It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Fourth Edition)

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After Thanksgiving, it’s not unusual to hear Christmas music played in stores as well as on several radio stations. And if you work in the service industry, you’re probably sick of hearing Christmas songs already, especially if they make your ears bleed. Of course, you may also see an array of Christmas albums by some of your favorite recording artists who worked on them during the summer. In some ways, recording a Christmas album might seem like a good idea. After all, some artists have recorded songs that have become holiday classics. Yet, other times a Christmas album might come across as a way to make money and will probably end up in the discount rack at a store near you. Nevertheless, as with any albums, Christmas albums come in a wide variety of covers. Some of them could seem tame like the Johnny Mathis cover above. But others come in covers that are hysterically tacky or in very poor taste. And in that case, you might wonder why anyone though such a design was a good idea. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas album covers.

  1. Gisele MacKenzie: Christmas with Gisele

Apparently, the dogs seem to have others ideas. Also, is she hugging a fur coat?

There’s nothing better than spending Christmas with your dogs.

2. RuPaul: Ho Ho Ho

I’m sure this yuletide drag routine is fine for RuPaul’s Drag Race. But for a Christmas album? Not so much. Also, the title doesn’t help matters either.

Evidently, RuPaul has tried to make forays into the Christmas music scene.

3. Yoko Ono: An Xmas Message from Yoko 1991

This doesn’t seem to be very Christmasy. Nothing here seems to inspire good cheer at all. Just a vast blackness.

Yoko would like to say something for the holiday season.

4. Bette Midler: Cool Yule

Bette Midler looks as if she’s about select tributes on Reaping Day. Not celebrate Christmas.

Didn’t know that Bette Midler was a fan of the Hunger Games.

5. God Jul Onskar

Though Towa couldn’t seem to eke a smile since a fly had been buzzing around her. This was the best she could do.

The whole gang would like to wish you holiday greetings.

6. Liberace: Christmas at Liberace’s

Then again, Santa was probably expecting a gaudy palace. And he was disappointed that he came to surprisingly normal furnishings.

Somehow Santa Claus wasn’t impressed by Liberace’s Christmas decorations.

7. John Travolta and Olivia Newton John: This Christmas

Guess the chemistry they had in Grease has evaporated. Also, is that John’s real hair?

I guess this is the Grease reunion none of us wanted.

8. Jingle Cats: Here Comes Santa Claws

Can’t believe you’d find another cat singing album. Still, the cat on the guitar is hilarious.

For those wanting to listen to cats screeching to holiday favorites, this is for you.

9. The Clancy Brothers: Christmas

Don’t seem to have any Christmas decorations here. But you have a couple glaring Irish stereotypes.

There’s nothing better than spending Christmas in an Irish pub.

10. Mojo Nixon and the Toadliquors: Horny Holidays

Yeah, that guy seems more suited for a sex offender list than a Christmas album cover. And no, the Santa hat and beard doesn’t help.

Merry Christmas, from your local neighborhood sexual deviant.

11. Bob Ward: Merry Christmas, Especially for You

No, I don’t think the girls like Bob from accounting because he plays the organ. Rather it’s because he spends his lunch breaks creeping in the ladies room.

Because nothing makes the holidays like a creepy bald guy playing Christmas music on his organ.

12. A Brass Band Christmas

I’m sure the music is good. But depicting instruments as cartoon characters is more appropriate for a kids’ album.

We all know how brass guys stick together during the holidays.

13. Afroman: Jobe Bells

Though I do think seeing the reindeer with a cigarette is quite amusing. Then again, maybe that explains the look on Santa’s face.

Apparently, this Santa’s breaking all the rules.

14. Bob Kames: Organ and Chimes

From Music Radar: “As far as we know, this is the only one that looks like a carefully posed backwoods murder scene.” Caption reads: “Bob Kames, now in the Black Lodge forever.”

For Christmas would never be without a small decorated tree in the woods.

15.   Anne Sofie von Otter: Home for Christmas

From Classic FM: “OK, so there’s a massive ghost version of ASVO, a creepy beach scene and a child on some sort of weird camping chair being pushed by an unknown adult. If that’s Christmas in the Otter household, we dread to think what happens at New Year.”

Christmas is always about spending time with family.

16. Bad Religion: Christmas Songs

Though why a boy would be exhilarated to receive a new pair of loafers is beyond me. Seriously, that’s a face of a boy who gets an Xbox.

After all, Christmas is about the joy of giving.

17. Canadian Brass: Christmas Time Is Here

From Classic FM: “We can’t fault the repertoire on this album, but the horrifying cover art is all over the place. And you’d think they’d get cold, gaily larking about on that incredibly realistic ice rink.”

Apparently, their rendition of A Charlie Brown Christmas wasn’t a rousing success.

18. Cheeky Girls: Have a Cheeky Christmas

From Official Charts: “It’s never inappropriate for two grown women to straddle a man dressed as Santa, is it?” Either way, Santa doesn’t seem to mind.

Apparently, Santa thinks these two have been very good this year.

19. Kiri Te Kanawa: Christmas with Kiri Te Kanawa

From Classic FM: “Dame Kiri is so excited about Christmas this year that she’s decided to wear nothing but Christmas decorations.” Kind of makes sense.

On Christmas it helps if a diva always shimmers.

20. Christmas with the Choral Scholars of King’s College, Cambridge 

From Classic FM: “What do you mean we forgot to do the album artwork? Oh never mind, just knock something together with MS Paint, no-one will know. Clip-art’s really popular now anyway.”

Enjoy the season with the sound from the Cambridge University choir.

21. Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton: Once Upon a Christmas

From Music Radar: “This country coming-together is a spin-off from another Christmas special, CBS’ Kenny & Dolly: A Christmas To Remember from 1984. It’s also the exact moment at which Dolly Parton stopped aging – that mounted reindeer shows more wear from the last quarter century than the miniature dynamo.”

For nothing makes a country Christmas during the 1980s like a collaboration album with Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton.

22. Dapper Laughs: Proper Naughty Xmas

From Official Charts: “We don’t really have much to say about this absolute monstrosity but you can’t keep using ‘it’s cold’ as an excuse, Dapper…”

Please tell me that guy’s at least wearing underwear.

23. Donny Osmond: Christmas at Home

Donny Osmond here seems like he’d rather spend the holidays outside in the freezing cold than spend time with his family. And we thought the Osmonds were a happy bunch.

There’s no place like home for the holidays, unless perhaps you’re Donny Osmond.

24. Evie: Come on, Ring Those Bells

That way, if you don’t want to snuggle with her, she’ll hack you to pieces and feed you to the fire. Now isn’t that nice?

Evie always enjoys spending Christmas by warm fire.

25. Explosivo Tropical Bristol

And you can definitely see he tan lines as the tinsel and ornaments cover her naughty bits. Still, I’m sure this is part of a marketing ploy.

Season’s greetings from some hotel room in Mexico for some reason.

26. Fast Food Rockers: I Love Christmas

What do you mean this was from 2003? And it reached 25 on the charts? They also have a music video on YouTube which appears straight out of an acid trip. And yes, it’s as bad as you think.

For we all know how winter’s the perfect time for 1980s cartoon cosplay.

27. Hanson: Snowed In

Seems like these guys got caught up in the Christmas lights. Thankfully, they didn’t suffer any injuries. But none seem happy about it.

Who knew that these Hanson brothers sucked at Christmas decorating?

28. Hollywood Bowl Symphony Orchestra: Great Orchestral Music of Christmas

Apparently, while Santa bestows presents to all the girls and boys, he also tends to kidnap a few of them. Yes, definitely an album cover to induce trauma and nightmares.

There’s always a certain nostalgia with meeting Santa at the mall while on a bad LSD trip.

29. Ice-T: Christmas with Ice-T

Even Santa thinks this is ridiculous. Yeah, Ice-T, I think you’re an embarrassment by this point.

Uh, Ice-T, I think you’re way too old to sit on Santa’s lap.

30. Woody Phillips: A Toolbox Christmas

From Music Radar: “The cover to this gourd music monster looks like a soft-focus snuff movie before the messy part begins. The noise is even worse: it sounds a bit like real music, in the same way a tongueless dog howling at the moon sounds like a trained choirist. See?”

After all, why tinker in the garage without hearing the sounds of the holidays?

31. Jimi Hendrix: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Still, he doesn’t seem to wear the Santa suit well. Then again, this seems like a contractual obligation.

Hendrix had a Christmas album? Wonder what that sounds like.

32. Sing Along with Marcy: Christmas with Marcy

Though she could just as easily throw her cat on her lap into the fire. Don’t think this album’s full of good cheer at all.

Christmas is a time of year when you snuggle with your loved ones by the fire.

33. Motorhead: Ace of Spades Christmas Edition

One of these Santas is giving the finger. And no, you don’t want to know what’s under their robes. Also, is that cage in the background?

This year, Santa’s on the naughty list.

34. Mr. Hankey: Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics

Though to be fair, there are a lot of shitty Christmas albums out there. It’s just this one’s sung by a someone who knows he’s crap.

Nothing says Christmas like music coming from a literal turd.

35. New Kids on the Block: Merry, Merry Christmas

Though one of these guys looks as if he’s getting strangled by his scarf. Way to go, guys.

New Kids on the Block always enjoy sledding during the holidays.

36. A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records

This is said to be 142 on Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Albums of all time. However, since it was produced by Phil Spector, the imagery seems rather unsettling in hindsight. Because we all know that Spector would later go to prison for murder.

Each of their groups comes literally gift wrapped.

37. Joe Gibbs Family of Artists: Reggae Christmas

Yet, instead of decorating a Christmas tree, Jamaicans use a pot plant, which kind of works. Okay, maybe not. Still, is it any wonder why we associate reggae music with marijuana?

Apparently, Christmas is a very high time in Jamaica.

38. Scott Weiland: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It seems like this guy’s in a dark alley to get some bootleg albums for his family. Doesn’t seem to have a smile emanating good cheer.

Though Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, his expression says otherwise.

39. Ringo Starr: I Wanna Be Santa Claus

From Music Radar: “Keeping up the collaborative theme, the album art was apparently designed through a colouring competition in McDonalds.” Also, this is from 1999?

Sorry, Ringo, but you seem to look more like the Grinch.

40. Tavin Pumarejo with his Tuna Fish: Trullando en Navidad

I’m not sure waht that has to do with Christmas. But I won’t be surprise if he’s tripping balls by now.

There’s nothing like Christmas like spending time with your dear uh, tuna fish.

41. Horacio Samalot: La Trifuca

To be fair, I’m sure this album was made somewhere in Latin America. But still, Santa and the 3 Wise Men? That can’t be right.

Santa always enjoys to play outside with the Three Wise Men for some reason.

42. Charlie the Hamster with Floyd Robinson: Charlie the Hamster Sing Christmas Songs with Floyd Robinson

There they are in the back of Santa’s sleigh. And it seems that Santa just took notice.

Great we have a Christmas album sung by a hamster.

43. Jul med Yngve Stoor

However, he appears to be sporting a sunburn while he’s playing a guitar. Also, no one wants to see him in a swimsuit.

Santa always enjoys riding the waves in the Pacific.

44. The Most Fabulous Classical Christmas Album Ever

From Classic FM: “We know, we know, it’s not right to play the ‘highbrow’ card when it comes to classical music. But really. Poodles? A sun with a face on it? A sequined sack with a cello coming out of it? Many, many composers are turning in their graves.”

For nothing makes a classical Christmas like a woman in a short dress and poodles on the roof.

45. Howdy Doody’s Christmas Party

Howdy Doody was a popular kid’s show in the 1950s. Though I totally understand if you think it was a horror show with killer clowns and dolls that would haunt your dreams.

Enjoy Christmas with Howdy Doody and his friends, kids.

46. The Yobs: Christmas Album

I’m sure this is kind of intentional. Still, it’s guaranteed to at least offend someone, which is kind of the point.

Seems like these guys are doing everything to get on the naughty list.

47. Christmas Dubstep

Looking at this, you’d think the North Pole was run the same way as the Playboy Mansion. Also, I don’t think yuletide lingerie can keep you from freezing to death in sub zero temperature. But Santa likes what he sees.

Kind of traumatizing to see Santa’s workshop as a sex dungeon.

48. Vienna Boys Choir: Christmas in Vienna

From Classic FM: “You know, this one wouldn’t be so bad if they actually looked like they were enjoying themselves. Even the dog looks clinically fed-up.”

Though the Vienna Boys themselves don’t seem quite merry this time.

49. Kim Se-Hwan: Merry Christmas

From Music Radar: “Normally, skiing without a helmet is considered dangerous, but Kim’s side parting is resin-coated and is strong enough to withstand bullets even when fired from close range.”

You can’t have Christmas in South Korea without some tinsel.

50. Rotary Connection: Peace

Okay, those heads are photoshopped to dolls. Guaranteed to inspire some yuletide nightmares during the season. Yeah, that really creeps me out.

Let’s hope those people on Santa’s lap are elves.

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It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Third Edition)

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During the summer time, while the rest of us are having fun in the sun and possibly going on vacation if they’re lucky, many of your favorite celebrity music performers are busy recording their Christmas albums. So by this time, they’d be ready for sale this holiday season so you and your loved ones can enjoy some holiday favorites. Of course, Christmas albums have been all the rage for a very long time. I ought to know since I already completed two posts of some of the bad covers. And I decided to do another since the depth of bad Christmas album covers is endless. Sure you might find them horrifying beyond description like a trainwreck or this year’s election (which saw an unrespectable man ascend to the presidency and over 60 million people were conned into voting for him). Yet, you might some unintentionally funny. And if you’re over a certain age, you might find some Christmas album covers on here that you’d rather forget. So for your holiday reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of horrendous Christmas albums from yesterday.

  1. Dr. Duke Tumatoe: It’s Christmas
Yet, there's a blurb that says, "(Let's have sex)." As if I think a guy like that in a Santa suit is sexy. Not.

Yet, there’s a blurb that says, “(Let’s have sex).” As if I think a guy like that in a Santa suit is sexy. Actually, it’s kind of creepy.

An album featuring a dancing Santa is always a delight to look at.

2. Bob Dylan: Sings Holiday Favorites

Yeah, that Santa hat is totally photoshopped. Also, Dylan, if you should release a Christmas album the next time, let it be one where you write the songs.

Yeah, that Santa hat is totally photoshopped. Also, Dylan, if you should release a Christmas album the next time, let it be one where you write the songs.

If you like Christmas music and crave the nasal voices of folk rock, this album is for you.

3. Garth Brooks: Garth Brooks & the Magic of Christmas

So I guess that Garth Brooks moonlights as a fortune teller. Or some sort of dark seer bandit from the Old West.

So I guess that Garth Brooks moonlights as a fortune teller. Or some sort of dark seer bandit from the Old West.

If you’re into Christmas, country, and the occult supernatural, Garth Brooks got you covered.

4. Raymond Lefevre and His Orchestra: Merry Christmas

That stack of presents doesn't look steady and seems about ready to fall. But the woman in here doesn't seem upset about it at all. She just keeps smiling.

That stack of presents doesn’t look steady and seems about ready to fall. But the woman in here doesn’t seem upset about it at all. She just keeps smiling.

This album cover shows you can never carry enough presents in your hands.

5. 38 Special: A Wild-Eyed Christmas

Okay, eyeball ornaments are utterly creepy and not suited for Christmas at all. So why did they think this album cover was a good idea?

Okay, eyeball ornaments are utterly creepy and not suited for Christmas at all. So why did they think this album cover was a good idea?

During the yuletide season, even the ornaments have their eyes on you.

6. Kenny Chesney: All I Want For Christmas Is a Real Assed Tan

I heard that Kenny Chesney used a similar photo shot for his audition for Magic Mike but was rejected. So he decided to go for a variation for his Christmas album.

I heard that Kenny Chesney used a similar photo shot for his audition for Magic Mike but was rejected. So he decided to go for a variation for his Christmas album. Still, spending time on the beach isn’t Christmas to me.

Because nothing says a country Christmas like wintering in Boca Raton.

7. John Waters: A John Waters Christmas

To be fair, he's more of a dark comic writer. Yet, if there's a fire in your house, you just have to do something about it. Like get a fire extinguisher and call 911.

To be fair, he’s more of a dark comic writer. Yet, if there’s a fire in your house, you just have to do something about it. Like get a fire extinguisher and call 911.

For John Waters not even a fire among the presents will keep him from enjoying the holiday season.

8. The Mistletoe Disco Band: Christmas Disco

Yes, Christmas disco albums do exist. But at least this album didn't feature Santa Claus in a red polyester suit. Because that would've been worse.

Yes, Christmas disco albums do exist. But at least this album didn’t feature Santa Claus in a red polyester suit. Because that would’ve been worse.

Now you can listen to your Christmas favorites to the sound that reminds you of the 1970s or Europeans.

9. Chabelo: Chabelo en Navidad

Sure he'll freeze his ass off in these clothes. But to add insult to injury, he's also wearing socks with sandals. You know committing one of the cardinal sins of fashion.

Sure he’ll freeze his ass off in these clothes during the winter. But to add insult to injury, he’s also wearing socks with sandals. You know committing one of the cardinal sins of fashion.

For there is no better winter attire than your golf course attire in May.

10. Les Chaussettes Noires

It's even funnier that they're dressed with red capes on their heads and robes. It's like they're dressed in a cross between Merlin and Santa Claus. Yes, it's kind of weird.

It’s even funnier that they’re dressed with red capes on their heads and robes. It’s like they’re dressed in a cross between Merlin and Santa Claus. Yes, it’s kind of weird.

Ever imagined a Santa rock band? Now you don’t need to.

11. Christmas Disco Party

Yeah, Santa, wait until Mrs. Claus finds out about you and that blonde. Boy, you're sleeping in the doghouse tonight.

Yeah, Santa, wait until Mrs. Claus finds out about you and that blonde. Boy, you’re sleeping in the doghouse tonight.

That moment when Santa comes to his senses that fooling around with a dancing swimsuit model might put him on the naughty list.

12. Midnight String Quartet: Christmas Rhapsodies for Young Lovers

Sure they may list traditional hits. But the vibes I get from this picture is "Baby It's Cold Outside."

Sure they may list traditional hits. But the vibes I get from this picture is “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” You know the one where the woman wants to go home while the guy wants her to stay and well, you get the idea.

Finally, a the kind of Christmas album that can get 20-somethings in the mood for romance.

13. Liberace: Twas the Night Before Christmas

So what did Liberace do to get a coat of so much fur? Shoot a polar bear? Seems reasonable enough.

So what did Liberace do to get a coat of so much fur? Shoot a polar bear? Seems reasonable enough.

Because it Can’t be Christmas without seeing Liberace in his long fur coat of glory.

14. Gayla Peevey: I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

You probably remember the song on this album. But at least the cover goes to great lengths why any child shouldn't want a hippopotamus for Christmas. I mean hippos kill more people in Africa than lions.

You probably remember the song on this album. But at least the cover goes to great lengths why any child shouldn’t want a hippopotamus for Christmas. I mean hippos kill more people in Africa than lions.

For nothing makes a girl jump for joy on Christmas than a scarily dressed hippo that could eat her alive.

15. Sufjan Stevens: Sufjan Stevens Presents Astral Interplanetary Space Captain Christmas Infinity Voyage

Too bad the space captain will probably suffocate in there and die. Since a turban won't protect him in the vacuum of space. Also, that's not Sufjan Stevens.

Too bad the space captain will probably suffocate in there and die. Since a turban won’t protect him in the vacuum of space. Also, that’s not Sufjan Stevens.

Sufjan Stevens would like to wish you all Merry Christmas from space.

16. Lawrence Welk: Christmas Memories

My dad used to dread watching Lawrence Welk when he was a kid. Looking at this album cover, I can totally understand why. He seems like he could break into your house and kill you with an accordion any moment.

My dad used to dread watching Lawrence Welk when he was a kid. Looking at this album cover, I can totally understand why. He seems like he could break into your house and kill you with an accordion any moment.

Nothing says Christmas like bandleader being a massive creep in his Santa suit.

17. Merry Cajun Christmas Volume Two

Uh, doesn't Santa have a sleigh that he doesn't need to row among gators? Or creepy banjo players? Seriously, he has a flying reindeer pulled sleigh for God's sake!

Uh, doesn’t Santa have a sleigh that he doesn’t need to row among gators? Or creepy banjo players? Seriously, he has a flying reindeer pulled sleigh for God’s sake!

Santa Claus has to be a brave man to deliver presents to the boys and girls while dodging a river of hungry gators.

18. Eartha Kitt: Santa Baby

At least Eartha Kitt's pose sitting on Santa's lap doesn't shy away from what the song is about. Of course, Mrs. Claus wouldn't approve.

At least Eartha Kitt’s pose sitting on Santa’s lap doesn’t shy away from what the song is about. Of course, Mrs. Claus wouldn’t approve.

For some women just can’t help but think Santa Claus as the ultimate sugar daddy.

19. Afroman: Afroman’s Colt 45 Christmas: Original Uncut Version

This Christmas album cover is kind of depressing if you ask me. It could just as well be used for the soundtrack to The Wire.

This Christmas album cover is kind of depressing if you ask me. It seems like a more appropriate cover for the soundtrack to the Wire, than on anything to do with the holidays.

As we know Christmas can be a time of cold weather and cold malt liquor.

20. Cyndi Lauper: Merry Christmas….Have a Nice Life!

Guess she's thinking, "Oh, God, why did they make me do this? And how long do I have to sit next to this red suited creep?"

Guess she’s thinking, “Oh, God, why did they make me do this? And how long do I have to sit next to this red suited creep?”

For some reason, Cyndi Lauper always dreaded visiting Santa at the mall.

21. The Hiltonaires with the Tony Mansell Singers: Swingin’ in a Winter Wonderland

Don't ask me but Sant seems a bit pervy toward that girl in this one. And I'm not sure how old this girl is. Sure hope she's 18.

Don’t ask me but Sant seems a bit pervy toward that girl in this one. And I’m not sure how old this girl is. Sure hope she’s 18.

Santa Claus always enjoys dancing with skimpy clad women around the Christmas tree.

22. The Pac Man Christmas Story

So I guess this story consists of gorging through a maze without being seen by goblins. Because that's what the game is like.

So I guess this story consists of gorging through a maze without being seen by goblins. Because that’s what the game is like. Yet, this suggests otherwise.

Ever wish you had a Christmas album of an Atari video game. Look no further.

23. Student Nurses Sing the Season In

Hits include: "They Three Drunks of SantaCon Are," "Bedpans We Have Heard on High," "I'll Be On Call for Christmas," and "Away in a Gurney." You know stuff nurses have to deal with over the holidays.

Hits include: “They Three Drunks of SantaCon Are,” “Bedpans We Have Heard on High,” “I’ll Be On Call for Christmas,” and “Away in a Gurney.” You know stuff nurses have to deal with over the holidays.

For nothing brings bright holiday cheer than student nurses singing Christmas carols.

24. What Can You Get a Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?)

Yes, they did songs like these back in the day. They even had a Star Wars Christmas special. Still, this cover of Chewbacca is hilarious.

Yes, they did songs like these back in the day. They even had a Star Wars Christmas special. Still, this cover of Chewbacca is hilarious.

Uh, I can guess a set of hair brushes and combs suited for musk oxen. Or a vacuum to clean up after himself?

25. Henry Mancini, His Orchestra, and Chorus: A Merry Mancini Christmas

Still, it doesn't seem like the who crew really wants to participate. His daughter next to his wife seems like she's dragged into doing the stupid photoshoot and feels like the kids at school will make fun at her for it. On the bright side, I hope it has some Christmas songs in the Pink Panther or Peter Gunn theme. That would be awesome.

Still, it doesn’t seem like the who crew really wants to participate. His daughter next to his wife seems like she’s dragged into doing the stupid photoshoot and feels like the kids at school will make fun at her for it. On the bright side, I hope it has some Christmas songs in the Pink Panther or Peter Gunn theme. That would be awesome.

Of course, when you’re a famous composer it helps to put your family on the Christmas album cover.

26. Universal Robot Band: Disco Christmas

This whole album design seems like it was madeby someone on acid. Because nothing about it makes any logical sense.

This whole album design seems like it was madeby someone on acid. Because nothing about it makes any logical sense.

Listen to the songs that would make Santa and his reindeer boogie this holiday season in space.

27. Pepsi Feliz Navidad!

Okay, I know they're drinking pop. But did they really have to show kids drinking from wine glasses? Because it looks like a classic case of underage drinking.

Okay, I know they’re drinking pop, not red wine. But did they really have to show kids drinking from wine glasses? Because it looks like a classic case of underage drinking.

The holidays are always a time of year to give a toast to new beginnings.

28. Lawrence Welk: Merry Christmas from Lawrence Welk and His Champagne Music

Because if his nightmarish face didn't scare you, note his tree seems covered in cobwebs. And no, that sight doesn't make me merry.

Because if his nightmarish face didn’t scare you, note his tree seems covered in cobwebs. And no, that sight doesn’t make me merry.

Merry Christmas from the creepy bandleader your grandparents probably like and his nightmare before Christmas tree.

29. Le Vrai Pere Noel Chante

That kid in buckskin really doesn't look like an Indian. And I'm not sure about the kid in Asian dress either. Also, the Santa with these kids is guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

That kid in buckskin really doesn’t look like an Indian. And I’m not sure about the kid in Asian dress either. Also, the Santa with these kids is guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

Think of it as a Village People children’s Christmas album but more racist.

30. Leon Russell: Moonlight & Love Songs

To be fair, the late Leon Russell did perform at Woodstock and was renowned in his own right. But his Christmas album makes him seem like Santa who knows that you've been really bad this year. Not sure why the dog is here.

To be fair, the late Leon Russell did perform at Woodstock and was renowned in his own right. But his Christmas album makes him seem like Santa who knows that you’ve been really bad this year. Not sure why the dog is here.

There’s nothing like it on Christmas than posing for an album with the dog that best matches your beard in a black background.

31. Charles Bronson: Twas the Night Before Bronson

I find it hard to imagine a guy like Charles Bronson having a Christmas album unless it includes anything revenge oriented. Also, that Christmas hat doesn't help matters at all.

I find it hard to imagine a guy like Charles Bronson having a Christmas album unless it includes anything revenge oriented. Also, that Christmas hat doesn’t help matters at all.

Now you can hear action star Charles Bronson sing your holiday favorites.

32. Antonio Fargas: It’s Christmas

On Starsky and Hutch, Huggy Bear was a police informant who talked jive and was ethically ambiguous. He also dressed flashy and operated his own bar. You can guess where this is going....

On Starsky and Hutch, Huggy Bear was a police informant who talked jive and was ethically ambiguous. He also dressed flashy and operated his own bar. You can guess where this is going….

Fans of Starsky and Hutch will certainly like this Christmas album from Huggy Bear.

33. Michala Petri: Noel! Noel! Noel! Christmas with Michala Petri

It's said Ms. Petri has her choir boys to surround her in order to keep her warm as she plays her bassoon. Yeah, I know the snowy backdrop bit doesn't make sense.

It’s said Ms. Petri has her choir boys to surround her in order to keep her warm as she plays her bassoon. Yeah, I know the snowy backdrop bit doesn’t make sense.

Nothing says Christmas like a singer surrounded by choir boys in a snowy mountain backdrop.

34. Roger Whittaker: The Roger Whittaker Christmas Album

If it weren't for that fur coat, you'd think this man would just be some guy on the street who's secretly a serial killer. Then again, maybe I assume too much.

If it weren’t for that fur coat, you’d think this man would just be some guy on the street who’s secretly a serial killer. Then again, maybe I assume too much.

Or the kind of album you’d expect to be made by that freaky guy in accounting.

35. Tijuana Voices with Brass: Sing Merry Christmas

However, according to the album, they even suggest that Tijuana women are known for their distinctive mustaches. Don't say we didn't warn you.

However, according to the album, they even suggest that Tijuana women are known for their distinctive mustaches. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Christmas time is always a festive occasion in Tijuana, Mexico.

36. Exciting Christmas Stories

Batman looks as if he has rabies while Wondy and Superman don't seem concerned about it. Okay, he's wearing a Santa beard. But still, it's disturbing.

Batman looks as if he has rabies while Wondy and Superman don’t seem concerned about it. Okay, he’s wearing a Santa beard. But still, it’s disturbing.

Kids, share your Christmas by listening to tales about your favorite DC Comics superheroes.

37. Elton John: Elton John’s Christmas Party

Uh, Elton, I like your music and all. But I think we're all a bit freaked out about you having a record at your crotch. Just letting you know.

Uh, Elton, I like your music and all. But I think we’re all a bit freaked out about you having a record at your crotch. Just letting you know.

Celebrate Christmas with the music of the legendary Sir Elton John.

38. Liberace: Christmas Memories

Now I can understand why Liberace decides to dress in lavish furs at the piano. Yeah, too gangster.

Now I can understand why Liberace decides to dress in lavish furs at the piano. Yeah, too gangster.

Those who want to see Liberace dressed as Nucky Thompson need not look further.

39. Wham!: Last Christmas

From First Draft: "Poor Andrew Ridgely. Wasn’t it bad enough to be George Michael’s sidekick? They had to make the poor bastard a reindeer. I hope no Norwegian tried to eat him. That would not be Whamtastic."

From First Draft: “Poor Andrew Ridgely. Wasn’t it bad enough to be George Michael’s sidekick? They had to make the poor bastard a reindeer. I hope no Norwegian tried to eat him. That would not be Whamtastic.”

Fans of George Michael might enjoy listening to the earworm sappy Christmas song that’s annoying as hell. Seriously, I hate this song with a passion.

40. Garvis

From Turntabling: "I don’t even want to know what THIS bunch is on about. It looks like a prison lineup, but ESPECIALLY the guy on the far left. What the hell’s going on in THIS gent’s head? Images of sugarplums, no doubt, slicing up the neighborhood winos and barbecuing pets on a wood stove."

From Turntabling: “I don’t even want to know what THIS bunch is on about. It looks like a prison lineup, but ESPECIALLY the guy on the far left. What the hell’s going on in THIS gent’s head? Images of sugarplums, no doubt, slicing up the neighborhood winos and barbecuing pets on a wood stove.”

Because Christmas can’t get more into the Disco years than this.

41. Ruth Lyons: Ten Tunes of Christmas

Well, it's not quite a Charlie Brown Tree. Yet, even decorating it in tinsel and ornaments can't make it look festive. So sad. But I guess they had to make it work.

Well, it’s not quite a Charlie Brown Tree. Yet, even decorating it in tinsel and ornaments can’t make it look festive. So sad. But I guess they had to make it work.

That moment when you had to settle for the last tree at the Christmas tree farm and have to do a family Christmas card at the family owned hotel.

42. Homer and Jethro: Cool Crazy Christmas with Homer & Jethro

However, seeing them dressed up as kids in this is a very different story. Seriously, guys, you're creeping me out.

However, seeing them dressed up as kids in this is a very different story. Seriously, guys, you’re creeping me out.

Nothing says Christmas like seeing a couple of grown men playing with toys.

43. Thore Skogmans Julkivia: Klappa Pa

For all we know, he could just be luring this kid to put in a sack and do terrible things to him in his windowless van. But what do I know?

For all we know, he could just be luring this kid to put in a sack and do terrible things to him in his windowless van. But what do I know?

Remember, kids, just because a guy is in a Santa suit doesn’t mean he’s nice.

44. The Oak Ridge Boys: Christmas

From Flashbak: "Three of these guys belong in either a seedy bus station or a rustic log cabin – not a tacky eighties living room. Like matzo balls in clam chowder, they do not belong."

From Flashbak: “Three of these guys belong in either a seedy bus station or a rustic log cabin – not a tacky eighties living room. Like matzo balls in clam chowder, they do not belong.”

There’s nothing on Christmas like seeing a bunch of bearded guys enjoying themselves around the tree.

45. William Hung: Hung for the Holidays

From NME: "It doesn’t bode well for a Christmas album when its cover looks like a MS Paint rush job, with the artist’s face crudely dropped in. Also William, we get why you called your record ‘Hung For The Holidays’ but given suicide rates across Europe and America reach record highs around this time of year, is this really the best possible title? Really?"

From NME: “It doesn’t bode well for a Christmas album when its cover looks like a MS Paint rush job, with the artist’s face crudely dropped in. Also William, we get why you called your record ‘Hung For The Holidays’ but given suicide rates across Europe and America reach record highs around this time of year, is this really the best possible title? Really?”

For fans of the American Idol reject William Hung, I’m sure you’ll find his Christmas album a delight.

46. Raffi: Raffi’s Christmas Album

From Flashbak: "Imagine seeing this at your bedside when you wake up Christmas morn, (shudder)" Yes. this will certainly inspire nightmares.

From Flashbak: “Imagine seeing this at your bedside when you wake up Christmas morn, (shudder)” Yes. this will certainly inspire nightmares.

So that’s what Raffi actually looked like in real life. Not how I expected.

47. Dave Boyer: Joy & Happiness at Christmas

From Flashbak: "I don’t need to tell you that your wife with fake tan and your crummy living room shouldn’t be on the cover of your album; clearly, this wasn’t conveyed to Dave Boyer. For the curious, his daughter is holding “Reach Out” a hip version of the New Testament."

From Flashbak: “I don’t need to tell you that your wife with fake tan and your crummy living room shouldn’t be on the cover of your album; clearly, this wasn’t conveyed to Dave Boyer. For the curious, his daughter is holding “Reach Out” a hip version of the New Testament.”

Unfortunately, Mrs. Boyer’s trip to the tanning salon didn’t turn out well.

48. Torben & Klaus: Svingnissen – Dansemus

From Flashbak: "Where’s mom, you ask? Look into that girl’s eyes – the eyes of the purest evil – and you’ll have your answer."

From Flashbak: “Where’s mom, you ask? Look into that girl’s eyes – the eyes of the purest evil – and you’ll have your answer.”

This family would like to send their Christmas wishes and may your yuletide season be filled with love.

49. Leroy Andersen: A Christmas Festival with Leroy Andersen

From Flashbak: "This looks nothing at all like a festival. This is an old man taking notes…. perhaps they should have researched the term “festival” a bit more."

From Flashbak: “This looks nothing at all like a festival. This is an old man taking notes…. perhaps they should have researched the term “festival” a bit more.”

Apparently, this guy doesn’t really know what festival means. Or he wasn’t invited so he’s taking notes.

50. Music for Dreaming

From Go Retro: "No wonder I always wake up with a headache! After a long day of cross country skiing, there's nothing better then taking a nap in the snow and dreaming that I'm a 50 foot woman about to be rammed in the head by cars."

From Go Retro: “No wonder I always wake up with a headache! After a long day of cross country skiing, there’s nothing better then taking a nap in the snow and dreaming that I’m a 50 foot woman about to be rammed in the head by cars.”

For those tired of all the Christmas commercialism, this is the album for you.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Second Edition)

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As you probably know by now, Christmas albums are what many recording artists are contractually obligated to do during their summer vacations. And yes, if you work in retail, you’ll have to deal with Christmas music for several hours straight that you’ll soon have all the songs stuck in your head. Let’s just say hearing the torture of Wham!’s “Last Christmas” one thing I don’t miss about working at Macy’s this holiday season. And let’s just say that after the holiday season, these Christmas albums will end up at some discount rack at Big Lots. Last year, I did a post on vintage Christmas album covers that many of you have taken to. So I decided to do another one since there are so many vintage album covers out there pertaining to Christmas. And yes, many of them are amusingly horrible beyond all description that you have to see for yourself. So without further adieu, here is a treasure trove of more vintage Christmas album covers for when you really need a break from hearing all the Christmas music in your head after a shopping trip.

  1. Sesame Street: Merry Christmas
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Uh, let’s just hope that Bert got tangled in the bead garlands by accident. But since people think they’re gay and Fifty Shades of Grey being a pop culture hit, this is probably one of the most unintentionally inappropriate children’s album covers of all time. I mean Grover and Cookie Monster now look understandably horrified at the moment.

Nothing beats a wholesome family Christmas like hearing your favorite yuletide carols while Ernie and Bert decorate their Christmas tree with Grover and Cookie Monster.

2. Jingle Cats: Merry Christmas

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Good: Might help curb rodent infestations. Bad: Seriously, “Jingle Bells” is annoying as it is but do you really want to listen to cats meowing to it? Ugly: Might give your cat an inferiority complex.

Finally a Christmas album for the crazy cat fan that has felines singing 2o holiday classics.

3. Dean Martin: A Winter Romance

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I think Dino might have to watch out for the creepy blond woman who’s plotting to murder his girlfriend in a way that it would look like an accident. Yeah, let’s just say women like that would make a winter romance turn into a winter nightmare.

Nothing says Christmas like snow, skiing, and having a very creepy stalker obsession with Dean Martin.

4. The Joyful Sounds: Guide Me Lord

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As someone who’s seen Hairspray, I think these women have more chemicals in their hair than the whole cast put together. Wonder how long it took for these women to style their hair in the morning.

Celebrate the birth of our Lord with yuletide Christian music, modestly red and blue dresses with white collars and cuffs, and tons of hairspray.

5. Christmas at Our House

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I don’t know about you, but I don’t think Uncle Charlie’s idea of playtime involves toy trains or toys of any other kind. I think it involves Uncle Charlie doing unspeakable things to Billy in the bathroom.

“C’mon, Billy, be a dear and spend time with your Uncle Charlie this Christmas. You only get to see him few times a year.”

6. Asleep at the Wheel: Merry Texas Christmas Y’all

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I understand Asleep at the Wheel is the group’s name. But I’m not sure if it makes a great name to put on a Christmas album cover. It just brings to mind a car accident waiting to happen instead of good cheer. Also the armadillo is freaky.

In Texas, they tend to celebrate Christmas a little differently with decorations like armadillos, cowboy boots, cacti, and longhorn skulls.

7. Christmas at the Devil’s House

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“Santa, ramp up your amp and play your guitar hard./’Cause Hell’s broke loose in North Pole and the Devil deals the cards./And if you win you get this shiny guitar made of gold,/But if you lose the devil gets your soul……”

When the Devil went down to Georgia, he challenged Johnny to the fiddle duel. When Santa went to hell, they dueled with electric guitars.

8. Rusty Diamonds: Rusty Diamonds Vol. 4 X-mas Project

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Now I’m not sure what to make of pose. I mean her nipples are showing and you can almost see her crotch. That ain’t right.

Of course, sex sells in the music industry. So during the Christmas season having a cover of a girl in a Santa hat and spandex helps.

9. Charo: (Mamacita) ¿Donde Esta Santa Claus?

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Wonder how Charo managed to survive winter without losing her legs. Seriously, high red stockings will not keep you warm below freezing temperatures.

When looking at this my question to Charo is “¿Donde esta su pantalones? ¡Esta frio, su pendejo!”

10. Michele Richard: Noel

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Seems like Santa Claus really isn’t enjoying being hugged in this photo op. But he just didn’t have the courage to say, no, no, no.

While Santa may delight having children sit on his lap, this isn’t always the case with teens and adults.

11. Dj Scream Kickstand: Santa Claus: Toys, Trees, and Snow

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Now I see nothing wrong with a gangta rap Christmas album. And I don’t see anything wrong with a black Santa either. However, seeing Santa wielding an AK-47 is just plain wrong.

Because nothing says “Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men” like Santa Claus wearing a bandanna and sunglasses while wielding an AK-47.

12. Celtic Woman: Home for Christmas

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Of course, when designing Celtic Woman’s Christmas album, it’s said that Lisa Frank’s dog got loose and took a giant dump all over it. They were never able to clean up the mess.

Now I can’t decide whether this album design is supposed to be a Christmas tree or a technicolor turd.

13. NORAD Tracks Santa

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Of course, if you want to track Santa on Christmas Eve, maybe it’s better to listen to NORAD on the radio. Why get Santa news reports from a record anyway? Kind of freaky if you think about it.

Finally, an album tracking Santa’s movements from the North Pole on Christmas Eve.

14. Merry Music for Christmas

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While Cindy and Randy played like sports during the photo shoot, Janie wanted none of that. Of course, they had to go with the best photo in the bunch.

Apparently one of these kids would like to offer a second opinion.

15. Adventures in Carols

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Not sure if that rocket’s going to hold all the toys, Danta. Also, what’s with the other Santas at the launch site? Or are they elves? I don’t know.

This year, instead of a sleigh, Santa will deliver all the toys to kids from a rocket that’s launched from a large anti-aircraft gun.

16. Mickey Rooney: Merry, Merry Micklemas

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Looking at him like this, I find it hard to believe this guy was a huge star in his prime as well as married 8 times. One of these was Ava Gardner out of all people. Vanity Fair said he’s “the original Hollywood trainwreck.”

Nothing beats Christmas than seeing and old Mickey Rooney in a Santa beard and long underwear.

17. Sufjan Stevens and Friends: Let It Snow!: Songs for Christmas Vol. 9

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For God’s sake, who the hell thought this would make a great idea for a Christmas album cover? This is just totally sick. Hopefully, this album came out before the Jerry Sandusky scandal at Penn State. But I may be wrong.

Because nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a boy taking a steaming hot shower.

18. Nina and Frederik: Christmas at Home with Nina and Frederik

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From The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit: “From the looks of Frederik, there’s only one of four things he wants to do this Christmas. 1. Sex you up. 2. Chop you into little pieces. 3. Sex you up and then chop you into little pieces. 4. Chop you into little pieces and then sex you up.” Why doesn’t he just make it convenient and get a woodchipper like in Fargo? Oh, sorry about that, Steve Buschemi.

When it comes to the holidays, Nina and Frederik prefer to spend Christmas at their peaceful cabin in the woods.

19. Stan and Doug: Yust Go Nuts on Christmas

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From Cracked: “Ah, nothing says Christmas like a cross-dressing, possibly mentally challenged man fighting Santa over an ugly doll. It’s just like in that classic Christmas carol, ‘I Saw Mommy Try to Stop Daddy from Wearing Her Dresses and Cold-Cocking Santa.'” Don’t ask me, I wasn’t consulted.

Okay, not sure if I want to know what that guy in the little boy get up is doing to that doll. Or why Santa is touching it.

20. Dear Santa Let’s Disco

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I pray to God that this girl is at least 18. Because from her eyes, I don’t think she just wants to disco with Santa. Also, why would anyone want to disco with Santa?

Nothing says Christmas in the Disco Era like a supposedly teenage girl erotically licking a candy cane.

21. Christopher Bowes: Christmas at the Organ

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From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “Think of it ladies-an evening of Mr. Bowes regaling us on his male organ and drinking his drugged wine, waiting to open the gifts of boxed-up body parts under the tree. Happy holidays!” I’ll pass, thank you very much. Seriously, I don’t want to drink with this guy.

There’s nothing more romantic at Christmas than spending a night near the tree drinking wine with a guy who might resemble a potential date rapist or serial killer.

22. Paul Holt: Fifty Grand for Christmas

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Then again, he probably wishes he had 50 grand for Christmas. But with this album cover, he probably should’ve went with “I’ll Be Broke for Christmas.”

Of course, this guy wished he had 50 grand for Christmas. But he had to settle for a cheap album cover with some cheap ass hookers.

23. Dennis Day: Dennis Day Sings Christmas Is for Family

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Of course, Jack Benny played the violin badly as part of his comic routine. However, I don’t think his comedy translates well when he’s in a Santa suit. Also, I think the kids are more anxious about opening presents than Jack Benny anyway.

Yes, kiddos, enjoy Christmas morning in your jammies with a private violin recital by the great Jack Benny in a Santa suit. Fun for the whole family.

24. Carol Channing: The Year Without a Santa Claus

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Yes, that’s Carol Channing. Yes, she’s a famous celebrity. No, I don’t think she made a lot of horror movies. Yeah, I do think her face is bound to give little children nightmares.

From looking at this cover, I’m wondering if The Year Without a Santa Claus is a horror story.

25. The New Christy Minstrels: Christmas with the Christies

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Yeah, decorate your hair with ornaments and lights. Of course, you’d have to walk slow so the baubles won’t fall off. And you can’t walk too far from the electrical outlet those lights are plugged in.

For festive holiday hair this Christmas, find a style you can decorate like a Christmas tree.

26. Fats Domino: Christmas Is a Special Day

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That poor pooch probably doesn’t care for photo ops. Or maybe Fats Domino Christmas music. Wonder why it looks so blase. What a way to ruin a picture.

Yes, Christmas is a special day, indeed. But for Fats’s bichon frise, it doesn’t seem a happy one.

27. Mickey Gilley: Christmas at Gilley’s

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Uh, Santa, I don’t think it’s a good idea to drive a magic reindeer pulled sleigh while under the influence. I mean this is how some kids get the wrong toys.

When Santa comes to the Gilleys, he always likes to raise a bottle of Texas booze while the country music’s playing.

28. Stan Freberg: Green Christmas and the Meaning of Christmas

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I think this is supposed to be a satire on Christmas commercialism, consumerism, and materialism. And from how I see his face, he kind of looks pretty depressed about it.

Of course, his idea of a “green” Christmas has more to do with the Benjamins than with saving the environment.

29. Gunther & the Sunshine Girls: Christmas Song (Ding Dong)

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From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “I’m thinking our friend Gunther gets his “ding dong” licked by that poor, wretched dog each night. That ‘stache and Gunther’s pouty lips make me want to cancel Christmas.”

Okay, is that a guy or a woman in drag? I can’t really tell.

30. The Mastertone Orchestra: A Singer Christmas for the Family

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This boy seems like: “A sewing machine? What kind of lame ass gift is that? Why couldn’t you let me unwrap a Roughrider BB gun that I asked for?”

Because nothing excites the family on Christmas morning more than a new Singer sewing machine.

31. Archie Wood and his Friends: Christmas Album

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Okay that castle looks fairly run down. Not sure what to make out about the dogs. But I have to admit, that dummy is just completely terrifying if you ask me.

Think of this bunch as a mashup of Mister Rogers Neighborhood and your worst childhood nightmares.

32. Muzak: Stimulus Progression No. 3 Christmas

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Heard they play this kind of music at Guatanamo Bay and in customer service departments. Let’s just say that Muzak is what they play on occasions like enhanced interrogations, when you’re on hold, or to drive away some unruly teens from loitering.

Because nothing makes Christmas better than hearing your favorite yuletide carols in the form of elevator music.

33. Perry Como: The Perry Como Christmas Album

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Now my grandma is a huge fan of this guy. Still, with a voice like his and tons of fan girls, they should’ve been able to come up with a better design than some creepy photoshop like this.

Celebrate Christmas by listening to music coming from Perry Como’s disembodied head on a Christmas wreath.

34. Ray Charles: The Spirit of Christmas

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Look, Ray Charles is a musical legend and a great singer and musician. Love his music and love Ray. However, this is not the kind of guy who should be driving a one horse open sleigh. Seriously, the guy’s blind as a bat. Not to mention, he wasn’t quite sober and clean.

If you think Perry Como’s head on wreath was creepy, you should see Ray Charles driving a sleigh.

35. Jimmy Pelham: Santa! Watch Your Claws

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And it seems like Mommy and Santa are about to be getting into the nasty. Yes, Santa is a pervert and a very naughty boy.

If you think seeing mommy kissing Santa Claus was traumatizing, how about seeing mommy sitting on Santa’s lap?

36. Harry Secombe: Christmas Cheer

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You know the creepy uncle you only see on holidays? You know the one who travels around in a windowless van your parents won’t let you in? Well, he released a Christmas album.

Because Santa Claus isn’t the only fat guy around who likes children around him. But at least Harry Secombe doesn’t need to sneak into their houses.

37. Six Million Dollar Man: Christmas Adventures

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From The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit: “I thought the Six Million Dollar Man was supposed to be a good guy? Based on this cover, it seems as if he’s killed Santa, put on his costume, and jettisoned St. Nick’s corpse into space on board a rocket. Man, that’s effed up. Jolly ol’ Steve Austin looks like he’s getting some kind of sick thrill from the whole thing – check out that demonic smirk. Later, Austin uses his bionic powers to crush the Elves’ Revolt. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard the sound of an elf’s windpipe being crushed in slo-mo.”

Spend the holiday season listening to 4 exciting adventures from the Six Million Dollar Man.

38. Ben Best: Happy Christmas Party: The Best of Ben Best

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I don’t think Ben Best looks like this and I have no idea who that guy is. Still, why the designer had to resort to the most uncreative gimmick to sell this album is beyond me. Yeah, let’s hope she gets some clothes for Christmas.

Of course, you can’t have a Christmas party without a naked girl surrounded by presents.

39. AC/DC: Mistress for Christmas

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Now that’s no way to treat a lady. Looks like Bon Scott has basically kidnapped her and now he’s probably in very deep shit. Yeah, he has a weird look in his face.

Uh, Bon Scott, I don’t think you get a mistress for Christmas by grabbing some lady in a Santa dress by the legs.

40. Bootsy Collins: Christmas Is 4 Ever

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Yes, marvel at Bootsy’s wonderful divine powers at his celestial creation of a big ass star. Yeah, his Christmas town is sure shining tonight.

Of course, Christmas is forever, as far as I know since Bootsy Collins is an overlord and deity of a snow globe Christmas town.

41. Indo G: Christmas N’ Memphis: Christmas Will Never Be the Same

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I don’t know about you. But robbing a bank is very naughty, Santa Claus. And it can lead to a long prison sentence. You don’t want to go there.

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” and “Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men” than the sight of Santa Claus being held by guns for robbing a bank.

42. The Carolleers: Favorite Christmas Carols

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I don’t know about you. But something tells me that Johnny’s new girlfriend Jenny might be a vampire. I don’t know why, just look at her eyes and teeth. Not that it’s none of my business.

Yes, nothing warms your heart on Christmas than having strangers show up at your door and sing annoying songs to you.

43. Andre Kostelanetz and his Orchestra: Nutcracker Suite

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From Cracked: “Why is a wolf-tiger hybrid groping its own tail while it plots to eat that girl? Why is a clown head sitting in a bush? Was the clown decapitated? If so, why’d he die with such a smile on his face? What part of the Nutcracker Suite was that in? Is that a log next to the clown head, or a slowly decomposing alligator? Why isn’t the cold preserving its corpse? Has there always been this much snow in hell? So many questions.” Yes, this is a cover that’s bound to give any child nightmares. And the ballet was pretty creepy, too.

Of course, I couldn’t do a Christmas album post this year without including Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite.

44. The Rhodes Kids: Rock n’ Rhodes Christmas

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From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “It has been said the studio sessions for The Rhodes Kids were fraught with debauchery of cocaine binges, physical fights, sexual attacks on stuffed animals and worse yet…those ghastly outfits. The Rhodes Kids currently have a massive following in Fiji and still tour there.”

Seems like the Rhodes Kids have been good enough this year for a personal visit from Santa Claus himself.

45. Cee Lo Green: Cee Lo’s Magic Moment

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Now this is just so ridiculous like that Chess King vintage ad from the 1980s. But man, it’s sure a purple yuletide dream or nightmare.

While Santa has his sleigh and reindeer, Cee Lo has his flying sports car pulled by majestic and magical white horses.

46. Silver Sounds of Christmas

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Now I heard they used this bird in a movie called The Snowbird Before Christmas. It was a slasher horror movie. And yes, this guy was the one killing everyone on Christmas Eve.

Hear the silver sounds of Christmas and freak out your child with an album of a scary Santa bird on the cover.

47. Sherwin Linton: Christmas Memories

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Kids, you might not like getting clothes for Christmas. But if you do, you will never look as tacky as this guy. Yes, the 1970s weren’t the best decade for fashion.

Yes, nothing’s better on Christmas morning than sitting down with your pair of pink platform shoes and a horrendously ugly sweater.

48. Sy Mann: Switched on Santa

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Still, I was expecting Santa to have access to state of the art technology most intelligence agencies operate on. This makes me a bit disappointed. Oh wait, that’s a synthesizer, dammit. Yeah, those can be quite annoying.

So that’s how Santa spies on kids to know whether they’re bad or good. So you better be good for goodness sake.

49. Jeri Kelly: Poor Ole’ Santa Claus

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I don’t know about you. But I really have a bad feeling about that girl seeing Santa in his underwear and a present behind his back.

Poor Santa. Someone stole his suit and now he has nothing on but long underwear.

50. Yuletide Disco

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I’m sure wearing garlands of tinsel might not cover you up for long. And I’m sure it’s not comfortable to wear. Also, looks incredibly ridiculous. Just saying.

Because, ladies, Christmastime is a time of year when you put on the tight pants and tinsel and boogie.

Dawning Now Our Day of Peril and other Christmas Mondegreens

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I’m sure we’ve all had made the same mistake whenever a song plays on and you sing to the words you think you’re hearing but you’re not. Sometimes this is apparent such as thinking that Bennie had electric boobs in “Bennie and the Jets,” other times, not so much. This term is known as a mondegreen coined by an American Harper’s Magazine writer named Sylvia Wright in November 1954. It was inspired by a misinterpretation of a 17th century Scottish ballad called “The Bonnie Earl o Moray” in which she writes:

“When I was a child, my mother used to read aloud to me from Percy’s Reliques, and one of my favorite poems began, as I remember:

Ye Highlands and ye Lowlands,
Oh, where hae ye been?
They hae slain the Earl o’ Moray,
And Lady Mondegreen.”

The fourth line was actually, “and laid him on the green,” so we don’t have to worry about Lady Mondegreen being murdered with the Earl of Moray or a double homicide in that matter. However, we’ve all done it a lot of times in our lives, and in the realm of Christmas carols and songs is no exception. Some of the following are from kids and some aren’t. Some of these songs are yuletide favorites, while others come from songs you’ve never heard before or in years. So without further adieu, here are some yuletide carol examples of people getting the words wrong in songs. Most of these are from the archive known as Kiss This Guy by the way, inspired from a mishearing from a Jimi Hendrix song, “Purple Haze.”

1. Burl Ives, “Have a Holly-Jolly Christmas”
Lyric: “Ho ho the mistletoe, a-hung where you can see”
Misheard as: “Ho ho the missing toe, a hunger you can see”

2. “The First Noel”
Lyric: “Born is the King of Israel”
Misheard as: “Born is the king or is Dryel”

3. “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”
Lyric: “Now bring us some figgy pudding”
Misheard as: “Check your p***y”
Comment: This came from a 6-year-old boy who honestly thought those were the words from the song.

4. Jose Feliciano, “Feliz Navidad”
Lyric: “Feliz Navidad”
Misheard as: “Fuzzy Snotty Duck”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “We asked our children their favorite Christmas song and when it was the youngest’s turn he didn’t know the name so said repeatedly, “Fuzzy, Snotty Duck. Fuzzy Snotty Duck.” To his frustration, for days, we had no idea what song it was until it came on the radio and he screamed, “Fuzzy Snotty Duck!””

5. Band Aid, “Do They Know It’s Christmas Time”
Lyric: “The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life”
Misheard as: “The only gift they’ll get this year is flies”

6. “Silent Night”
Lyric: “Holy infant so tender and mild”
Misheard as: “Holy imbecile, tender and mild”

7. “Deck the Halls”
Lyric: “Donning now our gay apparel”
Misheard as: “Dawning now our day of peril”

8. “Carol of the Bells”
Lyric: “Merry Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas”
Misheard as: “Hari Hari Hari Hari Hari Krishna”

9. “Frosty the Snowman”
Lyric: “With a corncob pipe and a button nose”
Misheard as: “With a corncob pipe and a butt and nose”

10. “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”
Lyric: “God and sinners reconciled”
Misheard as: “God and sinners wrecked in style”

11. “The Holly and the Ivy”
Lyric: “O the rising of the sun/And the running of the deer”
Misheard as: “O the rising of the South/And running the John Deeres”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “I don’t think they’re singing about Southerners cutting their grass…”

12. “Jingle Bells”
Lyric: “Oh what fun it is to ride/In a one horse open sleigh”
Misheard as: “Oh what fun it is to ride/In a one whore soap and sleigh”
Comment: Person was 10 years old at the time.

13. “Little Drummer Boy”
Lyric: “I am a poor boy too”
Misheard as: “I am a four by two”

14. “O Come All Ye Faithful”
Lyric: O come, let us adore Him,/O come, let us adore Him,/O come, let us adore Him,/Christ, the Lord”
Misheard as: “O come, let us adore Him,/O come, let us adore Him,/O come, let us adore Him,/Christ, the door”

15. “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
Lyric: “Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer/had a very shiny nose./And if you ever saw him,/you would even say it glows.”
Misheard as: “Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer/had a very shiny nose./And if you ever saw him,/He would take off all his clothes.”

16. “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”
Lyric: “He sees you when you’re sleeping…”
Misheard as: “He’ll seize you when you’re sleeping…”

17. “O Tannenbaum”
Lyric: “O Tannenbaum O Tannenbaum”
Misheard as: “O cannonball O cannonball”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “When I asked my classmates at the choral singing contest why the hell someone would want to write a song about a cannonball and sing it at Christmas.” Person was 10 at the time.

18. “Up on the Housetop”
Lyric: “Ho ho ho! Who wouldn’t go”
Misheard as: “Ho ho ho! School wouldn’t know”

19. “Winter Wonderland”
Lyric: “In the meadow we can build a snowman, we”l pretend that he is Parson Brown”
Misheard as: “In the ghetto we can build a snowman, we’ll pretend that he is partly blind”

20. Dave Matthews Band, “Christmas Song”
Lyric: “When Jesus Christ was nailed to the his tree/Said, ‘Oh, Daddy-o, I can see how it all soon will be’.”
Misheard as: “When Jesus Christ was nailed to the his tree/Said, ‘Oh, Daddy-o, I can see my house from here’.”

21. The Tractors, “Mary’s Baby”
Lyric: “Mary’s Baby, Son of Man”
Misheard as: “Mary’s baby, Son of Sam”
Comment: Son of Sam is the name of a well-known
New York area serial killer from the 1970s.

22. Myra, “Christmas Isn’t Christmas (Since You Said Goodbye)”
Lyric: “I’ve been asked to lots of parties/To celebrate the season.”
Misheard as: “I’ve bent ass to lots of potties/To celebrate the season.”

23. “I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day”
Lyric: “The belfries of all Christendom”
Misheard as: “The bell frees up all prison scum.”

24. “Lo, How A Rose E’er Blooming”
Lyric: “With Mary, we behold it, the Virgin Mother kind/To show God’s love aright/She bore to men a Savior/When half-spent was the night.”
Misheard as: “With Mary we behold it, the Virgin Mother kind/To show God’s love a riot/She farted in the manger/One hellbent Wednesday night.”

25. Nat King Cole, “The Christmas Song”
Lyric: “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”
Misheard as: “Jeff’s nuts roasting on an open fire”

26. “Good King Wenceslas”
Lyric: “Good King Wenceslas looked out/On the feast of Stephen”
Misheard as: ” “Good King Wencelas’ car backed out,/On a piece of Steven”

27. “The Twelve Days of Christmas”
Lyric: “On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me:/Twelve drummers drumming,/Eleven pipers piping,/Ten lords a-leaping,/Nine ladies dancing,/Eight maids a-milking,/Seven swans a-swimming,/Six geese a-laying,/Five golden rings,/Four calling birds,/Three French hens,/Two turtle doves,/And a partridge in a pear tree.”
Misheard as: “On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My tulip sent to me:/Twelve drummers drumming,/Eleven pipers piping,/Ten lawyers leaving,/Nine lazy Hansons,/Eight maids a-milking,/Seven warts on women,/Six geezers laying,/Five golden rings,/Four calling birds,/Three French hens,/Two turtle doves,/And a cartridge in a pantry. ”

28. “We Three Kings of Orient Are”
Lyric: “We three kings of Orient are,/Bearing gifts we traverse afar.”
Misheard as: “We free kings of Oregon are,/Burying gifts we traverse afar.”

29. “While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks by Night”
Lyric: “While shepherds watched their flocks by night,/All seated on the ground,/The angel of the Lord came down,/And glory shone around. ”
Misheard as: “While shepherds washed their socks at night,/All seated on the ground,/The angel of the Lord came down,/And glory shone around.”

30. Bing Crosby, “White Christmas”
Lyric: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,/Just like the ones I used to know./Where the treetops glisten,/And children listen,/To hear sleigh bells in the snow.”
Misheard as: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,/Just like the wands I used to know./Where the treetops glisten,/And children listen,/To hear slave elves in the snow. ”

31. “Angels We Have Heard on High”
Lyric: “Gloria…In excelsis Deo!”
Misheard as: “Gloria…Estefan is gay, oh!”

32. “Away in a Manger”
Lyric: “The cattle are lowing,/The poor baby wakes./But little Lord Jesus,/No crying he makes”
Misheard as: “The cattle are glowing,/The poor baby shakes./But little Lord Jesus,/The crowd he does hate”

33. “Ding Dong Merrily on High”
Lyric: “May ye beautifully rhyme/Your evetime song, ye singers”
Misheard as: “May ye beautifully rhyme,/You endtime zombie singers”

34. Georg Fredrich Handel, “For Unto Us A Child Is Born” (from Handel’s’Messiah’)
Lyric: “For unto us a child is born/Unto us a Son is given.”
Misheard as: “Or unto us a chowder’s born/Unto us a sauna’s given.”

35. “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”
Lyric: “O tidings of comfort and joy/Comfort and joy/O tidings of comfort and joy.”
Misheard as: “O Tide cleans like Comet and Joy/Comet and Joy/O Tide cleans like Comet and Joy.”

36. “Go Tell It on the Mountain”
Lyric: “Go tell it on the mountain”
Misheard as: “No telling on the mountain”

37. Paul and Paula, “The Happy Holiday”
Lyric: “Mistletoe means”
Misheard as: “Mistletoe meat”

38. John Lennon, “Happy Xmas (The War Is Over)”
Lyric: “For near and the dear ones”
Misheard as: “We’re here at the Pier One”

39. “Here Comes Santa Claus”
Lyric: “He’s got a bag that’s filled with toys for boys and girls again.”
Misheard as: “He’s got a bag that’s filled with toys for poison girls again.”

40. Brenda Lee, “I’m Gonna Lasso Santa Claus”
Lyric: “I’m gonna pull, pull, pull on his beard.”
Misheard as: “I’m gonna poop, poop, poop on his beard.”

41. “Joy to the World”
Lyric: “He rules the world with truth and grace/And makes the nations prove.”
Misheard as: “He rules the world with truth and grace/And makes the nations prudes.”

42. Wham!, “Last Christmas”
Lyric: “This year, to save me from tears/I gave it to someone special.”
Misheard as: “This year, to semi frontiers/I gave it to someone special.”

43. The Carpenters, “Little Jesus”
Lyric: “He will rock you”
Misheard as: “He will rob you”

44. Harry Belafonte,”Mary’s Boy Child”
Lyric: “A new King’s born today.”
Misheard as: “New kids’ porn today.”

45. Anne Murray, “No Room at the Inn”
Lyric: “The bellboy and the porter, the waitress and the cook/Will be witnessed walking in Heaven.”
Misheard as: “The bellboy and the porter, the waitress and the cook/Will be wintessed f***ing in Heaven.”

46. “O Come, O Come, Emanuel”
Lyric: “Rejoice!”
Misheard as: “Bring toys!”

47. “O Christmas Tree”
Lyric: “Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, how lovely are your branches”
Misheard as: “Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, how lovely are your britches”

48. “O Holy Night”
Lyric: “This is the night of the dear Savior’s birth”
Misheard as: “This is the night of the deerslayer’s birth”

49. “O Little Town of Bethlehem”
Lyric: “O little town of Bethlehem”
Misheard as: “O little town of Beckley-hem”

50. Orgy, “Santa’s Creepy Secret”
Lyric: “You’ll get your Christmas wish/When you sleep with the fish”
Misheard as: “Did you get your Christmas wish/Did you sleep with the bitch”

51. The Royal Guardsmen, “Snoopy’s Christmas”
Lyric: “And then with a roar they were both on their way/Each knowing they’d meet on some other day”
Misheard as: “And then with a roar they were both on their way/It’s snowin’ made meat on some other day.”

52. Elton John, “Step Into Christmas”
Lyric: “Step into Christmas/The admission is free.”
Misheard as: “September Christmas/Be a fish on a tree.”

53. How the Grinch Stole Christmas, “Welcome Christmas”
Lyric: “Fah who for-aze!/Dah who dor-aze!”
Misheard as: “Bathroom florist!/Bathroom florist!”

54. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
Lyric: “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus”
Misheard as: “I saw Mommy killing Santa Claus”

55. “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”
Lyric: “Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walkin’ home from our house Christmas Eve”
Misheard as: “Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walkin’ home from outhouse Christmas Eve”

56. “Sleigh Ride”
Lyric: “Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, ‘You hoo!'”
Misheard as: “Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, ‘You fool!'”

57. Alvin and the Chipmunks, “Christmastime Is Here”
Lyric: “Time for joy and time for cheers”
Misheard as: “Time for boys and time for tears”

58. Paul McCartney, “A Wonderful Christmas Time”
Lyric: “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time”
Misheard as: “Disney’s having a wonderful Christmas time”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “I thought this song had been the soundtrack to a Disney Christmas special or had been the representation to every Walt Disney Christmas special that had ever been made. How wrong I was.”

59. Andy Williams, “Happy Holidays”
Lyric: “…Leave a peppermint stick for Old Saint Nick, hanging on the Christmas tree.”
Misheard as: “…Place a peppermint stick around your ***k, hanging for all to see.”

60. Brenda Lee, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”
Lyric: “Later we’ll have some pumpkin pie and we’ll do some caroling.”
Misheard as: “Maybe we’ll have some f**kin’ pie and we’ll shoot some cat or thing”

61. Mariah Carey, “All I Want for Christmas”
Lyric: “I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Misheard as: “I don’t want her, not for Christmas.”

62. The Beach Boys, “Little Saint Nick”
Lyric: “Merry Christmas Saint Nick”
Misheard as: “Merry Christmas Satan”

63. Hanson, “At Christmas”
Lyric: “Memories round the Christmas tree/Are the sweetest ones that remain with me”
Misheard as: “Memories round the Christmas tree/Are the sweetest swans that will mate with me”

64. Mariah Carey, “Oh! Santa”
Lyric: “Oh Santa!/I heard that it’s really gonna snow this year/So I hope Rudolph and them other 8 reindeer/Get you safely here”
Misheard as: “Oh Santa!/I heard that it’s really gonna snow this year/So I hope for a phantom of the ape reindeer/But you’re safely here”

65. Elvis Presley, “Santa Bring My Baby Back to Me”
Lyric: “Santa bring my baby back to me”
Misheard as: “Santa, break my leg, bring it back to me”

66. “The Wassail Song”
Lyric: “Here we come a-wassailing”
Misheard as: “Here we come a-waddling”

67. Andy Williams, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”
Lyric: “It’s the most wonderful time of the year”
Misheard as: “It’s the most wonderful time for a beer”

68. Coca-Cola “Holidays Are Coming”
Lyric: “Holidays are coming, holidays are coming, holidays are coming….
Misheard as: “Hurricanes a coming, hurricanes a coming, hurricanes a coming…”

69. N’SYNC, “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays”
Lyric: “And all the blessings from above/God sends you His love”
Misheard as: “And all the blessings from above/Condoms you just love”

70. Judy Garland, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”
Lyric: “Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of yore.”
Misheard as: “Here we are, as in olden days, happy golden rays, up yours.”

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers

The-Classic-Christmas-Album-cover

It’s that time of year again when Christmas music beckons in the stores to the point of basically making your ears bleed. Working at Macy’s, I have had to hear hours worth of Christmas music during my shifts, which sometimes makes me sick of hearing it. Yet, there’s this song I particularly despise called “Last Christmas” originally recorded by Wham!, wondering if it’s perhaps the most played Christmas song at the Guantanamo Bay Detention Center. And I admit, just to listen to that song once is torture. Still, imagine being the people who have to do these songs either as the artist or the songwriter (sometimes both, but these are old songs). Did you know that a lot of guys who wrote a great portion of your favorite Christmas songs were Jews? Of course, we all know about Irving Berlin writing “White Christmas” but a Jewish guy also wrote the song “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Then of course, you have a lot of high profile artists do Christmas albums which usually sell before ending up on the discount rack in some Big Lots after the Christmas season. Still, we know that a lot of these musical recording artists probably have contractual obligations, record the album in July, and probably don’t want to sing a lot unoriginal songs for an album that will only sell a part of the year. Still, without further adieu, here’s a treasure trove of some of the tackiest Christmas album covers just to get your mind off the Christmas music you probably can’t get out of your head.

1. Thore Skogman: Klappa Pa!

This guy seems very enthusiastic about his Christmas sausage. Seems like he's a bit of a gourmand himself. Still, hope he's not from the Eastern Bloc since I wouldn't know how he obtained that fruit.

This guy seems very enthusiastic about his Christmas sausage. Seems like he’s a bit of a gourmand himself. Still, hope he’s not from the Eastern Bloc since I wouldn’t know how he obtained that fruit.

I suppose in this man’s country, “Klappa Pa!” means Christmas sausage time.

2. Eilert Pilarm: Eilerts Jul

He looks more like the drunken IT guy at the office Christmas party than anything relating to a Santa's helper version of Elvis Presley. Probably passes out in the middle of "Blue Christmas."

He looks more like the drunken IT guy at the office Christmas party than anything relating to a Santa’s helper version of Elvis Presley. Probably passes out in the middle of “Blue Christmas.”

Merry Christmas from the North Pole’s resident Elvis Impersonator.

3. Conway Twitty: A Twismas Story with Twitty Bird and Their Little Friends

Yes, that looks like Tweety Bird all right. Still, while Tweety Bird went on to become a fantastic and beloved Looney Tunes character for generations, Twitty Bird's alcoholism went from bad to worse and he was found dead in his cage from liver cirrhosis a la Hank Williams style.

Yes, that looks like Tweety Bird all right. Still, while Tweety Bird went on to become a fantastic and beloved Looney Tunes character for generations, Twitty Bird’s alcoholism went from bad to worse and he was found dead in his cage from liver cirrhosis a la Hank Williams style.

I’m sure Warner Brothers threatened to sue if Conway Twitty used Tweety Bird.

4. Lenny Dee: Happy Holi-dee

He may not be Santa but I'd certainly would never let my dog sit on his lap. After all, he seems to harbor evil in his eyes.

He may not be Santa but I’d certainly would never let my dog sit on his lap. After all, he seems to harbor evil in his eyes.

Oh, Lenny!  You and your poodles! I bet they ride on your lap in your car, too!

5. 24 Sint Nicolaasliedjes

Of course, after listening to David Sedaris' "6 to 8 Black Men" essay, there was no way I could leave this one out. Still, if your Secret Santa is black, stay away from this one.

Of course, after listening to David Sedaris’ “6 to 8 Black Men” essay, there was no way I could leave this one out. Still, if your Secret Santa recipient is black, stay away from this one.

For any traditional Dutch Christmas with Saint Nick and gift giving tar babies in all.

6. The Hokner Kazoo Orchestra: Christmas with Kazoo

It's like an instrumental version of the horrible Kidz Bop series. Still, seriously, why would anyone in their right mind think this was a good idea?

It’s like an instrumental version of the horrible Kidz Bop series. Still, seriously, why would anyone in their right mind think this was a good idea?

Listen to Christmas music on kiddie toy instruments.

7. White Christmas

Man, this guy seems like he's a. stepped on his kids' legos, b. received a hit in the groin from karate class, c. is constipated, or d. all of the above.

Man, this guy seems like he’s a. stepped on his kids’ legos, b. received a hit in the groin from karate class, c. is constipated, d. passing a kidney stone, or e. all of the above.

So, apparently Christmas albums are a thing in South Korea. Boy, that guy must be in serious pain.

8. A First Christmas Record for Children

Now this Santa is just terrifying beyond all description. Seriously, what were the album designers thinking? Then again, they were probably under contract anyway.

Now this Santa is just terrifying beyond all description. Seriously, what were the album designers thinking? Then again, they were probably under contract anyway.

If you want your children to develop a love of Christmas songs and a lifelong fear of Santa, then this is the album for you.

9. Merry Christmas with the Mom and Dads

Actually, when I see their faces, I seriously feel kind of creeped out instead of welcomed. Seriously, I'm sure there's a dead body in their house somewhere.

Actually, when I see their faces, I seriously feel kind of creeped out instead of welcomed. Seriously, I’m sure there’s a dead body in their house somewhere.

Kind of like a Christmas version of Mama Mia! but with ugly people and not ABBA.

10. Kiro Slabinac: Christmas with Kiro

Now this probably have to be the cheesiest Santa Claus I've ever seen. Seriously, that 1970s looking stache makes him more suitable for some porn or exploitation film than anything relating to wholesome entertainment.

Now this probably have to be the cheesiest Santa Claus I’ve ever seen which doesn’t have an ounce of jolly in him. Seriously, that 1970s looking stache makes him more suitable for some porn or exploitation film than anything relating to wholesome entertainment. Also, seems like he’d basically bash your brains out during a pool tournament at the North Pole.

I’m sorry, folks, but I’m sure Santa Claus doesn’t really belong in the glam rock scene or studio wrestling for that matter.

11. Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album

Yes, Star Wars fans, this does exist. So you can hear all your Christmas favorites sung by your favorite Star Wars characters. Also, it was Han who shot Santa Claus first.

Yes, Star Wars fans, this does exist. So you can hear all your Christmas favorites sung by your favorite Star Wars characters. Also, it was Han who shot Santa Claus first.

Merry Christmas a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away…

12. Christmas on Death Row

I'm sure nobody wants to hear Sherman and the Skinheads' version of "White Christmas," do you? I'm sure that one has nothing to do with snow.

I’m sure nobody wants to hear Sherman and the Skinheads’ version of “White Christmas,” do you? I’m sure that one has nothing to do with snow.

Hear all your Christmas favorites sung by the likes of some of the most dangerous criminals in the country.

13. The Black & White Minstrel Show featuring the George Mitchell Minstrels: The Magic of Christmas

Seriously, why the fuck does this album exist? You mean they were still doing minstrel shows at this time? Shouldn't these be burned already? And I don't mean burned as CDs. I mean like bonfire burned so nobody would see such minstrel albums again.

Seriously, why the fuck does this album exist? You mean they were still doing minstrel shows at this time? Shouldn’t these be burned already? And I don’t mean burned as CDs. I mean like bonfire burned so nobody would see such minstrel albums again. Wait until the NAACP hears about this.

Enjoy Christmas like your white ancestors did in a way you’d really want to forget. Available in all Jim Crow and KKK record stores. Key songs are: “Have Yourself a Racist Little Christmas,” “White Christmas,” “Burn the Fiery Cross,” “The Little Klu Klux Boy,” and “Yuletide Lynching Time.”

14. The Blues Busters: Merry Christmas

However, I don't know what to make of having these two guys' disembodied heads on a Christmas wreath. Now that looks really freaky.

However, I don’t know what to make of having these two guys’ disembodied heads on a Christmas wreath. Now that looks really freaky.

Merry Christmas from the black guys who seem to be ripping off the Blues Brothers, at least in name anyway.

15. Gaby Berger: Du Bist Nicht Der Weihnachts-Mann

After posing on this album with Psycho Claus, Gaby Berger would never be seen again. It's rumored that the guy behind the Santa mask brutally murdered her in cold blood.

After posing on this album with Psycho Claus, Gaby Berger would never be seen again. It’s rumored that the guy behind the Santa mask brutally murdered her in cold blood.

I’m no expert in German but I’m sure this means “A Silent Night with Psycho Claus.”

16. X-Mas Project

Is it just me or do those rock Santas seem like they've just come out of the grave for some reason? Also, I'm sure the cover artist was fired immediately after doing this.

Is it just me or do those rock Santas seem like they’ve just come out of the grave for some reason? Also, I’m sure the cover artist was fired immediately after doing this.

Celebrate the season with this rock group of Santa death metal musicians.

17. Tiny Tim: Tiny Tim’s Christmas Album

Of course, while Tiny Tim may have the kind of face you'd like to see on some heavy metal or real dark emo cover, he actually had a rather high pitched voice and was known for doing, "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" on a ukelele. And he got married on a light night show. Nevertheless, he was a very creepy dude.

Of course, while Tiny Tim may have the kind of face you’d like to see on some heavy metal or real dark emo cover, he actually had a rather high pitched voice and was known for doing, “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” on a ukelele. And he got married on a late night show. Nevertheless, he was a very creepy dude.

Despite the cover imagery, this album doesn’t fall under death metal or emo. In fact, quite the contrary to the fans’ disappointment.

18. The Surfers: Christmas from Hawaii

Of course, the Surfers actually wanted a different artificial Christmas tree, but the aluminum pink one was the only one the store had that could fit on their boat.

Of course, the Surfers actually wanted a different artificial Christmas tree, but the aluminum pink one was the only one the store had that could fit on their boat.

Because nothing stirs up your nostalgia for Christmas more than four shirtless Polynesian guys rowing a canoe with a pink aluminum Christmas tree on it.

19. Santa’s Helpers: All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth & Festive Favorites for Children

At least if this kid had some form of corrective vision surgery, he might be significantly less creepy than he seems in this album cover. Seriously, what were they thinking?

At least if this kid had some form of corrective vision surgery, he might be significantly less creepy than he seems in this album cover. Seriously, what were they thinking?

Well, this child has his two front teeth but perhaps you might want to buy this album so he could have some corrective vision surgery for being cross eyed.

20. Wilf Carter: Christmas in Canada

Seriously, if it didn't say "Christmas in Canada" I would've mistaken this for some country western album. I don't know what the Canadians think about such a design, but here in America, we don't associate Canadians with cowboy culture. Probably should've used a Mountie or a hockey player instead.

Seriously, if it didn’t say “Christmas in Canada” I would’ve mistaken this for some country western album. I don’t know what the Canadians think about such a design, but here in America, we don’t associate Canadians with cowboy culture. Probably should’ve used a Mountie or a hockey player instead.

Because nothing reminds us of a Canadian Christmas more than a man dressed as a snazzy cowboy holding a guitar. Oh, wait, I’m thinking of Texas.

21. Heino: Deutcshe Weihnacht…und Festliche Lieder

For those who haven't seen my post on tacky album covers, Heino's the guy I said seems more appropriate for some Dieter inspired music video. He was the guy holding the roses. And he's even more terrifying in shades.

For those who haven’t seen my post on tacky album covers back in February, Heino’s the guy I said seems more appropriate for some Dieter inspired music video. He was the guy holding the roses. And he’s even more terrifying in shades.

Man, I didn’t know that Dieter’s creepy blond friend had a Christmas album. Must be very popular back in Germany.

22. The Border Brass: Tijuana Christmas

Also, I don't know about you, but I'm sure Tijuana, Mexico isn't known for their harsh snowy winters during the Christmas season. In fact, the average winter temperatures in Tijuana are usually in the upper 50s and you don't have a white Christmas in those weather conditions.

Also, I don’t know about you, but I’m sure Tijuana, Mexico isn’t known for their harsh snowy winters during the Christmas season. In fact, the average winter temperatures in Tijuana are usually in the upper 50s and you don’t have a white Christmas in those weather conditions.

Or as someone who spent high school and college playing in marching band: How Not to Decorate Your Instrument for Christmas. I mean putting baubles at the bell end of your trumpet is a very terrible idea. Also, playing with mittens doesn’t help either.

23. Colonel Sanders: Christmas with Colonel Sanders

Seriously, how did this album ever come to exist? Then again, it's tradition in Japan to eat KFC for Christmas since the 1970s so that probably has something to do with it.

Seriously, how did this album ever come to exist? Then again, it’s tradition in Japan to eat KFC for Christmas since the 1970s so that probably has something to do with it.

Have a Kentucky Fried Christmas with the Colonel because who in the hell needs healthy arteries this holiday season?

24. Slim Whitman: Christmas with Slim Whitman

Still, despite him looking quite skeevy in his Hugh Hefner style smoking jacket and ascot, I'm sure Slim Whitman's music will live on forever since it really comes in handy during a Martian invasion. Seriously, it makes Martians' heads explode.

Still, despite him looking quite skeevy in his Hugh Hefner style smoking jacket and ascot, I’m sure Slim Whitman’s music will live on forever since it really comes in handy during a Martian invasion. Seriously, it makes Martians’ heads explode.

I’m sure this Christmas album was totally not contractually obligated. Sure it was.

25. Korla Pandit: Merry Xmas

Then again, snake charming Christmas music might really come in handy during this holiday season, especially if you live in areas with a lot of mice and vermin. Of course, this may not be a good thing in Florida with the Burmese Python roaming around. Those can get quite big and possibly eat you.

Then again, snake charming Christmas music might really come in handy during this holiday season, especially if you live in areas with a lot of mice and vermin. Of course, this may not be a good thing in Florida with the Burmese Python roaming around. Those can get quite big and possibly eat you.

Finally, the kind of Christmas music to charm snakes with. Also, totally not contractually obligated (yeah right, this guy probably doesn’t even celebrate Christmas).

26. Jimmy Buffet: Christmas Island

Seems like Jimmy Buffet has spent too much time wasting away in Margaritaville. Either that, or has been on an epic mission searching for his lost shaker of salt.

Seems like Jimmy Buffet has spent too much time wasting away in Margaritaville. Either that, or has been on an epic adventure searching for his lost shaker of salt. Still, that tan is just atrocious.

Nothing says Christmas like a guy in a Santa hat floating across the sea in a bathtub decked with Christmas lights and tinsel decorations.

27. The Goldiggers: We Need a Little Christmas

I'm sure that's whatever in those presents aren't exactly what these women wanted for Christmas. To know what these girls wanted for Christmas, see the track of "Santa Baby." You get the idea.

I’m sure that’s whatever in those presents aren’t exactly what these women wanted for Christmas. To know what these girls wanted for Christmas, see the track of “Santa Baby.” You get the idea.

Merry Christmas from the Society of Retired Bond Girls, apparently. Then again, these women might’ve been in the James Coburn Our Man Flint series, which my dad likes for some reason. Of course, they were making fun of the Bond movies. Still, that In Like Flint makes me understand why many women became feminists (because it was horribly sexist).

28. Jacob Miller and Ray I: Natty Christmas

Still, unless you live in Colorado and Washington (as far as I know), you might get arrested for having a marijuana Christmas tree. Yet, one of the great things about a pot tree is that you can smoke it after you're done with it.

Still, unless you live in Colorado and Washington (as far as I know), you might get arrested for having a marijuana Christmas tree. Yet, one of the great things about a pot tree is that you can smoke it after you’re done with it.

Jacob and Ray wish that all of you develop a lot of high times this Christmas and have a stoned New Year.

29. Merry Christmas

As you've probably guess, this was recorded in Japan. Still, this little girl seems quite friendly for someone who's able to crush buildings and eat you alive. Her gigantic condition probably was a side affect from Hiroshima or something.

As you’ve probably guess, this was recorded in Japan. Still, this little girl seems quite friendly for someone who’s able to crush buildings and eat you alive. Her gigantic condition probably was a side affect from Hiroshima or something.

Merry Christmas from the cherry 100 ft tall Asian child, who’ll probably be destined to square off with Godzilla in Tokyo someday.

30. Joyeux Noel

Seriously, that tan doesn't look real at all. Still, she doesn't seem to be in the festive mood for this Christmas season. Then again, they may be aiming for irony here.

Seriously, that tan doesn’t look real at all. Still, she doesn’t seem to be in the festive mood for this Christmas season. Then again, they may be aiming for irony here.

Nothing says Christmas than an aluminum Christmas tree and a depressed blond who seems to be spending too much time in the tanning salon.

31. Domencio Savino and his Orchestra and Chorus: Hi-Fi Christmas Party

Of course, how they managed to fit Santa in his bright red sack without damaging the toys, I'll never know. Oh, yes, magic. Now I remember.

Of course, how they managed to fit Santa in his bright red sack without damaging the toys, I’ll never know. Oh, yes, magic. Now I remember.

There’s nothing that brings a family together for Christmas than a mother and her children cheerfully attempting to hold Santa hostage in his sack.

32. Sing with Marcy

I have yet to understand the use of why ventriloquism seems to be so rampant in the Christian media. And the dummies always seem to be so creepy. Still, I'm sure Marcy is likely to haunt children in their dreams.

I have yet to understand the use of why ventriloquism seems to be so rampant in the Christian media. And the dummies always seem to be so creepy. Still, I’m sure Marcy is likely to haunt children in their dreams with her plans for world domination.

Because you celebrate the birth of Christ without hearing a scary woman decked in red and furs sing about Jesus with her equally creepy dummy.

33. Michl Kang: Wenn’s Christmaskindl Kommit

For a traditional German Christmas album, there are so many options for a cover. I mean they could've used Saint Nicholas giving sweets to children or a rustic village in the snow. Why they chose Grandpa making children cry, I have no idea.

For a traditional German Christmas album, there are so many options for a cover. I mean they could’ve used Saint Nicholas giving sweets to children or a rustic village in the snow. Why they chose Grandpa making children cry, I have no idea.

Looks like Grandpa made young Jurgen cry after he  told the kiddies about the legendary Krampus. Probably scared the shit out him that there’s a large dark spot on Jurgen’s lederhosen.

34. Jackie Gleason: All I Want for Christmas

For those unfamiliar with vintage pop culture, let me tell you that Jackie Gleason wasn't known for being blond bombshell singer. In fact, Jackie Gleason was actually a guy known for his work as an actor, comedian, and musician best remembered as Ralph Kramden from The Honeymooners. Also, he was know to have dark hair and be overweight. He was also at least middle aged at the time. Having him in a Santa suit on the cover would've been more appropriate.

For those unfamiliar with vintage pop culture, let me tell you that Jackie Gleason wasn’t known for being blond bombshell singer and model. In fact, Jackie Gleason was actually a guy known for his work as an actor, comedian, and musician best remembered as Ralph Kramden from The Honeymooners. Also, he was know to have dark hair and be overweight as well as didn’t achieve widespread fame until he was in his late 30s. Having him in a Santa suit on the cover would’ve been more appropriate.

When your job is to design an album cover and you’ve run out of ideas, you’ll more likely go with putting a blond bombshell in a Santa suit on it.

35. Rudy Ray Moore: This Ain’t No White Christmas

Yes, I know this cover is fairly offensive to the African American community, yet at least this is better than the covers featuring blackface. Still, for those thinking that rap covers are offensive, you might want to send an apology.

Yes, I know this cover is fairly offensive to the African American community, yet at least this is better than the covers featuring blackface. Still, for those thinking that rap covers are offensive, you might want to send an apology.

Because there’s no better way to say “Merry Christmas” in the realm of blackploitation. Also a way of telling the world, “I’m a pimp.”

36. Phil Spector: Christmas Album

We should've known that Phil Spector was a mad man capable of killing somebody. Yet, we ignored this album image because he was known to produce really great records with the Beatles, John Lennon, and the Ramones.

We should’ve known that Phil Spector was a mad man capable of killing somebody. Yet, we ignored this album image because he was known to produce really great records with the Beatles, John Lennon, and the Ramones.

Now this Santa seems so sketchy with an insane look in his eyes that you’d think he might be out to kill somebody. Oh, wait, that’s Phil Spector so he did. And that snow looks totally fake.

37. Bordello Mamas: Julvisor

Still, I have to admire this cover artist's use of having at least one full figured woman in here. However, Santa has a lot to answer for if Mrs. Claus ends up contracting genital herpes.

Still, I have to admire this cover artist’s use of having at least one full figured woman in here. However, Santa has a lot to answer for if Mrs. Claus ends up contracting genital herpes.

Nothing excites a bunch of naked women more than a pantsless Santa and his sack full of dildos. Possibly the most inappropriate album cover I’ve ever seen as well as the most unnecessary since porn is more of a visual medium if you know what I mean.

38. Nuttin’ and Suzy Snowflake: Nuttin’ for Christmas and Suzy Snowflake

Yes, I'm sure this album will make an unforgettable as if these two terrifying puppets are about to murder you in your sleep. Seriously, they're creepy as hell.

Yes, I’m sure this album will make an unforgettable as if these two terrifying puppets are about to murder you in your sleep. Seriously, they’re creepy as hell.

Now you get a glimpse on what it’s like to spend the holidays with Chucky’s family.

39. Liberace: Twas the Night Before Christmas

Still, whether you like it or not, I'm sure that there can be no more appropriate image for Liberace Christmas album than having him in his ridiculous multi-decker fur coat. Of course, let's hope it's not made from baby seals.

Still, whether you like it or not, I’m sure that there can be no more appropriate image for Liberace Christmas album than having him in his ridiculous multi-decker fur coat. Of course, let’s hope it’s not made from baby seals.

If it weren’t for Liberace being flamboyantly gay, I would’ve sworn that he was Lady Gaga’s biological father.

40. Lagna Fieta and his Orchestra: Natal Dancante

I know that the title translates to: "Christmas Dance Party" from Portuguese. Yet, when I see a picture of two lets sticking out from a sack, I don't think the term "dance party" comes to mind. Seems like Santa Claus has some explaining to do.

I know that the title translates to: “Christmas Dance Party” from Portuguese. Yet, when I see a picture of two lets sticking out from a sack, I don’t think the term “dance party” comes to mind. Seems like Santa Claus has some explaining to do.

Or as I call it: Santa Claus and the Missing White Woman.

41. Kay Martin and her Body Guards: I Know What He Wants for Christmas But I Don’t Know How to Wrap It!

Man, this album cover does demonstrate how sex seems to sell in the music industry. Still, it's kind of funny considering that SNL did a sketch on a similar matter with the music video to "Dick in a Box." But that only applies to guys.

Man, this album cover does demonstrate how sex seems to sell in the music industry. Still, it’s kind of funny considering that SNL did a sketch on a similar matter with the music video to “Dick in a Box.” Yet, when it comes to wrapping, ladyparts are a bit more complicated.

For God’s sake, lady, I’m sure we all know how to keep your present a secret this Christmas. Still, he might appreciate something more concrete like a new wallet, some tools an gadgets, or perhaps a jersey from his favorite sports team.

42. Merry Christmas to You

Even more ironic is that this album features artists such as Pat Boone, the Lennon Sisters, the Mills Brothers, and the Lawrence Welk Orchestra. These artists weren't exactly people you'd expect on an album with such a provocative cover.

Even more ironic is that this album features artists such as Pat Boone, the Lennon Sisters, the Mills Brothers, and the Lawrence Welk Orchestra. These artists weren’t exactly people you’d expect on an album with such a provocative cover.

Apparently, in the 1960s, being clothed in nothing but clear plastic was considered wholesomely dressed.

43. Ross Christman: Space Age Santa Claus

I just have a few questions about this picture. For one, why is that tree still alive while Santa is wearing a space helmet? Also, how does Santa keep his toys in his sack within zero gravity?

I just have a few questions about this picture. For one, why is that tree still alive while Santa is wearing a space helmet? Also, how does Santa keep his toys in his sack within zero gravity?

Santa Claus sends his Christmas wishes, from Space!

44. Tim Dinkins: Christmas on the Moon

Seems like moon fever was so great in the summer of 1969 that it spread over the the Christmas music industry as well. Still, hope Santa got back all right afterwards.

Seems like moon fever was so great in the summer of 1969 that it spread over the the Christmas music industry as well. Still, hope Santa got back all right afterwards.

Guess Santa Claus took part in the Apollo Space Program didn’t he? At least this space album makes better sense from the last one. Guess Santa’s involvement was a state secret.

45. The Three Suns: A Ding Dong Dandy Christmas!

Still, I wonder if she either "spread eagle" as they found her or were they involved in some kinky figure skating routine beforehand. Maybe I don't want to know.

Still, I wonder if she either “spread eagle” as they found her or were they involved in some kinky figure skating routine beforehand. Maybe I don’t want to know.

Seems like this woman just got lucky on the ice three times over in “spread eagle” mode. Luckily this wasn’t during the hockey game. Still, makes me shudder to think what kind of figure 8s these guys gave her.

46. It’s a Waffle House Christmas

Seriously, Christmas and Waffle House really don't go together. I mean besides breakfast, the Waffle House is also known as some sort of dive for drunks and stoners at 2 a.m. Basically a poor man's version of "Hotel California."

Seriously, Christmas and Waffle House really don’t go together. I mean besides breakfast, the Waffle House is also known as some sort of dive for drunks and stoners at 2 a.m. Basically a poor man’s version of “Hotel California.”

Celebrate Christmas with the sounds of perhaps one of the more depressing places to stay during the Christmas season.

47. Anne Guest Moore: Welcome to the World of Anne Guest Moore

Well, I'm sure she's only doing the Santa's Little Helper gig for the 20% discounts. Still, I guess we all have to get our start somewhere, even if it's in a velvet costume.

Well, I’m sure she’s only doing the Santa’s Little Helper gig for the 20% discounts. Still, I guess we all have to get our start somewhere, even if it’s in a velvet costume.

While not spending her nights at lavish parties during the evening as a lady of the night, she spends her time during the day as an elf for Santa at the mall.

48. Connie Francis: Christmas in My Heart

Seriously, whoever she's on the phone with is probably a telemarker, an ex-boyfriend who can't take a hint, or both. Either way, she seems moments away from hanging up on the annoying caller in question.

Seriously, whoever she’s on the phone with is probably a telemarker, an ex-boyfriend who can’t take a hint, or both. Either way, she seems moments away from hanging up on the annoying caller in question.

Well, while Christmas may be in her heart, I’m sure the person she’s on the phone with isn’t.

49. John Tesh: A Romantic Christmas

No wonder why the people of Lexington boarded up their houses whenever they thought they heard Paul Revere say, "John Tesh is coming!" Of course, this is coming from a sketch pertaining to a 1990s Warner Brothers cartoon Histeria, which unfortunately isn't available in DVD. Bastards.

No wonder why the people of Lexington boarded up their houses whenever they thought they heard Paul Revere say, “John Tesh is coming!” Of course, this is coming from a sketch pertaining to a 1990s Warner Brothers cartoon Histeria, which unfortunately isn’t available in DVD. Bastards.

Only romance going on here is whether John Tesh decides to spare this lady from his advances this Christmas Eve.

50. Disco Noel

I don't know about you but I really don't think that Christmas and Disco really go together. Still, this woman really seems particularly excited to decorate her home with little ornaments of disco balls.

I don’t know about you but I really don’t think that Christmas and Disco really go together. Still, this woman really seems particularly excited to decorate her home with little ornaments of disco balls.

At your Christmas party, celebrate the holiday season with your Christmas classics set to funky disco music.

Christmas Music: The Good, the Bad, and the Annoying

Of course, it’s that time of year when many radio stations deviate from their usual set up and start playing Christmas songs on the radio regardless of what everyone else thinks or believes in. Sure they may be annoying but not all of them are bad. So in order to evaluate I’ll come up with a system on which Christmas songs I think are good, bad, or just plain annoying after hearing them all the time. Now here are my evaluations for Christmas songs.

The Good

Many traditional Christmas songs I’d put in this category since many of them are over 100 years old and we still play them. I’d especially reserve many traditional religious Christmas songs like “O Come All Ye Faithful,” “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,” “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear,” “O Little Town of Bethlehem,” “Angels We Have Heard on High,” “The First Noel,” and “O Holy Night.” Of course, Christmas has always been a religious holiday celebrating the birth of Christ but even public school children play these songs (like I did in band from fourth grade to high school) since the melodies are so pretty. And let’s just say these songs have so much cultural and musical value that no one’s going to care whether these violate the separation between church and state (well, almost no one). In fact, as long as it’s good Christmas music, I don’t care if it’s played in public schools since many of the recent secular Christmas music has a good chance of sucking anyway.

Classical music with Christmas songs also belong here like The Nutcracker Suite, “Patta Pan,” “Ukranian Bell Carol,” and “Ave Maria.” These are beautiful melodies and I see no reason why anyone shouldn’t be made to listen to them.

Many recent Christmas songs like “Let It Snow,” “Winter Wonderland,” “White Christmas,” “Jingle Bell Rock,” “I’ll Be Home for Christmas,” or “Walking Around the Christmas Tree” since many of them have been treasured for generations and aren’t overwhelmingly annoying. Besides, many are also in Christmas canon.

I’d also put many funny Christmas songs in this category as well since I always like a good laugh now and then. Some of the songs from Stephen Colbert’s Christmas special are hilarious like “Another Christmas Song,” “Little Dealer Boy,” “There Are Far Worse Things to Believe In,” and “Cold, Cold, Christmas.” I’d also like to add “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” since it has so many clever insults, the spoof of that Nat King Cole song talking about roasting critters, the one about a girl wanted a hippo for Christmas (though real hippos are perhaps among the most aggressive and dangerous animals on the planet), and others.

The Bad

“Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”- the Bruce Springsteen version is particularly bad since he sounds constipated singing it.

“All I Want for Christmas Is You”- decent song until the music video featuring Justin Bieber came along.

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”- I actually had to learn this in music class in elementary school and even then I thought it was kind of messed up. The kid basically sees his mother making out with Santa Claus which may cause the boy to either think his mother’s been cheating on his dad or (far more likely) that Santa is actually his dad and doesn’t exist. Nevertheless, his Christmas is ruined and he’ll spend significant time in therapy as an adult.

“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”- when you really think about it, this is a really sick song trying to make light of something not funny at all. I mean it’s about an old woman who gets killed being run over by Santa Claus while walking home after getting drunk on Christmas Eve. Seriously, do any of you know how many people get killed during the holidays from drunk driving accidents?

“Baby It’s Cold Outside”- this is pretty messed up, too, and may romanticize date rape. A man tries to convince a woman to stay at his house for unspeakable activities while she really wants to leave. Apparently the guy doesn’t get that no means no and does anything he can to keep her there. Jerk. Still, since this was probably recorded in the 1950s, I don’t think he’d have access to roofies since they were a 1970s product. Nevertheless, it’s pretty creepy and misogynistic and there are plenty of YouTube videos on this.

“Do They Know It’s Christmas?” -a Christmas song to make us feel guilty about starving children in Africa, apparently not one many people would want to hear.

“Christmas Don’t Be Late”- a song by Alvin in the Chipmunks which explains why the Nat King Cole parody “Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire” is so goddamn funny. Seriously, this song is torture and I wonder if they use it at Gitmo during the holidays.

“Christmas Shoes”- it’s like the Christmas song equivalent to a Thomas Kinkade painting, in a way his reputation is known to art students. I listened to this song once and it’s just so saccharine and badly written. Same goes for other Christmas songs.

“Santa Baby”- hmm, so the girl in this song treats Santa Claus like he’s her sugar daddy and willing to bang him to get whatever she wants. Perhaps she should just forget about banging Santa and marry a Wall Street banker if she’s such a gold digger. Also, her sexually suggestive references to Santa are kind of disturbing.

“Jingle Bells”- well, perhaps it’s one of the more annoying songs but if you read some of the lesser known verses, you find that this isn’t the innocent Christmas carol you thought it was. Sure it’s about youthful fun but sometimes this song makes light on what you’d call a reckless driving incident shown here:

“A day or two ago
I thought I’d take a ride
And soon Miss Fanny Bright
Was seated by my side
The horse was lean and lank
Misfortune seemed his lot
We got into a drifted bank
And then we got upshot”

Then there’s another verse where he falls out of his sleigh and his rival just laughs at him. In the original version there’s another when he’s giving his friend advice on how to pick up girls, find a faster horse, and take off at full speed, obviously not learning his lesson on led to his problems in the first place. Some things haven’t changed since 1857.

Many country songs pertaining to Christmas tend to fall into this category since they could range from either depressing like John Denver’s “Please, Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk for Christmas” to the obnoxiously political which I don’t want to go into. These songs either make me feel annoyed, depressed, or angry.

The Annoying

“The 12 Days of Christmas”- not a bad song but kind of too long and not appropriate for a Christmas concert.

“Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer”- sweet kids’ song but I’ll eventually get sick of it by the time Christmas rolls around.

“The Little Drummer Boy”- never really liked this song and played it in band once, have been fed up with it ever since.

“Frosty the Snowman”- will be in my head for days on end to the point of driving me crazy. Has also been done to death.

“Dominick the Donkey”-this is one deriving from Italy yet might be best used to divert intruders. It’s just so annoying that it drives me insane.

“All I want for Christmas Is My Two-Front Teeth”- might have liked the song when I was a kid but now can only tolerate it being played once a year.

“Feliz Navidad”- just don’t get me started.