The Airy World of Balloon Sculpture

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Balloons often serve as trappings at parties and celebrations. While the rubber balloon was invented by Michael Faraday during experiments with various gases, some of the earliest of these were made out of dried animal bladders like a pig’s. Aside from rubber, modern balloons can be made of latex, polychloroprene, or nylon as well as come in a variety of different colors. Most of the time, we use balloons for decorations and entertainment. Though others can be used for practical purposes like meteorology, medical treatment, military defense, or transportation. Yet, I kind of covered the transportation part in a post last year on hot air balloons. Anyway, when you go to a party, you might be familiar with the idea of balloon animals like you see above. Well, do a Google search on balloon sculpture and you’ll find plenty of things people have made with balloons. Some of them for contests. Still, some might be of the simple balloon dog kind, there are plenty that can be rather elaborate. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you a treasure trove of stunning balloon sculptures.

  1. Clowns must always come stacked together.
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Clowns have been long associated with balloons. Still, if you add one more, the whole thing can topple.

2. Mr. Potato Head always likes to party.

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Though if he gets too drunk he might lose some of his facial features. Or arms or legs, possibly.

3. The mighty griffin always sits with grace.

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You can tell because it has a tail and paws. Real eagles have claws and tail feathers.

4. Care to listen to this juke box?

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Well, you won’t be hearing tunes from this one. But it’s great for a 1950s theme party.

5. This balloon girl has bouncing pigtails.

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She even wears a pink dress with a flower on it. So adorable.

6. You’d revel over this inflatable grand piano.

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Though be careful if you opt to touch it. Because it can easily pop. Also, don’t try to play it.

7. Hugging bears always enjoy a balloon ride.

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Though they’re on a raft instead of a basket. Love the rainbow hot air balloon though.

8. Better to have a blue bird in your hand than 2 in a bush.

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This is by a balloon artist as you can see. And I think it’s bigger than the real thing.

9. A rainbow can always make your days better.

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This one has a rainbow in the clouds. Tubes for colors. round ones for clouds.

10. Want to swing together?

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Seems like these 2 were made for each other. Though I have no idea what’s on the guy’s head.

11. A fairy princess is always happy with her flowers.

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She carries a wand and wears a crown. While the flowers surround her. So adorable.

12. The doctor will see you now.

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Well, these are doctor balloons. One of them has a surgeon’s cap and mask.

13. A single balloon is not enough to reach enlightenment.

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Yes, this is a Buddha balloon sculpture. And I’m sure some Buddhists won’t be pleased.

14. Check out her new pink purse.

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She wears a long green dress with polka dot balloons at the bottom. And yes, she’s ready to party.

15. Someone must’ve upset the earthen vessel.

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This is a balloon water scene. Has rocks and trees joined at the top.

16. Saddle up on this little horsey.

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On second thought, better not. Because it’ll go pop if you sit on it.

17. A butterfly always loves a flowery tree.

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Seems like it was made for a party. While the butterfly is so colorful and shiny.

18. “I am Iron Man. The suit and I are one.”

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However, I don’t think you can save the world in a suit made out of inflated rubber. But it’s a nice resemblance that will make Tony Stark proud.

19. Wouldn’t you love to be in this gingerbread house?

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Hey, at least you won’t eat anything from it. Great for any Christmas party. So charming.

20. Perhaps you’d want a shiny rose bouquet.

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Contains pink and purple roses. Perfect for any table.

21. Grace your party with an inflated peacock.

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Comes with 3 lilies. Though best not to touch it or it will deflate.

22. Any child would enjoy a balloon Big Bird.

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Wonder if they had this at Carol Spiney’s retirement party. Still, this is so cute.

23. Perhaps you might want to drive this semi.

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Yes, this is a balloon semi truck. I’m sure who had to blow into this is all tuckered out already. Okay, they probably used an air pump, but still.

24. Nobody could resist a cupcake like this.

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Even has sprinkles on it. Wonder how you inflate them.

25. Hope you can see with these glasses.

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Comes on its own stand. Though it doesn’t have any lenses.

26. Now you, too can ride upon a purple horse.

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Okay, you can ride on a balloon horse. Even has a long flowing mane, too.

27. Bet you didn’t think to see a rooster like this at the crack of dawn.

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Sure he may not crow, but that might be a bonus. Comes with a couple of flowers.

28. Parisians would marvel at this balloon Eiffel Tower.

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This one even lights up. Didn’t know a balloon display can do that.

29. Hope you don’t get karate chopped by this guy.

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Yes, that’s a balloon karate guy. And he’s ready to deflate anyone who stands in his way.

30. Perhaps you’d like a fairy garden entrance.

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Includes a large flower and tree. And I’m positive that it’s for a little girl’s birthday party.

31. Bet you’ve never seen a flower like this before.

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This balloon flower reaches the ceiling of this building. Hope it doesn’t wilt.

32. Eek! Giant bug! Kill it with fire!

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Actually it’s a fly made out of balloons. Even has clear balloon wings.

33.  Beware of the ferocious fire-breathing dragon.

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Doesn’t look particularly vicious. Though he has a whole space all to himself.

34. A windmill will do quite well beside a waterfall.

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Indeed, you can make whole scenes from balloons. But the windmill seems kind of out of place.

35. A balloon house can be especially haunted.

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Well, I know Halloween is over. But this is a balloon sculpture post so I’ll include it.

36. You’ll find this imposing mask hanging from the ceiling.

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Wonder if this is for a superhero. But it’s perfect for a Comic Con.

37. Want to ride in this car?

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It’s an old timey yellow car. While this guy is having a good old time.

38. This dalmation wants to give you flowers.

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This dog loves has a nice bouquet of 3. So adorable.

39. This little raccoon has come out of its stump.

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And it seems this little guy loves to smell the roses. Though I suppose it likes to eat from the garbage once in a while, too.

40. Looks like somebody spilled some beer.

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Don’t worry since the froth is made form balloons. That ought to make you say, “dilly, dilly!”

41. With a steering wheel like this, it’s welcome aboard.

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Guess this is for an ocean themed party. Yet, I think this wheel is too big for a ship.

42. A Chinese dragon is dazzling in the air.

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This Chinese dragon is quite colorful and knows how to make an entrance. Wonder if it’s for a Chinese New Year party.

43. “Dinner is served.”

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Of course, he didn’t cook the food. Though he’s dressed as a chef in balloons.

44. “This is the night, it’s a beautiful night…”

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This a balloon version of the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti dinner scene. And yes, it’s amazing.

45. Perhaps you might like a white balloon dress.

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Yes, they have balloon outfits. Don’t know why these don’t pop. Or how these people manage to sit down.

46. Jazz it up with a giant light-up saxophone.

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Yes, it’s a light up balloon sax. Perfect for a party featuring jazz music.

47. A snow queen should always look resplendent.

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Yes, it’s another balloon dress. But I think you’ll see it again when Lady Gaga wears it at an awards ceremony.

48. You never know what can come from the rainbow.

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Includes cats and a large swan. Makes you want to be there.

49. Care for an inflatable Easter basket?

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Includes a bunny, eggs, and daffodils. So cute.

50. Would you like a cup of coffee?

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Well, it’s quite small enough to put on a table. And it’s always steaming hot.

51. “All we are saying is give peace a chance.”

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Nice how it’s all in rainbow colors. So pretty.

52. This little leopard wants to be your friend.

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Don’t worry, it won’t bite you. Since it’s all made out of rubber anyway.

53. Hope you don’t forget your friendly neighborhood Spiderman.

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Yes, it’s a balloon Spiderman. Hope he’s there for Stan Lee’s funeral.

54. Nothing makes a great gift like a fancy inflatable bouquet.

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This one has pink flowers inside the vase. Love the gold and black checks on it, too.

55. Perhaps you’d like a big fancy pink cake.

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Has an array of candles on top. But I especially love the purple roses on the bottom tier.

56. The Dark Knight will always protect Gotham City.

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Not sure what Batman would think about his balloon likeness. Because he doesn’t seem like a balloon kind of guy.

57. An inflated owl is one you don’t want to mess with.

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Contains a lot of mice for some reason. Mostly because owls usually eat them.

58. Deadpool always knows how to blow.

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Yes, there’s a balloon Deadpool. And I’m sure Ryan Reynolds doesn’t know what to think about it.

59. Want to make anchor?

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This one is blue with a white chain. But it won’t sink to the bottom since it’s made from balloons.

60. Behold, the mask of Pharaoh Tutankhamen.

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Okay, it’s a balloon likeness of King Tut. An Egyptian pharaoh who gave his life for tourism.

61. Would you like a strawberry milkshake?

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Okay, it’s a balloon milkshake you can’t drink out of. But it comes with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

62. Wonder what this golden design is supposed to be.

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It’s either a trophy or a fancy golden flower. Can’t tell which.

63. Anyone would want to hold this little bunny rabbit.

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Seems like something you can hold in your hand. But keep it away from sharp objects or it will deflate. So cute.

64. “Who you’re gonna call?”

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This is a Ghostbusters balloon display. Though I’m sure one of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man has to be around somewhere.

65. Any queen would love to have this inflated crown.

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Even has purple flowers near the top. So pretty. Love it.

66. Don’t want to run into this creature from the deep.

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Indeed, this is a balloon shark. And yes, it looks pretty awesome.

67. Hope you can stand the glare of the rainbow sun.

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Well, its rays go into all directions. But the whole display is easy to pick up.

68. A large colorful butterfly should be there to greet you.

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Here it is on the front door. While the other balloons near the stairs are flowers.

69. Nobody could resist a sweet little walrus like this.

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it even has whiskers and tusks. So adorable. Want to give it a fish?

70. Of course, you can’t forget the iconic Marilyn Monroe.

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She has her dress rising up from The Seven Year Itch. So don’t look up her skirt.

71. “Smokey, my friend, you are entering a world of pain.”

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Yes, they have balloon characters from The Big Lebowski. Though some might think this Walter one is a bit over the line.

72. Sometimes you have to fly like an Egyptian goddess.

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This one is pretty elaborate. Love her golden wings. Hope her name’s not Isis since that name’s become associated with a terrorist group.

73. Perhaps this guy can scare the crows for you.

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Well, it’s a balloon scarecrow that’s not so scary. Even has a balloon crow in its arm.

74. Bet you wouldn’t guess who this Disney princess is.

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It’s Snow White by the way. And yes, her head is bigger than the rest of her body.

75. Perhaps you might want to spend some time under the sea.

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Seems like the octopus dominates the display. Yet, you’ll find a mermaid sitting on a rock.

76. Feel in the mood for an elephant ride?

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It’s an Indian elephant since you can’t tame an African one. Still, you have to love it in balloons.

77. Want a hot air balloon ride?

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Can even fit 5 people inside a balloon basket. Love the rainbow on the balloon. So pretty.

78. Sometimes we can all use a nap.

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Yes, it’s a balloon hammock. Though I’m not sure if I want to lie down on that.

79. Seems like there’s life out there after all.

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Okay, it’s a balloon alien in a flying saucer. Yet, its head almost takes the whole window.

80. Hope this lamppost can light your way home.

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Sure it’s a lamp post made out of balloons. Yet, it lights up at a party.

81. You can stun at a party in this long black dress.

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Even has pink lace at the bottom. Hope she doesn’t sit on anything sharp.

82. Perhaps you’d think this is a fitting knightly tapestry.

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Well, this is certainly spot on. Like the knight on his horse slaying a purple dragon.

83. Two swans can always enjoy a pond by themselves.

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Indeed, it’s a balloon display. But you have to love the weeping willow in the background.

84. Don’t you just love a rainbow?

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Well, the rainbow is even in a heart in this display. And among a background of clouds.

85. Perhaps you’d like to see a dinosaur with flowers.

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Well, it’s a purple stegosaurus holding flowers. So adorable though.

86. You can find plenty of flowers growing on this well.

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But don’t put a coin and make a wish. Since it’s not a wishing well.

87. Sometimes you’ll find a magical world underwater.

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You’ll find seahorses and plenty of fish. So amazing if you ask me.

88. At a wedding, it’s customary for rings to be intertwined.

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Yes, these are balloon wedding rings. And they’re touched with red roses.

89. There is so much to love about a heart shaped coach.

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And I guess this is for a wedding. Comes with wheels trimmed in gold.

90. This guy can cut anything with this giant pair of scissors.

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Actually, I don’t think he can cut anything. Because the scissors are inflated with balloons.

91. Did you take anything from the toucan?

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While it may seem quite sophisticated, you can’t help but love it. So cute.

92. As beauty, Belle holds a rose in a tale as old as time.

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Though she didn’t wear a crown in Beauty and the Beast. But she’s so pretty.

93. This lizard is as cool as a cucumber.

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I think it’s supposed to be a balloon iguana. As it sits on its own branch.

94. Hope you can stand with pride for this stars and stripes.

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Sure it’s made with balloons. But you can see the stars in the blue section.

95. Apparently, he intends to eat Thanksgiving dinner all by himself.

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After all, he only has a large knife and fork. Still, this is kind of amusing.

96. You’ll find a great bounty in this cornucopia.

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And yes, it’s filled with all kinds of fruit and veggies. Still, in the Hunger Games, the cornucopia has a way different meeting.

97. A phoenix can always rise out of the ashes.

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This one even has 3 tail feathers. Though don’t put it near fire.

98. Try getting a gumball from this candy machine.

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Though you’ll need a big coin. And you’ll probably get a balloon instead.

99. Hope you can hear these herald angels sing.

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Yes, they’re Christmas angels. But you have to love their smiles and candy canes.

100. You’d swear this balloon display is a work of art.

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This is a takeoff of Sandro Botticelli’s The Birth of Venus in balloons. And yes, it includes nudity like the original.

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The Wonderful World of Album Covers (Fifth Edition)

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While you might have noteworthy covers like the Fleetwood Mac Rumors album, there are plenty that aren’t on the standard radar. Mostly because they’re not very memorable since they normally feature the artist and the title. Yet, do a Google search and you’ll find plenty of album covers that can quite ridiculous. A lot of them can be unintentionally funny, creepy, or inappropriate. While some of them can be more risque than you’d think they be, considering if the release date was before 1970. Some can just be plain weird, especially if they’re sci-fi inspired or aimed to children. Nonetheless, most of these musical acts typically remain unknown. Though you’ll find a noted singer or band once in awhile. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasure trove of crazy old album covers. Enjoy.

  1. Moe Bandy: I Just Started Hatin’ Cheatin’ Songs Today
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You can’t find a more country album like this. Apparently, his wife left him, his dog died, his pick up truck broke down, and he almost went to prison. And he probably has a drinking problem.

Moe has never been the same since Sandra left him for Pablo the pool boy.

2. The Beatles: Yesterday and Today

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Yes, even the Beatles had their share of terrible album covers like a the infamous butcher cover. Fortunately for collectors, this one is worth a lot of money.

Unfortunately, even the Beatles weren’t above mutilation.

3. Ivory Chuck: Ivory Chuck at the Ivories

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Ivory Chuck can always be handy with the piano keys. Yet, mess with him and he’ll strangle you and dump you in the river.

Hustler by day, lounge musician by night.

4. Ferrante and Teicher: Blast Off!

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One guy is lying with his legs up on the piano like he’s supposed to be in zero gravity. Star Trek this is not.

Unfortunately, they didn’t qualify as space camp material.

5. If the Bomb Falls: A Recorded Guide to Survival

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Sorry, but I don’t think this album has any good information on surviving nukes. Seriously, if a nuke dropped where you live, you’re most likely to die.

Need to know about surviving nukes? This album will tell you everything you need to know.

6. Music for Dreaming

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And yet, they lie in street clothes in the snow. Outside a village with very small people. My guess they’ll end up like Gulliver before they wake up.

Finally, a album you can play while you sleep.

7. Dwayne Smith: “Get Directly Down”

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Nonetheless, Dwayne is determined to hold a beach concert as a low-budget Elton John with his keyboard and amplifier in tow. While his trusted dog is by his side.

Why directly? Was “Get Down” already taken?

8. Esquivel: Exploring New Sounds in Stereo

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Then again, to explore new sounds in space may require a way larger telescope than he could muster. And they wouldn’t sell it in stores.

And yet, he’s using a telescope.

9. Si Zetner and His Orchestra: The Swingin’ Eye

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Someone must’ve been on acid to design this cover. Seriously, you’d think she was from the VFD strip club from A Serie of Unfortunate Events.

Featuring a large eye with a lady’s butt and legs.

10. Warren Barker and His Orchestra: William Holden Presents a Musical Touch of Far Away Places

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Here William Holden sits in the study with a nervous smile. Hoping the band doesn’t play the “Colonel Bogey March.”

Apparently, the bongos is making William Holden feel cramped.

11. The Stanley Johnson Orchestra: Have Harp Can’t Travel

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I’m sure any concert hall would have a harp there. I mean almost every one of them has a piano.

Yeah, I don’t think you can fit that in a tour bus.

12. Si Zetner and His Orchestra: High Noon Cha Cha Cha

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Sure she’s topless and wears high heel sandals. But ogle at her bare rack long enough and she’ll take you out her six shooters.

Featuring the notorious Ta-Ta Jane, the best topless straight shooter in the Old West.

13. Music to Light Your Pilot By

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Wonder what the pilot’s going to do with that large wooden propeller. Hope he’s not thinking a threesome.

After all, pilots need music while having sex, too.

14. Maya Angelou: Miss Calypso

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Yes, that’s Maya Angelou herself dancing to the fire in a strapless dress that she could stick her leg out. I know it’s kind of uncomfortable to see her this way.

Here you can listen to the great American poet and author sing calypso music.

15. The Incomparable Robin Hood Band: Spectacular Sounds

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If you had to wear a humiliating marching band uniform in high school, imagine having to dress up like Robin Hood while playing professionally. Because these guys look totally ridiculous.

Hear the music from this band of merry men.

16. Living Strings: Music to Help You Stop Smoking

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Wonder what kind of songs would be on this album. And wonder if that music helps people to break the habit.

Because if you need to quit, put on this record while going cold turkey.

17. Music to Keep Your Husband Happy

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Indeed, this is album is meant to be played during sex. Nonetheless, I’m sure Barry White and Marvin Gaye are somewhere on the listings.

Includes booklets inside to spice up your love life.

18. Fun’Da’Mental: Erotic Terrorism

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This is by a British Muslim hip-hop group from the 1990s which is still around today. Yet, the cover seems ripped from a foreign film about a guy with a thirst for revenge.

You don’t mess with this man with a gun.

19. Diesel Smoke, Dangerous Curves, and Other Truck Driver Favorites

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And yet, the cover features a truck stop waitress. Mostly because they think sex sells somehow.

If your job takes you on the road, here’s the soundtrack for you.

20. The Gateway Singers

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Yet, the outfits are much to be desired. Seriously, plaid sport coats and drapery dresses?

They’re just a wholesome group in front of a cabin.

21. Ron Johnson: “Happiness” with Ron Johnson

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Here he has his guitar in the garden. While he sings, “The Tax Returns Don’t File Themselves.”

Ladies and gentlemen, Ron from accounting would like to sing a song for you.

22. Jeff: Something Special from Jeff

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From Mental Floss: “Poor Jeff looks like death warmed over, from his Herman Munster tan to that funeral director suit. I just hope the ‘something special’ he’s got for us doesn’t involve that hook.”

Presenting something special by the all incomparable Jeff.

23. Rusty Warren: Knockers Up!

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They seem awfully close to one another while drinking martinis. I think I know where this is going.

This drummer always knows how to turn on the charm.

24. Alan Gardiner Accordion Band: Play It Again

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Oh, God, you don’t want to have 4 accordions in a room like that. That’s not a party. That’s torture.

With accordions you’ll always have a party.

25. Zillertal Band: Beer Drinking Songs by the Zillertal Band

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Yes, this album features a lot of German drinking songs. And a couple of guys just have to enjoy a beer with a barmaid who might be a Vulcan.

Finally, an album you can play for Ocktoberfest.

26. Millie Jackson: E.S.P

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Nonetheless, the crystal ball seems to magnify her boobs. Since the ball is almost totally transparent.

Millie Jackson sees all, knows all.

27. Elin Proysen and Egil Johansson: Med et Smil

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This is from Norway. Still, on the bright side, despite being stranded on their car, their music could attract flood rescuers.

Just because you’ve been flooded on the road, doesn’t mean you can’t have fun making music.

28. Mohamed El-Bakkar and His Oriental Ensemble: Port Said Music of the Middle East

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Still, it features a very scantily clad belly dancer that would infuriate many Muslims today. Besides, are those nipple pasties?

Be transported to exotic places with music from the Middle East.

29. Li’l Richard and His All Stars: Happy Easter

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Yet, he probably got that nickname while in prison for armed robbery. And no, I don’t think the bunnies soften his rough-hewn image.

No, he’s not that L’il Richard.

30. The McKeithens

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I mean the one woman has a beehive that’s straight from the 1700s. And yes, this is a Christian album.

Brought to you by Marie Antoinette hair products.

31. Jean Pierre Jumez: The Nimble Fingers of Jean Pierre Jumez

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Seriously, is this guy even wearing pants? Maybe I really don’t want to know.

He’s a musician so dedicated to his art that he practices on the toilet.

32. Siegfried Schwab & the Voice of Rosy: The Fabulous Guitar from Bach to Almeida

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Ironically, Johann Sebastian Bach wasn’t known for being a perv. In fact, he was a family man known for fathering 20 kids with 2 wives.

Didn’t know Bach was into women in pink bodysuits.

33. Sister Mary Bernadette O.P.: Sister Sings of Many Things

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So what kind of things does she sing about? Okay, I know religious music is most likely. But for all I know she could be singing about pina coladas or something.

There’s not just one singing nun out there.

34. Daniel DiCarlo and His Orchestra: Moonlight Madness

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Indeed, she’s touching the whiskers of a guy in a tiger suit. An early example of furry fandom at its finest.

Featuring Ginger and her tiger friend.

35. Buzz Martin: Where There Walks a Logger There Walks a Man

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Monty Python lumberjack-transvestite jokes aside, loggers aren’t known for their resilience. Should more appropriately be titled: Where There Walks a Logger There Walks a High Insurance Risk.

Because lumberjacks are the pinnacle of manliness.

36. Willeta Boren: Let Everything That Has Breath Praise the Lord

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And yet, the wind has no effect on her large hairdo. Thanks to copious amounts of hair spray.

Here we have Willeta walking on the sand.

37. Black Sabbath: Born Again

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Man, that’s one freakish baby. Even has devil horns, fans, and claws. Still, Black Sabbath is a metal band so this isn’t out of the ordinary for them.

Featuring the infant spawn of Satan.

38. Cody Matherson: “Can I Borrow a Feelin?'”

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From Mental Floss: “Cody had the great honor of having his album title stolen by the writers of The Simpsons: in the episode “A Milhouse Divided,” after Milhouse’s dad loses his marriage and hits rock bottom he records a terrible album called “Can I Borrow A Feeling?” Sounds like Matherson should borrow a lawyer.”

By the hunkiest man from the trailer park.

39. The Melachrino Orchestra: Music for Daydreaming

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Yet, she feels quite inadequate with her life. With a boyfriend who won’t give her the time of day and a dead-end job, Blanche often sought to live a fantasy life.

Brought to you by the woman reading her book with a yellow rose.

40. ET: Best Friends

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Seriously, his pants have seashells on them. Also, comes across as a rap artist Eddie Murphy would parody on SNL during the 1980s.

Featuring his seashell pants.

41. W.W. Bauer, M.D. and Florence Marvayne Bauer: Explaining Sex to Your Little Girl: A Common Sense Guide to Growing Up

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Yeah, this is pretty awkward. And here the girl sits on her dad’s lap as he explains periods.

Need to explain sex to your daughter? This album could help.

42. Gary Dee Bradford: Gary Dee Bradford Sings for You and You and You

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Look into his eyes and you’ll see a soulless child from the Village of the Damned. Don’t let his smile fool you.

Here the voice of the kid who seems like he’d kill ants with a magnifying glass.

43. The Gospel Four: The Gospel Four Sings “I Won’t Walk Without Jesus”

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Seriously, look at their coats. Also, the woman’s bouffant is so garish. In addition, they seem like they’re watching a squirrel do something funny.

Sponsored by red denim.

44. Tex Ritter: Tex Ritter Sings “Happy Hands!”

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After all, children need clean hands in order to strangle the living daylights out of you. Seriously, those kids appear to be the stuff of nightmares.

Said to be “a song that teaches the value of clean and busy hands.”

45. Moscow Nights: Popular Russian Hits

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Apparently, they don’t party very hard in Russia. Though I think the happy couple dancing must be drunk on vodka. Since the others have blasé faces.

Listen to the popular music of Russia.

46. Music to Massage Your Mate By

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However, this woman’s face says, “Not feeling it.” While the guy could almost pass for a 1970s porn star.

Rub down your mate with a collection of these tunes.

47. Weela Gallez: A Hysterical Evening with Weela Gallez

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And yet, she dresses like she’s just been on vacation. Still, that face as she’s holding her monkey in sheer horror is priceless.

Caption: “My turtle’s dead!”

48. Julia & Barbara the Blind Slye Twins: It’s Me Again Lord

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Sure they can’t see a thing. But they’re bound to haunt your dreams with their big hair and thirst for blood.

Hear the songs of Christian twins you wouldn’t want to run into at a haunted hotel.

49. Tubby Boots: Tubby Boots Goes Topless

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Yet, that doesn’t mean you should put nipple pasties on your man boobs. Also, is that a centurion helmet?

But why do an album on that?

50. W.A.S.P: Animal (F**k Like a Beast)

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I’m sure any guy looking at this album cover would freak out over the saw in the crotch belt. Seriously, that looks really painful.

Brought to you by the crotch ripper.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Seventh Edition)

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I usually do postcards in early August. But since I had to NFL and College sports posts as well as some articles on our Pussygrabber-in-Chief, it kind of slipped under the radar. Anyway, in late June, I went to Minnesota for my cousin’s wedding at St. Cloud since his wife is from there. And my parents, my sister, and I spent the next few days playing tourist in both St. Cloud and Minneapolis. In St. Cloud, you can see the Beaver Islands and Quarry Park. In Minneapolis, there’s the Walker Art Center, Minnehaha Falls, the American Swedish Institute, and the Mill City Museum. And yes, Mall of America does exist there. But come on, it’s just an enormous temple of conspicuous materialism with an overpriced amusement park. The only place worth seeing is the Lego store, nothing else. Anyway, there are plenty of vintage postcards out there that can show just about anything. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of crazy vintage postcards you won’t find at any souvenir shop.

  1. Fasten yourself to this metal horn.
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Yes, it’s another one of those old German torture postcards. And you can see the crowd laughing at him. Hey, at least you don’t live during the Middle Ages.

2. “Someone just took a dump at the corner of Maple and Elm Street.”

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Yeah, you have to feel bad for that guy in the wheelbarrow. Always having to clean everyone else’s messes on the street.

3. You’ll find all kinds of scenes inside this metal man.

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Actually, it seems like a guy inside a metal contraption. With the scenes depicting all the bad stuff he’s done.

4. Study hour is always a time for reflection.

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And yet, this kid fantasizes about the football game. Some things never change.

5. Protect your home from intruders with a safety guard.

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Actually, almost everyone has these. Seriously, they’re not really a big deal save the price.

6. Check out this papaya in St. Petersburg’s Sunken Gardens.

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While the term is a pejorative slang for a woman’s nether region in Cuba. So they use “fruta bomba” instead.

7. See the magnificent prehistoric creatures at the Phosphate Valley Exposition.

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Mr. Mastadon is utterly incensed that all the other giant mammals are on his lawn. Prepare to be gored.

8. Enjoy Swiss music and dance with Helmut and Ingrid in Miami.

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From Bad Postcards: “After the performance, I want to walk up to Ingrid and give her a big hug and kiss. Helmut, on the other hand, scares me a little.”

9. You’ll always have fun in the sun at the Blue Mist Motel.

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Apparently, I have no idea why the pillars seem to resemble Dr. Seuss like tennis rackets. Located in Miami.

10. It’s always amazing to try exotic new foods.

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And I think that guy’s about to say something racist. While his wife’s trying to keep a smile on her face to hide her embarrassment.

11. “Discover for yourself our complete line.”

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And yet, she’s decked in the most scantily clad hula skirt I’ve ever seen. While she has a bunch of thin skits strategically placed at her breasts.

12. “Just specify the shape you want.”

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I’m sure this postcard is totally photoshopped. Seriously, the light on the woman doesn’t match the light in the background. Also, is she just wearing a red sheet?

13. Just a fair catch at the Florida Keys.

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From Bad Postcards: “The dog at bottom left looks like he’s ashamed to be included in the picture.”

14. Would you want it in pink or blue?

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Either way, they seem like a couple of freaky old guy faces with sunglasses. Also what’s with the ears and legs?

15. Chief Halftown is a bowler supreme.

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From the back: “A full-blooded Seneca Indian, Chief Halftown has traveled thousands of miles in helping thousands of youngsters learn to enjoy the fun of bowling. There are Chief Halftown Junior Bowling Clubs in over 200 cities in the United States and Canada.” Wait a minute, I don’t think warbonnets are Seneca Indian garb since they’re Iroquois.

16. There’s always one in every bar.

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You mean a horse’s ass? Indeed, I can believe it. Since we already have a horse’s ass in the White House.

17. Protocertops once roamed the Gobi Desert.

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But I’m sure some people might see it as a combination between a Triceratops and a parrot. Seriously, look at that beak.

18. Any of these beautiful candles will make a great gift.

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These are great for entertaining your guests in the basement area where you smoke your pot to the Grateful Dead. Wonder if any of them are scented.

19. Hans and Alice Grossniklaus sell their cheese from their Alpine Cheese chalet mobile.

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And yet, they keep their van open. Despite that cheese often needs refrigeration.

20. Enjoy a toast to fine Alpine wine.

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While Heinrich was fine in his lederhosen, Bertha already had a few drinks. Besides, she thinks that Heinrich looks idiotic in his lederhosen.

21. “Stop Mastitis with Masti-Kure.”

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I think it has something to do with cows since they’re in the background. But there’s a nice collection of large syringes.

22. With Trip-It, you can feed songbirds with ease while baffling squirrels.

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I’m sure squirrels will eventually figure this out. Also, stuffed birds not included.

23. Greetings from Lizzard Butte, Idaho.

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Okay, I can sort of see the point with this rock formation. Yet, for a place called “Lizzard Butte” the sight is disappointing.

24. You can wear this scarf 4 ways.

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Looks include the Pilgrim, the choir singer, the shaky collar, and the preacher. Available at all retail outlets.

25. Come and marvel at the world’s largest cereal plant.

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If anyone wants me to admire an industrial plant, the architecture has to be amazing. This is not.

26. Sagebrush is Nevada’s state flower.

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Apparently, this postcard really doesn’t show the sagebrush’s splendor. Seems more like a bunch of desert bushes.

27. “Here’s the paper, here’s the ink, and here’s the toner.”

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I guess this is a very old timey printer. Yet, despite her smiling, Gladys isn’t exactly thrilled with showing the new recruits how to maintain one of these stupid machines.

28. Come to the Steiff Museum to see Susi and Fiffy.

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The cats are actually fine in this. But the taxidermy mice are straight from nightmares.

29. The office coffee maker should always match the table.

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She seems so happy getting the coffee at the office. Too bad she can’t poison it before giving the cup to her boss.

30. Enjoy the taste of Valleydale Honee Weenees.

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You know weenee also has a different connotation. Also note the guy on the left on the wrapper has a very long trombone.

31. Having a party? They’ll cover your catering.

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On second thought, I don’t think so. Most of what’s on these platters is disgusting. Save for the cake and buns.

32. Aluminum siding is an investment in better living.

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The house isn’t quite bad. But the chimney sort of seems like the owner’s trying to signal to aliens.

33. Shop and win this imported ceramic decorator set.

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Comment from Bad Postcards: “Holiday generosity – or passive aggressive rage? Innocent holiday table-ware – or slightly disguised alter pieces to H.P. Lovecraft’s Elder Gods?”

34. Wow your guests with Wetzstein’s all white meat cooked turkey.

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What the hell is this? I heard it’s called turkey cake. However, I think it’s really disgusting.

35. Anyone could enjoy these fireplace logs.

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Actually these are fake and only used for decoration. Also, the fires seem like they’re electric and don’t seem to ignite well.

36. A lady’s razor always needs a stylish pouch.

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The razor should also be decorated with painted flowers. Oh, and you should shave in front of your vanity instead of in the bathtub.

37. Buy from us and we’ll give you this “Gracious Living” set.

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And it’s on rooster pattern. God, this looks really ugly. Seriously, why?

38. Feel free to dine in The Wolf’s Den.

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Here Lula comes across her ideal man. Big, strong, and unapologetically savage.

39. In a mood for a catfight?

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It’s just a taxidermy depicting 2 cougars fighting. Nonetheless, it almost looks like the real thing. Almost.

40. Come down to Miami to meet Alan Shepard, John Glenn, and Scott Carpenter.

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Yet, all these guys have had their souls removed after returning from earth. So they’re all now lifeless zombies wandering the planet.

41. Come in and dine at Ft. Lauderdale’s Polynesian Room.

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Includes Polynesian cuisine and quality entertainment. Introducing scantily clad women with hula skirts and shirtless men. Check out the neon tiki images.

42. Wheatlands Motel gives you all the necessary amenities.

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“Home of the Blue Angels while in Garden City, Kansas.” Too bad their bright orange flight suits reminds me of prison uniforms.

43. “Having fun at Bradley Beach, New Jersey.”

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Don’t really seem like having fun to me. Not even the kids. Then again, they must’ve just seen Chris Christie pass by.

44. New York’s Georgian Hotel has a heart-shaped tub in every room.

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I don’t know about you. But if I were that woman, I wouldn’t spend one more minute in that tub with her creepy boyfriend. Seriously, he looks so creepy. Also, the mirrors really kill the mood.

45. Bob and Jimmie Nusca serve the Lord in Bangladesh.

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They seem more like doctors than missionaries. While the husband seems like an old Dr. House on happy pills.

46. In Van Nuys, California, come down and eat at the Valley Ho.

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For God’s sake, this is a family restaurant like Denny’s. Not a whorehouse. Who’d even have such a demented idea?

47. Greetings from Dancing Waters in Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin.

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Seeing this neon light and fountain display, you’d think Wisconsin Dells was the Midwest equivalent to Las Vegas. Not sure if it’s true. But did they have to use all that red?

48. Here we come to a man harvesting peanuts in Dixie.

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On one hand, peanut cultivation wasn’t widespread until after the American Civil War. On the other hand, the South employed blacks as sharecroppers in agricultural work. Either way, I’m sure he’s not harvesting peanuts on his own land or for a sufficient wage.

49. Check out this gigantic power dam.

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It’s called the Moses-Saunders Dam, which extends from Canada to New York. Wonder if a beaver can build anything remotely like that.

50. Cardinal Francis Spellman meets Pope John XXIII.

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To have wax figures of either man like this is pure blasphemy. Also, someone doesn’t seem to like Spellman too much since he looks like a corrupt churchman.

51. Wish you were here at Auburn Prison.

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I don’t know about you. But why the hell would anyone want to visit a prison town? It might be nice. But the town is built around a prison.

52. Here we have 2 bull moose duking it out in the forest.

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Located in Gaylord, Michigan. Still, this seems more like a painting than a taxidermy display.

53. If you think your life is bad, look at a cow who’s stepped on her udder.

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Sorry, but I don’t think a cow can step on her udders. Think it’s physiologically impossible.

54. Mr. Tibbles closes in for the kill.

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Here a he climbs a tree to catch a bird carrying a salt shaker. So he really means business.

55. Come and enjoy the hunt for deer and duck in the great outdoors of New Jersey?

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When I think of New Jersey, I don’t imagine people hunting. Mostly because people don’t go to New Jersey to hunt animals.

56. It’s no wonder Birmingham, Alabama is seen as the “Pittsburgh of the South.”

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This postcard should actually read, “Greetings from Hell.” Because it looks more like a place where bad people go when they die.

57. These water skiers show a display of their Southern pride.

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While at best they’re showing their racial insensitivity and willful ignorance to Civil War history. At worst, they’re proclaiming to the world that they’re racist.

58. At Finocchio’s you’ll find fabulous female impersonators.

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Think of it as the old-timey version of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Some are even dressed from the 1920s.

59. The University of Illinois presents the Luther League of America.

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Comment from Bad Postcards: “At first I thought this was Lex Luthors secret society lair. Not just from the name, they honestly look pretty similar. “

60. “Would you like a cup of coffee?”

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Indeed coffee may be strong. But Rosie’s added some arsenic, strychnine, and cyanide to enhance the flavor.

61. Perhaps you’d like to drop by for harvest time in Montana.

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I’m sure Montana has more interesting scenery than this. So they grow grain there, big deal. Can’t they have more pictures of Glacier before global warming makes it disappear?

62. Perhaps you’d like a large gourmet dinner with lobster.

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I’m sure the dinner doesn’t come cheap. Still, the soup looks really disgusting.

63. Death Valley is the Devil’s golf course.

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Wrong, everyone knows the Devil’s golf course is Mar-A-Lago in Florida. Or in Bedminster, New Jersey. Or wherever he owns a golf club.

64. Would you like to hear a poem about the seahorse?

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They forgot to mention that the female lays her eggs in the male’s body before she takes off. While the babies hatch inside him. Yes, seahorse reproduction is very messed up.

65. “Don’t you ever get tired of the same old bull?”

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If used as an expression, it’s not that bad. But if you use cows, then there’s a sexual connotation. Though to be fair, most farms would usually have one bull anyway.

66. Make the season jolly with R&R Toy.

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How could that baby sit beside that demonic man in the red suit and not sense any danger? Because the Santa’s about to put that child through a world of pain.

67. This group always dons the robes with the white hoods.

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For a second, you’d almost take them for cult members. Then again, I wouldn’t be surprised.

68. Enjoy some South Sea fun at a Florida luau.

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While she dances, the drummer behind her watches her move. If he loses a beat, you know he’s distracted.

69. This dog wishes you a Merry Christmas.

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Look, a dog in a Christmas gift box may seem cute. But for the love of God, please don’t give live puppies or any other live animal for Christmas. A dog is a decade long commitment and responsibility, not a present since many Christmas puppies end up abandoned.

70. “Now, where did I park my car?”

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If you’re asking that question in a high snowy place like this, you might be in trouble. After all, that car can be several feet up in snow by now.

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover – Well, Most of the Time (Seventh Edition)

Whenever you go in a library, you’re bound to find all kinds of interesting books out there. You might see novels that might tell you a compelling story. You might want to know something more about a subject like animals, science, or history. Some might be manuals offering advice on certain aspects of life like dating or parenting guide. While some may be books geared for our own entertainment. Nonetheless, what all books have in common is that their cover usually serves as a marker on the shelves. And over the years I’ve done posts like these, I’ve found plenty with covers that can be downright strange. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another installment of insane book covers. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

  1. Two Guys Noticed Me and Other Miracles by Marjorie Sharmat
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And she seems to prefer one over the other. With the guy she’s more partial to sporting a mullet.

Since when is it a miracle that 2 guys notice you?

2. Snakes on a Sudoku: Official Snakes on a Plane Puzzle Book by Francis Heaney and Conceptis Puzzles

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Other similar titles are Crocodiles on a Crossword, Wendingos on a Word Search, and Cockroaches on a Cryptogram. Also, that Samuel L. Jackson quote doesn’t really do this book justice.

In the words of Samuel L. Jackson, “I’ve had it with these mother fucking snakes no this mother fucking sudoku.”

3. Surf Safari Nurse by Jane Converse

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Nurses go on an awful lot of thrilling, sexy adventures in Romance Novel World. I’m pretty sure it’s a trick played by the nursing industry to recruit the unsuspecting. You never see ‘Bedpan Duty Nurse’ or ‘Love Among the Gangrene Cleanup Crew.'”

Apparently, nurses prefer surfers for some reason.

4. Thong on Fire: An Urban Erotic Tale by Noire

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “This sounds more like a Chiller Channel Original Movie than an erotic novel. He lurks in the shadows outside the University For Totally Hot Chicks Who Study, Like, Science and Stuff. Just when they think it’s safe to sit down, the THONGBURNER strikes!”

A scorching story not for those with flammable underwear.

5. Chap Foey Rider: Capitalist to the Stars by Hayford Pierce

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “This looks thrilling. I can’t wait to get to the part where he files for a small business loan…in space! (Original title: Cousin Blobby and Ming The Merciless Go To The Goddamn Bank.)”

No, this isn’t about the life of Elon Musk.

6. After the Downfall by Henry Turtledove

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Admit it, Turtledove. You wrote this just so you could commission a painting of a Nazi riding a unicorn.”

Even Nazis love to ride their unicorns.

7. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Self-Esteem

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However, we have too many idiots with very high self-esteem like Donald Trump. Seriously, the guy is a complete narcissistic sociopath who thinks he can get away with shit.

For the idiot who needs to believe in themselves.

8. Pigeon Wigs and Extensions by Chlorine Windle

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Pigeon wigs? For God’s sake, these birds look totally ridiculous in those hairstyles. Why do books like this even exist?

Now those pigeons at the park can look fabulous.

9. When You Touch Yourself an Angel Dies: How Your Child’s Filthy Habit Is Destroying America and What You Can Do About It by Douglas and Rosalie Gale

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For God’s sake, you’re going to shame kids over masturbation? How is that destroying America? I don’t understand it since I can think of a hundred worse things like Donald Trump and white supremacists.

Talk to your kids about the evils of masturbation.

10. The Caves of Death by Victor Norwood

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From the Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Maybe they’d be a little less deadly if you wore pants, Thongbad the Mighty.” Yeah, because he’s basically dressed like a guy in a 1970s porn movie.

About a mighty man who’d slay a fire-breathing dragon in a pair of skimpy leopard print underwear.

11. Everything Happens to Stuey by Lillian Moore

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Wow, this book looks incredibly exciting! I can’t wait to…ZzzzzZZZzzz”

And yet, he’s shown fixing an alarm clock.

12. Eat and Stay Slim by Better Homes and Gardens

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “I assume the plan consists of soaking all your food in the bizarre swirly mustard/poison concoction in the gravy boat. “That’s disgusting. I’m not eating that shit!” There! You cut a lot of calories!” Actually a great way to stay slim is to cook and eat at home.

Now you can cook your way to weight loss.

13. The Adolescence of P-1 by Thomas J. Ryan

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Also, I wonder if the rocket has any kind of subtle symbolism. Like as sexual awakening.

I’m it was absolutely hellish if your name is P-1.

14. The Agoraphobia Workbook: A Comprehensive Program to End Your Fear of Symptom Attacks by C. Alec Pollard Ph.D. & Elke Zuercher-White Ph. D.

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Then again, agoraphobes are usually out of their comfort zone when they’re out of the house. Still, you have to wonder what’s inside this book.

If you’re afraid of the outside world but have to interact with it, this book is for you.

15. How to Survive an Atomic Bomb by Richard Gerstell

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Actually my advice to surviving an atomic bomb is basically to hold your loved ones close and kiss your ass goodbye. Because your odds of survival are highly unlikely.

A survival guide to getting through World War III.

16. How to Avoid Matrimony by Herald Froy

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Depicts a cave woman with a wooden club chasing a guy. Seriously, I’m sure there’s plenty of sexist bullshit inside it. And you thought hookup culture was just a millennial phenomenon.

Recommended for the rogue men who want to play the field.

17. Awaken the Genius in Your Child Through Positive Attitude Training by Nicola M. Tauraso, M.D. and L. Richard Batzler, M.D.

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Yet, you have to wonder why they chose a cover depicting a girl being struck by lightning without being electrocuted. Obviously, she must be a mutant. Time to call Professor X.

Think your kid is a genius? Use positive reinforcement with this book.

18. Billi Gordon’s You’ve Had Worse Things in Your Mouth Cookbook by Billi Gordon

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Aunt Jemima caricature aside, a cookbook with a title like that doesn’t really inspire confidence in this woman’s cooking talents. Seriously, I’m sure the recipes inside won’t look remotely appetizing.

Well, at least she’s honest.

19. The Beast with the Red Hands by Sidney Stuart

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “The shadowy figure skulked out of the darkness, and an unearthly chill went through the room. Lady Ebonyheart Ravensblood turned around in shock, dropping her cursed amulet on the floor. Her face twisted into a grimace of disgust. ‘Steve, take those stupid red mittens off. I don’t care how cold it is. You’re seriously ruining the atmosphere here.'”

Like Twilight but with more death and blatant relationship abuse.

20. Beauty Contest Nurse by Dianna Douglas

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Sure, she’s killed several patients due to gross incompetence. But she’s so pretty!”

“But, doctor, I can’t assist you in the operating room today. I don’t want to damage my manicure.”

21. What Makes a Teenager Say….Sometimes I Feel Like a Blob by Ethel Barrett

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Note: when you want to draw a blob, don’t use brown. Because when you draw a brown blob, it resembles a turd.

Because some days you just feel like shit.

22. Brainwashing Is a Cinch by James Maratta

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Okay, this seems pretty disturbing. Besides, I can see how easy it is to brainwash people during the 2016 campaign. Seriously, the fact Donald Trump manage to win the presidency with 63 million votes scares me to this day.

The #1 recommended self-help book for any aspiring cult leader and fascist demagogue.

23. Vampire Voles: A Welkin Weasels Adventure by Gary Kilworth

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Terror in the pasture! SEE animals with tiny little bites on them! THRILL to the amazing hero weasel armed with his wee wooden stakes! BEWARE…no small-to-medium size vermin is safe from…VAMPIRE VOLES!”

They may look cute but these critters want to suck your blood.

24. Cat Massage by Maryjean Ballner

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Indeed, this is another crazy cat book. Not sure how you can give a kitten a pat down.

Want to learn how to massage your cat? This book is for you.

25. Castles in the Air by Christina Dodd

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “I think I may have found the greatest romance novel of all time. Why? Count the princess’s hands.”

Here’s a medieval romance between a knight and his 3-armed lady.

26. The Real McCoys and Danger on the Ranch

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “They look awfully cheerful for people in danger. Maybe they don’t realize they’re driving off a cliff.”

Apparently, they don’t seem aware of it on the cover.

27. Cry Havoc by James D. Forman

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: ” This rare treasure of a novel tells the rip-roaring story of the McKenzie brothers and their loyal dog Hosehead fighting the Nazis, who apparently took that ‘Great White North’ thing a bit too literally.”

Apparently, you might want to avoid the giant hell hound.

28. Woman Doctor by Sloane Britain

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “I can believe ghosts physically manifesting from psychological unrest. Interdimensional space travel, sure. But a woman doctor!? Ridiculous!”

Finally, a book that’s about a woman doctor. Hooray for feminism!

29. Dreamhouse by Christopher Fahy

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Pfft. That’s not scary. Every house in Maine has a doll like this in it. You get used to it pretty quick.”

“Come and play with me.”

30. E-Mail Addresses of the Rich & Famous by Seth Godin

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Wonder if this guy’s ever heard of doxing. Because he’s practically doing it. Would like to know how many people sued this guy.

Now you can send an e-mail to your favorite celebrities.

31. Entertaining to Please Him by Taylor Bradford

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Because men prefer a woman who’d be a perfect doll and hostess at the party. Seriously, look into her eyes and you’ll find nothing there.

The #1 bestseller in Stepford.

32. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

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Jay Gatsby isn’t a hardboiled playboy. Also, he picked the wrong Daisy. Seriously, I read the book.

“When it comes to loving…He knew which Daisy to pick!”

33. The Official Gay Man-ual: Living the Lifestyle (or at Least Appearing to) by Kevin Dilallo and Jack Krumholtz

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To be honest, there’s really no right way to be a gay guy. So you man’s men around here, you do you.

Are you a gay man who’s come out of the closet? This is the book for you.

34. Global Warming: a Pop-Up Book of Our Endangered Planet by Sandy Ransford and Illustrated by Mike Peterkin

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Look, I know that global warming needs urgently addressed. But doing it with a pop-up book isn’t really the way to go.

It’s basically Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth for kids.

35. Have a Happy Measle, a Merry Mumps, and a Cheery Chicken Pox written and illustrated by Jeanne Benedick with Candy Benedick and Rob Jr.

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Look, I know this book was probably written decades ago. But now that we have vaccines for all of these, we shouldn’t let them make a comeback. Yet, anti-vaxxers think vaccines cause autism despite evidence to the contrary.

Because being sick with incredibly contagious diseases is fun.

36. The Truth About the Homosexuals by Dr. Hugh F. Pyle

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “The horrifying truth: they could have designed us a much nicer looking book cover, but our pride in being crazy assholes to everyone is more important than such worldly concerns. I really have to wonder what the F stands for. Nah, I think I know…”

For an anti-gay book, the pink glitter doesn’t help matters.

37. Why Not the Best? Why One Man Is Optimistic about America’s Third Century by Jimmy Carter

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Of course, you’ll find a lot of naïve platitudes in here. But understand that Carter was much younger and innocent then.

Wonder what today’s Jimmy Carter would think about this today.

38. How Not to Kill Your Husband by Kevin C. Hutchin, M.D.

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Listen, if your marriage is so bad that you’re thinking about getting this book, you might need marriage counseling. If you’re Amazing Amy from Gone Girl, well…

Husband giving you trouble? This is the book for you.

39. Knight Moves by Walter Jon Williams

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “If there isn’t at least one “horse’s ass” joke in this, I’m going to be very disappointed.”

Catered to anyone who likes a woman’s chest and a horse’s ass.

40. Knitting with Balls: A Hands-On Guide to Knitting for Men by Michael Del Vecchio

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Funny how he’s got needles in one hand and a couple of yarn balls in the other. Still, wonder what projects they have in it. Camo tea cozies?

Finally, a book about knitting for men.

41. The Legacy: A Birthright of Living Death by John Coyne

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “This is Mr. Wibbles. He is a 5-time grand champion Persian cat, and his hobbies include loafing on the sunny spot on the floor and chasing the ball with the bell in it. Do not piss him off.”

This time, Fluffy means business.

42. Liberace Cooks! as told to Carol Truax

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “*crunch* Ow! Who put these goddamn rhinestones in the spaghetti!?” Also, kind of unusual to see Liberace dressed in plaid shirt like a normal person.

Know how to make a rhinestone salad.

43. Looking Forward to Being Attacked by Lt. Jim Bullard

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This cover basically tells women to be afraid, be very afraid. I guess there’s something about carrying guns. At any rate, that’s no way to live.

Because someone could try to kill you at any moment and anywhere.

44. Church Members Who Make God Sick by John R. Rice D.D., Litt. D.

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Wonder what kind of church members make God sick. Is it the self-righteous hypocrites who see nothing wrong with shaming and screwing the poor? Let’s hope so.

Man, someone must have an axe to grind for the Lord.

45. More than Magic by Kathleen Nance

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From the Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Warlock Lord Abraxxas Sexington carefully prepared for his dark magic ritual, making sure all the reagents were in place. Mandrake root, check. Basilisk eyes, check. Store brand cologne and Hawaiian Tropic man-chest oil, check and mate.”

Want to make love with this hot wizard?

46. Nothing’s Impossible! Stunts to Entertain and Amaze by Jeff Sheridan

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Warning: Performing some of these stunts will result in grievous injury that will send you to the emergency room. Also, the guy’s like “No, not the dining chair! Dear God, not the dining chair!”

Want to impress people at a party? This book is for you.

47. You’re Either One or the Other: A Children’s Book about Human Sexuality by Joy Wilt, Illustrated by Hergie

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But keep in mind that Gender is a spectrum and social construct. Also, trans and intersex people exist.

Also called, My First Sex Ed Book.

48. The Pantyhose Craft Book by Jean Ray Laury and Joyce Aiken

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From the Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Why, what a lovely and unusual quilt you’ve made, Muriel. I’ve never seen one quite like it. What’s that fabric?”

Got a lot of ripped up pantyhose you don’t know what to do with? Do craft projects with them.

49. Preparing for Contact by Lyssa Royal and Keith Priest

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Then again, it might not be a romance. He might be probing her brain or perhaps steal her soul.

This science fiction romance is a real meeting of minds.

50. The Pride of Chanur by C.J. Cherryh

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Shhh. Don’t tell him…he’s adopted.”

Bill Cattington always suspected he was different.

51. Still Hungry- After All These Years: My Story by Richard Simmons

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Don’t like the way he’s biting on that fork. Seriously, that looks so creepy.

Learn about the life of fitness guru Richard Simmons.

52. Rosey Grier’s Needlepoint for Men by Rosey Grier

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By the way, he’s a former NFL linebacker for the LA Rams. Yes, you read that right.

Because real men do needlepoint.

53. Sarah T. Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic by Robin S. Wagner

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This girl seems to have a really terrible problem. Since she can’t let go of the booze at 13.

Follow the sensational story of a teenage drunk.

54. How to Sell Your Car for More than It’s Worth by Gregory C. Hill

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Look at the guy posed with the car and he dresses like a shady used car salesman. And you know those guys are notorious for ripping people off.

If you got a clunker you need to get rid of, this is the book for you.

55. The Skunk and His Junk by Pam Scheunemann

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It’s actually perfectly suitable for children. However, the title just results in all kinds of shits and giggles for anyone 12 and older.

It’s just a book about a skunk and his junk.

56. Mommy, Why Is There a Server in the House? by Tom O’Connor, Ph. D.

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Well, Jenny, it’s because it’s used for…uhm…internet…something. You know what, I don’t know either, and it’s probably boring anyway. Just don’t touch it, because that large heavy thing that I don’t know the purpose of is expensive as hell.”

Parents, talk to your kids about you stay-at-home server.

57. The Pirate City by Michael Robert Ballantyne

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Because all those guys seem like futuristic soldiers. Not 19th century Barbary pirates in Northern Africa.

Those guys don’t look like pirates to me.

58. The Breeze Horror by Candace Caponegro

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “One of my favorite cover subjects is horror books about completely un-scary things. Grrr! Those curtains’ll teach you to call them ugly and claim they clash with the wallpaper!”

Boy, Frankenstein’s monster sure has a large mouth.

59. Cornerstones of Freedom: The Story of Watergate

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Man, those pictures aren’t very flattering. Still, this was a scandal when most Americans actually cared about presidential integrity. Because there was no such thing as Fox News to fill white conservative voters with so much outlandish conspiracy theories and have white supremacists on their primetime shows.

Kids, now you can learn about the story of one of the darkest moments of American history.

60. Y2K-9: The Dog Who Saved the World by Todd Strasser

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Now if this dog hacker can go after the Russian hackers backing Donald Trump. That would be great. Still, you can’t take this seriously.

About a dog hacker who’s such a good boy.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Ads (Fifth Edition)

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As we all know, advertising is everywhere, especially around this time of year with Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. You see ads on the internet, the road, on TV, in movie theaters, and in magazines and newspapers. Of course, people need to make a living while companies need to sell their products. And consumers need to buy stuff to carry on with their lives. Nonetheless, while people back then didn’t have nearly as much saturation in their media, that’s mostly because certain outlets weren’t around at the time. Yet, a lot of them do contain things that wouldn’t bode well today or at least allow a modern audience to take them seriously. Some of them may offend. Some may creep you out. While some may seem kind of freaky. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of old timey vintage ads.

  1. Ladies, don’t grow old. Try Dorothy Gray.
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I think a better idea would be to accept aging as a natural process. And if your husband sees a problem with that, it’s his problem.

2. This premiere vibrator gives both pounding and rotary strokes.

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This is actually more of a massager specifically for women. Yet, the fact this is referred to as a vibrator just inspires a more dirty scenario with the words, “Maybe she’ll get to use it-when you’re not home.”

3. Lose weight with some Fat Off obesity cream.

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You can even apply it on your body while you bathe. Seriously, I don’t think it does a thing.

4. Make your hospital light, bright, and cheery with Truscon Detention Windows.

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For God’s sake, that slogan is totally wrong. Hospitals are places of sickness, injury, and death. Unless it’s the maternity ward and even then you might find some degree of tragedy.

5. Why pay to see a shrink? Can’t he just get his act together?

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This is an ad trying to combat the stigma on mental illness and encourage people to seek help. Yet, seeing that quote, I think it backfired horribly.

6. Doctors, don’t forget to check out these leucotomy instruments.

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Actually a leucotomy means the cutting of nerve fibers within the brain, as in a prefrontal lobotomy. Let’s just say, it’s an infamous surgical procedure that you don’t want to get. Seriously, there’s a reason why brain surgeons don’t do lobotomies anymore.

7. Would your kid know what to  do if you weren’t around?

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Well, I’m sure this boy has it all under control. Yet, this girl doesn’t seem too confident with him bandaging her leg.

8. Ad Burns Martin, we fit fat guys.

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Not sure if you’d want to advertise that. But I guess there’s a reason why we have big and tall stores.

9. With Clark’s Thinning Bath Salts, you can bathe the fat away.

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No, I don’t think weight loss works that way. So this is another weight loss product that does shit.

10. Get your food chopped in no time with this new perfection chopper.

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Okay, this image kind of creeps me out. Seriously, the chef face on that thing seems like the stuff of nightmares. For God’s sake, why did anyone think this was a good idea?

11. Got a cold? Well, it’s your own fault because you didn’t use Listerine twice a day.

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For God’s sake, you can’t prevent colds with mouthwash. Also, that doctor has a terrible bedside manner.

12. Remember, ladies, B.O. can really ruin your social life.

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Really? B.O. She has B.O. For God’s sake, just get a shower and put on some deodorant. Simple.

13. Don’t want a bald husband? Get him Wildroot Hair Tonic.

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I don’t think your husband’s baldness is within anyone’s control. It’s genetic. Perhaps you just accept that he might go bald in the future.

14. Nothing says fun at the beach like a Lucky Strike cigarette.

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In other news, enjoy the beach while it lasts. Because there’s a strong chance you’ll end up having respiratory problems and die of lung cancer.

15. Get healthy with electropathic belts.

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And you thought Gwyneth Paltrow’s jade eggs were ridiculous. This is a wellness product that may electrocute your genitalia, especially if you’re a man.

16. Pratt’s Healing Ointment is great for man and beast.

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Okay, this isn’t right. Seriously, the old guy seems a bit too pleased beside the horse in bed.

17. Ladies, don’t forget to wear Madame Rowley’s Toilet Mask 3 times a week.

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I’m not sure how effective it is with retaining beauty. But I believe it definitely makes a great Halloween costume.

18. Vaseline is so pure you can eat it.

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Not sure if I want to use that as a slogan for a product you’re not supposed to eat. Also, Vaseline is made from oil.

19. Improve your well-being with a Health Jolting Chair.

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I’m sure it’s not like the ones used on death row inmates. But still, an electric chair to improve health? Are you fucking nuts?

20. Pet cigarettes are always the best.

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You mean they had cigarettes for pets? You got to be kidding me. Apparently, giving people lung cancer wasn’t enough for tobacco companies.

21. Prevent dandruff and baldness with Newbro’s Herpicide.

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Reading this ad gets dandruff and baldness completely wrong. For one, dandruff doesn’t cause baldness since it’s a genetic condition. Second, dandruff is mostly dead skin flakes on the scalp, not germs.

22. Check out this phone booth of the future.

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Little did they foresee the invention of cellphones that would make phone booths obsolete. Seriously, we don’t use them anymore.

23. Keep your teenage boy’s sex drive in check with the sexual temperance spoon.

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No, I don’t think that’s going to tame unwelcome erections in teenage boys. You’re better off making them watch the news.

24. “This is a computer?”

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Still seems more like a large typewriter to me. On the bright side, it’s not as sexist as it’s portrayed as.

25. Keep your woman from straying with this genuine, lace-trimmed chastity belt.

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Okay, this is more or less meant as a sex toy for those with a kinky taste. But the “keep her under lock and key” part would inflame any feminist.

26. Watch Sabrina demonstrate her Belle and Howell Color-Slide Projector.

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I’m sure she’s in the ad for her technical know-how. Not for her torpedo shaped titties. Oh, wait, it’s totally because of her titties.

27. Union Carbide helps science build the new India.

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Wasn’t Union Carbide responsible for a chemical disaster in Bhopal which is said to be the world’s worst industrial disaster back in the 1980s? Yeah, I don’t think they made a positive contribution in that country. More like as many as 16,000 deaths and environmental devastation.

28. Enhance your beauty with a pair of new eyelashes.

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Actually those eyelashes look incredibly fake. While it makes these women appear quite ridiculous.

29. Pabst beer is always a blue ribbon drink.

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Yet, I have no idea why these people have blue ribbon limbs. That’s just plain freaky.

30. Correct facial flaws with this beauty micrometer.

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So basically it’s putting a woman in a head cage with spikes on it. Seems more like a torture device.

31. “A girl size hand needs a girl-size pen.”

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Reminds me of Ellen DeGeneres joking about Bic’s pens for women and how sexist such concept is. Apparently, Bic wasn’t the first company to do so.

32. Keep your figure with Harness’ Electric Corsets.

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So not only you can crush your internal organs but also electrocute them, too. Seriously, why did this exist?

33. “Does Mohawk Airlines have the best dress girls in the world?”

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Who the hell cares how an airlines’ stewardesses are dressed? A better question is are they proficient at their job? Or whether they’re afraid of flying.

34. No girl should ever be pear shaped.

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This is for shape underwear and bras. But yes, the body shaming is apparent.

35. Casket Cigarettes are the height of perfection.

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Ironically the name is rather appropriate. Because smoking these will eventually put you in a casket before your time.

36. This stove and oven set is a real wifesaver.

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Okay, that’s really sexist. Would expect this from the 1950s. Not the 1970s.

37. Like women, the best cigarettes are thin and rich.

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Sure it’s incredibly sexist with the thin and rich message. Nonetheless, cigarettes aren’t like women. Since the best women won’t give you lifelong health problems and an early death.

38. Ferris Brothers has corsets for all mothers and daughters.

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Really? Corsets inflict enough internal organ damage on women. But making your little girl wear one, that’s just even worse.

39. F.E. Young Dilators will relieve your piles and constipation woes.

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Butt plugs? I don’t think people use them nowadays for constipation. And let’s call them what they are, butt plugs.

40. In the future, you can see whoever you talk on the phone.

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I think we already have something like this on your cell phone. I mean you can get Skype on there. Also, that hat is ridiculous.

41. Remember, fellows, smart men don’t mask morning mouth.

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Because a smart men wouldn’t wear a ridiculous space helmet to the office. So try Chlorodorant.

42. Relieve your worries with Barker’s Vibrator.

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It’s actually supposed to be a wellness product like a massager. Yet, reading it inspires certain images that may not be safe to describe to children.

43. Improve your water circulation with the classic head.

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Though “good head” can also be a sex term that I’m not very familiar with. Or at least what I think is a sex term.

44. “Take your party over the rainbow.”

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Yet, Dorothy seems to wear sunglasses due to suffering migraine headaches, apparently. Though why Toto’s wearing sunglasses, I have no idea.

45. Sued by your children? We can help.

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Reading this just makes me cringe. Since it portrays teenagers as being out of control kids who put their parents through hell.

46. Doctors, here is the drug pusher.

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Apparently, the drug pusher is a scary dude who hangs out on a bench. Even wears a mullet. Avoid him.

47. You always know it’s clean with Pyrex.

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Yet, the boy seems like he’s embarrassed like he accidentally dropped his pants. While his mom just laughs her head off.

48. Mighty Tiny is the world’s smallest record player.

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Yet, this girl is so happy because she thinks these little records could be used as potential weapons. And she’s thinking about getting revenge on that neighbor who told her to get off his lawn.

49. Hold up your figure with Kotex belts-now in white.

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What the hell is that supposed to be? Some sort of girdle? Also, her dress looks really white. Like it can blind you.

50. Protect your buildings with the magic mineral asbestos.

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Yes, protect your building with the magical mineral asbestos. While you inhale it and die from mesothelioma.

51. Ven Heusen shirts give men a bolder look.

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Apparently, Van Heusen thinks they’re great for when beating your wife. Seriously, the top image makes it seem like the brand is endorsing spousal abuse.

52. Glow with your health with VI-Rex Violet Rays.

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So this is another electrotherapy device. Still, during the 1940s and 1950s, these devices were subject to numerous lawsuits and multiple actions by the US government like recalls, forfeitures, and orders to have them destroyed.

53. Take Prophylaxis for she might be a slut.

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Though I don’t think Prophylaxis is that effective for preventing STDs. Best idea would not to have sex on the first date.

54. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Hooter.

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Actually though it resembles a vacuum, it’s seems more like a cocaine dispenser. Still, the name’s pretty funny.

55. Hope you’d enjoy this snow shoveler.

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Okay, that’s not used for shoveling snow on your driveway. That’s for shoveling cocaine.

56. Sno-blow always adds life.

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Yes, more cocaine stuff. This is supposed to be a nose doucher you put in cocaine and up your nose. Yes, it’s disgusting.

57. Want to play this magic flute?

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This is another cocaine object. Though it seems more or less like a whistle than anything. You can even have it on your keys.

58. Everything is always at its best in cellophane.

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But putting your son in plastic wrap is not a good idea. Seriously, he could suffocate. Also, he doesn’t seem too happy about it either.

59. The love rug is always great when the time is right.

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Available in jaguar, lynx, and mink. Yet, you’re unlikely to have sex on it with a guy who looks like David Hasselhoff.

60. Now you can get a poster of your own likeness.

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And you thought taking a selfie is an expression of egotism. I think people who do this are incredibly self-absorbed like Donald Trump.

61. Rock in the newest hairstyle with the stretch wig.

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Okay, that looks so stupid and fake. Seriously, I could tell it’s obviously a wig. Also, is that guy naked?

62. With Cannon Towels, your bathroom is a room with a view to tomorrow.

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Yet, I wonder why the hell is a woman with a bare ass and back doing here. Oh, I get how sex sells. And she’s in the bathroom. Fair enough.

63. With this universal food chopper, you can cut anything.

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Hell, you can even chop animals to smithereens. Though what’s more disturbing than the pigs in a grinder is that some of the fruits and veggies apparently have legs.

64. “Have you ever had a bad time in Levi’s?”

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This is a 1971 ad for Levi’s for Gals. And here they show an angry woman in striped pants and a bad spray tan.

65. “He asked Mother for a dowry!”

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So I guess wear ever aluminum utensils was the result seeing the ad. Still, the dowry thing is so Middle Ages and might be an indication that he’s a gold digger.

66. With Varig Air, you’ll find out what he actually does in Rio.

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Basically when the headline is “I found out what he does on those ‘business’ trips to Rio,” it’s not usually a good thing. Of course, the description doesn’t have the guy doing anything shady. Yet, you kind of expect he may have something on the side.

67.  “If you guys don’t buy these new Drummond sweaters, we’ll go back to male models.”

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The company’s basically admitting they have a naked women in their ad because they think sex sells. Still, those sweaters are ugly and not worth the gimmick. So guys, please don’t buy these.

68. “Are your panties up to date?”

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Why should I care if my panties are up to date? Nobody’s going to see them anyway. Seriously, why?

69. Get a Volkswagen because you know your wife will drive your car someday.

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Okay, that’s really sexist since it implies that women are bad drivers. So it’s best you get a cheap economy car like a Volkswagen, according to their logic.

70. Got a Housewife Headache? Take some Anacin.

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Or if you’re suffering from boredom and emotional fatigue, perhaps you might want to find something to do. Or watch Netflix. Or read a book.

 

Scary and Eerily Adorable DIY Halloween Costume Inspirations (Fourth Edition)

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Here I am dressed as a magician for a Halloween party. Got most of the stuff from a resale store. Hat includes a bunny, scarves, and wand.

While you may have an assortment of costumes at any Halloween or holiday store, a lot of them don’t seem to offer viable choices. Many may have sexy costumes for women which may not be suitable for a wholesome audience. And there are even sexy costumes for things that shouldn’t be. Yet, for added creativity, many would prefer to make their own. After all, you’ll see plenty of inspirations from craft stores and resale shops when I’ve looked for some ideas on Pinterest to show to you. Some may consist of scary monsters you’re used to seeing on Halloween. Some may be of pop culture characters or mundane things. While some might be made around an original concept entirely. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of unique DIY costumes for Halloween inspiration.

  1. Uh, I think you should look in a back mirror.
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Her dog is situated in her butt cheeks. Wonder how she’ll exclaim that.

2. “Come and play with us, Danny.”

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They’re supposed to be the Grady twins from The Shining. Don’t want to run into them in a hallway.

3. Someone must’ve made a mess in the kitchen.

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This boy is clad in a picnic table cloth draped on him. And he’s got a pot on his head while holding a dish of spaghetti and meatballs.

4. Don’t you dare cross this tiki warrior.

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However, remember that tiki figures are Polynesian gods. But you often see them at tiki restaurants.

5. Would you like a little ear of corn?

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Well, this doesn’t seem hard to make. Just a thick vest and egg carton. So cute.

6. Paul Bunyan always sticks by his blue ox Babe.

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Makes a great couples costume idea. He gets to dress like a giant lumberjack. She gets to wear a blue outfit with horns.

7. Don’t you just love these graceful jellyfish?

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They attached jellyfish tentacles to their transparent umbrellas. But remember you don’t want to be stung by them.

8. Behold, the ever chilling ice queen.

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If Queen Elsa was in a horror movie, she’d look like this. Chilling, isn’t she?

9. You wouldn’t want this wolf to blow your house down.

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They’re supposed to be the 3 little pigs and the Big Bad Wolf. Perfect for families.

10. If you can’t afford to be Batman, be Low Budget Man.

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And his low budget shows with a trash bag cape and masking tape. Yet, don’t expect him to be badass like Batman since he can’t afford those expensive gadgets.

11. Apparently, aliens have come to earth.

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Okay, he only seems like he’s being abducted by aliens. Yet, it’s just a Halloween costume.

12. These children are all prepared to leave the shire.

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Seems like someone really likes Tolkein. Includes Gandalf, Bilbo, Legolas, and Gimli.

13. Lisa Frank always inspires rainbow fun.

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If you were a girl in the 1990s, you had to have some Lisa Frank stuff. And yes, you can use plenty of rainbow combinations.

14. You’ll always bring the funky music with a disco ball.

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Wonder how you can put so many mirrors on this one. Like the matching hair though.

15. Halloween is always a time of good, clean fun.

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Consists of a guy in a robe, woman in bath tub, and baby loofah. Also, the dog is a rubber duckie.

16. All bow down to the Pumpkin king and queen.

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Each one has a jack-o’-lantern head and crown. I’m sure you can get all the stuff at any Halloween store.

17. A house always needs a garden.

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She has a house on her head and flowers in a watering can. Hope you can smell the flowers.

18. On Halloween, it’s countdown to blast off.

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The kid’s dressed up as a USA rocket ship. So it’s one small step for trick or treating.

19. Just need to make a few stops.

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This kid is a garbage man. While his wagon is a garbage truck.

20. Care for a sweet, frozen treat?

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Ice cream costume mostly consist of 2 large pieces of cardboard. While the pom poms are sprinkles.

21. She’s bursting with tentacles.

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Since she’s supposed to be an octopus. Even has tentacles on her arms and legs.

22. It’s not Halloween without a scary story from this man.

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He’s dressed as Edgar Allan Poe. Even has his own raven.

23. Want a bit of sauce on your little taco?

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The mom is dressed as a sauce while the baby is a taco. Not sure if the baby is liking it right now.

24. Nobody could resist some sugary cotton candy.

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Well, she seems so sweet. Guess someone put a bag on her with pink cotton balls.

25. Now this is a real family circus.

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This is a family dressed up as circus performers. And please, don’t feed the little lion in the wagon.

26. This space family is out of this world.

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Dad is the solar system while the mom is the rocket. And the baby is a little astronaut.

27. Watch out for the grammar police!

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She’ll put you in for a long sentence including 10 years of punctuation with plenty of verb conjugating visits. So know your nouns, adjectives, verbs, adverbs, participles, conjunctions, and interjections.

28. You wouldn’t want to be underwater in a shark tank.

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Don’t worry, he’s fine since it’s his Halloween costume. Though it would’ve been great for Shark Week.

29. These three are just a group of tourists.

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They could just also be people at a Jimmy Buffet concert. Yet, you’re guessing they’ll probably be in Hawaii or the Caribbean.

30. There’s nothing special about these 2. They’re just a couple of guys from Scranton.

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Indeed, they’re Dwight and Jim from The Office. Though identity theft isn’t a joke.

31. Anyone would love this little pineapple.

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She wears a yellow dress with a pineapple top on it. Not to mention, she wears sunglasses since pineapples grow in warm climates.

32. “I’m afraid of no ghost.”

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This guy’s dressed as the Ghostbusters logo. Wonder how he got the plush “No” sign.

33. You won’t be scared of this little spider.

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This is a spider and web costume. Web mostly consists of a skirt. While spider costume includes legs.

34. You’ll be ready for school with these 3.

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Mom’s a pencil. Dad’s note paper. While the baby is an eraser. So cute.

35. You’ll crave for these animal crackers.

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These are the ones with icing and sprinkles. Come in pink and white.

36. Nothing cools you off like this little snow cone.

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Well, the baby is in a little triangular bundle. And wears a tiny rainbow wig. So cute.

37. Guess we’ll have to send him to the morgue.

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He’s all zipped up in a body bag. Can’t really determine the cause of death at this time.

38. There are some people who’d adore a unicorn.

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She has purple hair and a pink tail to match. Hope she gets points at the costume contest.

39. She needs some milk with her Froot Loops.

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She’s basically a bowl of cereal. Yet, still carries the spoon in Twister.

40. This little Energizer Bunny keeps going and going….

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Just slap a drum to a pink bunny costume and you’ve got it made. Still, this little one is so cute.

41. This boy better not get stuck without a paddle.

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For he’s supposed to be a little boat. Though he’s wearing swim goggles.

42. “It’s rainin’ men!”

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You can just put pictures of screen hotties from an umbrella. And you’re good to go.

43. “I’m just a bill, yes, I’m only a bill. And I’m sittin’ here on Capitol Hill.”

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He’s the famous Schoolhouse Rock character who teaches you about the American legislative process. Also figures prominently in a lot of political satire.

44. She’s ready for takeoff.

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Here’s a little aviator on her pink plane. She can’t fly it, but she’s adorable nonetheless.

45. You’d think this boy is fresh out of the oven.

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Since he’s a pizza. And it’s topped with pepperoni, mushrooms, onions, olives, peppers, and basil leaves.

46. Make Halloween costumes worthy to phone home about.

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They’re supposed to be the kids from E. T. While the boy has the alien in front of him.

47. Real men eat spinach.

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They’re Popeye and Olive Oyl. And he’s got 2 anchors on his arm.

48. This seahorse is out of his water.

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His costume seems quite elaborate. Wonder how much time and effort he put into that.

49. Look out! There’s a tornado full of sharks!

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This boy’s a sharknado. From a franchise known for being so terrible it’s funny.

50. Children always look forward to a visit from the tooth fairy.

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The tooth guy even has a crown. While the tooth fairy has her wings and tutu.

51. These 2 pilots always make it through the day.

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These babies sit in a little fighter plane wagon. Love their sunglasses. So cute.

52. Hope you’re willing to play with these pieces on the board.

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They’re chess pieces. One kid is a black king. The other is a white rook.

53. Would you want to be served by this German barmaid?

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She’s not exactly a St. Paul girl. But she’ll do fine for Ocktoberfest.

54. Seems like these foxes are quite fierce.

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They’re straight from Fantastic Mr. Fox. Since they’re wearing the clothes from the Wes Anderson movie.

55. You’ll find a cat under these wraps.

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This cat mummy costume seems easy enough. Ironically enough, they found a lot of real cat mummies in ancient Egyptian tombs.

56. This guy has decided to take the Ice Bucket Challenge.

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Since people did it to raise money for ALS for some reason. Yeah, I don’t see the point.

57. Ever heard of Pink Freud?

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He’s basically the famed psychoanalyst Dr. Sigmund Freud wearing a hot pink suit. Yet, it’s mainly a play on Pink Floyd.

58. A future family always stays together in the galaxy.

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This one has the parents dress in silver. While the kids wear space suits and hold ray guns.

59. You’d think he had the “wurst” costume ever.

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He’s in lederhosen. Not sure if Germans even wear that except during Ocktoberfest.

60. So you think your baby is an Einstein?

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This seems quite easy. Just use cotton for the wig and mustache. While the shirt can say E=Mc squared.

61. On an epic adventure, Captain Steve Zissou goes in search of the ferocious Jaguar Shark.

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Just requires a red beanie and blue polo shirt. From The Life Aquatic.

62. She’s got her arms full of groceries.

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She’s basically a crate from the local grocery store. And she’s even got a receipt.

63. You’d almost think she was full of hot air.

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Yet, she’s got a lot of balloons above her since she’s a hot air balloon. So adorable.

64. Country singer Willie Nelson has gone on the road again.

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Actually, that’s woman dressed up as Willie Nelson. But she definitely nailed it.

65. Apparently, this boy is at the spin cycle.

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He’s a Whirlpool washing machine. Wait, I have a laundry basket just like that one.

66. With 4 kids, they can be a barbershop quartet.

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These kids are all dressed in striped vest, straw hats, and mustaches. So does this mean the baby is the baritone?

67. Oh, no, these kids have been kidnapped by aliens!

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Don’t worry, they’re just Halloween costumes. The aliens are plush. Still, kind of hilarious.

68. When will she get out of the shower?

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Actually, the shower is her costume. Even has a rubber duckie shower curtain.

69. “ABC it’s easy as 123. So simple as Do-Re-Mi.”

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They’re dressed up as the Jackson 5. Unfortunately, the youngest boy Michael will end up incredibly successful but very messed up.

70. “For my next trick, I’ll saw a woman in half.”

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Seems like she’s not at all thrilled with that. Yet, it’s just a magic trick.

71. Carrie White is the ultimate prom queen.

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Okay, she got pig’s blood dumped on her before she went all out on everyone. Still, this is spot on.

72. Want some milk with your cookie?

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The mom is milk while the baby is the cookie. So adorable and sweet.

73. This kid is about the bulldoze the neighborhood.

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Well, the kid is in a wheelchair. But his chair is equipped for construction.

74. A lawn flamingo always goes well with a little cactus.

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The flamingo costume seems kind of easy enough. Yet, the little cactus is so adorable.

75. Perhaps you can use a knight in shining armor.

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Sure the suit is made out of cardboard. While his sword and shield is made of wood.

76. He just stands there like a houseplant.

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Since he’s in his houseplant costume. So don’t forget to water him.

77. These women are all covered in tape.

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Well, they’re all dressed in caution tape. So they’re reserved for a crime scene investigation.

78. Who could ever resist this little rag doll?

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She’s supposed to be Raggedy Ann. And yes, her red wig is made out of yarn. So cute.

79. So do I get to walk or not?

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They’re Halloween costumes. One can walk while the other has to stop.

80. Want to order some takeout?

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I’m not sure if going as the takeout box is cultural appropriation. But I think it’s quite clever.

81. “Oppa Gangnam Style!”

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She’s Psi from that South Korean music video that went viral. And she wears the suit to match.

82. Someone’s popped up with butter.

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This is a toaster. Well, the wagon is a toaster. While the kid is toast.

83. A STEM professional can’t do math without her.

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Since she’s dressed as a graphing calculator. A must have for scientists and engineers.

84. Bow down to the young royals.

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I think they’re supposed to be Will and Kate at the royal wedding. And yes, I’m aware the hair color doesn’t match.

85. These little girls are straight from the 1950s.

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Since they’re wearing poodle skirts. Love their matching glasses. So adorable.

86. “Smokey, this is not ‘Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.”

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Yes, he’s Walter from The Big Lebowski. And he’s got Donny in that Folgers coffee can. He also takes bowling very seriously.

87. Hey, Trump, a Mexican wants his ball back!

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Well, that’s a great rendition of Trump’s stupid border wall. Let’s just hope it’s stays a Halloween costume.

88. Would you want a bite from this Subway sandwich?

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Yes, this is a baby dressed as a Subway sandwich. Even has a hat with lettuce and tomato slices.

89. Hope you don’t touch this prickly porcupine.

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This is a baby dressed as a porcupine. Don’t worry, the quills are made out of construction paper.

90. Rain or shine, you’ll have a fun time.

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Dad is rain. Mom is sun. While the kid is a cloud in a rainbow wagon.

91. These 4 are ready for any project.

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They’re dressed as construction workers. Just need a hard hat and bright orange vests.

92. Even a baby dragon can spout a breath of fire.

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The fire is attached at the baby’s binkie. So adorable.

93. Always beware the bone collector.

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Well, she’s dressed as a witch. Yet, she carries an animal skeleton with her.

94. Nobody can resist a baby Prince.

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Everywhere he goes, it’s “Purple Rain.” He’s even got the mustache down.

95. These babies have come straight from the cabbage patch.

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They’re wearing crocheted wigs with yarn hair. Yet, they’re quite adorable nonetheless.

96. You’ll be mad not to ignore these party animals.

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These seem like rather simple costumes. Just get a nice outfit with animal ears or antlers along with a party hat.

97. She shines like a shooting star.

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She has ribbons attached to her sleeves. While she wears a star hat.

98. Got Twinkies?

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These are twins in a pack. And yes, they’re cuter than the ones from Hostess.

99. She’ll always direct the flow of traffic.

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After all, she’s dressed as a little traffic light. So will she let us stop or go?

100.  “We are the 3 Amigos and Amigos we always will be.”

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Yes, these boys are dressed like the 3 Amigos. Even the baby. And yes, their outfits are so well done.

The Haunted World of Halloween Village Houses (Third Edition)

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Though village houses are more of Christmas tradition, you’ll find plenty of village houses with a Halloween touch since it’s such a popular holiday. However, unlike its tinsel and cotton snow counterparts, Halloween village houses are usually made to be haunted with ghosts, spiders, jack-o’-lanterns, witches, skeletons, zombies, and more. And plenty of companies are willing to oblige since catering to multiple holidays means more profits. Besides, some people love Halloween so much that they may have their own miniature haunted village in their house. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of spooky Halloween village houses. Enjoy if you dare.

  1. Found a few crows sitting on the roof.
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The roof seems quite fancy. Yet, you’d think it’s a Christmas house if it weren’t for the black birds and widow’s walk spikes.

2. A house of horrors can always use bright colors.

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This one is made from paper. Has a jack-o’-lantern on the chimney. Like the bats in the window.

3. Perhaps this house may be worth a scream.

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You see “Boo” on the front. While “Scream” is on the top. Enter if you dare.

4. You might not want to go near this abandoned shack.

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Yet, it seems to be a perfect haven for ghosts. Still, abandoned houses normally aren’t safe places anyway. Whether or nor they’re haunted.

5. This small house is a haven for giant spiders.

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There’s one on the roof. While you’ll find another some distance from the front door. I’m sure some will be freaked out by this.

6. Perhaps you might find a home with stripes.

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Well, this one is in black and white stripes. Wonder if Beetlejuice lives here.

7. Would you trick or treat at this house?

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This house is mostly black with dots near the front door. Still, the large spider on the roof is menacing.

8. A Halloween village should always revolve around a cauldron.

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This one even includes candles. Hope you can last a night in this place.

9. Sometimes a simple haunted house will do.

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This one has orange edging and a bon bon on the front. Got to like the orange trees though.

10. There’s a no better Halloween house like one with bats on the roof.

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You’ll also find a ghost at the door and tombstones in the front lawn. Love the orange shutters.

11. The Bride of Frankenstein always prefers a nice black house.

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Has a fancy white façade with a bats. While there’s a white pumpkin on the front lawn.

12. A fancy haunted house will surely suit your fancy.

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These were made with fancy paper on the façade. One has an orange roof and windows. The other has black.

13. If you love Tim Burton, then you’ll go crazy over this house.

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You’ll see characters from both Corpse Bride and The Nightmare Before Christmas. The latter which Tim Burton didn’t have much to do with.

14. Care to come in this small stone house?

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This one has a bare tree in the front lawn and a pumpkin on the porch. If it wasn’t in miniature, you’d almost mistake it for the real thing.

15. There’s nothing more haunted than a house of lavender.

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Even includes flowers and skulls. Got to love the black trees and cat.

16. You’d almost think this house has a life of its own.

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This one has a window etched in the façade. Topped with a raven.

17. Hope you don’t stop by this haunted house of horrors.

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This one uses a bluish wood on the outside. Has a black and silver roof.

18. I believe you’ll find this house covered in vines.

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Guess this one is consumed by a rather ravenous plant. Also seems like a good home for crows.

19. A wooden house always possesses as certain elegance.

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And I see a ghost coming out of a chimney. Look out for the branches.

20. You’ll only find toil and trouble at this house.

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This one has all kinds of fancy paper on the façade. Yet, you’ll see as skull and cross bones on the balcony.

21. Stop by a church covered in cobwebs.

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This is mostly made of paper with windows and spiders. Enter if you dare.

22. Some haunted houses aren’t built in the traditional sense.

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Kind of reminds me of a house from a Dr. Seuss story. Includes candles.

23. A witch’s house doesn’t have to be glamorous.

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This one has a witch and jack-o’-lantern in the window. Don’t mind the pumpkins outside the fence.

24. A black house is an ideal Halloween haunt.

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Includes bats of different colors and patterns. Has “Happy Halloween” in the front.

25. Best you avoid the ghosts of Spook Hill.

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Wonder what this train tower is supposed to do. Because I have no idea of its function.

26. You’ll find this white house quite batty.

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Sure the house mostly has windows. But you have to love the bats and black trees.

27. This small spooky house is worth a scream.