Santa, Mrs. Claus won’t be happy at all.

53. At least Jingler’s honest.

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So how did he become an elf on the shelf if he’s a pill popping sex addict and a drunk. An elf like that shouldn’t be near children.

54. Pringle has stumbled on the wrong track at the wrong time.

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As a result, a train ran over him while he was passed out. Such as sad and violent way to die.

55. Don’t want to see Buzz Lightyear walk in.

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Apparently, Jessie likes to ride a few horses. But I’m sure Buzz won’t be happy about this situation, especially in Spanish mode.

56. Petey’s got quite the talent.

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Too bad he defaced a baby picture. Seriously, doesn’t he have anything better to do?

57. “It puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again.”

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This is a take off from Silence of the Lambs. Here he lowers something for his hostage that he keeps in a hole in the ground.

58. Noel’s a big fan of Magic Mike.

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Seems like she’s having a wet dream of Channing Tatum. Still, despite being a heterosexual woman, I didn’t like Magic Mike.

59. Perry’s offering free mustache rides.

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You might want to pass on that. Even if he’s wearing a Santa suit. Guess watching children is a very boring job.

60. You don’t want to know what’s lurking in the storm drain.

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You can see Blanky with his cold eyes looking at the red balloon. Now he’s out for murder.

61. Impy has a message.

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He wants everyone to piss off. And he wrote it in pee on the ice.

62. McJingle would like to thank the Kelseys for taking him in.

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Is that in blood? And is he holding a knife? Quick hide the kids. Don’t want him to murder them in their sleep.

63. Brinker messed with the wrong ice queen.

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Mess with Queen Elsa and you’ll be frozen. That’s just how it goes. Brinker learned the hard way.

64. Flinker’s got the keys.

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Let’s hope he doesn’t decide to go on a joy ride. Because that would be bad.

65. Clinkers just wants some time to himself.

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So he’s looking at elf porn. Nonetheless, does he know those women aren’t really elves? Or doesn’t he care?

66. Susie needs to support herself somehow.

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Apparently, working at the North Pole doesn’t pay well. So Susie must do what she can to get by. Even by pole dancing.

67. “What happens when I pull this trigger?”

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Don’t try it, Bunky! Since you can’t assume a gun is loaded. No wonder I support gun control.

68. Pinkler always gets the money he needs.

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Sure he resorts to armed robbery. But he’s rolling in coins and bullets after robbing a gun and ammo store.

69. “Give me the money or else Santa dies.”

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What, kill Santa? Why would Evan even do such a thing? God, he should be in prison.

70. “Let’s cook.”

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Okay. Ingle cooks meth a la Walter White. Mostly because being an elf doesn’t pay the bills.

71. Stanley wants Santa’s soul.

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If I was Santa, I’d strongly put him on the naughty list. Because he’s a sociopathic demon.

72. Hope Ken doesn’t walk in.

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Here Minker is in bed and smoking cigarettes with Barbie. Wrong on so many levels.

73. How many Disney ladies can Ellis bed?

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Here he’s in bed with Ariel, Mulan, and Tinkerbell. Don’t want to ruin my childhood just yet.

74. Frinkle will have the Iron Throne.

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Bet he doesn’t want to know as long as he sits there, he’s in the hot seat. And he’ll eventually die, especially if he’s a disaster as ruler of the Seven Kingdoms.

75. Don’t want to know what Engle’s going to do with that beaver.

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He seems to be riding it with a rather suggestive grin. Also note that beaver is a slang term for female genitalia.

76. Lingle’s just reading a magazine.

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Apparently, that magazine is Playboy. And he’s certainly not reading it for the articles.

77. I think Drizzle’s a bit tied up.

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Is this supposed to be autoerotic asphyxiation? You know what actually killed David Carradine?

78. Here Glinko has two witches with him.

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And they’re Glinda and Elphaba. Wonder what can go wrong with that.

79. Queenie isn’t used to this toilet.

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Apparently, she shits mints. Don’t want to fish it out. No thanks.

80. Wringle’s just lounging around.

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Basically watching Barbie doing a naked pole dance. And he seems to enjoy it. That pervert.

 

 

Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Vintage Christmas Advertising of Yesterday (Sixth Edition)

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Since Halloween, you find the media practically saturated with Christmas advertising. After all, a tradition of gift giving presents a major capitalistic opportunity no corporation can refuse. So much so that Christmas commercials appear to air in September and you may see Christmas stuff in stores before October’s done. Of course, vintage Christmas advertising was also just as infectious in our public life. I mean how was Dr. Seuss able to create the Grinch? Anyway, out of the Christmas ads that’ll inspire nostalgia, there are some that haven’t aged well that they can sometimes be hilarious. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas vintage ads that will make you scratch your head. Enjoy.

  1. Santa and the Quaker Oats man sit at the fire.
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Santa’s like, “Are you sure you didn’t put anything in these cookies?” And the Quaker Oats guy is like, “Uh, these are from an old family recipe” with a rather mischievous smirk. Meanwhile little Jimmy watches the whole thing go down.

2. Your little girl would like this any of these baby dolls.

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I suppose they’re much better looking when you see them in person. Because these dolls come across as incredibly creepy to say the least.

3. Support the war effort. Buy Victor Records.

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Though having a record shaped Santa kind of disturbs me. But he doesn’t seem to care.

4. Can’t find a gift? Tom Smith’s Novelties has you covered.

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Not sure if I should delight in Santa’s smile. It’s like he has, “I see you when you’re sleeping” look that’s freaking me out.

5. Santa Claus soap will keep clothes clean.

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That girl looks kind of weird like her head’s not in proportion to her body. Kind of reminds me of a statue I saw at St. Vincent.

6. Campbells adds minutes to busy Christmas shopping days.

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After all, you need to settle down the little psychos somehow. The boy seems like he wants a carving knife and a BB gun to torture his neighbor’s cat.

7. Make gifts gay the easy way with Texcel Christmas gift tape.

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Really? I thought it was wrapping gifts in flashy wrapping paper that screams something Elton John would use. You might also want to add flamboyant sunglasses.

8. Nothing beats Sealtest Egg Nog.

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Santa, you have a very busy night. So you might want to drink to much. Don’t want to drink and sleigh ride, right?

9. Reynolds aluminum gift wrap gives Christmas color magic.

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Woman marvels on how the presents are wrapped. The guy stands in his robe with a pipe all proud of himself. Though do we really react like that do wrapping paper? No.

10. Seems like GE fridges are really popular this year.

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Santa is nearly up to his knees in letters. Despite that fridges can last for a very long time. Also, I wonder why Santa isn’t this stressed more often.

11. This Christmas take some Santa Claus sugar plums.

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This Santa seems less like the jolly fat guy we know and love. And more like a grumpy trucker who’d rather do anything else than deliver presents to kids on Christmas Eve.

12. Need a break during the busy holiday season? Give the kids some soup for lunch.

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Mom’s a bit stressed by all the Christmas shopping. Her daughter’s just daydreaming about breaking Billy’s legs over winning a penmanship award at school.

13. Best you skip the cookies this year and give Santa some jello instead.

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Yet, Santa peeks under the table to find a sleeping child. Still, the jello would’ve melted by the time he came.

14. This Christmas, Lucky Strike has you covered.

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Because nothing says Christmas like the gift of lung cancer. Also you’ll age terribly and die early, too.

15. Give her the gift of leisure during our Christmas sale.

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Sorry, but I can’t buy her smile. Vacuums are noise machines. Also, is that a curtain or a fire.

16. Talkative Baby Beans is the hot toy of the season.

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Sure, she may seem innocent. But when you’re asleep, she’ll grab a knife and try to kill you in your sleep. Don’t believe me?

17. Remington Portable is a gift inspiring gratitude.

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I don’t know about you, but this Santa’s really weird looking. As if he’s a space alien in an ill-fitting human disguise suit.

18. The whole family wants this Dayton Koolfoam pillow.

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Didn’t know foam pillows existed back then. Yet, I wonder if any in the family will eventually fight over that thing once Christmas is over.

19. Give him shaving pleasure with Gillette.

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Here Santa holds a giant razor that he’ll never use for his own beard. But he does put it on the sleigh that he uses as a snow plow sometimes.

20. Stay young at heart with Watkins Vitamins.

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How can a whole family fit on a sled light that? Also, what’s the weight limit? Oh, and watch out for that tree straight ahead.

21. Kris Jingle’s Wonderland of Gifts has everything you need for the season.

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And no, despite what the ad says, that plush toy is not “lovable.” In fact, it’s kind of terrifying.

22. Geoffrey the Giraffe’s having some trouble with the tree.

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He doesn’t seem too happy in his Santa outfit. Unfortunately, Toys “R” Us will end up declaring bankruptcy thanks to private equity. It’s a sad story.

23. Vincent Price selects this ornament set for you.

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I wouldn’t take Christmas advice from Vincent Price. Besides, Christmas isn’t really his holiday, going by the kind of movies he’s done.

 

24. Give her the best. Give her a Hoover.

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Absolutely not. Seriously, no woman wants a vacuum for Christmas. And if I got one from my husband, I’m not sure what I’d do.

25. Create holiday candy fantasies with Karo Syrup.

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Ugh. Those candies look pretty disgusting. Also, who the hell puts peppermint in popcorn?

26. Santa falls off his sleigh and lands in a convertible.

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For Christ’s sake, that’s just really dangerous. Seriously, why would Santa do this? I mean he could be killed for God’s sake. Also, is that car moving?

27. Borden’s eggnog hits the spot.

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You can tell because the cow is totally wasted. I mean look at her face.

28. Now that you found the perfect tree, put the perfect gift under it.

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Uh, how big is this guy’s house? Seriously, he must have skyscraper high ceilings because that tree looks so freaking huge. Then again, he might use it for the outdoors.

29. This Christmas, give someone the gift of Gab.

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Actually, these phones won’t do you any good in the 21st century unless your giftee liked antiques. Since they’re basically obsolete.

30. Need a boost in Christmas preparations. Try Borden’s instant coffee.

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You mean they made coffee, too? Also, she seems to host a party with a lot of smaller people there.

31. Celebrate the season with Johnny Walker Red.

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Here he’s trying out his Santa suit. The pants are too big for him. Still, not in front of the kids.

32. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer wants you to buy GE appliances.

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Yet, they have Stan the Snowman near a toaster oven. You know what happens to snow when it’s near a heat source.

33. Santa goes for Whitman’s chocolates.

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There’s something disturbing about Santa here. As if he’s hogging the candy for himself. Seriously, Santa, those are supposed to be for the kids.

34. Nintendo sends high-powered greetings.

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And yes, their sleigh’s powered by rockets. Shove it, flying reindeer. This is the future.

35. You can take a White Horse anywhere. Even the North Pole.

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But that doesn’t mean a white horse will fit in among the reindeer. Sorry, Shadowfax. I know how you’ve been struggling with employment since Gandalf left for the Gray Havens.

36. Thirst knows no season.

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Still, I don’t think those pants will keep you warm in the snow when you’re out skiing. Sher may be even possibly drunk. Also, her scarf looks way too long.

37. Edison Christmas lights are perfectly safe.

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Santa’s like, “I haven’t seen these lights before.” Still, considering that these lights produce no smell, smoke, or grease, what were people lighting their trees with before electric lights came in? Oh, gas or candles. That explains it.

38. Anyone want a fruitcake?

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On second thought, kill this terrifying creature. Kill it with fire. Seriously, that thing just freaks me out and belongs in a horror movie as the character killing everyone.

39. Prince Albert always makes a great gift for smokers.

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Seriously, Santa? It doesn’t. Prince Albert is tobacco. Tobacco causes cancer and kills people. For God’s sake, don’t give anyone tobacco products on Christmas.

40. Nothing makes a Christmas like getting a Harley Davidson motorcycle.

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Apparently, this garden gnome seems to think so. Also, motorcycles don’t make great gifts. They’re expensive, guzzle gas, and give riders some crazy fantasies that automatically scream either safety hazard or midlife crisis.

41. This Christmas, give your loved ones a Kodak Pocket.

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It’s one thing for Santa to see you when you’re sleeping. It’s a who other ball came for Santa to take pictures of you. God, he looks incredibly creepy. Please don’t let him in.

42. Peace is a gift to the nation.

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Seems like Santa, Uncle Sam, and the WWI soldier are sitting on top of each other. Considering Santa’s weight, I don’t think that’s great for Uncle Sam or the other guy.

43. This season, send your child a personalized letter from Santa.

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I know this is a web ad. But the Santa here just seems kind of freaky. Also, many kids will recognize their parents’ handwriting.

44. Santa is swamped with toaster orders this year.

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You can see the tired look on his face. Still, toasters can also last a pretty long time. So everyone wanting one in one year doesn’t seem to make sense.

45. Open the wrapper and cookies fly out.

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These chef guys appear to be fighting over what was in that package. Yet, why they wear chef’s hats and tuxedos, I don’t have the slightest idea.

46. Try some long-lasting Rowntrees fruit gums.

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Okay, that kid with the crown’s giving me nightmares. Seriously, his eyes suggest that he died inside a long time ago, especially since he’s just a disembodied head.

47. With car seating like this, your little one will fall fast asleep.

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The adults are like, “She’s asleep. Let’s put her in the garage, tie her up, and ask for a ransom from her wealthy parents. We’ll be so rich.”

48. Chesterfields are always a fine gift for the season.

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No, Santa, they are not. Smoking is very bad for you. It causes cancer and kills people. For God’s sake, tobacco use is a public health crisis.

49. Nothing makes a man excited like a bottle of Guinness in his stocking.

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Apparently, this seems like an adult’s fantasy Christmas. Kids get excited by toys. Adults want cash, booze, clothes, and useful things they don’t have to pay for.

50. Need a gift idea? Try giving Lucky Strikes.

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Because no gift keeps giving like lung cancer, COPD, and heart disease. Seriously, you’re giving them an early death. Don’t do it.

51. Make your Christmas the brightest with GE.

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Here Santa surfs on a large Christmas light. But when it’s out, all the lights are out.

52. When your boyfriend gives you a gift you’re not sure you like.

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She got cosmetics but they weren’t her brand. But she makes out with her boyfriend to show her appreciation anyway.

53. Gillette brings speedy Christmas shaving.

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Uh, Santa doesn’t shave his beard, doesn’t he? Also, I’m not sure if I’m creeped out by his smile.

54. Couples should always decorate for Christmas together.

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Yet, why do they have to hang a wreath while in stylish evening wear. And right before visitors arrive, too. Why?

55. “A Charlie Brown Christmas” is brought to you by Dolley Madison and Coca Cola.

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Uh, doesn’t “A Charlie Brown Christmas” criticize yuletide commercialization? Good grief.

56. Santa Claus gives out the candy.

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Apparently, Santa doesn’t seem too happy about this. Since he wants all the candy to himself.

57. Guys will love these interwoven socks.

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Despite that plain white socks will do just fine. In fact, he’ll probably prefer them anyway. Compared to these fancy colors and patterns.

58. “Now that’s my new favorite camel.”

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Apparently, this camel talks when the guy’s near the liquor store. Also this is for whiskey.

59. This Christmas treat your man right to 4 Roses.

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Unless he’s going through a 12 step. Nonetheless, this suggests that if you want to make your man happy, give him booze. Kind of sexist if you think about it.

60. This Christmas get Howard Zink car seat covers.

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Available in red. Still, this cover is really ugly come to think of it. Seems more like a couch mated with a suitcase.

61. This Christmas, give her the gift she’ll never forget.

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A Cadillac, everyone. Recommended as a gift by sugar daddies to their gorgeously kept women.

62. Calvert Reserve makes a great adult stocking stuffer.

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Actually it’s whiskey so may not be good for an AA member. Also, never get a puppy for Christmas. It’s at least a 10 year commitment.

63. It’s always fun to ride the New York Central on Christmas.

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Actually, Christmas travel isn’t really that fun. Also, Santa, you don’t touch kids that way. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?

64. Women love a Santa who gives them lingerie.

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Are they kissing a man or each other? If a man, is it the same man? If the same man, please keep as far apart from each other as possible.

65. Nothing beats better holiday underwear than Fruit of the Loom.

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This one depicts 3 men and a boy in their underwear. Which would never happen under normal circumstances anywhere. Please let them be family.

66. Keep her young and pretty with an electric massage vibrator this Christmas.

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This is a beauty product that’s incredibly expensive. But modern women don’t use vibrators as beauty enhancements these days.

67. Santa pops out from the boxes.

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For one, how is that possible? Second, why does that woman seem more intrigued than frantically running to the door?

68. Don’t miss the fun of smoking this Christmas.