The Madness of the Snowflake King

In this winter of our discontent, there is a term flying around conservative circles called “snowflake” used to describe liberal extremists who get offended by every statement and/or belief that doesn’t exactly match their own. To them, these individuals think they’re just unique as “snowflakes” when they really just have fragile feelings. To be fair, I do believe there are some liberal snowflakes who do exist. But when it comes to fragile feelings and offense by every statement and/or belief not aligning theirs, I think the “snowflake” label describes conservatives much more. For one, conservatives have an entire media ecosystem to insulate them from uncomfortable mainstream truths and assure them their views are perfectly reasonable. I mean when other networks air rather damning stuff on Donald Trump, Fox News runs stupid shit and peddles conspiracy theories. Secondly, conservatives go absolutely apeshit over race related issues such as Black Lives Matter calling attention to police brutality, NFL players taking a knee, and removing Confederate monuments. Third, those so-called “snowflakes” conservatives refer to have had to deal with all kinds of offenses and systematic injustices against them for perhaps their whole lives.

But in the United States, there is no bigger snowflake in the country than Snowflake King Donald Trump. Even before he ran for president and disastrously ended up in the White House, we all know that this guy has a massively inflated ego and self-delusions of grandeur. He sees himself as a successful and brilliant businessman despite being an outright fraud who’s shamelessly engaged in unethical practices and corruption that have ruined hundreds of people’s lives. His presidency will become legend for his incompetence, his Twitter tantrums, his lack of regard for the law, democratic principles, and norms, and his corrupt administration that’s loaded with sycophants. Still, Trump is known to burst over the slightest insult that he’s referred the mainstream media as “fake news” whenever they run a negative story about him. For a president, to discredit the media over the negative stuff about him whether it be his unethical business practices, his flagrant disregard for democratic norms, his lack of respect of democratic values, openly racist tirades, his Twitter tantrums, his incompetence and mental instability, and pathological dishonesty. Even before he became president, Trump was known to at least threatening to sue those who dare challenge him or at least said stuff about him he didn’t like. Sometimes this has resulted in real life consequences. In 1990, he threatened to sue Janney Montgomery Scott unless they fired their securities analyst Mark Roffman. His crime? Issuing a negative forecast for Trump Taj Mahal which was later proved correct. Nevertheless, Roffman lost his job and spent the next few years in a living hell. A year later, Trump threatened to sue any broadcaster or distributor who’d show an 80 minute documentary about him called Trump: What’s the Deal?, which powerfully and disturbingly portrayed him as the fraud he actually is. His effort to suppress the film proved successful.

Recently, a book has been recently published called Fire and Fury: Inside the White House which has been dominating the political cycle this January. Written by longtime New York columnist Michael Wolff, media outlets have run excerpts from it which has resulted in a furious response from Donald Trump. In fact, his lawyers sent a cease and desist letter to the book’s publisher, demanding to stop publication. Not surprisingly, it has become a bestseller as copies fly off the shelves. Still, while Fire and Fury isn’t the most factually accurate account of Trump in the White House, it nonetheless confirms a lot of the dysfunction and disorganization that has characterized the administration. Specifically, Wolff’s book depicts a deeply unprepared, incurious president surrounded by toadying advisers concerned about his ability to do his job. Knowing how willfully ignorant Trump is about how government works during the 2016 Election campaign, this isn’t surprising at all. His lack of knowledge of the US political system was a source of constant criticism. One big instance of that on display was when he promised to pick a Supreme Court Justice who’d “look very seriously” at Hillary Clinton’s e-mails. However, the Supreme Court tries laws, not people. In a primary debate in Houston, Trump referred to federal judges “signing bills” a task the president does in a federal system. As Wolff recalled in his book on how some of Trump’s closest aides spoke of him behind closed doors: “This—insulting Donald Trump’s intelligence—was both the thing you could not do and the thing—drawing there-but-for-the-grace-of-God guffaws across the senior staff—that everybody was guilty of. Everyone, in his or her own way, struggled to express the baldly obvious fact that the president did not know enough, did not know what he didn’t know, did not particularly care, and, to boot, was confident if not serene in his unquestioned certitudes. There was now a fair amount of back-of-the-classroom giggling about who had called Trump what. For Steve Mnuchin and Reince Priebus, he was an “idiot.” For Gary Cohn, he was “dumb as shit.” For H. R. McMaster he was a “dope.” The list went on.”

Now we all know that Donald Trump doesn’t like to read which is a very terrible sign. Because on any given day, a president is expected to read about as much as a college student cramming for a big exam. Thus, as Cracked reports, intelligence agencies have to keep their reports 25% shorter than Obama’s and allow no space for dissenting opinions. Policy papers are trimmed from 3-6 pages down to a single page with lots of graphics and maps. The National Security Council has taken things a step further by “strategically” including Trump’s name as often as possible since he usually keeps reading if he sees it mentioned. But a bigger problem than these oversimplified briefings is that Trump apparently doesn’t even bother to read them. This can lead Lord Cheetohead to embarrass himself in talks with foreign leaders, drafting woefully inept executive orders, or signing off on documents he doesn’t even understand. As Wolff recalls: “Here was, arguably, the central issue of the Trump presidency, informing every aspect of Trumpian policy and leadership: he didn’t process information in any conventional sense — or, in a way, he didn’t process it at all. Trump didn’t read. He didn’t really even skim. If it was print, it might as well not exist. Some believed that for all practical purposes he was no more than semiliterate.” He even quotes Gary Cohn stating, “It’s worse than you can imagine. An idiot surrounded by clowns. Trump won’t read anything — not one-page memos, not the brief policy papers; nothing. He gets up halfway through meetings with world leaders because he is bored.”

Furthermore, Wolff notes how Donald Trump doesn’t seem to understand the kind of responsibility being a president entails. Most Americans are familiar with the idea as of the president as a political and institutional concept, with an emphasis on ritual and propriety. Well, Trump isn’t most Americans since he’s prone to his ongoing Twitter tantrums over stuff that pisses him off. As Wolff writes, “Here was another peculiar Trump attribute: an inability to see his actions the way most others saw them. Or to fully appreciate how people expected him to behave. The notion of the presidency as an institutional and political concept, with an emphasis on ritual and propriety and semiotic messaging — statesmanship — was quite beyond him.”

Wolff also describes him as anti-intellectual as he noted, “For anything that smacked of a classroom or of being lectured to — “professor” was one of his bad words, and he was proud of never going to class, never buying a textbook, never taking a note — he got up and left the room. This was a problem in multiple respects — indeed, in almost all the prescribed functions of the presidency.” Such conduct is very unbecoming of a vast array of occupations, especially if they require a college degree. But if you’re the President of the United States, it’s incredibly unforgivable. Though we know that Trump’s brand contains a very anti-intellectual streak, eschews the advice of experts, doesn’t sponsor any cultural events, and doesn’t express any form of curiosity in anything. He sees no value in science, history, or education. And his campaign might be responsible for why more Republicans might have more negative opinions about colleges and professors they see as liberal elites in their ivory tower. If Trump should call himself a “stable genius” then he’d probably buckle up in the Oval Office, listen to criticism, and take notes. Despite that academics might seem to be in their own little worlds at times, a politician advocating anti-intellectualism is a very terrible thing since it encourages willful ignorance and disinterest in learning and education. And Trump’s willful ignorance and disinterest in anything but his own vanity and enrichment is rooted into his own narcissism and sociopathy since he worships no god by himself and he has no faith than in the almighty dollar.

Nor does Donald Trump seem to have the proper temperament or understand his role to lead a nation. As Wolff recalls, “What was, to many of the people who knew Trump well, much more confounding was that he had managed to win this election, and arrive at this ultimate accomplishment, wholly lacking what in some obvious sense must be the main requirement of the job, what neuroscientists would call executive function. He had somehow won the race for president, but his brain seemed incapable of performing what would be essential tasks in his new job. He had no ability to plan and organize and pay attention and switch focus; he had never been able to tailor his behavior to what the goals at hand reasonably required. On the most basic level, he simply could not link cause and effect.” Cracked has reported that American agencies are withholding an unusual amount of information from Trump. Though Trump has expressed scorn for the intelligence community (particularly when it comes to Russia). However, a bigger concern for them might be his habit of casually announcing classified information to rival governments. In May 2017, during a meeting with Russian officials, Trump reportedly boasted about the quality of intelligence he received every day. He also revealed details of a terrorist plot he’d recently been informed of. The problem with that is that revealing you know something can let someone guess fairly quickly how much you know it which can compromise the original intelligence source who may not have wanted the Russians to know about it. Though America doesn’t need to be hostile with Russia anymore, we know it has very different goals and ambitions than we do. Meaning that we need to exercise a degree of caution when dealing with them. But Trump’s carelessness with intelligence can be more than a one-time problem since in the wake of this story, an unnamed European country warned that they may stop sharing intelligence with the United States because they don’t like Trump compromising sources while trying to impress people.

Nevertheless, Donald Trump’s bizarre behavior has often compelled about his mental state long before Fire and Fury. Just last week, he unleashed a series of tweets which culminated in a nuclear threat of nuclear war with North Korea. On January 2, 2018, he tweeted, “North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un just stated that the “Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times.” Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!” In fact, the book’s very title came from a Trump speech back in 2017 over North Korea when he said, “North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States. They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen.” This at an event that was supposed to focus on opioids. Such statement terrified North Korean experts who worried about Trump provoking a war with another nuclear-armed power. Yet, Wolff noted such words also scared the bejesus out of Trump’s staff as they spent the next week trying to get him to stop talking about it. As Wolff wrote, “North Korea, a situation the president had consistently been advised to downplay, now became the central subject of the rest of the week — with most senior staff occupied not so much by the topic itself but by how to respond to the president, who was threatening to ‘blow’ again. Charlottesville was a mere distraction, and indeed, the staff’s goal was to keep him off North Korea.” To use Charlottesville to distract Trump from North Korea just makes me cringe. This is one of many examples illustrating that Trump is incapable of understanding the consequences of his actions. When Trump does something like fire James Comey, bomb Syria, or threaten North Korea, he does so without any sense of how human beings might be affected. As Wolff writes, “One of Trump’s deficiencies — a constant in the campaign and, so far, in the presidency — was his uncertain grasp of cause and effect. Everyone [in the White House], in his or own way, struggled to express the baldly obvious fact that the president did not know enough, did not know what he didn’t know, did not particularly care and, to boot, was confident if not serene in his unquestioned certitudes.”

But while the White House tries to write off Fire and Fury as “trashy tabloid fiction,” its fallout suggests otherwise. Already, Donald Trump has treated its revelations as gospel truth has launched a blood feud with his former strategist and campaign CEO Steve Bannon. Because on January 3, 2018, the Guardian posted excerpts from Wolff’s quoting Bannon saying some remarkable things about the Trump family. In these excerpts, Bannon called Donald Trump Jr.’s meeting with a Russian lawyer at Trump Tower “treasonous,” speculated that Trump might’ve been involved as well, and asserts that Jared Kushner is involved in some “greasy” business that could expose him to money laundering charges. These revelations not only cut into Trump’s denial of wrongdoing in the Russian scandal but also insulted his family members as well. Neither of which will put you in Trump’s good graces. Interestingly, Bannon’s Brietbart website reproduced some quotes sometime later without disputing them, giving a seeming impression of accuracy. Furious at the Bannon revelations, Trump released an infuriating statement reading, “Steve Bannon has nothing to do with me or my Presidency. When he was fired, he not only lost his job, he lost his mind. Steve doesn’t represent my base — he’s only in it for himself.” Except that Bannon’s Brietbart website is called “the platform of the Alt-Right” who mostly comprise of white supremacists which number among Trump’s most ardent supporters. Anyway, Trump goes on to minimize Bannon’s role in his 2016 victory and complain that he helped cost Republicans a Senate seat in Alabama by endorsing Roy Moore. Look, we all know that Bannon played a pivotal role in the Trump campaign or otherwise the alt-right wouldn’t be a thing. Furthermore, he also accused Bannon of constantly, leaking false information to the media to make himself seem far more important than he was” since it “is the only thing he does well.” Now Bannon is even out at Brietbart over the Trump book controversy over his comments.

It’s not hard to imagine that Donald Trump’s staff never thought he should be president. Nor is it difficult to think that Trump never wanted to be president in the first place. As Wolff frames it, “The Trump campaign had, perhaps less than inadvertently, replicated the scheme from Mel Brooks’s The Producers. In that classic, Brooks’s larcenous and dopey heroes, Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom, set out to sell more than 100 percent of the ownership stakes in the Broadway show they are producing. Since they will be found out only if the show is a hit, everything about the show is premised on its being a flop. Accordingly, they create a show so outlandish that it actually succeeds, thus dooming our heroes.” Though at least Bialystock and Bloom ended up in prison and didn’t doom a whole country. Still, Wolff believes that the Trump administration’s problems currently lie at the concept that even his staff didn’t think he’d win. Why release your tax returns if he’s going to lose? What’s the harm in sucking up to Russia’s government if he’s likelier to build a hotel in Moscow than occupy the White House? Why bother with educating the candidate on major policy issues or build a real platform when he’ll never govern? Or why worry about conflicts of interests or business entanglements if they’re never going to matter? This might explain so much. Yet, even if he was just running for president, those things will still matter.

Still, Fire and Fury paints a picture of Donald Trump through his own tweets, speeches, comments, and actions as well as the constant on- and off-the record statements from his staff. It’s similar to what reporters have heard from top staff at the White House. And similar to what I and much of the American public have long suspected. Trump is not cognitively up to the job of the presidency. He’s not just someone who doesn’t know much about policy or foreign affairs. It’s that he’s someone who doesn’t want to know about policy or foreign affairs. And he dislikes the methods by which you actually could learn about policy and foreign affairs. Thus, Trump’s ignorance isn’t an absence of knowledge. It’s closer to a personality trait and possibly even an ideology, which is even worse.

Naturally, when a man so unqualified for the presidency that his campaign wants him to lose unexpectedly wins the White House, chaos ensues. Suppose you work for Donald Trump at the White House. How would you please, placate, manage, constrain and inform a raging child king? Though the answer is embarrassing. But it’s one Trump’s staff and any foreign government wanting America’s favor know all too well: flattery and sycophancy. Trump’s staff tries to keep their boss from social media with constant praise and putting lots of media in front of him. Also, his staff worry about leaving him alone for hours at a time because he watches too much TV, gets annoyed with what he sees, and throws a Twitter tantrum. Other techniques for keeping Trump happy include hanging a map displaying his electoral victory in the West Wing, planting supporters and planting supporters in crowds as he gives a speech. One instance of the latter had him being passionately cheered while he gave a speech at the CIA headquarters by non-CIA supporters in the front rows for that specific purpose. This pissed off the CIA who consider themselves apolitical and don’t appreciate being herded into a meeting to listen to someone complain about how hard or unfair their job is. He thinks that no politician has been treated more unfairly than him despite that the TV news media has treated him much better than he deserves to be.

And how do you harness the remarkable opportunity you’ve been given to actually build something of value? The central struggle of Trump’s early months was between chief strategist Steve Bannon, Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, and chief son-in-law Jared Kushner. All of them in their proximity to power, saw the potential to build a presidency they could be proud of or at least less disgraced by. As Wolff recalled: “Each man saw the president as something of a blank page — or a scrambled one. And each, Walsh came to appreciate with increasing incredulity, had a radically different idea of how to fill or remake that page. Bannon was the alt-right militant. Kushner was the New York Democrat. And Priebus was the establishment Republican. “Steve wants to force a million people out of the country and repeal the nation’s health law and lay on a bunch of tariffs that will completely decimate how we trade, and Jared wants to deal with human trafficking and protecting Planned Parenthood.” And Priebus wanted Donald Trump to be another kind of Republican altogether … As Walsh saw it, Steve Bannon was running the Steve Bannon White House, Jared Kushner was running the Michael Bloomberg White House, and Reince Priebus was running the Paul Ryan White House.” This struggle was hardly a civil conflict ideal as Wolff records the tree factions’ endless squabbles comprising of leaks, schemes, backbiting, and the outside heavies brought in to change Trump’s mind at the last minute. But the conflict was so immense because Trump is incapable of and uninterested in resolving. Trump never gave a damn about Trumpism since he’s not sufficiently interested in policy, ideology, or ideas to direct his own presidency’s course. Thus, the course will be directed by the most firmly established interests around him like his family the congressional GOP.

Nonetheless, Michael Wolff’s Fire and Fury contains a mystery it never resolves. As he wrote, “It was obvious to everyone that if [Trump] had a north star, it was just to be liked. He was ever uncomprehending about why everyone did not like him, or why it should be so difficult to get everyone to like him.” However, it would be easy enough for Donald Trump to run a presidency that left him better-liked. He could work with the Democrats, ease up the culture war, and give some gentler speeches. There has never been a president for whom the bar is lower than for Trump. It would be so easy to clear it and he’d have people around him happily acting as guides and cheerleaders. But he didn’t do any of that and Wolff’s book doesn’t provide a satisfying answer since it’s a portrait of a man undone by the very forces he unleashed. Because Donald Trump doesn’t care about policy, politics, ideology, or coalitions. All he cares about is Trump. He wanted to put his name on buildings and in tabloids. Now he has his name on the most important building on the planet and on the front page of most every newspaper in the world. Yet, outside a few conservative outlets, the coverage he receives is horrible, the worst of any president in memory. He can’t perform his job well enough to be liked or respected. But he only wanted the job in the first place because it would force the whole world to like or respect him (except it people still don’t like or respect him, including me). And he’s driven to rage and paranoia by the resulting dissonance, disappointment, and hurt. Mostly because he doesn’t understand that running for the most powerful office in the land will not get people to like and respect you. You have to do something to earn that adoration and respect. Sure he might be a rich businessman, but his career and life have been marked by unethical business practices, baffling corruption, inflammatory statements, and other dubious deeds. Trump wants the adoration and respect for doing nothing besides being a rich businessman and TV star.

This wasn’t what Donald Trump wanted and it’s not clear whether it’s something he can bear. A more capable, competent, and stable person would by now, have either changed their behavior to receive more of the response they crave or just given up on getting that kind of attention. Yet, Trump exists in an unhappy middle ground, starting his day with morning rage tweets, spending weekends retreating to one of his golf clubs, searching for validation he craves in his Twitter feed and on Fox and Friends but never getting it from the elite taskmasters he’s always sought to impress. The pressures of the presidency are enough to break almost anyone but Trump is less suited for the work and backlash than most. The strain’s already showing as his workday’s reportedly shrunk to 11am to 6pm. Yet, the bulk of his first term remains to the detriment of us all and it can include his financial secrets being revealed to the world, his family being indicted, and a crisis he mishandles exploding into a catastrophe (like that didn’t happen already in Puerto Rico). The question now is whether Trump’s staff can keep governing around him and whether a dysfunctional president can have a semi-functional White House. And so far, I don’t really know if that’s possible with a narcissistic sociopath like Donald Trump. Because he’s a man who cares nothing about America, has no respect for democratic values, and doesn’t think the rule of law applies to him. A man like him only inspires more chaos and internal stripe which won’t end until he’s out.

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Never Judge a Book By Its Cover – Well, Most of the Time (Sixth Edition)

Summer is also a season where people like to catch up on their reading, namely during vacation. Sometimes it might be a noteworthy work of literature or a page turning read. But other times it just might consist of pulpy paperbacks, Harlequin romances, or Fifty Shades of Grey. Of course, you can’t always judge a book by its cover. Except on the occasions you can which is where I come in. Looking at some of these covers, it’s sometimes easy to tell whether it’s good or bad. Like if it depicts a rather stylized romance scene, especially if the man resembles a Greek god. Or if a sci-fi book has a very ridiculous illustration that seemed inspired by an acid trip. Or if its image clearly pertains to some unsettling subject matter that doesn’t seem quite right. But whatever the case, I hope you enjoy yet another installment of terrible book covers for your reading pleasure. By the way, some of these may not be safe for work.

 

  1. Clash of Star-Kings: The Night the Stars Fell and the Spacemen Rose by Avram Davison

Wonder if that’s supposed to be a mythological figure. I think there’s an Egyptian god who looks like that. But he seems royally pissed right now so proceed with caution.

Now you must bow before the Crocodile lord of all creation.

2. The Boy with Dinosaur Hands: Nine Tales of the Real and Unreal by Al Carusone

Come to think of it, scissor hands aren’t great either. But at least your palms won’t bear ant resemblance to Jurassic Park.

Remember, kids, having dinosaur hands isn’t really as cool as it’s cracked up to be.

3. Cathletics: Ways to Amuse and Exercise Your Cat by Jo and Paul Loeb

Still, this isn’t the craziest cat book I’ve seen. After all, cats do need exercise. Yet, still I wonder what ridiculous workouts this book contains.

Because keeping your cat in the house all day contributes to feline obesity.

4. How to Recognize and Handle Abnormal People: A Manual for the Police Officer

Not sure what they mean by “abnormal people.” I mean that could be just about anyone. Just don’t tell me this book doesn’t contain offensive stereotypes.

After all, a cop needs to know how to respond to all the weirdos out there.

5. Spinning Wheel’s Antiques for Men edited by Albert Christian Revi

I’m sure there are plenty of men who collect antiques. And not just toy soldiers either. Hope those aren’t made of lead.

Who says that antiquing isn’t a manly pursuit?

6. You’re Going to Die by R. A. Montgomery

Seems like this kid’s real disillusioned about life in general. Man, this cover just has to bum you out.

It’s a choose your own adventure story with a depressing inevitable finish.

7. We Like Kindergarten

Look, I understand this book aims to help kids adjust to kindergarten. But that little girl holding the picture must really freak out the parents.

A Little Golden Book by the makers of The Children of the Corn.

8. The Partridge Family #10: Marked for Terror by Vic Crumb

Basically it’s about Keith getting arrested by the FBI and thrown into Gitmo. Those Enhanced Interrogation scenes are a riot.

Who knew the Partridge Family could get entangled in international terrorism?

9. Drivers Licence for Women by Dr. Frank Stahl Ph. D.

How the hell does making out naked near a beach have anything to do with driving? Because I have no idea.

Guess this is how a woman drives with a stick shift.

10. Humiedad Relativa by Justi Zapico

I’m sure the stuffed animals really kills the mood here. Let’s just say nudity and stuffed toys don’t really belong together.

Nothing titillates a man’s libido like a naked woman on top of brightly colored teddy bears.

11. Bang Bang, You’re Dead by Louise Fitzhugh and Sandra Scoppettone

This book is from 1969 but it hasn’t aged well for obvious reasons. Yet, it has kids saying things like “I got you dead!” and “Yeah, we’ll fix those skunks. Let’s chop off their heads!”

Also known as Graphic Violence for Kids.

12. Bear by Marian Engel

Yes, Sandra and Smokey were mad with each other. Yet, Smokey had to constantly watch his claws and animal instincts.

If you’re into hot grizzly action, this is the book for you.

13. “Johnny’s Such a Bright Boy, What a Shame He’s Retarded”: In Support of Mainstreaming Public Schools by Kate Long

I don’t know what this book says about people with intellectual disabilities. But the title doesn’t seem to suggest anything positive.

Winner of the “Most Insulting Title to the Disabled Award.”

14. The Psychic Sasquatch and Their UFO Connection by Jack “Kewaunee” Lapseritis M.S.

You can guess what they’ll be talking about here. Still, Sasquatches aren’t real whether they have ESP or not.

Didn’t know Bigfoot was an alien with psychic abilities.

15. Body Watchin’ Is Fun by John L. Shirley

I’m sure it pertains to people watching. But the photos on this cover make the subject matter all the more disturbing.

Brought to you by the guy who makes people feel awkwardly uncomfortable in public.

16. The Boy Who Looked Like Lincoln by Mike Reiss

Is it just me? Or does book seem goddamn freaky? Also, the other kids all have crazy heads. This book must’ve been written and illustrated on weed.

Finally a book about a kid who bears a resemblance to the 16th President and grew a beard before puberty.

17. At the Butt End of the Rainbow and Other Irish Tales by Clare Warner Livesly

Still, “butt end” really? Is the “butt” really necessary? Or is this a book of Irish bathroom tales? Like “Finn MacCool and His Restless Bowels” or “The Silent But Deadly Scourge of Cuchulainn.”

For when you get to the butt end of the rainbow, you’ll find all kinds of freakish creatures hanging out.

18. Cat Astrology by Mary Daniels

Yes, this kitty horoscope book exists. I know it’s crazy. But apparently there are cat owners who really believe this shit.

Now you can tell your cat’s future by their star sign.

19. Catflexing: A Cat Lover’s Guide to Weight Training, Aerobics, & Stretching by Stephanie Jackson

Catflexing? How is that a thing? Does that woman know how ridiculous she looks flexing with her cat?

Who knew you and your cat can get in shape together?

20. Corporate Attractions: An Inside Account of Sexual Harassment with the New Sexual Rules for Men and Women on the Job by Kathleen Neville

The cover doesn’t seem to give a good impression of sexual harassment and workplace relations. Also, the art just makes it look a bit outdated.

Apparently, these two seem to get along fine, but you’ll never know.

21. Dildo Cay by Nelson Hayes

Believe it or not, this was actually a best-seller and made into a movie called Bahama Passage starring Madeleine Carroll, Sterling Hayden, and Dorothy Dandridge. Movie tagline reads: “The two most gorgeous humans you’ve ever beheld – caressed by soft tropic winds – tossed by the tides of love!” There’s also a real place.

It’s a place of fun, adventure, and erotic stimulation.

22. Drugs and Anger by Bea O’Donnell Rawls

This book implies that taking drugs will turn you in to a raving lunatic who’d use broken bottles as a weapon. You’ve been warned. So don’t start.

Because drugs really bring out the worst in people.

23. Early Detection: Breast Cancer Is Curable by Philip Strax, M.D.

Yeah, that’s not really good placement. Also, breast cancer is a horrible disease that kills women every year. So why does the mammogram machine get the 1970s floral treatment.

There’s nothing a woman enjoys more than getting her own mammogram.

24. Computers & the Beast pf Revelation by David Webber and Noah Hutchings

Sorry, but computers aren’t evil at all. Nor will they usher in the apocalypse. Also, a snake shouldn’t be near one.

Computers are only machines that serve a gateway to sin.

25. The Forbidden Apple: Sex in the Schools by Philip J. Ross and John Marlowe

Still, what I find disturbing about this is that a grown man stands between two teenage girls. It’s implied he’s their teacher. You’d think they’d use a better photo than that for a teen sex book.

Because talking about sex in schools is necessary but often not encouraged.

26. Sexy PHP: A Fun Way to Learn Object Oriented PHP by C.A. Collins

No, PHP has nothing to do with sex. It’s a server-side language used in web development. But you couldn’t tell from the cover.

Cover courtesy of PornHub and GoDaddy.com.

27. Fratricide Is a Gas by Lindsay Gutteridge

Of course, she’s trying to rip your head off. You just fucked her. What did you expect?

Was supposed to be called Manti and Me but the editors didn’t think it would resonate with audiences.

28. Frisbee: A Practitioner’s Manual and Treatise by Dr. Stancil E.D. Johnson

For God’s sake, a frisbee is something you toss to your dog. How do I have to describe it?

At last, a serious academic book of the significance of the Frisbee.

29. Games for Insomniacs by John G. Fuller

Of course, if you have insomnia you could just stay up playing video games. That’s what most insomniacs do anyway.

Finally, you can have fun while you can’t sleep at night.

30. Getting High: How to Really Do It by Dan Clark

Hate to break it to stoners, but this isn’t a book on how to get a buzz from drugs. It’s actually a Christian devotional for teens and their parents. Sorry.

Yes, there’s a right way to get high for teens and adults.

31. Children’s Head Injury: Who Cares? edited by David A. Johnson, David Uttely, and Maria Wyke

That’s a pretty insensitive title since kids’ head injuries can cause serious harm throughout their lives. Also, the Humpty Dumpty motif doesn’t help.

Apparently, nobody seems too concerned about children suffering brain damage these days.

32. Honey, We Lost the Kids: Rethinking Childhood in the Multimedia Age by Kathleen McDonnell

Some people seem to go to great lengths to make the media look evil. That baby seems incredibly creepy along with that Simpsons character with the flaming red hair.

According to the cover, your children’s favorite cartoon characters are conspiring to kidnap them. Keep them close to you at all times.

33. God Speaks to Modern Man by Arthur E. Lickey

“What do you mean my appearance doesn’t adhere to dress code standards. I come from 1st century Palestine for my dad’s sake!”

Just Jesus and the boss casually hanging out at the office.

34. How to Be a More Interesting Woman by Barbara Wedgewood

Based on the cover, I think the book is filled with sexist trash from the Mad Men era. Because I don’t need a stupid book like that to be interesting.

Finally, a book for women on how to be interesting to others.

35. What Would Jesus Craft? by Ross McDonald

Is it just me or a Catholic thing? But isn’t a crucified Christ clock kind of sacreligious? Just a thought.

Learn how to make a crucifixion clock with a tree slice so you’ll know the time to pray.

36. How to Be a Jewish Mother: A Very Lovely Training Manual by Dan Greenburg

If there’s a book about being a Jewish mother, shouldn’t it be written by an actual Jewish mother? Because I don’t think Dan Greenburg has those kind of credentials due to being a dude.

Now there’s a manual for Jewish moms on how to do it right.

37. Jinny Williams Library Assistant: A Career Romance for Young Moderns by Sara A. Temkin and Lucy A. Hovell

I’m sure this book was written because library assistant was one of the few career paths available to women. Still, to call it a “career romance” is a long shot.

Didn’t know library assistants had interesting love lives.

38. Unfit for Command by John O’Neill and Jerome R. Corsi, Ph.D.

This is a book reeking with bullshit about John Kerry which would later lead to the term “swiftboating.” Such a book should be taken off the shelves and thrown into an incinerator where it belongs.

Or “How to Smear a Presidential Candidate by Attacking His Vietnam War Service and Patriotism with Bullshit for Political Gain.”

39. The You Can Do It! Kids Diet by Dee Matthews with Allan Zullo and Bruce Nash

Childhood obesity aside, there’s a reason dieting for kids is so controversial. Parents should consult their pediatrician so I’ll leave it at that.

The how to guide on fighting childhood obesity and perhaps self-esteem.

40. Knife Throwing: A Practical Guide by Harry K. McEvoy

Yes, this is a book about knife throwing. Learn how to throw knives at targets like trees, rodents, and Jen at accounting. Scratch the last bit.

Learn how to throw knives like a pro.

41. Role Models: Miley Cyrus by Dave Robson

I guess she was doing Hanna Montana at the time. Now she’s known for her VMA appearance and “Wrecking Ball.”

Read about the life of Miley Cyrus and how she’s a great role model.

42. More of Jesus Less of Me: An Entirely New Revolutionary Approach to Weight Control by Joan Cavanaugh with Pat Forseth

Christian weight loss guides? Seriously? You’d almost think there’s a Christian answer for everything.

Lose weight the righteous way through accepting Jesus as your lord and savior.

43. We Never Had Any Trouble Before: First Aid for Parents of Teenagers by Roger W. Paine III

Despite what pop culture says, teenagers aren’t really that terrible. But parents are known to overreact and Hollywood validates their fears.

A guide for parents of teens who feel like they’re living in hell.

44. Build an Oil-Fired Tilting Furnace by Steve Chastain

Uh, I think a project like that would be too dangerous. Besides, I don’t think most neighborhoods allow you to build something like that.

Now you can build a piece of industrial technology in your own backyard.

45. Mrs. Allen On All Fours: Develop a Perfect Relationship with Your Pet by Barbara A. Allen

Then again, your dog might think you’re an idiot trying to relate to them like that. No owner should have to bring themselves to that.

If you want to walk a mile in your dog’s shoes, then you might as well go down on your hands and knees.

46. Boys in Control by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

Yes, that’s very inappropriate. Suzy should give Tad a restraining order. Seriously, there are literally laws against what the hell he’s doing.

Finally, a preteen book about sexual harassment, privacy invasion, and voyeurism.

47. What’s a Parent to Do? by C. S. Lovett

Seems like these parenting guides on teens make them seem like monsters. They even have a badge on the arm. Crazy.

Got rowdy teens shaking their fists in revolt? Here’s the book for you.

48. Mother, How Could You! by Eve Bunting

Seems like the mother caught her daughter making out with her boyfriend. And her daughter is pissed. Mother is embarrassed. Also, what’s the mom wearing, a nightgown?

Tagline: “Of all the things for her mother to do…”

49. Pinocchio: Vampire Slayer by Van Jensen and Dusty Higgins

Who knew that Pinocchio could kill vampires? Still, this is hilarious and kind of ridiculous. But not like Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

He’s not a puppet. He’s a vampire slaying real boy who’ll kill blood sucking fiends.

50. Sarah T.: Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic by Robin S. Wagner

Seems like a real brat from the cover. Based on a TV movie from the 1980s.

Read this gripping tale of a teenage drunken brat.

51. The Sex of the Dollar: Street-Smart Financial Planning by Anne Kohn Blau

No, it’s not about prostitution. It’s about managing your money when you earn 20% less than your male colleagues. For God’s sake can’t we instill equal for pay for women already! It’s the least employers and politicians can do.

Didn’t know dollars had a sex.

52. Soil Tasting Manuel: Procedures, Classification, Data, and Sampling Practices by Robert W. Day

Actually, it’s supposed to be: Soil Testing Manual but there were typos. See how books become if you don’t proofread?

Want to know what dirt tastes like? Here’s the book for you.

53. The Square Root of Sex by Ted Mark

By the same guy who wrote The Man from O.R.G.Y. Think Fifty Shades of Grey meets The Big Bang Theory. And set it back to the 1970s.

Before The Big Bang Theory, we had books like these for nerd romance.

54. God, the Rod, and Your Child’s Rod: The Art of Loving Correction for Christian Parents by Larry Tomczak

Here there’s a kid with a bad haircut trying to get stuff out of the cookie jar. Seriously, this cover is messed up.

Instilling the fear of God and corporal punishment will get your kid to lead a healthy life.

55. There’s Power in the V by Takerra Allen

Nevertheless, this cover looks more like a hair salon ad than anything. Also, the type kind of clashes.

Not sure what the hell the V means. Vagina? Just a guess.

56. The Beginner’s Guide to Animal Autopsy

Features a teddy bear with all kinds of mechanized insides. Though most just have stuffing in them.

From this book, you can learn what’s inside an animal and what killed it.

57. My Dad’s Definitely Not a Drunk! by Elisa Lynn Carbone

I’m sure plenty of children of alcoholic parents can relate. Still, the dad’s definitely a drunk.

A novel about a young girl in denial of her dad’s alcoholism.

58. Heavenly Bodies: Remembering Hollywood and Fashion’s Favorite AIDS Benefit by Michael Anketell

Because nothing brings the ravages of AIDS to the forefront like a scantily clad model with wings. I’m sure they could’ve used a more dignified picture for the cover.

Featuring styles from Victoria’s Secret.

59. Weak Link: The Feminization of the American Military by Brian Mitchell

Contrary to what this book says, women in the military don’t make the US weak. You know what does? Electing a sociopathic demagogue with authoritarian tendencies to the White House.

For the manly military men who are so insecure in their masculinity that they think women shouldn’t protect them from terrorists.

60. Rowing: The Skill of the Game by Rosie Mayalothling

After all, there is nothing more manly than being packed on a boat with shorts and an undershit and longingly looking over the guy in front of you. Boy, Jake has it in for Randy hard. But should he tell him?

If you want to know about this manly sport, here is the book for you.

Green Eggs and Hamtastic Dr. Seuss Treats

Roast Beast

Aside from Green Eggs and Ham, Dr. Seuss doesn’t really get into food as much as some of the fantastical stuff in his books. Though there is The Battle Butter Book where the Yooks and the Zooks engage in an arms race over a disagreement on buttering one’s bread. Yes, it sounds silly but the ending is truly dark and disturbing since it escalated to nukes. Then there’s also a book about making the best scrambled eggs with the eggs coming from various exotic birds. Oh, and the fact the Grinch steals the roast beast along with other forms of Who food including the last can of Who hash. Nevertheless, when you look on Pinterest, you’d find so many Dr. Seuss treats for themed parties. Of course, these are mostly for kids. Yet, many of them can be quite whimsical nonetheless. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of Dr. Seuss treats.

  1. Dr. Seuss cake pops should always come in spectacular patterns.

Yes, these are certainly in great Seussical patterns in red, white, and light blue. But they won’t be the only ones you’ll see on this post.

2. The best kind of Dr. Seuss cake has green eggs and ham on top.

This is for a baby’s first birthday party. But it comes with  its own set of cupcakes.

3. You’ll be amazed to find what’s in this Truffula cake.

Indeed, it has plenty of pastel layers inside. Though the Truffulas on it hardly look impressive.

4. You don’t need a special occasion to eat a slice of bread with the Cat in the Hat.

After all, it contains the iconic red and white stripe hat. Also, is in a rather crazy design.

5. Perhaps a Cat in the Hat fruit salad platter can entice you.

Mostly consist of strawberry and banana slices. Yet, makes for a healthy snack for a kid’s party.

6. Hope you have a heart for these Grinch Oreo cookie treats.

Sure the heart might be small. And these are more suited for Christmas. But the Grinch is an iconic character in the Seuss canon.

7. There’s nothing more unforgettable than a cake featuring Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Another first birthday cake in 3 tiers. Still, it’s a bit more festive and Seusslike than the first one.

8. This Lorax lunch will satisfy anyone who speaks for the trees.

Includes a Lorax sandwhich and some Truffula tree treets. Contains a side of broccoli.

9. No child could resist this lunch from the Cat in the Hat.

Yet, the hat seems to be quite small for his head. Yet, the sandwich is certainly in his likeness.

10. No dessert platter is complete without this whimsical Dr. Seuss cake.

Contains imagery from the Lorax, the Cat in the Hat, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, and Oh, the Places You’ll Go. So cute.

11. There’s something fishy about these cupcakes.

Most of these contain one fish. Some have two. Some of these are red. And some of these are blue.

12. For healthier options, check out these Cat in the Hat fruit snacks.

Sure they may contain marshmallow heads with his face. But the hats consist of strawberry and banana.

13. With this cake, think of all the places you’ll go.

Funny how this cake is based on a kid’s book given to graduates. Still, you have to love the colors.

14. Cotton candy makes great tuffs for Truffula trees.

Yet, remember that cotton candy mostly consist of sugar. But you can easily see why they’re great for Truffula trees.

15. If you like Green Eggs and Ham and the Cat in the Hat, then check out this cake.

Even has a long fork into the green ham at the top. Also love the striped hat underneath it.

16. For a hot lunch, you can’t go wrong with a Lorax quesadilla.

Nice that it has some cheesy eyes and a mustache of cheddar. And though it’s not orange, it greatly resembles him.

17. A Lorax pizza can certainly make anyone’s day.

Contains olive eyes and a cheddar mustache. And it’s quite small as you see it next to a spoon.

18. If you liked the Bar-ba-loots, I suppose you’ll take to these snacks.

Funny how they don’t seem to have stuff pertaining to the Humming Fish and the Swamee Swans. Still, these consist of chocolate teddy bear crackers and mini marshmallows.

19. For healthier options, this Lorax lunch is a real treat.

Contains fruit and veggie Truffula trees. Yet, the Lorax here is extra cheesy.

20. These Dr. Seuss cupcakes can’t be beat on any dessert platter.

Includes toppers from the Lorax, Cat in the Hat, Green Eggs and Ham, Oh, the Places You’ll Go, and One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Some of them even have quotes, too.

21. If you’re into the zany, this Dr. Seuss cake will certainly suit you.

Depicts many of your old favorites as you can see. Also, has some crazy decor on the top.

22. If you like Green Eggs and Ham, then you’ll love this bento lunch.

Okay, I think there might be green egg candies and dyed ham. But at least it’s among orange rice.

23. Speaking of Green Eggs and Ham, how about these cupcakes?

These are green velvet cupcakes with green and white icing on them. Still, wonder what the ham cake looks like with these.

24. Nothing makes a great Dr. Seuss birthday party like Cat in the Hat pizza.

Sure it mainly consists of pepperoni. But its perfect for any Dr. Seuss occasion.

25. I’m positive anyone will eat this Green Eggs and Ham cake.

Yes, it’s a cake consisting of green eggs and ham for someone’s birthday. Nevertheless, it almost resembles the illustration.

26. These Sneetch Oreo truffle bites are hard to resist.

Some of these contain two stars. Others just one. But each is special in its own way.

27. If you want healthy snacks, you can’t go wrong with a fruity Thing 1 and Thing 2.

These are mainly comprised of banana, strawberries, and blueberries. And they’re both held together by toothpicks.

28. Seems like the Cat in the Hat wants to wish someone a happy birthday.

Yes, it’s probably from a high end bakery. But you can’t help but love it. So adorable.

29. Bet you can’t guess which Dr. Seuss book comes with these cupcakes.

Let me guess, the Lorax, the Cat in the Hat, Yertle the Turtle, Green Eggs and Ham, the Sneetches, and the Batle Butter Book. Still, the one on the far right is trick.

30. These Cat in the Hat cupcakes will surely suit your Seussical fancy.

The hats here consist of red icing and marshmallows. Yet, all make a fantastical Seuss treat.

31. Get a load of these fishy cookies.

Yes, these are from One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. And they couldn’t use a blue fish since Swedish fish were involved.

32. This Dr. Seuss bento lunch will satisfy any child’s taste.

Yes, another Seuss bento lunch. But at least it has a little more Cat in the Hat.

33. This Cat in the Hat cake is almost by the book.

Well, it’s a cake of the book. But it’s surely an iconic one in the Seuss canon.

34. How about some Truffula tree cake pops on a stick?

Well, Truffula cake pops are surely appropriate for a Lorax themed party. And these sticks are even made to resemble the trunks.

35. Surely anyone would want a Dr. Seuss cake well-stacked.

Okay, this is considerably overboard. But it’s oddly fitting considering Dr. Seuss’s illustrations.

36. These cupcakes make the best Sneetch treats.

As in the book, some of these have green stars. And some have no stars at all.

37. What in the hell are these cupcake things?

Okay, these cupcakes are supposed to imitate Thing 1 and Thing 2. The cotton candy gives the impression of their blue hair.

38. There’s something very grinchy about these cupcakes.

Well, these are Grinch cupcakes. And each has a grinchy face as well as a heart 3 sizes too small.

39. Hope you have a taste for this Cat in the Hat sandwich.

Yes, he certainly looks spiffy. Love what they did with the hat. So adorable.

40. For your Grinchy Christmas celebrations, may I suggest this cake?

Depicts the Grinch in a Santa hat. And yes, he’s bent on stealing Christmas since he’s fed up with holiday consumerism.

41. Nothing welcomes a new fish in your family like this Dr. Seuss cake.

So I guess there are Dr. Seuss themed baby showers. Well, makes sense. But this cake probably has a steep price.

42. Any child who’s read One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish will find this lunch a real treat.

Yes, this is certainly a fishy lunch. Even has a fish sandwich and fish crackers.

43. If you love Oh, the Places You’ll Go, you’ll adore these Dr. Seuss cookies.

Yes, these may be professionally made. But they greatly resemble the book’s illustrations.

44. This Lorax lunch can surely speak for the trees.

Mostly consist of the Lorax sandwich with him in cheese. At any rate, it’s an almost exact likeness.

45. These cheese trees make great party appetizer platters.

By the way, the cheese trees are from Fox in Socks. I know it’s kind of insane.

46. This Lorax cake has a forest of Truffula trees.

And here we have the Lorax on a stump who speaks for them. Too bad the Once-ler didn’t listen.

47. There’s so much to love about this Cat in the Hat cake.

This one is for another first birthday. And yes, it’s almost like you’d see in a Dr. Seuss illustration.

48. This Cat in the Hat muffin tin lunch has almost everything a kid could want.

Well, it certainly includes 6 courses on it. Even a cup of red and white stripes.

49. These Lorax cupcakes will surely make your party a hit.

Consists of the Lorax, Truffula trees, and the Bar-ba-loots. Great for any Lorax themed party.

50. There’s nothing greener to eat than this Green Eggs and Ham lunch.

Well, except a Saint Patrick’s Day lunch of course. But you get the idea here.

51. Green Eggs and Ham cookies will please anyone willing to try them.

Well, they’re small cookies of green eggs and ham. Yet, each is professionally iced in its own way.

52. For appetizers, you can’t go wrong with these Cat in the Hat snacks.

These consist of cherry tomatoes and cheese stacked on Ritz crackers. Toothpicks required which goes without saying.

53. Of course, this would be a perfect cake for Dr. Seuss.

After all, it’s in the form of a book. Also consists of the Cat in the Hat’s hat and green eggs and ham.

54. Nothing makes a kid jump with glee than these Horton marshmallow treats.

These are from Horton Hatches an Egg since it contains a nest. Still, these are cute and fluffy.

55. I’m sure no Dr. Seuss fan can resist these cookies.

Well, they certainly consist of many people’s favorites. Though they’re definitely professionally made.

56. Wake up in the morning with some fruity Cat in the Hat toast.

Also, contains some whipped cream. Part of a complete Dr. Seuss breakfast.

57. These Grinch cupcakes will bring you loads of Christmas joy.

Unlike the other Grinch cupcakes, these have Santa hats on them. But each have a smile and yellow eyes.

58. This Cat in the Hat cake has 3 things on the top.

Guess this is for a kid’s 3rd birthday. Nevertheless, it’s as Seussical as can be.

59. How about some ham for your green deviled egg?

Goes without saying these are from Green Eggs and Ham. Though the ham isn’t green and is much smaller.

60. Which cupcake do you want? Truffula tree or Lorax?

Yes, the Lorax cupcakes all look the same. And the Truffula trees have different colors on them. But can’t the two be able to coexist?

61. This Dr. Seuss cake seems to have some interesting candles.

Then again, they may be made from icing. But at least this one contains many of your favorites.

62. This Dr. Seuss cake seems like it can fall down any minute.

Yes, these cakes can be quite elaborate and rather expensive. But in Dr. Seuss treat post, you can’t leave them out.

63. A Grinch cake can bring you endless joy for the Christmas season.

This one has a house with the Grinch on Mt. Crumpit. I know it’s kind of pretty but also has a whimsical touch.

64. These green egg cookies will surely make a fine addition to an Dr. Seuss dessert platter.

And these don’t seem very difficult to decorate at all. Since green and white icing is all you need.

65. This Lorax snack seems particularly fruity.

The Lorax is made of canned fruit. And he has a Truffula tree with a pretzel trunk beside him.

66. You can’t have a Dr. Seuss party without a Cat in the Hat cake.

This one is a more 3-dimensional model. But it certainly works with the book decor it’s on.

67. Nothing makes kids excited for reading like a Cat in the Hat pizza.

Yes, it’s another Cat in the Hat pizza. But this one has a more curvy look to it.

68. If you liked the Cat in the Hat Comes Back, you might enjoy this cake.

After all, it’s the one where the Cat in the Hat crashes the kids’ home again and eats cake in a tub. Of course, he leaves a pink ring in it.

69. Here’s another cake showing the whimsical world of Dr. Seuss.

Yes, I know I have a lot of cakes on here. But each of them is spectacular as can be.

70. This Lorax cake really speaks for the trees.

This one has the Lorax on top and the Truffula Forest on the bottom. So pretty.

71. If you’re expecting a couple of little tings, you might want to go with this cake.

Even has Thing 1 and Thing 2 onesies. Also like how it’s surrounded by blue cupcakes.

72. As we should remember, a cupcake’s a cupcake no matter how small.

As you can see, these are from Horton Hears a Who!. And each contains a pink clover.

73. For breakfast will it be Cat in the Hat or Green Eggs and Ham?

Yet, I’d have to remind you that the Cat in the Hat one contains more calories. Just so you know.

74. Peanut cookies make great Loraxes.

Now these seem pretty easy. Just decorate them with eyes and a yellow mustache and you’re good to go.

75. A Dr. Seuss lunch should always have a couple of things.

Well, Thing 1 and Thing 2 anyway. But at any rate, this is adorable.

76. For hot summer days, you might want to try a Cat in the Hat ice cream treat.

Comes with a cone for the hat and pretzels for whiskers. Perfect for a Dr. Seuss kind of day.

77. Or perhaps you’d want some Cat in the Hat marshmallow treats.

These consist of marshmallows and fruit roll-ups. And they certainly have the Seussical charm.

78. If you want to keep it simple, this is the Cat in the Hat lunch for you.

Just consists of a fish in a bowl sandwich and Cat in the Hat apple slices. What more can you want?

79. This Dr. Seuss lunch has a little bit from his most famous books.

You see a bit of Cat in the Hat, Green Eggs and Ham, Horton Hears a Who, and the Lorax. There might be a few others as well.

80. Lorax pretzels make a quality Dr. Seuss snack.

Each of these consists of a waffle pretzel decorated with icing to resemble the Lorax. Simple as that.

81. Dr. Seuss pasta should always have zany colors.

Helps if you use blue alfredo sauce, too. Resembles something you’d eat at a Whoville restaurant.

82. Truffula cookies should be served on a stick.

Yes, these are professionally made. But like Truffula trees, they come in a vast array of colors.

83. These Cat in the Hat treats will satisfy any Dr. Seuss dessert enthusiast.

Consists of icing, Oreos, and lifesavers. Pretty simple to assemble a kid can do it.

84. Green egg pretzel bites are a perfect Dr. Seuss snack.

Just consists of icing, waffle pretzels, and green M&Ms. So you should have no trouble making them.

85. With a pear, you can make your own Sneetch treat.

And it almost resembles the illustration. Nevertheless, this is kind of neat.

86. No Dr. Seuss party should ever go without a green eggs and ham appetizer platter.

Well, they’re green deviled eggs with ham slices. But the ham isn’t green.

87. In these Oh, the Places You’ll Go cupcakes contain plenty of surprises.

These are full of sprinkles as you can see. They also have layers upon layers of colors consisting of cake.

88. For a healthy Dr. Seuss lunch, say hello to a grinchy sandwich.

Also has a green egg and apple slices for sides. But yes, you’d want to eat the Grinch sandwich, would you?

89. Now help yourself to some literal green eggs and ham.

Yet, unlike the book, the ham isn’t green. Yet, the eggs are thanks to the magic of food coloring.

90. If you don’t like green eggs and ham alone, these pesto bacon cups will suit you fine.

Still, they might have a lot of grease on them. Yet, they’d be quite gourmet for a Dr. Seuss breakfast.

91. Check out these fishy cookies.

These are straight out of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. And unlike the last bunch, they’re at least the right colors and shapes.

92. You can’t have a Lorax party without a pizza that speaks for the cheese.

Toppings consists of cheese, peppers, and olives. But certainly bears a resemblance to the old Lorax himself.

93. Which do you want fish or hats?

I know these are professionally made. But you can’t help but love them.

94. This Lorax bento lunch is perfect for hikes in the Truffula forest.

That is until the Once-ler comes around and decimates it for his thneeds. Again, I can’t say what they’re used for.

95. Perhaps a more colorful Lorax bento would suit you.

Well, this makes bento box into an art form. Consists of Truffula trees, the Lorax, Bar-ba-loots, Swamee Swans, and “Unless.”

96. For more greens, go with a Grinchy veggie tray.

Though I’d insist, it’s more appropriate for the holidays. Since he’s from a Christmas story.

97. Fans of Oh, the Places You’ll Go would want to have this veggie tray.

This one has a whole variety of veggies cut in different ways. Perfect for any Dr. Seuss party.

98. You can eat this bento lunch here. You can eat it there. You can even eat it anywhere.

Yes, this is from Green Eggs and Ham. And it even has green hard-boiled eggs to boot.

99. For a colorful cake, may I suggest Oh, the Places You’ll Go.

Because let’s face it, the Lorax isn’t a very happy story. Also, you might like some of the cake pops on this. So cute.

100. And finally, the veggies are stacked on this Yertle the Turtle bento lunch.

However, I have to remind you that Yertle the Turtle is an allegory on fascism. And the turtle stacking had more to do with enhancing Yertle’s own ego.

Fun and Fantastical Dr. Seuss Craft Projects from the Truffula Tree Forest

the-lorax-example-page-4

The wide world of Dr. Seuss is filled with so many whimsical contraptions that many would find impossible to replicate in real life. At least one in good working order. But they certainly delight us nonetheless. Yet, you’d also find plenty of Dr. Seuss crafts and other items that might whisk you off to Whoville, the Jungle of Nool, or the Truffula Forest. But you’d find a lot of other places, too. Naturally, many of these usually consist of activities catered toward children. Because plenty of schools and parents make use of them. Yet, you’ll also find plenty of other craft items in Dr. Seuss’s fantastical style. None of them consists of thneeds. However, I’m not sure what the hell one is used for anyway except making money for the Once-ler which leads to him decimating the Truffula Forest. Maybe we’re not supposed to. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of charming Dr. Seuss craft projects. Enjoy.

  1. You can make adequate Truffula trees with pool noodles and tissue paper.

Though you might need t use yellow duct tape for the trunk. Still, if you like The Lorax, these can’t be beat.

2. A Cat in the Hat child’s chair is always a delight in the home.

It’s even painted in blue, red, white, and black. I’m sure it’s made by a pro. But I like it.

3. A Green Eggs and Ham pinata is always full of surprises.

But at least in this one, you have candy. Not food-borne diseases like trichinosis.

4. You can’t steal Christmas without a Grinch ugly sweater.

I know Christmas is a long way off. But the Grinch is such an iconic Dr. Seuss character. So I can’t ignore putting a few in this one.

5. No one can say no to a Green Eggs and Ham snack tray.

It just has the green eggs and ham painted on. Nevertheless, it’s quite a work of art.

6. A Dr. Seuss shelf should always create a colorful impression.

This one comes in 3 sections. But you’d certainly find it at a Whoville furniture store.

7. It’s never out of style to wear a Cat in the Hat dress.

And you can’t get any better than with a Cat in the Hat sun dress. Best to wear on rainy summer days.

8. There’s never a bad time to curl up with a book when you have a Cat in the Hat quilt.

Certainly a crazy quilt indeed with all kinds of colors. But it’s as Seussical as can be.

9. This white bookshelf has a mind of its own.

Well, certainly seems like it. Still, not sure if I’d want to have it around my place. The shelves are uneven which is precisely the point.

10. A crocheted Lorax cap will keep your little one nice and warm.

Sure the Lorax is a fuzzy character since he’s orange and hairy with a long yellow mustache. But he’s not particularly cuddly. Though this hat certainly is.

11. Your little ones will always match with these Thing 1 and Thing 2 crocheted caps.

Well, Thing 1 and Thing 2 are the Cat and the Hat’s main entourage. Still, these are cute.

12. If you like Dr. Seuss, then you’ll certainly adore these chairs.

These consist of the Cat in the Hat, Horton Hears a Who, and the Lorax. And all are in bright colors.

13. Red and white stripes with blue feathers always make a great Seuss wreath.

Obviously, This is from the Cat in the Hat. Since the blue reflects the hair from Things 1 & 2.

14. It’s easy to make a Truffula tree with a long stick and fuzz.

Nevertheless, they come in all shapes and sizes. Also, they all come in pots.

15. A Lorax amigurumi always speaks for the trees.

And here he has a Truffula tree in his hand. Though it would be much bigger than him.

16. There’s nothing better to snuggle in than a square diamond Cat in the Hat quilt.

After all, a Seuss quilt comes alive when you use some crazy patterned fabric. Love this.

17. You can’t have a merry Grinchmas without a Grinch wreath.

Even has a Grinch in the center holding candy. And it’s certainly in the festive Christmas spirit.

18. As we all know, Dr. Seuss taught us that reading is fun.

As this canvas hanging shows. Includes the Cat in the Hat, the Lorax, and One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.

19. Nothing makes reading more fun than a Cat in the Hat shelf.

It’s a Cat in the Hat shelf since it’s depicted in the iconic striped hat. Great for any kid’s room.

20. A Cat in a Hat apron is perfect for any kitchen adventure.

Still, you wouldn’t want the Cat in the Hat in your kitchen. Because he’d just make a real mess in there.

21. The Cat in the Hat could only dream of shoes like these.

Since they match his red and white striped hat. Though I wouldn’t want to walk outside with them.

22. A Cat in the Hat quilt like this can always delight on a cold day.

Yet, another Cat in the Hat quilt. I know you might be tired already. But there’s more to come from the other books.

23. “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, it’s not going to get better, it’s not.”

I guess that’s the last Truffula tree. Yes, the Once-ler really fucked up with his insatiable greed.

24. You can always take this Dr. Seuss tote wherever you go.

Well, this bag features many of your favorite characters. It also consists of red and white stripes.

25. Wouldn’t you want this Truffula tree painting on your wall?

Maybe. But if you’re the Once-ler, probably not. Since it can serve as a reminder of how he screwed up.

26. There’s always a way to say “Merry Grinchmas.”

And I’m sure this sign is just the ticket. Love the green arm sticking out with the ornament.

27. Would you like a crocheted green eggs and ham?

Sure you can’t eat them. But you wouldn’t want to eat the real life equivalent either.

28. Nobody can resist a Cat in the Hat chair with a fuzzy seat.

It even has feet with shoes. Still, what’s not to love about this?

29. With this Lorax lampshade, you can illuminate a Truffula forest.

Though it’s more meant to cast shadows of the Lorax and the Truffula trees. But it’s pretty cool.

30. A hat made of ribbons makes a great Dr. Seuss centerpiece.

I guess this is for a Cat in the Hat themed party. But it’s spectacular.

31. Why have one candy dispenser when you can use 2?

Appropriately enough these are in the likeness of Thing 1 and Thing 2. And they both have blue feathered hair.

32. Nobody could ever resist stealing an amigurumi Grinch.

Sure he may not be in his Santa suit. But he sure as hell doesn’t seem like his heart is 3 sizes too small either.

33. Nothing can make your day like a Cat in the Hat bouquet.

Yet, the hat vase has a more twisty, turny stripe pattern. Still, this is perfect for any Dr. Seuss occasion.

34. You can always enjoy reading in this Dr. Seuss rocking chair.

At least I think it’s a rocking chair. But it only uses a few colors for simplicity.

35. This Lorax tote is 100% ec0-friendly.

At least compared to thneeds. For I’m not sure what they do. Still, better than paper or plastic.

36. This chair’s been painted in a real Seuss style.

And it seems to be in a more artistic style than some of the other ones. Like the patterns on the back.

37. How about some Truffula trees on poles.

Well, at least they stand up straight. Though don’t the Truffula trees in the book kind of bend down a little like palm trees?

38. If you love the Grinch, then this panel should tell you the real meaning of Christmas.

This one depicts the Grinch seeing the Whos sing together after he stole all their stuff. Of course, he can’t stop Christmas from coming.

39. Check out these Lorax shoes.

They certainly have great Seuss artwork on them. But the Cat in the Hat ones are much simpler to do.

40. You’d find that this Cat in the Hat bookshelf really comes in handy.

This is kind of neat. Uneven and with everyone’s favorite characters from the book.

41. Welcome guests to your home with a Cat in the Hat wreath.

Even has the Cat in the Hat on it. And it’s in classic colors from the book.

42. There’s something fishy about this chest of drawers.

It’s from One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. But it’s certainly great for a little kid’s room.

43. You can always read and keep warm in this Dr. Seuss quilt.

This one depicts many of the all time favorites. And each square has a lot of colorful illustrations.

44. You can even make your own felt Dr. Seuss hat.

Well, this is the one from the Cat in the Hat. But sure, it’s possible.

45. Grace your table with your very own Truffula tree wreath.

It’s set on the table so the Truffula trees can stand up. Kind of clever if you think about it.

46. Nothing makes your guests feel welcome than this Cat in the Hat wreath.

Couldn’t pass this one up. Since it has his face as well as red tulle and white ribbons.

47. Amigurumi Thing 1 and Thing 2 will bring you loads of fun.

Where the Cat in the Hat be without them? Still, you have to like their blue hair.

48. Thing 1 and Thing 2 always make a perfect pair.

Well, they certainly match in almost every way. Still, without their suits, you can barely tell them apart.

49. You’ll always look sharp with a Cat in the Hat ribbon pin.

Doesn’t seem that hard to make by the looks of it. Though I could be wrong.

50. I’m sure anyone would want to have this Dr. Seuss bookshelf from Whoville.

Comes in an array of different colors. But always fits best in a corner.

51. If you like Dr. Seuss, then you’d love these canvas quotes.

These are all painted, by the way. Each one depicts an illustration from a Dr. Seuss book.

52. For Christmas, you might want to steal this sign.

Okay, I was kidding on that one. But for a panel sign, this is absolutely perfect.

53. There’s nothing fuzzier to love than a Lorax wreath.

Well, he’s supposed to be furry. But I’m sure the face really looks like him.

54. You’re always invited for fun with this Cat in the Hat wreath.

This one has the trademark Dr. Seuss hat. Goes nicely with the ribbons and decomesh.

55. This Seuss quilt is one crazy patchwork after another.

Another quilt that has a lot of your old favorites. Love the use of covers.

56. You’ll always have a seat on this Dr. Seuss rocking chair.

Yet, I have a feeling this is more meant for kids. But I appreciate the paint job.

57. No nursery is ever complete without a Dr. Seuss mobile.

After all, a baby should have a mobile depicting what you’d read to them before bedtime. So cute.

58. When you go to the beach, you can cuddle with your amigurumi Star-Bellied Sneetch.

Yet, to be fair, the Star-Bellied Sneetches aren’t the nicest bunch. Since The Sneetches story is about racism.

59. You can have loads of fun on rainy days with this Cat in the Hat peg doll set.

Includes the Cat in the Hat, Sally and her brother, and Things 1&2.

60. If you enjoy Green Eggs and Ham, then I suppose you’ll rave about this quilt.

Seems like it’s more colorful than the Cat in the Hat ones. But please enjoy the illustrations.

61. This Cat in the Hat chair has a back with red and white stripes.

Well, this looks whimsical enough for story time. And it has the Cat in the Hat on the seat.

62. Hope you keep warm this Christmas season with this crocheted Grinch cap.

It’s bright green in order to stand out, too. Great for any yuletide winter’s day.

63. Perhaps you might guess the books on these samplers.

I’m sure you’ll have no trouble with them. But each one consist of a felt image.

64. Bet you want to get squeaky clean with this Dr. Seuss shower curtain.

Still, make sure you have a plain plastic one that goes under it. Because I don’t think such a design is practical without it.

65. Curl up this Christmas season with this Grinch quilt.

Well, that’s an interesting design. Funny, how I show a lot of quilts on this post for some reason.

66. Hope you might try having this Green Eggs and Ham shelf around.

It’s orange with green inside the shelves. Even has Sam I Am with his trademark cuisine on the side.

67. With these Cat in the Hat blocks, your child could learn their ABCs.

Each one is in a whimsical design. You can even see the Cat in the Hat himself on some of them.

68. There are always fun things to do with this Dr. Seuss stool.

But make sure it doesn’t end up in a science lab, workshop, or an art room. Since it’s richly painted.

69. Rest your head on a couch with this Dr. Seuss cushion pillow.

Features your favorite Dr. Seuss stories. And has a black and white fringe. So lovely.

70. Got a broken globe? How about make a lamp like this?

That’s for Oh, the Places You’ll Go! Yes, it’s certainly fitting in a way.

71. Perhaps you’d want a sample of green eggs and ham.

Well, that’s a rather detailed sampler. Like how they used the buttons as yolks.

72. Hope this old globe will show all the places you’ll go.

Now normally, I usually advise against decorating globes like this, But this kind of works.

73. That red shelf seems to have some personality.

Well, the white one is quite plain compared to this. But it certainly has the Seuss spirit.

74. You can always share a book when sitting on this Cat in the Hat rocking chair.

That one has a rather stellar design. And it has a striped hat on the seat.

75. Nothing says Christmas fun like a set of Grinch peg dolls.

Includes the Grinch, Max, Cindylou Who, and a Christmas tree. All in all, it’s quite clever.

76. No kid wants anything more than to cuddle with an amigurumi Cat in the Hat.

Well, his head is a little big for his body. But nevertheless, he’s adorable.

77. With Seuss baby bibs, your baby will sure look forward to dinner time.

Consists of a set of 3. And each is in a different pattern. But any tot will love them.

78. No elementary teacher should ever go without this Dr. Seuss wreath.

After all, many Dr. Seuss books are targeted for grade school kids. Yet, this one is certainly school oriented.

79. As it can be there’s always a great wide world for us to see.

Well, it’s a panel depicting a map of the world. Of course, it has to say, “Oh, the places you’ll go!” on it.

80. Wonder if the houses in Whoville resemble this.

Yes, it’s a Dr. Seuss style birdhouse. And yes, you can find ones in all different colors on Etsy.

81. These crocheted hats are perfect for a couple of little things.

After all, these are kids’ hats with designations of Thing 1 and Thing 2. And yes, they’re cute.

82. There’s something curvy about this birdhouse.

Yes, it’s another Dr. Seuss birdhouse. But this one is a bit wavier than the other. But it certainly belongs to Whoville.

83. Don’t leave home with Cat in the Hat tote bag.

This one even has straps you can fasten it with. Pretty ingenious don’t you think?

84. Nothing makes your bedroom better than a wavy blue dresser.

Though I’m not sure how you’re supposed to fit clothes into it. But it’s great for any Suessical bedroom.

85. Fans of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, might enjoy this fishy quilt.

The book itself doesn’t have much of a plot. But the images are fantastic nonetheless.

86. It always works best with a Cat in the Hat chest.

It’s just a plastic chest painted with Cat in the Hat stuff on it. But I hope it keeps all your kid’s toys.

87. This Green Eggs and Ham quilt has some crazy patterns.

And indeed, it does. But it also has a certain whimsical charm to it, too.

88. Rest your head on this Cat in the Hat cushion.

Includes a quote by Dr. Seuss on it by the way. Still, you can’t help but love this.

89. Protect your hands in the kitchen with this Green Eggs and Ham oven mitt.

Since Green Eggs and Ham pertains to food, this is rather fitting. But please, real green eggs and ham wouldn’t pass a health inspection.

90. A burlap Grinch wreath should always suit your fancy on Christmas.

This one includes some lines from the book. But the Santa hat and green burlap sure go nice together.

91. Who knows where you’ll go with these shoes.

Well, since these are from Oh, the Places You’ll Go, it’s only fitting. But I love the art on these.

92. These Dr. Seuss pot holders are always essential for the kitchen.

And it helps that they’re both in the same design. Best to go with the Green Eggs and Ham oven mitt.

93. With this wreath, the Cat in the Hat welcomes you.

This one even includes Thing 1 and Thing 2. But yes, it’s surely and inviting sight.

94. You’ll always look spiffy with these Dr. Seuss bowties.

After all. old Ted Geisel himself liked to done one all the time. Still, these are great.

95. Enjoy your coffee in the morning with this Cat in the Hat ceramic mug.

Includes a striped handle and top. Sure it only depicts the hat. But it’s good enough.

96. Make sure to take this pillow with you while you travel.

Naturally, it’s for Oh, the Places You’ll Go. The hot air balloon gives it a touch of whimsy.

97. This Cat in the Hat apron will make anyone a kitchen maven.

Still, it looks quite pretty. Not sure whether I’d want cook with that on.

98. Instead of a thneed, cuddle in this Lorax quilt.

After all, thneeds are utterly useless unlike the Once-ler says. But this one is quite colorful with scenes from the book. And it doesn’t use any Truffula trees.

99. Make your guests feel right at home with this Cat in the Hat wreath.

Unlike some of the other wreaths, this yarn one isn’t too flashy. Just has his trademark hat and a bowtie.

100. Be a maven in the kitchen with this Lorax apron.

Well, it depicts some Truffula trees. Hope none of them get cut down. Oh, wait, they do.

The Great Wide Whimsical World of Dr. Seuss Costumes

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With their rhyming schemes, illogical logic, fantastical buildings, nonsensical vocabulary, and spectacular illustrations, the works of Dr. Seuss have entertained generations of children for 80 years with And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street. Since then, Dr. Seuss would write more than 60 books which would sell over 600 million copies and be translated into more than 20 languages by the time of his death. They’ve also spawned numerous adaptations such as 11 TV specials, 4 feature films, 2 Broadway musicals, and 4 TV shows. Many of these books have become literary classics for the ages like The Cat in the Hat, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!, Green Eggs and Ham, Horton Hears a Who!, If I Ran the Zoo, Fox in Socks, Hop on Pop, I Had Trouble Getting to Solla Sollew, The Lorax, The Battle Butter Book, and Oh, the Places You’ll Go. Born Theodore Seuss Geisel in Springfield, Massachusetts, he adopted the name “Dr. Seuss” during his days at Dartmouth and Oxford, the latter from which he dropped out from to work as an illustrator and cartoonist for Vanity Fair, Life, and other publications. Though to be fair, he adopted the name “Dr. Seuss” during his Dartmouth days in the 1920s so he can continue working as editor-in-chief for The Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern under the administration’s nose. Because they caught him drinking gin in his room with 9 of his buddies and told him to resign from all extracurricular activities, including the magazine. Yet, he also worked as an illustrator for Standard Oil’s advertising campaigns and a political cartoonist for the New York newspaper PM. Nevertheless, Dr. Seuss’s books surely belong to a world of their own. Though he never had kids of his home and kind of hated them, his kids’ books are still being read to this day.

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Since Dr. Seuss’s work is so significant in children’s literature, the National Education Association has adopted his birthday March 2, as Read Across the America Day. And it’s not unusual to see many elementary school teachers dress up in Dr. Seuss costumes or decorate their rooms to fit into Dr. Seuss’s world of fantastical whimsy. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you an assortment of Dr. Seuss costumes by his fans of all ages.

  1. As you can see, you’ll find plenty of fish in the sea.

Well, these seem simple enough with One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Unfortunately, the Star Trek version is Gold Shirt, Blue Shirt, Red Shirt Dead Shirt.

2. You can’t stop until you have 10 apples on top.

I’m not familiar with this book. Guess it’s one of the Dr. Seuss’s more obscure works.

3. You can’t celebrate Christmas without looking like the latest thing in Whoville.

Nevertheless, I may not be a fan of fashion magazines. But I’d certainly would love to see what one in Whoville looks like. Also, like the hair.

4. For a simpler costume, may I suggest Daisy Head Mayzie?

Never heard of this book either. Then again, it was originally published in 1995, 4 years after Dr. Seuss died.

5. Horton always insists on keeping his word because an an elephant is always faithful 100%.

This is from Horton Hatches the Egg where he agrees to sit on the egg for an irresponsible bird name Mayzie as she takes a trip to Palm Beach. Yet, the Horton Hears a Who costume is far more common.

6. “I am the Lorax and I speak for the trees.”

Too bad the Once-ler didn’t listen to him and turned the Truffula forest into a wasteland out of greed. Still, this is a cute costume.

7. How about try some green eggs and ham?

Yes, Sam I Am is certainly a popular costume. However, though harmless in the Seuss world, nobody should eat green eggs and ham, which can make you vomit.

8. Nobody can resist this star-bellied Sneetch.

However, know that this sneetch has a star on its belly to exude its racial superiority over the bare-bellied ones. Because star-bellied sneetches are racist.

9. Would you like green eggs and ham?

Yes, it’s another Sam I Am costume. And yes, it has a fork in his green eggs and ham.

10. Looks like she has a wocket in her pocket.

That’s from a book about strange creatures living in a boy’s house. Still, this is adorable.

11. You better listen to the Lorax and not cut Truffula Trees for thneeds.

Because the Lorax doesn’t mess around. Too bad the Oncler is more concerned with growing his business to even care.

12. I bet this little Grinch wants to steal Christmas.

He even has a stuffed dog with reindeer antlers. Love the green fur.

13. Thidwick, the Big-Hearted Moose always has room on his antlers.

Though the creatures residing on his head are basically taking advantage of him. Still, this a Seuss costume you don’t normally see.

14. Even the Grinch can’t resist this little Cindylou Who.

This one just consists of a pink shirt, a cute hairstyle, and black pipe cleaners. So adorable.

15. The Lorax loves hanging out with the Bar-ba-loots and the Once-ler.

Though keep in mind, the Once-ler never shows his face. Still, these are cute.

16. Now this is a literal Cat in the Hat.

Though she’s probably one of the cats who come out of the Cat in the Hat’s hat. Yet, it’s surely an inventive costume.

17. Up on Mount Crumpet, Max the Grinch’s only friend.

Even has an antler on his head. Nevertheless, this is a pretty simple costume to make.

18. As we all know the Cat in the Hat is accompanied by Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Well, I had to put in the Cat in the Hat at some point. After all, it’s Dr. Seuss’s most famous book.

19. There’s something fishy about this little girl.

I have to admit this is quite clever. Like how it just consists of fish on a yellow dress.

20. Horton will always try to preserve Whoville since a person’s a person, no matter how small.

Here’s the Horton Hears a Who costume. This one just consists of ears, T-shirt, and an air vent pipe.

21. The Cat in the Hat never leaves without the Things.

Helps if the Cat in the Hat has his blue umbrella. Still, the things are so sweet.

22. These things were born to teach.

Yes, these are elementary school teachers dressed as Thing 1 and Thing 2. And yes, they didn’t use any blue hair.

23. These Truffula trees will never leave their Lorax or Bar-ba-loot behind.

Well, the Truffala trees look easy for the parents. Hope they don’t see the Oncler any time soon.

24. Have you ever seen a fox in socks?

Nice she has the book with her. Still, Fox in Socks doesn’t really have much of a plot since it’s a beginner book.

25. Hope you enjoy this green eggs and ham.

In the Seuss world, green eggs and ham is mostly harmless. In the real world, such a dish needs thrown out since it can cause trichinosis.

26. Dr. Seuss is always a hit for the whole family.

Consists of the Cat in the Hat, the Grinch, the Lorax, and the Fish in the Bowl. Like how they used the wagon.

27. Wearing socks on your limbs is always foxy.

Yes, it’s another fox in socks. But this one has bigger ears and a shorter tail.

28. My, that’s a beautiful Truffula tree.

This one has a pink tuff and a long striped dress. Hope she doesn’t run into the Oncler anytime soon.

29. Don’t mess with the Lorax or the Truffula trees.

Even has a Truffula tree to carry. Like the fuzzy yellow whiskers. Brilliant.

30. The fish in the bowl is always a voice of reason.

Well, at least in the cartoon. Then again, it might be a different Dr. Seuss fish.

31. Wouldn’t any girl want to have a daisy on her head?

Sure it’s another Daisy Head Mayzie. But I guess it’s an easier costume to do.

32. There’s a lot to love with this Lorax family.

Well, this is more from the CGI movie since a couple of the characters aren’t in the original book. Also, we only see the Once-ler’s hands.

33. You’re never too old for Fox in Socks.

Then again, she’s probably a teacher. But this fox costume doesn’t seem to require much.

34. You’ll find a lot of things in this family.

There’s even a Thing Mom. So who’s the Thing Dad? Maybe I don’t want to think about it.

35. This fuzzy little Lorax just wants you to stop exploiting Truffula trees.

Well, the Lorax is furry and has a fuzzy mustache. So this kind of sticks.

36. Here we have Sam I Am with green eggs and ham.

Helps if the green eggs and ham are on a skillet. Though they wouldn’t pass health inspection.

37. Nothing pleases like a happy star-bellied sneetch.

Except having to integrate with a bare-bellied sneetch. Yet, this is a clever costume.

38. Seems like this family really takes to Dr. Seuss on Halloween.

Consists of the Grinch, a Star-Bellied Sneetch, Cat in the Hat, Cindylou Who, and Things 1 and 2. So sweet.

39. Yertle the Turtle seeks to rule all turtle kind.

By the way, Yertle the Turtle is a stand-in for Adolf Hitler. He makes the other turtles stand up so he can see further and expand his kingdom.

40. The Cat in the Hat always knows where it’s at.

Still, while he might be a fun guy, he can show up without warning. Also, doesn’t seem to care most of the time.

41. How about some green eggs to go with that ham?

That’s a rather inventive costume. Still, kids, don’t eat green eggs and ham. It’s unsanitary and could make you deathly ill.

42. Celebrate Christmas with Cindylou Who and the Grinch.

Well, these are adult costumes. But hope the Grinch doesn’t steal your Christmas. Oh, wait, he can’t.

43. A black cat should always have a long striped hat and a red bow tie.

This is a Cat in the Hat tutu costume for women. Not my cup of tea but not bad.

44. You can always count on Horton to lend a helping hand.

After all, he’ll save Whoville if it’s the last thing he does. By the way, this is a Horton tutu costume.

45. Daisy Head Mayzie can always do with a flower on her head.

Once again, I’m not familiar with Daisy Head Mayzie. But this is kind of cute.

46. You’d almost think this Lorax could scare off a lumberjack.

Though the Lorax didn’t exactly carry a bag with him. Still, this is most likely a kid’s costume.

47. A Cat in the Hat should always stun.

Yet, another tutu Cat in the Hat costume. Because he’s such an iconic Dr. Seuss character.

48. She must be from the punk side of Whoville.

What else could explain that distinctive hair style? Still, I think it’s quite clever.

49. Green eggs should always go with the ham.

And yet some green eggs and ham costumes. But these go together as a group.

50. The family that always reads Dr. Seuss together stays together.

Consists of Cat in the Hat, Sam I Am, a Star-Bellied Sneetch, and Things 1 and 2. Love this.

51. Nobody can ever forget the Cat in the Hat’s sidekicks Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Well, these kids are cute. But the white makeup seems to provide a creepiness to them.

52. Cindylou Who always looks perky in pink.

Well, this is more of a pink Santa dress. But it’s certainly appropriate.

53. The Lorax always feels at home in the woods.

After all, the Lorax speaks for the trees. Hope he doesn’t see any loggers nearby.

54. This cat’s hat really stands out.

Helps if he has a little fish in the bowl as a trick or treat bag. So adorable.

55. There’s something fishy about this guy.

Mostly because he’s the Fish in the Bowl from the Cat in the Hat. And he usually serves as the voice of reason.

56. Thing 1 and Thing 2  always enjoy the classroom.

I suppose these are elementary school teachers. Like the tutus.

57. Cindylou Who surely hopes to join the Christmas festivities.

Well, that’s cute. Love the little red cape and the Who hairstyle.

58. Nobody can resist little Cindylou Who with a large red bauble.

Well, she at least has pigtails and long lines in her hair. So adorable.

59. Seems like we have all kinds of fish in this bowl.

There’s one fish, two fish, red fish, and a blue fish. Just like that Dr. Seuss book.

60. I’m sure you’d want to cuddle this little star-bellied Sneetch.

Of course, this kid probably has no idea what the Sneetches story is about yet. Yet, so cute.

61. Thing 1 and Thing 2 are always at your service.

Don’t tell me that they have sexy costumes of Dr. Seuss characters. Because Dr. Seuss should never be sexy. His books are for children for God’s sake.

62. Yertle is the king of all turtle kind.

However, Yertle is obsessed with expanding his power that he’s willing to exploit his fellow turtles for his own benefit. He’s not a nice guy.

63. Who children are always up for a Christmas parade.

After all, everyone in Whoville loved Christmas a lot. But the Grinch who lived just north of Whoville, did not.

64. These things always get around on all fours.

Yes, these are dog Thing 1 and Thing 2 costumes. And yes, I’m sure someone would find them cute.

65. I thought there are only supposed to be 2 Things not 3.

Then again, if you want to dress in the same costume, who’s going to stop you. Still, have to put them on the post.

66. Cindylou Who shine in her candy cane dress.

Sure it’s an adult Christmas costume. But it’s cute nonetheless. Like the hair.

67. We seem to find all kinds of fish here.

Includes, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, old fish, and new fish. And it seems they’re all teachers.

68. When you’re a thing, you got to have blue hair.

Seems like it to these girls. They even have blue tutus to match.

69. This Lorax family always speaks for the trees.

Consists of the Once-ler, a Truffula tree, the Lorax, and a Bar-ba-loot. Yet, remember we never see the Once-ler’s face.

70. Whos always know how to party.

This is especially during the Christmas season. And these two are going all out.

71. You’ll surely know what kind of fish these are.

Just remember the rhyme of one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, old fish, new fish. Simple as that.

72. What’s a Whoville girl without a crazy hairdo and dress?

I mean we should know how Who women and girls dress. But this is so adorable.

73. Bet you’ve never seen Truffula trees like these.

Sure they may seem pretty now. But as far as the Once-ler is concerned, they’re resources to be shamelessly exploited.

74. Seems like this Lorax is meant for a different forest.

Once again, please don’t make Dr. Seuss sexy. Seriously, his books are for children!

75. A Sneetch should have an ample amount of feathers.

Well, this doesn’t appear to be a difficult costume. Yet, we all know why she wears her star on her torso with pride.

76. What’s with that daisy, Mayzie?

Actually, it’s supposed to grow out of her head. I know it’s crazy. But hey, this is the Seuss verse.

77. The Once-ler is a man with great style.

Well, he certainly rocks in that green, striped suit. Yet, we all know how he got a hold of it.

78. Who can ever forget Gertrude McFuzz and her spectacular tail?

Gertrude McFuzz is a story about a bird who feels inadequate in her tail feathers. So she tries to change herself. This is the result.

79. Hope you can join Cindylou Who and the Grinch for Christmas time.

Though the Grinch would prefer you not to, especially when he’s wearing that humiliating sweater. Though the guy looks pretty cool in his costume.

80. The Once-ler can always rock it with his electric guitar.

Well, this is more from the movie. But yes, he certainly looks great in his green suit, indeed.

81. Perhaps you might like a bite of his green eggs and ham?

I’m sure you can’t resist this little guy as Sam I Am. So sweet.

82. The Once-ler’s quite taken with that Truffula tree.

Hey, Truffula Tree, don’t go near him. He wants to cut you down and make you into a thneed.

83. This little Lorax loves a fuzzy tree.

Doesn’t hurt if his costume is fuzzy either. But he speaks for the trees. So cute.

84. It’s only fair for Thing 1 and Thing 2 to wear red dresses.

Not too bad. But at least it doesn’t look like the sexy version. Like how they’re wearing blue leggings.

85. Of course, Cindylou Who can have yellow hair strands.

Yet, she still wears pink and has a red bauble with her. So sweet.

86. Well, these two Whos are in the Christmas spirit.

Apparently, some people like to dress up as Whos during the Christmas season. But these costumes are at least green and red.

87. Here are some Whoville children in their back to school best.

Funny how the Grinch is wearing a suit. Yet, wonder how long it takes Whoville women to do their hair.

88. Hope this costume reminds you of all the places you’ll go.

It’s from the Dr. Seuss book people get for their graduations. But she certainly resembles the cover.

89. Is that a Noothbrush?

Well, it’s kind of hard to explain since it appears in There’s a Wocket in My Pocket. Nevertheless, it’s an interesting choice.

90. Perhaps you might want to check out this fish suit.

It’s more or less supposed to reflect One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Still, it’s pretty creative.

91. One wonders all the places this little guy goes.

Helps if it’s a box with balloons. Still, this baby is so cute in it.

92. Yertle is always lord of all turtles.

This is a more plain version. But then again, the turtles all looked the same in the story.

93. Nobody could resist a fox in socks.

This one has a girl in a red tutu and furry ears. Yet, she is so irresistibly cute.

94. These things always stick together.

Guess this is the couple’s costume of Thing 1 and Thing 2. And both sport red shirts and blue hair.

95. If you’re a bird in Seuss, it’s best that you’re tickled pink.

Then again, Dr. Seuss’s birds look pretty strange. But you have to admire this girl’s feathers.

96. Now here we have a literal Cat in the Hat.

Well, it is a black cat in the hat. But I don’t think it looks too happy to entertain your kids.

97. Nobody could resist this little yellow Sneetch.

Even has a star on its belly. But let’s hope this kid doesn’t make it a mark of superiority. So cute.

98. I’m sure you’d want to hug this little fox.

Yes, Fox in Socks is a popular costume. But you have to love this one, too.

99. Have to love the red bows on this Cindylou Who.

Yes, Cindylou Who has a strong following, especially during the Christmas season Yet, this costume is adorable.

100. This little Fish in the Bowl has his own container.

Okay, that’s pretty clever. Still, you have to feel very bad for him in Cat in the Hat.

Have a Spectacularly Magical Wizarding Harry Potter Christmas

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Moving on for my Merry Geekmas themed posts is on to Harry Potter. Unlike franchises like Star Trek and Star Wars, this universe certainly celebrates Christmas as you’ve probably seen in each of the books. This despite the fact that there’s not a lot of talk about Christianity other than the presence of churches in wizard villages as well the Fat Friar ghost. So it’s possible that at least wizards in the HP universe probably do have some degree of religious beliefs. They just don’t talk about them. At any rate, whenever it’s Christmas at Hogwarts, there are usually a brightly decorated trees and decor in the Great Hall even though it may be somewhat empty when students spend the holidays with their families. In Goblet of Fire, the Great Hall Christmas decor was even more spectacular with the Triwizard Tournament going on. As you can see, it was transformed into a winter wonderland for the Yule Ball, which Harry and Ron didn’t enjoy by the way. This especially goes for Ron since he wore a famously ugly dress robe and got pissed off that the girl he liked was going out with a celebrated Quidditch player he had previously gushed over. And he didn’t even realize it while Harry and the readers certainly did. Still, while Harry’s Christmas was more or less a happy occasion in the books before Goblet of Fire, especially the first when he received the Invisibility Cloak and his own Weasley sweater, it becomes darker as the books go on. One noteworthy example would be in The Order of the Phoenix when Nagini attacked Arthur Weasley in the Ministry. Of course, Christmas is certainly not a happy occasion for Neville Longbottom who certainly doesn’t look forward to it. Why? Because Christmas for him usually consists of visiting his parents who were tortured by Deatheaters to the point of insanity that they don’t recognize him. At any rate, there are plenty of Harry Potter fans that celebrate the holiday season in their own magically way possible. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of ways you can have a Harry Potter Christmas.

  1. Now you can celebrate the holidays with your own Harry Potter Weasley sweater.
Each Weasley sweater has a color with the wearer's first initial. Harry's is blue. Ron's is maroon.

Each Weasley sweater has a color with the wearer’s first initial. Harry’s is blue. Ron’s is maroon.

2. If you like fantastic beasts, then you’ll adore this baby dragon ornament.

This one is of Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback which Hagrid got in the first book. They had to have the little guy sent away. Later had name changed to Norberta.

This one is of Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback which Hagrid got in the first book. They had to have the little guy sent away. Later had name changed to Norberta.

3. A Patronus ornament will ward off Dementors from your tree.

This one is of a stag which is Harry's patronus charm. It was also his father's as well.

This one is of a stag which is Harry’s patronus charm. It was also his father’s as well.

4. Hope you can catch the Harry Potter magic this Christmas with this stocking.

This one has Hogwarts, Harry's lightning bolt scar, and glasses. Is also in red and yellow Gryffindor colors.

This one has Hogwarts, Harry’s lightning bolt scar, and glasses. Is also in red and yellow Gryffindor colors.

5. Be sure to hang up the mistletoe but beware of nargles.

Nargles are creatures Luna Lovegood or her dad might've made up. They're said to live in mistletoe and be quite the little thieves.

Nargles are creatures Luna Lovegood or her dad might’ve made up. They’re said to live in mistletoe and be quite the little thieves.

6. Fans of the Sorcerer’s Stone might like to have this flying key ornament on their tree.

The flying keys were in the dungeon where the sorcerer's stone was being held. Yet, Harry spotted the one with the broken wing.

The flying keys were in the dungeon where the sorcerer’s stone was being held. Yet, Harry spotted the one with the broken wing that fit through the door.

7. Those who like the Chamber of Secrets might want to have a mandrake ornament on their tree.

They're the plants that look like ugly babies with screams that could kill someone. Yet, they were instrumental in reviving people from being petrified.

They’re the plants that look like ugly babies with screams that could kill someone. Yet, they were instrumental in reviving people from being petrified.

8. Looks like this owl has a Hogwarts letter.

Well, it's an owl ornament with a letter in its beak. Understand that wizards correspond through owl post in these books.

Well, it’s an owl ornament with a letter in its beak. Understand that wizards correspond through owl post in these books.

9. Merry Christmas from the Burrow.

As we all know, the Burrow is the Weasley house. However, I doubt that the Weasleys would use electric Christmas light decorations. Then again, Mr. Weasley likes Muggle stuff so it's kind of believable.

As we all know, the Burrow is the Weasley house. However, I doubt that the Weasleys would use electric Christmas light decorations. Then again, Mr. Weasley likes Muggle stuff so it’s kind of believable.

10. Send a seasons greetings with this Harry Potter Christmas card.

This one has Harry as a tree with his glasses, wand, and Gryffindor scarf. And Hedwig is by his side.

This one has Harry as a tree with his glasses, wand, and Gryffindor scarf. And Hedwig is by his side.

11. Dobby is on top of the Christmas tree.

Dobby is wearing a Santa hat. Dobby is ready for Christmas.

Dobby is wearing a Santa hat. Dobby is ready for Christmas.

12. Now this is a real Hogwarts stocking.

It has the Hogwarts logo and everything. Hope Santa gets a load of this.

It has the Hogwarts logo and everything. Hope Santa gets a load of this.

13. Nothing makes a great Hogwarts Christmas tree than with the Sorting Hat on top.

However, should a sword fall out when you're placing the Sorting Hat on top of the Christmas tree, then consider yourself a true Gryffindor. Also, beware of angry goblins from Gringotts.

However, should a sword fall out when you’re placing the Sorting Hat on top of the Christmas tree, then consider yourself a true Gryffindor. Also, beware of angry goblins from Gringotts.

14. Show your magical side this Christmas with this Harry Potter ugly sweater.

As you can see, it contains almost all the stuff you'd associate with Harry Potter. Contains headwig, his glasses, his scar, his patronus, and the mark of the Deathly Hallows.

As you can see, it contains almost all the stuff you’d associate with Harry Potter. Contains headwig, his glasses, his scar, his patronus, and the mark of the Deathly Hallows.

15. A Harry Potter ugly sweater like this reflects the true Christmas spirit.

This one features wands, Harry's glasses, his scar, and the Golden Snitch. All in a background of snowflakes and Christmas trees.

This one features wands, Harry’s glasses, his scar, and the Golden Snitch. All in a background of snowflakes and Christmas trees.

16. Treasure moments of Harry and Dumbledore by the Pensieve with this Hallmark Keepsake ornament on your Christmas tree.

Because nothing says Christmas like looking into people's unpleasant memories in order to stop Lord Voldemort. This is especially so in the Half-Blood Prince.

Because nothing says Christmas like looking into people’s unpleasant memories in order to stop Lord Voldemort. This is especially so in the Half-Blood Prince.

17. How about a list that writes itself on your Christmas tree?

Well, Rita Skeeter has her Quick Quotes Quill that writes whatever she wants it to say. Still, I think this is quite clever if you ask me.

Well, Rita Skeeter has her Quick Quotes Quill that writes whatever she wants it to say. Still, I think this is quite clever if you ask me.

18. This Harry Potter tree skirt is a real patchwork.

This seems to be all Harry Potter out. Includes things like Platform 9 3/4, a wand, and Hedwig.

This seems to be all Harry Potter out. Includes things like Platform 9 3/4, a wand, and Hedwig.

19. For this Harry Potter Christmas, you can’t avoid not wearing this ugly sweater.

Yes, this is another ugly Harry Potter holiday sweater. Yet, this is the most Christmasy one so far.

Yes, this is another ugly Harry Potter holiday sweater. Yet, this is the most Christmasy one so far.

20. Looks like a doe patronus guides to Godric’s sword in a frozen lake.

We all know that's Snape doing it since the doe reflects his love for Lily. Ron uses the sword to destroy Slytherin's locket.

We all know that’s Snape doing it since the doe reflects his love for Lily. Ron uses the sword to destroy Slytherin’s locket.

21. For a homey Christmas touch, you might want to go with a gingerbread Burrow.

I had a Burrow gingerbread house in the Harry Potter treat post in March. But this is more in keeping with the holiday spirit.

I had a Burrow gingerbread house in the Harry Potter treat post in March. But this is more in keeping with the holiday spirit.

22. How about a gingerbread Hogwarts Express?

This one doesn't use much icing at all. Yet, it's surely in the Harry Potter spirit especially with the 9 3/4.

This one doesn’t use much icing at all. Yet, it’s surely in the Harry Potter spirit especially with the 9 3/4.

23. Add a dash of Dark Arts this Christmas with these Unforgivable Curse ornaments.

Because nothing says Christmas like 3 of the most powerful and sinister spells. You know spells that are classified as Unforgivable that they lead to a one way ticket to Azkaban. Except in the later Harry Potter books.

Because nothing says Christmas like 3 of the most powerful and sinister spells. You know spells that are classified as Unforgivable that they lead to a one way ticket to Azkaban on a life sentence. Except in the later Harry Potter books.

24. Make your Christmas tree more forbidden with vials of unicorn blood.

You know the substance that Voldemort sustained on when he was living in the back of Quirrell's head. Is forbidden by the Ministry of Magic and will result in the drinker living a half-life, a cursed life.

You know the substance that Voldemort sustained on when he was living in the back of Quirrell’s head. Is forbidden by the Ministry of Magic and will result in the drinker living a half-life, a cursed life.

25. It’s always nice have Christmas with a cozy gingerbread of Hagrid’s hut.

Just remember it's not very nice on the inside since housekeeping isn't Hagrid's strong suit. Still, Harry and his friends don't seem to mind.

Just remember it’s not very nice on the inside since housekeeping isn’t Hagrid’s strong suit. Still, Harry and his friends don’t seem to mind.

26. Grace your door with this magical Harry Potter Christmas wreath.

This one includes Hedwig, Harry, and a wand. And all are added in what would've been an otherwise normal Christmas wreath.

This one includes Hedwig, Harry, and a wand. And all are added in what would’ve been an otherwise normal Christmas wreath.

27. Solemnly swear you’re up to no good with this Marauder’s Map Christmas tree skirt.

Those are the words you say in order to open the Marauder's Map of Hogwarts which can monitor everyone. Makes me wonder why Fred and George didn't tell Ron about Scabbers being Peter Pettigrew. I mean they had to have known.

Those are the words you say in order to open the Marauder’s Map of Hogwarts which can monitor everyone. Makes me wonder why Fred and George didn’t tell Ron about Scabbers being Peter Pettigrew. I mean they had to have known.

28. This howler ornament is well worth the shout out.

After all, nothing says Christmas like a letter from your mom yelling at you after you and your best friend use the family car to get to Hogwarts which crashed into the Whomping Willow. And having that car go rogue ever since. Still, when Mrs. Weasley gets pissed, watch out.

After all, nothing says Christmas like a letter from your mom yelling at you after you and your best friend use the family car to get to Hogwarts which crashed into the Whomping Willow. And having that car go rogue ever since. Still, when Mrs. Weasley gets pissed, watch out.

29. For a touch of pink on your tree, this Umbridge ornament has you covered.

I'm not sure how to feel about this. On one hand, she seems to have a scale on her shoulder and is riding a tricycle, which might mean she's under torture. On the other hand, it might symbolize her authority which would make me cringe.

I’m not sure how to feel about this. On one hand, she seems to have a scale on her shoulder and is riding a tricycle, which might mean she’s under torture. On the other hand, it might symbolize her authority which would make me cringe.

30. This gingerbread Burrow is all full of Christmas cheer.

Now that seems more like how the Weasleys would decorate their house for the holidays. Like the wreaths on it.

Now that seems more like how the Weasleys would decorate their house for the holidays. Like the wreaths on it.

31. An owl on top of a Harry Potter Christmas tree can be especially magical.

This one even has a train track for the Hogwarts Express in the middle as well as a cauldron base. Love the candles surrounding the tree.

This one even has a train track for the Hogwarts Express in the middle as well as a cauldron base. Love the candles surrounding the tree.

32. Guess Hedwig has a little Christmas present.

Well, that's nice of Hedwig. Wonder who it's from. I'm guessing Hagrid or the Weasleys.

Well, that’s nice of Hedwig. Wonder who it’s from. I’m guessing Hagrid or the Weasleys.

33. How about a Christmas tree with golden snitches around it?

This one even has cups and spells all over it. Yet, doesn't use as much light as the other tree did.

This one even has cups and spells all over it. Yet, doesn’t use as much light as the other tree did.

34. Relive Harry’s first time in Dumbledore’s office with this Hallmark keepsake ornament.

For nothing says Christmas like being sent to the principal's office for freaking out a student with a talent you didn't know you had. Luckily Dumbledore already has an idea of who opened the Chamber of Secrets anyway.

For nothing says Christmas like being sent to the principal’s office for freaking out a student with a talent you didn’t know you had. Luckily Dumbledore already has an idea of who opened the Chamber of Secrets anyway.

35. This gingerbread Hogwarts is a real Christmas delight.

This one had to be from the Chamber of Secrets since Mr. Weasley's car is in the Whomping Willow. Don't worry, it'll find its way out.

This one had to be from the Chamber of Secrets since Mr. Weasley’s car is in the Whomping Willow. Don’t worry, it’ll find its way out.

36. This Marauder’s Map tree skirt will show exactly where you need to go.

Yes, this is another Marauder's Map tree skirt. But this one shows the actual map of Hogwarts.

Yes, this is another Marauder’s Map tree skirt. But this one shows the actual map of Hogwarts.

37. Now this seems like the ultimate Harry Potter Christmas tree.

This one has Hedwig on top, a Gryffindor scarf garland, the Hogwarts logo, and Harry's Firebolt. Still, is that Scabbers the rat?

This one has Hedwig on top, a Gryffindor scarf garland, the Hogwarts logo, and Harry’s Firebolt. Still, is that Scabbers the rat?

38. Any true Harry Potter fan should know where Harry catches the train.

Yes, Platform 9 3/4 it is. Since it's between Platforms 9 and 10 at the King's Cross station.

Yes, Platform 9 3/4 it is. Since it’s between Platforms 9 and 10 at the King’s Cross station.

39. Count down to Christmas with your own Harry Potter Advent calendar.

Each day has a surprise inside as well as features an aspect from the series. Like how it has the Great Hall Christmas scene from the first movie.

Each day has a surprise inside as well as features an aspect from the series. Like how it has the Great Hall Christmas scene from the first movie.

40. Snape fans would certainly want a Christmas ornament like this.

After all, his doe patronus and "Always" illustrate his undying love for Lily. Though it didn't encourage Snape to treat Harry better during Potions class.

After all, his doe patronus and “Always” illustrate his undying love for Lily. Though it didn’t encourage Snape to treat Harry better during Potions class.

41. Seems like we have ourselves a little Harry Potter snowman.

This bauble ornament even has a snow Headwig, too. All in all, this is adorable.

This bauble ornament even has a snow Headwig, too. All in all, this is adorable.

42. For a Harry Potter Christmas, nothing’s more golden than the Golden Snitch.

You know what Harry's charged to catch as a Seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Still, this one seems easy to make.

You know what Harry’s charged to catch as a Seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Still, this one seems easy to make.

43. There’s nothing more magical this Christmas like this gingerbread Hogwarts castle.

This one even includes a little Hagrid's hut, too. Not as intricate as some of the ones I've seen, but nonetheless charming.

This one even includes a little Hagrid’s hut, too. Not as intricate as some of the ones I’ve seen, but nonetheless charming.

44. Wake up Christmas morning in your very own ugly Harry Potter pajamas.

Yes, these are ugly Harry Potter PJs for Christmas. Sure they look festive yet, their existence defies all explanation.

Yes, these are ugly Harry Potter PJs for Christmas. Sure they look festive yet, their existence defies all explanation.

45. This gingerbread Hogwarts is an enchanting treat of its own.

Not sure what to think of this one. Then again, maybe I'm more used to looking at Hogwarts from a different angle than this.

Not sure what to think of this one. Then again, maybe I’m more used to looking at Hogwarts from a different angle than this.

46. For Hogwarts pride, feel free to show these ornaments on your tree.

It's a set that includes the Hogwarts logo along with the 4 Houses. I'm sure none of these come cheap.

It’s a set that includes the Hogwarts logo along with the 4 Houses. I’m sure none of these come cheap.

47. How about topping your Christmas tree with a golden snitch.

Well, that's a bright golden snitch, all right. Yet, the fact it's made from gold wires and lights certainly helps.

Well, that’s a bright golden snitch, all right. Yet, the fact it’s made from gold wires and lights certainly helps.

48. For a more magical Christmas, you might want to go with this Christmas wreath.

This one has owls, stars, quill, and a scroll with writing. Certainly a Harry Potter Christmas wreath if there was one.

This one has owls, stars, quill, and a scroll with writing. Certainly a Harry Potter Christmas wreath if there was one.

49. Pick a stocking for Christmas that’s respective of your Hogwarts House.

Wonder if any of the students have stockings like these at Hogwarts. Wouldn't be surprised.

Wonder if any of the students have stockings like these at Hogwarts. Wouldn’t be surprised.

50. A Harry Potter Christmas tree always has to have some big lanterns near the bottom.

Yet, another Harry Potter Christmas tree. At least it can bring out some degree of light. Or maybe not.

Yet, another Harry Potter Christmas tree. At least it can bring out some degree of light. Or maybe not.

51. These Harry Potter Christmas gingerbread cookies are magically tasty.

Say hello to the Harry Potter Christmas cookie assortment. Includes Dumbledore in a Santa hat long with stockings and Hogwarts.

Say hello to the Harry Potter Christmas cookie assortment. Includes Dumbledore in a Santa hat long with stockings and Hogwarts.

52. Show your support for the Dark Lord with this Dark Mark ornament.

For nothing says Christmas like pledging your support for Lord Voldemort and killing people to promote pureblood supremacy. This is just crazy.

For nothing says Christmas like pledging your support for Lord Voldemort and killing people to promote pureblood supremacy. This is just crazy.

53. Never forget anything again with this remembrall ornament.

It's a clear ball that turns red if you forget something. But as Neville said, he sometimes doesn't remember what he's forgotten.

It’s a clear ball that turns red if you forget something. But as Neville said, he sometimes doesn’t remember what he’s forgotten.

54. This gingerbread Hogwarts is pure winter wonderland.

This one has the roof covered in snow. Even has Harry and his friends, too.

This one has the roof covered in snow. Even has Harry and his friends, too.

55. Nothing sets your Christmas tree brewing like these potion ornaments.

Of course, nothing says Christmas like a date rape drug, a truth serum, a potion that makes you change into someone else for an hour, or one that brings good luck. Seriously, if you don't understand me, read the books.

Of course, nothing says Christmas like a date rape drug, a truth serum, a potion that makes you change into someone else for an hour, or one that brings good luck. Seriously, if you don’t understand me, read the books.

56. Select the ornament that best represents your Hogwarts House.

Yes, they have baubles for Hogwarts houses, too. This one is a more simplified image than most.

Yes, they have baubles for Hogwarts houses, too. This one is a more simplified image than most.

57. Anyone who likes Harry’s DADA teachers may enjoy these ornaments.

These seem to consist of cat plates, board questions, Moody's magic eye, chocolate bars, Lockhart's books, a boggart box, and Scabbers. You can guess which things belong to which one.

These seem to consist of cat plates, board questions, Moody’s magic eye, chocolate bars, Lockhart’s books, a boggart box, and Scabbers. You can guess which things belong to which one.

58. Feast your eyes on these Hogwarts snowflakes.

Each one is the color of a Hogwarts House. Hogwarts snowflake is the exception since it represents the whole school.

Each one is the color of a Hogwarts House. Hogwarts snowflake is the exception since it represents the whole school.

59. Make your Christmas tree fiery by topping it with a phoenix.

You can imagine that Dumbledore probably has a Christmas tree like this in his office. Or at least he should.

You can imagine that Dumbledore probably has a Christmas tree like this in his office. Or at least he should.

60. Drink your Christmas coffee with this Deathly Hallows yuletide mug.

It has the Deathly Hallows symbol as a Christmas tree. That has to be bloody brilliant as Ron would say.

It has the Deathly Hallows symbol as a Christmas tree. That has to be bloody brilliant as Ron would say.

61. Make your Christmas magical with this Deathly Hallows wreath at your door.

This is a lovely evergreen imprint of the Deathly Hallows which might not be too hard to make. And it's topped with a bow.

This is a lovely evergreen imprint of the Deathly Hallows which might not be too hard to make. And it’s topped with a bow.

62. For a more golden wreath, this one got you covered.

This one contains Deathly Halllows symbols, golden snitches, and scrolls. All on a wreath of pine cones.

This one contains Deathly Halllows symbols, golden snitches, and scrolls. All on a wreath of pine cones.

63. Guess this pillow shows what a lot of Harry Potter fans want for Christmas.

Yes, we all want our Hogwarts letter so we can go to that wizarding school to learn magic. But it's also a pretty dangerous place compared to most Muggle schools.

Yes, we all want our Hogwarts letter so we can go to that wizarding school to learn magic. But it’s also a pretty dangerous place compared to most Muggle schools.

64. How about grace your magical Christmas tree with some wizarding correspondence?

Consists of a Ministry of Magic flyer, Harry's letter from Hogwarts, the Marauder's Map, and a Malfada Hopkirk letter. The last one I had to look up.

Consists of a Ministry of Magic flyer, Harry’s letter from Hogwarts, the Marauder’s Map, and a Malfada Hopkirk letter. The last one I had to look up.

65. Merry Christmas courtesy of the Marauder’s Map.

Well, at least the Marauders know how to get into the holiday spirit. Though this card can use some more decoration.

Well, at least the Marauders know how to get into the holiday spirit. Though this card can use some more decoration.

66. Hope you have a Merry Christmas that’s stronger than death.

After all, this is a card that features a Deathly Hallows Christmas tree. If you've read all the books, you should know what it stands for.

After all, this is a card that features a Deathly Hallows Christmas tree. If you’ve read all the books, you should know what it stands for.

67. Don’t forget to wish your Muggle loved ones a merry Christmas.

After all, Muggles are people, too, you know. They just can't do any magic.

After all, Muggles are people, too, you know. They just can’t do any magic.

68. At Hogwarts, it’s usually Hagrid who has to play Santa.

After all, he's half-giant and the biggest guy at Hogwarts. Like how he has Fang in reindeer antlers and a Santa hat.

After all, he’s half-giant and the biggest guy at Hogwarts. Like how he has Fang in reindeer antlers and a Santa hat.

69. These engraved ornaments will help you show your Hogwarts pride.

Aside from the Hogwarts one, each represents a House. But be careful with them.

Aside from the Hogwarts one, each represents a House. But be careful with them.

70. This Harry Potter ornament display will surely bring out the magic.

However, I'm not sure if this is doable at home. But it's a great Christmas display so it goes on this post.

However, I’m not sure if this is doable at home. But it’s a great Christmas display so it goes on this post.

71. Show your Hogwarts pride with this ugly Christmas sweater.

It's maroon in order to look more official. But simply something Dumbledore would approve of.

It’s maroon in order to look more official. But simply something Dumbledore would approve of.

72. This ugly Christmas sweater really has the Harry Potter magic.

Yes, there are a lot of Harry Potter ugly Christmas sweaters out there. This one has the basic symbols covered.

Yes, there are a lot of Harry Potter ugly Christmas sweaters out there. This one has the basic symbols covered.

73. Anyone would be greatly enchanted with this gingerbread Hogwarts.

It even lights up from the inside. Still, certainly seems more realistic than some. Amazing.

It even lights up from the inside. Still, certainly seems more realistic than some. Amazing.

74. Remember, the cupboard under the stairs is only used for hiding Christmas presents.

Not as a room for an orphaned nephew you hate, as the Dursleys learned the hard way. Yeah, that's pretty awful.

Not as a room for an orphaned nephew you hate, as the Dursleys learned the hard way. Yeah, that’s pretty awful.

75. As Dumbledore said, turning on Christmas lights can go a long way.

Okay, Dumbledore didn't quite say that in the books. But you get the idea.

Okay, Dumbledore didn’t quite say that in the books. But you get the idea.

76. Remember, Dobby always appreciates getting Christmas cards.

Okay, I don't think the Malfoys would give Dobby a Christmas card. But this is adorable.

Okay, I don’t think the Malfoys would give Dobby a Christmas card. But this is adorable.

77. Hope you can wish Merry Christmas to even a filthy Muggle.

Don't worry, Muggles, that's just a term of endearment in the wizarding world. Still, I think it's funny.

Don’t worry, Muggles, that’s just a term of endearment in the wizarding world. Still, I think it’s funny.

78. Merry Christmas and turn to page 394 courtesy of Snape.

You have to hear this in Alan Rickman's voice from the movies to get it. The way he says it is just golden.

You have to hear this in Alan Rickman’s voice from the movies to get it. The way he says it is just golden.

79. This Christmas tree skirt is ideal for any Gryffindor common room.

Well, it's more Harry Potter. But since he's in Gryffindor, it's red and gold.

Well, it’s more Harry Potter. But since he’s in Gryffindor, it’s red and gold.

80. Perhaps you can hang one of these Hogwarts stockings on your fireplace.

Aside from the black Hogwarts one, each stocking represents a house. Choose the one that suits you best.

Aside from the black Hogwarts one, each stocking represents a house. Choose the one that suits you best.

81. This Hogwarts Christmas sweater is sure to delight in its vibrant colors.

This one consists of vibrant sleeves that are striped with black, blue, red, green, and yellow. They represent the Hogwarts houses.

This one consists of vibrant sleeves that are striped with black, blue, red, green, and yellow. They represent the Hogwarts houses.

82. Snape always believes in Santa.

I'm not sure if he even does because I have a hard time picturing it. But this is a good card.

I’m not sure if he even does because I have a hard time picturing it. But this is a good card.

83. Always wish a happy Christmas to S.P.E.W.

In Harry Potter, S.P.E.W. stands for Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare. Hermione started it as a way to help house elves though she didn't know what she was getting into at the time.

In Harry Potter, S.P.E.W. stands for Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare. Hermione started it as a way to help house elves though she didn’t know what she was getting into at the time.

84. When in Hogsmeade, you can’t celebrate the holiday season without butterbeer.

Yes, I don't get the thing about butterbeer in Harry Potter. But this shirt is surely in the Christmas spirit.

Yes, I don’t get the thing about butterbeer in Harry Potter. But this shirt is surely in the Christmas spirit.

85. Hope you like to see Moaning Myrtle on toilet seat this Christmas.

My guess is that she doesn't really mean, "wand" here. Still, she's a teenage ghost, what do you expect?

My guess is that she doesn’t really mean, “wand” here. Still, she’s a teenage ghost, what do you expect?

86. Guess this Christmas tree really brings out the Hogwarts spirit.

I think this one was featured in a British news website. Was said to get a lot of buzz. Like how they used the house colors.

I think this one was featured in a British news website. Was said to get a lot of buzz. Like how they used the house colors.

87. Nothing brings the Christmas spirit like hanging these Harry Potter ornaments on your tree.

This is a rare set that might've came out before the movies. As the illustrations indicate.

This is a rare set that might’ve came out before the movies. As the illustrations indicate.

88. Nobody should celebrate Christmas without a tree of Snape.

Yes, there are a lot of huge Snape fans out there. But this one really takes the cake. Yeah, not sure if Snape really shows the Christmas spirit.

Yes, there are a lot of huge Snape fans out there. But this one really takes the cake. Yeah, not sure if Snape really shows the Christmas spirit.

89. Celebrate the holiday season with this magically ugly Harry Potter Christmas sweater.

You can understand there aren't a lot of limits to how many Harry Potter ugly sweaters there are. But this one is in a rich red with the Deathly Hallows mark.

You can understand there aren’t a lot of limits to how many Harry Potter ugly sweaters there are. But this one is in a rich red with the Deathly Hallows mark.

90. If you like Mrs. Weasley, perhaps grace this sweater ornament on her tree.

Because her sweater is simply amazing. Just have to love the colors on those sleeves.

Because her sweater is simply amazing. Just have to love the colors on those sleeves.

91. Don’t worry, this stag patronus stocking will protect you over the holidays.

After all, we all know it's Harry's patronus. Should keep the Dementors from sucking out your soul.

After all, we all know it’s Harry’s patronus. Should keep the Dementors from sucking out your soul.

92. Hope this Harry Potter sweater puts you in a Christmas mood.

Yet, another ugly Christmas sweater. There just seems no stop to it.

Yet, another ugly Christmas sweater. There just seems no stop to it.

93. Dumbledore believes you can never have enough socks.

Well, Dumbledore can seem like an eccentric old guy at first. But he's not one to be messed with.

Well, Dumbledore can seem like an eccentric old guy at first. But he’s not one to be messed with.

94. Choose your crocheted house tree skirt wisely.

Does each house Christmas tree have their own unique tree skirt? Not sure if I'd want to know that.

Does each house Christmas tree have their own unique tree skirt? Not sure if I’d want to know that.

95. A Harry Potter tree like this is simply golden.

Well, this one has lightning bolts and Quidditch hoops on it. There are even some golden snitches, too.

Well, this one has lightning bolts and Quidditch hoops on it. There are even some golden snitches, too.

96. All these ornaments bear the mark of the Deathly Hallows.

And they're all in a variety of different colors. Must be for Xenophilius Lovegood's Christmas tree.

And they’re all in a variety of different colors. Must be for Xenophilius Lovegood’s Christmas tree.

97. Each of these ornaments come in one of its house colors.

And there seem to be about 2 for each color and 12 in total. Do I need to tell you which house each one belongs to?

And there seem to be about 2 for each color and 12 in total. Do I need to tell you which house each one belongs to?

98. Hang these ornaments on your tree of Harry Potter and his friends.

These baubles depict Harry, Ron, and Hermione on broomsticks. Got to love these.

These baubles depict Harry, Ron, and Hermione on broomsticks. Got to love these.

99. How about a stocking like this for a magical Christmas?

Like the ornament set, this too, might've been around before the movies came out. But it certainly fits the magical mood to say the least.

Like the ornament set, this too, might’ve been around before the movies came out. But it certainly fits the magical mood to say the least.

100. Looks like the Hogwarts Express pulled in for the holidays.

Sure it's just the train station at Hogwarts. But it's certainly a delightful design. I'll take it.

Sure it’s just the train station at Hogwarts. But it’s certainly a delightful design. I’ll take it.

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover – Well, Most of the Time (Fifth Edition)

As an aspiring writer, I know getting a book published is a very difficult endeavor since you have the pitch the idea and even if you do everything right and your book is good, there’s a chance you’d still face rejection. However, there are so many books out there that make the whole thing seem so easy because they don’t seem that good to begin with. Yes, I know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover but sometimes you can’t help yourself. Sometimes you might see a book with a crazy design. Sometimes it might have a crazy title. Or occasionally it might have a design that might send the wrong message. And then there are covers for classic books that don’t exactly correspond with what the story is really about. But whatever the case, I managed to get about 4 posts out of them because you keep finding more. So for your reading pleasure, I present you with another treasure trove of questionable book covers. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way. As you might see from the previous editions.

 

  1. Fashion Cats by Takako Iwasa
I know there are plenty of people who might like to dress up their pets. But come on, this is ridiculous.

I know there are plenty of people who might like to dress up their pets. But come on, this is ridiculous.

Because Fluffy always needs to look up to date on the latest styles.

2. How to Teach Physics to Your Dog by Chad Orzel

Just because teaching a dog physics might work on Wallace and Gromit, doesn't mean it will work for you. And even if it does, it doesn't mean your pooch will go into engineering.

Just because teaching a dog physics might work on Wallace and Gromit, doesn’t mean it will work for you. And even if it does, it doesn’t mean your pooch will go into engineering.

Since Rover needs to know the average amount of force it takes for you to throw the ball.

3. How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found by Doug Richmond

Of course, this doesn't mean you'll avoid getting on a Missing Persons report. Because a lot of people who disappear usually do. That or be declared dead.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you’ll avoid getting on a Missing Persons report. Because a lot of people who disappear usually do. That or be declared dead.

Very handy for anyone going into witness protection or are simply trying to hide from the law.

4. Social Sciences by Dave Daggett

However, it's said the process is very tedious from the description. Then again, people in the 18th century believed in a lot of crazy shit.

However, it’s said the process is very tedious from the description. Then again, people in the 18th century believed in a lot of crazy shit.

If you want to know how sunbeams can be extracted from cucumbers, this is the book for you.

5. Manifold Destiny: The One, the Only Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine by Chris Maynard and Bill Scheller

Of course, having food on you and fuel in the tank might help. Then again, why would anyone want to cook on their car. Wouldn't that mess up the engine? Seriously, it's only going to make your mechanic happy.

Of course, having food on you and fuel in the tank might help. Then again, why would anyone want to cook on their car. Wouldn’t that mess up the engine? Seriously, it’s only going to make your mechanic happy.

For those hungry travelers stranded on the open road and miles away from the nearest gas station, this is for you.

6. Strangers Have the Best Candy by Margaret Meps Schulte

Fortunately, this isn't a children's book but a travelogue about a woman's interesting conversations with strangers over the years. However, I have to admit, she really sucks at selecting titles.

Fortunately, this isn’t a children’s book but a travelogue about a woman’s interesting conversations with strangers over the years. However, I have to admit, she really sucks at selecting titles.

With the possible exception of Mr. Creepers and his windowless van.

7. War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

Uh, this book is supposed to take place in Russia during the Napoleonic wars. Also, I don't think it has a nude scene involving two women either.

Uh, this book is supposed to take place in Russia during the Napoleonic wars. Also, I don’t think it has a nude scene involving two women either.

Complete with Tolstoy’s deleted scene with naked lesbians.

8. Jesus on Mars by Philip Jose Farmer

Also, Jesus doesn't seem to have any hard feelings about being crucified on the red planet. Which begs the question, how do Martians have access to wood? Because Mars doesn't have any trees.

Also, Jesus doesn’t seem to have any hard feelings about being crucified on the red planet. Which begs the question, how do Martians have access to wood? Because Mars doesn’t have any trees.

Will Jesus save the little green men? Or will they shoot him with laser beams?

9. The Princess Bitchface Syndrome: Surviving Adolescent Girls by Michael Carr-Gregg

So this guy thinks that teenage girls act like bitches? Really? He should know that this doesn't describe teen girls 100% of the time. Really, it doesn't.

So this guy thinks that teenage girls act like bitches? Really? He should know that this doesn’t describe teen girls 100% of the time. Really, it doesn’t.

Because let’s face, adolescent girls are just a pain in the ass.

10. My Beautiful Mommy by Michael Alexander Salzhauer and illustrated by Victor Gulza

Yes, this book was written by a plastic surgeon. Still, I think they could've handled the subject better. For instance, the author could've had Mommy get a tummy tuck because she was suffering from severe lower back pain. Or she had been heavily scarred in a car accident. This book really sends a terrible message for kids.

Yes, this book was written by a plastic surgeon. Still, I think they could’ve handled the subject better. For instance, the author could’ve had Mommy get a tummy tuck because she was suffering from severe lower back pain. Or she had been heavily scarred in a car accident. This book really sends a terrible message for kids.

Or how to stay positive when your mom goes through plastic surgery because she has severe self-esteem issues about her looks.

11. Managing a Dental Practice the Genghis Khan Way by Michael Young

From Mental-Floss: "Genghis Khan was a busy guy, and he was never able to find time to open a dental practice in between building an empire. This book still suggests that dentists should be taking a page from his book."

From Mental-Floss: “Genghis Khan was a busy guy, and he was never able to find time to open a dental practice in between building an empire. This book still suggests that dentists should be taking a page from his book.”

Now you can learn how to ruthlessly manage a dental practice like a 13th century Mongolian.

12. Betty Zane by Zane Grey

It's actually a historical novel about a Revolutionary war heroine on the frontier. And it involves her running to her brother's home to fetch more ammo to a fort. Definitely not a heartwarming Christmas story.

It’s actually a historical novel about a Revolutionary war heroine on the frontier. And it involves her running to her brother’s home to fetch more ammo to a fort. Definitely not a heartwarming Christmas story.

Guess this is about what Betty Zane wants for Christmas.

13. Bimbos of the Death Sun by Sharyn McCrumb

Also, that woman should have more of a space suit on. Because showing skin in space is a really bad idea. Seriously, skin exposure is a very easy way to die in space.

Also, that woman should have more of a space suit on. Because showing skin in space is a really bad idea. Seriously, skin exposure is a very easy way to die in space.

Let me guess, kind of a sci-fi, space fantasy flick.

14. The Madam as an Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution by Barbara Sherman Heyl

I heard the chapters on sex trafficking and STDS are very informative. Seriously, prostitution is a terrible profession.

I heard the chapters on sex trafficking and STDS are very informative. Seriously, prostitution is a terrible profession.

Also known as, “The Woman’s Guide on How to Succeed in Whorehouse Management.”

15. Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them: How to Keep Your Tractors Happy and Your Family Running

Yeah, that guy really seems to love his old tractor. Maybe even more than his family. I don't know. There's something not right here.

Yeah, that guy really seems to love his old tractor. Maybe even more than his family. I don’t know. There’s something not right here.

Oh, no, not the tractor loving guys again.

16. The Mother Truckers by Marcus Miller

Because I don't see any mother truckers here. Just some bikers and a couple guys in their underwear.

Because I don’t see any mother truckers here. Just some bikers and a couple guys in their underwear.

So I guess Gay Biker Boys in Bondage was already taken.

17. Gay Traders by Aaron Thomas

Then again, "Gay Traders" probably got passed the censors easier. But to me, it's more of a shower orgy than anything.

Then again, “Gay Traders” probably got passed the censors easier. But to me, it’s more of a shower orgy than anything.

Featuring the least gay group shower scene ever despite the title.

18. A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court by Mark Twain

No, I don't think Camelot looks like a rough planetary surface with a large moon. It's supposed to look like a fairy tale medieval kingdom for God's sake.

No, I don’t think Camelot looks like a rough planetary surface with a large moon. It’s supposed to look like a fairy tale medieval kingdom for God’s sake.

Wait a minute, I don’t think that Camelot is supposed to be in outer space.

19. Do-It-Yourself Lobotomy: Open Your Mind to Creative Thinking by Tom Montahan

I know this book is supposed to be about enhancing creative thinking. But this title is just so fucked up. The freaky photo doesn't help either.

I know this book is supposed to be about enhancing creative thinking. But this title is just so fucked up. The freaky photo doesn’t help either. Sorry, but I don’t think a self-help book cover is supposed to give me nightmares.

Because nothing brings out creative thinking than performing some self-inflicted horrific brain surgery.

20. Carma Sutra: The Auto-Erotic Handbook by Alan Games and Esther Seisdon

Yes, this book exists. And I really don't want to know what's in it. Really, I don't think there's a lot of sex stuff you can do in the back of a sedan.

Yes, this book exists. And I really don’t want to know what’s in it. Really, I don’t think there’s a lot of sex stuff you can do in the back of a sedan.

Now you can explore your sex life without having to ask, “Your place or mine?”

21. The Emerald City of Oz by L. Frank Baum

No, I don't think the Emerald City is supposed to look like that. Doesn't seem very green to me.

No, I don’t think the Emerald City is supposed to look like that. Doesn’t seem very green to me.

Man, Emerald City doesn’t look so green these days.

22. Yoga for Equestrians: A New Path for Achieving Union with the Horse by Linda Benedik and Veronica Wirth

Seems like they'd promote yoga to just about anyone these days. What next, Yoga for Horses?

Seems like they’d promote yoga to just about anyone these days. What next, Yoga for Horses?

For those who wish to do yoga while on horseback, this is the book for you.

23. The Relaxed Rabbit: Massage for Your Pet Bunny by Chandra Moira Beal, RMT and Maia

Because massages should relieve stress for almost anybody. Even pet rabbits. Seriously, this is ridiculous. Really.

Because massages should relieve stress for almost anybody. Even pet rabbits. Seriously, this is ridiculous. Really.

Now you can learn how to give massages to Flopsy.

24. Learning to Play with a Lion’s Testicles: Unexpected Gifts from the Animals from Africa by Melissa Haynes

Sure it's about African animals. But why the hell does its title scream the worst fucking idea ever? Seriously, it's a very stupid way to die.

Sure it’s about African animals. But why the hell does its title scream the worst fucking idea ever? Seriously, it’s a very stupid way to die.

Actually learning to play with a lion’s testicles is incredibly easy: don’t.

25. My Darling, My Hamburger by Paul Zindel

Sure she may not be his cheeseburger in paradise, but she'll do. Seriously, I expect that title to be on something to do with food. Not romance.

Sure she may not be his cheeseburger in paradise, but she’ll do. Seriously, I expect that title to be on something to do with food. Not romance.

A steamy romance novel where “do you want fries with that” has multiple connotations.

26. If God Loves Me, Then Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open? by Lorraine Petersen

Yeah, these devotional books for teens can have very stupid titles. Yet, I would've thought a kid struggling to get their locker open would be more appropriate.

Yeah, these devotional books for teens can have very stupid titles. Yet, I would’ve thought a kid struggling to get their locker open would be more appropriate.

God: Maybe you just got the wrong combination numbers. That’s why.

27. Crafting with Cat Hair: Cute Handicrafts to Make with Your Cat

I don't think Whiskers is amused by the finger puppet you made from his fur. In fact, he's kind of freaked out by it.

I don’t think Whiskers is amused by the finger puppet you made from his fur. In fact, he’s kind of freaked out by it.

As if Knitting with Dog Hair wasn’t the most insane craft book already.

28. Natural Bust Enhancement with Total Mind Power by Donald Wilson, M.D.

From Mental Floss: "Instead of blowing thousands dollars on surgery, Dr. Donald L. Wilson suggests that increased breast size can be achieved through the power of mindful thinking. The contents read more like soft-core erotic poetry than a self-help guide. One noteworthy line reads, 'You look up at the sky, and you see a white cloud formation in the shape of your breasts which reminds you of how perfect your breasts can be.'"

From Mental Floss: “Instead of blowing thousands dollars on surgery, Dr. Donald L. Wilson suggests that increased breast size can be achieved through the power of mindful thinking. The contents read more like soft-core erotic poetry than a self-help guide. One noteworthy line reads, ‘You look up at the sky, and you see a white cloud formation in the shape of your breasts which reminds you of how perfect your breasts can be.'”

Because why go through surgery when you can get bigger boobs by just using your mind?

29. Be Your Own Dick: Private Investigation Made Easy by John Q. Newman

Still, given how "dick" has so many unfortunate meanings these days, this cover is unintentionally hilarious. Yeah, get your mind out of the gutter.

Still, given how “dick” has so many unfortunate meanings these days, this cover is unintentionally hilarious. Yeah, get your mind out of the gutter.

After all, if you think your husband’s cheating on you, why waste money hiring a guy to follow him when you can do it yourself?

30. Extreme Ironing by Phil Shaw

Now it's one thing to be doing extreme stuff like bungee jumping or climbing. But ironing? That's just ridiculous.

Now it’s one thing to be doing extreme stuff like bungee jumping or climbing. But ironing? That’s just ridiculous.

Featuring pictures of people going to extreme lengths to iron their clothes.

31. Pet Goats and Pap Smears: 101 Medical Adventures to Open Your Mind and Heart by Pamela Wible, M.D.