A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Somewhere (There’s a Place for Us)”

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Naturally, the Baudelaires are sad to see Quigley Quagmire out of their lives thanks to the rushing water from the ice Violet cracked open with a breadknife. But Violet takes it especially hard since she was quite fond of him and might’ve even kissed him on the mountain. Of course, she was only with him for a couple of days. Yet, the Baudelaires really don’t have much opportunity to form relationships with people close to their age, especially in this case. Anyway, Sunny and Klaus try to reassure her, saying that Quigley will be all right and the meeting at Hotel Denouement. But as for now, they’re not sure where the Stricken Stream is taking them or whether they’ll see their friend ever again.

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The song I went with is “Somewhere (There’s a Place for Us)” from West Side Story, in which Tony and Maria are imagining a better world where they can live in peace. Though to be fair, Tony did kill her brother Bernardo in a rage after he knifed Riff. Yet, that doesn’t matter to her. Unfortunately, Chino kills Tony in the end. In this version, I have a brokenhearted Violet lament Quigley’s disappearance being swept away from her by a frozen stream.

 

“Somewhere (There’s a Place for Us)”

Sung by Violet Baudelaire

There’s a place for us,
Somewhere a place for us.
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
Somewhere.

There’s a time for us,
Some day a time for us,
Time together with time spare,
Time to learn, time to care,
Some day!

Somewhere.
We’ll find a new way of living,
We’ll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere . . .

There’s a place for us,
A time and place for us.
Hold my hand and I can pull you here.
Hold my hand and we’ll both go there.
Somehow,
Some day,
Somewhere!

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A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Getaway”

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Realizing they’re outnumbered, the Baudelaires and Quigley hop on the toboggan and take off down the slope. They know that Count Olaf will be after them but his car has a flat tire. But the steering mechanism breaks while the sled’s quickly heading to the pit the older children dug for Esme. So Violet sticks the breadknife on her into the ice crack the springpole made, which widens it. But this lets in a rush of water, separating the Baudelaires from Quigley with them going one way and him going another. He tries telling his friends to meet him but is cut off as he disappears. This naturally devastates the Baudelaires, Violet especially.

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The song I went with Earth, Wind, and Fire’s “Getaway,” which is about trying to get away from the toxic world surrounding oneself. In this version, I have the Baudelaires escaping Mount Fraught and getting separated from Quigley.

 

“Getaway” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire and Quigley Quagmire

Klaus:
Let’s hop on the sled
And let’s slide down the mountain
Olaf will follow our toboggan
At least Vi accidentally gave him
A flat tire
And there’s no Goodyear around here

So come, take me by the hand,
We’ll leave this troubled land
I know we can, I know we can, I know we can, I know we can
Getaway

Quigley:
Watch for the signs
That lead in the right direction
Guess we broke the steering mechanism
Our trap’s all the way down
To the bottom of the mountain
Guess our crampons will do the slowing

Violet:
So come, take me by the hand,
We’ll leave this troubled land
I know we can getaway
Getaway

It won’t be enough
To slow the sled we’re all going
Use the bread knife, get crack open
Oh, Jesus Christ, we’ve all just lost Quigley
In the rushing water, oh, please shoot me

Quigley:
So come, take me by the hand,
We’ll leave this troubled land
Vi, wait for me, Vi, wait for me, Vi, wait for me, Vi, wait for me at–
Getaway

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Dance Round the Springpole”

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As soon as the elder Baudelaires and Quigley demand Sunny Baudelaire from Count Olaf, he asks what made them think that he’d just hand her over. Violet answers that she knows where the Sugar Bowl is even though she totally doesn’t. So Olaf demands that they give it to him. But Violet’s not telling anything until she has Sunny, leading Olaf threatening to throw the masked teens off the mountain if they don’t give him the Sugar Bowl. Klaus points out that won’t solve anything. Anyway, Count Olaf and Esme have an argument since he needs Sunny for the Baudelaire fortune while she wants the Sugar Bowl. Meanwhile, the ominous newcomers break up their fight and order the White-Faced Women bring Sunny out. Meanwhile, the menacing figures blow their whistles to summon hundreds of eagles with nets to trap the Snow Scouts as new recruits before burning their parents’ homes and seizing their fortunes. And as Violet is trying to negotiate with Count Olaf, the Snow Scouts arrive for the False Spring celebration. Violet and Klaus try to warn Bruce but Olaf tells him to ignore the masked volunteers, which Bruce is dumb enough to comply. After Carmelita tells Violet, Klaus, and Quigley to remove their masks, Olaf is shocked since he believed the elder Baudelaires were dead. He then tells the White-Faced Women to throw Sunny off the mountain, which they refuse and tell him where to stick it. So Olaf decides to it himself, but Sunny shows up and it’s found she used an eggplant as a decoy. Violet and Klaus warn Carmelita that Olaf’s bad but she jams a pole into the ice forming a crack as the scouts start dancing. Naturally the eagles come after them, trap those kids in nets, and carry them off along with most of Olaf’s henchmen sans Esme. Speaking of Esme, she offers to take in the monumental brat which she accepts.

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The song I selected is “A New Argentina” from Evita due to its dramatics. In the original version, Evita helps her husband rise to the presidency of Argentina both in public and in private. In this version, I have Violet, Klaus, and Quigley try to bargain with Count Olaf as the Snow Scouts show up.

 

“Dance Round the Springpole”

Violet:
Hello Olaf, we’re atop Mount Fraught
We demand you give to Sunny Baudelaire
For we know where to locate
The Sugar Bowl’s current place
Give her now and we’ll show you where

Count Olaf:
What makes you think that I’d give her up
If you know the Sugar Bowl’s whereabouts
The why don’t you just cough it up
Else I might throw you off Mount Fraught
Now just give it out

Klaus:
Throwing us won’t solve anything
Nor will it give you the Sugar Bowl

Esme:
Can’t you just hand Sunny out to them
Since the Sugar Bowl is more crucial

Count Olaf:
She’s an heiress, Esme
We need her or we’ll never get paid

Man with Beard but No Hair:
For God’s sake we could be foolish arguing while we’re ahead
Pale faced women, bring her to us, then we’ll talk

Woman with Hair but No Beard:
Blow the whistle, get the eagles, they’ll come in the hundreds
Since the schism, our foes have most animals

Count Olaf:
Eagles have these giant nets
They’ll capture the kid Snow Scouts, they’ll join us
As our prisoners to our own extent
While we burn their folks’ houses down

Snow Scouts:
We dance round the springpole, for crowning our False Spring Queen
We dance round the springpole, to hail Carmelita
A queen you’ve never seen

Violet:
We’ll tell you about the Sugar Bowl while we take Sunny away
Though we’ll meet volunteers to dish out your plans at the last safe place
It’s downhill, at the bottom
To find it, climb down Mount Fraught
Please guys, heed to what I now say!

Snow Scouts:
Dance round the springpole, our False Spring dancing song
Dance round the springpole, the song of the Snow Scouts
Rings out loud and long

Klaus:
For God’s sake, Uncle Bruce, you’re walking into a trap
These evil guys plan to capture your Snow Scouts into their ranks
They will hurt them, kill their parents, still their fortunes
Please, sir, you take it from me

Bruce:
Dance round the springpole, as we observe our False Spring

Bruce and Snow Scouts:
Dance round the springpole, we celebrate together
And no sad face within

Count Olaf:
Don’t pay attention to these three strangers wearing masks

Carmelita:
It’s my party, there’s no snow gnats, take them off

Quigley:
If you insist

Violet:
We’ll remove them

Count Olaf:
Didn’t we kill you
At the pass?
Ladies, if you please
Go and throw the baby off

White-Faced Women:
Shove it, Olaf, we won’t throw her, and you can kiss our ass
We are leaving, so just throw her off yourself
We had a sister, died in fire, and we’re fed up with your crass
Goodbye Olaf, but we’d rather see you rot in hell

Count Olaf:
Well, fuck you, I’ll throw her off myself,
Shit, she put an eggplant in the dish instead

Violet and Klaus:
Count Olaf is pure evil and he’s a grave danger at that

Carmelita:
I’m False Spring Queen, get the pole in, cakesniffing brats
It’s my party, don’t you spoil it
We don’t have time for all your shit
Can’t you just shut up for me?

Snow Scouts:
We dance round the springpole, for crowning our False Spring Queen
We dance round the springpole, to hail Carmelita
On Mount Fraught’s highest peak

Man with Beard but No Hair:
C’mon, eagles, get the Snow Scouts, grab the nets before you fly
And Olaf, get the Sugar Bowl in your hands

Woman with Hair but No Beard:
We’ll meet again at the last safe place, at sometime
While our eagles catch Hector and Quagmires

Esme:
As to the three young Baudelaires
I find hard on which one to spare
An infant servant is quite enjoyable
But it’d be a lot of fun smashing Klaus’s glasses
Watching him bumping into things
But we’ve got more important key goals
Like obtaining the Sugar Bowl

How about we can take this girl along
She’s all so cute and all so smart
She can be our daughter

Snow Scouts:
We dance round the springpole, for crowning our False Spring Queen
We dance round the springpole, but all the eagles got us
We won’t know where we’ll ever again be seen.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”

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Violet eventually decides that she’s going up to Mount Fraught and talk to Count Olaf himself to get Sunny. Sure it’s kind of outlandish and unlikely to work out but she’s just planning to get to the peak and intends to figure what to do once the 4 get there. Luckily Esme hasn’t figured how to get there to the surprise of no one. Though Quigley says that Violet will invent a way without saying her name. And invent Violet does by saying how they can still used the forked shoes. Esme gets on the toboggan as the children pull it all the way up the frozen waterfall as she calls, “Mush!” to go faster. At the top, they find Count Olaf waiting with his two mysterious friends and Esme having to break that they missed a few volunteers.

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For the song, I had to include Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell’s duet “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough,” which is about how the couple will always be there for each other no matter what the circumstance. And for God’s sake, since this book is focused on a mountain, I had to include it somehow. In this version, I have Violet and Klaus sing this to Esme about their sister.

 

“Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Listen, Esme
Ain’t no mountain high
Ain’t no valley low
Ain’t no river wide enough, Esme

I’ll climb up and ask Olaf
To get young little Sunny back
No matter how far (don’t worry, Sunny)
I just climb up
I’ll be there in a hurry
She don’t have to worry
Cause you know there

Violet and Klaus:
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to Sunny

Violet:
We’ll climb the falls
With my forked shoes
We’ll pull your sleigh and see the climbing through
Do not expect an easy climb
But we’ll get you up there
Some way, some how
Cause you know there

Violet and Klaus:
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to Sunny

Violet:
Oh no, Esme

No wind, no rain
Nor winter storm
Can’t stop us to her

Klaus:
No no, Esme

Cause she is with us

If she’s ever in trouble
We’ll be there on the double
We’ll climb for her

Yes, Esme!

Violet:
We want her alive
If you break her heart
I’ll go after and tear you apart

If she ever needs a helping hand
I’ll be there on the double
Just as fast as I can

Don’t you know that there…

Violet and Klaus:
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no river wide enough
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Fall Into a Hole”

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Just as Esme reaches the bottom, Violet grabs a mask, steps forward, and warns her that she’s about to walk into a trap. When Esme asks who she is, she tells the woman that she’s a volunteer. This comes a bit of surprise to Esme thinking that there were no other volunteers at V.F.D. headquarter ruins. But Klaus grabs a mask to point out that V.F.D. doesn’t need headquarters to survive because another generation will always step in for the battle against evil. Though Esme steps forward to threaten the kids, Quigley dons his mask, telling her that if she steps in, she’ll fall into a trap. And if she does, they can’t feel bad because they did everything they could to warn her. But Esme doesn’t fall, she does uncover the trap and congratulates them on doing a good villainous job. The children then break to explain they planned to train her for Sunny, prompting a moral debate over the “greater good” and a slew of insults.

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Once again, I turn to Steely Dan with “Fire in the Hole,” taking its title American soldiers used during the Vietnam War and alludes to how many students evaded the draft during that time (Walter Becker and Donald Fagen included). In this version, the elder Baudelaires and Quigley warn Esme not to fall in the trap they set for her.

 

“Fall Into a Hole”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire and Quigley Quagmire

Violet:
Hold on here
I’m a volunteer
You might find that surprising
Please stand back
It’s a trap
Unless you want to be inside
A woman’s voice reminds me
To serve and not to speak
So I kindly ask you to retreat

Please don’t go
And fall into the hole
And nothing left to burn
You might as climb up now
There’s nowhere left to turn

Klaus:
Base is burned
But we have learned
That we don’t need a headquarters
Net gen nigh
To stand and fight
Against the evils that you concur

Quigley:
Don’t approach any closer
And heed me as I warn
Don’t say we didn’t caution you before

Please don’t go
And fall into the hole
And nothing left to burn
You might as climb up now
There’s nowhere left to turn

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “What Have We Done?”

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But as Esme is on her way down the frozen waterfall, the elder Baudelaires and Quigley begin to have second thoughts. Quigley realizes the smoke is driving away the snow gnats which will starve the salmon and the eagles. After having her memory triggered by a line on the V.F.D. Library sign, Violet decides that the whole plan is a mistake. Because if V.F.D. is a fire fighting organization, then fighting fire with fire will only put the whole world in smoke. Klaus later concurs that the hole is an abyss, which makes it monstrous. So now they have to come up with a backup plan and quick.

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I decided to go back to Les Miserables with “Valjean’s Soliliquy” in which Jean Valjean is instantly regretting stealing the bishop’s silver but is struck by the man’s kindness. Because he was put in prison for years over stealing a loaf of bread and that nobody treated him like a human being. In this version, the elder Baudelaires and Quigley have second thoughts and decided to scrap the plan to trap Esme.

 

“What Have We Done?”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire and Quigley Quagmire

Violet:
What have we done?
Sweet Jesus, what have we done?

Quigley:
The smoke has scared gnats
So there won’t be salmon
The eagles will die
They’ll have nothing to eat

Klaus:
“The world is quiet here” under V.F.D.’s library

Violet:
I vaguely remember that I heard it before
Our parents sang it to me before Klaus was born

If there’s another way to go
Since this is the only plan we know
We need backup and we need it right now
To save Sunny but I don’t really see how
Since Count Olaf took her and left us for dead
Just to steal all of our wealth and bread

I think we made a big mistake
If we know what V.F.D. stands for
As it’s Volunteer Fire Department
That fight out fires
They do not start them
Trapping Esme’s so insane
It is not right
We don’t want to be like Olaf
Or descend to his evil heights

Take an eye for an eye!
Set the world up in smoke!
If we fight fire with fire!
Then V.F.D. is a joke!

Klaus:
I think we have built a dark abyss
And that is something monstrous
This brings us to a dilemma
Do we go ahead with a bad plan
For God’s sake we have souls!
What do we know?
Is there another way to save Sunny?
Is there another way to go?

Quigley:
She is coming down quite fast
We must think up something quick
If you don’t think this is right
Give us some alternative

Violet:
Let us take up a fencing mask
And prevent her falling in
Tell she’ll walk into a trap
So we won’t fall into sin

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Bitchy Woman”

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While Count Olaf suggests that Esme send Sunny for the green cigarette she craves, she doesn’t really trust the youngest Baudelaire. But he’s nonetheless excited to see the Hotel Denouement in flames. Even so, he doesn’t allow Sunny to see his preparations so he sends her back to the casserole dish in his car. Nonetheless, the show highly hints that aside from the freaks, Olaf’s henchmen don’t really seem to care about her. Hell, the Hook-Handed Man even calls her “Yoko” at one point in reference to the prolific scapegoat of the Beatles breakup.

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The song I chose here is the Eagles’ “Witchy Woman.” The original version is about a very seductive but dangerous woman any guy with common sense should stay away from. In this version, I have Count Olaf talk about Esme as she’s making her descent while the troupe members complain about her.

 

“Bitchy Woman”

Sung by Count Olaf and his Troupe

 

Count Olaf:
Raven hair and ruby lips
Got to get her green stick fix
Sunny could just as well descend
But she doesn’t trust her and hops in a sled

Troupe:
Woo hoo bitchy woman,
Sledding down Mount Fraught
Woo hoo bitchy woman
Though she’s more of a cunt

Count Olaf:
She lives for fashion with her styles
Quite vivacious as she is vile
Though she shot down what I suggest
As she’s riding the toboggan for a green cigarette

Troupe:
Woo hoo bitchy woman,
Sledding down Mount Fraught
Woo hoo bitchy woman
Though she’s more of a cunt

Count Olaf:
I know that you don’t like her
Think she’s quite a bother
As she’s sleeping in the Devil’s bed

Well, she’s my girl sleeping in my tent
So if you cross her yet
She can rock you in the nighttime
‘Til your skin turns red

Troupe:
Woo hoo bitchy woman,
Sledding down Mount Fraught
Woo hoo bitchy woman
Though she’s more of a cunt