The Art of LEGO

Lego-e1520089244955-1080x640

They may be indestructible plastic blocks that hurt like hell when you step on them. But these colorful interlocking bricks from Denmark have had a special place in our hearts along with their yellow minifigure figurines. Since 1949, these bricks can be assembled and connected in a variety of ways to construct objects, vehicles, buildings, and even working robots. Anything built can be taken apart for another day. As of 2016, Lego has produced over 600 billion bricks while supporting movies, games, competitions, and 6 Legoland amusement parks have been developed under one of the world’s most powerful brands. And it’s because these bricks are so versatile that several people with too much time on their hands have turned the iconic LEGO into the realm of art with sculptures, models, dioramas, and mosaics. Many of these may imitate existing cultural artifacts and every day objects. Others have their own original design. But each is worth marveling at in its own way. So for your own reading pleasure, I give you a treasure trove of Lego works of art.

  1. You’d almost think Whistler’s mother would come to life in the brick.

Kind of seems a bit life size and 3-dimensional. But almost appears you’re in the room with her.

2. Perhaps a small Lego country church may suit you.

These Lego buildings can be small enough for a table top. While some can be large to take up a whole room. Also, there seems to be a wedding taking place here.

3. Try breaking off a piece of this Kit Kat Bar.

Sure you can’t eat it. Since it’s made out of plastic bricks. But it’s quite interesting to look at.

4. You’ll never have to water a Lego bonsai.

Such a delicate structure that you’d almost mistake it for the real thing. Yet, at least it’s easy to maintain since you don’t have to water it.

5. Feel free to color your world with these crayons.

Actually you can’t do that since they’re made of Legos. But one of them is slightly unwrapped.

6. Looks like Mt. Brick Helens has finally blown its top.

Got to like the Lego clouds. Wonder how the artist managed to keep the whole thing on balance.

7. You’d almost swear that this Lego King Tut façade is straight from Ancient Egypt.

Well, it’s certainly quite colorful. And King Tut seems like he’s smiling at this angle.

8. Perhaps you can use a lawn mower for your grass.

You’d almost think it was a real lawn mower. But it’s mostly made from Lego and can’t actually cut grass.

9. A Concorde jet can travel at supersonic speeds.

Unfortunately, you can’t fly on one of them. But you have to admire this LEGO model.

10. Live on Tape from the Brick Sullivan Theater in New York City, it’s Stephen Colbert.

Can’t get through the Trump Administration without this guy. Still, like how they use a pair of glasses for his Lego bust.

11. Bird lovers will enjoy this perched blue jay.

Indeed, this is a small creation. But it’s nonetheless lovely to look at. So pretty.

12. Take a glance at this Lego sailing ship.

This one has tall sails and a red hull. However, I have to admit it looks great on a shelf.

13. Be careful with this Ming vase.

Actually it’s made from sturdier stuff than porcelain. But you don’t want to drop it either.

14. Behold, the ruins of ancient Greece.

Wonder if this is supposed to be a Lego version of the Athenian acropolis. Nonetheless, it almost seems like the real thing.

15. “Help! There’s a giant gorilla climbing the Empire State Building!”

As we all remember that iconic scene from King Kong. And yes, it’s all in Lego and in a large warehouse.

16. Perhaps this ornate clock will tell you the time of day.

Yes, it’s a Lego cuckoo clock. But unlike what Harry Lime says in The Third Man, it wasn’t invented in Switzerland.

17. How about a bear head on your wall?

Don’t worry, it’s just made out of Lego bricks. Yet, it carries an expression of a bear in the headlights after it shit in the woods.

18. Here’s Sheriff Woody and Buzz Lightyear like you’ve never seen them before.

Since 1995, Woody and Buzz have been close friends and icons at Pixar and Disney. And they’re quite giant size in Lego.

19. If you love Virginia, take some time to see Thomas Jefferson’s beautiful Monticello.

Yes, it’s a scaled down Lego model. But you have to admire the close resemblance.

20. Care to explore this jungle waterfall?

Can’t believe you can make such a landscape with such bricks. Love the waterfall and trees.

21. This Lego moon base is out of this world.

Though it seems more like a galactic metropolis than anything. But it’s amazing to see with its colorful towers.

22. If you’re a fan of The Hobbit, you might enjoy this magnificent village.

It’s the village you see near the dwarf’s mountain city. You know the one that has Smaug and a shitload of treasure.

23. Anyone can admire a graceful Bald Eagle.

And it’s perched on a ledge. Still, it’s the animal symbol of the USA. And it’s no wonder.

24. All aboard to an exotic location on this Lego Cruise Line.

And yes, it’s surprisingly huge. But you really don’t want things going wrong on a cruise ship vacation.

25. If you’re from the Philippines, you’d smile at this Lego map.

It’s a map of the Philippines with some of it’s structures on it. I’m sure anyone from that country would enjoy this work of art.

26. This Lego Cinderella would outshine at any brick ball.

Well, she certainly has the Disney charm in her blue dress. But once she leaves her glass shoe, you’ll be scrambling to search for her.

27. Nobody can resist these Lego penguins.

Comprises of an adult emperor and chick. And yes, they’re just as adorable as the real thing.

28. A Lego Hogwarts castle is certainly a place for magic.

And yes, it’s simply massive as you can see. In some pictures, it even lights up.

29. Any Hobbit would love to live at Lego Bag End in the Shire.

Well, this is a small model. But it’s akin to a lovely hobbit hole in the countryside.

30. Dr. Seuss fans would rejoice with this Lego Sam I Am.

But I would rather not try his green eggs and ham. Because I don’t want to get any bad case of food poisoning.

31. This small Dresden cathedral seems almost heavenly.

Yes, it’s an amazing Lego replica. But I hear the rest of Dresden isn’t quite as picturesque.

32. You will thaw over this Lego polar bear mom with her cubs.

Too bad these beautiful creatures are losing their habitat due to climate change. Since they rely on the ice so much in their Arctic home which is melting at record rates.

33. I guess this is a modest dwelling for a samurai.

Sure it’s not as spectacular as the other Japanese Lego structures. But you have to love the garden and bridge on this.

34. You might gaze at the Washington Mall.

Of course, the Washington Mall is much bigger than that. Yet, this one includes the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument.

35. Anyone would marvel at this Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton.

This one has a nest of eggs. nearby. Yet, it’s a prehistoric Lego masterpiece.

36. Get a load of this giant Blackberry phone.

He even has his own face in the screen. And it’s all made out of Legos.

37. Check these Lego sculptures from a galaxy far, far away.

These consist of Darth Vader and Chewbacca. And I’m sure the Force is strong with them.

38. Anyone would love to have a moose mounted on their wall.

And it’s all made out of Lego bricks. Perfect for any cozy study or living room.

39. You don’t want to mess with the powerful Maleficent.

Since she can turn into a fire breathing dragon. And here’s a replica of her against Prince Philip.

40. Perhaps you might want to put some Legos under a microscope.

Well, this is a Lego microscope. Not sure if it works. But it’s quite cool to see.

41. Look no further for the seat of British power.

These are the Houses of Parliament and the seat of the British government, which Guy Fawkes tried to blow up. And yes, it includes the famous Big Ben Tower.

42. Care for a Lego Eggo for a complete breakfast?

Actually you don’t want to eat it since it’s made from Legos. But it has butter and syrup on it.

43. Wes Anderson fans would adore this Grand Budapest Hotel.

And yes, the Grand Budapest is in its exquisite 1930s decadent glory. Don’t ask about its concierge Gustave.

44. Didn’t know you can make a globe with plastic blocks.

You have to marvel at the exquisite detail, too. I mean the topography is almost top notch.

45. Had no idea that Santa’s workshop was an underground operation.

Has a whole assembly line and everything. And you’d think it was a lone house with a tree.

46. Explore the wonders of Lego Petra.

This is a replica of a palace that was built into a rock face. And its revelation has made it the stuff of legend.

47. You’d almost think this Starry Night mosaic is the work of a master.

Well, a master Lego artist copying from Van Gogh’s most famous work. And yes, it’s almost spot on in Lego.

48. No need to worry about this offshore oil rig.

Since it’s made of Legos and constructed just for show. So you won’t have to worry about a massive oil spill like Deepwater Horizon.

49. Someone must’ve crashed their plane.

Now they’re stranded in the wilderness and not sure where to go. But at least the plane didn’t explode upon landing in the trees.

50. With this Lego light bulb, you can light up the world.

Though you’d have to use a light bulb inside the light bulb. But it’s nonetheless amazing.

51. Want to drive this Ford Model T?

It’s more of a scaled down model made from Lego. But like the original, only available in black.

52. A rainbow pinwheel flower can always please.

And boy, what a large flower it is. Not sure if can actually turn though. But it’s pretty.

53. All aboard the RMS Titanic.

Actually, I’d rather not since I know what happened. Still, this Lego replica of the doomed ocean liner is immense.

54. You’ll probably have to assemble this one all by yourself.

Since it’s a Lego IKEA. You know the Swedish store for furniture you have to put together yourself.

55. 3, 2, 1, Houston, we have liftoff.

This is a Lego shuttle launch. Looks quite amazing in an indoor setting, doesn’t it?

56. Nobody could imagine this Lego map of the world.

This one includes the Earth’s topography. And yes, you can lay it down flat.

57. Lego American Gothic is a new twist on an iconic masterpiece.

This is in a similar mode as Whistler’s Mother. And yes, it’s quite spot on.

58. Ride along the river with this golden dragon boat.

Guess this is a Lego replica of a royal barge. Not sure where this is supposed to be from.

59. If you’re a Warhol fan, you might appreciate this Lego mosaic.

That’s the iconic Campbell Soup picture if you’re wondering. Had to include this since Warhol was a native of Pittsburgh.

60. Wonder how many are in this nesting doll.

This is a Lego Russian nesting doll. I’m sure you’ll find plenty of smaller ones inside another.

61. Perhaps you might want to live in a treehouse near a waterfall.

Indeed, it gives a rather breathtaking view. But this Lego replica can just as well be a work of art.

62. Please stop and smell the roses or tulips. I’m not sure what these are.

Since Lego flowers can be hard to identify. But they’re nonetheless pretty.

63. “That’s one small step for man..”

Care to salute a Lego astronaut? Wonder if he’s almost life size.

64. A majestic hawk can always spread its wings.

Wonder what kind of hawk this is supposed to be. Since it seems incredibly huge to be life size.

65. If you’re the proper sort, you might like Lego Downton Abbey.

Yes, there’s a Lego Downton Abbey. And I’m sure you’ll be pissed if any of the minifigs die, too.

66. Lego Santa Claus wishes you a Merry Christmas.

And he on a wintry backdrop. Still, he’s quite lifelike and life-size.

67. Lego Captain America is Marvel’s patriotic champion.

Yet, I wonder why he can’t save us from our country’s biggest threat. Like Donald Trump in the White House. Oh, wait, he’s a fictional character.

68. Set your hands on this Greek column.

Well, it’s a Lego column. And yes, it’s quite Ionic if you ask me.

69. You’d almost think you were inside a mummy’s tomb.

However, these are all made out of Legos. But the resemblance is quite close.

70. A Lego Vatican is the answer God has been waiting for.

This was made by a priest, by the way. But it’s nonetheless spectacular.

71. A Moai statue will surely please admirers.

We’re still not sure why the people of Easter Island erected these massive statues. But you can’t help but appreciate this.

72. Even Jabba the Hutt can’t resist this Han Solo in carbonite.

Yes, there’s even a Lego version for that. And yes, it’s almost life size.

73. While Harry isn’t at Hogwarts, he loves spending summers at the Weasley’s Burrow.

The Burrow may not be the most stable place. But it’s home to the Weasleys. Still, this is a great Lego replica.

74. Want to shoot some pool?

And yes, these are all made from Legos. Not sure if you can actually play with these. But they’re quite cool.

75. Travel the Mississippi River on this quaint old steamship.

While it may evoke feelings of nostalgia for a bygone time, these were very dangerous in their day. Seriously, these were prone to fires.

76. Of course, I had to include a Renaissance masterpiece.

This is the Mona Lisa in Lego form. And her smile is as enigmatic as ever.

77. Anyone want to enjoy a turkey dinner?

And yes, it seems to look quite good. Though you wouldn’t want to eat it. Care for a drumstick?

78. You have to admire these colorful parrots.

They’re even on a Lego ledge. But don’t try to get either to talk.

79. Anyone in Paris can appreciate the Arch de Triomphe.

It’s one of the most famous landmarks in Paris. After the Eiffel Tower, the Lourve, and Notre Dame Cathedral, of course.

80. Abu Simbel is a temple fit for a Pharaoh.

The temple was built by Ramses II, by the way. But this is a replica in Legoland.

81. “Someday we’ll find it, the Lego connection…”

Yes, this is Lego Kermit the Frog with a banjo. Built for the lovers, the dreamers, and me.

82. You’d be tickled by this silly old bear.

This is a Lego Winnie the Pooh. Such an inoffensive character yet he’s somehow banned in China.

83. Best you beware of this ferocious Tiger.

This one even has fangs. But it’s harmless since it’s made out of Lego.

84. Indiana Jones has just come from an epic adventure.

Wonder what kind of ancient structure he had to destroy to get that trinket. Yes, I know it belongs in a museum.

85. Care to ride in this rainbow hot air balloon?

However, I’m not sure it can float up in the air. Because hard plastic can be rather dense.

86. This Lego family is just taking a rest.

This is from a Legoland, by the way. But they seem a rather happy family.

87. Try launching this rocket, NASA.

This is a Lego replica of a Saturn V. The rocket used to launch astronauts to the moon.

88. Bet you can’t catch this Roadrunner.

And Wiley Coyote would know more than anything. Since he’s been through hell and back trying to catch this impossible bird.

89. Lo and behold, He has risen!

Here’s Lego Jesus in front of a stained glass window. And yes, he’s glorified within the white brick.

90. Anyone would be mesmerized by this snowy owl.

Don’t worry. It won’t claw or bite you. Nor will it deliver your mail.

91. Even if it leans, the Tower of Pisa will still stand.

This is a Lego version of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Since it was built on rather unsteady ground.

92. Nobody could resist this ornery and adorable BB8.

BB8 is basically R2-D2 on steroids. And yes, he’s quite versatile and feisty.

93. Beware of the dreaded monster of the deep.

Yes, the Lego shark is ferocious with its sharp teeth. But it won’t hurt anyone.

94. Feel free to walk around the US Capitol.

This is the Lego US Capitol. Note the lack of protestors. Still, it looks magnificent.

95. At Legoland, your wedding will have a cake like this.

Well, it’s a Lego wedding cake that will only be used for decoration. Because hard plastic isn’t edible.

96. Many Bothams died building this.

Actually, that’s the wrong Death Star. But if you’re building a Lego Alderaan, you might want to stay clear of this guy.

97. With a castle like this, dreams will come true.

This is a Lego replica of Cinderella’s castle at Disney World. It also appears on the Disney logo.

98. Mt. Olympus is reputed to be the home of the gods.

Well, the gods of Ancient Greece. A dysfunctional family of jerks who commit incest and do whatever they damn well please no matter. Just don’t tell them you’re better than them and they will put you through hell.

99. Haiga Sophia is the jewel of Constantinople (now Istanbul).

It’s an architectural marvel known to withstand earthquakes. Nonetheless, you have to love the massive dome and minarets.

100. This painting is well worth a scream.

It’s a Lego version of Edvard Munch’s The Scream. And it’s 3-dimensional, too.

Advertisements

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Fourth Edition)

f51af0cdd7a0b9d22b9a7110.L

After Thanksgiving, it’s not unusual to hear Christmas music played in stores as well as on several radio stations. And if you work in the service industry, you’re probably sick of hearing Christmas songs already, especially if they make your ears bleed. Of course, you may also see an array of Christmas albums by some of your favorite recording artists who worked on them during the summer. In some ways, recording a Christmas album might seem like a good idea. After all, some artists have recorded songs that have become holiday classics. Yet, other times a Christmas album might come across as a way to make money and will probably end up in the discount rack at a store near you. Nevertheless, as with any albums, Christmas albums come in a wide variety of covers. Some of them could seem tame like the Johnny Mathis cover above. But others come in covers that are hysterically tacky or in very poor taste. And in that case, you might wonder why anyone though such a design was a good idea. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas album covers.

  1. Gisele MacKenzie: Christmas with Gisele

Apparently, the dogs seem to have others ideas. Also, is she hugging a fur coat?

There’s nothing better than spending Christmas with your dogs.

2. RuPaul: Ho Ho Ho

I’m sure this yuletide drag routine is fine for RuPaul’s Drag Race. But for a Christmas album? Not so much. Also, the title doesn’t help matters either.

Evidently, RuPaul has tried to make forays into the Christmas music scene.

3. Yoko Ono: An Xmas Message from Yoko 1991

This doesn’t seem to be very Christmasy. Nothing here seems to inspire good cheer at all. Just a vast blackness.

Yoko would like to say something for the holiday season.

4. Bette Midler: Cool Yule

Bette Midler looks as if she’s about select tributes on Reaping Day. Not celebrate Christmas.

Didn’t know that Bette Midler was a fan of the Hunger Games.

5. God Jul Onskar

Though Towa couldn’t seem to eke a smile since a fly had been buzzing around her. This was the best she could do.

The whole gang would like to wish you holiday greetings.

6. Liberace: Christmas at Liberace’s

Then again, Santa was probably expecting a gaudy palace. And he was disappointed that he came to surprisingly normal furnishings.

Somehow Santa Claus wasn’t impressed by Liberace’s Christmas decorations.

7. John Travolta and Olivia Newton John: This Christmas

Guess the chemistry they had in Grease has evaporated. Also, is that John’s real hair?

I guess this is the Grease reunion none of us wanted.

8. Jingle Cats: Here Comes Santa Claws

Can’t believe you’d find another cat singing album. Still, the cat on the guitar is hilarious.

For those wanting to listen to cats screeching to holiday favorites, this is for you.

9. The Clancy Brothers: Christmas

Don’t seem to have any Christmas decorations here. But you have a couple glaring Irish stereotypes.

There’s nothing better than spending Christmas in an Irish pub.

10. Mojo Nixon and the Toadliquors: Horny Holidays

Yeah, that guy seems more suited for a sex offender list than a Christmas album cover. And no, the Santa hat and beard doesn’t help.

Merry Christmas, from your local neighborhood sexual deviant.

11. Bob Ward: Merry Christmas, Especially for You

No, I don’t think the girls like Bob from accounting because he plays the organ. Rather it’s because he spends his lunch breaks creeping in the ladies room.

Because nothing makes the holidays like a creepy bald guy playing Christmas music on his organ.

12. A Brass Band Christmas

I’m sure the music is good. But depicting instruments as cartoon characters is more appropriate for a kids’ album.

We all know how brass guys stick together during the holidays.

13. Afroman: Jobe Bells

Though I do think seeing the reindeer with a cigarette is quite amusing. Then again, maybe that explains the look on Santa’s face.

Apparently, this Santa’s breaking all the rules.

14. Bob Kames: Organ and Chimes

From Music Radar: “As far as we know, this is the only one that looks like a carefully posed backwoods murder scene.” Caption reads: “Bob Kames, now in the Black Lodge forever.”

For Christmas would never be without a small decorated tree in the woods.

15.   Anne Sofie von Otter: Home for Christmas

From Classic FM: “OK, so there’s a massive ghost version of ASVO, a creepy beach scene and a child on some sort of weird camping chair being pushed by an unknown adult. If that’s Christmas in the Otter household, we dread to think what happens at New Year.”

Christmas is always about spending time with family.

16. Bad Religion: Christmas Songs

Though why a boy would be exhilarated to receive a new pair of loafers is beyond me. Seriously, that’s a face of a boy who gets an Xbox.

After all, Christmas is about the joy of giving.

17. Canadian Brass: Christmas Time Is Here

From Classic FM: “We can’t fault the repertoire on this album, but the horrifying cover art is all over the place. And you’d think they’d get cold, gaily larking about on that incredibly realistic ice rink.”

Apparently, their rendition of A Charlie Brown Christmas wasn’t a rousing success.

18. Cheeky Girls: Have a Cheeky Christmas

From Official Charts: “It’s never inappropriate for two grown women to straddle a man dressed as Santa, is it?” Either way, Santa doesn’t seem to mind.

Apparently, Santa thinks these two have been very good this year.

19. Kiri Te Kanawa: Christmas with Kiri Te Kanawa

From Classic FM: “Dame Kiri is so excited about Christmas this year that she’s decided to wear nothing but Christmas decorations.” Kind of makes sense.

On Christmas it helps if a diva always shimmers.

20. Christmas with the Choral Scholars of King’s College, Cambridge 

From Classic FM: “What do you mean we forgot to do the album artwork? Oh never mind, just knock something together with MS Paint, no-one will know. Clip-art’s really popular now anyway.”

Enjoy the season with the sound from the Cambridge University choir.

21. Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton: Once Upon a Christmas

From Music Radar: “This country coming-together is a spin-off from another Christmas special, CBS’ Kenny & Dolly: A Christmas To Remember from 1984. It’s also the exact moment at which Dolly Parton stopped aging – that mounted reindeer shows more wear from the last quarter century than the miniature dynamo.”

For nothing makes a country Christmas during the 1980s like a collaboration album with Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton.

22. Dapper Laughs: Proper Naughty Xmas

From Official Charts: “We don’t really have much to say about this absolute monstrosity but you can’t keep using ‘it’s cold’ as an excuse, Dapper…”

Please tell me that guy’s at least wearing underwear.

23. Donny Osmond: Christmas at Home

Donny Osmond here seems like he’d rather spend the holidays outside in the freezing cold than spend time with his family. And we thought the Osmonds were a happy bunch.

There’s no place like home for the holidays, unless perhaps you’re Donny Osmond.

24. Evie: Come on, Ring Those Bells

That way, if you don’t want to snuggle with her, she’ll hack you to pieces and feed you to the fire. Now isn’t that nice?

Evie always enjoys spending Christmas by warm fire.

25. Explosivo Tropical Bristol

And you can definitely see he tan lines as the tinsel and ornaments cover her naughty bits. Still, I’m sure this is part of a marketing ploy.

Season’s greetings from some hotel room in Mexico for some reason.

26. Fast Food Rockers: I Love Christmas

What do you mean this was from 2003? And it reached 25 on the charts? They also have a music video on YouTube which appears straight out of an acid trip. And yes, it’s as bad as you think.

For we all know how winter’s the perfect time for 1980s cartoon cosplay.

27. Hanson: Snowed In

Seems like these guys got caught up in the Christmas lights. Thankfully, they didn’t suffer any injuries. But none seem happy about it.

Who knew that these Hanson brothers sucked at Christmas decorating?

28. Hollywood Bowl Symphony Orchestra: Great Orchestral Music of Christmas

Apparently, while Santa bestows presents to all the girls and boys, he also tends to kidnap a few of them. Yes, definitely an album cover to induce trauma and nightmares.

There’s always a certain nostalgia with meeting Santa at the mall while on a bad LSD trip.

29. Ice-T: Christmas with Ice-T

Even Santa thinks this is ridiculous. Yeah, Ice-T, I think you’re an embarrassment by this point.

Uh, Ice-T, I think you’re way too old to sit on Santa’s lap.

30. Woody Phillips: A Toolbox Christmas

From Music Radar: “The cover to this gourd music monster looks like a soft-focus snuff movie before the messy part begins. The noise is even worse: it sounds a bit like real music, in the same way a tongueless dog howling at the moon sounds like a trained choirist. See?”

After all, why tinker in the garage without hearing the sounds of the holidays?

31. Jimi Hendrix: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Still, he doesn’t seem to wear the Santa suit well. Then again, this seems like a contractual obligation.

Hendrix had a Christmas album? Wonder what that sounds like.

32. Sing Along with Marcy: Christmas with Marcy

Though she could just as easily throw her cat on her lap into the fire. Don’t think this album’s full of good cheer at all.

Christmas is a time of year when you snuggle with your loved ones by the fire.

33. Motorhead: Ace of Spades Christmas Edition

One of these Santas is giving the finger. And no, you don’t want to know what’s under their robes. Also, is that cage in the background?

This year, Santa’s on the naughty list.

34. Mr. Hankey: Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics

Though to be fair, there are a lot of shitty Christmas albums out there. It’s just this one’s sung by a someone who knows he’s crap.

Nothing says Christmas like music coming from a literal turd.

35. New Kids on the Block: Merry, Merry Christmas

Though one of these guys looks as if he’s getting strangled by his scarf. Way to go, guys.

New Kids on the Block always enjoy sledding during the holidays.

36. A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records

This is said to be 142 on Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Albums of all time. However, since it was produced by Phil Spector, the imagery seems rather unsettling in hindsight. Because we all know that Spector would later go to prison for murder.

Each of their groups comes literally gift wrapped.

37. Joe Gibbs Family of Artists: Reggae Christmas

Yet, instead of decorating a Christmas tree, Jamaicans use a pot plant, which kind of works. Okay, maybe not. Still, is it any wonder why we associate reggae music with marijuana?

Apparently, Christmas is a very high time in Jamaica.

38. Scott Weiland: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It seems like this guy’s in a dark alley to get some bootleg albums for his family. Doesn’t seem to have a smile emanating good cheer.

Though Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, his expression says otherwise.

39. Ringo Starr: I Wanna Be Santa Claus

From Music Radar: “Keeping up the collaborative theme, the album art was apparently designed through a colouring competition in McDonalds.” Also, this is from 1999?

Sorry, Ringo, but you seem to look more like the Grinch.

40. Tavin Pumarejo with his Tuna Fish: Trullando en Navidad

I’m not sure waht that has to do with Christmas. But I won’t be surprise if he’s tripping balls by now.

There’s nothing like Christmas like spending time with your dear uh, tuna fish.

41. Horacio Samalot: La Trifuca

To be fair, I’m sure this album was made somewhere in Latin America. But still, Santa and the 3 Wise Men? That can’t be right.

Santa always enjoys to play outside with the Three Wise Men for some reason.

42. Charlie the Hamster with Floyd Robinson: Charlie the Hamster Sing Christmas Songs with Floyd Robinson

There they are in the back of Santa’s sleigh. And it seems that Santa just took notice.

Great we have a Christmas album sung by a hamster.

43. Jul med Yngve Stoor

However, he appears to be sporting a sunburn while he’s playing a guitar. Also, no one wants to see him in a swimsuit.

Santa always enjoys riding the waves in the Pacific.

44. The Most Fabulous Classical Christmas Album Ever

From Classic FM: “We know, we know, it’s not right to play the ‘highbrow’ card when it comes to classical music. But really. Poodles? A sun with a face on it? A sequined sack with a cello coming out of it? Many, many composers are turning in their graves.”

For nothing makes a classical Christmas like a woman in a short dress and poodles on the roof.

45. Howdy Doody’s Christmas Party

Howdy Doody was a popular kid’s show in the 1950s. Though I totally understand if you think it was a horror show with killer clowns and dolls that would haunt your dreams.

Enjoy Christmas with Howdy Doody and his friends, kids.

46. The Yobs: Christmas Album

I’m sure this is kind of intentional. Still, it’s guaranteed to at least offend someone, which is kind of the point.

Seems like these guys are doing everything to get on the naughty list.

47. Christmas Dubstep

Looking at this, you’d think the North Pole was run the same way as the Playboy Mansion. Also, I don’t think yuletide lingerie can keep you from freezing to death in sub zero temperature. But Santa likes what he sees.

Kind of traumatizing to see Santa’s workshop as a sex dungeon.

48. Vienna Boys Choir: Christmas in Vienna

From Classic FM: “You know, this one wouldn’t be so bad if they actually looked like they were enjoying themselves. Even the dog looks clinically fed-up.”

Though the Vienna Boys themselves don’t seem quite merry this time.

49. Kim Se-Hwan: Merry Christmas

From Music Radar: “Normally, skiing without a helmet is considered dangerous, but Kim’s side parting is resin-coated and is strong enough to withstand bullets even when fired from close range.”

You can’t have Christmas in South Korea without some tinsel.

50. Rotary Connection: Peace

Okay, those heads are photoshopped to dolls. Guaranteed to inspire some yuletide nightmares during the season. Yeah, that really creeps me out.

Let’s hope those people on Santa’s lap are elves.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Third Edition)

photo

During the summer time, while the rest of us are having fun in the sun and possibly going on vacation if they’re lucky, many of your favorite celebrity music performers are busy recording their Christmas albums. So by this time, they’d be ready for sale this holiday season so you and your loved ones can enjoy some holiday favorites. Of course, Christmas albums have been all the rage for a very long time. I ought to know since I already completed two posts of some of the bad covers. And I decided to do another since the depth of bad Christmas album covers is endless. Sure you might find them horrifying beyond description like a trainwreck or this year’s election (which saw an unrespectable man ascend to the presidency and over 60 million people were conned into voting for him). Yet, you might some unintentionally funny. And if you’re over a certain age, you might find some Christmas album covers on here that you’d rather forget. So for your holiday reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of horrendous Christmas albums from yesterday.

  1. Dr. Duke Tumatoe: It’s Christmas
Yet, there's a blurb that says, "(Let's have sex)." As if I think a guy like that in a Santa suit is sexy. Not.

Yet, there’s a blurb that says, “(Let’s have sex).” As if I think a guy like that in a Santa suit is sexy. Actually, it’s kind of creepy.

An album featuring a dancing Santa is always a delight to look at.

2. Bob Dylan: Sings Holiday Favorites

Yeah, that Santa hat is totally photoshopped. Also, Dylan, if you should release a Christmas album the next time, let it be one where you write the songs.

Yeah, that Santa hat is totally photoshopped. Also, Dylan, if you should release a Christmas album the next time, let it be one where you write the songs.

If you like Christmas music and crave the nasal voices of folk rock, this album is for you.

3. Garth Brooks: Garth Brooks & the Magic of Christmas

So I guess that Garth Brooks moonlights as a fortune teller. Or some sort of dark seer bandit from the Old West.

So I guess that Garth Brooks moonlights as a fortune teller. Or some sort of dark seer bandit from the Old West.

If you’re into Christmas, country, and the occult supernatural, Garth Brooks got you covered.

4. Raymond Lefevre and His Orchestra: Merry Christmas

That stack of presents doesn't look steady and seems about ready to fall. But the woman in here doesn't seem upset about it at all. She just keeps smiling.

That stack of presents doesn’t look steady and seems about ready to fall. But the woman in here doesn’t seem upset about it at all. She just keeps smiling.

This album cover shows you can never carry enough presents in your hands.

5. 38 Special: A Wild-Eyed Christmas

Okay, eyeball ornaments are utterly creepy and not suited for Christmas at all. So why did they think this album cover was a good idea?

Okay, eyeball ornaments are utterly creepy and not suited for Christmas at all. So why did they think this album cover was a good idea?

During the yuletide season, even the ornaments have their eyes on you.

6. Kenny Chesney: All I Want For Christmas Is a Real Assed Tan

I heard that Kenny Chesney used a similar photo shot for his audition for Magic Mike but was rejected. So he decided to go for a variation for his Christmas album.

I heard that Kenny Chesney used a similar photo shot for his audition for Magic Mike but was rejected. So he decided to go for a variation for his Christmas album. Still, spending time on the beach isn’t Christmas to me.

Because nothing says a country Christmas like wintering in Boca Raton.

7. John Waters: A John Waters Christmas

To be fair, he's more of a dark comic writer. Yet, if there's a fire in your house, you just have to do something about it. Like get a fire extinguisher and call 911.

To be fair, he’s more of a dark comic writer. Yet, if there’s a fire in your house, you just have to do something about it. Like get a fire extinguisher and call 911.

For John Waters not even a fire among the presents will keep him from enjoying the holiday season.

8. The Mistletoe Disco Band: Christmas Disco

Yes, Christmas disco albums do exist. But at least this album didn't feature Santa Claus in a red polyester suit. Because that would've been worse.

Yes, Christmas disco albums do exist. But at least this album didn’t feature Santa Claus in a red polyester suit. Because that would’ve been worse.

Now you can listen to your Christmas favorites to the sound that reminds you of the 1970s or Europeans.

9. Chabelo: Chabelo en Navidad

Sure he'll freeze his ass off in these clothes. But to add insult to injury, he's also wearing socks with sandals. You know committing one of the cardinal sins of fashion.

Sure he’ll freeze his ass off in these clothes during the winter. But to add insult to injury, he’s also wearing socks with sandals. You know committing one of the cardinal sins of fashion.

For there is no better winter attire than your golf course attire in May.

10. Les Chaussettes Noires

It's even funnier that they're dressed with red capes on their heads and robes. It's like they're dressed in a cross between Merlin and Santa Claus. Yes, it's kind of weird.

It’s even funnier that they’re dressed with red capes on their heads and robes. It’s like they’re dressed in a cross between Merlin and Santa Claus. Yes, it’s kind of weird.

Ever imagined a Santa rock band? Now you don’t need to.

11. Christmas Disco Party

Yeah, Santa, wait until Mrs. Claus finds out about you and that blonde. Boy, you're sleeping in the doghouse tonight.

Yeah, Santa, wait until Mrs. Claus finds out about you and that blonde. Boy, you’re sleeping in the doghouse tonight.

That moment when Santa comes to his senses that fooling around with a dancing swimsuit model might put him on the naughty list.

12. Midnight String Quartet: Christmas Rhapsodies for Young Lovers

Sure they may list traditional hits. But the vibes I get from this picture is "Baby It's Cold Outside."

Sure they may list traditional hits. But the vibes I get from this picture is “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” You know the one where the woman wants to go home while the guy wants her to stay and well, you get the idea.

Finally, a the kind of Christmas album that can get 20-somethings in the mood for romance.

13. Liberace: Twas the Night Before Christmas

So what did Liberace do to get a coat of so much fur? Shoot a polar bear? Seems reasonable enough.

So what did Liberace do to get a coat of so much fur? Shoot a polar bear? Seems reasonable enough.

Because it Can’t be Christmas without seeing Liberace in his long fur coat of glory.

14. Gayla Peevey: I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

You probably remember the song on this album. But at least the cover goes to great lengths why any child shouldn't want a hippopotamus for Christmas. I mean hippos kill more people in Africa than lions.

You probably remember the song on this album. But at least the cover goes to great lengths why any child shouldn’t want a hippopotamus for Christmas. I mean hippos kill more people in Africa than lions.

For nothing makes a girl jump for joy on Christmas than a scarily dressed hippo that could eat her alive.

15. Sufjan Stevens: Sufjan Stevens Presents Astral Interplanetary Space Captain Christmas Infinity Voyage

Too bad the space captain will probably suffocate in there and die. Since a turban won't protect him in the vacuum of space. Also, that's not Sufjan Stevens.

Too bad the space captain will probably suffocate in there and die. Since a turban won’t protect him in the vacuum of space. Also, that’s not Sufjan Stevens.

Sufjan Stevens would like to wish you all Merry Christmas from space.

16. Lawrence Welk: Christmas Memories

My dad used to dread watching Lawrence Welk when he was a kid. Looking at this album cover, I can totally understand why. He seems like he could break into your house and kill you with an accordion any moment.

My dad used to dread watching Lawrence Welk when he was a kid. Looking at this album cover, I can totally understand why. He seems like he could break into your house and kill you with an accordion any moment.

Nothing says Christmas like bandleader being a massive creep in his Santa suit.

17. Merry Cajun Christmas Volume Two

Uh, doesn't Santa have a sleigh that he doesn't need to row among gators? Or creepy banjo players? Seriously, he has a flying reindeer pulled sleigh for God's sake!

Uh, doesn’t Santa have a sleigh that he doesn’t need to row among gators? Or creepy banjo players? Seriously, he has a flying reindeer pulled sleigh for God’s sake!

Santa Claus has to be a brave man to deliver presents to the boys and girls while dodging a river of hungry gators.

18. Eartha Kitt: Santa Baby

At least Eartha Kitt's pose sitting on Santa's lap doesn't shy away from what the song is about. Of course, Mrs. Claus wouldn't approve.

At least Eartha Kitt’s pose sitting on Santa’s lap doesn’t shy away from what the song is about. Of course, Mrs. Claus wouldn’t approve.

For some women just can’t help but think Santa Claus as the ultimate sugar daddy.

19. Afroman: Afroman’s Colt 45 Christmas: Original Uncut Version

This Christmas album cover is kind of depressing if you ask me. It could just as well be used for the soundtrack to The Wire.

This Christmas album cover is kind of depressing if you ask me. It seems like a more appropriate cover for the soundtrack to the Wire, than on anything to do with the holidays.

As we know Christmas can be a time of cold weather and cold malt liquor.

20. Cyndi Lauper: Merry Christmas….Have a Nice Life!

Guess she's thinking, "Oh, God, why did they make me do this? And how long do I have to sit next to this red suited creep?"

Guess she’s thinking, “Oh, God, why did they make me do this? And how long do I have to sit next to this red suited creep?”

For some reason, Cyndi Lauper always dreaded visiting Santa at the mall.

21. The Hiltonaires with the Tony Mansell Singers: Swingin’ in a Winter Wonderland

Don't ask me but Sant seems a bit pervy toward that girl in this one. And I'm not sure how old this girl is. Sure hope she's 18.

Don’t ask me but Sant seems a bit pervy toward that girl in this one. And I’m not sure how old this girl is. Sure hope she’s 18.

Santa Claus always enjoys dancing with skimpy clad women around the Christmas tree.

22. The Pac Man Christmas Story

So I guess this story consists of gorging through a maze without being seen by goblins. Because that's what the game is like.

So I guess this story consists of gorging through a maze without being seen by goblins. Because that’s what the game is like. Yet, this suggests otherwise.

Ever wish you had a Christmas album of an Atari video game. Look no further.

23. Student Nurses Sing the Season In

Hits include: "They Three Drunks of SantaCon Are," "Bedpans We Have Heard on High," "I'll Be On Call for Christmas," and "Away in a Gurney." You know stuff nurses have to deal with over the holidays.

Hits include: “They Three Drunks of SantaCon Are,” “Bedpans We Have Heard on High,” “I’ll Be On Call for Christmas,” and “Away in a Gurney.” You know stuff nurses have to deal with over the holidays.

For nothing brings bright holiday cheer than student nurses singing Christmas carols.

24. What Can You Get a Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?)

Yes, they did songs like these back in the day. They even had a Star Wars Christmas special. Still, this cover of Chewbacca is hilarious.

Yes, they did songs like these back in the day. They even had a Star Wars Christmas special. Still, this cover of Chewbacca is hilarious.

Uh, I can guess a set of hair brushes and combs suited for musk oxen. Or a vacuum to clean up after himself?

25. Henry Mancini, His Orchestra, and Chorus: A Merry Mancini Christmas

Still, it doesn't seem like the who crew really wants to participate. His daughter next to his wife seems like she's dragged into doing the stupid photoshoot and feels like the kids at school will make fun at her for it. On the bright side, I hope it has some Christmas songs in the Pink Panther or Peter Gunn theme. That would be awesome.

Still, it doesn’t seem like the who crew really wants to participate. His daughter next to his wife seems like she’s dragged into doing the stupid photoshoot and feels like the kids at school will make fun at her for it. On the bright side, I hope it has some Christmas songs in the Pink Panther or Peter Gunn theme. That would be awesome.

Of course, when you’re a famous composer it helps to put your family on the Christmas album cover.

26. Universal Robot Band: Disco Christmas

This whole album design seems like it was madeby someone on acid. Because nothing about it makes any logical sense.

This whole album design seems like it was madeby someone on acid. Because nothing about it makes any logical sense.

Listen to the songs that would make Santa and his reindeer boogie this holiday season in space.

27. Pepsi Feliz Navidad!

Okay, I know they're drinking pop. But did they really have to show kids drinking from wine glasses? Because it looks like a classic case of underage drinking.

Okay, I know they’re drinking pop, not red wine. But did they really have to show kids drinking from wine glasses? Because it looks like a classic case of underage drinking.

The holidays are always a time of year to give a toast to new beginnings.

28. Lawrence Welk: Merry Christmas from Lawrence Welk and His Champagne Music

Because if his nightmarish face didn't scare you, note his tree seems covered in cobwebs. And no, that sight doesn't make me merry.

Because if his nightmarish face didn’t scare you, note his tree seems covered in cobwebs. And no, that sight doesn’t make me merry.

Merry Christmas from the creepy bandleader your grandparents probably like and his nightmare before Christmas tree.

29. Le Vrai Pere Noel Chante

That kid in buckskin really doesn't look like an Indian. And I'm not sure about the kid in Asian dress either. Also, the Santa with these kids is guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

That kid in buckskin really doesn’t look like an Indian. And I’m not sure about the kid in Asian dress either. Also, the Santa with these kids is guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

Think of it as a Village People children’s Christmas album but more racist.

30. Leon Russell: Moonlight & Love Songs

To be fair, the late Leon Russell did perform at Woodstock and was renowned in his own right. But his Christmas album makes him seem like Santa who knows that you've been really bad this year. Not sure why the dog is here.

To be fair, the late Leon Russell did perform at Woodstock and was renowned in his own right. But his Christmas album makes him seem like Santa who knows that you’ve been really bad this year. Not sure why the dog is here.

There’s nothing like it on Christmas than posing for an album with the dog that best matches your beard in a black background.

31. Charles Bronson: Twas the Night Before Bronson

I find it hard to imagine a guy like Charles Bronson having a Christmas album unless it includes anything revenge oriented. Also, that Christmas hat doesn't help matters at all.

I find it hard to imagine a guy like Charles Bronson having a Christmas album unless it includes anything revenge oriented. Also, that Christmas hat doesn’t help matters at all.

Now you can hear action star Charles Bronson sing your holiday favorites.

32. Antonio Fargas: It’s Christmas

On Starsky and Hutch, Huggy Bear was a police informant who talked jive and was ethically ambiguous. He also dressed flashy and operated his own bar. You can guess where this is going....

On Starsky and Hutch, Huggy Bear was a police informant who talked jive and was ethically ambiguous. He also dressed flashy and operated his own bar. You can guess where this is going….

Fans of Starsky and Hutch will certainly like this Christmas album from Huggy Bear.

33. Michala Petri: Noel! Noel! Noel! Christmas with Michala Petri

It's said Ms. Petri has her choir boys to surround her in order to keep her warm as she plays her bassoon. Yeah, I know the snowy backdrop bit doesn't make sense.

It’s said Ms. Petri has her choir boys to surround her in order to keep her warm as she plays her bassoon. Yeah, I know the snowy backdrop bit doesn’t make sense.

Nothing says Christmas like a singer surrounded by choir boys in a snowy mountain backdrop.

34. Roger Whittaker: The Roger Whittaker Christmas Album

If it weren't for that fur coat, you'd think this man would just be some guy on the street who's secretly a serial killer. Then again, maybe I assume too much.

If it weren’t for that fur coat, you’d think this man would just be some guy on the street who’s secretly a serial killer. Then again, maybe I assume too much.

Or the kind of album you’d expect to be made by that freaky guy in accounting.

35. Tijuana Voices with Brass: Sing Merry Christmas

However, according to the album, they even suggest that Tijuana women are known for their distinctive mustaches. Don't say we didn't warn you.

However, according to the album, they even suggest that Tijuana women are known for their distinctive mustaches. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Christmas time is always a festive occasion in Tijuana, Mexico.

36. Exciting Christmas Stories

Batman looks as if he has rabies while Wondy and Superman don't seem concerned about it. Okay, he's wearing a Santa beard. But still, it's disturbing.

Batman looks as if he has rabies while Wondy and Superman don’t seem concerned about it. Okay, he’s wearing a Santa beard. But still, it’s disturbing.

Kids, share your Christmas by listening to tales about your favorite DC Comics superheroes.

37. Elton John: Elton John’s Christmas Party

Uh, Elton, I like your music and all. But I think we're all a bit freaked out about you having a record at your crotch. Just letting you know.

Uh, Elton, I like your music and all. But I think we’re all a bit freaked out about you having a record at your crotch. Just letting you know.

Celebrate Christmas with the music of the legendary Sir Elton John.

38. Liberace: Christmas Memories

Now I can understand why Liberace decides to dress in lavish furs at the piano. Yeah, too gangster.

Now I can understand why Liberace decides to dress in lavish furs at the piano. Yeah, too gangster.

Those who want to see Liberace dressed as Nucky Thompson need not look further.

39. Wham!: Last Christmas

From First Draft: "Poor Andrew Ridgely. Wasn’t it bad enough to be George Michael’s sidekick? They had to make the poor bastard a reindeer. I hope no Norwegian tried to eat him. That would not be Whamtastic."

From First Draft: “Poor Andrew Ridgely. Wasn’t it bad enough to be George Michael’s sidekick? They had to make the poor bastard a reindeer. I hope no Norwegian tried to eat him. That would not be Whamtastic.”

Fans of George Michael might enjoy listening to the earworm sappy Christmas song that’s annoying as hell. Seriously, I hate this song with a passion.

40. Garvis

From Turntabling: "I don’t even want to know what THIS bunch is on about. It looks like a prison lineup, but ESPECIALLY the guy on the far left. What the hell’s going on in THIS gent’s head? Images of sugarplums, no doubt, slicing up the neighborhood winos and barbecuing pets on a wood stove."

From Turntabling: “I don’t even want to know what THIS bunch is on about. It looks like a prison lineup, but ESPECIALLY the guy on the far left. What the hell’s going on in THIS gent’s head? Images of sugarplums, no doubt, slicing up the neighborhood winos and barbecuing pets on a wood stove.”

Because Christmas can’t get more into the Disco years than this.

41. Ruth Lyons: Ten Tunes of Christmas

Well, it's not quite a Charlie Brown Tree. Yet, even decorating it in tinsel and ornaments can't make it look festive. So sad. But I guess they had to make it work.

Well, it’s not quite a Charlie Brown Tree. Yet, even decorating it in tinsel and ornaments can’t make it look festive. So sad. But I guess they had to make it work.

That moment when you had to settle for the last tree at the Christmas tree farm and have to do a family Christmas card at the family owned hotel.

42. Homer and Jethro: Cool Crazy Christmas with Homer & Jethro

However, seeing them dressed up as kids in this is a very different story. Seriously, guys, you're creeping me out.

However, seeing them dressed up as kids in this is a very different story. Seriously, guys, you’re creeping me out.

Nothing says Christmas like seeing a couple of grown men playing with toys.

43. Thore Skogmans Julkivia: Klappa Pa

For all we know, he could just be luring this kid to put in a sack and do terrible things to him in his windowless van. But what do I know?

For all we know, he could just be luring this kid to put in a sack and do terrible things to him in his windowless van. But what do I know?

Remember, kids, just because a guy is in a Santa suit doesn’t mean he’s nice.

44. The Oak Ridge Boys: Christmas

From Flashbak: "Three of these guys belong in either a seedy bus station or a rustic log cabin – not a tacky eighties living room. Like matzo balls in clam chowder, they do not belong."

From Flashbak: “Three of these guys belong in either a seedy bus station or a rustic log cabin – not a tacky eighties living room. Like matzo balls in clam chowder, they do not belong.”

There’s nothing on Christmas like seeing a bunch of bearded guys enjoying themselves around the tree.

45. William Hung: Hung for the Holidays

From NME: "It doesn’t bode well for a Christmas album when its cover looks like a MS Paint rush job, with the artist’s face crudely dropped in. Also William, we get why you called your record ‘Hung For The Holidays’ but given suicide rates across Europe and America reach record highs around this time of year, is this really the best possible title? Really?"

From NME: “It doesn’t bode well for a Christmas album when its cover looks like a MS Paint rush job, with the artist’s face crudely dropped in. Also William, we get why you called your record ‘Hung For The Holidays’ but given suicide rates across Europe and America reach record highs around this time of year, is this really the best possible title? Really?”

For fans of the American Idol reject William Hung, I’m sure you’ll find his Christmas album a delight.

46. Raffi: Raffi’s Christmas Album

From Flashbak: "Imagine seeing this at your bedside when you wake up Christmas morn, (shudder)" Yes. this will certainly inspire nightmares.

From Flashbak: “Imagine seeing this at your bedside when you wake up Christmas morn, (shudder)” Yes. this will certainly inspire nightmares.

So that’s what Raffi actually looked like in real life. Not how I expected.

47. Dave Boyer: Joy & Happiness at Christmas

From Flashbak: "I don’t need to tell you that your wife with fake tan and your crummy living room shouldn’t be on the cover of your album; clearly, this wasn’t conveyed to Dave Boyer. For the curious, his daughter is holding “Reach Out” a hip version of the New Testament."

From Flashbak: “I don’t need to tell you that your wife with fake tan and your crummy living room shouldn’t be on the cover of your album; clearly, this wasn’t conveyed to Dave Boyer. For the curious, his daughter is holding “Reach Out” a hip version of the New Testament.”

Unfortunately, Mrs. Boyer’s trip to the tanning salon didn’t turn out well.

48. Torben & Klaus: Svingnissen – Dansemus

From Flashbak: "Where’s mom, you ask? Look into that girl’s eyes – the eyes of the purest evil – and you’ll have your answer."

From Flashbak: “Where’s mom, you ask? Look into that girl’s eyes – the eyes of the purest evil – and you’ll have your answer.”

This family would like to send their Christmas wishes and may your yuletide season be filled with love.

49. Leroy Andersen: A Christmas Festival with Leroy Andersen

From Flashbak: "This looks nothing at all like a festival. This is an old man taking notes…. perhaps they should have researched the term “festival” a bit more."

From Flashbak: “This looks nothing at all like a festival. This is an old man taking notes…. perhaps they should have researched the term “festival” a bit more.”

Apparently, this guy doesn’t really know what festival means. Or he wasn’t invited so he’s taking notes.

50. Music for Dreaming

From Go Retro: "No wonder I always wake up with a headache! After a long day of cross country skiing, there's nothing better then taking a nap in the snow and dreaming that I'm a 50 foot woman about to be rammed in the head by cars."

From Go Retro: “No wonder I always wake up with a headache! After a long day of cross country skiing, there’s nothing better then taking a nap in the snow and dreaming that I’m a 50 foot woman about to be rammed in the head by cars.”

For those tired of all the Christmas commercialism, this is the album for you.

The Tiled World of Mosaics

Vichten-Big-02

While stained glass has been around for over 1000, mosaics have existed even longer. Much longer. The first known mosaics date to the 3rd millennium BCE in Ancient Mesopotamia. They have been found in Ancient Greece and Rome as well as in early and medieval Christian churches around the Mediterranean. Not only that, but they have been used in early mosques in the Middle East during the early days of Islam as well as in medieval synagogues. And they have decked floors, walls, and ceilings. While stained glass only uses colored glass to create pictures, mosaics can use anything from stone, glass, ceramic, or other materials. But these are usually carved into very small pieces and different colors known as tesserae (a term you might’ve heard regarding welfare supplements in the Hunger Games which families receive in exchange for their kids entering their name into the Reaping multiple times). And while the default use of mosaics was mostly floor decoration, they can also be used on walls and ceilings. Hell, they can even be on 3-dimensional objects, too. But I’m sure this isn’t a craft for patient minds or hands. Yet, it’s not uncommon for people to do mosaics with photographs as well. However, in this post photo mosaics aren’t really the focus here. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a look into the world of mosaic art.

 

  1. We’ll start with a bouquet of roses.
Well, a ceramic image of roses to be exact. Seems like all these pieces are cut in just the right way.

Well, a ceramic image of roses to be exact. Seems like all these pieces are cut in just the right way.

2. Looks like someone is surrounded by butterflies.

However, I wonder how her hair is up like that. Or whether the butterflies are getting in her hair.

However, I wonder how her hair is up like that. Or whether the butterflies are getting in her hair.

3. Guess this garden shovel isn’t for digging.

Sure it's only for a decorative purpose. But it surely looks grand even if you can't use it.

Sure it’s only for a decorative purpose. But it surely looks grand even if you can’t use it.

4. Whoever said that mosaics were only for floors, walls, and ceilings?

Guess mosaic art can be successfully applied to lawn fixtures. However, I'm sure the mosaic bird baths won't retain their colorful splendor for long.

Guess mosaic art can be successfully applied to lawn fixtures. However, I’m sure the mosaic bird baths won’t retain their colorful splendor for long.

5. This mosaic bluebird only sends love.

I think there's an artist who does mosaics like this. But at any rate, the bird is pretty.

I think there’s an artist who does mosaics like this. But at any rate, the bird is pretty.

6. A white shelf can contain a pink floral pattern on its walls.

Wonder how long it took to get this mosaic done. Still, goes well with the shelf.

Wonder how long it took to get this mosaic done. Still, goes well with the shelf.

7. By applying shiny tiles on old bottles, who knows how they’ll turn out.

These look like bottles you'd see in some bazaar in Aladdin. Didn't know you could make bottles look this good before.

These look like bottles you’d see in some bazaar in Aladdin. Didn’t know you could make bottles look this good before.

8. Broken china plates can always be reused to decorate a chair.

However, this doesn't mean I'd want to sit on it. Because I'd be afraid of messing something like that up.

However, this doesn’t mean I’d want to sit on it. Because I’d be afraid of messing something like that up.

9. A floral table always goes well in any living room.

Doesn't hurt if such mosaic uses bright colors either. However, you might want to place coasters on it before you set your drink.

Doesn’t hurt if such mosaic uses bright colors either. However, you might want to place coasters on it before you set your drink.

10. If you don’t like stringing beads, make a picture from them.

This sure looks pretty. Love the bright colors. Not sure what it's supposed to look like.

This sure looks pretty. Love the bright colors. Not sure what it’s supposed to look like.

11. Never seen a tree against a sky of glass.

Well, it's actually a tiled tree against a mirror background. But it seems to go well with the style.

Well, it’s actually a tiled tree against a mirror background. But it seems to go well with the style.

12. Looks like some of these flowers are larger than others.

This one uses some of those glass stones and flower pieces. All in all, makes a great tile display.

This one uses some of those glass stones and flower pieces. All in all, makes a great tile display.

13. Nothing makes your patio great like a floral tiled table.

Not sure if I'd want a mosaic table exposed outdoors. But I really love the colors on this one, especially the purple.

Not sure if I’d want a mosaic table exposed outdoors. But I really love the colors on this one, especially the purple.

14. Out of the stonework, purple flowers bloom.

Yes, the flowers might seem like they're real or pressed. But they're not. They're made from ceramic tile.

Yes, the flowers might seem like they’re real or pressed. But they’re not. They’re made from ceramic tile.

15. Even sacred art can be depicted in tiny stone pieces.

This one is of the Maddonna and Child. However, while there are a lot of early Christian mosaics, a lot of them also have pieces missing.

This one is of the Madonna and Child. However, while there are a lot of early Christian mosaics, a lot of them also have pieces missing.

16. Nothing’s more amazing than seeing a bright red flower on the floor.

Sure it's not the whole artwork. But that red flower surely looks brilliant in ceramic tile.

Sure it’s not the whole artwork. But that red flower surely looks brilliant in glass tile.

17. Sometimes there’s nothing more quaint than a lovely town sunset.

This almost resembles a painting with the artistic detail. But it's only a painting of tile. And a very good painting at that.

This almost resembles a painting with the artistic detail. But it’s only a painting of tile. And a very good painting at that.

18. How about a purple pansy on your patio table?

Well, here's a large pansy of mosaic tile. All in its spring glory, in fact. Love it.

Well, here’s a large pansy of mosaic tile. All in its spring glory, in fact. Love it.

19. With tile, you can decorate almost anything with no limits.

This one has a mosaic, wall and stairs. You might notice how they use shells, in this as well. Stunning.

This one has a mosaic, wall and stairs. You might notice how they use shells, in this as well. Stunning.

20. You’ve seen flowers through a window. How about flowers in a window?

This one uses glass pieces inside an old window frame. And I'm sure you'll be in awe of these glass flowers.

This one uses glass pieces inside an old window frame. And I’m sure you’ll be in awe of these glass flowers.

21. You’ve heard of a heart of glass. How about a heart of ceramic?

It's all made in a bunch of tiny pieces, too. Also has a golden touch to it.

It’s all made in a bunch of tiny pieces, too. Also has a golden touch to it.

22. While all hearts beat alike, they don’t always look the same.

You can say the same about these hearts in this window. Each one is made up of different pieces.

You can say the same about these hearts in this window. Each one is made up of different pieces.

23. How about a view of inside looking out.

This one seems to depict someone inside looking out into a seaside town. You can almost think it's a painting.

This one seems to depict someone inside looking out into a seaside town. You can almost think it’s a painting.

24. Sometimes mosaic work can make wonderful door decor.

Both sides seem to have different themes to it. Yet both seem to be so artistically well done.

Both sides seem to have different themes to it. Yet both seem to be so artistically well done.

25. Sometimes an owl may appear more fearsome close up.

Yes, this is an owl mosaic close up. Yet, those bright yellow eyes seem so intimidating.

Yes, this is an owl mosaic close up. Yet, those bright yellow eyes seem so intimidating.

26. This mosaic frame gives a real homey touch.

Yes, mosaic picture frames do exist. However, I especially like the little cups on this one. So clever.

Yes, mosaic picture frames do exist. However, I especially like the little cups on this one. So clever.

27. The mirror reflects only on a small pool where the water’s supposed to be.

Mirror frames can also have mosaics on them. Hut this one has only a small one.

Mirror frames can also have mosaics on them. Hut this one has only a small one.

28. Perhaps you’ve never seen anything as magnificent as a mosaic tiger.

Well, I've never seen such an ornate tiger like that before. And in multiple colored stripes, too.

Well, I’ve never seen such an ornate tiger like that before. And in multiple colored stripes, too.

29. Here we come across a green haired girl with a golden streak.

Well, she has her hair multiple colors. But mainly green. The gold strand stands out though.

Well, she has her hair multiple colors. But mainly green. The gold strand stands out though.

30. How about some poppies among a scene of black?

Of course, you don't want to come across a cultivated poppy field in Afghanistan. Because you should know what those poppies are for.

Of course, you don’t want to come across a cultivated poppy field in Afghanistan. Because you should know what those poppies are for.

31. Have you ever came across a funky colored chair like this?

Yes, it's another mosaic chair. But this is in a very different style than the last one. And it has a few hearts to it.

Yes, it’s another mosaic chair. But this is in a very different style than the last one. And it has a few hearts to it.

32. A circle surface should take a circular design.

Of course, a lot of mosaics use geometric designs like the stained glass windows. But I like this one especially due to the purple center.

Of course, a lot of mosaics use geometric designs like the stained glass windows. But I like this one especially due to the purple center.

33. It’s not every day you come across a blue tiled shell.

This one is covered in ceramic tiles and beads. At any rate, it must be either a large shell or one that has very small pieces.

This one is covered in ceramic tiles and beads. At any rate, it must be either a large shell or one that has very small pieces.

34. This bottle seems rather reflective.

Mostly because it's covered in mirrors. But I wouldn't mind having that in my house.

Mostly because it’s covered in mirrors. But I wouldn’t mind having that in my house.

35. Never seen a peacock column like that before.

I really like this one since the mosaic has so many tiles with very bright colors. Also how it reflects off the light.

I really like this one since the mosaic has so many tiles with very bright colors. Also how it reflects off the light.

36. Sometimes it helps that you go with a table that matches the carpet.

And this one seems to go with the decor quite nicely. Kind of seems more like an antique than it actually is. But has a certain something to it.

And this one seems to go with the decor quite nicely. Kind of seems more like an antique than it actually is. But has a certain something to it.

37. Nothing seems more breathtaking to some than an ocean sunset.

As with stained glass, you see a lot of ocean mosaics on Pinterest. This one is one of the better ones.

As with stained glass, you see a lot of ocean mosaics on Pinterest. This one is one of the better ones.

38. This bottle surely has a rather festive disposition.

Well, this one surely has a lot of loud colors to it. But the shapes sure seem stunning.

Well, this one surely has a lot of loud colors to it. But the shapes sure seem stunning.

39. These blue parrots surely know what love means.

Of course, parrots might mate for life. Yet, you have to like the brilliant blue shades on this, too.

Of course, parrots might mate for life. Yet, you have to like the brilliant blue shades on this, too.

40. Remember to keep your ceramic birds all in rows.

These are very lovely. Like how they're all the same size. But each of them has a different color to them.

These are very lovely. Like how they’re all the same size. But each of them has a different color to them.

41. On this bottle, a shadow shows a ray of sunshine.

Now this bottle mosaic has to be made from stained glass. Yet, uses a sunset color scheme.

Now this bottle mosaic has to be made from stained glass. Yet, uses a sunset color scheme.

42. These blue flowers sure look pretty encased in stone.

Well, these certainly look stunning. The blue flowers almost look either real or painted on.

Well, these certainly look stunning. The blue flowers almost look either real or painted on.

43. Nothing looks lovely in stone like a bare tree in the night.

Or during a sunset, anyway. Like how the tree is encased in the clay lines among the tiles.

Or during a sunset, anyway. Like how the tree is encased in the clay lines among the tiles.

44. Well, this mosaic seems familiar to me for some reason.

Had a poster that looked just like this in college. However, it wasn't in the best shape when I tried taking it down though.

Had a poster that looked just like this in college. However, it wasn’t in the best shape when I tried taking it down from my dorm room though.

45. The sun shines brightly in this window.

Well, this sun was made with a window frame, anyway. Still, not sure about the background.

Well, this sun was made with a window frame, anyway. Still, not sure about the background.

46. The fox and the bird seem to get along well.

Never mind that the fox would probably eat the bird in real life. Yeah, interspecies relationships seem quite rosy.

Never mind that the fox would probably eat the bird in real life. Yeah, interspecies relationships seem quite rosy.

47. Now this gives a whole new meaning to the word, “flower pot.”

After all, it's a pot decorated with flowers. Hopefully someone plants flowers in it.

After all, it’s a pot decorated with flowers. Hopefully someone plants flowers in it.

48. Here is a mother owl keeping her owlet under her wings.

You get the impression that there are a lot of mosaics depicting birds. And this one won't be the last. But it's cute.

You get the impression that there are a lot of mosaics depicting birds. And this one won’t be the last. But it’s cute.

49. Looks like this bird is on a lonely perch.

This bird almost looks like one you'd see from your window. But it's in ceramic tile.

This bird almost looks like one you’d see from your window. But it’s in ceramic tile.

50. Guess these boots were made for planting.

Yet, they also have lovely mosaic decoration on them. Also like the flowers in them. Yes, these are boot planters.

Yet, they also have lovely mosaic decoration on them. Also like the flowers in them. Yes, these are boot planters.

51. There are a few things as magical as a white tiger in tile.

At least this one doesn't have pink stripes like the one in stained glass. Almost looks like a photograph.

At least this one doesn’t have pink stripes like the one in stained glass. Almost looks like a photograph.

52. In this pane, it’s a flower per window.

Well, not quite. But you have to admire how pretty these flowers are as well as the craftsmanship.

Well, not quite. But you have to admire how pretty these flowers are as well as the craftsmanship.

53. This art nouveau mosaic is surely a beauty.

Not sure if it's from the 19th century or made to look like it. At any rate, it's stunning.

Not sure if it’s from the 19th century or made to look like it. At any rate, it’s stunning.

54. This blue green cross has a lot of metal on the surface.

Yes, this a cross mosaic. And yes, it says, "Believe" on it. But it's still quite lovely.

Yes, this a cross mosaic. And yes, it says, “Believe” on it. But it’s still quite lovely.

55. Even when you look closer, it’s hard to tell what’s going on in this window.

Yeah, it's kind of hard for me to tell what's going on in here. Then again, it might be an abstract piece.

Yeah, it’s kind of hard for me to tell what’s going on in here. Then again, it might be an abstract piece.

56. For some, there’s nothing like seeing an orca jumping out of the ocean.

And in the setting sun, no doubt. Yes, that's simply a mosaic that's wondrous to look at.

And in the setting sun, no doubt. Yes, that’s simply a mosaic that’s wondrous to look at.

57. Not sure if this planter outshines its plant.

Sure you might find a lot of mosaic outdoor decor for some reason. Maybe because people prefer a tiled patio look. I'm just guessing here.

Sure you might find a lot of mosaic outdoor decor for some reason. Maybe because people prefer a tiled patio look. I’m just guessing here.

58. You’d almost think these flowers came from your garden.

Well, some of them seem to come from the gardens in my house. Save for maybe the blue ones.

Well, some of them seem to come from the gardens in my house. Save for maybe the blue ones.

59. Not sure what to say about a heart on a rock.

Well, I tend to find a lot of these on Pinterest. However, this one seems to stand out since the rock appears quite large. Like door stop large.

Well, I tend to find a lot of these on Pinterest. However, this one seems to stand out since the rock appears quite large. Like door stop large.

60. There’s nothing like a heron in the deep blue—uh, lake.

Well, there are probably some herons that live near saltwater. But the herons in my area are usually freshwater birds.

Well, there are probably some herons that live near saltwater. But the herons in my area are usually freshwater birds.

61. These bright flowers show brilliantly in white.

Well, they may have the same daisy shape. But each is in a different color. Like the blue one.

Well, they may have the same daisy shape. But each is in a different color. Like the blue one.

62. This barn owl surely looks majestic in the night.

This almost looks like the real thing from a far angle. Nevertheless, I think it's a hoot.

This almost looks like the real thing from a far angle. Nevertheless, I think it’s a hoot.

63. Who knows how many flowers are on this circle.

I guess this might be for a table. But at any rate, the flowers surely look stunning.

I guess this might be for a table. But at any rate, the flowers surely look stunning.

64. A tiled rose can almost seem so fantastic to be real.

This rose surely looks fairly 3-dimensional. However, in art, it's hard to tell whether something is at a certain point.

This rose surely looks fairly 3-dimensional. However, in art, it’s hard to tell whether something is at a certain point.

65. A mosaic like this must’ve been inspired by old Paris.

And it almost seems like you're seeing a photo of the city itself. Well, at least the Eiffel Tower.

And it almost seems like you’re seeing a photo of the city itself. Well, at least the Eiffel Tower.

66. Guess she’s what is known as a real flower girl.

Yes, this is a mosaic on a nude statue. But in the world of art, nudity isn't bound to offend anyone.

Yes, this is a mosaic on a nude statue. But in the world of art, nudity isn’t bound to offend anyone.

67. Looks like this cat has been up to no good.

Well, it seems to have a frightened expression. Yet, it seems quite lifelike.

Well, it seems to have a frightened expression. Yet, it seems quite lifelike.

68. Now that’s a very colorful butterfly.

This one has quite a few designs on its wings. Not to mention, it's meant to be put on display in a lawn.

This one has quite a few designs on its wings. Not to mention, it’s meant to be put on display in a lawn.

69. This mosaic seems rather fishy.

Well, it depicts 3 fishes on it. So saying it's fishy shouldn't be very far fetched.

Well, it depicts 3 fishes on it. So saying it’s fishy shouldn’t be very far fetched.

70. Never seen a blue tree before save in Dr. Seuss.

Almost seems like an embroidery sampler. However, it's probably made from glass and tile as I can see.

Almost seems like an embroidery sampler. However, it’s probably made from glass and tile as I can see.

71. Now this is the kind of sculpture that reflects in the sunlight.

Not sure what this is supposed to be. But I like it. I especially like the fact it's purple.

Not sure what this is supposed to be. But I like it. I especially like the fact it’s purple.

72. In some ways, this mirror needs a rainbow frame.

Well, it's not exactly rainbow but close. However, I think it's more suited for a bedroom than a bathroom. Just a thought.

Well, it’s not exactly rainbow but close. However, I think it’s more suited for a bedroom than a bathroom. Just a thought.

73. Bet you’ve never seen a lawn flamingo like this.

Yes, this is the a mosaic version of the tacky lawn decoration we know and love. Bet this was made in Florida.

Yes, this is the a mosaic version of the tacky lawn decoration we know and love. Bet this was made in Florida.

74. Guess this birdbath has an ocean theme.

Well, as far as I'm concerned. Still, despite what you see in the garden store, birdbaths are disgusting.

Well, as far as I’m concerned. Still, despite what you see in the garden store, birdbaths are disgusting.

75. Each of these turtles has a unique shell.

Yes, these are lawn turtles with mosaic shells. And yes, each is a unique work of art in its own way.

Yes, these are lawn turtles with mosaic shells. And yes, each is a unique work of art in its own way.

76. This peacock surely has a lovely feather train.

I guess peacocks are popular to depict in mosaics as well. Nevertheless, looks like a fine bird.

I guess peacocks are popular to depict in mosaics as well. Nevertheless, looks like a fine bird.

77. This blue elephant has a very ornate face.

Well, it's in an Indian art style. But let's say that despite their depictions as gentle giants, elephants aren't animals you should mess with.

Well, it’s in an Indian art style. But let’s say that despite their depictions as gentle giants, elephants aren’t animals you should mess with.

78. Guess this seems like a stroll in an quaint little village.

I think this might be copied from a painting. But I'm not sure. Yet, it looks kind of familiar.

I think this might be copied from a painting. But I’m not sure. Yet, it looks kind of familiar.

79. Well, that’s a highly decorated armchair.

However, I don't think it's comfortable to sit in. But I'll put it in my mosaics post since it's rather unique.

However, I don’t think it’s comfortable to sit in. But I’ll put it in my mosaics post since it’s rather unique.

80. This mosaic really gives a great view of the ocean.

There are a lot of beach scene mosaics on Pinterest. But I think this is probably the best one.

There are a lot of beach scene mosaics on Pinterest. But I think this is probably the best one.

81. Of course, a mosaic mirror must have reflecting pieces.

Well, at least on the frame. Nevertheless, this is a very lovely design.

Well, at least on the frame. Nevertheless, this is a very lovely design.

82. This stunning ceramic red fox appears to be from a painting.

And what a stunning red fox it is. I think I might've saw one while on my walks years ago. But not sure when.

And what a stunning red fox it is. I think I might’ve saw one while on my walks years ago. But not sure when.

83. Of course, you probably don’t have a bathroom counter as colorful as this one.

Then again, ceramic tiles tend to be in most bathrooms. Yet, this mosaic counter is probably not cheap in the least.

Then again, ceramic tiles tend to be in most bathrooms. Yet, this mosaic counter is probably not cheap in the least.

84. This mirror seems to reflect images all over the place.

Well, this is rather interesting. And it seems so finely made with very little color. Just mirror tiles.

Well, this is rather interesting. And it seems so finely made with very little color. Just mirror tiles.

85. This rainbow watering can pours like a charm.

Interesting how it always seems to be stuck like that. Then again, it's a mosaic sculpture so it's kind of intentional.

Interesting how it always seems to be stuck like that. Then again, it’s a mosaic sculpture so it’s kind of intentional.

86. Well, that’s just a picture of a small old barn.

Well, a mosaic picture. However, it surely seems lifelike or from a painting. Not sure if that's dead grass or wheat. Probably the latter.

Well, a mosaic picture. However, it surely seems lifelike or from a painting. Not sure if that’s dead grass or wheat. Probably the latter.

87. A koi pond birdbath isn’t what you see every day.

Even more so if it contains rocks as an artistic touch. By the way, koi aren't small fish at all.

Even more so if it contains rocks as an artistic touch. By the way, koi aren’t small fish at all.

88. I’m sure nobody can resist this rainbow flower.

Well, it's a rainbow flower design. Each petal is a different color. Lovely.

Well, it’s a rainbow flower design. Each petal is a different color. Lovely.

89. This mosaic takes a view from the street.

Surely it's a street scene mosaic. But it also seems like a painting to me, too. Wonder if it's based off anything.

Surely it’s a street scene mosaic. But it also seems like a painting to me, too. Wonder if it’s based off anything.

90. Ever wish you could have window flowers like these?

These are very lovely flowers. And you can have them all year round.

These are very lovely flowers. And you can have them all year round.

91. This bathroom seems to take an undersea ocean theme.

Now I know it's not uncommon for bathrooms to have ocean themed decor. But this takes it to a new level, especially in mosaics.

Now I know it’s not uncommon for bathrooms to have ocean themed decor. But this takes it to a new level, especially in mosaics.

92. The moon and the stars are on the stairs.

Like how the mosaic on here accentuates the moon and the colors. So stunning.

Like how the mosaic on here accentuates the moon and the colors. So stunning.

93. Those who’ve lived prior to 2001 should know what this mosaic depicts.

Yes, this is a mosaic of the NYC World Trade Center Towers in the sunset. Of course, a lot of us know what happened to them.

Yes, this is a mosaic of the NYC World Trade Center Towers in the sunset. Of course, a lot of us know what happened to them.

94. I’m afraid this design is no flash in the pan.

Because if it was, the tiles wouldn't be sticking. And I'm sure it's not something you'd want to cook with.

Because if it was, the tiles wouldn’t be sticking. And I’m sure it’s not something you’d want to cook with.

95. The sun shines bright in this ocean view.

And in a sunset scene, too. Like how the sun is reflecting on the water. So lovely.

And in a sunset scene, too. Like how the sun is reflecting on the water. So lovely.

96. Now that’s the most colorful kiln I’ve ever seen.

This one has a lot of swirly colors. Wonder what pottery and ceramics get baked there.

This one has a lot of swirly colors. Wonder what pottery and ceramics get baked there.

97. Of course, you might want to get a view underwater.

This one seems like you're right in the coral reef. However, fish might want to be careful around those dolphins.

This one seems like you’re right in the coral reef. However, fish might want to be careful around those dolphins.

98. May this mosaic make you think of peace.

Well, This peace sign surely stands out. Like how it's emanated like the sun.

Well, This peace sign surely stands out. Like how it’s emanated like the sun.

99. This clock is finely tiled for any fireplace mantle.

Normally I wouldn't say maroon and teal go together. But I think both colors give a distinctive feel on this clock.

Normally I wouldn’t say maroon and teal go together. But I think both colors give a distinctive feel on this clock.

100. Just saw a trail of butterflies in this window.

Sure it's a stained glass mosaic. But I said the two tend to go together. Also, you have to admire the butterflies on this.

Sure it’s a stained glass mosaic. But I said the two tend to go together. Also, you have to admire the butterflies on this.

The Sacred World of Stained Glass

the-full-stained-glass-window

Stained glass has had a 1,000 year history though throughout most of it, it was used for windows in churches (like the awesome medieval Gothic cathedrals in Europe that still stand to this day), mosques, and other significant buildings. In many ways, this makes a lot of sense since before the days of sheet glass production, glass was expensive as hell since it took a long time to make. Many buildings usually went without them. In fact, during American colonization, it was very common for many families to take their glass windows with them on the boat. Not to mention, it’s not an easy material to transport since it’s quite breakable. So you imagine how Washington and Jefferson had it when they’re building Mount Vernon and Monticello. Nevertheless, many of these large stained glass windows you see in medieval cathedrals have withstood the test of time as a form of pictoral art. Contrary to what you see in movies on the Middle Ages, walk into a Gothic cathedral during the day and you’ll find yourself in a very illuminated place with color. After all, medieval folks didn’t have access to great lighting so these magnificent cathedrals were built with large windows so it can be the brightest indoor space around. Stained glass designs can feature either abstract or figurative themes such as figures and scenes from the Bible or literature, representations of saints, or symbolic motifs. Stained glass windows within a building may also be thematic such as a church depicting scenes of the life of Christ, a mosque depicting geometrics, constituencies’ shields in a parliamentary building, figures representing the arts and sciences within a college, or images of flora, fauna, and landscapes within a home. Today, while windows continue to be the dominant work of stained glass, it can also be seen as decoration as well as as 3 dimensional objects like lamps. In fact, Charles Tiffany became very rich and famous for his stained glass lamps from the Art Nouveau period. So much so that when you look at such a lamp, you’d almost think it’s designed by him. It’s also widely used as a craft as I’ve seen a lot of stained glass panels on Pinterest or Etsy. Then you’ve seen a lot of stained glass integrated in wind chimes and suncatchers for good reason. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasure trove of stained glass art.

 

  1. A heron always looks great near the front door.
I know this isn't a Great Blue Heron since it has dark blue feathers. Not sure when this was made either because it seems quite stylized.

I know this isn’t a Great Blue Heron since it has dark blue feathers. Not sure when this was made either because it seems quite stylized.

2. How about a lovely forest scene outside?

This one depicts a stream with flowers and trees. And in a rather abstract style, too.

This one depicts a stream with flowers and trees. And in a rather abstract style, too.

3. A glass star looks great with blue.

Yes, you're going to see more like these, too. Love the glass star and the blue swirls.

Yes, you’re going to see more like these, too. Love the glass star and the blue swirls.

4. Flowers near your window? How about flowers on your window?

At least these flowers won't wilt after a couple of weeks. Still, these are so beautiful.

At least these flowers won’t wilt after a couple of weeks. Still, these are so beautiful.

5. Perhaps a landscape may cheer you up.

Here's another stained glass landscape. This depicts a mountain scene. Love the blue lake and sky.

Here’s another stained glass landscape. This depicts a mountain scene. Love the blue lake and sky.

6. With stained glass, you can have some fancy stairs.

Yes, these are glass that are inlaid with the wooden stairs. Sure it's beautiful. But I don't think it would look right if you try it at home.

Yes, these are glass that are inlaid with the wooden stairs. Sure it’s beautiful. But I don’t think it would look right if you try it at home.

7. If you love penguins, then this glass panel answers your prayers.

Seems like it could depict a scene from March of the Penguins. With the Morgan Freeman voiceover, this would be perfect.

Seems like it could depict a scene from March of the Penguins. With the Morgan Freeman voiceover, this would be perfect.

8. As a practicing Catholic, I tend to be a sucker for stained glass religious imagery.

Well, I have to put some religious stuff on here. This window depicts Christ on the cross. And it's an example of a stained glass masterpiece.

Well, I have to put some religious stuff on here. This window depicts Christ on the cross. And it’s an example of a stained glass masterpiece.

9. Never seen such a colored swordfish before.

You tend to see a lot of sea stuff on these windows as well. But the marlin jumping out of the water is sure a majestic sight.

You tend to see a lot of sea stuff on these windows as well. But the marlin jumping out of the water is sure a majestic sight.

10. This one has a Spanish church on the seashore.

I guess the Spanish church is on here because it looks great in the scene. Like the sun in this.

I guess the Spanish church is on here because it looks great in the scene. Like the sun in this.

11. Looks like a couple of bears are roasting marshmallows at the campfire.

I know Smokey the Bear might not approve of this. But I think it's cute, especially since it has an adult bear and cub.

I know Smokey the Bear might not approve of this. But I think it’s cute, especially since it has an adult bear and cub.

12. A stained glass sculpture can always stand out in the sun.

This looks pretty huge. Look closer and you can see a face in the details.

This looks pretty huge. Look closer and you can see a face in the details.

13. Guess this one has a lovely decorated skull.

This seems like a Southwestern or Mexican stained glass panel. Possibly for Dia de la Muertos.

This seems like a Southwestern or Mexican stained glass panel. Possibly for Dia de los Muertos.

14. Sometimes all you need are flowers and butterflies.

This is one a little 3-dimensional since the butterflies have raised wings. Love the flowers, too.

This is one a little 3-dimensional since the butterflies have raised wings. Love the flowers, too.

15. There’s nothing like seeing the hummingbirds pollinate the flowers.

Sure some people may have hummingbird feeders (like my mom). But these hummingbirds drinking nectar as nature intended.

Sure some people may have hummingbird feeders (like my mom). But these hummingbirds drinking nectar as nature intended.

16. With this stained glass panel, you can look under the sea.

I think the fish should be wary of the dolphin. But this is a beautiful work of art. Love the blue sea.

I think the fish should be wary of the dolphin. But this is a beautiful work of art. Love the blue sea.

17. On this panel, you’ll come across a magnificent dark horse.

This seems to take a more mosaic look. But it's nevertheless lovely.

This seems to take a more mosaic look. But it’s nevertheless lovely.

18. How about a some windows like your bookshelf?

I have to admit, this is very ingenious. Like how the books are different colors.

I have to admit, this is very ingenious. Like how the books are different colors.

19. This white tiger really looks magnificent.

Not sure about the stripes being pink. And I don't think the tiger looks very happy.

Not sure about the stripes being pink. And I don’t think the tiger looks very happy.

20. How about some flowers around your mirror?

Yes, these are stained glass flowers. And they only have a decorative purpose in this case.

Yes, these are stained glass flowers. And they only have a decorative purpose in this case.

21. This killer whale would certainly shine in a circle.

Like I said, stained glass ocean scenes are a thing. And orcas sure are popular.

Like I said, stained glass ocean scenes are a thing. And orcas sure are popular.

22. Just a little blue jay admiring the flowers.

Seems like the blue jay is only a small part of this panel. But the flowers are pretty.

Seems like the blue jay is only a small part of this panel. But the flowers are pretty.

23. It’s always lovely to see a cardinal on the ledge.

Like ocean life, birds are another popular stained glass motif. The northern cardinal and other backyard birds especially.

Like ocean life, birds are another popular stained glass motif. The northern cardinal and other backyard birds especially.

24. This stained glass panel is always, “Semper Fi.”

Yes, this is one for the US Marine Corps. Not sure if there are ones for the other military branches. Probably.

Yes, this is one for the US Marine Corps. Not sure if there are ones for the other military branches. Probably.

25. Get a load of this flowery lamp.

Yes, that's a stained glass lamp all right. And on a stained glass table, too. Not sure if it's a Tiffany though.

Yes, that’s a stained glass lamp all right. And on a stained glass table, too. Not sure if it’s a Tiffany though.

26. Some blue violets for the window?

I guess the owners don't use the fireplace very often. Wouldn't want to see anything happen to this. Because it's so lovely.

The flowers on this are certainly exquisite. Guess this is for decorative purposes only though.

27. How about something more geometric?

Geometric designs are also popular for stained glass windows. They're also not as difficult to produce either.

Geometric designs are also popular for stained glass windows. They’re also not as difficult to produce either.

28. This heart of butterflies is something you’re bound to love.

And here this woman stands proud at her creation, I guess. Still, this is so pretty.

And here this woman stands proud at her creation, I guess. Still, this is so pretty.

29. These 3 panels boast really colorful flowers.

I'm sure this is used as porch decoration. But the flowers stand out in bright colors.

I’m sure this is used as porch decoration. But the flowers stand out in bright colors.

30. Sometimes you can use some blue glass lighting.

Well, the style seems a bit unconventional. But you can't go wrong with the color.

Well, the style seems a bit unconventional. But you can’t go wrong with the color.

31. A glass totem will look great anywhere.

I guess this is the kind of art that comes from the Pacific Northwest. Not sure if like the color scheme though.

I guess this is the kind of art that comes from the Pacific Northwest. Not sure if like the color scheme though.

32. I’m sure a peacock has a beauty beyond compare.

Because peacocks have a large flower train display they use to attract mates. Like the flowers on here, too.

Because peacocks have a large flower train display they use to attract mates. Like the flowers on here, too.

33. I call this one “Loon on a Snowshoe.”

Didn't know they made stained glass displays in snowshoes. Guess they're for decoration, then.

Didn’t know they made stained glass displays in snowshoes. Guess they’re for decoration, then.

34. You’ve seen stained glass windows in church. But have you seen a stained glass nativity scene?

Yes, they have stained glass nativity scenes, too. May seem abstract but it does look lovely.

Yes, they have stained glass nativity scenes, too. May seem abstract but it does look lovely.

35. Never seen glass raccoons in a tree before.

I guess this is inlaid into a tree trunk slice. Still, the raccoons are so adorable.

I guess this is inlaid into a tree trunk slice. Still, the raccoons are so adorable.

36. On this tree, it’s always autumn.

Well, autumn leaves are pretty on the trees. But the autumn display doesn't last long though.

Well, autumn leaves are pretty on the trees. But the autumn display doesn’t last long though.

37. Guess you call that a rainbow surrounding a black center.

Wonder if that's supposed to be a solar eclipse or something. Might make some sense.

Wonder if that’s supposed to be a solar eclipse or something. Might make some sense.

38. This panel seems to be bursting with flowers.

Now this is certainly the kind of Art Nouveau style you might see on old mansions. This one has a spring theme.

Now this is certainly the kind of Art Nouveau style you might see on old mansions. This one has a spring theme.

39. Wonder what this is supposed to be.

This is art based on Northwest Coast Native American legend. Not something from Lovecraft, but I see your point.

This is art based on Northwest Coast Native American legend. Not something from Lovecraft, but I see your point.

40. This stained glass lamp sports radiant purple flowers.

Now this is an example of what you might see in a Tiffany lamp. However, I'm not completely sure if this is one. But I have a good idea.

Now this is an example of what you might see in a Tiffany lamp. However, I’m not completely sure if this is one. But I have a good idea.

41. What you see through this window is pure fantasy.

I guess I was right with that. Still, you'll have to look closer to get the idea. Beautiful though.

I guess I was right with that. Still, you’ll have to look closer to get the idea. Beautiful though.

42. Seems like the shepherds have a couple unexpected visitors.

This one depicts angels appearing to the shepherds and announcing the birth of Christ. It's in Luke's Gospel. But I don't think this window was used for a church.

This one depicts angels appearing to the shepherds and announcing the birth of Christ. It’s in Luke’s Gospel. But I don’t think this window was used for a church.

43. This geometric panel has a cross in the center.

Not sure on what to make out of these geometric ones. On one hand, they look cool. But on the other hand, they just consist of a bunch of shapes.

Not sure on what to make out of these geometric ones. On one hand, they look cool. But on the other hand, they just consist of a bunch of shapes.

44. Take a look at this stained glass bison from the open range.

In North America, they're also seen as "buffalo" by the way. However, you have to love this bison's expression.

In North America, they’re also seen as “buffalo” by the way. However, you have to love this bison’s expression.

45. Never came across a white palm tree in the sand.

Beach scenes are fairly common stained glass motifs for some reason. Not sure why.

Beach scenes are fairly common stained glass motifs for some reason. Not sure why.

46. This panel seems to depict a big arrowhead.

I think this style might be Southwest inspired. But I'm not sure. But I do love the colors on this.

I think this style might be Southwest inspired. But I’m not sure. But I do love the colors on this.

47. This penguin family will melt your heart.

I know this is my second penguin one on this post. But I know people will find this irresistibly adorable.

I know this is my second penguin one on this post. But I know people will find this irresistibly adorable.

48. This night scene surely has the moon shining bright.

Sure this might be a mosaic piece. But a lot of mosaics use glass for obvious reasons.

Sure this might be a mosaic piece. But a lot of mosaics use glass for obvious reasons.

49. From window, you can see 4 kinds of birds.

Consists of a Northern Bluebird, a Chickadee, a Goldfinch, and a Northern Cardinal. All these are North American birds.

Consists of a Northern Bluebird, a Chickadee, a Goldfinch, and a Northern Cardinal. All these are North American birds.

50. Have to admire the purple flowers and the chickadees.

I guess this might be fore a door. Yet, I do love the flowers on these, especially since they're purple.

I guess this might be for a door. Yet, I do love the flowers on these, especially since they’re purple.

51. A cactus flower blooming is a glorious sight.

However, you don't want to touch a cactus though. You know, because of the needles.

However, you don’t want to touch a cactus though. You know, because of the needles.

52. Does this panel depict a star or a snowflake?

Either way, it sure goes well with the winter scenery. This must've been made with a lot of care and patience.

Either way, it sure goes well with the winter scenery. This must’ve been made with a lot of care and patience.

53. Here I give you a horse close up.

And that seems to really capture one up close. Must be made by a really good artist.

And that seems to really capture one up close. Must be made by a really good artist.

54. Here we have Mary and Jesus seated and adored by all.

Here's another church window. But this one seems to be made in the Renaissance at least. But you have to appreciate the detail.

Here’s another church window. But this one seems to be made in the Renaissance at least. But you have to appreciate the detail.

55. These 4 flowers always bloom bright at any season.

Mostly because they're encased in stained glass. Love the colors though.

Mostly because they’re encased in stained glass. Love the colors though.

56. Of course, I couldn’t forget a stained glass representation of the Madonna and Child.

Because a lot of these are depicted in Catholic churches. Yet, not this well though.

Because a lot of these are depicted in Catholic churches. Yet, not this well though.

57. Bet you’ve never seen a globe in glass.

This one even looks great in the light. Of course, I don't think this was easy to pull off. But it's worth seeing.

This one even looks great in the light. Of course, I don’t think this was easy to pull off. But it’s worth seeing.

58. This view of the stream is simply breathtaking.

This one seems to have brighter colors than some of the landscapes on here. I especially like the purple flowers.

This one seems to have brighter colors than some of the landscapes on here. I especially like the purple flowers.

59. Ever had a forest inlaid in a cabinet?

Well, look no further than these cabinet doors. And yes, they'll probably put your furniture to shame.

Well, look no further than these cabinet doors. And yes, they’ll probably put your furniture to shame.

60. Never came across a vase of purple flowers in the window.

I bet this was for someone's front door. But the flowers are so lovely, too.

I bet this was for someone’s front door. But the flowers are so lovely, too.

61. How about this rose lamp for your kitchen?

This lamp of roses is for the overhead. However, not sure if it fits in a kitchen though. Dining room, maybe.

This lamp of roses is for the overhead. However, not sure if it fits in a kitchen though. Dining room, maybe.

62. This panel reminds you of an ocean breeze.

Well, this is a lovely view of the beach. Like the palm trees that seem to be gently blowing.

Well, this is a lovely view of the beach. Like the palm trees that seem to be gently blowing.

63. Here’s a scene of a night in the mountains.

You have to admire the colors on this one. Seems to use a lot of blues and whites for a snow capped look.

You have to admire the colors on this one. Seems to use a lot of blues and whites for a snow capped look.

64. Perhaps you’ve never seen a mountain view like this before.

Wonder what this mountain range is supposed to be. Looks kind of familiar for some reason.

Wonder what this mountain range is supposed to be. Looks kind of familiar for some reason.

65. Have you ever seen a stained glass guitar lamp?

I don't think these guitars are for playing since they light up and are made of glass. But I couldn't pass these up.

I don’t think these guitars are for playing since they light up and are made of glass. But I couldn’t pass these up.

66. This church window really brings out brilliant colors.

Some church windows might have a lot of abstract imagery like this one. However, the symbols on this one are hard to see from this photo.

Some church windows might have a lot of abstract imagery like this one. However, the symbols on this one are hard to see from this photo.

67. This stained glass room divider has a rather abstract feel.

Wonder if this is Art Nouveau or Art Deco. Sometimes it can be very hard to tell.

Wonder if this is Art Nouveau or Art Deco. Sometimes it can be very hard to tell.

68. Behold, the beauty of the snowy owl.

Of course, you might see one in places like Alaska and Canada. Or in Harry Potter since Hedwig is this.

Of course, you might see one in places like Alaska and Canada. Or in Harry Potter since Hedwig is this.

69. I’m sure you might want to take a look at this woman in green.

Now this has to be Art Nouveau for obvious reasons. However, wonder what room this was used for.

Now this has to be Art Nouveau for obvious reasons. However, wonder what room this was used for.

70. This glass panel comes with wings.

You see windows in that kind of style, too. However, this is just a pair of white wings.

You see windows in that kind of style, too. However, this is just a pair of white wings.

71. I’m sure anyone would find this scene of Jesus and the children very endearing.

Well, this is a very well known biblical scene in the gospels. Still, I know this wasn't made for a medieval cathedral.

Well, this is a very well known biblical scene in the gospels. Still, I know this wasn’t made for a medieval cathedral.

72. Some doors open to trees. Some doors have trees on them.

Yes, this is another forest scene. But this one makes you feel like you're in the forest. That's different.

Yes, this is another forest scene. But this one makes you feel like you’re in the forest. That’s different.

73. Here we come across the Queen of the Nile, Cleopatra.

Because who else is depicted like she's way too overdressed for Ancient Egypt? Also, there might be a pyramid in the background.

Because who else is depicted like she’s way too overdressed for Ancient Egypt? Also, there might be a pyramid in the background.

74. This dove has come across a grapevine.

Christian symbolism might be at work there. However, what's with the ivy leaves? Because I don't know if grape leaves look like that.

Christian symbolism might be at work there. However, what’s with the ivy leaves? Because I don’t know if grape leaves look like that.

75. In these folding doors you’ll find a tree.

And there's the tree encased in stained glass. Seems to be very wide.

And there’s the tree encased in stained glass. Seems to be very wide.

76. Nothing like a mountain view on a country road.

With an orange sky, this has to be a mountain sunset. And I see a fence near the dirt path, too.

With an orange sky, this has to be a mountain sunset. And I see a fence near the dirt path, too.

77. Some might appreciate a view of a sunset on the beach.

Yes, a stained glass sunset on the beach. Notice how the sky is in yellow, orange, and purple.

Yes, a stained glass sunset on the beach. Notice how the sky is in yellow, orange, and purple.

78. So many birds, so many branches.

Not sure if these birds would hang out together in real life. But this makes a nice window to look at.

Not sure if these birds would hang out together in real life. But this makes a nice window to look at.

79. Didn’t know there were so many different color daffodils.

Because they usually come in yellow and white. Then again, these may not be daffodils.

Because they usually come in yellow and white. Then again, these may not be daffodils.

80. These flowers look wondrous on a trellis.

I think this might be a rocky seashore scene. But the flowers on the vine get more attention and add to the color.

I think this might be a rocky seashore scene. But the flowers on the vine get more attention and add to the color.

81. Here we come to some trees on an island.

Well, within a body of water, of course. Hope they have enough soil to spare.

Well, within a body of water, of course. Hope they have enough soil to spare.

82. This panel shows the splendor of a winter night.

Because the trees are covered in snow. Then again, it might just be another night scene.

Because the trees are covered in snow. Then again, it might just be another night scene.

83. From a mountain, out sprouts a stream.

Yes, that's a view of a mountain stream. And it's somewhat seems like a painting for some reason.

Yes, that’s a view of a mountain stream. And it’s somewhat seems like a painting for some reason.

84. Now she must be a fine beauty in the spring.

Wonder if she's a nymph or something. Because I wouldn't be surprised at all.

Wonder if she’s a nymph or something. Because I wouldn’t be surprised at all.

85. This lamp is covered with branches and chickadees.

Well, this is a tall lamp that has stained glass on it. But it's a cool lamp nonetheless.

Well, this is a tall lamp that has stained glass on it. But it’s a cool lamp nonetheless.

86. If you like the American Southwest, this panel is for you.

This depicts a longhorn with Indian feathers on a desert scene. You can't get more Southwest than that.

This depicts a longhorn with Indian feathers on a desert scene. You can’t get more Southwest than that.

87. For homey types, this winter house near a bridge is perfect.

Or is it a barn. Because it looks pretty big. Then again, I don't think it matters.

Or is it a barn? Because it looks pretty big. Then again, I don’t think it matters.

88. In this window, you’ll see a great colossus.

This is definitely something you'll find in some rich person's house. That's for sure. Have to admire the detail.

This is definitely something you’ll find in some rich person’s house. That’s for sure. Have to admire the detail.

89. These two dolphins will greet you at the door.

Well they're in the door. But they're sure to delight visitors. So cute.

Well they’re in the door. But they’re sure to delight visitors. So cute.

90. These stained glass flowers look perfect in any window.

And you don't have worry about watering them or wilting after a few weeks. Because they're made of glass. But be careful around them, though.

And you don’t have worry about watering them or wilting after a few weeks. Because they’re made of glass. But be careful around them, though.

91. As they say, geese mate for life.

But there are some people who wish Canadian geese won't mate at all. Because they can be a nuisance.

But there are some people who wish Canadian geese won’t mate at all. Because they can be a nuisance.

92. Guess, this one is from the Pacific Northwest.

Because the totem pole on this is a dead giveaway. Because it's from the Northwest Coast.

Because the totem pole on this is a dead giveaway. Because it’s from the Northwest Coast.

93. A peacock surely has a beautiful tail.

Yes, this is my second peacock stained glass panel. But this one has a more vivid tail. Love the feathers.

Yes, this is my second peacock stained glass panel. But this one has a more vivid tail. Love the feathers.

94. Wouldn’t want to run into a pack of wolves in the winter.

And it doesn't seem that the wolves are having much luck here. Still, this is a beautiful scene.

And it doesn’t seem that the wolves are having much luck here. Still, this is a beautiful scene.

95. A moose in the woods is a magnificent sight.

A moose on the road, on the other hand, is a traffic hazard to avoid. Because moose are said to kill more people than bears.

A moose on the road, on the other hand, is a traffic hazard to avoid. Because moose are said to kill more people than bears.

96. For yuletide joy, this snowman lamp is a delight.

I know it's a Christmas one. But the snowmen on this are so adorable. And most stained glass lamps usually have flowers and shapes on them.

I know it’s a Christmas one. But the snowmen on this are so adorable. And most stained glass lamps usually have flowers and shapes on them.

97. Now that’s one great buck.

Okay, it's an elk. But elk are technically deer but bigger. And no, they're not like Bambi. Neither are deer.

Okay, it’s an elk. But elk are technically deer but bigger. And no, they’re not like Bambi. Neither are deer.

98. These windows have a lovely view of a violet field.

I think this might be for a mausoleum. But the light really shines through this. Like it.

I think this might be for a mausoleum. But the light really shines through this. Like it.

99. Here this woman in red ventures to a river.

This woman seems to be in medieval dress. Or what the Victorians saw medieval dress as. Yet, it really stands out.

This woman seems to be in medieval dress. Or what the Victorians saw medieval dress as. Yet, it really stands out.

100. The woodpecker is on the shade while the lamp is its tree.

Another lamp I like. Love how the trunk is made to resemble wood. Wouldn't mind owning this.

Another lamp I like. Love how the trunk is made to resemble wood. Wouldn’t mind owning this.

The Wonderful World of Album Covers (Fourth Edition)

57799195bf2814769f27c598bb27e435

As long as we had LP records, we’ve had album covers, well, for the most part at least since the 1960s. As you look from above, this is an image of the Queen II album released in 1974 which isn’t one of their best known at any rate. However, those who look at it and weren’t around during the 1970s, might mistake it as an example of false advertising because the Queen band members are in a pose that’s akin to the beginning of the “Bohemian Rhapsody” video. Yet, that song is actually on the album they released the next year called A Night at the Opera, which would be their breakthrough success. Nevertheless, the pose is masterfully done. And album art wise, I think it’s better than A Night at the Opera even though the latter has better songs. Unfortunately, for all you album art afficionados out there, my album art posts aren’t meant for the masterpiece covers. In fact, quite the contrary. Rather I go for the vintage album covers that time forgot mostly because the design is pretty awful yet unintentionally funny, creepy, or inappropriate. Hell, they can even do it intentionally. So for your reading pleasure and the fact I decided to wait until after Father’s Day to do any 4th of July posts, I give you another edition of vintage album covers so tacky that you’ll forget about them until they’re seen at a yard sale.

 

  1. Marcy Sings Jesus Loves Me
The woman on here doesn't look right either. Yes, she's smiling. But it's a kind of smile you'd see on someone who's high.

The woman on here doesn’t look right either. Yes, she’s smiling. But it’s a kind of smile you’d see on someone who’s high.

That’s what we need, a creepy doll singing songs about Jesus for children.

2. The Joyful Sounds: Guide Me Lord

Okay, Hairspray first came out in the 1980s as a film. And this album was released at least a decade before that. But it's not a great analogy. But still, they use way more hairspray than an average cast member from that musical.

Okay, Hairspray first came out in the 1980s as a film. And this album was released at least a decade before that. But it’s not a great analogy. But still, they use way more hairspray than an average cast member from that musical.

Or as I call it, the Christian version of Hairspray but with way more volume for the Lord.

3. Don McNeil and Eddie Ballantine and His Band: March Around the Breakfast Table

Yes, this family looks so unusually happy at breakfast time. However, wouldn't marching around the breakfast table be difficult if you're holding a toaster. Because I know they're not portable.

Yes, this family looks so unusually happy at breakfast time. However, wouldn’t marching around the breakfast table be difficult if you’re holding a toaster. Because I know they’re not portable.

Because nothing brings your spirits up like marching to music at breakfast.

4. Herbie Mann: Push, Push

Yes, he thinks he's so manly with a flute in his hand. Still, this is a perfect example on why classical musicians shouldn't really do fanservice poses on their album covers.

Yes, he thinks he’s so manly with a flute in his hand. Still, this is a perfect example on why classical musicians shouldn’t really do fanservice poses on their album covers.

What? Never seen a flutist with a hairy chest.

5. Jimmy Jenson: Understand Your’e Swede

I know it's supposed to be Understand You're Swede. But someone placed an apostrophe at the wrong place. Also, why the hell is the mom wearing a miniskirt in the woods?

I know it’s supposed to be Understand You’re Swede. But someone placed an apostrophe at the wrong place. Also, why the hell is the mom wearing a miniskirt in the woods?

Unfortunately, Jimmy Jenson’s proofreader was busy.

6. Elliot Lawrence: Music for Trapping

Now it's one thing if a man puts deer heads on his wall. But if he puts heads of his ex-girlfriends, you should probably call 911. I can understand that the woman is understandably creeped out since she's found herself in a horror movie.

Now it’s one thing if a man puts deer heads on his wall. But if he puts heads of his ex-girlfriends, you should probably call 911. I can understand that the woman is understandably creeped out since she’s found herself in a horror movie.

And by “trapping,” I don’t think he means woodland creatures.

7. Introducing Mr. Versatile the Fabulous Willis Wade

That has to be one of the most hideous suits I have ever seen. Those cars look pretty lame, too.

That has to be one of the most hideous suits I have ever seen. Those cars look pretty lame, too.

Guess he’s a musician with no fashion sense and who doesn’t know how to get out of traffic.

8. Bob Fleming Plays Boleros

Guess it wouldn't be bad without a little knight music. Still, I think it would be very hard to play a saxophone in a suit of armor. Hope he doesn't go medieval on you.

Guess it wouldn’t be bad without a little knight music. Still, I think it would be very hard to play a saxophone in a suit of armor. Hope he doesn’t go medieval on you.

Featuring a saxophone solo by Sir Saxelot.

9. Paul Mickelson: Plays for Youth

Of course, Paul's friends started to wonder whether he had strayed from his Lord and got into some hallucinogenic brown acid. Yeah, there must be something really wrong with him. This is freaky.

Of course, Paul’s friends started to wonder whether he had strayed from his Lord and got into some hallucinogenic brown acid. Yeah, there must be something really wrong with him. This is freaky.

Alone at his organ, Paul imagined tiny Christian teens.

10. Nicky Cruz: The Cross and the Switchblade

Note that the guy's smiling face is juxtaposed on a painting depicting multiple murders. Yeah, kids do the craziest things sometimes.

Note that the guy’s smiling face is juxtaposed on a dark painting depicting multiple murders. Yeah, kids do the craziest things sometimes.

Or as I call it, “Finding Jesus in a Time of Gang Violence.”

11. Dave Harris and the Powerhouse Five: Dinner Music for a Pack of Hungry Cannibals

No, Stacy, this isn't a nice soak in a ho tub before dinner. Because you are dinner. In fact, you're the main course.

No, Stacy, this isn’t a nice soak in a hot tub before dinner. Because you are dinner. In fact, you’re the main course. Favorite album of Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

For some reason, this blonde seems rather excited about being cooked alive in a boiling pot over a fire.

12. Leith Stevens and His Orchestra: Jazz Themes for Cops and Robbers

Still, that image of someone pointing a gun just makes me uncomfortable for some reason. Perhaps because it seems like it's pointed right at me.

Still, that image of someone pointing a gun just makes me uncomfortable for some reason. Perhaps because it seems like it’s pointed right at me.

For when the speaker music at the bank during a simple hold up job just doesn’t cut it.

13. Obren Pjevovic

Man, that man seems remarkably calm while riding a falling bomb that's bound to blow him up to oblivion. And he has it between his legs, which suggests a rather subtle meaning entirely.

Man, that man seems remarkably calm while riding a falling bomb that’s bound to blow him up to oblivion. And he has it between his legs, which suggests a rather subtle meaning entirely.

For some reason, the Soviet version of Dr. Strangelove was never put into production.

14. Tortura: The Sounds of Pain and Punishment

Who knew that they had vintage BDSM albums? Also, notice that this cover only features women.

Who knew that they had vintage BDSM albums? Also, notice that this cover only features women.

A musical selection chosen especially from the 50 Shades of Christian Grey archives.

15. Schytts: Halligang 6

Here's what their page says: “For a lot of ages now, since aerly in the middle of 1968, we have brought our mark of by far musice to people of our country, and China also in dovesound. We have stipulated with many in the worlds. Now enjoying of ours fine becoming obsolete to the future coldplay confesses reactive ideas.” Yeah, they need spellcheck badly.

Here’s what their page says: “For a lot of ages now, since aerly in the middle of 1968, we have brought our mark of by far musice to people of our country, and China also in dovesound. We have stipulated with many in the worlds. Now enjoying of ours fine becoming obsolete to the future coldplay confesses reactive ideas.” Yeah, they need spellcheck badly.

Apparently, their music is said to be a creative rendition of crap.

16. Lenny Dee: Down South

Guess this guy is in Florida since it's the ocean. Still, the girl in this is dressed up like a ballerina in high heeled shoes.

Guess this guy is in Florida since it’s the ocean. Still, the girl in this is dressed up like a ballerina in high heeled shoes.

Because where else could you play piano on a motorboat and watch a girl water ski at the same time.

17. Ana Kathleen Brady: God’s Chosen Puppet

Okay, this is creepy. With strings attached and an uneasy smile, this Christian woman is scaring the bejesus out of me.

Okay, this is creepy. With strings attached and an uneasy smile, this Christian woman is scaring the bejesus out of me.

Now with ribbon strings that go up to the Lord Almighty.

18. Jerry Irby: Hot Line to Heaven

Sorry, but people don't associate plaid suits as a mark of godliness. Rather he's probably a musician whose day job is a 1920s bootlegger on Boardwalk Empire.

Sorry, but people don’t associate plaid suits as a mark of godliness. Rather he’s probably a musician whose day job is a 1920s bootlegger on Boardwalk Empire.

Answered by a man with a guitar with the fashion sense of a used car salesman.

19. LSD: Battle for the Mind

Nevertheless, this design seems straight out of some horror movie from the 1980s. And it doesn't seem something I'd take seriously.

Nevertheless, this design seems straight out of some horror movie from the 1980s. And it doesn’t seem something I’d take seriously.

Based on a hallucinogenic acid trip gone horribly, horribly wrong.

20. Jack Carey: ….In Jesus’ Name

No, I don't want to see a guy like that coming down the stairs. I don't care if he has a Bible in his hand. this guy's creeping me out.

No, I don’t want to see a guy like that coming down the stairs. I don’t care if he has a Bible in his hand. this guy’s creeping me out.

Featuring sacred music performed by a man who looks like a 1970s version of Jim Carrey as a sex offender.

21. Mattie McFerrin: Keep a Light Shining Bright

Still, if anything happens to that oil lamp, everything in that picture will go up in smoke. Not to mention, a lot of hair spray can make a coif like that particularly flammable.

Still, if anything happens to that oil lamp, everything in that picture will go up in smoke. Not to mention, a lot of hair spray can make a coif like that particularly flammable.

And keep that lamp away from her hair.

22. Ronnie Neuman: At the Padded Cell

These guys seem to take prison time with so much stride. Hope the real hardened criminals don't do anything to their instruments. Because that would be bad.

These guys seem to take prison time with so much stride. Hope the real hardened criminals don’t do anything to their instruments. Because that would be bad.

Featuring songs like “Jailhouse Rock,” “Prisoners of Love,” “House of the Rising Sun,” and “Cell Block Tango.”

23. Hal Willis: Mr. Lumberjack

Of course, he was probably aiming for realism here. Because who cares what you wear when you're chopping down trees in the woods (besides protective gear)?

Of course, he was probably aiming for realism here. Because who cares what you wear when you’re chopping down trees in the woods (besides protective gear)?

Because a man with a striped rainbow coat and an axe is a pinnacle of masculinity.

24. Teen Challenge Addicts Choir

For some reason, they have kid choir juxtaposed with a person shooting up. I don't know why they thought this was a good idea. Because it's not.

For some reason, they have kid choir juxtaposed with a person shooting up. I don’t know why they thought this was a good idea. Because it’s not.

For those young born again junkies shooting up for their Lord.

25. Les Pallbearer and His All-Ghoul Orchestra: Music for Morticians

Hopefully, this doesn't have the kind of music that would wake the dead. Guaranteed to give you the "fun" in funeral before you take a trip the destination of 6 feet under.

Hopefully, this doesn’t have the kind of music that would wake the dead. Guaranteed to give you the “fun” in funeral before you take a trip the destination of 6 feet under.

The kind of music that’ll make you feel good as you make the dead look good.

26. The Gospel Rhythm-Aires: I’ll Never Be Afraid

For some reason, I don't see a volcano destroying an entire city as one of a doomsday message of faith, hope, and salvation. In fact, it's more like an apocalyptic scenario guaranteed to make me shit my pants.

For some reason, I don’t see a volcano destroying an entire city as one of a doomsday message of faith, hope, and salvation. In fact, it’s more like an apocalyptic scenario guaranteed to make me shit my pants.

Guess these people kind of know where they’re a gonna’ go when the volcano blows.

27. Yvette Horner: Bal Chez Yvette

A smoking dog playing the accordion? Now that's pretty messed up. Wonder how they came up with that idea.

A smoking dog playing the accordion? Now that’s pretty messed up. Wonder how they came up with that idea.

Featuring her smoking and sunglasses wearing dog Blackie at the accordion.

28. The Best of Marcel Marceau

So let me get this straight, Marcel Marceau actually released an album? How does that work? Because he's not known for his audio recordings.

So let me get this straight, Marcel Marceau actually released an album? How does that work? Because he’s not known for his audio recordings.

Heard it’s great for French mime parties. Just two sides of absolute silence.

29. Steve Allen: Electrified Favorites

Yeah, I don't think being near electrical devices while soaking your feet is a good idea. Might get you killed.

Yeah, I don’t think being near electrical devices while soaking your feet is a good idea. Might get you killed.

Featuring one of his last known original songs, “Burned to a Crisp.”

30. Music to Clean Up Stream Pollution By

Ironically, this was created by Union Carbide, the chemical company that brought you the 1984 Bhopal disaster in India that has left an estimated 500,000 exposed and 20,000 dead from its effects. It's like an album saving ocean life that was produced by BP.

Ironically, this was created by Union Carbide, the chemical company that brought you the 1984 Bhopal disaster in India that has left an estimated 500,000 exposed and 20,000 dead from its effects. It’s like an album saving ocean life that was produced by BP.

Listen to the tunes such as Big Mouth Billy Bass’s “Don’t Take Me to the River.”

31. Elmer G. Letterman: Personal Power Through Creative Selling

Uh, I don't think property damage through nuclear holocaust isn't covered. Because that's considered a risky investment. Still, why the hell do they have a mushroom cloud on this album? Seriously, why?

Uh, I don’t think property damage through nuclear holocaust isn’t covered. Because that’s considered a risky investment. Still, why the hell do they have a mushroom cloud on this album? Seriously, why?

Let this big name insurance expert literally blow your mind.

32. The Nickel Family Singers: Love Is Why and Other Devotional Themes

For some reason, the people's heads in this seem photoshopped to their bodies. Also, the kids seem like they're straight out of the Village of the Damned wearing red suits. Bound to give anyone nightmares.

For some reason, the people’s heads in this seem photoshopped to their bodies. Also, the kids seem like they’re straight out of the Village of the Damned wearing red suits. Bound to give anyone nightmares.

Because there’s nothing like a wholesome Christian album featuring a family that will creep you out.

33. Mellodies of Dick Kossins

So this band is basically controlled by some old lady who's using the musicians as marionettes. Do you see how messed up that is?

So this band is basically controlled by some old lady who’s using the musicians as marionettes. Do you see how messed up that is?

Musicians orchestrated by some old lady puppetmeister in a blue dress.

34. Reverend Danny Nance: Jesus and Superman

And it seems that the people are paying more attention to Jesus than the Man of Steel. Then again, after what he did in Man of Steel, I think Jesus might need to teach Superman a lesson in incurring collateral damage.

And it seems that the people are paying more attention to Jesus than the Man of Steel. Then again, after what he did in Man of Steel, I think Jesus might need to teach Superman a lesson in incurring collateral damage.

Because for many these are men of truth, justice, and the American way. But while one may save the day, the other will save your soul from eternal damnation.

35. Jed Ford: I Saw the Light

Then again, he might've mistaken the light for the sun. Or he might've meant it as a metaphor for a spiritual awakening. However, his suit on the other hand, seems like he bought it from a cartoon resale shop.

Then again, he might’ve mistaken the light for the sun. Or he might’ve meant it as a metaphor for a spiritual awakening. However, his suit on the other hand, seems like he bought it from a cartoon resale shop.

However, it was so blindingly bright that I now wear shades.

36. Moostash Joe: “Dance Little Bird”

Then again, given the outlandish songs at costumes at Eurovision, I wouldn't be surprised if someone performed this song in such a costume. Also, seems more like a funky chicken to me.

Then again, given the outlandish songs at costumes at Eurovision, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone performed this song in such a costume. Also, seems more like a funky chicken to me.

Said to be “Europe’s most popular song.”

37. Rare Gold

I'm sorry, but the guy in the album reminds me so much of Ted Cruz who almost everyone hates. And I'd not want him to put a gold chain around my neck.

I’m sorry, but the guy in the album reminds me so much of Ted Cruz who almost everyone hates. And I’d not want him to put a gold chain around my neck.

Or as I call it, “The Courtship and Marriage of Senator Ted Cruz.”

38. Money Is To Burn

Now that's guy's a complete idiot. Putting your money in your grill. Bet he's going to regret that.

Now that’s guy’s a complete idiot. Putting your money in your grill. Bet he’s going to regret that.

Featuring songs like “Cookin’ the Books” and “Fiscal Inferno.”

39. Star Point: Keep on It

Apparently to them, the disco years are alive and well in outer space. Too bad, they'd look like they come from the 1970s on Earth.

Apparently to them, the disco years are alive and well in outer space. Too bad, they’d look like they come from the 1970s on Earth.

Looks like this is from a non-existent funky disco future.

40. Beth Brown: School Book for Dogs

Uh, dogs don't go to school unless if it's for service or obedience. Also, I don't think dogs read either. Ridiculous.

Uh, dogs don’t go to school unless if it’s for service or obedience. Also, I don’t think dogs read either. Ridiculous.

Because with how things are going these days, your pooch might need to learn the skills to get by in this dog-eat-dog world.

41. The Joy Boys: Cookin’ Up a Party

I'm sorry but I don't think confetti is even edible. It's also quite flammable, too. So I wouldn't want any near a stove.

I’m sorry but I don’t think confetti is even edible. It’s also quite flammable, too. So I wouldn’t want any near a stove.

However, just don’t ask them to cook up any food on the stove.

42. Yngwie J. Malmstein: Trilogy

Uh, does he have any idea that the dragon is burning up his guitar? Perhaps it's not a magical object after all.

Uh, does he have any idea that the dragon is burning up his guitar? Perhaps it’s not a magical object after all.

Behold, 3 headed dragon, the power of my magic electric guitar!

43. Cocktails Dancing: Cocktail Music for Robots

Let me guess, is this a disco album? Thought so. Still, they seem to do quite fine in a place known to have no atmosphere whatsoever.

Let me guess, is this a disco album? Thought so. Still, they seem to do quite fine in a place known to have no atmosphere whatsoever.

Since when would robots ever enjoy cocktails? I don’t get it.

44. Green and Iles: Keep It Gay Conversational Music

Even more funny is that this features a straight couple as far as we know. Yeah, they're totally not keeping it gay in the modern context.

Even more funny is that this features a straight couple as far as we know. Yeah, they’re totally not keeping it gay in the modern context.

Nowadays, this title has a very different meaning.

45. Jimmy Fontana: Non Te Ne Andare

I'm sure the kidnappers will have no trouble getting the ransom from her loved ones. After all, she seems like a gorgeous woman. But still, this is a really messed up cover. Being kidnapped and tied up like that isn't sexy in most situations.

I’m sure the kidnappers will have no trouble getting the ransom from her loved ones. After all, she seems like a gorgeous woman. But still, this is a really messed up cover. Being kidnapped and tied up like that isn’t sexy in most situations.

Guess it means something along the lines of “all tied up.”

46. Leona Anderson: Music to Suffer By

You know if it's music to suffer by, chances are that you don't want to listen to it. Also, the broken record speaks for itself.

You know if it’s music to suffer by, chances are that you don’t want to listen to it. Also, the broken record speaks for itself.

For some reason, I bet the music on this album isn’t any good.

47. Anna Russell in Darkest Africa

Now this is really racist. Really, depicting African tribesmen as hostile like this really offends the people there. Seriously, they're not all like that.

Now this is really racist. Really, depicting African tribesmen as hostile like this really offends the people there. Seriously, they’re not all like that.

And I see that she managed to get put in a basket by a bunch of headhunters, I mean African tribesmen.

48. Jim Post: I Love My Life

And another example of attempted fanservice gone wrong. Yeah, kind of seems like a mad guy having the shower curtain pulled on him.

And another example of attempted fanservice gone wrong. Yeah, kind of seems like a mad guy having the shower curtain pulled on him.

And for extra sales, he’s going shirtless under a waterfall.

49. Kevin Rowland: My Beauty

No, I don't think a guy trying on his girlfriend's clothes is a good idea. Mostly because they'd mostly be too small and will be stretched out anyway.

No, I don’t think a guy trying on his girlfriend’s clothes is a good idea. Mostly because they’d mostly be too small and will be stretched out anyway.

Featuring him getting dressed in women’s clothes, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

50. Dick Black and His Band: A Taste of Dick Black

Now this looks like it could pass for a mundane album cover without a fuss. If only if it weren't that this accordion player has a very unfortunate name. Because the title is unintentionally hilarious.

Now this looks like it could pass for a mundane album cover without a fuss. If only if it weren’t that this accordion player has a very unfortunate name. Because the title is unintentionally hilarious.

Please don’t tell me what I think it means.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Second Edition)

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

As you probably know by now, Christmas albums are what many recording artists are contractually obligated to do during their summer vacations. And yes, if you work in retail, you’ll have to deal with Christmas music for several hours straight that you’ll soon have all the songs stuck in your head. Let’s just say hearing the torture of Wham!’s “Last Christmas” one thing I don’t miss about working at Macy’s this holiday season. And let’s just say that after the holiday season, these Christmas albums will end up at some discount rack at Big Lots. Last year, I did a post on vintage Christmas album covers that many of you have taken to. So I decided to do another one since there are so many vintage album covers out there pertaining to Christmas. And yes, many of them are amusingly horrible beyond all description that you have to see for yourself. So without further adieu, here is a treasure trove of more vintage Christmas album covers for when you really need a break from hearing all the Christmas music in your head after a shopping trip.

  1. Sesame Street: Merry Christmas
0c0f44c27957597c9fdbd0983f64c4f0

Uh, let’s just hope that Bert got tangled in the bead garlands by accident. But since people think they’re gay and Fifty Shades of Grey being a pop culture hit, this is probably one of the most unintentionally inappropriate children’s album covers of all time. I mean Grover and Cookie Monster now look understandably horrified at the moment.

Nothing beats a wholesome family Christmas like hearing your favorite yuletide carols while Ernie and Bert decorate their Christmas tree with Grover and Cookie Monster.

2. Jingle Cats: Merry Christmas

1-3

Good: Might help curb rodent infestations. Bad: Seriously, “Jingle Bells” is annoying as it is but do you really want to listen to cats meowing to it? Ugly: Might give your cat an inferiority complex.

Finally a Christmas album for the crazy cat fan that has felines singing 2o holiday classics.

3. Dean Martin: A Winter Romance

6a00d83451ccbc69e2010536aac17b970c-400wi

I think Dino might have to watch out for the creepy blond woman who’s plotting to murder his girlfriend in a way that it would look like an accident. Yeah, let’s just say women like that would make a winter romance turn into a winter nightmare.

Nothing says Christmas like snow, skiing, and having a very creepy stalker obsession with Dean Martin.

4. The Joyful Sounds: Guide Me Lord

6a00d83451ccbc69e2011279168d7d28a4-400wi

As someone who’s seen Hairspray, I think these women have more chemicals in their hair than the whole cast put together. Wonder how long it took for these women to style their hair in the morning.

Celebrate the birth of our Lord with yuletide Christian music, modestly red and blue dresses with white collars and cuffs, and tons of hairspray.

5. Christmas at Our House

13-Christmas-At-Our-House-630-80

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think Uncle Charlie’s idea of playtime involves toy trains or toys of any other kind. I think it involves Uncle Charlie doing unspeakable things to Billy in the bathroom.

“C’mon, Billy, be a dear and spend time with your Uncle Charlie this Christmas. You only get to see him few times a year.”

6. Asleep at the Wheel: Merry Texas Christmas Y’all

6

I understand Asleep at the Wheel is the group’s name. But I’m not sure if it makes a great name to put on a Christmas album cover. It just brings to mind a car accident waiting to happen instead of good cheer. Also the armadillo is freaky.

In Texas, they tend to celebrate Christmas a little differently with decorations like armadillos, cowboy boots, cacti, and longhorn skulls.

7. Christmas at the Devil’s House

17-2

“Santa, ramp up your amp and play your guitar hard./’Cause Hell’s broke loose in North Pole and the Devil deals the cards./And if you win you get this shiny guitar made of gold,/But if you lose the devil gets your soul……”

When the Devil went down to Georgia, he challenged Johnny to the fiddle duel. When Santa went to hell, they dueled with electric guitars.

8. Rusty Diamonds: Rusty Diamonds Vol. 4 X-mas Project

31-7

Now I’m not sure what to make of pose. I mean her nipples are showing and you can almost see her crotch. That ain’t right.

Of course, sex sells in the music industry. So during the Christmas season having a cover of a girl in a Santa hat and spandex helps.

9. Charo: (Mamacita) ¿Donde Esta Santa Claus?

36-9

Wonder how Charo managed to survive winter without losing her legs. Seriously, high red stockings will not keep you warm below freezing temperatures.

When looking at this my question to Charo is “¿Donde esta su pantalones? ¡Esta frio, su pendejo!”

10. Michele Richard: Noel

57

Seems like Santa Claus really isn’t enjoying being hugged in this photo op. But he just didn’t have the courage to say, no, no, no.

While Santa may delight having children sit on his lap, this isn’t always the case with teens and adults.

11. Dj Scream Kickstand: Santa Claus: Toys, Trees, and Snow

21-creepy-christmas-album-covers-image-5

Now I see nothing wrong with a gangta rap Christmas album. And I don’t see anything wrong with a black Santa either. However, seeing Santa wielding an AK-47 is just plain wrong.

Because nothing says “Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men” like Santa Claus wearing a bandanna and sunglasses while wielding an AK-47.

12. Celtic Woman: Home for Christmas

91j2j8oFUvL._SL1500_

Of course, when designing Celtic Woman’s Christmas album, it’s said that Lisa Frank’s dog got loose and took a giant dump all over it. They were never able to clean up the mess.

Now I can’t decide whether this album design is supposed to be a Christmas tree or a technicolor turd.

13. NORAD Tracks Santa

57895266_aff5139af5

Of course, if you want to track Santa on Christmas Eve, maybe it’s better to listen to NORAD on the radio. Why get Santa news reports from a record anyway? Kind of freaky if you think about it.

Finally, an album tracking Santa’s movements from the North Pole on Christmas Eve.

14. Merry Music for Christmas

322640406_064d423a36

While Cindy and Randy played like sports during the photo shoot, Janie wanted none of that. Of course, they had to go with the best photo in the bunch.

Apparently one of these kids would like to offer a second opinion.

15. Adventures in Carols

Adventures-in-Carols-The-Sound-of-Tomorrow-Today

Not sure if that rocket’s going to hold all the toys, Danta. Also, what’s with the other Santas at the launch site? Or are they elves? I don’t know.

This year, instead of a sleigh, Santa will deliver all the toys to kids from a rocket that’s launched from a large anti-aircraft gun.

16. Mickey Rooney: Merry, Merry Micklemas

3116689699_2e38faee54

Looking at him like this, I find it hard to believe this guy was a huge star in his prime as well as married 8 times. One of these was Ava Gardner out of all people. Vanity Fair said he’s “the original Hollywood trainwreck.”

Nothing beats Christmas than seeing and old Mickey Rooney in a Santa beard and long underwear.

17. Sufjan Stevens and Friends: Let It Snow!: Songs for Christmas Vol. 9

AKR100_v9_let_it_snow

For God’s sake, who the hell thought this would make a great idea for a Christmas album cover? This is just totally sick. Hopefully, this album came out before the Jerry Sandusky scandal at Penn State. But I may be wrong.

Because nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a boy taking a steaming hot shower.

18. Nina and Frederik: Christmas at Home with Nina and Frederik

bizarre-christmas-album-cover_christmas-at-home_nina-and-frederik

From The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit: “From the looks of Frederik, there’s only one of four things he wants to do this Christmas. 1. Sex you up. 2. Chop you into little pieces. 3. Sex you up and then chop you into little pieces. 4. Chop you into little pieces and then sex you up.” Why doesn’t he just make it convenient and get a woodchipper like in Fargo? Oh, sorry about that, Steve Buschemi.

When it comes to the holidays, Nina and Frederik prefer to spend Christmas at their peaceful cabin in the woods.

19. Stan and Doug: Yust Go Nuts on Christmas

BorensonGonuts

From Cracked: “Ah, nothing says Christmas like a cross-dressing, possibly mentally challenged man fighting Santa over an ugly doll. It’s just like in that classic Christmas carol, ‘I Saw Mommy Try to Stop Daddy from Wearing Her Dresses and Cold-Cocking Santa.'” Don’t ask me, I wasn’t consulted.

Okay, not sure if I want to know what that guy in the little boy get up is doing to that doll. Or why Santa is touching it.

20. Dear Santa Let’s Disco

dear-santa-lets-disco-worst-christmas-albums

I pray to God that this girl is at least 18. Because from her eyes, I don’t think she just wants to disco with Santa. Also, why would anyone want to disco with Santa?

Nothing says Christmas in the Disco Era like a supposedly teenage girl erotically licking a candy cane.

21. Christopher Bowes: Christmas at the Organ

Christopher-Boowe-Christmas-at-the-Organ

From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “Think of it ladies-an evening of Mr. Bowes regaling us on his male organ and drinking his drugged wine, waiting to open the gifts of boxed-up body parts under the tree. Happy holidays!” I’ll pass, thank you very much. Seriously, I don’t want to drink with this guy.

There’s nothing more romantic at Christmas than spending a night near the tree drinking wine with a guy who might resemble a potential date rapist or serial killer.

22. Paul Holt: Fifty Grand for Christmas

10

Then again, he probably wishes he had 50 grand for Christmas. But with this album cover, he probably should’ve went with “I’ll Be Broke for Christmas.”

Of course, this guy wished he had 50 grand for Christmas. But he had to settle for a cheap album cover with some cheap ass hookers.

23. Dennis Day: Dennis Day Sings Christmas Is for Family

Dennis-Day-Christmas-

Of course, Jack Benny played the violin badly as part of his comic routine. However, I don’t think his comedy translates well when he’s in a Santa suit. Also, I think the kids are more anxious about opening presents than Jack Benny anyway.

Yes, kiddos, enjoy Christmas morning in your jammies with a private violin recital by the great Jack Benny in a Santa suit. Fun for the whole family.

24. Carol Channing: The Year Without a Santa Claus

enhanced-buzz-31349-1293121277-14

Yes, that’s Carol Channing. Yes, she’s a famous celebrity. No, I don’t think she made a lot of horror movies. Yeah, I do think her face is bound to give little children nightmares.

From looking at this cover, I’m wondering if The Year Without a Santa Claus is a horror story.

25. The New Christy Minstrels: Christmas with the Christies

fa42f97e0d0f672f41956d6f1c0dadcb

Yeah, decorate your hair with ornaments and lights. Of course, you’d have to walk slow so the baubles won’t fall off. And you can’t walk too far from the electrical outlet those lights are plugged in.

For festive holiday hair this Christmas, find a style you can decorate like a Christmas tree.

26. Fats Domino: Christmas Is a Special Day

fats-domino

That poor pooch probably doesn’t care for photo ops. Or maybe Fats Domino Christmas music. Wonder why it looks so blase. What a way to ruin a picture.

Yes, Christmas is a special day, indeed. But for Fats’s bichon frise, it doesn’t seem a happy one.

27. Mickey Gilley: Christmas at Gilley’s

GilleyXmas

Uh, Santa, I don’t think it’s a good idea to drive a magic reindeer pulled sleigh while under the influence. I mean this is how some kids get the wrong toys.

When Santa comes to the Gilleys, he always likes to raise a bottle of Texas booze while the country music’s playing.

28. Stan Freberg: Green Christmas and the Meaning of Christmas

green-christmas

I think this is supposed to be a satire on Christmas commercialism, consumerism, and materialism. And from how I see his face, he kind of looks pretty depressed about it.

Of course, his idea of a “green” Christmas has more to do with the Benjamins than with saving the environment.

29. Gunther & the Sunshine Girls: Christmas Song (Ding Dong)

Gunther-Christmas

From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “I’m thinking our friend Gunther gets his “ding dong” licked by that poor, wretched dog each night. That ‘stache and Gunther’s pouty lips make me want to cancel Christmas.”

Okay, is that a guy or a woman in drag? I can’t really tell.

30. The Mastertone Orchestra: A Singer Christmas for the Family

MastertoneSew

This boy seems like: “A sewing machine? What kind of lame ass gift is that? Why couldn’t you let me unwrap a Roughrider BB gun that I asked for?”

Because nothing excites the family on Christmas morning more than a new Singer sewing machine.

31. Archie Wood and his Friends: Christmas Album

maxresdefault

Okay that castle looks fairly run down. Not sure what to make out about the dogs. But I have to admit, that dummy is just completely terrifying if you ask me.

Think of this bunch as a mashup of Mister Rogers Neighborhood and your worst childhood nightmares.

32. Muzak: Stimulus Progression No. 3 Christmas

Muzak

Heard they play this kind of music at Guatanamo Bay and in customer service departments. Let’s just say that Muzak is what they play on occasions like enhanced interrogations, when you’re on hold, or to drive away some unruly teens from loitering.

Because nothing makes Christmas better than hearing your favorite yuletide carols in the form of elevator music.

33. Perry Como: The Perry Como Christmas Album

Perry Como Christmas album

Now my grandma is a huge fan of this guy. Still, with a voice like his and tons of fan girls, they should’ve been able to come up with a better design than some creepy photoshop like this.

Celebrate Christmas by listening to music coming from Perry Como’s disembodied head on a Christmas wreath.

34. Ray Charles: The Spirit of Christmas

ray-charles

Look, Ray Charles is a musical legend and a great singer and musician. Love his music and love Ray. However, this is not the kind of guy who should be driving a one horse open sleigh. Seriously, the guy’s blind as a bat. Not to mention, he wasn’t quite sober and clean.

If you think Perry Como’s head on wreath was creepy, you should see Ray Charles driving a sleigh.

35. Jimmy Pelham: Santa! Watch Your Claws

Santa-Watch-Your-Claws

And it seems like Mommy and Santa are about to be getting into the nasty. Yes, Santa is a pervert and a very naughty boy.

If you think seeing mommy kissing Santa Claus was traumatizing, how about seeing mommy sitting on Santa’s lap?

36. Harry Secombe: Christmas Cheer

secombe

You know the creepy uncle you only see on holidays? You know the one who travels around in a windowless van your parents won’t let you in? Well, he released a Christmas album.

Because Santa Claus isn’t the only fat guy around who likes children around him. But at least Harry Secombe doesn’t need to sneak into their houses.

37. Six Million Dollar Man: Christmas Adventures