Vintage Saint Patrick’s Day Greetings of the Emerald Isle

the-harp-of-erin

As you probably know by now, people have always been sending greeting cards to each other during certain holidays. And Saint Patrick’s Day was no exception to that, especially in the days before the Internet. We should also note that in the olden days, the 19th century was a very terrible time in Ireland that a series of unfortunate events, most notably the Irish Potato Famine of the 1840s prompted a mass diaspora from there to other parts of the world such as the United States. But they also found new homes in other places like the United Kingdom, Australia, New Zealand, and even Latin America. And it’s because so many Irish immigrants came to these parts of the world that Saint Patrick’s Day is such a widely celebrated holiday. This is particularly the case in the 19th century when so many Irish Americans were either immigrants or related to one where we first see many of these celebrations get started like the Saint Patrick’s Day parades in places like Boston, New York, and Pittsburgh. So it’s not unusual to see Saint Patrick’s Day greeting cards around either. And though I could go all I want about these lovely works of Hallmark art, I understand you’d probably be bored to tears. So instead, I’ll stick to the ones that might make people scratch their heads. We should also note that the 19th century was a time when offensive Irish stereotypes proliferated which have now manifested in modern depictions on leprechauns to much Irish disdain. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of Saint Patrick’s Day cards from the days of old.

  1. “God bless dear/old Ireland our home/And all her Sons/Where’er they roam.”
For some reason this kid has the disposition of a future serial killer. There is now soul within those Irish eyes.

For some reason this kid has the disposition of a future serial killer. There is now soul within those Irish eyes.

2. “See my flag and see my hat./Sure you’re right! My name is Pat.”

Another soulless Irish lad. Seems like he's using his superficial innocence to play you for a fool before stabbing you in the back. Don't be taken in.

Another soulless Irish lad. Seems like he’s using his superficial innocence to play you for a fool before stabbing you in the back. Don’t be taken in.

3. Even Santa Claus has a bit of Irish in him.

How can Saint Nick be Irish, I have no idea. But I don't think dressing up as a leprechaun will endear him to the good Irish boys and girls.

How can Saint Nick be Irish, I have no idea. But I don’t think dressing up as a leprechaun will endear him to the good Irish boys and girls.

4. A Saint Patrick’s Day greeting and wait a minute, that doesn’t look like an Irish flag.

Okay, I had to look this flag up on Google. According to a historical flag site, it's the Saint Patrick's Cross flag used by the Irish National Corporate Party of the 1930s known as the "Greenshirts." And it was an openly fascist organization. So though it's seen as a traditional Irish flag before then, it hasn't been used in Ireland since.

Okay, I had to look this flag up on Google. According to a historical flag site, it’s the Saint Patrick’s Cross flag which was allegedly used by the Irish National Corporate Party of the 1930s known as the “Greenshirts.” And it was an openly fascist organization. So though it’s seen as a traditional Irish flag before then, it hasn’t been used in Ireland since.

5. May luck bestow blessings upon you the way leprechauns shower shamrocks from blimps.

Yes, I know it looks ridiculous. But blimps have appeared on a variety of greeting cards during this period. Not sure why.

Yes, I know it looks ridiculous. But blimps have appeared on a variety of greeting cards during this period. Not sure why.

6. Nothing brings in the spirit of Saint Patrick’s Day like an Irish lass riding a white pipe.

And she's riding it like a horse as if she's in someone's drug induced pipe dream. I'm sure someone was high off some opium binge to come up with this idea.

And she’s riding it like a horse as if she’s in someone’s drug induced pipe dream. I’m sure someone was high off some opium binge to come up with this idea.

7. Happy Saint Patrick’s Day from high up in the shamrock plane.

Not sure if you can really fly that thing or whether it's safe to stand up in it. In any case, if these two survive a crash, consider them lucky.

Not sure if you can really fly that thing or whether it’s safe to stand up in it. In any case, if these two survive a crash, consider them lucky.

8. “Me Irish eyes are smilin.'”

Hate to say this, but Irish Mr. Potato Head looks so damn creepy. Like he's out to get you during a hangover kind of way.

Hate to say this, but Irish Mr. Potato Head looks so damn creepy. Like he’s out to get you during a hangover kind of way.

9. Saint Patrick’s Day greetings from the nightmarish green woman holding a shamrock wreath.

Sorry, but pale green skin makes her seem like a bride of Dracula than an Irish angel. I'm sure she'll haunt many Irish dreams.

Sorry, but pale green skin makes her seem like a bride of Dracula than an Irish angel. I’m sure she’ll haunt many Irish dreams.

10. On Saint Patrick’s Day, it’s customary to get all shamrocked out.

She even has a shamrock dress on. And a yellow hat with shamrocks on it. I'm sure Lady Gaga would wear the same thing.

She even has a shamrock dress on. And a yellow hat with shamrocks on it. I’m sure Lady Gaga would wear the same thing.

11. An Irishman always likes to see his lass in a shamrock dress.

The fact a lot of women's dresses were shaped like that at the time was coincidental. Though this is kind of ridiculous.

The fact a lot of women’s dresses were shaped like that at the time was coincidental. Though this is kind of ridiculous.

12. These Irish kids would like to bestow a Saint Patrick’s Day greeting.

I'm sure little Patty is giving little Molly some clover because she wants to see her tits and look up her skirt. And Molly knows it.

I’m sure little Patty is giving little Molly some clover because she wants to see her tits and look up her skirt. And Molly knows it.

13. Irish couples always know when to get it on during Saint Patrick’s Day.

However, whether the guy practiced consent is another matter. But she doesn't seem to mind because he's hot.

However, whether the guy practiced consent is another matter. But she doesn’t seem to mind because he’s hot.

14. May Saint Patrick’s Day make you a lucky frog on March 17th.

I have no idea what the frog has to do with Saint Patrick's Day. Is it because it's green. Other than that, not much else.

I have no idea what the frog has to do with Saint Patrick’s Day. Is it because it’s green. Other than that, not much else.

15. Erin Go Bragh for this pair of newlyweds.

Who seem to resemble a couple you'd find in a creepy illustration of some Gothic novel. Though they do seem terrifyingly happy together.

Who seem to resemble a couple you’d find in a creepy illustration of some Gothic novel. Though they do seem terrifyingly happy together.

16. This garden gnome wishes you a lucky Saint Patrick’s Day.

You better because this gnome might want to kill your cat sometime. His eyes only show pure evil.

You better because this gnome might want to kill your cat sometime. His eyes only show pure evil.

17. “St. Patrick’s Day and I wish you luck.”

Now I understand the oversized shamrock. But the small pig? Not so much.

Now I understand the oversized shamrock. But the small pig? Not so much.

18. “Nothing slow for the likes of us.”

So this card implies that the Irish are bad drivers? Seems to be the case.

So this card implies that the Irish are bad drivers? Seems to be the case.

19. “Good luck on Saint Patrick’s Day.”

Let's just say disembodied Cabbage Patch doll heads aren't what you'd want to put on a St. Paddy's Day card. Oh wait, those are potatoes.

Let’s just say disembodied Cabbage Patch doll heads aren’t what you’d want to put on a St. Paddy’s Day card. Oh wait, those are potatoes.

20. Saint Patrick’s Day Greetings from the woman with the giant pipe.

And that pipe is making a smoky haze. But I don't think she's bringing luck but lung cancer. Seriously, what's with the large pipe?

And that pipe is making a smoky haze. But I don’t think she’s bringing luck but lung cancer. Seriously, what’s with the large pipe?

21. “Tis the shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day/ That bring back memories dear and gay.”

Though the kid's expression on his face reads something more sinister. And no, I don't think he's musing about Ireland either.

Though the kid’s expression on his face reads something more sinister. And no, I don’t think he’s musing about Ireland either.

22. Some tourists in Ireland would go to great lengths to kiss the Blarney Stone.

But using a rope harness is kind of ridiculous. Seriously, please don't try this. Ever.

But using a rope harness is kind of ridiculous. Seriously, please don’t try this. Ever.

23. It’s always grand to watch the Saint Patrick’s Day parade.

However, this doesn't change the fact the Irish here are depicted in a very disparaging way. And that there's booze depicted along the border.

However, this doesn’t change the fact the Irish here are depicted in a very disparaging way. And that there’s booze depicted along the border.

24. Saint Patrick’s Day is always a time to celebrate.

Now this couple looks rather cartoonish. Guess card designers of the time couldn't resist putting in Irish stereotypes after all.

Now this couple looks rather cartoonish in caricature. Guess card designers of the time couldn’t resist putting in Irish stereotypes after all.

25. “May the corners of yer mouth never turn down.”

Apparently. people in the 19th century thought old Irish ladies resembled witches who'd own candy houses to lure kids they'd cook for dinner. Seriously, this is in very poor taste if you ask me.

Apparently. people in the 19th century thought old Irish ladies resembled witches who’d own candy houses to lure kids they’d cook for dinner. Seriously, this is in very poor taste if you ask me.

26. “Here’s to the Auld Sod,/An’ shamrock so green,/Th’ land ave Saint Patrick,/Th’ Emerald Queen.”

Hmm...a jolly Irish guy dressed like a leprechaun with a glass of booze. Not something I've seen before (sarcasm).

Hmm…a jolly Irish guy dressed like a leprechaun with a glass of booze. Not something I’ve seen before (sarcasm).

27. How about an old Irish jig?

Is that guy dancing with a club in his hand? If so, is it to clobber any guy who wants to dance with his girlfriend? I need answers.

Is that guy dancing with a club in his hand? If so, is it to clobber any guy who wants to dance with his girlfriend? I need answers.

28. “An may ye always feel as gay as I do on Saint Patrick’s Day.”

In other words, "plastered drunk." Yes, the Irish drunk is on a Saint Patrick's Day card. I believe this card was sent to the Irish in people's lives they hated.

In other words, “plastered drunk.” Yes, the Irish drunk is on a Saint Patrick’s Day card. I believe this card was sent to the Irish in people’s lives they hated.

29. “Never a girl so sweet as an Irish girl.”

And in Ireland, you'll find Irish girls come in 3 different varieties such as blond, brunette, and redhead. As this pipe shamrock smokescreen can show.

And in Ireland, you’ll find Irish girls come in 3 different varieties such as blond, brunette, and redhead. As this pipe shamrock smokescreen can show.

30. Saint Patrick’s Day is always a time of Irish love.

Though I'm not sure whether they're supposed to be dancing or making out. Can go either way.

Though I’m not sure whether they’re supposed to be dancing or making out. Can go either way.

31. Even Cupid would like to get in the Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations.

For the love of God, Cupid, Valentine's Day is over. Seriously, what the hell are you doing on a card for St. Patrick's Day. It's not your holiday.

For the love of God, Cupid, Valentine’s Day is over. Seriously, what the hell are you doing on a card for St. Patrick’s Day. It’s not your holiday.

32. Saint Patrick’s Day is a merry time in dear old Ireland.

Yet, this guy happily wields his club when he's walking his pig. No, I don't think Irishmen are like this.

Yet, this guy happily wields his club when he’s walking his pig. No, I don’t think Irishmen are like this.

33. Irish couples always seem to enjoy a bit of blarney.

However, the guy in this card seems to remind me of a creepy old man for some reason. Not sure why.

However, the guy in this card seems to remind me of a creepy old man for some reason. Not sure why.

34. On Saint Patrick’s Day, Uncle Sam loves to make out with his Irish lass.

Yes, I know this is at a purely symbolic angle. However, Uncle Sam is supposed to look like a skinny old guy. So you get the creepy vibes.

Yes, I know this is at a purely symbolic angle. However, Uncle Sam is supposed to look like a skinny old guy. So you get the creepy vibes.

35. Shamrock head would like to wish you a Saint Patrick’s Day greetings.

But instead of bringing you luck, it'll bring you nightmares. Seriously, why?

But instead of bringing you luck, it’ll bring you nightmares. Seriously, why?

36. Speaking of Uncle Sam, here he enjoys an Irish toast.

I know this is supposed to be a gesture of Irish and American friendship. But the Irish guy is represented by an oversized leprechaun.

I know this is supposed to be a gesture of Irish and American friendship. But the Irish guy is represented by an oversized leprechaun.

37. There’s nothing on Saint Patrick’s Day like a peaceful rowboat ride.

Yet, we find this Irishman in a boat with 2 women which is about to capsize. Wonder what it says about him.

Yet, we find this Irishman in a boat with 2 women which is about to capsize. Wonder what it says about him.

38. Best wishes on Saint Patrick’s Day from the clover kids.

So I bet this card was made possible by acid trips. Not sure how else I can explain it.

So I bet this card was made possible by acid trips. Not sure how else I can explain it.

39. “I’m thinking of Old Erin tonight/Of the dear little cot by the sea/for the shamrock on St. Patrick’s Day/Still bringing back memories to me.”

However, I'm sure the woman is like, "Sorry, but I'm not interested so get your stupid hand off me." Yeah, I don't think she's happy.

However, I’m sure the woman is like, “Sorry, but I’m not interested so get your stupid hand off me.” Yeah, I don’t think she’s happy.

40. Here’s looking at you on Saint Patrick’s Day.

Because nothing says Saint Patrick's Day like a pair of eyes staring at you through a shamrock. Now that's very unsettling.

Because nothing says Saint Patrick’s Day like a pair of eyes staring at you through a shamrock. Now that’s very unsettling.

41. “Here’s to the toast in th’ rosy cup/To Swatehearts far across the sea/Wid wine ave hope/We fill it up/An’ drink to days that yet may be.”

Another depiction of an Irishman drinking. I know it's an offensive stereotype that never seems to die.

Another depiction of an Irishman drinking. I know it’s an offensive stereotype that never seems to die.

42. How about a toast to Ireland on Saint Patrick’s Day?

Yes, it looks like a toast. But we all know what'll happen afterwards.

Yes, it looks like a toast. But we all know what’ll happen afterwards.

43. “Let our hearts be young at the dawning/of Saint Patrick’s Day in the morning.”

The guy in this card isn't drawn very well. Yes, he's supposed to look happy. But his expression is more terrifying. And holding the club doesn't help.

The guy in this card isn’t drawn very well. Yes, he’s supposed to look happy. But his expression is more terrifying. And holding the club doesn’t help.

44. Nothing makes one feel lucky on Saint Patrick’s Day like pilfering a pig.

For some reason, pigs were seen as symbols of luck back in the day. Not sure why.

For some reason, pigs were seen as symbols of luck back in the day. Not sure why.

45. “The sweet little green little shamrock of Ireland.”

Don't look now but I think the man might have eyes on the girl with ill intent. The girl should run away while she still can.

Don’t look now but I think the man might have eyes on the girl with ill intent. The girl should run away while she still can.

46. Saint Patrick’s Day is always marked by the wearing of the green.

And in here even the bird of prey is green. Nevertheless, the woman has a rather oversized head for some reason.

And in here even the bird of prey is green. Nevertheless, the woman has a rather oversized head for some reason.

47. “Saint Patrick was a gentleman.”

For the love of God, this kid looks like a pure monster in a little suit. Avoid him like the plague.

For the love of God, this kid looks like a pure monster in a little suit. Avoid him like the plague.

48. On Saint Patrick’s Day, the whole world looks upon Ireland.

Don't tell me that's a crazed Santa Claus dressed in leprechaun garb. Might need to calm down a bit.

Don’t tell me that’s a crazed Santa Claus dressed in leprechaun garb. Might need to calm down a bit.

49. There’s room for everyone on the Shamrock blimp.

Though why anyone would disregard any notion of safety is a good question. Hope they're lucky to have parachutes.

Though why anyone would disregard any notion of safety is a good question. Hope they’re lucky to have parachutes.

50. You never know what you’d find on Saint Patrick’s Day.

I'm sure that guy is interested in watching the girl beside him peeling potatoes. Then again, he probably has his eyes stuck somewhere else.

I’m sure that guy is interested in watching the girl beside him peeling potatoes. Then again, he probably has his eyes stuck somewhere else.

Advertisements

Top of the Morning with These Lucky Saint Patrick’s Day Craft Projects (Second Edition)

17b920e875b16fb98ba55e2b5c4dbd45

Now it’s on to some lucky craft projects. When it comes to looking for holiday crafts for a blog post, I often find myself running into stuff geared toward children. And Saint Patrick’s Day was no exception. Of course, I understand these are designed for parents and teachers looking for child appropriate activities for the holiday. But for a blogger like me, running into them can be a major pain in the ass since I usually focus on craft projects made by adults like what you see above. Nevertheless, it’s always something I have to deal with when coming up with such posts. Anyway, I don’t usually go all out for Saint Patrick’s Day, but I’m sure there are plenty people who do. And last year, I did a Saint Patrick’s Day craft post that received a nice reception as far as I’m concerned. I mean it got 7 likes from WordPress bloggers. So this time, I decided to do another since I had many craft pictures left over. So for your reading pleasure, I give you some more Saint Patrick’s Day craft projects for good luck.

  1. Felt 4-leaf clovers always make great centerpieces.
Each of them is in a different shade of green. And they're all supported by a pole on a green block.

Each of them is in a different shade of green. And they’re all supported by a pole on a green block.

2. Grace your lucky front door this Saint Patrick’s Day with this green ribbon wreath.

Includes ribbons of different patterns as well as shamrocks. Lovely to put on any front door or on a wall.

Includes ribbons of different patterns as well as shamrocks. Lovely to put on any front door or on a wall.

3. Of course, one large 4-leaf clover can make Irish eyes smile.

If you like wreaths and don't care for the fancy stuff, this is for you. Just consists of a burlap wreath, a shamrock ribbon, and a wooden 4-leaf clover.

If you like wreaths and don’t care for the fancy stuff, this is for you. Just consists of a burlap wreath, a shamrock ribbon, and a wooden 4-leaf clover.

4. No Saint Patrick’s Day decoration makes you feel more lucky than a wooden long bearded leprechaun.

Sure he may not lead you to a pot of gold. But you have to admire his long red beard and hat.

Sure he may not lead you to a pot of gold. But you have to admire his long red beard and hat.

5. Bring the luck of the Irish to your home by hanging this shiny golden horseshoe.

Of course, you wouldn't want the luck of the Irish if you lived in the 19th century. When many Irish immigrants fled their home country due to poverty, civil unrest, and a deadly potato famine.

Of course, you wouldn’t want the luck of the Irish if you lived in the 19th century. When many Irish immigrants fled their home country due to poverty, civil unrest, British oppression of Irish Catholics, and a deadly potato famine.

6. A lucky grapevine wreath should always include shamrocks.

Well, you can't have enough shamrocks, can you. Love the green ribbon on this.

Well, you can’t have enough shamrocks, can you. Love the green ribbon on this.

7. This pallet leprechaun will bring a smile to your face.

After all, he's smiling. Because he'll never lead you to his pot of gold which may not exist.

After all, he’s smiling. Because he’ll never lead you to his pot of gold which may not exist.

8. Green flowers always make a Saint Patrick’s Day wreath worthwhile.

Not sure what to think about green flowers. Sure they exist, but they don't seem natural to me. Maybe I'm more used to seeing green foliage. I don't know.

Not sure what to think about green flowers. Sure they exist, but they don’t seem natural to me. Maybe I’m more used to seeing green foliage. I don’t know.

9. A green yarn wreath has shamrocks all around.

The shamrocks are made of felt and are tied down with yarn. At any rate, consider yourself lucky to have a decoration like this. Supposing you do.

The shamrocks are made of felt and are tied down with yarn. At any rate, consider yourself lucky to have a decoration like this. Supposing you do.

10. No girl on Saint Patrick’s Day should go without bows like these.

Consists of green bows with sequin gold shamrocks and rainbows. What more can an Irish girl want?

Consists of green bows with sequin gold shamrocks and rainbows. What more can an Irish girl want?

11. If you wish to make Saint Patrick’s Day a festive occasion, this wreath is for you.

Has a large green bow, green leprechaun hats, and a large green shamrock. Great for parties, though it might get destroyed in the process if there's a lot of alcohol.

Has a large green bow, green leprechaun hats, and a large green shamrock. Great for parties, though it might get destroyed in the process if there’s a lot of alcohol.

12. Keep your candy safe with this leprechaun candy dispenser.

Sure they usually store gumballs. But this one holds almond Hershey's kisses. Nice how it comes in a gold wrapper.

Sure they usually store gumballs. But this one holds almond Hershey’s kisses. Nice how it comes in a gold wrapper.

13. Have old wine bottles? A green one makes a great Saint Patrick’s Day bottle lamp.

I'm sure a green wine bottle isn't hard to find among your recyclables. Though I love the shamrock touch.

I’m sure a green wine bottle isn’t hard to find among your recyclables. Though I love the shamrock touch.

14. With a sign like this, everyone can see how lucky you are.

Nice how the letters are in plaid and covered with shamrocks. So stunning.

Nice how the letters are in plaid and covered with shamrocks. So stunning.

15. Keep your things in good order with this shamrock rainbow basket.

The outside is covered with string as you can see. Sure it's a kid's project but it's adorable.

The outside is covered with string as you can see. Sure it’s a kid’s project but it’s adorable.

16. A Saint Patrick’s Day wreath should always contain green flowers.

Okay, like I said, green flowers are strange. But since we're talking about Saint Patrick's Day, this is appropriate. Besides, the flowers are fake anyway.

Okay, like I said, green flowers are strange. But since we’re talking about Saint Patrick’s Day, this is appropriate. Besides, the flowers are fake anyway.

17. A block display of “Luck” should always contain a golden horseshoe.

Well, certainly seems rustic to me. Not sure about the paint job on the other letters though.

Well, certainly seems rustic to me. Not sure about the paint job on the other letters though.

18. A St. Patrick’s Day decomesh wreath should have different colored shamrocks.

Well, there's at least one gold one. But the wreath is also decked in some green ribbons, too.

Well, there’s at least one gold one. But the wreath is also decked in some green ribbons, too.

19. A leprechaun flower pot is great for a bouquet.

Okay, this one is rather tall. And the flowers are most definitely fake. But at any rate, makes a great centerpiece.

Okay, this one is rather tall. And the flowers are most definitely fake. But at any rate, makes a great centerpiece.

20. A shamrock made of panels is as good as any other.

Though you might want to be sure to paint it green. And to put a ribbon with small shamrocks on it for extra luck.

Though you might want to be sure to paint it green. And to put a ribbon with small shamrocks on it for extra luck.

21. A grapevine St. Patrick’s Day wreath can always add some festive flair.

Another one with fake green flowers along with green ribbons. Wouldn't mind having this on my front door.

Another one with fake green flowers along with green ribbons. Wouldn’t mind having this on my front door.

22. A Saint Patrick’s Day wreath of decomesh will wow your visitors.

This one has a large shamrock and an Irish Blessing attached. Also, has other green decorations.

This one has a large shamrock and an Irish Blessing attached. Also, has other green decorations.

23. Nothing says Saint Patrick’s Day like a green wreath.

Well, not sure what it's made from exactly. Probably burlap. But the shamrock ribbon adds a nice touch.

Well, not sure what it’s made from exactly. Probably burlap. But the shamrock ribbon adds a nice touch.

24. As spring is around the corner, a St. Patrick’s wreath of tulips seems appropriate.

Includes a glittery green pipe and a leprechaun hat. But at least the small tulips are white, not green.

Includes a glittery green pipe and a leprechaun hat. But at least the small tulips are white, not green.

25. Nothing makes Irish eyes smile like a glittering rainbow.

Well, it's made from wood and may not always be used for Saint Patrick's Day. But don't bet you'll find a pot of gold here.

Well, it’s made from wood and may not always be used for Saint Patrick’s Day. But don’t bet you’ll find a pot of gold here.

26. Is that a little leprechaun here for a visit?

You can't see his face. But his clothes are made from felt. So adorable.

You can’t see his face. But his clothes are made from felt. So adorable.

27. A leprechaun hat always makes a wonderful display of Irish pride.

Though not in Ireland since they don't care for leprechauns there. However, this felt hat is quite fancy and whimsical.

Though not in Ireland since they don’t care for leprechauns there. However, this felt hat is quite fancy and whimsical.

28. Putting a leprechaun on your Saint Patrick’s Day wreath brings good luck.

Of course, you don't see all of the leprechaun. But this is a rather charming wreath nonetheless.

Of course, you don’t see all of the leprechaun. But this is a rather charming wreath nonetheless.

29. Even a snowman can wish anyone a happy St. Patrick’s Day.

However, unless it's the polar regions, a snowman on St. Patrick's Day isn't long for this world. Since the coming spring ensures his demise if global warming hadn't already.

However, unless it’s the polar regions, a snowman on St. Patrick’s Day isn’t long for this world. Since the coming spring ensures his demise if global warming hadn’t already.

30. A wreath of green flowers and shamrocks brings a quaintness in the air.

Again, not used to the green flowers. But I do like the shamrocks and ribbons.

Again, not used to the green flowers. But I do like the shamrocks and ribbons.

31. Have your little lass keep warm this Saint Patrick’s Day with a crocheted hat.

Then again, I'm not sure if these are made for kids or not. Though you have to love the shamrock decor.

Then again, I’m not sure if these are made for kids or not. Though you have to love the shamrock decor.

32. For a flashy St. Paddy’s Day, this green tulle wreath is for you.

I swear I've seen that green on PennDOT workers at some point in my life. But I don't think the shiny shamrocks help matters either.

I swear I’ve seen that green on PennDOT workers at some point in my life. But I don’t think the shiny shamrocks help matters either.

33. Nothing shows Irish pride on St. Patrick’s Day like a yarn wreath of Kelly green.

Yes, this is another yarn wreath with shamrocks. But this one has fewer and is in a different green shade.

Yes, this is another yarn wreath with shamrocks. But this one has fewer and is in a different green shade.

34. A green Saint Patrick’s Day bow should always give you the best of luck.

Has a ribbon that says "Saint Patrick's Day" on it. Like the shamrock in the middle.

Has a ribbon that says “Saint Patrick’s Day” on it. Like the shamrock in the middle.

35. A large shamrock always belongs on a green wreath.

Yes, this is another decomesh wreath. But the shamrock is quite ornate that I just had to put it on this post.

Yes, this is another decomesh wreath. But the shamrock is quite ornate that I just had to put it on this post.

36. Curl up this Saint Patrick’s Day with this crocheted blanket of shamrocks.

Sure it's not the whole ting. But at least the shamrocks have 4 leaves on them.

Sure it’s not the whole ting. But at least the shamrocks have 4 leaves on them.

37. On a St. Patrick’s Day yarn wreath gold should always be found at the rainbow.

Though these remind me more of gold flowers than gold coins. Nevertheless, this wreath is quite charming.

Though these remind me more of gold flowers than gold coins. Nevertheless, this wreath is quite charming.

38. A white yarn St. Patrick’s Day wreath should have green flowers and ribbons.

My Saint Patrick's Day craft post contained a wreath similar to this. However, it didn't have some of the decorations though.

My Saint Patrick’s Day craft post contained a wreath similar to this. However, it didn’t have some of the decorations though.

39. A simple shamrock hanging should always have a golden ribbon.

Sure it depicts a 3 leaf clover with 3 leaves of hearts. But it brings a rather quaint touch.

Sure it depicts a 3 leaf clover with 3 leaves of hearts. But it brings a rather quaint touch for any home.

40. A Saint Patrick’s Day wreath should bring you a fortune in gold.

Or in gold coins made from plastic used to decorate this wreath. But it's quite creative and appropriate.

Or in gold coins made from plastic used to decorate this wreath. But it’s quite creative and appropriate.

41. A mossy leprechaun hat on a door is an inviting sight.

I'm sure the moss is fake but it's green and looks real. Like the golden shamrock though.

I’m sure the moss is fake but it’s green and looks real. Like the golden shamrock though.

42. With empty green bottles, shamrock bottle tops will go quite nicely.

Not sure how to make the shamrock tops. But whoever did certainly has some interesting green bottles.

Not sure how to make the shamrock tops. But whoever did certainly has some interesting green bottles.

43. Seems like someone must’ve spilled some gold coins.

Okay, this is only a mere decoration and the coins aren't real. But it's certainly fitting for St. Paddy's Day.

Okay, this is only a mere decoration and the coins aren’t real. But it’s certainly fitting for St. Paddy’s Day.

44. A Saint Patrick’s Day plate and glasses leaves Irish eyes a shining.

Of course, these are only used for display, not eating. But I'm sure who created these is a repressed art major.

Of course, these are only used for display, not eating. But I’m sure who created these is a repressed art major.

45. Seems like we’ve found the leprechaun’s gold in this little flower pot.

Oh, wait. Those are spray painted rocks which aren't worth anything. Yes, these leprechauns can be quite sneaky in their tricks.

Oh, wait. Those are spray painted rocks which aren’t worth anything. Yes, these leprechauns can be quite sneaky in their tricks.

46. This Saint Patrick’s Day, may the beads be always at your back.

You can put this wreath up during Mardi Gras if you want. Since it's on the 28th. Though it might look a bit strange.

You can put this wreath up during Mardi Gras if you want. Since it’s on the 28th. Though it might look a bit strange.

47. An owl on a Saint Patrick’s Day wreath is a great hoot.

This one even has green bows on its ears. But it doesn't look too happy. Adorable.

This one even has green bows on its ears. But it doesn’t look too happy. Adorable.

48. There’s nothing luckier to have than this Saint Patrick’s Day star.

Yes, it has some shamrocks and green. But it's not the rustic decor meant for the barn.

Yes, it has some shamrocks and green. But it’s not the rustic decor meant for the barn.

49. A 4-leaf moss shamrock is always a sight of great fortune.

Well, if I had to put a moss leprechaun hat, then I had to add a moss shamrock. Not sure if I like this one as much though.

Well, if I had to put a moss leprechaun hat, then I had to add a moss shamrock. Not sure if I like this one as much though.

50. Sometimes it’s best to express Irish pride in the simplest ways.

This one only entails a heart shaped wreath and a green ribbon. Great to put in any home.

This one only entails a heart shaped wreath and a green ribbon. Great to put in any home.

51. No little leprechaun should go without a crocheted hat like this.

This little leprechaun hat even has a buckle in front. So cute.

This little leprechaun hat even has a buckle in front. So cute.

52. Sometimes white flowers is all you need for a St. Patrick’s Day wreath.

But please include the green ribbon at the front so it's for Saint Patrick's Day. Lovely.

But please include the green ribbon at the front so it’s for Saint Patrick’s Day. Lovely.

53. A zipper shamrock will make a very lucky pin.

Yes, this was made with zipper teeth. I know it looks simple. But it's probably not.

Yes, this was made with zipper teeth. I know it looks simple. But it’s probably not.

54. A leprechaun should find this little green house warm and cozy.

Though we have to admit, this will probably be used to feed birds more than anything. But I love the facade.

Though we have to admit, this will probably be used to feed birds more than anything. But I love the facade.

55. A shamrock key chain makes a great good luck charm.

Because at least you can see your keys better with it. Made of felt with sequin decorations.

Because at least you can see your keys better with it. Made of felt with sequin decorations.

56. Welcome spring this Saint Patrick’s Day with this pin containing 3 flowers.

I bet the boy one is plainer so they can tell them apart. Still, love the flowers.

I bet the boy one is plainer so they can tell them apart. Still, love the flowers.

57. You’ll find a pot of gold in the middle of this wreath on St. Patrick’s Day.

Helps that the wreath is in polka dots and gold trim. And the pot of gold is green and shiny.

Helps that the wreath is in polka dots and gold trim. And the pot of gold is green and shiny.

58. May you be guided by the ladder of luck this Saint Patrick’s Day.

There's a lot of ladder sets for several occasions. But I just put this one up because I had a lot of wreaths already.

There’s a lot of ladder sets for several occasions. But I just put this one up because I had a lot of wreaths already.

59. Looks like a we’ve found a leprechaun at his pot of gold.

I'm sure the gold coins are plastic and aren't worth anything. But it's a charming decoration nonetheless.

I’m sure the gold coins are plastic and aren’t worth anything. But it’s a charming decoration nonetheless.

60. Nothing makes a leprechaun squirm like a large pot of gold.

Well, this is made from wood. But the green and shamrock give it a nice touch.

Well, this is made from wood. But the green and shamrock give it a nice touch.

61. Hope this wooden leprechaun brings you great luck and good cheer.

Another wooden leprechaun. Then again, this one has more of a body. But his hat is definitely one you can see for miles.

Another wooden leprechaun. Then again, this one has more of a body. But his hat is definitely one you can see for miles.

62. A great St. Patrick’s Day wreath has lovely green felt flowers.

Well, if the flowers weren't green it wouldn't be for St. Patrick's day. Love the button centers though.

Well, if the flowers weren’t green it wouldn’t be for St. Patrick’s day. Love the button centers though.

63. This lucky sign includes a horseshoe for better days.

Well, it's a pallet sign that's not just for St. Patrick's Day. Though St. Patrick's Day is the perfect occasion for it.

Well, it’s a pallet sign that’s not just for St. Patrick’s Day. Though St. Patrick’s Day is the perfect occasion for it.

64. You can’t celebrate St. Patrick’s Day without donning a pair of shamrock earrings.

They also consist of 4 leaves to bring luck to you. Perhaps luck that you won't be found somewhere on the street after a day drinking.

They also consist of 4 leaves to bring luck to you. Perhaps luck that you won’t be found somewhere on the street after a day drinking.

65. For a necklace to match, this pendant will do quite nicely.

Well, certainly goes with the earrings. Though it has a crystal drop underneath. Etsy listing, by the way.

Well, certainly goes with the earrings. Though it has a crystal drop underneath. Etsy listing, by the way.

66. This Saint Patrick’s Day, it’s best you put your green flowers in beer mugs.

Because whiskey shot glasses wouldn't be sufficient. At one hand, it's clever. On the other hand, might evoke bad Irish stereotypes.

Because whiskey shot glasses wouldn’t be sufficient. At one hand, it’s clever. On the other hand, might evoke bad Irish stereotypes.

67. With 3 leftover Valentine’s Day wreaths, you can make a shamrock.

Well, this is a 3 leaf one with a large bow. Might contain a few pearls among the green though.

Well, this is a 3 leaf one with a large bow. Might contain a few pearls among the green though.

68. Show your love for the Irish with this Saint Patrick’s Day mailbox decoration.

Make sure you live in a neighborhood that doesn't have mailbox smashers before you do this. Because it might not turn out quite well.

Make sure you live in a neighborhood that doesn’t have mailbox smashers before you do this. Because it might not turn out quite well.

69. There’s nothing that expresses St. Patrick’s Day quite like Scrabble tiles.

Yes, is a nice display as anything. However, I don't really approve using game tiles for craft projects.

Yes, is a nice display as anything. However, I don’t really approve using game tiles for craft projects for obvious reasons.

70. A Saint Patrick’s Day wreath always brings good luck when it contains flowers.

This one has green, white, and yellow flowers to match as well as a horseshoe. Lovely.

This one has green, white, and yellow flowers to match as well as a horseshoe. Lovely.

71. With this sign of luck, your Saint Patrick’s Day will never dim.

Since the word "luck" is in lights like a marquee. Even has a shamrock to mark the occasion.

Since the word “luck” is in lights like a marquee. Even has a shamrock to mark the occasion.

72. There’s nothing more colorful on St. Patrick’s Day like a tulle rainbow wreath.

Has all the colors as well as white for cloud and some extra green. And it's all tied in a shamrock bow.

Has all the colors as well as white for cloud and some extra green. And it’s all tied in a shamrock bow.

73. A Saint Patrick’s Day tree should have a pot of gold on top.

Also, has to be decorated with shamrocks and fake gold coins, too. By the way, this was made from tinsel garland.

Also, has to be decorated with shamrocks and fake gold coins, too. By the way, this was made from tinsel garland.

74. Don’t like wreaths? How about a Saint Patrick’s Day door hanging of daisies?

Guaranteed to make an impression on guests this March 17. Love the green bow.

Guaranteed to make an impression on guests this March 17. Love the green bow.

75. On this decomesh hanging, you can find gold at the end of the rainbow.

Well, maybe not literally. But you'll find plenty of shamrocks though.

Well, maybe not literally. But you’ll find plenty of shamrocks though.

76. Those with leftover Valentine’s Day baskets might want to make their own shamrock like this.

Even has shamrocks coming out of it, too. Love the rainbow bow.

Even has shamrocks coming out of it, too. Love the rainbow bow.

77. A green burlap wreath can never have enough shamrocks.

And this one certainly has them. Some are around it while some come up from the bow.

And this one certainly has them. Some are around it while some come up from the bow.

78. A lucky charm wreath can always make Irish eyes smile.

For those who aim for more whimsical decorations, this one is certainly for you. It's all green with bows, gold coins, and shamrocks.

For those who aim for more whimsical decorations, this one is certainly for you. It’s all green with bows, gold coins, and shamrocks.

79. For a more naturalistic Saint Patrick’s Day wreath, try one of green hydrangeas.

On second thought, green hydrangeas aren't very naturalistic. Though the petals can pass as leaves here.

On second thought, green hydrangeas aren’t very naturalistic. Though the petals can pass as leaves here.

80. On Saint Patrick’s Day, leprechauns are always welcome.

And here we have a leprechaun welcome sign. Still, might want to start charging them if you want their gold.

And here we have a leprechaun welcome sign. Still, might want to start charging them if you want their gold.

81. Nothing makes your guests feel happy on St. Paddy’s day like this puppy bouquet.

Though an Irish wolfhound pup would've been more appropriate. But sometimes you have to take what you can get.

Though an Irish wolfhound pup would’ve been more appropriate. But sometimes you have to take what you can get.

82. Greet visitors this Saint Patrick’s Day with a wreath of felt flowers and shamrocks.

Consists of flowers on top and shamrocks on the bottom. Think it's quite charming and quaint.

Consists of flowers on top and shamrocks on the bottom. Think it’s quite charming and quaint.

83. Nothing brings the spirit of St. Patrick’s Day like a rainbow wreath and a pot of gold.

Well, this one's in decomesh. But I couldn't pass this one up on Pinterest for good reason.

Well, this one’s in decomesh. But I couldn’t pass this one up on Pinterest for good reason.

84. With this St. Patrick’s Day ladder, every hour is happy hour.

Includes rainbow, shamrock, and a beer mug. Still, might bring you luck with "Irish You Were Beer."

Includes rainbow, shamrock, and a beer mug. Still, might bring you luck with “Irish You Were Beer.”

85. Leprechaun shoes are always great for flowers.

Might want to attach pinwheels now that you're at it. Flowers are most likely fake though.

Might want to attach pinwheels now that you’re at it. Flowers are most likely fake though.

86. How about a tree with gold coins and shamrocks.

May not give you luck. But it would sure make a fine centerpiece at a party.

May not give you luck. But it would sure make a fine centerpiece at a party.

87. With this horseshoe, you’d have all the luck you need.

This one has only 3 shamrocks on it. But you also have to love the bows.

This one has only 3 shamrocks on it. But you also have to love the bows.

88. Capture the spirit of St. Patrick’s Day with a bouquet of shamrocks.

Because nothing denotes St. Patrick's Day like it. Love how they're in a bucket.

Because nothing denotes St. Patrick’s Day like it. Love how they’re in a bucket.

89. A shamrock hanging should always come with flowers.

Makes a nice bouquet doesn't it? Even includes an Irish blessing.

Makes a nice bouquet doesn’t it? Even includes an Irish blessing.

90. Cuddle up this Saint Patrick’s Day with your very own button shamrock pillow.

The shamrock here is made of buttons of all sizes. Love it.

The shamrock here is made of buttons of all sizes. Love it.

91. Show your love for St. Patrick’s Day with some Irish sheep.

You can tell they're Irish because they have shamrocks on their butts. Okay, I was just kidding. Yet, these are quite original.

You can tell they’re Irish because they have shamrocks on their butts. Okay, I was just kidding. Yet, these are quite original.

92. A St. Patrick’s Day birdhouse should always include a horseshoe.

Because a horseshoe is a sign of luck. The green paint job gives this one a rustic feel.

Because a horseshoe is a sign of luck. The green paint job gives this one a rustic feel.

93. There’s nothing on Saint Patrick’s Day like this shamrock pillow.

Seems like it was based on a kid drawing. Then again, it's probably part of the charm.

Seems like it was based on a kid drawing. Then again, it’s probably part of the charm.

94. Nothing shows Irish pride like a quilt of the Emerald Isle.

Includes Irish features as you can see here along with the map of the land itself. Definitely a sight to behold.

Includes Irish features as you can see here along with the map of the land itself. Definitely a sight to behold.

95. Speaking of quilts, check out this shamrock one in purple.

Yes, I know the color isn't quite right since it's not green. But it includes shamrocks so it goes on this post.

Yes, I know the color isn’t quite right since it’s not green. But it includes shamrocks so it goes on this post.

96. Catch the sunlight with this shamrock suncatcher.

Contains a stained glass 4-leaf clover for the sun to shine through. Love it.

Contains a stained glass 4-leaf clover for the sun to shine through. Love it.

97. On this Saint Patrick’s Day wreath, what comes from a leprechaun’s hat comes down a rainbow.

And the rainbow leads to a pot of gold. Yes, I have a lot of wreaths on here. But I just couldn't miss this one.

And the rainbow leads to a pot of gold. Yes, I have a lot of wreaths on here. But I just couldn’t miss this one.

98. With this sign, may you always have luck on this St. Patrick’s Day.

This is from an Etsy listing. But you have to admire the artistic detail. Like the white shamrock.

This is from an Etsy listing. But you have to admire the artistic detail. Like the white shamrock.

99. Impress your lucky guests this Saint Patrick’s Day with this shamrock and coin table runner.

Great for parties and mantle displays. Though you might want to keep it away from the alcohol.

Great for parties and mantle displays. Though you might want to keep it away from the alcohol.

100. For calming words of wisdom, this glass block has an Irish blessing.

Great for added illumination during tough times like these. Lovely.

Great for added illumination during tough times like these. Lovely.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Ads (Fourth Edition)

0d7e31096dec3610633acb87125fd5cd

The beginning of this year hasn’t been good to me other than Netflix premiering A Series of Unfortunate Events  and finally getting to see Rogue One of course. For the nation, we saw the end of a great presidency and the swearing of a president who I strongly believe has absolutely no conscience, has no reason to be trusted, and probably has no idea how to run the country. Oh, and his presidency has a chance to embolden white supremacists as well as inspired mass protests. On Sunday this week, the nation witnessed the Atlanta Falcons nearly winning the Super Bowl before unbelievably seizing defeat in the jaws of victory against the New England Cheetahs, excuse me, I mean Patriots. And to insult to injury, Deflategate Quarterback Tom Brady received another MVP trophy. Yes, it always sucks to see this wretched team win outside of New England of course. For me, personally, I lost my grandfather on the week of my 27th birthday which was sad and somewhat sudden but not unexpected since he was 89. Yet, his loss certainly leaves a big void in my family as well as my life. And that my birthday was on his viewing while his funeral was the next day. So perhaps it would be nice of me to perhaps put some fun blog posts in for once just to hold myself over until after Valentine’s Day. Though McDonald’s has already released their shamrock line already which I believe is premature. And I thought nothing would be better than another vintage ad post. Yes, I know these are crazy nostalgia busting ad pieces are things you can’t unsee. But please, we should understand that they belong to a time when many people consider America great that they voted a billionaire devil in ugly orange hair who brags about grabbing women by the pussy in order to make America great again. In truth, that time they nostalgize about really wasn’t that great as these ads show. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of questionable vintage advertising. Enjoy.

  1. A Kiddie-Coop keeps your baby safe and sound.
For some reason, it reminds me of a cage you'd keep your pet rabbit in. Or is it a pet turtle?

For some reason, it reminds me of a cage you’d keep your pet rabbit in. Or is it a pet turtle?

2. Satisfy your sadistic urges with a Whizooka roach gun.

Warning: Might contain poisonous chemicals that might make your family ill or kill your pets. Might affect other wildlife populations as well. Please use responsibly.

Warning: Might contain poisonous chemicals that might make your family ill or kill your pets. Might affect other wildlife populations as well. Please use responsibly.

3. Stevens: the choice of gun for any child soldier.

Okay, this kid doesn't look like he's on a duck hunt. His expression is more akin of Paul Baumer from All Quiet on the Western Front.

Okay, this kid doesn’t look like he’s on a duck hunt. His expression is more akin of Paul Baumer from All Quiet on the Western Front.

4. Give her a gift she’ll truly appreciate forever like her very own garbage disposal.

To be fair, it's probably not the worst thing to give a woman on Valentine's Day. But it's not one that inspires true romance.

To be fair, it’s probably not the worst thing to give a woman on Valentine’s Day. But it’s not one that inspires true romance.

5. “Should I leave you on the doorstep, Mom?”

Because nobody shames mothers into using a product like introducing a freaky alternative reality. I think Johnson & Johnson hired real basket cases to do this ad.

Because nobody shames mothers into using a product like introducing a freaky alternative reality. I think Johnson & Johnson hired real basket cases to do this ad.

6. Men, do you enjoy engaging in spousal abuse for kicks? The BPA Fun Center is the place for you.

Okay, I get that this ad doesn't intend to promote domestic violence against women at any time. It's supposed to be for a place like Dave & Busters. But the slogan is just so wrong.

Okay, I get that this ad doesn’t intend to promote domestic violence against women at any time. It’s supposed to be for a place like Dave & Busters. But the slogan is just so wrong.

7. Campbell’s Soup: the #1 soup for the budding child psychopath.

Because there's nothing that your budding psychokiller won't enjoy more than some very salty chicken noodle soup. Campbells Mmmmm....salt.

Because there’s nothing that your budding psychokiller won’t enjoy more than some very salty chicken noodle soup. Campbells Mmmmm….salt.

8. Dr. Pepper is always healthy and invigorating that you’d want to get naked at the beach.

So in the early 1900s it was perfectly okay to feature naked women in order to sell stuff. And they thought women wear to little in our advertising.

So in the early 1900s it was perfectly okay to feature naked women in order to sell stuff. And they thought women wear to little in our advertising.

9. Keep yourselves healthy all winter long with a GE sunlamp.

The baby in the doctor's outfit is quite freaky if you ask me. Also, I'm not sure if sun lamps are good for you anyway.

The baby in the doctor’s outfit is quite freaky if you ask me. Also, I’m not sure if sun lamps are good for you anyway.

10. Thanks to Planetary Pencil Pointer, a woman can now sharpen her pencil.

Uh, sharpening pencils doesn't require a lot of physical strength to begin with. Even if you don't use a crank. Seriously, this is just sexist garbage.

Uh, sharpening pencils doesn’t require a lot of physical strength to begin with. Even if you don’t use a crank. Seriously, this is just sexist garbage. But at least it comes from a company whose name is quite fitting.

11. Thanks to DDT, this baby no longer has to worry about the pesky flies.

Unfortunately, you couldn't say the same for the other baby creatures out there. Since DDT has led to thinning eggshells on multiple birds of prey who eat fly infested vermin. This has put a lot of animals on the Endangered Species List.

Unfortunately, you couldn’t say the same for the other baby creatures out there. Since DDT has led to thinning eggshells on multiple birds of prey who eat fly infested vermin. This has put a lot of animals on the Endangered Species List.

12. Doctors agree that Camel cigarettes are great for a child’s health and life expectancy.

Yes, the little girl thinks she'll live to be a hundred when she starts smoking. But what's more likely to happen is that she'll probably end up with a slew of respiratory problems before dying of lung cancer before reaching 60.

Yes, the little girl thinks she’ll live to be a hundred when she starts smoking. But what’s more likely to happen is that she’ll probably end up with a slew of respiratory problems before dying of lung cancer before reaching 60.

13. Problems in your sex life? Well, look no further than in the self-help book Eugenics and Sex Harmony.

Not recommended for ethnic minorities, poor people, and the disabled. Who shouldn't be having feeble minded kids anyway. Seriously, what else does eugenics mean?

Not recommended for ethnic minorities, poor people, and the disabled. Who shouldn’t be having feeble minded kids anyway. Seriously, what else does eugenics mean?

14. Horton’s furniture says let him worry about Vietnam while you ladies think about getting a new sofa.

To be fair, women weren't subjected to the draft in the late 1960s. However, this ad is incredibly sexist just the same for obvious reasons.

To be fair, women weren’t subjected to the draft in the late 1960s. However, this ad is incredibly sexist just the same for obvious reasons.

15. Finally, a scrapbook for the “Homely Woman,” only so they know how to pass as pretty.

Because, ladies, if you can't be a delicate flower who can fit in a suffocating corset, then no man will want you. By the way, if it helps you, Eleanor Roosevelt wasn't considered a great beauty in her day but managed to find a man anyway. Even if he was her 5th cousin. Though her great asset was her brains.

Because, ladies, if you can’t be a delicate flower who can fit in a suffocating corset, then no man will want you. By the way, if it helps you, Eleanor Roosevelt wasn’t considered a great beauty in her day but managed to find a man anyway. Even if he was her 5th cousin who cheated on her.

16. Enhance your respiratory capabilities with a wonderful lung expander.

I don't know about you, but it seems like this boy is taking in air through a vacuum resembling a flying saucer. Makes me scratch my head.

I don’t know about you, but it seems like this boy is taking in air through a vacuum resembling a flying saucer. Makes me scratch my head.

17. A Singer sewing machine is sewing made easy.

While Mom teaches little Susie how to use this thing, little Susie wants to know how she can use this machine to knock down little Timmy from across the street. Because she doesn't see much use in sewing clothes.

While Mom teaches little Susie how to use this thing, little Susie wants to know how she can use this machine to knock down little Timmy from across the street. Because she doesn’t see much use in sewing clothes.

18. Vigoro makes your lawn as good as it looks.

So go ahead let your toddler play outside with his diaper. Then again, from that boy's look, I feel more for the cat.

So go ahead let your toddler play outside with his diaper. Then again, from that boy’s look, I feel more for the cat.

19. Women, if your husband won’t have sex with you, you might be using the wrong vagina cleaner. So consider Zonite.

For some reason, I consider such ads about "feminine hygiene" that shames women for dirty private parts among the most sexist. These are clearly about shaming women for not keeping their vaginas clean enough. Good God.

For some reason, I consider such ads about “feminine hygiene” that shames women for dirty private parts among the most sexist. These are clearly about shaming women for not keeping their vaginas clean enough. Good God.

20. Parker: making pens for women before Bic did. Because girls have smaller hands.

Ellen Degeneres did a whole comedy bit on this which was hilarious. Seriously, women have been using regular pens for years. The idea women need special pens for them is just stupid.

Ellen Degeneres did a whole comedy bit on this which was hilarious. Seriously, women have been using regular pens for years. The idea women need special pens for them is just stupid.

21. Champion’s Mustard: the perfect condiment for a midsummer’s night dream.

Are those supposed to be black? Because if they are, I have a bad feeling about this. Also, Bottom looks like he's just wearing a donkey head.

Are those supposed to be black? Because if they are, I have a bad feeling about this. Also, Bottom looks like he’s just wearing a donkey head.

22. Keep your kids from falling out of the car with a Dickson Rear automatic door lock.

Because this car surely didn't come with a built-in child safety locks on the doors. Or seatbelts for that matter.

Because this car surely didn’t come with a built-in child safety locks on the doors. Or seatbelts for that matter.

23. Incompatible really means “the wife has a dirty vagina problem.” So fix it withe Lysol.

So in olden days, doctors encouraged women to put cleaning products in their hoohahs. Jesus Christ, that's a really super dumb way to fix your relationship.

So in olden days, doctors encouraged women to put cleaning products in their hoohahs. Jesus Christ, that’s a really super dumb and dangerous way to fix your relationship. Marriage counseling would be safer.

24. Put your man at ease over causing the fender bender with a pie made from Jell-O pudding.

So Jell-O believes that women are bad drivers. What a bunch of sexist assholes.

So Jell-O believes that women are bad drivers. What a bunch of sexist assholes.

25. Softness is what boys always find desirable in girls. So try Baby Soft.

Please let this girl be at least 18. Also, why the hell do they have an adult cosmetics like called Baby Soft? That's just freaky.

Please let this girl be at least 18. Also, why the hell do they have an adult cosmetics like called Baby Soft? That’s just freaky.

26. Pratts Healing Ointment cures both man and beast.

However, going to bed with your horse, well, that's not necessarily encouraged. Seriously, that's kind of sick if you think about it.

However, going to bed with your horse, well, that’s not necessarily encouraged. Seriously, that’s kind of sick if you think about it.

27. Do it on the floor with the love rug.

"The Love Rug strokes your bodies as you make love." So how can a rug do that. Also, is that David Hasselhoff?

“The Love Rug strokes your bodies as you make love.” So how can a rug do that. Also, is that David Hasselhoff?

28. Killed your husband and need to getaway fast? Broadway Deluxe Cab is at your service.

It's the cab service you call when you need to get out before the police arrive and find your prints all over the gun. I don't know about you, but I don't think this is an appropriate ad campaign in the least.

It’s the cab service you call when you need to get out before the police arrive and find your prints all over the gun. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think this is an appropriate ad campaign in the least.

29. Wash your boy’s hair with Lucky Tiger Hair Tonic so he won’t lose it when he’s older.

Unfortunately, Lucky Tiger won't prevent hair loss if baldness runs in your family. Because that's determined by genetics, folks. But some will lose their hair earlier than others.

Unfortunately, Lucky Tiger won’t prevent hair loss if baldness runs in your family. Because that’s determined by genetics, folks. But some will lose their hair earlier than others.

30. Keep your calls secret with a voice silencer.

Wonder how that works. I'm sure it won't be effective if you're on a party line.

Wonder how that works. I’m sure it won’t be effective if you’re on a party line.

31. Stop being bored by going on a trip to Disneyland.

After all, you probably need it as much as you need a hole in the head. Okay, that doesn't send a very good message.

After all, you probably need it as much as you need a hole in the head. Okay, that doesn’t send a very good message.

32. Thought your kid would be a different gender? Rexall’s got you covered.

So what if he was hoping for a boy and got a girl? I'm sure his daughter will appreciate the Panda bear teddy anyway. Also, kids are too young for all that sporting equipment anyway.

So what if he was hoping for a boy and got a girl? I’m sure his daughter will appreciate the Panda bear teddy anyway. Also, kids are too young for all that sporting equipment anyway.

33. King Electric Furnaces are stacked for comfort so you can safely sit on one with your bare ass.

Well, I have to hand it for King in this case even though I usually don't approve of naked women. But this one shows that you can sit on their furnace and not burn your ass off. What can be better than that.

Well, I have to hand it for King in this case even though I usually don’t approve of naked women. But this one shows that you can sit on their furnace and not burn your ass off. What can be better than that.

34. Have your dogs get in shape while you drive with a “canine exerciser.”

As someone who's watched Vacation, tying your dog to a car can constitute as animal cruelty and kill them. A canine exerciser is a great way to get your local Humane Society to hate you.

As someone who’s watched Vacation, tying your dog to a car can constitute as animal cruelty and kill them. A canine exerciser is a great way to get your local Humane Society to hate you.

35. All these pretty women can’t find husbands because of one crucial problem.

I think I know where this is going. Let me guess, dirty vaginas? Seriously, why the obsession?

I think I know where this is going. Let me guess, dirty vaginas? Seriously, why the obsession?

36. Nothing cures domestic squabbles like Arpege perfume.

From Tinsel Creation: "'“Mommy, don’t cry… I’m sure Daddy’s giving you Arpège.' Nothing sells a classic like the suggestion of domestic violence, apparently. Promise her anything…"

From Tinsel Creation: “‘“Mommy, don’t cry… I’m sure Daddy’s giving you Arpège.’ Nothing sells a classic like the suggestion of domestic violence, apparently. Promise her anything…”

37. Sold digestive problems with Burdock’s Pills.

For some reason, this add suggests that your liver helps you shit. I'm not so sure whoever came up with this ad understands human anatomy.

For some reason, this add suggests that your liver helps you shit. I’m not so sure whoever came up with this ad understands human anatomy.

38. Do you still beat your wife? Keep it up.

This is for a booklet titled, "Why You Should Beat Your Wife." You read that right. This ad promotes domestic abuse, for God's sake. What the hell?

This is for a booklet titled, “Why You Should Beat Your Wife.” You read that right. This ad promotes domestic abuse, for God’s sake. What the hell?

39. Planning to kill your wife sometime soon? Get her an Albany Life insurance policy first.

The fact this ad features knives, pills, bleach, and a pillow makes it seem like this insurance company wants guys to kill their wives. Couldn't they feature something less disturbing like funeral stuff?

The fact this ad features knives, pills, bleach, and a pillow makes it seem like this insurance company wants guys to kill their wives. Couldn’t they feature something less disturbing like funeral stuff?

40. Lavine soap gets things clean.

But please treat yourself to this naked kid about to strangle a swan with bare hands. Hey, that's what it looks like to me.

But please treat yourself to this naked kid about to strangle a swan with bare hands. Hey, that’s what it looks like to me.

41. Centaur Massage cologne is half-man, half-beast but all male.

It's the kind of cologne an Ancient Greek man would want to be massaged with by a skimpy clad woman. Still, given a centaur's body hair abundance, would anyone want to mate with one? Especially after what the centaurs might've done to Umbridge.

It’s the kind of cologne an Ancient Greek man would want to be massaged with by a skimpy clad woman. Still, given a centaur’s body hair abundance, would anyone want to mate with one? Especially after what the centaurs might’ve done to Umbridge.

42. The hotter the day, the more you need Ethyl gasoline.

Note that Ethyl has become notorious for its tetraled gasoline which has contributed to a ton of deadly pollution in the atmosphere and posed significant health risks. The guy who invented this would later create CFCs that would cause a hole in the ozone layer.

Note that Ethyl has become notorious for its tetraled gasoline which has contributed to a ton of deadly pollution in the atmosphere and posed significant health risks. The guy who invented this would later create CFCs that would cause a hole in the ozone layer.

43. Joy’s Cigarettes are great for your asthma.

In reality, they'll only exacerbate your asthma and lead to other health problems that could kill you. And no, they're not safe for children at all.

In reality, they’ll only exacerbate your asthma and lead to other health problems that could kill you. And no, they’re not safe for children at all.

44. Remember, ladies, your bad breath will drive your man away.

I'm sure in plenty of relationships didn't end because the woman had bad breath or used the wrong toothpaste. Also, what's the spider web suppose to mean?

I’m sure in plenty of relationships didn’t end because the woman had bad breath or used the wrong toothpaste. Also, what’s the spider web suppose to mean?

45. Need to stop for a few things? Keep your kids in the car while you visit a 7-Eleven.

Nowadays, keeping your kids in the car might get you arrested for child neglect during the summer. Because keeping your kids in a hot car is a major parenting no-no.

Nowadays, keeping your kids in the car might get you arrested for child neglect during the summer. Because keeping your kids in a hot car is a major parenting no-no.

46. Now you can make your home gay with Gaytop table covers.

I'm sure this ad gets unintentional shits and giggles because "gay" has a different connotation these days. The smiling guy in the plaid shirt make this ad even funnier.

I’m sure this ad gets unintentional shits and giggles because “gay” has a different connotation these days. The smiling guy in the plaid shirt make this ad even funnier.

47. Zonite: the feminine hygiene product for whenever your ginie gets too dirty for lovemaking.

Whenever I see ads like this, I tend to wonder why were they so obsessed with women keeping clean vaginas. This is ridiculous.

Whenever I see ads like this, I tend to wonder why were they so obsessed with women keeping clean vaginas. This is ridiculous.

48. A Sears Kenmore Stove is designed for wives but built for husbands.

So does this mean Kenmore thinks women belong in the kitchen? Because it sure seems like it.

So does this mean Kenmore thinks women belong in the kitchen? Because it sure seems like it.

49. “Are you sure I’d still be a virgin with Tampax?”

For the love of God, asking whether using Tampax hurts one's virginity is like asking whether Harry Potter will lead kids to sorcery and devil worship. We both obviously know that such concepts are utterly ridiculous to even think about. Jesus Christ!

For the love of God, asking whether using Tampax hurts one’s virginity is like asking whether Harry Potter will lead kids to sorcery and devil worship. We both obviously know that such concepts are utterly ridiculous to even think about. Jesus Christ!

50. Save your marriage by changing to Lipton Tea.

No, I don't think changing tea brands improves relationships. Except maybe during the American Revolution but otherwise not really.

No, I don’t think changing tea brands improves relationships. Except maybe during the American Revolution but otherwise not really.

51. Ladies, you can lose your man in a minute if you don’t wash your mouth with Listerine.

Look, if your man leaves you for having bad breath, then it's more likely he's the problem not you. And you're probably better off without Mr. Shallowpants.

Look, if your man leaves you for having bad breath, then it’s more likely he’s the problem not you. And you’re probably better off without Mr. Shallowpants anyway.

52. Don’t let menstrual panic happen to you, use Modess sanitary napkins.

Sure women experience period leakage all the time and it's embarrassing. However, this ad makes such worries severe enough for them to need a psychiatrist.

Sure women experience period leakage all the time and it’s embarrassing. However, this ad makes such worries severe enough for them to need a psychiatrist.

53. These days a girl doesn’t have to be pretty to be popular.

And I suppose you don't have to be a good hospital to be popular. Seriously, why would a girl snorting cocaine be a good way for a hospital to advertise? Were they trying to say they have a good drug treatment center? Because this picture doesn't make them look good at all.

And I suppose you don’t have to be a good hospital to be popular. Seriously, why would a girl snorting cocaine be a good way for a hospital to advertise? Were they trying to say they have a good drug treatment center? Because this picture doesn’t make them look good at all.

54. Husband more frigid than usual but won’t say why? Maybe because it’s stinky down there.

Or that her husband's head is literally frozen inside an ice cube. So I don't think cleaning her privates will help her in this case.

Or that her husband’s head is literally frozen inside an ice cube. So I don’t think cleaning her privates will help her in this case.

55. For women who want a better figure, try Jantzen girdles.

Think of it as spanx in your grandmother's time. Also, who the hell hangs up their laundry in their underwear? Not to mention, you can barely see it on her that her ass almost looks bare.

Think of it as spanx in your grandmother’s time. Also, who the hell hangs up their laundry in their underwear? Not to mention, you can barely see it on her that her ass almost looks bare.

56. A woman should always make sure whether her panties are up to date.

So you mean a woman has to have the latest panties? Seriously, if her panties aren't falling apart and fit her fine, then she doesn't need new ones. Because what she wears underneath is nobody's goddamned business.

So you mean a woman has to have the latest panties? Seriously, if her panties aren’t falling apart and fit her fine, then she doesn’t need new ones. Because what she wears underneath is nobody’s goddamned business.

57. Duraglas baby food shouldn’t leave a tiny bit to waste.

This baby's like, "Please, don't stick that into my mouth. Are you really not trying to poison me?"

This baby’s like, “Please, don’t stick that into my mouth. Are you really not trying to poison me?”

58. Smoke all you want with Jolt cigarettes.

Because odds are, you won't have much time in this world anyway. Since your chain-smoking habit will most likely cause you to die from lung cancer.

Because odds are, you won’t have much time in this world anyway. Since your chain-smoking habit will most likely cause you to die from lung cancer.

59. Do you inhale? Smoke Chesterfields.

Man, can't believe this slogan was used to get people to buy cigarettes since it's mostly used around pot smoking. Also, the woman doesn't seem to have much on her.

Man, can’t believe this slogan was used to get people to buy cigarettes since it’s mostly used around pot smoking. Also, the woman doesn’t seem to have much on her.

60. Church toilet seats are always a stunning improvement.

"And it has easy handling so Ray won't have to struggle putting it down after he pees." Sorry, but I couldn't resist.

“And it has easy handling so Ray won’t have to struggle putting it down after he pees.” Sorry, but I couldn’t resist.

61. Smoke Phillip Morris the throat tested cigarette.

I think my grandma recently talked about the creepy bellhop guy with the pack. And yes, he kind of belongs in a Stephen King novel.

I think my grandma recently talked about the creepy bellhop guy with the pack. And yes, he kind of belongs in a Stephen King novel.

62. Save money on women’s underwear during the JC Penny Father’s Day Sale.

It's especially disturbing it has the line, "We have exactly what you need that will satisfy and bring a smile to your father's face!" It's almost as if this ad was tailor made for Ivanka Trump.

It’s especially disturbing it has the line, “We have exactly what you need that will satisfy and bring a smile to your father’s face!” It’s almost as if this ad was tailor made for Ivanka Trump. Sorry, but that can’t be helped.

63. Iver Johnson Revolvers are the gun for the housewife left alone at night.

So a woman needs a gun to protect herself whenever someone knocks on the door. Sorry, but if you have to be armed to answer the door, you probably need to see a therapist.

So a woman needs a gun to protect herself whenever someone knocks on the door. Sorry, but if you have to be armed to answer the door, you probably need to see a therapist.

64. Upset that all the thin girls get more attention, then reduce your ugly fat with Ry-Krisp.

What a way to fat shame a woman in public, jerkass? For God's sake, she doesn't look that bad and I'm sure some guys would find her attractive despite her weight.

What a way to fat shame a woman in public, jerkass? For God’s sake, she doesn’t look that bad and I’m sure some guys would find her attractive despite her weight.

65. Dr. Swift is an expert in health who’ll teach you how to improve your sex life with a fine gentle massage.

Pardon me for reading too into this but this ad comes off as promoting a 19th century sex talk. Because the guy obviously has his hands up a woman's skirt. Okay, maybe it's just a doctor exam.

Pardon me for reading too into this but this ad comes off as promoting a 19th century sex talk. Because the guy obviously has his hands up a woman’s skirt. Okay, maybe it’s just a doctor exam.

66. Kids are always in the mood for toast and jam.

It's just the kind of treat for the kid who just came home for torturing the cat. Or the neighbor kid who creepily peaks through your blinds.

It’s just the kind of treat for the kid who just came home for torturing the cat. Or the neighbor kid who creepily peaks through your blinds.

67. Have your pooch travel in comfort with the “Bird-dog’s Palace.”

Because nothing shows you're good with animals like attaching a cage to the side of your car. And having that cage sport barred windows.

Because nothing shows you’re good with animals like attaching a cage to the side of your car. And having that cage sport barred windows.

68. Lighten the White Man’s Burden by using Pear’s Soap for cleanliness.

Because nothing brings the fresh smell of colonialism and culture superiority like Pear's. Man, this is epically racist with nods to Imperialism.

Because nothing brings the fresh smell of colonialism and culture superiority like Pear’s. Man, this is epically racist with nods to Imperialism.

69. The Gold Dust Twins are always the right brothers for cleaning.

But they're the wrong brothers when it comes to promoting diversity and multiculturalism. Seriously, Gold Dust might want to retire their virulently racist mascots.

But they’re the wrong brothers when it comes to promoting diversity and multiculturalism. Seriously, Gold Dust might want to retire their virulently racist mascots.

70. Keep your child safe in the car by tying them down to this safety harness.

Imagine what parents had to do to keep their kids safe in the car before they started requiring seatbelts. Probably won't recommend it.

Imagine what parents had to do to keep their kids safe in the car before they started requiring seatbelts. Probably won’t recommend it.

The Wonderful World of the Teddy Bear (Second Edition)

027246jackclassicteddybear

Two years ago, I did a post on Teddy Bears which many people loved since I got a lot of views on it. But since my country is now in the winter of its discontent and that Valentine’s Day will be around soon, I thought I could do another. After all, we all need some cuteness in our lives now and then. And what toy can be any cuter than a fuzzy, wuzzy teddy bear you can cuddle with? Nevertheless, these are mainly toys for kids and a lot of people may not like receiving them for Valentine’s Day. Yet, at the same time, it’s a highly popular toy that has so many variations from places like Build-A-Bear Workshop, Steiff, Gund, Boyds, and the Vermont Teddy Bear Company. I mean you’ll find all kinds of bears suited for holidays, special occasions, occupations and activities, and even celebrities. Oh, and you have to see the ones of fictional characters. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of these adorable plushies of joy.

  1. Han Solbear shot first.
Wait until his girlfriend's dad freezes him in carbonite and gives him to Bearba Fett to hand him to Jabba. Then he won't look so tough. Also, travels with an alien who resembles a Sasquatch.

Wait until his girlfriend’s dad freezes him in carbonite and gives him to Bearba Fett to hand him to Jabba. Then he won’t look so tough. Also, travels with an alien who resembles a Sasquatch.

2. Lord Furatio Nelson always looks dashing in his naval uniform.

Of course, he should only have one arm in this. But he looks adorable anyway.

Of course, he should only have one arm in this. But he looks adorable anyway. May come with bear of Lady Hamilton.

3. Fuzz Lightyear is always to infinity and beyond.

He even has a cap to show off his own ears. And a suit with his own wings.

He even has a cap to show off his own ears. And a suit with his own wings.

4. Of course, there’s always a cuddly bad boy around town.

This gangster bear has his own machine gun and even that doesn't keep you wanting to hug him. Though he does know how to dress.

This gangster bear has his own machine gun and even that doesn’t keep you wanting to hug him. Though he does know how to dress.

5. A pirate captain bear should always sport a colorful coat for the high seas.

Well, he certainly has a nice jacket. But you wouldn't want to come aboard his ship.

Well, he certainly has a nice jacket. But you wouldn’t want to come aboard his ship.

6. And you thought you wouldn’t want to see a hairy girl on the beach.

Well, at least she knows how to have fun in the sun. And she doesn't seem to show a lot of fur.

Well, at least she knows how to have fun in the sun. And she doesn’t seem to show a lot of fur.

7. Marco Polbear always loves to go on an adventure.

Though we're not sure if his account on China was factual or just made up. But he does look cute with a map and telescope.

Though we’re not sure if his account on China was factual or just made up. But he does look cute with a map and telescope.

8. Wondy Bear is always here to save the day.

Yet, this is her in her more modest attire with the star skirt. Still, she's here to inspire love.

Yet, this is her in her more modest attire with the star skirt. Still, she’s here to inspire love.

9. This festive caroler makes sure to dress for the yuletide season.

Though despite looking adorable, she tends to make people a bit scared at her. Also, can't carry much of a tune.

Though despite looking adorable, she tends to make people a bit scared at her. Also, can’t carry much of a tune.

10. It’s not easy being green in the land of Oz.

Yet, just remember that she has every right to her sister's ruby slippers. And that you don't want her anywhere near water.

Yet, just remember that she has every right to her sister’s ruby slippers. And that you don’t want her anywhere near water.

11. Hear ye, hear ye, comes the town crier bear.

Sure you may find it odd that he's dressed from the 18th century. But his attire suggests a festive spirit at the tavern.

Sure you may find it odd that he’s dressed from the 18th century. But his attire suggests a festive spirit at the tavern.

12. There’s nothing a baby appreciates more at their christening than this little bundle of hugs.

Well, I'm sure this is for a girl. Because having been to a lot of baptisms myself, boy babies usually wear a different outfit.

Well, I’m sure this is for a girl. Because having been to a lot of baptisms myself, boy babies usually wear a different outfit.

13. If you see a bear like this on Christmas Eve, you might be visited by 3 spirits.

Yes, this is a Jacob Marley Bear from A Christmas Carol. Chains not included.

Yes, this is a Jacob Marley Bear from A Christmas Carol. Chains not included.

14. There’s nothing people appreciate more than a teddy bear royal wedding.

Sure it may not be Will and Kate's wedding. But these royal newlyweds look adorable nonetheless.

Sure it may not be Will and Kate’s wedding. But these royal newlyweds look adorable nonetheless.

15. Sometimes you need a furry friend to help you surf the net.

However, please don't mind his broken glasses and bad fashion sense. He's very smart. Honest.

However, please don’t mind his broken glasses and bad fashion sense. He’s very smart. Honest.

16. Unto us, a cub is born.

Yes, this is a teddy bear nativity scene from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company. Shepherds and wise men not included.

Yes, this is a teddy bear nativity scene from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company. Shepherds and wise men not included.

17. He may not be a saint but it’s clear his cuteness is infallible.

Yes, it's another pope bear. Yes, I know I had one on the least teddy bear post. But this one has the funny hat and a different outfit.

Yes, it’s another pope bear. Yes, I know I had one on the least teddy bear post. But this one has the funny hat and a different outfit.

18. Of course, Lucille Bear always had spunk.

Well, this is a Vermont Teddy Bear tribute to I Love Lucy. And they seem to have this bear in Lucy's chocolatier outfit.

Well, this is a Vermont Teddy Bear tribute to I Love Lucy. And they seem to have this bear in Lucy’s chocolatier outfit.

19. Accountant Bear will help you do your taxes.

Okay, not really. But you have to like how he has an initialed briefcase and his own calculator.

Okay, not really. But you have to like how he has an initialed briefcase and his own calculator.

20. This little ball of fur nearly makes it to the finish line.

Yes, this is a marathon bear. And he has on his little number to show for it.

Yes, this is a marathon bear. And he has on his little number to show for it.

21. Optometry bear wants to know if you can see anything.

Comes with an eye chart. Though glasses don't seem to be included.

Comes with an eye chart. Though glasses don’t seem to be included.

22. If you’re Jewish, your kids will delight in this Hanukkah moose.

Sure it's no a Hanukkah tradition. But I couldn't resist leaving it out like I did the last time. Plus, it's adorable.

Sure it’s no a Hanukkah tradition. But I couldn’t resist leaving it out like I did the last time. Plus, it’s adorable.

23. A yoga bear should know how to strike a pose.

Includes a yoga mat with carrier. Not sure what this pose is supposed to be though.

Includes a yoga mat with carrier. Not sure what this pose is supposed to be though.

24. Apparently, this crooked bear is only a prisoner of your heart.

Comes with a heart and chain. Of course, this bear has to wear bright orange as modern prisoners do.

Comes with a heart and chain. Of course, this bear has to wear bright orange as modern prisoners do.

25. Even the bears of Vermont are feeling the Bern.

Love how the Bernie Sanders bear has his hairstyle. Yet, this Vermont teddy bear is always a champion for the working class of all types.

Love how the Bernie Sanders bear has his hairstyle. Yet, this Vermont teddy bear is always a champion for the working class of all types.

26. This zombie sweetheart teddy bear will make you rip your heart out.

Goes with the zombie bear I had in the post from 2 years ago. Like her dress, by the way.

Goes with the zombie bear I had in the post from 2 years ago. Like her dress, by the way.

27. The Obearmas will always have a special place in Americans’ hearts.

I already miss these two so much. They were such a great couple at the White House.

I already miss these two so much. They were such a great couple at the White House.

28. A British bear always wears khaki on his tour of duty.

However, as customary for British war bears, he doesn't wear pants. Yet, he looks dashing in his beige beret.

However, as customary for British war bears, he doesn’t wear pants. Yet, he looks dashing in his beige beret.

29. Dr. Bear will make your little dog better.

So that's what a teddy bear vet looks like. Not sure what to think about the bunny though.

So that’s what a teddy bear vet looks like. Not sure what to think about the dog though.

30. This little bear has now received a distinguished degree.

Well, it's not uncommon to buy teddy bears for graduation either. Also available in white.

Well, it’s not uncommon to buy teddy bears for graduation either. Also available in white.

31. This cuddly burglar is out to steal your heart.

It even has a little mask and sack. Love how it's holding hearts in its paws.

It even has a little mask and sack. Love how it’s holding hearts in its paws.

32. Someone must be cooking something in the kitchen.

Of course, her dress always has to match her oven mitt. And she can'd do without her wooden spoon.

Of course, her dress always has to match her oven mitt. And she can’d do without her wooden spoon.

33. Need a tissue?

I'm sure seeing the sight of this bear will make you feel better. Nice how the robe and slippers match.

I’m sure seeing the sight of this bear will make you feel better. Nice how the robe and slippers match.

34. On St. Paddy’s Day, how about you kiss this Irish bear?

For the record, I don't think there are bears in Ireland. But this guy's adorable anyway.

For the record, I don’t think there are bears in Ireland. But this guy’s adorable anyway.

35. A sewing maven always knows how to stick her pins.

She even has her own pin cushion and tape measure bow. But the dress is similar to the cooking bear.

She even has her own pin cushion and tape measure bow. But the dress is similar to the cooking bear.

36. Granny Bear is always full of wit and wisdom.

Sure most grannies don't wear dresses like that. But this is simply adorable.

Sure most grannies don’t wear dresses like that. But this is simply adorable.

37. Hope this pro can take a swing.

Well, she is quite a tennis pro. Sure she's not a Williams sister. But she's not half bad.

Well, she is quite a tennis pro. Sure she’s not a Williams sister. But she’s not half bad.

38. This trooper is proud to serve in the good old US of A.

Hope he's sure proud to be an American. Because I'm nor sure whether I am at the moment.

Hope he’s sure proud to be an American. Because I’m nor sure whether I am at the moment.

39. Fisher bear has a big catch of the day.

I wanted to put this on the teddy bear post 2 years ago but it was already full. So it goes on this one.

I wanted to put this on the teddy bear post 2 years ago but it was already full. So it goes on this one.

40. A gardening bear can have quite a green thumb.

I guess she likes to water the paw paw patch with her watering can. Nice how it matches her floppy hat.

I guess she likes to water the paw paw patch with her watering can. Nice how it matches her floppy hat.

41. Spa Bear just wants a little R&R.

Don't mind her. She just wants to enhance her beauty and take a day off from the den.

Don’t mind her. She just wants to enhance her beauty and take a day off from the den.

42. Golfer Bear strikes a hole in one.

Though golf is a boring sport, it's inexplicably popular. So I had to include this guy.

Though golf is a boring sport, it’s inexplicably popular. So I had to include this guy.

43. Snowboard bear takes to the slopes during the winter.

However, it doesn't seem to snow much in my neck of the woods this winter. Though he certainly looks quite cool with his shades.

However, it doesn’t seem to snow much in my neck of the woods this winter. Though he certainly looks quite cool with his shades.

44. This riding bear is dressed in full habit.

Horse not included. But it does make a rather elegant costume on a countryside estate.

Horse not included. But it does make a rather elegant costume on a countryside estate.

45. You can climb aboard this captain’s boat anytime.

Even has a float with a sentiment. Also like the hat.

Even has a float with a sentiment. Also like the hat.

46. As a true American, this teddy believes in the right to bear hugs.

Well, at least the right to bear hugs is better than the right to bear arms. Though a Second Amendment teddy bear would be quite funny.

Well, at least the right to bear hugs is better than the right to bear arms. Though a Second Amendment teddy bear would be quite funny.

47. All this clown wants to do is put a smile on your face.

Now I don't find clowns typically endearing. But I think this is adorable to say the least.

Now I don’t find clowns typically endearing. But I think this is adorable to say the least.

48. This bear only wants a pizza your heart.

And it's dressed like a pizza slice as you can see. Though it's not picky about toppings.

And it’s dressed like a pizza slice as you can see. Though it’s not picky about toppings.

49. Fans of Game of Thrones will always love a mother of dragons regardless of species.

Though you don't see many from Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. And both those franchises are considerable more family friendly than Game of Thrones.

Though you don’t see many from Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. And both those franchises are considerable more family friendly than Game of Thrones.

50. This bear wishes you all health and smiles.

Even though it's in a smiley face hospital gown. Though I'm sure someone would get a chuckle.

Even though it’s in a smiley face hospital gown. Though I’m sure someone would get a chuckle.

51. Commodore Oliver Hazard Beary surely won’t give up his ship.

Though he surely looks quite military for the War of 1812. Love the uniform.

Though he surely looks quite military for the War of 1812. Love the uniform.

52. A teddy bear like this can capture the essence of Joseph and His Technicolor Dream Coat.

Just wait until his brother rip his coat to pieces and throw him in a well. Hey, that's how the story goes, folks.

Just wait until his brother rip his coat to pieces and throw him in a well. Hey, that’s how the story goes, folks.

53. I wish Will and Kate the beary best.

Okay, these are the Will and Kate teddy bears. Hard to believe they have two kids who look like miniature versions of themselves.

Okay, these are the Will and Kate teddy bears. Hard to believe they have two kids who look like miniature versions of themselves.

54. These Chinese bears bring you greetings to their humble surroundings.

Well, they surely know how to dress. However, I like the guy bear's hat the best.

Well, they surely know how to dress. However, I like the guy bear’s hat the best.

55. This black bear has an interesting stripe.

I know it's a certain bear but I can't put my finger on it. But I know it's not a black bear because they're usually all black.

I know it’s a certain bear but I can’t put my finger on it. But I know it’s not a black bear because they’re usually all black.

56. Even bears can have tons of fun during Ocktoberfest.

Though I'm not so much a fan of the lederhosen. Comes with a beer stein.

Though I’m not so much a fan of the lederhosen. Comes with a beer stein.

57. King Ludwig II always believes in kingly taste.

King Ludwig II of Bavaria was seen by many as a mad king obsessed with building his fairy tale castle. Though the project bankrupted the country, it's now a tourist destination.

King Ludwig II of Bavaria was seen by many as a mad king obsessed with building his fairy tale castle. Though the project bankrupted the country, it’s now a tourist destination.

58. In Australia, teddy koala bears are a thing.

Koalas are marsupials and not bears. Though that doesn't stop me from putting one on my post.

Koalas are marsupials and not bears. Though that doesn’t stop me from putting one on my post.

59. I’m sure nobody could resist this Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

This is from a teddy bear museum. Yet, I love how each one of them is dressed in the appropriate uniform.

This is from a teddy bear museum. Yet, I love how each one of them is dressed in the appropriate uniform.

60. Donald Trump Bear promises to make America great again.

Sure he might look cute now. But wait until your locale and family start supporting him and he becomes president. And he signs executive orders banning Muslim refugees.

Sure he might look cute now. But wait until your locale and family start supporting him and he becomes president. And he signs executive orders banning Muslim refugees.

61. This bear can always play the music of the night.

Of course, any teenage girl or young woman might find this Phantom of the Opera bear quite irresistible. Though he's certainly not a nice guy.

Of course, any teenage girl or young woman might find this Phantom of the Opera bear quite irresistible. Though he’s certainly not a nice guy.

62. Some bears just love to party sometimes.

Still, you don't want to clean up after this guy. Because drunk bears can really trash a place.

Still, you don’t want to clean up after this guy. Because drunk bears can really trash a place.

63. A bear of Old Fritz is one of German pride.

Frederick the Great was an 18th century King of Prussia who became an icon in Germany. However, despite being Hitler's hero, Old Fritz would've hated his Nazi fans. And the Nazis would've hated him if they knew he was a cultured and possibly gay Francophile.

Frederick the Great was an 18th century King of Prussia who became an icon in Germany. However, despite being Hitler’s hero, Old Fritz would’ve hated his Nazi fans. And the Nazis would’ve hated him if they knew he was a cultured and possibly gay Francophile.

64. For the Sun King Louis XIV, he is the state.

Louis XIV was perhaps Europe's longest reigning monarch who ruled France in a court of tremendous luxury. However, his precedents would lead to the French Revolution.

Louis XIV was perhaps Europe’s longest reigning monarch who ruled France in a court of tremendous luxury. However, his precedents would lead to the French Revolution.

65. Even a bear can become a graceful ballerina.

Contrary to popular belief, ballet dancers aren't sissies. Since what they do requires tremendous athleticism and stamina. Also, there are a lot of NFL players who take ballet classes.

Contrary to popular belief, ballet dancers aren’t sissies. Since what they do requires tremendous athleticism and stamina. Also, there are a lot of NFL players who take ballet classes.

66. Kaiser Wilhem II always sports a large pointy hat.

Sure he ruled Germany during WWI. But c'mon, this was made by a German company. Besides, the Kaiser wasn't as bad as the guy who led Germany in the next World War.

Sure he ruled Germany during WWI. But c’mon, this was made by a German company. Besides, the Kaiser wasn’t as bad as the guy who led Germany in the next World War.

67. Sir Huggins will be your knight in shining armor.

He even has his own shield with hearts. So you know he just wants your love.

He even has his own shield with hearts. So you know he just wants your love.

68. Willy Wonka bear is always as sweet as his candy.

However, he has no regard to safety and labor standards and has a sadistic streak in torturing naughty children. You've been warned.

However, he has no regard to safety and labor standards and has a sadistic streak in torturing naughty children. You’ve been warned.

69. Albert Bearstein is a noted genius.

And he only wears a vest. Like the crazy hair and mustache, too.

And he only wears a vest. Like the crazy hair and mustache, too.

70. A flapper bear is always 1920s chic.

She even has her own feather hat and halter dress. Hope she stays out of speakeasies.

She even has her own feather hat and halter dress. Hope she stays out of speakeasies.

71. The Japanese Emperor and Empress always hold a space in their subjects’ hearts.

So immortalizing them as teddy bears goes without saying. Because the Japanese always have a fondness for cuteness.

So immortalizing them as teddy bears goes without saying. Because the Japanese always have a fondness for cuteness.

72. St. Nick loves to give presents to the children around Christmas time.

Though he may not always be a nice guy when it comes to yuletide traditions in some countries. Like the outfit though.

Though he may not always be a nice guy when it comes to yuletide traditions in some countries. Like the outfit though.

73. Kiss this bear and he’ll turn into a prince.

Though his frog outfit can make him look just as cute. Still, it's all in the costume.

Though his frog outfit can make him look just as cute. Still, it’s all in the costume.

74. Hockey bear knows how to score a goal on the ice.

Well, he doesn't seem to have the proper safety equipment on. What if he gets injured or in a fight?

Well, he doesn’t seem to have the proper safety equipment on. What if he gets injured or in a fight?

75. This bear has nothing on him.

Though he wouldn't need a fig leaf to cover his privates. I mean he has fur.

Though he wouldn’t need a fig leaf to cover his privates. I mean he has fur.

76. This Vermont teddy bear is cozy in his green maple sweater.

Comes with a bottle of maple syrup. Love the maple leaf buttons.

Comes with a bottle of maple syrup. Love the maple leaf buttons.

77. This bear always tries to be at the height of fashion.

Here she is in her blue dress and shiny shoes. And yes, she has long brown hair, too.

Here she is in her blue dress and shiny shoes. And yes, she has long brown hair, too.

78. This retro bear lives the 1950s.

Unsurprisingly, she wears a poodle skirt. Though you don't see these a lot in 1950s fashion.

Unsurprisingly, she wears a poodle skirt. Though you don’t see these a lot in 1950s fashion.

79. This little peanut is totally nuts for you.

I'm not sure if he's advertising for Planters. But he's nevertheless adorable.

I’m not sure if he’s advertising for Planters. But he’s nevertheless adorable.

80. Help this bear make a wish before he blows out the candles.

It even has a crown along with the cake. Certainly for some kid's birthday.

It even has a crown along with the cake. Certainly for some kid’s birthday.

Fall in Love with These Valentine’s Day Craft Projects (Second Edition)

5d9019ab056c1476d8b21e15d82c28dc

Pardon me for the interruption of the last essay, but that couldn’t really be helped. Anyway, moving on, we go to Valentine’s Day craft projects. And I’m sure plenty of us had made at least one in an elementary school art class. Though it would mostly be made from construction paper. However, while there are plenty of people like me who aren’t very much into the holiday with the possible exception of cashing in on it, there are plenty who are. Because you’re bound to find plenty of Valentine’s Day crafts on Pinterest. Though naturally a lot of these are suited for children. Last year, I did a post on V-Day crafts which was quite a hit. So I plan on doing one for this year. And like last year, these crafts aren’t really for kids. Then again, so are most of the stuff on my craft posts in general. Nevertheless, for your reading pleasure, I give you another installment of Valentine’s Day craft projects you’re sure to love.

  1. How about some pink hearts in a pot?
Well, they are propped like flowers with varying different patterns. Nice to put outside one's door.

Well, they are propped like flowers with varying different patterns. Nice to put outside one’s door.

2. If you have any troubles, Madam Ruth will fix you some Love Potion No. 9.

Might cause you to kiss everything in sight. And in the Harry Potter universe, it's a legal date rape drug.

Might cause you to kiss everything in sight. And in the Harry Potter universe, it’s a legal date rape drug.

3. A Valentine heart should always have flowers of pink, white, and red.

Well, not sure which flowers they are. But they sure look nice hanging over the window.

Well, not sure which flowers they are. But they sure look nice hanging over the window.

4. If you’re into the winter magic, this heart wreath is just for you.

This one consists of a snowy branch heart with two red cardinals. and a heart in the center. A perfect Valentine's Day decoration for male same-sex couples. Well, assuming the birds are cardinals.

This one consists of a snowy branch heart with two red cardinals. and a heart in the center. A perfect Valentine’s Day decoration for male same-sex couples. Well, assuming the birds are cardinals.

5. A white wine bottle should always come with some hearts.

Each heart is pink and red while held to a string. All in all this is quite lovely.

Each heart is pink and red while held to a string. All in all this is quite lovely.

6. A Valentine’s Day wreath should have stuffed felt hearts all around.

The red ones have a pink stitch in the middle. The white ones have a ribbon and button.

The red ones have a pink stitch in the middle. The white ones have a ribbon and button.

7. Got an unused picture frame? Hope you can hang a few shiny hearts.

Don't forget to put a pink ribbon on top. And paint the frame red while you're at it.

Don’t forget to put a pink bow on top. And paint the frame red while you’re at it.

8. A Valentine pillow should always have a secret pocket at the heart.

Because it should always have a love note in place. Still, both pillow and love note are made from the same materials.

Because it should always have a love note in place. Still, both pillow and love note are made from the same materials.

9. For Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with a hugs and kisses ladder.

Okay, this is pretty ingenious that even I couldn't think of that. Love the hearts.

Okay, this is pretty ingenious that even I couldn’t think of that. Love the hearts.

10. Send a crocheted valentine to somebody close to your heart.

Though that special someone might not get the message. But I do like the heart button stamp.

Though that special someone might not get the message. But I do like the heart button stamp.

11. Nothing can drive these lovebirds apart this Valentine’s Day.

This might be a wedding cake topper. But it also can work as V-Day decorations. Still, the birds are so cute.

This might be a wedding cake topper. But it also can work as V-Day decorations. Still, the birds are so cute.

12. A V-Day tulle wreath should have some hearts for good measure.

Well, it's not totally pink. But the colors seem to run together. Like the hearts.

Well, it’s not totally pink. But the colors seem to run together. Like the hearts.

13. There’s nothing sweeter than a box of chocolates at your front door.

Though know these chocolates aren't exactly real. But you'd never know what you'd get from them.

Though know these chocolates aren’t exactly real. But you’d never know what you’d get from them.

14. A heart wreath should come with some red berries.

Well, the berries are fake and sure aren't holly. But they'll do. Love the hearts on the bow, too.

Well, the berries are fake and sure aren’t holly. But they’ll do. Love the hearts on the bow, too.

15. These Valentine’s Day pillows always give so much to love.

Each one has sayings on them with the letters in different colors and patterns. Comes in a set of 3.

Each one has sayings on them with the letters in different colors and patterns. Comes in a set of 3.

16. This crocheted pink rose makes an ideal V-Day corsage.

Then again, I'm not sure if it was made to be a corsage. But it's certainly a rose.

Then again, I’m not sure if it was made to be a corsage. But it’s certainly a rose.

17. For a more naturalistic V-Day, this heart wreath comes with all the flowers.

Seems like this one has all the floral trimmings you can ask for on your front door. Wouldn't mind having this.

Seems like this one has all the floral trimmings you can ask for on your front door. Wouldn’t mind having this.

18. An ivy heart wreath can always come with some red hearts.

Actually it seems to have red hearts and ribbons all over it. Might be used for spring if it weren't for the V-Day trimmings.

Actually it seems to have red hearts and ribbons all over it. Might be used for spring if it weren’t for the V-Day trimmings.

19. Nobody could resist a heart made from red buttons.

Doesn't hurt if there's a heart necklace at the center along with a gingham bow. Love this.

Doesn’t hurt if there’s a heart necklace at the center along with a gingham bow. Love this.

20. Don’t like wreaths? Well, this heart hanging will lift your V-Day spirits.

Sure it kind of resembles a Christmas decoration. But we should take note of the heart ribbon and chocolate box.

Sure it kind of resembles a Christmas decoration. But we should take note of the heart ribbon and chocolate box.

21. Count down the days to Valentine’s Day with this pillow of hearts.

Well, it consists of 14 hearts with ribbons on them. Great for any Valentine's Day.

Well, it consists of 14 hearts with ribbons on them. Great for any Valentine’s Day.

22. This Valentine yarn wreath contains 4 hearts in the center.

Well, it's a lovely wreath of white and pink. But most of the hearts are red.

Well, it’s a lovely wreath of white and pink. But most of the hearts are red.

23. A white feather heart always inspires warm and fuzzy emotions.

Sure it may not seem like much. But I think it's lovely in its own way. Besides, white's a V-Day color though more used as an accent.

Sure it may not seem like much. But I think it’s lovely in its own way. Besides, white’s a V-Day color though more used as an accent.

24. These wooden hearts contain plants and a key.

The plants in the jars may not be real. But you have to love how they come with keys to signify a lovely gesture.

The plants in the jars may not be real. But you have to love how they come with keys to signify a lovely gesture.

25. A love pillow will always give you watch you need.

Doesn't hurt that it has some hearts stitched on it, too. Though not sure about having the letters in cursive.

Doesn’t hurt that it has some hearts stitched on it, too. Though not sure about having the letters in cursive.

26. Each heart on this wreath says something special.

Well, they're usually sayings you'd find on valentines. And they're sure to make you feel all sentimental.

Well, they’re usually sayings you’d find on valentines. And they’re sure to make you feel all sentimental.

27. A bauble heart wreath can always have its love shining through.

Doesn't hurt if the baubles are red and pink and are trimmed with tinsel. All in all lovely.

Doesn’t hurt if the baubles are red and pink and are trimmed with tinsel. All in all lovely.

28. This garden urn is all full of hearts this Valentine’s Day.

Well, the hearts are in all different colors. But I like the bow best of all.

Well, the hearts are in all different colors. But I like the bow best of all.

29. Fancy hearts, flowers, and ribbons should always be on a wreath.

Now this one seems like you'd put it on someone's gravestone. Though it surely looks lovely on any front door.

Now this one seems like you’d put it on someone’s gravestone. Though it surely looks lovely on any front door.

30. You can always send a valentine in a crocheted envelope.

And you can use them over and over again. Come in 3 colors with a heart seal.

And you can use them over and over again. Come in 3 colors with a heart seal.

31. These flowers have come attached with a kiss.

Though the flowers are fake and used as a front door bouquet decoration. Still, if you don't want a wreath, this will certainly do.

Though the flowers are fake and used as a front door bouquet decoration. Still, if you don’t want a wreath, this will certainly do.

32. Show the love on Valentine’s Day with these heart towels.

Though these seem more made for the kitchen than the bathroom. Nevertheless, they're white with pink decorations and red fringe.

Though these seem more made for the kitchen than the bathroom. Nevertheless, they’re white with pink decorations and red fringe.

33. Cupid’s 3 arrows of one can always be joined as one with a pink bow.

Now these look quite easy to make. Just have feathers, twigs, ribbon, and red hearts.

Now these look quite easy to make. Just have feathers, twigs, ribbon, and red hearts.

34. Love lives here with these wings and arrows.

I bet this hanging is supposed to represent Cupid or Eros. Though often depicted as an angel baby, he's not.

I bet this hanging is supposed to represent Cupid or Eros. Though often depicted as an angel baby, he’s not.

35. With all these bottles together, they all spell love.

I'm always amazed by what people can do with old wine bottles around. Though I sometimes wonder why'd they have so many in the first place.

I’m always amazed by what people can do with old wine bottles around. Though I sometimes wonder why’d they have so many in the first place.

36. A wire heart only requires few flowers.

And if it weren't for the flowers, you might barely see it. Still, I think it's beautiful.

And if it weren’t for the flowers, you might barely see it. Still, I think it’s beautiful.

37. Crocheted chocolates always make a great gift to your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day.

Well, this is in a square box. Yet, though you can't eat any of them, they're sure adorable to behold.

Well, this is in a square box. Yet, though you can’t eat any of them, they’re sure adorable to behold.

38. Show your sweetheart you care this Valentine’s Day with this heart bouquet.

Yes, it may profess love. But make sure they feel the same way about you before you give it to them.

Yes, it may profess love. But make sure they feel the same way about you before you give it to them.

39. A wreath of red flowers can always send a lovely message.

Well, it certainly shows it loud and clear in a heart. Love the red flowers.

Well, it certainly shows it loud and clear in a heart. Love the red flowers.

40. This red burlap heart wreath comes with its own striped bow.

Well, that's quite a rustic looking wreath though made from burlap. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Well, that’s quite a rustic looking wreath though made from burlap. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

41. Curl up with your sweetheart this Valentine’s Day with this crocheted heart pillow.

Comes with lace edging and a pink bow. Sure it might seem a bit girly but it's lovely.

Comes with lace edging and a pink bow. Sure it might seem a bit girly but it’s lovely.

42. This tulle heart wreath will bring you nothing but love.

It even has the word love in the center. And the tulle is in red, white and pink.

It even has the word love in the center. And the tulle is in red, white and pink.

43. Seems like Cupid’s arrow just shot through this wreath.

Actually it was made that way. Though I do think the arrow gives a nice finishing touch.

Actually it was made that way. Though I do think the arrow gives a nice finishing touch.

44. Felt roses can always make a heart wreath joy.

This is especially when the wreath is made from sticks. Seems like I have a lot of wreaths on this post for some reason.

This is especially when the wreath is made from sticks. Seems like I have a lot of wreaths on this post for some reason.

45. How about give your sweetheart crocheted chocolates in a crocheted heart box?

Now that seems more fitting for Valentine's Day for some reason. Though I think it's quite wonderful. Not sure about some of the packaging though.

Now that seems more fitting for Valentine’s Day for some reason. Though I think it’s quite wonderful. Not sure about some of the packaging though.

46. There’s nothing that shows the love on Valentine’s Day like a heart wreath filled with roses.

Well, it has roses and other flowers. And yes, it looks like it comes from a store. But it's quite stunning nonetheless.

Well, it has roses and other flowers. And yes, it looks like it comes from a store. But it’s quite stunning nonetheless.

47. A candy heart of candy hearts should always be sweet in a frame.

Because these candy hearts sure aren't great tasting candies. More like a combination of chalk and sugar.

Because these candy hearts sure aren’t great tasting candies. More like a combination of chalk and sugar.

48. A wooden palette heart like this always speaks of love’s endurance.

Well, that's a nice sentiment to put one one's front door. Love how it has deco mesh trimmings.

Well, that’s a nice sentiment to put one one’s front door. Love how it has deco mesh trimmings.

49. A crocheted heart pot holder is used to any kind of burn.

Well, as long as it's in the kitchen. Still, doesn't need to be too fancy.

Well, as long as it’s in the kitchen. Still, doesn’t need to be too fancy.

50. A bouquet of crocheted roses is almost as great as the real thing.

Except you never have to throw these roses out. For they can last year after year.

Except you never have to throw these roses out. For they can last year after year.

51. A pink yarn wreath can never have too many hearts.

Well, these have red hearts in the center hanging from string. While the wreath has white and red ones on its side.

Well, these have red hearts in the center hanging from string. While the wreath has white and red ones on its side.

52. All this silver heart wreath has to offer is love.

It even has a an arrow struck through it with a heart end. Love it.

It even has a an arrow struck through it with a heart end. Love it.

53. With wine bottles you can make a wonderful display to show your love this Valentine’s Day.

You can even put stuff inside them like berry branches or hearts. All in all, quite stunning to say the least.

You can even put stuff inside them like berry branches or hearts. All in all, quite stunning to say the least.

54. Tell your sweetheart you light up their lives with this glass block this Valentine’s Day.

It even lights up and has hearts on it. Love the bow though.

It even lights up and has hearts on it. Love the bow though.

55. There’s nothing fuzzier on Valentine’s Day like a pink feather wreath.

Well, it certainly seems like something you'd put on your front door. Then again, these kind of wreaths might make a mess.

Well, it certainly seems like something you’d put on your front door. Then again, these kind of wreaths might make a mess.

56. A burlap envelope comes all full with love letters.

Well, these aren't actually love letters. But it surely makes a lovely decoration.

Well, these aren’t actually love letters. But it surely makes a lovely decoration.

57. A candy hearts wreath can bring a lot of sweetness and light.

Well, at least this put the candy chalk hearts into good use. Love the bow, too.

Well, at least this put the candy chalk hearts into good use. Love the bow, too.

58. You can always say “Be Mine” with large wooden tags.

Doesn't hurt if they're bordered with hearts. Makes a nice door hanging.

Doesn’t hurt if they’re bordered with hearts. Makes a nice door hanging.

59. A wooden heart with green always gives a rustic touch.

Well, this is a lovely decoration for V-Day. Love the bow. Not sure about the foliage.

Well, this is a lovely decoration for V-Day. Love the bow. Not sure about the foliage.

60. No wreath on Valentine’s Day can ever be as welcoming as this one.

After all, it says love in wooden letters. Love the flowers and berry branches, too.

After all, it says love in wooden letters. Love the flowers and berry branches, too.

61. This glass block is bursting with lights and hearts.

Doesn't hurt that it has some silver tinsel inside. Nevertheless, it's as good as gold.

Doesn’t hurt that it has some silver tinsel inside. Nevertheless, it’s as good as gold.

62. There’s nothing better on Valentine’s Day like a corked heart.

Well, it's a heart made out of corks. Sure it may say love, but you have to wonder if drinking was involved in the creation.

Well, it’s a heart made out of corks. Sure it may say love, but you have to wonder if drinking was involved in the creation.

63. Hearts don’t always have to be red, white, or pink for V-Day.

On this wreath, you'd find hearts of all kinds of colors and sizes. For those who aren't fond of pink, this is for you.

On this wreath, you’d find hearts of all kinds of colors and sizes. For those who aren’t fond of pink, this is for you.

64. A V-Day place setting should always include hearts.

This ncludes a heart place mat, a heart closer, and a red silverware holder. Great for parties.

This ncludes a heart place mat, a heart closer, and a red silverware holder. Great for parties.

65. You can always make a simple bouquet from craft supplies.

And you don't have to throw out the flowers. Though you might make some think you're using scrunchies for the wrong purpose.

And you don’t have to throw out the flowers. Though you might make some think you’re using scrunchies for the wrong purpose.

66. A Valentine owl is always worth hooting for.

This one has "Owl" instead of "I'll." Nevertheless, it's so adorable that any child will love it.

This one has “Owl” instead of “I’ll.” Nevertheless, it’s so adorable that any child will love it.

67. A banner of love is perfect for a front door on Valentine’s Day.

Well, this is quite rustic but it'll surely melt hearts all around. Love the bow.

Well, this is quite rustic but it’ll surely melt hearts all around. Love the bow.

68. Be the hostess with the mostess this Valentine’s Day with your sweetheart hostess apron.

It has hearts all over it along with cute little pockets. Great for any V-Day party.

It has hearts all over it along with cute little pockets. Great for any V-Day party.

69. These XO pillows are all hugs and kisses.

I know don't use X's and O's for kisses and hugs these days. But back then, they didn't have emojis.

I know don’t use X’s and O’s for kisses and hugs these days. But back then, they didn’t have emojis.

70. A wreath with hearts spreads love all around.

Each heart is in pink, white, and red. And they're all surrounded by pink flowers.

Each heart is in pink, white, and red. And they’re all surrounded by pink flowers.

71. Make your love light up with this marquee style heart.

You have to admire how people can do these craft projects that require electricity. Still, this shines on.

You have to admire how people can do these craft projects that require electricity. Still, this shines on.

72. Or you can light up your love like this.

Well, it's quite elaborate. But sometimes you have to go all out.

Well, it’s quite elaborate. But sometimes you have to go all out.

73. These small felt hearts will surely make you smile.

Each one has s smile and blushing cheeks. Many are used for pins. So cute.

Each one has s smile and blushing cheeks. Many are used for pins. So cute.

74. This Valentine’s Day sheep pillow will inspire woolly feelings of warmth.

A couple of the sheep even have hearts on their fleece and are stacked against each other. So adorable.

A couple of the sheep even have hearts on their fleece and are stacked against each other. So adorable.

75. Keep your cold hands warm this Valentine’s Day with these candy heart mittens.

Contains candy hearts of different colors. Though the real stuff is chalky, the pattern is sweet.

Contains candy hearts of different colors. Though the real stuff is chalky, the pattern is sweet.

76. Send your V-Day gift with love in this crocheted tote bag.

It's pink with tiny red hearts on it. Now that I think of it, it's a great gift unto itself.

It’s pink with tiny red hearts on it. Now that I think of it, it’s a great gift unto itself.

77. A basket of roses for Valentine’s Day is always great for your front door.

This is called a rose wreath. But it's not a rose wreath. It's roses in a basket. Know the difference.

This is called a rose wreath. But it’s not a rose wreath. It’s roses in a basket. Know the difference.

78. These crocheted heart pillows have pockets for valentines.

Now you have a place to put your love notes. Well, if you have a sweetheart anyway.

Now you have a place to put your love notes. Well, if you have a sweetheart anyway.

79. This crocheted Valentine hat is all red with hearts.

Even has bows to go with it. Probably for some young girl but it's cute.

Even has bows to go with it. Probably for some young girl but it’s cute.

80. This rosy choker scarf will keep your neck nice and cozy.

Well, these are magenta roses. But it surely looks quite stylish to say the least.

Well, these are magenta roses. But it surely looks quite stylish to say the least.

81. Nobody can resist crocheted chocolates from a pink heart box.

Because they're soft and smushy. Love the heart decoration on the lid.

Because they’re soft and smushy. Love the heart decoration on the lid.

82. This rainbow heart mobile will delight any little ones with love.

Bet this is used for a little girl's room. Yet, I think it's a rather enchanting design.

Bet this is used for a little girl’s room. Yet, I think it’s a rather enchanting design.

83. Nothing beats a heart wreath with crocheted flowers.

Helps that the flowers aren't roses and are in different colors. Love the button centers.

Helps that the flowers aren’t roses and are in different colors. Love the button centers.

84. Catch the light with this Valentine heart suncatcher.

Well, it's certainly a valentine heart all right. Love how the glass around it makes up the lace.

Well, it’s certainly a valentine heart all right. Love how the glass around it makes up the lace.

85. Keep yourself warm this Valentine’s Day by curling up in a Valentine Hearts afghan.

Comes in a great patchwork design with hearts of red, pink, and purple. Love it.

Comes in a great patchwork design with hearts of red, pink, and purple. Love it.

86. Make your Valentine’s Day fancy with this doily of hearts.

Each red heart is surrounded with lace and has a pink bow. All in all, so beautiful.

Each red heart is surrounded with lace and has a pink bow. All in all, so beautiful.

87. This little Love Bug will melt your heart.

Or make your heart flutter you want to cuddle it. Oh, so adorable.

Or make your heart flutter you want to cuddle it. Oh, so adorable.

88. Look extra lovely this Valentine’s Day with these crocheted heart earrings.

Well, they might weigh heavy on me. However, they sure look quite cute.

Well, they might weigh heavy on me. However, they sure look quite cute.

89. This crocheted heart buddy just wants some love.

Here the heart is holding a cute little valentine. Love the bow on the head. Adorable.

Here the heart is holding a cute little valentine. Love the bow on the head. Adorable.

90. This amigurumi girl gives out her heart for Valentine’s Day.

Well, she's such a sweetie. Sure pink and red don't always go together. But here I make an exception.

Well, she’s such a sweetie. Sure pink and red don’t always go together. But here I make an exception.

91. If you like white roses, then you’d want to curl up with this crocheted Valentine’s Day pillow.

This one even has lace on the edging. Love it.

This one even has lace on the edging. Love the design, too.

92. A heart wreath of roses should come with a white wooden frame.

Doesn't hurt if the frame is decorated with berry branches. Still, the roses are beautiful.

Doesn’t hurt if the frame is decorated with berry branches. Still, the roses are beautiful.

93. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a wall hanging of a red yo-yo heart.

By the way, yo-yo is the style. Don't ask me why. there are some quilting terms I don't understand.

By the way, yo-yo is the style. Don’t ask me why. there are some quilting terms I don’t understand.

94. This Valentine’s Day quilt of cascading hearts is surely a sight to see.

Well, it has a 3 dimensional look to it. Love the hearts coming down from a distance.

Well, it has a 3 dimensional look to it. Love the hearts coming down from a distance.

95. This V-Day quilt contains an urn with hearts of all kinds.

Each heart has different colors and patterns. So lovely if you ask me.

Each heart has different colors and patterns. So lovely if you ask me.

96. A Valentine’s Day wreath should have a heart of gold.

And it's surely an ornate one at that. Love how the small hearts make it look like a red snowflake.

And it’s surely an ornate one at that. Love how the small hearts make it look like a red snowflake.

97. There’s nothing sweeter than a V-Day wreath of chocolates.

Well, the chocolates aren't real. Love the saying "Life Is Sweet."

Well, the chocolates aren’t real. Love the saying “Life Is Sweet.”

98. For even more sweet times, you might enjoy this candy heart wreath.

Each heart has a sweet saying among a pastel wreath. So lovely.

Each heart has a sweet saying among a pastel wreath. So lovely.

99. Make Valentine’s Day a sweet occasion with a candy hearts bouquet.

It has fake pink roses on the top. But at least the candy hearts are put to better use.

It has fake pink roses on the top. But at least the candy hearts are put to better use.

100. This Valentine’s Day tree gives you all to love.

Because why put away the Christmas tree just yet when you can decorate it with hearts? Nevertheless, I'm not sure if I understand.

Because why put away the Christmas tree just yet when you can decorate it with hearts? Nevertheless, I’m not sure if I understand.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Fourth Edition)

6722051157d0f740e05acb93184f0656.jpg

Now that I got some Fuckface von Clownstick inaugural angst out of the way, I should now get into the Valentine’s Day posts. And what better way to start off than with a collection of political incorrectness of crazy vintage valentines? I mean these posts have been quite successful for some time and I know plenty might see it as the only fun part of the holiday. Because like me, there are many people who spend Valentine’s Day single and sometimes going to the store seeing the hearts, candy, stuffed toys, and what not can really get to you. Of course, when people think of valentine cards, they think cutesy heart cards like this one above depicting a couple in love. Yet, if I devoted a post to all the lovey dovey valentines, you’d probably throw up. So instead, I decided to go with vintage valentines that you wouldn’t believe actually existed. I mean people sent these to each other. So I give you yet another installment of unruly vintage valentines for you to love in an unintentionally hilarious way.

  1. If you receive a valentine like this, then your sweetheart must work for the Pentagon.
Okay, I don't think weapons inspired valentines are a good idea. And phallic imagery is the least of my worries here.

Okay, I don’t think weapons inspired valentines are a good idea. And phallic imagery is the least of my worries here.

2. For your Semper Fi sweetheart, this Marine valentine is a real marine.

And here he's preparing to shoot off his gun. Doesn't help that the sentiment includes "aim to make you mine." Mine what? Shooting target?

And here he’s preparing to shoot off his gun. Doesn’t help that the sentiment includes “aim to make you mine.” Mine what? Shooting target?

3. Guess it seems time for a commercial on this one.

Hey, I'm all for grand expressions of love and all. But a televised valentine is just going way too far. Seriously, you need help.

Hey, I’m all for grand expressions of love and all. But a televised valentine is just going way too far. Seriously, you need help.

4. Nothing says romance on Valentine’s Day like allusions to shellfish.

It's also a marriage proposal card, too, which is even more disturbing. I mean unless it's on a plate, do lobsters ever scream romance? No.

It’s also a marriage proposal card, too, which is even more disturbing. I mean unless it’s on a plate, do lobsters ever scream romance? No.

5. Speaking of sea life, check out this crazed fish hungry for a valentine.

I know this is supposed to be a fish but the fact it has a snout full of teeth kind of baffles me. Not to mention, it's wearing some sort of skimpy diving outfit.

I know this is supposed to be a fish but the fact it has a snout full of teeth kind of baffles me. Not to mention, it’s wearing some sort of skimpy diving outfit.

6. Nothing will make you feel valued like a valentine featuring a calf.

Uh, I don't think you'd want to use the word "veal" when pertaining to a calf. Also, it seems to stomp on the valentine.

Uh, I don’t think you’d want to use the word “veal” when pertaining to a calf. Also, it seems to stomp on the valentine.

7. “Okay, no tricky moves from you! This is a hold up, see?”

I guess the sex costume here is Wild West prostitute who's armed and dangerous. Then again, I think a guy might want to stay away from her.

I guess the sex costume here is Wild West prostitute who’s armed and dangerous. Then again, I think a guy might want to stay away from her.

8. “I’m prepared to meet your best defense, Valentine, so you’d better be mine!”

Okay, I think this boy might as well give up. No need for the wooden swords and pots and pans. If she doesn't want him, she doesn't want him. He can't force himself on her.

Okay, I think this boy might as well give up. No need for the wooden swords and pots and pans. If she doesn’t want him, she doesn’t want him. He can’t force himself on her.

9. This Native American prefers to have a heart roasted.

Okay, this is kind of offensive to Native Americans. If the heart roasting doesn't raise eyebrows, the speech should.

Okay, this is kind of offensive to Native Americans. If the heart roasting doesn’t raise eyebrows, the speech should.

10. “Gosh, Valentine, don’t you just like me a ‘weenie bit?'”

Of course, this can also be interpreted as, "I'm so desperate for a girlfriend that I'll settle for anything at this point." Also, don't tell me 'weenie bit' means what I think it does.

Of course, this can also be interpreted as, “I’m so desperate for a girlfriend that I’ll settle for anything at this point.” Also, don’t tell me ‘weenie bit’ means what I think it does.

11. “Hose your valentine? Me!”

From Buzzfeed: "I believe there is now an Adult film with this title." Yeah, he seems to be squeezing the nozzle a little too hard.

From Buzzfeed: “I believe there is now an Adult film with this title.” Yeah, he seems to be squeezing the nozzle a little too hard.

12. “Can’t measure my love!”

But if you can't measure one's love, what can you measure? Oh, wait, I think I see what might be going on here.

But if you can’t measure one’s love, what can you measure? Oh, wait, I think I see what might be going on here.

13. Happy Valentine’s Day, now enjoy this picture of a creepy clown dog on the violin.

This dog fiddler is the stuff of nightmares. It's not cute, especially since it has crossed eyes. Look away, I beg of you.

This dog fiddler is the stuff of nightmares. It’s not cute, especially since it has crossed eyes. Look away, I beg of you.

14. Speaking of clowns, hope this one doesn’t play a joke.

Okay, this clown makes the Joker seem like the guy you'd want to bring to a kid's birthday party. Even more disturbing is how he has his hand sticking out of the heart. Creepy.

Okay, this clown makes the Joker seem like the guy you’d want to bring to a kid’s birthday party. Even more disturbing is how he has his hand sticking out of the heart. Creepy.

15. Celebrate Valentine’s Day with love in a sausage.

However, judging by the sausage, this guy may not be looking for love. Yeah, I'm not fooled by the sausage bit.

However, judging by the sausage, this guy may not be looking for love. Yeah, I’m not fooled by the sausage bit.

16. “A valentine for you, I can’t help ‘mooning over you!'”

But explain to me how that rocket seems conveniently located between this girl's legs. Oh, and she's holding a rocket in her hand. I think I know why she might be mooning.

But explain to me how that rocket seems conveniently located between this girl’s legs. Oh, and she’s holding a rocket in her hand. I think I know why she might be mooning.

17. “I don’t want you to be my brother, I want you to be my valentine!”

Okay, that message is a little creepy and I saw Luke kissing Leia in The Empire Strikes Back. However, that woman's face makes me even more uncomfortable because the skin tones certain'y don't match.

Okay, that message is a little creepy and I saw Luke kissing Leia in The Empire Strikes Back. However, that woman’s face makes me even more uncomfortable because the skin tones certain’y don’t match.

18. “Come down ‘off your perch’ and be my valentine, you’d be a ‘birdie.'”

The fact she says this in a bird cage really makes me cringe. I guess she really wants a guy to get her out of there.

The fact she says this in a bird cage really makes me cringe. I guess she really wants a guy to get her out of there.

19. “Do you ‘tank’ you could love me?”

Not if you aim an actual tank at me asking that question. Seriously, military weapons have no place in valentines at all.

Not if you aim an actual tank at me asking that question. Seriously, military weapons have no place in valentines at all.

20. “I’m gonna plow right in and ask you to be my valentine.”

Okay, I really don't have a great feeling about this. But at least it's not being particularly forceful as far as I'm concerned.

Okay, I really don’t have a great feeling about this. But at least it’s not being particularly forceful as far as I’m concerned.

21. “I’ll camp and tramp until I find a girl like you for my valentine!”

So I guess this guy says, "So you better settle down with me or else, I'm going to spend my days as a homeless guy." Also helps if the girl's loaded with cash.

So I guess this guy says, “So you better settle down with me or else, I’m going to spend my days as a homeless guy.” Also helps if the girl’s loaded with cash.

22. Lovers, always beware of Cupid.

Is Cupid supposed to be the African tribesman that's depicted in highly racist caricature? Got it.

Is Cupid supposed to be the African tribesman that’s depicted in highly racist caricature? Got it.

23. “To be ‘frank,’ you’re ‘hot stuff!'”

Sure she may look innocent with her hotdog and fire tongs. But there's fire down below and she's holding the hotdog a little too tight.

Sure she may look innocent with her hotdog and fire tongs. But there’s fire down below and she’s holding the hotdog a little too tight.

24. This archer aims for your heart.

But whether he means to love you or kill you, I can't actually decide. But he seems to have his bow and arrows out either way.

But whether he means to love you or kill you, I can’t actually decide. But he seems to have his bow and arrows out either way.

25. “Want a little ‘harem scarem,’ for your valentine?”

Uh, girl, do you know what a harem is? If you do, are implying that you want group sex or an open relationship? Or do you just want to wear a skimpy costume?

Uh, girl, do you know what a harem is? If you do, are implying that you want group sex or an open relationship? Or do you just want to wear a skimpy costume?

26. “I’ve got my eyes on you, dear valentine!”

However, a girl with a heart head is the stuff of nightmares. No, that's not cute. That's terrifying for a V-Day horror movie.

However, a girl with a heart head is the stuff of nightmares. No, that’s not cute. That’s terrifying for a V-Day horror movie.

27. “I love being ;pushed around,’ valentine! I’m yours!”

You mean pushed around sucking real loud? Because that's what vacuums do. Oh, wait, that's kind of dirty.

You mean pushed around sucking real loud? Because that’s what vacuums do. Oh, wait, that’s kind of dirty.

28. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like being aimed at with a machine gun.

Sure that's a military themed valentine. But still, having a machine gun in one is just fucked up. Seriously, why?

Sure that’s a military themed valentine. But still, having a machine gun in one is just fucked up. Seriously, why?

29. Speaking of military weapons, get a load of this cannon.

Seems like he's a bit happier than expected. Hope the large gun isn't a metaphor for an erection.

Seems like he’s a bit happier than expected. Hope the large gun isn’t a metaphor for an erection.

30. As we all know, a nudist is bad at hiding who she fancies.

I know what you're thinking. How can they have a naked girl on a valentine like this? I'm still asking that question. Yes, she needs to get some clothes on.

I know what you’re thinking. How can they have a naked girl on a valentine like this? I’m still asking that question. Yes, she needs to get some clothes on.

31. “My heart pants for you!”

And it's hung with a bunch of women's undies on the clothes line. I can guess the hidden meaning behind that one.

And it’s hung with a bunch of women’s undies on the clothes line. I can guess the hidden meaning behind that one.

32. “You will get a big piece if you will be my valentine!”

Sorry, but a dog butcher doesn't make this valentine any less disturbing. This is especially when it has a heart on table and cleaver in paw.

Sorry, but a dog butcher doesn’t make this valentine any less disturbing. This is especially when it has a heart on table and cleaver in paw.

33. “Light of my life, do I satisfy?”

Now that can be read in any number of ways. One of them being sexually which might be what this tom cat is implying.

Now that can be read in any number of ways. One of them being sexually which might be what this tom cat is implying.

34. This Valentine’s Day, you should always have 2 on a seesaw.

Up, down, just decide and don't lead on. Of course, there are those who tend to play games with people's hearts on the playground.

Up, down, just decide and don’t lead on. Of course, there are those who tend to play games with people’s hearts on the playground.

35. Hand over your heart, or else.

Because nothing says Valentine's Day like the threat of lethal violence. How romantic!

Because nothing says Valentine’s Day like the threat of lethal violence. How romantic!

36. “I will have an axe to grind unless you’ll be my valentine!”

So I guess this means, "If you say no, I shall have to chop you to pieces." Sorry, but I'll take that risk.

So I guess this means, “If you say no, I shall have to chop you to pieces.” Sorry, but I’ll take that risk.

37. Any boy would wish to have a space themed valentine.

Kind of reminds me of Slim Pickens riding on a missile in Dr. Strangelove. Then again, it might imply something dirtier.

Kind of reminds me of Slim Pickens riding on a missile in Dr. Strangelove. Then again, it might imply something dirtier.

38. “You’re my valentine, sure as shooting.”

And he has his gun aimed like a true buckaroo. Yes, I find these gun valentines quite disturbing as always.

And he has his gun aimed like a true buckaroo. Yes, I find these gun valentines quite disturbing as always.

39. Looks like some fox’s got caught in a trap.

And he needs his valentine to open it to let his tail out. Or else he'd die. But in the meantime, he'll just sit and smell the flowers. No need to hurry.

And he needs his valentine to open it to let his tail out. Or else he’d die. But in the meantime, he’ll just sit and smell the flowers. No need to hurry.

40. Happy Valentine’s Day from the girl who’s trying to lose weight for you.

By the way, that's an old weight loss contraption called a fan belt. And no, it doesn't work. Still, ladies, if you try to lose weight, don't do it for a man.

By the way, that’s an old weight loss contraption called a fan belt. And no, it doesn’t work. Still, ladies, if you try to lose weight, don’t do it for a man.

41. Even sharks need some loving some time.

However, this green suited guy is a card shark. So I don't think he's the best kind of boyfriend. Because he might have a gambling problem. Or eat you alive.

However, this green suited guy is a card shark. So I don’t think he’s the best kind of boyfriend. Because he might have a gambling problem. Or eat you alive.

42. “Slicing baloney is not my line. I love you, my valentine.”

Okay, I might want to stay away from this creepy butcher. Really don't need that in my life.

Okay, I might want to stay away from this creepy butcher. Really don’t need that in my life.

43. If you want to show your appreciation to your teacher, this is the valentine for you.

On the other hand, teacher-student relationships should never be encouraged in any circumstances whatsoever. Doesn't help the kid is dressed in a sailor suit and holding a ruler.

On the other hand, teacher-student relationships should never be encouraged in any circumstances whatsoever. Doesn’t help the kid is dressed in a sailor suit and holding a ruler.

44. “I’m ready to show plenty of action, valentine, if you consent to be mine.”

Well, at least this boy is better about consent then the guys in some of these cards. But the projection is still kind of dirty.

Well, at least this boy is better about consent then the guys in some of these cards. But the projection is still kind of dirty.

45. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like being just out of the shower.

It's valentines like these that make me suspect that these vintage cards were made for adults. This especially goes for the ones with people naked like this.

It’s valentines like these that make me suspect that these vintage cards were made for adults. This especially goes for the ones with people naked like this.

46. “Let’s have a real blow out today!”

Or is it supposed to be blowjob? Because that's how I take it away from this picture.

Or is it supposed to be blowjob? Because that’s how I take it away from this picture.

47. Here’s a card that says, “Be my valentine, I’ll do anything like the housework.”

Well, this boy may not have much going for him. But he'll probably succeed in picking up chicks though he may not like doing chores.

Well, this boy may not have much going for him. But he’ll probably succeed in picking up chicks though he may not like doing chores. Still, he’s kind of creepy.

48. “Pick out a heart but be sure it’s mine, valentine!”

Hmmm...not sure if that's going to work since the two really don't see eye to eye. This particularly the case when one has a freakishly long neck like an ostrich or a giraffe.

Hmmm…not sure if that’s going to work since the two really don’t see eye to eye. This particularly the case when one has a freakishly long neck like an ostrich or a giraffe.

49. “Don’t be afraid, you’re going to be my valentine!”

Uh, girl, you have every right to be afraid right now. Because you're being pursued by a monstrous shadow with a card. Yeah, run for your life now.

Uh, girl, you have every right to be afraid right now. Because you’re being pursued by a monstrous shadow with a card. Yeah, run for your life now.

50. If you won’t be mind, then I’ll fade away until I’m all bones, you bonehead.

I'm sure this would be perfect if your sweetheart's a goth. Still, such sentiments from someone might mean they really need a therapist.

I’m sure this would be perfect if your sweetheart’s a goth. Still, such sentiments from someone might mean they really need a therapist.

They Made a Show Out of This? Stupid Reality TV Shows: Part 10 – House Hunters to The Hills

Seems like we’ve made it to the end of this series on reality shows. Even if you’re a diehard reality show fan, I hope you can walk away from this blog series without being too offended. For I don’t really mean to let you down on some of your favorites. Or at least understand that what you see on reality shows isn’t always real or accurate. But if you’re like me and don’t like reality shows at all, then I hope you can find some satisfaction that the world of such television is about as fake, sleazy, and contrived as you thought it would be. Nevertheless, I think it’s important to understand the concepts behind a lot of these shows as well as the questionable ethics employed by production crews. And yes, there’s a lot of manipulation involved. But what disturbs me most when reading about reality TV is how some networks and producers can sink to disturbing new lows for the sake of ratings. And so I bring you the final installment of my bad reality show series.

91. House Hunters

537612669f1e7-image

Though House Hunters is stated to be about families and couples looking for a new home, in reality it’s not the case. Because it’s more likely the family already picked the house while the other two homes belong to their friends.

Station: HGTV

Premise: Follows individuals searching for a new home with help from a real estate agent. In each episode the buyers must decide between 3 properties, ultimately choosing one before the end of the episode. The show concludes by revisiting the buyers in their new home a few weeks or months later, where they describe the changes they’ve made and the effect their new home has on their life.

Why It’s Stupid: In 2012, a former participant told the Hooked on Houses blog that she and her family already picked the house before taping the show. In addition, she said the remaining 2 houses they viewed on TV were really just their friends’ homes. Another participant stated, “The show is not really a reality show. You have to already own the house that gets picked at the end of the show. But the other houses in the show are actually the other houses we considered buying.”

Did it Get Canceled?: It’s still on and with several spin-offs

 

92. Call of the Wildman

TURTLE MAN

Call of the Wildman follows a man who operates a Kentucky backwoods pest removal business. While the show was a hit, Mother Jones did an article exposing him of animal mistreatment with evidence to support.

Station: Animal Planet

Premise: Follows the exploits of Kentucky woodsman Ernie Brown Jr. nicknamed, “The Turtleman.” Aided by his friend and his dog, he operates a nuisance animal removal business while he catches and releases the pesky critters.

Why It’s Stupid:Because it depicts Brown’s Spartan existence in the backwoods of Kentucky, some poverty advocacy groups have expressed concerns that it exploits the stereotypical views of Southerners as being poorly educated, poorly groomed, and impoverished. Then there are detractors stating that while Brown actually does catch animals on his show, the scenarios and animal catching scenes are scripted and faked using appropriated animals instead of naturally occurring events. In 2013, the city of Danville, Kentucky released an investigation report that the city parks department and the crew failed to obtain the required approvals before releasing poisonous snakes into a local public pool in order to stage an apparent poisonous snake infestation there. In addition, the Kentucky Reptile Zoo director identified the species of snakes used in the scene as not indigenous to where the scene was filmed. Thus, making it impossible for the scene to occur naturally. In addition, after a seven-month investigation, Mother Jones published an expose on the show including testimony and supporting evidence that the crew obtained an opossum from a wildlife rescue in order to fake a supposed wildlife infestation at a Lexington fraternity house. They also discussed a baby raccoon dying from an apparent lack of appropriate food and medical care after being in Brown’s supposed possession for several days amongst numerous other actions against Brown and the crew. Since the release of the Mother Jones report, Kentucky state agencies have increased scrutiny of Brown because some records filed with Kentucky Fish and Wildlife that detailed what was captured, released and euthanized on Call of the Wildman appear to have been falsified. The Department of Agriculture also reviewed the situation in order to determine whether Brown or the show’s crew violated the Animal Welfare Act by not having appropriate federal licensing to display regulated animals on television.

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes, but it ran 4 seasons.

 

93. Gold Rush

GOLD RUSH 2

Gold Rush is about men mining gold in the Yukon. If you know anything about past gold rushes, this goes about as you’d expect. Because the most successful miners mined miners, dummy.

Station: Discovery Channel

Premise: Follows various teams of miners mining gold placer deposits in Canada’s Yukon Territory.

Why It’s Stupid: From Thought Catalog: “There has never been a reality show in the history of the world that’s more depressing than Gold Rush. These rugged miners spend tens of thousands of dollars and work grueling hours in order to uncover gold from every corner of the globe. The problem is that most episodes end with the guys spending $80,000 to mine an area and leaving with $400 worth of gold. The show will then cut to their family’s homes being repossessed by the bank as the theme song plays. As awful as that is, I can’t look away.”

Did it Get Canceled?: It’s still on.

 

94. Armed & Famous

armed-and-dangerous

You have to wonder what the producers were thinking to come up with this show. Celebrities as police? Yes, this happened. Ironically someone in Muncie didn’t recognize any of them.

Station: CBS and Vh1

Premise: Follows 5 celebrities as they train to become police officers with the Muncie Police Department in Muncie, Indiana, followed by graduation. After that, the celebrities go on patrol with the same police officers who traditionally ride with the new ones.

Why It’s Stupid: For one, they featured celebrities less famous than who you’d normally see on Dancing with the Stars. Second, a woman named Lyndsay Clements filed a lawsuit over this show claiming her home was wrongfully entered and was questioned by people she didn’t know. LaToya Jackson and Jack Osbourne were named in the suit.

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes, and after one season.

 

95. Who Wants to Marry My Dad?

who-wants-to-marry-my-dad-2

In this show, grown children screen potential mates for their single father. Though seen as romantic, this show is actually very creepy.

Station: NBC

Premise: A dad’s 4 grown children shop for a new stepmother out of 12 ladies for their single dad to marry.

Why It’s Stupid: To be honest, it’s creepy, especially since the women involved are subjected to embarrassing tasks, mind games, lie detector tests, and truth serum while living in a luxurious Southern California mansion. The kids can even watch their dad make out with some of them, too. Sure wanting to help find a good stepmother is one thing. But despite being called “the most romantic show on television,” this is disturbing as hell.

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes, but it ran 2 seasons.

 

96. Mystery Diners

2015-07-09-mystery-diners1

Mystery Diners has people go undercover to spy on potentially disobedient restaurant workers in a sting operation. In reality, most of the participants on this show are paid actors.

Station: Food Network

Premise: Follows an organization of Mystery Diners which at the request of certain owners, go undercover at certain restaurants and set up stings and unseen surveillance cameras to catch misbehaving employees in the act.

Why It’s Stupid: For one, this demonizes a group of people who really get treated like shit in the working world since many of them work on minimum wage, are often victims of wage theft, and have no access to health benefits or any kind of paid leave. Second, the mystery diners and restaurant employees featured on the show are all actors who passed auditions regularly held in Phoenix.

Did it Get Canceled?: It’s still on.

 

97. Alaskan Bush People

alaskan-bush-people-canceled

Though Alaskan Bush People was supposed to follow a family in the Alaskan wilderness, it was later found they live nowhere near in that remote lifestyle. Also they were in court on fraud charges.

Station: Discovery Channel

Premise: Follows the life of a family living deep in the Alaskan wilderness in Chichagof Island.

Why It’s Stupid: The Browns are portrayed as a true wildlife enthusiast Alaskan family who relies on hunting, fishing, and bartering skills to survive the Alaskan wilderness. However, they were recently in court for fraud charges and the LA Times exposed that the Browns doesn’t live the remote, antisocial Alaskan lifestyle the show would lead viewers to believe.

Did it Get Canceled?: It’s still on.

 

98. Lizard Lick Towing

77bc73b86c84c2a9d4c121ffa5c2912d

Lizard Lick Towing follows a tow and repo business in North Carolina. Cracked called it a show about towing mixed in with pro wrestling. Yes, it’s quite fake.

Station: TruTV

Premise: Follows a towing and repossession company in North Carolina.

Why It’s Stupid: As Cracked states, “Either its crew is by far the most inept that has ever operated or they’re putting something in the water around their garage (my guess: They replace it with whiskey), because absolutely every single second of their work life is a goddamned monkey brawl. This is partially entirely because a) they operate with all the tact and professionalism of a dog that has just seen a butthole it would very much like to sniff, and b) literally every person they encounter is a fucking psychopath that would make Hannibal Lecter go, ‘Whoa.’” They later add, “If you hit YouTube, you’ll find scene after scene of these situations, and the more you watch them, the more they start to seem like those dumbass skits WWE likes to air between matches, with all the acting ability that involves. Upon closer inspection, this is because — gasp — that’s pretty much what Lizard Lick Towing is.”

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes but it ran 4 seasons.

 

99. Cribs

cribs_50_cent

Cribs was a hugely popular show on MTV when I was a teenager. If you’re over a certain age, it follows a similar line to Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous which tours the homes of celebrities. However, it was later found that some of these celebrities weren’t being as honest about their lives as they portrayed themselves to be.

Station: MTV

Premise: Camera crews take a tour into a celebrity’s mansion as well as get a glimpse into their lavish lifestyles. Think of it as Lifestyles of the Rich and famous for teenagers. Show has featured tours of the homes of over 185 celebrities, musicians, actors, and athletes.

Why It’s Stupid: Since this show aired, several celebrities have been accused or willingly used other people’s property and claimed them as their own. In 2004, the real owner of Ja Rule’s house sued MTV for alleging unauthorized taping of the interior and damage to the property caused by Ja Rule’s partying. The first MTV episode with Robbie Williams showcased Jane Seymour’s house as his home that he was renting off her. He later admitted to the con and showed off his real home in a later episode. Then there’s 50 Cent with 3 Ferraris that he claimed were his “whips.” In reality they were owned by a private collector who lent them for him for the episode and some music video work. Those are just a few examples.

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes, but it ran 13 years.

 

100. The Hills

6350

The Hills was a show that followed young women trying to make it in LA. Though it was structured like a soap opera, stars later admitted that a lot of the show was staged and were being prodded by production crews. Oh, and much of the problems and relationship drama was fake.

Station: MTV

Premise: Follows the lives of several young women living in Los Angeles, California though it originally focused on Lauren Conrad before she left halfway through and was replaced with Kristen Cavallari. But this show is best remembered for Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

Why It’s Stupid: It was often criticized for tending towards a narrative format more commonly seen in scripted genres including soap operas and appearing to fabricate much of its storyline. Among these include sex tape rumors as well as personal conflict and fights between the women. The costume changes were usually preset by the crew. Spencer and Heidi actually eloped in Mexico but had to marry on-camera due to frantic producers and how their marriage wasn’t valid in the US. A lot of their relationship drama was also scripted for the cameras. Kristen Cavallari’s drug problem was made up. Brody Jenner didn’t hook up with anybody. Audrina Partridge and Lauren Conrad didn’t live in that apartment. And if it weren’t for the show, Lauren would’ve ditched Heidi a long time ago.

Did it Get Canceled?: Yes, but it ran for 6 years.