Monthly Archives: July 2015

Rally Around the Flag – Or Not

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Collection-national-flags

You might remember me talking about the US Flag in my “How to Treat an American Flag” article a I posted earlier this year. Or you might’ve read my longer and more serious article of why the Confederate Flag should be removed as well as debunked the most common claims of keeping it around. However, this is a post about flags, because after all they’re quite important emblems of certain groups and entities whether they be countries, states, provinces, cities, or what not. Thus, in many ways they tend to be symbols. A well designed flag will inspire pride than one made otherwise. There’s also a study of flag design called Vexillology and people in this field believe that a well-designed flag should fit these criteria (from the Portland Flag Association).

  1. Keep It Simple. The flag should be so simple that a child can draw it from memory…
  2. Use Meaningful Symbolism. The flag’s images, colors, or patterns should relate to what it symbolizes…
  3. Use 2 or 3 Basic Colors. Limit the number of colors on the flag to three which contrast well and come from the standard color set…
  4. No Lettering or Seals. Never use writing on any kind or an organization’s seal…
  5. Be Distinctive or Be Related. Avoid duplicating other flags, but use similarities to show connections…

Now I can go on and on about all the great flags out there. But you’d be bored to tears sh I’ll show you a collection of designs that made people wonder, what the hell they were thinking? Because when you have great flags inspiring patriotism and pride, there are others that lead people to keep them as far away from the public spotlight as possible. So for your reading pleasure, here are some not so great flags from around the world. By the way, if I insult anyone’s flag, I deeply apologize.

1. Venice, Italy

Granted, this was derived from the old flag of the Venice Republic. But still, while the winged lion with a book is actually cool, it's surrounded by too many border designs. Also, on the borders are 7 tiny little flags or coats of arms. I can't tell. I'd more or less expect such design to be on a box for a D&D game.

Granted, this was derived from the old flag of the Venice Republic. But still, while the winged lion with a book is actually cool, it’s surrounded by too many border designs. Also, on the borders are 7 tiny little flags or coats of arms. I can’t tell. I’d more or less expect such design to be on a box for a D&D game.

2. Chimbu, Papua New Guinea

Now I think the stars and the bird are fine. But with the crossed branches over a circle? I think the province is kind of overdoing it. A plain green sash would've been fine. Really.

Now I think the stars and the bird are fine. But with the crossed branches over a circle? I think the province is kind of overdoing it. A plain green sash would’ve been fine. Really.

3. Saint-Pierre and Miquelon, Canada

This is a tiny island territory off the coast of Newfoundland. The three flags on the left are supposed to represent the Basques, Bretons, and Normans. However, the boat seems to be drawn straight from a Saturday morning cartoon. Or an educational cartoon about Christopher Columbus from the 1970s.

This is a tiny island territory off the coast of Newfoundland. The three flags on the left are supposed to represent the Basques, Bretons, and Normans. However, the boat seems to be drawn straight from a Saturday morning cartoon. Or an educational cartoon about Christopher Columbus from the 1970s.

4. Louisiana, United States

For one, the comma is missing between,

For one, the comma is missing between, “union and “justice.” However, while the image appears initially wholesome of a mother pelican feeding her babies, it gets quite disturbing when you realize that she’s feeding them with her own blood. Yikes! Seriously, what’s the matter with you, Louisiana? And those drops of blood were only added in 2006. Really.

5. Ishikawa, Japan

Apparently, Japanese Kanji doesn't translate well into certain fonts. From looking at this, Americans might get the impression that Ishikawa is an obscure Japanese auto corporation instead of a civic entity that it really is.

Apparently, Japanese Kanji doesn’t translate well into certain fonts. From looking at this, Americans might get the impression that Ishikawa is an obscure Japanese auto corporation instead of a civic entity that it really is.

6. Nunatsiavut, Labrador, Canada

Now this is for a homeland in northern Labrador in Canada. The symbol is supposed to be derived in Inukshuk origin. However, to many it resembles an abstract art rendition of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. Must give a lot of Inuk children nightmares.

Now this is for a homeland in northern Labrador in Canada. The symbol is supposed to be derived in Inukshuk origin. However, to many it resembles an abstract art rendition of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. Must give a lot of Inuk children nightmares.

7. Glarus, Switzerland

Now this consists of a frowning monk with a halo, a staff resembling an antenna, and a book all in yellow. Guess this guy's frowning due to his inability to bring the word of God to the extraterrestrials.

Now this consists of a frowning monk with a halo, a staff resembling an antenna, and a book all in yellow. Guess this guy’s frowning due to his inability to bring the word of God to the extraterrestrials.

8. Marijampole, Lithuania

I know the guy is supposed to be sowing seeds, but I can't help but look at this and get the impression of the Quaker Oats guy throwing out Rice Krispies. Also, the border does little to give this flag any dignity whatsoever.

I know the guy is supposed to be sowing seeds, but I can’t help but look at this and get the impression of the Quaker Oats guy throwing out Rice Krispies. Also, the border does little to give this flag any dignity whatsoever.

9. Connacht, Ireland

Guess the inspiration for this one was a major disagreement between whether the a black eagle or an arm with sword would be more badass. The factions settled on a compromise and got this. Yeah, should've went with one or the other.

Guess the inspiration for this one was a major disagreement between whether the a black eagle or an arm with sword would be more badass. The factions settled on a compromise and got this. Yeah, should’ve went with one or the other.

10. Buddhism

For one, Buddhism has a flag? Secondly, this resembles a TV test pattern that's usually accompanied by a high pitched beep at 4 a.m. But I'm sure the designer didn't know that.

For one, Buddhism has a flag? Secondly, this resembles a TV test pattern that’s usually accompanied by a high pitched beep at 4 a.m. But I’m sure the designer didn’t know that.

11. Benin Empire

Now this was the flag for the Pre-Colonial Benin Empire situated in modern Nigeria which lasted from 1440-1897. From looking at this flag I guess their motto was,

Now this was the flag for the Pre-Colonial Benin Empire situated in modern Nigeria which lasted from 1440-1897. From looking at this flag I guess their motto was, “Get in my personal space and I’ll cut your bloody head off!” Yeah, decapitation is just a wonderful flag motif.

12. Guam, United States

Think of it as a cross between a cheap souvenir T-shirt from the Bahamas and a Georgia O'Keefe painting. Now imagine if such combination was drawn by a third grader. Sorry, Guam, but your flag is just ugly.

Think of it as a cross between a cheap souvenir T-shirt from the Bahamas and a Georgia O’Keefe painting. Now imagine if such combination was drawn by a third grader. Sorry, Guam, but your flag is just ugly.

13. Fryslan, the Netherlands

For some reason, I can't help looking at this flag and imagine it being a pattern on somebody's underwear. I just don't know why.

For some reason, I can’t help looking at this flag and imagine it being a pattern on somebody’s underwear. I just don’t know why.

14. Isle of Man, Great Britain

It's said that the three-legged triskelion was a symbol in Mycenae and Lycia back in Ancient Greece. However, I think it's rather creepy as hell if you ask me. Three detached legs with no body doesn't look right to me for some reason.

It’s said that the three-legged triskelion was a symbol in Mycenae and Lycia back in Ancient Greece. However, I think it’s rather creepy as hell if you ask me. Three detached legs with no body doesn’t look right to me for some reason.

15. Antwerp, Belgium

Either this is a closeup image from MS Paint or a NASCAR flag on acid. Any way you put it, it's quite horrendous if you get my drift.

Either this is a closeup image from MS Paint or a NASCAR flag on acid. Any way you put it, it’s quite horrendous if you get my drift.

16. Mozambique

Now the hoe and the book convey the best interests Mozambique wants for its people. But an AK-47? Could you imagine anything worse than that on a flag for an African nation? Seriously, why?

Now the hoe and the book convey the best interests Mozambique wants for its people. But an AK-47? Could you imagine anything worse than that on a flag for an African nation? Seriously, why?

17. Swaziland

While the colors schemes are fine, I'm not sure about the weapons. Yes, shields and spears are part of that country's traditional African culture, but still. Having weapons on your flag kind of sends the wrong message. And given the highly negative stereotypes about Africa, Swaziland ought to know better.

While the colors schemes are fine, I’m not sure about the weapons. Yes, shields and spears are part of that country’s traditional African culture, but still. Having weapons on your flag kind of sends the wrong message. And given the highly negative stereotypes about Africa, Swaziland ought to know better.

18. Northern Marianas Islands, United States

Well, there's at least someone in the Northern Marianas Island who knows how to use a computer. Unfortunately, the inhabitants didn't realize that designing a flag from clip art isn't a great idea.

Well, there’s at least someone in the Northern Marianas Island who knows how to use a computer. Unfortunately, the inhabitants didn’t realize that designing a flag from clip art isn’t a great idea.

19. U. S. Virgin Islands, United States

Now I have to admit, this flag would look great as a design for a license plate. But as an actual flag? Not so much. Also, I'm sure that eagle emblem came straight out of clip art.

Now I have to admit, this flag would look great as a design for a license plate. But as an actual flag? Not so much. Also, I’m sure that eagle emblem came straight out of clip art.

20. Lombardy, Italy

No, this isn't a flag from Comic Con or for a video game competition. It's from a region in Italy that probably invented jacks or the paperweight. If neither, then I'm not sure why they'd design their flag that way.

No, this isn’t a flag from Comic Con or for a video game competition. It’s from a region in Italy that probably invented jacks or the paperweight. If neither, then I’m not sure why they’d design their flag that way.

21. Antarctica

Yes, Antarctica has a flag. It has no inhabitants, no government, and no culture. But it has a flag with its landmass on it. Should've went with a penguin instead.

Yes, Antarctica has a flag. It has no inhabitants, no government, and no culture. But it has a flag with its landmass on it. Should’ve went with a penguin instead.

22. Bermuda

Hmmm....a flag with a picture of a lion holding a picture of a shipwreck mid-plunge. Granted, it was discovered this way by a ship en route to Virginia. Kind of suggests that self-governance isn't Bermuda's strong suit. As for me, Bermuda should've used a flag depicting a pair of Bermuda shorts.

Hmmm….a flag with a picture of a lion holding a picture of a shipwreck mid-plunge. Granted, it was discovered this way by a ship en route to Virginia. Kind of suggests that self-governance isn’t Bermuda’s strong suit. As for me, Bermuda should’ve used a flag depicting a pair of Bermuda shorts.

23. Alo Island, Wallis and Futuna, France

Basically this is for a French territory in the South Pacific. It also commemorates the murder of Catholic missionary Father Chanel who was savagely clubbed and axed to death by natives in the 19th century. To be fair, I can see why the natives didn't care for colonialism and the cultural loss it entails. However, I'm not sure that a savage murder of a priest should really be a historic event a South Pacific island should take pride in. Even if the priest was a complete asshole. Also the style resembles MS Paint.

Basically this is for a French territory in the South Pacific. It also commemorates the murder of Catholic missionary Father Chanel who was savagely clubbed and axed to death by natives in the 19th century. To be fair, I can see why the natives didn’t care for colonialism and the cultural loss it entails. However, I’m not sure that a savage murder of a priest should really be a historic event a South Pacific island should take pride in. Even if the priest was a complete asshole. Also the style resembles MS Paint.

24. Cardiff, Wales, Great Britain

Hmmm....dragon dancing around a leek. Guess the badass dragon flag of Wales was already taken. Still, dragon flag dancing with a flowering wild onion? Is there anything more lame?

Hmmm….dragon dancing around a leek. Guess the badass dragon flag of Wales was already taken. Still, dragon flag dancing with a flowering wild onion? Is there anything more stupid for a flag emblem?

25. Brown County, Nebraska, United States

As Bad Flags would say:

As Bad Flags would say: ” this flag seems to have been designed by a 3rd grader with severe astygmatism using Microsoft Paint circa 1995.” Yeah, I’m sure it has about the kind of artistic merit you’d see in a local commercial.

26. Drnis, Croatia

This flag is supposed to be of the shepherd Saint Roch with a leg wound. Beside him is a dog with a loaf of bread in its mouth. According to legend it's said that Saint Roch cut his leg from a rock so he could feed the dog. But the dog found bread instead. What the significance of that event is to an obscure town in Croatia I'll never know. Also, the guy seems to be licking the staff.

This flag is supposed to be of the shepherd Saint Roch with a leg wound. Beside him is a dog with a loaf of bread in its mouth. According to legend it’s said that Saint Roch cut his leg from a rock so he could feed the dog. But the dog found bread instead. What the significance of that event is to an obscure town in Croatia I’ll never know. Also, the guy seems to be licking the staff.

27. Oceanside, California, United States

Seems more appropriate for a tourist advertisement than a city flag. Seriously, I could easily see it on their brochures, if not T-shirts.

Seems more appropriate for a tourist advertisement than a city flag. Seriously, I could easily see it on their brochures, if not T-shirts.

28. Vina del Mar, Chile

Yes, this is an actual flag. No, it's not a beach towel design. But I suppose this place probably has its flag on souvenir beach towels as well.

Yes, this is an actual flag. No, it’s not a beach towel design. But I suppose this place probably has its flag on souvenir beach towels as well.

29. Rome, Italy

Seems like Rome tends to be in agreement with the Cleveland Browns as far as color schemes go. Still, if you're doing a two color flag, at least pick better colors. And no, brown shouldn't be one of them.

Seems like Rome tends to be in agreement with the Cleveland Browns as far as color schemes go. Still, if you’re doing a two color flag, at least pick better colors. And no, brown shouldn’t be one of them.

30. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States

Now this flag is actually quite decent. However, that doesn't explain the presence of the disembodied arm holding the scales. Seriously, that's fucked up. Yeah, kind of an example in which one weird detail can mess up everything.

Now this flag is actually quite decent. However, that doesn’t explain the presence of the disembodied arm holding the scales. Seriously, that’s fucked up. Yeah, kind of an example in which one weird detail can mess up everything.

31. Provo, Utah, United States

Seem this flag makes Provo look like some obscure corporation that sells camera equipment, vitamins, or chemicals. Fortunately, their city council saw the light and unanimously approved a new design this year.

Seem this flag makes Provo look like some obscure corporation that sells camera equipment, vitamins, or chemicals. Fortunately, their city council saw the light and unanimously approved a new design this year.

32. Siauliai, Lithuania

Now I'm fine with the horned bull an the ferocious bear. But I'm not so sure about the eye pyramid. Might draw in a great many conspiracy theorists, especially those who talk about the Illuminati.

Now I’m fine with the horned bull an the ferocious bear. But I’m not so sure about the eye pyramid. Might draw in a great many conspiracy theorists, especially those who talk about the Illuminati.

33. Belgrade, Serbia

Hate to break it to you, Belgrade. But your flag gives us the impression that your waterways are full of blood. It's kind of terrifying to think about that.

Hate to break it to you, Belgrade. But your flag gives us the impression that your waterways are full of blood. It’s kind of terrifying to think about that.

34. Irkutsk, Russia

Look, Irkutsk, I know that animal predation is a normal part of nature. But that doesn't mean that a predator with an animal carcass in its mouth makes a great flag motif. Seriously, why?

Look, Irkutsk, I know that animal predation is a normal part of nature. But that doesn’t mean that a predator with an animal carcass in its mouth makes a great flag motif. Seriously, why?

35. Ibiza, Spain

Reminds me of a map from a 1990s video game. Particularly one developed with the magic of MS paint.

Reminds me of a map from a 1990s video game. Particularly one developed with the magic of MS paint. Also, the stripes are too much here.

36. Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Seems like Calgary can't seem to tell the difference between what makes an appropriate flag motif and what makes an appropriate sports logo. And when I see this, I think of some college football team in Texas for some reason.

Seems like Calgary can’t seem to tell the difference between what makes an appropriate flag motif and what makes an appropriate sports logo. And when I see this, I think of some college football team in Texas for some reason, not a Canadian city.

37. Mississippi, United States

That banner in the corner is said to represent a time in Mississippi when was the state with the most millionaires (which was around 1860). Of course, anyone familiar with US race relations and history can explain why. It's also used as a symbol for white supremacy through any means necessary, even terrorism or secession from the union just to keep black people in a state of uncompensated involuntary servitude.

That banner in the corner is said to represent a time in Mississippi when was the state with the most millionaires (which was around 1860). Of course, anyone familiar with US race relations and history can explain why. It’s also used as a symbol for white supremacy through any means necessary, even terrorism or secession from the union just to keep black people in a state of uncompensated involuntary servitude.

38. Virginia, United States

Let's see. This flag seems to symbolize Virginia's victory over the Brits in the American Revolution. Of course, I'm not sure why they'd include a woman with an exposed breast killing a crowned guy in a purple outfit. I mean violence and partial nudity aren't stuff you'd want on a flag.

Let’s see. This flag seems to symbolize Virginia’s victory over the Brits in the American Revolution. Of course, I’m not sure why they’d include a woman with an exposed breast killing a crowned guy in a purple outfit. I mean violence and partial nudity aren’t stuff you’d want on a flag.

39. Asku, Kazakhstan

Seems like a more appropriate flag for someone like Jadis, the White Witch or for someone off Game of Thrones. Yeah, that's the most intimidating snowbird I've ever seen.

Seems like a more appropriate flag for someone like Jadis, the White Witch or for someone off Game of Thrones. Yeah, that’s the most intimidating snowbird I’ve ever seen.

40. Hanover Park, Chicago, Illinois, United States

This flag is for a neighborhood in Chicago. From Bad Flags:

This flag is for a neighborhood in Chicago. From Bad Flags: “Hanover Park is home to the world’s strongest man, who can lift a pyramid of eight stick figures above his head.” Also, the logo looks as if it was taken straight out of non-profit organization designed to reach out to economically disadvantaged kids.

41. Herimoncourt, Doubs, Franche-Comte, France

So I guess the badass bat logo was already taken by Batman, no less. Still, the place should've used a better font than Times New Roman. Seriously, a creepier font might do a better job attracting tourists.

So I guess the badass bat logo was already taken by Batman, no less. Still, the place should’ve used a better font than Times New Roman. Seriously, a creepier font might do a better job attracting tourists.

42. Hezbollah

If I was a member of this Shitte paramilitary organization in Lebanon, I'd be embarrassed to have a flag like this. Now I can understand the hand holding an AK-47. But I don't think what's left of the arm resembles anything of a minaret or a rocket to me. To be discreet here, you might want to call a focus group.

If I was a member of this Shitte paramilitary organization in Lebanon, I’d be embarrassed to have a flag like this. Now I can understand the hand holding an AK-47. But I don’t think what’s left of the arm resembles anything of a minaret or a rocket to me. To be discreet here, you might want to call a focus group.

43. Greene County, Ohio, United States

“Dammit, Orville, watch out for that clock tower.” Seriously, this flag looks like it was designed from the computer program my mom uses to make birthday cards. That clock tower is totally clip art for sure.

44. Greene County, Virginia, United States

I swear this flag's insignia was probably designed by the same person who did the Mr. Yuck sticker. Well, at least the border anyway. Still, it was probably designed on the back of a cocktail napkin anyway.

I swear this flag’s insignia was probably designed by the same person who did the Mr. Yuck sticker. Well, at least the border anyway. Still, it was probably designed on the back of a cocktail napkin anyway.

45. Irribarren, Venezuela

There's a better way to mix royalty, grayscale, caution symbols, and shark attacks. But this isn't it. Not sure what's that thing in the bottom middle. Wonder who could design a mess like this?

There’s a better way to mix royalty, grayscale, caution symbols, and shark attacks. But this isn’t it. Not sure what’s that thing in the bottom middle. Wonder who could design a mess like this?

46. Yap, Micronesia

That's supposed to resemble a canoe with a sail unfurled, carrying a large Rai. However, to me it looks like a circle with a jet pilot helmet they use in the military.

That’s supposed to resemble a canoe with a sail unfurled, carrying a large Rai. However, to me it looks like a circle with a jet pilot helmet they use in the military.

47. Jainism

Now Jainism is an ancient religion in India which has its own monks, teachers, scriptures, and souls. However, while the color scheme and some of the symbols are nice, there's just one little point of contention. Let's just say two decades of putzes wearing armbands in Germany can taint this flag's 1,000 year legacy forever. Sorry that Nazism and WWII have to ruin everything for you, Jains.

Now Jainism is an ancient religion in India which has its own monks, teachers, scriptures, and souls. However, while the color scheme and some of the symbols are nice, there’s just one little point of contention. Let’s just say two decades of putzes wearing armbands in Germany can taint this flag’s 1,000 year legacy forever. Sorry that Nazism and WWII have to ruin everything for you, Jains.

48. Baie-James, Quebec, Canada

Since when does a city in Canada think that having Hedwig electrocuted would make a great design for a flag? Really, that just makes Harry Potter cry. Also, the set up looks like it's straight from a tourist ad or brochure.

Since when does a city in Canada think that having Hedwig electrocuted would make a great design for a flag? Really, that just makes Harry Potter cry. Also, the set up looks like it’s straight from a tourist ad or brochure.

49. Kvalsund, Norway

Seems like the fish up there are very into 3 way make out sessions. Still, who would've thought that Norwegians were tri-sexual pescatarians? Yeah, that's pretty messed up.

Seems like the fish up there are very into 3 way make out sessions. Still, who would’ve thought that Norwegians were tri-sexual pescatarians? Yeah, that’s pretty messed up.

50. Kyrgyzstan

Seems the national symbol for this country is a radiating tennis ball. Oh, it's said to represent a yurt. Doesn't look like one to me.

Seems the national symbol for this country is a giant flaming tennis ball in the sky. Oh, it’s said to represent a yurt. Doesn’t look like one to me. More like an appropriate logo for Serena Williams.

51. Libya (1977-2011)

I'm sure the government of Libya wanted something fancier. But Muammar Ghadafi insisted that the country's flag match his palace drapes. Seriously, Libya has an amazing history and all they could come up with was a green sheet! Oh, wait, I've heard they might've changed it a few years ago.

I’m sure the government of Libya wanted something fancier. But Moamar Gaddafi insisted that the country’s flag match his palace drapes. Seriously, Libya has an amazing history and all they could come up with was a green sheet! Oh, wait, I’ve heard they might’ve changed it a few years ago.

52. Jekabpils, Latvia

Wonder what that lynx is doing under this tree. Probably going about its business. By the way, do they even have lynxes in Latvia? I think they do. But I've always seen them as a primarily North American feline though.

Wonder what that lynx is doing under this tree. Probably going about its business. By the way, do they even have lynxes in Latvia? I think they do. But I’ve always seen them as a primarily North American feline though.

53. Masoy, Finmark, Norway

I understand the hammer and sickle were already taken. But seriously, a halapik? As Bad Flags says: " It’s an ingenious creation meant to bring total destruction to the wicked baby seal at the business end. As both a bludgenoning tool to smash the seal’s sull and and hacking tool, to drag away the freshly killed cottony soft carcass, you kill two birds (or one innocent infant seal) with one blow." Seriously, a baby seal bludgeoning and ripping tool. Real nice. Maybe they should redesign it with something less medieval and less controversial. Let's not glorify baby seal killing shall we?

I understand the hammer and sickle were already taken. But seriously, a halapik? As Bad Flags says: ” It’s an ingenious creation meant to bring total destruction to the wicked baby seal at the business end. As both a bludgenoning tool to smash the seal’s sull and and hacking tool, to drag away the freshly killed cottony soft carcass, you kill two birds (or one innocent infant seal) with one blow.” Seriously, a baby seal bludgeoning and ripping tool. Real nice. Maybe they should redesign it with something less medieval weaponish and less controversial. Let’s not glorify baby seal killing shall we?

54. Matruh, Egypt

It's supposed to be a goat, which might be cool to some. But I'm not sure it's a flag worthy creature. Also, seems to be running way from a yellow brick wall.

It’s supposed to be a goat, which might be cool to some. But I’m not sure it’s a flag worthy creature. Also, seems to be running way from a yellow brick wall.

55. Mauensee, Lucerne, Switzerland

Now I've heard of flying fish. But I'm kind of sure they don't have feathers. Is it supposed to be an angel fish? If not, then why the hell does this fish have feathered wings?

Now I’ve heard of flying fish. But I’m kind of sure they don’t have feathers. Is it supposed to be an angel fish? If not, then why the hell does this fish have feathered wings?

56. Mont-Laureir, Quebec, Canada

Hate to say this but this looks more like a logo for a 1980s computer company nobody has heard about since. Seriously, I think I saw such similar imagery on hospital buildings or corporate headquarters.

Hate to say this but this looks more like a logo for a 1980s computer company nobody has heard about since. Seriously, I think I saw such similar imagery on hospital buildings or corporate headquarters.

57. Penza Oblast, Russia

Seems like this obscure area in Russia seems to be a fan of resting bitchface Jesus about to overturn changing tables in the Temple of Jerusalem. Not a great example of Russian Orthodox iconography.

Seems like this obscure area in Russia seems to be a fan of resting bitchface Jesus about to overturn changing tables in the Temple of Jerusalem. Not a great example of Russian Orthodox iconography.

58. Inglewood, California, United States

Now this centennial flag doesn't really resemble something you'd fly at city hall. Rather, it resembles some agricultural company logo celebrating its anniversary. Seriously, photoshop? Why?

Now this centennial flag doesn’t really resemble something you’d fly at city hall. Rather, it resembles some agricultural company logo celebrating its anniversary. Seriously, photoshop? Why?

59. Poperinge, Belgium

I guess this place is really into artichokes. Or are those hops or Brussels sprouts? Perhaps they're turtles or cockroaches. Wouldn't see why any place would want to put such designs on its flag.

I guess this place is really into artichokes. Or are those hops or Brussels sprouts? Perhaps they’re turtles or cockroaches. Wouldn’t see why any place would want to put such designs on its flag.

60. Sicily, Italy

Now what's freakier than a flag with 3 disembodied legs? Well, a flag with 3 disembodied leg triskelion and a face on it. Add 3 stalks of wheat and a pair of wings coming out as well. Now that's what I called freaky. Yeah, wonder what the Sicily's flag designer was on when he came up with that idea.

Now what’s freakier than a flag with 3 disembodied legs? Well, a flag with 3 disembodied leg triskelion and a face on it. Add 3 stalks of wheat and a pair of wings coming out as well. Now that’s what I called freaky. Yeah, wonder what the Sicily’s flag designer was on when he came up with that idea.

61. Southland, New Zealand

This doesn't look like a flag motif at all. The setup seems to resemble the kind of motivational posters you'd see in a school library. More like, "Enjoy the adventure of reading" type of message there.

This doesn’t look like a flag motif at all. The setup seems to resemble the kind of motivational posters you’d see in a school library. More like, “Enjoy the adventure of reading” type of message there.

62. Ulan Bator, Mongolia

Now this is supposed to be an anthropomorphic Garuda bird, a mythological creature in Buddhism. However, to me, this is one really ugly flying monkey. He also seems a bit tubby, no offense.

Now this is supposed to be an anthropomorphic Garuda bird, a mythological creature in Buddhism. However, to me, this is one really ugly flying monkey. He also seems a bit tubby, no offense.

63. St. Moritz, Switerland

Now this is supposed to be Saint Mauritius, a Roman soldier from the 3rd century who refused to kill Christians at the behest of Emperor Maximilian. Thus, he and his legion were martyred. Still, as Bad Flags put it: "It looks like a tribute to the first Swedish knight with a pageboy haircut to walk on the moon." Yeah, pretty cartoonish if you ask me.

Now this is supposed to be Saint Mauritius, a Roman soldier from the 3rd century who refused to kill Christians at the behest of Emperor Maximilian. Thus, he and his legion were martyred. Still, as Bad Flags put it: “It looks like a tribute to the first Swedish knight with a pageboy haircut to walk on the moon.” Yeah, pretty cartoonish if you ask me.

64. Szabolcs-Szatmar-Bereg, Hungary

Well, aside from the airmail envelope border, there seems to be a lot of crap on this flag. Guess one place wanted a flag that symbolized the most stuff. Still, it's quite a bit overboard to say the least.

Well, aside from the airmail envelope border, there seems to be a lot of crap on this flag. Guess one place wanted a flag that symbolized the most stuff. Still, it’s quite a bit overboard to say the least.

65. Long Beach, Mississippi, United States

To be fair, this Gulf Coast city has been through a lot of crap like Hurricane Katrina and the Deepwaer Horizon oil spill. However, it's known for growing radishes. Yet, what they have here resembles purple carrots. Oh, wait they actually grew radishes like that? Now I feel bad. Still, from that insignia, they seem to be desperate for tourists.

To be fair, this Gulf Coast city has been through a lot of crap like Hurricane Katrina and the Deepwaer Horizon oil spill. However, it’s known for growing radishes. Yet, what they have here resembles purple carrots. Oh, wait they actually grew radishes like that? Now I feel bad. Still, from that insignia, they seem to be desperate for tourists.

66. Wallonia, Belgium

Now Walloons have a deep reverence for the French Chanticleer rooster, which is from a children's fable. It's said to appear in a movie called Rock-a-Doodle. Yeah, not something you'd want on a flag. You can see why many emblems tend to have eagles on them. Eagles are cool. Chickens not so much.

Now Walloons have a deep reverence for the French Chanticleer rooster, which is from a children’s fable. It’s said to appear in a movie called Rock-a-Doodle. Yeah, not something you’d want on a flag. You can see why many emblems tend to have eagles on them. Eagles are cool. Chickens not so much.

67. Yaroslavl Oblast, Russia

Jesus Christ, a bear with an halberd. Only a matter of time until he learns to use an AK-47 which is a Russian built. Also, it's newly bipedal with oppose able thumbs. Yeah, Russian outdoors people might want to stay away from bears bearing medieval weaponry.

Jesus Christ, a bear with an halberd. Only a matter of time until he learns to use an AK-47 which is a Russian built. Also, it’s newly bipedal with oppose able thumbs. Yeah, Russian outdoors people might want to stay away from bears bearing medieval weaponry.

68. Georgia

This was the state flag of Georgia from the 1950s to 2001. Its reason to have a Confederate flag on its emblem stems from the racist white legislators trying to send a message against desegregation. Luckily, it was replaced with a less racist design in 2001.

This was the state flag of Georgia from the 1950s to 2001. Its reason to have a Confederate flag on its emblem stems from the racist white legislators trying to send a message against desegregation. Luckily, it was replaced with a less racist design in 2001.

69. Orange County, California, United States

Seems like a more appropriate logo for a company that grows oranges. And I sure as hell wouldn't think California as an appropriate place to grow them this time of year. Especially since the state's in drought. Nevertheless, Orange County is a rich person's area that sometimes tends to hoard water for themselves and their golf courses. What a waste.

Seems like a more appropriate logo for a company that grows oranges. And I sure as hell wouldn’t think California as an appropriate place to grow them this time of year. Especially since the state’s in drought. Nevertheless, Orange County is a rich person’s area that sometimes tends to hoard water for themselves and their golf courses. What a waste.

70. Chiapas, Mexico

From Bad Flags: "The center seal tells the story of two lion lovers. The first lion, Eduardo, lives in the palace. The other lion, Timoteo, is stuck on the other side of a rushing river from his love. A deep chasm keeps apart their love. One day, as Eduardo uses his castle as a scratching post, Timoteo gets an idea. If he scratched that palm tree enough, he may be able to break it down and bridge the gap and run to his lover’s open paws. Unfortunately, the tree is just a little short, and Timoteo plunges to his untimely death." Now that's a horrible story. Still, please let it be a joke. Seriously, why would a place in Mexico want a flag depicting such events is beyond me.

From Bad Flags: “The center seal tells the story of two lion lovers. The first lion, Eduardo, lives in the palace. The other lion, Timoteo, is stuck on the other side of a rushing river from his love. A deep chasm keeps apart their love. One day, as Eduardo uses his castle as a scratching post, Timoteo gets an idea. If he scratched that palm tree enough, he may be able to break it down and bridge the gap and run to his lover’s open paws. Unfortunately, the tree is just a little short, and Timoteo plunges to his untimely death.” Now that’s a horrible story. Still, please let it be a joke. Seriously, why would a place in Mexico want a flag depicting such events is beyond me.

71. Perm, Russia

Pretty sure I won't trust a bear on a book. This is especially the case when the book is most likely the Bible in question. Of course, it's pretty obvious that's the book in question on this flag.

Pretty sure I won’t trust a bear on a book. This is especially the case when the book is most likely the Bible in question. Of course, it’s pretty obvious that’s the book in question on this flag.

72. Greenburgh, New York, United States

Motto is either "Who wants chili?" or "Eye of newt and tongue of shrew, feast your eyes on this witches' brew." Uh, let's hope it's just chili.

Motto is either “Who wants chili?” or “Eye of newt and tongue of shrew, feast your eyes on this witches’ brew.” Uh, let’s hope it’s just chili.

73. Afar Revolutionary Democratic Unity Front

This is a revolutionary movement at the Horn of Africa seeking to unite Somalia, Ethiopia, Eritrea, and Djbouti under the gun and torch. Yeah, doesn't seem democratic to me either. Seriously, with an AK-47 what do you expect me to think?

This is a revolutionary movement at the Horn of Africa seeking to unite Somalia, Ethiopia, Eritrea, and Djbouti under the gun and torch. Yeah, doesn’t seem democratic to me either. Seriously, with an AK-47 what do you expect me to think of these guys? Possible terrorists?

74. Tierra del Fuego, Argentina

Now the place name translates to "Land of Fire." However, it's actually a pretty cold place and one of the southernmost inhabited areas in the world. Still, doesn't make me understand why part of the flag is tangerine and includes a seagull. Yeah, a bird that can be found practically anywhere even in a parking lot in Southwestern Pennsylvania. Also, looks like it was designed by a 7 year old.

Now the place name translates to “Land of Fire.” However, it’s actually a pretty cold place and one of the southernmost inhabited areas in the world. Still, doesn’t make me understand why part of the flag is tangerine and includes a seagull. Yeah, a bird that can be found practically anywhere even in a parking lot in Southwestern Pennsylvania. Also, looks like it was designed by a 7 year old.

75. North Caucasian Emirate, Russia (1918-1921)

Now this consists of 3 stars making an eye and a nose along with a smiley face mouth. Might have something to do with the whimsical religion of Islam. Of course, the region it represents didn't last.

Now this consists of 3 stars making an eye and a nose along with a smiley face mouth. Might have something to do with the whimsical religion of Islam. Of course, the region it represents didn’t last.

76. Tamil Eelam

This is a flag a of a proposed Tamil state located in what's currently north and east Sri Lanka. Of course, while the image is badass, it also seems more like an emblem for some armed insurgent organization. Yeah, I think the crossed guns have to go.

This is a flag a of a proposed Tamil state located in what’s currently north and east Sri Lanka. Of course, while the image is badass, it also seems more like an emblem for some armed insurgent organization. Yeah, I think the crossed guns have to go.

77. New Jersey, United States

Now New Jersey's flag looks quite decent with the exception of the color. And the horses' head. Doesn't help that it's been the setting of two award winning HBO crime shows like The Sopranos and Boardwalk Empire.

Now New Jersey’s flag looks quite decent with the exception of the color. And the horses’ head. Doesn’t help that it’s been the setting of two award winning HBO crime shows like The Sopranos and Boardwalk Empire.

78. Pocatello, Idaho, United States

Okay, this is a flag of a city in Idaho. However, it looks more like an emblem designed for a local auto dealership with shitty commercials. I heard they changed it in 2008. Let's hope it's not something that's looks straight out of some printing program.

Okay, this is a flag of a city in Idaho. However, it looks more like an emblem designed for a local auto dealership with shitty commercials. I heard they changed it in 2008. Let’s hope it’s not something that’s looks straight out of some printing program.

79. Tampa Bay, Florida, United States

Now that's a very tacky flag. I mean not only does it have a seal in the middle but that colors are so distracting. Of course, it kind of embodies the spirit of the city. If not, then Florida.

Now that’s a very tacky flag. I mean not only does it have a seal in the middle but that colors are so distracting. Of course, it kind of embodies the spirit of the city. If not, then Florida.

80. Milwaukee, Wisconsin, United States

This was actually voted among the 5 worst flags of the North American Vexillogical Association. Still, it's been the city's flag since the 1950s and seems to have way too much on it. Perhaps a flag depicting cheap beer would've been more appropriate. Still, you have wonder what kind of art schools the city has to produce a flag like this.

This was actually voted among the 5 worst flags of the North American Vexillogical Association. Still, it’s been the city’s flag since the 1950s and seems to have way too much on it. Perhaps a flag depicting cheap beer would’ve been more appropriate. Still, you have wonder what kind of art schools the city has to produce a horrible flag like this.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Fourth Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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I know I’ve posted a few of these postcard posts since last summer. But since summer is the time for vacation and I’m going to Richmond in August to see my sister, I thought such an occasion would be rather appropriate. Nevertheless, you can tell a lot about an area by the kind of postcards they sell as well as what they value. And in some ways, there are some vintage postcards that might not hold up as well as thy might’ve during the 1950s. This is especially true when it comes to any postcard showing the Confederate flag or tobacco from the American South. Not to mention, there are plenty of postcards that can be just outright weird as you might see in Florida. Of course, there’s a reason why many of these postcards tend to be unintentionally funny as well as tacky.  So if you can’t go on vacation this summer, then enjoy yourself to some of these wonderfully tacky postcards from a more simpler time (well, not really).

1. Here in Kentucky is a portrait of an angel anointing the musical songwriter Stephen Foster.

Sorry, Kentucky, but though Stephen Foster wrote "My Old Kentucky Home," he was from Pittsburgh. Also, didn't he also write songs for blackface minstrel shows? I think he did. He also wrote the mustache song featured in A Million Ways to Die in the West. Really.

Sorry, Kentucky, but though Stephen Foster wrote “My Old Kentucky Home,” he was from Pittsburgh. Also, didn’t he also write songs for blackface minstrel shows? I think he did. He also wrote the mustache song featured in A Million Ways to Die in the West. Really.

2. Get yourself set for a photo op at the Confederate Anchor and Chain in Columbus, Kentucky.

Hmm...seems like this might not be as innocent a hangout place as it's depicted. Also, I'm sure all the women are looking at the guy on top who's all too happy to imagine what it'd be like to bang all three of them.

Hmm…seems like this might not be as innocent a hangout place as it’s depicted. Also, I’m sure all the women are looking at the guy on top who’s all too happy to imagine what it’d be like to bang all three of them.

3. Greetings from Kansas, where they have big boulders.

From the card: “MUSHROOM PARK. West of Salina, near Kanopolis Dam is Mushroom Park. This park features beautiful scenery and curious rock formations. It is of historical interest, as early day stage coach trails were near this park until they were forced out by hostile Indians.” Yet, you have to wonder about the strategically placed children in this one. Also, I'm sure the Indians had a good reason to be hostile since they were there first.

From the card: “MUSHROOM PARK. West of Salina, near Kanopolis Dam is Mushroom Park. This park features beautiful scenery and curious rock formations. It is of historical interest, as early day stage coach trails were near this park until they were forced out by hostile Indians.” Yet, you have to wonder about the strategically placed children in this one. Also, I’m sure the Indians had a good reason to be hostile since they were there first.

4. Welcome to the Red Slipper, from your scantily clad Wild West whore.

Something about this picture tells me that The Red Slipper isn't a family establishment. Must be the woman in the bright red get up and fishnet stockings. Yeah, I get the impression she's either a cocktail waitress or table dancer.

Something about this picture tells me that The Red Slipper isn’t a family establishment. Must be the woman in the bright red get up and fishnet stockings. Yeah, I get the impression she’s either a cocktail waitress or table dancer.

5. For this chef, nothing makes a great meal than a large hunk of steak.

From the card: "A picturesque view of George Diamond preparing a steak before one of his open charcoal broilers. A full steak dinner starts at $1.95." Picturesque, really? Still, $1.95 for a steak dinner like that ain't bad. But I think the chef seems to be enjoying himself a bit too much.

From the card: “A picturesque view of George Diamond preparing a steak before one of his open charcoal broilers. A full steak dinner starts at $1.95.” Picturesque, really? Still, $1.95 for a steak dinner like that ain’t bad. But I think the chef seems to be enjoying himself a bit too much.

6. This chimp is currently chilling in his easy chair.

Yes, he's taking it all in stride not letting anything worry him. Must be great being a chimp in Florida to do these photo ops.

Yes, he’s taking it all in stride not letting anything worry him. Must be great being a chimp in Florida to do these photo ops.

7. While some dolls were made to look cute, some can really terrify the hell out of you.

With that pale mouth and the soulless eyes, I'm sure this doll is bound to give Chucky a run for his money. Seriously, if he had his way, he could kill you in your sleep or nightmares.

With that pale mouth and the soulless eyes, I’m sure this doll is bound to give Chucky a run for his money. Seriously, if he had his way, he could kill you in your sleep or nightmares.

8. Hmmm….Frankenstein’s monster doesn’t look too happy in this take.

Hate to break it to you, but that Frankenstein's monster looks nowhere near like Boris Karloff. Just some large square head guy who's spent too much time on the beach. And might be into kinky stuff.

Hate to break it to you, but that Frankenstein’s monster looks nowhere near like Boris Karloff. Just some large square head guy who’s spent too much time on the beach. And might be into kinky stuff.

9. “Try catching a fish at this high, Flipper.”

I don't know but I'm not so worried about the dolphin as I'm scared for the trainer. Seriously, how high is that guy? Or what will happen to him if he slips and falls? I mean that can't be safe.

I don’t know but I’m not so worried about the dolphin as I’m scared for the trainer. Seriously, how high is that guy? Or what will happen to him if he slips and falls? I mean that can’t be safe.

10. When it comes to sharing whiskey in your pajamas, sometimes you need to demonstrate your ability with a rod and the reel.

Now this is supposed to be an advertisement for pajamas featuring a father and son. But when I see it, they seem like two bros hanging out, enjoying each other's company, gazing in each other's eyes... Oh, wait a minute. Then again, whatever happens on fishing trips, stays on fishing trips.

Now this is supposed to be an advertisement for pajamas featuring a father and son. But when I see it, they seem like two bros hanging out, enjoying each other’s company, gazing in each other’s eyes… Oh, wait a minute. Then again, whatever happens on fishing trips, stays on fishing trips.

11. “Aaaah, there’s an Indian in my house scalping my husband!”

I know I'm supposed to be scared by such a scene. But the white settlers look so cartoonish that I can't take it seriously. Of course, I have a feeling that the Indian in question really wants theses helpless white settlers to get off his lawn.

I know I’m supposed to be scared by such a scene. But the white settlers look so cartoonish that I can’t take it seriously. Of course, I have a feeling that the Indian in question really wants theses helpless white settlers to get off his lawn.

12. At Marineland of the Pacific, you can see dolphins catching fish from sailors’ mouths.

Not sure if the other dolphin wants one or is just thinking how ridiculous such stunt is. Yeah, I'm no fan of mouth to mouth feedings either.

Not sure if the other dolphin wants one or is just thinking how ridiculous such stunt is. Yeah, I’m no fan of mouth to mouth feedings either.

13. For every woman in Maine, a lobster is a girl’s best friend.

"Oh, Herman, your large claws and red exoskeleton makes me mad with desire. I just can't bear the thought of seeing you thrown into a pot of hot boiling water. Or tourists eating your insides while wearing their souvenir lobster bibs. Oh, please don't leave me!"

“Oh, Herman, your large claws and red exoskeleton makes me mad with desire. I just can’t bear the thought of seeing you thrown into a pot of hot boiling water. Or tourists eating your insides while wearing their souvenir lobster bibs. Oh, please don’t leave me!”

14. Vote Barfield and Shepheard for City Council, which they’ll make everybody’s business.

For those who plan running for office: when scheduling photo ops, remember not to have one the morning after the Preferred Campaign Donors' Booze Cruise. Yeah, you don't want to be seen hungover.

For those who plan running for office: when scheduling photo ops, remember not to have one the morning after the Preferred Campaign Donors’ Booze Cruise. Yeah, you don’t want to be seen hungover.

15. Back in the day, small appliances were so rugged and macho such as the Powerflow Hairdryer.

Yes, this is a hair dryer. No, it's not some kind of scanner or phaser of any kind. And no, I don't think it has a laser. So why are any of you asking these questions?

Yes, this is a hair dryer. No, it’s not some kind of scanner or phaser of any kind. And no, I don’t think it has a laser. This isn’t a piece of Star Trek technology here. So why are any of you asking these questions?

16. “Look, Mommy, that’s a Silversword plant, only known to Hawaii.”

From another card: “The SILVERSWORD—a member of the composit family, grows from 4 to 20 years—finally sending up a flower stalk 1 to 9 feet tall—then dies. Hawaiian name is "Ahina Ahina” which means Silver Hair. The Silversword is found only in Hawaii.“ Yeah, it's a real plant, but I'm sure your folks back home might see it as a prank. Seriously, this is one of the most phallic Hawaiian plants I've ever seen.

From another card: “The SILVERSWORD—a member of the composit family, grows from 4 to 20 years—finally sending up a flower stalk 1 to 9 feet tall—then dies. Hawaiian name is “Ahina Ahina” which means Silver Hair. The Silversword is found only in Hawaii.“ Yeah, it’s a real plant, but I’m sure your folks back home might see it as a prank. Seriously, this is one of the most phallic Hawaiian plants I’ve ever seen.

17. “Travel is so broadening.”

Yes, these are two dogs in the bar and drinking booze. Yes, I know it's supposed to be romantic and adorable. However, I'm not sure if the lady dog is up for what the guy dog is hinting at.

Yes, these are two dogs in the bar and drinking booze. Yes, I know it’s supposed to be romantic and adorable. However, I’m not sure if the lady dog is up for what the guy dog is hinting at.

18. “Ah! Sweet misery of love.”

I don't know about you. But it seems to me that these dogs don't seem like they're madly in love with each other. Rather, they seem bored and wishing the whole party would be over.

I don’t know about you. But it seems to me that these dogs don’t seem like they’re madly in love with each other. Rather, they seem bored and wishing the whole party would be over.

19. Hangover this morning? Drink Kona Coffee Grog.

Oh wait, Kona Coffee Grog is a name of a Fort Lauderdale restaurant. Still, this drink seems to resemble a Mai-Tai cocktail than anything else. Also, they have a Mystery Bowl drink, which I really don't want to know.

Oh wait, Kona Coffee Grog is a name of a Fort Lauderdale restaurant and bar. Still, this drink seems to resemble a Mai-Tai cocktail than anything else. Also, they have a Mystery Bowl drink, which I really don’t want to know.

20. “We miss you from Anna Maria, Florida.”

Seems like Anna Maria, Florida has a lot of alligator-on-woman action at its beaches. Still, no matter how ferocious the gator is, the lady in red still smiles. Well, until she finds out she's dinner anyway.

Seems like Anna Maria, Florida has a lot of alligator-on-woman action at its beaches. Still, no matter how ferocious the gator is, the lady in red still smiles. Well, until she finds out she’s dinner anyway.

21. Come to the National Civil War Museum in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania where you can see a display of John Brown’s execution for his raid on Harper’s Ferry in present day West Virginia.

Man, John Brown doesn't seem to have much fashion sense does he? Still, I know the man's execution was a rather harrowing and somber event. But I just can't take this somber display seriously for some reason.

Man, John Brown doesn’t seem to have much fashion sense does he? Still, I know the man’s execution was a rather harrowing and somber event. But I just can’t take this somber display seriously for some reason.

22. Welcome to Kalkaska, Michigan, home of the National Trout Festival.

Hate to say this, but I think the trout would look better without the lighting. Seriously, this fountain trout looks terrifying in the night light. Like it's some kind of water monster.

Hate to say this, but I think the trout would look better without the lighting. Seriously, this fountain trout looks terrifying in the night light. Like it’s some kind of water monster.

23. Seems like there’s a dolphin rapture or they’re working for some evil old guy.

"Fly, fly, my pretties! The first to get that kid who stole my lawn mower gets these free fish!" Well, at least they're not flying monkeys. Those were terrifying.

“Fly, fly, my pretties! The first to get that kid who stole my lawn mower gets these free fish!” Well, at least they’re not flying monkeys. Those were terrifying.

24. Let’s just say, I don’t think wax museums should cover certain events pertaining to solemn events like the Battle of Little Big Horn.

Custer's eyes just ruin any of the solemnity the event this museum was trying to create. I mean Custer looks like a freaking zombie that it's hilarious.

Custer’s eyes just ruin any of the solemnity the event this museum was trying to create. I mean Custer looks like a freaking zombie that it’s hilarious.

25. John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson receive guidance from George Washington.

Man, I can't help but wonder whether Ben Franklin and George Washington are wearing eyeliner in this or not. Of course, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson really don't seem to get along at the moment. Seems like Jefferson hasn't been having a good day at all.

Man, I can’t help but wonder whether Ben Franklin and George Washington are wearing eyeliner in this or not. Of course, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson really don’t seem to get along at the moment. Seems like Jefferson hasn’t been having a good day at all.

26. May I present to you Bubbles the Seahorse.

Seems like this woman is choking the poor seahorse. And she's enjoying it! Seriously, let's hope it's just some kinky erotic asphyxiation and not anything sinister. Always look on the bright side of things.

Seems like this woman is choking the poor seahorse. And she’s enjoying it! Seriously, let’s hope it’s just some kinky erotic asphyxiation and not anything sinister. Always look on the bright side of things.

27. Welcome to Homosassa Springs.

Guess one of the items on Governor Rick Scott's agenda is to change the place's name to Heterasassa Springs. Still doesn't incite the same kind of giggles. Even funny how it shows a woman with orchids. As if there's nothing gay going on there, really.

Guess one of the items on Governor Rick Scott’s agenda is to change the place’s name to Heterasassa Springs. Still when I hear of Homosassa Springs, I don’t imagine a pretty girl holding orchids. Well, unless she’s buying them for her girlfriend at the Bull Dyke Bar and Grille.

28. “Brad, it’s our anniversary, I don’t want to wear the wig tonight, okay?”

Yeah, I know this is supposed to be one of these cute animal postcards. But somehow, I'm not sure Fifi would want us making fun of her style job. Maybe she should opt for a more natural look.

Yeah, I know this is supposed to be one of these cute animal postcards. But somehow, I’m not sure Fifi would want us making fun of her style job. Maybe she should opt for a more natural look.

29. “This next song I’m going to play is called ‘Monkey Business’ from the album Bananas.”

However, I'm sure such a postcard wouldn't go well with the members of the Rolling Stones, Ron Wood and Keith Richards in particular. Then again, he kind of looks like Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters.

However, I’m sure such a postcard wouldn’t go well with the members of the Rolling Stones, Ron Wood and Keith Richards in particular. Then again, he kind of looks like Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters.

30. The First Baptist Church of Van Nuys presents the Living Christmas Tree.

Well, I'm sure churches tend to get tired of staging the same boring Christmas pageant year after year. Could you really blame these people for wanting to try something a bit different? But yeah, it's pretty much over the top and ridiculous. Oh, and yes it does seem like something a cult would do. But what do you know.

Well, I’m sure churches tend to get tired of staging the same boring Christmas pageant year after year. Could you really blame these people for wanting to try something a bit different? But yeah, it’s pretty much over the top and ridiculous. Oh, and yes it does seem like something a cult would do. But what do you know.

31. Come to Florida for the sun, fun, and beauty.

Well, she has some fun and sun all right. But I'm not sure she's a beauty per se, though some may beg to differ. Still, what the hell is she doing? Water in her ears? Practicing rain dance? Throwing a discus?

Well, she has some fun and sun all right. But I’m not sure she’s a beauty per se, though some may beg to differ. Still, what the hell is she doing? Water in her ears? Practicing rain dance? Throwing a discus?

32. While dolphins are seen as lovable creatures in Florida, I’m not so sure if you’d say the same at Niagara Falls.

Yes, Bucky wasn't the kind of friendly dolphin at the aquarium and didn't care for people much. Well, unless he was allowed to murder and eat them. Still, that is the most evil looking dolphin I've ever seen.

Yes, Bucky wasn’t the kind of friendly dolphin at the aquarium and didn’t care for people much. Well, unless he was allowed to murder and eat them. Still, that is the most evil looking dolphin I’ve ever seen.

33. Come to Josephine Tussaud’s London Wax Museum in St. Petersburg, Florida and relive the time when Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald in front of the cameras.

Now I'm not sure why anyone would want a wax display of such a scene. Still, Oswald looks like he's about to break into song and dance. Or possibly auditioning as a zombie for Michael Jackson's Thriller album.

Now I’m not sure why anyone would want a wax display of such a scene. Still, Oswald looks like he’s about to break into song and dance. Or possibly auditioning as a zombie for Michael Jackson’s Thriller album.

34. “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

Seems like this museum has managed to make Neil Armstrong quite terrifying in his space suit. Of course, the soft space suit and claw hands don't help either.

Seems like this museum has managed to make Neil Armstrong quite terrifying in his space suit. Of course, the soft space suit and claw hands don’t help either.

35. Seems like Jesus likes to spend time chilling with this brethren.

I don't know about you but this Jesus seems like he's been passing a sacred joint to his disciples and saying, "Take this, all of you and smoke it. This is, uh, never mind. But don't Bogart it and that means you, Judas Iscariot." Yes, this is the closest thing we have to a Stoner Jesus.

I don’t know about you but this Jesus seems like he’s been passing a sacred joint to his disciples and saying, “Take this, all of you and smoke it. This is, uh, never mind. But don’t Bogart it and that means you, Judas Iscariot.” Yes, this is the closest thing we have to a Stoner Jesus.

36. An average catch in this lake is bound to devour a man.

Now that fish is obviously photoshopped in this picture. Seriously, it looks painted. Besides, I think this is from a place that's quite desperate for some tourism.

Now that fish is obviously photoshopped in this picture. Seriously, it looks painted. Besides, I think this is from a place that’s quite desperate for some tourism. I’m sure the fish there aren’t that big.

37. Seems like this Totem Pole has an eye out for women to smooch.

"Honey, drop the camera and run! It's going to suck all your blood!" After this moment, Greta would never be seen again, until her corpse was found on some roadside.

“Honey, drop the camera and run! It’s going to suck all your blood!” After this moment, Greta would never be seen again, until her corpse was found on some roadside. Yes, that totem was cursed.

38. Come to Death Valley and see the Ghost Riders in the Sky.

Looks more like some depressing Christmas card to me. Still, the ghost riders don't seem as menacing in this postcard as they do in the hit Johnny Cash song.

Looks more like some depressing Christmas card to me. Still, the ghost riders don’t seem as menacing in this postcard as they do in the hit Johnny Cash song.

39. “Welcome to our hair salon. Our stylists are among the best of the biz.”

Yes, it's a hair salon. But it sort of has an atmosphere one would associate with an insane asylum. May because almost everyone is dressed in white and everything looks so clean. I think I'd rather stick with my own stylists, thank you very much.

Yes, it’s a hair salon. But it sort of has an atmosphere one would associate with an insane asylum. May because almost everyone is dressed in white and everything looks so clean. I think I’d rather stick with my own stylists, thank you very much.

40. “After all these years, I’m still not sure how I ended up a snake dentist.”

Of course, if he was seen talking to Snakes in the wizarding world of Harry Potter, I'm sure it wouldn't go well. Seriously, read the Chamber of Secrets when Harry spoke to one in front of some of his fellow students.

Of course, if he was seen talking to Snakes in the wizarding world of Harry Potter, I’m sure it wouldn’t go well. Seriously, read the Chamber of Secrets when Harry spoke to one in front of some of his fellow students.

41. At the Madonna Inn, we’re sure this poppy room is guaranteed to put you to sleep.

This is called, "The California Poppy Room." From the card: "The lavish use of our State flower is applauded by all nature lovers…and we agree that the Poppy is beautiful!" Yes, but do they also know what comes from poppies? It's not something that has a good reputation.

This is called, “The California Poppy Room.” From the card: “The lavish use of our State flower is applauded by all nature lovers…and we agree that the Poppy is beautiful!” Yes, but do they also know what comes from poppies? It’s not something that has a good reputation.

42. Seems like royal coronation ceremonies have become quite a bit informal these days.

I'm sure no queen in her right mind would want to attend her own coronation ceremony in a plaid skirt and beige sweater. Even kings wear more elaborate outfits than that.

I’m sure no queen in her right mind would want to attend her own coronation ceremony in a plaid skirt and beige sweater. Even kings wear more elaborate outfits than that.

43. The Weeki Wachee Mermaids present Alice in Waterland.

Now by looking at these ladies, I'm sure their rendition of the Lewis Carroll tale is far more trippier than the Disney movie. Also, I'd hate to be the Mad Hatter in this.

Now by looking at these ladies, I’m sure their rendition of the Lewis Carroll tale is far more trippier than the Disney movie. Also, I’d hate to be the Mad Hatter in this.

44. LBJ says: “Let us reason together.”

Which means he'll probably try to get you to agree with him in any way he can. But if not, he could always zip down his pants and wave his tallywacker at you. Oh, yes, he really did this, by the way.

Which means he’ll probably try to get you to agree with him in any way he can. But if not, he could always zip down his pants and wave his tallywacker at you. Oh, yes, he really did this, by the way.

45. “Howdy and come on down to the grand ol’ rattlesnake rodeo. Yeeehaw!”

Man, I know it's photoshopped but I'd sure want to see this. Also, let's hope that the ol' rattler don't take a bite out of any of the bulls and steers.

Man, I know it’s photoshopped but I’d sure want to see this. A rodeo with cowboys riding rattlesnakes would be awesome! Also, let’s hope that the ol’ rattler don’t take a bite out of any of the bulls and steers. Because that could be a problem.

46. “Waiting for you in Florida.”

Let's just say that Florida tends to have a thing for alligators. Besides, I just hope this one devours Tim Tebow and not any random tourists.

Let’s just say that Florida tends to have a thing for alligators. Besides, I just hope this one devours Tim Tebow and not any random tourists.

47. “Hello, kids, and welcome to Crazy Joe Killemall’s NRA gun camp for boys.”

"Remember, kids, always keep your rifle ready at all times. Well, as long as you use common sense first." Actually this is on safe marksmanship. Nevertheless, the NRA wasn't the kind of crazy gun lobby it is nowadays. Still, I do wonder if the man in this wants to raise an army of American boy soldiers though.

“Remember, kids, always keep your rifle ready at all times. Well, as long as you use common sense first.” Actually this is on safe marksmanship. Nevertheless, the NRA wasn’t the kind of crazy gun lobby it is nowadays. Still, I do wonder if the man in this wants to raise an army of American boy soldiers though. Yeah, probably shouldn’t dwell on these thoughts.

48, Have a snapping good time in Florida.

Yeah, I'm sure that the gator doesn't just want to nibble her bum. To me, he might be in the mood for some human rump roast if he asks her out to dinner.

Yeah, I’m sure that the gator doesn’t just want to nibble her bum. To me, he might be in the mood for some human rump roast if he asks her out to dinner.

49. While beer drinking is common in Germany, it’s said that a real man can down 15 six-packs.

Okay, maybe it doesn't hold 15 six-packs. But still, the guy will probably end up in the ER if he even dares to drink that amount this stine can hold.

Okay, maybe it doesn’t hold 15 six-packs. But still, the guy will probably end up in the ER if he even dares to drink that amount this stine can hold.

50. Come to Florida and see Miami’s ultra-modern architecture.

Hate to insult the people of Miami. But if this is your best specimen of your ultra-modern architecture, then it's fair to say that most of your ultra-modern buildings are ugly. Seriously, it looks like some wicker basket or container.

Hate to insult the people of Miami. But if this is your best specimen of your ultra-modern architecture, then it’s fair to say that most of your ultra-modern buildings are ugly. Seriously, it looks like some wicker basket or container.

51. Preachers, baptize your parishioners in style with this deluxe portable baptistery.

Of course, I can't really relate to this because as a Catholic, most of the baptisms I've been to pertained to babies. Still, as a baptistery, I kind of have a feeling it's a bit extravagant. Like akin to a megachurch pastor's luxurious bathtub. Why can't the minister baptize people in the river? It's cheaper.

Of course, I can’t really relate to this because as a Catholic, most of the baptisms I’ve been to pertained to babies, including my own. Still, as a baptistery, I kind of have a feeling it’s a bit extravagant. Like akin to a megachurch pastor’s luxurious bathtub. Why can’t the minister baptize people in the river? It’s cheaper.

52. Do you ever get the feeling that the drapes are watching you?

Yes, they may be matching curtains. But they seem to form a face of something so terrifying beyond the imagination. Makes me want to part them even if it means sacrificing my privacy.

Yes, they may be matching curtains. But they seem to form a face of something so terrifying beyond the imagination. Makes me want to part them even if it means sacrificing my privacy.

53. Seems like Herman the Hippo loves seeing Bridget spray the hose at him.

However, though hippos are indeed herbivores, this doesn't mean they're nice and won't kill you. I mean there are more people killed by hippos in Africa than lions. And if Herman gets angry at Bridget spraying him, then she'll be in very big trouble.

However, though hippos are indeed herbivores, this doesn’t mean they’re nice and won’t kill you. I mean there are more people killed by hippos in Africa than lions. And if Herman gets angry at Bridget spraying him, then she’ll be in very big trouble.

54. Ross Allen’s Reptile Institute presents Beauty and the Boa.

Let's hope that the snake isn't poisonous. Of course, this is in Florida so the woman was required to wear a skimpy swimsuit before going on stage.

Let’s hope that the snake isn’t poisonous. Of course, this is in Florida so the woman was required to wear a skimpy swimsuit before going on stage.

55. “Behold, He is risen!”

Looks like somebody took a big bite out of Jesus's armpit. Angel's like, "Dude, can I borrow five bucks?"

Looks like somebody took a big bite out of Jesus’s armpit. Angel’s like, “Dude, can I borrow five bucks?”

56. “Wish you were here!” from Alcatraz.

Let's just say I'm not sure if I'd want to receive a postcard from Alcatraz. I know it's now a museum and occasional movie location. But still, it's a famous federal prison.

Let’s just say I’m not sure if I’d want to receive a postcard from Alcatraz. I know it’s now a museum and occasional movie location. But still, it’s a famous federal prison.

57. Greetings from the Farmer’s Market of Los Angeles, California.

From how I see it, it seems more like a bakery than a farmer's market. Seriously, it would make more sense if they did a farmer's market postcards with pictures of fruits and vegetables. Not cakes.

From how I see it, it seems more like a bakery than a farmer’s market. Seriously, it would make more sense if they did a farmer’s market postcards with pictures of fruits and vegetables. Not cakes.

58. Every Friday evening at the Azure Tides Hotel Court in Sarasota, Florida, they hold King Neptune’s Table Buffet.

I can see it now, "Buffet Fish Retaliates Against Chefs....No Deaths Reported." Still, that's a huge fish at the table and seems to make the occasion look ridiculous.

I can see it now, “Buffet Fish Retaliates Against Chefs….No Deaths Reported.” Still, that’s a huge fish at the table and seems to make the occasion look ridiculous.

59. Greetings from Clear Lake, Iowa?

For some reason when I think of Iowa, visions of people water skiing usually don't come to mind. Seriously, this scene doesn't remind me of Iowa at all.

For some reason when I think of Iowa, visions of people water skiing usually don’t come to mind. Seriously, this scene doesn’t remind me of Iowa at all.

60. Welcome to the Moon Gate Motel. Enjoy your stay.

Now I have to admit, this motel's architecture is certainly out of this world. Actually it looks as if it was designed by someone from an alien planet. Said that George Jetson frequented the Moonfleet Cocktail Lounge at Happy Hour.

Now I have to admit, this motel’s architecture is certainly out of this world. Actually it looks as if it was designed by someone from an alien planet. Said that George Jetson frequented the Moonfleet Cocktail Lounge for Happy Hour.

61. Greetings from Shamrock, Texas, home of the world’s youngest hitchhikers.

Man, they really start out so young out there. However, hitchhiking isn't the safest way of transportation. In fact, it's anything but, especially for toddlers.

Man, they really start out so young out there. However, hitchhiking isn’t the safest way of transportation. In fact, it’s anything but, especially for toddlers.

62. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you Space Chimp.

Of course, I'm not sure whether the space capsule would work in space or be approved by NASA. But chimp looks quite proud in his spacesuit.

Of course, I’m not sure whether the space capsule would work in space or be approved by NASA. But chimp looks quite proud in his spacesuit.

63. “What’s the matter? Haven’t you’ve seen a woman riding a seahorse underwater before?”

Well, at least "Bubbles" the seahorse is all right. But still, he seems to have dealt with a lot of shit. Nevertheless, these women underwater stuff is quite funny.

Well, at least “Bubbles” the seahorse is all right. But still, he seems to have dealt with a lot of shit. Nevertheless, these women underwater stuff is quite funny. Especially if she almost seems like she’s posing as a model for Sports Illustrated.

64. Bringing you the latest in underwater entertainment.

And they seem to contain women in yellow swimsuits and wings as well as doing who knows what. Yeah, it's kind of over the top. But hey, they're from Florida.

And they seem to contain women in yellow swimsuits and wings as well as doing who knows what. Yeah, it’s kind of over the top. But hey, they’re from Florida.

65. “Good morning, honey, coffee’s ready.”

Something tells me that this coffee contains something poisonous. I don't know why. Must be the woman's soulless face and evil smile. God, she looks so terrifying like she has murder on the mind.

Something tells me that this coffee contains something poisonous. I don’t know why. Must be the woman’s soulless face and evil smile. God, she looks so terrifying like she has murder on the mind.

66. When it comes to a dog and a child, there is always mutual affection.

However, while it's supposed to show "mutual affection," the facial expressions make it seem very one-sided. The girl really seems to love her collie. The collie, on the other hand, either doesn't show its feelings or just doesn't care.

However, while it’s supposed to show “mutual affection,” the facial expressions make it seem very one-sided. The girl really seems to love her collie. The collie, on the other hand, either doesn’t show its feelings or just doesn’t care.

67. Of course, photos of children and puppies are always adorable.

Of course, this girl is like "I'll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever." Meanwhile the dog is like, "Help me."

Of course, this girl is like “I’ll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever.” Meanwhile the dog is like, “Help me.” Still, the puppy just can’t find no escape from the girl with the evil grin and soulless eyes.

68. Ladies and gentlemen, here’s Chattanooga’s Confederama.

Basically this is a tourist trap for racists as you see with the Confederate flag at the castle towers. God only knows what kind of stuff they have in there. I'm sure it's highly offensive.

Basically this is a tourist trap for racists as you see with the Confederate flag at the castle towers. God only knows what kind of stuff they have in there. I’m sure it’s highly offensive.

69. Here’s a scene of Abraham Lincoln passing Lancaster, Pennsylvania on his way to inauguration in Washington D.C. in 1861.

I don't know about you, but Mary Lincoln doesn't seem to look so good. In fact, she doesn't seem to look like herself at all. At least Lincoln has his beard and stovepipe hat.

I don’t know about you, but Mary Lincoln doesn’t seem to look so good. In fact, she doesn’t seem to look like herself at all. At least Lincoln has his beard and stovepipe hat.

70. “Finally, found a place we could afford.”

Well, it doesn't look like much. But I'm sure with some improvements and repairs, it'll look right as rain. Actually it looks like a shithole and I suppose the neighborhood is shitty, too. Probably should think about renting an apartment instead.

Well, it doesn’t look like much. But I’m sure with some improvements and repairs, it’ll look right as rain. Actually it looks like a shithole disaster area and I suppose the neighborhood is shitty, too. Probably should think about renting an apartment instead.

Fun with Rugs

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

orientalrug1

Whether as a welcome mat or as carpeting, rugs have been around for quite some time.Now rugs are said to have existed from the 2nd millennium BCE in the Middle East as we know it. But it’s said that they might’ve been making these things since the 7th millennium BCE which means that rugs have been around longer than writing. Nevertheless, almost every culture in the world has some kind of carpeting from the Middle East to India, China, and Siberia. Of course, while most people use rugs and carpeting to cover their floors, some also hang them on their wall either to muffle sound (like music and band rooms) or for decoration. Now I can spend this post talking about all the wonderful kinds of rugs out there but you’d probably get board after I show you enough from the Middle East. So instead, I’ll show you a few of the unusual variety. Sure many of them might look cool but some will look quite tacky. Others may be taken from pop culture references as well. Yet, none of them would be like Aladdin has. So without further adieu, here are some of the unique rugs for your reading pleasure.

1. Some dogs will do anything for some juicy ribs.

Of course, the dog might've placed this mat at the insistence of its owners. Nevertheless, I kind of think it's a joke. Besides, most dogs are simply happy to get the scraps.

Of course, the dog might’ve placed this mat at the insistence of its owners. Nevertheless, I kind of think it’s a joke. Besides, most dogs are simply happy to get the scraps.

2. Now you can have a room all by yourself with this chalk outline guy crime scene rug.

What makes this rug better is that you can take it anywhere to show your friends. Boy, this will make a great conversation place at your next gym or yoga class.

What makes this rug better is that you can take it anywhere to show your friends. Boy, this will make a great conversation place at your next gym or yoga class.

3. This rug will make the perfect tapestry for the hunting lodge come next deer hunting season.

Seems like Bambi and his friends love doing two things in their spare time: playing poker and killing hunters for revenge. Yes, you wouldn't want to see these bucks in the headlights. Love how they're smoking and drinking beer.

Seems like Bambi and his friends love doing two things in their spare time: playing poker and killing hunters for revenge. Yes, you wouldn’t want to see these bucks in the headlights. Love how they’re smoking and drinking beer.

4. This rug will go great with the hardwood flooring.

Of course, I think it might resemble too much of the hardwood flooring anyway. Still, I don't know whether it's quite clever or quite lame.

Of course, I think it might resemble too much of the hardwood flooring anyway. Still, I don’t know whether it’s quite clever or quite lame. Either way, I’m sure nobody would want it.

5. For the Pinellas County, Florida sheriff’s office, it’s always, “In Dog We Trust.”

This especially goes with tracking missing persons or fugitives. Of course, they also do dog sniffing as well. Nevertheless, it's quite funny.

This especially goes with tracking missing persons or fugitives. Of course, they also do dog sniffing as well. Nevertheless, it’s quite funny.

6. While most homes have welcome mats, I’m not sure if this qualifies.

This is probably an antithesis of the welcome mat. Of course, this person might have a restraining order against someone at the worst. At best, he or she might just not like people.

This is probably an antithesis of the welcome mat. Of course, this person might have a restraining order against someone at the worst. At best, he or she might just not like people.

7. Of course, while bears may be endangered in your area, you can always go with a demon rug to scare people.

Wonder if the owner of this rug is an exorcist of some sort. Then again, I'm not sure if any exorcist would want this, especially in the movies.

Wonder if the owner of this rug is an exorcist of some sort. Then again, I’m not sure if any exorcist would want this, especially in the movies.

8. Sometimes when it comes to rugs, some people prefer to be brief or tidy white.

Now this is an interesting specimen. Unless it's for a single guy's bathroom, I'm not really sure where such a rug may go. Besides, I think this might be given as a joke.

Now this is an interesting specimen. Unless it’s for a single guy’s bathroom, I’m not really sure where such a rug may go. Besides, I think this might be given as a joke.

9. When it comes to rugs, occasionally the bigger and fluffier the better.

Then again, children might get lost in this one. Besides, it might cost a lot to clean and maintain. Maybe stick with less shaggy ones.

Then again, children might get lost in this one. Besides, it might cost a lot to clean and maintain. Maybe stick with less shaggy ones.

10. In this living room carpet, a polar bear stands alone on an iceberg.

Unlike the real Arctic, at least the carpet ice will never melt as far as this polar bear is concerned. Then again, I wonder if Al Gore has a carpet like this.

Unlike the real Arctic, at least the carpet ice will never melt as far as this polar bear is concerned. Then again, I wonder if Al Gore has a carpet like this.

11. A rug like this might also double as furniture.

It's also shaped like you'd see a golf course. But unlike real golf courses, it's much more eco-friendly and cheaper to maintain.

It’s also shaped like you’d see a golf course. But unlike real golf courses, it’s much more eco-friendly and cheaper to maintain.

12. Man, looking at a rug like this makes me want to go out and skin a Persian bear.

Of course, I wonder how those Persian bears manage to have all those ornate colors and prints on their skin. Then again, why is it that we never see a Persian bear live?

Of course, I wonder how those Persian bears manage to have all those ornate colors and prints on their skin. Then again, why is it that we never see a Persian bear live?

13. Now I have to admit that this rug really ties the room together.

Now this rug is of the Dude's face from The Big Lebowski. Let's just say, you'll see a few of these from this movie. Because part of it pertains to a rug.

Now this rug is of the Dude’s face from The Big Lebowski. Let’s just say, you’ll see a few of these from this movie. Because part of it pertains to a rug.

14. As far as the Dude may say, this rug abides.

Now this rug contains items you'd associate from The Big Lebowski such as a bowling ball and pins, scissors, guns, toilets, pot leaves, etc. Still, I'm sure any Big Lebowski fan would love it.

Now this rug contains items you’d associate from The Big Lebowski such as a bowling ball and pins, scissors, guns, toilets, pot leaves, etc. Still, I’m sure any Big Lebowski fan would love it.

15. Of course, you and your friends will never know who made these tracks.

I'm sure this would be a great rug for murder mystery dinners, along with the crime scene one. Still, the footprints might make you wonder.

I’m sure this would be a great rug for murder mystery dinners, along with the crime scene one. Still, the footprints might make you wonder.

16. Guess the bloody footprints on this bath mat might leave a lot to the imagination.

Of course, hope nobody calls the police over this. Because you might need to explain yourself that the scene is not what it looks like.

Of course, hope nobody calls the police over this. Because you might need to explain yourself that the scene is not what it looks like.

17. Seems like these rugs are the skins of Elmo and the Abominable Snowman.

Of course, one of these rugs is bound to frighten a small child. The other, not so much. Still, I'm not sure you'd want either of them in a home with children.

Of course, one of these rugs is bound to frighten a small child. The other, not so much. Still, I’m not sure you’d want either of them in a home with children.

18. Finally, a rug that can tell you the time of day.

Actually this is an alarm clock rug. Still, I'm not sure if I'd want something that would have to make me step on the snooze button.

Actually this is an alarm clock rug. Still, I’m not sure if I’d want something that would have to make me step on the snooze button.

19. Now if someone had a rug like this, I might want to question their sanity.

Actually these are Afghan War rugs made in Afghanistan as an artistic depiction. And they were made available in a Kabul bazaar. Now I feel terrible.

Actually these are Afghan War rugs made in Afghanistan as an artistic depiction. And they were made available in a Kabul bazaar. Now I feel terrible.

20. Seems like Cookie Monster couldn’t resist those Chips Ahoy in his final moments.

Yes, this is a Cookie Monster skin rug. And yes, it comes with cookies. Said to be marketed for families. But I guarantee this might traumatize some children.

Yes, this is a Cookie Monster skin rug. And yes, it comes with cookies. Said to be marketed for families. But I guarantee this might traumatize some children.

21. If you can’t afford a chalk outline crime scene rug, then this body rug will do nicely.

Hmmm....now this may either freak out your guests or make them think you're awesome. Either way, it'll make a great conversation piece.

Hmmm….now this may either freak out your guests or make them think you’re awesome. Either way, it’ll make a great conversation piece.

22. Now with a carpet like this, you can play hopscotch in all kinds of weather.

And you don't have to worry about your local crime rate or weather conditions either. Still, compared to a lot of activities, hop scotch can get quite boring.

And you don’t have to worry about your local crime rate or weather conditions either. Still, compared to a lot of activities, hop scotch can get quite boring.

23. Now this Band Aid rug is sure to go well with many rooms in your house or medical office.

Then again, this rug is probably more appropriate for a doctor's office or a hospital waiting area. Of course, it's quite long and narrow, too.

Then again, this rug is probably more appropriate for a doctor’s office or a hospital waiting area. Of course, it’s quite long and narrow, too.

24. Step right up and have this rug guess your weight.

Now this is interesting a bathroom scale rug. Of course, not sure if I want my bath mat to tell me that I need to lose a few.

Now this is interesting a bathroom scale rug. Of course, not sure if I want my bath mat to tell me that I need to lose a few.

25. Sometimes doormats can really elicit a lot of mixed messages on occasions.

Looking at this mat, I'm not sure if I should come in or go way. Perhaps I should knock or ring the doorbell to make sure. Then again, I might want to high tail it.

Looking at this mat, I’m not sure if I should come in or go way. Perhaps I should knock or ring the doorbell to make sure. Then again, I might want to high tail it.

26. Now your door mat can look just like any ordinary manhole cover.

Of course, I'm sure you can wipe your feet on it. But you'd probably be disappointed that lifting it won't lead you to a sewer.

Of course, I’m sure you can wipe your feet on it. But you’d probably be disappointed that lifting it won’t lead you to a sewer.

27. I’m not sure if I want to walk into the middle if I were you.

Of course, it might just be an illusion. But do you really want to know the hard way? Do you? That's what I thought.

Of course, it might just be an illusion. But do you really want to know the hard way? Do you? That’s what I thought.

28. I suppose this person prefers that we ring.

Seems like they're not fond of visitors or they're really into Breaking Bad. Either way, you don't want to mess with Walter White at their doorstep.

Seems like they’re not fond of visitors or they’re really into Breaking Bad. Either way, you don’t want to mess with Walter White at their doorstep.

29. Of course, all this rug cost were two over easy.

Wonder if it goes with any furniture made to resemble toast or bacon. Sure might like to see that.

Wonder if it goes with any furniture made to resemble toast or bacon. Sure might like to see that.

30. A rug like this can be flipped according to the season.

Now I guess green is for spring and summer while brown is for fall and winter. And I guess you have to flip it every March and September.

Now I guess green is for spring and summer while brown is for fall and winter. And I guess you have to flip it every March and September.

31. Though some may play video games, who can boast having a video game controller rug?

I'm guessing this might be from a 1990s Ninendo 64 but I'm not sure. Guess I didn't grow up with video games back in the day.

I’m guessing this might be from a 1990s Ninendo 64 but I’m not sure. Guess I didn’t grow up with video games back in the day.

32. Grace your living space with a rug that goes with the topography.

I mean a rug that resembles topography. You know hills, mountains, and all. Also, I should count flora, too like greenery.

I mean a rug that resembles topography. You know hills, mountains, and all. Also, I should count flora, too like greenery.

33. Wouldn’t you want a shag carpet that could just keep you warm on cold days?

Sorry, but rugs were never meant for comfort. Besides, I had a shag rug once in college and it spread large clumps of lint all over the place. Wouldn't recommend it for anyone.

Sorry, but rugs were never meant for comfort. Besides, I had a shag rug once in college and it spread large clumps of lint all over the place. Wouldn’t recommend it for anyone.

34. Now this rug will certainly go well with the woodwork at this establishment.

And I sure reckon that they got this from a pretty large, tall, and old tree. I mean look at the diameter of this thing! Of course, I'm just kidding there. Yet, there have been trees that have lived hundreds of years.

And I sure reckon that they got this from a pretty large, tall, and old tree. I mean look at the diameter of this thing! Of course, I’m just kidding there. Yet, there have been trees that have lived hundreds of years.

35. Oh, God, looks like someone spilled something on the carpet again.

Oh, wait, it was actually designed this way. As of why I have no idea. Still, wonder how these people will explain the spill to their guests.

Oh, wait, it was actually designed this way. As of why I have no idea. Still, wonder how these people will explain the spill to their guests.

36. Nothing gives a room character than a rug of a hedge row maze.

Of course, I'm not sure if I want to run a pen or pencil through this. Then again, this was meant for decoration, not problem solving.

Of course, I’m not sure if I want to run a pen or pencil through this. Then again, this was meant for decoration, not problem solving.

37. Guess who ever has this rug is a big Lionel Ritchie fan.

Let's just say I'm not a big fan of this. Nor do I care for this song. But l do like how it's used as a welcome mat. Seriously, is it clever or what?

Let’s just say I’m not a big fan of this. Nor do I care for this song. But l do like how it’s used as a welcome mat. Seriously, is it clever or what?

38. Nothing makes a room better than a rug of a Mesoamerican calendar.

Then again, knowing what the Pre-Columbian peoples did to certain people, I'm not sure if this would be appropriate as a bath mat. Or for any other room.

Then again, knowing what the Pre-Columbian peoples did to certain people, I’m not sure if this would be appropriate as a bath mat. Or for any other room.

39. Guess whoever designed this exotic rugs might’ve been under the influence or was just plain incompetent.

Okay, now the design is fine. But I can't say the same about the shape. Seriously, rugs like these should usually be rectangular. Not whatever this shape is.

Okay, now the design is fine. But I can’t say the same about the shape. Seriously, rugs like these should usually be rectangular. Not whatever this shape is.

40. Now I don’t know where these stairs lead to. But I’m not sure if I want to try.

Then again, it's just a rug. But in Warner Brothers cartoons, I can guess Roadrunner can pass right through. But Wiley Coyote unfortunately can't.

Then again, it’s just a rug. But in Warner Brothers cartoons, I can guess Roadrunner can pass right through. But Wiley Coyote unfortunately can’t.

41. Mind that you keep an eye on the floor when you get in.

Of course, when I said, "eye on the floor" I didn't mean in that context. Also, it looks quite disgusting for my taste.

Of course, when I said, “eye on the floor” I didn’t mean in that context. Also, it looks quite disgusting for my taste.

42. Guess if you’re one of those bullrogs, you might want to pass this one.

Yes, this is a Lord of the Rings doormat featuring Gandalf. And I'm sure this will be a hit with Middle Earth fans far and wide.

Yes, this is a Lord of the Rings doormat featuring Gandalf. And I’m sure this will be a hit with Middle Earth fans far and wide.

43. Nothing makes a room look badass than a rug with Hitler’s head on it.

I've seen rugs like these on Google Images. However, I used Hitler since he's probably the most acceptable example on this post. If you don't know that, read your WWII history books or watch Schindler's List. Okay, that's too depressing so you'd better go with The Great Dictator.

I’ve seen rugs like these on Google Images. However, I used Hitler since he’s probably the most acceptable example on this post. If you don’t know that, read your WWII history books or watch Schindler’s List. Okay, that’s too depressing so you’d better go with The Great Dictator.

44. Commemorate the Iraq War, with this genuine rug of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Then again, this rug of Iraq kind of brings back memories of not so pleasant time in American politics in which us Americans were lied into a war based on nonexistent WMDS. I'm sure that members of the Bush Administration have this to muse about happier times. Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld in particular.

Then again, this rug of Iraq kind of brings back memories of not so pleasant time in American politics in which us Americans were lied into a war based on nonexistent WMDS. I’m sure that members of the Bush Administration have this to muse about happier times. Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld in particular.

45. Not sure how the tire marks got there on this living room rug. Not sure if I want to find out.

Now this is one of those John Deer rugs now that I think about it. The tracks are supposed to be from tractor tires. Yeah, it's hard for me to explain.

Now this is one of those John Deer rugs now that I think about it. The tracks are supposed to be from tractor tires. Yeah, it’s hard for me to explain.

46. Enjoy a White Russian with your friends on this one-of-a-kind Big Lebowski rug.

Seems like that movie is quite popular among people who love rugs for some reason. I wonder why. Still, I wonder if they have ones for other characters.

Seems like that movie is quite popular among people who love rugs for some reason. I wonder why. Still, I wonder if they have ones for other characters.

47. For you meat lovers out there, this rug of kielbasa will do quite nicely.

They have a few of these pertaining to baloney, ham, and pork. Then again, this might be salami. It's hard to say.

They have a few of these pertaining to baloney, ham, and pork. Then again, this might be salami. It’s hard to say.

48. I’m sure an old timey mustache welcome mat will make your guests feel right at home.

I don't know about you, but when I see this rug, I expect a guy from the 1800s emerge and say, "Good day to you, madam, may I daresay the weather is just barmy."

I don’t know about you, but when I see this rug, I expect a guy from the 1800s emerge and say, “Good day to you, madam, may I daresay the weather is just barmy.”

49. As I’ve said before, there ain’t a better rug like an Oreo rug for the living room.

Of course, it doesn't seem to come with a sandwich unlike Oreo cookies. Nor can it be dunked. But I'm sure Nabisco would approve.

Of course, it doesn’t seem to come with a sandwich unlike Oreo cookies. Nor can it be dunked. But I’m sure Nabisco would approve.

50. If you like rocks and geology, this geode rug will do just nicely.

Now this is a real intricate formation this person has here. Then again, when it comes to floor coverings, I'm kind of a stickler for symmetry. It's what I'm used to so don't ask me.

Now this is a real intricate formation this person has here. Then again, when it comes to floor coverings, I’m kind of a stickler for symmetry. It’s what I’m used to so don’t ask me.

51. Nothing can make a Marvel fan’s day than having a Captain America shield rug in their bathroom.

Well, there are plenty of Captain America fans out there, I wonder how many would actually buy this. Well, other than single men, anyway. Still, something to talk about at the comic convention.

Well, there are plenty of Captain America fans out there, I wonder how many would actually buy this. Well, other than single men, anyway. Still, something to talk about at the comic convention.

52. Add a little Mexican flavor into your living room with this pinata skin rug.

However, though it's quite common in regular pinatas, this one doesn't contain any candy. The hunters made sure of that when they emptied it of its insides.

However, though it’s quite common in regular pinatas, this one doesn’t contain any candy. The hunters made sure of that when they emptied it of its insides.

53. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a rug containing roadkill.

Actually you can because I'm sure this won't go well with visitors who'd think you're quite demented. Then again, they might find it hilarious. Either way, it's pretty disgusting.

Actually you can because I’m sure this won’t go well with visitors who’d think you’re quite demented. Then again, they might find it hilarious. Either way, it’s pretty disgusting.

54. Of course, everyone has their own way of saying “go away” now and then.

As you know, by "blow this joint" it can mean either smoking a joint or getting your ass out of there. In this case, it's most likely the latter.

As you know, by “blow this joint” it can mean either smoking a joint or getting your ass out of there. In this case, it’s most likely the latter.

55. Now this rug is guaranteed to give you the ultimate Big Lebowski experience (besides watching the movie of course).

Though it initially resembles the rug from the movie. When you take a closer look, you'd recognize the bowling balls and pins as well as the faces of many of the characters. They have other stuff on there, too.

Though it initially resembles the rug from the movie. When you take a closer look, you’d recognize the bowling balls and pins as well as the faces of many of the characters. They have other stuff on there, too.

56. Why play Pacman on the screen while you can play it on the floor?

Because playing Pacman on the floor is way too easy. Still, I'm sure any fan of Atari would want this in their living room.

Because playing Pacman on the floor is way too easy. Still, I’m sure any fan of Atari would want this in their living room.

57. For those who love Nintendo, you might like this Super Mario Brothers map rug.

Unfortunately, I'm sure the princess is in another castle. And I'm positive that it's not on this map either. Sorry, folks.

Unfortunately, I’m sure the princess is in another castle. And I’m positive that it’s not on this map either. Sorry, folks.

58. For those Atari fans who didn’t care for Pacman, here’s a rug commemorating Space Invaders.

Man, seems like some rug makers tend to have a lot of Atari nostalgia. Still, looks quite ornate for one commemorating a video game.

Man, seems like some rug makers tend to have a lot of Atari nostalgia. Still, looks quite ornate for one commemorating a video game.

59. With this KISS rug you can rock and roll all night as well as party every day.

Now I'm not a fan of KISS but let's just say I couldn't pass this one up. Well, because it's certain to be way tackier than many other rock groups. Besides, I don't particularly think metal fans would be into rugs either.

Now I’m not a fan of KISS but let’s just say I couldn’t pass this one up. Well, because it’s certain to be way tackier than many other rock groups. Besides, I don’t particularly think metal fans would be into rugs either.

60. Any die hard Star Wars fan would know that you can’t possibly do without a rug of Han Solo frozen in carbonite.

Now this is just priceless. Of course, I've seen Han Solo's carbonite image on almost everything you can think of. Still, pretty funny and almost looks real.

Now this is just priceless. Of course, I’ve seen Han Solo’s carbonite image on almost everything you can think of. Still, pretty funny and almost looks real.

61. Guess there’s nothing to see here. Guess we came to the wrong house.

Of course, let's just say this won't go well with some people. Particularly if the residents resemble Italians with New York accents known by names like "Harold Smith" or something like that. You might wonder whether they might have some kind of past.

Of course, let’s just say this won’t go well with some people. Particularly if the residents resemble Italians with New York accents known by names like “Harold Smith” or something like that. You might wonder whether they might have some kind of past.

62. Beware of Bunnies. Guess it’s time for me to come armed with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

Seems like Tim the Enchanter was right. Bunnies are monstrous animals with gnashing, pointy teeth. Yes, rabbits are dynamite, indeed.

Seems like Tim the Enchanter was right. Bunnies are monstrous animals with gnashing, pointy teeth. Yes, rabbits are dynamite, indeed.

63. Guess this belongs to a guy who works in computers. Wonder why I get that impression?

Now they tell me to wipe my feet before I come in. Nice, real nice. Still, not sure if I quite buy it.

Now they tell me to wipe my feet before I come in. Nice, real nice. Still, not sure if I quite buy it.

64. Guess someone needs to teach this cat how to bowl for tuna.

If it's not dogs taking their owners hostage for ribs, it's cats doing the same for tuna. Jesus, what is this world coming to already?

If it’s not dogs taking their owners hostage for ribs, it’s cats doing the same for tuna. Jesus, what is this world coming to already?

65. Have your kid reenact their favorite Star Wars scene with this Death Star rug.

However, remember this is not a moon, it's a space station. A space station with a weapon powerful to blow up an entire planet like Alderaan.

However, remember this is not a moon, it’s a space station. A space station with a weapon powerful to blow up an entire planet like Alderaan.

66. For video nerds, this rug will do quite nicely in your entertainment center.

Not sure what this has to do with VCR tapes or anything. But it's probably derived from the 1980s or some time when they had VCR tapes.

Not sure what this has to do with VCR tapes or anything. But it’s probably derived from the 1980s or some time when they had VCR tapes.

67. For your ugly Christmas sweater party, celebrate the season with this ugly Christmas rug.

I think they have a few of these as tie in to Christmas Vacation. Of course, I only had to choose one for the post.

I think they have a few of these as tie in to Christmas Vacation. Of course, I only had to choose one for the post.

68. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a 420 tie dye rug for your stoner friends.

While it might be fine in Washington State, and Colorado, I'm not sure if it's the case anywhere else. Yet, as one hippie said, "Don't fear the reefer, man."

While it might be fine in Washington State, and Colorado, I’m not sure if it’s the case anywhere else. Yet, as one hippie said, “Don’t fear the reefer, man.”

69. Nothing satisfies the house of a true Star Wars fan than a fuzzy rug of a wampa’s skin.

Guess Luke Skywalker finally has a souvenir from Hoth to give to Princess Leia. Oh wait, he cut the creature's arm off and left it to die. Yet, not sure if he kissed his sister in The Empire Strikes Back or in A New Hope.

Guess Luke Skywalker finally has a souvenir from Hoth to give to Princess Leia. Oh wait, he cut the creature’s arm off and left it to die. Yet, not sure if he kissed his sister in The Empire Strikes Back or in A New Hope.

70. When you slay a werewolf, remember his hide makes a great rug on your living room floor.

Let's just hope that this isn't the skin of Remus Lupin. Then again, I wouldn't mind if it was Taylor Lautner's character from Twilight though. Now that's a werewolf who should be skinned.

Let’s just hope that this isn’t the skin of Remus Lupin. Then again, I wouldn’t mind if it was Taylor Lautner’s character from Twilight though. Now that’s a werewolf who should be skinned.

71. I’m sure nothing brings you in memory lane like an old cassette tape rug.

Oh, the old cassette tape. I remember growing up with these. Wonder if any of my younger cousins will, which I highly doubt. Hell, I'm sure the youngest two wouldn't know what a cassette is.

Oh, the old cassette tape. I remember growing up with these. Wonder if any of my younger cousins will, which I highly doubt. Hell, I’m sure the youngest two wouldn’t know what a cassette is.

72. Of course, a real Pittsburgh Steeler fan can’t show his or her support for the team without a Terrible Towel welcome mat.

Sorry, Uncle Mike, but I'm afraid you can't go in. Steeler fans only. This is especially true when the Steelers are playing your beloved Baltimore Ravens. (Okay, I'm just kidding).

Sorry, Uncle Mike, but I’m afraid you can’t go in. Steeler fans only. This is especially true when the Steelers are playing your beloved Baltimore Ravens. (Okay, I’m just kidding).

73. Seems like somebody really doesn’t want to be bothered at the moment.

Yeah, I'm sure there's somebody this person wants to avoid. Nevertheless, I find this slogan quite funny if you get my drift.

Yeah, I’m sure there’s somebody this person wants to avoid. Nevertheless, I find this slogan quite funny if you get my drift.

74. Well, that’s one way of warding off burglars.

Then again, it's always said that the grass is always greener. Either that or they're really using a ton of sprinklers and fertilizer on their lawn.

Then again, it’s always said that the grass is always greener. Either that or they’re really using a ton of sprinklers and fertilizer on their lawn.

75. On this Enterprise rug, you can go where no man has gone before.

Yes, this is the rug of the Star Trek Enterprise. Not sure from which series. However, insatiable green girl not included. Do I make myself clear, Captain Kirk?

Yes, this is the rug of the Star Trek Enterprise. Not sure from which series. However, insatiable green girl not included. Do I make myself clear, Captain James T. Kirk?

76. Imagine yourself a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away with this Millennium Falcon rug.

Sure you might think Han Solo's ship is quite awesome. But in the Star Wars universe it's kind of the equivalent of a rusty Ford El Camino or my friend Jimmy's van in high school.

Sure you might think Han Solo’s ship is quite awesome. But in the Star Wars universe it’s kind of the equivalent of a rusty Ford El Camino or my friend Jimmy’s van in high school.

77. Now this must’ve been quite a ferocious monster in its day.

Not sure what it is. But I'd sure as hell don't want to be anywhere near it. Let's hope it's dead and its skin adorns some crazy single guy's living room.

Not sure what it is. But I’d sure as hell don’t want to be anywhere near it. Let’s hope it’s dead and its skin adorns some crazy single guy’s living room.

78. Welcome and greetings, doggy style.

As someone who's been around dogs all her life, I know that sniffing each other's butts is how dogs greet each other. They also tend to mark their territory and leave messages with their urine. Yes, it's disgusting.

As someone who’s been around dogs all her life, I know that sniffing each other’s butts is how dogs greet each other. They also tend to mark their territory and leave messages with their urine. Yes, it’s disgusting.

79. Dog hiding in bushes, act as if nothing is going on. Just act natural and casual.

Of course, all what the dogs are doing in the bushes is probably nothing to be concerned of. Probably digging or peeing, that's all.

Of course, all what the dogs are doing in the bushes is probably nothing to be concerned of. Probably digging or peeing, that’s all.

80. “Speak friend and enter.”

Now we just have to find what's the Elvish word for friend and come in. Still, if it's the Mines of Moira, I really don't want anything to do with the place. Bye now.

Now we just have to find what’s the Elvish word for friend and come in. Still, if it’s the Mines of Moira, I really don’t want anything to do with the place. Bye now.

Movie Reviews by People Who Take Everything Literally

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

1. To Kill a Mockingbird: “So disappointed that no birds were killed in this movie. Not even mockingbirds.”

2. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: “As an avid bird watcher, I had anticipated to see this movie thinking it was about the nesting habits about cuckoos. Was so pissed that it focused on a bunch of inmates in an insane asylum and their crazy bitch nurse.”

3. Infinitely Polar Bear: “Can’t believe this movie had absolutely nothing to do with polar bears or the Arctic. So disappointed.”

4. A Farewell to Arms: “He has his arms throughout the movie and still has them by the end. Can’t imagine why the title is this when he doesn’t say goodbye to his arms.”

5. The Three Musketeers: “All this movie’s about is four guys with swords, not three guys with muskets.”

6. Gone with the Wind: “More like Gone with the War. Had nothing to do with people losing everything in a tornado.”

7. Fiddler on the Roof: “Well, there’s a fiddler on the roof who sometimes comes down now and then. But he doesn’t really have anything to with the story which focuses on a bunch of Russian Jews instead.”

8. Blazing Saddles: “Why I never got to see anyone set fire on a saddle in this movie, I have no idea.”

9. The Lion in Winter: “Sure it takes place in winter but there’s no snow on the ground. Also, I as so upset that there wasn’t a single lion in it. Just a dysfunctional royal family at Christmas.”

10. Twelve O’Clock High: “I was expecting it to be one of those stoner movies. Instead, it was about a bunch of World War II pilots and their asshole commander who goes nuts. I was so bummed I wanted my money back.”

11. The Seventh Seal: “Instead of watching a movie about adorable seals, I get a depressing Swedish film about a medieval knight playing chess with the Grim Reaper.”

12. Singin’ in the Rain: “Only one scene where there’s actual signing in the rain. The rest is just people singing and talking indoors and something about talkies.”

13. Jewel of the Nile: “Can’t believe this had nothing to do about jewelry in Egypt. The ‘jewel’ in this movie is just some bearded holy man, which doesn’t make any sense to me.”

14. Dances with Wolves: “Well, there’s one scene where Kevin Costner might be dancing with a wolf. But, most of this movie has nothing to do with dancing with wolves. Just about a guy befriending Indians.”

15. Candyman: “Was outraged to see that this movie had nothing to do with a guy who sells candy. Can’t believe it pertains to a murderous ghosts.”

16. Julius Caesar: “Thought this was a biopic about the ancient Roman leader. Instead, it’s about this Brutus guy who’s talked into killing him half-way through and later loses it.”

17. The Brown Bunny: “Assumed that this was a cute animal film about a brown rabbit. After viewing this, I’m grateful I didn’t watch it with my kids.”

18. All Quiet on the Western Front: “From viewing this movie, it seems that the Western Front wasn’t quiet at all.”

19. Of Mice and Men: “Now I get this movie’s about men. But I didn’t see any mice in it.”

20. The Silence of the Lambs: “I’m so pissed that this movie doesn’t have much to do with sheep or lambs. Just an FBI agent and a couple of creepy murderers with fetishes in cannibalism and crossdressing.”

21. Dead Poets Society: “Thought this was about a society pertaining to undead poets. Disappointed to find out it was about a bunch of boarding school boys being taught poetry.”

22. It’s a Wonderful Life: “Not sure if I call the guy’s life anything wonderful. Seems like he led a life where very little seem to go right with him.”

23. The Grapes of Wrath: “Didn’t see any angry grapes in this movie. Just a bunch of poor people.”

24. A Raisin in the Sun: “There is nothing about this movie that has anything to do with raisins in the sun. Just about a black family wanting to move into a new house.”

25. The Man Who Wasn’t There: “How can a movie be about a man who’s not there? Billy Bob Thornton never seems to disappear or anything. Seriously, such concept doesn’t make any sense.”

26. East of Eden: “Had no idea that this wasn’t a biblical movie about Adam and Eve. Just about two brothers and their asshole dad.”

27. Kind Hearts and Coronets: “More like a Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder. Seriously, its more about killing family members and carrying on with your ex-girlfriend than anything about nice people and trumpets.”

28. Splendor in the Grass: “Doesn’t really have much to do with having any splendor in the grass. Just about two teenagers who break up and move on with other people. Oh, and the girl tries to commit suicide.”

29. No Country for Old Men: “Didn’t see a single senior citizen in this whole movie. More like an emotionless serial killer on a rampage.”

30. The Last King of Scotland: “So pissed off that it has nothing to do with the decline and fall of the Scottish monarchy. In fact, this movie isn’t set in Scotland at all, but in Uganda and it’s about Idi Amin.”

31. My Life as a Dog: “Can’t believe it’s not a body swap comedy involving an owner and canine. Just a Swedish coming of age film.”

32. The Ref: “Was expecting this movie to be about the ups and downs of a sports referee. Instead it’s about a fugitive crook who kidnaps a dysfunctional married couple.”

33. A Clockwork Orange: “Was deeply disappointed that this movie had nothing to do with the workings of orange clocks.”

34. JFK: “So distraught that this movie wasn’t a biopic about John F. Kennedy. It’s just about a guy who has some crazy theory about who killed him.”

35. Chariots of Fire: “Was bummed out that this movie didn’t feature fiery chariots, instead of a bunch of British guys competing in the Olympics.”

36. Reservoir Dogs: “I was so upset that this movie had nothing to do with the lives of dogs near reservoirs. Just a film about sadistic criminals with color coded names and suits.”

37. It Happened One Night: “Movie spans several nights with none being ever significant to the plot than any other. Should be more like It Happened Over a Road Trip.”

38. Straw Dogs: “Pissed off that this movie had nothing to do with straw dogs or even dogs or straw. What the hell?”

39. The Room: “Should really be called The Building since it takes place in several rooms no significant than the other.”

40. The Postman Always Rings Twice: “There are no mailmen or doorbells in this movie. So there’s no way to see a postman always ringing twice. It should be titled The Drifter and the Woman Who Wants to Kill Her Husband So She Can Get Everything.”

41. Jurassic Park: “But if it’s called Jurassic Park, then why do most of the dinosaurs seem to be from the Cretaceous period? Shouldn’t it be Cretaceous Park?”

42. The Big Sleep: “No one in this movie ever seems to be taking a long nap or be in a coma. In fact, this movie has very little to do with anything relating to sleep whatsoever.”

43. Christmas Vacation: “The family doesn’t go anywhere for Christmas. Just has their relatives spend Christmas with them.”

44. Captain Horatio Hornblower: “I was initially outraged why TCM would ever air a movie that sounds like a gay porn. Turns out it’s just about a naval officer with a porn character name and isn’t seen engage in any gay sex whatsoever. In fact, he ain’t even gay.”

45. The Keys to the Kingdom: “He never gets any keys and he doesn’t visit any kingdom. Just a priest who’s sent to China. So bummed.”

46. Little Women: “About teenage girls, not female midgets. Okay, female dwarfs, are you happy?”

47. The Princess Bride: “More like a prince’s fiancee to me. Besides, she doesn’t really marry him anyway.”

48. Fargo: “There’s only one scene set in Fargo in the beginning. The rest of the movie takes place in Minnesota.”

49. Leave Her To Heaven: “A more appropriate title for this movie would be Leave Her to Hell.”

50. M. A. S. H.: “Initially thought that this movie was about potatoes. It’s not. It’s about an army hospital camp.”

51. The Fault of Our Stars: “Seems like this movie has nothing about the character flaws of celestial fireballs.”

52. For Whom the Bell Tolls: “Doesn’t seem to have anything to do with bell ringing or tolls. More like people hiding in places and shooting at each other.”

53. Inherit the Wind: “How can you inherit wind? Also, this movie has nothing to do with inheritance or wind. Just a trial of a science teacher arrested for teaching evolution in school.”

54. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape: “Apparently nothing is eating Gilbert Grape. It’s just that he’s a young man with way too many responsibilities like a mentally handicapped brother and a grossly overweight mom.”

55. Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?: “Contrary to my initial assumptions, this isn’t a biopic about the famed bisexual British novelist who went nuts and drowned herself. It’s actually about a couple of emotionally dysfunctional alcoholics hosting a dinner party.”

56. The Man with the Golden Arm: “For God’s sake, Frank Sinatra’s hand isn’t made out of gold in this! Rather, he’s more of a druggie.”

57. Dr. Strangelove: “Was expecting a hippie stoner movie with this one. Turns out this is a Cold War satire. And Dr. Strangelove is actually a Nazi scientist, not a drug dealer. Go figure.”

58. 12 Angry Men: “It’s about twelve men all right. But not all of them are angry.”

59. A Mighty Wind: “Just a movie about a bunch of folksingers doing a PBS special. Has nothing to do with windstorms.”

60. Now, Voyager: “Thought this was a Star Trek movie. Turns out to be about a rich girl getting a makeover and having an affair.”

61. The Agony and the Ecstasy: “Was expecting this movie to be about the ups and downs on experimenting with rave drugs. Is actually a biopic of Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel. Not sure which I would prefer.”

62. The Neverending Story: “It ends. So disappointed.”

63. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof: “So bummed that it didn’t have any cats in it. And I’m sure that house in the movie doesn’t have tin roof.”

64. Life of Pi: “Was so disappointed that this movie didn’t feature one single pie. Instead it was about a young man stuck on a boat with a tiger.”

65. A Streetcar Named Desire: “Well, there’s a streetcar in it but it has very little to do with the movie. The rest focuses on an abusive husband and a blonde lady going crazy.”

66. Moonrise Kingdom: “There’s no moon rising and there’s no kingdom. So what kind of movie is this?”

67. The Godfather: “I’m sorry but Marlon Brando doesn’t look like a god to me in this one.”

68. Romancing the Stone: “Can’t see how anyone could romance a stone? Well, there’s romance and a stone involved but they tend to seem rather unrelated.”

69. Mommie Dearest: “The mother in this film is anything but.”

70. The Ladykillers: “The lady in this movie is still alive by the end. I wouldn’t say the same for the guys though.”

71. Iron Man: “Doesn’t seem this guy is made of iron or has anything made from iron either.”

72. Gravity: “Most of this movie’s spent in space where everything’s floating. Doesn’t seem to have much gravity at all.”

73. Star Wars: “Nowhere in this movie do I ever see stars actually fighting each other. Really disappoints me because I think a star battle would be awesome.”

74. Adam’s Rib: “So bummed that this movie had nothing to do with a guy’s rib. Was all about a courtroom trial and marital problems.”

75. The Big Chill: “Disappointed that it has nothing to with a snowstorm where at least one of the characters freeze to death. Just about a bunch of guys attending their friend’s funeral.”

76. Baby Doll: “So bummed that this movie had nothing to do with an actual baby doll. Just about a teenage bride.”

77. The African Queen: “Expected this movie to be about an actual queen in Africa. Turns out it’s just the name of a boat that falls apart throughout the movie.”

78. All the King’s Men: “I’m sorry but I was quite disappointed to watch this movie and find out that it had nothing to do with a king of any kind whatsoever.”

79. Chinatown: “Most of the movie doesn’t even take place in Chinatown. It just ends there.”

80. Days of Wine and Roses: “More like Days of Wine and Anything Else with Alcohol in It. Not much roses.”

81. Dead Man Walking: “Was so disappointed that this movie wasn’t a zombie flick.”

82. The Deer Hunter: “Was expecting this movie to be a guy on a deer hunting trip. Well, they hunt a deer but they spend most of the movie as soldiers in Vietnam.”

83. Dirty Harry: “Hate to say this, but Harry looks quite clean throughout the film.”

84. The English Patient: “The only thing that makes this guy English is that he’s played by a guy with an English accent. He’s actually Hungarian.”

85. Giant: “Was so disappointed that I didn’t see a single giant in this movie.”

86. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes: “Yes, but this movie also says they’re willing to settle for brunettes.”

87. Goldfinger: “The man may love gold but he doesn’t have any golden fingers at all.”

88. The Great Dictator: “Not sure if I’d call the dictator in this movie great. He seems like a total idiot with delusions of grandeur.”

89. Hannah and Her Sisters: “More like Hannah, Her Sisters, Her Husband, and Ex-Husband. In fact, this movie doesn’t focus much on Hannah at all.”

90. How Green Was My Valley: “Since this movie’s takes place in a coal mining town, I doubt if the valley in question can ever be green.”

91. Fifty Shades of Grey: “Has a lot of gray in it, but I think fifty shades isn’t a correct estimate.”

92. Last Tango in Paris: “Unlike what I expected, it has nothing to do with old people dancing the tango in Paris.”

93. The Leopard: “Not only I’m angry that I didn’t see a single leopard in this movie, I’m also upset that it takes place where you’d never see them in the wild. Not only that, but it has nothing to do with animals ever.”

94. Two Women: “More like One Woman and One Teenage Girl.”

95. The Little Foxes: “Was so upset that this movie had nothing to do with miniature foxes, which I greatly anticipated.”

96. The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner: “I’m not sure if this long distance runner is lonely. Seems more like he wants to be left alone.”

97. The Last American Hero: “I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Also, he doesn’t really save anyone from a burning building so how can he be considered a hero?”

98. Little Caesar: “Disappointed that this movie had nothing to do with a life of a diminutive Roman Emperor. Instead I get a movie about a 1920s gangster.”

99. Animal House: “Was so upset that this had nothing to do with a house filled with animals, which would’ve been much less dangerous than a bunch of college frat boys.”

100. The Ox-Bow Incident: “So disappointed that this movie had nothing to do with an incident relating to an ox or a bow.”

101. Paint Your Wagon: “Has nothing to do with painting wagons. More like a musical about wife sharing in the Old West.”

102. The Purple Rose of Cairo: “This movie wasn’t set in Cairo where I’m sure they don’t have purple roses either.”

103. The Quiet Man: “The man in this movie seems quite noisy for a man who’s supposed to be silent.”

104. Rain Man: “Sadly, this movie isn’t about a man who can make it rain, which would’ve been awesome.”

105. Saturday Night Fever: “Seems like this guy is perfectly fine to go dancing on a Saturday night. Not sure what kind of sickness he has.”

106. The Snake Pit: “Very disappointed that nobody was thrown into a pit of snakes during this movie.”

107. Spellbound: “Disappointed that this movie didn’t have any wizards or spelling bees.”

108. The 39 Steps: “There might be more than that in this movie. Not sure what they mean by ‘steps’ as by plans, stairs, or paces.”

109. Tootsie: “Unfortunately, contrary to what I’d hope, this movie has nothing to do with making those chocolate caramel candies you give to trick-or-treaters which look like animal turds.”

110. Trainspotting: “Disappointed that this movie had nothing to do people who like watching trains, which I think is a better activity than shooting up heroin.”

111. The War of the Roses: “Unfortunately, I was so disappointed that this movie was about a materialistic and hostile couple getting a divorce instead of a 15th century series of conflicts that brought down the Plantagenets.”

112. The Whales of August: “Expected a movie about the summer lives of whales. Instead I got a movie about two old sisters on vacation.”

113. Wild Strawberries: “Hate to say this, but I’m not sure if wild strawberries are the main focus in this film. Especially since it looks like a Swedish road trip movie and not a fun one at that.”

114. The Hunger Games: “Thought this was a movie about the world of competitive eating. But I was wrong since it’s actually about a dystopian competition in which teenagers fight to the death.”

115. Raging Bulls: “Unfortunately, it’s a boxing movie. Not a film about a very angry bull wreaking havoc wherever he goes.”

116. Back to the Future: “Movie takes place in the present where two characters travel to the past before returning to the present. So I don’t see how future figures into it.”

117. Life Is Beautiful: “Apparently not in this movie.”

118. A Fish Called Wanda: “Yes, there’s a fish called Wanda, but it’s not the biggest focus on the story, which involves humans.”

119. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea: “Was so bummed that this movie had nothing to do with how much the underwater sea creatures enjoy baseball.”

120. Brokeback Mountain: “Apparently not a mountain where its climbers suffer debilitating spinal injuries.”

121. Breakfast at Tiffany’s: “Seems like the two leads spend very little time having breakfast. And Audrey Hepburn’s character isn’t named Tiffany.”

122. Bottle Rocket: “Nowhere in this movie do I see anyone making or using a rocket derived from bottles.”

123. Secondhand Lions: “Was so bummed that I didn’t see any lions at all in this movie, old, secondhand, or otherwise. Also doesn’t take place in Africa.”

124. Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai: “So upset that this wasn’t a movie about a samurai and his paranormal canine friends.”

125. The Squid and the Whale: “Too bad that this film is more about a dysfunctional New York family than anything to do ocean life, particularly pertaining to mollusks or marine mammals.”

126. Cinderella Man: “Thought this movie was a gender flipped version of a classic fairy tale. Instead it’s about boxing.”

127. The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing: “Thought this was a wholesome family film about an enthusiast in feline choreography. Instead it’s a revenge story about a man seeking revenge for the rape and murder of his wife which isn’t for kids.”

128. There Be Dragons: “Was expecting a mystical dark fantasy movie with wizards, sorcery kings, and dragons. However, this film features nothing of the sort.”

129. The Ghost and the Darkness: “Thought this was one of those haunted house horror movies you’d see on Halloween. Instead, it’s a film about maneating lions in Africa.”

130. The World’s Fastest Indian: “Disappointed that I didn’t see a single speedy Indian in this film.”

131. The Constant Gardener: “I’m not sure if he likes gardening. But if he does, he doesn’t seem to spend a lot of time on it.”

132. High Noon: “Thought this was a stoner film about tripping during the midday. It’s actually a western about a guy surrounded by chickenshits.

133. Octopussy: “Initially thought it was either a porn involving an octopus or a movie pertaining to an eight headed cat. It’s actually a James Bond film who’s love interest is the title character.”

134. Quackser Fortune Has a Cousin in the Bronx: “Was so disappointed that this movie had nothing to do with Duck Tales or anything to do with ducks in New York.”

135. Riding in Cars with Boys: “Apparently, it doesn’t involve Drew Barrymore spending various time with guys inside automobiles. So disappointing.”

136. Operation Dumbo Drop: “Thought this was a Disney sequel to Dumbo in which he loses the ability to fly at an inopportune moment. So bummed that it wasn’t.”

137. Teaching Mrs. Tingle: “Apparently, I assumed that this was a movie based on a little-known book by either Dr. Seuss or Roald Dahl. It’s actually neither and probably not for younger children.”

138. Quantum of Solace: “Thought this was a movie about a physicist who had to come to turns with his grief. Instead, it turns out to be one of those James Bond movies.”

139. Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium: “When I heard about this movie, I assumed it was about some high profile LSD drug lord from the 1940s.”

140. They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?: “Was so disappointed by the lack of mass equine slaughter in this movie, which is about a dance competition.”

141. Cloverfield: “Assumed this movie took place in a nice quiet meadow where nothing happens. It’s actually a disaster film.”

142. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: “Thought this was a film about what happens to your pants after dropping it off at the dry cleaner. Actually it’s one about a group of friends sharing a pair of jeans. Not sure which I’d prefer.”

143. There Will Be Blood: “Well, there is but it’s not as much as I hoped for, especially since I was expecting this to be a slasher horror film.”

144. Children of the Corn: “Was disappointed that the children in this movie didn’t have kernel faces or husk hair.”

145. The Green Mile: “Have no idea how such a mile can be green. Also, surprised this movie takes place in a prison.”

146. Birdman of Alcatraz: “Well, he keeps birds and is in Alcatraz. But he doesn’t keep birds at Alcatraz. So why is it called Birdman of Alcatraz?”

147. Wag the Dog: “Hate to say this, but I was bummed that this wasn’t a family friendly flick with a dog in it.”

148. Failure to Launch: “Very peeved that this movie had nothing to do with anything pertaining to launching rockets or a space program. Just a stupid romantic comedy with Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker.”

149. Herbie: Fully Loaded: “Bummed that this movie had nothing do with being a comedy about a drunk or serial killer named Herbie. Just a movie about a crazy car with Lindsay Lohan.”

150. Free Willy: “I was shocked when I saw such a pornographic could be aired on family friendly TV stations. Then I found out it was G-rated flick about freeing a whale.”

Worst Excuses for Keeping a Confederate Flag

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Disclaimer: While I am not apologetic in my stance on the Confederate Flag issue and wish for its removal, I understand this post may feature some material bound to offend a significant part of the US population, particularly in the South. And while the Confederate Flag has been taken down at the South Carolina state house, plenty of such flags remain in the area such as in Mississippi. Seriously, the Confederate Flag only belongs in museums, historical sites, Civil War media, and cemeteries. No where else. Nevertheless, I’ve done my research on this. So don’t say that I don’t know my history if the flag offends me. Because I know my history and can completely understand why that flag offends people. Also, anyone offended by the picture should know that I’m not praising the Confederate Flag in any way. In fact, this is an article on me debunking excuses people make on keeping it.

Now in my “Thoughts on Charleston” post, I discussed how the Charleston Church shooting was racially motivated and why it was a problem. I also discussed a bit on why the Confederate Flag needs to be removed. However, while the South Carolina state house agreed to remove the flag from its state legislature, there was a substantial number of white people who weren’t happy about it. In fact, they were quite angry. And this led to a spat between the Klu Klux Klan and the Black Panthers nearby over last weekend. Others may think that we should worry about bigger things other than removing a flag, especially when it comes to stopping terror. However, many of these people either have no idea what this flag really stands for or conveniently ignore that fact. Many tend to keep Confederate Flags just to express their southern pride or love for Southern Rock groups. Some may keep a Confederate Flag thinking it’s a cool symbol of rebelling against authority. And many are quick to defend that the Confederate Flag is a symbol of heritage, not hate. Not to mention, in states like Georgia, Florida, Louisiana, Mississippi, South Carolina have laws banning the public mutilation, defilement, and cast of contempt on this flag. But such laws were overruled by the US Supreme Court in 1989 and aren’t enforceable anyway. But I’m sure they’re still on the books. However, hate to let ya’ll down, but the Confederate Flag is nothing more than a symbol of white supremacy and history shows this. Always has been, always will be. It’s not hard to figure out the American Civil War was over slavery and a lot of powerful white Southerners were really big fans of it. Nevertheless, I present to you many of worst excuses that people make about keeping the Confederate Flag.

  1. “The Confederate Flag is a symbol of Southern heritage and pride.”
While the Confederate Flag is a symbol of Southern heritage, it's one that embodies some of the worst aspects in the history of the American South. Basically it represents a region that split with the country in the name of preserving and expanding an institution where blacks were coerced into a lifetime of involuntary servitude with no rights or compensation. Here is an engraving of a slave auction in Virginia where this mother and daughter are unlikely to see each other again.

While the Confederate Flag is a symbol of Southern heritage, it’s one that embodies some of the worst aspects in the history of the American South. Basically it represents a region that split with the country in the name of preserving and expanding an institution where blacks were coerced into a lifetime of involuntary servitude with no rights or compensation. Here is an engraving of a slave auction in Virginia where this mother and daughter are unlikely to see each other again.

Well, if you feel that a Confederate Flag is a symbol of Southern pride, then I think you might want to find yourself a better way to express that. But while I agree that the Confederate Flag is a symbol of Southern heritage, but in a way that reflects the worst of what it represents. By this, I mean a time in which the South was run by a wealthy elite who owned large plantations manned by a large underclass of blacks who either were or among descendants of kidnap victims and subjugated under a lifetime of involuntary servitude, which they depended on. And they tend to use a rationale that blacks were lazy and inferior simpletons in order to justify it. Now many of the Northern states on the other hand, had outlawed this notorious institution and was a realm of many anti-slavery activities that these Southern aristocrats didn’t like. This was especially the case since the cotton gin led to an economic boom in the region which made these rich guys even more dependent to keep blacks in a lifetime state of involuntary servitude. Of course, it also explains why Mississippi was home to the most millionaires in 1860. So tensions build up over the years which result in a bunch of political dysfunction and sporadic moments of violence. It soon got to the point that these wealthy elites became so distressed about the North being no fan of enslaving black people, that they decided to split from the country to form their own so they never have to worry about such encroachment again. Of course, the North didn’t like them leaving the country and so commences a bloody 4-year war, which the North won by the way. And the white Southerners were very bitter that this war helped outlaw such practices so they went to great lengths to make sure that blacks could never gain any social, political, or economic power. Of course, they managed to get away with such practices for decades until blacks started demonstrating during the 1950s and 1960s. But it doesn’t stop the white Southerners from romanticizing the days when wealthy plantation owners forced black people to work for them so they didn’t have to abide to certain whitey hiring regulations other than perhaps the occasional overseer. They don’t want to think about the highly unethical implications and human rights violations pertaining to forced black labor as well as other anti-black policies so they conveniently choose to forget that. But still, you get the idea what the Confederate Flag sort of represents.

  1. “The Confederate Flag is a symbol of freedom and states’ rights.”
While Confederate Flag supporters often say that the American Civil War was about states' rights, moments like the Fugitive Slave Act and the Dred Scott Decision show this wasn't the case. Sure the South wanted to preserve slavery and their way of life. But they also wanted to expand it into the territories and force the North to return runaway slaves. Since Northern states had banned slavery for quite some time, it didn't want to comply. Now this is a poster warning free blacks in Boston to be wary of slave catchers and kidnappers who might want to enslave them.

While Confederate Flag supporters often say that the American Civil War was about states’ rights, moments like the Fugitive Slave Act and the Dred Scott Decision show this wasn’t the case. Sure the South wanted to preserve slavery and their way of life. But they also wanted to expand it into the territories and force the North to return runaway slaves. Since Northern states had banned slavery for quite some time, it didn’t want to comply. Now this is a poster warning free blacks in Boston to be wary of slave catchers and kidnappers who might want to enslave them.

Yes, but this flag represents the Confederacy which split from the Union in 1860-1861, but the “freedom” and “states’ rights” in this pertained to the idea that a white person was free to own slaves who were usually black. Besides, those who think the American Civil War was fought over states’ rights should really look up the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850, which required that all escaped slaves were to be returned to their masters upon capture and that citizens and officials had to cooperate, even in free states. Then there’s the Dred Scott Decision that centered on a black man who tried to sue for his and his family’s freedom on account that his master had died in a free territory. But the Supreme Court denied that request in which Chief Justice Roger Taney said that blacks were, “beings of an inferior order, and altogether unfit to associate with the white race, either in social or political relations, and so far inferior that they had no rights which the white man was bound to respect.” You should also take into account that thanks to the 3/5ths Compromise in the Constitution, the Southern states had a lot of political influence and representation in Congress, but industrialization, urbanization, and immigration would give the North much more political power. Now both the Fugitive Slave Act and the Dred Scott Decision took place before 1860 and were heavily favorable to slave owners in the South. But they also both reveal that the South didn’t just want to keep slavery within their borders (and they were in no position to abandon it either). They wanted to expand it to the territories and force the North to support that institution against their will. Abraham Lincoln and his fellow Republicans opposed both these measures in 1860 which led to the South seceding from the Union after Lincoln’s election to president in 1860. So much for states’ rights.

Dred Scott was a slave who tried to sue the government for his and his family's freedom on account that he spent time in a free territory. However, the Supreme Court ruled against him on account that blacks weren't considered US citizens and had no right to sue. Also, the Missouri Compromise of 1850 was declared unconstitutional which carried a designation of free territories in the first place. It has been known as the worst US Supreme court ruling in history. And it's no surprise that a few of the justices at the time were slave owners.

Dred Scott was a slave who tried to sue the government for his and his family’s freedom on account that he spent time in a free territory. However, the Supreme Court ruled against him on account that blacks weren’t considered US citizens and had no right to sue. Also, the Missouri Compromise of 1850 was declared unconstitutional which carried a designation of free territories in the first place. It has been known as the worst US Supreme court ruling in history. And it’s no surprise that a few of the justices at the time were slave owners.

We should also take into account that documents pertaining to the South’s split from the union because they refused to be in a country that was turning them into second-class citizens and refused to honor one of their most cherished beliefs, that slavery was beneficial to the negro. And it’s very clear that the Confederates weren’t in any way shy about this since the right to own slaves was written into their constitution. Besides, Confederate Vice President Alexander Stephens said it himself in his “Cornerstone” speech, “Our new government is founded upon exactly the opposite idea; its foundations are laid, its corner- stone rests, upon the great truth that the negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery subordination to the superior race is his natural and normal condition. This, our new government, is the first, in the history of the world, based upon this great physical, philosophical, and moral truth…” And in Texas’s secession declaration, slavery is mentioned at a whopping 21 times as well as said that governments and states of the nation were established, “exclusively by the white race, for themselves and their posterity,” and this didn’t apply to black people. So to say that the Confederate Flag was a symbol any other freedom than for whites to treat African Americans as property as well as force them to work for them against their will and with no compensation, then that argument is relatively weak. Besides, most historians think that the South played the states’ rights card only when they disagreed with federal policy and only when the rights in question applied to their states.

  1. “My ancestors fought under that flag.”
Southern Unionism was widespread throughout the Confederacy during the American Civil War. Southern Unionists comprised of 25% of Union Forces including my 3rd great-grandfather from East Tennessee and at least 3 of his brothers. This is an engraving of Southern Unionist refugees from Georgia in East Tennessee, a hotbed for Union sympathizers.

Southern Unionism was widespread throughout the Confederacy during the American Civil War. Southern Unionists comprised of 25% of Union Forces including my 3rd great-grandfather from East Tennessee and at least 3 of his brothers. This is an engraving of Southern Unionist refugees from Georgia in East Tennessee, a hotbed for Union sympathizers. However, in the “Lost Cause” myth, these people tend to be totally erased.

Are you sure about that? The National Park Service has a database listing American Civil War soldiers and sailors so you can look up your ancestors there. But even if your Civil War ancestors were white and resided in the Confederacy, there’s a substantial chance that they might not have fought for the side you previously thought. Unionism was widespread in the Confederacy during the Civil War (explaining the existence of West Virginia) and 25% of Union soldiers also resided in a secessionist state. So perhaps flying a Confederate Flag at your front porch may not actually be your way to honor the memory of your ancestors than possibly giving them the finger on the cause and country they fought for. This is especially the case if you find out that your 3rd great-grandfather from Arkansas actually fought for the Army of the Tennessee instead of the Army of Tennessee according to family legend.

Southern Unionists were often targets of violence by Confederates during the American Civil War. This is an engraving of a mass hanging of Southern Unionists in Gainesville, Texas.

Southern Unionists were often targets of violence by Confederates during the American Civil War (mostly for resisting draft laws but many were arrested as well). This is an engraving of a mass hanging of Southern Unionists in Gainesville, Texas. Like black troops, Southern Unionists who also fought for the Union also risked execution upon capture. Sometimes this would lead their families consigned to the not-so-tender mercies of their often unforgiving neighbors. After the Civil War, many Southern Unionists continued to be persecuted for their wartime beliefs after Reconstruction as well as targets of the Klu Klux Klan.

Nevertheless, there are plenty of descendants of Confederate veterans who don’t want anything to do with the Confederate Flag. Of course, many of these sons of Confederate veterans tend to be black and would want no part in honoring what their ancestors fought for. Not surprisingly, these guys were white and most likely owned slaves as well.

These are the official and military flags used by the Confederacy during the American Civil War. Though never used in any official capacity, the Confederate Battle Flag was used as an unofficial emblem of the Confederacy. This was because it was a very recognizable design from long distances.

These are the official and military flags used by the Confederacy during the American Civil War. Though never used in any official capacity, the Confederate Battle Flag was used as an unofficial emblem of the Confederacy. This was because it was a very recognizable design from long distances.

Even so, the Confederate Flag we know today was actually used as the Battle Flag for the Army of Northern Virginia but the design wouldn’t be incorporated in the official Confederate Flag design until 1863 with the “Stainless Banner” flag as well as in the “Blood-Stained Banner” in 1865. But both these flags have the Confederate Battle insignia in the upper left corner. But before these two flags, there was the “Stars and Bars” flag which had 3 stripes in red and white as well as a blue square with 13 stars. But this would later be disowned since it was too similar to the Union Flag and caused confusion during the 1st Battle of Bull Run (especially at long distances). So let’s just say if your Confederate ancestors fought under that flag, it was more or less on an unofficial basis. So it’s no surprise why the Confederate Battle Flag has become a widely recognized symbol of the American South since it was the Confederacy’s most recognized flag during most of the war. And the later flag designs both show this. But as far as we know the Confederate Flag was never adopted by the Confederate Congress, was never officially used for Confederate veterans groups, and never flew over state capitols during the Confederacy. So for the descendants of Confederate veterans, I’ll rule this as partially true.

  1. “Even if it is racist, the meaning of words and symbols is relative to the individual.”
The swastika is a good example of how symbols can be interpreted in many different ways. In Jainism, Hinduism, and Buddhism, it's a sacred and auspicious symbol as well as a good luck charm. But try to explain that to Westerns who link it with Nazism, Anti-Semitism, totalitarianism, racism, hate, and mass slaughter.

The swastika is a good example of how symbols can be interpreted in many different ways. In Jainism, Hinduism, and Buddhism, it’s a sacred and auspicious symbol as well as a good luck charm. But try to explain that to Westerns who link it with Nazism, Anti-Semitism, totalitarianism, racism, hate, and mass slaughter. Of course, the Nazi swastika is turned, but still. Nevertheless, unlike Americans with the Confederate Flag, Asians can still play the culture card for the swastika because they’ve used it way long before it became associated with Nazism.

Yes, words and symbols can mean a variety of different things depending on the individual. But even though you may fly a Confederate Flag showing your love for Lynyrd Skynyrd doesn’t mean that your neighbors would interpret it that way. But most of the time words and symbols carry meanings that stand independently of any individual’s subjective interpretation. Such that it might lead your passionate but non-racist Rebel Flag waving Lynyrd Skynyrd fan to be mistaken for racist  or believing that any pursuit of white supremacy isn’t wrong and may be worthy of celebration. This is especially true when a symbol or term has very negative connotations for a certain group of people explaining why many people want the Washington Redskins to change their name. It also explains why nobody in the West no longer uses swastikas for decoration.

  1. “Taking down the Confederate Flag will rewrite history.”
Whenever Confederate Flag supporters complain how removing this banner would rewrite history, what they really mean is that it will change the American Civil War history as they remember it. Of course, it's no surprise that many of these Confederate Flag supporters believe in the myth of the "Lost Cause" which is a virulently racist and very distorting pseudo-history viewpoint. Of course, Birth of a Nation basically shows the worst of the "Lost Cause" myth and the ideology it supports.

Whenever Confederate Flag supporters complain how removing this banner would rewrite history, what they really mean is that it will change the American Civil War history as they remember it. Of course, it’s no surprise that many of these Confederate Flag supporters believe in the myth of the “Lost Cause” which is a virulently racist and very distorting pseudo-history viewpoint. Of course, Birth of a Nation basically shows the worst of the “Lost Cause” myth and the ideology it supports.

Actually, when we’re talking about taking down the Confederate Flag, it will still be used in a historic capacity such as being displayed in museums and historic sites, Civil War media, and Civil War reenactments. Not sure if displaying them on Confederate Civil War memorials and monuments is acceptable, but I’ll leave it. Let’s just say Confederate Flag removal will only apply to places like government buildings, state and national parks (save Civil War battlefields), public schools and colleges, and other public places. Still, taking down the Confederate Flag may not rewrite history but it will help put the Neo-Confederate “Lost Cause” myth to rest since it was only made up to justify the oppression of African Americans in the South with Jim Crow laws and extralegal violence. I think removing the Confederate Flag might help Americans come to terms with an ugly part of their history, which many tend to ignore. So removing it might rewrite history to an extent, but only in a way that brings down the “Lost Cause” myth which continues to be influential in media and in schools despite that it’s a major distortion of history used to serve a very racist political agenda. And sometimes historic distortions need to be corrected by removing symbols of hate from where they don’t belong.

  1. “Even if it is racist, meanings of words and symbols can change over time.”
It's illegal in Germany to wave a Nazi flag. But it's a perfect illustration of how once symbols acquire a negative interpretation to them, it usually stays that way. And the fact people still make excuses of keeping the Confederate Flag just makes it more disturbing. Nevertheless, an American keeping a Confederate Flag is certainly equivalent to a German keeping a Nazi one.

It’s illegal in Germany to wave a Nazi flag. But it’s a perfect illustration of how once symbols acquire a negative interpretation to them, it usually stays that way. And the fact people still make excuses of keeping the Confederate Flag just makes it more disturbing. Nevertheless, an American keeping a Confederate Flag is certainly equivalent to a German keeping a Nazi one.

They may but if a symbol acquires a highly negative meaning, it tends to stay that way. And at its most benign, it’s been used by the historically-ignorant without being fully cognizant of its implications. But whether it represented a defunct government whose reason for existence was to preserve slavery or as a symbolic embodiment of the so-called “Lost Cause” myth, you can’t take pride in such a flag without tacitly endorsing a racist view or being remarkably clueless. Even if your ancestors fought for the Confederacy. And since the American Civil War, Southern whites tended to use the Neo-Confederate “Lost Cause” myth as their history just to enact Jim Crow laws as well as keep black people from any form of social, political, or economic power. The Confederate Flag is an artifact from that history as the “Lost Cause” myth continues to be propagated by Sons of the Confederate Veterans as well as United Daughters of the Confederacy. However, these two organizations as well as other historical societies tend to be among the more mild offenders.

FILE - "In this April 14, 1964 black-and-white file photo, a man holds a Confederate flag at right, as demonstrators, including one carrying a sign saying: "More than 300,000 Negroes are Denied Vote in Ala", demonstrate in front of an Indianapolis hotel where then-Alabama Governor George Wallace was staying." The Confederate Flag enjoyed a resurgence of popularity after World War II, particularly to white supremacists who saw the rising Civil Rights Movement as a threat. Let's just say white segregationists' use of the Confederate Flag was no accident.

FILE – “In this April 14, 1964 black-and-white file photo, a man holds a Confederate flag at right, as demonstrators, including one carrying a sign saying: “More than 300,000 Negroes are Denied Vote in Ala”, demonstrate in front of an Indianapolis hotel where then-Alabama Governor George Wallace was staying.” The Confederate Flag enjoyed a resurgence of popularity after World War II, particularly to white supremacists who saw the rising Civil Rights Movement as a threat. Let’s just say white segregationists’ use of the Confederate Flag was no accident.

Yet, after World War II, the Confederate Flag enjoyed a resurgence of popularity in the South used by segregationist whites to protest integration especially with the ruling of Brown v. Board of Education which declared school segregation unconstitutional. Southern states tended to use the Confederate Flag in their public pageantry during the Civil Rights Movement with the South Carolina raising flag at their state capitol in 1961. Two notable groups who used this as a symbol were the Dixiecrats and the Klu Klux Klan, both noted for white supremacy and opposition to the Civil Rights Movement. As Southern historian Gordon Rhea said: “It is no accident that Confederate symbols have been the mainstay of white supremacist organizations, from the Ku Klux Klan to the skinheads. They did not appropriate the Confederate battle flag simply because it was pretty. They picked it because it was the flag of a nation dedicated to their ideals: ‘that the negro is not equal to the white man’. The Confederate flag, we are told, represents heritage, not hate. But why should we celebrate a heritage grounded in hate, a heritage whose self-avowed reason for existence was the exploitation and debasement of a sizeable segment of its population?”

  1. “Just because I keep a Confederate Flag doesn’t mean I’m racist.”
I'm not saying that Confederate Flag supporters are racists. It's just that I find it a hard time to consider them not to be when I see them waving a flag that's clearly a symbol for white supremacy by any means necessary. Seriously, this flag has been used to justify racist policies in the South, opposition to the Civil Rights Movement, and extralegal violence against African Americans. So I don't think Confederate Flag supporters are helping their case.

I’m not saying that Confederate Flag supporters are racists. It’s just that I find it a hard time to consider them not to be when I see them waving a flag that’s clearly a symbol for white supremacy by any means necessary. Seriously, this flag has been used to justify racist policies in the South, opposition to the Civil Rights Movement, and extralegal violence against African Americans. So I don’t think Confederate Flag supporters are helping their case.

Maybe, but as I said time words and symbols carry meanings that stand independently of any individual’s subjective interpretation. Just ask any Asian Hindu and Buddhist who’s denied Anti-Semitism while wearing a swastika T-shirt. You may not see yourself as a racist, but try convincing your cringing black neighbors that whenever they see the Confederate Flag flying outside your porch. Sure you might fly it in the name of southern pride or that you’re a fan of Lynyrd Skynyrd. But most of the African American community and others identify it as a symbol of white supremacy, as well as political repression and violence against blacks. Many people also identify it as a symbol of treason in which a power elite of rich white guys seceded from the union in order to preserve a way of life that benefited no one but themselves as well as subjugated 40% the region’s population to a lifetime of involuntary servitude and a legal designation of property.

  1. “The Confederate Flag has nothing to do with racism.”
Uh, yes, the Confederate Flag has everything to do with racism. In fact, it's been always used as a symbol of racism from the moment of its inception. In fact, the guy who designed it said it himself and he certainly wasn't in the closet about his white supremacy.

Uh, yes, the Confederate Flag has everything to do with racism. In fact, it’s been always used as a symbol of racism from the moment of its inception. In fact, the guy who designed it said it himself and he certainly wasn’t in the closet about his white supremacy.

Really? But even in the antebellum American South, most Southern whites didn’t own slaves either. But most of them supported slavery anyway and a lot of them fought for the Confederacy. In the Antebellum South, white supremacy was accepted by almost all white Southerners of all classes which made slavery seem natural, legitimate, and essential for a civilized society. The whole Old South had a system of preserving slavery with elaborate codes of speech, behavior, or practices illustrating the subordination of blacks to whites. Southern whites serving on “slave patrols” and “overseers” were offered positions of power and honor. Such positions gave poor white Southerners the authority to stop, search, whip, maim, and even kill any slave traveling outside their plantation. “Slave patrols” were institutions bringing Southern whites of all classes in support of the prevailing economic and racial order. Oh, and policing and punishing slaves who transgressed the regimentation of slave society at the time was seen as community service. Not to mention, there was a constant fear of free blacks threatening law and order in the Old South as well. Also, there was no secret ballot so a poorer white guy voting against the wishes of the establishment ran the chance of facing social ostracism. Many Southern whites were linked to extensive kinship networks and/or depended on white Southern planters economically. Then there’s the fact many non-slaveholders perceived the possibility of owning slaves one day with the opening of the territories and how slavery gave poor whites some sense that they weren’t at the bottom of the Southern plantation society. So how could the Confederate Flag have nothing to do with racism, then how could it represent a society built around the idea of white supremacy?

  1. “The Confederate Flag doesn’t represent hate and violence.”
For over a century, the Confederate Flag has has stood for the idea that African Americans are less-than-equal members of the political community and that using any illegal violence against their interest is justified and that it’s noble to fight and die for the purpose of enslaving black people even if it means betraying the country. White supremacist organizations like the Klu Klux Klan have been known to use these flags as their symbols. Since it has inspired acts of violence such as lynchings and terrorism toward African Americans, its use is no accident. Still, if the Confederate Flag isn't a symbol of hate and violence, then I don't know what is.

For over a century, the Confederate Flag has has stood for the idea that African Americans are less-than-equal members of the political community and that using any illegal violence against their interest is justified and that it’s noble to fight and die for the purpose of enslaving black people even if it means betraying the country. White supremacist organizations like the Klu Klux Klan have been known to use these flags as their symbols. Since it has inspired acts of violence such as lynchings and terrorism toward African Americans, its use is no accident. Still, if the Confederate Flag isn’t a symbol of hate and violence, then I don’t know what is.

Seriously? Uh, for over a century it has inspired Southern whites to systematically discriminate and commit violence against African Americans. In fact, Southern whites split from the country and started a war because they so strongly viewed that blacks were inferior to human beings and should be put in their place through any means necessary (even though a significant number of white Southerners wanted no such thing like my Tennessee ancestors). For over a century, the Confederate Flag has stood for the idea that African Americans are less-than-equal members of the political community and that using any illegal violence against their interest is justified and that it’s noble to fight and die for the purpose of enslaving black people even if it means betraying the country. Such violence has involved hate crimes like lynchings and acts of terror by groups like the Klu Klux Klan and white supremacist groups. And for a long time Southern whites got away with it because the legal system always ruled in favor of white interests that African Americans would be put in jail for even the most trivial offenses. Nevertheless, if the Confederate Flag doesn’t represent hate and violence, then I don’t know what does.

  1. “The Confederate Flag is a symbol of the proud, distinctive heritage and gentility of the Old South.”
Contrary to the images of elegant plantations, happy slaves, proper Southern gentlemen, and beautiful Southern belles, life in the Old South wasn't the kind of society people imagine it. The Old South consisted of a society built on white supremacy, slavery, and rule of a rich wealthy elite wanting to preserve a way of life that benefitted no one but themselves.

Contrary to the images of elegant plantations, happy slaves, proper Southern gentlemen, and beautiful Southern belles, life in the Old South wasn’t the kind of society people imagine it. The Old South consisted of a society built on white supremacy, slavery, and rule of a rich wealthy elite wanting to preserve a way of life that benefited no one but themselves. Anyone who wasn’t rich or white meant politically nothing.

Really? What the Confederate Flag symbolizes of the Old South is a heritage that’s distinctive all right. But it’s not genteel in any way and not something for Southerners to be proud of. The heritage the Confederate Flag symbolizes is an ugly one in which society is controlled by a wealthy slave owning elite with whites of all classes united under a doctrine of white supremacy and economic dependency. It represents the idea of blacks being inferior and should be kept in their place by any means necessary. It represents poorer whites who accepted the status quo that was against their own interests under the threat of social ostracism. Not to mention, education was only available to those who could afford it and many poor whites made less than their Northern counterparts. But they embraced racism since their skin color gave them more rights and opportunities than even the most well-off free blacks who had no civil rights (and it didn’t help that most free blacks were very poor and marginalized). Not to mention, the unrealistic prospect that they can be part of the white Southern elite if they can work hard enough. But nevertheless, the Old South was a society that worked mainly in the interests of the white rich guys who ran it. And by the eve of the Civil War, that wealth would be more concentrated. Thus, the kind of society of the Old South was based on the notion of slaves and land being status symbols, concentration of wealth and power at the hands of a few rich white guys, the idea that blacks were property and inferior to whites, and that unless you were a rich white guy who owned a plantation, you meant politically nothing.

  1. “The cry to take the Confederate Flag down is unjustified.”
During the Jim Crow Era, it wasn't uncommon for blacks to be targets for lynchings, especially in the South. These were meant to keep black people in their place as an act of terror and intimidation. And yes, the Confederate Flag was used to justify this since it was seen as the emblem for the notoriously racist myth of the "Lost Cause." If this horrific scene doesn't justify calls to remove the Confederate Flag, then I don't know what does.

During the Jim Crow Era, it wasn’t uncommon for blacks to be targets for lynchings, especially in the South. These were meant to keep black people in their place as an act of terror and intimidation. And yes, the Confederate Flag was used to justify this since it was seen as the emblem for the notoriously racist myth of the “Lost Cause.” If this horrific scene doesn’t justify calls to remove the Confederate Flag, then I don’t know what does.

Seriously? Sure many whites think the Confederate flag is a symbol of Southern pride and heritage, which has been hijacked by white supremacist groups. But as history tells us, there was never a time in which the Confederate flag was used to represent anything other than the right for whites to subjugate black people and perpetuate slavery. And when slavery was outlawed, it was used as a banner for white supremacy through any means whether it meant instilling Jim Crow laws, acts of extralegal terror, or opposing the Civil Rights Movement. It’s no wonder why so many people think it’s a racist symbol, particularly most African Americans who’ve seen it as nothing but a symbol of oppression and terror. The sheer presence and endorsement of such a flag by state governments promotes the idea that black lives don’t matter under any circumstance. And it doesn’t help that many Southern states have enacted laws that work against the best interests of the poor and minorities, particularly Voter ID laws, regressive taxes, welfare drug tests, right to work laws, and Stand Your Ground. So I’m sure that there’s nothing unjustified about removing a symbol that has denoted nothing more than white supremacy. This is especially if such ideas kept you from exercising your constitutional rights or in a system in which the odds of receiving justice weren’t in your favor.

  1. “If the Confederate Flag was used as a national flag, then how could it represent slavery and racism?”
In his "Cornerstone Speech," Confederate Vice President Alexander Stephens declared that African slavery was the "immediate cause" of secession and that the Confederate Constitution had put to rest, "agitating questions" as to the "proper status of the negro in our form of civilization." Naturally the Article 1 Section 9 (4) in the Confederate Constitution says: "No bill of attainder, ex post facto law, or law denying or impairing the right of property in negro slaves shall be passed." So the chief and immediate cause of the American Civil War was slavery. As Alex Stephens said it himself. Ironically, he was also friends with a little-known Illinois politician named Abraham Lincoln.

In his “Cornerstone Speech,” Confederate Vice President Alexander Stephens declared that African slavery was the “immediate cause” of secession and that the Confederate Constitution had put to rest, “agitating questions” as to the “proper status of the negro in our form of civilization.” Naturally the Article 1 Section 9 (4) in the Confederate Constitution says: “No bill of attainder, ex post facto law, or law denying or impairing the right of property in negro slaves shall be passed.” So the chief and immediate cause of the American Civil War was slavery. As Alex Stephens said it himself. Ironically, he was also friends with a little-known Illinois politician named Abraham Lincoln.

First off, the Confederate Flag we know was officially used as a Battle flag and was only a national flag in an unofficial capacity. Secondly, preservation and expansion of slavery was the most important reason why the South seceded from the Union to form the Confederacy in the first place. Slavery was even called “the cornerstone of the Confederacy” for God’s sake. And obviously, you can’t enslave blacks without having some justification that it’s perfectly fine to do so. Thus, that’s where racism and white supremacy kick in, especially when it comes to getting poorer whites to accept and defend the status quo even if it’s not in their best interests to do so.

  1. “The Confederate Flag is a quaint historical artifact and a memorial to those who’ve fought gallantly and bravely (even in a service of a cause no longer considered virtuous).”
Had the Confederate Flag been confined to be used for educational, historical, and memorial purposes, it would've remained a quaint artifact of history. Unfortunately, white Southerners who supported the Confederate cause never got over racism or losing the Civil War. So instead they made the Confederate Flag an emblem for the "Lost Cause" myth which they used to justify the systematic discrimination and violence against African Americans for decades.

Had the Confederate Flag been confined to be used for educational, historical, and memorial purposes, it would’ve remained a quaint artifact of history. Unfortunately, white Southerners who supported the Confederate cause never got over racism or losing the Civil War. So instead they made the Confederate Flag an emblem for the “Lost Cause” myth which they used to justify the systematic discrimination and violence against African Americans for decades.

Now I am not against anyone honoring their ancestors for their gallantry and bravery, even if it wasn’t on the right side or in service of a cause I wouldn’t consider virtuous. However, if the Confederate Flag was just used as a quaint historical artifact and memorial only shown in museums, historical societies, soldiers’ reunions, or soldiers’ graves, then I’d have little to no problem with it. Unfortunately, people don’t always learn their lessons and even when slavery was outlawed in the US, the virulent ideas of white supremacy remained, especially in the South. We know this because many Southern whites were so vehemently opposed to Reconstruction policies that they’d commit acts of terror to make sure African Americans didn’t exercise their rights. And when these guys returned to power, they passed significant legislation to segregate, disenfranchise, as well as deny them any kind of opportunity for advancement. They also justified such actions through an ideology known as the “Lost Cause” which painted blacks as loyal, benevolent, and subservient slaves to their masters as well as claimed that the American Civil War was fought over states’ rights, not slavery. It also reinforced notions that Jim Crow laws were a proper solution to Reconstruction racial tensions, Confederate soldiers were good, Union soldiers were bad, the Klu Klux Klan were heroic vigilantes, Robert E. Lee was an infallible icon, African American freedom and political power was bad, and any violence committed against blacks was justified no matter how illegal. The Confederate Flag was often seen as a symbol for the “Lost Cause” which promoted such ideas as well as remained an influential narrative of the Civil War for years since it was a history that many white Southerners were comfortable with. Plus, most textbook companies usually cater to Texas anyway. But the “Lost Cause” mythology’s key characteristic was the use of white supremacy as a means to an end. So while the Confederate Flag may be seen as historic artifact by some to honor Confederate soldiers, it’s also been used for far more sinister purposes such as oppressing black people for decades.

  1. “Slavery and racism wasn’t just limited to the Old South.”
Yes, slavery existed in the North as well as the South during the Colonial and Revolutionary Eras. And I'm aware racism in the North has existed as well. However, between 1777 to 1804, Northern states have taken steps to outlaw the practice, though most took gradual steps.

Yes, slavery existed in the North as well as the South during the Colonial and Revolutionary Eras. And I’m aware racism in the North has existed as well. However, between 1777 to 1804, Northern states have taken steps to outlaw the practice, though most took gradual steps.

Yes, I’m well aware that slavery and racism have existed in the North as well as still does to a certain extent. And yes, I know that doesn’t get much attention in the history books as it should (but you can say the same for a lot of stuff in American history, unfortunately). But most of the racism in the North had more to do with economics, political representation, and housing combined with the fact that they were viewed as inferior because they looked different from everyone else. But the racism was nonetheless destructive, systematic, and pervasive as anyone would know from the life of Malcolm X. And yes, white supremacy terrorism, lynchings, and other extralegal violence did take place there, too. Still, while the North had segregation, too, African Americans had more political rights and economic opportunities than they would’ve in the South (for instance, the right to vote). You can also say the same for the West as well (where the African American population has been way underrepresented in western movies).

While slavery was practiced in the North during the Colonial Era and the American Revolution, it was never as widely practiced or seen as anything economically important as in the South. This chart shows the right and restrictions of Northern slaves.

While slavery was practiced in the North during the Colonial Era and the American Revolution, it was never as widely practiced or seen as anything economically important as in the South. This chart shows the right and restrictions of Northern slaves.

However, while the North isn’t completely innocent of racial injustices either (as I can testify), it was never to the extent that they saw slavery as a cornerstone to the social order which must be preserved by any means necessary. In fact, between 1777 to 1804, every state north of the Ohio River and the Mason-Dixon Line have passed anti-slavery laws and constitutions though for many it was a gradual process. But this didn’t mean the North didn’t have any economic interests in slavery or that Northern free blacks were treated equal to whites prior to the Civil War, which was certainly not the case. Nor did it mean that all of the abolitionists weren’t racist for that wasn’t the case either (with a notable exceptions of Frederick Douglass and John Brown). It wasn’t uncommon for Northerners to oppose slavery due to the view that it was incompatible with free labor.

John C. Calhoun was an influential politician during the Antebellum Era as well as one of the most terrible who ever lived. His most important contributions are ideas that states can declare federal laws null and void that they believed unconstitutional as well as the notion of slavery being a positive good. Such views would be influential in South's escalating threats of and eventual secession.

John C. Calhoun was an influential politician during the Antebellum Era as well as one of the most terrible who ever lived. His most important contributions are ideas that states can declare federal laws null and void that they believed unconstitutional as well as the notion of slavery being a positive good. Such views would be influential in South’s escalating threats of and eventual secession.

The South, on the other hand, had an economic system that depended on slavery that they developed a militant pro-slavery ideology that Southerners responded waged vitriolic responses to political change in the North, especially when it came to slavery in the territories and runaways in the North. The fact Abraham Lincoln came from a party opposed to slavery expansion led several southern states to secede from the Union. When slavery was outlawed, white Southerners weren’t at all happy that they did whatever it took to return to power and do whatever it took to make sure African Americans didn’t exercise their political or economic rights. When African Americans tried to defy them, Southern whites responded with terrorism and violence as long as they could get away with it. And despite the strides blacks took during the Civil Rights Movement, it’s still the case in many ways but in a different form. Yes, the North isn’t above committing racial injustices. But racism was never so ingrained or central in Northern society that it would be willing to divide the country over the right to subjugate a group of people into a lifetime of involuntary servitude due to the color of their skin.

  1. “But slavery existed in America long before the Confederate Flag.”
Yes, the US had slavery long before the Confederate Flag. But the United States was founded on the ideas of life, liberty, equality, and the pursuit of happiness. And it was these ideas that helped influence the Abolitionist Movement dedicated to outlaw slavery throughout the Union during the Antebellum years. Did they think black people were equal? No, but that's beside the point.

Yes, the US had slavery long before the Confederate Flag. But the United States was founded on the ideas of life, liberty, equality, and the pursuit of happiness. And it was these ideas that helped influence the Abolitionist Movement dedicated to outlaw slavery throughout the Union during the Antebellum years. Did they think black people were equal? No, but that’s beside the point.

Yes, but the United States wasn’t founded on the idea of preserving or expanding an institution dedicated to subjugating black people to a lifetime of involuntary servitude. Sure many of the Founding Fathers owned slaves and held racist views. But as any school child knows, the US was founded as nation based on the ideas of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness as well as that “all men are created equal.” Many of our Founding Fathers may not have believed it in the strictest sense but such ideas have inspired a spirit present in movements related to abolitionism, feminism, civil rights, organized labor, LGBT rights, and other social reforms. Sure there may be Americans who have funny ideas about liberty but in some ways, these ideals have inspired a lot of positive things in this country. And it’s these ideals that have helped made the US flag such a sacred symbol of our nation that embodies them. On the other hand, the Confederacy was founded on preserving and expanding an institution that denied blacks any recognition of humanity and justified even illegal violence to keep it that way.

  1. “But the Confederate Flag is on the state flag of Mississippi.”
This is the state flag of Mississippi. The Confederate Flag square on the top left represents states longing for a time in their history when they were the state with the most millionaires. Of course, knowing Mississippi you can guess why. Not surprisingly, it has been this state's flag since 1894 so it was adopted by an all-white legislature bent on making sure that blacks have no economic or political power.

This is the state flag of Mississippi. The Confederate Flag square on the top left represents states longing for a time in their history when they were the state with the most millionaires. Of course, knowing Mississippi you can guess why. Not surprisingly, it has been this state’s flag since 1894 so it was adopted by an all-white legislature bent on making sure that blacks have no economic or political power.

Yes, but that’s a problem for the state government of Mississippi to sort out. But if you want to show your love for Mississippi then I see no reason for you to fly it (but I recommend that you put on a disclaimer). Just remember that the Confederate Battle Flag was put on it in 1894 at a time when the state’s black residents were denied political rights and economic opportunities thanks to white supremacists politicians.

  1. “The Confederate Flag is a symbol of resistance against an oppressive authority.”
While Confederate Flag supporters tend to argue that the South seceded due to Northern economic and cultural aggression, it's really not the case. In fact, it had more to do with the fact that the North didn't want to cooperate or expand slavery and had successfully retaliated by electing Abraham Lincoln as president in 1860. This shows the caning of Massachusetts US Senator Charles Sumner by South Carolina US Congressman Preston Brooks in the Senate chamber. Yes, the South was usually the aggressor when it came to the years leading up to the American Civil War.

While Confederate Flag supporters tend to argue that the South seceded due to Northern economic and cultural aggression, it’s really not the case. In fact, it had more to do with the fact that the North didn’t want to cooperate or expand slavery and had successfully retaliated by electing Abraham Lincoln as president in 1860. This shows the caning of Massachusetts US Senator Charles Sumner by South Carolina US Congressman Preston Brooks in the Senate chamber. Yes, the South was usually the aggressor when it came to the years leading up to the American Civil War.

People tend to use the Confederate Flag thinking it a symbol of rebellion and sticking it to the man, thanks to the “Lost Cause” ideology that painted the North as an oppressive authority that just steamrolled them with superior resources and manpower (even though these weren’t the only reasons the North beat the South). And that the South split from the Union over Northern economic and cultural aggression over the Southern way of life. But contrary to popular belief, both North and South supported states’ rights only when it was convenient to do so. This is especially true with slavery an institution they not only wanted to protect but also expand and didn’t give a shit what the North thought about it as long as the area didn’t become powerful enough to overtake their influence on the federal government. As Brooks Adams noted: “Between the slave power and states’ rights there was no necessary connection. The slave power, when in control, was a centralizing influence, and all the most considerable encroachments on states’ rights were its acts. The acquisition and admission of Louisiana; the Embargo; the War of 1812; the annexation of Texas “by joint resolution” [rather than treaty]; the war with Mexico, declared by the mere announcement of President Polk; the Fugitive Slave Law; the Dred Scott decision — all triumphs of the slave power — did far more than either tariffs or internal improvements, which in their origin were also southern measures, to destroy the very memory of states’ rights as they existed in 1789. Whenever a question arose of extending or protecting slavery, the slaveholders became friends of centralized power, and used that dangerous weapon with a kind of frenzy. Slavery in fact required centralization in order to maintain and protect itself, but it required to control the centralized machine; it needed despotic principles of government, but it needed them exclusively for its own use. Thus, in truth, states’ rights were the protection of the free states, and as a matter of fact, during the domination of the slave power, Massachusetts appealed to this protecting principle as often and almost as loudly as South Carolina.”

Whenever it came to states' rights in the years leading up to the American Civil War, it was only Southern states' rights that the South really cared about. To them, infringing their northern neighbors' rights not to support slavery was fair game to them. This was demonstrated with their support for the Fugitive Slave Act and the Dred Scott Decision. As with any states' rights proponent, Southerners only supported states' rights when it suited them.

Whenever it came to states’ rights in the years leading up to the American Civil War, it was only Southern states’ rights that the South really cared about. To them, infringing their northern neighbors’ rights not to support slavery was fair game to them. This was demonstrated with their support for the Fugitive Slave Act and the Dred Scott Decision. As with any states’ rights proponent, Southerners only supported states’ rights when it suited them, particularly on policies they didn’t like.

Historian William C. Davis explained the Confederate Constitution’s protection at the national level as: “To the old Union they had said that the Federal power had no authority to interfere with slavery issues in a state. To their new nation they would declare that the state had no power to interfere with a federal protection of slavery. Of all the many testimonials to the fact that slavery, and not states’ rights, really lay at the heart of their movement, this was the most eloquent of all.” So the kind of “economic and cultural aggression” the South was rebelling against was that the North simply didn’t want the Southern way of life encroaching on their states’ rights. In fact, the South wanted to remain dominant in the federal government in order to protect and expand slavery. When they failed to maintain dominance of the federal government through democratic means (as demonstrated by Abraham Lincoln’s election as president), they sought other means such as military aggression by right of force and coercion. Thus, the Civil War occurred. Nevertheless, who was the aggressor in the Civil War is very hard to say, but in the decades leading up to it, I’m certain it wasn’t the North.

  1. “But you see many black people with a Confederate Flag. So how can it be racist?”
Now Confederate Flag defenders love to show black people with the banner they love to prove it's not racist. However, symbols and words can carry a different meaning than what the individual intends. Such actions don't disprove the Confederate Flag as a racist symbol regardless of the individual's race or ethnicity. In fact, most African Americans view the Confederate Flag as racist. So sorry, Kanye West.

Now Confederate Flag defenders love to show black people with the banner they love to prove it’s not racist. However, symbols and words can carry a different meaning than what the individual intends. Such actions don’t disprove the Confederate Flag as a racist symbol regardless of the individual’s race or ethnicity. In fact, most African Americans view the Confederate Flag as racist. So sorry, Kanye West.

Like I said, symbols and words can carry meanings that stand independently of any individual’s subjective interpretation. There may be African Americans who may not think the Confederate Flag is a racist symbol. But this doesn’t mean that all blacks share this view. In fact, most blacks usually link the Confederate Flag to white supremacy as well as anti-black suppression and terrorism. And history shows that they have a compelling reason to believe this since the “Lost Cause” myth as well as its use by politicians

  1. “But various Southern Rock groups used the Confederate Flag like Lynyrd Skynyrd.”
Since the 1960s and 1970s, many Southern Rock bands have used Confederate Flag imagery. Lynyrd Skynyrd is the most famous among them. However, since 2012, the band has stopped using the flag on their albums and promotional materials due to racist connotations. Same goes for Wal Mart and NASCAR in recent years.

Since the 1960s and 1970s, many Southern Rock bands have used Confederate Flag imagery. Lynyrd Skynyrd is the most famous among them. However, since 2012, the band has stopped using the flag on their albums and promotional materials due to racist connotations. Same goes for Wal Mart and NASCAR in recent years.

Yes, but Lynyrd Skynyrd has distanced themselves from that symbol since 2012 and has stopped using the flag on their albums and promotional materials. This was over the racist connotations. And since the Charleston shooting, it has been dropped by various retailers, flag manufacturers, and NASCAR.

  1. “The Civil War’s been over for 150 years so why waste our time over arguing about the Confederate Flag?”
As long as people revere and celebrate the Confederate Flag, then they shall carry the banner of a heritage that embodies nothing but the worst of their history. The Confederate Flag is nothing but a white supremacist symbol that advocates racism, hate, and violence against African Americans. It always has been and always will. We need to take it down for good.

As long as people revere and celebrate the Confederate Flag, then they shall carry the banner of a heritage that embodies nothing but the worst of their history. The Confederate Flag is nothing but a white supremacist symbol that advocates racism, hate, and violence against African Americans. It always has been and always will. We need to take it down for good.

Yes, slavery may be over. But the racism is still alive and well which affects those victimized by it whether it be through violence or the system. Blacks still find themselves discriminated against, undervalued, and negatively stereotyped, especially in the South. And whenever African Americans demonstrated in Ferguson and Baltimore over unlawful police killings saying “Black Lives Matter,” there were plenty of whites who saw them as nothing but disrespectful thugs (which may be true for some but that’s beside the point). White supremacy groups still remain in this country and they still do terrible things. Even though many may not be violent or perhaps racist, many still display the Confederate Flag believing it represents something that it doesn’t. And we still have Americans still expressing reverence for the “Lost Cause” myth which is still taught in American schools, especially since textbook companies still cater to Texas. But if we didn’t have slavery, the Civil War, and Martin Luther King Day, then I’m sure that much of African American history would be ignored in the classroom. Not to mention, when it comes to antebellum slavery, schoolchildren are more likely to read Uncle Tom’s Cabin than The Autobiography of Frederick Douglass: American Slave. Not only that, but the “Lost Cause” myth also distorts the American Civil War that paints a picture of the conflict which had nothing to do with the reality.

Fun with Garden Gnomes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Perhaps, no tacky garden artwork gets as much notoriety as the garden gnome. Sure they don’t look like figures of the ideal human form. Rather they tend to be little Santa Clauses with boots, pants, blue tunic, and a red cone hat. But somehow people seem to like them enough that they’ve become icons of their own for some reason or another. Now a gnome is a mythological creature spirit introduced by Paracelsus in the 16th century as a spirit of Renaissance alchemy and magic. They are typically said to be small, humanoid creatures that tend to live underground. Sometimes it’s said that they’re willing to help out the garden at night. Yet, they didn’t become the lawn ornaments we know today until the 19th century and didn’t take their present form until after WWII as inspired by Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Nevertheless, they’re often the target of pranks in which people would “kidnap” the gnome and “return it to the wild” with Italy having a Garden Gnome Liberation Front. There are also instances in which garden gnomes have been “kidnapped” and sent on trips around the world which formed the basis of “Where’s My Gnome?” series of ads for Travelocity starting in 2008. And it’s the reason why we have the Travelocity Gnome. Still, in 2008, they arrested a guy in France for stealing 170 of these things. There is even a gnome reserve in England, home to over 2,000 gnomes and was mentioned in the Guinness Book of World Records. Nevertheless, there are plenty of garden gnomes out there in all different varieties that you might find amusing. Some may seem a bit adult while others are derived from pop culture. So for your reading pleasure, here I welcome you to look at all the different varieties of kitschy garden gnomes.

1. Walter Sobchak Gnome isn’t happy whenever one is over the line.

You think that garden gnomes were supposed to be rather docile and pleasant. However, Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski was anything but. So I think it's ironic that there's a garden gnome of him. Expect him to pull out his gun and rant about his time in Nam.

You think that garden gnomes were supposed to be rather docile and pleasant. However, Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski was anything but. So I think it’s ironic that there’s a garden gnome of him. Expect him to pull out his gun and rant about his time in Nam.

2. It seems that purple macdaddy gnome seems to make it his business with all his garden hos.

“You want manic pixie dream girls and water sprites? Well, I got them bitches with me on fairy dust. Oh, I’m sure they’re clean but you might want to use protection.”

3. Of course, this gnome is off to the beach in his green mankini.

Let's just say, I wonder if Sacha Baron Cohen regrets setting off this male swimsuit trend when he wore the thing in Borat. Yeah, not the kind of swimsuit I'd want any man to wear.

Let’s just say, I wonder if Sacha Baron Cohen regrets setting off this male swimsuit trend when he wore the thing in Borat. Yeah, not the kind of swimsuit I’d want any man to wear.

4. This hippie gnome really gets into his tie dye, man.

Not sure if the cone hat goes with the tie dye. But with the glasses and his beard, I'm sure he'd fit in at any music festival quite nicely. Still, I'd stay out of the 1969 Woodstock festival if I were him.

Not sure if the cone hat goes with the tie dye. But with the glasses and his beard, I’m sure he’d fit in at any music festival quite nicely. Still, I’d stay out of the 1969 Woodstock festival if I were him.

5. In Florida, this gnome always knows that the beach with the lawn flamingos is where it’s at.

Of course, I'm sure if this gnome were a regular sized guy, he'd just blend in. Well, if he lost the cone hat. Still, embodies a lot about what people say about Florida which is a silly place.

Of course, I’m sure if this gnome were a regular sized guy, he’d just blend in. Well, if he lost the cone hat. Still, embodies a lot about what people say about Florida which is a silly place.

6. This gnome only wishes that your garden be filled with peace, love, and rock & roll.

Of course, I'm sure he's on some kind of weird grass in the yard. Probably the kind of gnome you'd want for your marijuana garden. Still, the cone hat really stands out for him.

Of course, I’m sure he’s on some kind of weird grass in the yard. Probably the kind of gnome you’d want for your marijuana garden. Still, the cone hat really stands out for him.

7. Of course, gnomes tend to be human like the rest of us with some having less misgivings than others.

Sure it's nice that they love each other and keep the spark alive. But I think they really need to take it somewhere else. I mean you don't want to freak out the neighbors.

Sure it’s nice that they love each other and keep the spark alive. But I think they really need to take it somewhere else. I mean you don’t want to freak out the neighbors.

8. Seems like a gnome zombie plague has infected the garden lately.

And it seems that zombies are partial to the dark meat since it's well known what happens to black guys in horror movies. Of course, I'm sure black gnomes are no different.

And it seems that zombies are partial to the dark meat since it’s well known what happens to black guys in horror movies. Of course, I’m sure black gnomes are no different.

9. Of course, while gnomes are often benign in the garden, sometimes this isn’t the case. So be prepared.

Yeah, you should always beware of the gnome carrying an ax behind his back. But you should defend yourself before these murderous lawn warriors strike.

Yeah, you should always beware of the gnome carrying an ax behind his back. But you should defend yourself before these murderous lawn warriors strike.

10. Nevertheless, even gnomes tend to prefer the convenience of a flush toilet as well as a bit of light reading while on the john.

Still, I wonder if that book he's reading has another purpose. Because I don't see a roll of toilet paper anywhere in this.

Still, I wonder if that book he’s reading has another purpose. Because I don’t see a roll of toilet paper anywhere in this.

11. “All we are saying, is give weeds a chance.”

Not sure why he has a bird on his guitar or why he's on the bird feeder. Either way, he seems quite groovy, man.

Not sure why he has a bird on his guitar or why he’s on the bird feeder. Either way, he seems quite groovy, man.

12. Of course, these skeleton gnomes tend to make great Halloween lawn decor.

Of course, they're so thin that they don't have any skin on them. Yet, I love whatever's holding that basket, by the way. Quite clever.

Of course, they’re so thin that they don’t have any skin on them. Yet, I love whatever’s holding that basket, by the way. Quite clever.

13. Seems like this stoner gnome really enjoys lounging around and smoking his grass.

Of course, he'll probably feel right at home wherever it's legal. Yet, if it's not, you should probably just let him smoke his joint in the bushes. Not sure about that tunic though.

Of course, he’ll probably feel right at home wherever it’s legal. Yet, if it’s not, you should probably just let him smoke his joint in the bushes. Not sure about that tunic though.

14. Seems like this nerdy gnome is really into D & D and larping.

Of course, he's also a Trekkie and has an atom on his shirt. Seems like he's on a quest to attend the legendary festival of Comic Con. That, or he's probably wanting to attend a nerd convention nearby.

Of course, he’s also a Trekkie and has an atom on his shirt. Seems like he’s on a quest to attend the legendary festival of Comic Con. That, or he’s probably wanting to attend a nerd convention nearby.

15. Seems like Leather Daddy gnome really enjoys watering his garden.

Of course, you really don't want to look at him from behind. Yeah, he sometimes tends to let it all hang out where the sun isn't supposed to shine. Not sure why.

Of course, you really don’t want to look at him from behind. Yeah, he sometimes tends to let it all hang out where the sun isn’t supposed to shine. Not sure why.

16. Seems like these hairy cons just broke out of the Big Greenhouse.

And it seems they've taken some animals with them for sustenance. Nevertheless, I'm not sure if they have any idea of how to get over that fence.

And it seems they’ve taken some animals with them for sustenance. Nevertheless, I’m not sure if they have any idea of how to get over that fence.

17. Of course, Gnome Elvis will always make your garden party a smash, even if he’s just an impersonator.

Of course, I'm sure all the qualudes and peanut butter and banana sandwiches will catch up to him somehow. Still, I'm sure that cone goes great with that polyester jumpsuit. Still, that look seems like Elvis from the Vegas years.

Of course, I’m sure all the qualudes and peanut butter and banana sandwiches will catch up to him somehow. Still, I’m sure that cone goes great with that polyester jumpsuit. Still, that look seems like Elvis from the Vegas years.

18. For those who want super protection for their gardens, perhaps they should try a superhero gnome.

Now these consist of Super Gnome, Bat Gnome and Captain Americgnome. Still, I have to warn you that while they may guarantee protection, they're also known to inflict a lot of collateral damage.

Now these consist of Super Gnome, Bat Gnome and Captain Americgnome. Still, I have to warn you that while they may guarantee protection, they’re also known to inflict a lot of collateral damage.

19. Beware the vampire gnome with his red eyes and fangs, especially when lurking among the tall grass and leaves.

Of course, he may look nice during the daytime. But when it gets dark, he won't hesitate to bite anyone's neck to suck their blood. Yes, this is one scary gnome, indeed.

Of course, he may look nice during the daytime. But when it gets dark, he won’t hesitate to bite anyone’s neck to suck their blood. Yes, this is one scary gnome, indeed.

20. Of course, this gnome rider’s ride tends to travel at a snail’s pace these days.

Yet, this should surprise nobody these days since he's riding a snail. However, he should watch out for any form of salt if he wants his snail ride to last for a long time.

Yet, this should surprise nobody these days since he’s riding a snail. However, he should watch out for any form of salt if he wants his snail ride to last for a long time.

21. “Gnome, Gnome on the range….”

Of course, I'm not sure if he's a cowboy gnome or a rancher gnome. Then again, despite being in cowboy clothes, I'm not sure if he even works with cows. Because if he don't have cows, then he's no cowboy.

Of course, I’m not sure if he’s a cowboy gnome or a rancher gnome. Then again, despite being in cowboy clothes, I’m not sure if he even works with cows. Because if he don’t have cows, then he’s no cowboy.

22. Of course, what better way to protect your lawn and garden than with Wonder Gnomeman.

Unlike Wonder Woman, at least she doesn't wear skimpy outfits to kick ass. Also, she loves flowers, too. And she has a nice yellow cone hat.

Unlike Wonder Woman, at least she doesn’t wear skimpy outfits to kick ass. Also, she loves flowers, too. And she has a nice yellow cone hat.

23. Even gnomes must dress for business while at their jobs in the corporate marketplace.

Nevertheless, you have to love how their cone hats go with their gray suits. Yet, I'm sure their workplace dress codes would want them to lose the hats and shave. Also like how they're on their cell phones.

Nevertheless, you have to love how their cone hats go with their gray suits. Yet, I’m sure their workplace dress codes would want them to lose the hats and shave. Also like how they’re on their cell phones.

24. Of course, you best be on your back if you don’t want to mess with the Gnome Manchu.

Of course, the Fu Manchu isn't a great Asian stereotype. But I found his long mustache so funny that I couldn't resist leaving this one out.

Of course, the Fu Manchu isn’t a great Asian stereotype. But I found his long mustache so funny that I couldn’t resist leaving this one out.

25. “You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life/See that gnome, watch him, diggin’ the Dancing Gnome.”

Of course, while the Swedish group was a great success in the 1970s, they split in the 1980s due to internal strife. Still, I'm sure they'd be remembered for all those pop hits which formed the soundtrack for Mamma Mia!.

Of course, while the Swedish group was a great success in the 1970s, they split in the 1980s due to internal strife. Still, I’m sure they’d be remembered for all those pop hits which formed the soundtrack for Mamma Mia!.

26. Of course, you’ll need a metal detector gnome in case a vandal plants a landmine in your yard.

Then again, he could just be looking for treasure. Of course, he should realize that certain electric and water systems may also be underground, too. Don't want to make a mistake there.

Then again, he could just be looking for treasure. Of course, he should realize that certain electric and water systems may also be underground, too. Don’t want to make a mistake there.

27. Let’s just say whoever thought you can look gangster in a white beard and cone hat?

As they say,

As they say, “I didn’t choose the gnome life. Gnome life chose me.” Yes, and I’m sure it’s a rough time in the inner gardens with high crime and shrooms to be exact.

28. Of course, no gnome could say no to the one and only Big Bad Bertha.

I'm sure what she lacks in moral propriety she makes up for in helping girls develop a positive body image. Still, not sure if this makes my post unsafe for work or what.

I’m sure what she lacks in moral propriety she makes up for in helping girls develop a positive body image. Still, not sure if this makes my post unsafe for work or what.

29. Of course, we can’t forget about the hit HBO TV show Game of Gnomes.

Let's just say that if that's a depiction of the Sean Bean character, my guess is that he'll be dead within a year. Still, I really like the throne and the shovel he's holding. But I'm sure you don't want to go into his garden, especially during weddings.

Let’s just say that if that’s a depiction of the Sean Bean character, my guess is that he’ll be dead within a year. Still, I really like the throne and the shovel he’s holding. But I’m sure you don’t want to go into his garden, especially during weddings.

30. For those concerned Jews out there, I’m sure Shalom Gnome will make your garden kosher.

Of course, this is probably the most Jewed out gnome out there. He even has a Star of David with a Hebrew inscription on his belt for God's sake.

Of course, this is probably the most Jewed out gnome out there. He even has a Star of David with a Hebrew inscription on his belt for God’s sake. Don’t give him pork or shellfish though.

31. And you thought gnomes enjoyed the sound of flutes and nature sounds. But not always.

Hear they play at the garden club circuit on Friday nights as well as jam at the recording studio during regular business hours. Still, there have been rumors that their lead singer was arrested for shroom possession.

Hear they play at the garden club circuit on Friday nights as well as jam at the recording studio during regular business hours. Still, there have been rumors that their lead singer was arrested for shroom possession. Drummer was also busted for weed and grass as well.

32. Of course, you should never mess with a garden gnome armed with an AK-47.

Now I'm sure you want to get off his lawn at the sight of him. Then again, he's small so I'm sure the ammo wouldn't hurt much anyway.

Now I’m sure you want to get off his lawn at the sight of him. Then again, he’s small so I’m sure the ammo wouldn’t hurt much anyway.

33. When it comes to swimming, some gnomes just want to let it all hang out.

Unless he's planning to visit a nude beach, I'm sure he'll have a hard time swimming in an area where nobody's watching him. Also, kind of wish he'd at least wear some pants.

Unless he’s planning to visit a nude beach, I’m sure he’ll have a hard time swimming in an area where nobody’s watching him. Also, kind of wish he’d at least wear some pants.

34. Seems like this gnome is really enjoying himself during his island getaway in Hawaii.

Of course, I'm sure he's bound to make the Travelocity Roaming Gnome jealous. Still, if he has more Margaritas, he'll soon be searching for his lost shaker of salt.

Of course, I’m sure he’s bound to make the Travelocity Roaming Gnome jealous. Still, if he has more Margaritas, he’ll soon be searching for his lost shaker of salt.

35. Of course, there’s always that gnome who tends to travel with a dark passenger and have a thirst to kill.

I'm sure nobody wants to mess with the Dexter gnome if he's in your garden. Still, he tends to kill his victims on the cutting board, which is fittingly enough. Nevertheless, he uses much less plastic than the one on TV.

I’m sure nobody wants to mess with the Dexter gnome if he’s in your garden. Still, he tends to kill his victims on the cutting board, which is fittingly enough. Nevertheless, he uses much less plastic than the one on TV.

36. Seems like even the gnomes want to take pictures of themselves these days.

Still, being a classic gnome, I doubt if he'd be recognized on Instagram among the others. Also, I wonder where he got that smart phone.

Still, being a classic gnome, I doubt if he’d be recognized on Instagram among the others. Also, I wonder where he got that smart phone.

37. Of course, some gnomes don’t know when they have had way too many.

Seems like all that hard tree sap can get to them if they've had enough. Guess it's best to leave sleeping dogs lie even if their butt cracks are showing.

Seems like all that hard tree sap can get to them if they’ve had enough. Guess it’s best to leave sleeping dogs lie even if their butt cracks are showing.

38. Now this meditating gnome is a true Zen master of the highest degree.

It's said he'd sit there meditating for so long that the birds would perch in his beard. Guess he'd have to clean it when he's done since the bird might leave him an unpleasant surprise.

It’s said he’d sit there meditating for so long that the birds would perch in his beard. Guess he’d have to clean it when he’s done since the bird might leave him an unpleasant surprise.

39. Of course, this gnome looks as black as a tar baby.

I don't know about you, but I think there's something a bit racist about this gnome. I'm not sure what. Could it be because it looks painted in blackface and is drinking booze? Yeah, that's probably it.

I don’t know about you, but I think there’s something a bit racist about this gnome. I’m not sure what. Could it be because it looks painted in blackface and is drinking booze? Yeah, that’s probably it.

40. Seems like somebody either forgot to put sunscreen or has caught too many UV rays.

Now that's a terrible sunburn. Guess taking a nap on the beach isn't really a good idea for the fair skinned. Not sure about covering your eyes with blueberries.

Now that’s a terrible sunburn. Guess taking a nap on the beach isn’t really a good idea for the fair skinned. Not sure about covering your eyes with blueberries.

41. Seems like this garden gnome really enjoys doing the hula in a grass skirt.

Then again, he seems like he's been on too many island spirits or possibly trying to do the Macarena. Hope that he doesn't show what's under his skirt because I'm afraid to look.

Then again, he seems like he’s been on too many island spirits or possibly trying to do the Macarena. Hope that he doesn’t show what’s under his skirt because I’m afraid to look.

42. Seems like this gnome and his old lady were meant to spend their lives on the open road.

Funny how they have gnomes for bikers these days. They seem like they're the people you'd least expect to be in this type of tacky lawn decoration. Still, hope these 2 don't belong in a gang.

Funny how they have gnomes for bikers these days. They seem like they’re the people you’d least expect to be in this type of tacky lawn decoration. Still, hope these 2 don’t belong in a gang.

43. Now this little gnome wish all you to feel the Pittsburgh steel.

For some reason the molten steel he's pouring seems to resemble Cheez Whiz. Still, you'd find that a lot of college and pro sports teams have their own collectible gnome like this one for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

For some reason the molten steel he’s pouring seems to resemble Cheez Whiz. Still, you’d find that a lot of college and pro sports teams have their own collectible gnome like this one for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

44. Seems like someone has to bend over to get a temperature.

I'm sure she's taking his temperature because this display looks older. Then again, there could be something kinky going on and what she's holding could be a butt plug instead of a thermometer.

I’m sure she’s taking his temperature because this display looks older. Then again, there could be something kinky going on and what she’s holding could be a butt plug instead of a thermometer.

45. Seems like some garden creep has been on way too much Viagra lately.

Nevertheless, at least he's wearing underwear. However, he's seems to be a pervert with a pension for exhibitionism, especially when he's erect. Yeah, I'd stay away from him if I were you.

Nevertheless, at least he’s wearing underwear. However, he’s seems to be a pervert with a pension for exhibitionism, especially when he’s erect. Yeah, I’d stay away from him if I were you.

46. Seems like this gnome is either trigger happy or on a shooting rampage.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to see him on a bad day. Reminds me of the Al Pacino character from Scarface. Oh, wait, that is derived from Scarface.

Yeah, I wouldn’t want to see him on a bad day. Reminds me of the Al Pacino character from Scarface. Oh, wait, that is derived from Scarface.

47. Hipster gnome really thinks your android is sow mainstream.

Then again, I always picture hipsters as young people, not with white Santa Claus beards. Still, I'm sure that iPhone cost a fortune for those aren't cheap to buy or have repaired.

Then again, I always picture hipsters as young people, not with white Santa Claus beards. Still, I’m sure that iPhone cost a fortune for those aren’t cheap to buy or have repaired.

48. This undead garden gnome has a strong preference for venison.

Now that's really disgusting. And pretty demented if I do say so myself. Also seems to like his deer meat real raw and bloody.

Now that’s really disgusting. And pretty demented if I do say so myself. Also seems to like his deer meat real raw and bloody.

49. Of course, even the gnomes have to do dirty work once in a while.

Of course, there's a better way to cleaning dog shit than a pooper scooper. It's called leaving it there. Still, I'm not sure about him smoking a cigarette though.

Of course, there’s a better way to cleaning dog shit than a pooper scooper. It’s called leaving it there. Still, I’m not sure about him smoking a cigarette though.

50. Seems like someone has been drinking a little too much wine the night before.

Of course, waking up with a hangover could be worse in some situations other than this. Seems that glass of wine was too big for him for some reason.

Of course, waking up with a hangover could be worse in some situations other than this. Seems that glass of wine was too big for him for some reason.

51. “I am the gnome who knocks.”

Yes, this is a gnome Walter White. However, I'm sure when he got in the meth business, the whole garden gnome neighborhood went to shit. Still, wonder if they have a Jesse Pinkman gnome.

Yes, this is a gnome Walter White. However, I’m sure when he got in the meth business, the whole garden gnome neighborhood went to shit. Still, wonder if they have a Jesse Pinkman gnome.

52. Of course, zombie gnomes always prefer to help themselves to some pink flamingo.

Man, I didn't know those lawn flamingos could bleed. Always assumed they were made from plastic. Pretty demented though.

Man, I didn’t know those lawn flamingos could bleed. Always assumed they were made from plastic. Pretty demented though.

53. Now this gnome is a fine police officer of the law.

If it wasn't for the cone hat, I would've assumed him to be an actual police officer. Love the star badge on his hat though.

If it wasn’t for the cone hat, I would’ve assumed him to be an actual police officer. Love the star badge on his hat though.

54. Of course, while some gnomes are said to protect gardens, this one’s on the move to kill.

Yeah, he has a deadly streak in his eyes as well as murder on the mind. He also has a big machete in his hand as far as I can see. Or maybe it's just a knife.

Yeah, he has a deadly streak in his eyes as well as murder on the mind. He also has a big ass knife in his hand.

55. This gnome family shows us that the family that slays together, stays together.

So while the father is armed with an ax and a dueling flintlock pistol, the mother appears to carry a loaded shotgun and the baby in her back harness. Still, I'm sure the gun he has can't be fired without being reloaded.

So while the father is armed with an ax and a dueling flintlock pistol, the mother appears to carry a loaded shotgun and the baby in her back harness. Still, I’m sure the gun he has can’t be fired without being reloaded.

56. “I’m gonna rock n’roll all night, and garden party every day.”

I may not be a fan of KISS. But when I see them as gnomes or nutcrackers, I have to include such depictions on my blog just for giggles.

I may not be a fan of KISS. But when I see them as gnomes or nutcrackers, I have to include such depictions on my blog just for giggles.

57. Of course, on private matters, some gnomes can be really kinky in the garden.

Now this is pretty disturbing. Didn't know BDSM fetishes could extend to garden gnomes. Of course, I wonder if they have a dominatrix garden gnome to come with him.

Now this is pretty disturbing. Didn’t know BDSM fetishes could extend to garden gnomes. Of course, I wonder if they have a dominatrix garden gnome to come with him.

58. While most gnomes aren’t built like Adonis, this one is totally ripped.

Wonder if he's on any performance enhancing drugs of some sort. I mean most bodybuilders are to some extend. Hell, a lot of athletes are, too like Lance Armstrong.

Wonder if he’s on any performance enhancing drugs of some sort. I mean most bodybuilders are to some extend. Hell, a lot of athletes are, too like Lance Armstrong.

59. Of course, some gardens may contain a naturist gnome lurking around.

I'm sure the beard and belt are in place to cover up his naughty bits. Still, they call it the place where the sun don't shine for a reason.

I’m sure the beard and belt are in place to cover up his naughty bits. Still, they call it the place where the sun don’t shine for a reason.

60. Of course, this ninja gnome is bound to hit anyone with a shovel at any moment.

Actually most ninjas didn't wear black in real life since they functioned like covert agents and snipers. They usually dressed as peasants so the invisibility was psychological. However, this garden gnome ninja is just perfect.

Actually most ninjas didn’t wear black in real life since they functioned like covert agents and snipers. They usually dressed as peasants so the invisibility was psychological. However, this garden gnome ninja is just perfect.

61. Finally, a garden gnome promising change I can believe in.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure whether this Obama gnome is wearing a cone hat. Then again, maybe it was how this picture was photographed.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure whether this Obama gnome is wearing a cone hat. Then again, maybe it was how this picture was photographed.

62. Seems like someone either doesn’t like flamingos or likes to eat them for dinner.

Now this is just demented if you really think about it. But I kind of find the gnome using the cleaver to behead a flamingo quite amusing, in a sick and twisted kind of way.

Now this is just demented if you really think about it. But I kind of find the gnome using the cleaver to behead a flamingo quite amusing, in a sick and twisted kind of way.

63. Like they say, it’s not over until the fat lady sings.

However, I have no idea why she'd wear a bikini and rabbit ears. I mean it doesn't seem like appropriate attire for an opera singer as far as I'm concerned.

However, I have no idea why she’d wear a bikini and rabbit ears. I mean it doesn’t seem like appropriate attire for an opera singer as far as I’m concerned.

64. Seems like the gnomes really take to skate boarding and its cultural trimmings these days.

Oldest looking skater boy I've ever seen. Also, shouldn't he be wearing a helmet? I mean he shouldn't want to risk a head injury.

Oldest looking skater boy I’ve ever seen. Also, shouldn’t he be wearing a helmet? I mean he shouldn’t want to risk a head injury.

65. Of course, you still have to face some obstacles even in places where no gnome has gone before.

Seems like Captain Kirk and Gorn are about to go at it in this. One of the most memorable moments in Star Trek history. Also, Gorn almost looks no different.

Seems like Captain Kirk and Gorn are about to go at it in this. One of the most memorable moments in Star Trek history. Also, Gorn almost looks no different.

66. Of course, you are all cordially invited to attend this royal gnome wedding.

So let me get this straight. The groom is already wearing a gone hat on his head. So why is he holding a top hat that's obviously too small for him? I don't get it. Don't get it at all.

So let me get this straight. The groom is already wearing a gone hat on his head. So why is he holding a top hat that’s obviously too small for him? I don’t get it. Don’t get it at all.

67. Of course, even in the gnome world, it seems that certain Starfleet members are more expendable than others.

Of course, for those who know anything about Star Trek: The Original Series, you'd be familiar with the term, "redshirt." Of course, in Star Trek, if a previously unknown Starfleet character wears a red shirt, there's a strong chance that he's never coming back.

Of course, for those who know anything about Star Trek: The Original Series, you’d be familiar with the term, “redshirt.” Of course, in Star Trek, if a previously unknown Starfleet character wears a red shirt, there’s a strong chance that he’s never coming back.

68. For the Japanese garden, these ninja and sumo wrestling gnomes will do you great service.

I don't know about you. But they seem more or less resemble the Seven Dwarfs than anything from Japan. And I don't think either of them have any Asian features either.

I don’t know about you. But they seem more or less resemble the Seven Dwarfs than anything from Japan. And I don’t think either of them have any Asian features either.

69. Seems like this guy has come straight out of Gnomeland Security.

Then again, he could be a sheriff or state trooper. Still, I'm sure intruders wouldn't want to mess with him.

Then again, he could be a sheriff or state trooper. Still, I’m sure intruders wouldn’t want to mess with 

70. I call this one, “the Skanky Bride Gnome.”

Yeah, I don't really care for swimsuit weddings. But I'm not sure why she'd have that set up for the bottoms. Oh, wait, is that her underwear? So why isn't she wearing a dress, then?

Yeah, I don’t really care for swimsuit weddings. But I’m not sure why she’d have that set up for the bottoms. Oh, wait, is that her underwear? So why isn’t she wearing a dress, then?

71. For a Stripper Gnome, she sure knows her way around a pole.

I might've posted a picture with this one before on my lawn ornament post last year. Still, it's quite funny and worth giving a closer look to. Also, I lover her glasses, by the way.

I might’ve posted a picture with this one before on my lawn ornament post last year. Still, it’s quite funny and worth giving a closer look to. Also, I lover her glasses, by the way. Kind of similar to how many would imagine strippers in the Harry Potter world to look like in some respect.

72. Unlike some garden gnomes, this tiki one belongs in his island garden paradise.

Okay, pretty sure that's a pretty offensive stereotype here. I mean blue paint, tusks in nose, shrunken head, grass skirt, staff, etc. Kind of reminds me of the savage natives you'd see in movies.

Okay, pretty sure that’s a pretty offensive stereotype here. I mean blue paint, tusks in nose, shrunken head, grass skirt, staff, etc. Kind of reminds me of the savage natives you’d see in movies.

73. Seems like these two gnombres are having a fiesta.

Love the mariachi hat and the turned boots. Still, shouldn't the lady's hair be free flowing? It just seems off that she's wearing a cone hat.

Love the mariachi hat and the turned boots. Still, shouldn’t the lady’s hair be free flowing? It just seems off that she’s wearing a cone hat.

74. I’m sure these gnomes of horror movie villains will make a killer addition to your garden.

Seems like this ensemble includes many of the slasher-horror favorites. There's Freddy and Jason as well as Leatherface. And I'm not sure who that one in the mask is. Really not sure.

Seems like this ensemble includes many of the slasher-horror favorites. There’s Freddy and Jason as well as Leatherface. And I’m not sure who that one in the mask is. Really not sure.

75. These two gnomes are on a mission from God.

Yes, these are gnomes of the Blues Brothers from 1970s SNL. Look pretty much like the originals save for the beards and cone hats. But you know what they say about garden gnomes though.

Yes, these are gnomes of the Blues Brothers from 1970s SNL. Look pretty much like the originals save for the beards and cone hats. But you know what they say about garden gnomes though.

76. Of course, you’d need a strong Viking warrior gnome to defend your garden.

Unlike some Viking depictions, at least this one doesn't have helmet horns for a change. Of course, he does have a wooden hammer and a white beard.

Unlike some Viking depictions, at least this one doesn’t have helmet horns for a change. Of course, he does have a wooden hammer and a white beard.

77. Presenting the royal gnomes.

Now that obviously has to be a take off of Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip. Of course, the Prince Philip one is depicted in traditional gnome fashion.

Now that obviously has to be a take off of Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip. Of course, the Prince Philip one is depicted in traditional gnome fashion.

78. Of course, even gnomes could be prone to worshipping the devil or listening to death metal music.

Now that looks quite terrifying. I don't mean the hat with the upside down cross. I mean the fact that his face and beard are painted like that which terrifies me.

Now that looks quite terrifying. I don’t mean the hat with the upside down cross. I mean the fact that his face and beard are painted like that which terrifies me.

79. Now this steampunk garden gnome seems to come fully automated.

Now is this an automaton or a gnome in a metal encased suit? Perhaps we'll never know for sure. Like the drill head though.

Now is this an automaton or a gnome in a metal encased suit? Perhaps we’ll never know for sure. Like the drill head though.

80. Of course, these Star Trek gnomes will allow your garden to go where no man has gone before.

Of course, I'm so used to Kirk and Spock being so clean shaven and thin (well, for the most part). Still, I wonder whether they have gnomes of the rest of the main cast as well. Maybe I'll never know for sure.

Of course, I’m so used to Kirk and Spock being so clean shaven and thin (well, for the most part). Still, I wonder whether they have gnomes of the rest of the main cast as well. Maybe I’ll never know for sure.

Family Unfriendly Board Games: Part 10 -Who’s Your Daddy? to Colossal Arena

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Note: The opening images in this series aren’t of real games by the way. They’re just photoshopped pictures I’ve obtained through various websites. But they kind of emphasize that these games I’m featuring aren’t meant for families for various reasons.

Okay, we’ve reached the final post of my series of family unfriendly board games. I hope you enjoyed reading all the stuff about the bad board games out there which are offensive, outdated, tacky, boring, or just plain stupid. Of course, I’ve had this idea for quite some time but I had to put up posts for the holidays and early summer. But since nothing is going on between the 4th of July and August, this time provides a good window for me. But, if we can be thankful of anything in the gaming world, it’s that many of these board games aren’t around anymore, especially the ones targeted to kids and the tie-in stuff. Well, at least no longer in print but you can probably get most of them off Amazon or Etsy. So without further adieu, here is the final installment of my series of family unfriendly board games.

91. Who’s Your Daddy?

Now this is a game in which players are either women trying to have kids to as many men as possible to get child support or men trying to avoid paying the court-mandated payments. Let's just say the only thing good about this game is the chance to do your best Jerry Springer or Maury Povich impression. Other than that, it's a game that's trashy beyond all description.

Now this is a game in which players are either women trying to have kids to as many men as possible to get child support or men trying to avoid paying the court-mandated payments. Let’s just say the only thing good about this game is the chance to do your best Jerry Springer or Maury Povich impression. Other than that, it’s a game that’s trashy beyond all description.

Category: Humor, Negotiation, Party, Dice Rolling

Players: 4-12

Contents: booklet, dice, pencils, scoresheets, fake money

Object: Players play both a man and a woman during turns. As the woman, the player is trying to have as many kids to as many different men as possible who they will sue for child support if she can successfully pin paternity on them. As the man, the player is denying paternity in order to avoid the court-ordered payments. Player who still has money wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I have no idea why anyone would come up with this sleazy idea that’s a mainstay staple of the trashy daytime talk show. Then again, it was released in 2001.

Why it’s not: Let’s just say thanks to daytime talk shows and derogatory stereotypes of greedy welfare mothers and irresponsible deadbeat dads, paternity suits don’t really have great connotations these days. In fact, this game’s very premise is so horrible to defy description that the only benefit of this game is that it gives the opportunity to give your best Maury Povich impersonation.

Available?: Hopefully not.

92. Baby Boomer: Tactical Survival in the Household

Baby Boomer is the kind of game in which you play either the parents or a cop trying to get an automatic weapon from a toddler's hands before someone gets killed. On the bright side, it's actually a very effective and convincing argument for gun control.

Baby Boomer is the kind of game in which you play either the parents or a cop trying to get an automatic weapon from a toddler’s hands before someone gets killed. On the bright side, it’s actually a very effective and convincing argument for gun control.

Category: Roll/Spin and Move

Players:1-3

Contents: dice, paper tabs, some paper pieces, hallway map

Object: Players represent Mom, Dad, and Officer Bill. Goal is for players to try to get them down the hallway before baby blows them up with a fully loaded Krup 9000, 16 shot, Near Silenced, Semi Auto pistol. Dog is the first victim.

Why they thought it was a good idea: For God’s sake, I have no idea why someone would think this would make a good board game.

Why it’s not: For fuck’s sake, this game is built around the premise of a toddler grabbing hold of a fully loaded automatic weapon. Now other than being an unintentional promotion for gun control, this baby is being raised by very irresponsible parents who don’t know shit about gun safety. Seriously, someone really needs to call Child Services on this one. Still, what kind of sadistic person would design a game like this? That’s insane!

Available?: No.

93. The Junkie Game

In the Junkie Game, players are heroin addicts in which they lose their job as well as suffer other negative consequences of drug addiction. Works like a reverse Monopoly. Nevertheless, it's a rather depressing game.

In the Junkie Game, players are heroin addicts in which they lose their job as well as suffer other negative consequences of drug addiction. Works like a reverse Monopoly. Nevertheless, it’s a rather depressing game.

Category: Economic, Educational, Roll/Spin and Move, Simulation

Players: 2-7

Contents: game board, cards, fake money

Object: Players represent heroin addicts who lose money, their jobs, and possessions throughout the course of play. When a player is unemployed, hustles help replace player income. They can also use Wisdom and Hassle cards as well. But as the game progresses, players are likely to acquire expensive habits requiring more money to maintain as well as suffer job loss, arrests, and negative consequences of board spaces. Player who survives the longest wins. Works kind of like a reverse Monopoly.

Why they thought it was a good idea: It was released in 1972 as a way to illustrate the destructive nature of drug addiction.

Why it’s not: Because drug addiction isn’t a fun subject since the real life junkie game is always a losing proposition. In fact, making it a board game subject is depressing, even without the prostitution and codependency issues. You’d have more fun watching The Wire than playing this.

Available?: Thankfully no.

94. The Senior Prom Game

To be fair, this game came out in the 1950s. But still, being a prom queen isn't a great aspiration for girls. This is especially true if their high school doesn't have one.

To be fair, this game came out in the 1950s. But still, being a prom queen isn’t a great aspiration for girls. This is especially true if their high school doesn’t have one. Also, neglects the realities of slutty dresses and teen pregnancy.

Category: Roll/Spin and Move, Children

Players:2-4

Contents: game board, player markers, spinner, 16 cardboard circles

Object: Players must attain the status of “Prom Queen” by obtaining 4 circles saying “Date,” “Grades,” “Formal,” and “Dance” in order to be qualified as a candidate along with landing on the space stating, “Selected Candidate for Prom Queen.” After that, each candidate must place their marker on a numbered star. First player to make it that far and spin the number matching their star space wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, it was made in the 1950s when prom in many ways would be the highlight of many teenage girls’ lives.

Why it’s not: For one, the game is stupid with spaces like “Meet new boy at game. Wow! Run ahead 3 spaces,” “Dance with T.V. idol at sock hop. Move ahead 6 spaces,” and “Study for finals with boy friend. Move ahead 2 spaces.”. Second, let’s just say aspiring to be prom queen isn’t a great one for girls, particularly if their school district doesn’t have one. Also, it’s kind of disturbing that it’s recommended for girls between 7-12. But unlike the real thing, there’s no risk for slutty dresses or teenage pregnancy involved with this game.

Available?: No.

95. Bigfoot: The Game

Now this is a game in which prospectors try to escape the monstrous wrath of dreaded Bigfoot in Alaska. Nevertheless, Bigfoot isn't a snow monster for God's sake. Seriously, Bigfoot is said to be in the Pacific Northwest.

Now this is a game in which prospectors try to escape the monstrous wrath of dreaded Bigfoot in Alaska. Nevertheless, Bigfoot isn’t a snow monster for God’s sake. Seriously, Bigfoot is said to be in the Pacific Northwest forests.

Category: Monsters, Children, Mythology, Roll/Spin and Move

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, Bigfoot model, 10 plastic discs depicting footprints and blanks, player tokens, dice

Object: Players represent gold prospectors in Alaska who have sighted the dreaded Bigfoot. Players have 2 tokens and must move either at the roll of the dice. If the player token lands on a Bigfoot space, player rolls the dice again and moves the creature to full count. If the creature moves onto a player’s token, then a disc is put on that space. If it reveals footprints, then the token is out of the game. Last surviving player wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I have no idea. It was made in 1977 so I can rule it out as being a tie-in to Harry and the Hendersons or that Bigfoot show on the History Channel.

Why it’s not: Not sure if a Bigfoot slaughtering innocents translates into fun, family entertainment. Also, Bigfoot isn’t really a snow monster.

Available?: No.

96. Leaping Lemmings

In Leaping Lemmings, players race their lemmings to the coast so they can dive off from cliffs. But watch out for the eagles. Basically murderous and suicidal fun for the whole family. Oh, wait, lemmings don't commit suicide. Damn you, Disney!

In Leaping Lemmings, players race their lemmings to the coast so they can dive off from cliffs. But watch out for the eagles. Basically murderous and suicidal fun for the whole family. Oh, wait, lemmings don’t commit suicide. Damn you, Disney!

Category: Animals, Humor, Racing, Dice Rolling, Hex-and-Counter

Players: 2-6

Contents: 2 Eagle dice, mounted map game board, 101 counters, 6 Clan player aid cards, deck of 55 cards

Object: Players control their own clan of specially bred and trained lemmings to compete with other clans, all trying to scurry down a canyon and throw themselves over a cliff. Distance and style points are important. One lemming diving with elan and style is worth 5 mundane divers. But players should be wary of eagles who might get to them first. At each term a movement card is revealed allowing for a 2-5 lemming movement points. But only the top lemming in each stack is allowed to move. Players can also use Special Action Cards to alter the rules to their advantage and their opponent’s detriment. Player with the most victory points wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, this was released in 2010. So your guess is as good as mine.

Why it’s not: While this is certainly a family friendly game, lemmings have been subject to many misconceptions that are still widely believed. For instance, thanks to some documentary shenanigans by Disney and others during the 1950s as well as their chaotic population fluctuations, it’s been widely believed that lemmings commit mass suicide by jumping off cliff. However, cliff jumping is a result of lemming migratory dispersal, not suicide. Lemmings can swim and may choose to cross a body of water in search of a new habitat. But sometimes they drown due to the body of water being so wide which stretches their physical capability to the limit. As for the population fluctuations, it’s now said to be based on predators, food, climate, and others. However, thanks to the mass suicide myth, a game pertaining to lemming cliff jumping might carry some unfortunate implications to some. Doesn’t help that reviews call this a murder and suicide fest either. Still, suicide fest or not, it’s still a pretty gory game.

Available?: Yes.

97. Sealed with a Kiss Game

In this game, players collect "kisses" on their "boyfriend's" picture which are marked with a "kisser" stamper. Of course, it's a stupid game targeted to preteen and teenage girls, obviously.

In this game, players collect “kisses” on their “boyfriend’s” picture which are marked with a “kisser” stamper. Of course, it’s a stupid game targeted to preteen and teenage girls, obviously.

Category: Children

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, spinner, 4 pawns, 4 picture frames, 4 plastic sheets, 6 double-sided boyfriend photos, 1 kiss stamper

Object: Players get one of 12 boyfriend photos which they put in a frame and move a around the board collecting kisses. When a player wins a kiss, they use a special “kisser” stamper to stamp the boyfriend’s photo. However, sometimes players can lose kisses, take kisses, or even trade boyfriends.  First player to collect 5 kisses wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Game developer wanted to appeal to a pre-teen girl demographic, I guess. Seriously, such shit was made for them.

Why it’s not: For one, it basically teaches girls that boys are more important during their teenage years than say, getting good grades to get into college. Second, it’s stupid. Third, it gives girls unrealistic expectations in boys.

Available?: No.

98. Electronic Mall Madness

Now this is a game targeted to preteen and teenage girls in which players shop for items at the mall with an unlimited supply of cash. Of course, this game doesn't have any perception of real world economics.

Now this is a game targeted to preteen and teenage girls in which players shop for items at the mall with an unlimited supply of cash. Of course, this game doesn’t have any perception of real world economics.

Category: Children, Economic, Electronic, Roll/Spin and Move

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, electronic computer, 4 rubber pads, 4 shopping lists, 6 plastic wall pieces, 2 sale signs, 1 clearance sign, 8 plastic pawns, 40 plastic pegs, fake money, 4 credit cards, 29 pieces of cardboard

Object: Players are mall shoppers in which an electronic computer tells them the best deals and where to move. Goal is for players to purchase 6-10 items on their lists and get back to the parking lot. Access to ATM takes a whole turn, however.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Not sure, guess they think that teenage girls like shopping at the mall.

Why it’s not: It’s a highly materialistic game that teaches girls that there are no real life consequences to maxing out their parents’ credit cards and they’re a source of endless money supply. Also, shopping at the mall is expensive. Besides, it’s highly sexist with its obvious targeting at teenage girls suggesting that they like shopping at the mall. Hey, I’m female and most of the time, I hate shopping.

Available?: Not sure. Might be an online game. It has multiple versions since 1989.

99. Junta

In this game, players represent officers in a junta where they choose El Presidente who rewards them with offices and money. Involves lying, exile, backstabbing, assassination, and other dirty stuff. Certainly not recommended for families of any kind.

In this game, players represent officers in a junta where they choose El Presidente who rewards them with offices and money. Involves lying, exile, backstabbing, assassination, and other dirty stuff. Certainly not recommended for families of any kind.

Category: Bluffing, Humor, War, Mafia, Negotiation, Political, Dice Rolling

Players: 2-7

Contents: a giant mounted full-color map, deck of 78 cards, 3 dice, 148 counters, fake money

Object: Players represent various office holders in the ruling junta. Depending on office and various cards they hold, each player has a certain number of votes which help them choose El Presidente and the budget he or she proposes. El Presidente then distributes the money as he or she sees fit amongst the various offices. Loyalty is usually rewarded while pesky “thorns on side” are completely cut off. But he or she can and usually does keep some of the loot for his or herself with no one knowing the value drawn. Thus, players must attempt to assassinate opponents by guessing where they will be among 5 locations. Players who successfully kill another player, take their opponent’s money but must survive the assassination round to put it in a Swiss bank account. Also, unhappy players can call for a coup with the opposition trying to take control of a majority of power centers with rebels facing El Presidente’s forces. Player who amasses the most money secreted away in a Swiss bank account wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, it was probably inspired by the Banana Republic dictatorships in Latin America which it parodies when it was first released in 1975.

Why it’s not: Well, despite that it has quite a following, it also involves backstabbing, assassination, lying, exile, and other dirty stuff. Also, can take as long as 6 hours. Not for families or the faint hearted.

Available?: Well, it’s gone through a lot of versions.

100. Colossal Arena

Colossal Arena is a game where spectators take bets on battles between mythological creatures. Kind of like a mythological version of the gladiatorial games and whatever Michael Vick was doing.

Colossal Arena is a game where spectators take bets on battles between mythological creatures. Kind of like a mythological version of the gladiatorial games and whatever Michael Vick was doing.

Category: Card, Fantasy, Mythology

Players: 2-5

Contents: Deck of 163 cards or one of 110 cards with a draw discard tray, 25 wagering chips

Object: Players represent spectators cheering and betting on the melee ongoing in a fantasy arena/colosseum in which fantasy creatures are pitted against each other in battle. In each round one of the creatures will die. To decide which unlucky soul should, players put numbered power cards in front of the creatures with the lowest one going to the grave. Players’ place bets throughout the game will sometimes allow them to use a creature’s special power in battle. Bettor who rakes in the most winnings is the victor.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, I’m sure betting with fantasy creatures seemed like a great way for people to know about mythological creatures, according to one developer.

Why it’s not: Of course, the only thing that seems to make this game acceptable is that these are fantasy creatures in a Roman arena. Of course, monster battles might be awesome yet are nevertheless animals. Keep in mind it pertains to people betting on animals to fight, which shouldn’t be encouraged. Also, involves gambling.

Available?: Hopefully not.

Family Unfriendly Board Games: Part 9 – Swivel to Dr. Laura Game

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Note: The opening images in this series aren’t of real games by the way. They’re just photoshopped pictures I’ve obtained through various websites. But they kind of emphasize that these games I’m featuring aren’t meant for families for various reasons.

Now we’re closing in on the end. Of course, like most forms of media out there, some board games may live forever while others are just “period pieces” that might seem a good idea at the time, but they don’t age well. And then there are board games in which you have to wonder what the hell they were thinking. Still, before the age of the Internet you might see a lot of good board games like Monopoly and Scrabble as well as the like. But you also have stuff that’s racist, sexist, and very politically incorrect. For instance, the Gay Monopoly game might’ve been quite all right when released in the 1970s, but nowadays, not so much. Not to mention, it also neglects the lives of lesbians but in the 1970s that would’ve been forgiven since the people at the forefront of the Gay Rights Movement at the time were gay men. This might be the same for all the girl games that came out in the 1950s and 1960s which most people today would find inherently sexist. So for your reading pleasure here is the penultimate installment to my series of family unfriendly board games.

81. Swivel

Like Groop Loop, Swivel also inspires some degree of family friendly bondage and randy horseplay. Yet, the difference with this one is that the players have to knock off opponents' cones and they tie ropes around their waists with pendulums in the middle.

Like Groop Loop, Swivel also inspires some degree of family friendly bondage and randy horseplay. Yet, the difference with this one is that the players have to knock off opponents’ cones and they tie ropes around their waists with pendulums in the middle.

Category: Action/Dexterity

Players: 4

Contents: game mat, cones, pendulum, ropes, straps

Object: Players have a rope tied at their waists which is tied to a central pendulum. Players pivot their bodies trying to swing the pendulum so that it knocks down their opponent’s pins but not their own.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Hell, if I know the answer to that. It was created by Milton Bradley in 1972 so probably the influence of drugs.

Why it’s not: Let’s just say it inspires randy horseplay. Really not the kind of game you want to play with your family. Seriously, it’s an awkward situation waiting to happen.

Available?: No.

82. Let’s Be Safe!

Though supposed to stimulate discussions about safety between parents and children, I'm not sure if this game would be something you'd want to play on a Friday night. Of course, some contents of this game is rather depressing as I've described.

Though supposed to stimulate discussions about safety between parents and children, I’m not sure if this game would be something you’d want to play on a Friday night. Of course, some contents of this game is rather depressing as I’ve described.

Category: Children, Educational, Memory, Roll/Spin and Move

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, cards, spinner, player pawns

Object: A game about safety in which players spin a spinner and move that many spaces. Cards are also matched. Players are asked questions about safety and game actively encourages discussions about the subject.

Why they thought it was a good idea: It was meant to teach children about safety during the 1980s. Particularly when it comes to discussing safety issues with parents in a fun, relaxed, manner.

Why it’s not: While it’s supposed to bring discussion of safety issues between parents and children in a fun and relaxed manner, I’m not sure if that’s the case here. A couple card samples:  “A stranger offers you a ride in his dirty black van. Go back five spaces and pick a Therapy Card,” and “Your kite is stuck in a power line.  Lose a limb – and a turn.” I guess board games aren’t a great way to discuss safety issues are they?

Available?: No, thank God.

83. After the Holocaust

The kind of board game in which players try to survive after a thermonuclear war between the US and the Soviet Union. Said to be unwinnable and not the kind of post-apocalyptic fun for the whole family.

The kind of board game in which players try to survive after a thermonuclear war between the US and the Soviet Union. Said to be unwinnable and not the kind of post-apocalyptic fun for the whole family.

Category: Economic, Hex-and-Counter

Players: 3-4

Contents: 2 hexagonal grid map boards, 400 counters, 4 charts and tabs sheets, 144 money pieces, 2 dice

Object: Basically set in the US 20 years after a thermonuclear war with the Soviet Union. Players control one region of North America and part of Canada consisting of the Northeast, Midwest, Southwest, and Far West. Has 5 distinct rounds consisting of Production, Trade, Consumption, Political and Military, and Financial. Also between the 4th and 8th turns, population increases by 10%. Players can establish taxes, control fuel, manipulate labor, or battle their opponents.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, this was published in 1977 with the Cold War going on (but not like in the 1950s and 1960s).

Why it’s not: Well, for one it’s said that this game is unwinnable. Second, I’m sure post-apocalyptic survival game isn’t appropriate fun for the whole family. Besides, I’m sure a nuclear war would leave very few survivors.

Available?: No.

84. Gooey Louie

Gooey Louie is a game in which players try to pull boogers out of a guy's head save for the one that makes his brains pop. Disgusting? I'll say. Said to appeal to all ages (though I beg to differ).

Gooey Louie is a game in which players try to pull boogers out of a guy’s head save for the one that makes his brains pop. Disgusting? I’ll say. Said to appeal to all ages (though I beg to differ).

Category: Action/Dexterity, Party

Players: 4-8

Contents: Louie head, gooeys, , die

Object: Pull the gooeys out of Louie and win. Watch his brain pop out when the special gooey gets picked.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I have absolutely no explanation for that one. Came out in 1995.

Why it’s not: Well, in involves pulling things out of a guy’s nose. Also has brains popping out. Definitely not the kind of game you want to play with the whole family who might be grossed out by it.

Available?: Not sure.

85. Dynamite Shack

The game in which large thumbs and sticking explosives into a shake is said to create an explosive good time. Of course, you couldn't say much if played with the real things.

The game in which large thumbs and sticking explosives into a shake is said to create an explosive good time. Of course, you couldn’t say much if played with the real things.

Category: Action/Dexterity, Children, Racing

Players: 2-4

Contents: dynamite shack box, dynamite plastic sticks, plastic thumbs, cards

Object: With oversized thumbs, players try to put dynamite stacks into a shack before it blows up.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I don’t know. It was made in 1968 by Milton Bradley. So your guess is as good as mine. Drugs?

Why it’s not: Well, other than the explosive premise, I wonder if some of the stuff can fly everywhere when the shack blows up. Also, let’s just say playing the game with the real shack and real dynamite wouldn’t go so well.

Available?: No.

86. Legal Decision

Legal Decision is a game that shows players how the legal system works in less time than actual court proceedings. But it sometimes seems that way while playing it because it looks quite dull.

Legal Decision is a game that shows players how the legal system works in less time than actual court proceedings. But it sometimes seems that way while playing it because it looks quite dull.

Category: Roll/Spin and Move, Educational

Players: 3-6

Contents: game board, decks of cards, jury box, player pawns, die, certificate, score sheets, cardboard pieces

Object: Players participate in a courtroom trial in roles of the defense attorney, prosecutor, jury foreman, judge, and others. Witnesses testify, cross-examination may change testimony, juror’s sympathy can be swayed, and new evidence can be introduced. Drama builds as jury moves toward its verdict.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Guess someone wanted to educate people about the legal system, particularly the flaws.

Why it’s not: For one, it’s difficult to recreate real court proceedings since they tend to be horribly long. Second, it’s entirely governed by luck. Third, it’s said to highlight a single case where evidence is clearly insufficient and conviction is fairly likely.

Available?: No.

87. Antiques Roadshow: the Game

Based on the hit PBS TV Show, this game would sure make a good time for fans, antique dealers, and antique collectors. For everyone else, not so much. Probably should get the Downton Abbey board game instead.

Based on the hit PBS TV Show, this game would sure make a good time for fans, antique dealers, and antique collectors. For everyone else, not so much. Probably should get the Downton Abbey board game instead.

Category: Card, Auction/Bidding

Players: 2-4

Contents: Deck of cards

Object: Players are given a hand of 2 different types of cards such as 10 value cards and 3 Antique speak cards. Goal is to get rid of all cards in their hands. During a turn, the player selects an antique card and chooses a value from their hand to correspond to what the player thinks is worth. Once done, the player reads 2 stories printed on the back of the cards with one true, the other false. Once the stories are read, all the players will vote on which one is true. The true story and actual value are revealed. Game ends when a player is out of cards.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, it’s a tie-in to a PBS show called Antiques Roadshow, which is still running.

Why it’s not: This is more of a trivia game for antique dealers, collectors, and diehard fans than anything. It’s also very much luck based as well. Also, incredibly stupid.

Available?: Hopefully not.

88. Crocodile Pool Party

In this game, players are charged with trying to save swimmers from the crocodiles and the crocodiles from each other. Of course, though recommended for ages 8 and up, I'm sure as hell wouldn't recommend it for families in Florida.

In this game, players are charged with trying to save swimmers from the crocodiles and the crocodiles from each other. Of course, though recommended for ages 8 and up, I’m sure as hell wouldn’t recommend it for families in Florida.

Category: Animals, Racing, Abstract Strategy

Players: 2

Contents: game board, 12 swimmer/crocodile tiles

Object: Crocodiles are let loose in the swimming pool and are attacking swimmers as well as each other. First player to bring all the crocodiles and swimmers to safety wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Believe it or not, this came out in 1968 and is recommended for ages 8 and up. Other than that, I’m not sure.

Why it’s not: I’m not sure if a game about crocs devouring swimmers in a pool is great for a family game night. This is especially true if you live in New Orleans or Florida where a croc infestation in your swimming pool is a thing you have to worry about. Also, it’s said to be a 2 player game.

Available?: It’s been through a few versions.

89. Prison Bitch

Now this is a game which is supposed to be a take off on male prison life as well as a very politically incorrect one. Was actually banned from a game convention due to its depiction of prison rape. Hasn't stopped others though.

Now this is a game which is supposed to be a take off on male prison life as well as a very politically incorrect one. Was actually banned from a game convention due to its depiction of prison rape. Hasn’t stopped others though.

Category: Fighting, Horror, Mature/Adult, Card, Dice Rolling

Players: 2-4

Contents: Decks of cards, dice

Object: Players assume character decks and portray a male prison inmate competing for top dog within their prison cell. Players can recruit bitches, gather a gang of thugs to attack other players, as well as use event cards like Parole, Trip to the Infirmary, and Thugs on Dope to effect or eliminate opposing Thugs. Players must defeat opponents either in combat or reducing their Reputation points to zero.

Why they thought it was a good idea: It’s supposed to be a satire on the male prison system and released in 2003. Apparently created by a fan of The Shawshank Redemption.

Why it’s not: It was banned from the 2003 Origins Game Faire for being too offensive. Besides, I’m not sure if mocking what goes on in male prisons is a good idea, especially with the title of “Prison Bitch.” This is especially true if it contains prison rape and it doesn’t help that people joke about it.

Available?: I’m not sure, but it didn’t stop others from creating games pertaining to prison rape.

90. Dr. Laura Game

For those who like trashy daytime talk shows and Fox News, say hello to the Dr. Laura Game. It's the one Cracked labeled as "the worst board game ever made." Of course, Dr. Laura is said to be quite a bitch, to put it mildly.

For those who like trashy daytime talk shows and Fox News, say hello to the Dr. Laura Game. It’s the one Cracked labeled as “the worst board game ever made.” Of course, Dr. Laura is said to be quite a bitch, to put it mildly.

Category: Educational

Players: 3-6

Contents: cards, game board, die

Object: Players use cards to guess Dr. Laura’s responses to callers to try to give an answer that the others would like better determined by vote. Based on the talk show of Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I guess Dr. Laura was a popular radio host at the time. It was released in 1997.

Why it’s not: Cracked has called this the “worst board game of all time.” Also, Dr. Laura is basically known for letting callers talk for 2 sentences before telling them that everything is their fault as well as going on a rant about people like them. Let’s just say she’s so mean-spirited and trashy she makes Jerry Springer and Maury Povich look like altar boys.

Available?: No.

Family Unfriendly Board Games: Part 8 – Power Lunch to Emira

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

icicle_bob_01

Note: The opening images in this series aren’t of real games by the way. They’re just photoshopped pictures I’ve obtained through various websites. But they kind of emphasize that these games I’m featuring aren’t meant for families for various reasons.

Now to have a game you need an object as well as rules to follow and a method of play. If a game is on a board, then you need a way to navigate like a spinner or a dice. If it’s a card, then you need a way for those cards to be played. Sometimes the rules are straightforward and make sense. And sometimes they’re stupid and complicated. Of course, this doesn’t stop people from creating games based on some concepts that probably shouldn’t be such as taxes, legal cases, or restaurant seating. Of course, such aspects might seem exciting to some, but in reality they tend to be boring. And in some board games, that’s exactly how it is. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they make a board game based on working at retail or maintaining infrastructure. Of course, there are plenty of boring games out there. So for your lazy reading pleasure, here is another installment of my series on family unfriendly board games.

71. Power Lunch

Power Lunch: The game where players help organize seating arrangements for a restaurant event. Very interesting stuff. Not really.

Power Lunch: The game where players help organize seating arrangements for a restaurant event. Very interesting stuff. Not really.

Category: Card, Political Voting

Players: 2-6

Contents: game board, cards

Object: Players attempt to score points by melding personality cards onto the restaurant playing board. If cards are not in sets or sequences, then players need to give a reason why they’d be sitting together. After players empty their hands or when all tables are closed, points are scored.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I don’t know. Guess they thought making a seating chart with celebrities would be fun.

Why it’s not: Celebrities or not, making a seating chart for a gala isn’t really fun, board game form or not. The guy who created it must be amused by paint drying, grass growing, or golf.

Available?: Not sure. This was released in 1994.

72. Pass Out

Now this is a board game where players have to be the first to collect 10 pink elephant cards to win. However, despite the disclaimer of "Not intended for use with Alcoholic Beverages," I'm sure it's ignored. Still, I don't recommend drinking games because they're perfect ways to encourage binging.

Now this is a board game where players have to be the first to collect 10 pink elephant cards to win. However, despite the disclaimer of “Not intended for use with Alcoholic Beverages,” I’m sure it’s ignored. Still, I don’t recommend drinking games because they’re perfect ways to encourage binging.

Category: Humor, Mature/Adult, Trivia, Roll/Spin and Move

Players: 2-6

Contents: game board, 6 pawns, decks of cards, 2 dice

Object: Reminiscent of a college drinking game. Players roll and move around the board taking a drink when the board square instructs. Each time a player passes start, they must take a “Pink Elephant” card containing a tongue twister. Player gains the card if they recite it successfully. First player to obtain 10 “Pink Elephant” cards wins. Also, there’s a disclaimer that says: “Not intended for use with Alcoholic Beverages.”

Why they thought it was a good idea: I don’t know. I’m sure somebody had the idea of a drinking board game in college. It was released in 1962.

Why it’s not: Hate to sound prudish, but even among mature audiences I wouldn’t recommend drinking games to anybody. Now I don’t have anything against drinking. It’s just that drinking games tend to lead to binging which makes people a danger to themselves and to others. Not to mention, people who binge drink are known to be targets of crimes as well. It’s best recommended that adults should drink no more than 3-4 drinks a day. Participants in drinking games usually consume more, perhaps much more. This could cause serious health problems, birth defects, alcoholism, and sudden death. And despite the disclaimer, I’m sure most people would play this game with alcohol, particularly on college campuses.

Available?: I sure hope not.

73. Quo Vadis?

Move your politicians up to the Roman Senate through political manipulation, cutting deals, and backstabbing. Beware the Ides of March on this one as Julius Caesar failed to learn. Of course, I wouldn't recommend this to families.

Move your politicians up to the Roman Senate through political manipulation, cutting deals, and backstabbing. Beware the Ides of March on this one as Julius Caesar failed to learn. Of course, I wouldn’t recommend this to families.

Category: Negotiation, Political, Point to Point Movement, Trading, Voting

Players:3-5

Contents: game board, 40 senators, 65 laurel tokens, 1 Caesar token, 7 special tokens

Object: Players are represented on the board with a group of politicians moving through a network of committees, and need to seek support from their competitors to advance up toward the Senate. Supporting an opponent gives players prestige which is necessary by the end of the game. Once all 5 Senate positions are filled, the game is over and only players who have a politician in the Senate are eligible to win. And of those players whoever has the most prestige wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Perhaps it was developed by someone who wanted to illustrate the political process of Ancient Rome.

Why it’s not: Let’s not kid ourselves, this is a game of political manipulation with players being forced to cut deals with each other. Also encourages backstabbing. May be great for political science and history majors but not so much for families or playdates.

Available?: No.

74. Ring Around the Nosey

Of course, this is a game where players try to catch their colored rings through wearing elephant masks. Sure kids might like it (but I doubt it). But yeah, it looks pretty stupid.

Of course, this is a game where players try to catch their colored rings through wearing elephant masks. Sure kids might like it (but I doubt it). But yeah, it looks pretty stupid.

Category: Action/Dexterity, Children, Set Collection, Pick-Up and Deliver

Players: 2-4

Contents: game mat, 4 elephant masks, 4 trunks, 4 adjustable straps, 12 rings

Object: Players wear a plastic elephant trunk and ears mask to pick up all 3 of their color rings to win. And they do this with their plastic trunks.

Why they thought it was a good idea: It was released in 1993. Of course, as to why I’m not sure. Drugs?

Why it’s not: Let’s just say this was one of the bad games on Jimmy Fallon’s show. Even he thought it was a dumb game and swore the kids in the package were concealing their humiliation.

Available?: Not sure.

75. Yetisburg: Titanic Battles in History Vol. 1

In this game, players recreate the Battle of Gettysburg but with wooly mammoths and yetis. Let's just say it's the kind of game that's guaranteed to piss of Ken Burns, Gettysburg tour guides, and American Civil War buffs.

In this game, players recreate the Battle of Gettysburg but with wooly mammoths and yetis. Let’s just say it’s the kind of game that’s guaranteed to piss of Ken Burns, Gettysburg tour guides, and American Civil War buffs.

Category: Card, Fighting, Humor, War

Players: 2

Contents: 2 decks of 55 cards, 60 tokens, initiative marker

Object: Basically recreates the Battle of Gettysburg but with both sides using yeti mercenaries and bomb throwing wooly mammoths.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I don’t know. Probably created by someone who was bored in American History class. It was released in 2008 by the wat

Why it’s not: Hate to inflict a bit of personal bias here, but I’m sure it will be guaranteed lead to bumming the kids out when they find out that the Battle of Gettysburg wasn’t fought with yetis and mammoths. Let’s just say I don’t like my history tampered with. Best leave it to family members who already know what happened at Gettysburg first.

Available?: I’m not sure.

76. Groop Loop

Groop Loop: though seen as an alternative to Twister, teaches children that they're never too young to engage in some light bondage activities. Can also be called, "Grope Loop." Man, you got to love the 1970s.

Groop Loop: though seen as an alternative to Twister, teaches children that they’re never too young to engage in some light bondage activities. Can also be called, “Grope Loop.” Man, you got to love the 1970s.

Category: Action/Dexterity, Party

Players: 4-8

Contents: marble sequencer, straps, ropes

Object: It’s like a stand up version of Twister in which players have to perform various actions without falling while intertwined in a long, stretchy cord.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Was said to provide an alternative to Twister when released in 1978.

Why it’s not: When looking at the box, it makes Twister look more child appropriate and far less kinky in comparison. Let’s just say playing this game with your folks can get very awkward and uncomfortable. A reminder that 6 is never too old to develop a taste for light bondage. Can also be called, “Grope Loop.”

Available?: No.

77. Lifeboats

Created in Germany during the 1990s, this game has lifeboats trying to make their way to several islands over the horizon. Of course, this also involves throwing opponent sailors overboard to the sharks.

Created in Germany during the 1990s, this game has lifeboats trying to make their way to several islands over the horizon. Of course, this also involves throwing opponent sailors overboard to the sharks.

Category: Nautical, Negotiation

Players:3-7

Contents: game board, 1 start player token, 7 wooden lifeboats, 42 wooden sailors, 15 wooden leak discs, 61 cards

Object: Players represent a rag tag team of lifeboats trying to make their way to one of the several islands just over the horizon. However, only one boat will make progress in any given turn, so players try to convince everyone to vote for their particular favorite. To further complicate matters, sailors can’t seem to decide which boat they want to be in so they’re constantly jumping out of boats to swim in another one. Also, one of the boats springs a leak at each turn. If the boat is at maximum occupancy when the leak occurs, then players vote who to toss to the sharks.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, it was made in Germany during the 1990s. Other than that, I don’t have the slightest idea.

Why it’s not: Well, the game doesn’t play out what would actually happen in the event of an ocean catastrophe. Also, you have to wonder what kind of sadistic person would come up with such an idea for a game as this. One review complained there was nothing to do with this game other than to mess with the other players and dump them in the water.

Available?: Hopefully not, but I could be wrong.

78. I Vant to Bite Your Finger

Now this is a game where players turn a clock before the vampire wakes up. If he does, his cape swings open and the unlucky player would have to put their finger in his mouth. Yeah, kind of makes as much sense as “Put Your Hand in That Strange Dog’s Mouth” and “Shove Your Arm Down the Garbage Disposal.”

Now this is a game where players turn a clock before the vampire wakes up. If he does, his cape swings open and the unlucky player would have to put their finger in his mouth. Yeah, kind of makes as much sense as “Put Your Hand in That Strange Dog’s Mouth” and “Shove Your Arm Down the Garbage Disposal.”

Category: Horror

Players:2-4

Contents: game board, large windup vampire figure, die

Object: Players advance with a die roll around the board and turn a clock attached to the vampire up to that number of clicks. But if the vampire wakes up, his cape swings open and the unlucky player would have to put their finger in his mouth and he will actually bite you (with a felt tip marker).

Why they thought it was a good idea: I don’t know. Guess the developer wanted to draw up business for Halloween in 1979.

Why it’s not: Uh, it’s basically a preteen version of “Russian Roulette” in a way that’s unbelievably disturbing beyond all comprehension. Also, makes as much sense as “Put Your Hand in That Strange Dog’s Mouth” and “Shove Your Arm Down the Garbage Disposal.” Not to mention, vampires aren’t known for biting fingers unless they work in drug testing. Then again, you don’t want a vampire game resulting in ruptured aortas, do you?

Available?: Probably not.

79. Antler Island

In this game, players are all stags whose aim is to mate with as many does as possible during the rut. Definitely would make an awkward family game night for non-hunter clans.

In this game, players are all stags whose aim is to mate with as many does as possible during the rut. Definitely would make an awkward family game night for non-hunter clans.

Category: Animals, Bluffing, Fighting, Humor

Players:3-4

Contents: game board, 2 island layers, 3-player island overlay, 12 feet for island layers, 3 stags, 14 does, 4 control mats, 27 food tokens, 1 starting player marker, 20 control tiles, 1 die, 50 antler pieces, 12 wily tiles, 4 winning stag tokens, 4 doe track markers, 12 fighting cubes

Object: Players represent a stag interested in food, fighting, and the opposite sex during the rut. Stags can grow antlers, eat food, maneuver for prime strategy territory for “rutting,” Player who mates with the most does and emerge as the dominant stag wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Your guess is as good as mine. Appeal to deer hunters? It was released in 2007.

Why it’s not: Let’s just say this is a strategy game in which the players’ characters aim to have sex with as many females as possible. Now this is similar to the rut which might be seen on nature shows, but still. This would make for a very awkward family game night.

Available?: Not sure. Maybe don’t want to know.

80. Emira

In this game, players are Arab sheiks trying to attract princesses for their harems and doing a bunch of other things. Sure it tries to make itself come off as PC but it doesn't tell good history. Also, the game isn't suited for families in any way.

In this game, players are Arab sheiks trying to attract princesses for their harems and doing a bunch of other things. Sure it tries to make itself come off as PC but it doesn’t tell good history. Also, the game isn’t suited for families in any way.

Category: Strategy, Economic

Players: 3-5

Contents: game board, 5 player boards, 15 wooden discs, first player marker, 16 goal cards, 54 event cards, 28 emira cards, 22 status cards, 20 palace sections, 39 counters, gold coins, 24 wooden caravan tokens, cloth bag

Object: Players are Arab sheiks looking to expand their harems with more princesses by trying to make themselves as attractive to convince as many as possible to live in their harem. Each round, a princess with different preference comes into play and chooses the sheik she is most attracted to. There are also auctions where players bid to perform actions such as playing event cards, buying spice caravans, palace sections, camels, or improving appearance and status. Each player has a different goal card for the game.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Heavens, I have no idea. Perhaps a prostitution game wouldn’t come off as “educational.”

Why it’s not: For one, this wasn’t how harems worked at the time. Yes, they had princesses in them but most were already born there. The others were usually slave girls with sex and reproduction their main purpose (who were usually kidnapped and sold) or regular servants. Second, it’s pretty offensive to Arabs and women.

Available?: Hopefully not.

Family Unfriendly Board Games: Part 7 – Fantasy Pub to Can You Survive Your Midlife Crisis?

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Note: The opening images in this series aren’t of real games by the way. They’re just photoshopped pictures I’ve obtained through various websites. But they kind of emphasize that these games I’m featuring aren’t meant for families for various reasons.

Of course, it’s not uncommon for companies to come out with games as part of some public awareness campaigns. Many of these tend to appeal to kids, but sometimes even this isn’t the case. Still, when it comes to education and public awareness, people tend to get the idea that children must get the message through any means necessary. But as we’ve seen with the board games about racism, sometimes spreading public awareness through board games isn’t such a great idea. For instance, there was one woman who came up with The Landlord’s game which is a precursor to Monopoly and very much played like it, too. However, unlike Monopoly, this game was made to criticize American capitalism which might be a good message but not one applicable to a board game. The same might go for the issue of racism as you’ve seen. Nevertheless, this doesn’t keep people from trying. So for your reading pleasure, I present another installment of my series of family unfriendly board games.

61. Fantasy Pub

In this game, players portray a fantasy character who must move throughout the tavern and leave before getting drunk or running out of money. Think of it as Dungeons & Dragons or Magic: The Gathering based at a bar.

In this game, players portray a fantasy character who must move throughout the tavern and leave before getting drunk or running out of money. Think of it as Dungeons & Dragons or Magic: The Gathering based at a bar.

Category: Roll/Spin and Move, Fantasy

Players: 2-5

Contents: decks of cards, beer tokens, dice, money tokens, game boards

Object: Each player’s fantasy character must move from table to table, drinking beer (collecting points for doing so), and leave the pub before they’re either completely drunk or lose all their money. Player with the most points (beer tokens) wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Your guess is as good as mine. Perhaps the company wanted a Dungeons and Dragons style game for adults.

Why it’s not: The premise of this game basically revolves around fantasy characters consuming alcohol and getting into fights at the pub. Also the female characters aren’t depicted in a PG fashion.

Available?: Hopefully not.

62. Shanghai Trader

In Shanghai Trader, players must rip off the local economy as much as possible while escaping the city with the largest international bank account. Contains drug use, Chinese stereotypes, illegal activity, violence, and prostitution.

In Shanghai Trader, players must rip off the local economy as much as possible while escaping the city with the largest international bank account. Contains drug use, Chinese stereotypes, illegal activity, violence, and prostitution.

Category: Economic, Political

Players: 3-6

Contents: game board, decks of cards, player tokens, counter sheets, tiles, trader track displays

Object: As adventurous trading barons, players must rip off the economy as much as they dare and escape the city with the largest international bank account before civil disorder ends the game and their life. In making a fortune, players would have to establish a trading empire by hiring a number of different workers but hey always run the risk of being shanghaied to Old Chinatown where skullduggery occurs. Players may have to collude with others, attend special events, or even resort to hiring services of special contractors to “trouble” their rivals.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, it was made in 1986, but I hardly have the answer for that.

Why it’s not: For one, it’s rather offensive for Chinese people. Second, this game pertains to exploiting coolies, cornering rackets, visiting opium dens and brothels in Old Chinatown, thugs, as well as assassinating and blackmailing the other players.

Available?: Hopefully not.

63. Liberia: Descent Into Hell – Liberian Civil War 1989-1996

Game depicting the First Liberian Civil War which took place in the late 1980s and early 1990s. Of course, this might be a way to spread awareness of the conflict to Westerners. But I'm not sure if human rights abuses in Africa make an appropriate board game. If so, then definitely not for the whole family.

Game depicting the First Liberian Civil War which took place in the late 1980s and early 1990s. Of course, this might be a way to spread awareness of the conflict to Westerners. But I’m not sure if human rights abuses in Africa make an appropriate board game. If so, then definitely not for the whole family.

Category: Civil War, Modern Warfare, Political, War

Players: 1-2

Contents: game board, tiles, red and blue pieces, paper sheets

Object: Simulation of the first Liberian Civil War with one player representing the Armed Forces of President Samuel Doe and the other of the insurgent forces of rebel leader Charles Taylor and his allies. Goal is to control enough territory and resources at the end of the game to win a post-war election and become the undisputed leader of Liberia.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Maybe the developers thought it was a good idea to educate people about the Liberian Civil War. Then again, it was released in 2009

Why it’s not: Contains: Cannibalism, drug and prostitution trade, juju, combat drugs, ransoming dead bodies, children soldiers, corruption, atrocities(bombing UN aid convoys), poro blood rituals, transvestites, witch doctors, corruption, plunder, Pat Robertson, Moonies, Saddam Hussein, US Marines, ECOMOG, UN, General Butt Naked and Singbe the Magic Dwarf(yes they are real leaders in the war), Scandanavian aid agencies, Palestenian torture videos, Robert Mugabe, Reverend Canaan Banana, tribal warfare, Jimmy Carter, hostage taking, KISS-FM, peace talks, factional warfare, Masons, Born again Christians, CIA, and much more… Guess this isn’t fun for the whole family, unless you’re part of a rather sadistic bunch that goes for this sort of thing.

Available?: Hopefully not.

64. Kolejka

Enter the world of Polish shopping in the 1980s with Kolejka. A game which mostly consists of people waiting in line to get their stuff. It explains why the game is educational, which isn't great for a shopping game.

Enter the world of Polish shopping in the 1980s with Kolejka. A game which mostly consists of people waiting in line to get their stuff. It explains why the game is educational, which isn’t great for a shopping game.

Category: Educational, Memory, Set Collection

Players: 2-5

Contents: game board, delivery truck board, 30 pawns, 1 starter player marker, 1 marker for market trader, 50 queuing cards, 5 shopping list cards, 60 product cards, 15 product delivery cards, 5 player assistance cards, 5 sets of stickers of queuing cards

Object: Tells the story of everyday life in Poland at the end of the Communist Era. Players have to send their family members out to various stores to buy all the items on their shopping lists. However, there are shelves in 5 neighborhood stores that are empty. Players line up pawns at the shops knowing which ones will have a delivery. Tension mounts as product delivery cards are uncovered and it turns out there will be enough product cards for the lucky few standing closest to the store door. Since everyone wants to be first, the queue starts pushing against the doors. To get ahead, players use a range of queue cards such as “Mother carrying small child”, “This is not your place, sir”, or “Under-the-counter goods.” However, players should watch out for “Closed for stocktaking”, “Delivery error”, and for the black pawns – the speculators – standing in the queue. Players who make the best use of queue come home with full shopping bags. Product cards contain 60 original objects from the Communist Era.

Why they thought it was a good idea: This game was released in 2011 to educate people about the home economics of the Communist Era in Poland.

Why it’s not: Let’s just say shopping in a Soviet satellite nation seems fairly depressing and not a very appropriate and fun board game for the whole family.

Available?: There’s a print and play version on the internet.

65. Learning About Manners Picnic Basket Game

In this game for children, players try to shoo the ants away with saying "please" and "thank you." Sure small children might find it fun but many who aren't might find it stupid. Besides, if you want ants to go away, use a better pest control method.

In this game for children, players try to shoo the ants away with saying “please” and “thank you.” Sure small children might find it fun but many who aren’t might find it stupid. Besides, if you want ants to go away, use a better pest control method.

Category: Children, Memory

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, CD, book, 20 food tokens, player pieces, picnic basket

Object: Players have to collect all 5 food tokens that match their selected color with each player selecting one from a picnic basket, but only after using their manners if they may take one and thank them. If the selected token matches, it goes on their appropriate food circle. If not, then it’s back into the basket they go. Those who forget to use their manners must skip a turn. First player to collect all 5 of their picnic tokens wins. Oh, and it involves sending ants away.

Why they thought it was a good idea: It was created to teach little kids about social skills, particularly manners.

Why it’s not: Now this is a game for little kids who might enjoy it and learn. But sending ants away from your picnic by saying “please” and “thank you” well, I’m afraid that’s not a viable form of pest control. Sure manners are important and I think everyone should learn them (particularly table manners and posture). But as you grow up, you’ll have to deal with many people who have no concept of etiquette whatsoever. Also, ants don’t give a shit about your manners but borax and sugar water certainly will. Seriously, Playskool and Noodleboro must be out of their minds. Not to mention, parents might find the concept quite dumb so to speak.

Available?: Oh, yes.

66. Little Black Sambo Adventure Game

Sure this might be a tie-in to a popular novel in the early 20th century. But let's just say this game contains very racist illustrations that might make people of all ages shudder. And this was seen as a game for children.

Sure this might be a tie-in to a popular novel in the early 20th century. But let’s just say this game contains very racist illustrations that might make people of all ages shudder. And this was seen as a game for children.

Category: Roll/Spin and Move

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, player tokens, spinner

Object: Basically players play out the story of Little Black Sambo across the board, a known children’s story in the early 20th century. Basically this would consist of a boy surrendering his new clothes, shoes, and umbrella so he won’t be eaten by 4 hungry tigers. They also chase each other up a tree until they’re reduced to a pool of melted butter with Sambo recovering the clothes and the butter as well as helping make pancakes in the end First one to reach the finish line wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, it was made in 1924 and it was a tie-in to a popular children’s novel.

Why it’s not: Well, let’s just say it features offensive black stereotypes (despite that the original book depicted an Indian child) and the term “sambo” has usually been used as a racial slur. Not to mention, the story has received criticism since 1932 with Langston Hughes being among the first. However, it’s not very controversial in Japan as far as we know.

Available?: Fortunately not.

67. Vanilla Ice Electronic Rap Game

Vanilla Ice was a rather popular rapper in the 1990s even though he's hardly remembered nowadays. But he still got his own rapping board game which is incredibly dumb.

Vanilla Ice was a rather popular rapper in the 1990s even though he’s hardly remembered nowadays. But he still got his own rapping board game which is incredibly dumb.

Category: Action/Dexterity, Electronic, Music, Singing, Acting

Players: at least 2

Contents: electronic beatbox mic, game board, score cards, word cards

Object: Players play to complete rap lines on the game board. Each card played scores points. Every time a rap line is completed, the player raps it out loud to the rhythm of the electronic beatbox mic. Points are counted when all the rap lines on the board have been filled. Player with the most points wins and raps the entire board on the beatbox mic.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Apparently, Vanilla Ice was a rather popular rapper in the 1990s.

Why it’s not: Let’s just say it’s a stupid game that it was even on Jimmy Fallon. Not to mention, Vanilla Ice wasn’t a big rapper after the early 1990s and is basically remembered for one thing.

Available?: Hope not.

68. Feely Meeley

In this game, players are given a card of an item they have to find by sticking their hand in a box. Of course, such premise can easily turn a so-called weird family game into a weird adult game, especially when alcohol is involved.

In this game, players are given a card of an item they have to find by sticking their hand in a box. Of course, such premise can easily turn a so-called weird family game into a weird adult game, especially when alcohol is involved.

Category: Memory

Players: 2-4

Contents: box, plastic items, cards

Object: Players display a top card outside the box and put their hands inside in an attempt to recover by feel only, the card’s item. Player who finds most of the items wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I don’t know. Guess boredom might inspire moments of creativity which lend to such ideas.

Why it’s not: For one, the box in question is called a “Grab Box.” Second, might lead to some unconsensual hand touching. The instructions also suggest to put your own things in there (usually small). Lord, help us if this game is played in a party serving alcohol, which will probably get out of hand. Nevertheless, the premise kind of gives me the creeps.

Available?: Probably not.

69. Poison Ivy Game

Now in this game, players need to pull out all the green stemmed leaves without touching the red stemmed ones. Yes, the premise is a bit twisted but it was made in the 1970s.

Now in this game, players need to pull out all the green stemmed leaves without touching the red stemmed ones. Yes, the premise is a bit twisted but it was made in the 1970s.

Category: Children

Players: 2-4

Contents: mounted game board, plastic leaves, white bandage for fingers, First Aid box

Object: Players strive to pick the highest number of green stem leaves from the ivy patch and avoid catching poison ivy (red stem leaves). Players put a bandages if they select a red stemmed leaf. May be a mild amount of deduction but mostly luck.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I don’t know. Your guess is as good as mine.

Why it’s not: Well, I’m sure your kids won’t get hurt if they play this. But the premise is a bit twisted. Also, I’m not sure if poison ivy has red stems.

Available?: No.

70. Can You Survive Your Midlife Crisis?

In this game, players enjoy the ups and downs of having a midlife crisis. Winner can be the one who has more money, less stress, and is least likely to get divorced. Or the winner could be the one who gets divorced, goes broke, and cracks up. Really not something to give to anybody while they're having a midlife crisis.

In this game, players enjoy the ups and downs of having a midlife crisis. Winner can be the one who has more money, less stress, and is least likely to get divorced. Or the winner could be the one who gets divorced, goes broke, and cracks up. Really not something to give to anybody while they’re having a midlife crisis.

Category: Card, Dice Rolling, Roll/Spin and Move

Players: 2-6

Contents: game board, cards, score sheet, fake money, 6 pawns, certificate, dice

Object: Players strive to either get through their middle years with more money, less stress, and fewer divorce points than their opponents or declare a full mid-life crisis in which they must go broke, get divorced, or crack up before anyone else. Players can action ZAP! or Crisis Cards on other players, pay other players for professional assistance, as well as accumulating stress points, divorce points, and money.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Someone probably thought they had a board game for everything, so perhaps a midlife crisis should be one of them.

Why it’s not: I’m sure this wouldn’t be fun for the whole family and might leave kids wondering about what their parents might be going through. Besides, even in a midlife crisis, problems might always pertain to stress, money, or marriage. Not to mention, there will be a lot of middle aged people who don’t have one at all.

Available?: Not sure. Hope not.