We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Fourth Edition)

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Another familiar Christmas tradition that has endured is the Christmas card which people still send to each other during the holiday season. Though not to the same degree they once did like in the Victorian Era which saw the earliest ones. Actually the Victorian Era was a time when Christmas really became a big deal in much of the western world. Now some of these cards might evoke the kind of Christmas ideals you might imagine in a Dickens novel. But some of these seem to defy all explanation. Others will totally creep you out. Whereas many will embody both characteristics. Then there are some from the early 1900s that don’t do much better. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage Christmas cards your great grandparents didn’t want you to see.

  1. These cat musicians bring you tidings of good cheer.

Though to be honest, would you really want to listen to cats sing? Didn’t think so.

2. Christmas is the time of year to call your wife a prize package.

Though calling one’s wife a “prize package” seems kind of sexist. Well, as far as this card is concerned.

3. Santa wishes you a Merry Christmas by jet.

Okay, this is from a Soviet card. But still, this makes Santa look rather Godzilla sized. Guess reindeer magic can only go so far.

4. “Hurrah for Jolly Christmas, with all sorts of toys!”

However, I wouldn’t say the same for the goose. Since it’s being chased by a bunch of kids. One of whom wields a knife.

5. While ice skating, you’ll find Santa under the mistletoe.

Look, I know what mistletoe means in these vintage things. The answer is “No.”

6. “Care to sit on my lap, sweetie?”

I don’t like where Santa has his finger on this kid. Dear Lord, someone please call the police!

7. Compliments of the season from a monkey painting a dog’s portrait.

Well, at least the dog stands like a statue. However, I don’t see monkeys as having much artistic talent. But you never know.

8. Santa salutes those in space.

Another Soviet Christmas card. Nevertheless, note how the cosmonaut’s riding the rocket.

9. Merry Christmas from the cats on the bed.

And it seems like the dark cat wants to get frisky. But the white cat has other ideas. Also, are undressing?

10. May cycling owls bestow on you warm Christmas greetings.

Why do owls need to be on bikes to deliver stuff? Couldn’t they just fly? The ones on Harry Potter do just that.

11. Best wishes for Christmas from the beach.

Why the hell would you include sea creatures on Christmas cards? Doesn’t really make sense.

12. “A merry Christmas day!/Happy, bright, and gay!/Fortune guard you aye,/Like a brave dog Tray!”

Seems like this dog doesn’t seem too happy. More like disgusted over not getting the best table scraps.

13. Season’s greetings from a dog who likes to stay informed.

Apparently, he’s checking on the racing stats. He reportedly has money on the Fresno Stud.

14. For the best presents, always hang a large stocking at your bed for Santa.

Note that she’s holding a whip just in case Santa doesn’t give her what she wants. Like a doll mansion.

15. “May your Xmas be as bright as purest gold.”

But somehow, you have kangaroos mining and panning for it in Australia. And I’m sure they’re getting paid pennies a day for their troubles.

16. Speaking of kangaroos, some of them possess significant artistic talent.

Also, get a load on those hopping slippers. Still, these two gentlemen animals enjoy their smoking breaks.

17. Apparently, they don’t seem to make Christmas movies like they used to.

And you thought movies inspired trauma and nightmares now. Here we have a guy with a knife chasing a goose. Evidently it’s fun for the whole family.

18. Nothing says, “Merry Christmas, sweetheart,” like a dead messenger moth.

Okay, the inscription is quite unsettling since it involves a moth being a go-between and dying of exhaustion. How is that supposed to be merry, I have no idea.

19. “Every good wish for your Christmas” from frogs in boots with umbrellas.

Sure those frogs seem like they’re about to enter a line of fire. But the umbrellas kill the badass pose from there.

20. Flower children wish you a happy Christmas.

By “flower children” we mean flowers with kids’ heads on them. You know what nightmares are made of.

21. “Wishing you a merry Christmas” from two insect musicians.

Something tells me that the bee and the grasshopper will never be seen again after this. Because the bird will most definitely eat them.

22. Even Satan himself sends his regards on Christmas.

This card basically says, “I’m too broke to give you a present so I’ll send this instead.” Let’s hope this isn’t addressed to a close family member or significant other.

23. “A right merry Christmas for you” from a couple of circus clowns.

Guess this is a scene from the Victorian Era rendition of It. And I guess this is a 19th century Pennywise who’s even scarier.

24. You should always wish everyone a “Merry Christmas” even when being chased by island natives.

Boy, this evokes racist and colonialist stereotypes on all kinds of levels. I’m sure the natives are suggested to be cannibals on here.

25. “With love and good wishes for a happy Christmas,” from a bunch of drenched toys.

Seems like a rather politically incorrect version of Toy Story. And yes, there’s the blackface Golliwog who’s basically a racist caricature.

26. Santa makes a toast for Christmas.

Go home, Santa Claus. You seem like you’ve drunk too much wine. No wonder so many kids get the wrong present.

27. A black cat always looks forward to Christmas pudding.

Comment from Bored Panda reads: “Plot twist: the “beloved” family cat, namely ‘Mr. Bartholemeow Giggly-Bumpkins’, ate the original pudding as the oblivious humans enjoyed their hearty Christmas dinner, and in its place he put a pile of his pudding-excrement-filled cat litter, in order to finally take revenge on the humans for giving him such an atrocious name!”

28. Christmas greetings from the one who can’t get out of their shell.

This seems more appropriate for Easter than Christmas. Wonder if this is the unfortunate lovechild of Humpty Dumpty and Mother Goose.

29. “A jolly Christmas” to those who aren’t having the best of it.

So a kid falls into a frozen lake and is probably suffering from hypothermia. And this is jolly? Also why aren’t the other two kids helping him?

30. “While Christmas is here, be all of good cheer.”

Though I’m not sure how kids can smile while hauling large logs in the snow for the fire. But in Victorian times, child labor was rampant. Poor kids.

31. “Christmas greetings for the sake of Auld Lang Syne.”

For nothing inspires “Peace on Earth” like a Scottish soldier in a kilt uniform wielding a gun attached with a bayonet. Gives you an idea when it was made.

32. Even Santa likes to deck the halls with bows of holly.

Okay, that’s guaranteed to haunt your dreams. Doesn’t help that he’s making a list and checking it twice.

33. Apparently, babies aren’t spared from the Krampus’s wrath.

Those poor little tots. Seems like the Krampus is going to put them to the pitchfork. That’ll sure induce lifelong trauma.

34. Better be good for goodness sake, kids, or else the Krampus will kidnap and torture you.

Yes, kids, if you act like a brat, the Krampus will subject you to this. And no, your screams won’t save you.

35. Nobody is safe when the Krampus visits.

This seems straight from a horror movie. And yes, he’s already got at least one kid. So hide if you can.

36. Merry Christmas from Frosty the Snowman.

Why is Frosty warming himself by the fire? You what that will do to him. I mean fire practically melts him. Seriously, this doesn’t make sense.

37. Apparently, Santa has ditched the sleigh for rocket travel.

And he seems to bring helpers, too. But they seem to resemble garden gnomes.

38. Christmas time is always time for carols.

Though I’d almost think she’s singing to Cats. “Memory, all alone in the moon light…”

39. Rabbits and owls always enjoy playing games on Christmas.

Though if you know anything about nature, you know this won’t end well. Mostly because owls see rabbits as prey.

40. Children always wish good cheer to all on Christmas.

Though the kid is dressed like the Grim Reaper. And it seems more likely to inspire nightmares than good cheer.

41. Pine cone Santa wishes you a merry Christmas.

Yet, he’s putting a nut in his sack. No doubt this was made under the influence of drugs.

42. Nothing says Christmas like clowns terrorizing you at the barbershop.

And you wonder why people are afraid of clowns. These two are just cutting his hair and applying paste to his chin. Innocent fun? Certainly not. This is terrifying.

43. This year, the rats celebrate Christmas feasting on a dead cat.

Think about a Tom and Jerry cartoon straight from a horror movie. Apparently to these guys, Christmas is about taking revenge on one’s enemies.

44. “Merry Christmas to you” from the kid building his fort.”

Sure the cat may look on now. But once the guy’s away, it’ll topple the boy’s creation.

45. Naked man likes to wish you a merry Christmas.

Still, he should at least put something on. After all, we all know most dress codes usually operate on a “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy.

46. Christmas parties are always a fun time.

“Not now, Herman, people will see us. Let’s just wait until they’re dancing and then we’ll do it.”

47. Now your little one can have their own Krampus plush toy.

Because some children want to bask into the dark side of Christmas. Still, this is just messed up.

48. Sometimes on Christmas you may have little Asian people serve you while you’re sleeping.

Talk about depicting racist attitudes under the influence of drugs. Not sure how this card came to exist. Also, what’s with the onion?

49. Santa Claus wishes you a Merry Christmas.

Bet these kids are like, “Please don’t come near us! You’re scaring us!” Talk about a hostage situation.

50. Children are always excited for Christmas coming.

Though seeing them wearing signs with emotionless faces gives me the creeps. Santa better give them presents or there will be hell to pay.

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It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Fourth Edition)

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After Thanksgiving, it’s not unusual to hear Christmas music played in stores as well as on several radio stations. And if you work in the service industry, you’re probably sick of hearing Christmas songs already, especially if they make your ears bleed. Of course, you may also see an array of Christmas albums by some of your favorite recording artists who worked on them during the summer. In some ways, recording a Christmas album might seem like a good idea. After all, some artists have recorded songs that have become holiday classics. Yet, other times a Christmas album might come across as a way to make money and will probably end up in the discount rack at a store near you. Nevertheless, as with any albums, Christmas albums come in a wide variety of covers. Some of them could seem tame like the Johnny Mathis cover above. But others come in covers that are hysterically tacky or in very poor taste. And in that case, you might wonder why anyone though such a design was a good idea. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas album covers.

  1. Gisele MacKenzie: Christmas with Gisele

Apparently, the dogs seem to have others ideas. Also, is she hugging a fur coat?

There’s nothing better than spending Christmas with your dogs.

2. RuPaul: Ho Ho Ho

I’m sure this yuletide drag routine is fine for RuPaul’s Drag Race. But for a Christmas album? Not so much. Also, the title doesn’t help matters either.

Evidently, RuPaul has tried to make forays into the Christmas music scene.

3. Yoko Ono: An Xmas Message from Yoko 1991

This doesn’t seem to be very Christmasy. Nothing here seems to inspire good cheer at all. Just a vast blackness.

Yoko would like to say something for the holiday season.

4. Bette Midler: Cool Yule

Bette Midler looks as if she’s about select tributes on Reaping Day. Not celebrate Christmas.

Didn’t know that Bette Midler was a fan of the Hunger Games.

5. God Jul Onskar

Though Towa couldn’t seem to eke a smile since a fly had been buzzing around her. This was the best she could do.

The whole gang would like to wish you holiday greetings.

6. Liberace: Christmas at Liberace’s

Then again, Santa was probably expecting a gaudy palace. And he was disappointed that he came to surprisingly normal furnishings.

Somehow Santa Claus wasn’t impressed by Liberace’s Christmas decorations.

7. John Travolta and Olivia Newton John: This Christmas

Guess the chemistry they had in Grease has evaporated. Also, is that John’s real hair?

I guess this is the Grease reunion none of us wanted.

8. Jingle Cats: Here Comes Santa Claws

Can’t believe you’d find another cat singing album. Still, the cat on the guitar is hilarious.

For those wanting to listen to cats screeching to holiday favorites, this is for you.

9. The Clancy Brothers: Christmas

Don’t seem to have any Christmas decorations here. But you have a couple glaring Irish stereotypes.

There’s nothing better than spending Christmas in an Irish pub.

10. Mojo Nixon and the Toadliquors: Horny Holidays

Yeah, that guy seems more suited for a sex offender list than a Christmas album cover. And no, the Santa hat and beard doesn’t help.

Merry Christmas, from your local neighborhood sexual deviant.

11. Bob Ward: Merry Christmas, Especially for You

No, I don’t think the girls like Bob from accounting because he plays the organ. Rather it’s because he spends his lunch breaks creeping in the ladies room.

Because nothing makes the holidays like a creepy bald guy playing Christmas music on his organ.

12. A Brass Band Christmas

I’m sure the music is good. But depicting instruments as cartoon characters is more appropriate for a kids’ album.

We all know how brass guys stick together during the holidays.

13. Afroman: Jobe Bells

Though I do think seeing the reindeer with a cigarette is quite amusing. Then again, maybe that explains the look on Santa’s face.

Apparently, this Santa’s breaking all the rules.

14. Bob Kames: Organ and Chimes

From Music Radar: “As far as we know, this is the only one that looks like a carefully posed backwoods murder scene.” Caption reads: “Bob Kames, now in the Black Lodge forever.”

For Christmas would never be without a small decorated tree in the woods.

15.   Anne Sofie von Otter: Home for Christmas

From Classic FM: “OK, so there’s a massive ghost version of ASVO, a creepy beach scene and a child on some sort of weird camping chair being pushed by an unknown adult. If that’s Christmas in the Otter household, we dread to think what happens at New Year.”

Christmas is always about spending time with family.

16. Bad Religion: Christmas Songs

Though why a boy would be exhilarated to receive a new pair of loafers is beyond me. Seriously, that’s a face of a boy who gets an Xbox.

After all, Christmas is about the joy of giving.

17. Canadian Brass: Christmas Time Is Here

From Classic FM: “We can’t fault the repertoire on this album, but the horrifying cover art is all over the place. And you’d think they’d get cold, gaily larking about on that incredibly realistic ice rink.”

Apparently, their rendition of A Charlie Brown Christmas wasn’t a rousing success.

18. Cheeky Girls: Have a Cheeky Christmas

From Official Charts: “It’s never inappropriate for two grown women to straddle a man dressed as Santa, is it?” Either way, Santa doesn’t seem to mind.

Apparently, Santa thinks these two have been very good this year.

19. Kiri Te Kanawa: Christmas with Kiri Te Kanawa

From Classic FM: “Dame Kiri is so excited about Christmas this year that she’s decided to wear nothing but Christmas decorations.” Kind of makes sense.

On Christmas it helps if a diva always shimmers.

20. Christmas with the Choral Scholars of King’s College, Cambridge 

From Classic FM: “What do you mean we forgot to do the album artwork? Oh never mind, just knock something together with MS Paint, no-one will know. Clip-art’s really popular now anyway.”

Enjoy the season with the sound from the Cambridge University choir.

21. Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton: Once Upon a Christmas

From Music Radar: “This country coming-together is a spin-off from another Christmas special, CBS’ Kenny & Dolly: A Christmas To Remember from 1984. It’s also the exact moment at which Dolly Parton stopped aging – that mounted reindeer shows more wear from the last quarter century than the miniature dynamo.”

For nothing makes a country Christmas during the 1980s like a collaboration album with Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton.

22. Dapper Laughs: Proper Naughty Xmas

From Official Charts: “We don’t really have much to say about this absolute monstrosity but you can’t keep using ‘it’s cold’ as an excuse, Dapper…”

Please tell me that guy’s at least wearing underwear.

23. Donny Osmond: Christmas at Home

Donny Osmond here seems like he’d rather spend the holidays outside in the freezing cold than spend time with his family. And we thought the Osmonds were a happy bunch.

There’s no place like home for the holidays, unless perhaps you’re Donny Osmond.

24. Evie: Come on, Ring Those Bells

That way, if you don’t want to snuggle with her, she’ll hack you to pieces and feed you to the fire. Now isn’t that nice?

Evie always enjoys spending Christmas by warm fire.

25. Explosivo Tropical Bristol

And you can definitely see he tan lines as the tinsel and ornaments cover her naughty bits. Still, I’m sure this is part of a marketing ploy.

Season’s greetings from some hotel room in Mexico for some reason.

26. Fast Food Rockers: I Love Christmas

What do you mean this was from 2003? And it reached 25 on the charts? They also have a music video on YouTube which appears straight out of an acid trip. And yes, it’s as bad as you think.

For we all know how winter’s the perfect time for 1980s cartoon cosplay.

27. Hanson: Snowed In

Seems like these guys got caught up in the Christmas lights. Thankfully, they didn’t suffer any injuries. But none seem happy about it.

Who knew that these Hanson brothers sucked at Christmas decorating?

28. Hollywood Bowl Symphony Orchestra: Great Orchestral Music of Christmas

Apparently, while Santa bestows presents to all the girls and boys, he also tends to kidnap a few of them. Yes, definitely an album cover to induce trauma and nightmares.

There’s always a certain nostalgia with meeting Santa at the mall while on a bad LSD trip.

29. Ice-T: Christmas with Ice-T

Even Santa thinks this is ridiculous. Yeah, Ice-T, I think you’re an embarrassment by this point.

Uh, Ice-T, I think you’re way too old to sit on Santa’s lap.

30. Woody Phillips: A Toolbox Christmas

From Music Radar: “The cover to this gourd music monster looks like a soft-focus snuff movie before the messy part begins. The noise is even worse: it sounds a bit like real music, in the same way a tongueless dog howling at the moon sounds like a trained choirist. See?”

After all, why tinker in the garage without hearing the sounds of the holidays?

31. Jimi Hendrix: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Still, he doesn’t seem to wear the Santa suit well. Then again, this seems like a contractual obligation.

Hendrix had a Christmas album? Wonder what that sounds like.

32. Sing Along with Marcy: Christmas with Marcy

Though she could just as easily throw her cat on her lap into the fire. Don’t think this album’s full of good cheer at all.

Christmas is a time of year when you snuggle with your loved ones by the fire.

33. Motorhead: Ace of Spades Christmas Edition

One of these Santas is giving the finger. And no, you don’t want to know what’s under their robes. Also, is that cage in the background?

This year, Santa’s on the naughty list.

34. Mr. Hankey: Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics

Though to be fair, there are a lot of shitty Christmas albums out there. It’s just this one’s sung by a someone who knows he’s crap.

Nothing says Christmas like music coming from a literal turd.

35. New Kids on the Block: Merry, Merry Christmas

Though one of these guys looks as if he’s getting strangled by his scarf. Way to go, guys.

New Kids on the Block always enjoy sledding during the holidays.

36. A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records

This is said to be 142 on Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Albums of all time. However, since it was produced by Phil Spector, the imagery seems rather unsettling in hindsight. Because we all know that Spector would later go to prison for murder.

Each of their groups comes literally gift wrapped.

37. Joe Gibbs Family of Artists: Reggae Christmas

Yet, instead of decorating a Christmas tree, Jamaicans use a pot plant, which kind of works. Okay, maybe not. Still, is it any wonder why we associate reggae music with marijuana?

Apparently, Christmas is a very high time in Jamaica.

38. Scott Weiland: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It seems like this guy’s in a dark alley to get some bootleg albums for his family. Doesn’t seem to have a smile emanating good cheer.

Though Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, his expression says otherwise.

39. Ringo Starr: I Wanna Be Santa Claus

From Music Radar: “Keeping up the collaborative theme, the album art was apparently designed through a colouring competition in McDonalds.” Also, this is from 1999?

Sorry, Ringo, but you seem to look more like the Grinch.

40. Tavin Pumarejo with his Tuna Fish: Trullando en Navidad

I’m not sure waht that has to do with Christmas. But I won’t be surprise if he’s tripping balls by now.

There’s nothing like Christmas like spending time with your dear uh, tuna fish.

41. Horacio Samalot: La Trifuca

To be fair, I’m sure this album was made somewhere in Latin America. But still, Santa and the 3 Wise Men? That can’t be right.

Santa always enjoys to play outside with the Three Wise Men for some reason.

42. Charlie the Hamster with Floyd Robinson: Charlie the Hamster Sing Christmas Songs with Floyd Robinson

There they are in the back of Santa’s sleigh. And it seems that Santa just took notice.

Great we have a Christmas album sung by a hamster.

43. Jul med Yngve Stoor

However, he appears to be sporting a sunburn while he’s playing a guitar. Also, no one wants to see him in a swimsuit.

Santa always enjoys riding the waves in the Pacific.

44. The Most Fabulous Classical Christmas Album Ever

From Classic FM: “We know, we know, it’s not right to play the ‘highbrow’ card when it comes to classical music. But really. Poodles? A sun with a face on it? A sequined sack with a cello coming out of it? Many, many composers are turning in their graves.”

For nothing makes a classical Christmas like a woman in a short dress and poodles on the roof.

45. Howdy Doody’s Christmas Party

Howdy Doody was a popular kid’s show in the 1950s. Though I totally understand if you think it was a horror show with killer clowns and dolls that would haunt your dreams.

Enjoy Christmas with Howdy Doody and his friends, kids.

46. The Yobs: Christmas Album

I’m sure this is kind of intentional. Still, it’s guaranteed to at least offend someone, which is kind of the point.

Seems like these guys are doing everything to get on the naughty list.

47. Christmas Dubstep

Looking at this, you’d think the North Pole was run the same way as the Playboy Mansion. Also, I don’t think yuletide lingerie can keep you from freezing to death in sub zero temperature. But Santa likes what he sees.

Kind of traumatizing to see Santa’s workshop as a sex dungeon.

48. Vienna Boys Choir: Christmas in Vienna

From Classic FM: “You know, this one wouldn’t be so bad if they actually looked like they were enjoying themselves. Even the dog looks clinically fed-up.”

Though the Vienna Boys themselves don’t seem quite merry this time.

49. Kim Se-Hwan: Merry Christmas

From Music Radar: “Normally, skiing without a helmet is considered dangerous, but Kim’s side parting is resin-coated and is strong enough to withstand bullets even when fired from close range.”

You can’t have Christmas in South Korea without some tinsel.

50. Rotary Connection: Peace

Okay, those heads are photoshopped to dolls. Guaranteed to inspire some yuletide nightmares during the season. Yeah, that really creeps me out.

Let’s hope those people on Santa’s lap are elves.

Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Vintage Christmas Advertising of Yesterday (Fourth Edition)

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Now that Thanksgiving is over, it’s onto the Christmas season. And since it starts on Black Friday, I begin my holiday blog roll with my 4th annual Christmas ad post. Of course, I featured one depicting Santa Claus advertising Coca Cola. Yes, I know he’s not setting a good example since he’s promoting a soft drink that’s responsible for obesity and diabetes. But his association with Coca Cola is so well known that it’s iconic. Though as we’ve all seen, Coca Cola hasn’t been the only company to use Santa Claus to sell their product. In fact, far from it. Nor has Coca Cola been the first company to do so. Nevertheless, you’ll find plenty of ads plastered all over the place for Black Friday sales despite that you’re better off shopping for Christmas gifts in December. So if you have anything better to do, perhaps you might want to look into another installment of these vintage ads. Of course, you might think they’re filled with rosy imagery meant to tingle at your nostalgia. But I usually go for the ones that haven’t aged so well and contain disturbing implications. Whether it’s accidental innuendos, creepy kids, bad health advice, and what not. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasure trove of crazy vintage Christmas ads.

  1. Want your Christmas happiness to last year round? Get a View Master.

And somehow Santa looks like he’s creepily enjoying your vacation photos. Face seems to suggest, “Guess little Johnny’s getting clothes for Christmas this year.”

2. Camel and Prince Albert always say “Merry Christmas with every puff.”

Because there’s nothing endearing on Christmas like the gift of lung cancer. Nevertheless, Santa sets a horrible example for children.

3. Always be choosey on Christmas with a new phone.

Though if you give someone a regular phone nowadays, they’d be like “You got to be kidding me.” Because most of us use cell phone now.

4. Nothing beats Christmas like a new Smith Corona typewriter.

And yes, girls go really crazy about this typewriter. Though seeing the girl’s face in the front might freak you out.

5. Reynolds aluminum wrapping paper is pure Christmas magic.

The wife’s all over how the gifts shine and sparkle under the Christmas tree. And the husband’s like, “Looks like I’m getting laid tonight.”

6. This year, make your Christmas an Avon Christmas.

Yet, the girl doesn’t really seem very enthusiastic about the make up display. In some way, she kind of illustrates how many women feel when receiving stuff like this.

7. With a Singer, you give a woman the gift of sewing.

Well, a gift in which she can sew your pants with. Still, not a fan of promoting female domesticity which seems to seep in these ads.

8. “Jackie Gleason Originals made by Manhattan make dan-dan-dandy gifts.”

Now I see why Jackie Gleason didn’t appear on his own Christmas album. Still, that fancy shirt is utterly tacky.

9. Play safe with Thermo anti-freeze.

Though why use a snowman to advertise a product to keep cars from freezing is beyond me. I mean we all know what anti-freeze is.

10. Spring Maid fabrics are always durable on ice.

But it seems like Amy should’ve worn snow pants since she suffered a major wardrobe malfunction while skating. Though the two guys on the bench certainly didn’t mind.

11. Nothing makes a boy happy on Christmas like his own Texaco truck.

However, leave him alone and he will use it to make you fall on your head. So you might want to avoid him like the plague.

12. L&M give a lot for your man on Christmas.

Yet, he likes his smokes as he plays with his toy trains. Meanwhile his wife smiles upon him just before she has to scramble into the kitchen to make a dish for Christmas dinner at his parents. But don’t worry, tobacco kills 1/3 of its users anyway.

13. Buy boxes of Spearmint for Santa to take round.

Though there’s something unsettling about this cartoon Santa. The mustache seems unusually shifty.

14. Need gift ideas for the holidays? How about a pair of inter-woven socks?

Didn’t think Santa could appear frightening in the moonlight. Also, not a lot of people want socks for Christmas.

15. Kuppenheimer always has good clothes for you and your family for Christmas.

Yet, I’m not sure who’s scarier in this one: Santa or the guy with the gifts who looks like the neighborhood psychokiller. Then again, Santa might want to watch his back.

16. Your son would adore his own Filmo camera on Christmas.

“Gee, now I can make my own pornos like Daddy. Man, you guys are the best.”

17. For this holiday season, Coca Cola is a taste that refreshes.

Though I’d rather stay clear of his North Pole workshop. Cause those elves certainly induce nightmares.

18. This Christmas, give him a hat.

Unfortunately, in later years fedoras went from distinguished menswear to undignified hipster attire. Kind of sad if you think about it.

19. “Playing Santa this year? Let your fingers do the walking.”

Now that has to be one of the most terrifying hand puppets I’ve ever seen. Then again, it was probably Thing’s turn to play Santa this year for the Addams’ family.

20. Please your woman this year by giving her a Sheaffer Stylist set.

A pen set? Seriously, that’s what you get a co-worker for Secret Santa. I mean it’s a gift that says, “I didn’t know what to give you for Christmas this year. And I’m too much of an idiot to ask.”

21. Kewpie dolls always make the perfect Christmas gift.

For the love, keep that thing away. I mean it looks like a deranged Casper in a Santa hat. And it doesn’t look friendly.

22. Coca Cola is a gift of good taste.

To be fair, the last house Santa visited had a bottle of Jack Daniels out for him. So don’t be surprise if he crashes into a skyscraper once he reaches Chicago.

23. Four Roses brings a thought for “tomorrow” that’s 2 months away.

Though October is way too early to decorate your Christmas tree. Then again, it’s an outdoor tree but still. Nevertheless, having Christmas ads before Halloween is ridiculous enough.

24. “It wouldn’t be Christmas without Whitman’s.”

Because if you’re both under the mistletoe, a box of chocolates is all you need for the bedroom. I mean we all know what mistletoe means in Christmas ads.

25. “Make your Christmas gift a Tomahawk.”

For there’s nothing like a great Christmas gift like a bladed axe. Other great gift ideas for lumberjacks include, butter scones, flower presses, high heels, suspenders, and a bra.

26. “It’ll be a merrier Christmas with the new Wonder Holiday Tree.”

I guess this is supposed to be a Charlie Brown tree with bells on it. Kind of looks sad if you ask me.

27. Please your loved one this Christmas with decorated Pyrex ware.

Though these casserole dishes seem appropriate for winter. If you want to give a decorated casserole, buy one with motifs good for all year round.

28. Even Santa wants you to buy bonds.

Because if you don’t, then you will not like what Santa will give you for Christmas this year. So buy war bonds as a patriotic duty. Also, why only 2 reindeer?

29. Put your child in the driver’s seat with this Hertz toy car.

Yet, once little Bobby’s in there, he’s sure to run over the cat with it with relish. So you might want to keep an eye on this budding psycho.

30. Santa always gives American toys for American girls and boys.

Don’t look now. But I’m not sure if I like how star-spangled Santa is holding these kids on his lap. Seems fairly sketchy for me.

31. Arthur Godfrey gives his Christmas best with Chesterfields.

Arthur Godfrey was a popular radio and TV personality during the 1950s who was known for his folksy warmth but was volatile and controlling behind the scenes. An on-air incident would later lead to his career decline. Ironically he’d later become an anti-smoking advocate.

32. For Christmas 1972, give yourselves a set of mannequins in your likenesses.

On second thought, don’t. Because that’s just creepy. Seriously, who’d want to have mannequins of themselves?

33. Give her the gift of beauty with Holeproof fine stockings.

And they just had to show her in a transparent robe, lingerie, stockings, and high heels. Definitely not something I’d wear on Christmas morning.

34. Give your son a Red Ryder Saddle Carbine this Christmas.

As you probably know, you’ll shoot your eye out with this BB gun. What? I saw A Christmas Story.

35.  Entertain for hours during the holidays with a Revere projector and camera.

“And this when I chopped up Norman in the woodchipper. Because he was such a pain in the ass who had it coming. Soon as his dog crapped in my yard, I shot that son of a bitch dead.”

36. Keep your clothes clean during the holiday season with Breck detergent.

Still, that doll is guaranteed to kill Brooke Shields in her sleep. How she survived this shoot, I’ll never know.

37. “Can’t beat a Tupperware party for Christmas shopping.”

Though why have Santa in street clothes is beyond me. Also, Tupperware doesn’t exactly make a great gift.

38. When Santa takes a break, he always smokes Murad.

Because let’s just say giving gifts for all those kiddies really gets a lot out of you. Still, Santa isn’t really setting a good example here. More an example for kids to get lung cancer.

39. Frosty the Snowman wants you to give a real conversation for Christmas.

Other than the outdated rotary phones, Frosty seems absolutely terrifying. So you might want to buy one from him or else he’ll make sure you freeze to death.

40. White Owl Cigarettes are the quickest way to a man’s heart.

I don’t know about that. But I know it’s a quick way for a man to get cancer. Still, I don’t think Mrs. Claus will like seeing her husband sharing a smoke with a sexy blonde.

41. No Christmas baked goods should go without Carnation milk.

But poor Susie is such a procrastinator that she had to pull an all nighter to make her brownies. Let’s just say you don’t want to bother her at the office Christmas party.

42. Women always dig men who smoke their pipes with Prince Albert.

So, fellas, I hope all the lifelong heart and respiratory problems is worth it. Because we all know tobacco use doesn’t make you a hit with the ladies once the lung cancer sets in.

43. With Armour Star, you can make delectable appetizers.

On second thought, this looks really disgusting. So thanks but no thanks.

44. This Christmas, you can give her some Pyrex wares for $4.90.

Well, Pyrex does make great glass kitchen ware. But as a gift for her, not so much. Besides, Santa, what about the men who’d want Pyrex stuff?

45. Not sure what she wants for Christmas? Give her some Community spoons.

No, I don’t think women fantasize about spoons for Christmas. In fact, we ladies really don’t think much about them.

46. Ladies, use this little model to let your husband know you want this large store vac for Christmas.

Then again, at least he’ll get a hit. Still, what gets me is, why the hell would anyone want a vacuum for Christmas?

47. Give your wife a Eureka vacuum for Christmas. She’ll certainly love it.

But give me one of these, I will most likely scream. Seriously, I hate these things.

48. Joan Crawford always gives her friends a carton of Lucky Strikes.

And you thought she was terrible to her kids. Now you her giving the gift of lung cancer. Too bad many of her Hollywood friends died from tobacco related ailments.

49. Give your little girl this Cheerful Tearful doll for Christmas this year.

Though this doll is more of a Fearful Tearful doll than anything else. Mostly because she scares the living shit out of me.

50. Without Murad cigarettes what would Christmas be?

I don’t know, healthier? Because cigarettes inflict lifelong health problems and early death.

51. Nothing makes a family Christmas like a new Plymouth.

Yet, that boy seems like he’s utterly insane. Hope he doesn’t try to torture the family dog.

52. Coca Cola is always a refreshing surprise for Santa.

So little Sally just had to walk in when Santa was raiding the fridge. Hope St. Nick gives her what she wants or she’ll call the police for breaking and entering.

53. This Christmas, Santa Claus gives out Old Gold from his sleigh.

Santa, how dare you toss out cartons of cigarettes to all the girls and boys. Have you no shame? Aren’t you worried about the kiddies getting lung cancer?

54. For last minute gifts, you can always go with Four Roses.

For nothing makes the holidays merry like stocking up with booze. Available at your neighborhood liquor store.

55. Listen to your favorite Christmas music with a Telecron Timers clock radio.

Go ahead, listen to these disembodied heads with Santa hats this holiday season. Though if you work in retail, you might as well smash this clock radio with a sledge hammer.

56. Everyone’s eager for Seager’s at the office Christmas party.

Wait a minute? This is a family Christmas party. Well, in that case, the adults will be getting totally wasted. Too bad Aunt Bertha can’t join the fun since she’s the designated driver.

57. Fuel your holiday ride with Ethyl.

This is the oil company that had gasoline that contained tetralead as an “antiknock fluid.” Naturally, that additive resulted in widespread lead pollution along with life-threatening health problems.

58. Czechoslovakia celebrates Christmas with Walker’s Gin.

Sorry, but 1940s Czechoslovakia wasn’t a happy place thanks to WWII and the Iron Curtain Communist takeover. Then again, they’re probably really drunk right now.

59. There’s no better Christmas gift than something from HC Jewelers.

Let’s hope whoever gave this woman this necklace isn’t the old guy. Or if it is, let’s hope he’s her dad.

60. Clear heads choose Calvert Happy Blends for the holidays.

Didn’t know Arctic woodland creatures boozed up during the holidays. Hope those polar bears aren’t drunk on the sleigh.

61. Electric tree lights are always clean, simple, and safe.

Though that kind of electric lighting doesn’t look very safe to me. Still, I guess it’s in the context of the times. Also, that girl looks kind of freaky.

62. Pepsi always refreshes this woman’s slender figure without filling.

Sorry, but she won’t retain her slender figure with a Pepsi. Because soft drinks are notorious for causing diabetes and obesity.

63. This Christmas, give a Browning rifle.

I understand the need to make money. But save the occasional Daisy BB gun, real guns don’t make good Christmas gifts for obvious reasons. They’re not toys. They kill people for God’s sake.

64. Carnation Milk wish you “Peace on Earth” this holiday season.

Because we all know that kids could make lots of noise, am I right? Oh, and here’s a recipe for pudding as the little brats drive you up a wall.

65. Looks like Santa had a shaving mishap at the barber’s shop.

Yeah, seeing Santa without his beard is quite disturbing. Doesn’t look right at all.

66. “Here, kids, enjoy your new puppy I gave you.”

Sorry, but Christmas puppies are never a good idea at all (unless you or your family really want one and chose the dog well in advance). And no, Santa shouldn’t even bring them one for obvious reasons.

67. Santa always enjoys a good smoke with Murad cigarettes.

Yes, kiddies, Santa smokes. Get used to it. And yes, he’s being a terrible role model and doesn’t car if he gets lung cancer.

68. This Christmas, Santa recommends Dewar’s White Label as a Christmas Jubilee Spirit.

Apparently, even Santa likes to stock up on booze for the holidays. Hope he’s not wasted while he’s on his sled. Maybe that explains why he gives some children terrible Christmas presents.

69. This Christmas, put a Ford Pinto under your tree.

Doesn’t the Pinto have a reputation for exploding. So maybe a Pinto under your tree isn’t a good idea.

70.  Santa loves to drink a Falstaff on his Christmas Eve rounds.

No wonder why Santa looks drunk sometimes. Somebody put him on a Twelve Step Program.

Vintage Food Ads in the Days of Yesteryear (Second Edition)

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Along with alcohol, food is also among the many promoted items during the holiday season. After all, in the United States, Thanksgiving and Christmas are often marked with large feasts among families as well as parties among friends. And you can see this among the incessant holiday advertising on TV which seem to come earlier and earlier with each year. Then again, you find food ads everywhere these days since well, people have to eat in order to live. Yes, the food may not always be good for you or appealing. But hey, what do you know? Nevertheless, you find plenty of vintage food ads on the internet. Some of them might be artistic masterpieces like this Chat Noir above (which is a bistro restaurant in France). Some not so much for various reasons. Some might seem suggestive. Some might feature recipes not fit for human consumption. Some might contain rather misleading information. And some might consist of artwork that somehow pass as creepy. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of vintage food advertising for your unique tastes.

  1. Kids who eat their veggies might want a Jolly Green Giant rag doll.

Not sure what’s freakier, the girl’s terrifying expression or the 4ft green doll. Let’s just say a kid can do without one of these.

2. Pesci Vivi sells delectable fish.

Though seeing a fish chef cooking fish is kind of unsettling. Look I know fish eat other fish, but still.

3. Children always delight in eating Fig Newtons.

“Thanks, Mom, that’s what I need after a long day at school and drowning puppies in the nearby lake. You’re the best.”

4. Big Otis wants kids to eat Kellogg’s OKs.

Sure he may be a big burly Scotsman. But I’m sure Kellogg’s pulled him as a cereal spokesman once kids asked what he wore under his kilt.

5. With Bisquick, you can make your family this elegant tuna ring.

Sorry, but this dish looks really disgusting. And no, I really don’t want to eat it.

6. Meet your own Frankie Doodle Dandy with Swift’s Premium Franks.

By the way, Frankie Doodle Dandy is what some men named Frank call their penis. Okay, I made that up. But I couldn’t pass that one up.

7. Always eat Possum Sweet Potatoes.

Hate to break it, but possums are disgusting creatures. Seeing a few run over by cars, you’d agree with me.

8. No kid could resist Brach’s toffee.

First of all, Brach’s candy is terrible. Second, I bet the girl’s taking some candy that she’ll spike with poison to give to her friends.

9. Husbands always love anything with Heinz Ketchup on it.

Because Heinz Ketchup makes anything appetizing. Even corned beef, poached eggs, and hash browns.

10. Turn vegetables into a treat with Cheez Whiz.

By the way, it’s probably not real cheese. And it will not do wonders to your veggies nutritional value either.

11. Fry’s Chocolate always tastes so good.

But regardless of expression, that kid terrifies me. And I don’t think chocolate will calm him either.

12. Make your breakfast kid friendly with Wheatabix.

Also fine for snacks and supper, too. Though I hope the girl is sprinkling a spoonful of sugar, instead of arsenic. Though looking at her face, I wouldn’t know. Boy’s kind of creepy, too.

13. Campbell’s beef soup makes a manly dish.

Hearty it may be, but it’s hardly good for your arteries due to a high sodium content. Because Campbell’s Mmmm…mmm…salt.

14. With Pillsbury’s flower, you can make yourself a wagon wheel pie.

Think of it as your mother’s chicken pot pie. But more disgusting and unhealthy.

15. Firestix always lasts 23 minutes and costs 10 cents.

Though she’s supposed to be a wholesome kid. But she always takes her Firestix before going on a killing spree.

16. Don’t want to cook dinner, ladies? Take the family to KFC.

Apparently, Colonel Sanders is incredibly sexist. Thus, he calls his coronary inducing cuisine, “wife-savers.”

17. With Carnation Evaporated Milk, you can make delectable dinners like this.

You have to wonder whether people actually eat stuff like this back in the day. Because that’s a dish that will make you lose your appetite.

18. Sure it may not be very nutritious, but Rastus wants you to try Cream of Wheat.

I can see the racism on this ad as clear as day, especially in the text. But at least you have to admire the guy’s honesty. People will buy anything that’s good to eat and cheap.

19. “Sugar can be the willpower you need to undereat.”

Uh, I wouldn’t say that. But I guarantee too much of it can give you Type 2 Diabetes. Seriously, you might not want to eat ice cream before lunch.

20. As an assistant vice president, it’s your job to make the pudding.

Apparently, Jello doesn’t think women can understand office hierarchies. Also, the sexism is very plain to see.

21. “You don’t have to be Jewish to love Levy’s.”

Sure it may not be incredibly racist. But it’s still pretty bad on certain levels.

22. Always go for the Big Patch vegetables.

However, it seems that this kid’s family only works the farm. And his parents are paid wages so low they can’t afford to buy him a new pair of pants.

23. Ladies, buying canned food shouldn’t be shameful.

Still, canned foods aren’t very good for you since they’re preserved in a salty brine. But even that doesn’t detract the sexism in this ad.

24. With these canned foods, you can always diet with delight.

Not sure about that. But the girl in the can is really freaking me out. She seems like the stuff of nightmares for some reason.

25. Sugar Crips is post marked for happy eating.

Okay, the acrobatic bears might be weird. But I really have a bad feeling about that creepy girl looking at them. They better put on a good show or she’ll make sure they’ll never see the light of day again.

26. Hires’ Rootbeer is so good even the dogs will love it.

But that baby doesn’t seem too happy about that. Of course, hope Sparky enjoys his drink because that baby may have murder on the mind.

27. With Armour Treet, you can make these Johnny cake shortcakes.

I can see the heart attacks these shortcakes can cause. Also, they seem rather unappetizing to me.

28. Nothing keeps you warm like Cadbury’s Cocoa.

But once he’s done, he’ll get right back to torturing the neighbor’s cat. Because that’s what psycho kids do for fun.

29. As Art Linkletter noted, the Jolly Green Giant is a big man with the ladies.

Because women love a large green man who promotes vegetables wearing shoes and a short leaf dress. But at least he doesn’t have rage issues like the Incredible Hulk.

30. It’s always red magic time with Heinz Ketchup.

Oh, no, not the scary tomato guy! Please, take him away before he kills anyone!

31. You can’t have old-fashioned gingerbread without Brer Rabbit Molasses.

I’m sure they got the name Brer Rabbit for molasses from the tar baby story. Want to what happened to Brer Rabbit when he put his hands on one?

32. This Indian brave brings you Dippy Canoes.

Because cultural appropriation knows no bounds. Said to taste like Indian corn. Seriously, this guy’s a culture, not an advertising prop for God’s sake.

33. “Remember your first Baby Ruth?”

She may look excited to eat the candy. But mainly because she took it from the neighbor boy she previously threw down a well.

34. You can’t be beat with St. Louis corned beef.

Yet, having the cows with can bodies and walking upright is just freaky. Seriously, who the hell thought this was a good idea?

35. “Okay, pardner…reach for the Karo!”

For one, this half-naked baby cowboy is just lame. But he’s just as terrifying enough to induce nightmares.

36. Handle your hungry man with a can of Campbell’s soup.

Because nothing says manly eating like eating a soup with a high salt content. Campbells, mmmm….salt.

37. “Good things happen…when the lady of the house has soup for lunch.”

For if she doesn’t have her chicken noodle, she will chase you all over the neighborhood wielding a large cleaver. Because with Campbell’s it’s mmm…salt.

38. Trix is always made for kids.

“Mommy, after I eat my Trix, can I borrow your handgun to hunt down that silly rabbit? He’s been lurking in our yard for ages.”

39. Children will enjoy Stokley’s sugar peas.

For sugar peas always go well with the neighbor’s liver and onions. And I don’t mean the animal kind either.

40. Kids always want Log Cabin maple syrup.

Just watch theses kids look at the syrup on their waffles. Though they’d much prefer their breakfast to have blood of the innocents. But cannibalism is illegal.

41. With G. Washington’s Instant Coffee, even a man can make the perfect cup in 5 seconds.

As if men didn’t know how to make a cup of coffee in the 1950s. I’m sure they did and this ad is very sexist.

42. Treat your man right with Batchelor’s foods.

Yet, calling the guy a “guest husband” just wracks my head. Would a better word be “boyfriend?”

43. With Campell’s mushroom soup, you can make some tuna and waffles.

After all, when you’ve smoked pot all day, you’ll need something to satisfy the munchies. For God’s sake, waffles should only be for breakfast.

44. “Promise you’ll taste the nifty new Ritz!”

Because if you don’t, she’ll take you to her torture dungeon and hold you over a fiery it by your ankles. If you think I’m crazy, ask those who live to tell the tale.

45. Be vital and vigorous with Morrell E-Z Serve liver loaf.

Because nothing makes a family happy like liver. You know the kind of meat everyone ingests like foul tasting cold medicine.

46. Make it a festive party with Libby’s Juice Jamboree.

Though serving juice on a kid’s hat may not be good idea. Basically it’s an accident waiting to happen.

47. Kids dig Welch’s Cocoanut bar.

It’s basically a coconut chocolate bar which is disgusting. Still, if it keeps those kiddies from killing you, it might be worth buying.

48. Hire’s Rootbeer is the great health drink.

Yet, this little one will chase the cat with a knife once he’s done. So you might want to get Friskies in a safe place while you still can.

49. Men always love a raisin pudding pie.

Though he might have to be a sick psycho like this guy. Because raisins are turds made to resemble chocolate chips but aren’t.

50. If your husband yawns at the table, treat him to Heinz tomato soup.

Since when is yawning at the table a problem? Chances are the guy’s just tired after a long, stressful day at work. Not everything a guy does has to do with his wife’s actions.

51. California vegetables are always the aristocrats of the crop.

Because nothing says high class like a villain from a Dickens novel with a monocle and slasher smile. Seriously, I’m wondering if California vegetables used the face of Jack the Ripper in their ad campaigns.

52. You can’t make cakes without Dr. Price’s vanilla extract.

Though if you don’t give the maid her pay raise, she will spike this cake with rat poison. Just ask the last guy she worked for. Oh, wait you can’t.

53. With Might Dog, your pooch always receives the best.

Though Spot always takes his food seriously. Though he thinks wearing a chef’s hat and bib makes him look like a complete idiot.

54. “Are you woman enough to buy a man’s mustard?”

Now that’s a really stupid question. Seriously, why should that even matter? Mustard is mustard.

55. Pastificio S. Bonetti is oozing with prime pasta.

Look, I understand how Italians love their pasta. But I didn’t know they’d love it so much to be caught with it in a compromising position.

56. Kids will always enjoy Van Camp’s pork and beans.

Well, assuming your child is a budding psychokiller. I’m sure little Bobby will go back with setting the cat on fire after he’s done.

57. “Sugar keeps your energy up and your appetite down.”

Sorry, but sugar doesn’t help you lose weight. In fact, it might contribute to obesity, heart disease, and Type II diabetes.

58. Snag a man with Underwood deviled ham sandwiches.

Seriously? The sandwich case? Sorry, but a man can make his own damn sandwich. This is sexist on so many levels.

59. Whitman’s chocolates make a fine Mother’s Day gift.

From Relish: “This advertiser knew exactly how to distinguish Whitman’s chocolates: market the product as a gift your wife will give right back to you.” Bet the guy will get the ones the wife doesn’t like.

60. Get your kids to eat veggies with this Jolly Green Giant foot rug.

From Relish: “Are your kids eating their vegetables? If not, try giving them one of these fuzzy, green foot rugs to make them crave veggies! This unique attempt to make green beans and corn more fun is appreciated, but it is unlikely that a furry rug of a foot will make anything appetizing.”

61. “Nothing says party like a Sara Lee cake!”

From Relish: “Sara Lee knows what’s up—who needs friends when you have chocolate cake? Her face says it all: ‘I’m not going out because I have cake, and lots of it.’ Add sweatpants and Netflix and the party is complete.”

62. Go to the beach with your own Campbell’s can bag.

From Relish: “Nothing about hot Campbell’s soup makes us think about the beach, but that didn’t stop Campbell’s from turning their product into a portable beach bag.” Then again, the ocean is full of salt. And so is Campbell’s soup. Mmmm salt.

63. Velveeta is a full of health from milk.

From Relish: “Let’s get one thing straight—just because a product is made with a beneficial ingredient, does not make it healthy. Velveeta tries its best to be convincing here, but we’re not buying it.”

64. McDonald’s takes care of 55% of your daily protein needs.

However, that doesn’t means a McDonald’s meal is necessarily good for you. Because it isn’t.

65. Even babies enjoy Nestle’s condensed milk.

Because you don’t want to see this little one when she’s angry. Otherwise, she will make you pay with your life.

66. “Wouldn’t I be silly to make it myself?”

Well, considering that Campbell’s soups have high salt contents, then no. Still, I think the woman seems to have murder on the mind.

67. Someone wants another glass of Hires’ Rootbeer.

Don’t look now but I’m sure that baby might prefer to drink the blood of the innocents. But he’ll settle for rootbeer.

68. After the game, boys always relish in the joy of good eating with Van Camp’s pork and beans.

“I whacked the pitcher real good with my bat. He screamed like a little girl as I bludgeoned the living crap out of him. Never had so much fun in my life.”

69. Miss Sunbeam wants you to have some Sunbeam bread.

Because if you don’t, she’ll go into your house and murder you and your family. Sure she may look innocent. But she’s a murderous psychopath who will bring you a slow and painful death.

70. Always use Arm and Hammer baking soda on your delectable treats.

And yet, this one features a scary clown. Best to skip this frightening circus unless you’re into Stephen King. Because the clown could easily murder you.

Vintage Spirits Advertising of Yesterday (Second Edition)

Alcohol Ads of the 1900s (1)

Disclaimer: This post is not for those under the legal age of 21. Those over 21 please drink responsibly. Thank you. Okay I was just kidding with that one.

Whether you’re getting ready to celebrate the holidays, are trying to cope with the Trump administration, or have a beer with your friends during a big game, chances are you’re probably familiar with alcoholic drinks. Back in the day, our ancestors had somewhat different attitudes to booze depending on what kind of people they were. On one hand, you have temperance people who saw alcohol as terrible since it ruined families and the like. But on the other hand, you have people where alcohol is so integral to their culture that they see no problem with kids drinking beer. Or monks brewing beer in German monasteries like they did at Saint Vincent College. Anyway, it shouldn’t be any surprise why the major beer labels in America are German and from the Midwest. However, though Germans have a high value on beer, it’s not the only alcoholic beverage they drink since we also have German wines such Champagne and Zinfindel. Anyway, many of these vintage ads might echo rather antiquated ideas about our society nor have aged well at any stretch. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another installment of booze ads from yesteryear.

  1. For bowling night, you’d always strike with Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Sure it might seem like a harmless bowling scene. Until you see that everyone in this has blue ribbon appendages. Then it’s just creepy.

2. Budweiser always gives you good times.

Now here’s a rather racist ad. Sure the black guy’s is supposed to be depicted as an eager servant. But looking at his imposing face he appears quite menacing. So I wouldn’t drink any of that beer if I were you.

3. Flirt Vodka can be quite appealing.

Though looking at her bruised knees, I don’t think this ad conveys a good message. Let’s hope she just had a party mishap.

4. Have a merry cherry with Kijafa, a Danish cherry wine.

Yet, the word “cherry” has an R-rated connotation that I can’t really discuss. But notice how that woman has mistletoe in her hand.

5. “‘Sweet’ on whiskey sours? Make your next drink Green River.”

But how he has such humongous hands is another matter. Seriously, they’re like totally out of proportion to his body.

6. Without Schlitz, you can’t have beer.

However, looking at the clown’s eyes, I suggest you give him some Schlitz now. Otherwise, he’ll get angry and kidnap your children.

7. Schlitz: the preeminent beer for clowns.

Sure this clown might be happy now. But once the booze wears off, he won’t be funny in the moonlight.

8. Wolfschmidt Genuine Vodka is in the spirit of the Czar.

Sure vodka is associated with Russia. But Wolfschmidt seems kind of Germanic to me. Then again, Catherine the Great was a German aristocrat and plenty of czars had German ancestry. So it oddly fits.

9. Schlitz, the beer of choice for American cowboys.

Yet, Schlitz is the beer for male bonding after a long day at the ranch. Still, the bottom scene seems kind of like Brokeback Mountain to me.

10. On the slopes, grab a cold Heiney.

Yet, I’m not sure about those Heineken snow suits. One of the women looks kind of embarrassed that people would see her and think she resembles a can.

11. Bacardi Rum is what they serve in Hell.

Still, if you see this guy behind the glasses, you might want to take a drink. For he already seems disappointed in you. Might not want to anger him even further.

12. Anisetta Evangelisti is the perfect liquor for dessert. Just ask this chimp.

However, despite that people think chimps are funny and loveable, they can be quite nasty. Also, why the hell would you want a chimp drink booze?

13. Even King Kong drinks Miller beer.

Though it wouldn’t help him climb the Empire State Building. Or avoid airplanes. Now that I think of it, how could King Kong even grab a beer? That makes no sense.

14. Bacardi is the rum of America’s favorite cocktails.

But would you want a drink with this guy? Sure he might be okay, but the pervy stache doesn’t help matters.

15. Everyone’s calling it on Early Times whiskey.

How old are these baseball players supposed to be? Because I find it hard to think they’re 21 or over.

16. Gordon’s Gin contains medicinal properties.

Actually, Gordon’s or not, gin is the worst thing for your liver. Let’s just say taking it as medicine isn’t the smartest idea.

17. For real morning after relief, drink a Pluto highball.

So this ad states, if you want to relieve a hangover, drink more booze in the morning. Because chances are you’re probably an alcoholic at this point.

18. The secret to a great holiday party is lots of mistletoe and Seagram’s Extra Dry.

So basically, you can’t have a great Christmas party without tons of boozy sex. Not what I’d call drinking responsibly.

19. Pabst beer prepares for the joys of motherhood.

Actually, if you’re pregnant, you better stay away from the booze, especially during the first trimester. Because it puts the developing baby at risk for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

20. With a Heineken, even your beer gives you a beer.

Well, this is hard to explain. Someone must’ve been under the influence to come up with this.

21. O-fl Extract Malt always builds people up.

Look, I know kids are cute and cuteness sells. But putting a child next to a bottle of booze isn’t appropriate. Seriously, there’s a reason why the drinking age is 21.

22. Ballantine beer is the preeminent drink for those in horse costumes.

It’s one thing to put a weird horse in your ad. But knowing this horse consists of two guys in a costume is rather disturbing. Seriously, just pick either humans or animals.

23. Nothing makes a riverside picnic like Schlitz beer.

I don’t think the guy trying Schlitz isn’t glowing about the beer in this one. Seems like there’s more going on here.

24. Want to please your man, ladies? Serve him Budweiser.

Because it’s said Budweiser delights more husbands than any beer ever known. Also, his Inner Man craves booze.

25. Dare to be different with Suntory Royal Whiskey.

Though whether it means you should do Kabuki theater, is another question entirely. Yes, it looks badass but it’s part of Japanese culture. Yet, couldn’t they just come up with some other image?

26. Anhauser-Busch’s Malt Nutrine is the preeminent beer for nursing mothers.

Yes, this was back when they considered beer as a health food. But today, these beer companies would never cater their product to nursing moms.

27. Even mounted goats enjoy the taste of Schaefer’s Bock beer.

Let’s just say Dr. Seuss was young and needed the money. But compared to some of his political cartoons, this isn’t too bad.

28. As a velveted whiskey, Imperial is so much fun!

Okay, we all know that polar bears and penguins don’t coexist. But unlike the Coca Cola ads, this provides of good illustration on what a polar bear and penguin co-existence would be like. And so far, it doesn’t look good for the penguin.

29. E.T. likes to remind you to not drink and drive. “Phone home” instead.

Yet, having E.T. work at the bar really ruins your childhood. I mean could you imagine him telling drunks to “phone home” if they had too many? Also, couldn’t Coors use the cast of Cheers instead? At least that show’s about a bar.

30. You can’t beat the mellow taste of Ten High whiskey.

Is it just me or is this woman unnaturally tan? The guy kind of looks rather unsettling, too.

31. A Four Roses Gimlet is 4 parts vodka and 1 part elegance.

However, this woman in here doesn’t seem like she’s really enjoying herself. In fact, she seems like she wants to go home while her significant other doesn’t.

32. Always drink Cossack Vodka for the office party.

I guess this woman is a bit tipsy since she notes how she didn’t recognize Mr. Smithers’ green eyes. Also, what the hell is she wearing? That doesn’t look like office wear to me.

33. “How about a little Schenley, Ruth?”

Ruth, get the hell out of there! The guy doesn’t just want a drink with you. The description here just makes me cringe.

34. “I’d ride a mile for a Smirnoff martini.”

Maybe, but what’s that got to do with a camel in the middle of the road? Besides, couldn’t just drive or ride a bus? Or walk?

35. The Smirnoff Mule is the drink that is.

But if I was that young woman, I’d be wary around Woody Allen. Because we all know he’s a real creep.

36. “He loves my mind. And he drinks Johnny Walker.”

Really? What makes him drinking Johnny Walker so important to you? Other than getting paid for just saying that?

37. Never go on a boat ride without Cinzano.

So is this diver rescuing this woman from a rowboat? Since she seems rather tied up. Then again, that might explain why the two guys are lying on the beach. Still, forget the booze. I want what the woman’s laundry detergent. Seriously, how does she keep her dress so clean?

38. Pernod is perfect for any pool party.

After all, Thing needs a vacation from the Addams Family once in awhile. So let him poor some booze on that woman if he wants to.

39. Champagne de la Jarretiere always brings people together.

Still, I wouldn’t want an old man grabbing at my garter. Sure he might have money, but still..

40. There’s nothing like Quina Marra.

However, I’m not sure why this woman’s having a drink with Mr. Pervo here. Unless she’s planning on getting him to pass out before she clears the premises.

41. You can’t go wrong with Rhum of the Incas.

First, Incas didn’t ride horses. Second, that looks more like a contestant from RuPaul’s Drag Race than anything from a Pre-Columbian culture in South America.

42. It’s always cheery with a Cherry Rocher Liqueur.

Though I’d wonder why this woman’s in a bird costume on a tree. Then again, nobody would be sober in her situation.

43. No man could resist the taste of Birra-Metzger-Torino.

You’d almost think this woman wants the guy she’s with die from liver cirrhosis. Cause from how he’s drinking, he’s most likely not driving the carriage that night.

44. Even great men like Teddy Roosevelt and Abe Lincoln approve of Johnny Walker.

From The Fix: “The hundred-foot visages of Roosevelt and Lincoln on Mount Rushmore—both of them paragons of virtue and wisdom—seem to be telekinetically talking to one another about a President whose face will soon be joining them. Whose face will be carved into the mountain is less important than the fact that they approve of the fact that he drinks Johnny Walker. The ad somehow manages to reduce the enormity of their legacy to something far smaller and silly. “

45. “Whatever you’ve got going…keep it going with J&B.”

Perhaps The Fix might explain this one better: “You can airbrush the 70s, but you can’t airbrush out the era’s creepy overtones. Half of this ad is dedicated to hands cupping what we have to assume is a mistress’s face. At first glance, it’s a fairly simple, innocent image. That’s before you start to peel back the crazy layers of control and illicitness going on. And J&B implores you to be part of every extramarital affair. No judgment. J&B doesn’t care what you do or who you do it with. It just wants to be there.”

46. Guys, always bring some White Horse Whiskey when going to a bachelorette pad.

Because nothing turns on boozy bachelorettes like “good guy” bringing White Horse Whiskey. Then again, perhaps flowers would be more appropriate? Or why not bring a couple of friends with you?

47. Enjoy the great taste of G.A. Jourde Bordeaux.

I’m sure there are plenty of people who feel this way when they drink. Though that doesn’t mean they’ll frolic around grapes.

48. Cordial Topaze is so great, this clown bought in bulk.

Because he’s every bit a creepy clown and an alcoholic. And he feels no shame about it.

49. Old French aristocrats always keep their Champagne stock in check in the middle of the night.

Then again, going down to your wine cellar at night might not be a good thing. Then again, he probably has a lot of parties going on.

50. This waitress always serves Braustube Hurlimann beer.

Looking at her, she knows that serving booze to customers gives her good tips. So the more drunk her customers are the better.

51. Squeeze all you can out of life with Seagram’s.

However, the man here’s worried he might eventually fade into a scene with scuba divers. So he’s not very pleased.

52. You need not be a slave to fashion with Smirnoff.

Though if you wear outfits like these, they might think you’re dressed for a Star Trek convention. Seriously, those have tacky 1960s all over them.

53. Smirnoff sour always has lemons and all that jazz.

Yet, why do they have black and white figures having a better time than the figures on the beach is beyond me. Kind of disturbs me for some reason.

54. Old Hickory Bourbon is simply magnificent.

So when the time is right, you can have a drink with your sweetheart before doing the nasty. From the woman’s eyes, and her pantyhose around his neck, you can guess where this is going.

55. Is it proper to boodle under the mistletoe or before guests arrive?

Guess it depends if you mean drinking Boodles Gin. Though it could just as easily mean sex. Either way, it depends on the party and I’ll leave it at that.

56. A Smirnoff Horse Shot is all you need at a ski lodge.

Still, they don’t just seem like cleaning skis to me. Might want to clear out before this goes any further.

57. A Bitter Pastore Milano is always a treat.

Guy kind of seems like he’s whispering something to the woman. Woman’s listening but would rather be somewhere else right now.

58. Drink a Smirnoff Hot Adam’s Apple while decorating for the holidays.

Though you’d pretty much have to be drunk to dress up that penguin. Then again, it might be a present they’re wrapping and not sure how.

59. Maker’s Mark always has a great body, compared to some guy’s girlfriend.

Talk about a blatantly sexist ad. Seriously, we shouldn’t be comparing women’s bodies to booze.

60. Enjoy the difference with Schlitz.

Though if I was on a date and a guy made that face while serving drinks, I’d get the hell out of there. A night with him could culminate into “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”

61. Working hard in the garage? Pour some Budweiser.

Though I don’t think tools and booze make a good mix. Perhaps that might have to do with how alcohol inhibits mind body coordination. Or something else.

62. Carioca Rum makes every drink sing.

Yet, the guy on the bongos has a crazed look on his face suggesting he’s high. Hope he doesn’t go to close to the fire.

63. It’s always Scotch time with Johnny Walker.

But a guy dressed from the 1800s strutting in front of a bunch of guys in suit, that’s another question. Why they’re not fazed by it, I have no idea.

64. Wolfschmidt’s great for drinking while underwater.

As to why anyone would drink alcohol while scuba diving is beyond me. Seriously, I don’t even think that’s safe.

65. The green demon always goes for Maurin.

Yes, it’s a demonic character with a bottle of booze. And it will give you nightmares.

66. Smirnoff vodka always makes a great gift.

Yet, why have a woman covered in gift wrap just baffles me. Seriously why?

67. They’re always serving Paul Jones.

Okay, this is racist from the get-go and the white guys’ outfits don’t really help matters. Because though it might evoke a plantation setting, we all know who consisted of their labor force. And it’s why plantation weddings don’t have a great reputation.

68. You’ll always get the goats with Iron City Bock Beer.

Sure the goat might seem creepy as hell. So you really don’t want this one to but in while under the influence.

69. For pleasant moments, drink PM whiskey during the game.

After all, why should you worry about these leatherheads getting traumatic brain injuries? Seriously, you think today’s players have concussions? Also, you don’t drink whisky during a game. You drink beer.

70. Even Charles Dickens drank J&B Whiskey.

You know the guy who wrote A Christmas Carol and A Tale of Two Cities? Nevertheless, despite being a literary prowess, he’d desert his family for an 18 year old actress and was a dick to his wife.

The Dark Scary World of Vintage Halloween Costumes (Third Edition)

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Whether intended to be scary or cute, many of these vintage Halloween costumes seem rather terrifying for some reason. Perhaps they made costumes differently. Or maybe it’s the photography since black and white can make things look significantly scarier than color. Maybe they were just more creative. But whatever the reason Halloween back then apparently seemed much creepier than today’s equivalents. And if you lived back then, chances are you’d probably wouldn’t want to run into any partiers or trick or treaters. Nevertheless, for your reading pleasure, I give you yet another installment of some really creepy old Halloween costumes to send a shiver up your spine.

  1. You might want to beware of the clowns living in Uncanny Lane.

By the way, do you know Pennywise the Clown from It? Well, these are his parents. Or grandparents. I’m not exactly sure.

2. Perhaps you can be a deer and what the hell is that thing?

Then again, the deer head costume kind of looks a bit creepy as well. But it’s nothing compared to the one kind of resembling a badly designed ghost cat.

3. For a devil costume all you need is a dress and matching horns.

Sure they may not look scary. Yet, the hooked tails kind of look out of place.

4. Think of this classroom scene as Arthur meets Pet Semetary.

Man, those masks are so creepy as hell. Guaranteed to give you nightmares for weeks.

5. Oh, look two trick or treaters.

Okay, you can take all the candy you want! Just go away and don’t kill me!

6. Children always look forward to a Halloween parade.

Might want to flee the neighborhood when they’re around. Unless you have a huge stock of candy.

7. Apparently, Spock goes for purple haired chicks.

Actually that doesn’t look like Spock at all. Besides, couldn’t the parents just use make up and pointed ears? Seems less scary.

8. Please don’t look behind the bushes.

Because these two girls will straight up murder you. Sure they might be playing around. But piss them off, you’ll soon regret it.

9. This boy is quite a skilled bear baiter.

For one, this costume pair makes light of cruelty to animals. Second, that is the most terrifying bear I’ve ever seen. Please don’t sick that thing on me.

10. Be wary around anything with a big head.

After all, the one with the bag was never seen again after this picture was taken. Sure the big headed guy might look silly but avoid if you value you life.

11. Beware of the scary ghouls with flashlights.

Yes, they’re trick or treaters. But give them anything with razor blades and they’ll put you through hell.

12. You’ll surely be endeared with this clown wearing musical cats.

On second thought, those cats are terrifying. If there’s a cat version of Deliverance, I bet any money they’d be in it.

13. On Halloween, best not to piss off this wicked witch.

No, she’s not the kind of witch you’d see on Harry Potter. And if you do anything stupid, she can easily turn you into a toad.

14. “Smile for the camera, children!”

We have idea what happened to the kid in the cap after this. For he was never seen again.

15. Keep away from those wearing large masks.

Yes, those are incredibly horrifying. So is the cat. Might want to avoid if you value your life.

16. Try getting these women out of these large bottles.

They’re dressed as gin and port. And from how the labels are placed, I’m not sure if they’re wearing much else.

17. Someone in this picture has their mask on upside down.

But the mask is nevertheless terrifying just the same. Also, you don’t want to piss off those at the fountain.

18. When these two clowns visit your neighborhood, you better be on your guard.

Make sure you have plenty of candy. For if you don’t, chances are you’ll never be seen again.

19. Better give this devil his due.

Yes, that mask is certainly menacing. So you better give him candy before he takes your soul.

20. Sometimes a so-called cute creature can be upright murderous.

Yes, the costumes here are kind of scary. But the panda and chipmunk are truly the stuff of nightmares.

21. No, you don’t want to shake hands with the pumpkin man.

At first I thought it was a Halloween decoration. Still, I don’t think this girl’s exercising good judgement.

22. Whatever you do, it would be wise not to crash this party.

For all you know, party crashers could be on the menu. So you might as well stay away if you value your life.

23. When trick or treating, kids, there are just some homes you must stay away from.

This house would fall among those you should skip. Doesn’t matter if their candy is good. Because they could easily put you in a pot or a hot oven.

24. Of course, many costume parties should always have a group photo.

Yet, you best not want to see these people in a dark alley. Or intoxicated. Also, what’s party hat Hitler doing here? Talk about terrifying.

25. Don’t want to know who let these dogs out.

For all I know, they’d drag me into the woods and murder me. So best you keep away from these two.

26. Perhaps you might want to pay a visit to the pumpkin man.

May not be as scary as Donald Trump. But the pumpkin head and abdomen is unsettling. Still, have to admire the squash wagon.

27. This guy just wants someone to sit with him.

Though better if you shouldn’t. For you never know what he might do to you. Then again, he might be just lonely.

28. On Halloween, sometimes you might want to know what happened to certain kids’ heads.

I know it’s a mask head. But that just doesn’t look right for some reason. Not sure why.

29. I’m sure this girl wouldn’t want to hold hands with this Uncle Sam.

Even the old costumes not meant to be scary are terrifying. This especially goes for ones of Uncle Sam for some reason. Yes, I feel for that girl, too.

30. Even ghosts can get tired sometimes.

But that’s still a very creepy costume. Also the one with the black leather mask is quite menacing.

31. Sometimes it helps if your costumes match.

Though stripes don’t detract from the horrifying expressions. Best to keep away if you value your life.

32. On Halloween, chances are you might run into a ghost in your neighborhood.

But if you run into this one, try to get out of sight before they haunt your dreams. Otherwise, nobody will see you again.

33. When Dracula and Frankenstein band together, no one is safe.

Sure they’re store bought masks. But they nevertheless seem scary as hell.

34. Keep away from the clown in the corner.

Yes, clowns can terrify us. But this is especially so in black and white photography.

35. Even a pumpkin from bags can horrifying onlookers.

That face may have a smile. But you don’t want to mess with them. Seriously, don’t.

36. Somehow I’m not sure what’s going on with this rabbit.

Cute little bunny rabbit in an outfit isn’t what I have in mind with this one. In fact, wouldn’t be surprised if this girl took out an ax.

37. If you thought the twins from The Shining were creepy…

Those masks are just uncanny and menacing. Guaranteed to give you nightmares.

38. Sometimes it helps of you crack a few egg…people.

This woman’s costume doesn’t even have arm’s for God’s sake. Yet, she doesn’t seem to mind. Not sure why.

39. There’s a strong chance you might be visited by green people from another world.

If they visit you, best to give them what they want. Else, they might vaporize you.

40. Pennywise the Clown has nothing on this guy.

Hell, this guy makes Pennywise look like a clown at a birthday party. Why he doesn’t get the Stephen King treatment, no one knows.

41. Sometimes a costume might seem scarier under candle light.

You can see this in action with this ugly vampire. I’m sure he’d give the guy from Nosferatu a run for his money.

42. Even a wolf can seem scary near a jack-o-lantern.

Not sure if he’ll kill your grandma or blow down your house. But if go near him, you probably don’t want to know.

43. There are some trick or treaters you simply just can’t greet.

Just throw candy at them and have them leave. But not those Dum Dum lollipops. Or candy corn. Else, you’ll regret it.

44. Guess this is what you’d call a 1930s insane clown posse.

Okay, they might not be juggalos. But they’re dressed as clowns. And they’re certainly insane.

45. Only a clown can enjoy a slow dance with a ghoulish ghost.

Though which one I should feel bad for is a difficult question. After all, both seem likely to kill you in your sleep.

46. When these 3 ghosts visit the neighborhood, it’s time to run.

Because if you don’t give them candy, they will haunt your dreams. Or perhaps worse.

47. A jolly clown like this boy is one to avoid.

After all, he might get his jollies from hacking people to pieces. Don’t believe me? Just look at his face.

48. When ghost drive by night, be very afraid.

Still, if you drive near these, you might want to give them the right of way. Because you might regret it if you don’t.

49. Don’t worry about these witches hanging.

Though the old crone seems like one who’d use a candy house to eat children. The other woman doesn’t seem to mind.

50. You can create a scary costume with a white sheet.

Yes, these are certainly menacing. Definitely guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

51. No, you don’t want to touch that clown’s nose.

Though the other kids seem pretty terrifying as well. Nevertheless, best to avoid them on the street.

52. When you see some ghastly folks in cone hats, it’s time to run.

Best not to push their buttons. For you don’t want to be chopped to pieces. So don’t piss them off.

53. Sometimes a simple paper bag can make all the difference.

Must take an artist to make a simple brown paper bag inspire nightmares. Stephen King would be proud.

54. When you’re on a budget, go with newspaper.

Not sure what he’s supposed to be. But at least he’s willing to get creative. Yet, he’s a long shot in any costume contest.

55. Better not look behind you when bobbing for apples.

Because if you do, these undead will kidnap you and bury you alive. So happy apple bobbing, kids.

56. Introducing for one night only, the Skeleton Triplets.

You should really see them dance since they’re such a scream. Also inspire screams when looking into their stone cold faces.

57. When you see this witch around, her little brother won’t be far behind.

So please treat them well and give them candy. But not candy corn since they will absolutely murder you if you do.

58. Even the Devil can be trusted around babies.

Okay, I know this is a picture of siblings. But that masks might suggest the boy’s less than a wholesome influence.

59. Here’s a photo of Pennywise from his childhood.

Let’s just say this was one kid in the neighborhood you didn’t mess with. Because he’d basically kill you.

60. On Halloween, best not mess with these witches.

After all, to these girls, black magic is serious business. And if they turn you into a toad, consider yourself lucky.

61. When he shows up, it’s your time to go.

Since he’s the Grim Reaper. Okay, he’s dressed up as one. But he’s quite frightening.

62. You might want to watch your back with these little devils around.

If you think they’re scary now. Just imagine them with their masks on.

63. Children always enjoy community trick or treating.

But you’d almost mistake this bunch for a horde of horrid monsters. Avoid them like the plague.

64. Apparently, these clowns have taken a couple of hostages.

And it’s likely these two boys may not have long to live. Poor angels.

65. Now this kid has a rather funny looking face.

Never underestimate the power of paper mache. And yes, this mask is terrifying.

66. The difference between these two is in black and white.

No, these two aren’t the aliens from “Let That Be Your Last Battlefield.” Because they didn’t have Star Trek at the time.

67. Bet you wouldn’t want to run into these trick-or-treaters.

Seems like you’ll find plenty of scary masks here. So best to either give them candy or avoid.

68. Don’t look now but Frankenstein’s monster is in the neighborhood.

Though to be fair, Frankenstein’s monster isn’t supposed to be bad. Rather it’s Dr. Frankenstein who’s the real monster.

69. You never know what you can make with paper bags and yarn.

And yes, they’re certainly frightening. Talk about creepy craft projects.

70. Thought Anne Jetson didn’t resemble a horror movie character.

Yet, this one makes a cartoon character seem like she’s from an uncanny valley. Eeek!

71. Should you attend this Halloween party, best to leave as soon as you can.

And yes, I can feel for the guy without a costume in this. Chances are, he won’t be coming home that night.

72. Not sure if he’s a soldier or executioner.

On the other hand, the woman’s dress goes perfect with the wallpaper. Though I wouldn’t mess with the guy with the ax.

73. You’d swear these women’s hair would stand on end.

And they all seem tucked into a sheet like they’re standing. Indeed, I don’t understand it.

74. Apparently, Nathan Bedford Forrest Elementary School wasn’t known for its sensitivity training program.

There’s a reason why we don’t want people to use a cone hat on their ghost costume. Because it brings a startling resemblance to what some white supremacists wear.

75. Dead Mickey Mouse and Batgirl Thing say goodbye.

And yes, their costumes seem to defy all explanation. Yet, they’re also incredibly terrifying.

76. Hope you never run into this rare bird.

Because she doesn’t seem very friendly. Also wears high-heeled shoes.

77. Sometimes you can do plenty with a cardboard mask.

Sure it’s a very cheap Halloween costume. But at the same time, it turns a child into a neighborhood psychokiller.

78. Seems like demonic monsters revel in the great outdoors.

Though you wouldn’t want to be out when they’re in the neighborhood. And yes, I hear they do kill unsuspecting bystanders.

79. Everyone always has fun at the skeleton dance.

But they sure don’t give any bones about freaking out the neighbors. Or anyone else.

80. Sometimes the scary is all kept in the family.

And let’s just say they always dress for dinner. But yes, the women will certainly give you the heebie jeebies.

Ghastly Halloween Greetings in the Ghoulish Days of Old (Third Edition)

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Now it’s on to vintage Halloween greeting cards. Whenever I do a post on holiday greeting cards, I usually go for the vintage lot mostly since they have a lot of crazy imagery that don’t hold up in contemporary times. Not to mention, people sent greeting cards to each other way more often than today. Well at least it seems that way. Halloween cards are no exception. Many of these cards use very creepy illustrations sometimes depicting stuff that doesn’t make sense to the modern eye. Sometimes figures aren’t drawn right that they look unintentionally creepy like children. And sometimes the inscription might contain a suggestive message correlating to the image, which I most often see on vintage valentines. Some of these cards could be outright offensive at a demographic stand point. But regardless of what you might see, you’d probably wouldn’t send these cards to a loved one any time soon. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasure trove of vintage Halloween cards time forgot.

  1. A large lit jack-o-lantern sets a black cat’s fur on end.

Though I think the cat’s more freaked out by the kid who’s threatening to whack him with a broomstick. Though that jack-o-lantern is creepy.

2. Nobody’s happier on Halloween than a pumpkin head child with gold teeth.

However, this pumpkin kid has inspired countless nightmares ever since. Seriously, anyone would be freaked out by this.

3. Halloween is always a time of year to casually converse with floating jack-o-lanterns.

Because there’s nothing crazy about talking to floating pumpkins under candle light. Okay, little Jimmy may be a little eccentric. But please understand him.

4. “May you have a jolly Halloween!”

However, neither of these kids holding pumpkins seem jolly. More like the kids who showed up at a Halloween party without a costume.

5. Flying a broom at night is thrilling for this pumpkin head kid.

Not sure what’s creepier. Seeing a crone witch flying on a broom in the sky or this. At least flying witches don’t give you nightmares.

6. If you let the candle drip in the water on Halloween, the face of your soulmate will appear.

Guess this is a superstition but I don’t think love works that way. Also, how is that guy sitting without a chair?

7. Cats and little girls are always Halloween chums.

This girl’s like “I’ll love em’ and squeeze em,’ and keep em’ forever and ever.” Cat makes a face like someone in a hostage situation.

8. “A happy future/I hope you will see/On Hallow’een in a cup of tea.”

Not sure if I can go on with that idea. Still, hope the girl doesn’t look at that fairy. Eeek.

9. Happy Halloween from the living human squash garden.

The fact these have pumpkin and squash heads and human bodies make them terrifying enough. You could almost make a horror movie with these.

10. Pumpkin head scarecrow wishes you a joyous Halloween.

Because he’s the only thing keeping you safe from these freaky children. Their smiles are particularly menacing.

11. Terrifying boy with broomstick wishes you a jolly Halloween.

Looking at that kid’s face makes me feel for the whimpering jack-o-lantern. Hate to think of what that boy will do with that broom.

12. Demons and squash people relish in a Halloween feast.

I don’t know why these squash people exist in these Halloween cards. Yet one really seems to enjoy the chocolate box.

13. “Ho! For a Merry Hallowe’en!”

Seems like the jack-o-lantern wants the kid to climb into his mouth in order to devour him. And the moon’s relishing watching the whole thing. Maybe Linus should be glad the Great Pumpkin never came to his neck of the woods.

14. You can’t have a Halloween party without inviting a small moon man.

I’ve heard of the man in the moon. But I had no idea that he had a human body and wears a suit. Still, seems to like tall girls fro some reason.

15. “Pumpkin head I would like to be/If in your arms you would take me.”

Look, I know this is supposed to be a card someone sent to their sweetheart. But the terrifying pumpkins in the background just freak me out.

16. Stay safe on Halloween and watch out for flying jack-o-lanterns.

And you thought the wolf was bad enough for Little Red Riding Hood. Run for your life from those pumpkins! For they will only bring you death.

17. Apparently, nobody wants a visit from the jack-o-lantern ghost.

Still, I’m not sure if the jack-o-lantern is really a head. Or if it’s just on top on its head. Maybe I don’t want to know.

18. Witches on broomsticks always fly by night.

Yet, the man in the moon always likes to gaze at the young witch’s best attributes. Which makes the cats terrified and brings scorn from the owl.

19. Happy Halloween from the hulking depressed ghost.

Guess someone’s not in a scary mood this Halloween night. Not sure what the witch and small scarecrow think otherwise.

20. Bobbing for apples is always Halloween fun.

However, a white girl dressed as an Indian falls under cultural appropriation. Not exactly offensive like the Cleveland Indians logo but still.

21. Children always look forward to Halloween night.

Yet, black cats seem to be afraid of everything. This one absolutely dreads a small child’s embrace and for good reason.

22. “On All-hallows Eve,/When the hour is late,/Pull a root from the garden/And meet your fate.”

Yet, a root with a face and appendages just defies all concepts of biology. Also, what’s this about pulling up root veggies for Halloween?

23. May you see your dream boat in your mirror on Halloween, thanks to witch coming from a pumpkin.

She’s probably freaked out by the witch coming from the pumpkin. Though she might want to look at her ginger dream guy in the mirror. Yet, she’s not paying attention.

24. There’s nothing more fun on Halloween than stealing the occasional jack-o-lantern.

And those trick or treaters should be lucky that the policeman chasing them doesn’t have a gun. Though the ghost kid looks straight out of a horror movie.

25. Halloween greetings from a little red hatted witch.

However, as she sorts her mail, she devises her own little evil plan. So if you see her, you might want to run away from her like hell.

26. Sometimes even witches wouldn’t want to go near a pumpkin headed scarecrow.

Though this guy doesn’t seem able to go anywhere so he might want some companionship. Then again, we’ve probably heard all about Donald Trump’s sexual assault allegations. So I wouldn’t blame the witch here.

27. Everyone always wants to take part in a Halloween parade.

However, you wouldn’t want to take part in this procession. And the fact the pumpkin lanterns also seem to enjoy it only inspires more nightmares. Seriously, why?

28. “At twelve o’clock you must be ready,/And hold your pumpkin good and steady/For by its rays of candle light/On Halloween all things are bright!”

However, the moon behind this witch seems to give her a massive pervo stare. Wonder why she doesn’t feel uncomfortable here.

29. Halloween night might startle you with an occasional fright once in awhile.

I’m sure the cat’s freaked out by the sight of the squash people. Because these squash people are the stuff of nightmares.

30. “The time has come/For the witches’ dance,/And the spooks from far and near/Will gather and make merry/For Halloween is here.”

Though being stared down by a giant jack-o-lantern cannot be a pleasant experience. The green goblins look kind of freaky, too.

31. Remember if you go out alone on Halloween night, you’ll be in for a fright.

Yet, that couple might not want to mind the terrifying jack-o-lantern in the window. Kind of seems evil for some reason.

32. Squash people can’t resist a piece of cake.

Though they sure look terrifying eating it. Still, I swear these guys were a product of some 19th century drug trip.

33. On Halloween night, don’t miss the charms of the witching hour.

Yet, that laughing pumpkin moon just gives me the creeps. And I think the white cat agrees with me.

34. Nothing beats trick or treating on Halloween.

Not sure if this kid’s even wearing costume. Then again, he probably doesn’t need one since he looks pretty terrifying already.

35. A witch’s cauldron should always bring all the spirits in  view.

Yes, those faces will give you nightmares. But what’s with that masked person?

36. “Could I borrow a witch’s flying machine/I’d visit you on Hallow’een.”

Yet, this witch doesn’t seem to fly her broom right. Apparently, the broom part is supposed to be down.

37. Apparently, nobody wants to see flying jack-o-lanterns on a cow.

Well, if I were that woman, I’d be flipping out in fright, too. Those jack-o-lantern smiles are just terrifying.

38. Seems like this black cat really doesn’t like what’s coming out of that cauldron.

Then again, it’s not like I’d blame the cat for anything. Because I thought those cauldrons were just for magic potions.

39. If you want to know your fortune, pull out a beet from your garden at midnight.

Still, the gnome fairy is just incredibly freaky looking. Also, going out in your garden for a beet to read your future? What the hell?

40. No feat is greater on Halloween than carving a giant pumpkin in the patch.

Now we know where the Great Pumpkin came from. Still, can’t really see a kid doing this. Also, you don’t see a lot of stuff lying around. I mean don’t you have to shell out the contents first?

41. If you look in the mirror on Halloween, the fiend will show you the person you marry.

Though I wouldn’t want to look at the white fiend behind if I were him. Also, I don’t think he’s pleased with what he’s seeing.

42. Beware what you find in that old grandfather clock.

Seems like the cat looked and its fur already stands on end. Still, bound to give you nightmares.

43. Keep an eye out for ghosts on Halloween night.

And yes, the ghosts seem like they’re straight out of some horror film. One of them is about to reach for that woman’s shoulder. Freaky.

44. You can always make merry on the drum on Halloween night.

However, the drum doesn’t seem to look happy at all. Also, the cats are parading around mice, which they eat.

45. You never know what you’ll run into on Halloween night.

Or who will be coming home with brown on the seat of their pants. Though seeing a ghostly figure in the woods will freak out just about anyone.

46. There’s nothing scarier than being chased by a jack-o-lantern on legs.

Yes, you’d probably run away from that, too. But the kids seem substantially creepier to me, especially the one getting trampled.

47. Bobbing for apples is always a wholesome Halloween activity.

Though this guy’s wondering which of the twins he wants to make out with. Or he just wants to gape at one of the girl’s drenched pink dress.

48. Happy Halloween, courtesy of Nightmare man.

Surely wouldn’t want to see that guy riding on a broomstick upside down. Yet, the woman with the jack-o-lantern doesn’t seem to mind.

49. May cats in jack-o-lantern hot air balloons bring you Halloween joys.

Even the owl can’t believe what it’s witnessing at the moment. Yes, that’s probably inspired by some drug trip.

50. As you know, jack-o-lanterns can come in so many faces.

Yet, each one of these pumpkins is rather eerie in its own way. Particularly if they have teeth.