We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Fourth Edition)

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Another familiar Christmas tradition that has endured is the Christmas card which people still send to each other during the holiday season. Though not to the same degree they once did like in the Victorian Era which saw the earliest ones. Actually the Victorian Era was a time when Christmas really became a big deal in much of the western world. Now some of these cards might evoke the kind of Christmas ideals you might imagine in a Dickens novel. But some of these seem to defy all explanation. Others will totally creep you out. Whereas many will embody both characteristics. Then there are some from the early 1900s that don’t do much better. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage Christmas cards your great grandparents didn’t want you to see.

  1. These cat musicians bring you tidings of good cheer.

Though to be honest, would you really want to listen to cats sing? Didn’t think so.

2. Christmas is the time of year to call your wife a prize package.

Though calling one’s wife a “prize package” seems kind of sexist. Well, as far as this card is concerned.

3. Santa wishes you a Merry Christmas by jet.

Okay, this is from a Soviet card. But still, this makes Santa look rather Godzilla sized. Guess reindeer magic can only go so far.

4. “Hurrah for Jolly Christmas, with all sorts of toys!”

However, I wouldn’t say the same for the goose. Since it’s being chased by a bunch of kids. One of whom wields a knife.

5. While ice skating, you’ll find Santa under the mistletoe.

Look, I know what mistletoe means in these vintage things. The answer is “No.”

6. “Care to sit on my lap, sweetie?”

I don’t like where Santa has his finger on this kid. Dear Lord, someone please call the police!

7. Compliments of the season from a monkey painting a dog’s portrait.

Well, at least the dog stands like a statue. However, I don’t see monkeys as having much artistic talent. But you never know.

8. Santa salutes those in space.

Another Soviet Christmas card. Nevertheless, note how the cosmonaut’s riding the rocket.

9. Merry Christmas from the cats on the bed.

And it seems like the dark cat wants to get frisky. But the white cat has other ideas. Also, are undressing?

10. May cycling owls bestow on you warm Christmas greetings.

Why do owls need to be on bikes to deliver stuff? Couldn’t they just fly? The ones on Harry Potter do just that.

11. Best wishes for Christmas from the beach.

Why the hell would you include sea creatures on Christmas cards? Doesn’t really make sense.

12. “A merry Christmas day!/Happy, bright, and gay!/Fortune guard you aye,/Like a brave dog Tray!”

Seems like this dog doesn’t seem too happy. More like disgusted over not getting the best table scraps.

13. Season’s greetings from a dog who likes to stay informed.

Apparently, he’s checking on the racing stats. He reportedly has money on the Fresno Stud.

14. For the best presents, always hang a large stocking at your bed for Santa.

Note that she’s holding a whip just in case Santa doesn’t give her what she wants. Like a doll mansion.

15. “May your Xmas be as bright as purest gold.”

But somehow, you have kangaroos mining and panning for it in Australia. And I’m sure they’re getting paid pennies a day for their troubles.

16. Speaking of kangaroos, some of them possess significant artistic talent.

Also, get a load on those hopping slippers. Still, these two gentlemen animals enjoy their smoking breaks.

17. Apparently, they don’t seem to make Christmas movies like they used to.

And you thought movies inspired trauma and nightmares now. Here we have a guy with a knife chasing a goose. Evidently it’s fun for the whole family.

18. Nothing says, “Merry Christmas, sweetheart,” like a dead messenger moth.

Okay, the inscription is quite unsettling since it involves a moth being a go-between and dying of exhaustion. How is that supposed to be merry, I have no idea.

19. “Every good wish for your Christmas” from frogs in boots with umbrellas.

Sure those frogs seem like they’re about to enter a line of fire. But the umbrellas kill the badass pose from there.

20. Flower children wish you a happy Christmas.

By “flower children” we mean flowers with kids’ heads on them. You know what nightmares are made of.

21. “Wishing you a merry Christmas” from two insect musicians.

Something tells me that the bee and the grasshopper will never be seen again after this. Because the bird will most definitely eat them.

22. Even Satan himself sends his regards on Christmas.

This card basically says, “I’m too broke to give you a present so I’ll send this instead.” Let’s hope this isn’t addressed to a close family member or significant other.

23. “A right merry Christmas for you” from a couple of circus clowns.

Guess this is a scene from the Victorian Era rendition of It. And I guess this is a 19th century Pennywise who’s even scarier.

24. You should always wish everyone a “Merry Christmas” even when being chased by island natives.

Boy, this evokes racist and colonialist stereotypes on all kinds of levels. I’m sure the natives are suggested to be cannibals on here.

25. “With love and good wishes for a happy Christmas,” from a bunch of drenched toys.

Seems like a rather politically incorrect version of Toy Story. And yes, there’s the blackface Golliwog who’s basically a racist caricature.

26. Santa makes a toast for Christmas.

Go home, Santa Claus. You seem like you’ve drunk too much wine. No wonder so many kids get the wrong present.

27. A black cat always looks forward to Christmas pudding.

Comment from Bored Panda reads: “Plot twist: the “beloved” family cat, namely ‘Mr. Bartholemeow Giggly-Bumpkins’, ate the original pudding as the oblivious humans enjoyed their hearty Christmas dinner, and in its place he put a pile of his pudding-excrement-filled cat litter, in order to finally take revenge on the humans for giving him such an atrocious name!”

28. Christmas greetings from the one who can’t get out of their shell.

This seems more appropriate for Easter than Christmas. Wonder if this is the unfortunate lovechild of Humpty Dumpty and Mother Goose.

29. “A jolly Christmas” to those who aren’t having the best of it.

So a kid falls into a frozen lake and is probably suffering from hypothermia. And this is jolly? Also why aren’t the other two kids helping him?

30. “While Christmas is here, be all of good cheer.”

Though I’m not sure how kids can smile while hauling large logs in the snow for the fire. But in Victorian times, child labor was rampant. Poor kids.

31. “Christmas greetings for the sake of Auld Lang Syne.”

For nothing inspires “Peace on Earth” like a Scottish soldier in a kilt uniform wielding a gun attached with a bayonet. Gives you an idea when it was made.

32. Even Santa likes to deck the halls with bows of holly.

Okay, that’s guaranteed to haunt your dreams. Doesn’t help that he’s making a list and checking it twice.

33. Apparently, babies aren’t spared from the Krampus’s wrath.

Those poor little tots. Seems like the Krampus is going to put them to the pitchfork. That’ll sure induce lifelong trauma.

34. Better be good for goodness sake, kids, or else the Krampus will kidnap and torture you.

Yes, kids, if you act like a brat, the Krampus will subject you to this. And no, your screams won’t save you.

35. Nobody is safe when the Krampus visits.

This seems straight from a horror movie. And yes, he’s already got at least one kid. So hide if you can.

36. Merry Christmas from Frosty the Snowman.

Why is Frosty warming himself by the fire? You what that will do to him. I mean fire practically melts him. Seriously, this doesn’t make sense.

37. Apparently, Santa has ditched the sleigh for rocket travel.

And he seems to bring helpers, too. But they seem to resemble garden gnomes.

38. Christmas time is always time for carols.

Though I’d almost think she’s singing to Cats. “Memory, all alone in the moon light…”

39. Rabbits and owls always enjoy playing games on Christmas.

Though if you know anything about nature, you know this won’t end well. Mostly because owls see rabbits as prey.

40. Children always wish good cheer to all on Christmas.

Though the kid is dressed like the Grim Reaper. And it seems more likely to inspire nightmares than good cheer.

41. Pine cone Santa wishes you a merry Christmas.

Yet, he’s putting a nut in his sack. No doubt this was made under the influence of drugs.

42. Nothing says Christmas like clowns terrorizing you at the barbershop.

And you wonder why people are afraid of clowns. These two are just cutting his hair and applying paste to his chin. Innocent fun? Certainly not. This is terrifying.

43. This year, the rats celebrate Christmas feasting on a dead cat.

Think about a Tom and Jerry cartoon straight from a horror movie. Apparently to these guys, Christmas is about taking revenge on one’s enemies.

44. “Merry Christmas to you” from the kid building his fort.”

Sure the cat may look on now. But once the guy’s away, it’ll topple the boy’s creation.

45. Naked man likes to wish you a merry Christmas.

Still, he should at least put something on. After all, we all know most dress codes usually operate on a “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy.

46. Christmas parties are always a fun time.

“Not now, Herman, people will see us. Let’s just wait until they’re dancing and then we’ll do it.”

47. Now your little one can have their own Krampus plush toy.

Because some children want to bask into the dark side of Christmas. Still, this is just messed up.

48. Sometimes on Christmas you may have little Asian people serve you while you’re sleeping.

Talk about depicting racist attitudes under the influence of drugs. Not sure how this card came to exist. Also, what’s with the onion?

49. Santa Claus wishes you a Merry Christmas.

Bet these kids are like, “Please don’t come near us! You’re scaring us!” Talk about a hostage situation.

50. Children are always excited for Christmas coming.

Though seeing them wearing signs with emotionless faces gives me the creeps. Santa better give them presents or there will be hell to pay.

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Ghastly Halloween Greetings in the Ghoulish Days of Old (Third Edition)

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Now it’s on to vintage Halloween greeting cards. Whenever I do a post on holiday greeting cards, I usually go for the vintage lot mostly since they have a lot of crazy imagery that don’t hold up in contemporary times. Not to mention, people sent greeting cards to each other way more often than today. Well at least it seems that way. Halloween cards are no exception. Many of these cards use very creepy illustrations sometimes depicting stuff that doesn’t make sense to the modern eye. Sometimes figures aren’t drawn right that they look unintentionally creepy like children. And sometimes the inscription might contain a suggestive message correlating to the image, which I most often see on vintage valentines. Some of these cards could be outright offensive at a demographic stand point. But regardless of what you might see, you’d probably wouldn’t send these cards to a loved one any time soon. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasure trove of vintage Halloween cards time forgot.

  1. A large lit jack-o-lantern sets a black cat’s fur on end.

Though I think the cat’s more freaked out by the kid who’s threatening to whack him with a broomstick. Though that jack-o-lantern is creepy.

2. Nobody’s happier on Halloween than a pumpkin head child with gold teeth.

However, this pumpkin kid has inspired countless nightmares ever since. Seriously, anyone would be freaked out by this.

3. Halloween is always a time of year to casually converse with floating jack-o-lanterns.

Because there’s nothing crazy about talking to floating pumpkins under candle light. Okay, little Jimmy may be a little eccentric. But please understand him.

4. “May you have a jolly Halloween!”

However, neither of these kids holding pumpkins seem jolly. More like the kids who showed up at a Halloween party without a costume.

5. Flying a broom at night is thrilling for this pumpkin head kid.

Not sure what’s creepier. Seeing a crone witch flying on a broom in the sky or this. At least flying witches don’t give you nightmares.

6. If you let the candle drip in the water on Halloween, the face of your soulmate will appear.

Guess this is a superstition but I don’t think love works that way. Also, how is that guy sitting without a chair?

7. Cats and little girls are always Halloween chums.

This girl’s like “I’ll love em’ and squeeze em,’ and keep em’ forever and ever.” Cat makes a face like someone in a hostage situation.

8. “A happy future/I hope you will see/On Hallow’een in a cup of tea.”

Not sure if I can go on with that idea. Still, hope the girl doesn’t look at that fairy. Eeek.

9. Happy Halloween from the living human squash garden.

The fact these have pumpkin and squash heads and human bodies make them terrifying enough. You could almost make a horror movie with these.

10. Pumpkin head scarecrow wishes you a joyous Halloween.

Because he’s the only thing keeping you safe from these freaky children. Their smiles are particularly menacing.

11. Terrifying boy with broomstick wishes you a jolly Halloween.

Looking at that kid’s face makes me feel for the whimpering jack-o-lantern. Hate to think of what that boy will do with that broom.

12. Demons and squash people relish in a Halloween feast.

I don’t know why these squash people exist in these Halloween cards. Yet one really seems to enjoy the chocolate box.

13. “Ho! For a Merry Hallowe’en!”

Seems like the jack-o-lantern wants the kid to climb into his mouth in order to devour him. And the moon’s relishing watching the whole thing. Maybe Linus should be glad the Great Pumpkin never came to his neck of the woods.

14. You can’t have a Halloween party without inviting a small moon man.

I’ve heard of the man in the moon. But I had no idea that he had a human body and wears a suit. Still, seems to like tall girls fro some reason.

15. “Pumpkin head I would like to be/If in your arms you would take me.”

Look, I know this is supposed to be a card someone sent to their sweetheart. But the terrifying pumpkins in the background just freak me out.

16. Stay safe on Halloween and watch out for flying jack-o-lanterns.

And you thought the wolf was bad enough for Little Red Riding Hood. Run for your life from those pumpkins! For they will only bring you death.

17. Apparently, nobody wants a visit from the jack-o-lantern ghost.

Still, I’m not sure if the jack-o-lantern is really a head. Or if it’s just on top on its head. Maybe I don’t want to know.

18. Witches on broomsticks always fly by night.

Yet, the man in the moon always likes to gaze at the young witch’s best attributes. Which makes the cats terrified and brings scorn from the owl.

19. Happy Halloween from the hulking depressed ghost.

Guess someone’s not in a scary mood this Halloween night. Not sure what the witch and small scarecrow think otherwise.

20. Bobbing for apples is always Halloween fun.

However, a white girl dressed as an Indian falls under cultural appropriation. Not exactly offensive like the Cleveland Indians logo but still.

21. Children always look forward to Halloween night.

Yet, black cats seem to be afraid of everything. This one absolutely dreads a small child’s embrace and for good reason.

22. “On All-hallows Eve,/When the hour is late,/Pull a root from the garden/And meet your fate.”

Yet, a root with a face and appendages just defies all concepts of biology. Also, what’s this about pulling up root veggies for Halloween?

23. May you see your dream boat in your mirror on Halloween, thanks to witch coming from a pumpkin.

She’s probably freaked out by the witch coming from the pumpkin. Though she might want to look at her ginger dream guy in the mirror. Yet, she’s not paying attention.

24. There’s nothing more fun on Halloween than stealing the occasional jack-o-lantern.

And those trick or treaters should be lucky that the policeman chasing them doesn’t have a gun. Though the ghost kid looks straight out of a horror movie.

25. Halloween greetings from a little red hatted witch.

However, as she sorts her mail, she devises her own little evil plan. So if you see her, you might want to run away from her like hell.

26. Sometimes even witches wouldn’t want to go near a pumpkin headed scarecrow.

Though this guy doesn’t seem able to go anywhere so he might want some companionship. Then again, we’ve probably heard all about Donald Trump’s sexual assault allegations. So I wouldn’t blame the witch here.

27. Everyone always wants to take part in a Halloween parade.

However, you wouldn’t want to take part in this procession. And the fact the pumpkin lanterns also seem to enjoy it only inspires more nightmares. Seriously, why?

28. “At twelve o’clock you must be ready,/And hold your pumpkin good and steady/For by its rays of candle light/On Halloween all things are bright!”

However, the moon behind this witch seems to give her a massive pervo stare. Wonder why she doesn’t feel uncomfortable here.

29. Halloween night might startle you with an occasional fright once in awhile.

I’m sure the cat’s freaked out by the sight of the squash people. Because these squash people are the stuff of nightmares.

30. “The time has come/For the witches’ dance,/And the spooks from far and near/Will gather and make merry/For Halloween is here.”

Though being stared down by a giant jack-o-lantern cannot be a pleasant experience. The green goblins look kind of freaky, too.

31. Remember if you go out alone on Halloween night, you’ll be in for a fright.

Yet, that couple might not want to mind the terrifying jack-o-lantern in the window. Kind of seems evil for some reason.

32. Squash people can’t resist a piece of cake.

Though they sure look terrifying eating it. Still, I swear these guys were a product of some 19th century drug trip.

33. On Halloween night, don’t miss the charms of the witching hour.

Yet, that laughing pumpkin moon just gives me the creeps. And I think the white cat agrees with me.

34. Nothing beats trick or treating on Halloween.

Not sure if this kid’s even wearing costume. Then again, he probably doesn’t need one since he looks pretty terrifying already.

35. A witch’s cauldron should always bring all the spirits in  view.

Yes, those faces will give you nightmares. But what’s with that masked person?

36. “Could I borrow a witch’s flying machine/I’d visit you on Hallow’een.”

Yet, this witch doesn’t seem to fly her broom right. Apparently, the broom part is supposed to be down.

37. Apparently, nobody wants to see flying jack-o-lanterns on a cow.

Well, if I were that woman, I’d be flipping out in fright, too. Those jack-o-lantern smiles are just terrifying.

38. Seems like this black cat really doesn’t like what’s coming out of that cauldron.

Then again, it’s not like I’d blame the cat for anything. Because I thought those cauldrons were just for magic potions.

39. If you want to know your fortune, pull out a beet from your garden at midnight.

Still, the gnome fairy is just incredibly freaky looking. Also, going out in your garden for a beet to read your future? What the hell?

40. No feat is greater on Halloween than carving a giant pumpkin in the patch.

Now we know where the Great Pumpkin came from. Still, can’t really see a kid doing this. Also, you don’t see a lot of stuff lying around. I mean don’t you have to shell out the contents first?

41. If you look in the mirror on Halloween, the fiend will show you the person you marry.

Though I wouldn’t want to look at the white fiend behind if I were him. Also, I don’t think he’s pleased with what he’s seeing.

42. Beware what you find in that old grandfather clock.

Seems like the cat looked and its fur already stands on end. Still, bound to give you nightmares.

43. Keep an eye out for ghosts on Halloween night.

And yes, the ghosts seem like they’re straight out of some horror film. One of them is about to reach for that woman’s shoulder. Freaky.

44. You can always make merry on the drum on Halloween night.

However, the drum doesn’t seem to look happy at all. Also, the cats are parading around mice, which they eat.

45. You never know what you’ll run into on Halloween night.

Or who will be coming home with brown on the seat of their pants. Though seeing a ghostly figure in the woods will freak out just about anyone.

46. There’s nothing scarier than being chased by a jack-o-lantern on legs.

Yes, you’d probably run away from that, too. But the kids seem substantially creepier to me, especially the one getting trampled.

47. Bobbing for apples is always a wholesome Halloween activity.

Though this guy’s wondering which of the twins he wants to make out with. Or he just wants to gape at one of the girl’s drenched pink dress.

48. Happy Halloween, courtesy of Nightmare man.

Surely wouldn’t want to see that guy riding on a broomstick upside down. Yet, the woman with the jack-o-lantern doesn’t seem to mind.

49. May cats in jack-o-lantern hot air balloons bring you Halloween joys.

Even the owl can’t believe what it’s witnessing at the moment. Yes, that’s probably inspired by some drug trip.

50. As you know, jack-o-lanterns can come in so many faces.

Yet, each one of these pumpkins is rather eerie in its own way. Particularly if they have teeth.

Easter Greetings from the Days of Yesteryear (Third Edition)

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Now that I have peep dioramas down, it’s onto vintage Easter greeting cards. Now the card above is from Russia depicting a bus or carriage filled with spring flowers. Nevertheless, it’s a beautiful card. Anyway, greeting cards have always been a staple of holidays, especially during the olden days. And Easter is no exception. As I said before in my greeting card posts, we tend to view a lot of the past with rose colored glasses as well as imagine it as a more wholesome and refined time than it actually was. With Easter greeting cards, vintage ones might include cutesy imagery to melt your heart or beautiful illustrations like you see above. However, like my other greeting card posts, if you want the sweet vintage Easter cards with cute little bunnies, chicks, lambs, and any other animals all living in harmony, well, you’ve come to the wrong place. Because the Easter greeting cards I show here will either creep you out or have you scratching your head. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another collection of Easter cards your grandparents don’t want you to see.

  1. “So how much will it be for the yellow egg, ma’am?”

Notice the hen selling eggs. Remember that chickens lay them and hatch from them. So she’s most likely selling her own children, assuming they’re fertilized.

2. In Russia, it’s a tradition for children to kiss each other on the lips during the Easter season.

Uh, aren’t they’re a bit young for that? Then again, Russia has always been a miserable place.

3. “Now when these girls approach us, we throw these eggs right at them.”

Seems likes the last time these women will wear their spring dresses for a long time. So remember to watch out for egg wielding rabbits while outside.

4. On second thought, Tommy should’ve used plush rabbits for his Easter basket instead.

Using live bunnies for Easter baskets are never a good idea. Also, these bunnies are like, “We’re free! We’re free! Let’s get out of here before they kill us.”

5. On Easter, it’s well-known for chicks to compete in rowing contests.

Though I’m not sure about the water content here. Looks really brown. Also, what the hell?

6. Spring always marks the time for chicks to come out of their eggshells.

Okay, not those chicks. Even the feathery chickies are like, “What the fuck?” Seeing it’s from France, I guess absinthe had something to do with this design.

7. Apparently, these children decided to see chicks hatching a the wrong henhouse.

Then again, if I were the rooster, I’d charge at the boy, too. Because he seems to have a future as a budding serial killer.

8. You can’t have some Easter greetings without some circus dogs.

And I’m not kidding. But you have to be impressed by how Rover juggles eggs. Amazing.

9. There’s nothing more delightful on Easter than a jack-in-the-box bunny.

On second thought, that thing is absolutely terrifying. From how I see it, the chicks don’t have long to live.

10. Nothing melts your heart like seeing a child snuggling with a bunny and holding chicks.

Or as I see it the child’s like, “I’ll hug ’em, and squeeze ’em, and keep ’em forever and ever.” The bunny on the other hand, is thinking, “Oh, God help me!”

11. Easter greetings from the garden gnomes riding chickens.

And it seems like they don’t treat the chickens very well. Because they don’t seem very happy.

12. I guess this family comes hardboiled.

For God’s sake, egg people? Now that’s just really fucked up if you asked me. Seriously, why?

13. All happiness for Easter from the chicks in in the car.

Apparently, there’s that one chick who’s not enjoying the ride. Then again, having to sit on the floor isn’t much fun either.

14. Instead of the Chicken dance, chicks prefer the congo line.

Why the kids form an arch as the chicks come in, I have no idea. Nor do the chicks, apparently.

15. For an injured chick, a Jewish egg bar is always the place to go.

This just looks so wrong on so many levels. Seriously, a Jewish egg bar? Come on.

16. Nothing says best wishes on Easter like rooster riding bunnies about to slaughter each other on the battlefield.

I guess this goes along the lines of “With best Easter wishes that you may die an honorable death in battle.” Because these bunnies are at all out war for God’s sake.

17. Perhaps a romantic bunny dinner can’t be without some flowers from a chick.

However, I think Peter Cottontail just wants to have sex with Flopsy and not much else. And I think Flopsy is thinking about getting the hell out and dodge.

18. “Hey, a bunny walking chicks on a leash.”

The rabbit is like, “Listen, sweetie. Pretend this never happened.” Also, what’s with the Easter eggs growing on trees?

19. For rabbits, there’s nothing like a nice quiet morning with the family.

Except with Mopsy and Cottontail fighting each other the carrot and lettuce. Meanwhile, everyone else pretends not to notice.

20. “Look, everyone, no hands.”

Meanwhile, Hutch’s friends are taking bets on when the egg basket will fall on his head. And they’re watching because they think it’d be hilarious. Hutch is such a show-off.

21. Here we come to a little chick enjoying an egg.

Hate to say this but, that ain’t right. I mean isn’t a chick eating from an egg cannibalism? Disturbing.

22. “Back off, girl, can’t you see I’m closed? Come back later.”

Sorry, but I don’t think the Easter Bunny is in the best mood right now. So if you need eggs, too bad.

23. As an adult Peter Rabbit and his buddies would steal objects from Mr. McGregor’s house and form a band.

They were known as the Jack Rabbits and would revolutionize stomp music forever. Not sure why they have eggs though.

24. Nothing brings a happy Easter like a bunny and chick near an egg.

From Popthomology: “Insane Albino Bunny Lord demands more and more from Slave Chick.” So if Slave Chick brings more clover, will he get his unborn sibling back?

25. There’s nothing more thrilling than a chick bicycle race.

Kind of impressed how their feet can meet the pedals. However, they’re not wearing helmets.

26. If chick bike races aren’t your thing, then you might like a rabbit back race.

So there are chick jockeys riding on rabbits like they’re horses. And I thought the chick bike race was crazy. This is unbelievable.

27. A rooster is always a distinguished gentleman.

Though why it has people hands just freaks me out. Just doesn’t look right on him. Also, why is he using an egg like an accessory?

28. “Happy Easter from our henhouse to yours.”

Okay, this is just even freakier. Why the hell does this chicken family have human faces? That’s just really fucked up.

29. Of course, you can always send a religious Easter card. Usually nothing goes wrong there.

Since Jesus resurrected from the dead on Easter, a child now breaks from an egg and rains Easter eggs for all the children. Okay, that’s just wrong.

30. Easter is always a time of family togetherness.

“I’m sorry, kids, but Daddy’s never coming home for Easter since he stepped on a mine in No Man’s Land. But I’m sure he’s here in spirit watching over us. We just won’t see him.”

31. It’s always a thrill to see a chick and rabbit dance.

Yes, I know it’s kind of strange to see rabbits and chicks dancing with each other. The chick band doesn’t seem impressed.

32. Benjamin Bunny always carries a slate board and pussy willows.

How he manages to draw anything, I have absolutely no idea. But the stash seems carrot shaped.

33. For a rooster to lay eggs with chickens, he must know how to serenade her.

It helps if the rooster knows a musical instrument like a lute. Because his singing might wake up the neighborhood during the night.

34. These bunnies always know some tricks.

And it seems that the rabbit crowd loves it. Had it be a musician, it might’ve started some unstoppable breeding.

35. A child shall lead some sheep pulling an egg on a chariot.

Nevertheless, there’s something really disturbing about this. It seems that after the egg is at its destination, those lambs are mutton.

36. “Ladies and gentlemen, all aboard on the Easter Express.”

Those eggs look huge for some reason. Also, what’s with the bunnies operating a train?

37. “They’re gaining on us! Load the anti-aircraft egg cannon!”

For nothing says Easter like using colored eggs as ammunition. They’re even used to shoot down enemy airplanes.

38. Easter is always a time for eggs to find love.

Except for that one egg at the receptacle. Let’s hope he doesn’t end up like Humpty Dumpty. Also, why?

39. Seems like Jack Frost messed with the wrong herd of rabbits.

Here they have him on an egg and beaten senseless. Because bunnies show no mercy.

40. Happy Easter, compliments of the eggshell boat races.

Wonder how rabbits manage to fit in them. And why are they using on one oar? Shouldn’t they just have oars you use for kayaks?

41. Bunnies always enjoy a nice quiet tea now and then.

However, even Mopsy wants to know why Randall has to smoke his long pipe at the table. It just look strange like a hookah or something.

42. Even chicks like to take a vacation on the high seas.

Though in this case, the crowd at the dock is waiting for arrival at port. And they’re all carrying egg baskets for some reason.

43. Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Rabbit, it’s a girl.

However, everyone will know she’s adopted since it’s obvious. But I’m sure they’ll treat her like their other children. Though I’m sure they can’t keep track of them all.

44. “How about we go for a swing in an eggshell?”

Susie shouldn’t have taken the eggs with her on her lap. Since they can drop to the rabbit’s dismay.

45. With pussy willows and an eggshell outfit, she is all set for Easter.

A dress would’ve been fine. Wearing an eggshell like that just makes her look stupid. And possibly unable to sit down.

46. The rabbit pulled chick stagecoach has arrived.

Yes, I know it’s crazy using the bunnies as horses. But please, I wasn’t consulted and am just as freaked out as you are.

47. “You know what? Let’s shoot a bunch of eggs in a cannon at once.”

Well, at least they’re not shooting off fireworks. But why are they dressed in skimpy Greek outfits I don’t understand.

48. Unfortunately, Snookums couldn’t resist the temptation.

Let’s hope he escapes this with an injured tail. Because that chicken has a vicious streak a mile wide.

49. Sometimes a rabbit likes to show off in his top hat and tails.

Apparently, the chick maid isn’t impressed by his style. Well, can’t win them all.

50. “As long as we’re on the large egg, the dogs can’t get to us.”

As we all know, dogs kill rabbits. Still, I think these 2 should’ve picked a higher hiding place. Because the dogs can easily get to them.

Vintage Saint Patrick’s Day Greetings of the Emerald Isle

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As you probably know by now, people have always been sending greeting cards to each other during certain holidays. And Saint Patrick’s Day was no exception to that, especially in the days before the Internet. We should also note that in the olden days, the 19th century was a very terrible time in Ireland that a series of unfortunate events, most notably the Irish Potato Famine of the 1840s prompted a mass diaspora from there to other parts of the world such as the United States. But they also found new homes in other places like the United Kingdom, Australia, New Zealand, and even Latin America. And it’s because so many Irish immigrants came to these parts of the world that Saint Patrick’s Day is such a widely celebrated holiday. This is particularly the case in the 19th century when so many Irish Americans were either immigrants or related to one where we first see many of these celebrations get started like the Saint Patrick’s Day parades in places like Boston, New York, and Pittsburgh. So it’s not unusual to see Saint Patrick’s Day greeting cards around either. And though I could go all I want about these lovely works of Hallmark art, I understand you’d probably be bored to tears. So instead, I’ll stick to the ones that might make people scratch their heads. We should also note that the 19th century was a time when offensive Irish stereotypes proliferated which have now manifested in modern depictions on leprechauns to much Irish disdain. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of Saint Patrick’s Day cards from the days of old.

  1. “God bless dear/old Ireland our home/And all her Sons/Where’er they roam.”
For some reason this kid has the disposition of a future serial killer. There is now soul within those Irish eyes.

For some reason this kid has the disposition of a future serial killer. There is now soul within those Irish eyes.

2. “See my flag and see my hat./Sure you’re right! My name is Pat.”

Another soulless Irish lad. Seems like he's using his superficial innocence to play you for a fool before stabbing you in the back. Don't be taken in.

Another soulless Irish lad. Seems like he’s using his superficial innocence to play you for a fool before stabbing you in the back. Don’t be taken in.

3. Even Santa Claus has a bit of Irish in him.

How can Saint Nick be Irish, I have no idea. But I don't think dressing up as a leprechaun will endear him to the good Irish boys and girls.

How can Saint Nick be Irish, I have no idea. But I don’t think dressing up as a leprechaun will endear him to the good Irish boys and girls.

4. A Saint Patrick’s Day greeting and wait a minute, that doesn’t look like an Irish flag.

Okay, I had to look this flag up on Google. According to a historical flag site, it's the Saint Patrick's Cross flag used by the Irish National Corporate Party of the 1930s known as the "Greenshirts." And it was an openly fascist organization. So though it's seen as a traditional Irish flag before then, it hasn't been used in Ireland since.

Okay, I had to look this flag up on Google. According to a historical flag site, it’s the Saint Patrick’s Cross flag which was allegedly used by the Irish National Corporate Party of the 1930s known as the “Greenshirts.” And it was an openly fascist organization. So though it’s seen as a traditional Irish flag before then, it hasn’t been used in Ireland since.

5. May luck bestow blessings upon you the way leprechauns shower shamrocks from blimps.

Yes, I know it looks ridiculous. But blimps have appeared on a variety of greeting cards during this period. Not sure why.

Yes, I know it looks ridiculous. But blimps have appeared on a variety of greeting cards during this period. Not sure why.

6. Nothing brings in the spirit of Saint Patrick’s Day like an Irish lass riding a white pipe.

And she's riding it like a horse as if she's in someone's drug induced pipe dream. I'm sure someone was high off some opium binge to come up with this idea.

And she’s riding it like a horse as if she’s in someone’s drug induced pipe dream. I’m sure someone was high off some opium binge to come up with this idea.

7. Happy Saint Patrick’s Day from high up in the shamrock plane.

Not sure if you can really fly that thing or whether it's safe to stand up in it. In any case, if these two survive a crash, consider them lucky.

Not sure if you can really fly that thing or whether it’s safe to stand up in it. In any case, if these two survive a crash, consider them lucky.

8. “Me Irish eyes are smilin.'”

Hate to say this, but Irish Mr. Potato Head looks so damn creepy. Like he's out to get you during a hangover kind of way.

Hate to say this, but Irish Mr. Potato Head looks so damn creepy. Like he’s out to get you during a hangover kind of way.

9. Saint Patrick’s Day greetings from the nightmarish green woman holding a shamrock wreath.

Sorry, but pale green skin makes her seem like a bride of Dracula than an Irish angel. I'm sure she'll haunt many Irish dreams.

Sorry, but pale green skin makes her seem like a bride of Dracula than an Irish angel. I’m sure she’ll haunt many Irish dreams.

10. On Saint Patrick’s Day, it’s customary to get all shamrocked out.

She even has a shamrock dress on. And a yellow hat with shamrocks on it. I'm sure Lady Gaga would wear the same thing.

She even has a shamrock dress on. And a yellow hat with shamrocks on it. I’m sure Lady Gaga would wear the same thing.

11. An Irishman always likes to see his lass in a shamrock dress.

The fact a lot of women's dresses were shaped like that at the time was coincidental. Though this is kind of ridiculous.

The fact a lot of women’s dresses were shaped like that at the time was coincidental. Though this is kind of ridiculous.

12. These Irish kids would like to bestow a Saint Patrick’s Day greeting.

I'm sure little Patty is giving little Molly some clover because she wants to see her tits and look up her skirt. And Molly knows it.

I’m sure little Patty is giving little Molly some clover because she wants to see her tits and look up her skirt. And Molly knows it.

13. Irish couples always know when to get it on during Saint Patrick’s Day.

However, whether the guy practiced consent is another matter. But she doesn't seem to mind because he's hot.

However, whether the guy practiced consent is another matter. But she doesn’t seem to mind because he’s hot.

14. May Saint Patrick’s Day make you a lucky frog on March 17th.

I have no idea what the frog has to do with Saint Patrick's Day. Is it because it's green. Other than that, not much else.

I have no idea what the frog has to do with Saint Patrick’s Day. Is it because it’s green. Other than that, not much else.

15. Erin Go Bragh for this pair of newlyweds.

Who seem to resemble a couple you'd find in a creepy illustration of some Gothic novel. Though they do seem terrifyingly happy together.

Who seem to resemble a couple you’d find in a creepy illustration of some Gothic novel. Though they do seem terrifyingly happy together.

16. This garden gnome wishes you a lucky Saint Patrick’s Day.

You better because this gnome might want to kill your cat sometime. His eyes only show pure evil.

You better because this gnome might want to kill your cat sometime. His eyes only show pure evil.

17. “St. Patrick’s Day and I wish you luck.”

Now I understand the oversized shamrock. But the small pig? Not so much.

Now I understand the oversized shamrock. But the small pig? Not so much.

18. “Nothing slow for the likes of us.”

So this card implies that the Irish are bad drivers? Seems to be the case.

So this card implies that the Irish are bad drivers? Seems to be the case.

19. “Good luck on Saint Patrick’s Day.”

Let's just say disembodied Cabbage Patch doll heads aren't what you'd want to put on a St. Paddy's Day card. Oh wait, those are potatoes.

Let’s just say disembodied Cabbage Patch doll heads aren’t what you’d want to put on a St. Paddy’s Day card. Oh wait, those are potatoes.

20. Saint Patrick’s Day Greetings from the woman with the giant pipe.

And that pipe is making a smoky haze. But I don't think she's bringing luck but lung cancer. Seriously, what's with the large pipe?

And that pipe is making a smoky haze. But I don’t think she’s bringing luck but lung cancer. Seriously, what’s with the large pipe?

21. “Tis the shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day/ That bring back memories dear and gay.”

Though the kid's expression on his face reads something more sinister. And no, I don't think he's musing about Ireland either.

Though the kid’s expression on his face reads something more sinister. And no, I don’t think he’s musing about Ireland either.

22. Some tourists in Ireland would go to great lengths to kiss the Blarney Stone.

But using a rope harness is kind of ridiculous. Seriously, please don't try this. Ever.

But using a rope harness is kind of ridiculous. Seriously, please don’t try this. Ever.

23. It’s always grand to watch the Saint Patrick’s Day parade.

However, this doesn't change the fact the Irish here are depicted in a very disparaging way. And that there's booze depicted along the border.

However, this doesn’t change the fact the Irish here are depicted in a very disparaging way. And that there’s booze depicted along the border.

24. Saint Patrick’s Day is always a time to celebrate.

Now this couple looks rather cartoonish. Guess card designers of the time couldn't resist putting in Irish stereotypes after all.

Now this couple looks rather cartoonish in caricature. Guess card designers of the time couldn’t resist putting in Irish stereotypes after all.

25. “May the corners of yer mouth never turn down.”

Apparently. people in the 19th century thought old Irish ladies resembled witches who'd own candy houses to lure kids they'd cook for dinner. Seriously, this is in very poor taste if you ask me.

Apparently. people in the 19th century thought old Irish ladies resembled witches who’d own candy houses to lure kids they’d cook for dinner. Seriously, this is in very poor taste if you ask me.

26. “Here’s to the Auld Sod,/An’ shamrock so green,/Th’ land ave Saint Patrick,/Th’ Emerald Queen.”

Hmm...a jolly Irish guy dressed like a leprechaun with a glass of booze. Not something I've seen before (sarcasm).

Hmm…a jolly Irish guy dressed like a leprechaun with a glass of booze. Not something I’ve seen before (sarcasm).

27. How about an old Irish jig?

Is that guy dancing with a club in his hand? If so, is it to clobber any guy who wants to dance with his girlfriend? I need answers.

Is that guy dancing with a club in his hand? If so, is it to clobber any guy who wants to dance with his girlfriend? I need answers.

28. “An may ye always feel as gay as I do on Saint Patrick’s Day.”

In other words, "plastered drunk." Yes, the Irish drunk is on a Saint Patrick's Day card. I believe this card was sent to the Irish in people's lives they hated.

In other words, “plastered drunk.” Yes, the Irish drunk is on a Saint Patrick’s Day card. I believe this card was sent to the Irish in people’s lives they hated.

29. “Never a girl so sweet as an Irish girl.”

And in Ireland, you'll find Irish girls come in 3 different varieties such as blond, brunette, and redhead. As this pipe shamrock smokescreen can show.

And in Ireland, you’ll find Irish girls come in 3 different varieties such as blond, brunette, and redhead. As this pipe shamrock smokescreen can show.

30. Saint Patrick’s Day is always a time of Irish love.

Though I'm not sure whether they're supposed to be dancing or making out. Can go either way.

Though I’m not sure whether they’re supposed to be dancing or making out. Can go either way.

31. Even Cupid would like to get in the Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations.

For the love of God, Cupid, Valentine's Day is over. Seriously, what the hell are you doing on a card for St. Patrick's Day. It's not your holiday.

For the love of God, Cupid, Valentine’s Day is over. Seriously, what the hell are you doing on a card for St. Patrick’s Day. It’s not your holiday.

32. Saint Patrick’s Day is a merry time in dear old Ireland.

Yet, this guy happily wields his club when he's walking his pig. No, I don't think Irishmen are like this.

Yet, this guy happily wields his club when he’s walking his pig. No, I don’t think Irishmen are like this.

33. Irish couples always seem to enjoy a bit of blarney.

However, the guy in this card seems to remind me of a creepy old man for some reason. Not sure why.

However, the guy in this card seems to remind me of a creepy old man for some reason. Not sure why.

34. On Saint Patrick’s Day, Uncle Sam loves to make out with his Irish lass.

Yes, I know this is at a purely symbolic angle. However, Uncle Sam is supposed to look like a skinny old guy. So you get the creepy vibes.

Yes, I know this is at a purely symbolic angle. However, Uncle Sam is supposed to look like a skinny old guy. So you get the creepy vibes.

35. Shamrock head would like to wish you a Saint Patrick’s Day greetings.

But instead of bringing you luck, it'll bring you nightmares. Seriously, why?

But instead of bringing you luck, it’ll bring you nightmares. Seriously, why?

36. Speaking of Uncle Sam, here he enjoys an Irish toast.

I know this is supposed to be a gesture of Irish and American friendship. But the Irish guy is represented by an oversized leprechaun.

I know this is supposed to be a gesture of Irish and American friendship. But the Irish guy is represented by an oversized leprechaun.

37. There’s nothing on Saint Patrick’s Day like a peaceful rowboat ride.

Yet, we find this Irishman in a boat with 2 women which is about to capsize. Wonder what it says about him.

Yet, we find this Irishman in a boat with 2 women which is about to capsize. Wonder what it says about him.

38. Best wishes on Saint Patrick’s Day from the clover kids.

So I bet this card was made possible by acid trips. Not sure how else I can explain it.

So I bet this card was made possible by acid trips. Not sure how else I can explain it.

39. “I’m thinking of Old Erin tonight/Of the dear little cot by the sea/for the shamrock on St. Patrick’s Day/Still bringing back memories to me.”

However, I'm sure the woman is like, "Sorry, but I'm not interested so get your stupid hand off me." Yeah, I don't think she's happy.

However, I’m sure the woman is like, “Sorry, but I’m not interested so get your stupid hand off me.” Yeah, I don’t think she’s happy.

40. Here’s looking at you on Saint Patrick’s Day.

Because nothing says Saint Patrick's Day like a pair of eyes staring at you through a shamrock. Now that's very unsettling.

Because nothing says Saint Patrick’s Day like a pair of eyes staring at you through a shamrock. Now that’s very unsettling.

41. “Here’s to the toast in th’ rosy cup/To Swatehearts far across the sea/Wid wine ave hope/We fill it up/An’ drink to days that yet may be.”

Another depiction of an Irishman drinking. I know it's an offensive stereotype that never seems to die.

Another depiction of an Irishman drinking. I know it’s an offensive stereotype that never seems to die.

42. How about a toast to Ireland on Saint Patrick’s Day?

Yes, it looks like a toast. But we all know what'll happen afterwards.

Yes, it looks like a toast. But we all know what’ll happen afterwards.

43. “Let our hearts be young at the dawning/of Saint Patrick’s Day in the morning.”

The guy in this card isn't drawn very well. Yes, he's supposed to look happy. But his expression is more terrifying. And holding the club doesn't help.

The guy in this card isn’t drawn very well. Yes, he’s supposed to look happy. But his expression is more terrifying. And holding the club doesn’t help.

44. Nothing makes one feel lucky on Saint Patrick’s Day like pilfering a pig.

For some reason, pigs were seen as symbols of luck back in the day. Not sure why.

For some reason, pigs were seen as symbols of luck back in the day. Not sure why.

45. “The sweet little green little shamrock of Ireland.”

Don't look now but I think the man might have eyes on the girl with ill intent. The girl should run away while she still can.

Don’t look now but I think the man might have eyes on the girl with ill intent. The girl should run away while she still can.

46. Saint Patrick’s Day is always marked by the wearing of the green.

And in here even the bird of prey is green. Nevertheless, the woman has a rather oversized head for some reason.

And in here even the bird of prey is green. Nevertheless, the woman has a rather oversized head for some reason.

47. “Saint Patrick was a gentleman.”

For the love of God, this kid looks like a pure monster in a little suit. Avoid him like the plague.

For the love of God, this kid looks like a pure monster in a little suit. Avoid him like the plague.

48. On Saint Patrick’s Day, the whole world looks upon Ireland.

Don't tell me that's a crazed Santa Claus dressed in leprechaun garb. Might need to calm down a bit.

Don’t tell me that’s a crazed Santa Claus dressed in leprechaun garb. Might need to calm down a bit.

49. There’s room for everyone on the Shamrock blimp.

Though why anyone would disregard any notion of safety is a good question. Hope they're lucky to have parachutes.

Though why anyone would disregard any notion of safety is a good question. Hope they’re lucky to have parachutes.

50. You never know what you’d find on Saint Patrick’s Day.

I'm sure that guy is interested in watching the girl beside him peeling potatoes. Then again, he probably has his eyes stuck somewhere else.

I’m sure that guy is interested in watching the girl beside him peeling potatoes. Then again, he probably has his eyes stuck somewhere else.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Fourth Edition)

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Now that I got some Fuckface von Clownstick inaugural angst out of the way, I should now get into the Valentine’s Day posts. And what better way to start off than with a collection of political incorrectness of crazy vintage valentines? I mean these posts have been quite successful for some time and I know plenty might see it as the only fun part of the holiday. Because like me, there are many people who spend Valentine’s Day single and sometimes going to the store seeing the hearts, candy, stuffed toys, and what not can really get to you. Of course, when people think of valentine cards, they think cutesy heart cards like this one above depicting a couple in love. Yet, if I devoted a post to all the lovey dovey valentines, you’d probably throw up. So instead, I decided to go with vintage valentines that you wouldn’t believe actually existed. I mean people sent these to each other. So I give you yet another installment of unruly vintage valentines for you to love in an unintentionally hilarious way.

  1. If you receive a valentine like this, then your sweetheart must work for the Pentagon.
Okay, I don't think weapons inspired valentines are a good idea. And phallic imagery is the least of my worries here.

Okay, I don’t think weapons inspired valentines are a good idea. And phallic imagery is the least of my worries here.

2. For your Semper Fi sweetheart, this Marine valentine is a real marine.

And here he's preparing to shoot off his gun. Doesn't help that the sentiment includes "aim to make you mine." Mine what? Shooting target?

And here he’s preparing to shoot off his gun. Doesn’t help that the sentiment includes “aim to make you mine.” Mine what? Shooting target?

3. Guess it seems time for a commercial on this one.

Hey, I'm all for grand expressions of love and all. But a televised valentine is just going way too far. Seriously, you need help.

Hey, I’m all for grand expressions of love and all. But a televised valentine is just going way too far. Seriously, you need help.

4. Nothing says romance on Valentine’s Day like allusions to shellfish.

It's also a marriage proposal card, too, which is even more disturbing. I mean unless it's on a plate, do lobsters ever scream romance? No.

It’s also a marriage proposal card, too, which is even more disturbing. I mean unless it’s on a plate, do lobsters ever scream romance? No.

5. Speaking of sea life, check out this crazed fish hungry for a valentine.

I know this is supposed to be a fish but the fact it has a snout full of teeth kind of baffles me. Not to mention, it's wearing some sort of skimpy diving outfit.

I know this is supposed to be a fish but the fact it has a snout full of teeth kind of baffles me. Not to mention, it’s wearing some sort of skimpy diving outfit.

6. Nothing will make you feel valued like a valentine featuring a calf.

Uh, I don't think you'd want to use the word "veal" when pertaining to a calf. Also, it seems to stomp on the valentine.

Uh, I don’t think you’d want to use the word “veal” when pertaining to a calf. Also, it seems to stomp on the valentine.

7. “Okay, no tricky moves from you! This is a hold up, see?”

I guess the sex costume here is Wild West prostitute who's armed and dangerous. Then again, I think a guy might want to stay away from her.

I guess the sex costume here is Wild West prostitute who’s armed and dangerous. Then again, I think a guy might want to stay away from her.

8. “I’m prepared to meet your best defense, Valentine, so you’d better be mine!”

Okay, I think this boy might as well give up. No need for the wooden swords and pots and pans. If she doesn't want him, she doesn't want him. He can't force himself on her.

Okay, I think this boy might as well give up. No need for the wooden swords and pots and pans. If she doesn’t want him, she doesn’t want him. He can’t force himself on her.

9. This Native American prefers to have a heart roasted.

Okay, this is kind of offensive to Native Americans. If the heart roasting doesn't raise eyebrows, the speech should.

Okay, this is kind of offensive to Native Americans. If the heart roasting doesn’t raise eyebrows, the speech should.

10. “Gosh, Valentine, don’t you just like me a ‘weenie bit?'”

Of course, this can also be interpreted as, "I'm so desperate for a girlfriend that I'll settle for anything at this point." Also, don't tell me 'weenie bit' means what I think it does.

Of course, this can also be interpreted as, “I’m so desperate for a girlfriend that I’ll settle for anything at this point.” Also, don’t tell me ‘weenie bit’ means what I think it does.

11. “Hose your valentine? Me!”

From Buzzfeed: "I believe there is now an Adult film with this title." Yeah, he seems to be squeezing the nozzle a little too hard.

From Buzzfeed: “I believe there is now an Adult film with this title.” Yeah, he seems to be squeezing the nozzle a little too hard.

12. “Can’t measure my love!”

But if you can't measure one's love, what can you measure? Oh, wait, I think I see what might be going on here.

But if you can’t measure one’s love, what can you measure? Oh, wait, I think I see what might be going on here.

13. Happy Valentine’s Day, now enjoy this picture of a creepy clown dog on the violin.

This dog fiddler is the stuff of nightmares. It's not cute, especially since it has crossed eyes. Look away, I beg of you.

This dog fiddler is the stuff of nightmares. It’s not cute, especially since it has crossed eyes. Look away, I beg of you.

14. Speaking of clowns, hope this one doesn’t play a joke.

Okay, this clown makes the Joker seem like the guy you'd want to bring to a kid's birthday party. Even more disturbing is how he has his hand sticking out of the heart. Creepy.

Okay, this clown makes the Joker seem like the guy you’d want to bring to a kid’s birthday party. Even more disturbing is how he has his hand sticking out of the heart. Creepy.

15. Celebrate Valentine’s Day with love in a sausage.

However, judging by the sausage, this guy may not be looking for love. Yeah, I'm not fooled by the sausage bit.

However, judging by the sausage, this guy may not be looking for love. Yeah, I’m not fooled by the sausage bit.

16. “A valentine for you, I can’t help ‘mooning over you!'”

But explain to me how that rocket seems conveniently located between this girl's legs. Oh, and she's holding a rocket in her hand. I think I know why she might be mooning.

But explain to me how that rocket seems conveniently located between this girl’s legs. Oh, and she’s holding a rocket in her hand. I think I know why she might be mooning.

17. “I don’t want you to be my brother, I want you to be my valentine!”

Okay, that message is a little creepy and I saw Luke kissing Leia in The Empire Strikes Back. However, that woman's face makes me even more uncomfortable because the skin tones certain'y don't match.

Okay, that message is a little creepy and I saw Luke kissing Leia in The Empire Strikes Back. However, that woman’s face makes me even more uncomfortable because the skin tones certain’y don’t match.

18. “Come down ‘off your perch’ and be my valentine, you’d be a ‘birdie.'”

The fact she says this in a bird cage really makes me cringe. I guess she really wants a guy to get her out of there.

The fact she says this in a bird cage really makes me cringe. I guess she really wants a guy to get her out of there.

19. “Do you ‘tank’ you could love me?”

Not if you aim an actual tank at me asking that question. Seriously, military weapons have no place in valentines at all.

Not if you aim an actual tank at me asking that question. Seriously, military weapons have no place in valentines at all.

20. “I’m gonna plow right in and ask you to be my valentine.”

Okay, I really don't have a great feeling about this. But at least it's not being particularly forceful as far as I'm concerned.

Okay, I really don’t have a great feeling about this. But at least it’s not being particularly forceful as far as I’m concerned.

21. “I’ll camp and tramp until I find a girl like you for my valentine!”

So I guess this guy says, "So you better settle down with me or else, I'm going to spend my days as a homeless guy." Also helps if the girl's loaded with cash.

So I guess this guy says, “So you better settle down with me or else, I’m going to spend my days as a homeless guy.” Also helps if the girl’s loaded with cash.

22. Lovers, always beware of Cupid.

Is Cupid supposed to be the African tribesman that's depicted in highly racist caricature? Got it.

Is Cupid supposed to be the African tribesman that’s depicted in highly racist caricature? Got it.

23. “To be ‘frank,’ you’re ‘hot stuff!'”

Sure she may look innocent with her hotdog and fire tongs. But there's fire down below and she's holding the hotdog a little too tight.

Sure she may look innocent with her hotdog and fire tongs. But there’s fire down below and she’s holding the hotdog a little too tight.

24. This archer aims for your heart.

But whether he means to love you or kill you, I can't actually decide. But he seems to have his bow and arrows out either way.

But whether he means to love you or kill you, I can’t actually decide. But he seems to have his bow and arrows out either way.

25. “Want a little ‘harem scarem,’ for your valentine?”

Uh, girl, do you know what a harem is? If you do, are implying that you want group sex or an open relationship? Or do you just want to wear a skimpy costume?

Uh, girl, do you know what a harem is? If you do, are implying that you want group sex or an open relationship? Or do you just want to wear a skimpy costume?

26. “I’ve got my eyes on you, dear valentine!”

However, a girl with a heart head is the stuff of nightmares. No, that's not cute. That's terrifying for a V-Day horror movie.

However, a girl with a heart head is the stuff of nightmares. No, that’s not cute. That’s terrifying for a V-Day horror movie.

27. “I love being ;pushed around,’ valentine! I’m yours!”

You mean pushed around sucking real loud? Because that's what vacuums do. Oh, wait, that's kind of dirty.

You mean pushed around sucking real loud? Because that’s what vacuums do. Oh, wait, that’s kind of dirty.

28. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like being aimed at with a machine gun.

Sure that's a military themed valentine. But still, having a machine gun in one is just fucked up. Seriously, why?

Sure that’s a military themed valentine. But still, having a machine gun in one is just fucked up. Seriously, why?

29. Speaking of military weapons, get a load of this cannon.

Seems like he's a bit happier than expected. Hope the large gun isn't a metaphor for an erection.

Seems like he’s a bit happier than expected. Hope the large gun isn’t a metaphor for an erection.

30. As we all know, a nudist is bad at hiding who she fancies.

I know what you're thinking. How can they have a naked girl on a valentine like this? I'm still asking that question. Yes, she needs to get some clothes on.

I know what you’re thinking. How can they have a naked girl on a valentine like this? I’m still asking that question. Yes, she needs to get some clothes on.

31. “My heart pants for you!”

And it's hung with a bunch of women's undies on the clothes line. I can guess the hidden meaning behind that one.

And it’s hung with a bunch of women’s undies on the clothes line. I can guess the hidden meaning behind that one.

32. “You will get a big piece if you will be my valentine!”

Sorry, but a dog butcher doesn't make this valentine any less disturbing. This is especially when it has a heart on table and cleaver in paw.

Sorry, but a dog butcher doesn’t make this valentine any less disturbing. This is especially when it has a heart on table and cleaver in paw.

33. “Light of my life, do I satisfy?”

Now that can be read in any number of ways. One of them being sexually which might be what this tom cat is implying.

Now that can be read in any number of ways. One of them being sexually which might be what this tom cat is implying.

34. This Valentine’s Day, you should always have 2 on a seesaw.

Up, down, just decide and don't lead on. Of course, there are those who tend to play games with people's hearts on the playground.

Up, down, just decide and don’t lead on. Of course, there are those who tend to play games with people’s hearts on the playground.

35. Hand over your heart, or else.

Because nothing says Valentine's Day like the threat of lethal violence. How romantic!

Because nothing says Valentine’s Day like the threat of lethal violence. How romantic!

36. “I will have an axe to grind unless you’ll be my valentine!”

So I guess this means, "If you say no, I shall have to chop you to pieces." Sorry, but I'll take that risk.

So I guess this means, “If you say no, I shall have to chop you to pieces.” Sorry, but I’ll take that risk.

37. Any boy would wish to have a space themed valentine.

Kind of reminds me of Slim Pickens riding on a missile in Dr. Strangelove. Then again, it might imply something dirtier.

Kind of reminds me of Slim Pickens riding on a missile in Dr. Strangelove. Then again, it might imply something dirtier.

38. “You’re my valentine, sure as shooting.”

And he has his gun aimed like a true buckaroo. Yes, I find these gun valentines quite disturbing as always.

And he has his gun aimed like a true buckaroo. Yes, I find these gun valentines quite disturbing as always.

39. Looks like some fox’s got caught in a trap.

And he needs his valentine to open it to let his tail out. Or else he'd die. But in the meantime, he'll just sit and smell the flowers. No need to hurry.

And he needs his valentine to open it to let his tail out. Or else he’d die. But in the meantime, he’ll just sit and smell the flowers. No need to hurry.

40. Happy Valentine’s Day from the girl who’s trying to lose weight for you.

By the way, that's an old weight loss contraption called a fan belt. And no, it doesn't work. Still, ladies, if you try to lose weight, don't do it for a man.

By the way, that’s an old weight loss contraption called a fan belt. And no, it doesn’t work. Still, ladies, if you try to lose weight, don’t do it for a man.

41. Even sharks need some loving some time.

However, this green suited guy is a card shark. So I don't think he's the best kind of boyfriend. Because he might have a gambling problem. Or eat you alive.

However, this green suited guy is a card shark. So I don’t think he’s the best kind of boyfriend. Because he might have a gambling problem. Or eat you alive.

42. “Slicing baloney is not my line. I love you, my valentine.”

Okay, I might want to stay away from this creepy butcher. Really don't need that in my life.

Okay, I might want to stay away from this creepy butcher. Really don’t need that in my life.

43. If you want to show your appreciation to your teacher, this is the valentine for you.

On the other hand, teacher-student relationships should never be encouraged in any circumstances whatsoever. Doesn't help the kid is dressed in a sailor suit and holding a ruler.

On the other hand, teacher-student relationships should never be encouraged in any circumstances whatsoever. Doesn’t help the kid is dressed in a sailor suit and holding a ruler.

44. “I’m ready to show plenty of action, valentine, if you consent to be mine.”

Well, at least this boy is better about consent then the guys in some of these cards. But the projection is still kind of dirty.

Well, at least this boy is better about consent then the guys in some of these cards. But the projection is still kind of dirty.

45. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like being just out of the shower.

It's valentines like these that make me suspect that these vintage cards were made for adults. This especially goes for the ones with people naked like this.

It’s valentines like these that make me suspect that these vintage cards were made for adults. This especially goes for the ones with people naked like this.

46. “Let’s have a real blow out today!”

Or is it supposed to be blowjob? Because that's how I take it away from this picture.

Or is it supposed to be blowjob? Because that’s how I take it away from this picture.

47. Here’s a card that says, “Be my valentine, I’ll do anything like the housework.”

Well, this boy may not have much going for him. But he'll probably succeed in picking up chicks though he may not like doing chores.

Well, this boy may not have much going for him. But he’ll probably succeed in picking up chicks though he may not like doing chores. Still, he’s kind of creepy.

48. “Pick out a heart but be sure it’s mine, valentine!”

Hmmm...not sure if that's going to work since the two really don't see eye to eye. This particularly the case when one has a freakishly long neck like an ostrich or a giraffe.

Hmmm…not sure if that’s going to work since the two really don’t see eye to eye. This particularly the case when one has a freakishly long neck like an ostrich or a giraffe.

49. “Don’t be afraid, you’re going to be my valentine!”

Uh, girl, you have every right to be afraid right now. Because you're being pursued by a monstrous shadow with a card. Yeah, run for your life now.

Uh, girl, you have every right to be afraid right now. Because you’re being pursued by a monstrous shadow with a card. Yeah, run for your life now.

50. If you won’t be mind, then I’ll fade away until I’m all bones, you bonehead.

I'm sure this would be perfect if your sweetheart's a goth. Still, such sentiments from someone might mean they really need a therapist.

I’m sure this would be perfect if your sweetheart’s a goth. Still, such sentiments from someone might mean they really need a therapist.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Third Edition)

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As I demonstrated before in my last 2 vintage Christmas card posts, people tend to gravitate toward these cards during the holidays for their cozy artwork and cutesy imagery. Yet, as I’ve also showed before, not all vintage Christmas cards are as lovely as this one above or the ones you remember. I like this image since it has a lovely candle inside a lantern along with holly berries and leaves as well as a red bow. Sure it’s kind of an image you’d expect from a Christmas card. But if I devote an entire post to the lovely vintage Christmas cards many of you may go for, then I won’t have anyone to view it. So instead again, I’ll stick to the ones that many of my older viewers would rather forget. You know ones that might make you scratch your head since they don’t make much sense. Or ones you probably didn’t know even existed. So for your reading holiday pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage Christmas cards from yesterday.

  1. “I hope your Christmas stocking will be full from top to toe.”
"So what can be in here? Switchblades? Handguns? Traps? This is going to be the best most dangerous game ever."

“So what can be in here? Switchblades? Handguns? Traps? This is going to be the best most dangerous game ever.”

2. Merry Christmas to the children who go to great lengths to see Santa.

"Kid, you're supposed to send me a letter to the North Pole of what you want for Christmas. Not go to deliver it personally in my workshop. Also, you'll probably freeze to death in that outfit."

“Kid, you’re supposed to send me a letter to the North Pole of what you want for Christmas. Not go to deliver it personally in my workshop. Also, you’ll probably freeze to death in that outfit.”

3. Frosty the Snowman would like to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Okay, that has to be one of the creepiest snowmen I've seen. Also, why does he have shamrocks? That's for the wrong holiday.

Okay, that has to be one of the creepiest snowmen I’ve seen. Also, why does he have shamrocks? That’s for the wrong holiday.

4. You never know what you’ll find in Santa’s sack or under his cloak.

So he has a bunch of child angels under his cloak. So what happened to these kids? Did they die? Did Santa kidnap them?

So he has a bunch of child angels under his cloak. So what happened to these kids? Did they die? Did Santa kidnap them?

5. During the Christmas season, you’ll often find Santa answering letters in his workshop.

"Little Jimmy wants a new iPad? That's like the 1,000th one this week. This answering letters is a pain in my ass."

“Little Jimmy wants a new iPad? That’s like the 1,000th one this week. This answering letters is a pain in my ass.”

6. Bad kids this Christmas should beware of the Krampus who gives them a good beating and abduction they deserve.

However, this card doesn't help that Krampus smacks the smallest kid while the other children seem straight from your nightmares. Wish he went after the girl in the yellow dress. She's creepy.

However, this card doesn’t help that Krampus smacks the smallest kid while the other children seem straight from your nightmares. Wish he went after the girl in the yellow dress. She’s creepy.

7. Of course, Santa can always enjoy a good time now and then.

But dancing with a woman who's not Mrs. Claus? That'll probably put him in the North Pole doghouse for awhile. Bad Santa.

But dancing with a woman who’s not Mrs. Claus? That’ll probably put him in the North Pole doghouse for awhile. Bad Santa.

8. May your Christmas with friends and family make you as chummy as these clams.

To be fair, this is a British card. However, why they have standing clams looking at a ship is the question. Yeah, probably inspired by a Victorian drug trip.

To be fair, this is a British card. However, why they have standing clams looking at a ship is the question. Yeah, probably inspired by a Victorian drug trip.

9. Merry Christmas from Santa on his magic carpet ride.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. Here we have Santa on a magic carpet with a jet plane in the background. Aladdin and Jasmine were in a similar situation on SNL.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Here we have Santa on a magic carpet with a jet plane in the background. Aladdin and Jasmine were in a similar situation on SNL.

10. This Christmas please make sure you mind what you’re cooking for dinner.

Because you'll never know what kind of brown ball thing would jump at you. Yes, that goose really didn't know what was coming to her.

Because you’ll never know what kind of brown ball thing would jump at you. Yes, that goose really didn’t know what was coming to her.

11. Christmas dinner monster wishes you a merry Christmas.

Talk about your food coming to life and haunting your dreams. Really don't want to know what that thing is.

Talk about your food coming to life and haunting your dreams. Really don’t want to know what that thing is.

12. “Don’t you remember when you felt like this on Christmas morning?”

What do you mean? Getting the shakes? Because this boy seems like he's possessed by some demon or something. I mean something's not right with him.

What do you mean? Getting the shakes? Because this boy seems like he’s possessed by some demon or something. I mean something’s not right with him.

13. Somewhere in town Santa stops to take a smoking break.

And these boys just have to pop up to steal some of his stash behind his back. Nice, kids. what a great way to get yourselves on the naughty list.

And these boys just have to pop up to steal some of his stash behind his back. Nice, kids. what a great way to get yourselves on the naughty list.

14. Merry Christmas now enjoy this picture of a child performing a circus act with a dog riding a pig.

I really have no idea what the hell this has to do with Christmas. Yet, let's hope the dog and pig don't get whipped by the kid.

I really have no idea what the hell this has to do with Christmas. Yet, let’s hope the dog and pig don’t get whipped by the kid.

15. You never know what goes on in your Christmas tree.

After all, a red Christmas candle could be making out with a sugar plum for all I know. Still, don't know why they thought this was a good idea.

After all, a red Christmas candle could be making out with a sugar plum for all I know. But the sugar plum will have to watch out if he doesn’t want to get burned. Still, don’t know why they thought this was a good idea.

16. On Christmas, holly always goes well with mistletoe.

And it looks like these children are about to kiss each other in a romantic embrace which isn't age appropriate in the least. Seriously, if they wanted to do a card of holly and mistletoe making out why use kids? Couldn't they just use 2 adults instead?

And it looks like these children are about to kiss each other in a romantic embrace which isn’t age appropriate in the least. Seriously, if they wanted to do a card of holly and mistletoe making out why use kids? Couldn’t they just use 2 adults instead? That’s not right.

17. Of course, there’s always that one kid who’s cared of Santa Claus.

This is especially the case when Santa tends to resemble an old red suited dwarf from the Hobbit who's no bigger than the kid. Yeah, I can see why that kid would freak out.

This is especially the case when Santa tends to resemble an old red suited dwarf from the Hobbit who’s no bigger than the kid. Yeah, I can see why that kid would freak out.

18. Children are always excited to see what Santa left for them under the tree.

But Santa better watch out for these children, especially the younger one. Because if he didn't bring them what they wanted, that dark hair kid is sure to commit bloody murder on him.

But Santa better watch out for these children, especially the younger one. Because if he didn’t bring them what they wanted, that dark hair kid is sure to commit bloody murder on him.

19. Pothead wishes you compliments of the season.

Yes, this gives a whole new meaning to the term, "pothead." And I'm sure he'll pour boiling water on you if you piss him off. Still, wouldn't be surprised if this card was designed by potheads though it was made before the 1960s.

Yes, this gives a whole new meaning to the term, “pothead.” And I’m sure he’ll pour boiling water on you if you piss him off. Still, wouldn’t be surprised if this card was designed by potheads though it was made before the 1960s.

20. Hope you have all the luck this Christmas.

Once again, we have offensive black stereotypes at the forefront. No, I don't think a black maid and her daughter will have much luck. Still, racism was prevalent in this time and it shows.

Once again, we have offensive black stereotypes at the forefront. No, I don’t think a black maid and her daughter will have much luck. Still, racism was prevalent in this time and it shows.

21. Remember, kids, be good this Christmas or the Krampus will get you.

Even St. Nick is like, "Jesus, Krampus, you're supposed to kidnap spoiled brats! Those are fucking babies! Not cool."

Even St. Nick is like, “Jesus, Krampus, you’re supposed to kidnap spoiled brats! Those are fucking babies! Not cool.”

22. Like Santa, Krampus even has his own little helpers to assist him.

Though Krampus tends to kidnap and punish naughty children on Christmas, he likes to involve his kids in the trade. For a scary guy like him, you at least have to respect that.

Though Krampus tends to kidnap and punish naughty children on Christmas, he likes to involve his kids in the trade. For a scary guy like him, you at least have to respect that.

23. How about Krampus join you riding on your rocking horse?

Okay, I can understand why this kid can be scared since Krampus has chains. But somehow I find it hard to take seriously.

Okay, I can understand why this kid can be scared since Krampus has chains. But somehow I find it hard to take seriously.

24. As we all know, once Santa makes a stop, it’s down the chimney he goes.

I don't know about Santa's face in this one. For some reason, he doesn't seem like his jolly old self here.

I don’t know about Santa’s face in this one. For some reason, he doesn’t seem like his jolly old self here. Guess the work must really get to him.

25. Instead of Santa Claus giving presents from his sack in his sleigh, how about an angel shooting present from a tank?

After shooting presents from a tank is much more efficient. Still, this just strange to me.

After shooting presents from a tank is much more efficient. Still, this just strange to me.

26. Christmas time is always one of merriment and good cheer.

However, if you belong to a group of street musicians, you might want to watch out for old ladies dumping water on you. Hate to be the drummer here.

However, if you belong to a group of street musicians, you might want to watch out for old ladies dumping water on you. Hate to be the drummer here.

27. “As the master of Christmas ceremonies, I declare we have ribs as the main course.”

Yes, I know what you're thinking. See the king dub the ribs while the poultry and pigs are watching in clothes. Don't ask me to make sense of it.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. See the king dub the ribs while the poultry and pigs are watching in clothes. Don’t ask me to make sense of it.

28. This Christmas, perhaps take your time to see the frog parade.

You tend to see frogs a lot in Victorian Christmas cards for some strange reason. And this consists of a frog procession. Don't ask me why.

You tend to see frogs a lot in Victorian Christmas cards for some strange reason. And this consists of a frog procession. Don’t ask me why.

29. Speaking of frogs, these stretching ones wish a merry Christmas to you.

Once again, I can't explain this. Nor do I understand why they have their legs in the air. Perhaps this is a frog aerobic session for all I know.

Once again, I can’t explain this. Nor do I understand why they have their legs in the air. Perhaps this is a frog aerobic session for all I know. Or did they just fall on the ice?

30. Celebrate this Christmas like a group of drunk birds this time of year.

Even the cat is like, "Man, this is fucked up." Two of them are even passed out on their backs. Guess they must really party hard.

Even the cat is like, “Man, this is fucked up.” Two of them are even passed out on their backs. Guess they must really party hard.

31. “Do you want to build a snowman?”

Of course, in Victorian times, building a snowman with your friends was one way you could freak out the neighbors. Olaf from Frozen it ain't.

Of course, in Victorian times, building a snowman with your friends was one way you could freak out the neighbors. Olaf from Frozen it ain’t.

32. Aside from making toys and answering letters, sometimes Santa takes to the spinning wheel.

For some reason, not only is Santa skinny, but he also doesn't seem to be jolly. Guess he's pissed that he had to go on a diet and now takes spinning every time he things about food other than meal times.

For some reason, not only is Santa skinny, but he also doesn’t seem to be jolly. Guess he’s pissed that he had to go on a diet and now takes spinning every time he things about food other than meal times.

33. “Susie, I have for you a new doll just what you always wanted.”

Uh, Susie, are you sure that's Santa and not some creep with a windowless carriage? Because I have my doubts.

Uh, Susie, are you sure that’s Santa and not some creep with a windowless carriage? Because I have my doubts.

34. “Well! This looks good.”

Santa seems to have his eye on the sleeping girl here. Yeah, that looks very creepy if you ask me.

Santa seems to have his eye on the sleeping girl here. Yeah, that looks very creepy if you ask me.

35. Nothing says Christmas like a couple of chickens sled riding.

Even crazier is that they have human hands. Don't ask me why they thought it was a good idea. It was probably inspired by a Victorian acid trip.

Even crazier is that they have human hands. Don’t ask me why they thought it was a good idea. It was probably inspired by a Victorian acid trip.

36. Remember, kids, don’t interrupt Frosty the Snowman when he’s sleeping in.

Or else, you'll probably end up like these kids if you disturb him. Yes, you wouldn't want to be around Frosty when he's angry.

Or else, you’ll probably end up like these kids if you disturb him. Yes, you wouldn’t want to be around Frosty when he’s angry.

37. “May Christmas time be full of pleasure/And Santa bring you many a treasure.”

From Bytes: "An extraordinarily gifted child with the brush. Is it me or does the ladder seem to not be leaning against the wall at the right angle when compared to the writing?" He better watch it if he doesn't want to break his neck.

From Bytes: “An extraordinarily gifted child with the brush. Is it me or does the ladder seem to not be leaning against the wall at the right angle when compared to the writing?” He better watch it if he doesn’t want to break his neck.

38. “Wishing you a right merry Christmas!”

Don't worry, kids, the creepy clown is too busy eating to kill you at the moment. Still, don't go near him since he's holding a knife.

Don’t worry, kids, the creepy clown is too busy eating to kill you at the moment. Still, don’t go near him since he’s holding a knife.

39. Some children buy Christmas cards, some make their own.

"I'll send this one to my cousin Lucy and inside I'll write that I hope she comes to a terrible and painful end. That'll show her not to steal my stamp collection."

“I’ll send this one to my cousin Lucy and inside I’ll write that I hope she comes to a terrible and painful end. That’ll show her not to steal my stamp collection.”

40. These birds wish you a joyful yuletide.

Yet, as to why they're flying in a holly wreath, I have absolutely no idea. I mean.birds fly while holly leaves have thorns on them.

Yet, as to why they’re flying in a holly wreath, I have absolutely no idea. I mean.birds fly while holly leaves have thorns on them.

41. On Christmas, treat yourself to dinner and a show.

Well, I've heard the expression "dinner and a show" but this is utterly ridiculous. This is especially since they each have their heads on a plate.

Well, I’ve heard the expression “dinner and a show” but this is utterly ridiculous. This is especially since they each have their heads on a plate.

42. Looks like Santa decided to drop in this time of night on Christmas Eve.

However, looking at the window, I have a reasonable suspicion he showed up early because he thinks the mom is hot. Sure he may be naughty here, but it's possible these kids will receive wonderful Christmas presents.

However, looking at the window, I have a reasonable suspicion he showed up early because he thinks the mom is hot. Sure he may be naughty here, but it’s possible these kids will receive wonderful Christmas presents.

43. A merry Christmas to the woman who snagged Frosty the Snowman’s head.

Okay, this is messed up on so many levels. The snowman has no body yet, he's smiling. What the hell?

Okay, this is messed up on so many levels. The snowman has no body yet, he’s smiling. What the hell?

44. Merry Christmas and hope you can hunt foxes from that toy horse.

I know that fox hunts are customary in England. But toy horse hunts? What?

I know that fox hunts are customary in England. But toy horse hunts? What?

45. On Christmas Eve, you can expect Santa to to give you presents from his large sack of toys.

However, this Santa has a very sinister grin on his face that might suggest he plans to do something terrible once he's down the chimney. I don't know what but I have a bad feeling about this.

However, this Santa has a very sinister grin on his face that might suggest he plans to do something terrible once he’s down the chimney. I don’t know what but I have a bad feeling about this.

46. Merry Christmas and please accept your presents dropped from the plane.

These kids receive gifts and baskets from the plane like they're expecting relief packaging. And there's no Santa in sight.

These kids receive gifts and baskets from the plane like they’re expecting relief packaging. And there’s no Santa in sight.

47. A merry Christmas from the snowman trying to keep dry.

Because it seems like he's not enjoying the yuletide season for good reason. Guess he'll become snow slush any time now.

Because it seems like he’s not enjoying the yuletide season for good reason. Guess he’ll become snow slush any time now.

48. The yam man would like to extend his Christmas greetings.

Okay, he has the head of a man. Yet, his body is all roots. Please don't ask me. I have no idea why they thought it would make a good Christmas card.

Okay, he has the head of a man. Yet, his body is all roots. Please don’t ask me. I have no idea why they thought it would make a good Christmas card.

49. For Christmas, anyone is lucky to see 2 angles on a motorcycle.

Not sure if angel robes would make great to ride a motorcycle like that. Also, don't they have wings to use for flying? Doesn't make sense.

Not sure if angel robes would make great to ride a motorcycle like that. Also, don’t they have wings to use for flying? Doesn’t make sense.

50.  These cats are outside this Christmas waiting to greet you.

Because nothing says Christmas like seeing cats in tall hats armed with clubs. Don't like how this is going down.

Because nothing says Christmas like seeing cats in tall hats armed with clubs. Guess “greet” means “bet senseless to the ground.” Don’t like how this will going down.

Ghastly Halloween Greetings in the Ghoulish Days of Old (Second Edition)

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Last year, I did a post on crazy vintage Halloween cards that many wouldn’t believe existed. Sure you might think vintage artwork has a lot of cuteness and nostalgia filled images all over it. But there are plenty of vintage cards with imagery that seems kind of creepy or outright insane to modern eyes. Sometimes you’d think the old card companies hired people on acid to design them, which would explain a lot. And Halloween is no exception. Now this witch picture is a rather conventional vintage card image we’d expect from the holiday. Sure she’s on her broom with a jack-o-lantern on her stick and holding a cat. It’s hardly a remarkable image. Yet, if you want to see more like it, then this isn’t the place for you. But if you’re bored by traditional vintage Halloween cards and came for laughs, this is the place. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasure trove of crazy Halloween cards.

  1. “When you’re away on Halloween/The world seems then as dark/As lanterns, ere their candles feel/The match’s kindling spark.”
From I-Mockery: "I'm pretty sure that girl is about to get killed by Phanto. She must've stolen his key. (Yes, that's a geeky old video game reference. Deal with it.)" Don't like the looks of this.

From I-Mockery: “I’m pretty sure that girl is about to get killed by Phanto. She must’ve stolen his key.
(Yes, that’s a geeky old video game reference. Deal with it.)” Don’t like the looks of this.

2. “Good luck for Halloween.”

From I-Mockery: "If there's one thing this image doesn't make me feel, it's good luck. Fear the evil albino pumpkin lady." Thanks, lady with the demonic jack-o-lanterns, I'll keep that in mind.

From I-Mockery: “If there’s one thing this image doesn’t make me feel, it’s good luck.
Fear the evil albino pumpkin lady.” Thanks, lady with the demonic jack-o-lanterns, I’ll keep that in mind.

3. There’s no worse bad luck on Halloween than having your path crossed by a black cat.

Okay, did those pumpkin guys try to bake that cat in a cake? Or did the cat just pounce on it to scare the freaky pumpkin people away? At any rate, the cat has every right to be pissed.

Okay, did those pumpkin guys try to bake that cat in a cake? Or did the cat just pounce on it to scare the freaky pumpkin people away? At any rate, the cat has every right to be pissed.

4. Always have a jolly Halloween.

I think it would've been better if the kid just kept his pumpkin hat on. Because he's a walking racist stereotype. Of course, you must expect these things from vintage cards.

I think it would’ve been better if the kid just kept his pumpkin hat on. Because he’s a walking racist stereotype. Of course, you must expect these things from vintage cards.

5. Kids, remember to be safe this Halloween and watch out for creeping jack-o-lanterns during the night.

From I-Mockery: "I'm afraid. That's not even my house that the evil black pumpkinface is peering into, and I'm still afraid." Yeah, that's one of the scariest jack-o-lanterns I've seen here.

From I-Mockery: “I’m afraid. That’s not even my house that the evil black pumpkinface is peering into, and I’m still afraid.” Yeah, that’s one of the scariest jack-o-lanterns I’ve seen here.

6. The man in the moon always likes when witches come out at night, especially if they’re hot.

Yes, the man in the moon loves flying hot witches flying around with their form fitting dresses. This should tell us the that the man in the moon is a perv.

Yes, the man in the moon loves flying hot witches flying around with their form fitting dresses. This should tell us the that the man in the moon is a perv.

7. “If something scares you and you want to run/Remember it’s only Halloween fun!”

From I-Mockery: "Yeah, remember that advice when the creepy old man invites you into his home for some "extra special candy". Don't run, for it's only Halloween fun!" Also, that little kid is freaking me out. Really.

From I-Mockery: “Yeah, remember that advice when the creepy old man invites you into his home for some ‘extra special candy.’ Don’t run, for it’s only Halloween fun!” Note this is called sarcasm. Also, that little kid is freaking me out.

8. You never know what spell a witch may cast on Halloween night.

From I-Mockery: "Look! She's removing all the dust from her broom and putting it into that pie to feed everyone with! What a bwitch!"

From I-Mockery: “Look! She’s removing all the dust from her broom and putting it into that pie to feed everyone with! What a bwitch!”

9. On Halloween night, be nice to the jack-o-lantern driver and his cart or else.

From I-Mockery: "Remember what that other card said about not running away because it's just Halloween fun? Well, forget that shit. If you see this guy, run... run as fast and far away as you possibly can. If you don't he'll put you in his twisted traveling "pumpkin-man towed by a haunted billy goat" show."

From I-Mockery: “Remember what that other card said about not running away because it’s just Halloween fun? Well, forget that shit. If you see this guy, run… run as fast and far away as you possibly can. If you don’t he’ll put you in his twisted traveling ‘pumpkin-man towed by a haunted billy goat’ show.”

10. “Halloween Greetings! Good luck and good cheer/May these be the spirits that haunt you all year.”

From I-Mockery: "Are those two little guys actually supposed to be the spirits of "good luck" and "cheer"? I only ask because one of them looks like an annoying elf and the other looks like a depressed miniature grim reaper. Not exactly the kind of spirits you want visiting you all year long."

From I-Mockery: “Are those two little guys actually supposed to be the spirits of ‘good luck’ and ‘cheer?’ I only ask because one of them looks like an annoying elf and the other looks like a depressed miniature grim reaper. Not exactly the kind of spirits you want visiting you all year long.”

11. Halloween greetings from the children’s white sheet and jack-o-lantern cult.

Okay, I know those are supposed to be ghost costumes. But to me they seem like cult robes. The kids' sinister faces don't help either.

Okay, I know those are supposed to be ghost costumes. But to me they seem like cult robes. The kids’ sinister faces don’t help either.

12. Scary skeleton wraiths with lanterns wish you Halloween joy.

No, I don't think you'll find Frodo and his friends here. Also, why are dressed in white and carrying lanterns?

No, I don’t think you’ll find Frodo and his friends here. Also, why are dressed in white and carrying lanterns? And that’s no way to hold a cat comfortably.

13. May you have a Merry Halloween from the garden vegetable patch.

First, why do the veggies have arms and legs? And why does that radish seem waving to me? That's messed up.

First, why do the veggies have arms and legs? And why does that radish seem waving to me? That’s messed up.

14. When carving a pumpkin, make sure a pumpkin head ghost holds up a light.

Okay, scratch that. In fact, you might want to run like hell. Because that scary jack-o-lantern guy might want to kidnap you for a sacrifice with his friends. He really wants to impress them.

Okay, scratch that. In fact, you might want to run like hell. Because that scary jack-o-lantern guy might want to kidnap you for a sacrifice with his friends. He really wants to impress them.

15. Halloween is always a time for sharing dark secrets.

The girl is supposed to read this boy's fortune. But I think she's thinking of far more unspeakable evil things to do to him.

The girl is supposed to read this boy’s fortune. But I think she’s thinking of far more unspeakable evil things to do to him. That can’t be good.

16. Ladies, remember that mirrors aren’t always 100% on Halloween night.

From I-Mockery: "Popular witch prank: make somebody think they're a two-headed freak." Yes, kind of looks like it.

From I-Mockery: “Popular witch prank: make somebody think they’re a two-headed freak.” Yes, kind of looks like it.

17. Remember to wallop a black cat this Halloween, kids.

On second thought, that's just cruelty to animals. Best to wallop the kids in this card. Or the creepy pumpkin on the broomstick.

On second thought, that’s just cruelty to animals. Best to wallop the kids in this card. Or the creepy pumpkin on the broomstick. The cat only deserves your pity here.

18. Halloween greetings from the two zombie pumpkins in the patch.

From I-Mockery: "It's like those two zombie pumpkins are just daring the little boy and his dog to hop the fence and grab that healthy pumpkin. That's just downright horrifying."

From I-Mockery: “It’s like those two zombie pumpkins are just daring the little boy and his dog to hop the fence and grab that healthy pumpkin. That’s just downright horrifying.”

19. “Happy Halloween! You best be careful what you do/Jack-o-Lantern will catch you.”

From I-Mockery: "I could care less about the Jack-O-Lantern... I'm more concerned about what will happen if the two little demons catch me." Same here.

From I-Mockery: “I could care less about the Jack-O-Lantern… I’m more concerned about what will happen if the two little demons catch me.” Same here.

20. Happy Halloween from the jack-o-lamp post. Hope he doesn’t catch you making out.

From I-Mockery: "Sure, Jack O' Lantern caught them kissing, what with the lipstick on the man's face 'n all... but it also looks like he caught the guy copping a feel. Happy Halloween, fella!"

From I-Mockery: “Sure, Jack O’ Lantern caught them kissing, what with the lipstick on the man’s face ‘n all…but it also looks like he caught the guy copping a feel. Happy Halloween, fella!”

21. On Halloween, it’s best that pumpkin head people should be on alert for scraggly witches.

Because they tend to gang up on pumpkin people and do terrible things to them. I don't like where this is going.

Because they tend to gang up on pumpkin people and do terrible things to them. I don’t like where this is going.

22. I call this card, “Scenes from a Demonic Restaurant.”

It's where everything seems to come alive but in a way that will haunt your dreams forever. Also, the devil is in the details on the menu.

It’s where everything seems to come alive but in a way that will haunt your dreams forever. Also, the devil is in the details on the menu.

23. If you break up with someone on Halloween, chances are a ghost will haunt your dreams.

Now this is just terrible relationship advice. Because what if you break someone's heart because he was being a jerk? Shouldn't that be permissible.

Now this is just terrible relationship advice. Because what if you break someone’s heart because he was being a jerk? Shouldn’t that be permissible?

24. “Wish you a lucky Halloween.”

What the hell is Cupid doing here? He's in the wrong holiday card. Not to mention, who the hell has a room with floating apples and a pumpkin mirror?

What the hell is Cupid doing here? He’s in the wrong holiday card. Not to mention, who the hell has a room with floating apples and a pumpkin mirror?

25. Not all jack-o-lanterns are creepy. Some can be especially helpful with finding lost animals.

However, in 2016, this picture of a orange headed guy grabbing a pussy has a dirtier dimension. However, in this case, he really does mean cat. And no he shouldn't grab them by the scruff of their necks. Still pretty creepy.

However, in 2016, this picture of a orange headed guy grabbing a pussy has a dirtier dimension. However, in this case, he really does mean cat. And no, he shouldn’t grab them by the scruff of their necks. Still pretty creepy. So is the moon.

26. In this game, you can either bite into an apple or a flaming candle.

For the love of God, please bite into the apple. God only knows what kind of sick Halloween games people played during those days.

For the love of God, please bite into the apple. God only knows what kind of sick Halloween games people played during those days.

27. Folks, on Halloween, remember to keep a look out for pumpkin headed children who might steal from your yard, especially the gate.

Now stealing a neighbor's gate is one thing. But pumpkin headed kids doing it, well, that's just insane. Seriously, those kids are freaky.

Now stealing a neighbor’s gate is one thing. But pumpkin headed kids doing it, well, that’s just insane. Seriously, those kids are freaky.

28. Best wishes for Halloween now let’s watch a love scene with pumpkin people.

Yes, if I were the black cat, I'd wonder if I was totally tripping, too. For God's sake, acid had to play a role in this illustration.

Yes, if I were the black cat, I’d wonder if I was totally tripping, too. For God’s sake, acid had to play a role in this illustration.

29. “Instead of flying your broom, how about I drive you in my new gourd car?”

Even the witch is like, "I can't fucking believe this!" As if these pumpkin people are freaky enough. Now they're driving giant gourds.

Even the witch is like, “I can’t fucking believe this!” As if these pumpkin people are freaky enough. Now they’re driving giant gourds.

30. On Halloween, a giant jack-0-lantern makes a great make out spot.

Not sure what's freakier in this picture. Is it the couple making out while the jack-o-lantern doesn't seem to mind? Or the gourd people watching it?

Not sure what’s freakier in this picture. Is it the couple making out while the jack-o-lantern doesn’t seem to mind? Or the gourd people watching it?

31. On Halloween you might see a lot of strange things happening.

Oh, shit, it's the children's jack-o-lantern cult again. And it seems the tree and rock cliffs have come alive. There must be dark magic afoot.

Oh, shit, it’s the children’s jack-o-lantern cult again. And it seems the tree and rock cliffs have come alive. There must be dark magic afoot.

32. Halloween is always full of surprises.

And it seems the clown is freaked out by the pumpkin jack-in-a-box as I am. Hope he comes out alive but I doubt it.

And it seems the clown is freaked out by the pumpkin jack-in-a-box as I am. Hope he comes out alive but I doubt it.

33. Halloween is always a time of great fun.

And it seems the pumpkin head guy is looking at the woman's ass as she bobs for apples near the fireplace. What a perv.

And it seems the pumpkin head guy is looking at the woman’s ass as she bobs for apples near the fireplace. What a perv.

34. If green goblins cross your path, always have a jump rope in handy.

From I-Mockery: "It's Halloween! You know what that means! Yep! It's time to dress up like a clown and a witch and bust out the ol' jump rope!"

From I-Mockery: “It’s Halloween! You know what that means! Yep! It’s time to dress up like a clown and a witch and bust out the ol’ jump rope!”

35. There’s no better thing to do on Halloween than bob for apples.

From I-Mockery: "If you think the girl is up to anything but no good, you're a fool. Those are probably fake apples floating in a vat of acid that you're about to dip your face into."

From I-Mockery: “If you think the girl is up to anything but no good, you’re a fool. Those are probably fake apples floating in a vat of acid that you’re about to dip your face into.”

36. “Don’t pass an owl on Halloween/And good luck is yours if you haven’t been seen.”

From I-Mockery: "If 'good luck' equates to meeting twin pumpkinhead pieces of red corn on the cob witches, I think I'll take my chances with seeing the old owl instead.

From I-Mockery: “If ‘good luck’ equates to meeting twin pumpkinhead pieces of red corn on the cob witches, I think I’ll take my chances with seeing the old owl instead.”

37. Join in the Halloween jollity.

From I-Mockery: "Okay, two things here: 1) I just learned that "jollity" is a word. and 2) That pumpkin is totally going to murder that girl and make the owl watch the entire gruesome act.

From I-Mockery: “Okay, two things here: 1) I just learned that “jollity” is a word. and 2) That pumpkin is totally going to murder that girl and make the owl watch the entire gruesome act.”

38. On Halloween night, remember to hide your head while you sleep. You’ll never know where the goblins or fairies are lurking.

This is especially true if your Halloween candy consists of some very powerful hallucinogens. But these fairies aren't watching over to protect this woman from the goblins, which are also quite freaky.

This is especially true if your Halloween candy consists of some very powerful hallucinogens. But these fairies aren’t watching over to protect this woman from the goblins, which are also quite freaky.

39. Anthromorphized garden vegetables wish you a joyous Halloween.

From I-Mockery: "When making a card that reads "Joyous Hallowe'en" you might want to have your quality control department double check it to make sure everyone in the picture looks joyous." I think they all want to murder the gardener in his sleep.

From I-Mockery: “When making a card that reads “Joyous Hallowe’en” you might want to have your quality control department double check it to make sure everyone in the picture looks joyous.” I think they all want to murder the gardener in his sleep. But that’s just me.

40. Why should a witch fly a broom when she drive into the sky on a flying corn cob?

Of course, at least she's riding a sustainable vehicle. Still, seeing her flying into space on a winged ear of corn sounds more like an acid trip.

Of course, at least she’s riding a sustainable vehicle. Still, seeing her flying into space on a winged ear of corn sounds more like an acid trip.

41. Hail Halloween from the jack-o-lantern on the stump.

From I-Mockery: "HAIL! I'm pretty sure that pumpkin has braces. Perhaps it's a commentary on the dental work you'll need after overindulging on candy?"

From I-Mockery: “HAIL! I’m pretty sure that pumpkin has braces. Perhaps it’s a commentary
on the dental work you’ll need after overindulging on candy?”

42. Apparently, black cats freak out over jack-o-lanterns.

From I-Mockery: "While the cat looks frightened, the chestnut doesn't seem to be screaming. In fact, it looks quite pleased with how things worked out. My guess is that the chestnut planned this whole "scare the cat" prank. The lesson we all learned here? Chestnuts are dicks."

From I-Mockery: “While the cat looks frightened, the chestnut doesn’t seem to be screaming. In fact, it looks quite pleased
with how things worked out. My guess is that the chestnut planned this whole “scare the cat” prank.
The lesson we all learned here? Chestnuts are dicks.”

43. “We hoot a Halloween greeting to you.”

Pardon me for thinking this. But I sure as hell hope that the flustered owl rips that little pumpkin headed brat to shreds. He has it coming.

Pardon me for thinking this. But I sure as hell hope that the flustered owl rips that little pumpkin headed brat to shreds. He has it coming.

44. For witches, jack-o-lanterns make great reading lights.

"Now please let me read where it calls for eye of newt and tongue of dog. It's before preheat cauldron to 350 degrees, cook for 3 days under the full moon, and serves 6. And no, I'm not trying to turn people in to frogs this time."

“Now please let me read where it calls for eye of newt and tongue of dog. It’s before preheat cauldron to 350 degrees, cook for 3 days under the full moon, and serves 6. And no, I’m not trying to turn people in to frogs this time.”

45. On Halloween, it helps that you steal the gate of luck before the scary floating pumpkins go by.

From I-Mockery: "Well, now we know why they were stealing it... they were stealing the Gate of Luck! Of course! Why didn't I think of that! If there's one thing I like to do every Halloween, it's stealing gates from people's homes!"

From I-Mockery: “Well, now we know why they were stealing it… they were stealing the Gate of Luck! Of course! Why didn’t I think of that! If there’s one thing I like to do every Halloween, it’s stealing gates from people’s homes!”

46. Happy Halloween and please make an offer for the Pumpkin King.

Because if you don't, he'll sure as hell make you an offer you can't refuse. This is especially if he finds you attractive like this woman.

Because if you don’t, he’ll sure as hell make you an offer you can’t refuse. This is especially if he finds you attractive like this woman.

47. A witch sometimes enjoys traveling in a pumpkin boat once in awhile.

From Tracy's Toys: "Where has she come from, and why didn't she just fly, as would have been traditional? Where is she going, in her broom masted pumpkin boat? Is she a good witch or a bad witch? She's smiling, but I suppose that's not a sure thing: the witch in Hansel and Gretel was probably smiling warmly right up to the time she tried to cook and eat her little visitors. Is that cat safe? Why isn't he in the boat too? I'm worried he's going to fall off. And just how seaworthy is that pumpkin boat? Is there any danger of fish nibbling away the bottom? Won't water come through the face holes? Seems like a major design flaw there. This is definitely a postcard that raises lots of questions."

From Tracy’s Toys: “Where has she come from, and why didn’t she just fly, as would have been traditional? Where is she going, in her broom masted pumpkin boat? Is she a good witch or a bad witch? She’s smiling, but I suppose that’s not a sure thing: the witch in Hansel and Gretel was probably smiling warmly right up to the time she tried to cook and eat her little visitors…”

48. Demons always know when to feed more fire to a jack-o-lantern.

And it seems that the pumpkin is craving for more wood. Demons need to keep up the pace.

And it seems that the pumpkin is craving for more wood. Demons need to keep up the pace.

49. Hope you can use jack-o-lanterns to light up when on the town trick or treating or partying.

From I-Mockery: "If only I had a dime for every single time I've seen this same old scenario take place on Halloween..." Because aren't pumpkins a bit heavy to use as lamps. This must be based on an acid trip.

From I-Mockery: “If only I had a dime for every single time I’ve seen this same old scenario take place on Halloween…” Because aren’t pumpkins a bit heavy to use as lamps. This must be based on an acid trip.

50. There’s no Halloween frolic like dancing under a creepy pumpkin head.

After the dance is done, it's said that the pumpkin will choose one of the girls who'd later be escorted as a virgin sacrifice. She would never be seen again since.

After the dance is done, it’s said that the pumpkin will choose one of the girls who’d later be escorted as a virgin sacrifice. She would never be seen again since.