Apparently, the dogs seem to have others ideas. Also, is she hugging a fur coat?

I’m sure this yuletide drag routine is fine for RuPaul’s Drag Race. But for a Christmas album? Not so much. Also, the title doesn’t help matters either.

This doesn’t seem to be very Christmasy. Nothing here seems to inspire good cheer at all. Just a vast blackness.

Bette Midler looks as if she’s about select tributes on Reaping Day. Not celebrate Christmas.

Though Towa couldn’t seem to eke a smile since a fly had been buzzing around her. This was the best she could do.

Then again, Santa was probably expecting a gaudy palace. And he was disappointed that he came to surprisingly normal furnishings.

Guess the chemistry they had in Grease has evaporated. Also, is that John’s real hair?

Can’t believe you’d find another cat singing album. Still, the cat on the guitar is hilarious.

Don’t seem to have any Christmas decorations here. But you have a couple glaring Irish stereotypes.

Yeah, that guy seems more suited for a sex offender list than a Christmas album cover. And no, the Santa hat and beard doesn’t help.

No, I don’t think the girls like Bob from accounting because he plays the organ. Rather it’s because he spends his lunch breaks creeping in the ladies room.

I’m sure the music is good. But depicting instruments as cartoon characters is more appropriate for a kids’ album.

Though I do think seeing the reindeer with a cigarette is quite amusing. Then again, maybe that explains the look on Santa’s face.

From Music Radar: “As far as we know, this is the only one that looks like a carefully posed backwoods murder scene.” Caption reads: “Bob Kames, now in the Black Lodge forever.”

From Classic FM: “OK, so there’s a massive ghost version of ASVO, a creepy beach scene and a child on some sort of weird camping chair being pushed by an unknown adult. If that’s Christmas in the Otter household, we dread to think what happens at New Year.”

Though why a boy would be exhilarated to receive a new pair of loafers is beyond me. Seriously, that’s a face of a boy who gets an Xbox.

From Classic FM: “We can’t fault the repertoire on this album, but the horrifying cover art is all over the place. And you’d think they’d get cold, gaily larking about on that incredibly realistic ice rink.”

From Official Charts: “It’s never inappropriate for two grown women to straddle a man dressed as Santa, is it?” Either way, Santa doesn’t seem to mind.

From Classic FM: “Dame Kiri is so excited about Christmas this year that she’s decided to wear nothing but Christmas decorations.” Kind of makes sense.

From Classic FM: “What do you mean we forgot to do the album artwork? Oh never mind, just knock something together with MS Paint, no-one will know. Clip-art’s really popular now anyway.”

From Music Radar: “This country coming-together is a spin-off from another Christmas special, CBS’ Kenny & Dolly: A Christmas To Remember from 1984. It’s also the exact moment at which Dolly Parton stopped aging – that mounted reindeer shows more wear from the last quarter century than the miniature dynamo.”

From Official Charts: “We don’t really have much to say about this absolute monstrosity but you can’t keep using ‘it’s cold’ as an excuse, Dapper…”

Donny Osmond here seems like he’d rather spend the holidays outside in the freezing cold than spend time with his family. And we thought the Osmonds were a happy bunch.

That way, if you don’t want to snuggle with her, she’ll hack you to pieces and feed you to the fire. Now isn’t that nice?

And you can definitely see he tan lines as the tinsel and ornaments cover her naughty bits. Still, I’m sure this is part of a marketing ploy.

What do you mean this was from 2003? And it reached 25 on the charts? They also have a music video on YouTube which appears straight out of an acid trip. And yes, it’s as bad as you think.

Seems like these guys got caught up in the Christmas lights. Thankfully, they didn’t suffer any injuries. But none seem happy about it.

Apparently, while Santa bestows presents to all the girls and boys, he also tends to kidnap a few of them. Yes, definitely an album cover to induce trauma and nightmares.

Even Santa thinks this is ridiculous. Yeah, Ice-T, I think you’re an embarrassment by this point.

From Music Radar: “The cover to this gourd music monster looks like a soft-focus snuff movie before the messy part begins. The noise is even worse: it sounds a bit like real music, in the same way a tongueless dog howling at the moon sounds like a trained choirist. See?”

Still, he doesn’t seem to wear the Santa suit well. Then again, this seems like a contractual obligation.

Though she could just as easily throw her cat on her lap into the fire. Don’t think this album’s full of good cheer at all.

One of these Santas is giving the finger. And no, you don’t want to know what’s under their robes. Also, is that cage in the background?

Though to be fair, there are a lot of shitty Christmas albums out there. It’s just this one’s sung by a someone who knows he’s crap.

Though one of these guys looks as if he’s getting strangled by his scarf. Way to go, guys.

This is said to be 142 on Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Albums of all time. However, since it was produced by Phil Spector, the imagery seems rather unsettling in hindsight. Because we all know that Spector would later go to prison for murder.

Yet, instead of decorating a Christmas tree, Jamaicans use a pot plant, which kind of works. Okay, maybe not. Still, is it any wonder why we associate reggae music with marijuana?

It seems like this guy’s in a dark alley to get some bootleg albums for his family. Doesn’t seem to have a smile emanating good cheer.

From Music Radar: “Keeping up the collaborative theme, the album art was apparently designed through a colouring competition in McDonalds.” Also, this is from 1999?

I’m not sure waht that has to do with Christmas. But I won’t be surprise if he’s tripping balls by now.

To be fair, I’m sure this album was made somewhere in Latin America. But still, Santa and the 3 Wise Men? That can’t be right.

There they are in the back of Santa’s sleigh. And it seems that Santa just took notice.

However, he appears to be sporting a sunburn while he’s playing a guitar. Also, no one wants to see him in a swimsuit.

From Classic FM: “We know, we know, it’s not right to play the ‘highbrow’ card when it comes to classical music. But really. Poodles? A sun with a face on it? A sequined sack with a cello coming out of it? Many, many composers are turning in their graves.”

Howdy Doody was a popular kid’s show in the 1950s. Though I totally understand if you think it was a horror show with killer clowns and dolls that would haunt your dreams.

I’m sure this is kind of intentional. Still, it’s guaranteed to at least offend someone, which is kind of the point.

Looking at this, you’d think the North Pole was run the same way as the Playboy Mansion. Also, I don’t think yuletide lingerie can keep you from freezing to death in sub zero temperature. But Santa likes what he sees.

From Classic FM: “You know, this one wouldn’t be so bad if they actually looked like they were enjoying themselves. Even the dog looks clinically fed-up.”

From Music Radar: “Normally, skiing without a helmet is considered dangerous, but Kim’s side parting is resin-coated and is strong enough to withstand bullets even when fired from close range.”

Okay, those heads are photoshopped to dolls. Guaranteed to inspire some yuletide nightmares during the season. Yeah, that really creeps me out.

Yet, there’s a blurb that says, “(Let’s have sex).” As if I think a guy like that in a Santa suit is sexy. Actually, it’s kind of creepy.

Yeah, that Santa hat is totally photoshopped. Also, Dylan, if you should release a Christmas album the next time, let it be one where you write the songs.

So I guess that Garth Brooks moonlights as a fortune teller. Or some sort of dark seer bandit from the Old West.

That stack of presents doesn’t look steady and seems about ready to fall. But the woman in here doesn’t seem upset about it at all. She just keeps smiling.

Okay, eyeball ornaments are utterly creepy and not suited for Christmas at all. So why did they think this album cover was a good idea?

I heard that Kenny Chesney used a similar photo shot for his audition for Magic Mike but was rejected. So he decided to go for a variation for his Christmas album. Still, spending time on the beach isn’t Christmas to me.

To be fair, he’s more of a dark comic writer. Yet, if there’s a fire in your house, you just have to do something about it. Like get a fire extinguisher and call 911.

Yes, Christmas disco albums do exist. But at least this album didn’t feature Santa Claus in a red polyester suit. Because that would’ve been worse.

Sure he’ll freeze his ass off in these clothes during the winter. But to add insult to injury, he’s also wearing socks with sandals. You know committing one of the cardinal sins of fashion.

It’s even funnier that they’re dressed with red capes on their heads and robes. It’s like they’re dressed in a cross between Merlin and Santa Claus. Yes, it’s kind of weird.

Yeah, Santa, wait until Mrs. Claus finds out about you and that blonde. Boy, you’re sleeping in the doghouse tonight.

Sure they may list traditional hits. But the vibes I get from this picture is “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” You know the one where the woman wants to go home while the guy wants her to stay and well, you get the idea.

So what did Liberace do to get a coat of so much fur? Shoot a polar bear? Seems reasonable enough.

You probably remember the song on this album. But at least the cover goes to great lengths why any child shouldn’t want a hippopotamus for Christmas. I mean hippos kill more people in Africa than lions.

Too bad the space captain will probably suffocate in there and die. Since a turban won’t protect him in the vacuum of space. Also, that’s not Sufjan Stevens.

My dad used to dread watching Lawrence Welk when he was a kid. Looking at this album cover, I can totally understand why. He seems like he could break into your house and kill you with an accordion any moment.

Uh, doesn’t Santa have a sleigh that he doesn’t need to row among gators? Or creepy banjo players? Seriously, he has a flying reindeer pulled sleigh for God’s sake!

At least Eartha Kitt’s pose sitting on Santa’s lap doesn’t shy away from what the song is about. Of course, Mrs. Claus wouldn’t approve.

This Christmas album cover is kind of depressing if you ask me. It seems like a more appropriate cover for the soundtrack to the Wire, than on anything to do with the holidays.

Guess she’s thinking, “Oh, God, why did they make me do this? And how long do I have to sit next to this red suited creep?”

Don’t ask me but Sant seems a bit pervy toward that girl in this one. And I’m not sure how old this girl is. Sure hope she’s 18.

So I guess this story consists of gorging through a maze without being seen by goblins. Because that’s what the game is like. Yet, this suggests otherwise.

Hits include: “They Three Drunks of SantaCon Are,” “Bedpans We Have Heard on High,” “I’ll Be On Call for Christmas,” and “Away in a Gurney.” You know stuff nurses have to deal with over the holidays.

Yes, they did songs like these back in the day. They even had a Star Wars Christmas special. Still, this cover of Chewbacca is hilarious.

Still, it doesn’t seem like the who crew really wants to participate. His daughter next to his wife seems like she’s dragged into doing the stupid photoshoot and feels like the kids at school will make fun at her for it. On the bright side, I hope it has some Christmas songs in the Pink Panther or Peter Gunn theme. That would be awesome.

This whole album design seems like it was madeby someone on acid. Because nothing about it makes any logical sense.

Okay, I know they’re drinking pop, not red wine. But did they really have to show kids drinking from wine glasses? Because it looks like a classic case of underage drinking.

Because if his nightmarish face didn’t scare you, note his tree seems covered in cobwebs. And no, that sight doesn’t make me merry.

That kid in buckskin really doesn’t look like an Indian. And I’m not sure about the kid in Asian dress either. Also, the Santa with these kids is guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

To be fair, the late Leon Russell did perform at Woodstock and was renowned in his own right. But his Christmas album makes him seem like Santa who knows that you’ve been really bad this year. Not sure why the dog is here.

I find it hard to imagine a guy like Charles Bronson having a Christmas album unless it includes anything revenge oriented. Also, that Christmas hat doesn’t help matters at all.

On Starsky and Hutch, Huggy Bear was a police informant who talked jive and was ethically ambiguous. He also dressed flashy and operated his own bar. You can guess where this is going….

It’s said Ms. Petri has her choir boys to surround her in order to keep her warm as she plays her bassoon. Yeah, I know the snowy backdrop bit doesn’t make sense.

If it weren’t for that fur coat, you’d think this man would just be some guy on the street who’s secretly a serial killer. Then again, maybe I assume too much.

However, according to the album, they even suggest that Tijuana women are known for their distinctive mustaches. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Batman looks as if he has rabies while Wondy and Superman don’t seem concerned about it. Okay, he’s wearing a Santa beard. But still, it’s disturbing.

Uh, Elton, I like your music and all. But I think we’re all a bit freaked out about you having a record at your crotch. Just letting you know.

Now I can understand why Liberace decides to dress in lavish furs at the piano. Yeah, too gangster.

From First Draft: “Poor Andrew Ridgely. Wasn’t it bad enough to be George Michael’s sidekick? They had to make the poor bastard a reindeer. I hope no Norwegian tried to eat him. That would not be Whamtastic.”

From Turntabling: “I don’t even want to know what THIS bunch is on about. It looks like a prison lineup, but ESPECIALLY the guy on the far left. What the hell’s going on in THIS gent’s head? Images of sugarplums, no doubt, slicing up the neighborhood winos and barbecuing pets on a wood stove.”

Well, it’s not quite a Charlie Brown Tree. Yet, even decorating it in tinsel and ornaments can’t make it look festive. So sad. But I guess they had to make it work.

However, seeing them dressed up as kids in this is a very different story. Seriously, guys, you’re creeping me out.

For all we know, he could just be luring this kid to put in a sack and do terrible things to him in his windowless van. But what do I know?

From Flashbak: “Three of these guys belong in either a seedy bus station or a rustic log cabin – not a tacky eighties living room. Like matzo balls in clam chowder, they do not belong.”

From NME: “It doesn’t bode well for a Christmas album when its cover looks like a MS Paint rush job, with the artist’s face crudely dropped in. Also William, we get why you called your record ‘Hung For The Holidays’ but given suicide rates across Europe and America reach record highs around this time of year, is this really the best possible title? Really?”

From Flashbak: “Imagine seeing this at your bedside when you wake up Christmas morn, (shudder)” Yes. this will certainly inspire nightmares.

From Flashbak: “I don’t need to tell you that your wife with fake tan and your crummy living room shouldn’t be on the cover of your album; clearly, this wasn’t conveyed to Dave Boyer. For the curious, his daughter is holding “Reach Out” a hip version of the New Testament.”

From Flashbak: “Where’s mom, you ask? Look into that girl’s eyes – the eyes of the purest evil – and you’ll have your answer.”

From Flashbak: “This looks nothing at all like a festival. This is an old man taking notes…. perhaps they should have researched the term “festival” a bit more.”

From Go Retro: “No wonder I always wake up with a headache! After a long day of cross country skiing, there’s nothing better then taking a nap in the snow and dreaming that I’m a 50 foot woman about to be rammed in the head by cars.”

Uh, let’s just hope that Bert got tangled in the bead garlands by accident. But since people think they’re gay and Fifty Shades of Grey being a pop culture hit, this is probably one of the most unintentionally inappropriate children’s album covers of all time. I mean Grover and Cookie Monster now look understandably horrified at the moment.

Good: Might help curb rodent infestations. Bad: Seriously, “Jingle Bells” is annoying as it is but do you really want to listen to cats meowing to it? Ugly: Might give your cat an inferiority complex.

I think Dino might have to watch out for the creepy blond woman who’s plotting to murder his girlfriend in a way that it would look like an accident. Yeah, let’s just say women like that would make a winter romance turn into a winter nightmare.

As someone who’s seen Hairspray, I think these women have more chemicals in their hair than the whole cast put together. Wonder how long it took for these women to style their hair in the morning.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think Uncle Charlie’s idea of playtime involves toy trains or toys of any other kind. I think it involves Uncle Charlie doing unspeakable things to Billy in the bathroom.

I understand Asleep at the Wheel is the group’s name. But I’m not sure if it makes a great name to put on a Christmas album cover. It just brings to mind a car accident waiting to happen instead of good cheer. Also the armadillo is freaky.

“Santa, ramp up your amp and play your guitar hard./’Cause Hell’s broke loose in North Pole and the Devil deals the cards./And if you win you get this shiny guitar made of gold,/But if you lose the devil gets your soul……”

Now I’m not sure what to make of pose. I mean her nipples are showing and you can almost see her crotch. That ain’t right.

Wonder how Charo managed to survive winter without losing her legs. Seriously, high red stockings will not keep you warm below freezing temperatures.

Seems like Santa Claus really isn’t enjoying being hugged in this photo op. But he just didn’t have the courage to say, no, no, no.

Now I see nothing wrong with a gangta rap Christmas album. And I don’t see anything wrong with a black Santa either. However, seeing Santa wielding an AK-47 is just plain wrong.

Of course, when designing Celtic Woman’s Christmas album, it’s said that Lisa Frank’s dog got loose and took a giant dump all over it. They were never able to clean up the mess.

Of course, if you want to track Santa on Christmas Eve, maybe it’s better to listen to NORAD on the radio. Why get Santa news reports from a record anyway? Kind of freaky if you think about it.

While Cindy and Randy played like sports during the photo shoot, Janie wanted none of that. Of course, they had to go with the best photo in the bunch.

Not sure if that rocket’s going to hold all the toys, Danta. Also, what’s with the other Santas at the launch site? Or are they elves? I don’t know.

Looking at him like this, I find it hard to believe this guy was a huge star in his prime as well as married 8 times. One of these was Ava Gardner out of all people. Vanity Fair said he’s “the original Hollywood trainwreck.”

For God’s sake, who the hell thought this would make a great idea for a Christmas album cover? This is just totally sick. Hopefully, this album came out before the Jerry Sandusky scandal at Penn State. But I may be wrong.

From The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit: “From the looks of Frederik, there’s only one of four things he wants to do this Christmas. 1. Sex you up. 2. Chop you into little pieces. 3. Sex you up and then chop you into little pieces. 4. Chop you into little pieces and then sex you up.” Why doesn’t he just make it convenient and get a woodchipper like in Fargo? Oh, sorry about that, Steve Buschemi.

From Cracked: “Ah, nothing says Christmas like a cross-dressing, possibly mentally challenged man fighting Santa over an ugly doll. It’s just like in that classic Christmas carol, ‘I Saw Mommy Try to Stop Daddy from Wearing Her Dresses and Cold-Cocking Santa.'” Don’t ask me, I wasn’t consulted.

I pray to God that this girl is at least 18. Because from her eyes, I don’t think she just wants to disco with Santa. Also, why would anyone want to disco with Santa?

From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “Think of it ladies-an evening of Mr. Bowes regaling us on his male organ and drinking his drugged wine, waiting to open the gifts of boxed-up body parts under the tree. Happy holidays!” I’ll pass, thank you very much. Seriously, I don’t want to drink with this guy.

Then again, he probably wishes he had 50 grand for Christmas. But with this album cover, he probably should’ve went with “I’ll Be Broke for Christmas.”

Of course, Jack Benny played the violin badly as part of his comic routine. However, I don’t think his comedy translates well when he’s in a Santa suit. Also, I think the kids are more anxious about opening presents than Jack Benny anyway.

Yes, that’s Carol Channing. Yes, she’s a famous celebrity. No, I don’t think she made a lot of horror movies. Yeah, I do think her face is bound to give little children nightmares.

Yeah, decorate your hair with ornaments and lights. Of course, you’d have to walk slow so the baubles won’t fall off. And you can’t walk too far from the electrical outlet those lights are plugged in.

That poor pooch probably doesn’t care for photo ops. Or maybe Fats Domino Christmas music. Wonder why it looks so blase. What a way to ruin a picture.

Uh, Santa, I don’t think it’s a good idea to drive a magic reindeer pulled sleigh while under the influence. I mean this is how some kids get the wrong toys.

I think this is supposed to be a satire on Christmas commercialism, consumerism, and materialism. And from how I see his face, he kind of looks pretty depressed about it.

From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “I’m thinking our friend Gunther gets his “ding dong” licked by that poor, wretched dog each night. That ‘stache and Gunther’s pouty lips make me want to cancel Christmas.”

This boy seems like: “A sewing machine? What kind of lame ass gift is that? Why couldn’t you let me unwrap a Roughrider BB gun that I asked for?”

Okay that castle looks fairly run down. Not sure what to make out about the dogs. But I have to admit, that dummy is just completely terrifying if you ask me.

Heard they play this kind of music at Guatanamo Bay and in customer service departments. Let’s just say that Muzak is what they play on occasions like enhanced interrogations, when you’re on hold, or to drive away some unruly teens from loitering.

Now my grandma is a huge fan of this guy. Still, with a voice like his and tons of fan girls, they should’ve been able to come up with a better design than some creepy photoshop like this.

Look, Ray Charles is a musical legend and a great singer and musician. Love his music and love Ray. However, this is not the kind of guy who should be driving a one horse open sleigh. Seriously, the guy’s blind as a bat. Not to mention, he wasn’t quite sober and clean.

And it seems like Mommy and Santa are about to be getting into the nasty. Yes, Santa is a pervert and a very naughty boy.

You know the creepy uncle you only see on holidays? You know the one who travels around in a windowless van your parents won’t let you in? Well, he released a Christmas album.

From The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit: “I thought the Six Million Dollar Man was supposed to be a good guy? Based on this cover, it seems as if he’s killed Santa, put on his costume, and jettisoned St. Nick’s corpse into space on board a rocket. Man, that’s effed up. Jolly ol’ Steve Austin looks like he’s getting some kind of sick thrill from the whole thing – check out that demonic smirk. Later, Austin uses his bionic powers to crush the Elves’ Revolt. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard the sound of an elf’s windpipe being crushed in slo-mo.”

I don’t think Ben Best looks like this and I have no idea who that guy is. Still, why the designer had to resort to the most uncreative gimmick to sell this album is beyond me. Yeah, let’s hope she gets some clothes for Christmas.

Now that’s no way to treat a lady. Looks like Bon Scott has basically kidnapped her and now he’s probably in very deep shit. Yeah, he has a weird look in his face.

Yes, marvel at Bootsy’s wonderful divine powers at his celestial creation of a big ass star. Yeah, his Christmas town is sure shining tonight.

I don’t know about you. But robbing a bank is very naughty, Santa Claus. And it can lead to a long prison sentence. You don’t want to go there.

I don’t know about you. But something tells me that Johnny’s new girlfriend Jenny might be a vampire. I don’t know why, just look at her eyes and teeth. Not that it’s none of my business.

From Cracked: “Why is a wolf-tiger hybrid groping its own tail while it plots to eat that girl? Why is a clown head sitting in a bush? Was the clown decapitated? If so, why’d he die with such a smile on his face? What part of the Nutcracker Suite was that in? Is that a log next to the clown head, or a slowly decomposing alligator? Why isn’t the cold preserving its corpse? Has there always been this much snow in hell? So many questions.” Yes, this is a cover that’s bound to give any child nightmares. And the ballet was pretty creepy, too.

From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “It has been said the studio sessions for The Rhodes Kids were fraught with debauchery of cocaine binges, physical fights, sexual attacks on stuffed animals and worse yet…those ghastly outfits. The Rhodes Kids currently have a massive following in Fiji and still tour there.”

Now this is just so ridiculous like that Chess King vintage ad from the 1980s. But man, it’s sure a purple yuletide dream or nightmare.

Now I heard they used this bird in a movie called The Snowbird Before Christmas. It was a slasher horror movie. And yes, this guy was the one killing everyone on Christmas Eve.

Kids, you might not like getting clothes for Christmas. But if you do, you will never look as tacky as this guy. Yes, the 1970s weren’t the best decade for fashion.

Still, I was expecting Santa to have access to state of the art technology most intelligence agencies operate on. This makes me a bit disappointed. Oh wait, that’s a synthesizer, dammit. Yeah, those can be quite annoying.

I don’t know about you. But I really have a bad feeling about that girl seeing Santa in his underwear and a present behind his back.

I’m sure wearing garlands of tinsel might not cover you up for long. And I’m sure it’s not comfortable to wear. Also, looks incredibly ridiculous. Just saying.

This guy seems very enthusiastic about his Christmas sausage. Seems like he’s a bit of a gourmand himself. Still, hope he’s not from the Eastern Bloc since I wouldn’t know how he obtained that fruit.

He looks more like the drunken IT guy at the office Christmas party than anything relating to a Santa’s helper version of Elvis Presley. Probably passes out in the middle of “Blue Christmas.”

Yes, that looks like Tweety Bird all right. Still, while Tweety Bird went on to become a fantastic and beloved Looney Tunes character for generations, Twitty Bird’s alcoholism went from bad to worse and he was found dead in his cage from liver cirrhosis a la Hank Williams style.

He may not be Santa but I’d certainly would never let my dog sit on his lap. After all, he seems to harbor evil in his eyes.

Of course, after listening to David Sedaris’ “6 to 8 Black Men” essay, there was no way I could leave this one out. Still, if your Secret Santa recipient is black, stay away from this one.

It’s like an instrumental version of the horrible Kidz Bop series. Still, seriously, why would anyone in their right mind think this was a good idea?

Man, this guy seems like he’s a. stepped on his kids’ legos, b. received a hit in the groin from karate class, c. is constipated, d. passing a kidney stone, or e. all of the above.

Now this Santa is just terrifying beyond all description. Seriously, what were the album designers thinking? Then again, they were probably under contract anyway.

Actually, when I see their faces, I seriously feel kind of creeped out instead of welcomed. Seriously, I’m sure there’s a dead body in their house somewhere.

Now this probably have to be the cheesiest Santa Claus I’ve ever seen which doesn’t have an ounce of jolly in him. Seriously, that 1970s looking stache makes him more suitable for some porn or exploitation film than anything relating to wholesome entertainment. Also, seems like he’d basically bash your brains out during a pool tournament at the North Pole.

Yes, Star Wars fans, this does exist. So you can hear all your Christmas favorites sung by your favorite Star Wars characters. Also, it was Han who shot Santa Claus first.

I’m sure nobody wants to hear Sherman and the Skinheads’ version of “White Christmas,” do you? I’m sure that one has nothing to do with snow.

Seriously, why the fuck does this album exist? You mean they were still doing minstrel shows at this time? Shouldn’t these be burned already? And I don’t mean burned as CDs. I mean like bonfire burned so nobody would see such minstrel albums again. Wait until the NAACP hears about this.

However, I don’t know what to make of having these two guys’ disembodied heads on a Christmas wreath. Now that looks really freaky.

After posing on this album with Psycho Claus, Gaby Berger would never be seen again. It’s rumored that the guy behind the Santa mask brutally murdered her in cold blood.

Is it just me or do those rock Santas seem like they’ve just come out of the grave for some reason? Also, I’m sure the cover artist was fired immediately after doing this.

Of course, while Tiny Tim may have the kind of face you’d like to see on some heavy metal or real dark emo cover, he actually had a rather high pitched voice and was known for doing, “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” on a ukelele. And he got married on a late night show. Nevertheless, he was a very creepy dude.

Of course, the Surfers actually wanted a different artificial Christmas tree, but the aluminum pink one was the only one the store had that could fit on their boat.

At least if this kid had some form of corrective vision surgery, he might be significantly less creepy than he seems in this album cover. Seriously, what were they thinking?

Seriously, if it didn’t say “Christmas in Canada” I would’ve mistaken this for some country western album. I don’t know what the Canadians think about such a design, but here in America, we don’t associate Canadians with cowboy culture. Probably should’ve used a Mountie or a hockey player instead.

For those who haven’t seen my post on tacky album covers back in February, Heino’s the guy I said seems more appropriate for some Dieter inspired music video. He was the guy holding the roses. And he’s even more terrifying in shades.

Also, I don’t know about you, but I’m sure Tijuana, Mexico isn’t known for their harsh snowy winters during the Christmas season. In fact, the average winter temperatures in Tijuana are usually in the upper 50s and you don’t have a white Christmas in those weather conditions.

Seriously, how did this album ever come to exist? Then again, it’s tradition in Japan to eat KFC for Christmas since the 1970s so that probably has something to do with it.

Still, despite him looking quite skeevy in his Hugh Hefner style smoking jacket and ascot, I’m sure Slim Whitman’s music will live on forever since it really comes in handy during a Martian invasion. Seriously, it makes Martians’ heads explode.

Then again, snake charming Christmas music might really come in handy during this holiday season, especially if you live in areas with a lot of mice and vermin. Of course, this may not be a good thing in Florida with the Burmese Python roaming around. Those can get quite big and possibly eat you.

Seems like Jimmy Buffet has spent too much time wasting away in Margaritaville. Either that, or has been on an epic adventure searching for his lost shaker of salt. Still, that tan is just atrocious.

I’m sure that’s whatever in those presents aren’t exactly what these women wanted for Christmas. To know what these girls wanted for Christmas, see the track of “Santa Baby.” You get the idea.

Still, unless you live in Colorado and Washington (as far as I know), you might get arrested for having a marijuana Christmas tree. Yet, one of the great things about a pot tree is that you can smoke it after you’re done with it.

As you’ve probably guess, this was recorded in Japan. Still, this little girl seems quite friendly for someone who’s able to crush buildings and eat you alive. Her gigantic condition probably was a side affect from Hiroshima or something.

Seriously, that tan doesn’t look real at all. Still, she doesn’t seem to be in the festive mood for this Christmas season. Then again, they may be aiming for irony here.

Of course, how they managed to fit Santa in his bright red sack without damaging the toys, I’ll never know. Oh, yes, magic. Now I remember.

I have yet to understand the use of why ventriloquism seems to be so rampant in the Christian media. And the dummies always seem to be so creepy. Still, I’m sure Marcy is likely to haunt children in their dreams with her plans for world domination.

For a traditional German Christmas album, there are so many options for a cover. I mean they could’ve used Saint Nicholas giving sweets to children or a rustic village in the snow. Why they chose Grandpa making children cry, I have no idea.

For those unfamiliar with vintage pop culture, let me tell you that Jackie Gleason wasn’t known for being blond bombshell singer and model. In fact, Jackie Gleason was actually a guy known for his work as an actor, comedian, and musician best remembered as Ralph Kramden from The Honeymooners. Also, he was know to have dark hair and be overweight as well as didn’t achieve widespread fame until he was in his late 30s. Having him in a Santa suit on the cover would’ve been more appropriate.

Yes, I know this cover is fairly offensive to the African American community, yet at least this is better than the covers featuring blackface. Still, for those thinking that rap covers are offensive, you might want to send an apology.

We should’ve known that Phil Spector was a mad man capable of killing somebody. Yet, we ignored this album image because he was known to produce really great records with the Beatles, John Lennon, and the Ramones.

Still, I have to admire this cover artist’s use of having at least one full figured woman in here. However, Santa has a lot to answer for if Mrs. Claus ends up contracting genital herpes.

Yes, I’m sure this album will make an unforgettable as if these two terrifying puppets are about to murder you in your sleep. Seriously, they’re creepy as hell.

Still, whether you like it or not, I’m sure that there can be no more appropriate image for Liberace Christmas album than having him in his ridiculous multi-decker fur coat. Of course, let’s hope it’s not made from baby seals.

I know that the title translates to: “Christmas Dance Party” from Portuguese. Yet, when I see a picture of two lets sticking out from a sack, I don’t think the term “dance party” comes to mind. Seems like Santa Claus has some explaining to do.

Man, this album cover does demonstrate how sex seems to sell in the music industry. Still, it’s kind of funny considering that SNL did a sketch on a similar matter with the music video to “Dick in a Box.” Yet, when it comes to wrapping, ladyparts are a bit more complicated.

Even more ironic is that this album features artists such as Pat Boone, the Lennon Sisters, the Mills Brothers, and the Lawrence Welk Orchestra. These artists weren’t exactly people you’d expect on an album with such a provocative cover.

I just have a few questions about this picture. For one, why is that tree still alive while Santa is wearing a space helmet? Also, how does Santa keep his toys in his sack within zero gravity?

Seems like moon fever was so great in the summer of 1969 that it spread over the the Christmas music industry as well. Still, hope Santa got back all right afterwards.

Still, I wonder if she either “spread eagle” as they found her or were they involved in some kinky figure skating routine beforehand. Maybe I don’t want to know.

Seriously, Christmas and Waffle House really don’t go together. I mean besides breakfast, the Waffle House is also known as some sort of dive for drunks and stoners at 2 a.m. Basically a poor man’s version of “Hotel California.”

Well, I’m sure she’s only doing the Santa’s Little Helper gig for the 20% discounts. Still, I guess we all have to get our start somewhere, even if it’s in a velvet costume.

Seriously, whoever she’s on the phone with is probably a telemarker, an ex-boyfriend who can’t take a hint, or both. Either way, she seems moments away from hanging up on the annoying caller in question.

No wonder why the people of Lexington boarded up their houses whenever they thought they heard Paul Revere say, “John Tesh is coming!” Of course, this is coming from a sketch pertaining to a 1990s Warner Brothers cartoon Histeria, which unfortunately isn’t available in DVD. Bastards.

I don’t know about you but I really don’t think that Christmas and Disco really go together. Still, this woman really seems particularly excited to decorate her home with little ornaments of disco balls.