Easter Greetings from the Days of Yesteryear (Third Edition)

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Now that I have peep dioramas down, it’s onto vintage Easter greeting cards. Now the card above is from Russia depicting a bus or carriage filled with spring flowers. Nevertheless, it’s a beautiful card. Anyway, greeting cards have always been a staple of holidays, especially during the olden days. And Easter is no exception. As I said before in my greeting card posts, we tend to view a lot of the past with rose colored glasses as well as imagine it as a more wholesome and refined time than it actually was. With Easter greeting cards, vintage ones might include cutesy imagery to melt your heart or beautiful illustrations like you see above. However, like my other greeting card posts, if you want the sweet vintage Easter cards with cute little bunnies, chicks, lambs, and any other animals all living in harmony, well, you’ve come to the wrong place. Because the Easter greeting cards I show here will either creep you out or have you scratching your head. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another collection of Easter cards your grandparents don’t want you to see.

  1. “So how much will it be for the yellow egg, ma’am?”

Notice the hen selling eggs. Remember that chickens lay them and hatch from them. So she’s most likely selling her own children, assuming they’re fertilized.

2. In Russia, it’s a tradition for children to kiss each other on the lips during the Easter season.

Uh, aren’t they’re a bit young for that? Then again, Russia has always been a miserable place.

3. “Now when these girls approach us, we throw these eggs right at them.”

Seems likes the last time these women will wear their spring dresses for a long time. So remember to watch out for egg wielding rabbits while outside.

4. On second thought, Tommy should’ve used plush rabbits for his Easter basket instead.

Using live bunnies for Easter baskets are never a good idea. Also, these bunnies are like, “We’re free! We’re free! Let’s get out of here before they kill us.”

5. On Easter, it’s well-known for chicks to compete in rowing contests.

Though I’m not sure about the water content here. Looks really brown. Also, what the hell?

6. Spring always marks the time for chicks to come out of their eggshells.

Okay, not those chicks. Even the feathery chickies are like, “What the fuck?” Seeing it’s from France, I guess absinthe had something to do with this design.

7. Apparently, these children decided to see chicks hatching a the wrong henhouse.

Then again, if I were the rooster, I’d charge at the boy, too. Because he seems to have a future as a budding serial killer.

8. You can’t have some Easter greetings without some circus dogs.

And I’m not kidding. But you have to be impressed by how Rover juggles eggs. Amazing.

9. There’s nothing more delightful on Easter than a jack-in-the-box bunny.

On second thought, that thing is absolutely terrifying. From how I see it, the chicks don’t have long to live.

10. Nothing melts your heart like seeing a child snuggling with a bunny and holding chicks.

Or as I see it the child’s like, “I’ll hug ’em, and squeeze ’em, and keep ’em forever and ever.” The bunny on the other hand, is thinking, “Oh, God help me!”

11. Easter greetings from the garden gnomes riding chickens.

And it seems like they don’t treat the chickens very well. Because they don’t seem very happy.

12. I guess this family comes hardboiled.

For God’s sake, egg people? Now that’s just really fucked up if you asked me. Seriously, why?

13. All happiness for Easter from the chicks in in the car.

Apparently, there’s that one chick who’s not enjoying the ride. Then again, having to sit on the floor isn’t much fun either.

14. Instead of the Chicken dance, chicks prefer the congo line.

Why the kids form an arch as the chicks come in, I have no idea. Nor do the chicks, apparently.

15. For an injured chick, a Jewish egg bar is always the place to go.

This just looks so wrong on so many levels. Seriously, a Jewish egg bar? Come on.

16. Nothing says best wishes on Easter like rooster riding bunnies about to slaughter each other on the battlefield.

I guess this goes along the lines of “With best Easter wishes that you may die an honorable death in battle.” Because these bunnies are at all out war for God’s sake.

17. Perhaps a romantic bunny dinner can’t be without some flowers from a chick.

However, I think Peter Cottontail just wants to have sex with Flopsy and not much else. And I think Flopsy is thinking about getting the hell out and dodge.

18. “Hey, a bunny walking chicks on a leash.”

The rabbit is like, “Listen, sweetie. Pretend this never happened.” Also, what’s with the Easter eggs growing on trees?

19. For rabbits, there’s nothing like a nice quiet morning with the family.

Except with Mopsy and Cottontail fighting each other the carrot and lettuce. Meanwhile, everyone else pretends not to notice.

20. “Look, everyone, no hands.”

Meanwhile, Hutch’s friends are taking bets on when the egg basket will fall on his head. And they’re watching because they think it’d be hilarious. Hutch is such a show-off.

21. Here we come to a little chick enjoying an egg.

Hate to say this but, that ain’t right. I mean isn’t a chick eating from an egg cannibalism? Disturbing.

22. “Back off, girl, can’t you see I’m closed? Come back later.”

Sorry, but I don’t think the Easter Bunny is in the best mood right now. So if you need eggs, too bad.

23. As an adult Peter Rabbit and his buddies would steal objects from Mr. McGregor’s house and form a band.

They were known as the Jack Rabbits and would revolutionize stomp music forever. Not sure why they have eggs though.

24. Nothing brings a happy Easter like a bunny and chick near an egg.

From Popthomology: “Insane Albino Bunny Lord demands more and more from Slave Chick.” So if Slave Chick brings more clover, will he get his unborn sibling back?

25. There’s nothing more thrilling than a chick bicycle race.

Kind of impressed how their feet can meet the pedals. However, they’re not wearing helmets.

26. If chick bike races aren’t your thing, then you might like a rabbit back race.

So there are chick jockeys riding on rabbits like they’re horses. And I thought the chick bike race was crazy. This is unbelievable.

27. A rooster is always a distinguished gentleman.

Though why it has people hands just freaks me out. Just doesn’t look right on him. Also, why is he using an egg like an accessory?

28. “Happy Easter from our henhouse to yours.”

Okay, this is just even freakier. Why the hell does this chicken family have human faces? That’s just really fucked up.

29. Of course, you can always send a religious Easter card. Usually nothing goes wrong there.

Since Jesus resurrected from the dead on Easter, a child now breaks from an egg and rains Easter eggs for all the children. Okay, that’s just wrong.

30. Easter is always a time of family togetherness.

“I’m sorry, kids, but Daddy’s never coming home for Easter since he stepped on a mine in No Man’s Land. But I’m sure he’s here in spirit watching over us. We just won’t see him.”

31. It’s always a thrill to see a chick and rabbit dance.

Yes, I know it’s kind of strange to see rabbits and chicks dancing with each other. The chick band doesn’t seem impressed.

32. Benjamin Bunny always carries a slate board and pussy willows.

How he manages to draw anything, I have absolutely no idea. But the stash seems carrot shaped.

33. For a rooster to lay eggs with chickens, he must know how to serenade her.

It helps if the rooster knows a musical instrument like a lute. Because his singing might wake up the neighborhood during the night.

34. These bunnies always know some tricks.

And it seems that the rabbit crowd loves it. Had it be a musician, it might’ve started some unstoppable breeding.

35. A child shall lead some sheep pulling an egg on a chariot.

Nevertheless, there’s something really disturbing about this. It seems that after the egg is at its destination, those lambs are mutton.

36. “Ladies and gentlemen, all aboard on the Easter Express.”

Those eggs look huge for some reason. Also, what’s with the bunnies operating a train?

37. “They’re gaining on us! Load the anti-aircraft egg cannon!”

For nothing says Easter like using colored eggs as ammunition. They’re even used to shoot down enemy airplanes.

38. Easter is always a time for eggs to find love.

Except for that one egg at the receptacle. Let’s hope he doesn’t end up like Humpty Dumpty. Also, why?

39. Seems like Jack Frost messed with the wrong herd of rabbits.

Here they have him on an egg and beaten senseless. Because bunnies show no mercy.

40. Happy Easter, compliments of the eggshell boat races.

Wonder how rabbits manage to fit in them. And why are they using on one oar? Shouldn’t they just have oars you use for kayaks?

41. Bunnies always enjoy a nice quiet tea now and then.

However, even Mopsy wants to know why Randall has to smoke his long pipe at the table. It just look strange like a hookah or something.

42. Even chicks like to take a vacation on the high seas.

Though in this case, the crowd at the dock is waiting for arrival at port. And they’re all carrying egg baskets for some reason.

43. Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Rabbit, it’s a girl.

However, everyone will know she’s adopted since it’s obvious. But I’m sure they’ll treat her like their other children. Though I’m sure they can’t keep track of them all.

44. “How about we go for a swing in an eggshell?”

Susie shouldn’t have taken the eggs with her on her lap. Since they can drop to the rabbit’s dismay.

45. With pussy willows and an eggshell outfit, she is all set for Easter.

A dress would’ve been fine. Wearing an eggshell like that just makes her look stupid. And possibly unable to sit down.

46. The rabbit pulled chick stagecoach has arrived.

Yes, I know it’s crazy using the bunnies as horses. But please, I wasn’t consulted and am just as freaked out as you are.

47. “You know what? Let’s shoot a bunch of eggs in a cannon at once.”

Well, at least they’re not shooting off fireworks. But why are they dressed in skimpy Greek outfits I don’t understand.

48. Unfortunately, Snookums couldn’t resist the temptation.

Let’s hope he escapes this with an injured tail. Because that chicken has a vicious streak a mile wide.

49. Sometimes a rabbit likes to show off in his top hat and tails.

Apparently, the chick maid isn’t impressed by his style. Well, can’t win them all.

50. “As long as we’re on the large egg, the dogs can’t get to us.”

As we all know, dogs kill rabbits. Still, I think these 2 should’ve picked a higher hiding place. Because the dogs can easily get to them.

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Vintage Saint Patrick’s Day Greetings of the Emerald Isle

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As you probably know by now, people have always been sending greeting cards to each other during certain holidays. And Saint Patrick’s Day was no exception to that, especially in the days before the Internet. We should also note that in the olden days, the 19th century was a very terrible time in Ireland that a series of unfortunate events, most notably the Irish Potato Famine of the 1840s prompted a mass diaspora from there to other parts of the world such as the United States. But they also found new homes in other places like the United Kingdom, Australia, New Zealand, and even Latin America. And it’s because so many Irish immigrants came to these parts of the world that Saint Patrick’s Day is such a widely celebrated holiday. This is particularly the case in the 19th century when so many Irish Americans were either immigrants or related to one where we first see many of these celebrations get started like the Saint Patrick’s Day parades in places like Boston, New York, and Pittsburgh. So it’s not unusual to see Saint Patrick’s Day greeting cards around either. And though I could go all I want about these lovely works of Hallmark art, I understand you’d probably be bored to tears. So instead, I’ll stick to the ones that might make people scratch their heads. We should also note that the 19th century was a time when offensive Irish stereotypes proliferated which have now manifested in modern depictions on leprechauns to much Irish disdain. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of Saint Patrick’s Day cards from the days of old.

  1. “God bless dear/old Ireland our home/And all her Sons/Where’er they roam.”
For some reason this kid has the disposition of a future serial killer. There is now soul within those Irish eyes.

For some reason this kid has the disposition of a future serial killer. There is now soul within those Irish eyes.

2. “See my flag and see my hat./Sure you’re right! My name is Pat.”

Another soulless Irish lad. Seems like he's using his superficial innocence to play you for a fool before stabbing you in the back. Don't be taken in.

Another soulless Irish lad. Seems like he’s using his superficial innocence to play you for a fool before stabbing you in the back. Don’t be taken in.

3. Even Santa Claus has a bit of Irish in him.

How can Saint Nick be Irish, I have no idea. But I don't think dressing up as a leprechaun will endear him to the good Irish boys and girls.

How can Saint Nick be Irish, I have no idea. But I don’t think dressing up as a leprechaun will endear him to the good Irish boys and girls.

4. A Saint Patrick’s Day greeting and wait a minute, that doesn’t look like an Irish flag.

Okay, I had to look this flag up on Google. According to a historical flag site, it's the Saint Patrick's Cross flag used by the Irish National Corporate Party of the 1930s known as the "Greenshirts." And it was an openly fascist organization. So though it's seen as a traditional Irish flag before then, it hasn't been used in Ireland since.

Okay, I had to look this flag up on Google. According to a historical flag site, it’s the Saint Patrick’s Cross flag which was allegedly used by the Irish National Corporate Party of the 1930s known as the “Greenshirts.” And it was an openly fascist organization. So though it’s seen as a traditional Irish flag before then, it hasn’t been used in Ireland since.

5. May luck bestow blessings upon you the way leprechauns shower shamrocks from blimps.

Yes, I know it looks ridiculous. But blimps have appeared on a variety of greeting cards during this period. Not sure why.

Yes, I know it looks ridiculous. But blimps have appeared on a variety of greeting cards during this period. Not sure why.

6. Nothing brings in the spirit of Saint Patrick’s Day like an Irish lass riding a white pipe.

And she's riding it like a horse as if she's in someone's drug induced pipe dream. I'm sure someone was high off some opium binge to come up with this idea.

And she’s riding it like a horse as if she’s in someone’s drug induced pipe dream. I’m sure someone was high off some opium binge to come up with this idea.

7. Happy Saint Patrick’s Day from high up in the shamrock plane.

Not sure if you can really fly that thing or whether it's safe to stand up in it. In any case, if these two survive a crash, consider them lucky.

Not sure if you can really fly that thing or whether it’s safe to stand up in it. In any case, if these two survive a crash, consider them lucky.

8. “Me Irish eyes are smilin.'”

Hate to say this, but Irish Mr. Potato Head looks so damn creepy. Like he's out to get you during a hangover kind of way.

Hate to say this, but Irish Mr. Potato Head looks so damn creepy. Like he’s out to get you during a hangover kind of way.

9. Saint Patrick’s Day greetings from the nightmarish green woman holding a shamrock wreath.

Sorry, but pale green skin makes her seem like a bride of Dracula than an Irish angel. I'm sure she'll haunt many Irish dreams.

Sorry, but pale green skin makes her seem like a bride of Dracula than an Irish angel. I’m sure she’ll haunt many Irish dreams.

10. On Saint Patrick’s Day, it’s customary to get all shamrocked out.

She even has a shamrock dress on. And a yellow hat with shamrocks on it. I'm sure Lady Gaga would wear the same thing.

She even has a shamrock dress on. And a yellow hat with shamrocks on it. I’m sure Lady Gaga would wear the same thing.

11. An Irishman always likes to see his lass in a shamrock dress.

The fact a lot of women's dresses were shaped like that at the time was coincidental. Though this is kind of ridiculous.

The fact a lot of women’s dresses were shaped like that at the time was coincidental. Though this is kind of ridiculous.

12. These Irish kids would like to bestow a Saint Patrick’s Day greeting.

I'm sure little Patty is giving little Molly some clover because she wants to see her tits and look up her skirt. And Molly knows it.

I’m sure little Patty is giving little Molly some clover because she wants to see her tits and look up her skirt. And Molly knows it.

13. Irish couples always know when to get it on during Saint Patrick’s Day.

However, whether the guy practiced consent is another matter. But she doesn't seem to mind because he's hot.

However, whether the guy practiced consent is another matter. But she doesn’t seem to mind because he’s hot.

14. May Saint Patrick’s Day make you a lucky frog on March 17th.

I have no idea what the frog has to do with Saint Patrick's Day. Is it because it's green. Other than that, not much else.

I have no idea what the frog has to do with Saint Patrick’s Day. Is it because it’s green. Other than that, not much else.

15. Erin Go Bragh for this pair of newlyweds.

Who seem to resemble a couple you'd find in a creepy illustration of some Gothic novel. Though they do seem terrifyingly happy together.

Who seem to resemble a couple you’d find in a creepy illustration of some Gothic novel. Though they do seem terrifyingly happy together.

16. This garden gnome wishes you a lucky Saint Patrick’s Day.

You better because this gnome might want to kill your cat sometime. His eyes only show pure evil.

You better because this gnome might want to kill your cat sometime. His eyes only show pure evil.

17. “St. Patrick’s Day and I wish you luck.”

Now I understand the oversized shamrock. But the small pig? Not so much.

Now I understand the oversized shamrock. But the small pig? Not so much.

18. “Nothing slow for the likes of us.”

So this card implies that the Irish are bad drivers? Seems to be the case.

So this card implies that the Irish are bad drivers? Seems to be the case.

19. “Good luck on Saint Patrick’s Day.”

Let's just say disembodied Cabbage Patch doll heads aren't what you'd want to put on a St. Paddy's Day card. Oh wait, those are potatoes.

Let’s just say disembodied Cabbage Patch doll heads aren’t what you’d want to put on a St. Paddy’s Day card. Oh wait, those are potatoes.

20. Saint Patrick’s Day Greetings from the woman with the giant pipe.

And that pipe is making a smoky haze. But I don't think she's bringing luck but lung cancer. Seriously, what's with the large pipe?

And that pipe is making a smoky haze. But I don’t think she’s bringing luck but lung cancer. Seriously, what’s with the large pipe?

21. “Tis the shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day/ That bring back memories dear and gay.”

Though the kid's expression on his face reads something more sinister. And no, I don't think he's musing about Ireland either.

Though the kid’s expression on his face reads something more sinister. And no, I don’t think he’s musing about Ireland either.

22. Some tourists in Ireland would go to great lengths to kiss the Blarney Stone.

But using a rope harness is kind of ridiculous. Seriously, please don't try this. Ever.

But using a rope harness is kind of ridiculous. Seriously, please don’t try this. Ever.

23. It’s always grand to watch the Saint Patrick’s Day parade.

However, this doesn't change the fact the Irish here are depicted in a very disparaging way. And that there's booze depicted along the border.

However, this doesn’t change the fact the Irish here are depicted in a very disparaging way. And that there’s booze depicted along the border.

24. Saint Patrick’s Day is always a time to celebrate.

Now this couple looks rather cartoonish. Guess card designers of the time couldn't resist putting in Irish stereotypes after all.

Now this couple looks rather cartoonish in caricature. Guess card designers of the time couldn’t resist putting in Irish stereotypes after all.

25. “May the corners of yer mouth never turn down.”

Apparently. people in the 19th century thought old Irish ladies resembled witches who'd own candy houses to lure kids they'd cook for dinner. Seriously, this is in very poor taste if you ask me.

Apparently. people in the 19th century thought old Irish ladies resembled witches who’d own candy houses to lure kids they’d cook for dinner. Seriously, this is in very poor taste if you ask me.

26. “Here’s to the Auld Sod,/An’ shamrock so green,/Th’ land ave Saint Patrick,/Th’ Emerald Queen.”

Hmm...a jolly Irish guy dressed like a leprechaun with a glass of booze. Not something I've seen before (sarcasm).

Hmm…a jolly Irish guy dressed like a leprechaun with a glass of booze. Not something I’ve seen before (sarcasm).

27. How about an old Irish jig?

Is that guy dancing with a club in his hand? If so, is it to clobber any guy who wants to dance with his girlfriend? I need answers.

Is that guy dancing with a club in his hand? If so, is it to clobber any guy who wants to dance with his girlfriend? I need answers.

28. “An may ye always feel as gay as I do on Saint Patrick’s Day.”

In other words, "plastered drunk." Yes, the Irish drunk is on a Saint Patrick's Day card. I believe this card was sent to the Irish in people's lives they hated.

In other words, “plastered drunk.” Yes, the Irish drunk is on a Saint Patrick’s Day card. I believe this card was sent to the Irish in people’s lives they hated.

29. “Never a girl so sweet as an Irish girl.”

And in Ireland, you'll find Irish girls come in 3 different varieties such as blond, brunette, and redhead. As this pipe shamrock smokescreen can show.

And in Ireland, you’ll find Irish girls come in 3 different varieties such as blond, brunette, and redhead. As this pipe shamrock smokescreen can show.

30. Saint Patrick’s Day is always a time of Irish love.

Though I'm not sure whether they're supposed to be dancing or making out. Can go either way.

Though I’m not sure whether they’re supposed to be dancing or making out. Can go either way.

31. Even Cupid would like to get in the Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations.

For the love of God, Cupid, Valentine's Day is over. Seriously, what the hell are you doing on a card for St. Patrick's Day. It's not your holiday.

For the love of God, Cupid, Valentine’s Day is over. Seriously, what the hell are you doing on a card for St. Patrick’s Day. It’s not your holiday.

32. Saint Patrick’s Day is a merry time in dear old Ireland.

Yet, this guy happily wields his club when he's walking his pig. No, I don't think Irishmen are like this.

Yet, this guy happily wields his club when he’s walking his pig. No, I don’t think Irishmen are like this.

33. Irish couples always seem to enjoy a bit of blarney.

However, the guy in this card seems to remind me of a creepy old man for some reason. Not sure why.

However, the guy in this card seems to remind me of a creepy old man for some reason. Not sure why.

34. On Saint Patrick’s Day, Uncle Sam loves to make out with his Irish lass.

Yes, I know this is at a purely symbolic angle. However, Uncle Sam is supposed to look like a skinny old guy. So you get the creepy vibes.

Yes, I know this is at a purely symbolic angle. However, Uncle Sam is supposed to look like a skinny old guy. So you get the creepy vibes.

35. Shamrock head would like to wish you a Saint Patrick’s Day greetings.

But instead of bringing you luck, it'll bring you nightmares. Seriously, why?

But instead of bringing you luck, it’ll bring you nightmares. Seriously, why?

36. Speaking of Uncle Sam, here he enjoys an Irish toast.

I know this is supposed to be a gesture of Irish and American friendship. But the Irish guy is represented by an oversized leprechaun.

I know this is supposed to be a gesture of Irish and American friendship. But the Irish guy is represented by an oversized leprechaun.

37. There’s nothing on Saint Patrick’s Day like a peaceful rowboat ride.

Yet, we find this Irishman in a boat with 2 women which is about to capsize. Wonder what it says about him.

Yet, we find this Irishman in a boat with 2 women which is about to capsize. Wonder what it says about him.

38. Best wishes on Saint Patrick’s Day from the clover kids.

So I bet this card was made possible by acid trips. Not sure how else I can explain it.

So I bet this card was made possible by acid trips. Not sure how else I can explain it.

39. “I’m thinking of Old Erin tonight/Of the dear little cot by the sea/for the shamrock on St. Patrick’s Day/Still bringing back memories to me.”

However, I'm sure the woman is like, "Sorry, but I'm not interested so get your stupid hand off me." Yeah, I don't think she's happy.

However, I’m sure the woman is like, “Sorry, but I’m not interested so get your stupid hand off me.” Yeah, I don’t think she’s happy.

40. Here’s looking at you on Saint Patrick’s Day.

Because nothing says Saint Patrick's Day like a pair of eyes staring at you through a shamrock. Now that's very unsettling.

Because nothing says Saint Patrick’s Day like a pair of eyes staring at you through a shamrock. Now that’s very unsettling.

41. “Here’s to the toast in th’ rosy cup/To Swatehearts far across the sea/Wid wine ave hope/We fill it up/An’ drink to days that yet may be.”

Another depiction of an Irishman drinking. I know it's an offensive stereotype that never seems to die.

Another depiction of an Irishman drinking. I know it’s an offensive stereotype that never seems to die.

42. How about a toast to Ireland on Saint Patrick’s Day?

Yes, it looks like a toast. But we all know what'll happen afterwards.

Yes, it looks like a toast. But we all know what’ll happen afterwards.

43. “Let our hearts be young at the dawning/of Saint Patrick’s Day in the morning.”

The guy in this card isn't drawn very well. Yes, he's supposed to look happy. But his expression is more terrifying. And holding the club doesn't help.

The guy in this card isn’t drawn very well. Yes, he’s supposed to look happy. But his expression is more terrifying. And holding the club doesn’t help.

44. Nothing makes one feel lucky on Saint Patrick’s Day like pilfering a pig.

For some reason, pigs were seen as symbols of luck back in the day. Not sure why.

For some reason, pigs were seen as symbols of luck back in the day. Not sure why.

45. “The sweet little green little shamrock of Ireland.”

Don't look now but I think the man might have eyes on the girl with ill intent. The girl should run away while she still can.

Don’t look now but I think the man might have eyes on the girl with ill intent. The girl should run away while she still can.

46. Saint Patrick’s Day is always marked by the wearing of the green.

And in here even the bird of prey is green. Nevertheless, the woman has a rather oversized head for some reason.

And in here even the bird of prey is green. Nevertheless, the woman has a rather oversized head for some reason.

47. “Saint Patrick was a gentleman.”

For the love of God, this kid looks like a pure monster in a little suit. Avoid him like the plague.

For the love of God, this kid looks like a pure monster in a little suit. Avoid him like the plague.

48. On Saint Patrick’s Day, the whole world looks upon Ireland.

Don't tell me that's a crazed Santa Claus dressed in leprechaun garb. Might need to calm down a bit.

Don’t tell me that’s a crazed Santa Claus dressed in leprechaun garb. Might need to calm down a bit.

49. There’s room for everyone on the Shamrock blimp.

Though why anyone would disregard any notion of safety is a good question. Hope they're lucky to have parachutes.

Though why anyone would disregard any notion of safety is a good question. Hope they’re lucky to have parachutes.

50. You never know what you’d find on Saint Patrick’s Day.

I'm sure that guy is interested in watching the girl beside him peeling potatoes. Then again, he probably has his eyes stuck somewhere else.

I’m sure that guy is interested in watching the girl beside him peeling potatoes. Then again, he probably has his eyes stuck somewhere else.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Ads (Fourth Edition)

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The beginning of this year hasn’t been good to me other than Netflix premiering A Series of Unfortunate Events  and finally getting to see Rogue One of course. For the nation, we saw the end of a great presidency and the swearing of a president who I strongly believe has absolutely no conscience, has no reason to be trusted, and probably has no idea how to run the country. Oh, and his presidency has a chance to embolden white supremacists as well as inspired mass protests. On Sunday this week, the nation witnessed the Atlanta Falcons nearly winning the Super Bowl before unbelievably seizing defeat in the jaws of victory against the New England Cheetahs, excuse me, I mean Patriots. And to insult to injury, Deflategate Quarterback Tom Brady received another MVP trophy. Yes, it always sucks to see this wretched team win outside of New England of course. For me, personally, I lost my grandfather on the week of my 27th birthday which was sad and somewhat sudden but not unexpected since he was 89. Yet, his loss certainly leaves a big void in my family as well as my life. And that my birthday was on his viewing while his funeral was the next day. So perhaps it would be nice of me to perhaps put some fun blog posts in for once just to hold myself over until after Valentine’s Day. Though McDonald’s has already released their shamrock line already which I believe is premature. And I thought nothing would be better than another vintage ad post. Yes, I know these are crazy nostalgia busting ad pieces are things you can’t unsee. But please, we should understand that they belong to a time when many people consider America great that they voted a billionaire devil in ugly orange hair who brags about grabbing women by the pussy in order to make America great again. In truth, that time they nostalgize about really wasn’t that great as these ads show. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of questionable vintage advertising. Enjoy.

  1. A Kiddie-Coop keeps your baby safe and sound.
For some reason, it reminds me of a cage you'd keep your pet rabbit in. Or is it a pet turtle?

For some reason, it reminds me of a cage you’d keep your pet rabbit in. Or is it a pet turtle?

2. Satisfy your sadistic urges with a Whizooka roach gun.

Warning: Might contain poisonous chemicals that might make your family ill or kill your pets. Might affect other wildlife populations as well. Please use responsibly.

Warning: Might contain poisonous chemicals that might make your family ill or kill your pets. Might affect other wildlife populations as well. Please use responsibly.

3. Stevens: the choice of gun for any child soldier.

Okay, this kid doesn't look like he's on a duck hunt. His expression is more akin of Paul Baumer from All Quiet on the Western Front.

Okay, this kid doesn’t look like he’s on a duck hunt. His expression is more akin of Paul Baumer from All Quiet on the Western Front.

4. Give her a gift she’ll truly appreciate forever like her very own garbage disposal.

To be fair, it's probably not the worst thing to give a woman on Valentine's Day. But it's not one that inspires true romance.

To be fair, it’s probably not the worst thing to give a woman on Valentine’s Day. But it’s not one that inspires true romance.

5. “Should I leave you on the doorstep, Mom?”

Because nobody shames mothers into using a product like introducing a freaky alternative reality. I think Johnson & Johnson hired real basket cases to do this ad.

Because nobody shames mothers into using a product like introducing a freaky alternative reality. I think Johnson & Johnson hired real basket cases to do this ad.

6. Men, do you enjoy engaging in spousal abuse for kicks? The BPA Fun Center is the place for you.

Okay, I get that this ad doesn't intend to promote domestic violence against women at any time. It's supposed to be for a place like Dave & Busters. But the slogan is just so wrong.

Okay, I get that this ad doesn’t intend to promote domestic violence against women at any time. It’s supposed to be for a place like Dave & Busters. But the slogan is just so wrong.

7. Campbell’s Soup: the #1 soup for the budding child psychopath.

Because there's nothing that your budding psychokiller won't enjoy more than some very salty chicken noodle soup. Campbells Mmmmm....salt.

Because there’s nothing that your budding psychokiller won’t enjoy more than some very salty chicken noodle soup. Campbells Mmmmm….salt.

8. Dr. Pepper is always healthy and invigorating that you’d want to get naked at the beach.

So in the early 1900s it was perfectly okay to feature naked women in order to sell stuff. And they thought women wear to little in our advertising.

So in the early 1900s it was perfectly okay to feature naked women in order to sell stuff. And they thought women wear to little in our advertising.

9. Keep yourselves healthy all winter long with a GE sunlamp.

The baby in the doctor's outfit is quite freaky if you ask me. Also, I'm not sure if sun lamps are good for you anyway.

The baby in the doctor’s outfit is quite freaky if you ask me. Also, I’m not sure if sun lamps are good for you anyway.

10. Thanks to Planetary Pencil Pointer, a woman can now sharpen her pencil.

Uh, sharpening pencils doesn't require a lot of physical strength to begin with. Even if you don't use a crank. Seriously, this is just sexist garbage.

Uh, sharpening pencils doesn’t require a lot of physical strength to begin with. Even if you don’t use a crank. Seriously, this is just sexist garbage. But at least it comes from a company whose name is quite fitting.

11. Thanks to DDT, this baby no longer has to worry about the pesky flies.

Unfortunately, you couldn't say the same for the other baby creatures out there. Since DDT has led to thinning eggshells on multiple birds of prey who eat fly infested vermin. This has put a lot of animals on the Endangered Species List.

Unfortunately, you couldn’t say the same for the other baby creatures out there. Since DDT has led to thinning eggshells on multiple birds of prey who eat fly infested vermin. This has put a lot of animals on the Endangered Species List.

12. Doctors agree that Camel cigarettes are great for a child’s health and life expectancy.

Yes, the little girl thinks she'll live to be a hundred when she starts smoking. But what's more likely to happen is that she'll probably end up with a slew of respiratory problems before dying of lung cancer before reaching 60.

Yes, the little girl thinks she’ll live to be a hundred when she starts smoking. But what’s more likely to happen is that she’ll probably end up with a slew of respiratory problems before dying of lung cancer before reaching 60.

13. Problems in your sex life? Well, look no further than in the self-help book Eugenics and Sex Harmony.

Not recommended for ethnic minorities, poor people, and the disabled. Who shouldn't be having feeble minded kids anyway. Seriously, what else does eugenics mean?

Not recommended for ethnic minorities, poor people, and the disabled. Who shouldn’t be having feeble minded kids anyway. Seriously, what else does eugenics mean?

14. Horton’s furniture says let him worry about Vietnam while you ladies think about getting a new sofa.

To be fair, women weren't subjected to the draft in the late 1960s. However, this ad is incredibly sexist just the same for obvious reasons.

To be fair, women weren’t subjected to the draft in the late 1960s. However, this ad is incredibly sexist just the same for obvious reasons.

15. Finally, a scrapbook for the “Homely Woman,” only so they know how to pass as pretty.

Because, ladies, if you can't be a delicate flower who can fit in a suffocating corset, then no man will want you. By the way, if it helps you, Eleanor Roosevelt wasn't considered a great beauty in her day but managed to find a man anyway. Even if he was her 5th cousin. Though her great asset was her brains.

Because, ladies, if you can’t be a delicate flower who can fit in a suffocating corset, then no man will want you. By the way, if it helps you, Eleanor Roosevelt wasn’t considered a great beauty in her day but managed to find a man anyway. Even if he was her 5th cousin who cheated on her.

16. Enhance your respiratory capabilities with a wonderful lung expander.

I don't know about you, but it seems like this boy is taking in air through a vacuum resembling a flying saucer. Makes me scratch my head.

I don’t know about you, but it seems like this boy is taking in air through a vacuum resembling a flying saucer. Makes me scratch my head.

17. A Singer sewing machine is sewing made easy.

While Mom teaches little Susie how to use this thing, little Susie wants to know how she can use this machine to knock down little Timmy from across the street. Because she doesn't see much use in sewing clothes.

While Mom teaches little Susie how to use this thing, little Susie wants to know how she can use this machine to knock down little Timmy from across the street. Because she doesn’t see much use in sewing clothes.

18. Vigoro makes your lawn as good as it looks.

So go ahead let your toddler play outside with his diaper. Then again, from that boy's look, I feel more for the cat.

So go ahead let your toddler play outside with his diaper. Then again, from that boy’s look, I feel more for the cat.

19. Women, if your husband won’t have sex with you, you might be using the wrong vagina cleaner. So consider Zonite.

For some reason, I consider such ads about "feminine hygiene" that shames women for dirty private parts among the most sexist. These are clearly about shaming women for not keeping their vaginas clean enough. Good God.

For some reason, I consider such ads about “feminine hygiene” that shames women for dirty private parts among the most sexist. These are clearly about shaming women for not keeping their vaginas clean enough. Good God.

20. Parker: making pens for women before Bic did. Because girls have smaller hands.

Ellen Degeneres did a whole comedy bit on this which was hilarious. Seriously, women have been using regular pens for years. The idea women need special pens for them is just stupid.

Ellen Degeneres did a whole comedy bit on this which was hilarious. Seriously, women have been using regular pens for years. The idea women need special pens for them is just stupid.

21. Champion’s Mustard: the perfect condiment for a midsummer’s night dream.

Are those supposed to be black? Because if they are, I have a bad feeling about this. Also, Bottom looks like he's just wearing a donkey head.

Are those supposed to be black? Because if they are, I have a bad feeling about this. Also, Bottom looks like he’s just wearing a donkey head.

22. Keep your kids from falling out of the car with a Dickson Rear automatic door lock.

Because this car surely didn't come with a built-in child safety locks on the doors. Or seatbelts for that matter.

Because this car surely didn’t come with a built-in child safety locks on the doors. Or seatbelts for that matter.

23. Incompatible really means “the wife has a dirty vagina problem.” So fix it withe Lysol.

So in olden days, doctors encouraged women to put cleaning products in their hoohahs. Jesus Christ, that's a really super dumb way to fix your relationship.

So in olden days, doctors encouraged women to put cleaning products in their hoohahs. Jesus Christ, that’s a really super dumb and dangerous way to fix your relationship. Marriage counseling would be safer.

24. Put your man at ease over causing the fender bender with a pie made from Jell-O pudding.

So Jell-O believes that women are bad drivers. What a bunch of sexist assholes.

So Jell-O believes that women are bad drivers. What a bunch of sexist assholes.

25. Softness is what boys always find desirable in girls. So try Baby Soft.

Please let this girl be at least 18. Also, why the hell do they have an adult cosmetics like called Baby Soft? That's just freaky.

Please let this girl be at least 18. Also, why the hell do they have an adult cosmetics like called Baby Soft? That’s just freaky.

26. Pratts Healing Ointment cures both man and beast.

However, going to bed with your horse, well, that's not necessarily encouraged. Seriously, that's kind of sick if you think about it.

However, going to bed with your horse, well, that’s not necessarily encouraged. Seriously, that’s kind of sick if you think about it.

27. Do it on the floor with the love rug.

"The Love Rug strokes your bodies as you make love." So how can a rug do that. Also, is that David Hasselhoff?

“The Love Rug strokes your bodies as you make love.” So how can a rug do that. Also, is that David Hasselhoff?

28. Killed your husband and need to getaway fast? Broadway Deluxe Cab is at your service.

It's the cab service you call when you need to get out before the police arrive and find your prints all over the gun. I don't know about you, but I don't think this is an appropriate ad campaign in the least.

It’s the cab service you call when you need to get out before the police arrive and find your prints all over the gun. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think this is an appropriate ad campaign in the least.

29. Wash your boy’s hair with Lucky Tiger Hair Tonic so he won’t lose it when he’s older.

Unfortunately, Lucky Tiger won't prevent hair loss if baldness runs in your family. Because that's determined by genetics, folks. But some will lose their hair earlier than others.

Unfortunately, Lucky Tiger won’t prevent hair loss if baldness runs in your family. Because that’s determined by genetics, folks. But some will lose their hair earlier than others.

30. Keep your calls secret with a voice silencer.

Wonder how that works. I'm sure it won't be effective if you're on a party line.

Wonder how that works. I’m sure it won’t be effective if you’re on a party line.

31. Stop being bored by going on a trip to Disneyland.

After all, you probably need it as much as you need a hole in the head. Okay, that doesn't send a very good message.

After all, you probably need it as much as you need a hole in the head. Okay, that doesn’t send a very good message.

32. Thought your kid would be a different gender? Rexall’s got you covered.

So what if he was hoping for a boy and got a girl? I'm sure his daughter will appreciate the Panda bear teddy anyway. Also, kids are too young for all that sporting equipment anyway.

So what if he was hoping for a boy and got a girl? I’m sure his daughter will appreciate the Panda bear teddy anyway. Also, kids are too young for all that sporting equipment anyway.

33. King Electric Furnaces are stacked for comfort so you can safely sit on one with your bare ass.

Well, I have to hand it for King in this case even though I usually don't approve of naked women. But this one shows that you can sit on their furnace and not burn your ass off. What can be better than that.

Well, I have to hand it for King in this case even though I usually don’t approve of naked women. But this one shows that you can sit on their furnace and not burn your ass off. What can be better than that.

34. Have your dogs get in shape while you drive with a “canine exerciser.”

As someone who's watched Vacation, tying your dog to a car can constitute as animal cruelty and kill them. A canine exerciser is a great way to get your local Humane Society to hate you.

As someone who’s watched Vacation, tying your dog to a car can constitute as animal cruelty and kill them. A canine exerciser is a great way to get your local Humane Society to hate you.

35. All these pretty women can’t find husbands because of one crucial problem.

I think I know where this is going. Let me guess, dirty vaginas? Seriously, why the obsession?

I think I know where this is going. Let me guess, dirty vaginas? Seriously, why the obsession?

36. Nothing cures domestic squabbles like Arpege perfume.

From Tinsel Creation: "'“Mommy, don’t cry… I’m sure Daddy’s giving you Arpège.' Nothing sells a classic like the suggestion of domestic violence, apparently. Promise her anything…"

From Tinsel Creation: “‘“Mommy, don’t cry… I’m sure Daddy’s giving you Arpège.’ Nothing sells a classic like the suggestion of domestic violence, apparently. Promise her anything…”

37. Sold digestive problems with Burdock’s Pills.

For some reason, this add suggests that your liver helps you shit. I'm not so sure whoever came up with this ad understands human anatomy.

For some reason, this add suggests that your liver helps you shit. I’m not so sure whoever came up with this ad understands human anatomy.

38. Do you still beat your wife? Keep it up.

This is for a booklet titled, "Why You Should Beat Your Wife." You read that right. This ad promotes domestic abuse, for God's sake. What the hell?

This is for a booklet titled, “Why You Should Beat Your Wife.” You read that right. This ad promotes domestic abuse, for God’s sake. What the hell?

39. Planning to kill your wife sometime soon? Get her an Albany Life insurance policy first.

The fact this ad features knives, pills, bleach, and a pillow makes it seem like this insurance company wants guys to kill their wives. Couldn't they feature something less disturbing like funeral stuff?

The fact this ad features knives, pills, bleach, and a pillow makes it seem like this insurance company wants guys to kill their wives. Couldn’t they feature something less disturbing like funeral stuff?

40. Lavine soap gets things clean.

But please treat yourself to this naked kid about to strangle a swan with bare hands. Hey, that's what it looks like to me.

But please treat yourself to this naked kid about to strangle a swan with bare hands. Hey, that’s what it looks like to me.

41. Centaur Massage cologne is half-man, half-beast but all male.

It's the kind of cologne an Ancient Greek man would want to be massaged with by a skimpy clad woman. Still, given a centaur's body hair abundance, would anyone want to mate with one? Especially after what the centaurs might've done to Umbridge.

It’s the kind of cologne an Ancient Greek man would want to be massaged with by a skimpy clad woman. Still, given a centaur’s body hair abundance, would anyone want to mate with one? Especially after what the centaurs might’ve done to Umbridge.

42. The hotter the day, the more you need Ethyl gasoline.

Note that Ethyl has become notorious for its tetraled gasoline which has contributed to a ton of deadly pollution in the atmosphere and posed significant health risks. The guy who invented this would later create CFCs that would cause a hole in the ozone layer.

Note that Ethyl has become notorious for its tetraled gasoline which has contributed to a ton of deadly pollution in the atmosphere and posed significant health risks. The guy who invented this would later create CFCs that would cause a hole in the ozone layer.

43. Joy’s Cigarettes are great for your asthma.

In reality, they'll only exacerbate your asthma and lead to other health problems that could kill you. And no, they're not safe for children at all.

In reality, they’ll only exacerbate your asthma and lead to other health problems that could kill you. And no, they’re not safe for children at all.

44. Remember, ladies, your bad breath will drive your man away.

I'm sure in plenty of relationships didn't end because the woman had bad breath or used the wrong toothpaste. Also, what's the spider web suppose to mean?

I’m sure in plenty of relationships didn’t end because the woman had bad breath or used the wrong toothpaste. Also, what’s the spider web suppose to mean?

45. Need to stop for a few things? Keep your kids in the car while you visit a 7-Eleven.

Nowadays, keeping your kids in the car might get you arrested for child neglect during the summer. Because keeping your kids in a hot car is a major parenting no-no.

Nowadays, keeping your kids in the car might get you arrested for child neglect during the summer. Because keeping your kids in a hot car is a major parenting no-no.

46. Now you can make your home gay with Gaytop table covers.

I'm sure this ad gets unintentional shits and giggles because "gay" has a different connotation these days. The smiling guy in the plaid shirt make this ad even funnier.

I’m sure this ad gets unintentional shits and giggles because “gay” has a different connotation these days. The smiling guy in the plaid shirt make this ad even funnier.

47. Zonite: the feminine hygiene product for whenever your ginie gets too dirty for lovemaking.

Whenever I see ads like this, I tend to wonder why were they so obsessed with women keeping clean vaginas. This is ridiculous.

Whenever I see ads like this, I tend to wonder why were they so obsessed with women keeping clean vaginas. This is ridiculous.

48. A Sears Kenmore Stove is designed for wives but built for husbands.

So does this mean Kenmore thinks women belong in the kitchen? Because it sure seems like it.

So does this mean Kenmore thinks women belong in the kitchen? Because it sure seems like it.

49. “Are you sure I’d still be a virgin with Tampax?”

For the love of God, asking whether using Tampax hurts one's virginity is like asking whether Harry Potter will lead kids to sorcery and devil worship. We both obviously know that such concepts are utterly ridiculous to even think about. Jesus Christ!

For the love of God, asking whether using Tampax hurts one’s virginity is like asking whether Harry Potter will lead kids to sorcery and devil worship. We both obviously know that such concepts are utterly ridiculous to even think about. Jesus Christ!

50. Save your marriage by changing to Lipton Tea.

No, I don't think changing tea brands improves relationships. Except maybe during the American Revolution but otherwise not really.

No, I don’t think changing tea brands improves relationships. Except maybe during the American Revolution but otherwise not really.

51. Ladies, you can lose your man in a minute if you don’t wash your mouth with Listerine.

Look, if your man leaves you for having bad breath, then it's more likely he's the problem not you. And you're probably better off without Mr. Shallowpants.

Look, if your man leaves you for having bad breath, then it’s more likely he’s the problem not you. And you’re probably better off without Mr. Shallowpants anyway.

52. Don’t let menstrual panic happen to you, use Modess sanitary napkins.

Sure women experience period leakage all the time and it's embarrassing. However, this ad makes such worries severe enough for them to need a psychiatrist.

Sure women experience period leakage all the time and it’s embarrassing. However, this ad makes such worries severe enough for them to need a psychiatrist.

53. These days a girl doesn’t have to be pretty to be popular.

And I suppose you don't have to be a good hospital to be popular. Seriously, why would a girl snorting cocaine be a good way for a hospital to advertise? Were they trying to say they have a good drug treatment center? Because this picture doesn't make them look good at all.

And I suppose you don’t have to be a good hospital to be popular. Seriously, why would a girl snorting cocaine be a good way for a hospital to advertise? Were they trying to say they have a good drug treatment center? Because this picture doesn’t make them look good at all.

54. Husband more frigid than usual but won’t say why? Maybe because it’s stinky down there.

Or that her husband's head is literally frozen inside an ice cube. So I don't think cleaning her privates will help her in this case.

Or that her husband’s head is literally frozen inside an ice cube. So I don’t think cleaning her privates will help her in this case.

55. For women who want a better figure, try Jantzen girdles.

Think of it as spanx in your grandmother's time. Also, who the hell hangs up their laundry in their underwear? Not to mention, you can barely see it on her that her ass almost looks bare.

Think of it as spanx in your grandmother’s time. Also, who the hell hangs up their laundry in their underwear? Not to mention, you can barely see it on her that her ass almost looks bare.

56. A woman should always make sure whether her panties are up to date.

So you mean a woman has to have the latest panties? Seriously, if her panties aren't falling apart and fit her fine, then she doesn't need new ones. Because what she wears underneath is nobody's goddamned business.

So you mean a woman has to have the latest panties? Seriously, if her panties aren’t falling apart and fit her fine, then she doesn’t need new ones. Because what she wears underneath is nobody’s goddamned business.

57. Duraglas baby food shouldn’t leave a tiny bit to waste.

This baby's like, "Please, don't stick that into my mouth. Are you really not trying to poison me?"

This baby’s like, “Please, don’t stick that into my mouth. Are you really not trying to poison me?”

58. Smoke all you want with Jolt cigarettes.

Because odds are, you won't have much time in this world anyway. Since your chain-smoking habit will most likely cause you to die from lung cancer.

Because odds are, you won’t have much time in this world anyway. Since your chain-smoking habit will most likely cause you to die from lung cancer.

59. Do you inhale? Smoke Chesterfields.

Man, can't believe this slogan was used to get people to buy cigarettes since it's mostly used around pot smoking. Also, the woman doesn't seem to have much on her.

Man, can’t believe this slogan was used to get people to buy cigarettes since it’s mostly used around pot smoking. Also, the woman doesn’t seem to have much on her.

60. Church toilet seats are always a stunning improvement.

"And it has easy handling so Ray won't have to struggle putting it down after he pees." Sorry, but I couldn't resist.

“And it has easy handling so Ray won’t have to struggle putting it down after he pees.” Sorry, but I couldn’t resist.

61. Smoke Phillip Morris the throat tested cigarette.

I think my grandma recently talked about the creepy bellhop guy with the pack. And yes, he kind of belongs in a Stephen King novel.

I think my grandma recently talked about the creepy bellhop guy with the pack. And yes, he kind of belongs in a Stephen King novel.

62. Save money on women’s underwear during the JC Penny Father’s Day Sale.

It's especially disturbing it has the line, "We have exactly what you need that will satisfy and bring a smile to your father's face!" It's almost as if this ad was tailor made for Ivanka Trump.

It’s especially disturbing it has the line, “We have exactly what you need that will satisfy and bring a smile to your father’s face!” It’s almost as if this ad was tailor made for Ivanka Trump. Sorry, but that can’t be helped.

63. Iver Johnson Revolvers are the gun for the housewife left alone at night.

So a woman needs a gun to protect herself whenever someone knocks on the door. Sorry, but if you have to be armed to answer the door, you probably need to see a therapist.

So a woman needs a gun to protect herself whenever someone knocks on the door. Sorry, but if you have to be armed to answer the door, you probably need to see a therapist.

64. Upset that all the thin girls get more attention, then reduce your ugly fat with Ry-Krisp.

What a way to fat shame a woman in public, jerkass? For God's sake, she doesn't look that bad and I'm sure some guys would find her attractive despite her weight.

What a way to fat shame a woman in public, jerkass? For God’s sake, she doesn’t look that bad and I’m sure some guys would find her attractive despite her weight.

65. Dr. Swift is an expert in health who’ll teach you how to improve your sex life with a fine gentle massage.

Pardon me for reading too into this but this ad comes off as promoting a 19th century sex talk. Because the guy obviously has his hands up a woman's skirt. Okay, maybe it's just a doctor exam.

Pardon me for reading too into this but this ad comes off as promoting a 19th century sex talk. Because the guy obviously has his hands up a woman’s skirt. Okay, maybe it’s just a doctor exam.

66. Kids are always in the mood for toast and jam.

It's just the kind of treat for the kid who just came home for torturing the cat. Or the neighbor kid who creepily peaks through your blinds.

It’s just the kind of treat for the kid who just came home for torturing the cat. Or the neighbor kid who creepily peaks through your blinds.

67. Have your pooch travel in comfort with the “Bird-dog’s Palace.”

Because nothing shows you're good with animals like attaching a cage to the side of your car. And having that cage sport barred windows.

Because nothing shows you’re good with animals like attaching a cage to the side of your car. And having that cage sport barred windows.

68. Lighten the White Man’s Burden by using Pear’s Soap for cleanliness.

Because nothing brings the fresh smell of colonialism and culture superiority like Pear's. Man, this is epically racist with nods to Imperialism.

Because nothing brings the fresh smell of colonialism and culture superiority like Pear’s. Man, this is epically racist with nods to Imperialism.

69. The Gold Dust Twins are always the right brothers for cleaning.

But they're the wrong brothers when it comes to promoting diversity and multiculturalism. Seriously, Gold Dust might want to retire their virulently racist mascots.

But they’re the wrong brothers when it comes to promoting diversity and multiculturalism. Seriously, Gold Dust might want to retire their virulently racist mascots.

70. Keep your child safe in the car by tying them down to this safety harness.

Imagine what parents had to do to keep their kids safe in the car before they started requiring seatbelts. Probably won't recommend it.

Imagine what parents had to do to keep their kids safe in the car before they started requiring seatbelts. Probably won’t recommend it.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Fourth Edition)

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Now that I got some Fuckface von Clownstick inaugural angst out of the way, I should now get into the Valentine’s Day posts. And what better way to start off than with a collection of political incorrectness of crazy vintage valentines? I mean these posts have been quite successful for some time and I know plenty might see it as the only fun part of the holiday. Because like me, there are many people who spend Valentine’s Day single and sometimes going to the store seeing the hearts, candy, stuffed toys, and what not can really get to you. Of course, when people think of valentine cards, they think cutesy heart cards like this one above depicting a couple in love. Yet, if I devoted a post to all the lovey dovey valentines, you’d probably throw up. So instead, I decided to go with vintage valentines that you wouldn’t believe actually existed. I mean people sent these to each other. So I give you yet another installment of unruly vintage valentines for you to love in an unintentionally hilarious way.

  1. If you receive a valentine like this, then your sweetheart must work for the Pentagon.
Okay, I don't think weapons inspired valentines are a good idea. And phallic imagery is the least of my worries here.

Okay, I don’t think weapons inspired valentines are a good idea. And phallic imagery is the least of my worries here.

2. For your Semper Fi sweetheart, this Marine valentine is a real marine.

And here he's preparing to shoot off his gun. Doesn't help that the sentiment includes "aim to make you mine." Mine what? Shooting target?

And here he’s preparing to shoot off his gun. Doesn’t help that the sentiment includes “aim to make you mine.” Mine what? Shooting target?

3. Guess it seems time for a commercial on this one.

Hey, I'm all for grand expressions of love and all. But a televised valentine is just going way too far. Seriously, you need help.

Hey, I’m all for grand expressions of love and all. But a televised valentine is just going way too far. Seriously, you need help.

4. Nothing says romance on Valentine’s Day like allusions to shellfish.

It's also a marriage proposal card, too, which is even more disturbing. I mean unless it's on a plate, do lobsters ever scream romance? No.

It’s also a marriage proposal card, too, which is even more disturbing. I mean unless it’s on a plate, do lobsters ever scream romance? No.

5. Speaking of sea life, check out this crazed fish hungry for a valentine.

I know this is supposed to be a fish but the fact it has a snout full of teeth kind of baffles me. Not to mention, it's wearing some sort of skimpy diving outfit.

I know this is supposed to be a fish but the fact it has a snout full of teeth kind of baffles me. Not to mention, it’s wearing some sort of skimpy diving outfit.

6. Nothing will make you feel valued like a valentine featuring a calf.

Uh, I don't think you'd want to use the word "veal" when pertaining to a calf. Also, it seems to stomp on the valentine.

Uh, I don’t think you’d want to use the word “veal” when pertaining to a calf. Also, it seems to stomp on the valentine.

7. “Okay, no tricky moves from you! This is a hold up, see?”

I guess the sex costume here is Wild West prostitute who's armed and dangerous. Then again, I think a guy might want to stay away from her.

I guess the sex costume here is Wild West prostitute who’s armed and dangerous. Then again, I think a guy might want to stay away from her.

8. “I’m prepared to meet your best defense, Valentine, so you’d better be mine!”

Okay, I think this boy might as well give up. No need for the wooden swords and pots and pans. If she doesn't want him, she doesn't want him. He can't force himself on her.

Okay, I think this boy might as well give up. No need for the wooden swords and pots and pans. If she doesn’t want him, she doesn’t want him. He can’t force himself on her.

9. This Native American prefers to have a heart roasted.

Okay, this is kind of offensive to Native Americans. If the heart roasting doesn't raise eyebrows, the speech should.

Okay, this is kind of offensive to Native Americans. If the heart roasting doesn’t raise eyebrows, the speech should.

10. “Gosh, Valentine, don’t you just like me a ‘weenie bit?'”

Of course, this can also be interpreted as, "I'm so desperate for a girlfriend that I'll settle for anything at this point." Also, don't tell me 'weenie bit' means what I think it does.

Of course, this can also be interpreted as, “I’m so desperate for a girlfriend that I’ll settle for anything at this point.” Also, don’t tell me ‘weenie bit’ means what I think it does.

11. “Hose your valentine? Me!”

From Buzzfeed: "I believe there is now an Adult film with this title." Yeah, he seems to be squeezing the nozzle a little too hard.

From Buzzfeed: “I believe there is now an Adult film with this title.” Yeah, he seems to be squeezing the nozzle a little too hard.

12. “Can’t measure my love!”

But if you can't measure one's love, what can you measure? Oh, wait, I think I see what might be going on here.

But if you can’t measure one’s love, what can you measure? Oh, wait, I think I see what might be going on here.

13. Happy Valentine’s Day, now enjoy this picture of a creepy clown dog on the violin.

This dog fiddler is the stuff of nightmares. It's not cute, especially since it has crossed eyes. Look away, I beg of you.

This dog fiddler is the stuff of nightmares. It’s not cute, especially since it has crossed eyes. Look away, I beg of you.

14. Speaking of clowns, hope this one doesn’t play a joke.

Okay, this clown makes the Joker seem like the guy you'd want to bring to a kid's birthday party. Even more disturbing is how he has his hand sticking out of the heart. Creepy.

Okay, this clown makes the Joker seem like the guy you’d want to bring to a kid’s birthday party. Even more disturbing is how he has his hand sticking out of the heart. Creepy.

15. Celebrate Valentine’s Day with love in a sausage.

However, judging by the sausage, this guy may not be looking for love. Yeah, I'm not fooled by the sausage bit.

However, judging by the sausage, this guy may not be looking for love. Yeah, I’m not fooled by the sausage bit.

16. “A valentine for you, I can’t help ‘mooning over you!'”

But explain to me how that rocket seems conveniently located between this girl's legs. Oh, and she's holding a rocket in her hand. I think I know why she might be mooning.

But explain to me how that rocket seems conveniently located between this girl’s legs. Oh, and she’s holding a rocket in her hand. I think I know why she might be mooning.

17. “I don’t want you to be my brother, I want you to be my valentine!”

Okay, that message is a little creepy and I saw Luke kissing Leia in The Empire Strikes Back. However, that woman's face makes me even more uncomfortable because the skin tones certain'y don't match.

Okay, that message is a little creepy and I saw Luke kissing Leia in The Empire Strikes Back. However, that woman’s face makes me even more uncomfortable because the skin tones certain’y don’t match.

18. “Come down ‘off your perch’ and be my valentine, you’d be a ‘birdie.'”

The fact she says this in a bird cage really makes me cringe. I guess she really wants a guy to get her out of there.

The fact she says this in a bird cage really makes me cringe. I guess she really wants a guy to get her out of there.

19. “Do you ‘tank’ you could love me?”

Not if you aim an actual tank at me asking that question. Seriously, military weapons have no place in valentines at all.

Not if you aim an actual tank at me asking that question. Seriously, military weapons have no place in valentines at all.

20. “I’m gonna plow right in and ask you to be my valentine.”

Okay, I really don't have a great feeling about this. But at least it's not being particularly forceful as far as I'm concerned.

Okay, I really don’t have a great feeling about this. But at least it’s not being particularly forceful as far as I’m concerned.

21. “I’ll camp and tramp until I find a girl like you for my valentine!”

So I guess this guy says, "So you better settle down with me or else, I'm going to spend my days as a homeless guy." Also helps if the girl's loaded with cash.

So I guess this guy says, “So you better settle down with me or else, I’m going to spend my days as a homeless guy.” Also helps if the girl’s loaded with cash.

22. Lovers, always beware of Cupid.

Is Cupid supposed to be the African tribesman that's depicted in highly racist caricature? Got it.

Is Cupid supposed to be the African tribesman that’s depicted in highly racist caricature? Got it.

23. “To be ‘frank,’ you’re ‘hot stuff!'”

Sure she may look innocent with her hotdog and fire tongs. But there's fire down below and she's holding the hotdog a little too tight.

Sure she may look innocent with her hotdog and fire tongs. But there’s fire down below and she’s holding the hotdog a little too tight.

24. This archer aims for your heart.

But whether he means to love you or kill you, I can't actually decide. But he seems to have his bow and arrows out either way.

But whether he means to love you or kill you, I can’t actually decide. But he seems to have his bow and arrows out either way.

25. “Want a little ‘harem scarem,’ for your valentine?”

Uh, girl, do you know what a harem is? If you do, are implying that you want group sex or an open relationship? Or do you just want to wear a skimpy costume?

Uh, girl, do you know what a harem is? If you do, are implying that you want group sex or an open relationship? Or do you just want to wear a skimpy costume?

26. “I’ve got my eyes on you, dear valentine!”

However, a girl with a heart head is the stuff of nightmares. No, that's not cute. That's terrifying for a V-Day horror movie.

However, a girl with a heart head is the stuff of nightmares. No, that’s not cute. That’s terrifying for a V-Day horror movie.

27. “I love being ;pushed around,’ valentine! I’m yours!”

You mean pushed around sucking real loud? Because that's what vacuums do. Oh, wait, that's kind of dirty.

You mean pushed around sucking real loud? Because that’s what vacuums do. Oh, wait, that’s kind of dirty.

28. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like being aimed at with a machine gun.

Sure that's a military themed valentine. But still, having a machine gun in one is just fucked up. Seriously, why?

Sure that’s a military themed valentine. But still, having a machine gun in one is just fucked up. Seriously, why?

29. Speaking of military weapons, get a load of this cannon.

Seems like he's a bit happier than expected. Hope the large gun isn't a metaphor for an erection.

Seems like he’s a bit happier than expected. Hope the large gun isn’t a metaphor for an erection.

30. As we all know, a nudist is bad at hiding who she fancies.

I know what you're thinking. How can they have a naked girl on a valentine like this? I'm still asking that question. Yes, she needs to get some clothes on.

I know what you’re thinking. How can they have a naked girl on a valentine like this? I’m still asking that question. Yes, she needs to get some clothes on.

31. “My heart pants for you!”

And it's hung with a bunch of women's undies on the clothes line. I can guess the hidden meaning behind that one.

And it’s hung with a bunch of women’s undies on the clothes line. I can guess the hidden meaning behind that one.

32. “You will get a big piece if you will be my valentine!”

Sorry, but a dog butcher doesn't make this valentine any less disturbing. This is especially when it has a heart on table and cleaver in paw.

Sorry, but a dog butcher doesn’t make this valentine any less disturbing. This is especially when it has a heart on table and cleaver in paw.

33. “Light of my life, do I satisfy?”

Now that can be read in any number of ways. One of them being sexually which might be what this tom cat is implying.

Now that can be read in any number of ways. One of them being sexually which might be what this tom cat is implying.

34. This Valentine’s Day, you should always have 2 on a seesaw.

Up, down, just decide and don't lead on. Of course, there are those who tend to play games with people's hearts on the playground.

Up, down, just decide and don’t lead on. Of course, there are those who tend to play games with people’s hearts on the playground.

35. Hand over your heart, or else.

Because nothing says Valentine's Day like the threat of lethal violence. How romantic!

Because nothing says Valentine’s Day like the threat of lethal violence. How romantic!

36. “I will have an axe to grind unless you’ll be my valentine!”

So I guess this means, "If you say no, I shall have to chop you to pieces." Sorry, but I'll take that risk.

So I guess this means, “If you say no, I shall have to chop you to pieces.” Sorry, but I’ll take that risk.

37. Any boy would wish to have a space themed valentine.

Kind of reminds me of Slim Pickens riding on a missile in Dr. Strangelove. Then again, it might imply something dirtier.

Kind of reminds me of Slim Pickens riding on a missile in Dr. Strangelove. Then again, it might imply something dirtier.

38. “You’re my valentine, sure as shooting.”

And he has his gun aimed like a true buckaroo. Yes, I find these gun valentines quite disturbing as always.

And he has his gun aimed like a true buckaroo. Yes, I find these gun valentines quite disturbing as always.

39. Looks like some fox’s got caught in a trap.

And he needs his valentine to open it to let his tail out. Or else he'd die. But in the meantime, he'll just sit and smell the flowers. No need to hurry.

And he needs his valentine to open it to let his tail out. Or else he’d die. But in the meantime, he’ll just sit and smell the flowers. No need to hurry.

40. Happy Valentine’s Day from the girl who’s trying to lose weight for you.

By the way, that's an old weight loss contraption called a fan belt. And no, it doesn't work. Still, ladies, if you try to lose weight, don't do it for a man.

By the way, that’s an old weight loss contraption called a fan belt. And no, it doesn’t work. Still, ladies, if you try to lose weight, don’t do it for a man.

41. Even sharks need some loving some time.

However, this green suited guy is a card shark. So I don't think he's the best kind of boyfriend. Because he might have a gambling problem. Or eat you alive.

However, this green suited guy is a card shark. So I don’t think he’s the best kind of boyfriend. Because he might have a gambling problem. Or eat you alive.

42. “Slicing baloney is not my line. I love you, my valentine.”

Okay, I might want to stay away from this creepy butcher. Really don't need that in my life.

Okay, I might want to stay away from this creepy butcher. Really don’t need that in my life.

43. If you want to show your appreciation to your teacher, this is the valentine for you.

On the other hand, teacher-student relationships should never be encouraged in any circumstances whatsoever. Doesn't help the kid is dressed in a sailor suit and holding a ruler.

On the other hand, teacher-student relationships should never be encouraged in any circumstances whatsoever. Doesn’t help the kid is dressed in a sailor suit and holding a ruler.

44. “I’m ready to show plenty of action, valentine, if you consent to be mine.”

Well, at least this boy is better about consent then the guys in some of these cards. But the projection is still kind of dirty.

Well, at least this boy is better about consent then the guys in some of these cards. But the projection is still kind of dirty.

45. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like being just out of the shower.

It's valentines like these that make me suspect that these vintage cards were made for adults. This especially goes for the ones with people naked like this.

It’s valentines like these that make me suspect that these vintage cards were made for adults. This especially goes for the ones with people naked like this.

46. “Let’s have a real blow out today!”

Or is it supposed to be blowjob? Because that's how I take it away from this picture.

Or is it supposed to be blowjob? Because that’s how I take it away from this picture.

47. Here’s a card that says, “Be my valentine, I’ll do anything like the housework.”

Well, this boy may not have much going for him. But he'll probably succeed in picking up chicks though he may not like doing chores.

Well, this boy may not have much going for him. But he’ll probably succeed in picking up chicks though he may not like doing chores. Still, he’s kind of creepy.

48. “Pick out a heart but be sure it’s mine, valentine!”

Hmmm...not sure if that's going to work since the two really don't see eye to eye. This particularly the case when one has a freakishly long neck like an ostrich or a giraffe.

Hmmm…not sure if that’s going to work since the two really don’t see eye to eye. This particularly the case when one has a freakishly long neck like an ostrich or a giraffe.

49. “Don’t be afraid, you’re going to be my valentine!”

Uh, girl, you have every right to be afraid right now. Because you're being pursued by a monstrous shadow with a card. Yeah, run for your life now.

Uh, girl, you have every right to be afraid right now. Because you’re being pursued by a monstrous shadow with a card. Yeah, run for your life now.

50. If you won’t be mind, then I’ll fade away until I’m all bones, you bonehead.

I'm sure this would be perfect if your sweetheart's a goth. Still, such sentiments from someone might mean they really need a therapist.

I’m sure this would be perfect if your sweetheart’s a goth. Still, such sentiments from someone might mean they really need a therapist.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Third Edition)

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As I demonstrated before in my last 2 vintage Christmas card posts, people tend to gravitate toward these cards during the holidays for their cozy artwork and cutesy imagery. Yet, as I’ve also showed before, not all vintage Christmas cards are as lovely as this one above or the ones you remember. I like this image since it has a lovely candle inside a lantern along with holly berries and leaves as well as a red bow. Sure it’s kind of an image you’d expect from a Christmas card. But if I devote an entire post to the lovely vintage Christmas cards many of you may go for, then I won’t have anyone to view it. So instead again, I’ll stick to the ones that many of my older viewers would rather forget. You know ones that might make you scratch your head since they don’t make much sense. Or ones you probably didn’t know even existed. So for your reading holiday pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage Christmas cards from yesterday.

  1. “I hope your Christmas stocking will be full from top to toe.”
"So what can be in here? Switchblades? Handguns? Traps? This is going to be the best most dangerous game ever."

“So what can be in here? Switchblades? Handguns? Traps? This is going to be the best most dangerous game ever.”

2. Merry Christmas to the children who go to great lengths to see Santa.

"Kid, you're supposed to send me a letter to the North Pole of what you want for Christmas. Not go to deliver it personally in my workshop. Also, you'll probably freeze to death in that outfit."

“Kid, you’re supposed to send me a letter to the North Pole of what you want for Christmas. Not go to deliver it personally in my workshop. Also, you’ll probably freeze to death in that outfit.”

3. Frosty the Snowman would like to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Okay, that has to be one of the creepiest snowmen I've seen. Also, why does he have shamrocks? That's for the wrong holiday.

Okay, that has to be one of the creepiest snowmen I’ve seen. Also, why does he have shamrocks? That’s for the wrong holiday.

4. You never know what you’ll find in Santa’s sack or under his cloak.

So he has a bunch of child angels under his cloak. So what happened to these kids? Did they die? Did Santa kidnap them?

So he has a bunch of child angels under his cloak. So what happened to these kids? Did they die? Did Santa kidnap them?

5. During the Christmas season, you’ll often find Santa answering letters in his workshop.

"Little Jimmy wants a new iPad? That's like the 1,000th one this week. This answering letters is a pain in my ass."

“Little Jimmy wants a new iPad? That’s like the 1,000th one this week. This answering letters is a pain in my ass.”

6. Bad kids this Christmas should beware of the Krampus who gives them a good beating and abduction they deserve.

However, this card doesn't help that Krampus smacks the smallest kid while the other children seem straight from your nightmares. Wish he went after the girl in the yellow dress. She's creepy.

However, this card doesn’t help that Krampus smacks the smallest kid while the other children seem straight from your nightmares. Wish he went after the girl in the yellow dress. She’s creepy.

7. Of course, Santa can always enjoy a good time now and then.

But dancing with a woman who's not Mrs. Claus? That'll probably put him in the North Pole doghouse for awhile. Bad Santa.

But dancing with a woman who’s not Mrs. Claus? That’ll probably put him in the North Pole doghouse for awhile. Bad Santa.

8. May your Christmas with friends and family make you as chummy as these clams.

To be fair, this is a British card. However, why they have standing clams looking at a ship is the question. Yeah, probably inspired by a Victorian drug trip.

To be fair, this is a British card. However, why they have standing clams looking at a ship is the question. Yeah, probably inspired by a Victorian drug trip.

9. Merry Christmas from Santa on his magic carpet ride.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. Here we have Santa on a magic carpet with a jet plane in the background. Aladdin and Jasmine were in a similar situation on SNL.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Here we have Santa on a magic carpet with a jet plane in the background. Aladdin and Jasmine were in a similar situation on SNL.

10. This Christmas please make sure you mind what you’re cooking for dinner.

Because you'll never know what kind of brown ball thing would jump at you. Yes, that goose really didn't know what was coming to her.

Because you’ll never know what kind of brown ball thing would jump at you. Yes, that goose really didn’t know what was coming to her.

11. Christmas dinner monster wishes you a merry Christmas.

Talk about your food coming to life and haunting your dreams. Really don't want to know what that thing is.

Talk about your food coming to life and haunting your dreams. Really don’t want to know what that thing is.

12. “Don’t you remember when you felt like this on Christmas morning?”

What do you mean? Getting the shakes? Because this boy seems like he's possessed by some demon or something. I mean something's not right with him.

What do you mean? Getting the shakes? Because this boy seems like he’s possessed by some demon or something. I mean something’s not right with him.

13. Somewhere in town Santa stops to take a smoking break.

And these boys just have to pop up to steal some of his stash behind his back. Nice, kids. what a great way to get yourselves on the naughty list.

And these boys just have to pop up to steal some of his stash behind his back. Nice, kids. what a great way to get yourselves on the naughty list.

14. Merry Christmas now enjoy this picture of a child performing a circus act with a dog riding a pig.

I really have no idea what the hell this has to do with Christmas. Yet, let's hope the dog and pig don't get whipped by the kid.

I really have no idea what the hell this has to do with Christmas. Yet, let’s hope the dog and pig don’t get whipped by the kid.

15. You never know what goes on in your Christmas tree.

After all, a red Christmas candle could be making out with a sugar plum for all I know. Still, don't know why they thought this was a good idea.

After all, a red Christmas candle could be making out with a sugar plum for all I know. But the sugar plum will have to watch out if he doesn’t want to get burned. Still, don’t know why they thought this was a good idea.

16. On Christmas, holly always goes well with mistletoe.

And it looks like these children are about to kiss each other in a romantic embrace which isn't age appropriate in the least. Seriously, if they wanted to do a card of holly and mistletoe making out why use kids? Couldn't they just use 2 adults instead?

And it looks like these children are about to kiss each other in a romantic embrace which isn’t age appropriate in the least. Seriously, if they wanted to do a card of holly and mistletoe making out why use kids? Couldn’t they just use 2 adults instead? That’s not right.

17. Of course, there’s always that one kid who’s cared of Santa Claus.

This is especially the case when Santa tends to resemble an old red suited dwarf from the Hobbit who's no bigger than the kid. Yeah, I can see why that kid would freak out.

This is especially the case when Santa tends to resemble an old red suited dwarf from the Hobbit who’s no bigger than the kid. Yeah, I can see why that kid would freak out.

18. Children are always excited to see what Santa left for them under the tree.

But Santa better watch out for these children, especially the younger one. Because if he didn't bring them what they wanted, that dark hair kid is sure to commit bloody murder on him.

But Santa better watch out for these children, especially the younger one. Because if he didn’t bring them what they wanted, that dark hair kid is sure to commit bloody murder on him.

19. Pothead wishes you compliments of the season.

Yes, this gives a whole new meaning to the term, "pothead." And I'm sure he'll pour boiling water on you if you piss him off. Still, wouldn't be surprised if this card was designed by potheads though it was made before the 1960s.

Yes, this gives a whole new meaning to the term, “pothead.” And I’m sure he’ll pour boiling water on you if you piss him off. Still, wouldn’t be surprised if this card was designed by potheads though it was made before the 1960s.

20. Hope you have all the luck this Christmas.

Once again, we have offensive black stereotypes at the forefront. No, I don't think a black maid and her daughter will have much luck. Still, racism was prevalent in this time and it shows.

Once again, we have offensive black stereotypes at the forefront. No, I don’t think a black maid and her daughter will have much luck. Still, racism was prevalent in this time and it shows.

21. Remember, kids, be good this Christmas or the Krampus will get you.

Even St. Nick is like, "Jesus, Krampus, you're supposed to kidnap spoiled brats! Those are fucking babies! Not cool."

Even St. Nick is like, “Jesus, Krampus, you’re supposed to kidnap spoiled brats! Those are fucking babies! Not cool.”

22. Like Santa, Krampus even has his own little helpers to assist him.

Though Krampus tends to kidnap and punish naughty children on Christmas, he likes to involve his kids in the trade. For a scary guy like him, you at least have to respect that.

Though Krampus tends to kidnap and punish naughty children on Christmas, he likes to involve his kids in the trade. For a scary guy like him, you at least have to respect that.

23. How about Krampus join you riding on your rocking horse?

Okay, I can understand why this kid can be scared since Krampus has chains. But somehow I find it hard to take seriously.

Okay, I can understand why this kid can be scared since Krampus has chains. But somehow I find it hard to take seriously.

24. As we all know, once Santa makes a stop, it’s down the chimney he goes.

I don't know about Santa's face in this one. For some reason, he doesn't seem like his jolly old self here.

I don’t know about Santa’s face in this one. For some reason, he doesn’t seem like his jolly old self here. Guess the work must really get to him.

25. Instead of Santa Claus giving presents from his sack in his sleigh, how about an angel shooting present from a tank?

After shooting presents from a tank is much more efficient. Still, this just strange to me.

After shooting presents from a tank is much more efficient. Still, this just strange to me.

26. Christmas time is always one of merriment and good cheer.

However, if you belong to a group of street musicians, you might want to watch out for old ladies dumping water on you. Hate to be the drummer here.

However, if you belong to a group of street musicians, you might want to watch out for old ladies dumping water on you. Hate to be the drummer here.

27. “As the master of Christmas ceremonies, I declare we have ribs as the main course.”

Yes, I know what you're thinking. See the king dub the ribs while the poultry and pigs are watching in clothes. Don't ask me to make sense of it.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. See the king dub the ribs while the poultry and pigs are watching in clothes. Don’t ask me to make sense of it.

28. This Christmas, perhaps take your time to see the frog parade.

You tend to see frogs a lot in Victorian Christmas cards for some strange reason. And this consists of a frog procession. Don't ask me why.

You tend to see frogs a lot in Victorian Christmas cards for some strange reason. And this consists of a frog procession. Don’t ask me why.

29. Speaking of frogs, these stretching ones wish a merry Christmas to you.

Once again, I can't explain this. Nor do I understand why they have their legs in the air. Perhaps this is a frog aerobic session for all I know.

Once again, I can’t explain this. Nor do I understand why they have their legs in the air. Perhaps this is a frog aerobic session for all I know. Or did they just fall on the ice?

30. Celebrate this Christmas like a group of drunk birds this time of year.

Even the cat is like, "Man, this is fucked up." Two of them are even passed out on their backs. Guess they must really party hard.

Even the cat is like, “Man, this is fucked up.” Two of them are even passed out on their backs. Guess they must really party hard.

31. “Do you want to build a snowman?”

Of course, in Victorian times, building a snowman with your friends was one way you could freak out the neighbors. Olaf from Frozen it ain't.

Of course, in Victorian times, building a snowman with your friends was one way you could freak out the neighbors. Olaf from Frozen it ain’t.

32. Aside from making toys and answering letters, sometimes Santa takes to the spinning wheel.

For some reason, not only is Santa skinny, but he also doesn't seem to be jolly. Guess he's pissed that he had to go on a diet and now takes spinning every time he things about food other than meal times.

For some reason, not only is Santa skinny, but he also doesn’t seem to be jolly. Guess he’s pissed that he had to go on a diet and now takes spinning every time he things about food other than meal times.

33. “Susie, I have for you a new doll just what you always wanted.”

Uh, Susie, are you sure that's Santa and not some creep with a windowless carriage? Because I have my doubts.

Uh, Susie, are you sure that’s Santa and not some creep with a windowless carriage? Because I have my doubts.

34. “Well! This looks good.”

Santa seems to have his eye on the sleeping girl here. Yeah, that looks very creepy if you ask me.

Santa seems to have his eye on the sleeping girl here. Yeah, that looks very creepy if you ask me.

35. Nothing says Christmas like a couple of chickens sled riding.

Even crazier is that they have human hands. Don't ask me why they thought it was a good idea. It was probably inspired by a Victorian acid trip.

Even crazier is that they have human hands. Don’t ask me why they thought it was a good idea. It was probably inspired by a Victorian acid trip.

36. Remember, kids, don’t interrupt Frosty the Snowman when he’s sleeping in.

Or else, you'll probably end up like these kids if you disturb him. Yes, you wouldn't want to be around Frosty when he's angry.

Or else, you’ll probably end up like these kids if you disturb him. Yes, you wouldn’t want to be around Frosty when he’s angry.

37. “May Christmas time be full of pleasure/And Santa bring you many a treasure.”

From Bytes: "An extraordinarily gifted child with the brush. Is it me or does the ladder seem to not be leaning against the wall at the right angle when compared to the writing?" He better watch it if he doesn't want to break his neck.

From Bytes: “An extraordinarily gifted child with the brush. Is it me or does the ladder seem to not be leaning against the wall at the right angle when compared to the writing?” He better watch it if he doesn’t want to break his neck.

38. “Wishing you a right merry Christmas!”

Don't worry, kids, the creepy clown is too busy eating to kill you at the moment. Still, don't go near him since he's holding a knife.

Don’t worry, kids, the creepy clown is too busy eating to kill you at the moment. Still, don’t go near him since he’s holding a knife.

39. Some children buy Christmas cards, some make their own.

"I'll send this one to my cousin Lucy and inside I'll write that I hope she comes to a terrible and painful end. That'll show her not to steal my stamp collection."

“I’ll send this one to my cousin Lucy and inside I’ll write that I hope she comes to a terrible and painful end. That’ll show her not to steal my stamp collection.”

40. These birds wish you a joyful yuletide.

Yet, as to why they're flying in a holly wreath, I have absolutely no idea. I mean.birds fly while holly leaves have thorns on them.

Yet, as to why they’re flying in a holly wreath, I have absolutely no idea. I mean.birds fly while holly leaves have thorns on them.

41. On Christmas, treat yourself to dinner and a show.

Well, I've heard the expression "dinner and a show" but this is utterly ridiculous. This is especially since they each have their heads on a plate.

Well, I’ve heard the expression “dinner and a show” but this is utterly ridiculous. This is especially since they each have their heads on a plate.

42. Looks like Santa decided to drop in this time of night on Christmas Eve.

However, looking at the window, I have a reasonable suspicion he showed up early because he thinks the mom is hot. Sure he may be naughty here, but it's possible these kids will receive wonderful Christmas presents.

However, looking at the window, I have a reasonable suspicion he showed up early because he thinks the mom is hot. Sure he may be naughty here, but it’s possible these kids will receive wonderful Christmas presents.

43. A merry Christmas to the woman who snagged Frosty the Snowman’s head.

Okay, this is messed up on so many levels. The snowman has no body yet, he's smiling. What the hell?

Okay, this is messed up on so many levels. The snowman has no body yet, he’s smiling. What the hell?

44. Merry Christmas and hope you can hunt foxes from that toy horse.

I know that fox hunts are customary in England. But toy horse hunts? What?

I know that fox hunts are customary in England. But toy horse hunts? What?

45. On Christmas Eve, you can expect Santa to to give you presents from his large sack of toys.

However, this Santa has a very sinister grin on his face that might suggest he plans to do something terrible once he's down the chimney. I don't know what but I have a bad feeling about this.

However, this Santa has a very sinister grin on his face that might suggest he plans to do something terrible once he’s down the chimney. I don’t know what but I have a bad feeling about this.

46. Merry Christmas and please accept your presents dropped from the plane.

These kids receive gifts and baskets from the plane like they're expecting relief packaging. And there's no Santa in sight.

These kids receive gifts and baskets from the plane like they’re expecting relief packaging. And there’s no Santa in sight.

47. A merry Christmas from the snowman trying to keep dry.

Because it seems like he's not enjoying the yuletide season for good reason. Guess he'll become snow slush any time now.

Because it seems like he’s not enjoying the yuletide season for good reason. Guess he’ll become snow slush any time now.

48. The yam man would like to extend his Christmas greetings.

Okay, he has the head of a man. Yet, his body is all roots. Please don't ask me. I have no idea why they thought it would make a good Christmas card.

Okay, he has the head of a man. Yet, his body is all roots. Please don’t ask me. I have no idea why they thought it would make a good Christmas card.

49. For Christmas, anyone is lucky to see 2 angles on a motorcycle.

Not sure if angel robes would make great to ride a motorcycle like that. Also, don't they have wings to use for flying? Doesn't make sense.

Not sure if angel robes would make great to ride a motorcycle like that. Also, don’t they have wings to use for flying? Doesn’t make sense.

50.  These cats are outside this Christmas waiting to greet you.

Because nothing says Christmas like seeing cats in tall hats armed with clubs. Don't like how this is going down.

Because nothing says Christmas like seeing cats in tall hats armed with clubs. Guess “greet” means “bet senseless to the ground.” Don’t like how this will going down.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Third Edition)

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During the summer time, while the rest of us are having fun in the sun and possibly going on vacation if they’re lucky, many of your favorite celebrity music performers are busy recording their Christmas albums. So by this time, they’d be ready for sale this holiday season so you and your loved ones can enjoy some holiday favorites. Of course, Christmas albums have been all the rage for a very long time. I ought to know since I already completed two posts of some of the bad covers. And I decided to do another since the depth of bad Christmas album covers is endless. Sure you might find them horrifying beyond description like a trainwreck or this year’s election (which saw an unrespectable man ascend to the presidency and over 60 million people were conned into voting for him). Yet, you might some unintentionally funny. And if you’re over a certain age, you might find some Christmas album covers on here that you’d rather forget. So for your holiday reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of horrendous Christmas albums from yesterday.

  1. Dr. Duke Tumatoe: It’s Christmas
Yet, there's a blurb that says, "(Let's have sex)." As if I think a guy like that in a Santa suit is sexy. Not.

Yet, there’s a blurb that says, “(Let’s have sex).” As if I think a guy like that in a Santa suit is sexy. Actually, it’s kind of creepy.

An album featuring a dancing Santa is always a delight to look at.

2. Bob Dylan: Sings Holiday Favorites

Yeah, that Santa hat is totally photoshopped. Also, Dylan, if you should release a Christmas album the next time, let it be one where you write the songs.

Yeah, that Santa hat is totally photoshopped. Also, Dylan, if you should release a Christmas album the next time, let it be one where you write the songs.

If you like Christmas music and crave the nasal voices of folk rock, this album is for you.

3. Garth Brooks: Garth Brooks & the Magic of Christmas

So I guess that Garth Brooks moonlights as a fortune teller. Or some sort of dark seer bandit from the Old West.

So I guess that Garth Brooks moonlights as a fortune teller. Or some sort of dark seer bandit from the Old West.

If you’re into Christmas, country, and the occult supernatural, Garth Brooks got you covered.

4. Raymond Lefevre and His Orchestra: Merry Christmas

That stack of presents doesn't look steady and seems about ready to fall. But the woman in here doesn't seem upset about it at all. She just keeps smiling.

That stack of presents doesn’t look steady and seems about ready to fall. But the woman in here doesn’t seem upset about it at all. She just keeps smiling.

This album cover shows you can never carry enough presents in your hands.

5. 38 Special: A Wild-Eyed Christmas

Okay, eyeball ornaments are utterly creepy and not suited for Christmas at all. So why did they think this album cover was a good idea?

Okay, eyeball ornaments are utterly creepy and not suited for Christmas at all. So why did they think this album cover was a good idea?

During the yuletide season, even the ornaments have their eyes on you.

6. Kenny Chesney: All I Want For Christmas Is a Real Assed Tan

I heard that Kenny Chesney used a similar photo shot for his audition for Magic Mike but was rejected. So he decided to go for a variation for his Christmas album.

I heard that Kenny Chesney used a similar photo shot for his audition for Magic Mike but was rejected. So he decided to go for a variation for his Christmas album. Still, spending time on the beach isn’t Christmas to me.

Because nothing says a country Christmas like wintering in Boca Raton.

7. John Waters: A John Waters Christmas

To be fair, he's more of a dark comic writer. Yet, if there's a fire in your house, you just have to do something about it. Like get a fire extinguisher and call 911.

To be fair, he’s more of a dark comic writer. Yet, if there’s a fire in your house, you just have to do something about it. Like get a fire extinguisher and call 911.

For John Waters not even a fire among the presents will keep him from enjoying the holiday season.

8. The Mistletoe Disco Band: Christmas Disco

Yes, Christmas disco albums do exist. But at least this album didn't feature Santa Claus in a red polyester suit. Because that would've been worse.

Yes, Christmas disco albums do exist. But at least this album didn’t feature Santa Claus in a red polyester suit. Because that would’ve been worse.

Now you can listen to your Christmas favorites to the sound that reminds you of the 1970s or Europeans.

9. Chabelo: Chabelo en Navidad

Sure he'll freeze his ass off in these clothes. But to add insult to injury, he's also wearing socks with sandals. You know committing one of the cardinal sins of fashion.

Sure he’ll freeze his ass off in these clothes during the winter. But to add insult to injury, he’s also wearing socks with sandals. You know committing one of the cardinal sins of fashion.

For there is no better winter attire than your golf course attire in May.

10. Les Chaussettes Noires

It's even funnier that they're dressed with red capes on their heads and robes. It's like they're dressed in a cross between Merlin and Santa Claus. Yes, it's kind of weird.

It’s even funnier that they’re dressed with red capes on their heads and robes. It’s like they’re dressed in a cross between Merlin and Santa Claus. Yes, it’s kind of weird.

Ever imagined a Santa rock band? Now you don’t need to.

11. Christmas Disco Party

Yeah, Santa, wait until Mrs. Claus finds out about you and that blonde. Boy, you're sleeping in the doghouse tonight.

Yeah, Santa, wait until Mrs. Claus finds out about you and that blonde. Boy, you’re sleeping in the doghouse tonight.

That moment when Santa comes to his senses that fooling around with a dancing swimsuit model might put him on the naughty list.

12. Midnight String Quartet: Christmas Rhapsodies for Young Lovers

Sure they may list traditional hits. But the vibes I get from this picture is "Baby It's Cold Outside."

Sure they may list traditional hits. But the vibes I get from this picture is “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” You know the one where the woman wants to go home while the guy wants her to stay and well, you get the idea.

Finally, a the kind of Christmas album that can get 20-somethings in the mood for romance.

13. Liberace: Twas the Night Before Christmas

So what did Liberace do to get a coat of so much fur? Shoot a polar bear? Seems reasonable enough.

So what did Liberace do to get a coat of so much fur? Shoot a polar bear? Seems reasonable enough.

Because it Can’t be Christmas without seeing Liberace in his long fur coat of glory.

14. Gayla Peevey: I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

You probably remember the song on this album. But at least the cover goes to great lengths why any child shouldn't want a hippopotamus for Christmas. I mean hippos kill more people in Africa than lions.

You probably remember the song on this album. But at least the cover goes to great lengths why any child shouldn’t want a hippopotamus for Christmas. I mean hippos kill more people in Africa than lions.

For nothing makes a girl jump for joy on Christmas than a scarily dressed hippo that could eat her alive.

15. Sufjan Stevens: Sufjan Stevens Presents Astral Interplanetary Space Captain Christmas Infinity Voyage

Too bad the space captain will probably suffocate in there and die. Since a turban won't protect him in the vacuum of space. Also, that's not Sufjan Stevens.

Too bad the space captain will probably suffocate in there and die. Since a turban won’t protect him in the vacuum of space. Also, that’s not Sufjan Stevens.

Sufjan Stevens would like to wish you all Merry Christmas from space.

16. Lawrence Welk: Christmas Memories

My dad used to dread watching Lawrence Welk when he was a kid. Looking at this album cover, I can totally understand why. He seems like he could break into your house and kill you with an accordion any moment.

My dad used to dread watching Lawrence Welk when he was a kid. Looking at this album cover, I can totally understand why. He seems like he could break into your house and kill you with an accordion any moment.

Nothing says Christmas like bandleader being a massive creep in his Santa suit.

17. Merry Cajun Christmas Volume Two

Uh, doesn't Santa have a sleigh that he doesn't need to row among gators? Or creepy banjo players? Seriously, he has a flying reindeer pulled sleigh for God's sake!

Uh, doesn’t Santa have a sleigh that he doesn’t need to row among gators? Or creepy banjo players? Seriously, he has a flying reindeer pulled sleigh for God’s sake!

Santa Claus has to be a brave man to deliver presents to the boys and girls while dodging a river of hungry gators.

18. Eartha Kitt: Santa Baby

At least Eartha Kitt's pose sitting on Santa's lap doesn't shy away from what the song is about. Of course, Mrs. Claus wouldn't approve.

At least Eartha Kitt’s pose sitting on Santa’s lap doesn’t shy away from what the song is about. Of course, Mrs. Claus wouldn’t approve.

For some women just can’t help but think Santa Claus as the ultimate sugar daddy.

19. Afroman: Afroman’s Colt 45 Christmas: Original Uncut Version

This Christmas album cover is kind of depressing if you ask me. It could just as well be used for the soundtrack to The Wire.

This Christmas album cover is kind of depressing if you ask me. It seems like a more appropriate cover for the soundtrack to the Wire, than on anything to do with the holidays.

As we know Christmas can be a time of cold weather and cold malt liquor.

20. Cyndi Lauper: Merry Christmas….Have a Nice Life!

Guess she's thinking, "Oh, God, why did they make me do this? And how long do I have to sit next to this red suited creep?"

Guess she’s thinking, “Oh, God, why did they make me do this? And how long do I have to sit next to this red suited creep?”

For some reason, Cyndi Lauper always dreaded visiting Santa at the mall.

21. The Hiltonaires with the Tony Mansell Singers: Swingin’ in a Winter Wonderland

Don't ask me but Sant seems a bit pervy toward that girl in this one. And I'm not sure how old this girl is. Sure hope she's 18.

Don’t ask me but Sant seems a bit pervy toward that girl in this one. And I’m not sure how old this girl is. Sure hope she’s 18.

Santa Claus always enjoys dancing with skimpy clad women around the Christmas tree.

22. The Pac Man Christmas Story

So I guess this story consists of gorging through a maze without being seen by goblins. Because that's what the game is like.

So I guess this story consists of gorging through a maze without being seen by goblins. Because that’s what the game is like. Yet, this suggests otherwise.

Ever wish you had a Christmas album of an Atari video game. Look no further.

23. Student Nurses Sing the Season In

Hits include: "They Three Drunks of SantaCon Are," "Bedpans We Have Heard on High," "I'll Be On Call for Christmas," and "Away in a Gurney." You know stuff nurses have to deal with over the holidays.

Hits include: “They Three Drunks of SantaCon Are,” “Bedpans We Have Heard on High,” “I’ll Be On Call for Christmas,” and “Away in a Gurney.” You know stuff nurses have to deal with over the holidays.

For nothing brings bright holiday cheer than student nurses singing Christmas carols.

24. What Can You Get a Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?)

Yes, they did songs like these back in the day. They even had a Star Wars Christmas special. Still, this cover of Chewbacca is hilarious.

Yes, they did songs like these back in the day. They even had a Star Wars Christmas special. Still, this cover of Chewbacca is hilarious.

Uh, I can guess a set of hair brushes and combs suited for musk oxen. Or a vacuum to clean up after himself?

25. Henry Mancini, His Orchestra, and Chorus: A Merry Mancini Christmas

Still, it doesn't seem like the who crew really wants to participate. His daughter next to his wife seems like she's dragged into doing the stupid photoshoot and feels like the kids at school will make fun at her for it. On the bright side, I hope it has some Christmas songs in the Pink Panther or Peter Gunn theme. That would be awesome.

Still, it doesn’t seem like the who crew really wants to participate. His daughter next to his wife seems like she’s dragged into doing the stupid photoshoot and feels like the kids at school will make fun at her for it. On the bright side, I hope it has some Christmas songs in the Pink Panther or Peter Gunn theme. That would be awesome.

Of course, when you’re a famous composer it helps to put your family on the Christmas album cover.

26. Universal Robot Band: Disco Christmas

This whole album design seems like it was madeby someone on acid. Because nothing about it makes any logical sense.

This whole album design seems like it was madeby someone on acid. Because nothing about it makes any logical sense.

Listen to the songs that would make Santa and his reindeer boogie this holiday season in space.

27. Pepsi Feliz Navidad!

Okay, I know they're drinking pop. But did they really have to show kids drinking from wine glasses? Because it looks like a classic case of underage drinking.

Okay, I know they’re drinking pop, not red wine. But did they really have to show kids drinking from wine glasses? Because it looks like a classic case of underage drinking.

The holidays are always a time of year to give a toast to new beginnings.

28. Lawrence Welk: Merry Christmas from Lawrence Welk and His Champagne Music

Because if his nightmarish face didn't scare you, note his tree seems covered in cobwebs. And no, that sight doesn't make me merry.

Because if his nightmarish face didn’t scare you, note his tree seems covered in cobwebs. And no, that sight doesn’t make me merry.

Merry Christmas from the creepy bandleader your grandparents probably like and his nightmare before Christmas tree.

29. Le Vrai Pere Noel Chante

That kid in buckskin really doesn't look like an Indian. And I'm not sure about the kid in Asian dress either. Also, the Santa with these kids is guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

That kid in buckskin really doesn’t look like an Indian. And I’m not sure about the kid in Asian dress either. Also, the Santa with these kids is guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

Think of it as a Village People children’s Christmas album but more racist.

30. Leon Russell: Moonlight & Love Songs

To be fair, the late Leon Russell did perform at Woodstock and was renowned in his own right. But his Christmas album makes him seem like Santa who knows that you've been really bad this year. Not sure why the dog is here.

To be fair, the late Leon Russell did perform at Woodstock and was renowned in his own right. But his Christmas album makes him seem like Santa who knows that you’ve been really bad this year. Not sure why the dog is here.

There’s nothing like it on Christmas than posing for an album with the dog that best matches your beard in a black background.

31. Charles Bronson: Twas the Night Before Bronson

I find it hard to imagine a guy like Charles Bronson having a Christmas album unless it includes anything revenge oriented. Also, that Christmas hat doesn't help matters at all.

I find it hard to imagine a guy like Charles Bronson having a Christmas album unless it includes anything revenge oriented. Also, that Christmas hat doesn’t help matters at all.

Now you can hear action star Charles Bronson sing your holiday favorites.

32. Antonio Fargas: It’s Christmas

On Starsky and Hutch, Huggy Bear was a police informant who talked jive and was ethically ambiguous. He also dressed flashy and operated his own bar. You can guess where this is going....

On Starsky and Hutch, Huggy Bear was a police informant who talked jive and was ethically ambiguous. He also dressed flashy and operated his own bar. You can guess where this is going….

Fans of Starsky and Hutch will certainly like this Christmas album from Huggy Bear.

33. Michala Petri: Noel! Noel! Noel! Christmas with Michala Petri

It's said Ms. Petri has her choir boys to surround her in order to keep her warm as she plays her bassoon. Yeah, I know the snowy backdrop bit doesn't make sense.

It’s said Ms. Petri has her choir boys to surround her in order to keep her warm as she plays her bassoon. Yeah, I know the snowy backdrop bit doesn’t make sense.

Nothing says Christmas like a singer surrounded by choir boys in a snowy mountain backdrop.

34. Roger Whittaker: The Roger Whittaker Christmas Album

If it weren't for that fur coat, you'd think this man would just be some guy on the street who's secretly a serial killer. Then again, maybe I assume too much.

If it weren’t for that fur coat, you’d think this man would just be some guy on the street who’s secretly a serial killer. Then again, maybe I assume too much.

Or the kind of album you’d expect to be made by that freaky guy in accounting.

35. Tijuana Voices with Brass: Sing Merry Christmas

However, according to the album, they even suggest that Tijuana women are known for their distinctive mustaches. Don't say we didn't warn you.

However, according to the album, they even suggest that Tijuana women are known for their distinctive mustaches. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Christmas time is always a festive occasion in Tijuana, Mexico.

36. Exciting Christmas Stories

Batman looks as if he has rabies while Wondy and Superman don't seem concerned about it. Okay, he's wearing a Santa beard. But still, it's disturbing.

Batman looks as if he has rabies while Wondy and Superman don’t seem concerned about it. Okay, he’s wearing a Santa beard. But still, it’s disturbing.

Kids, share your Christmas by listening to tales about your favorite DC Comics superheroes.

37. Elton John: Elton John’s Christmas Party

Uh, Elton, I like your music and all. But I think we're all a bit freaked out about you having a record at your crotch. Just letting you know.

Uh, Elton, I like your music and all. But I think we’re all a bit freaked out about you having a record at your crotch. Just letting you know.

Celebrate Christmas with the music of the legendary Sir Elton John.

38. Liberace: Christmas Memories

Now I can understand why Liberace decides to dress in lavish furs at the piano. Yeah, too gangster.

Now I can understand why Liberace decides to dress in lavish furs at the piano. Yeah, too gangster.

Those who want to see Liberace dressed as Nucky Thompson need not look further.

39. Wham!: Last Christmas

From First Draft: "Poor Andrew Ridgely. Wasn’t it bad enough to be George Michael’s sidekick? They had to make the poor bastard a reindeer. I hope no Norwegian tried to eat him. That would not be Whamtastic."

From First Draft: “Poor Andrew Ridgely. Wasn’t it bad enough to be George Michael’s sidekick? They had to make the poor bastard a reindeer. I hope no Norwegian tried to eat him. That would not be Whamtastic.”

Fans of George Michael might enjoy listening to the earworm sappy Christmas song that’s annoying as hell. Seriously, I hate this song with a passion.

40. Garvis

From Turntabling: "I don’t even want to know what THIS bunch is on about. It looks like a prison lineup, but ESPECIALLY the guy on the far left. What the hell’s going on in THIS gent’s head? Images of sugarplums, no doubt, slicing up the neighborhood winos and barbecuing pets on a wood stove."

From Turntabling: “I don’t even want to know what THIS bunch is on about. It looks like a prison lineup, but ESPECIALLY the guy on the far left. What the hell’s going on in THIS gent’s head? Images of sugarplums, no doubt, slicing up the neighborhood winos and barbecuing pets on a wood stove.”

Because Christmas can’t get more into the Disco years than this.

41. Ruth Lyons: Ten Tunes of Christmas

Well, it's not quite a Charlie Brown Tree. Yet, even decorating it in tinsel and ornaments can't make it look festive. So sad. But I guess they had to make it work.

Well, it’s not quite a Charlie Brown Tree. Yet, even decorating it in tinsel and ornaments can’t make it look festive. So sad. But I guess they had to make it work.

That moment when you had to settle for the last tree at the Christmas tree farm and have to do a family Christmas card at the family owned hotel.

42. Homer and Jethro: Cool Crazy Christmas with Homer & Jethro

However, seeing them dressed up as kids in this is a very different story. Seriously, guys, you're creeping me out.

However, seeing them dressed up as kids in this is a very different story. Seriously, guys, you’re creeping me out.

Nothing says Christmas like seeing a couple of grown men playing with toys.

43. Thore Skogmans Julkivia: Klappa Pa

For all we know, he could just be luring this kid to put in a sack and do terrible things to him in his windowless van. But what do I know?

For all we know, he could just be luring this kid to put in a sack and do terrible things to him in his windowless van. But what do I know?

Remember, kids, just because a guy is in a Santa suit doesn’t mean he’s nice.

44. The Oak Ridge Boys: Christmas

From Flashbak: "Three of these guys belong in either a seedy bus station or a rustic log cabin – not a tacky eighties living room. Like matzo balls in clam chowder, they do not belong."

From Flashbak: “Three of these guys belong in either a seedy bus station or a rustic log cabin – not a tacky eighties living room. Like matzo balls in clam chowder, they do not belong.”

There’s nothing on Christmas like seeing a bunch of bearded guys enjoying themselves around the tree.

45. William Hung: Hung for the Holidays

From NME: "It doesn’t bode well for a Christmas album when its cover looks like a MS Paint rush job, with the artist’s face crudely dropped in. Also William, we get why you called your record ‘Hung For The Holidays’ but given suicide rates across Europe and America reach record highs around this time of year, is this really the best possible title? Really?"

From NME: “It doesn’t bode well for a Christmas album when its cover looks like a MS Paint rush job, with the artist’s face crudely dropped in. Also William, we get why you called your record ‘Hung For The Holidays’ but given suicide rates across Europe and America reach record highs around this time of year, is this really the best possible title? Really?”

For fans of the American Idol reject William Hung, I’m sure you’ll find his Christmas album a delight.

46. Raffi: Raffi’s Christmas Album

From Flashbak: "Imagine seeing this at your bedside when you wake up Christmas morn, (shudder)" Yes. this will certainly inspire nightmares.

From Flashbak: “Imagine seeing this at your bedside when you wake up Christmas morn, (shudder)” Yes. this will certainly inspire nightmares.

So that’s what Raffi actually looked like in real life. Not how I expected.

47. Dave Boyer: Joy & Happiness at Christmas

From Flashbak: "I don’t need to tell you that your wife with fake tan and your crummy living room shouldn’t be on the cover of your album; clearly, this wasn’t conveyed to Dave Boyer. For the curious, his daughter is holding “Reach Out” a hip version of the New Testament."

From Flashbak: “I don’t need to tell you that your wife with fake tan and your crummy living room shouldn’t be on the cover of your album; clearly, this wasn’t conveyed to Dave Boyer. For the curious, his daughter is holding “Reach Out” a hip version of the New Testament.”

Unfortunately, Mrs. Boyer’s trip to the tanning salon didn’t turn out well.

48. Torben & Klaus: Svingnissen – Dansemus

From Flashbak: "Where’s mom, you ask? Look into that girl’s eyes – the eyes of the purest evil – and you’ll have your answer."

From Flashbak: “Where’s mom, you ask? Look into that girl’s eyes – the eyes of the purest evil – and you’ll have your answer.”

This family would like to send their Christmas wishes and may your yuletide season be filled with love.

49. Leroy Andersen: A Christmas Festival with Leroy Andersen

From Flashbak: "This looks nothing at all like a festival. This is an old man taking notes…. perhaps they should have researched the term “festival” a bit more."

From Flashbak: “This looks nothing at all like a festival. This is an old man taking notes…. perhaps they should have researched the term “festival” a bit more.”

Apparently, this guy doesn’t really know what festival means. Or he wasn’t invited so he’s taking notes.

50. Music for Dreaming

From Go Retro: "No wonder I always wake up with a headache! After a long day of cross country skiing, there's nothing better then taking a nap in the snow and dreaming that I'm a 50 foot woman about to be rammed in the head by cars."

From Go Retro: “No wonder I always wake up with a headache! After a long day of cross country skiing, there’s nothing better then taking a nap in the snow and dreaming that I’m a 50 foot woman about to be rammed in the head by cars.”

For those tired of all the Christmas commercialism, this is the album for you.

Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Vintage Christmas Advertising of Yesterday (Third Edition)

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Now that Thanksgiving is finally over, it’s time for Black Friday to let the Christmas season finally commence. And I don’t think it would be more appropriate for me to start my cavalcade of Christmas posts than with some good old fashioned yuletide advertising. After all, chances are you’ve probably been bombarded with Black Friday special from retailers since after Halloween. Maybe even before that. Not only that, but several radio stations have already begun playing Christmas songs to so many people’s dismay who think it’s too freaking early. Now I’m fully aware that many people nostalgize over these old Christmas ads with their technicolor illustrations. However, I’ve done such posts twice before and the ads featured here surely aren’t those many tend to forget. In fact, many of them make you scratch your head, especially if it pertains to Santa doing stuff that put him squarely on the naughty list. And no, I don’t mean causing an Type II Diabetes epidemic every time he drinks a bottle of Coca Cola. So for your reading holiday pleasure, I give you some more vintage ads that might make your grandparents revisit parts of a time they’d rather forget.

  1. With Textron menswear, you can sled ride on a log in your pajamas.
And he's smoking a pipe as well as even has a guy pulling him with a string. Also, are those deer ladies in the background? Man, this ad seems to take inspiration from an acid trip.

And he’s smoking a pipe as well as even has a guy pulling him with a string. Also, are those deer ladies in the background? Man, this ad seems to take inspiration from an acid trip.

2. Pause and refresh with the great taste of Coca Cola.

Now this would make a perfectly good ad. If it weren't for that little bottle cap sprite boy handling the reindeer. Seriously, he gives me the creeps.

Now this would make a perfectly good ad. If it weren’t for that little bottle cap sprite boy handling the reindeer. Seriously, I guess he has the reindeer trample bad children.

3. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from Interwoven socks.

Also, watch Santa beat the living shit out of Axis power leaders. Still, the Japanese depiction is the mot offensive of the 3. Yellow peril, really?

Also, watch Santa beat the living shit out of Axis power leaders. Still, the Japanese depiction is the mot offensive of the 3. Yellow peril, really?

4. This year, Mrs. Santa Claus gets the greatest gift of all: a brand new refrigerator.

First of all, we know the guy dressed as Santa is her husband. Second, uh, fridges are appliances that should be for the whole family since everyone uses it. Not just the wife.

First of all, we know the guy dressed as Santa is her husband. Second, uh, fridges are appliances that should be for the whole family since everyone uses it. Not just the wife.

5. Why use a flying reindeer pulled sleigh when you can drive a 1950s muscle car?

Uh, Santa, I'm sure you really like that car. But seriously, falling into it from your sleigh really isn't a good idea. The next place could be the ER. Or six feet under.

Uh, Santa, I’m sure you really like that car. But seriously, falling into it from your sleigh really isn’t a good idea. The next place could be the ER. Or six feet under.

6. Lionel trains are always a great gift for young boys.

"Excellent. Soon I'll use this train set to carry out my plan to take over the world. Let's see if I can use it to run over my brother's gerbils."

“Excellent. Soon I’ll use this train set to carry out my plan to take over the world. Let’s see if I can use it to run over my brother’s gerbils.”

7. Santa Claus Soap is always best for laundry.

Okay, the Santa isn't that bad in this one, strangely enough. But if I were him, I'd watch out for that creepy child. She may have murder on the mind if St. Nick doesn't give her the chainsaw and hockey mask she wanted.

Okay, the Santa isn’t that bad in this one, strangely enough. But if I were him, I’d watch out for that creepy child. She may have murder on the mind if St. Nick doesn’t give her the chainsaw and hockey mask she wanted.

8. As Santa says, Chesterfield cigarettes come wrapped and ready.

Yes, nothing says Merry Christmas like the wrapped and ready gift of lung cancer, emphysema, COPD, and a 1 out of 3 chance of an early death. But here you have Santa with a cigarette in his hand. Way to put yourself on the naughty list, Kris Kringle.

Yes, nothing says Merry Christmas like the wrapped and ready gift of lung cancer, emphysema, COPD, and a 1 out of 3 chance of an early death. But here you have Santa with a cigarette in his hand. Way to put yourself on the naughty list, Kris Kringle.

9. Boys, spend your Christmas money on this Red Ryder Carbine BB gun.

Warning: Contains a strong possibility that you'll shoot your eye out, kids. Also doesn't come with a gyroscope as you might've thought from Christmas Story.

Warning: Contains a strong possibility that you’ll shoot your eye out, kids. Also doesn’t come with a gyroscope as you might’ve thought from Christmas Story.

10. Cameo stockings are always great Santa bait.

Yes, Santa loves to look at women who wear Cameo stockings from their windows. Of course, if he didn't have that magic sleigh and a sack full of gifts, he'd probably be subject to hundreds of restraining orders by now.

Yes, Santa loves to look at women who wear Cameo stockings from their windows. Of course, if he didn’t have that magic sleigh and a sack full of gifts, he’d probably be subject to hundreds of restraining orders by now.

11. Remember guys, ladies always love when you give them jewelry from Monet.

This guy's like, "I must've made a mistake. I only gave her some gold bracelets since she's a good friend of mine. Now she thinks we're more than that. Sure she's hot and I fantasize about sleeping with her. But I don't know if this is what I really want right now. I'm so confused."

This guy’s like, “I must’ve made a mistake. I only gave her some gold bracelets since she’s a good friend of mine and it was my turn to play Santa. Now she thinks we’re more than that. Sure she’s hot and I fantasize about sleeping with her. But I don’t know if this is what I really want right now. I’m so confused.”

12. Even Santa Claus himself wears a Botany Tie.

Sorry, but I don't think Santa should really go for business attire. If it weren't for the hat, he could easily be some grizzled old guy in accounting for all I know.

Sorry, but I don’t think Santa should really go for business attire. If it weren’t for the hat, he could easily be some mean grizzled old guy in accounting for all I know.

13. Don’t know what to give a man for Christmas? How about a pen?

Because nothing says "I didn't know what to give you this year but I know you hat ties" like a fancy overpriced pen. I'm sure your man will enjoy it.

Because nothing says “I didn’t know what to give you this year but I know you hat ties” like a fancy overpriced pen. I’m sure your man will enjoy it.

14. If you want to give your man something different, how about something among Avon’s all-men Christmas gifts?

Because nothing makes a manlier Christmas gift than a cologne decanter he can also use as a toy. The covered wagon one is particularly stupid.

Because nothing makes a manlier Christmas gift than a cologne decanter he can also use as a toy. The covered wagon one is particularly stupid.

15. Have your child dream of gingerbread men this Christmas with Royal baking powder.

I don't know about you, but that kid better wake up soon. Or else, surrounding magic gingerbread men might subject him to very terrible things.

I don’t know about you, but that kid better wake up soon. Or else, surrounding magic gingerbread men might subject him to very terrible things. That clown looks pretty shady, too.

16. Bob Hope tells you to hope for the best with Page & Shaw chocolates.

Sorry, but Bob Hope would've made a great Christmas movie horror villain in that Santa suit. Seriously, he's already giving me nightmares.

Sorry, but Bob Hope would’ve made a great Christmas movie horror villain in that Santa suit. Seriously, he’s already giving me nightmares.

17. For air-flight mileage on the road, give Fisk tires.

For one, Santa's sleigh doesn't need tires since it's pulled by reindeer and magic. Second, is he in space? If so, how is he and his reindeer able to function? Oh, right magic.

For one, Santa’s sleigh doesn’t need tires since it’s pulled by reindeer and magic. Second, is he in space? If so, how is he and his reindeer able to function? Oh, right magic.

18. For Christmas travel, you can always go on the Pennsylvania Railroad.

And here we have Santa creeping in on a girl in her sleeping car while the conductor seems to be fine with it. Okay, he probably understands. But it's kind of weird.

And here we have Santa creeping in on a girl in her sleeping car while the conductor seems to be totally fine with it. After all, Santa always sees you when you’re sleeping even on the train.

19. When seeing Santa at the mall, always remember to ask for the Plymouth your dad always wanted.

Because nothing says Christmas like parents using their children as pawns during a Santa visit. No, having your kid ask for a new car you want isn't being a good boy.

Because nothing says Christmas like parents using their children as pawns during a Santa visit. No, having your kid ask Santa for a new car you want isn’t being a good boy.

20. Don’t know what to give your woman for Christmas? How about a set of tupperware?

Because we all know that women can't get enough of colorful plastic containers to store food in. This especially goes for containers you can't put in the dishwasher.

Because we all know that women can’t get enough of colorful plastic containers to store food in. This especially goes for containers you can’t put in the dishwasher.

21. Make your Christmas morning a Kodak moment.

From Cracked: "The photograph that woman is taking is about to be mailed to that girl's mother with a ransom demand, possibly with a tiny severed finger included. That weeping girl has no idea where she is or who the monster behind that fine Kodak camera is. We suppose you could say that, in reality, this is just an ad about a mother photographing her little girl on Christmas morning, and this girl likes to open presents in bed (and the girl is apprehensive because she lives in an era when terror lurks around every corner). But Kodak actually had a whole series of these ads, and each and every one featured a woman photographing a young girl, in her bed, with a doll. Often against the girl's will."

From Cracked: “The photograph that woman is taking is about to be mailed to that girl’s mother with a ransom demand, possibly with a tiny severed finger included. That weeping girl has no idea where she is or who the monster behind that fine Kodak camera is. We suppose you could say that, in reality, this is just an ad about a mother photographing her little girl on Christmas morning, and this girl likes to open presents in bed (and the girl is apprehensive because she lives in an era when terror lurks around every corner). But Kodak actually had a whole series of these ads, and each and every one featured a woman photographing a young girl, in her bed, with a doll. Often against the girl’s will.”

22. What a wonderful Christmas to give a Borg scale!

Well, if anyone asked for it. Otherwise, a bathroom scale gift on Christmas is a way to say to a loved one that they really need to go to the gym or change their diet. Seriously, bathroom scales make horrible Christmas gifts.

Well, if anyone asked for it. Otherwise, a bathroom scale gift on Christmas is a way to say to a loved one that they really need to go to the gym or change their diet. Seriously, bathroom scales make horrible Christmas gifts.

23. GE cool brights are Christmas lights cool enough to touch.

Cracked: "OK, this kid is a little too on board with whatever is going on here. In 1970, GE wanted you to know that their lights were cool to the touch, and this little kid wanted to make sure that was the most awkward thing you learned about all day. Now, it's not this kid's fault that she got a haircut as bowl-shaped and lopsided as one of the Three Stooges, but the look on her face says that either there is something really freaky going on off-camera to the right or she's possessed. You can decide which is creepier."

Cracked: “OK, this kid is a little too on board with whatever is going on here. In 1970, GE wanted you to know that their lights were cool to the touch, and this little kid wanted to make sure that was the most awkward thing you learned about all day. Now, it’s not this kid’s fault that she got a haircut as bowl-shaped and lopsided as one of the Three Stooges, but the look on her face says that either there is something really freaky going on off-camera to the right or she’s possessed. You can decide which is creepier.”

24. For the guy in your life, you can always give him his own Iver Johnson automatic revolver.

Yes, ladies, give your men the gift that's a gleaming instrument of death. Let's hope the gun isn't hanging on the tree by the goddamned trigger while it's loaded.

Yes, ladies, give your men the gift that’s a gleaming instrument of death. Let’s hope the gun isn’t hanging on the tree by the goddamned trigger while it’s loaded.

25. From Harper’s Weekly 1865: Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

From Cracked: "This 1865 ad is actually just Harper's Weekly thanking its customers for their business. But studying it closely, we've developed a theory that the artist started drawing at the top and slowly went insane as he worked his way down. Because at a quick glance, this seems pretty standard issue old-timey Christmas, but our creep-ometer started going off when we saw Santa winking lustfully from the center, being all "Ladies ... I mean ... children." But keep going down to the bottom and you'll see that the town has gathered for the annual Christmas decapitations of their giant-headed residents, as is tradition, which has incorporated the usual Christmas tropes: swords, dwarfs, kung-fu fighting and exactly one clown. Also, the set appears to have caught fire, leaving no hope of escape for anyone in that crowded building."

From Cracked: “This 1865 ad is actually just Harper’s Weekly thanking its customers for their business. But studying it closely, we’ve developed a theory that the artist started drawing at the top and slowly went insane as he worked his way down. Because at a quick glance, this seems pretty standard issue old-timey Christmas, but our creep-ometer started going off when we saw Santa winking lustfully from the center, being all “Ladies … I mean … children.” But keep going down to the bottom and you’ll see that the town has gathered for the annual Christmas decapitations of their giant-headed residents, as is tradition, which has incorporated the usual Christmas tropes: swords, dwarfs, kung-fu fighting and exactly one clown. Also, the set appears to have caught fire, leaving no hope of escape for anyone in that crowded building.”

26. Christmas time is always Guinness time.

Misplaced wildlife aside, I think the Pelican might have a drinking problem. Just look how many bottles he has in its beak. That's not a good sign.

Misplaced wildlife aside, I think the Pelican might have a drinking problem. Just look how many bottles he has in its beak. That’s not a good sign.

27. A Morris car is always great for the whole family.

Don't look now but these kids walked on their mommy kissing Santa Claus or their dad in a Santa suit. And yet, neither seem very fazed about it at all.

Don’t look now but these kids walked on their mommy kissing Santa Claus or their dad in a Santa suit. And yet, neither seem very fazed about it at all.

28. Give your child a special gift for Christmas like a puppy.

For the love of God, don't give your kids a puppy for Christmas since dog ownership is a 10-15 year commitment. Seriously, don't do it. This ad sets a very disturbing trend because a lot of Christmas puppies end up neglected.

For the love of God, don’t give your kids a puppy for Christmas since dog ownership is a 10-15 year emotional commitment. Seriously, don’t do it. This ad sets a very disturbing trend because a lot of Christmas puppies end up neglected.

29. Real Silk hosiery is a great gift for anyone on your list.

Okay, this might not go well with the kids either since this well-dressed man is sitting with a Santa suit. Yeah, that might require some uncomfortable explanation.

Okay, this might not go well with the kids either since this well-dressed man is sitting with a Santa suit. Yeah, that might require some uncomfortable explanation.

30. Even Santa Claus himself enjoys a good smoke now and then.

Of course, remember that enjoying a good smoke will get your lungs full of tar and possibly result in a slow and painful death from lung cancer. Seriously, tobacco kills people for God's sake.

Of course, remember that enjoying a good smoke will get your lungs full of tar and possibly result in a slow and painful death from lung cancer. Seriously, tobacco kills people for God’s sake.

31. This Christmas give your family the gift that keeps on giving, life insurance.

Let's just hope this father doesn't intend to murder his family and cash in on the money. But I wouldn't be so sure about that.

Let’s just hope this father doesn’t intend to murder his family and cash in on the money. But I wouldn’t be so sure about that.

32. Make this a Browning Christmas with a brand new arsenal.

Great for NRA members and crazy nutjobs for their survivalist bunkers. What more could they ask for?

Great for NRA members and crazy nutjobs for their survivalist bunkers. What more could they ask for?

33. There’s nothing more a woman wants from Santa than a new fur coat.

Okay, Santa, buying expensive gifts for women is one thing. Tucking a sleeping woman in a fur coat? Well, that's just goddamn creepy.

Okay, Santa, buying expensive gifts for women is one thing. Tucking a sleeping woman in a fur coat? Well, that’s just goddamn creepy.

34. Take in the aroma of the holiday season on our December 10th Open House at Sandberg Funeral and Cremation Services.

Because there's nothing that's in the spirit of Christmas than dwelling on the notion of your loved one's imminent mortality. Hope they have senior discounts because funerals are expensive.

Because there’s nothing that’s in the spirit of Christmas than dwelling on the notion of your loved one’s imminent mortality. Hope they have senior discounts because funerals are expensive.

35. Nothing makes a great Christmas treat than hot Dr. Pepper.

Uh, Frosty, you know you shouldn't be around hot drinks for obvious reasons. Also, hot soft drinks are disgusting.

Uh, Frosty, you know you shouldn’t be around hot drinks for obvious reasons. Also, hot soft drinks are disgusting.

36. Give your lady the best she deserves for Christmas like a Hoover.

Oh, God, please don't. Seriously, vacuums are noise machines used for cleaning. Women will not love it.

Oh, God, please don’t. Seriously, vacuums are noise machines used for cleaning. Women will not love it. If my boyfriend gave me one, I’d seriously flip out. Great Christmas gift, you say? Hell no!

37. Mackintosh’s Quality Street sweets are enough to even tempt Santa.

Then again, Santa is overweight and prefers baked goods so it's not too much of a stretch. However, he should beware of Bo Peep and the giant toy soldier behind him.

Then again, Santa is overweight and prefers baked goods so it’s not too much of a stretch. However, he should beware of Bo Peep and the giant toy soldier behind him.

38. Kids, how about give your dad a Zippo lighter for Christmas this year?

Let's hope the kid on the right doesn't accidentally light himself on fire with one of those near his ass. Because that would cause a major disaster.

Let’s hope the kid on the right doesn’t accidentally light himself on fire with one of those near his ass. Because that would cause a major disaster.

39. This Christmas, introduce your wife to the joys of canning.

Uh, seriously? Unless she runs her own cottage business, I'm not sure if a bottling outfit is even necessary. I mean this is wrong on so many levels.

Uh, seriously? Unless she runs her own cottage business, I’m not sure if a bottling outfit is even necessary. I mean this is wrong on so many levels.

40. Men, need a last minute gift for the women in your life? Go with Pyrex.

Because nothing says "I didn't put any thought in your Christmas gift and put off my shopping till the last minute" like Pyrex tupperware. Yeah, Pyrex, what a way to promote yourself.

Because nothing says “I didn’t put any thought in your Christmas gift and put off my shopping till the last minute” like Pyrex. Yeah, Pyrex, what a way to promote yourself.

41. More Santas want Fruit of the Loom underwear for Christmas than any other brand.

Because we all know how men proudly hang out on Christmas in their undies isn't very unusual at all. Still, this is pretty awkward.

Because we all know how men proudly hang out on Christmas in their undies isn’t very unusual at all. Still, this is pretty awkward.

42. Doubl-Glo icicles always deck the best dressed Christmas trees.

I don't know about you. But I wouldn't trust that Santa if I were you. He doesn't seem like himself lately.

I don’t know about you. But I wouldn’t trust that Santa if I were you. He doesn’t seem like himself lately.

43. Ann Page foods are of Christmas quality.

Uh, Santa, we know you like food and all. But I suggest you might want to take it down a notch. You're scaring the children.

Uh, Santa, we know you like food and all. But I suggest you might want to take it down a notch. You’re scaring the children.

44. Nothing makes a great Christmas eggnog like Bacardi.

Still, you may not want the eggnog making duties to fall on Santa's elves. Because who knows what else is in their recipe.

Still, you may not want the eggnog making duties to fall on Santa’s elves. Because who knows what else is in their recipe.

45. Please, Santa, can you give Mommy a Hoover!

If she were my daughter, I would say, "You better not ask Santa for a Hoover, young lady!" Because I hate vacuums.

If she were my daughter, I would say, “You better not ask Santa for a Hoover, young lady!” Because I hate vacuums.

46. At Singer, you can always find the best gifts for your family.

Notice in this ad that the son has a Singer record player while the daughter has a toy sewing machine. Sexist? I'll say. Besides, in those days, I'd rather have the record player or the typewriter.

Notice in this ad that the son has a Singer record player while the daughter has a toy sewing machine. Sexist? I’ll say. Besides, in those days, I’d rather have the record player or the typewriter.

47. Remember, guys, ladies always love a man who’d give them a new fur coat. Just ask Santa.

Santa, I don't think Mrs. Claus will approve of you being between these two lovely women. Please, I don't know how she puts up with you being such a perv.

Santa, I don’t think Mrs. Claus will approve of you being between these two lovely women. Please, I don’t know how she puts up with you being such a perv.

48. Give year round pleasure this Christmas with ice buckets.

"Just think, in 50 years, our grandkids will use these to dump ice on themselves for ALS donations. You know that disease that killed Lou Gehrig? Is that cool or what?"

“Just think, in 50 years, our grandkids will use these to dump ice on themselves for ALS donations. You know that disease that killed Lou Gehrig? Is that cool or what?”

49. Santa says that nothing makes a more ideal Christmas gift than weapons.

Using Santa to sell guns and archery equipment, that's just crazy. Then again, deer hunting season is usually over by this point anyway.

Using Santa to sell guns and archery equipment, that’s just crazy. Then again, deer hunting season is usually over by this point anyway.

50. Murad cigarettes: The great Christmas present for grown-ups.

Yes, this smoking Santa ad has him encouraging kids to buy cigarettes for their parents. Because that's what adults want. Let alone that tobacco kills 1 out of 3 of its users worldwide.

Yes, this smoking Santa ad has him encouraging kids to buy cigarettes for their parents. Because that’s what adults want. Let alone that tobacco kills 1 out of 3 of its users worldwide.

51. The results are in, everyone wants Mrs. Claus’s ironing table.

What Mrs. Claus needs is a desk to answer all those letters. Also, what good is having all those elves around if they won't do the ironing for you?

What Mrs. Claus needs is a desk to answer all those letters. Also, what good is having all those elves around if they won’t do the ironing for you?

52. What she’s dreaming for this Christmas is a White sewing machine.

From Buzzfeed: "I’m positive this is not the “white Christmas” she was dreaming about." I kind of agree.

From Buzzfeed: “I’m positive this is not the “white Christmas” she was dreaming about.” I kind of agree.

53. Santa’s future is still in the bag with Mutual Life Insurance.

I don't know about you. But I don't know why Santa would need life insurance exactly. I mean it's widely said he goes on forever.

I don’t know about you. But I don’t know why Santa would need life insurance exactly. I mean it’s widely said he goes on forever. This doesn’t make sense.

54. Have all your gifts initialed with Seagram’s V.O.

From Flashbak: "The 1965 Class of Alcoholics Anonymous. Perhaps, the choice of graduation gifts could’ve been more thought through."

From Flashbak: “The 1965 Class of Alcoholics Anonymous. Perhaps, the choice of graduation gifts could’ve been more thought through.”

55. Ladies, give him the best with Max Factor aftershave.

I understand this is for family. But the fact a young girl has her lips pursed like she expects to be kissed is a pretty disturbing.

I understand this is for family. But the fact a young girl has her lips pursed like she expects to be kissed is a pretty disturbing.

56. Which of these watches will bring you the best kisses this Christmas morning?

From Flashbak: "Which one’s the best? Hmmm. The “extra hug” and and “kiss for every jewel” (and she’ll call you “sir” watches are nice. But, I’ll have the “one [censored] coming right up” watch instead."

From Flashbak: “Which one’s the best? Hmmm. The “extra hug” and and “kiss for every jewel” (and she’ll call you “sir” watches are nice. But, I’ll have the “one [censored] coming right up” watch instead.”

57. Give the kids a Christmas they’ll never forget with Bell & Howell.

From Flashbak: "Kids – look away! There is a Santa Claus… despite how this irresponsible 1944 advert looks. Bell and Howell are dicks."

From Flashbak: “Kids – look away! There is a Santa Claus… despite how this irresponsible 1944 advert looks. Bell and Howell are dicks.”

58. This Christmas treat your car to some roller bearings.

From Flashbak: "1946 Ad Bower Roller Bearings advert…. strange that there would even be an advert for roller bearings in the first place. Even stranger it would feature girls in sexy Christmas costumes."

From Flashbak: “1946 Ad Bower Roller Bearings advert…. strange that there would even be an advert for roller bearings in the first place. Even stranger it would feature girls in sexy Christmas costumes.”

59. This year make it a family Christmas with Weldon pajamas.

Because nothing says Christmas like wearing matching pink and red pajamas for the whole family. It's amazing if Sonny won't look back at this moment with embarrassment years later.

Because nothing says Christmas like wearing matching pink and red pajamas for the whole family. It’s amazing if Sonny won’t look back at this moment with embarrassment years later.

60. Who needs mistletoe when you have Johnny Walker Red?

Okay, this is a very troubling ad since it hints Christmas date rape. A present no young woman wants period.

Okay, this is a very troubling ad since it hints Christmas date rape. A present no young woman wants period.

61. A boy becomes a man on Christmas when he receives his first typewriter.

From Flashbak: "Yes, since Biblical days, the rite of manhood has been the sacred Gifting of the Typewriter. This advert is from 1976 – it wouldn’t be long before the typewriter would go the way of the abacus and daguerreotype."

From Flashbak: “Yes, since Biblical days, the rite of manhood has been the sacred Gifting of the Typewriter. This advert is from 1976 – it wouldn’t be long before the typewriter would go the way of the abacus and daguerreotype.”

62. When Santa relaxes, he always has his elves tending to his every need.

So Santa gets to relax with the elves who do everything for him for who who knows what. Also, Santa usually drinks Coca Cola from the bottle. An elf shouldn't pour a glass for him.

So Santa gets to relax with the elves who do everything for him for who who knows what. Also, Santa usually drinks Coca Cola from the bottle. An elf shouldn’t pour a glass for him.

63. This Christmas Santa Claus has a sack filled with Chesterfield cigarettes.

Yes, nothing says Christmas like the gift of lung cancer. Santa, you really want us to smoke? God almighty!

Yes, nothing says Christmas like the gift of lung cancer. Santa, you really want us to smoke? God almighty!

64. Santa Claus knows that Westinghouse fridges don’t freeze.

Yet, did he really have to have Inuit children help him? I mean he has elves and I know that's not a great depiction of Native Americans.

Yet, did he really have to have Inuit children help him? I mean he has elves and I know that’s not a great depiction of Native Americans.

65. Nothing makes Frosty feel at home than a basement freezer.

Looks like Frosty the Snowman is now sleeping with the fish sticks. Guess global warming has really got to him these days.

Looks like Frosty the Snowman is now sleeping with the fish sticks. Guess global warming has really got to him these days.

66. Rest your head this Christmas with a Koolfoam pillow.

From Bob Canada: "This poor family of wretches has apparently been without proper head support for a very long time. Dad's positively in ecstasy as he paws at that new pillow. Little Suzie is even ignoring her brand new doll so that she can cop a feel off of that stuffed sack of Nirvana."

From Bob Canada: “This poor family of wretches has apparently been without proper head support for a very long time. Dad’s positively in ecstasy as he paws at that new pillow. Little Suzie is even ignoring her brand new doll so that she can cop a feel off of that stuffed sack of Nirvana.”

67. A Schwinn bike makes a perfect Christmas gift for a kid.

From Retail Hell Underground: "Look at that kid's eyes. He is absolutely planning to murder you with his shiny new Schwinn. It doesn't matter that bikes are made of smooth metal and squishy rubber and luxurious pleather -- he will find a way to butcher you with it, probably after practicing on no less than five neighborhood pets. And check out that drawn-out "O-OH-H." Not only is he getting his first Schwinn, he's also experiencing his first orgasm. The first ones are so easy, aren't they? But soon you get jaded, and the only way you can get your rocks off is by watching a prostitute choke to death on a bicycle bell, her death rattle accompanied by plaintive ringing."

From Retail Hell Underground: “Look at that kid’s eyes. He is absolutely planning to murder you with his shiny new Schwinn. It doesn’t matter that bikes are made of smooth metal and squishy rubber and luxurious pleather — he will find a way to butcher you with it, probably after practicing on no less than five neighborhood pets. And check out that drawn-out “O-OH-H.” Not only is he getting his first Schwinn, he’s also experiencing his first orgasm. The first ones are so easy, aren’t they? But soon you get jaded, and the only way you can get your rocks off is by watching a prostitute choke to death on a bicycle bell, her death rattle accompanied by plaintive ringing.”

68. Santa always knows that a boy wants his own Stevens rifle for Christmas.

From Retail Hell Underground: "We can't emphasize enough that this 1906 ad is for real guns. Not cork guns or BB guns -- actual, "hunt your own food and shoot a man down in cold blood" guns. And this one is being placed beside a sleeping child by a visibly conniving Santa, as if he's preparing the kid for some Christmas morning Hunger Games in which only the sole survivor gets the stocking."

From Retail Hell Underground: “We can’t emphasize enough that this 1906 ad is for real guns. Not cork guns or BB guns — actual, “hunt your own food and shoot a man down in cold blood” guns. And this one is being placed beside a sleeping child by a visibly conniving Santa, as if he’s preparing the kid for some Christmas morning Hunger Games in which only the sole survivor gets the stocking.”

69. When Santa sees you when you’re sleeping, he sometimes even films it.

From Retail Hell Underground: "He sees you when you're sleeping. He also films you when you're sleeping. Then he shows everybody in a seedy, poorly lit theater. We really wish we could see those people's hands ... Wait, no! We take that back."

From Retail Hell Underground: “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He also films you when you’re sleeping. Then he shows everybody in a seedy, poorly lit theater. We really wish we could see those people’s hands … Wait, no! We take that back.”

70. There’s nothing better on Christmas than getting drunk on Kinsey with a ghost.

From Retail Hell Underground: "Easily the best part of any Christmas gathering is when you sit down with your buddy for a nice toast with Kinsey Whiskey and fucking drunken ghosts show up to party. Also, does that guy have a framed photo of himself on the table? Your holiday parties may be painfully awkward, but at least they're not whiskey-fueled ghost keggers with unrepentant narcissists."

From Retail Hell Underground: “Easily the best part of any Christmas gathering is when you sit down with your buddy for a nice toast with Kinsey Whiskey and fucking drunken ghosts show up to party. Also, does that guy have a framed photo of himself on the table? Your holiday parties may be painfully awkward, but at least they’re not whiskey-fueled ghost keggers with unrepentant narcissists.”