Fall in Love with These Valentine’s Day Craft Projects (Fifth Edition)

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Now that February has come upon us, let’s get into some Valentine’s Day crafts. Of course, you can see I went with the a school room design instead of someone’s living room. Well, it helps to try something different once in a while. Nonetheless, classrooms are often places you see V-Day crafts though most of these are made of paper. Of course, unless they’re rather impressive school craft projects, I usually don’t touch upon them. Since most of them I usually list are made from adults. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of lovely Valentine’s Day crafts.

  1. You can spell love on this heart.
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This is a wooden heart made from 2 pieces. The “LOVE” squares are Scrabble tiles and they’re not worth much.

2. Perhaps you might send a valentine with a decomesh wreath.

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This one his heart-shaped. Says, “Happy Valentine’s Day” in the center.

3. A Valentine’s Day wreath can use a few hearts.

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This one has plenty of red hearts. Still, I love the fancy white ribbon around it.

4. You might prefer a wreath with cloth hearts.

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Well, the hearts are in the pattern. Nonetheless, you have to love the felt flowers.

5. You can’t hang too many hearts on a wall.

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There’s a checked heart, a red heart, and 2 gold hearts. All with fancy ribbon decorations. So pretty.

6. Light up your home with a Valentine’s Day glass block light.

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This one has hearts and foil inside. Has a bow of red heart ribbon on top.

7. Touch your look with a few roses.

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This is a hairband. The red, pink, and white roses are made of felt.

8. So many blue hearts can make a big impression.

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The large heart is made of a bunch of blue hearts. While a medium red heart inside carries the message.

9. A heart wreath can use a few roses.

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This one has some pink and white roses. Also, you can see a golden arrow shot through it.

10. You don’t know what’s kept in this book.

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Since it’s fastened. Then again, this just might be a decoration you can set on your fireplace mantle.

11. A Valentine’s Day paper wrapper wreath is always suited for a window pane.

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This one has polka dots on the red and white on the wrappers. And the window pane isn’t attached to anything.

12. Perhaps you’d like a simple heart suncatcher.

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This one has a plastic bead string. While the crystal heart shines like the sun. Whenever the sun shines through it.

13. A Valentine’s Day ribbon wreath might suit you.

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This one also has ribbon flowers. While the ribbons covering the wreath all have hearts.

14. A Valentine heart can always use a few flowers.

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This one is a cushion with some felt flowers. Like the bead and red lace trim.

15. A heart of roses should always have a frame.

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Well, the roses are probably made of paper. But the frame is quite fancy.

16. Care for a Valentine’s Day heart necklace?

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The heart is made out of metal with gold wires containing pearls and jewel beads. So pretty.

17. You can use a few hearts on the wall.

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These consists of cloth hearts and felt roses glued on the samplers. Great for any home on V-Day.

18. Feel free to make a wreath of pink clothespins.

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Of course, you might have to paint the clothespins pin first. Though you have to admire the hearts, roses, and bow.

19. Count down to Valentine’s Day with this heart calendar.

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Though I can totally wait for Valentine’s Day. But this advent calendar is quite cute.

20. Anyone would fall in love with this button heart.

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And yes, it’s in a frame. Funny how all the red buttons are the same size and color.

21. How about a wreath of paper hearts?

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This one has hearts made of construction paper. While each heart has gold edging.

22. Grace your V-Day door with this pink bauble wreath.

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This one has baubles of different sizes. Like he pink butterflies. So pretty.

23. Don’t like wreaths? Show your love with this cork heart.

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Well, the corks of all different sizes. Says “Love” in red and white pipe cleaners.

24. Show your love on V-Day with these love blocks.

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Each of these is in a whimsical shape and pattern. While the “O” is a heart.

25. Serve your guests wine from this glitter bottle.

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Yes, this bottle is covered with glitter. And yes, the wine is still in it. Not sure why.

26. Show your love with this berry wreath.

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The berries are fake. The wooden letters say “Love”. Like the flower near the top best.

27. Step out on V-Day with this charm bracelet.

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This one has a some heart charms. Like the clastic crystal jewels.

28. Grace your door with this burlap heart wreath.

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Has a large burlap bow on it, too. A simple design for any rustic setting.

29. You’ll find plenty of hearts in this envelope.

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This one has a few hearts in different patterns. Includes berry branches as well.

30. Perhaps a heart stick wreath might suit you.

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Includes 3 hearts with woven basket patterns. Also consists of a large red bow.

31. A candle can use a few hearts.

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The hearts are pink with wires linking with each other. Hope they don’t burn up.

32. You can use a few hearts on a tulle wreath.

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Each of the tulle pieces are tied on the wreath. While the 3 hearts glitter.

33. Don’t like these? You might like this wall hanging.

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This one has a lot of ribbons. “Love” consists of black wires. Includes a glittery red heart.

34. Care for a heart of paper roses?

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The roses are of different sizes and colors. And all on a gray background.

35. Here we find love all framed.

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Well, each individual letter is framed. And all hanging on a ribbon to a window.

36. A heart can consist of a variety of buttons.

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These are all in different sizes and colors. And they’re all sewn on a plain pillow.

37. Greet your V-Day guests with this flowery yarn wreath.

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The flowers are made from felt. Like the colors on the wreath though.

38. A V-Day wreath should always consist of red roses.

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And they’re all arranged in a heart. I’m sure the roses are made from silk. So pretty.

39. You’ll get plenty of hugs and kisses from this ribbon wreath.

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The top consists of glitter hearts. The bottom consists of glitter “XOXO.”

40. Don’t like wreaths? Go with this wall hanging of hearts.

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Consists of 2 checked hearts. While plenty of small red hearts add some emphasis. Like the bow.

41. Grace your V-Day door with this fancy ribbon wreath.

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The ribbons mostly consists of bows. While it’s touched with a hollow red glitter heart.

42. Grace your V-Day table with this glittery basket.

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Has some paper bag strips inside. Like the glitter heart. So pretty.

43. Doily hearts always belong in a frame.

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Of course, they’re made of paper. Though I love the background and purple frame.

44. You might want some tree branches in a heart basket.

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Well, the basket has a wooden heart over it. While the basket has branches and berries inside.

45. Don’t like wreaths? Go with a simple glass panel and a heart.

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The heart is made out of yarn. While the panel and heart are held by a white bow.

46. You can always show love with flowers.

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The Letters are made from wood. While the “O” is a heart containing pink roses.

47. You can have love in a purple heart frame.

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Well, it says “LOVE” in a purple heart frame. Like the crown and pink roses. So pretty.

48. Declare your love on this Valentine’s Day with flowers.

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Well, the flowers are all in vases. 4 of them spell out “LOVE” in black letters.

49. A rustic wreath will suit you this Valentine’s Day.

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This one consists of gourds and berries. While a black heart sign says “Love” in the center.

50. A heart tulle wreath can really make an impression.

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You can see it consists of red, pink, and white pieces. Also includes ribbons and hearts.

51. Show love this Valentine’s Day with this wooden panel.

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This red panel says “LOVE” in white letters. The “O” consists of a heart with an arrow shot through it.

52. A burlap “Love” wreath is all you need.

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It’s in the shape of a heart, too. Great for rustic settings. So pretty.

53. A fancy heart can always use some flowers.

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Well, this one is in a fancy white frame and grapevine wreath Like the roses and bow. So lovely.

54. A V-Day wreath should always have a touch of gold.

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This one has gold baubles and ribbons. Also includes 2 hearts near the bottom.

55. A large V-Day heart can be quite festive.

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This one has bows and a large heart with pink spots. Also consists of bows and other festive trimmings.

56. Care for a heart rag wreath?

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This one has red, white, and pink strips all over a wire frame. Great for any rustic door. So pretty.

57. Put a ball of roses over a door frame.

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This are pink roses. Though I’m not sure I’d recommend you hang them on a door frame. It’s not mistletoe.

58. Show your love by saying it in blocks.

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Each is in pink, red, and white. And yes, they’ve got a bunch of popular V-Day sayings.

59. Don’t forget to put a flower on top of a gift box.

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This one is a paper with heart-patterned petals. Hell, the petals are even shaped like hearts.

60. Sweeten your Valentine’s Day with this sweetheart wreath.

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This one is wrapped with fibrous string with pearls. consists of white and pink roses and a banner spelling out “SWEET.”

61. A heart panel should always contain a few flowers.

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This one has some flowers painted. While some are made out cloth. Also decorated with pearls and lace.

62. How about a heart wreath made of roses?

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Well, the roses are hear are fake. Yet, they’re in all various shades of pink.

63. Nobody can resist these love bugs.

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These are made from styrofoam balls with black pipe cleaner antennae and appendages. Some are ladybugs and bees.

64. Got some striped straws? Make a display like this.

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The paper straws have red and white stripes. Some have pink. And they all radiate a single red heart.

65. How about a heart with lights.

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The lights are all set on a pink panel. Wonder how you turn it off or on. So lovely.

66. Perhaps you might prefer some laced hearts.

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These are in all different designs. A couple contain buttons, too. So lovely.

67. A Valentine’s Day wreath should always shine.

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This one seems like it’s straight from a party store. Has a heart in the center and a heart bow on top.

68. Feel free to use the key to this heart box.

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The heart box is silver with glitter on top. The key is tied with it using a red ribbon.

69. Care for a hanging heart cushion?

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This one has a heart of flowers printed in the center. Wonder how that’s possible.

70. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without these heart trees.

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Well, the hearts are paper and act like branches and leaves. One even has hearts and keys on them.

71. A stair bannister should always have a garland of hearts.

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Well, these have hearts hanging from it. Most of them are made from cloth. So pretty when it lights up.

72. A V-Day decomesh wreath like this will surely suit you fine.

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Has some heart decorations on the left side. Many in red and pink glitter.

73. Show your love with this panel.

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Says “LOVE” in black letters. “O” is a red heart with wire hearts inside.

74. How about a garden of conversation hearts?

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Well, the fence and hearts are made out of wood. Great for an elementary school classroom.

75. Might want to put some hearts on a clothes line.

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The hearts are made from felt. A simple craft project for almost anyone, including kids.

76. A shiny heart can always light.

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This heart is covered with gold and silver sequins And yes, the lights do shine bright.

77. You’ll find plenty of hearts in this jar.

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Well, the hearts are plush and on sticks. But will last longer on your table than a conventional bouquet.

78. A heart wreath of crocheted roses must delight.

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Most of these are in red and pink. Perfect to hang over a window. So pretty.

79. Care for a wreath of roses?

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Most of the roses on this wreath are felt. And they’re all in shades of red, pink, and white. So pretty.

80. A white rose wreath has some added simplicity.

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This one is in a heart shape and is a grapevine. Also matches the door behind it.

81. Grace your V-Day door with a wreath of pom poms.

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It’s heart-shaped with pom poms in shades of pink and purple. You can even see a bit of how these are made.

82. Make this V-Day festive with a pink tulle wreath.

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There’s leopard print flowers on top. While a fancy designed heart sits at the bottom.

83. A white decomesh heart wreath might suit you.

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Has some decorations on the left side. Features, red hearts, pink flowers, and bow with hearts.

84. A cupcake liner wreath will always impress.

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This one has a flower on the bottom. It’s made out of cupcake liners and felt. So pretty.

85. Impress your sweetheart with this large rose heart.

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Okay the flowers are fake. While a gold arrow shoots through it. Yet, it’s in 2 shades of pink.

86. 2 hearts always beat as one.

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This one has roses aside of 2 glitter hollow hearts. Makes a great centerpiece.

87. If you like sewing, you’ll love this wall hanging.

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Since it consists of pink sewing stuff. Though you’ll find pink flowers in the center.

88. Give hugs and kisses with these panels.

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These consists of wooden X’s and O’s. The O’s are hearts and are wrapped with cloth.

89. A small tree can use some hearts.

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This one has plenty of heart ornaments in felt. And yes, there’s a large red heart on top. So pretty.

90. Care for a striped wooden heart?

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This one is white with pink stripes. Also contains a burlap bow.

91. Adorn yourself with some small crocheted flowers.

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These are red, pink, and purple roses. And I’m not sure if they’re used as a hairclip or pin.

92. This heart is quite stringy.

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Since it’s made from string on a red board. And yes, there’s a heart in the center.

93. A berry wreath might suit you fine.

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Okay, the berries are fake. Though I love the burlap bow with the heart.

94. A pink decomesh V-Day wreath will always suit you nicely.

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This one has silver and pink decorations. Like the silver heart near the top.

95. How about a V-Day wreath with all the trimmings?

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This one has a sign that says, “LOVE.” Also consists of flowers and hearts.

96. Keep your little one warm with these V-Day leg warmers.

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These are made from sleeves. As you can see, they also depict hearts.

97. You can play tic-tac-toe on this pillow.

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The X’s and hearts are made from felt. Perfect for keeping the kids busy.

98. Ever wonder what’s in this box?

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Well, it’s a V-Day box with a digital lock. So you can’t easily open it.

99. You might sleep well with this dreamcatcher.

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This one is purple with a heart. Even has hearts near the feathers. So pretty.

100. Bring in the festivity with this shiny heart bauble wreath.

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This one has some shiny stuff on the left. While the baubles cluster together on e right. So pretty. Love it.

Be Mine With These Valentine’s Day Treats (Sixth Edition)

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Now we come to the V-Day treats. Whether for a romantic dinner, party, or school, you’ll find plenty of heart shaped, red, or pink foods if you try to do a Google Image search. Of course, you can find heart-shaped candies at the store. Yet, that would take all the fun out of it. Over the years I’ve done these treat posts, I’ve seen plenty of hearty foods to impress one’s love. Mainly cakes, cookies, and other dessert platter goodies. But I’ve also seen other stuff as well. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of Valentine’s Day treats. Enjoy.

  1. You’ll find plenty of roses on these cookies.
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These have pink, red, and yellow roses that are so small you need a professional to make them in icing. But they do look nice on a platter.

2. You’ll find a heart on these square cookies.

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Not sure what the hearts are made of or if they’re even edible. But I love the intricate designs on the square cookies.

3. Wake up this V-Day with strawberries and cream donuts.

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These are heart-shaped donuts with strawberry icing. Great for any V-Day breakfast that’s hard on the arteries.

4. Hope you can dig in a peanut butter heart.

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These are covered with chocolate. Though you might have to eat it with a fork.

5. You’ll find berries in these V-Day sandwiches.

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I guess these are for dessert since they contain raspberries and cream cheese. Not sure what the hearts are made of.

6. You’ll find a lot of hugs and kisses on these macarons.

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The X’s and O’s are in gold. Great for any V-Day dessert platter.

7. These square V-Day cookies will warm your heart.

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Some contain hearts. Some don’t have them at all. But all must be professionally made as I can see it.

8. Show your love with this heart shaped blueberry cake.

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This one is in a heart shaped pan with a hole inside. Great for any V-Day dessert platter.

9. Kids would adore these Cheerios heart-shaped bars.

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They even contain V-Day M&Ms for color and flavor. Great for serving to school kids.

10. Pretzel hearts make a fine Valentine’s Day treat.

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These are all covered with chocolate and pink sprinkles on one side. Why that is, I have no idea.

11. Nobody can resist these cookie sandwiches.

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These have some jelly in between them. Also have heart-shaped chocolates on top.

12. You’ll find this cake all covered with hearts.

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The hearts are pink. While the edges are decked with small pink flowers. Not sure of the shiny pears are edible though.

13. You can decorate a red heart cookie in many different ways.

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You can see the the different designs like dots and sprinkles. Like the one with roses the best.

14. How about a V-Day ravioli pasta dish?

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This one is a heart-shaped lasagna. And yes, you have to serve it in parts.

15. Care for some fancy gingerbread hearts?

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These are professionally made obviously. But you have to love the lovely designs on them. So pretty.

16. You’ll find hearts coming out of these red cookies.

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Well, the hearts are white. Not sure if they’re edible. Great for any dessert platter on Valentine’s Day.

17. How about some heart tarts on sticks?

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These have filling in them. And you can eat them without a fork. But still use a plate.

18. On Valentine’s Day, pink heart cookies are the best.

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These are even covered in chocolate icing. Yet, all have pink designs like dots, hearts, and XO’s.

19. Want to profess your love? Say it with cookies.

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These are chocolate chip cookies covered with icing. Decorated with sugar stuff you find at the store.

20. Make sure your cupcakes have plenty of hugs and kisses.

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Each one has an X or O in red M&Ms. The O’s are shaped like hearts.

21. Nothing makes your V-Day like these cupcakes.

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Well, these are professionally made. But they’re decorated in many different ways.

22. You got to love these heart cookie sandwiches.

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Well, they have pink icing filling. While cookies have holes in them to make them seem like they’re professionally made.

23. Want some fruity yogurt bars?

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These are pink with hearts on them. Seem to be made from big Reese’s cup molds for some reason.

24. Want a large chocolate heart?

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Well, it’s mostly a white chocolate heart. Yet, it’s in a pot of V-Day M&Ms.

25. Grace your V-Day dessert platter with these cupcakes.

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Each of these has a red candy heart on top. Can have pink or white icing.

26. Heart muffins are great for your V-Day breakfast.

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These even have sprinkles on them. So they can appeal to the kids.

27. Rose cupcakes should always be in a heart.

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These are in reddish pink. One has a white heart on them. So pretty.

28. Perhaps you might want a chocolate cake with a powdered heart.

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I’m sure the white heart is made out of sugar. Makes a great feature on your V-Day dessert platter.

29. Care for some chocolate hearts?

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These are decorated with white or pink icing and chocolate drizzle. Some also have sprinkles.

30. Care for some hearty blueberry pie?

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This one has hearts on the crust that are on top of each other. Wonder how you can cut this. in equal slices.

31. You’ll find a heart inside these heart-shaped tarts.

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These have jelly inside. And yes, you have to put two of the hearts together.

32. How about some chocolate chip heart?

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This one is covered in chocolate icing. Great for any V-Day dessert platter.

33. Wake up to some V-Day pancakes.

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These have pink icing and raspberries on them. And yes, they’re chocolate with one on top of the other.

34. Care for a heart tart?

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This one has a heart made from strawberries and raspberries. And all on top of white icing.

35. These little cheese ball monsters just want your love.

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Well, they’re different from the other monsters I showed in a previous post because they have antennae of pasta. While the hearts on top are sprinkles. So cute.

36. Get a load of some pink heart Rice Krispie treats.

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They’re in a variety of shades and sizes. Some even have sprinkles on them.

37. Nothing makes V-Day like these strawberry ice cream sandwiches.

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Each of them has ice cream between 2 cookies. Decorated with Valentine’s Day sugar hearts.

38. You can decorate pink chocolate heart however you’d like.

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One has sprinkles. One has chocolate chip candies. One has both. And all on sticks.

39. You got to love a cupcake with a marshmallow heart.

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These have chocolate icing as well. While the marshmallow hearts are probably pink.

40. Nothing makes a V-Day party like jello hearts.

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And they’re all in cupcake wrappers. Make sure to ask your host if they contain alcohol before any kids get a hold of them.

41. These V-Day Oreos are an utter delight.

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These have chocolate icing and edible V-Day decorations. Some have hearts. Some have flowers.

42. These heart owl cookies are major hoot.

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These have candy eyes and noses. The eyes kind of resemble flowers. So adorable.

43. You can dip these breadstick hearts in some tomato sauce.

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Okay, these aren’t technically breadsticks since they’re heart-shaped. But they’re made from the same stuff as breadsticks.

44. Feast your eyes on these heart-shaped hand pies.

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Not sure what’s inside them. But they certainly don’t look like the pies you eat for dessert.

45. Munch on these heart sandwiches for your V-Day lunch.

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One of them has a window inside. Then again, these might be for dessert. Because I’m not sure if that’s lunch meat or icing.

46. How about a large strawberry heart?

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Well, it’s a heart cake decked with strawberries. But the icing appears to resemble whipped cream.

47. Nothing says love on Valentine’s Day like a couple of heart pizzas.

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One has hearts of pepperoni. The other says “Be Mine” in olives.

48. Perhaps you’d like these fancy heart cookies.

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Two of these have roses. One has an icing design to resemble lace. So pretty.

49. Some might prefer these V-Day ice cream cones.

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Okay, they’re actually ice cream cones with Rice Krispie treats on top. Draped with chocolate and a red candy piece on top.

50. It’s easy to give a kiss on a cupcake.

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I’m sure these lips are just candy that you need to unwrap. Yet, each of is covered with chocolate icing with heart candies.

51. Hope you enjoy these heart brownies.

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They’re also covered in V-Day sprinkles. Perfect for any V-Day dessert platter.

52. Help yourself to some of these Valentine heart cookies.

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These are covered in icing with some color mixed in. Laced with pink and blue icing.

53. Anyone could love these cupcakes.

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These are covered with candy cane icing. And yes, they spell out “LOVE.”

54. Speaking of cupcakes, you might want to celebrate V-Day with these.

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These are decked with a variety of images. Some have roses. Some have hearts. Some have both.

55. These Rice Krispie treats can start a conversation.

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They’re in several different colors with icing inscriptions. Yet. none will taste like anything resembling sugar chalk.

56. You’ll find an arrow in these heart brownies.

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Since Cupid shot through them. Still, the arrows aren’t edible. But they make a handy carrying stick.

57. Perhaps you might love a cake with strawberries.

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Well, this has strawberries all around it. The rest of it is decorated with sprinkles.

58. Care for a heart on a stick?

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These are sugar cookies covered with icing. While decorated with several kinds of sprinkles. Or not.

59. Want a pink fudge heart?

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Okay, they’re covered in sugar. Yet, I’m sure you’d love to take one of them. Or not.

60. You’ll fall in love with these cookies.

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These are covered in pink, yellow, and purple icing. Decorated with white drizzle and sprinkles.

61. You can never be too sweet with these heart cookies.

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These are covered with sugar. While each has a sugar heart in the center.

62. Anyone would love these chocolate heart cookies.

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Sure, they’re professionally made. But they’re nevertheless decorated with icing and in so many ways.

63. Have a slice of this heart pizza.

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Even has some pepperoni hearts. Not sure how to divide it in equal parts.

64. This Valentine’s Day, treat yourself to these love bug cupcakes.

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These are decked like ladybugs. Love the spots on their shells. Some even have hearts.

65. Care for a rose cupcake?

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These have roses on top of white icing. And even better, they’re chocolate.

66. Treat your guests this Valentine’s Day to an apple rose tart.

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These have apple slices shaped like roses. Not sure how big this is supposed to be.

67. Feel free to take one of these red velvet cookies.

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These have white chocolate hearts on them. Perfect for any V-Day dessert platter at any party.

68. Care for an ice cream sandwich?

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These are heart shape and have chocolate chip cookies with ice cream in between. Decorated with sprinkles.

69. These cookies will certainly start a conversation.

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These are covered with sayings and pastel icing. Bet they taste better than the real candies which are composed of sugar chalk.

70. Treat your guests to some hearty pizza.

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This seems like a more conventional pizza. And yes, it’s divided in slices.

71. You can’t go wrong with a sweetheart brownie.

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Well, it’s more of heart-shaped brownie sandwich. Has pink icing and sprinkles inside.

72. Entertain your V-Day guests with this red heart cake.

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This one has a white bow on it. Even has heart decoration on the white ribbon.

73. You’ll go to the dogs with these puppy love cookies.

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They’re heart shaped cookies meant to look like dogs. And yes, you’ll find them adorable.

74. Care to hold some love in a jar.

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Okay, these are cookies. But each is pink with hearts inside.

75. You’ll go bug-eyed with these cupcakes.

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2 of these have ladybugs. One has a bee. And yes, they’re made from candy.

76.  Nothing makes a romantic dinner like a couple of shrimp kabobs.

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This is a restaurant promotion. Yet, the shrimp are in hearts on sticks.

77. You’ll want to have one of these lovestruck pancakes.

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Yes, it’s in an emoji. But you have to admire the hearts in the eyes.

78. Care for a heart shaped sandwich?

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That’s the fanciest sandwich I’ve ever seen. Covered with red pepper bits. Flower is made from a hard-boiled egg.

79. Want to know your fortune?

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This is a pink fortune cookie covered with red heart. Not sure what it says inside.

80. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a wreath of lovebirds.

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The lovebirds are made from string cheese. And yes, they’re so adorable. Love it.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Seventh Edition)

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Now that we’re past Martin Luther King Day, we come to Valentine’s Day. Of course, this involves many people to exchange valentines. Kids give theirs to classmates. Adults give them to their sweethearts. Of course, you’ll find plenty of motifs on them like sentiments of heartfelt love, hearts, Cupid, and other images. Yet, there are some old valentines out there that defy explanation. Some that have cutesy images but suggestive puns. And those that surely wouldn’t fly nowadays. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of terrible vintage Valentines.

  1. “To My Valentine: I believe in freedom of the press.”
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Let’s hope he asked for consent first. Still, the guy seems rather excited to embrace his girlfriend. Guess he can’t wait to get it on.

2. “I ‘mascara’ lot for you…”

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Meaning she likes you so much that she’ll apply tons of makeup to look like Tammy Faye Bakker. Or something like that.

3. This seems like a real sausage fest.

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Yeah, I know there’s a suggestive pun behind this. Yet, the girl seems to like what she sees.

4. This couple gives a whole new meaning to “tossed salad.”

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“Tossed salad” is a slang term relating to sex. Also, the carrot is the guy, obviously.

5. Any girl would like a cat who could play piano.

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But apparently, she’s hiding in the spinet. Kind of screwed up if you ask me.

6. Speaking of cats, this one’s throwing herself toward this boy.

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Yes, I know this is screwed up. But given the cat’s a giant who can tear the boy to pieces, I’m not sure how he’ll be able to say no.

7. Want to get your man? Lure him with treats.

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Not sure if the boy’s looking at her or the food. Also, she’s wearing a rather short skirt. Wonder why.

8. This firefighter cat’s burning for you.

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Apparently, he’s also got a rather suggestive stare going on like he’s hungry for something. And it’s not food. While he’s holding the hose over his shoulder.

9. “The future would appear so fine, if you would be my Valentine!”

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Is the boy using a telescope to look at the stars or stalking his sweetheart? If the latter, what the hell’s the girl doing beside him? I’d really like to know that.

10. “I need something permanent – It might as well be you!”

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Okay, the message isn’t too bad. But considering we live in the 21st century, this hasn’t aged well. Sure she’s getting her hair done. But such contraption has been used for sinister purposes in a lot of science fiction more times than I can count.

11. “Who wouldn’t BLOW a guy like you, my valentine.”

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The word “blow” has several meanings. But in this context, it could either mean “kiss,” or a “blow job.” Wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the latter.

12. This wolf is only hungry for love.

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Yes, he’s certainly well-dressed. But despite that male wolves mate for life and make great dads in the wild, being seen as a “wolf” in human society, isn’t really a compliment.

13. “I get a BANG out of you, valentine. Please be mine.”

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Yes, the message is suggestive. But the bear lighting a firecracker isn’t really a smart idea either.

14. Don’t bat about love to this witch.

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Cause if you do, she will put a curse on you that you might not be able to shake off. Also, she could turn you into a toad or simply kill you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

15. This hotdog is frankly crazy about his valentine.

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And yes, I’m sure it’s a guy. Because, hotdogs are also known as “wieners.” Nothing to suggest here. Not.

16. Man, Cupid can be very nasty with people’s hearts.

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Since he’s got a heart cooking over a camp fire. Hope he doesn’t intend to eat it later. Oh, wait, he’s munching on it right now.

17. “You’re a good egg! Hope you’ll be my valentine!”

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Yes, these are egg people with limbs. And yes, it’s kind of disturbing if you ask me. Hope they don’t end up scrambled.

18. This apple loves her valentine to the core.

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Of course, being a core means he was once an apple who’s been considerably eaten. But she loves him anyway.

19. If this wolf won’t be your valentine, he’ll blow your house down.

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Of course, being a core means he was once an apple who’s been considerably eaten. But she loves him anyway.

20. Train engineer has eyes for a certain passenger.

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Note how the girl’s showing her legs while sitting on her suitcase. Still, guy needs to keep his eyes on the track at all times.

21. A foxy guy knows what kind of catch you’d be.

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He seems to be looking through the weeds. Nothing creepy about that. Oh, wait, that’s basically stalking.

22. The Big Bad Wolf wants to be Little Red Riding Hood’s valentine.

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So basically the wolf breaking in her grandma’s house, eating her and wearing her clothes was a bad way to handle rejection. Seriously, this valentine is so messed up.

23. “I’m fit to be tied so….be my Valentine!”

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For one, cowboys and Indians weren’t a thing. Also, this valentine seems to make light of Indian atrocities, which is pretty disturbing.

24. “You’re a good skate, Valentine.”

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Though I’m sure any love between these 2 might be strongly one-sided. Given the guy wants to get the hell out. While the girl is like “what gives?”

25. A black girl reads the cards.

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Okay, she’s depicted in a rather offensive racist stereotype. Yeah, not exactly one you’d send to a black person.

26. “You’re just my speed, BIG BOY, an’ I’m sure gonna hold on tight!”

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Girl’s giving a guy a rather suggestive look on that tricycle. Thus, giving the message a rather dirty double meaning.

27. “You’re the model for me. Be my Valentine.”

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This one seems to defy all sense of logic. The frames are hollow. While the painter has a paintbrush like he’s about to paint. How’s that possible?

28. “I aim to tame you, Valentine!”

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Granted, he’s a lion tamer. Yet, he’s got a whip with him. Either he’s using that to subdue his love or he’s into BDSM. Please let it be the latter.

29. “I’d like to haunt you, Valentine.”

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Though this seems less like you’d see in Ghost, and more like you’d see in Harry Potter when Moaning Myrtle shows up. But without the bathroom fixtures in the background.

30. This bear isn’t a bad skate, is he?

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Yet, note that the ice isn’t very sturdy since there’s a hole somewhere. Only a matter of time till the bear falls in.

31. “Warm the ‘COCKLES’ of my heart by being my valentine.”

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The worm seems to have a human face as a rooster towers over it. Not happy where this is heading.

32. “Let’s strike up a match, Valentine!”

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Keep in mind, they’ll probably burn to a crisp. Not to mention, all the other matches in the packet.

33. “To my Valentine, say Yes.”

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Cupid’s whispering in the woman’s ear. While the guy’s looking at the woman’s back and thinking, “Dat ass.” Though I’m sure she’s got her bustle on.

34. “My heart is like a time bomb…”

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Basically ready to burst at any minute. Man, you need to see a doctor. Or the bomb squad.

35. “I’m MUD about you, Valentine!”

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This one just has a flower over a smiling puddle of mud. Not sure how they conduct their relationship.

36. You’d have to have good luck with one’s valentine.

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Yet, getting hit on the head by a giant horseshoe, not so much. Seriously, you might want to see a doctor about that.

37. She’s so cute even the flies love her.

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To be fair, she’s holding toast spread with jelly. Still, you don’t want to attract flies in any capacity.

38. No one likes me. Well, I’ll just eat worms.

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How the hell is this a valentine? Also, who the hell eats worms? That’s disgusting.

39. One’s valentine is the light of their life.

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Here the cat has a pack of matches and a cigarette. Great way to be a good example to the kids. Not.

40. You’d think Bon Jovi received this valentine.

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This one has an arrow through a pillow. And yet, it looks as if it’s bleeding. What the hell?

41. “Picking on you to be my valentine.”

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That doesn’t seem to be a good message. Also, the monkey imagery doesn’t seem to help much. Since they fling feces at each other.

42. “I’ll slave for you, Valentine.”

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Sad how they make a guy willing to do all the chores as a pathetic loser. But to me, it’s an offer worth considering.

43. Lixie loves her candy sticks.

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Though I wonder if she likes something else. Given her suggestive grin at those sticks.

44. He’d like his valentine as a steady diet.

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I understand he wants her as his valentine. But the message can also be suggestive of cannibalism in another point of view.

45. He wants to cement his love.

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Yet, he comes with a mixer. Kind of driving the point too close to home. Seriously, we associate cement with Jimmy Hoffa and the mafia for God’s sake.

46. Don’t mind the jerk at the soda counter.

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The soda jerk guy kind of reminds me of a creepy doll in some horror movie. The girl seems like she’s not wanting his attention either.

47. We go together like leeks and fish.

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Kind of a rather odd pairing. But as long as they have a good relationship, who’s stopping them.

48. “To my Pin-Up Valentine.”

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This alien seems like he’s got some ill intent on his mind. Doesn’t help he’s got gold ears that resemble car horns.

49. Condiment vegetables always belong together.

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Take pickles and cucumbers. Though the pickle is the guy for obvious reasons we best not get into.

50. This cat always prefer girls with cute curls.

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Yeah, I know it seems rather strange. Nonetheless, the girl’s wearing a skimpy outfit and the cat seems to like what he sees. Or is it a dog?

Merry Christmas from Our Family to Yours on Christmas Memories (Sixth Edition)

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This is me and my sister Molly in a Richmond restaurant during mid-December 2015. My parents and I were there for her graduation from VCU. Now she lives in Charlotte.

Christmas has always been a time for family and cherished memories. But unlike what you might see in the saccharine Hallmark movies that I try to avoid, life doesn’t always go that way. The big city career woman may go back to her hometown. But it’s very unlikely that she’ll meet a rugged man she’ll fall for, save a local Christmas tradition, and ditch her big city career and boyfriend for that guy. More likely, she’ll probably find people who never left her hometown hanging out at the local bar, some of them addicted to drugs, drinking like fishes, stuck in some low-income job, and/or dealing with some family dysfunction. The hunky guy she meets will probably be her ex she ditched for some good reason and he won’t be a hunk. There probably won’t be some Christmas tradition that needs saving. And she’ll definitely not ditch her whole life and move back to her hometown because women don’t do these things without much forethought. Or she’ll move back, settle down with the guy, and take a longer commute to work. Anyway for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of awkward family Christmas photos. Enjoy.

  1.  This year, these workers lay on top of each other.
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Indeed, they all smile in their Christmas glory. Though I don’t think you’d want to be the woman on the bottom.

2. Apparently, this dad doesn’t know how to hold his kid.

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For God’s sake man, don’t hold the baby that way. That just looks like you’re asking to be put on a sex offender list.

3. When everyone blinks at the camera at the same time.

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Then again, that might be part of the act. But it still seems pretty weird if you ask me.

4. Guess this Christmas dinner didn’t go well.

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Oh, there’s a hole in the wall. No wonder Christmas dinner sucked this year. The Griswolds these are not.

5. Someone’s obviously not going for the holiday cheer.

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Greta stood with her arms cross giving an eye of disapproval to her embarrassing parents. Knowing that she’ll be the class laughingstock if anyone from school saw this picture.

6. Unfortunately, Dad had been involved in a horrible accident this year.

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Let’s hope he didn’t fall off the roof while putting up Christmas lights. Because that would be pretty embarrassing as those shorts he’s wearing.

7. “Here’s your Christmas present, Lindsey.”

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Let’s hope it’s a new pair of jeans. Because she seems to have busted the ones she has on. Also, the guy’s wearing shorts.

8. Sledding in a winter wonderland.

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Looks like Dad’s acid is kicking in. The look on his face makes him seem like he’s tripping balls.

9. Merry Christmas from the 1980s.

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Boy looks like he doesn’t want his friends to know that his dad’s got a mullet. And he’s thinking why can’t he have a less tacky haircut like all the other dads.

10. “Smile for the camera.”

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Apparently, some of these people aren’t smiling. Or smiling rather awkwardly like they’re posing for a school group photo. Yes, you can go through a lot of takes with that.

11. Unfortunately, photoshop wasn’t invented yet.

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Since someone has their hand out in this photo. Surely the studio could’ve just edited out.

12. When family drama becomes too much.

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Apparently, you’ll see people retreating to the stairwell at many Christmas gatherings this year. Particularly when Donald Trump’s impeachment comes up.

13. Maybe a large group picture with Santa was a bad idea.

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This is especially if some kids are crying. Still, you have to admire Santa taking it in stride.

14. Getting kids to pose for a Christmas card photo must be tough.

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These kids are supposed to sit lined against each other. But none of them want to smile for the camera.

15. No, Santa, that’s not how you hold a baby.

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Seriously, holding a baby by the lower chest just makes you look like a creep. For God’s sake, didn’t they teach you that in Santa school?

16. When you didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas.

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One boy’s crying his eyes out that he didn’t get the new Superman action figure. His younger brother puts his arms around his back.

17. When everyone in your family has the same hairstyle as you.

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Or have to pose for a photo you really didn’t want to be in. Got to feel for the guy in front staring at the camera.

18. Is this family fun time or a hostage situation?

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“Lexie, I don’t care if you hate Christmas music or not. You will sing carols with us and you will like it.”

19. “A deer leg? Just what I always wanted.”

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“Yes, Judy, it’s from that mother doe I shot earlier this month when we had that snow. Not sure where the fawn went.”

20. The more kids you have, the more you can use them for crazy photo ops like this.

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“Now, kids, I’d like you to form a human pyramid while I put lights around you. Tommy can hold the star on his forehead.”

21. When you want a nice wholesome family photo but everyone’s goofing off.

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The dad’s like, “What’s so funny? Why are Karen and Debbie laughing? What’s going on here?”

22. “You want to include the goat in the picture?”

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Yes, there’s a goat in here. The woman has a kid on her lap. The guy’s obviously kind of aghast at as if it was a last minute thing.

23. When you’re forced to pose in a photo with your sibling and in a similar outfit.

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And they’re in ugly sweaters, too. Guess some things never change when you grow up.

24. Am I seeing double or what?

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Well, this depicts 2 guys who are probably brothers wearing the same outfit, and enjoying some quality time with a cat. But one guy isn’t thrilled with the idea.

25. When your humans put you through a humiliating photo op for the Christmas card.

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Dog is like, “Kill me now.” Funny, how this couple’s actually from Pittsburgh. From what I can tell by the Steelers collar.

26. The family that smokes together stays together.

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Of course, a third of that family’s already dead. Due to lung cancer. Because smoking kills folks. Also, that kid with the cigarette really makes his parents look bad.

27. Rudolph, the Red-Nosed-giant hedgehog?

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It’s probably their pet photoshopped in. Because there’s no way in hell that a hedgehog could pull a sleigh. Let alone fly one.

28. When even the dog has to pose in the same holiday sweater.

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The woman’s like, “Is this really necessary? I understand us wearing the sweaters. But did we really have to have the dog wear one? Kind of ridiculous.”

29. “This year we decided to announce that Scotty’s joined the gymnastics team.”

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How else could the son pose in his leotard? Still, got to see the father’s shiny legs. Apparently they’re a thing in the Southwest.

30. Kids don’t understand hand gestures, I guess.

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And little Tony just flipped the bird at Santa. Probably has no idea what it means whatsoever.

31. In the Valley of the Dolls…literally.

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“I don’t want to go in there, Mommy. Those dolls scare me. Please don’t let them murder me.”

32. “Am I the only one to think dressing for the Christmas card was a bad idea?”

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You can see the Christmas tree doesn’t seem too thrilled being dressed like that. Probably knows he’ll be beat up in school if the picture goes out.

33. You’d think this was the family from We Bought a Zoo.

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It’s not. But they seem to have a lot of pets, including a duck and some parrots. Not sure if that’s too many.

34. Sometimes a Christmas photo op might cross the line.

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I don’t know about you. But a dad calling his wife and daughters “ho’s” isn’t a man you’d want to emulate. Also, I can really see the joke.

35. Merry Christmas from one of the families in Toddlers and Tiaras.

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Given that these girls resemble sexualized beauty queens, I don’t have confidence in this couple’s parenting. Seriously, kid beauty pageants should be banned.

36. “I got you a present, Marla.”

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“What is it Travis? Is the weed you’ve been smoking? The shrooms you’ve been taking? I really want to know.”

37. Christmas is often the most happy and jolly time of year.

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And this family doesn’t seem to be that. More like drinking co-workers at an office party who hate each other.

38. Speaking of office parties…

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Yes, that’s Dwight, Jim, and Andy from The Office. Note what’s on Dwight’s head.

39. Don’t pay attention to Mike. He’s just being weird.

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He’s the one with the weird mask. Or is it makeup? Either way, he seems straight out of a horror movie.

40. “Mommy, why did you let that scary man pick me up?”

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Man, that Santa mask is so creepy looking. More like a slasher horror movie. Can totally feel for the little boy.

41. A couple shot is always better with the family dog.

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This just reminds me of all those weird pictures from the 1980s we laugh at. Except it seems rather contemporary for some reason.

42. I’m sure this is either for a Christmas card or a dating profile.

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Celebrating Christmas alone doesn’t really seem right. You can see the desperation in his eyes.

43. When’s Santa coming down?

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Apparently, everyone in this photo seems to wonder that. Since the boy’s looking up in an impatient anticipation.

44. What’s with the navels?

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Says, “Jingle Bellies.” Don’t ask me what the hell that’s supposed to mean. Seriously, this is really fucked up.

45. Santa poses with some elves.

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Looks like it’s one of their vacation photos. I’m sure the Santa’s a mannequin.

46. “Mommy, get that scary man away from me.”

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Yes, that’s another bad Santa mask. And yes, that little girl’s incredibly terrified.

47. When you’ve been in a fight during the last holiday shopping rush.

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The woman also has some piercings. So it creates a rather awkward situation with the parents and grandparents.

48. Apparently, Sparky’s not adjusting well to the new baby.

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And you thought siblings were bad. Her the dog sits on the baby because it wants attention.

49. When you find out that Miss Piggy’s not wearing a bra.

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Piggy, please, cover that up. There’s a kid around. Seriously, have you heard about dressing in layers?

50. That’s a rather interesting gourd.

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Sorry, but decorative gourd season’s been over since November. Also, why did they paint a snowman and use it as a birdfeeder?

51. When you start regretting sitting on the scary man’s lap.

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Yes, the mask is frightening and unrealistic. But as one kid takes it in strive, his brother foresees a sense of nightmarish doom upon the horizon.

52. Do they know Santa’s in this very room?

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He’s basically right behind them near the tree. But the kids don’t really seem as excited as they should be.

53. Sometimes the shirt says it all.

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Here Santa wonders what kind of parents these kids have that their hoodies advertise a tobacco company. And the fact Marlboro has those hoodies in children’s sizes.

54. Sorry kid, but Santa’s had a too few many lately.

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Talk about a sketchy Santa. This guy’s totally loaded on something. What, I don’t know.

55. Dear Satan: Send me cash this Christmas.

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Talk about a sketchy Santa. This guy’s totally loaded on something. What, I don’t know.

56. When you’re a mall Santa who hates his life.

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You can see him hold 3 kids. Two girl cry while the boy sits quietly. And Santa gives a face of disgust over his duties.

57. Sometimes kids can be horrible spellers.

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The kid means “wrapped.” I know that the misspelling gives adults an entirely different image, which goes over the kid’s head.

58. That’s not where you want to smell that gingerbread man.

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Yes, the dog’s sniffing at Al Roker’s crotch. What’s funnier is that this happened live on network TV.

59. Christmas is always a cheerful time of year.

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Not in this family, apparently. Rather this is the kind of family that seems at each other’s throats. One guy’s probably a drinker.

60. Big sister’s not too happy with the new baby.

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Sorry, kid, but I don’t think Santa can send your baby sibling that. Because that’s not how it works. Also, tying up your parents in Christmas lights isn’t a good idea.

61. “Can I pose with my llama?”

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Girl must come from a farm. Since her dad’s also holding a lamb. Wonder what the photographer thought of that.

62. These guys can’t wait for Santa.

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So they’re awaiting his arrival in ducky pajamas. Know that these are grown ass men.

63. You’ll never guess who has a red nose and antlers in this photo.

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Mostly all the members save the father. But one of the boys knows this stunt is incredibly lame and wants no part of it.

64. “Let’s line up wearing our ugly Christmas sweaters.”

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The youngest boy feels like he’s forced into something he doesn’t want to participate in. But I’m afraid he’ll have to face the horror.

65. Girl sits beside a dummy Santa.

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Unfortunately dummy Santa can be just as terrifying as the one you see in the mall. But the girl doesn’t seem to mind. Mainly because she could beat up the doll when it goes after her.

66. When you find Santa totally wasted but must get that memorable shot of your kid.

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Kid seems rather anxious doesn’t he. Maybe Santa shouldn’t frequent the bars on his time off. I suggest he do a 12-step.

67. Peter will always stay true to his Snookums.

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And yes, I mean his cat with a little Santa hat. Though the cat seems to have other ideas.

68. Nativity displays should always be left to the churches.

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Because why involve your kids in a manger display if they won’t take it seriously. Still, kind of feel bad for the angel and you can see a hand.

69. There’s nothing like a Christmas in Antarctica.

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Because you wouldn’t survive without wearing heavy winter clothing. Seriously, this was obviously done in a studio.

70. Everyone should relish in the holiday cheer.

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You can see a couple of blase faces on the couch. Meanwhile two of the women are drinking from bottles.

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree at the Ugly Sweater Party (Sixth Edition)

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Now we get to the ugly Christmas sweaters. What was once the bane of every holiday wardrobe has now become a must-have item for the annual office party. Sure, there may be the traditional fare like Santas, gingerbread men, wreaths, reindeer, Christmas trees, and more. But you’d also see plenty of pop culture stuff and other things. You might see ones for Star Wars, Star Trek, TV shows, movies, and some weird things like sloths, unicorns, and tacos. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of ugly Christmas sweaters. Some may not be safe for work or your family during the holidays. Enjoy.

  1. Go ahead, put that tongue on the flag pole.
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But you’ll have to call 911 if your tongue sticks on a snowy day. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

2. This Christmas, just let it dough with the Pillsbury Doughboy.

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Great to wear when making Christmas cookies. Like the row of croissants.

3. You’d be all lit for Christmas in this sweater.

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Though I’m sure it comes with a battery pack. Santa and Frosty seem to delight in it.

4. Drink up this holiday season.

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This sweater states, “Shut Up and Drink” in gold tinsel. And yes, there’s a beer can in holly.

5. “Fra-jee–lay. Must be Italian.”

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This is a leg lamp sweater. And yes, there are leg lamps from top to bottom. Hilarious.

6. Don’t be a grumpy cat this Christmas.

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Okay, this isn’t Grumpy Cat. But the cat doesn’t seem enthusiastic in a Santa hat.

7. Even sharks can get into the holiday spirit.

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Though I doubt they’d wear sweaters under the sea. One even has a present in its mouth.

8. Someone’s got blue balls this year.

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Well, frosty balls, anyway. Still, guys, please don’t wear this in front of your relatives.

9. Santa’s shown his crack.

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And it seems like he’s wearing a thong while leaving presents. Seriously, shouldn’t he wear something more comfortable? Spending that night sitting on his sleigh must make him sore.

10. This guy’s all decked for the holidays.

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If you don’t have a tree in your office, you can have Gary wear this sweater. And yes, it’s mostly in green tinsel with ornaments.

11. Are all these black cats looking at me?

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This sweater has all of them wearing Santa hats. Perfect for your local crazy cat lady.

12. Apparently, Santa’s a rather horny man.

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Okay, considering it’s a black Santa saying “Hoes, Hoes, Hoes,” there’s some terrible racial stereotyping. Also kind of looks pretty pervy if you ask me.

13. The Scranton Dunder Mifflin office doesn’t always hold the best parties.

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This is from The Office. Michael wears a Santa hat. Dwight wears an elf one behind the Christmas tree.

14. Substitute Teacher’s not messing around.

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He’s from Key & Peele. He’s an inner city school teacher at a white school who mispronounces his students’ names. It’s funny.

15. This guy’s up for any reindeer action.

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Except that reindeer don’t have horns. They have antlers that fall off after mating season. At least along the males.

16. Nike even has ugly Christmas sneakers.

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Normal tennis shoes are a must have. Ugly Christmas tennis shoes are a waste of money. Since you only wear them once a year.

17. May your Christmas be merry and Dwight.

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And yes, I mean Dwight from The Office. Beware of beet presents and bears at Schrute Farms.

18. Even dogs can enjoy the ugly Christmas sweater trend.

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The dog wears a reindeer one with glasses. And no it doesn’t seem happy about it at all.

19. The Abominable Snowman holds up the mistletoe.

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Wonder what kind of abominable snow lady’s he’s looking to kiss under it. Might want to try Nepal.

20. Those into slasher horror will want this sweater for the holidays.

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Sure, they don’t have much to do with Christmas. Includes Freddie, Jason, Mike Myers, and Leatherface.

21. Perhaps you can decorate your own holiday sweater.

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This one depicts snow, lights, and snowflakes with stuff you find at a craft store. Not sure if the sweater’s home made though.

22. Get lit wearing this Christmas tree shirt.

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And yes, this one really lights up. Comes with candy cane striped sleeves, too.

23. Make your holidays a colorful rainbow spectacle.

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Features a rainbow Christmas tree in shiny beads. Love the golden star on top.

24. A shiny penguin sweater will certainly suit you.

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Well, the penguin’s wearing a Christmas tree tie. Decorated with fake poinsettias, ribbons, and tinsel.

25. Perhaps you’d like a Krampus Christmas sweater.

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The Krampus is plush. And he appears rather phallic. So better not wear it in front of the kids.

26. You can be a bit sloth this holiday season.

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Well, this is a sloth ugly Christmas sweater. Because sloths are cute with their eyes and sharp claws. This one wears a Santa hat.

27. Care to wear a little black dress?

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This sweater dress is decorated with silver bows and tinsel on the cuffs and skirt. Snazzy isn’t it?

28. Green feathers always make a Christmas sweater haute couture.

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Kind of makes her seem like the height of fashion. If she lived in Whoville.

29. Christmas Grizzly always knows how to party.

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Because he knows when you need a cold one. Also, he’s supposed to be hibernating.

30. John Calvin doesn’t care much for Christmas.

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Ironic he’s even on a sweater. Because didn’t he not celebrate it? After all, the Puritans didn’t and they were certainly influenced by his ideas.

31. Feel free to don an ugly Christmas skirt this holiday season.

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After all, these ladies did. 2 have winter scenes. One has Santas.

32. Always got to dedicate Christmas to the birthday boy.

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Here this ugly Christmas sweater features Jesus Christ, our Lord. Of course, you don’t want to know what his Easter sweater looks like. Also, he wasn’t treated better than Donald Trump.

33. Are you on the Nice List or the Naught List?

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By the way, if you take green, you’re nice. If you take red, you’re naughty.

34. Yes, they have Christmas sweaters for couples.

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These two have Christmas sweaters with each other’s pictures on them. Isn’t that sweet?

35. Ho, ho, ho, DJ Santa’s in the house.

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Okay, I might want to leave the party right now. I can’t stand Christmas music. Seriously.

36. Tis the season for outlandish tackiness.

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The guy here wears an atrocious elf costume. The woman wears a Christmas tree sweater dress. Not sure who’s tackier.

37. This Christmas, there’s something you must know.

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This is based off a conspiracy theory questioning Jeffrey Epstein’s suicide. Still, the guy was a heinous sex criminal who deserved what he got. So can’t we appreciate that he’s dead?

38. It wouldn’t be Christmas without the Wet Bandits.

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Yes, they’re terrible criminals who you wouldn’t want lurking around your house. But after what Kevin McAllister does to them, I’m not sure whether to root for their doom or pity them.

39. Look, Santa Claus came in on his sleigh.

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Well, he’s dressed as Santa. And his sleigh’s featured on his Christmas sweater. Kind of crazy isn’t it?

40. Don’t forget to put on a pair of ugly Christmas heels.

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Decorated with bows, gold tinsel, and bells. May jingle when you walk in them.

41. Everyone wants a Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich Christmas sweater this holiday season.

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The Popeye’s chicken sandwich was a hot menu item this year. So much that many restaurants faced mass panic as soon as they ran out.

42. Bugs really don’t like this time of year.

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Because it’s cold and many of them freeze and die. But they’ll come back in the spring. I guarantee it.

43. You might want to wear this hat to go with that leg lamp sweater.

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Says, “Fragile” meant to denote the package’s contents. Or Donald Trump’s ego.

44. Who ya gonna call this Christmas?

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This one features the Ghostbusters logo in a standard Christmas wreath. like the rows of decor. So funny.

45. Look out, Trump Grinch is out to steal…..well, everything.

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Says that his hands and heart were 2 sizes too small. You might say the same about his penis and capacity for humanity.

46. Forget reindeer. Santa’s got his sleigh pulled by pterodactyl.

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Sure it may seem cool. But remember those prehistoric flyers have been extinct for around 65 million years. Sorry, kid.

47. She’s not a player. She just gets crushes a lot.

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She means while she lusts in her heart, she doesn’t pursue other men. At least when at least one of them isn’t single.

48. Christmas sweater for 4?

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I’m sure they’re wearing stuff underneath. Since you want your hands free and not be around the same 3 people all the time. So this is just for the photo op.

49. Someone’s dreaming of a Dwight Christmas.

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Still, would you want Dwight to be at your Christmas party? Probably not since he’s really weird.

50. Let me introduce you to Frosty’s alcoholic cousin.

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He’s Frothy the Snowman. A magical snowman with a penchant for beer.

51. Seek Yoda Claus, you do.

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Wears Santa hat and robe he does. Carries candy cane everywhere, he does. Go all over you in a lightsaber duel, he will.

52. Don’t forget to get dressed in your best Christmas suit.

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And this is certainly not one you’d wear for church. Seriously, people will get eye problems looking at it.

53. Let it glow with this reindeer.

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He’s even wearing sunglasses and a matching sweater, too. Like the lights on his antlers though.

54. This Christmas, Santa sleighs the zombies.

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Because zombie elves are no match for the big man in the red suit. Do your worst, you brain-eating undead corpses.

55. With Donald Trump, Christmas trees are fake.

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Still, even if artificial, this Christmas tree’s more real than Donald Trump’s business and political successes ever will be. At least the impeachment will stick on him for the rest of his life.

56. “Spank me, Santa! Spank me hard!”

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Yeah, I know it’s dirty. But there are some people into it. Still, don’t wear this sweater at the family Christmas gathering.

57. Ever see Santa ride a shark before?

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Probably not. But you’d never think Santa could hold a trident or breathe underwater either.

58. Work for Dunder Mifflin? You might want this sweater.

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It’s the paper company from The Office. There’s even paper clips on here.

59. Didn’t think Santa knew how to dunk.

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Here he plays some ball with Rudolph and an elf. And why’s the elf on a basketball team. He’s obviously too short.

60. Yes, there’s a short version for that suit.

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Don’t know why anyone would wear one. Since it looks utterly ridiculous if you ask me.

 

SantaCon Costumes Are Coming to Town (Fifth Edition)

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Now we get to the Christmas outfits. Midway through the Christmas season is SantaCon, a day long public booze fest and orgy that could land a child in several years of therapy. Seriously, if kids see a bunch of drunk Santas around, they’ll have a lot of questions parents won’t be prepared to answer. Like how much does Santa drink? How’s his marriage to Mrs. Claus been lately? And what the hell was Santa doing with that elf in aisle 5 at Wal Mart? Then you have cops who dread this annual debauched Christmas tradition that has started in the States but now has spread worldwide. Now I don’t recommend people to dress up like a Santa, drink a shitload of booze, screw a snowman in public, and get a great Christmas mugshot at the local police station. In fact, you can’t since it was last Saturday. But I do encourage you to look at these SantaCon costumes.

  1. These 3 elf ladies are watching you.
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Though these women are rather naughty. Since they’ll be frolicking on the streets under the influence.

2. These women are insulated in their own snow globes.

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These are made from plastic, by the way. Yet, they wear ugly sweaters underneath. One’s a Christmas tree. The other’s a snowman.

3. Gangsta Santas are coming to town.

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One wears a suit with Christmas trees and wreaths. The other wears a Santa suit. Both have gold chains around their necks.

4. Let’s all hear it for the birthday boy.

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This is a Jesus costume. Though it’s more appropriate for the Easter passion play. But you can’t revel in booze and orgies during that time.

5. Santas always love to party.

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One guy wears a white clown wig. Also has chains over his Santa suit and green shirt.

6. Black fur always brings winter glamor.

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Yet, the skirt is way too short. So if you wear it, put on some leggings as well.

7. She seems quite frosty, doesn’t she?

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Once again, her skirt is too short. And I don’t think the socks will keep her warm either.

8. She takes Christmas in jest.

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She wears a Santa jester hat and sunglasses. The sunglasses say, “Ho Ho Ho.”

9. She walks out in striped socks.

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And she wears a short Santa dress with straps. Will obviously wear a coat at SantaCon, don’t you think?

10. This elf’s ready to please Santa.

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Indeed, since her skirt’s awfully short. If it weren’t for the fake fur trim, she’d work as a stripper Peter Pan.

11. Mrs. Claus always knows what Santa wants.

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She wears a long red dress and a lace cap. And yes, she knows all about her husband, doesn’t she?

12. She must be a flashy nutcracker soldier.

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It’s pink, sparkly, and trimmed with fur. And I’m pretty sure it’s worn by a mannequin.

13. She’s looking for something naught this Christmas.

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Since her outfit seems to resemble some kind of lingerie. Also includes Santa hat.

14. Don’t mess with these reindeer does.

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They just wear makeup and antlers. All the rest is regular winter clothing.E

15. Even Mickey Mouse attends SantaCon.

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He wears a Santa suit with his trademark shorts. Not sure how he keeps warm.

16. This elf is ready to party.

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She wears a green outfit with hood and a green and red tulle skirt. Comes with matching red sunglasses.

17. Kids approach Santa and his gang in Hawaii.

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Well, this doesn’t seem too bad. Santa even wears shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, too.

18. She comes tight laced in her Santa suit.

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Well, it’s more of a leotard. Hope her black pants can keep her warm through the Santa Con revelry.

19. Care to smile for a group photo?

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One’s dressed as a firefighter. Another’s dressed as a snowflake queen.

20. Santa and Mrs. Claus know how to have a good time.

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He wears a Christmas themed Hawaiian shirt. She dons a long fur and velvet red cape. Both wear sunglasses.

21. Just hanging around at the bar.

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You even have a few wise men here. One waves a Terrible Towel for some reason. So is this Pittsburgh?

22. Santa hangs out with a chimney girl.

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Well, she wears an ugly sweater. But she has a chimney hat on. So I’ll count that.

23. One elf carries a large sack.

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The sack is in red and white striped colors to match his sock. Wonder what’s inside it. And do I really want to know?

24. Perhaps a gray Santa suit will do nicely.

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The guy even wears one with presents and snowflakes. She just wears a red Santa coat with a red strapless top.

25. Want to hug a Christmas tree?

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Though he seems more dressed like a Christmas shrub. Even has ornaments hanging on him.

26. Krampus comes to town looking for brats.

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But here he just wants to have a good time. And yes, he’ll scar some onlooking kids for life. Even if they have no idea who he is.

27. These girls just want to have fun.

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Some are dressed in lights. One’s dressed as Cindy Lou Who from The Grinch.

28. Everyone wants to party with these Santas.

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Both of these guys wear sunglasses, too. One even has a rather interesting and unconventional Santa hat.

29. A simple Santa dress will do.

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Still awfully short. But at least it comes with fur leggings on the shins. So that’s something, isn’t it?

30. Strapless is always the way to go.

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She has fur trimmed gloves, too. Though I’m not sure about the Santa top.

31. Santa and Mrs. Claus stroll into town.

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Well, they wear rather conventional Christmas attire like you’d expect. Though Santa does carry a walking stick and jingle bells.

32. My, that’s a colorful Santa.

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This one wears a pirate hat with a colorful beard. Makes me wonder if this Santa was at Woodstock.

33. Mobster Santa gives good kids an offer they can’t refuse.

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And for bad kids, instead of coal, he makes them full of lead so they can more easily sleep with the fishes. He also smokes cigars.

34. Merry Hipster Christmas like it’s anywhere near mainstream.

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Sure she wears candy cane leggings under her fur coat. Because that’s totally not mainstream.

35. These ladies love to go on the town.

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Yet, they don’t appear to wear much. Wonder if either are shivering since it can get quite cold this time of year.

36. Hipster Santa knows what’s hip.

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Okay, this is a woman costume. But it’s quite skimpy and not meant for incredibly freezing temperatures.

37. The Grinch and Max will show you a good time.

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Must they have sexy costumes for everything? What’s next, Donald Trump? On second thought, please don’t let there be a costume of that stinking cesspit of a human being.

38. This elf girl is all jingles.

She wears an outfit of green and red. While her reindeer friend walks behind her.

39. These 3 Santas crashed a Mexican tequila bar.

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Since they’re all wearing sombreros. Well, 2 wear Santa suits and the other wears a red hoodie.

40. This snazzy man hangs out with his favorite elf.

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He wears a Christmas tree tie and a light necklace. Also sports a top hat for flair.

41. Even a Christmas cowgirl needs a drink.

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Here she sneaks a drink into her red and white jacket. Also sports a red cowboy hat.

42. I believe they’re on the merry side of the Force.

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They’re dressed as Han Solo, Princess Leia, and Chewbacca. All in their Christmas glory.

43. These women are on the street in their pajamas.

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Kind of weird to see them like this. Almost reminds of what you’d see with People at Wal Mart.

44. Here’s a rather unique Santa.

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He’s go a Santa hat on with spikes. While he warms himself in a black fur coat.

45. Perhaps you’d prefer a black Santa outfit instead.

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She also has purple hair and fishnet stockings. Not sure if it’s winter weather appropriate though.

46. Someone’s riding Santa’s shoulders.

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Seems like it’s his lucky day. Okay, it’s just a costume. And yes, it’s rather freaky.

47. Seems Frosty doesn’t come with much this year.

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She wears a rather short outfit. Wonder if she’s got any white leggings with it. Since she’s bound to freeze.

48. These elf girls enjoy a morning walk.

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If they’re not having fun at Santa Con, they’re working in Santa Land. Both wear leggings of red and green fur.

49. You can’t go up any shorter can you?

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Is she one of Santa’s hookers? Since she’s wearing a bra with her red shorts and suspenders.

50. Want to see these Santa girls?

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They all wear fake leather skirts with fur trim. They also wear Santa hats and strapped tops.

51. Jesus comes out to celebrate his birthday.

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He comes wearing a birthday hat. While a star appears beside him.

52. This reindeer girl is eager to please.

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Has Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer glasses. She also wears a Christmas vest and Santa hat.

53. This man is in his full Santa revelry.

He’s only partially covered. But his Santa hat has a large jingle on it.

54. Come to the Island of Misfit Toys.

Two Santas hang out with Yukon Cornelius and the toys. Toys present are the doll, the elephant and the Charlie-in-the-Box.

55. She’s a toy soldier. He’s being carried by Santa.

She has a little drum to beat. He’s got a trophy cup to show off. Not sure why.

56. Get a load of these 2 gingerbread figures.

Both are in rather cartoonish figures. Also, why cover their heads?

57. Seems like Santa gets on with the Grinch.

Well, I’m sure Christmas may get to Santa once in a while. After he’s got so much pressure to deliver billions of presents in one night.

58. Want to pose with Krampus?

That’s a rather scary monster. But these women don’t seem to mind too much.

59. You can’t go tighter than this.

Hey, at least she’s wearing pants. Her cuffs and neckline is trimmed with white fur.

60. Sometimes a coat is all you need.

She only wears a belt. While her legs are covered in black tights. Hope they’re thick enough for increment weather.

61. Sometimes people even bring their kids.

This Santa brings his kid dressed as an elf. Despite that Santa Con is no such place for kids.

62. Found him with the dreidel girl.

Yes, Waldo can be everywhere. Even among Santas in jumpsuits and fedoras.

63. A Christmas suit always gets the girls.

His suit has snowmen, Christmas trees, stars, and reindeer. And yes, one woman wears a Santa dress.

64. Santa’s taking his elf places.

Is that a segway? Still, one elf rides in the basket. As Santa drives.

65. Hanukkah Man comes with his gift bag.

He’s even wearing his menorah hat. While he’s put on his Hanukkah shirt.

66. Santa’s the mascot of Christmas.

Well, he pretty much is. Yet, this costume depicts him with a cartoonish head you wouldn’t want to be caught dead in.

67. She’s the height of candy cane couture.

She wears candy cane tights with pink and red furs. Her tiara’s made from pink and red icicles and baubles.

68. These toy soldiers are proud to serve Santa’s Army.

Though you’ll have to wind them up before they can march off to war. And they’re currently getting crushed by global warming.

69. At Santa Con, the Santas run with Jesus.

And apparently, the Santas find it hard to keep up. Despite that Jesus only wears sandals but no pants.

70. Hipster Santas take Santa Con by storm.

Well, there’s a reindeer among them. But one wears a beard with braids.

71. She’s all set to frolic among the Santas.

She wears a red Santa dress with a jacket of pom pom fasteners. Though her skirt’s rather short.

72. Ladies and Gentlemen, the King of the North Pole.

He’s dressed in a mashup of Santa and Elvis. And yes, he’s brimming with rhinestones.

73. Mrs. Claus sure knows how to dress.

Indeed, she’s in a lovely outfit with poinsettia hair decorations. But the Santa next to her really creeps me out.

74. Gingy’s really enjoying himself.

Here he stands with Santa. Not sure what the other 2 are supposed to be. Probably part of some ice skating show.

75. She prefers the company of penguins.

And they’re dressed like costumed mascots. Unfortunately, they’re not affiliated with the Pittsburgh Penguins.

76. This Santa comes in support of his team.

Not sure where this is. Yet, one dons a jersey that he thinks go with his shorts.

77. Why so serious during this holiday season?

Yes, this is a Joker Santa. And he’s got lights on his beard. Nonetheless, please keep away from him.

78. Bet you’d want this hippopotamus for Christmas.

Well, he’s dressed as a hippo. But hey, at least he’s not as dangerous a real one that would tear you to pieces.

79. Want to sound the heralds?

Here she wears her cheerful attire and blows her horn. Also carries a sack over her back.

80. There’s a robot in front of the White House.

Well, it’s a snowman bot. And I bet its here to freeze the Trump adminstration during the impeachment proceedings.

The Sweet Candy World of Gingerbread Architecture (Fourth Edition)

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A key Christmas feature is the gingerbread house. In Hansel and Gretel, this is the fairy tale equivalent of a windowless van with free candy. Anyway, on these you’ll find stuff like gum drops you’d never eat, candy canes, icing, and more. For many families, it’s a Christmas tradition that stores often sell gingerbread house kids. Now I don’t usually show them because they’re quite standard and lack much originality. But for some repressed artists, these kits are just child’s play. When you Google gingerbread houses, you come to some elaborate displays at some of these contests. Obviously a sign that some people have too much time on their hands. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of sweet gingerbread houses.

  1. Every kid dreams of a candy castle.
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Has some ice cream sundae tower tops. Even has a fountain.

2. A modern dome house is the latest in gingerbread design.

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Doesn’t look like much. But it lights from a window from the inside.

3. Feel free to walk on the winter bridge.

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Comes with 2 lamp posts that light up. Has frosting on the railing.

4. You can’t pass by a colorful church.

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This one has beautiful stained glass windows. Love the candy cane columns and Christmas decorations.

5. Feel free to attend a holiday party at this large mansion.

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Or is it a fancy hotel? Has wreaths on windows and 2 chimneys.

6. Enjoy the romantic atmosphere of Venice, Italy.

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Yes, Venice is a beautiful city despite being the 18th century Las Vegas. But now it’s basically sinking and has recently experienced floods due to climate change. So enjoy this gingerbread replica while you can.

7. Perhaps you’d prefer a quaint Christmas cottage.

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This is in a more medieval fairy tale village design. Has lights on the roof and the wreath on the door.

8. Sometimes it pays to go big.

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This giant gingerbread house is from Disneyland. And yes, it’s got Santa on the porch roof.

9. Care to stay at a swanky inn?

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This is a beautiful establishment that you probably can’t stay in. Love the balconies.

10. Don’t forget to deck the halls.

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This house has candy cane columns and garlands at the windows. A Christmas tree sits on the balcony and a wreath hangs near the roof. So stunning.

11. Spend a weekend in the woods at Clear Moon Lodge.

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This one is made from pretzel sticks stacked against each other. A snowman sits in the lawn.

12. You’d marvel at this stone house.

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Okay, it’s covered in candy. But it’s quite huge and lights up from the inside.

13. Hop aboard this wooden gingerbread ship.

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However, don’t say I didn’t warn you about the cramped spaces and the smell of human waste and vomit. Seriously, wooden ships make Carnival cruise ships look like a pleasure ride on a bad day.

14. Take a stroll around the town.

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This one has a few store fronts. The toy store has a clock on the roof.

15. An ornate house must have some elegant decorations.

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The roof lattice is quite elaborate. Has wreaths over the top window and garlands on the railings and window frames.

16. A Victorian house can be especially fancy.

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This might be from a kit but it has intricate designs. A Christmas tree stands at the balcony.

17. A simple church will always do.

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This one just has a steeple. Wreaths deck the roof and door.

18. A winter castle is always a chilly retreat.

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This one has white chocolate flower pretzels decorated as snowflakes. Also has 2 towers in the back.

19. Perhaps you’d rather spend your Christmas at a simple brick house.

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The house is red brick and has dark shutters and white columns. A large Christmas tree stands in the lawn.

20. This modern gingerbread house has some state-of-the-art technology.

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This one has a brick chimney with some antennae. The windows have lattice in a diamond pattern.

21. You’d feel at home in this cozy Christmas cottage.

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This one has a cookie stone path and lovely decorations. The Christmas trees are made from ice cream cones.

22. This house features a Christmas tree in a window.

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This one has lovely lattice trim on the roofs. The tree inside even sports candles.

23. Care for a retreat to the countryside?

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Everything here’s made out of cookie. Even the trees and roof tiles. Also has icicles dripping from the roof.

24. You have to keep everything ship shape these days.

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Yes, this is another wooden ship. But it also has the sails out and it’s not as flashy at the previous one.

25. Feel free to stay at this treehouse.

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Seems like it’s a haven for gnomes. Wonder how many live there.

26. Nothing makes a trip to Philadelphia worthwhile than a trip to Independence Hall.

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And here’s the gingerbread version. And yes, the Declaration of Independence and the US Constitution were signed there.

27. Come on up to the tooth fairy’s house.