The Wonderful World of the Teddy Bear (Fifth Edition)

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A popular Valentine’s Day present is a stuffed bear with moveable arms and legs. Since its introduction in 1903 and named after Teddy Roosevelt, these toys have become among the most popular ever since. After all, they’re fuzzy, cute, cuddly, and you can dress them up however you like. Thus, you can see all kinds of teddy bears dressed for holidays, special occasions, and characters from pop culture. There are even teddy bear museums where these toys reenact certain scenes. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of adorable teddy bears. Enjoy.

  1. Don’t mess with the Undertakebear.

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He’s based on the WWE wrestler, the Undertaker. Wonder why he’s not wearing a shirt with his suit.

2. You’d swear this teddy bear can glow in the dark.

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Actually, it lights up inside. I’m sure batteries are included.

3. Make way for the Teddy bear fashion show.

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Come see the latest fashions in chic bear couture. I’m sure the clothes won’t come cheap.

4. Mother Theresa helps the poor bears of Calcutta.

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Sure, she may not be the saint we think she is. But come on, she and her bear order nuns look cute in these sari habits.

5. You’d think this bear was some Einstein.

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Okay, he’s supposed to be dressed like famous physicist Albert Einstein. Has E=mc squared on his paw.

6. Watch out for that iceberg.

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This is supposed to be the teddy bear version of the Titanic. A lot of bears lost their lives that night.

7. He’s all dressed with a place to go.

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Here’s a Boyd bear with a small suitcase. Wonder why he travels light.

8. In China, don’t forget to see the tomb of Emperor Qin.

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This one has a bear terra cotta army. And yes, bear tourists take pictures of them.

9. Germany unites with the fall of the Bearlin Wall.

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Here some bear tears down the wall which will later symbolize the fall of Communism. So East and West Germany can unite as one.

10. These bears are globe trekking.

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Since they’re a family of tourists. Though I don’t think tourists dress like these bears in real life. So cute.

11. “Growl once again, my dear, our strange duet….”

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This is a Phantom o the Opera bear. Hopefully, he doesn’t sing like Gerard Butler.

12. You won’t be chilly for this Winterland Queen bear.

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She wears a blue sparkly dress. Not to mention, she’s a ripoff on Queen Elsa from Frozen.

13. You’d admire this bear’s hat with flowers.

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She wears a purple hat with deep pink flowers all made out of felt. Also like the purple sash. So pretty.

14. Joe Biden is ready to run again.

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Though so far, he hasn’t managed to gain much traction. As we can see with the results in Iowa.

15. Santa finishes one more wooden soldier.

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Here he’s in his workshop making toys. Before he goes out to deliver them for that one night.

16. You’ll find nothing wooden with this nutcracker.

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Well, this bear is dressed up as one. But he won’t really crack nuts. Because he’s plush wearing felt clothes.

17. This bear’s got a plain habit.

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Since he’s a monk. So he’s just wearing a plain black robe. So cute.

18. Beware the Queen of Hearts.

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Because if you slight her, she’ll have you beheaded. Doesn’t matter if you’re an outsider or one of her card soldiers.

19. Let’s make this landing at Omaha Beach.

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Yes, these bears are reenacting D-Day. And yes, some of them will not survive the invasion. But they’re fighting Nazis for God’s sake.

20. This Teddy Bear is ready to ride.

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Since he’s a teddy bear of Teddy Roosevelt. For the teddy bear’s named after him.

21. Want a cold drink with this polar bear?

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No thanks for me since I don’t drink pop. But he’s nevertheless an iconic bear that you see around Christmas.

22. The Pope emerges to greet the crowds.

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Here he stands between 2 cardinal bears with his long crucifix staff. Yet, unlike human popes, he doesn’t wear shoes.

23. You’d think this bear was out on safari.

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Since he’s clearly wearing such an expedition outfit. Even carries a sleeping mat. So cute.

24. This chili pepper will bring some spice to your life.

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It even comes with maracas. You’d almost think it works at a Mexican restaurant.

25. You’d might want to party with this bear.

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Since he’s dressed as a glass of beer. Though I’d recommend not to let him drive you home from the bar.

26. Many swear to have seen this Sasquatch bear.

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He’s fuzzier than most. Yet, despite numerous sightings, scientists question his existence.

27. Dr. Bear wants you to brush your teeth.

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Though there’s only a 1 out of 3 chance he accepts Medicaid. If you live in the US, that is

28. Here some rich bears gather for a game of polo.

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They ride on plush horses and use sticks to move a ball. And no, I don’t understand how polo works.

29. This bear works all the livelong day on the railroad.

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This train engineer bear wears a striped hat and coveralls. But modern train engineers don’t usually wear such apparel.

30. Check out the tatt on this sailor.

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It’s one of a heart on his arm. Yet, how can you tattoo a bear, I have no idea.

31. The Korean streets are rather bustling.

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This one has marketplaces, tables, and a tent. Then again, it might be outside the palace.

32. Someone’s ready for a summer’s day.

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Though I’m not sure if she’s just going on a summer stroll to the park or the beach. Then again, she’s not wearing tennis shoes so it’s probably the latter.

33. Here we come across a royal procession.

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Okay, this is a Korean procession. Since a lot of teddy bear museums are in South Korea for some reason. But you have to admire the time and effort people put into this.

34. This bear will put out fires for you.

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Okay, maybe not. But you can cuddle with him as your relationship with your significant other crashes and burns.

35. Someone’s ready to race for once.

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Since he’s the cutest auto racer you’ll ever see. Hope his car doesn’t crash and burn.

36. This guy always supports his mom.

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For he’s her #1 fan. Though at least he’s not creepy about it. Unlike Oedipus.

37. You’d make yourself at home in this Korean village.

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Yes, you find a lot of Korean stuff in these teddy bear museums. Since most of them are from South Korea. Don’t know why that is.

38. Teddy bears construct some Buddhist statues.

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Guess this is for a temple or shrine. Not sure why the golden Buddha statues don’t look like bears.

39. This bear pilot is ready for takeoff.

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Sure his plane doesn’t seem ready to fly. But he doesn’t seem to mind.

40. Guess Koreans really know how to put on a festival.

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This one seems to have plenty of ceremonial dancers. From a teddy bear museum in Seoul.

41. The Netherlands has a peaceful countryside.

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This one features windmills and tulip fields. So you can guess this is a Dutch display.

42. The Korean king sits on his throne.

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Guess this ceremony must’ve taken place between the 19th century and the Korean War. Because we know the Korean kingdom’s no more nowadays.

43. She’s all dressed up for a night on the town.

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Here she wears a red dress and carries a purse. Like the matching bows on her dress and ear.

44. She decided to go summer casual today.

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Here she wears a striped top with jean. Also carries a purse. Like the gold buttons.

45. You’ll be enchanted by this fancy dress ball.

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The display’s not very big. Yet, you’d have to admire the fancy clothes, especially the dresses.

46. These bears go to visit Mount Bearmore.

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It’s basically a teddy bear version of Mount Rushmore. And yes you got some teddy bears in the foreground.

47. “Cubs, start your lessons.”

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This is an old fashioned school house scene from a teddy bear museum in Germany. Because each kid has their own chalk board.

48. This teddy bear is a wizard.

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Since he’s a Harry Potter bear. shown with his scar, hat, and Quidditch broom.

49. How about a trip to the zoo?

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Some of the animals here are in plush as well. While the bears frequent the premises. Wonder what the bear exhibit is like.

50. You’d think this angel is heaven sent.

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She’s a Boyd’s Bear. She wears a dress and felt wings.

51. These servants always work long hours.

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This is from a teddy bear museum in Dorset. And yes, these servants are washing dishes.

52. You’d think this family is rather well-to-do.

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You’d see a family like this on Downton Abbey. Except that they’re bears. From a teddy bear museum in Dorset.

53. Steve Jobs unveils the latest Apple product.

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He stands near a chair in a black turtleneck. Though his claws won’t hurt you.

54. Klawlo Ren will finish what his grandfather started.

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Though watch out when he whips up his lightsaber. Since he’s been known to go to town on it like slicing and smashing things.

55. This bear’s not afraid of no ghost.

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This is a ghostbuster bear. So it has the logo on its paw inside its shoes.

56. With Genie bear, he’ll grant you 3 wishes at your command.

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I’m sure this one was for the live-action remake with Will Smith. As I can tell from the beard and outfit.

57. Rey always knows how to fight with her staff.

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Of course, her bear version doesn’t have her intricate hairstyle. But wait until she gets a hold on a lightsaber.

58. Darth Bearder’s on the Dark Side of the Force.

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And yes, he’s black with ears on his helmet. But he still needs to wear his suit in order to live. After what Obi Wan Kenobi did to him.

59. Secret agent or fashionista?

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Since this bear’s wearing a black coat and sunglasses. So you may never know.

60. “Sheriff Woody, at your service…”

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Here this bear wears the Woody get up. Afraid of getting replaced by a space toy, if Buzz Lightyear gets any hint.

61. Deadpool would like to propose.

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Here he goes on one knee with a ring. Great for a guy who wants to marry a girl who likes Marvel and has a sense of humor.

62. Jasmine can always be a princess to impress.

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Though you have to admit, she does have daddy issues. Yet, she doesn’t hold the lamp in either the Disney or the live-action version.

63. Captain America is American patriotism personified.

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He also shows the wonders of performance enhancement drugs in the Marvel universe. Still, this bear of him is blue.

64. Cinderella is all dressed for the ball.

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Though the magic will wear off by midnight. So she’ll only have her glass slippers left. Or one glass slipper left since she left the other at the ball.

65. Queen Elsa knows how to stage a freeze.

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Here she’s in her Frozen II outfit. Seems more at home with herself than in the last movie where she doomed her kingdom to eternal winter.

66. Someone can use another tissue.

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This is a get well bear in pajamas. Then again, he’s got a hanky so he’s good. So cute.

67. You’ll be fine against this Stormtrooper bear.

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Because while Stormtroopers may shoot up a place, they usually don’t hit anything. Though they can be dangerous.

68. Harley Quinn is no laughing matter.

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Yet, for God’s sake, don’t romanticize her relationship with the Joker. Because he’s a raging psychopath who’s very abusive to her.

69. No one can resist this Ewok bear.

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Ewoks are pretty much teddy bears to begin with. But they will try to eat you and kick your ass.

70. Rapunzel gets all Tangled.

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Her bear’s purple with long blond hair. But not long enough to hang from a tower to use as a ladder. That wouldn’t be safe for kids.

71. It’s a tale as old as time.

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These are Beauty and the Beast bear set. Come with a rose. So adorable.

72. Ariel comes from under the sea.

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She’s basically a teenager who sold her voice for some plastic surgery. And from a shady sea witch no less.

73. This Irish lass can dance.

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For she’s an Irish river dancer. Even has her dancing shoes on.

74. Greetings from Hawaii.

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She wears a hula skirt, a flower lei, and a coconut bra. Hope se doesn’t dance when the volcano blows.

75. No one can stop Captain Marvel.

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Here she springs into action. Know that she’s about as powerful as Superman.

76. “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free….”

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She wears the green garb of Lady Liberty. Unfortunately, her words are being undermined by Donald Trump’s anti-immigration policies and family separations.

77. Gotham’s Dark Knight lingers in the shadows.

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This bear wears a mask and cape. And he’ll beat the hell out of villains from Arkham Asylum.

78. Thanos Bear wants to wipe half of the universe.

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Already he’s got his Infinity gauntlet on. Uh-oh. Don’t have a good feeling about this.

79. Girl Scout bears always bring in the cookies.

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Here they wear outfits denoting ranks. But please pay for the cookies or they will end you.

80. “Shitter’s full.”

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He’s supposed to be a Cousin Eddie bear. Still, don’t all bears shit in the woods?

 

 

Fall in Love with These Valentine’s Day Craft Projects (Fifth Edition)

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Now that February has come upon us, let’s get into some Valentine’s Day crafts. Of course, you can see I went with the a school room design instead of someone’s living room. Well, it helps to try something different once in a while. Nonetheless, classrooms are often places you see V-Day crafts though most of these are made of paper. Of course, unless they’re rather impressive school craft projects, I usually don’t touch upon them. Since most of them I usually list are made from adults. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of lovely Valentine’s Day crafts.

  1. You can spell love on this heart.
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This is a wooden heart made from 2 pieces. The “LOVE” squares are Scrabble tiles and they’re not worth much.

2. Perhaps you might send a valentine with a decomesh wreath.

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This one his heart-shaped. Says, “Happy Valentine’s Day” in the center.

3. A Valentine’s Day wreath can use a few hearts.

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This one has plenty of red hearts. Still, I love the fancy white ribbon around it.

4. You might prefer a wreath with cloth hearts.

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Well, the hearts are in the pattern. Nonetheless, you have to love the felt flowers.

5. You can’t hang too many hearts on a wall.

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There’s a checked heart, a red heart, and 2 gold hearts. All with fancy ribbon decorations. So pretty.

6. Light up your home with a Valentine’s Day glass block light.

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This one has hearts and foil inside. Has a bow of red heart ribbon on top.

7. Touch your look with a few roses.

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This is a hairband. The red, pink, and white roses are made of felt.

8. So many blue hearts can make a big impression.

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The large heart is made of a bunch of blue hearts. While a medium red heart inside carries the message.

9. A heart wreath can use a few roses.

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This one has some pink and white roses. Also, you can see a golden arrow shot through it.

10. You don’t know what’s kept in this book.

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Since it’s fastened. Then again, this just might be a decoration you can set on your fireplace mantle.

11. A Valentine’s Day paper wrapper wreath is always suited for a window pane.

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This one has polka dots on the red and white on the wrappers. And the window pane isn’t attached to anything.

12. Perhaps you’d like a simple heart suncatcher.

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This one has a plastic bead string. While the crystal heart shines like the sun. Whenever the sun shines through it.

13. A Valentine’s Day ribbon wreath might suit you.

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This one also has ribbon flowers. While the ribbons covering the wreath all have hearts.

14. A Valentine heart can always use a few flowers.

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This one is a cushion with some felt flowers. Like the bead and red lace trim.

15. A heart of roses should always have a frame.

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Well, the roses are probably made of paper. But the frame is quite fancy.

16. Care for a Valentine’s Day heart necklace?

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The heart is made out of metal with gold wires containing pearls and jewel beads. So pretty.

17. You can use a few hearts on the wall.

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These consists of cloth hearts and felt roses glued on the samplers. Great for any home on V-Day.

18. Feel free to make a wreath of pink clothespins.

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Of course, you might have to paint the clothespins pin first. Though you have to admire the hearts, roses, and bow.

19. Count down to Valentine’s Day with this heart calendar.

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Though I can totally wait for Valentine’s Day. But this advent calendar is quite cute.

20. Anyone would fall in love with this button heart.

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And yes, it’s in a frame. Funny how all the red buttons are the same size and color.

21. How about a wreath of paper hearts?

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This one has hearts made of construction paper. While each heart has gold edging.

22. Grace your V-Day door with this pink bauble wreath.

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This one has baubles of different sizes. Like he pink butterflies. So pretty.

23. Don’t like wreaths? Show your love with this cork heart.

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Well, the corks of all different sizes. Says “Love” in red and white pipe cleaners.

24. Show your love on V-Day with these love blocks.

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Each of these is in a whimsical shape and pattern. While the “O” is a heart.

25. Serve your guests wine from this glitter bottle.

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Yes, this bottle is covered with glitter. And yes, the wine is still in it. Not sure why.

26. Show your love with this berry wreath.

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The berries are fake. The wooden letters say “Love”. Like the flower near the top best.

27. Step out on V-Day with this charm bracelet.

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This one has a some heart charms. Like the clastic crystal jewels.

28. Grace your door with this burlap heart wreath.

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Has a large burlap bow on it, too. A simple design for any rustic setting.

29. You’ll find plenty of hearts in this envelope.

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This one has a few hearts in different patterns. Includes berry branches as well.

30. Perhaps a heart stick wreath might suit you.

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Includes 3 hearts with woven basket patterns. Also consists of a large red bow.

31. A candle can use a few hearts.

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The hearts are pink with wires linking with each other. Hope they don’t burn up.

32. You can use a few hearts on a tulle wreath.

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Each of the tulle pieces are tied on the wreath. While the 3 hearts glitter.

33. Don’t like these? You might like this wall hanging.

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This one has a lot of ribbons. “Love” consists of black wires. Includes a glittery red heart.

34. Care for a heart of paper roses?

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The roses are of different sizes and colors. And all on a gray background.

35. Here we find love all framed.

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Well, each individual letter is framed. And all hanging on a ribbon to a window.

36. A heart can consist of a variety of buttons.

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These are all in different sizes and colors. And they’re all sewn on a plain pillow.

37. Greet your V-Day guests with this flowery yarn wreath.

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The flowers are made from felt. Like the colors on the wreath though.

38. A V-Day wreath should always consist of red roses.

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And they’re all arranged in a heart. I’m sure the roses are made from silk. So pretty.

39. You’ll get plenty of hugs and kisses from this ribbon wreath.

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The top consists of glitter hearts. The bottom consists of glitter “XOXO.”

40. Don’t like wreaths? Go with this wall hanging of hearts.

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Consists of 2 checked hearts. While plenty of small red hearts add some emphasis. Like the bow.

41. Grace your V-Day door with this fancy ribbon wreath.

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The ribbons mostly consists of bows. While it’s touched with a hollow red glitter heart.

42. Grace your V-Day table with this glittery basket.

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Has some paper bag strips inside. Like the glitter heart. So pretty.

43. Doily hearts always belong in a frame.

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Of course, they’re made of paper. Though I love the background and purple frame.

44. You might want some tree branches in a heart basket.

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Well, the basket has a wooden heart over it. While the basket has branches and berries inside.

45. Don’t like wreaths? Go with a simple glass panel and a heart.

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The heart is made out of yarn. While the panel and heart are held by a white bow.

46. You can always show love with flowers.

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The Letters are made from wood. While the “O” is a heart containing pink roses.

47. You can have love in a purple heart frame.

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Well, it says “LOVE” in a purple heart frame. Like the crown and pink roses. So pretty.

48. Declare your love on this Valentine’s Day with flowers.

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Well, the flowers are all in vases. 4 of them spell out “LOVE” in black letters.

49. A rustic wreath will suit you this Valentine’s Day.

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This one consists of gourds and berries. While a black heart sign says “Love” in the center.

50. A heart tulle wreath can really make an impression.

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You can see it consists of red, pink, and white pieces. Also includes ribbons and hearts.

51. Show love this Valentine’s Day with this wooden panel.

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This red panel says “LOVE” in white letters. The “O” consists of a heart with an arrow shot through it.

52. A burlap “Love” wreath is all you need.

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It’s in the shape of a heart, too. Great for rustic settings. So pretty.

53. A fancy heart can always use some flowers.

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Well, this one is in a fancy white frame and grapevine wreath Like the roses and bow. So lovely.

54. A V-Day wreath should always have a touch of gold.

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This one has gold baubles and ribbons. Also includes 2 hearts near the bottom.

55. A large V-Day heart can be quite festive.

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This one has bows and a large heart with pink spots. Also consists of bows and other festive trimmings.

56. Care for a heart rag wreath?

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This one has red, white, and pink strips all over a wire frame. Great for any rustic door. So pretty.

57. Put a ball of roses over a door frame.

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This are pink roses. Though I’m not sure I’d recommend you hang them on a door frame. It’s not mistletoe.

58. Show your love by saying it in blocks.

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Each is in pink, red, and white. And yes, they’ve got a bunch of popular V-Day sayings.

59. Don’t forget to put a flower on top of a gift box.

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This one is a paper with heart-patterned petals. Hell, the petals are even shaped like hearts.

60. Sweeten your Valentine’s Day with this sweetheart wreath.

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This one is wrapped with fibrous string with pearls. consists of white and pink roses and a banner spelling out “SWEET.”

61. A heart panel should always contain a few flowers.

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This one has some flowers painted. While some are made out cloth. Also decorated with pearls and lace.

62. How about a heart wreath made of roses?

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Well, the roses are hear are fake. Yet, they’re in all various shades of pink.

63. Nobody can resist these love bugs.

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These are made from styrofoam balls with black pipe cleaner antennae and appendages. Some are ladybugs and bees.

64. Got some striped straws? Make a display like this.

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The paper straws have red and white stripes. Some have pink. And they all radiate a single red heart.

65. How about a heart with lights.

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The lights are all set on a pink panel. Wonder how you turn it off or on. So lovely.

66. Perhaps you might prefer some laced hearts.

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These are in all different designs. A couple contain buttons, too. So lovely.

67. A Valentine’s Day wreath should always shine.

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This one seems like it’s straight from a party store. Has a heart in the center and a heart bow on top.

68. Feel free to use the key to this heart box.

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The heart box is silver with glitter on top. The key is tied with it using a red ribbon.

69. Care for a hanging heart cushion?

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This one has a heart of flowers printed in the center. Wonder how that’s possible.

70. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without these heart trees.

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Well, the hearts are paper and act like branches and leaves. One even has hearts and keys on them.

71. A stair bannister should always have a garland of hearts.

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Well, these have hearts hanging from it. Most of them are made from cloth. So pretty when it lights up.

72. A V-Day decomesh wreath like this will surely suit you fine.

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Has some heart decorations on the left side. Many in red and pink glitter.

73. Show your love with this panel.

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Says “LOVE” in black letters. “O” is a red heart with wire hearts inside.

74. How about a garden of conversation hearts?

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Well, the fence and hearts are made out of wood. Great for an elementary school classroom.

75. Might want to put some hearts on a clothes line.

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The hearts are made from felt. A simple craft project for almost anyone, including kids.

76. A shiny heart can always light.

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This heart is covered with gold and silver sequins And yes, the lights do shine bright.

77. You’ll find plenty of hearts in this jar.

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Well, the hearts are plush and on sticks. But will last longer on your table than a conventional bouquet.

78. A heart wreath of crocheted roses must delight.

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Most of these are in red and pink. Perfect to hang over a window. So pretty.

79. Care for a wreath of roses?

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Most of the roses on this wreath are felt. And they’re all in shades of red, pink, and white. So pretty.

80. A white rose wreath has some added simplicity.

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This one is in a heart shape and is a grapevine. Also matches the door behind it.

81. Grace your V-Day door with a wreath of pom poms.

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It’s heart-shaped with pom poms in shades of pink and purple. You can even see a bit of how these are made.

82. Make this V-Day festive with a pink tulle wreath.

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There’s leopard print flowers on top. While a fancy designed heart sits at the bottom.

83. A white decomesh heart wreath might suit you.

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Has some decorations on the left side. Features, red hearts, pink flowers, and bow with hearts.

84. A cupcake liner wreath will always impress.

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This one has a flower on the bottom. It’s made out of cupcake liners and felt. So pretty.

85. Impress your sweetheart with this large rose heart.

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Okay the flowers are fake. While a gold arrow shoots through it. Yet, it’s in 2 shades of pink.

86. 2 hearts always beat as one.

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This one has roses aside of 2 glitter hollow hearts. Makes a great centerpiece.

87. If you like sewing, you’ll love this wall hanging.

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Since it consists of pink sewing stuff. Though you’ll find pink flowers in the center.

88. Give hugs and kisses with these panels.

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These consists of wooden X’s and O’s. The O’s are hearts and are wrapped with cloth.

89. A small tree can use some hearts.

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This one has plenty of heart ornaments in felt. And yes, there’s a large red heart on top. So pretty.

90. Care for a striped wooden heart?

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This one is white with pink stripes. Also contains a burlap bow.

91. Adorn yourself with some small crocheted flowers.

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These are red, pink, and purple roses. And I’m not sure if they’re used as a hairclip or pin.

92. This heart is quite stringy.

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Since it’s made from string on a red board. And yes, there’s a heart in the center.

93. A berry wreath might suit you fine.

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Okay, the berries are fake. Though I love the burlap bow with the heart.

94. A pink decomesh V-Day wreath will always suit you nicely.

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This one has silver and pink decorations. Like the silver heart near the top.

95. How about a V-Day wreath with all the trimmings?

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This one has a sign that says, “LOVE.” Also consists of flowers and hearts.

96. Keep your little one warm with these V-Day leg warmers.

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These are made from sleeves. As you can see, they also depict hearts.

97. You can play tic-tac-toe on this pillow.

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The X’s and hearts are made from felt. Perfect for keeping the kids busy.

98. Ever wonder what’s in this box?

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Well, it’s a V-Day box with a digital lock. So you can’t easily open it.

99. You might sleep well with this dreamcatcher.

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This one is purple with a heart. Even has hearts near the feathers. So pretty.

100. Bring in the festivity with this shiny heart bauble wreath.

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This one has some shiny stuff on the left. While the baubles cluster together on e right. So pretty. Love it.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Seventh Edition)

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Now that we’re past Martin Luther King Day, we come to Valentine’s Day. Of course, this involves many people to exchange valentines. Kids give theirs to classmates. Adults give them to their sweethearts. Of course, you’ll find plenty of motifs on them like sentiments of heartfelt love, hearts, Cupid, and other images. Yet, there are some old valentines out there that defy explanation. Some that have cutesy images but suggestive puns. And those that surely wouldn’t fly nowadays. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of terrible vintage Valentines.

  1. “To My Valentine: I believe in freedom of the press.”
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Let’s hope he asked for consent first. Still, the guy seems rather excited to embrace his girlfriend. Guess he can’t wait to get it on.

2. “I ‘mascara’ lot for you…”

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Meaning she likes you so much that she’ll apply tons of makeup to look like Tammy Faye Bakker. Or something like that.

3. This seems like a real sausage fest.

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Yeah, I know there’s a suggestive pun behind this. Yet, the girl seems to like what she sees.

4. This couple gives a whole new meaning to “tossed salad.”

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“Tossed salad” is a slang term relating to sex. Also, the carrot is the guy, obviously.

5. Any girl would like a cat who could play piano.

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But apparently, she’s hiding in the spinet. Kind of screwed up if you ask me.

6. Speaking of cats, this one’s throwing herself toward this boy.

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Yes, I know this is screwed up. But given the cat’s a giant who can tear the boy to pieces, I’m not sure how he’ll be able to say no.

7. Want to get your man? Lure him with treats.

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Not sure if the boy’s looking at her or the food. Also, she’s wearing a rather short skirt. Wonder why.

8. This firefighter cat’s burning for you.

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Apparently, he’s also got a rather suggestive stare going on like he’s hungry for something. And it’s not food. While he’s holding the hose over his shoulder.

9. “The future would appear so fine, if you would be my Valentine!”

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Is the boy using a telescope to look at the stars or stalking his sweetheart? If the latter, what the hell’s the girl doing beside him? I’d really like to know that.

10. “I need something permanent – It might as well be you!”

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Okay, the message isn’t too bad. But considering we live in the 21st century, this hasn’t aged well. Sure she’s getting her hair done. But such contraption has been used for sinister purposes in a lot of science fiction more times than I can count.

11. “Who wouldn’t BLOW a guy like you, my valentine.”

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The word “blow” has several meanings. But in this context, it could either mean “kiss,” or a “blow job.” Wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the latter.

12. This wolf is only hungry for love.

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Yes, he’s certainly well-dressed. But despite that male wolves mate for life and make great dads in the wild, being seen as a “wolf” in human society, isn’t really a compliment.

13. “I get a BANG out of you, valentine. Please be mine.”

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Yes, the message is suggestive. But the bear lighting a firecracker isn’t really a smart idea either.

14. Don’t bat about love to this witch.

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Cause if you do, she will put a curse on you that you might not be able to shake off. Also, she could turn you into a toad or simply kill you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

15. This hotdog is frankly crazy about his valentine.

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And yes, I’m sure it’s a guy. Because, hotdogs are also known as “wieners.” Nothing to suggest here. Not.

16. Man, Cupid can be very nasty with people’s hearts.

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Since he’s got a heart cooking over a camp fire. Hope he doesn’t intend to eat it later. Oh, wait, he’s munching on it right now.

17. “You’re a good egg! Hope you’ll be my valentine!”

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Yes, these are egg people with limbs. And yes, it’s kind of disturbing if you ask me. Hope they don’t end up scrambled.

18. This apple loves her valentine to the core.

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Of course, being a core means he was once an apple who’s been considerably eaten. But she loves him anyway.

19. If this wolf won’t be your valentine, he’ll blow your house down.

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Of course, being a core means he was once an apple who’s been considerably eaten. But she loves him anyway.

20. Train engineer has eyes for a certain passenger.

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Note how the girl’s showing her legs while sitting on her suitcase. Still, guy needs to keep his eyes on the track at all times.

21. A foxy guy knows what kind of catch you’d be.

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He seems to be looking through the weeds. Nothing creepy about that. Oh, wait, that’s basically stalking.

22. The Big Bad Wolf wants to be Little Red Riding Hood’s valentine.

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So basically the wolf breaking in her grandma’s house, eating her and wearing her clothes was a bad way to handle rejection. Seriously, this valentine is so messed up.

23. “I’m fit to be tied so….be my Valentine!”

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For one, cowboys and Indians weren’t a thing. Also, this valentine seems to make light of Indian atrocities, which is pretty disturbing.

24. “You’re a good skate, Valentine.”

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Though I’m sure any love between these 2 might be strongly one-sided. Given the guy wants to get the hell out. While the girl is like “what gives?”

25. A black girl reads the cards.

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Okay, she’s depicted in a rather offensive racist stereotype. Yeah, not exactly one you’d send to a black person.

26. “You’re just my speed, BIG BOY, an’ I’m sure gonna hold on tight!”

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Girl’s giving a guy a rather suggestive look on that tricycle. Thus, giving the message a rather dirty double meaning.

27. “You’re the model for me. Be my Valentine.”

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This one seems to defy all sense of logic. The frames are hollow. While the painter has a paintbrush like he’s about to paint. How’s that possible?

28. “I aim to tame you, Valentine!”

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Granted, he’s a lion tamer. Yet, he’s got a whip with him. Either he’s using that to subdue his love or he’s into BDSM. Please let it be the latter.

29. “I’d like to haunt you, Valentine.”

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Though this seems less like you’d see in Ghost, and more like you’d see in Harry Potter when Moaning Myrtle shows up. But without the bathroom fixtures in the background.

30. This bear isn’t a bad skate, is he?

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Yet, note that the ice isn’t very sturdy since there’s a hole somewhere. Only a matter of time till the bear falls in.

31. “Warm the ‘COCKLES’ of my heart by being my valentine.”

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The worm seems to have a human face as a rooster towers over it. Not happy where this is heading.

32. “Let’s strike up a match, Valentine!”

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Keep in mind, they’ll probably burn to a crisp. Not to mention, all the other matches in the packet.

33. “To my Valentine, say Yes.”

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Cupid’s whispering in the woman’s ear. While the guy’s looking at the woman’s back and thinking, “Dat ass.” Though I’m sure she’s got her bustle on.

34. “My heart is like a time bomb…”

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Basically ready to burst at any minute. Man, you need to see a doctor. Or the bomb squad.

35. “I’m MUD about you, Valentine!”

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This one just has a flower over a smiling puddle of mud. Not sure how they conduct their relationship.

36. You’d have to have good luck with one’s valentine.

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Yet, getting hit on the head by a giant horseshoe, not so much. Seriously, you might want to see a doctor about that.

37. She’s so cute even the flies love her.

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To be fair, she’s holding toast spread with jelly. Still, you don’t want to attract flies in any capacity.

38. No one likes me. Well, I’ll just eat worms.

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How the hell is this a valentine? Also, who the hell eats worms? That’s disgusting.

39. One’s valentine is the light of their life.

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Here the cat has a pack of matches and a cigarette. Great way to be a good example to the kids. Not.

40. You’d think Bon Jovi received this valentine.

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This one has an arrow through a pillow. And yet, it looks as if it’s bleeding. What the hell?

41. “Picking on you to be my valentine.”

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That doesn’t seem to be a good message. Also, the monkey imagery doesn’t seem to help much. Since they fling feces at each other.

42. “I’ll slave for you, Valentine.”

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Sad how they make a guy willing to do all the chores as a pathetic loser. But to me, it’s an offer worth considering.

43. Lixie loves her candy sticks.

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Though I wonder if she likes something else. Given her suggestive grin at those sticks.

44. He’d like his valentine as a steady diet.

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I understand he wants her as his valentine. But the message can also be suggestive of cannibalism in another point of view.

45. He wants to cement his love.

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Yet, he comes with a mixer. Kind of driving the point too close to home. Seriously, we associate cement with Jimmy Hoffa and the mafia for God’s sake.

46. Don’t mind the jerk at the soda counter.

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The soda jerk guy kind of reminds me of a creepy doll in some horror movie. The girl seems like she’s not wanting his attention either.

47. We go together like leeks and fish.

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Kind of a rather odd pairing. But as long as they have a good relationship, who’s stopping them.

48. “To my Pin-Up Valentine.”

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This alien seems like he’s got some ill intent on his mind. Doesn’t help he’s got gold ears that resemble car horns.

49. Condiment vegetables always belong together.

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Take pickles and cucumbers. Though the pickle is the guy for obvious reasons we best not get into.

50. This cat always prefer girls with cute curls.

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Yeah, I know it seems rather strange. Nonetheless, the girl’s wearing a skimpy outfit and the cat seems to like what he sees. Or is it a dog?

Make a Wish and Blow Out the Candles with These Birthday Party Cakes (Sixth Edition)

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On January 13 this year I will turn 30 which makes me a bit on edge. On one hand, I get presents and have a special day all about me. On the other hand, I feel like I haven’t accomplished much as I should by this point in my life. Anyway, I decided to dedicate it the way I usually do with a bad birthday cake post featuring some really terrible disasters from Cake Wrecks. Now when you go to a bakery, you expect that everything is made to your specification. But since we have sites like Cake Wrecks, this doesn’t always go that way. Since the cake decorators aren’t going to be from some prestigious cake decorating academy. And some don’t even know how to follow directions. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of birthday cakes gone wrong.

  1.  There’s something wrong with the girl’s hand.
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Because the thumbs look quite different. Also, that doesn’t look like a 6-year-old girl to me for some reason.

2. When they draw a tooth, you draw a tooth.

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Don’t just write it in multi-colored icing. But did the cake decorator listen? No.

3. When you have a cupcake cake, put the phrases in different bubbles.

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Because if you write across, the saying may look like this. And let’s just say, it’s kind of off so to speak.

4. It’s supposed to say, “When you’re 64.”

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But instead it says, “un.” Yeah, that doesn’t make sense the least bit.

5. A clown cake is always great for a kid’s party.

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Okay, more appropriate for a kid’s Halloween party. Also, does that clown look dead to you? Seriously, it’s creepy.

6. Well, he got a big 2.

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Yet, it’s on top of some green icing. Nobody knows what it says to this day.

7. Yes, it’s someone’s birthday all right.

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Though I don’t know what the hell this figure’s doing on here. Is there a Sesame Street muppet I don’t know about?

8. Apparently, this family doesn’t make gender an issue.

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Okay, we know Jeff is a boy. The icing is in blue. Also, Jeff is a boy’s name. Seriously, I have 2 uncles by that name.

9. Feel free to customize this birthday cake.

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Uh, isn’t that supposed to be the bakery’s job? Don’t they have a special design program for that? Just asking because I know they put photos on cakes somehow.

10. No girl is ever too old to be a Disney princess.

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But 70 is kind of pushing it. Then again, it her birthday. She can have any cake she wants. If she wants Cinderella, fine.

11. Happy Birthday to a special boy.

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That basically all it says. Because we don’t really know the guy’s name.

12. Hope you enjoy your Birthcay, whoever you are.

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Yeah, “Birthday” is mispelled. Despite that spelling it isn’t that hard. Wonder why that is.

13. Apparently, bakeries don’t have spell check.

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“Birthday” is definitely spelled wrong. Yet, what is that name below? Kathy W or Natty W?

14. How do you say “Happy Birthday” in 3 languages?

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And apparently, this bakery doesn’t know any but English. Though they wrote the instructions.

15. Everyone seems to like bees nowadays.

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Oh my God, what the hell is that thing? Seriously, that looks more like a demon with bee stripes? And no, I’m not calling it Sting.

16. Mickey Mouse is always good for a baby’s first birthday cake.

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But this Mickey seems rather skeevy for some reason. Seriously, I don’t like the look in his eyes like he’s out for trouble.

17. Does this cake decorator have any idea about spacing?

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Seriously, the words are all together. Also, who the hell named their kid Prudy in the 1980s and 1990s?

18. Kung Fu Panda fans might enjoy this Po cake.

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Though this one doesn’t look anywhere near finished. Or part of the design ripped off. Either way, looks rather sad.

19. Perhaps anyone would like this 40th birthday cake.

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Make sure the words are in purple icing. As the cake says here.

20. Make sure you have “Happy Birthday” on both of these.

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Well, they delivered. But someone took the instructors way too literally.

21. Someone wanted a 1960’s hippie party theme.

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And what better than to have it on generic fruit cake. No tie dye, peace signs, or psychedelic patterns whatsoever.

22. Guess this is Zack’s “Birday.”

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Yes, “Birthday” is mispelled again. Not sure why this keeps happening. Seriously, all bakeries should have spell-check.

23. Put on the “Happy Birthday Victory Song.”

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Apparently, this cake decoraor doesn’t know it. Despite the fact I’ve heard it my whole life. Also “Birthday” is misspelled.

24. Hope Kelley enjoys this cake.

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Okay it’s supposed to be Kelli? And I don’t think it’s supposed to include an eye. Yeah, someone messed up here.

25. A plain grass cake will always do.

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Then again, this seems more like an abandoned pavement theme. Why anyone would want that, I don’t know.

26. Happy Birthday to one red hot mama.

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Okay, you don’t use the “th” when doing 21. Also, being a mom at 21 isn’t a thing to aspire to, no matter how sexy. God, this is disturbing.

27. I guess someone wanted a maritime themed cake.

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Instead, Mark got a garden carrot cake. Hope he doesn’t throw a tantrum. But at least the sea is written in.

28. A dino cake is perfect for a 1-year-old boy.

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But dino apocalypse cake, not so much. Seriously, these dinos can go extinct at any moment. The foliage already has died.

29. Someone’s turning 30.

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Yet, the 3 is on backwards. How is that possible? Seriously, does someone not know how numbers are written?

30. This ghosts wishes you a scary happy birthday.

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What’s that ghost holding? Is that shit? Is the ghost covered in shit? God, that’s disgusting.

31. Leshia wanted a Frozen cake.

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Okay, this cake was written sideways. So instead of a winter scene with a tree, it’s basically a winter scene revolving on a shit puddle. Given how the branches seem to resemble the stench.

32. You might like this Cars 1st birthday cake.

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But this one has too many car rings. Seriously, you can space them out more.

33. Is this supposed to be a boob cake?

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For one, the decorated doesn’t know how to draw a bra as you can see? Also, this is a very inappropriate cake for a 10-year-old girl.

34. Your Irish mom deserves a shamrock cake.

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And I don’t think this is a shamrock. Seriously, what the hell is that?

35. Don’t forget to add a clown hat.

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As this cake specifies. But the words in parentheses make that very clear.

36. Make sure you have the letters in the right color.

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Yes, it’s supposed to say, “Happy Birthday Tristan.” But in yellow. It’s written in black icing.

37. Some people might prefer a duck cake.

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And yes, the inscription is in purple icing. And yes, it’s as instructed.

38. Seems like Steven’s turning 4.

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But you wouldn’t know it from how is name’s spelled. Let’s hope he doesn’t know how to read. Oh wait, he might.

39. Perhaps a Barney cake could cheer you up.

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Okay, that doesn’t look like Barney. Just a giant purple lizard, which may not be a bad thing.

40. Golden Girls fans might enjoy this cake.

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Who the hell are these ladies? Because they sure as hell don’t look like Golden Girls. Seriously, what the hell?

41. Apparently, someone doesn’t know how to draw a playing card.

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To be fair, they asked for a King of Hearts card as it’s written. But that’s not what they got.

42. Don’t put candles on this cake.

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But did they really have to write it on there. Seriously, kind of creates an awkward situation with the customer.

43. “40 Begians forever getting.”

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Not sure what that means. Because it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

44. Teen girls back in the 2000’s would love a Twilight cake.

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Uh, Twilight’s not anime. Seriously, I don’t care for Twilight and even I know this.

45. Got to have a nice cake for one’s “Bathday.”

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Yes, that’s another misspelling of “Birthday.” Because bath days aren’t really that special for a cake.

46. Any little kid would adore a cake of Cookie Monster.

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Okay, this one is freaky. Seriously, that looks nothing like Cookie Monster. More like Grover with rabies.

47. A-Rod’s cookie cake is a pizza.

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Not that A-Rod. Still, a pepperoni pizza it does not resemble in the least. The red icing bits aren’t flat circles.

48. A lot of kids love a Minecraft cake.

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Not that A-Rod. Still, a pepperoni pizza it does not resemble in the least. The red icing bits aren’t flat circles.

49. A girl hunter might prefer a pink camo cake.

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Seems like someone didn’t know how to put them together. Hope my neighbors’ granddaughter never gets one like this.

50. You can see how many little girls want an Elsa birthday cake.

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Though I really don’t care for hat hair. Seriously, Elsa’s hair looks like it’s made from Cool-Whip. Doesn’t look good.

51. After 60, it all goes downhill.

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Yes, someone wrote that inscription while that cake’s upside down. So that’s why the balloons look like that.

52. A minion cake on the beach might be great for a kid’s party.

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Still, the beach the seems to have a rather phallic disposition. Hope the parents can get a laugh out of that.

53. A first birthday cake should always be simple.

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Yet, the balloons apparently resemble sperm. Sure it’s for a boy, but it’s pretty inappropriate.

54. Apparently, placement is the key.

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Okay, maybe not. But the cake can use some spell check. Also, it’s in pink icing.

55. Seems like you can find a birthday cake of Jabba the Hutt.

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Uh, Jabba doesn’t look like that. He’s much more disgusting. Also, can we rather have a cake where Leia strangles him with a chain? Since that’s far more satisfying.

56. Kids might enjoy a cake of SpongeBob SquarePants.

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What are those white cactus creatures doing here? Are they ghosts? Is SpongeBob’s ocean haunted? Oh, wait, this used to be a Halloween cake.

57. I guess this kid gets beat up in school all the time.

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I’m sure the kid’s name is Peter. But I hope this cake wasn’t for a kiddie party. Because he’ll never live it down.

58. I wonder who Sticks is.

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I’m they wanted “Happy Birthday” sticks on the cupcakes. But they got this instead for some reason.

59. All right, who’s Jocklyn?

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I’m sure it’s supposed to be “Jocelyn” or “Jacklyn.” Apparently, this decorator didn’t know which name to use. So we get this.

60. Always wish the birthday girl happiness.

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Yet, this one says, “Ha’ penis.” Let’s hope she’s not a lesbian for obvious reasons.

61. Kerri wanted a Mercedes cake.

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Well, this doesn’t resemble the logo. More like an unfinished peace sign. Yeah, you have to have the slices be all equal and in silver.

62. Hello Kitty is always a popular choice.

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But this more or less resembles a melted snowman with spray paint. Not the Japanese cartoon icon.

63. Donald thinks dragons are cool.

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This dragon looks pretty lame since it doesn’t dazzle with ferocity. More like a snake with spikes.

64. Of course, people can sometimes forget your birthday.

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Guess this is a workplace. Still, did anyone have to rub it in their face that nobody cared about their birthday? Seems kind of mean-spirited.

65. Kind of a frilly birthday cake for a guy named Bob.

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Actually, it’s supposed to say, “Mom.” Yeah, someone really screwed up here.

66. So how old is Dad supposed to be?

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Because I don’t think he’s 10. Unless the people buying this cake are his pets or toys. Seriously, why?

67. Ranger Bud Yee Haw has a thing for flowers.

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Actually that’s a leftover Easter cake made into a birthday one. But the inscription is kind of hilarious. Also, this was supposed to be cowboy-themed.

68. Got to know where to put the words.

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You can see words, “On the top” and “Below.” Kind of ruins the effect, doesn’t it?

69. This Flash themed cake is rather minimalistic.

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This one has a lightning bolt slicing the name Connor. Nothing else.

70. Perhaps a young girl would like a butterfly cake.

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Okay, the butterfly body resembles a turd. Let’s hope the little birthday girl doesn’t notice.

71. Nothing like a cake celebrating your legal eligibility.

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Actually the age of consent is 18. Still, this kind of gives a rather disturbing vibe. Seriously, what the fuck?

72. Arthur wanted a Mercedes Benz cake for his birthday.

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Now this is the kind of 60’s hippie party cake I’m talking about. Okay, the logos don’t quite look like peace signs. Yet, it’s probably not what this guy wanted.

73. Someone wanted a My Little Pony cake.

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And they didn’t get what they wanted. Since this cake just says, “My Little Pony.”

74. How about a birthday cake text exchange?

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Seriously, is this really necessary? What if it says anything embarrassing?

75. Any boy would love an Avengers birthday cake.

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What are Iron Man and Captain America doing with Jes- wait, that’s supposed to be Thor? Still, it looks like something a kid would draw.

76. How about a Batman cake?

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This one features a sad Batman with a weight problem. His hands are unusually large for his arms as well.

77. Best birthday wishes to Alex.

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Not sure what this is supposed to be. But it resembles a turd floating in the ocean.

78. Any girl would enjoy a unicorn cake.

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Yes, one with a long, stiff, and erect horn. Okay, the horn just seems rather phallic for some reason. Like it can double as a dildo.

79. Curt is 8 by the way.

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However, this one doesn’t necessarily say “Curt.” I’m sure the kid will have a lot of questions on that special C-word that’s an insulting slang term for female genitalia.

80. Everyone must love a Star Wars cake.

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Okay, this message isn’t really seem appropriate to a Star Wars fan. Also, the kid’s supposed to be 6. Why?

Merry Christmas from Our Family to Yours on Christmas Memories (Sixth Edition)

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This is me and my sister Molly in a Richmond restaurant during mid-December 2015. My parents and I were there for her graduation from VCU. Now she lives in Charlotte.

Christmas has always been a time for family and cherished memories. But unlike what you might see in the saccharine Hallmark movies that I try to avoid, life doesn’t always go that way. The big city career woman may go back to her hometown. But it’s very unlikely that she’ll meet a rugged man she’ll fall for, save a local Christmas tradition, and ditch her big city career and boyfriend for that guy. More likely, she’ll probably find people who never left her hometown hanging out at the local bar, some of them addicted to drugs, drinking like fishes, stuck in some low-income job, and/or dealing with some family dysfunction. The hunky guy she meets will probably be her ex she ditched for some good reason and he won’t be a hunk. There probably won’t be some Christmas tradition that needs saving. And she’ll definitely not ditch her whole life and move back to her hometown because women don’t do these things without much forethought. Or she’ll move back, settle down with the guy, and take a longer commute to work. Anyway for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of awkward family Christmas photos. Enjoy.

  1.  This year, these workers lay on top of each other.
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Indeed, they all smile in their Christmas glory. Though I don’t think you’d want to be the woman on the bottom.

2. Apparently, this dad doesn’t know how to hold his kid.

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For God’s sake man, don’t hold the baby that way. That just looks like you’re asking to be put on a sex offender list.

3. When everyone blinks at the camera at the same time.

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Then again, that might be part of the act. But it still seems pretty weird if you ask me.

4. Guess this Christmas dinner didn’t go well.

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Oh, there’s a hole in the wall. No wonder Christmas dinner sucked this year. The Griswolds these are not.

5. Someone’s obviously not going for the holiday cheer.

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Greta stood with her arms cross giving an eye of disapproval to her embarrassing parents. Knowing that she’ll be the class laughingstock if anyone from school saw this picture.

6. Unfortunately, Dad had been involved in a horrible accident this year.

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Let’s hope he didn’t fall off the roof while putting up Christmas lights. Because that would be pretty embarrassing as those shorts he’s wearing.

7. “Here’s your Christmas present, Lindsey.”

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Let’s hope it’s a new pair of jeans. Because she seems to have busted the ones she has on. Also, the guy’s wearing shorts.

8. Sledding in a winter wonderland.

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Looks like Dad’s acid is kicking in. The look on his face makes him seem like he’s tripping balls.

9. Merry Christmas from the 1980s.

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Boy looks like he doesn’t want his friends to know that his dad’s got a mullet. And he’s thinking why can’t he have a less tacky haircut like all the other dads.

10. “Smile for the camera.”

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Apparently, some of these people aren’t smiling. Or smiling rather awkwardly like they’re posing for a school group photo. Yes, you can go through a lot of takes with that.

11. Unfortunately, photoshop wasn’t invented yet.

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Since someone has their hand out in this photo. Surely the studio could’ve just edited out.

12. When family drama becomes too much.

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Apparently, you’ll see people retreating to the stairwell at many Christmas gatherings this year. Particularly when Donald Trump’s impeachment comes up.

13. Maybe a large group picture with Santa was a bad idea.

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This is especially if some kids are crying. Still, you have to admire Santa taking it in stride.

14. Getting kids to pose for a Christmas card photo must be tough.

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These kids are supposed to sit lined against each other. But none of them want to smile for the camera.

15. No, Santa, that’s not how you hold a baby.

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Seriously, holding a baby by the lower chest just makes you look like a creep. For God’s sake, didn’t they teach you that in Santa school?

16. When you didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas.

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One boy’s crying his eyes out that he didn’t get the new Superman action figure. His younger brother puts his arms around his back.

17. When everyone in your family has the same hairstyle as you.

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Or have to pose for a photo you really didn’t want to be in. Got to feel for the guy in front staring at the camera.

18. Is this family fun time or a hostage situation?

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“Lexie, I don’t care if you hate Christmas music or not. You will sing carols with us and you will like it.”

19. “A deer leg? Just what I always wanted.”

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“Yes, Judy, it’s from that mother doe I shot earlier this month when we had that snow. Not sure where the fawn went.”

20. The more kids you have, the more you can use them for crazy photo ops like this.

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“Now, kids, I’d like you to form a human pyramid while I put lights around you. Tommy can hold the star on his forehead.”

21. When you want a nice wholesome family photo but everyone’s goofing off.

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The dad’s like, “What’s so funny? Why are Karen and Debbie laughing? What’s going on here?”

22. “You want to include the goat in the picture?”

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Yes, there’s a goat in here. The woman has a kid on her lap. The guy’s obviously kind of aghast at as if it was a last minute thing.

23. When you’re forced to pose in a photo with your sibling and in a similar outfit.

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And they’re in ugly sweaters, too. Guess some things never change when you grow up.

24. Am I seeing double or what?

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Well, this depicts 2 guys who are probably brothers wearing the same outfit, and enjoying some quality time with a cat. But one guy isn’t thrilled with the idea.

25. When your humans put you through a humiliating photo op for the Christmas card.

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Dog is like, “Kill me now.” Funny, how this couple’s actually from Pittsburgh. From what I can tell by the Steelers collar.

26. The family that smokes together stays together.

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Of course, a third of that family’s already dead. Due to lung cancer. Because smoking kills folks. Also, that kid with the cigarette really makes his parents look bad.

27. Rudolph, the Red-Nosed-giant hedgehog?

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It’s probably their pet photoshopped in. Because there’s no way in hell that a hedgehog could pull a sleigh. Let alone fly one.

28. When even the dog has to pose in the same holiday sweater.

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The woman’s like, “Is this really necessary? I understand us wearing the sweaters. But did we really have to have the dog wear one? Kind of ridiculous.”

29. “This year we decided to announce that Scotty’s joined the gymnastics team.”

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How else could the son pose in his leotard? Still, got to see the father’s shiny legs. Apparently they’re a thing in the Southwest.

30. Kids don’t understand hand gestures, I guess.

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And little Tony just flipped the bird at Santa. Probably has no idea what it means whatsoever.

31. In the Valley of the Dolls…literally.

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“I don’t want to go in there, Mommy. Those dolls scare me. Please don’t let them murder me.”

32. “Am I the only one to think dressing for the Christmas card was a bad idea?”

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You can see the Christmas tree doesn’t seem too thrilled being dressed like that. Probably knows he’ll be beat up in school if the picture goes out.

33. You’d think this was the family from We Bought a Zoo.

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It’s not. But they seem to have a lot of pets, including a duck and some parrots. Not sure if that’s too many.

34. Sometimes a Christmas photo op might cross the line.

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I don’t know about you. But a dad calling his wife and daughters “ho’s” isn’t a man you’d want to emulate. Also, I can really see the joke.

35. Merry Christmas from one of the families in Toddlers and Tiaras.

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Given that these girls resemble sexualized beauty queens, I don’t have confidence in this couple’s parenting. Seriously, kid beauty pageants should be banned.

36. “I got you a present, Marla.”

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“What is it Travis? Is the weed you’ve been smoking? The shrooms you’ve been taking? I really want to know.”

37. Christmas is often the most happy and jolly time of year.

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And this family doesn’t seem to be that. More like drinking co-workers at an office party who hate each other.

38. Speaking of office parties…

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Yes, that’s Dwight, Jim, and Andy from The Office. Note what’s on Dwight’s head.

39. Don’t pay attention to Mike. He’s just being weird.

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He’s the one with the weird mask. Or is it makeup? Either way, he seems straight out of a horror movie.

40. “Mommy, why did you let that scary man pick me up?”

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Man, that Santa mask is so creepy looking. More like a slasher horror movie. Can totally feel for the little boy.

41. A couple shot is always better with the family dog.

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This just reminds me of all those weird pictures from the 1980s we laugh at. Except it seems rather contemporary for some reason.

42. I’m sure this is either for a Christmas card or a dating profile.

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Celebrating Christmas alone doesn’t really seem right. You can see the desperation in his eyes.

43. When’s Santa coming down?

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Apparently, everyone in this photo seems to wonder that. Since the boy’s looking up in an impatient anticipation.

44. What’s with the navels?

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Says, “Jingle Bellies.” Don’t ask me what the hell that’s supposed to mean. Seriously, this is really fucked up.

45. Santa poses with some elves.

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Looks like it’s one of their vacation photos. I’m sure the Santa’s a mannequin.

46. “Mommy, get that scary man away from me.”

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Yes, that’s another bad Santa mask. And yes, that little girl’s incredibly terrified.

47. When you’ve been in a fight during the last holiday shopping rush.

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The woman also has some piercings. So it creates a rather awkward situation with the parents and grandparents.

48. Apparently, Sparky’s not adjusting well to the new baby.

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And you thought siblings were bad. Her the dog sits on the baby because it wants attention.

49. When you find out that Miss Piggy’s not wearing a bra.

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Piggy, please, cover that up. There’s a kid around. Seriously, have you heard about dressing in layers?

50. That’s a rather interesting gourd.

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Sorry, but decorative gourd season’s been over since November. Also, why did they paint a snowman and use it as a birdfeeder?

51. When you start regretting sitting on the scary man’s lap.

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Yes, the mask is frightening and unrealistic. But as one kid takes it in strive, his brother foresees a sense of nightmarish doom upon the horizon.

52. Do they know Santa’s in this very room?

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He’s basically right behind them near the tree. But the kids don’t really seem as excited as they should be.

53. Sometimes the shirt says it all.

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Here Santa wonders what kind of parents these kids have that their hoodies advertise a tobacco company. And the fact Marlboro has those hoodies in children’s sizes.

54. Sorry kid, but Santa’s had a too few many lately.

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Talk about a sketchy Santa. This guy’s totally loaded on something. What, I don’t know.

55. Dear Satan: Send me cash this Christmas.

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Talk about a sketchy Santa. This guy’s totally loaded on something. What, I don’t know.

56. When you’re a mall Santa who hates his life.

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You can see him hold 3 kids. Two girl cry while the boy sits quietly. And Santa gives a face of disgust over his duties.

57. Sometimes kids can be horrible spellers.

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The kid means “wrapped.” I know that the misspelling gives adults an entirely different image, which goes over the kid’s head.

58. That’s not where you want to smell that gingerbread man.

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Yes, the dog’s sniffing at Al Roker’s crotch. What’s funnier is that this happened live on network TV.

59. Christmas is always a cheerful time of year.

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Not in this family, apparently. Rather this is the kind of family that seems at each other’s throats. One guy’s probably a drinker.

60. Big sister’s not too happy with the new baby.

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Sorry, kid, but I don’t think Santa can send your baby sibling that. Because that’s not how it works. Also, tying up your parents in Christmas lights isn’t a good idea.

61. “Can I pose with my llama?”

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Girl must come from a farm. Since her dad’s also holding a lamb. Wonder what the photographer thought of that.

62. These guys can’t wait for Santa.

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So they’re awaiting his arrival in ducky pajamas. Know that these are grown ass men.

63. You’ll never guess who has a red nose and antlers in this photo.

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Mostly all the members save the father. But one of the boys knows this stunt is incredibly lame and wants no part of it.

64. “Let’s line up wearing our ugly Christmas sweaters.”

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The youngest boy feels like he’s forced into something he doesn’t want to participate in. But I’m afraid he’ll have to face the horror.

65. Girl sits beside a dummy Santa.

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Unfortunately dummy Santa can be just as terrifying as the one you see in the mall. But the girl doesn’t seem to mind. Mainly because she could beat up the doll when it goes after her.

66. When you find Santa totally wasted but must get that memorable shot of your kid.

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Kid seems rather anxious doesn’t he. Maybe Santa shouldn’t frequent the bars on his time off. I suggest he do a 12-step.

67. Peter will always stay true to his Snookums.

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And yes, I mean his cat with a little Santa hat. Though the cat seems to have other ideas.

68. Nativity displays should always be left to the churches.

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Because why involve your kids in a manger display if they won’t take it seriously. Still, kind of feel bad for the angel and you can see a hand.

69. There’s nothing like a Christmas in Antarctica.

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Because you wouldn’t survive without wearing heavy winter clothing. Seriously, this was obviously done in a studio.

70. Everyone should relish in the holiday cheer.

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You can see a couple of blase faces on the couch. Meanwhile two of the women are drinking from bottles.

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree at the Ugly Sweater Party (Sixth Edition)

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Now we get to the ugly Christmas sweaters. What was once the bane of every holiday wardrobe has now become a must-have item for the annual office party. Sure, there may be the traditional fare like Santas, gingerbread men, wreaths, reindeer, Christmas trees, and more. But you’d also see plenty of pop culture stuff and other things. You might see ones for Star Wars, Star Trek, TV shows, movies, and some weird things like sloths, unicorns, and tacos. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of ugly Christmas sweaters. Some may not be safe for work or your family during the holidays. Enjoy.

  1. Go ahead, put that tongue on the flag pole.
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But you’ll have to call 911 if your tongue sticks on a snowy day. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

2. This Christmas, just let it dough with the Pillsbury Doughboy.

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Great to wear when making Christmas cookies. Like the row of croissants.

3. You’d be all lit for Christmas in this sweater.

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Though I’m sure it comes with a battery pack. Santa and Frosty seem to delight in it.

4. Drink up this holiday season.

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This sweater states, “Shut Up and Drink” in gold tinsel. And yes, there’s a beer can in holly.

5. “Fra-jee–lay. Must be Italian.”

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This is a leg lamp sweater. And yes, there are leg lamps from top to bottom. Hilarious.

6. Don’t be a grumpy cat this Christmas.

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Okay, this isn’t Grumpy Cat. But the cat doesn’t seem enthusiastic in a Santa hat.

7. Even sharks can get into the holiday spirit.

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Though I doubt they’d wear sweaters under the sea. One even has a present in its mouth.

8. Someone’s got blue balls this year.

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Well, frosty balls, anyway. Still, guys, please don’t wear this in front of your relatives.

9. Santa’s shown his crack.

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And it seems like he’s wearing a thong while leaving presents. Seriously, shouldn’t he wear something more comfortable? Spending that night sitting on his sleigh must make him sore.

10. This guy’s all decked for the holidays.

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If you don’t have a tree in your office, you can have Gary wear this sweater. And yes, it’s mostly in green tinsel with ornaments.

11. Are all these black cats looking at me?

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This sweater has all of them wearing Santa hats. Perfect for your local crazy cat lady.

12. Apparently, Santa’s a rather horny man.

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Okay, considering it’s a black Santa saying “Hoes, Hoes, Hoes,” there’s some terrible racial stereotyping. Also kind of looks pretty pervy if you ask me.

13. The Scranton Dunder Mifflin office doesn’t always hold the best parties.

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This is from The Office. Michael wears a Santa hat. Dwight wears an elf one behind the Christmas tree.

14. Substitute Teacher’s not messing around.

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He’s from Key & Peele. He’s an inner city school teacher at a white school who mispronounces his students’ names. It’s funny.

15. This guy’s up for any reindeer action.

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Except that reindeer don’t have horns. They have antlers that fall off after mating season. At least along the males.

16. Nike even has ugly Christmas sneakers.

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Normal tennis shoes are a must have. Ugly Christmas tennis shoes are a waste of money. Since you only wear them once a year.

17. May your Christmas be merry and Dwight.

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And yes, I mean Dwight from The Office. Beware of beet presents and bears at Schrute Farms.

18. Even dogs can enjoy the ugly Christmas sweater trend.

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The dog wears a reindeer one with glasses. And no it doesn’t seem happy about it at all.

19. The Abominable Snowman holds up the mistletoe.

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Wonder what kind of abominable snow lady’s he’s looking to kiss under it. Might want to try Nepal.

20. Those into slasher horror will want this sweater for the holidays.

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Sure, they don’t have much to do with Christmas. Includes Freddie, Jason, Mike Myers, and Leatherface.

21. Perhaps you can decorate your own holiday sweater.

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This one depicts snow, lights, and snowflakes with stuff you find at a craft store. Not sure if the sweater’s home made though.

22. Get lit wearing this Christmas tree shirt.

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And yes, this one really lights up. Comes with candy cane striped sleeves, too.

23. Make your holidays a colorful rainbow spectacle.

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Features a rainbow Christmas tree in shiny beads. Love the golden star on top.

24. A shiny penguin sweater will certainly suit you.

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Well, the penguin’s wearing a Christmas tree tie. Decorated with fake poinsettias, ribbons, and tinsel.

25. Perhaps you’d like a Krampus Christmas sweater.

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The Krampus is plush. And he appears rather phallic. So better not wear it in front of the kids.

26. You can be a bit sloth this holiday season.

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Well, this is a sloth ugly Christmas sweater. Because sloths are cute with their eyes and sharp claws. This one wears a Santa hat.

27. Care to wear a little black dress?

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This sweater dress is decorated with silver bows and tinsel on the cuffs and skirt. Snazzy isn’t it?

28. Green feathers always make a Christmas sweater haute couture.

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Kind of makes her seem like the height of fashion. If she lived in Whoville.

29. Christmas Grizzly always knows how to party.

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Because he knows when you need a cold one. Also, he’s supposed to be hibernating.

30. John Calvin doesn’t care much for Christmas.

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Ironic he’s even on a sweater. Because didn’t he not celebrate it? After all, the Puritans didn’t and they were certainly influenced by his ideas.

31. Feel free to don an ugly Christmas skirt this holiday season.

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After all, these ladies did. 2 have winter scenes. One has Santas.

32. Always got to dedicate Christmas to the birthday boy.

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Here this ugly Christmas sweater features Jesus Christ, our Lord. Of course, you don’t want to know what his Easter sweater looks like. Also, he wasn’t treated better than Donald Trump.

33. Are you on the Nice List or the Naught List?

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By the way, if you take green, you’re nice. If you take red, you’re naughty.

34. Yes, they have Christmas sweaters for couples.

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These two have Christmas sweaters with each other’s pictures on them. Isn’t that sweet?

35. Ho, ho, ho, DJ Santa’s in the house.

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Okay, I might want to leave the party right now. I can’t stand Christmas music. Seriously.

36. Tis the season for outlandish tackiness.

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The guy here wears an atrocious elf costume. The woman wears a Christmas tree sweater dress. Not sure who’s tackier.

37. This Christmas, there’s something you must know.

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This is based off a conspiracy theory questioning Jeffrey Epstein’s suicide. Still, the guy was a heinous sex criminal who deserved what he got. So can’t we appreciate that he’s dead?

38. It wouldn’t be Christmas without the Wet Bandits.

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Yes, they’re terrible criminals who you wouldn’t want lurking around your house. But after what Kevin McAllister does to them, I’m not sure whether to root for their doom or pity them.

39. Look, Santa Claus came in on his sleigh.

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Well, he’s dressed as Santa. And his sleigh’s featured on his Christmas sweater. Kind of crazy isn’t it?

40. Don’t forget to put on a pair of ugly Christmas heels.

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Decorated with bows, gold tinsel, and bells. May jingle when you walk in them.

41. Everyone wants a Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich Christmas sweater this holiday season.

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The Popeye’s chicken sandwich was a hot menu item this year. So much that many restaurants faced mass panic as soon as they ran out.

42. Bugs really don’t like this time of year.

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Because it’s cold and many of them freeze and die. But they’ll come back in the spring. I guarantee it.

43. You might want to wear this hat to go with that leg lamp sweater.

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Says, “Fragile” meant to denote the package’s contents. Or Donald Trump’s ego.

44. Who ya gonna call this Christmas?

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This one features the Ghostbusters logo in a standard Christmas wreath. like the rows of decor. So funny.

45. Look out, Trump Grinch is out to steal…..well, everything.

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Says that his hands and heart were 2 sizes too small. You might say the same about his penis and capacity for humanity.

46. Forget reindeer. Santa’s got his sleigh pulled by pterodactyl.

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Sure it may seem cool. But remember those prehistoric flyers have been extinct for around 65 million years. Sorry, kid.

47. She’s not a player. She just gets crushes a lot.

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She means while she lusts in her heart, she doesn’t pursue other men. At least when at least one of them isn’t single.

48. Christmas sweater for 4?

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I’m sure they’re wearing stuff underneath. Since you want your hands free and not be around the same 3 people all the time. So this is just for the photo op.

49. Someone’s dreaming of a Dwight Christmas.

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Still, would you want Dwight to be at your Christmas party? Probably not since he’s really weird.

50. Let me introduce you to Frosty’s alcoholic cousin.

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He’s Frothy the Snowman. A magical snowman with a penchant for beer.

51. Seek Yoda Claus, you do.

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Wears Santa hat and robe he does. Carries candy cane everywhere, he does. Go all over you in a lightsaber duel, he will.

52. Don’t forget to get dressed in your best Christmas suit.

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And this is certainly not one you’d wear for church. Seriously, people will get eye problems looking at it.

53. Let it glow with this reindeer.

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He’s even wearing sunglasses and a matching sweater, too. Like the lights on his antlers though.

54. This Christmas, Santa sleighs the zombies.

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Because zombie elves are no match for the big man in the red suit. Do your worst, you brain-eating undead corpses.

55. With Donald Trump, Christmas trees are fake.

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Still, even if artificial, this Christmas tree’s more real than Donald Trump’s business and political successes ever will be. At least the impeachment will stick on him for the rest of his life.

56. “Spank me, Santa! Spank me hard!”

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Yeah, I know it’s dirty. But there are some people into it. Still, don’t wear this sweater at the family Christmas gathering.

57. Ever see Santa ride a shark before?

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Probably not. But you’d never think Santa could hold a trident or breathe underwater either.

58. Work for Dunder Mifflin? You might want this sweater.

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It’s the paper company from The Office. There’s even paper clips on here.

59. Didn’t think Santa knew how to dunk.

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Here he plays some ball with Rudolph and an elf. And why’s the elf on a basketball team. He’s obviously too short.

60. Yes, there’s a short version for that suit.

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Don’t know why anyone would wear one. Since it looks utterly ridiculous if you ask me.

 

SantaCon Costumes Are Coming to Town (Fifth Edition)

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Now we get to the Christmas outfits. Midway through the Christmas season is SantaCon, a day long public booze fest and orgy that could land a child in several years of therapy. Seriously, if kids see a bunch of drunk Santas around, they’ll have a lot of questions parents won’t be prepared to answer. Like how much does Santa drink? How’s his marriage to Mrs. Claus been lately? And what the hell was Santa doing with that elf in aisle 5 at Wal Mart? Then you have cops who dread this annual debauched Christmas tradition that has started in the States but now has spread worldwide. Now I don’t recommend people to dress up like a Santa, drink a shitload of booze, screw a snowman in public, and get a great Christmas mugshot at the local police station. In fact, you can’t since it was last Saturday. But I do encourage you to look at these SantaCon costumes.

  1. These 3 elf ladies are watching you.
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Though these women are rather naughty. Since they’ll be frolicking on the streets under the influence.

2. These women are insulated in their own snow globes.

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These are made from plastic, by the way. Yet, they wear ugly sweaters underneath. One’s a Christmas tree. The other’s a snowman.

3. Gangsta Santas are coming to town.

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One wears a suit with Christmas trees and wreaths. The other wears a Santa suit. Both have gold chains around their necks.

4. Let’s all hear it for the birthday boy.

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This is a Jesus costume. Though it’s more appropriate for the Easter passion play. But you can’t revel in booze and orgies during that time.

5. Santas always love to party.

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One guy wears a white clown wig. Also has chains over his Santa suit and green shirt.

6. Black fur always brings winter glamor.

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Yet, the skirt is way too short. So if you wear it, put on some leggings as well.

7. She seems quite frosty, doesn’t she?

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Once again, her skirt is too short. And I don’t think the socks will keep her warm either.

8. She takes Christmas in jest.

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She wears a Santa jester hat and sunglasses. The sunglasses say, “Ho Ho Ho.”

9. She walks out in striped socks.

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And she wears a short Santa dress with straps. Will obviously wear a coat at SantaCon, don’t you think?

10. This elf’s ready to please Santa.

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Indeed, since her skirt’s awfully short. If it weren’t for the fake fur trim, she’d work as a stripper Peter Pan.

11. Mrs. Claus always knows what Santa wants.

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She wears a long red dress and a lace cap. And yes, she knows all about her husband, doesn’t she?

12. She must be a flashy nutcracker soldier.

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It’s pink, sparkly, and trimmed with fur. And I’m pretty sure it’s worn by a mannequin.

13. She’s looking for something naught this Christmas.

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Since her outfit seems to resemble some kind of lingerie. Also includes Santa hat.

14. Don’t mess with these reindeer does.

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They just wear makeup and antlers. All the rest is regular winter clothing.E

15. Even Mickey Mouse attends SantaCon.

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He wears a Santa suit with his trademark shorts. Not sure how he keeps warm.

16. This elf is ready to party.

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She wears a green outfit with hood and a green and red tulle skirt. Comes with matching red sunglasses.

17. Kids approach Santa and his gang in Hawaii.

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Well, this doesn’t seem too bad. Santa even wears shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, too.

18. She comes tight laced in her Santa suit.

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Well, it’s more of a leotard. Hope her black pants can keep her warm through the Santa Con revelry.

19. Care to smile for a group photo?

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One’s dressed as a firefighter. Another’s dressed as a snowflake queen.

20. Santa and Mrs. Claus know how to have a good time.

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He wears a Christmas themed Hawaiian shirt. She dons a long fur and velvet red cape. Both wear sunglasses.

21. Just hanging around at the bar.

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You even have a few wise men here. One waves a Terrible Towel for some reason. So is this Pittsburgh?

22. Santa hangs out with a chimney girl.

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Well, she wears an ugly sweater. But she has a chimney hat on. So I’ll count that.

23. One elf carries a large sack.

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The sack is in red and white striped colors to match his sock. Wonder what’s inside it. And do I really want to know?

24. Perhaps a gray Santa suit will do nicely.

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The guy even wears one with presents and snowflakes. She just wears a red Santa coat with a red strapless top.

25. Want to hug a Christmas tree?

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Though he seems more dressed like a Christmas shrub. Even has ornaments hanging on him.

26. Krampus comes to town looking for brats.

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But here he just wants to have a good time. And yes, he’ll scar some onlooking kids for life. Even if they have no idea who he is.

27. These girls just want to have fun.

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Some are dressed in lights. One’s dressed as Cindy Lou Who from The Grinch.

28. Everyone wants to party with these Santas.

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Both of these guys wear sunglasses, too. One even has a rather interesting and unconventional Santa hat.

29. A simple Santa dress will do.