The Dark Scary World of Vintage Halloween Costumes (Fifth Edition)

26-Best-Vintage-Halloween-Costumes-Inspiration11

For some mysterious reason, old vintage Halloween pictures seem to be a lot creepier for some reason. Maybe it’s the black and white photography. Maybe it’s how the costumes were made. Maybe it’s their conception of scary. I don’t know. Still, when you look at them, they’re bound to freak you out and give you nightmares for weeks to come. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of nightmarish vintage Halloween costumes. Sweet dreams.

  1.  She’s all dressed in ready for the spiderweb ball.
26-Best-Vintage-Halloween-Costumes-Inspiration19

So is this how they dressed for Halloween during the 18th century? Or did people during the 18th century not celebrate it?

2. Now, everyone, smile for the camera.

1.-MSS_577_B001_F013_I0i012-Halloween-1914

Man, I don’t think the guy dressed as a Native American would fly today. Also, some of the masks are quite terrifying.

3. I’m sure this witch is kind to her animals.

1b7bee6f0211a7d07e1f07749a24e54b

Yet, I’m not exactly sure by the grin on her face. Also, that cat looks like it’s stuffed.

4. The kitchen staff can be such animals.

1f946fa84137df85775134ac2bbf50d8

Okay, I don’t want to go in there. For all I know they could be cooking some of Hannibal Lecter’s best known recipes.

5. We all have our bad hair days.

2c8c4fe66e5685a10a1d30253c82983b

Yet, she could use a full-on makeover. Then again, witches don’t care much about their looks, anyway.

6. Even a ghostly skeleton seeks to pick up chicks.

6ca9534ada2d387dfe6b5d8623d4f629

I’m sure this version of Ghost doesn’t contain the iconic pottery wheel scene. In fact, I don’t think they’ll be making love to “Unchained Melody” anytime soon either.

7. You’d think this lady was batty.

7ede295f5bc076ce95d99de4cfeb302f

Yes, she’s in a sexy bat costume. But her dress doesn’t make much sense to me, save for fanservice.

8. Perhaps buying your costume isn’t as great as it seems.

16

Yeah, the masks look kind creep thanks to black and white photography. Still, the one with the leopard print doesn’t seem to have a face.

9. Want to dress as a sexy ghost? Just put a white bag on your head.

370

You could never pull this kind of costume in PA. Mainly because the weather’s under 50 degrees by this point.

10. May I present to you the 19th century version of the Village People.

742e0ff915b17ff02b42493818380e98

As you can see, they’re not exactly a lively bunch. In fact, they seem more likely to kill you in your sleep.

11. What a couple of babies.

33360e2a302dc923b36a3da2a6ca715a--creepy-vintage-vintage-halloween

Okay, these two look too big to be babies. Yet, their masks can just scare the living shit out of you.

12. You might fly with these Peter Pan costumes.

092519_vintage-disney-halloween-roundup-0-780x440-1569447014

These are actually really terrifying. And it really says a lot since Peter Pan is an incredibly creepy movie.

13. Here you see Spiderman and Batman hang out with Colonel Sanders.

slide_255991_1627296_free

What a way to show a good example to kids, superheroes. Of course, masked vigilantism doesn’t help either.

14. How about you hang near the car?

84025916

That duck mask is frightening. Then again, the chicken mask may even be scarier.

15. Hope the trick-or-treaters can make themselves comfortable.

285050908_ced3a05e9b_o

Okay, those vintage costumes are actually scarier in color. Even in regards to Princess Aurora, Casper, and Snoopy.

16. These kids are just resting on the grass.

412286099_o1-600x332

These masks are incredibly terrifying. Don’t look now, but I think these kids are devising ways to kill neighbors who don’t give them candy.

17. Have fun trick-or-treating, kids.

2940565506_6d38cbca8e_b

Apparently, someone managed to make Spiderman and the Lone Ranger scary. While the Wolf man seems kind of lame.

18. That’s an odd looking giraffe.

455708056018727728

Since the giraffe is made out of paper. Still, wonder how the girl can see in it.

19. Beware of the chicken boy.

b49cea7f23171477fcd4feeb7dd9d9d6

I don’t know why the kid just stick around transfixed on the chicken. When the girl should be running away screaming for her dear life.

20. These two are just walking the street on their Halloween haunt.

b79b282cadea6a1cfdd629749c78a02a

The witch seems like she’s wearing Groucho Marx glasses without the mustache. But it should be the ghost that really scares us.

21. You might want to get away from the monster behind you.

b657d599790422dd94e880663dbb139c--halloween-photos-vintage-halloween

That’s Frankenstein’s monster attacking that boy. And I’m sure the boy might need another pair of pants.

22. Sorry to crash a medieval plague doctors meeting.

c1fae1c9bb70b8f295bc90277ee41e94

Since they’re all wearing bird masks and cloaks. Still, if it was the 1300s, we’d wonder how many of them will be left next year.

23. You’d think this is an odd-looking bird.

cardboard1

Well, it’s a cardboard costume. But it kind of looks eerie in black and white photography.

24. Beware of the little red devil.

devilmaskk

I’m sure this kid is all right. But the costume makes him seem like a little terror out of hell.

25. A mother sits with her strangely dressed children.

gallery-1508177568-gettyimages-550151771

Two of them are supposed to be dwarfs, I think. One’s a cowboy. And one’s the Monopoly Man. But all seem rather dead inside.

26. This woman just wears a dress, mask, and cone hat.

girl-in-a-halloween-costume-in-1928-ontario-canada-414x640

Wearing that, you’d think she was on her way to a cult meeting. But she has a pumpkin on her dress.

27. These four just hang around the front door.

Creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-5

But look at their masks and you don’t want them in your house. Seriously, they make Freddy Krueger look like a character on Sesame Street.

28. You wouldn’t want to run into this little clown at night.

halloween-costumes3

Wonder if this is a childhood photo of Pennywise the Clown. I mean he had to be a child somehow.

29. Here a ghost emerges from the bushes.

halloween-costumes22

Let’s hope he didn’t make it from some Klan robe. Because they were a thing back in the Gilded Age and 1920s.

30. This doesn’t seem like a fun Halloween party.

Vintage_40ccb2_6430304

Consists of a scary clown and two very offensive stereotypes. For God’s sake it was the early 1900s. Times were really racist.

31. Well, this seems like a strange horse race.

il_570xN.869778560_szvv

Yes, you see people sharing horse costumes. One guy has very little legs like Lord Farquad.

32. Don’t hitch a ride with these masked men.

original

Since they’ll take you to an undisclosed location. Then they’ll kill you and rip you to pieces.

33. Who knows what this clown will do to these two women.

Scary-Vintage-Clown-Halloween-Costume

Yeah, I get that he’s wearing a tall hat. But I think after this picture was taken, the two women were never seen again.

34. The skull person is within the living room.

scary-vintage-halloween-creepy-costumes-114-57fc8e918e308__605

Indeed, they’re not scaring anyone. But in time, they will chase teenagers with a knife once it gets dark.

35. Each trick-or-treater shall receive a large pumpkin bag.

slide_255991_1627584_free

The devil and Raggedy Ann masks will haunt your dreams. The cat, not so much.

36. Sometimes a white mask is all you need.

Spooky_Styles_of_Halloween_Costumes_from_a_Century_Ago_(1)

She’s even on roller skates. That means she can go after you with a knife faster. Except on the stairs.

37. Are those kids or ventriloquist dummies?

stuffyoushouldknow-14-2013-09-vintage-halloween17

Well, they could be kids wearing masks. Yet, they don’t really seem very lifelike to me. Something’s off here.

38. The light’s quite misty, isn’t it?

stuffyoushouldknow-14-2013-09-vintage-halloween55

One of the revelers reminds me of an undead muppet. Another has a rather creepy clown face.

39. Apparently, someone’s fallen into a creepy cult ritual.

tumblr_nebmpwvXFe1rhhnauo1_500

These women wear dresses with markings on them. But they must dance around two virgins before they sacrifice them to their blood hungry god.

40. A witch stands with her cat.

untitled1

She seems rather lonely. Mostly because everyone’s frightened of her. And her cat’s plush, I think.

41. These two seem like a rather odd couple.

untitled3

One wears a mask with make while looking dashing in a top hat and coat. The other wears a mask and a dress.

42. Here’s a friendly guy you’d meet in the park.

Vintage_9ba841_6430304

Kind of reminds me of the guy kicked off The Muppet Show. Since he often gave kids candy from his windowless van. Or so I heard.

43. Care to see the clown in the corner?

Vintage_54b346_6430304

On second thought, I’ll pass on that one. Don’t want to be found near the river with an ax in my back.

44. Don’t you ever refuse to give these kids candy.

Vintage_c54189_6430304

Because if you do, they will kill you. Even if you honestly ran out, they will still slay you. So please have candy ready for them.

45. Sandra finds romance on Planet of the Apes.

vintage-halloween-7-850x633

“Come to me, you damn dirty ape. Send me to your monkey bar sex dungeon.”

46. Don’t you dare cross this masked maid.

vintage-halloween-630x387

Mess with her and she’ll make sure you pay with your life. And she’ll make you pay.

47. You might enjoy this jolly clown.

Vintage-halloween-costume

Okay, this clown is terrifying. Avoid him like the plague if you value your life.

48.  You’d swear you’ve seen these trick-or-treaters from space.

Vintage-Halloween-Costume1-630x435

These costumes are quite frightening. Yet, the astronaut has to wear a rocket shaped mask for some reason.

49. “Come and play with us, Danny.”

vintage-halloween-costumes16

Those princess masks are guaranteed to give you nightmares. Will certainly haunt your dreams.

50. Perhaps you might enjoy a couple of sisters.

vintage-halloween-costumes-19

One doesn’t pretend not to care. The other’s thinking about skinning the neighbor’s cat.

51. Make sure your stick matches your masks.

vintage-halloween-costumes-1930s-7

Though each one is just as scary. And the kids in the back certainly know it.

52. Looks like the Turnip ghost caused some scares.

wp-content2Fuploads2F20142F102FHalloween-costumes-1.jpg2Foriginal

The woman is freaking out. The guy is splayed on the floor. Wonder if this is some horror cosplay scene.

53. Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you can’t be Batman.

Z0SQXrk

Well, she’s an early incarnation of Batwoman. But what am I kidding? Batman wasn’t around yet.

54. Well, we’ve got a couple of lone rangers.

zorro-lone-ranger-1950s-halloween-costumes

Actually, one’s supposed to be Zorro. But they will strike if not given candy for trick-or-treating.

55. “Won’t you come and spoon with me?”

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-spoon

Oh, hell no. For God’s sake I’m not that desperate for cuddles.

56.  “I’m just a little school girl.”

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-hair

I don’t know about you. But that’s a dude who looks like a lady to me. Possible ancestor of Steve Tyler from Aerosmith.

57. “Get off my lawn, you brats!”

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-man

For if you don’t, he’ll run you down and cut you up in his basement. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

58. Watch out for the locker room ghosts.

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-bags

Of course, they probably didn’t have the time and resources for a full sheet. So they used pillow cases instead. One even has a black bag.

59. “I shall call him, Mini Me.”

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-boys

These two wear the same cone black hats. The smaller boy is pure evil.

60. I give you, the Elephant Man.

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-elephant-man

Okay, that’s kind of insensitive. Joseph Merrick deserves more dignity than that. Then again, he probably doesn’t know anything about Merrick.

61. Send in the big clowns.

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-large-men

On second thought, do clowns really need to be inflated. That just makes them scarier.

62. “Are you comfortable, madam?”

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-mouse

This mouse seems rather hospitable to that girl. Don’t really want to what kind of relationship they have.

63. “Let’s just watch that house burn.”

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-overexposure

These masks are so terrifying even if they’re supposed to be dolls and clowns. And I’m sure they just set a house on fire.

64. Clown or space alien? You decide.

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-tall

Actually, she’s probably dressed like a clown. But her tall hat totally seems like it’s from another planet.

65. These two always stick together.

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-twins

Mostly because they’re dressed as co-join twins. They do a lot together, including murder.

66. “Want to join us at the farm?”

90

They’re all decked in their pajamas like they’re having a slumber party. Though I’ll pass on this one.

67. This black cat lingers in the alley.

901

Sure they may look scary. But the 2019 trailer to Cats just makes it look tame in comparison.

68. Hello boys and girls, it’s Beppo the clown.

s-l400

For God’s sake, kill this infernal creature with fire. Before he kills somebody or gets in a daycare center.

69. Don’t want to run into these monsters even on a good day.

5380fadd8d3aea945607828307880306

They’re just kids in Halloween costumes. But the masks are simply spooky.

70. Don’t mess with these clown ladies.

26-Best-Vintage-Halloween-Costumes-Inspiration24

Mock their circus act and I swear they will rain fire and terror on you. Or they’ll just kill you in your sleep.

71. Skull girl just loves hanging among the flowers.

947e180a78cf67da32a107785603df2f-creepy-halloween-halloween-costumes

Hey, at least she’s not Rhoda from the Bad Seed. She wouldn’t kill anyone for trivial stuff like a penmanship award. But she will if you mess with her.

72. Why so sad, scarecrow?

a04b57335f3b5adba55e25e6ab2f50b9--creepy-vintage-vintage-halloween

Guy looks like a sagging and depressed muppet. And with bad fashion sense.

73. This witch is awfully fond of these little girls.

vintage-halloween-costumes-31

Wonder if that witch is in costume. But she shows eyes of ill intent.

74. Care for some clandestine greenhouse ritual?

be58156ab711a838c386f15f51450b3d

The kids seem like they’re dressed in their pajamas. The mom’s dressed as a witch.

75. Here’s a still from the new Joker movie.

haunted-clown

Well, that might be a little too early. But I’m sure he’ll grow up to be an unstable psychopath nonetheless.

76. Pretty short to have mustaches, don’t you think?

faf9cea126536f89948f9ff3499bffb5

One’s wearing a dress to indicate she’s clearly a girl. But these two seem like they’re silently judging you in those creepy masks.

77. “Here’s Toodles!”

f2923904e5275691c5b66af523164b4f

Seeing that clown hovering over that family sends shivers down my spine. Also, is he holding a gun?

78. “I just came here to pick up a few things like your soul.”

il_570xN.1626451553_srki

I can understand why that girl’s screaming. Still, kind of way too young for this Faustian bargain thing. I think there should be an age of consent for that.

79. Got you 4 little devils in a row.

halloween-costumes-69

They’re even all holding masks. But come midnight, they will wreak havoc on a murder spree.

80. These robots come from another galaxy.

Creepy_48cc17_6071176

But mess with them, they’re bound to exterminate you. They also have great fashion sense.

Advertisements

Ghastly Halloween Greetings in the Ghoulish Days of Old (Fifth Edition)

b1e6e953167fc5c29f1481c3460984d1

Now it’s on to the Halloween vintage cards. In these days, there seems to be a greeting card for almost everything. In the olden days, this was no exception except in regards to MLK Day because the great civil rights leader wasn’t born yet or any kind of holidays white people didn’t celebrate. Anyway, given that Halloween greeting cards are apparently still a thing, you shouldn’t be surprised to see plenty vintage ones. However, in many ways, the vintage cards usually tend to be crazier for various reasons. Some may be dated. Some may be inappropriate. Some may be racist. And some may contain imagery that doesn’t seem to fly today. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you another assortment of crazy vintage Halloween greeting cards.

  1. The moon doesn’t seem too happy these days.
4d367a1630c5345638057e649b441e5e--halloween-moon-happy-halloween.jpg

“Why the hell would leave a perfectly good office binder on my doorstep? Don’t they know they’re very expensive?”

2. “I wish you a jolly Halloween.”

10

And that’s not a safe way to hold a jack-o’-lantern, kids. Honestly, that’s a fire hazard.

3. Want to catch a jack-o’-lantern? Spread crumbs through a wagon, I think.

16

That way, he’ll be happy to tag behind you wherever you go. Still, how did anyone think this was a good idea?

4. This demon comes out to greet you from the jack-o’-lantern.

31 (1)

Seems kind of friendly for a creature of Hell. Guess it’s hot inside that jack-o’-lantern.

5. While mere mortals use jack-o’-lanterns as Halloween decoration, witches use them for broom headlights.

31e128e0ac0d73cd8ee602d23f9524e1

If it can talk, it doubles as a GPS system. Who knows how the characters in Harry Potter can do without them.

6. “O! Ghostly friend,/Thy hair’s on end/What fearful fate do you portend?”

678cadbca830b8067063525e0679d131

To be honest, the corn guy’s more likely freaking me out. Seriously, it just gives me nightmares.

7. “Whoo-oo  dares keep Halloween with me?”

726d423b708f54a8b718da7e0fff65be

The owl’s like, “I’ve got my eyes on you, floating pumpkin head.” Or something like that.

8. Feel free to sit down in your jack-o’-lantern bib.

865f6b242f2b1b5227da9d293b047568

Actually that bib’s kind of creepy if you ask me along with the jack-o’-lanterns on the top corners. Also, the girl seems like she’s slightly suffocating.

9. Don’t know if you want a bat pop up from a jack-o’-lantern.

898e29c0ceaa2af5ff0d39929a7b75b1

Seems like everyone in this is freaked out by this. Save for the black cat for some reason.

10. Even the pumpkins make out in the pumpkin patch on Halloween night.

39673-Vintage-Halloween-Card-Ca.-1930-s

Still, despite the inscription, how do pumpkins hug and kiss? Linus, can you answer me on this one?

11. Perhaps you might want to go as a skeletal bat for Halloween.

14937376_1217882641568058_5044743004282485113_n

Seriously, she’s dressed up as a bat that bit into a powerline. Kind of disturbing if you think about it.

12. “With all Hallowe’en Greetings.”

1403932732_aec27c4311_b

Yet, that owl’s watching the creepy pumpkin man follow the seeds from the woman’s contraption. Wonder if this was a thing back then.

13. Pumpkin head kids wish you a jolly Halloween.

ae772831a00a20ebc2196909e41b40b8

Oh, those creepy orange kids with one holding a poor cat. Makes me wonder if this is a childhood photo of Donald Trump. Wouldn’t surprise me.

14. Bet you don’t want a skeleton to get you.

early-1900s-vintage-halloween-cards

Are those monsters supposed to be goblins? Also, why is one riding a cat?

15. When a witch wants a kid to get off her lawn, she means it.

halloween1

Here she chases a kid with a jack-o’-lantern on a stick. And I thought witches ate kids. Then again, that may not be the case.

16. Forget brooms. The modern witch travels on a biplane of giant playing cards.

halloweencards15-1080x687

She even has a jack-o’-lantern on the front for navigation. And yes, it runs on owl power. But the cat’s kind of afraid of heights.

17. This Halloween, stay out of the cabbage patch.

halloweencards18-360x550

No, these aren’t the Cabbage Patch kids you remember. Actually this cabbage people make out scene is getting a bit out of hand.

18. “For ways that are dark and tricks that are vain. Watch out!”

halloweencards21-1080x697

Here a black cat sits with 4 scary jack-o’-lanterns. But at least they’re not lit, yet.

19. Everyone loves a Halloween costume party.

halloween-2880646_960_720

Though whether to dance with a medieval version of the Joker is another matter. Seriously, his costume’s kind of freaky if you ask me.

20. The black cat in a pumpkin has a letter for you.

halloweencards22-1080x689

Though the kid doesn’t seem to think twice about trusting the cat. Kind of looks hypnotized. Also, note the sticks under the pumpkin.

21. Riding a broom on an ear of corn gives a witch more seat room.

halloweencards23-1080x685

But make sure the ear is giant size and has bat wings. Also, I think she might drive using a sideways steering wheel.

22. On Halloween, fell free to hoist the jack-o’-lantern flag.

pretty-vintage-halloween-time-post-card-with-sweet-old-witch-lady-and-black-cat-with-pumpkin-flag-graphic-vintage-halloween-ca

Instead of a skull and crossed bones, this flag has a jack-o’-lantern and crossed candles. Yet, the witchy woman has a rather suggestive expression.

23. The jack-o’-lantern always watches outside.

halloweencards34-1080x704

So maybe playing naked outside at night is not a good idea. Not that it would be anyway.

24. Dancing pumpkin man wishes you a happy Halloween.

halloween-vintage-best-of-556-best-cards-halloween-vintage-2-images-on-pinterest-of-halloween-vintage

Unlike most depictions, he’s wearing a suit. Still, he’s guaranteed to inspire nightmares.

25. This little witch wishes you Halloween greetings.

scary-creepy-vintage-halloween-greeting-cards-1-high

Though I’m not necessarily sure that she’s sitting appropriately. This is especially since she has her skirt up.

26. It takes two to carry a large jack-o’-lantern.

untitled

Nonetheless, the jack-o’-lantern seems to have a mind of its own. As you can tell by the eyes.

27. For many, Halloween is a time of love.

untitled1

But since these kids have their hands on the jack-o’-lantern too long, the pumpkin’s starting to feel smushed. Seriously, they need their space once in awhile.

28. Wanna make some noise?

untitled6.png

Yet, the pumpkin guys sitting on the gourd are very unsettling to me. One doesn’t seem too happy with the girl blowing her horn.

29. Don’t look at the jack-o’-lantern in the barrel.

untitled3

Since there’s a rather creepy kid inside. And I don’t think the kid in front really wants to know.

30. Halloween greetings from the witch with a pumpkin fetish.

untitled4.png

Hey, it may not look the least bit normal. But at least she’s not making out with Donald Trump.

31. Be careful in a room with masks.

untitled5

Actually I don’t know why this woman can be in the same room with all these scary masks. Since they all look incredibly terrifying.

32. Ghost jack-o’-lantern wishes you happy Halloween on a broomstick.

wp-content2Fuploads2F20142F102FHalloween-cards13.jpg2Foriginal

The outfit’s rather translucent. Though the jack-o’-lantern doesn’t seem sure how to fly this thing.

33. “The joys of Halloween be yours.”

untitled8

Excuse me, but what the hell is Cupid doing here? This isn’t even his holiday. He’s Valentine’s Day.

34. Don’t be surprised to see double this Halloween.

vintage Halloween card complicated spell

You can see how the images mirror each other. While the jack-o’-lantern thinks it’s just crazy.

35. Hide all you want to, but you can’t fool the moon.

Vintage Halloween Cards (3)

To be fair these jack-o’-lanterns are rather creepy. But what are they doing behind that stack?

36. A witch and owl love hanging out together on the moon.

vintage-halloween-card1

That owl looks abnormally huge. Because most don’t grow that big. Yet, the witch doesn’t care.

37. There’s nothing on Halloween like making out in a jack-o’-lantern.

vintage-halloween-card22

First, that’s a major safety hazard since the clothes could catch on fire. Second, the cat and owl are basically like, “get a room, you two.”

38. The moon always knows a hot witch when it sees one.

vintage-halloween-card27

Here the moon gazes on the witch with a pervy smile. While the witch might want to blow out her candle so the moon doesn’t see her as well.

39. Now where did that slice of cake go?

vintage-halloween-card28

Yes, these creepy pupkin people have it for some reason. Maybe I’ll be okay without it. I’ll live.

40. Seems like her high beams are flashing.

vintage-halloween-card-retro-2

See what I mean about a jack-o’-lantern functioning has headlights on a broomstick. Why don’t they have that in Harry Potter?

41. Remember that witches will kidnap your children.

Vintage-Halloween-Cards-vintage-16379797-563-347

I don’t have a good feeling about these kids. Since witches are known to eat children. The boy doesn’t seem to mind though.

42. All kinds of demons can come out of a jack-o’-lantern.

Vintage-Halloween-Cards-vintage-16380109-320-500

Here it sits upon a sinister black cat. Must be magical because I can’t see how the cat can retain its balance.

43. An owl sits upon a glowing jack-o’-lantern holding an apple.

vintage-halloween-postcard-turn-of-the-century-10

Yet, the girl seems rather fascinated instead of freaking out. Because how can the owl get inside? And it can basically claw and peck you to death.

44. Here this woman sits on a jack-o’-lantern dressed as an owl.

Winsch-witch-postcard-copy

Yet, the giant jack-o’-lantern has a rather terrifying expression. Since even the cat’s freaking out.

45. You can always sit back on a jack-o’-lantern with a candle on Halloween.

wp-content2Fuploads2F20142F102FHalloween-cards5.jpg2Foriginal

The pumpkin’s glowing. While the cat is glaring at the viewer with malicious intent. Wouldn’t want to go near that thing.

46. Don’t look now but I think that jack-o’-lantern’s stoned out of its mind.

wp-content2Fuploads2F20142F102FHalloween-cards6.jpg2Foriginal

Not sure what’s in that pipe. But I also think the jack-o’-lantern’s looking up that woman’s skirt. That cat’s like, “Not cool, man.”

47. A campfire is always a graveyard smash.

wp-content2Fuploads2F20142F102FHalloween-cards7.jpg2Foriginal

And yet, one’s running away in fear, two are on top of each other, and the would’ve gotten a selfie to post on Instagram. Only trouble is that smartphones and Instagram aren’t around yet.

48. Happy Halloween by the demon child soldier.

wp-content2Fuploads2F20142F102FHalloween-cards8.jpg2Foriginal

Once you’re asleep, this little boy will come into your room with a knife and kill you. If you don’t take some time to lock your doors first.

49. Here a little witch picks up a name from the jack-o’-lantern.

wp-content2Fuploads2F20142F102FHalloween-cards11.jpg2Foriginal

Whoever’s name she gets, she’ll go to their house and turn them into a newt. And I’m not sure if they’ll get better.

50. Happy Halloween from behind the haystack.

wp-content2Fuploads2F20142F102FHalloween-cards14.jpg2Foriginal

Now that looks like a fire hazard waiting to happen. Wouldn’t be surprise if the jack-o’-lantern leads to the stack catching on fire and the boy burning to a crisp.

The Wonderful World of Album Covers (Sixth Edition)

sgt-pepper-s-lonely-hearts-club-band-albums-photo-1

Once again, I move on to album covers. Of course, who can remember the awesome design with the Beatles’ cover of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. You might recognize some celebrities the Beatles are standing with. Nonetheless, great album covers like this one are always remembered and treasured. However, since I’ve done a post like this for years, you get the idea that we’re not going on a nostalgia trip here. Instead, we’ll look at album covers that were long forgotten for some reason. And not because many didn’t have good music on the records. Some have aged terribly. Some are outrages. While some are just plain weird. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage album covers.

  1. La Wanda: MUTHA*Is Half a Word
Bad Album Covers (2)

For some reason, I have serious doubts she’s a virgin. Also, she should’ve known she was pregnant by now.

Apparently, this woman’s in for a real surprise.

2. Henri Salvador: Le Martien Count Basie: L’Inspiration Syracuse

Bad Album Covers (3)

I don’t understand the sci-fi concept behind this album cover. I mean the guy’s in blue make up with a weird diamond helmet.

Man, this Martian really creeps me out.

3. The Pinups: Wild Thing

Bad Album Covers (4)

Is that a dead hooker in the car? Okay, that’s really disturbing. Hell, this whole album cover is unsettling.

Don’t tell me they’re supposed to be prostitutes licking lollipops.

4. Dani: Dani

Bad Album Covers (5)

Apparently, being surrounded by clowns can put you in a rather terrifying situation. Also, why isn’t Pennywise in here?

Perhaps this woman has spent too much time with the circus.

5. Mirka Kodica: Bajo

bajo

Seriously, this guy kind of reminds me of those bad 1980s prom pictures. Funnier that he’s wearing a shiny striped suit with a stern expression.

When you have to resort to a backup outfit for your prom picture.

6. The Bee Gees: Life in a Tin Can

Bee-Gees-Life-In-A-Tin-Can

Of course, how they could fit in this old pop can, I’ll never know. Let’s not think about this one too hard.

Apparently, the Bee Gees haven’t been doing too well these days.

7. Brad Swanson: Brad Swanson Goes Hawaiian

BradSwanson

Still, the guy’s posing with women who look awfully young. While his eyes bear some ill intent. Don’t like where this is going.

So, how does Hawaiian organ music sound like?

8. Cerrone: Supernature

cerrone-supernature

Yes, the animal masks are freaky. But what the hell are they doing in a hospital operating room with a fake body on the gurney?

Beware of the animal masked people under the gurney.

9. Conway Twitty: I’m Not Through Loving You Yet

ConwayTwitty2

Since his wife left him, Conway’s fashion sense has gone out the window. He’s kind of bitter about the divorce. His wife’s got a lawyer and is suing him for half his assets.

Apparently, Conway’s going through a rough patch in his life.

10.  Def Leppard: On Through the Night

Def-Leppard

When we start settling Mars, we might have to train astronauts to be truck drivers. Not sure how that’s going to work out.

In the future, large semis will transport giant guitars in space.

11. The DeFranco Family featuring Tony DeFranco: Save the Last Dance for Me

DeFranco

Those 1970s haircuts certainly don’t help either. That one guy in the back knows how lame this photo op is.

Of course, everyone had to wear a top matching the background with a sequined animal on it.

12. Ed Ames: My Cup Runneth Over

EdAmes

Then again, to each his own. After all, Ed could really be a nice guy. But that doesn’t help his hairstyle.

You have to wonder what the blond woman sees in this guy.

13. Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Sings for You

Englebert

Actually he’s wearing a 1970s jumpsuit and a necklace. But yeah, he probably spent too much time at the tanning salon that day.

Released during a time when Humperdinck was moonlighting as an Elvis impersonator who spent too much time in a tanning salon.

14. The Gary Walker Singers: “I Shall Never Forget the Day.”

GaryWalker2

I mean the instruments consist of accordion, banjo, and electric guitars. Also, that one guy looks like David Hasselhoff.

So what genre is this supposed to be?

15. David Cassidy: The Higher They Climb

higher-they-climb

Here he jumps to reach a star in front of a large crowd of people. While he holds a white guitar in his hand that matches his jumpsuit. Don’t ask me who came up with this idea.

Didn’t know David Cassidy had the power of levitation.

16. Oscar Brand: Sports Car

Hilarious Album Covers (1)

Apparently, you can sit on it, too. As long as the long staff is well into your ass. Boy, that woman’s going to be sore. But for now, she’s reading like it doesn’t seem to bother her.

My, that’s one large tire jack.

17. Jean Carroll: Girl in a Hot Steam Bath

Hilarious Album Covers (2)

The one guy in the bathroom’s reading a newspaper with shoes and socks on like it’s nothing. While the women on the other side are checking him out.

Didn’t know they had unisex steam rooms.

18. Orel Turkbas: How to Make Your Husband a Sultan

Hilarious Album Covers (3)

Helps if you dress in a jingling bikini that resembles what Princess Leia would wear if Jabba’s palace was a disco. Yet, she doesn’t wear the long chain nor strangle a huge blob monster who used her frozen boyfriend as wall decoration.

A belly dancer shares her tips for wives to please their husbands in the bedroom.

19. The Singing Richey Family: I’m Going Home…To Watch the Flowers Bloom

Hilarious Album Covers (7)

I bet the mom’s like, “I shall call her Mini Me.” Hell, they’re wearing the same pink dress.

Apparently, big hair is an inherited trait.

20. Pedro Pinho and Paulo Pontes: Berrante Do Tempo

Hilarious Album Covers (8)

Man, these outfits are atrocious. Look at the pink top with gold sleeves. Is it 1970s or what?

When you and your buddy pose in the same space age outfit.

21. Tesura: Fruko y sus Tesos

Hilarious Album Covers (12)

They even have chain around a dog and one guy holds a big cigar. But badass they are not.

When your tough guy act goes absolutely nowhere.

22. Maria Luisa Landin: Con la Voy del Alma….

Hilarious Album Covers (13)

Seriously, why is her reflection appearing in the glass like that? Does she think she has something on her nose?

When you’re staring into a wine glass when your date doesn’t show up.

23. Rito Esclavo: Pedro Laza y sus Pelayeros

Hilarious Album Covers (14)

I mean she’s literally tied to a man by her wrists with rope. And she’s wearing a Sword-and-Sandal costume. So is she supposed to be dragged? Or is she kind of into it? Because I want to know how to feel here.

Is this supposed to be slavery or a kinky bondage routine?

24. Reb Allen: Country Hits

Hilarious Album Covers (17)

Still, I know they’re supposed to be prison stripes. But they kind of remind me of pajamas. Also how is he able to play guitar on the rocks?

During his stay in prison, Reb would provide the chain gang entertainment during long, hard days.

25. Gordon Calcote: Folsom Prison Blues

Hilarious Album Covers (18)

Nonetheless, I think the cover is more appropriate for “Prisoners of Love.” Also, this pen seems to have a very generous conjugal visit policy.

If you want a sexy version of this hit, we got you covered.

26. The Game Is Over Soundtrack

Hilarious Album Covers (19)

Yes, this a soundtrack from a forgettable Jane Fonda movie. Still, naked in the jungle, what can possibly go wrong with that?

Apparently, Naked and Afraid is older than I thought.

27. Il Medico…la Studentessa Original Film Soundtrack

Hilarious Album Covers (22)

Okay, it’s probably not a porn movie and I apologize to anyone offended. Still, I’m sure these two are about to play “doctor” at any moment. Seriously, look how the guy’s grabbing the woman’s leg.

Didn’t know they made soundtracks for porn films.

28. Alan Hale: Skipper Alan Hale’s Roman Orgy

Hilarious Album Covers (24)

Apparently, the cover implies that a Roman orgy’s just a fancy toga party. But it’s more like a hedonistic free for all with drinking, partying, and group sex.

Also known as the R-Rated version of Gilligan’s Island.

29. Pilz Band: Schtarch Sy

Hilarious Album Covers (25)

You’d almost think it was a 1980s version of The Office starring Jerry Seinfeld and Jason Alexander. Got to like that one guy’s shirt.

When your office band hits the big time.

30. Crosby, Stills, and Nash: Live It Up

live-it-up

So, how can you roast hotdogs on the moon? It has no atmosphere so you can’t light a fire. Oh, those guys are climbing on the sticks? Was the designer on drugs?

Spent roasting hotdogs on the moon.

31. Orrin Star: Fun Songs & Fancy Pickin’

OrrinStar

Heard that he was a musician and shop teacher by day. And a porn star by night during the 1970s. Naturally, him and Adrien aren’t on speaking terms.

Boy, Adrien Brody’s dad is incredibly lame.

32. Orion: Rockabilly

RockabillyOrion

He wears a mask because he’s fugitive from another state. Not what he did. Still, reminds me of a Will Ferrell SNL sketch for some reason.

This man seems to have an interesting Elvis impersonator routine.

33. El Baile Aleman: Senor Coconut y su Conjunto

senor-coconut

The one guy is framed in a star because he couldn’t make it to the photo session. But he wore the same outfit nonetheless.

Hope you enjoy the puffy sleeves.

34. Terri Gibbs: Over Easy

TerriGibbs2

Because “Terri” is a female rendition of that name. But the person kind of has a more masculine disposition. Then again, maybe Terri’s just gender fluid.

Is that supposed to be a woman or a guy wearing lipstick?

35. Elna Fredhoy og Rigmor Odum

The Worst Album Covers Ever Created (7)

Funny, how one could easily pass as Matthew McConaughey’s grandmother. Hope she plays alright, alright, alright.

One plays guitar. The other plays the accordion.

36. Quim Barriero: Recibe um Convite (A Casa Joquina)

The Worst Album Covers Ever Created (8)

Heard he got his start playing polka music at a nudist colony. Then again, he seems to have stripped all his clothes off.

Someone enjoys playing naked accordion.

37. Knuz Zopy3em

The Worst Album Covers Ever Created (17)

These guys have such blase expressions that they see no hope out of their boring and meaningless lives. Though I like that front man’s tie.

Featuring hit songs from this up and coming Soviet group. Just feel the excitement.

38. Kjell Kraghe: Vind I Seglen

The Worst Album Covers Ever Created (19)

And yet his clothes don’t seem the slightest bit wet. Then again, it’s photoshop.

Look out there’s a giant guy in a 1970s jumpsuit on the horizon.

39. “Whoopee” John Wilfahrt and his Orchestra: Dance Night

Whoopee

For God’s sake would you take the name Wilfahrt seriously? Also, that dancing couple seems all too happy.

Apparently, why they didn’t ask John Wilfahrt to change is name is a riddle for the ages.

40. Mijus Svetlana: Klik-Klak

worst_yugoslavian_album_covers_01

Well, maybe Russians don’t mind women not shaving. Since they’re probably more focused on trying to get by. Still, she looks pretty silly in that outfit. Also what are those strings with balls supposed to mean?

Is that armpit hair?

41. Buldozer

worst_yugoslavian_album_covers_02

So basically this cover consists of women mooning. I’m sure the moral guardians won’t be happy with that.

Apparently, these women decided to stick their butts to the window.

42. Jasar: Zena Moje Mladosti

worst_yugoslavian_album_covers_04

I mean the guy seems more right at home on Stranger Things. Also, is he smoking a cigarette?

Here this Yugoslavian singer poses for a photo like teenage boy on his way to prom in the 1980s.

43. Oliver Mandic: Probaj Me

worst_yugoslavian_album_covers_16

So is he supposed to be the Yugoslavian equivalent to David Bowie or Boy George? Also the name Mandic is hard to take seriously as an English speaker.

Here he sits on his red suitcase waiting for a ride while wearing his matching red leather suit.

44. Sneki: Ti Saluto Italia

worst_yugoslavian_album_covers_23

Then again, it kind of makes sense. Since Italians are into soccer and high fashion. Still, the woman seems like a snake lady to me.

Apparently, saluting Italy means having a sexy woman near a soccer goal.

45. Father Robert White: The Reverend in Rhythm

Worst-Album-Covers-Father-Robert

I think this might’ve become a meme. Still, I don’t think you can dance to that song listing. Also kind of reminds me of Matthew McConaughey for some reason.

Just a priest with a pipe who can play some tunes.

46. Jonah Jones: I Dig Chicks

Worst-Album-Covers-I-Dig-Chicks

Still, they shouldn’t be there. No, I don’t see anything wrong with women on a back hoe. But these women aren’t clad in the proper safety equipment. So they run a high risk of injury or death.

Apparently, someone doesn’t see anything wrong with these women being at construction sites for fan service.

47.  Barry Louis Polisar: I Eat Kids and Other Songs for Rebellious Children

Worst-Album-Covers-I-Eat-Kids

Seriously, why would anyone have a song about eating kids? Is this an album used to traumatize children?

I don’t think his baby appreciates the title.

48. Janet Greene: Country and Spanish Flavors

Worst-Album-Covers-Janet-Greene-Boobs

After all, she wouldn’t want anything to scald her uh, boobs. Yes, I get that her boobs get considerable attention on this cover.

Let’s hope she doesn’t spill anything on her chest.

49. The Happy Sound of Ragtime

Worst-Album-Covers-Ragtime-Whores

Because what makes a wholesome image of ragtime like seeing a fat rich guy being served by 2 hookers. Seriously, the woman’s putting some money in her stocking.

Available at an Old West brothel near you.

50. Trevor Crozier and Friends: Trouble Over Bridgewater

Worst-Album-Covers-trevor-crozier

Despite that nobody dresses like that nowadays. Still, I don’t think he’ll find any gold with this album.

He’s just an old prospector having a beer.

 

 

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Eighth Edition)

a1d856c5c4afe4d863ba46f12a42a64e

Though I usually do postcards before this time, I had some things going on for me during the summer that I didn’t do a lot of blog posts recently. Anyway, this October, my family and I plan on going to Charlotte to see my sister who lives there. We plan to stay for a weekend during the middle of the month. So perhaps I might want to get some old vintage postcards. No, not the ones you normally. More along the lines of those that come across as tacky, insane, weird, or laughably bad. Since we can all use a laugh now and then. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of terrible old timey postcards. Enjoy.

  1. Need to do a bit of landscaping?
tumblr_l5anrxja4C1qbyf2j

Cause you need the proper lawn implements and extension cord. Doesn’t hurt to do it in Bermuda shorts and flats.

2. Jane Irwill is designed to be lived in.

tumblr_lgdx9ry9qb1qbyf2jo1_1280

Jane enjoys singing on the mic. Kim wishes she’d stop and so she can steal the song from under her.

3. Want to advertise? Picture your product here.

tumblr_l5zuwq30721qbyf2j

Of course, they have to put a woman in a swimsuit for extra sex appeal. So I guess the product advertised here is the air mattress.

4. You can always enjoy going to the laundromat.

tumblr_l8ekfaGoMz1qbyf2j

Because you can’t necessarily afford a brand new washer and dryer. Hope you have plenty of coins and patience.

5. Nothing makes your day like wearing a colorful hat.

tumblr_l8ntdj96Yv1qbyf2j

But Susie thinks she looks like an idiot in hers. She wouldn’t even want to be caught dead wearing it at a Jimmy Buffett concert.

6. “Want to see my matching Wrap-Sak?”

tumblr_l8ucv9XS961qbyf2j

She’s talking about the robe. But it comes with a matching head towel to dry one’s hair. Still, despite having perfect hair, she doesn’t seem to like brushing it.

7. You’ll find these shakers easy to use.

tumblr_ln38exwmFB1qbyf2jo1_1280

Since they contain plastic lids you can easily open and close. Available in 4 different colors.

8. Take a look at these giant airplane controls.

tumblr_l9dqh0JzuF1qbyf2j

I don’t think these work by the way. But these women seem unusually impressed.

9. Anyone can look sexy in a long fur coat.

tumblr_l9l4jh9v361qbyf2j.jpg

Though we in the 21st century don’t really think so unless you’re living in a polar region. Still, the background is atrocious.

10. “Look, Mommy, I can vacuum all by myself.”

tumblr_l9rusoKxyr1qbyf2j

Of course, you’d never see me with my mom like that. Because I loathe vacuum cleaners. More like huddling in the corner with my ears covered.

11. “At Heinz we have more than 57 varieties around the world.”

tumblr_l47sdpolLU1qbyf2j

Though the world to them seems shaped like a giant football. Someone must’ve really messed up here.

12. “I just love painting my boat.”

tumblr_l48m2hLMjl1qbyf2j

Seriously, I don’t think people like painting anything. Nor do I think a swimsuit and sailor hat are proper painting attire.

13. R & R toys make them in all sizes.

tumblr_lhs38oSfzx1qbyf2jo1_1280

That penguin is way too big for that little girl. But she’s thrilled to have it just the same.

14. Slow down for the Tallahassee Safety Patrol.

tumblr_l90q5q9k3C1qbyf2j

So they stare at a wall in long rain coats. You can see they have a token female by looking at their legs.

15. Care for a duck lamp?

tumblr_l631zlGzEs1qbyf2j

Basically depicts a desert rock formation and two male mallard ducks flying. Wonder if anyone thinks they’re a couple. Then again, they could just be good friends.

16. With a propane grill, you can be the most talked about host in the neighborhood.

tumblr_l891jvV7Fj1qbyf2j

Maybe in the 1960s this guy might have some pride in his grill. However, I’ve seen way bigger and crazier grills than that at Home Depot.

17. There’s always room for a hairdryer.

tumblr_lopn4iLoLM1qbyf2jo1_1280

Though I don’t think this hairdryer is at all portable. Because I could hold one in my hand.

18. Get women’s attention with a Hollywood Wolf Whistle.

tumblr_lakblvEPe51qbyf2j

Guess it’s a horn you put on your car. Though I’m not sure if women will go for it.

19. Care for a fancy piggy bank?

tumblr_lawkkvkB7q1qbyf2j

Sure these porcelain piggy banks may be pricey and fancy. But they’ll keep your money safe by scaring the hell out of potential robbers.

20. Is your car seats falling apart. Get Shadburn’s Auto Upholstery?

tumblr_lb7nskPOv91qbyf2j

This ad was probably made on a budget. Also, the woman looks more disgusted than anything.

21. 4 Track storm windows will always protect your house.

tumblr_lbn9mvUuHP1qbyf2j

Presented by a woman who’s not wearing pants. So the viewer can see her legs in high heels and pantyhose.

22. Commemorate your baby’s first shoes by casting them in bronze.

tumblr_lbsx1kkgXG1qbyf2j

You can sue them as bookends, on picture frames, or on wall displays. Seriously, why would anyone do this?

23. Get the World’s Largest Match Book.

tumblr_lbuxd154pg1qbyf2j

From BAD POSTCARDS: “The name “Dick Sampson” is printed at the bottom right corner making it seem like this gal’s name is Dick. Why the Hawaiian-themed outfit? What’s with that hat/strainer thing? How many matches are in each World’s Largest Match Book? So many questions.”

24. These cushions will make your home a palace.

tumblr_lc7l6zhfUE1qbyf2j

Maybe a harem considering how the woman’s dressed. And she doesn’t seem too happy wearing her skimpy purple outfit.

25. No one can have enough pillows on the couch.

tumblr_leojgmxs9q1qbyf2jo1_1280

But Pauline has so many that she can only lie on her couch in this position. Still, they bring a lot of color on a dull gray couch.

26. Any kid would love these fuzz covered plastic creatures.

tumblr_lf8pl1LlAN1qbyf2jo1_1280

Maybe the dog in the middle. But the pig and bear seem quite terrifying to me.

27. Display your reports with Rediform.

tumblr_lfa23j4Qq71qbyf2jo1_1280

Who knew business can produce so much happiness? Probably someone who enjoys doing memos. Still, why does Miss Rediform even exist?

28. At Hewlett Packard, we have all kinds of machines.

tumblr_lhs2pcTBHr1qbyf2jo1_1280

Though this woman in her lab coat has little idea on how many of these machines work. Since they require all kinds of gears and screws.

29. Any man looks sharp in a gray suit.

tumblr_lhvdamJWNI1qbyf2jo1_1280

Even Trevor the neighborhood psycho killer. Any young woman dating him on any given night is never seen again since.

30. Kids are always proud to stand in their long raincoats.

tumblr_lkn8umQyaH1qbyf2jo1_1280

For these boys like to show off all the different colors. Though a few of them look like they’re dressed in trash bags.

31. Have a pen stand that’ll suit your tastes.

tumblr_lkwp8u9ruq1qbyf2jo1_1280

Available in 2 big varieties. One is what can resemble your kid’s art project at school. The other are nightmarish depictions of cartoon characters that can scar you for life.

32. A water softener is a girl’s best friend.

tumblr_lo1m8fXgyl1qbyf2jo1_r2_1280

I don’t think most little girls would say that. Since most of them don’t know what the hell a water softener is.

33. Breathing problems? Have this Monaghan Life Saver on you.

tumblr_lsq1qzQrbj1qbyf2jo1_1280

This looks like a something you’d attach to a respirator. Wonder if you should just go with an inhaler instead.

34. Christmas is always a time for cheer.

tumblr_lw95fqXP441qbyf2jo1_1280

From BAD POSTCARDS: “‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND THE WEIGHT OF SANTA’S CARCASS ON THE ROOF TOTALLY CRUSHED OUR HOUSE.”

35. Take a slice of Ohio Swiss cheese?

tumblr_lwgnv305uB1qbyf2jo1_1280

The cheese looks like plastic to me. But at least it comes with saltines.

36. Hey, look, twins.

tumblr_lwuoatIeCO1qbyf2jo1_1280

Caption: “A NATIVE ALASKAN DARLING dressed in fur parka, trimmed with white fox and her best friend, a Semoyian Puppy.” Still, I don’t buy the girl being an Alaskan native due to her blue eyes, blond hair, and white skin.

37. Keep your lawn maintained with a red riding mower.

tumblr_lyqoesNQ5m1qbyf2jo1_1280

Don’t look now. But Barry’s waving to Myrtle and her son Jack. Little does Jack knows what’s really going on between Barry and his mom.

38. Perhaps you might want something from Australia.

tumblr_m1pbjiL3Se1qbyf2jo1_1280

Most of these are stuffed animals. Yet, you’ll find a boomerang and a hat to wear in the Outback. Still, where’s the diggery-doo?

39. Store your ingredients in these Tupperware canisters.

tumblr_m2f8ezvywA1qbyf2jo1_1280

Great for hiding the weed in. But don’t let anyone know that or they’ll call the cops.

40. Any girl would delight in these “Mama” dolls.

tumblr_m3vkxkMTeN1qbyf2jo1_1280

On second thought, unless you want to traumatize a little girl in your life, I advise against giving her one of these. Seriously, they’re straight from the realm of nightmares.

41. A straw hat should always have flowers on them.

tumblr_m5opw1JS5I1qbyf2jo1_1280

Yet, none should don a disembodied woman’s head. Because that’s just disturbing. Available in multiple colors and styles.

42. Water your plants with this KWH mistblower.

tumblr_m7d24ahuef1qbyf2jo1_1280

It’s so safe your kids can use it and look like they’re vanquishing their enemies with space age weapons. Said to have deep penetration, steady output.

43. Got a boring house? Just add awnings.

tumblr_m7zay2mGOj1qbyf2jo1_1280

Actually, the awnings really don’t do anything. Home still looks quite dull. Maybe it needs a paint job.

44. Your lawn can look like this.

tumblr_m8wgbyLBeo1qbyf2jo1_1280

Just add a lawn sprinkler and mow it regularly during the warmer months. Well, as long as you live in California. If you live where I do, it’s not necessary. Also, you won’t have palm trees.

45. Reach for the moon.

tumblr_m9zks3BVKp1qbyf2jo1_1280

So they were raising money just so three guys can go to the moon? Just save steadily here, I guess. Seriously, this makes no sense.

46. Any little one would enjoy riding a large polka-dotted horse.

tumblr_manllpCutl1qbyf2jo1_1280

Though the toy horse kind of looks kind of terrifying. Like the purple swan, though.

47. You can’t go boating without a portable minifridge.

tumblr_mbbnb4snXB1qbyf2jo1_1280

Even to today’s minifridges, this is extravagant. Even includes a freezer.

48. Simple Simon goes near the barbs.

tumblr_mbqhqpiOZP1qbyf2jo1_1280

From BAD POSTCARDS: “Picking your nose is especially grand/When you have a pipe cleaner for a hand.”

49. “Seeing things in Linden, Tenn.”

tumblr_mcav04tOSg1qbyf2jo1_1280

They’re basically going with “our town sucks so here are some pictures of cute animals.” At least that’s how I see it.

50. Perhaps you’d like a modern minibar.

tumblr_mcekw1nMlb1qbyf2jo1_1280

It’s basically a desk for alcoholics. Includes a cocktail shaker and shot glasses.

51. Everyone can use some paper towels.

tumblr_mcelz1yccC1qbyf2jo1_1280

I’ve seen those paper towel dispensers at school. Let’s just say I don’t have nice things to say about them.

52. Dualette Sylvania is the big-screen TV that simply moves with you.

tumblr_mcgcpvuZqh1qbyf2jo1_1280

From BAD POSTCARDS: “Carries his portable tube to upscale events. Sexy.”

53. The Tit twins will always boost your business.

tumblr_mcimyfgELc1qbyf2jo1_1280

BAD POSTCARDS comment: “Amazing. I wanna see one go up in flames when the motor grease drips onto the controller and an overloaded circuit sparks a fire. And it would still be moving .”

54. Greetings from Kansas.

tumblr_mciwgm0OyV1qbyf2jo1_1280

Don’t worry about the coyote at the fence. It’s taxidermy so it won’t hurt you, But it will haunt your dreams.

55. Thin mints or merry mints?

tumblr_mctcynWgNr1qbyf2jo1_1280

The merry mints come in all kinds of colors. Though I’ll just stick to the thin mints, especially the Girl Scout variety.

56. Nobody could resist a baby doll like this.

tumblr_mekg4nO0711qbyf2jo1_1280

For the love of God, kill it with fire. Since I guarantee it’ll haunt your dreams.

57. “Portraits become precious beyond price.”

tumblr_mh712cD6xe1qbyf2jo1_1280

Here little Emily marvels at all the people she’s killed while she maniacally laughs. It’s a sight of horror that knows no bounds.

58. Someone wants to paint the house today.

tumblr_mit7gc3eZ71qbyf2jo1_1280

But letting a dog help isn’t really a good idea. Still, hope they don’t mistake the paw prints for something more sinister.

59. Perry’s Nuthouse offers free Maine Bear hugs.

tumblr_mvdwb1wYTf1qbyf2jo1_540

Don’t worry the bear here’s made from wood. A real black bear would simply maul you and leave you for dead.

60. This dog is out on the town.

tumblr_mhhxjfUY6w1qbyf2jo1_1280

Though the dog’s expression doesn’t match the saying on the post card. Still, like the lamp posts.

61. Perhaps you might want to stay in a hotel room like this.

tumblr_n0zrggEVSv1qbyf2jo1_1280

Man, that’s really tacky. The pink isn’t bad but the wallpaper is just frightful.

62. “I trust Duraclean for my rugs.”

tumblr_np8svqk6YE1qbyf2jo1_540

From BAD POSTCARDS comment: “I cherish my French heirloom carpets so much I don’t even let anybody walk on them! ;)”

63. Anyone in the mood for water ski?

tumblr_owzq642Uws1qbyf2jo1_1280

By the way, this postcard is from Wisconsin. Yes, Wisconsin. Don’t ask me why.

64. Arachnaphobes, abandon hope all ye enter here.

tumblr_oyovl1K1QO1qbyf2jo1_1280

Because people will be freaked out by a giant spider. This is from an Arizona amusement park.

65. Fall is thrashing time.

tumblr_p09jwbLEo81qbyf2jo1_1280

Meaning that it’s time to harvest the hay and put them in bales. Still, the scenery doesn’t really excite me.

66. Wonder why nobody’s visiting this campground.

tumblr_p09jz2s2zl1qbyf2jo1_1280

Maybe because there’s a skunk lurking around. Though it only sprays when threatened.

67. This guy better wake up before that pheasant runs away.

tumblr_p020mbx2BE1qbyf2jo1_1280

Because birds don’t stay around forever. Still, not sure if he can shoot well with a bow and arrow.

68. Feel free to sit on the world’s largest chair.

tumblr_p021i8DYWY1qbyf2jo1_1280

I’m sure nobody could really sit on it. Still, it’s a great way for this town to attract tourists.

69. Don’t feel bad. Things could be worse.

untitled.png

Not sure about having dogs in jail though. Also, are they supposed to be in Mexico?

70. Sometimes you have to let yourself go.

untitled1

Though this just overdoes it. Her bra’s even showing from her falling dress.

I Want You to View These Vintage Wartime Propaganda Posters (Fourth Edition)

f553f0801ced494feb994d87fdcda9d1.jpg

Over the years around the 4th of July, I have done annual posts on propaganda posters. Mostly I use American wartime posters from the early 20th century. Mostly because their artistic quality is way better than those in the 19th century. Nonetheless, their presents appears to loom large since they were once seen everywhere to encourage the war effort. So it’s no surprise that so many became icons of pop culture. However, given that these were made decades ago, you’ll find plenty that haven’t aged well for some reason. Some may be racist. Some may be sexist. Some may depict very backward attitudes. Others may have terrible artwork and weird facial expressions. So for your reading pleasure I give you another assortment of vintage propaganda posters. Enjoy.

  1. Send your trash to the US military for war stuff.
a7587b6c1e5ec0628ae2633bacdacadc

Well, at least it’s recycling. Though it’s applied to a rather sinister purpose.

2. Want to support the troops? Reduce your food intake.

0e73068866d00c5b47319da285b7978c.jpg

After all, soldiers, sailors, and marines need to eat, too. So best you might want to cut back on portion sizes.

3. Defend your country. Or else black guys will ravish your women.

0f6449783b1f16d47319e7dd4550ff8b

This is a WWII Italian poster evoking a common racist trope against black guys raping white women to stoke white people’s fears. And you can tell this is targeted toward Americans despite that black people served in multiple allied armies thanks to colonialism.

4. Buy war stamps to keep the Hun out.

1a5bf4dc810f9a27afe0ca3c6ce342b5

Still, I wonder how he could get through the window without bumping his helmet. Also, the blood on his bayonet might mean he’s out of ammo and is willing to kill again.

5. Are you a lady who can drive? Volunteer as a military driver.

1b93cc7cb3f9207182c9a88e812a0b8e

Still, I’m not sure if wearing a skirt that long is practical for being behind the wheel. Might get tangled. Also, you don’t want to go to the Western Front.

6. Germany is a place of manly strength.

1eee69bf8e0e1d187c890195a097e3b5

Nonetheless, compared to the guys you see in superhero movies, this man is kind of scrawny. Also, holding a torch naked doesn’t seem to fly.

7. Hey, sailors, no need to be stingy in the mess hall.

3fd99af19251eef1326b6be86fa30010

Because you may not know when you’ll have your next meal. Still, military food doesn’t have a great reputation so make do with what you got.

8. Don’t let the shadow of Nazism touch your kids.

4cef1a00e03c21fe52377d42e58a88db

Then again, it might be too late if you kid’s a neo-Nazi. Still, the swastika hovering over them is menacing.

9. Josef Stalin’s like, “Take that Hitler.”

5f209a96a355a4b56a20816df39459b7

Despite the fact that Stalin made the near fatal mistake of trusting Hitler when the war started. Still, this is kind of funny that it’s hard to take it seriously.

10. War dogs are ready for trouble.

6fe0ad0f12ebe83aa74766d8a4931ffd

Though you wouldn’t tell it by this dog’s face. Still, apparently, dogs can also be as disillusioned with carnage of war as people.

11. Are you a responsible civilian man? Volunteer as an air raid warden.

7bf36cdd2be18f16610038f233712176

However, like this guy, you’ll feel ridiculous to wear a hat with your business suit. Yeah, he doesn’t seem very happy.

12. Don’t get left behind with VD.

8e421f5cb841f1e590a735ad255c7351

Because we all know that STD-infected men make bad soldiers. So keep it in your pants for freedom.

13. Let’s hit the Axis leaders square in the ass.

9a9a656999825cce1794631f39b4edb4.jpg

Since we’re making weapons for victory. So every time you make a bombshell, you’re getting rid of Fascism.

14. Britain has always come from proud generations of fighting for freedom.

9cea6a2d26ee1bf9b848a63e19ecece6

Except, much of the time they were usually the guys who most people were fighting against for freedom. Why do they not have an independence day?

15. Join the US Army for we build men.

9e383ab404e4178a86e6285172a51a75

So you can put your lives on the line so you can either die, come home a mangled mess, or spend the rest of your life marred with PTSD. Yeah, not a pleasant experience.

16. Keep on the job and turn D-Day to V-Day.

13a333ffedc4a5b3e12c507e93c82a44

Yes, you want to see that Nazi surrender don’t you? Though this guy appears to have the same sullen face like he doesn’t mean it.

17. Servicemen fed courtesy of the Salvation Army.

14e7529c3becf71e9ededd2ac6847d63

So they even serve food for the troops? Thought they just do charity work and raise money during the holiday season.

18. Factories are the big guns on the home front.

18c58ed70a071d49ed74895bc60fb52e

However, I’m sure those smokestacks have horrible emissions. Way to contribute to climate change.

19. Shut off that light so they won’t see us.

36e6376313204c26b2b844611765ca4b

Because you don’t want Germans destroying your house. And let’s just say, that happened a lot in WWII Britain.

20. Our labor and our goods are meant for fighting.

38d0782a2f32a99e745d6fccaa512aac

Still, perhaps you might not want to sew a guy’s pants while he’s working. Cause that’s kind of inconvenient.

21. Want to help with the war effort? Join the school garden army.

39e688494eceb83e960ace2f14c2d422

Where you can learn about horticulture by growing veggies for those in uniform. Though I don’t think a skirt is practical for plow work.

22. Don’t forget to give generously to help sustain Russia.

40aa65babfecd5d9b1cc097924d30a5f

However, once the war’s over, stop donating money to the Russians. Since they’re our enemies and we’re fighting a nuclear arms race with them.

23. China is the first to fight so support it.

42b48a8ee650a14fb43e957606fc0516

Until after the war when the factions will resume their ongoing civil war and the Communists take over. Let’s just say things will get worse under Chairman Mao.

24. Behold all the people the Brits have terrorized.

45e57fbd7316f6079d79f0cb1d1b0eaa

Well, this Italian WWII poster isn’t wrong since the British have inflicted a lot of death and destruction in the name of imperialism. However, we must understand this was made under Mussolini’s Fascist rule.

25. France is burning. Send help for the Red Cross.

472f30fe177cb17d19648215b0f3cc0d

Since what kind of person wouldn’t want to help this pretty nurse? Still, France will face worse in WWII.

26. Supporting the war effort has always been a tradition for American women.

4.2.7

They just do different things like sew or drill rivets. Still, after the war, the latter lady will have to give her job to a man.

27. Blood means life for defense so donate today.

62b2e54168a8fe014bada835b7a37a01

Offer not available for black people. Because the American Red Cross was racist at the time.

28. Soldiers caught in hellscape? Someone must’ve talked.

75a2232a9337d77f9f3f07bd92ec405e

Not sure if that’s the case most of the time. Since war’s all no matter what you do within it.

29. Yes, daddy helps build those plans indeed.

79f213853aa7d97e2edab4a9b0dd0f3b

The kids looking up kind of remind me of dolls from a horror movie. Kind of wish the planes shoot them down already.

30. War stamps are full of Vitamin “V.”

92c681f0644492cc01816afab05ea391

This kid appears like a budding serial killer who’d slit your throat in a dark alley. Avoid him at all times.

31. Canadians, get your teeth into the job.

92ce478c9ea8ace1f772a4821aaad9c1

Looks like Hitler climbed up the wrong tree. Since the Canadian beaver’s chopping like a storm.

32. Are you a boy under 18? Join the Victory Boys.

94ec40c97c949127e887e884310c7f28

This is an auxiliary unit for teenage boys to support soldiers. Yet, while our troops fight over there, they’re mostly doing care packages on the home front.

33. Produce your limit to stop the Axis Powers.

96cde86a5d30778d751639fd30c88230

This one depicts a monster with Hitler and Hirohito heads and smashing the Statue of Liberty. Yes, that’s Fascism to you.

34. Beware of the monstrous Liberators.

652d9d228c5af3ee750306d07e7a57c3

This is a rather crazy Nazi propaganda poster from WWII. Seems assembled with everything the Nazis hated about the US but comes off as utterly ridiculous that it’s hard to take seriously.

35. Apparently, we got some sort of a traffic jam.

751eb67a5bace75eedc5716f2030008a

This one is supposed to encourage people to use less sugar in their jellies. But the jam parade is utterly freaky.

36. In war, it’s best you watch what you say over the phone.

920ccc00348100f0145ce313f264c0d3

For all you know, Hitler could be listening in. And you don’t want that, do you?

37. Even the walls have ears during wartime.

991b98fcb4d55e869dcc6290c8d7e1e6

Man, these propaganda posters might make you paranoid after awhile. And yes, you can have Nazis living next door, which is pretty scary.

38. Join a balloon barrage squadron to secure our nation.

1049e1ccccf21fe981388bb8dc1e3f68

For one, those blimps fell out of favor after the Hindenburg crash. Second, more or less resembles a crazy steampunk cover.

39. Enlist in the Navy to help your country.

4129a4358021751b442f7d319abdd4cf

I don’t know about you. But that naval captain seems like he’s tied to a net. Oh, that’s just his outfit.

40. You don’t want to call off work over syphilis do you?

04743b3bb3e19763772e5d4c8e1f2ca8

Yes, STDs are a bitch. So use protection or just keep it in your pants. Else, you lose your pay.

41. Behold, send in the Norwegian Legion.

7923b064a3bf978f19860dcccb606a65

This guy seems like he wants to retreat but doesn’t have the confidence to. And now he realizes he’s in deep shit.

42. Wanted: 500,000 men to the Western Front. Your country wants you.

09672e3b64fc5c9482cfdd2bd7e5f8b8

That bald guy looks cartoonishly freaky, I’d pass on that. Seriously, the guy is the stuff of nightmares. Then again, anyone who refuses will get drafted anyway.

43. Don’t let the imperialist menace take away your babies.

42626a6e74a9021d2cf89432c019540b

Yet, another poster from Axis Italy during WWII. Here death comes in Allied form and takes away a crying mom’s baby. Seems more fitting on a horror movie poster.

44. What are you waiting for, Canada?

1862580b0872232697b5825134442230

Okay, Canada did participate in World War II and many servicemen and women sent there served with distinction. Notable example: James Doohan from Star Trek. Still, that guy’s face is too priceless to take seriously.

45. Buy war savings stamps to save your kid from autocracy and poverty.

183921196c9e8b8a8b75884ec13a380e

Unfortunately, since we have the Trump Administration in power, your best bet is to vote for a Democrat for 2020. War saving stamps won’t save you today.

46. From the American Revolution to WWII, Americans have always fought for liberty.

816406380a01cd796a313853eb074d09

Well, that’s sort of true to an extent. Though Native Americans would beg to differ since we know what happened to them.

47. Be careful: telling a friend may mean telling an enemy.

876649957aad18efdc0222e1d832e9b2

Now they’re telling us we can’t trust our friends. That our friends may be Nazis? Oh wait.

48. Ask yourself are you supporting the war effort with all you can?

a5bbbd197067375b886437f60a8da5ce

Well, that’s a good question with no easy answers. And you can see where it’s all headed to.

49. Put everything you can in this drive and keep on firing.

abbdefe89937d70f87baeaa4ee9f52dc

Yet, I don’t understand the use of golf metaphors. But keep swinging at Hitler.

50. When do we get Hitler? It’s up to you.

b61b08787ebad901ff5eb953b18f8a19

And the bombers seem to come after him right on schedule. Despite that he’ll shoot himself and his wife in a Berlin bunker in 1945.

51. For a quicker victory, we must do our part.

b224addb1f3908d67586cfb6e5ae562f

Yeah, but we won’t achieve victory until 1945. So that’s 2 years off which will take some large scale invasions and 2 atom bombs.

52. Let beaver and lion join in pursuing victory.

b706f9c8b9ddde3f7f2b0bc08c9415ee

Yes, this is for Canada during WWII. Apparently, Canada was still part of Great Britain by then as far as this poster is concerned.

53. Pull for victory by helping us crack the world’s biggest nut.

bd8844d4b70fbc5757b33d820addcce6

That’s Hitler by the way. But in the 1940s, he has some stiff competition with Mussolini, Stalin, Franco, and Mao.

54. As long as you keep it under your hat, the soldier will be safe.

beb995823ea5e28aa1c327fd272eab66

For careless talk costs lives. So don’t trust anyone with state secrets.

55. How will you save a life during Red Cross Week?

c690e24d1782e2b1b373192b7b8a447e

For humanity’s sake, choose civilization over barbarism. Also, stay away from Trumpism since it’s basically an American variation of fascism.

56. Crowing is an easy way to lose the war.

c938af1173acf87773bcd8b360940542

See the Axis leaders listening in to the rooster. Though you won’t get much intelligence from him. Unless he’s using a special rooster code.

57. Don’t forget to smack Hitler during your afternoon work.

c4050dbe80e8e89c87e6991df55ec425

Sure, these women work part time. But they don’t put up with Nazis.

58. Beware of the snake of Fascism.

cd2fc84d19e81cfc72a27e7c23d360f0

Though given the language it’s in such as Spanish, I’m not sure who we’re supposed to root for. Are we supposed to be for the snake or the naked guy with the hammer?

59. Support your country. Dig for victory.

d1baee3e73cbfceb3c2470a16cc29c25

But would you trust a small child with a hoe and shovel? Not sure if I would.

60. You can’t win without women at war.

d2d1146124b86337376010a1e4192ca8

Indeed, someone has to make the bombs. And the young men need to be on the front lines. So….

61. Buy war savings stamps to share in the victory.

d7de5e716ad8d2f031154f8f8bcfa722

So the angel has a sword in one hand and an olive branch in the other. So invest in war and relish in the peace.

62. Government training schemes come with paid allowances. So train to win.

d74e9458ee237f7a6736fb1a8ccd3a71

Though they really should use background checks. Since this guy seems to resemble the neighborhood psychokiller.

63. Use your blow torch to make a grilled cheese.

dc65ca08f3b5b4f61ab517e35eb2c214

I’m sure that would work. But you really shouldn’t trust me with a blowtorch.

64. Defending American freedom is everyone’s job.

ddf57e1150b5758e9e564deefeb0e0a7

Here Uncle Sam puts on a more utilitarian hat so he won’t get his star-spangled top hat dirty. Though he doesn’t seem to be in prime condition.

65. Steel, not bread for the conquered.

e8a0f7a3006119cef131c548ea59a960

You can see the knife has a swastika on the handle. Though the conquered can also use bread, too.

66. Are you in the British war effort?

e620c663d266cdbf18797bee49df7d8a

The guys on the top go into the trenches. The others below stay on the home front. Be the folks at the home front.

67. The Patriotic Service League is America’s third line of defense.

e896c2e7884d633609f42238d2df774a

You can tell it’s from World War 1 since it says “Confront Prussia.” Prussia had ceased to exist as a country in the 1870s. It was Germany then.

68. Remember folks, war traffic must come first.

e90257506b6a3ca7619e9a6a278068f8

Because in a time of war, the trains must run on time. Our servicemen’s lives depend on it.

69. Buy war bonds. They’re waiting.

f0b3b038ebb78dbc5f4560b5dd6d7d3d

If you don’t, the kid and the dog dies from a bombing. Just saying.

70. Buy war stamps to keep the planes fighting over the ocean.

f7e3877fae1c31b4f9bff384d792f1dd

Because we’ll need to a ton of planes to deal with those Japanese Zeroes. Still, the Pacific front is a real shitshow.

71. Your blood can save this soldier.

f16dccabe496f717c50ba98a144a4fa2

Blood donation offers available to white people only. Because 1940s America is under segregation where blacks in the South are effectively disenfranchised.

72. Russian bricklayers are willing to do their part.

f92b9740dd1216a5939e088e273cba11

Though this guy seems more likely to drop one on you. Make sure he’s not above you or you’ll live to regret it. If you live at all.

73. Cut down on the carbs and take down the Kaiser.

f513a09e4f7eea9442ff1cc7bd8765a9

Because the troops need food to take down those U-Boats. But WWI will be won in the trenches.

74. During wartime, create make your own victory home.

4.2.7

So this means getting war work, raise and share food, walk and carry packages, conserve everything, and save 10% in war bonds. Some of this can apply to fighting climate change.

75. The American Junior Red Cross are builders of a new world.

f81742c9d5dfcc0bc71a17a8f541f50d

Though lately, the American Red Cross has been under a lot of scrutiny. Since they haven’t had a great reputation in recent years.

76. Arise women, your country needs you.

faae31e6da434b3b3a8a132cb3568493

And after you’re done, you might get the vote with the 19th Amendment. But don’t ask for it now.

77. Someone’s absent. Is it you?

John-Bull

What’s unsettling about this is that John Bull kind of resembles Donald Trump in a top hat and Union Jack vest. Makes me want to puke.

78. Do your part to help your country and make these planes fly.

01fd639ecb552a38f27e1b483df1eb99

Note that if you serve on a bomber plane, you don’t have very good survival odds. So write your last will and testament while you can.

79. Stay away from the red light district.

1b34d4cf548ad0039c6e6655a2c57cec

Notice how the prostitute’s depicted like a skeleton? That’s because she’s riddled with STDs.

80. Want to help defend America, ladies? Join the SPARS.

1d36d6024da574eb079d4856e3f83656

Guess that’s the female auxiliary to the Coast Guard. Yet, they show a woman wielding a shotgun in front of a covered wagon on the Oregon Trail. Bet she lost someone to dysentery.

81. Best keep your mouth shut since spies can be anyone.

2a7cc31de848ddba9aa08b11cd5c3838

Note Hitler behind. So he has people listening around since he’d like an easy victory.

82. Express your thanks to the Merchant Navy.

2cb973d125947512183014980649de18

They don’t get appreciated for their work that much. But without them, the troops would have nothing. Still, it would be better to depict sailors than guys in business suits.

83. Join the Marines so we can smack ’em down.

3b2891d03b8b11657dc917ec4bc24347

And yes, they have flyers like the Army and Navy. Make sure he’s not on a bomber or he’s probably history.

84. In France, gold fights for victory.

3d9fcae0bd74d576a82c137bda482032

And the rooster on the gold coin won’t let the soldier forget it. Also, chickens aren’t cowards since they can rip your freaking face off if you provoke them.

85. Ladies, join the WAVES to make your parents proud.

5c8f0be30004ad4a8c1bd62e347d3f4b

Since little Jimmy is too young to serve. While you just want to get as far from your parents as you can.

86. Britain expects national service.

5e6f1dc04663ac1536e2da2930fcc6f4

And here you see Athena with a Union Jack over a military base. Sure won’t protect against German bombings.

87. If you can’t go across, come across by buying bonds.

9b16db8db1d1d63d1b21103204a7b1ce

However, I pity the ship who gets this seaman. Since he has that killer instinct and probably tortured animals as a child.

88. Don’t let American GIs pistol whip innocent Italian children.

9bbad69bc9036ad758f91d8019ed5afb

Yes, this is another Fascist Italian poster. And yes, Americans aren’t depicted in a sympathetic light.

89. Want to be a ship’s officer? Join the Merchant Marines.

17b97eb658262d9c41b044d13371946d

For the guy who wants to do his part but doesn’t want to see combat. Seriously, Mr. Roberts is basically a war movie without battle scenes since merchant marine service is the boring side of war.

90. Beach fronts are only reserved for the Master Race.

39faae2f3999f26b648f53df098209a7

You’d almost think this was a vacation photo of the Malfoys. Except the Malfoys are pale while the dad seems like he’s related to the Trump family.

91. Join the Scottish War Savings Committee for honor’s sake.

71bd96fb2816ea2688405fc30875d894

They may bomb our lands. But they’ll never take our Freeeedom! Okay, I have to include at least one reference to Braveheart.

92. You defeated the Germans. Now defeat VD.

73cea97e24b62630dc737408a7385b8c

Because there’s gonna be a lot of it. So if you have an STD, keep it in your pants.

93. Apparently, France will be on fire soon if we don’t act now.

288bc27d6df50cadeba300b79c16354c

Wonder what war is this for. Judging by the guy’s uniform, it might be straight out of the 19th century. Perhaps the Franco-Prussian War.

94. Slaughter a bunch of Russians, you’ll get an Iron Cross.

390ed817af57f8fe4769e3202e72acea

Luckily, the Germans didn’t have much luck in Stalingrad. And Stalingrad marked the turning point in WWII. Sorry, D-Day fans.

95. Britishers need you so come across now.

0450afb7b16c961a5caab2bb2b621cc6

After all, the US and Britain are close. And the US is kind of leaning on the Allies. Though they won’t decide until Pearl Harbor. Or Lusitania since I might be talking about the wrong war.

96. Are you Irish and Canadian? We got a unit for you.

9593de007f2a8dff50b8818f27e6c18f

By the way, they’re recruiting in Montreal. You know a major city in Quebec, where they speak French. Wonder what’s weird about this.

97. Since Pearl Harbor, we’re all in this together.

288322c85d193d6f4ff1766edfc9027f

Notice the big red letters designed to grab your attention. Still, we’re all in this together. So dump Trump from the White House once and for all in 2020. Please, I’m begging you.

98. The military still has a place for you.

84917611

But if you haven’t joined already, don’t bet on avoiding the draft. We can’t all afford to get temporary bone spurs.

99. Appreciate America and stop the 5th Column.

b24b40b4a110b7adaebf7b132c31352b

Because we must resist foreign propaganda. Whether it’s Nazi tirades or fake Russian websites and Twitter accounts.

100. Remember that a night with Venus could mean a lifetime of Mercury.

d7c00194bfefccbe8a8b4882c67862af

So unless you got condoms on you, you might want to keep it in your pants, soldier. Yes, STDs are a bitch.

Easter Greetings from the Days of Yesteryear (Fifth Edition)

4ef22a15fd435cb0f72c94218310f317--colored-eggs-vintage-cards.jpg

Now that I have the peep dioramas out of the way, it’s time for old Easter cards. Though you might see plenty of them with beautiful illustrations like this ornate basket with Easter eggs, you’re not going to see any of that on this post. Instead, you’ll see old Easter cards lost to time for one reason or another. Mostly because their imagery seems to defy all explanation. But some of them are kind of inappropriate or just plain weird. While some of them contain traditions that are very unfamiliar to many of us. Let’s just say you won’t see any of these images on a Hallmark greeting card anytime soon. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy old timey Easter greeting cards. Enjoy.

  1. Looks like this witch took a wrong turn.
0Yeen

There’s a tradition in Scandinavia of Easter witches. I know it’s kind of messed up. Still, you’ll be seeing more of these on this post.

2. Perhaps chicks like to reminisce about old times.

3bbb16035e9326c1a6fcbc863236c8bf

Though a couple chicks would rather do something else. As you can see from their blasé faces.

3. “Fly, fly, my pretties!”

8d83480e1ee01a150bd695d114d33aa9--easter-art-witches

Yes, that’s another Easter witch on her broomstick. And no, I have no idea why people in Scandinavia thought her as significant.

4. “You don’t look like a chicken.”

5536046ac56b3660e658cb180a95a581

Since a baby hatched from an egg and the chick seems to marvel at it. Despite it not being how human reproduction works.

5. Once dyed, Easter eggs must be hung to dry.

article-2606221-1D23CAD400000578-750_964x614

Okay, I don’t think you should hold up eggs like that. Also, these are chicks holding them. So what kind of eggs do they use?

6. “Now let’s light ‘er up and fly to the moon.”

easterwitch_firework

I don’t see this going too well. Seriously, experimenting with fireworks never goes well. Even among magic users. Just ask the Weasley Twins.

7. Apparently, multiple chickens can fit inside one egg.

bb1656f3bbb763da4d10c80d511e25b4

Well, it’s a giant egg cracked open. But it’s held with a giant ribbon. But that doesn’t keep a little chickie from escaping.

8. This bunny doesn’t seem to have a happy Easter.

bd15d292d1a350e8d2fa145ab2613cb8

Since these little kids want to dress it up and make it their pet. Think of it along the lines of “I’ll hug em,’ and squeeze em,’ and keep em’ for ever and ever.” But Harry belonged in the wild open spaces.

9. There’s nothing for a dad rooster like spending a day with his chicks.

BUSCH-Postcards-early-1900s-124-Easter-undated129

Just keep in mind that they all have different mothers and that most of the boys won’t survive to adulthood. Still, I can’t see how this father would keep track of them.

10. Try fitting those eggs in a suitcase.

cc05a98df244b8e0f9d051b6ed5b7b03

Let’s say keeping eggs in a suitcase is a very bad idea. Since they’ll probably break as you carry them. And those chicks will probably suffocate.

11. Bet you’ve never danced with a rabbit before.

EASTER big bunnies

The bunny’s like, “Come and frolic with me in the forest. We’ll have lots of fun.” While this boy is like, “Uh, no thanks, my mom wants me to iron my dog.” And he wants to make a run for it.

12. Perhaps you’d like to ride in an eggshell cart.

EASTER nancy boys

Yes, it’s pulled by bunnies which I don’t think is efficient. And I don’t think the bunnies like pulling the cart either.

13. Chicks, hop up on the Easter blimp.

Easter Vintage chicks derrigible

Of course, not all of them can fit on it. Then there are the flowers dangling from the basket which I don’t think seems safe in any respect.

14. Didn’t know the Easter Bunny smoked a pipe.

eastercard -- SMOKING BUNNY

Or that he could find eggs big enough to put flowers in. Still, don’t use tobacco, kids, it’ll give you lung cancer and kill you.

15. “C’mon, don’t leave me! We’re already flying.

easterwitch_acrobatics_lasse

Seems like she abducted this old guy. While she has her legs curled on her broom. And you can see her underwear.

16. “Oh, shit, now they’re flying planes.”

easterwitch_airplane

Well, these witches don’t seem too happy about the arrival of aviation. As they look upon that plane with disdain.

17. If you fly too low, you’ll get stuck on someone’s TV antenna.

easterwitch_antenna

Apparently, this witch got her broom caught in a TV antenna. And she’s really not happy about it. Hope the guy inside has good reception.

18. Looks like a witch had her broom modified for speed.

easterwitch_aviator

This witch’s broom includes a lever, wheel, and a propeller. While the other witches look to her with envy.

19. With a broken broom, she’s not going out tonight.

easterwitch_brokenbroom_ebay

Indeed, a broken broom can really ruin your night. Still, what’s with the kettles? Cause I don’t get it.

20. In the barnyard, it’s the chickens who fly with the eggs.

easterwitch_chickens

And the rooster doesn’t seem too happy. But the hens on their flying brooms don’t care a bit.

21. “Mind if I drop down your chimney?”

easterwitch_chimney_lasse

Too bad since she’s already flown down. Wonder why the old man in bed hasn’t experienced a heart attack with her sudden presence.

22. Should a witch fall into the sea, she’ll have to be fished out.

easterwitch_curtnystrom

Yes, the fisherman’s rescuing a witch who fell into the sea. Despite the fact she has magical powers.

23. “Embrace me, Moon.”

easterwitch_cute

Yes, apparently in Sweden, witches often like spending their nights with the guy in the moon. Yeah, I don’t know how that’s possible.

24. Flying on 2 brooms is better than one.

easterwitch_doublebroom_large

She’s like riding the sky like she’s on water skis. While the moon snidely eyes her with an unpleasant smile.

25. Apparently, warlocks can be pervs.

easterwitch_edwardian

Here the guy on his broom eyes at the witch lady with binoculars. The witch is not happy. Kind of plays out like a scene in Harry Potter.

26. Easter greetings from a distinguished chick.

fec8928d1f6d813e19cc5dd52501c8d7

Seemed like they started smoking so young. Still, the chick seems like he’ll whack you with his riding crook if he could.

27. “So if that’s the Eggman, who is the Walrus?”

33756832ccb03e450f824579835ea46d

The bunnies are about as stumped as you or me. Guess someone must’ve been on drugs while designing this card.

28. Even bunnies know the meaning of forbidden love.

1a408e4fcda3364d913adda2878096f8

Meanwhile, the lamb is resenting having to act as a stool for its rabbit friend. Guess some things aren’t as good as they’re cracked up to be.

29. This chick walks a thin tightrope.

7c06d43503bba79ee3f39b76b582f0d4

I don’t expect this ending well. Even worse that it has to wear a rather humiliating costume in the process.

30. Don’t let the space dog grab the broom.

easterwitch_spaceage_pinup_lasse

Think this was made during the Space Race, given how the Russians sent dogs in space. Still, the moon seems like he’s enjoying himself.

31. Easter is a time to get out of one’s shell.

final-resting-place-624x414

Yeah, I don’t get how they have people in eggs. Much less including flowers as well.

32. Looks like the chickens are out in their Easter Sunday best.

53659ba59e1ef2164b050cf734933326

I don’t get putting chickens in clothes like this. But they all seem like a rather well-dressed family.

33. Apparently, the witches are eager to fly like the rest of us.

easterwitch_jetliner

They may be excited now. But wait until they realize that their cats will need to be in crates and put in the baggage area.

34. Once in awhile, a good looking witch flies through the night sky.

easterwitch_legs

You can see the men looking up at her. Bunch of skeevy perverts.

35. While some witches wear baggy dresses, some wear very few clothes at all.

easterwitch_pinup

Guess she’s meant for a pinup. Though even characters on Harry Potter wore more while on their brooms than this. Also, Easter usually doesn’t have appropriate weather for swimsuits, especially in Sweden.

36. This chick welcomes you to his humble abode.

il_570xN_725592566_ikms

This chick wears a fez and smokes a pipe. I know it’s crazy that you’d think this card’s designer was on drugs.

37. This Easter witch makes a smash on TV.

easterwitch_tv_lasse

Yes, she crashed through the TV. While the bald guys are wondering what the hell just happened.

38. Always test the ladder before you climb it.

42bdb5b89cc951d9e70f76c589fd1b6e

Looks like the ladder couldn’t support the Easter Bunny’s weight. Then again, he might’ve just entered the chicken coop to steal some eggs.

39. “Is that a bunny hatching from that egg?”

e1b10eaa73f1a5eaa595f31fc3a13659

Bunnies don’t hatch from eggs. Nonetheless, I can’t blame the boy from being understandably freaked out by the whole thing.

40. Egg-stealing gnome wishes you a joyous Easter.

2107c92227c534636a50e7a517249c87

He better be fast cause that rooster looks like he could peck the guy to death. Wouldn’t want that.

41. Perhaps a chick would want a ride on a carousel.

3739d8546a31654fdc2276c189fdf5df

The eggshells are swings. While one chick waits in line. Still, it’s kind of weird if you look at it.

42. Witches, feel free to take a rest stop in the clouds.

easterwitch_platform

Well, witches can use a break, too. Still, what the hell’s with that attendant?

43. Easter greetings from the flower ladies.

66cb9cd7a24b82d1700093177838ab49

Yet, these flowers have women’s faces. Wonder if anyone who designed this was on drugs. Probably. Seriously, why?

44. Easter eggs always drop from a ringing bell.

6389eafc707ca13fac9375b9a94b206b

This is a tradition in France, by the way. Yeah, it makes no sense to me either.

45. On a cold Easter, the Easter Bunny transports Easter eggs in the snow.

f43e07f9ffa6aa5e02b42125adea842f

Normally we don’t associate snow with Easter since it’s a spring holiday. But snow in April isn’t unheard of. Guess this is from Canada.

46. “Who’s in the mood for some accordion music?”

322d7936fefdf0dc1480e57c7d4183cb

Seems like nobody’s interested among the chicks. Even the bunny knows his talent isn’t appreciated.

47. This Easter, bunnies will take to the skies.

b7925ce6fc45ff2466fcf9aa6a366da6

Yes, bunnies take to the skies. I know it’s really crazy. One even drops eggs from his basket.

48. “Care for some milk for the cat?”

easterwitch_jennynystromhags

You’d almost think these women are at a coven. Nonetheless, their faces look so sinister for 2 old ladies.

49. Egg ladies wish you a happy Easter.

4583ff7c8bf1a3cd2573e3e83e68316e

Indeed, this is really crazy. Even the cat is sort of shaped like an egg. Seriously, why?

50. On Easter, one has to look their best.

192a0e5e119f58c4ad5569178a8f7710

Yet, despite being in a tub, that one chick still wears shorts. Not sure why that is (aside from censorship but even that’s ridiculous).

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Sixth Edition)

swallow-clipart-graphicsfairy012bIn January, you often see stores stashed with Valentine’s Day gifts, cards, and decorations. Because let’s just say after one cash cow holiday is over, retail chains just latch onto the next. Though some do use Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday to sell stuff, which goes against the great civil rights leader’s legacy. Anyway, one tradition of Valentine’s Day is exchanging valentines filled with sentiments of love. Though some people may hold nostalgia for some of these vintage cards. Yet, do a Google search and you’ll find that many of these valentines aren’t as wholesome as many would remember. Sure they might have cutesy images. But the words can also be double entendres as well as convey some unsettling messages. While some may depict inappropriate imagery entirely. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of crazy vintage valentines. Enjoy.

  1. Happy Valentine’s Day from the fish and the leek.
15

I have no idea what these two have to do with each other. Makes The Shape of Water seem comparatively tame.

2. “I’m grinding out the wish that’s my heart.”

6209cdcef53506455f51e5c06b24cfa5

Featuring a meat grinder in any valentine isn’t really a good idea. Seriously it makes the kid seem like a budding psychopath.

3. “Like mustard on a weenie, I’d go good with you. So be my little valentine, no one else will do!”

1264426a1836edc62019b6542afbaeae

The girl apparently seems impressed by the size of the, uh, hotdog. Seriously, I know the dirty implications of “weenie.”

4. “In spite of all I have to do, I’ll never be forgetting you.”

4345637898_99e483a4cf_z

Yet, look in the outgoing mail bin, you see that Susie doesn’t just have eyes for one. Susie is a slut.

5. “I’d share my heart with you.”

creepy valentines day card (1)

But what are they sharing? Is that ice cream? Please let it be ice cream.

6. “Baby it’s brief. I love you, my valentine.”

10361257_10152751181144601_4518662684761818095_n

And here’s a girl lounging in a sexy pose on a beach chair. Definitely not appropriate for a Valentine’s Day card.

7. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than one of a scary clown.

clown sex

And you thought Pennywise was creepy. This guy’s guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

8. “You’re such a pretty little tot/I hope that U will forget me not.”

creepy valentines day card (2)

Cue the girl reaching into her pocket and pulling out a vial of mace to spray into that boy’s face. I’m sure he has it coming.

9. “Please be ‘frank’, Valentine, ‘must’d be a ‘long’ wait?”

creepy valentines day card (3)

Cue how he’s got a hungry look in his eyes. And I don’t think it’s for hotdogs either.

10. Nothing will please but the whole package.

creepy valentines day card (4)

This is rather suggestive, especially with “Big Boy” at the end. Also, the drawing kind of freaks me out.

11. “Every evening after nine, I dream of you, my Valentine.”

creepy valentines day card (6)

Yet, looking into his cold dead eyes, you wish he wouldn’t. Seriously, the kid’s creeping me out.

12. Will you be my valentine, please?

creepy valentines day card (10)

Still, “Little Girl” and “Big Boy” doesn’t seem to have appropriate connotation. Also, the girl seems desperate.

13. “I’d like to be my neighbor’s valentine.”

creepy valentines day card (8)

Sure the kids may not mind. But both seem to have a look that would lead to a restraining order.

14. “I love you now, as I always did./I even loved you as a kid.”

creepy valentines day card (12)

Okay, this seems a bit creepy. And I think the girl and the cat in the baby carriage is quite freaked out.

15. “I’d love to saddle myself off on you for life!”

creepy valentines day card (15)

May be innocent enough. But “saddle” seems to carry a rather sexual double entendre. Let’s hope she’s not on a one trick pony.

16. “Stealing a heart is no crime.”

creepy valentines day card (16)

Is that girl’s dress up? Seems like it. Still, the rabbit really doesn’t want to see that.

17. “I believe in women’s rights- and I’m right this time!”

creepy valentines day card (18)

Uh, that’s not exactly women’s rights. Besides, there’s a chance she could be wrong.

18. “I’m in a stew over you, Valentine!”

creepy valentines day card (19)

Yet, this doesn’t mean you should put a dog in a big pot of stew. Unless this is from China.

19. This clown has lots of love for you.

creepy valentines day card (21)

Still, that doesn’t mean you should go near that guy since he’s pretty terrifying. Though you have to admire how he juggles hearts and a barrel.

20. “You iss like a flower in the garden of my heart.”

creepy valentines day card (22)

I’m not sure if I’d want flowers from a kid who can easily be the killer in a horror movie. But that’s just me.

21. “You’re the girl for my boy-cycle.”

creepy valentines day card (23)

For one, the kid is as creepy as hell. Secondly, I think by “boy-cycle” he means his penis. But I must’ve had my mind in the gutter too long.

22. Happy Valentine’s Day from the cross-eyed Dutch girl.

creepy valentines day card (24)

This must’ve been the fault of the illustration. But you wonder if the girl doesn’t see a doctor. Then again, she might not be able to afford it.

23. “You’ve got me eating out of your hands, my Valentine.”

creepy valentines day card (28)

I’m guessing the gator is into the girl in the grass skirt. And the girl seems okay with it. Or is that supposed to be a dinosaur? Oh, God, I’m confused.

24. “I aim to make you my Valentine. Can I be your big shot?”

creepy valentines day card (31)

Again, with the gunplay. Still, no, I don’t want to be your “big shot.”

25. “I’m fiddling while my heart burns for you, Valentine.”

creepy valentines day card (32)

It’s almost as if he’s a little Nero in the making. Since he seems like the boy who’d fiddle while everything around him goes up in smoke. Mostly because he started the fire.

26. “I’ve enlisted in Cupid’s Army.”

creepy valentines day card (36)

Apparently, Cupid sees no need to wear pants even in uniform. Seriously, what does he have against pants? And I hope he’s wearing underwear.

27. “Shine on me and make me glow, my Valentine.”

creepy valentines day card (37)

Did anyone notice how a lightbulb kind of resembles a pair of testicles? Maybe not until you saw this valentine. Kind of explains how men promise you love but they give you their balls.

28. “You’re so sweet- I can eat you up.”

eat-valentine

Though it doesn’t sound quite right coming from a ferocious shark. After all, we’ve all seen Jaws.

29. “I’m fishin’ fer a little girl’s love.”

fish pussy

Note how he has the large gold fish between his legs. Seems suggestive for a boy doesn’t it? You can see why he wants a little girl’s “love.”

30. “I’ll hammer away till you’re mine.”

hammer valentine

Hammering away till they’re yours isn’t a good relationship strategy. If she doesn’t want you, she doesn’t want you. Also, he’s totally nailing the heart.

31. Hope your valentine is out of this world.

monster penis

See how the heart is strategically placed over the alien’s chest. Still, I think it’s supposed to be a girl given the eyelashes and pony tail.

32. “I’m gunning for you, Valentine! I aim to please you!”

sex gunning

The gun and holster image shows that this pertains to sex. Seriously, they don’t even try to imply it.

33. Looks like Cupid is staging a stick up.

robbery sex valentine

Seems like he’s after love and money. Yet, he doesn’t seem intimidating wearing a golden belt with a holster.

34. “Pop! Pop!…will go this gun of mine as long as you’re my Valentine!”

sex valentine

Don’t think a boy should be putting his hand into a cannon. Else he’ll either end up in the ER or six feet under.

35. “Be my Valentine. I think you are a deer.”

sexy valentine

You mean you think I’m someone to shoot at and make into food and clothes. Also, it’s cool for white kids to dress as Native Americans.

36. Happy Valentine’s Day from Officer Monkey.

shoot sex

And that monkey has a gun and a night stick. I think you want to watch out for him and run for the hills.

37. “I will have an axe to grind unless you’ll be my valentine.”

valentine ax valentine

Boy isn’t messing around either. So accept him or he’ll hack you to pieces. Seriously, this is messed up.

38. “We’d be way out on Valentine’s Day.”

valentine creepy

Didn’t know they had valentines of the Rolling Stones. Guess this one is Mick Jagger. Though you won’t get any satisfaction from this one.

39. “My heart’s zooming like a rocket for you, Valentine.”

valentine erection

And yet he’s holding onto a rocket shooting up into space. Note the phallic imagery as it’s situated between his legs.

40. Someone’s hunting for your heart.

valentine gunning

The boy is on a boat with a gun and holding a gun. So run for the hills or he’ll bag you as a trophy.

41. So does a tennis player score at all when making love?

valentine hot sex

I bet the gist of this card is: “So do you think I’m great in bed?” But they used tennis motifs to make it seem wholesome when it’s not.

42. “You’re different, Valentine!”

valentine sex

Yet, this one features a tiki mask. Something that Polynesian people hold as a sacred image. Oh, commercialism, what will you debase next?

43. Green Arrow is aiming for his valentine.

valentine killing

Yet, unlike Cupid, I don’t think his arrows will make you fall in love with someone. Rather they’ll probably kill you. Also, he kind of resembles a sex dungeon Robin Hood.

44. He’s out to trap his valentine.

valentine stalking

Sure he might be stalking for his valentine. But at least he’s got a blunderbuss. So he’s only got one shot.

45. “I want a good girl-bad!”

valentine

Yet, smoking a cigarette while being dressed in shorts and a sweater won’t help. Seriously, he reminds me of a pint-sized Victor McLagen from The Informer.

46. Of course, Valentine’s Day has its share of broken hearts.

valentine-heartbroken

Though this is just utterly ridiculous. Seriously, she might be sad. But she kind of makes me wonder if the designers were on drugs at the time.

47. Perhaps you might want to buy a watermelon.

vintage-black-americana-watermelon-valentine-card

Okay, this is really racist. Yeah, I know it was a different time. But still, the offensiveness must be noted. Also, see how the girl has bare feet and is smiling.

48. Want to do the hula for love?

vintage-hula-ameri-card-valentine

Not sure if this is offensive. But what the hell is the girl wearing under her grass skirt?

49. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like the sound of a machine gun from the trenches.

war v

What does Valentine’s Day have to do with a combat zone? Shouldn’t love be about promoting peace between nations? Not killing each other?

50. Want to propose to your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day? Send them this lobster valentine.

ygs8dky

Well, chances are if you’re using a ring, you can’t afford a lobster dinner anyway. Still, lobster is a strange thing to put on a valentine.