Easter Greetings from the Days of Yesteryear (Sixth Edition)

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Now it’s on to the vintage Easter greeting cards. After all, they have greeting cards for everything. Nonetheless, as we’re confined to our homes due to the Coronavirus scourge on the world, we should all do our best to ensure some sense of normalcy. Of course, I’ll do my part by showing you some crazy vintage Easter cards. Some of these defy explanation that you have to see to believe. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of weird vintage Easter cards from the olden days. Enjoy.

  1. Witches on Easter?
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Okay, this is a tradition from Scandinavia. Yet most Americans would think the designer got confused with Halloween.

2. Let the frogs open the gate for the beetles.

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Okay, I’m kind of confused at this. Besides, don’t frogs eat bugs like that. What the hell is going on here?

3. Celebrate Easter with a band of witches?

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Again, this is from Scandinavia. Yet, why they started a band with household implements and have cats on vocals is beyond me.

4. Nothing makes Easter worth celebrating like a beetle party.

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Here we have beetles dancing in the forest. And yes, the females even wear dresses. Seems to be from a bad acid trip.

5. Best wishes for a joyful Easter from a couple of parakeets.

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What the hell? Parakeets? Seriously, what do they have to do with Easter besides absolutely nothing.

6. Happy Easter from a chick on skis.

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This is from Russia. Apparently, it still snows there during the Easter season. Yet, the chick still carry flowers on an eggshell on its back.

7. In the future, women will fly in their Easter hats.

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Well, that hasn’t happened. But if you see what Easter bonnets look like, you get the idea.

8. Here we have a chick carrying flowers.

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And this little chick doesn’t seem to like the job. Since they’d have to use a yoke on their backs and carry the flowers in eggshells.

9. Beetle with flowers wishes you a joyful Easter.

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I don’t get what this beetle has to do with Easter. Because they sure don’t have anything to do with the holiday in America.

10. Even a modern witch needs to fly on Easter.

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I know the moon is confused as much as anyone. But take it from me, this is a tradition in Scandinavia.

11. How about a pretty witch handing out eggs from her basket?

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This one is from the US since it’s in the English language. Still, you have to wonder why she hasn’t yet gotten out of her river dance outfit. Saint Patrick’s Day’s probably over by then.

12. Happy Easter from the frog walking his beetle.

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This is messed up. Seriously, frogs probably eat beetles, not keep them as pets. Also uses a toadstool as an umbrella.

13. This Easter be happy to have beetles living in your flowers.

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Actually, having beetles in your bouquet will freak out everyone. Seriously, what the hell?

14. How about a beetle carrying a young girl in a basket?

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And she’s not to be messed with from her expression. Still, this seems more or less appropriate for a weird sci-fi or horror movie than an Easter card.

15. Happy Easter from an Alpine bunny.

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Yes, she seems like she’s straight out of The Sound of Music. Wonder how she plays the zither with her paws. Maybe I don’t want to know.

16. Happy Easter from the hardboiled egg family.

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Even their dog’s made out of eggs. Don’t ask me to explain why the designer thought this would make a good Easter card.

17. Heard of an egghead? She has an egg body.

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Okay, that’s just freaky. But at least her apron has pockets.

18. Out of this egg comes a whole bunch of chicks.

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That’s not how the amniotic egg works. Seriously, a bunch of chicks don’t hatch from a single egg. That’s contrary to chicken biology.

19. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Beetles.

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No, not the Beatles. I mean a band with beetles. But they seem good enough that a couple of beetles dance.

20. Easter greetings from a pipe smoking chick.

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His pipe is long enough so he could smoke from it on the window sill. As he admires the blue spring flowers.

21. Even chicks have their limits.

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2 guy chicks hit on a girl chick on the roller skating grounds. And she’s not having it. Wonder if she’s heard of Me Too. Probably not.

22. Let’s leave these beetles to themselves.

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I don’t get what beetles have to do with Easter. Yet, they’re sharing an intimate moment under an umbrella.

23. Happy Easter from Easter eggs playing cards.

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Seriously, what the hell is going on here? Guess the egg who loses the most money has to sit on a wall. Also, do the flowers have eyes? And are they actually watching them?

24. “Easter joy be yours.”

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This is basically the literal definition of “flower child.” And it’s really freaky. Seriously, why?

25. A Happy Easter from the pink flower children.

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Yes, this flower children thing wasn’t just confined to Alice in Wonderland. And yes, it makes you wonder if you’re on an acid trip.

26. Care to go places in an egg cart?

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And apparently, it’s pulled by a mother hen and her chicks. I’m sure you won’t go far in that.

27. “Sorry I’m late to the coven.”

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And it appears one of the witches brought something. While devils do a dance in the background. Seriously, how is this an Easter card?

28. Happy Easter from the frog family.

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Frogs don’t have families like that. Seriously, they lay their eggs in water, which hatch into tadpoles. Also, what do frogs have to do with Easter?

29. Happy Easter from the kid hatched from an egg.

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No, that’s not how people reproduce. And no, they don’t come out like they’re 3 years old.

30. Happy Easter from the flying chicken.

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Okay, this is from Scandinavia. And yes, the hen’s a bit insecure on how her chicks are holding onto the broomstick.

31. Happy Easter from the bunny riding a sheep.

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Bunny is frustrated over the lamb’s stubbornness. Lamb doesn’t want to visit the rickety old mill because they think it’s dangerous.

32. “So we’re the first ones to hatch?”

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You can see the weird look in that chick’s eye. As they wonder what the hell they’re doing in an Easter basket instead of a chicken coop.

33. Easter Greetings from a distinguished gentleman chick.

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Is this how chicks in Downton Abbey hatch. Do they come equipped with pince nezes, top hats and canes? Asking for a friend.

34. Nowadays Easter witches take to the road.

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You can see them go over the speed limit in Scandinavia. And yes, the cat’s freaking out. Also, the torches at the front pose a severe safety risk.

35. “All hail the steaming kettle.”

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Not sure what the kettle has to do with Easter. But I sure don’t want my broomstick near it.

36. Today, modern witches travel the skies in planes.

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You can see the plane’s basically egg-shaped so the witch can put her feet up. While the cat secretly prays for a safe landing.

37. A witch always needs to look her best for Easter.

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Yet, the cats appear to jump off the broomstick. Because they don’t want to be near it when she’s handling it.

38. This Easter, the witches ride on their familiars.

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One rides on a giant cat she probably enchanted. The other dresses in style and goes on a big horn sheep.

39. “Hey, don’t touch my broomstick!”

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Yeah, Easter witches don’t take that kind of shit. Guess someone’s going be toad.

40. Didn’t know witches flew by day.

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In Harry Potter they do. Yet, these kids are baffled by the daytime spectacle. Also, why is the moon out during daylight hours?

41. Just a little break for tea.

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Sure she’s not drinking alcohol. Nonetheless, it’s a case of distracted driving that you don’t wonder why the cat’s clinging to dear life.

42. Watch out for that church steeple.

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Yeah, when you’re flying at a high altitude, you probably run into a lot of tall structures. Wonder what she does to get any help.

43. This hen carries her Easter eggs in her apron.

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This looks like an accident waiting to happen. Just wait when she’s tripped and all the eggs come crashing down.

44. Happy Easter from the daffodil children.

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Am I the only one to think this as freaky? Seriously, why?

45. “We Easter witches must stick together.”

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Uh, can’t they just fly up the mountain? Seriously, they have brooms for that. Or did their brooms run out of magic power?

46. Happy Easter from the egg with a man’s face.

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Okay, this is really freaky. Since when do eggs have mustaches, faces, and pince-nezes? Even the gnomes are stupefied.

47. Apparently, 2 girls can fit inside an egg.

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Wonder how this is possible. Oh, yes, the egg’s just gigantic. Still, it boggles my mind.

48. “Now you all be good when I’m out. Okay?”

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Not sure about the dynamic. Since chicks are baby chickens. Also, the egg home has a chimney and ladder.

49. Easter witches even fly on a rainy day.

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Since she’s got her umbrella with her. Yet, the cat’s still uneasy on the broomstick.

50. How about a joy ride over the chicken coop?

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The old man’s kind of like, “What the hell’s going on?” But the witch on her broomstick doesn’t give a damn.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Seventh Edition)

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Now that we’re past Martin Luther King Day, we come to Valentine’s Day. Of course, this involves many people to exchange valentines. Kids give theirs to classmates. Adults give them to their sweethearts. Of course, you’ll find plenty of motifs on them like sentiments of heartfelt love, hearts, Cupid, and other images. Yet, there are some old valentines out there that defy explanation. Some that have cutesy images but suggestive puns. And those that surely wouldn’t fly nowadays. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of terrible vintage Valentines.

  1. “To My Valentine: I believe in freedom of the press.”
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Let’s hope he asked for consent first. Still, the guy seems rather excited to embrace his girlfriend. Guess he can’t wait to get it on.

2. “I ‘mascara’ lot for you…”

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Meaning she likes you so much that she’ll apply tons of makeup to look like Tammy Faye Bakker. Or something like that.

3. This seems like a real sausage fest.

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Yeah, I know there’s a suggestive pun behind this. Yet, the girl seems to like what she sees.

4. This couple gives a whole new meaning to “tossed salad.”

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“Tossed salad” is a slang term relating to sex. Also, the carrot is the guy, obviously.

5. Any girl would like a cat who could play piano.

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But apparently, she’s hiding in the spinet. Kind of screwed up if you ask me.

6. Speaking of cats, this one’s throwing herself toward this boy.

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Yes, I know this is screwed up. But given the cat’s a giant who can tear the boy to pieces, I’m not sure how he’ll be able to say no.

7. Want to get your man? Lure him with treats.

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Not sure if the boy’s looking at her or the food. Also, she’s wearing a rather short skirt. Wonder why.

8. This firefighter cat’s burning for you.

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Apparently, he’s also got a rather suggestive stare going on like he’s hungry for something. And it’s not food. While he’s holding the hose over his shoulder.

9. “The future would appear so fine, if you would be my Valentine!”

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Is the boy using a telescope to look at the stars or stalking his sweetheart? If the latter, what the hell’s the girl doing beside him? I’d really like to know that.

10. “I need something permanent – It might as well be you!”

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Okay, the message isn’t too bad. But considering we live in the 21st century, this hasn’t aged well. Sure she’s getting her hair done. But such contraption has been used for sinister purposes in a lot of science fiction more times than I can count.

11. “Who wouldn’t BLOW a guy like you, my valentine.”

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The word “blow” has several meanings. But in this context, it could either mean “kiss,” or a “blow job.” Wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the latter.

12. This wolf is only hungry for love.

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Yes, he’s certainly well-dressed. But despite that male wolves mate for life and make great dads in the wild, being seen as a “wolf” in human society, isn’t really a compliment.

13. “I get a BANG out of you, valentine. Please be mine.”

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Yes, the message is suggestive. But the bear lighting a firecracker isn’t really a smart idea either.

14. Don’t bat about love to this witch.

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Cause if you do, she will put a curse on you that you might not be able to shake off. Also, she could turn you into a toad or simply kill you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

15. This hotdog is frankly crazy about his valentine.

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And yes, I’m sure it’s a guy. Because, hotdogs are also known as “wieners.” Nothing to suggest here. Not.

16. Man, Cupid can be very nasty with people’s hearts.

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Since he’s got a heart cooking over a camp fire. Hope he doesn’t intend to eat it later. Oh, wait, he’s munching on it right now.

17. “You’re a good egg! Hope you’ll be my valentine!”

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Yes, these are egg people with limbs. And yes, it’s kind of disturbing if you ask me. Hope they don’t end up scrambled.

18. This apple loves her valentine to the core.

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Of course, being a core means he was once an apple who’s been considerably eaten. But she loves him anyway.

19. If this wolf won’t be your valentine, he’ll blow your house down.

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Of course, being a core means he was once an apple who’s been considerably eaten. But she loves him anyway.

20. Train engineer has eyes for a certain passenger.

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Note how the girl’s showing her legs while sitting on her suitcase. Still, guy needs to keep his eyes on the track at all times.

21. A foxy guy knows what kind of catch you’d be.

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He seems to be looking through the weeds. Nothing creepy about that. Oh, wait, that’s basically stalking.

22. The Big Bad Wolf wants to be Little Red Riding Hood’s valentine.

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So basically the wolf breaking in her grandma’s house, eating her and wearing her clothes was a bad way to handle rejection. Seriously, this valentine is so messed up.

23. “I’m fit to be tied so….be my Valentine!”

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For one, cowboys and Indians weren’t a thing. Also, this valentine seems to make light of Indian atrocities, which is pretty disturbing.

24. “You’re a good skate, Valentine.”

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Though I’m sure any love between these 2 might be strongly one-sided. Given the guy wants to get the hell out. While the girl is like “what gives?”

25. A black girl reads the cards.

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Okay, she’s depicted in a rather offensive racist stereotype. Yeah, not exactly one you’d send to a black person.

26. “You’re just my speed, BIG BOY, an’ I’m sure gonna hold on tight!”

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Girl’s giving a guy a rather suggestive look on that tricycle. Thus, giving the message a rather dirty double meaning.

27. “You’re the model for me. Be my Valentine.”

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This one seems to defy all sense of logic. The frames are hollow. While the painter has a paintbrush like he’s about to paint. How’s that possible?

28. “I aim to tame you, Valentine!”

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Granted, he’s a lion tamer. Yet, he’s got a whip with him. Either he’s using that to subdue his love or he’s into BDSM. Please let it be the latter.

29. “I’d like to haunt you, Valentine.”

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Though this seems less like you’d see in Ghost, and more like you’d see in Harry Potter when Moaning Myrtle shows up. But without the bathroom fixtures in the background.

30. This bear isn’t a bad skate, is he?

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Yet, note that the ice isn’t very sturdy since there’s a hole somewhere. Only a matter of time till the bear falls in.

31. “Warm the ‘COCKLES’ of my heart by being my valentine.”

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The worm seems to have a human face as a rooster towers over it. Not happy where this is heading.

32. “Let’s strike up a match, Valentine!”

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Keep in mind, they’ll probably burn to a crisp. Not to mention, all the other matches in the packet.

33. “To my Valentine, say Yes.”

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Cupid’s whispering in the woman’s ear. While the guy’s looking at the woman’s back and thinking, “Dat ass.” Though I’m sure she’s got her bustle on.

34. “My heart is like a time bomb…”

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Basically ready to burst at any minute. Man, you need to see a doctor. Or the bomb squad.

35. “I’m MUD about you, Valentine!”

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This one just has a flower over a smiling puddle of mud. Not sure how they conduct their relationship.

36. You’d have to have good luck with one’s valentine.

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Yet, getting hit on the head by a giant horseshoe, not so much. Seriously, you might want to see a doctor about that.

37. She’s so cute even the flies love her.

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To be fair, she’s holding toast spread with jelly. Still, you don’t want to attract flies in any capacity.

38. No one likes me. Well, I’ll just eat worms.

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How the hell is this a valentine? Also, who the hell eats worms? That’s disgusting.

39. One’s valentine is the light of their life.

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Here the cat has a pack of matches and a cigarette. Great way to be a good example to the kids. Not.

40. You’d think Bon Jovi received this valentine.

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This one has an arrow through a pillow. And yet, it looks as if it’s bleeding. What the hell?

41. “Picking on you to be my valentine.”

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That doesn’t seem to be a good message. Also, the monkey imagery doesn’t seem to help much. Since they fling feces at each other.

42. “I’ll slave for you, Valentine.”

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Sad how they make a guy willing to do all the chores as a pathetic loser. But to me, it’s an offer worth considering.

43. Lixie loves her candy sticks.

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Though I wonder if she likes something else. Given her suggestive grin at those sticks.

44. He’d like his valentine as a steady diet.

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I understand he wants her as his valentine. But the message can also be suggestive of cannibalism in another point of view.

45. He wants to cement his love.

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Yet, he comes with a mixer. Kind of driving the point too close to home. Seriously, we associate cement with Jimmy Hoffa and the mafia for God’s sake.

46. Don’t mind the jerk at the soda counter.

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The soda jerk guy kind of reminds me of a creepy doll in some horror movie. The girl seems like she’s not wanting his attention either.

47. We go together like leeks and fish.

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Kind of a rather odd pairing. But as long as they have a good relationship, who’s stopping them.

48. “To my Pin-Up Valentine.”

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This alien seems like he’s got some ill intent on his mind. Doesn’t help he’s got gold ears that resemble car horns.

49. Condiment vegetables always belong together.

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Take pickles and cucumbers. Though the pickle is the guy for obvious reasons we best not get into.

50. This cat always prefer girls with cute curls.

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Yeah, I know it seems rather strange. Nonetheless, the girl’s wearing a skimpy outfit and the cat seems to like what he sees. Or is it a dog?

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Sixth Edition)

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Of course, no one can celebrate Christmas without Christmas cards. After all, it’s probably one of the only holiday greeting cards people still send to each other. Many of them would contain generic images like the bell one above. But they mostly consist of Christmas trees, snowmen, nativity scenes, wreaths, and what not. Many may hold nostalgia for these vintage cards which can be beautifully painted. However, alongside the lovely vintage cards, there are some that don’t seem to make any sense, especially if they come from the Victorian era. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas cards from decades past.

  1.  Santa going down the chimney is always a special treat.
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Here Santa asks himself, “Why do I have to go down chimneys when it’s more convenient to go through the front door instead? That would at least save me from all the aches and soot all over me.”

2. Santa fills his sack.

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Yet, even though his sack is already full, it won’t be enough. Mostly because he has to deliver presents to millions of kids in one night. And he knows it.

3. Celebrating Christmas alone is always dismal.

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Hey, the guy didn’t spend Christmas at a Waffle House. Now that’s really depressing, especially if you have to work there.

4. “Here’s Santa.”

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Well, you can’t expect Santa to wear his iconic red suit every Christmas Eve. This is especially if he suffers a wardrobe malfunction while trying it on.

5. Read the tea leaves for a joyous Christmas.

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What the hell do tea leaves have to do with Christmas? Any hint here? Seriously, why?

6. Even garden gnomes enjoy building giant snowmen.

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Just look at one of them slide down. Also, is it really snowing?

7. Watch where you ride your bike this Christmas.

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Cause you could ride off the edge and end up in the water. So don’t read and drive.

8. No one could resist kids and animals, especially on Christmas.

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Here a little girl hangs some green stuff over her dog. The dog isn’t pleased in the very least.

9. Winter time is always the right time for a sled ride.

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Guy’s probably thinking, “Why did I have to do this? Couldn’t Mabel and I just spend a peaceful afternoon playing backgammon near the fire? I hope we don’t die.”

10. All she wants for Christmas is cash.

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Here she’s got bags of it. Must have very wealthy parents. So she won’t have a problem snagging a husband. Even if he’s below her standing.

11. Krampus seeks all the bad kids during the holiday season.

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Yes, he uses a global tracking system to locate them. Hear Donald Trump’s kids are on the top of his list.

12. Krampus abducts the bad kids.

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Girl’s like, “Thank you for kidnapping my brother, Krampus. He’s a complete piece of shit.”

13. Don’t forget to hang your stockings close to the fire.

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Though I think that might be too close if you know what I mean. Also, the kids look rather creepy if you ask me.

14. Krampus often appears alongside St. Nick this holiday season.

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St. Nick gives toys to the good girls and boys. Krampus gives bad kids what they deserve. Yet, both figures act like they’re like seeing kids at the mall for photo ops here.

15. Santa wishes you a Merry Christmas.

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Okay, that’s a creepy Santa. Not sure if I want to receive toys by that terrifying old man who seems more out for blood than wanting to spread joy and cheer.

16. Don’t be an ass this holiday season.

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What the hell do donkeys have to do with Christmas? I know they’re in nativity scenes but still.

17. May you all have a happy Christmas.

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Unfortunately, these kids don’t seem to be celebrating with joy and cheer. Then again, there was plenty to be blase about in the 1800s.

18. Merry Christmas from the child abducting Snow Queen.

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Kind of reminds me the white witch meeting Edmund. But without the hard drug of Turkish delight, which is crack in Narnia.

19. Everyone knows the little drummer boy. But what of the little shepherd boy?

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He kind of feels left out in the whole nativity story. Still, the big eyes are kind of creepy. No hard feelings, Margaret Keane.

20. Merry Christmas from the clown and turkey pageant.

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The turkey reminds me of Doc Brown from Back to the Future. While clown just plain gives me the creeps for some reason.

21. Even cats enjoy the occasional sleigh ride.

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Let’s hope nothing upsets whatever’s in the bag. And I hope the lantern doesn’t set anything on fire.

22. Share a toast for the holidays.

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And yet, this card features children boozing it up. What the fuck? Seriously, these kids seem like they’re a bunch of alcoholics.

23. Here the children watch for Santa by the fireplace.

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That kid on the chair reminds me of a weird-looking kid from a Saint Vincent de Paul statue at my college. And yes, the girl’s features are way out of proportion.

24. No one can resist a couple of cats on Christmas.

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One cat’s like, “How about you wear this white skirt?” While the white cat’s like, “Hell, no, I’ll wear the red one instead.”

25. Kid clown wishes you a merry Christmas.

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Okay, why is the kid in a clown costume around Christmas? Seriously, Halloween was like over a month ago.

26. When Christmas dinner’s done, it’s time to dance.

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And yet, they’re all dressed up in costumes, confused by what holiday this is supposed to be. One’s even dressed as a wizard.

27. Goat wishes you a happy Christmas.

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Just what do goats have to do with Christmas? Seriously, I have no idea. Can someone elaborate for me?

28. Nothing says Christmas like a vegetable beating.

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Man, can’t believe the early years of Veggie Tales featured such graphic violence. While the carrot’s like, “What the hell are you doing?”

29. On Christmas, some kids get all the presents.

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And this kid seems really happy with al the stuff they have. And if you attempt to play with any of their shit, they will kill you.

30. Krampus always has to put the kids in the basket.

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Krampus is like “Stop crying, I don’t have all night here.” While the girl’s just smiling and sitting pretty.

31. Here Krampus flies on his broom of brats.

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Though most of these kids seem under the age of 3. Far too young and innocent to be considered either bad or good.

32. “I’ve come to collect.”

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The kids are like, “Oh, no, please don’t take us. We’ll be good. We swear.”

33. Krampus doesn’t care about pulling a girl’s hair out.

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He’s like, “You don’t want me to yank your hair out, do you. Now get in the basket.”

34. Santa looks at his Christmas orders.

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Here he’s thinking, “Oh, great, Elsa doll again. Can’t these girls ask for anything else like a dollhouse?”

35. Krampus always enjoys his work.

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Indeed, he’s got a sadistic streak. So these kids are in for a world of pain.

36. Why would Santa need a sleigh if he can just fade into the background?

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After all, he’s wearing a red suit that goes with the wall. And he’s about to teleport to the next house.

37. Grasshopper and moth wish you a merry Christmas.

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Well, the grasshopper’s supposed to be the fairy queen’s messenger. Whatever that’s supposed to be. Seriously, what was this designer smoking?

38. “Who thought getting a flamingo to Santa was a good idea?”

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Yeah, if you’re a small garden gnome, that’s no a good idea at all. This is especially during the holiday season, especially in Florida after a freak snowstorm.

39. This boy just wants to make it easier for Santa.

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Seriously, Santa should take advantage of the convenience. The boy’s making him an offer he can’t refuse.

40. “There you are Krampus.”

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For when you’re adult, you can pull a Krampus like a rabbit out of a hat. So he can’t scare you anymore.

41. Dogs wish you a happy Christmas.

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Though the puppy looks a bit evil looking. Like it plans on chewing on your new clothes just for the hell of it. Or peeing on your new carpet.

42. Merry Christmas from an attack dog and the donkey that steals your laundry.

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Why would anyone hang their clothes on the line in winter? Seriously, that’s the worst time of year to do so.

43. Compliments of the season from the bugs with a basket.

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I’m sure whatever’s in the basket isn’t having a good time. Since the bugs intend to feast soon enough.

44. What’s faster the snail or the cockroach?

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The cockroach and butterfly of course. Snails are incredibly slow creatures. Also, why is this a Christmas card?

45. Merry Christmas. Now watch these pigs and gnomes riding bikes.

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Who the hell rides bikes during the winter? Seriously, this is messed up on so many levels.

46. “May Christmas render your heart and home full of happiness.”

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Featuring a gnome who kind of resembles Santa. But he’s small and near some ivy. Not sure why it’s there.

47. If Krampus comes, helps if you come prepared.

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Girl’s got her whip in case he comes behind her. She’s not going to risk getting kidnapped. Or at least without a fight.

48. Loving Christmas greetings from a rickshaw.

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And it has to be the girl who has to do the pulling. Kind of sexist if you ask me.

49. Christmas time is one of cheer.

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Yet, the chick’s not feeling it for this band. Also, shouldn’t this be an Easter card instead? Seriously, why use Christmas?

50. Fish always dig into the soup.

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Okay, wonder how they use their fins to hold eating utensils. Seriously, you’d think this was straight out of Spongebob Squarepants.

Ghastly Halloween Greetings in the Ghoulish Days of Old (Fifth Edition)

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Now it’s on to the Halloween vintage cards. In these days, there seems to be a greeting card for almost everything. In the olden days, this was no exception except in regards to MLK Day because the great civil rights leader wasn’t born yet or any kind of holidays white people didn’t celebrate. Anyway, given that Halloween greeting cards are apparently still a thing, you shouldn’t be surprised to see plenty vintage ones. However, in many ways, the vintage cards usually tend to be crazier for various reasons. Some may be dated. Some may be inappropriate. Some may be racist. And some may contain imagery that doesn’t seem to fly today. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you another assortment of crazy vintage Halloween greeting cards.

  1. The moon doesn’t seem too happy these days.
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“Why the hell would leave a perfectly good office binder on my doorstep? Don’t they know they’re very expensive?”

2. “I wish you a jolly Halloween.”

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And that’s not a safe way to hold a jack-o’-lantern, kids. Honestly, that’s a fire hazard.

3. Want to catch a jack-o’-lantern? Spread crumbs through a wagon, I think.

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That way, he’ll be happy to tag behind you wherever you go. Still, how did anyone think this was a good idea?

4. This demon comes out to greet you from the jack-o’-lantern.

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Seems kind of friendly for a creature of Hell. Guess it’s hot inside that jack-o’-lantern.

5. While mere mortals use jack-o’-lanterns as Halloween decoration, witches use them for broom headlights.

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If it can talk, it doubles as a GPS system. Who knows how the characters in Harry Potter can do without them.

6. “O! Ghostly friend,/Thy hair’s on end/What fearful fate do you portend?”

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To be honest, the corn guy’s more likely freaking me out. Seriously, it just gives me nightmares.

7. “Whoo-oo  dares keep Halloween with me?”

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The owl’s like, “I’ve got my eyes on you, floating pumpkin head.” Or something like that.

8. Feel free to sit down in your jack-o’-lantern bib.

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Actually that bib’s kind of creepy if you ask me along with the jack-o’-lanterns on the top corners. Also, the girl seems like she’s slightly suffocating.

9. Don’t know if you want a bat pop up from a jack-o’-lantern.

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Seems like everyone in this is freaked out by this. Save for the black cat for some reason.

10. Even the pumpkins make out in the pumpkin patch on Halloween night.

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Still, despite the inscription, how do pumpkins hug and kiss? Linus, can you answer me on this one?

11. Perhaps you might want to go as a skeletal bat for Halloween.

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Seriously, she’s dressed up as a bat that bit into a powerline. Kind of disturbing if you think about it.

12. “With all Hallowe’en Greetings.”

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Yet, that owl’s watching the creepy pumpkin man follow the seeds from the woman’s contraption. Wonder if this was a thing back then.

13. Pumpkin head kids wish you a jolly Halloween.

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Oh, those creepy orange kids with one holding a poor cat. Makes me wonder if this is a childhood photo of Donald Trump. Wouldn’t surprise me.

14. Bet you don’t want a skeleton to get you.

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Are those monsters supposed to be goblins? Also, why is one riding a cat?

15. When a witch wants a kid to get off her lawn, she means it.

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Here she chases a kid with a jack-o’-lantern on a stick. And I thought witches ate kids. Then again, that may not be the case.

16. Forget brooms. The modern witch travels on a biplane of giant playing cards.

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She even has a jack-o’-lantern on the front for navigation. And yes, it runs on owl power. But the cat’s kind of afraid of heights.

17. This Halloween, stay out of the cabbage patch.

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No, these aren’t the Cabbage Patch kids you remember. Actually this cabbage people make out scene is getting a bit out of hand.

18. “For ways that are dark and tricks that are vain. Watch out!”

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Here a black cat sits with 4 scary jack-o’-lanterns. But at least they’re not lit, yet.

19. Everyone loves a Halloween costume party.

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Though whether to dance with a medieval version of the Joker is another matter. Seriously, his costume’s kind of freaky if you ask me.

20. The black cat in a pumpkin has a letter for you.

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Though the kid doesn’t seem to think twice about trusting the cat. Kind of looks hypnotized. Also, note the sticks under the pumpkin.

21. Riding a broom on an ear of corn gives a witch more seat room.

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But make sure the ear is giant size and has bat wings. Also, I think she might drive using a sideways steering wheel.

22. On Halloween, fell free to hoist the jack-o’-lantern flag.

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Instead of a skull and crossed bones, this flag has a jack-o’-lantern and crossed candles. Yet, the witchy woman has a rather suggestive expression.

23. The jack-o’-lantern always watches outside.

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So maybe playing naked outside at night is not a good idea. Not that it would be anyway.

24. Dancing pumpkin man wishes you a happy Halloween.

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Unlike most depictions, he’s wearing a suit. Still, he’s guaranteed to inspire nightmares.

25. This little witch wishes you Halloween greetings.

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Though I’m not necessarily sure that she’s sitting appropriately. This is especially since she has her skirt up.

26. It takes two to carry a large jack-o’-lantern.

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Nonetheless, the jack-o’-lantern seems to have a mind of its own. As you can tell by the eyes.

27. For many, Halloween is a time of love.

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But since these kids have their hands on the jack-o’-lantern too long, the pumpkin’s starting to feel smushed. Seriously, they need their space once in awhile.

28. Wanna make some noise?

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Yet, the pumpkin guys sitting on the gourd are very unsettling to me. One doesn’t seem too happy with the girl blowing her horn.

29. Don’t look at the jack-o’-lantern in the barrel.

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Since there’s a rather creepy kid inside. And I don’t think the kid in front really wants to know.

30. Halloween greetings from the witch with a pumpkin fetish.

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Hey, it may not look the least bit normal. But at least she’s not making out with Donald Trump.

31. Be careful in a room with masks.

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Actually I don’t know why this woman can be in the same room with all these scary masks. Since they all look incredibly terrifying.

32. Ghost jack-o’-lantern wishes you happy Halloween on a broomstick.

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The outfit’s rather translucent. Though the jack-o’-lantern doesn’t seem sure how to fly this thing.

33. “The joys of Halloween be yours.”

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Excuse me, but what the hell is Cupid doing here? This isn’t even his holiday. He’s Valentine’s Day.

34. Don’t be surprised to see double this Halloween.

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You can see how the images mirror each other. While the jack-o’-lantern thinks it’s just crazy.

35. Hide all you want to, but you can’t fool the moon.

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To be fair these jack-o’-lanterns are rather creepy. But what are they doing behind that stack?

36. A witch and owl love hanging out together on the moon.

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That owl looks abnormally huge. Because most don’t grow that big. Yet, the witch doesn’t care.

37. There’s nothing on Halloween like making out in a jack-o’-lantern.

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First, that’s a major safety hazard since the clothes could catch on fire. Second, the cat and owl are basically like, “get a room, you two.”

38. The moon always knows a hot witch when it sees one.

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Here the moon gazes on the witch with a pervy smile. While the witch might want to blow out her candle so the moon doesn’t see her as well.

39. Now where did that slice of cake go?

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Yes, these creepy pupkin people have it for some reason. Maybe I’ll be okay without it. I’ll live.

40. Seems like her high beams are flashing.

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See what I mean about a jack-o’-lantern functioning has headlights on a broomstick. Why don’t they have that in Harry Potter?

41. Remember that witches will kidnap your children.

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I don’t have a good feeling about these kids. Since witches are known to eat children. The boy doesn’t seem to mind though.

42. All kinds of demons can come out of a jack-o’-lantern.

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Here it sits upon a sinister black cat. Must be magical because I can’t see how the cat can retain its balance.

43. An owl sits upon a glowing jack-o’-lantern holding an apple.

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Yet, the girl seems rather fascinated instead of freaking out. Because how can the owl get inside? And it can basically claw and peck you to death.

44. Here this woman sits on a jack-o’-lantern dressed as an owl.

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Yet, the giant jack-o’-lantern has a rather terrifying expression. Since even the cat’s freaking out.

45. You can always sit back on a jack-o’-lantern with a candle on Halloween.

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The pumpkin’s glowing. While the cat is glaring at the viewer with malicious intent. Wouldn’t want to go near that thing.

46. Don’t look now but I think that jack-o’-lantern’s stoned out of its mind.

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Not sure what’s in that pipe. But I also think the jack-o’-lantern’s looking up that woman’s skirt. That cat’s like, “Not cool, man.”

47. A campfire is always a graveyard smash.

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And yet, one’s running away in fear, two are on top of each other, and the would’ve gotten a selfie to post on Instagram. Only trouble is that smartphones and Instagram aren’t around yet.

48. Happy Halloween by the demon child soldier.

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Once you’re asleep, this little boy will come into your room with a knife and kill you. If you don’t take some time to lock your doors first.

49. Here a little witch picks up a name from the jack-o’-lantern.

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Whoever’s name she gets, she’ll go to their house and turn them into a newt. And I’m not sure if they’ll get better.

50. Happy Halloween from behind the haystack.

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Now that looks like a fire hazard waiting to happen. Wouldn’t be surprise if the jack-o’-lantern leads to the stack catching on fire and the boy burning to a crisp.

Easter Greetings from the Days of Yesteryear (Fifth Edition)

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Now that I have the peep dioramas out of the way, it’s time for old Easter cards. Though you might see plenty of them with beautiful illustrations like this ornate basket with Easter eggs, you’re not going to see any of that on this post. Instead, you’ll see old Easter cards lost to time for one reason or another. Mostly because their imagery seems to defy all explanation. But some of them are kind of inappropriate or just plain weird. While some of them contain traditions that are very unfamiliar to many of us. Let’s just say you won’t see any of these images on a Hallmark greeting card anytime soon. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy old timey Easter greeting cards. Enjoy.

  1. Looks like this witch took a wrong turn.
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There’s a tradition in Scandinavia of Easter witches. I know it’s kind of messed up. Still, you’ll be seeing more of these on this post.

2. Perhaps chicks like to reminisce about old times.

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Though a couple chicks would rather do something else. As you can see from their blasé faces.

3. “Fly, fly, my pretties!”

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Yes, that’s another Easter witch on her broomstick. And no, I have no idea why people in Scandinavia thought her as significant.

4. “You don’t look like a chicken.”

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Since a baby hatched from an egg and the chick seems to marvel at it. Despite it not being how human reproduction works.

5. Once dyed, Easter eggs must be hung to dry.

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Okay, I don’t think you should hold up eggs like that. Also, these are chicks holding them. So what kind of eggs do they use?

6. “Now let’s light ‘er up and fly to the moon.”

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I don’t see this going too well. Seriously, experimenting with fireworks never goes well. Even among magic users. Just ask the Weasley Twins.

7. Apparently, multiple chickens can fit inside one egg.

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Well, it’s a giant egg cracked open. But it’s held with a giant ribbon. But that doesn’t keep a little chickie from escaping.

8. This bunny doesn’t seem to have a happy Easter.

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Since these little kids want to dress it up and make it their pet. Think of it along the lines of “I’ll hug em,’ and squeeze em,’ and keep em’ for ever and ever.” But Harry belonged in the wild open spaces.

9. There’s nothing for a dad rooster like spending a day with his chicks.

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Just keep in mind that they all have different mothers and that most of the boys won’t survive to adulthood. Still, I can’t see how this father would keep track of them.

10. Try fitting those eggs in a suitcase.

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Let’s say keeping eggs in a suitcase is a very bad idea. Since they’ll probably break as you carry them. And those chicks will probably suffocate.

11. Bet you’ve never danced with a rabbit before.

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The bunny’s like, “Come and frolic with me in the forest. We’ll have lots of fun.” While this boy is like, “Uh, no thanks, my mom wants me to iron my dog.” And he wants to make a run for it.

12. Perhaps you’d like to ride in an eggshell cart.

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Yes, it’s pulled by bunnies which I don’t think is efficient. And I don’t think the bunnies like pulling the cart either.

13. Chicks, hop up on the Easter blimp.

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Of course, not all of them can fit on it. Then there are the flowers dangling from the basket which I don’t think seems safe in any respect.

14. Didn’t know the Easter Bunny smoked a pipe.

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Or that he could find eggs big enough to put flowers in. Still, don’t use tobacco, kids, it’ll give you lung cancer and kill you.

15. “C’mon, don’t leave me! We’re already flying.

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Seems like she abducted this old guy. While she has her legs curled on her broom. And you can see her underwear.

16. “Oh, shit, now they’re flying planes.”

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Well, these witches don’t seem too happy about the arrival of aviation. As they look upon that plane with disdain.

17. If you fly too low, you’ll get stuck on someone’s TV antenna.

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Apparently, this witch got her broom caught in a TV antenna. And she’s really not happy about it. Hope the guy inside has good reception.

18. Looks like a witch had her broom modified for speed.

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This witch’s broom includes a lever, wheel, and a propeller. While the other witches look to her with envy.

19. With a broken broom, she’s not going out tonight.

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Indeed, a broken broom can really ruin your night. Still, what’s with the kettles? Cause I don’t get it.

20. In the barnyard, it’s the chickens who fly with the eggs.

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And the rooster doesn’t seem too happy. But the hens on their flying brooms don’t care a bit.

21. “Mind if I drop down your chimney?”

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Too bad since she’s already flown down. Wonder why the old man in bed hasn’t experienced a heart attack with her sudden presence.

22. Should a witch fall into the sea, she’ll have to be fished out.

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Yes, the fisherman’s rescuing a witch who fell into the sea. Despite the fact she has magical powers.

23. “Embrace me, Moon.”

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Yes, apparently in Sweden, witches often like spending their nights with the guy in the moon. Yeah, I don’t know how that’s possible.

24. Flying on 2 brooms is better than one.

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She’s like riding the sky like she’s on water skis. While the moon snidely eyes her with an unpleasant smile.

25. Apparently, warlocks can be pervs.

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Here the guy on his broom eyes at the witch lady with binoculars. The witch is not happy. Kind of plays out like a scene in Harry Potter.

26. Easter greetings from a distinguished chick.

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Seemed like they started smoking so young. Still, the chick seems like he’ll whack you with his riding crook if he could.

27. “So if that’s the Eggman, who is the Walrus?”

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The bunnies are about as stumped as you or me. Guess someone must’ve been on drugs while designing this card.

28. Even bunnies know the meaning of forbidden love.

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Meanwhile, the lamb is resenting having to act as a stool for its rabbit friend. Guess some things aren’t as good as they’re cracked up to be.

29. This chick walks a thin tightrope.

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I don’t expect this ending well. Even worse that it has to wear a rather humiliating costume in the process.

30. Don’t let the space dog grab the broom.

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Think this was made during the Space Race, given how the Russians sent dogs in space. Still, the moon seems like he’s enjoying himself.

31. Easter is a time to get out of one’s shell.

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Yeah, I don’t get how they have people in eggs. Much less including flowers as well.

32. Looks like the chickens are out in their Easter Sunday best.

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I don’t get putting chickens in clothes like this. But they all seem like a rather well-dressed family.

33. Apparently, the witches are eager to fly like the rest of us.

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They may be excited now. But wait until they realize that their cats will need to be in crates and put in the baggage area.

34. Once in awhile, a good looking witch flies through the night sky.

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You can see the men looking up at her. Bunch of skeevy perverts.

35. While some witches wear baggy dresses, some wear very few clothes at all.

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Guess she’s meant for a pinup. Though even characters on Harry Potter wore more while on their brooms than this. Also, Easter usually doesn’t have appropriate weather for swimsuits, especially in Sweden.

36. This chick welcomes you to his humble abode.

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This chick wears a fez and smokes a pipe. I know it’s crazy that you’d think this card’s designer was on drugs.

37. This Easter witch makes a smash on TV.

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Yes, she crashed through the TV. While the bald guys are wondering what the hell just happened.

38. Always test the ladder before you climb it.

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Looks like the ladder couldn’t support the Easter Bunny’s weight. Then again, he might’ve just entered the chicken coop to steal some eggs.

39. “Is that a bunny hatching from that egg?”

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Bunnies don’t hatch from eggs. Nonetheless, I can’t blame the boy from being understandably freaked out by the whole thing.

40. Egg-stealing gnome wishes you a joyous Easter.

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He better be fast cause that rooster looks like he could peck the guy to death. Wouldn’t want that.

41. Perhaps a chick would want a ride on a carousel.

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The eggshells are swings. While one chick waits in line. Still, it’s kind of weird if you look at it.

42. Witches, feel free to take a rest stop in the clouds.

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Well, witches can use a break, too. Still, what the hell’s with that attendant?

43. Easter greetings from the flower ladies.

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Yet, these flowers have women’s faces. Wonder if anyone who designed this was on drugs. Probably. Seriously, why?

44. Easter eggs always drop from a ringing bell.

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This is a tradition in France, by the way. Yeah, it makes no sense to me either.

45. On a cold Easter, the Easter Bunny transports Easter eggs in the snow.

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Normally we don’t associate snow with Easter since it’s a spring holiday. But snow in April isn’t unheard of. Guess this is from Canada.

46. “Who’s in the mood for some accordion music?”

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Seems like nobody’s interested among the chicks. Even the bunny knows his talent isn’t appreciated.

47. This Easter, bunnies will take to the skies.

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Yes, bunnies take to the skies. I know it’s really crazy. One even drops eggs from his basket.

48. “Care for some milk for the cat?”

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You’d almost think these women are at a coven. Nonetheless, their faces look so sinister for 2 old ladies.

49. Egg ladies wish you a happy Easter.

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Indeed, this is really crazy. Even the cat is sort of shaped like an egg. Seriously, why?

50. On Easter, one has to look their best.

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Yet, despite being in a tub, that one chick still wears shorts. Not sure why that is (aside from censorship but even that’s ridiculous).

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Sixth Edition)

swallow-clipart-graphicsfairy012bIn January, you often see stores stashed with Valentine’s Day gifts, cards, and decorations. Because let’s just say after one cash cow holiday is over, retail chains just latch onto the next. Though some do use Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday to sell stuff, which goes against the great civil rights leader’s legacy. Anyway, one tradition of Valentine’s Day is exchanging valentines filled with sentiments of love. Though some people may hold nostalgia for some of these vintage cards. Yet, do a Google search and you’ll find that many of these valentines aren’t as wholesome as many would remember. Sure they might have cutesy images. But the words can also be double entendres as well as convey some unsettling messages. While some may depict inappropriate imagery entirely. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of crazy vintage valentines. Enjoy.

  1. Happy Valentine’s Day from the fish and the leek.
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I have no idea what these two have to do with each other. Makes The Shape of Water seem comparatively tame.

2. “I’m grinding out the wish that’s my heart.”

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Featuring a meat grinder in any valentine isn’t really a good idea. Seriously it makes the kid seem like a budding psychopath.

3. “Like mustard on a weenie, I’d go good with you. So be my little valentine, no one else will do!”

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The girl apparently seems impressed by the size of the, uh, hotdog. Seriously, I know the dirty implications of “weenie.”

4. “In spite of all I have to do, I’ll never be forgetting you.”

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Yet, look in the outgoing mail bin, you see that Susie doesn’t just have eyes for one. Susie is a slut.

5. “I’d share my heart with you.”

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But what are they sharing? Is that ice cream? Please let it be ice cream.

6. “Baby it’s brief. I love you, my valentine.”

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And here’s a girl lounging in a sexy pose on a beach chair. Definitely not appropriate for a Valentine’s Day card.

7. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than one of a scary clown.

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And you thought Pennywise was creepy. This guy’s guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

8. “You’re such a pretty little tot/I hope that U will forget me not.”

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Cue the girl reaching into her pocket and pulling out a vial of mace to spray into that boy’s face. I’m sure he has it coming.

9. “Please be ‘frank’, Valentine, ‘must’d be a ‘long’ wait?”

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Cue how he’s got a hungry look in his eyes. And I don’t think it’s for hotdogs either.

10. Nothing will please but the whole package.

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This is rather suggestive, especially with “Big Boy” at the end. Also, the drawing kind of freaks me out.

11. “Every evening after nine, I dream of you, my Valentine.”

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Yet, looking into his cold dead eyes, you wish he wouldn’t. Seriously, the kid’s creeping me out.

12. Will you be my valentine, please?

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Still, “Little Girl” and “Big Boy” doesn’t seem to have appropriate connotation. Also, the girl seems desperate.

13. “I’d like to be my neighbor’s valentine.”

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Sure the kids may not mind. But both seem to have a look that would lead to a restraining order.

14. “I love you now, as I always did./I even loved you as a kid.”

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Okay, this seems a bit creepy. And I think the girl and the cat in the baby carriage is quite freaked out.

15. “I’d love to saddle myself off on you for life!”

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May be innocent enough. But “saddle” seems to carry a rather sexual double entendre. Let’s hope she’s not on a one trick pony.

16. “Stealing a heart is no crime.”

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Is that girl’s dress up? Seems like it. Still, the rabbit really doesn’t want to see that.

17. “I believe in women’s rights- and I’m right this time!”

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Uh, that’s not exactly women’s rights. Besides, there’s a chance she could be wrong.

18. “I’m in a stew over you, Valentine!”

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Yet, this doesn’t mean you should put a dog in a big pot of stew. Unless this is from China.

19. This clown has lots of love for you.

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Still, that doesn’t mean you should go near that guy since he’s pretty terrifying. Though you have to admire how he juggles hearts and a barrel.

20. “You iss like a flower in the garden of my heart.”

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I’m not sure if I’d want flowers from a kid who can easily be the killer in a horror movie. But that’s just me.

21. “You’re the girl for my boy-cycle.”

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For one, the kid is as creepy as hell. Secondly, I think by “boy-cycle” he means his penis. But I must’ve had my mind in the gutter too long.

22. Happy Valentine’s Day from the cross-eyed Dutch girl.

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This must’ve been the fault of the illustration. But you wonder if the girl doesn’t see a doctor. Then again, she might not be able to afford it.

23. “You’ve got me eating out of your hands, my Valentine.”

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I’m guessing the gator is into the girl in the grass skirt. And the girl seems okay with it. Or is that supposed to be a dinosaur? Oh, God, I’m confused.

24. “I aim to make you my Valentine. Can I be your big shot?”

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Again, with the gunplay. Still, no, I don’t want to be your “big shot.”

25. “I’m fiddling while my heart burns for you, Valentine.”

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It’s almost as if he’s a little Nero in the making. Since he seems like the boy who’d fiddle while everything around him goes up in smoke. Mostly because he started the fire.

26. “I’ve enlisted in Cupid’s Army.”

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Apparently, Cupid sees no need to wear pants even in uniform. Seriously, what does he have against pants? And I hope he’s wearing underwear.

27. “Shine on me and make me glow, my Valentine.”

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Did anyone notice how a lightbulb kind of resembles a pair of testicles? Maybe not until you saw this valentine. Kind of explains how men promise you love but they give you their balls.

28. “You’re so sweet- I can eat you up.”

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Though it doesn’t sound quite right coming from a ferocious shark. After all, we’ve all seen Jaws.

29. “I’m fishin’ fer a little girl’s love.”

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Note how he has the large gold fish between his legs. Seems suggestive for a boy doesn’t it? You can see why he wants a little girl’s “love.”

30. “I’ll hammer away till you’re mine.”

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Hammering away till they’re yours isn’t a good relationship strategy. If she doesn’t want you, she doesn’t want you. Also, he’s totally nailing the heart.

31. Hope your valentine is out of this world.

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See how the heart is strategically placed over the alien’s chest. Still, I think it’s supposed to be a girl given the eyelashes and pony tail.

32. “I’m gunning for you, Valentine! I aim to please you!”

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The gun and holster image shows that this pertains to sex. Seriously, they don’t even try to imply it.

33. Looks like Cupid is staging a stick up.

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Seems like he’s after love and money. Yet, he doesn’t seem intimidating wearing a golden belt with a holster.

34. “Pop! Pop!…will go this gun of mine as long as you’re my Valentine!”

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Don’t think a boy should be putting his hand into a cannon. Else he’ll either end up in the ER or six feet under.

35. “Be my Valentine. I think you are a deer.”

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You mean you think I’m someone to shoot at and make into food and clothes. Also, it’s cool for white kids to dress as Native Americans.

36. Happy Valentine’s Day from Officer Monkey.

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And that monkey has a gun and a night stick. I think you want to watch out for him and run for the hills.

37. “I will have an axe to grind unless you’ll be my valentine.”

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Boy isn’t messing around either. So accept him or he’ll hack you to pieces. Seriously, this is messed up.

38. “We’d be way out on Valentine’s Day.”

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Didn’t know they had valentines of the Rolling Stones. Guess this one is Mick Jagger. Though you won’t get any satisfaction from this one.

39. “My heart’s zooming like a rocket for you, Valentine.”

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And yet he’s holding onto a rocket shooting up into space. Note the phallic imagery as it’s situated between his legs.

40. Someone’s hunting for your heart.

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The boy is on a boat with a gun and holding a gun. So run for the hills or he’ll bag you as a trophy.

41. So does a tennis player score at all when making love?

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I bet the gist of this card is: “So do you think I’m great in bed?” But they used tennis motifs to make it seem wholesome when it’s not.

42. “You’re different, Valentine!”

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Yet, this one features a tiki mask. Something that Polynesian people hold as a sacred image. Oh, commercialism, what will you debase next?

43. Green Arrow is aiming for his valentine.

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Yet, unlike Cupid, I don’t think his arrows will make you fall in love with someone. Rather they’ll probably kill you. Also, he kind of resembles a sex dungeon Robin Hood.

44. He’s out to trap his valentine.

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Sure he might be stalking for his valentine. But at least he’s got a blunderbuss. So he’s only got one shot.

45. “I want a good girl-bad!”

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Yet, smoking a cigarette while being dressed in shorts and a sweater won’t help. Seriously, he reminds me of a pint-sized Victor McLagen from The Informer.

46. Of course, Valentine’s Day has its share of broken hearts.

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Though this is just utterly ridiculous. Seriously, she might be sad. But she kind of makes me wonder if the designers were on drugs at the time.

47. Perhaps you might want to buy a watermelon.

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Okay, this is really racist. Yeah, I know it was a different time. But still, the offensiveness must be noted. Also, see how the girl has bare feet and is smiling.

48. Want to do the hula for love?

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Not sure if this is offensive. But what the hell is the girl wearing under her grass skirt?

49. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like the sound of a machine gun from the trenches.

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What does Valentine’s Day have to do with a combat zone? Shouldn’t love be about promoting peace between nations? Not killing each other?

50. Want to propose to your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day? Send them this lobster valentine.

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Well, chances are if you’re using a ring, you can’t afford a lobster dinner anyway. Still, lobster is a strange thing to put on a valentine.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Fifth Edition)

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Back in the day, people would often send Christmas greeting cards to each other. Now like many Christmas traditions, the practice of exchanging cards during the holiday season began during the Victorian era. As you can imagine some of these cards might evoke some sentimentality with its Christmas imagery. Yet, there are some that will make you go “what the fuck?” Over the years I’ve done annual vintage Christmas cards posts, the older ones tend to be the crazier. You have to wonder whether the designers of these baffling cards wanted to be creative or funny. Or they had no idea what constitutes as an appropriate Christmas card. Or they were willing to try anything. Of course, when you think of old-fashioned Christmas cards, these don’t usually come to mind. But they do exist and I intend to show some of them. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas greeting cards that time forgot. Enjoy.

  1. Santa Claus looks to the Earth from his satellite.
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So this is another Santa in space card. Wonder how Santa doesn’t manage to suffocate and die. Is his suit magical?

2. Wishing you a jolly Christmas from the local neighborhood psychokiller.

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For how else could you explain a bloody saw on a Christmas card? Seriously, a bloody saw doesn’t represent Peace on Earth to me.

3. All aboard on the Santa Express.

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Yet, Santa seems way too big for the engine since he’s sitting on it like a toy. Still, there’s plenty to go around for all the kids. Yet, they just want his Christmas tree, which is not for sale.

4. Nobody wants to see Krampus out in the snow.

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Seems like he’s got a frightened kid already. But apparently, there seems room for more despite how full his basket seems.

5. Careful not to get stuck in the Christmas pudding.

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Apparently, these kids didn’t get the memo. Or they’re digging into the pudding like ravenous ants.

6. Apparently, Santa has started delivering gifts via airship this year.

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“Here’s a dolly for Susie and down the chimney she goes. Now on to the next house since I have to make millions of visits within 24 hours.”

7. Seems like we’ve got a few kids hiding in the tree.

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For one, a tree with candle lights is a fire hazard. Second, is that kid munching on an ornament? Third, the 2 kids on top scare the hell out of me.

8. Seasons Greetings from cats learning math.

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Okay, I can see why Victorians would go for this since cats are cute. But cats solving math problems hardly fits the idea of Christmas. Yet, one doesn’t seem to pay attention in class.

9. “With the season’s greetings.”

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Now that has to be one of the freakiest flowers I’ve ever seen. And it seems to be among the carnivorous types about to devour a bee with a basket.

10. Battling ants give compliments of the season.

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This scene would be epic for a war movie. These guys got weapons and instruments. It’s very impressive. But what the hell does it have anything to do with Christmas? It’s about peace on earth, not mass ant slaughter.

11. “A friend in need is a friend indeed.”

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Apparently, there didn’t seem to be much traffic enforcement in Victorian times. And the horse is about to run into a blind man, which you can tell by the sign he’s wearing. It’s up to his dog to save the day.

12. Frosty is pleased to make your acquaintance.

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Yet, the girls don’t seemed freaked out by the snowman coming to life and taking off his hat like a gentleman. Even the dog is intrigued.

13. “May you spend a happy Christmas.”

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So this season’s greetings is coming from a flying jellyfish. How the hell is that possible?

14. “Wishing you a merry Christmas” from a pair of stiff upper-lip cats.

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Indeed, they’re on a Sunday morning walk through the meadow. But their relationship hasn’t been the greatest lately.

15. “May Christmas pass as merrily with us/As with the enterprising little puss/Who quite enjoys flirting and the fuss.”

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So the cat’s basically making the moves on a lady cat. While her father watches so they don’t get too frisky.

16. “Wishing you a purr-fectly happy Christmas” from cats on a whistle.

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Apparently, the Victorians seem to like cats a lot. Still, how they got on the whistle, I don’t have the slightest idea.

17. “Now dance and jump and make good cheer/For Christmas comes but once a year.”

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However, that chicken hasn’t been in good shape. While the rabbits play on.

18. Best not to disturb the birdhouse.

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Yet, I don’t think he’s come for any benign intent. If he wakes up the bird, he’s bound to get pecked to death.

19. Nothing makes Christmas like throwing snowballs on a local policeman.

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It’s all fun and games until the bobby gets his stick out and chases them. Yeah, might want to go back inside.

20. “Nice weather for young ducks.”

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Really? Oh, I see they’re ice skating. Yet, I don’t think winter weather is nice for young ducks. That would be spring.

21. Krampus always knows how to make a clean getaway.

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So, kids, sit back and relax since Krampus is about to take you through the highway to Hell. Though he does have a basket of apples for refreshment.

22. Perhaps the Krampus will take you on a sled ride.

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The kids in the basket are waving goodbye to the one left behind. Wonder if the children are putting on a brave front since they don’t seem scared.

23. You might want to look out behind you.

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For the Krampus is coming to get this girl. Yet, she doesn’t seem to have any idea he’s around.

24. “Get into the firey inferno! I don’t have all day!”

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Obviously, the kids would be reluctant to go into a fiery death. But as far as Krampus is concerned, they shouldn’t have acted like brats in the first place.

25. The fishermen fish wish you a merry Christmas.

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I know fishes eat other fish. But this Christmas card is absolutely ridiculous. Seriously, why?

26. “Make every cat grow sleek and fat on turkey this Christmas day.”

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And yet, the turkey on the table appears quite small. While the cook cat cries for not being able to find a bigger bird to eat among the mass outrage.

27. Nothing says Christmas like gnomes gathering round the Christmas tree in a rustic cabin.

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So the elder gnome sits smoking his pipe. While the smaller gnomes dance around the tree. Are those supposed to be his children? Also, what’s that pig doing in the window?

28. Even the Krampus is in the mood for love once in awhile.

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Apparently, despite his appearance and reputation for kidnapping children, he’s a hit with the ladies. Not sure why since I wouldn’t want to go 100ft near him.

29. “Want to ride in my pig pulled sleigh?”

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It’s possible that a pig pulled sleigh can be done. But pigs aren’t known for smelling that great. Yet, this girl doesn’t seem to mind.

30. “A Merry Christmas to you” from some classy owls.

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After all, owls don’t go out on the town without their top hats. But they usually act like gentlemen.

31. “We’ve got plans for you, Goldilocks.”

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Apparently, the 3 Bears snatched her from her bead and are now taking her to a pot to boil alive. That’ll teach the girl not to stage a home invasion.

32. “With the season’s greetings,” from an onion.

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I think it’s supposed to be shaped like a woman with the long hair and root dress. Still, this is pretty messed up.

33. “A Merry Christmas to you” from a couple of clowns.

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Here a scary clown shoves a guy into a barrel head first. While the old clown couldn’t bear to watch. I don’t want to know what happens next.

34. “In silvery accents whispering low_a happy Christmastide!”

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Yet, the guy seems rather pissed off on how the cats’ singing is disrupting his sleep. One of them seems to sing, “Memory, all alone in the moonlight…”

35. “To wish you the compliments of the season.”

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Now watch this spider eat the fly trapped in its web. Since when does stuff like this belong on a Christmas card?

36. “Let not roast beef be carelessly passed by/At Christmas hold him in esteem most high.”

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I’ve heard about beefy men before. But this just takes it to the utter extreme. Woman doesn’t seem to mind that his head is literally on a platter.

37. “With the compliments to the season” by a cat and owl.

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Seems like the cat and owl got a good catch of mice with dandy traps. And no, I really don’t want to try one.

38. Christmas is a time when birds come to greet each other in the snow.

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Funny, how one’s wearing a top hat and is smoking a cigar. While another has a winter hat on.

39. This rabbit is pulling for a merry Christmas.

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Now I can understand this for an Easter card. But Christmas, seriously? That doesn’t make sense.

40. “Bright be thy Christmas.”

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Since nothing should evoke Christmas like junk photo. Actually, what does China have to do with Christmas?

41. “A Merry Christmas to you” from the meadow.

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Okay, this make a great Easter card since it includes lambs and evokes spring. But a Christmas card, are you fucking kidding me?

42. These rays come in with the catch of the day.

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So what do stingray fishermen have anything to do with Christmas? Seriously, I have no idea why they’re featured on a card like this.

43. Everyone enjoys a good sleigh ride now and then.

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Yet, it’s pulled by a pig whose shit can reek the whole neighborhood. Though the two ladies also enjoy a bottle of booze for extra merriment.

44. “I have come to greet you.”

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Yes, that’s coming from a talking goat while the boy’s just shocked out of his mind. Then again, the goat might want him to share some of his snack. Also, what does this have to do with Christmas?

45. Perhaps you might want some Christmas delights.

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Here they come with the roast, pudding, and drinks. Oh, you’re freaked out. Well, try tipping them if you don’t want them to haunt your dreams.

46. “What next will Mr. Pudding do:/Cycling like this to me and you.”

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Wonder what he did to piss off the fruit chasing him. The world will never know. But he’s terrifying nonetheless.

47. “May Christmas bring you many pleasures.”

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Though these kids bring a wreath and flowers as a way to be nice. Before they kill you in your sleep for giggles. Yes, they are that evil.

48. “Who’s afraid?”

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Actually, this would’ve been okay as a Christmas card. Save for the caption. And how the bird inquisitively looks at the tin soldier in the snow.

49. Biking chickens wish you a merry Christmas.

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Apparently, they prefer the big wheel variety. While they seem to have their wings tucked in their shirts.

50. Sophisticated monkey wishes you a merry Christmas.

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Well, this isn’t too bad. Assuming if we lived in a Planet of the Apes universe. Also, he has human hands which is weird.