The Brightly Lit World of Lamps

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 30, 2015

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Since humans have discovered fire as a lighting source, we have always tried to use some fixture to contain it or replace it. Of course, for a long time, our ancestors had to make due with torches, and candles. But they did have lanterns and lamps as well. It’s just that genies didn’t come out of them. However, as our interior design tastes so have lamps in terms of not just being a lighting fixture but also a decorative object. Today if you look in a store you’d find that there are so many kinds of lamps such table lamps, wall lamps, floor lamps, ceiling lamps, chandeliers, ceiling fan lamps, desk lamps, and so many more. Some are manufactured from factories. Some are DIY projects. Some are bought to match the room. Some are bought as souvenirs and in their own decorative fashion. But as we all know, all lamps are used to light up a closed space. Now this post will feature all kinds of lamps that many might find either ingenious or incredibly tacky. Yet, each is unusual in its own special way. So for your viewing pleasure, here is a treasury from the brightly lit world of lamps.

Now this is called a “fairy flower lamp.”

Now this looks like a lamp you might find in a little girl’s room. Well, any little girl who has a fascination with pixies and fairies. Still, it’s pretty.

2. This lamp operates on a gear switch.

Now this is one of the Steampunk lamps you might want to see in this post. Not sure if it turns on with a gear switch or not. But I might want to try.

3. Finally, the perfect lamp for coffee time.

Guess this is a lighted little tea pot tall and thin. And it seems like the lights on this go top to bottom. Still, I think it’s quite neat.

4. Now this seems like a futuristic lamp you’d find in Victorian London.

Kind of reminds me of some electric dynamo you’d find some mad scientist’s lab in a Jules Verne story. Still. wouldn’t mind having one of these in my room.

5. Of course, I’m sure this lamp design was inspired by the movie Alien.

Still, I wonder how long for this person to make and assemble this thing. Seems like some parts of this look quite delicate even if it’s made from metal.

6. I don’t know about you, but do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?

Now this is the kind of lamp you can use to make your friends uncomfortable. Of course, you need to hide it in a corner like you do with a security camera.

7. For those wanting to do something with your old rotary telephone, perhaps make a lamp out of it.

Seems like this person stuck a couple light bulbs into this phone with some rewiring. Nevertheless, wonder how you hold this thing.

8. I’m sure this lamp is already blowing its own horn.

Yes, it’s a lamp made from an old rusty French Horn. No, I don’t mean an old French guy’s love machine. I mean an actual French Horn like this one.

9. Sometimes you have to give old license plates a brighter chance.

And I guess that this lamp is from New Mexico. Not sure if I like the yellow on this fixture. Then again, it’s their state flag with numbers.

10. Of course, a Cockatoo lamp sure makes your room a tropical delight.

Now to me this is an epitome to tackiness that knows no bounds. Still, you have to admire the effort. And hey, to each his own.

11. Of course, you can’t have too many lanterns dropping from the ceiling.

Now this is listed as a chandelier on Pinterest. But I’m not sure if I’d necessarily call it that. But still, it looks very pretty.

12. These ceiling lamps are hung with a system of pulleys.

Well, they’re only held up by one pulley and wire. Still, I think it’s pretty cool and ingenious. Quite rustic, too.

13. Now this lunchbox and thermos seem to be headed out of this world.

Of course, these light bulbs seem to make it so. However, it’s kind of disappointing that astronauts don’t have a lunchbox and thermos with rocket blasters.

14. Seems like this lamp is atop a stack of tea cups.

Wait a minute, this lamp is a stack of teacups with a teapot on the base. Nevertheless, seems like something you’d find at Wes Anderson’s house or Lewis Carroll’s.

15. Now this lamp seems like a colorful flame dangling from the ceiling.

Man, I wonder how they made this one. Still, I have to admit even if it’s something that I wouldn’t want in my house, it’s still very cool.

16. I call this one a “lawn sprinkler” lamp. Wonder if it’s great for outdoor summer activities.

Now making a lamp out of a lawn sprinkler, how creative. Still, wonder how it would work if you uses for evening barbecues. Sure would like to see this.

17. Have a broken fan? Why don’t you make it into a lamp?

Of course, it might cool you off. But I’m sure it will help light a room. Besides, after making it into a lamp, you’ll only have to do some rewiring and throw out the blades.

18. Now this is a kind of lamp meant for the Space Age.

However, whether “Space Age” means science fiction or the 1950s or 1960s, I haven’t decided. It’s such a lamp that’s out of this world that you can’t even tell.

19. Now this ceiling lamp seems like it’s hanging with bunch of hangers.

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Well, it’s actually made from a bunch of wooden hangers. Guess someone has more than they need in their closet.

20. For a more old fashioned country feel, I’m sure a lamp like this will suit your fancy.

Now this is made from an old milk tin and some braided rope. It looks quite rustic to say the least. Like it belongs in a barn.

21. Seems like this light bulb is hanging from a rope.

Of course, the wire is within the rope as you can see. But sometimes revealing it can ruin the effect. Nevertheless, it’s quite quaint.

22. For those with more tropical tastes, here are some tiki mask lamps to interest you.

I’m sure these masks are painted on. But for some reason, they look kind of cool. And in 3 different colors, too.

23. Looks like Thor got his hammer stuck in a wall again.

Actually this is a wall lamp of Thor’s hammer. And yes, it’s supposed to look like Thor used it on a wall. Still, what Avengers fan wouldn’t want this?

24. Sometimes you might get the feeling that there being watched by giant eyeballs.

Yes, I know an eyeball lamp is creepy. But such lamps do exist as you can see. Also available in green as far as I can tell.

25. Now I’ve heard of ceiling fan lamps and have a few in my home. Not sure what to make of this.

This is a lamp with couple of electric fans. Now regular ceiling fans have blades that turn around the center. Not sure how this works.

26. Of course, you can make a lamp out of almost anything you find at the hardware store.

As for these parts, I’m not sure if I’ve seen them in a hardware store in my life. The silver spiral thing looks more like a snail to me but I wonder if it’s some sort of pipe.

27. Now this lamp is made from an old washboard.

It’s something people used to wash clothes with before they had washing machines. It’s also used as an instrument for some bluegrass bands.

28. And you think this was used to warm the kettle.

Now this looks like some Steampunk gizmo that I’m not sure even existed. Not sure if I’d even want it in the kitchen. Probably not.

29. For you geology buffs, I’m sure you might like this rock lamp hanging from your ceiling.

Of course, this is made of something that would’ve been used as a glass paperweight if it weren’t for the wire and the light bulb. Nevertheless, it looks pretty cool.

30. Now this lamp surely is all in pink and rich trimmings.

Now this looks like the kind of tacky lamp that you’d see at Downton Abbey. Then again, I’m not sure if any of the lamps there would have a base this one does.

31. Pipes may not be attractive, but you can fit wires through them.

Like how it’s on a base of some wood from a tree. Yes, I know it’s not the most attractive lamp, But you have to admire the craftsmanship.

32. Wonder if this lamp was used in a laboratory.

Now this looks like a lamp you’d find in Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory. Might’ve used something like this to create his “monster” (which wasn’t really a monster). Nevertheless, it’s cool.

33. Seems like this lamp was made from a cheese grater and a colander.

Now this look likes it was made from stuff you’d find at a junkyard. But I bet it brings in a lot of light to a room.

34. Of course, a great lamp base can be an old gas can.

Not sure if that base goes with that lampshade. But from how I see it, it probably won’t go well in my living room. The basement may be a different story.

35. Now this is the kind of ceiling lamp that shows you the science of color.

Now this is a diagram about light and its combinations. Red and green make yellow. Blue and green make cyan. And red and blue make magenta. Put all 3 colors together and you get white.

36. Now this lamp seems to be as pretty as a peacock.

Well, it’s a peacock lamp. And no, it’s not a recent design either. It’s probably from the early 20th century at the latest. But yes, it looks like a tacky lamp you’d find at the Dowager Countess’s living room.

37. Let’s hope that this lamp has all the right circuits.

Yes, the light bulbs are supposed to look like resistors in this. Still, probably more suited for a geekier household.

38. Seems like this lamp has a real spine.

Of course, this lamp’s spine is actual vertebrae that ends with the pelvis. Still, it’s a lamp probably best suited for doctors, particularly chiropractors or orthopedists.

39. Of course, you wouldn’t guess that this lamp was made from an old muscle car headlight.

Now this looks like a nice lamp. Could use a little shine and paint on it. But I like it.

40. This lamp switches on and off with the turn of a knob.

Of course, it’s another one of those gear lamps. Then again, I’m not sure if the knob on the side is a switch after all.

41. Don’t know what it is but this lamp reminds me of a hot iron.

Then again, it’s an iron made into a lamp. Still, the bulbs seem to have some resemblance of being on fire.

42. Not sure about you, but someone must think that pin seashells make great lampshades.

Of course, a seashell lampshade isn’t in my taste. To me, it looks like a tacky souvenir from the beach. Yet, since it’s unique, I’ll add it.

43. If your old fire extinguisher doesn’t work, make a lamp out of it.

Sure, it’s not an attractive lamp and might be quite heavy. But you have to admire this designer’s creativity with this.

44. Now this is known as a “Dragonfly Lamp.”

Now this is probably a Victorian lamp. Why they have a dragonfly one, I don’t know. Of course, the Victorians were as capable of tackiness as we are. Well, in some ways.

45. Of course, there’s no table lamp that has more bling like this one.

And I’m sure this lamp is delicate and doesn’t come cheap. Still, I’d really hate to clean and polish that thing. Really would hate it.

46. If you like marine, may I suggests some jellyfish lamps on your ceiling?

Nevertheless, even if they electrocute you if you’re not too careful, they’re much safer than real jellyfish. Let’s just say, jellyfish can be very poisonous and being stung by one will cause you unbearable agony.

47. This is a lamp from the 1950s whose style was inspired by the paintings of Piet Mondrian.

He was a Dutch painter whose artwork consisted of stuff like rectangles and squares in primary colors. Also, for a time in his life, he sported a Hitler style mustache in some photos.

48. If you want to get more with nature, I suppose this chandelier will suit your fancy.

Now this one consists of light bulbs on tree branches. Bound to scratch some heads of some people. And might make some think you’re a weirdo.

49. Now this gives a whole new meaning to the word, “snake light.”

Now this isn’t a new lamp. But for some reason, I can totally see one of these at Lord Voldermort’s place. Maybe because it’s a snake lamp.

50. As for this lamp, I’d be careful handling that lampshade if I were you.

Yes, this is a very spiky lamp as you can see. Also, another lamp that you’d probably don’t want to clean for obvious reasons.

51. Heard of a projector light? Now see a projector lamp.

Yes, this is a projector lamp made with an actual projector. However, the projector seems to be used more or less as a base.

52. Of course, there are some freaky taxidermy lighting out there. This is a badger lamp.

Wonder why in the hell would anyone make a lamp as freaky as this? Also, that’s really terrible taxidermy near the head. Not sure what to think of the badger here.

53. A lamp like this is guaranteed to help you spring into action.

Yes, this is an actual spring lamp. Of course, it doesn’t make you think of baby animals and flowers. But nevertheless, it’s quite a springy lamp. Yet, one that reminds you of mattresses.

54. Of course, this lamp is bound to make an explosive impression.

Now this is a lamp of a nuclear mushroom. Certainly to make anyone nervous just looking at is strikes fear of total annihilation. Seriously, why the hell did anyone thinks it’s a good idea?

55. For many, a lamp like this is guaranteed to blow their minds.

Then again, there could be worse body part lamps than the brain. But still, unless you’re into this sort of thing, it’s kind of disgusting. Hope it doesn’t belong to a certain “Abby Normal.”

56. From what I read on Google Search, these are called “Moonwalk Lamps” reminiscent of Michael Jackson’s dance moves in the 1980s.

I’m not a fan of Michael Jackson and usually don’t listen to his music. However, I think these lamps are very cool.

57. Of course, nothing gives you the feeling of the beach than a large seashell lamp like this.

Then again, this one is exceptionally tacky with the bare breasted mermaid statue at the base. Still, this is a more outrageous example so it’s going in the post.

58. For some reason, you’d swear a lamp like this might have a mind of its own.

Now this lamp is made from wires and pipes with a light on its head. Yet, it’s shaped like a little pipe figure which is pretty adorable.

59. Looks like old Bessie got herself abducted by some extra terrestrials.

Now this lamp of a cow getting kidnapped by aliens is pure genius. I hope that farmer has other cows before he gets to Bessie the next morning. Love it though.

60. Of course, this might the closest we could get to Aladdin’s magic lamp.

Again, this is an old lamp. But it’s sure a fancy one. Still, I think it would be better without the big part coming from the gold part.

61. “Aaah! “Fra-GEE-leh!” It must be Italian!”

Of course, I couldn’t do a post on this without including this famous leg lamp from A Christmas Story. This is the table lamp version. But at least the box looks like it’s from the movie.

62. Sometimes you can make an alien weapon with basically anything.

Yes, it’s a lamp made by some kitchen implements. But put them together, you either have a satellite or an alien laser death ray.

63. For those who like Space Age designs, here’s a rocket ship lamp.

Now I think this one is from the Atomic Age. But yeah, that rocket seems to appear as if it was straight out of a cartoon.

64. Seems like this guy is pretty busy on the ceiling.

I wonder if that’s supposed to be an astronaut doing a spacewalk. Because if you look closer, it sure looks like it.

65. At one angle, this wooden lamp looks as if it’s on fire.

Of course, this is a perfectly safe lamp because it’s just a bulb inside. And the light is traveling inside it to give the illusion of fire.

66. An airship like this certainly lights up a room.

Yes, this is another Steampunk lamp. But this one is an incredible ceiling one of a blimp that gives a blue light. That’s different.

67. Heard of an IV stand in hospitals. There’s a lamp of that.

Now when I hear the term “medical arts” this will appear in my mind. Yes, it’s kind of freaky. But hey, it kind of looks easy to make.

68. Now you can turn this lamp as much as you please.

As you can see, this lamp was made from a bicycle wheel. Nevertheless, I find it quite dazzling, especially with the lights emanating from all directions.

69. Of course, beautiful things come when your lamp is a stained glass violin.

Not sure whether the violin is real. But I do like the artwork depicting birds and roses on this. Quite lovely to say the least.

70. When you look at these lamps, you could’ve sworn they were made of mineral crystals.

Of course, they’re probably made from those stretchy things you find at as store and made to look like crystals. But the effect is awesome just the same.

71. Of course, this lamp dog just had to relieve himself.

Yes, this is a lamp depicting a dog taking a dump. Yes, I think this one might exist though I wouldn’t recommend you buy it. Still, unusual as it is and hilarious, it goes on this post.

72. Those in the mood for colorful candy fun will sure enjoy some gummi bear lamps.

Yes, these a cute gummi bear lamps as you see here. No, they aren’t edible and are probably much bigger than real gummi bears. But yes, they’re cute.

73. Sometimes you’d wonder what it would be like to have a lit noose hanging from your ceiling.

Of course, having a lamp like this might lead your loved ones to call some local psychiatrist or suicidal hotline. Yeah, that’s in very poor taste. Very poor taste, indeed.

74. Fans of Super Mario Bros. will certainly love a pipe lamp like this.

Wonder if this lamp plays the song to Super Mario Bros. Then again, that game’s music was pretty annoying, anyway. But quite catchy.

75. Of course, some lamps don’t always come in great aesthetic taste. Like this poop lamp here.

I think this might be a real thing. And comes in a can. Still, if your real poop glows in the dark, you might want to see a doctor.

76. Now these are called, “Slap It Lamps.”

Yes, these are butt lamps and they come in so many different colors. I know this is tasteless and crude but these kinds of pictures help my blog. Also, they’re funny.

77. Now this Darth Vader lamp seems to find your lack of light disturbing.

Then again, Darth Vader is squarely on the Dark Side for most of the original trilogy. Also, he’s responsible for killing millions of people. So I think this lamp really doesn’t do him justice.

78. Of course, a bread lamp might help you see your dinner better.

Of course, these lamps aren’t edible to say the least. But they sure look great in that bread basket.

79. Sure it’s not in the best of taste. But your hangman lamp would sure make a great conversation piece.

Now this is just crazy to say the least. Not to mention, inappropriate on so many levels since it features somebody getting killed. Still, it does look easy to make to say the least.

80. Now this squid chandelier might go well with your jellyfish lamps quite nicely.

Now they make quite a few of these. However, I wonder if the Detroit Redwings have a chandelier like this in their dining hall. I mean their mascot is a giant purple octopus.

Vintage New Year Cards in the Days of Auld Lang Syne

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 28, 2015

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Despite that New Years is one of the most celebrated holidays in the world with widespread partying and celebrations, I usually skip blogging about it since it’s so close to Christmas which to me is a much bigger holiday. Not to mention, it’s a time that’s technically still in the Christmas season. And while Christmas is more or less of a holiday for everyone, New Years is more of a holiday for adults. I mean it involves drinking, partying, parades, and a stupid Division I college football tradition that makes absolutely no sense. Seriously, can’t Division I college football adopt a playoff system similar to March Madness? Because every other NCAA sport has their playoffs styled the exact same way. Anyway, when I came across some of these vintage greeting cards, I realized that I couldn’t avoid doing a New Years post any longer. Yes, you might expect people in the olden days to have some tact when it came to greeting cards such as the one above. But you would be wrong. Because this assortment is as weird and crazy as many New Years cards get in the days of old. So for your reading pleasure as shall old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mine, take your time to view these cards from the days of auld lang syne.

Now I wonder whether these gnomes want a glass of wine or some sexual exhibition.

Now I have two questions regarding this card. One, is that woman in the glass naked? Two, why are those guys holding axes and what the hell are they doing with them?

2. Seems like these dachshunds all have a taste for champagne.

Seems like one dog is in the champagne while the other ones are licking the drops. Guess the one in the glass is bound to wake up with a doggy hangover the next morning.

3. Now these two bottles seem to be sharing a New Years toast together. Wait what?

Now these two store alcoholic beverages like wine and champagne, right? And they’re drinking these together, right? So how does this make any sense? I don’t get it.

4. Nothing brings in the New Year like sharing a glass of wine with the moon.

And it seems to me that the moon has had way too many. Either that, or he might be in the mood for something else. Still, its crescent face kind creeps me out.

5. An old New Years tradition for children where there’s snow was to make a barrel snowman.

Of course, these two kids seem like they’re building a snowman to carry on a rampage in a nearby town. And yes, this is to their diabolical intentions.

6. Wishing you a happy New Year from some creepy chimney sweeps.

Yes, these are chimney sweeps, not a group of home burglars in their robbing garb. Still, these guys do seem like they can make out with your jewelry and finer stuff. They also look unrealistically clean, healthy, and happy, too.

7. Of course, at some New Year’s Eve parties, it was possible that a romance could blossom.

However, I’m not sure about this case. I mean the guy here kind of seems like he’s waiting for this girl to pass out so he could have his way with her. That’s just a thought.

8. Nothing says “Happy New Year” like a soulless girl in winter about to throw snowballs at you.

Of course, in case of a snowball fight, Tess always made sure she had a stash of razor blades with her. Because she loved to see the other kids scream in unbearable pain from the snowballs she threw.

9. “Welcome to wish you all to a bright New Year.”

Seems like this person’s idea of a bright New Year is seeing a bunch of winged kids flying on bats in the sunrises. Now that’s just messed up.

10. When it comes to greeting the year 1890, best to throw the 1889 boy in a boiling hot cauldron of soup.

Is it just me or does anybody think throwing a kid into a steaming hot cauldron of soup is disturbing? Also are those legs? Almost makes me want to throw up.

11. May your joyous New Year have a pierrot dressed boy drinking a glass of champagne.

Okay, this boy might give me the creeps. And I have to admit, clowns be quite terrifying as well. Still, I’m sure raising a glass of champagne won’t go well today among civilized society.

12. On New Year’s Eve it’s not uncommon for a snowman and pig to drink to the Man in the Moon.

Of course, the snowman and the pig each brought their own bottle. And I’m sure the pig is going to be totally wasted by the next morning. And he’s on his two hind legs. Yeah, that’s crazy.

13. Of course, New Year’s Eve is also a time when the Man in the Moon also has his fill of spirits.

Wait a minute, the moon can get sloshed? Why hasn’t NASA told us about this? Oh, wait, there is no Man in the Moon. Still, it’s pretty messed up if you think about it.

14. Seems like the Man in the Moon has his own entourage of Star People for this New Year’s celebrations.

Now the concept of the Man in the Moon on these cards is creepy enough. But the star people on this card seem like they’re straight out of some crazy sci-fi film with bad special effects. And yes, they might give you nightmares.

15. When the clock strikes midnight, the old year leaves and the new year begins.

I don’t know about you. But it seems Old Father Time seems to have a lustful eye on this young woman in purple with her hands in a muff. Not to be critical. But he seems a bit of a perv.

16. Nothing says a “Joyous New Year” like being chased by gigantic killer bees.

Well, if I saw a bee as big as that, I’d run for the hills, too. Then again, I’d probably shit myself in the process. Still, I have no idea why someone thought this was a good idea for a New Years card.

17. Seems like the pig sty is a happening place on New Year’s Eve.

Yeah, even pigs are getting wasted on New Year’s Eve for some reason. Not sure why. And there are even a couple dancing on their hind toes. Also, the kid is watching the whole thing.

18. You know it’s New Years, when you see a tuxedo guy sharing a bottle of booze with a snowman.

Of course, he should be lucky to be awakened by kids throwing snowballs than a policeman. Still, wonder how he’s going to feel when he’s awake. Not good.

19. “Looking into things far off….a Happy New Year.”

Okay, does anyone have any idea what the hell a beetle looking through a telescope at the sky has to do with New Year’s? Because I have no idea and think this is freaky.

20. This mutant potato in a fedora wishes you a Happy New Year.

I don’t know about you. But for some reason, I find this rather horrifying to say the least. Not sure if it’s the snide face or the rooted arms.

21. “Wishing you a New Year Jan. 1st.”

Is it just me or does that stork look like it wants to eat that naked cherub baby? Because it kind of looks rather sinister than you’d expect of such a bird.

22. Nothing tells you that it’s New Year’s Day than waking up in the morning with a terrible hangover.

Hey, it could’ve been worse. He could’ve woken up at a home of a complete stranger and right next to a woman he doesn’t know. Still, he sure has a face of “What the hell happened last night?” Yeah, seems to remind me of Billy Joel’s “Big Shot.”

23. Nothing rings in the spirit of the new year than some hot bottle on bottle action.

Makes you wonder what the people who designed this card were drinking when they came up with this idea. Of course, you probably know where this goes.

24. On New Year’s Day it’s said that breaking an old man’s back is good luck.

Not sure if this encourages young people to mistreat the elderly. But still, kids, don’t do this to your grandparents. In fact, I’m not sure why the designer thought a kid mowing his sled on top of an old man was a great idea for a greeting card.

25. Of course, when it comes to New Year’s Eve celebrations, getting wasted shouldn’t just be reserved for the adults.

Of course, if they’re parents had anything to do with their access to alcohol, they’re going to be so busted nowadays. Still, seems like these kids all want some wine. Yeah, this card is pretty disturbing.

26. May you enjoy your New Year’s with a sled pulled by pigs and assisted by a mushroom person.

From Buzzfeed: “Even that bird wearing pants and shoes is saying WTF.” Yeah, kind of explains how I feel about this picture. Probably designed under the influence of powerful hallucinogenic drugs.

27. Nothing rings in the New Year like a smoking man in the moon and some champagne bottles.

From Buzzfeed: ” If you’ve ever had an irrational fear that the Moon is watching your every move, then this is the card for you.” Yes, this card is completely terrifying to say the least.

28. Of course, this naked lady brings in the new year by dumping a glass of wine on a gnome’s head.

Then again, these stupid drunk elves deserve to be pranked. Still, wonder how tiny this naked woman is. Surely she’s bigger than them.

29. Hope this guy sobers enough to wake up before the horse devours his hair off.

Yeah, you know this tuxedo guy has partied hard if he passes out drunk only to wake up with a horse munching on his hair. Of course, it might’ve been worse had he woken up at the other end of the horse.

30. Nothing brings in the spirit of the New Year than cute angels feeding champagne to an inebriated Man in the Moon.

Yes, I know the Man in the Moon was a common motif for the era, but this is kind of creepy. Also, he’s probably totally wasted by this point or once he gets through the bottle.

31. New Years is the time of year when the Man in the Moon can also be seen as a gnome’s ATM machine.

From College Humor: “May the New Year bring you riches in the form of a moon puking up gold coins. ” Now that’s just freaky. No, I don’t think the moon works that way.

32. There’s nothing like it on New Year’s Day than seeing a letter delivered to your home by a creepy child soldier.

I don’t know about you. But if I received a letter from that terrifying moppet, I’d certainly call in to have it checked to see if it doesn’t contain a poisonous white powder. Better be safe than sorry.

33. Happy New Year from the beetle with a branch.

I don’t understand why’d they put beetles on their cards. It just doesn’t make sense. What do these wretched bugs stand for?

34. Wishing you a happy New Year with a card depicting a boy serving dinner and a bottle of champagne.

I don’t know about you. But I think this kid might’ve poisoned something on his tray. Doesn’t have a nice look on his face. Don’t ask me why.

35. Ring in the New Year with some frogs going bowling with shrooms.

You can almost imagine this as an amphibious version of The Big Lebowski. Then again, this is freaky enough, especially with that one frog smoking a cigarette and their tacky pants.

36. Wishing a prosperous New Year from the kids carrying the punch and drinks.

Yeah, making the kids in carrying the drinks for the New Year’s Eve party. That is sure to work out (sarcasm). Seriously, no kids should be carrying anything made of glass or alcohol.

37. Looks like the New Year has just arrived.

Strange and Creepy New Year's Postcards from ca. 1900s-1910s (17)

And it seems to be a baby in a tweed coat, walking with a cane, carrying some luggage, and smoking a cigar. This is just messed up, man.

38. Seems like someone has been partying too much on New Year’s Eve.

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Let’s hope these two people are married and the wife is the designated driver. Because I don’t think the guy looks anywhere sober in this one.

39. Nothing makes ringing in the New Year like two clowns sharing a toast.

Strange and Creepy New Year's Postcards from ca. 1900s-1910s (26)

Now the clown at the top is just terrifying and I wouldn’t take a drink from him if I were the female clown. Because a clown is never funny in the moonlight, as Lon Chaney would say. He had a good point.

40. Of course, don’t let your pigs loose from your sleigh or else it’ll upset your pot of gold.

Strange and Creepy New Year's Postcards from ca. 1900s-1910s (28)

Yeah, you don’t want to lose your pigs pulling your sleigh of gold and shamrocks (which I more likely associate with St. Patrick’s Day). Still, I don’t know why they used pigs for New Year’s.

41. Of course, you can’t welcome 1906 without mentioning the mushroom people.

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Now I’ve heard about gnomes and fairies on toadstools. But this is ridiculous. Makes me wonder what the drug scene was in Kaiser Wilhem II’s Germany.

42. And look, one of those mushroom people freaks is serving some warm drinks.

Yes, this is as crazy as it sounds. One of them has a ladybug as a pet and on a leash. Seriously, people have been on acid trips during the 1960 that don’t come as freaky as this.

43. On New Year’s Eve parties, even pooches tend to get hammered.

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Wonder if anyone has a recipe to relieve a canine hangover. Not that it matters. But these pooches seem to have partied hard the previous night.

44. Nothing makes a great New Year’s than seeing a kid with flowers, money, 4 leaf clovers and a glass of wine.

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Now this isn’t a bad New Year’s greeting card. But still, that better be grape juice because that boy is certainly not legal. Also, I think he might want to get a new wallet because he’s dropping money everywhere.

45. Not sure if I want to sled down a hill with a bag of gold coins. But this gnome seems happy.

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Still, this smiling gnome seems terrifying to me for some reason. Yet, I don’t think spilling a sack of gold is very smart.

46. For the homeless bum, staring at the clock till it strikes midnight is all you might need to do.

I know it’s supposed to be funny. But to me, this seems kind of depressing if you think about it. This is especially since they’re waiting until midnight to get drunk.

47. Happy New Year from the naked kid who just made off with the old year guy’s stuff.

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Seems like this baby has made out with a cane, purse, and lantern. And it’s prancing in the snow in the buff. Yeah, it’s ridiculous if you really think about it. But I didn’t design this card. So don’t ask me.

48. Nothing makes your New Year’s bright than a baby giving a toast on a taxidermied cow head.

For one, this seems like this kid’s alcohol addled parents put him there. For what I don’t know. Second, I think that kid will fall off after he drinks that glass of wine.

49. Once again, it seems that the star people are now partying hard on New Year’s Eve with some champagne bottles.

I don’t know about you but I honestly think that these star kids are creepy as hell. Maybe it’s their star heads around their faces. Then again, I’m not sure of that either.

50. Looks like someone spent a little too much time with his drinking buddies on New Year’s Eve.

Wonder what’s going to hurt more for this guy in the morning. Will it be the hangover? Or will it be whatever wounds he sustained by being hit by a broom. You decide.

Merry Christmas from Our Family to Yours, on Christmas Memories (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 22, 2015

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Here is a picture of me and my sister Molly at KDKA during my first Hometown Hi-Q match in my junior year of 2006. My parents later used it for their family Christmas card that year.

Last year, I did a post on Christmas family photos people might find a bit awkward. And since it was quite popular this year and don’t have much else to do right now, I decided to do another. Now some Christmas photos are ones for families to cherish or put on a Christmas card. This picture of my sister and I at KDKA is a good example. And yes, my parents put it in their Christmas card. But for other photos, this isn’t the case. Sometimes a perfect picture is hard to shoot, particularly when little kids are involved because their potential for entropy is quite astronomical. This means that little kids don’t have a great tendency to cooperate in photo ops, particularly if they have to sit in again and again. Then there are photos that just happen to be taken at the wrong place and at the wrong time. I can think of plenty of those when it comes to my family. Still, without further adieu, here is a treasure trove of family photos of Christmas gone awry courtesy of Awkward Family Photos.

Since Star Wars: The Force Awakens is in theaters right now, let’s star with a family photo op from a galaxy, far, far away.

Apparently, Chewbacca doesn’t care for being in family photos that much. Still, I’d be worried about Darth Vader force choking him for ruining it.

2. Of course, we all had to do a Christmas art project in elementary school.

Now that is just so unintentionally inappropriate to put on a Christmas tree. Yeah, “Merry Christmas, Ho” how that got passed the school’s code of decency, I’ll never know.

3. Seems like Grandma has been drinking too much eggnog.

But luckily, she passed out near the Christmas tree. So it could’ve been worse like what happened to the old lady who got run over by Santa’s sleigh that someone wrote a song about.

4. “I saw Mommy killing Santa Claus/Underneath the mistletoe last night…”

Now that’s going to traumatize the little kids seeing this picture. Of course, the dog’s face is just priceless. Wonder what it’s thinking.

5. When it comes to ugly Christmas sweaters, sometimes they could border on the funny to unwittingly inappropriate.

What astounds me is how they have a Christmas sweater like this in a child’s size. Then again, I don’t consider bathroom humor as anything inappropriate for young children. I think most kids would get the joke.

6. Sometimes a Christmas photo op can seem more inappropriate than it actually is.

I’m sure the girl’s just wearing a costume. But her being next to a boy with sunglasses just makes it seem like she’s a Russian child bride of some sorts. Yeah, this has some pretty unfortunate implications.

7. “Hey, little boy, allow me to introduce you to my assistant, Charlie.”

Okay, I know that I make fun of Elf on the Shelf on the account of how creepy it is. But this photo makes me feel like I owe Elf on the Shelf an apology. And I don’t blame the little kid getting scared of that nightmare inducing dummy.

8. “Christmas Wishes” from your tackiest neighbors.

Now that has to be one of the tackiest figure skating poses I’ve ever seen. It’s like Edith Bunker skating with a young Roger Ebert. Don’t have time to explain the references to my younger viewers but you get the idea.

9. When it comes to looking for a Christmas tree, perhaps it’s best not to bring the dogs along.

Now that is just an unfortunate thing in a photo op that can’t be helped. Yeah, everyone seems to be paying more attention to the two dogs humping than anything.

10. When it comes to Christmas family photo ops, some can be quite strange.

And it seems everyone is going along with the idea except Norman who can’t help but wonder how being pictured from the outside is. He has a very valid point.

11. Of course, family togetherness brings joy, love, and the squabbles associated with it.

Now this one has a girl posing for the photo but Mom and her little brother are engaged in some kind of argument in the background. Yes, family togetherness at its finest.

12. Christmas is always the time of year when family members get together to bask in joy and good cheer.

Apparently, the merry Christmas spirit was surprisingly absent in this family. Yeah, let everyone know how you really feel this holiday season.

13. Sibling rivalry: Sometimes it starts way earlier than you think.

And to think these two would grow up together to be such great friends. Then baby sister pins her big brother to the floor during a photo shoot.

14. “Wear this Santa suit, they said. It’ll be fine they said. What do you mean, I look like a freaking idiot!”

Now this little baby really didn’t want to do its first Christmas picture. Still, that look is just so priceless.

15. Seems like someone really doesn’t want to sit on Santa’s lap.

It’s even funnier that, this isn’t a very sketchy Santa Claus either. Then again, there are a lot of kids who are scared of Santa so let’s give this boy some slack.

16. When it comes to photo ops, some things may not be what they seem.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. That baby has his hand in a very awkward position. But sometimes you can’t help that.

17. Season’s Greetings from Alaska.

Of course, let’s hope that none of their friends or family have any connection to PETA. And that this family is actually in Alaska. Because it would be silly if they’re not.

18. Apparently, Sally received the bike she wanted from Santa. Unfortunately, it happened to be from IKEA.

Of course, I don’t think IKEA sells bikes or bike parts. But if IKEA did sell bikes, they wouldn’t be great presents for Christmas since there’s some assembly required.

19. If you can’t afford to see a mall Santa, then Liquor Store Santa will do just as well.

Yeah, having Santa near the booze in thick glasses. That’s a great idea (sarcasm). Still, this photo looks pretty sad if you think about it.

20. Apparently, it seems that Santa takes his lunch at Subway.

Of course, I wouldn’t expect Santa Claus to prefer Subway sandwiches, after how the chain’s famous spokesman was revealed to do very naughty things. Still, this is a pretty funny picture and yes, I would try to pose with Santa on his break.

21. Sometimes dealing with crying little kids at the mall is somewhat more bearable, if one of their mothers just happens to be a MILF.

Seems like Santa seems to like young mothers sitting on his lap. Doesn’t seem to pay much attention to the kid. Yeah, don’t show this picture to the Mrs. Claus.

22. To all the men out there, there could be more embarrassing types of underwear than tidy whiteys.

As to why somebody’s dad would wear that type of underwear, I have no idea. Still, he could’ve used a step ladder to avoid the embarrassment. Also, that girl seems like she’s enjoying this.

23. No, Mom and Dad, you can’t French kiss in your family photo. That’s embarrassing to the kids.

Still, despite how the kids think their parents making out is disgusting, at least they can be happy that Mommy and Daddy aren’t getting a divorce. Nevertheless, this photo was probably staged, anyway.

24. You’ve heard of Santa Claus. But have you heard of the Christmas chicken?

Apparently, it probably was a Christmas tradition back in the day. But somehow it never caught on. Then again, this chicken seems to look as if Big Bird has just escaped from a mental ward.

25. When it comes to making Christmas cookies, some dads should stay out of the process altogether.

I don’t know about you. But these Christmas cookies don’t seem fit for family consumption if you ask me. But I’m sure the people at Hooters might think them a godsend.

26. Remember when you’re out in public, a wardrobe malfunction can happen at any time.

Of course, it’s apparent that this mother suffered a little accident and now part of her bra and cleavage are showing. And Santa seems well aware of it.

27. Of course, parents would want their kids to sit with a nice mall Santa. But sometimes shopping malls have to make due with what Santas they got. And some are nicer than others.

Seems like this Santa has spent too much time partying last night that he’s got a really bad hangover. So go easy on him, kids. Because Santa isn’t in his best mood today.

28. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. And look at all the moose we killed.

Yes, Millers, enjoy your moose kill photo op while it lasts. Because Bullwinkle is really not going to be pleased when he finds out about what you’ve done the male members of his family.

29. Apparently, the brothers had decided to form their own hair band.

Now this is such a terrible picture on so many levels. And what the hell is is with that background? That’s just creep shit, man.

30. Christmas has always been a season of great joy.

Unfortunately, the “Joy” sign in this picture is probably the closest thing we’ll come to it her. Yeah, little kids are cute, but sometimes they just don’t like taking pictures.

31. “A taxidermy of Bambi’s mom? You shouldn’t have.”

Is it just me, or does the dog seem like the voice of reason in this picture? Yeah, the presence of the taxidermied deer kind of makes this room a bit creepier. And I know that’s taxidermy because you can see the seam.

32. Nothing makes a great Christmas card worthy photo than having the whole family sitting in a Jacuzzi.

Now it seems that the parents thought it was a good idea at the time. However, Ralph’s smile couldn’t conceal the fact he felt this hot tub photo op was stupid.

33. This year’s Christmas dinner entree is none other than Head o’ Dad.

Now this photo was probably done as a joke as you can see. Still, this dad must have a wonderful sense of humor around the holiday season.

34. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays or so long, suckers.

This is a recent family Christmas picture from a congresswoman from Nevada. It was to support her stance against gun control. Yeah, nothing says “Peace on Earth” this Christmas than having your family armed to the teeth. What a bunch of NRAssholes.

35. When it comes to Christmas, some people tend to pose in their yuletide pajamas.

Now this baby seems like: “Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad. Now I’m going to pretend that I don’t even know you anymore.”

36. Merry Christmas from the family, the pets, and Dad’s new hunting trophy.

Yeah, Dad, just rub it in to your deer hunting friends who didn’t even get one this season. And it seems like some of these dogs want the hog the camera. As for the cats, not so much.

37. Nothing says Christmas like sharing a glass of wine with your family in your hot tub.

Let’s hope what’s ever in those glasses is just grape juice. Because I think the parents could risk arrest for serving alcohol to minors. And I’m sure there’s at least one person in here who’s under 21. The candles make the scene even more disturbing.

38. Seems like Grandma and Grandpa are doing Elf on the Shelf this year.

Now Elf on the Shelf is pretty creepy enough. But seniors thinking it as a good Christmas photo op idea? Now that’s just plain freaky. Still, they probably did it as a joke.

39. Apparently, during the photo op, Santa was a little busy listening to what Billy wanted for Christmas.

“Well, I want a Ninja Turtle, some jet skis, some Hot Wheels racing cars, a new baseball bat, a model airplane, a lightsaber…” You get the idea.

40. When it comes to Christmas pajamas, it helps if they match the furniture.

Seems like Mom and baby just blend right into the upholstery. Still, I think that checkered pattern may be fine for a recliner. Not so much for pajamas.

41. Seems like Aunt Debbie has some of her special Christmas cookies.

Now this picture seems to be the epitome of all Christmas tackiness in the 1980s. Also, the woman looks a bit tipsy and the cookies don’t seem the most appetizing.

42. Of course, sometimes Santa can’t express his contempt for sitting at the mall all day.

Something tells me that this Santa really doesn’t like his gig so much. And he’s not afraid to express in what’s supposed to be a wholesome family photo.

43. While some grandmothers are lauded for their culinary skills, there are some where it’s not the case.

Girl: “Grandma, what a disgusting dish you have.” Grandma: “The better to poison you with, my dear.”

44. Merry Christmas courtesy of Incest! the musical.

I think this photo op is staged as a joke. Still, you have to wonder what kind of responses this family received. And it appears one of the brothers is like, “My girlfriend is totally going to break up with me when she sees this.”

45. Merry Christmas from the Power family.

Now I have nothing against cross dressing or how someone expresses their gender identity. I have nothing against RuPaul either. However, I just don’t think RuPaul’s Drag Race makes a good theme for your family Christmas card. That’s just me.

46. It doesn’t feel like Christmas until you receive your annual spank from Santa.

Of course, this picture is obviously photoshopped. But yeah, it really doesn’t present a wholesome idea when you look more closely.

47. Merry Christmas from Frosty the Snowman and family.

Yeah, I couldn’t avoid a ridiculous family costume photo op in this post. And it seems this family is dressed up as snowmen. Still, I wonder what the kids think of it now.

48. “Uh, how much longer should I remain on the roof for this picture? Anyone?”

Apparently, doing a live nativity scene has it’s own unique set of challenges. Still, having an angel on a barn roof is kind of ridiculous. Let’s hope there’s a ladder somewhere so she could get down.

49. Nothing makes Christmas better than catching Mom and Dad in the hot tub.

I don’t know about you. But I don’t think a Jacuzzi is an ideal place for a family photo op. But that’s my opinion.

50. This holiday season, do your best to spread the love.

Unfortunately, the sight of crying children in a Christmas photo doesn’t really inspire love for me. Then there’s the baby wondering what the hell is going on here.

51. When it comes to bringing your pets for the holidays, make sure they’re spayed or neutered.

Because there’s a strong chance something like this might happen. And yes, everyone in this photo seems to be enjoying themselves over it, too.

52. Sometimes there’s that one member of the family who doesn’t seem to keen to smile.

“Smile? Why do I have to smile for this? No, I won’t smile for the camera. Smiling’s stupid.”

53. “Don’t worry, we’ll find some way to fit Granny on this couch.”

Seems like Granny wasn’t previously consulted about the arrangement. Now she’s screaming for dear life to the glee of everyone else.

54. Of course, when it comes to raising daughters, some dads might take embarrassment to the next level.

Yeah, everyone seems to think Daddy looks a bit funny in a dress that’s way too short for him. Still, if it was my dad, I wouldn’t find it so amusing.

55. Merry Christmas from the Lobster family.

Now these people seem like they can be related to the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Could they possibly be from another planet? I wonder if MIB knows about this.

56. Not surprisingly, everyone hated Mom’s choice of Christmas sweater that year.

Of course, only Peter was able to smile. The rest look like, “I really hope nobody at school sees this when it gets put on a Christmas card.”

57. Nothing brings in the Christmas spirit more than having your sons dress up for their holiday photo in bacon suits.

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Now I can totally understand dressing into candy cane suits. But what the hell does bacon have to do with Christmas? Also, they kind of remind me of the time when Lady Gaga wore her meat dress to the Grammys.

58. When it comes to building a snowman, nobody does the job better than 3 guys in their trunks.

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I suppose these men are members of the Polar Bear Club. Because they probably live in a place where there’s lots of snow (which isn’t my neck of the woods) and they’re not in appropriate winter clothing. Still, the shirtlessness could’ve been worse.

59. This Christmas, the Hendersons decided to pose for their Christmas photo in their red shirts. Only Elliot wasn’t pleased.

“If this was Star Trek, then I’m sure all of us would be murdered if Kirk decided to take us to beam us down to the planet. Still, if you want me to smile, then I’m not going along with it. It’s lame.”

60. Merry Christmas from Norman and Helen Finklestein.

Ever since Helen married Norman, her family couldn’t help but wonder whether he was a perfectly nice guy with no fashion sense or something more sinister behind a harmless facade. It was hard to say.

61. Looks like baby got a little distracted.

Apparently, he was so excited by the fountain that he had absolutely no idea that he was supposed to pose for a photo op. Yeah, seems baby is a little occupied by watching water spout from the pond.

62. Merry Christmas from the family, dogs, and falcons.

Seems that the boy in this picture thinks was expecting things to go worse than they did in this photo shoot. Of course, for him, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

63. The family that decorates the tree together stays together.

Not sure about climbing the tree to put the star on top. And it seems that Scruffy is loaning his support. Still, it’s totally photoshopped.

64. When your dog has had an operation, sometimes it’s nice for the owners to show solidarity.

Of course, I’m not sure if wearing a cone on your heads is one of them. Still, the dog seems like, “I know you want to show support for me. But please, can’t you just not try anything embarrassing? This is going too far.”

65. Seems like little Cindy made her first Christmas course – a baked puppy.

Yes, I know this is staged. But still, a puppy out of the oven is kind of disturbing. Even more so that it’s being pulled out by a happy little girl in a Santa hat. Yeah, that’s messed up.

66. Now this seems like Santa has this family’s situation all under wraps.

Or in this case, literally under Christmas wrapping paper. Yes, it appears that Santa has now taken Kelly Clarkson and her family hostage.

67. Nothing says Christmas like posing for a photo as 3 little pigs.

Now is it just me who has no idea what the hell pigs have to do with Christmas? And it doesn’t help that these piggies are in bows and tutus for God’s sake. Yeah, this is kind of strange.

68. Sometimes even Santa can have the stress get to him on certain days.

“How many of these screaming kids do I have to put up today? Can’t my shift just be over already? I’m already getting tired with it all.”

69. Merry Christmas from the Pinelli family.

Now this is the kind of Christmas photo I’d expect from some mad scientist who married his lovely assistant and had kids. Still, he continues to attract a rather creepy vibe as you can see.

70. Merry Christmas from Dwight Schrute and his cats.

Sure he may not look quite like Rainn Wilson’s character from The Office. And I know Dwight doesn’t like cats. But looking at this, he just reminds me of the guy for some reason.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 21, 2015

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Two years ago, I did a post on vintage Christmas cards that proved to be wildly popular in 2014. And because of that popularity, I decided to do another one, even if it’s so close to Christmas. Now there are plenty of vintage Christmas cards that might make you yearn for the good old days. For instance, this card of a nativity scene would certainly melt your heart with its artistic value despite that almost everyone in it but Balthasar looks way too white. And Jesus looks too old for a 12 day old newborn. Then again, this wasn’t aiming for realism and in Matthew it’s said that Jesus might’ve been a toddler when the magi arrived anyway. Nevertheless, with the exception of Balthasar, if the nativity story was more accurate, everyone should look like they wouldn’t be able to board their plane on time in an American airport. Still, when it comes to sending vintage Christmas cards, you can do worse than sending one with religious connotations. Because there are some cards out there that make you glad you live in the 21st century. And that’s what I’m going to show to you today. So without further adieu, here are some more vintage Christmas cards your grandparents never told you about.

Most of the year, the Big Bad Wolf wants to harass little pigs with intent to eat them. But on Christmas, they’re having a good old time together.

I don’t know about you. But these pigs should know that this is a wolf in Santa clothing. He wants to eat them. But do they really have a clue? I don’t know.

2. “A Happy Christmas and let me scare you while I’m walking my new teddy bear.”

Oh, please God, please let it be just a toy. But from the look on that girl’s face, it seems that bear might be real and it might maul those other two kids. And she’s taking delight in the possibility.

3. “Santa’s sleeping, quick, let’s take some toys before he wakes up.”

Really, kids? Stealing toys from Santa? Then again, the look on their faces might imply that they intend to do worse things. to St. Nick. The big guy better get up and run for it.

4. Hope sausaging this card will give you a merry Christmas.

Okay, what does “sausage a card” mean exactly? Then again, I’m not sure I want to know. Really, it might mean something dirty.

5. Merry Christmas, now watch Santa give this kid a good spanking.

Man, you think Santa’s a jolly old grandpa. But this one he seems like a child’s worst nightmare. Yeah, Santa’s not real nice when it comes to doling out corporal punishment on minors.

6. Merry Christmas from the Snowman family.

Now here’s Papa snowman about to carve a turkey. Now making one requires putting it in the oven at a high temperature. Which begs the question, how was this possible for Mama snowman to pull that off? Also, what’s with the snow cat and the snow bird?

7. Snowman wishes you to a warm and bright Christmas.

Because since he’s now surrounded by candle’s he’s basically trapped. One step out and he’s a puddle for sure.

8. Seems like this guy has messed with the wrong Christmas dinner. Of course, when they say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy New Year” they mean it in irony.

Now this is just so fucked up. This guy’s basically living a nightmare. I mean the turkeys, gingerbread man, and ham have basically kidnapped him, put him on a spit, and are now going to cook him rotisserie style.

9. Merry Christmas, courtesy of WWII Nazi Germany.

Yes, that’s a German soldier in the background and it seems like it’s from WWII. But those kids singing carols seem so menacing to me for some reason. Wonder if they’re dreaming of a white Christmas, but with them as the master race

10. Of course, no Christmas card post would be complete without examining the Christmas Eve dreams of a young child named Edgar Allan Poe.

For some reason, it appears this kid is having a nightmare on how the toys might be ganging up on him. That Jack-in-the-Box with the flaming hair is especially terrifying to me. And he seems to be rising from a grave.

11. “May your balls be kept out of the rough! Merry Christmas!”

This would make a great one for Tiger Woods since he’s a professional golfer. But I’d change the saying to, “May your balls be kept in your pants!”

12. “Christmas joys be thine.”

Now this is quite freaky. Seems like this pig is walking upright with human hands and is wearing clothes. She’s also using binoculars and carrying a book. Wonder how, oh, I don’t want to know.

13. Merry Christmas, now watch Old St. Nick strike a kid tied to a tree.

Is it just me, or did our ancestors view Santa as a much darker figure than we do today? I mean he’s about to beat a kid who’s tied to a tree. How can you get more messed up than that?

14. “Tis Christmas, dear,/I hope you’ll see,/The joys of Kewpies/On your tree.”

Seriously, those Kewpie dolls are absolutely creepy. I wouldn’t want one anywhere near my house, let alone on a Christmas tree. Also, that girl’s like, “I’ll hug em’ and squeeze em’ and keep em’ for ever and ever.” Gah.

15. Have a festive Christmas as you watch the pinecone guys dance with a sugarplum, candle, and heart cookie.

On second thought, that dance looks like a creepy cult ritual than anything. Doesn’t help that the pine cones have creepy looking faces with gray hair and bears. And the sugar plum looks demonically possessed. This looks like something from nightmares.

16. Merry Christmas greetings from the partying dogs and monkeys.

I don’t know what that monkey is doing with that dog near the chandelier. But it doesn’t look good. That one monkey and dog on the couch seem to have a lively conversation, on the other hand.

17. So I guess these are Scottish dogs, I reckon.

Upright dogs playing bagpipes in plaid. Now I haven’t seen that before. Makes me wonder whether this designer was on too much whiskey or hashish.

18. A Merry Christmas from the kids and the dogs.

Now the siblings in this look rather terrifying to say the least. But my attention is with the dog leading the other dog on the leash. Seriously, what does that mean? And how does that happen? Because that looks so fucked up.

19. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a dapper rich kid whipping hopeless victim to the wall.

Yes, this is a Victorian card and that boy in the coat is obviously an entitled brat. But that’s not going to help the poor boy’s case, especially when it comes to an umbrella.

20. Merry Christmas, courtesy of good old St. Nicholas, from your nightmares.

For the love of God, I have no idea what’s up with the Germans. It seems to them, that Santa Claus is a shadowing figure bringing toys for the good children while murdering the bad ones in their sleep.

21. Aw, looks like this polar bear and walrus are great friends.

On second thought, that polar bear is looking at the young walrus like it’s a nice chunk of meat for Christmas dinner. The walrus better get out and dodge before the polar bear plans to pounce on him.

22. “May yours be a joyful Christmas.”

Unfortunately, you can’t say the same about this dead bird. Now I wonder why anyone would think it’s a good idea to stick a dead bird on a Christmas card. Is it meant to be ironic to Victorians with a sick sense of humor? Because it totally kills the joyful mood.

23. Let’s see if these Soviet satellites can compete with Santa and his magical space horses.

As you can guess, this is a Soviet Era Christmas card during the Space Race. Because American Santa would be racing with a sleigh of reindeer. But this is just a crazy card nonetheless.

24. Be nice to Santa this year, kids, because he seems to be in a grumpy mood.

Because this year, Santa’s sleigh team went on strike and wrecked his sleigh. So now he’s stuck with this. So be extra good for Christmas this year, kids. Because Santa’s really grumpy.

25. Nothing says “Merry Christmas Greetings” like two gambling pigs playing farkle.

Wonder what these pigs are betting on. Are they gambling to determine which one goes in the oven? Or are they just playing for kicks? Hard to say.

26. “Okay, you ungrateful brat, here you go in my sack.”

Despite the card saying, “Loving Christmas wishes,” it seems that Santa Claus has resorted to child abduction. No word on what the boy’s parents have to say about his sudden Christmas Eve disappearance.

27. Of course, when the toys come alive and surround your bed on Christmas, it can be an unsettling experience, indeed.

Yeah, if I were that kid, I’d be scared shitless, too. Not sure if I’d cling to my bed at the sight of them. Then again, this child will probably not get up the next morning with clean underwear.

28. Nothing says Christmas like a frog dancing with a beetle on the beach.

Now this is freaky on so many levels. Even freakier is the fly playing the tambourine. Now frogs eat insects, right? I think so. Still, this card had to be made on drugs, which is the only sensible explanation.

29. Hey look, there’s Santa with his sack of toys. Wait a minute, those are children!

Yes, those kids look terrifying. But this card implies that Santa is kidnapping children for God’s sake! Seriously, that’s pretty insane if you think about it. And terrifying to say the least.

30. Merry Christmas, courtesy of the Abominable Snowman and Sasquatch.

Seems like Bigfoot and the yeti are in a fight to the death this winter. And it seems the squatch is digging his claws into the Abominable Snowman. But who will win remains to be seen.

31. “Wishing you a Merry Christmas and we are hoping to see your face again soon.”

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Uh, guys, I hate to break it to you. But I don’t think Dave is coming back after falling in the frozen lake like that. Well, unless someone pulls his feet and tries to save his ass. Which is what none of you are doing.

32. “Freeze, Santa, your toys or your life!”

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Something tells me that these children have been very bad this year and don’t like how Santa didn’t visit their homes. So they came in retaliation to steal his sack of toys.

33. This Christmas, it’s time to get kinky with the Krampus.

Now this looks pretty messed up to say the least. Is he trying to punish this woman? Or is that just the way he likes to make love? Also, what’s with the golden handcuffs?

34. Now here is the Krampus morbidly showing off a child he drowned.

Now that’s just scary beyond all reason. Yeah, I wonder what the Krampus did to that kid. Then again, maybe I don’t want to know.

35. Sometimes Krampus and St. Nicholas like to carpool on the town to pick up chicks.

Okay, so that’s what they mean. For some reason, the ladies don’t seem to mind so much. But from St. Nick’s face, he doesn’t seem to have good feeling about this.

36. “Sweet Adelaide, would you do me the honor of becoming Mrs. Krampus?”

Adelaide, no, don’t do it. Please for the love of God, don’t do it. Sure he may be a lonely Krampus, but it’s not like Beauty and the Beast. I swear it’s not.

37. Of course, when it comes to Krampus kidnapping the parents, the kids don’t seem to mind.

Yes, kids, it might be fun and games to frolic around the Krampus. But it’s over when he goes after and kidnaps you. Seriously, it’s not fun at all.

38. A happy Christmas to you from the kindly robin.

Uh, do these birds look like berry eaters to you, kindly robin? Because the beaks sure don’t look like it. Still, this is kind of freaky if you think about it.

39. Apparently there wasn’t enough rat to go around at the cat house.

Seems like Paw Paws got to the mouse first. But the other cats aren’t happy with it. Yeah, this dinner is really not going to end well. I’d be most scared of the one in the dress.

40. Nothing says Christmas like a clown coming up to a cop with a red hot poker.

Yeah, this clown is incredibly terrifying enough to murder you in your sleep. Still, he should know better than to mess with a cop, even if it’s a British bobby. This won’t end well for the clown.

41. Seems like these beetles are playing cricket.

Now this is just weird. Would’ve made more sense if it was the Beatles playing cricket. Still, how in the hell does this have to do with Christmas? And why does it exist?

42. Seems like the Pine Cone guy wants to wish this little girl in pink a Merry Christmas.

From Life in the Land of the Ice and Snow: “Don’t shake his hand, Little Girl! Don’t do it! There’s something off about this guy. I saw him on the subway last week. Stay away!” Yeah, why the hell would think this image was a good idea. Seems like the guy is about to whisk the kid away in his windowless carriage.

43. Yes, Santa will surely see you when you’re sleeping.

Now seeing Santa watching a girl sleep is pretty creepy. Still, whatever his thoughts are, they can’t be good. Not sure about hanging dolls on the tree either.

44. Of course, kids, if you want to see Santa looking out the window is your last chance.

I don’t know about you but Santa seems to have a sinister look in his face. And I think it’s freaking out one of the kids if you ask me. Yeah, they might want to stay away from the window.

45. Seems like Susie got just the doll she wanted.

From loaded hips: “I don’t think there’s enough going on here. I think we better add a floating pretzel and donut. That’ll really drive it on home.” Still, the Santa watching the girl doesn’t seem right as far as I’m concerned.

46. Looks like Santa Claus has been drinking too much egg nog.

Uh, Santa, I think you’ve had enough to drink. Seriously, you need to stop. This is how you ram your sleigh into little old ladies. Just so you know.

47. Nothing says Christmas than a scantily clad woman flirting with Frosty the Snowman.

Of course, Frosty is trying to get the nerve to tell her that this relationship isn’t meant to last. Because come spring time, he’s destined to be nothing but a puddle of water with his attributes.

48. Seems like a toy soldier has gotten into a fight with a pine cone guy.

Yeah, nothing says Christmas like fighting over a candy or possible explosive. Of course, both seem to be quite terrifying and nightmare inducing if you ask me. But that’s beside the point.

49. Beetle wishes gnome a merry Christmas.

Actually it kind of looks like the beetle wants to eat the gnome for Christmas dinner. Yeah, he’s not going to last long it seems.

50. Nothing says Christmas like a bunch of birds lining up with torches in their wings.

They card says, “May All Jollity Lighten Your Christmas Hours.” However, that doesn’t explain why all these birds look so militant. As if they were about to group into a mob to kill a neighborhood cat. Oh, that explains it.

Not So Great Tidings of Not Much Comfort and Joy Christmas Gift List

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 19, 2015

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Me with my mom, dad, and sister Molly at KDKA in 2007 for my Hometown HiQ appearance. It was my senior year in high school when my team ended up in the semi-finals and won $2,000 for our high school. This image might’ve appeared on my family Christmas card that year.

Of course, we all receive bad Christmas gifts at least once in our lives. I myself have received some body lotion in my teenage years that I haven’t had any use for. However, when it comes to giving presents, it tends to be very hard to find the perfect gift that you can afford. This is especially true when it comes to giving something to my sister who tends to the finer things in life and I’ll leave it at that. Then you have my dad who can be rather hard to buy for some years since he’s a guy. Luckily, I’m fortunate enough to have a gift list that only includes 5 people. Nevertheless, while finding a gift for someone can be rather nerve-wracking, determining what doesn’t make a great gift is fairly easy. And let’s just say, most of the gifts I’m about to feature in this article are clearly gifts that the people on your list really don’t want for Christmas. Nor would you want to receive any of these yourself. Now there are some gifts people don’t want like scales, neckties, outdated gadgets, bad movies, fruitcake, or what not. But listing those ideas would be boring and won’t glue you on this post for long. So instead, I list some of the more outrageous gift ideas of things you didn’t know you didn’t want. You know stuff that’s so terrible, offensive, insulting, unnecessary, or inappropriate that it’s unintentionally hilarious. That is when it comes to someone else this Christmas, anyway. So without further adieu, here are some gifts I strongly suggest you avoid giving your loved one for Christmas. Also, some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

Kitty Carpet Reusable Downstairs Toupee

And I thought head toupees for bald men were stupid enough. Now they have one for pubes. As if shaving your pubes isn’t a stupid idea already. A pube toupee is even dumber than that.

2. Accu‑Measure Fitness 3000 Personal Body Fat Tester

From Refinery29: ” Seriously? Fancy perfumes, designer handbags, luxurious chocolates — there are so many delightful presents in the holiday-gifting palette. So, why would anyone choose the one that says, ‘Watch that holiday weight gain, cakey’?” Yeah, they have a point.

3. Willy Warmer

Because what the man in your life really needs this winter is a snug for his junk. After all, he doesn’t want his genitals to freeze. Then again, why would a guy need this if underwear and pants do the trick just as well?

4. Cyber Clean Putty

Think about it as silly putty but it’s meant for cleaning your cell phone, computer, and other electronics. Yeah, loads of fun with that (sarcasm).

5. Hobo Tool

Handy for the times when you’re a homeless bum who’s always on the move and on a budget. Beats having to use rusty tools you found in junkyard for cutlery doesn’t it?

6. Achoo! Pepper Mill

Now you enjoy freshly ground pepper on your food coming straight from a giant, plastic disembodied nose. Sounds kind of disgusting, doesn’t it? Well, that’s because it is.

7. Extreme Chores: Motioned Controlled Video Game

Now you can enjoy all the fun of racing against the clock doing yard work, doing dishes, raking leaves, and cleaning the litter box. Makes doing household tasks fun for the whole family. Available on Ninentdo Wii.

8. 23andMe DNA Testing Kit

From Refinery29: “Despite all the chair-throwing and sexy moms, we’ve always felt our family holidays didn’t resemble an Maury episode enough. Enter, 23andMe’s DNA home-testing kit. Enjoy that holiday family-togetherness vibe while you still can, because with this gift, you might be just one saliva sample away from ‘You are NOT the father.'” Seriously, do you really want being home for the holidays to be like Maury? I don’t.

9. Spaghetti Fork with Rotating Head

Finally, a fork designed for specifically eating spaghetti. Just turn it on and see your fork twirl the noodles around it. Funny, I’ve been eating spaghetti for years and turned my regular fork to get the same result.

10. Bestow Wall Mounted Vase

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Ah, nothing like a disembodied hand carrying a fresh bouquet of flowers from a wall. Reminds me of something you’d see in a horror movie.

11. Poopy Time Fun Shapes

Finally, a toy that makes toilet time so much fun. Now they can stick these up their asses and make adorable shapes as they do a No. 2. Has received 2 thumbs up from the late Billy Mays himself.

12. Toilet Teapot

The kind of pot for when you have tea time but are sitting on the porcelain in the smallest room in the house. Has lovely floral decorations.

13. Onion-Chopping Goggles

From Refinery29: “In holiday gifts, versatility is key. These handy kitchen goggles in lady-friendly pink are just the thing for when you get thrown in a gulag on onion-chopping detail again — or when outfitting your rap crew for a Mariah Carey remix video.”

14. Flashing Wine Glass

For the times when you throw a house party at night but can’t decide whether to theme it as a disco or a rave. Yeah, these are quite tacky to say the least.

15. GAMAGO Spray Can Projection Clock

The kind of clock you use when you need to know what time it is in the dumbest way possible. Seriously, who’s ever heard of getting the time from an aerosol can?

16. Coffin Couch

For those who think, “I wish my living room looked just like walking into a funeral parlor.” Still, I doubt that most funeral homes have a couch made from one of their fancy boxes for dead people.

17. Enlighted Bra

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Finally, a lingerie item that provides bust support, lets you see in the dark, and helps you get noticed like a stripper at a rave. Yeah, not sure if I want any light up lingerie. That’s just too much.

18. Poo-Pourri

It’s the kind of spray you use before you go to the bathroom so you don’t leave a stink. Comes in a variety of scents like Call of the Wild, Deja Poo, No. 2, Poo La La, Royal Flush, Trap-a-Crap, and Secret Santa.

19. Underwear Safe

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They’re the kind of tidy whitey underwear where Walter White might keep his meth money while traveling. Yeah, I’m sure nobody would want to touch those Benjamins after where they’ve been.

20. Home Stripper Pole

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Finally, a way to exercise that makes your kids think you’re “training to be a firefighter.” And a workout routine that might help you earn a living dancing on tables.

21. Life Gem Memorial Diamond Ring

Because nothing says, “I love you” than giving your girlfriend a ring with a diamond made from the ashes of your dead grandma. If my boyfriend asks me to marry him, he should just stick to a normal-sized diamond. A LifeGem one is just too disturbing.

22. Cell Mate Cell Phone Earpiece Holder

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Now you can make phone calls on your cell in a way that leaves your hands free on the wheel. Too bad getting a bluetooth would’ve saved you a lot of embarrassment.

23. iPanties

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Now these slip crotch panties have a feature that allows you to slide to unlock. Sorry, fellas, I was just kidding. Still, wouldn’t want to receive these from my boyfriend for Christmas.

24. iCarta iPod Toilet Paper Holder

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Now you can listen to your iPod music as go on the pot and in speaker mode. Then again, it might be cheaper just to listen to your music while you’re wearing headphones on the throne.

25. Steak Brander

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Because a grillmeister always has to give his meat his own personal signature. Seriously, is branding your steak really necessary? Seriously, why?

26. Mobile Back Massage

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Not sure if it’s effective against back pain. But I think it will be great for a Ninja Turtles Halloween costume. Seriously, it looks too much like a turtle shell to take seriously.

27. Goatee Saver

From The Telegraph: “A very good idea disguised as something that looks very stupid.” Guy has to bite into a plastic template in order not to mess up his goatee. I’ll let you figure out how stupid it is for yourself.

28. Beer Scented Candle

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Because nothing makes your home smelling fresh like a candle giving off a fragrance that makes it smell like a bar. Yeah, pretty much the same reason why I thought a Haymitch scented candle was utterly ridiculous.

29. Sing Along Tongs Silicon Tipped Cooking Tongs

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Now you can sing along while cooking in the kitchen while annoying the shit out of the whole family. Yeah, nothing more fun than tossing your salad while getting on your family’s nerves.

30. Retro Phone

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When you want to have wireless communication while wanting to hold your phone the old fashioned way. Some might call this being ironic. I call it idiotic.

31. Smoking Mittens

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The kind of mittens that allow people to light up outside in the cold while keeping their hands nice and warm. Of course, you could save money and years of your by just quitting smoking. Also, might encourage clothing fires or kill you.

32. Candy Kitten Crap

Sure these candies might taste pretty good. However, by the shape of them, you wouldn’t know it. Still, a pretty gross concept if you think about it.

33. Hairy Leggings

Great for wearing when you really want to get out of a second date with the guy who was mean to the waiter on the first one. Am I right, ladies? Probably better if you just don’t shave.

34. Dead Fred Pen Holder

The kind of pen holder that makes your co-workers think that a. you moonlight as a serial killer, b. you have a sick sense of humor, or c. both a and b. Yeah, doesn’t look appropriate for a desk.

35. Coal Candy

Yes, enjoy the great taste of being bad for Christmas. Also, tastes like suffocating air pollution responsible for deadly smog attacks, carbon emissions causing climate change, and harmful acid rain. Enjoy.

36. Toothpaste Tube Wringer

Now your friend can use all the toothpaste in the tube before he or she has to buy more. Basically a way to tell them how much of a cheapskate they are.

37. Shove It Pen Holder Set

Yes, nothing says professionalism at the office than having your pen stuck up inside a rear end with a chain. Might be a subtle way of a co-worker saying what asshole you are.

38. Ab Enhancer

For the guy who wants a beach bod but has a work ethic akin to George Costanza. And they don’t mind wearing a grill for several minutes a day either.

39. Toilet Bank

Helps teach kids the value of saving money while putting their weekly allowance down the toilet. But only because this bank is shaped like a commode.

40. Bacon Lube

The kind of personal massage oil and lubricant for a man who likes to smell like a crispy pig in the sack or breakfast. Honestly, does anyone in their right mind would be sexually aroused by the smell of bacon? Seriously, why?

41. Fish Deboning Playset

Hey, kids, learn how to gut and debone a fish. It’s fun. Yeah, just the kind of toy to freak out their parents.

42. Chalk Outline Guy Blanket Throw

Now this blanket is guaranteed to make anywhere in your living room look like a crime scene investigation. Well, a televised crime scene investigation anyway. They don’t do chalk outline guy in real life.

43. Big Ox Oxygen

For the low price of $5, you can give your loved one a bottle of air to breathe in. Then again, $5 is a high price to pay for something you already get every day for free.

44. Family Blankeez

Because nothing makes family togetherness more worthwhile than sitting on the couch sharing a whole snuggie. Holds up to 8 people. Seriously, this is just plain weird to me.

45. Campfire Cologne

Because anyone should be able to smell like you’ve spent a night with smoke blowing in your face. Not to be confused with Burning Building Cologne.

46. Moose Poop Necklace

Because nothing says romance than receiving a moose turd on a gold chain from your boyfriend. Seriously, this has to be one of the shittiest jewelry present ever.

47. Lipstick Hip Flask

From Refinery29: “Prediction: The woman who thinks a lipstick-shaped flask is cute is also waiting eagerly for Sophie Kinsella’s next novel.” By the way, Sophie Kinsella is a chick lit author best known for her Shopaholic series.

48. Gold Rush Dirt of the Month Club

Nothing makes a great gift than having different kinds of dirt sent to you on a monthly basis. I’m sure some of the dirt they send you can easily dig up for free. This is stupid.

49. Eyeglass Lights

Helps you see in the dark at night while losing all your sense of dignity. And it makes this guy look like he’s had one restraining order too many.

50. Dashboard Eyeball Wiggler

Now this looks like a great dashboard decoration. For Halloween. Other times a year it might make people think you’re a sicko. And that fez might offend some Shriners.

51. Betty Beauty Hair Dye for Pubic Area

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Okay, why would anyone think of dying their pubes? Nobody’s going to see them other than people in the locker rooms or your significant other. I don’t understand it.

52. Gangster Cheese Grater

If the gift receiver’s Italian, he or she is bound to either really like it or think it expresses a very offensive Italian mafia stereotype. Maybe both. So I wouldn’t risk it.

53. Giant Microbe Plushies

Ah, yes, kids, cuddle up with an adorable microscopic plushie representing something that might kill you or make you sick. Range from fatal diseases, STDs, parasites, body cells, and others.

54. Heaven Travel Kit

Now you can reserve a spot in Heaven and eternal life with this travel kit. Contains letters, forms, ticket, certificate, and travel guide. Sorry, but I don’t think getting isn’t like reserving a spot on a plane. This is probably a joke.

55. Bluetooth Unisex Gloves

Because talking to your friends looks way less crazy this way. Then again, it’s sure to make people think that you might need psychiatric help.

56. Life Countdown Watch

This Christmas, give the gift of impending mortality (that also comes fitted with a comfy wrist strap). Costs $79.99. For some reason, I think this is either a joke or a shameless ripoff.

57. Beard Bells

From Refinery29: “On the bright side, you can hear any fool who chooses to wear these coming from a mile away.” I’m sure these will be annoying as hell and hard to get off once the fun is over.

58. Desktop Drum Set

From Refinery29: “For when you’re just one spot away from earning the title of ‘World’s Worst Coworker.'” I have a friend who was a drummer in high school. He may enjoy this but that doesn’t mean I’d recommend anyone give it to him.

59. 360 Degree Mirror

From Refinery29: “Handy for developing insecurities about the one spot on the back of your head you never noticed before!” Totally don’t need this in my life. Got enough insecurities to worry about already like social skills.

60. Individualized Beverage Warmer

From Refinery29: “A passive-aggressive way to tell someone that you think it takes them way too fucking long to drink their coffee.” I’ll say.

61. The Fizzics Beer System

From Refinery29: “Ever wished your $2 beer tasted like a $3 beer? Here is a thing that costs $170 that will make your dreams a reality!” Then again, you could just save more money with buying $3 beer. It’s cheaper than that.

62. USB Typewriter Keyboard

Think of it as a typewriter for the digital age that you can use with your iPad. But you can also do spell and grammar checks with it as well. Kind of like what you do with a computer.

63. Hoverboard with Bluetooth Speaker System

From Refinery29: “This hoverboard comes with a speaker system so you can announce to the entire world that the village douchebag has arrived.” Costs $674.99 or a massive waste of money.

64. Wireless Eye Massage

From Refinery29: “Not sure about you, but there’s nothing soothing sounding about an ‘eye massage.'” Costs $149.99 so not worth it.

65. Gift of Nothing

Yes, nothing makes a great Christmas gift for the person who has everything than a ball of nothing costing $9.99. Could’ve been cheaper if you made it yourself. Or just come with nothing.

66. Stress Buster Desktop Punching Ball

From Refinery29: “You managed to fool HR’s personality test — don’t blow it now by violently punching a mini hot-air balloon every time your boss walks by.” Yeah, probably not the best way to deal with stress at work.

67. Grandma’s Last Christmas Tree Scented Candle

Perfect for anyone who wants their living room to smell of apples, cinnamon, and creeping mortality. Seriously, what the hell were they thinking?

68. Hand Fitness Trainer

It’s like a fitness trainer for your hand. Not sure how this works. And I’m not sure if I want to know.

69. Menu Wine Tote

It’s like if a tote bag and a box of wine got together and had a baby. But this is more classier than boxed wine. Not sure if that might lead people to think you have a drinking problem.

70. Rox The Eternal Ice Cube

Refinery29: “Sure, they water down your whiskey, but what ice cubes don’t do is chip your teeth when you’re knocking back a stiff one.” These look more like, well, rocks so to speak.

71. Teddy Bear Lamp

Yes, parents, nothing lights up a child’s room while traumatizing them at the same time than a lamp of a decapitated teddy bear. Sure to send any small child for a lifetime of psychotherapy. That or have nightmares.

72. Tampon Flash Drive

I don’t know about you. But when a woman is on her time of the month the last thing she needs is to not be able to tell the difference between her tampons and her flash drives. Don’t want to make a mistake flushing these down the toilet.

73. BluePrint Excavation Cleanse

From Refinery29: “When you truly, deeply care about your loved one’s toxic colon, give them BluePrint’s signature Excavation Cleanse. Excavation’s refreshing green juices and agave-sweetened lemonades promise an internal deep-cleaning that ‘takes you much deeper, so you can finally unearth those crayons you ate when you were three.’ Wait a minute — juice and crayons? It’s DOUBLE PRESENTS, people!”

74. Anti Sag V-Line Chin Sauna Mask

Now this might be an anti-wrinkle beauty treatment mask. But to me it’s a mask perfect for anyone who plans to dress up as a sexy Hannibal Lecter for Halloween.

75. Grayson Perry Scrotal Sack Handbag

From Refinery29: “We’re really, really sorry about this one, people. NOPE, it’s not a Fendi, Hermès, or Mulberry. This is a Grayson Perry original, made by the British artist as a one-off gift for a friend (presumably not a frenemy). Thus, we’d like to nominate this jingle-bell-festooned “sac” as history’s worst gift. Worse than the Trojan Horse and small-pox blankets combined. Thankfully, Perry has no intentions of ever producing another, despite a flood of requests. And, that, dear readers, is our gift to you.”

76. Fifty Shades of Grey Charm Bracelet

Let me give you a word of advice for my male viewers trying to think of what to give to their female significant other: Just because she might want a Fifty Shades of Grey charm bracelet, doesn’t mean you should get one for her. Keep that in mind and give her a Hunger Games bracelet instead.

77. Touchscreen Leather Gloves

From Refinery29: “Perfect for the on-the-go techie who hates unsightly screen smudges and maybe does a bit of murder on the side.” Was thinking the same thing myself.

78. Spanx Skinny Britches

From Refinery29: “What it says: ‘Whoa there, lady, you really went crazy on the mince pies this yuletide season, didn’t you? Don’t worry, you can squelch up the fat in these bad boys.’ Control pants are fine to buy for yourself, but never okay as a gift. Same applies to anti-aging moisturisers, acne treatments, and fitness DVDs.” Agreed.

79. Gun Lamp

From Huffington Post: “The Bill of Rights not only guarantees the right to bear arms, but it allows Americans the right to have lamps with gun-shaped bases. Regardless of where your views fall in the gun rights battle, it’s safe to say there are many Americans who would love to use this for target practice.” Let’s just say I would never want this to be in my living room. No way in hell.

80. Old Man Peeing Liquor Beverage Dispenser

When it comes to great tasting liquor, some think there’s nothing better than having it from an old man’s genitalia. Of course, I’m not one of these people who thinks the slogan, “Urine for a treat” is appealing.

81. Sandal Socks

Guaranteed to keep your feet warm and your virginity intact (if you haven’t lost it already). But it’ll cost you all your sense of dignity.

82. Slicey the Pig Dashboard Wiggler

Now this just look so fucked up for God’s sake! Seriously, the pig is basically cutting itself in half and doesn’t seem upset about it. Also, it’s eyes are terrifying. No, don’t put this on your car, ever.

83. Car Eyelashes

Enhance your car’s beauty for $32.99 with these lashes to fit on its headlights. Okay, this is just a waste of money. Not to mention, they’ll look pretty stupid on your pickup truck or SUV.

84. Portable Body Scale

As if you thought a regular bathroom scale was bad enough for a gift. This one makes you insecure about your weight when you’re on the go. Yeah, makes you think twice before eating that burger does it?

85. Vibrating Sauna Pants

Man, they still have these and now in a bright orange updated version. Simply adjust the temperature and experience the hot feeling of your sweaty underwear year round.

86. Neckline Trainer

From the Guardian: “Available at all good pseudo-scientific retailers, the Neckline Trainer is a great gift for people who believe that two minutes a day nodding on springs will ‘dramatically reduce the appearance of a double chin’. ” Yeah, I’m sure that’s going to work (sarcasm).

87. Toilet Roll Puzzle

Now this is the kind of gift for someone you hate. Watch the fun, games, and underwear stains as people try to work out how to wipe their ass. Make sure you read the instructions before you hand it over (heh, heh).

88. Which Wittchedy Grub?

Oh, great just the kind of candy everyone wants. Chocolate maggots. Disgusting. Then again, can’t be as bad as crunchy frog, ram’s bladder cup, cockroach clusters, and spring surprise.

89. Marijuana Home Test Kit

Well, if it’s legal, then testing positive won’t be a problem. If not, then you’re basically screwed. And yes, you wouldn’t want to show this to the cops.

90. USB Humping Dog

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It’s supposed to be a dog humping USB port. Yeah, it’s supposed to look like it’s humping your computer if you plug it in. Yeah, it’s pretty ridiculous.

91. Teatanic Tea Infuser

Yes, you can now have a replica of a famous ocean liner that hit an iceberg in 1912 and sank into the North Atlantic leaving over 1,500 people dead. Yeah, seems pretty mean if you ask me.

92. Handerpants

Yes, these are underpants for your hands. Don’t ask me why these exist. I wasn’t the one who thought about these.

93. Undercap

Goes well with Handerpants and will make you look even more stupid. Who the hell thinks of these things I have no idea. Seriously, why?

94. Knife Holder Man

Hmmm…..just what I need in the kitchen. A guy to stick knives in which would freak out the kids. Now why did they think this was a good idea? This is just disturbing if you ask me.

95. Canned Unicorn Meat

Looks more like ground meat in glitter. Not sure if the meat is fit for digestion. Disgusting and unappetizing if you ask me.

96. Wake & Bake Dream Griddle Alarm Clock

Might be a great way to wake up to breakfast in bed in the morning. But then you realize someone has to cook the eggs and pancakes. So I wouldn’t recommend this for people who live alone.

97. Animal Modesty Panels

From Refinery29: “Nothing says, ‘Cover it up, Sister Wife’ like a convenient 3-pack of modesty panels!” I think I’d stick with exposing my cleavage than covering it up with tacky animal prints. That’s just stupid.

98. Vino 2 Go

From Refinery29: “Name me one scenario in which a cupholder-sized “Vino2Go” is advisable.” That’s an excellent point. I mean you obviously can’t drink from it while you’re driving. That would get you a DUI. Then again, if you have to have wine on the go, you might need an intervention.

99. Work Boot Personalized Stocking

Because why should you let boys hang their sissy looking Christmas stockings at the fireplace this year? This is the kind of stocking that’s for real men. Looks like some Hummer driving dad isn’t secure with his masculinity.

100. Hobbit Feet Slippers

Because in order to be a big fan of Middle Earth, you have to walk around in a hobbit’s shoes. And since hobbits don’t wear them, you have walk around in slippers of big hairy feet. Gross.

SantaCon Costumes Are Coming to Town

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 18, 2015

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Okay, SantaCon is actually over for this year and I couldn’t do a post on it then since I was in Richmond, Virginia last weekend for my sister’s VCU graduation. But still, I have to keep the Christmas posts coming somehow. Now SantaCon is an American holiday tradition that’s an annual mass gathering where people dressed as Santa Claus or other Christmas characters parade in several world cities in a parade and pub crawl. Though originated in San Francisco as “joyful performance art” in the 1990s, it’s largest gathering is in New York City. And it’s now evolved into a “reviled bar crawl” of drunken brawling, vandalism, and disorder in New York City and elsewhere. It has resulted in fierce community resistence, especially from parents who don’t want their kids to see a naughty Santa. Other names for this are Santarchy, Santa Rampage, the Red Menace, and Santapalooza. Still, despite it’s naughty yuletide reputation, this doesn’t mean we can’t have fun with SantaCon. And as I looked on Pinterest, SantaCon has an array of unique Christmas costumes to boot. So for your reading pleasure, here is a treasury of SantaCon costumes that you might like to see. And you don’t have to take my word for it.

Some might find sexy gingerbread lady yummy enough to eat this holiday season.

I don’t know about you. But for some reason, I don’t think food should be sexy. Seriously, that’s just wrong.

2. Of course, at SantaCon there’s bound to be one sexy Frosty the Snowman.

But I’m sure she won’t be wearing this in order to build one. Seriously, that outfit is totally unsuited for below freezing temperatures. Dressing like that will get you hypothermia.

3. He may live at the North Pole but he has a hunk of heart of burning love.

Seems like Santa Elvis has just entered the building. Has his Santa suit, red sash, big glasses, and slicked back pompadour and all. Now he’s all sleighed up.

4. Sometimes at SantaCon it’s either be present or be present.

And it seems this guy managed to fit his upper torso in a purple present box. But he asks not to be opened until Christmas.

5. Since the Nutcracker is running this season, you can’t forget the toy soldier.

Now this toy soldier costume is for women as you see. But unlike some of the costumes so far, it ain’t supposed to be sexy at all.

6. As with any winter wonderland gathering, you can’t forget the Ice Queen.

Of course, I’m sure she’s probably the slowest member of the SantaCon pub craw. However, her dress is a convenient flat surface nonetheless.

7. When it comes to Santas, a sexy one is a real treat.

I don’t mind women dressing as Santas. However, I kind of find it hard to accept one being sexy in a Santa suit. Maybe it’s just me.

8. Still, a toy soldier can always look so proper and badass in a big tall furry hat.

Yes, I know that toy soldiers usually tend to be guys. But this guy in such a costume kind of gives me the creeps for some reason. I don’t know why.

9. For lady Santa costumes, a cape and a skirt is all you need.

Now that looks kind of cute and not too sexy as some of the other costumes. However, I hope her tights keep her legs warm enough. Because they look they might freeze.

10. Now this costume looks like a cross between Santa and a Victoria’s Secret model.

Then again, if you love Christmas and have a job dancing on tables, this might be the SantaCon outfit for you. Unless the weather in your neck of the woods is below freezing of course.

11. To appear more festive at New York’s SantaCon, you might want to go as a Rockette.

Of course, you might look glamorous in such an outfit. But if it’s 32 below outside, you might want to wear it with pants.

12. Now this pink Santa outfit will make you the darling of the Santa pub crawl.

Now this one looks like a Santa nightie you might see at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show. And I’m not sure those stockings are bound to keep you warm in freezing weather either.

13. Now this woman is dressed as a gingerbread lady who’s yummy enough for Santa’s plate.

While many of these costumes certainly come from stores like Yandy or Party City, this woman has made her own. And yes, she looks so cute in it. Love the mittens.

14. If you prefer a long dress, may I suggest you dress as a Victorian caroler?

Now that really doesn’t look like something from the 1800s. Then again, if it looked authentic, it would be terribly uncomfortable and hard to fit through a door.

15. This girl at SantaCon comes as pretty as a Christmas tree.

Wait a minute, she is a Christmas tree. And it seems that she made her own costume by dressing in green with tinsel and some metal to boot.

16. For the holiday season, it helps to dress up as pretty snowflakes.

Seems like these women decided to match and make their own costume as well. Hope they don’t hit somebody with those giant snowflakes possibly made from construction paper.

17. Of course, a sexy toy soldier always has to wear a short black skirt.

Looks more like a marching band majorette uniform to me. Then again, I’m sure her legs would be freezing cold once it snows.

18. You better watch out/You better not cry/You better not pout, I’m telling you why/Santa pimp is coming to town.

Now this is a Santa who prefers you to be naughty instead of nice. Because when you’re naughty toward his ho, ho, hos, he gets paid. Yeah, he’s very naughty as well.

19. You can be a sexy Santa with a short red and white fur lined dress and some jingly reindeer antlers.

For the love of God, can’t we not sexualize Santa for once? He’s a jolly fat man with a white beard. And yet, they make sexy Santa costumes. That’s not right.

20. Of course, we shouldn’t forget about the unsung heroes of Christmas who get absolutely no recognition: Santa’s sleigh repair crew.

You know, the guys who make sure Santa’s sleigh is up and running for Christmas Eve. Yeah, you probably never heard of them. But hey, somebody has to do it. You also forget about those who have to clean up after the reindeer, too.

21. As Santa said, “Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you drive my sleigh tonight.”

Now this sexy Rudolph costume is bound to make anyone look like a deer in the headlights. Then again, female reindeer do have antlers this time of year. So why not.

22. Nothing makes you a darling of SantaCon than a Santa suit and a light up ugly Christmas sweater.

Seems this guy will soon be easy for the cops to find if he’s acting too naughty at this convention. Yeah, SantaCon doesn’t really have a good reputation.

23. When it comes to being sexy Santa, why need pants?

Now this is just wrong. I’m sure no one would wear something like that at the North Pole. Still, if a guy wore that, would we call him sexy? No, we’d think he looks like an idiot.

24. A lady toy soldier always looks sharp in a red skirt and white hat.

Also looks like a marching band majorette uniform to me. Also, I don’t think the short skirt and tights are cold weather accommodating.

25. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the Santabot 3000.

Now this is a clever costume if you think about it. However, I suppose this guy will have trouble moving around. Wonder what his gift giving efficiency rate is.

26. A candy cane costume is sure to make you look as sweet as peppermint.

I don’t know about you but she looks more like what you’d expect Candy Cane forest inhabitant to look like if Candyland was a horror movie. Then again, at least she has everything matching.

27. Seems like these presents didn’t have much wrapping to them.

I’m sure these aren’t meant for freezing conditions. Still, you probably shouldn’t unwrap them until Christmas, just to be safe.

28. When it comes to SantaCon, it’s all for one and one for all.

Now these are just Santa versions of the 3 Musketeers. And yes, they’re using candy canes instead of swords.

29. Of course, in warmer climates, Santa might don a sombrero.

I don’t know about this. Kind of think sombreros and Santa suits don’t go together. Maybe it’s just they’re clothing articles made for different climates.

30. At SantaCon, real man dress as reindeer with real animal skin.

Not sure how PETA would feel about this (then again, I do). Still, hope he’s not wearing it during deer season.

31. Of course, not all snowflake costumes are alike.

Yes, snowflakes are pretty. But this guy looks like he’s an advertising mascot for some product. I don’t know why.

32. Seems like Santa’s bound to have a blue Christmas this year.

Well, this is a blue Santa suit. And yes, they exist. Still, not sure if that’s Santa’s color.

33. Of course, tis the season for snowmen.

Now this is a rather convincing snowman costume. However, I can’t help thinking that it looks a bit creepy. Must be the eyes.

34. When one of you is a toy soldier, almost all of you have to match.

Now it’s snowing here. Then again, at least some of these girls are wearing pants. But one stands out because she’s wearing a green and red hat.

35. Looks like this Santa pimp is looking for some of his ho, ho, hos.

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Yeah, don’t know what’s behind the Santa pimp costume either. Then again, I do like his candy cane suit, red fedora, and pimp candy cane.

36. Sometimes a silver Christmas tree makes a less complicated costume.

Now this one doesn’t have a lot of silver limbs on it. But I do like how she put all those bulbs on that cone hat. Very stunning.

37. During the holiday season, there’s nothing better than a sexy polar bear.

With a costume like that, you’d swear that she was a member of the polar bear club. Hope she loves to swim in freezing temperatures in that.

38. Don’t worry about them. They’re just a couple of candy canes.

Now those are clever costumes. It’s apparent how their white outfits are covered in red ribbons. And how their crooks are made from paper.

39. Now I’m not sure which one of these two is supposed to be Rudolph.

Then again, this costumes are made for both men and women. And neither of them are sexy at any means.

40. At SantaCon, save Santa the trip and be naughty.

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Of course, SantaCon is the kind of event where the Christmas clad characters do all sorts of naughty things. And sometimes they dress naughty, too.

41. Now I see that this elf is a bit on the naughty side.

I don’t know about you. But from the look at this, it’s a bit too naughty for my taste. Also, I’m sure she’s bound to freeze her ass off when it’s under 32 degrees outside.

42. Never thought they’d have a sexy reindeer around at SantaCon.

Of course, I’m not sure if the antlers and red nose make this costume a bit freaky. But then again, to each his own.

43. Of course, it can be hard to participate in a pub crawl if you’re inside a snow globe.

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On a positive note, at least their friends will have a designated drive. Yet, I’m sure their costumes will make that job rather difficult.

44. At SantaCon, anyone is bound to shimmer in this Santa dress.

Now this one kind of reminds me of the get up some pop stars wear on their Christmas album covers. Mariah Carey comes to mind.

45. Of course, when Santa can’t deliver his presents, the Caped Crusader takes over.

Of course, he’s not smiling because Batman really doesn’t have a merry Christmas most of the time. Yes, I know the guy needs some psychiatric counseling. Still, he looks like a badass.

46. Hey, look, it’s the Grinch with little Cindy Lou Who.

And they even have their dog dressed as Max in full reindeer attire. Oh, and they even have a sack for good measure.

47. Now this guy is all dressed and ready in his own snowman suit.

Now that guy looks quite flashy. Maybe the suit is fuzzy white and he’s wearing a scarf and hat.

48. Now this elf seems a bit on the skimpy side to me.

She reminds me of a skimpy elf you’d see at Santaland in the mall. Or some North Pole gentleman’s club.

49. Seems like this snowman really wants to be the center of attention.

Yeah, that snowman is practically taking over the whole photo. And some of the Santas are really not happy about it.

50. Now this is the kind of Christmas tree costume you can fold up and store in your attic.

Yeah, that one looks like it was made from hoops and stretchy green material. wonder what those yellow and red things are on it.

51. Seems like this Santa pimp is all about the ho, ho, hos and the benjamins.

Yes, this is my 3rd Santa pimp on this post. Yes, you see a lot of them. No, I don’t know why it’s a popular idea for SantaCon.

52. Of course, these 4 candy canes all come in a set.

Wonder what it’s like to be wearing a giant crook on your head. Might make you look like an idiot in some situations. But not on Christmas.

53. For SantaCon, a dress like this will certainly make you a winter darling.

Now this doesn’t look like it’s suited for cold weather. Better to wear it with pants outside.

54. When it comes to reindeer, you can’t ignore the one with the golden antlers.

Now this is a cute reindeer costume. Love the fuzzy cuffs and gold antlers. Nice makeup job, too.

55. Of course, Christmas wouldn’t be the same without a cute elf on the shelf.

Now normally I think elf on the shelf is a creepy phenomenon that I tend to make fun of mercilessly. But this costume is quite cute if I say so myself.

56. Now I call these ladies, “the Snowflake Girls.”

Not sure if their legs can withstand freezing temperatures. Still, I like their snowflake headbands. Very clever.

57. A snowman costume is never complete without a white tutu.

Well, at least they can keep their head and necks warm with a scarf and hat. But they could really use a coat.

58. This Christmas tree comes complete with all the trimmings.

Of course, you wouldn’t want to eat any of the candy canes. They came with her costume. Still, she must’ve spent a lot of time on this.

59. A toy soldier is never a badass unless he has his rifle.

The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Monthly Archives: December 2015