The Handbaggy World of Sensational Purses

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While being a woman has many disadvantages which are mainly due to the ever present ancient notion of sexism, one very important advantage of being female is that you can travel along carrying your stuff in a small fancy bag that goes around your arm and not be mercilessly teased about it. Whereas, when a man carries even a satchel in public, he’ll always be constantly made fun of by his friends for wearing a purse. As for why the notion of carrying a purse has always been a female privilege in modern day society (for guys did carry purses around during other historical periods, especially if they were rich), I can’t really be sure. But when it comes to carrying things around with them on a daily basis, the closest thing a man usually has to a purse is a wallet in his front pocket. Sure it might make make him less prone to purse snatchers, but keeping your things in wallets and pockets doesn’t really compensate for the storage space that a purse has to offer, especially in the 21st century when everyone carries smartphones that can’t fit into a man’s jean pocket. Not only that, but women have enjoyed purses that they’ve become a key fashion accessory with some being created by big name designers. Okay, maybe we do have men’s purses which is a $4 billion industry worldwide with designer brands. But really, in our modern day society, the men carrying purses stigma still remains strong, even though it results in men being more likely to lose or forget their belongings they’d need on a daily basis like their cellphones or wallets. So perhaps we need to bring back the male purse, which can lead to devastating consequences. Anyway, there are so many purse designs out there that come in shapes and sizes. Now I can go through the most stylish handbags, but I understand that many of you would be bored to tears since you’ve probably seen them in stores or catalogs. So instead, I’ll show you purses that might make you wonder how they even were designed for your reading pleasure.

  1. This purse literally puts the “hand” in handbag.
Not sure if I'd want to be seen carrying something like that. Might lead to people thinking I'm crazy.

Not sure if I’d want to be seen carrying something like that. Might lead to people thinking I’m crazy.

2. There’s nothing more stylish than carrying your belongings around in a ball of spikes.

On the bright side, it might deter purse snatchers which helps if you're in a very bad neighborhood. However, the spikes are probably not very sharp.

On the bright side, it might deter purse snatchers which helps if you’re in a very bad neighborhood. However, the spikes are probably not very sharp.

3. If you’re one of those Old Testament chicks, this purse is for you.

For some reason, Noah's Ark seems to be a popular motif in design. Might be due to the concept of having a lot of animals on a boat.

For some reason, Noah’s Ark seems to be a popular motif in design. Might be due to the concept of having a lot of animals on a boat.

4. This beaded ladybug purse always goes great with anything spotted and red.

You have to like the beadwork on this thing which is very intricate. Probably doesn't come cheap.

You have to like the beadwork on this thing which is very intricate. Probably doesn’t come cheap.

5. Remember not to send this envelope in the mail.

Yes, this is a letter envelope purse. I know it's not the best purse design. But if there's a will there's a way.

Yes, this is a letter envelope purse. I know it’s not the best purse design. But if there’s a will there’s a way.

6. I’m sure there’s nothing coming out from this teapot.

Because this is a teapot purse with the zipper and handle on the top. Hope the spout is well fastened.

Because this is a teapot purse with the zipper and handle on the top. Hope the spout is well fastened.

7. Not sure how you can store your things in a couple of cherries.

At least it has a nice knuckle handle for your fingers to grasp. But the best purses should leave your hand free.

At least it has a nice knuckle handle for your fingers to grasp. But the best purses should leave your hand free.

8. This Nutella purse is simply irresistible.

Wonder if there's a demand for this. Guess there are a lot of die hard Nutella fans out there.

Wonder if there’s a demand for this. Guess there are a lot of die hard Nutella fans out there.

9. In Paris, it’s best to travel with your own Eiffel Tower purse.

Then again, given Paris's prominence in fashion, many people might beg to differ. Still, the Eiffel Tower purse exist for those who want to know.

Then again, given Paris’s prominence in fashion, many people might beg to differ. Still, the Eiffel Tower purse exist for those who want to know.

10. Keep your small belongings safe in this beaded Mexican skull purse.

Sure the subject may be a little disturbing but the decoration is very intricate. Love the flowers.

Sure the subject may be a little disturbing but the decoration is very intricate. Love the flowers.

11. This purse really seems to have teeth to it.

Well, in this case literally. Still, it's the kind of change purse you'd expect Morticia Addams to have with her.

Well, in this case literally. Still, it’s the kind of change purse you’d expect Morticia Addams to have with her.

12. Think panda bears are adorable? Then check out this purse.

Well, this one zips from the side and it doesn't use the black and white panda bear colors. But you might find it at a zoo souvenir store.

Well, this one zips from the side and it doesn’t use the black and white panda bear colors. But you might find it at a zoo souvenir store.

13. Keep your things with you in this purse of this Coca Cola can.

Not sure if the can is recycled or not. Wouldn't be surprised if it is. Still, comes with a nice clasp and chain.

Not sure if the can is recycled or not. Wouldn’t be surprised if it is. Still, comes with a nice clasp and chain.

14. This washing machine purse is great for days at the laundromat.

Yes, this is a washing machine purse with little clothes in the front. Never seen anything like that before. Not sure why anyone would buy it.

Yes, this is a washing machine purse with little clothes in the front. Never seen anything like that before. Not sure why anyone would buy it.

15. Keep wrappers in your purse? Well, this one is made from them.

I've seen quite a few of these on Pinterest. Sometimes it's not always apparent. But I chose this one since the wrappers really stand out here.

I’ve seen quite a few of these on Pinterest. Sometimes it’s not always apparent. But I chose this one since the wrappers really stand out here.

16. This pineapple purse might put you in a tropical mood.

The bottom part is in a basket weave to somewhat resemble a pineapple. The top has the large leaves. Try carrying that around with you.

The bottom part is in a basket weave to somewhat resemble a pineapple. The top has the large leaves. Try carrying that around with you.

17. These pancake purses make it seem like breakfast never leaves you.

As you see, they come in two types with the butter and syrup you see on the box as well as spotted. Which to choose is up to you.

As you see, they come in two types with the butter and syrup you see on the box as well as spotted. Which to choose is up to you.

18. This hippie fan purse might make you yearn for the days of Woodstock.

Or what you'd imagine about Woodstock anyway. However, since I saw the documentary, I have to concede that Woodstock reminds me somewhat of a disaster area towards the end.

Or what you’d imagine about Woodstock anyway. However, since I saw the documentary, I have to concede that Woodstock reminds me somewhat of a disaster area towards the end.

19. This X-Ray purse comes with a rather sharp spinal image.

Yes, this purse has an X-Ray image. Yes, I know it's freaky. But there's a purse of it so someone must've thought it was cool.

Yes, this purse has an X-Ray image. Yes, I know it’s freaky. But there’s a purse of it so someone must’ve thought it was cool.

20. This train engine purse is handy for on the go.

Not to mention, it'll help you get on track, too. Like the golden fixtures on this. Definitely not cheap.

Not to mention, it’ll help you get on track, too. Like the golden fixtures on this. Definitely not cheap.

21. This jeweled jellyfish purse comes with all the ribbons.

Not sure if it was called a jellyfish purse per se. But it certainly looks like one with the dome shape and the ribbons. Kind of quaint for a sea creature that kills more people than sharks.

Not sure if it was called a jellyfish purse per se. But it certainly looks like one with the dome shape and the ribbons. Kind of quaint for a sea creature that kills more people than sharks.

22. With these dog purses, you can always keep your things secure.

They come in several types though only 4 are shown here. Still, wonder what people think of anyone carrying a purse like this to work.

They come in several types though only 4 are shown here. Still, wonder what people think of anyone carrying a purse like this to work.

23. You might be able to open this purse with the right combination.

To open it turn it twice clockwise to get to the first number, counter-clockwise once to get to the second, and once clockwise to get to the third. Then again, I might have the process mixed up.

To open it turn it twice clockwise to get to the first number, counter-clockwise once to get to the second, and once clockwise to get to the third. Then again, I might have the process mixed up.

24. Ever wish you can carry your things in a Chanel bottle? Now you can.

Doesn't hurt that the bottle is transparent, especially when you're at the airport. Then again, maybe it does since it might contain things you don't want others to see.

Doesn’t hurt that the bottle is transparent, especially when you’re at the airport. Then again, maybe it does since it might contain things you don’t want others to see.

25. This beaded parrot purse has a rather tropical disposition.

Not sure if I ever saw a parrot that looked like this in real life. Then again, maybe real life parrot patterns don't matter as much in design.

Not sure if I ever saw a parrot that looked like this in real life. Then again, maybe real life parrot patterns don’t matter as much in design.

26. This jeweled rose purse surely shines a brilliant red.

Yet, it's so pretty that you might not want to risk damaging it. Love the gold on the petals.

Yet, it’s so pretty that you might not want to risk damaging it. Love the gold on the petals.

27. Heard this candy corn purse is all the rage on Halloween.

Then again due to its sugary wax taste, candy corn is among the most contentious Halloween candies ever. So I'm probably wrong about it being chic.

Then again due to its sugary wax taste, candy corn is among the most contentious Halloween candies ever. So I’m probably wrong about it being chic.

28. If you have lipstick in your makeup bag, why not have a lipstick purse?

I was going to go with a chapstick purse, but I heard it has a high tendency to get lost before you're done with it. So I'm playing it safe.

I was going to go with a chapstick purse, but I heard it has a high tendency to get lost before you’re done with it. So I’m playing it safe.

29. Heard of a Faberge egg? How about a Faberge egg purse?

This one is in an ornate bead design. However, it wasn't made by Faberge though. But I like it anyway.

This one is in an ornate bead design. However, it wasn’t made by Faberge though. But I like it anyway.

30. Those who like their curd may want to cheddar this cheese purse.

Not sure what kind of cheese that is or whether it comes in different types. But since it's incredibly strange, I'll put it on this post.

Not sure what kind of cheese that is or whether it comes in different types. But since it’s incredibly strange, I’ll put it on this post.

31. Carry your things around in a purse with a doll’s head and feet.

Definitely a purse not to bring with you to a job interview. Or work. Or a family gathering. Or any public function at all.

Definitely a purse not to bring with you to a job interview. Or work. Or a family gathering. Or any public function at all.

32. This purse has been held together by recycled pop tabs.

Well, at least the outside is held by pop tabs. Not sure if I buy into an art that depends on people's negative health habits. Seriously, soft drinks are really bad for you.

Well, at least the outside is held by pop tabs. Not sure if I buy into an art that depends on people’s negative health habits. Seriously, soft drinks are really bad for you.

33. This conch shell purse certainly has plenty of space.

Well, it leaves plenty of shell room unlike the other shell purses. Not sure if I'd like to carry it around with me though.

Well, it leaves plenty of shell room unlike the other shell purses. Not sure if I’d like to carry it around with me though.

34. This Formula race car purse will come in handy in no time.

Not sure if they have one from NASCAR. Yet, at any rate, I don't really consider car racing a real sport.

Not sure if they have one from NASCAR. Yet, at any rate, I don’t really consider car racing a real sport.

35. This wooden purse seems to have a rather interesting design.

Looks like it's made from light wood and is not very water resistant. I mean it has holes in it. Not very practical to say the least.

Looks like it’s made from light wood and is not very water resistant. I mean it has holes in it. Not very practical to say the least.

36. If you want your purse to jingle, how about one with dangling fingers?

Okay, that's a little messed up. Doesn't help that the fingers are painted and seem a little detatched. Creepy.

Okay, that’s a little messed up. Doesn’t help that the fingers are painted and seem a little detatched. Creepy.

37. Remember those instant Polaroid cameras? Well, there’s a purse of that.

I call these type of cameras Polaroids because that's the company that made the best known ones. But I understand Polaroid makes normal looking cameras as well.

I call these type of cameras Polaroids because that’s the company that made the best known ones. But I understand Polaroid makes normal looking cameras as well.

38. Looking at her purse, you know she’s loaded.

Didn't know the NRA had a hand in purse design. Still, this purse seems to give me the creeps.

Didn’t know the NRA had a hand in purse design. Still, this purse seems to give me the creeps.

39. This little doll purse from Chanel can keep your things safe and sound.

Looks a bit like a Russian nesting doll to me but the faces seem like you'd put on Japanese figures. Still, I think it's cute.

Looks a bit like a Russian nesting doll to me but the faces seem like you’d put on Japanese figures. Still, I think it’s cute.

40. How about keep your things in this chicken purse down on the farm?

Technically it's a chicken medicine bag but that's beside the point. But I thought this was worth clucking about.

Technically it’s a chicken medicine bag but that’s beside the point. But I thought this was worth clucking about.

41. This car purse comes in two different coats.

And you can zip through them if you want to. Then again, it looks better in black than hot pink.

And you can zip through them if you want to. Then again, it looks better in black than hot pink.

42. Hope you can rewind with this audio cassette purse.

It's also great for stumping young children who probably don't know what an audio cassette is. Of course, they may not know what rewind is either.

It’s also great for stumping young children who probably don’t know what an audio cassette is. Of course, they may not know what rewind is either.

43. Carrying this basketball purse will show that you’re a hit on the court.

Well, at least it has more room than a football or baseball purse. But looks just as ridiculous.

Well, at least it has more room than a football or baseball purse. But looks just as ridiculous.

44. This Ouija board purse is great for carrying your belongings and communicating with the dead.

Make sure you're in a private spot when you do the latter. Still, this is pretty clever.

Make sure you’re in a private spot when you do the latter. Still, this is pretty clever.

45. This take out purse can be quite handy when you’re on the town.

Well, at least it's more durable than an actual Chinese take out box. But I wouldn't consider it wise to put rice in it.

Well, at least it’s more durable than an actual Chinese take out box. But I wouldn’t consider it wise to put rice in it.

46. This C-3PO purse is at your service.

Still, I think an R2-D2 purse would make more sense since he's usually saving everyone's ass. C-3PO usually whines or gets broken apart.

Still, I think an R2-D2 purse would make more sense since he’s usually saving everyone’s ass. C-3PO usually whines or gets broken apart.

47. You know the ice bucket with a bottle of champagne? Well, there’s a purse of that.

It's even beaded for good measure. Not sure if I'd want to take it with me but it has a nice bucket design.

It’s even beaded for good measure. Not sure if I’d want to take it with me but it has a nice bucket design.

48. Anyone who loves cute critters would enjoy this squirrel purse.

Even comes with its own bushy tail near the handle. Not sure about the rest of it.

Even comes with its own bushy tail near the handle. Not sure about the rest of it.

49. This purse seems to be rather zippy if you look closely.

It's made from zippers or zipper flies as you can see close up. Expect it do jingle when you carry it.

It’s made from zippers or zipper flies as you can see close up. Expect it do jingle when you carry it.

50. This skull purse is made from fine red leather.

Maybe, but it's not one that you'd want to carry in public. People might think you're a bit crazy. I mean this is kind of creepy.

Maybe, but it’s not one that you’d want to carry in public. People might think you’re a bit crazy. I mean this is kind of creepy.

51. Carrying this purse with you might help you get a head.

You have to wonder what kind of people are willing to buy purses like these. Because this is just really messed up.

You have to wonder what kind of people are willing to buy purses like these. Because this is just really messed up.

52. Heard of a beehive haircut? How about a beehive purse?

Even has a couple bees buzzing around it. Yet, if you try to take it, you might risk getting stung.

Even has a couple bees buzzing around it. Yet, if you try to take it, you might risk getting stung.

53. Now this is a kind of purse Schrodinger would approve.

Except that there's not a live counterpart if you get Schrodinger's cat paradox. But this is another crazy designed purse I don't understand.

Except that there’s not a live counterpart if you get Schrodinger’s cat paradox. But this is another crazy designed purse I don’t understand.

54. Old license plates can sometimes be reused as purses if you look at these.

Okay, maybe not. But these two could make an interesting conversation piece. Do they have one for each state?

Okay, maybe not. But these two could make an interesting conversation piece. Do they have one for each state?

55. Fans of Silence of the Lambs would enjoy owning this Hannibal Lecter purse.

Hannibal Lecter on a purse? Seriously, this guy is a psychopathic killer who eats his victims. Having a purse of him is very messed up.

Hannibal Lecter on a purse? Seriously, this guy is a psychopathic killer who eats his victims. Having a purse of him is very messed up.

56. If you enjoy underwater life, this purse is for you.

It's certainly a colorful display if you ask me. Not sure if you'd want to carry it around since things might fall off it after some use.

It’s certainly a colorful display if you ask me. Not sure if you’d want to carry it around since things might fall off it after some use.

57. This dice purse comes in 6 sides like a cube.

And the sides even come in different colors as well as patterns. Well as a far as I see it.

And the sides even come in different colors as well as patterns. Well as a far as I see it.

58. This owl purse will surely be a hoot.

Seems like there's a lot of owl stuff. Maybe it's because they have those big eyes and distinctive face.

Seems like there’s a lot of owl stuff. Maybe it’s because they have those big eyes and distinctive face.

59. Some may think this burger purse is good enough to eat.

However, they seem to have the toppings in the wrong way. The burger goes on the bottom while everything else is on top. The cheese is usually closest to the bun.

However, they seem to have the toppings in the wrong way. The burger goes on the bottom while everything else is on top. The cheese is usually closest to the bun.

60. Things seem to get a bit stormy in this purse.

Well, it's a storm cloud purse with lightning bolts dangling from it. The cloud is in beads.

Well, it’s a storm cloud purse with lightning bolts dangling from it. The cloud is in beads.

61. This violin purse comes with its own convenient back strap.

So if it comes with one strap, is it considered a backpack? I'm confused on this.

So if it comes with one strap, is it considered a backpack? I’m confused on whether this qualifies as one or not.

62. This jeweled peacock purse has s full feathered display.

I think this might be an older purse design since Pinterest says it's vintage. But I like how the peacock blue stones are encased in gold.

I think this might be an older purse design since Pinterest says it’s vintage. But I like how the peacock blue stones are encased in gold.

63. This map purse may not help you get to where you need to go, but it will keep your things in order.

Yes, this is a map design purse. Not sure what it's of. Hell, it could be some fantasy land for all I care. But I doubt it.

Yes, this is a map design purse. Not sure what it’s of. Hell, it could be some fantasy land for all I care. But I doubt it.

64. With this purse, you can be the queen of the deck.

Or in Alice in Wonderland, the ax crazy bitch who flips out over finding out that card soldiers painted her roses. I'm talking about the Queen of Hearts.

Or in Alice in Wonderland, the ax crazy bitch who flips out over finding out that card soldiers painted her roses. I’m talking about the Queen of Hearts.

65. No, I don’t think you should put snacks in this bag.

This is a popcorn bucket purse. More durable for cardboard but not suited for food at all.

This is a popcorn bucket purse. More durable for cardboard but not suited for food at all.

66. Hope you know the keys off of this purse.

Well, it's a small piano keyboard. But since it's a purse, it may not be a great for doing scales.

Well, it’s a small piano keyboard. But since it’s a purse, it may not be a great for doing scales.

67. Ever wish you can carry a purse this big?

However, I'm not sure if airports would designate it as a purse or carry on luggage. Could go either way.

However, I’m not sure if airports would designate it as a purse or carry on luggage. Could go either way.

68. Wonder how much you can fit in a milk carton? Now you can with this purse.

Warning: Not meant for milk storage at all. Seriously, pouring milk in it might cause serious damage.

Warning: Not meant for milk storage at all. Seriously, pouring milk in it might cause serious damage. But you probably knew that.

69. This rainbow ice cream purse can’t be sweeter.

It's even encrusted so it can sparkle. Hope it brings you endless joy that you can't get from unicorns.

It’s even encrusted so it can sparkle. Hope it brings you endless joy that you can’t get from unicorns.

70. As if anything couldn’t be sweeter, take a look at these cupcake purses.

Like the ice cream cone, they're also encrusted with jewels to stand out. So pretty they're almost good enough to eat. Only not really.

Like the ice cream cone, they’re also encrusted with jewels to stand out. So pretty they’re almost good enough to eat. Only not really.

71. Hope you don’t take this watering can with you to the garden.

Yes, it's a watering can purse. No, it doesn't hold water since it's made from cloth. There's a difference.

Yes, it’s a watering can purse. No, it doesn’t hold water since it’s made from cloth. There’s a difference.

72. Those who love cats, may adore these cat face purses.

Come in 4 different expressions like sad, angry, normal, and downright evil. Then again, cat faces are hard to read.

Come in 4 different expressions like sad, angry, normal, and downright evil. Then again, cat faces are hard to read.

73. Ever wish you could have a purse made from a dead animal.

Chances are you might already have one made from cow leather. But this critter purse is pure taxidermy. Creepy.

Chances are you might already have one made from cow leather. But this critter purse is pure taxidermy. Creepy.

74. Those who adore flower gardens will love this flowery purse.

Sure there are only red and white flowers on there. But it does seem like a sight to behold.

Sure there are only red and white flowers on there. But it does seem like a sight to behold.

75. This stove purse is perfect for any diva in the kitchen.

Even depicts a pie in the oven as well as the buttons and controls. So clever.

Even depicts a pie in the oven as well as the buttons and controls. So clever.

76. This alien purse is really out of this world.

Doesn't hurt that it's bright green so it's easy to see. Still, though it's all right to believe we're not alone in the universe, I would flip out if anyone thinks that aliens built the pyramids or are responsible for much of human civilization. Because that's not what the historical evidence says.

Doesn’t hurt that it’s bright green so it’s easy to see. Still, though it’s all right to believe we’re not alone in the universe, I would flip out if anyone thinks that aliens built the pyramids or are responsible for much of human civilization. Because that’s not what the historical evidence says.

77. For a more crusty surface, go with this baguette purse.

It's not as long as the usual baguette. But save for the straps and tag, it almost seems like the real thing.

It’s not as long as the usual baguette. But save for the straps and tag, it almost seems like the real thing.

78. These cow purses are as good as any udder.

Available in two types. So if a woman carries one like this around, could you say she's a real bossy?

Available in two types. So if a woman carries one like this around, could you say she’s a real bossy?

79. Looks like this purse has put on a lot of hair.

Yes, it might look nice. But I'm sure the hair could get on everything. Probably go with something more practical.

Yes, it might look nice. But I’m sure the hair could get on everything. Probably go with something more practical.

80. This brass knuckle purse should help you get a grip on things.

This one even comes in a pink handle for good measure. Still, kind of find it a bit disturbing that they have a purse with a handle that's used as a weapon.

This one even comes in a pink handle for good measure. Still, kind of find it a bit disturbing that they have a purse with a handle that’s used as a weapon.

81. This chocolate bar purse is a sure delight for chocolate lovers everywhere.

Too bad you can't eat what's on the outside. But you have to ask whether it's from Hershey or Nestle.

Too bad you can’t eat what’s on the outside. But you have to ask whether it’s from Hershey or Nestle.

82. This jar purse is great for anyone in a jam.

Not sure what flavor it's supposed to be. But it almost resembles a mason jar if it weren't for the bright blue exterior.

Not sure what flavor it’s supposed to be. But it almost resembles a mason jar if it weren’t for the bright blue exterior.

83. That’s a kind of crab that I’ve never seen before.

Not sure if it's designer but it takes awhile to see the crab. But I knew when I saw its claws and feet.

Not sure if it’s designer but it takes awhile to see the crab. But I knew when I saw its claws and feet.

84. Don’t worry, that’s a cleaver purse, not a meat cleaver.

Doesn't help that it's a bloodied cleaver as if it's been used for an ax murder. Yeah, not a good purse to have.

Doesn’t help that it’s a bloodied cleaver as if it’s been used for an ax murder. Yeah, not a good purse to have.

85. There are some who thought these corset purses would be a bust.

Not sure what I think about boob chest purses. I think I might've saw some at Gabe's. And even then, I kind of thought these were freaky.

Not sure what I think about boob chest purses. I think I might’ve saw some at Gabe’s. And even then, I kind of thought these were freaky.

86. This assault rifle purse will surely come in with a bang.

You got to be kidding me. An assault rifle purse? Then again, not as crazy as owning an actual assault rifle.

You got to be kidding me. An assault rifle purse? Then again, not as crazy as owning an actual assault rifle.

87. This dachshund will keep your things on a leash.

I saw a few of these on Pinterest. Apparently, they might be a thing. This one is in plaid.

I saw a few of these on Pinterest. Apparently, they might be a thing. This one is in plaid.

88. Hope these guitar purses rock your world.

One of them has Elvis on the strap. The other is just a plain old guitar purse.

One of them has Elvis on the strap. The other is just a plain old guitar purse.

89. How about carrying this egg purse around at breakfast?

Might go well with a bacon strips purse. But I'm not sure if there's a bacon purse that exists. Probably is.

Might go well with a bacon strips purse. But I’m not sure if there’s a bacon purse that exists. Probably is.

90. This eye purse can see all.

Well, at least it's not an eyeball purse. Now that would be disgusting. But this one is quite creepy.

Well, at least it’s not an eyeball purse. Now that would be disgusting. But this one is quite creepy.

91. If you want a sturdy purse, a log one will surely do just fine.

Seems a bit rotted doesn't it? Then again, the log may not be real. At least I hope it's not.

Seems a bit rotted doesn’t it? Then again, the log may not be real. At least I hope it’s not.

92. Follow your bliss with this fortune cookie purse.

Opens from the outer edge, Though some people open a fortune cookie quite differently like from the center.

Opens from the outer edge, Though some people open a fortune cookie quite differently like from the center.

93. Hope this purse also proves to be a valuable shield.

Well, that's a large ornate purse she has. Sure it's leather, but its shield seems like it was made from metal.

Well, that’s a large ornate purse she has. Sure it’s leather, but its shield seems like it was made from metal.

94. Ever wish you could put your change in a dead rat? Now you can.

Okay, that's really disgusting. Seriously, whoever did this one has a sick imagination. Yet, on the bright side, might deter muggers.

Okay, that’s really disgusting. Seriously, whoever did this one has a sick imagination. Yet, on the bright side, might deter muggers.

95. This book purse seems like it’s straight off the shelf.

Well, it kind of does see that way if it weren't for the handle. Still, love how the books are lined with gold.

Well, it kind of does see that way if it weren’t for the handle. Still, love how the books are lined with gold.

96. This coffin purse surely helps nail it in.

Seems to have a mirror on the inside. Nevertheless, unless you're Lily Munster, I'm not sure why anyone would want it.

Seems to have a mirror on the inside. Nevertheless, unless you’re Lily Munster, I’m not sure why anyone would want it.

97. This donut purse comes with its own handcuffs.

Hmmm...donuts and handcuffs. wonder what they have in common. Oh, I get it, both are associated with police.

Hmmm…donuts and handcuffs. wonder what they have in common. Oh, I get it, both are associated with police.

98. Hope this purse gets through airport security without a hitch.

Because it seems to show what's seen in the TSA X-Ray. Then again, the agent isn't buying it.

Because it seems to show what’s seen in the TSA X-Ray. Then again, the agent isn’t buying it.

99. I’m sure this dynamite purse isn’t a mere ticking time bomb.

Now that's a purse you wouldn't be able to get pass the TSA. Because it really looks like a bomb. Wonder how anyone could explain that.

Now that’s a purse you wouldn’t be able to get pass the TSA. Because it really looks like a bomb. Wonder how anyone could explain that.

100. Even Cinderella would envy you if you carry around this coach purse.

This one has silver wheels and a silver door. Sure it seems a bit from a fairy tale, but I like it.

This one has silver wheels and a silver door. Sure it seems a bit from a fairy tale, but I like it.

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Be the Fairest One of All in These Disney Princess Costumes

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As you may know, Disney tends to be known for their official Disney Princess franchise which consist of female protagonists who’ve appeared in their movies and somehow left a mark on pop culture. They could be royal by birth, royal by marriage, or just be a kickass heroine in her own right. Let’s just say Disney throws the term rather loosely. As of 2016, the official Disney Princess line-up consists of Snow White, Aurora, Cinderella, Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Pocahontas, Mulan, Tiana, Rapunzel, and Merida. There are also unofficial Disney Princesses who aren’t included since their films didn’t do well at the box office, marketing wasn’t successful, or they’re too young. Or in Anna and Elsa’s case, their franchise was so successful that it was irrelevant for them to be included in the line-up. But since Mulan and Pocahontas can be official Disney Princesses, I’m just going to play fast and loose with the term and include the unofficial line-up. After all, when you want to do a post about Disney Princesses, I’d rather just go by the line-ups according to the fans, not the franchise.

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As you can see, a lot of Disney Princesses tend to have a wardrobe full of iconic outfits you’ve seen in their movies. And it’s not unusual for many Disney fans to dress up as these leading ladies either whether it be for Halloween, on a Disney trip, or for a convention. So for your royal reading pleasure, I present to you a treasure trove of Disney Princess costumes considered the fairest ones of all.

 

  1. Guess Snow White bit into the wrong apple.
You know what they say about not taking food from strangers. Now she needs a guy to kiss her so she can come back to life.

You know what they say about not taking food from strangers. Now she needs a guy to kiss her so she can come back to life.

2. Seems like Cinderella started doing chores for her stepmother and stepsisters at a young age.

This is a baby Cinderella in rags costume. Wonder if it comes with its own little broom and dust bin.

This is a baby Cinderella in rags costume. Wonder if it comes with its own little broom and dust bin.

3. Here we have Ariel washed up on the beach.

And I see she has straps to her purple seashell bra. I'm sure Ariel didn't have that in the movie.

And I see she has straps to her purple seashell bra. I’m sure Ariel didn’t have that in the movie.

4. In Thebes, Megara wears a simple purple Grecian gown.

Yes, I know Megara isn't an official Disney Princess. But being a daughter of Creon, she's a royal by blood. Also think this costume is amazing.

Yes, I know Megara isn’t an official Disney Princess. But being a daughter of Creon, she’s a royal by blood. Also think this costume is amazing.

5. Looks like Queen Elsa is letting it all go at the moment.

And it seems like she's changing her coronation dress in favor of a blue Snow Queen gown. But she had Arendale suffer eternal winter in the process.

And it seems like she’s changing her coronation dress in favor of a blue Snow Queen gown. But she had Arendale suffer eternal winter in the process.

6. Princess Anna has just put on her winter get up to search for her sister in the snow.

Well, that's a cute costume. Not sure if it's good for increment weather. But I like it.

Well, that’s a cute costume. Not sure if it’s good for increment weather. But I like it.

7. Seems like Cinderella doesn’t like being bossed around by her wicked stepmother and ugly stepsisters.

This one has a little girl dressed up as Cinderella with Disney costumed characters. It's kind of adorable and it seems like the evil stepmother and stepsisters are good sports.

This one has a little girl dressed up as Cinderella with Disney costumed characters. It’s kind of adorable and it seems like the evil stepmother and stepsisters are good sports.

8. Seems like the jungle has a little Jane Porter in their midst.

Sure Jane isn't an official Disney Princess. But I think this photo op is so cute. Like the little girl's dress.

Sure Jane isn’t an official Disney Princess. But I think this photo op is so cute. Like the little girl’s dress.

9. Pocahontas always has a soft spot for her woodland creature friends.

This is her with Meeko the raccoon. She has hummingbird friend, too. But I forget its name. Is it Flick?

This is her with Meeko the raccoon. She has hummingbird friend, too. But I forget its name. Is it Flick?

10. Man, Genie always has to appear at the worst moments does he?

I'm not sure what to think about that Jasmine costume. But I do love Genie's.

I’m not sure what to think about that Jasmine costume. But I do love Genie’s.

11. Here we have Belle in the garden with a rose in hand.

And in her yellow ball gown, too. However, if she was outside, I'd think she'd be wearing something else. Like her normal blue dress.

And in her yellow ball gown, too. However, if she was outside, I’d think she’d be wearing something else. Like her normal blue dress.

12. Sometimes a beauty comes with a little beast.

I guess these two are brother and sister. Love the little boy's beast outfit. So cute.

I guess these two are brother and sister. Love the little boy’s beast outfit. So cute.

13. This steampunk Snow White comes with a goggles and gas mask.

I can tell because she's dressed in primary colors and has an apple in hand. Still, I think this outfit is pretty.

I can tell because she’s dressed in primary colors and has an apple in hand. Still, I think this outfit is pretty.

14. Looks like Snow White isn’t the only one calling dibs on her prince.

Uh, don't the other ladies have men in their lives? Also, Snow White's prince doesn't really do much of anything except kiss her out of a coma.

Uh, don’t the other ladies have men in their lives? Also, Snow White’s prince doesn’t really do much of anything except kiss her out of a coma.

15. In her mother’s pink dress, Cinderella is all set for the ball.

Until her stepsisters end up defacing it to ruin at her stepmother's insistence. Fortunately, she has her Fairy Godmother to help her this time.

Until her stepsisters end up defacing it to ruin at her stepmother’s insistence. Fortunately, she has her Fairy Godmother to help her this time.

16. For the love of God, Snow White, don’t take the apple.

I think this is a mother and daughter cosplay. Nevertheless, this Snow White is so adorable in her little dress.

I think this is a mother and daughter cosplay. Nevertheless, this Snow White is so adorable in her little dress.

17. This little Pocahontas is confident she can paint with all the colors of the wind.

And she doesn't look much younger than the real Pocahontas in 1607. Still, like how they did the necklace.

And she doesn’t look much younger than the real Pocahontas in 1607. Still, like how they did the necklace.

18. In Disney, even a princess isn’t below dressing in rags and doing chores.

This little girl is dressed as Snow White in rags. And here she is with a Snow White at Disney. Seems so proud.

This little girl is dressed as Snow White in rags. And here she is with a Snow White at Disney. Seems so proud.

19. Jane Porter can never do without a parasol in the African jungle.

I know Jane's outfit isn't suited for the African climate. But a Victorian lady must keep up appearances even when it's inconvenient.

I know Jane’s outfit isn’t suited for the African climate. But a Victorian lady must keep up appearances even when it’s inconvenient.

20. As a mermaid, Ariel is bound to sparkle.

And here she is with her Prince Eric. I know that she has a mermaid dress and a sparkly bra. But it'll do.

And here she is with her Prince Eric. I know that she has a mermaid dress and a sparkly bra. But it’ll do.

21. Guess this little girl makes a perfect Pocahontas.

Well, this costume is almost close to the real thing. And this girl doesn't seem much younger than the real Pocahontas either. So cute.

Well, this costume is almost close to the real thing. And this girl doesn’t seem much younger than the real Pocahontas either. So cute.

22. Seems like Cinderella showed her ungrateful folks.

These women are great in their roles. And the little girl in the Cinderella gown is smiling. Love it.

These women are great in their roles. And the little girl in the Cinderella gown is smiling. Love it.

23. This Belle gown seems quite fancy for some reason.

Doesn't look like the one in Beauty and the Beast. But it doesn't look bad. Might be a little heavy though.

Doesn’t look like the one in Beauty and the Beast. But it doesn’t look bad. Might be a little heavy though.

24. Apparently, Jasmine has to accept that Aladdin can’t go without his little monkey.

You may notice that there are more modest Jasmine costumes out there. But this family photo op is adorable.

You may notice that there are more modest Jasmine costumes out there. But this family photo op is adorable.

25. Seems like Gaston can be quite a gentlemen when he wants to.

Even so, I don't this little Belle is going to accept him. But it makes a cute photo op.

Even so, I don’t this little Belle is going to accept him. But it makes a cute photo op.

26. For Belle, there must be something more than this provincial life.

And here she is with a book in her hand. Just like you'd see in Beauty and the Beast. Love it.

And here she is with a book in her hand. Just like you’d see in Beauty and the Beast. Love it.

27. Looks like Ariel is spending some quality time with her father King Triton.

Maybe. But I think the guy thought that King Triton was much cooler. After all, he has a muscular build, a long white beard, and a golden trident. And he tends to sound fairly reasonable to a point.

Maybe. But I think the guy thought that King Triton was much cooler. After all, he has a muscular build, a long white beard, and a golden trident. And he tends to sound fairly reasonable to a point.

28. Seems like Merida has chosen a suitor.

Then again, this is a couple's costume idea. Still, I think it's quite amusing with the guy showing off.

Then again, this is a couple’s costume idea. Still, I think it’s quite amusing with the guy showing off.

29. Here we have our Disney Princesses and back from the grave.

Hmmm.....zombie disney princesses. Not sure whether it's a great idea. But it sure is an interesting one.

Hmmm…..zombie disney princesses. Not sure whether it’s a great idea. But it sure is an interesting one.

30. Ariel is just going to dip her feet in the water for awhile.

I think this might be a more doable Ariel costume. At least it only consists of a bow and a dress. Hope the skirt doesn't get wet.

I think this might be a more doable Ariel costume. At least it only consists of a bow and a dress. Hope the skirt doesn’t get wet.

31. Apparently, Jasmine simply looks stunning in red.

This is a slave Jasmine costume when she was held prisoner and Jafar took over the palace. Thankfully, Aladdin had Genie around to save the day.

This is a slave Jasmine costume when she was held prisoner and Jafar took over the palace. Thankfully, Aladdin had Genie around to save the day.

32. Normally, Esmeralda tends to stand near a wall waiting for people to entertain.

Well, she 's a Gypsy street performer in Paris. It's part of her job. And even that has its lows now and then.

Well, she ‘s a Gypsy street performer in Paris. It’s part of her job. And even that has its lows now and then.

33. Come winter, you can see Belle in her red snow cape.

She wore this when she and the Beast were feeding birds. Like when the birds are all over the Beast.

She wore this when she and the Beast were feeding birds. Like when the birds are all over the Beast.

34. In armor like this, Mulan took on the Huns and saved Captain Shang’s life.

However, she got wounded, was discovered as a woman, and got left for dead. However, she gets better. Like how this woman used black construction paper as armor plating.

However, she got wounded, was discovered as a woman, and got left for dead. However, she gets better. Like how this woman used black construction paper as armor plating.

35. Guess Belle and her B-I mean prince are doing quite well lately.

Didn't know the Beast had a lighter hair color. But Belle's gown sure looks stunning here.

Didn’t know the Beast had a lighter hair color. But Belle’s gown sure looks stunning here.

36. Even a little Cinderella always needs a stick in hand.

Yes, it's another little girl as Cinderella in rags. And yes, she's just as endearing and adorable.

Yes, it’s another little girl as Cinderella in rags. And yes, she’s just as endearing and adorable.

37. Instead of waiting for your prince to come, perhaps dress as your prince.

Unless you're Princess Jasmine. Because women's toplessness tends to be frowned upon. Unless she's dressed as Prince Ali.

Unless you’re Princess Jasmine. Because women’s toplessness tends to be frowned upon. Unless she’s dressed as Prince Ali.

38. For some reason, Belle hasn’t been full of life lately.

She seems more undead than anything these days. And the blood on her dress is making her seem a bit beastly.

She seems more undead than anything these days. And the blood on her dress is making her seem a bit beastly.

39. A little girl who’s wheelchair bound can go as Cinderella in her coach.

And one that can even light up, too. Really like how they did this. Girl must be so happy.

And one that can even light up, too. Really like how they did this. Girl must be so happy.

40. With providing housekeeping for a stepmother and 2 stepsisters, Cinderella can really use a break.

And it seems Cinderella has her day cut out for her. No wonder she wanted to go to the ball.

And it seems Cinderella has her day cut out for her. No wonder she really wanted to go to the ball.

41. Only the most worthy is worth Jasmine’s heart even if he’s a diamond in the rough.

Of course, he probably won her over by pretending to be a prince. Then again, Jasmine might've known better. Not sure if it'll lead to major trust issues.

Of course, he probably won her over by pretending to be a prince. Then again, Jasmine might’ve known better. Not sure if it’ll lead to major trust issues.

42. Anyone can be a Disney Princess. Doesn’t matter who you are.

Well, I've seen women dress up as superheroes and sci-fi characters. So I don't see why a man shouldn't dress as a Disney Princess if he wants to.

Well, I’ve seen women dress up as superheroes and sci-fi characters. So I don’t see why a man shouldn’t dress as a Disney Princess if he wants to.

43. If you liked Frozen, then Anna and Elsa costumes are perfect for 2 sisters.

After all, the movie is a story of sisterly love. And these girls look so cute in their costumes.

After all, the movie is a story of sisterly love. And these girls look so cute in their costumes.

44. Introducing warrior princess Jasmine.

I'm sure Jafar would never mess with a woman armed to the teeth. Note that she also keeps a pet tiger.

I’m sure Jafar would never mess with a woman armed to the teeth. Note that she also keeps a pet tiger.

45. Princess and the Frog fans are sure to love Tiana’s iconic bayou dress.

I think she might be a costumed character. But I don't see a lot of Tiana costumes around. So I have to go with what I have.

I think she might be a costumed character. But I don’t see a lot of Tiana costumes around. So I have to go with what I have.

46. I bring you Disney Princesses: Hipster Edition. Because regular ones are so mainstream.

And it seems that Ariel shows more skin than Jasmine. I wonder which princess the one on the right is supposed to be. Or is that Tinkerbell?

And it seems that Ariel shows more skin than Jasmine. I wonder which princess the one on the right is supposed to be. Or is that Tinkerbell?

47. Even in her finery, Merida can still kick ass.

Well, here she is in a finer dress and with her red hair in a blazing glory. Very pretty but you don't want to mess with her.

Well, here she is in a finer dress and with her red hair in a blazing glory. Very pretty but you don’t want to mess with her.

48. Ariel’s tail has gadgets and gizmos aplenty.

Here's Ariel with a steampunk tail. I know it might seem far-fetched. But it works.

Here’s Ariel with a steampunk tail. I know it might seem far-fetched. But it works.

49. As princess of Atlantis, never underestimate Kida.

She later becomes queen by the way and remains under the sea. However, she's not counted among the Disney Princesses because her movie didn't do well at the box office.

She later becomes queen by the way and remains under the sea. However, she’s not counted among the Disney Princesses because her movie didn’t do well at the box office.

50. Seems like these two are nearly the perfect match.

However, the girl's Cinderella ball gown is closer to the original movie. Despite what you see on merchandise, Cinderella is a strawberry blond and wore a silver ball gown. Not a blonde who were blue.

However, the girl’s Cinderella ball gown is closer to the original movie. Despite what you see on merchandise, Cinderella is a strawberry blond and wore a silver ball gown. Not a blonde who were blue.

51. Never underestimate Rapunzel with a frying pan.

And I can tell this one didn't come with the costume because it looks fairly modern by design. Still, this is clever cosplay.

And I can tell this one didn’t come with the costume because it looks fairly modern by design. Still, this is clever cosplay.

52. This Snow white has a blue sweater and a yellow skirt for her get up.

Well, this Snow White costume seems do able. Just make sure the clothing is the right color.

Well, this Snow White costume seems do able. Just make sure the clothing is the right color.

53. Mulan doesn’t need a man to save China. She can save it herself.

Well, at least the armor is right. However, real armor in historical China was made of leather though.

Well, at least the armor is right. However, real armor in historical China was made of leather though.

54. As you may know, Merida learned archery from her mom.

However, their relationship becomes strained when Merida is a teenager. And she ends up turning her mom into a bear.

However, their relationship becomes strained when Merida is a teenager. And she ends up turning her mom into a bear.

55. Though a redhead, Ariel doesn’t look bad in pink.

However, she has no idea that she's using an eating utensil to comb her hair. Now that's really unsanitary.

However, she has no idea that she’s using an eating utensil to comb her hair. Now that’s really unsanitary.

56. This Aurora costume almost seems once upon a dream.

Okay, Aurora doesn't really do much in her movie. But this girl really looks cute in this costume.

Okay, Aurora doesn’t really do much in her movie. But this girl really looks cute in this costume.

57. Queen Elsa of Arendale always feels at home in the snow.

After all, most of her powers relate to winter weather, particularly ice. However, causing eternal winter didn't have her kingdom fare well.

After all, most of her powers relate to winter weather, particularly ice. However, causing eternal winter didn’t have her kingdom fare well.

58. To keep warm, Pocahontas always wears moccasins.

In the movie, she tends to go barefoot even in a temperate forest. However, unlike what Disney shows you, the real Pocahontas grew up around swamp land.

In the movie, she tends to go barefoot even in a temperate forest. However, unlike what Disney shows you, the real Pocahontas grew up around swamp land.

59. As a warrior princess of the sea, Ariel is armed with a golden trident.

That she probably got from her dad. Hope she could handle its magical powers.

That she probably got from her dad. Hope she could handle its magical powers.

60. I’m sure Princess Aurora will wake up sooner or later.

I mean she can't be like that forever. After all Philip has to kiss her. Or Maleficent.

I mean she can’t be like that forever. After all Philip has to kiss her. Or Maleficent.

61. As a human on land, Ariel makes a dress of sail and rope.

Well, it doesn't necessarily look like this in the movie. But close enough.

Well, it doesn’t necessarily look like this in the movie. But close enough.

62. When winter’s in the air, Elsa’s hair can be as white as snow.

However, the girl needs serious therapy. Because "Let It Go" isn't an empowerment song, It's a "fuck em' all" song.

However, the girl needs serious therapy. Because “Let It Go” isn’t an empowerment song, It’s a “fuck em’ all” song.

63. For Princess Anna, she can’t contain herself during the coronation.

Because it seems that Anna doesn't have much of a life outside the palace. And doesn't know much about men as you might learn from her relationship with Hans.

Because it seems that Anna doesn’t have much of a life outside the palace. And doesn’t know much about men as you might learn from her relationship with Hans.

64. Looks like Mulan is all dressed up for the matchmaker.

However, in the movie, she doesn't feel like showing off her clothes. But this woman might've made this Mulan outfit herself.

However, in the movie, she doesn’t feel like showing off her clothes. But this woman might’ve made this Mulan outfit herself.

65. Now that Snow White’s prince has come, wonder what she’s going to do about the Seven Dwarfs.

I know it's probably a stock costume photo. But those dwarf kids are cute. Like their outfits.

I know it’s probably a stock costume photo. But those dwarf kids are cute. Like their outfits.

66. Apparently, Aladdin and Jasmine decided to go more formal.

I guess this is what Aladdin and Jasmine wore at the end. And Al always has to have a bare chest. But at least they match.

I guess this is what Aladdin and Jasmine wore at the end. And Al always has to have a bare chest. But at least they match.

67. At her place, Mulan likes to saddle up with her horse.

And the horse doesn't seem like a smartass. If you ever see Disney movies, the horses all seem to have the same kind of personality for some reason.

And the horse doesn’t seem like a smartass. If you ever see Disney movies, the horses all seem to have the same kind of personality for some reason.

68. Here we have Princess Aurora with her parents.

Sure she may not do much in Sleeping Beauty. But at least she's one of the few Disney princesses who has both parents still alive.

Sure she may not do much in Sleeping Beauty. But at least she’s one of the few Disney princesses who has both parents still alive.

69. When Merida has her bow at the ready, nothing gets past her.

And she does it in her finery and with grace. Still, don't piss her off. So cute.

And she does it in her finery and with grace. Still, don’t piss her off. So cute.

70. As a warrior princess, Megara will not back down.

After all, her get up is similar to Xenia. And she's carrying a spear. Also, her extended family has a lot of drama that's depicted in 3 plays by Sophocles.

After all, her get up is similar to Xenia. And she’s carrying a spear. Also, her extended family has a lot of drama that’s depicted in 3 plays by Sophocles.

71. This baby Ariel is a little mermaid under the sea.

She even has Ariel's red hair in yarn and in a braid. So adorable.

She even has Ariel’s red hair in yarn and in a braid. So adorable.

72. Seems like Princess Jasmine is covered in leather and veils.

This might be a steampunk Jasmine. She has leather on her arms and a lot of bling.

This might be a steampunk Jasmine. She has leather on her arms and a lot of bling.

73. Hope Mulan shines with her parasol.

I guess Mulan's matchmaker costume is quite popular. But I don't think Mulan was ever comfortable being in that outfit or her situation there.

I guess Mulan’s matchmaker costume is quite popular. But I don’t think Mulan was ever comfortable being in that outfit or her situation there.

74. Looks like Belle and Snow White have gone all Rococo.

Well, as Cogsworth said, "If it ain't Baroque, don't fix it." Still, those outfits must be very uncomfortable.

Well, as Cogsworth said, “If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.” Still, those outfits must be very uncomfortable.

75. Rapunzel sure knows how to put flowers in her hair.

And yes, it looks pretty. Nevertheless, I wonder how Rapunzel keeps her hair so clean, neat, and shiny. Magic?

And yes, it looks pretty. Nevertheless, I wonder how Rapunzel keeps her hair so clean, neat, and shiny. Magic?

76. As a princess, Snow White must always keep with fashion.

I've wanted to put this one in my Disney costume post. But I ran out of room. So it goes here.

I’ve wanted to put this one in my Disney costume post. But I ran out of room. So it goes here.

77. To escape from her daddy’s control, Jasmine leaves home dressed as a peasant.

But as with any rich girl, she has no idea what to do once she's in the streets. That's where she meets Aladdin.

But as with any rich girl, she has no idea what to do once she’s in the streets. That’s where she meets Aladdin.

78. Sometimes being a Disney Princess isn’t all about being prim and proper.

I think these girls must be acting goofy. Still, I kind of feel for Alice being in Aurora's grip.

I think these girls must be acting goofy. Still, I kind of feel for Alice being in Aurora’s grip.

79. Sometimes Belle would like to sit and read.

And here she is in a green dress. I'm sure she got it from Wardrobe. Looks nice on her.

And here she is in a green dress. I’m sure she got it from Wardrobe. Looks nice on her.

80. Looks like Alice is going to out grow that house.

Sure Alice isn't an official Disney Princess. But this is a really great costume I had to put on there.

Sure Alice isn’t an official Disney Princess. But this is a really great costume I had to put on there.

81. To own a restaurant, Tiana works as a waitress to save her money.

Here she is with her friend Charlotte. Charlotte may mean well but she's not the smartest girl in the patch.

Here she is with her friend Charlotte. Charlotte may mean well but she’s not the smartest girl in the patch.

82. With some Disney Princesses, there always has to be a perfect prince.

And I guess some of these here have more historically accurate costumes. Not sure about two of the hats.

And I guess some of these here have more historically accurate costumes. Not sure about two of the hats.

83. As a mermaid, Ariel occasionally rises from the sea.

I'm not sure if Ariel has surfaced that way. But I think this is a fine costume.

I’m not sure if Ariel has surfaced that way. But I think this is a fine costume.

84. For Esmeralda, there’s no better guy for her than Captain Phoebus.

Maybe in the Disney movie. However, in the original Hugo story, Phoebus is not a nice guy and only wants Esmeralda for one thing.

Maybe in the Disney movie. However, in the original Hugo story, Phoebus is not a nice guy and only wants Esmeralda for one thing.

85. In Frozen, Prince Hans pays his respects to Queen Elsa on her coronation.

If by "respects," you mean getting engaged to her sister in hopes of seizing her throne. Yeah, Prince Hans isn't a nice guy. And I'm sure Queen Elsa would turn him into a human popsicle if she could.

If by “respects,” you mean getting engaged to her sister in hopes of seizing her throne. Yeah, Prince Hans isn’t a nice guy. And I’m sure Queen Elsa would turn him into a human popsicle if she could.

86. For Anna, Kristoff can be counted for anything.

Well, these are baby costumes. But these little ones look so adorable they just melt your heart.

Well, these are baby costumes. But these little ones look so adorable they just melt your heart.

87. Uh, I’m not sure if Belle should venture out in the woods alone.

This is especially during the night and in the snow. Because she and Philippe nearly fell in a frozen lake surrounded by wolves.

This is especially during the night and in the snow. Because she and Philippe nearly fell in a frozen lake surrounded by wolves.

88. As the oldest, Merida has to look after her younger brothers.

Well, her brothers are kind of a handful. Have to note that they also turn into bear cubs.

Well, her brothers are kind of a handful. Have to note that they also turn into bear cubs.

89. As sisters, Elsa and Anna always stick it together.

However, I don't think they could build a snowman in that kind of weather. Well, unless Elsa uses her powers.

However, I don’t think they could build a snowman in that kind of weather. Well, unless Elsa uses her powers.

90. None of these Disney Princesses need a man to get them out of trouble.

Because these are warrior Disney Princesses. And they have the guts to save themselves.

Because these are warrior Disney Princesses. And they have the guts to save themselves.

91. Seems like Cinderella is happy to see her Fairy Godmother.

Look, I know the Fairy Godmother should've been there for Cinderella sooner. But this is a very cute photo op.

Look, I know the Fairy Godmother should’ve been there for Cinderella sooner. But this is a very cute photo op.

92. Seems like there are 2 Jasmines in this picture.

Mostly because Jasmine is the only female character in Aladdin. Yet, this mother and daughter moment is too much.

Mostly because Jasmine is the only female character in Aladdin. Yet, this mother and daughter moment is too much.

93. Apparently, Cinderella and Belle have to show who’s better.

Yes, Cindy, rub it in Belle's face. Nevertheless, these girls are so adorable in their dress.

Yes, Cindy, rub it in Belle’s face. Nevertheless, these girls are so adorable in their dress.

94. Looks like Anna and Kristoff have just visited his troll family.

Yes, Kristoff was raised by trolls. I know it's weird but don't ask me. I didn't write Frozen.

Yes, Kristoff was raised by trolls. I know it’s weird but don’t ask me. I didn’t write Frozen.

95. Looks like Elsa and Anna are on a trip down Fury Road.

This is a Mad Max Elsa and Anna. Nevertheless, between Frozen and Mad Max, I think Frozen was way better since it had way more of a plot.

This is a Mad Max Elsa and Anna. Nevertheless, between Frozen and Mad Max, I think Frozen was way better since it had way more of a plot.

96. For Mulan, there’s no better man for her than Captain Li Shang.

If you dismiss that he thought she was a guy and left her to die after finding out she wasn't. Other than that, he's a swell man.

If you dismiss that he thought she was a guy and left her to die after finding out she wasn’t. Other than that, he’s a swell man.

97. Megara always prefers a man with god like strength who’d save her from hell and back.

However, in the original myth, Hercules and Megara don't live happily ever after. In fact, quite the opposite.

However, in the original myth, Hercules and Megara don’t live happily ever after. In fact, quite the opposite.

98. For a golden ball gown, Belle wears a golden cape.

Well, in winter, anyway. And not in the movie since she goes outside like it's nothing.

Well, in winter, anyway. And not in the movie since she goes outside like it’s nothing.

99. This Snow White comes super powered.

Best known powers are singing to woodland creatures so they can clean houses. And being the fairest in the land.

Best known powers are singing to woodland creatures so they can clean houses. And being the fairest in the land.

100. These princesses seem as if they come from a work of art.

These are Disney Princesses in the Art Noveau style of the late 1800s. Yet, you might still find them rather gorgeous beyond compare.

These are Disney Princesses in the Art Noveau style of the late 1800s. Yet, you might still find them rather gorgeous beyond compare.

Bad Movie Sisters

Now while compiling a post on terrible movie brothers was easy, I couldn’t say the same about the sisters since women don’t have as much screen presence in movies as men do. So if some of these sisters seem to be less terrible than the brothers, it’s mainly because finding bad movie sisters were fairly hard to find. Nevertheless, movie sisters have also had a prominent presence in movies from Little Women to Frozen. But while some sisters tend to be best friends, others could be at each other’s throats. But while some may have to deal with annoying sisters at some point of their lives (like myself), this post will make anyone feel better about their female siblings since these girls can range from backstabbers, homicidal maniacs, outright nuts, or a bit of all three. Some of them can be even downright selfish and irresponsible in their sisterly ways. So if you’re the kid with the worst sister ever, let’s just say this post will make you feel better because it’s very likely that your sister is certainly not as bad as these ladies. Half-sisters, stepsisters, and adopted sisters are included as well. Aunts count, too, if sibling ties can be established since being a bad aunt is almost synonymous with being a bad sister, even if they direct their vileness toward their sibling’s kids which is every parent’s worst nightmare. So without further adieu, here are the bad sisters that will put your annoying and mean sisters to shame.

1. Blanche and Baby Jane Hudson

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From: What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

The Problem: Sometimes sibling rivalries never die. Still, whatever ups and downs me and my sister I have, I’m grateful that our relationship isn’t like this. Of course, it’s very obvious that Baby Jane is the sister from hell since she’s a mentally disturbed alcoholic who has despised the now paralyzed Blanche since their showbiz days and absolutely loathes taking care of her. She’s also never gotten over her days as a child star despite being well into middle age and not aging gracefully. Then again, we’re not sure that she’s aware everyone has entirely forgotten about her contrary to her older sister Blanche. But when she learns that Blanche intends to sell the house and send her to a sanitarium, things really go downhill. Whether it’s serving Blanche her pet parakeet or a rat for din-din, it’s easy to sympathize with her older sister, especially as Jane gets more physically and emotionally abusive toward her as the film progresses. She also forges Blanche’s signature on checks, cuts her from any possible communication, beats her unconscious, ties her to a bed, and kills the suspicious cleaning lady. However, Blanche isn’t completely innocent either since she had been endlessly bitter of how Jane was treated as a child and how Jane had to make a movie every time her older sister was in one (with every flop damaging Blanche’s career). When Blanche had enough, she tried run over Jane but ended up crippling herself in a way to make her little sister look responsible. And to make things worse, Jane was too drunk to remember that night so Blanche basically forces her to live in guilt and wait on her hand and foot for the next 30 years. So between these two sisters, I’m not sure which one is worse.

2. Petunia Dursley

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From: The Harry Potter series

The Problem: Now Petunia is more of an aunt than a sister in the series. But her bad feelings for her sister Lily are basically the reason why she treats her nephew Harry Potter so badly. Sure Petunia probably didn’t have it easy growing up with a Muggle born witch said to be prettier and smarter than she was. And it doesn’t help that she spoils her own son rotten and basically lets Dudley bully Harry for years while her nephew slept in a cupboard under the stairs and endured tons of abuse. She is particularly a bitch in the fact she lied to Harry about his parents dying in a car crash. Oh, and because of Lily, she doesn’t take to kindly to Harry having any magical powers. Not to mention, you have her husband Vernon who’s basically a social climbing, materialistic villain in the true Roald Dahlesque style. Still, just because you and your sister didn’t get along is no excuse to abuse her kid, magical or not. Of course, if you didn’t read the book, in Book 5 Harry fights off a group of Dementors who tried to take Dudley’s soul only to be unmerciously subjected to an expulsion hearing. Nevertheless, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley were thinking about kicking Harry out of the house until Dumbledore sends Petunia a howler. Yes, it got to that.

3. Carmen Sternwood

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From: The Big Sleep

The Problem: If this movie was a romantic comedy, then Carmen would be nothing more than mere embarrassment for her older sister Vivian Rutledge who’s basically protecting her from her own mistakes. Of course, from the very beginning, it’s that something’s really not right with her. When we first see her, she already owes gambling debts to a bookseller named Geiger as well as poses for his naked photo shoots (for his illegal porn operation) and possibly other things (since she’s found drugged at his home). When Geiger is found dead, Vivian shows up at Philip Marlowe’s office with these photos she received as well as a blackmail demand for the negatives. But Carmen demands the photos. Nevertheless, as Marlowe and Vivian develop a relationship, Carmen tries to get Marlowe to sleep with her but he throws her out. Still, it’s later revealed that Vivian was blackmailed because she suspected Carmen to have killed a friend of their dad’s who disappeared a month ago named Sean Regan. And it’s vaguely implied that this might be true since she’s kind of an unstable nympho to begin with. No wonder Vivian thinks her sister might need psychiatric help. Of course, in the original Raymond Chandler book, she’s even worse.

4. Briony Tallis

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From: Atonement

The Problem: Now Briony is perhaps an immature and nosy teenage girl but what she does really causes a lot of problems for her sister Cecilia especially when it comes to her relationship with servant’s son Robbie Turner. Now Briony has a crush on Robbie who has her send a sexually explicit letter to his sister, which makes her disgusted and jealous. But she also suspects that Robbie is sexually harassing Cecilia even though he’s really not. So when her cousin Lola is nearly raped (by a stranger), Briony uses the occasion as revenge by framing her sister’s boyfriend of the crime as well as shows his dirty letter. This results in Robbie being arrested and sent to prison until WWII on the condition he join the army. Cecilia never forgives her for this. On discovering Robbie’s innocence, Briony is so guilty of this that she wrote the story about them which gives her sister and Robbie a happy ending, even though they never really saw each other after Robbie left for war and they both died in 1940. Yeah, so because of Briony, Cecilia never had any chance for happiness (or so she thinks).

5. Kathryrn Merteuil

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From: Cruel Intentions

The Problem: Now Kathryn seems like a popular, well-adjusted young woman, devout Christian, and Student Body President at Manchester Prep. However, she’s more or less a bulimic, a drug addict, alcoholic, oversexed, and a manipulative mastermind who prides herself on destroying other people’s lives as well as controlling them to suit her own ends. For instance, she persuades a lot of her female classmates to sleep around so she could ruin their reputations. In short, she’s a cold hearted sociopathic troublemaker. Yet, only stepbrother Sebastian Valmont realizes this even though they both share a twisted attraction to each other. The whole plot revolves around Kathryn making a bet that she’d sleep with him only if he could nail the headmaster’s daughter. And if he doesn’t she’d get his vintage car. But he ends up falling in love with her instead. Jealous, Kathryn taunts him and threatens to ruin his girlfriend’s reputation so he breaks up with her. Kathryn then reveals she knew he loved her all along compelling Sebastian to say that he wants nothing to do with her. When he leaves, she tells another guy that he hit her and slept with another classmate, which results in a fight (which she intends that Sebastian won’t survive). Annette tries to stop it and is thrown in the middle of traffic but Sebastian pushes her away and is fatally hit by a cab. Luckily Sebastian has kept a journal about this and Kathryn gets her comeuppance (well, sort of).

6. Goneril and Regan

From: King Lear

The Problem: These two girls are basically the closest thing to the Celtic equivalent of Veda Pierce. Seriously, Goneril and Regan make Cinderella’s ugly stepsisters seem like the Crawley girls in comparison. Now the play kicks off when their regal daddy King Lear announces his intention to retire from power. Since he has no sons, Lear decides to divide his realm among his 3 daughters who will receive a share as long as they express their love for him. Seizing their chance for some of their daddy’s royal real estate, they successfully flatter him with their sentimental bullshit. Younger sister, Cordelia, on the other hand, basically tells her dad that the whole thing is bullshit and refuses to partake (well, she doesn’t say it that way but it’s exactly what she thinks). This results in her being banished to France where she marries the king. But having daddy’s real estate isn’t enough for Goneril and Regan. They’re both obsessed with power that they want to overthrow their old man, too. But it’s the only thing that unites them. When Lear resolves to divvy his time between his 2 oldest daughters and their husbands, both say that their declarations of love were fake, see their dad as a foolish old man, and refuse to grant him residence. Once Cordelia’s new husband makes landfall in Britain to help Lear (with an army), Goneril and Regan engage in a war resulting in the death and capture of Regan’s husband, their crazy old dad, their little sister Cordelia, and themselves once Edmund starts sleeping with them. I mean if Goneril didn’t poison Regan first, Regan would’ve done the same.

7. Bianca Minola

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From: The Taming of the Shrew

The Problem: So you’re headstrong Katarina and your sister Bianca wants to get married to a guy she has just met. However, in order for that to happen your dad has to marry you off first, which is going to be challenging. Not to worry, your sister’s boyfriend has a guy picked out for you named Petruchio who’s willing to marry you for a bet and your large dowry. Of course, you don’t want to get married but since Bianca is a little manipulator who’s got your dad twisted around her little finger and the fact you’re such a brat wanting attention that he’ll marry you off to just about any guy willing to take you, you don’t have much choice. Unfortunately, Petruchio has set up your first days together as a merry go round of neglect and emotional torture that will break your spirits into the ideal wife. Prepare to spend your days being denied food until you agree to everything Petruchio says. Still, you know that her being obedient and sweet temperance is just an act so she could get what she wants, even if it’s at your expense, so welcome to hell, Katarina.

8. Delia Lovell Ralston

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From: The Old Maid

The Problem: Well, Delia is actually Charlotte’s cousin but you wouldn’t really know that since they seem to be sisters in all but in the biological sense. But Charlotte has had to live in Delia’s shadow all her life. Nevertheless, during the course of the movie Charlotte gets knocked up by Delia’s ex on the rebound (who’s conveniently killed off-screen) and has a daughter named Tina she loves very much. In fact, she gives up the chance of marrying a guy than give her up for adoption. And when Delia’s husband dies, she lets Charlotte and Tina move in. Still, unaware that Charlotte’s her real mom, Tina refers to Delia as her mom and Charlotte as her aunt, much to Charlotte’s dismay. This goes on for years and Delia does nothing to correct this and as a result, Tina tends to resent Charlotte who feels that she has to play the role of a stern spinster aunt. And when Tina is engaged, Delia formally adopts her to give her a more reputable name. Nevertheless, while Delia makes up for it in the end, it’s still pretty disconcerting that she stole Charlotte’s kid and basically robbed her cousin from forming a close mother-daughter relationship with her.

9. Esther Coleman

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From: Orphan

The Problem: Seems like the Colemans should’ve checked with the orphanage before deciding on 9-year-old Esther. Or at least have gotten a puppy. Sure she may seem so polite and creative as well as perhaps the sensitivity and charm that can thaw frozen hearts. However, she’s actually a manipulative sociopath with no morals that her casually dropping f-bombs in everyday conversation is the least worrying thing about her. Well, that along with cutting the flowers that her adoptive parents have scattered over the remains of their stillborn child and presenting them to adoptive father John in a bouquet. Not to mention, reading excerpts of her adoptive mother Kate’s diary regarding her miscarriage out loud. Nevertheless, she’s basically a sister and daughter from hell that would make Veda Pierce look like a Girl Scout. She threatens to castrate older brother Danny and burns his treehouse with him in it. Luckily he survives. She also pulls the emergency break on her deaf little sister Max and let it slide down the hill. As for the parents, she breaks her own arm in a vise and blames Kate for it as well as tries to murder the entire family so she can have John to herself. But she kills him when he refuses her advances. Oh, and did I tell you that she’s really not what she seems?

10. Regina Hubbard Giddens

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From: The Little Foxes

The Problem: To be fair, Regina does live in the early 20th century South where inheritance was reserved for sons, institutionalized gold digging was a thing, and her brothers are just as greedy and morally bankrupt as she is. Besides, she hates having to depend on a husband she doesn’t love. So when Oscar and Benjamin want to build a cotton mill, they’re willing to either settle for $75,000 from her husband Horace and possibly a marriage between Oscar’s son Leo and her daughter Alexandra, which neither Alexander nor Horace approve. However, Horace isn’t interested in the project which leads to Ben and Oscar stealing his railroad bonds via Leo. But while Horace is willing to forgive his relatives and change his will, Regina sees this situation as a way for screwing them over. So she waits for Horace to die of a heart attack after she riles him so nobody would contradict her. She then accuses her brothers of the theft as well as blackmails them into giving her 75% ownership of their new business venture. The brothers are left with no choice but to give in. Sure the Hubbard brothers weren’t nice people and got everything they deserved. But her daughter Alexandra is absolutely horrified by what she done so she runs off with a newspaperman leaving Regina independently wealthy but alone. Still, even though you might root for Regina for being a magnificent bitch she is, you have to wonder if she’s perhaps as despicable as her brothers or possibly worse.

11. Sarah Williams

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From: Labyrinth

The Problem: To be fair, Sarah’s had a rough adolescence and it’s understandable that she hides from life with fantasy tales to the point of dressing up in long flowing dresses and acting bits of script in a park. Of course, she’s a teenage girl who’s unhappy with her mom leaving the family, her dad’s remarriage as well as the resulting baby half-brother Toby. Her father doesn’t seem to give two shits about her and her stepmother seems to expect her to be a live-in babysitter. So it’s no wonder she wishes the Goblin King Jareth take little Toby away from her. However, she’s just venting her frustrations and really doesn’t want Jareth to do this. But little does she know that a sparkly leather clad pants David Bowie swoops by and takes him off her hands anyway (as well as becomes a source of 1980s fantasy fetish fuel). Now feeling guilty of not being careful what she wishes for, Sarah now has 13 hours to retrieve him from the labyrinth citadel. The plot kicks in from there, and boy, does she learn her lesson the hard way.

12. Elisabeth

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From: Les Enfants Terribles

The Problem: Elisabeth loves her little teenage brother Paul and is very protective of him. When he’s hit by a snowball with a rock inside by his crush Dargelos, Elisabeth cares for him. At this point it’s revealed that their inseparable relationship is characterized known as “The Game” in which is an intense series of mind games with the people who dare enter their socially isolated lair. However, it’s only years later do we find out that Elisabeth’s relationship with Paul might be more one-sided than he thinks and perhaps very unhealthy, especially when she takes in a girl named Agathe. Since Agathe resembles Dargelos, Paul falls for her but a jealous Elisabeth can’t stand to see him happy without her so she intercepts Paul’s love letter and sets Agathe up with another man named Gerard. This results in him becoming an opium addict and drugging himself to death, but not until Elisabeth shoots herself to beat him in their so-called “Game.” Still, Elisabeth’s relationship with Paul is toxic to the touch attempts to poison everyone around them. But it’s Elisabeth who’s mainly the one wearing the pants and while they may seem like they’re arguing and harassing each other for no reason, she’d still do anything to keep Paul to herself, which destroys him. And as they play their mind games, nobody is safe.

13. Bellatrix Lestrange

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From: The Harry Potter Series

The Problem: Sure she’s a Death Eater, but even if you’re Narcissa Malfoy, you’d really wouldn’t want to be related to her since she’s so fanatically devoted to Voldemort that she’d kill off relatives and betray family members in a heartbeat. In fact she’d make it her duty to kill any relatives who are members of the Order of the Phoenix, including her disowned sister Andromeda Tonks, Muggle born brother-in-law Ted, as well as her niece (and later Remus Lupin who marries her) and her cousin Sirius Black. Also, she’s paranoid and violently insane that it’s scary as well as one of the most sadistic and dangerous Death Eaters around. Tortue, violence, and destruction seem less like means to an end and more like hobbies to her. On her first appearance it’s known that she tortured Neville Longbottom’s parents to insanity that they were locked up at St. Mungo’s. In Book 5, she kills her own cousin Sirius Black by blasting him through a veil in the Death Chamber. Now her vileness as a sister really comes to light in Book 6 in which it’s clear that Voldemort has chosen Draco to assassinate Dumbledore or die in the process and perhaps have his parents lose their lives as well. As any mother with a son charged with a suicide mission, Narcissa is uneasy about the whole thing. Bellatrix, on the other hand, is pretty unsympathetic to her sister’s fears over her son’s life and states that if she had kids, she’d certainly give them to the Dark Lord. Obviously, she’s trapped in a loveless marriage and doesn’t know what it’s like to have kids. But I can’t imagine what kind of mother she could be. What’s worse is that while Draco may hate Mudbloods as much as the next Slytherin and is a real asshole, he’s incapable killing anybody, even when his and his parents’ lives are at stake. And as the Death Eater charged with assassinating a key figure, he’s doomed to fail. If it weren’t for Snape making a deals with Dumbledore and Narcissa before the devastating climax at the Astronomy Tower, then Draco would’ve ended up like Regulus Black. Even if Draco is her nephew, Bellatrix would’ve been perfectly cool with it. Nevertheless, Narcissa is confident that Bellatrix won’t hurt her because they’re siblings (and that they’re both loyal to the Voldemort but Narcissa’s allegiance is basically out of fear). However, note that she also killed her niece Nymphadora Tonks and sees no problem with Draco’s being on a suicide mission, so I wouldn’t have too much confidence in her if I was Draco’s mom.  And if Narcissa strays from the family tradition, well, God help her. Oh, by the way, she tortures Hermione and kills Dobby in Book 7. Nevertheless, trying to kill Ginny after offing her brother was a big mistake. Prepare for Molly Weasley’s “Not my daughter, you bitch!”

14. Edith Philips and Margaret DeLorca

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From: Dead Ringer

The Problem: Now twin sisters Edith and Margaret had a falling out for 18 years after the latter stole the former’s boyfriend and married him over a pregnancy. Nevertheless, Margaret managed to enjoy 18 years of marriage and a life of relative wealth and ease. However, it later turns out that Margaret was cheating on her husband Frank and killed him with arsenic poison. She’s also an insufferable bitch that even her Great Dane basically despises her. Edith, on the other hand, owns a struggling cocktail lounge and is threatened with eviction for not paying her bills. Now it seems that these two sister are about to reconcile after nearly 2 decades since Edith is really intent on riding Margaret’s coattails. But when Edith learns that Margaret was never pregnant, all bets are off. Instead, Edith lures Margaret into her cocktail lounge and kills her since she feels entitled to what her sister has. She then proceeds to make Margaret’s death look like her own suicide and takes her sister’s place at her mansion. But it all soon catches up to her by the end. Sure this may be a film in which Bette Davis may play both good and evil twins, but neither are exactly prizes since they’re both selfish middle aged women. Sure there’s no denying that Margaret really screwed her sister over, but Edith should’ve gotten over it by now.

15. Norah Lorowski

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From: Sunshine Cleaning

The Problem: Now Norah isn’t a bad girl. It’s just that she’s not the most trustworthy sister around and can be quite careless. When she’s fired from her waitress job, she and older sister Rose decide to form a crime scene cleaning business called Sunshine Cleaning. Now when an insurance company calls for the services of Sunshine Cleaning which would grant the sisters a potential to obtain a breakthrough reputation. Unfortunately, Rose has a baby shower that day so she has Norah clean the house alone until she could catch up. This leads to Norah accidentally burning the house with an unattendded candle which results in their business reputation being tarnished and being forced to pay $40,000, which they can’t afford. Thus, Sunshine Cleaning is shut down and Rose has to go back working as a maid to support her son. At least their dad gave up the house so Rose can start cleaning crime scenes again after Norah nearly ruined that chance. Nevertheless, Norah is pretty careless and irresponsible.

16. Jeanette “Jasmine” Francis

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From: Blue Jasmine

The Problem: Jasmine might be losing her mind because her rich background hampers her ability to function in middle class society that she has to live with her sister Ginger in San Francisco. However, even this doesn’t prevent her from being self-involved, narcissistic, and having almost no consideration for anyone else’s feelings. Not to mention, she sometimes tends to live well beyond her means such as traveling first class despite being broke. However, Ginger must be a saint since she’s willing to take in Jasmine who has nowhere else to go, even though she has every reason not to. And it’s not just because her presence keeps Chili from moving in with Ginger. This is because back when Jasmine was a rich trophy wife, she basically treated Ginger like shit and nearly ruined her life. For one, when Ginger and then husband Augie visit her in New York after winning the lottery, Jasmine provides them with a car and driver as well as pays their hotel bills so she could avoid them as much as possible. Yet, when Augie states that he plans to set up a construction business with his winnings, Jasmine offers her Wall Street husband Hal’s help in investing the money instead. Now Hal is a major fraudster and a guy you’d least want to trust with your money since he’s lost a lot of cash from a lot of investors. Augie and Ginger are no different since they would’ve been much better off if Augie just set up his construction business. And it’s also clear that this financial fiasco ruined Ginger’s marriage since Augie basically blames Jasmine for ruining his life. But Ginger defends her. Nevertheless, Jasmine’s actions basically have a negative impact on everyone in the film which does catch up to her near the end. Sure she might’ve turned Hal to the authorities for fraud during an emotional breakdown, but her husband deserved everything he got. Ginger didn’t.

17. Queen Elsa of Arendelle

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From: Frozen

The Problem: Yeah, I know it might come as a shock to some Frozen fans that Elsa might be on this list. However, we know that Elsa is very much a product of her upbringing due to having magical ice powers that lead to Anna’s injury when they were kids. But this doesn’t stop little sister Anna from idolizing her. Now Elsa and Anna were very close as young girls. But after a mishap, their parents basically shut Elsa off from the outside world so she can control her powers. This fails but it doesn’t stop Anna from desperately wanting attention which Elsa understandably denies but doesn’t tell her. And it’s even worse that Anna’s memories of Elsa’s powers were removed after the accident (even though they probably shouldn’t have been). This leads Anna to becoming engaged to Prince Hans a mere 12 hours and a musical number after she meets him on the day of her sister’s coronation at Arendelle. And if things weren’t worse enough between them, Elsa goes ballistic during an argument pertaining to her engagement to Hans. Sure Elsa’s right but she was never learned how to control her powers in a healthy way and can be seen as somewhat psychologically unstable with anxiety and depression. Thus, eternal winter ensues without her realizing it and she runs away to build her own ice castle and giving herself a makeover. But Elsa’s also running away from her responsibilities as queen paving the way for the Duke of Weselton and Prince Hans to exploit the situation. Foolishly believing the bringing her back can reverse the eternal winter, Anna naturally goes after her. But when Anna reaches Elsa’s ice castle, not only does she reject Elsa, but she also strikes her in the heart and chases her along with Olaf, Kristof, and Sven with a giant snow monster named Marshmallow. The frozen heart bit results in Anna nearly freezing to death. Of course, we all know that things work out in the end, but not without Anna taking a lot of crap from her as well as both being very screwed up. Not to mention, we should take account with the property damage Elsa caused even though Arendelle’s main export is ice.

18. Anne Boleyn

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From: The Other Boleyn Girl

The Problem: Out of all Henry VIII’s 6 wives, adaptations haven’t been very fair to his second Queen Anne Boleyn. But Philippa Gregory basically takes historical liberties with her to the extreme. Sure she was ambitious and did pressure Henry to get rid of his first wife, even if it meant severing ties to Rome. But before she caught his eye, it was her sweet sister Mary who got knocked up with Henry’s son as Anne was making the moves on him (in real life, Mary was a bonafide slut whose affair with the king was over years before he took up with Anne. Also, Mary’s son Henry was very likely not his. Oh, and Anne wasn’t married to Henry Percy ever). Sure Henry liked Anne first but he becomes acquainted with Mary after she helps him over an injury. And as soon as Henry and Mary are together, Anne has to scheme to seduce the king right under her nose. And when Henry announces his attentions to marry her, Anne basically forces Mary to give up her son to be raised at court all for political favor.  She also orders him never to talk to Mary again (none of this happened). Not to mention, she’s quite vicious to Mary as well on frequent occasions. And when she’s had a miscarriage, she has sex with her brother George to conceive a child (didn’t happen), which results in both of them getting executed (along with several other men but the charges were trumped up). Gregory’s Anne Boleyn is a vain, cruel, vindictive, and ruthless schemer who manipulates others as well as uses sex to get what she wants. And she got what she deserved. Seems like Philippa Gregory has it really in for Anne Boleyn.

19. Aunt Helen

From: The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Problem: Charlie Kelmeckis has been in and out of mental institutions and is one messed up kid since his best friend’s suicide. Or that’s what we’re told at first. Sure his best friend’s suicide might be emotionally traumatic enough to deal with. But it might just be the tip of the iceberg since he tends to go back on his favorite Aunt Helen who’s certainly a blood relation (I mean she’s single and living with Charlie’s family. Still, I think she was his mom’s sister but I’m not sure) who was killed in a car accident when he was 7 years old. Helen is a messed up woman who was molested as a child and abused by many men during her life. She also has a lot of psychological issues. At first, you think she’s such a sweet, troubled, but kooky aunt. However, it’s not until he has a nervous breakdown do we find out the sinister truth that Helen was sexually abusing him. And that Charlie blames himself for Helen’s death and might’ve wished it. Charlie’s parents must be up a wall by this point after they found out. I mean they took Helen into their home when she was down on her luck only to take advantage of their kid behind their backs in the worst way possible. No wonder Charlie is so screwed up.

20. Jacqueline “Jackie-O” Pascal

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From: The House of Yes

The Problem: Now when Marty comes home from school with his fiancée, he seems nervously hesitant to introduce her to his folks. However, it’s his twin sister Jackie who he needs to worry about and the fact she dresses like Jackie O is the least of his worries (as well as the hurricane going on outside). In fact, she’s spoiled, stuck-up, and violently insane. In the beginning, he’s just been released from the funny farm since she shot Marty before when he left home. But informed that Marty is bringing a “friend,” she shows signs of borderline personality disorder such as sudden mood swings and an inability to cope with change. The family isn’t exactly happy with Marty’s fiancée Lesly by her association with him for this very reason. Jackie ensues to interrogate Lesly about her love life with Marty, asking graphic details of their sexual escapades. She then reminds her that Marty had an intense affair with a girl some years back and that she might return. It then becomes clear that Jackie is talking about herself as she then coerces Marty into playing their favorite, “game,” a sexual reenactment of the JFK assassination, which Lesly walks in on. But Marty really wants a normal life yet she won’t let him. The next morning, Jackie searches for a gun that Marty had been ordered to hide by his mom and flushes his car keys down the toilet. Oh, and when Marty refuses to play their “game” but he goes a long before she shoots him dead. Now that is one twisted sister, my friend.

21. Kym Buchman

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From: Rachel Getting Married

The Problem: Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions and shouldn’t be opportunities for needless drama. Unfortunately for Rachel Buchman, her sister Kym has been released from rehab for a few days just in time to attend her big day. Yeah, that sister who killed her younger brother Ethan by driving off a bridge and into a ravine while high whom she has never forgiven. Sure Kym resents that Rachel hasn’t chose her for maid of honor as well as all the other attention she’s receiving that she throws a tantrum. She also lies about how she was molested by her uncle and having to care for an anorexic sister which compels Rachel to storm out of the hair salon. Not to mention, she gets into a fist fight with her mom as well as steals her dad’s car which she crashes into a rock. With a sister like that, you have to wonder why Rachel and her fiancé just spare the dysfunctional family drama and just make plans to elope.

22. Louise

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From: Sister

The Problem: Simon and Louise live in a housing complex below a luxury ski resort in the Alps where they support themselves by stealing equipment and selling them at a discounted price. However, most of the money goes to Louise so she can go on dates. She is selfish and irresponsible, unable to hold a job and going off with men, leaving Simon home alone. She eventually abandons him for a boyfriend for a considerable amount of time. This actually does a significant amount of good for Simon since he’s able to socialize with the resort’s tourists and employees. But when his sister returns, it’s utter dysfunction and that she asks him for money to sleep next to her, which is kind of unsettling and creepy. Oh, and she may not really be his sister.

23. Valerie Craig

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From: Three Bad Sisters

The Problem: When it comes to a parent’s inheritance, most people usually don’t consider it a big deal save maybe the rich. However, in the world of fiction, people are willing to kill each other over it. Now this movie could easily have been called, “One Bad Sister, One Crazy Sister, and One Slutty Sister,” but audiences in 1956 wouldn’t buy it. So Marshall Craig dies by crashing his own plain and leaving pilot Jim Norton out of a job. Eyeing the family fortune for herself and not batting a tear of the news on the radio, Valerie recruits Norton to either seduce her sister Lorna (who’s the executor of the estate) or drive her to suicide (which runs in the family) as well as take off with her. If not, then she’ll frame him for her dad’s murder. They also concoct a story that Norton saved Mr. Craig from drowning and was rewarded with a partnership in a land development project Craig was working on at the time, so he can enter into the family’s inner circle. However, slutty sister Vicki wants Norton for herself. But Valerie disposes her easily enough by taunting and beating her with a horsewhip that Vicki drives off a mountain road to her death. Yet, as Norton falls in love with Lorna, Valerie devises a few tricks up her sleeve to get rid of her, too such as trying to trample her with a horse. Oh, and she tries to steal Jim and break Lorna’s heart. Luckily, she dies.

24. Margaret Turner

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From: The Bachelor and the Bobby Soxer

The Problem: Now this movie is intended as a romantic comedy, but since Margaret’s a judge and an adult, she should really know better. Now it’s one thing for her 17-year-old sister Susan to have a crush playboy artist Richard Nugent to the point that she sneaks into his apartment, which amounts to a very awkward situation that would put him on a sex offender list. Now to be fair, Margaret, her ADA boyfriend Tommy Chamberlain, and her psychiatrist uncle make a deal with Richard that he’ll be cleared of all charges, including assaulting Tommy if he agrees to date Susan until the infatuation runs its course. Sure the movie was made in the 1940s and Richard fortunately has absolutely no interest in any girl under 18. Even so, this is a very terrible idea, if not then downright illegal and unethical. But Margaret really has no excuse here since she’s not just Susan’s sister, she’s also a judge and her legal guardian. For all she knows, Richard could be a pedophile who might see being forced to date Susan as a perfect opportunity to molest her. Margaret should’ve considered this, even if Richard is innocent since she’s tried people over felonies. It would’ve been better for Margaret to send Richard away with a temporary restraining order, but I suppose that she thinks he’s hot and wants him to stick around. That, and possibly a reason to get rid of Tommy, since she’s been under a lot of pressure to get married.

25. Patricia Bosworth Emerson

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From: A Stolen Life

The Problem: Being your sister’s doppelganger is a great advantage for evil twins. And Pat is now exception. Now as nice sister Kate builds a relationship with Bill Emerson, flamboyant and manhunting manipulator Pat pursues him out of town. First, she does this pretending to be Kate and later on they get married, mostly because Pat seems to get some pleasure in shattering Kate’s dreams. We know this because Pat probably doesn’t care for Bill and carries on like she always did after they’re married which is why their marriage is in trouble when Kate gets back. It’s very clear that Pat is a psychopath, not the murdering one, but the kind that would make her a successful stockbroker on Wall Street in more progressive times. So not only does Kate have to deal with her one true love being her brother-in-law but how Pat’s making him suffer. Luckily Pat gets killed in a boating accident, but it doesn’t make Kate’s emotional state any easier, especially when she poses as her sister. Yeah, I know this film is soapy, but as far as identical twins go, Pat is basically your worst nightmare in a realistic sense.

26. Queen Cleopatra VII

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From: Cleopatra and other films

The Problem: Dynastic squabbles between power hungry royal relatives are the stuff of tales as old a time. I mean in Ancient Egypt from the Old Kingdom Pharaohs to the Hellenized Macedonian Ptolemies, killing and marrying siblings was something of a family tradition and not just limited to men (seriously, they were that messed up). And Cleopatra is not much different. I mean her dad had her two older sisters killed when they tried to seize the throne from him. Of course, she married her two of her half-brothers and belonged to a family more inbred than a West Virginia family reunion. The fact these were arranged marriages makes her being an adulteress with a preference for older men seem normal. But these incestuous marriages didn’t stop her from fighting wars or killing them. Oh, and did I tell you that her brothers were teenagers? And that she slaughtered her way to the top at just 21? When Ptolemy XIII made the mistake of killing Pompey and presenting his severed head to Julius Caesar, Cleopatra takes up with Caesar, has his baby, temporarily reconciled with her husband/half-brother, and had Ptolemy drown in his armor in the Nile River. She was promptly married to her other younger half-brother Ptolemy XIV but he was killed at 14 and the marriage was likely never consummated. You can guess what happened to hm. Oh, and her little sister Arsinoe was taken to Rome and executed as well  Still, while she was seen as a decent Egyptian ruler who unsuccessfully tried to keep her kingdom from being a Roman province, you certainly wouldn’t want her as your sister.

27. Ginger Fitzgerald

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From: Ginger Snaps

The Problem: Now this movie uses lycanthropy as a metaphor for puberty, but let’s just say you don’t want a werewolf for a sister. Now Ginger and her little sister Bridgette are 2 teenage girls with a fascination for death. But when they’re trying to kidnap a bully’s dog, Ginger is bitten by a strange creature in the woods. After that, Ginger starts becoming more aggressive, starts sprouting hair and a tail, and does other things that greatly concern Bridgette such as engaging in unprotected sex and killing a neighbor’s dog. Once Bridgette realizes what’s happening to her older sister, she tries to find a cure because she loves Ginger more than anything. Of course, Ginger is very protective of her to the point of killing people that look at her funny. She also kills 3 people including a guidance counselor, a janitor, and a fellow student. It’s even more disturbing how Ginger asks Bridgette to let her bite her so they can become their own pack. But as the film goes on, Ginger becomes more and more dangerous that it comes to the point that Bridgette has to kill her in self-defense.

28. Lydia Bennett

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From: Pride and Prejudice

The Problem: To be fair, Lydia probably wouldn’t be on this list if Jane Austen’s best known story took place in the 21st century where she’d be seen as nothing more than a mere embarrassment and George Wickham could be hauled away on statutory rape charges. Unfortunately, this story takes place during the Regency where child sex offender laws didn’t exist. Now Lydia is everything you’d expect in a bratty teenage girl. She’s selfish, completely self-involved, boy crazy, materialistic, and cares absolutely nothing about the people she hurt, the trouble she caused her family, and the consequences of her stupid actions. In fact, she won’t even acknowledge that her actions were stupid or had any damaging effects. And it doesn’t help that Mrs. Bennett is more indulgent on her than her sisters. But by Regency standards, she’s the sister and daughter from hell, especially since she likes to flirt with redcoats. This leads her to elope with George Wickham who has no intention of marrying her because of her family’s lack of wealth and is a possible sociopath. This almost results in her complete disgrace but luckily second sister Lizzie snagged Mr. Darcy who basically blackmails Wickham into marrying her. But even so, the youngest Bennett sister never seems to learn and is basically stuck with a man who’d put her through a lot of shit as well as the family.

29. Isabella Linton Heathcliff

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From: Wuthering Heights

The Problem: Now Isabella Linton isn’t a bad girl. She’s just teenage girl who’s too boy crazy over a guy she really needs to avoid. Seriously, when Heathcliff returns after a mysterious 3 year absence, Isabella is head over heels with this guy. Now we all know by this point is that Heathcliff isn’t in love with her, is deeply in love with Catherine Earnshaw and always will be, really didn’t take Cathy’s rejection for Edgar Linton very well at all, and is actively seeking vengeance. Isabella’s infatuation with Heathcliff is basically the worst possible thing to ever happen to Edgar Linton. I mean her crush on him makes Heathcliff’s goals of vengeance against the Lintons a whole lot easier. So it’s no surprise that Linton tells his sister that if she marries Heathcliff, he will cut ties with her, which he does. But even this doesn’t stop Heathcliff for trying to get back at him out of pure spite. Of course, there’s no hint he does this in the movie, but those who read the book or any summary certainly would find that Heathcliff’s wrath doesn’t just stop with his enemies. And it doesn’t help at all that he’s abusive to Isabella either.

30. Rose Michaels

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From: So I Married an Axe Murderer

The Problem: Now Charlie McKenzie is crazy about Harriet and Harriet is crazy about him. So they get married. However, problem is that Harriet has been married before a few times but all those marriages ended in death during their honeymoon that she’s now suspected as an infamous black widow “Mrs. X” which obviously causes a lot of concern. When he confronts Harriet of this, she just assumes that they just up and left her and feels like she’s developed a complex. Now Rose might seem like a sweet girl and a little shy. But during Charlie and Harriet’s honeymoon, Rose suddenly swipes at Charlie with an axe revealing herself to be the killer claiming that each husband took her sister away from her. Of course, it’s fair to say that Rose is an insane serial killer. Surely a sister’s wedding shouldn’t be described as an abduction. And her activities could’ve landed Harriet in prison if it weren’t for Charlie.

Mother’s Day Gifts Your Mom Doesn’t Want

Me and my mom at Saint Vincent during my feshman orientation in August of 2008.

Me and my mom at Saint Vincent College during my freshman orientation in August of 2008.

I know this is a little early but since Mother’s Day is on the second Sunday in May, it wouldn’t hurt for you to think about what to give your mother, assuming that she’s still alive and you’re on good terms with her. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to think about buying something for the mother of your kids, too. For many people, their mothers are usually the primary parents of their lives for a variety of reasons such as a 9 month gestation period, traditional gender roles, and how mothers usually tend to have child custody in a divorce case. But while bad mothers have existed, we have celebrated motherhood throughout the ages as well as great mothers. Still, if there is an argument for equal pay for women, paid maternity leave, universal healthcare, unionism, affordable childcare, or other social action in the US it’s because millions of American working moms provide for their families every day and the best this government can do is give them the support and respect they deserve. Besides, you won’t just find mothers doing housework but also working out in the world at almost every rung of the economic ladder. So it was basically a no brainer for some woman to come up with Mother’s Day, which she later regretted since it became conveniently engulfed with commercialism. Now I can go on and on about great Mother’s Day gift ideas like flowers, chocolates, or a new hat, but I think you’d find it boring and won’t read my post. Instead, I’ll focus on products that would make any mother gasp in horror. Now I’m not talking about the conventional homemade coupons but perhaps some of the more unusual. So without further adieu, here the many gifts that won’t please your mother. Some of these may not be safe for work by the way.

1. Waistband Stretcher

Sure it might make her feel comfortable in her jeans. But do you really want to ruin her self-image? Seriously, it's like telling your mother, "You're fat" as she uncovers the gift wrapping.

Sure it might make her feel comfortable in her jeans. But do you really want to ruin her self-image? Seriously, it’s like telling your mother, “You’re fat” as she uncovers the gift wrapping.

2.  Botox Gift Certificate

Because there's no better way to tell your mom she's seen better days and that crow's feet aren't a sign of graceful aging and wisdom. The kind of gift that would make any Wicked Queen want to kill Snow White.

Because there’s no better way to tell your mom she’s seen better days and that crow’s feet aren’t a sign of graceful aging and wisdom. The kind of gift that would make any Wicked Queen want to kill Snow White.

3. Happy Man Bottle Stopper

Oh, my God, since when does this make an appropriate Mother's Day gift? Seems more like the kind of present you'd want to give your college frat boy brother.

Oh, my God, since when does this make an appropriate Mother’s Day gift? Seems more like the kind of present you’d want to give your college frat boy brother.

4. Broom and Dustpan Slippers

Okay, this is actually pretty awesome. But does it make an appropriate Mother's Day gift? Sure it's a pain to have to duck down and clean up with a real broom and dustpan. But do you really want your mother's feet to look that ridiculous?

Okay, this is actually pretty awesome. But does it make an appropriate Mother’s Day gift? Sure it’s a pain to have to duck down and clean up with a real broom and dustpan. But do you really want your mother’s feet to look that ridiculous?

5. The Cuchini

This is something for women to put in their underwear if they have camel toe. Seriously, this is a terrible gift for any woman, let alone a mom. I mean just give her clothes that are looser around the crotch.

This is something for women to put in their underwear if they have camel toe. Seriously, this is a terrible gift for any woman, let alone a mom. I mean just give her clothes that are looser around the crotch.

6. Carpet Slippers

You might want the carpet to match the drapes. However, I'm not sure if you want your flip flops match the rug or be made from the rug. Might be quite convenient if you need to fetch the mail or take the dog out.

You might want the carpet to match the drapes. However, I’m not sure if you want your flip flops match the rug or be made from the rug. Might be quite convenient if you need to fetch the mail or take the dog out.

7. Chinchilla Apron

Yes, it's fake. But just because it's an apron, doesn't mean it belongs in the kitchen or anywhere else. Seriously, we're not in the Stone Age.

Yes, it’s fake. But just because it’s an apron, doesn’t mean it belongs in the kitchen or anywhere else. Seriously, we’re not in the Stone Age.

8. Assorted Chocolate Crocheted Satchels

I suppose this is the best way to tell Mom, "Hey Mom, I know you love to eat chocolate, but maybe you should just look at it instead. Oh, but don’t worry, it smells like the real thing! Enjoy!" Word of advice, spend your $25 on something she'd actually want like real chocolate.

I suppose this is the best way to tell Mom, “Hey Mom, I know you love to eat chocolate, but maybe you should just look at it instead. Oh, but don’t worry, it smells like the real thing! Enjoy!” Word of advice, spend your $25 on something she’d actually want like real chocolate!

9. Roach Slippers

For one, my house doesn't get roaches so my mother wouldn't use it anyway. Second, wouldn't it be better to save Mom the trouble by just hiring an exterminator? Seriously, why?

For one, my house doesn’t get roaches so my mother wouldn’t use it anyway. Second, wouldn’t it be better to save Mom the trouble by just hiring an exterminator? Seriously, why?

10. Emergency Bra

Is your town polluted as hell? Are you living in a combat zone? Do you think buying your mother bra is appropriate for Mother's Day? If no, then why the hell buy one? Also, if yes, to third question and a man, you might need to see a psychiatrist.

Ask yourself these questions: Is your town polluted as hell? Are you living in a combat zone? Do you think buying your mother bra is appropriate for Mother’s Day? If no, then why the hell buy one? Also, if yes, to third question and a man, you might need to see a psychiatrist.

11. Weight Watchers Gift Certificate

Let's just say even if the women in your life are having weight problems, weight loss related merchandise is a terrible idea for any occasion.

Let’s just say even if the women in your life are having weight problems, weight loss related merchandise is a terrible idea for any occasion. You really don’t want to call your mom fat on Mother’s Day.

12. Rejuvenique Face Mask

This is a facial toning mask which is supposed to tighten facial muscles through electric shocks. However, I'd rather recommend this as a Mother's Day gift for the self-conscious female serial killer.

This is a facial toning mask which is supposed to tighten facial muscles through electric shocks. However, I’d recommend this as a Mother’s Day gift for the self-conscious female serial killer. Pamela Voorhees and Mrs. Bates will absolutely love this!

13. Face Slimmer Duck Mask

Mother's Day gifts shouldn't pertain that Mom needs to slim down fat face even if she has a double chin and Venus rings. In fact, maybe we shouldn't give any face silimming contraptions to anyone. Still, better than Botox since you can at least take it out.

Mother’s Day gifts shouldn’t pertain that Mom needs to slim down fat face even if she has a double chin and Venus rings. In fact, maybe we shouldn’t give any face silimming contraptions to anyone, especially since it makes you look like you’ve had Botox injections on your lips!

14. Houreisen Face Exercise Mask

Basically nothing says Mother's Day like giving your mom a face stretching mask that makes her look like a Mexican wrestler. Seriously, I swear that Sister Incarnacion wore one just like it in Nacho Libre 2.

Basically nothing says Mother’s Day like giving your mom a face stretching mask that makes her look like a Mexican wrestler. Seriously, I swear that Sister Incarnacion wore one just like it in Nacho Libre 2.

15. Facial Flex

Now here's a way for Mom to flex her facial muscles to lift up her droopy skin without plastic surgery. Of course, this probably doesn't work and will make her look like a complete idiot.

Now here’s a way for Mom to flex her facial muscles to lift up her droopy skin without plastic surgery. Of course, this probably doesn’t work and will make her look like a complete idiot.

16. The Fat Magnet

It's supposed to remove unwanted fat from food. Still, not only is this a covertly insulting gift to Mom, but there's no way it actually works. If it did, I wouldn't come across it in the gift guides of Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva.

It’s supposed to remove unwanted fat from food. Still, not only is this a covertly insulting gift to Mom, but there’s no way it actually works. If it did, I wouldn’t come across it in the gift guides of Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva. Seriously, there are better things to spend $20.

17. Food Dress

I'm sorry but a salad dress is still a salad. Besides, unless you're Lady Tottington, I don't see how such fruit and veggie dresses would be appealing to any woman, let alone moms.

I’m sorry but a salad dress is still a salad. Besides, unless you’re Lady Tottington, I don’t see how such fruit and veggie dresses would be appealing to any woman, let alone moms.

18. Fancy, Fringy Daisy Dukes

For one, these aren't great to walk in since the fringes might get caught in something. Second, being unable to wear short shorts is not the end of the world. Third, those aren't even in style and look ridiculous.

For one, these aren’t great to walk in since the fringes might get caught in something. Second, being unable to wear short shorts is not the end of the world. Third, those aren’t even in style and look ridiculous.

19. Glitter Shitter

When your mother says she wants a sparkling toilet seat, I'm sure she didn't mean this, unless she's Lady Gaga. Seriously, nobody wants to crap in a commode that seems straight out of Elton John's disco era bathroom. Besides, toilet seats make terrible gifts anyway.

When your mother says she wants a sparkling toilet seat, I’m sure she didn’t mean this, unless she’s Lady Gaga. Seriously, nobody wants to crap in a commode that seems straight out of Elton John’s disco era bathroom. Besides, toilet seats make terrible gifts anyway.

20. Go Girl!

This is a female (travel) urinal device for when she has to pee in the outskirts of civilization and there's no bush in sight. Just place it under your shorts and hoo-ha and pee away. Still, better have your mom pee in peace and quiet, perhaps with a funnel. Or just give her a carry-on flushing toilet.

This is a female (travel) urinal device for when she has to pee in the outskirts of civilization and there’s no bush in sight. Just place it under your shorts and hoo-ha and pee away. Still, better have your mom pee in peace and quiet, perhaps with a funnel. Or just give her a carry-on flushing toilet.

21. Gold Poop Pills

If sparkly toilet seats aren't bad enough, we have to make our poop sparkle, too. Seriously, do any women want to see their own excrement glittering in the toilet bowl? Of course not! We want to see it flushed down into the septic system. A massive waste of $435 better spent on jewelry.

If sparkly toilet seats aren’t bad enough, we have to make our poop sparkle, too. Seriously, do any women want to see their own excrement glittering in the toilet bowl? Of course not! We want to see it flushed down into the septic system to the water treatment plant. A massive waste of $435 better spent on jewelry.

22. Hug-E-Gram

The kind of Mother's Day gift that says the Sunday bowling tournament is more important to you than seeing her in person on her special day. Seriously, if you can drive to her house and aren't working, why not you just ditch the bowling tournament and just see her in person, you insensitive jerk?

The kind of Mother’s Day gift that says the Sunday bowling tournament is more important to you than seeing her in person on her special day. Seriously, if you can drive to her house and aren’t working, why not you just ditch the bowling tournament and just see her in person, you insensitive jerk?

23. Hana Tsun Nose Straightener

If Adrien Brody can live with his long crooked nose and still have a career and attract a following of fangirls, then I don't see why anybody should need this. Seriously, your mom's nose is probably fine the way it is.

If Adrien Brody can live with his long crooked nose and still have a career as a leading man and attract a following of fangirls, then I don’t see why anybody needs this. Seriously, your mom’s nose is probably fine the way it is.

24. Cooking for the Clueless DVD

Okay, even if your mom is a lousy cook who can use a few lessons, Mother's Day isn't the time of year to bring that up.

Okay, even if your mom is a lousy cook who can use a few lessons, Mother’s Day isn’t the time of year to bring that up.

25. Hand Dipped Roses

Instead of dumping $800 on this floral thing, you're probably better off with giving her a bouquet of fresh flowers, jewelry, or both. Seriously, she'd appreciate it more and it's a better option for your wallet.

Instead of dumping $800 on this floral thing, you’re probably better off with giving her a bouquet of fresh flowers, jewelry, or both. Seriously, she’d appreciate it more and it’s a better option for your wallet.

26. Parenting Manual

Basically giving your mom a book on parenting for Mother's Day is like giving Robinson Crusoe a book on how to survive on a deserted island. This is especially insulting if she's a grandmother.

Basically giving your mom a book on parenting for Mother’s Day is like giving Robinson Crusoe a book on how to survive on a deserted island. This is especially insulting if she’s a grandmother.

27. Twilight Edward Cullen Pillow

Seriously, why get your mom a cuddly pillow of a 107 year old vampire who goes after high school girls? I mean Edward Cullen is a stalking, controlling, and predatory creep who should have a restraining order against him. Not his likeness on a body pillow.

Seriously, why get your mom a cuddly pillow of a 107 year old vampire who goes after high school girls? I mean Edward Cullen is a stalking, controlling, and predatory creep who should have a restraining order against him. Not his likeness on a body pillow.

28. Wine Holder Necklace

Some women love wine. Some women love jewelry. Some women love both. However, combine wine with jewelry into this with the potential to make a mess of wine and broken glass, that's absurd.

Some women love wine. Some women love jewelry. Some women love both. However, combine wine with jewelry into this with the potential to make a mess of wine and broken glass, that’s absurd.

29. Muscle Tights

Okay, maybe these tights are making this woman look too exposed. Seriously, put some skin over them. Also, these look utterly disgusting and more suited for live models in anatomy classes.

Okay, maybe these tights are making this woman look too exposed. Seriously, put some skin over them. Also, these look utterly disgusting and more suited for live models in anatomy classes.

30. Picnic Pants

Sure your mom may be too busy to go on a picnic, but that doesn't mean she's desperate enough to risk looking ridiculous. Comes with a cup holder on a pant leg. Resembles a cross between denim harem pants and a tent.

Sure your mom may be too busy to go on a picnic, but that doesn’t mean she’s desperate enough to risk looking ridiculous. Comes with a cup holder on a pant leg. Resembles a cross between denim harem pants and a tent.

31. Predator Claw Rings

Sure they may make your mom look sharp, but perhaps you should hold on to your $1800 and give her a gifts certificate for a manicure at the spa instead. She'd probably appreciate that way more.

Sure they may make your mom look sharp, but perhaps you should hold on to your $1800 and give her a gifts certificate for a manicure at the spa instead. She’d probably appreciate that way more.

32. Private Laptop Viewer

When your mom said that she wanted some private time to look on her laptop, this was probably not what she was talking about. Seriously, looks like she's been swallowed by a giant sock.

When your mom said that she wanted some private time to look on her laptop, this was probably not what she was talking about. Seriously, looks like she’s been swallowed by a giant sock.

33. Razorbra Back Shaver

Now I'm familiar with men having back hair, but I'm not sure if women do or not. If so, it's hardly an issue. Seriously, it's barely noticeable in photos, well, compared to men's at least.

Now I’m familiar with men having back hair, but I’m not sure if women do or not. If so, it’s hardly an issue. Seriously, it’s barely noticeable in photos, well, compared to men’s at least.

34. Frownies

I'm sure these Botox band-aids will retrain her facial muscles and restore lost youthful beauty without surgery, lotions, or exercises. Either that, or make her look like an idiot with cut out band-aids on her face.

I’m sure these Botox band-aids will retrain her facial muscles and restore lost youthful beauty without surgery, lotions, or exercises. Either that, or make her look like an idiot with cut out band-aids on her face.

35. Suction-Powered Lip Plumper

Now your mother can get luscious, plump, bee stung lips with this device that works by using technology of bicycle pumps or weird sounding flutes from bad cartoons. Seriously, why the hell does this even exist?

Now your mother can get luscious, plump, bee stung lips with this device that works by using technology of bicycle pumps or weird sounding flutes from bad cartoons. Seriously, why the hell does this even exist?

36. Cleavage Pillow

This Intima cleavage pillow provides a soft place for your mom's cleavage and helps treat the little known problem of cleavage wrinkles. Yeah, I didn't know about cleavage wrinkles either.

This Intima cleavage pillow provides a soft place for your mom’s cleavage and helps treat the little known problem of cleavage wrinkles. Yeah, I didn’t know about cleavage wrinkles either.

37. Aerator Sandals

These spiked sandals will open up the soil wherever she walks in the yard. If she prefers walking along dark alleys at night, they can be used as weapons.

These spiked sandals will open up the soil wherever she walks in the yard. If she prefers walking along dark alleys at night, they can be used as weapons.

38. High Heel Wine Bottle Holder

I'm sure this would be the perfect Mother's Day gift for the alcoholic mom with a poor taste in interior decorating. Seriously, that thing is utterly hideous.

I’m sure this would be the perfect Mother’s Day gift for the alcoholic mom with a poor taste in interior decorating. Seriously, that thing is utterly hideous.

39. Trenchcoat Night Shirt

When it comes to sexiness, this is about as alluring as a man in a T-shirt tuxedo top. Also, this is not at all an appropriate gift for your mom on Mother's Day. Seriously, why?

When it comes to sexiness, this is about as alluring as a man in a T-shirt tuxedo top. Also, this is not at all an appropriate gift for your mom on Mother’s Day. Seriously, why?

40. “Won’t It Be Fun If It’s Pink?” Kitchen Appliances

While my mom is perfectly okay with having a knife in cutting board. If I gave her a knife and cutting board set that resembled something from the Barbie Kitchen Collection, that wouldn't go over well.

While my mom is perfectly okay with having a knife in cutting board. If I gave her a knife and cutting board set that resembled something from the Barbie Kitchen Collection, it wouldn’t go over well.

41. Bare Lifts Breast Support

Now many mom's may have sagging boobies and may wish to have them perk up once in awhile. However, a gift like this on Mother's Day is a very bad idea.

Now many mom’s may have sagging boobies and may wish to have them perk up once in awhile. However, a gift like this on Mother’s Day is a very bad idea.

42. Fix a Flop Repair Kit

Hey, look, flip flops are basically a dime a dozen so it's not like you need to have them repaired unless you're Tom Hanks in Castaway. Seriously, if your flip flops break, do what Mom does, get a new pair of flip flops.

Hey, look, flip flops are basically a dime a dozen so it’s not like you need to have them repaired unless you’re Tom Hanks in Castaway. Seriously, if your flip flops break, do what Mom does, get a new pair of flip flops.

43. Solar Mooning Gnome

I'm sure your mom would want nothing more at night than seeing a saggy, bare, glow-in-the dark gnome ass in her flower garden. Yeah right.

I’m sure your mom would want nothing more at night than seeing a saggy, bare, glow-in-the dark gnome ass in her flower garden. Yeah right.

44. Wine Bottle Wine Glass

Now this is the perfect Mother's Day gift for alcoholics. However, just because your mother is a bit too much into wine doesn't mean you should give her one of these. Seriously, it might make you a codependent in some cases.

Now this is the perfect Mother’s Day gift for alcoholics. However, just because your mother is a bit too much into wine doesn’t mean you should give her one of these. Seriously, it might make you a codependent in some cases.

45. Squat Strap

For the outdoorsy mom who hates having to squat in the woods, this offers valuable support for answering the call of nature. Sure there may other uses for it other than taking a shit in the woods but that's not what you imagine Mom doing is it?

For the outdoorsy mom who hates having to squat in the woods, this offers valuable support for answering the call of nature. Sure there may other uses for it other than taking a shit in the woods but that’s not what you imagine Mom doing is it?

46. Crazy Cat Lady Game

Think of it as a game capturing all the fun of collecting herds of diseased feral cats without having to deal with cleaning up urine or being arrested by animal control. Yeah, I'm sure it's fun for all ages.

Think of it as a game capturing all the fun of collecting herds of diseased feral cats without having to deal with cleaning up urine or being arrested by animal control. Yeah, I’m sure it’s fun for all ages.

47. Super Kegel Exerciser

This is supposed to be an exercise contraption for pelvic muscles. Said to enhance a woman's sexual pleasure while toning her thighs, ass, lower abs. Also, said to help with urine incontinence. However, I'd sure as hell not want to be known for buying that doohickey for my mother.

This is supposed to be an exercise contraption for pelvic muscles. Said to enhance a woman’s sexual pleasure while toning her thighs, ass, lower abs. Also, said to help with urine incontinence. However, I’d sure as hell not want to be known for buying that doohickey for my mother.

48. Ouch Cutting Board

A cutting board for the mother who loves to cook, take part in voodoo ceremonies, and wanting to settle scores with the people who wronged you without being arrested.

A cutting board for the mother who loves to cook, take part in voodoo ceremonies, and wanting to settle scores with the people who wronged you without being arrested.

49. Play Doh Perfume

Yes, give your mother the kind of gift that brings her back to the days when she used to get bits of this substance from out of the carpet. Not something she wants to remember.

Yes, give your mother the kind of gift that brings her back to the days when she used to get bits of this substance from out of the carpet. Not something she wants to remember.

50. Chocolate Jesus

For the Catholic mom on Mother's Day, would I recommend this chocolate crucifix? No way in Hell. However, as a Catholic, I wouldn't really say no to chocolate, no matter the kind of sacrilegious shape it may take.

For the Catholic mom on Mother’s Day, would I recommend this chocolate crucifix? No way in Hell. However, as a Catholic, I wouldn’t say no to chocolate, regardless of sacrilegious shape.

51. Slipper Genie

I'm sure when your mom asked for slippers on Mother's Day, she asked for ones she can ask and kick back in. Not ones she can clean the floor with. Give her mop for that instead.

I’m sure when your mom asked for slippers on Mother’s Day, she asked for ones she can ask and kick back in. Not ones she can clean the floor with. Give her mop for that instead.

52. Steve Buscemi Dress

Face it, even if your mother is a diehard Steve Buscemi fan, I'm sure she would dread if she received a dress like this. I think you're better off with giving her a boxed DVD set of Boardwalk Empire instead.

Face it, even if your mother is a diehard Steve Buscemi fan, I’m sure she would dread if she received a dress like this. I’m sure it makes such a sexy model look very unsexy indeed with having Steve Buscemi on her chest. I think you’re better off with giving her a boxed DVD set of Boardwalk Empire instead. A DVD of Fargo is a good choice, too.

53. Portable Speaker Shoes

Sure your mom may like music and shoes. But I'm not sure if she'd want to have her music blasting at the feet of her soles. May I suggest that Billy Joel's "Stiletto" would make a very appropriate soundtrack for these.

Sure your mom may like music and shoes. But I’m not sure if she’d want to have her music blasting at the feet of her soles. May I suggest that Billy Joel’s “Stiletto” would make a very appropriate soundtrack for these.

54. Measuring Tape Belt

Now this is a perfect Mother's Day gift that would give mom a way to pull her pants up as well as heighten her waistline insecurities at the same time. Yeah, you'd probably want to pass on this one, even if your mom has weight problems.

Now this is a perfect Mother’s Day gift that would give mom a way to pull her pants up as well as heighten her waistline insecurities at the same time. Yeah, you’d probably want to pass on this one, even if your mom has weight problems.

55. Subtle Butt Gas Filters

I'm sure there is a time and place to remind your mother that she has a problem with flatuence. However, Mother's Day isn't one of those times.

I’m sure there is a time and place to remind your mother that she has a problem with flatulence. However, Mother’s Day isn’t one of those times.

56. Tissue Box Photo Cover

Moms may like photos of their kids. But sometimes just because you can stick a photo on something, doesn't mean you should. Please, drop the creepy keepsakes ideas and go with a traditional frame.

Moms may like photos of their kids. But sometimes just because you can stick a photo on something, doesn’t mean you should. Please, drop the creepy keepsakes ideas and go with a traditional frame.

57. Uterus Flowers

If your mom isn't one of those New Age hippie types who thinks consuming animal products is murder, then I wouldn't recommend this as a Mother's Day gift. Seriously, avoid such flower arrangements like the plague.

If your mom isn’t one of those New Age hippie types who thinks consuming animal products is murder, then I wouldn’t recommend this as a Mother’s Day gift. Seriously, avoid such flower arrangements like the plague.

58. Wake-N-Bacon Alarm Clock

There may be plenty of mothers who want to wake up to the smell of bacon in bed. But I'm not sure if this is just right for Mother's Day.

There may be plenty of mothers who want to wake up to the smell of bacon in bed. But I’m not sure if this is just right for Mother’s Day.

59. Wearable Luggage

These ponchos may carry 33lbs but there's no room for pride, shame, or positive reputation. Also, gives the term, "bag lady" a whole new meaning. For Mother's Day, you might want to stick with a purse instead.

These ponchos may carry 33lbs but there’s no room for pride, shame, or positive reputation. Also, gives the term, “bag lady” a whole new meaning. For Mother’s Day, you might want to stick with a purse instead.

60. Burt Reynolds Tea Towel

I'm sure your mom wouldn't want to use the 1970s Burt Reynolds centerfold when she hosts her next tea party. Seriously, this is a Mother's Day gift in poor taste.

I’m sure your mom wouldn’t want to use the 1970s Burt Reynolds centerfold when she hosts her next tea party. Seriously, this is a Mother’s Day gift in poor taste.

Bad Movie Mothers

Not to be outdone, while there are a lot of bad movie fathers out there in cinema, mothers could be just as bad. Just because women were biologically created to bear children for 9 months doesn’t mean they’re any better parents. Yet, we tend to be more shocked by bad mothering simply because we kind of expect more from moms than dads. In fact, it’s possible for a man to be a dad and not even know it. Yet, this is mostly due to sexism, double standards, and all the lurid  stories on the news that pertain to crime and abuse. You know, sensationalism. However, when it comes to movies, let’s say that the moms are just as bad even if their activities tend to be more horrifying. Still, while we have women like Mrs. Gump, Mrs. Weasley, Mildred Pierce, and Mrs. Miniver, there are also a lot of movie moms who’ve made their kids’ lives such a living hell that you’d probably not want to send flowers to them. Nevertheless, for those who’ve grown up with a mom who’s constantly told you to clean your room, do the dishes, take out the garbage, and eat your vegetables as well as sometimes embarrassed you with giving you a set of pink bunny pajamas for Christmas, remember you could have to deal with moms as bad as these movie ones I list here. Also, includes stepmothers as well. So without further adieu, here is a list of monstrous movie matriarchs, you’d be glad not to have. And if you are a mom, at least it would make you happier about your parenting skills.

1. The Wicked Queen

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From: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
The Problem: Disney isn’t well known for its share of great parents (at least ones who don’t actually die in the middle of the movie). I mean there’s a lot of incompetent dads like the Sultan and Maurice as well as evil stepmothers. And as far as evil stepmothers go, I have to give that honor to the wicked queen. This woman basically puts a hit on Snow White all because she upstaged her on the Magic Mirror’s list of the Fairest One of All. I mean she sends a huntsman to rip out her heart and put it in a box as well as gave her stepdaughter a poisoned apple that put her into a deep sleep that could only be broken through sexual assault. All because of the Wicked Queen being jealous of her looks and upset about aging. Look, sister, I’d totally understand you wanting to knock off Snow White since she’ll soon reach the age of maturity and rule on her own (assuming your husband is dead), which will put you out of a job as regent and I’m sure you really enjoy the post. Then again, it’s not like she’ll be prepared for it since you made her spend a lot of her time in rags scrubbing the castle sidewalk. However, wanting to kill your stepdaughter just because a magic mirror said she was hotter than you is just fucking stupid! Look, if a magic mirror told me that I was no longer the Fairest One of All, I’d just book that Magic Mirror on the Wall an appointment with Mr. Sledgehammer. Seriously, even if you do kill Snow White, the mirror would probably name some other woman the Fairest One of All. Not worth it.
2. Joan Crawford

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From: Mommie Dearest
The Problem: Now this movie is based on a memoir by Joan’s daughter Christina who might not have presented an accurate portrait of her adoptive mother, which has been hotly contested by Bette Davis, Myrna Loy, a few of her biographers, her two younger daughters, and three of her ex-husbands. Still, it didn’t stop the legendary star from Mildred Pierce to have her public reputation ultimately destroyed. Nevertheless, while Joan desperately wants children for the sake of the publicity, she’s a control freak out of control. At one moment, she’s lavishing luxuries, only to take them away the next. She also fosters constant competition, chops Christina’s hair like a madwoman, and beating her child with a wire hanger (for hanging a dress with one). Oh, and though she screams about wanting a spotless house, she’s willing to destroy rooms just to make them clean up. Not to mention, she strapped Christopher to his bed in order to keep him from jerking off. Now that is one crazy bitch! So who the hell did her background check at the adoption agency?
3. Mrs. Windle Vale

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From: Now, Voyager
The Problem: Now Mrs. Vale has raised her daughter Charlotte to be her lifelong companion as well as do whatever she says whether it means where to spend her time, what she reads, or how to dress. And she’s been trying to control and socially isolate Charlotte since she’d tried to run off with that sailor, basically preventing her daughter from having her own life. Not to mention, she has to be constantly reminded that her mom had her in her 40s and still sees her as an unwanted child. Unsurprisingly this drives Charlotte into a nervous breakdown that Dr. Jacquith has to get her to his sanitorium for depressed rich people. Of course, after rehab, a cruise, an extramarital affair, and a Dior wardrobe, Charlotte blossoms into a new woman, but her mother is just as determined to destroy her little girl once more. And even when Charlotte basically sticks up for herself, Mrs. Vale always tries to pull any deliberate stunt to guilt her, even falling down the stairs. Yet, all throughout Mrs. Vale always seems to take pleasuring in torment her daughter. What a bitch.
4. Deirdre Burroughs

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From: Running with Scissors
The Problem: While Joan Crawford’s parenting skills can be debated, you can’t really say the same for Augusten Burroughs’ mother. Sure he’d grow up to be a famous author but still, he had a terrible childhood. His father, Norman is an alcoholic and absentee. Yet, it’s his mother, Deirdre who really makes things hell for him with her severe mood swings and erratic behavior as well as a conviction that the rest of the world is slightly dumber and less deserving of attention and praise. By the time Augusten hits puberty, he no longer feels safe because of his folks and it’s his mother who thinks her husband is out to kill her. Nevertheless, when his parents split and too obsessed with her own problems, she sends him to the house of her shrink and his eccentric family (as well as has a relationship with a schizo man in his 30s) as well as a room called a, “masturbatorium.” Still, as Deirdre becomes more mentally unsound, Augusten thinks she no longer wants him. Great mother for any aspiring writer looking for material, but puts children at a high risk therapy future. Also, it says a lot about Deirdre that while Augusten managed to reconcile with his dad, he’s still estranged from his mom to this day.
5. Margaret White

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From: Carrie
The Problem: From the pages of Stephen King, Margaret White is certainly the worst mother any high school girl could have, even by the standards of most Christian Fundamentalists. Now puberty is tough for any teenage girl, but if your mother is the kind of scary religious nutjob Carrie has, then well, you might as just run away from home. Seems like Margaret really missed the memo that all little girls grow up and basically views anything a girl experiences during adolescence as sinful. This doesn’t help that she fervently believes that all sex is sinful even within marriage and has no problem abusing Carrie in the name of God, even if it means harming herself to get her to obey as well as quoting from Bible verses that don’t really exist. Have period in the showers? Tell her she started due to sinning and drag her kicking and screaming to a Christian effigy to beg forgiveness. Go on first date? Throw burning tea into Carrie’s face and tell her she’s dirty? And when Carrie makes her own prom dress, Margaret insist she burn it and pray for forgiveness because the color red is sinful. Also, zap her with telekinetic powers? Margaret will call you a witch, denounce you as Satan spawn, and try to kill you. Is it any wonder that Carrie goes nuts with her supernatural powers and blows up the school during prom?
6. Mrs. Bates

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From: Psycho
The Problem: Well, she’s technically dead by the time the movie begins, but let’s just say she and Norman had a very twisted relationship, which was in no way healthy for either of them. Of course, Mrs. Bates’ overbearing personality and verbal abuse took a great toll on Norman who became attached to her in a very unhealthy way (guess social isolation is at play). Not to mention, she filled his head with how evil and sinful other women are, which explains why he murdered Marion Crane in the shower (because he was sexually attracted to her). Still, it shouldn’t be a surprise that Mrs. Bates was murdered by her son when she got a boyfriend (out of fear he was being replaced). Yet, this doesn’t stop her from abusing Norman in his head from well beyond the grave or as the corpse hiding in the cellar that is. “A boy’s best friend is his mother” indeed.
7. Beth Jarrett

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From: Ordinary People
The Problem: When it comes to mourning a dead child, it can be especially tough for families. Yet, despite being played by Mary Tyler Moore, Beth is hardly a source of support for her surviving son Conrad after her favorite son Buck drowns during a boating accident. Now since Conrad was with his brother at the time, he’s understandably messed up to the point where he tries to kill himself. By the time the movie begins, he’s been released from a psychiatric hospital and has started attending therapy with Dr. Berger working to help him come out of the emotional shell he’s constructed. Conrad’s father Calvin tries to make his son happy and eventually sees Dr. Berger himself. Yet, Beth doesn’t and is still tied up with Buck who was always her favorite son but she’d rather deny her loss as well as maintain her composure and restore the family to it once was. In fact, instead of helping her son heal, she remains cold and unaffectionate. And it’s later found out, during the Christmas scenes that Beth never visited Conrad while he was in the hospital as well as would rather spend the holidays without him. Still, it comes to the point in which even Calvin is questioning whether Beth loved him or is incapable of loving anyone. In some ways, you wonder if Beth wishes that Conrad died in that boating accident instead, which really makes me cringe.
8. Rose-Ann D’Arcey

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From: A Patch of Blue
The Problem: Shelley Winters has made a career of playing bad mothers as well as women who’ve endured their share of abuse. Yet, she won a second Oscar for Supporting Actress by playing this monster of a mother who’d make Cinderella’s stepmother seem like June Cleaver in comparison. Sure Rose-Ann is a prostitute and an alcoholic who keeps her teenage blind daughter Selina in almost total social isolation that she has no friends and has never received an education. During the day, Selina just does housework and strings beads for supplemental income with her only pleasure of spending a day in the park if she’s lucky. Now Rose-Ann is just as demeaning as she’s abusive and selfish. She thinks nothing of her daughter’s welfare and sees no problem forcing her to follow in her footsteps. Yet, Rose-Ann was also responsible for throwing chemicals in Selina’s face in the first place while attempting to hit her husband (which left Selina blind yet Rose-Ann blames her). However, the worst thing about her is that when Selina was raped by one of her clients, an incident that forced Rose-Ann to rent a second room for her business. But what makes it really bad is that she blames her daughter for the trouble it caused her.
9. Mary Lee Johnston

mary
From: Precious
The Problem: Where do I begin? Of course, this is a role that earned Mo’Nique the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. Now while Precious’ father is a real piece of shit who repeatedly raped and impregnated her twice as well as gave her AIDS, he’s not nearly as memorable as Mary. Of course, Mary is just as bad since with her abuse ranging from the physical to the emotional, “You’re a dummy, bitch! You will never know shit! Don’t nobody want you, don’t nobody need you!” As for Precious being raped by her father and having two kids to him, well, Mary just does nothing to protect her, blames her daughter for the lot, and refers her as, “the other woman.” And while Precious tries to make a better life for herself, she’s there to dash any and all hope. This isn’t a mother, but a straight up monster beyond all description.
10. Beverly R. Sutphin

SerialMom_web
From: Serial Mom
The Problem: Unlike most of the mothers on this list, Beverly doesn’t really do anything terrible to her kids and seems like a standard 1950s suburban housewife on the surface. Yet, underneath the Stepford wife façade she’s a serial killer knocking off anyone who gets in her way, sometimes over the most trivial and perceived slights. Son’s math teacher berating your parenting as well as questions your son’s health and family life? Run him over with your car. Daughter gets stood up by her date for another girl? Kill him in the bathroom with a fire poker at the local flea market. Husband gets called away to treat a patient’s chronic toothache? Stab his wife with scissors you borrow from a neighbor and cause the air conditioner to fall on said patient. Local woman calls your son, “son of a psycho?” Follow her home and bludgeon her to death with a leg of lamb while singing along to the victim’s rented copy of Annie. Get caught by her neighbor? Chase him with your car, catch him at the local club, and set him aflame. Neighbor steals your parking space? Send a series of obscene phone calls. Wear white shoes after Labor Day? Follow victim to pay phone and fatally strike her on the head with a receiver. Now I guess she’s not setting a good example for her kids, isn’t she? Kind of makes Dexter seem like, “Father of the Year.” Movie based on an urban legend, by the way.
11. Jade
From: The Hangover
The Problem: Now I don’t think Jade being a stripper or prostitute in Las Vegas makes her a bad mother. After all, there are plenty of moms in the “adult” entertainment business who are just trying to provide for their kids. However, what puts her on the list is that she took her baby to work with her during a boozy night and left him in a hotel room with three drunken idiots and a tiger. Of course, what gets me is that this woman’s son was missing for hours yet, she seems to take her baby’s disappearance remarkably calm. I mean there’s nothing to suggest she called the police or appears the least worried about him when they meet her in her apartment. Oh, and she married one of the idiots as well and her baby wasn’t at the wedding. Seems like this boy’s guardian angel was working overtime if you ask me. Still, when a guy like Alan Garner (who certainly shouldn’t have kids) can keep a better watchful eye on a baby than his own mother, you can see why Jade belongs on the list.
12. Hattie Dorsett

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From: Sybil
The Problem: Sybil is a bespectacled substitute teacher who has 13 personalities. Understandably, this really creates a lot of difficulties in her life that she starts seeing a therapist to help sort things out. Turns out that these 13 personalities were the result of a terrible childhood under the care of her paranoid schizophrenic mother, Hattie. What Sibyl endured under her was unspeakable abuse (at least physical yet, nobody questioned what was going on despite the various injuries she sustained and this includes her father, grandmother, and even pediatrician). Nevertheless, though this movie may seem it was taken from some Lifetime Movie of the Week, but I’m sure this woman definitely belongs on this list. May even eat Precious’ mother for breakfast.
13. Eleanor Shaw Iselin

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From: The Manchurian Candidate
The Problem: Those who remember Angela Lansbury from voicing Mrs. Potts in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast would find that she didn’t always play charming grandmotherly types. In this one, she’s basically one of the cruelest and trippiest mothers in screen history. Despite being married to a close vegetable clone of Senator Joe McCarthy (alcoholic red-baiting bastard), Eleanor is actually a communist agent quietly working to overthrow the US government with her Manchurian Candidate (her John Bircher husband) and brainwashes her former Korean War POW son Raymond Shaw into becoming a political assassin and sleeper agent, subconsciously activated with a particular trigger (the Queen of Diamonds). Basically this brainwashing leads Raymond to kill his new wife and her father during the honeymoon. Oh, and let’s say that Raymond and Ellie’s relationship is more than of the familial variety (where they get a bed scene in the novel). Yet, I’m sure she’s justified since world domination is at stake. All in all, who’s mommy’s little assassin? Who’s mommy’s little assassin?
14. Olivia Foxworth

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From: Flowers in the Attic
The Problem: Well, besides being played by the kind of woman you wouldn’t want near your bedside in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Olivia is perhaps the worst grandmother in all of fiction. For one, she disinherits her daughter over her marrying her half-uncle. Second, though she tells Corinne that she could stay and inherit a family fortune as long as she keeps hides her four kids in the attic. Third, Olivia uses her daughter’s incestuous marriage in the most religiously hypocritical way to starve, abuse, lie, blackmail, and dehumanize her grandchildren as well as commit outright murder among other things. And she sees these totally innocent products of incest as, “devil’s spawn.” Not to mention, while a lot of grandmothers are known for baking cookies, hers are laced with arsenic to slowly poison her grandkids. Oh, and when she puts the kiddies up in the attic, she basically says, “So that you understand me now, I will give you food and shelter, but never kindness or love. For it is impossible to feel anything but disgust for what is not wholesome.” Sheesh, thank God my grandmother’s nothing like that.
15. Mama Fratelli
From: The Goonies
The Problem: Anne Ramsey has made a career of playing ugly bad mothers from the 1980s and Mama Fratelli is no exception. Now this woman really is a terrible sight to behold. For one, she hates kids despite having 3 of them. Second, she raised them to be thugs, killers, and scumbags. Third, though she’s an abusive parent, her son Francis is obviously her favorite while her treatment of Sloth is utterly horrifying. I mean she dropped him on his head a few times as well as chained him to a wall. How unforgivable.
16. Violet Venable

Suddenly Last Summer Katherine Hepburn
From: Suddenly, Last Summer
The Problem: Sure she’s played by Katharine Hepburn, but Mrs. Venable makes Eleanor of Aquitaine seem like a Madonna in comparison in this Tennessee Williams adaptation. And I mean she’s just, oh, where to begin? For one, she promises to fund the state hospital to build a new wing as long as brain surgeon Dr. John Curkowicz can perform a lobotomy on her niece Catherine. Now Catherine is already experiencing shock from what happened to Violet’s son Sebastian last summer during their disastrous European vacation that her memory’s a bit fuzzy. Oh, and did I say her aunt Violet committed her to a mental institution where she’s raped by one of the staff? And she’s also having her committed to the state mental hospital, too. Yet, once the film goes on, you realize Violet’s main reason for forcing a lobotomy on Catherine has more to do with wanting to hide the truth about the circumstances behind her son’s death (like cannibalism) as well as his sordid personal life (he was a flamingly light in the loafers, to put it lightly). Second, she also has Cathy’s mother and brother consent to the commitment and lobotomy just so they could receive a considerable inheritance from Sebastian’s will. Third, it’s very clear her feelings for Sebastian were more than just familial as well as idealizes him as “chaste” though we later find out he was anything but (for those trips to Europe weren’t just about just writing poetry. Still, doesn’t stop Violet from referring to her and Sebastian as a “couple”). Not to mention, another reason why Violet may want Cathy’s frontal brain removed may have something to do with her resentment toward her as well (mostly because Cathy could give Sebastian the boy toys and she can’t). Yes, this woman would use any means at her disposal to protect her son’s legacy even if it means ruining her niece’s life.
17. Mama Rose Hovick

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From: Gypsy
The Problem: As the stage mother of the legendary stripper Gypsy Rose Lee and actress June Havoc, Mama Rose is determined to make her two daughters stars and will stop at nothing to achieve her goal, even if she has to drag them all the way across the country to get them noticed. The acts are childish, innocent stage personae that they become unable to keep up as they grow older (and are becoming incredibly sick of). She’d also go as far as to give them multiple 10th birthday parties to trick them they were indefinitely 10 years old so she could milk them for all they were worth. What their daughters really want is their mother just to settle down with her boyfriend Herbie and have a normal life. Eventually their controlling mother’s attention becomes too much for June to bear that she gets married and runs away. And then she turns her attentions to Louise (Gypsy Rose at the time) yet by that time, Vaudeville children’s shows are basically a thing of the past. So seeing burlesque as the only way for Louise to be a star, Mama Rose makes her become a stripper. Gypsy Rose Lee becomes very successful as a result but she’s disgusted nonetheless. And yes, this woman was real as well as sets the criteria for your stereotypical stage mother.
18. Erica Sayers

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From: Black Swan
The Problem: Of course, even when she grows up, a daughter will always be her mother’s little girl. Unfortunately, for Nina Sayers, her mother seems to have taken this idea up to the extreme. I mean, considering she’s a ballerina, Nina is probably in her twenties (at most), yet she sleeps in a room designed for a six-year-old girl and her mom seems to treat her like one, too, (I mean she cuts her nails, dresses her, and puts mittens on her to so she won’t scratch herself). Oh, and it’s full of holes so Erica can spy on her, which is very creepy in itself. Still, I always think that Erica is one of those stage mothers who forces her daughter to live her dreams because she had the misfortune of having her ballerina career come to an abrupt end by getting knocked up. And she’s still quite bitter about it. Still, all her verbal abuse and psychological torture on Nina takes a heavy toll on her psyche and it’s very clear that she’s already quite mentally unstable, sexually repressed, and emotionally stunted by the time the movie starts. Not to mention, she harms herself and has an eating disorder. Oh, and did I tell you that Erica is sleeping in the same room Nina is masturbating in during one scene? And it gets far worse from there, especially with the fact she’s such a perfectionist and obsessed with making mama proud. Sort of makes Mama Rose seem normal.
19. Janine “Smurf” Cody

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From: Animal Kingdom
The Problem: When 17 year old Joshua Cody’s mom dies of a heroin overdose, he’s sent to live with his grandmother Janine, and uncles. Sure she seems affectionate enough, but that might be an act. Unfortunately, Janine is the matriarch of the Melbourne crime family that specializes in armed robbery with one uncle doing some drug dealing on the side as well as carries an utterly ruthless streak. Joshua’s uncles let him learn the ropes of the family business, yet this leads to his girlfriend Nicky getting killed by one of them, just to keep her silent. Joshua calls the cops which results in two of his uncles’ arrested and jailed. Now Janine tries to get her two remaining sons out of jail by basically arranging her grandson to be killed if he ever dares to testify. So by the end of the movie, she has two sons dead, one in a catatonic state, and a grandson utterly morally conflicted, corrupted, and devastated. Still, when it comes to crime matriarchs, she’s one of the most frightening. Also, may love her sons in a way that’s off-putting.
20. Lilly Dillon

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From: The Grifters
The Problem: While her old man played the dad from hell in Chinatown, Anjelica Huston takes as a veteran con woman who comes bursting into her estranged son Roy’s life with the violence and passion of an ex-lover. And let me tell you, Lilly and Roy have a very interesting relationship possibly akin to Oedipus Rex. Sure she had him at 14 and gave him up for adoption but you’d probably think their relationship should’ve ended there. Then again could she just be motivate by just plain hatred? Yet, by the end of the day, there’s nothing more important to Lilly than mama’s little boy, except maybe expanding mama’s little bank account. Yet, she always reminds her son that he’s not good enough for anything, even being a lousy crook. Still, this doesn’t stop her from trying to seduce him, slitting his throat, stealing all his money, and leaving him bleed to death.
21. Monica Swinton
From: A. I. Artificial Intelligence
The Problem: Now I know it’s hard when your kid falls into a coma. And I can see why any parent would want a “replacement” child even if it’s a robot. But even if your real kid is cured, there’s no excuse for any mother her to abandon her android kid in the woods who’s been “courting” to win her love. Now robot child or not, what Monica Swinton did was just cruel.
22. Corrine Dollaganger

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From: Flowers in the Attic
The Problem: Sure the Dollagangers may seem like a perfect family from the outside. But when Chris is killed on the night of his 36th birthday and the Dollagangers find themselves in financial ruin, Corrine resolves to visit her childhood home Foxworth Hall, home of her old man who disinherited her over her marriage (to her uncle, no doubt). However, she’s so determined to win back the inheritance and get back into her family’s good graces that she’s willing to let her mother put her four kids in an attic for extra space to live and play until the old man croaks, where they’re locked in for years and endure all kinds of abuse. Of course, once Corrine gets a taste of the good life again floors below, she just doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the kids and remarries. Also,tries to slowly poison her kids so she could get to her dad’s money faster through arsenic, which causes her younger son’s death. Somebody please call child services immediately for this woman belongs in jail. For God’s sake, why can’t this woman avoid all this devastation and just get herself a job? Would’ve made things a lot easier.
23. Gracie Stewart

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From: The Others
The Problem: Well, at first she seems like a devoted protector who shields her two light-sensitive children in an isolated Jersey mansion just after World War II. But is she ill or is she just manipulative? Some things just don’t add up right. Mr. Stewart went to war and never returned, servants keep leaving, and the house is full of ghosts. Also, as a devout Catholic, tells her kids stories about the undead in eternal limbo. It turns out that Gracie went crazy and killed her kids before offing herself so basically her children would never grow up, tragically. Still, might be a horror movie I’d want to watch since it got critical acclaim and doesn’t seem to fit in the slasher category.
24. Alex Goran

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From: Up in the Air
The Problem: I have absolutely no problem with working moms but I do have a problem with parents being away for days and cheating on their spouses (as well as leading their lovers on like attending a family wedding with them). Now we don’t know that she’s a mother until the end when downsizer Ryan Bingham goes to see her in Chicago, which just totally devastates him. But it really tells a lot about her as a person since we’ve seen her during most of the movie in her jet-setting corporate lifestyle and sleeping around with George Clooney. Now sleeping around in the corporate world is one thing, but spending most of your time engaging in a secret lifestyle on the road just makes Jack Lemmon’s bosses on The Apartment seem like shining beacons of fatherhood (though Alex would find good company among these assholes). And what makes it worse is how likeable she seems beforehand as if she’s the missing cog that would make Ryan’s life complete, but at least he was the one to find out. I expect a scene of her kids’ discovery of her activities almost unravel like that one scene with Biff finding Willy with his pants down in Death of a Salesman. Because even though Ryan was broken enough by what he saw, just imagine how devastated her kids would be if they saw their mom banging him. Nevertheless, Alex is a very selfish woman who puts her own immediate desires before her family’s or anyone else’s and basically deceives everybody in the process. I know double standards may be in play here (seeing that a lot of guys do the same thing like Willy Loman), but I just can’t see any reason not to include Alex Goran on the list.
25. Gladys Leeman

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From: Drop Dead Gorgeous
The Problem: Now there’s nothing wrong with being ambitious or wanting the best for your child. And if there’s a way you can do this while correcting the mistakes you made in your life, then fine, but up to a point. However, Gladys is on the list for two things. For one, she enters her daughter in a child beauty pageant, which is already bad parenting for obvious reasons (well, it involves teens, but still it’s bad). Yet, you can let that slide since Gladys herself was once a beauty queen in a child pageant herself so that habit probably runs in the family. Second, Gladys is willing to have her little Rebecca win the pageant through any means necessary even if it means taking out the competition. And by “taking out the competition,” I mean bribing and hiring all the judges (of which Gladys happens to be head), having one of the contestants killed via exploding tractor, and attempting several other murders like blowing up a trailer and making a girl deaf by dropping a stage light on her. Sort of makes Toddlers & Tiaras seem like Sesame Street in comparison. And what’s worse, Rebecca is basically devoid of any real talent (basically serenading a Jesus on wheels with “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You”). If Rebecca had won, one only has to assume what kind of self-entitled bitch she’d turn out to be perhaps like Veruca Salt. Still, in her beauty pageants, the competition is deadly–literally.
26. Miranda Hillard
From: Mrs. Doubtfire
The Problem: Sally Field has been known for playing great mothers like Mrs. Gump, Norma Rae, and the mom in Places of the Heart. Unfortunately, Miranda Hillard doesn’t really measure up to that since she hires a nanny to look after her three children. Now we all know it’s really her ex-husband in disguise but come on, she should’ve known (even if Daniel was a talented voice actor with a makeup artist brother). I mean she’s been married to him for at least over fifteen years (assuming the 14-year-old was conceived legitimately). Still, being unable to recognize your ex-husband through a guise of an old Scottish nanny is a clear case of negligence, which means she shouldn’t have been granted sole custody if she wasn’t willing to properly investigate someone she planned to hire to care for her children.
27. Alice Ecklund Ward

Melissa Leo in The Fighter
From: The Fighter
The Problem: This is the role that earned Melissa Leo the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, in which she dropped the f-bomb in her acceptance speech. Now Micky Ward spent a lifetime of battling dysfunctional family members as beefy boxers. And boxing ring stage mother Alice is no exception. A fierce creature in spandex, peroxide, and shiny red daggers for nails, she’s a vengeful goddess who wields her maternal power by expecting too much from one son and not enough from the other who’s a crack addict and a crook, no less. This leads to her son Micky to take a vicious beating in a mismanaged fight that could’ve ended his life, let alone career. Sure it can be hard for any mother to admit that she’s severely misjudged her own children (take Mildred Pierce, for example). But she takes this to Adam Trask levels and beyond, with worse results. Micky must’ve been a saint to put up with her as long as he did.
28. Ruth Dewitt Bukater
From: Titanic (1997)
The Problem: Now I know what she does is quite normal for a woman for 1912, but still, she’s a real piece of work. Sure she used to be very wealthy and has no skills or desire for work but that doesn’t mean anything. For one, she’s a completely selfish woman who expects her daughter Rose to fix all the family’s problems instead of doing what she wants. And this means marrying a guy filthy rich turd named Caledon Hockley who’s proposed to Rose and the wedding is imminent by the time of the voyage. Nevertheless, it’s very clear that Rose doesn’t want to marry this guy but sees no way out of the ordeal that she throws herself overboard. Still, Ruth cares nothing about what Rose wants from life and is so determined to be rich again that she’d sacrifice her daughter’s happiness for a silver spoon. Though I can understand her being against her daughter being involved with a homeless bum, I don’t see why Ruth can just marry Rose off to some other rich guy than Cal, at least one who doesn’t shoot people when the ship sinks. Thankfully, the iceberg puts a huge dent in the wedding plans.
29. Ma Jarrett

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From: White Heat
The Problem: Sure Arthur “Cody” Jarrett is a very violent and mentally unstable criminal and it’s understandable why almost everyone in his gang and even his own wife is afraid of him. Yet, despite his self-image as a tough leader of crime-loving thugs, you also have his intimidating mother “Ma” Jarrett who really runs things for the gang as she’s the only one who could keep him from going full sociopath as well as keep him sane. However, she’s also barking in Cody’s ear and encouraging him to commit all kinds of awful offenses (like killing his wife and the second-in-command who’s screwing her). Not to mention, she knows his dad died in a madhouse but does nothing to ensure Cody would end up the same way (well, he does go to prison but that’s not much better). Surely one of the nastiest old ladies in movie history as well as a mother who’d go to great lengths to protect her batshit crazy son with even less fear than he. It’s hard to tell which one is scarier. Sure Cody may be a complete psycho but I cringe when I see Ma Jarrett discover that “Big Ed” Somers and Verna aren’t just having an affair but also plan to kill Cody Jarrett as well. Is it any wonder she had to go?
30. Miss Havisham

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From: Great Expectations
The Problem: Charles Dickens was known to create relatively decent moms save this one. Yet, as far as adoptive mothers go, Miss Havisham is about the worst among them in film, second to only Joan Crawford. Now by the look of her, you can tell that Miss Havisham has never gotten over being left at the altar as a young bride. Sure she adopts an orphan girl named Estella in hopes to save her from a world of misery. But what she really wants is revenge and she’s not above stealing Estella’s heart and putting ice in its place to do it as well ruin her chances for a normal life. Yet, Estella isn’t the only one of her victims in her cruel and self-serving game of chess with a number of people’s lives in an effort to the aching gap in her own decrypted heart. Oh, Miss Havisham, why couldn’t you let Pip marry Estella? Also, maybe it’s time you need to get over being jilted on your wedding day, seriously. Nevertheless, Miss Havisham does see the error in her ways but she ends up a suicidal wreck in the process.

Bad Movie Wives/Girlfriends

While I could compile a list of bad movie husbands and boyfriends easily, the most difficult about compiling one was basically narrowing it down to 30. With bad movie wives and girlfriends, I ran into a few difficulties. For one, there aren’t as many to choose from. Second, the fact that women in movies could do a much less to be on the worst movie wives and girlfriends list than a guy could to get on a similar list. For instance, while men could be put on a list for bad movie husbands and boyfriends for being physically and emotionally abusive or as well as downright rapists, women could get on the list for bad wives and girlfriends for simply being bitchy, lying, and non-supportive. However, since women have been seen as the unfair sex for so long, it’s no wonder why many lists include Alex Forrest from Fatal Attraction though I wouldn’t really include her as a movie wife or girlfriend mostly because she functions more as an ex from a one night stand. Same for the woman from Play Mitzi for Me. I also didn’t include many villainesses who are hired to kill their significant others because they’re just doing their jobs. Not to mention, a lot of women from romantic comedies are included on these lists as well, despite not being quite destructive as the male counterparts. Still, I did manage to compile quite a list with femme fatales, cheaters, liars, crazy ladies, backstabbers, murderers, and others. Nevertheless, I did try to find women who are just as bad as the male counterparts I did earlier. And if I didn’t, it has nothing to do with how I view women personally but more to do with the fact that men in movies get away with more abuse than women. Not to mention, I was working from a limited pool. So without further ado, here are some wives and girlfriends who may be nice to look at but you wouldn’t want to date.

1. Rebecca de Winter
From: Rebecca
The Problem: Well, she doesn’t really appear, but her presence tends to inflict damage from beyond the grave, thanks to her loyal housekeeper Mrs. Danvers who basically wants her room and things exactly as they were. You are meant to think at first that she was practically everything one would ask in a trophy wife and is widely adored, giving the second Mrs. de Winter big shoes to fill. However, every time she follows Mrs. Danvers’ instructions and does something that reminds Maxim of his first wife, causes him to utterly freak out for some unexplained reason. Turns out Maxim is reluctant to talk about Rebecca because she was the wife from hell whom he grew to despise. According to him, Rebecca basically cheated on him with anything wearing pants and would continually torment Maxim by gabbing about her sexual exploits. Also, she was kind of a sociopathic bitch and compulsive liar who manipulated everyone to think that she was the perfect wife and a paragon of virtue. Oh, and when she finds out she has cancer, she tells Maxim she’s pregnant with another guy’s child that she’d pass as his just so he could kill her in rage. Yet, that doesn’t stop her from having Mrs. Danvers as her devoted servant, unfortunately.
2. Zosh Machine

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From: The Man with the Golden Arm
The Problem: While addicts don’t make good partners in relationships, so can co-dependents and Zosh is a classic case. Now her husband Frankie is a heroin addict who just came clean after spending a stint in prison. Zosh is his wheelchair bound wife (who’s actually fully recovered) who was injured in a car crash some years earlier. Still, while Frankie wants to become a drummer and not return to his former life, Zosh’s selfish opposition, supposed condition, manipulative guilt tripping, and appealing to his sense of duty, keeps him from pursuing that dream as well as neglect his own needs. Not only that, but it also gives Frankie the need to earn some quick cash which causes him to slowly slip in his former way of life as a card dealer and later relapse into his heroin addiction. And the fact she’s only faking her disability and killed his dealer Louie just makes things worse for Frankie. This is especially the case when police make Frankie their prime suspect for Louie’s murder, which drives him into hiding. Still, Zosh is a selfish scheming wife who wants Frankie tied to her no matter what the cost and she knows how to get him to do exactly what she wants. Not to mention, she’s probably nuts but certainly rather possessive of her husband. And when Frankie tells his intention to leave her, she goes ballistic and jumps from a ledge to her death. Let’s just say Zosh is a toxic influence in Frankie’s life and a kind of wife an addict doesn’t need.
3. Phyllis Dietrichson

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From: Double Indemnity
The Problem: Basically she’s one of the most deadliest femme fatales in movie history as well as a possible sociopath. First, she enlists insurance man Walter Neff to help murder her husband and get him to sign a double indemnity clause in a life insurance policy. She then has the lovestruck Neff strangle her husband in a car as well as impersonate her husband on the train to make the murder look like an “accident.” Yet, she soon runs into problems when the company refuses to pay the clause and that her step-daughter Lola inherited the money instead. Now Lola doesn’t just think Phyllis killed her dad, but that she was also the nurse who killed her mom. Little do they know is that Phyllis is banging Lola’s boyfriend Nino and tries to kill Walter, too. Talk about a backstabbing girlfriend from Hell. Still, while Lady Macbeth was wracked with guilt after leading her man to murder, Phyllis isn’t.
4. Norma Desmond

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From: Sunset Boulevard
The Problem: Well, despite having a big house, a doting butler (ex-husband), and all the generosity and money a struggling screenwriter could ask for. However, she’s also obsessed with making a career comeback, chooses to forget she’s 50 instead of 25, and is a completely insane drama queen. Also, she barely pays any attention to her devoted ex-husband butler Max who just goes along with her schemes (and has a few of his own). So when Joe Gillis becomes stranded at her reeking decadent mansion, she hires him to work on her trashy screenplay she thinks would restore her to her rightful place. Yet, it’s very much implied (or blatantly obvious but unmentioned for obvious reasons in 1950) that she’s also hiring him for other services such as a male escort she showers with expensive gifts, setting him up in the ex-husbands’ bedroom (there were 3 of them including Max), and keeping Joe in a gilded cage. Oh, and she basically forces Joe to be her lover as well as doing nutty things to get his attention like trying to kill herself. And despite being in love with another woman, Joe just accepts his lot as a kept man because he’s desperate to get paid. Still, everything with Norma has to be her way all the time, even her words. Yet, when Norma finds Joe’s name on a screenplay he’s working on with Betty Schaefer, she goes ballistic and sends her a threatening phone call. And when Joe plans to return to Ohio, she basically shoots him dead near the pool. Of course, she’s certainly in her happy place and not coming back after that when she says, “All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.”
5. Kathie Moffat

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From: Out of the Past
The Problem: Sure she may seem like rather innocent damsel in distress but Jeff Markham should’ve known. Yet, he fell for and elected to run away with her anyway despite that he was hired by her boyfriend his partner Whit to find her because she shot him in the leg and ran away with $40,000 of his money to Mexico. Also, she served a time in reform school as a child. However, Jeff doesn’t realize what he’s dealing with until Kathie pulls out a gun and shoots a guy in cold blood and leaves him to cover up for the crime. Later, she gets back together with Whit but she’s not done with Jeff yet for she sends a guy to trail his deaf assistant which indirectly leads to former’s death. Not to mention, she kills Whit in the meantime and basically forces Jeff to run away with her or else take the blame for all three murders. Either way, his new life is basically over and he’ll have to break up with his current girlfriend Ann. Thus, Jeff runs off with Kathie but she betrays him and shoots him dead. Still, fellas, she’s probably a complete psychopath who’d use sex to get what she wants and has a higher body count than Phyllis Dietrichson. Luckily she dies in a car wreck though.
6. Ginger McKenna

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From: Casino
The Problem: For one, she’s a coke and pill addict, party girl, and former prostitute as well as hustler. Second, she cheats on her husband with her ex and pimp named Lester and his best friend played by Joe Pesci. Third, she ties her daughter to the bed so she could go clubbing and runs off with Lester with all of Ace’s money in tow. Now being in Vegas, Ace should’ve known that Ginger was bad news being a former prostitute and all. Then again, he kind of expected her being a drugged up basket case, but maybe not the cheating with his best friend and running off with his money bit.
7. Jenny

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From: Forrest Gump
The Problem: If Forrest Gump was a smart man and/or didn’t know her since childhood, I would wonder why he would be so devoted to a woman who certainly doesn’t deserve him. Still, while Forrest does know what love is since he’s been there for Jenny all her life, it’s more than what we can say about her who’s very selfish and doesn’t seem in touch with her emotions at all. She drifts in and out of Forrest’s life for many years and continues to reject him for strings of useless and thuggish men who happen to be whatever stereotype was around at the time. It’s very clear she doesn’t love him like he loves her. Still, she comes back to Forrest after he’s made his fortune and she’s destroyed her life, has a son to take care of (which she conveniently claim is his but they did hook up but it’s unclear whether Forrest knew what the hell was going on), and dying of what many think is AIDS. Still, while I may forgive Jenny for being a slut and stringing Forrest along when she’s at a bad end, I was a bit unnerved when she shows up with her boy and tells Forrest he’s their son. Now if I was in her situation, I would’ve let the guy know of possibly being my baby’s father while I was still pregnant, not when the kid’s in preschool. At least the women on Maury display that courtesy on “Who’s My Baby’s Daddy?”.
8. Suzanne Stone-Maretto

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From: To Die For
The Problem: Now it’s perfectly fine for a woman to be ambitious and not want kids. It’s also okay to divorce your husband if he desires a family and you don’t. It’s not okay to seduce a teenage gang leader and have the husband murdered and then lie about him being addicted to drugs. This is especially true if he’s in no way abusive or wants to kill you. She gets her ultimate comeuppance though.
9. Lady Brett Ashley

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From: The Sun Also Rises
The Problem: Basically she’s an alcoholic and a bonafide slut who’s basically a good example why we have the saying, “bros before hos” which is basically the story’s moral anyway. Now by this time, she’s been divorced twice and is engaged to Mike Campbell to boot. Yet, even this doesn’t stop her from getting romantically and/or sexually entangled with 3 other guys such as the impotent Jake Barnes, the Jewish and possibly autistic Robert Cohn, and teenage bullfighter Pedro Romero. Still, she manages to break Robert and Jake’s hearts as well as leads to Cohn beating up Mike, Jake, and Romero before leaving the country. Sure she may be in love with Jake and though it’s understandable why she refuses him (since she can’t live without sex), the way she strings Cohn around and dumps is particularly shallow and cruel. And the fact that her sexual exploits led to ruining friendships, just makes it worse. Now there’s nothing wrong with women having multiple sexual partners as long as everyone involved is totally cool with it. But if you must screw multiple guys, make sure they aren’t friends with each other.
10. Dominque Francon

Patricia Neal The Fountainhead
From: The Fountainhead
The Problem: I’m not a fan of Ayn Rand or her books. However, Dominque isn’t on this list just because of my liberal political bias. Still, if Rand’s philosophy doesn’t disturb you, the relationship between Howard Roark and Dominque Francon certainly should. Sure Roark may be a complete jerk and Domique’s primary purpose in the story is to screw his career and break his heart twice over. Of course, she may have some reason for it since Roark might’ve raped her (you can’t really tell in Rand), yet she’s basically doing everything she could to bring him down and crush his spirit because she loves him. Excuse me? Seriously, this is a woman who deliberately screws with Roark’s career and runs off and marries two other guys while continuing her affair with Roark just so he can go begging for more. And Roark still just quietly waits around for her to come to her senses. Oh, and she got Peter Keating to dump the only woman he loved and marry her and goes out on a limb to hook up with Ellsworth Toohey. And she still says she loves Roark. Listen, guys, I don’t know about you, but if the girl of your dreams vows to ruin your life, runs off and marries two other guys while still keeping you on the side all because she loves you, she doesn’t love you. Roark should just come to his senses and dump her because her treatment is absolutely appalling. Instead, he makes a nude statue in her likeness and marries her.
11. Leslie Crosbie

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From: The Letter
The Problem: When you first see her, she shoots a guy named Geoffrey Hammond dead six times. Yet, when police questioned her, she says that the victim, a friend of the family, came to the home uninvited and tried to rape her. So she shot him to save her honor. Now everyone believes her including her husband and it seems that she’d be found innocent (and apparently everyone believes her shooting Hammond 6 times was justified mostly because they’re racist). However, a lawyer named Howard Joyce receives word that Hammond’s wife (lover in the 1929 film) has a letter which might incriminate Leslie. The letter reveals that Hammond came at her insistence and that the two were having an affair. Leslie manipulates the attorney into buying back the letter which includes lying about it to her husband Robert (Howard in the 1929 film). Yet, Leslie gives Hammond’s Chinese lady $10,000 personally. What’s spent on the trial and the letter basically depletes the Crosbie’s savings that Robert can’t buy the Sumatran rubber plantation he wanted. Still, despite that Leslie’s married, she carries on an affair with Hammond for years, excludes him from her social circle when she finds out about his Chinese lady (which she has no qualms), and kills him in a jealous rage when he tries to break up with her because he loves his Chinese lady and not her. Oh, and she gets away with murder. Yet, though she may love her husband she admits, “With all my heart, I still love the man I killed!” Yeah, but perhaps she should’ve let him go and not kill him. Yet, Leslie wanted to have her cake and eat it, too.
12. Asami Yamazaki

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From: Audition
The Problem: Asami may be a beautiful and soft-spoken former ballerina who may be able to win a grieving widower’s heart. Still, if you held your personal American Idol type search for true love, you might want to take a look at the winner’s digs to see if there are any burlap sacks filled with the bodies of disfigured exes lying on the floor. Sure she may seem like the perfect woman at first and was severely abused as a child, but she’s completely psycho that she’s Gene Tierney’s Ellen Harland in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Like Ellen, she wants Shigeharu Aoyama to love her and only her and totally flips out on him when it’s not the case. Yet, unlike Ellen, Asami just uses methods like kidnapping, dismemberment, murder, and torture all in a girlish giggle. While she did do away with the guy in the bag for cheating on her, she basically tortures Shigeharu with acupuncture needles and cuts off his foot with a razor all because he has a family. Trust me, fellas, she’s totally not worth it.
13. Daisy Buchanan

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From: The Great Gatsby
The Problem: While Gatsby may forever hold a torch for Daisy as his true love, it’s very clear that she’s not worth it. For one, despite that she loved Gatsby, she can’t really leave her asshole husband Tom for him because he’s her kid’s dad and the fact divorce might give her financial insecurity. Still, this doesn’t stop her from toying with Gatsby’s heart and is more impressed with him being rich than anything. Still, she ran over her husband’s mistress Myrtle and let Gatsby take the blame for it. This resulted in a misunderstanding that got Gatsby murdered. Yet, what especially gets me is that Daisy seems unable to take responsibility for herself, either to better her life or change the way her actions hurt others. Not to mention, despite that Gatsby basically did everything he could to win her back and never stopped loving her, she doesn’t even bother to show up at his funeral. Instead, she and Tom go on vacation as if she feels no remorse for the damage she did. Alas, that poor son of a bitch.
14. Judith Fessbeggler

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From: Saving Silverman
The Problem: Now I try to leave out wives and girlfriends in comedy movies since they tend to be treated as whiny bitches while a lot of husbands and boyfriends in serious films tend to commit sins that are far worse. Besides, I want to avoid using double standards as much as possible when it pertains to female significant others since they’re termed as terrible on much less. Still, Judith is an exception since she’s nasty, controlling, manipulative, and selfish. Not only that, but she doesn’t like Darren Silverman’s immature friends despite all that they mean to him. Yet, does she put up with that? No, rather she tries to change everything about him to suit her and only her. And all this basically consists of Darren quitting his band, getting butt implants, distancing himself from his best friends, having her burn all his Neil Diamond records, get him new friends with names like Clayton, and attend relationship counseling. Now there are movies in which women try to do this but these pertain to guys who in danger of destroying themselves or going to jail. Darren isn’t one of these so Judith is basically using the “I could change him” mantra where it’s not needed and certainly used for her to achieve her own selfish ends. I mean there are worse guys to date than a Neil Diamond fan with two immature but well-meaning friends.
15. Roxie Hart

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From: Chicago
The Problem: Now while Velma Kelly may not be the nicest person in the film, at least killing her husband and sister over them having an affair made her a much more sympathetic character. I’m not sure about Roxie who’s married to the nice mechanic Amos even if he is played by John C. Reilly (yet is the only good guy in the whole film). Feel bad for her being down on her luck as a housewife all you want, but she had an affair with Fred Casely whom she believed would help make her a vaudeville star. And when Fred reveals he lied about his connections so he could sleep with her, Roxie shoots him dead and tries to get Amos to take the blame. Amos doesn’t (since he can’t tell a lie) and she’s arrested anyway. Of course, we all know how she gets off by following a ludicrous defense strategy that include painting herself as a lonely housewife who killed her lover in self-defense or faking a pregnancy. Still, it’s amazing that Amos sticks by her during the murder trial proceedings despite how she treats him like garbage.
16. Catherine Tramell

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From: Basic Instinct
The Problem: Sure she may be played by Sharon Stone and her bisexuality may be a major turn-on. However, I would advise anyone against getting involved with her. She’s a hedonistic psychopath who manipulates everyone around her for her own amusement and gratification as serve as fodder for her novels. Every lover she’s had has ended up dead and it’s very likely she’s possibly killed them just after she’s bore with them. Not only that, but she also killed her parents in a staged boat explosion, murdered a professor at Berkeley, tricked her possessive girlfriend Roxy into committing suicide, has her ex-girlfriend framed for a series of murders, and hacked a boyfriend to death with an ice pick during sex. It doesn’t help that Nick Curran is a cop in charge of a brutal murder investigation of a former rock star who was murdered during sex in which she’s a prime suspect and she killed his partner Gus. And she displays no remorse for any of the deaths she’s caused. She also flat out tells Nick that she’s writing about a detective who falls for the wrong woman who kills him. Still, no matter how you put it, things don’t look good for Nick by the end.
17. Bridget Gregory

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From: The Last Seduction
The Problem: Yes, she may be a gorgeous woman looking for casual sex in a small town. Yet, she’s married to a drug dealer she swipes money from and runs away to Chicago. Not only that, but she has an affair with a divorced man named Mike Swale while on her way. Still, she’s a manipulative sociopath who thinks selling murders to wives scorned is a good business idea. Not to mention, she tries to trick Mike into killing her husband Clay but does it herself. Yet, she pins the killing on him though which puts him in jail for life and gets off scot free. She also kills a black private eye as well as a few others and gets away with that, too. Mike should’ve stayed with his tranny ex-wife.
18. Debbie Jellinsky

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From: Addams Family Values
The Problem: Sure she may be gorgeous but it’s all too good to be true for Uncle Fester. For one, she’s a liar who manipulates Fester into proposing by saying she’s a virgin who’s saving it until marriage. Second, after their marriage, she tries to get Uncle Fester to sever ties with his family members and forbids Gomez, Morticia, and Lurch to visit him when they move to a lavish mansion. Oh, and did I tell you that she’s a black widow who killed her parents for not giving her a Ballerina Barbie for her birthday? Not to mention, she killed two husbands and tried to electrocute the whole Addams family altogether. Oh, and I tell you that she has her own trading card as “the Black Widow” and that Pugsley suspects her to be this? At least Fester was able to find new love after she died.
19. Ellen Berent Harland

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From: Leave Her to Heaven
The Problem: At first, she may look like your dream girl, but she’s really your nightmare girl. Let’s just say that Ellen is in love with her husband, yet she’s basically insanely devoted to him that she doesn’t want Richard to love anyone else but her whether it be his polio stricken brother, their unborn child, her mother, or her adopted sister. I mean she’s basically jealous toward any activity or person Richard cares about. And when she takes Richard’s disabled brother Danny out for a swim, she basically rows the boat too far from him in the water and he drowns. When she gets pregnant, she engineers a fall down the stairs in stiletto heels so the fetus would be miscarried. And when Ellen becomes suspicious of Richard and Ruth getting too close, she writes to her prosecutor ex-fiance Russell Quinton about Ruth wanting to kill her and commits suicide. This gets Ruth tried for murder but Richard takes the rap and a two year prison sentence.
20. Catherine Earnshaw

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From: Wuthering Heights
The Problem: Sure her relationship with Heathcliff is enduring and passionate but it screams dysfunctional. Still, it’s probably fair to say that Catherine should’ve not dumped Heathcliff to marry Edgar Linton. Now they may have destroyed each other and Hindley but at least the Lintons would be untouched. But, Catherine’s selfish rejection of Heathcliff just so she could wear pretty dresses and attend fancy balls at Linton’s Grange changes everything for the worse. Yet, she doesn’t completely get over Heathcliff and soon her passionate love for him consumes her in a sick and twisted way, which destroys her identity and personality while Heathcliff disappears to get rich for a few years and returns for his rampage of revenge. Also, she’s incredibly selfish and not just toward Heathcliff but she also doesn’t really seem very concerned about her brother, her sister-in-law, or her maid Nelly Dean. Oh, and her marrying Edgar and having Heathcliff on the side thing destroyed all three of them in very ugly ways.
21. Scarlett O’Hara

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From: Gone with the Wind
The Problem: Now I like Scarlett and think she’s a strong heroine for young girls, but she’s just terrible with relationships. For one, she’s emotionally immature due to her Southern Belle upbringing that trained her not to care about people and become pretty dolls devoid of emotion and personal wishes that are supposed to attract husbands. Thus, she’s unable to understand the emotional motivations of anyone, including herself. So the fact that Scarlett spends most of the movie wrapped up in a devoted delusion of her teenage years that she doesn’t realize when she falls in love with Rhett or what having an adult relationship means. Second, though she might not have done much harm marrying Charles Hamilton to make Ashley jealous, her choice to marry Frank Kennedy for money was pretty despicable since he was her sister’s fiancé. And it’s even more unsettling when he ends up getting killed while he’s out to defend her honor. Then there’s her marriage with Rhett Butler which is basically a living hell full of abuse but they obviously deserve each other.
22. Linda Nordley

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From: Mogambo
The Problem: Now I have to wonder about Donald Nordley in this movie. Sure his wife may be played by Grace Kelly but she doesn’t seem to think too much of him despite how he’s crazy about her. Not to mention, despite knowing her husband since she was 5, Linda bluntly admits that she doesn’t love him, doesn’t show much affection in him or interest in his work as an anthropologist. I suspect she married Donald because her parents desperately needed money. And it doesn’t help that Donald is a decent guy who genuinely loves his wife. Still, during their vacation in the African safari, Linda hooks up with big game hunter Victor Marswell. And though it’s very obvious that Victor and Linda are totally banging each other, Donald seems either totally blind or totally in denial. Either way, it shows that Linda really doesn’t seem to care much about Donald. Oh, and when Linda finds Victor cuddling with Eloise “Honey Bear” Kelley, she shoots him in a jealous rage (but gets away with it thanks to Ava Gardner). Of course, the film may want us to sympathize with her, but I never thought her as anything but a shallow and manipulative rich bitch who may have a few guys on the side when her man’s away. The proper lady demeanor is just a façade, boys.
23. Mildred Rogers

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From: Of Human Bondage
The Problem: Now this is basically the character that made Bette Davis a star that people were upset when she wasn’t nominated for an Oscar. Still, Mildred is a prostitute who medical student Philip Carey falls madly in love with. Yet, she’s utterly disdainful of his club foot and his obvious interest in her. Not to mention, she’s manipulative and cruel berating him with nasty insults as well as sleeps with who knows what during the course of the film. Now if Mildred was just a nasty slut, she wouldn’t be on this list but there’s more. Anyway, she keeps coming back to Philip when she’s on the rebound from a failed relationship whether it be her baby daddy Emil Miller or one of Philip’s friends. And Philip keeps cleaning her messes, dumps the girlfriend he had at the time, and takes her in just the same no matter how he feels about her. Yet, when Philip has had enough and rejects her, Mildred spitefully wrecks his apartment, destroys his paintings and books, and burns all the securities and bonds his uncle gave Philip to finance his med school tuition. This leads Philip to drop out of med school and destitute. Let’s just say Philip is basically relieved when Mildred succumbs to tuberculosis.
24. Irena Dubrovna Reed

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From: Cat People
The Problem: Well, she may seem like a nice Serbian girl but she has a few quirks about you might want to examine closely before entering in a relationship with her unlike Oliver Reed. For one, she tends to hang out at the panther exhibit a lot though most animals tend to get agitated in her presence. Second, she’s not much into getting physical for fear that she’d transform into a deadly panther if any guy even kisses her. Of course, Oliver and his friends thinks she’s batty and have her see a psychiatrist. Unfortunately, she’s right and the shrink actually ends up dead while trying to make the moves on her. And it doesn’t help that she may be clingy and jealous when Oliver confides in a co-worker about their problems, which was why she went after Alice Moore in panther form. Gives a new meaning to crazy cat lady, right?
25. Brigid O’Shaughnessy (a. k. a. Ruth Wonderly)

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From: The Maltese Falcon
The Problem: Now Brigid isn’t a bad person but we’re not sure whether she truly loved Sam Spade or just using him so she could get have bird statuette to herself. Still, though she may use sex and play the damsel in distress to get what she wants, she’s a lot more inconspicuous than most femme fatales (who aren’t usually dressed as somebody’s school teacher like she is). Not to mention, she’s not a great liar which makes Sam Spade catch her very easily. Yet, we should note that she killed Miles Archer and tried to frame her partner Floyd Thursby for the murder. Still, while Sam may fall for her, he’s no fool and turns her to the police because she killed his partner. Not to mention, she probably would’ve betrayed him just like Thursby whether she loved him or not.
26. Susan Vance

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From: Bringing Up Baby
The Problem: Now I like Susan Vance and I think she’s better than the fiancé David Huxley started out with. But come on, despite being friendly, sweet, and played by Katharine Hepburn, she’s crazy! Not to mention, she has a rich girl entitlement complex, meaning she has no respect for other people or authority. Still, though David eventually fell in love with her by the end, she put him through a lot of nasty shit. She steals cars and doesn’t seem the least bit guilty about it and when she sets her sights on something, she gets it in her own way. Not to mention, she enlists David’s help to transport a leopard to her aunt’s farm in Connecticut on the day he’s supposed to marry another woman. Oh, and once they’re at her aunt’s farm, she basically does everything she could to keep him there, particularly stealing his clothes while he’s showering. Not only that, but Susan puts David through incidences that put them in jail and almost cost them their lives (especially when she accidentally released a man-eating circus leopard she mistook for Baby). All this in the span of two days. Now being a screwball comedy, David doesn’t seem to harbor bad feelings. But in real life Susan would probably facing criminal charges at least for endangerment and possibly kidnapping.
27. Carmen Jones

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From: Carmen Jones
The Problem: Basically, this film is an all African American version of George Bizet’s Carmen that takes place in WWII. Still, played by Dorothy Dandridge, she’s kind of a hedonist who doesn’t think she could get married because she doesn’t remind men of their mothers and gets arrested for fighting with a co-worker who reported her late. Still, this doesn’t stop her from going after a guy who doesn’t seem to show much interest in her named Joe (who’s also involved with someone else). She’s successful but leaves him because Joe’s supposed to turn her in to the authorities and she can’t do time in jail. This puts Joe in the stockade. She also tries to hook up with two other guys in the meantime one for money and the other to make Joe jealous. Of course, Joe retaliates on both of them, beating one severely while threatening the other with a knife. Still, Carmen pays for her sultry ways by Joe strangling her in a storage room. Yet, his life is destroyed as well.
28. Mrs. Robinson

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From: The Graduate
The Problem: Let’s see. Sure she may be played by Anne Bancroft, yet she’s a depressed, lonely, and alcoholic housewife who basically gets Benjamin Braddock to have sex with her despite that she’s married with a daughter in college. Yes, she may not really love her husband who knocked her up during college which forced her to drop out, give up her dreams, and going through a shotgun wedding, but still. Nevertheless, she has no other interest in Benjamin other than sex and when he starts dating her daughter, she basically tries to sabotage their relationship and accuses him of rape. Oh, and she forces her daughter to drop out of college and marry some other guy, too. Let’s just say if Ben and Elaine ever got married, Thanksgiving is going to be awkward. Still, it doesn’t help that she’s a middle aged adult who convinces everyone that Ben is the bad guy, including her husband.
29. Aileen Wuornos

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From: Monster
The Problem: Well, this one comes from real life and won Charlize Theron the Oscar for Best Actress. Now she’s perhaps one of the few LGBT on either list (other being Catherine Tramell). Sure she may have sex with men but she absolutely hates them. Not to mention, while you can’t blame her for not wanting to go back into prostitution, but trying to support her lover Selby Wall (Tyria Moore in real life but her name, age, and appearance were changed for legal reasons) through prostitution, murder, and robbery, well, isn’t technically a viable way to make a living. Not to mention, Aileen is well, a psycho who you’d probably not want to touch with a 10 foot pole. Also, though she may be a victim of circumstances and may have killed her first victim in self-defense, the others were just for her own personal gratification or because she may have schizophrenia. And sure, she and Selby may have a loving relationship, but understand that she took her away from her family and friends. Not to mention, since it’s said that Aileen acts like a bitch through the entire movie, it’s fair to say that her relationship with Selby is about as tempestuous as you might expect. Still, Selby is simply horrified by her killing 7 guys and basically works to get her put behind bars and for that I couldn’t blame her.
30. Cleopatra
From: Freaks
The Problem: You may think she’s a shallow gold digger at first when she lures dwarf Hans away from his girlfriend just for his fortune. Of course, this doesn’t help that she doesn’t even show any interest in him until she learns about Hans’ wealth. Still, she has no intention of trying to make herself at home among the circus freaks and during the wedding ceremony, she mocks them, throws wine in their faces, and drives them away. Not only that, but she also tries to isolate Hans from them. Also, her marriage to Hans didn’t stop her from sleeping with the strong man Hercules who she conspires with to gradually poison her new husband so they could make out with his cash. Let’s just say killing her would’ve spared her the fate of being a chicken lady, but that would’ve been far too kind, especially since the freaks are actually not so bad once you get to know them.

Feminist Films Before the 1960s

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We often assume that feminism didn’t really take off until the 1960s and before that time, women basically were portrayed as happy housewives, submissive damsels in distress, innocent ingenues or evil women who led their men astray. These are the basic images of women in old movies that tend to come to our mind as well as the notion that gender roles were observed without question before the 1960s. However, these notions are dead wrong since feminism has always been apparent throughout history and there have been people who’ve questioned the notion of gender roles for centuries. Old Hollywood is no exception for many old movies have a great treasure trove of strong female characters as well as featured movies which challenged notions of gender roles and relationships between men and women. Here’s a short list of what I considered to be old movies that even a feminist would approve of:

1. Gone with the Wind

You wouldn’t think I’d put this movie on here since fans tend to watch it for the romance between Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler while critics and detractors would cite the historical inaccuracy, negative racial stereotypes, lack of good male characters, complain that it’s four hours long, or dismiss it as a mere chick flick. Some may not think that Gone with the Wind isn’t a feminist movie since it won a bunch of Oscars, holds the distinction of highest grossing movie of all time, was made in the 1930s, and is regarded as one of the greatest films of all time. Surely a movie with these distinctions and flaws can’t be feminist. Well, that’s where you’re wrong since I would very much regard this movie as a highly feminist film as well as a one of the most ground breaking movies for women. For one, this is a film about the experiences of women in the South during the American Civil War and the early years of Reconstruction and how such events affected their lives. It depicts women playing a role in history at a time when professional historians seldom wrote about women or before the concept of women’s studies even existed. Not only that, but it also shows how the American Civil War was also a woman’s war as much as a man’s whether it be on the home front or on the front lines. And this is back in 1939. Second, it features a strong and well developed female protagonist in Scarlett O’Hara who isn’t entirely a saint but certainly no damsel in distress. Not to mention, she eventually challenges the conventional notions of how a women should act at the time and does morally dubious things, isn’t universally liked, is very much a realistic character for her time, and is actually a strong female character feminists would approve of (even a lot of today’s action girls don’t amount to her rich characterization). I mean despite that she’s selfish, amoral, immature, materialistic, she’s very intelligent and later emerges as a strong and driven young woman ever determined to do what she can to avoid starvation or being a burden to others. Of course, this movie was based on the book by Margaret Mitchell, yet nevertheless, Gone with the Wind is a great feminist film which shows that a movie which features women’s experiences as well as a strong female protagonist with moral ambiguities could break records at the box office, win 8 Academy Awards, and be well regarded as one of the greatest films of all time. Of course, it’s not 100% relevant, but it’s still a timeless classic that holds up in so many ways. If there is a feminist film before 1960 which deserves a spot on this list, then Gone with the Wind is the gold standard.

2. Peyton Place

I place this film on this list since it portrays almost every character as three-dimensional entities who don’t necessarily come off as entirely unsympathetic (with the exception of Lucas Cross but I’ll get to him later). Yet, whatever their flaws, viewers are encouraged not to judge these people no matter but only to understand them as people. It’s also noteworthy to point out of how certain female characters don’t seem to conform to your 1950s standards. For instance, Allison Mackenzie puts her deceased father on a pedestal, mostly finds herself on the receiving end of her mother’s insecurities, and has a lifelong aspiration to be a writer. Her mother Constance (played by Lana Turner) is has managed to succeed both as a mother and businesswoman but can’t really leave her secret past behind which proves detrimental in her relationships with her daughter and new boyfriend Michael Rossi, the new high school principal. Allison’s best friend, Selena Cross is seen as a good girl whose stepfather Lucas makes her life at home the closest thing to hell on earth. Her motivation in the film is to achieve financial independence so she and her brother could escape from their godforsaken home. She’s an interesting case since she’s still seen as a sympathetic character despite having an abortion and later committing murder. Of course, Lucas raped her so who could blame her for killing him but she barely gets off (since the doctor almost didn’t testify). Then we have Betty Anderson who likes dress in sexy clothes, drink alcohol, behave in scandalous ways, and is much more forthcoming about her sexuality but still genuinely loves her boyfriend and does make peace with his father. Peyton Place is also a relevant film which condemns sexual abuse for how should be depicted as well as make Selena’s abortion and murder seem justified. The film always shows Lucas’ conduct to Selena as unwanted and never holds her responsible for Lucas’ actions.

3. I Was a Male War Bride

I put this film on the list since it’s one that specifically addresses sexism with a very interesting twist. Still, unlike most of the movies I have on this list, this one features a male protagonist played by Cary Grant. However, I included this movie on here because it addresses how sexism can negatively affect men. Set in Europe right after World War II, this movie is about a French officer who marries an American servicewoman and decides to spend his married life in the States. However, what him and Ann Sheridan have to go through is a bureaucratic nightmare through the War Brides Act, which is seen clearly as sexist US government policy. To the US only the men took foreign spouses and the military and red tape stacked against American servicewomen marrying men from another country. Of course, being an American servicewoman, it’s Ann Sheridan who’s being discriminated against on account of her sex. However, it’s Cary Grant who has to suffer for it firsthand since he has to endlessly explain that he’s married to an American soldier and entitled to shelter and transportation in a system that doesn’t recognize his gender as compatible with his situation. For one, Grant has to pass as a war bride in order to go back to the United States with his wife since all the spousal regulations seem to be for brides. Of course, he puts through a lot of shit and humiliation being a “war bride” such as having to fill out a form reserved for women, spending most of a night looking for a place to sleep, and having to board a boat in drag. On a further note, this is loosely based on a true story so there probably were a few “war brides” who just happened to be dudes. And they probably had to go through similar shit. Of course, while there may be plenty of movies that address men defying traditional gender roles, I Was a Male War Bride is one of few films that promotes the issue of feminism to a male audience.

4. Mildred Pierce

Of course, I had to include this Oscar-winning film since it’s one of early movies that centers around a successful self-made woman and single mother who despite her hard work and efforts to please her daughter, still gets no respect. It’s a very bleak look at what women can expect if they live and work alone in a man’s world, beset by men who want to exploit them, sexually or otherwise. She starts as an ordinary housewife driven to working as a waitress after her unemployed husband takes off and later starts her own restaurant and chain. Mildred Pierce is a woman is both a victim of circumstance as well as herself as well as a strong female protagonist with real flaws and assets. She is a hard worker with good business sense as well as a devoted mother. Of course, being a devoted mother to Veda is her biggest flaw, not due to bad parenting (she ain’t perfect), but how Veda is just one of the most ungrateful brats in movie history. Still, though she may be a woman in a man’s world, she’s still someone we sympathize with and want to succeed since she kind of reminds women of themselves in many ways. Not only that, but as a businesswoman, she becomes a victim to the same mistakes as any man would. Of course, Mildred met her downfall, but at least she made it to the top despite great odds.

5. A Letter to Three Wives

This is perhaps one of the most relevant films for women since it pertains to an issue that all women face, which is the struggle for perfection. Yet, it also tells women that they don’t have to be superwomen in order to be loved and appreciated by the men in their lives. All three women protagonists are each imperfect in their own way and have very imperfect lives and marriages. All three somehow feel inadequate when compared to their “friend” Addie Ross who their husbands see as a goddess and is probably the closest thing to a superwoman in her time, though she really is a complete bitch. Not to mention, all three think that the the strain on their marriages is their fault. And adding insult to injury, she sends them a letter telling these three women that she ran off with one of their husbands. It’s also interesting to note these women lead very different lives from one another, struggle with very different issues, and are portrayed in non-stereotypical fashion. You got Jeanne Crain who left the farm to serve her country only to come back having a difficult time adjusting to her husband’s world which is so different than the one she left behind. She sees herself as hick who wears cheap mail order clothes worrying that she wouldn’t be able to impress her upper class husband’s friends with her man being completely blind to what she’s dealing with. Ann Sothern is a working mother and breadwinner whose schoolteacher husband (Kirk Douglas) isn’t much thrilled with. It’s not just that she’s earning more money than he is but that she’s earning a living writing for a radio soap opera and how her job interferes with their lives. However, Kirk Douglas knows full well and accepts his situation since Sothern is just as smart as he is and that her status as a breadwinner allows him to have the career he wants without having to worry about the bills. Yet, Sothern doesn’t seem to know what Douglas wants from her. Then we have Linda Darnell who’s from the wrong side of the tracks and sees herself as a gold digger who married her boss just to escape her working class light. But Darnell and Paul Douglas’ marriage gives the two of them exactly what they need. Yet, she wonders whether she’d miss her husband if he was gone. Of course, the ending is rather ambiguous but  we can be sure that at least Sothern and Darnell have husbands who surely care for them despite their own flaws and that whether Crain’s husband left her or not, she’s willing to survive without him and at least has friends.

6. Adam’s Rib

Of course, this is another comedy which is said to feature a battle of the sexes between Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy. Yet, unlike most movies that feature a battle of the sexes, this one doesn’t insult the intelligence and rationality of either party. And in some respects Hepburn and Tracy both make valid points about sexism and treatment of those in the criminal justice system, particularly when a crime of passion is involved. Of course, Hepburn is the feminist who thinks men and women are equal, notes the double standard that exists for women and men regarding adultery, and humiliates Tracy in court in order to prove that he’s not immune to sexism as any man. Of course, Hepburn may have her sympathies with Judy Holliday who’s accused of shooting her asshole husband after catching him having an affair, but she knows it since she’s also a woman and sees why her client would snap. Furthermore, she’s very aware on how women were treated by society at the time and strives to make sure her client gets as fair a treatment as any man would in her place. On the other hand, though Hepburn is right to acknowledge sexism, this doesn’t mean that Tracy is completely in the wrong. Rather, though Tracy may have his own biases, he’s certainly no male chauvinist pig nor does he have anything against women, but quite the contrary. Actually, he’s a more progressive man for his time who’s perfectly fine with his wife’s force and ambition. He’s just not happy about her using the case for her own selfish purposes. To him, Judy Holliday’s gender and situation are practically irrelevant is as far as his job as a prosecutor goes. In Tracy’s eyes, Judy Holliday is guilty of attempted murder and showed disregard for the law as there should never be an excuse for such behavior regardless of gender. If Judy Holliday had been a man, it would be very clear that Tracy would’ve judged her no differently. Unfortunately for Tracy, though he may be on the side of the law and have no special affection for Holliday’s husband, he’s nevertheless working in his interests. And we’re very much instructed to sympathize with Judy Holliday since her husband is a man with no redeemable qualities and should never have custody of the kids.

7. All About Eve

Of course, this film may have it’s flaws but it’s an essential feminist film nonetheless because it shows the sexual bias and the entertainment industry and how such makes women become rivals instead of friends. Of course, it says that a woman isn’t complete without her man, but so did many Hollywood films at the time. Still, Margo Channing is an aging actress who plays roles of younger women and is insecure about growing older and settling down with her boyfriend Bill Sampson. She sees newcomer Eve Harrington as a threat to her career and goes through a diva meltdown which is dismissed as an overreaction until Eve tries to seduce Bill. However, the reality is that though aging, Margo is a highly talented actress at the height of her career as well as a star with legendary status who’s probably in a more secure position than many of her peers. Not to mention, she’s still very pretty and is dating a man who’s eight years younger than her who loves and respects her for who she is. However, Margo’s flaw is that she views her career as the most important thing in her life and knows all too well that her line of work where aging can be career killer. Yet, though Eve Harrington is a genuine threat, it’s age that triumphs over youth in this one and in some ways is a better female role model because of it. Margo may be a bitch but sometimes her whining can be seen as perfectly justified. Even though Margo learns to accept getting older, settles down with Bill, and decides not to play younger women, she loses nothing letting Eve play Cora and become a star. Sure Eve Harrington may be young, pretty, and talented, but she’s a sociopath who will do whatever it takes to get whatever she wants. And she manages to fool almost everyone in the cast except Birdie and Addison. Margo is a woman of integrity with supportive and sincere friends and has some genuine humanity in her. Eve is just a cold and manipulative bitch willing to use people as tools and cares only for herself. And since Margo’s willing to accept the direction of her career and start having a life outside of the theater, she survives Eve Harrington as well as many of the young actresses who come after her. Eve submits to critic Addison DeWitt, selling her soul to all her fans and the media since she has nothing but her career.

8. The Barefoot Contessa

This is more of a cautionary tale pertaining to the objectification of women and the price they pay for it. The film unfolds as a fairy tale turned tragedy as we see Ava Gardner as a person like Humphrey Bogart does, but is viewed by the rest of the male cast as an object to be exploited for their benefit without any account for her whether it be by looks, talent, status, or what not. In some way, this is what objectification really is and Ava Gardner ultimately suffers for it. Ava Gardner is a woman who is smart as she is beautiful whose main motivation is to enjoy the challenge and escape that a Hollywood career might offer a woman who will nevertheless value the simpler things in life. However, she’s also a woman who’s known to have sex with multiple men (known as her “cousins”) and has a mind of her own. And in every fairy tale there has to be a Prince Charming as in the Count Favrini or so Gardner assumes he is. Yet, once she marries him, you realize he’s just willing to use her as much as most of the other male characters. But in this case, it’s because she’s a glamorous celebrity whose marriage to her will work in his plans to bring his family to a memorable end. And it doesn’t end well for Gardner.

9. Roman Holiday

Of course, this is a romantic comedy, but it’s one that encourages women to do what’s best for themselves for a change. Of course, the man who’s stifling Audrey Hepburn’s life in the beginning isn’t a romantic interest but her dad who’s a king, which makes her a princess. And as a princess, she has royal duties which consists of going on diplomatic trips as well as having her schedule filled with PR activities all day long. Soon all the stress catches up with Hepburn that she takes off in the middle of the night and spends the next day doing whatever she wants such as living a day without her crushing responsibilities. And she does this only to the benefit of herself. Of course, Hepburn eventually has to return to her life as a princess but she does as a more assertive young woman who’s willing to accommodate her own needs alongside her duties and more able to think for herself.

10. Now, Voyager

Kind of has a similar message to Roman Holiday yet, Charlotte Vale’s path to empowerment and learning to think for herself doesn’t completely solve her problems. However, the domineering force in her life is her emotionally abusive mother who tried to control her all her life and lets her know that she is unwanted and unloved. Not to mention, Mrs. Vale doesn’t want her daughter to have much of a life either and does all the decision making for her. That is until Charlotte suffers a nervous breakdown and is confined to a sanitarium and later emerges out of her shell, goes on a cruise where she meet the unhappily married Jerry, and falls in love with him. Though adulterous, their relationship would have a positive impact on both their lives. When she returns, she confronts her mother and finds that she’s no longer scared of living for herself. After her mother dies, Charlotte returns to the sanitarium where she becomes a surrogate mother to Jerry’s daughter Tina. Also, unlike many women in old movies, Charlotte is perfectly all right to live without a man, doesn’t need to settle down for just anyone, and is willing to be happy with what she has, which is a lot but still.

11. Giant

Of course, this doesn’t start out as a feminist film since it begins with Rock Hudson and Elizabeth Taylor’s whirlwind courtship and marriage. However, once they start their married life in Texas, Taylor starts turning Hudson’s world upside down. For one, she treats the  Mexican workers on Reata as human beings, doesn’t see anything unfeminine with discussing politics, and has no qualms about defying tradition. Still, I think what makes this movie as a feminist film is how it depicts femininity. This is expressed through Elizabeth Taylor  in relation to Mercedes McCambridge. Taylor is perfectly comfortable with being a woman and isn’t ashamed of her femininity. Yet, she’s still a strong woman who isn’t afraid to do what she thinks is right or speak her mind whenever she feels like it. She may be a woman but she’s also her own person and refuses to conform to her gender’s expectations. In the end, her life with Hudson helps change him into a better man though it takes a long time. On the other hand, McCambridge sees her femininity as something to be ashamed of and denies it in order to be one of the boys in order to feel dominant. She’s a misogynist and hates Taylor with an instant passion. She is butch and violent and thinks that only these two traits can be a show of strength. Of course, her harshness and violent demeanor are what causes her downfall after falling off Taylor’s horse that she treated so badly. In some ways, these two women show the difference between being a strong female character and being a female character just acting macho.

12. The Three Faces of Eve

This is a film that depicts a woman with multiple personalities superbly played by Joanne Woodward (best known for her marriage to Paul Newman) who received an Oscar for her performance that year. Of course, the afflicted woman is a quiet, mousy, and unassuming housewife named Eve White who suffers from headaches and occasional blackouts, from which emerges the wild party girl Eve Black. However, though Eve had this problem since childhood, this mental illness persists as a way for her to act out in an unhappy marriage with a man who doesn’t understand her condition nor cares to. In many respects, he’s an abusive jerk who later dumps her and later abandons their daughter. And Eve begins to recover as a third personality of the stable Jane emerges who gathers strength once Eve starts living as a single woman. In some ways, Eve’s personality disorder fed off of her unhappiness in a life she was reluctant to leave. Yet, when she does, Jane becomes stronger since she’s the most healthy personality as two Eves decline and starts leading a new life better than the one she left. May not be a feminist film, but it works out like one as far as I’m concerned.

13. Pinky

I know this one is the least known movies on the list about a black girl who can pass for white but don’t ask why she’s played by white girl Jeanne Crain. Then again, the Jeanne Crain portrayal makes sense. Anyway, she comes home from nursing school with a white boyfriend who she’s all set to marry and start a new life with him in Colorado. However, her grandmother isn’t too happy and asks her to take care of former boss Ethel Barrymore who’s on her deathbed. Crain reluctantly abides but thinks Barrymore is an unpleasant old woman to work for. Yet, when she dies, Crain finds out that this woman left everything to her in order that her estate would serve as a black clinic and nursing school (this is in the South during segregation). And when Barrymore’s will becomes contested by family members, she decides to fight and wins. May seem like a career vs. man story but is far more complex since the issue of race in involved. For Crain, marriage not only means being with the man of her dreams yet this would mean she’d have to live as a white woman for the rest of her life. Yet, she chooses to risk her relationship so she can fulfill the old lady’s wishes and help her community as well as brave the rampant climate of racism. It may not be the easiest choice to make but it was one that would make Crain a much happier woman because of it. And in a time when women were being encouraged to be happy homemakers, this movie is a breath of fresh air.