Ghastly Halloween Greetings in the Ghoulish Days of Old (Fourth Edition)

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Now it’s onto the vintage Halloween greeting cards. Over the years, I’ve showed my readers all the crazy Halloween vintage cards out there. Sure, the pumpkin scarecrow smoking a pipe might not fly today. Yet, compared to some of the old Halloween cards out there, it’s pretty tame. Of course, you’ll see plenty of witches, jack-o’-lanterns, ghosts, goblins, devils, skeletons, and other scary figures in the night. Yet, you’d also see plenty of other strange figures that would make you wonder whether these cards were created on an opium haze. You’ll find creatures made out of pumpkins and gourds. You’ll see children with pumpkin heads. You may even see a man in the moon with an unsettling grin. Furthermore, you may think the kids in these cards seem uncannily sinister than cute. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasure trove of crazy Halloween cards bound to give you either the giggles or nightmares.

  1. “When witches abound/And ghosts are seen/Your fate you will learn/On Halloween.”
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However, after she’s carving that pumpkin, Elsie plans on going on a midnight murder spree with her friends. Her cat’s not pleased.

2. “Gladys, I think you’ve been smoking peyote for far too long.”

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I don’t know about you, but the jack-o’-lantern seems pretty high. Like how is that possible?

3. “On Hallowe’en look in the glass/Your future husband’s face will pass.”

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Though I’d worry more about the shadowy witch behind her if I was that woman. Seriously, she’s literally in the shadows.

4. Have a happy Halloween but look out for goblins.

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So that’s what those pumpkin people near the mushrooms supposed to be. Yet, these kids don’t seem scared by them for some reason.

5. “Beware! The time is here/In which the witches do appear.”

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Forget the witches. I think the clock is kind of freaky looking. Not to mention, it has a jack-o’-lantern pendulum.

6. This witch comes to cast you a Halloween spell of good luck and riches.

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Judging by the cat freaking out, I kind of beg to differ. Since the witch kind of seems sinister with a jack-o’-lantern light.

7. Beware of the pumkinheaded man on top a white horse.

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Oh, wait, that’s a guy dressed as a pumpkinheaded man on a horse. Also, what’s with the cats on their backs? Are they dead?

8. Remember, ghosts come out on Halloween night.

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The owl’s like, “I freaking go out at night. You think I didn’t know that already?”

9. Beware of going out at night when the pumpkin man is on the premises.

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This boy doesn’t know what’s coming to him. Also, what’s with the green cat?

10. Halloween greetings from the little witch in the pumpkin house.

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Okay, that house looks pretty freaky. Yet, the little witch is more upset about her jack-o’-lantern falling apart.

11. On Halloween, even the cars have faces.

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That will certainly give you a deer in the headlights look. The kid driving it is even freakier.

12. Happy Halloween from the spider woman.

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Really don’t want to know how they would’ve drawn Spiderman. Seriously, the spider with a woman’s head already scares the shit out of me.

13. “May Halloween fun be yours.”

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These kids appear like the stuff of nightmares. No wonder the man in the moon is kind of freaking out.

14. Bobbing for apples is great Halloween fun.

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I wouldn’t think this boy sees it that way. More like he doesn’t want to go through that again.

15. “Boil and bubble/Toil and trouble.”

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The cat’s like, “When you’re finished, please don’t test it on me. I don’t want know what it’ll do to me!”

16. “On Halloween: a dark secret.”

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What’s that girl doing with that boy’s hand? I don’t have a good feeling about her.

17. You won’t get a fright if you set a jack-o’-lantern alight.

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However, I’m more scared of seeing the Ooompah Loompahs hauling a pumpkin out of the patch. Seriously, ever saw them sing whenever a kid succumbs to temptation?

18. Be wary of black cats on Halloween.

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For they seem to eye the girl with her jack-o’-lantern so eerily. Like they’re her minions doing her bidding. Even witches have trouble with black cats.

19. The demons always love to come out on Halloween.

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Though the smoking pumpkins seem far more sinister. The devils just seem like they’re jumping freestyle.

20. This lovely witch wishes you a joyful Halloween.

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But her broomstick is equipped with state of the art pumpkins and gourds. the jack-o’-lantern serves as headlights.

21. Nothing is more fun on Halloween than a witches’ circle.

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As the witches dance around the jack-o’-lantern, the cat’s hairs stand on end. Guess it doesn’t like how things are going or something more sinister.

22. Beware when the pumpkinhead ghosts comes to your door.

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I can see why this woman is certainly upset to see this ghoul. Since I’d feel the same way.

23. Halloween greetings from the night fairies.

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Here they carry Chinese lanterns on sticks. Still, I’m not sure what fairies have to do with Halloween.

24. On Halloween night, best to look behind the ghost in the mirror.

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Seems like the Oompah Loompahs are behind it. Though such hijinks by them seems kind of benign in comparison.

25. On Halloween night, even the youngest witches come out.

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By how that girl smiles, I can understand why the cats are freaking out. Since she seems likely to whack someone with her broomstick.

26. Don’t forget to feed the pumpkin on Halloween night.

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And here the demons are getting all the kindling and fuel at the ready. All this does is make the pumpkin even more terrifying.

27. To deter tick-tackers, always keep a pumpkin scarecrow in handy.

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Sure it may seem to do the trick. All this kid needed was a jack-o’-lantern, stakes, and a white sheet.

28. Look out, it’s the pumpkin man!

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Actually, I’m more disturbed with the costumed kids than the running pumpkin guy. After them, pumpkin man! Get ’em!

29. These children wish you a happy Halloween around the jack-o’-lantern.

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Though I’m not sure what scares me more: the creepy children or the glowing jack-o’-lantern. Yet, the cats seem to take it in stride.

30. “To greet you heartily this Hallowe’en.”

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Heartily? These pumpkins seem to go after the scared black cat with the intention to kill.

31. This witch gives you Halloween greetings from her pumpkin cauldron.

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Though she doesn’t seem happy with what she’s doing. “Why did I have to brew draught of the living dead when I could’ve left home and become a magician?”

32. Girls and boys always enjoy bobbing for apples.

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Jack-o’-lantern’s like “they’re going make out, aren’t they? Why do I have to see this?”

33. “The pumpkin light of Hallowe’en is the only by which elves are seen.”

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Those are elves? More like terrifying goblins from what I see. Please, keep them away.

34. Halloween greetings from the pretty red-haired witch.

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Apparently, the man in the moon seems to enjoy seeing her. The cat, not so much.

35. You can never have too many bats in the house on Halloween.

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Yet, why she’s in a lovely silk pink dress among the bats, I don’t have the slightest idea. And why is she holding up a broomstick? Is she a witch?

36. “You’ll meet your fate on Hallowe’en.”

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Well, the mice certainly know their fate. Yet, the pumpkin head kids on a log also give me nightmares.

37. Hope you have fun at a Halloween party.

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The girl in the witch costume is like, “I’d like to go home now.” And judging by the cats freaking out and the guy’s ghastly scarecrow costume, I wouldn’t blame her.

38. A Halloween bonfire is always a good time.

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However, these kids don’t seem to have any fun. Also, wonder what’s in that pot the ghost is stirring.

39. Guys, if you look into the fire on Halloween, you’ll see your future wife.

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Okay, that’s kind of freaky. Maybe he should try the mirror, that might be safer. Reminds me too much of Frollo’s “Hellfire.”

40. Halloween is always a night of revelry in an enchanted world.

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Are naked gnomes? God, they’re hideously terrifying. Definitely giving me bad dreams tonight.

41. A witch enjoys spending time with a pumpkin on a seesaw.

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Though the cat seems freaked out by the witch, I’m more terrified over the pumpkin. Also, its limbs seemed made out of peanuts.

42. “Don’t be scared on Hallowe’en/Things are seldom what they seem.”

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Yeah, that helps when you have a pumpkin headed demon behind you. Know that I was being sarcastic.

43. Beware of the dreaded pumpkin men on Halloween night.

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Here is a woman on a pumpkin who seems unimpressed by what she sees. Like she thought they’d be more scary looking.

44. Best you don’t get scared this Halloween.

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Apparently, that kid is like, “Just imagine what you’ll dream about when I get to you.” Don’t have a good feeling about this.

45. There’s nothing on Halloween than a dance with the pumpkin guys.

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Okay, I think whoever designed this car must’ve been some heavy drugs at the time. Yet, the cat’s basically like, “What the fuck is going on here?”

46. You’ll never know what will come out of your jack-o’-lantern on Halloween night.

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Kid doesn’t seem to mind that a witch is literally coming out of his pumpkin. Yet, even he doesn’t seem particularly right in the head either.

47. Don’t go in the woods on Halloween night if you dare.

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Those trees behind the boy seem particularly sinister. Get out of there, Johnny, before they kill you!

48. Halloween is always a time of spooks in the night.

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Though I think the moon seems to scare the shit out of me more than anything else in this card. Seriously, he doesn’t seem up to any good.

49. Perhaps you might want to go on a Halloween balloon ride.

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Yet, the balloon seems eerily empty. While the jack-o’-lantern still smiles. Not sure what to think.

50. Halloween greetings from a little witch and her cat.

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Cat’s basically like, “Help me!” You can’t even imagine what kind of hell it’s living through as this girl says, “I’ll hug ’em and squeeze ’em, and kee ’em forever and ever.”

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Easter Greetings from the Days of Yesteryear (Fourth Edition)

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During the Easter season, you might see a lot of these Easter greeting cards. Many of them depict beautiful imagery like you see above. Some of them might have cute bunnies and chicks. Some may have colored eggs and Easter baskets. Yet, while sending Easter greeting cards isn’t very common nowadays, people would send these back in the day. But while some of these may evoke warm feelings of nostalgia, some might make you scratch your head in confusion. Or inspire laughter. Since I started doing posts on vintage Easter cards, I’ve found plenty, especially if they pertain to anthropomorphic critters like rabbits and chicks. This time is no different. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of crazy vintage Easter cards that time forgot.

  1. Sergeant Bunny’s selling some eggs and chicks.

Here he has some eggs in bags and nets and chicks in a cage. Whew, selling this stuff must be a lot of work.

2. Gather round to hear some homeless bunny street musicians.

Heard they’re a folk music band called Benny Long Ears and the Hare Hutch. And they’re basically playing for carrots.

3. Easter greetings from the egg shell hot air balloon.

While it may look cute, you have to wonder about the laws of physics in this one. Because I’m not sure if an eggshell has any wind resistance.

4. Sometimes you have to lounge around in a giant eggshell.

Because walking your rabbits is always exhausting. Oh, that’s supposed to be a wagon?

5. Hope you can make yourselves at home at a giant egg house.

Apparently, they come from a world with two kinds of rabbits. Ones that wear clothes and walk on hind legs. And ones that don’t. Also, the chicken couple doesn’t seem to mind that the a sentient rabbit is hoarding eggs.

6. Nothing says Easter like a naked child on top a lamb.

However, the sheep doesn’t seem thrilled with the kid riding on it and incessantly ringing the bell. Yes, that can be annoying.

7. Easter greetings from the chick hikers.

However, Jerry wasn’t pleased with Stanley’s habit of singing and playing accordion music. If Stan didn’t stop, Jerry swore to God he’d whack him with his cane.

8. “Who ordered the Easter eggs?”

While the Easter Bunny fills Easter baskets once a year, he mostly works as a waiter. And he mostly gets by on tips.

9. Be careful holding Easter eggs on your dress.

Because the mama and daddy chicks are out for blood. Wait, chicks have chicks? This is messed up.

10. “So, kids, you want your eggs wrapped?”

And there you see the chicks looking by as the rabbit vender sells their fellow brethren to children. And they can’t do anything about it.

11. Children always delight seeing bunny egg races.

Funny, how the bunny’s driving two other bunnies to run the chariot. Not sure how that works.

12. Since Easter opens spring, love is in the air.

Though I’m not sure if this boy knows anything about consent. Because I don’t think the girl asked for it. Boy, sexual misconduct starts young.

13. Someone seems reluctant to get out of her shell.

Though she appears annoyed, it’s her doll that terrifies me. Yeah, that thing freaks me out.

14. Of course, you need egg lamps for the Easter parade.

Didn’t know that Easter eggs could light up like that. Yet, that doesn’t explain why they’re not wearing pants.

15. Eggshell rabbit wishes you a joyous Easter.

Yet, he’s greeted by a bunny with no clothes on. And the eggshell has a few cracks.

16. This chick has some eggs to sell in his basket.

Yes, this is a chick selling Easter eggs. Not sure how to explain that. And he’s even smoking a pipe.

17. City chickens always take the flower trolley.

So this trolley is filled with chicks and chickens. And yet, the chicks are seen as adults. Not sure why.

18. Sometimes a bunny has to do what she’s got to do.

Seems like the mother bunny’s come back with a load of eggs. And she’s showing her daughter the ropes.

19. Apparently, chicks always go for the bunnies.

Well, at least the rabbit is a gentleman. While the chick band plays in the background.

20. These 3 bunnies await for a steamship to come by the docks.

One bunny is using a chick for his portable organ. Like an organ grinder uses a monkey.

21. Holding a baby chick is always precious.

Yet, this girl is like, “I’ll hug em’ and squeeze em’ and keep em’ for ever and ever.” Yeah, that chick’s not set for a happy life.

22. Hop aboard the mighty SS Eggshell.

It’s an eggshell wooden ship with sails and flowers. But it’s all manned by chicks.

23. Chicks always love to fly on an Easter basket airship.

It even has Easter egg sand bags. But let’s hope no beak goes near the blimp.

24. Easter greetings from the chicks on a jeep.

Okay, it’s an old fashioned car. And the chicks are in military hats. But you have to like the pussy willow hood ornament.

25. In America, Easter chicks always hop off the blimp with a ladder.

Yes, I know it’s kind of crazy. But at least they’re not putting their beaks at the canvas.

26. Nothing impresses like pulling a rabbit out of their hat.

Yet, the bunny doesn’t seem impressed. Hope that woman stops gloating because she might be in a world of pain.

27. Spring cherubs always spread happiness at Eastertide.

This is kind of like a version of the bunny egg chariot. But the naked children pulling the egg cart don’t seem to mind.

28. Children always like finding eggs and chasing chickens.

Luckily the rooster got his family behind the giant Easter egg. Still, if the kids piss him off, they will soon regret it. Because roosters will attack.

29. I guess nobody wants to share a small egg home with a sheep.

Don’t look now. But I think that sheep just mauled the little kid. Yes, this home isn’t big enough for the both of them.

30. Let’s stop by to the hen with the Easter eggs.

Tragically, she’s so poor that she’ll have to sell some of her own children. What a shame.

31. Sometimes the Easter Bunny may toss an egg to a child.

Let’s hope that egg doesn’t break. Or else the girl gets egg all over her face.

32. A white rabbit is always a stunning Easter sight.

Yet, a white rabbit with red eyes has a certain creepiness to it. And this one seems like it’s up to something.

33. This chick and rabbit sit on a bench on a lazy afternoon.

The chick has a basket of eggs. Yet, the chick and bunny seems kind of messed up to me.

34. Victorian ladies often found bunnies irresistible.

She keeps them in the cage she’s sitting on along with a couple of chicks. Oh, and she’s wearing a fur stole while holding one.

35. “May Easter now and ever be,/A source for pleasure pure for thee.”

Yes, I know the rabbit’s talking from the egg. But it’s the little girl who creeps me out.

36. It’s well known that the Easter Bunny often stages a raid at a chicken coop.

Yet, while dismayed, the hen gives up without a fight. The rabbits are stunned.

37. Hobo rabbits often travel on old timey bikes.

How these rabbits can climb up the bikes, I have now idea. Yet they somehow do while carrying bindle sticks.

38. Somehow this chick’s terrified of taking a swim.

Considering what swimsuit she’s wearing, I wouldn’t blame her. Those kinds of swimsuits were impractical anyway.

39. It’s always best to practice singing early in the morning.

But standing on an egg? Not the brightest idea. Though I do like how the conductor is in his robe and pajamas.

40. While on a boat ride, a guitar always comes handy.

Yet, it seems that no one wants to hear Old Cheepy play “Oh, Susannah” for the 100th time. How annoying.

41. Apparently, Johnny likes to balance a chicken and eggs on his head.

There are so many ways this can go wrong. Also, that girl looks a bit weird.

42. “So what will it be for the eggs?”

And I see the kids and the rabbit are at the haggling stage. Don’t really want to know how this goes.

43. It takes a bell to teach bunnies how to sing.

A bell conducting bunnies during a recital? Sounds like this card was envisioned during a absinthe binge.

44. “Wait, who goes there?”

Well, if you were minding your business while being intruded by a creepy guy with a hammer and chisel, you’d feel the same way. That guy is terrifying.

45. Happy Easter from a couple of egg people.

Yes, I know these two seem like they’re straight from a drunken haze. Because I don’t know how else to explain it.

46. Speaking of egg people, here’s a couple walking their bee.

Yes, this is an egg couple walking their bee. Can’t believe I just said that.

47. Occasionally, a rooster might upset the eggs from the basket.

Not sure what I find a bit freakish about this. The large rooster screaming over eggs about to break? Or its human hands?

48. Hope your Easter comes well stacked.

Though these bunnies are stacked on each other, one is worried how their tower will hold. Let’s hope it doesn’t fall.

49. These bush bunnies wish you a happy Easter.

However, these rabbits seem like they’re planning to kill someone than give eggs to children. Avoid them like the plague.

50. This bunny band always plays on the eggs.

One’s even playing on eggs with music on it. Yet, let’s hope they’re careful for eggs aren’t the most durable things.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Fifth Edition)

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Now that it’s late January, you’re bound to see plenty of red, pink, and white hearts at the store for Valentine’s Day. Sure it’s a day when people celebrate love and romance within the confines of the unpredictable snowy weather. Well, as far as we see it in the foreseeable future. So naturally, it’s a time when people send valentines to each other to express their love, along with candy and a stuff animal. This wasn’t much different back in the day. And while you might see plenty of cute valentines from that time, you’ll find some that seem rather strange. Some might contain double entendres. Some might be outright racist. Some may be creepy and contain unsettling messages. Some might defy all sense of logical explanation. But whatever the case, sending these old timey cards to your sweetheart might result in an inevitable breakup. However, feel free to look at these for a good laugh, especially if you’re single. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage valentines from yesterday.

  1. “Valentine! Speaking of spooks and haunts and such-beware! Help! Watch out!”

For one, Halloween has been over for like months. Second, sentiments like “beware,” “help,” and “watch out” don’t have good connotations.

2. You can even say the Devil has a heart on Valentine’s Day.

And here he stabs one with a pitchfork. All the other hearts below him are in a pit of fire. Not sure what to make out of that.

3. “Stop de-baiting and be my valentine.”

Still, we know why fishermen bait a fish. And it’s more along the lines of catch to eat. Nevertheless, the fish kind of reminds me of a Creature of the Black Lagoon winking in makeup.

4. Seems like some Indian wants you in her teepee.

Boy, that’s racist. Not only the speech seems offensive but the Indian looks pretty white.

5. All this guy wants is a girl in the kitchen to cook for him.

Some like light boys. Some like dark boys. But all I want is a guy who can make his own damn sandwich.

6. “Forbidden fruit is sweetest.”

Well, let’s say that this boy is budding pervert looking up that girl’s skirt. Bet this won’t go well.

7. Painting a heart can always do the trick.

I know it’s supposed to be red paint. But it looks like blood. This boy may love but he has a sick way of showing it.

8. “If you’ll be my sweetheart, I will be your beau.”

Sorry, Bobby, but I don’t think she’s interested. She’s still hung up over Pete going with Gretchen.

9. “O, Cupid, Cupid, how could you be so cruel!”

Takes “playing games with my heart” to a whole new level. But in this case, it’s soccer.

10. One always has eyes on their valentine.

Though I don’t take the guy’s stare as a loving embrace. Reminds me of some guy with a sick murder fetish.

11. “I aim to win you. You’re the ‘big shot’ in my life!”

But does she really need to use a cannon? Even if the balls have hearts on them. I’m sure she’d have better luck with the unusually short skirt.

12. Apparently, the Krampus has something to do with Valentine’s Day.

Though sometimes Krampus can get bored waiting until next Christmas to terrorize you. So he spends Valentines roasting hearts on a rotisserie.

13. Sometimes a valentine choice depends on what kind of house one lives.

So Jenny won’t live with Jimmy in a cottage. But she’ll have him in a bungalow. Apparently, she has her preferences.

14. “I feel awful funny whenever I think of you.”

So Bubbles the Clown has two hearts with an arrow stitched on his ass. Then again, his smile sends an uncomfortable vibe.

15. “Don’t be afraid, it’s only me with your Valentine.”

But showing up with a freaking mask doesn’t help matters. Then again, even without the mask, the kid still looks pretty creepy.

16. Love can always be better than money.

Basically, this valentine says, “I may be broke, but I have plenty of love to go around.” Still, he kind of seems a bit all over her. Yet, she doesn’t seem to mind.

17. “I’d like to label you ‘all mine’ and tell the gang you’re my valentine!”

Though putting a heart on her back doesn’t seem to have good implications. This is especially if she’s bewildered by the whole thing.

18. “Don’t keep me in the dog house, my valentine.”

And yes, this boy is literally in the dog house. Still, I’m not sure what would put him in the dog house. Nor do I want to know.

19. “I’ll come clean, be my valentine.”

Unfortunately, this scene sends a lot of Sandusky locker room vibes. Let’s just say, I find this valentine as disturbing as hell.

20. “It beats all how much I like you, Valentine!”

Sorry, but this Black Sambo beating a drum won’t win over that black person you’re trying to impress. Because it’s incredibly racist.

21. “You’re unusual, Valentine. Be mine.”

But saying she’s unusual like a carnival attraction might not go over well. Also, the girl’s in a cannon.

22. “The ‘bare fact’ is I want you for my valentine!”

Note that she’s naked and has a towel over her naughty bits. You can get what she might imply from the intended recipient.

23. Police clown wants you to be his valentine.

Though I wouldn’t want to be caught by this guy. Since he’s the stuff of nightmares. And he’s angry.

24. “Boom goes my heart!”

Note how he has the cannon positioned at his nether region. If you’ve looked at my other posts with boys and cannons, you can probably guess what this implies.

25. “This is no ‘boner,’ you’re my sweetheart.”

Actually, ‘boner’ meant a mistake at the time. But considering it’s a valentine, it might mean what you get from Viagra.

26. “No monkeying- I’m starving for you, my valentine.”

Though the girl’s holding the banana rather suggestively. And, no, that doesn’t look right.

27. “There’s ‘space’ in my heart for you, Valentine!”

Here he hugs onto the rocket. Not sure what that means, but I can guess there’s a phallic implication.

28. “Here is a king size chocolate wish for you!”

For nothing suggests love like the prospect of lung cancer, heart disease, and respiratory problems. Awww.

29. Even in injury, some just don’t know when to quit.

The fact he has a bump and bandage on his head doesn’t seem to get him to come to his senses. Also, if his valentine is a private secretary, then he might be liable for sexual harassment.

30. No guy would be wise to turn down Lixie.

Yet, I’m not sure what the candy she’s selling. Though it seems rather stick like. Oh, wait…

31. Sometimes a heart can be a bait for a trap.

You mean they had rats in valentines? Seriously, this is just so messed up. And yes, I think the heart is a trap.

32. “I’ll never forget/So you can bet/I’ll get you yet!”

Let’s just say the idea of an elephant coming to get you is just frightening. Also, suggests that the giver has no idea how to conduct a healthy relationship.

33. This guy is all tied for his valentine.

For nothing says love like tying oneself to a heart with Cupid’s help. If you and your sweetheart love kinky sex games, this is for you.

34. “I get a ‘bang’ out of you!”

Yes, hammer motifs in valentines are pretty disturbing. And this one pretty much nails it in.

35. “My love is hot by ginger, Valentine!”

Another instance of misplaced holiday icons. Still, the gingerbread man’s face may seem borderline offensive to some viewers. Or creep you out.

36. “You’re really ‘solid,’ let’s start now.”

I think I know where this going. And I’m implying beyond the kissing and hugging stage here.

37. “I have nine lives of love for you, my valentine.”

Nonetheless, Felix the Cat has just been released from Arkham Asylum. And he’ll wreak havoc on Gotham City as we speak since Batman has cat allergies.

38. “I’m ‘crying’ my eyes out for you. Be my Valentine!”

Sure the message may be sweet. But using a freakish yellow onion clown from nightmares doesn’t do any favors.

39. “Gr-r-r. I’ll be angry if you won’t be mine!”

Looking at that tiger, I don’t think this is a healthy way to initiate a relationship. Guess not good rejection.

40. This kitty wants to play a song for you.

Nevertheless, I’m not sure if I want to hear this cat on the piano. Seems a bit angry in the eyes. Like she’ll scratch you up if you reject her.

41. “It’s strictly business, be my valentine!”

I’m sure this girl should report this creep to Human Resources. Also, note how this guy looks at her back.

42. Cupid sends Valentine’s greetings.

And he has a large chest with hearts all over it. Don’t really want to know what he has in there. In fact, I’d rather not dwell on it.

43. Even Superman isn’t immune to love.

Yes, to Superman, love is like Kryptonite. It makes him weak. So I guess the man from Krypton shouldn’t fall in love. Too bad he’s with Lois Lane.

44. “Hope I make a hit with you. This time I’ll put some punch in it. Be my Valentine!”

Okay, this seems to suggest interpersonal violence, which is a relationship no-no. Also, the kid seems a bit angry and can’t take a hint.

45. “Anyone can plainly see/My teacher is O.K. with me. Be my Valentine!”

He’s holding an awfully long ruler. Anyway, I think I know what he’s suggesting. And it’s what we usually don’t talk about in school until the 8th grade.

46. “Dear, don’t see how you can live in such a cold place.”

And I can’t see how Cupid rises from a heart with a fur shawl. Okay, I guess this suggests that the recipient is a cold bitch. That’s kind of insulting.

47. “I’m cooking up a scheme to get you to be my valentine.”

And I see she’s probably cooking something in a cauldron over an open fire. Hope it’s not a love potion since it’s a date rape drug.

48. When it comes to romance, expect some disturbance.

From Viral Wonderz: “Hugging may be romantic, but this guy has got his eyes somewhere else. His Valentine is looking at him lovingly in the eye, but he has his eye on other parts of her body. They may look innocent, but there’s nothing innocent about this guy. The message is even more disturbing. This looks like a crime waiting to happen.”

49. “Why not ‘juice’ me for your valentine?”

From Viral Wonderz: “Read more: “We’re not sure if this card is advertising a juicer for Valentine’s day or has a different meaning altogether? Yes, we love our refreshing lemonades but we think this vintage card wants to juice something else. Just hope that the father of your valentine won’t see this or else you’ll be the one juiced up.”

50. “I have to join two hearts in one/And wish this tender task were done.”

However, she has all those hearts on her dress and just has to have one more. Not surprisingly, she breaks a few.

 

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Fourth Edition)

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Another familiar Christmas tradition that has endured is the Christmas card which people still send to each other during the holiday season. Though not to the same degree they once did like in the Victorian Era which saw the earliest ones. Actually the Victorian Era was a time when Christmas really became a big deal in much of the western world. Now some of these cards might evoke the kind of Christmas ideals you might imagine in a Dickens novel. But some of these seem to defy all explanation. Others will totally creep you out. Whereas many will embody both characteristics. Then there are some from the early 1900s that don’t do much better. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage Christmas cards your great grandparents didn’t want you to see.

  1. These cat musicians bring you tidings of good cheer.

Though to be honest, would you really want to listen to cats sing? Didn’t think so.

2. Christmas is the time of year to call your wife a prize package.

Though calling one’s wife a “prize package” seems kind of sexist. Well, as far as this card is concerned.

3. Santa wishes you a Merry Christmas by jet.

Okay, this is from a Soviet card. But still, this makes Santa look rather Godzilla sized. Guess reindeer magic can only go so far.

4. “Hurrah for Jolly Christmas, with all sorts of toys!”

However, I wouldn’t say the same for the goose. Since it’s being chased by a bunch of kids. One of whom wields a knife.

5. While ice skating, you’ll find Santa under the mistletoe.

Look, I know what mistletoe means in these vintage things. The answer is “No.”

6. “Care to sit on my lap, sweetie?”

I don’t like where Santa has his finger on this kid. Dear Lord, someone please call the police!

7. Compliments of the season from a monkey painting a dog’s portrait.

Well, at least the dog stands like a statue. However, I don’t see monkeys as having much artistic talent. But you never know.

8. Santa salutes those in space.

Another Soviet Christmas card. Nevertheless, note how the cosmonaut’s riding the rocket.

9. Merry Christmas from the cats on the bed.

And it seems like the dark cat wants to get frisky. But the white cat has other ideas. Also, are undressing?

10. May cycling owls bestow on you warm Christmas greetings.

Why do owls need to be on bikes to deliver stuff? Couldn’t they just fly? The ones on Harry Potter do just that.

11. Best wishes for Christmas from the beach.

Why the hell would you include sea creatures on Christmas cards? Doesn’t really make sense.

12. “A merry Christmas day!/Happy, bright, and gay!/Fortune guard you aye,/Like a brave dog Tray!”

Seems like this dog doesn’t seem too happy. More like disgusted over not getting the best table scraps.

13. Season’s greetings from a dog who likes to stay informed.

Apparently, he’s checking on the racing stats. He reportedly has money on the Fresno Stud.

14. For the best presents, always hang a large stocking at your bed for Santa.

Note that she’s holding a whip just in case Santa doesn’t give her what she wants. Like a doll mansion.

15. “May your Xmas be as bright as purest gold.”

But somehow, you have kangaroos mining and panning for it in Australia. And I’m sure they’re getting paid pennies a day for their troubles.

16. Speaking of kangaroos, some of them possess significant artistic talent.

Also, get a load on those hopping slippers. Still, these two gentlemen animals enjoy their smoking breaks.

17. Apparently, they don’t seem to make Christmas movies like they used to.

And you thought movies inspired trauma and nightmares now. Here we have a guy with a knife chasing a goose. Evidently it’s fun for the whole family.

18. Nothing says, “Merry Christmas, sweetheart,” like a dead messenger moth.

Okay, the inscription is quite unsettling since it involves a moth being a go-between and dying of exhaustion. How is that supposed to be merry, I have no idea.

19. “Every good wish for your Christmas” from frogs in boots with umbrellas.

Sure those frogs seem like they’re about to enter a line of fire. But the umbrellas kill the badass pose from there.

20. Flower children wish you a happy Christmas.

By “flower children” we mean flowers with kids’ heads on them. You know what nightmares are made of.

21. “Wishing you a merry Christmas” from two insect musicians.

Something tells me that the bee and the grasshopper will never be seen again after this. Because the bird will most definitely eat them.

22. Even Satan himself sends his regards on Christmas.

This card basically says, “I’m too broke to give you a present so I’ll send this instead.” Let’s hope this isn’t addressed to a close family member or significant other.

23. “A right merry Christmas for you” from a couple of circus clowns.

Guess this is a scene from the Victorian Era rendition of It. And I guess this is a 19th century Pennywise who’s even scarier.

24. You should always wish everyone a “Merry Christmas” even when being chased by island natives.

Boy, this evokes racist and colonialist stereotypes on all kinds of levels. I’m sure the natives are suggested to be cannibals on here.

25. “With love and good wishes for a happy Christmas,” from a bunch of drenched toys.

Seems like a rather politically incorrect version of Toy Story. And yes, there’s the blackface Golliwog who’s basically a racist caricature.

26. Santa makes a toast for Christmas.

Go home, Santa Claus. You seem like you’ve drunk too much wine. No wonder so many kids get the wrong present.

27. A black cat always looks forward to Christmas pudding.

Comment from Bored Panda reads: “Plot twist: the “beloved” family cat, namely ‘Mr. Bartholemeow Giggly-Bumpkins’, ate the original pudding as the oblivious humans enjoyed their hearty Christmas dinner, and in its place he put a pile of his pudding-excrement-filled cat litter, in order to finally take revenge on the humans for giving him such an atrocious name!”

28. Christmas greetings from the one who can’t get out of their shell.

This seems more appropriate for Easter than Christmas. Wonder if this is the unfortunate lovechild of Humpty Dumpty and Mother Goose.

29. “A jolly Christmas” to those who aren’t having the best of it.

So a kid falls into a frozen lake and is probably suffering from hypothermia. And this is jolly? Also why aren’t the other two kids helping him?

30. “While Christmas is here, be all of good cheer.”

Though I’m not sure how kids can smile while hauling large logs in the snow for the fire. But in Victorian times, child labor was rampant. Poor kids.

31. “Christmas greetings for the sake of Auld Lang Syne.”

For nothing inspires “Peace on Earth” like a Scottish soldier in a kilt uniform wielding a gun attached with a bayonet. Gives you an idea when it was made.

32. Even Santa likes to deck the halls with bows of holly.

Okay, that’s guaranteed to haunt your dreams. Doesn’t help that he’s making a list and checking it twice.

33. Apparently, babies aren’t spared from the Krampus’s wrath.

Those poor little tots. Seems like the Krampus is going to put them to the pitchfork. That’ll sure induce lifelong trauma.

34. Better be good for goodness sake, kids, or else the Krampus will kidnap and torture you.

Yes, kids, if you act like a brat, the Krampus will subject you to this. And no, your screams won’t save you.

35. Nobody is safe when the Krampus visits.

This seems straight from a horror movie. And yes, he’s already got at least one kid. So hide if you can.

36. Merry Christmas from Frosty the Snowman.

Why is Frosty warming himself by the fire? You what that will do to him. I mean fire practically melts him. Seriously, this doesn’t make sense.

37. Apparently, Santa has ditched the sleigh for rocket travel.

And he seems to bring helpers, too. But they seem to resemble garden gnomes.

38. Christmas time is always time for carols.

Though I’d almost think she’s singing to Cats. “Memory, all alone in the moon light…”

39. Rabbits and owls always enjoy playing games on Christmas.

Though if you know anything about nature, you know this won’t end well. Mostly because owls see rabbits as prey.

40. Children always wish good cheer to all on Christmas.

Though the kid is dressed like the Grim Reaper. And it seems more likely to inspire nightmares than good cheer.

41. Pine cone Santa wishes you a merry Christmas.

Yet, he’s putting a nut in his sack. No doubt this was made under the influence of drugs.

42. Nothing says Christmas like clowns terrorizing you at the barbershop.

And you wonder why people are afraid of clowns. These two are just cutting his hair and applying paste to his chin. Innocent fun? Certainly not. This is terrifying.

43. This year, the rats celebrate Christmas feasting on a dead cat.

Think about a Tom and Jerry cartoon straight from a horror movie. Apparently to these guys, Christmas is about taking revenge on one’s enemies.

44. “Merry Christmas to you” from the kid building his fort.”

Sure the cat may look on now. But once the guy’s away, it’ll topple the boy’s creation.

45. Naked man likes to wish you a merry Christmas.

Still, he should at least put something on. After all, we all know most dress codes usually operate on a “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy.

46. Christmas parties are always a fun time.

“Not now, Herman, people will see us. Let’s just wait until they’re dancing and then we’ll do it.”

47. Now your little one can have their own Krampus plush toy.

Because some children want to bask into the dark side of Christmas. Still, this is just messed up.

48. Sometimes on Christmas you may have little Asian people serve you while you’re sleeping.

Talk about depicting racist attitudes under the influence of drugs. Not sure how this card came to exist. Also, what’s with the onion?

49. Santa Claus wishes you a Merry Christmas.

Bet these kids are like, “Please don’t come near us! You’re scaring us!” Talk about a hostage situation.

50. Children are always excited for Christmas coming.

Though seeing them wearing signs with emotionless faces gives me the creeps. Santa better give them presents or there will be hell to pay.

Ghastly Halloween Greetings in the Ghoulish Days of Old (Third Edition)

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Now it’s on to vintage Halloween greeting cards. Whenever I do a post on holiday greeting cards, I usually go for the vintage lot mostly since they have a lot of crazy imagery that don’t hold up in contemporary times. Not to mention, people sent greeting cards to each other way more often than today. Well at least it seems that way. Halloween cards are no exception. Many of these cards use very creepy illustrations sometimes depicting stuff that doesn’t make sense to the modern eye. Sometimes figures aren’t drawn right that they look unintentionally creepy like children. And sometimes the inscription might contain a suggestive message correlating to the image, which I most often see on vintage valentines. Some of these cards could be outright offensive at a demographic stand point. But regardless of what you might see, you’d probably wouldn’t send these cards to a loved one any time soon. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasure trove of vintage Halloween cards time forgot.

  1. A large lit jack-o-lantern sets a black cat’s fur on end.

Though I think the cat’s more freaked out by the kid who’s threatening to whack him with a broomstick. Though that jack-o-lantern is creepy.

2. Nobody’s happier on Halloween than a pumpkin head child with gold teeth.

However, this pumpkin kid has inspired countless nightmares ever since. Seriously, anyone would be freaked out by this.

3. Halloween is always a time of year to casually converse with floating jack-o-lanterns.

Because there’s nothing crazy about talking to floating pumpkins under candle light. Okay, little Jimmy may be a little eccentric. But please understand him.

4. “May you have a jolly Halloween!”

However, neither of these kids holding pumpkins seem jolly. More like the kids who showed up at a Halloween party without a costume.

5. Flying a broom at night is thrilling for this pumpkin head kid.

Not sure what’s creepier. Seeing a crone witch flying on a broom in the sky or this. At least flying witches don’t give you nightmares.

6. If you let the candle drip in the water on Halloween, the face of your soulmate will appear.

Guess this is a superstition but I don’t think love works that way. Also, how is that guy sitting without a chair?

7. Cats and little girls are always Halloween chums.

This girl’s like “I’ll love em’ and squeeze em,’ and keep em’ forever and ever.” Cat makes a face like someone in a hostage situation.

8. “A happy future/I hope you will see/On Hallow’een in a cup of tea.”

Not sure if I can go on with that idea. Still, hope the girl doesn’t look at that fairy. Eeek.

9. Happy Halloween from the living human squash garden.

The fact these have pumpkin and squash heads and human bodies make them terrifying enough. You could almost make a horror movie with these.

10. Pumpkin head scarecrow wishes you a joyous Halloween.

Because he’s the only thing keeping you safe from these freaky children. Their smiles are particularly menacing.

11. Terrifying boy with broomstick wishes you a jolly Halloween.

Looking at that kid’s face makes me feel for the whimpering jack-o-lantern. Hate to think of what that boy will do with that broom.

12. Demons and squash people relish in a Halloween feast.

I don’t know why these squash people exist in these Halloween cards. Yet one really seems to enjoy the chocolate box.

13. “Ho! For a Merry Hallowe’en!”

Seems like the jack-o-lantern wants the kid to climb into his mouth in order to devour him. And the moon’s relishing watching the whole thing. Maybe Linus should be glad the Great Pumpkin never came to his neck of the woods.

14. You can’t have a Halloween party without inviting a small moon man.

I’ve heard of the man in the moon. But I had no idea that he had a human body and wears a suit. Still, seems to like tall girls fro some reason.

15. “Pumpkin head I would like to be/If in your arms you would take me.”

Look, I know this is supposed to be a card someone sent to their sweetheart. But the terrifying pumpkins in the background just freak me out.

16. Stay safe on Halloween and watch out for flying jack-o-lanterns.

And you thought the wolf was bad enough for Little Red Riding Hood. Run for your life from those pumpkins! For they will only bring you death.

17. Apparently, nobody wants a visit from the jack-o-lantern ghost.

Still, I’m not sure if the jack-o-lantern is really a head. Or if it’s just on top on its head. Maybe I don’t want to know.

18. Witches on broomsticks always fly by night.

Yet, the man in the moon always likes to gaze at the young witch’s best attributes. Which makes the cats terrified and brings scorn from the owl.

19. Happy Halloween from the hulking depressed ghost.

Guess someone’s not in a scary mood this Halloween night. Not sure what the witch and small scarecrow think otherwise.

20. Bobbing for apples is always Halloween fun.

However, a white girl dressed as an Indian falls under cultural appropriation. Not exactly offensive like the Cleveland Indians logo but still.

21. Children always look forward to Halloween night.

Yet, black cats seem to be afraid of everything. This one absolutely dreads a small child’s embrace and for good reason.

22. “On All-hallows Eve,/When the hour is late,/Pull a root from the garden/And meet your fate.”

Yet, a root with a face and appendages just defies all concepts of biology. Also, what’s this about pulling up root veggies for Halloween?

23. May you see your dream boat in your mirror on Halloween, thanks to witch coming from a pumpkin.

She’s probably freaked out by the witch coming from the pumpkin. Though she might want to look at her ginger dream guy in the mirror. Yet, she’s not paying attention.

24. There’s nothing more fun on Halloween than stealing the occasional jack-o-lantern.

And those trick or treaters should be lucky that the policeman chasing them doesn’t have a gun. Though the ghost kid looks straight out of a horror movie.

25. Halloween greetings from a little red hatted witch.

However, as she sorts her mail, she devises her own little evil plan. So if you see her, you might want to run away from her like hell.

26. Sometimes even witches wouldn’t want to go near a pumpkin headed scarecrow.

Though this guy doesn’t seem able to go anywhere so he might want some companionship. Then again, we’ve probably heard all about Donald Trump’s sexual assault allegations. So I wouldn’t blame the witch here.

27. Everyone always wants to take part in a Halloween parade.

However, you wouldn’t want to take part in this procession. And the fact the pumpkin lanterns also seem to enjoy it only inspires more nightmares. Seriously, why?

28. “At twelve o’clock you must be ready,/And hold your pumpkin good and steady/For by its rays of candle light/On Halloween all things are bright!”

However, the moon behind this witch seems to give her a massive pervo stare. Wonder why she doesn’t feel uncomfortable here.

29. Halloween night might startle you with an occasional fright once in awhile.

I’m sure the cat’s freaked out by the sight of the squash people. Because these squash people are the stuff of nightmares.

30. “The time has come/For the witches’ dance,/And the spooks from far and near/Will gather and make merry/For Halloween is here.”

Though being stared down by a giant jack-o-lantern cannot be a pleasant experience. The green goblins look kind of freaky, too.

31. Remember if you go out alone on Halloween night, you’ll be in for a fright.

Yet, that couple might not want to mind the terrifying jack-o-lantern in the window. Kind of seems evil for some reason.

32. Squash people can’t resist a piece of cake.

Though they sure look terrifying eating it. Still, I swear these guys were a product of some 19th century drug trip.

33. On Halloween night, don’t miss the charms of the witching hour.

Yet, that laughing pumpkin moon just gives me the creeps. And I think the white cat agrees with me.

34. Nothing beats trick or treating on Halloween.

Not sure if this kid’s even wearing costume. Then again, he probably doesn’t need one since he looks pretty terrifying already.

35. A witch’s cauldron should always bring all the spirits in  view.

Yes, those faces will give you nightmares. But what’s with that masked person?

36. “Could I borrow a witch’s flying machine/I’d visit you on Hallow’een.”

Yet, this witch doesn’t seem to fly her broom right. Apparently, the broom part is supposed to be down.

37. Apparently, nobody wants to see flying jack-o-lanterns on a cow.

Well, if I were that woman, I’d be flipping out in fright, too. Those jack-o-lantern smiles are just terrifying.

38. Seems like this black cat really doesn’t like what’s coming out of that cauldron.

Then again, it’s not like I’d blame the cat for anything. Because I thought those cauldrons were just for magic potions.

39. If you want to know your fortune, pull out a beet from your garden at midnight.

Still, the gnome fairy is just incredibly freaky looking. Also, going out in your garden for a beet to read your future? What the hell?

40. No feat is greater on Halloween than carving a giant pumpkin in the patch.

Now we know where the Great Pumpkin came from. Still, can’t really see a kid doing this. Also, you don’t see a lot of stuff lying around. I mean don’t you have to shell out the contents first?

41. If you look in the mirror on Halloween, the fiend will show you the person you marry.

Though I wouldn’t want to look at the white fiend behind if I were him. Also, I don’t think he’s pleased with what he’s seeing.

42. Beware what you find in that old grandfather clock.

Seems like the cat looked and its fur already stands on end. Still, bound to give you nightmares.

43. Keep an eye out for ghosts on Halloween night.

And yes, the ghosts seem like they’re straight out of some horror film. One of them is about to reach for that woman’s shoulder. Freaky.

44. You can always make merry on the drum on Halloween night.

However, the drum doesn’t seem to look happy at all. Also, the cats are parading around mice, which they eat.

45. You never know what you’ll run into on Halloween night.

Or who will be coming home with brown on the seat of their pants. Though seeing a ghostly figure in the woods will freak out just about anyone.

46. There’s nothing scarier than being chased by a jack-o-lantern on legs.

Yes, you’d probably run away from that, too. But the kids seem substantially creepier to me, especially the one getting trampled.

47. Bobbing for apples is always a wholesome Halloween activity.

Though this guy’s wondering which of the twins he wants to make out with. Or he just wants to gape at one of the girl’s drenched pink dress.

48. Happy Halloween, courtesy of Nightmare man.

Surely wouldn’t want to see that guy riding on a broomstick upside down. Yet, the woman with the jack-o-lantern doesn’t seem to mind.

49. May cats in jack-o-lantern hot air balloons bring you Halloween joys.

Even the owl can’t believe what it’s witnessing at the moment. Yes, that’s probably inspired by some drug trip.

50. As you know, jack-o-lanterns can come in so many faces.

Yet, each one of these pumpkins is rather eerie in its own way. Particularly if they have teeth.

Easter Greetings from the Days of Yesteryear (Third Edition)

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Now that I have peep dioramas down, it’s onto vintage Easter greeting cards. Now the card above is from Russia depicting a bus or carriage filled with spring flowers. Nevertheless, it’s a beautiful card. Anyway, greeting cards have always been a staple of holidays, especially during the olden days. And Easter is no exception. As I said before in my greeting card posts, we tend to view a lot of the past with rose colored glasses as well as imagine it as a more wholesome and refined time than it actually was. With Easter greeting cards, vintage ones might include cutesy imagery to melt your heart or beautiful illustrations like you see above. However, like my other greeting card posts, if you want the sweet vintage Easter cards with cute little bunnies, chicks, lambs, and any other animals all living in harmony, well, you’ve come to the wrong place. Because the Easter greeting cards I show here will either creep you out or have you scratching your head. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another collection of Easter cards your grandparents don’t want you to see.

  1. “So how much will it be for the yellow egg, ma’am?”

Notice the hen selling eggs. Remember that chickens lay them and hatch from them. So she’s most likely selling her own children, assuming they’re fertilized.

2. In Russia, it’s a tradition for children to kiss each other on the lips during the Easter season.

Uh, aren’t they’re a bit young for that? Then again, Russia has always been a miserable place.

3. “Now when these girls approach us, we throw these eggs right at them.”

Seems likes the last time these women will wear their spring dresses for a long time. So remember to watch out for egg wielding rabbits while outside.

4. On second thought, Tommy should’ve used plush rabbits for his Easter basket instead.

Using live bunnies for Easter baskets are never a good idea. Also, these bunnies are like, “We’re free! We’re free! Let’s get out of here before they kill us.”

5. On Easter, it’s well-known for chicks to compete in rowing contests.

Though I’m not sure about the water content here. Looks really brown. Also, what the hell?

6. Spring always marks the time for chicks to come out of their eggshells.

Okay, not those chicks. Even the feathery chickies are like, “What the fuck?” Seeing it’s from France, I guess absinthe had something to do with this design.

7. Apparently, these children decided to see chicks hatching a the wrong henhouse.

Then again, if I were the rooster, I’d charge at the boy, too. Because he seems to have a future as a budding serial killer.

8. You can’t have some Easter greetings without some circus dogs.

And I’m not kidding. But you have to be impressed by how Rover juggles eggs. Amazing.

9. There’s nothing more delightful on Easter than a jack-in-the-box bunny.

On second thought, that thing is absolutely terrifying. From how I see it, the chicks don’t have long to live.

10. Nothing melts your heart like seeing a child snuggling with a bunny and holding chicks.

Or as I see it the child’s like, “I’ll hug ’em, and squeeze ’em, and keep ’em forever and ever.” The bunny on the other hand, is thinking, “Oh, God help me!”

11. Easter greetings from the garden gnomes riding chickens.

And it seems like they don’t treat the chickens very well. Because they don’t seem very happy.

12. I guess this family comes hardboiled.

For God’s sake, egg people? Now that’s just really fucked up if you asked me. Seriously, why?

13. All happiness for Easter from the chicks in in the car.

Apparently, there’s that one chick who’s not enjoying the ride. Then again, having to sit on the floor isn’t much fun either.

14. Instead of the Chicken dance, chicks prefer the congo line.

Why the kids form an arch as the chicks come in, I have no idea. Nor do the chicks, apparently.

15. For an injured chick, a Jewish egg bar is always the place to go.

This just looks so wrong on so many levels. Seriously, a Jewish egg bar? Come on.

16. Nothing says best wishes on Easter like rooster riding bunnies about to slaughter each other on the battlefield.

I guess this goes along the lines of “With best Easter wishes that you may die an honorable death in battle.” Because these bunnies are at all out war for God’s sake.

17. Perhaps a romantic bunny dinner can’t be without some flowers from a chick.

However, I think Peter Cottontail just wants to have sex with Flopsy and not much else. And I think Flopsy is thinking about getting the hell out and dodge.

18. “Hey, a bunny walking chicks on a leash.”

The rabbit is like, “Listen, sweetie. Pretend this never happened.” Also, what’s with the Easter eggs growing on trees?

19. For rabbits, there’s nothing like a nice quiet morning with the family.

Except with Mopsy and Cottontail fighting each other the carrot and lettuce. Meanwhile, everyone else pretends not to notice.

20. “Look, everyone, no hands.”

Meanwhile, Hutch’s friends are taking bets on when the egg basket will fall on his head. And they’re watching because they think it’d be hilarious. Hutch is such a show-off.

21. Here we come to a little chick enjoying an egg.

Hate to say this but, that ain’t right. I mean isn’t a chick eating from an egg cannibalism? Disturbing.

22. “Back off, girl, can’t you see I’m closed? Come back later.”

Sorry, but I don’t think the Easter Bunny is in the best mood right now. So if you need eggs, too bad.

23. As an adult Peter Rabbit and his buddies would steal objects from Mr. McGregor’s house and form a band.

They were known as the Jack Rabbits and would revolutionize stomp music forever. Not sure why they have eggs though.

24. Nothing brings a happy Easter like a bunny and chick near an egg.

From Popthomology: “Insane Albino Bunny Lord demands more and more from Slave Chick.” So if Slave Chick brings more clover, will he get his unborn sibling back?

25. There’s nothing more thrilling than a chick bicycle race.

Kind of impressed how their feet can meet the pedals. However, they’re not wearing helmets.

26. If chick bike races aren’t your thing, then you might like a rabbit back race.

So there are chick jockeys riding on rabbits like they’re horses. And I thought the chick bike race was crazy. This is unbelievable.

27. A rooster is always a distinguished gentleman.

Though why it has people hands just freaks me out. Just doesn’t look right on him. Also, why is he using an egg like an accessory?

28. “Happy Easter from our henhouse to yours.”

Okay, this is just even freakier. Why the hell does this chicken family have human faces? That’s just really fucked up.

29. Of course, you can always send a religious Easter card. Usually nothing goes wrong there.

Since Jesus resurrected from the dead on Easter, a child now breaks from an egg and rains Easter eggs for all the children. Okay, that’s just wrong.

30. Easter is always a time of family togetherness.

“I’m sorry, kids, but Daddy’s never coming home for Easter since he stepped on a mine in No Man’s Land. But I’m sure he’s here in spirit watching over us. We just won’t see him.”

31. It’s always a thrill to see a chick and rabbit dance.

Yes, I know it’s kind of strange to see rabbits and chicks dancing with each other. The chick band doesn’t seem impressed.

32. Benjamin Bunny always carries a slate board and pussy willows.

How he manages to draw anything, I have absolutely no idea. But the stash seems carrot shaped.

33. For a rooster to lay eggs with chickens, he must know how to serenade her.

It helps if the rooster knows a musical instrument like a lute. Because his singing might wake up the neighborhood during the night.

34. These bunnies always know some tricks.

And it seems that the rabbit crowd loves it. Had it be a musician, it might’ve started some unstoppable breeding.

35. A child shall lead some sheep pulling an egg on a chariot.

Nevertheless, there’s something really disturbing about this. It seems that after the egg is at its destination, those lambs are mutton.

36. “Ladies and gentlemen, all aboard on the Easter Express.”

Those eggs look huge for some reason. Also, what’s with the bunnies operating a train?

37. “They’re gaining on us! Load the anti-aircraft egg cannon!”

For nothing says Easter like using colored eggs as ammunition. They’re even used to shoot down enemy airplanes.

38. Easter is always a time for eggs to find love.

Except for that one egg at the receptacle. Let’s hope he doesn’t end up like Humpty Dumpty. Also, why?

39. Seems like Jack Frost messed with the wrong herd of rabbits.

Here they have him on an egg and beaten senseless. Because bunnies show no mercy.

40. Happy Easter, compliments of the eggshell boat races.

Wonder how rabbits manage to fit in them. And why are they using on one oar? Shouldn’t they just have oars you use for kayaks?

41. Bunnies always enjoy a nice quiet tea now and then.

However, even Mopsy wants to know why Randall has to smoke his long pipe at the table. It just look strange like a hookah or something.

42. Even chicks like to take a vacation on the high seas.

Though in this case, the crowd at the dock is waiting for arrival at port. And they’re all carrying egg baskets for some reason.

43. Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Rabbit, it’s a girl.

However, everyone will know she’s adopted since it’s obvious. But I’m sure they’ll treat her like their other children. Though I’m sure they can’t keep track of them all.

44. “How about we go for a swing in an eggshell?”

Susie shouldn’t have taken the eggs with her on her lap. Since they can drop to the rabbit’s dismay.

45. With pussy willows and an eggshell outfit, she is all set for Easter.

A dress would’ve been fine. Wearing an eggshell like that just makes her look stupid. And possibly unable to sit down.

46. The rabbit pulled chick stagecoach has arrived.

Yes, I know it’s crazy using the bunnies as horses. But please, I wasn’t consulted and am just as freaked out as you are.

47. “You know what? Let’s shoot a bunch of eggs in a cannon at once.”

Well, at least they’re not shooting off fireworks. But why are they dressed in skimpy Greek outfits I don’t understand.

48. Unfortunately, Snookums couldn’t resist the temptation.

Let’s hope he escapes this with an injured tail. Because that chicken has a vicious streak a mile wide.

49. Sometimes a rabbit likes to show off in his top hat and tails.

Apparently, the chick maid isn’t impressed by his style. Well, can’t win them all.

50. “As long as we’re on the large egg, the dogs can’t get to us.”

As we all know, dogs kill rabbits. Still, I think these 2 should’ve picked a higher hiding place. Because the dogs can easily get to them.

Vintage Saint Patrick’s Day Greetings of the Emerald Isle

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As you probably know by now, people have always been sending greeting cards to each other during certain holidays. And Saint Patrick’s Day was no exception to that, especially in the days before the Internet. We should also note that in the olden days, the 19th century was a very terrible time in Ireland that a series of unfortunate events, most notably the Irish Potato Famine of the 1840s prompted a mass diaspora from there to other parts of the world such as the United States. But they also found new homes in other places like the United Kingdom, Australia, New Zealand, and even Latin America. And it’s because so many Irish immigrants came to these parts of the world that Saint Patrick’s Day is such a widely celebrated holiday. This is particularly the case in the 19th century when so many Irish Americans were either immigrants or related to one where we first see many of these celebrations get started like the Saint Patrick’s Day parades in places like Boston, New York, and Pittsburgh. So it’s not unusual to see Saint Patrick’s Day greeting cards around either. And though I could go all I want about these lovely works of Hallmark art, I understand you’d probably be bored to tears. So instead, I’ll stick to the ones that might make people scratch their heads. We should also note that the 19th century was a time when offensive Irish stereotypes proliferated which have now manifested in modern depictions on leprechauns to much Irish disdain. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of Saint Patrick’s Day cards from the days of old.

  1. “God bless dear/old Ireland our home/And all her Sons/Where’er they roam.”
For some reason this kid has the disposition of a future serial killer. There is now soul within those Irish eyes.

For some reason this kid has the disposition of a future serial killer. There is now soul within those Irish eyes.

2. “See my flag and see my hat./Sure you’re right! My name is Pat.”

Another soulless Irish lad. Seems like he's using his superficial innocence to play you for a fool before stabbing you in the back. Don't be taken in.

Another soulless Irish lad. Seems like he’s using his superficial innocence to play you for a fool before stabbing you in the back. Don’t be taken in.

3. Even Santa Claus has a bit of Irish in him.

How can Saint Nick be Irish, I have no idea. But I don't think dressing up as a leprechaun will endear him to the good Irish boys and girls.

How can Saint Nick be Irish, I have no idea. But I don’t think dressing up as a leprechaun will endear him to the good Irish boys and girls.

4. A Saint Patrick’s Day greeting and wait a minute, that doesn’t look like an Irish flag.

Okay, I had to look this flag up on Google. According to a historical flag site, it's the Saint Patrick's Cross flag used by the Irish National Corporate Party of the 1930s known as the "Greenshirts." And it was an openly fascist organization. So though it's seen as a traditional Irish flag before then, it hasn't been used in Ireland since.

Okay, I had to look this flag up on Google. According to a historical flag site, it’s the Saint Patrick’s Cross flag which was allegedly used by the Irish National Corporate Party of the 1930s known as the “Greenshirts.” And it was an openly fascist organization. So though it’s seen as a traditional Irish flag before then, it hasn’t been used in Ireland since.

5. May luck bestow blessings upon you the way leprechauns shower shamrocks from blimps.

Yes, I know it looks ridiculous. But blimps have appeared on a variety of greeting cards during this period. Not sure why.

Yes, I know it looks ridiculous. But blimps have appeared on a variety of greeting cards during this period. Not sure why.

6. Nothing brings in the spirit of Saint Patrick’s Day like an Irish lass riding a white pipe.

And she's riding it like a horse as if she's in someone's drug induced pipe dream. I'm sure someone was high off some opium binge to come up with this idea.

And she’s riding it like a horse as if she’s in someone’s drug induced pipe dream. I’m sure someone was high off some opium binge to come up with this idea.

7. Happy Saint Patrick’s Day from high up in the shamrock plane.

Not sure if you can really fly that thing or whether it's safe to stand up in it. In any case, if these two survive a crash, consider them lucky.

Not sure if you can really fly that thing or whether it’s safe to stand up in it. In any case, if these two survive a crash, consider them lucky.

8. “Me Irish eyes are smilin.'”

Hate to say this, but Irish Mr. Potato Head looks so damn creepy. Like he's out to get you during a hangover kind of way.

Hate to say this, but Irish Mr. Potato Head looks so damn creepy. Like he’s out to get you during a hangover kind of way.

9. Saint Patrick’s Day greetings from the nightmarish green woman holding a shamrock wreath.

Sorry, but pale green skin makes her seem like a bride of Dracula than an Irish angel. I'm sure she'll haunt many Irish dreams.

Sorry, but pale green skin makes her seem like a bride of Dracula than an Irish angel. I’m sure she’ll haunt many Irish dreams.

10. On Saint Patrick’s Day, it’s customary to get all shamrocked out.

She even has a shamrock dress on. And a yellow hat with shamrocks on it. I'm sure Lady Gaga would wear the same thing.

She even has a shamrock dress on. And a yellow hat with shamrocks on it. I’m sure Lady Gaga would wear the same thing.

11. An Irishman always likes to see his lass in a shamrock dress.

The fact a lot of women's dresses were shaped like that at the time was coincidental. Though this is kind of ridiculous.

The fact a lot of women’s dresses were shaped like that at the time was coincidental. Though this is kind of ridiculous.

12. These Irish kids would like to bestow a Saint Patrick’s Day greeting.

I'm sure little Patty is giving little Molly some clover because she wants to see her tits and look up her skirt. And Molly knows it.

I’m sure little Patty is giving little Molly some clover because she wants to see her tits and look up her skirt. And Molly knows it.

13. Irish couples always know when to get it on during Saint Patrick’s Day.

However, whether the guy practiced consent is another matter. But she doesn't seem to mind because he's hot.

However, whether the guy practiced consent is another matter. But she doesn’t seem to mind because he’s hot.

14. May Saint Patrick’s Day make you a lucky frog on March 17th.

I have no idea what the frog has to do with Saint Patrick's Day. Is it because it's green. Other than that, not much else.

I have no idea what the frog has to do with Saint Patrick’s Day. Is it because it’s green. Other than that, not much else.

15. Erin Go Bragh for this pair of newlyweds.

Who seem to resemble a couple you'd find in a creepy illustration of some Gothic novel. Though they do seem terrifyingly happy together.

Who seem to resemble a couple you’d find in a creepy illustration of some Gothic novel. Though they do seem terrifyingly happy together.

16. This garden gnome wishes you a lucky Saint Patrick’s Day.

You better because this gnome might want to kill your cat sometime. His eyes only show pure evil.

You better because this gnome might want to kill your cat sometime. His eyes only show pure evil.

17. “St. Patrick’s Day and I wish you luck.”

Now I understand the oversized shamrock. But the small pig? Not so much.

Now I understand the oversized shamrock. But the small pig? Not so much.

18. “Nothing slow for the likes of us.”

So this card implies that the Irish are bad drivers? Seems to be the case.

So this card implies that the Irish are bad drivers? Seems to be the case.

19. “Good luck on Saint Patrick’s Day.”

Let's just say disembodied Cabbage Patch doll heads aren't what you'd want to put on a St. Paddy's Day card. Oh wait, those are potatoes.

Let’s just say disembodied Cabbage Patch doll heads aren’t what you’d want to put on a St. Paddy’s Day card. Oh wait, those are potatoes.

20. Saint Patrick’s Day Greetings from the woman with the giant pipe.

And that pipe is making a smoky haze. But I don't think she's bringing luck but lung cancer. Seriously, what's with the large pipe?

And that pipe is making a smoky haze. But I don’t think she’s bringing luck but lung cancer. Seriously, what’s with the large pipe?

21. “Tis the shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day/ That bring back memories dear and gay.”

Though the kid's expression on his face reads something more sinister. And no, I don't think he's musing about Ireland either.

Though the kid’s expression on his face reads something more sinister. And no, I don’t think he’s musing about Ireland either.

22. Some tourists in Ireland would go to great lengths to kiss the Blarney Stone.

But using a rope harness is kind of ridiculous. Seriously, please don't try this. Ever.

But using a rope harness is kind of ridiculous. Seriously, please don’t try this. Ever.

23. It’s always grand to watch the Saint Patrick’s Day parade.

However, this doesn't change the fact the Irish here are depicted in a very disparaging way. And that there's booze depicted along the border.

However, this doesn’t change the fact the Irish here are depicted in a very disparaging way. And that there’s booze depicted along the border.

24. Saint Patrick’s Day is always a time to celebrate.

Now this couple looks rather cartoonish. Guess card designers of the time couldn't resist putting in Irish stereotypes after all.

Now this couple looks rather cartoonish in caricature. Guess card designers of the time couldn’t resist putting in Irish stereotypes after all.

25. “May the corners of yer mouth never turn down.”

Apparently. people in the 19th century thought old Irish ladies resembled witches who'd own candy houses to lure kids they'd cook for dinner. Seriously, this is in very poor taste if you ask me.

Apparently. people in the 19th century thought old Irish ladies resembled witches who’d own candy houses to lure kids they’d cook for dinner. Seriously, this is in very poor taste if you ask me.

26. “Here’s to the Auld Sod,/An’ shamrock so green,/Th’ land ave Saint Patrick,/Th’ Emerald Queen.”

Hmm...a jolly Irish guy dressed like a leprechaun with a glass of booze. Not something I've seen before (sarcasm).

Hmm…a jolly Irish guy dressed like a leprechaun with a glass of booze. Not something I’ve seen before (sarcasm).

27. How about an old Irish jig?

Is that guy dancing with a club in his hand? If so, is it to clobber any guy who wants to dance with his girlfriend? I need answers.

Is that guy dancing with a club in his hand? If so, is it to clobber any guy who wants to dance with his girlfriend? I need answers.

28. “An may ye always feel as gay as I do on Saint Patrick’s Day.”

In other words, "plastered drunk." Yes, the Irish drunk is on a Saint Patrick's Day card. I believe this card was sent to the Irish in people's lives they hated.

In other words, “plastered drunk.” Yes, the Irish drunk is on a Saint Patrick’s Day card. I believe this card was sent to the Irish in people’s lives they hated.

29. “Never a girl so sweet as an Irish girl.”

And in Ireland, you'll find Irish girls come in 3 different varieties such as blond, brunette, and redhead. As this pipe shamrock smokescreen can show.

And in Ireland, you’ll find Irish girls come in 3 different varieties such as blond, brunette, and redhead. As this pipe shamrock smokescreen can show.

30. Saint Patrick’s Day is always a time of Irish love.

Though I'm not sure whether they're supposed to be dancing or making out. Can go either way.

Though I’m not sure whether they’re supposed to be dancing or making out. Can go either way.

31. Even Cupid would like to get in the Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations.

For the love of God, Cupid, Valentine's Day is over. Seriously, what the hell are you doing on a card for St. Patrick's Day. It's not your holiday.

For the love of God, Cupid, Valentine’s Day is over. Seriously, what the hell are you doing on a card for St. Patrick’s Day. It’s not your holiday.

32. Saint Patrick’s Day is a merry time in dear old Ireland.

Yet, this guy happily wields his club when he's walking his pig. No, I don't think Irishmen are like this.

Yet, this guy happily wields his club when he’s walking his pig. No, I don’t think Irishmen are like this.

33. Irish couples always seem to enjoy a bit of blarney.

However, the guy in this card seems to remind me of a creepy old man for some reason. Not sure why.

However, the guy in this card seems to remind me of a creepy old man for some reason. Not sure why.

34. On Saint Patrick’s Day, Uncle Sam loves to make out with his Irish lass.

Yes, I know this is at a purely symbolic angle. However, Uncle Sam is supposed to look like a skinny old guy. So you get the creepy vibes.

Yes, I know this is at a purely symbolic angle. However, Uncle Sam is supposed to look like a skinny old guy. So you get the creepy vibes.

35. Shamrock head would like to wish you a Saint Patrick’s Day greetings.

But instead of bringing you luck, it'll bring you nightmares. Seriously, why?

But instead of bringing you luck, it’ll bring you nightmares. Seriously, why?

36. Speaking of Uncle Sam, here he enjoys an Irish toast.

I know this is supposed to be a gesture of Irish and American friendship. But the Irish guy is represented by an oversized leprechaun.

I know this is supposed to be a gesture of Irish and American friendship. But the Irish guy is represented by an oversized leprechaun.

37. There’s nothing on Saint Patrick’s Day like a peaceful rowboat ride.

Yet, we find this Irishman in a boat with 2 women which is about to capsize. Wonder what it says about him.

Yet, we find this Irishman in a boat with 2 women which is about to capsize. Wonder what it says about him.

38. Best wishes on Saint Patrick’s Day from the clover kids.

So I bet this card was made possible by acid trips. Not sure how else I can explain it.

So I bet this card was made possible by acid trips. Not sure how else I can explain it.

39. “I’m thinking of Old Erin tonight/Of the dear little cot by the sea/for the shamrock on St. Patrick’s Day/Still bringing back memories to me.”

However, I'm sure the woman is like, "Sorry, but I'm not interested so get your stupid hand off me." Yeah, I don't think she's happy.

However, I’m sure the woman is like, “Sorry, but I’m not interested so get your stupid hand off me.” Yeah, I don’t think she’s happy.

40. Here’s looking at you on Saint Patrick’s Day.

Because nothing says Saint Patrick's Day like a pair of eyes staring at you through a shamrock. Now that's very unsettling.

Because nothing says Saint Patrick’s Day like a pair of eyes staring at you through a shamrock. Now that’s very unsettling.

41. “Here’s to the toast in th’ rosy cup/To Swatehearts far across the sea/Wid wine ave hope/We fill it up/An’ drink to days that yet may be.”

Another depiction of an Irishman drinking. I know it's an offensive stereotype that never seems to die.

Another depiction of an Irishman drinking. I know it’s an offensive stereotype that never seems to die.

42. How about a toast to Ireland on Saint Patrick’s Day?

Yes, it looks like a toast. But we all know what'll happen afterwards.

Yes, it looks like a toast. But we all know what’ll happen afterwards.

43. “Let our hearts be young at the dawning/of Saint Patrick’s Day in the morning.”

The guy in this card isn't drawn very well. Yes, he's supposed to look happy. But his expression is more terrifying. And holding the club doesn't help.

The guy in this card isn’t drawn very well. Yes, he’s supposed to look happy. But his expression is more terrifying. And holding the club doesn’t help.

44. Nothing makes one feel lucky on Saint Patrick’s Day like pilfering a pig.

For some reason, pigs were seen as symbols of luck back in the day. Not sure why.

For some reason, pigs were seen as symbols of luck back in the day. Not sure why.

45. “The sweet little green little shamrock of Ireland.”

Don't look now but I think the man might have eyes on the girl with ill intent. The girl should run away while she still can.

Don’t look now but I think the man might have eyes on the girl with ill intent. The girl should run away while she still can.

46. Saint Patrick’s Day is always marked by the wearing of the green.

And in here even the bird of prey is green. Nevertheless, the woman has a rather oversized head for some reason.

And in here even the bird of prey is green. Nevertheless, the woman has a rather oversized head for some reason.

47. “Saint Patrick was a gentleman.”

For the love of God, this kid looks like a pure monster in a little suit. Avoid him like the plague.

For the love of God, this kid looks like a pure monster in a little suit. Avoid him like the plague.

48. On Saint Patrick’s Day, the whole world looks upon Ireland.

Don't tell me that's a crazed Santa Claus dressed in leprechaun garb. Might need to calm down a bit.

Don’t tell me that’s a crazed Santa Claus dressed in leprechaun garb. Might need to calm down a bit.

49. There’s room for everyone on the Shamrock blimp.

Though why anyone would disregard any notion of safety is a good question. Hope they're lucky to have parachutes.

Though why anyone would disregard any notion of safety is a good question. Hope they’re lucky to have parachutes.

50. You never know what you’d find on Saint Patrick’s Day.

I'm sure that guy is interested in watching the girl beside him peeling potatoes. Then again, he probably has his eyes stuck somewhere else.

I’m sure that guy is interested in watching the girl beside him peeling potatoes. Then again, he probably has his eyes stuck somewhere else.