The Wonderful World of Album Covers (Fifth Edition)

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While you might have noteworthy covers like the Fleetwood Mac Rumors album, there are plenty that aren’t on the standard radar. Mostly because they’re not very memorable since they normally feature the artist and the title. Yet, do a Google search and you’ll find plenty of album covers that can quite ridiculous. A lot of them can be unintentionally funny, creepy, or inappropriate. While some of them can be more risque than you’d think they be, considering if the release date was before 1970. Some can just be plain weird, especially if they’re sci-fi inspired or aimed to children. Nonetheless, most of these musical acts typically remain unknown. Though you’ll find a noted singer or band once in awhile. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasure trove of crazy old album covers. Enjoy.

  1. Moe Bandy: I Just Started Hatin’ Cheatin’ Songs Today
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You can’t find a more country album like this. Apparently, his wife left him, his dog died, his pick up truck broke down, and he almost went to prison. And he probably has a drinking problem.

Moe has never been the same since Sandra left him for Pablo the pool boy.

2. The Beatles: Yesterday and Today

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Yes, even the Beatles had their share of terrible album covers like a the infamous butcher cover. Fortunately for collectors, this one is worth a lot of money.

Unfortunately, even the Beatles weren’t above mutilation.

3. Ivory Chuck: Ivory Chuck at the Ivories

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Ivory Chuck can always be handy with the piano keys. Yet, mess with him and he’ll strangle you and dump you in the river.

Hustler by day, lounge musician by night.

4. Ferrante and Teicher: Blast Off!

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One guy is lying with his legs up on the piano like he’s supposed to be in zero gravity. Star Trek this is not.

Unfortunately, they didn’t qualify as space camp material.

5. If the Bomb Falls: A Recorded Guide to Survival

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Sorry, but I don’t think this album has any good information on surviving nukes. Seriously, if a nuke dropped where you live, you’re most likely to die.

Need to know about surviving nukes? This album will tell you everything you need to know.

6. Music for Dreaming

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And yet, they lie in street clothes in the snow. Outside a village with very small people. My guess they’ll end up like Gulliver before they wake up.

Finally, a album you can play while you sleep.

7. Dwayne Smith: “Get Directly Down”

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Nonetheless, Dwayne is determined to hold a beach concert as a low-budget Elton John with his keyboard and amplifier in tow. While his trusted dog is by his side.

Why directly? Was “Get Down” already taken?

8. Esquivel: Exploring New Sounds in Stereo

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Then again, to explore new sounds in space may require a way larger telescope than he could muster. And they wouldn’t sell it in stores.

And yet, he’s using a telescope.

9. Si Zetner and His Orchestra: The Swingin’ Eye

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Someone must’ve been on acid to design this cover. Seriously, you’d think she was from the VFD strip club from A Serie of Unfortunate Events.

Featuring a large eye with a lady’s butt and legs.

10. Warren Barker and His Orchestra: William Holden Presents a Musical Touch of Far Away Places

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Here William Holden sits in the study with a nervous smile. Hoping the band doesn’t play the “Colonel Bogey March.”

Apparently, the bongos is making William Holden feel cramped.

11. The Stanley Johnson Orchestra: Have Harp Can’t Travel

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I’m sure any concert hall would have a harp there. I mean almost every one of them has a piano.

Yeah, I don’t think you can fit that in a tour bus.

12. Si Zetner and His Orchestra: High Noon Cha Cha Cha

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Sure she’s topless and wears high heel sandals. But ogle at her bare rack long enough and she’ll take you out her six shooters.

Featuring the notorious Ta-Ta Jane, the best topless straight shooter in the Old West.

13. Music to Light Your Pilot By

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Wonder what the pilot’s going to do with that large wooden propeller. Hope he’s not thinking a threesome.

After all, pilots need music while having sex, too.

14. Maya Angelou: Miss Calypso

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Yes, that’s Maya Angelou herself dancing to the fire in a strapless dress that she could stick her leg out. I know it’s kind of uncomfortable to see her this way.

Here you can listen to the great American poet and author sing calypso music.

15. The Incomparable Robin Hood Band: Spectacular Sounds

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If you had to wear a humiliating marching band uniform in high school, imagine having to dress up like Robin Hood while playing professionally. Because these guys look totally ridiculous.

Hear the music from this band of merry men.

16. Living Strings: Music to Help You Stop Smoking

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Wonder what kind of songs would be on this album. And wonder if that music helps people to break the habit.

Because if you need to quit, put on this record while going cold turkey.

17. Music to Keep Your Husband Happy

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Indeed, this is album is meant to be played during sex. Nonetheless, I’m sure Barry White and Marvin Gaye are somewhere on the listings.

Includes booklets inside to spice up your love life.

18. Fun’Da’Mental: Erotic Terrorism

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This is by a British Muslim hip-hop group from the 1990s which is still around today. Yet, the cover seems ripped from a foreign film about a guy with a thirst for revenge.

You don’t mess with this man with a gun.

19. Diesel Smoke, Dangerous Curves, and Other Truck Driver Favorites

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And yet, the cover features a truck stop waitress. Mostly because they think sex sells somehow.

If your job takes you on the road, here’s the soundtrack for you.

20. The Gateway Singers

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Yet, the outfits are much to be desired. Seriously, plaid sport coats and drapery dresses?

They’re just a wholesome group in front of a cabin.

21. Ron Johnson: “Happiness” with Ron Johnson

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Here he has his guitar in the garden. While he sings, “The Tax Returns Don’t File Themselves.”

Ladies and gentlemen, Ron from accounting would like to sing a song for you.

22. Jeff: Something Special from Jeff

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From Mental Floss: “Poor Jeff looks like death warmed over, from his Herman Munster tan to that funeral director suit. I just hope the ‘something special’ he’s got for us doesn’t involve that hook.”

Presenting something special by the all incomparable Jeff.

23. Rusty Warren: Knockers Up!

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They seem awfully close to one another while drinking martinis. I think I know where this is going.

This drummer always knows how to turn on the charm.

24. Alan Gardiner Accordion Band: Play It Again

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Oh, God, you don’t want to have 4 accordions in a room like that. That’s not a party. That’s torture.

With accordions you’ll always have a party.

25. Zillertal Band: Beer Drinking Songs by the Zillertal Band

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Yes, this album features a lot of German drinking songs. And a couple of guys just have to enjoy a beer with a barmaid who might be a Vulcan.

Finally, an album you can play for Ocktoberfest.

26. Millie Jackson: E.S.P

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Nonetheless, the crystal ball seems to magnify her boobs. Since the ball is almost totally transparent.

Millie Jackson sees all, knows all.

27. Elin Proysen and Egil Johansson: Med et Smil

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This is from Norway. Still, on the bright side, despite being stranded on their car, their music could attract flood rescuers.

Just because you’ve been flooded on the road, doesn’t mean you can’t have fun making music.

28. Mohamed El-Bakkar and His Oriental Ensemble: Port Said Music of the Middle East

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Still, it features a very scantily clad belly dancer that would infuriate many Muslims today. Besides, are those nipple pasties?

Be transported to exotic places with music from the Middle East.

29. Li’l Richard and His All Stars: Happy Easter

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Yet, he probably got that nickname while in prison for armed robbery. And no, I don’t think the bunnies soften his rough-hewn image.

No, he’s not that L’il Richard.

30. The McKeithens

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I mean the one woman has a beehive that’s straight from the 1700s. And yes, this is a Christian album.

Brought to you by Marie Antoinette hair products.

31. Jean Pierre Jumez: The Nimble Fingers of Jean Pierre Jumez

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Seriously, is this guy even wearing pants? Maybe I really don’t want to know.

He’s a musician so dedicated to his art that he practices on the toilet.

32. Siegfried Schwab & the Voice of Rosy: The Fabulous Guitar from Bach to Almeida

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Ironically, Johann Sebastian Bach wasn’t known for being a perv. In fact, he was a family man known for fathering 20 kids with 2 wives.

Didn’t know Bach was into women in pink bodysuits.

33. Sister Mary Bernadette O.P.: Sister Sings of Many Things

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So what kind of things does she sing about? Okay, I know religious music is most likely. But for all I know she could be singing about pina coladas or something.

There’s not just one singing nun out there.

34. Daniel DiCarlo and His Orchestra: Moonlight Madness

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Indeed, she’s touching the whiskers of a guy in a tiger suit. An early example of furry fandom at its finest.

Featuring Ginger and her tiger friend.

35. Buzz Martin: Where There Walks a Logger There Walks a Man

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Monty Python lumberjack-transvestite jokes aside, loggers aren’t known for their resilience. Should more appropriately be titled: Where There Walks a Logger There Walks a High Insurance Risk.

Because lumberjacks are the pinnacle of manliness.

36. Willeta Boren: Let Everything That Has Breath Praise the Lord

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And yet, the wind has no effect on her large hairdo. Thanks to copious amounts of hair spray.

Here we have Willeta walking on the sand.

37. Black Sabbath: Born Again

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Man, that’s one freakish baby. Even has devil horns, fans, and claws. Still, Black Sabbath is a metal band so this isn’t out of the ordinary for them.

Featuring the infant spawn of Satan.

38. Cody Matherson: “Can I Borrow a Feelin?'”

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From Mental Floss: “Cody had the great honor of having his album title stolen by the writers of The Simpsons: in the episode “A Milhouse Divided,” after Milhouse’s dad loses his marriage and hits rock bottom he records a terrible album called “Can I Borrow A Feeling?” Sounds like Matherson should borrow a lawyer.”

By the hunkiest man from the trailer park.

39. The Melachrino Orchestra: Music for Daydreaming

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Yet, she feels quite inadequate with her life. With a boyfriend who won’t give her the time of day and a dead-end job, Blanche often sought to live a fantasy life.

Brought to you by the woman reading her book with a yellow rose.

40. ET: Best Friends

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Seriously, his pants have seashells on them. Also, comes across as a rap artist Eddie Murphy would parody on SNL during the 1980s.

Featuring his seashell pants.

41. W.W. Bauer, M.D. and Florence Marvayne Bauer: Explaining Sex to Your Little Girl: A Common Sense Guide to Growing Up

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Yeah, this is pretty awkward. And here the girl sits on her dad’s lap as he explains periods.

Need to explain sex to your daughter? This album could help.

42. Gary Dee Bradford: Gary Dee Bradford Sings for You and You and You

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Look into his eyes and you’ll see a soulless child from the Village of the Damned. Don’t let his smile fool you.

Here the voice of the kid who seems like he’d kill ants with a magnifying glass.

43. The Gospel Four: The Gospel Four Sings “I Won’t Walk Without Jesus”

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Seriously, look at their coats. Also, the woman’s bouffant is so garish. In addition, they seem like they’re watching a squirrel do something funny.

Sponsored by red denim.

44. Tex Ritter: Tex Ritter Sings “Happy Hands!”

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After all, children need clean hands in order to strangle the living daylights out of you. Seriously, those kids appear to be the stuff of nightmares.

Said to be “a song that teaches the value of clean and busy hands.”

45. Moscow Nights: Popular Russian Hits

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Apparently, they don’t party very hard in Russia. Though I think the happy couple dancing must be drunk on vodka. Since the others have blasé faces.

Listen to the popular music of Russia.

46. Music to Massage Your Mate By

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However, this woman’s face says, “Not feeling it.” While the guy could almost pass for a 1970s porn star.

Rub down your mate with a collection of these tunes.

47. Weela Gallez: A Hysterical Evening with Weela Gallez

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And yet, she dresses like she’s just been on vacation. Still, that face as she’s holding her monkey in sheer horror is priceless.

Caption: “My turtle’s dead!”

48. Julia & Barbara the Blind Slye Twins: It’s Me Again Lord

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Sure they can’t see a thing. But they’re bound to haunt your dreams with their big hair and thirst for blood.

Hear the songs of Christian twins you wouldn’t want to run into at a haunted hotel.

49. Tubby Boots: Tubby Boots Goes Topless

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Yet, that doesn’t mean you should put nipple pasties on your man boobs. Also, is that a centurion helmet?

But why do an album on that?

50. W.A.S.P: Animal (F**k Like a Beast)

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I’m sure any guy looking at this album cover would freak out over the saw in the crotch belt. Seriously, that looks really painful.

Brought to you by the crotch ripper.

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The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Seventh Edition)

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I usually do postcards in early August. But since I had to NFL and College sports posts as well as some articles on our Pussygrabber-in-Chief, it kind of slipped under the radar. Anyway, in late June, I went to Minnesota for my cousin’s wedding at St. Cloud since his wife is from there. And my parents, my sister, and I spent the next few days playing tourist in both St. Cloud and Minneapolis. In St. Cloud, you can see the Beaver Islands and Quarry Park. In Minneapolis, there’s the Walker Art Center, Minnehaha Falls, the American Swedish Institute, and the Mill City Museum. And yes, Mall of America does exist there. But come on, it’s just an enormous temple of conspicuous materialism with an overpriced amusement park. The only place worth seeing is the Lego store, nothing else. Anyway, there are plenty of vintage postcards out there that can show just about anything. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of crazy vintage postcards you won’t find at any souvenir shop.

  1. Fasten yourself to this metal horn.
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Yes, it’s another one of those old German torture postcards. And you can see the crowd laughing at him. Hey, at least you don’t live during the Middle Ages.

2. “Someone just took a dump at the corner of Maple and Elm Street.”

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Yeah, you have to feel bad for that guy in the wheelbarrow. Always having to clean everyone else’s messes on the street.

3. You’ll find all kinds of scenes inside this metal man.

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Actually, it seems like a guy inside a metal contraption. With the scenes depicting all the bad stuff he’s done.

4. Study hour is always a time for reflection.

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And yet, this kid fantasizes about the football game. Some things never change.

5. Protect your home from intruders with a safety guard.

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Actually, almost everyone has these. Seriously, they’re not really a big deal save the price.

6. Check out this papaya in St. Petersburg’s Sunken Gardens.

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While the term is a pejorative slang for a woman’s nether region in Cuba. So they use “fruta bomba” instead.

7. See the magnificent prehistoric creatures at the Phosphate Valley Exposition.

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Mr. Mastadon is utterly incensed that all the other giant mammals are on his lawn. Prepare to be gored.

8. Enjoy Swiss music and dance with Helmut and Ingrid in Miami.

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From Bad Postcards: “After the performance, I want to walk up to Ingrid and give her a big hug and kiss. Helmut, on the other hand, scares me a little.”

9. You’ll always have fun in the sun at the Blue Mist Motel.

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Apparently, I have no idea why the pillars seem to resemble Dr. Seuss like tennis rackets. Located in Miami.

10. It’s always amazing to try exotic new foods.

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And I think that guy’s about to say something racist. While his wife’s trying to keep a smile on her face to hide her embarrassment.

11. “Discover for yourself our complete line.”

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And yet, she’s decked in the most scantily clad hula skirt I’ve ever seen. While she has a bunch of thin skits strategically placed at her breasts.

12. “Just specify the shape you want.”

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I’m sure this postcard is totally photoshopped. Seriously, the light on the woman doesn’t match the light in the background. Also, is she just wearing a red sheet?

13. Just a fair catch at the Florida Keys.

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From Bad Postcards: “The dog at bottom left looks like he’s ashamed to be included in the picture.”

14. Would you want it in pink or blue?

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Either way, they seem like a couple of freaky old guy faces with sunglasses. Also what’s with the ears and legs?

15. Chief Halftown is a bowler supreme.

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From the back: “A full-blooded Seneca Indian, Chief Halftown has traveled thousands of miles in helping thousands of youngsters learn to enjoy the fun of bowling. There are Chief Halftown Junior Bowling Clubs in over 200 cities in the United States and Canada.” Wait a minute, I don’t think warbonnets are Seneca Indian garb since they’re Iroquois.

16. There’s always one in every bar.

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You mean a horse’s ass? Indeed, I can believe it. Since we already have a horse’s ass in the White House.

17. Protocertops once roamed the Gobi Desert.

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But I’m sure some people might see it as a combination between a Triceratops and a parrot. Seriously, look at that beak.

18. Any of these beautiful candles will make a great gift.

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These are great for entertaining your guests in the basement area where you smoke your pot to the Grateful Dead. Wonder if any of them are scented.

19. Hans and Alice Grossniklaus sell their cheese from their Alpine Cheese chalet mobile.

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And yet, they keep their van open. Despite that cheese often needs refrigeration.

20. Enjoy a toast to fine Alpine wine.

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While Heinrich was fine in his lederhosen, Bertha already had a few drinks. Besides, she thinks that Heinrich looks idiotic in his lederhosen.

21. “Stop Mastitis with Masti-Kure.”

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I think it has something to do with cows since they’re in the background. But there’s a nice collection of large syringes.

22. With Trip-It, you can feed songbirds with ease while baffling squirrels.

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I’m sure squirrels will eventually figure this out. Also, stuffed birds not included.

23. Greetings from Lizzard Butte, Idaho.

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Okay, I can sort of see the point with this rock formation. Yet, for a place called “Lizzard Butte” the sight is disappointing.

24. You can wear this scarf 4 ways.

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Looks include the Pilgrim, the choir singer, the shaky collar, and the preacher. Available at all retail outlets.

25. Come and marvel at the world’s largest cereal plant.

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If anyone wants me to admire an industrial plant, the architecture has to be amazing. This is not.

26. Sagebrush is Nevada’s state flower.

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Apparently, this postcard really doesn’t show the sagebrush’s splendor. Seems more like a bunch of desert bushes.

27. “Here’s the paper, here’s the ink, and here’s the toner.”

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I guess this is a very old timey printer. Yet, despite her smiling, Gladys isn’t exactly thrilled with showing the new recruits how to maintain one of these stupid machines.

28. Come to the Steiff Museum to see Susi and Fiffy.

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The cats are actually fine in this. But the taxidermy mice are straight from nightmares.

29. The office coffee maker should always match the table.

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She seems so happy getting the coffee at the office. Too bad she can’t poison it before giving the cup to her boss.

30. Enjoy the taste of Valleydale Honee Weenees.

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You know weenee also has a different connotation. Also note the guy on the left on the wrapper has a very long trombone.

31. Having a party? They’ll cover your catering.

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On second thought, I don’t think so. Most of what’s on these platters is disgusting. Save for the cake and buns.

32. Aluminum siding is an investment in better living.

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The house isn’t quite bad. But the chimney sort of seems like the owner’s trying to signal to aliens.

33. Shop and win this imported ceramic decorator set.

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Comment from Bad Postcards: “Holiday generosity – or passive aggressive rage? Innocent holiday table-ware – or slightly disguised alter pieces to H.P. Lovecraft’s Elder Gods?”

34. Wow your guests with Wetzstein’s all white meat cooked turkey.

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What the hell is this? I heard it’s called turkey cake. However, I think it’s really disgusting.

35. Anyone could enjoy these fireplace logs.

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Actually these are fake and only used for decoration. Also, the fires seem like they’re electric and don’t seem to ignite well.

36. A lady’s razor always needs a stylish pouch.

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The razor should also be decorated with painted flowers. Oh, and you should shave in front of your vanity instead of in the bathtub.

37. Buy from us and we’ll give you this “Gracious Living” set.

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And it’s on rooster pattern. God, this looks really ugly. Seriously, why?

38. Feel free to dine in The Wolf’s Den.

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Here Lula comes across her ideal man. Big, strong, and unapologetically savage.

39. In a mood for a catfight?

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It’s just a taxidermy depicting 2 cougars fighting. Nonetheless, it almost looks like the real thing. Almost.

40. Come down to Miami to meet Alan Shepard, John Glenn, and Scott Carpenter.

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Yet, all these guys have had their souls removed after returning from earth. So they’re all now lifeless zombies wandering the planet.

41. Come in and dine at Ft. Lauderdale’s Polynesian Room.

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Includes Polynesian cuisine and quality entertainment. Introducing scantily clad women with hula skirts and shirtless men. Check out the neon tiki images.

42. Wheatlands Motel gives you all the necessary amenities.

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“Home of the Blue Angels while in Garden City, Kansas.” Too bad their bright orange flight suits reminds me of prison uniforms.

43. “Having fun at Bradley Beach, New Jersey.”

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Don’t really seem like having fun to me. Not even the kids. Then again, they must’ve just seen Chris Christie pass by.

44. New York’s Georgian Hotel has a heart-shaped tub in every room.

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I don’t know about you. But if I were that woman, I wouldn’t spend one more minute in that tub with her creepy boyfriend. Seriously, he looks so creepy. Also, the mirrors really kill the mood.

45. Bob and Jimmie Nusca serve the Lord in Bangladesh.

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They seem more like doctors than missionaries. While the husband seems like an old Dr. House on happy pills.

46. In Van Nuys, California, come down and eat at the Valley Ho.

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For God’s sake, this is a family restaurant like Denny’s. Not a whorehouse. Who’d even have such a demented idea?

47. Greetings from Dancing Waters in Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin.

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Seeing this neon light and fountain display, you’d think Wisconsin Dells was the Midwest equivalent to Las Vegas. Not sure if it’s true. But did they have to use all that red?

48. Here we come to a man harvesting peanuts in Dixie.

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On one hand, peanut cultivation wasn’t widespread until after the American Civil War. On the other hand, the South employed blacks as sharecroppers in agricultural work. Either way, I’m sure he’s not harvesting peanuts on his own land or for a sufficient wage.

49. Check out this gigantic power dam.

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It’s called the Moses-Saunders Dam, which extends from Canada to New York. Wonder if a beaver can build anything remotely like that.

50. Cardinal Francis Spellman meets Pope John XXIII.

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To have wax figures of either man like this is pure blasphemy. Also, someone doesn’t seem to like Spellman too much since he looks like a corrupt churchman.

51. Wish you were here at Auburn Prison.

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I don’t know about you. But why the hell would anyone want to visit a prison town? It might be nice. But the town is built around a prison.

52. Here we have 2 bull moose duking it out in the forest.

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Located in Gaylord, Michigan. Still, this seems more like a painting than a taxidermy display.

53. If you think your life is bad, look at a cow who’s stepped on her udder.

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Sorry, but I don’t think a cow can step on her udders. Think it’s physiologically impossible.

54. Mr. Tibbles closes in for the kill.

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Here a he climbs a tree to catch a bird carrying a salt shaker. So he really means business.

55. Come and enjoy the hunt for deer and duck in the great outdoors of New Jersey?

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When I think of New Jersey, I don’t imagine people hunting. Mostly because people don’t go to New Jersey to hunt animals.

56. It’s no wonder Birmingham, Alabama is seen as the “Pittsburgh of the South.”

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This postcard should actually read, “Greetings from Hell.” Because it looks more like a place where bad people go when they die.

57. These water skiers show a display of their Southern pride.

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While at best they’re showing their racial insensitivity and willful ignorance to Civil War history. At worst, they’re proclaiming to the world that they’re racist.

58. At Finocchio’s you’ll find fabulous female impersonators.

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Think of it as the old-timey version of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Some are even dressed from the 1920s.

59. The University of Illinois presents the Luther League of America.

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Comment from Bad Postcards: “At first I thought this was Lex Luthors secret society lair. Not just from the name, they honestly look pretty similar. “

60. “Would you like a cup of coffee?”

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Indeed coffee may be strong. But Rosie’s added some arsenic, strychnine, and cyanide to enhance the flavor.

61. Perhaps you’d like to drop by for harvest time in Montana.

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I’m sure Montana has more interesting scenery than this. So they grow grain there, big deal. Can’t they have more pictures of Glacier before global warming makes it disappear?

62. Perhaps you’d like a large gourmet dinner with lobster.

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I’m sure the dinner doesn’t come cheap. Still, the soup looks really disgusting.

63. Death Valley is the Devil’s golf course.

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Wrong, everyone knows the Devil’s golf course is Mar-A-Lago in Florida. Or in Bedminster, New Jersey. Or wherever he owns a golf club.

64. Would you like to hear a poem about the seahorse?

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They forgot to mention that the female lays her eggs in the male’s body before she takes off. While the babies hatch inside him. Yes, seahorse reproduction is very messed up.

65. “Don’t you ever get tired of the same old bull?”

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If used as an expression, it’s not that bad. But if you use cows, then there’s a sexual connotation. Though to be fair, most farms would usually have one bull anyway.

66. Make the season jolly with R&R Toy.

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How could that baby sit beside that demonic man in the red suit and not sense any danger? Because the Santa’s about to put that child through a world of pain.

67. This group always dons the robes with the white hoods.

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For a second, you’d almost take them for cult members. Then again, I wouldn’t be surprised.

68. Enjoy some South Sea fun at a Florida luau.

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While she dances, the drummer behind her watches her move. If he loses a beat, you know he’s distracted.

69. This dog wishes you a Merry Christmas.

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Look, a dog in a Christmas gift box may seem cute. But for the love of God, please don’t give live puppies or any other live animal for Christmas. A dog is a decade long commitment and responsibility, not a present since many Christmas puppies end up abandoned.

70. “Now, where did I park my car?”

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If you’re asking that question in a high snowy place like this, you might be in trouble. After all, that car can be several feet up in snow by now.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Ads (Fifth Edition)

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As we all know, advertising is everywhere, especially around this time of year with Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. You see ads on the internet, the road, on TV, in movie theaters, and in magazines and newspapers. Of course, people need to make a living while companies need to sell their products. And consumers need to buy stuff to carry on with their lives. Nonetheless, while people back then didn’t have nearly as much saturation in their media, that’s mostly because certain outlets weren’t around at the time. Yet, a lot of them do contain things that wouldn’t bode well today or at least allow a modern audience to take them seriously. Some of them may offend. Some may creep you out. While some may seem kind of freaky. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of old timey vintage ads.

  1. Ladies, don’t grow old. Try Dorothy Gray.
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I think a better idea would be to accept aging as a natural process. And if your husband sees a problem with that, it’s his problem.

2. This premiere vibrator gives both pounding and rotary strokes.

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This is actually more of a massager specifically for women. Yet, the fact this is referred to as a vibrator just inspires a more dirty scenario with the words, “Maybe she’ll get to use it-when you’re not home.”

3. Lose weight with some Fat Off obesity cream.

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You can even apply it on your body while you bathe. Seriously, I don’t think it does a thing.

4. Make your hospital light, bright, and cheery with Truscon Detention Windows.

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For God’s sake, that slogan is totally wrong. Hospitals are places of sickness, injury, and death. Unless it’s the maternity ward and even then you might find some degree of tragedy.

5. Why pay to see a shrink? Can’t he just get his act together?

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This is an ad trying to combat the stigma on mental illness and encourage people to seek help. Yet, seeing that quote, I think it backfired horribly.

6. Doctors, don’t forget to check out these leucotomy instruments.

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Actually a leucotomy means the cutting of nerve fibers within the brain, as in a prefrontal lobotomy. Let’s just say, it’s an infamous surgical procedure that you don’t want to get. Seriously, there’s a reason why brain surgeons don’t do lobotomies anymore.

7. Would your kid know what to  do if you weren’t around?

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Well, I’m sure this boy has it all under control. Yet, this girl doesn’t seem too confident with him bandaging her leg.

8. Ad Burns Martin, we fit fat guys.

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Not sure if you’d want to advertise that. But I guess there’s a reason why we have big and tall stores.

9. With Clark’s Thinning Bath Salts, you can bathe the fat away.

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No, I don’t think weight loss works that way. So this is another weight loss product that does shit.

10. Get your food chopped in no time with this new perfection chopper.

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Okay, this image kind of creeps me out. Seriously, the chef face on that thing seems like the stuff of nightmares. For God’s sake, why did anyone think this was a good idea?

11. Got a cold? Well, it’s your own fault because you didn’t use Listerine twice a day.

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For God’s sake, you can’t prevent colds with mouthwash. Also, that doctor has a terrible bedside manner.

12. Remember, ladies, B.O. can really ruin your social life.

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Really? B.O. She has B.O. For God’s sake, just get a shower and put on some deodorant. Simple.

13. Don’t want a bald husband? Get him Wildroot Hair Tonic.

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I don’t think your husband’s baldness is within anyone’s control. It’s genetic. Perhaps you just accept that he might go bald in the future.

14. Nothing says fun at the beach like a Lucky Strike cigarette.

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In other news, enjoy the beach while it lasts. Because there’s a strong chance you’ll end up having respiratory problems and die of lung cancer.

15. Get healthy with electropathic belts.

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And you thought Gwyneth Paltrow’s jade eggs were ridiculous. This is a wellness product that may electrocute your genitalia, especially if you’re a man.

16. Pratt’s Healing Ointment is great for man and beast.

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Okay, this isn’t right. Seriously, the old guy seems a bit too pleased beside the horse in bed.

17. Ladies, don’t forget to wear Madame Rowley’s Toilet Mask 3 times a week.

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I’m not sure how effective it is with retaining beauty. But I believe it definitely makes a great Halloween costume.

18. Vaseline is so pure you can eat it.

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Not sure if I want to use that as a slogan for a product you’re not supposed to eat. Also, Vaseline is made from oil.

19. Improve your well-being with a Health Jolting Chair.

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I’m sure it’s not like the ones used on death row inmates. But still, an electric chair to improve health? Are you fucking nuts?

20. Pet cigarettes are always the best.

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You mean they had cigarettes for pets? You got to be kidding me. Apparently, giving people lung cancer wasn’t enough for tobacco companies.

21. Prevent dandruff and baldness with Newbro’s Herpicide.

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Reading this ad gets dandruff and baldness completely wrong. For one, dandruff doesn’t cause baldness since it’s a genetic condition. Second, dandruff is mostly dead skin flakes on the scalp, not germs.

22. Check out this phone booth of the future.

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Little did they foresee the invention of cellphones that would make phone booths obsolete. Seriously, we don’t use them anymore.

23. Keep your teenage boy’s sex drive in check with the sexual temperance spoon.

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No, I don’t think that’s going to tame unwelcome erections in teenage boys. You’re better off making them watch the news.

24. “This is a computer?”

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Still seems more like a large typewriter to me. On the bright side, it’s not as sexist as it’s portrayed as.

25. Keep your woman from straying with this genuine, lace-trimmed chastity belt.

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Okay, this is more or less meant as a sex toy for those with a kinky taste. But the “keep her under lock and key” part would inflame any feminist.

26. Watch Sabrina demonstrate her Belle and Howell Color-Slide Projector.

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I’m sure she’s in the ad for her technical know-how. Not for her torpedo shaped titties. Oh, wait, it’s totally because of her titties.

27. Union Carbide helps science build the new India.

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Wasn’t Union Carbide responsible for a chemical disaster in Bhopal which is said to be the world’s worst industrial disaster back in the 1980s? Yeah, I don’t think they made a positive contribution in that country. More like as many as 16,000 deaths and environmental devastation.

28. Enhance your beauty with a pair of new eyelashes.

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Actually those eyelashes look incredibly fake. While it makes these women appear quite ridiculous.

29. Pabst beer is always a blue ribbon drink.

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Yet, I have no idea why these people have blue ribbon limbs. That’s just plain freaky.

30. Correct facial flaws with this beauty micrometer.

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So basically it’s putting a woman in a head cage with spikes on it. Seems more like a torture device.

31. “A girl size hand needs a girl-size pen.”

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Reminds me of Ellen DeGeneres joking about Bic’s pens for women and how sexist such concept is. Apparently, Bic wasn’t the first company to do so.

32. Keep your figure with Harness’ Electric Corsets.

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So not only you can crush your internal organs but also electrocute them, too. Seriously, why did this exist?

33. “Does Mohawk Airlines have the best dress girls in the world?”

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Who the hell cares how an airlines’ stewardesses are dressed? A better question is are they proficient at their job? Or whether they’re afraid of flying.

34. No girl should ever be pear shaped.

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This is for shape underwear and bras. But yes, the body shaming is apparent.

35. Casket Cigarettes are the height of perfection.

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Ironically the name is rather appropriate. Because smoking these will eventually put you in a casket before your time.

36. This stove and oven set is a real wifesaver.

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Okay, that’s really sexist. Would expect this from the 1950s. Not the 1970s.

37. Like women, the best cigarettes are thin and rich.

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Sure it’s incredibly sexist with the thin and rich message. Nonetheless, cigarettes aren’t like women. Since the best women won’t give you lifelong health problems and an early death.

38. Ferris Brothers has corsets for all mothers and daughters.

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Really? Corsets inflict enough internal organ damage on women. But making your little girl wear one, that’s just even worse.

39. F.E. Young Dilators will relieve your piles and constipation woes.

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Butt plugs? I don’t think people use them nowadays for constipation. And let’s call them what they are, butt plugs.

40. In the future, you can see whoever you talk on the phone.

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I think we already have something like this on your cell phone. I mean you can get Skype on there. Also, that hat is ridiculous.

41. Remember, fellows, smart men don’t mask morning mouth.

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Because a smart men wouldn’t wear a ridiculous space helmet to the office. So try Chlorodorant.

42. Relieve your worries with Barker’s Vibrator.

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It’s actually supposed to be a wellness product like a massager. Yet, reading it inspires certain images that may not be safe to describe to children.

43. Improve your water circulation with the classic head.

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Though “good head” can also be a sex term that I’m not very familiar with. Or at least what I think is a sex term.

44. “Take your party over the rainbow.”

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Yet, Dorothy seems to wear sunglasses due to suffering migraine headaches, apparently. Though why Toto’s wearing sunglasses, I have no idea.

45. Sued by your children? We can help.

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Reading this just makes me cringe. Since it portrays teenagers as being out of control kids who put their parents through hell.

46. Doctors, here is the drug pusher.

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Apparently, the drug pusher is a scary dude who hangs out on a bench. Even wears a mullet. Avoid him.

47. You always know it’s clean with Pyrex.

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Yet, the boy seems like he’s embarrassed like he accidentally dropped his pants. While his mom just laughs her head off.

48. Mighty Tiny is the world’s smallest record player.

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Yet, this girl is so happy because she thinks these little records could be used as potential weapons. And she’s thinking about getting revenge on that neighbor who told her to get off his lawn.

49. Hold up your figure with Kotex belts-now in white.

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What the hell is that supposed to be? Some sort of girdle? Also, her dress looks really white. Like it can blind you.

50. Protect your buildings with the magic mineral asbestos.

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Yes, protect your building with the magical mineral asbestos. While you inhale it and die from mesothelioma.

51. Ven Heusen shirts give men a bolder look.

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Apparently, Van Heusen thinks they’re great for when beating your wife. Seriously, the top image makes it seem like the brand is endorsing spousal abuse.

52. Glow with your health with VI-Rex Violet Rays.

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So this is another electrotherapy device. Still, during the 1940s and 1950s, these devices were subject to numerous lawsuits and multiple actions by the US government like recalls, forfeitures, and orders to have them destroyed.

53. Take Prophylaxis for she might be a slut.

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Though I don’t think Prophylaxis is that effective for preventing STDs. Best idea would not to have sex on the first date.

54. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Hooter.

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Actually though it resembles a vacuum, it’s seems more like a cocaine dispenser. Still, the name’s pretty funny.

55. Hope you’d enjoy this snow shoveler.

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Okay, that’s not used for shoveling snow on your driveway. That’s for shoveling cocaine.

56. Sno-blow always adds life.

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Yes, more cocaine stuff. This is supposed to be a nose doucher you put in cocaine and up your nose. Yes, it’s disgusting.

57. Want to play this magic flute?

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This is another cocaine object. Though it seems more or less like a whistle than anything. You can even have it on your keys.

58. Everything is always at its best in cellophane.

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But putting your son in plastic wrap is not a good idea. Seriously, he could suffocate. Also, he doesn’t seem too happy about it either.

59. The love rug is always great when the time is right.

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Available in jaguar, lynx, and mink. Yet, you’re unlikely to have sex on it with a guy who looks like David Hasselhoff.

60. Now you can get a poster of your own likeness.

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And you thought taking a selfie is an expression of egotism. I think people who do this are incredibly self-absorbed like Donald Trump.

61. Rock in the newest hairstyle with the stretch wig.

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Okay, that looks so stupid and fake. Seriously, I could tell it’s obviously a wig. Also, is that guy naked?

62. With Cannon Towels, your bathroom is a room with a view to tomorrow.

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Yet, I wonder why the hell is a woman with a bare ass and back doing here. Oh, I get how sex sells. And she’s in the bathroom. Fair enough.

63. With this universal food chopper, you can cut anything.

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Hell, you can even chop animals to smithereens. Though what’s more disturbing than the pigs in a grinder is that some of the fruits and veggies apparently have legs.

64. “Have you ever had a bad time in Levi’s?”

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This is a 1971 ad for Levi’s for Gals. And here they show an angry woman in striped pants and a bad spray tan.

65. “He asked Mother for a dowry!”

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So I guess wear ever aluminum utensils was the result seeing the ad. Still, the dowry thing is so Middle Ages and might be an indication that he’s a gold digger.

66. With Varig Air, you’ll find out what he actually does in Rio.

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Basically when the headline is “I found out what he does on those ‘business’ trips to Rio,” it’s not usually a good thing. Of course, the description doesn’t have the guy doing anything shady. Yet, you kind of expect he may have something on the side.

67.  “If you guys don’t buy these new Drummond sweaters, we’ll go back to male models.”

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The company’s basically admitting they have a naked women in their ad because they think sex sells. Still, those sweaters are ugly and not worth the gimmick. So guys, please don’t buy these.

68. “Are your panties up to date?”

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Why should I care if my panties are up to date? Nobody’s going to see them anyway. Seriously, why?

69. Get a Volkswagen because you know your wife will drive your car someday.

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Okay, that’s really sexist since it implies that women are bad drivers. So it’s best you get a cheap economy car like a Volkswagen, according to their logic.

70. Got a Housewife Headache? Take some Anacin.

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Or if you’re suffering from boredom and emotional fatigue, perhaps you might want to find something to do. Or watch Netflix. Or read a book.

 

The Dark Scary World of Vintage Halloween Costumes (Fourth Edition)

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I don’t know the reason why that is. But when I look at some old Halloween pictures, it seems that the costumes were incredibly terrifying. And I am never sure why. Could it be the black and white photography? Then again, I find some color phots with terrifying costumes. Could it be the costumes designs? Maybe. Nonetheless, while some of these scary costumes consist of spooky figures, a lot of them aren’t meant to be scary. For instance, For instance, I could find plenty of Disney costumes that would absolutely haunt my dreams. And I don’t think Walt Disney’s intended to traumatize children when he created Mickey Mouse. While some are just downright offensive racial caricatures. Nonetheless, my vintage Halloween costume posts over the years have been quite popular. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasure trove of downright spooky Halloween costumes from yesterday.

  1. She comes out in the cover of night.
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Yet, the girl’s expression on her face suggests she’s got sinister motives. Best stay away from her.

2. They’re just 3 friends hanging out.

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By the way, they’re all women dressed as men. Even the one with the beard in the middle if you look closely enough.

3. Shut your doors when these kids go trick-or-treating.

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Indeed, they all seem quite scary in their costumes. But the clown freaks me out the most.

4. Sometimes a simple cat mask will do.

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If you look closer, you can see how unsettling her costume is. Seriously, the cat seems so devious.

5. You never know who’s hiding among the corn stalks.

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Gives a whole new meaning to Children of the Corn. Though you wouldn’t want to run into this person either.

6. If you’re looking for a witches’ coven, you’ve come to the right place.

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One of them even has a ghost costume over her head. Still, wouldn’t want to run into these ladies.

7. You might want to avoid seeing a clown alone in a corner.

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This kid would give Pennywise the Clown from IT a run for his money. Kill it, kill it with fire.

8. You’ll never know who’ll show up at your doorstep for trick-or-treat.

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Shortly after this picture was taken, Mrs. McGillicuddy was never seen or heard from again. Nobody knows why.

9. Now what is that ungodly creature?

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I think this is supposed to be a dog or something. But seems more of a hell hound or monster to me.

10. They’re just taking an afternoon stroll. No need to worry anyone.

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Is that a black mask? Looks kind of racist. Nonetheless these two will certainly haunt your dreams.

11. “Want to sit with us?”

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No thanks, because I want to get home in one piece. Nothing personal.

12. A monster should always have a devil by his side.

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Both seem to wear masks with glitter on it. Kind of makes them more terrifying.

13. “Gather round, it’s time to feed.”

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I know the kids are wearing mask. But even the kid in the skull mask seems scared while the beard mask kid stands.

14. You’d think these folks have come from out of this world.

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That or it’s footage from one of Lady Gaga’s music videos. Let’s just say old sci-fi costumes are utterly insane.

15. Perhaps you might want to attend a costume party.

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Yet, even without masks, they manage to be quite scary. Just blank eyes staring at the camera.

16. “What is this pumpkin I’m holding?”

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That mask gives me the creeps. Is that supposed to be a devil? Or some other monster?

17. “EEK! The pumpkin man!”

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Apparently, the 1925 production of The Nightmare Before Christmas was not a success. Guess audiences weren’t ready for it.

18. Hope you don’t experience any rabbit infestation.

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Because these bunnies will haunt your nightmares. So keep your veggies away from their buck teeth.

19. A lone witch doesn’t leave without her broomstick.

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But be wary. Since she’ll turn you into a frog if you piss her off. Or worse.

20. There’s never a wrong time to party.

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Seems like they’re having a good time. Though this might before the midnight killing spree for all you know.

21. “Won’t you come in and stay awhile?”

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I know the guy is supposed to be some kind of cowboy. But the two kids look like a couple of very creepy monkeys.

22. This skeleton always hangs out with the witches.

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Though the skeleton monster seems tame compared to the two witches. Now they’ll certainly put you in a cauldron if they could.

23. Not sure what to think about the new neighbors.

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Well, they don’t seem like a nice family. More likely they’re people you don’t want to go to their house for trick-or-treating. Then again, maybe I’m wrong.

24. Donald, what the hell happened to you?

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Like I said, old Disney costumes are horrifying. But this Donald Duck costume isn’t as nightmarish ad Donald Trump.

25. Beware of the specter of Death.

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Yet, you don’t want to go near the girls either. Because they’re bound to haunt your nightmares.

26. Chuckles the Clown invites you to his humble home.

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For the love of God, keep away from here at all costs. Or else, Chuckles will get you.

27. While monsters often frequent the streets at night, you’ll some out during the day.

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You might want to get your kids inside when you see people like these. For they will go after your little children if they can.

28. Be wary when you run into this cat girl.

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She may seem harmless. But keep in mind that she will kill you in your sleep if you let her in.

29. Perhaps this mime may amuse you.

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Guess his costume is fastened with duck tape. Yet, let him in and he’ll make you regret it.

30. “Trick or treat.”

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Quick, give them candy so they’ll leave you alone. If they don’t like it, they may come back to murder you.

31. Apparently, Bubbles likes to hang around with the cabbage patch.

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And he seems rather out of place among the soulless dolls. Not sure which is scarier.

32. A witch needs her ghosts to help in her evil schemes.

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The ghosts may be kids in sheets. But the black and white in this photo makes everything seem all so terrifying.

33. Would you give candy to kids like these?

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Give the creepy gnome and her friend the Snickers bars and hope they’re satisfied. Because Lord knows what’ll happen to you if they don’t.

34. Perhaps this sailor prefers to hang out with a ghost.

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Yet, look into his eyes and you’ll find a soulless void of unrelenting doom. Just look away.

35. When you see Frankenstein monsters in dirty shirts, it’s time to run.

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You also see a ghost with a blue face between them. So give them candy and they will disappear if they show up at your doorstep.

36. Want to spend time with these ladies?

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One has Native American mask that emits a very negative stereotype. The other has a princess one.

37. On a snowy day, would you let these masked figures in?

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One has a black hat and white cloth on the mouth. The other has a black scarf on her head covering her eyes.

38. Sometimes a simple black mask is all you need.

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She just wears a mask with her feather hat and dress. Makes you wonder if she has murder on the mind.

39. This vampire wants your blood.

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Indeed, it’s a bought costume. But the mask will certainly scare the hell out of you.

40. Nobody should cross Cinderella’s stepmother and stepsisters.

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Funny, how they’re even scarier in the live action version. Like they could give me nightmares.

41. If you’re at a Halloween party, don’t cross this Asian lady.

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Okay, that’s pretty racist. But please, don’t tell her that since you may never be seen again.

42. Seems like one of these witches isn’t too happy.

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It’s the one on the left, by the way. And it seems like she’s about to turn her friend into a toad any minute now.

43. Want to join this skeleton crew?

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Don’t really seem like a lively bunch. Yet, you might want to avoid them like the plague.

44. Nobody wants to be at this devil’s pitchfork.

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That mask is simply horrifying. And I’m sure that pitchfork has real prongs that will rip your flesh to kingdom come.

45. What? Never saw a well dressed witch before?

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Oh, wait, that woman is supposed to be Mother Goose. Still, she doesn’t inspire wholesome childhood rhymes. More like nightmares.

46. Perhaps this gnome girl will protect your garden.

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Though I’d be much more worried about the critters than her. While that grin indicates she has murder on the mind.

47. Don’t forget to wear a mask to the party.

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And it seems this party required that a guy had to dress up as an offensive racial stereotype. Yep, that’s really racist.

48. No one dare approach the witch.

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Is that mask sewed on? God, that’s so disturbing it’s freaking me out.

49. A devilish clown haunts the local countryside.

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And little Bootsie the cat was never seen again. So make that what you will.

50. Best you don’t go near this Indian woman.

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Okay, that’s really offensive. Then again, she’s probably a ghost of a woman buried under the house’s foundation.

51. Giggles the clown can be such a delight.

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But remember that he moonlights as a serial killer. So if you cross him, he will get you.

52. This ghost has a unique way of carving a pumpkin.

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Still, you don’t want to mess with this phantom. For you will live to regret it, if you survive at all.

53. Seems like these 2 are on the Dark Side of the Force.

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These old DIY Star Wars costumes seem more appropriate for a horror movie. This is especially since they’re only masks and nothing else.

54. Want to hear some music?

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Unfortunately, it was Johnny’s last song. For he was never seen or heard from again afterwards. And that was after he beat the Devil in Georgia.

55. If you want to scare birds, try these scarecrows.

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Okay, they’re people in costumes. But they’ll sure scare crows all the same.

56. Nothing beats a cool fall breeze.

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Wonder if these women live in some abandoned house covered in cobwebs. Would really explain a lot.

57. I’m sure you can trust this scarecrow with your children.

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I can see why this little girl doesn’t want to be held by this guy. Hope she wasn’t found dead in some dark alley afterwards.

58. How would you like to see these ghosts at your house?

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Gladys wasn’t seen again after this. But there are plenty of rumors that she was murdered in a dark alley that night.

59. Someone must be creeping around.

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Yet, when you see him in the moonlight, run for your life. Because that’s when he’s in a stabbing mood.

60. Siblings always seem to dress alike.

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Yet, both seem to have different mask. Nonetheless, they’re guaranteed to kill you in your sleep.

61. These fairies walk in the garden hand in hand.

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Yet, do anything to hurt them and they will lash out. Still, you can bet on them haunting your dreams when you come across them.

62. These two Indians always know how pose for the camera.

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Okay, they’re white boys dressed as Native Americans. And yes, it’s certainly cultural appropriation. Though at least they’re not wearing war paint for a Redskins game.

63. Always help a little old lady across the street.

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Okay, these are just a couple of kids. But the Groucho Marx glasses doesn’t really help matters with the kid on the left.

64. You won’t see these witches’ faces.

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Since they’re wearing black masks. So you won’t know which one turned you into a toad.

65. Someone hasn’t had any luck trick or treating.

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I’m sure she’ll be back to get her revenge if she doesn’t get any candy. And whoever lives there won’t be seen or heard again.

66. A dog is a rather tranquil creature.

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Dear God, can someone get out their hunting rifle and shoot that thing? I don’t care if it doesn’t have rabies.

67. Be easy on him, he’s just come out of the laboratory.

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He’s also been experimented on a lot that he’s a really bad mood. So don’t stand in his way.

68. You may pass by this candelabra in the halls.

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So I guess the live action version of Beauty and the Beast wasn’t well received. Not sure why she’s not pictured with a clock.

69. Want to know what’s in the can?

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Actually, no. Since this thing scares the hell out of me and will haunt my dreams.

70. There’s a chance you might come across an organ grinder.

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However, the monkey seems way too big. And he seems kind of sad in his captivity.

71. Behold the all seeing radar eye.

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Man, this is freaky. Seriously, why would anyone wear this for Halloween?

72. Don’t forget to take the stairs.

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Those masks are simply frightening. Bound to inspire nightmares.

73. “Is this your cat?”

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Kind of feel bad for the cat. Seriously, you’d think this wolf would devour it at some point.

74. Co-join twins always know how to have fun.

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Yet, if you go near them, they will try to kill you. Don’t say that I didn’t warn you.

75. Is that a bear near that house?

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I think so. But I’d rather take my chances in the woods than with this guy.

76. “Come out and play with us, Danny.”

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Does one of them have a Native American mask? Either way, these kids look really creepy.

77. Would you want to see a rat like this in your yard?

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Seems like it. Yet, it’s especially scary that this photo was taken at night.

78. These women will beg for your attention.

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They certainly have my attention. Though how much do I have to pay to make them go away? Also, dressing as a disabled person for Halloween isn’t a great idea.

79. Seems like Satan can’t keep his hands off her.

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Well, the devil does have his hands on her breasts. Unlike some men, this doesn’t hurt the Prince of Darkness’ career. Since being an evil bastard is part of his job.

80. You’d almost think this was a real ghost car.

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In a way, it kind of is. After all, you have ghosts in the driver and passenger seat.

Ghastly Halloween Greetings in the Ghoulish Days of Old (Fourth Edition)

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Now it’s onto the vintage Halloween greeting cards. Over the years, I’ve showed my readers all the crazy Halloween vintage cards out there. Sure, the pumpkin scarecrow smoking a pipe might not fly today. Yet, compared to some of the old Halloween cards out there, it’s pretty tame. Of course, you’ll see plenty of witches, jack-o’-lanterns, ghosts, goblins, devils, skeletons, and other scary figures in the night. Yet, you’d also see plenty of other strange figures that would make you wonder whether these cards were created on an opium haze. You’ll find creatures made out of pumpkins and gourds. You’ll see children with pumpkin heads. You may even see a man in the moon with an unsettling grin. Furthermore, you may think the kids in these cards seem uncannily sinister than cute. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasure trove of crazy Halloween cards bound to give you either the giggles or nightmares.

  1. “When witches abound/And ghosts are seen/Your fate you will learn/On Halloween.”
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However, after she’s carving that pumpkin, Elsie plans on going on a midnight murder spree with her friends. Her cat’s not pleased.

2. “Gladys, I think you’ve been smoking peyote for far too long.”

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I don’t know about you, but the jack-o’-lantern seems pretty high. Like how is that possible?

3. “On Hallowe’en look in the glass/Your future husband’s face will pass.”

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Though I’d worry more about the shadowy witch behind her if I was that woman. Seriously, she’s literally in the shadows.

4. Have a happy Halloween but look out for goblins.

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So that’s what those pumpkin people near the mushrooms supposed to be. Yet, these kids don’t seem scared by them for some reason.

5. “Beware! The time is here/In which the witches do appear.”

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Forget the witches. I think the clock is kind of freaky looking. Not to mention, it has a jack-o’-lantern pendulum.

6. This witch comes to cast you a Halloween spell of good luck and riches.

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Judging by the cat freaking out, I kind of beg to differ. Since the witch kind of seems sinister with a jack-o’-lantern light.

7. Beware of the pumkinheaded man on top a white horse.

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Oh, wait, that’s a guy dressed as a pumpkinheaded man on a horse. Also, what’s with the cats on their backs? Are they dead?

8. Remember, ghosts come out on Halloween night.

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The owl’s like, “I freaking go out at night. You think I didn’t know that already?”

9. Beware of going out at night when the pumpkin man is on the premises.

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This boy doesn’t know what’s coming to him. Also, what’s with the green cat?

10. Halloween greetings from the little witch in the pumpkin house.

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Okay, that house looks pretty freaky. Yet, the little witch is more upset about her jack-o’-lantern falling apart.

11. On Halloween, even the cars have faces.

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That will certainly give you a deer in the headlights look. The kid driving it is even freakier.

12. Happy Halloween from the spider woman.

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Really don’t want to know how they would’ve drawn Spiderman. Seriously, the spider with a woman’s head already scares the shit out of me.

13. “May Halloween fun be yours.”

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These kids appear like the stuff of nightmares. No wonder the man in the moon is kind of freaking out.

14. Bobbing for apples is great Halloween fun.

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I wouldn’t think this boy sees it that way. More like he doesn’t want to go through that again.

15. “Boil and bubble/Toil and trouble.”

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The cat’s like, “When you’re finished, please don’t test it on me. I don’t want know what it’ll do to me!”

16. “On Halloween: a dark secret.”

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What’s that girl doing with that boy’s hand? I don’t have a good feeling about her.

17. You won’t get a fright if you set a jack-o’-lantern alight.

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However, I’m more scared of seeing the Ooompah Loompahs hauling a pumpkin out of the patch. Seriously, ever saw them sing whenever a kid succumbs to temptation?

18. Be wary of black cats on Halloween.

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For they seem to eye the girl with her jack-o’-lantern so eerily. Like they’re her minions doing her bidding. Even witches have trouble with black cats.

19. The demons always love to come out on Halloween.

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Though the smoking pumpkins seem far more sinister. The devils just seem like they’re jumping freestyle.

20. This lovely witch wishes you a joyful Halloween.

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But her broomstick is equipped with state of the art pumpkins and gourds. the jack-o’-lantern serves as headlights.

21. Nothing is more fun on Halloween than a witches’ circle.

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As the witches dance around the jack-o’-lantern, the cat’s hairs stand on end. Guess it doesn’t like how things are going or something more sinister.

22. Beware when the pumpkinhead ghosts comes to your door.

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I can see why this woman is certainly upset to see this ghoul. Since I’d feel the same way.

23. Halloween greetings from the night fairies.

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Here they carry Chinese lanterns on sticks. Still, I’m not sure what fairies have to do with Halloween.

24. On Halloween night, best to look behind the ghost in the mirror.

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Seems like the Oompah Loompahs are behind it. Though such hijinks by them seems kind of benign in comparison.

25. On Halloween night, even the youngest witches come out.

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By how that girl smiles, I can understand why the cats are freaking out. Since she seems likely to whack someone with her broomstick.

26. Don’t forget to feed the pumpkin on Halloween night.

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And here the demons are getting all the kindling and fuel at the ready. All this does is make the pumpkin even more terrifying.

27. To deter tick-tackers, always keep a pumpkin scarecrow in handy.

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Sure it may seem to do the trick. All this kid needed was a jack-o’-lantern, stakes, and a white sheet.

28. Look out, it’s the pumpkin man!

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Actually, I’m more disturbed with the costumed kids than the running pumpkin guy. After them, pumpkin man! Get ’em!

29. These children wish you a happy Halloween around the jack-o’-lantern.

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Though I’m not sure what scares me more: the creepy children or the glowing jack-o’-lantern. Yet, the cats seem to take it in stride.

30. “To greet you heartily this Hallowe’en.”

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Heartily? These pumpkins seem to go after the scared black cat with the intention to kill.

31. This witch gives you Halloween greetings from her pumpkin cauldron.

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Though she doesn’t seem happy with what she’s doing. “Why did I have to brew draught of the living dead when I could’ve left home and become a magician?”

32. Girls and boys always enjoy bobbing for apples.

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Jack-o’-lantern’s like “they’re going make out, aren’t they? Why do I have to see this?”

33. “The pumpkin light of Hallowe’en is the only by which elves are seen.”

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Those are elves? More like terrifying goblins from what I see. Please, keep them away.

34. Halloween greetings from the pretty red-haired witch.

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Apparently, the man in the moon seems to enjoy seeing her. The cat, not so much.

35. You can never have too many bats in the house on Halloween.

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Yet, why she’s in a lovely silk pink dress among the bats, I don’t have the slightest idea. And why is she holding up a broomstick? Is she a witch?

36. “You’ll meet your fate on Hallowe’en.”

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Well, the mice certainly know their fate. Yet, the pumpkin head kids on a log also give me nightmares.

37. Hope you have fun at a Halloween party.

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The girl in the witch costume is like, “I’d like to go home now.” And judging by the cats freaking out and the guy’s ghastly scarecrow costume, I wouldn’t blame her.

38. A Halloween bonfire is always a good time.

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However, these kids don’t seem to have any fun. Also, wonder what’s in that pot the ghost is stirring.

39. Guys, if you look into the fire on Halloween, you’ll see your future wife.

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Okay, that’s kind of freaky. Maybe he should try the mirror, that might be safer. Reminds me too much of Frollo’s “Hellfire.”

40. Halloween is always a night of revelry in an enchanted world.

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Are naked gnomes? God, they’re hideously terrifying. Definitely giving me bad dreams tonight.

41. A witch enjoys spending time with a pumpkin on a seesaw.

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Though the cat seems freaked out by the witch, I’m more terrified over the pumpkin. Also, its limbs seemed made out of peanuts.

42. “Don’t be scared on Hallowe’en/Things are seldom what they seem.”

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Yeah, that helps when you have a pumpkin headed demon behind you. Know that I was being sarcastic.

43. Beware of the dreaded pumpkin men on Halloween night.

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Here is a woman on a pumpkin who seems unimpressed by what she sees. Like she thought they’d be more scary looking.

44. Best you don’t get scared this Halloween.

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Apparently, that kid is like, “Just imagine what you’ll dream about when I get to you.” Don’t have a good feeling about this.

45. There’s nothing on Halloween than a dance with the pumpkin guys.

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Okay, I think whoever designed this car must’ve been some heavy drugs at the time. Yet, the cat’s basically like, “What the fuck is going on here?”

46. You’ll never know what will come out of your jack-o’-lantern on Halloween night.

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Kid doesn’t seem to mind that a witch is literally coming out of his pumpkin. Yet, even he doesn’t seem particularly right in the head either.

47. Don’t go in the woods on Halloween night if you dare.

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Those trees behind the boy seem particularly sinister. Get out of there, Johnny, before they kill you!

48. Halloween is always a time of spooks in the night.

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Though I think the moon seems to scare the shit out of me more than anything else in this card. Seriously, he doesn’t seem up to any good.

49. Perhaps you might want to go on a Halloween balloon ride.

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Yet, the balloon seems eerily empty. While the jack-o’-lantern still smiles. Not sure what to think.

50. Halloween greetings from a little witch and her cat.

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Cat’s basically like, “Help me!” You can’t even imagine what kind of hell it’s living through as this girl says, “I’ll hug ’em and squeeze ’em, and kee ’em forever and ever.”

I Want You to View These Vintage Wartime Propaganda Posters (Third Edition)

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Every year around the 4th of July (at least for the last two years), I’ve done a post of these old timey war propaganda posters which have become pop culture icons and occasionally internet memes. However, in late June I had to attend a wedding in Minnesota while a bunch of crazy stuff went on in the Trump administration, which I had to catch up on when I came back. So I’m running a little late with this. Anyway, unlike some of the propaganda outlets of today like Brietbart or Fox News, these war time posters weren’t really meant to deceive. If anything, they were more like Public Service Announcements stating that, “we’re all in this together,” especially the ones pertaining to WWII when the threat to survival was very real. At any rate, the artwork is always interesting to look at which is why they’re still in our public consciousness long after the wars they originated in have been long over. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of good old-fashioned wartime propaganda posters.

  1. He does his bit for 4 years so you buy bonds.

Since he’s Scottish, he wears a kilt in his uniform. Yes, I know it’s part of his heritage. But it’s not a great clothing choice to wear in the trenches.

2. “Hit Hard and often with the Marines!”

Apparently, this means bombing the shit out of some Japanese city. To be fair, we were at war with them at the time. But I kind of hate seeing beautiful architecture reduced to ruin though.

3. To prevent loose heads, inspect daily.

Because you don’t want a hammer to lose its head and land on your foot. Since it hurts like hell.

4. Work in construction? Join the Seabees.

These are US naval construction battalions. Yet, they seem to have among the least badass names ever.

5. Fight for Canada and stab bayonets into fire breathing vultures.

Well, I guess the black bird symbolizes Germany. Yet, while the Canadian soldier will beat the crap out of them, he’ll be polite about it.

6. “Every Time You Twist a Nut, Think of Hitler.”

I know they mean this in a mechanical sense. But you can also make an inside joke out of it, too.

7. If you’re Filipino, thank Japan for invading you.

Yes, the Philippines was a US territory at the time. And Japan is pointing out the US is playing they’re liberators from the Imperial oppressors angle. However, history shows us that this psychological tactic didn’t work.

8. Got tin cans, send them to the war effort.

Don’t forget to take off the labels and flatten them. Because you don’t want the salvage collector to reject them.

9. Serve those who served, become a VA nurse.

So you can treat soldiers who might be missing limbs and are suffering from PTSD. Yet, please don’t ask them about them watching their friends die.

10. The Army Corps of Engineers always clears the way.

So join up and you, too, could be a giant GI that would make Captain America look like a sissy. You’ll also get giant equipment, too.

11. “You’ll buy ’em, we’ll fly ’em!”

For this dead-eyed pilot needs all the ammo he needs to shoot at Messerschmitt’s. Buy bond stamps, please.

12. Join the Signal Corps where skill and courage count.

Because there needs to be some kind of communication among the burning rubble of Western Europe. Though I’m not sure what kind of horn can be heard above machine gun fire.

13. Can’t fight? Send money!

This is for the Canadian Patriotic Fund. And yes, Canada actually fought in both world wars.

14. Blot out the Hun with Liberty Bonds.

As far as propaganda posters are concerned, this was the easiest to design. Just a red hand print and typeface and voila.

15. Don’t pick up sultry ladies, soldiers, since they’re loaded with disease.

Indeed, even warnings on VD won’t stop soldiers from picking up prostitutes. Because many of them might be dead in the next fight anyway.

16. Hold up your end and send bonds!

Yet, not sure if this would help the nurse holding one end of a stretcher. Also, it’s for a bond fundraiser.

17. Are you Irish and Canadian? Join up and fight for Mom!

I’m sorry, but Whistler was neither Irish or Canadian. But that didn’t stop Canadians from using his painting as a recruitment poster.

18. “Grind These Heels in Our Wheels of US Production!”

Nowadays we just use robots to make the stuff. Unless they require some technical skill and engineering.

19. Join the military police of the troops and for the troops.

If being a soldier isn’t tough enough for you, then become a military cop to make sure your fellow men aren’t killing each other on their off-hours. May or may not be able to stop officers from committing war crimes.

20. Join a Volunteer Agricultural Camp to lend a hand on the land.

However, you’re unlikely to find any hunky man on the farm who’s neither terribly disabled or suffering from PTSD. Because those guys are overseas.

21. You came to this country, now help us preserve it. Save your wheat and food.

To be fair, there ware a lot of immigrants during WWI. So the image is warranted if you think otherwise.

22. Be an American Eagle and join the Army Air Service.

Disclaimer: New pilots will only receive limited training before combat. Also, average time in the air is 20 minutes.

23. Know a trade? Build for your Navy.

Yes, this is another Seabees poster. But this one is for the yards and docks where combat opportunities are limited.

24. Support the troops, send more fish.

Because fighting the German menace is more important than thinking about overfishing. Since fish is a fighting food.

25. “Dad, I’m off to war so you buy bonds!”

Since Johnny will have to leave his elderly father sooner or later. He’ll be drafted if he doesn’t volunteer.

26. Remember to practice safe SECS.

Meaning if you’re a soldier fighting, don’t give away certain info related to your job. Because the enemy can intercept it.

27. “Do it right, make it bite!”

So make bombs the right way to shoot down the enemy planes. Kind of a disturbing message to send.

28. Keep New Orleans safe, don’t talk about ship sailings.

Because a slip of the lip can sink a ship. For you don’t know who in New Orleans can be working for the Nazis.

29. Join WAVES and work on parachute strings.

Because someone has to make the parachutes strings straight on those Navy planes. So they’ll make a woman do it.

30. Pour that molten metal on to make the planes.

For the planes can’t make themselves. Also, don’t forget to put on your safety equipment. Though shirts are optional for some reason.

31. Keep America calm and stop needless noise.

Well, that’s something I can still get behind. Yet, this poster is telling Americans not to panic when everything goes to shit.

32. See that dead soldier? Well, he’s gone because of careless talk.

So keep your mouth shut and the next group of soldiers would be parachuting down alive. Understand?

33. Support your country, save waste paper.

Not sure what they’d use the waste paper for. But they also give instruction for packing certain types.

34. When America’s under threat, Lady Liberty draws her sword.

When Lady Liberty draws her sword, it’s really going to go down. Just look what the US did during the world wars.

35. Support the war effort and keep that lumber coming.

Since soldiers need to use all the wood they can get. Though the ones in the Pacific might be surrounded by jungle.

36. When you show up for work, you’re punching Hitler’s face.

So keep punching in every day. However, be careful with the munitions equipment that could send you to the hospital.

37. To win the war, more women must go to work.

But once the war’s over, women must leave their jobs for the men and settle down to be happy housewives. Kind of sucks if you think about it.

38. Soldiers, beware of the Juke Joint Sniper.

She’s also known as a prostitute or whore. And yes, she’s loaded with STDs.

39. Uncle Sam’s not done fighting yet.

So, Japan is next. And that would mean the US will drop a couple nukes on it until the country surrenders.

40. Support your country, build bombs and buy bonds.

Let’s hope she doesn’t cause an accident. Though her face does evoke some sadistic glee akin to a serial killer.

41. Make sure you can load and unload those docks fast.

Got to get those goods for the troops quick. Else, we’ll end up with Fascism.

42. When Columbia calls, men must enlist.

Funny, we don’t even use Columbia as Liberty anymore. Yet, she wields a flag and sword.

43. Save your country, donate your binoculars to the US Navy.

Since us looking for enemy U-boats is more important than spying on the neighbors and birdwatching. So send your binoculars, please.

44. Don’t forget to prepare for air raid protection.

Since you’ll never know whether the Germans will bomb the shit out of your hometown. Just ask the Brits.

45. Remember, that pickups might be full of STDs.

And these were meant for your grandparents’ generation. So I guess many didn’t keep it in their pants for their sweethearts back home.

46. Help us win the war so save your food.

Because all your food waste can be used to feed some hungry soldiers. And we need them well-fed to win.

47. Join the sub service to hit the Japanese where it hurts.

So join up living with a bunch of other guys like you in a cramped space to bring down Japanese aircraft carriers. Still, not exactly a nice place to be at.

48. Free speech doesn’t mean careless talk.

So use your freedom of speech wisely. Also, don’t talk around parrots.

49. Help win the war, invent for victory.

So if you have a more efficient idea about killing more people at a faster rate, give the US military a call. Hell, do it now.

50. We’ve just begun the fight, so join up.

Though this guy seems kind of frightened to me. Like he’s pleading for help than leading a charge.

51. Protect yourself since STDs are everywhere.

So remember, stay away from prostitutes. Or other scarlet women for that matter.

52. Support the war effort and build more B-24s.

It’s a bomber plane by the way. Still, if you’re assigned to one of these during WWII, best you write your last will and testament. Since they have a 50% survival rate.

53. Support the war effort by finding a job that fits you best.

Offer only valid until war ends. After that, women must give up their jobs for the menfolk. Because they belong in the kitchen according to their antiquated ideas.

54. Women, help our boys win the war and buy bonds.

Or else, this sweet old lady might feed you a poisoned pie. So send money.

55. Don’t boast till it’s over. Enemies also have their production machine going, too.

So best you don’t say anything until it’s all over. Whenever that is.

56. All you British ladies, come into the factories.

Just don’t blow yourself up and know you’ll only have that job until your man comes home. So keep calm and carry on.

57. Men of Britain, best you join up and stop air raids. Else, you’ll have your house bombed.

Of course, if you’re a guy during WWII, you’ll already fail miserably. Because we all know the Germans bombed the shit out of the UK. Though this one depicts a large airship for some reason.

58. In wartime, give all the help and comfort you can.

This is from the Jewish Welfare Board during WWI. But it would’ve worked just as well in WWII for obvious reasons.

59. Support your country and dig on for victory.

Since food rations for civilians can only go so far. So get on with your vegetable garden.

60. This summer of 1917, don’t forget to enlist since your country needs you.

If not, then expect Uncle Sam to look upon you in dismay. Also, you might get arrested for trying to buck the draft.

61. Your country needs you, join the Navy.

And yes, they use the woman in a naval uniform again. Despite that she won’t wear it in real life.

62. Are you a girl with a star-spangled heart? Be a WAC.

Look, ladies, you can join the Army, too. Of course, you won’t be assigned to combat duty. Because that’s men’s stuff.

63. Remember, sailors, don’t tell your date about naval operations.

After all, she could be German for all you know. Careless talk costs lives.

64. Are you a woman not doing vital work? Your country needs you now.

Because while the men are away, women need to step up. This is especially if they don’t have husbands or kids.

65. Are you playing square, soldier? Save gas.

Since the world only has a limited supply of oil. Best you save on your tank for the troops.

66. Only you can prevent forest fires and Fascism.

Kind of expecting Smokey the Bear to turn up at any moment. But he won’t be around till the 1950s.

67. Join the Marines to fight first in France for freedom.

Keep in mind you’ll be spending hours in some filthy trenches. Hope you don’t mind rats.

68. They have the guts, donate scrap metal.

Cause those tanks need all the scrap they could get. Not to mention, bullets are made of metal, too.

69. We can’t win the war without women.

Yes, you can’t win a war without women. But they still treated them like crap once it’s over.

70. Don’t crow or we lose the war.

And yes, there’s a giant rooster with the Axis Powers. So best keep your mouth shut and avoid careless talk.

71. Answer the call and join Pershing’s Crusaders.

But unlike their medieval counterparts, they don’t fight for their souls. And they spend more time in the trenches.

72. Support the men in the trenches. Enlist now.

Yeah, I know it’s a miserable experience with filth, disease, gunfire, and No Man’s Land. But your country needs you at the front. Still, the guy’s kind of creepy.

73. As Americans, we’ve always fought for liberty.

And it’s made no difference whether they’re Brits or Nazis. Yet, the uniforms and equipment have drastically changed.

74. Victory is always a question of stamina.

So send the troops your meats, fats, sugars, and anything laden with carbs. Since they need energy in the trenches.

75. When the empire is threatened, the lions must rise to the occasion.

Despite that it’s the lionesses who always do everything. Men, what can you do with them?

76. Women should always respond to the call of service for their country.

Yes, women, respond to the call of service. Your God-given right to vote can wait later. Since this is WWI poster.

77. Fight for your country, Australians, or the Germans will win.

Here they have Australia as New Germany. That should scare them into enlistment.

78. In America, free labor will always win.

Because American made weapons are top of their grade. Yet, we also have large multinational corporations willing to play both sides.

79. America beat the Germans before and we’ll beat them again.

However, this time they’re fighting for Der Fuhrer instead of the Kaiser. So it’s a bigger deal.

80. You never know who’s listening on the party line.

For it just as well could be Hitler for all you know. So no careless talk on the phone.

81. Support your country and join the Red Cross.

Sure they may be a great organization. But don’t mind its dubious reputation relating to corruption.

82. As FDR said, we must preserve hope. So buy bonds.

Not sure if this FDR image freaks me out. But he kind of reminds me of a mad scientist who’s about to experiment on some hapless trespasser in his castle.

83. This American soldier will go over the top for you.

And you see the soldier carrying the American flag. But in WWI, they’ll seldom go over the top. Since No Man’s Land is a real hell hole.

84. This woman’s husband is proud she did her part.

Well, at least he tries to be supportive. Though the expression reminds me of a man who’s struggling to feel secure with his masculinity. Yet, can’t help but feel a bit resentful over the whole thing.

85. Do your bit and get into the khaki.

Cause who else is going to fight in Gallipoli alongside a hot Mel Gibson? Sorry if I offended any Australian reading this.

86. Stop the black market. Don’t buy or sell on it.

Too bad there will always be a black market. And people will always make money on it.

87. British Empire soldiers always stand together.

That doesn’t mean the soldiers will get independence or be treated equally. But it’s WWI so it’s a recruitment tool.

88. America needs more nurses.

Here Uncle Sam gives a new nurse her hat. Now they wear scrubs.

89. While our men are at war, serve on the home front.

This is from Pennsylvania by the way. And there are some civilian organizations you can join, too.

90. Support the war effort, conserve energy.

Just remember there were no windmills, solar panels, and geothermal energy sources. So conserving fossil fuels is the only option.

91. Always remember that Hitler wants know.

So cut with the careless talk. Or you’ll help Hitler win the war.

92. It’s best to land with the US Marines.

But keep in mind, you wouldn’t want to fight with them on the Pacific. Because it’s a very violent place during WWII.

93. At night, it’s forward to victory.

For the German planes can bomb the shit out of Britain at any time in 1940. Best have the anti-aircraft gun ready at night.

94. Save energy and turn the gas down.

Guess most stoves were powered by natural gas. Seems like they should switch to electric.

95. This soldier lets his M-1 do the talking.

So in wartime, we must be careful on what we say. Or he’ll get riddled with bullets.

96. Why stand by during a brush fire? Fight the Germans back!

Because our effort needs all hands on deck. However, now our brushfire is the Trump administration. And too many are standing by watching our country burn thanks to Donald Trump, white supremacists, greedy corporations, and right-wing conspiracy nutjobs.

97. Save your coins, kids, and by war stamps.

And when little Jimmy turns 18, it’s straight to the trenches. But wars can’t win themselves, you know.

98. Support the troops, send money to the Red Cross.

Nowadays contributing to the Red Cross doesn’t carry as much weight as it used to. Yet, in this one, it acts like a shield for Lady Liberty.

99. Watch the ramparts, join the Army Air Forces.

And here he is holding a large bomb to be dropped in some city. But thanks to him, the skies won’t be so friendly.

100. Instead of dreaming of victory, fight for it! Buy bonds!

For soldiers can’t get on without stuff in the trenches. So send the US government money despite that they spend more on the military than anything else.

Easter Greetings from the Days of Yesteryear (Fourth Edition)

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During the Easter season, you might see a lot of these Easter greeting cards. Many of them depict beautiful imagery like you see above. Some of them might have cute bunnies and chicks. Some may have colored eggs and Easter baskets. Yet, while sending Easter greeting cards isn’t very common nowadays, people would send these back in the day. But while some of these may evoke warm feelings of nostalgia, some might make you scratch your head in confusion. Or inspire laughter. Since I started doing posts on vintage Easter cards, I’ve found plenty, especially if they pertain to anthropomorphic critters like rabbits and chicks. This time is no different. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of crazy vintage Easter cards that time forgot.

  1. Sergeant Bunny’s selling some eggs and chicks.

Here he has some eggs in bags and nets and chicks in a cage. Whew, selling this stuff must be a lot of work.

2. Gather round to hear some homeless bunny street musicians.

Heard they’re a folk music band called Benny Long Ears and the Hare Hutch. And they’re basically playing for carrots.

3. Easter greetings from the egg shell hot air balloon.

While it may look cute, you have to wonder about the laws of physics in this one. Because I’m not sure if an eggshell has any wind resistance.

4. Sometimes you have to lounge around in a giant eggshell.

Because walking your rabbits is always exhausting. Oh, that’s supposed to be a wagon?

5. Hope you can make yourselves at home at a giant egg house.

Apparently, they come from a world with two kinds of rabbits. Ones that wear clothes and walk on hind legs. And ones that don’t. Also, the chicken couple doesn’t seem to mind that the a sentient rabbit is hoarding eggs.

6. Nothing says Easter like a naked child on top a lamb.

However, the sheep doesn’t seem thrilled with the kid riding on it and incessantly ringing the bell. Yes, that can be annoying.

7. Easter greetings from the chick hikers.

However, Jerry wasn’t pleased with Stanley’s habit of singing and playing accordion music. If Stan didn’t stop, Jerry swore to God he’d whack him with his cane.

8. “Who ordered the Easter eggs?”

While the Easter Bunny fills Easter baskets once a year, he mostly works as a waiter. And he mostly gets by on tips.

9. Be careful holding Easter eggs on your dress.

Because the mama and daddy chicks are out for blood. Wait, chicks have chicks? This is messed up.

10. “So, kids, you want your eggs wrapped?”

And there you see the chicks looking by as the rabbit vender sells their fellow brethren to children. And they can’t do anything about it.

11. Children always delight seeing bunny egg races.

Funny, how the bunny’s driving two other bunnies to run the chariot. Not sure how that works.

12. Since Easter opens spring, love is in the air.

Though I’m not sure if this boy knows anything about consent. Because I don’t think the girl asked for it. Boy, sexual misconduct starts young.

13. Someone seems reluctant to get out of her shell.

Though she appears annoyed, it’s her doll that terrifies me. Yeah, that thing freaks me out.

14. Of course, you need egg lamps for the Easter parade.

Didn’t know that Easter eggs could light up like that. Yet, that doesn’t explain why they’re not wearing pants.

15. Eggshell rabbit wishes you a joyous Easter.

Yet, he’s greeted by a bunny with no clothes on. And the eggshell has a few cracks.

16. This chick has some eggs to sell in his basket.

Yes, this is a chick selling Easter eggs. Not sure how to explain that. And he’s even smoking a pipe.

17. City chickens always take the flower trolley.

So this trolley is filled with chicks and chickens. And yet, the chicks are seen as adults. Not sure why.

18. Sometimes a bunny has to do what she’s got to do.

Seems like the mother bunny’s come back with a load of eggs. And she’s showing her daughter the ropes.

19. Apparently, chicks always go for the bunnies.

Well, at least the rabbit is a gentleman. While the chick band plays in the background.

20. These 3 bunnies await for a steamship to come by the docks.

One bunny is using a chick for his portable organ. Like an organ grinder uses a monkey.

21. Holding a baby chick is always precious.

Yet, this girl is like, “I’ll hug em’ and squeeze em’ and keep em’ for ever and ever.” Yeah, that chick’s not set for a happy life.

22. Hop aboard the mighty SS Eggshell.

It’s an eggshell wooden ship with sails and flowers. But it’s all manned by chicks.

23. Chicks always love to fly on an Easter basket airship.

It even has Easter egg sand bags. But let’s hope no beak goes near the blimp.

24. Easter greetings from the chicks on a jeep.

Okay, it’s an old fashioned car. And the chicks are in military hats. But you have to like the pussy willow hood ornament.

25. In America, Easter chicks always hop off the blimp with a ladder.

Yes, I know it’s kind of crazy. But at least they’re not putting their beaks at the canvas.

26. Nothing impresses like pulling a rabbit out of their hat.

Yet, the bunny doesn’t seem impressed. Hope that woman stops gloating because she might be in a world of pain.

27. Spring cherubs always spread happiness at Eastertide.

This is kind of like a version of the bunny egg chariot. But the naked children pulling the egg cart don’t seem to mind.

28. Children always like finding eggs and chasing chickens.

Luckily the rooster got his family behind the giant Easter egg. Still, if the kids piss him off, they will soon regret it. Because roosters will attack.

29. I guess nobody wants to share a small egg home with a sheep.

Don’t look now. But I think that sheep just mauled the little kid. Yes, this home isn’t big enough for the both of them.

30. Let’s stop by to the hen with the Easter eggs.

Tragically, she’s so poor that she’ll have to sell some of her own children. What a shame.

31. Sometimes the Easter Bunny may toss an egg to a child.

Let’s hope that egg doesn’t break. Or else the girl gets egg all over her face.

32. A white rabbit is always a stunning Easter sight.

Yet, a white rabbit with red eyes has a certain creepiness to it. And this one seems like it’s up to something.

33. This chick and rabbit sit on a bench on a lazy afternoon.

The chick has a basket of eggs. Yet, the chick and bunny seems kind of messed up to me.

34. Victorian ladies often found bunnies irresistible.

She keeps them in the cage she’s sitting on along with a couple of chicks. Oh, and she’s wearing a fur stole while holding one.

35. “May Easter now and ever be,/A source for pleasure pure for thee.”

Yes, I know the rabbit’s talking from the egg. But it’s the little girl who creeps me out.

36. It’s well known that the Easter Bunny often stages a raid at a chicken coop.

Yet, while dismayed, the hen gives up without a fight. The rabbits are stunned.

37. Hobo rabbits often travel on old timey bikes.

How these rabbits can climb up the bikes, I have now idea. Yet they somehow do while carrying bindle sticks.

38. Somehow this chick’s terrified of taking a swim.

Considering what swimsuit she’s wearing, I wouldn’t blame her. Those kinds of swimsuits were impractical anyway.

39. It’s always best to practice singing early in the morning.

But standing on an egg? Not the brightest idea. Though I do like how the conductor is in his robe and pajamas.

40. While on a boat ride, a guitar always comes handy.

Yet, it seems that no one wants to hear Old Cheepy play “Oh, Susannah” for the 100th time. How annoying.

41. Apparently, Johnny likes to balance a chicken and eggs on his head.

There are so many ways this can go wrong. Also, that girl looks a bit weird.

42. “So what will it be for the eggs?”

And I see the kids and the rabbit are at the haggling stage. Don’t really want to know how this goes.

43. It takes a bell to teach bunnies how to sing.

A bell conducting bunnies during a recital? Sounds like this card was envisioned during a absinthe binge.

44. “Wait, who goes there?”

Well, if you were minding your business while being intruded by a creepy guy with a hammer and chisel, you’d feel the same way. That guy is terrifying.

45. Happy Easter from a couple of egg people.

Yes, I know these two seem like they’re straight from a drunken haze. Because I don’t know how else to explain it.

46. Speaking of egg people, here’s a couple walking their bee.

Yes, this is an egg couple walking their bee. Can’t believe I just said that.

47. Occasionally, a rooster might upset the eggs from the basket.

Not sure what I find a bit freakish about this. The large rooster screaming over eggs about to break? Or its human hands?

48. Hope your Easter comes well stacked.

Though these bunnies are stacked on each other, one is worried how their tower will hold. Let’s hope it doesn’t fall.

49. These bush bunnies wish you a happy Easter.

However, these rabbits seem like they’re planning to kill someone than give eggs to children. Avoid them like the plague.

50. This bunny band always plays on the eggs.

One’s even playing on eggs with music on it. Yet, let’s hope they’re careful for eggs aren’t the most durable things.