It’s that time of year again when Christmas music beckons in the stores to the point of basically making your ears bleed. Working at Macy’s, I have had to hear hours worth of Christmas music during my shifts, which sometimes makes me sick of hearing it. Yet, there’s this song I particularly despise called “Last Christmas” originally recorded by Wham!, wondering if it’s perhaps the most played Christmas song at the Guantanamo Bay Detention Center. And I admit, just to listen to that song once is torture. Still, imagine being the people who have to do these songs either as the artist or the songwriter (sometimes both, but these are old songs). Did you know that a lot of guys who wrote a great portion of your favorite Christmas songs were Jews? Of course, we all know about Irving Berlin writing “White Christmas” but a Jewish guy also wrote the song “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Then of course, you have a lot of high profile artists do Christmas albums which usually sell before ending up on the discount rack in some Big Lots after the Christmas season. Still, we know that a lot of these musical recording artists probably have contractual obligations, record the album in July, and probably don’t want to sing a lot unoriginal songs for an album that will only sell a part of the year. Still, without further adieu, here’s a treasure trove of some of the tackiest Christmas album covers just to get your mind off the Christmas music you probably can’t get out of your head.
1. Thore Skogman: Klappa Pa!
This guy seems very enthusiastic about his Christmas sausage. Seems like he’s a bit of a gourmand himself. Still, hope he’s not from the Eastern Bloc since I wouldn’t know how he obtained that fruit.
I suppose in this man’s country, “Klappa Pa!” means Christmas sausage time.
2. Eilert Pilarm: Eilerts Jul
He looks more like the drunken IT guy at the office Christmas party than anything relating to a Santa’s helper version of Elvis Presley. Probably passes out in the middle of “Blue Christmas.”
Merry Christmas from the North Pole’s resident Elvis Impersonator.
3. Conway Twitty: A Twismas Story with Twitty Bird and Their Little Friends
Yes, that looks like Tweety Bird all right. Still, while Tweety Bird went on to become a fantastic and beloved Looney Tunes character for generations, Twitty Bird’s alcoholism went from bad to worse and he was found dead in his cage from liver cirrhosis a la Hank Williams style.
I’m sure Warner Brothers threatened to sue if Conway Twitty used Tweety Bird.
4. Lenny Dee: Happy Holi-dee
He may not be Santa but I’d certainly would never let my dog sit on his lap. After all, he seems to harbor evil in his eyes.
Oh, Lenny! You and your poodles! I bet they ride on your lap in your car, too!
5. 24 Sint Nicolaasliedjes
Of course, after listening to David Sedaris’ “6 to 8 Black Men” essay, there was no way I could leave this one out. Still, if your Secret Santa recipient is black, stay away from this one.
For any traditional Dutch Christmas with Saint Nick and gift giving tar babies in all.
6. The Hokner Kazoo Orchestra: Christmas with Kazoo
It’s like an instrumental version of the horrible Kidz Bop series. Still, seriously, why would anyone in their right mind think this was a good idea?
Listen to Christmas music on kiddie toy instruments.
7. White Christmas
Man, this guy seems like he’s a. stepped on his kids’ legos, b. received a hit in the groin from karate class, c. is constipated, d. passing a kidney stone, or e. all of the above.
So, apparently Christmas albums are a thing in South Korea. Boy, that guy must be in serious pain.
8. A First Christmas Record for Children
Now this Santa is just terrifying beyond all description. Seriously, what were the album designers thinking? Then again, they were probably under contract anyway.
If you want your children to develop a love of Christmas songs and a lifelong fear of Santa, then this is the album for you.
9. Merry Christmas with the Mom and Dads
Actually, when I see their faces, I seriously feel kind of creeped out instead of welcomed. Seriously, I’m sure there’s a dead body in their house somewhere.
Kind of like a Christmas version of Mama Mia! but with ugly people and not ABBA.
10. Kiro Slabinac: Christmas with Kiro
Now this probably have to be the cheesiest Santa Claus I’ve ever seen which doesn’t have an ounce of jolly in him. Seriously, that 1970s looking stache makes him more suitable for some porn or exploitation film than anything relating to wholesome entertainment. Also, seems like he’d basically bash your brains out during a pool tournament at the North Pole.
I’m sorry, folks, but I’m sure Santa Claus doesn’t really belong in the glam rock scene or studio wrestling for that matter.
11. Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album
Yes, Star Wars fans, this does exist. So you can hear all your Christmas favorites sung by your favorite Star Wars characters. Also, it was Han who shot Santa Claus first.
Merry Christmas a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away…
12. Christmas on Death Row
I’m sure nobody wants to hear Sherman and the Skinheads’ version of “White Christmas,” do you? I’m sure that one has nothing to do with snow.
Hear all your Christmas favorites sung by the likes of some of the most dangerous criminals in the country.
13. The Black & White Minstrel Show featuring the George Mitchell Minstrels: The Magic of Christmas
Seriously, why the fuck does this album exist? You mean they were still doing minstrel shows at this time? Shouldn’t these be burned already? And I don’t mean burned as CDs. I mean like bonfire burned so nobody would see such minstrel albums again. Wait until the NAACP hears about this.
Enjoy Christmas like your white ancestors did in a way you’d really want to forget. Available in all Jim Crow and KKK record stores. Key songs are: “Have Yourself a Racist Little Christmas,” “White Christmas,” “Burn the Fiery Cross,” “The Little Klu Klux Boy,” and “Yuletide Lynching Time.”
14. The Blues Busters: Merry Christmas
However, I don’t know what to make of having these two guys’ disembodied heads on a Christmas wreath. Now that looks really freaky.
Merry Christmas from the black guys who seem to be ripping off the Blues Brothers, at least in name anyway.
15. Gaby Berger: Du Bist Nicht Der Weihnachts-Mann
After posing on this album with Psycho Claus, Gaby Berger would never be seen again. It’s rumored that the guy behind the Santa mask brutally murdered her in cold blood.
I’m no expert in German but I’m sure this means “A Silent Night with Psycho Claus.”
16. X-Mas Project
Is it just me or do those rock Santas seem like they’ve just come out of the grave for some reason? Also, I’m sure the cover artist was fired immediately after doing this.
Celebrate the season with this rock group of Santa death metal musicians.
17. Tiny Tim: Tiny Tim’s Christmas Album
Of course, while Tiny Tim may have the kind of face you’d like to see on some heavy metal or real dark emo cover, he actually had a rather high pitched voice and was known for doing, “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” on a ukelele. And he got married on a late night show. Nevertheless, he was a very creepy dude.
Despite the cover imagery, this album doesn’t fall under death metal or emo. In fact, quite the contrary to the fans’ disappointment.
18. The Surfers: Christmas from Hawaii
Of course, the Surfers actually wanted a different artificial Christmas tree, but the aluminum pink one was the only one the store had that could fit on their boat.
Because nothing stirs up your nostalgia for Christmas more than four shirtless Polynesian guys rowing a canoe with a pink aluminum Christmas tree on it.
19. Santa’s Helpers: All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth & Festive Favorites for Children
At least if this kid had some form of corrective vision surgery, he might be significantly less creepy than he seems in this album cover. Seriously, what were they thinking?
Well, this child has his two front teeth but perhaps you might want to buy this album so he could have some corrective vision surgery for being cross eyed.
20. Wilf Carter: Christmas in Canada
Seriously, if it didn’t say “Christmas in Canada” I would’ve mistaken this for some country western album. I don’t know what the Canadians think about such a design, but here in America, we don’t associate Canadians with cowboy culture. Probably should’ve used a Mountie or a hockey player instead.
Because nothing reminds us of a Canadian Christmas more than a man dressed as a snazzy cowboy holding a guitar. Oh, wait, I’m thinking of Texas.
21. Heino: Deutcshe Weihnacht…und Festliche Lieder
For those who haven’t seen my post on tacky album covers back in February, Heino’s the guy I said seems more appropriate for some Dieter inspired music video. He was the guy holding the roses. And he’s even more terrifying in shades.
Man, I didn’t know that Dieter’s creepy blond friend had a Christmas album. Must be very popular back in Germany.
22. The Border Brass: Tijuana Christmas
Also, I don’t know about you, but I’m sure Tijuana, Mexico isn’t known for their harsh snowy winters during the Christmas season. In fact, the average winter temperatures in Tijuana are usually in the upper 50s and you don’t have a white Christmas in those weather conditions.
Or as someone who spent high school and college playing in marching band: How Not to Decorate Your Instrument for Christmas. I mean putting baubles at the bell end of your trumpet is a very terrible idea. Also, playing with mittens doesn’t help either.
23. Colonel Sanders: Christmas with Colonel Sanders
Seriously, how did this album ever come to exist? Then again, it’s tradition in Japan to eat KFC for Christmas since the 1970s so that probably has something to do with it.
Have a Kentucky Fried Christmas with the Colonel because who in the hell needs healthy arteries this holiday season?
24. Slim Whitman: Christmas with Slim Whitman
Still, despite him looking quite skeevy in his Hugh Hefner style smoking jacket and ascot, I’m sure Slim Whitman’s music will live on forever since it really comes in handy during a Martian invasion. Seriously, it makes Martians’ heads explode.
I’m sure this Christmas album was totally not contractually obligated. Sure it was.
25. Korla Pandit: Merry Xmas
Then again, snake charming Christmas music might really come in handy during this holiday season, especially if you live in areas with a lot of mice and vermin. Of course, this may not be a good thing in Florida with the Burmese Python roaming around. Those can get quite big and possibly eat you.
Finally, the kind of Christmas music to charm snakes with. Also, totally not contractually obligated (yeah right, this guy probably doesn’t even celebrate Christmas).
26. Jimmy Buffet: Christmas Island
Seems like Jimmy Buffet has spent too much time wasting away in Margaritaville. Either that, or has been on an epic adventure searching for his lost shaker of salt. Still, that tan is just atrocious.
Nothing says Christmas like a guy in a Santa hat floating across the sea in a bathtub decked with Christmas lights and tinsel decorations.
27. The Goldiggers: We Need a Little Christmas
I’m sure that’s whatever in those presents aren’t exactly what these women wanted for Christmas. To know what these girls wanted for Christmas, see the track of “Santa Baby.” You get the idea.
Merry Christmas from the Society of Retired Bond Girls, apparently. Then again, these women might’ve been in the James Coburn Our Man Flint series, which my dad likes for some reason. Of course, they were making fun of the Bond movies. Still, that In Like Flint makes me understand why many women became feminists (because it was horribly sexist).
28. Jacob Miller and Ray I: Natty Christmas
Still, unless you live in Colorado and Washington (as far as I know), you might get arrested for having a marijuana Christmas tree. Yet, one of the great things about a pot tree is that you can smoke it after you’re done with it.
Jacob and Ray wish that all of you develop a lot of high times this Christmas and have a stoned New Year.
29. Merry Christmas
As you’ve probably guess, this was recorded in Japan. Still, this little girl seems quite friendly for someone who’s able to crush buildings and eat you alive. Her gigantic condition probably was a side affect from Hiroshima or something.
Merry Christmas from the cherry 100 ft tall Asian child, who’ll probably be destined to square off with Godzilla in Tokyo someday.
30. Joyeux Noel
Seriously, that tan doesn’t look real at all. Still, she doesn’t seem to be in the festive mood for this Christmas season. Then again, they may be aiming for irony here.
Nothing says Christmas than an aluminum Christmas tree and a depressed blond who seems to be spending too much time in the tanning salon.
31. Domencio Savino and his Orchestra and Chorus: Hi-Fi Christmas Party
Of course, how they managed to fit Santa in his bright red sack without damaging the toys, I’ll never know. Oh, yes, magic. Now I remember.
There’s nothing that brings a family together for Christmas than a mother and her children cheerfully attempting to hold Santa hostage in his sack.
32. Sing with Marcy
I have yet to understand the use of why ventriloquism seems to be so rampant in the Christian media. And the dummies always seem to be so creepy. Still, I’m sure Marcy is likely to haunt children in their dreams with her plans for world domination.
Because you celebrate the birth of Christ without hearing a scary woman decked in red and furs sing about Jesus with her equally creepy dummy.
33. Michl Kang: Wenn’s Christmaskindl Kommit
For a traditional German Christmas album, there are so many options for a cover. I mean they could’ve used Saint Nicholas giving sweets to children or a rustic village in the snow. Why they chose Grandpa making children cry, I have no idea.
Looks like Grandpa made young Jurgen cry after he told the kiddies about the legendary Krampus. Probably scared the shit out him that there’s a large dark spot on Jurgen’s lederhosen.
34. Jackie Gleason: All I Want for Christmas
For those unfamiliar with vintage pop culture, let me tell you that Jackie Gleason wasn’t known for being blond bombshell singer and model. In fact, Jackie Gleason was actually a guy known for his work as an actor, comedian, and musician best remembered as Ralph Kramden from The Honeymooners. Also, he was know to have dark hair and be overweight as well as didn’t achieve widespread fame until he was in his late 30s. Having him in a Santa suit on the cover would’ve been more appropriate.
When your job is to design an album cover and you’ve run out of ideas, you’ll more likely go with putting a blond bombshell in a Santa suit on it.
35. Rudy Ray Moore: This Ain’t No White Christmas
Yes, I know this cover is fairly offensive to the African American community, yet at least this is better than the covers featuring blackface. Still, for those thinking that rap covers are offensive, you might want to send an apology.
Because there’s no better way to say “Merry Christmas” in the realm of blackploitation. Also a way of telling the world, “I’m a pimp.”
36. Phil Spector: Christmas Album
We should’ve known that Phil Spector was a mad man capable of killing somebody. Yet, we ignored this album image because he was known to produce really great records with the Beatles, John Lennon, and the Ramones.
Now this Santa seems so sketchy with an insane look in his eyes that you’d think he might be out to kill somebody. Oh, wait, that’s Phil Spector so he did. And that snow looks totally fake.
37. Bordello Mamas: Julvisor
Still, I have to admire this cover artist’s use of having at least one full figured woman in here. However, Santa has a lot to answer for if Mrs. Claus ends up contracting genital herpes.
Nothing excites a bunch of naked women more than a pantsless Santa and his sack full of dildos. Possibly the most inappropriate album cover I’ve ever seen as well as the most unnecessary since porn is more of a visual medium if you know what I mean.
38. Nuttin’ and Suzy Snowflake: Nuttin’ for Christmas and Suzy Snowflake
Yes, I’m sure this album will make an unforgettable as if these two terrifying puppets are about to murder you in your sleep. Seriously, they’re creepy as hell.
Now you get a glimpse on what it’s like to spend the holidays with Chucky’s family.
39. Liberace: Twas the Night Before Christmas
Still, whether you like it or not, I’m sure that there can be no more appropriate image for Liberace Christmas album than having him in his ridiculous multi-decker fur coat. Of course, let’s hope it’s not made from baby seals.
If it weren’t for Liberace being flamboyantly gay, I would’ve sworn that he was Lady Gaga’s biological father.
40. Lagna Fieta and his Orchestra: Natal Dancante
I know that the title translates to: “Christmas Dance Party” from Portuguese. Yet, when I see a picture of two lets sticking out from a sack, I don’t think the term “dance party” comes to mind. Seems like Santa Claus has some explaining to do.
Or as I call it: Santa Claus and the Missing White Woman.
41. Kay Martin and her Body Guards: I Know What He Wants for Christmas But I Don’t Know How to Wrap It!
Man, this album cover does demonstrate how sex seems to sell in the music industry. Still, it’s kind of funny considering that SNL did a sketch on a similar matter with the music video to “Dick in a Box.” Yet, when it comes to wrapping, ladyparts are a bit more complicated.
For God’s sake, lady, I’m sure we all know how to keep your present a secret this Christmas. Still, he might appreciate something more concrete like a new wallet, some tools an gadgets, or perhaps a jersey from his favorite sports team.
42. Merry Christmas to You
Even more ironic is that this album features artists such as Pat Boone, the Lennon Sisters, the Mills Brothers, and the Lawrence Welk Orchestra. These artists weren’t exactly people you’d expect on an album with such a provocative cover.
Apparently, in the 1960s, being clothed in nothing but clear plastic was considered wholesomely dressed.
43. Ross Christman: Space Age Santa Claus
I just have a few questions about this picture. For one, why is that tree still alive while Santa is wearing a space helmet? Also, how does Santa keep his toys in his sack within zero gravity?
Santa Claus sends his Christmas wishes, from Space!
44. Tim Dinkins: Christmas on the Moon
Seems like moon fever was so great in the summer of 1969 that it spread over the the Christmas music industry as well. Still, hope Santa got back all right afterwards.
Guess Santa Claus took part in the Apollo Space Program didn’t he? At least this space album makes better sense from the last one. Guess Santa’s involvement was a state secret.
45. The Three Suns: A Ding Dong Dandy Christmas!
Still, I wonder if she either “spread eagle” as they found her or were they involved in some kinky figure skating routine beforehand. Maybe I don’t want to know.
Seems like this woman just got lucky on the ice three times over in “spread eagle” mode. Luckily this wasn’t during the hockey game. Still, makes me shudder to think what kind of figure 8s these guys gave her.
46. It’s a Waffle House Christmas
Seriously, Christmas and Waffle House really don’t go together. I mean besides breakfast, the Waffle House is also known as some sort of dive for drunks and stoners at 2 a.m. Basically a poor man’s version of “Hotel California.”
Celebrate Christmas with the sounds of perhaps one of the more depressing places to stay during the Christmas season.
47. Anne Guest Moore: Welcome to the World of Anne Guest Moore
Well, I’m sure she’s only doing the Santa’s Little Helper gig for the 20% discounts. Still, I guess we all have to get our start somewhere, even if it’s in a velvet costume.
While not spending her nights at lavish parties during the evening as a lady of the night, she spends her time during the day as an elf for Santa at the mall.
48. Connie Francis: Christmas in My Heart
Seriously, whoever she’s on the phone with is probably a telemarker, an ex-boyfriend who can’t take a hint, or both. Either way, she seems moments away from hanging up on the annoying caller in question.
Well, while Christmas may be in her heart, I’m sure the person she’s on the phone with isn’t.
49. John Tesh: A Romantic Christmas
No wonder why the people of Lexington boarded up their houses whenever they thought they heard Paul Revere say, “John Tesh is coming!” Of course, this is coming from a sketch pertaining to a 1990s Warner Brothers cartoon Histeria, which unfortunately isn’t available in DVD. Bastards.
Only romance going on here is whether John Tesh decides to spare this lady from his advances this Christmas Eve.
50. Disco Noel
I don’t know about you but I really don’t think that Christmas and Disco really go together. Still, this woman really seems particularly excited to decorate her home with little ornaments of disco balls.
At your Christmas party, celebrate the holiday season with your Christmas classics set to funky disco music.