The Disappointing World of Epic Design Fails

Nobody’s perfect. And those who design all the stuff we look at and use are no exception. After all, we all make mistakes. But if you design something, people are going to notice. At best, it’ll be overlooked like it’s no big deal. At worst, it’ll be emblazoned all over the internet and you may be known as a “you had only one job” person. Actually that may not be the worst since that might depend on your profession. Though some of these pieces might include more than one terrible mistake. From bad architecture to bad ads, you’ll find design blunders all over the place. Sometimes it’s bad font, wording, and ad perception. Sometimes it’s something much more practical. So for your reading pleasure today, I’ll give you an assortment of epic design fails. So enjoy. Though some of these might not be safe for work for obvious reasons.

  1. To be fair, counting miles is pretty tricky.
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No wonder running this trail feels longer than it should be. Still, there’s a difference between 4 and 5 miles.

2. I think you might mean jaguar.

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Because jeopards don’t exist. Seriously, it’s not even a word. But little kids might not know that.

3. What do you mean I can’t smoke in this ashtray?

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Don’t you know what an ashtray is for? If you don’t permit smoking, why do you have them?

4. Hunters Plaza is so heartless these days.

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Okay, they’re raising money to help kids with childhood cancer. Couldn’t they just say so and not look like monsters?

5. The Econo Camper Mat makes for a great book surface.

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Uh, aren’t you supposed to be lying on it? Better on an air mattress than the grass, I always say.

6. Even superheroes listen to their parents…oh wait.

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If you’re familiar with superheroes, you can see why these don’t add up. For one, Batman saw his parents murdered. Second, both Superman’s dads died when he was young. And both seem to send him conflicting messages. Third, superheroes don’t have bed times.

7. Perhaps your little princess would like to sit in this Cinderella car seat.

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Didn’t know one of Cinderella’s ancestors was a giraffe. Seriously, this is really freaky.

8. Apparently, the University of Texas doesn’t have a statistics department.

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Because these bars on this graph are way too high. Seriously, doesn’t someone understand percentages?

9. Bleach Cereal is part of a complete breakfast.

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Who the hell would buy this? Sure I don’t think it’s toxic, but you wouldn’t know by the packaging.

10. Okay, I think this Minion craze has gone too far.

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Minion bikini? What the fuck? I know they’re really popular but a minion bikini just doesn’t look right.

11. Did someone just die in here?

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Don’t worry, it’s just the carpet’s merely designed like a mass murder happened here. Still, I wonder how many 911 calls this place has inspired.

12. Why are those two guys banging a human centipede?

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To be fair, they might just be horsing around. But the positioning of these guys gives me a far dirtier impression.

13. Almond milk or laundry detergent? You decide.

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Because this almond milk bottle seems to resemble something you’d keep bleach in. Not sure if I’d take any. Oh wait, I wouldn’t.

14. We’re open 24/7 except when we’re not.

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To be fair, they’re only closed late at night on weekends. So it’s a time that most people won’t be calling anyway.

15. At Thunder Bay, golf is a man’s sport.

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Guess someone didn’t have the balls to tell the landscaper about this. Then again, you’d have to be nuts not to notice.

16. I’m sure your girlfriend will have quite the sensation once you hit the ‘Clit.’

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It’s a forest recreation area with plenty of bush. Not far from the G-Spot Nature Reserve. You’ll have such a good time you’d want to come again. Oh, it’s supposed to be “The Cut?” Well, the font suggests otherwise.

17. So do you have a Jack or an Ace?

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Sorry, but the Jack of Diamonds doesn’t look like it. Seems more like a diamond Ace to me.

18. Since when did couches have ball backs?

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For when you don’t want your guests to stay long. Seriously, that can’t be comfortable.

19. I suppose Jeff Epstein and Roy Moore used to frequent this joint.

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Okay, this has one more to do with bad text placement. 8-12 is supposed to be the time not the age range. But yes, it’s pretty disturbing.

20. That doesn’t look like 5 bananas.

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In fact, there seems to be 6 bananas. Apparently, this children’s book illustrator couldn’t count.

21. Pool open for 9 days a week from 10 to 9:30.

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Actually, it just repeats Friday and Saturday. Still, you’d think anyone would notice it.

22. Is this supposed to be soap or candy?

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It’s supposed to be hand soap. But the label seems to suggest otherwise.

23. I don’t think you’d want to use this stall.

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Since the door’s basically a trapezoid. So it doesn’t provide any adequate privacy.

24. I don’t think your belongings will be safe in these lockers.

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Because they don’t seem to have any locks on them. So better keep your belongings on you in this place.

25. Apparently, Habitat for Humanity provides sniper lessons.

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The van is supposed to say, “Practice your skills.” But given how van doors slide, you can see where the unfortunate message comes in.

26. Seems like the poop emoji recently got a makeover.

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Yes, it’s supposed to be toothpaste. But no matter what the color scheme, a glop with a smiling face is always the poop emoji.

27. Please don’t season the birds.

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Okay, it’s supposed to say don’t feed the birds. But the bird should be facing the other way.

28. Pencil’s got on Nikes but no pants.

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Wonder why he’s not getting arrested for indecent exposure. Then again, he’ll have to sharpen his tip once he gets going.

29. Maybe you should just put “Jazz” not anything fancy in between.

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Yeah, the shirt seems to say, “Jizz Addicts.” Coming soon to a club called The Golden Shower.

30. Didn’t know Paw Patrol was such a dark show. Though it was catered to toddlers.

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Well, the box says, “Paw Concentration Camp.” Like, what the hell? I don’t think 2-year-olds are ready to learn about the Holocaust.

31. Before you erect a pay meter, make sure it’s capable with its environment.

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Since I don’t think solar panels work in parking garages. Still, this place must be a popular place to park.

32. Looks like Ohio State’s not doing so good.

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Okay, this is an alarm clock. But why would they put the time on the scoreboard, I have absolutely no idea. Couldn’t they just put the time on the time clock like they do in every game?

33. Excuse me, ma’am, but I think you might have a severe case of diarrhea.

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Actually, she’s wearing a white dress with brown flowers. But it surely looks like she massively shit herself.

34. On second thought, maybe mirrored ceiling tiles in the bathroom was a bad idea.

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I mean they obviously reflect the toilets in the stalls. Guess someone has no concept of privacy.

35. Jesus Christ, these people are monsters.

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Okay, they actually support Child Abuse Prevention Month. But the last 2 words are in smaller type.

36. So how are you supposed to use the toilet if you can’t reach the toilet paper?

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I mean the toilet paper should be near the toilet. Not near the sink. Yeah, I don’t know how this is supposed to work out.

37. How do you know how much water you have in this bottle.

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I mean it should be at least translucent, not opaque. This doesn’t make any sense.

38. Didn’t know I could find Seven of Nine’s baby picture on a bus.

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You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. Still, I didn’t think the Borg would get her this early.

39. Do you squirt?

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It’s supposed to stand for Silent Quiet Un-Interrupted Reading Time. However, “squirt” also has a rather different connotation in the bathroom.

40. I don’t think whoever designed this knows how.

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The words are divided into columns. Yet, given how we read, you can see how it doesn’t make sense.

41. Aaris is home to the Eiffel Tower.

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Okay, it’s supposed to say Paris. But somehow, someone had the brilliant idea to put the Eiffel Tower on the P instead of the A.

42. These activewear Speedo pants will show off your, uh….big dick energy.

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Actually that’s supposed to be a leg, not a penis. But looking at them from this angle makes you think otherwise.

43. You can now watch movies from the comfort of your home or car.

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The scaling on this is incredibly bad. Also, you can’t put a couch in your car.

44. Want to take some mulled spice bleach?

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Okay, it’s probably not bleach, but mouthwash. Still, despite its cinnamon flavor, I wouldn’t want to put that in my mouth.

45. Care for a Tex Cock Mextail?

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It’s supposed to say “Tex Mex Cock Tails.” But given how we read, it doesn’t come out right.

46. I’d have to get a ladder to plug something in.

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I don’t see anyone using this electrical outlet anytime soon. Since it’s in a very inconvenient location.

47. No, “stressed” spelled backwards isn’t “desserts.”

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It’s actually “desserts.” But apparently, this person didn’t get the memo.

48. You don’t want to drink that. Seriously.

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Because it’s radiator coolant. Why they thought it would be fine in a tall pop can container, I absolutely have no idea.

49. So how do you use this keypad?

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Look, I understand what most of these buttons are supposed to do. But the commands on the right don’t match the colors and symbols. So something might mess you up.

50. I don’t think you should wear these flamingo pants.

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No, it has nothing to do with whether they might make one’s but look big or fat. But the flamingos just don’t make your crotch look good.

51. Make your home great again with some white power accessories.

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I understand white is to signify color. But “white power” is also a white supremacist chant. Doesn’t look good.

52. Is that where the speakers are supposed to be?

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I don’t think speakers are supposed to go near the pedal and brakes. Seriously, why?

53. Soul-Feel – to remember that perfect voyeur moment.

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It would be easier just to take a selfie. Why not, I have no idea.

54. Is this supposed to be a dentist’s office or an execution chamber?

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Given how the standing figure appears to be holding a gun at the lying figure’s head, you’d think the latter. Still, it’s pretty crazy.

55. Seems like this upcoming basketball game’s going to be a real snoozer.

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Better not watch this one. Will probably slog on for hours. Also, this announcement is from New Zealand.

56. Warning: incoming dancer coming down the stairs.

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Yeah, you don’t want to be near someone silly walking. This is especially the case at the stairwell.

57. Seems like I found Hannibal Lecter’s favorite restaurant.

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Best thank Jessica’s family for offering their bodies to nourish all the cannibalistic customers. Once again, word placement is the key.

58. In this year’s Christmas Bazaar and Craft Show, we’re fighting children with diabetes.

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It should be “Fight Childhood Diabetes” fundraiser. Otherwise, it means that you’re beating the crap out of diabetic kids.

59. This urinal placement’s bound to create some awkward moments.

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Because I don’t think guys want to pee that close to each other. Seriously, they don’t even design stalls so close together.

60. Don’t bother parking in this driveway.

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Since it has power lines running down. So what’s the point having a driveway right there?

61. Don’t let your kids go down this playground slide.

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For this slide doesn’t have any side rails. Also kind of resembles a very long tongue.

62. Apparently, whoever came up with this toenail file wasn’t consulted on product names.

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Pedi File? Seriously, I understand what they’re trying to get at. But the name too closely resembles a term they use for a child molester.

63. He should remember not to dive in the shallow end.

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Apparently, this giant is seconds away from being paralyzed. Probably not the smartest tool in the shed.

64. Wonder what kind of prick would pay for this pool.

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Hope whoever owns this one doesn’t have any kids. Because I’m not sure if they’d have the balls to explain the shape to them.

65. I don’t think bathroom carpeting is a bright idea.

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Considering that you’re bound to drip water quite often, you’re better off with tile. Seriously, why?

66. Well, I guess I’ll lose then.

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After all, if you can’t win at Tic Tac Toe, you can keep the other person from winning. So I’ll call it a draw.

67. I just want to listen to the radio not shift gears.

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A gear shift shouldn’t be a knob. Seriously, it just confuses people.

68. I don’t think the stairs can make it to this bedroom.

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Seems like you have to make quite a step to get inside. Best you don’t sleepwalk. Parkour fans only.

69. Shouldn’t you not go under that ramp anyway?

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From Bored Panda: “The Rails Should Prevent People From Hitting Their Head, But Instead They Trip Over Them. So Now, Traffic Cones.”

70. There, that should keep intruders away.

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Apparently, someone didn’t get the memo on how anyone can just go around the gate. So it’s basically worthless.

71. How not to design a handicap parking spot.

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Not sure how the wheelchair can get around the bumper and onto the ramp. Disabled access shouldn’t be this difficult.

72. When it comes to signs, spacing is important.

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The letters are so close together that you can’t tell what it’s supposed to say. Other than it’s a bookshop.

73. So where is this vent supposed to go to?

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Apparently, it’s screwed on a tile wall. So it doesn’t seem to lead anywhere.

74. So how do I get this thing out of the packaging?

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Seems like these things can help you open stuff. But then they come encased in plastic impossible to rip open.

75. So how do I use this keypad if I want to warm up something?

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Because the keypad on this microwave doesn’t have any numbers on it. Just pictures and that won’t help me or anyone else.

76. 50 lanes? Let’s merge them into 4.

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Man, if you have to deal with traffic on your commute. Be happy you don’t drive on this road.

77. Apparently, I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a wheelchair.

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Does this person have a large butt? Just jumping on a bouncy ball? What else?

78. If only there was an easier way to see who’s outside the door.

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For God’s sake, there’s a window right there. Seriously, you don’t need a peep hole. The window’s good enough.

79. I think I’ll use the garden hose instead.

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Since the fire extinguisher more or less resembles a flame thrower. Not a great indicator in the least.

80. Perhaps you’d want a couch like this in your house.

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Oh my God, this is just incredibly ugly. Also, some of the upholstery may not be suitable for children.

81. When you have to take a shit at a public lecture.

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“Hello, everyone, I’m here with you today to discuss our sales figures. But first, I have go to the John. I apologize if you have to watch me drop my pants.”

82. Remember that nothing is impossible.

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Except you can’t see the first 2 letters. So you might find this rug rather pessimistic.

83. I don’t think this sends a great message to kids.

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Actually, it’s an anti-smoking PSA. But given that it’s on a school bus, it seems like an ad encouraging kids to drop out of school. Still, kids, don’t quit school. It never ends well.

84. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the dumbest couple around.

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Uh, I think the woman’s well past the first trimester since she’s obviously showing. Seriously, she doesn’t really need a pregnancy test by now.

85. Get ready for the Dublin Staff relay.

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Since when do men wear a tie on their wrists? Because I’ve never seen guys doing any such thing.

86. If you don’t know the language and can’t get a translator. But you need to open right away.

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That doesn’t seem like this business will do well. Wonder what’s going on with the translator.

87. Hope you don’t do your business at the beach.

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It’s supposed to say “suit yourself.” But sometimes the typeface doesn’t do the phrase justice.

88. So what will you have for the wedding: chicken, beef, kids?

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They should put the kids under the guest line. Not next to the menu. Bunch of sickos.

89. The slide goes 3 ways.

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I don’t think a kid may want to slide down on that. Where they’ll land, no one knows.

90. Do you really need an iWatch that big?

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This seems more suited for people that are about the size of as skyscraper. Maybe Godzilla or King Kong.

91. Lounge in your pool with this air mattress from Always.

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In case it’s your time of the month, this float is extra absorbent. Seriously, why would anyone want to design a pool float that looks like a maxi pad? It’s just ridiculous.

92. How about joining the Cool Jizz Association?

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Oh, it’s supposed to be the Cool Jazz Association. Still, I heard they’re streaming on Netflix. Bet you’re already bursting since holding it in. Since urine luck.

93. No, I wouldn’t know what accident to do.

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This is supposed to convey “If you were in a car accident, what would you do?” But the font and size doesn’t seem to do justice.

94. Unfortunately, the memories don’t seem to last forever on this time.

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Since the word, “memories” is faded. Because it doesn’t have the same color as the other words on here.

95. Welcome to the 9/11 Superstore.

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This isn’t just an Indian Seven Eleven knock off convenience store. But also desecrates one of the worst days in American history like the terrorist attacks at the World Trade Center.

96. Here is a touching tribute to JFK at this Memorial. Oh, wait.

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For God’s sake, the guy was shot in the head during a motorcade in Dallas. While the corner is right near it. That can’t be good.

97. Music connects people.

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Unfortunately, these silhouette couple realized the world won’t let them be together. So they decided to hang themselves on 2 eighth notes. So tragic.

98. Apparently, this school administration knows nothing about current pop culture trends.

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For one, The Hunger Games is a trilogy. Secondly, it’s about teenagers who are forced to fight to the death by a repressive dystopic government. Apparently, the odds aren’t in their favor.

99. Feel free to hunt kiddies here with a shotgun.

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Actually don’t. Since the sign wants people to drive slower since kids are around. Also, hunting is usually reserved for certain times of the year. But you can understand the misinterpretation.

100. Feel free to take suggestions that we’ll normally toss away anyway.

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Because at this place, you’re opinion doesn’t really matter. So you better get used to it.

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The World According to Stock Photography (Second Edition)

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A year ago before I went to Minnesota to attend my cousin’s wedding, I did a post on ridiculous stock photography. So I decided do another for 2019. After all, given how President Cheetofascist is supremely racist, ICE is rounding up undocumented immigrants, Central American refugees, Jeffrey Epstein’s arrest, and all the crazy stuff coming from a dumpster fire known as the Trump administration, I kind of figured we need something to laugh at. Other than the so-called invasion at Area 51 no less. Anyway, you might see stock photos all around you all the time whether for public or commercial use. Often these usually pertain to cheap business ads, spur-of-the moment PSAs, and low-budget greeting cards. While many of these like the image of an old guy on the computer with a fake smile hiding distress on his face, have become memes. Remember the one with the distracted boyfriend? Well, that’s a stock photo. Nonetheless, I can go on raving about the best stock photos in recent time. But I won’t since you’ve probably seen them anyway. Instead, I’ll show you another assortment of the worst and most ridiculous ones you wouldn’t want on your craft beer website. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy stock photos.

 

  1. When you eat out and there are no cutlery options available.
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Apparently, judging by his hands, he just ordered dessert. I suspect it’s cheesecake.

2. Playing naked balloon fort has deep roots in the 18th century.

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Okay, that wasn’t a thing. Since they didn’t have mass rubber production at the time. But given that she’s naked, in a balloon fort, and has a hairstyle akin to Marie Antoinette, I couldn’t resist.

3. Unfortunately, Del Monte phone service was utterly worthless.

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Either that or he’s drunk arguing on a banana phone at the office. Then again, he just might be plain nuts.

4. On his off hours, a US Army IT guy shoots his rounds.

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But instead of using his gun, he uses his keyboard. Results in less lethal accidents that way.

5. Apparently, sex doll porn is a thing.

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I really don’t want to know what’s going on in this guy’s sex life. But at least he’s not hurting anyone.

6. Sandy’s new dress was full of baloney.

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And apparently, she wears these lunch meat slices as a dress. Or is that really salami?

7. The Christmas party was so crazy that even Dog Santa was wasted.

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Even funnier how this dog’s wearing a Santa suit and sunglasses. Man, I really don’t want to be around when it wakes up with a doggie hangover.

8. How not to bond with your kitten.

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Just because cat moms lick their young, doesn’t mean you should lick your feline fur baby. Since it’ll just think you’re insane.

9. Unfortunately, the Olive Garden had to reject Betty Spaghetti as its mascot.

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What? You don’t remember Betty Spaghetti? I mean at one point, she used to be on almost all their posters.

10. During the Great Depression, Big Bird’s dad would support himself through babysitting.

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Unlike his famous son of Sesame Street fame, the children weren’t very fond of him. In fact, he gave them nightmares.

11. Remember Distracted Boyfriend? Here’s Distracted Boyfriend on Escalator.

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Unlike the more familiar version, this one has the parties go in different directions. Also, it’s going on behind the girlfriend’s back.

12. When the only jean size available is XXXXL.

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I mean the jeans obviously go all the way up to the guy’s shoulders. Yet, he’s trying to make the best of it.

13. For God’s sake Lindsey, spaghetti isn’t finger food.

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You should’ve known that since your toddler years. Seriously, waving your spaghetti and meatballs in the air just makes a mess.

14. Hundreds of miles from civilization and this old man can still use a laptop.

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Still, I’m kind of skeptical how he can get a wi-fi signal that far. Besides, he’s old and not wearing a shirt.

15. Isn’t she way too big for that tricycle?

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I’d say so since she can lift it up by the handlebars. Also, she’s pregnant and dressed like she’s from the trailer park in Whoville.

16. When you’ve been riding the same tricycle everywhere since you were five.

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That guy really needs a car. Or at least live near a bus station. Seriously, he’s way too big for it and is wearing a business suit like he works in an office.

17. I don’t think fans will be happy with the next Predator movie.

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Apparently, they had a lot of budget cuts. So instead of CGI, the Predator will be played by some bald guy with dreadlocks.

18. Elephants always enjoy the great outdoors.

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The two calves are riding their bikes while their mom rides a scooter. Though they’d definitely crush these things in real life.

19. If you’re horny and you know it, blow your horn.

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Apparently, this guy blows for sex. Not sure if he’ll get any with that routine.

20. Even evil witches have their girl friends, too.

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But if Lexie dare steal Grimilda’s man, she’ll drop a house on her. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

21. Tragically, the peanut tight rope has become a very dangerous act.

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As you can see by how many cracked after a fall. Rest in Reese’s Pieces.

22. Duchess look behind you!

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Seems like dogs engage in murder and mayhem, too. As you can see by the one dog raising its paw with a knife.

23. She makes balancing a loaf of bread on her head look easy.

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And yet, she seems perfectly secure in herself. Though I have no idea how she can keep bread that large on her head. Photoshop?

24. “Is she dead? Or is she just sleeping?”

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Teacher appears like she’s trying to wake up a student sleeping in class. And she doesn’t want anyone to see her.

25. When your dog groomer plays Minecraft.

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Yes, the poodle’s all trimmed in blocks. And yes, it’ll look pretty ridiculous for awhile.

26. Before she became the sweet woman from accounting, Karen was once a badass soldier in the Army.

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Those look like two different women. Also, I don’t think women in the military dress like that.

27. “Kibble shares are doing great around this quarter.”

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Here a business dog is at work on his laptop. And it’s almost time for him to leave and go for his walk.

28. “Mr. Gigantis, I think you might’ve had an allergic reaction.”

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I’d hate to be there when that giant sneezes. Cause someone’s going to get covered in snot.

29. Nothing beats doing business on the beach.

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Since that tidal wave will basically destroy the computer within a second or two. There’s a reason why people don’t have beach offices.

30. In business, you have to see all the possibilities.

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That doesn’t mean you should do your business on a cliff. Since that’s incredibly dangerous.

31. Saint Nicholas receives a devastating call.

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“You mean the Dutch don black face to imitate my six to eight black men? Oh, the humanity!”

32. “Get that infernal egg away from me!”

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“Can’t even look how you poach, scramble, and have it over easy. It’s horrible! Stop it! Stop it!”

33. “I believe I can fly…”

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Though Kyle basically works on his laptop on Greg. Poor Greg. He’s going to have chronic back problems later in life.

34. This holy sister has a message for the red man downstairs.

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Oh, Sister Angelica, how could you flip two birds? So undignified for a nun like you.

35. “Want to see my business card?”

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Sorry, but if a guy’s dressed up like the Dude from The Big Lebowski, I’d rather not. For all I know, he could be promoting something shady.

36. There’s nothing like the joys of doing laundry.

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Here Lily sits in front of the washing machine, contemplating the emptiness of her own existence. While holding a pink balloon, no less.

37. Presenting the new Harold & Maude remake.

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Man, they really stretched the age gap from the original. How old is that boy supposed to be? Please let it be 18.

38. This disabled dwarf managed to snag a lady at a punk rock concert.

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What do you know, they have matching mohawks. Yet, the guy has her on a leash. Guess it’s a kink.

39. Though Walter managed to retain his 6-pack, he wasn’t put on right.

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I mean he’s got his butt on his front, no less. Wonder how he has sex and goes to the bathroom. On second thought, I really don’t want to know.

40. Cousin It’s daughter doesn’t have an active social life.

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She also finds it difficult to eat and drink. Mainly with all that hair around her face.

41. Beware of the 3-eyed cat.

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Okay, that’s really weird and kind of creepy. Since the third eye looks remarkably similar to the others.

42. Ever tried licking a cactus?

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Please don’t do this. Since your tongue will hurt like hell for cacti have needles to keep critters from eating their skin.

43. Meet Mike, the Cyber Internet Hacking Thief.

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He’s more machine now than man. Given that most of his body consists of robotic limbs.

44. Think you have to remove the bones and scales first.

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Don’t think that eating a fish straight out of the stream is a good idea. Might hurt your mouth. But, hey, a bet’s a bet.

45. Apparently, the sexy Ser Brienne of Tarth costume was not a success.

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Though I hear it’s been used in the Game of Thrones porn therapy and as a stripper costume. Still, Brienne deserves better.

46. Got a weird sexual fetish? These women got you covered.

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From Bored Panda: “What We Need Is A Picture Of A Blindfolded Woman In Lingerie Holding A Pomegranate With A Octopus On It. Oh And Could You Set Up A Mirror In The Corner Showing Another Woman Sulking? Perfect. Thanks.”

47. “I’ll have your neck for this, Hansen!”

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Let’s just say, the boss meant that literally as he literally grabbed Hansen by then neck. And apparently Hansen’s neck is abnormally large neck.

48. She expects to be the ultimate soccer mom.

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Since she’s carrying a future soccer player in her belly right now as seen how her abdomen resembles a soccer ball. Of course, that could just be all air.

49. Ronnie just wanted to seek some comfort from the Scriptures before ending it all.

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But he can’t decide whether to kill himself by hanging or poison injection. He’d really want it to be quick but is scared of needles.

50. You should know better than to mess with a pineapple businessman.

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He’s all about the Benjamins and he’ll stop at nothing to be the top fruit in the finance world. Though he’s bound to rot from the head.

51. “What’s in the Box?”

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Apparently, it’s Becky’s little head and she’s tearfully screaming. But at least whoever packed it in used bubble wrap and handled it with the utmost delicacy.

52. “We are trying to find the answer to the age old question on why the chicken crossed the road.”

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They didn’t find it. But the scientists managed to get a half dozen eggs out of their lab observations.

53. “I want adventure in the great, wide somewhere…”

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Yes, the guy yearns to go to another place with his hat and suitcase at his side. While jets fly high in the sky like they’re war planes.

54. When your mother’s an Olympic swimmer and your father is the Incredible Hulk.

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While Suzie Banner was in many ways a normal child. Her dad Bruce’s condition with gamma ray radiation resulted in her having a congenital mutation of Hulk hands.

55. “Stop right there! Your pizza or your life!”

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“But I just ordered this delicious pepperoni! Oh, God, please just let me enjoy just one little slice! I’m basically pissing my pants over this!”

56. Didn’t know Bigfoot had a more civilized side to him.

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Okay, he’s actually answering a call on his smart phone. He’s telling his friend how he’s adjusted to human civilization and asking how things are in the woods.

57. She’s got so many reminders that she doesn’t know where to put them.

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So she’s all covered in Post-It notes. If you’re married to her, give this woman some kind of organizer or a bulletin board.

58. A businessman can’t ask for anything more than being in a wheatfield with balloons and a briefcase.

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Someone must be on drugs. Seriously, who frolics in a wheatfield wearing a business suit?

59. Apparently, Japanese nurses are known to entertain hospital patients with conch shell performances.

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Patient is like, “I have to stay up with my food poisoning for this? Can’t I do anything to get this lady to stop?”

60. Don’t worry, Nurse Liloki will take good care of you.

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So she’s marching on the patient’s room with a baseball bat and glove. In case intruders come inside.

61. “Let’s try something a little more adventurous.”

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I think this is taking things a bit too far. I mean making love on a log over a waterfall can result in grievous injury.

62. “Born to be wild..”

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Looks like we have a true mountain lion on his mountain bike. And he’s having the time of his life.

63. When you spend so much on the phone that you don’t take time to listen to your wife.

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Here the wife’s wielding the frying pan while her husband is on the phone. Would love to see them in couples counseling.

64. “But Mrs. Fletcherson, I don’t want to play the recorder.”

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“Listen, Mister, we play recorders in music class and you’re gonna learn to it. Even if I have to drag your ass myself.”

65. Mr. July on the Gas Mask Hunks 2050 calendar.

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The kind of man you’d want in your post-apocalyptic bunker once our human civilization is ravaged by catastrophic climate change. Named as one of the year’s most sexiest men. Given that his body shows no signs of radiation damage.

66. David is a very special boy.

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Since while most people’s waists can only twist at 180 degrees, his turns 360. Yes, I know it looks freaky.

67. A child comes to terms with the harrowing reality that this is what it’ll be like until she retires.

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Go ahead and cry, little girl. Adult life sucks. Also, you’ll be crying in your office a lot more often from now on.

68. Sometimes giving last respects can be very awkward.

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I think we found the murderer. And they used the wrong casket, too.

69. It’s tough being a test dummy and in love.

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“If we make it through this crash, Stanley, let’s run away together. We can get married in Vegas. Nobody will want to condemn us to car testing there.”

70. Tragically, even the North Pole wasn’t exempt from the drug crisis.

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Given global warming, Donald Trump raging on Twitter over being on the naughty list, and other problems, could you blame Santa for shooting up heroin and snorting coke? Nonetheless, such image can ruin your childhood.

71. “Cheeseburgers! Cheeseburgers everywhere!”

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This woman his haunted by cheeseburgers. Best she stay out of a Burger King, MacDonald’s, In&Out Burger, and other places.

72. Featuring the latest thing in food technology: white bread.

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She kind of presents white bread as if it’s the new iPhone or something. Nice try, but she looks ridiculous. Since white bread has been around for decades.

73. Ladies can’t get enough of a manly canine lumberjack.

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By day you can see him cutting down trees as well as peeing on them. Also enjoys long walks in the park and catch. Not to mention, he’s house-trained and got all his shots.

74. Sometimes you have to roll with the punches.

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Seems like she’s getting a massage from a boxing glove. I know it seems straight out of an acid trip.

75. Ahhh…cactus.

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The boy’s smelling a cactus. Hope he doesn’t get a nose full of needles.

76. A one-eyed accountant flashes “East Side” while listening to an abacus.

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How do you listen to an abacus? Because as far as I know, you don’t.

77. In partnership with Lowe’s introducing the Victoria’s Secret Catalog: Handy Girl Edition.

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She can fix up your house and be a man’s bedroom fantasy at the same time. Though I don’t think wearing a skimpy outfit is a good idea, given the potential for injury.

78. “Honey, I can explain…”

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Sorry, Barry, but Jennifer knows you won’t leave your wife for her. So prepare to be bludgeoned to death by rolling pin.

79. “Ice, ice, baby…”

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Yes, we cling to anything to cool us down during the summer. But embracing a large block of it is a bit much.

80. Don’t mind Larry, he’s just taking a bath.

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However, most people don’t usually bathe in their scuba gear. Since most tubs aren’t as deep as the ocean.

81. Gone on a trip to an exotic Latin American country? Party in your car and pick up hitchhikers.

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Actually picking up hitchhikers is a very bad idea. Also, standing up in the jeep isn’t wise either. Not to mention, I don’t think that car’s supposed to fit 7 or more people.

82. Oh, God, Santa’s been a naughty boy this year.

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I’m sure Mrs. Claus won’t be happy when she finds out about this. Someone’s going to get coal in his stocking this Christmas as well as sleeping on the couch.

83. Jessie always feared the times when her daddy’s drunk.

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Why is this a stock photo? It basically shows a girl afraid of seeing her dad with a bottle in one hand and a belt in the other. I think we can figure out what he’s going to do.

84. “Yo, yo, what time is it? Show time!”

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“Uh, Holly, that’s not how we do a rap battle. You’re making us look like idiots. Can we just leave right now?”

85. “Put your hand on my womb, Jamie.”

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Please, have this boy be her son and not her baby’s daddy. Because that boy is basically a teenager and any sexual relationship between a teen and adult is grounds for statutory rape.

86. “Our love literally defies gravity.”

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I mean they’re jumping for joy yet their feet don’t touch the ground. This doesn’t conform to the laws of physics in the least.

87. “There’s a bear behind us? Let’s take a selfie.”

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After this, Gary and Linda were never seen again. Or at least in one piece since the bear basically devoured them.

88. Simba rules the corporate boardroom.

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Actually it’s a guy with a photoshopped lion’s mane. But Scar better watch his back since Simba will claim his rightful place as king of the pridelands.

89. “Help! I got myself stuck in the washing machine!”

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How is it possible to get stuck in a washing machine? Fortunately, none of the machines at the laundromat seem to be on at the moment.

90. Fancy a vacation on the moon?

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No, going to the moon isn’t like going to the beach. It has no atmosphere so you need to put a space suit on. Else, you’ll suffer a most horrible death.

91. “Good morning, class, hope you studied hard for today’s examination.”

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Seriously, a teacher in high heels and miniskirt? She seems more suited to a porn “hot for teacher” movie than a school?

92. He’s known simply as “Pencil Boy.”

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Because he has pencils stuck inside his orifices, save his eyes. Don’t be surprised if the teacher calls his mom saying he got beat up at school.

93. This year’s latest fashion trend: Lobster hair.

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Let’s hope the lobster is dead or plastic. Because a live one on that woman’s head simply terrifies me.

94. When you break into someone’s house in the most embarrassing way.

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Or when your scuba diving excursion goes humiliatingly wrong that you end up entering someone’s home through the toilet. Yeah, got to see how he’ll explain himself.

95. When the flight is overbooked but you can’t miss it.

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Yes, she’s sitting out on the wing which is incredibly dangerous. But she manages to sit comfortably in her business dress and work on her laptop.

96. “We’re about to be beset with some minor turbulence.”

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Either the plane is facing some major turbulence, got shot up into space, or she’s got the acid kicking in. I don’t know how else to explain.

97. “I’m Mary Poppins y’all.”

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Yes, the acid’s definitely kicking in. Since traveling by umbrella doesn’t necessarily get you where you need to go.

98. “Let’s celebrate my survival from a plane crash with interpretive dance!”

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Uh, now’s not the time to do an interpretive dance moves. Better to get supplies and send a signal for a rescue.

99. This caged woman dreams of freedom from her gilded prison.

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Many people might see her as Melania Trump in a nutshell. Though Melania’s prison is the position of First Lady of the United States. Despite that all she wanted to be was a trophy wife to a moral degenerate fake billionaire.

100. A teddy bear goes on his winter trek.

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I hope this bear isn’t trying to climb Mount Everest. Since he’s probably going to die after reaching the summit. Then again, the Sherpas won’t have trouble getting him there.

I Want You to View These Vintage Wartime Propaganda Posters (Fourth Edition)

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Over the years around the 4th of July, I have done annual posts on propaganda posters. Mostly I use American wartime posters from the early 20th century. Mostly because their artistic quality is way better than those in the 19th century. Nonetheless, their presents appears to loom large since they were once seen everywhere to encourage the war effort. So it’s no surprise that so many became icons of pop culture. However, given that these were made decades ago, you’ll find plenty that haven’t aged well for some reason. Some may be racist. Some may be sexist. Some may depict very backward attitudes. Others may have terrible artwork and weird facial expressions. So for your reading pleasure I give you another assortment of vintage propaganda posters. Enjoy.

  1. Send your trash to the US military for war stuff.
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Well, at least it’s recycling. Though it’s applied to a rather sinister purpose.

2. Want to support the troops? Reduce your food intake.

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After all, soldiers, sailors, and marines need to eat, too. So best you might want to cut back on portion sizes.

3. Defend your country. Or else black guys will ravish your women.

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This is a WWII Italian poster evoking a common racist trope against black guys raping white women to stoke white people’s fears. And you can tell this is targeted toward Americans despite that black people served in multiple allied armies thanks to colonialism.

4. Buy war stamps to keep the Hun out.

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Still, I wonder how he could get through the window without bumping his helmet. Also, the blood on his bayonet might mean he’s out of ammo and is willing to kill again.

5. Are you a lady who can drive? Volunteer as a military driver.

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Still, I’m not sure if wearing a skirt that long is practical for being behind the wheel. Might get tangled. Also, you don’t want to go to the Western Front.

6. Germany is a place of manly strength.

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Nonetheless, compared to the guys you see in superhero movies, this man is kind of scrawny. Also, holding a torch naked doesn’t seem to fly.

7. Hey, sailors, no need to be stingy in the mess hall.

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Because you may not know when you’ll have your next meal. Still, military food doesn’t have a great reputation so make do with what you got.

8. Don’t let the shadow of Nazism touch your kids.

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Then again, it might be too late if you kid’s a neo-Nazi. Still, the swastika hovering over them is menacing.

9. Josef Stalin’s like, “Take that Hitler.”

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Despite the fact that Stalin made the near fatal mistake of trusting Hitler when the war started. Still, this is kind of funny that it’s hard to take it seriously.

10. War dogs are ready for trouble.

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Though you wouldn’t tell it by this dog’s face. Still, apparently, dogs can also be as disillusioned with carnage of war as people.

11. Are you a responsible civilian man? Volunteer as an air raid warden.

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However, like this guy, you’ll feel ridiculous to wear a hat with your business suit. Yeah, he doesn’t seem very happy.

12. Don’t get left behind with VD.

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Because we all know that STD-infected men make bad soldiers. So keep it in your pants for freedom.

13. Let’s hit the Axis leaders square in the ass.

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Since we’re making weapons for victory. So every time you make a bombshell, you’re getting rid of Fascism.

14. Britain has always come from proud generations of fighting for freedom.

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Except, much of the time they were usually the guys who most people were fighting against for freedom. Why do they not have an independence day?

15. Join the US Army for we build men.

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So you can put your lives on the line so you can either die, come home a mangled mess, or spend the rest of your life marred with PTSD. Yeah, not a pleasant experience.

16. Keep on the job and turn D-Day to V-Day.

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Yes, you want to see that Nazi surrender don’t you? Though this guy appears to have the same sullen face like he doesn’t mean it.

17. Servicemen fed courtesy of the Salvation Army.

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So they even serve food for the troops? Thought they just do charity work and raise money during the holiday season.

18. Factories are the big guns on the home front.

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However, I’m sure those smokestacks have horrible emissions. Way to contribute to climate change.

19. Shut off that light so they won’t see us.

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Because you don’t want Germans destroying your house. And let’s just say, that happened a lot in WWII Britain.

20. Our labor and our goods are meant for fighting.

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Still, perhaps you might not want to sew a guy’s pants while he’s working. Cause that’s kind of inconvenient.

21. Want to help with the war effort? Join the school garden army.

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Where you can learn about horticulture by growing veggies for those in uniform. Though I don’t think a skirt is practical for plow work.

22. Don’t forget to give generously to help sustain Russia.

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However, once the war’s over, stop donating money to the Russians. Since they’re our enemies and we’re fighting a nuclear arms race with them.

23. China is the first to fight so support it.

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Until after the war when the factions will resume their ongoing civil war and the Communists take over. Let’s just say things will get worse under Chairman Mao.

24. Behold all the people the Brits have terrorized.

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Well, this Italian WWII poster isn’t wrong since the British have inflicted a lot of death and destruction in the name of imperialism. However, we must understand this was made under Mussolini’s Fascist rule.

25. France is burning. Send help for the Red Cross.

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Since what kind of person wouldn’t want to help this pretty nurse? Still, France will face worse in WWII.

26. Supporting the war effort has always been a tradition for American women.

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They just do different things like sew or drill rivets. Still, after the war, the latter lady will have to give her job to a man.

27. Blood means life for defense so donate today.

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Offer not available for black people. Because the American Red Cross was racist at the time.

28. Soldiers caught in hellscape? Someone must’ve talked.

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Not sure if that’s the case most of the time. Since war’s all no matter what you do within it.

29. Yes, daddy helps build those plans indeed.

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The kids looking up kind of remind me of dolls from a horror movie. Kind of wish the planes shoot them down already.

30. War stamps are full of Vitamin “V.”

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This kid appears like a budding serial killer who’d slit your throat in a dark alley. Avoid him at all times.

31. Canadians, get your teeth into the job.

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Looks like Hitler climbed up the wrong tree. Since the Canadian beaver’s chopping like a storm.

32. Are you a boy under 18? Join the Victory Boys.

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This is an auxiliary unit for teenage boys to support soldiers. Yet, while our troops fight over there, they’re mostly doing care packages on the home front.

33. Produce your limit to stop the Axis Powers.

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This one depicts a monster with Hitler and Hirohito heads and smashing the Statue of Liberty. Yes, that’s Fascism to you.

34. Beware of the monstrous Liberators.

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This is a rather crazy Nazi propaganda poster from WWII. Seems assembled with everything the Nazis hated about the US but comes off as utterly ridiculous that it’s hard to take seriously.

35. Apparently, we got some sort of a traffic jam.

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This one is supposed to encourage people to use less sugar in their jellies. But the jam parade is utterly freaky.

36. In war, it’s best you watch what you say over the phone.

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For all you know, Hitler could be listening in. And you don’t want that, do you?

37. Even the walls have ears during wartime.

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Man, these propaganda posters might make you paranoid after awhile. And yes, you can have Nazis living next door, which is pretty scary.

38. Join a balloon barrage squadron to secure our nation.

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For one, those blimps fell out of favor after the Hindenburg crash. Second, more or less resembles a crazy steampunk cover.

39. Enlist in the Navy to help your country.

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I don’t know about you. But that naval captain seems like he’s tied to a net. Oh, that’s just his outfit.

40. You don’t want to call off work over syphilis do you?

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Yes, STDs are a bitch. So use protection or just keep it in your pants. Else, you lose your pay.

41. Behold, send in the Norwegian Legion.

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This guy seems like he wants to retreat but doesn’t have the confidence to. And now he realizes he’s in deep shit.

42. Wanted: 500,000 men to the Western Front. Your country wants you.

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That bald guy looks cartoonishly freaky, I’d pass on that. Seriously, the guy is the stuff of nightmares. Then again, anyone who refuses will get drafted anyway.

43. Don’t let the imperialist menace take away your babies.

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Yet, another poster from Axis Italy during WWII. Here death comes in Allied form and takes away a crying mom’s baby. Seems more fitting on a horror movie poster.

44. What are you waiting for, Canada?

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Okay, Canada did participate in World War II and many servicemen and women sent there served with distinction. Notable example: James Doohan from Star Trek. Still, that guy’s face is too priceless to take seriously.

45. Buy war savings stamps to save your kid from autocracy and poverty.

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Unfortunately, since we have the Trump Administration in power, your best bet is to vote for a Democrat for 2020. War saving stamps won’t save you today.

46. From the American Revolution to WWII, Americans have always fought for liberty.

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Well, that’s sort of true to an extent. Though Native Americans would beg to differ since we know what happened to them.

47. Be careful: telling a friend may mean telling an enemy.

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Now they’re telling us we can’t trust our friends. That our friends may be Nazis? Oh wait.

48. Ask yourself are you supporting the war effort with all you can?

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Well, that’s a good question with no easy answers. And you can see where it’s all headed to.

49. Put everything you can in this drive and keep on firing.

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Yet, I don’t understand the use of golf metaphors. But keep swinging at Hitler.

50. When do we get Hitler? It’s up to you.

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And the bombers seem to come after him right on schedule. Despite that he’ll shoot himself and his wife in a Berlin bunker in 1945.

51. For a quicker victory, we must do our part.

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Yeah, but we won’t achieve victory until 1945. So that’s 2 years off which will take some large scale invasions and 2 atom bombs.

52. Let beaver and lion join in pursuing victory.

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Yes, this is for Canada during WWII. Apparently, Canada was still part of Great Britain by then as far as this poster is concerned.

53. Pull for victory by helping us crack the world’s biggest nut.

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That’s Hitler by the way. But in the 1940s, he has some stiff competition with Mussolini, Stalin, Franco, and Mao.

54. As long as you keep it under your hat, the soldier will be safe.

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For careless talk costs lives. So don’t trust anyone with state secrets.

55. How will you save a life during Red Cross Week?

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For humanity’s sake, choose civilization over barbarism. Also, stay away from Trumpism since it’s basically an American variation of fascism.

56. Crowing is an easy way to lose the war.

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See the Axis leaders listening in to the rooster. Though you won’t get much intelligence from him. Unless he’s using a special rooster code.

57. Don’t forget to smack Hitler during your afternoon work.

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Sure, these women work part time. But they don’t put up with Nazis.

58. Beware of the snake of Fascism.

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Though given the language it’s in such as Spanish, I’m not sure who we’re supposed to root for. Are we supposed to be for the snake or the naked guy with the hammer?

59. Support your country. Dig for victory.

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But would you trust a small child with a hoe and shovel? Not sure if I would.

60. You can’t win without women at war.

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Indeed, someone has to make the bombs. And the young men need to be on the front lines. So….

61. Buy war savings stamps to share in the victory.

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So the angel has a sword in one hand and an olive branch in the other. So invest in war and relish in the peace.

62. Government training schemes come with paid allowances. So train to win.

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Though they really should use background checks. Since this guy seems to resemble the neighborhood psychokiller.

63. Use your blow torch to make a grilled cheese.

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I’m sure that would work. But you really shouldn’t trust me with a blowtorch.

64. Defending American freedom is everyone’s job.

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Here Uncle Sam puts on a more utilitarian hat so he won’t get his star-spangled top hat dirty. Though he doesn’t seem to be in prime condition.

65. Steel, not bread for the conquered.

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You can see the knife has a swastika on the handle. Though the conquered can also use bread, too.

66. Are you in the British war effort?

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The guys on the top go into the trenches. The others below stay on the home front. Be the folks at the home front.

67. The Patriotic Service League is America’s third line of defense.

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You can tell it’s from World War 1 since it says “Confront Prussia.” Prussia had ceased to exist as a country in the 1870s. It was Germany then.

68. Remember folks, war traffic must come first.

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Because in a time of war, the trains must run on time. Our servicemen’s lives depend on it.

69. Buy war bonds. They’re waiting.

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If you don’t, the kid and the dog dies from a bombing. Just saying.

70. Buy war stamps to keep the planes fighting over the ocean.

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Because we’ll need to a ton of planes to deal with those Japanese Zeroes. Still, the Pacific front is a real shitshow.

71. Your blood can save this soldier.

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Blood donation offers available to white people only. Because 1940s America is under segregation where blacks in the South are effectively disenfranchised.

72. Russian bricklayers are willing to do their part.

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Though this guy seems more likely to drop one on you. Make sure he’s not above you or you’ll live to regret it. If you live at all.

73. Cut down on the carbs and take down the Kaiser.

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Because the troops need food to take down those U-Boats. But WWI will be won in the trenches.

74. During wartime, create make your own victory home.

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So this means getting war work, raise and share food, walk and carry packages, conserve everything, and save 10% in war bonds. Some of this can apply to fighting climate change.

75. The American Junior Red Cross are builders of a new world.

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Though lately, the American Red Cross has been under a lot of scrutiny. Since they haven’t had a great reputation in recent years.

76. Arise women, your country needs you.

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And after you’re done, you might get the vote with the 19th Amendment. But don’t ask for it now.

77. Someone’s absent. Is it you?

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What’s unsettling about this is that John Bull kind of resembles Donald Trump in a top hat and Union Jack vest. Makes me want to puke.

78. Do your part to help your country and make these planes fly.

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Note that if you serve on a bomber plane, you don’t have very good survival odds. So write your last will and testament while you can.

79. Stay away from the red light district.

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Notice how the prostitute’s depicted like a skeleton? That’s because she’s riddled with STDs.

80. Want to help defend America, ladies? Join the SPARS.

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Guess that’s the female auxiliary to the Coast Guard. Yet, they show a woman wielding a shotgun in front of a covered wagon on the Oregon Trail. Bet she lost someone to dysentery.

81. Best keep your mouth shut since spies can be anyone.

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Note Hitler behind. So he has people listening around since he’d like an easy victory.

82. Express your thanks to the Merchant Navy.

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They don’t get appreciated for their work that much. But without them, the troops would have nothing. Still, it would be better to depict sailors than guys in business suits.

83. Join the Marines so we can smack ’em down.

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And yes, they have flyers like the Army and Navy. Make sure he’s not on a bomber or he’s probably history.

84. In France, gold fights for victory.

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And the rooster on the gold coin won’t let the soldier forget it. Also, chickens aren’t cowards since they can rip your freaking face off if you provoke them.

85. Ladies, join the WAVES to make your parents proud.

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Since little Jimmy is too young to serve. While you just want to get as far from your parents as you can.

86. Britain expects national service.

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And here you see Athena with a Union Jack over a military base. Sure won’t protect against German bombings.

87. If you can’t go across, come across by buying bonds.

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However, I pity the ship who gets this seaman. Since he has that killer instinct and probably tortured animals as a child.

88. Don’t let American GIs pistol whip innocent Italian children.

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Yes, this is another Fascist Italian poster. And yes, Americans aren’t depicted in a sympathetic light.

89. Want to be a ship’s officer? Join the Merchant Marines.

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For the guy who wants to do his part but doesn’t want to see combat. Seriously, Mr. Roberts is basically a war movie without battle scenes since merchant marine service is the boring side of war.

90. Beach fronts are only reserved for the Master Race.

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You’d almost think this was a vacation photo of the Malfoys. Except the Malfoys are pale while the dad seems like he’s related to the Trump family.

91. Join the Scottish War Savings Committee for honor’s sake.

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They may bomb our lands. But they’ll never take our Freeeedom! Okay, I have to include at least one reference to Braveheart.

92. You defeated the Germans. Now defeat VD.

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Because there’s gonna be a lot of it. So if you have an STD, keep it in your pants.

93. Apparently, France will be on fire soon if we don’t act now.

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Wonder what war is this for. Judging by the guy’s uniform, it might be straight out of the 19th century. Perhaps the Franco-Prussian War.

94. Slaughter a bunch of Russians, you’ll get an Iron Cross.

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Luckily, the Germans didn’t have much luck in Stalingrad. And Stalingrad marked the turning point in WWII. Sorry, D-Day fans.

95. Britishers need you so come across now.

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After all, the US and Britain are close. And the US is kind of leaning on the Allies. Though they won’t decide until Pearl Harbor. Or Lusitania since I might be talking about the wrong war.

96. Are you Irish and Canadian? We got a unit for you.

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By the way, they’re recruiting in Montreal. You know a major city in Quebec, where they speak French. Wonder what’s weird about this.

97. Since Pearl Harbor, we’re all in this together.

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Notice the big red letters designed to grab your attention. Still, we’re all in this together. So dump Trump from the White House once and for all in 2020. Please, I’m begging you.

98. The military still has a place for you.

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But if you haven’t joined already, don’t bet on avoiding the draft. We can’t all afford to get temporary bone spurs.

99. Appreciate America and stop the 5th Column.

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Because we must resist foreign propaganda. Whether it’s Nazi tirades or fake Russian websites and Twitter accounts.

100. Remember that a night with Venus could mean a lifetime of Mercury.

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So unless you got condoms on you, you might want to keep it in your pants, soldier. Yes, STDs are a bitch.

Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Vintage Christmas Advertising of Yesterday (Fifth Edition)

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Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, I am now free to get into my Christmas posts. And fortunately for the Trump folks, I’ll most likely be busy with these for most of December. Anyway, the day after Thanksgiving is Black Friday, or a day when I try to avoid the stores unless I have to work at one. Sure most of them probably don’t have people rushing inside to buy shit. Yet, you’ll always hear about one Black Friday brawl over a hot item on the news. Nonetheless, retail giants are known to advertise heavily in the days leading up to this iconic shopping day. Seriously, your Thanksgiving newspaper bundle probably comes with countless ads and catalogs on the latest deals. And yes, you’ll find plenty of Christmas ads from back in the day. Some might age well like this Goodyear ad above. But some not so much since they could be quite unintentionally funny, offensive, or creepy. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another yearly assortment of crazy vintage Christmas ads. Enjoy.

  1. There will always be a Christmas, even in the future.
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And in the future, it seems they’ll always use Rolex. Except that digital technology and smart phones haven’t been good for the watch market these days.

2. There’s no better gift for Christmas than Playboy.

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I’m sure your man will always read it for the articles. Though I would suggest you’re better off giving him a tie. Also, I don’t think this woman’s wearing a bra.

3. This Christmas, give her a Hoover.

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Sorry, but if a man gave me a vacuum for Christmas, I would not be happy. Seriously, I hat these things.

4. It’s always a holiday party with 7 Up.

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Apparently, Jack’s trying to score with Susie at the dinner table. While Eric gets a bottle from behind.

5. Budweiser is always the beer for the holiday season.

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You might think she’s happy and engaging in the holiday cheer. But she’s only putting on a smile to hide her dismay over Roger’s gift. And she’s not exactly in the mood for booze at the moment.

6. Santa likes to dance with his reindeer at the North Pole Christmas party.

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Yet, I don’t think Santa has any good intentions for dancing with Dancer. For he’s eyeing the reindeer like a piece of sweet meat.

7. Timmy really seems to like his new train.

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The boy’s like, “Wow, just what I need for my death machine I intend to use for torturing the neighbor’s cat. Thanks, Mom and Dad.”

8. This Christmas, give your loved ones a box of interwoven socks.

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To be fair, Socks are essential for everyday living. Yet, I get the impression that Santa’s giving Bobby socks just to spite him for being a brat.

9. Kupperheimer always makes good clothes for the season.

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Still, while Hank was eager to do the Christmas shopping, he didn’t like using bags. But, check out his coat.

10. Thanks to Greyhound, Daddy will be home for Christmas.

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Unbeknownst to Mommy and little Johnny, Daddy would never be the same after Korea. Often he’d drink and fly into rages with no apparent reason.

11. With gifts, it’s always the thought behind it that counts.

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Nonetheless, little Maisie knows that whatever present she gives to her family, nobody will be impressed than the new car Dad bought for the family. But she knows he got it for himself to enhance his ego.

12. Decorate your house with brightly-colored GE Christmas lights.

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Or else, Santa will come down your chimney and murder you in your sleep. Don’t think that he wouldn’t.

13. This Christmas, give her the gift of lightness with matching luggage.

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Though I’m sure she wouldn’t be able to take a whole set on a plane. Also, not very keen on the colors.

14. Seems like it’s the mom’s job to come up with the Christmas list.

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Well, at least the girl is writing her own. But the boy just wants to play wit his new ray gun while the dad doesn’t really give a shit. But the mom knows she still has to get a gift for him.

15. Nothing makes a party memorable like 7UP.

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Wonder if they have anything else in their pop. Or whether whoever’s here will end up doing more than kissing under the mistletoe like the couple in the back.

16. Santa always enjoys a bottle of Coke from the fridge.

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Seems like milk and cookies couldn’t satisfy Santa enough. So he had to raid the fridge. Despite that he has plenty of other places to visit that offer the exact same treats.

17. ETA always makes the best Christmas nuts.

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From Flashbak: “This couple literally seems on the point of tears over the sight of their gift of Christmas nuts. Suffice it to say, this mom and dad are easy to buy for.”

18. Not it’s Santa’s turn to receive his Christmas gift.

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Though he doesn’t seem certain if this shirt would fit him. Or when he’ll use a tie. Then again, Santa may also have a day job for all we know.

19. “Kids, come on down. Grandma’s here.”

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Though Bobby doesn’t seem very enthusiastic about seeing Grandma. Maybe because it’s snowy and he’s wearing shorts.

20. All this boy can think about is the new Plymouth.

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Yet, the boy has his head down as if he’s possessed by some demon. That or he may be thinking about the futility of human existence or the inevitability of death.

21. This Christmas stop the sag and end the fag with Allen A underwear.

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Apparently, guys often hung out together without a care in the world back in the olden days. I’m sure they’re just friends. Even the toy soldiers like to check out these briefs.

22. Nothing makes a great gift for dad like his favorite cigars.

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Apparently, show your love for dad this Christmas by giving him lung cancer if you don’t know what to buy for him. Seriously, that’s what you give your dad when you give him cigars.

23. Santa Claus digs Adidas cleats.

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Since how does Santa wear a red jumpsuit? Because I don’t get the impression he regularly works out at the gym. Also, doesn’t seem like I’d want to see him there either.

24. Want to make sure you don’t get underwear this Christmas? Ask for Atari.

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Well, that’s one way. But I don’t think it’ll get past the parents. Seriously, video games are expensive.

25. This Christmas, Colgate gives the gift of dental hygiene.

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Apparently, Colgate products come from Santa’s disembodied hand in the night sky. Didn’t know he cared about oral health.

26. For this wartime Christmas, Santa chooses Chesterfields.

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Santa even has his own military outfit. But still, he promotes a product that kills 1/3 of the world’s population a year.

27. Crosman guns are the gift of the season.

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For nothing says, “Peace on Earth” like a bunch of guns under your Christmas tree. For God’s sake, these are instruments of death and not appropriate for Christmas. Or any other occasion.

28. Take Santa’s advice and get a supply of Lundborg’s Perfumes.

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Apparently, Santa doesn’t think people around the turn of the century bathed as often as they should. Though given how many chimneys he goes through, he could use a shower.

29. “Look, Tommy, it’s Tinkerbell!”

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Seems like this girl’s kind of freaked out by Tinkerbell appearing in front of her eyes. Then again, we’d feel the same way if we were her.

30. Make sure you spice it up with your Christmas wrapping.

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Though this boy thinks the presents are all his, And he’ll fight to the death to make sure no one else gets them.

31. “Now what would you like for Christmas, Ralphie?”

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“I’d like a train set, a Rough Rider BB gun, a chemistry set, a box of knives, and rat poison. Also, I want Cindy’s head on a platter.”

32. An Underwood typewriter always captures the spirit of giving.

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But don’t mess with the Weird Sisters. Or else they’ll curse the living daylights out of you in your nightmares.

33. Karo gives a sturdy body for your Santa Claus.

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To be fair, it is a syrup. Yet, since it’s mostly made out of sugar, its health effects might range from obesity to Type II diabetes.

34. Santa wants you to smoke Chesterfields for far and near and in good cheer.

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Apparently, demonic Santa Claus wants you to smoke and die of lung cancer. Or else he’ll break into your house and kill your family.

35. Let Christmas last a lifetime with a Remington 22.

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Great, get your boy a gun for Christmas. He’ll never forget it. Let’s hope he doesn’t accidentally shoot someone in the eye.

36. Nothing beats a long day at the slopes like a Budweiser.

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“Hey, Christie, join us for a beer at the fire. And once we get drunk enough, we could have a three-way.”

37. Want to keep her young and pretty? Give her a Star vibrator.

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I know it’s supposed to be a massager. But the word “vibrator” has come to mean “sex toy” in recent years.

38. A Parker Pen is a friend for life.

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Yet, why would you take a pen form a disembodied Santa hand? Besides, a pen is a gift you give someone for secret Santa or because you don’t know what to get them.

39. Make this merry trifle with Bird’s custard.

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Looks like a cream cheese snowman sinking in a bowl of cheese and cherries. Kind of disgusting.

40. Didn’t know trains could spring from Santa’s sack.

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Well, this is for New York Central. But it makes Santa seem like a big train enthusiast or a god who can fit massive trains in his bag.

41. For Christmas, polar bears choose Calvert.

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Didn’t know that polar bears liked boozing during the holidays. Hope they don’t run into anything with the sleigh.

42. Buy Kentucky Tavern Whiskey and you’ll get this snowman decoration.

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I hear it even talks to you and urges you to murder people. But only when you’re really wasted on this stuff.

43. Corby’s always makes a great gift for fathers and sons.

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Booze for Christmas? Still, let’s hope that alcoholism doesn’t run in this family. Though I wouldn’t be surprise if it does.

44. Take a break from Christmas shopping with a nice Coca Cola.

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From Flashbak: ” Supposedly, they stopped putting cocaine in Coca-Cola in 1903; however, this 1962 advert, proclaiming a special ‘zing’ down to your toes, makes me think it was a bit later.”

45. An RCA Victor is perfect for the whole family.

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From Flashbak: “Everything’s so white….is this what Christmas looks like in Heaven?” Let’s hope not since I don’t want to imagine this family dying in a car crash before then.

46. Throw a great Christmas party with the Hallmark party books.

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She’s like, “God, I hope this book doesn’t make me mess up. Since I don’t want this shindig to end up like last year.”

47. Pop brings you happiness from a bottle.

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Little girl’s like, “Drink all the happiness you can, Mom. Cause I’m going to kill you in your sleep and serve you for Christmas dinner.”

48. Santa thinks Interwoven socks make a great gift.

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Santa also looks like he’s had a few too many. Maybe he should go home before his sleigh crashes into a house.

49. Planters Peanuts makes a great holiday party staple.

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The guy is looking at the woman eating nuts and thinking, “Man, she’s really making an ass out of herself.” While he’s carrying a tray of cocktails.

50. 7UP can always please the holiday crowd.

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Something tells me these kids shouldn’t be drinking it. Since they’re in their pjs and their parents are hosting a party downstairs.

51. Wrapping presents doesn’t have to be a hassle on Christmas.

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From Evolvor: “Nothing says getting ready for Christmas then wrapping presents for the kids. And by wrapping presents I mean, kicking back with some ice cold brews and making the ladies do it. I’m sure a few minutes after this snapshot someone’s ass got slapped. Good work girls.”

52. Double Bubble always makes the season right.

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From Evolvor: “I’m not sure if the kids these days know what an excuse for “gum” Double Bubble is, but I’m damn sure kids were not getting TOO excited over getting a handful of this shit in their Christmas stocking. The stuff is barely passable on Halloween and is a total fail of a holiday candy. If little Johnny ends up with a lump of ‘Bubble it’s because he was either bad that year and we needed coal to heat the house or Santa (*ahem* Dad) got laid off and this is all he could afford.”

53. Drinking beer is always a tradition during the holidays.

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From Evolvor: “There’s nothing wrong with this ad really, I just love the idea of my grandparents getting bent on the holidays. Again clearly the men get to dick-around, most likely talking shit about all the people who sent them Christmas cards. “Look at John’s stupid kids, what an asshat” the one guy is probably saying. Meanwhile the ladies are again doing what they do best.”

54. A Lincoln-Zephyr is the quality car for the holiday season.

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From Evolvor: “Many of you know how I strongly I feel about our obsession with cars (and how we use them to give us some sort of social status), and there’s nothing I hate more then seeing luxury auto ads during the holidays. Seriously who the hell gets a NEW CAR for Christmas? I dunno, maybe the day I strike it rich I’ll start buying people cars to make up for something really shitty I did to them in the past. Anywho, the not-so-wholesome past wasn’t any different, and here Santa is either dropping a brand new Lincoln off for some brat or is trading in the reindeer and sleigh for a V12.”

55. Schlitz gives you a light refreshment over the holidays.

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Here she’s holding a small present. Wonder who it’s for and wonder what’s in it. Also, the guy seems to have a different “present” idea in mind. Cue the “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

56. Give Kentucky Club to all the men on your Christmas list.

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After all, lung cancer is the gift that keeps on giving. Even during the holiday season, apparently.

57. “For me? You shouldn’t have.”

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From Evolvor: “Another classic Christmas car ad. This one SCREAMS “sugar daddy”. Nothing says love during the holidays like keys to the car *ahem* I mean heart.”

58. Send Christmas wishes through airmail this holiday season.

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So Santa ditched his sleigh for a print plane. Hope the reindeer don’t go on strike when he returns to the North Pole.

59. For your holiday platter, banana quick bread makes a tasty treat.

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Okay, that bread looks very disgusting. Yet, Santa munches on his banana nonetheless.

60. This Christmas, take a bottle from the J&B Scotch tree.

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The bottles even have candles. Best to stay away from it if you’re the designated driver.

61. This year, give your children a real Roy Rogers Christmas.

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And yes, this means Dad getting the saddle and giving horsey rides to the kids. I know it’s an undignified moment in fatherhood. But at least it’s cheaper than giving your kids a real pony.

62. Make this year a lucky Christmas.

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Well, you won’t be so lucky with Lucky Strike. Seriously, smoking will kill you. But he doesn’t care.

63. Make your Christmas party planning easy with this new Toastmaster hospitality set.

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Actually I don’t want to put any of these appetizers on toast. Seems like something you’d have on the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Special.

64. Decking the halls is always a family tradition.

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Of course, Dad had to put the garlands around the archways. Hope he watches his hand or he’ll be causing a bad accident. Especially if Sally’s running with the star. Hardly seems like having peace of mind. Still, I can’t help thinking they’re in the midst of an accident waiting to happen.

65. With Camel, it’s Merry Christmas with every smoke.

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Man, Santa seems to appear in a lot of cigarette ads. Despite that smoking kills and gives people lung cancer.

66. Santa Claus always enjoys one on the rocks once in awhile.

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This is from Japan, I think. Still, the guy is a clear mall Santa since the beard looks obviously fake.

67. Kid can’t help but talk about the new Plymouth.

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Don’t look now, but I think the older sister has a devious look in her eyes. Like she has murder on the mind. Also, the dog’s jumping on her.

68. The Targeter is a sure-fire gift for the whole family.

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Since nothing makes Christmas family fun like endless target practice. Hope Mom doesn’t shoot anyone’s eye out. Or kill anyone.

69. With Avon, you’ll always make the spirits bright.

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Here’s an assortment of cosmetics in fine containers sold by a multi-level marketing firm. And I believe she’s lighting a candle or burning incense. Either way, don’t want to have an open flame near a tree.

70. Chesterfields always make the perfect Christmas gift.

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This woman’s like, “That way when my sugar daddy dies of lung cancer at 53, I’ll get the whole estate. Mwha ha ha ha ha!”

The Wonderful World of Vintage Ads (Fifth Edition)

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As we all know, advertising is everywhere, especially around this time of year with Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. You see ads on the internet, the road, on TV, in movie theaters, and in magazines and newspapers. Of course, people need to make a living while companies need to sell their products. And consumers need to buy stuff to carry on with their lives. Nonetheless, while people back then didn’t have nearly as much saturation in their media, that’s mostly because certain outlets weren’t around at the time. Yet, a lot of them do contain things that wouldn’t bode well today or at least allow a modern audience to take them seriously. Some of them may offend. Some may creep you out. While some may seem kind of freaky. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of old timey vintage ads.

  1. Ladies, don’t grow old. Try Dorothy Gray.
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I think a better idea would be to accept aging as a natural process. And if your husband sees a problem with that, it’s his problem.

2. This premiere vibrator gives both pounding and rotary strokes.

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This is actually more of a massager specifically for women. Yet, the fact this is referred to as a vibrator just inspires a more dirty scenario with the words, “Maybe she’ll get to use it-when you’re not home.”

3. Lose weight with some Fat Off obesity cream.

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You can even apply it on your body while you bathe. Seriously, I don’t think it does a thing.

4. Make your hospital light, bright, and cheery with Truscon Detention Windows.

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For God’s sake, that slogan is totally wrong. Hospitals are places of sickness, injury, and death. Unless it’s the maternity ward and even then you might find some degree of tragedy.

5. Why pay to see a shrink? Can’t he just get his act together?

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This is an ad trying to combat the stigma on mental illness and encourage people to seek help. Yet, seeing that quote, I think it backfired horribly.

6. Doctors, don’t forget to check out these leucotomy instruments.

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Actually a leucotomy means the cutting of nerve fibers within the brain, as in a prefrontal lobotomy. Let’s just say, it’s an infamous surgical procedure that you don’t want to get. Seriously, there’s a reason why brain surgeons don’t do lobotomies anymore.

7. Would your kid know what to  do if you weren’t around?

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Well, I’m sure this boy has it all under control. Yet, this girl doesn’t seem too confident with him bandaging her leg.

8. Ad Burns Martin, we fit fat guys.

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Not sure if you’d want to advertise that. But I guess there’s a reason why we have big and tall stores.

9. With Clark’s Thinning Bath Salts, you can bathe the fat away.

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No, I don’t think weight loss works that way. So this is another weight loss product that does shit.

10. Get your food chopped in no time with this new perfection chopper.

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Okay, this image kind of creeps me out. Seriously, the chef face on that thing seems like the stuff of nightmares. For God’s sake, why did anyone think this was a good idea?

11. Got a cold? Well, it’s your own fault because you didn’t use Listerine twice a day.

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For God’s sake, you can’t prevent colds with mouthwash. Also, that doctor has a terrible bedside manner.

12. Remember, ladies, B.O. can really ruin your social life.

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Really? B.O. She has B.O. For God’s sake, just get a shower and put on some deodorant. Simple.

13. Don’t want a bald husband? Get him Wildroot Hair Tonic.

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I don’t think your husband’s baldness is within anyone’s control. It’s genetic. Perhaps you just accept that he might go bald in the future.

14. Nothing says fun at the beach like a Lucky Strike cigarette.

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In other news, enjoy the beach while it lasts. Because there’s a strong chance you’ll end up having respiratory problems and die of lung cancer.

15. Get healthy with electropathic belts.

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And you thought Gwyneth Paltrow’s jade eggs were ridiculous. This is a wellness product that may electrocute your genitalia, especially if you’re a man.

16. Pratt’s Healing Ointment is great for man and beast.

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Okay, this isn’t right. Seriously, the old guy seems a bit too pleased beside the horse in bed.

17. Ladies, don’t forget to wear Madame Rowley’s Toilet Mask 3 times a week.

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I’m not sure how effective it is with retaining beauty. But I believe it definitely makes a great Halloween costume.

18. Vaseline is so pure you can eat it.

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Not sure if I want to use that as a slogan for a product you’re not supposed to eat. Also, Vaseline is made from oil.

19. Improve your well-being with a Health Jolting Chair.

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I’m sure it’s not like the ones used on death row inmates. But still, an electric chair to improve health? Are you fucking nuts?

20. Pet cigarettes are always the best.

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You mean they had cigarettes for pets? You got to be kidding me. Apparently, giving people lung cancer wasn’t enough for tobacco companies.

21. Prevent dandruff and baldness with Newbro’s Herpicide.

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Reading this ad gets dandruff and baldness completely wrong. For one, dandruff doesn’t cause baldness since it’s a genetic condition. Second, dandruff is mostly dead skin flakes on the scalp, not germs.

22. Check out this phone booth of the future.

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Little did they foresee the invention of cellphones that would make phone booths obsolete. Seriously, we don’t use them anymore.

23. Keep your teenage boy’s sex drive in check with the sexual temperance spoon.

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No, I don’t think that’s going to tame unwelcome erections in teenage boys. You’re better off making them watch the news.

24. “This is a computer?”

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Still seems more like a large typewriter to me. On the bright side, it’s not as sexist as it’s portrayed as.

25. Keep your woman from straying with this genuine, lace-trimmed chastity belt.

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Okay, this is more or less meant as a sex toy for those with a kinky taste. But the “keep her under lock and key” part would inflame any feminist.

26. Watch Sabrina demonstrate her Belle and Howell Color-Slide Projector.

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I’m sure she’s in the ad for her technical know-how. Not for her torpedo shaped titties. Oh, wait, it’s totally because of her titties.

27. Union Carbide helps science build the new India.

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Wasn’t Union Carbide responsible for a chemical disaster in Bhopal which is said to be the world’s worst industrial disaster back in the 1980s? Yeah, I don’t think they made a positive contribution in that country. More like as many as 16,000 deaths and environmental devastation.

28. Enhance your beauty with a pair of new eyelashes.

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Actually those eyelashes look incredibly fake. While it makes these women appear quite ridiculous.

29. Pabst beer is always a blue ribbon drink.

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Yet, I have no idea why these people have blue ribbon limbs. That’s just plain freaky.

30. Correct facial flaws with this beauty micrometer.

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So basically it’s putting a woman in a head cage with spikes on it. Seems more like a torture device.

31. “A girl size hand needs a girl-size pen.”

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Reminds me of Ellen DeGeneres joking about Bic’s pens for women and how sexist such concept is. Apparently, Bic wasn’t the first company to do so.

32. Keep your figure with Harness’ Electric Corsets.

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So not only you can crush your internal organs but also electrocute them, too. Seriously, why did this exist?

33. “Does Mohawk Airlines have the best dress girls in the world?”

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Who the hell cares how an airlines’ stewardesses are dressed? A better question is are they proficient at their job? Or whether they’re afraid of flying.

34. No girl should ever be pear shaped.

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This is for shape underwear and bras. But yes, the body shaming is apparent.

35. Casket Cigarettes are the height of perfection.

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Ironically the name is rather appropriate. Because smoking these will eventually put you in a casket before your time.

36. This stove and oven set is a real wifesaver.

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Okay, that’s really sexist. Would expect this from the 1950s. Not the 1970s.

37. Like women, the best cigarettes are thin and rich.

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Sure it’s incredibly sexist with the thin and rich message. Nonetheless, cigarettes aren’t like women. Since the best women won’t give you lifelong health problems and an early death.

38. Ferris Brothers has corsets for all mothers and daughters.

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Really? Corsets inflict enough internal organ damage on women. But making your little girl wear one, that’s just even worse.

39. F.E. Young Dilators will relieve your piles and constipation woes.

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Butt plugs? I don’t think people use them nowadays for constipation. And let’s call them what they are, butt plugs.

40. In the future, you can see whoever you talk on the phone.

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I think we already have something like this on your cell phone. I mean you can get Skype on there. Also, that hat is ridiculous.

41. Remember, fellows, smart men don’t mask morning mouth.

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Because a smart men wouldn’t wear a ridiculous space helmet to the office. So try Chlorodorant.

42. Relieve your worries with Barker’s Vibrator.

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It’s actually supposed to be a wellness product like a massager. Yet, reading it inspires certain images that may not be safe to describe to children.

43. Improve your water circulation with the classic head.

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Though “good head” can also be a sex term that I’m not very familiar with. Or at least what I think is a sex term.

44. “Take your party over the rainbow.”

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Yet, Dorothy seems to wear sunglasses due to suffering migraine headaches, apparently. Though why Toto’s wearing sunglasses, I have no idea.

45. Sued by your children? We can help.

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Reading this just makes me cringe. Since it portrays teenagers as being out of control kids who put their parents through hell.

46. Doctors, here is the drug pusher.

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Apparently, the drug pusher is a scary dude who hangs out on a bench. Even wears a mullet. Avoid him.

47. You always know it’s clean with Pyrex.

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Yet, the boy seems like he’s embarrassed like he accidentally dropped his pants. While his mom just laughs her head off.

48. Mighty Tiny is the world’s smallest record player.

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Yet, this girl is so happy because she thinks these little records could be used as potential weapons. And she’s thinking about getting revenge on that neighbor who told her to get off his lawn.

49. Hold up your figure with Kotex belts-now in white.

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What the hell is that supposed to be? Some sort of girdle? Also, her dress looks really white. Like it can blind you.

50. Protect your buildings with the magic mineral asbestos.

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Yes, protect your building with the magical mineral asbestos. While you inhale it and die from mesothelioma.

51. Ven Heusen shirts give men a bolder look.

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Apparently, Van Heusen thinks they’re great for when beating your wife. Seriously, the top image makes it seem like the brand is endorsing spousal abuse.

52. Glow with your health with VI-Rex Violet Rays.

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So this is another electrotherapy device. Still, during the 1940s and 1950s, these devices were subject to numerous lawsuits and multiple actions by the US government like recalls, forfeitures, and orders to have them destroyed.

53. Take Prophylaxis for she might be a slut.

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Though I don’t think Prophylaxis is that effective for preventing STDs. Best idea would not to have sex on the first date.

54. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Hooter.

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Actually though it resembles a vacuum, it’s seems more like a cocaine dispenser. Still, the name’s pretty funny.

55. Hope you’d enjoy this snow shoveler.

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Okay, that’s not used for shoveling snow on your driveway. That’s for shoveling cocaine.

56. Sno-blow always adds life.

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Yes, more cocaine stuff. This is supposed to be a nose doucher you put in cocaine and up your nose. Yes, it’s disgusting.

57. Want to play this magic flute?

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This is another cocaine object. Though it seems more or less like a whistle than anything. You can even have it on your keys.

58. Everything is always at its best in cellophane.

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But putting your son in plastic wrap is not a good idea. Seriously, he could suffocate. Also, he doesn’t seem too happy about it either.

59. The love rug is always great when the time is right.

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Available in jaguar, lynx, and mink. Yet, you’re unlikely to have sex on it with a guy who looks like David Hasselhoff.

60. Now you can get a poster of your own likeness.

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And you thought taking a selfie is an expression of egotism. I think people who do this are incredibly self-absorbed like Donald Trump.

61. Rock in the newest hairstyle with the stretch wig.

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Okay, that looks so stupid and fake. Seriously, I could tell it’s obviously a wig. Also, is that guy naked?

62. With Cannon Towels, your bathroom is a room with a view to tomorrow.

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Yet, I wonder why the hell is a woman with a bare ass and back doing here. Oh, I get how sex sells. And she’s in the bathroom. Fair enough.

63. With this universal food chopper, you can cut anything.

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Hell, you can even chop animals to smithereens. Though what’s more disturbing than the pigs in a grinder is that some of the fruits and veggies apparently have legs.

64. “Have you ever had a bad time in Levi’s?”

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This is a 1971 ad for Levi’s for Gals. And here they show an angry woman in striped pants and a bad spray tan.

65. “He asked Mother for a dowry!”

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So I guess wear ever aluminum utensils was the result seeing the ad. Still, the dowry thing is so Middle Ages and might be an indication that he’s a gold digger.

66. With Varig Air, you’ll find out what he actually does in Rio.

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Basically when the headline is “I found out what he does on those ‘business’ trips to Rio,” it’s not usually a good thing. Of course, the description doesn’t have the guy doing anything shady. Yet, you kind of expect he may have something on the side.

67.  “If you guys don’t buy these new Drummond sweaters, we’ll go back to male models.”

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The company’s basically admitting they have a naked women in their ad because they think sex sells. Still, those sweaters are ugly and not worth the gimmick. So guys, please don’t buy these.

68. “Are your panties up to date?”

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Why should I care if my panties are up to date? Nobody’s going to see them anyway. Seriously, why?

69. Get a Volkswagen because you know your wife will drive your car someday.

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Okay, that’s really sexist since it implies that women are bad drivers. So it’s best you get a cheap economy car like a Volkswagen, according to their logic.

70. Got a Housewife Headache? Take some Anacin.

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Or if you’re suffering from boredom and emotional fatigue, perhaps you might want to find something to do. Or watch Netflix. Or read a book.

 

The Roadside World of Billboards

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Let’s face it, advertising is everywhere. Wherever you go and whatever you do, you’re still bound to see some kind of ad promoting some kind of product or service. After all, a business has to sell somehow and some way. Even in a rural area, whenever you’re traveling, chances are you’ll see all kinds of billboard signs advertising local businesses and services nearby. Some may even have public service announcements or political messages. Some may just promote products like fast food or beer. But whenever you travel, you’ll still see them. Nevertheless, you’ll come across some billboards with unique designs and funny slogans. And that’s where I come in. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasury of billboards that won’t make you bored to tears. Some of these may not be safe for work by the way.

  1. Come to Pedro’s south of the border.
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Not sure if using “sausage” is a good idea. Oh, I get it, it’s supposed to be “saw such.” My mistake.

2. Best to drive carefully through Branxton.

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Since it has 2 cemeteries and no hospital. So if you get injured, you’re out of luck.

3. Of course, some people just have to bring their personal lives out for everyone to see.

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Look, I know you’re hurting, Emily. But please, I think airing your anger on a billboard makes you seem like a crazy bitch.

4. Stop in at Big Dick’s Halfway Inn.

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Okay, this sounds kind of dirty for a rest stop. I’m sure “Original Minnow Shot” will have its own Urban Dictionary entry real soon.

5. With Esurance, you can cover your home in a click.

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Sure you might not see anything wrong with this message. But look at it from far away, and it says, “cover your home in a dick.”

6. This billboard was brought to you by Financial Arts, Inc.

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However, if you’re looking for anything silent but deadly, I don’t think their website will offer it. Though I don’t know what financial arts are anyway.

7. Pollo Tropical always offers island flavor.

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But they aren’t great choosing a font. Since the “island” part also reads bland, which won’t attract potential customers.

8. Your Local 5 is here when you need to know.

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Though the headline doesn’t help matters. Seriously, people might get the wrong idea.

9. Since you only live once, try to be happy.

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Brought to you by Wilks Funeral Home. Hey, at least they know how to cash in on a trend.

10. Spend your time at this golf range.

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This place boasts about great balls and grass. I know people might get the wrong idea.

11. If you need any help, call these guys.

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But what do these people do? Who are these people are? Seriously, I really don’t know.

12. Want to fly? Text while you drive.

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But I don’t think that kind of flying involves a plane. More likely involves a car crash.

13. Live the extreme with the Air Force Reserve.

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Since when did the Air Force do wind surfing? Not that I want to join since I don’t. But I need to know this.

14. Scandinavian Designs has their biggest sale ever.

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That woman doesn’t seem excited for some reason. In fact, she reminds me of a scream queen from a horror movie who’s freaked out about getting killed.

15. At Construct 2, we make computer games.

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Yet, this one seems to depict rather childish drawings. Perhaps they should’ve gone with state of the art graphics instead.

16. You can expect great care at Cancer Care Center.

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Don’t think that’s good for their ad campaign. Seriously, that pun goes nowhere.

17. Hope you can get a nice pair of these undies.

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Too bad this billboard ad was made by someone who couldn’t type. Seriously, the capitalization is nuts.

18. Lowe’s always takes care of unfinished projects.

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Well, at least Lowe’s knows how to advertise. Since that billboard looks unfinished to me.

19. She caught her cheating husband with state of the art equipment.

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I think ads like these belong on Craigslist. Not on billboards for all to see.

20. Cops hide here. So get a Mini Cooper.

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Sure the Mini Cooper is small. But an ad implying that cops hide behind the bushes is disturbing.

21. Want to see your teeth as we do? Go to Aspen Dental.

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I know she’s smiling. But it’s a frown upside down. That don’t look right.

22. Want to see the largest continent? Fly on Air Asia.

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Well, that’s a clever way to use puns. Hope it goes over the kids.

23. Got hemorrhoids? Tampa Proctology is at your service.

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Come in through the rear entrance. And please, no butt dials.

24. Want to enjoy Minnesota? Move to Wisconsin.

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Someone doesn’t seem to appreciate Minnesota very much. But this is from a Wisconsin real estate agency.

25. When burying your dead loved one, think outside the box.

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This is for a cemetery. But when they say to think outside the box, they usually don’t mean a coffin.

26. Don’t read enough? Try these audiobooks.

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I know some Americans may be offended by this. But this company is from Canada. Still, I’d replace the George W. Bush image with Donald Trump.

27. Your breasts won’t bounce with this bra.

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I don’t get the slogan. “Only the ball should bounce,” what the hell does that mean?

28. Seems like this billboard might’ve caused a car crash.