Last February, I did a post on vintage album covers that have been a great success. So with January being what it is on not having much material and the fact I’ve basically no ideas for an epic post series, I decided to do another edition. Of course, I’ve done subsequent editions on postcards and book covers so why not? Not to mention, I even did an album covers Christmas edition as well. Nevertheless, you can understand the significance of what album covers can do for the albums they promote. We’ll always remember Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon album because of it’s picture of a prism forming a rainbow on a beam of light is what makes this piece of rock memorabilia (along with the songs). However, if you’re someone who expects to see the great album covers, then I think you better go somewhere else on the internet like Ebay or Amazon since this post to some of the great album art disasters in music history. Some may be bad due to bad and outdated fashion sense. Some may due to photoshop and weird photo ops. Others simply because the record company didn’t have the budget. There may be a lot of reasons like causing offense. But the reason I post such terrible album covers because many of them tend to be unintentionally funny. So without further adieu, here is a collection of vintage album covers that really haven’t held too well to say the least. (Warning content may not be suitable for children and there may be offensive content but of course, these are terrible album covers we’re talking about).
1. Mike Pacheco: Bongo Date with Mike Pacheco
So let me get this straight. Is it that bongo players only prefer hookers? Or is it that only hookers prefer bongo players? Either way, it kind of seems geared to people who hate Beatniks. Then again, bongo players aren’t really seen as desirable dates.
After a night playing bongos during a poetry session at the local Beatnik bar at Greenwich Village, bongo boy Mike has a smoke near a lamp post before hitting the hay with a pantiless call girl named Giselle. Of course, he’s dead broke by the next morning.
2. Rock n’ Roll Party: Oldies and Goodies
I can’t imagine any teen wanting to be seen with this album. Nor could I see any parent buying it for their kids since it may cause boys to do Riverdance and float as well as girls lose their shoes and have their dresses fly by. Then again, the designer was probably on LSD at the time.
Finally, an album for the teen rock fan given by the relatives who have no idea what rock music is and perhaps gave them the possible 1960s equivalent to a Kidz Bop album. Either that, or an album of rock n’ roll favorites not performed by the original artists. Still, a very corny cover.
3. Adolfo Waltzman and his Hula Hoopers: Hula Hoop!
I don’t know about you but hula hooping with no hands or neck is pretty impressive now that I think about it. And that guy is even using 3 of them.
Finally, an album containing music I can do the hula hoop with. Just what I needed (sarcasm).
4. Ernie Coombs: Mr. Dressup
Now this album is from a Canadian children’s show by the same name that ran from 1967 to 1996. It bears a lot of similarities to Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. Yet, from the look of Mr. Dressup’s face as he cheerfully saws his wooden plank, I sure don’t want to be in his “Neighborhood of Make-Believe.” Also, the puppets are terrifying.
“Hello, kids, and welcome to my workshop. Don’t mind me working with the saw I could possibly cut you to pieces with. Oh, and by the way, those toys are either soulless or demon possessed. I’m not sure which.”
5. Sin Alley Vol. 1
Also, this album seems to be subjected to the same kind of advertising treatment you’d apply to a strip club, brothel, or sex dungeon. Then again, this might’ve been the designer’s intention. Can’t wait to hear the one about Kermit having an Ultimate Fighting sex orgy with 3 boobed green women from Mars. Bet Miss Piggy’s going to be pissed.
Finally, an album with 18 rockabilly blasters pertaining to everything a young man between the ages of 13 to 30 would love such as sex, lust, fighting, Martians, more sex, and frogs?
6. Saxomaniac: Sax Sounds
“For the last fucking time, if I ever hear that God awful castrated Bebpop and Fusion shit that sound like what I hear when I get a root canal, then I’ll have to jump off a cliff! Oh, the horror! The horror!”
Looks like this woman is a waitress at some kind of high end cocktail lounge. I mean she obviously has heard enough smooth jazz music in a lifetime to drive her utterly screaming with her eardrums bleeding. It’s a real tragic case.
7. Argentina Coral: Cante Gitano
I know that this woman is photographed for the album art to look sexy with the apparent make up job. However, she just reminds me of a stern Italian woman who’s seething with rage after finding out her husband had slept with every other female in town, including her mother and sisters.
“All right, Mr. DeVille, I’m ready for my close up, even if you aren’t you no good son of a bitch.” Please don’t be a wax model of Amy Winehouse as if she would’ve been if she’d just go to rehab already. Sorry about that, Amy Winehouse fans.
8. Saventa Jovanovic: Lazno Je, Lazno, Sve Sto, Je Tvoje
This is from Yugoslavia, where I suppose the women had a different set of what I’d call, “grooming habits,” than in other countries during the 1960s. Of course, this would’ve just come off as just as another piece of tacky 1960s fashion but the Mrs. Bigfoot legs make it all the more memorable.
I’m sure sitting with her legs crossed in a short skirt won’t make it look like she’s like any other Eastern European with bad fashion sense.
9. Tozovac: Jeremija
Now I know many guys think that they’d look more badass being photographed near a humongous military tank. However, fellas, you might want to take note that having a big ass anti-aircraft gun between your legs, might make people think you’re insecure with your masculinity.
I suppose in the Eastern Bloc Era, it meant, “compensating for something” or “stop making fun of my penis.”
10. Don Costa’s Free Loaders: Music to Break a Sub-Lease
Seems like these people were evicted from their apartment while having a party. Looks like their jam party sessions have finally caught up to them that the landlord basically had to kick them out. That, and for not paying the rent of course.
Hey, poor and homeless people need music, too, even this album just play songs you’d hear on the discount rack albums you’d find at the dollar store.
11. The Tattoos: Pops Go Trumpet
Still, what’s with the double bells here. Looks freaky. Also, I wonder if a trumpeter needs to see a doctor if their trumpet’s erection lasts for more than 4 hours. Also, what do you give a trumpet suffering from erectile dysfunction? Or is that none of my business?
Seems like a naked woman would lead to any horny trumpeter sporting an erection both on their instrument and in their pants.
12. Electronic Music
My sister attends VCU as as a commercial art student and would be horrified if she ever saw any crap like this. Seriously, looks as if some cartoon character took a dump on it.
“A new concept of music, created by sonic vibrations” too bad the cover resembles something you’d find in a trash heap at a modern art museum. Seriously, what the hell is that supposed to be? Or do I just not understand the concept of “abstract” here?
13. Jack Fascinato: Music from a Surplus Store
What bugs me about this is that the woman on this album is obviously wealthy since she has a fur stole, something Audrey Hepburn would wear, and a guy to carry stuff she wants to buy. Not somebody I’d see at a surplus store. Then again, perhaps her husband lost a lot of money on Wall Street and is now in prison.
Or as I call it, either music that’s outdated or totally crap or music not available on a CD you can rip onto Windows Media Player. Also, nowadays music you hear from a surplus store isn’t what I’d call “a basketful of new sounds.” That would be iTunes.
14. Jack McDuff: Sophisticated Funk
Of course, it’s obvious that this one was made from 2 elbow patches and a cheap hotel lock. Still, contrary to what you know about the Middle Ages, most of such “medieval” artifact chastity belts turned out as fakes. More likely they were used as a 19th century device to keep boys from jerking off. Now they’re used in BDSM.
Featuring the latest model in chastity belt technology. For those paranoid husbands concerned about your nympho wife’s potential to cheat on you, this model comes with a keypad lock with its own code.
15. Vintage album from South Korea. Can’t read the Asian characters for the artist or title (possibly the soundtrack to Planet of the Apes).
Love to hear Charlton Heston say, “Keep your stinking music off me, you damn, dirty ape!” Still, despite being inordinately hairy, they seem to have impeccable fashion sense, especially the one with the pimp cane.
Strangely, after taking over Earth, the apes seemed to have a thriving music industry with the unfortunate side effect of producing just as crappy albums like their human predecessors from Planet of the Apes.
16. Lowell Mason an the Crusaders: Sing for God and Country
Of course, I know I’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to calling dwarfs “midgets” (though my dad’s more an offender) but despite it’s amusing connotation, people with dwarfism don’t like being called this. In fact, they consider “midget” as deeply offensive. Nevertheless, this guy seems to have the same poise as Peter Dinkledge from Game of Thrones.
Finally, a Christian album that celebrates man’s music while calling him by a very offensive term in the dwarfism community.
17. Mariachi Nuevo Tecalitan: Inolvidable El Charro del Misterioso Vol. 5
Another thing that disappointed me was the album featuring a woman holding a yellow rose and not seeing, “La Rosa Amarilla de Tejas” anywhere in the track listing. I mean, that would’ve been a perfect cover image for such a single.
Now this title translates from Spanish as “Unforgettable: The Mysterious Horseman Vol. 5” which is a perfectly good title. However, I know Mexico takes pride in their luchador wrestlers and their costumes, but that guy just seems less of a “mysterious manly man” and more of a “bank robber.” Let’s just say, I’d more likely make a deposit in my pants if I saw him near where I cash in my checks.
18. Sammy Davis Jr. and Peter Lawford: Soundtrack to Salt and Pepper: Super Spy Hippy
Hate to say this, but Sammy Davis Jr. looks totally like a gangster in this with his bling, leather jacket, smoking his cigarette, and wielding an AK-47 while Lawford seems asking for cash.
Watch out, Commies, here comes the super spy guy with the glass eye! And his British friend and onetime JFK brother-in-law, Peter Lawford. Must’ve been a movie that sucked. By the way, directed by the same guy who brought you Lethal Weapon.
19. Elsa Popping and her Pixieland Band: Delirium in Hi-Fi
Okay, this family seems to have a guy humping a couch, a dead woman behind a sofa, and a guy on the far left with headphones hooked up to a girl’s ass. Seems to make the Addams family look normal. Not only that, but even the dog has his own pair, but they’re hooked up to the record player. There’s even a cover of this in color with a space ship near Earth.
Yes, what kind of music to listen to on a lazy evening around the record player with the folks?
20. Slim Goodbody: The Inside Story
Before he joined SCTV and SNL where he achieved fame as Ed Grimely, Canadian comedian Martin Short was once a performer in an afro known as “Slim Goodbody” who’d make educational albums for kids on the human body, covering all parts but the reproductive system.
I’ve heard of body suits but this is overdoing. I mean it’s not that it shows too little. It just shows way too much. Comes with, “Special bonus full color activity poster and lyric sheet.” Ugh.
21. Ludwig: Zither Soloist
Of course, when I hear zither music, I think of Joseph Cotten on the streets of war torn Vienna trying to find out what happened to Orson Welles who’s been running a racket administrating diluted penicillin to sick children.
The therapist suggested role-playing, but Norma never understood Larry’s bare assed zither routine, especially in lederhosen.
22. Enoch Light: Spaced Out
I get that sex sells but I don’t see how a tin foil Babarella bikini could be any comfortable to say the least. Seriously, why?
Looks like the album cover has been taking the brown acid at Woodstock for far too long.
23. Various Artists: The Wild Sounds of Satan’s Sadists
Of course, this is a soundtrack from a biker movie from the 1960s which wasn’t Easy Rider an probably wasn’t as good. I’m not sure about the soundtrack though.
Okay, is it just me or do those red bikers guy seem to be peeing on smaller version of themselves?
24. Steve Karmen: Music to the Motion Picture What Do You Say to a Naked Lady?
From the San Diego Reader: “The 1970 film What Do You Say to a Naked Lady was actually a spin-off of the Candid Camera TV show, done by Allen Funt for adults only. Originally rated X (I have it on video), the movie catches people reacting in public to, well, a naked lady – how THAT translates to a RECORD ALBUM, only Satan’s Sadists can say….”
“Now Sally has lent her services to the medical school by exposing herself to the class on today’s lesson on female sexuality and the reproductive system. I expect all of you to be on your best behavior.”
25. Little Richard Miller: Jesus Use Me
Also, plays bass by the way. Still, are they also saying that he drives a tour bus, too? And if so, did he hit a fire hydrant or what? Not to mention, the Jesus picture in the corner just freaks me out.
I don’t know about you, but regardless of how inspirational they make it out to be, I just find the idea of a person playing keyboard with no limbs quite terrifying if you ask me.
26. Lionel Blair: Aerobic Dancing
Okay, well, I’ve seen my mom and sister watch aerobics videos and DVDs since I was a kid and that album cover reflects why I’d just avoid them like the plague whenever I could. Just let me go for a walk or bike ride, thank you very much. Still, Key and Peele did a great parody of the 1980s aerobic fitness craze in one of their sketches.
Nothing makes a typical 1980s aerobics album than a helmet haired guy with a goofy smile, tube socks, and horrendously short shorts many would consider hot pants. Also does aerobic instruction to the E. T. theme song, what the hell?
27. Bell: Do You Ever Get Lonely?
I’m sure this woman gets lonely a lot these days. Hardly anyone seems to understand the art of painting cow skulls for interior decorating. Seriously, what the hell? This is probably a country music album.
Let’s see a big haired 1980s woman in a model pose with a large colorful skull of a horned cow she might’ve slaughtered. Talk about having a twisted craft hobbies. Painting cow skulls is one of the creepiest.
28. The McDonald Sisters: I’ve Got Confidence
Sometimes confidence is a positive attribute. And sometimes it can be seriously misguided as in this case. Seriously, those pink dresses are hideous.
And I sure have confidence that having these girls take their picture in knitted pink dresses was probably not a good idea. I’m sure nobody behind the scenes shared their confidence because the title’s in quotes.
29. Heino: Heino
Okay, I don’t know about you, but I fear for the dogs’ safety if they had an owner like that. Still, since 1966, he’s been one of Germany’s most successful recording artists selling 50 million albums and still going strong. Also been married 3 times. He’s even creepier without his glasses. Still, he must have something since he’s put out a lot of albums with terrible covers.
Oh, creepy German Heino, I can never forget you in a post like this. Now this one shows him as an avid dog lover in his darkened shades with his 3 poodles. What can be more heartwarming than that?
30. Kimya Dawson and Friends: Alphabutt
Of course, this isn’t really a vintage album cover since ti came out in 2007. But I’m going to leave it in anyway since it’s just so freaky and hilarious. I don’t care what’s on the record. Just want to know how this cover was produced.
Nothing makes a great educational album for the kids than one that teaches the alphabet with animals farting the letters. Seems like the rabbit can rip out the most.
31. Ted Cassidy: The Lurch
From San Diego Reader: “I have to admit, I’m dying to hear this record! All Lurch did on the Addams Family TV show is grunt and mutter “You Rang?” in that gutteral Tom-Waits-on-Valium voice of his – WTF could possibly be on this record??? And b/w “Wesley”???” Perhaps he should do an album with Vin Diesel as Groot if he’s still alive. Probably not.
Oh, my God, I didn’t know Lurch had an album. Wonder if it’s just him singing with “You rang?” which is all he said on the show. Seriously, this might be worth hearing.
32. Lena Zavaroni: Ma! He’s Making Eyes at Me
I don’t know about you but it seems that this girl has some sort of demonic glint in her eyes. It’s as if she wants to take a knife and murder the audience once she’s done singing.
As if the title was creepy enough, she’s dressed like Barbie Benton and fellating the mic. Then again, maybe it’s just the lighting done to her stage mother’s designation.
33. Trever Daniels: Time Was
Then again, it’s probably just photoshop. Or that such keyboards are really that big but I highly doubt it since my grandparents used to own an organ like this before getting a synthesizer.
Is it just me or does that guy seem a bit too big to be on the organ?
34. The Scorpions: Moment of Glory
Now if she could have a tiara, it would be perfect. Still, at least the Scorpions have come a long way with cover design once featuring naked pre-adolescent girls and melting human flesh. Still, it’s as laughable as it’s terrible.
Now I could tell that this is a female Tyrannosaurus Rex since she’s all decked out in her regal jewels and finery. Thus, she’s a real Queen of the Tyrants, a Tyrannosaurus Regina if you will.
35. E’ Lei: I Cugini di Campagna
What’s even funnier is that 2 of these guys have afros and all have platform shoes on. Of course, since Italians love dressing in fine clothes, it’s probably no surprise that these polyester suits were made by some designer and didn’t come cheap.
Nothing says Italian disco than guys in silver jumpsuits and multicolored light beams.
36. Eddie Mack: Live at the Open Sandwich Club
Seriously, how could they get away with this in the 1960s? Still, seems that Eddie Mack has that stupid grin on his face as if he’s saying, “fanservice, simply fanservice.” Nevertheless, she’s probably there to give him a lap dance.
I suppose the Open Sandwich Club was a nudie bar as indicated by the naked woman on the piano.
37. Riot: Rock City
Of course, this is consistent with Riot’s environmental message concerning the welfare of baby seals. Be nice to them or else suffer a nuclear holocaust as well as axe murder to those who survive.
All right, I’m starting to get a little uneasy about the baby seal head guy. Seriously, despite his adorable face that makes your heart melt, he seems to show signs of being a psychopath.
38. Sir Adrian Bolt: The Planets
Sure Gustuv Holst was a classical composer. However, this cover just seems like it’s straight out of a bad movie from Syfy instead of something that would inspire people to contemplate the vastness of the solar system and the infinity of the universe. That or something you’d find in Neil Degrasse Tyson’s childhood record collection.
Or what you get when Flesh Gordon and Barbarella pose in a bad Buggles music video. Seriously, this would’ve made Gustuv Holst turn in his grave.
39. Bug Out! Vol. 1
Of course, at least the designer didn’t have a cover featuring a giant spider or ant. Still, I think it’s better that he didn’t feature a mating scene with praying manti. For those who know anything about that, you know what happens after manti sex.
With the giant praying mantis on the cover, how about no way in hell. Seriously, I don’t want to be a 10,000 ft praying mantis lunch.
40. Will Starr: This is Will Star ‘the Daddy of Them All’
And you thought Weird Al made polka albums dressed in very crazy attire? Well, Will Starr seems to surpass him in polka playing tackiness and he probably doesn’t even write novelty songs. Also, looks as if he’ll keep playing polkas with his accordion of death until you drop cold and lifeless on the floor. That or if your ears start bleeding.
Let’s see. Accordion? Check. Kilt? Check. Wearing sandals and socks? Check. Impassioned evil expression on his face? Check.
41. Baby Lu-Lu: Baby Lu-Lu
This is the kind of cover that would make someone want to smash people with a shovel until the state troopers show up to taze them to death. Oh, my God is Baby Lu-Lu supposed to be a dog? That makes me freak out even more.
Nothing makes a wholesome album for families than one featuring a blond haired woman in a red gingham dress and way too much hair spray loving her dogs to death. In the words of Elmira, “I’ll love them and squeeze them and keep them for ever and ever. Mwa ha ha ha ha.”
42. Yellowman: Walking Jewelry Store
Then again, saying he’s a walking jewelry store might be saying a bit much since the bling seems like it could be found in any low price store. Walking outlet maybe. Still, if he wasn’t black, I’d assume he’s spent way too much time in a tanning salon. Also, that hairstyle is horrendous.
I’m sure that album’s title is derived from one of Yellowman’s street names during his days as a gangbanger.
43. Enoch Light and the Light Brigade: The Best Movie Themes 1970
This family must have their own private theater and popcorn machine or something. Either that or they’re at a family friendly nudist camp with it’s own movie theater. I mean people who walk naked in public usually get arrested for indecent exposure even if it’s for jerking off in a porno theater.
Because the family that goes to the movies naked together stays together.
44. Bobby Jimmy and the Critters: Ugly Knuckle Butt
Still, despite that he’s wearing a white tennis outfit, the girls seem to find him sexy for some reason. Then again, they might be hookers or work other sectors in the adult entertainment industry.
Or as Bobby Jimmy said, “Oh, hell no, you’re naming my album that!”
45. Electronic Music to Blow Your Mind!
Then again, this might as well have been John Lennon’s mind on drugs while he was writing music within the Beatles’ psychedelic phase like Revolver, Sgt. Pepper, and Magical Mystery Tour.
From San Diego Reader: “Let’s draw someone who looks vaguely like John Lennon, and then spill some colored paint on the cover, and maybe people will think it’s a Beatles album!”
46. Ruben Vela: Mucho Tequila
I’m sorry but even most medical experts would say that a man can’t take that much alcohol at one time and not die of liver cirrhosis, let alone a woman. Seriously, get this senorita mexicana to a donce-step program pronto! God, how many bottles has she drank already?
I don’t know about you but I think this woman needs to check into rehab and AA meetings because I think she might have a drinking problem, at least.
47. Camilo Sesto: Entre Amigos
Boy, is my mom going to be green with envy with all the flourishing ivy around this guy. The ivy covering my house hasn’t been in the best shape these days since a lot of it died one winter.
From San Diego Reader: “Let’s get that photo I took of the pervert stalker hiding in the bushes and make it our album cover….”
48. Mrs. Miller: Mrs. Miller’s Greatest Hits
From San Diego Reader: “You laugh, but you should hear this soulful mama belting out “These Boots Were Made For Walking” and “Hard Day’s Night”! You’ll laugh even harder…” Still, looks pretty loaded by the expression on her face. Must sound quite horrible.
Basically the album with songs sung by that hard drinking and chain smoking middle aged woman you meet at a karaoke bar. Also, most of these songs are covers and it’s a greatest hits album? Seriously, why?
49. Ray Howard: The Cotton Pickin’ Lift Tower and Other Skiing Songs
Of course, a fall that high could break your neck. If not, then he’s probably suffered a serious spinal injury and probably will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Seriously, what were they thinking?
Looks like the first one killed him. If he’s in Colorado, probably died while high on weed. So remember, kids, never dare play music on a ski lift tower. It’s a very stupid thing to do. Look what happened to him.
50. Nester Shydlowsky and the Royal Polka Kings: Buying a Car Ukrainian Style
From San Diego Reader: “Where oh where to start – the guy’s giant pointy elf shoes? The mysterious brown liquid seeping out from between the girl’s legs and onto the floor? The Beep Beep poster with inexplicable ocean motif? The hemorroid donut mounted on a wall with garden trellis?” Yeah, you can find a lot of crazy things wrong with this. Seems like the dealership is short of a few janitors at the moment. The girl’s just for holding guitars and show, you know.
Basically this consists of bringing your accordion to the auto dealership, finding the car you want, and annoying the living shit out of the dealer so they could sell it to you at a bargain price. Try to go for a yellow one.