A popular holiday tradition that has caught on in recent years is the Elf on the Shelf which is based on a 2005 children’s book written and published by mother and daughter Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell. The book tells of a story of how Santa Claus knows which kids are naughty or nice by sending elves to spy on children between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, after which they return to the North Pole until the next holiday season. Each of these hardbound picture books come with a small soft toy in the form of a pixie scout elf so parents around the world can make this their own holiday tradition, just to make sure their kid belongs on Santa’s “nice” list. Now there are certain rules that parents and children must follow during the elf’s stay inside the home. First, it must maintain a distance and provide a watchful eye for Santa. Second, it must never move or speak while the residents are at home and awake, but can “move” from place to place when no one is around. Third, children must never touch the elf or it will lose its magic. Yeah, I know it’s stupid but what do you know? Still, while it does attract a lot of criticism from parenting experts and sometimes parents, the fact that the Internet is filled with pictures of the family’s elf getting into all kinds of hilarious mischief which got me thinking about doing a post where the Elf on the Shelf does things that would put it on the “naughty” list. Sure you’d like to think that these elves are reporting things about the kids to Santa in the evenings but you can’t really be so certain. So I ask you parents to spy on the Elf on the Shelf and use your camera and the Internet to report whenever the elf is doing something naughty. And I don’t mean the little harmless hijinks like making snow angels in flower. No, I mean stuff that could get a popular children’s show host suffer a fast and hard fall from grace like Pee Wee Herman did (like masturbating while watching a porno in a theater). So if you see your terrifying Elf on the Shelf doing any of these terrible at least PG-13 rated things, please remember to take a picture, show it on the Internet, and call this hotline number to report it via 1-800-555-BAD-ELF1. So without further adieu, here’s a great treasury of Elves on the Shelf gone horribly, wildly, and inappropriately bad. Warning: most of these images aren’t for kids and may be unsafe for work.
1. Seems like Crumpet is enjoying his stay bathing with the resident Barbie dolls.
Of course, he only gets a few weeks a year to bang these Barbie bitches so Crumpet just wants to make the most of it.
2. Crinkles seems to have gone gangsta.’
Crinkles didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose him. Still, he seems decked in aluminum bling with a cup and a grill to match with the watch around his neck.
3. Mom and Dad should’ve known not to play cards for cash with Sugar Bear. Else, he’ll make them bet their car keys.
It’s very unlikely that Mom’s new Hyundai Elantra and Dad’s Toyota Truck will never be seen again after this Christmas Eve. Still, I kind of suspect that Sugar Bear might be cheating or counting cards.
4. Things are about to get frisky between Dangles and Barbie in her pink Malibu SUV she always lets him drive.
Looks like Dangles is going to get in deep trouble once Ken finds out that he’s screwing his girlfriend. Still, at least he wasn’t with GI Joe’s main squeeze. Now that’s a doll you don’t want to mess with.
5. For Kringles, Monday night is Hustler night. It’s just a question what he’s in the mood for.
Let’s hope that Johnny’s parents don’t catch Kringles masturbating in the middle of the night. He’ll never be an Elf on the Shelf next year if he’s caught doing a Pee Wee Herman, again.
6. “Okay, Pattykins, chug that Budlight on the count of three. One, two, three, chug!”
Seems like Pattykins will be totally wasted the next morning after a night of drinking at the Barbie Dolls’ all night bikini party.
7. Looks like Sourball has spent all the DeLazzaros’ money on Powerball tickets.Too bad he hasn’t won yet.
Still, little did Sourball take in mind is that you have less of a chance winning the lottery than being hit by a meteor. I’d also say that winning odds are similar with the Powerball as well.
8. For dinner, Shrimpy is planning on serving oven baked Smurfs tonight.
Of course, for his oven baked Smurfs entree in the toaster oven, Shrimpy will be assisted by traitorous Smurf Chef, “Cannibal.”
9. “You came in like a wrecking ball….”
I’m sure this rendition of the popular Miley Cyrus music video as well as hit song will not sit well with Santa at the North Pole at all.
10. Here’s Dingleberry pictured playing his favorite video game, Grand Theft Auto IV.
I don’t know about you but shouldn’t anyone be concerned whenever there’s an Elf on the Shelf who enjoys graphically violent and possibly pornographic video games? Seriously, think of the children here.
11. “Do you want to slay a snowman? I’m sure it’s fun to do.”
Missy’s latest homicidal rampage on snowmen might be the last straw for Santa if he receives word of it at the North Pole. Yes, this girl’s very vicious with a gun and a sword.
12. It’s time for you to die, Dinkystinks, and fall victim to my dark passenger.
Looks like Dexter won’t show any mercy to even serial killing Elves on the Shelf. This is especially true if he’s known to kill three Barbie doll hookers, Dora the Explorer, and Cinderella. Yes, this is one sick elf.
13. Seems like Gingy joined up with Justin Timberlake so they could present their lady friends with a “dick in a box.”
Men, I know this comes from an SNL sketch and sometimes don’t put a lot of thought of getting gifts for your girlfriends. However, understand giving her your “dick in a box” is a very, very bad idea. You might want to stick to giving her something like jewelry this Christmas instead.
14. Straight from the North Pole, we have Holly the Shelf Elf do her legendary yuletide pole dancing routine.
Well, Holly needs to supplement her income somehow. She can’t live on the meager Elf on the Shelf salary she’s been receiving and her male co-workers are paid in so much more.
15. Just a few days more for Elsie and she’ll be off to the North Pole.
Yet, I’m not sure if Elsie’s idea of relaxation method of lounging in a denim skirt and sandals while drinking Jim Beam will go well with Santa at the North Pole.
16. Looks like Dobbie peed his own name on the little Christmas village.
Just between you and me, I’m sure the Dobby in Harry Potter is much cuter than this creepy elf. At least that Dobby didn’t urinate anywhere in his masters’ house as far as I know.
17. Flickers thinks you might need some fire in your eyes.
I bet you Mrs. Fluglesburg is going to be pissed when she tries to put in her contacts in the morning. Naughty, Flickers!
18. Looks like Captain James T. Kirk isn’t the only guy partial to green girls.
And I see that Pringles has enough money to burn for Frankenstein’s daughter’s pole dancing routine. Shouldn’t an Elf on the Shelf keep away from such joints?
19. Seems like Snowball really likes to play with the family leg lamp.
Of course, I hope Snowball’s fascination with what is better suited for a titty bar doesn’t amount to anything inappropriate. Or did I say that too soon?
20. Seriously, you don’t want to know what he’s doing with that toothbrush.
Oh, my God, that’s really sick. Now I guess their toothbrushes are all covered in elf shit, this family might need to go to Wal Mart or Big Lots.
21. Oh, dear, looks like Noggy just upskirted an angel.
Now Noggy isn’t just in trouble with Santa and the North Pole, he’ll also have to deal with the wrath of God on top of that. Really, God really doesn’t take sexual harassment toward angels very lightly. And that angel will report him.
22. Seems like Hingle is trying to tell us something.
So when Hingle is talking about crabs, is he referring to those stuffed crabs or? Oh, my God, he didn’t did he? Jesus Christ! Well, at least he’s honest.
23. Man, seems like Thistlewhite is making some kind of blue candy. Oh, wait a minute!
Oh, my God, don’t tell me that Thistlewhite has started his own crystal meth business! Seriously, we may need to report him for this before there’s a meth problem among the toys.
24. Seems like Honey Bear has gotten in trouble with the Abominable Snowman and is being barbecued.
Seems like there will be one less Elf on the Shelf returning to the North Pole this Christmas Eve. Of course, the Abominable Snowman can’t wait to eat some delicious elf ribs.
25. Oh, no, seems like Glitter Bug has a paint huffing problem. Dear Lord!
Looks like we need to report this to Santa Claus. Also, that paint huffing can’t be good for Glitter Bug’s magic.
26. Oh, no, looks like Plinker has been sentenced to firing squad.
Either Plinker did something really bad or the Overly house is a repressive dystopian toy dictatorship. Man, wouldn’t want to go there.
27. Of course, if reindeer games amounted to stuff like this, maybe Rudolph was lucky.
Well, I know this reindeer is just a figurine, but I can’t help suspecting this elf for bestiality. Still, Santa won’t be happy about this.
28. Looks like Clinker is having a really wild life with a ballerina doll as far as I can see.
Still, let’s hope that this was consensual and neither regret it in the morning. Still, they’re drinking very strong stuff and will probably have massive hangovers when they wake up.
29. Looks like Blinker was arrested in a domestic dispute with Barbie. Luckily the action figure police was there.
Let’s hope that he didn’t do anything to Barbie and that Ken doesn’t find out. Man, Blinker must be one very bad elf.
30. “Shut up, and give me all you got before I stab you!”
Did Tingles just rob a gas station convenience store? Let’s just say he’s not coming back to the Fosters’ house after this year.
31. “Quick, give him some oxygen, we’re losing him, I tell you!”
Man, seems like spending all night at raves really caught up to Charlie. Man, I love how Mrs. Tyler used her old breast pump as an oxygen mask.
32. At least he found a toilet to puke in.
This all night drinking and partying doesn’t seem to get Flinker on Santa’s “nice” list. In fact, he may not return from the North Pole after this.
33. “I’m sure Frosty won’t suffer…..much.” (giggles)
Looks like Glingle might be exhibiting signs of being a possible psychopath or sociopath. Nevertheless, Glingle is evil.
34. Welcome to the annual Reindeer Games. May the odds be ever in your favor.
Of course, I’m sure Team Shelf Elf will kill a lot of the other North Pole Tributes with Katniskle’s bow and candy canes.
35. Looks like Mickey is going to be in for a surprise when he comes home to Minnie. Let’s just say, I’d hate to see Iggie be punched by a Disney mouse.
Man, Minnie you’re a very bad girl. Then again, I’m sure Mickey wouldn’t be very good in bed. I mean his voice must be a major turn off. Still, it would be really funny to see an angry Mickey beat up the elf bedding Minnie.
36. Sleigh Bell always wants to lend a helping hand and sees nothing wrong with joining Tony Montana in their joint drug empire.
For those who’ve seen either the Brian DePalma or the 1933 version of Scarface, all of you should know that it won’t end well for Tony Montana and Sleigh Bell.
37. Of course, since Chrissy won’t do it with him Mingles will have to take drastic action.
Oh, my God, is he sneaking a roofie in her drink? Seriously, Mingles is lucky that he’s not at the North Pole right now or Santa would have his ass.
38. Binky and Barbie were snorting cocaine and oh, my God, what the hell’s going on with Barbie?
Still, I’m really not sure if Binky is capable of showing any remorse for what’s befallen Barbie. Hey, Binky, you’re at a kid’s house, not Wall Street!
39. “Stop! You’re money or your life!”
Either this elf on the shelf is an Old West bandit or some 18th century highwayman. Either way, you wouldn’t want to mess with him.
40. Pinky really seems to enjoy surfing online.
Unfortunately, Pinky seems on his way into developing an addiction to porn and violent video games. He needs serious therapy.
41. Looks like Jingles is stealing from Mr. Johnson’s wallet. I hope he’s not going to use the money for something naughty.
Oh, dear, now he has the Johnsons’ cash and American Express card. Boy, the Johnsons are sure going to receive a large credit card bill once Jingles is done using it. Seems like Jingles is becoming a very expensive house guest.
42. Seems like Cup Cup’s drinking problem led to his North Pole termination.
Now Cup Cup is basically living on the streets sleeping under newspapers, warming himself to makeshift fires, and chugging down his Absolut Vodka.
43. During the holiday season at the McClanahan house, the toys all assemble for their very own Fight Club. Beginners usually have to face the elf first.
And looks like Grimble is literally kicking Ken’s ass. Still, how the hell is he going to fight Thomas the Tank Engine?
44. Oh, my God, Nimble seems to have gotten hold of Mr. McGilicuddy’s gun. Hope it’s not loaded.
Okay, seems that Nimble has gone insane so before anyone gets hurt, now’s the time to report him to Santa. Please do it now.
45. Seems like the toys have been acting differently since Timmy arrived to the Lindauer’s home.
Of course, Timmy seems to be getting really rich off the toys money who seem to show up very high. Hope this picture is from Colorado since pot is totally legal there. I’m not sure if Santa will approve though.
46. Of course, Numby always loves to help his family decorate for Christmas.
However, I’m not sure decorating the dog with Christmas lights is what the Griswolds have in mind. Also, it seems like Jake might be in fear of getting electrocuted. Yet, I’m not sure if he could sit still.
47. “$20 for Valium? What a bargain!”
Okay, I think Hanky may have a drug problem. Seriously, this was taken at some drug dealer’s house. Please report him to Santa.
48. “Okay, ladies, now I want you to make out under the mistletoe. And I want you girls to get down and dirty.”
While Freddy wasn’t spying on the Parkers’ kids during the holiday season, he had a side career as an amateur pornographer. And he also cast Maisie’s Barbie dolls as actresses.
49. Seems like Heimel won’t be going back to the Bradfords this year. I wonder what caused Santa to fire him.
Now Heimel spends his days drinking pop, eating junk food, and watching daytime TV while wrapped in his Snuggie. Poor thing.
50. Looks like Ken has been very, very naughty to meet his end through the clutches of Buddy.
Oh, my God, did Ken really brutally murder all those women? Boy, at least he won’t be able to kill Barbie. I didn’t know he was a sick bastard.
51. Oh, dear, seems like Twinkle Toes likes to steal money from children.
I’m sure he took much more than just a nickel from Johnny’s first piggy bank. And I thought elves were supposed to be nice to children.
52. “All right, Prince, if you want to see Snow White again, bring me $100,000 ransom. If you don’t meet my demands, she’s history.”
Little did this little elf know that Snow White also lives with seven little men who would be just as pissed. Yet, at least he enlisted the cooperation of Star Wars lego minifigs.
53. Seems like Flicker is planning a big party with the toys while the Polaskys are out Christmas shopping.
Okay, but I’d be very concerned about Flicker hauling a box filled with Red Stripe and a big bottle of bourbon. Yeah, the house is going to be a mess.
54. Oh, my God, what did Ringly do with Barbie and Ken?
Looks, like he caught Barbie and Ken together and he shot them dead. Either that, or he’s just one sick evil bastard elf who should be reported to Santa.
55. Seems like Glitter Bell has done something naughty enough to get a mugshot.
Oh, dear, things aren’t looking good for Glitter Bell aren’t they? Wonder what she did to get herself in trouble like this.
56. “Here’s your change for that pack of Marlboros, so thank you and good night.”
This isn’t going to sit well with Santa at all. Then again, Santa is said to smoke a pipe. Still, Yule is being very, very, naughty.
57. Sorry, Walter White, but Dinky is the one who knocks.
And he seems to run a racket on dealing artificial sweetner, which is now a nationwide epidemic. Hope Santa doesn’t hear about this.
58. Looks like Jerry loves to collect things.
Unfortunately, Jerry seems to becoming quite the hoarder. You should see his place at the North Pole.
59. Seems like Soapy has finally found the Bumgarners’ liquor and medicine cabinets.
So that’s why the pain meds and wild turkey have been disappearing all of a sudden. Still, I think he may have a problem.
60. “I have your wallet now.”
Thanks to Bartilkins, Barry Madison hasn’t been able to drive or buy anything again, which is quite a shame really. He has a lot of debt from his credit cards already.
61. On second thought, maybe it was a bad idea for the Bateses to name their elf Norman.
Looks like Norman has a habit of using kitchen knives near the bath tub And since then, the family doesn’t even want to step foot in the bath tub again or take a shower.
62. Seems like Bimble is in the mood for red rum as he writes on the wall.
Oh, wait a minute, I just forgot that “Red Rum” is murder spelled backwards. My mistake. Still, quite creepy.
63. So that’s how Krinkly reports back to Santa. Interesting.
Wait a minute, he’s not texting to Santa. He’s sexting to someone else. Boy, Krinkles seems to have some internet sexting addiction if you know what I mean. I hope the parents don’t get in trouble.
64. Great, Jangles just flashed at the Playmobil people.
Luckily the Playmobil wasn’t on duty at the time or the elf would’ve been arrested for indecent exposure.
65. Seems like Igby really likes to work with his hands.
Unfortunately, he seems to have created some Barbie centipede which is pretty terrifying if you know what I mean. I wonder if these shelf elves have to undergo any background checks. They should.
66. Oh, look, Dobbie’s written something on the eggs.
Not only does Dobbie pee on Christmas villages but he also has quite the potty mouth if you know what I mean.
67. “Hello, Clarice.”
Next he’ll be talking about how he ate a guy’s liver with some fava beans and a fine chianti.
68. For the Fractellis, here’s your new elf on the shelf, Snooki.
Of course, we know that Snooki is fresh out of Elf on the Shelf school and ended up graduating last in her class, for obvious reasons.
69. Seems like Eddie really takes to living in a mobile RV home.
Unfortunately, I’m not sure if his living arrangement does any good for the environment. I mean dumping sewage down a storm drain is illegal as well as not a good idea.
70. Aww, Plinko and Barbie sharing a- wait a minute, that’s twerking isn’t it?
Man, Plinko is going to get in a lot of trouble with Santa when the big guy hears about this at the North Pole. Still, great rendition of the 2013 VMAs.
71. Oh, my God, is Jingles planning on shooting Rudolph? Good heavens!
Yes, I know that December is deer hunting season. Yet, this doesn’t mean that anyone has the right to shoot any of Santa’s reindeer, especially Rudolph.
72. Man, looks like things at the North Pole aren’t going so well.
Looks like Crumpet was just arrested for taking part in his Occupy, North Pole demonstrations. Guess Santa isn’t very nice after all.
73. Seems like the toys have had enough with Bimbles.
Hope that house doesn’t have a child who’s potty training or Bimbles is going to stink like hell. Really he’ll smell like poo and pee from a 3-year-old.
74. Gristlekins really likes to get down and dirty with the blue girls.
Of course, perhaps he tends to be a very big fan of 50 Shades of Grey as well as very into BDSM. Yes, he likes to get kinky. But then again, not that there’s anything wrong wit that.
75. “Quick, get the defibrillator. I think we may be losing him.”
Oh, my God, guess a life of hard living eventually caught up with Puddy. Seems like he won’t be going to the North Pole on Christmas Eve this year.
76. All Frankie needs are his cigarette, a bottle of Absolut, and a bottle of Jack Daniels.
I hate to say this but it looks like Frankie has a bit of a drinking problem. I wonder if the North Pole has AA, rehab, or the 12-step programs? I mean Frankie will hit rock bottom before he knows it.
77. Seems like Blueball is filming his new flick, Barbies Gone Wild.
Not only that, but he’s using Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins’ camcorder, too. Seems like Santa won’t be the only person who’ll be pissed off at him. He’ll be in a lot of trouble.
78. Oh, nice, Brimbles is having a party. Adorable.
Wait a minute, he’s snorting cocaine with a Smurf Mrs. Potts, and two Disney Princesses. This is a coke party! Hey, this is a family home, not The Wolf of Wall Street! Man, wait until the toy police show up. It was probably Brimbles’ idea.
79. Oh, my God! Jimbles killed Barbie!
I don’t know about you but if Jimbles wants to get a good sentence, he might want to call his attorney this instant. Also, definitely not returning to the Elf on the Shelf program next year.
80. Seems like someone made a nice message on the fridge.
Okay, seems like Flynny may need serious counseling or else put up in a mental institution. Still, after this year, I don’t think this family should do Elf on the Shelf again.
The Lone Girl in a Crowd 