Easter Greetings from the Days of Yesteryear (Fifth Edition)

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Now that I have the peep dioramas out of the way, it’s time for old Easter cards. Though you might see plenty of them with beautiful illustrations like this ornate basket with Easter eggs, you’re not going to see any of that on this post. Instead, you’ll see old Easter cards lost to time for one reason or another. Mostly because their imagery seems to defy all explanation. But some of them are kind of inappropriate or just plain weird. While some of them contain traditions that are very unfamiliar to many of us. Let’s just say you won’t see any of these images on a Hallmark greeting card anytime soon. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy old timey Easter greeting cards. Enjoy.

  1. Looks like this witch took a wrong turn.
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There’s a tradition in Scandinavia of Easter witches. I know it’s kind of messed up. Still, you’ll be seeing more of these on this post.

2. Perhaps chicks like to reminisce about old times.

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Though a couple chicks would rather do something else. As you can see from their blasé faces.

3. “Fly, fly, my pretties!”

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Yes, that’s another Easter witch on her broomstick. And no, I have no idea why people in Scandinavia thought her as significant.

4. “You don’t look like a chicken.”

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Since a baby hatched from an egg and the chick seems to marvel at it. Despite it not being how human reproduction works.

5. Once dyed, Easter eggs must be hung to dry.

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Okay, I don’t think you should hold up eggs like that. Also, these are chicks holding them. So what kind of eggs do they use?

6. “Now let’s light ‘er up and fly to the moon.”

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I don’t see this going too well. Seriously, experimenting with fireworks never goes well. Even among magic users. Just ask the Weasley Twins.

7. Apparently, multiple chickens can fit inside one egg.

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Well, it’s a giant egg cracked open. But it’s held with a giant ribbon. But that doesn’t keep a little chickie from escaping.

8. This bunny doesn’t seem to have a happy Easter.

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Since these little kids want to dress it up and make it their pet. Think of it along the lines of “I’ll hug em,’ and squeeze em,’ and keep em’ for ever and ever.” But Harry belonged in the wild open spaces.

9. There’s nothing for a dad rooster like spending a day with his chicks.

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Just keep in mind that they all have different mothers and that most of the boys won’t survive to adulthood. Still, I can’t see how this father would keep track of them.

10. Try fitting those eggs in a suitcase.

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Let’s say keeping eggs in a suitcase is a very bad idea. Since they’ll probably break as you carry them. And those chicks will probably suffocate.

11. Bet you’ve never danced with a rabbit before.

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The bunny’s like, “Come and frolic with me in the forest. We’ll have lots of fun.” While this boy is like, “Uh, no thanks, my mom wants me to iron my dog.” And he wants to make a run for it.

12. Perhaps you’d like to ride in an eggshell cart.

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Yes, it’s pulled by bunnies which I don’t think is efficient. And I don’t think the bunnies like pulling the cart either.

13. Chicks, hop up on the Easter blimp.

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Of course, not all of them can fit on it. Then there are the flowers dangling from the basket which I don’t think seems safe in any respect.

14. Didn’t know the Easter Bunny smoked a pipe.

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Or that he could find eggs big enough to put flowers in. Still, don’t use tobacco, kids, it’ll give you lung cancer and kill you.

15. “C’mon, don’t leave me! We’re already flying.

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Seems like she abducted this old guy. While she has her legs curled on her broom. And you can see her underwear.

16. “Oh, shit, now they’re flying planes.”

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Well, these witches don’t seem too happy about the arrival of aviation. As they look upon that plane with disdain.

17. If you fly too low, you’ll get stuck on someone’s TV antenna.

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Apparently, this witch got her broom caught in a TV antenna. And she’s really not happy about it. Hope the guy inside has good reception.

18. Looks like a witch had her broom modified for speed.

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This witch’s broom includes a lever, wheel, and a propeller. While the other witches look to her with envy.

19. With a broken broom, she’s not going out tonight.

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Indeed, a broken broom can really ruin your night. Still, what’s with the kettles? Cause I don’t get it.

20. In the barnyard, it’s the chickens who fly with the eggs.

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And the rooster doesn’t seem too happy. But the hens on their flying brooms don’t care a bit.

21. “Mind if I drop down your chimney?”

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Too bad since she’s already flown down. Wonder why the old man in bed hasn’t experienced a heart attack with her sudden presence.

22. Should a witch fall into the sea, she’ll have to be fished out.

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Yes, the fisherman’s rescuing a witch who fell into the sea. Despite the fact she has magical powers.

23. “Embrace me, Moon.”

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Yes, apparently in Sweden, witches often like spending their nights with the guy in the moon. Yeah, I don’t know how that’s possible.

24. Flying on 2 brooms is better than one.

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She’s like riding the sky like she’s on water skis. While the moon snidely eyes her with an unpleasant smile.

25. Apparently, warlocks can be pervs.

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Here the guy on his broom eyes at the witch lady with binoculars. The witch is not happy. Kind of plays out like a scene in Harry Potter.

26. Easter greetings from a distinguished chick.

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Seemed like they started smoking so young. Still, the chick seems like he’ll whack you with his riding crook if he could.

27. “So if that’s the Eggman, who is the Walrus?”

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The bunnies are about as stumped as you or me. Guess someone must’ve been on drugs while designing this card.

28. Even bunnies know the meaning of forbidden love.

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Meanwhile, the lamb is resenting having to act as a stool for its rabbit friend. Guess some things aren’t as good as they’re cracked up to be.

29. This chick walks a thin tightrope.

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I don’t expect this ending well. Even worse that it has to wear a rather humiliating costume in the process.

30. Don’t let the space dog grab the broom.

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Think this was made during the Space Race, given how the Russians sent dogs in space. Still, the moon seems like he’s enjoying himself.

31. Easter is a time to get out of one’s shell.

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Yeah, I don’t get how they have people in eggs. Much less including flowers as well.

32. Looks like the chickens are out in their Easter Sunday best.

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I don’t get putting chickens in clothes like this. But they all seem like a rather well-dressed family.

33. Apparently, the witches are eager to fly like the rest of us.

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They may be excited now. But wait until they realize that their cats will need to be in crates and put in the baggage area.

34. Once in awhile, a good looking witch flies through the night sky.

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You can see the men looking up at her. Bunch of skeevy perverts.

35. While some witches wear baggy dresses, some wear very few clothes at all.

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Guess she’s meant for a pinup. Though even characters on Harry Potter wore more while on their brooms than this. Also, Easter usually doesn’t have appropriate weather for swimsuits, especially in Sweden.

36. This chick welcomes you to his humble abode.

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This chick wears a fez and smokes a pipe. I know it’s crazy that you’d think this card’s designer was on drugs.

37. This Easter witch makes a smash on TV.

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Yes, she crashed through the TV. While the bald guys are wondering what the hell just happened.

38. Always test the ladder before you climb it.

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Looks like the ladder couldn’t support the Easter Bunny’s weight. Then again, he might’ve just entered the chicken coop to steal some eggs.

39. “Is that a bunny hatching from that egg?”

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Bunnies don’t hatch from eggs. Nonetheless, I can’t blame the boy from being understandably freaked out by the whole thing.

40. Egg-stealing gnome wishes you a joyous Easter.

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He better be fast cause that rooster looks like he could peck the guy to death. Wouldn’t want that.

41. Perhaps a chick would want a ride on a carousel.

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The eggshells are swings. While one chick waits in line. Still, it’s kind of weird if you look at it.

42. Witches, feel free to take a rest stop in the clouds.

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Well, witches can use a break, too. Still, what the hell’s with that attendant?

43. Easter greetings from the flower ladies.

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Yet, these flowers have women’s faces. Wonder if anyone who designed this was on drugs. Probably. Seriously, why?

44. Easter eggs always drop from a ringing bell.

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This is a tradition in France, by the way. Yeah, it makes no sense to me either.

45. On a cold Easter, the Easter Bunny transports Easter eggs in the snow.

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Normally we don’t associate snow with Easter since it’s a spring holiday. But snow in April isn’t unheard of. Guess this is from Canada.

46. “Who’s in the mood for some accordion music?”

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Seems like nobody’s interested among the chicks. Even the bunny knows his talent isn’t appreciated.

47. This Easter, bunnies will take to the skies.

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Yes, bunnies take to the skies. I know it’s really crazy. One even drops eggs from his basket.

48. “Care for some milk for the cat?”

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You’d almost think these women are at a coven. Nonetheless, their faces look so sinister for 2 old ladies.

49. Egg ladies wish you a happy Easter.

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Indeed, this is really crazy. Even the cat is sort of shaped like an egg. Seriously, why?

50. On Easter, one has to look their best.

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Yet, despite being in a tub, that one chick still wears shorts. Not sure why that is (aside from censorship but even that’s ridiculous).

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The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Sixth Edition)

swallow-clipart-graphicsfairy012bIn January, you often see stores stashed with Valentine’s Day gifts, cards, and decorations. Because let’s just say after one cash cow holiday is over, retail chains just latch onto the next. Though some do use Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday to sell stuff, which goes against the great civil rights leader’s legacy. Anyway, one tradition of Valentine’s Day is exchanging valentines filled with sentiments of love. Though some people may hold nostalgia for some of these vintage cards. Yet, do a Google search and you’ll find that many of these valentines aren’t as wholesome as many would remember. Sure they might have cutesy images. But the words can also be double entendres as well as convey some unsettling messages. While some may depict inappropriate imagery entirely. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of crazy vintage valentines. Enjoy.

  1. Happy Valentine’s Day from the fish and the leek.
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I have no idea what these two have to do with each other. Makes The Shape of Water seem comparatively tame.

2. “I’m grinding out the wish that’s my heart.”

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Featuring a meat grinder in any valentine isn’t really a good idea. Seriously it makes the kid seem like a budding psychopath.

3. “Like mustard on a weenie, I’d go good with you. So be my little valentine, no one else will do!”

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The girl apparently seems impressed by the size of the, uh, hotdog. Seriously, I know the dirty implications of “weenie.”

4. “In spite of all I have to do, I’ll never be forgetting you.”

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Yet, look in the outgoing mail bin, you see that Susie doesn’t just have eyes for one. Susie is a slut.

5. “I’d share my heart with you.”

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But what are they sharing? Is that ice cream? Please let it be ice cream.

6. “Baby it’s brief. I love you, my valentine.”

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And here’s a girl lounging in a sexy pose on a beach chair. Definitely not appropriate for a Valentine’s Day card.

7. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than one of a scary clown.

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And you thought Pennywise was creepy. This guy’s guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

8. “You’re such a pretty little tot/I hope that U will forget me not.”

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Cue the girl reaching into her pocket and pulling out a vial of mace to spray into that boy’s face. I’m sure he has it coming.

9. “Please be ‘frank’, Valentine, ‘must’d be a ‘long’ wait?”

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Cue how he’s got a hungry look in his eyes. And I don’t think it’s for hotdogs either.

10. Nothing will please but the whole package.

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This is rather suggestive, especially with “Big Boy” at the end. Also, the drawing kind of freaks me out.

11. “Every evening after nine, I dream of you, my Valentine.”

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Yet, looking into his cold dead eyes, you wish he wouldn’t. Seriously, the kid’s creeping me out.

12. Will you be my valentine, please?

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Still, “Little Girl” and “Big Boy” doesn’t seem to have appropriate connotation. Also, the girl seems desperate.

13. “I’d like to be my neighbor’s valentine.”

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Sure the kids may not mind. But both seem to have a look that would lead to a restraining order.

14. “I love you now, as I always did./I even loved you as a kid.”

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Okay, this seems a bit creepy. And I think the girl and the cat in the baby carriage is quite freaked out.

15. “I’d love to saddle myself off on you for life!”

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May be innocent enough. But “saddle” seems to carry a rather sexual double entendre. Let’s hope she’s not on a one trick pony.

16. “Stealing a heart is no crime.”

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Is that girl’s dress up? Seems like it. Still, the rabbit really doesn’t want to see that.

17. “I believe in women’s rights- and I’m right this time!”

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Uh, that’s not exactly women’s rights. Besides, there’s a chance she could be wrong.

18. “I’m in a stew over you, Valentine!”

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Yet, this doesn’t mean you should put a dog in a big pot of stew. Unless this is from China.

19. This clown has lots of love for you.

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Still, that doesn’t mean you should go near that guy since he’s pretty terrifying. Though you have to admire how he juggles hearts and a barrel.

20. “You iss like a flower in the garden of my heart.”

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I’m not sure if I’d want flowers from a kid who can easily be the killer in a horror movie. But that’s just me.

21. “You’re the girl for my boy-cycle.”

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For one, the kid is as creepy as hell. Secondly, I think by “boy-cycle” he means his penis. But I must’ve had my mind in the gutter too long.

22. Happy Valentine’s Day from the cross-eyed Dutch girl.

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This must’ve been the fault of the illustration. But you wonder if the girl doesn’t see a doctor. Then again, she might not be able to afford it.

23. “You’ve got me eating out of your hands, my Valentine.”

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I’m guessing the gator is into the girl in the grass skirt. And the girl seems okay with it. Or is that supposed to be a dinosaur? Oh, God, I’m confused.

24. “I aim to make you my Valentine. Can I be your big shot?”

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Again, with the gunplay. Still, no, I don’t want to be your “big shot.”

25. “I’m fiddling while my heart burns for you, Valentine.”

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It’s almost as if he’s a little Nero in the making. Since he seems like the boy who’d fiddle while everything around him goes up in smoke. Mostly because he started the fire.

26. “I’ve enlisted in Cupid’s Army.”

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Apparently, Cupid sees no need to wear pants even in uniform. Seriously, what does he have against pants? And I hope he’s wearing underwear.

27. “Shine on me and make me glow, my Valentine.”

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Did anyone notice how a lightbulb kind of resembles a pair of testicles? Maybe not until you saw this valentine. Kind of explains how men promise you love but they give you their balls.

28. “You’re so sweet- I can eat you up.”

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Though it doesn’t sound quite right coming from a ferocious shark. After all, we’ve all seen Jaws.

29. “I’m fishin’ fer a little girl’s love.”

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Note how he has the large gold fish between his legs. Seems suggestive for a boy doesn’t it? You can see why he wants a little girl’s “love.”

30. “I’ll hammer away till you’re mine.”

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Hammering away till they’re yours isn’t a good relationship strategy. If she doesn’t want you, she doesn’t want you. Also, he’s totally nailing the heart.

31. Hope your valentine is out of this world.

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See how the heart is strategically placed over the alien’s chest. Still, I think it’s supposed to be a girl given the eyelashes and pony tail.

32. “I’m gunning for you, Valentine! I aim to please you!”

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The gun and holster image shows that this pertains to sex. Seriously, they don’t even try to imply it.

33. Looks like Cupid is staging a stick up.

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Seems like he’s after love and money. Yet, he doesn’t seem intimidating wearing a golden belt with a holster.

34. “Pop! Pop!…will go this gun of mine as long as you’re my Valentine!”

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Don’t think a boy should be putting his hand into a cannon. Else he’ll either end up in the ER or six feet under.

35. “Be my Valentine. I think you are a deer.”

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You mean you think I’m someone to shoot at and make into food and clothes. Also, it’s cool for white kids to dress as Native Americans.

36. Happy Valentine’s Day from Officer Monkey.

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And that monkey has a gun and a night stick. I think you want to watch out for him and run for the hills.

37. “I will have an axe to grind unless you’ll be my valentine.”

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Boy isn’t messing around either. So accept him or he’ll hack you to pieces. Seriously, this is messed up.

38. “We’d be way out on Valentine’s Day.”

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Didn’t know they had valentines of the Rolling Stones. Guess this one is Mick Jagger. Though you won’t get any satisfaction from this one.

39. “My heart’s zooming like a rocket for you, Valentine.”

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And yet he’s holding onto a rocket shooting up into space. Note the phallic imagery as it’s situated between his legs.

40. Someone’s hunting for your heart.

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The boy is on a boat with a gun and holding a gun. So run for the hills or he’ll bag you as a trophy.

41. So does a tennis player score at all when making love?

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I bet the gist of this card is: “So do you think I’m great in bed?” But they used tennis motifs to make it seem wholesome when it’s not.

42. “You’re different, Valentine!”

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Yet, this one features a tiki mask. Something that Polynesian people hold as a sacred image. Oh, commercialism, what will you debase next?

43. Green Arrow is aiming for his valentine.

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Yet, unlike Cupid, I don’t think his arrows will make you fall in love with someone. Rather they’ll probably kill you. Also, he kind of resembles a sex dungeon Robin Hood.

44. He’s out to trap his valentine.

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Sure he might be stalking for his valentine. But at least he’s got a blunderbuss. So he’s only got one shot.

45. “I want a good girl-bad!”

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Yet, smoking a cigarette while being dressed in shorts and a sweater won’t help. Seriously, he reminds me of a pint-sized Victor McLagen from The Informer.

46. Of course, Valentine’s Day has its share of broken hearts.

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Though this is just utterly ridiculous. Seriously, she might be sad. But she kind of makes me wonder if the designers were on drugs at the time.

47. Perhaps you might want to buy a watermelon.

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Okay, this is really racist. Yeah, I know it was a different time. But still, the offensiveness must be noted. Also, see how the girl has bare feet and is smiling.

48. Want to do the hula for love?

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Not sure if this is offensive. But what the hell is the girl wearing under her grass skirt?

49. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like the sound of a machine gun from the trenches.

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What does Valentine’s Day have to do with a combat zone? Shouldn’t love be about promoting peace between nations? Not killing each other?

50. Want to propose to your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day? Send them this lobster valentine.

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Well, chances are if you’re using a ring, you can’t afford a lobster dinner anyway. Still, lobster is a strange thing to put on a valentine.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Fifth Edition)

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Back in the day, people would often send Christmas greeting cards to each other. Now like many Christmas traditions, the practice of exchanging cards during the holiday season began during the Victorian era. As you can imagine some of these cards might evoke some sentimentality with its Christmas imagery. Yet, there are some that will make you go “what the fuck?” Over the years I’ve done annual vintage Christmas cards posts, the older ones tend to be the crazier. You have to wonder whether the designers of these baffling cards wanted to be creative or funny. Or they had no idea what constitutes as an appropriate Christmas card. Or they were willing to try anything. Of course, when you think of old-fashioned Christmas cards, these don’t usually come to mind. But they do exist and I intend to show some of them. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas greeting cards that time forgot. Enjoy.

  1. Santa Claus looks to the Earth from his satellite.
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So this is another Santa in space card. Wonder how Santa doesn’t manage to suffocate and die. Is his suit magical?

2. Wishing you a jolly Christmas from the local neighborhood psychokiller.

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For how else could you explain a bloody saw on a Christmas card? Seriously, a bloody saw doesn’t represent Peace on Earth to me.

3. All aboard on the Santa Express.

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Yet, Santa seems way too big for the engine since he’s sitting on it like a toy. Still, there’s plenty to go around for all the kids. Yet, they just want his Christmas tree, which is not for sale.

4. Nobody wants to see Krampus out in the snow.

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Seems like he’s got a frightened kid already. But apparently, there seems room for more despite how full his basket seems.

5. Careful not to get stuck in the Christmas pudding.

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Apparently, these kids didn’t get the memo. Or they’re digging into the pudding like ravenous ants.

6. Apparently, Santa has started delivering gifts via airship this year.

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“Here’s a dolly for Susie and down the chimney she goes. Now on to the next house since I have to make millions of visits within 24 hours.”

7. Seems like we’ve got a few kids hiding in the tree.

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For one, a tree with candle lights is a fire hazard. Second, is that kid munching on an ornament? Third, the 2 kids on top scare the hell out of me.

8. Seasons Greetings from cats learning math.

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Okay, I can see why Victorians would go for this since cats are cute. But cats solving math problems hardly fits the idea of Christmas. Yet, one doesn’t seem to pay attention in class.

9. “With the season’s greetings.”

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Now that has to be one of the freakiest flowers I’ve ever seen. And it seems to be among the carnivorous types about to devour a bee with a basket.

10. Battling ants give compliments of the season.

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This scene would be epic for a war movie. These guys got weapons and instruments. It’s very impressive. But what the hell does it have anything to do with Christmas? It’s about peace on earth, not mass ant slaughter.

11. “A friend in need is a friend indeed.”

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Apparently, there didn’t seem to be much traffic enforcement in Victorian times. And the horse is about to run into a blind man, which you can tell by the sign he’s wearing. It’s up to his dog to save the day.

12. Frosty is pleased to make your acquaintance.

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Yet, the girls don’t seemed freaked out by the snowman coming to life and taking off his hat like a gentleman. Even the dog is intrigued.

13. “May you spend a happy Christmas.”

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So this season’s greetings is coming from a flying jellyfish. How the hell is that possible?

14. “Wishing you a merry Christmas” from a pair of stiff upper-lip cats.

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Indeed, they’re on a Sunday morning walk through the meadow. But their relationship hasn’t been the greatest lately.

15. “May Christmas pass as merrily with us/As with the enterprising little puss/Who quite enjoys flirting and the fuss.”

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So the cat’s basically making the moves on a lady cat. While her father watches so they don’t get too frisky.

16. “Wishing you a purr-fectly happy Christmas” from cats on a whistle.

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Apparently, the Victorians seem to like cats a lot. Still, how they got on the whistle, I don’t have the slightest idea.

17. “Now dance and jump and make good cheer/For Christmas comes but once a year.”

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However, that chicken hasn’t been in good shape. While the rabbits play on.

18. Best not to disturb the birdhouse.

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Yet, I don’t think he’s come for any benign intent. If he wakes up the bird, he’s bound to get pecked to death.

19. Nothing makes Christmas like throwing snowballs on a local policeman.

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It’s all fun and games until the bobby gets his stick out and chases them. Yeah, might want to go back inside.

20. “Nice weather for young ducks.”

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Really? Oh, I see they’re ice skating. Yet, I don’t think winter weather is nice for young ducks. That would be spring.

21. Krampus always knows how to make a clean getaway.

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So, kids, sit back and relax since Krampus is about to take you through the highway to Hell. Though he does have a basket of apples for refreshment.

22. Perhaps the Krampus will take you on a sled ride.

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The kids in the basket are waving goodbye to the one left behind. Wonder if the children are putting on a brave front since they don’t seem scared.

23. You might want to look out behind you.

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For the Krampus is coming to get this girl. Yet, she doesn’t seem to have any idea he’s around.

24. “Get into the firey inferno! I don’t have all day!”

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Obviously, the kids would be reluctant to go into a fiery death. But as far as Krampus is concerned, they shouldn’t have acted like brats in the first place.

25. The fishermen fish wish you a merry Christmas.

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I know fishes eat other fish. But this Christmas card is absolutely ridiculous. Seriously, why?

26. “Make every cat grow sleek and fat on turkey this Christmas day.”

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And yet, the turkey on the table appears quite small. While the cook cat cries for not being able to find a bigger bird to eat among the mass outrage.

27. Nothing says Christmas like gnomes gathering round the Christmas tree in a rustic cabin.

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So the elder gnome sits smoking his pipe. While the smaller gnomes dance around the tree. Are those supposed to be his children? Also, what’s that pig doing in the window?

28. Even the Krampus is in the mood for love once in awhile.

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Apparently, despite his appearance and reputation for kidnapping children, he’s a hit with the ladies. Not sure why since I wouldn’t want to go 100ft near him.

29. “Want to ride in my pig pulled sleigh?”

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It’s possible that a pig pulled sleigh can be done. But pigs aren’t known for smelling that great. Yet, this girl doesn’t seem to mind.

30. “A Merry Christmas to you” from some classy owls.

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After all, owls don’t go out on the town without their top hats. But they usually act like gentlemen.

31. “We’ve got plans for you, Goldilocks.”

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Apparently, the 3 Bears snatched her from her bead and are now taking her to a pot to boil alive. That’ll teach the girl not to stage a home invasion.

32. “With the season’s greetings,” from an onion.

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I think it’s supposed to be shaped like a woman with the long hair and root dress. Still, this is pretty messed up.

33. “A Merry Christmas to you” from a couple of clowns.

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Here a scary clown shoves a guy into a barrel head first. While the old clown couldn’t bear to watch. I don’t want to know what happens next.

34. “In silvery accents whispering low_a happy Christmastide!”

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Yet, the guy seems rather pissed off on how the cats’ singing is disrupting his sleep. One of them seems to sing, “Memory, all alone in the moonlight…”

35. “To wish you the compliments of the season.”

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Now watch this spider eat the fly trapped in its web. Since when does stuff like this belong on a Christmas card?

36. “Let not roast beef be carelessly passed by/At Christmas hold him in esteem most high.”

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I’ve heard about beefy men before. But this just takes it to the utter extreme. Woman doesn’t seem to mind that his head is literally on a platter.

37. “With the compliments to the season” by a cat and owl.

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Seems like the cat and owl got a good catch of mice with dandy traps. And no, I really don’t want to try one.

38. Christmas is a time when birds come to greet each other in the snow.

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Funny, how one’s wearing a top hat and is smoking a cigar. While another has a winter hat on.

39. This rabbit is pulling for a merry Christmas.

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Now I can understand this for an Easter card. But Christmas, seriously? That doesn’t make sense.

40. “Bright be thy Christmas.”

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Since nothing should evoke Christmas like junk photo. Actually, what does China have to do with Christmas?

41. “A Merry Christmas to you” from the meadow.

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Okay, this make a great Easter card since it includes lambs and evokes spring. But a Christmas card, are you fucking kidding me?

42. These rays come in with the catch of the day.

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So what do stingray fishermen have anything to do with Christmas? Seriously, I have no idea why they’re featured on a card like this.

43. Everyone enjoys a good sleigh ride now and then.

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Yet, it’s pulled by a pig whose shit can reek the whole neighborhood. Though the two ladies also enjoy a bottle of booze for extra merriment.

44. “I have come to greet you.”

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Yes, that’s coming from a talking goat while the boy’s just shocked out of his mind. Then again, the goat might want him to share some of his snack. Also, what does this have to do with Christmas?

45. Perhaps you might want some Christmas delights.

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Here they come with the roast, pudding, and drinks. Oh, you’re freaked out. Well, try tipping them if you don’t want them to haunt your dreams.

46. “What next will Mr. Pudding do:/Cycling like this to me and you.”

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Wonder what he did to piss off the fruit chasing him. The world will never know. But he’s terrifying nonetheless.

47. “May Christmas bring you many pleasures.”

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Though these kids bring a wreath and flowers as a way to be nice. Before they kill you in your sleep for giggles. Yes, they are that evil.

48. “Who’s afraid?”

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Actually, this would’ve been okay as a Christmas card. Save for the caption. And how the bird inquisitively looks at the tin soldier in the snow.

49. Biking chickens wish you a merry Christmas.

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Apparently, they prefer the big wheel variety. While they seem to have their wings tucked in their shirts.

50. Sophisticated monkey wishes you a merry Christmas.

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Well, this isn’t too bad. Assuming if we lived in a Planet of the Apes universe. Also, he has human hands which is weird.

 

 

Ghastly Halloween Greetings in the Ghoulish Days of Old (Fourth Edition)

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Now it’s onto the vintage Halloween greeting cards. Over the years, I’ve showed my readers all the crazy Halloween vintage cards out there. Sure, the pumpkin scarecrow smoking a pipe might not fly today. Yet, compared to some of the old Halloween cards out there, it’s pretty tame. Of course, you’ll see plenty of witches, jack-o’-lanterns, ghosts, goblins, devils, skeletons, and other scary figures in the night. Yet, you’d also see plenty of other strange figures that would make you wonder whether these cards were created on an opium haze. You’ll find creatures made out of pumpkins and gourds. You’ll see children with pumpkin heads. You may even see a man in the moon with an unsettling grin. Furthermore, you may think the kids in these cards seem uncannily sinister than cute. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasure trove of crazy Halloween cards bound to give you either the giggles or nightmares.

  1. “When witches abound/And ghosts are seen/Your fate you will learn/On Halloween.”
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However, after she’s carving that pumpkin, Elsie plans on going on a midnight murder spree with her friends. Her cat’s not pleased.

2. “Gladys, I think you’ve been smoking peyote for far too long.”

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I don’t know about you, but the jack-o’-lantern seems pretty high. Like how is that possible?

3. “On Hallowe’en look in the glass/Your future husband’s face will pass.”

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Though I’d worry more about the shadowy witch behind her if I was that woman. Seriously, she’s literally in the shadows.

4. Have a happy Halloween but look out for goblins.

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So that’s what those pumpkin people near the mushrooms supposed to be. Yet, these kids don’t seem scared by them for some reason.

5. “Beware! The time is here/In which the witches do appear.”

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Forget the witches. I think the clock is kind of freaky looking. Not to mention, it has a jack-o’-lantern pendulum.

6. This witch comes to cast you a Halloween spell of good luck and riches.

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Judging by the cat freaking out, I kind of beg to differ. Since the witch kind of seems sinister with a jack-o’-lantern light.

7. Beware of the pumkinheaded man on top a white horse.

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Oh, wait, that’s a guy dressed as a pumpkinheaded man on a horse. Also, what’s with the cats on their backs? Are they dead?

8. Remember, ghosts come out on Halloween night.

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The owl’s like, “I freaking go out at night. You think I didn’t know that already?”

9. Beware of going out at night when the pumpkin man is on the premises.

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This boy doesn’t know what’s coming to him. Also, what’s with the green cat?

10. Halloween greetings from the little witch in the pumpkin house.

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Okay, that house looks pretty freaky. Yet, the little witch is more upset about her jack-o’-lantern falling apart.

11. On Halloween, even the cars have faces.

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That will certainly give you a deer in the headlights look. The kid driving it is even freakier.

12. Happy Halloween from the spider woman.

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Really don’t want to know how they would’ve drawn Spiderman. Seriously, the spider with a woman’s head already scares the shit out of me.

13. “May Halloween fun be yours.”

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These kids appear like the stuff of nightmares. No wonder the man in the moon is kind of freaking out.

14. Bobbing for apples is great Halloween fun.

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I wouldn’t think this boy sees it that way. More like he doesn’t want to go through that again.

15. “Boil and bubble/Toil and trouble.”

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The cat’s like, “When you’re finished, please don’t test it on me. I don’t want know what it’ll do to me!”

16. “On Halloween: a dark secret.”

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What’s that girl doing with that boy’s hand? I don’t have a good feeling about her.

17. You won’t get a fright if you set a jack-o’-lantern alight.

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However, I’m more scared of seeing the Ooompah Loompahs hauling a pumpkin out of the patch. Seriously, ever saw them sing whenever a kid succumbs to temptation?

18. Be wary of black cats on Halloween.

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For they seem to eye the girl with her jack-o’-lantern so eerily. Like they’re her minions doing her bidding. Even witches have trouble with black cats.

19. The demons always love to come out on Halloween.

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Though the smoking pumpkins seem far more sinister. The devils just seem like they’re jumping freestyle.

20. This lovely witch wishes you a joyful Halloween.

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But her broomstick is equipped with state of the art pumpkins and gourds. the jack-o’-lantern serves as headlights.

21. Nothing is more fun on Halloween than a witches’ circle.

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As the witches dance around the jack-o’-lantern, the cat’s hairs stand on end. Guess it doesn’t like how things are going or something more sinister.

22. Beware when the pumpkinhead ghosts comes to your door.

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I can see why this woman is certainly upset to see this ghoul. Since I’d feel the same way.

23. Halloween greetings from the night fairies.

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Here they carry Chinese lanterns on sticks. Still, I’m not sure what fairies have to do with Halloween.

24. On Halloween night, best to look behind the ghost in the mirror.

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Seems like the Oompah Loompahs are behind it. Though such hijinks by them seems kind of benign in comparison.

25. On Halloween night, even the youngest witches come out.

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By how that girl smiles, I can understand why the cats are freaking out. Since she seems likely to whack someone with her broomstick.

26. Don’t forget to feed the pumpkin on Halloween night.

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And here the demons are getting all the kindling and fuel at the ready. All this does is make the pumpkin even more terrifying.

27. To deter tick-tackers, always keep a pumpkin scarecrow in handy.

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Sure it may seem to do the trick. All this kid needed was a jack-o’-lantern, stakes, and a white sheet.

28. Look out, it’s the pumpkin man!

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Actually, I’m more disturbed with the costumed kids than the running pumpkin guy. After them, pumpkin man! Get ’em!

29. These children wish you a happy Halloween around the jack-o’-lantern.

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Though I’m not sure what scares me more: the creepy children or the glowing jack-o’-lantern. Yet, the cats seem to take it in stride.

30. “To greet you heartily this Hallowe’en.”

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Heartily? These pumpkins seem to go after the scared black cat with the intention to kill.

31. This witch gives you Halloween greetings from her pumpkin cauldron.

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Though she doesn’t seem happy with what she’s doing. “Why did I have to brew draught of the living dead when I could’ve left home and become a magician?”

32. Girls and boys always enjoy bobbing for apples.

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Jack-o’-lantern’s like “they’re going make out, aren’t they? Why do I have to see this?”

33. “The pumpkin light of Hallowe’en is the only by which elves are seen.”

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Those are elves? More like terrifying goblins from what I see. Please, keep them away.

34. Halloween greetings from the pretty red-haired witch.

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Apparently, the man in the moon seems to enjoy seeing her. The cat, not so much.

35. You can never have too many bats in the house on Halloween.

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Yet, why she’s in a lovely silk pink dress among the bats, I don’t have the slightest idea. And why is she holding up a broomstick? Is she a witch?

36. “You’ll meet your fate on Hallowe’en.”

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Well, the mice certainly know their fate. Yet, the pumpkin head kids on a log also give me nightmares.

37. Hope you have fun at a Halloween party.

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The girl in the witch costume is like, “I’d like to go home now.” And judging by the cats freaking out and the guy’s ghastly scarecrow costume, I wouldn’t blame her.

38. A Halloween bonfire is always a good time.

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However, these kids don’t seem to have any fun. Also, wonder what’s in that pot the ghost is stirring.

39. Guys, if you look into the fire on Halloween, you’ll see your future wife.

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Okay, that’s kind of freaky. Maybe he should try the mirror, that might be safer. Reminds me too much of Frollo’s “Hellfire.”

40. Halloween is always a night of revelry in an enchanted world.

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Are naked gnomes? God, they’re hideously terrifying. Definitely giving me bad dreams tonight.

41. A witch enjoys spending time with a pumpkin on a seesaw.

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Though the cat seems freaked out by the witch, I’m more terrified over the pumpkin. Also, its limbs seemed made out of peanuts.

42. “Don’t be scared on Hallowe’en/Things are seldom what they seem.”

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Yeah, that helps when you have a pumpkin headed demon behind you. Know that I was being sarcastic.

43. Beware of the dreaded pumpkin men on Halloween night.

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Here is a woman on a pumpkin who seems unimpressed by what she sees. Like she thought they’d be more scary looking.

44. Best you don’t get scared this Halloween.

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Apparently, that kid is like, “Just imagine what you’ll dream about when I get to you.” Don’t have a good feeling about this.

45. There’s nothing on Halloween than a dance with the pumpkin guys.

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Okay, I think whoever designed this car must’ve been some heavy drugs at the time. Yet, the cat’s basically like, “What the fuck is going on here?”

46. You’ll never know what will come out of your jack-o’-lantern on Halloween night.

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Kid doesn’t seem to mind that a witch is literally coming out of his pumpkin. Yet, even he doesn’t seem particularly right in the head either.

47. Don’t go in the woods on Halloween night if you dare.

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Those trees behind the boy seem particularly sinister. Get out of there, Johnny, before they kill you!

48. Halloween is always a time of spooks in the night.

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Though I think the moon seems to scare the shit out of me more than anything else in this card. Seriously, he doesn’t seem up to any good.

49. Perhaps you might want to go on a Halloween balloon ride.

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Yet, the balloon seems eerily empty. While the jack-o’-lantern still smiles. Not sure what to think.

50. Halloween greetings from a little witch and her cat.

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Cat’s basically like, “Help me!” You can’t even imagine what kind of hell it’s living through as this girl says, “I’ll hug ’em and squeeze ’em, and kee ’em forever and ever.”

Easter Greetings from the Days of Yesteryear (Fourth Edition)

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During the Easter season, you might see a lot of these Easter greeting cards. Many of them depict beautiful imagery like you see above. Some of them might have cute bunnies and chicks. Some may have colored eggs and Easter baskets. Yet, while sending Easter greeting cards isn’t very common nowadays, people would send these back in the day. But while some of these may evoke warm feelings of nostalgia, some might make you scratch your head in confusion. Or inspire laughter. Since I started doing posts on vintage Easter cards, I’ve found plenty, especially if they pertain to anthropomorphic critters like rabbits and chicks. This time is no different. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of crazy vintage Easter cards that time forgot.

  1. Sergeant Bunny’s selling some eggs and chicks.

Here he has some eggs in bags and nets and chicks in a cage. Whew, selling this stuff must be a lot of work.

2. Gather round to hear some homeless bunny street musicians.

Heard they’re a folk music band called Benny Long Ears and the Hare Hutch. And they’re basically playing for carrots.

3. Easter greetings from the egg shell hot air balloon.

While it may look cute, you have to wonder about the laws of physics in this one. Because I’m not sure if an eggshell has any wind resistance.

4. Sometimes you have to lounge around in a giant eggshell.

Because walking your rabbits is always exhausting. Oh, that’s supposed to be a wagon?

5. Hope you can make yourselves at home at a giant egg house.

Apparently, they come from a world with two kinds of rabbits. Ones that wear clothes and walk on hind legs. And ones that don’t. Also, the chicken couple doesn’t seem to mind that the a sentient rabbit is hoarding eggs.

6. Nothing says Easter like a naked child on top a lamb.

However, the sheep doesn’t seem thrilled with the kid riding on it and incessantly ringing the bell. Yes, that can be annoying.

7. Easter greetings from the chick hikers.

However, Jerry wasn’t pleased with Stanley’s habit of singing and playing accordion music. If Stan didn’t stop, Jerry swore to God he’d whack him with his cane.

8. “Who ordered the Easter eggs?”

While the Easter Bunny fills Easter baskets once a year, he mostly works as a waiter. And he mostly gets by on tips.

9. Be careful holding Easter eggs on your dress.

Because the mama and daddy chicks are out for blood. Wait, chicks have chicks? This is messed up.

10. “So, kids, you want your eggs wrapped?”

And there you see the chicks looking by as the rabbit vender sells their fellow brethren to children. And they can’t do anything about it.

11. Children always delight seeing bunny egg races.

Funny, how the bunny’s driving two other bunnies to run the chariot. Not sure how that works.

12. Since Easter opens spring, love is in the air.

Though I’m not sure if this boy knows anything about consent. Because I don’t think the girl asked for it. Boy, sexual misconduct starts young.

13. Someone seems reluctant to get out of her shell.

Though she appears annoyed, it’s her doll that terrifies me. Yeah, that thing freaks me out.

14. Of course, you need egg lamps for the Easter parade.

Didn’t know that Easter eggs could light up like that. Yet, that doesn’t explain why they’re not wearing pants.

15. Eggshell rabbit wishes you a joyous Easter.

Yet, he’s greeted by a bunny with no clothes on. And the eggshell has a few cracks.

16. This chick has some eggs to sell in his basket.

Yes, this is a chick selling Easter eggs. Not sure how to explain that. And he’s even smoking a pipe.

17. City chickens always take the flower trolley.

So this trolley is filled with chicks and chickens. And yet, the chicks are seen as adults. Not sure why.

18. Sometimes a bunny has to do what she’s got to do.

Seems like the mother bunny’s come back with a load of eggs. And she’s showing her daughter the ropes.

19. Apparently, chicks always go for the bunnies.

Well, at least the rabbit is a gentleman. While the chick band plays in the background.

20. These 3 bunnies await for a steamship to come by the docks.

One bunny is using a chick for his portable organ. Like an organ grinder uses a monkey.

21. Holding a baby chick is always precious.

Yet, this girl is like, “I’ll hug em’ and squeeze em’ and keep em’ for ever and ever.” Yeah, that chick’s not set for a happy life.

22. Hop aboard the mighty SS Eggshell.

It’s an eggshell wooden ship with sails and flowers. But it’s all manned by chicks.

23. Chicks always love to fly on an Easter basket airship.

It even has Easter egg sand bags. But let’s hope no beak goes near the blimp.

24. Easter greetings from the chicks on a jeep.

Okay, it’s an old fashioned car. And the chicks are in military hats. But you have to like the pussy willow hood ornament.

25. In America, Easter chicks always hop off the blimp with a ladder.

Yes, I know it’s kind of crazy. But at least they’re not putting their beaks at the canvas.

26. Nothing impresses like pulling a rabbit out of their hat.

Yet, the bunny doesn’t seem impressed. Hope that woman stops gloating because she might be in a world of pain.

27. Spring cherubs always spread happiness at Eastertide.

This is kind of like a version of the bunny egg chariot. But the naked children pulling the egg cart don’t seem to mind.

28. Children always like finding eggs and chasing chickens.

Luckily the rooster got his family behind the giant Easter egg. Still, if the kids piss him off, they will soon regret it. Because roosters will attack.

29. I guess nobody wants to share a small egg home with a sheep.

Don’t look now. But I think that sheep just mauled the little kid. Yes, this home isn’t big enough for the both of them.

30. Let’s stop by to the hen with the Easter eggs.

Tragically, she’s so poor that she’ll have to sell some of her own children. What a shame.

31. Sometimes the Easter Bunny may toss an egg to a child.

Let’s hope that egg doesn’t break. Or else the girl gets egg all over her face.

32. A white rabbit is always a stunning Easter sight.

Yet, a white rabbit with red eyes has a certain creepiness to it. And this one seems like it’s up to something.

33. This chick and rabbit sit on a bench on a lazy afternoon.

The chick has a basket of eggs. Yet, the chick and bunny seems kind of messed up to me.

34. Victorian ladies often found bunnies irresistible.

She keeps them in the cage she’s sitting on along with a couple of chicks. Oh, and she’s wearing a fur stole while holding one.

35. “May Easter now and ever be,/A source for pleasure pure for thee.”

Yes, I know the rabbit’s talking from the egg. But it’s the little girl who creeps me out.

36. It’s well known that the Easter Bunny often stages a raid at a chicken coop.

Yet, while dismayed, the hen gives up without a fight. The rabbits are stunned.

37. Hobo rabbits often travel on old timey bikes.

How these rabbits can climb up the bikes, I have now idea. Yet they somehow do while carrying bindle sticks.

38. Somehow this chick’s terrified of taking a swim.

Considering what swimsuit she’s wearing, I wouldn’t blame her. Those kinds of swimsuits were impractical anyway.

39. It’s always best to practice singing early in the morning.

But standing on an egg? Not the brightest idea. Though I do like how the conductor is in his robe and pajamas.

40. While on a boat ride, a guitar always comes handy.

Yet, it seems that no one wants to hear Old Cheepy play “Oh, Susannah” for the 100th time. How annoying.

41. Apparently, Johnny likes to balance a chicken and eggs on his head.

There are so many ways this can go wrong. Also, that girl looks a bit weird.

42. “So what will it be for the eggs?”

And I see the kids and the rabbit are at the haggling stage. Don’t really want to know how this goes.

43. It takes a bell to teach bunnies how to sing.

A bell conducting bunnies during a recital? Sounds like this card was envisioned during a absinthe binge.

44. “Wait, who goes there?”

Well, if you were minding your business while being intruded by a creepy guy with a hammer and chisel, you’d feel the same way. That guy is terrifying.

45. Happy Easter from a couple of egg people.

Yes, I know these two seem like they’re straight from a drunken haze. Because I don’t know how else to explain it.

46. Speaking of egg people, here’s a couple walking their bee.

Yes, this is an egg couple walking their bee. Can’t believe I just said that.

47. Occasionally, a rooster might upset the eggs from the basket.

Not sure what I find a bit freakish about this. The large rooster screaming over eggs about to break? Or its human hands?

48. Hope your Easter comes well stacked.

Though these bunnies are stacked on each other, one is worried how their tower will hold. Let’s hope it doesn’t fall.

49. These bush bunnies wish you a happy Easter.

However, these rabbits seem like they’re planning to kill someone than give eggs to children. Avoid them like the plague.

50. This bunny band always plays on the eggs.

One’s even playing on eggs with music on it. Yet, let’s hope they’re careful for eggs aren’t the most durable things.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Fifth Edition)

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Now that it’s late January, you’re bound to see plenty of red, pink, and white hearts at the store for Valentine’s Day. Sure it’s a day when people celebrate love and romance within the confines of the unpredictable snowy weather. Well, as far as we see it in the foreseeable future. So naturally, it’s a time when people send valentines to each other to express their love, along with candy and a stuff animal. This wasn’t much different back in the day. And while you might see plenty of cute valentines from that time, you’ll find some that seem rather strange. Some might contain double entendres. Some might be outright racist. Some may be creepy and contain unsettling messages. Some might defy all sense of logical explanation. But whatever the case, sending these old timey cards to your sweetheart might result in an inevitable breakup. However, feel free to look at these for a good laugh, especially if you’re single. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage valentines from yesterday.

  1. “Valentine! Speaking of spooks and haunts and such-beware! Help! Watch out!”

For one, Halloween has been over for like months. Second, sentiments like “beware,” “help,” and “watch out” don’t have good connotations.

2. You can even say the Devil has a heart on Valentine’s Day.

And here he stabs one with a pitchfork. All the other hearts below him are in a pit of fire. Not sure what to make out of that.

3. “Stop de-baiting and be my valentine.”

Still, we know why fishermen bait a fish. And it’s more along the lines of catch to eat. Nevertheless, the fish kind of reminds me of a Creature of the Black Lagoon winking in makeup.

4. Seems like some Indian wants you in her teepee.

Boy, that’s racist. Not only the speech seems offensive but the Indian looks pretty white.

5. All this guy wants is a girl in the kitchen to cook for him.

Some like light boys. Some like dark boys. But all I want is a guy who can make his own damn sandwich.

6. “Forbidden fruit is sweetest.”

Well, let’s say that this boy is budding pervert looking up that girl’s skirt. Bet this won’t go well.

7. Painting a heart can always do the trick.

I know it’s supposed to be red paint. But it looks like blood. This boy may love but he has a sick way of showing it.

8. “If you’ll be my sweetheart, I will be your beau.”

Sorry, Bobby, but I don’t think she’s interested. She’s still hung up over Pete going with Gretchen.

9. “O, Cupid, Cupid, how could you be so cruel!”

Takes “playing games with my heart” to a whole new level. But in this case, it’s soccer.

10. One always has eyes on their valentine.

Though I don’t take the guy’s stare as a loving embrace. Reminds me of some guy with a sick murder fetish.

11. “I aim to win you. You’re the ‘big shot’ in my life!”

But does she really need to use a cannon? Even if the balls have hearts on them. I’m sure she’d have better luck with the unusually short skirt.

12. Apparently, the Krampus has something to do with Valentine’s Day.

Though sometimes Krampus can get bored waiting until next Christmas to terrorize you. So he spends Valentines roasting hearts on a rotisserie.

13. Sometimes a valentine choice depends on what kind of house one lives.

So Jenny won’t live with Jimmy in a cottage. But she’ll have him in a bungalow. Apparently, she has her preferences.

14. “I feel awful funny whenever I think of you.”

So Bubbles the Clown has two hearts with an arrow stitched on his ass. Then again, his smile sends an uncomfortable vibe.

15. “Don’t be afraid, it’s only me with your Valentine.”

But showing up with a freaking mask doesn’t help matters. Then again, even without the mask, the kid still looks pretty creepy.

16. Love can always be better than money.

Basically, this valentine says, “I may be broke, but I have plenty of love to go around.” Still, he kind of seems a bit all over her. Yet, she doesn’t seem to mind.

17. “I’d like to label you ‘all mine’ and tell the gang you’re my valentine!”

Though putting a heart on her back doesn’t seem to have good implications. This is especially if she’s bewildered by the whole thing.

18. “Don’t keep me in the dog house, my valentine.”

And yes, this boy is literally in the dog house. Still, I’m not sure what would put him in the dog house. Nor do I want to know.

19. “I’ll come clean, be my valentine.”

Unfortunately, this scene sends a lot of Sandusky locker room vibes. Let’s just say, I find this valentine as disturbing as hell.

20. “It beats all how much I like you, Valentine!”

Sorry, but this Black Sambo beating a drum won’t win over that black person you’re trying to impress. Because it’s incredibly racist.

21. “You’re unusual, Valentine. Be mine.”

But saying she’s unusual like a carnival attraction might not go over well. Also, the girl’s in a cannon.

22. “The ‘bare fact’ is I want you for my valentine!”

Note that she’s naked and has a towel over her naughty bits. You can get what she might imply from the intended recipient.

23. Police clown wants you to be his valentine.

Though I wouldn’t want to be caught by this guy. Since he’s the stuff of nightmares. And he’s angry.

24. “Boom goes my heart!”

Note how he has the cannon positioned at his nether region. If you’ve looked at my other posts with boys and cannons, you can probably guess what this implies.

25. “This is no ‘boner,’ you’re my sweetheart.”

Actually, ‘boner’ meant a mistake at the time. But considering it’s a valentine, it might mean what you get from Viagra.

26. “No monkeying- I’m starving for you, my valentine.”

Though the girl’s holding the banana rather suggestively. And, no, that doesn’t look right.

27. “There’s ‘space’ in my heart for you, Valentine!”

Here he hugs onto the rocket. Not sure what that means, but I can guess there’s a phallic implication.

28. “Here is a king size chocolate wish for you!”

For nothing suggests love like the prospect of lung cancer, heart disease, and respiratory problems. Awww.

29. Even in injury, some just don’t know when to quit.

The fact he has a bump and bandage on his head doesn’t seem to get him to come to his senses. Also, if his valentine is a private secretary, then he might be liable for sexual harassment.

30. No guy would be wise to turn down Lixie.

Yet, I’m not sure what the candy she’s selling. Though it seems rather stick like. Oh, wait…

31. Sometimes a heart can be a bait for a trap.

You mean they had rats in valentines? Seriously, this is just so messed up. And yes, I think the heart is a trap.

32. “I’ll never forget/So you can bet/I’ll get you yet!”

Let’s just say the idea of an elephant coming to get you is just frightening. Also, suggests that the giver has no idea how to conduct a healthy relationship.

33. This guy is all tied for his valentine.

For nothing says love like tying oneself to a heart with Cupid’s help. If you and your sweetheart love kinky sex games, this is for you.

34. “I get a ‘bang’ out of you!”

Yes, hammer motifs in valentines are pretty disturbing. And this one pretty much nails it in.

35. “My love is hot by ginger, Valentine!”

Another instance of misplaced holiday icons. Still, the gingerbread man’s face may seem borderline offensive to some viewers. Or creep you out.

36. “You’re really ‘solid,’ let’s start now.”

I think I know where this going. And I’m implying beyond the kissing and hugging stage here.

37. “I have nine lives of love for you, my valentine.”

Nonetheless, Felix the Cat has just been released from Arkham Asylum. And he’ll wreak havoc on Gotham City as we speak since Batman has cat allergies.

38. “I’m ‘crying’ my eyes out for you. Be my Valentine!”

Sure the message may be sweet. But using a freakish yellow onion clown from nightmares doesn’t do any favors.

39. “Gr-r-r. I’ll be angry if you won’t be mine!”

Looking at that tiger, I don’t think this is a healthy way to initiate a relationship. Guess not good rejection.

40. This kitty wants to play a song for you.

Nevertheless, I’m not sure if I want to hear this cat on the piano. Seems a bit angry in the eyes. Like she’ll scratch you up if you reject her.

41. “It’s strictly business, be my valentine!”

I’m sure this girl should report this creep to Human Resources. Also, note how this guy looks at her back.

42. Cupid sends Valentine’s greetings.

And he has a large chest with hearts all over it. Don’t really want to know what he has in there. In fact, I’d rather not dwell on it.

43. Even Superman isn’t immune to love.

Yes, to Superman, love is like Kryptonite. It makes him weak. So I guess the man from Krypton shouldn’t fall in love. Too bad he’s with Lois Lane.

44. “Hope I make a hit with you. This time I’ll put some punch in it. Be my Valentine!”

Okay, this seems to suggest interpersonal violence, which is a relationship no-no. Also, the kid seems a bit angry and can’t take a hint.

45. “Anyone can plainly see/My teacher is O.K. with me. Be my Valentine!”

He’s holding an awfully long ruler. Anyway, I think I know what he’s suggesting. And it’s what we usually don’t talk about in school until the 8th grade.

46. “Dear, don’t see how you can live in such a cold place.”

And I can’t see how Cupid rises from a heart with a fur shawl. Okay, I guess this suggests that the recipient is a cold bitch. That’s kind of insulting.

47. “I’m cooking up a scheme to get you to be my valentine.”

And I see she’s probably cooking something in a cauldron over an open fire. Hope it’s not a love potion since it’s a date rape drug.

48. When it comes to romance, expect some disturbance.

From Viral Wonderz: “Hugging may be romantic, but this guy has got his eyes somewhere else. His Valentine is looking at him lovingly in the eye, but he has his eye on other parts of her body. They may look innocent, but there’s nothing innocent about this guy. The message is even more disturbing. This looks like a crime waiting to happen.”

49. “Why not ‘juice’ me for your valentine?”

From Viral Wonderz: “Read more: “We’re not sure if this card is advertising a juicer for Valentine’s day or has a different meaning altogether? Yes, we love our refreshing lemonades but we think this vintage card wants to juice something else. Just hope that the father of your valentine won’t see this or else you’ll be the one juiced up.”

50. “I have to join two hearts in one/And wish this tender task were done.”

However, she has all those hearts on her dress and just has to have one more. Not surprisingly, she breaks a few.

 

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Fourth Edition)

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Another familiar Christmas tradition that has endured is the Christmas card which people still send to each other during the holiday season. Though not to the same degree they once did like in the Victorian Era which saw the earliest ones. Actually the Victorian Era was a time when Christmas really became a big deal in much of the western world. Now some of these cards might evoke the kind of Christmas ideals you might imagine in a Dickens novel. But some of these seem to defy all explanation. Others will totally creep you out. Whereas many will embody both characteristics. Then there are some from the early 1900s that don’t do much better. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage Christmas cards your great grandparents didn’t want you to see.

  1. These cat musicians bring you tidings of good cheer.

Though to be honest, would you really want to listen to cats sing? Didn’t think so.

2. Christmas is the time of year to call your wife a prize package.

Though calling one’s wife a “prize package” seems kind of sexist. Well, as far as this card is concerned.

3. Santa wishes you a Merry Christmas by jet.

Okay, this is from a Soviet card. But still, this makes Santa look rather Godzilla sized. Guess reindeer magic can only go so far.

4. “Hurrah for Jolly Christmas, with all sorts of toys!”

However, I wouldn’t say the same for the goose. Since it’s being chased by a bunch of kids. One of whom wields a knife.

5. While ice skating, you’ll find Santa under the mistletoe.

Look, I know what mistletoe means in these vintage things. The answer is “No.”

6. “Care to sit on my lap, sweetie?”

I don’t like where Santa has his finger on this kid. Dear Lord, someone please call the police!

7. Compliments of the season from a monkey painting a dog’s portrait.

Well, at least the dog stands like a statue. However, I don’t see monkeys as having much artistic talent. But you never know.

8. Santa salutes those in space.

Another Soviet Christmas card. Nevertheless, note how the cosmonaut’s riding the rocket.

9. Merry Christmas from the cats on the bed.

And it seems like the dark cat wants to get frisky. But the white cat has other ideas. Also, are undressing?

10. May cycling owls bestow on you warm Christmas greetings.

Why do owls need to be on bikes to deliver stuff? Couldn’t they just fly? The ones on Harry Potter do just that.

11. Best wishes for Christmas from the beach.

Why the hell would you include sea creatures on Christmas cards? Doesn’t really make sense.

12. “A merry Christmas day!/Happy, bright, and gay!/Fortune guard you aye,/Like a brave dog Tray!”

Seems like this dog doesn’t seem too happy. More like disgusted over not getting the best table scraps.

13. Season’s greetings from a dog who likes to stay informed.

Apparently, he’s checking on the racing stats. He reportedly has money on the Fresno Stud.

14. For the best presents, always hang a large stocking at your bed for Santa.

Note that she’s holding a whip just in case Santa doesn’t give her what she wants. Like a doll mansion.

15. “May your Xmas be as bright as purest gold.”

But somehow, you have kangaroos mining and panning for it in Australia. And I’m sure they’re getting paid pennies a day for their troubles.

16. Speaking of kangaroos, some of them possess significant artistic talent.

Also, get a load on those hopping slippers. Still, these two gentlemen animals enjoy their smoking breaks.

17. Apparently, they don’t seem to make Christmas movies like they used to.

And you thought movies inspired trauma and nightmares now. Here we have a guy with a knife chasing a goose. Evidently it’s fun for the whole family.

18. Nothing says, “Merry Christmas, sweetheart,” like a dead messenger moth.

Okay, the inscription is quite unsettling since it involves a moth being a go-between and dying of exhaustion. How is that supposed to be merry, I have no idea.

19. “Every good wish for your Christmas” from frogs in boots with umbrellas.

Sure those frogs seem like they’re about to enter a line of fire. But the umbrellas kill the badass pose from there.

20. Flower children wish you a happy Christmas.

By “flower children” we mean flowers with kids’ heads on them. You know what nightmares are made of.

21. “Wishing you a merry Christmas” from two insect musicians.

Something tells me that the bee and the grasshopper will never be seen again after this. Because the bird will most definitely eat them.

22. Even Satan himself sends his regards on Christmas.

This card basically says, “I’m too broke to give you a present so I’ll send this instead.” Let’s hope this isn’t addressed to a close family member or significant other.

23. “A right merry Christmas for you” from a couple of circus clowns.

Guess this is a scene from the Victorian Era rendition of It. And I guess this is a 19th century Pennywise who’s even scarier.

24. You should always wish everyone a “Merry Christmas” even when being chased by island natives.

Boy, this evokes racist and colonialist stereotypes on all kinds of levels. I’m sure the natives are suggested to be cannibals on here.

25. “With love and good wishes for a happy Christmas,” from a bunch of drenched toys.

Seems like a rather politically incorrect version of Toy Story. And yes, there’s the blackface Golliwog who’s basically a racist caricature.

26. Santa makes a toast for Christmas.

Go home, Santa Claus. You seem like you’ve drunk too much wine. No wonder so many kids get the wrong present.

27. A black cat always looks forward to Christmas pudding.

Comment from Bored Panda reads: “Plot twist: the “beloved” family cat, namely ‘Mr. Bartholemeow Giggly-Bumpkins’, ate the original pudding as the oblivious humans enjoyed their hearty Christmas dinner, and in its place he put a pile of his pudding-excrement-filled cat litter, in order to finally take revenge on the humans for giving him such an atrocious name!”

28. Christmas greetings from the one who can’t get out of their shell.

This seems more appropriate for Easter than Christmas. Wonder if this is the unfortunate lovechild of Humpty Dumpty and Mother Goose.

29. “A jolly Christmas” to those who aren’t having the best of it.

So a kid falls into a frozen lake and is probably suffering from hypothermia. And this is jolly? Also why aren’t the other two kids helping him?

30. “While Christmas is here, be all of good cheer.”

Though I’m not sure how kids can smile while hauling large logs in the snow for the fire. But in Victorian times, child labor was rampant. Poor kids.

31. “Christmas greetings for the sake of Auld Lang Syne.”

For nothing inspires “Peace on Earth” like a Scottish soldier in a kilt uniform wielding a gun attached with a bayonet. Gives you an idea when it was made.

32. Even Santa likes to deck the halls with bows of holly.

Okay, that’s guaranteed to haunt your dreams. Doesn’t help that he’s making a list and checking it twice.

33. Apparently, babies aren’t spared from the Krampus’s wrath.

Those poor little tots. Seems like the Krampus is going to put them to the pitchfork. That’ll sure induce lifelong trauma.

34. Better be good for goodness sake, kids, or else the Krampus will kidnap and torture you.

Yes, kids, if you act like a brat, the Krampus will subject you to this. And no, your screams won’t save you.

35. Nobody is safe when the Krampus visits.

This seems straight from a horror movie. And yes, he’s already got at least one kid. So hide if you can.

36. Merry Christmas from Frosty the Snowman.

Why is Frosty warming himself by the fire? You what that will do to him. I mean fire practically melts him. Seriously, this doesn’t make sense.

37. Apparently, Santa has ditched the sleigh for rocket travel.

And he seems to bring helpers, too. But they seem to resemble garden gnomes.

38. Christmas time is always time for carols.

Though I’d almost think she’s singing to Cats. “Memory, all alone in the moon light…”

39. Rabbits and owls always enjoy playing games on Christmas.

Though if you know anything about nature, you know this won’t end well. Mostly because owls see rabbits as prey.

40. Children always wish good cheer to all on Christmas.

Though the kid is dressed like the Grim Reaper. And it seems more likely to inspire nightmares than good cheer.

41. Pine cone Santa wishes you a merry Christmas.

Yet, he’s putting a nut in his sack. No doubt this was made under the influence of drugs.

42. Nothing says Christmas like clowns terrorizing you at the barbershop.

And you wonder why people are afraid of clowns. These two are just cutting his hair and applying paste to his chin. Innocent fun? Certainly not. This is terrifying.

43. This year, the rats celebrate Christmas feasting on a dead cat.

Think about a Tom and Jerry cartoon straight from a horror movie. Apparently to these guys, Christmas is about taking revenge on one’s enemies.

44. “Merry Christmas to you” from the kid building his fort.”

Sure the cat may look on now. But once the guy’s away, it’ll topple the boy’s creation.

45. Naked man likes to wish you a merry Christmas.

Still, he should at least put something on. After all, we all know most dress codes usually operate on a “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy.

46. Christmas parties are always a fun time.

“Not now, Herman, people will see us. Let’s just wait until they’re dancing and then we’ll do it.”

47. Now your little one can have their own Krampus plush toy.

Because some children want to bask into the dark side of Christmas. Still, this is just messed up.

48. Sometimes on Christmas you may have little Asian people serve you while you’re sleeping.

Talk about depicting racist attitudes under the influence of drugs. Not sure how this card came to exist. Also, what’s with the onion?

49. Santa Claus wishes you a Merry Christmas.

Bet these kids are like, “Please don’t come near us! You’re scaring us!” Talk about a hostage situation.

50. Children are always excited for Christmas coming.

Though seeing them wearing signs with emotionless faces gives me the creeps. Santa better give them presents or there will be hell to pay.