Make a Wish and Blow Out the Candles with These Birthday Party Cakes (Fourth Edition)

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Next Saturday will be my 28th birthday. So like the few previous years, I usually commemorate the occasion with an assortment of crazy birthday cakes you’d find in a store thanks to Cake Wrecks. When you go to a bakery or store like Wal Mart or Giant Eagle, you usually expect the cakes they make to resemble what you’d see in a book they provide or what you’d specify. However, there are times when it’s not the case. Sometimes customers might see a cake with all kinds of mistakes or unintentional errors. But often they have to make the best of the situation. Since you don’t really want to waste a cake. So for your reading pleasure, I give you yet another assortment of birthday cakes gone wrong. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way. Enjoy.

  1. Perhaps you might want a Shrek cake for your birthday.

Okay, Shrek looks terrifying in this. Like he’d eat children and squeeze the jelly out of your eyes. No, he’s not like that in the movie.

2. Small children will always delight with a Barney cake.

Seems like Barney is giving himself a bikini wax. Nothing to see here, kids.

3. Anyone who enjoys Angry Birds will rave about these cakes.

Well, they hardly look angry and they barely look like birds. More like badly drawn Sesame Street characters.

4. There are plenty of kids who’d like a birthday cake of Sponge Bob Squarepants.

Well, it seems that Sponge Bob’s squarepants are now a speedo. And his legs are unusually long.

5. Elmo always makes a wonderful first birthday cake.

Sure he might be in a diaper. But, yes, his smiley face kind of freaks you out.

6. Sometimes when ordering a cake, it might be better not to specify the punctuation.

Since the word “comma” is written into the cake. Perhaps a grammatically correct cake isn’t all that’s cracked up to be.

7. They say many kids would want a cake of Dora the Explorer.

From Mommy Shorts: “Dora the ‘OMG! There are two giant walruses fighting over my hair!'” Though they don’t seem to have white tusks. But yes, the kind of resemble walruses.

8. Sometimes the instructions may get lost in translation.

No, I don’t think that person wanted a cake that said, “Giant 57.” More like a 57 in a giant font size.

9. Not sure if that person wanted a cake with ramen noodles on their mom’s cake, but there you go.

I think the cake decorator wasn’t supposed to hear “ramen noodles.” But it’s on the cake anyway.

10. Of course, children can’t resist a cake of Mickey Mouse.

Why did does Mickey have Princess Leia buns instead of his large circle ears. And why is he smiling like he’s about to stab me?

11. There are times when a nice birthday cake for a friend can go awry.

Yes, some “f” adjectives can be quite positive. But the word “fat” is usually not one of them. Though being “fit” and “fat” is possible.

12. They say youth comes to die at 40.

And his cake is of a tombstone with white and black roses. Well, you’re only young once I suppose.

13. When your baby’s turning 1, make sure the 1 candle isn’t in an inconvenient location.

Yeah, putting that candle between Winnie the Pooh’s legs make it seem like he’s having a wet dream. Still, isn’t he supposed to be a plush toy anyway? I mean Pooh’s not supposed to have any junk.

14. Uh, I think they just wanted the name “Al” under “Happy Birthday.”

You have people who might take instructions way too literally. You have to wonder why you even get cakes like these.

15. At every place, there is always someone who doesn’t take directions well.

This recipient ordered a cake with a green and yellow inscription. They got neither.

16. Happy Birthday, actually we want you to join a 12 step.

Not sure why they make cakes to get people into rehab. But I suppose it might work for some.

17. A kid named Nemo should naturally get a Finding Nemo birthday cake.

Still, Nemo and Dory don’t seem to be a lively pair on this one. Quite the contrary actually.

18. There are times when a cake can send the wrong message.

Was this a cake meant for Father’s Day for Gomez Addams? Or a birthday cake for Herman Munster? Cause this one seems quite grim.

19. Well, they said Stan enjoyed swimming.

Yet, this boy seems like he’s dead in the water. Think we might need a lifeguard in this case.

20. Happy Birthday Keith and Arianna and don’t worry about anything.

A cake with the saying “He trusts you!” doesn’t seem like a good sign for me. Just a thought.

21. There are some men who might want a fishing cake.

Though they wanted the name “Gary” in white. That didn’t happen.

22. “Happy Birthday, Sprinkles!”

Oh, they wanted sprinkles on the birthday cake. Still, at least they got that. Since it has plenty of sprinkles.

23. This person only wanted a 1 on this cake.

This is definitely for a boy’s first birthday as far as the color’s concerned. Yet, some decorator doesn’t know how to take directions.

24. Often an icing likeness doesn’t go over well.

And it seems like this icing girl doesn’t know how to smile. More confused at what’s going on. Like me looking at this cake.

25. A child would delight in a Scooby Doo cake.

Seems like Scooby Doo has a rather thick neck. Still, kind of freaks me out.

26. Apparently, Linda didn’t get what she wanted on her cake.

Looks like this cake didn’t get the cherry. But it did get the instruction which is barely a consolation.

27. A beach body cake should always have a bit of realism.

Though this is a bit too realistic. Seriously, I’m all for not shaving pubic hair. But that doesn’t mean it should be on a cake.

28. Sometimes people just want their cake to be simple.

Indeed this person, just wanted “Happy Birthday.” And they got in on the cake twice.

29. A monkey is always a wonderful motif for a baby’s first birthday.

Though the banana is unfortunately placed between the legs. Not really sending a family friendly connotation here.

30. A dresser cake is perfect for a young girl.

Though I think her name’s supposed to be “Bobbie.” I’m sure her birthday cake will lead to a lot of teasing in school.

31. A cake of a gorgeous woman would fulfill a man’s dreams.

Though there’s something phallic about this cake. I mean her boobs could be easily seen as balls for some reason.

32. You’re never too old to have a birthday cake with a Disney Princess.

Yet, strangely, Snow White doesn’t seem smiling in this one. Or smiling rather awkwardly.

33. Any Disney girl would love a crown cake for her birthday.

Well, it doesn’t seem to resemble a princess crown. More like a crown passed to a younger sister.

34. A 21st birthday is always seen as a rite of passage.

And this one has a Ken Doll puking into a toilet of sprinkles. Kind of disgusting if you think about it too hard.

35. “Happy Birthday Concentrated Debbie.”

Yeah, I have no idea what it means either. Also, what’s with all the cherries?

36. Someone must complain a lot.

I think it’s supposed to be “Whitney.” Still, this is kind of hilarious.

37. For some a birthday cake should have a festive spin.

Though this is a plain cake that says, “Happy Birthday and Fireworks.” Seems this isn’t what they wanted.

38. Apparently, someone has mixed feelings about their child.

Well, kids can seem like brats sometimes. Though this kid is probably turning 9 from what I can count of the candles. Then again, his name is probably Brad and he’s not an unpleasant child at all.

39. There are occasional cakes that can make flagrant accusations.

Let’s hope this is a misspelling of someone’s name. Because such accusation might put you on a sex offender list later.

40. Perhaps you might want a floral cake?

So who the hell names their kid Stick? Because this just seems kind of weird.

41. A rainbow cake should brighten anyone’s birthday.

I guess they wanted a birthday plaque. Not the word “Plaque.” Too bad they didn’t get what they wanted.

42. Best not mind the chocolate bits in the center.

This one says “Just Happy Birthday.” Still, the chocolate bits might be tasty. But they don’t do wonders on its appearance.

43. An 18th birthday cake should always have a unique design.

Though this cake seems more appropriate for a bachelorette party. Includes some silver decorations on the top.

44. Any young child would adore an Oscar the Grouch cake.

And here’s Oscar in his debut on The Walking Dead. And yes, he’s hungry for your brains.

45. Sometimes a birthday cake can be ordered on the stealth insult side.

Not sure if the “you whores” addition was intentional or not. But it’s kind of funny it’s on a cake with pink flowers.

46. Well, at least they included the clown hat.

Though they didn’t have to write it down on the cake. Just putting a clown hat on there would’ve been fine.

47. A first birthday cake should always have endearing characters.

However, these seem like they’re from some horror show. That figure seems like it’s coming apart.

48. There are some places where a tickling hand is appropriate.

But a birthday cake for a 30 year old man isn’t one of them. Also, it looks kind of creepy if you ask me.

49. Young boys always relish with Star Wars birthday cake.

Still, the message seems a bit odd. Sure he’s unlikely to become a Jedi. But does that mean you should have it on a cake?

50. Seems like they don’t know what to do with this birthday boy.

This could almost be a great birthday cake for Anthony Scaramucci. Since he only lasted in the Trump White House for 11 days.

51. A Harley Davidson cake should look badass.

Yet, the flames on this sheet cake seem rather pathetic. Doesn’t inspire any impressive feats.

52. Anyone with the Force would approve of a lightsaber cake.

Though the lightsaber seems rather erect. Like a Jedi has to show their rod.

53. There are those cake decorators who can’t make up their mind.

They think they should decorate a cake. But they’re not sure if it’s this one. And there’s the script.

54. Even adults couldn’t resist a unicorn.

Seems like this unicorn isn’t too happy. Also, doesn’t seem like it’s well drawn either.

55. A cake like this is only appropriate for an old tortoise.

Still, the turtle doesn’t seem lively on this one. Then again, neither is an average person turning 75.

56. You should always follow directions but not too literally.

These cakes say, “Happy Birthday on Both.” One has flowers. The other has a rainbow.

57. A birthday cake should always sparkle.

But a birthday cake that says, “Sparkle” doesn’t go so well. Though the flowers are pretty.

58. Always pipe the words on a cake after you spray paint it.

Because you can barely see “Happy Birthday” on here. Decorator should’ve waited a little while.

59. Apparently, Kelly is an Auburn fan.

Because it’s written on her cookie cake. Despite that the decorator didn’t really need to.

60. Everything should be in its proper place.

But that doesn’t mean they need a description in icing. Unless these inscriptions were for the decorator.

61. Perhaps a beach birthday cake may suit you.

Yet, this one has pumpkin decorations for some reason. Doesn’t seem to be right.

62. Happy Birthday to whoever’s covered in green.

Evidently someone put on the wrong name. So they blocked out in green. Now it’s a green blob.

63. A birthday cake should have a rather intricate design.

However, this seems to resemble a spiral with some yellow icing. Looks really disgusting.

64. When featuring a photo, always choose wisely.

Yeah, that isn’t a flattering picture. This is probably intentional. But if you’re a parent, would you want your kids to see you in a thong? No.

65. Even an adult could enjoy a cake of Chewbacca.

Thankfully, Chewie has aged better in the newer Star Wars movies than on this cake. Here he just resembles a giant Ewok from your nightmares.

66. A little girl will delight in this Minnie birthday cake.

Actually this is an android Minnie Mouse. She has no life in her. Nor any talents but smiling like a serial killer.

67. Back in the 2000s, young girls would die for a Hanna Montana cake.

Miley Cyrus today would’ve been embarrassed to see her likeness on this cake. Kind of makes her seem a bit cheeky.

68. A bunny cake for a kid’s birthday is always nice.

As long as it’s not the Playboy Bunny. But the parents of this 6-year-old didn’t get the memo. Seriously, Hugh Hefner was a creep and his magazine promoted the objectification of women.

69. Any boy would enjoy an Angry Birds birthday cake.

The contraptions are clearly made out of Kit Kat bars. Still, seems rather sloppy on the icing.

70. Not sure what would stink about a skunk cake.

Kind of says, “well, you’re rather cute but give a foul stench when you’re threatened.” Also, prone to get run over by a car.

71. Any Hawaiian girl would love a Hawaiian Barbie cake.

The grass skirt kind of resembles a broom. Perhaps this isn’t as good an idea as it’s cracked up to be.

72. Young children might enjoy a birthday cake of Bob the Builder.

Is that ground meat? Please don’t say it’s ground mea? Because that’s just plain unsanitary as disgusting.

73. A future free thrower craves for a basketball birthday cake.

The cake is a basketball court while the figures are baseball players. So this is basically a baseketball cake?

74. A Yoda cake, wise choice it is.

But family friendly, it is not. As Yoda show off his lightsaber upwards, he has.

75. Seems like someone getting money from decorating this cake.

Because they have the inscription, “Big tip if it’s there before 12.” Not something you’d want to see on a birthday cake.

76. Nothing brings smiles like a little horse cake.

More like a dead horse cake. Some little kid will be disappointed or traumatized on their birthday.

77. Any girl would want a cake with Belle and Cinderella.

Belle and Cinderella seem like they’re more likely to fit in a horror movie than Disney. Belle’s eyes are especially terrifying.

78. Nobody could hate a duck cake for a baby’s first birthday.

Okay, that duck seems like it’s going to kill someone. Don’t look it in the eye.

79. A clown cake is a smash at any kid’s birthday party.

Hey, I didn’t know they had a cake of Pennywise the Clown. I’m sure Stephen King’s It fans would love to see this.

80. I see this is a cake for Gandalf’s birthday party.

Well, he is incredibly old on Middle Earth. So it’s possible the wizard is 13,000 years old. And yes, they do celebrate birthdays there.

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Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree at the Ugly Sweater Party (Fourth Edition)

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A perennial favorite on my blog during the holidays seems to be my ugly Christmas sweater posts. Of course, back in the day to receive one of these as a gift was a monumental embarrassment. Today, you’ll find plenty of people putting on these tacky apparel for Christmas parties. And sometimes the tackier the better. For instance, take what I’m wearing above. The sweater and the headband are actually my mom’s which she wore for a Christmas party at work. Because I don’t really have anything this tacky in my closet. And today, I’ll surely bring you more since you’ll find plenty on Pinterest or any online search. So for your reading pleasure today, I give you another assortment of spectacular ugly Christmas sweaters. Enjoy. By the way, some of these might not be safe for work.

  1. A holiday sweater like this makes you a favorite customer at Starbucks.

Funny, that the cup isn’t red. Perhaps someone didn’t want to piss off conservatives.

2. A Christmas tree sweater should have all kinds of bows.

Well, it kind of looks more like a dress. But you have to love the large star on it.

3. How about a mounted reindeer with lights?

This is kind of sick. But to be honest, it’s kind of hilarious. Don’t worry, the deer head is plush.

4. For Christmas south of the border, I suppose this poncho will do.

Sure it might fall under cultural appropriation. But since it’s a tacky rendition of “Feliz Navidad,” I’ll take it.

5. Hipsters might adore this reindeer top.

Because a sweater with anything else is so mainstream. And yes, you have the hipster glasses near the red nose.

6. As we all know, you can’t resist the presents under the tree.

Oh, she’s supposed to be dressed as the tree cover. Though that’s an awfully small tree on her head.

7. As we all know, Santa can’t be Santa without his long white beard.

Well, this Santa has a pretty long beard akin to Albus Dumbledore. Though you normally don’t see Santas with that kind of facial hair.

8. With this sweater, you’re always Walken in the winter wonderland.

And yes, this depicts Christopher Walken. You know him from hit movies and his distinctive voice.

9. Instead of a Christmas sweater, how about go with a Christmas skirt?

Okay, this is more cute than ugly. But still, it kind of counts since it’s in a similar style.

10. “Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you drive my sleigh tonight?”

As you can see, this sweater lights up. And yes, so does Rudolph’s nose.

11. “Fra-geel-lay. Must be Italian.”

After all, you can’t have an ugly Christmas sweater post without including one with the leg lamp. A tacky Christmas decoration that you’d ever see.

12. A mantle at the fireplace and a deer head are always great for couples.

Yes, it looks like someone killed Rudolph. But think how well it goes with the stockings hung at the fireplace.

13. Frosty can always make a great drinking buddy during the holidays.

Yes, that’s Frosty the Snowman with a beer can. And yes, he’s becoming a bad influence to children.

14. You’ll always need a warm fire when the stockings are hung by the chimney with care.

Another couple’s idea, apparently. Though the woman can wear hers all year long. The guy, not so much.

15. No Christmas sweater can do without some fuzzy fur trim.

Well, it has feathers on the cuffs and bottom. But it includes a hood with all kinds of tacky trimmings.

16. A Christmas vest should always include some tinsel.

Comes with matching candy canes, snowflakes, and green bows. Perfect for any Christmas party.

17. Seems like Grandma got run over by a reindeer.

Don’t worry, she’s fine. Just had to spend some time in the hospital. But the tracks are nonetheless permanent.

18. Apparently, the Abominable Snowman can spit out candy.

Okay, maybe not. But this is nevertheless hilarious, especially if you add tinsel.

19. Now your Christmas sweater can have its own snow globe.

Okay, this is in plastic. But it will certainly be a hit at any Christmas party you go to.

20. Seems like the deer like to frolic during the holiday season.

Okay, they’re just humping each other. So best not to wear this one in front of the kids.

21. For a more refined occasion, you might want to wear this evening gown.

Yes, this is an ugly Christmas dress. Not something you’d wear to a fancy dress ball. But perfect for an office party, sort of.

22. A Christmas suit is great for all yuletide occasions.

I see the guy wearing the Santa hat with his tacky suit. Sure it’s ridiculous but fun.

23. A sweater like this will make you a darling at any office bash.

Even has the words “Ugly” on it. Also includes plenty of pom poms and tinsel.

24. A present dress should always include a bow and tinsel.

All these ladies wear large red bows for their outfits. And yes, gift bows are a great way to decorate anything.

25. If you like A Christmas Story, than this is the holiday sweater for you.

Consists of Ralphie in his pink bunny outfit and the leg lamp. And all in felt, too.

26. Of course, no Christmas can be without a couple of ball ornaments.

Okay, this guy’s sweater is kind of risqué. Definitely not to be worn around children.

27. No ugly sweater can ever have too much tinsel.

Actually, you can’t have too much of anything on these sweaters. But she certainly rocks in her tinsel top with silver snowflakes.

28. As Santa says, “Ho, ho, ho.”

Though that phrase can also be used as an inside joke. But I like how the Santas are positioned here. So clever.

29. Sometimes a sweater can use a little bit of everything.

This one has a snowman with tinsel, garlands, bows, jingles, and baubles. Certainly stands out among many.

30. Nothing makes Christmas than some holiday Whoville fashions.

These girls even have the Who hair. Nevertheless, perfect for any day out in Whoville.

31. Green feathers always go well with any candy cane striped shirt.

This one even lights up as you can see. Though I’d more anticipate more decor relating to the Grinch on this.

32. A sweater like this is perfect for any family Christmas.

Though you wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with the Griswolds. Or anywhere near them for that matter.

33. You can always add more to any Christmas sweater.

His even has a deer in a stocking along with lights. But he doesn’t have a care in the world.

34. Perhaps a more layered look may suit your fancy.

This get up is essentially covered in bows. Yet, it has plenty of other stuff on it, too.

35. A Christmas dress can be just as snazzy.

This one has a tree on the skirt and bows on the top. All on black velvet, apparently.

36. Indeed, the North Pole elves have their own kind of entertainment.

This one has Barbie on a stripper pole as the elves shower her with cash. Ho, ho, ho indeed.

37. A cardigan can always use some tinsel and tulle.

But don’t forget to put on a few decorations as well. Certainly flashy for any festive occasion.

38. Guess you have an idea on what she has in her stocking.

Though looking at her you can’t help but be amazed on how she fit an entire bottle in her stocking. Nevertheless, this is pretty funny.

39. I’m sure you can have plenty of jingling on this sweater.

Includes spring tits, lights, and bells on the nipples. So you’d better not wear it in front of your family.

40. Christmas heels should come with a snowflake or two.

Well, these are red heels covered with green glitter, too. The snowflake is the finishing touch.

41. A Christmas sweater can come in all sizes.

And I see a couple of these are child size. But all certainly have their own bows for the tree.

42. Perhaps you might want your holiday sweater gift wrapped.

Though this one has a gold bow on it. Though the wrapping is in blue, red, and green.

43. You can make your own reindeer with a simple sock.

Well, that’s kind of ingenious. The antlers are quite charming as well.

44. A festive sweater should always jingle.

And if you live in Whoville, then this is the perfect Christmas sweater for you. Should go great with Cindy Lou Who hair.

45. May your Christmas crash and Bern.

But in a good way, since this has Bernie Sanders. Yes, I like his ideas. But I don’t think he would’ve won.

46. A green holiday suit always makes you a hit outdoors.

Yes, it’s certainly tacky indeed. Guaranteed to make people’s eyes sour with all the trimmings.

47. Seems like rocking in his yuletide get up.

Yes, that vest is certainly ugly. But those pants are just atrocious.

48. How many of those bears could you fit in that stocking?

The title on this one reads, “It’s a sad day for the bears.” Not sure exactly what that means per se.

49. There’s nothing more badass than Santa fighting a shark.

And yes, Santa really gives the shark a punch. Though Santa’s not known to be buff at all. In fact, on the contrary.

50. For Breaking Bad fans dreaming of a White Christmas, look no further.

Though to be fair, Walter White isn’t the kind of guy you’d want to spend Christmas with. Mostly because he’s freaking insane.

51. I call this one, “The Pizza Lover’s Deluxe.”

Because nothing brings cheer during the holidays than the great taste of pizza. Okay, maybe not. But this is pretty funny.

52. I’m sure this guy will eventually shoot his eye out.

It depicts the BB gun Ralphie wanted for Christmas. And yes, he does hurt himself using it.

53. Apparently, Santa might need a new belt or suspenders.

Since you can see his butt crack. Hopefully, nobody but the reindeer saw that. I hope.

54. I give you the Human Santapede.

Get it? Because it’s a human centipede and it’s for Christmas. Yeah, I know it’s disgusting.

55. You’d find this sweater delightfully Grinchy.

This one has bows on the sleeves as well as a plush Grinch in the center. And yes, there’s some tinsel for the trim.

56. After all, everyone loves a plush reindeer.

Well, it more or less resembles a moose with a wreath. But this woman’s not complaining.

57. How about a Christmas sweater for two?

This one is a naughty and nice shirt for couples. Though I wouldn’t want to have this kind of closeness at a holiday party. Think outfits should be separate.

58. If you’re a stoner, this holiday sweater may be for you.

It’s a pot gingerbread shirt. An unsurprisingly, it contains rose of gingerbread.

59. Care to look inside the windows.

Well, it certainly gives you a nice view. Seems like this sweater has a little bit of everything here.

60. I suppose a yeti is perfect for any white Christmas.

Though a yeti lives in the Himalayas where many of the people don’t. Still, this is pretty clever.

Not So Great Tidings of Not Much Comfort and Joy Christmas Gift List (Third Edition)

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Now we come to the major retailers’ reason for the season, presents. Since it’s in the presents that all the incessant Christmas shopping and advertising is all about. So much so that you find companies advertising as early as October and stores decking the halls as early as November. Yet, looking for the perfect gift for that special someone during the holidays could be a challenge (unless those recipients are children). This is especially if they don’t tell you what they want outright or if you barely know the person. And don’t get me started for those who have to buy a Secret Santa gift where it’s basically one size fits all. However, there are plenty of gifts you most definitely shouldn’t give your loved ones and that’s where I come in. And let’s just say you find plenty of terrible gift ideas on the internet if you know where to look. Nevertheless, the bad gift ideas I look for aren’t the traditional ones like neckties, bathroom scales, or candles. But rather stuff that you’d best avoid unless you’re buying for someone you don’t like. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of holiday gift ideas you best not abide. By the way, some of these might not be safe for work.

  1. Wondermade Bourbon Marshmallows

Now you can have marshmallows that taste like booze. Why anyone would want that, I have no idea.

2. Desktop Basketball

Shoot hoops at the office with this fun desk game. All fun and games until the ball hits Jeff from accounting.

3. “I Am Not a Paper Cup…” Porcelain Cup

Here’s the perfect coffee cup for those who enjoy coffee and abhors cardboard. Comes with a silicon lid.

4. Reliance Luggable Loo

Bring the port a potty experience to your life with this. But during an outdoor camping trip in the woods. Because publicly relieving yourself on this won’t win you many friends.

5. Damn! Guy Talking Stress Ball

Because squeezing a talking stress ball is a great way to blow off steam. Prone to annoy co-workers for hours.

6. Tattly Watch Tattoos

That way, you can make yourself look like you’re wearing a watch but aren’t. Come in several different colors.

7. I Judge You When You Use Poor Grammar: A Collection of Egregious Errors, Disconcerting Bloopers, and Other Linguistic Slip-Ups by Sharon Eliza Nichols

Enjoy countless hours of laughing at mistakes of those who fail at basic syntax. Fun for the whole family.

8. Jane Austen Tattoos

Give your Austen fan a way to look like a bad bitch with these tattoos. Tramp stamp not included since that’s just plain improper.

9. Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer

It’s the kind of gift that suggests, “I know you look at porn, Bob.” If you’re a woman, it’s a great way to tell your boss he’s a total creep. This is especially if he happens to be Louis C.K.

10. Santa Hat Hip Flask

Makes a handy way to store your eggnog for the office Christmas party. A must have for any Santa pub crawl.

11. Toe Tunes Slipper Speakers.

Spend endless hours dancing to music with these slippers. Also double as headphones. Okay, this is a prank pack. But it’s quite amusing.

12. Roulette Drinking Game

A way to gamble and get drunk during a party. Just like so many do in Las Vegas.

13. LED Light Up Cocktail Shaker

Best way to make cocktails at a rave. Though I’m sure James Bond would beg to differ.

14. Adulting Stickers

After all, children receive stickers for their achievements. So why not adults? Reward yourself with these stickers for mundane adulthood accomplishments.

15. Smart Water Bottle

The kind of gift that says, “I know you like to work out. Yet, you also lose a lot of important stuff.” Has a compartment for your keys, money, and credit cards.

16. Glitter Christmas Light Up Flashing LED Sunglasses

From B+C: “What lights up and will instantly turn you into the opposite of the grinch?” Think it as something Elton John would wear to a Christmas party.

17. Stone Cask Shot Flask

For those who wish to drink with sophistication. And probably have a drinking problem.

18. Animal Head Shot Glasses

These are the kind of shot glasses for a hunting party. Though they seem somewhat impossible to set down. Well, unless you remove the heads first.

19. Hot Seat Board Game

In this game, each player answers personal questions while pretending to be in the “hot seat.” Depending on the crowd, can result in lots of laughs, fights, relationship breakdowns, and possibly a lifetime of therapy.

20. Chambong

Down champagne like a fish with this Chambong glass. Though it might make you look like an idiot during more formal occasions.

21. Foodie Dice

Not sure what to make for dinner? Then foodie dice provides the answer. Though you can also check your fridge for leftovers, too.

22. Transparent Kitchen Safe

From B+C: “Protect your cookies from… people who apparently steal your cookies so often that you need a safe?” Try getting those chocolate chip cookies now, Cookie Monster.

23. BigMouth Inc German Shepherd Mask

From B+C: “Could the German Shepherd mask be the new creepy horse mask? Only time will tell.” Me: Absolutely.

24. Ta-Ta Towel

Because any woman could use a special towel to dry her boobs. Instead of like an actual towel she normally uses for drying everything.

25. Travel John Disposable Urinal

It’s the kind of gift for someone who can’t hold it in between rest stops. Not something you’d want to receive in a gift exchange.

26. Marie Antoilette Toilet Spray

It’s basically Poopourri for those who expect to be treated like royalty. Not sure if anyone would lose their head over this.

27. Sasswear Pink Star Light Up LED Pasties

Now you can go to a rave with light up pasties. Goes great with glow sticks or your Lady Gaga costume.

28. $100 Bill Toilet Paper

From Dodoburd: “This toilet paper is in the likeness of $100 bills, so you can feel like Bill Gates or Warren Buffett and take care of business with money instead of toilet paper. It’s a way to get a taste of the good life without having to manage a multi-billion dollar corporation.”

29. Demeter Pizza Perfume

Because there’s nothing more irresistible than smelling you just came out of a pizza shop. Whether that’s a good or bad thing is hard to say.

30. Chippendale Bottle Ring

And you can guess where the bottle goes. Yep, the place where the sun don’t shine.

31. Unzipped Bag Glass Bowl

Hold candy in a glass bowl that’s shaped like a plastic bag. Sure it’s not the best looking bowl. But hey, what do you know?

32. Pet Rock

These were a fad in the 1980s. I know it’s kind of hard to fathom that now.

33. Hot Dog Toaster

Toast hotdogs with your very own hotdog toaster. Though to be fair, you can always use a toaster oven.

34. NapSack Sleep Hood

Finally, something you can use to take a nap anywhere or anytime. Though you can just use a sleep mask. Nevertheless, this is a prank.

35. Turn and Churn Ice Cream Maker

With this you can make ice cream treats on your car. Okay, this another prank gift. But it’s so hysterical I couldn’t ignore it.

36. Eye Clock

It’s the kind of clock that will make people feel rather uncomfortable. I me an it’s a giant eye that always seems like watching you.

37. Fish Plug

It’s kind of disturbing if you think about it. Seems like a fish going down the drain.

38. Game of Thrones Themed Wine

Because what else could you give a Game of Thrones fan? Just make sure that special someone isn’t getting married. Since this is more appropriate for a red wedding.

39. Snake Eyes: A Nicholas Cage Activity Book

Includes puzzles pertaining to National Treasure and Raising Arizona. Still, who’d really want something like this is beyond me.

40. Raining Men Umbrella

Though funny, it’s not the kind of umbrella you’d want in 2017. Seriously, have you heard of all the sexual misconduct allegations?

41. Chuao Baconluxurious Chocolate

It’s a chocolate bar with bacon. Though people love both bacon and chocolate, that doesn’t mean the two should be together.

42. Craftsman Beer Soap Sampler

Yes, they all smell like different kinds of beer. Now you can get yourself clean and smell like you’ve walked out of a bar.

43. Bakon Vodka

Because your cocktail drink should always taste of breakfast. I know, it’s pretty disgusting.

44. Bald Man’s Comb

You know, the kind of comb a bald guy uses. Notice the combs are on the ends.

45. Trim Beard Oil and Shampoo

From B+C: “Decorative beards and mustaches are definitely here to stay, so give that guy in your life the products he needs to keep things tidy.” Still, I’m a woman, and even I don’t like receiving hygiene products. I’m sure guys would feel the same.

46. Outlaw Soaps Fire in the Hole Solid Cologne

It’s cologne meant to smell of a campfire. And it’s said to be explosively awesome. Like you’ve just been to a bonfire and now smell literally like smoke.

47. Canned Air from Singapore

Really? Canned air? I’m sure it’s just a whole can of nothing. Air is air no matter where it comes from.

48. Crime Scene Scarf

It’s the kind of gift that says, “I didn’t know what to give you this year. But I heard you enjoyed Law and Order. So there.”

49. Dad Bag Beer Belly Fanny Pack

Look, I don’t mean to offend. But a beer belly fanny pack is disturbing. By the way, I know the British definition of a “fanny pack” but that’s what I call it.

50. Fake Tampon Flasks

Now women can sneak in booze with flasks that resemble what they stick up their butt during their time of the month. Yeah, I know that’s gross.

51. Earwax Candle Kit

Yes, it’s a kit in which you make candles with the stuff in your ears. Fortunately it’s one of those prank boxes. So it’s not as truly disgusting as the image depicts.

52. Electric Wine Bottle Opener

Look, I understand an electric bottle opener’s useful. But I’m not sure if it’s something you give someone. Besides, a regular corkscrew works just as well.

53. Emergency Inflatable Brain

You’re supposed to use it to replace it when your brain goes wrong as far the description says. Except you can’t really replace your brain. And this is just a plastic balloon.

54. Wood Wick Fireside Candles

It’s a candle that cackles like a fireplace for those who don’t have them. Still, think it’s kind of stupid.

55. Flying Alarm Clock

Okay, that’s guaranteed to cause some injury. Should probably buy something else for secret Santa.

56. Smore Slippers

Makes you seem like you have gooey feet. But they’re not necessarily ideal outdoor wear either.

57. iDrive Mobile Device Mount

It’s supposed to hold your iPad while you’re in the car. Perfect when you’re stuck in traffic. Actually it’s a prank pack so it’s probably too good to be true.

58. A Jar of Nothing

A great to tell your Secret Santa you hate them. Because there’s nothing in this jar.

59. Drake Underwear

It’s a pair of underwear with Drake’s face on it. Since my sister did a portrait of him in high school, I feel rather tempted to give her one of these.

60. Nature Dick Pics 2018 Calendar

It’s a calendar featuring pictures of natural features that resemble male genitalia. So you can spend all month arguing how some National Monument looks like a penis.

61. Brookstone Virtual Keyboard

From Refinery29: “The kind of people who like to text in full paragraphs do not need any encouragement, please.” Costs $89.

62. Sharper Image Adjustable Tablet Stand

From Refinery29: “For those moments when lying around with your tablet is still too much effort.” Available at $159.00.

63. Brookstone Desk Elliptical Trainer

From Refinery29: “For the exercise-averse who are also people-averse.” Available at $109.

64. Infectious Disease Ball

From Refinery29: “If you don’t have trypophobia already, you will after squeezing one of these things and watching the “blisters protrude from the bag.” Blech.” Disgusting indeed.

65. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez CD Clock

From Refinery29: “Ever wonder what happened with the world’s supply of CD-ROMs? A man named Dick in Chicago turned them into clocks and is now marketing them to our youth.” Besides, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez aren’t together anymore.

66. Hop Balls Adult Jumping Ball

From Refinery29: “This is a toy that will get you arrested for playing in public.” Still, looks like fun.

67. SkyMall Posture Corrector

From Refinery29: “Like a firm hand on your back forcing you to sit up straighter — all the time.” Doesn’t look comfortable.

68. Lillian Vernon Knit Sweater and Hat Bottle Toppers

Refinery29: “Transform that tacky bottle of three-buck Chuck you’re gifting this season into the most festive bunch of barrel-chested revelers you ever did see!” Perfect for any ugly sweater party. Or not.

69. Oscar Mayer Bacon Gift Set

From Refinery29: “Who wouldn’t want a handsome, velveteen box — with engraved money clip or 9-in-1 tool — just bursting with sodium nitrate?” Uh, me.

70. Dance and Embrace Spirit Candles

From Refinery29: “Don’t you love when the lights are out, you’re burning your favorite candle, and it slowly melts to reveal a cluster of wraiths trapped in a ghostly embrace?” Okay, that’s really creepy.

71. High Heel Tape Dispenser

The office gift exchange item that enhances your desk’s tackiness. Still, I really don’t know what to think of this.

72. 12 Inch Classic Dammit Doll

It’s for stress relief which you can squeeze. Yet, in an age of Trump, you better go with a voodoo doll.

73. Ant Lollipops

They’re pastel lollipops with ants in them. Try licking these without wanting to puke.

74. Babe Cave Pillow

Because while a guy has his man cave, a woman needs a space of her own. Still, this is pretty tacky.

75. Bathroom Guest Book

That way, you can always know which people outside your home use the bathroom. Still, this is something I’d want if I have celebrities at my home.

76. Brooklyn Pet House

Now your pet can experience the blessings of overpriced housing. Seriously, this is ridiculous.

77. Bar Bell

Think of it as a lazy way to get someone to serve you a drink. But ring too many times and they’ll refuse.

78. Bear Mop Slippers

That way, you can clean the floors as you walk. They may be cute, but would anyone ask for these?

79. “I Pee in Pools” Cap

A great way to remind your friend why you don’t invite them to pool parties anymore. Though a cap of “I Poop in Pools” would be worse.

80. Public Toilet Survival Kit

Includes disposable gloves, antiseptic wipes, and a toilet seat cover. Perfect for the germaphobe in your life.

81. Dog Vomit Scented Candle

For nothing refreshes the room like your dog puking on the floor. Disgusting.

82. Richard Simmons Prayer Candle

Now you can light a candle to worship the patron saint of fitness. Though that might make your loved one say, “Who’s Richard Simmons?”

83. Inflatable Beard

Sure it’s supposed to make a man look like a Civil War general. Well, a Civil War general from cheap battle reenactment.

84. Instant Underpants

Just add water and you have a new pair of tidy whiteys. Actually, I’m not sure if this works.

85. Lisa Frank Makeup Brush

It’s basically the kind of makeup brush every young woman wanted when she was 6. She may like it, but is getting this a good idea?

86. Medical Marijuana Cigar Box

The kind of box you use to sneak some of those joints in. Except in Colorado, Washington State, and Massachusetts.

87. Biohazard Tape Dispenser

It’s for getting people to stay away from the messes you make. Like when your dog pukes on the carpet. Or does its business on the carpet.

88. Paris Hilton Siren Eau De Parfum Spray

Remember Paris Hilton? Here’s a perfume of hers. Prepare to reek of rich bitch with no brains or talent.

89. Paper Voodoo Doll

Because why stick pins into a doll while you can use a pencil for a paper one. Perfect for anyone suffering through the Trump administration. Like me.

90. Cast Away Wilson Volleyball

For the friend who lives far removed from civilization that he’s willing to make conversation with inanimate objects. Based on the Tom Hanks movie.

91. Nicholas Cage Rainbow Pillow

Yes, we all love to make fun of Nic Cage. He just has that intense stare. Though his career has never recovered since the 1990s.

92. Bear Oven Mitts

For a real beast in the kitchen. Good for protecting hands as well as letting everyone know who really gets the cookies.

93. Bigfoot Research Kit

Includes everything you need to find Sasquatch. Consists of stickers, a membership card, evidence flags, booklet, magnifier, seat bags, and more. Like you’ll ever find the guy.

94. Silk Suit Pajamas

Now your man can be ready for business time and bed. Though the sweat band kind of detracts.

95. Illumibowl Motion Activated Bathroom Light

So if you have to go at night, you don’t need to turn on the light in the bathroom. Useful but not desirable.

96. Splat Stan Coaster

From White Elephant Rules: “This rubber coaster makes it look like you’re crushing a little man with your coffee cup. Who wouldn’t enjoy that?”

97. Tiffany’s Crazy Straw

These are crazy straws for adults which costs $350. Certainly a rip off for the ages.

98. Throne Spray

From B+C: “As the dudes at Manready Mercantile describe, the idea behind this product was to ‘keep restrooms smelling like royalty.’ One question: When did restrooms ever smell like royalty? All reasonable questions aside, this citrus-inspired scent would be a welcome change in the loo.”

99. Weener Kleener Soap

It’s a man soap for his privates. A subtle way to tell your boyfriend that he has sweaty, smelly, and grimy junk.

100. The Very Best of David Hasselhoff CD

Since when did David Hasselhoff have a music career? Nevertheless, it probably sounds as good as anything by William Shatner or Terry Bradshaw.

NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition) (Fourth Edition)

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As we head into the Christmas season, children everywhere will be under Santa’s North Pole surveillance program by sending a little visitor to make sure they’re good enough for Christmas presents. The fact this cherubic elf is incredibly creepy is indisputable. However, what you may not know is that these elves on the shelves have a rather dark side. When you’re not looking, these terrifying elves can do rather unspeakable acts. After all, the elves can only “move” whenever the family is asleep or away from home. So you never know what your elf on the shelf might be up to during those unsupervised hours. Therefore, since so many elves on the shelves don’t conform to behavioral standards behind closed doors, I suggest that parents keep a good eye on their resident Elf on the Shelf and report any shenanigans to Santa at 1-800-555-BAD-ELF1. In the meantime, take some time to look at another assortment of Elves on the Shelves who belong on Santa’s “naughty list.” By the way, most of these pictures aren’t for kids or are safe for work.

  1. Looks like Ken and Blinky have something special for Barbie this year.

Guess this is based on “Dick in a Box.” Yeah, we know what’s in those gifts.

2. What the hell is Crinkle doing with that dog?

Seems like he has a pair of pliers. Okay, maybe I really don’t want to know here.

3. Once in awhile, Dangles likes to blow off steam.

He’s quite the sharpshooter. He could take down a bunch of birds all by himself.

4. “Say your prayers, Elmo.”

And we know Rinkly means business. So Elmo better give him what he wants or he’s history.

5. The Lego minifigs had enough with Buddy.

Though could you really blame them? We all know Buddy is a menace.

6. Nothing to see here but Bronco Billy and Plinko in a tent.

Bet this is a take off on Brokeback Mountain. Though whatever happens on the trail doesn’t always stay there.

7. Flicker just has to get a huff from the Elmer’s.

Yes, Flicker just needs whiff of the old school glue. Shame that Frosty hasn’t staged an intervention.

8. Flingle wants you to see his Budweiser sleigh.

Well, at least it’s quite Christmasy if you think about it. Still, this isn’t a family friendly Christmas display. Unless you’re a redneck of course. Though this might be an exception than the rule.

9. Seems like toys like to have their own fun once in awhile.

No, Glinkle! Can’t you see Barbie’s wasted? That date rape territory! Jesus!

1o. You might want to watch what’s in your kitchen.

He’s in the spatula jar isn’t he? I have a really bad feeling about this guy.

11. Dinkle Does was just doing some doodles.

Though I’m sure that doesn’t seem to reflect well on the kid. Yet, the kid seems quite young. Still, let’s just call it plain vandalism.

12. Apparently, Ken just went to far pissing off Vinkly.

So Vinkly chopped his head and put it in the tub. Though the whole scene was a mess. Yes, Vinkly is a sick bastard.

13. Once you go with Elf on the Shelf, you may never get rid of him.

And let’s just say, Ollie means business. Seriously, you better let him in before he kills you and your family.

14. Seems like Baxter has really made a mess on Sleigh Bell.

Okay, is that what I think it is? All right, kids, nothing to see here. You’ll know what’s going on here when you’re older.

15. Wonder why Tinklo’s wearing the bow on his, oh, never mind.

Is this a sex thing? Because if it is, I really don’t want to know. Still, I’m sure Elves on the Shelves must have their own “needs.”

16. Let’s hope that gun’s not loaded.

Otherwise, Tillo will cause some sort of “accident.” Let’s hope nobody’s home if that happens.

17. “Any last words, Woody?”

Oh, no, Gringlo’s got Woody tied up and is dragging him blindfold. Jesus Christ!

18. Sometimes Hank just wants to sit back and relax to a magazine.

I’m sure he only reads Playboy for the articles. Okay, maybe not.

19. Dinkle always goes for a Cold 45.

I guess this is a takeoff of the Billy Dee Williams Colt 45 ads. And yes, Dinkle is dressed as a pimp.

20. Behold, the Elvish Centipede.

Yes, this is horrifying. Well, it’s kind of supposed to be. After all, it’s a takeoff on The Human Centipede.

21. Inky just wants to make a late night visit.

Though the fact he left a rose at the windowsill might mean he’s creeping around. Sorry, but I don’t think she’s interested.

22. You don’t want to see Gumble when he’s drunk on gin.

He has an exactor knife in one hand and a gun in the other. And yes, he intends to use both.

23. Even Chuckie is scared of Elf on the Shelf.

Yes, Chuckie, we all know the Elf on the Shelf is a creepy as hell. But it’s remarkable for you since you’re straight out of a horror movie.

24. Bumble always likes to film dolls in the shower.

Sure she might be in towels. But Bumble is a very patient elf. Unless the doll shoos him out of the bathroom.

25. Best not to let Wilco in the kids’ rooms during the night.

Looks like he painted a little girl’s face. And I be he’ll blame that on her siblings if she has any.

26. “Perhaps you might want to try this.”

That’s a pregnancy test. Also, can toys really get pregnant? And is that elf the father?

27. Apparently, Paulie messed with the wrong swordfighter.

And there he lies in a chalk outline on a tiled floor. Though to be fair, the sword seemed kind of on the heavy side for him.

28. Oh, no! Snowball’s tied up Barbie on the train tracks!

Apparently, Barbie must’ve pissed him off somehow. But will someone come the rescue? Or will Barbie come to a horrendous death on the rails?

29. Apparently, Barbie and Clinker decided to tie the knot.

Though Clinker seems to take marriage as a ball and chain. I don’t see this lasting more than 5 years.

30. “Draw me like one of your French girls.”

Sure it’s a spoof off of a key scene in Titanic. But unlike Leonardo DiCaprio, Tinkler looks more like a creep.

31. Seems like Blinkle has written us a song.

Okay, maybe I don’t want to know what the song’s about. Since it doesn’t end well.

32. Once in awhile, Kringle pays a visit to Santa.

Well, that’s very disturbing. No, please don’t sit on Santa that way. Please.

33. “Quick put him in while he’s still tied up.”

Because since Jingler has been such a creep, Beetlejuice and Pee Wee Herman put him in the wood stove. I’m sure he won’t escape once the metal door shuts.

34. Looks like Ginger has gotten herself in a serious accident.

I’m sure she was warned about skiing down the high rise. But she didn’t listen.

35. Vincent Price isn’t pleased with Nibbler.

So he put that good for nothing elf in a pumpkin bin. Serves Nibbler right.

36. Apparently, Santa doesn’t pay his elves well at the North Pole.

So Quigley decided to turn to prostitution. Sure he may not be gay, but $20 is $20.

37. No, Jingles, you don’t draw on the baby.

But Jingles don’t care. Because like the honey badger, he don’t give a shit. Also, who’s Jordan?

38. “Now they will never find the body here.”

I’m sure they’ll find who Sparky killed in the cat’s litter box. Only takes a matter of time.

39. “Tonight’s special is Rudolph on the rotisserie.”

Poor Rudolph. I’m sure he never deserved to be reduced to venison. Tingler is a sick bastard.

40. Ingler can’t resist the sugar.

Yeah, he knows he has a substance abuse problem. But sometimes he has to satisfy his fix.

41. In this week’s TIME issue: Are You Elf Enough?

This is a parody of that one TIME cover with a woman who breastfed her son for far too long. But yes, it’s just as unsettling.

42. Even the hotdogs don’t like seeing Jimble on a bun.

Okay, that’s kind of weird. But the hotdog people is nevertheless a creative touch.

43. “The Parnells won’t know what got them.”

And with that, Wingler injected poison into the turkey. All the Parnells ended up in the hospital that very night.

44. “I’m just doing drug research, seriously.”

So why Flingle lives is a box is beyond me. By the way, I doubt if he’d use the cocaine for “research.” He has a problem.

45. Riggle has something to say for Christmas.

I’m sure such sentiment will put that elf on the naughty list. Because being evil is bad.

46. Oh, no, Pinky’s caused a train wreck.

And there we have Thomas the Tank Engine in flames. I’m sure Pinky’s maliciously cackling by now.

47. Charlie doesn’t care what you think about him.

This is supposed to be an Elf on the Shelf version of Charlie Sheen. And let’s just say he’s got a self-destructive side.

48. Seems like Ralphie’s taking this 50 Shades of Grey thing too far.

And apparently, he’s doing a few tricks to Barbie. Barbie, get the hell out of there! He’s abusing you!

49. Sometimes Linker likes to sit back and go fishing.

Uh, Linker, I think pet fish are off limits. Seriously, you don’t want to upset the kids.

50. Looks like Quizler’s gone online.

I see he’s looking at porn, right? I’m sure Susie’s parents won’t be happy about this.

51. Elker needs to satisfy his dark passenger.

I know this is another Dexter Elf on the Shelf. But this one has plenty of Christmas imagery. Besides, Elker needs Ken to pay.

52. “Wanna light?”

I don’t think you’re allowed to smoke here. Besides, secondhand smoke kills people, too.

53. Sometimes when you have to go, you gotta go.

And it seems he’s taking to bottles. Still, how much does he drink. He’s peeing like a storm here.

54. Oh, look, Hinky’s playing Scrabble with the cat.

And I see things have gotten scatological. Also, how can a cat learn to play Scrabble?

55. Best we not disturb Yodler here.

Don’t be ashamed. Everyone goes to the bathroom. Maybe best to shut the door.

56. Rex has had it with Pringles.

Okay, I can’t really blame Rex here. After all, the whole Elf on the Shelf thing is just creepy.

57. Looks like Wyatt really likes to doodle.

Yet, it seems like he’s put his own spin on the parents’ wedding picture. Boy, he sure doesn’t care for them.

58. “Sorry, Chuckles, but this place isn’t big enough for the both of us.”

Though I’m not sure if Zlinky has done a service or not. After all, clowns are pretty scary in the moonlight.

59. Oh, no, what has Clingo done to Fluffy?

I guess Fluffy’s in the microwave. Oh, my God, please let me be wrong.

60. Minky has a message for Santa.

And it seems like he wrote all that graffiti on the bathroom wall. Let’s hope he didn’t do it with a Sharpie.

61. Dazzler must’ve received a special award that’s just arrived.

That’s the legendary leg lamp from Christmas Story. I know it’s in poor taste, but that lamp has become a popular Christmas decoration since.

62. Elser loves to make it rain.

And he appears to wipe the Micklesons out at the bank. Bet they’re dreading their credit card bills.

63. Reggie sometimes likes to soak in the hot tub.

And here he’s with a couple of Barbies. Yes, you have a lot of perverted elves out there.

64. If you think these elves were bad in your house, just look what they do to each other.

Yes, these elves are all tied to a ceiling fan. And yes, it looks straight out of a horror movie.

65. Hinkler has developed an interest in pottery.

Okay, this makes the famous Ghost scene more terrifying. Don’t like how Hinkler’s looking over the Barbie’s shoulder.

66. Looks like Ike’s gone all Norman Bates.

Yes, he’s quite the Psycho all right. You can see the blood everywhere on this bathroom.

67. Seems like Flister wants something.

Oh, I see. Well, I guess these elves have “needs.” But still, I hope he doesn’t ring for it.

68. “Prepare to die, Kenny Boy.”

Yes, I have another Dexter one. But still, you can’t really get enough of these.

69. What does Glinger have with him?

Is that Santa’s head? Oh, Jesus Christ! And I thought Elves were supposed to be Santa’s trusted lieutenants.

70. What the hell has happened to Quincy?

Is he supposed to be a kidnap victim? Then again, it’s not like I’d pay the ransom on him.

71. Dashy knows his way around a car.

He says he fixed the brakes. But he’s wielding a pair of pliers. That can’t be good. So best not use your car until you talk to your mechanic.

72. The Lego minifigs have made their stand clear.

And they Spinkler tied up where they want him. Still, I can’t blame these guys for doing so.

73. Okay, what did Dinkybins do to the Furby?

Oh, he removed the batteries because he wouldn’t shut up. Wonder why.

74. “Open Gangelf Style.”

It’s a take off of “Gangnam Style.” Let’s just say it’s a Korean music video that went viral worldwide and leave it at that.

75. Oh, no, what’s Quinkler doing to Frosty the Snowman?

He’s putting Frosty into the combine! Please, somebody make him stop! I can’t watch.

76. No, Derek, you weren’t supposed to see that.

Apparently, the elf caught the parents having sex. Yes, it’s as horrifying as it sounds.

77. Seems like Flisher needs to find where this minifig needs to go.

That’s supposed to be Alan from The Hangover. You know the guy who basically screws everything up in those movies.

78. At least Batman and Superman can agree on something.

They may disagree with each other. But both Batman and Superman believe that Silco must go for the good of the Sirica house.

79. Daniel Day Elf is sure in an emancipatory mood.

Of course, we all know what happened to Lincoln. Nevertheless, this is pretty funny.

80. What’s Vinky doing with the scissors?

Don’t tell me he’s cutting off the mattress tag. They always instruct owners not to remove them for a reason.

 

The Cosmetic World of Beauty Products

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I may not use many beauty products on a regular basis. But even I am aware how far women go to look beautiful. Or at least conform to the standards of beauty of any given time when people expect us to. After all, applying makeup has become a daily ritual for millions of women in western civilization. Every day, we’re all exposed to constant advertising for cosmetics, hygiene products, skin care stuff, hair care items, and anything to enhance on beauty. Because there’s anything advertisers know about women, it’s preying on their insecurities, particularly on personal appearance. Because if you want to get by in life, you have to look pretty, ladies. Or at least try to maintain your physical appearance. Though I usually try to get by with walking a few miles a few days a week along with a shower every other day. Because let’s just say during my high school and college years, I have very little time to paint my face and would rather have my morning routine be as brief as possible. Save on certain occasions like appearing on TV or weddings. Besides, makeup clogs pores, costs money, and doesn’t have the kind of oversight it should under the FDA. However, I do have a certain fascination of crazy products which I like to put in my blog. And beauty products tend to fall in that category. Do a search and you’ll find all kinds of stuff that’s said to enhance your physical appearance. Though I would take that with a grain of salt. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasure trove of ridiculous beauty products that you can actually buy. Despite that you actually have to be nuts to do so.

  1. Skin troubles? Try some Besolbo Salmon Egg Return Cream Sleeping Renewal Pack.

According to a description: “With salmon egg being its key component, this cream is rich in vitamins and minerals beneficial to the skin. It regulates the skin’s moisture and nutrition production to be able to enhance its color, texture and overall condition. It is great for hypersensitive skin, aging/sagging skin and dull skin as it has nourishing properties that can help eliminate skin imperfections.” Not sure if I buy it.

2. Worried about wrinkles? Try some anti-aging serum with this non-surgical syringe.

Because why waste so much money on facelifts and Botox, when you can use this? Also, great for freaking out people who are afraid of needles.

3. Enhance your eyebrows with the Billion Dollar Brow Buddy Kit.

I think you have to put the pink oversized tweezers on your face. If you want to see how stupid it looks, there are plenty of pictures of women using it on the Internet.

4. For better skin, try Chia Seed no shine hydrating cream.

Didn’t know the seeds you use on Chia pets and heads had skin moisturizing properties. Said to be for particularly oily skin.

5. Let out your wild side with these animal print eye shadow tattoos.

Sorry, but animal prints are tacky. But luckily these are temporary.

6. Want to enhance your breasts without expensive plastic surgery? Try these.

Just put these 2 silicon falsies in your bra and no one will notice. Though you can also stuff socks in your bra which might be cheaper.

7. Want a nice shapely rear end? Then we have Booty Pop Panties for you.

Think of it as a push up bra for your ass. Bet this product was made possible by Kim Kardashian.

8. If that’s not for you, enhance your ass with Love My Bubbles Butt Pads.

Because it’s not just football players who need extra butt padding. Though they have more of a reason to use these.

9. Got some stray hairs on your face? Use this handy hair removal tool.

I know it looks like 2 bows you use to shoot at flies with tiny arrows. But if you have a stray hair, this will help you pull it out without much fuss. Also, a pair tweezers you probably already have.

10. If you have dry skin on your feet, try some Etud Bebe foot mask.

Because nothing feels better than to rid your drying skin through molting. Okay, that’s kind of disgusting.

11. Got dry, damaged hair? Treat it with Haeyo Mayo Hair Nutrition Pack.

Wow! Didn’t know that mayonaise was a hair enhancement. Yet, unlike the real Helman’s, it smells like vanilla. But don’t use it on your sandwich.

12. Want to ask how Miss Piggy has such fine skin? Now you can know her secret with this Pig-Collagen mask.

From Drama Fever: “Oink oink! Rich in nutritious elements, this pig collagen gel mask is made with 10,000 ppm collagen from pig skin. Why pig collagen you ask? Pig collagen, much like human collagen, helps to keep your skin hydrated skin and enhance it’s elasticity. This mask can help diminish fine lines, increase your skin’s luminosity, and promote supple, baby soft skin.” Uh, no thanks.

13. With JeNu Ultrasonic Infuser, your skin care products can go deeper into your skin.

For one, I have no idea how skin moisturizers work. Second, I have a strong suspicion this is a scam product for some reason.

14. Now put some false eyelashes on with the power of magnetism.

I can see the appeal of these since putting on false lashes must be a real pain in the ass. But since people aren’t made of metal, how are lashes supposed to stay up there?

15. With these lipsticks, your lips can match the color of your favorite vintage.

Yes, they resemble small wine bottles. And if you own a vineyard and want to earn a few extra bucks, perhaps consider selling these.

16. Clean your pores with this silisponge.

It’s supposed to save you from wasting makeup. Yeah, I don’t see the point of this either.

17. Keep your lips moist with some flower balm.

From Odyssey Online: “This balm stain applies on clear then reacts with your skin’s pH levels, uniquely creating the perfect shade of pink lips just for you. Each Flower Balm contains a real chrysanthemum in the color of your choice.”

18. Line your eyes with Inked Cushion Liner.

Said to be the #1 eyeliner at Hogwarts. Then again, they probably use some magic concoction from Diagon Alley.

19. Use every last bit with your very own beauty spatula.

Well, that seems rather handy. Except that the bottle seems rather large.

20. Dress your eyelashes with Besame Cosmetics mascara cake.

If you don’t like getting mascara from the tube, this is for you at $49. Also available in a rectangular box, too.

21. With these brushes, you can make applying makeup a magical time.

Each of these brushes has a unicorn horn handle and rainbow bristles. Please stop the unjust slaughter of these beautiful creatures.

22. Have your lips shine with Big Daddy lipstick.

These would be perfect for any sex dungeon, gay bar, or bachelorette party. Available at Spencer’s in all locations.

23. Customize your lips with Pony’s DIY lip palette.

Because why go with traditional lip shades when you have other colors to choose from? Available at your local rave party or clown store.

24. Treat your skin with some snail mucus cream.

From SPY: “While medical research on the connection between snail secretions and improved skin is still inconclusive, there’s plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest this stuff actually works. Snail slime is secreted to protect their exposed bodies from harm (i.e. bacteria and UV rays), and thus the mollusks secrete a “slime” that is packed with elastin, antibacterials, proteins and glycolic acid. These “ingredients” are all commonly used in skincare to treat acne, aging skin and sagging. Countless reviewers swear by this stuff too, claiming it helped erase fine lines and helps to keep breakouts at bay.” I’ll pass.

25. Rose brushes keep all your makeup needs in one place.

Though all of them seem to be of similar size and thickness. Besides, those flowers don’t resemble roses.

26. Cleanse your skin with Grain Ferment Cleansing Sherbet.

Sounds like something you’d eat instead of what you put on your skin. Said to have all natural ingredients. Not sure what that’s supposed to mean.

27. Get luscious lips with a PMD “kiss” lip pumping device.

Said to plump your lips in a flash. Contains a super-potent lip serum according to SPY. Probably pass on this one.

28. Slim out your face with a Geranium Kogao Sauna Face Mask.

Oh, Japan, you never cease to amaze me. Though using a sauna bet to sweat out body fat is one, this is a whole other level.

29. Keep your face rejuvenated with this Donkey Milk Holic Sleeping Mask.

So before you go to bed, don’t forget to put some ass’s milk in your face. Said to provide vitamins and minerals, apparently.

30. Clear your acne woes with this Neutrogena Acne Clearing Mask.

From PopSugar: “Though you might look a bit like the newest member of Daft Punk while sporting this futuristic face mask, the benefits it claims to provide — clearer, healthier skin — are totally worth it.” Also doubles as a Halloween costume.

31. Look like a beauty queen with an Alterna Caviar Clinical Starter Kit.

Because nothing says, “I’m either very rich or have bad spending habits,” then $122 of fish egg based beauty products. Probably not worth it.

32. Get rid of those wrinkles with Placenta anti-wrinkle cream.

I suppose this is made with sheep placenta. Then again, it being from New Zealand shouldn’t surprise us. Though if we want to know the best anti-aging product from New Zealand, your best bet is the Ring of Power. Okay, it might work for awhile before turning you evil and insane. But that’s beside the point.

33. Every princess deserves the finest such as Azature Black Diamond Nail Polish.

Still, $250,000 is a bit much to spend for a bottle of nail polish. Seriously, you can buy a house with that kind of money.

34. Moisturize your lips with these gel face masks.

Supposed to hydrate and plump lips. Though wear it in public and people will think something’s up with you.

35. Make your skin shine with Broccoli Radiance Power Cream.

For nothing makes your face glow like using a cream containing a vegetable you were forced to eat as a child. Though perhaps eating broccoli might achieve the same results and more.

36. This smile trainer will help you put on a happy face.

Though from how I see the woman wearing it, I don’t think it actually works. But it works for me since it just looks totally ridiculous.

37. Get the lips you want with this plumper.

Seems like she’s sticking her swollen tongue out. Like she experienced some allergic reaction and now needs rushed to the hospital.

38. Keep your eyes perky with this eyelid trainer.

Also makes a great torture device. That one scene in A Clockwork Orange would’ve looked a lot differently with these to keep the main character’s eyes open.

39. Banish that double chin with this anti-double chin bandage.

One commentator on Bored Panda remarked, “Side affect of chin hammock: compression of the remaining facial features, resulting in Resting Bitch Face.” Doesn’t look very comfortable to wear either.

40. This nose straightener will keep your schnozz in check.

Said to come in handy if you’ve eaten beans. Or if the farm next to you has just spread manure.

41. For an elegant profile, go with this nose shaper.

Though it only works best when you’re snorting. Otherwise, not so much.

42. Enhance your beauty with this quality nose shaper.

Let’s just say if Adrien Brody doesn’t feel like he needs these nasal enhancements, neither do you. Unless he works at a pig farm.

43. Do you eyebrows right with this stencil.

Yet, I’m sure this will make you a darling at the Star Trek convention. Don’t be surprised if Captain Kirk wants to add you to your collection.

44. Getting your facial tattoo? Might want to rely on this for some measurements.

Now if you plan on getting a facial tattoo, I have just one question: Why? Seriously, getting a tattoo on your face is just incredibly dumb in itself.

45. Put less strain on your face with is face massager.

Hmmm…might actually work. Also does well as a cat toy.

46. Give your skin the golden touch with a face mask of gold leaf.

Though that treatment didn’t work for a blonde woman from Goldfinger. Then again, she didn’t willingly use a gold treatment either.

47. A silicone face mask is perfect for your beauty needs.

Anyone bet this is used to keep the night creams on your face. Still, looks like a badly done clown makeup job.

48. Enhance your beauty with this facelift bandage with spikes inside.

As someone on Bored Panda wrote: “She looks like she could do with a nice glass of chianti and some Fava beans.” Also, the spikes inside can’t be comfortable.

49. Tone your face with this anti-wrinkle face mask.

Also works well in holdups, killing teenagers, and Halloween. Guaranteed to freak out the neighbors.

50. Speaking of anti-wrinkle masks, this one banishes the lines on your face guaranteed.

A must-have for the latest dominatrix couture for all your BDSM sex dungeon. Available at all kinky sex shops nationwide.

51. Get smooth feet with an Amope Pedi Perfect.

It’s a power sander for your feet which you can use for sandal season. So you won’t have to wear socks under them and look like an idiot.

52. Enhance your face with this anti-wrinkle half face slimming cheek mask.

From Allure: “A neoprene mask that looks like it’s from Hannibal Lecter’s Hello Kitty phase, the device supposedly contours your face while you go along with your day. You can do dishes, read a book, watch some TV, all while wearing a face-only Power Rangers costume.”

53. Get rid of excess cellulite with this Bliss Lean Machine.

From Allure: “No, that’s not a waterproof beach boom box or a chic humidifier for your daughter to take away to college. It’s Bliss’s cellulite-disguising vacuum that sucks and rolls your skin to look less lumpy in three minutes a day.”

54. Make applying mascara easier with E.l.f. mascara and shadow shield.

From Allure: “At first sight, it seems to be a photo-booth prop (we’ll hold the white mustache!), but it’s really a handy tool for a mess-free eye-makeup application. Hold it under your eyes so mascara and eye shadow don’t flake or fall on to your undereye concealer. Makeup artists use Kleenex as guards, but the handle makes this easier to finagle.”

55. Get smooth skin with a Rodan + Fields Redefine Amp MD System.

Yes, it may resemble a medieval torture device that you’d give to a baby boy. Still, what’s even more criminal is that it’s a plastic thing costing $200.

56. Get the Kim Basinger radiant hair with the T3 Source Shower Filter Showerhead.

They say it’s supposed to be a Britta for your showerhead. As if you really need that, especially at $130.

57. Get rid of stray facial hairs Tweezerman Smooth Finish Facial Hair Remover.

Because why thread or wax, when you can roll a coil over facial hair and pull it out by the roots? You know what also works? Tweezers.

58. Make your lips sensational with these Violent Lips Lip Tattoos.

Because if you want lips like Lady Gaga, David Bowie, and Elton John, you have to go beyond the traditional shade. Each tattoo lasts 4-8 hours.

59. Create easy curls with your very own 3D Bomb Brush.

Sure it resembles a medieval weapon you’d give to a budding noble lady. Still, not sure if I want to use it.

60. Keep your skin smooth with a Berrisom Animal facial mask.

From The Gloss: “Last but certainly not least is a sheet mask that I will never, ever put on my face no matter what but if putting placenta on your skin is something your into, by all means, have a blast. Though, it is tempting because the mask will make you look like an adorable, slimy raccoon.”

61. Rev up your lymphatic system with a Cle de Peau Synactif Crème.

From Ranker: “The Methyl Aminomethylcyclohexane Carboxamide (MACC-PD) in this creme apparently revs up the lymphatic system. Yeah, we know that’s a lot of science all at once. Basically, it’s supposed to get rid of all the waste that causes wrinkles.” Costs about $1,000. And I bought my new laptop for less than half of that.

62. With Conair’s Infiniti Pro Curl Secret, nothing will stop you from curly locks.

From Style Caster: “Now, your curling wand can magically do the work for you. Conair’s Infiniti Pro Curl Secret is a curling device that has a rotating bit that sucks in a section of hair to coil it around its heated ceramic center to make a perfectly proportioned curl before you wind your hair back out. Sounds scary? This thing has two heat settling and timer settings so you don’t over-fry your hair. Listen for the beep to know when your curl is ‘done.'”

63. Get rid of dead skin with these silk worm cocoons.

Yes, you kind of wished these were cotton balls. And you have to put them on your fingers. Though I’d rather boil these and turn them into a silk scarf.

64. Keep your face radiant with a Lace Hydrogel Mask Sheet.

Now you can either dress up as Hannibal Lector or the Phantom of the Opera. Okay, the Phantom only wears half a mask, but still I don’t care.

65. Shine your pearly whites with some charcoal teeth whitener.

So how do you whiten your teeth with charcoal? Because its powdery blackness doesn’t really convince me.

66. Dry your nails with this contraption.

Just put your hand under the tubes and pump air on it. Not sure if this works like a charm.

67. Make dreams come true with some cheese cream.

Now I love cream cheese which I’d put on basket crackers. But this is utterly ridiculous on so many levels.

68. Instead of lining your eyebrows, how about stamp them?

Well, sure seems like a real time saver. Though I don’t really feel like stamping my brows anyway.

69. Have to shave? Try this new trimmer.

You use it to trim excess body hair. And you can charge it on your computer.

70. Get yourself clean with a Salux Japanese Beauty Bath Washcloth/Towel.

Is it a towel or washcloth? Who cares? If you need a cleanse, this cloth is for you. Comes in 3 different colors.

71. Keep your eyes rejuvenated with Bird’s Nest Aqua Eyepatch.

It’s made of bird’s saliva, by the way. Yes, I know that’s completely disgusting.

72. Got puffy eyes? Try this heated, vibrating wand for size.

Yes, I know what it looks like. But it’s for the eyes, not the other part you’re thinking about.

73. Everyone should have something to massage their face.

Yes, this one is from Japan. And yes, they never cease to come up with crazy stuff to do to your face.

74. There’s something fishy about these brushes.

Well, these have rainbow mermaid fish tails. So if you have a sea themed vanity, these are for you.

75. Make your skin clean with ocean riches thanks to Givenchy Le Soin Noir with Black Algae Sap.

Actually you might want to go to the beach for the black algae treatment. It will cost less than $390.

76. Smooth these fine lines and wrinkles with Guerlain Orchidee Imperiale Treatment.

From Ranker: “All you need is 28 days and a small fortune to smooth those fine lines and wrinkles.” Well, a small fortune of $1,550 which is more than 3 times the amount I paid for a new laptop.

77. Remove excess hair with this home threading tool.

Yes, you remove hair with this. Still, I think it would be easier to do it with tweezers. Works for me.

78. Get your hair in model shape with hair Velcro.

From Stylecaster: “You know how you always seen backstage beauty shots of models getting ready for the runway with metal clamps around tissue paper holding their hair back? Hair velcro is the same concept, sans clamps and doesn’t leave any kinks or marks as you keep your bangs and baby hairs pulled back while you do your makeup, wash your face, or just want your hair out of your face. They release easily without pulling too since the velcro is shallow.”

79. Get your hair dry with this Harry Josh Pro Tools Pro Dryer 2000.

For $300, this hair dryer should also give you a back massage. Because $300 is a ridiculous price for a hair dryer.

80. Got gray hair? Take these Gray Hair Rescind Capsules.

From Refinery 29: “Why spend a ton of money on regular hair dyes when you can pop a pill to banish those dreaded gray hairs? And, if you like these, perhaps we can interest you in this bottled fairy dust we have over here. “

81. Trinity Facial Toner gives you a face lift at home.

From Refinery 29: “The Nu Face claims to give you a mini face-lift at home with the help of electric micro-currents. We’ve seen it in action, and we can tell you firsthand that it definitely works, but that didn’t stop us from being seriously weirded out that we were repetitively zapping our face with electricity. Also, is it just us, or does this look like something you’d take to bed with you instead of something you’d rub on your face?”

82. Shave your legs and attract your lover with Crazy Girls Wanna Be Naked shaving cream.

From Refinery29: “The Nu Face claims to give you a mini face-lift at home with the help of electric micro-currents. We’ve seen it in action, and we can tell you firsthand that it definitely works, but that didn’t stop us from being seriously weirded out that we were repetitively zapping our face with electricity. Also, is it just us, or does this look like something you’d take to bed with you instead of something you’d rub on your face?”

83. Get smooth feet with the Baby Foot Easy Pack.

From Refinery29: We all want smooth feet, right? Sure — but Baby Foot takes that a step further. You apply the pads, and then a few days later, the skin on your feet peels off in one sheet. Your feet molt. Do a Google search of this product and see the results — we dare you.”

84. To ward off the smell of a silent but deadly, a Flat-D Flatulence Deodorizer is for you.

From Refinery29: “Not only is it a pad that absorbs the smell of your farts, but it’s also reusable. Excuse us while we gag.”

85. Apply your makeup with a Beauty Blender Bling Ring Kit.

From Refinery29: “We swear by the BeautyBlender, but do we really need to worship it on an elaborate, bejeweled throne? You decide.”

86. Do your nails with this Ring Pop nail polish holder.

From Refinery29: “This Ring Pop- shaped contraption holds your polish for you while you paint your nails — in case you are painting your nails in space, for example.” Kind of makes sense.

87. Get the right eye look with these Beth Bender Beauty eyeliner stencils.

From Refinery29: “We have trouble with getting our cat eyes even, sure. But is a protractor really necessary?”

88. Get your hair done with this Robocut Bumblebee Tool.

From Refinery29: “Well, at least this product is innovative. But do you really want a haircut from your vacuum?” No, definitely not.

89. Sure holding your hairdryer is a pain. That’s why there’s Blo & Go portable hair dryer holder.

From Refinery29: “A hands-free hair dryer — what could possibly go wrong?” Recommended best of Hindu gods, apparently.

90. Get your hair conditioned with a Hask Henna ‘n’ Placenta Dual-Action Conditioning Hair Treatment.

From Refinery29: “Placenta hair masks definitely fall under the far, far “beyond” of Bed, Bath, & Beyond.” No, just no. Henna’s fine but placenta? No.

91. Get rid of split ends with this Split-Ender Pro kit.

From Refinery29: “You could spend $250 on a device that supposedly re-seals your split ends. Or, you know, just set aside $45 for a trim. Up to you.” I’ll take $45 for a trim, thank you very much.

92. Keep your lashes tidy with this Upper Lower Lash Applicator Guide Eyelash Comb.

Refinery29: “We’re a little wary using this terrifying, Jaws-like contraption near our eyes, TBH.” Yes, it looks quite menacing.

93. Smell sweet with some Jean Patou Joy Baccarat Pure Parfum.

By the way, only 50 bottles of this stuff are made every year. And they cost $1,800 each. Not worth it.

94. Kre-at Beauty 24 Karat Gold Lashes will give your eyes a golden touch.

From Ranker: ” Beauty
What’s that? You’ve got some 24K gold dust in your eye? Well, the price is definitely something to cry about. ” Costs $236. Also, Lenny Kravitz wore gold eyelashes in The Hunger Games.

95. Let people know how you feel with some mood changing lipstick.

Not sure how this works. But it can possibly go with mood rings and other mood shit.

96. Protect your nails with these nail polish clips on your fingers.

Sure it might seem that you have pincers on your fingers. I know it looks pretty ridiculous.

97. Get that orange glow with some Cheetos bronzer.

From PopSugar: “Whether you’re in need of a novelty gift for your favorite cheese-loving friend or want an instant way to make your face great again, this limited-edition Cheetos bronzer is something you may want to start hunting down online.” Still, why anyone would want a complexion of Donald Trump or an Oompah Loompah is beyond me.

98. This Orogold Cosmetics 24K Nano Night Recovery gives you a golden facial mask.

From Ranker: “Yup, that 24K means gold. Real gold, people! For your face!” Though $1,000 is way too much for a facial treatment.

99. Get resplendent locks with Philip B Russian Amber Imperial Shampoo.

From Ranker: “Photo: Amazon
All you need is just one wash! At least that’s what the website says…” Though $140 is a steep price for a shampoo.

100. For serious dirt removal, try on this Blackhead Removal Peel Off Mask.

Though you might find it at any drugstore, it’s probably best you don’t undergo this treatment in front of your black friends. Because a black facial carries a host of deeply racist implications.

Vintage Food Ads in the Days of Yesteryear (Second Edition)

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Along with alcohol, food is also among the many promoted items during the holiday season. After all, in the United States, Thanksgiving and Christmas are often marked with large feasts among families as well as parties among friends. And you can see this among the incessant holiday advertising on TV which seem to come earlier and earlier with each year. Then again, you find food ads everywhere these days since well, people have to eat in order to live. Yes, the food may not always be good for you or appealing. But hey, what do you know? Nevertheless, you find plenty of vintage food ads on the internet. Some of them might be artistic masterpieces like this Chat Noir above (which is a bistro restaurant in France). Some not so much for various reasons. Some might seem suggestive. Some might feature recipes not fit for human consumption. Some might contain rather misleading information. And some might consist of artwork that somehow pass as creepy. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of vintage food advertising for your unique tastes.

  1. Kids who eat their veggies might want a Jolly Green Giant rag doll.

Not sure what’s freakier, the girl’s terrifying expression or the 4ft green doll. Let’s just say a kid can do without one of these.

2. Pesci Vivi sells delectable fish.

Though seeing a fish chef cooking fish is kind of unsettling. Look I know fish eat other fish, but still.

3. Children always delight in eating Fig Newtons.

“Thanks, Mom, that’s what I need after a long day at school and drowning puppies in the nearby lake. You’re the best.”

4. Big Otis wants kids to eat Kellogg’s OKs.

Sure he may be a big burly Scotsman. But I’m sure Kellogg’s pulled him as a cereal spokesman once kids asked what he wore under his kilt.

5. With Bisquick, you can make your family this elegant tuna ring.

Sorry, but this dish looks really disgusting. And no, I really don’t want to eat it.

6. Meet your own Frankie Doodle Dandy with Swift’s Premium Franks.

By the way, Frankie Doodle Dandy is what some men named Frank call their penis. Okay, I made that up. But I couldn’t pass that one up.

7. Always eat Possum Sweet Potatoes.

Hate to break it, but possums are disgusting creatures. Seeing a few run over by cars, you’d agree with me.

8. No kid could resist Brach’s toffee.

First of all, Brach’s candy is terrible. Second, I bet the girl’s taking some candy that she’ll spike with poison to give to her friends.

9. Husbands always love anything with Heinz Ketchup on it.

Because Heinz Ketchup makes anything appetizing. Even corned beef, poached eggs, and hash browns.

10. Turn vegetables into a treat with Cheez Whiz.

By the way, it’s probably not real cheese. And it will not do wonders to your veggies nutritional value either.

11. Fry’s Chocolate always tastes so good.

But regardless of expression, that kid terrifies me. And I don’t think chocolate will calm him either.

12. Make your breakfast kid friendly with Wheatabix.

Also fine for snacks and supper, too. Though I hope the girl is sprinkling a spoonful of sugar, instead of arsenic. Though looking at her face, I wouldn’t know. Boy’s kind of creepy, too.

13. Campbell’s beef soup makes a manly dish.

Hearty it may be, but it’s hardly good for your arteries due to a high sodium content. Because Campbell’s Mmmm…mmm…salt.

14. With Pillsbury’s flower, you can make yourself a wagon wheel pie.

Think of it as your mother’s chicken pot pie. But more disgusting and unhealthy.

15. Firestix always lasts 23 minutes and costs 10 cents.

Though she’s supposed to be a wholesome kid. But she always takes her Firestix before going on a killing spree.

16. Don’t want to cook dinner, ladies? Take the family to KFC.

Apparently, Colonel Sanders is incredibly sexist. Thus, he calls his coronary inducing cuisine, “wife-savers.”

17. With Carnation Evaporated Milk, you can make delectable dinners like this.

You have to wonder whether people actually eat stuff like this back in the day. Because that’s a dish that will make you lose your appetite.

18. Sure it may not be very nutritious, but Rastus wants you to try Cream of Wheat.

I can see the racism on this ad as clear as day, especially in the text. But at least you have to admire the guy’s honesty. People will buy anything that’s good to eat and cheap.

19. “Sugar can be the willpower you need to undereat.”

Uh, I wouldn’t say that. But I guarantee too much of it can give you Type 2 Diabetes. Seriously, you might not want to eat ice cream before lunch.

20. As an assistant vice president, it’s your job to make the pudding.

Apparently, Jello doesn’t think women can understand office hierarchies. Also, the sexism is very plain to see.

21. “You don’t have to be Jewish to love Levy’s.”

Sure it may not be incredibly racist. But it’s still pretty bad on certain levels.

22. Always go for the Big Patch vegetables.

However, it seems that this kid’s family only works the farm. And his parents are paid wages so low they can’t afford to buy him a new pair of pants.

23. Ladies, buying canned food shouldn’t be shameful.

Still, canned foods aren’t very good for you since they’re preserved in a salty brine. But even that doesn’t detract the sexism in this ad.

24. With these canned foods, you can always diet with delight.

Not sure about that. But the girl in the can is really freaking me out. She seems like the stuff of nightmares for some reason.

25. Sugar Crips is post marked for happy eating.

Okay, the acrobatic bears might be weird. But I really have a bad feeling about that creepy girl looking at them. They better put on a good show or she’ll make sure they’ll never see the light of day again.

26. Hires’ Rootbeer is so good even the dogs will love it.

But that baby doesn’t seem too happy about that. Of course, hope Sparky enjoys his drink because that baby may have murder on the mind.

27. With Armour Treet, you can make these Johnny cake shortcakes.

I can see the heart attacks these shortcakes can cause. Also, they seem rather unappetizing to me.

28. Nothing keeps you warm like Cadbury’s Cocoa.

But once he’s done, he’ll get right back to torturing the neighbor’s cat. Because that’s what psycho kids do for fun.

29. As Art Linkletter noted, the Jolly Green Giant is a big man with the ladies.

Because women love a large green man who promotes vegetables wearing shoes and a short leaf dress. But at least he doesn’t have rage issues like the Incredible Hulk.

30. It’s always red magic time with Heinz Ketchup.

Oh, no, not the scary tomato guy! Please, take him away before he kills anyone!

31. You can’t have old-fashioned gingerbread without Brer Rabbit Molasses.

I’m sure they got the name Brer Rabbit for molasses from the tar baby story. Want to what happened to Brer Rabbit when he put his hands on one?

32. This Indian brave brings you Dippy Canoes.

Because cultural appropriation knows no bounds. Said to taste like Indian corn. Seriously, this guy’s a culture, not an advertising prop for God’s sake.

33. “Remember your first Baby Ruth?”

She may look excited to eat the candy. But mainly because she took it from the neighbor boy she previously threw down a well.

34. You can’t be beat with St. Louis corned beef.

Yet, having the cows with can bodies and walking upright is just freaky. Seriously, who the hell thought this was a good idea?

35. “Okay, pardner…reach for the Karo!”

For one, this half-naked baby cowboy is just lame. But he’s just as terrifying enough to induce nightmares.

36. Handle your hungry man with a can of Campbell’s soup.

Because nothing says manly eating like eating a soup with a high salt content. Campbells, mmmm….salt.

37. “Good things happen…when the lady of the house has soup for lunch.”

For if she doesn’t have her chicken noodle, she will chase you all over the neighborhood wielding a large cleaver. Because with Campbell’s it’s mmm…salt.

38. Trix is always made for kids.

“Mommy, after I eat my Trix, can I borrow your handgun to hunt down that silly rabbit? He’s been lurking in our yard for ages.”

39. Children will enjoy Stokley’s sugar peas.

For sugar peas always go well with the neighbor’s liver and onions. And I don’t mean the animal kind either.

40. Kids always want Log Cabin maple syrup.

Just watch theses kids look at the syrup on their waffles. Though they’d much prefer their breakfast to have blood of the innocents. But cannibalism is illegal.

41. With G. Washington’s Instant Coffee, even a man can make the perfect cup in 5 seconds.

As if men didn’t know how to make a cup of coffee in the 1950s. I’m sure they did and this ad is very sexist.

42. Treat your man right with Batchelor’s foods.

Yet, calling the guy a “guest husband” just wracks my head. Would a better word be “boyfriend?”

43. With Campell’s mushroom soup, you can make some tuna and waffles.

After all, when you’ve smoked pot all day, you’ll need something to satisfy the munchies. For God’s sake, waffles should only be for breakfast.

44. “Promise you’ll taste the nifty new Ritz!”

Because if you don’t, she’ll take you to her torture dungeon and hold you over a fiery it by your ankles. If you think I’m crazy, ask those who live to tell the tale.

45. Be vital and vigorous with Morrell E-Z Serve liver loaf.

Because nothing makes a family happy like liver. You know the kind of meat everyone ingests like foul tasting cold medicine.

46. Make it a festive party with Libby’s Juice Jamboree.

Though serving juice on a kid’s hat may not be good idea. Basically it’s an accident waiting to happen.

47. Kids dig Welch’s Cocoanut bar.

It’s basically a coconut chocolate bar which is disgusting. Still, if it keeps those kiddies from killing you, it might be worth buying.

48. Hire’s Rootbeer is the great health drink.

Yet, this little one will chase the cat with a knife once he’s done. So you might want to get Friskies in a safe place while you still can.

49. Men always love a raisin pudding pie.

Though he might have to be a sick psycho like this guy. Because raisins are turds made to resemble chocolate chips but aren’t.

50. If your husband yawns at the table, treat him to Heinz tomato soup.

Since when is yawning at the table a problem? Chances are the guy’s just tired after a long, stressful day at work. Not everything a guy does has to do with his wife’s actions.

51. California vegetables are always the aristocrats of the crop.

Because nothing says high class like a villain from a Dickens novel with a monocle and slasher smile. Seriously, I’m wondering if California vegetables used the face of Jack the Ripper in their ad campaigns.

52. You can’t make cakes without Dr. Price’s vanilla extract.

Though if you don’t give the maid her pay raise, she will spike this cake with rat poison. Just ask the last guy she worked for. Oh, wait you can’t.

53. With Might Dog, your pooch always receives the best.

Though Spot always takes his food seriously. Though he thinks wearing a chef’s hat and bib makes him look like a complete idiot.

54. “Are you woman enough to buy a man’s mustard?”

Now that’s a really stupid question. Seriously, why should that even matter? Mustard is mustard.

55. Pastificio S. Bonetti is oozing with prime pasta.

Look, I understand how Italians love their pasta. But I didn’t know they’d love it so much to be caught with it in a compromising position.

56. Kids will always enjoy Van Camp’s pork and beans.

Well, assuming your child is a budding psychokiller. I’m sure little Bobby will go back with setting the cat on fire after he’s done.

57. “Sugar keeps your energy up and your appetite down.”

Sorry, but sugar doesn’t help you lose weight. In fact, it might contribute to obesity, heart disease, and Type II diabetes.

58. Snag a man with Underwood deviled ham sandwiches.

Seriously? The sandwich case? Sorry, but a man can make his own damn sandwich. This is sexist on so many levels.

59. Whitman’s chocolates make a fine Mother’s Day gift.

From Relish: “This advertiser knew exactly how to distinguish Whitman’s chocolates: market the product as a gift your wife will give right back to you.” Bet the guy will get the ones the wife doesn’t like.

60. Get your kids to eat veggies with this Jolly Green Giant foot rug.

From Relish: “Are your kids eating their vegetables? If not, try giving them one of these fuzzy, green foot rugs to make them crave veggies! This unique attempt to make green beans and corn more fun is appreciated, but it is unlikely that a furry rug of a foot will make anything appetizing.”

61. “Nothing says party like a Sara Lee cake!”

From Relish: “Sara Lee knows what’s up—who needs friends when you have chocolate cake? Her face says it all: ‘I’m not going out because I have cake, and lots of it.’ Add sweatpants and Netflix and the party is complete.”

62. Go to the beach with your own Campbell’s can bag.

From Relish: “Nothing about hot Campbell’s soup makes us think about the beach, but that didn’t stop Campbell’s from turning their product into a portable beach bag.” Then again, the ocean is full of salt. And so is Campbell’s soup. Mmmm salt.

63. Velveeta is a full of health from milk.

From Relish: “Let’s get one thing straight—just because a product is made with a beneficial ingredient, does not make it healthy. Velveeta tries its best to be convincing here, but we’re not buying it.”

64. McDonald’s takes care of 55% of your daily protein needs.

However, that doesn’t means a McDonald’s meal is necessarily good for you. Because it isn’t.

65. Even babies enjoy Nestle’s condensed milk.

Because you don’t want to see this little one when she’s angry. Otherwise, she will make you pay with your life.

66. “Wouldn’t I be silly to make it myself?”

Well, considering that Campbell’s soups have high salt contents, then no. Still, I think the woman seems to have murder on the mind.

67. Someone wants another glass of Hires’ Rootbeer.

Don’t look now but I’m sure that baby might prefer to drink the blood of the innocents. But he’ll settle for rootbeer.

68. After the game, boys always relish in the joy of good eating with Van Camp’s pork and beans.

“I whacked the pitcher real good with my bat. He screamed like a little girl as I bludgeoned the living crap out of him. Never had so much fun in my life.”

69. Miss Sunbeam wants you to have some Sunbeam bread.

Because if you don’t, she’ll go into your house and murder you and your family. Sure she may look innocent. But she’s a murderous psychopath who will bring you a slow and painful death.

70. Always use Arm and Hammer baking soda on your delectable treats.

And yet, this one features a scary clown. Best to skip this frightening circus unless you’re into Stephen King. Because the clown could easily murder you.

Vintage Spirits Advertising of Yesterday (Second Edition)

Alcohol Ads of the 1900s (1)

Disclaimer: This post is not for those under the legal age of 21. Those over 21 please drink responsibly. Thank you. Okay I was just kidding with that one.

Whether you’re getting ready to celebrate the holidays, are trying to cope with the Trump administration, or have a beer with your friends during a big game, chances are you’re probably familiar with alcoholic drinks. Back in the day, our ancestors had somewhat different attitudes to booze depending on what kind of people they were. On one hand, you have temperance people who saw alcohol as terrible since it ruined families and the like. But on the other hand, you have people where alcohol is so integral to their culture that they see no problem with kids drinking beer. Or monks brewing beer in German monasteries like they did at Saint Vincent College. Anyway, it shouldn’t be any surprise why the major beer labels in America are German and from the Midwest. However, though Germans have a high value on beer, it’s not the only alcoholic beverage they drink since we also have German wines such Champagne and Zinfindel. Anyway, many of these vintage ads might echo rather antiquated ideas about our society nor have aged well at any stretch. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another installment of booze ads from yesteryear.

  1. For bowling night, you’d always strike with Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Sure it might seem like a harmless bowling scene. Until you see that everyone in this has blue ribbon appendages. Then it’s just creepy.

2. Budweiser always gives you good times.

Now here’s a rather racist ad. Sure the black guy’s is supposed to be depicted as an eager servant. But looking at his imposing face he appears quite menacing. So I wouldn’t drink any of that beer if I were you.

3. Flirt Vodka can be quite appealing.

Though looking at her bruised knees, I don’t think this ad conveys a good message. Let’s hope she just had a party mishap.

4. Have a merry cherry with Kijafa, a Danish cherry wine.

Yet, the word “cherry” has an R-rated connotation that I can’t really discuss. But notice how that woman has mistletoe in her hand.

5. “‘Sweet’ on whiskey sours? Make your next drink Green River.”

But how he has such humongous hands is another matter. Seriously, they’re like totally out of proportion to his body.

6. Without Schlitz, you can’t have beer.

However, looking at the clown’s eyes, I suggest you give him some Schlitz now. Otherwise, he’ll get angry and kidnap your children.

7. Schlitz: the preeminent beer for clowns.

Sure this clown might be happy now. But once the booze wears off, he won’t be funny in the moonlight.

8. Wolfschmidt Genuine Vodka is in the spirit of the Czar.

Sure vodka is associated with Russia. But Wolfschmidt seems kind of Germanic to me. Then again, Catherine the Great was a German aristocrat and plenty of czars had German ancestry. So it oddly fits.

9. Schlitz, the beer of choice for American cowboys.

Yet, Schlitz is the beer for male bonding after a long day at the ranch. Still, the bottom scene seems kind of like Brokeback Mountain to me.

10. On the slopes, grab a cold Heiney.

Yet, I’m not sure about those Heineken snow suits. One of the women looks kind of embarrassed that people would see her and think she resembles a can.

11. Bacardi Rum is what they serve in Hell.

Still, if you see this guy behind the glasses, you might want to take a drink. For he already seems disappointed in you. Might not want to anger him even further.

12. Anisetta Evangelisti is the perfect liquor for dessert. Just ask this chimp.

However, despite that people think chimps are funny and loveable, they can be quite nasty. Also, why the hell would you want a chimp drink booze?

13. Even King Kong drinks Miller beer.

Though it wouldn’t help him climb the Empire State Building. Or avoid airplanes. Now that I think of it, how could King Kong even grab a beer? That makes no sense.

14. Bacardi is the rum of America’s favorite cocktails.

But would you want a drink with this guy? Sure he might be okay, but the pervy stache doesn’t help matters.

15. Everyone’s calling it on Early Times whiskey.

How old are these baseball players supposed to be? Because I find it hard to think they’re 21 or over.

16. Gordon’s Gin contains medicinal properties.

Actually, Gordon’s or not, gin is the worst thing for your liver. Let’s just say taking it as medicine isn’t the smartest idea.

17. For real morning after relief, drink a Pluto highball.

So this ad states, if you want to relieve a hangover, drink more booze in the morning. Because chances are you’re probably an alcoholic at this point.

18. The secret to a great holiday party is lots of mistletoe and Seagram’s Extra Dry.

So basically, you can’t have a great Christmas party without tons of boozy sex. Not what I’d call drinking responsibly.

19. Pabst beer prepares for the joys of motherhood.

Actually, if you’re pregnant, you better stay away from the booze, especially during the first trimester. Because it puts the developing baby at risk for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

20. With a Heineken, even your beer gives you a beer.

Well, this is hard to explain. Someone must’ve been under the influence to come up with this.

21. O-fl Extract Malt always builds people up.

Look, I know kids are cute and cuteness sells. But putting a child next to a bottle of booze isn’t appropriate. Seriously, there’s a reason why the drinking age is 21.

22. Ballantine beer is the preeminent drink for those in horse costumes.