As long as we had LP records, we’ve had album covers, well, for the most part at least since the 1960s. As you look from above, this is an image of the Queen II album released in 1974 which isn’t one of their best known at any rate. However, those who look at it and weren’t around during the 1970s, might mistake it as an example of false advertising because the Queen band members are in a pose that’s akin to the beginning of the “Bohemian Rhapsody” video. Yet, that song is actually on the album they released the next year called A Night at the Opera, which would be their breakthrough success. Nevertheless, the pose is masterfully done. And album art wise, I think it’s better than A Night at the Opera even though the latter has better songs. Unfortunately, for all you album art afficionados out there, my album art posts aren’t meant for the masterpiece covers. In fact, quite the contrary. Rather I go for the vintage album covers that time forgot mostly because the design is pretty awful yet unintentionally funny, creepy, or inappropriate. Hell, they can even do it intentionally. So for your reading pleasure and the fact I decided to wait until after Father’s Day to do any 4th of July posts, I give you another edition of vintage album covers so tacky that you’ll forget about them until they’re seen at a yard sale.
- Marcy Sings Jesus Loves Me
The woman on here doesn’t look right either. Yes, she’s smiling. But it’s a kind of smile you’d see on someone who’s high.
That’s what we need, a creepy doll singing songs about Jesus for children.
2. The Joyful Sounds: Guide Me Lord
Okay, Hairspray first came out in the 1980s as a film. And this album was released at least a decade before that. But it’s not a great analogy. But still, they use way more hairspray than an average cast member from that musical.
Or as I call it, the Christian version of Hairspray but with way more volume for the Lord.
3. Don McNeil and Eddie Ballantine and His Band: March Around the Breakfast Table
Yes, this family looks so unusually happy at breakfast time. However, wouldn’t marching around the breakfast table be difficult if you’re holding a toaster. Because I know they’re not portable.
Because nothing brings your spirits up like marching to music at breakfast.
4. Herbie Mann: Push, Push
Yes, he thinks he’s so manly with a flute in his hand. Still, this is a perfect example on why classical musicians shouldn’t really do fanservice poses on their album covers.
What? Never seen a flutist with a hairy chest.
5. Jimmy Jenson: Understand Your’e Swede
I know it’s supposed to be Understand You’re Swede. But someone placed an apostrophe at the wrong place. Also, why the hell is the mom wearing a miniskirt in the woods?
Unfortunately, Jimmy Jenson’s proofreader was busy.
6. Elliot Lawrence: Music for Trapping
Now it’s one thing if a man puts deer heads on his wall. But if he puts heads of his ex-girlfriends, you should probably call 911. I can understand that the woman is understandably creeped out since she’s found herself in a horror movie.
And by “trapping,” I don’t think he means woodland creatures.
7. Introducing Mr. Versatile the Fabulous Willis Wade
That has to be one of the most hideous suits I have ever seen. Those cars look pretty lame, too.
Guess he’s a musician with no fashion sense and who doesn’t know how to get out of traffic.
8. Bob Fleming Plays Boleros
Guess it wouldn’t be bad without a little knight music. Still, I think it would be very hard to play a saxophone in a suit of armor. Hope he doesn’t go medieval on you.
Featuring a saxophone solo by Sir Saxelot.
9. Paul Mickelson: Plays for Youth
Of course, Paul’s friends started to wonder whether he had strayed from his Lord and got into some hallucinogenic brown acid. Yeah, there must be something really wrong with him. This is freaky.
Alone at his organ, Paul imagined tiny Christian teens.
10. Nicky Cruz: The Cross and the Switchblade
Note that the guy’s smiling face is juxtaposed on a dark painting depicting multiple murders. Yeah, kids do the craziest things sometimes.
Or as I call it, “Finding Jesus in a Time of Gang Violence.”
11. Dave Harris and the Powerhouse Five: Dinner Music for a Pack of Hungry Cannibals
No, Stacy, this isn’t a nice soak in a hot tub before dinner. Because you are dinner. In fact, you’re the main course. Favorite album of Dr. Hannibal Lecter.
For some reason, this blonde seems rather excited about being cooked alive in a boiling pot over a fire.
12. Leith Stevens and His Orchestra: Jazz Themes for Cops and Robbers
Still, that image of someone pointing a gun just makes me uncomfortable for some reason. Perhaps because it seems like it’s pointed right at me.
For when the speaker music at the bank during a simple hold up job just doesn’t cut it.
13. Obren Pjevovic
Man, that man seems remarkably calm while riding a falling bomb that’s bound to blow him up to oblivion. And he has it between his legs, which suggests a rather subtle meaning entirely.
For some reason, the Soviet version of Dr. Strangelove was never put into production.
14. Tortura: The Sounds of Pain and Punishment
Who knew that they had vintage BDSM albums? Also, notice that this cover only features women.
A musical selection chosen especially from the 50 Shades of Christian Grey archives.
15. Schytts: Halligang 6
Here’s what their page says: “For a lot of ages now, since aerly in the middle of 1968, we have brought our mark of by far musice to people of our country, and China also in dovesound. We have stipulated with many in the worlds. Now enjoying of ours fine becoming obsolete to the future coldplay confesses reactive ideas.” Yeah, they need spellcheck badly.
Apparently, their music is said to be a creative rendition of crap.
16. Lenny Dee: Down South
Guess this guy is in Florida since it’s the ocean. Still, the girl in this is dressed up like a ballerina in high heeled shoes.
Because where else could you play piano on a motorboat and watch a girl water ski at the same time.
17. Ana Kathleen Brady: God’s Chosen Puppet
Okay, this is creepy. With strings attached and an uneasy smile, this Christian woman is scaring the bejesus out of me.
Now with ribbon strings that go up to the Lord Almighty.
18. Jerry Irby: Hot Line to Heaven
Sorry, but people don’t associate plaid suits as a mark of godliness. Rather he’s probably a musician whose day job is a 1920s bootlegger on Boardwalk Empire.
Answered by a man with a guitar with the fashion sense of a used car salesman.
19. LSD: Battle for the Mind
Nevertheless, this design seems straight out of some horror movie from the 1980s. And it doesn’t seem something I’d take seriously.
Based on a hallucinogenic acid trip gone horribly, horribly wrong.
20. Jack Carey: ….In Jesus’ Name
No, I don’t want to see a guy like that coming down the stairs. I don’t care if he has a Bible in his hand. this guy’s creeping me out.
Featuring sacred music performed by a man who looks like a 1970s version of Jim Carrey as a sex offender.
21. Mattie McFerrin: Keep a Light Shining Bright
Still, if anything happens to that oil lamp, everything in that picture will go up in smoke. Not to mention, a lot of hair spray can make a coif like that particularly flammable.
And keep that lamp away from her hair.
22. Ronnie Neuman: At the Padded Cell
These guys seem to take prison time with so much stride. Hope the real hardened criminals don’t do anything to their instruments. Because that would be bad.
Featuring songs like “Jailhouse Rock,” “Prisoners of Love,” “House of the Rising Sun,” and “Cell Block Tango.”
23. Hal Willis: Mr. Lumberjack
Of course, he was probably aiming for realism here. Because who cares what you wear when you’re chopping down trees in the woods (besides protective gear)?
Because a man with a striped rainbow coat and an axe is a pinnacle of masculinity.
24. Teen Challenge Addicts Choir
For some reason, they have kid choir juxtaposed with a person shooting up. I don’t know why they thought this was a good idea. Because it’s not.
For those young born again junkies shooting up for their Lord.
25. Les Pallbearer and His All-Ghoul Orchestra: Music for Morticians
Hopefully, this doesn’t have the kind of music that would wake the dead. Guaranteed to give you the “fun” in funeral before you take a trip the destination of 6 feet under.
The kind of music that’ll make you feel good as you make the dead look good.
26. The Gospel Rhythm-Aires: I’ll Never Be Afraid
For some reason, I don’t see a volcano destroying an entire city as one of a doomsday message of faith, hope, and salvation. In fact, it’s more like an apocalyptic scenario guaranteed to make me shit my pants.
Guess these people kind of know where they’re a gonna’ go when the volcano blows.
27. Yvette Horner: Bal Chez Yvette
A smoking dog playing the accordion? Now that’s pretty messed up. Wonder how they came up with that idea.
Featuring her smoking and sunglasses wearing dog Blackie at the accordion.
28. The Best of Marcel Marceau
So let me get this straight, Marcel Marceau actually released an album? How does that work? Because he’s not known for his audio recordings.
Heard it’s great for French mime parties. Just two sides of absolute silence.
29. Steve Allen: Electrified Favorites
Yeah, I don’t think being near electrical devices while soaking your feet is a good idea. Might get you killed.
Featuring one of his last known original songs, “Burned to a Crisp.”
30. Music to Clean Up Stream Pollution By
Ironically, this was created by Union Carbide, the chemical company that brought you the 1984 Bhopal disaster in India that has left an estimated 500,000 exposed and 20,000 dead from its effects. It’s like an album saving ocean life that was produced by BP.
Listen to the tunes such as Big Mouth Billy Bass’s “Don’t Take Me to the River.”
31. Elmer G. Letterman: Personal Power Through Creative Selling
Uh, I don’t think property damage through nuclear holocaust isn’t covered. Because that’s considered a risky investment. Still, why the hell do they have a mushroom cloud on this album? Seriously, why?
Let this big name insurance expert literally blow your mind.
32. The Nickel Family Singers: Love Is Why and Other Devotional Themes
For some reason, the people’s heads in this seem photoshopped to their bodies. Also, the kids seem like they’re straight out of the Village of the Damned wearing red suits. Bound to give anyone nightmares.
Because there’s nothing like a wholesome Christian album featuring a family that will creep you out.
33. Mellodies of Dick Kossins
So this band is basically controlled by some old lady who’s using the musicians as marionettes. Do you see how messed up that is?
Musicians orchestrated by some old lady puppetmeister in a blue dress.
34. Reverend Danny Nance: Jesus and Superman
And it seems that the people are paying more attention to Jesus than the Man of Steel. Then again, after what he did in Man of Steel, I think Jesus might need to teach Superman a lesson in incurring collateral damage.
Because for many these are men of truth, justice, and the American way. But while one may save the day, the other will save your soul from eternal damnation.
35. Jed Ford: I Saw the Light
Then again, he might’ve mistaken the light for the sun. Or he might’ve meant it as a metaphor for a spiritual awakening. However, his suit on the other hand, seems like he bought it from a cartoon resale shop.
However, it was so blindingly bright that I now wear shades.
36. Moostash Joe: “Dance Little Bird”
Then again, given the outlandish songs at costumes at Eurovision, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone performed this song in such a costume. Also, seems more like a funky chicken to me.
Said to be “Europe’s most popular song.”
37. Rare Gold
I’m sorry, but the guy in the album reminds me so much of Ted Cruz who almost everyone hates. And I’d not want him to put a gold chain around my neck.
Or as I call it, “The Courtship and Marriage of Senator Ted Cruz.”
38. Money Is To Burn
Now that’s guy’s a complete idiot. Putting your money in your grill. Bet he’s going to regret that.
Featuring songs like “Cookin’ the Books” and “Fiscal Inferno.”
39. Star Point: Keep on It
Apparently to them, the disco years are alive and well in outer space. Too bad, they’d look like they come from the 1970s on Earth.
Looks like this is from a non-existent funky disco future.
40. Beth Brown: School Book for Dogs
Uh, dogs don’t go to school unless if it’s for service or obedience. Also, I don’t think dogs read either. Ridiculous.
Because with how things are going these days, your pooch might need to learn the skills to get by in this dog-eat-dog world.
41. The Joy Boys: Cookin’ Up a Party
I’m sorry but I don’t think confetti is even edible. It’s also quite flammable, too. So I wouldn’t want any near a stove.
However, just don’t ask them to cook up any food on the stove.
42. Yngwie J. Malmstein: Trilogy
Uh, does he have any idea that the dragon is burning up his guitar? Perhaps it’s not a magical object after all.
Behold, 3 headed dragon, the power of my magic electric guitar!
43. Cocktails Dancing: Cocktail Music for Robots
Let me guess, is this a disco album? Thought so. Still, they seem to do quite fine in a place known to have no atmosphere whatsoever.
Since when would robots ever enjoy cocktails? I don’t get it.
44. Green and Iles: Keep It Gay Conversational Music
Even more funny is that this features a straight couple as far as we know. Yeah, they’re totally not keeping it gay in the modern context.
Nowadays, this title has a very different meaning.
45. Jimmy Fontana: Non Te Ne Andare
I’m sure the kidnappers will have no trouble getting the ransom from her loved ones. After all, she seems like a gorgeous woman. But still, this is a really messed up cover. Being kidnapped and tied up like that isn’t sexy in most situations.
Guess it means something along the lines of “all tied up.”
46. Leona Anderson: Music to Suffer By
You know if it’s music to suffer by, chances are that you don’t want to listen to it. Also, the broken record speaks for itself.
For some reason, I bet the music on this album isn’t any good.
47. Anna Russell in Darkest Africa
Now this is really racist. Really, depicting African tribesmen as hostile like this really offends the people there. Seriously, they’re not all like that.
And I see that she managed to get put in a basket by a bunch of headhunters, I mean African tribesmen.
48. Jim Post: I Love My Life
And another example of attempted fanservice gone wrong. Yeah, kind of seems like a mad guy having the shower curtain pulled on him.
And for extra sales, he’s going shirtless under a waterfall.
49. Kevin Rowland: My Beauty
No, I don’t think a guy trying on his girlfriend’s clothes is a good idea. Mostly because they’d mostly be too small and will be stretched out anyway.
Featuring him getting dressed in women’s clothes, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
50. Dick Black and His Band: A Taste of Dick Black
Now this looks like it could pass for a mundane album cover without a fuss. If only if it weren’t that this accordion player has a very unfortunate name. Because the title is unintentionally hilarious.
Please don’t tell me what I think it means.