I Want You to View These Vintage Wartime Propaganda Posters (Fourth Edition)

f553f0801ced494feb994d87fdcda9d1.jpg

Over the years around the 4th of July, I have done annual posts on propaganda posters. Mostly I use American wartime posters from the early 20th century. Mostly because their artistic quality is way better than those in the 19th century. Nonetheless, their presents appears to loom large since they were once seen everywhere to encourage the war effort. So it’s no surprise that so many became icons of pop culture. However, given that these were made decades ago, you’ll find plenty that haven’t aged well for some reason. Some may be racist. Some may be sexist. Some may depict very backward attitudes. Others may have terrible artwork and weird facial expressions. So for your reading pleasure I give you another assortment of vintage propaganda posters. Enjoy.

  1. Send your trash to the US military for war stuff.
a7587b6c1e5ec0628ae2633bacdacadc

Well, at least it’s recycling. Though it’s applied to a rather sinister purpose.

2. Want to support the troops? Reduce your food intake.

0e73068866d00c5b47319da285b7978c.jpg

After all, soldiers, sailors, and marines need to eat, too. So best you might want to cut back on portion sizes.

3. Defend your country. Or else black guys will ravish your women.

0f6449783b1f16d47319e7dd4550ff8b

This is a WWII Italian poster evoking a common racist trope against black guys raping white women to stoke white people’s fears. And you can tell this is targeted toward Americans despite that black people served in multiple allied armies thanks to colonialism.

4. Buy war stamps to keep the Hun out.

1a5bf4dc810f9a27afe0ca3c6ce342b5

Still, I wonder how he could get through the window without bumping his helmet. Also, the blood on his bayonet might mean he’s out of ammo and is willing to kill again.

5. Are you a lady who can drive? Volunteer as a military driver.

1b93cc7cb3f9207182c9a88e812a0b8e

Still, I’m not sure if wearing a skirt that long is practical for being behind the wheel. Might get tangled. Also, you don’t want to go to the Western Front.

6. Germany is a place of manly strength.

1eee69bf8e0e1d187c890195a097e3b5

Nonetheless, compared to the guys you see in superhero movies, this man is kind of scrawny. Also, holding a torch naked doesn’t seem to fly.

7. Hey, sailors, no need to be stingy in the mess hall.

3fd99af19251eef1326b6be86fa30010

Because you may not know when you’ll have your next meal. Still, military food doesn’t have a great reputation so make do with what you got.

8. Don’t let the shadow of Nazism touch your kids.

4cef1a00e03c21fe52377d42e58a88db

Then again, it might be too late if you kid’s a neo-Nazi. Still, the swastika hovering over them is menacing.

9. Josef Stalin’s like, “Take that Hitler.”

5f209a96a355a4b56a20816df39459b7

Despite the fact that Stalin made the near fatal mistake of trusting Hitler when the war started. Still, this is kind of funny that it’s hard to take it seriously.

10. War dogs are ready for trouble.

6fe0ad0f12ebe83aa74766d8a4931ffd

Though you wouldn’t tell it by this dog’s face. Still, apparently, dogs can also be as disillusioned with carnage of war as people.

11. Are you a responsible civilian man? Volunteer as an air raid warden.

7bf36cdd2be18f16610038f233712176

However, like this guy, you’ll feel ridiculous to wear a hat with your business suit. Yeah, he doesn’t seem very happy.

12. Don’t get left behind with VD.

8e421f5cb841f1e590a735ad255c7351

Because we all know that STD-infected men make bad soldiers. So keep it in your pants for freedom.

13. Let’s hit the Axis leaders square in the ass.

9a9a656999825cce1794631f39b4edb4.jpg

Since we’re making weapons for victory. So every time you make a bombshell, you’re getting rid of Fascism.

14. Britain has always come from proud generations of fighting for freedom.

9cea6a2d26ee1bf9b848a63e19ecece6

Except, much of the time they were usually the guys who most people were fighting against for freedom. Why do they not have an independence day?

15. Join the US Army for we build men.

9e383ab404e4178a86e6285172a51a75

So you can put your lives on the line so you can either die, come home a mangled mess, or spend the rest of your life marred with PTSD. Yeah, not a pleasant experience.

16. Keep on the job and turn D-Day to V-Day.

13a333ffedc4a5b3e12c507e93c82a44

Yes, you want to see that Nazi surrender don’t you? Though this guy appears to have the same sullen face like he doesn’t mean it.

17. Servicemen fed courtesy of the Salvation Army.

14e7529c3becf71e9ededd2ac6847d63

So they even serve food for the troops? Thought they just do charity work and raise money during the holiday season.

18. Factories are the big guns on the home front.

18c58ed70a071d49ed74895bc60fb52e

However, I’m sure those smokestacks have horrible emissions. Way to contribute to climate change.

19. Shut off that light so they won’t see us.

36e6376313204c26b2b844611765ca4b

Because you don’t want Germans destroying your house. And let’s just say, that happened a lot in WWII Britain.

20. Our labor and our goods are meant for fighting.

38d0782a2f32a99e745d6fccaa512aac

Still, perhaps you might not want to sew a guy’s pants while he’s working. Cause that’s kind of inconvenient.

21. Want to help with the war effort? Join the school garden army.

39e688494eceb83e960ace2f14c2d422

Where you can learn about horticulture by growing veggies for those in uniform. Though I don’t think a skirt is practical for plow work.

22. Don’t forget to give generously to help sustain Russia.

40aa65babfecd5d9b1cc097924d30a5f

However, once the war’s over, stop donating money to the Russians. Since they’re our enemies and we’re fighting a nuclear arms race with them.

23. China is the first to fight so support it.

42b48a8ee650a14fb43e957606fc0516

Until after the war when the factions will resume their ongoing civil war and the Communists take over. Let’s just say things will get worse under Chairman Mao.

24. Behold all the people the Brits have terrorized.

45e57fbd7316f6079d79f0cb1d1b0eaa

Well, this Italian WWII poster isn’t wrong since the British have inflicted a lot of death and destruction in the name of imperialism. However, we must understand this was made under Mussolini’s Fascist rule.

25. France is burning. Send help for the Red Cross.

472f30fe177cb17d19648215b0f3cc0d

Since what kind of person wouldn’t want to help this pretty nurse? Still, France will face worse in WWII.

26. Supporting the war effort has always been a tradition for American women.

4.2.7

They just do different things like sew or drill rivets. Still, after the war, the latter lady will have to give her job to a man.

27. Blood means life for defense so donate today.

62b2e54168a8fe014bada835b7a37a01

Offer not available for black people. Because the American Red Cross was racist at the time.

28. Soldiers caught in hellscape? Someone must’ve talked.

75a2232a9337d77f9f3f07bd92ec405e

Not sure if that’s the case most of the time. Since war’s all no matter what you do within it.

29. Yes, daddy helps build those plans indeed.

79f213853aa7d97e2edab4a9b0dd0f3b

The kids looking up kind of remind me of dolls from a horror movie. Kind of wish the planes shoot them down already.

30. War stamps are full of Vitamin “V.”

92c681f0644492cc01816afab05ea391

This kid appears like a budding serial killer who’d slit your throat in a dark alley. Avoid him at all times.

31. Canadians, get your teeth into the job.

92ce478c9ea8ace1f772a4821aaad9c1

Looks like Hitler climbed up the wrong tree. Since the Canadian beaver’s chopping like a storm.

32. Are you a boy under 18? Join the Victory Boys.

94ec40c97c949127e887e884310c7f28

This is an auxiliary unit for teenage boys to support soldiers. Yet, while our troops fight over there, they’re mostly doing care packages on the home front.

33. Produce your limit to stop the Axis Powers.

96cde86a5d30778d751639fd30c88230

This one depicts a monster with Hitler and Hirohito heads and smashing the Statue of Liberty. Yes, that’s Fascism to you.

34. Beware of the monstrous Liberators.

652d9d228c5af3ee750306d07e7a57c3

This is a rather crazy Nazi propaganda poster from WWII. Seems assembled with everything the Nazis hated about the US but comes off as utterly ridiculous that it’s hard to take seriously.

35. Apparently, we got some sort of a traffic jam.

751eb67a5bace75eedc5716f2030008a

This one is supposed to encourage people to use less sugar in their jellies. But the jam parade is utterly freaky.

36. In war, it’s best you watch what you say over the phone.

920ccc00348100f0145ce313f264c0d3

For all you know, Hitler could be listening in. And you don’t want that, do you?

37. Even the walls have ears during wartime.

991b98fcb4d55e869dcc6290c8d7e1e6

Man, these propaganda posters might make you paranoid after awhile. And yes, you can have Nazis living next door, which is pretty scary.

38. Join a balloon barrage squadron to secure our nation.

1049e1ccccf21fe981388bb8dc1e3f68

For one, those blimps fell out of favor after the Hindenburg crash. Second, more or less resembles a crazy steampunk cover.

39. Enlist in the Navy to help your country.

4129a4358021751b442f7d319abdd4cf

I don’t know about you. But that naval captain seems like he’s tied to a net. Oh, that’s just his outfit.

40. You don’t want to call off work over syphilis do you?

04743b3bb3e19763772e5d4c8e1f2ca8

Yes, STDs are a bitch. So use protection or just keep it in your pants. Else, you lose your pay.

41. Behold, send in the Norwegian Legion.

7923b064a3bf978f19860dcccb606a65

This guy seems like he wants to retreat but doesn’t have the confidence to. And now he realizes he’s in deep shit.

42. Wanted: 500,000 men to the Western Front. Your country wants you.

09672e3b64fc5c9482cfdd2bd7e5f8b8

That bald guy looks cartoonishly freaky, I’d pass on that. Seriously, the guy is the stuff of nightmares. Then again, anyone who refuses will get drafted anyway.

43. Don’t let the imperialist menace take away your babies.

42626a6e74a9021d2cf89432c019540b

Yet, another poster from Axis Italy during WWII. Here death comes in Allied form and takes away a crying mom’s baby. Seems more fitting on a horror movie poster.

44. What are you waiting for, Canada?

1862580b0872232697b5825134442230

Okay, Canada did participate in World War II and many servicemen and women sent there served with distinction. Notable example: James Doohan from Star Trek. Still, that guy’s face is too priceless to take seriously.

45. Buy war savings stamps to save your kid from autocracy and poverty.

183921196c9e8b8a8b75884ec13a380e

Unfortunately, since we have the Trump Administration in power, your best bet is to vote for a Democrat for 2020. War saving stamps won’t save you today.

46. From the American Revolution to WWII, Americans have always fought for liberty.

816406380a01cd796a313853eb074d09

Well, that’s sort of true to an extent. Though Native Americans would beg to differ since we know what happened to them.

47. Be careful: telling a friend may mean telling an enemy.

876649957aad18efdc0222e1d832e9b2

Now they’re telling us we can’t trust our friends. That our friends may be Nazis? Oh wait.

48. Ask yourself are you supporting the war effort with all you can?

a5bbbd197067375b886437f60a8da5ce

Well, that’s a good question with no easy answers. And you can see where it’s all headed to.

49. Put everything you can in this drive and keep on firing.

abbdefe89937d70f87baeaa4ee9f52dc

Yet, I don’t understand the use of golf metaphors. But keep swinging at Hitler.

50. When do we get Hitler? It’s up to you.

b61b08787ebad901ff5eb953b18f8a19

And the bombers seem to come after him right on schedule. Despite that he’ll shoot himself and his wife in a Berlin bunker in 1945.

51. For a quicker victory, we must do our part.

b224addb1f3908d67586cfb6e5ae562f

Yeah, but we won’t achieve victory until 1945. So that’s 2 years off which will take some large scale invasions and 2 atom bombs.

52. Let beaver and lion join in pursuing victory.

b706f9c8b9ddde3f7f2b0bc08c9415ee

Yes, this is for Canada during WWII. Apparently, Canada was still part of Great Britain by then as far as this poster is concerned.

53. Pull for victory by helping us crack the world’s biggest nut.

bd8844d4b70fbc5757b33d820addcce6

That’s Hitler by the way. But in the 1940s, he has some stiff competition with Mussolini, Stalin, Franco, and Mao.

54. As long as you keep it under your hat, the soldier will be safe.

beb995823ea5e28aa1c327fd272eab66

For careless talk costs lives. So don’t trust anyone with state secrets.

55. How will you save a life during Red Cross Week?

c690e24d1782e2b1b373192b7b8a447e

For humanity’s sake, choose civilization over barbarism. Also, stay away from Trumpism since it’s basically an American variation of fascism.

56. Crowing is an easy way to lose the war.

c938af1173acf87773bcd8b360940542

See the Axis leaders listening in to the rooster. Though you won’t get much intelligence from him. Unless he’s using a special rooster code.

57. Don’t forget to smack Hitler during your afternoon work.

c4050dbe80e8e89c87e6991df55ec425

Sure, these women work part time. But they don’t put up with Nazis.

58. Beware of the snake of Fascism.

cd2fc84d19e81cfc72a27e7c23d360f0

Though given the language it’s in such as Spanish, I’m not sure who we’re supposed to root for. Are we supposed to be for the snake or the naked guy with the hammer?

59. Support your country. Dig for victory.

d1baee3e73cbfceb3c2470a16cc29c25

But would you trust a small child with a hoe and shovel? Not sure if I would.

60. You can’t win without women at war.

d2d1146124b86337376010a1e4192ca8

Indeed, someone has to make the bombs. And the young men need to be on the front lines. So….

61. Buy war savings stamps to share in the victory.

d7de5e716ad8d2f031154f8f8bcfa722

So the angel has a sword in one hand and an olive branch in the other. So invest in war and relish in the peace.

62. Government training schemes come with paid allowances. So train to win.

d74e9458ee237f7a6736fb1a8ccd3a71

Though they really should use background checks. Since this guy seems to resemble the neighborhood psychokiller.

63. Use your blow torch to make a grilled cheese.

dc65ca08f3b5b4f61ab517e35eb2c214

I’m sure that would work. But you really shouldn’t trust me with a blowtorch.

64. Defending American freedom is everyone’s job.

ddf57e1150b5758e9e564deefeb0e0a7

Here Uncle Sam puts on a more utilitarian hat so he won’t get his star-spangled top hat dirty. Though he doesn’t seem to be in prime condition.

65. Steel, not bread for the conquered.

e8a0f7a3006119cef131c548ea59a960

You can see the knife has a swastika on the handle. Though the conquered can also use bread, too.

66. Are you in the British war effort?

e620c663d266cdbf18797bee49df7d8a

The guys on the top go into the trenches. The others below stay on the home front. Be the folks at the home front.

67. The Patriotic Service League is America’s third line of defense.

e896c2e7884d633609f42238d2df774a

You can tell it’s from World War 1 since it says “Confront Prussia.” Prussia had ceased to exist as a country in the 1870s. It was Germany then.

68. Remember folks, war traffic must come first.

e90257506b6a3ca7619e9a6a278068f8

Because in a time of war, the trains must run on time. Our servicemen’s lives depend on it.

69. Buy war bonds. They’re waiting.

f0b3b038ebb78dbc5f4560b5dd6d7d3d

If you don’t, the kid and the dog dies from a bombing. Just saying.

70. Buy war stamps to keep the planes fighting over the ocean.

f7e3877fae1c31b4f9bff384d792f1dd

Because we’ll need to a ton of planes to deal with those Japanese Zeroes. Still, the Pacific front is a real shitshow.

71. Your blood can save this soldier.

f16dccabe496f717c50ba98a144a4fa2

Blood donation offers available to white people only. Because 1940s America is under segregation where blacks in the South are effectively disenfranchised.

72. Russian bricklayers are willing to do their part.

f92b9740dd1216a5939e088e273cba11

Though this guy seems more likely to drop one on you. Make sure he’s not above you or you’ll live to regret it. If you live at all.

73. Cut down on the carbs and take down the Kaiser.

f513a09e4f7eea9442ff1cc7bd8765a9

Because the troops need food to take down those U-Boats. But WWI will be won in the trenches.

74. During wartime, create make your own victory home.

4.2.7

So this means getting war work, raise and share food, walk and carry packages, conserve everything, and save 10% in war bonds. Some of this can apply to fighting climate change.

75. The American Junior Red Cross are builders of a new world.

f81742c9d5dfcc0bc71a17a8f541f50d

Though lately, the American Red Cross has been under a lot of scrutiny. Since they haven’t had a great reputation in recent years.

76. Arise women, your country needs you.

faae31e6da434b3b3a8a132cb3568493

And after you’re done, you might get the vote with the 19th Amendment. But don’t ask for it now.

77. Someone’s absent. Is it you?

John-Bull

What’s unsettling about this is that John Bull kind of resembles Donald Trump in a top hat and Union Jack vest. Makes me want to puke.

78. Do your part to help your country and make these planes fly.

01fd639ecb552a38f27e1b483df1eb99

Note that if you serve on a bomber plane, you don’t have very good survival odds. So write your last will and testament while you can.

79. Stay away from the red light district.

1b34d4cf548ad0039c6e6655a2c57cec

Notice how the prostitute’s depicted like a skeleton? That’s because she’s riddled with STDs.

80. Want to help defend America, ladies? Join the SPARS.

1d36d6024da574eb079d4856e3f83656

Guess that’s the female auxiliary to the Coast Guard. Yet, they show a woman wielding a shotgun in front of a covered wagon on the Oregon Trail. Bet she lost someone to dysentery.

81. Best keep your mouth shut since spies can be anyone.

2a7cc31de848ddba9aa08b11cd5c3838

Note Hitler behind. So he has people listening around since he’d like an easy victory.

82. Express your thanks to the Merchant Navy.

2cb973d125947512183014980649de18

They don’t get appreciated for their work that much. But without them, the troops would have nothing. Still, it would be better to depict sailors than guys in business suits.

83. Join the Marines so we can smack ’em down.

3b2891d03b8b11657dc917ec4bc24347

And yes, they have flyers like the Army and Navy. Make sure he’s not on a bomber or he’s probably history.

84. In France, gold fights for victory.

3d9fcae0bd74d576a82c137bda482032

And the rooster on the gold coin won’t let the soldier forget it. Also, chickens aren’t cowards since they can rip your freaking face off if you provoke them.

85. Ladies, join the WAVES to make your parents proud.

5c8f0be30004ad4a8c1bd62e347d3f4b

Since little Jimmy is too young to serve. While you just want to get as far from your parents as you can.

86. Britain expects national service.

5e6f1dc04663ac1536e2da2930fcc6f4

And here you see Athena with a Union Jack over a military base. Sure won’t protect against German bombings.

87. If you can’t go across, come across by buying bonds.

9b16db8db1d1d63d1b21103204a7b1ce

However, I pity the ship who gets this seaman. Since he has that killer instinct and probably tortured animals as a child.

88. Don’t let American GIs pistol whip innocent Italian children.

9bbad69bc9036ad758f91d8019ed5afb

Yes, this is another Fascist Italian poster. And yes, Americans aren’t depicted in a sympathetic light.

89. Want to be a ship’s officer? Join the Merchant Marines.

17b97eb658262d9c41b044d13371946d

For the guy who wants to do his part but doesn’t want to see combat. Seriously, Mr. Roberts is basically a war movie without battle scenes since merchant marine service is the boring side of war.

90. Beach fronts are only reserved for the Master Race.

39faae2f3999f26b648f53df098209a7

You’d almost think this was a vacation photo of the Malfoys. Except the Malfoys are pale while the dad seems like he’s related to the Trump family.

91. Join the Scottish War Savings Committee for honor’s sake.

71bd96fb2816ea2688405fc30875d894

They may bomb our lands. But they’ll never take our Freeeedom! Okay, I have to include at least one reference to Braveheart.

92. You defeated the Germans. Now defeat VD.

73cea97e24b62630dc737408a7385b8c

Because there’s gonna be a lot of it. So if you have an STD, keep it in your pants.

93. Apparently, France will be on fire soon if we don’t act now.

288bc27d6df50cadeba300b79c16354c

Wonder what war is this for. Judging by the guy’s uniform, it might be straight out of the 19th century. Perhaps the Franco-Prussian War.

94. Slaughter a bunch of Russians, you’ll get an Iron Cross.

390ed817af57f8fe4769e3202e72acea

Luckily, the Germans didn’t have much luck in Stalingrad. And Stalingrad marked the turning point in WWII. Sorry, D-Day fans.

95. Britishers need you so come across now.

0450afb7b16c961a5caab2bb2b621cc6

After all, the US and Britain are close. And the US is kind of leaning on the Allies. Though they won’t decide until Pearl Harbor. Or Lusitania since I might be talking about the wrong war.

96. Are you Irish and Canadian? We got a unit for you.

9593de007f2a8dff50b8818f27e6c18f

By the way, they’re recruiting in Montreal. You know a major city in Quebec, where they speak French. Wonder what’s weird about this.

97. Since Pearl Harbor, we’re all in this together.

288322c85d193d6f4ff1766edfc9027f

Notice the big red letters designed to grab your attention. Still, we’re all in this together. So dump Trump from the White House once and for all in 2020. Please, I’m begging you.

98. The military still has a place for you.

84917611

But if you haven’t joined already, don’t bet on avoiding the draft. We can’t all afford to get temporary bone spurs.

99. Appreciate America and stop the 5th Column.

b24b40b4a110b7adaebf7b132c31352b

Because we must resist foreign propaganda. Whether it’s Nazi tirades or fake Russian websites and Twitter accounts.

100. Remember that a night with Venus could mean a lifetime of Mercury.

d7c00194bfefccbe8a8b4882c67862af

So unless you got condoms on you, you might want to keep it in your pants, soldier. Yes, STDs are a bitch.

Advertisements

Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Vintage Christmas Advertising of Yesterday (Fifth Edition)

https___mashable.com_wp-content_gallery_18-vintage-christmas-advertisements_VC14

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, I am now free to get into my Christmas posts. And fortunately for the Trump folks, I’ll most likely be busy with these for most of December. Anyway, the day after Thanksgiving is Black Friday, or a day when I try to avoid the stores unless I have to work at one. Sure most of them probably don’t have people rushing inside to buy shit. Yet, you’ll always hear about one Black Friday brawl over a hot item on the news. Nonetheless, retail giants are known to advertise heavily in the days leading up to this iconic shopping day. Seriously, your Thanksgiving newspaper bundle probably comes with countless ads and catalogs on the latest deals. And yes, you’ll find plenty of Christmas ads from back in the day. Some might age well like this Goodyear ad above. But some not so much since they could be quite unintentionally funny, offensive, or creepy. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another yearly assortment of crazy vintage Christmas ads. Enjoy.

  1. There will always be a Christmas, even in the future.
1_QYQI_M3img6dL3UlhqYnUg

And in the future, it seems they’ll always use Rolex. Except that digital technology and smart phones haven’t been good for the watch market these days.

2. There’s no better gift for Christmas than Playboy.

3c87d5f997351c0980dff105c7f5fbad--christmas-ad-vintage-christmas

I’m sure your man will always read it for the articles. Though I would suggest you’re better off giving him a tie. Also, I don’t think this woman’s wearing a bra.

3. This Christmas, give her a Hoover.

4c0971e228276499fd58b225b73aff6b

Sorry, but if a man gave me a vacuum for Christmas, I would not be happy. Seriously, I hat these things.

4. It’s always a holiday party with 7 Up.

7up1

Apparently, Jack’s trying to score with Susie at the dinner table. While Eric gets a bottle from behind.

5. Budweiser is always the beer for the holiday season.

98c7763996e3095f743b113c6fe882d9

You might think she’s happy and engaging in the holiday cheer. But she’s only putting on a smile to hide her dismay over Roger’s gift. And she’s not exactly in the mood for booze at the moment.

6. Santa likes to dance with his reindeer at the North Pole Christmas party.

326ecd43b0a514340ac91a993754ae9e--christmas-lights-christmas-past

Yet, I don’t think Santa has any good intentions for dancing with Dancer. For he’s eyeing the reindeer like a piece of sweet meat.

7. Timmy really seems to like his new train.

813a0936e0a74df7cce179b61700da48--christmas-ad-christmas-train

The boy’s like, “Wow, just what I need for my death machine I intend to use for torturing the neighbor’s cat. Thanks, Mom and Dad.”

8. This Christmas, give your loved ones a box of interwoven socks.

1922_12_09-1061-400x530

To be fair, Socks are essential for everyday living. Yet, I get the impression that Santa’s giving Bobby socks just to spite him for being a brat.

9. Kupperheimer always makes good clothes for the season.

1923_12_01-+C2_SP1-400x521

Still, while Hank was eager to do the Christmas shopping, he didn’t like using bags. But, check out his coat.

10. Thanks to Greyhound, Daddy will be home for Christmas.

34890335eb8a43c4a229e7e637d0c479

Unbeknownst to Mommy and little Johnny, Daddy would never be the same after Korea. Often he’d drink and fly into rages with no apparent reason.

11. With gifts, it’s always the thought behind it that counts.

1940-fisher-body1-400x513

Nonetheless, little Maisie knows that whatever present she gives to her family, nobody will be impressed than the new car Dad bought for the family. But she knows he got it for himself to enhance his ego.

12. Decorate your house with brightly-colored GE Christmas lights.

1945-ge-xmas-lights1-400x516

Or else, Santa will come down your chimney and murder you in your sleep. Don’t think that he wouldn’t.

13. This Christmas, give her the gift of lightness with matching luggage.

1956-samsonite-p11-400x261

Though I’m sure she wouldn’t be able to take a whole set on a plane. Also, not very keen on the colors.

14. Seems like it’s the mom’s job to come up with the Christmas list.

1956-xmas-list-833x1024

Well, at least the girl is writing her own. But the boy just wants to play wit his new ray gun while the dad doesn’t really give a shit. But the mom knows she still has to get a gift for him.

15. Nothing makes a party memorable like 7UP.

0b64b2a77df28c536857e92de7a7f3ff

Wonder if they have anything else in their pop. Or whether whoever’s here will end up doing more than kissing under the mistletoe like the couple in the back.

16. Santa always enjoys a bottle of Coke from the fridge.

vcads_1

Seems like milk and cookies couldn’t satisfy Santa enough. So he had to raid the fridge. Despite that he has plenty of other places to visit that offer the exact same treats.

17. ETA always makes the best Christmas nuts.

1966-nuts-769x1024

From Flashbak: “This couple literally seems on the point of tears over the sight of their gift of Christmas nuts. Suffice it to say, this mom and dad are easy to buy for.”

18. Not it’s Santa’s turn to receive his Christmas gift.

06293a6dcd066ffc3fe7d3ba9f293b10

Though he doesn’t seem certain if this shirt would fit him. Or when he’ll use a tie. Then again, Santa may also have a day job for all we know.

19. “Kids, come on down. Grandma’s here.”

26461cc89231cbf30d17fb24654c1867

Though Bobby doesn’t seem very enthusiastic about seeing Grandma. Maybe because it’s snowy and he’s wearing shorts.

20. All this boy can think about is the new Plymouth.

28716f77ff4ebe5f0e43701f2aed7e4b

Yet, the boy has his head down as if he’s possessed by some demon. That or he may be thinking about the futility of human existence or the inevitability of death.

21. This Christmas stop the sag and end the fag with Allen A underwear.

486706_v2

Apparently, guys often hung out together without a care in the world back in the olden days. I’m sure they’re just friends. Even the toy soldiers like to check out these briefs.

22. Nothing makes a great gift for dad like his favorite cigars.

a295_a6

Apparently, show your love for dad this Christmas by giving him lung cancer if you don’t know what to buy for him. Seriously, that’s what you give your dad when you give him cigars.

23. Santa Claus digs Adidas cleats.

Adidas-Christmas-Ad

Since how does Santa wear a red jumpsuit? Because I don’t get the impression he regularly works out at the gym. Also, doesn’t seem like I’d want to see him there either.

24. Want to make sure you don’t get underwear this Christmas? Ask for Atari.

atari

Well, that’s one way. But I don’t think it’ll get past the parents. Seriously, video games are expensive.

25. This Christmas, Colgate gives the gift of dental hygiene.

b942f81298321b677539ae9d4ffe5a83--vintage-ads-pub

Apparently, Colgate products come from Santa’s disembodied hand in the night sky. Didn’t know he cared about oral health.

26. For this wartime Christmas, Santa chooses Chesterfields.

chesterfield_santa

Santa even has his own military outfit. But still, he promotes a product that kills 1/3 of the world’s population a year.

27. Crosman guns are the gift of the season.

Crosman-Christmas-Ad

For nothing says, “Peace on Earth” like a bunch of guns under your Christmas tree. For God’s sake, these are instruments of death and not appropriate for Christmas. Or any other occasion.

28. Take Santa’s advice and get a supply of Lundborg’s Perfumes.

d85ba7439842411573bb778d2ba1f7de

Apparently, Santa doesn’t think people around the turn of the century bathed as often as they should. Though given how many chimneys he goes through, he could use a shower.

29. “Look, Tommy, it’s Tinkerbell!”

da2292c009e587706bfbc8213e56c353

Seems like this girl’s kind of freaked out by Tinkerbell appearing in front of her eyes. Then again, we’d feel the same way if we were her.

30. Make sure you spice it up with your Christmas wrapping.

de7d5c6a2cb9d9af4726965b12a40f56

Though this boy thinks the presents are all his, And he’ll fight to the death to make sure no one else gets them.

31. “Now what would you like for Christmas, Ralphie?”

de92baba4281c01e22eb455cefee663f

“I’d like a train set, a Rough Rider BB gun, a chemistry set, a box of knives, and rat poison. Also, I want Cindy’s head on a platter.”

32. An Underwood typewriter always captures the spirit of giving.

imagesJNWQX050

But don’t mess with the Weird Sisters. Or else they’ll curse the living daylights out of you in your nightmares.

33. Karo gives a sturdy body for your Santa Claus.

sDORq-1481645037-embed-xmasads_karo2

To be fair, it is a syrup. Yet, since it’s mostly made out of sugar, its health effects might range from obesity to Type II diabetes.

34. Santa wants you to smoke Chesterfields for far and near and in good cheer.

slide_323408_3098899_free

Apparently, demonic Santa Claus wants you to smoke and die of lung cancer. Or else he’ll break into your house and kill your family.

35. Let Christmas last a lifetime with a Remington 22.

sunday-gunday-7-vintage-christmas-gun-ads-that-will-take-you-back

Great, get your boy a gun for Christmas. He’ll never forget it. Let’s hope he doesn’t accidentally shoot someone in the eye.

36. Nothing beats a long day at the slopes like a Budweiser.

ukoln4itrr8t6dcmbpln

“Hey, Christie, join us for a beer at the fire. And once we get drunk enough, we could have a three-way.”

37. Want to keep her young and pretty? Give her a Star vibrator.

vibratorlarge

I know it’s supposed to be a massager. But the word “vibrator” has come to mean “sex toy” in recent years.

38. A Parker Pen is a friend for life.

Vintage Christmas Advertisements from the 1940s (5)

Yet, why would you take a pen form a disembodied Santa hand? Besides, a pen is a gift you give someone for secret Santa or because you don’t know what to get them.

39. Make this merry trifle with Bird’s custard.

Vintage Christmas Advertisements from the 1940s (10)

Looks like a cream cheese snowman sinking in a bowl of cheese and cherries. Kind of disgusting.

40. Didn’t know trains could spring from Santa’s sack.

Vintage Christmas Advertisements from the 1940s (37)

Well, this is for New York Central. But it makes Santa seem like a big train enthusiast or a god who can fit massive trains in his bag.

41. For Christmas, polar bears choose Calvert.

vintage-christmas-advert-18

Didn’t know that polar bears liked boozing during the holidays. Hope they don’t run into anything with the sleigh.

42. Buy Kentucky Tavern Whiskey and you’ll get this snowman decoration.

x105

I hear it even talks to you and urges you to murder people. But only when you’re really wasted on this stuff.

43. Corby’s always makes a great gift for fathers and sons.

xmas-booze

Booze for Christmas? Still, let’s hope that alcoholism doesn’t run in this family. Though I wouldn’t be surprise if it does.

44. Take a break from Christmas shopping with a nice Coca Cola.

xmas-coke

From Flashbak: ” Supposedly, they stopped putting cocaine in Coca-Cola in 1903; however, this 1962 advert, proclaiming a special ‘zing’ down to your toes, makes me think it was a bit later.”

45. An RCA Victor is perfect for the whole family.

xmas-tv-heaven-702x1024

From Flashbak: “Everything’s so white….is this what Christmas looks like in Heaven?” Let’s hope not since I don’t want to imagine this family dying in a car crash before then.

46. Throw a great Christmas party with the Hallmark party books.

8a98108a2351cbd0057f8a3898cb9bc8

She’s like, “God, I hope this book doesn’t make me mess up. Since I don’t want this shindig to end up like last year.”

47. Pop brings you happiness from a bottle.

81fe2f5f49153552b1d5ddfa699141ee

Little girl’s like, “Drink all the happiness you can, Mom. Cause I’m going to kill you in your sleep and serve you for Christmas dinner.”

48. Santa thinks Interwoven socks make a great gift.

1945_12_08-1061-400x526

Santa also looks like he’s had a few too many. Maybe he should go home before his sleigh crashes into a house.

49. Planters Peanuts makes a great holiday party staple.

fb054261d021bf2945cb964a3fa3af02

The guy is looking at the woman eating nuts and thinking, “Man, she’s really making an ass out of herself.” While he’s carrying a tray of cocktails.

50. 7UP can always please the holiday crowd.

IiQkB-1481645102-embed-xmasads_7up

Something tells me these kids shouldn’t be drinking it. Since they’re in their pjs and their parents are hosting a party downstairs.

51. Wrapping presents doesn’t have to be a hassle on Christmas.

02

From Evolvor: “Nothing says getting ready for Christmas then wrapping presents for the kids. And by wrapping presents I mean, kicking back with some ice cold brews and making the ladies do it. I’m sure a few minutes after this snapshot someone’s ass got slapped. Good work girls.”

52. Double Bubble always makes the season right.

untitled

From Evolvor: “I’m not sure if the kids these days know what an excuse for “gum” Double Bubble is, but I’m damn sure kids were not getting TOO excited over getting a handful of this shit in their Christmas stocking. The stuff is barely passable on Halloween and is a total fail of a holiday candy. If little Johnny ends up with a lump of ‘Bubble it’s because he was either bad that year and we needed coal to heat the house or Santa (*ahem* Dad) got laid off and this is all he could afford.”

53. Drinking beer is always a tradition during the holidays.

D LK121454

From Evolvor: “There’s nothing wrong with this ad really, I just love the idea of my grandparents getting bent on the holidays. Again clearly the men get to dick-around, most likely talking shit about all the people who sent them Christmas cards. “Look at John’s stupid kids, what an asshat” the one guy is probably saying. Meanwhile the ladies are again doing what they do best.”

54. A Lincoln-Zephyr is the quality car for the holiday season.

06-lincoln

From Evolvor: “Many of you know how I strongly I feel about our obsession with cars (and how we use them to give us some sort of social status), and there’s nothing I hate more then seeing luxury auto ads during the holidays. Seriously who the hell gets a NEW CAR for Christmas? I dunno, maybe the day I strike it rich I’ll start buying people cars to make up for something really shitty I did to them in the past. Anywho, the not-so-wholesome past wasn’t any different, and here Santa is either dropping a brand new Lincoln off for some brat or is trading in the reindeer and sleigh for a V12.”

55. Schlitz gives you a light refreshment over the holidays.

vintage-christmas-ads-that-just-wouldnt-fly-nowadays-19-photos-15

Here she’s holding a small present. Wonder who it’s for and wonder what’s in it. Also, the guy seems to have a different “present” idea in mind. Cue the “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

56. Give Kentucky Club to all the men on your Christmas list.

D 53

After all, lung cancer is the gift that keeps on giving. Even during the holiday season, apparently.

57. “For me? You shouldn’t have.”

F1255

From Evolvor: “Another classic Christmas car ad. This one SCREAMS “sugar daddy”. Nothing says love during the holidays like keys to the car *ahem* I mean heart.”

58. Send Christmas wishes through airmail this holiday season.

vintage-christmas-ads-26

So Santa ditched his sleigh for a print plane. Hope the reindeer don’t go on strike when he returns to the North Pole.

59. For your holiday platter, banana quick bread makes a tasty treat.

Santa-Banana-620x881

Okay, that bread looks very disgusting. Yet, Santa munches on his banana nonetheless.

60. This Christmas, take a bottle from the J&B Scotch tree.

11534425034_d20cd3d3b6_b

The bottles even have candles. Best to stay away from it if you’re the designated driver.

61. This year, give your children a real Roy Rogers Christmas.

rr-christmas-ad-1957

And yes, this means Dad getting the saddle and giving horsey rides to the kids. I know it’s an undignified moment in fatherhood. But at least it’s cheaper than giving your kids a real pony.

62. Make this year a lucky Christmas.

Vintage Christmas Ads from 1940s - 1980s (26)

Well, you won’t be so lucky with Lucky Strike. Seriously, smoking will kill you. But he doesn’t care.

63. Make your Christmas party planning easy with this new Toastmaster hospitality set.

Vintage Christmas Advertisements from the 1940s (38)

Actually I don’t want to put any of these appetizers on toast. Seems like something you’d have on the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Special.

64. Decking the halls is always a family tradition.

vintage_xmas_ads_06

Of course, Dad had to put the garlands around the archways. Hope he watches his hand or he’ll be causing a bad accident. Especially if Sally’s running with the star. Hardly seems like having peace of mind. Still, I can’t help thinking they’re in the midst of an accident waiting to happen.

65. With Camel, it’s Merry Christmas with every smoke.

Vintage-Ads-Santa2

Man, Santa seems to appear in a lot of cigarette ads. Despite that smoking kills and gives people lung cancer.

66. Santa Claus always enjoys one on the rocks once in awhile.

manner_poster_21

This is from Japan, I think. Still, the guy is a clear mall Santa since the beard looks obviously fake.

67. Kid can’t help but talk about the new Plymouth.

plymouth

Don’t look now, but I think the older sister has a devious look in her eyes. Like she has murder on the mind. Also, the dog’s jumping on her.

68. The Targeter is a sure-fire gift for the whole family.

12168b95478561231a5e25c1bfeba295

Since nothing makes Christmas family fun like endless target practice. Hope Mom doesn’t shoot anyone’s eye out. Or kill anyone.

69. With Avon, you’ll always make the spirits bright.

1966-avon-719x1024

Here’s an assortment of cosmetics in fine containers sold by a multi-level marketing firm. And I believe she’s lighting a candle or burning incense. Either way, don’t want to have an open flame near a tree.

70. Chesterfields always make the perfect Christmas gift.

9ca5983b8aa1def2eaf09fecb7dd2c37

This woman’s like, “That way when my sugar daddy dies of lung cancer at 53, I’ll get the whole estate. Mwha ha ha ha ha!”

The Wonderful World of Vintage Ads (Fifth Edition)

cc2

As we all know, advertising is everywhere, especially around this time of year with Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. You see ads on the internet, the road, on TV, in movie theaters, and in magazines and newspapers. Of course, people need to make a living while companies need to sell their products. And consumers need to buy stuff to carry on with their lives. Nonetheless, while people back then didn’t have nearly as much saturation in their media, that’s mostly because certain outlets weren’t around at the time. Yet, a lot of them do contain things that wouldn’t bode well today or at least allow a modern audience to take them seriously. Some of them may offend. Some may creep you out. While some may seem kind of freaky. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of old timey vintage ads.

  1. Ladies, don’t grow old. Try Dorothy Gray.
1fa999bcbaf9d50bc1d459ef8563e086

I think a better idea would be to accept aging as a natural process. And if your husband sees a problem with that, it’s his problem.

2. This premiere vibrator gives both pounding and rotary strokes.

4cfae18803e7814d8010f42bc1b30ada

This is actually more of a massager specifically for women. Yet, the fact this is referred to as a vibrator just inspires a more dirty scenario with the words, “Maybe she’ll get to use it-when you’re not home.”

3. Lose weight with some Fat Off obesity cream.

4-MS-Bordens-FatOff-Obesity-Cream

You can even apply it on your body while you bathe. Seriously, I don’t think it does a thing.

4. Make your hospital light, bright, and cheery with Truscon Detention Windows.

5cheer

For God’s sake, that slogan is totally wrong. Hospitals are places of sickness, injury, and death. Unless it’s the maternity ward and even then you might find some degree of tragedy.

5. Why pay to see a shrink? Can’t he just get his act together?

5learn

This is an ad trying to combat the stigma on mental illness and encourage people to seek help. Yet, seeing that quote, I think it backfired horribly.

6. Doctors, don’t forget to check out these leucotomy instruments.

5lobot

Actually a leucotomy means the cutting of nerve fibers within the brain, as in a prefrontal lobotomy. Let’s just say, it’s an infamous surgical procedure that you don’t want to get. Seriously, there’s a reason why brain surgeons don’t do lobotomies anymore.

7. Would your kid know what to  do if you weren’t around?

6-53847-10-1381962844

Well, I’m sure this boy has it all under control. Yet, this girl doesn’t seem too confident with him bandaging her leg.

8. Ad Burns Martin, we fit fat guys.

6a00d83451ccbc69e201b7c795d177970b-400wi

Not sure if you’d want to advertise that. But I guess there’s a reason why we have big and tall stores.

9. With Clark’s Thinning Bath Salts, you can bathe the fat away.

6a00d83451ccbc69e201b8d1175bc3970c-400wi

No, I don’t think weight loss works that way. So this is another weight loss product that does shit.

10. Get your food chopped in no time with this new perfection chopper.

6a00d83451ccbc69e201bb08306ecb970d-400wi

Okay, this image kind of creeps me out. Seriously, the chef face on that thing seems like the stuff of nightmares. For God’s sake, why did anyone think this was a good idea?

11. Got a cold? Well, it’s your own fault because you didn’t use Listerine twice a day.

6a01157213c099970b0120a5ffec14970c-800wi

For God’s sake, you can’t prevent colds with mouthwash. Also, that doctor has a terrible bedside manner.

12. Remember, ladies, B.O. can really ruin your social life.

6c3d2ff362b5b415919e48d122952b75

Really? B.O. She has B.O. For God’s sake, just get a shower and put on some deodorant. Simple.

13. Don’t want a bald husband? Get him Wildroot Hair Tonic.

6db24542e45bdfcd0c4dc801afee9def

I don’t think your husband’s baldness is within anyone’s control. It’s genetic. Perhaps you just accept that he might go bald in the future.

14. Nothing says fun at the beach like a Lucky Strike cigarette.

6e4eb8ae6d100e15a44b9f6964e99d4d

In other news, enjoy the beach while it lasts. Because there’s a strong chance you’ll end up having respiratory problems and die of lung cancer.

15. Get healthy with electropathic belts.

6-Harness-Electropathic-Belts

And you thought Gwyneth Paltrow’s jade eggs were ridiculous. This is a wellness product that may electrocute your genitalia, especially if you’re a man.

16. Pratt’s Healing Ointment is great for man and beast.

7fc6f5e2b44e9cbfa504c85f6b6bf5eb

Okay, this isn’t right. Seriously, the old guy seems a bit too pleased beside the horse in bed.

17. Ladies, don’t forget to wear Madame Rowley’s Toilet Mask 3 times a week.

16a47dbf9ca800f2bfae5d7334e22f1b

I’m not sure how effective it is with retaining beauty. But I believe it definitely makes a great Halloween costume.

18. Vaseline is so pure you can eat it.

025fa26ea3cdf10cb5b47abb0c441a40

Not sure if I want to use that as a slogan for a product you’re not supposed to eat. Also, Vaseline is made from oil.

19. Improve your well-being with a Health Jolting Chair.

31a1ba23fab51d2dd68fbeb990bf9e5d

I’m sure it’s not like the ones used on death row inmates. But still, an electric chair to improve health? Are you fucking nuts?

20. Pet cigarettes are always the best.

051b502a881c8b3eee981c74c7084433

You mean they had cigarettes for pets? You got to be kidding me. Apparently, giving people lung cancer wasn’t enough for tobacco companies.

21. Prevent dandruff and baldness with Newbro’s Herpicide.

54

Reading this ad gets dandruff and baldness completely wrong. For one, dandruff doesn’t cause baldness since it’s a genetic condition. Second, dandruff is mostly dead skin flakes on the scalp, not germs.

22. Check out this phone booth of the future.

72f528cd9821ff8abefdf0a33908c949

Little did they foresee the invention of cellphones that would make phone booths obsolete. Seriously, we don’t use them anymore.

23. Keep your teenage boy’s sex drive in check with the sexual temperance spoon.

209c8e0391b45fa1c15630103cbe62df

No, I don’t think that’s going to tame unwelcome erections in teenage boys. You’re better off making them watch the news.

24. “This is a computer?”

1970-datacomp-has-a-computer-anyone-can-use-even-women

Still seems more like a large typewriter to me. On the bright side, it’s not as sexist as it’s portrayed as.

25. Keep your woman from straying with this genuine, lace-trimmed chastity belt.

36523c472576b6f5b118e55a2cf94e90

Okay, this is more or less meant as a sex toy for those with a kinky taste. But the “keep her under lock and key” part would inflame any feminist.

26. Watch Sabrina demonstrate her Belle and Howell Color-Slide Projector.

181827-05-bell-and-howell-projector_slide

I’m sure she’s in the ad for her technical know-how. Not for her torpedo shaped titties. Oh, wait, it’s totally because of her titties.

27. Union Carbide helps science build the new India.

952579787_3bbc2bf86d_o

Wasn’t Union Carbide responsible for a chemical disaster in Bhopal which is said to be the world’s worst industrial disaster back in the 1980s? Yeah, I don’t think they made a positive contribution in that country. More like as many as 16,000 deaths and environmental devastation.

28. Enhance your beauty with a pair of new eyelashes.

952583741_92b663e935_o

Actually those eyelashes look incredibly fake. While it makes these women appear quite ridiculous.

29. Pabst beer is always a blue ribbon drink.

953431504_dce5e0a94f_o

Yet, I have no idea why these people have blue ribbon limbs. That’s just plain freaky.

30. Correct facial flaws with this beauty micrometer.

953439566_c39fe65e51

So basically it’s putting a woman in a head cage with spikes on it. Seems more like a torture device.

31. “A girl size hand needs a girl-size pen.”

a96774_parker

Reminds me of Ellen DeGeneres joking about Bic’s pens for women and how sexist such concept is. Apparently, Bic wasn’t the first company to do so.

32. Keep your figure with Harness’ Electric Corsets.

ad5e0a6d25073a722758af8cb302955d

So not only you can crush your internal organs but also electrocute them, too. Seriously, why did this exist?

33. “Does Mohawk Airlines have the best dress girls in the world?”

a-real-mohawk-ad-from-1968-put-a-greater-emphasis-on-its-attractive-stewardesses

Who the hell cares how an airlines’ stewardesses are dressed? A better question is are they proficient at their job? Or whether they’re afraid of flying.

34. No girl should ever be pear shaped.

article-2295267-18c2186d000005dc-308_634x825

This is for shape underwear and bras. But yes, the body shaming is apparent.

35. Casket Cigarettes are the height of perfection.

b17c9e2eed3e46ccbf2d81096743b739

Ironically the name is rather appropriate. Because smoking these will eventually put you in a casket before your time.

36. This stove and oven set is a real wifesaver.

brown-1973-its-a-wifesaver

Okay, that’s really sexist. Would expect this from the 1950s. Not the 1970s.

37. Like women, the best cigarettes are thin and rich.

brown-and-williamson-1967-the-best-ones-are-thin-and-rich

Sure it’s incredibly sexist with the thin and rich message. Nonetheless, cigarettes aren’t like women. Since the best women won’t give you lifelong health problems and an early death.

38. Ferris Brothers has corsets for all mothers and daughters.

cd8df302435766a92d738ec302b878b0

Really? Corsets inflict enough internal organ damage on women. But making your little girl wear one, that’s just even worse.

39. F.E. Young Dilators will relieve your piles and constipation woes.

d8e1ed9865d69b88ff9145b1eba72d8c

Butt plugs? I don’t think people use them nowadays for constipation. And let’s call them what they are, butt plugs.

40. In the future, you can see whoever you talk on the phone.

7b5566bf59b9c665c125e9a15079f753

I think we already have something like this on your cell phone. I mean you can get Skype on there. Also, that hat is ridiculous.

41. Remember, fellows, smart men don’t mask morning mouth.

db01f1e8a93bee50f3b84147bd27af39--weird-vintage-ads-vintage-advertisements

Because a smart men wouldn’t wear a ridiculous space helmet to the office. So try Chlorodorant.

42. Relieve your worries with Barker’s Vibrator.

1da10a11064ee7f5af699fa44a5686e2--funny-vintage-vintage-stuff

It’s actually supposed to be a wellness product like a massager. Yet, reading it inspires certain images that may not be safe to describe to children.

43. Improve your water circulation with the classic head.

img220

Though “good head” can also be a sex term that I’m not very familiar with. Or at least what I think is a sex term.

44. “Take your party over the rainbow.”

img247

Yet, Dorothy seems to wear sunglasses due to suffering migraine headaches, apparently. Though why Toto’s wearing sunglasses, I have no idea.

45. Sued by your children? We can help.

nightmare

Reading this just makes me cringe. Since it portrays teenagers as being out of control kids who put their parents through hell.

46. Doctors, here is the drug pusher.

pusher

Apparently, the drug pusher is a scary dude who hangs out on a bench. Even wears a mullet. Avoid him.

47. You always know it’s clean with Pyrex.

pyrex

Yet, the boy seems like he’s embarrassed like he accidentally dropped his pants. While his mom just laughs her head off.

48. Mighty Tiny is the world’s smallest record player.

qwdqwdqwdqwd

Yet, this girl is so happy because she thinks these little records could be used as potential weapons. And she’s thinking about getting revenge on that neighbor who told her to get off his lawn.

49. Hold up your figure with Kotex belts-now in white.

a6eadeaaf013584c510b6feb6ecbf1b9--weird-vintage-vintage-ads

What the hell is that supposed to be? Some sort of girdle? Also, her dress looks really white. Like it can blind you.

50. Protect your buildings with the magic mineral asbestos.

Screen-Shot-2017-06-25-at-10.04.28-PM

Yes, protect your building with the magical mineral asbestos. While you inhale it and die from mesothelioma.

51. Ven Heusen shirts give men a bolder look.

sexist-van-heusen-shirts-49-swscan02092

Apparently, Van Heusen thinks they’re great for when beating your wife. Seriously, the top image makes it seem like the brand is endorsing spousal abuse.

52. Glow with your health with VI-Rex Violet Rays.

vi_rex_violet_rays1

So this is another electrotherapy device. Still, during the 1940s and 1950s, these devices were subject to numerous lawsuits and multiple actions by the US government like recalls, forfeitures, and orders to have them destroyed.

53. Take Prophylaxis for she might be a slut.

VintageAd2

Though I don’t think Prophylaxis is that effective for preventing STDs. Best idea would not to have sex on the first date.

54. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Hooter.

vintage-cocaine-ads-6

Actually though it resembles a vacuum, it’s seems more like a cocaine dispenser. Still, the name’s pretty funny.

55. Hope you’d enjoy this snow shoveler.

vintage-cocaine-ads-7

Okay, that’s not used for shoveling snow on your driveway. That’s for shoveling cocaine.

56. Sno-blow always adds life.

vintage-cocaine-ads-10

Yes, more cocaine stuff. This is supposed to be a nose doucher you put in cocaine and up your nose. Yes, it’s disgusting.

57. Want to play this magic flute?

vintage-cocaine-ads-11

This is another cocaine object. Though it seems more or less like a whistle than anything. You can even have it on your keys.

58. Everything is always at its best in cellophane.

49b8584fef4e57ff67c1f01bcfe7baf8

But putting your son in plastic wrap is not a good idea. Seriously, he could suffocate. Also, he doesn’t seem too happy about it either.

59. The love rug is always great when the time is right.

2802972763_d6d497c146

Available in jaguar, lynx, and mink. Yet, you’re unlikely to have sex on it with a guy who looks like David Hasselhoff.

60. Now you can get a poster of your own likeness.

4599740179_0e9923e1bb_o

And you thought taking a selfie is an expression of egotism. I think people who do this are incredibly self-absorbed like Donald Trump.

61. Rock in the newest hairstyle with the stretch wig.

c0a9d9494fc3583739754a2cd41a8e7e

Okay, that looks so stupid and fake. Seriously, I could tell it’s obviously a wig. Also, is that guy naked?

62. With Cannon Towels, your bathroom is a room with a view to tomorrow.

Cannon-1944-Life-08-14-Aug-1944

Yet, I wonder why the hell is a woman with a bare ass and back doing here. Oh, I get how sex sells. And she’s in the bathroom. Fair enough.

63. With this universal food chopper, you can cut anything.

l-4o735gpjztehw1

Hell, you can even chop animals to smithereens. Though what’s more disturbing than the pigs in a grinder is that some of the fruits and veggies apparently have legs.

64. “Have you ever had a bad time in Levi’s?”

Levis-for-Gals-1971_640

This is a 1971 ad for Levi’s for Gals. And here they show an angry woman in striped pants and a bad spray tan.

65. “He asked Mother for a dowry!”

pie-day-07-01-1945-017-M5

So I guess wear ever aluminum utensils was the result seeing the ad. Still, the dowry thing is so Middle Ages and might be an indication that he’s a gold digger.

66. With Varig Air, you’ll find out what he actually does in Rio.

Screen shot 2012-08-17 at 1.55.41 PM

Basically when the headline is “I found out what he does on those ‘business’ trips to Rio,” it’s not usually a good thing. Of course, the description doesn’t have the guy doing anything shady. Yet, you kind of expect he may have something on the side.

67.  “If you guys don’t buy these new Drummond sweaters, we’ll go back to male models.”

vintage-women-ads-14

The company’s basically admitting they have a naked women in their ad because they think sex sells. Still, those sweaters are ugly and not worth the gimmick. So guys, please don’t buy these.

68. “Are your panties up to date?”

vintage-womens-underwear-ad-c.-1940

Why should I care if my panties are up to date? Nobody’s going to see them anyway. Seriously, why?

69. Get a Volkswagen because you know your wife will drive your car someday.

vw-1964-women-are-soft-and-gentle-but-they-hit-things-she-can-jab-the-hood-graze-the-door-or-bump-the-bumper-

Okay, that’s really sexist since it implies that women are bad drivers. So it’s best you get a cheap economy car like a Volkswagen, according to their logic.

70. Got a Housewife Headache? Take some Anacin.

whitehall-labs-1969-housewife-headache

Or if you’re suffering from boredom and emotional fatigue, perhaps you might want to find something to do. Or watch Netflix. Or read a book.

 

The Roadside World of Billboards

3D illustration of blank white billboard against blue sky.

Let’s face it, advertising is everywhere. Wherever you go and whatever you do, you’re still bound to see some kind of ad promoting some kind of product or service. After all, a business has to sell somehow and some way. Even in a rural area, whenever you’re traveling, chances are you’ll see all kinds of billboard signs advertising local businesses and services nearby. Some may even have public service announcements or political messages. Some may just promote products like fast food or beer. But whenever you travel, you’ll still see them. Nevertheless, you’ll come across some billboards with unique designs and funny slogans. And that’s where I come in. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasury of billboards that won’t make you bored to tears. Some of these may not be safe for work by the way.

  1. Come to Pedro’s south of the border.
0e80ffa1a2c88a4c2c87de257372534e

Not sure if using “sausage” is a good idea. Oh, I get it, it’s supposed to be “saw such.” My mistake.

2. Best to drive carefully through Branxton.

3b3640f681064018202f1bcd6302043f

Since it has 2 cemeteries and no hospital. So if you get injured, you’re out of luck.

3. Of course, some people just have to bring their personal lives out for everyone to see.

5d1329868dbe5cd9311a6cb824e40237

Look, I know you’re hurting, Emily. But please, I think airing your anger on a billboard makes you seem like a crazy bitch.

4. Stop in at Big Dick’s Halfway Inn.

9f957bd00eb90de2c0f9a4d4415ae43d

Okay, this sounds kind of dirty for a rest stop. I’m sure “Original Minnow Shot” will have its own Urban Dictionary entry real soon.

5. With Esurance, you can cover your home in a click.

10

Sure you might not see anything wrong with this message. But look at it from far away, and it says, “cover your home in a dick.”

6. This billboard was brought to you by Financial Arts, Inc.

27-of-the-funniest-billboard-fails-ever-01-1

However, if you’re looking for anything silent but deadly, I don’t think their website will offer it. Though I don’t know what financial arts are anyway.

7. Pollo Tropical always offers island flavor.

27-of-the-funniest-billboard-fails-ever-03

But they aren’t great choosing a font. Since the “island” part also reads bland, which won’t attract potential customers.

8. Your Local 5 is here when you need to know.

27-of-the-funniest-billboard-fails-ever-06

Though the headline doesn’t help matters. Seriously, people might get the wrong idea.

9. Since you only live once, try to be happy.

27-of-the-funniest-billboard-fails-ever-07

Brought to you by Wilks Funeral Home. Hey, at least they know how to cash in on a trend.

10. Spend your time at this golf range.

27-of-the-funniest-billboard-fails-ever-08

This place boasts about great balls and grass. I know people might get the wrong idea.

11. If you need any help, call these guys.

27-of-the-funniest-billboard-fails-ever-09

But what do these people do? Who are these people are? Seriously, I really don’t know.

12. Want to fly? Text while you drive.

27-of-the-funniest-billboard-fails-ever-12

But I don’t think that kind of flying involves a plane. More likely involves a car crash.

13. Live the extreme with the Air Force Reserve.

27-of-the-funniest-billboard-fails-ever-13

Since when did the Air Force do wind surfing? Not that I want to join since I don’t. But I need to know this.

14. Scandinavian Designs has their biggest sale ever.

27-of-the-funniest-billboard-fails-ever-17

That woman doesn’t seem excited for some reason. In fact, she reminds me of a scream queen from a horror movie who’s freaked out about getting killed.

15. At Construct 2, we make computer games.

27-of-the-funniest-billboard-fails-ever-19

Yet, this one seems to depict rather childish drawings. Perhaps they should’ve gone with state of the art graphics instead.

16. You can expect great care at Cancer Care Center.

27-of-the-funniest-billboard-fails-ever-20

Don’t think that’s good for their ad campaign. Seriously, that pun goes nowhere.

17. Hope you can get a nice pair of these undies.

27-of-the-funniest-billboard-fails-ever-22

Too bad this billboard ad was made by someone who couldn’t type. Seriously, the capitalization is nuts.

18. Lowe’s always takes care of unfinished projects.

32

Well, at least Lowe’s knows how to advertise. Since that billboard looks unfinished to me.

19. She caught her cheating husband with state of the art equipment.

32f457a71102c7cd9ca570b88b7b6295--cheating-husbands-revenge-on-cheating-exes

I think ads like these belong on Craigslist. Not on billboards for all to see.

20. Cops hide here. So get a Mini Cooper.

88f246a7b5abb4b93b3932b5f3259e7b

Sure the Mini Cooper is small. But an ad implying that cops hide behind the bushes is disturbing.

21. Want to see your teeth as we do? Go to Aspen Dental.

670p4u99c22z_RS

I know she’s smiling. But it’s a frown upside down. That don’t look right.

22. Want to see the largest continent? Fly on Air Asia.

760656abb861e67cfd5c752bdd0eebaa

Well, that’s a clever way to use puns. Hope it goes over the kids.

23. Got hemorrhoids? Tampa Proctology is at your service.

4749216990a8d9edf578cd6f9176b728

Come in through the rear entrance. And please, no butt dials.

24. Want to enjoy Minnesota? Move to Wisconsin.

a301_b2

Someone doesn’t seem to appreciate Minnesota very much. But this is from a Wisconsin real estate agency.

25. When burying your dead loved one, think outside the box.

a301_b6

This is for a cemetery. But when they say to think outside the box, they usually don’t mean a coffin.

26. Don’t read enough? Try these audiobooks.

a301_b9

I know some Americans may be offended by this. But this company is from Canada. Still, I’d replace the George W. Bush image with Donald Trump.

27. Your breasts won’t bounce with this bra.

a301_b12

I don’t get the slogan. “Only the ball should bounce,” what the hell does that mean?

28. Seems like this billboard might’ve caused a car crash.

accident

Apparently, sex sells. Since this is for a mechanic’s garage. Guess they know how to drum up good business.

29. Is your wife hot? Get your air conditioning fixed.

ac-fixed

Well, that’s sure to get people’s attention. Though I’m not sure if it’s appropriate.

30. Got arrested? Call Jaeger & Blanker.

arrested

Got to like their number 1-855-WTF-POPO. Though they seem to specialize in drugs and DUIs.

31. Seems like this lobster had to see a therapist.

australia-lobster-funny-billboard

This is for an Australian lobster joint. Not sure why it featured cartoon lobsters in therapy.

32. The Dark Knight is open for litigation.

batman-law-firm

Okay, his name just happens to be Batman. Wonder if he gets any flack from that. Couldn’t hurt his business.

33. Life Church TV is known to vanquish Satan.

billboard-211212

Not always a fan of religious billboards. But I think this one is quite clever if you ask me.

34. Texas Direct Auto loves your headlights.

Billboard-Humor-Bad

This is for a car buying service. And I don’t think the cars they buy aren’t anywhere nice.

35. Invest in your future, study engineering before sex.

board-11

Funny how this ad implies you can’t have sex and study engineering. But still, use protection.

36. Asian Buffet: Poor English but great food.

board-15

Though Asians will certainly find this sign quite offensive. This especially with the addition of “Oriental.”

37. Buy a diamond ring for her and get a free gun.

buy-her-a-diamond-get-a-free-hunting-rifle

Well, that’s one way to drum up business. Yet, should a jeweler really do this?

38. Alcohol: Cheaper than therapy.

cheaper-than-therapy

This is for a discount liquor store. Though between alcohol and therapy, I’d stick with therapy.

39. If you can bank anywhere, go with 1st Bank.

CrB4I4eW8AAqB2U

Yet, why it has a surgeon operating, I don’t have the slightest idea. Seriously, banking shouldn’t be on your mind while cutting someone open.

40. Keep your butt covered.

cover-butt

This one recommends that people get colonoscopies. Yet, why show someone’s butt cheeks, I don’t have a clue.

41. Fat and ugly? Join Fit 4 Less.

dpaf6

Well, that’s a rather demeaning message. From a billboard in Great Britain, by the way.

42. Get your crabs at Dirty Dick’s Crab House.

e1f3b62e77f30ae60fa2371b520bcac1

It’s a crab restaurant at Myrtle Beach. Yet, I see the dirty wordplay which would make many want to avoid it.

43. Spend time with your kids at the dinner table. Put family first.

family-first

I know it’s supposed to encourage family togetherness. Yet, it seems to imply cannibalism.

44. Come to Buc-ee’s for food and gas.

Funny-Billboard-4

I know it’s just a run of the mill rest stop. Yet, kind of implies that the food you eat will give you gas.

45. Seems like we’ve come across a personal ad.

Funny-Billboard-Picture-1-570x641

Well, if you can afford a billboard, you can afford a spouse. Still, not sure about displaying one’s phone number though.

46. Texting while driving kills. But if you want to know more just text.

Funny-Billboard-Picture-3-570x641

Guess this is proof that irony knows no bounds. But seriously, texting while driving kills.

47. Got a DUI? Call 1-800-NOT-DRUNK.

Funny-Billboard-Picture-9-570x641

The fact so many people get DUIs can make this guy have a firm like this. Kind of a sad statement of our society.

48. So, what’s our slogan?

Funny-Billboard-Picture-21-570x641

Guess whoever made this billboard was totally high at the time. Wonder if it’s from Colorado.

49. Want to know information concerning your health and safety? See other side.

Funny-Billboard-Picture-24-570x641

And they seem to make it so urgent. But they wasted a whole space for the typography.

50. Save the whales. Go vegetarian and lose weight.

Funny-Billboards-17

This is from PETA, by the way. And yes, they have to get their message out their through fat shaming. Is there anything they wouldn’t do?

51. In advertising, it’s best to use only what you need.

Funny-Cool-WTF-Creative-Road-Signs-Billboards-Advertisement-Ever-11

This one only uses a small orange square to get to the point. The rest is just bare.

52. Whether Pokémon or STDs, gotta catch ’em all.

funny-sign-pokemon-catchem-all-std-check

Not sure if Pokémon font is appropriate for this kind of matter. Seriously, why?

53. Committed a crime? Call Larry L. Archie.

guilty-56a3b0945f9b58b7d0d32f97

Famous clients include O.J. Simpson, Casey Anthony, George Zimmerman, and more. Okay, I’m just kidding. But that slogan’s just waiting to be mocked.

54. Serenity Creek Med Spa will get you from Sasquatch to smooth.

hair-removal

So Bigfoot was basically a gorgeous blond woman inside the whole time. Didn’t see that coming.

55. Introducing Scooter, the neutered cat.

hilarious-billboard-signs-17

Wonder what this is for. Bet it’s for a shelter or vet office.

56. Unfortunately, nothing can end hunger in Ohio.

h-photo-u15

I think this is website. Still, kind of sends a rather dark message.

57. Greetings, from Quartzite, Arizona!

h-photo-u16

Even includes, legends of camels. And it’s always the weekend there, except for people who live there. Since they have to work. Seems like someone’s desperate for tourists.

58. Don’t want to be caught dead in that dress? Tell the funeral home now.

h-photo-u17

This is for a funeral home. Not sure if I agree with the slogan but it seems to work.

59. Illiterate? Write for free help.

illiterate-write-for-help

So if you’re illiterate, how can you write for free help. Because I don’t get it at all.

60. Prevent HIV and get tested with this crew.

j-photo-u16

But I don’t know if this is the kind of way to get the message out. But whatever works for the kids.

61. Truth Ministry: where you can pray the Asian away.

j-photo-u17

Boy, that’s racist. Guaranteed to work as well as gay conversion therapy like not at all with abusive side effects.

62. Don’t forget to turn your neighbors in.

j-photo-u18

Not sure what this is for. But it’s kind of disturbing if you ask me.

63. Your local sheriff wishes you a happy Valentine’s Day.

j-photo-u110

Well, that’s kind of awkward. Mostly because sheriffs don’t take billboards for Valentine’s Day.

64. Got man boobs? Call this number.

j-photo-u111

This is from Minnesota, by the way. Not sure if I’d want to see that on the road though.

65. With the Daily Mail, both Kims are on the same page.

kim-billboard

Have to admit, at least the Daily Mail has a better ad campaign than the Post Gazette. Though I wouldn’t want to be associated with either Kim.

66. With Lean Plum, engage the shit out of your mobile users.

Leanplum_billboard

Even uses the famous poop emoji. Though it’s only fair.

67. You’ll have liquor all over at Lee’s discount liquors.

liquor-all-over

Says they have 17 Las Vegas locations. So even if it does well, it has a lot of competition.

68. Injured? Go to MyBaldLawyer.com.

ltrn3qrphgt01

Well, at least he embraces his baldness. But not sure if him telling onlookers not to pull their hair out is a good idea.

69. Got a crack in your basement floor? Call the Crack Team.

mr-happy-crack

Even presents a guy named Mr. Happy Crack. Saying, “A dry crack is a happy crack!” That just cracks me up.

70. McDonald’s is always open at 6 am.

my-ass

Says “MY ASS.” Not sure what it means. But it’s hilarious.

71. Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets as well as your loved ones.

neuter-pets-friends-relatives

Not sure if you should neuter your weird friends and relatives. Don’t know what to think about that.

72. Inspire the youth, control the future.

n-HIETLER-large570

However, using a quote by Adolf Hitler on your billboard won’t give you any favors. Seriously, the guy killed about 6-9 million Jews and started World War II.

73. Don’t be a pickle and stop vegetable abuse.

oLsVV

This is for a sex shop. Yet, I really feel bad for that pickle.

74. According to Restored Church, God likes sex.

o-RESTORED-CHURCH-570

Though I guess the sex God loves is between a straight married couple. I’m just guessing in regards to this church.

75. Sask always tells you to pork the one you love.

pork-love

This is for pork. But pork is also another euphemism for fuck, which they use on Honest Trailers.

76. You can reach this website as soon as you solve the problem.

prime-number

Unless you’re math genius, you’ll never be able to guess. And I wouldn’t recommend you using a calculator while driving.

77. Before you put up a billboard, always run it through spellcheck.

pubic-schools

I don’t think “pubic schools” is the right word for it. Apparently, their public schools don’t seem great at spelling.

78. Marital problems? Get a bigger house.

realtor-logic

Well, that’s how realtors look at it. Still, I think a bigger house won’t solve anyone’s relationship problems.

79. Store your things in Bitterroot Self-Storage.

self-storage

On Cemetery Lane, apparently. Gives a whole new meaning of “self-storage,” doesn’t it?

80. Want to wreck? Just keep looking at the boobies.

staring

That will certainly do the trick. Since guys are said to be attracted by big boobs.

81. Injured? Call Brown & Brown.

success

Don’t mind the man in the eyepatch. Though I’m not sure if it helps their brand of success.

82. Save the date for the Testicle Festival.

testicle-festival

You’ll have to be nuts to miss it. Make no balls about it.

83. Need help? Consider hiring a lady lawyer.

untitled

So she’s playing the woman card, isn’t she? Seriously, I’m a woman and I don’t think my gender makes me good at arguing.

84. With Virgin America, flying to Chicago no longer blows.

untitled3

Well, “blows” can also mean sucks. So they didn’t think this pun through.

85. You can even use a billboard to promote yourself.

untitled4

After all, he spent a whole lot of money to get noticed. So somebody should hire him.

86. Annoyed by higher taxes in Illinois? Move to Indiana.

untitled5

Keep in mind that Indiana has loose gun control laws that contribute to Chicago’s high murder rate. Look it up in regards to gun trafficking.

87. Need a summer job? Try being a kept woman.

untitled6

Okay, that’s just downright sick. And they’re targeting this sign for students? Makes me want to barf.

88. Get your sit together and buckle up.

untitled7

Yet, the buckle is covered in the middle. Makes you imagine a different term entirely.

89. At Lou Redman’s Barstool’s and Dining, check out their stool samples.

untitled8

Well, they sell stools and chairs, what do you expect? And no, they’re not talking about that kind of stool.

90. Just pop the question with a ring from Robbins Diamonds.

untitled9

And here she’s flipping the bird to drivers. So stop by before she dumps you’re sorry ass.

91. Why is Justin Bieber so sad? Is it because so many teens are unemployed?

untitled10

No, because teen employment isn’t as big of deal. Besides, Justin Bieber doesn’t care about anything but himself.

92. Still a virgin? We can help.

virgin

Is this an escort service or a brothel? Not sure if I want to know.

93. Keep country roads safe. Don’t drive like a wanker.

wanker

Wanker is a British expression for jackass. Yet, you see what they mean.

94. Outhouse Springs provides you with America’s first recycled water.

SAMSUNG DIGIMAX 360

Okay, I don’t want to drink that. Who knows what that water has been through.

95. Get a free HIV test for Mom.

weird-billboards-9

Look, I know it’s supposed to project tenderness between a mother and son. But since I know how HIV is transmitted, this scene gives me Manchurian Candidate vibes.

96. Camerman  wishes dog guy happy holidays.

weird-billboards-11

Now that’s kind of weird. Wonder if it’s inspired by some acid trip. Oh, it’s for Adult Swim.

97. Hey, you can win a free booby prize if you follow the link.

weird-billboards-13

Wonder if the booby prize involves boobs. Or if that’s just used to entice viewers.

98. All he wants for Christmas is a Latina girlfriend.

weird-billboards-15

Let’s hope he’s not a Trump supporter. If so, he’ll have is work cut out for him.

99. Gary wants to know if you’re asking for it?

weird-billboards-21

No, I am not. And I don’t want to ask him either. Also, that mullet is ugly.

100. Hold it in, you’ll make it. Just drive through the exit.

youll-make-it

I know we all feel that way at one time or another. Best we get some encouragement now and then.

I Want You to View These Vintage Wartime Propaganda Posters (Third Edition)

6870572757_72134d2040_b

Every year around the 4th of July (at least for the last two years), I’ve done a post of these old timey war propaganda posters which have become pop culture icons and occasionally internet memes. However, in late June I had to attend a wedding in Minnesota while a bunch of crazy stuff went on in the Trump administration, which I had to catch up on when I came back. So I’m running a little late with this. Anyway, unlike some of the propaganda outlets of today like Brietbart or Fox News, these war time posters weren’t really meant to deceive. If anything, they were more like Public Service Announcements stating that, “we’re all in this together,” especially the ones pertaining to WWII when the threat to survival was very real. At any rate, the artwork is always interesting to look at which is why they’re still in our public consciousness long after the wars they originated in have been long over. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of good old-fashioned wartime propaganda posters.

  1. He does his bit for 4 years so you buy bonds.

Since he’s Scottish, he wears a kilt in his uniform. Yes, I know it’s part of his heritage. But it’s not a great clothing choice to wear in the trenches.

2. “Hit Hard and often with the Marines!”

Apparently, this means bombing the shit out of some Japanese city. To be fair, we were at war with them at the time. But I kind of hate seeing beautiful architecture reduced to ruin though.

3. To prevent loose heads, inspect daily.

Because you don’t want a hammer to lose its head and land on your foot. Since it hurts like hell.

4. Work in construction? Join the Seabees.

These are US naval construction battalions. Yet, they seem to have among the least badass names ever.

5. Fight for Canada and stab bayonets into fire breathing vultures.

Well, I guess the black bird symbolizes Germany. Yet, while the Canadian soldier will beat the crap out of them, he’ll be polite about it.

6. “Every Time You Twist a Nut, Think of Hitler.”

I know they mean this in a mechanical sense. But you can also make an inside joke out of it, too.

7. If you’re Filipino, thank Japan for invading you.

Yes, the Philippines was a US territory at the time. And Japan is pointing out the US is playing they’re liberators from the Imperial oppressors angle. However, history shows us that this psychological tactic didn’t work.

8. Got tin cans, send them to the war effort.

Don’t forget to take off the labels and flatten them. Because you don’t want the salvage collector to reject them.

9. Serve those who served, become a VA nurse.

So you can treat soldiers who might be missing limbs and are suffering from PTSD. Yet, please don’t ask them about them watching their friends die.

10. The Army Corps of Engineers always clears the way.

So join up and you, too, could be a giant GI that would make Captain America look like a sissy. You’ll also get giant equipment, too.

11. “You’ll buy ’em, we’ll fly ’em!”

For this dead-eyed pilot needs all the ammo he needs to shoot at Messerschmitt’s. Buy bond stamps, please.

12. Join the Signal Corps where skill and courage count.

Because there needs to be some kind of communication among the burning rubble of Western Europe. Though I’m not sure what kind of horn can be heard above machine gun fire.

13. Can’t fight? Send money!

This is for the Canadian Patriotic Fund. And yes, Canada actually fought in both world wars.

14. Blot out the Hun with Liberty Bonds.

As far as propaganda posters are concerned, this was the easiest to design. Just a red hand print and typeface and voila.

15. Don’t pick up sultry ladies, soldiers, since they’re loaded with disease.

Indeed, even warnings on VD won’t stop soldiers from picking up prostitutes. Because many of them might be dead in the next fight anyway.

16. Hold up your end and send bonds!

Yet, not sure if this would help the nurse holding one end of a stretcher. Also, it’s for a bond fundraiser.

17. Are you Irish and Canadian? Join up and fight for Mom!

I’m sorry, but Whistler was neither Irish or Canadian. But that didn’t stop Canadians from using his painting as a recruitment poster.

18. “Grind These Heels in Our Wheels of US Production!”

Nowadays we just use robots to make the stuff. Unless they require some technical skill and engineering.

19. Join the military police of the troops and for the troops.

If being a soldier isn’t tough enough for you, then become a military cop to make sure your fellow men aren’t killing each other on their off-hours. May or may not be able to stop officers from committing war crimes.

20. Join a Volunteer Agricultural Camp to lend a hand on the land.

However, you’re unlikely to find any hunky man on the farm who’s neither terribly disabled or suffering from PTSD. Because those guys are overseas.

21. You came to this country, now help us preserve it. Save your wheat and food.

To be fair, there ware a lot of immigrants during WWI. So the image is warranted if you think otherwise.

22. Be an American Eagle and join the Army Air Service.

Disclaimer: New pilots will only receive limited training before combat. Also, average time in the air is 20 minutes.

23. Know a trade? Build for your Navy.

Yes, this is another Seabees poster. But this one is for the yards and docks where combat opportunities are limited.

24. Support the troops, send more fish.

Because fighting the German menace is more important than thinking about overfishing. Since fish is a fighting food.

25. “Dad, I’m off to war so you buy bonds!”

Since Johnny will have to leave his elderly father sooner or later. He’ll be drafted if he doesn’t volunteer.

26. Remember to practice safe SECS.

Meaning if you’re a soldier fighting, don’t give away certain info related to your job. Because the enemy can intercept it.

27. “Do it right, make it bite!”

So make bombs the right way to shoot down the enemy planes. Kind of a disturbing message to send.

28. Keep New Orleans safe, don’t talk about ship sailings.

Because a slip of the lip can sink a ship. For you don’t know who in New Orleans can be working for the Nazis.

29. Join WAVES and work on parachute strings.

Because someone has to make the parachutes strings straight on those Navy planes. So they’ll make a woman do it.

30. Pour that molten metal on to make the planes.

For the planes can’t make themselves. Also, don’t forget to put on your safety equipment. Though shirts are optional for some reason.

31. Keep America calm and stop needless noise.

Well, that’s something I can still get behind. Yet, this poster is telling Americans not to panic when everything goes to shit.

32. See that dead soldier? Well, he’s gone because of careless talk.

So keep your mouth shut and the next group of soldiers would be parachuting down alive. Understand?

33. Support your country, save waste paper.

Not sure what they’d use the waste paper for. But they also give instruction for packing certain types.

34. When America’s under threat, Lady Liberty draws her sword.

When Lady Liberty draws her sword, it’s really going to go down. Just look what the US did during the world wars.

35. Support the war effort and keep that lumber coming.

Since soldiers need to use all the wood they can get. Though the ones in the Pacific might be surrounded by jungle.

36. When you show up for work, you’re punching Hitler’s face.

So keep punching in every day. However, be careful with the munitions equipment that could send you to the hospital.

37. To win the war, more women must go to work.

But once the war’s over, women must leave their jobs for the men and settle down to be happy housewives. Kind of sucks if you think about it.

38. Soldiers, beware of the Juke Joint Sniper.

She’s also known as a prostitute or whore. And yes, she’s loaded with STDs.

39. Uncle Sam’s not done fighting yet.

So, Japan is next. And that would mean the US will drop a couple nukes on it until the country surrenders.

40. Support your country, build bombs and buy bonds.

Let’s hope she doesn’t cause an accident. Though her face does evoke some sadistic glee akin to a serial killer.

41. Make sure you can load and unload those docks fast.

Got to get those goods for the troops quick. Else, we’ll end up with Fascism.

42. When Columbia calls, men must enlist.

Funny, we don’t even use Columbia as Liberty anymore. Yet, she wields a flag and sword.

43. Save your country, donate your binoculars to the US Navy.

Since us looking for enemy U-boats is more important than spying on the neighbors and birdwatching. So send your binoculars, please.

44. Don’t forget to prepare for air raid protection.

Since you’ll never know whether the Germans will bomb the shit out of your hometown. Just ask the Brits.

45. Remember, that pickups might be full of STDs.

And these were meant for your grandparents’ generation. So I guess many didn’t keep it in their pants for their sweethearts back home.

46. Help us win the war so save your food.

Because all your food waste can be used to feed some hungry soldiers. And we need them well-fed to win.

47. Join the sub service to hit the Japanese where it hurts.

So join up living with a bunch of other guys like you in a cramped space to bring down Japanese aircraft carriers. Still, not exactly a nice place to be at.

48. Free speech doesn’t mean careless talk.

So use your freedom of speech wisely. Also, don’t talk around parrots.

49. Help win the war, invent for victory.

So if you have a more efficient idea about killing more people at a faster rate, give the US military a call. Hell, do it now.

50. We’ve just begun the fight, so join up.

Though this guy seems kind of frightened to me. Like he’s pleading for help than leading a charge.

51. Protect yourself since STDs are everywhere.

So remember, stay away from prostitutes. Or other scarlet women for that matter.

52. Support the war effort and build more B-24s.

It’s a bomber plane by the way. Still, if you’re assigned to one of these during WWII, best you write your last will and testament. Since they have a 50% survival rate.

53. Support the war effort by finding a job that fits you best.

Offer only valid until war ends. After that, women must give up their jobs for the menfolk. Because they belong in the kitchen according to their antiquated ideas.

54. Women, help our boys win the war and buy bonds.

Or else, this sweet old lady might feed you a poisoned pie. So send money.

55. Don’t boast till it’s over. Enemies also have their production machine going, too.

So best you don’t say anything until it’s all over. Whenever that is.

56. All you British ladies, come into the factories.

Just don’t blow yourself up and know you’ll only have that job until your man comes home. So keep calm and carry on.

57. Men of Britain, best you join up and stop air raids. Else, you’ll have your house bombed.

Of course, if you’re a guy during WWII, you’ll already fail miserably. Because we all know the Germans bombed the shit out of the UK. Though this one depicts a large airship for some reason.

58. In wartime, give all the help and comfort you can.

This is from the Jewish Welfare Board during WWI. But it would’ve worked just as well in WWII for obvious reasons.

59. Support your country and dig on for victory.

Since food rations for civilians can only go so far. So get on with your vegetable garden.

60. This summer of 1917, don’t forget to enlist since your country needs you.

If not, then expect Uncle Sam to look upon you in dismay. Also, you might get arrested for trying to buck the draft.

61. Your country needs you, join the Navy.

And yes, they use the woman in a naval uniform again. Despite that she won’t wear it in real life.

62. Are you a girl with a star-spangled heart? Be a WAC.

Look, ladies, you can join the Army, too. Of course, you won’t be assigned to combat duty. Because that’s men’s stuff.

63. Remember, sailors, don’t tell your date about naval operations.

After all, she could be German for all you know. Careless talk costs lives.

64. Are you a woman not doing vital work? Your country needs you now.

Because while the men are away, women need to step up. This is especially if they don’t have husbands or kids.

65. Are you playing square, soldier? Save gas.

Since the world only has a limited supply of oil. Best you save on your tank for the troops.

66. Only you can prevent forest fires and Fascism.

Kind of expecting Smokey the Bear to turn up at any moment. But he won’t be around till the 1950s.

67. Join the Marines to fight first in France for freedom.

Keep in mind you’ll be spending hours in some filthy trenches. Hope you don’t mind rats.

68. They have the guts, donate scrap metal.

Cause those tanks need all the scrap they could get. Not to mention, bullets are made of metal, too.

69. We can’t win the war without women.

Yes, you can’t win a war without women. But they still treated them like crap once it’s over.

70. Don’t crow or we lose the war.

And yes, there’s a giant rooster with the Axis Powers. So best keep your mouth shut and avoid careless talk.

71. Answer the call and join Pershing’s Crusaders.

But unlike their medieval counterparts, they don’t fight for their souls. And they spend more time in the trenches.

72. Support the men in the trenches. Enlist now.

Yeah, I know it’s a miserable experience with filth, disease, gunfire, and No Man’s Land. But your country needs you at the front. Still, the guy’s kind of creepy.

73. As Americans, we’ve always fought for liberty.

And it’s made no difference whether they’re Brits or Nazis. Yet, the uniforms and equipment have drastically changed.

74. Victory is always a question of stamina.

So send the troops your meats, fats, sugars, and anything laden with carbs. Since they need energy in the trenches.

75. When the empire is threatened, the lions must rise to the occasion.

Despite that it’s the lionesses who always do everything. Men, what can you do with them?

76. Women should always respond to the call of service for their country.

Yes, women, respond to the call of service. Your God-given right to vote can wait later. Since this is WWI poster.

77. Fight for your country, Australians, or the Germans will win.

Here they have Australia as New Germany. That should scare them into enlistment.

78. In America, free labor will always win.

Because American made weapons are top of their grade. Yet, we also have large multinational corporations willing to play both sides.

79. America beat the Germans before and we’ll beat them again.

However, this time they’re fighting for Der Fuhrer instead of the Kaiser. So it’s a bigger deal.

80. You never know who’s listening on the party line.

For it just as well could be Hitler for all you know. So no careless talk on the phone.

81. Support your country and join the Red Cross.

Sure they may be a great organization. But don’t mind its dubious reputation relating to corruption.

82. As FDR said, we must preserve hope. So buy bonds.

Not sure if this FDR image freaks me out. But he kind of reminds me of a mad scientist who’s about to experiment on some hapless trespasser in his castle.

83. This American soldier will go over the top for you.

And you see the soldier carrying the American flag. But in WWI, they’ll seldom go over the top. Since No Man’s Land is a real hell hole.

84. This woman’s husband is proud she did her part.

Well, at least he tries to be supportive. Though the expression reminds me of a man who’s struggling to feel secure with his masculinity. Yet, can’t help but feel a bit resentful over the whole thing.

85. Do your bit and get into the khaki.

Cause who else is going to fight in Gallipoli alongside a hot Mel Gibson? Sorry if I offended any Australian reading this.

86. Stop the black market. Don’t buy or sell on it.

Too bad there will always be a black market. And people will always make money on it.

87. British Empire soldiers always stand together.

That doesn’t mean the soldiers will get independence or be treated equally. But it’s WWI so it’s a recruitment tool.

88. America needs more nurses.

Here Uncle Sam gives a new nurse her hat. Now they wear scrubs.

89. While our men are at war, serve on the home front.

This is from Pennsylvania by the way. And there are some civilian organizations you can join, too.

90. Support the war effort, conserve energy.

Just remember there were no windmills, solar panels, and geothermal energy sources. So conserving fossil fuels is the only option.

91. Always remember that Hitler wants know.

So cut with the careless talk. Or you’ll help Hitler win the war.

92. It’s best to land with the US Marines.

But keep in mind, you wouldn’t want to fight with them on the Pacific. Because it’s a very violent place during WWII.

93. At night, it’s forward to victory.

For the German planes can bomb the shit out of Britain at any time in 1940. Best have the anti-aircraft gun ready at night.

94. Save energy and turn the gas down.

Guess most stoves were powered by natural gas. Seems like they should switch to electric.

95. This soldier lets his M-1 do the talking.

So in wartime, we must be careful on what we say. Or he’ll get riddled with bullets.

96. Why stand by during a brush fire? Fight the Germans back!

Because our effort needs all hands on deck. However, now our brushfire is the Trump administration. And too many are standing by watching our country burn thanks to Donald Trump, white supremacists, greedy corporations, and right-wing conspiracy nutjobs.

97. Save your coins, kids, and by war stamps.

And when little Jimmy turns 18, it’s straight to the trenches. But wars can’t win themselves, you know.

98. Support the troops, send money to the Red Cross.

Nowadays contributing to the Red Cross doesn’t carry as much weight as it used to. Yet, in this one, it acts like a shield for Lady Liberty.

99. Watch the ramparts, join the Army Air Forces.

And here he is holding a large bomb to be dropped in some city. But thanks to him, the skies won’t be so friendly.

100. Instead of dreaming of victory, fight for it! Buy bonds!

For soldiers can’t get on without stuff in the trenches. So send the US government money despite that they spend more on the military than anything else.

The World According to Stock Photography

antonio-guillem-girl-winning-good-news-stock-photography

While much of my blog has been filled with posts teeming with outrage over what my country has become since President Pussy-Grabber was sworn in to encouraging ICE to separate families at the border and putting children in cages, tent cities, and concentration camps, we should try to maintain our sanity with some fun now and then. No matter how hard it might seem to be. Nonetheless, like Lord Hamsterhair Cheetohead lately, stock photography is everywhere since it consists of photographs that can be licensed for public or commercial use. Whether used in marketing, advertising, or design as long as it’s not illegal or harmful, many graphic designers, web designers, and other professionals frequently take advantage of stock images to fill their design needs. Anyway, most often you’ll find stock photos on professional websites and greeting cards. In fact, it’s a whole industry which started in the 1920s as a way for professional photographers to market outtakes from commercial photo shoots. But many pro photographers today take photos exclusively for stock purposes since a large portfolio can earn a considerable amount of money each month from selling their images through a photography website. Even if the photographer doesn’t add new photos on a regular basis. Still, they have a reputation for being notoriously cheesy and generic with bland happy faces in their diverse workplaces of harmony and in their seemingly perfect but bland families. But there are some stock photos that are too ridiculous to explain or don’t seem to have any applicable purpose whatsoever. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of crazy stock photos. By the way, some of these might not be safe for work.

  1. “Do you know how to work this thing?”

I’m sure these guys have no idea to function as a news crew. Or they’re just goofing off.

2. Anyone can be a princess.

However, this guy seems to be really pushing the envelope. Still, he rocks the red sash.

3. So what do they call if you cross a dog and a frog?

Yes, I know it’s photoshopped. But you have to wonder about the mad scientist who’d create this freak of nature.

4. It’s been said his brains are made of noodles.

Granted, I love pasta and noodles. But this isn’t the kind candlelight dinner I’d want to participate in.

5. Not all snails travel at a snail’s pace.

This one practically gallops. Oh, wait, why does this one have legs?

6. Apparently, The Shape of Water didn’t get a stellar reception on a small budget.

This is why using CGI is important. Because simply kissing a fish is just ridiculous.

7. There are centaurs and there are these.

Somehow a horse head with a human lower body doesn’t look so good. And I think the centaur would agree with me.

8. Some chick just got puffed.

Guess someone decided to get a large blue fro. The other can’t help but stare.

9. Apparently, Swamp Thing decided to leave the swamp and get a regular job.

Though he’s got a tendency to track in leaves now and then. Here you see him fetching a file.

10. When you’ve been in a car wreck but the boss insists you show up for work on Monday.

Yeah, you can’t really do your office job after you’ve been injured in a number of places. But I guess his workplace doesn’t have paid sick leave.

11. When you’re robbing the place and want to show some color.

From Outbound: “A jaunty cravat makes any robbery a special occasion.” And here he’s stealing a hard drive.

12. Bertha always saw herself as a queen.

She’s even wearing a pink dress and a tiara. But she thinks she looks fabulous.

13. This astronaut has a flight to catch in space.

I see he’s got his luggage with him since he can’t do his laundry at the ISS. Still, why is he wearing a space suit?

14. It’s nice that Jerry has decided to make dinner tonight.

Heard his secret sauce is from an old family recipe. It’s said to include a tablespoon of arsenic, a teaspoon of strychnine, and just a pinch of cyanide.

15. This dog breed is known as a Jacques Rousseau Terriere.

He’s easy to distinguish from the Jack Russell with his curly mustache, his taste in French bread and wine, and his penchant for berets, paintings, and arthouse films. And he doesn’t care for pretentious cheap dog food either.

16. Apparently, the mime has just managed to escape from the jaws of death.

And by “jaws” I mean large chomping mouth of teeth you’d find at a dentist’s office. Doesn’t seem thrilling does it?

17. Seems like this chimp is quite the chatterbox.

“And then I told him, ‘Dude, chill down. It’s not worth flinging your poo over.'”

18. Didn’t know you could play frisbee with your pet turtle.

Apparently, they’re really great at playing fetch for some reason. Don’t really see why since they move like, well, turtles.

19. Wonder how many pictures did they take of him?

Even this kid is baffled. And he sat for the other pictures.

20. Her face is a little cracked.

Let’s hope that her delicate eggshell face cracks don’t lead anything to spill over. Because that would really make a mess.

21. Wearing a watermelon helmet changes everything.

This is especially when you’re wearing goggles and stick your tongue out. Wonder if he’s high on life.

22. And now, a stop-motion version of Romeo and Juliet by director Wes Anderson.

Yes, it consists of two people wearing animal masks and dressed in hipster clothing. Don’t think this will go well for Wes. Unless he casts Owen Wilson as Friar Lawrence.

23. With romantic dinners, there are just some foods you shouldn’t make out with.

Sharing a kiss during a romantic dinner a la Lady and the Tramp is romantic. Sharing a kiss during a chicken dinner is just plain disgusting.

24. Crazy Larry will clean your car and keep it nice and polished.

But don’t you leave anything in it. Or else he’ll take it and pawn it off for some extra cash to support his meth habit. He’s also had an infamous reputation with the ladies and a record of sexual misconduct.

25. During desert nights, beware of the fierce and dreaded cattysnake.

Known to hang around pumpkin patches for some reason. But while they may be cuddly, their bites are deadly.

26. “Take that, you pathetic puppy!”

I kind of feel bad for the dog here. I mean how is anyone going to take him seriously after getting the crap beat out of him by a guy in a banana costume?

27. When your baking has caused your stove to burst into flames but you don’t have a care in the world.

The smoke detector is on the fritz like crazy. But instead of getting the fire extinguisher or calling the fire department, he’s watching the stove burn with a glass of wine.

28. Want to eat a slice of bread with nails?

Of course, you want to eat that. Because you’d find swallowing all those nails as painful as hell.

29. You’re never too old to have fun.

Since when do they have rocking horses in adult size? And since when do old men enjoy going on horsey rides?

30. When you just have to get that last selfie while your friend is about to be burned for a human sacrifice.

“I know you’ll be burned to death, Kyle. But for now, let’s remember the good times before I get the hell out of here.”

31. “Greg, I don’t think you get the meaning of ‘Casual Friday.'”

I mean he’s showed up with messy hair and no shirt. And I’m not sure if he’s even wearing pants or shoes.

32. “Ahhh, grass!”

Yes, she enjoys lying in the grass. Then again, she could be murdered in the middle of nowhere.

33. “Wanna see my pineapple dance?”

Funny, how that one pineapple is conveniently placed in her crotch region. Not to mention, she’s wearing a winter hat.

34. When you’re in a tender embrace with your significant other but are considering other options.

Indeed, they’re hugging each other while checking their phones. Guess that’s modern dating nowadays.

35. “Help! I’m trapped in a jar with exclamation points!”

And I guess she’s trying to figure her way out of there. Though she might be running out of ideas.

36. “Answer the question or I’ll shoot!”

Not exactly the best way to deal with the big questions. Shoot first never works well.

37. “It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Business Man!”

Flying in the air faster than a speeding printer and more powerful than a server filled with memoranda. Flying through the sea of finance and willing to save the day from a calamitous paper jam.

38. Presented The Bachelor: Equine Edition.

Watch a bunch of mares compete for the heart of this dashing stallion at this lavish stable. Or as it’s better known: Study Duty.

39. Since she was a little girl, this demonic goblin had a dream to dance.

Here she does her Black Swan dance for the Transylvania Ballet Theater. Graceful isn’t she? Wonder if she’d do well with Gollum.

40. Ever heard of Wendy of Wendy’s? Turns out she has a brother named Wendell.

He’s a certified public accountant at some firm in Cedar Rapids. They don’t talk about him much.

41. “If we should go down, we’ll die together.”

For God’s sake, the two have guns pointed at each other? You can guess they’re going to blow each other’s brains out eventually.

42. A well-dressed mouse should always stand for a portrait.