Never Judge a Book By Its Cover – Well, Most of the Time (Seventh Edition)

Whenever you go in a library, you’re bound to find all kinds of interesting books out there. You might see novels that might tell you a compelling story. You might want to know something more about a subject like animals, science, or history. Some might be manuals offering advice on certain aspects of life like dating or parenting guide. While some may be books geared for our own entertainment. Nonetheless, what all books have in common is that their cover usually serves as a marker on the shelves. And over the years I’ve done posts like these, I’ve found plenty with covers that can be downright strange. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another installment of insane book covers. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

  1. Two Guys Noticed Me and Other Miracles by Marjorie Sharmat
2 guys1

And she seems to prefer one over the other. With the guy she’s more partial to sporting a mullet.

Since when is it a miracle that 2 guys notice you?

2. Snakes on a Sudoku: Official Snakes on a Plane Puzzle Book by Francis Heaney and Conceptis Puzzles

4f169c531534a16215144816cc106b06242966e6

Other similar titles are Crocodiles on a Crossword, Wendingos on a Word Search, and Cockroaches on a Cryptogram. Also, that Samuel L. Jackson quote doesn’t really do this book justice.

In the words of Samuel L. Jackson, “I’ve had it with these mother fucking snakes no this mother fucking sudoku.”

3. Surf Safari Nurse by Jane Converse

011_surf_safari_nurse

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Nurses go on an awful lot of thrilling, sexy adventures in Romance Novel World. I’m pretty sure it’s a trick played by the nursing industry to recruit the unsuspecting. You never see ‘Bedpan Duty Nurse’ or ‘Love Among the Gangrene Cleanup Crew.'”

Apparently, nurses prefer surfers for some reason.

4. Thong on Fire: An Urban Erotic Tale by Noire

51spLkyaULL

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “This sounds more like a Chiller Channel Original Movie than an erotic novel. He lurks in the shadows outside the University For Totally Hot Chicks Who Study, Like, Science and Stuff. Just when they think it’s safe to sit down, the THONGBURNER strikes!”

A scorching story not for those with flammable underwear.

5. Chap Foey Rider: Capitalist to the Stars by Hayford Pierce

510M69K2NEL._SS500_

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “This looks thrilling. I can’t wait to get to the part where he files for a small business loan…in space! (Original title: Cousin Blobby and Ming The Merciless Go To The Goddamn Bank.)”

No, this isn’t about the life of Elon Musk.

6. After the Downfall by Henry Turtledove

9601

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Admit it, Turtledove. You wrote this just so you could commission a painting of a Nazi riding a unicorn.”

Even Nazis love to ride their unicorns.

7. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Self-Esteem

0009678d_medium.jpeg

However, we have too many idiots with very high self-esteem like Donald Trump. Seriously, the guy is a complete narcissistic sociopath who thinks he can get away with shit.

For the idiot who needs to believe in themselves.

8. Pigeon Wigs and Extensions by Chlorine Windle

15976983_10154706494330791_7811132192189197831_n

Pigeon wigs? For God’s sake, these birds look totally ridiculous in those hairstyles. Why do books like this even exist?

Now those pigeons at the park can look fabulous.

9. When You Touch Yourself an Angel Dies: How Your Child’s Filthy Habit Is Destroying America and What You Can Do About It by Douglas and Rosalie Gale

27751642_1760160010701707_2742591652226512480_n

For God’s sake, you’re going to shame kids over masturbation? How is that destroying America? I don’t understand it since I can think of a hundred worse things like Donald Trump and white supremacists.

Talk to your kids about the evils of masturbation.

10. The Caves of Death by Victor Norwood

421515938_810d6014c5

From the Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Maybe they’d be a little less deadly if you wore pants, Thongbad the Mighty.” Yeah, because he’s basically dressed like a guy in a 1970s porn movie.

About a mighty man who’d slay a fire-breathing dragon in a pair of skimpy leopard print underwear.

11. Everything Happens to Stuey by Lillian Moore

1340262116_a3fac06292

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Wow, this book looks incredibly exciting! I can’t wait to…ZzzzzZZZzzz”

And yet, he’s shown fixing an alarm clock.

12. Eat and Stay Slim by Better Homes and Gardens

2978885405_3798503946

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “I assume the plan consists of soaking all your food in the bizarre swirly mustard/poison concoction in the gravy boat. “That’s disgusting. I’m not eating that shit!” There! You cut a lot of calories!” Actually a great way to stay slim is to cook and eat at home.

Now you can cook your way to weight loss.

13. The Adolescence of P-1 by Thomas J. Ryan

adolescence of p1

Also, I wonder if the rocket has any kind of subtle symbolism. Like as sexual awakening.

I’m it was absolutely hellish if your name is P-1.

14. The Agoraphobia Workbook: A Comprehensive Program to End Your Fear of Symptom Attacks by C. Alec Pollard Ph.D. & Elke Zuercher-White Ph. D.

Agoraphobia-1

Then again, agoraphobes are usually out of their comfort zone when they’re out of the house. Still, you have to wonder what’s inside this book.

If you’re afraid of the outside world but have to interact with it, this book is for you.

15. How to Survive an Atomic Bomb by Richard Gerstell

atomic1

Actually my advice to surviving an atomic bomb is basically to hold your loved ones close and kiss your ass goodbye. Because your odds of survival are highly unlikely.

A survival guide to getting through World War III.

16. How to Avoid Matrimony by Herald Froy

avoid-matrimony1

Depicts a cave woman with a wooden club chasing a guy. Seriously, I’m sure there’s plenty of sexist bullshit inside it. And you thought hookup culture was just a millennial phenomenon.

Recommended for the rogue men who want to play the field.

17. Awaken the Genius in Your Child Through Positive Attitude Training by Nicola M. Tauraso, M.D. and L. Richard Batzler, M.D.

awaken-the-genius1

Yet, you have to wonder why they chose a cover depicting a girl being struck by lightning without being electrocuted. Obviously, she must be a mutant. Time to call Professor X.

Think your kid is a genius? Use positive reinforcement with this book.

18. Billi Gordon’s You’ve Had Worse Things in Your Mouth Cookbook by Billi Gordon

b9ac793509a00ddc8c113110.L

Aunt Jemima caricature aside, a cookbook with a title like that doesn’t really inspire confidence in this woman’s cooking talents. Seriously, I’m sure the recipes inside won’t look remotely appetizing.

Well, at least she’s honest.

19. The Beast with the Red Hands by Sidney Stuart

beast

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “The shadowy figure skulked out of the darkness, and an unearthly chill went through the room. Lady Ebonyheart Ravensblood turned around in shock, dropping her cursed amulet on the floor. Her face twisted into a grimace of disgust. ‘Steve, take those stupid red mittens off. I don’t care how cold it is. You’re seriously ruining the atmosphere here.'”

Like Twilight but with more death and blatant relationship abuse.

20. Beauty Contest Nurse by Dianna Douglas

beautycontestnurse

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Sure, she’s killed several patients due to gross incompetence. But she’s so pretty!”

“But, doctor, I can’t assist you in the operating room today. I don’t want to damage my manicure.”

21. What Makes a Teenager Say….Sometimes I Feel Like a Blob by Ethel Barrett

blob1

Note: when you want to draw a blob, don’t use brown. Because when you draw a brown blob, it resembles a turd.

Because some days you just feel like shit.

22. Brainwashing Is a Cinch by James Maratta

brainwashing1

Okay, this seems pretty disturbing. Besides, I can see how easy it is to brainwash people during the 2016 campaign. Seriously, the fact Donald Trump manage to win the presidency with 63 million votes scares me to this day.

The #1 recommended self-help book for any aspiring cult leader and fascist demagogue.

23. Vampire Voles: A Welkin Weasels Adventure by Gary Kilworth

c91b668f11f5204e3f700ff9be996f1f00dfeac6

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Terror in the pasture! SEE animals with tiny little bites on them! THRILL to the amazing hero weasel armed with his wee wooden stakes! BEWARE…no small-to-medium size vermin is safe from…VAMPIRE VOLES!”

They may look cute but these critters want to suck your blood.

24. Cat Massage by Maryjean Ballner

cat-massage1-233x300

Indeed, this is another crazy cat book. Not sure how you can give a kitten a pat down.

Want to learn how to massage your cat? This book is for you.

25. Castles in the Air by Christina Dodd

cb63a13c7ce0f28a674cc25cd422efaac6df5cf2

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “I think I may have found the greatest romance novel of all time. Why? Count the princess’s hands.”

Here’s a medieval romance between a knight and his 3-armed lady.

26. The Real McCoys and Danger on the Ranch

cd92_1

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “They look awfully cheerful for people in danger. Maybe they don’t realize they’re driving off a cliff.”

Apparently, they don’t seem aware of it on the cover.

27. Cry Havoc by James D. Forman

cryhavoc

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: ” This rare treasure of a novel tells the rip-roaring story of the McKenzie brothers and their loyal dog Hosehead fighting the Nazis, who apparently took that ‘Great White North’ thing a bit too literally.”

Apparently, you might want to avoid the giant hell hound.

28. Woman Doctor by Sloane Britain

doctor

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “I can believe ghosts physically manifesting from psychological unrest. Interdimensional space travel, sure. But a woman doctor!? Ridiculous!”

Finally, a book that’s about a woman doctor. Hooray for feminism!

29. Dreamhouse by Christopher Fahy

dreamhouse

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Pfft. That’s not scary. Every house in Maine has a doll like this in it. You get used to it pretty quick.”

“Come and play with me.”

30. E-Mail Addresses of the Rich & Famous by Seth Godin

mfs_jpeg

Wonder if this guy’s ever heard of doxing. Because he’s practically doing it. Would like to know how many people sued this guy.

Now you can send an e-mail to your favorite celebrities.

31. Entertaining to Please Him by Taylor Bradford

entertaining1

Because men prefer a woman who’d be a perfect doll and hostess at the party. Seriously, look into her eyes and you’ll find nothing there.

The #1 bestseller in Stepford.

32. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

fd80784799242afba08a5631e7d7f99f--f-scott-fitzgerald-classic-books

Jay Gatsby isn’t a hardboiled playboy. Also, he picked the wrong Daisy. Seriously, I read the book.

“When it comes to loving…He knew which Daisy to pick!”

33. The Official Gay Man-ual: Living the Lifestyle (or at Least Appearing to) by Kevin Dilallo and Jack Krumholtz

gaymanual

To be honest, there’s really no right way to be a gay guy. So you man’s men around here, you do you.

Are you a gay man who’s come out of the closet? This is the book for you.

34. Global Warming: a Pop-Up Book of Our Endangered Planet by Sandy Ransford and Illustrated by Mike Peterkin

Global-Warming-Pop-Up-Book-1

Look, I know that global warming needs urgently addressed. But doing it with a pop-up book isn’t really the way to go.

It’s basically Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth for kids.

35. Have a Happy Measle, a Merry Mumps, and a Cheery Chicken Pox written and illustrated by Jeanne Benedick with Candy Benedick and Rob Jr.

happy-measle1-768x555

Look, I know this book was probably written decades ago. But now that we have vaccines for all of these, we shouldn’t let them make a comeback. Yet, anti-vaxxers think vaccines cause autism despite evidence to the contrary.

Because being sick with incredibly contagious diseases is fun.

36. The Truth About the Homosexuals by Dr. Hugh F. Pyle

homosexuals

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “The horrifying truth: they could have designed us a much nicer looking book cover, but our pride in being crazy assholes to everyone is more important than such worldly concerns. I really have to wonder what the F stands for. Nah, I think I know…”

For an anti-gay book, the pink glitter doesn’t help matters.

37. Why Not the Best? Why One Man Is Optimistic about America’s Third Century by Jimmy Carter

Jimmy Carter 1

Of course, you’ll find a lot of naïve platitudes in here. But understand that Carter was much younger and innocent then.

Wonder what today’s Jimmy Carter would think about this today.

38. How Not to Kill Your Husband by Kevin C. Hutchin, M.D.

kill-your-husband1

Listen, if your marriage is so bad that you’re thinking about getting this book, you might need marriage counseling. If you’re Amazing Amy from Gone Girl, well…

Husband giving you trouble? This is the book for you.

39. Knight Moves by Walter Jon Williams

knight_moves

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “If there isn’t at least one “horse’s ass” joke in this, I’m going to be very disappointed.”

Catered to anyone who likes a woman’s chest and a horse’s ass.

40. Knitting with Balls: A Hands-On Guide to Knitting for Men by Michael Del Vecchio

knitting-with-balls

Funny how he’s got needles in one hand and a couple of yarn balls in the other. Still, wonder what projects they have in it. Camo tea cozies?

Finally, a book about knitting for men.

41. The Legacy: A Birthright of Living Death by John Coyne

legacy

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “This is Mr. Wibbles. He is a 5-time grand champion Persian cat, and his hobbies include loafing on the sunny spot on the floor and chasing the ball with the bell in it. Do not piss him off.”

This time, Fluffy means business.

42. Liberace Cooks! as told to Carol Truax

liber

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “*crunch* Ow! Who put these goddamn rhinestones in the spaghetti!?” Also, kind of unusual to see Liberace dressed in plaid shirt like a normal person.

Know how to make a rhinestone salad.

43. Looking Forward to Being Attacked by Lt. Jim Bullard

looking-forward1

This cover basically tells women to be afraid, be very afraid. I guess there’s something about carrying guns. At any rate, that’s no way to live.

Because someone could try to kill you at any moment and anywhere.

44. Church Members Who Make God Sick by John R. Rice D.D., Litt. D.

make-god-sick1

Wonder what kind of church members make God sick. Is it the self-righteous hypocrites who see nothing wrong with shaming and screwing the poor? Let’s hope so.

Man, someone must have an axe to grind for the Lord.

45. More than Magic by Kathleen Nance

more than magic

From the Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Warlock Lord Abraxxas Sexington carefully prepared for his dark magic ritual, making sure all the reagents were in place. Mandrake root, check. Basilisk eyes, check. Store brand cologne and Hawaiian Tropic man-chest oil, check and mate.”

Want to make love with this hot wizard?

46. Nothing’s Impossible! Stunts to Entertain and Amaze by Jeff Sheridan

nothing-impossible1

Warning: Performing some of these stunts will result in grievous injury that will send you to the emergency room. Also, the guy’s like “No, not the dining chair! Dear God, not the dining chair!”

Want to impress people at a party? This book is for you.

47. You’re Either One or the Other: A Children’s Book about Human Sexuality by Joy Wilt, Illustrated by Hergie

One or the Other 1

But keep in mind that Gender is a spectrum and social construct. Also, trans and intersex people exist.

Also called, My First Sex Ed Book.

48. The Pantyhose Craft Book by Jean Ray Laury and Joyce Aiken

pantyhosecover

From the Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Why, what a lovely and unusual quilt you’ve made, Muriel. I’ve never seen one quite like it. What’s that fabric?”

Got a lot of ripped up pantyhose you don’t know what to do with? Do craft projects with them.

49. Preparing for Contact by Lyssa Royal and Keith Priest

preparing-for-contact1

Then again, it might not be a romance. He might be probing her brain or perhaps steal her soul.

This science fiction romance is a real meeting of minds.

50. The Pride of Chanur by C.J. Cherryh

prideofchanur

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Shhh. Don’t tell him…he’s adopted.”

Bill Cattington always suspected he was different.

51. Still Hungry- After All These Years: My Story by Richard Simmons

Richard-Simmons-1

Don’t like the way he’s biting on that fork. Seriously, that looks so creepy.

Learn about the life of fitness guru Richard Simmons.

52. Rosey Grier’s Needlepoint for Men by Rosey Grier

roseygrierneedlepoint

By the way, he’s a former NFL linebacker for the LA Rams. Yes, you read that right.

Because real men do needlepoint.

53. Sarah T. Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic by Robin S. Wagner

saraht 1

This girl seems to have a really terrible problem. Since she can’t let go of the booze at 13.

Follow the sensational story of a teenage drunk.

54. How to Sell Your Car for More than It’s Worth by Gregory C. Hill

sell-your-car1

Look at the guy posed with the car and he dresses like a shady used car salesman. And you know those guys are notorious for ripping people off.

If you got a clunker you need to get rid of, this is the book for you.

55. The Skunk and His Junk by Pam Scheunemann

Skunk and his Junk 1

It’s actually perfectly suitable for children. However, the title just results in all kinds of shits and giggles for anyone 12 and older.

It’s just a book about a skunk and his junk.

56. Mommy, Why Is There a Server in the House? by Tom O’Connor, Ph. D.

tech_ultrafilter.jpeg

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “Well, Jenny, it’s because it’s used for…uhm…internet…something. You know what, I don’t know either, and it’s probably boring anyway. Just don’t touch it, because that large heavy thing that I don’t know the purpose of is expensive as hell.”

Parents, talk to your kids about you stay-at-home server.

57. The Pirate City by Michael Robert Ballantyne

The Pirate City 1

Because all those guys seem like futuristic soldiers. Not 19th century Barbary pirates in Northern Africa.

Those guys don’t look like pirates to me.

58. The Breeze Horror by Candace Caponegro

thebreezehorror

From The Museum of Bad Book Covers: “One of my favorite cover subjects is horror books about completely un-scary things. Grrr! Those curtains’ll teach you to call them ugly and claim they clash with the wallpaper!”

Boy, Frankenstein’s monster sure has a large mouth.

59. Cornerstones of Freedom: The Story of Watergate

Watergate for Kids 1

Man, those pictures aren’t very flattering. Still, this was a scandal when most Americans actually cared about presidential integrity. Because there was no such thing as Fox News to fill white conservative voters with so much outlandish conspiracy theories and have white supremacists on their primetime shows.

Kids, now you can learn about the story of one of the darkest moments of American history.

60. Y2K-9: The Dog Who Saved the World by Todd Strasser

Y2K-9-1

Now if this dog hacker can go after the Russian hackers backing Donald Trump. That would be great. Still, you can’t take this seriously.

About a dog hacker who’s such a good boy.

Advertisements

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Southern Cross”

baudulaire_out_by_asoueclub

The Baudelaires remain on the island for a year as they raise baby Beatrice. By this time, they’ve just read their parents’ last entry of them being kicked off the island and that she’s pregnant. If the baby was a girl, she intended to name  her Violet. If it was a boy, she as going to name him Lemony. Thank God, Violet turned out to be a girl or she would’ve been saddled with the name of her mom’s ex who was presumed dead at the time. Then again, I think the Baudelaire parents named their son Klaus two years later was either because they knew Lemony was alive at the time or that it was Bertrand’s turn and didn’t want to saddle a name like Lemony on a kid. Also, that their dad built a boat they named after her. Anyway, Violet decides that despite all the treachery in the world, it’s time to get off the island and back to the mainland. And since a flood is due on the coastal shelf, they don’t have long. Violet patches up the boat and takes off the sign with “Count Olaf” on it revealing it to be the very boat the Baudelaire parents set sail on. They decide to leave the chronicle behind on the island since it might be useful to future castaways who come along. And as soon as the Baudelaires and baby Beatrice get on the boat, the little baby says her own name which is the boat’s name, Mrs. Baudelaire’s, and the name of whom Lemony dedicates each book to. Though Lemony Snicket doesn’t exactly know what happened to the Baudelaires after that, earlier books and The Beatrice Letters strongly imply that all three survived and are now adults (though Beatrice is about 10 when she wrote her letters to her Uncle Lemony, meaning that Sunny would’ve been at least 12 years old at the time.)

Tumblr_lp6q32vQDW1r0hx0so2_500

Thus, I end the series with Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young’s “Southern Cross” which is about a man sailing the Pacific after a failed love affair. Though he admires the sea’s beauty, music is his final consolation. The last lyric is filled with the sad irony that he’s trying to convince himself that he’ll eventually forget about his lover. But he knows that this will never happen any more than he can forget the beauty of the Southern Cross. In this version, I have the Baudelaires discuss leaving the island and taking baby Beatrice in tow.

 

“Southern Cross” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Get on our boat, it is time, to depart from the island
To sail a reach before a following sea
Decision Day’s coming in with the high tide
To wash us up on the Briny Beach

Our dad built this boat for their island departure
Named it after our mom as Ishmael drove them away
How the hell would Mom know a Lemony?
Though we somehow we realize why they kept some things at bay

Think about
Think about how many times we have fallen
World’s full of treachery, but we can’t hide out
What Heaven brought us right here cannot be forgotten

Around the way (We have been around the way)
Lookin’ (lookin’ for a peaceful place)
Where we’re left alone (we know it’s quite secure)
And we know it will

Klaus:
When you see the Southern Cross for the first time
You understand now why you came this way
‘Cause the truth you might be runnin’ from is so small
But it’s as big as the promise, the promise of a comin’ day

So we’re sailing for the mainland our dreams are a-dyin’
There are questions still unanswered to (and unanswered they remain)
So I’m sailing for tomorrow my dreams are a-dyin’
We have our ship and all her flags are a-flyin’
She is all that we left and Beatrice is her name

Think about
Think about how many times we have fallen
World’s full of treachery, but we can’t hide out
What Heaven brought us right here cannot be forgotten

Around the way (We have been around the way)
Lookin’ (lookin’ for a peaceful place)
Where we’re left alone (we know it’s quite secure)
And we know it will
And we know it will

So we cheated and we lied and we bested
And we never failed to fail it was the easiest thing to do
We will survive being tested
We’ll make a life, we’ll raise Beatrice, and find our friends when we all could
At the southern cross

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Dear Baby Beatrice”

cover-8164

The Baudelaires don’t have much time to mourn for Kit Snicket and their archenemy Count Olaf who they bury and whose graves they bestow wildflowers on. Because they have a baby Beatrice to raise. Through the next year, Violet invents baby equipment, Klaus researches baby care and makes note on Beatrice’s development, and Sunny uses wild sheep to make food and milk for her. They also cultivate bitter apple trees to keep the island protected as well as add to the island’s chronicle.

c957d2f248708194fa1e8b4f5a9bb273

As for songs, I selected “Dear Theodosia” from Hamilton where both Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr promise their newborn children that they’ll be around for them and be the fathers they never had. What’s heartwarming is that both men live up to their promise. But unfortunately Theodosia Burr and Philip Hamilton would die before their parents would. Theodosia and her husband would be lost on a journey to the Caribbean. Philip would be killed in a duel at 19. In this version, the Baudelaires promise their new charge that they’ll raise her and take care of her like the guardians they never had.

 

“Dear Baby Beatrice”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire.

Violet:
Dear Baby Beatrice, what to say to you?
You have Kit’s eyes. You have our mother’s name
When you came into the world, you cried and it broke my heart

We’re dedicating every day to you
Domestic life was never quite our style
When you smile, you knock me out, I fall apart
And I thought I was so smart

We will come of age while we raise you
We’ll bleed and fight for you, we’ll make it right for you
If we lay a strong enough foundation
We’ll pass it on to you, we’ll give the world to you
And you’ll blow us all away…

Someday, someday
Yeah, you’ll blow us all away
Someday, someday

Klaus:
Oh Beatrice, when you smile I am undone
Our girl
Look at our girl
Pride is not the word I’m looking for
There is so much more inside me now
Oh Beatrice, you outshine the morning sun
Our girl
When you smile, I fall apart
And I thought I was so smart
Our parents are not around

Violet:
Your parents are not around

Klaus:
We swear that

Both:
We’ll be around for you

Klaus:
We’ll do whatever it takes

Violet:
We’ll make a million mistakes

Both:
We’ll make the world safe and sound for you…

… We will come of age while we raise you
We’ll bleed and fight for you, we’ll make it right for you
If we lay a strong enough foundation
We’ll pass it on to you, we’ll give the world to you
And you’ll blow us all away…

Someday, someday
Yeah, you’ll blow us all away
Someday, someday

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Kit’s Death”

flat,800x800,070,f.u1

Shortly after Count Olaf dies, Kit gives birth to a baby girl. But because the horseradish apples may not be safe for babies in utero,  she quickly succumbs to the Medusoid Mycelium poisoning. Despite the fact that her daughter was already on her way out of the birth canal so the potential for harm is minimal. But Kit’s not taking any chances. Nonetheless, while the birth of a baby is a happy occasion, the moment is very sad. The Baudelaires name her after their mom, Beatrice as Kit had requested and take her in. Still, Beatrice’s entry into the world is a very tragic one. Her mother died giving birth to her. Her father was harpooned before she was born. But fortunately, she won’t have a horrible childhood since the Baudelaires raise her s one of their family.

30087813_1940800415951294_773384225435942912_n

For Kit’s death, I went with “Lament” from Evita in which Eva Peron is in the death throws as she loses her battle with cervical cancer at the age of 33 as she looks back in her life and wishes she could more time to live. In this version, I have Kit dying of the Medusoid Mycelium and giving her last requests to the Baudelaires, particularly on her daughter, Beatrice.

 

“Kit’s Death”

Sung by Kit Snicket

Kit:
The choice was mine, and mine completely
I could have any prize that I desired
I could burn with the splendor of the brightest fire
Or else,
Or else I could choose… time.
Remember, your folks were our good friends
Take my daughter, raise her all your days
Tell her about me and my Dewey
I see the lights and now I’m on my way.
And how I lived!
How they shine!
But how soon the lights are gone…

The choice was mine, and no one else’s.
I could save the world in V.F.D.
Give my life to the people I might never meet.
Or else…
To children of my own.
Remember, I was close to your folks
Your mom almost became my brother’s bride.
But a frame up made her dump him for your dear old dad.
Well, such things could not be rectified.
Oh my daughter!
Oh my girl!
Understand what I have done…

Violet:
The choice was yours and no one else’s.
You can cry for a body in despair.
Hang your head because she has her daughter here
And so, Beatrice shall be her name.

Klaus:
But now
But now we are all mournful
We will be orphan kids now forevermore
As the stars won’t allow our folks to grow old…
But we, we will tell them all…

Violet and Klaus:
Eyes, hair, face, body…
We must dig two graves.
Both be buried forever.
No less than they deserved.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “The Night Has a Thousand Eyes”

tumblr_omo7bcZzAM1u4h37go1_1280

After carrying Kit Snicket in the only good deed he’d ever do in his life, Count Olaf kisses her as he lays her down on the sand before he collapses beside her. Because while he’s cured of the Medusoid Mycelium, he’s still profusely bleeding from a harpoon wound thanks to Ishmael. Kit reaches out and tenderly touches his ankle as she recites a poem “The Night Has a Thousand Eyes” while Olaf answers it with the last stanza of “This Be the Verse” before biting the dust with a “HA!” A poignant end to one of the most iconic villains in literature. It’s heavily hinted that the two may have had a relationship in the past, but I’m sure Kit dumped Olaf at some point because well, do I really need to get into that? Because he’s a bastard. I’m sure this leads the Baudelaires stunned out of their minds since they’ve never seen Count Olaf like this before. However, he has realized that he has nothing left to live for since he’s lost all his henchmen, his parents, his girlfriend, and his true love. All his plans are ruined. And he has no chance of obtaining the Baudelaire fortune or anyone else’s, which has made him too depressed to go on living for a time. And what’s interesting is despite everything Count Olaf did to them, the Baudelaires would sometimes visit his grave during their time on the island.

24213_1214925010351_195_272

The song I went with is “On this Night of a Thousand Stars” from Evita, which introduces Augustin Magaldi who took Eva Duarte to Buenos Aires as far as the musical is concerned. Despite that this incident never happened in real life because they never met. In real life, Eva got into Buenos Aires through family members since the city offered the promise of a better life. She didn’t bet on winning the lottery like meeting an ambitious army colonel named Juan Peron and becoming the First Lady of Argentina. In this version, Kit and Count Olaf recite poetry to one another as the Baudelaires look stunned while helping Kit give birth.

 

“The Night Has a Thousand Eyes”

Lemony Snicket:
Now Count Olaf had nothing left to live for
His past methods and tactics don’t work
No henchmen, no cash
No girlfriend, no true love
No chance of obtaining a fortune
At the age of fifty

Now dying from a harpoon wound
The dreaded Count Olaf
Carried my sister to from the shore
His only good deed

Kit Snicket:
The night has a thousand eyes
And the day but only one
Yet the light of the bright world dies
Dies with the dying sun

The mind has a thousand eyes
And the heart but only one
Yet the heart of the whole life
Dies when love is done

Violet:
I never dreamed that Count Olaf could be as kind as this
But now I know that he can

Klaus:
He was always there putting us through nightmares
Now he’s a shell of that man
Now all my hate disappeared and all my troubling fears
Isn’t there anymore
On this terrible day when he seems slipping away
To no more
On this night
On this night

Count Olaf:
Man hands on misery to man.
Deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can.
Don’t have kids yourself.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Waltz for Count Olaf”

the_end_by_despairisi

Desperate to get Kit Snicket off the coast, the Baudelaires do the unthinkable. They scramble for Count Olaf since he’s the only person who could. They don’t care if he’s evil and dying. They even offer him an apple to cure himself. But he turns it down since he wants the Baudelaire fortune which is out of reach at this point. They even confront him about the fire that burned down their house and killed their parents, which he denies ever starting. As the children pester him, Count Olaf is determined to do nothing. Until they tell them it’s Kit who needs help, compelling him to grab an apple and carry Kit off to a safer location before kissing her.

Kit_e_Olaf

The song I chose is Evita’s “Waltz for Eva and Che” in which Che makes a few remarks to Eva on how she’s enabling her husband’s dictatorial impulses and how she doesn’t stand for anything. In turn, Eva reveals that she’s not very ashamed of what she’s doing and is dying of cervical cancer. In this version, the Baudelaires beg Count Olaf to help Kit Snicket as he’s dying of a harpoon wound in the chest.

 

“Waltz for Count Olaf”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire and Count Olaf

Violet:
Help us before you waltz out of our lives
Before turning your back on the past
Forgive my impertinent behavior
We need to get Kit down from her towering bookstack

Klaus:
Tell us before you fade into the sunset
There’s one thing I never got clear
How did you feel when you started that fire,
That burned up our parents and our mansion?
Not to mention, ruining our lives?

Count Olaf:
Tell me before I get onto my bus
Before joining the forgotten brigade
How can one person like me, say,
Alter the time-honored way the game is played?
Tell me before I get onto my white horse
Just what you expect me to do
I don’t care what you Baudelaires say
I just want your family jewels
So I can get that fancy new sports car
Which I can use to run over you

Violet, Klaus, and Count Olaf:
There is evil, ever around
Fundamental within society
Quite incidental

Count Olaf:
So what are my chances of honest advances?
I’d say low

Violet:
Your scheming means nothing right now
We don’t care if you’re evil

Klaus:
Help us before you seek much farther pastures
Kit Snicket’s in labor as we speak
How can you be so short-sighted
To look never further than this week or next week
To have such impossible dreams?

Count Olaf:
Orphans, you don’t know about anything else
You’re the same brats since we met
You think you can triumph in this life
With a keen mind, stack of books, or good meals
You’re just like your parents, Bertrand and Beatrice
Naïve folk, who perished in their mansion fire

Violet, Klaus, and Count Olaf:
There is evil, ever around
Fundamental within society
Quite incidental

Count Olaf:
Since Kit is in danger, I’ll help her if I’m able
For her sake

Kit:
Does one kind act will make me forgive you?
Spite years of pain?
That is insane!

Count Olaf:
Oh, what I’d give for a hundred years
But the physical interferes
A harpoon here, Kit, let me kiss you
What is the good of the strongest heart
In a body that’s falling apart?
A serious flaw, I hope You know that

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Departure Song”

952a72d0b63e596bb2cbb2e8ac381a00

Fortunately, the Baudelaires cure themselves of the Medusoid Mycelium just in time. But unfortunately, when Violet uses the periscope to check on the flooding situation in order to rescue Kit Snicket, she discovers the islanders getting the outrigger ready and preparing to leave. So they quickly gather apples and bring them to the coastal shelf. The Baudelaires try to convince to take the apples and cure themselves, but since they’re doped up on coconut cordial, see them as the ones who got them into this situation, and head by Ishmael’s every word, they don’t listen. And did I say Ishmael isn’t as much affected than the other colonists since he had already eaten the apples? Not to mention, he grabs the apple stockpot and throws them into the water as well as a refuses to have them onboard. Because apparently, they’ll be en route to a horseradish factory on Lousy Lane. But not before the kids sneak an apple onboard for Friday so they don’t want her to die. So Ishmael basically bullies his followers into leaving to the sea and most likely to their deaths. So yeah, Ishmael committed genocide. Though briefly torn, the Baudelaires decide to stay with Kit and help her have her baby. She tells them about what happened to the Quagmires, Hector, and Captain Widdershins with his stepchildren which constitutes both aircraft and seacraft crashing into each other and being swallowed by the Great Unknown. The kids tell her that Dewey is dead and realizing she needs rescued, go and fetch Count Olaf.

yA83Fn

The song I went with is the downcast “Work Song” from Les Miserables where Jean Valjean is released from prison on parole, endures the stigma being an ex-con, and visits the bishop before stealing his silverware. In this version, I cover the islanders departure to Kit filling the Baudelaires about their friends. She even said that before her disappearance Fiona was desperate to reach Klaus and wanted to forgive her as well, which I omitted. Though I think Klaus already had by this point though he’s still broken hearted about the whole thing.

 

“Departure Song”

Islanders:
Look down, look down
Don’t look ’em in the eye
Look down, look down,
We leave before we die

Finn:
The sun is strong
It’s hot as hell ashore

Islanders:
Look down, look down,
We must leave fast for cure

Fletcher:
Let’s move along!
We don’t have much time here.

Islanders:
Look down, look down,
Ishmael will force us there.

Violet:
Hold on, please wait,
We’ve got a cure for you!

Ishmael:
Look down, look down,
They’re all lying to you

Klaus:
For Christ please, just please eat these
You’ll be fine!

Ishmael:
Look down, look down
Don’t look ’em in the eye

Bligh:
How long, oh Lord
Before you let me die?

Islanders:
Look down, look down,
Let’s get in this wood boat
Look down, look down,
Get in before we croak

Klaus:
You have no clue on the Medusoid Mycelium
It takes an hour
Until it chokes you done
You know what that means.

Friday:
Yes, it means we die.

Klaus:
Yes!
It means you’re dead
When you reach the factory
Your time is brief

Ishmael:
Don’t listen to these kids.

Violet:
You won’t make it.

Klaus:
Take this apple, Friday.

Miranda:
Stay away from them for God’s sake
Don’t even trust them

Ishmael:
Go get on the boat
We do not have another moment left.

Violet:
Those shrooms were here before we were born
Our folks made these plants

Klaus:
You know that as well as I
You eat while your people die
Can’t you listen to us now?

Ishmael:
You rocked it, Baudelaires

Violet:
You killed them, Ishmael
Do not forget your crime!
Do not forget that!
It’s called genocide

Islanders:
Look down, look down,
Let’s get in this wood boat
Look down, look down,
Get in before we croak

Klaus:
We must stay here. We must help Kit
She’s on the coast. She’ll soon give birth.
So she needs us
She’ll be in labor

Violet:
Ishmael drugs and bullies them away.
The won’t survive, no way.
Inky gave one
Will it save them?
It’s such a pity – every one.
The islanders
Will die at sea.
Water’s coming
We must now flee!

Kit:
My water broke
I can’t take an apple
Sorry that I took you three kids
To Hotel Denouement

I should’ve taken you three
To see the Quagmires
Duncan and Isadora
Now know Quigley’s fine

Fernald and Fiona
Reunited with their stepdad
There was a large sea crash
Sub crashed into zeppelin

I made a massive quick book raft
And made it out of there though on my own
But everyone else who was there
Were later swallowed
By what’s called The Great Unknown
Hope Dewey can forgive me
The next time he sees me

Violet:
Dewey is dead
Disemboweled by a harpoon
We’re feeling sort of guilty
We didn’t tell you as soon

Klaus:
It was an accident
He fell in a pond
We also helped Count Olaf
Burn up the whole hotel

Violet:
We’re sorry, Kit
That we’ve done so much wrong
Now let us push your raft of books
Back to the shore.

Kit:
Now you three kids stop that please
I’ve got nothing to live for you see
They’re dead and gone

One brother missing another killed
While my true love Dewey Denouement
Is dead and gone!
I will die
Ring’s yours to keep
Take care of my baby.

But remember this you children,
I will die soon after the birth
Name this kid after one parent
Depending if it’s a boy or girl

Violet:
Well, we got the raft within shore
But we can’t get you down or off
I don’t have time for a contraption
So it seems we must ask Count Olaf.

Klaus:
Are you raving mad?
You know that’s just insane
You know the hell he’s caused
Since the whole thing began

Violet:
There’s nobody else right now
For everyone has left
So we’ve just got Count Olaf
We got to find him now
We got to get Kit out
A flood is coming round
And we can’t really help
So we must go see him
We must persist
Till he gives in