We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Sixth Edition)

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Of course, no one can celebrate Christmas without Christmas cards. After all, it’s probably one of the only holiday greeting cards people still send to each other. Many of them would contain generic images like the bell one above. But they mostly consist of Christmas trees, snowmen, nativity scenes, wreaths, and what not. Many may hold nostalgia for these vintage cards which can be beautifully painted. However, alongside the lovely vintage cards, there are some that don’t seem to make any sense, especially if they come from the Victorian era. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas cards from decades past.

  1.  Santa going down the chimney is always a special treat.
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Here Santa asks himself, “Why do I have to go down chimneys when it’s more convenient to go through the front door instead? That would at least save me from all the aches and soot all over me.”

2. Santa fills his sack.

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Yet, even though his sack is already full, it won’t be enough. Mostly because he has to deliver presents to millions of kids in one night. And he knows it.

3. Celebrating Christmas alone is always dismal.

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Hey, the guy didn’t spend Christmas at a Waffle House. Now that’s really depressing, especially if you have to work there.

4. “Here’s Santa.”

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Well, you can’t expect Santa to wear his iconic red suit every Christmas Eve. This is especially if he suffers a wardrobe malfunction while trying it on.

5. Read the tea leaves for a joyous Christmas.

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What the hell do tea leaves have to do with Christmas? Any hint here? Seriously, why?

6. Even garden gnomes enjoy building giant snowmen.

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Just look at one of them slide down. Also, is it really snowing?

7. Watch where you ride your bike this Christmas.

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Cause you could ride off the edge and end up in the water. So don’t read and drive.

8. No one could resist kids and animals, especially on Christmas.

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Here a little girl hangs some green stuff over her dog. The dog isn’t pleased in the very least.

9. Winter time is always the right time for a sled ride.

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Guy’s probably thinking, “Why did I have to do this? Couldn’t Mabel and I just spend a peaceful afternoon playing backgammon near the fire? I hope we don’t die.”

10. All she wants for Christmas is cash.

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Here she’s got bags of it. Must have very wealthy parents. So she won’t have a problem snagging a husband. Even if he’s below her standing.

11. Krampus seeks all the bad kids during the holiday season.

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Yes, he uses a global tracking system to locate them. Hear Donald Trump’s kids are on the top of his list.

12. Krampus abducts the bad kids.

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Girl’s like, “Thank you for kidnapping my brother, Krampus. He’s a complete piece of shit.”

13. Don’t forget to hang your stockings close to the fire.

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Though I think that might be too close if you know what I mean. Also, the kids look rather creepy if you ask me.

14. Krampus often appears alongside St. Nick this holiday season.

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St. Nick gives toys to the good girls and boys. Krampus gives bad kids what they deserve. Yet, both figures act like they’re like seeing kids at the mall for photo ops here.

15. Santa wishes you a Merry Christmas.

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Okay, that’s a creepy Santa. Not sure if I want to receive toys by that terrifying old man who seems more out for blood than wanting to spread joy and cheer.

16. Don’t be an ass this holiday season.

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What the hell do donkeys have to do with Christmas? I know they’re in nativity scenes but still.

17. May you all have a happy Christmas.

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Unfortunately, these kids don’t seem to be celebrating with joy and cheer. Then again, there was plenty to be blase about in the 1800s.

18. Merry Christmas from the child abducting Snow Queen.

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Kind of reminds me the white witch meeting Edmund. But without the hard drug of Turkish delight, which is crack in Narnia.

19. Everyone knows the little drummer boy. But what of the little shepherd boy?

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He kind of feels left out in the whole nativity story. Still, the big eyes are kind of creepy. No hard feelings, Margaret Keane.

20. Merry Christmas from the clown and turkey pageant.

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The turkey reminds me of Doc Brown from Back to the Future. While clown just plain gives me the creeps for some reason.

21. Even cats enjoy the occasional sleigh ride.

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Let’s hope nothing upsets whatever’s in the bag. And I hope the lantern doesn’t set anything on fire.

22. Share a toast for the holidays.

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And yet, this card features children boozing it up. What the fuck? Seriously, these kids seem like they’re a bunch of alcoholics.

23. Here the children watch for Santa by the fireplace.

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That kid on the chair reminds me of a weird-looking kid from a Saint Vincent de Paul statue at my college. And yes, the girl’s features are way out of proportion.

24. No one can resist a couple of cats on Christmas.

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One cat’s like, “How about you wear this white skirt?” While the white cat’s like, “Hell, no, I’ll wear the red one instead.”

25. Kid clown wishes you a merry Christmas.

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Okay, why is the kid in a clown costume around Christmas? Seriously, Halloween was like over a month ago.

26. When Christmas dinner’s done, it’s time to dance.

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And yet, they’re all dressed up in costumes, confused by what holiday this is supposed to be. One’s even dressed as a wizard.

27. Goat wishes you a happy Christmas.

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Just what do goats have to do with Christmas? Seriously, I have no idea. Can someone elaborate for me?

28. Nothing says Christmas like a vegetable beating.

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Man, can’t believe the early years of Veggie Tales featured such graphic violence. While the carrot’s like, “What the hell are you doing?”

29. On Christmas, some kids get all the presents.

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And this kid seems really happy with al the stuff they have. And if you attempt to play with any of their shit, they will kill you.

30. Krampus always has to put the kids in the basket.

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Krampus is like “Stop crying, I don’t have all night here.” While the girl’s just smiling and sitting pretty.

31. Here Krampus flies on his broom of brats.

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Though most of these kids seem under the age of 3. Far too young and innocent to be considered either bad or good.

32. “I’ve come to collect.”

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The kids are like, “Oh, no, please don’t take us. We’ll be good. We swear.”

33. Krampus doesn’t care about pulling a girl’s hair out.

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He’s like, “You don’t want me to yank your hair out, do you. Now get in the basket.”

34. Santa looks at his Christmas orders.

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Here he’s thinking, “Oh, great, Elsa doll again. Can’t these girls ask for anything else like a dollhouse?”

35. Krampus always enjoys his work.

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Indeed, he’s got a sadistic streak. So these kids are in for a world of pain.

36. Why would Santa need a sleigh if he can just fade into the background?

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After all, he’s wearing a red suit that goes with the wall. And he’s about to teleport to the next house.

37. Grasshopper and moth wish you a merry Christmas.

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Well, the grasshopper’s supposed to be the fairy queen’s messenger. Whatever that’s supposed to be. Seriously, what was this designer smoking?

38. “Who thought getting a flamingo to Santa was a good idea?”

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Yeah, if you’re a small garden gnome, that’s no a good idea at all. This is especially during the holiday season, especially in Florida after a freak snowstorm.

39. This boy just wants to make it easier for Santa.

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Seriously, Santa should take advantage of the convenience. The boy’s making him an offer he can’t refuse.

40. “There you are Krampus.”

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For when you’re adult, you can pull a Krampus like a rabbit out of a hat. So he can’t scare you anymore.

41. Dogs wish you a happy Christmas.

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Though the puppy looks a bit evil looking. Like it plans on chewing on your new clothes just for the hell of it. Or peeing on your new carpet.

42. Merry Christmas from an attack dog and the donkey that steals your laundry.

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Why would anyone hang their clothes on the line in winter? Seriously, that’s the worst time of year to do so.

43. Compliments of the season from the bugs with a basket.

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I’m sure whatever’s in the basket isn’t having a good time. Since the bugs intend to feast soon enough.

44. What’s faster the snail or the cockroach?

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The cockroach and butterfly of course. Snails are incredibly slow creatures. Also, why is this a Christmas card?

45. Merry Christmas. Now watch these pigs and gnomes riding bikes.

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Who the hell rides bikes during the winter? Seriously, this is messed up on so many levels.

46. “May Christmas render your heart and home full of happiness.”

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Featuring a gnome who kind of resembles Santa. But he’s small and near some ivy. Not sure why it’s there.

47. If Krampus comes, helps if you come prepared.

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Girl’s got her whip in case he comes behind her. She’s not going to risk getting kidnapped. Or at least without a fight.

48. Loving Christmas greetings from a rickshaw.

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And it has to be the girl who has to do the pulling. Kind of sexist if you ask me.

49. Christmas time is one of cheer.

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Yet, the chick’s not feeling it for this band. Also, shouldn’t this be an Easter card instead? Seriously, why use Christmas?

50. Fish always dig into the soup.

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Okay, wonder how they use their fins to hold eating utensils. Seriously, you’d think this was straight out of Spongebob Squarepants.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Sixth Edition)

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Of course, we can’t have Christmas without all that annoying Christmas music you want to shut yourself away from and can’t avoid. Seriously, even before Thanksgiving, you find it everywhere. But after Thanksgiving, Christmas music is turned up to overdrive. And yes, it’s annoying and will make your ears bleed if you’ve ever had to work in retail. Still, you don’t have to be the artists who recorded them. Since they have to do these while on their summer vacations. Anyway, while some of these covers may be stunning like this Beatles one above, a lot of these aren’t that memorable. In fact, some of them are kind of tacky and in poor taste. Others haven’t aged well and can be rather unintentionally funny. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage Christmas album covers. Enjoy.

  1. Les Menestrels: Tetes Decembrees de Noel
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Why is that one head smiling? The woman’s like she’s ready to mount them on her wall with her hunting trophies.

For nothing says Christmas like a blond woman holding 2 disembodied heads.

2. Toby Keith: Classic Christmas

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Yet, I have no idea why he’s wearing a Santa hat over his cowboy hat. I mean make up your mind already. Also, it’s clearly photoshopped.

Celebrate the season country style.

3. Shelley Duvall: Merry Christmas

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Though I’d rather have them clean my house. Also, are those reindeer or horses?

Featuring cartoon woodland creatures.

4. Dynamite: Dynamite’s Soul Christmas

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Give him some Jack Daniels whiskey and sandwiches instead. Maybe a few bottles of the former.

Sorry, kids, but Santa’s through milk and cookies this year.

5. 98°: This Christmas

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Yet, they must use really good bleach because their outfits stand out more than anything else. Also, clearly photoshopped.

These guys must be dreaming of a white Christmas.

6. Vincent Lopez: Christmas Music

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Santa sits back on a plastic chair like he’s drunk off his ass. Also, that chair can’t be very comfortable.

Cause even Santa needs a break now and then.

7. Soulful Dynamics: Dying Snowman

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Sure, it would’ve been a decent cover if it wasn’t for the title. Also, the snowman’s face just says it all.

When you want to spice up the holiday season with some existential dread.

8. Los Tremendos Sepultureros; El Nino del Tambor

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Seriously, why do they have a woman in a sleazy Santa outfit? Now the guys are really anticipating their Christmas lap dance.

For the guy who wants to hold his bachelor party during the holidays.

9. Xmas a Go Go

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Seriously, these guys seem like they’re just doing the album for the money. And that they’d rather be somewhere else like on vacation.

For the J and K pop band who needs a few extra bucks.

10. The Joy Strings: Christmas with the Joy Strings

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Also, what the hell is that black girl doing here? Does she have a black parent taking the picture? Was she adopted? Or is she there just to bring some mandatory diversity among the kids? Seriously, her appearance needs some context.

Brought to you by one of the guys from Goodfellas.

11. Freunde: Wir Warten Auf Weihnachten

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This guy doesn’t seem to like being Santa. Maybe he should throw a toy at the kids. Can start with that plush bunny.

When you have to work as a mall Santa around kids with no consideration for your personal space.

12. Edna Gallix: Petit Papa Disco Hit Noel

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What the hell is that woman wearing? The cape over the sleeveless outfit doesn’t make much sense to me.

When St. Nick likes what he sees.

13. Cabbage Patch Kids: A Cabbage Patch Christmas

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Yes, these dolls were very popular during the 1980s and 1990s. And no, I have no idea why they’re in the winter cold only wearing sweaters.

Apparently, these dolls can sing.

14. Crazy Frog: “Jingle Bells/Last Christmas”

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I mean frogs wouldn’t be out during the winter since they’re cold blooded. And they wouldn’t be rolling snowballs without a coat on either.

Well, this frog is sure damn crazy.

15. Diommy Kito: Xmas Memories

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After all, these guys have devil ears and pitchforks. While the woman between them doesn’t have much on.

You can tell something went naughty at this party.

16. Paul Kuhn and his Orchestra: Christmas Polka

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He seems to have a lot of cans of it, too. Wonder if he’s planning to enter an eating contest.

When you just have to help yourself to some yuletide sausage.

17. Filobin: Filobin Chante Noel

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Kind of reminds me of Pennywise’s accountant. And ladies, please, don’t take his rose or he will kill you. Mark my words.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you a singing Christmas clown.

18. Ferrante and Teicher: Xmas Hi Fivories

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Though I’m not sure if they know what they’re doing. Also, what’s in that one reindeer’s bucket? It better not be water.

Reindeer repairing pianos standing by.

19. Lula: Natal Alegre

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You can see how Santa eyes the woman with a pervy stare. I’m sure Mrs. Claus won’t be happy about this.

Apparently, Santa digs chicks with pink hair.

20. King Diamond: No Presents for Christmas

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And apparently, the reindeer doesn’t seem to appreciate it. Least of all posing with a guy from a KISS cover band.

Don’t forget to decorate your reindeer this Christmas.

21. Lady Gaga: A Very Gaga Holiday

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Since the text seems to run into her picture. For God’s sake, you can barely see the title.

Sometimes the font seemed like a good idea at the time.

22. Lynn Anderson: The Christmas Album

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Yeah, her face just seems like she’s smiling but has feelings of anxiety and annoyance inside. And she’s getting impatient.

When you pose for an album that you do because you’re under contract.

23. Mambo Santa Mambo: Christmas from the Latin Lounge

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Yet, the dancers are shown in yellow light with some dark shadows. While the woman’s dress opens quite high on her thigh.

Christmas time is always great for a mambo.

24. The Roller Disco Orchestra: Non-Stop Christmas Disco

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And yes, some guys are dancing to it. Still, I don’t get the Christmas disco craze. Seriously, why?

For when your Christmas can’t get more 1970s.

25. Rod Stewart: Merry Christmas, Baby

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Still, the album image and title might appeal to Boomers, I don’t consider Rod Stewart as sexy at any rate. For God’s sake he sounds like he has throat cancer.

For when you record a Christmas album to prove you still got it.

26. Rolf Harris: Rolf Harris Sings Mary’s Boy Child

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Sure dad and child look at the nativity lamp. But I’m sure if I’d trust the guy with that kid. Kind of seems creepy.

Of course, you can’t forget the reason for the season.

27. Connie Canuso: Connie Canuso Sings “Someone Painted Rudolph’s Nose a Chocolate Brown”

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Girl seems freaked out by the fact. Still, that reindeer in this cover looks incredibly terrifying for some reason.

So does make Rudolph having to function as a normal reindeer?

28. Natal Jovem: Boas Festas

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Well, they’re bodies and heads seem quite close together that it’s freakish. Also, their eyes are rather funny.

Brought to you by a freaks 3 headed Santa.

29. Shonen Knife: A Shonen Knife Christmas Record for You

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Yes, there’s a group called Shonen Knife. There are even lyrics for “Space Christmas,” which I really don’t want to listen to.

Dress styles inspired by Mondrian.

30. Jularbo: Jul med Jularbo

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One of the accordion players is alleged to be the father of Weird Al Yankovic. But as of now, that theory is inconclusive. Still, one accordion is enough, okay?

Introducing 3 Santas playing polka.

31. James Brown: James Brown’s Funky Christmas

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For an artist as legendary as James Brown, you’d think he’d have the best album cover designer. This seems more straight out of some software printshop program from the 2000s.

Cover by dated graphics program.

32. Larry the Cable Guy: Christmastime in Larryland

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And he’s wearing a Santa hat over a camo hat. Still, the smiling disembodied head just freaks me out.

Featuring Larry’s disembodied head.

33. Lawrence Welk: “Jingle Bells”

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After all, the parents are in their pajamas and giving the ornaments a shine. And I thought I had a problem with procrastination.

Apparently, this family was quite late decorating their Christmas tree.

34. Merle Haggard: Merle Haggard’s Christmas Present

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One daughter has a wide collar on her red dress. One seems dressed like Waldo in coveralls. While a boy’s got stripes on a real tacky brown shirt.

Here with his guitar and embarrassed that he’s one of the only member of his family normally dressed.

35. Ames Brothers: The Sounds of Christmas Harmony

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The dad’s touching the boy’s shoulder and I’m not sure whether it’s appropriate. Probably is. Also, I don’t think the mom should hold the candle that way.

The family that sings carols together stays together.

36. Los Diplmaticos: Navidades

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Actually, people would rather you not. Since they’d rather get drunk, eat, socialize, or open presents. Mostly the last one.

I’m sure everyone wants to hear your sax solo at the Christmas party.

37. Gary Glitter: Another Rock and Roll Christmas

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I’m sure that’s just a coincidence. Still, the outfit and hair are so 1970s. Also, he got involved in a sexual misconduct charge involving minors.

Is it just me or does he remind me of Dewey Cox from Walk Hard?

38. Celine Dion: Chantes et contes de Noel

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Yet, you’d almost think the kids surrounding her are ready to crush her. Wonder if she can get out of there in one piece.

Guess this was for a French Candian audience.

39. Heinjte: Weihnachten mit Heinjte

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Though the cover’s clearly photoshopped. Also, his eyes kind of reveal that he doesn’t want to be there.

Apparently, one’s never too young to celebrate Christmas solo.

40. Tino Rossi: “C’est la Belle Nuit de Noel.”

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Well, some kid took his beard. Still, doesn’t seem too fazed over it. Maybe French kids think about Santa differently. But the teddy bear thinks otherwise.

“Hey, you’re not Santa.”

41. Baldo: Petit Pepe Noel

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Yet, there’s one guy who seems rather excited by the upcoming Christmas bar drinking. The other guys play it cool.

“Christmas beer for everyone.”

42. Jimmy Jules and the Nuclear Soul System: Christmas Done Got Funky

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Not sure if that’s a good idea. This is especially if the only white guy bears a slight resemblance to Steve Buscemi.

Apparently, they decided to go shirtless for the cover.

43. The Lundstroms: Colorado Christmas

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Since all the women and girls in this obviously have their hair styled in some unnatural way. Kind of reminds me of pictures you’d see on Awkward Family Photos.

Brought to you by copious amounts of hairspray.

44. Jimmy Sturr and His Orchestra: “Polka Christmas” in My Home Town

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He also wears a black shirt with a pink sweater. And he doesn’t care the least. Nor does he mind the godawful upholstery.

Here Jimmy spends Christmas all by himself being the true loner he is.

45. La Tuna Estudiantina de Cayey

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The lollipops look like they’re eaten. While the snowmen have no personality.

Featuring candy snowmen and candy canes.

46. Merry Christmas

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The red background doesn’t do any wonders for them. Also what are those ball gift things?

When you want to look cool for the holidays but fail.

47. We Wish You a Merry Christmas

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Apparently some are wearing leis. Did they do this photo op while on a Hawaii vacation? Or did some wear whatever they had on at the time?

Featuring all the artists who were under Warner Brothers contracts.

48. Three Suns: Christmas Party

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Even the illustrated bird is like, “what the hell, man.” Yeah, it’s quite strange looking isn’t it?

And one that seems to go with formal attire in ornaments.

49. Alvin Styczynski: Alvin’s Christmas Album

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You know the guy who thinks he’s such a great musician but will never leave. Because the music industry is a cutthroat business that only values looks.

Featuring music by that guy you know in accounting.

50. Jim Jones & Skull Gane: A Tribute to Bad Santa

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One guy sits on a throne with Jack Daniels and a cigar. While the other guys are behind sacks. Or are they in them?

You mean the forgettable film starring Billy Bob Thornton?

Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Vintage Christmas Advertising of Yesterday (Sixth Edition)

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Since Halloween, you find the media practically saturated with Christmas advertising. After all, a tradition of gift giving presents a major capitalistic opportunity no corporation can refuse. So much so that Christmas commercials appear to air in September and you may see Christmas stuff in stores before October’s done. Of course, vintage Christmas advertising was also just as infectious in our public life. I mean how was Dr. Seuss able to create the Grinch? Anyway, out of the Christmas ads that’ll inspire nostalgia, there are some that haven’t aged well that they can sometimes be hilarious. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas vintage ads that will make you scratch your head. Enjoy.

  1. Santa and the Quaker Oats man sit at the fire.
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Santa’s like, “Are you sure you didn’t put anything in these cookies?” And the Quaker Oats guy is like, “Uh, these are from an old family recipe” with a rather mischievous smirk. Meanwhile little Jimmy watches the whole thing go down.

2. Your little girl would like this any of these baby dolls.

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I suppose they’re much better looking when you see them in person. Because these dolls come across as incredibly creepy to say the least.

3. Support the war effort. Buy Victor Records.

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Though having a record shaped Santa kind of disturbs me. But he doesn’t seem to care.

4. Can’t find a gift? Tom Smith’s Novelties has you covered.

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Not sure if I should delight in Santa’s smile. It’s like he has, “I see you when you’re sleeping” look that’s freaking me out.

5. Santa Claus soap will keep clothes clean.

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That girl looks kind of weird like her head’s not in proportion to her body. Kind of reminds me of a statue I saw at St. Vincent.

6. Campbells adds minutes to busy Christmas shopping days.

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After all, you need to settle down the little psychos somehow. The boy seems like he wants a carving knife and a BB gun to torture his neighbor’s cat.

7. Make gifts gay the easy way with Texcel Christmas gift tape.

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Really? I thought it was wrapping gifts in flashy wrapping paper that screams something Elton John would use. You might also want to add flamboyant sunglasses.

8. Nothing beats Sealtest Egg Nog.

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Santa, you have a very busy night. So you might want to drink to much. Don’t want to drink and sleigh ride, right?

9. Reynolds aluminum gift wrap gives Christmas color magic.

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Woman marvels on how the presents are wrapped. The guy stands in his robe with a pipe all proud of himself. Though do we really react like that do wrapping paper? No.

10. Seems like GE fridges are really popular this year.

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Santa is nearly up to his knees in letters. Despite that fridges can last for a very long time. Also, I wonder why Santa isn’t this stressed more often.

11. This Christmas take some Santa Claus sugar plums.

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This Santa seems less like the jolly fat guy we know and love. And more like a grumpy trucker who’d rather do anything else than deliver presents to kids on Christmas Eve.

12. Need a break during the busy holiday season? Give the kids some soup for lunch.

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Mom’s a bit stressed by all the Christmas shopping. Her daughter’s just daydreaming about breaking Billy’s legs over winning a penmanship award at school.

13. Best you skip the cookies this year and give Santa some jello instead.

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Yet, Santa peeks under the table to find a sleeping child. Still, the jello would’ve melted by the time he came.

14. This Christmas, Lucky Strike has you covered.

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Because nothing says Christmas like the gift of lung cancer. Also you’ll age terribly and die early, too.

15. Give her the gift of leisure during our Christmas sale.

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Sorry, but I can’t buy her smile. Vacuums are noise machines. Also, is that a curtain or a fire.

16. Talkative Baby Beans is the hot toy of the season.

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Sure, she may seem innocent. But when you’re asleep, she’ll grab a knife and try to kill you in your sleep. Don’t believe me?

17. Remington Portable is a gift inspiring gratitude.

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I don’t know about you, but this Santa’s really weird looking. As if he’s a space alien in an ill-fitting human disguise suit.

18. The whole family wants this Dayton Koolfoam pillow.

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Didn’t know foam pillows existed back then. Yet, I wonder if any in the family will eventually fight over that thing once Christmas is over.

19. Give him shaving pleasure with Gillette.

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Here Santa holds a giant razor that he’ll never use for his own beard. But he does put it on the sleigh that he uses as a snow plow sometimes.

20. Stay young at heart with Watkins Vitamins.

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How can a whole family fit on a sled light that? Also, what’s the weight limit? Oh, and watch out for that tree straight ahead.

21. Kris Jingle’s Wonderland of Gifts has everything you need for the season.

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And no, despite what the ad says, that plush toy is not “lovable.” In fact, it’s kind of terrifying.

22. Geoffrey the Giraffe’s having some trouble with the tree.

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He doesn’t seem too happy in his Santa outfit. Unfortunately, Toys “R” Us will end up declaring bankruptcy thanks to private equity. It’s a sad story.

23. Vincent Price selects this ornament set for you.

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I wouldn’t take Christmas advice from Vincent Price. Besides, Christmas isn’t really his holiday, going by the kind of movies he’s done.

 

24. Give her the best. Give her a Hoover.

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Absolutely not. Seriously, no woman wants a vacuum for Christmas. And if I got one from my husband, I’m not sure what I’d do.

25. Create holiday candy fantasies with Karo Syrup.

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Ugh. Those candies look pretty disgusting. Also, who the hell puts peppermint in popcorn?

26. Santa falls off his sleigh and lands in a convertible.

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For Christ’s sake, that’s just really dangerous. Seriously, why would Santa do this? I mean he could be killed for God’s sake. Also, is that car moving?

27. Borden’s eggnog hits the spot.

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You can tell because the cow is totally wasted. I mean look at her face.

28. Now that you found the perfect tree, put the perfect gift under it.

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Uh, how big is this guy’s house? Seriously, he must have skyscraper high ceilings because that tree looks so freaking huge. Then again, he might use it for the outdoors.

29. This Christmas, give someone the gift of Gab.

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Actually, these phones won’t do you any good in the 21st century unless your giftee liked antiques. Since they’re basically obsolete.

30. Need a boost in Christmas preparations. Try Borden’s instant coffee.

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You mean they made coffee, too? Also, she seems to host a party with a lot of smaller people there.

31. Celebrate the season with Johnny Walker Red.

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Here he’s trying out his Santa suit. The pants are too big for him. Still, not in front of the kids.

32. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer wants you to buy GE appliances.

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Yet, they have Stan the Snowman near a toaster oven. You know what happens to snow when it’s near a heat source.

33. Santa goes for Whitman’s chocolates.

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There’s something disturbing about Santa here. As if he’s hogging the candy for himself. Seriously, Santa, those are supposed to be for the kids.

34. Nintendo sends high-powered greetings.

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And yes, their sleigh’s powered by rockets. Shove it, flying reindeer. This is the future.

35. You can take a White Horse anywhere. Even the North Pole.

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But that doesn’t mean a white horse will fit in among the reindeer. Sorry, Shadowfax. I know how you’ve been struggling with employment since Gandalf left for the Gray Havens.

36. Thirst knows no season.

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Still, I don’t think those pants will keep you warm in the snow when you’re out skiing. Sher may be even possibly drunk. Also, her scarf looks way too long.

37. Edison Christmas lights are perfectly safe.

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Santa’s like, “I haven’t seen these lights before.” Still, considering that these lights produce no smell, smoke, or grease, what were people lighting their trees with before electric lights came in? Oh, gas or candles. That explains it.

38. Anyone want a fruitcake?

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On second thought, kill this terrifying creature. Kill it with fire. Seriously, that thing just freaks me out and belongs in a horror movie as the character killing everyone.

39. Prince Albert always makes a great gift for smokers.

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Seriously, Santa? It doesn’t. Prince Albert is tobacco. Tobacco causes cancer and kills people. For God’s sake, don’t give anyone tobacco products on Christmas.

40. Nothing makes a Christmas like getting a Harley Davidson motorcycle.

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Apparently, this garden gnome seems to think so. Also, motorcycles don’t make great gifts. They’re expensive, guzzle gas, and give riders some crazy fantasies that automatically scream either safety hazard or midlife crisis.

41. This Christmas, give your loved ones a Kodak Pocket.

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It’s one thing for Santa to see you when you’re sleeping. It’s a who other ball came for Santa to take pictures of you. God, he looks incredibly creepy. Please don’t let him in.

42. Peace is a gift to the nation.

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Seems like Santa, Uncle Sam, and the WWI soldier are sitting on top of each other. Considering Santa’s weight, I don’t think that’s great for Uncle Sam or the other guy.

43. This season, send your child a personalized letter from Santa.

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I know this is a web ad. But the Santa here just seems kind of freaky. Also, many kids will recognize their parents’ handwriting.

44. Santa is swamped with toaster orders this year.

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You can see the tired look on his face. Still, toasters can also last a pretty long time. So everyone wanting one in one year doesn’t seem to make sense.

45. Open the wrapper and cookies fly out.

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These chef guys appear to be fighting over what was in that package. Yet, why they wear chef’s hats and tuxedos, I don’t have the slightest idea.

46. Try some long-lasting Rowntrees fruit gums.

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Okay, that kid with the crown’s giving me nightmares. Seriously, his eyes suggest that he died inside a long time ago, especially since he’s just a disembodied head.

47. With car seating like this, your little one will fall fast asleep.

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The adults are like, “She’s asleep. Let’s put her in the garage, tie her up, and ask for a ransom from her wealthy parents. We’ll be so rich.”

48. Chesterfields are always a fine gift for the season.

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No, Santa, they are not. Smoking is very bad for you. It causes cancer and kills people. For God’s sake, tobacco use is a public health crisis.

49. Nothing makes a man excited like a bottle of Guinness in his stocking.

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Apparently, this seems like an adult’s fantasy Christmas. Kids get excited by toys. Adults want cash, booze, clothes, and useful things they don’t have to pay for.

50. Need a gift idea? Try giving Lucky Strikes.

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Because no gift keeps giving like lung cancer, COPD, and heart disease. Seriously, you’re giving them an early death. Don’t do it.

51. Make your Christmas the brightest with GE.

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Here Santa surfs on a large Christmas light. But when it’s out, all the lights are out.

52. When your boyfriend gives you a gift you’re not sure you like.

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She got cosmetics but they weren’t her brand. But she makes out with her boyfriend to show her appreciation anyway.

53. Gillette brings speedy Christmas shaving.

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Uh, Santa doesn’t shave his beard, doesn’t he? Also, I’m not sure if I’m creeped out by his smile.

54. Couples should always decorate for Christmas together.

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Yet, why do they have to hang a wreath while in stylish evening wear. And right before visitors arrive, too. Why?

55. “A Charlie Brown Christmas” is brought to you by Dolley Madison and Coca Cola.

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Uh, doesn’t “A Charlie Brown Christmas” criticize yuletide commercialization? Good grief.

56. Santa Claus gives out the candy.

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Apparently, Santa doesn’t seem too happy about this. Since he wants all the candy to himself.

57. Guys will love these interwoven socks.

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Despite that plain white socks will do just fine. In fact, he’ll probably prefer them anyway. Compared to these fancy colors and patterns.

58. “Now that’s my new favorite camel.”

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Apparently, this camel talks when the guy’s near the liquor store. Also this is for whiskey.

59. This Christmas treat your man right to 4 Roses.

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Unless he’s going through a 12 step. Nonetheless, this suggests that if you want to make your man happy, give him booze. Kind of sexist if you think about it.

60. This Christmas get Howard Zink car seat covers.

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Available in red. Still, this cover is really ugly come to think of it. Seems more like a couch mated with a suitcase.

61. This Christmas, give her the gift she’ll never forget.

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A Cadillac, everyone. Recommended as a gift by sugar daddies to their gorgeously kept women.

62. Calvert Reserve makes a great adult stocking stuffer.

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Actually it’s whiskey so may not be good for an AA member. Also, never get a puppy for Christmas. It’s at least a 10 year commitment.

63. It’s always fun to ride the New York Central on Christmas.

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Actually, Christmas travel isn’t really that fun. Also, Santa, you don’t touch kids that way. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?

64. Women love a Santa who gives them lingerie.

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Are they kissing a man or each other? If a man, is it the same man? If the same man, please keep as far apart from each other as possible.

65. Nothing beats better holiday underwear than Fruit of the Loom.

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This one depicts 3 men and a boy in their underwear. Which would never happen under normal circumstances anywhere. Please let them be family.

66. Keep her young and pretty with an electric massage vibrator this Christmas.

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This is a beauty product that’s incredibly expensive. But modern women don’t use vibrators as beauty enhancements these days.

67. Santa pops out from the boxes.

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For one, how is that possible? Second, why does that woman seem more intrigued than frantically running to the door?

68. Don’t miss the fun of smoking this Christmas.

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For the fun is only fleeting until one of you gets cancer and dies. Seriously, better to miss the fun smoking. Even with Pall Mall or any brand.

69. Attention men, give your wife a dishwasher for Christmas this year.

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Well, that’s definitely a good idea. But does the pitch have to be this sexist?

70. Who needs mistletoe when you have Johnny Walker Red?

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Okay, this one has a lot of very unfortunate implications. Then again, it might depend who’s receiving it, which is probably a man. But I don’t like where this is going.

The Dark Scary World of Vintage Halloween Costumes (Fifth Edition)

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For some mysterious reason, old vintage Halloween pictures seem to be a lot creepier for some reason. Maybe it’s the black and white photography. Maybe it’s how the costumes were made. Maybe it’s their conception of scary. I don’t know. Still, when you look at them, they’re bound to freak you out and give you nightmares for weeks to come. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of nightmarish vintage Halloween costumes. Sweet dreams.

  1.  She’s all dressed in ready for the spiderweb ball.
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So is this how they dressed for Halloween during the 18th century? Or did people during the 18th century not celebrate it?

2. Now, everyone, smile for the camera.

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Man, I don’t think the guy dressed as a Native American would fly today. Also, some of the masks are quite terrifying.

3. I’m sure this witch is kind to her animals.

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Yet, I’m not exactly sure by the grin on her face. Also, that cat looks like it’s stuffed.

4. The kitchen staff can be such animals.

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Okay, I don’t want to go in there. For all I know they could be cooking some of Hannibal Lecter’s best known recipes.

5. We all have our bad hair days.

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Yet, she could use a full-on makeover. Then again, witches don’t care much about their looks, anyway.

6. Even a ghostly skeleton seeks to pick up chicks.

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I’m sure this version of Ghost doesn’t contain the iconic pottery wheel scene. In fact, I don’t think they’ll be making love to “Unchained Melody” anytime soon either.

7. You’d think this lady was batty.

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Yes, she’s in a sexy bat costume. But her dress doesn’t make much sense to me, save for fanservice.

8. Perhaps buying your costume isn’t as great as it seems.

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Yeah, the masks look kind creep thanks to black and white photography. Still, the one with the leopard print doesn’t seem to have a face.

9. Want to dress as a sexy ghost? Just put a white bag on your head.

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You could never pull this kind of costume in PA. Mainly because the weather’s under 50 degrees by this point.

10. May I present to you the 19th century version of the Village People.

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As you can see, they’re not exactly a lively bunch. In fact, they seem more likely to kill you in your sleep.

11. What a couple of babies.

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Okay, these two look too big to be babies. Yet, their masks can just scare the living shit out of you.

12. You might fly with these Peter Pan costumes.

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These are actually really terrifying. And it really says a lot since Peter Pan is an incredibly creepy movie.

13. Here you see Spiderman and Batman hang out with Colonel Sanders.

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What a way to show a good example to kids, superheroes. Of course, masked vigilantism doesn’t help either.

14. How about you hang near the car?

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That duck mask is frightening. Then again, the chicken mask may even be scarier.

15. Hope the trick-or-treaters can make themselves comfortable.

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Okay, those vintage costumes are actually scarier in color. Even in regards to Princess Aurora, Casper, and Snoopy.

16. These kids are just resting on the grass.

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These masks are incredibly terrifying. Don’t look now, but I think these kids are devising ways to kill neighbors who don’t give them candy.

17. Have fun trick-or-treating, kids.

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Apparently, someone managed to make Spiderman and the Lone Ranger scary. While the Wolf man seems kind of lame.

18. That’s an odd looking giraffe.

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Since the giraffe is made out of paper. Still, wonder how the girl can see in it.

19. Beware of the chicken boy.

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I don’t know why the kid just stick around transfixed on the chicken. When the girl should be running away screaming for her dear life.

20. These two are just walking the street on their Halloween haunt.

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The witch seems like she’s wearing Groucho Marx glasses without the mustache. But it should be the ghost that really scares us.

21. You might want to get away from the monster behind you.

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That’s Frankenstein’s monster attacking that boy. And I’m sure the boy might need another pair of pants.

22. Sorry to crash a medieval plague doctors meeting.

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Since they’re all wearing bird masks and cloaks. Still, if it was the 1300s, we’d wonder how many of them will be left next year.

23. You’d think this is an odd-looking bird.

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Well, it’s a cardboard costume. But it kind of looks eerie in black and white photography.

24. Beware of the little red devil.

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I’m sure this kid is all right. But the costume makes him seem like a little terror out of hell.

25. A mother sits with her strangely dressed children.

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Two of them are supposed to be dwarfs, I think. One’s a cowboy. And one’s the Monopoly Man. But all seem rather dead inside.

26. This woman just wears a dress, mask, and cone hat.

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Wearing that, you’d think she was on her way to a cult meeting. But she has a pumpkin on her dress.

27. These four just hang around the front door.

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But look at their masks and you don’t want them in your house. Seriously, they make Freddy Krueger look like a character on Sesame Street.

28. You wouldn’t want to run into this little clown at night.

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Wonder if this is a childhood photo of Pennywise the Clown. I mean he had to be a child somehow.

29. Here a ghost emerges from the bushes.

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Let’s hope he didn’t make it from some Klan robe. Because they were a thing back in the Gilded Age and 1920s.

30. This doesn’t seem like a fun Halloween party.

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Consists of a scary clown and two very offensive stereotypes. For God’s sake it was the early 1900s. Times were really racist.

31. Well, this seems like a strange horse race.

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Yes, you see people sharing horse costumes. One guy has very little legs like Lord Farquad.

32. Don’t hitch a ride with these masked men.

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Since they’ll take you to an undisclosed location. Then they’ll kill you and rip you to pieces.

33. Who knows what this clown will do to these two women.

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Yeah, I get that he’s wearing a tall hat. But I think after this picture was taken, the two women were never seen again.

34. The skull person is within the living room.

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Indeed, they’re not scaring anyone. But in time, they will chase teenagers with a knife once it gets dark.

35. Each trick-or-treater shall receive a large pumpkin bag.

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The devil and Raggedy Ann masks will haunt your dreams. The cat, not so much.

36. Sometimes a white mask is all you need.

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She’s even on roller skates. That means she can go after you with a knife faster. Except on the stairs.

37. Are those kids or ventriloquist dummies?

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Well, they could be kids wearing masks. Yet, they don’t really seem very lifelike to me. Something’s off here.

38. The light’s quite misty, isn’t it?

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One of the revelers reminds me of an undead muppet. Another has a rather creepy clown face.

39. Apparently, someone’s fallen into a creepy cult ritual.

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These women wear dresses with markings on them. But they must dance around two virgins before they sacrifice them to their blood hungry god.

40. A witch stands with her cat.

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She seems rather lonely. Mostly because everyone’s frightened of her. And her cat’s plush, I think.

41. These two seem like a rather odd couple.

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One wears a mask with make while looking dashing in a top hat and coat. The other wears a mask and a dress.

42. Here’s a friendly guy you’d meet in the park.

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Kind of reminds me of the guy kicked off The Muppet Show. Since he often gave kids candy from his windowless van. Or so I heard.

43. Care to see the clown in the corner?

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On second thought, I’ll pass on that one. Don’t want to be found near the river with an ax in my back.

44. Don’t you ever refuse to give these kids candy.

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Because if you do, they will kill you. Even if you honestly ran out, they will still slay you. So please have candy ready for them.

45. Sandra finds romance on Planet of the Apes.

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“Come to me, you damn dirty ape. Send me to your monkey bar sex dungeon.”

46. Don’t you dare cross this masked maid.

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Mess with her and she’ll make sure you pay with your life. And she’ll make you pay.

47. You might enjoy this jolly clown.

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Okay, this clown is terrifying. Avoid him like the plague if you value your life.

48.  You’d swear you’ve seen these trick-or-treaters from space.

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These costumes are quite frightening. Yet, the astronaut has to wear a rocket shaped mask for some reason.

49. “Come and play with us, Danny.”

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Those princess masks are guaranteed to give you nightmares. Will certainly haunt your dreams.

50. Perhaps you might enjoy a couple of sisters.

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One doesn’t pretend not to care. The other’s thinking about skinning the neighbor’s cat.

51. Make sure your stick matches your masks.

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Though each one is just as scary. And the kids in the back certainly know it.

52. Looks like the Turnip ghost caused some scares.

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The woman is freaking out. The guy is splayed on the floor. Wonder if this is some horror cosplay scene.

53. Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you can’t be Batman.

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Well, she’s an early incarnation of Batwoman. But what am I kidding? Batman wasn’t around yet.

54. Well, we’ve got a couple of lone rangers.

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Actually, one’s supposed to be Zorro. But they will strike if not given candy for trick-or-treating.

55. “Won’t you come and spoon with me?”

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Oh, hell no. For God’s sake I’m not that desperate for cuddles.

56.  “I’m just a little school girl.”

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I don’t know about you. But that’s a dude who looks like a lady to me. Possible ancestor of Steve Tyler from Aerosmith.

57. “Get off my lawn, you brats!”

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For if you don’t, he’ll run you down and cut you up in his basement. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

58. Watch out for the locker room ghosts.

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Of course, they probably didn’t have the time and resources for a full sheet. So they used pillow cases instead. One even has a black bag.

59. “I shall call him, Mini Me.”

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These two wear the same cone black hats. The smaller boy is pure evil.

60. I give you, the Elephant Man.

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Okay, that’s kind of insensitive. Joseph Merrick deserves more dignity than that. Then again, he probably doesn’t know anything about Merrick.

61. Send in the big clowns.

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On second thought, do clowns really need to be inflated. That just makes them scarier.

62. “Are you comfortable, madam?”

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This mouse seems rather hospitable to that girl. Don’t really want to what kind of relationship they have.

63. “Let’s just watch that house burn.”

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These masks are so terrifying even if they’re supposed to be dolls and clowns. And I’m sure they just set a house on fire.

64. Clown or space alien? You decide.

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Actually, she’s probably dressed like a clown. But her tall hat totally seems like it’s from another planet.

65. These two always stick together.

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Mostly because they’re dressed as co-join twins. They do a lot together, including murder.

66. “Want to join us at the farm?”

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They’re all decked in their pajamas like they’re having a slumber party. Though I’ll pass on this one.

67. This black cat lingers in the alley.

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Sure they may look scary. But the 2019 trailer to Cats just makes it look tame in comparison.

68. Hello boys and girls, it’s Beppo the clown.

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For God’s sake, kill this infernal creature with fire. Before he kills somebody or gets in a daycare center.

69. Don’t want to run into these monsters even on a good day.

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They’re just kids in Halloween costumes. But the masks are simply spooky.

70. Don’t mess with these clown ladies.

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Mock their circus act and I swear they will rain fire and terror on you. Or they’ll just kill you in your sleep.

71. Skull girl just loves hanging among the flowers.

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Hey, at least she’s not Rhoda from the Bad Seed. She wouldn’t kill anyone for trivial stuff like a penmanship award. But she will if you mess with her.

72. Why so sad, scarecrow?

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Guy looks like a sagging and depressed muppet. And with bad fashion sense.

73. This witch is awfully fond of these little girls.

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Wonder if that witch is in costume. But she shows eyes of ill intent.

74. Care for some clandestine greenhouse ritual?

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The kids seem like they’re dressed in their pajamas. The mom’s dressed as a witch.

75. Here’s a still from the new Joker movie.

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Well, that might be a little too early. But I’m sure he’ll grow up to be an unstable psychopath nonetheless.

76. Pretty short to have mustaches, don’t you think?

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One’s wearing a dress to indicate she’s clearly a girl. But these two seem like they’re silently judging you in those creepy masks.

77. “Here’s Toodles!”

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Seeing that clown hovering over that family sends shivers down my spine. Also, is he holding a gun?

78. “I just came here to pick up a few things like your soul.”

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I can understand why that girl’s screaming. Still, kind of way too young for this Faustian bargain thing. I think there should be an age of consent for that.

79. Got you 4 little devils in a row.

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They’re even all holding masks. But come midnight, they will wreak havoc on a murder spree.

80. These robots come from another galaxy.

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But mess with them, they’re bound to exterminate you. They also have great fashion sense.

Ghastly Halloween Greetings in the Ghoulish Days of Old (Fifth Edition)

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Now it’s on to the Halloween vintage cards. In these days, there seems to be a greeting card for almost everything. In the olden days, this was no exception except in regards to MLK Day because the great civil rights leader wasn’t born yet or any kind of holidays white people didn’t celebrate. Anyway, given that Halloween greeting cards are apparently still a thing, you shouldn’t be surprised to see plenty vintage ones. However, in many ways, the vintage cards usually tend to be crazier for various reasons. Some may be dated. Some may be inappropriate. Some may be racist. And some may contain imagery that doesn’t seem to fly today. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you another assortment of crazy vintage Halloween greeting cards.

  1. The moon doesn’t seem too happy these days.
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“Why the hell would leave a perfectly good office binder on my doorstep? Don’t they know they’re very expensive?”

2. “I wish you a jolly Halloween.”

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And that’s not a safe way to hold a jack-o’-lantern, kids. Honestly, that’s a fire hazard.

3. Want to catch a jack-o’-lantern? Spread crumbs through a wagon, I think.

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That way, he’ll be happy to tag behind you wherever you go. Still, how did anyone think this was a good idea?

4. This demon comes out to greet you from the jack-o’-lantern.

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Seems kind of friendly for a creature of Hell. Guess it’s hot inside that jack-o’-lantern.

5. While mere mortals use jack-o’-lanterns as Halloween decoration, witches use them for broom headlights.

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If it can talk, it doubles as a GPS system. Who knows how the characters in Harry Potter can do without them.

6. “O! Ghostly friend,/Thy hair’s on end/What fearful fate do you portend?”

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To be honest, the corn guy’s more likely freaking me out. Seriously, it just gives me nightmares.

7. “Whoo-oo  dares keep Halloween with me?”

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The owl’s like, “I’ve got my eyes on you, floating pumpkin head.” Or something like that.

8. Feel free to sit down in your jack-o’-lantern bib.

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Actually that bib’s kind of creepy if you ask me along with the jack-o’-lanterns on the top corners. Also, the girl seems like she’s slightly suffocating.

9. Don’t know if you want a bat pop up from a jack-o’-lantern.

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Seems like everyone in this is freaked out by this. Save for the black cat for some reason.

10. Even the pumpkins make out in the pumpkin patch on Halloween night.

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Still, despite the inscription, how do pumpkins hug and kiss? Linus, can you answer me on this one?

11. Perhaps you might want to go as a skeletal bat for Halloween.

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Seriously, she’s dressed up as a bat that bit into a powerline. Kind of disturbing if you think about it.

12. “With all Hallowe’en Greetings.”

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Yet, that owl’s watching the creepy pumpkin man follow the seeds from the woman’s contraption. Wonder if this was a thing back then.

13. Pumpkin head kids wish you a jolly Halloween.

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Oh, those creepy orange kids with one holding a poor cat. Makes me wonder if this is a childhood photo of Donald Trump. Wouldn’t surprise me.

14. Bet you don’t want a skeleton to get you.

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Are those monsters supposed to be goblins? Also, why is one riding a cat?

15. When a witch wants a kid to get off her lawn, she means it.

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Here she chases a kid with a jack-o’-lantern on a stick. And I thought witches ate kids. Then again, that may not be the case.

16. Forget brooms. The modern witch travels on a biplane of giant playing cards.

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She even has a jack-o’-lantern on the front for navigation. And yes, it runs on owl power. But the cat’s kind of afraid of heights.

17. This Halloween, stay out of the cabbage patch.

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No, these aren’t the Cabbage Patch kids you remember. Actually this cabbage people make out scene is getting a bit out of hand.

18. “For ways that are dark and tricks that are vain. Watch out!”

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Here a black cat sits with 4 scary jack-o’-lanterns. But at least they’re not lit, yet.

19. Everyone loves a Halloween costume party.

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Though whether to dance with a medieval version of the Joker is another matter. Seriously, his costume’s kind of freaky if you ask me.

20. The black cat in a pumpkin has a letter for you.

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Though the kid doesn’t seem to think twice about trusting the cat. Kind of looks hypnotized. Also, note the sticks under the pumpkin.

21. Riding a broom on an ear of corn gives a witch more seat room.

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But make sure the ear is giant size and has bat wings. Also, I think she might drive using a sideways steering wheel.

22. On Halloween, fell free to hoist the jack-o’-lantern flag.

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Instead of a skull and crossed bones, this flag has a jack-o’-lantern and crossed candles. Yet, the witchy woman has a rather suggestive expression.

23. The jack-o’-lantern always watches outside.

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So maybe playing naked outside at night is not a good idea. Not that it would be anyway.

24. Dancing pumpkin man wishes you a happy Halloween.

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Unlike most depictions, he’s wearing a suit. Still, he’s guaranteed to inspire nightmares.

25. This little witch wishes you Halloween greetings.

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Though I’m not necessarily sure that she’s sitting appropriately. This is especially since she has her skirt up.

26. It takes two to carry a large jack-o’-lantern.

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Nonetheless, the jack-o’-lantern seems to have a mind of its own. As you can tell by the eyes.

27. For many, Halloween is a time of love.

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But since these kids have their hands on the jack-o’-lantern too long, the pumpkin’s starting to feel smushed. Seriously, they need their space once in awhile.

28. Wanna make some noise?

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Yet, the pumpkin guys sitting on the gourd are very unsettling to me. One doesn’t seem too happy with the girl blowing her horn.

29. Don’t look at the jack-o’-lantern in the barrel.

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Since there’s a rather creepy kid inside. And I don’t think the kid in front really wants to know.

30. Halloween greetings from the witch with a pumpkin fetish.

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Hey, it may not look the least bit normal. But at least she’s not making out with Donald Trump.

31. Be careful in a room with masks.

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Actually I don’t know why this woman can be in the same room with all these scary masks. Since they all look incredibly terrifying.

32. Ghost jack-o’-lantern wishes you happy Halloween on a broomstick.

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The outfit’s rather translucent. Though the jack-o’-lantern doesn’t seem sure how to fly this thing.

33. “The joys of Halloween be yours.”

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Excuse me, but what the hell is Cupid doing here? This isn’t even his holiday. He’s Valentine’s Day.

34. Don’t be surprised to see double this Halloween.

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You can see how the images mirror each other. While the jack-o’-lantern thinks it’s just crazy.

35. Hide all you want to, but you can’t fool the moon.

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To be fair these jack-o’-lanterns are rather creepy. But what are they doing behind that stack?

36. A witch and owl love hanging out together on the moon.

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That owl looks abnormally huge. Because most don’t grow that big. Yet, the witch doesn’t care.

37. There’s nothing on Halloween like making out in a jack-o’-lantern.

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First, that’s a major safety hazard since the clothes could catch on fire. Second, the cat and owl are basically like, “get a room, you two.”

38. The moon always knows a hot witch when it sees one.

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Here the moon gazes on the witch with a pervy smile. While the witch might want to blow out her candle so the moon doesn’t see her as well.

39. Now where did that slice of cake go?

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Yes, these creepy pupkin people have it for some reason. Maybe I’ll be okay without it. I’ll live.

40. Seems like her high beams are flashing.

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See what I mean about a jack-o’-lantern functioning has headlights on a broomstick. Why don’t they have that in Harry Potter?

41. Remember that witches will kidnap your children.

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I don’t have a good feeling about these kids. Since witches are known to eat children. The boy doesn’t seem to mind though.

42. All kinds of demons can come out of a jack-o’-lantern.

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Here it sits upon a sinister black cat. Must be magical because I can’t see how the cat can retain its balance.

43. An owl sits upon a glowing jack-o’-lantern holding an apple.

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Yet, the girl seems rather fascinated instead of freaking out. Because how can the owl get inside? And it can basically claw and peck you to death.

44. Here this woman sits on a jack-o’-lantern dressed as an owl.

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Yet, the giant jack-o’-lantern has a rather terrifying expression. Since even the cat’s freaking out.

45. You can always sit back on a jack-o’-lantern with a candle on Halloween.

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The pumpkin’s glowing. While the cat is glaring at the viewer with malicious intent. Wouldn’t want to go near that thing.

46. Don’t look now but I think that jack-o’-lantern’s stoned out of its mind.

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Not sure what’s in that pipe. But I also think the jack-o’-lantern’s looking up that woman’s skirt. That cat’s like, “Not cool, man.”

47. A campfire is always a graveyard smash.

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And yet, one’s running away in fear, two are on top of each other, and the would’ve gotten a selfie to post on Instagram. Only trouble is that smartphones and Instagram aren’t around yet.

48. Happy Halloween by the demon child soldier.

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Once you’re asleep, this little boy will come into your room with a knife and kill you. If you don’t take some time to lock your doors first.

49. Here a little witch picks up a name from the jack-o’-lantern.

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Whoever’s name she gets, she’ll go to their house and turn them into a newt. And I’m not sure if they’ll get better.

50. Happy Halloween from behind the haystack.

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Now that looks like a fire hazard waiting to happen. Wouldn’t be surprise if the jack-o’-lantern leads to the stack catching on fire and the boy burning to a crisp.

The Wonderful World of Album Covers (Sixth Edition)

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Once again, I move on to album covers. Of course, who can remember the awesome design with the Beatles’ cover of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. You might recognize some celebrities the Beatles are standing with. Nonetheless, great album covers like this one are always remembered and treasured. However, since I’ve done a post like this for years, you get the idea that we’re not going on a nostalgia trip here. Instead, we’ll look at album covers that were long forgotten for some reason. And not because many didn’t have good music on the records. Some have aged terribly. Some are outrages. While some are just plain weird. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage album covers.

  1. La Wanda: MUTHA*Is Half a Word
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For some reason, I have serious doubts she’s a virgin. Also, she should’ve known she was pregnant by now.

Apparently, this woman’s in for a real surprise.

2. Henri Salvador: Le Martien Count Basie: L’Inspiration Syracuse

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I don’t understand the sci-fi concept behind this album cover. I mean the guy’s in blue make up with a weird diamond helmet.

Man, this Martian really creeps me out.

3. The Pinups: Wild Thing

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Is that a dead hooker in the car? Okay, that’s really disturbing. Hell, this whole album cover is unsettling.

Don’t tell me they’re supposed to be prostitutes licking lollipops.

4. Dani: Dani

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Apparently, being surrounded by clowns can put you in a rather terrifying situation. Also, why isn’t Pennywise in here?

Perhaps this woman has spent too much time with the circus.

5. Mirka Kodica: Bajo

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Seriously, this guy kind of reminds me of those bad 1980s prom pictures. Funnier that he’s wearing a shiny striped suit with a stern expression.

When you have to resort to a backup outfit for your prom picture.

6. The Bee Gees: Life in a Tin Can

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Of course, how they could fit in this old pop can, I’ll never know. Let’s not think about this one too hard.

Apparently, the Bee Gees haven’t been doing too well these days.

7. Brad Swanson: Brad Swanson Goes Hawaiian

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Still, the guy’s posing with women who look awfully young. While his eyes bear some ill intent. Don’t like where this is going.

So, how does Hawaiian organ music sound like?

8. Cerrone: Supernature

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Yes, the animal masks are freaky. But what the hell are they doing in a hospital operating room with a fake body on the gurney?

Beware of the animal masked people under the gurney.

9. Conway Twitty: I’m Not Through Loving You Yet

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Since his wife left him, Conway’s fashion sense has gone out the window. He’s kind of bitter about the divorce. His wife’s got a lawyer and is suing him for half his assets.

Apparently, Conway’s going through a rough patch in his life.

10.  Def Leppard: On Through the Night

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When we start settling Mars, we might have to train astronauts to be truck drivers. Not sure how that’s going to work out.

In the future, large semis will transport giant guitars in space.

11. The DeFranco Family featuring Tony DeFranco: Save the Last Dance for Me

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Those 1970s haircuts certainly don’t help either. That one guy in the back knows how lame this photo op is.

Of course, everyone had to wear a top matching the background with a sequined animal on it.

12. Ed Ames: My Cup Runneth Over

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Then again, to each his own. After all, Ed could really be a nice guy. But that doesn’t help his hairstyle.

You have to wonder what the blond woman sees in this guy.

13. Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Sings for You

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Actually he’s wearing a 1970s jumpsuit and a necklace. But yeah, he probably spent too much time at the tanning salon that day.

Released during a time when Humperdinck was moonlighting as an Elvis impersonator who spent too much time in a tanning salon.

14. The Gary Walker Singers: “I Shall Never Forget the Day.”

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I mean the instruments consist of accordion, banjo, and electric guitars. Also, that one guy looks like David Hasselhoff.

So what genre is this supposed to be?

15. David Cassidy: The Higher They Climb

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Here he jumps to reach a star in front of a large crowd of people. While he holds a white guitar in his hand that matches his jumpsuit. Don’t ask me who came up with this idea.

Didn’t know David Cassidy had the power of levitation.

16. Oscar Brand: Sports Car

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Apparently, you can sit on it, too. As long as the long staff is well into your ass. Boy, that woman’s going to be sore. But for now, she’s reading like it doesn’t seem to bother her.

My, that’s one large tire jack.

17. Jean Carroll: Girl in a Hot Steam Bath

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The one guy in the bathroom’s reading a newspaper with shoes and socks on like it’s nothing. While the women on the other side are checking him out.

Didn’t know they had unisex steam rooms.

18. Orel Turkbas: How to Make Your Husband a Sultan

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Helps if you dress in a jingling bikini that resembles what Princess Leia would wear if Jabba’s palace was a disco. Yet, she doesn’t wear the long chain nor strangle a huge blob monster who used her frozen boyfriend as wall decoration.

A belly dancer shares her tips for wives to please their husbands in the bedroom.

19. The Singing Richey Family: I’m Going Home…To Watch the Flowers Bloom

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I bet the mom’s like, “I shall call her Mini Me.” Hell, they’re wearing the same pink dress.

Apparently, big hair is an inherited trait.

20. Pedro Pinho and Paulo Pontes: Berrante Do Tempo

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Man, these outfits are atrocious. Look at the pink top with gold sleeves. Is it 1970s or what?

When you and your buddy pose in the same space age outfit.

21. Tesura: Fruko y sus Tesos

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They even have chain around a dog and one guy holds a big cigar. But badass they are not.

When your tough guy act goes absolutely nowhere.

22. Maria Luisa Landin: Con la Voy del Alma….

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Seriously, why is her reflection appearing in the glass like that? Does she think she has something on her nose?

When you’re staring into a wine glass when your date doesn’t show up.

23. Rito Esclavo: Pedro Laza y sus Pelayeros

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I mean she’s literally tied to a man by her wrists with rope. And she’s wearing a Sword-and-Sandal costume. So is she supposed to be dragged? Or is she kind of into it? Because I want to know how to feel here.

Is this supposed to be slavery or a kinky bondage routine?

24. Reb Allen: Country Hits

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Still, I know they’re supposed to be prison stripes. But they kind of remind me of pajamas. Also how is he able to play guitar on the rocks?

During his stay in prison, Reb would provide the chain gang entertainment during long, hard days.

25. Gordon Calcote: Folsom Prison Blues

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Nonetheless, I think the cover is more appropriate for “Prisoners of Love.” Also, this pen seems to have a very generous conjugal visit policy.

If you want a sexy version of this hit, we got you covered.

26. The Game Is Over Soundtrack

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Yes, this a soundtrack from a forgettable Jane Fonda movie. Still, naked in the jungle, what can possibly go wrong with that?

Apparently, Naked and Afraid is older than I thought.

27. Il Medico…la Studentessa Original Film Soundtrack

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Okay, it’s probably not a porn movie and I apologize to anyone offended. Still, I’m sure these two are about to play “doctor” at any moment. Seriously, look how the guy’s grabbing the woman’s leg.

Didn’t know they made soundtracks for porn films.

28. Alan Hale: Skipper Alan Hale’s Roman Orgy

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Apparently, the cover implies that a Roman orgy’s just a fancy toga party. But it’s more like a hedonistic free for all with drinking, partying, and group sex.

Also known as the R-Rated version of Gilligan’s Island.

29. Pilz Band: Schtarch Sy

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You’d almost think it was a 1980s version of The Office starring Jerry Seinfeld and Jason Alexander. Got to like that one guy’s shirt.

When your office band hits the big time.

30. Crosby, Stills, and Nash: Live It Up

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So, how can you roast hotdogs on the moon? It has no atmosphere so you can’t light a fire. Oh, those guys are climbing on the sticks? Was the designer on drugs?

Spent roasting hotdogs on the moon.

31. Orrin Star: Fun Songs & Fancy Pickin’

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Heard that he was a musician and shop teacher by day. And a porn star by night during the 1970s. Naturally, him and Adrien aren’t on speaking terms.

Boy, Adrien Brody’s dad is incredibly lame.

32. Orion: Rockabilly

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He wears a mask because he’s fugitive from another state. Not what he did. Still, reminds me of a Will Ferrell SNL sketch for some reason.

This man seems to have an interesting Elvis impersonator routine.

33. El Baile Aleman: Senor Coconut y su Conjunto

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The one guy is framed in a star because he couldn’t make it to the photo session. But he wore the same outfit nonetheless.

Hope you enjoy the puffy sleeves.

34. Terri Gibbs: Over Easy

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Because “Terri” is a female rendition of that name. But the person kind of has a more masculine disposition. Then again, maybe Terri’s just gender fluid.

Is that supposed to be a woman or a guy wearing lipstick?

35. Elna Fredhoy og Rigmor Odum

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Funny, how one could easily pass as Matthew McConaughey’s grandmother. Hope she plays alright, alright, alright.

One plays guitar. The other plays the accordion.

36. Quim Barriero: Recibe um Convite (A Casa Joquina)

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Heard he got his start playing polka music at a nudist colony. Then again, he seems to have stripped all his clothes off.

Someone enjoys playing naked accordion.

37. Knuz Zopy3em

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These guys have such blase expressions that they see no hope out of their boring and meaningless lives. Though I like that front man’s tie.

Featuring hit songs from this up and coming Soviet group. Just feel the excitement.

38. Kjell Kraghe: Vind I Seglen

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And yet his clothes don’t seem the slightest bit wet. Then again, it’s photoshop.

Look out there’s a giant guy in a 1970s jumpsuit on the horizon.

39. “Whoopee” John Wilfahrt and his Orchestra: Dance Night

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For God’s sake would you take the name Wilfahrt seriously? Also, that dancing couple seems all too happy.

Apparently, why they didn’t ask John Wilfahrt to change is name is a riddle for the ages.

40. Mijus Svetlana: Klik-Klak

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Well, maybe Russians don’t mind women not shaving. Since they’re probably more focused on trying to get by. Still, she looks pretty silly in that outfit. Also what are those strings with balls supposed to mean?

Is that armpit hair?

41. Buldozer

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So basically this cover consists of women mooning. I’m sure the moral guardians won’t be happy with that.

Apparently, these women decided to stick their butts to the window.

42. Jasar: Zena Moje Mladosti

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I mean the guy seems more right at home on Stranger Things. Also, is he smoking a cigarette?

Here this Yugoslavian singer poses for a photo like teenage boy on his way to prom in the 1980s.

43. Oliver Mandic: Probaj Me

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So is he supposed to be the Yugoslavian equivalent to David Bowie or Boy George? Also the name Mandic is hard to take seriously as an English speaker.

Here he sits on his red suitcase waiting for a ride while wearing his matching red leather suit.

44. Sneki: Ti Saluto Italia

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Then again, it kind of makes sense. Since Italians are into soccer and high fashion. Still, the woman seems like a snake lady to me.

Apparently, saluting Italy means having a sexy woman near a soccer goal.

45. Father Robert White: The Reverend in Rhythm

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I think this might’ve become a meme. Still, I don’t think you can dance to that song listing. Also kind of reminds me of Matthew McConaughey for some reason.

Just a priest with a pipe who can play some tunes.

46. Jonah Jones: I Dig Chicks

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Still, they shouldn’t be there. No, I don’t see anything wrong with women on a back hoe. But these women aren’t clad in the proper safety equipment. So they run a high risk of injury or death.

Apparently, someone doesn’t see anything wrong with these women being at construction sites for fan service.

47.  Barry Louis Polisar: I Eat Kids and Other Songs for Rebellious Children

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Seriously, why would anyone have a song about eating kids? Is this an album used to traumatize children?

I don’t think his baby appreciates the title.

48. Janet Greene: Country and Spanish Flavors

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After all, she wouldn’t want anything to scald her uh, boobs. Yes, I get that her boobs get considerable attention on this cover.

Let’s hope she doesn’t spill anything on her chest.

49. The Happy Sound of Ragtime

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Because what makes a wholesome image of ragtime like seeing a fat rich guy being served by 2 hookers. Seriously, the woman’s putting some money in her stocking.

Available at an Old West brothel near you.

50. Trevor Crozier and Friends: Trouble Over Bridgewater

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Despite that nobody dresses like that nowadays. Still, I don’t think he’ll find any gold with this album.

He’s just an old prospector having a beer.

 

 

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Eighth Edition)

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Though I usually do postcards before this time, I had some things going on for me during the summer that I didn’t do a lot of blog posts recently. Anyway, this October, my family and I plan on going to Charlotte to see my sister who lives there. We plan to stay for a weekend during the middle of the month. So perhaps I might want to get some old vintage postcards. No, not the ones you normally. More along the lines of those that come across as tacky, insane, weird, or laughably bad. Since we can all use a laugh now and then. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of terrible old timey postcards. Enjoy.

  1. Need to do a bit of landscaping?
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Cause you need the proper lawn implements and extension cord. Doesn’t hurt to do it in Bermuda shorts and flats.

2. Jane Irwill is designed to be lived in.

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Jane enjoys singing on the mic. Kim wishes she’d stop and so she can steal the song from under her.

3. Want to advertise? Picture your product here.

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Of course, they have to put a woman in a swimsuit for extra sex appeal. So I guess the product advertised here is the air mattress.

4. You can always enjoy going to the laundromat.

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Because you can’t necessarily afford a brand new washer and dryer. Hope you have plenty of coins and patience.

5. Nothing makes your day like wearing a colorful hat.

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But Susie thinks she looks like an idiot in hers. She wouldn’t even want to be caught dead wearing it at a Jimmy Buffett concert.

6. “Want to see my matching Wrap-Sak?”

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She’s talking about the robe. But it comes with a matching head towel to dry one’s hair. Still, despite having perfect hair, she doesn’t seem to like brushing it.

7. You’ll find these shakers easy to use.

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Since they contain plastic lids you can easily open and close. Available in 4 different colors.

8. Take a look at these giant airplane controls.

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I don’t think these work by the way. But these women seem unusually impressed.

9. Anyone can look sexy in a long fur coat.

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Though we in the 21st century don’t really think so unless you’re living in a polar region. Still, the background is atrocious.

10. “Look, Mommy, I can vacuum all by myself.”

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Of course, you’d never see me with my mom like that. Because I loathe vacuum cleaners. More like huddling in the corner with my ears covered.

11. “At Heinz we have more than 57 varieties around the world.”

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Though the world to them seems shaped like a giant football. Someone must’ve really messed up here.

12. “I just love painting my boat.”

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Seriously, I don’t think people like painting anything. Nor do I think a swimsuit and sailor hat are proper painting attire.

13. R & R toys make them in all sizes.

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That penguin is way too big for that little girl. But she’s thrilled to have it just the same.

14. Slow down for the Tallahassee Safety Patrol.

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So they stare at a wall in long rain coats. You can see they have a token female by looking at their legs.

15. Care for a duck lamp?

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Basically depicts a desert rock formation and two male mallard ducks flying. Wonder if anyone thinks they’re a couple. Then again, they could just be good friends.

16. With a propane grill, you can be the most talked about host in the neighborhood.

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Maybe in the 1960s this guy might have some pride in his grill. However, I’ve seen way bigger and crazier grills than that at Home Depot.

17. There’s always room for a hairdryer.

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Though I don’t think this hairdryer is at all portable. Because I could hold one in my hand.

18. Get women’s attention with a Hollywood Wolf Whistle.

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Guess it’s a horn you put on your car. Though I’m not sure if women will go for it.

19. Care for a fancy piggy bank?

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Sure these porcelain piggy banks may be pricey and fancy. But they’ll keep your money safe by scaring the hell out of potential robbers.

20. Is your car seats falling apart. Get Shadburn’s Auto Upholstery?

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This ad was probably made on a budget. Also, the woman looks more disgusted than anything.

21. 4 Track storm windows will always protect your house.

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Presented by a woman who’s not wearing pants. So the viewer can see her legs in high heels and pantyhose.

22. Commemorate your baby’s first shoes by casting them in bronze.

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You can sue them as bookends, on picture frames, or on wall displays. Seriously, why would anyone do this?

23. Get the World’s Largest Match Book.

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From BAD POSTCARDS: “The name “Dick Sampson” is printed at the bottom right corner making it seem like this gal’s name is Dick. Why the Hawaiian-themed outfit? What’s with that hat/strainer thing? How many matches are in each World’s Largest Match Book? So many questions.”

24. These cushions will make your home a palace.

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Maybe a harem considering how the woman’s dressed. And she doesn’t seem too happy wearing her skimpy purple outfit.

25. No one can have enough pillows on the couch.

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But Pauline has so many that she can only lie on her couch in this position. Still, they bring a lot of color on a dull gray couch.

26. Any kid would love these fuzz covered plastic creatures.

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Maybe the dog in the middle. But the pig and bear seem quite terrifying to me.

27. Display your reports with Rediform.

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Who knew business can produce so much happiness? Probably someone who enjoys doing memos. Still, why does Miss Rediform even exist?

28. At Hewlett Packard, we have all kinds of machines.

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Though this woman in her lab coat has little idea on how many of these machines work. Since they require all kinds of gears and screws.

29. Any man looks sharp in a gray suit.

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Even Trevor the neighborhood psycho killer. Any young woman dating him on any given night is never seen again since.

30. Kids are always proud to stand in their long raincoats.

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For these boys like to show off all the different colors. Though a few of them look like they’re dressed in trash bags.

31. Have a pen stand that’ll suit your tastes.

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Available in 2 big varieties. One is what can resemble your kid’s art project at school. The other are nightmarish depictions of cartoon characters that can scar you for life.

32. A water softener is a girl’s best friend.

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I don’t think most little girls would say that. Since most of them don’t know what the hell a water softener is.

33. Breathing problems? Have this Monaghan Life Saver on you.

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This looks like a something you’d attach to a respirator. Wonder if you should just go with an inhaler instead.

34. Christmas is always a time for cheer.

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From BAD POSTCARDS: “‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND THE WEIGHT OF SANTA’S CARCASS ON THE ROOF TOTALLY CRUSHED OUR HOUSE.”

35. Take a slice of Ohio Swiss cheese?

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The cheese looks like plastic to me. But at least it comes with saltines.

36. Hey, look, twins.

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Caption: “A NATIVE ALASKAN DARLING dressed in fur parka, trimmed with white fox and her best friend, a Semoyian Puppy.” Still, I don’t buy the girl being an Alaskan native due to her blue eyes, blond hair, and white skin.

37. Keep your lawn maintained with a red riding mower.

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Don’t look now. But Barry’s waving to Myrtle and her son Jack. Little does Jack knows what’s really going on between Barry and his mom.

38. Perhaps you might want something from Australia.

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Most of these are stuffed animals. Yet, you’ll find a boomerang and a hat to wear in the Outback. Still, where’s the diggery-doo?

39. Store your ingredients in these Tupperware canisters.

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Great for hiding the weed in. But don’t let anyone know that or they’ll call the cops.

40. Any girl would delight in these “Mama” dolls.

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On second thought, unless you want to traumatize a little girl in your life, I advise against giving her one of these. Seriously, they’re straight from the realm of nightmares.

41. A straw hat should always have flowers on them.

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Yet, none should don a disembodied woman’s head. Because that’s just disturbing. Available in multiple colors and styles.

42. Water your plants with this KWH mistblower.

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It’s so safe your kids can use it and look like they’re vanquishing their enemies with space age weapons. Said to have deep penetration, steady output.

43. Got a boring house? Just add awnings.

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Actually, the awnings really don’t do anything. Home still looks quite dull. Maybe it needs a paint job.

44. Your lawn can look like this.

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Just add a lawn sprinkler and mow it regularly during the warmer months. Well, as long as you live in California. If you live where I do, it’s not necessary. Also, you won’t have palm trees.

45. Reach for the moon.

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So they were raising money just so three guys can go to the moon? Just save steadily here, I guess. Seriously, this makes no sense.

46. Any little one would enjoy riding a large polka-dotted horse.

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Though the toy horse kind of looks kind of terrifying. Like the purple swan, though.

47. You can’t go boating without a portable minifridge.

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Even to today’s minifridges, this is extravagant. Even includes a freezer.

48. Simple Simon goes near the barbs.

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From BAD POSTCARDS: “Picking your nose is especially grand/When you have a pipe cleaner for a hand.”

49. “Seeing things in Linden, Tenn.”

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They’re basically going with “our town sucks so here are some pictures of cute animals.” At least that’s how I see it.

50. Perhaps you’d like a modern minibar.

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It’s basically a desk for alcoholics. Includes a cocktail shaker and shot glasses.

51. Everyone can use some paper towels.

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I’ve seen those paper towel dispensers at school. Let’s just say I don’t have nice things to say about them.

52. Dualette Sylvania is the big-screen TV that simply moves with you.

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From BAD POSTCARDS: “Carries his portable tube to upscale events. Sexy.”

53. The Tit twins will always boost your business.

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BAD POSTCARDS comment: “Amazing. I wanna see one go up in flames when the motor grease drips onto the controller and an overloaded circuit sparks a fire. And it would still be moving .”

54. Greetings from Kansas.

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Don’t worry about the coyote at the fence. It’s taxidermy so it won’t hurt you, But it will haunt your dreams.

55. Thin mints or merry mints?

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The merry mints come in all kinds of colors. Though I’ll just stick to the thin mints, especially the Girl Scout variety.

56. Nobody could resist a baby doll like this.

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For the love of God, kill it with fire. Since I guarantee it’ll haunt your dreams.

57. “Portraits become precious beyond price.”

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Here little Emily marvels at all the people she’s killed while she maniacally laughs. It’s a sight of horror that knows no bounds.

58. Someone wants to paint the house today.

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But letting a dog help isn’t really a good idea. Still, hope they don’t mistake the paw prints for something more sinister.

59. Perry’s Nuthouse offers free Maine Bear hugs.

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Don’t worry the bear here’s made from wood. A real black bear would simply maul you and leave you for dead.

60. This dog is out on the town.

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Though the dog’s expression doesn’t match the saying on the post card. Still, like the lamp posts.

61. Perhaps you might want to stay in a hotel room like this.

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Man, that’s really tacky. The pink isn’t bad but the wallpaper is just frightful.

62. “I trust Duraclean for my rugs.”

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From BAD POSTCARDS comment: “I cherish my French heirloom carpets so much I don’t even let anybody walk on them! ;)”

63. Anyone in the mood for water ski?

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By the way, this postcard is from Wisconsin. Yes, Wisconsin. Don’t ask me why.

64. Arachnaphobes, abandon hope all ye enter here.

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Because people will be freaked out by a giant spider. This is from an Arizona amusement park.

65. Fall is thrashing time.

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Meaning that it’s time to harvest the hay and put them in bales. Still, the scenery doesn’t really excite me.

66. Wonder why nobody’s visiting this campground.

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Maybe because there’s a skunk lurking around. Though it only sprays when threatened.

67. This guy better wake up before that pheasant runs away.

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Because birds don’t stay around forever. Still, not sure if he can shoot well with a bow and arrow.

68. Feel free to sit on the world’s largest chair.

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I’m sure nobody could really sit on it. Still, it’s a great way for this town to attract tourists.

69. Don’t feel bad. Things could be worse.

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Not sure about having dogs in jail though. Also, are they supposed to be in Mexico?

70. Sometimes you have to let yourself go.

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Though this just overdoes it. Her bra’s even showing from her falling dress.