Make a Wish and Blow Out the Candles with These Birthday Party Cakes (Sixth Edition)

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On January 13 this year I will turn 30 which makes me a bit on edge. On one hand, I get presents and have a special day all about me. On the other hand, I feel like I haven’t accomplished much as I should by this point in my life. Anyway, I decided to dedicate it the way I usually do with a bad birthday cake post featuring some really terrible disasters from Cake Wrecks. Now when you go to a bakery, you expect that everything is made to your specification. But since we have sites like Cake Wrecks, this doesn’t always go that way. Since the cake decorators aren’t going to be from some prestigious cake decorating academy. And some don’t even know how to follow directions. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of birthday cakes gone wrong.

  1.  There’s something wrong with the girl’s hand.
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Because the thumbs look quite different. Also, that doesn’t look like a 6-year-old girl to me for some reason.

2. When they draw a tooth, you draw a tooth.

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Don’t just write it in multi-colored icing. But did the cake decorator listen? No.

3. When you have a cupcake cake, put the phrases in different bubbles.

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Because if you write across, the saying may look like this. And let’s just say, it’s kind of off so to speak.

4. It’s supposed to say, “When you’re 64.”

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But instead it says, “un.” Yeah, that doesn’t make sense the least bit.

5. A clown cake is always great for a kid’s party.

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Okay, more appropriate for a kid’s Halloween party. Also, does that clown look dead to you? Seriously, it’s creepy.

6. Well, he got a big 2.

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Yet, it’s on top of some green icing. Nobody knows what it says to this day.

7. Yes, it’s someone’s birthday all right.

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Though I don’t know what the hell this figure’s doing on here. Is there a Sesame Street muppet I don’t know about?

8. Apparently, this family doesn’t make gender an issue.

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Okay, we know Jeff is a boy. The icing is in blue. Also, Jeff is a boy’s name. Seriously, I have 2 uncles by that name.

9. Feel free to customize this birthday cake.

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Uh, isn’t that supposed to be the bakery’s job? Don’t they have a special design program for that? Just asking because I know they put photos on cakes somehow.

10. No girl is ever too old to be a Disney princess.

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But 70 is kind of pushing it. Then again, it her birthday. She can have any cake she wants. If she wants Cinderella, fine.

11. Happy Birthday to a special boy.

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That basically all it says. Because we don’t really know the guy’s name.

12. Hope you enjoy your Birthcay, whoever you are.

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Yeah, “Birthday” is mispelled. Despite that spelling it isn’t that hard. Wonder why that is.

13. Apparently, bakeries don’t have spell check.

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“Birthday” is definitely spelled wrong. Yet, what is that name below? Kathy W or Natty W?

14. How do you say “Happy Birthday” in 3 languages?

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And apparently, this bakery doesn’t know any but English. Though they wrote the instructions.

15. Everyone seems to like bees nowadays.

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Oh my God, what the hell is that thing? Seriously, that looks more like a demon with bee stripes? And no, I’m not calling it Sting.

16. Mickey Mouse is always good for a baby’s first birthday cake.

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But this Mickey seems rather skeevy for some reason. Seriously, I don’t like the look in his eyes like he’s out for trouble.

17. Does this cake decorator have any idea about spacing?

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Seriously, the words are all together. Also, who the hell named their kid Prudy in the 1980s and 1990s?

18. Kung Fu Panda fans might enjoy this Po cake.

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Though this one doesn’t look anywhere near finished. Or part of the design ripped off. Either way, looks rather sad.

19. Perhaps anyone would like this 40th birthday cake.

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Make sure the words are in purple icing. As the cake says here.

20. Make sure you have “Happy Birthday” on both of these.

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Well, they delivered. But someone took the instructors way too literally.

21. Someone wanted a 1960’s hippie party theme.

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And what better than to have it on generic fruit cake. No tie dye, peace signs, or psychedelic patterns whatsoever.

22. Guess this is Zack’s “Birday.”

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Yes, “Birthday” is mispelled again. Not sure why this keeps happening. Seriously, all bakeries should have spell-check.

23. Put on the “Happy Birthday Victory Song.”

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Apparently, this cake decoraor doesn’t know it. Despite the fact I’ve heard it my whole life. Also “Birthday” is misspelled.

24. Hope Kelley enjoys this cake.

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Okay it’s supposed to be Kelli? And I don’t think it’s supposed to include an eye. Yeah, someone messed up here.

25. A plain grass cake will always do.

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Then again, this seems more like an abandoned pavement theme. Why anyone would want that, I don’t know.

26. Happy Birthday to one red hot mama.

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Okay, you don’t use the “th” when doing 21. Also, being a mom at 21 isn’t a thing to aspire to, no matter how sexy. God, this is disturbing.

27. I guess someone wanted a maritime themed cake.

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Instead, Mark got a garden carrot cake. Hope he doesn’t throw a tantrum. But at least the sea is written in.

28. A dino cake is perfect for a 1-year-old boy.

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But dino apocalypse cake, not so much. Seriously, these dinos can go extinct at any moment. The foliage already has died.

29. Someone’s turning 30.

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Yet, the 3 is on backwards. How is that possible? Seriously, does someone not know how numbers are written?

30. This ghosts wishes you a scary happy birthday.

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What’s that ghost holding? Is that shit? Is the ghost covered in shit? God, that’s disgusting.

31. Leshia wanted a Frozen cake.

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Okay, this cake was written sideways. So instead of a winter scene with a tree, it’s basically a winter scene revolving on a shit puddle. Given how the branches seem to resemble the stench.

32. You might like this Cars 1st birthday cake.

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But this one has too many car rings. Seriously, you can space them out more.

33. Is this supposed to be a boob cake?

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For one, the decorated doesn’t know how to draw a bra as you can see? Also, this is a very inappropriate cake for a 10-year-old girl.

34. Your Irish mom deserves a shamrock cake.

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And I don’t think this is a shamrock. Seriously, what the hell is that?

35. Don’t forget to add a clown hat.

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As this cake specifies. But the words in parentheses make that very clear.

36. Make sure you have the letters in the right color.

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Yes, it’s supposed to say, “Happy Birthday Tristan.” But in yellow. It’s written in black icing.

37. Some people might prefer a duck cake.

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And yes, the inscription is in purple icing. And yes, it’s as instructed.

38. Seems like Steven’s turning 4.

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But you wouldn’t know it from how is name’s spelled. Let’s hope he doesn’t know how to read. Oh wait, he might.

39. Perhaps a Barney cake could cheer you up.

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Okay, that doesn’t look like Barney. Just a giant purple lizard, which may not be a bad thing.

40. Golden Girls fans might enjoy this cake.

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Who the hell are these ladies? Because they sure as hell don’t look like Golden Girls. Seriously, what the hell?

41. Apparently, someone doesn’t know how to draw a playing card.

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To be fair, they asked for a King of Hearts card as it’s written. But that’s not what they got.

42. Don’t put candles on this cake.

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But did they really have to write it on there. Seriously, kind of creates an awkward situation with the customer.

43. “40 Begians forever getting.”

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Not sure what that means. Because it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

44. Teen girls back in the 2000’s would love a Twilight cake.

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Uh, Twilight’s not anime. Seriously, I don’t care for Twilight and even I know this.

45. Got to have a nice cake for one’s “Bathday.”

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Yes, that’s another misspelling of “Birthday.” Because bath days aren’t really that special for a cake.

46. Any little kid would adore a cake of Cookie Monster.

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Okay, this one is freaky. Seriously, that looks nothing like Cookie Monster. More like Grover with rabies.

47. A-Rod’s cookie cake is a pizza.

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Not that A-Rod. Still, a pepperoni pizza it does not resemble in the least. The red icing bits aren’t flat circles.

48. A lot of kids love a Minecraft cake.

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Not that A-Rod. Still, a pepperoni pizza it does not resemble in the least. The red icing bits aren’t flat circles.

49. A girl hunter might prefer a pink camo cake.

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Seems like someone didn’t know how to put them together. Hope my neighbors’ granddaughter never gets one like this.

50. You can see how many little girls want an Elsa birthday cake.

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Though I really don’t care for hat hair. Seriously, Elsa’s hair looks like it’s made from Cool-Whip. Doesn’t look good.

51. After 60, it all goes downhill.

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Yes, someone wrote that inscription while that cake’s upside down. So that’s why the balloons look like that.

52. A minion cake on the beach might be great for a kid’s party.

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Still, the beach the seems to have a rather phallic disposition. Hope the parents can get a laugh out of that.

53. A first birthday cake should always be simple.

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Yet, the balloons apparently resemble sperm. Sure it’s for a boy, but it’s pretty inappropriate.

54. Apparently, placement is the key.

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Okay, maybe not. But the cake can use some spell check. Also, it’s in pink icing.

55. Seems like you can find a birthday cake of Jabba the Hutt.

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Uh, Jabba doesn’t look like that. He’s much more disgusting. Also, can we rather have a cake where Leia strangles him with a chain? Since that’s far more satisfying.

56. Kids might enjoy a cake of SpongeBob SquarePants.

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What are those white cactus creatures doing here? Are they ghosts? Is SpongeBob’s ocean haunted? Oh, wait, this used to be a Halloween cake.

57. I guess this kid gets beat up in school all the time.

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I’m sure the kid’s name is Peter. But I hope this cake wasn’t for a kiddie party. Because he’ll never live it down.

58. I wonder who Sticks is.

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I’m they wanted “Happy Birthday” sticks on the cupcakes. But they got this instead for some reason.

59. All right, who’s Jocklyn?

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I’m sure it’s supposed to be “Jocelyn” or “Jacklyn.” Apparently, this decorator didn’t know which name to use. So we get this.

60. Always wish the birthday girl happiness.

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Yet, this one says, “Ha’ penis.” Let’s hope she’s not a lesbian for obvious reasons.

61. Kerri wanted a Mercedes cake.

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Well, this doesn’t resemble the logo. More like an unfinished peace sign. Yeah, you have to have the slices be all equal and in silver.

62. Hello Kitty is always a popular choice.

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But this more or less resembles a melted snowman with spray paint. Not the Japanese cartoon icon.

63. Donald thinks dragons are cool.

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This dragon looks pretty lame since it doesn’t dazzle with ferocity. More like a snake with spikes.

64. Of course, people can sometimes forget your birthday.

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Guess this is a workplace. Still, did anyone have to rub it in their face that nobody cared about their birthday? Seems kind of mean-spirited.

65. Kind of a frilly birthday cake for a guy named Bob.

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Actually, it’s supposed to say, “Mom.” Yeah, someone really screwed up here.

66. So how old is Dad supposed to be?

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Because I don’t think he’s 10. Unless the people buying this cake are his pets or toys. Seriously, why?

67. Ranger Bud Yee Haw has a thing for flowers.

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Actually that’s a leftover Easter cake made into a birthday one. But the inscription is kind of hilarious. Also, this was supposed to be cowboy-themed.

68. Got to know where to put the words.

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You can see words, “On the top” and “Below.” Kind of ruins the effect, doesn’t it?

69. This Flash themed cake is rather minimalistic.

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This one has a lightning bolt slicing the name Connor. Nothing else.

70. Perhaps a young girl would like a butterfly cake.

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Okay, the butterfly body resembles a turd. Let’s hope the little birthday girl doesn’t notice.

71. Nothing like a cake celebrating your legal eligibility.

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Actually the age of consent is 18. Still, this kind of gives a rather disturbing vibe. Seriously, what the fuck?

72. Arthur wanted a Mercedes Benz cake for his birthday.

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Now this is the kind of 60’s hippie party cake I’m talking about. Okay, the logos don’t quite look like peace signs. Yet, it’s probably not what this guy wanted.

73. Someone wanted a My Little Pony cake.

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And they didn’t get what they wanted. Since this cake just says, “My Little Pony.”

74. How about a birthday cake text exchange?

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Seriously, is this really necessary? What if it says anything embarrassing?

75. Any boy would love an Avengers birthday cake.

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What are Iron Man and Captain America doing with Jes- wait, that’s supposed to be Thor? Still, it looks like something a kid would draw.

76. How about a Batman cake?

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This one features a sad Batman with a weight problem. His hands are unusually large for his arms as well.

77. Best birthday wishes to Alex.

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Not sure what this is supposed to be. But it resembles a turd floating in the ocean.

78. Any girl would enjoy a unicorn cake.

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Yes, one with a long, stiff, and erect horn. Okay, the horn just seems rather phallic for some reason. Like it can double as a dildo.

79. Curt is 8 by the way.

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However, this one doesn’t necessarily say “Curt.” I’m sure the kid will have a lot of questions on that special C-word that’s an insulting slang term for female genitalia.

80. Everyone must love a Star Wars cake.

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Okay, this message isn’t really seem appropriate to a Star Wars fan. Also, the kid’s supposed to be 6. Why?

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree at the Ugly Sweater Party (Sixth Edition)

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Now we get to the ugly Christmas sweaters. What was once the bane of every holiday wardrobe has now become a must-have item for the annual office party. Sure, there may be the traditional fare like Santas, gingerbread men, wreaths, reindeer, Christmas trees, and more. But you’d also see plenty of pop culture stuff and other things. You might see ones for Star Wars, Star Trek, TV shows, movies, and some weird things like sloths, unicorns, and tacos. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of ugly Christmas sweaters. Some may not be safe for work or your family during the holidays. Enjoy.

  1. Go ahead, put that tongue on the flag pole.
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But you’ll have to call 911 if your tongue sticks on a snowy day. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

2. This Christmas, just let it dough with the Pillsbury Doughboy.

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Great to wear when making Christmas cookies. Like the row of croissants.

3. You’d be all lit for Christmas in this sweater.

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Though I’m sure it comes with a battery pack. Santa and Frosty seem to delight in it.

4. Drink up this holiday season.

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This sweater states, “Shut Up and Drink” in gold tinsel. And yes, there’s a beer can in holly.

5. “Fra-jee–lay. Must be Italian.”

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This is a leg lamp sweater. And yes, there are leg lamps from top to bottom. Hilarious.

6. Don’t be a grumpy cat this Christmas.

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Okay, this isn’t Grumpy Cat. But the cat doesn’t seem enthusiastic in a Santa hat.

7. Even sharks can get into the holiday spirit.

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Though I doubt they’d wear sweaters under the sea. One even has a present in its mouth.

8. Someone’s got blue balls this year.

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Well, frosty balls, anyway. Still, guys, please don’t wear this in front of your relatives.

9. Santa’s shown his crack.

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And it seems like he’s wearing a thong while leaving presents. Seriously, shouldn’t he wear something more comfortable? Spending that night sitting on his sleigh must make him sore.

10. This guy’s all decked for the holidays.

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If you don’t have a tree in your office, you can have Gary wear this sweater. And yes, it’s mostly in green tinsel with ornaments.

11. Are all these black cats looking at me?

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This sweater has all of them wearing Santa hats. Perfect for your local crazy cat lady.

12. Apparently, Santa’s a rather horny man.

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Okay, considering it’s a black Santa saying “Hoes, Hoes, Hoes,” there’s some terrible racial stereotyping. Also kind of looks pretty pervy if you ask me.

13. The Scranton Dunder Mifflin office doesn’t always hold the best parties.

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This is from The Office. Michael wears a Santa hat. Dwight wears an elf one behind the Christmas tree.

14. Substitute Teacher’s not messing around.

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He’s from Key & Peele. He’s an inner city school teacher at a white school who mispronounces his students’ names. It’s funny.

15. This guy’s up for any reindeer action.

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Except that reindeer don’t have horns. They have antlers that fall off after mating season. At least along the males.

16. Nike even has ugly Christmas sneakers.

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Normal tennis shoes are a must have. Ugly Christmas tennis shoes are a waste of money. Since you only wear them once a year.

17. May your Christmas be merry and Dwight.

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And yes, I mean Dwight from The Office. Beware of beet presents and bears at Schrute Farms.

18. Even dogs can enjoy the ugly Christmas sweater trend.

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The dog wears a reindeer one with glasses. And no it doesn’t seem happy about it at all.

19. The Abominable Snowman holds up the mistletoe.

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Wonder what kind of abominable snow lady’s he’s looking to kiss under it. Might want to try Nepal.

20. Those into slasher horror will want this sweater for the holidays.

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Sure, they don’t have much to do with Christmas. Includes Freddie, Jason, Mike Myers, and Leatherface.

21. Perhaps you can decorate your own holiday sweater.

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This one depicts snow, lights, and snowflakes with stuff you find at a craft store. Not sure if the sweater’s home made though.

22. Get lit wearing this Christmas tree shirt.

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And yes, this one really lights up. Comes with candy cane striped sleeves, too.

23. Make your holidays a colorful rainbow spectacle.

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Features a rainbow Christmas tree in shiny beads. Love the golden star on top.

24. A shiny penguin sweater will certainly suit you.

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Well, the penguin’s wearing a Christmas tree tie. Decorated with fake poinsettias, ribbons, and tinsel.

25. Perhaps you’d like a Krampus Christmas sweater.

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The Krampus is plush. And he appears rather phallic. So better not wear it in front of the kids.

26. You can be a bit sloth this holiday season.

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Well, this is a sloth ugly Christmas sweater. Because sloths are cute with their eyes and sharp claws. This one wears a Santa hat.

27. Care to wear a little black dress?

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This sweater dress is decorated with silver bows and tinsel on the cuffs and skirt. Snazzy isn’t it?

28. Green feathers always make a Christmas sweater haute couture.

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Kind of makes her seem like the height of fashion. If she lived in Whoville.

29. Christmas Grizzly always knows how to party.

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Because he knows when you need a cold one. Also, he’s supposed to be hibernating.

30. John Calvin doesn’t care much for Christmas.

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Ironic he’s even on a sweater. Because didn’t he not celebrate it? After all, the Puritans didn’t and they were certainly influenced by his ideas.

31. Feel free to don an ugly Christmas skirt this holiday season.

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After all, these ladies did. 2 have winter scenes. One has Santas.

32. Always got to dedicate Christmas to the birthday boy.

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Here this ugly Christmas sweater features Jesus Christ, our Lord. Of course, you don’t want to know what his Easter sweater looks like. Also, he wasn’t treated better than Donald Trump.

33. Are you on the Nice List or the Naught List?

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By the way, if you take green, you’re nice. If you take red, you’re naughty.

34. Yes, they have Christmas sweaters for couples.

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These two have Christmas sweaters with each other’s pictures on them. Isn’t that sweet?

35. Ho, ho, ho, DJ Santa’s in the house.

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Okay, I might want to leave the party right now. I can’t stand Christmas music. Seriously.

36. Tis the season for outlandish tackiness.

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The guy here wears an atrocious elf costume. The woman wears a Christmas tree sweater dress. Not sure who’s tackier.

37. This Christmas, there’s something you must know.

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This is based off a conspiracy theory questioning Jeffrey Epstein’s suicide. Still, the guy was a heinous sex criminal who deserved what he got. So can’t we appreciate that he’s dead?

38. It wouldn’t be Christmas without the Wet Bandits.

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Yes, they’re terrible criminals who you wouldn’t want lurking around your house. But after what Kevin McAllister does to them, I’m not sure whether to root for their doom or pity them.

39. Look, Santa Claus came in on his sleigh.

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Well, he’s dressed as Santa. And his sleigh’s featured on his Christmas sweater. Kind of crazy isn’t it?

40. Don’t forget to put on a pair of ugly Christmas heels.

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Decorated with bows, gold tinsel, and bells. May jingle when you walk in them.

41. Everyone wants a Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich Christmas sweater this holiday season.

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The Popeye’s chicken sandwich was a hot menu item this year. So much that many restaurants faced mass panic as soon as they ran out.

42. Bugs really don’t like this time of year.

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Because it’s cold and many of them freeze and die. But they’ll come back in the spring. I guarantee it.

43. You might want to wear this hat to go with that leg lamp sweater.

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Says, “Fragile” meant to denote the package’s contents. Or Donald Trump’s ego.

44. Who ya gonna call this Christmas?

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This one features the Ghostbusters logo in a standard Christmas wreath. like the rows of decor. So funny.

45. Look out, Trump Grinch is out to steal…..well, everything.

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Says that his hands and heart were 2 sizes too small. You might say the same about his penis and capacity for humanity.

46. Forget reindeer. Santa’s got his sleigh pulled by pterodactyl.

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Sure it may seem cool. But remember those prehistoric flyers have been extinct for around 65 million years. Sorry, kid.

47. She’s not a player. She just gets crushes a lot.

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She means while she lusts in her heart, she doesn’t pursue other men. At least when at least one of them isn’t single.

48. Christmas sweater for 4?

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I’m sure they’re wearing stuff underneath. Since you want your hands free and not be around the same 3 people all the time. So this is just for the photo op.

49. Someone’s dreaming of a Dwight Christmas.

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Still, would you want Dwight to be at your Christmas party? Probably not since he’s really weird.

50. Let me introduce you to Frosty’s alcoholic cousin.

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He’s Frothy the Snowman. A magical snowman with a penchant for beer.

51. Seek Yoda Claus, you do.

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Wears Santa hat and robe he does. Carries candy cane everywhere, he does. Go all over you in a lightsaber duel, he will.

52. Don’t forget to get dressed in your best Christmas suit.

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And this is certainly not one you’d wear for church. Seriously, people will get eye problems looking at it.

53. Let it glow with this reindeer.

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He’s even wearing sunglasses and a matching sweater, too. Like the lights on his antlers though.

54. This Christmas, Santa sleighs the zombies.

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Because zombie elves are no match for the big man in the red suit. Do your worst, you brain-eating undead corpses.

55. With Donald Trump, Christmas trees are fake.

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Still, even if artificial, this Christmas tree’s more real than Donald Trump’s business and political successes ever will be. At least the impeachment will stick on him for the rest of his life.

56. “Spank me, Santa! Spank me hard!”

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Yeah, I know it’s dirty. But there are some people into it. Still, don’t wear this sweater at the family Christmas gathering.

57. Ever see Santa ride a shark before?

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Probably not. But you’d never think Santa could hold a trident or breathe underwater either.

58. Work for Dunder Mifflin? You might want this sweater.

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It’s the paper company from The Office. There’s even paper clips on here.

59. Didn’t think Santa knew how to dunk.

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Here he plays some ball with Rudolph and an elf. And why’s the elf on a basketball team. He’s obviously too short.

60. Yes, there’s a short version for that suit.

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Don’t know why anyone would wear one. Since it looks utterly ridiculous if you ask me.

 

Not So Great Tidings of Not Much Comfort and Joy Christmas Gift List (Fifth Edition)

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Now we get to the reason of the season. No we’re not talking about Jesus though that’s what Christmas should be about since it’s supposed to be his birthday. No, I’m talking about the reason why Christmas has become a commercialized palooza we know today. It’s because we give each other presents. And the fact we exchange gifts leads to corporate cash grabs and Christmas sales. Still, even though you’ll find plenty of gifts to shop for, there are some you must avoid at all times like cars, pets, anything on an installment plan the recipient has to pay for, ties for men, body lotion for women, and other that belong on this post. Since some of them might seem like an insult to the recipient. Or ones that seem like the giver didn’t know what to buy. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of terrible Christmas gifts. Some of these may not be safe for work. Enjoy.

  1. Feet slippers
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For when you’re dressed as a hobbit at a Lord of the Rings convention. Other than that I’m not sure what else.

2. Plant Urinal

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If you need to relieve yourself and can’t get to the bathroom in time during a drunken party. Okay, it’s actually a prank pack.

3. Renpho Body Fat Scale and App.

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Because nothing says you really need to lose a few and monitor your weight at all times like a smart scale. Perhaps the most expensive smart device your loved one will throw out a window.

4. Mats and Enzo How to Poo on a Date

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Seriously, why does a book like this exist? For God’s sake, if you need to shit, you can just use a public toilet at a restaurant.

5. Pooping Pooches 2020 Calendar

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Why go with a boring dog calendar when you can get one featuring dogs taking a shit? After all, dogs poop out in the open without shame, anyway.

6. Plush Pizza Slice

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Yes, everyone likes pizza. But most people prefer to eat with it than cuddle with it on the couch.

7. Smart Mini Drone

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Actually this might be a good gift to the recipient. But it’ll be hell on earth for the neighbors. Still, it’s available in splashy colors.

8. My Daily Cup of Employee Tears

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The kind of gift you give your boss that says “I hate you.” But in a rather subtle fashion that doesn’t get you fired.

9. Men’s Chest Hair Ugly Christmas Sweatshirt

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Has some decorations as well. If you receive this, please don’t wear it during a Christmas party. Or like ever.

10. Baby Shield

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Protects parents from their baby’s pee while changing its diaper. Unfortunately, it’s a prank pack. Sorry, new parents.

11. Cockroach Stuffed Animal

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From All Gifts Condsidered: “I know these are just stuffed animal plush pillow, but… ewwwww. A cockroach plush pillow? It’s gross to even look at the photo. Don’t do this to anyone, please. But seriously. It’s bad enough already, but if anyone has ever had to deal with a cockroach infestation, this is like snuggling with a nightmare.”

12. Disgusting Feet Flip Flops

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Okay, I get why you’d buy it as a prank. But the feet here are utterly disgusting. Seriously, why?

13. Midland Headphone Muffs

14. Fanny Bank

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It’s a piggy bank with a butt crack. Nonetheless, the British version is extremely inappropriate for children (because “fanny” means vagina over there).

15. Pinch Provisions Wristband Warrior Fest and Kit

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Because slacktivists also need their toiletries. Can also bring reminders of those good old days when we considered Lance Armstrong a great role model for children.

16. Plush Cigarette

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Since smoking that cancer death stick isn’t enough for you. Who the fuck came up with this noxious idea?

17. Jillian and Michelle Madison Dear Asshole: 101 Tear-Out Letters to the Morons Who Muck Up Your Life

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It’s the kind of gift that says, “you’re having problems controlling your anger. Calm the fuck down already.”

18. Bouncy Bands for Desks

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Got that kid who wouldn’t sit still? This will put them in their place.

19. Bacon Air Freshener

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Want your car to smell like breakfast or attract neighborhood dogs? Here’s the perfect gift for you.

20. Gold Bar Door Stop

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Unfortunately, it’s not made out of real gold. If it was, it would be way worth more than $5.

21. Blowze Tissues

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The tissues come out of the nose. Yes, it’s disgusting.

22. Mo’s Bacon Bar

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It’s a bacon chocolate bar. Please don’t tell me how it tastes like.

23. Emily Post’s Etiquette 19th Edition

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Because nothing says “you’re an asshole with bad social skills” like a book about manners. Seriously, who’d want to get one of these?

24. Mankini

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Just because your boyfriend’s a fan of Borat doesn’t mean you should get him one of these. He’ll either not wear it or embarrass you on your summer trip to the beach.

25. Beardhead

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This crocheted winter gear will make a man warm during the winter. But it’ll also make him look like an idiot.

26. Booze Perfume

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Because who wants to smell like they just walked out of a bar? Not me. Not anyone.

27. Bacon Toothpaste

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Sure your teeth will be clean. But they’ll certainly not smell like it.

28. Cat Muzzle

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For when you want to blind and perhaps suffocate your cat. Probably not approved by the ASPCA.

29. Prosecco Pong

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It’s basically beer pong for high class frat boys. Think a sexual assaulting Brett Kavanaugh during his college days showing his dong.

30. Light Up Ice Cubes

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Think of it as a rave in your water glass. Yes, I know it’s kind of crazy. Like something they’d have at a club Stefon describes.

31. Cremation Urn

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Well, it always helps to plan ahead. But is cremation urn really a great Christmas gift? Absolutely not. This is especially if the recipient is old, sick, or injured.

32. Emergency Underpants

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For the person who has irritable bowel syndrome. But I’m not sure if they’ll appreciate it one bit.

33. Peanut Butter and Jelly Purse

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For when you want to confuse your purse with your lunch. Or is it your lunch with your purse?

34. Ferret Legging Vintage Plaque

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Yes, this is a real sport. But for the love of God, please don’t try it at home. Seriously, don’t.

35. Crack Scratch String

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You mean they have floss for butts? Please you can clean your crack in the shower. In fact, I recommend you do.

36. Nicholas Cage Ornament

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Now you can put Nic Cage on your Christmas tree. Seriously, how much of Nic Cage stuff can you get?

37. Jar of Nothing

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Basically one of the worst gifts you can receive. Love the inscription though. Hilarious.

38. Leg Lamp Mug

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He who receives it will feel proud of himself to the detriment of his family. Until his wife accidentally on purpose breaks it.

39. Truth Serum

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Said to be authentic and to guarantee results. Despite that it’s actually booze and will only guarantee results if the subject drinks enough of it.

40. Bob Ross Boxers

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Quite an interesting take on the late painter and PBS TV host. The “Everybody Needs a Friend” message is quite disturbing.

41. Lobster Claws

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For when you want to hold things without using your fingers. Seriously, why?

42. Fertility Charm

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Either a parent or in-law’s way of saying they want grandkids. Or a way to cheer up a couple experiencing fertility issues. Either way, it’s kind of disturbing.

43. Mini Curbside Trash and Recycling Cans

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These are for office stuff. Pencils and scissors go in trash. Pens in recycle. Probably not something you give someone for Christmas.

44. Moose Oven Mitt

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For baking stuff while in your winter cabin. Still. you might want to go with the female version. At least it doesn’t have antlers.

45. My Side/Your Side Pillows

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For the person who wants to set the sleeping arrangements straight. Wonder if my dad would want this but my mom wouldn’t let him.

46. Nicholas Cage T-Shirt

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Yes, this shirt has Nic Cage’s face on it. Yes, it’s creepy as hell. I don’t understand the craze behind such disturbing merchandise.

47. Salami Notes

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Called, “The Gourmet Memos” these are post-its of salami slices. Even has a net you can put it in.

48. Penguin Corkscrew

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For when you’re ready for a cold one. But it’s very hard to open it. Not great for romantic candlelight dinners.

49. Personal Branding Iron

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Now you can brand your stuff with your own initials. Heat these and try them on your pets. I dare you the won’t take it well.

50. Pick Your Nose Dixie Cups

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These ones have noses on them. Yeah, I know it’s rather strange. Makes a great party and drinking game though.

51. Potty Fisher

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For when you want to practice your flies when you’re on the shitter. Of course, the fish aren’t real.

52. Putter Cup Golf Mug

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For practicing putting when you’re at the office. This makes the potty golf products seem less lame in comparison.

53. Scooter Suitcase

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For the scooter traveler. Though I don’t know anyone who travels by scooter since it’s not a very reliable mode of long distance transportation.

54. Liquid Ass Fart Prank

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Because nothing says friendship like a smelly, embarrassing prank. Though you’re more likely to use it on your enemies.

55. Money Tree

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It’s supposed to bring you good fortune. But I don’t think it does shit.

56. Men’s Christmas Custom Face on Boxer Shorts

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Now you can put your lady love on your Christmas boxers. Not sure if the lady love should be flattered or confused.

57. Personalize Pillow

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Now you can have your own picture on a pillow. Seems like the only thing that a narcissist like Donald Trump would love and not be creeped out by it.

58. Crapping Cats 2020 Calendar

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Yes, that’s a calendar of cats crapping. This one’s not even going in the litter box.

59. Ball Buffer

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For men need to take care of their, um naughty bits. Still, guys, if your girlfriend gives you these, you might need to wash them.

60. Do-It-Yourself Vascetomy

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Actually this is a prank pack, So relax, guys. Still, the guy’s expression on this box is priceless.

61. Parking Cards

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Well, this might actually be a great gift for the recipient. But bad for everyone who has to put up with it. Still, it’s pretty funny.

62. Bad Boss Voodoo Doll

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A great way to relieve stress if you have a bad boss. Best recommended for anyone who works for Donald Trump.

63. Donald Trump Toilet Set

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How else will you make your ass and toilet clean again? Great for your Trump supporting Uncle. Or not. You’ll never know.

64. Public Toilet Survival Kit

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Great for the germaphobe in your life. Okay, this is a prank pack but could you imagine Adrian Monk getting one of these?

65. Remote Control Wine Nanny

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Recommended for the alcoholic in your life. And yes, this is a prank pack. The wine looks like an IV stand.

66. Donald Trump Pencil Sharpener

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Notice how you put the pencil up his ass. Though Republican congressmen put their heads inside voluntarily and out of personal self-interest.

67. Pet Swing

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Why should kids have all the fun at the playground? Comes with harness. Okay, this is just a prank.

68. My First Fire

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Because why should little kids be banned from playing with matches? Actually this is a prank pack. But imagine the parents’ faces when their kid gets this thing.

69. American Association of Patriots How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety

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What the fuck is this shit? Seriously, do we really need to talk to our pets about gun safety? Would it be worth it?

70. Needa Hardon 5,000 Dick Pics

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Uh, one dick pic is one too many. Now imagine 5,000 times that. Yeah, you get the picture.

71. Manscaped Perfect Package 2.0 Male Hygiene Kit

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Yes, this is a male hygiene kit for his nether regions. It’s basically the men’s equivalent to receiving body wash and lotion for Christmas.

72. Toilet Tunes Speaker and Sanitizer

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Not only cleans your toilet, but also plays music while you go No. 1 or No. 2. Okay, this is a prank pack. But you’d wish this was real.

73. Hay in the Needle Stack Family Board Game

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For what’s more fun than picking up a pack of needles to get some straw? Of course, this is a prank. They’d never make a board game like this in real life.

74. Starburst Wine Trivet

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For the person you know likes to cook but might have drinking problem. But with enough corks, the trivet makes a handy hot pad.

75. Shitty Gift Box

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Has a few things relating to shit. Most of them seem like hot sauce bottles. Not sure why.

76. Paw Socks

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They’re socks resembling dog paws. Great for the person who’s way too into their dog.

77. Money Soap

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It’s soap with money inside it. Yet, there’s only a dollar so it doesn’t seem worth it.

78. Brown Turd Present

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Of course, the turd’s not real. Yet, makes a great gag gift for friends. Or a form of revenge for enemies.

79. WTF Note Pad

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A form on what went on and what you need. Great for the person who seems to screw up everything.

80. Architech Electronic Smart House

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Kids can build this house and power it up. Still, not sure if it’s necessarily safe for kids to experiment with electricity. $50

81. How to Be a Good Coworker When All You Want to Do is Smash Everyone in the Face: Lined Notebook and Journal

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The kind of gift you give to someone at work who’s got some anger issues. Great for office secret Santa.

82. Home Branding Kit

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Now you can put your personal brand on everything. Okay, this is a prank pack box. So you have nothing to worry about.

83. Paperweight Decision Maker

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For the indecisive person who just can’t make up their minds. So you get them something like this to help them along.

84. Customized Socks

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They’re socks with your pictures on them. Why would anyone do this, I have no idea.

85. Belly Fanny Pack

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From Love to Know: “If your friends or relatives are into the fanny pack look, this can be a nice gift to give. However, you want to make sure that you choose the right kind of fanny pack. Not too many people on your friends list can truly appreciate the belly fanny pack, which retails for about $13. If you are thinking about buying this, just don’t.”

86. Shave and Play Barbie

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She’s a cross between a Barbie and a Sasquatch. And you get to shave all her body hair off from mouth to legs.

87. Turbospoke Bicycle Exhaust System

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Makes a great gift for the motorcycle enthusiast who can’t afford one. So you give them this to compensate.

88. Dog Butt Magnet Set

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From Dodoburd: “This magnet set features an assortment of dog butts, including a fire hydrant so you complete the theme. This would be a funny gift for dog lovers, because you have to take the good with the bad when you love something. Whoever gets stuck with this might say they got the tail end of the deal.”

89. Bread Loaf Slippers

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After all nothing feels softer than bread. Except they’re not actually made from bread. Or made in France.

90. Go Girl Female Urinal Device

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Now I and my fellow women can pee standing up with this funnel thing. Then again, it might not be as practical for indoors as outdoors.

91. Steak, Pizza, and Baguette Cushions

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For when you want to make your living room more like your kitchen. Nonetheless, despite how tasty they look, you can’t eat these.

92. Naughty Knot Lingerie

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It’s lingerie with a thick ribbon bow as a bra. But the underwear is just a few strings attached. And doesn’t look comfortable.

93. Hairy One Piece Swimsuit

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Yes, it’s a women’s one piece of a man’s hairy chest. Try to explain that one to children.

94. Hobbit Slippers

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From Worst Gifts: “But really, what happens when the adventure calls? It happens when you least expect it! So it’s a good thing you’re burning dozens of calories with all this typing you’re doing! If you are looking to feel a little more comfortable on the adventure trail, you need a pair of Hobbit size slippers. They’re not ugly, I mean…. , in any case they’re comfortable. Oh, yes, so comfortable. You will want to stay in your underground home all day and will never venture to steal a dragon’s loot.”

95. Nose Shower Gel Dispenser

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Fill this with green shower gel and you can use the mucus to clean yourself. Ugh, did that come out really gross?

96. Ruth Rehtse The Art of Farting

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Learn how to break wind with this handy guide. But keep your ass far away from the candles.

97. MemeWorks Smug Pepe Frog Pin

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Let’s just say, though Pepe’s a relatively harmless character, he’s become associated with the Alt-Right in recent years. So getting anything with his face on it isn’t a good idea.

98. Assured at Home Marijuana Drug Test

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For the stoner who might’ve smoked too many. Or someone who wants to know whether their dazed loved ones are stoned out of their minds.

99. Wolo 400 Airmite Power Air Horn

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Want to make a grand entrance in traffic? This is for you. Makes a great gift for some asshole drivers who like to announce their presence in a big way. But it’s hell for everyone else.

100. Witty Yetis Dehydrated Water 16 oz. Can

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So how does this work exactly? Because dehydrated water simply can’t exist. Seriously, what the hell is this? A joke?

NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition) (Sixth Edition)

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During the holiday season, it’s become a tradition to introduce kids to the modern surveillance state with the ever nebby Elf on the Shelf. Each year, the Elf down from the North Pole to their designated family home where they watch and report to Santa on the children’s behavior during the days leading up to Christmas. After all, how can Santa know whether a child has been good or bad? However, elves being mere individuals aren’t always up to the most impeccable standards. Sure there are plenty of elves who may be on their best behavior. Yet, many do not and some of their deeds aren’t suited for the eyes of innocent children. So parental responsibility calls that parents report bad elf behavior at 1-800-BAD-ELF1. In the meantime, feel free to look at another assortment of shelf elves behaving badly. Enjoy. By the way, these aren’t safe for work.

  1. Tinker is about to make an incision.
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Apparently, he’s about to give Barbie a boob job. Still, I don’t think this is even legal. Or safe.

2. I don’t like the look of this scene.

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This seems straight out of Silence of the Lambs. Yes, that’s a skeleton hanging with outstretched arms.

3. I’m sure Izzy and Winky aren’t up to any trouble.

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They’re basically doodling on a boy when he’s sleeping. Hope this isn’t a school night.

4. Quinky’s had far too many.

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Here he’s fallen drunk in front of Shrek and Gingy. Still, Quinky better get off the vodka. Maybe join a 12 step.

5. Yinzer’s putting on a donkey show.

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Actually it might have nothing to do with donkeys. And no, I don’t want to see it.

6. At the elf planetarium, you can see Uranus.

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Okay, that’s a rather dirty joke. And no, I don’t want to see an elf’s butt.

7. “Time to die, Ken.”

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Yes, this is another takeoff from Dexter. And yes, it’s somehow a rather popular motif in these R-rated elf photos.

8. It’s never too late to go to the beach.

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Oh, no, Cringle’s with Barbie on the carpet with Don Julio. This won’t end well.

9. Elliot prefers guests go through the back door.

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But he’s also showing his but as if he’s mooning. Look, I really don’t want to know whether he enjoys butt stuff.

10. Jumbo’s made a confession.

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He’s confessing to be a dirty elf. Yet, I don’t know if “Jumbo” is his name or a moniker he chose for himself. If the latter, I know what it implies.

11. To Ningle, chimneys are always easier.

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Here he’s fastened onto a door with band-aids. Don’t really want to know what happened here.

12. “Sir, I’d like to see your license and registration.

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Not sure what Gleeker did. But whatever it was, it seems pretty bad. Oh, it’s cocaine possession.

13. What the hell is Quigley doing to Barbie?

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Yes, he’s pushing her down the drain. Not sure if he’s either dumping her dead body or torturing her. Nor do I want to know.

14. “Now kiss, girls.”

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Yes, there are guys who are into lesbian porn. And I’m sure Winker is one of them. But he prefers to see it live.

15. Dinky likes to watch bad reality shows.

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Don’t tell me they have a North Pole version of The Real Housewives. That stuff rots your brain.

16. Oh, crap, Bilker’s into the Colombian snow again.

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By that I mean, cocaine. And he’s using hte parents’ Master Card.

17. “Goodbye, and f*ck you.”

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Wesley always had an attitude. But I didn’t think he had it in him to cook someone in the microwave.

18. Vinny’s got a new look.

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A man bun may look good on a samurai. But it looks downright tacky on most other men.

19. “Just need a couple for my collection.”

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He’s collecting heads. Yes, doll heads. Barbie and Ken, you will be missed.

20. Elfiwise wants to play.

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Okay, he’s after children. And I’m sure this is an elf Stephen King would want to watch his grandkids.

21. What the hell is Yinker texting?

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Uh, this seems really dirty. And no, I don’t want to see his jingles.

22. “Say your prayers, Elmo.”

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Don’t tell me Hinkle’s going to throw darts at Elmo. What did Elmo do to him?

23. “Get your dick in a box.”

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He’s even wearing chains and glasses like you see in the SNL sketch. Still, thanks but no thanks.

24. Frinkle’s nabbed baby Jesus.

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Stealing from the nativity scene. That will surely get you sent to Hell.

25. So that’s why we can’t touch him.

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Wonder what Vinker did to receive that court order. Is he a sex offender? What’s the North Pole’s background check policy?

26. “Time to cook, Jesse.”

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Seems like the North Pole’s not paying the elves enough. So Benny had to take a side gig, which is selling blue meth a la Breaking Bad.

27. Okay, Randall, this is going too far.

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What did he do to Barbie? Did he rape her? Does he know rape is a felony? For God’s sake this is just a whole level of disturbing.

28. “Are you ready for your colonoscopy?”

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That’s when they put a tube up your ass to see if you have cancer. You’re also knocked out during the whole thing.

29. Quilly’s all tied up at the moment.

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Apparently, he seems to be into it for some reason. Don’t want to know what happens next.

30. E-Con kills elves dead.

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Dinky didn’t know he had it coming. Those mints are brutal.

31. Looks like Silvy’s blown his brains out.

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Said he has information on Hillary Clinton to ensure her arrest. For God’s sake is this a take off on some Clinton conspiracy theory?

32. “Any last words, Santa?”

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Vinty’s about to set Santa on fire. And he’s not afraid to use a lighter on the candle.

33. This train’s never stopping.

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And he’s gotten a Kelly doll died to the tracks. Only a matter of time until she gets run over.

34. Here Quentin hangs out with trolls.

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And they’re snorting cocaine. Not setting a good example isn’t he? Of course not.

35. Hinky’s making cookies.

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Those aren’t Hershey’s Kisses are they? So he’s basically shitting them out.

36. Linky’s got a message for the Cardinis.

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It says, “Suck mah balls” in toothpaste. Guy’s got a potty mouth.

37. Okay, who toilet papered the tree?

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Seems like Larry has some explaining to do. Still, there’s always another roll around somewhere.

38. Well, he did promise to get rid of Justin Bieber.

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But that didn’t include murdering him and putting his head in a fridge. What kind of sicko elf does that?

39. How sweet. Jax invited Rudolph for dinner.

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Actually he’s planning to kill Rudolph and serve him for dinner. Watch out for that knife, Rudolph!

40. Ninky’s a bit under the table at the moment.

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Mostly because he’s puking in the toilet. For God’s sake, that whiskey looks like strong stuff.

41. Nicky has something to say.

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No wonder they were able to find Bin Laden. Guess he’s an elf at a house of a Seal Team 6 member.

42. The Lego figures aren’t pleased with Dinkle.

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So they tie him up and put him on a car. Not sure what they’re going to do with him.

43. Dinny just wants to unwind.

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So he’s got himself a bottle of booze and some pills. Guess he’s watching over Donald Trump’s grandchildren.

44. “This won’t hurt a bit.”

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Sparkles has a guy tied to a bed and is wielding a mallet. Sure this won’t end well at all.

45. “Spank me, Barbie. Spank me.”

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Winko’s got some kind of kinks. As dominatrix Barbie is here to oblige.

46. Glinker’s always a generous customer.

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Yet, he’s paying plush dolls to pole dance. For God’s sake, please don’t subject Jessie to this.

47. Jingle’s got an interest in politics.

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He says he wants to build a big wall in the North Pole. And make the polar bears pay for it.

48. Slinky burned down Cheryl’s she-shed.

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You can see his eyes lack any shame. But our arsonist was never caught.

49. Just let Snowball lie.

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Yes, he’s passed out drinking. And yes, his late night party sprees have become a bit of a problem. That’s putting it mildly.

50. “Hanky, why did you have to cut the cheese?”

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By the way, don’t light your farts. Or you’ll end up with a burned face like Andy.

51. Klinkle knows how to get rid of the Wicked Witch of the West.

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Just throw water and she melts. Then show her broomstick to the wizard.

52. Sleigh Bell’s really gets around.

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Guess this is a takeoff on Maury’s “Who’s My Baby’s Daddy?” segment. So is it Santa or Frosty? If Santa, Mrs. Claus won’t be happy at all.

53. At least Jingler’s honest.

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So how did he become an elf on the shelf if he’s a pill popping sex addict and a drunk. An elf like that shouldn’t be near children.

54. Pringle has stumbled on the wrong track at the wrong time.

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As a result, a train ran over him while he was passed out. Such as sad and violent way to die.

55. Don’t want to see Buzz Lightyear walk in.

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Apparently, Jessie likes to ride a few horses. But I’m sure Buzz won’t be happy about this situation, especially in Spanish mode.

56. Petey’s got quite the talent.

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Too bad he defaced a baby picture. Seriously, doesn’t he have anything better to do?

57. “It puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again.”

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This is a take off from Silence of the Lambs. Here he lowers something for his hostage that he keeps in a hole in the ground.

58. Noel’s a big fan of Magic Mike.

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Seems like she’s having a wet dream of Channing Tatum. Still, despite being a heterosexual woman, I didn’t like Magic Mike.

59. Perry’s offering free mustache rides.

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You might want to pass on that. Even if he’s wearing a Santa suit. Guess watching children is a very boring job.

60. You don’t want to know what’s lurking in the storm drain.

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You can see Blanky with his cold eyes looking at the red balloon. Now he’s out for murder.

61. Impy has a message.

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He wants everyone to piss off. And he wrote it in pee on the ice.

62. McJingle would like to thank the Kelseys for taking him in.

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Is that in blood? And is he holding a knife? Quick hide the kids. Don’t want him to murder them in their sleep.

63. Brinker messed with the wrong ice queen.

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Mess with Queen Elsa and you’ll be frozen. That’s just how it goes. Brinker learned the hard way.

64. Flinker’s got the keys.

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Let’s hope he doesn’t decide to go on a joy ride. Because that would be bad.

65. Clinkers just wants some time to himself.

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So he’s looking at elf porn. Nonetheless, does he know those women aren’t really elves? Or doesn’t he care?

66. Susie needs to support herself somehow.

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Apparently, working at the North Pole doesn’t pay well. So Susie must do what she can to get by. Even by pole dancing.

67. “What happens when I pull this trigger?”

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Don’t try it, Bunky! Since you can’t assume a gun is loaded. No wonder I support gun control.

68. Pinkler always gets the money he needs.

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Sure he resorts to armed robbery. But he’s rolling in coins and bullets after robbing a gun and ammo store.

69. “Give me the money or else Santa dies.”

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What, kill Santa? Why would Evan even do such a thing? God, he should be in prison.

70. “Let’s cook.”

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Okay. Ingle cooks meth a la Walter White. Mostly because being an elf doesn’t pay the bills.

71. Stanley wants Santa’s soul.

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If I was Santa, I’d strongly put him on the naughty list. Because he’s a sociopathic demon.

72. Hope Ken doesn’t walk in.

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Here Minker is in bed and smoking cigarettes with Barbie. Wrong on so many levels.

73. How many Disney ladies can Ellis bed?

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Here he’s in bed with Ariel, Mulan, and Tinkerbell. Don’t want to ruin my childhood just yet.

74. Frinkle will have the Iron Throne.

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Bet he doesn’t want to know as long as he sits there, he’s in the hot seat. And he’ll eventually die, especially if he’s a disaster as ruler of the Seven Kingdoms.

75. Don’t want to know what Engle’s going to do with that beaver.

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He seems to be riding it with a rather suggestive grin. Also note that beaver is a slang term for female genitalia.

76. Lingle’s just reading a magazine.

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Apparently, that magazine is Playboy. And he’s certainly not reading it for the articles.

77. I think Drizzle’s a bit tied up.

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Is this supposed to be autoerotic asphyxiation? You know what actually killed David Carradine?

78. Here Glinko has two witches with him.

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And they’re Glinda and Elphaba. Wonder what can go wrong with that.

79. Queenie isn’t used to this toilet.

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Apparently, she shits mints. Don’t want to fish it out. No thanks.

80. Wringle’s just lounging around.

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Basically watching Barbie doing a naked pole dance. And he seems to enjoy it. That pervert.

 

 

The Wacky World of Wish.com Merchandise

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A rival to Amazon and eBay, Wish.com is an online retailer that has gained quite a following in recent years. Founded in 2010, it began as an app where users would create wish lists for their desired items and the company would approach merchants to order that product’s particular amount. They also earned revenue with Pay-per-click model by advertising on Facebook. In 2013, Wish became an electronic commerce site after asking merchants to host their products directly on the app, with Wish taking a 15% sale cut. Nonetheless, as with its merchandise, Wish is basically Spencer’s with Dollar General prices. But order something and you’ll have to wait for a few weeks since the products were made in Asian countries. And you’ll find plenty of crazy weird stuff on there which you didn’t know existed. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of ridiculous products from the site. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way.

  1. Rock your car with these fuzzy seat covers.
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Available in 4 different colors. Yet, might make people think you’re strange.

2. Defend yourself with these decorative keys.

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The kind of switchblades for the girly gang members out there. Might leave a wound in your enemies. But open doors? Not so much.

3. Improve your lady libido with Hergasm.

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Because why should men get the boner pills? Then again, I don’t think these actually work.

4. Like coloring books? Behold, The Big Adventures of Tiny Dick.

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Just because it’s a coloring book, doesn’t mean it’s for kids. As this coloring book certainly isn’t.

5. Relieve your sphincter with Comfortably Numb Anally Desensitizing Cream.

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Yes, they actually have cream for your asshole. And this one smells of spearmint.

6. Heard of a mechanical bull? Well, you can get the floating bull.

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It’s something you can ride on when you’re in the pool. Hope it doesn’t put you underwater.

7. Apparently, the Cinnamon Toast Crunch is getting into pot.

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Actually, this is just a T-shirt. But those cereal bits are totally baked.

8. There’s something fishy about these shoes.

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Since they resemble fish. Available in 4 sizes and 3 colors.

9. Have you just died? This book is for you.

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Actually, I don’t think this book is useful. Since the dead can’t read.

10. Always look sharp with metal claws.

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Consists of 10 pieces. Not sure if they qualify as weapons. Probably.

11. Eat Asian cuisine in style with a pair of metallic chopsticks.

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Available in 4 different colors. Still, I think wooden ones would do just as well.

12. Discover your faith with The Catholic Hipster Handbook.

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Because sacred imagery and incense is so out of the mainstream. Still, it might be interesting to read.

13. Perhaps you want more manly fishing lures.

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What are these lures used to catch? Piranhas? Not recommended for the father/son fishing trips.

14. Any girl would like a pair of fish earrings.

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Though ones with fish in a bag, I’m not so sure. Comes in 2 varieties.

15. Get your Cage pants on.

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Yes, these pants have a picture of Nicholas Cage all over them. And yes, it’s pretty creepy.

16. Get  a light on from this Chinese dragon ashtray.

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I actually don’t approve of smoking. But you can light up the dragon by pushing its tail.

17. Show love to your princess with this Zelda engagement ring.

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Zelda is a Nintendo RPG video game. Nonetheless, I’m sure guys might like to propose to their girlfriends with a ring like this. Though I don’t recommend it.

18. Now you can turn your bike in to a motorbike.

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This is a bike motor set. However, I kind of advise against it unless your unusually mechanically skilled. Seriously, a regular bike is fine for me.

19. Don’t leave for a hike without a survival bracelet.

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Includes a knife, compass, whistle, and Firestarter. Available in several different colors, too.

20. Care to give your campfire a little color?

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These can turn a fire into the colors of the rainbow. But I’m not sure about their safety record.

21. Feel free to attract with some magnetic slime.

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You can see the image above how it gravitates toward metal. Available in 6 colors.

22. Keep things behind your car with these organizers.

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I’m sure any driver would need these. Has a place for tech, drinks, and napkins.

23. You might find these food earrings quite stylish.

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Consists of donuts, cake pieces, pastries, and kitchen utensils. Not sure what I’d wear any of these with.

24. Defend yourself with this invisible blade ring.

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They’re basically rings containing knives you can use to stab attackers. Though mace also works, too.

25. Always have a toothpick crossbow in handy.

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Good for finger archery contests. If such events even exist.

26. These gem earrings will light up your night.

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Yes, they’re light up earrings while the stones aren’t real. Available in 6 colors.

27. Wear a masterpiece on your feet.

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Each pair of socks shows a famous painting or sculpture. And all in vibrant colors.

28. Listen to the music with this car MP3 player.

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Is that something you’d put on your dashboard? Think you’re better off just hooking your MP3 player to your car.

29. Now you can go undercover with this hidden camera.

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Great for spying on neighbors, family, and friends. Not meant for those with restraining orders.

30. Lose weight with this magnetic weight loss bracelet.

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I don’t think this works. But at least it makes a great piece of jewelry.

31. Don’t let your bad eyesight get in the way of poker night with these large cards.

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And yes, these are very big cards. But at least you won’t have trouble seeing them.

32. Clear your ears with this cleaning kit.

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On second thought, if you have clogged ears, better see a specialist. Seriously, these tools look pretty dangerous.

33. Perhaps you’d like a Nic Cage T-shirt to go with those pants.

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Yes, this Nic Cage T-shirt also exists. And yes, the expression is quite unsettling. Wonder why anyone would buy it.

34. These skeleton hair clips will be perfect for Halloween.

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Goes with any scary costume. Or if you plan to dress up as a character from a Tim Burton movie.

35. A pole dancing sloth will always amuse.

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And it seems the sloth is making it rain. Nonetheless, this shirt is hilarious.

36. You have to be crazy to get this jacket.

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Since they used to put a jacket like this on crazy people. Before they were put in a padded cell.

37. You might have an appetite for one of these food hoodies.

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Each comes in several different colors. And all are equally ridiculous.

38. Got clogged ears? Try ear candling therapy.

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Please don’t. For one, I don’t think it works. Second, since it involves burning, I suspect it’s quite dangerous. No cure is worth setting your house on fire.

39. A handy Scotsman always wears a cargo kilt.

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Includes large pockets to keep tools and other essentials. Let’s hope a guy wears underwear underneath.

40. Feel free to take one of these pills.

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Just don’t eat one because they’re not meant to be eaten. Yet, each one has a rather unique expression.

41. Keep your home lit with these LED mushroom night lights.

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Come in several different colors. Perfect to put near houseplants.

42. Do you snore? These snoring cones can help.

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You can just put it up in your nose and it’ll expand your nostrils. Not sure if it really works though.

43. Get rid of pimples and blackheads with this extractor kit.

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Because you can’t get rid of zits if you can’t bear the pain. Still, this kit seems to resemble what you’d keep in a torture chamber.

44. Brighten up this winter with this fur coat.

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Great for any ugly sweater party around Christmas. Though I hope the fur is fake. Yet, you’ll piss PETA off either way.

45. Say goodbye to zits with this vacuum acne cleaner.

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Not sure if it actually works. Since once zits and blackheads are removed, they’ll appear again.

46. Soak in this inflatable gold bathtub.

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I’m sure you’ll have use a hose to fill it up. And I don’t think the experience is as pleasant as it’s portrayed to be.

47. Recharge with these blood energy drink bag.

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Also doubles as a Halloween decoration. Available in several different colors.

48. Even skeletons have to use the bathroom sometimes.

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Though I have no idea why they’d use a toilet. Since they have no organs.

49. If you need a big umbrella, this is the one for you.

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You can have a whole meeting underneath this. Yet, you must have a designated holder.

50. Never get locked out again with this lockpicking kit.

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Great for break-ins, home invasions, and bank robberies. Will probably get you arrested.

51. Didn’t know toys had to contend with the zombie apocalypse.

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This is a mashup T-shirt between The Walking Dead and Toy Story. Yet, the blood on Buzz’s helmet is disturbing.

52. No one will mess with your tiger backpack.

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Available in orange and white. No real tigers were harmed in the making of this so the fur’s fake.

53. These reusable wedding party straws are a much have.

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Those aren’t straws. Those look like crack pipes. Seriously, I think they can get confiscated as drug paraphernalia.

54. Keep your pooch sharp with these dog undies.

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Are these even necessary? Seriously, most dogs don’t wear undies. Why do these exist?

55. Who says men can’t wear frilly undies?

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Yes, these are lace bikini briefs for men. Because what can make tidy whites more embarrassing than black lace?

56. Instead of a gun, why not give the NRA person in your life this rifle pen?

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Hey, at least this won’t kill you. Available in gold with a silencer lid.

57. Tone your face with this slim mask.

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Yes, that’s used to tone wrinkles. I don’t think it works. Unless you use it as a Halloween costume.

58. Brighten up your life with these dual purpose table lamps.

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Yes, they resemble spilled paint cans. Except they light up when you turn them on. Available in 4 colors.

59. Pierce your own ears with this contraption.

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On second thought, I wouldn’t advise it since it looks dangerous. Seek a professional instead.

60. There are boxers, briefs, and boxer briefs. Then there are these.

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This men’s underwear has a pocket for his uh, special appendage. Available in several different colors.

61. Now you can have this collectible gold and silver dogshit coin.

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The coin depicts a dog shitting. Seriously, I have no idea who comes up with such ideas.

62. How a moose hunting decal like this on your truck?

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Okay, that’s really disturbing. Seriously, why would a moose do that to a hunter? He has antlers. And yes, I said, “he” because female moose don’t have them at all.

63. This summer, get yourself a shower curtain depicting Jeff Goldblum with an ape.

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Apparently, Goldblum has become quite popular. Not sure why he’s with an ape in this picture.

64. If the doorbell’s broken, use this rug.

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It instructs you to yell “Ding Dong” really loud. Though you can just knock.

65. Need to do your business in the woods? Use these pee bags.

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You just put them on when you need to answer the call of nature in the outdoors with no bathroom in sight. Still, at least they’re disposable.

66. Remove security tags with this device.

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Perfect of shoplifters. Though I’m not sure if I’d recommend it. Since I think they do it for you in checkout.

67. Capture your world with this wi-fi mini camera.

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Uh, is this guy stalking that woman. Since he seems to view her from his phone. Creepy.

68. Need to pee on the go? This contraption can help.

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Just put it up to a bottle and go ahead. Though women might find this a lot more complicated.

69. Behold, the Kim Kardashian human centipede.

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Yes, they have a T-shirt of that. And yes, it’s as disturbing as the fact that she’s famous for being famous.

70. Protect yourself with these stun gloves.

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Touch someone with these and they’re in for a literal shock. Make sure you’re not wearing them among friends and family.

71. With these undies, your man will come howling to you.

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Okay, that’s really unsettling. Seriously, the wolf’s snout is where the guy’s dick is supposed to be.

72. Nobody will steal your make up if you put them in a fish purse.

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After all, the fish looks pretty realistic like it’s been caught. So no one will probably bother with it.

73. Love The Office? Get a load of this Michael Scott T-shirt.

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This one features Michael Scott in all his character itineration’s Not as disturbing as any clothing with Nicholas Cage.

74. Instead of using a disposable plastic straw, use this.

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It’s a folding metal straw you can use on the go. Available in pink and black.

75. Got a pot business? Wish has got you covered on hempseed.

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Available where pot’s legal. Because I’m sure they’ll confiscate it otherwise. Seriously, these are marijuana plants.

76. Hold your smartphone and enjoy some snacks with this bowl.

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Has a shelf where you can set your phone. Though you can just use a shelf and regular bowl.

77. This T-shirt will take you straight to Flavortown.

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This one is incredibly fitting. Includes pizza, hotdog, and Fieri in his flaming shirt.

78. Feel free to look at yourself with this laptop mirror.

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It’s basically a compact for computer nerds. Yeah, it’s pretty weird.

79. Be prepared for the apocalypse with this gold gas mask.

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I think this is more of a fashion accessory than anything. Also includes spikes.

80. See Kim Jong Un as you’ve never seen him before.

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Someone better mail this one to Donald Trump. Sure Kim Jong Un is a brutal dictator, but this Mona Lisa T-shirt of him is hilarious.

81. Keep your head dry with this umbrella hat.

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Available in a wide variety of colors and patterns. Nonetheless, guaranteed to make you look like an idiot.

82. Work out in this codeine track suit.

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By the way, codeine is a narcotic and shouldn’t be taken without a prescription. And certainly not something you’d want in a cough syrup.

83. Grow your plants with these beads.

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They’re plant soil beads you can put in a transparent flower pot. Don’t ask me how it’s supposed to work.

84. Get your hair dry with this hair drying bonnet.

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From Slapped Ham: “Are you sick and tired of looking sensible while drying your hair? Is waving a blow dryer over your head just too much hassle? Well thanks to Wish, you can wear this ridiculous contraption and look like a complete goon for no apparent reason at all. Finally you can get that much sort after ‘exploded rats nest’ look at home for a fraction of the cost you’d pay at the salon.”

85. Love Shrek? Get this 3D Shrek head.

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From My Favorite Daily Things: “The perfect night light for people who sleep better with a futuristic Shrek head staring at them all night.” Okay, that’s horrifying.

86. Bind your legs with leg plastics.

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From My Favorite Daily Things: “We can’t really figure out if these are for cellulite, weight loss or leg strength, so we’re just calling it leg plastic.” Neither can I.

87. Ingrown toenails? Try this corrector.

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Yes, this looks incredibly crazy. But will it work? Who knows.

88. Hairy armpits? Use these hair removal sponges.

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For use when you run out razors. Still, shaving armpits is incredibly tough.

89. Keep your toilet on during the night with this LED light.

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For when you’d like to party on the toilet. Why anyone would do that, I don’t know.

90. Shut your dog up with this duck bill muzzle.

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For when you want to keep your dog quiet and subject it to humiliation. Available in 4 colors.

91. Get bigger knockers with this breast enhancement vacuum.

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For the love of God, please don’t put this on your body. Just don’t. It’s not worth it.

92. Get down and dirty with this gardening glove with claws.

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Looks rather impractical and unnecessary. Seriously, how will it help you garden? I have no clue.

93. Keep your home warm with this wall space heater.

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Of course, if your way of heating the house is burning it down, by all means. Otherwise, you might want to stay away from this one.

94. Need an eyebrow touch up? These brow stamps are for you.

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Brows come in 3 colors. Great for those bushy mornings.

95. Keep an eye on your people with this spy cam pen.

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For the paranoid sort who thinks everyone is out to get them. Perfect to put in your shirt pocket.

96. Have your home smell nice with this mermaid incense burner.

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I guess the incense comes from the mermaid’s boobs. Now I have so many questions on how they reproduce.

97. Insecure about your tiny penis? Use this enlargement oil.

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From The Daily Edge: “For just €3 you can get this ‘Men sex products enlargement extender oil sex oil male’ which is pretty comprehensive. I can foresee no problems with this at all.” I think it’s a bottle of snake oil.

98. Bendy toes? Get the toe straightener.

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From The Daily Edge: “Bendy toes are the worst and for just shipping you can sort out that problem immediately with this toe straightener. No comment on how painful or medically safe the actual process will be but we’ll just casually ignore that.”

99. Scared of the dentist? Use this home dental kit.

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From The Daily Edge: “Have you ever felt the urge to examine your own teeth? Maybe you want to give your housemate with bad breath a check up. For just €8 plus shipping you can get a set professional dental trays to do what you want with. Not creepy at all.” On second thought, better to see a dentist.

100. Want your home to look straight from Dr. Seuss? Plant a blue bonsai seed.

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From The Daily Edge: “You can buy seeds for a blue bonsai tree whose existence is actually disputed by gardeners. Order them, plant them and see what happens. Also they can’t be that rare because you can buy a lot of them on the internet apparently.”

The Disappointing World of Epic Design Fails

Nobody’s perfect. And those who design all the stuff we look at and use are no exception. After all, we all make mistakes. But if you design something, people are going to notice. At best, it’ll be overlooked like it’s no big deal. At worst, it’ll be emblazoned all over the internet and you may be known as a “you had only one job” person. Actually that may not be the worst since that might depend on your profession. Though some of these pieces might include more than one terrible mistake. From bad architecture to bad ads, you’ll find design blunders all over the place. Sometimes it’s bad font, wording, and ad perception. Sometimes it’s something much more practical. So for your reading pleasure today, I’ll give you an assortment of epic design fails. So enjoy. Though some of these might not be safe for work for obvious reasons.

  1. To be fair, counting miles is pretty tricky.
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No wonder running this trail feels longer than it should be. Still, there’s a difference between 4 and 5 miles.

2. I think you might mean jaguar.

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Because jeopards don’t exist. Seriously, it’s not even a word. But little kids might not know that.

3. What do you mean I can’t smoke in this ashtray?

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Don’t you know what an ashtray is for? If you don’t permit smoking, why do you have them?

4. Hunters Plaza is so heartless these days.

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Okay, they’re raising money to help kids with childhood cancer. Couldn’t they just say so and not look like monsters?

5. The Econo Camper Mat makes for a great book surface.

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Uh, aren’t you supposed to be lying on it? Better on an air mattress than the grass, I always say.

6. Even superheroes listen to their parents…oh wait.

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If you’re familiar with superheroes, you can see why these don’t add up. For one, Batman saw his parents murdered. Second, both Superman’s dads died when he was young. And both seem to send him conflicting messages. Third, superheroes don’t have bed times.

7. Perhaps your little princess would like to sit in this Cinderella car seat.

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Didn’t know one of Cinderella’s ancestors was a giraffe. Seriously, this is really freaky.

8. Apparently, the University of Texas doesn’t have a statistics department.

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Because these bars on this graph are way too high. Seriously, doesn’t someone understand percentages?

9. Bleach Cereal is part of a complete breakfast.

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Who the hell would buy this? Sure I don’t think it’s toxic, but you wouldn’t know by the packaging.

10. Okay, I think this Minion craze has gone too far.

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Minion bikini? What the fuck? I know they’re really popular but a minion bikini just doesn’t look right.

11. Did someone just die in here?

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Don’t worry, it’s just the carpet’s merely designed like a mass murder happened here. Still, I wonder how many 911 calls this place has inspired.

12. Why are those two guys banging a human centipede?

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To be fair, they might just be horsing around. But the positioning of these guys gives me a far dirtier impression.

13. Almond milk or laundry detergent? You decide.

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Because this almond milk bottle seems to resemble something you’d keep bleach in. Not sure if I’d take any. Oh wait, I wouldn’t.

14. We’re open 24/7 except when we’re not.

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To be fair, they’re only closed late at night on weekends. So it’s a time that most people won’t be calling anyway.

15. At Thunder Bay, golf is a man’s sport.

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Guess someone didn’t have the balls to tell the landscaper about this. Then again, you’d have to be nuts not to notice.

16. I’m sure your girlfriend will have quite the sensation once you hit the ‘Clit.’

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It’s a forest recreation area with plenty of bush. Not far from the G-Spot Nature Reserve. You’ll have such a good time you’d want to come again. Oh, it’s supposed to be “The Cut?” Well, the font suggests otherwise.

17. So do you have a Jack or an Ace?

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Sorry, but the Jack of Diamonds doesn’t look like it. Seems more like a diamond Ace to me.

18. Since when did couches have ball backs?

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For when you don’t want your guests to stay long. Seriously, that can’t be comfortable.

19. I suppose Jeff Epstein and Roy Moore used to frequent this joint.

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Okay, this has one more to do with bad text placement. 8-12 is supposed to be the time not the age range. But yes, it’s pretty disturbing.

20. That doesn’t look like 5 bananas.

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In fact, there seems to be 6 bananas. Apparently, this children’s book illustrator couldn’t count.

21. Pool open for 9 days a week from 10 to 9:30.

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Actually, it just repeats Friday and Saturday. Still, you’d think anyone would notice it.

22. Is this supposed to be soap or candy?

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It’s supposed to be hand soap. But the label seems to suggest otherwise.

23. I don’t think you’d want to use this stall.

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Since the door’s basically a trapezoid. So it doesn’t provide any adequate privacy.

24. I don’t think your belongings will be safe in these lockers.

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Because they don’t seem to have any locks on them. So better keep your belongings on you in this place.

25. Apparently, Habitat for Humanity provides sniper lessons.

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The van is supposed to say, “Practice your skills.” But given how van doors slide, you can see where the unfortunate message comes in.

26. Seems like the poop emoji recently got a makeover.

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Yes, it’s supposed to be toothpaste. But no matter what the color scheme, a glop with a smiling face is always the poop emoji.

27. Please don’t season the birds.

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Okay, it’s supposed to say don’t feed the birds. But the bird should be facing the other way.

28. Pencil’s got on Nikes but no pants.

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Wonder why he’s not getting arrested for indecent exposure. Then again, he’ll have to sharpen his tip once he gets going.

29. Maybe you should just put “Jazz” not anything fancy in between.

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Yeah, the shirt seems to say, “Jizz Addicts.” Coming soon to a club called The Golden Shower.

30. Didn’t know Paw Patrol was such a dark show. Though it was catered to toddlers.

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Well, the box says, “Paw Concentration Camp.” Like, what the hell? I don’t think 2-year-olds are ready to learn about the Holocaust.

31. Before you erect a pay meter, make sure it’s capable with its environment.

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Since I don’t think solar panels work in parking garages. Still, this place must be a popular place to park.

32. Looks like Ohio State’s not doing so good.

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Okay, this is an alarm clock. But why would they put the time on the scoreboard, I have absolutely no idea. Couldn’t they just put the time on the time clock like they do in every game?

33. Excuse me, ma’am, but I think you might have a severe case of diarrhea.

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Actually, she’s wearing a white dress with brown flowers. But it surely looks like she massively shit herself.

34. On second thought, maybe mirrored ceiling tiles in the bathroom was a bad idea.

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I mean they obviously reflect the toilets in the stalls. Guess someone has no concept of privacy.

35. Jesus Christ, these people are monsters.

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Okay, they actually support Child Abuse Prevention Month. But the last 2 words are in smaller type.

36. So how are you supposed to use the toilet if you can’t reach the toilet paper?

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I mean the toilet paper should be near the toilet. Not near the sink. Yeah, I don’t know how this is supposed to work out.

37. How do you know how much water you have in this bottle.

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I mean it should be at least translucent, not opaque. This doesn’t make any sense.

38. Didn’t know I could find Seven of Nine’s baby picture on a bus.

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You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. Still, I didn’t think the Borg would get her this early.

39. Do you squirt?

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It’s supposed to stand for Silent Quiet Un-Interrupted Reading Time. However, “squirt” also has a rather different connotation in the bathroom.

40. I don’t think whoever designed this knows how.

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The words are divided into columns. Yet, given how we read, you can see how it doesn’t make sense.

41. Aaris is home to the Eiffel Tower.

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Okay, it’s supposed to say Paris. But somehow, someone had the brilliant idea to put the Eiffel Tower on the P instead of the A.

42. These activewear Speedo pants will show off your, uh….big dick energy.

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Actually that’s supposed to be a leg, not a penis. But looking at them from this angle makes you think otherwise.

43. You can now watch movies from the comfort of your home or car.

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The scaling on this is incredibly bad. Also, you can’t put a couch in your car.

44. Want to take some mulled spice bleach?

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Okay, it’s probably not bleach, but mouthwash. Still, despite its cinnamon flavor, I wouldn’t want to put that in my mouth.

45. Care for a Tex Cock Mextail?

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It’s supposed to say “Tex Mex Cock Tails.” But given how we read, it doesn’t come out right.

46. I’d have to get a ladder to plug something in.

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I don’t see anyone using this electrical outlet anytime soon. Since it’s in a very inconvenient location.

47. No, “stressed” spelled backwards isn’t “desserts.”

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It’s actually “desserts.” But apparently, this person didn’t get the memo.

48. You don’t want to drink that. Seriously.

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Because it’s radiator coolant. Why they thought it would be fine in a tall pop can container, I absolutely have no idea.

49. So how do you use this keypad?

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Look, I understand what most of these buttons are supposed to do. But the commands on the right don’t match the colors and symbols. So something might mess you up.

50. I don’t think you should wear these flamingo pants.

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No, it has nothing to do with whether they might make one’s but look big or fat. But the flamingos just don’t make your crotch look good.

51. Make your home great again with some white power accessories.

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I understand white is to signify color. But “white power” is also a white supremacist chant. Doesn’t look good.

52. Is that where the speakers are supposed to be?

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I don’t think speakers are supposed to go near the pedal and brakes. Seriously, why?

53. Soul-Feel – to remember that perfect voyeur moment.

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It would be easier just to take a selfie. Why not, I have no idea.

54. Is this supposed to be a dentist’s office or an execution chamber?

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Given how the standing figure appears to be holding a gun at the lying figure’s head, you’d think the latter. Still, it’s pretty crazy.

55. Seems like this upcoming basketball game’s going to be a real snoozer.

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Better not watch this one. Will probably slog on for hours. Also, this announcement is from New Zealand.

56. Warning: incoming dancer coming down the stairs.

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Yeah, you don’t want to be near someone silly walking. This is especially the case at the stairwell.

57. Seems like I found Hannibal Lecter’s favorite restaurant.

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Best thank Jessica’s family for offering their bodies to nourish all the cannibalistic customers. Once again, word placement is the key.

58. In this year’s Christmas Bazaar and Craft Show, we’re fighting children with diabetes.

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It should be “Fight Childhood Diabetes” fundraiser. Otherwise, it means that you’re beating the crap out of diabetic kids.

59. This urinal placement’s bound to create some awkward moments.