Never Judge a Book By Its Cover – Well, Most of the Time (Seventh Edition)

Whenever you go in a library, you’re bound to find all kinds of interesting books out there. You might see novels that might tell you a compelling story. You might want to know something more about a subject like animals, science, or history. Some might be manuals offering advice on certain aspects of life like dating or parenting guide. While some may be books geared for our own entertainment. Nonetheless, what all books have in common is that their cover usually serves as a marker on the shelves. And over the years I’ve done posts like these, I’ve found plenty with covers that can be downright strange. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another installment of insane book covers. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

  1. Two Guys Noticed Me and Other Miracles by Marjorie Sharmat
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And she seems to prefer one over the other. With the guy she’s more partial to sporting a mullet.

Since when is it a miracle that 2 guys notice you?

2. Snakes on a Sudoku: Official Snakes on a Plane Puzzle Book by Francis Heaney and Conceptis Puzzles

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Other similar titles are Crocodiles on a Crossword, Wendingos on a Word Search, and Cockroaches on a Cryptogram. Also, that Samuel L. Jackson quote doesn’t really do this book justice.

In the words of Samuel L. Jackson, “I’ve had it with these mother fucking snakes no this mother fucking sudoku.”

3. Surf Safari Nurse by Jane Converse

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Nurses go on an awful lot of thrilling, sexy adventures in Romance Novel World. I’m pretty sure it’s a trick played by the nursing industry to recruit the unsuspecting. You never see ‘Bedpan Duty Nurse’ or ‘Love Among the Gangrene Cleanup Crew.'”

Apparently, nurses prefer surfers for some reason.

4. Thong on Fire: An Urban Erotic Tale by Noire

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “This sounds more like a Chiller Channel Original Movie than an erotic novel. He lurks in the shadows outside the University For Totally Hot Chicks Who Study, Like, Science and Stuff. Just when they think it’s safe to sit down, the THONGBURNER strikes!”

A scorching story not for those with flammable underwear.

5. Chap Foey Rider: Capitalist to the Stars by Hayford Pierce

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “This looks thrilling. I can’t wait to get to the part where he files for a small business loan…in space! (Original title: Cousin Blobby and Ming The Merciless Go To The Goddamn Bank.)”

No, this isn’t about the life of Elon Musk.

6. After the Downfall by Henry Turtledove

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Admit it, Turtledove. You wrote this just so you could commission a painting of a Nazi riding a unicorn.”

Even Nazis love to ride their unicorns.

7. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Self-Esteem

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However, we have too many idiots with very high self-esteem like Donald Trump. Seriously, the guy is a complete narcissistic sociopath who thinks he can get away with shit.

For the idiot who needs to believe in themselves.

8. Pigeon Wigs and Extensions by Chlorine Windle

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Pigeon wigs? For God’s sake, these birds look totally ridiculous in those hairstyles. Why do books like this even exist?

Now those pigeons at the park can look fabulous.

9. When You Touch Yourself an Angel Dies: How Your Child’s Filthy Habit Is Destroying America and What You Can Do About It by Douglas and Rosalie Gale

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For God’s sake, you’re going to shame kids over masturbation? How is that destroying America? I don’t understand it since I can think of a hundred worse things like Donald Trump and white supremacists.

Talk to your kids about the evils of masturbation.

10. The Caves of Death by Victor Norwood

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From the Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Maybe they’d be a little less deadly if you wore pants, Thongbad the Mighty.” Yeah, because he’s basically dressed like a guy in a 1970s porn movie.

About a mighty man who’d slay a fire-breathing dragon in a pair of skimpy leopard print underwear.

11. Everything Happens to Stuey by Lillian Moore

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Wow, this book looks incredibly exciting! I can’t wait to…ZzzzzZZZzzz”

And yet, he’s shown fixing an alarm clock.

12. Eat and Stay Slim by Better Homes and Gardens

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “I assume the plan consists of soaking all your food in the bizarre swirly mustard/poison concoction in the gravy boat. “That’s disgusting. I’m not eating that shit!” There! You cut a lot of calories!” Actually a great way to stay slim is to cook and eat at home.

Now you can cook your way to weight loss.

13. The Adolescence of P-1 by Thomas J. Ryan

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Also, I wonder if the rocket has any kind of subtle symbolism. Like as sexual awakening.

I’m it was absolutely hellish if your name is P-1.

14. The Agoraphobia Workbook: A Comprehensive Program to End Your Fear of Symptom Attacks by C. Alec Pollard Ph.D. & Elke Zuercher-White Ph. D.

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Then again, agoraphobes are usually out of their comfort zone when they’re out of the house. Still, you have to wonder what’s inside this book.

If you’re afraid of the outside world but have to interact with it, this book is for you.

15. How to Survive an Atomic Bomb by Richard Gerstell

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Actually my advice to surviving an atomic bomb is basically to hold your loved ones close and kiss your ass goodbye. Because your odds of survival are highly unlikely.

A survival guide to getting through World War III.

16. How to Avoid Matrimony by Herald Froy

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Depicts a cave woman with a wooden club chasing a guy. Seriously, I’m sure there’s plenty of sexist bullshit inside it. And you thought hookup culture was just a millennial phenomenon.

Recommended for the rogue men who want to play the field.

17. Awaken the Genius in Your Child Through Positive Attitude Training by Nicola M. Tauraso, M.D. and L. Richard Batzler, M.D.

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Yet, you have to wonder why they chose a cover depicting a girl being struck by lightning without being electrocuted. Obviously, she must be a mutant. Time to call Professor X.

Think your kid is a genius? Use positive reinforcement with this book.

18. Billi Gordon’s You’ve Had Worse Things in Your Mouth Cookbook by Billi Gordon

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Aunt Jemima caricature aside, a cookbook with a title like that doesn’t really inspire confidence in this woman’s cooking talents. Seriously, I’m sure the recipes inside won’t look remotely appetizing.

Well, at least she’s honest.

19. The Beast with the Red Hands by Sidney Stuart

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “The shadowy figure skulked out of the darkness, and an unearthly chill went through the room. Lady Ebonyheart Ravensblood turned around in shock, dropping her cursed amulet on the floor. Her face twisted into a grimace of disgust. ‘Steve, take those stupid red mittens off. I don’t care how cold it is. You’re seriously ruining the atmosphere here.'”

Like Twilight but with more death and blatant relationship abuse.

20. Beauty Contest Nurse by Dianna Douglas

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Sure, she’s killed several patients due to gross incompetence. But she’s so pretty!”

“But, doctor, I can’t assist you in the operating room today. I don’t want to damage my manicure.”

21. What Makes a Teenager Say….Sometimes I Feel Like a Blob by Ethel Barrett

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Note: when you want to draw a blob, don’t use brown. Because when you draw a brown blob, it resembles a turd.

Because some days you just feel like shit.

22. Brainwashing Is a Cinch by James Maratta

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Okay, this seems pretty disturbing. Besides, I can see how easy it is to brainwash people during the 2016 campaign. Seriously, the fact Donald Trump manage to win the presidency with 63 million votes scares me to this day.

The #1 recommended self-help book for any aspiring cult leader and fascist demagogue.

23. Vampire Voles: A Welkin Weasels Adventure by Gary Kilworth

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Terror in the pasture! SEE animals with tiny little bites on them! THRILL to the amazing hero weasel armed with his wee wooden stakes! BEWARE…no small-to-medium size vermin is safe from…VAMPIRE VOLES!”

They may look cute but these critters want to suck your blood.

24. Cat Massage by Maryjean Ballner

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Indeed, this is another crazy cat book. Not sure how you can give a kitten a pat down.

Want to learn how to massage your cat? This book is for you.

25. Castles in the Air by Christina Dodd

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “I think I may have found the greatest romance novel of all time. Why? Count the princess’s hands.”

Here’s a medieval romance between a knight and his 3-armed lady.

26. The Real McCoys and Danger on the Ranch

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “They look awfully cheerful for people in danger. Maybe they don’t realize they’re driving off a cliff.”

Apparently, they don’t seem aware of it on the cover.

27. Cry Havoc by James D. Forman

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: ” This rare treasure of a novel tells the rip-roaring story of the McKenzie brothers and their loyal dog Hosehead fighting the Nazis, who apparently took that ‘Great White North’ thing a bit too literally.”

Apparently, you might want to avoid the giant hell hound.

28. Woman Doctor by Sloane Britain

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “I can believe ghosts physically manifesting from psychological unrest. Interdimensional space travel, sure. But a woman doctor!? Ridiculous!”

Finally, a book that’s about a woman doctor. Hooray for feminism!

29. Dreamhouse by Christopher Fahy

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Pfft. That’s not scary. Every house in Maine has a doll like this in it. You get used to it pretty quick.”

“Come and play with me.”

30. E-Mail Addresses of the Rich & Famous by Seth Godin

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Wonder if this guy’s ever heard of doxing. Because he’s practically doing it. Would like to know how many people sued this guy.

Now you can send an e-mail to your favorite celebrities.

31. Entertaining to Please Him by Taylor Bradford

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Because men prefer a woman who’d be a perfect doll and hostess at the party. Seriously, look into her eyes and you’ll find nothing there.

The #1 bestseller in Stepford.

32. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

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Jay Gatsby isn’t a hardboiled playboy. Also, he picked the wrong Daisy. Seriously, I read the book.

“When it comes to loving…He knew which Daisy to pick!”

33. The Official Gay Man-ual: Living the Lifestyle (or at Least Appearing to) by Kevin Dilallo and Jack Krumholtz

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To be honest, there’s really no right way to be a gay guy. So you man’s men around here, you do you.

Are you a gay man who’s come out of the closet? This is the book for you.

34. Global Warming: a Pop-Up Book of Our Endangered Planet by Sandy Ransford and Illustrated by Mike Peterkin

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Look, I know that global warming needs urgently addressed. But doing it with a pop-up book isn’t really the way to go.

It’s basically Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth for kids.

35. Have a Happy Measle, a Merry Mumps, and a Cheery Chicken Pox written and illustrated by Jeanne Benedick with Candy Benedick and Rob Jr.

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Look, I know this book was probably written decades ago. But now that we have vaccines for all of these, we shouldn’t let them make a comeback. Yet, anti-vaxxers think vaccines cause autism despite evidence to the contrary.

Because being sick with incredibly contagious diseases is fun.

36. The Truth About the Homosexuals by Dr. Hugh F. Pyle

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “The horrifying truth: they could have designed us a much nicer looking book cover, but our pride in being crazy assholes to everyone is more important than such worldly concerns. I really have to wonder what the F stands for. Nah, I think I know…”

For an anti-gay book, the pink glitter doesn’t help matters.

37. Why Not the Best? Why One Man Is Optimistic about America’s Third Century by Jimmy Carter

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Of course, you’ll find a lot of naïve platitudes in here. But understand that Carter was much younger and innocent then.

Wonder what today’s Jimmy Carter would think about this today.

38. How Not to Kill Your Husband by Kevin C. Hutchin, M.D.

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Listen, if your marriage is so bad that you’re thinking about getting this book, you might need marriage counseling. If you’re Amazing Amy from Gone Girl, well…

Husband giving you trouble? This is the book for you.

39. Knight Moves by Walter Jon Williams

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “If there isn’t at least one “horse’s ass” joke in this, I’m going to be very disappointed.”

Catered to anyone who likes a woman’s chest and a horse’s ass.

40. Knitting with Balls: A Hands-On Guide to Knitting for Men by Michael Del Vecchio

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Funny how he’s got needles in one hand and a couple of yarn balls in the other. Still, wonder what projects they have in it. Camo tea cozies?

Finally, a book about knitting for men.

41. The Legacy: A Birthright of Living Death by John Coyne

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “This is Mr. Wibbles. He is a 5-time grand champion Persian cat, and his hobbies include loafing on the sunny spot on the floor and chasing the ball with the bell in it. Do not piss him off.”

This time, Fluffy means business.

42. Liberace Cooks! as told to Carol Truax

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “*crunch* Ow! Who put these goddamn rhinestones in the spaghetti!?” Also, kind of unusual to see Liberace dressed in plaid shirt like a normal person.

Know how to make a rhinestone salad.

43. Looking Forward to Being Attacked by Lt. Jim Bullard

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This cover basically tells women to be afraid, be very afraid. I guess there’s something about carrying guns. At any rate, that’s no way to live.

Because someone could try to kill you at any moment and anywhere.

44. Church Members Who Make God Sick by John R. Rice D.D., Litt. D.

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Wonder what kind of church members make God sick. Is it the self-righteous hypocrites who see nothing wrong with shaming and screwing the poor? Let’s hope so.

Man, someone must have an axe to grind for the Lord.

45. More than Magic by Kathleen Nance

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From the Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Warlock Lord Abraxxas Sexington carefully prepared for his dark magic ritual, making sure all the reagents were in place. Mandrake root, check. Basilisk eyes, check. Store brand cologne and Hawaiian Tropic man-chest oil, check and mate.”

Want to make love with this hot wizard?

46. Nothing’s Impossible! Stunts to Entertain and Amaze by Jeff Sheridan

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Warning: Performing some of these stunts will result in grievous injury that will send you to the emergency room. Also, the guy’s like “No, not the dining chair! Dear God, not the dining chair!”

Want to impress people at a party? This book is for you.

47. You’re Either One or the Other: A Children’s Book about Human Sexuality by Joy Wilt, Illustrated by Hergie

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But keep in mind that Gender is a spectrum and social construct. Also, trans and intersex people exist.

Also called, My First Sex Ed Book.

48. The Pantyhose Craft Book by Jean Ray Laury and Joyce Aiken

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From the Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Why, what a lovely and unusual quilt you’ve made, Muriel. I’ve never seen one quite like it. What’s that fabric?”

Got a lot of ripped up pantyhose you don’t know what to do with? Do craft projects with them.

49. Preparing for Contact by Lyssa Royal and Keith Priest

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Then again, it might not be a romance. He might be probing her brain or perhaps steal her soul.

This science fiction romance is a real meeting of minds.

50. The Pride of Chanur by C.J. Cherryh

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Shhh. Don’t tell him…he’s adopted.”

Bill Cattington always suspected he was different.

51. Still Hungry- After All These Years: My Story by Richard Simmons

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Don’t like the way he’s biting on that fork. Seriously, that looks so creepy.

Learn about the life of fitness guru Richard Simmons.

52. Rosey Grier’s Needlepoint for Men by Rosey Grier

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By the way, he’s a former NFL linebacker for the LA Rams. Yes, you read that right.

Because real men do needlepoint.

53. Sarah T. Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic by Robin S. Wagner

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This girl seems to have a really terrible problem. Since she can’t let go of the booze at 13.

Follow the sensational story of a teenage drunk.

54. How to Sell Your Car for More than It’s Worth by Gregory C. Hill

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Look at the guy posed with the car and he dresses like a shady used car salesman. And you know those guys are notorious for ripping people off.

If you got a clunker you need to get rid of, this is the book for you.

55. The Skunk and His Junk by Pam Scheunemann

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It’s actually perfectly suitable for children. However, the title just results in all kinds of shits and giggles for anyone 12 and older.

It’s just a book about a skunk and his junk.

56. Mommy, Why Is There a Server in the House? by Tom O’Connor, Ph. D.

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Well, Jenny, it’s because it’s used for…uhm…internet…something. You know what, I don’t know either, and it’s probably boring anyway. Just don’t touch it, because that large heavy thing that I don’t know the purpose of is expensive as hell.”

Parents, talk to your kids about you stay-at-home server.

57. The Pirate City by Michael Robert Ballantyne

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Because all those guys seem like futuristic soldiers. Not 19th century Barbary pirates in Northern Africa.

Those guys don’t look like pirates to me.

58. The Breeze Horror by Candace Caponegro

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From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “One of my favorite cover subjects is horror books about completely un-scary things. Grrr! Those curtains’ll teach you to call them ugly and claim they clash with the wallpaper!”

Boy, Frankenstein’s monster sure has a large mouth.

59. Cornerstones of Freedom: The Story of Watergate

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Man, those pictures aren’t very flattering. Still, this was a scandal when most Americans actually cared about presidential integrity. Because there was no such thing as Fox News to fill white conservative voters with so much outlandish conspiracy theories and have white supremacists on their primetime shows.

Kids, now you can learn about the story of one of the darkest moments of American history.

60. Y2K-9: The Dog Who Saved the World by Todd Strasser

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Now if this dog hacker can go after the Russian hackers backing Donald Trump. That would be great. Still, you can’t take this seriously.

About a dog hacker who’s such a good boy.

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The Roadside World of Billboards

3D illustration of blank white billboard against blue sky.

Let’s face it, advertising is everywhere. Wherever you go and whatever you do, you’re still bound to see some kind of ad promoting some kind of product or service. After all, a business has to sell somehow and some way. Even in a rural area, whenever you’re traveling, chances are you’ll see all kinds of billboard signs advertising local businesses and services nearby. Some may even have public service announcements or political messages. Some may just promote products like fast food or beer. But whenever you travel, you’ll still see them. Nevertheless, you’ll come across some billboards with unique designs and funny slogans. And that’s where I come in. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasury of billboards that won’t make you bored to tears. Some of these may not be safe for work by the way.

  1. Come to Pedro’s south of the border.
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Not sure if using “sausage” is a good idea. Oh, I get it, it’s supposed to be “saw such.” My mistake.

2. Best to drive carefully through Branxton.

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Since it has 2 cemeteries and no hospital. So if you get injured, you’re out of luck.

3. Of course, some people just have to bring their personal lives out for everyone to see.

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Look, I know you’re hurting, Emily. But please, I think airing your anger on a billboard makes you seem like a crazy bitch.

4. Stop in at Big Dick’s Halfway Inn.

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Okay, this sounds kind of dirty for a rest stop. I’m sure “Original Minnow Shot” will have its own Urban Dictionary entry real soon.

5. With Esurance, you can cover your home in a click.

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Sure you might not see anything wrong with this message. But look at it from far away, and it says, “cover your home in a dick.”

6. This billboard was brought to you by Financial Arts, Inc.

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However, if you’re looking for anything silent but deadly, I don’t think their website will offer it. Though I don’t know what financial arts are anyway.

7. Pollo Tropical always offers island flavor.

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But they aren’t great choosing a font. Since the “island” part also reads bland, which won’t attract potential customers.

8. Your Local 5 is here when you need to know.

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Though the headline doesn’t help matters. Seriously, people might get the wrong idea.

9. Since you only live once, try to be happy.

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Brought to you by Wilks Funeral Home. Hey, at least they know how to cash in on a trend.

10. Spend your time at this golf range.

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This place boasts about great balls and grass. I know people might get the wrong idea.

11. If you need any help, call these guys.

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But what do these people do? Who are these people are? Seriously, I really don’t know.

12. Want to fly? Text while you drive.

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But I don’t think that kind of flying involves a plane. More likely involves a car crash.

13. Live the extreme with the Air Force Reserve.

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Since when did the Air Force do wind surfing? Not that I want to join since I don’t. But I need to know this.

14. Scandinavian Designs has their biggest sale ever.

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That woman doesn’t seem excited for some reason. In fact, she reminds me of a scream queen from a horror movie who’s freaked out about getting killed.

15. At Construct 2, we make computer games.

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Yet, this one seems to depict rather childish drawings. Perhaps they should’ve gone with state of the art graphics instead.

16. You can expect great care at Cancer Care Center.

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Don’t think that’s good for their ad campaign. Seriously, that pun goes nowhere.

17. Hope you can get a nice pair of these undies.

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Too bad this billboard ad was made by someone who couldn’t type. Seriously, the capitalization is nuts.

18. Lowe’s always takes care of unfinished projects.

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Well, at least Lowe’s knows how to advertise. Since that billboard looks unfinished to me.

19. She caught her cheating husband with state of the art equipment.

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I think ads like these belong on Craigslist. Not on billboards for all to see.

20. Cops hide here. So get a Mini Cooper.

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Sure the Mini Cooper is small. But an ad implying that cops hide behind the bushes is disturbing.

21. Want to see your teeth as we do? Go to Aspen Dental.

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I know she’s smiling. But it’s a frown upside down. That don’t look right.

22. Want to see the largest continent? Fly on Air Asia.

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Well, that’s a clever way to use puns. Hope it goes over the kids.

23. Got hemorrhoids? Tampa Proctology is at your service.

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Come in through the rear entrance. And please, no butt dials.

24. Want to enjoy Minnesota? Move to Wisconsin.

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Someone doesn’t seem to appreciate Minnesota very much. But this is from a Wisconsin real estate agency.

25. When burying your dead loved one, think outside the box.

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This is for a cemetery. But when they say to think outside the box, they usually don’t mean a coffin.

26. Don’t read enough? Try these audiobooks.

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I know some Americans may be offended by this. But this company is from Canada. Still, I’d replace the George W. Bush image with Donald Trump.

27. Your breasts won’t bounce with this bra.

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I don’t get the slogan. “Only the ball should bounce,” what the hell does that mean?

28. Seems like this billboard might’ve caused a car crash.

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Apparently, sex sells. Since this is for a mechanic’s garage. Guess they know how to drum up good business.

29. Is your wife hot? Get your air conditioning fixed.

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Well, that’s sure to get people’s attention. Though I’m not sure if it’s appropriate.

30. Got arrested? Call Jaeger & Blanker.

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Got to like their number 1-855-WTF-POPO. Though they seem to specialize in drugs and DUIs.

31. Seems like this lobster had to see a therapist.

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This is for an Australian lobster joint. Not sure why it featured cartoon lobsters in therapy.

32. The Dark Knight is open for litigation.

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Okay, his name just happens to be Batman. Wonder if he gets any flack from that. Couldn’t hurt his business.

33. Life Church TV is known to vanquish Satan.

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Not always a fan of religious billboards. But I think this one is quite clever if you ask me.

34. Texas Direct Auto loves your headlights.

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This is for a car buying service. And I don’t think the cars they buy aren’t anywhere nice.

35. Invest in your future, study engineering before sex.

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Funny how this ad implies you can’t have sex and study engineering. But still, use protection.

36. Asian Buffet: Poor English but great food.

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Though Asians will certainly find this sign quite offensive. This especially with the addition of “Oriental.”

37. Buy a diamond ring for her and get a free gun.

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Well, that’s one way to drum up business. Yet, should a jeweler really do this?

38. Alcohol: Cheaper than therapy.

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This is for a discount liquor store. Though between alcohol and therapy, I’d stick with therapy.

39. If you can bank anywhere, go with 1st Bank.

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Yet, why it has a surgeon operating, I don’t have the slightest idea. Seriously, banking shouldn’t be on your mind while cutting someone open.

40. Keep your butt covered.

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This one recommends that people get colonoscopies. Yet, why show someone’s butt cheeks, I don’t have a clue.

41. Fat and ugly? Join Fit 4 Less.

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Well, that’s a rather demeaning message. From a billboard in Great Britain, by the way.

42. Get your crabs at Dirty Dick’s Crab House.

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It’s a crab restaurant at Myrtle Beach. Yet, I see the dirty wordplay which would make many want to avoid it.

43. Spend time with your kids at the dinner table. Put family first.

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I know it’s supposed to encourage family togetherness. Yet, it seems to imply cannibalism.

44. Come to Buc-ee’s for food and gas.

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I know it’s just a run of the mill rest stop. Yet, kind of implies that the food you eat will give you gas.

45. Seems like we’ve come across a personal ad.

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Well, if you can afford a billboard, you can afford a spouse. Still, not sure about displaying one’s phone number though.

46. Texting while driving kills. But if you want to know more just text.

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Guess this is proof that irony knows no bounds. But seriously, texting while driving kills.

47. Got a DUI? Call 1-800-NOT-DRUNK.

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The fact so many people get DUIs can make this guy have a firm like this. Kind of a sad statement of our society.

48. So, what’s our slogan?

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Guess whoever made this billboard was totally high at the time. Wonder if it’s from Colorado.

49. Want to know information concerning your health and safety? See other side.

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And they seem to make it so urgent. But they wasted a whole space for the typography.

50. Save the whales. Go vegetarian and lose weight.

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This is from PETA, by the way. And yes, they have to get their message out their through fat shaming. Is there anything they wouldn’t do?

51. In advertising, it’s best to use only what you need.

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This one only uses a small orange square to get to the point. The rest is just bare.

52. Whether Pokémon or STDs, gotta catch ’em all.

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Not sure if Pokémon font is appropriate for this kind of matter. Seriously, why?

53. Committed a crime? Call Larry L. Archie.

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Famous clients include O.J. Simpson, Casey Anthony, George Zimmerman, and more. Okay, I’m just kidding. But that slogan’s just waiting to be mocked.

54. Serenity Creek Med Spa will get you from Sasquatch to smooth.

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So Bigfoot was basically a gorgeous blond woman inside the whole time. Didn’t see that coming.

55. Introducing Scooter, the neutered cat.

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Wonder what this is for. Bet it’s for a shelter or vet office.

56. Unfortunately, nothing can end hunger in Ohio.

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I think this is website. Still, kind of sends a rather dark message.

57. Greetings, from Quartzite, Arizona!

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Even includes, legends of camels. And it’s always the weekend there, except for people who live there. Since they have to work. Seems like someone’s desperate for tourists.

58. Don’t want to be caught dead in that dress? Tell the funeral home now.

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This is for a funeral home. Not sure if I agree with the slogan but it seems to work.

59. Illiterate? Write for free help.

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So if you’re illiterate, how can you write for free help. Because I don’t get it at all.

60. Prevent HIV and get tested with this crew.

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But I don’t know if this is the kind of way to get the message out. But whatever works for the kids.

61. Truth Ministry: where you can pray the Asian away.

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Boy, that’s racist. Guaranteed to work as well as gay conversion therapy like not at all with abusive side effects.

62. Don’t forget to turn your neighbors in.

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Not sure what this is for. But it’s kind of disturbing if you ask me.

63. Your local sheriff wishes you a happy Valentine’s Day.

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Well, that’s kind of awkward. Mostly because sheriffs don’t take billboards for Valentine’s Day.

64. Got man boobs? Call this number.

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This is from Minnesota, by the way. Not sure if I’d want to see that on the road though.

65. With the Daily Mail, both Kims are on the same page.

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Have to admit, at least the Daily Mail has a better ad campaign than the Post Gazette. Though I wouldn’t want to be associated with either Kim.

66. With Lean Plum, engage the shit out of your mobile users.

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Even uses the famous poop emoji. Though it’s only fair.

67. You’ll have liquor all over at Lee’s discount liquors.

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Says they have 17 Las Vegas locations. So even if it does well, it has a lot of competition.

68. Injured? Go to MyBaldLawyer.com.

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Well, at least he embraces his baldness. But not sure if him telling onlookers not to pull their hair out is a good idea.

69. Got a crack in your basement floor? Call the Crack Team.

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Even presents a guy named Mr. Happy Crack. Saying, “A dry crack is a happy crack!” That just cracks me up.

70. McDonald’s is always open at 6 am.

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Says “MY ASS.” Not sure what it means. But it’s hilarious.

71. Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets as well as your loved ones.

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Not sure if you should neuter your weird friends and relatives. Don’t know what to think about that.

72. Inspire the youth, control the future.

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However, using a quote by Adolf Hitler on your billboard won’t give you any favors. Seriously, the guy killed about 6-9 million Jews and started World War II.

73. Don’t be a pickle and stop vegetable abuse.

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This is for a sex shop. Yet, I really feel bad for that pickle.

74. According to Restored Church, God likes sex.

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Though I guess the sex God loves is between a straight married couple. I’m just guessing in regards to this church.

75. Sask always tells you to pork the one you love.

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This is for pork. But pork is also another euphemism for fuck, which they use on Honest Trailers.

76. You can reach this website as soon as you solve the problem.

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Unless you’re math genius, you’ll never be able to guess. And I wouldn’t recommend you using a calculator while driving.

77. Before you put up a billboard, always run it through spellcheck.

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I don’t think “pubic schools” is the right word for it. Apparently, their public schools don’t seem great at spelling.

78. Marital problems? Get a bigger house.

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Well, that’s how realtors look at it. Still, I think a bigger house won’t solve anyone’s relationship problems.

79. Store your things in Bitterroot Self-Storage.

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On Cemetery Lane, apparently. Gives a whole new meaning of “self-storage,” doesn’t it?

80. Want to wreck? Just keep looking at the boobies.

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That will certainly do the trick. Since guys are said to be attracted by big boobs.

81. Injured? Call Brown & Brown.

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Don’t mind the man in the eyepatch. Though I’m not sure if it helps their brand of success.

82. Save the date for the Testicle Festival.

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You’ll have to be nuts to miss it. Make no balls about it.

83. Need help? Consider hiring a lady lawyer.

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So she’s playing the woman card, isn’t she? Seriously, I’m a woman and I don’t think my gender makes me good at arguing.

84. With Virgin America, flying to Chicago no longer blows.

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Well, “blows” can also mean sucks. So they didn’t think this pun through.

85. You can even use a billboard to promote yourself.

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After all, he spent a whole lot of money to get noticed. So somebody should hire him.

86. Annoyed by higher taxes in Illinois? Move to Indiana.

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Keep in mind that Indiana has loose gun control laws that contribute to Chicago’s high murder rate. Look it up in regards to gun trafficking.

87. Need a summer job? Try being a kept woman.

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Okay, that’s just downright sick. And they’re targeting this sign for students? Makes me want to barf.

88. Get your sit together and buckle up.

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Yet, the buckle is covered in the middle. Makes you imagine a different term entirely.

89. At Lou Redman’s Barstool’s and Dining, check out their stool samples.

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Well, they sell stools and chairs, what do you expect? And no, they’re not talking about that kind of stool.

90. Just pop the question with a ring from Robbins Diamonds.

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And here she’s flipping the bird to drivers. So stop by before she dumps you’re sorry ass.

91. Why is Justin Bieber so sad? Is it because so many teens are unemployed?

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No, because teen employment isn’t as big of deal. Besides, Justin Bieber doesn’t care about anything but himself.

92. Still a virgin? We can help.

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Is this an escort service or a brothel? Not sure if I want to know.

93. Keep country roads safe. Don’t drive like a wanker.

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Wanker is a British expression for jackass. Yet, you see what they mean.

94. Outhouse Springs provides you with America’s first recycled water.

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Okay, I don’t want to drink that. Who knows what that water has been through.

95. Get a free HIV test for Mom.

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Look, I know it’s supposed to project tenderness between a mother and son. But since I know how HIV is transmitted, this scene gives me Manchurian Candidate vibes.

96. Camerman  wishes dog guy happy holidays.

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Now that’s kind of weird. Wonder if it’s inspired by some acid trip. Oh, it’s for Adult Swim.

97. Hey, you can win a free booby prize if you follow the link.

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Wonder if the booby prize involves boobs. Or if that’s just used to entice viewers.

98. All he wants for Christmas is a Latina girlfriend.

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Let’s hope he’s not a Trump supporter. If so, he’ll have is work cut out for him.

99. Gary wants to know if you’re asking for it?

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No, I am not. And I don’t want to ask him either. Also, that mullet is ugly.

100. Hold it in, you’ll make it. Just drive through the exit.

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I know we all feel that way at one time or another. Best we get some encouragement now and then.

Fun with Protest Signs

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Given that we in the United States live at the time of the Trump administration which threaten many Americans’ fundamental rights, values, and prestige around the world, there have been more mass protests than ever before. There’s the Women’s March, the March for Science, the March for Our Lives, and many more. Sometimes they may happen spontaneously or wherever Donald Trump may be like that mass demonstration in the UK during the summer. At any rate, you’ll find plenty of signs with clever sayings on them just to get to the point. A lot of these were made on cardboard with markers in block letters. Many of these have been featured on various sites like Buzzfeed or Pinterest. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasury of protest signs to entertain you on these dark days of Trump. Some of these may not be safe for work, by the way.

  1. At least IKEA cabinets are much more useful.
Well, I could definitely say the same about the Trump cabinet. Though you have to assemble the IKEA cabinets yourself.

2. This woman gives no apologies.

Because she’s a woman who stands up for herself. From the Women’s March, by the way.

3. Some people don’t always know what they’re protesting about.

Yes, yes, “Down with this sort of thing.” From a protest in Britain, I think.

4. Well, I hope Donald Trump did Nazi this sign coming.

Sure, Donald Trump isn’t Hitler. But he doesn’t see anything wrong with hiring white nationalists at the White House.

5. Seems like these protestors don’t get on.

Either that, or they’re having too much fun with each other. Still, the signs are funny.

6. Apparently, she thinks pot solves everything.

You have to wonder whether she’s totally high right now. Cause I don’t think legalized marijuana will solve all our problems.

7. Someone wants to feed Donald Trump to the dogs.

Yes, feed Trump to the corgies. Since Queen Elizabeth II famously owns them.

8. Gandalf gives the Picard facepalm.

I’m sure Sir Patrick Stewart would get a kick out of this. Since they’re friends and have been on X-Men together.

9. On any cardboard sign, you can only write so much.

Yes, there’s so much to be upset about. And so little space to adress your grievances.

10. Apparently, you don’t see these signs every day.

One wasn’t busy. One has a sign from the times. And one is mad as hell but is taking a deep breath and counting to 10.

11. Kids should be more worried about grades in school.

This is from the March for Our Lives protest. This arose after the Parkland shooting in February.

12. Donald Trump is an American Psycho.

Well, that’s quite appropriate. For Donald Trump is a sociopath who abuses his power to enrich himself.

13. This boy laid off the video games for this.

Apparently, he likes playing dystopian video games like Fortnite. Guess this is from the March for Our Lives.

14. So George Soros did pay protestors to be there.

Actually, I think this is a joke. Since George Soros has been a major focus of right-wing conspiracy theories, particularly on Fox News and InfoWars.

15. Bombing for peace solves nothing.

Yes, it’s basically like that. Mostly since violence only breeds more violence.

16. She was angry so she did embroidery.

After all, doing embroidery whas her way to relieve stress. As she inscribed on her sampler.

17.  Go ahead, tell them how you really feel.

Well, of course we’re really not happy about this. Because Donald Trump is president and he’s a total disaster.

18. Don’t tell this woman to smile.

Because women are told to smile all the time. Even when we’re mad as hell and can’t take it anymore.

19. Everything is fine. Nothing to see here.

Yes, everything is okay. Despite that Donald Trump is in the White House and is destroying the United States from within.

20. British people always try to be polite.

Wish I could tell Donald Trump to fuck off. Since he’s a complete monster.

21. Someone is a Star Wars fan.

These people are public employees protesting Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Becuase he tried to take away their collective bargaining rights.

22. Even Voldemort didn’t kill that many people all at once.

Guess this has to pertain to the Middle East. Does it concern Israel and Palestine? I’m not sure.

23. Seems like the Star Trek and Star Wars rivalry is quite fierce.

This is from a Trekkie. Still, most sci-fi fans usually like both. Since both Star Wars and Star Trek are good in their own way.

24. This guy hates crowds. But hates Trump more.

Yes, crowds are terrible since they’re so noisy. But having Trump as president is even worse.

25. There’s only one orange thing Scottish people are okay with.

Guess this is a beer in Scotland. Still, the Scots really hate his guts. Condolences for those who live near his Scottish golf course.

26. A Trump is better out than in.

Because a “trump” is British slang for fart, apparently. Still, this is hilarious.

27. Someone went out of their way to bash Donald Trump.

This Brit took off work and hired a babysitter. All to call Trump a “wanker.”

28. I’m sure that’s an understatement.

Indeed, Donald Trump likes going golfing on the weekends. Though I don’t think he’s any good either.

29. Dear Queen, don’t give him the good cookies.

They refer cookies as “biscuits” in Britain. not exactly sure why. Still, Trump treated the Queen like shit during his UK visit.

30. Melania, if you want us to save you, show us a sign.

However, I think that Melania is actually complicit in all this. Since she’s just Trump’s trophy wife.

31. This tennis fan is missing Wimbledon for this.

Though I do like how she called Trump a “tangerine wankmaggot.” Brits are so great with insults.

32. I’m sure protests can be civil affairs.

I think this is from The Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear by Comedy Central in 2009. Nonetheless, this is hilarious.

33. There is only one baby who should be caged.

Well, I can agree with that. With all Trump has done, we should put his ass in prison.

34. Don’t worry, these guys are from the internet.

I think these guys are from Anonymous. Since they’re wearing Guy Fawkes masks from V for Vendetta.

35. Beware, alt-right, for the witches are coming.

This is from a counter protest in Boston after Charlottesville. The sheer crowd size scared the white supremacists away.

36. When you don’t have science, you have no Death Star.

Indeed, this Stormtrooper is right. But is that a point you want to make? I mean it can blow up a planet.

37. As we can see, Trump is a prick with no wall.

Because Trump’s wall at the US-Mexican boder is a phenomenonally stupid idea. Also, Trump’s a complete prick.

38. Donald Trump is not our Cheeto.

Considering how orange Trump is, this is appropriate. Because his stan is cheeto color.

39. It’s very bad when a librarian has to show up at a protest.

Since librarians don’t go out much. For they prefer books over people.

40. Barack Obama really doesn’t fit the holy description.

Well, that’s one way to piss off a conservative Christian. Indeed, a lot of them decried Obama a lot of things during his presidency. Miss the guy.

41. These women could’ve had brunch instead of turn out.

This is from the Women’s March. And yes, hell hath no fury like millions of women scorned.

42. We only have to fear fear and zombies.

Because the zombies will kill us all in the apocalypse. So it’s best we all stay out of cemeteries.

43. After all, Liza Minnelli married 2 gay men.

This is a pro-gay marriage sign. Yet, I’m sure Liza didn’t find out until after she married those guys.

44. This guy’s been gay for 82 years.

Because gay isn’t a choice or a phase. And yes, old gay people do exist.

45. Hurt education, kids won’t learn how to spell.

I guess this was for a teacher’s strike. And yes, teachers don’t get the respect they deserve in many states.

46. Didn’t know there were Smashing Pumpkins fans here.

Oh, it has Trump’s face on it. Okay, I get the joke.

47. Looks like Deadpool and Wolverine are having a feud.

Then again, Deadpool might just be trolling Wolverine. Still, the sign is funny.

48. For some people, everything always sounds sinister in Arabic.

Don’t worry, they’ve translated it to English so you wouldn’t get scared. Sad how Islamophobia infects the nation.

49. Guess this a sign of what’s to come.

Well, most of us knew that a Trump presidency was bad news. But this woman went with a reusable sign since she has a lot to protest about.

50. It’s always customary to have a sign at a protest.

Kind of a generic sign if you ask me. Not really original.

51. This guy must be a real Belieber.

Guess this was during a protest when Justin Bieber was popular. Apparently, he attracted a lot notoriety since.

52. Now’s not the time to be turned on right now.

Hope he wasn’t at a women’s march. Then again, better a women’s march than a Trump rally.

53. Get a load of this strong American bitch.

She does happen to be a dog. Though her bark is worse than her bite. Yet, she will bite that cheeto orange man in the White House.

54. These banksters on Wall Street need to go to jail.

I think this is from an Occupy protest. Nonetheless, the art is spot on.

55. Canadians will always support their American sisters.

I know those words aren’t appropriate in polite conversation. But it certainly fits in the protest context.

56. Very strong opinions can’t always be put into a sign.

This is from a Women’s March. But at least the sign gets straight to the point.

57.  Apparently, this guy doesn’t understand.

What does he mean by somewhat irritated? In Trump times, a lot of things can cause extreme outrage.

58. Protest signs accomplish nothing.

At least this person seems honest. Though this kind of cracks me up.

59. Someone seems rather scared.

This person is afraid of people with signs at rallies. Though the ones at Trump rallies are understandable.

60. She takes run like a girl to a whole new level.

That’s how you show them, kiddo. She’ll grow up to be a fine woman some day.

61. Don’t like gay marriage? Blame straight people.

Well, it has a valid point. It’s the straight people making gay babies. Since most gay people have straight parents.

62. Some guy’s keeping score in Trump’s golf game.

This is another British anti-Trump protestor. Though he decided to troll the Pussygrabber-in-chief in the most epic way possible.

63. Swamp creatures never drain the swamp.

I can agree with that. You should see the people in Trump’s cabinet.

64. Oh, God, Trump’s got the queen.

This is King Kong takeoff is brilliant. Though I’d exclude the cross of gold. I know the Religious Right backs him. But Trump never goes to church.

65. Not even Melania likes Trump, according to this sign.

Melania may not love Trump. But she loves his money. So she’s not going anywhere.

66. When talking about Donald Trump’s crimes, it’s difficult where to begin.

Yes, I get that feeling all the time. Since Donald Trump is an all-around wretched human being with practically no redeeming qualities. Other than not being a cannibal or murderer.

67. Just let that case do the talking.

Indeed, that describes Trump so perfectly. Got to love the Brits.

68. This woman has a public cervix announcement for Trump.

Indeed, we should all tell Trump to “fuck you.” Yet, Stormy Daniels doesn’t think it’s a good idea.

69. This light up sign has a very valid point.

Yeah, I think we took it too far with Trump. Since he’s totally not qualified for the job at all.

70. After all, there’s no marriage bans for assholes.

I mean Trump’s been married 3 times. So has Giuliani and Gingrich. So she has a valid point.

71. Seems to be a Daily Show fan to me.

Her comedy central is Fox News. Her news channel is Comedy Central.

72. Corporations are people when Texas executes one.

I can get behind this one. Since corporations aren’t people and shouldn’t have the same rights either.

73. Capitalism, you got serious problems.

After all, unrestricted capitalism is how many of us got in this financial mess. Yet, no Wall Street banker has been jailed for causing the 2008 recession.

74. Don’t believe in government? Don’t run for office.

Yet, libertarians and Republicans don’t seem to listen. And that’s why we have men like Trump in the White House.

75. Someone doesn’t seem to understand healthcare policy.

Uh, Medicare is socialized medicine. That’s why Democrats like me want Medicare for all.

76. There’s no excuse not to be civil at a protest.

Well, doesn’t hurt to disagree respectfully. Might be from Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear.

77.  Down with those rich corporate CEOs!

This is pretty clever if you ask me. Rich CEOs are a bunch of greedy bastards who want to hold onto their power.

78. You should always try to see others’ perspectives.

Well, it always help to understand different points of view. Though sometimes, it can prove difficult.

79. This gay guy just wants one marriage.

I mean Newt Gingrich treats women like some people treat cars. If something’s wrong with the one he has, he casts her aside for a newer model.

80. When Twitter’s down, one must use other ways of communication.

Not sure if signage is the way to go. There’s always blogging though.

81. Stop the tyrannical automatic renewals!

Guess people are upset with automatic renewals. Not sure why.

82. If there’s something conservatives should like about gay people…

You have to hand that to them. Since gay unions don’t result in unintended pregnancies.

83. We all know this is bound to happen.

Indeed, because Fox News is a conservative propaganda machine. Now it’s basically Trump TV.

84. Don’t think a protest is a place for a gang bang.

Yet, he holds such sign in colorful letters. Guy must be mad.

85. Some people are so angry they’d go do something about it.

Though not enough peope were angry enough to vote in 2016. And that’s why we got Lord Cheetohead in the White House.

86. These people don’t know what they’re protesting about.

They seem to be there for the beer. Though I don’t think there is any.

87. Indeed, our country has a grave case of electile dysfunction.

You got that right. Yet, that’s a close representation of the Capitol.

88. Islamophobes assume the worst with Arabic script.

Don’t worry, it just says, “McDonald’s.” Nothing to fret about.

89. Now here’s a cause we all can get behind.

Since some people start decorating for Christmas before it’s Halloween. Can’t they just wait until after Thanksgiving.

90. We all have our limits.

He’s using a straw to hold up his protest sign. Where he got it, I have no idea.

91. I believe someone must disagree.

Indeed, she begs to differ. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

92. Let this be clear: most Muslims aren’t terrorists. 

His wife may not be a terrorist. But he’s still scared of her anyway.

93. Best we be cool about everything here.

This one has the Dude from The Big Lebowski. Love this.

94. If God hates gays, why are they so cute?

Guess they’re making fun of Westboro Baptist Church. Still, it’s pretty funny.

95. How they protest in Canada.

She is a bit upset. That’s Canadian for “super pissed.”

96. We all may need Jesus during these dark times.

I’m sure anti-Trump Christians like me are all praying right now. Because we really can’t do much else.

97. Someone’s xenophobic.

Has a picture of Xenia, Warrior Princess. And I can see why this person might be afraid of her.

98. We should all pay our taxes.

Love the snake sign that says, “Slytherin.” Definitely says a lot about those who fly the “Don’t Tread on Me” flags.

99. We only get a certain amount of time.

Someone doesn’t have time for all this. Well, don’t we all?

100. Circus clown needs a job.

He wants to be in Congress where he belongs. Can’t really argue with that.

The World According to Stock Photography

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While much of my blog has been filled with posts teeming with outrage over what my country has become since President Pussy-Grabber was sworn in to encouraging ICE to separate families at the border and putting children in cages, tent cities, and concentration camps, we should try to maintain our sanity with some fun now and then. No matter how hard it might seem to be. Nonetheless, like Lord Hamsterhair Cheetohead lately, stock photography is everywhere since it consists of photographs that can be licensed for public or commercial use. Whether used in marketing, advertising, or design as long as it’s not illegal or harmful, many graphic designers, web designers, and other professionals frequently take advantage of stock images to fill their design needs. Anyway, most often you’ll find stock photos on professional websites and greeting cards. In fact, it’s a whole industry which started in the 1920s as a way for professional photographers to market outtakes from commercial photo shoots. But many pro photographers today take photos exclusively for stock purposes since a large portfolio can earn a considerable amount of money each month from selling their images through a photography website. Even if the photographer doesn’t add new photos on a regular basis. Still, they have a reputation for being notoriously cheesy and generic with bland happy faces in their diverse workplaces of harmony and in their seemingly perfect but bland families. But there are some stock photos that are too ridiculous to explain or don’t seem to have any applicable purpose whatsoever. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of crazy stock photos. By the way, some of these might not be safe for work.

  1. “Do you know how to work this thing?”

I’m sure these guys have no idea to function as a news crew. Or they’re just goofing off.

2. Anyone can be a princess.

However, this guy seems to be really pushing the envelope. Still, he rocks the red sash.

3. So what do they call if you cross a dog and a frog?

Yes, I know it’s photoshopped. But you have to wonder about the mad scientist who’d create this freak of nature.

4. It’s been said his brains are made of noodles.

Granted, I love pasta and noodles. But this isn’t the kind candlelight dinner I’d want to participate in.

5. Not all snails travel at a snail’s pace.

This one practically gallops. Oh, wait, why does this one have legs?

6. Apparently, The Shape of Water didn’t get a stellar reception on a small budget.

This is why using CGI is important. Because simply kissing a fish is just ridiculous.

7. There are centaurs and there are these.

Somehow a horse head with a human lower body doesn’t look so good. And I think the centaur would agree with me.

8. Some chick just got puffed.

Guess someone decided to get a large blue fro. The other can’t help but stare.

9. Apparently, Swamp Thing decided to leave the swamp and get a regular job.

Though he’s got a tendency to track in leaves now and then. Here you see him fetching a file.

10. When you’ve been in a car wreck but the boss insists you show up for work on Monday.

Yeah, you can’t really do your office job after you’ve been injured in a number of places. But I guess his workplace doesn’t have paid sick leave.

11. When you’re robbing the place and want to show some color.

From Outbound: “A jaunty cravat makes any robbery a special occasion.” And here he’s stealing a hard drive.

12. Bertha always saw herself as a queen.

She’s even wearing a pink dress and a tiara. But she thinks she looks fabulous.

13. This astronaut has a flight to catch in space.

I see he’s got his luggage with him since he can’t do his laundry at the ISS. Still, why is he wearing a space suit?

14. It’s nice that Jerry has decided to make dinner tonight.

Heard his secret sauce is from an old family recipe. It’s said to include a tablespoon of arsenic, a teaspoon of strychnine, and just a pinch of cyanide.

15. This dog breed is known as a Jacques Rousseau Terriere.

He’s easy to distinguish from the Jack Russell with his curly mustache, his taste in French bread and wine, and his penchant for berets, paintings, and arthouse films. And he doesn’t care for pretentious cheap dog food either.

16. Apparently, the mime has just managed to escape from the jaws of death.

And by “jaws” I mean large chomping mouth of teeth you’d find at a dentist’s office. Doesn’t seem thrilling does it?

17. Seems like this chimp is quite the chatterbox.

“And then I told him, ‘Dude, chill down. It’s not worth flinging your poo over.'”

18. Didn’t know you could play frisbee with your pet turtle.

Apparently, they’re really great at playing fetch for some reason. Don’t really see why since they move like, well, turtles.

19. Wonder how many pictures did they take of him?

Even this kid is baffled. And he sat for the other pictures.

20. Her face is a little cracked.

Let’s hope that her delicate eggshell face cracks don’t lead anything to spill over. Because that would really make a mess.

21. Wearing a watermelon helmet changes everything.

This is especially when you’re wearing goggles and stick your tongue out. Wonder if he’s high on life.

22. And now, a stop-motion version of Romeo and Juliet by director Wes Anderson.

Yes, it consists of two people wearing animal masks and dressed in hipster clothing. Don’t think this will go well for Wes. Unless he casts Owen Wilson as Friar Lawrence.

23. With romantic dinners, there are just some foods you shouldn’t make out with.

Sharing a kiss during a romantic dinner a la Lady and the Tramp is romantic. Sharing a kiss during a chicken dinner is just plain disgusting.

24. Crazy Larry will clean your car and keep it nice and polished.

But don’t you leave anything in it. Or else he’ll take it and pawn it off for some extra cash to support his meth habit. He’s also had an infamous reputation with the ladies and a record of sexual misconduct.

25. During desert nights, beware of the fierce and dreaded cattysnake.

Known to hang around pumpkin patches for some reason. But while they may be cuddly, their bites are deadly.

26. “Take that, you pathetic puppy!”

I kind of feel bad for the dog here. I mean how is anyone going to take him seriously after getting the crap beat out of him by a guy in a banana costume?

27. When your baking has caused your stove to burst into flames but you don’t have a care in the world.

The smoke detector is on the fritz like crazy. But instead of getting the fire extinguisher or calling the fire department, he’s watching the stove burn with a glass of wine.

28. Want to eat a slice of bread with nails?

Of course, you want to eat that. Because you’d find swallowing all those nails as painful as hell.

29. You’re never too old to have fun.

Since when do they have rocking horses in adult size? And since when do old men enjoy going on horsey rides?

30. When you just have to get that last selfie while your friend is about to be burned for a human sacrifice.

“I know you’ll be burned to death, Kyle. But for now, let’s remember the good times before I get the hell out of here.”

31. “Greg, I don’t think you get the meaning of ‘Casual Friday.'”

I mean he’s showed up with messy hair and no shirt. And I’m not sure if he’s even wearing pants or shoes.

32. “Ahhh, grass!”

Yes, she enjoys lying in the grass. Then again, she could be murdered in the middle of nowhere.

33. “Wanna see my pineapple dance?”

Funny, how that one pineapple is conveniently placed in her crotch region. Not to mention, she’s wearing a winter hat.

34. When you’re in a tender embrace with your significant other but are considering other options.

Indeed, they’re hugging each other while checking their phones. Guess that’s modern dating nowadays.

35. “Help! I’m trapped in a jar with exclamation points!”

And I guess she’s trying to figure her way out of there. Though she might be running out of ideas.

36. “Answer the question or I’ll shoot!”

Not exactly the best way to deal with the big questions. Shoot first never works well.

37. “It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Business Man!”

Flying in the air faster than a speeding printer and more powerful than a server filled with memoranda. Flying through the sea of finance and willing to save the day from a calamitous paper jam.

38. Presented The Bachelor: Equine Edition.

Watch a bunch of mares compete for the heart of this dashing stallion at this lavish stable. Or as it’s better known: Study Duty.

39. Since she was a little girl, this demonic goblin had a dream to dance.

Here she does her Black Swan dance for the Transylvania Ballet Theater. Graceful isn’t she? Wonder if she’d do well with Gollum.

40. Ever heard of Wendy of Wendy’s? Turns out she has a brother named Wendell.

He’s a certified public accountant at some firm in Cedar Rapids. They don’t talk about him much.

41. “If we should go down, we’ll die together.”

For God’s sake, the two have guns pointed at each other? You can guess they’re going to blow each other’s brains out eventually.

42. A well-dressed mouse should always stand for a portrait.

Though why she has human hands, I have no idea. Though she strikes a regal pose.

43. If you can’t get Bill Nye the Science Guy, here’s Lab Guy Larry.

He’s kind of a poor man’s Bill Nye. Except way more careless and prone to bites from skeletons.

44. This nun seeks prayer and meditation under the sea.

Don’t know how she can be underwater without scuba gear. Not to mention, look serene in that heavy habit.

45. This pampered pooch always has to shop till she drops.

Carrie Pawpaws just has to have those designer dog collars. Not to mention, those fine rawhide bones and squeaky toys.

46. After a career terrorizing Gotham City, the Joker decided to work for Wayne Enterprises as an accountant.

Now whenever he wants to terrorize Gotham, he just embezzles money and commits insider trading. Because white-collar criminals seldom get punished.

47. Open wide for this puffer fish.

Uh, those fish are actually poisonous. So trying to eat one like that is a very easy way to die. But this woman doesn’t get the memo.

48. This boxer has become the reigning champion of his sister’s bedroom.

Or he might just have a girly taste in decorating. You never know. But he doesn’t seem bothered by it either way.

49. Some days you just need to relax with some Post-It Notes.

Notice she has nothing written on them. But she doesn’t give a damn since she’s in her happy place.

50. When you find out that your longtime crush is in a relationship on social media.

Indeed, she feels dead inside. But she can’t really look away. I know she’s getting carried away. Yet, get her time.

51. “Thank God, I saved the crucial paperwork!”

Still, when you’re out in the water, saving the paperwork is the least of your worries. For God’s sake, you’re better off trying to find dry land.

52. “Now, class, when I ring the bell, settle down and I’ll give you candy.”

Not sure if employing Pavlov’s techniques will help. This especially goes if they’re in high school.

53. “Sit down, class, let’s get busy on those physics problems.”

If I had a teacher like that in school, I’d suspect I was in a porno. And that one of my classmates was about to fall victim to statutory rape. Then again, it’s best not to judge by appearances. But come on, would any school let a teacher dress like that?

54. “Sit down, kids, it’s time to learn.”

I guess you won’t have a good time in this guy’s class. Behave or he’ll introduce you to his friend, Mr. Longstick.

55. In the future, people will spend hours marveling and contemplating on corn.

Now I know where that family got their idea for their crazy futuristic corn people Christmas card. Didn’t know it was from a stock photo that made no sense.

56. “All right, don’t move! This is a raid!”

Man, armed robbers and murderers really do start young these days. Also, don’t mind the hand above. My guess is that person is dead.

57. You’ll always have a good time in a string quartet.

Yeah, I don’t think it’s like Sex and the City with stringed instruments and old timey costumes. Yeah, I know it’s really crazy.

58. When it rains, she barely touches the chair.

This stock photo was brought to you by the power and imagination that comes with brown acid. Because someone must’ve been tripping balls to come up with this photo idea.

59. “Paint me like one of your French girls.”

Maybe he should take off his clothes first. Then again, it would still be kind of silly. Except if he had rock hard abs. But I can’t imagine that.

60. For some reason those trapped in jars will either panic or try to get out.

The businessman is especially panicky. The construction worker’s just scaling the walls.

61. I’m positive she’s going out with a bang.

Because that’s what happens when you light a dynamite stick with a cigarette. It’s sure to be explosive.

62. “Oh, shit, I’ve burned the chicken!”

Yet, she’s not wearing oven mitts. While smoke is coming out of the oven.

63. Walk on the moon? That’s so 1969.

So this astronaut has decided to bike on the moon. Not sure if the tires will retain air in the vacuum of space.

64. This Christmas Santa is ditching his sleigh and reindeer for a magic jet.

Because he needs a more efficient way to deliver all those presents on one night. Unfortunately, Rudolph and the other reindeer may not see it that way.

65. Is there a fire? Call the fire lizard.

Well, maybe if the fire is confined to a small tree. Comes complete with his red hat and fire extinguisher.

66. Don’t have a defibrillator? A pair of irons will do.

Still, he seems very excited to use them on his patient. Kind has crazy eyes and a weird smile. This doesn’t look good.

67. Introducing Captain Waggles of the U.S.S. Doggypaddle.

Here he is with a lifejacket and fingers up. Wait a minute, dogs don’t have fingers.

68. It’s said those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

And that people who work in glass offices with glass dividers shouldn’t have sex on the job. Let’s hope neither are married with families.

69. When you’re a TV, it’s always dinner for one.

And I see she’s looking at a TV screen. Kind of twisted if you ask me.

70. Didn’t know that farts can leave a cloud of gas.

And it’s drifting to the flowers. Well, at least we aren’t around when the cheese was cut.

71. “Hello, darkness, my old friend….”

Yet, he lies in his bed on a sheet cake which will get his face covered in icing. But he’s laying awake in existential dread and loneliness.

72. When you’re in the buff and you need to feed your cat.

Notice how the fridge door is conveniently placed over him. Just so he can give his cat some meat.

73. “Okay, let’s put our helmets together.”

Yet, they’re clad in high heels and dresses. Not exactly what you’d wear on a motorcycle.

74. Chipmunks like to get it on at the copier.

Don’t know about you. But I’ve got a feeling those at the office will be seeing some chipmunk porn sometime in the near future.

75. Today’s Special: Head.

And she’s in a styrofoam tray covered in plastic wrap. Just like meat at the grocery store.

76. Seems like her lower body isn’t attached to the rest of her.

Yet, she seems to awe at that after the magician sawed her in half. Unfortunately, he couldn’t put her back together.

77. “Excuse me, you dirty whore, but that’s my boyfriend you’re fucking.”

The guy’s like, “Honey, you’re early. Nancy and I were just having a discussion on….adoptions.”

78. Sometimes you can type what you want from the screen.

And the cat’s just staring dumbfounded at the screen. Like it must’ve accidentally drank a milk dish with acid.

79. “Wanna share a cold one with me on the road?”

This guy’s getting so busted if police pull him over. Because drunk driving is dangerous and has killed people.

80. If you want to keep your kids safe on the internet.

My mistake. If you see your kid in night-vision goggles and a tinfoil hat, you best send your kid to a therapist. Otherwise, he might grow up into a full-blown conspiracy theorist like Alex Jones.

81. This guy really wants to see what’s in this laptop.

On the bright side, at least he can’t steal your online data. Only commit deliberate physical sabotage.

82. Behind a dumpster in an alley, an astronaut seeks a horse genie.

The genie grants the spaceman 3 wishes in exchange for a lifetime supply of hay and sugar cubes. Also it shits gold.

83. Someone’s in deep denial on their baldness.

Since he’s using a comb that he doesn’t need. Because he already shaves his head.

84. “All right, Eileen, let’s settle this with an umbrella fight on the roof.”

However, they’re attempting a showdown during a thunderstorm. Not the smartest thing to do, especially if lightning strikes one of them.

85. Here’s the new face of Wall Street Finance with an office at Suite 666.

Still, ladies, I’d stay away from that guy if I were you. Since his looks could kill while his demonic eyes show he’s up to no good.

86. “Jason, I didn’t know your dick was that huge!”

Please don’t tell me that guys look at each other’s dicks in the men’s room. Because I don’t know what to make of this photo.

87. You’d almost swear he takes after his father.

The resemblance is so uncanny. Maybe because they photoshopped the dad’s face to the son.

88. This takes getting canned to a whole new level.

Having to work in a trash can must really suck. But this guy’s taking it in stride.

89. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Malware.

Apparently, wizards can now use and repair computers. While Harry’s not hunting dark wizards, he’s working part-time as an IT guy at the Ministry of Magic.

90. When you have to return to work from a business summit at a nudist colony.

Yeah, that has to be embarrassing. And he only has a briefcase to cover his genitals. Too bad everyone else will see his butt.

91. “Come on, y’all! Let’s take the tennis court back from the jocks!”

With a tennis racket in one and an AR-15 in the other, Bridget leads the punk tennis revolution. It was a glorious moment for goths, punks, and emos everywhere.

92. At the office some men may deflate and lose their spines.

And here is a 100% accurate depiction of a Republican Congressman in Trump’s America. If you’re represented by one, it’s time to vote them out of office in November.

93. Ever have to be deep in thought against a toilet in the middle of the desert?

From Bored Panda: “This is the state of mind one enters at 3am after having crawled home from that awesome night out, spent the last half hour hugging the bowl, then suddenly you become the universe, the whole universe and everything in it.”

94. “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

Where’s Life Alert where you need it? Also, Grandma’s not coming to Christmas this year.

95. “Must sniff donut sugar..”

Seems like someone has a problem with white powder donuts. Someone better give her an intervention.

96. Old people enjoy their retirement with a gun over a rabbit that’s cared for life.

It’s only a matter of time until they get the gun back together and shoot the rabbit dead. So run, bunny, run! Or it’s kill the rabbit and rabbit stew.

97. The Lord taketh, the Lord poseth for selfie.

I can’t even list all the things wrong with this. Also, can I see a selfie of Jesus with his disciples at the Last Supper?

98. Now you can surf the net while riding the waves.

Still, I don’t think he’ll fare so well when he has to ride the big wave. But at least he’s sent his 3rd quarter expense reports.

99. “Just one more picture before we shut the trunk for our escape.”

Luckily for Marvin, his kidnappers were dumb enough to post a photo of a him in a trunk and brag about abducting him on social media. So police will find him and bring him home in no time.

100. When you’re baking cookies while trying to survive the fallout from the apocalypse.

Though the cookies might be a bit radioactive. But sometimes that’s a risk you must be willing to take in the bunker.

Make a Wish and Blow Out the Candles with These Birthday Party Cakes (Fourth Edition)

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Next Saturday will be my 28th birthday. So like the few previous years, I usually commemorate the occasion with an assortment of crazy birthday cakes you’d find in a store thanks to Cake Wrecks. When you go to a bakery or store like Wal Mart or Giant Eagle, you usually expect the cakes they make to resemble what you’d see in a book they provide or what you’d specify. However, there are times when it’s not the case. Sometimes customers might see a cake with all kinds of mistakes or unintentional errors. But often they have to make the best of the situation. Since you don’t really want to waste a cake. So for your reading pleasure, I give you yet another assortment of birthday cakes gone wrong. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way. Enjoy.

  1. Perhaps you might want a Shrek cake for your birthday.

Okay, Shrek looks terrifying in this. Like he’d eat children and squeeze the jelly out of your eyes. No, he’s not like that in the movie.

2. Small children will always delight with a Barney cake.

Seems like Barney is giving himself a bikini wax. Nothing to see here, kids.

3. Anyone who enjoys Angry Birds will rave about these cakes.

Well, they hardly look angry and they barely look like birds. More like badly drawn Sesame Street characters.

4. There are plenty of kids who’d like a birthday cake of Sponge Bob Squarepants.

Well, it seems that Sponge Bob’s squarepants are now a speedo. And his legs are unusually long.

5. Elmo always makes a wonderful first birthday cake.

Sure he might be in a diaper. But, yes, his smiley face kind of freaks you out.

6. Sometimes when ordering a cake, it might be better not to specify the punctuation.

Since the word “comma” is written into the cake. Perhaps a grammatically correct cake isn’t all that’s cracked up to be.

7. They say many kids would want a cake of Dora the Explorer.

From Mommy Shorts: “Dora the ‘OMG! There are two giant walruses fighting over my hair!'” Though they don’t seem to have white tusks. But yes, the kind of resemble walruses.

8. Sometimes the instructions may get lost in translation.

No, I don’t think that person wanted a cake that said, “Giant 57.” More like a 57 in a giant font size.

9. Not sure if that person wanted a cake with ramen noodles on their mom’s cake, but there you go.

I think the cake decorator wasn’t supposed to hear “ramen noodles.” But it’s on the cake anyway.

10. Of course, children can’t resist a cake of Mickey Mouse.

Why did does Mickey have Princess Leia buns instead of his large circle ears. And why is he smiling like he’s about to stab me?

11. There are times when a nice birthday cake for a friend can go awry.

Yes, some “f” adjectives can be quite positive. But the word “fat” is usually not one of them. Though being “fit” and “fat” is possible.

12. They say youth comes to die at 40.

And his cake is of a tombstone with white and black roses. Well, you’re only young once I suppose.

13. When your baby’s turning 1, make sure the 1 candle isn’t in an inconvenient location.

Yeah, putting that candle between Winnie the Pooh’s legs make it seem like he’s having a wet dream. Still, isn’t he supposed to be a plush toy anyway? I mean Pooh’s not supposed to have any junk.

14. Uh, I think they just wanted the name “Al” under “Happy Birthday.”

You have people who might take instructions way too literally. You have to wonder why you even get cakes like these.

15. At every place, there is always someone who doesn’t take directions well.

This recipient ordered a cake with a green and yellow inscription. They got neither.

16. Happy Birthday, actually we want you to join a 12 step.

Not sure why they make cakes to get people into rehab. But I suppose it might work for some.

17. A kid named Nemo should naturally get a Finding Nemo birthday cake.

Still, Nemo and Dory don’t seem to be a lively pair on this one. Quite the contrary actually.

18. There are times when a cake can send the wrong message.

Was this a cake meant for Father’s Day for Gomez Addams? Or a birthday cake for Herman Munster? Cause this one seems quite grim.

19. Well, they said Stan enjoyed swimming.

Yet, this boy seems like he’s dead in the water. Think we might need a lifeguard in this case.

20. Happy Birthday Keith and Arianna and don’t worry about anything.

A cake with the saying “He trusts you!” doesn’t seem like a good sign for me. Just a thought.

21. There are some men who might want a fishing cake.

Though they wanted the name “Gary” in white. That didn’t happen.

22. “Happy Birthday, Sprinkles!”

Oh, they wanted sprinkles on the birthday cake. Still, at least they got that. Since it has plenty of sprinkles.

23. This person only wanted a 1 on this cake.

This is definitely for a boy’s first birthday as far as the color’s concerned. Yet, some decorator doesn’t know how to take directions.

24. Often an icing likeness doesn’t go over well.

And it seems like this icing girl doesn’t know how to smile. More confused at what’s going on. Like me looking at this cake.

25. A child would delight in a Scooby Doo cake.

Seems like Scooby Doo has a rather thick neck. Still, kind of freaks me out.

26. Apparently, Linda didn’t get what she wanted on her cake.

Looks like this cake didn’t get the cherry. But it did get the instruction which is barely a consolation.

27. A beach body cake should always have a bit of realism.

Though this is a bit too realistic. Seriously, I’m all for not shaving pubic hair. But that doesn’t mean it should be on a cake.

28. Sometimes people just want their cake to be simple.

Indeed this person, just wanted “Happy Birthday.” And they got in on the cake twice.

29. A monkey is always a wonderful motif for a baby’s first birthday.

Though the banana is unfortunately placed between the legs. Not really sending a family friendly connotation here.

30. A dresser cake is perfect for a young girl.

Though I think her name’s supposed to be “Bobbie.” I’m sure her birthday cake will lead to a lot of teasing in school.

31. A cake of a gorgeous woman would fulfill a man’s dreams.

Though there’s something phallic about this cake. I mean her boobs could be easily seen as balls for some reason.

32. You’re never too old to have a birthday cake with a Disney Princess.

Yet, strangely, Snow White doesn’t seem smiling in this one. Or smiling rather awkwardly.

33. Any Disney girl would love a crown cake for her birthday.

Well, it doesn’t seem to resemble a princess crown. More like a crown passed to a younger sister.

34. A 21st birthday is always seen as a rite of passage.

And this one has a Ken Doll puking into a toilet of sprinkles. Kind of disgusting if you think about it too hard.

35. “Happy Birthday Concentrated Debbie.”

Yeah, I have no idea what it means either. Also, what’s with all the cherries?

36. Someone must complain a lot.

I think it’s supposed to be “Whitney.” Still, this is kind of hilarious.

37. For some a birthday cake should have a festive spin.

Though this is a plain cake that says, “Happy Birthday and Fireworks.” Seems this isn’t what they wanted.

38. Apparently, someone has mixed feelings about their child.

Well, kids can seem like brats sometimes. Though this kid is probably turning 9 from what I can count of the candles. Then again, his name is probably Brad and he’s not an unpleasant child at all.

39. There are occasional cakes that can make flagrant accusations.

Let’s hope this is a misspelling of someone’s name. Because such accusation might put you on a sex offender list later.

40. Perhaps you might want a floral cake?

So who the hell names their kid Stick? Because this just seems kind of weird.

41. A rainbow cake should brighten anyone’s birthday.

I guess they wanted a birthday plaque. Not the word “Plaque.” Too bad they didn’t get what they wanted.

42. Best not mind the chocolate bits in the center.

This one says “Just Happy Birthday.” Still, the chocolate bits might be tasty. But they don’t do wonders on its appearance.

43. An 18th birthday cake should always have a unique design.

Though this cake seems more appropriate for a bachelorette party. Includes some silver decorations on the top.

44. Any young child would adore an Oscar the Grouch cake.

And here’s Oscar in his debut on The Walking Dead. And yes, he’s hungry for your brains.

45. Sometimes a birthday cake can be ordered on the stealth insult side.

Not sure if the “you whores” addition was intentional or not. But it’s kind of funny it’s on a cake with pink flowers.

46. Well, at least they included the clown hat.

Though they didn’t have to write it down on the cake. Just putting a clown hat on there would’ve been fine.

47. A first birthday cake should always have endearing characters.

However, these seem like they’re from some horror show. That figure seems like it’s coming apart.

48. There are some places where a tickling hand is appropriate.

But a birthday cake for a 30 year old man isn’t one of them. Also, it looks kind of creepy if you ask me.

49. Young boys always relish with Star Wars birthday cake.

Still, the message seems a bit odd. Sure he’s unlikely to become a Jedi. But does that mean you should have it on a cake?

50. Seems like they don’t know what to do with this birthday boy.

This could almost be a great birthday cake for Anthony Scaramucci. Since he only lasted in the Trump White House for 11 days.

51. A Harley Davidson cake should look badass.

Yet, the flames on this sheet cake seem rather pathetic. Doesn’t inspire any impressive feats.

52. Anyone with the Force would approve of a lightsaber cake.

Though the lightsaber seems rather erect. Like a Jedi has to show their rod.

53. There are those cake decorators who can’t make up their mind.

They think they should decorate a cake. But they’re not sure if it’s this one. And there’s the script.

54. Even adults couldn’t resist a unicorn.

Seems like this unicorn isn’t too happy. Also, doesn’t seem like it’s well drawn either.

55. A cake like this is only appropriate for an old tortoise.

Still, the turtle doesn’t seem lively on this one. Then again, neither is an average person turning 75.

56. You should always follow directions but not too literally.

These cakes say, “Happy Birthday on Both.” One has flowers. The other has a rainbow.

57. A birthday cake should always sparkle.

But a birthday cake that says, “Sparkle” doesn’t go so well. Though the flowers are pretty.

58. Always pipe the words on a cake after you spray paint it.

Because you can barely see “Happy Birthday” on here. Decorator should’ve waited a little while.

59. Apparently, Kelly is an Auburn fan.

Because it’s written on her cookie cake. Despite that the decorator didn’t really need to.

60. Everything should be in its proper place.

But that doesn’t mean they need a description in icing. Unless these inscriptions were for the decorator.

61. Perhaps a beach birthday cake may suit you.

Yet, this one has pumpkin decorations for some reason. Doesn’t seem to be right.

62. Happy Birthday to whoever’s covered in green.

Evidently someone put on the wrong name. So they blocked out in green. Now it’s a green blob.

63. A birthday cake should have a rather intricate design.

However, this seems to resemble a spiral with some yellow icing. Looks really disgusting.

64. When featuring a photo, always choose wisely.

Yeah, that isn’t a flattering picture. This is probably intentional. But if you’re a parent, would you want your kids to see you in a thong? No.

65. Even an adult could enjoy a cake of Chewbacca.

Thankfully, Chewie has aged better in the newer Star Wars movies than on this cake. Here he just resembles a giant Ewok from your nightmares.

66. A little girl will delight in this Minnie birthday cake.

Actually this is an android Minnie Mouse. She has no life in her. Nor any talents but smiling like a serial killer.

67. Back in the 2000s, young girls would die for a Hanna Montana cake.

Miley Cyrus today would’ve been embarrassed to see her likeness on this cake. Kind of makes her seem a bit cheeky.

68. A bunny cake for a kid’s birthday is always nice.

As long as it’s not the Playboy Bunny. But the parents of this 6-year-old didn’t get the memo. Seriously, Hugh Hefner was a creep and his magazine promoted the objectification of women.

69. Any boy would enjoy an Angry Birds birthday cake.

The contraptions are clearly made out of Kit Kat bars. Still, seems rather sloppy on the icing.

70. Not sure what would stink about a skunk cake.

Kind of says, “well, you’re rather cute but give a foul stench when you’re threatened.” Also, prone to get run over by a car.

71. Any Hawaiian girl would love a Hawaiian Barbie cake.

The grass skirt kind of resembles a broom. Perhaps this isn’t as good an idea as it’s cracked up to be.

72. Young children might enjoy a birthday cake of Bob the Builder.

Is that ground meat? Please don’t say it’s ground mea? Because that’s just plain unsanitary as disgusting.

73. A future free thrower craves for a basketball birthday cake.

The cake is a basketball court while the figures are baseball players. So this is basically a baseketball cake?

74. A Yoda cake, wise choice it is.

But family friendly, it is not. As Yoda show off his lightsaber upwards, he has.

75. Seems like someone getting money from decorating this cake.

Because they have the inscription, “Big tip if it’s there before 12.” Not something you’d want to see on a birthday cake.

76. Nothing brings smiles like a little horse cake.

More like a dead horse cake. Some little kid will be disappointed or traumatized on their birthday.

77. Any girl would want a cake with Belle and Cinderella.

Belle and Cinderella seem like they’re more likely to fit in a horror movie than Disney. Belle’s eyes are especially terrifying.

78. Nobody could hate a duck cake for a baby’s first birthday.

Okay, that duck seems like it’s going to kill someone. Don’t look it in the eye.

79. A clown cake is a smash at any kid’s birthday party.

Hey, I didn’t know they had a cake of Pennywise the Clown. I’m sure Stephen King’s It fans would love to see this.

80. I see this is a cake for Gandalf’s birthday party.

Well, he is incredibly old on Middle Earth. So it’s possible the wizard is 13,000 years old. And yes, they do celebrate birthdays there.

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree at the Ugly Sweater Party (Fourth Edition)

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A perennial favorite on my blog during the holidays seems to be my ugly Christmas sweater posts. Of course, back in the day to receive one of these as a gift was a monumental embarrassment. Today, you’ll find plenty of people putting on these tacky apparel for Christmas parties. And sometimes the tackier the better. For instance, take what I’m wearing above. The sweater and the headband are actually my mom’s which she wore for a Christmas party at work. Because I don’t really have anything this tacky in my closet. And today, I’ll surely bring you more since you’ll find plenty on Pinterest or any online search. So for your reading pleasure today, I give you another assortment of spectacular ugly Christmas sweaters. Enjoy. By the way, some of these might not be safe for work.

  1. A holiday sweater like this makes you a favorite customer at Starbucks.

Funny, that the cup isn’t red. Perhaps someone didn’t want to piss off conservatives.

2. A Christmas tree sweater should have all kinds of bows.

Well, it kind of looks more like a dress. But you have to love the large star on it.

3. How about a mounted reindeer with lights?

This is kind of sick. But to be honest, it’s kind of hilarious. Don’t worry, the deer head is plush.

4. For Christmas south of the border, I suppose this poncho will do.

Sure it might fall under cultural appropriation. But since it’s a tacky rendition of “Feliz Navidad,” I’ll take it.

5. Hipsters might adore this reindeer top.

Because a sweater with anything else is so mainstream. And yes, you have the hipster glasses near the red nose.

6. As we all know, you can’t resist the presents under the tree.

Oh, she’s supposed to be dressed as the tree cover. Though that’s an awfully small tree on her head.

7. As we all know, Santa can’t be Santa without his long white beard.

Well, this Santa has a pretty long beard akin to Albus Dumbledore. Though you normally don’t see Santas with that kind of facial hair.

8. With this sweater, you’re always Walken in the winter wonderland.

And yes, this depicts Christopher Walken. You know him from hit movies and his distinctive voice.

9. Instead of a Christmas sweater, how about go with a Christmas skirt?

Okay, this is more cute than ugly. But still, it kind of counts since it’s in a similar style.

10. “Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you drive my sleigh tonight?”

As you can see, this sweater lights up. And yes, so does Rudolph’s nose.

11. “Fra-geel-lay. Must be Italian.”

After all, you can’t have an ugly Christmas sweater post without including one with the leg lamp. A tacky Christmas decoration that you’d ever see.

12. A mantle at the fireplace and a deer head are always great for couples.

Yes, it looks like someone killed Rudolph. But think how well it goes with the stockings hung at the fireplace.

13. Frosty can always make a great drinking buddy during the holidays.

Yes, that’s Frosty the Snowman with a beer can. And yes, he’s becoming a bad influence to children.

14. You’ll always need a warm fire when the stockings are hung by the chimney with care.

Another couple’s idea, apparently. Though the woman can wear hers all year long. The guy, not so much.

15. No Christmas sweater can do without some fuzzy fur trim.

Well, it has feathers on the cuffs and bottom. But it includes a hood with all kinds of tacky trimmings.

16. A Christmas vest should always include some tinsel.

Comes with matching candy canes, snowflakes, and green bows. Perfect for any Christmas party.

17. Seems like Grandma got run over by a reindeer.

Don’t worry, she’s fine. Just had to spend some time in the hospital. But the tracks are nonetheless permanent.

18. Apparently, the Abominable Snowman can spit out candy.

Okay, maybe not. But this is nevertheless hilarious, especially if you add tinsel.

19. Now your Christmas sweater can have its own snow globe.

Okay, this is in plastic. But it will certainly be a hit at any Christmas party you go to.

20. Seems like the deer like to frolic during the holiday season.

Okay, they’re just humping each other. So best not to wear this one in front of the kids.

21. For a more refined occasion, you might want to wear this evening gown.

Yes, this is an ugly Christmas dress. Not something you’d wear to a fancy dress ball. But perfect for an office party, sort of.

22. A Christmas suit is great for all yuletide occasions.

I see the guy wearing the Santa hat with his tacky suit. Sure it’s ridiculous but fun.

23. A sweater like this will make you a darling at any office bash.

Even has the words “Ugly” on it. Also includes plenty of pom poms and tinsel.

24. A present dress should always include a bow and tinsel.

All these ladies wear large red bows for their outfits. And yes, gift bows are a great way to decorate anything.

25. If you like A Christmas Story, than this is the holiday sweater for you.

Consists of Ralphie in his pink bunny outfit and the leg lamp. And all in felt, too.

26. Of course, no Christmas can be without a couple of ball ornaments.

Okay, this guy’s sweater is kind of risqué. Definitely not to be worn around children.

27. No ugly sweater can ever have too much tinsel.

Actually, you can’t have too much of anything on these sweaters. But she certainly rocks in her tinsel top with silver snowflakes.

28. As Santa says, “Ho, ho, ho.”

Though that phrase can also be used as an inside joke. But I like how the Santas are positioned here. So clever.

29. Sometimes a sweater can use a little bit of everything.

This one has a snowman with tinsel, garlands, bows, jingles, and baubles. Certainly stands out among many.

30. Nothing makes Christmas than some holiday Whoville fashions.

These girls even have the Who hair. Nevertheless, perfect for any day out in Whoville.

31. Green feathers always go well with any candy cane striped shirt.

This one even lights up as you can see. Though I’d more anticipate more decor relating to the Grinch on this.

32. A sweater like this is perfect for any family Christmas.

Though you wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with the Griswolds. Or anywhere near them for that matter.

33. You can always add more to any Christmas sweater.

His even has a deer in a stocking along with lights. But he doesn’t have a care in the world.

34. Perhaps a more layered look may suit your fancy.

This get up is essentially covered in bows. Yet, it has plenty of other stuff on it, too.

35. A Christmas dress can be just as snazzy.

This one has a tree on the skirt and bows on the top. All on black velvet, apparently.

36. Indeed, the North Pole elves have their own kind of entertainment.

This one has Barbie on a stripper pole as the elves shower her with cash. Ho, ho, ho indeed.

37. A cardigan can always use some tinsel and tulle.

But don’t forget to put on a few decorations as well. Certainly flashy for any festive occasion.

38. Guess you have an idea on what she has in her stocking.

Though looking at her you can’t help but be amazed on how she fit an entire bottle in her stocking. Nevertheless, this is pretty funny.

39. I’m sure you can have plenty of jingling on this sweater.

Includes spring tits, lights, and bells on the nipples. So you’d better not wear it in front of your family.

40. Christmas heels should come with a snowflake or two.

Well, these are red heels covered with green glitter, too. The snowflake is the finishing touch.

41. A Christmas sweater can come in all sizes.

And I see a couple of these are child size. But all certainly have their own bows for the tree.

42. Perhaps you might want your holiday sweater gift wrapped.

Though this one has a gold bow on it. Though the wrapping is in blue, red, and green.

43. You can make your own reindeer with a simple sock.

Well, that’s kind of ingenious. The antlers are quite charming as well.

44. A festive sweater should always jingle.

And if you live in Whoville, then this is the perfect Christmas sweater for you. Should go great with Cindy Lou Who hair.

45. May your Christmas crash and Bern.

But in a good way, since this has Bernie Sanders. Yes, I like his ideas. But I don’t think he would’ve won.

46. A green holiday suit always makes you a hit outdoors.

Yes, it’s certainly tacky indeed. Guaranteed to make people’s eyes sour with all the trimmings.

47. Seems like rocking in his yuletide get up.

Yes, that vest is certainly ugly. But those pants are just atrocious.

48. How many of those bears could you fit in that stocking?

The title on this one reads, “It’s a sad day for the bears.” Not sure exactly what that means per se.

49. There’s nothing more badass than Santa fighting a shark.

And yes, Santa really gives the shark a punch. Though Santa’s not known to be buff at all. In fact, on the contrary.

50. For Breaking Bad fans dreaming of a White Christmas, look no further.

Though to be fair, Walter White isn’t the kind of guy you’d want to spend Christmas with. Mostly because he’s freaking insane.

51. I call this one, “The Pizza Lover’s Deluxe.”

Because nothing brings cheer during the holidays than the great taste of pizza. Okay, maybe not. But this is pretty funny.

52. I’m sure this guy will eventually shoot his eye out.

It depicts the BB gun Ralphie wanted for Christmas. And yes, he does hurt himself using it.

53. Apparently, Santa might need a new belt or suspenders.

Since you can see his butt crack. Hopefully, nobody but the reindeer saw that. I hope.

54. I give you the Human Santapede.

Get it? Because it’s a human centipede and it’s for Christmas. Yeah, I know it’s disgusting.

55. You’d find this sweater delightfully Grinchy.

This one has bows on the sleeves as well as a plush Grinch in the center. And yes, there’s some tinsel for the trim.

56. After all, everyone loves a plush reindeer.

Well, it more or less resembles a moose with a wreath. But this woman’s not complaining.

57. How about a Christmas sweater for two?

This one is a naughty and nice shirt for couples. Though I wouldn’t want to have this kind of closeness at a holiday party. Think outfits should be separate.

58. If you’re a stoner, this holiday sweater may be for you.

It’s a pot gingerbread shirt. An unsurprisingly, it contains rose of gingerbread.

59. Care to look inside the windows.

Well, it certainly gives you a nice view. Seems like this sweater has a little bit of everything here.

60. I suppose a yeti is perfect for any white Christmas.

Though a yeti lives in the Himalayas where many of the people don’t. Still, this is pretty clever.

Not So Great Tidings of Not Much Comfort and Joy Christmas Gift List (Third Edition)

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Now we come to the major retailers’ reason for the season, presents. Since it’s in the presents that all the incessant Christmas shopping and advertising is all about. So much so that you find companies advertising as early as October and stores decking the halls as early as November. Yet, looking for the perfect gift for that special someone during the holidays could be a challenge (unless those recipients are children). This is especially if they don’t tell you what they want outright or if you barely know the person. And don’t get me started for those who have to buy a Secret Santa gift where it’s basically one size fits all. However, there are plenty of gifts you most definitely shouldn’t give your loved ones and that’s where I come in. And let’s just say you find plenty of terrible gift ideas on the internet if you know where to look. Nevertheless, the bad gift ideas I look for aren’t the traditional ones like neckties, bathroom scales, or candles. But rather stuff that you’d best avoid unless you’re buying for someone you don’t like. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of holiday gift ideas you best not abide. By the way, some of these might not be safe for work.

  1. Wondermade Bourbon Marshmallows

Now you can have marshmallows that taste like booze. Why anyone would want that, I have no idea.

2. Desktop Basketball

Shoot hoops at the office with this fun desk game. All fun and games until the ball hits Jeff from accounting.

3. “I Am Not a Paper Cup…” Porcelain Cup

Here’s the perfect coffee cup for those who enjoy coffee and abhors cardboard. Comes with a silicon lid.

4. Reliance Luggable Loo