A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Caravan”

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After setting the carnival on fire, Count Olaf leads the elder Baudelaires to his car where Sunny is sitting on Esme’s lap supposedly crying or screaming. He tells them to ride in the caravan, which Violet hitches with her Devil’s Tongue knot as well as that he blamed the fire on the Baudelaires (though setting the place aflame was his idea). After Violet and Klaus hop into the caravan and Olaf’s henchmen in the car, they depart the carnival for the Mortmain Mountains. Yet, during the trip as they head up the slopes, Count Olaf reveals to the Baudelaires that Madame Lulu told them who they were and that he has Sunny in his clutches to raise until she comes of age. And since he doesn’t need Violet and Klaus anymore, he sees no need to keep pulling the caravan with them inside. So the freaks form a human chain and cut the rope with a big knife as the elder Baudelaires helplessly watch from the window. As a result, Sunny is now Count Olaf’s hostage as he and his crew drive up the Mortmain Mountains while her older siblings are being rushed down a slope in a caravan to their deaths. If you want to find out what happens, read the next book.

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The song I selected here is “Teacher” by Jethro Tull. The original version tells the story of a socially awkward guy who buys a plane ticket from a more jovial man so they can go on vacation together. However, the freeloader has all the fun while the narrator ends up as neurotic as ever. In this version, I have Count Olaf having the Baudelaires come with him on a drive to the Mortmain Mountains before revealing Olivia’s betrayal and having the freaks cut the rope to the caravan with Violet and Klaus inside.

 

“Caravan”

Sung by Count Olaf

Well, the fire is burning,
The carnival is in disarray,
Seems like you found the right map,
Location’s coded as a stain.
It’s from a lesson
That I learned as a small boy,
You’ll be at my discretion
Since you don’t have any choice.

Go in the caravan,
Chabo goes with me.
Tie the cart to my car so we all can flee.
Going up to the Mortmain Mountain range
I’ve told the Punctilio the Baudelaires are to blame.

Chabo’s now on Esme’s lap,
While the knot is rather tight.
Use this walkie talkie,
Now let’s get things started right.

C’mon, I’ll start the car while you’re the caravan,
We’ll get to the Mortmain Mountains from the Hinterlands.
So sit tight, it’ll be all right, say what’s on your mind
Since I’m pulling you, so you won’t be far behind.

Though I have to tell you
That Lulu made me aware
That you two and Chabo
Are the three Baudelaires.

Since I have your sis, no need to pull this caravan,
Come on, freaks, cut off this rope so we get ahead.
Vi and Klaus, nice working with you but we ought to scram
So I hope you two don’t sweat it, rolling to your death.

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A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Light a Fire”

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As the Baudelaires are just getting over the shock of Olivia’s death, Count Olaf and Esme show up. Esme’s carrying a bouquet of ivy while Olaf has a torch. Though they don’t seem to recognize the kids through their disguises, don’t put it past them. Anyway, they tell the children that they invited all the freaks to join the theater troupe despite failing to uphold their side of the bargain. Seeing they don’t have much of a choice, the Baudelaires agree. Though Count Olaf does spot a map with a stain on it that makes him figure with the V.F.D. headquarters is in the Mortmain Mountains. Anyway, he asks the children to take the food crates and set the tent on fire while Esme takes Sunny away. As the carnival is in chaos and since Count Olaf is their only way out of the place again, Violet and Klaus follow suit.

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Of course, I had to use the Doors’ “Light My Fire” for a parody here. Though the original version had to do with metaphorical fires pertaining to sex and possibly marijuana. Though in this version, Count Olaf is trying to convince Violet and Klaus to set Madame Lulu’s tent on fire and meet up with them.

 

“Light a Fire”

Sung by Count Olaf

Come on, you freaks and join my troupe
You know we couldn’t be much nicer
Just take all these crates of food
And then you set this tent on fire

Come on co-joins, light a fire
Come on co-joins, light a fire
Try to set this place on fire

The time to hesitate is through
No time to wallow in the mire
Try now we can’t even lose
Make this carnival a funeral pyre

Come on co-joins, light a fire
Come on co-joins, light a fire
Try to set this place on fire, yeah

The time to hesitate is through
No time to wallow in the mire
Try now we can’t even lose
Make this carnival a funeral pyre

Come on co-joins, light a fire
Come on co-joins, light a fire
Try to set this place on fire, yeah

Come on, you freaks and join my troupe
You know we couldn’t be much nicer
Just take all these crates of food
And then you set this tent on fire

Come on co-joins, light a fire
Come on co-joins, light a fire
Try to set the place on fire
Try to set the place on fire
Try to set the place on fire
Try to set the place on fire

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Lulu Lies Bleeding”

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Though they escaped with their lives, the Baudelaires are nonetheless distressed by Olivia’s grisly end since she seemed to be among the few adults who seemed to sympathize with them. Not to mention, one of the only adults who didn’t see the kids as killers. Anyway, the children go return to Madame Lulu’s tent to get what they need for their escape. Violet is worried about the fan belt though we all know it’s in the pit of lions since Olivia had it when she fell. But she’s really just trying to focus on anything but what’s just happened and worrying their course of action might not be the right one. However, Klaus and Sunny try to reassure her that her invention might not’ve worked and that Olivia’s death wasn’t their fault. After all, the crowd was bloodthirsty to begin with and the lions pit was Count Olaf’s idea. But none of it makes their sister any happier. Still, Klaus is determined not to give up since he’s a researcher and knows there’s a way to get to the bottom of things. Besides, Olivia was planning to leave since she had stuff packed, including the food.

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Once again, I turn to Elton John with “Love Lies Bleeding” which opens with an instrumental sequence called “Funeral for a Friend.” The original version is about the dissolution of a relationship due to cheating. In this version, I have Violet trying to coming to terms with Oliva’s death and Klaus trying to reassure her.

 

“Lulu Lies Bleeding”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
We went inside the fortune tent
While the crowd looks by
Lions eating Madame Lulu
And that bad bald guy

But I don’t see the fan belt around in this tent
Not sure where it went to
But if I don’t find it now
We may not even get out

Klaus:
Lulu lies bleeding in the pit
Oh, she’s being eaten by lions along with the bald man
It’s not our fault that Olivia had fallen in
The crowd was blood thirsty and Count Olaf had started it
Lulu lies bleeding in the pit

Violet:
I wonder if our actions
Are in the right to do
Seeing two people are devoured
It all has led us to

Klaus:
Though she had her bags all packed
Inside her fortune tent
Let’s take some of her archives at this moment, Vi
And we’ll make it there by then

Lulu lies bleeding in the pit
Oh, she’s being eaten by lions along with the bald man
It’s not our fault that Olivia had fallen in
The crowd was blood thirsty and Count Olaf had started it
Lulu lies bleeding in the pit

Lulu lies bleeding in the pit
Oh, she’s being eaten by lions along with the bald man
It’s not our fault that Olivia had fallen in
The crowd was blood thirsty and Count Olaf had started it
Lulu lies bleeding in the pit

Ooh ooh
Ooh
Oh oh oh oh ooh
Lulu lies bleeding in the pit
Ooh
Ooh ooh

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Lions Pit Rhapsody”

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As I said before, Violet and Klaus accept their chosen lot graciously as they’re escorted to the pit to certain death. But Violet suggests that someone might want to push them into the pit instead, preferably Count Olaf. However, while deeply honored, Count Olaf declines with various excuses like being allergic to cats despite that he absolutely had no problem with capturing and whipping hungry lions and living to tell the tale. Esme suggests Madame Lulu do it since she wants to see the fortune teller dead. Yet, the crowd really doesn’t care who gets to push in the alleged co-joined twins. Though apprehensive, Olivia reluctantly agrees, apologizing to the elder Baudelaires. After all, she wants to give people what they want. And what the crowd wants is live violence and gore of someone being eaten alive. But then the Hook-Handed Man stands up since he’s fed up with delay while the other freaks come forward to prove they can be Count Olaf’s henchmen. Though Violet does try to calm things down, she fails as Olivia snatches the fan belt from her. Since she and Klaus aren’t going to need it anyway as far as she’s concerned. After Count Olaf promises a special reward to anyone who’d push Beverly and Elliot in, the audience joins in and a scene of chaos ensues, allowing the Baudelaires to escape with their lives. However, Olivia and the Bald Man with the Long Nose aren’t so lucky as the lions a enjoy a satisfying meal from their flesh and blood.

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The song I selected is Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” since I think it’s perfect for such a dramatic scene. The original version centers around a man sentenced to death for killing a guy and is begging to spare his life. But it’s such a fun song to sing. In this version, I use this for the lions scene everyone has been waiting for which results in the Olivia and the Bald Man’s deaths.

 

“Lions Pit Rhapsody”

Violet and Klaus:
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landmine,
No escape from reality.

Violet:
Ladies and gents,
We’re thrilled to be chosen here
We’re just poor co-joins, we need no sympathy
Because we’re easy come, easy go,
Little high, little low,
Any way the wind blows doesn’t really matter to us, to us.

Klaus:
Olaf, we thank you sir,
Yet, just ask my other head,
Thinks you should push us in instead,
Olaf, just look at the crowd,
Be a real pain if we failed to entertain.

Count Olaf:
Sorry, ooh,
But I’m afraid that I decline,
Cause I happen to be allergic to lions,
After all, it’s not my job since I’m only an actor.

Esme:
Lulu should push them instead,
She’s a Caligari employee,
So she be pushing down a freak.
Besides, everybody, she always tries,
Gotta give them what they want and see this through.

Olivia (as Madame Lulu):
Esme, ooh (c’mon, Madame Lulu)
This isn’t my job,
For I’m only a carnival fortune teller.

I’m sorry, but I’m going have to do this.

Crowd:
Scaramouche, Scaramouche, can you just get right to it?

Violet and Klaus:
Very hungry lions
Very, very frightening us.

Troupe:
(Galileo) Galileo.
(Galileo) Galileo,
Galileo Figaro
Magnifico-o-o-o-o.
Violet and Klaus:
We’re just poor co-joins nobody loves us.

Freaks:
They’re just poor co-joins from a poor family.

Crowd:
Can you go on with this monstrosity?

Hook-Handed Man:
I’ll push them for I am, brave enough to do so.

Hugo:
Bismillah! Hey, I’m brave enough, too. (Do it now!)

Colette and Kevin:
Bismillah! Hey, we’re brave enough, too. (Do it now!)

Bald Man with Long Nose and White-Faced Women:
Bismillah! Hey, we’re brave enough, too. (Do it now!)

Olivia (as Madame Lulu):
Guess you have to go. (Do it now!)

Crowd:
Guess I’ll do it, too (Me too, me too, me too, I’ll go, too)
Oh oh oh oh

Troupe:
No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Violet (Klaus):
Oh, mama mia, mama mia (Mama mia, let us go.)

Esme:
Count Olaf has a special reward for the deed, the deed, the deed.

Violet:
So you think you can help us and spit in our eyes?

Klaus:
So you think you could help us and leave us to die?
Oh, sisters, it’s all chaos here, sisters,
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.

(Ooooh, ooh yeah, ooh yeah)

Count Olaf:
Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters but me.

Goodbye, Madame Lulu.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Get Ready”

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The method of choosing the victim to be thrown into the lions pit is simple. It involves taking a name out of a box. Naturally, Count Olaf picks out the name and unfolds it very slowly to increase the suspense. In the TV show, he describes each process in how he gradually unfolds the paper at deliberate speed. Meanwhile, the Baudelaires think about their escape plan as well as all the bloodthirsty crowds they’ve put up with at this point and what to do about it. Though Olivia has the fan belt and Violet’s good at inventing things, she’s more of a Lady McGyver than anything. Klaus may be a walking and talking encyclopedia but he’s not sure what would prevent them from being eaten by lions if he and Violet were chosen. Unfortunately, it’s the elder Baudelaires who are chosen to go into the pit. And I don’t think there was anything random about it. But Violet and Klaus seem to address it like they were chosen for the Hunger Games.

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The song I picked for this is “Get Ready” by the Temptations. The original version pertains to a man telling his gal that she better get ready because he’s coming for her. In this version, I have Count Olaf increasing the suspense of the crowd by unfolding the paper very slowly.

 

“Get Ready” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf

I never saw a crowd who loves seeing blood and gore like you do. (It’s alright)
Bet you want to know which freak’s getting thrown into the pit real soon. (It’s outta sight)

So, fee-fi-fo-fum
Look out people, ’cause here it come.

And I’m unfolding the paper for you.
So get ready, so get ready.
To see who’s getting devoured for you.
So get ready, so get ready ’cause here it comes.

(Get ready ’cause here it comes) I’m on my way.
(Get ready ’cause here it comes)
I’m unfolding the paper slowly to make the mood more suspenseful. (It’s alright)
But whoever gets eaten by lions will surely make this all eventful. (It’s outta sight)

So, fiddley-dee, fiddley-dum
Look out people, ’cause here it comes.

And I’m unfolding the paper for you.
So get ready, so get ready.
To see who’s getting devoured for you.
So get ready, so get ready ’cause here it comes.

(Get ready ’cause here it comes) I’m on my way.
(Get ready ’cause here it comes)
(Get ready)

I’m still unfolding the paper but I’m getting to the end now. (It’s alright)
Will Beverly and Elliot step right up to the wooden plank now? (It’s outta sight)

So tiddley-dee, tiddley-dum
Look out people, ’cause here it comes.

And they’re going to be eaten real soon.
So get ready, so get ready.
So the lions will eat them for you.
So get ready, so get ready ’cause here it comes.

(Get ready ’cause here it comes) They’re on their way.
(Get ready ’cause here it comes)
(Get ready ’cause here it comes-a)
(Get ready)

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Razzle Dazzle”

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Word of the big lion show has spread far and wide that it draws a sizable crowd. There’s even a reporter named Geraldine Julienne talking to Count Olaf who states that he’s not Count Omar who the Baudelaires murdered (except they didn’t since Olaf framed them for killing Jacques). As Madame Lulu, Olivia takes responsibility escorting the freaks and the Baudelaires toward the pit and with the fan belt for their escape vehicle in tow. Meanwhile, Count Olaf comes out to warm up the raucous crowd and allows them to speculate on who will be thrown into the pit of lions, saying: “Observe Hugo’s funny back. Think about how silly it is that Colette can bend herself into all sorts of strange positions. Giggle at the absurdity of Kevin’s ambidextrous arms and legs. Snicker at Beverly and Elliot, the two-headed freak. And laugh so hard you can scarcely breathe at Chabo the Wolf Baby.” The crowd does as instructed but the also mock the Hook-Handed Man and a guy with zits.20427010_tv-review-a-series-of-unfortunate_t23750f66

The song I chose here is “Razzle Dazzle” from Chicago. In the original version, Billy Flynn coaches Roxie how to charm the jury and get away with killing a guy. But in this version, I have Count Olaf sing a song to warm up the crowd for the lions show. Though I don’t emphasize so much on getting the audience to speculate. However, I barely changed the lyrics since the song on its own can pretty much describe Olaf to a tee. So he might as well be singing about himself.

 

“Razzle Dazzle” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf

Count Olaf:
Give ’em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle Dazzle ’em
Give ’em an act with lots of flash in it
And the reaction will be passionate
Give ’em the old hocus pocus
Bead and feather ’em
How can they see with sequins in their eyes?

What if your hinges all are rusting?
What if, in fact, you’re just disgusting?

Razzle dazzle ’em
And they’ll never catch wise!

Give ’em the old Razzle Dazzle
Razzle dazzle ’em
Give ‘em a show with a good old lion’s pit

Row after row will crow vociferous

Give ’em the old flim flam flummox
Fool and fracture ’em

How can they hear the truth above the roar?

Throw ’em a fake and a finagle
They’ll never know you’re just a shyster,

Razzle dazzle ’em
And they’ll beg you for more!

Give ’em the old double whammy
Daze and dizzy ’em
Back since the days of old Methuselah
Everyone loves the big bambooz-a-ler

Give ’em the old three ring circus
Stun and stagger ’em
When you’re in trouble, go into your dance

Though you are stiffer than a girder
They’ll let you get away with murder
Razzle dazzle ’em
And you’ve got a romance

Troupe (same time as Count Olaf):
Give ’em the old
Razzle Dazzle

Count Olaf:
Give ’em the old Razzle Dazzle
Razzle dazzle ’em
Show ’em the first-rate sorcerer you are
Long as you keep ’em way off balance
How can they spot you’ve got no talents
Razzle Dazzle ’em

Count Olaf and Troupe:
Razzle Dazzle ’em
Razzle Dazzle ’em
And they’ll make you a star!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Rollercoaster Queen”

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While the other freaks are asleep, the Baudelaires get to work on the rollercoaster. Sunny bites off the ivy from the carts and then the leaves off it as Violet uses the vine to join them. Since the pistons are rusted away, Violet and Klaus replace them with latches from the cart sides. But during that time, they wonder why anyone would work for Count Olaf which is most likely that his henchmen may not be able to get work anywhere else. They also doubt that Olivia will give the children what they want such as her fortune telling machine Violet can use to make a fan belt as well as her answers to the questions they asked. At sunrise, they see Count Olaf going to Madame Lulu’s tent and seems to leave with what he wanted. Also, the starving lions are beginning to wake up.

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The song I chose here is Jim Croce’s “Roller Derby Queen” which is about a man falling in love with a roller derby woman because she’s big, bad, and such a badass in the rink. By the way, roller derby was a craze in the 1970s. In this version, I have Violet sing about repairing the carnival roller coaster she and her siblings intend to use an escape vehicle with Olivia.

 

“Rollercoaster Queen”

Sung by Violet Baudelaire

Gotta remove the ivy, from these roller cars
If we want to escape tomorrow night
From Count Olaf and this old-time carnival
Sunny, get to work with your sharp teeth
Though this great escape, will be quite risky
But in our dire situation, we must try to leave here

Well, tonight I’ve become a new rollercoaster queen
up and down, around and round
Using these roller cars and mirror gadgets to go flee
Down at Caligari

Well, the axles are fine and will turn well
The pistons are rusted but side latches’ll be swell
Take leaves off the ivy and we’ll use it to join all these cars
Klaus, help me with the pistons
So we can replace them with these latchy things
Don’t want to go to lions but it’s a pity that they’re starved

Well, tonight I’ve become a new rollercoaster queen
up and down, around and round
Using these roller cars and mirror gadgets to go flee
Down at Caligari

Well, let’s keep on working till the morning light
When Olaf’s out to seek Madame Lulu’s advice
Hope this rollercoaster is ready for a great daring escape
She may betray, might stab our backs
I’ll use the mirror fan belt for the track
After the lions devour someone, Olivia will join us to the Mortmain Mountains

Well, tonight I’ve become a new rollercoaster queen
up and down, around and round
Using these roller cars and mirror gadgets to go flee
Down at Caligari