Fall in Love with These Valentine’s Day Craft Projects (Third Edition)

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When you go into a public place on Valentine’s Day, you’ll find plenty of red, white, and pink heart decorations. This is especially the case in elementary schools where you have children making their own valentine boxes and decorations in art class. Nevertheless, Valentine’s Day can be a holiday some people can go crazy for. Or a holiday people either dread or don’t particularly care about. Yet, any Valentine’s Day die-hard can find plenty of decorations, candy, and other things. But those with a creative streak might prefer to make their own. And you’ll find a lot of examples of such creations on Pinterest or Etsy. Of course, most of the craft projects you’ll see are meant for children. But there are plenty of V-Day crafts for adults. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another collection of Valentine’s Day craft projects for all to love.

  1. Keep your sweets in this candy dispenser.

Well, these have a larger ball on top than the ones I previously shown. But you can put plenty of chocolates in them.

2. Dress your table with this Valentine heart runner.

Contains 3 quilting squares with hearts and flowers. Great for any V-Day home.

3. Greet your guests with this pink rag wreath for Valentine’s Day.

Contains a metal heart in the center. Still, got to love the rags on this one.

4. You can always start a conversation with these hearts on your lawn.

Though to be fair, they can be quite annoying after awhile. But it’s nonetheless a creative set up.

5. May I enchant you with this heart of felt flowers?

Has a tulle bow at the front for additional charm. A wreath for anyone to love on V-Day.

6. Perhaps a wooden heart and arrow might suit you.

So if you’re not a wreath fan, you can always go with this. And if you’re into the whimsy, this is for you.

7. Grace your front door this V-Day with this decomesh heart wreath.

Decomesh on the outside and shiny on the inside. Comes with a polka dot ribbon, by the way.

8. Curl up with your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day with this heart pillow.

I guess this is pink on the other side. But you don’t need to sew this one.

9. You can split this Hershey’s Kiss.

Though you can’t eat this one. Mostly because it’s made out of wood. But it’s quite adorable.

10. You can make a wreath with plenty of small berry branches.

Well, this has longer branches than the previous wreath like this I showed. But it’s quite beautiful with a white bow.

11. Anyone would adore a lacy heart doily.

You can put almost anything on this. Except anything that could damage it. Still, it’s quite lovely.

12. You can’t go wrong greeting your valentine with this Cupid wreath.

Well, Cupid here has a heart and is made out of wood. Also, wreath is decorated with fine red ribbons.

13. You can always start a conversation with these hearts.

These are made out of felt with embroidered inscriptions. Great for coasters.

14. Keep yourself warm this V-Day with this quilt of hearts.

These hearts seem like real patchworks. And each one is unique in its own way.

15. Got red ornaments? Make a red heart out of them.

You can see that one of the ornaments was used for a Christmas tree. But some of these are in silver.

16. You’ll find a heart inside this V-Day wreath.

You’ll also find plenty of flowers on it. Great for greeting visitors at your front door.

17. You can always spell out love in blocks.

Each of these blocks is in a different pattern. But “love” is spelled in red letter and a heart.

18. You’ll find that this heart wreath is all ribbons.

Uses ribbons of red, white, and pink. And they take all kindes of patterns.

19. Grace your V-Day table with this berry candle display.

Well, it’s a berry wreath and candle on a doily and red cloth. Great for that romantic candlelight dinner.

20. Sometimes a simple red wreath will do.

Contains flowers and hanging hearts. Otherwise, you wouldn’t know this is a V-Day wreath.

21. Doesn’t hurt to express love with blocks.

Sayings are “love,” “kiss,” and “be mine.” And they’re all painted in red, pink, and white.

22. This V-Day doll comes with her own pocket.

She seems rather cozy in her felt heart pocket. Like she’s in a sleeping bag.

23. You can always hang these hearts on your front door.

This just consists of a V-Day ribbon in a bow along with a few hearts. And yes, it gives a lovely impression.

24. With these candle wraps, you can make any V-Day candle look sweet.

These consist of string wrapped around a candle with a red heart. Great for any romantic evening. Though I’m not sure if you should light these.

25. You can express your love in unique ways with this pallet.

the letters are all in wood pieces. And you’ll find the heart in parts as well.

26. Express your love on Valentine’s Day with this floral heart wreath.

Contains many types of flowers that are white, red, and pink. The twigs on this are also amazing.

27.  It’s easy to please with this pink heart bouquet.

Well, they’re mostly pink roses. But it makes a wonderful centerpiece for a V-Day table.

28. You’ll find all kinds of hearts on this mobile.

And they’re in all kinds of colors and patterns. Keep out of reach of small children and animals.

29. For the sporty types, check out these lovely baseballs.

Yes, these are V-Day baseballs. And each one has a red heart. Perfect for some boys.

30. This flaming heart table is burning for love.

This is made out of wood with fire coming from the surface. The heart makes up the base.

31. There are a couple hearts in this golden frame.

Since two hearts always beat as one. Still, the frame is quite fancy with a red bow.

32. If you don’t like a wreath, how about this heart decoration?

Contains hearts and ribbons. Lovely for any door on V-Day.

33. A bouquet like this can warm anyone’s heart.

Since it depicts a flower arrangement in a heart shape. And in mostly pink flowers, too.

34. Nothing says Valentine’s like the message on this red pallet.

It has “Love” etched in white letters. The heart replaces “o” of course.

35. For a more naturalistic display, try a red pinecone wreath.

Well, red pinecones certainly have a rather stunning effect. Wonderful in any rustic place.

36. You’ll find a lot of hearts all over this grapevine wreath.

They’re all shapes and sizes in white, red, and pink. And it’s touched with a red gingham bow.

37. This festive V-Day centerpiece will warm your heart.

It’s mostly ribbons and decomesh on the bottom. Yet, you see plenty of hearts and berries sticking out.

38. Your valentine might fall for this V-Day bottle lamp.

This one is decorated with hearts and says, “be my love.” Isn’t that sweet?

39. A heart wreath like this can bring out anyone’s wild side.

Now I’m not a big fan of animal prints which I see as tacky. But this is quite unique.

40. You’ll feel warm and fuzzy with this pom pom wreath.

Well, this consists of cyan and blue pom poms besides red. But as long as it’s a heart, it goes on the post.

41. Cuddle up on a couch with your loved one with this hugs and kisses pillow.

Well, they’re marked with “xoxo” which nobody uses anymore. And in red against a pink pattern, too.

42. Put your valentines on this “forget me not” board.

You can even use heart shaped push pins. But it’s nonetheless amazing for any wall.

43. A decomesh V-Day candle holder is perfect for any V-Day table.

Decorated with red hearts, flowers, and bows. Make sure the candle holder is glass.

44. Perhaps this V-Day tree may suit your fancy.

Apparently, trees aren’t just for Christmas. Contains hearts and baubles among pink foliage.

45. You’ll find a few hearts in this burlap sack.

Contains 3 hearts against a plank of wood. Brings in a certain rustic charm so to speak.

46. Care for a crocheted rose?

Well, a crocheted rose with a silk and wire stem and leaves. Not sure if I want to tango with this.

47. A V-Day centerpiece vase can be as elaborate as you want it to be.

This bouquet is on a tiered serving tree. And it’s decorated with heart ornaments. So pretty.

48. How about a V-Day bouquet with gum balls?

Well, the gum balls are inside the vase. And the flowers are touched with red hearts. Perfect V-Day centerpiece.

49. Snuggle with your sweetheart with this striped heart pillow.

Though the heart doesn’t exactly seem symmetrical, it hardly matters. Still, the stripes go well.

50. Welcome your V-Day guests with this yarn heart wreath.

Decorated with red, pink, and white flowers. Perfect for any front door on Valentine’s Day. Love it.

51. Got an urn? Put some angels on it.

This one has the word “love” in gold as well as flowers. Kind of morbid but charming.

52. A Valentine’s Day tree should have two hearts on the top.

So you don’t necessarily need to put away your Christmas tree. Just make it into a V-Day tree.

53. Speaking of trees, check this one of pink roses.

Sure they’re made from tissue paper. And it’s tied with a bow for a more decorative touch.

54. You can find a lot of hearts within this picture frame.

The fancy frame is painted white. There are 20 shiny hearts crammed inside. Pretty.

55. Try to stick pins into this heart.

It’s a felt heart pin cushion, obviously. And you can stick as many pins as you want in it.

56. You’ll start a conversation with this wreath.

Well, at least this puts those candy hearts to good use. Since they usually taste like sugar and chalk.

57. Keep warm this V-Day with this big-hearted quilt.

You can see it’s made out of all kind of red, white, and pink cloth strips. And yes, the heart looks quite amazing.

58. Perhaps a lovely close pin wreath is just as sweet.

Well, this seems like a doable project. Just make sure you find a place that sells red, white, and pink clothespins.

59. Maybe you’d prefer two heart wreaths beating as one.

Both of these have matching bows and flowers. Yet, one is smaller than the other.

60. Perhaps you might prefer a heart on a stick.

Each one is in a different color and pattern. But they’re all held up by skewers.

61. Grace your Valentine’s Day table with this tulip and jelly bean bouquet.

Though tulips don’t bloom until the spring. Then again, roses don’t bloom until summer.

62. A Cupid basket makes a magnificent Valentine’s Day centerpiece.

Cupid is in a shiny gold paint. There are also plenty of beads and cards for a vintage feel.

63. You’ll find love on these coat hooks.

Consists of “love” in big red letters. And they’re all strapped on burlap over a set of hooks.

64. How about a bouquet with marshmallow and candy hearts?

Because you can’t eat either of them. One is inedible sugar covered marshmallow. The other is a chalk heart.

65. Show your love this V-Day with this wreath of pink silk.

Well, it’s certainly in the Valentine’s Day spirit. And it’s quite shiny for all to behold.

66. Anyone would fall in love with these two sweethearts.

Sweethearts, get it? And yes, the blue one is supposed to be a guy with his bow tie.

67. Perhaps a heart centerpiece of flowers may suit you.

This one has bouquets of flowers around some candles. Bet this display looks amazing when lit.

68. On a cold night, you don’t want to do without this Valentine’s Day quilt.

Well, this one is said to have a vintage inspiration. Nevertheless, it’s quite a magnificent sight.

69. Anyone would want to hang this crocheted wreath on their front door.

Yes, all the flowers are crocheted on this. And they come in all kinds. Lovely.

70. How about a V-Day tree on your kitchen counter?

Too bad I can’t do this to my sister’s Christmas tree. Nevertheless, it’s decked with streamers and baubles.

71. This bejeweled crocheted bunny will melt your heart.

Has a bejeweled heart on its head and back. Nonetheless, you’d fall in love with this adorable amigurumi.

72. Cuddle up with this plush Cupid.

Yes, he’s naked. And I’m sure he’s made with no junk. Since he’s meant for children.

73. Perhaps you might prefer these fancy hearts.

Most of these hearts are red. But many have rather interesting patterns.

74. You’ll find red hearts all around this wreath.

It’s a grapevine wreath with hearts of all sizes. And they’re quite sparkly, too.

75. Light up the night with these heart lights.

Seems like all of these are made of paper and wire. Still, these look amazing.

76. Any little girl would love this crocheted V-Day doll.

She’s wearing red and has a heart balloon. Even the string is in the shape of a heart.

77. Anyone would find this plush cup of chocolate hot.

Includes a cookie and marshmallows. And yes, they’re all smiling and adorable.

78. These felt hearts will bring a smile to anyone’s face.

Each heart is in a different configuration. On the bottom you’ll find a jingle. What it’s for, I don’t know.

79. A red tulle heart wreath will certainly shimmer.

Is hung with a red ribbon. Has jewels all over the tulle. Lovely.

80. Get a load of pink on this tree.

Yes, you have a lot of pink streamers on this tree along with lights. And yes, it’s absolutely stunning.

81. A red wreath can always do with some ribbons.

This one has a burlap and polka dot ribbon around it. Includes a couple of hearts.

82. There’s so much to love with these two koalas.

Here we have them holding a heart on top of hearts and under an arch. Awwww.

83. Seems like an arrow has struck through this wreath.

Well, a golden arrow on top of the wreath, anyway. By the way, wreath is decked with felt roses.

84. Nobody can resist these two love bugs.

Here they are enjoying a cup of coffee. The guy is blue. The girl is pink with a heart on her torso. Cute.

85. There’s nothing more to love on Valentine’s Day like these cushions.

These come in all shapes and sizes in red and white. And they’re all arranged in a heart.

86. Put valentine’s into this crocheted box.

You can guess this is for a child. But it’s mostly a cover for a cardboard box.

87. You’ll find plenty of flowers on this yarn V-Day wreath.

Flowers are gray, red, and pink. Lovely to put on any front door. So pretty.

88. What would Valentine’s Day be without this Hershey’s kiss?

This has the “xoxo” on the paper. Still, you’d want to give this little guy a kiss any day.

89. Protect your hands in the kitchen with these V-Day potholders.

Each of these has a red heart in the center. Though I’m not sure if I’d want to put burn marks on these.

90. Let your little one pass the time with Cupid’s tic-tac-toe.

It’s a crocheted game with circles and hearts instead of x’s and o’s. Squares are in two shades of pink.

91. Curl up on a cold winter night with this Valentine’s Day quilt.

This one has 4 red hearts directed at the center. And the border is all flowers.

92. Care for a feather on a V-Day wreath?

This is a pink yarn wreath with a feather and the word “love” on it. Got to admire this creation.

93. You can’t go wrong on Valentine’s Day with these heart doilies.

Each one of these is in a different color. But together, they make a grand design.

94. Perhaps a Valentine’s Day tree quilt may suit your fancy.

This is a pink quilt with a patchwork and heart border. Still, the tree is incredibly magnificent to see.

95. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day like these crocheted hearts.

Each one of these comes in a different color. But you can put them all in a circle.

96. Make your home shine with this wooden hanging of hearts.

The hearts are made from wood. And they’re all topped with red and polka dot bows.

97. Share the love in your home with this floral Valentine’s Day heart wreath.

It’s decked with red and white flowers and foliage. The red ribbons add an extra touch.

98. You’d want to snuggle with this Valentine’s Day panda.

Comes with a heart on a stick and on its chest. At any rate, this will melt your heart with its big beady eyes.

99. All these red bears want is your love.

This is crocheted as these bears hold felt hearts. Love the bows on their ears.

100. Spend this Valentine’s Day snuggling with this monkey.

Here is a crocheted monkey hugging a felt heart. And yes, it’s incredibly adorable. So sweet.

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Be Mine With These Valentine’s Day Treats (Fourth Edition)

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Of course, you can’t have a Valentine’s Day without treats. Yes, I know plenty of people give their loved ones boxes of chocolates. But sometimes you really don’t know what you’ll get from them. Still, wherever you go, you’ll find plenty of treats with hearts and lot of pink. Or at least have such packaging if you look at a pack of Hershey’s Kisses at the store. And yes, you might have the occasional Valentine’s Day party. As you can see above, everything you see here is in red, white, and pink as well as contains hearts to represent love. I know many people might find such displays as sickeningly sweet. But since Valentine’s Day generates great profits than any midwinter holiday, I can’t really avoid it. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of Valentine’s Day treats for all to love.

  1. Treat your sweetheart to these cheesecake squares.
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Each one of these is covered with a cheery layer and a heart. And yes, they’re quite small as far as I can see.

2. Care for some hearty pasta dish?

This one includes meatballs, cheese, and pepperoni hearts. Perfect for a romantic candle light dinner.

3. Anyone could love this cookie arrangement.

Yes, this cookie dish is professionally made. Includes hearts and flowers.

4. These cookies are especially kissy.

Well, they have imprints of lip kisses on the icing. A fine addition to any dessert platter.

5. The best kind of candy box is one you can eat.

Even better, it contains M&Ms inside. Covered in red or pink icing and flowers.

6. There’s nothing sweeter than these sugar coated marshmallow pops.

Each of these is dipped in sugar with hearts on top. Come in red and pink.

7. Get a bite out of these V-Day cake pops.

Each of these is covered in white and red icing. Contains stripes, sprinkles, and heart.

8. You’d be mad to resist these hearty red velvet cakes.

These are stacked and decorated with pink icing. And you can put them in 4s.

9. These heart pizzas are especially cheesy.

Well, they do have tomato sauce and cheese on them. Basically the minimum ingredients you need for a pizza.

10. You can’t find anything sweeter like these pink heart cakes.

Each of these is uniquely decorated after being dipped in pink icing. Perfect for a sweeter dessert platter.

11. I’m sure any guy would fall for these cookies.

Kind of on the raunchy side. But hey, Valentine’s gifts for men are hard to come by.

12. Treat your sweetheart to some heart sushi.

Make sure you keep the parts together. And as long as you use vinegrated rice and seaweed.

13. Grace your dessert platter with a heart cake covered in roses.

Has an icing ribbon tied in a bow across. Oh, and the roses are pink.

14. A heart cake should always have roses around it.

Well, they’re covered in icing red roses. So feel free to put on any message you wish.

15. Wake up this Valentine’s Day to some heart mini-waffles.

Helps if they have heart shaped butter wads and syrup all over them. Part of a balanced breakfast.

16. Anyone would love these cheesecake heart brownies.

Contains red velvet cake. Because since it’s for Valentine’s Day so red is essential.

17. Perhaps you might go for a heart cake with raspberries.

This one has raspberries and icing between the layers. And it’s decorated with a chocolate heart.

18. Wow your V-Day guests with this appetize tray.

Yes, these are shaped with hearts. But the biggest one contains cherry tomatoes.

19. Perhaps you and your sweetheart might enjoy these His and Her heart cookies.

The men cookies have a distinctive mustache. The women cookies have kissy lips and a mole.

20. Your sweetheart will fall in love with this Valentine’s cookie house.

Well, it seems quite colorful for a V-Day house. But I sure love the roof decor.

21. For your Valentine’s Day lunch, may I suggest a PB&J?

Just includes peanut butter, bread, and jelly. Oh, and you might need to cut out a heart on top.

22. You’ll find this cake covered in hugs and kisses.

Though they’re represented with x’s and o’s. But you have to love the decorations.

23. These sandwich cookies can be for anyone to love.

Well, they’re more like DIY Oreos. And all are imprinted with hearts.

24. These honey bee treats can be just as sweet.

These are Twinkies with chocolate stripes and antennas. Also, their wings are icing in a heart shape.

25. Care for a V-Day cookie gift?

Yes, they may be professionally made. But these hearts have their own wrappings.

26. With these, your heart might just skip a beat.

And these are decorated with stripes. Kind of fancy. But if you like fine dining, it can’t hurt.

27. Perhaps these fancy cookie boxes might suit your fancy.

Each of these has a photo inside and is decorated with fancy icing. Love these.

28. A fancy V-Day cake should have a heart on top.

Well, you have to admire the design on the cake. But I doubt if you can eat this heart.

29. Impress your V-Day guests with these sweet cupcakes.

These are arranged in a heart. And all are uniquely decorated with red, white, pink, and chocolate icing.

30. Serve your V-Day guests with this cookie cake candy heart.

Even if it is smothered in pink icing, it’s still better to eat than the real thing. Because real candy hearts taste like chalk.

31. You can please anyone with this hearty pizza.

Save the occasional vegetarian, of course. Since the hearts consist of pepperoni.

32. Take a taste of these V-Day blueberry tarts.

Each of these has a cookie heart on them with sprinkles of red and pink. To give an idea that they’re for Valentine’s Day.

33. Nobody could resist these V-Day love bird cake pops.

Each of these are blue with candy heart wings. Kind of reminds me a bit like the Twitter bird in some respects.

34. You can’t go wrong with these sweet pea taffy pods.

Since you’ll find two peas in each pod. By the way, they’re flavored green apple.

35. Care for some “Love Stinks” skunk tail mints?

Each of these is a heart shape peppermint with icing and sprinkles. Quite easy to make and they don’t really smell like skunks either.

36. There’s nothing you can’t love about this V-Day cake.

Covered in red icing with small harts dotted on it. Includes a lacy pink ribbon, too.

37. Bet you can’t resist this chocolate heart cherry torte.

Though I bet it could taste rather disgusting. But at least it has all the cherries on top.

38. This chocolate fondant will melt any chocolate lover’s heart.

Indeed, since it’s a chocolate heart cake smothered in chocolate sauce with some ice cream on top. Looks so tasty.

39. Speaking of chocolate, how about try these hearts?

Each of these is a heart with cream inside. And they have “love” etched in icing.

40. Wow your guests at the V-Day party with some conversation heart fudge.

Comes in many sizes and colors. Still, hope the fudge doesn’t taste like sweetened chalk dust.

41. These mini V-Day cookies are a hoot.

Well, they consist of hearts and small owls. But the pink owls are nonetheless adorable.

42. If you’re in the mood for more fruity treats, may I suggest cranberry hearts?

By the way, these are supposed to be dog treats. Didn’t know that dogs were into cranberries.

43. You can’t go wrong with this jello heart.

This one has red and white layers on a heart dish. Perfect for any V-Day party.

44. Bet your sweetheart would appreciate this heart cupcake bouquet.

Yes, these are professionally made. Yet, unlike the previous one I’ve shown, these have leaves.

45. Nobody would complain about these ice cream cupcake cones.

Each of these has chocolate cake inside and icing on top. Each is topped with a red heart.

46. You can’t have a heart cake without strawberries.

Kind of resembles a tart more than a cake. But it’s nonetheless, decorated with heart impressions. And no icing required.

47. Heart pretzels can make a great Valentine’s Day snack.

Yes, I had heart pretzels last year. But these look quite different since they have twisty ends.

48. You’ll find this pizza full of hearts.

Well, pepperoni hearts all over the cheese. And yes, it’s shaped like a heart, too.

49. Perhaps you might care for the veggie version.

This one has pepper hearts all over it. But feel free to sprinkle some cheese as well.

50. This love bug cake is hard to resist.

Yes, this is professionally made. But it’s quite an original V-Day concept. And the love bug is cute.

51. Grace your dessert platter with this heart cake with chocolate roses.

Because nothing says love like chocolate roses. Be they’re hard to pull off in a bakery.

52. Use your leftover candy canes for these candy pops.

These mostly consist of candy canes and white chocolate. And yes, they’re covered in sprinkles.

53. You can’t get more lovey with these love bird cookies.

Each one has two birds on top of one with sprinkles. So adorable.

54. These lions are just full of love.

However, unlike what you see on The Lion King, male lions don’t make ideal romantic partners. I mean they mate with multiple lionesses and kill their stepkids.

55. There’s so much to love with these mini warm fuzzy cheese balls.

Well, these are cheese balls covered in mozzarella with pretzel and pepperoni antennas. Their feet are made of crackers, too. So cute.

56. Get a load of these jello kiss lips.

Well, they’re all in red with icing. Not sure if I’d want that on a dessert platter though.

57. Nothing makes a great V-Day dinner like some heart pasta.

Just google heart pasta and you’ll find stuff like this. And yes, these have parmesan cheese on them.

58. Treat your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day with this teddy bear taco tart.

Didn’t know that taco tarts even exist. Nonetheless, this tarty teddy bear is adorable.

59. Show your love through a spaghetti dinner.

Well, that may do the trick. Like how they used bread for an arrow.

60. You can delight with these ice cream cone cupcakes.

This one has a layer of icing with sprinkles as well as a red fruit-roll up cover. Great for parties.

61. For V-Day dinner, feast on some hearty meatloaf.

Well, you can pretty much make ground beef resemble anything. Though use a generous amount of ketchup on top.

62. Perhaps you might love these heart cookies.

They’re sugar cookies with hearts on them. But at least these are doable for many.

63. Wake up this V-Day to some hearty waffles.

This one contains raspberries inside with whipped cream on topped. Kind of reminds me of what you’d see at IHOP.

64. Start a conversation in the morning with these toasty hearts.

Each one of these is in so many different colors. And each has a unique inscription.

65. These cinnamon rolls are all hugs and kisses.

Well, they’re made with a giant X and O. But I wouldn’t mind having these for breakfast.

66. Everyone has to love these cupcake homages.

This one depicts famous couples. Nevertheless, some of these didn’t end well.

67. Care for some dessert sushi for your V-Day night?

Haven’t heard of that food either. Still, each of these has a heart in the center.

68. Treat your V-Day guests with this heart and cheese platter.

Sure it’s not all cheese. But all the food here contains a heart.

69. On a cold day, warm yourself with some hearty tomato soup.

As you can see, it contains a heart in the middle. Great for lunch on a cold winter day.

70. Everyone would feast their eyes on these heart calzones.

You can see these contain a pizza inside. Still, you have to love these.

71. You can always take a break with these white chocolate bark bites.

Has M&Ms and sprinkles on top. And yes, it looks quite doable if you ask me.

72. For healthier options, may I suggest this V-Day fruit platter?

Well, it’s certainly a colorful display. Includes raspberries, strawberries, and blueberries.

73. You can’t help but love these cookie sentiments.

Yes, these are all cookie speech bubbles. Each one of them contains a lovely message.

74. For a warm and fuzzy V-Day, check out this warm and fuzzy cake.

This one is covered in red icing. Has pink heart base and pink heart antennas. So cute.

75. You’ll find plenty of love notes in these cookies.

Consists of hearts and envelopes galore. Some even contain messages.

76. Everyone would crave for V-Day cupcakes that are pretty in pink.

Well, they’re all in pink icing. Yet, each one has their own unique decorations.

77. Serve your guests to some heart pudding cups.

These have whipped cream and raspberries on top. But best of all, they’re chocolate.

78. You’ll have to be mad not to love this heart sticky bun.

This one even ahs pink drizzle on it. Great for any V-Day breakfast. Unless you’re on a diet.

79. You’ll find a sweet surprise from these hearts.

And fortunately, the surprise is M&Ms. Because no one would want one of these hearts containing the conversation heart candies. Since they taste like chalk.

80. You’ll find plenty of roses on this V-Day cookie cake.

Well, it’s mostly a ring of pink icing. But it’s nonetheless chocolate chip and shaped like a heart.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Fifth Edition)

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Now that it’s late January, you’re bound to see plenty of red, pink, and white hearts at the store for Valentine’s Day. Sure it’s a day when people celebrate love and romance within the confines of the unpredictable snowy weather. Well, as far as we see it in the foreseeable future. So naturally, it’s a time when people send valentines to each other to express their love, along with candy and a stuff animal. This wasn’t much different back in the day. And while you might see plenty of cute valentines from that time, you’ll find some that seem rather strange. Some might contain double entendres. Some might be outright racist. Some may be creepy and contain unsettling messages. Some might defy all sense of logical explanation. But whatever the case, sending these old timey cards to your sweetheart might result in an inevitable breakup. However, feel free to look at these for a good laugh, especially if you’re single. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage valentines from yesterday.

  1. “Valentine! Speaking of spooks and haunts and such-beware! Help! Watch out!”

For one, Halloween has been over for like months. Second, sentiments like “beware,” “help,” and “watch out” don’t have good connotations.

2. You can even say the Devil has a heart on Valentine’s Day.

And here he stabs one with a pitchfork. All the other hearts below him are in a pit of fire. Not sure what to make out of that.

3. “Stop de-baiting and be my valentine.”

Still, we know why fishermen bait a fish. And it’s more along the lines of catch to eat. Nevertheless, the fish kind of reminds me of a Creature of the Black Lagoon winking in makeup.

4. Seems like some Indian wants you in her teepee.

Boy, that’s racist. Not only the speech seems offensive but the Indian looks pretty white.

5. All this guy wants is a girl in the kitchen to cook for him.

Some like light boys. Some like dark boys. But all I want is a guy who can make his own damn sandwich.

6. “Forbidden fruit is sweetest.”

Well, let’s say that this boy is budding pervert looking up that girl’s skirt. Bet this won’t go well.

7. Painting a heart can always do the trick.

I know it’s supposed to be red paint. But it looks like blood. This boy may love but he has a sick way of showing it.

8. “If you’ll be my sweetheart, I will be your beau.”

Sorry, Bobby, but I don’t think she’s interested. She’s still hung up over Pete going with Gretchen.

9. “O, Cupid, Cupid, how could you be so cruel!”

Takes “playing games with my heart” to a whole new level. But in this case, it’s soccer.

10. One always has eyes on their valentine.

Though I don’t take the guy’s stare as a loving embrace. Reminds me of some guy with a sick murder fetish.

11. “I aim to win you. You’re the ‘big shot’ in my life!”

But does she really need to use a cannon? Even if the balls have hearts on them. I’m sure she’d have better luck with the unusually short skirt.

12. Apparently, the Krampus has something to do with Valentine’s Day.

Though sometimes Krampus can get bored waiting until next Christmas to terrorize you. So he spends Valentines roasting hearts on a rotisserie.

13. Sometimes a valentine choice depends on what kind of house one lives.

So Jenny won’t live with Jimmy in a cottage. But she’ll have him in a bungalow. Apparently, she has her preferences.

14. “I feel awful funny whenever I think of you.”

So Bubbles the Clown has two hearts with an arrow stitched on his ass. Then again, his smile sends an uncomfortable vibe.

15. “Don’t be afraid, it’s only me with your Valentine.”

But showing up with a freaking mask doesn’t help matters. Then again, even without the mask, the kid still looks pretty creepy.

16. Love can always be better than money.

Basically, this valentine says, “I may be broke, but I have plenty of love to go around.” Still, he kind of seems a bit all over her. Yet, she doesn’t seem to mind.

17. “I’d like to label you ‘all mine’ and tell the gang you’re my valentine!”

Though putting a heart on her back doesn’t seem to have good implications. This is especially if she’s bewildered by the whole thing.

18. “Don’t keep me in the dog house, my valentine.”

And yes, this boy is literally in the dog house. Still, I’m not sure what would put him in the dog house. Nor do I want to know.

19. “I’ll come clean, be my valentine.”

Unfortunately, this scene sends a lot of Sandusky locker room vibes. Let’s just say, I find this valentine as disturbing as hell.

20. “It beats all how much I like you, Valentine!”

Sorry, but this Black Sambo beating a drum won’t win over that black person you’re trying to impress. Because it’s incredibly racist.

21. “You’re unusual, Valentine. Be mine.”

But saying she’s unusual like a carnival attraction might not go over well. Also, the girl’s in a cannon.

22. “The ‘bare fact’ is I want you for my valentine!”

Note that she’s naked and has a towel over her naughty bits. You can get what she might imply from the intended recipient.

23. Police clown wants you to be his valentine.

Though I wouldn’t want to be caught by this guy. Since he’s the stuff of nightmares. And he’s angry.

24. “Boom goes my heart!”

Note how he has the cannon positioned at his nether region. If you’ve looked at my other posts with boys and cannons, you can probably guess what this implies.

25. “This is no ‘boner,’ you’re my sweetheart.”

Actually, ‘boner’ meant a mistake at the time. But considering it’s a valentine, it might mean what you get from Viagra.

26. “No monkeying- I’m starving for you, my valentine.”

Though the girl’s holding the banana rather suggestively. And, no, that doesn’t look right.

27. “There’s ‘space’ in my heart for you, Valentine!”

Here he hugs onto the rocket. Not sure what that means, but I can guess there’s a phallic implication.

28. “Here is a king size chocolate wish for you!”

For nothing suggests love like the prospect of lung cancer, heart disease, and respiratory problems. Awww.

29. Even in injury, some just don’t know when to quit.

The fact he has a bump and bandage on his head doesn’t seem to get him to come to his senses. Also, if his valentine is a private secretary, then he might be liable for sexual harassment.

30. No guy would be wise to turn down Lixie.

Yet, I’m not sure what the candy she’s selling. Though it seems rather stick like. Oh, wait…

31. Sometimes a heart can be a bait for a trap.

You mean they had rats in valentines? Seriously, this is just so messed up. And yes, I think the heart is a trap.

32. “I’ll never forget/So you can bet/I’ll get you yet!”

Let’s just say the idea of an elephant coming to get you is just frightening. Also, suggests that the giver has no idea how to conduct a healthy relationship.

33. This guy is all tied for his valentine.

For nothing says love like tying oneself to a heart with Cupid’s help. If you and your sweetheart love kinky sex games, this is for you.

34. “I get a ‘bang’ out of you!”

Yes, hammer motifs in valentines are pretty disturbing. And this one pretty much nails it in.

35. “My love is hot by ginger, Valentine!”

Another instance of misplaced holiday icons. Still, the gingerbread man’s face may seem borderline offensive to some viewers. Or creep you out.

36. “You’re really ‘solid,’ let’s start now.”

I think I know where this going. And I’m implying beyond the kissing and hugging stage here.

37. “I have nine lives of love for you, my valentine.”

Nonetheless, Felix the Cat has just been released from Arkham Asylum. And he’ll wreak havoc on Gotham City as we speak since Batman has cat allergies.

38. “I’m ‘crying’ my eyes out for you. Be my Valentine!”

Sure the message may be sweet. But using a freakish yellow onion clown from nightmares doesn’t do any favors.

39. “Gr-r-r. I’ll be angry if you won’t be mine!”

Looking at that tiger, I don’t think this is a healthy way to initiate a relationship. Guess not good rejection.

40. This kitty wants to play a song for you.

Nevertheless, I’m not sure if I want to hear this cat on the piano. Seems a bit angry in the eyes. Like she’ll scratch you up if you reject her.

41. “It’s strictly business, be my valentine!”

I’m sure this girl should report this creep to Human Resources. Also, note how this guy looks at her back.

42. Cupid sends Valentine’s greetings.

And he has a large chest with hearts all over it. Don’t really want to know what he has in there. In fact, I’d rather not dwell on it.

43. Even Superman isn’t immune to love.

Yes, to Superman, love is like Kryptonite. It makes him weak. So I guess the man from Krypton shouldn’t fall in love. Too bad he’s with Lois Lane.

44. “Hope I make a hit with you. This time I’ll put some punch in it. Be my Valentine!”

Okay, this seems to suggest interpersonal violence, which is a relationship no-no. Also, the kid seems a bit angry and can’t take a hint.

45. “Anyone can plainly see/My teacher is O.K. with me. Be my Valentine!”

He’s holding an awfully long ruler. Anyway, I think I know what he’s suggesting. And it’s what we usually don’t talk about in school until the 8th grade.

46. “Dear, don’t see how you can live in such a cold place.”

And I can’t see how Cupid rises from a heart with a fur shawl. Okay, I guess this suggests that the recipient is a cold bitch. That’s kind of insulting.

47. “I’m cooking up a scheme to get you to be my valentine.”

And I see she’s probably cooking something in a cauldron over an open fire. Hope it’s not a love potion since it’s a date rape drug.

48. When it comes to romance, expect some disturbance.

From Viral Wonderz: “Hugging may be romantic, but this guy has got his eyes somewhere else. His Valentine is looking at him lovingly in the eye, but he has his eye on other parts of her body. They may look innocent, but there’s nothing innocent about this guy. The message is even more disturbing. This looks like a crime waiting to happen.”

49. “Why not ‘juice’ me for your valentine?”

From Viral Wonderz: “Read more: “We’re not sure if this card is advertising a juicer for Valentine’s day or has a different meaning altogether? Yes, we love our refreshing lemonades but we think this vintage card wants to juice something else. Just hope that the father of your valentine won’t see this or else you’ll be the one juiced up.”

50. “I have to join two hearts in one/And wish this tender task were done.”

However, she has all those hearts on her dress and just has to have one more. Not surprisingly, she breaks a few.

 

Fall in Love with These Valentine’s Day Craft Projects (Second Edition)

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Pardon me for the interruption of the last essay, but that couldn’t really be helped. Anyway, moving on, we go to Valentine’s Day craft projects. And I’m sure plenty of us had made at least one in an elementary school art class. Though it would mostly be made from construction paper. However, while there are plenty of people like me who aren’t very much into the holiday with the possible exception of cashing in on it, there are plenty who are. Because you’re bound to find plenty of Valentine’s Day crafts on Pinterest. Though naturally a lot of these are suited for children. Last year, I did a post on V-Day crafts which was quite a hit. So I plan on doing one for this year. And like last year, these crafts aren’t really for kids. Then again, so are most of the stuff on my craft posts in general. Nevertheless, for your reading pleasure, I give you another installment of Valentine’s Day craft projects you’re sure to love.

  1. How about some pink hearts in a pot?
Well, they are propped like flowers with varying different patterns. Nice to put outside one's door.

Well, they are propped like flowers with varying different patterns. Nice to put outside one’s door.

2. If you have any troubles, Madam Ruth will fix you some Love Potion No. 9.

Might cause you to kiss everything in sight. And in the Harry Potter universe, it's a legal date rape drug.

Might cause you to kiss everything in sight. And in the Harry Potter universe, it’s a legal date rape drug.

3. A Valentine heart should always have flowers of pink, white, and red.

Well, not sure which flowers they are. But they sure look nice hanging over the window.

Well, not sure which flowers they are. But they sure look nice hanging over the window.

4. If you’re into the winter magic, this heart wreath is just for you.

This one consists of a snowy branch heart with two red cardinals. and a heart in the center. A perfect Valentine's Day decoration for male same-sex couples. Well, assuming the birds are cardinals.

This one consists of a snowy branch heart with two red cardinals. and a heart in the center. A perfect Valentine’s Day decoration for male same-sex couples. Well, assuming the birds are cardinals.

5. A white wine bottle should always come with some hearts.

Each heart is pink and red while held to a string. All in all this is quite lovely.

Each heart is pink and red while held to a string. All in all this is quite lovely.

6. A Valentine’s Day wreath should have stuffed felt hearts all around.

The red ones have a pink stitch in the middle. The white ones have a ribbon and button.

The red ones have a pink stitch in the middle. The white ones have a ribbon and button.

7. Got an unused picture frame? Hope you can hang a few shiny hearts.

Don't forget to put a pink ribbon on top. And paint the frame red while you're at it.

Don’t forget to put a pink bow on top. And paint the frame red while you’re at it.

8. A Valentine pillow should always have a secret pocket at the heart.

Because it should always have a love note in place. Still, both pillow and love note are made from the same materials.

Because it should always have a love note in place. Still, both pillow and love note are made from the same materials.

9. For Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with a hugs and kisses ladder.

Okay, this is pretty ingenious that even I couldn't think of that. Love the hearts.

Okay, this is pretty ingenious that even I couldn’t think of that. Love the hearts.

10. Send a crocheted valentine to somebody close to your heart.

Though that special someone might not get the message. But I do like the heart button stamp.

Though that special someone might not get the message. But I do like the heart button stamp.

11. Nothing can drive these lovebirds apart this Valentine’s Day.

This might be a wedding cake topper. But it also can work as V-Day decorations. Still, the birds are so cute.

This might be a wedding cake topper. But it also can work as V-Day decorations. Still, the birds are so cute.

12. A V-Day tulle wreath should have some hearts for good measure.

Well, it's not totally pink. But the colors seem to run together. Like the hearts.

Well, it’s not totally pink. But the colors seem to run together. Like the hearts.

13. There’s nothing sweeter than a box of chocolates at your front door.

Though know these chocolates aren't exactly real. But you'd never know what you'd get from them.

Though know these chocolates aren’t exactly real. But you’d never know what you’d get from them.

14. A heart wreath should come with some red berries.

Well, the berries are fake and sure aren't holly. But they'll do. Love the hearts on the bow, too.

Well, the berries are fake and sure aren’t holly. But they’ll do. Love the hearts on the bow, too.

15. These Valentine’s Day pillows always give so much to love.

Each one has sayings on them with the letters in different colors and patterns. Comes in a set of 3.

Each one has sayings on them with the letters in different colors and patterns. Comes in a set of 3.

16. This crocheted pink rose makes an ideal V-Day corsage.

Then again, I'm not sure if it was made to be a corsage. But it's certainly a rose.

Then again, I’m not sure if it was made to be a corsage. But it’s certainly a rose.

17. For a more naturalistic V-Day, this heart wreath comes with all the flowers.

Seems like this one has all the floral trimmings you can ask for on your front door. Wouldn't mind having this.

Seems like this one has all the floral trimmings you can ask for on your front door. Wouldn’t mind having this.

18. An ivy heart wreath can always come with some red hearts.

Actually it seems to have red hearts and ribbons all over it. Might be used for spring if it weren't for the V-Day trimmings.

Actually it seems to have red hearts and ribbons all over it. Might be used for spring if it weren’t for the V-Day trimmings.

19. Nobody could resist a heart made from red buttons.

Doesn't hurt if there's a heart necklace at the center along with a gingham bow. Love this.

Doesn’t hurt if there’s a heart necklace at the center along with a gingham bow. Love this.

20. Don’t like wreaths? Well, this heart hanging will lift your V-Day spirits.

Sure it kind of resembles a Christmas decoration. But we should take note of the heart ribbon and chocolate box.

Sure it kind of resembles a Christmas decoration. But we should take note of the heart ribbon and chocolate box.

21. Count down the days to Valentine’s Day with this pillow of hearts.

Well, it consists of 14 hearts with ribbons on them. Great for any Valentine's Day.

Well, it consists of 14 hearts with ribbons on them. Great for any Valentine’s Day.

22. This Valentine yarn wreath contains 4 hearts in the center.

Well, it's a lovely wreath of white and pink. But most of the hearts are red.

Well, it’s a lovely wreath of white and pink. But most of the hearts are red.

23. A white feather heart always inspires warm and fuzzy emotions.

Sure it may not seem like much. But I think it's lovely in its own way. Besides, white's a V-Day color though more used as an accent.

Sure it may not seem like much. But I think it’s lovely in its own way. Besides, white’s a V-Day color though more used as an accent.

24. These wooden hearts contain plants and a key.

The plants in the jars may not be real. But you have to love how they come with keys to signify a lovely gesture.

The plants in the jars may not be real. But you have to love how they come with keys to signify a lovely gesture.

25. A love pillow will always give you watch you need.

Doesn't hurt that it has some hearts stitched on it, too. Though not sure about having the letters in cursive.

Doesn’t hurt that it has some hearts stitched on it, too. Though not sure about having the letters in cursive.

26. Each heart on this wreath says something special.

Well, they're usually sayings you'd find on valentines. And they're sure to make you feel all sentimental.

Well, they’re usually sayings you’d find on valentines. And they’re sure to make you feel all sentimental.

27. A bauble heart wreath can always have its love shining through.

Doesn't hurt if the baubles are red and pink and are trimmed with tinsel. All in all lovely.

Doesn’t hurt if the baubles are red and pink and are trimmed with tinsel. All in all lovely.

28. This garden urn is all full of hearts this Valentine’s Day.

Well, the hearts are in all different colors. But I like the bow best of all.

Well, the hearts are in all different colors. But I like the bow best of all.

29. Fancy hearts, flowers, and ribbons should always be on a wreath.

Now this one seems like you'd put it on someone's gravestone. Though it surely looks lovely on any front door.

Now this one seems like you’d put it on someone’s gravestone. Though it surely looks lovely on any front door.

30. You can always send a valentine in a crocheted envelope.

And you can use them over and over again. Come in 3 colors with a heart seal.

And you can use them over and over again. Come in 3 colors with a heart seal.

31. These flowers have come attached with a kiss.

Though the flowers are fake and used as a front door bouquet decoration. Still, if you don't want a wreath, this will certainly do.

Though the flowers are fake and used as a front door bouquet decoration. Still, if you don’t want a wreath, this will certainly do.

32. Show the love on Valentine’s Day with these heart towels.

Though these seem more made for the kitchen than the bathroom. Nevertheless, they're white with pink decorations and red fringe.

Though these seem more made for the kitchen than the bathroom. Nevertheless, they’re white with pink decorations and red fringe.

33. Cupid’s 3 arrows of one can always be joined as one with a pink bow.

Now these look quite easy to make. Just have feathers, twigs, ribbon, and red hearts.

Now these look quite easy to make. Just have feathers, twigs, ribbon, and red hearts.

34. Love lives here with these wings and arrows.

I bet this hanging is supposed to represent Cupid or Eros. Though often depicted as an angel baby, he's not.

I bet this hanging is supposed to represent Cupid or Eros. Though often depicted as an angel baby, he’s not.

35. With all these bottles together, they all spell love.

I'm always amazed by what people can do with old wine bottles around. Though I sometimes wonder why'd they have so many in the first place.

I’m always amazed by what people can do with old wine bottles around. Though I sometimes wonder why’d they have so many in the first place.

36. A wire heart only requires few flowers.

And if it weren't for the flowers, you might barely see it. Still, I think it's beautiful.

And if it weren’t for the flowers, you might barely see it. Still, I think it’s beautiful.

37. Crocheted chocolates always make a great gift to your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day.

Well, this is in a square box. Yet, though you can't eat any of them, they're sure adorable to behold.

Well, this is in a square box. Yet, though you can’t eat any of them, they’re sure adorable to behold.

38. Show your sweetheart you care this Valentine’s Day with this heart bouquet.

Yes, it may profess love. But make sure they feel the same way about you before you give it to them.

Yes, it may profess love. But make sure they feel the same way about you before you give it to them.

39. A wreath of red flowers can always send a lovely message.

Well, it certainly shows it loud and clear in a heart. Love the red flowers.

Well, it certainly shows it loud and clear in a heart. Love the red flowers.

40. This red burlap heart wreath comes with its own striped bow.

Well, that's quite a rustic looking wreath though made from burlap. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Well, that’s quite a rustic looking wreath though made from burlap. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

41. Curl up with your sweetheart this Valentine’s Day with this crocheted heart pillow.

Comes with lace edging and a pink bow. Sure it might seem a bit girly but it's lovely.

Comes with lace edging and a pink bow. Sure it might seem a bit girly but it’s lovely.

42. This tulle heart wreath will bring you nothing but love.

It even has the word love in the center. And the tulle is in red, white and pink.

It even has the word love in the center. And the tulle is in red, white and pink.

43. Seems like Cupid’s arrow just shot through this wreath.

Actually it was made that way. Though I do think the arrow gives a nice finishing touch.

Actually it was made that way. Though I do think the arrow gives a nice finishing touch.

44. Felt roses can always make a heart wreath joy.

This is especially when the wreath is made from sticks. Seems like I have a lot of wreaths on this post for some reason.

This is especially when the wreath is made from sticks. Seems like I have a lot of wreaths on this post for some reason.

45. How about give your sweetheart crocheted chocolates in a crocheted heart box?

Now that seems more fitting for Valentine's Day for some reason. Though I think it's quite wonderful. Not sure about some of the packaging though.

Now that seems more fitting for Valentine’s Day for some reason. Though I think it’s quite wonderful. Not sure about some of the packaging though.

46. There’s nothing that shows the love on Valentine’s Day like a heart wreath filled with roses.

Well, it has roses and other flowers. And yes, it looks like it comes from a store. But it's quite stunning nonetheless.

Well, it has roses and other flowers. And yes, it looks like it comes from a store. But it’s quite stunning nonetheless.

47. A candy heart of candy hearts should always be sweet in a frame.

Because these candy hearts sure aren't great tasting candies. More like a combination of chalk and sugar.

Because these candy hearts sure aren’t great tasting candies. More like a combination of chalk and sugar.

48. A wooden palette heart like this always speaks of love’s endurance.

Well, that's a nice sentiment to put one one's front door. Love how it has deco mesh trimmings.

Well, that’s a nice sentiment to put one one’s front door. Love how it has deco mesh trimmings.

49. A crocheted heart pot holder is used to any kind of burn.

Well, as long as it's in the kitchen. Still, doesn't need to be too fancy.

Well, as long as it’s in the kitchen. Still, doesn’t need to be too fancy.

50. A bouquet of crocheted roses is almost as great as the real thing.

Except you never have to throw these roses out. For they can last year after year.

Except you never have to throw these roses out. For they can last year after year.

51. A pink yarn wreath can never have too many hearts.

Well, these have red hearts in the center hanging from string. While the wreath has white and red ones on its side.

Well, these have red hearts in the center hanging from string. While the wreath has white and red ones on its side.

52. All this silver heart wreath has to offer is love.

It even has a an arrow struck through it with a heart end. Love it.

It even has a an arrow struck through it with a heart end. Love it.

53. With wine bottles you can make a wonderful display to show your love this Valentine’s Day.

You can even put stuff inside them like berry branches or hearts. All in all, quite stunning to say the least.

You can even put stuff inside them like berry branches or hearts. All in all, quite stunning to say the least.

54. Tell your sweetheart you light up their lives with this glass block this Valentine’s Day.

It even lights up and has hearts on it. Love the bow though.

It even lights up and has hearts on it. Love the bow though.

55. There’s nothing fuzzier on Valentine’s Day like a pink feather wreath.

Well, it certainly seems like something you'd put on your front door. Then again, these kind of wreaths might make a mess.

Well, it certainly seems like something you’d put on your front door. Then again, these kind of wreaths might make a mess.

56. A burlap envelope comes all full with love letters.

Well, these aren't actually love letters. But it surely makes a lovely decoration.

Well, these aren’t actually love letters. But it surely makes a lovely decoration.

57. A candy hearts wreath can bring a lot of sweetness and light.

Well, at least this put the candy chalk hearts into good use. Love the bow, too.

Well, at least this put the candy chalk hearts into good use. Love the bow, too.

58. You can always say “Be Mine” with large wooden tags.

Doesn't hurt if they're bordered with hearts. Makes a nice door hanging.

Doesn’t hurt if they’re bordered with hearts. Makes a nice door hanging.

59. A wooden heart with green always gives a rustic touch.

Well, this is a lovely decoration for V-Day. Love the bow. Not sure about the foliage.

Well, this is a lovely decoration for V-Day. Love the bow. Not sure about the foliage.

60. No wreath on Valentine’s Day can ever be as welcoming as this one.

After all, it says love in wooden letters. Love the flowers and berry branches, too.

After all, it says love in wooden letters. Love the flowers and berry branches, too.

61. This glass block is bursting with lights and hearts.

Doesn't hurt that it has some silver tinsel inside. Nevertheless, it's as good as gold.

Doesn’t hurt that it has some silver tinsel inside. Nevertheless, it’s as good as gold.

62. There’s nothing better on Valentine’s Day like a corked heart.

Well, it's a heart made out of corks. Sure it may say love, but you have to wonder if drinking was involved in the creation.

Well, it’s a heart made out of corks. Sure it may say love, but you have to wonder if drinking was involved in the creation.

63. Hearts don’t always have to be red, white, or pink for V-Day.

On this wreath, you'd find hearts of all kinds of colors and sizes. For those who aren't fond of pink, this is for you.

On this wreath, you’d find hearts of all kinds of colors and sizes. For those who aren’t fond of pink, this is for you.

64. A V-Day place setting should always include hearts.

This ncludes a heart place mat, a heart closer, and a red silverware holder. Great for parties.

This ncludes a heart place mat, a heart closer, and a red silverware holder. Great for parties.

65. You can always make a simple bouquet from craft supplies.

And you don't have to throw out the flowers. Though you might make some think you're using scrunchies for the wrong purpose.

And you don’t have to throw out the flowers. Though you might make some think you’re using scrunchies for the wrong purpose.

66. A Valentine owl is always worth hooting for.

This one has "Owl" instead of "I'll." Nevertheless, it's so adorable that any child will love it.

This one has “Owl” instead of “I’ll.” Nevertheless, it’s so adorable that any child will love it.

67. A banner of love is perfect for a front door on Valentine’s Day.

Well, this is quite rustic but it'll surely melt hearts all around. Love the bow.

Well, this is quite rustic but it’ll surely melt hearts all around. Love the bow.

68. Be the hostess with the mostess this Valentine’s Day with your sweetheart hostess apron.

It has hearts all over it along with cute little pockets. Great for any V-Day party.

It has hearts all over it along with cute little pockets. Great for any V-Day party.

69. These XO pillows are all hugs and kisses.

I know don't use X's and O's for kisses and hugs these days. But back then, they didn't have emojis.

I know don’t use X’s and O’s for kisses and hugs these days. But back then, they didn’t have emojis.

70. A wreath with hearts spreads love all around.

Each heart is in pink, white, and red. And they're all surrounded by pink flowers.

Each heart is in pink, white, and red. And they’re all surrounded by pink flowers.

71. Make your love light up with this marquee style heart.

You have to admire how people can do these craft projects that require electricity. Still, this shines on.

You have to admire how people can do these craft projects that require electricity. Still, this shines on.

72. Or you can light up your love like this.

Well, it's quite elaborate. But sometimes you have to go all out.

Well, it’s quite elaborate. But sometimes you have to go all out.

73. These small felt hearts will surely make you smile.

Each one has s smile and blushing cheeks. Many are used for pins. So cute.

Each one has s smile and blushing cheeks. Many are used for pins. So cute.

74. This Valentine’s Day sheep pillow will inspire woolly feelings of warmth.

A couple of the sheep even have hearts on their fleece and are stacked against each other. So adorable.

A couple of the sheep even have hearts on their fleece and are stacked against each other. So adorable.

75. Keep your cold hands warm this Valentine’s Day with these candy heart mittens.

Contains candy hearts of different colors. Though the real stuff is chalky, the pattern is sweet.

Contains candy hearts of different colors. Though the real stuff is chalky, the pattern is sweet.

76. Send your V-Day gift with love in this crocheted tote bag.

It's pink with tiny red hearts on it. Now that I think of it, it's a great gift unto itself.

It’s pink with tiny red hearts on it. Now that I think of it, it’s a great gift unto itself.

77. A basket of roses for Valentine’s Day is always great for your front door.

This is called a rose wreath. But it's not a rose wreath. It's roses in a basket. Know the difference.

This is called a rose wreath. But it’s not a rose wreath. It’s roses in a basket. Know the difference.

78. These crocheted heart pillows have pockets for valentines.

Now you have a place to put your love notes. Well, if you have a sweetheart anyway.

Now you have a place to put your love notes. Well, if you have a sweetheart anyway.

79. This crocheted Valentine hat is all red with hearts.

Even has bows to go with it. Probably for some young girl but it's cute.

Even has bows to go with it. Probably for some young girl but it’s cute.

80. This rosy choker scarf will keep your neck nice and cozy.

Well, these are magenta roses. But it surely looks quite stylish to say the least.

Well, these are magenta roses. But it surely looks quite stylish to say the least.

81. Nobody can resist crocheted chocolates from a pink heart box.

Because they're soft and smushy. Love the heart decoration on the lid.

Because they’re soft and smushy. Love the heart decoration on the lid.

82. This rainbow heart mobile will delight any little ones with love.

Bet this is used for a little girl's room. Yet, I think it's a rather enchanting design.

Bet this is used for a little girl’s room. Yet, I think it’s a rather enchanting design.

83. Nothing beats a heart wreath with crocheted flowers.

Helps that the flowers aren't roses and are in different colors. Love the button centers.

Helps that the flowers aren’t roses and are in different colors. Love the button centers.

84. Catch the light with this Valentine heart suncatcher.

Well, it's certainly a valentine heart all right. Love how the glass around it makes up the lace.

Well, it’s certainly a valentine heart all right. Love how the glass around it makes up the lace.

85. Keep yourself warm this Valentine’s Day by curling up in a Valentine Hearts afghan.

Comes in a great patchwork design with hearts of red, pink, and purple. Love it.

Comes in a great patchwork design with hearts of red, pink, and purple. Love it.

86. Make your Valentine’s Day fancy with this doily of hearts.

Each red heart is surrounded with lace and has a pink bow. All in all, so beautiful.

Each red heart is surrounded with lace and has a pink bow. All in all, so beautiful.

87. This little Love Bug will melt your heart.

Or make your heart flutter you want to cuddle it. Oh, so adorable.

Or make your heart flutter you want to cuddle it. Oh, so adorable.

88. Look extra lovely this Valentine’s Day with these crocheted heart earrings.

Well, they might weigh heavy on me. However, they sure look quite cute.

Well, they might weigh heavy on me. However, they sure look quite cute.

89. This crocheted heart buddy just wants some love.

Here the heart is holding a cute little valentine. Love the bow on the head. Adorable.

Here the heart is holding a cute little valentine. Love the bow on the head. Adorable.

90. This amigurumi girl gives out her heart for Valentine’s Day.

Well, she's such a sweetie. Sure pink and red don't always go together. But here I make an exception.

Well, she’s such a sweetie. Sure pink and red don’t always go together. But here I make an exception.

91. If you like white roses, then you’d want to curl up with this crocheted Valentine’s Day pillow.

This one even has lace on the edging. Love it.

This one even has lace on the edging. Love the design, too.

92. A heart wreath of roses should come with a white wooden frame.

Doesn't hurt if the frame is decorated with berry branches. Still, the roses are beautiful.

Doesn’t hurt if the frame is decorated with berry branches. Still, the roses are beautiful.

93. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a wall hanging of a red yo-yo heart.

By the way, yo-yo is the style. Don't ask me why. there are some quilting terms I don't understand.

By the way, yo-yo is the style. Don’t ask me why. there are some quilting terms I don’t understand.

94. This Valentine’s Day quilt of cascading hearts is surely a sight to see.

Well, it has a 3 dimensional look to it. Love the hearts coming down from a distance.

Well, it has a 3 dimensional look to it. Love the hearts coming down from a distance.

95. This V-Day quilt contains an urn with hearts of all kinds.

Each heart has different colors and patterns. So lovely if you ask me.

Each heart has different colors and patterns. So lovely if you ask me.

96. A Valentine’s Day wreath should have a heart of gold.

And it's surely an ornate one at that. Love how the small hearts make it look like a red snowflake.

And it’s surely an ornate one at that. Love how the small hearts make it look like a red snowflake.

97. There’s nothing sweeter than a V-Day wreath of chocolates.

Well, the chocolates aren't real. Love the saying "Life Is Sweet."

Well, the chocolates aren’t real. Love the saying “Life Is Sweet.”

98. For even more sweet times, you might enjoy this candy heart wreath.

Each heart has a sweet saying among a pastel wreath. So lovely.

Each heart has a sweet saying among a pastel wreath. So lovely.

99. Make Valentine’s Day a sweet occasion with a candy hearts bouquet.

It has fake pink roses on the top. But at least the candy hearts are put to better use.

It has fake pink roses on the top. But at least the candy hearts are put to better use.

100. This Valentine’s Day tree gives you all to love.

Because why put away the Christmas tree just yet when you can decorate it with hearts? Nevertheless, I'm not sure if I understand.

Because why put away the Christmas tree just yet when you can decorate it with hearts? Nevertheless, I’m not sure if I understand.

Be Mine With These Valentine’s Day Treats (Third Edition)

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Of course, we’re now on to Valentine’s Day or the time of year people celebrate love with hearts, flowers, candy, and pink stuff in February. Lots of pink stuff. But since I am a lowly blogger, I have to keep an audience though celebration considerably varies. Though retailers always seek to cash in since it’s the biggest moneymaker holiday between Christmas and Easter. Of course, exceptions are any place selling sport gear (since the Super Bowl happens around this time), the town of Punxatawney, Pennsylvania (for Groundhog Day), the city of New Orleans and most of Louisiana (for Mardi Gras), and alcohol distributors (for Saint Patrick’s Day). Now for the last two years, I’ve done posts on Valentine’s Day treats like in the dinner setting you see above which I’m sure it’s not a romantic dinner. How can I tell? Because despite the fine setting and candles, there are places for 6 people. But I’m sure couples spend time with each other and polyamory exists. Anyway, Valentine’s Day is also a time for parties for either couples in love or people looking for love (perhaps in all the wrong places). Not to mention, if you’re in elementary school, you have to participate in Valentine’s Day festivities such as bringing Valentines and treats for the class regardless of what you think about the holiday. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you another installment of Valentine’s Day treats.

  1. These heart cookies come with their own flowers.
The flowers may be small. But each heart comes in red, white, or in a shade of pink.

The flowers may be small. But each heart comes in red, white, or in a shade of pink.

2. There’s so much to love about these heart graham cracker sandwiches on a stick.

Some of these even have pink filling in them with chocolate. Though I hope the pink isn't strawberry flavored because that combination tastes disgusting.

Some of these even have pink filling in them with chocolate. Though I hope the pink isn’t strawberry flavored because that combination tastes disgusting.

3. Like footprints, the love in these shoe cookies is always imprinted in one’s sole. I mean soul.

Sure they may look cute at one angle. However, they may suggest stomping on one's love at another.

Sure they may look cute at one angle. However, they may suggest stomping on one’s love at another.

4. This Valentine heart cake is bursting with hearts and flowers.

I'm sure what's sticking out of this cake isn't edible. But it's a stroke of genius.

I’m sure what’s sticking out of this cake isn’t edible. But it’s a stroke of genius.

5. Spread the love at your Valentine’s Day party with this hearty snack tray.

Includes, Ritz crackers, carrots, cucumbers, cheese, and salami. Because baloney is not appropriate for it's a lunchmeat attached to a name that also means bullshit.

Includes, Ritz crackers, carrots, cucumbers, cheese, and salami. Because baloney is not appropriate for it’s a lunchmeat attached to a name that also means bullshit.

6. These Oreo cheescake hearts offer so much to love.

And both are topped with whipped cream. Though they kind of resemble cookies.

And both are topped with whipped cream. Though they kind of resemble cookies.

7. These Valentine’s Day roll cakes will find their way to your heart.

Though let's keep cardiovascular disease out of this. But you have to love the white polka dots and heart.

Though let’s keep cardiovascular disease out of this. But you have to love the white polka dots and heart.

8. If you want to please your loved one this Valentine’s Day, say it with cupcakes.

Well, this is a cute display. Like all the pink, red, and white hearts. Though these were probably made at a bakery.

Well, this is a cute display. Like all the pink, red, and white hearts. Though these were probably made at a bakery.

9. Heart cookies don’t always have to be in pink, red, or white.

You can also find hearts in yellow, orange, green, blue, or purple. Lovely.

You can also find hearts in yellow, orange, green, blue, or purple. Lovely.

10. You can’t help but love these Rice Krispie treat heart mice.

Though you might not want to eat those ears. Those candy hearts are made from sugary chalk.

Though you might not want to eat those ears. Those candy hearts are made from sugary chalk.

11. These Cupid kabobs are awfully fruity.

Well, at least they won't cause much strain to your heart. But calling them "Cupid kabobs" not sure if the name has a ring to it.

Well, at least they won’t cause much strain to your heart. But calling them “Cupid kabobs” not sure if the name has a ring to it.

12. These candy heart cake pops always send a lovely message.

And they probably taste better than the real chalk filled candy hearts that have Necco in business. Available in any color you want.

And they probably taste better than the real chalk filled candy hearts that have Necco in business. Available in any color you want.

13. A heart cheese tray should come with two types of grapes.

However, whether to serve it with wine is optional. Though it might make you look French if you do.

However, whether to serve it with wine is optional. Though it might make you look French if you do.

14. You can say it with roses or rose strawberries.

Though at least they're healthy. Though they may look like a poor imitation.

Though at least they’re healthy. Though they may look like a poor imitation.

15. You can always serve your Valentine’s Day dinner with some heart shaped bread.

Not sure what they're supposed to be sprinkled with. But I'd certainly eat them.

Not sure what they’re supposed to be sprinkled with. But I’d certainly eat them.

16. These candy heart cookies are full of surprises.

In that, they're hollow and contain M&Ms in them. Also available in envelopes, too,

In that, they’re hollow and contain M&Ms in them. Also available in envelopes, too,

17. How about some heart shaped donuts with your coffee?

And you have to love the chocolate glaze and sprinkles. However, these can cause coronaries.

And you have to love the chocolate glaze and sprinkles. However, these can cause coronaries.

18. This pink heart Valentine’s cake comes with all the frills.

I'm sure it would go well on any Valentine's Day party dessert platter. Just as long as it doesn't clash with a male guest's birthday.

I’m sure it would go well on any Valentine’s Day party dessert platter. Just as long as it doesn’t clash with a male guest’s birthday.

19. Hope these custard hand pies find a way to your heart.

Though I don't exactly mean literally in this case. Still, like the sprinkles and small hearts.

Though I don’t exactly mean literally in this case. Still, like the sprinkles and small hearts.

20. A Valentine’s Day cake should always be decked with roses.

Yet, the roses here are small and made of icing. Still, I think it's so pretty.

Yet, the roses here are small and made of icing. Still, I think it’s so pretty.

21. If your sweetheart loves cookies and puzzles, I have just the thing.

Yes, it's a cookie crossword puzzle for Valentine's Day. Some have the squares. Others have clues.

Yes, it’s a cookie crossword puzzle for Valentine’s Day. Some have the squares. Others have clues.

22. These homemade pies are simply covered in hearts.

Though it's possible their crusts were made from the same dough. Yet, each has a different filling.

Though it’s possible their crusts were made from the same dough. Yet, each has a different filling.

23. With cookies like these, your Valentine’s Day is a fancy affair.

These were definitely made in a bakery. But yes, cookie decor can get that intricate.

These were definitely made in a bakery. But yes, cookie decor can get that intricate.

24. Nobody could resist these chocolate bears.

Because each of these has a real big heat. Yes, they're cookies but they're so cute.

Because each of these has a real big heat. Yes, they’re cookies but they’re so cute.

25. These mini pizzas make the perfect Valentine’s Day lunch.

And they don't contain many toppings either. Because we're talking about a small space.

And they don’t contain many toppings either. Because we’re talking about a small space.

26. In this bento lunch, your child will delight in these two lovebirds.

Sure they may be sandwiches with hearts on them. But they're lovely just the same.

Sure they may be sandwiches with hearts on them. But they’re lovely just the same.

27. These cannoli cones have a real chocolate touch.

Yet, I'm sure they contain a lot of icing in them. Since they're made from ice cream cones.

Yet, I’m sure they contain a lot of icing in them. Since they’re made from ice cream cones.

28. A bento like this contains 2 hearty sandwiches.

Okay, it looks like part of a clover. But still, this was made for Valentine's Day. Includes a dessert of chalk hearts.

Okay, it looks like part of a clover. But still, this was made for Valentine’s Day. Includes a dessert of chalk hearts.

29. Impress your sweethearts with these homemade candy hearts.

However, these are sugar candy on paper. So they may not taste appealing.

However, these are sugar candy on paper. So they may not taste appealing.

30. Make your Valentine’s Day wonderful with a hearty ham sandwich.

The bread also comes pressed for some reason. Hope you enjoy.

The bread also comes pressed for some reason. Hope you enjoy.

31. Bacon hearts make a worthy side to a Valentine’s Day breakfast.

However, they may not be great on your arteries though. Since we all know that bacon should be used as a side for a reason.

However, they may not be great on your arteries though. Since we all know that bacon should be used as a side for a reason.

32. This jello dish contains pink shades and strawberries.

Okay, it also has a lot of red in it, too. But at least the strawberry can be a heart shaped fruit when sliced.

Okay, it also has a lot of red in it, too. But at least the strawberry can be a heart shaped fruit when sliced.

33. Now you can pick your lipstick shade on a cupcake.

Though they're not in shades most women usually use. Seriously, gold lips? Why?

Though they’re not in shades most women usually use. Seriously, gold lips? Why?

34. Red velvet pancakes are always part of a complete Valentine’s Day breakfast.

Think of red velvet as the V-Day equivalent of pumpkin spice. Though it doesn't enjoy the same reputation since it's not ridiculous.

Think of red velvet as the V-Day equivalent of pumpkin spice. Though it doesn’t enjoy the same reputation since it’s not ridiculous.

35. With red heart waffles you can make a stunning V-Day display at breakfast.

Hey, at least it's not as bad as whatever they serve at IHOP. Though it does seem more like dessert in some way.

Hey, at least it’s not as bad as whatever they serve at IHOP. Though it does seem more like dessert in some way.

36. There’s so much to love about these strawberry hearts in this bento box.

The strawberries even have eyes and limbs. There are also heart treats and flowers.

The strawberries even have eyes and limbs. There are also heart treats and flowers.

37. A chocolate heart cake should always have the appropriate sprinkles.

I'm sure plenty of women would love a cake like this from their significant other. Love the chocolate icing.

I’m sure plenty of women would love a cake like this from their significant other. Love the chocolate icing.

38. For Valentine’s Day, you might enjoy chocolate cookies with glittery hearts.

Not sure where they'd have glitter sprinkles. But hey, I'd take them.

Not sure where they’d have glitter sprinkles. But hey, I’d take them.

39. On a white heart cake, be sure to have pink flowers.

Though I'm not sure whether these are fake or made from icing. Still, gives a nice touch.

Though I’m not sure whether these are fake or made from icing. Still, gives a nice touch.

40. You can’t find anything not to love about these love bug cupcakes.

At any rate, these are a great treat idea for kids. After all, they're simply adorable.

At any rate, these are a great treat idea for kids. After all, they’re simply adorable.

41. Treat yourself this Valentine’s Day to some hearty salad.

However, I'm not sure if this one contains a lot of vegetables. But it has a vinaigrette dressing.

However, I’m not sure if this one contains a lot of vegetables. But it has a vinaigrette dressing.

42. For Valentine’s Day, you can’t have a candle dinner without some heart ravioli.

Yes, I had on heart ravioli before. But it wasn't served in sauce like this.

Yes, I had on heart ravioli before. But it wasn’t served in sauce like this.

43. Spread the love on Valentine’s Day with these heart-shaped buns.

I'm sure they won't be heard to make. Though you may not help but adore them.

I’m sure they won’t be heard to make. Though you may not help but adore them.

44. This cake roll has chocolate hearts all over it.

Yes, it's another cake roll. But this one is pink with chocolate hearts. And it has a darker pink heart in the center.

Yes, it’s another cake roll. But this one is pink with chocolate hearts. And it has a darker pink heart in the center.

45. For Valentine’s Day, your sweetheart might want a fruit breakfast like this.

It's proof that your loved one cares not about how you feel but also your health. Then again, it may depend.

It’s proof that your loved one cares not about how you feel but also your health. Then again, it may depend.

46. For your Valentine’s Day breakfast, treat yourself to some pancake hearts.

These have hearts in them. Some of them are red as you see here.

These have hearts in them. Some of them are red as you see here.

47. A candy heart cheese cake is just the thing for Valentine’s Day.

Still, however it tastes, it'll probably be better than the candies that inspired it. Seriously, those candies taste like chalk.

Still, however it tastes, it’ll probably be better than the candies that inspired it. Seriously, those candies taste like chalk.

48. A Valentine’s Day cake should always be covered in red roses.

Not sure if the roses are fake or made from icing. But I really love this beautiful cake.

Not sure if the roses are fake or made from icing. But I really love this beautiful cake.

49. This large cookie heart proves that love can take all forms even chocolate chip.

And what's better than a chocolate chip heart cookie? Not much as far as I know.

And what’s better than a chocolate chip heart cookie? Not much as far as I know.

50. These XO pancakes are all kisses and hugs.

Still, nobody uses X's and O's anymore than for V-Day. Mostly because we have emojis.

Still, nobody uses X’s and O’s anymore than for V-Day. Mostly because we have emojis.

51. Grace your appetizer platter this Valentine’s Day with some arrow snacks.

Consist of cheese and cherry tomatoes in a toothpick. So they're easy to make with little trouble.

Consist of cheese and cherry tomatoes in a toothpick. So they’re easy to make with little trouble.

52. Now this is the kind of V-Day breakfast in bed.

This one consist of muffins, a donut, a pancake, and raspberries. But it all spells, "Love."

This one consist of muffins, a donut, a pancake, and raspberries. But it all spells, “Love.”

53. For healthier options a V-Day veggie pizza will do.

And consist of vegetables it does. I'm sure your heart will thank you for not going with pepperoni.

And consist of vegetables it does. I’m sure your heart will thank you for not going with pepperoni.

54. There’s nothing romantic on Valentine’s Day like a spaghetti dinner.

This is especially when it's shaped in a heart. Might want to put some Parmesan on that though.

This is especially when it’s shaped in a heart. Might want to put some Parmesan on that though.

55. For Valentine’s Day a hotdog dish of mac and cheese is served with love.

Well, this was made with one hotdog for the heart. But I bet this dish doesn't do wonders for the arteries.

Well, this was made with one hotdog for the heart. But I bet this dish doesn’t do wonders for the arteries.

56. This pasta dish is served with alfredo and red peppers.

And the red peppers are in hearts. Yes, this is quite lovely and creative.

And the red peppers are in hearts. Yes, this is quite lovely and creative.

57. Children will delight in this Cupid pig sandwich.

Well, that's a creative spin on the Greek god of love. Still, it's adorable and original.

Well, that’s a creative spin on the Greek god of love. Still, it’s adorable and original.

58. These rose mini cupcakes almost resemble the real flowers.

Well, to a point, anyway. But I love how these were made. Makes me wonder how these icing roses were possible.

Well, to a point, anyway. But I love how these were made. Makes me wonder how these icing roses were possible.

59. These Valentine’s Day heart cookies come with wings.

Well, some hearts do come with them on V-Day. Nevertheless, wouldn't mind having them at a party.

Well, some hearts do come with them on V-Day. Nevertheless, wouldn’t mind having them at a party.

60. Grace your dessert platter this Valentine’s Day with this chocolate pudding heart cake.

And it sure looks incredibly tempting. Must resist now.

And it sure looks incredibly tempting. Must resist now.

61. These nutter butter owl Valentine cookies are surely a hoot.

Yes, I know owls don't have much to do with V-Day. But these owls are so irresistible.

Yes, I know owls don’t have much to do with V-Day. But these owls are so irresistible.

62. A V-Day cake like this is decked with flowers on the edges.

And they're not roses. Kind of has a spring feel to it if you ask me.

And they’re not roses. Kind of has a spring feel to it if you ask me.

63. These love bug marshmallow cookies will get under your skin.

Yes, they resemble ladybugs and have hearts on their backs. Adorable.

Yes, they resemble ladybugs and have hearts on their backs. Adorable.

64. No one could resist the allure of these chocolate cupcakes.

Now these have candy hearts I actually like. Because it's almost impossible not to like chocolate.

Now these have candy hearts I actually like. Because it’s almost impossible not to like chocolate.

65. These peanut butter Valentine cookies make a tasty treat on a cold day.

Well, at least they seem doable. Though they're not too flashy.

Well, at least they seem doable. Though they’re not too flashy.

66. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without these love bug Oreo truffles.

Well, they don't exactly look like bugs. But they're pretty adorable that you wouldn't care.

Well, they don’t exactly look like bugs. But they’re pretty adorable that you wouldn’t care.

67. Speaking of truffles, check out this truffle topped heart cake.

I'm sure this will be really hard to resist. Still, is that what truffles really look like?

I’m sure this will be really hard to resist. Still, is that what truffles really look like?

68. You can’t go wrong on Valentine’s Day with a candy cane heart cake.

Not sure if those candy canes were left over from Christmas though. Then again, I'll allow it.

Not sure if those candy canes were left over from Christmas though. Then again, I’ll allow it.

69. How about a cupcake with a chocolate rose?

Yes, it's probably professionally made. But the detail is so unreal that you'd wonder whether it's edible.

Yes, it’s probably professionally made. But the detail is so unreal that you’d wonder whether it’s edible.

70. Instead of heart cookies, how about heart cookie pieces?

On one hand, this is a creative and original idea. On the other hand, it might come a bit off as stalkerish to say the least.

On one hand, this is a creative and original idea. On the other hand, it might come a bit off as stalkerish to say the least.

71. Even the smallest hearts can be just as sweet.

These are Valentine's Day mini cookies. And they're all in red, white, as well as shades of pink.

These are Valentine’s Day mini cookies. And they’re all in red, white, as well as shades of pink.

72. Chocolate lovers everywhere would enjoy these ganache heart tartlets on V-Day.

Each one has small hearts of a variety of different colors, too. Love these.

Each one has small hearts of a variety of different colors, too. Love these.

73. Instead of candy hearts, these cookies will be just fine for your sweetheart.

Each one of these has their own sayings. I'm sure plenty would want their significant others to make them.

Each one of these has their own sayings. I’m sure plenty would want their significant others to make them.

74. These V-Day candy cake pops are better than a box of chocolates.

Because you probably know what you're going to get from them. With real chocolates, it's more complicated.

Because you probably know what you’re going to get from them. With real chocolates, it’s more complicated.

75. Pancakes on V-Day can always come from the heart.

Yes, I have V-Day pancakes again. But they're done in a different style than the others.

Yes, I have V-Day pancakes again. But they’re done in a different style than the others.

76. Show your loved ones you care on Valentine’s Day with these heart pockets.

They're homemade hot pockets. Not sure if every bite in them is a different temperature though.

They’re homemade hot pockets. Not sure if every bite in them is a different temperature though.

77. Seems like there’s something special in that bento lunch.

Still, I surely hope the sandwich isn't full of baloney. Then again, I'm not talking about the lunch meat here.

Still, I surely hope the sandwich isn’t full of baloney. Then again, I’m not talking about the lunch meat here.

78. This Valentine’s Day, have a hand in your heart.

Well, they're hand cookies with hearts in them. And they're in different colors to illustrate diversity.

Well, they’re hand cookies with hearts in them. And they’re in different colors to illustrate diversity.

79. A Valentine’s Day cake like this is jammed packed with all kinds of hearts.

Well, they have red, white, and chocolate. And they seemed to be made from pretzels as far as I know.

Well, they have red, white, and chocolate. And they seemed to be made from pretzels as far as I know.

80. These chocolate bear cupcakes will make your heart melt.

They have Ree's minicup heads and hands of chocolate icing. Nevertheless, they're just adorable.

They have Ree’s minicup heads and hands of chocolate icing. Nevertheless, they’re just adorable.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Fourth Edition)

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Now that I got some Fuckface von Clownstick inaugural angst out of the way, I should now get into the Valentine’s Day posts. And what better way to start off than with a collection of political incorrectness of crazy vintage valentines? I mean these posts have been quite successful for some time and I know plenty might see it as the only fun part of the holiday. Because like me, there are many people who spend Valentine’s Day single and sometimes going to the store seeing the hearts, candy, stuffed toys, and what not can really get to you. Of course, when people think of valentine cards, they think cutesy heart cards like this one above depicting a couple in love. Yet, if I devoted a post to all the lovey dovey valentines, you’d probably throw up. So instead, I decided to go with vintage valentines that you wouldn’t believe actually existed. I mean people sent these to each other. So I give you yet another installment of unruly vintage valentines for you to love in an unintentionally hilarious way.

  1. If you receive a valentine like this, then your sweetheart must work for the Pentagon.
Okay, I don't think weapons inspired valentines are a good idea. And phallic imagery is the least of my worries here.

Okay, I don’t think weapons inspired valentines are a good idea. And phallic imagery is the least of my worries here.

2. For your Semper Fi sweetheart, this Marine valentine is a real marine.

And here he's preparing to shoot off his gun. Doesn't help that the sentiment includes "aim to make you mine." Mine what? Shooting target?

And here he’s preparing to shoot off his gun. Doesn’t help that the sentiment includes “aim to make you mine.” Mine what? Shooting target?

3. Guess it seems time for a commercial on this one.

Hey, I'm all for grand expressions of love and all. But a televised valentine is just going way too far. Seriously, you need help.

Hey, I’m all for grand expressions of love and all. But a televised valentine is just going way too far. Seriously, you need help.

4. Nothing says romance on Valentine’s Day like allusions to shellfish.

It's also a marriage proposal card, too, which is even more disturbing. I mean unless it's on a plate, do lobsters ever scream romance? No.

It’s also a marriage proposal card, too, which is even more disturbing. I mean unless it’s on a plate, do lobsters ever scream romance? No.

5. Speaking of sea life, check out this crazed fish hungry for a valentine.

I know this is supposed to be a fish but the fact it has a snout full of teeth kind of baffles me. Not to mention, it's wearing some sort of skimpy diving outfit.

I know this is supposed to be a fish but the fact it has a snout full of teeth kind of baffles me. Not to mention, it’s wearing some sort of skimpy diving outfit.

6. Nothing will make you feel valued like a valentine featuring a calf.

Uh, I don't think you'd want to use the word "veal" when pertaining to a calf. Also, it seems to stomp on the valentine.

Uh, I don’t think you’d want to use the word “veal” when pertaining to a calf. Also, it seems to stomp on the valentine.

7. “Okay, no tricky moves from you! This is a hold up, see?”

I guess the sex costume here is Wild West prostitute who's armed and dangerous. Then again, I think a guy might want to stay away from her.

I guess the sex costume here is Wild West prostitute who’s armed and dangerous. Then again, I think a guy might want to stay away from her.

8. “I’m prepared to meet your best defense, Valentine, so you’d better be mine!”

Okay, I think this boy might as well give up. No need for the wooden swords and pots and pans. If she doesn't want him, she doesn't want him. He can't force himself on her.

Okay, I think this boy might as well give up. No need for the wooden swords and pots and pans. If she doesn’t want him, she doesn’t want him. He can’t force himself on her.

9. This Native American prefers to have a heart roasted.

Okay, this is kind of offensive to Native Americans. If the heart roasting doesn't raise eyebrows, the speech should.

Okay, this is kind of offensive to Native Americans. If the heart roasting doesn’t raise eyebrows, the speech should.

10. “Gosh, Valentine, don’t you just like me a ‘weenie bit?'”

Of course, this can also be interpreted as, "I'm so desperate for a girlfriend that I'll settle for anything at this point." Also, don't tell me 'weenie bit' means what I think it does.

Of course, this can also be interpreted as, “I’m so desperate for a girlfriend that I’ll settle for anything at this point.” Also, don’t tell me ‘weenie bit’ means what I think it does.

11. “Hose your valentine? Me!”

From Buzzfeed: "I believe there is now an Adult film with this title." Yeah, he seems to be squeezing the nozzle a little too hard.

From Buzzfeed: “I believe there is now an Adult film with this title.” Yeah, he seems to be squeezing the nozzle a little too hard.

12. “Can’t measure my love!”

But if you can't measure one's love, what can you measure? Oh, wait, I think I see what might be going on here.

But if you can’t measure one’s love, what can you measure? Oh, wait, I think I see what might be going on here.

13. Happy Valentine’s Day, now enjoy this picture of a creepy clown dog on the violin.

This dog fiddler is the stuff of nightmares. It's not cute, especially since it has crossed eyes. Look away, I beg of you.

This dog fiddler is the stuff of nightmares. It’s not cute, especially since it has crossed eyes. Look away, I beg of you.

14. Speaking of clowns, hope this one doesn’t play a joke.

Okay, this clown makes the Joker seem like the guy you'd want to bring to a kid's birthday party. Even more disturbing is how he has his hand sticking out of the heart. Creepy.

Okay, this clown makes the Joker seem like the guy you’d want to bring to a kid’s birthday party. Even more disturbing is how he has his hand sticking out of the heart. Creepy.

15. Celebrate Valentine’s Day with love in a sausage.

However, judging by the sausage, this guy may not be looking for love. Yeah, I'm not fooled by the sausage bit.

However, judging by the sausage, this guy may not be looking for love. Yeah, I’m not fooled by the sausage bit.

16. “A valentine for you, I can’t help ‘mooning over you!'”

But explain to me how that rocket seems conveniently located between this girl's legs. Oh, and she's holding a rocket in her hand. I think I know why she might be mooning.

But explain to me how that rocket seems conveniently located between this girl’s legs. Oh, and she’s holding a rocket in her hand. I think I know why she might be mooning.

17. “I don’t want you to be my brother, I want you to be my valentine!”

Okay, that message is a little creepy and I saw Luke kissing Leia in The Empire Strikes Back. However, that woman's face makes me even more uncomfortable because the skin tones certain'y don't match.

Okay, that message is a little creepy and I saw Luke kissing Leia in The Empire Strikes Back. However, that woman’s face makes me even more uncomfortable because the skin tones certain’y don’t match.

18. “Come down ‘off your perch’ and be my valentine, you’d be a ‘birdie.'”

The fact she says this in a bird cage really makes me cringe. I guess she really wants a guy to get her out of there.

The fact she says this in a bird cage really makes me cringe. I guess she really wants a guy to get her out of there.

19. “Do you ‘tank’ you could love me?”

Not if you aim an actual tank at me asking that question. Seriously, military weapons have no place in valentines at all.

Not if you aim an actual tank at me asking that question. Seriously, military weapons have no place in valentines at all.

20. “I’m gonna plow right in and ask you to be my valentine.”

Okay, I really don't have a great feeling about this. But at least it's not being particularly forceful as far as I'm concerned.

Okay, I really don’t have a great feeling about this. But at least it’s not being particularly forceful as far as I’m concerned.

21. “I’ll camp and tramp until I find a girl like you for my valentine!”

So I guess this guy says, "So you better settle down with me or else, I'm going to spend my days as a homeless guy." Also helps if the girl's loaded with cash.

So I guess this guy says, “So you better settle down with me or else, I’m going to spend my days as a homeless guy.” Also helps if the girl’s loaded with cash.

22. Lovers, always beware of Cupid.

Is Cupid supposed to be the African tribesman that's depicted in highly racist caricature? Got it.

Is Cupid supposed to be the African tribesman that’s depicted in highly racist caricature? Got it.

23. “To be ‘frank,’ you’re ‘hot stuff!'”

Sure she may look innocent with her hotdog and fire tongs. But there's fire down below and she's holding the hotdog a little too tight.

Sure she may look innocent with her hotdog and fire tongs. But there’s fire down below and she’s holding the hotdog a little too tight.

24. This archer aims for your heart.

But whether he means to love you or kill you, I can't actually decide. But he seems to have his bow and arrows out either way.

But whether he means to love you or kill you, I can’t actually decide. But he seems to have his bow and arrows out either way.

25. “Want a little ‘harem scarem,’ for your valentine?”

Uh, girl, do you know what a harem is? If you do, are implying that you want group sex or an open relationship? Or do you just want to wear a skimpy costume?

Uh, girl, do you know what a harem is? If you do, are implying that you want group sex or an open relationship? Or do you just want to wear a skimpy costume?

26. “I’ve got my eyes on you, dear valentine!”

However, a girl with a heart head is the stuff of nightmares. No, that's not cute. That's terrifying for a V-Day horror movie.

However, a girl with a heart head is the stuff of nightmares. No, that’s not cute. That’s terrifying for a V-Day horror movie.

27. “I love being ;pushed around,’ valentine! I’m yours!”

You mean pushed around sucking real loud? Because that's what vacuums do. Oh, wait, that's kind of dirty.

You mean pushed around sucking real loud? Because that’s what vacuums do. Oh, wait, that’s kind of dirty.

28. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like being aimed at with a machine gun.

Sure that's a military themed valentine. But still, having a machine gun in one is just fucked up. Seriously, why?

Sure that’s a military themed valentine. But still, having a machine gun in one is just fucked up. Seriously, why?

29. Speaking of military weapons, get a load of this cannon.

Seems like he's a bit happier than expected. Hope the large gun isn't a metaphor for an erection.

Seems like he’s a bit happier than expected. Hope the large gun isn’t a metaphor for an erection.

30. As we all know, a nudist is bad at hiding who she fancies.

I know what you're thinking. How can they have a naked girl on a valentine like this? I'm still asking that question. Yes, she needs to get some clothes on.

I know what you’re thinking. How can they have a naked girl on a valentine like this? I’m still asking that question. Yes, she needs to get some clothes on.

31. “My heart pants for you!”

And it's hung with a bunch of women's undies on the clothes line. I can guess the hidden meaning behind that one.

And it’s hung with a bunch of women’s undies on the clothes line. I can guess the hidden meaning behind that one.

32. “You will get a big piece if you will be my valentine!”

Sorry, but a dog butcher doesn't make this valentine any less disturbing. This is especially when it has a heart on table and cleaver in paw.

Sorry, but a dog butcher doesn’t make this valentine any less disturbing. This is especially when it has a heart on table and cleaver in paw.

33. “Light of my life, do I satisfy?”

Now that can be read in any number of ways. One of them being sexually which might be what this tom cat is implying.

Now that can be read in any number of ways. One of them being sexually which might be what this tom cat is implying.

34. This Valentine’s Day, you should always have 2 on a seesaw.

Up, down, just decide and don't lead on. Of course, there are those who tend to play games with people's hearts on the playground.

Up, down, just decide and don’t lead on. Of course, there are those who tend to play games with people’s hearts on the playground.

35. Hand over your heart, or else.

Because nothing says Valentine's Day like the threat of lethal violence. How romantic!

Because nothing says Valentine’s Day like the threat of lethal violence. How romantic!

36. “I will have an axe to grind unless you’ll be my valentine!”

So I guess this means, "If you say no, I shall have to chop you to pieces." Sorry, but I'll take that risk.

So I guess this means, “If you say no, I shall have to chop you to pieces.” Sorry, but I’ll take that risk.

37. Any boy would wish to have a space themed valentine.

Kind of reminds me of Slim Pickens riding on a missile in Dr. Strangelove. Then again, it might imply something dirtier.

Kind of reminds me of Slim Pickens riding on a missile in Dr. Strangelove. Then again, it might imply something dirtier.

38. “You’re my valentine, sure as shooting.”

And he has his gun aimed like a true buckaroo. Yes, I find these gun valentines quite disturbing as always.

And he has his gun aimed like a true buckaroo. Yes, I find these gun valentines quite disturbing as always.

39. Looks like some fox’s got caught in a trap.

And he needs his valentine to open it to let his tail out. Or else he'd die. But in the meantime, he'll just sit and smell the flowers. No need to hurry.

And he needs his valentine to open it to let his tail out. Or else he’d die. But in the meantime, he’ll just sit and smell the flowers. No need to hurry.

40. Happy Valentine’s Day from the girl who’s trying to lose weight for you.

By the way, that's an old weight loss contraption called a fan belt. And no, it doesn't work. Still, ladies, if you try to lose weight, don't do it for a man.

By the way, that’s an old weight loss contraption called a fan belt. And no, it doesn’t work. Still, ladies, if you try to lose weight, don’t do it for a man.

41. Even sharks need some loving some time.

However, this green suited guy is a card shark. So I don't think he's the best kind of boyfriend. Because he might have a gambling problem. Or eat you alive.

However, this green suited guy is a card shark. So I don’t think he’s the best kind of boyfriend. Because he might have a gambling problem. Or eat you alive.

42. “Slicing baloney is not my line. I love you, my valentine.”

Okay, I might want to stay away from this creepy butcher. Really don't need that in my life.

Okay, I might want to stay away from this creepy butcher. Really don’t need that in my life.

43. If you want to show your appreciation to your teacher, this is the valentine for you.

On the other hand, teacher-student relationships should never be encouraged in any circumstances whatsoever. Doesn't help the kid is dressed in a sailor suit and holding a ruler.

On the other hand, teacher-student relationships should never be encouraged in any circumstances whatsoever. Doesn’t help the kid is dressed in a sailor suit and holding a ruler.

44. “I’m ready to show plenty of action, valentine, if you consent to be mine.”

Well, at least this boy is better about consent then the guys in some of these cards. But the projection is still kind of dirty.

Well, at least this boy is better about consent then the guys in some of these cards. But the projection is still kind of dirty.

45. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like being just out of the shower.

It's valentines like these that make me suspect that these vintage cards were made for adults. This especially goes for the ones with people naked like this.

It’s valentines like these that make me suspect that these vintage cards were made for adults. This especially goes for the ones with people naked like this.

46. “Let’s have a real blow out today!”

Or is it supposed to be blowjob? Because that's how I take it away from this picture.

Or is it supposed to be blowjob? Because that’s how I take it away from this picture.

47. Here’s a card that says, “Be my valentine, I’ll do anything like the housework.”

Well, this boy may not have much going for him. But he'll probably succeed in picking up chicks though he may not like doing chores.

Well, this boy may not have much going for him. But he’ll probably succeed in picking up chicks though he may not like doing chores. Still, he’s kind of creepy.

48. “Pick out a heart but be sure it’s mine, valentine!”

Hmmm...not sure if that's going to work since the two really don't see eye to eye. This particularly the case when one has a freakishly long neck like an ostrich or a giraffe.

Hmmm…not sure if that’s going to work since the two really don’t see eye to eye. This particularly the case when one has a freakishly long neck like an ostrich or a giraffe.

49. “Don’t be afraid, you’re going to be my valentine!”

Uh, girl, you have every right to be afraid right now. Because you're being pursued by a monstrous shadow with a card. Yeah, run for your life now.

Uh, girl, you have every right to be afraid right now. Because you’re being pursued by a monstrous shadow with a card. Yeah, run for your life now.

50. If you won’t be mind, then I’ll fade away until I’m all bones, you bonehead.

I'm sure this would be perfect if your sweetheart's a goth. Still, such sentiments from someone might mean they really need a therapist.

I’m sure this would be perfect if your sweetheart’s a goth. Still, such sentiments from someone might mean they really need a therapist.

Valentine’s Day Gifts That Really Kill the Romance

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For some couples, it’s not unusual to buy gifts for each other to express their mutual love. As for a perpetually single woman like me, I usually receive gifts of candy from my parents. Nevertheless, unless it pertains to expensive jewelry, most Valentine’s Day gifts shouldn’t be too expensive. For women, candy, roses, and a possible stuff toy will do. Jewelry is fine,too. For men, well, candy and whatever they like because Valentine’s Day isn’t the best holiday for guy gifts. Now I can talk about the best Valentine’s gifts to give your significant other all I want. But I know that you would find it boring that you’d avoid me like the plague. So instead, I’ll show you a treasure trove of possible Valentine’s Day gifts you want to avoid. Some of these are rather inappropriate. Some are just tacky beyond belief. Some are sexist. And some will more than ensure a Valentine’s Day breakup. And Valentine’s Day is the worst day for breaking up isn’t it? So for your reading pleasure, here are some stuff you want to avoid giving your sweetheart this Valentine’s Day. Some of these aren’t safe for work by the way.

  1. Deluxe Comfort Girlfriend Body Pillow
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Because there’s no gift on Valentine’s Day that says “I love you, but I’m not big on giving you affection.” That or “if your’re starved for hugs, don’t come to me.”

2. Deluxe Comfort Boyfriend Body Pillow

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It’s the kind of Valentine’s Day gift you’d expect Spock to give Uhura in the Star Trek movies. You know to show that he cares.

3. Luxury Plush Body Wrap/Blanket

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Things are sure to heat up on Valnentine’s Day wen your girlfriend puts on a dress made out of a sleeping back. C’mon, look at that sexy lady. She looks totally hot in this sexy uh, thing.

4. Control a Woman Remote Control

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Okay, I know this is supposed to be a gag gift. But it’s just so wrong on so many levels. For one, it’s incredibly sexist toward women. Second, it doesn’t work. Trust me.

5. Romantic Sweetheart Mini Garden Planter

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Well, “romantic sweetheart” for those who are members of the Munsters or the Addams Family. Still, this is incredibly creepy.

6. The Sweat-heart Sweet-shirt

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From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “It’s a sweatshirt built for two! So whether you want to take a walk in the park, go tailgating at a football game, or just to snuggle on the couch, the Sweat-Heart Sweet-Shirt will make sure your honey can’t escape.” Okay, that’s a little too close for comfort. Love that guy’s face though.

7. Smittens

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From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Smittens are perfect for the couple who loves to hold hands, but want to have their skin touching (and probably sweating) as long as they are bound together by fabric. ” I think I’ll pass on this one.

8. Cigarette Holder for Two

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Because why should it just be one of you who comes down with lung cancer? With this you can fill your lungs with tar together. And look ridiculous doing it.

9. His and Her Furniture

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Not recommended for couples with children. Or couples who entertain a lot. Or couples who have elderly parents living with them. Or anyone who doesn’t have their home decorated like a strip club.

10. His and Her Bikini Jeans

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Okay, some people might like denim and bikinis as much as the next person. However, this doesn’t mean the two things should be combined into one product. This just guarantees you to look stupid together.

11. Trouser Expander

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Because nothing says “I love you” on Valentine’s Day than making your boyfriend feel inadequate about his penis size. Ladies, you might want to avoid giving your man this. Seriously, don’t do it.

12. Oyster in a Can Pearl Necklace

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I’ve heard of homemade necklaces but this is outrageous. Seriously, guys, as far as homemade necklaces are concerned, give your girlfriend a plastic pearl one instead.

13. Brief Jerky Edible Meat Underwear

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Personally, I don’t like the idea of edible underwear at all. However, these sure give a new meaning for the word, “man meat.” Seems more like a gift to give for the beef jerky in your life.

14. Cork Pants

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Yes, these are homemade and this guy is a very brave man to pose for them. Nevertheless, just because you can craft something doesn’t mean you should. And these prove it.

15. Anti-Wrinkle Bra

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Yes, it’s a bra that’s supposed to keep your cleavage smooth and attractive as well as fight vertical boob wrinkles. Still, don’t buy a woman this ever, unless you’re looking for a break up.

16. Hug Me Jacket

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That’s a cute name for something that seems to appear from straight out of your darkest nightmares. When I look at this, I don’t think of hugs. I think of horror.

17. Love Life Calendar

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This calendar allows you to record exactly how you feel about the state of your relationship every single day. Not sure if that’s a Valentine’s Day worthy gift.

18. Pizza Hut Proposal

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When it comes to proposal dinners, this probably falls along the lines of what not to do. Unless she really likes Pizza Hut, you might want to stick to a fancy restaurant or cook the dinner yourself.

19. Elephant Poop Paper Roses

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Because there is nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than presenting your sweetheart paper roses made of what came out of an elephant’s ass. Sure they may be eco-friendly, but that doesn’t mean you should buy them for your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day.

20. His and Her Tongue Scrapers

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The Valentine’s gift that says, “I love you but your oral hygiene stinks.” Still, are tongue scrapers really necessary? Because for cleaning tongue, I usually use a toothbrush. It’s cheaper.

21. Fundies

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I know in relationships you and your partner share a lot of things like a life together. However, underwear shouldn’t be one of them.

22. Chocolate Covered Scale

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The kind of Valentine’s gift that says, “Heard you like chocolate and you’re fat.” The kind of gift given by some unrepentent jerk who wants to entice and ruin his girlfriend’s self-esteem at the same time.

23. Hooters Valentine’s Day Dinner Surprise

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Because there’s nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than a dinner date at a place known for its scantily clad, big boobed waitresses. Seriously, Hooters is the worst place to have a dinner date on Valentine’s Day for very obvious reasons.

24. 2-Carat Mug

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Sure it might come in a nice box. But don’t be fooled, ladies. He’s not proposing. He’s just giving you a Valentine’s Day gift mug. Sorry to disappoint you.

25. Diamond Ring Keychain

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I’m sure presenting your girlfriend with a keychain diamond ring won’t go well at all. She will not think it’s funny. In fact, she’ll probably be furious.

26. Man Crates Jerky Heart

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Ladies, want to please your man while sending him to an early grave to high blood pressure? This is Valentine’s Day gift you’ve been waiting for. While you’re at it, have him wash them down with some Campbell’s soup. Or just give him a carton of cigarettes.

27. “You’re My Favorite Thing To Do” Mug

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From Refinery 29: “Yes, it does look like that’s one person mercilessly strangling another. And yes, that will happen to you if you gift this to your S.O.” Also, might look a bit like rape.

28. Willie Egg Fryer

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Guess this is used as a part of an R-Rated breakfast. And I see the yolks are standing in for balls. Seriously, this is just crazy!

29. “Be Brave & Keep Going” Bracelet

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From Refinery29: “The subtext is, ‘Just keep riding until you drop off that cliff up ahead, because I never want to see you again.'” Yeah, you might be headed for a breakup after Valentine’s Day.

30. Valentine’s Day Controller

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From Refinery29: “Nothing says ‘stunted adolescence’ quite like un-ironically gifting someone milk chocolate. Oh, and the fact that it’s shaped like a PlayStation controller makes it that much worse.”

31. Papi Jock Strap

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From Refinery29: “If every kiss begins with ‘K,’ then every breakup begins with ‘performance jock strap.'” Ladies, if you love your man, avoid giving him this. Will save you a lot of trouble.

32. Shot to the Heart Pencil Holder

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From Refinery29: “This unintentionally macabre ‘shot to the heart’ desk accessory is just what the witch doctor ordered.” Yeah, that’s incredibly creepy if you ask me. Best gift for someone who’s into office work and voodoo.

33. Heart in Hand

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Sure it might seem touching. But keep in mind that this is a kitschy, disembodied hand. Probably the kind of gift that says, “I don’t know you at all.”

34. Monna Candle

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From Refinery29: “A candle that looks like if Georgia O’Keeffe designed a massive dildo for The Lord of the Rings — sign me up!”

35. Sex Checks

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From Huffington Post: “The description boasts, ‘Who says money can’t buy you love?’ which we’re pretty sure was the original slogan for prostitution.” Also, I’m sure they’re not worth anything, unlike cash.

36. The Fifty Shades of Grey Toy Collection

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Unless you and your partner are into BDSM or the E. L. James Trilogy, this says, “I have terrible taste and I’m even worse in bed.” Best to settle with flowers and candy.

37. Sex Scratch-Offs

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Compared to this, scratch off Lotto tickets are more desirable. And your chances of winning the lottery are less than being struck by a meteor. Or a satellite.

38. “Fresh Balls”