Easter Greetings from the Days of Yesteryear (Sixth Edition)

joyful_easter_cross

Now it’s on to the vintage Easter greeting cards. After all, they have greeting cards for everything. Nonetheless, as we’re confined to our homes due to the Coronavirus scourge on the world, we should all do our best to ensure some sense of normalcy. Of course, I’ll do my part by showing you some crazy vintage Easter cards. Some of these defy explanation that you have to see to believe. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of weird vintage Easter cards from the olden days. Enjoy.

  1. Witches on Easter?
1acbf8776f80feaf5de9b33707f3c458

Okay, this is a tradition from Scandinavia. Yet most Americans would think the designer got confused with Halloween.

2. Let the frogs open the gate for the beetles.

2e6ca7d1c56c8911cd9dfc2788050f9b

Okay, I’m kind of confused at this. Besides, don’t frogs eat bugs like that. What the hell is going on here?

3. Celebrate Easter with a band of witches?

3cf18035e025e5e3fb64a5315ff2b96d

Again, this is from Scandinavia. Yet, why they started a band with household implements and have cats on vocals is beyond me.

4. Nothing makes Easter worth celebrating like a beetle party.

5afd000c2928e04ba52f9d0f3a34d70f

Here we have beetles dancing in the forest. And yes, the females even wear dresses. Seems to be from a bad acid trip.

5. Best wishes for a joyful Easter from a couple of parakeets.

6aefb73916b48fe0899153ffa38eb4f0

What the hell? Parakeets? Seriously, what do they have to do with Easter besides absolutely nothing.

6. Happy Easter from a chick on skis.

6bd1e118e5ae8678e7ea337cca58fa6a

This is from Russia. Apparently, it still snows there during the Easter season. Yet, the chick still carry flowers on an eggshell on its back.

7. In the future, women will fly in their Easter hats.

6daea9efd8b82a7670ef26116d409775

Well, that hasn’t happened. But if you see what Easter bonnets look like, you get the idea.

8. Here we have a chick carrying flowers.

8cc5f3b47a7c1a6fabf8e27ae8595b0f

And this little chick doesn’t seem to like the job. Since they’d have to use a yoke on their backs and carry the flowers in eggshells.

9. Beetle with flowers wishes you a joyful Easter.

8d2e5e29df20b132eaa998dcd4761db7

I don’t get what this beetle has to do with Easter. Because they sure don’t have anything to do with the holiday in America.

10. Even a modern witch needs to fly on Easter.

8fed87aa911d55978810116a971c4b2e

I know the moon is confused as much as anyone. But take it from me, this is a tradition in Scandinavia.

11. How about a pretty witch handing out eggs from her basket?

9beea5b3796dad6b646e9261aedb71ce

This one is from the US since it’s in the English language. Still, you have to wonder why she hasn’t yet gotten out of her river dance outfit. Saint Patrick’s Day’s probably over by then.

12. Happy Easter from the frog walking his beetle.

21f93033e79ccdbab1047e3fd6bd4b2a

This is messed up. Seriously, frogs probably eat beetles, not keep them as pets. Also uses a toadstool as an umbrella.

13. This Easter be happy to have beetles living in your flowers.

44e3f07b4238d65dc81141560cf7ab65

Actually, having beetles in your bouquet will freak out everyone. Seriously, what the hell?

14. How about a beetle carrying a young girl in a basket?

52d3bc754b81a6a1ee88061c72a9ccd9

And she’s not to be messed with from her expression. Still, this seems more or less appropriate for a weird sci-fi or horror movie than an Easter card.

15. Happy Easter from an Alpine bunny.

62cbd36c875d667c1d0bfba3ef2e7a24

Yes, she seems like she’s straight out of The Sound of Music. Wonder how she plays the zither with her paws. Maybe I don’t want to know.

16. Happy Easter from the hardboiled egg family.

73db8c896656b5c8a62288a831614817

Even their dog’s made out of eggs. Don’t ask me to explain why the designer thought this would make a good Easter card.

17. Heard of an egghead? She has an egg body.

74f219ccd0d85b56535eafdcdf0e61ef

Okay, that’s just freaky. But at least her apron has pockets.

18. Out of this egg comes a whole bunch of chicks.

87be7b7c520c271cbe360c3bead50ab4

That’s not how the amniotic egg works. Seriously, a bunch of chicks don’t hatch from a single egg. That’s contrary to chicken biology.

19. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Beetles.

94e2f89aac7530106241b8c90f944ef3

No, not the Beatles. I mean a band with beetles. But they seem good enough that a couple of beetles dance.

20. Easter greetings from a pipe smoking chick.

095bfc410b17e1139274ac4bcc6a7453

His pipe is long enough so he could smoke from it on the window sill. As he admires the blue spring flowers.

21. Even chicks have their limits.

118f75f61c024a39cea1acd2e9c19237

2 guy chicks hit on a girl chick on the roller skating grounds. And she’s not having it. Wonder if she’s heard of Me Too. Probably not.

22. Let’s leave these beetles to themselves.

1996e1b1e81eee79306f381a68ff880a

I don’t get what beetles have to do with Easter. Yet, they’re sharing an intimate moment under an umbrella.

23. Happy Easter from Easter eggs playing cards.

4622bc5b445c276308d7f61d63d59481

Seriously, what the hell is going on here? Guess the egg who loses the most money has to sit on a wall. Also, do the flowers have eyes? And are they actually watching them?

24. “Easter joy be yours.”

5604d209fa40848ac371edc458226576

This is basically the literal definition of “flower child.” And it’s really freaky. Seriously, why?

25. A Happy Easter from the pink flower children.

42154a7cccdb20cef13ab78dd1d1e042

Yes, this flower children thing wasn’t just confined to Alice in Wonderland. And yes, it makes you wonder if you’re on an acid trip.

26. Care to go places in an egg cart?

an-egg-ride-624x412

And apparently, it’s pulled by a mother hen and her chicks. I’m sure you won’t go far in that.

27. “Sorry I’m late to the coven.”

b4e1a21fa5fa7dcaa92d14511f043841

And it appears one of the witches brought something. While devils do a dance in the background. Seriously, how is this an Easter card?

28. Happy Easter from the frog family.

b960dec1697765bc544a2a723bcfabe0

Frogs don’t have families like that. Seriously, they lay their eggs in water, which hatch into tadpoles. Also, what do frogs have to do with Easter?

29. Happy Easter from the kid hatched from an egg.

born-from-an-egg-624x966

No, that’s not how people reproduce. And no, they don’t come out like they’re 3 years old.

30. Happy Easter from the flying chicken.

1953  Eliasson  Pieni kortti,

Okay, this is from Scandinavia. And yes, the hen’s a bit insecure on how her chicks are holding onto the broomstick.

31. Happy Easter from the bunny riding a sheep.

c71cbc6c27445eb3b3ec57c2084f09a7

Bunny is frustrated over the lamb’s stubbornness. Lamb doesn’t want to visit the rickety old mill because they think it’s dangerous.

32. “So we’re the first ones to hatch?”

d4bfc418403490f64d0994c505829cc7

You can see the weird look in that chick’s eye. As they wonder what the hell they’re doing in an Easter basket instead of a chicken coop.

33. Easter Greetings from a distinguished gentleman chick.

d09e04aa605ed6b470472634dc653f25

Is this how chicks in Downton Abbey hatch. Do they come equipped with pince nezes, top hats and canes? Asking for a friend.

34. Nowadays Easter witches take to the road.

easterwitch_automobiles

You can see them go over the speed limit in Scandinavia. And yes, the cat’s freaking out. Also, the torches at the front pose a severe safety risk.

35. “All hail the steaming kettle.”

easterwitch_coffeemountain

Not sure what the kettle has to do with Easter. But I sure don’t want my broomstick near it.

36. Today, modern witches travel the skies in planes.

easterwitch_finnish_airplane_ebay

You can see the plane’s basically egg-shaped so the witch can put her feet up. While the cat secretly prays for a safe landing.

37. A witch always needs to look her best for Easter.

easterwitch_finnishbeauty_ebay

Yet, the cats appear to jump off the broomstick. Because they don’t want to be near it when she’s handling it.

38. This Easter, the witches ride on their familiars.

easterwitch_goatcatriding_onfaith

One rides on a giant cat she probably enchanted. The other dresses in style and goes on a big horn sheep.

39. “Hey, don’t touch my broomstick!”

easterwitch_holdingbroom_curtnystrom_ebay

Yeah, Easter witches don’t take that kind of shit. Guess someone’s going be toad.

40. Didn’t know witches flew by day.

easterwitch_kids

In Harry Potter they do. Yet, these kids are baffled by the daytime spectacle. Also, why is the moon out during daylight hours?

41. Just a little break for tea.

easterwitch_saucer

Sure she’s not drinking alcohol. Nonetheless, it’s a case of distracted driving that you don’t wonder why the cat’s clinging to dear life.

42. Watch out for that church steeple.

easterwitch_turretcrash_ebay

Yeah, when you’re flying at a high altitude, you probably run into a lot of tall structures. Wonder what she does to get any help.

43. This hen carries her Easter eggs in her apron.

eec345932fa9284bb2872825a4bacbcc

This looks like an accident waiting to happen. Just wait when she’s tripped and all the eggs come crashing down.

44. Happy Easter from the daffodil children.

fe8cfb36863b914eb5f6a5ea43b0d342

Am I the only one to think this as freaky? Seriously, why?

45. “We Easter witches must stick together.”

ff2eac319152df31b46a825d7c5c1641--sweden-holidays-easter-lunch

Uh, can’t they just fly up the mountain? Seriously, they have brooms for that. Or did their brooms run out of magic power?

46. Happy Easter from the egg with a man’s face.

salad-clipart-vintage-752026-8730507

Okay, this is really freaky. Since when do eggs have mustaches, faces, and pince-nezes? Even the gnomes are stupefied.

47. Apparently, 2 girls can fit inside an egg.

two-for-one

Wonder how this is possible. Oh, yes, the egg’s just gigantic. Still, it boggles my mind.

48. “Now you all be good when I’m out. Okay?”

vintage-easter-cards-victorian-gifted_1_43634cda8e3fa3b07f66e1bd46b257f5

Not sure about the dynamic. Since chicks are baby chickens. Also, the egg home has a chimney and ladder.

49. Easter witches even fly on a rainy day.

4cb9ce873aff5815a4381d77cb1f0603

Since she’s got her umbrella with her. Yet, the cat’s still uneasy on the broomstick.

50. How about a joy ride over the chicken coop?

e326a3ff122e73a3faf51eee4347807f

The old man’s kind of like, “What the hell’s going on?” But the witch on her broomstick doesn’t give a damn.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Seventh Edition)

3266015221_b104cf1c2b_z

Now that we’re past Martin Luther King Day, we come to Valentine’s Day. Of course, this involves many people to exchange valentines. Kids give theirs to classmates. Adults give them to their sweethearts. Of course, you’ll find plenty of motifs on them like sentiments of heartfelt love, hearts, Cupid, and other images. Yet, there are some old valentines out there that defy explanation. Some that have cutesy images but suggestive puns. And those that surely wouldn’t fly nowadays. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of terrible vintage Valentines.

  1. “To My Valentine: I believe in freedom of the press.”
0a2a05f3fd837f5bc981a0c84c7cf362

Let’s hope he asked for consent first. Still, the guy seems rather excited to embrace his girlfriend. Guess he can’t wait to get it on.

2. “I ‘mascara’ lot for you…”

3-Mascara

Meaning she likes you so much that she’ll apply tons of makeup to look like Tammy Faye Bakker. Or something like that.

3. This seems like a real sausage fest.

74d8cc63d0f33e1caf38dd87f080f0fc

Yeah, I know there’s a suggestive pun behind this. Yet, the girl seems to like what she sees.

4. This couple gives a whole new meaning to “tossed salad.”

2ade16b7c6039ffd454e682d3512578d--funny-valentine-vintage-valentines

“Tossed salad” is a slang term relating to sex. Also, the carrot is the guy, obviously.

5. Any girl would like a cat who could play piano.

8af59f5a-c9b8-4070-a4fe-b5bfa755b800-ValentineVintage.flickrCC.JoeHaupt.png

But apparently, she’s hiding in the spinet. Kind of screwed up if you ask me.

6. Speaking of cats, this one’s throwing herself toward this boy.

1ebad6127e3e493ea5029c92df55f0d7-cat-valentine-vintage-valentines

Yes, I know this is screwed up. But given the cat’s a giant who can tear the boy to pieces, I’m not sure how he’ll be able to say no.

7. Want to get your man? Lure him with treats.

99becb3c2903bdd64e4e7f8340e2f9d0

Not sure if the boy’s looking at her or the food. Also, she’s wearing a rather short skirt. Wonder why.

8. This firefighter cat’s burning for you.

834d14b3d5beaddf6e7f30c97a05b07a

Apparently, he’s also got a rather suggestive stare going on like he’s hungry for something. And it’s not food. While he’s holding the hose over his shoulder.

9. “The future would appear so fine, if you would be my Valentine!”

0214_spacemates

Is the boy using a telescope to look at the stars or stalking his sweetheart? If the latter, what the hell’s the girl doing beside him? I’d really like to know that.

10. “I need something permanent – It might as well be you!”

0a30e59e515120e5d1b9e4b8a78d25f2

Okay, the message isn’t too bad. But considering we live in the 21st century, this hasn’t aged well. Sure she’s getting her hair done. But such contraption has been used for sinister purposes in a lot of science fiction more times than I can count.

11. “Who wouldn’t BLOW a guy like you, my valentine.”

1b72f14da02eee3eb9d0067fb9e8383e

The word “blow” has several meanings. But in this context, it could either mean “kiss,” or a “blow job.” Wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the latter.

12. This wolf is only hungry for love.

467685901ebde_22058b

Yes, he’s certainly well-dressed. But despite that male wolves mate for life and make great dads in the wild, being seen as a “wolf” in human society, isn’t really a compliment.

13. “I get a BANG out of you, valentine. Please be mine.”

9988412925_e6bbbb3465_h

Yes, the message is suggestive. But the bear lighting a firecracker isn’t really a smart idea either.

14. Don’t bat about love to this witch.

14545754139008-enhanced-buzz-27268-1392146532-4

Cause if you do, she will put a curse on you that you might not be able to shake off. Also, she could turn you into a toad or simply kill you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

15. This hotdog is frankly crazy about his valentine.

c4f017e4edf4f7e55fbcdf2940c3d058

And yes, I’m sure it’s a guy. Because, hotdogs are also known as “wieners.” Nothing to suggest here. Not.

16. Man, Cupid can be very nasty with people’s hearts.

To My Valentine

Since he’s got a heart cooking over a camp fire. Hope he doesn’t intend to eat it later. Oh, wait, he’s munching on it right now.

17. “You’re a good egg! Hope you’ll be my valentine!”

cca9e9a4a680075086b591c2e71e338d--vintage-valentine-cards-valentine-day-cards

Yes, these are egg people with limbs. And yes, it’s kind of disturbing if you ask me. Hope they don’t end up scrambled.

18. This apple loves her valentine to the core.

core_large

Of course, being a core means he was once an apple who’s been considerably eaten. But she loves him anyway.

19. If this wolf won’t be your valentine, he’ll blow your house down.

e8f447e565cd5ae7afa781b98b712bda

Of course, being a core means he was once an apple who’s been considerably eaten. But she loves him anyway.

20. Train engineer has eyes for a certain passenger.

Funny-Vintage-Valentines-Day-Cards-4

Note how the girl’s showing her legs while sitting on her suitcase. Still, guy needs to keep his eyes on the track at all times.

21. A foxy guy knows what kind of catch you’d be.

image-asset

He seems to be looking through the weeds. Nothing creepy about that. Oh, wait, that’s basically stalking.

22. The Big Bad Wolf wants to be Little Red Riding Hood’s valentine.

IMG_0001

So basically the wolf breaking in her grandma’s house, eating her and wearing her clothes was a bad way to handle rejection. Seriously, this valentine is so messed up.

23. “I’m fit to be tied so….be my Valentine!”

6bde64d0e1da2df9bb01b904fd4e596a

For one, cowboys and Indians weren’t a thing. Also, this valentine seems to make light of Indian atrocities, which is pretty disturbing.

24. “You’re a good skate, Valentine.”

old-valentines-day-cards-4-510x580

Though I’m sure any love between these 2 might be strongly one-sided. Given the guy wants to get the hell out. While the girl is like “what gives?”

25. A black girl reads the cards.

racist-1930s-mechanical-valentines_1_8f62ef2fad3f177a8c799cc7b35202ee

Okay, she’s depicted in a rather offensive racist stereotype. Yeah, not exactly one you’d send to a black person.

26. “You’re just my speed, BIG BOY, an’ I’m sure gonna hold on tight!”

speedvcard

Girl’s giving a guy a rather suggestive look on that tricycle. Thus, giving the message a rather dirty double meaning.

27. “You’re the model for me. Be my Valentine.”

unintentionally-hilarious-vintage-valentines-day-cards-1

This one seems to defy all sense of logic. The frames are hollow. While the painter has a paintbrush like he’s about to paint. How’s that possible?

28. “I aim to tame you, Valentine!”

87979583a7a862f30519f547d1250297--my-funny-valentine-vintage-valentines

Granted, he’s a lion tamer. Yet, he’s got a whip with him. Either he’s using that to subdue his love or he’s into BDSM. Please let it be the latter.

29. “I’d like to haunt you, Valentine.”

14545754114351-enhanced-13464-1392141488-10

Though this seems less like you’d see in Ghost, and more like you’d see in Harry Potter when Moaning Myrtle shows up. But without the bathroom fixtures in the background.

30. This bear isn’t a bad skate, is he?

UnUsed-Americard-Valentines-Card-Thin-Ice-Ice-Skating

Yet, note that the ice isn’t very sturdy since there’s a hole somewhere. Only a matter of time till the bear falls in.

31. “Warm the ‘COCKLES’ of my heart by being my valentine.”

valentine-cock

The worm seems to have a human face as a rooster towers over it. Not happy where this is heading.

32. “Let’s strike up a match, Valentine!”

valentinematch

Keep in mind, they’ll probably burn to a crisp. Not to mention, all the other matches in the packet.

33. “To my Valentine, say Yes.”

Valentines-Cards-3

Cupid’s whispering in the woman’s ear. While the guy’s looking at the woman’s back and thinking, “Dat ass.” Though I’m sure she’s got her bustle on.

34. “My heart is like a time bomb…”

Vintage Valentine WTF (9)

Basically ready to burst at any minute. Man, you need to see a doctor. Or the bomb squad.

35. “I’m MUD about you, Valentine!”

Vintage Valentine WTF (14)

This one just has a flower over a smiling puddle of mud. Not sure how they conduct their relationship.

36. You’d have to have good luck with one’s valentine.

Vintage Valentine WTF (23)

Yet, getting hit on the head by a giant horseshoe, not so much. Seriously, you might want to see a doctor about that.

37. She’s so cute even the flies love her.

Vintage Valentine WTF (28)

To be fair, she’s holding toast spread with jelly. Still, you don’t want to attract flies in any capacity.

38. No one likes me. Well, I’ll just eat worms.

Vintage Valentine WTF (29)

How the hell is this a valentine? Also, who the hell eats worms? That’s disgusting.

39. One’s valentine is the light of their life.

Vintage Valentine WTF (33)

Here the cat has a pack of matches and a cigarette. Great way to be a good example to the kids. Not.

40. You’d think Bon Jovi received this valentine.

Vintage Valentine WTF (36)

This one has an arrow through a pillow. And yet, it looks as if it’s bleeding. What the hell?

41. “Picking on you to be my valentine.”

Vintage Valentine WTF (37)

That doesn’t seem to be a good message. Also, the monkey imagery doesn’t seem to help much. Since they fling feces at each other.

42. “I’ll slave for you, Valentine.”

Vintage Valentine WTF (38)

Sad how they make a guy willing to do all the chores as a pathetic loser. But to me, it’s an offer worth considering.

43. Lixie loves her candy sticks.

Vintage Valentine WTF (42)

Though I wonder if she likes something else. Given her suggestive grin at those sticks.

44. He’d like his valentine as a steady diet.

Vintage Valentine WTF (43)

I understand he wants her as his valentine. But the message can also be suggestive of cannibalism in another point of view.

45. He wants to cement his love.

untitled

Yet, he comes with a mixer. Kind of driving the point too close to home. Seriously, we associate cement with Jimmy Hoffa and the mafia for God’s sake.

46. Don’t mind the jerk at the soda counter.

IMG_00011

The soda jerk guy kind of reminds me of a creepy doll in some horror movie. The girl seems like she’s not wanting his attention either.

47. We go together like leeks and fish.

Vintage Valentine WTF (46)

Kind of a rather odd pairing. But as long as they have a good relationship, who’s stopping them.

48. “To my Pin-Up Valentine.”

Vintage Valentine WTF (47)

This alien seems like he’s got some ill intent on his mind. Doesn’t help he’s got gold ears that resemble car horns.

49. Condiment vegetables always belong together.

vintage_valentine_pickle1

Take pickles and cucumbers. Though the pickle is the guy for obvious reasons we best not get into.

50. This cat always prefer girls with cute curls.

vintage-dog-valentine-1-L-Lg3Xhc

Yeah, I know it seems rather strange. Nonetheless, the girl’s wearing a skimpy outfit and the cat seems to like what he sees. Or is it a dog?

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Sixth Edition)

vintage-christmas-card-worth-1542403243

Of course, no one can celebrate Christmas without Christmas cards. After all, it’s probably one of the only holiday greeting cards people still send to each other. Many of them would contain generic images like the bell one above. But they mostly consist of Christmas trees, snowmen, nativity scenes, wreaths, and what not. Many may hold nostalgia for these vintage cards which can be beautifully painted. However, alongside the lovely vintage cards, there are some that don’t seem to make any sense, especially if they come from the Victorian era. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas cards from decades past.

  1.  Santa going down the chimney is always a special treat.
1-SantaChimneySleigh-GraphicsFairy1

Here Santa asks himself, “Why do I have to go down chimneys when it’s more convenient to go through the front door instead? That would at least save me from all the aches and soot all over me.”

2. Santa fills his sack.

2-grandmaspostrcardgfairy

Yet, even though his sack is already full, it won’t be enough. Mostly because he has to deliver presents to millions of kids in one night. And he knows it.

3. Celebrating Christmas alone is always dismal.

08vicardxm08_465_622_int

Hey, the guy didn’t spend Christmas at a Waffle House. Now that’s really depressing, especially if you have to work there.

4. “Here’s Santa.”

8-achristmassantaad001

Well, you can’t expect Santa to wear his iconic red suit every Christmas Eve. This is especially if he suffers a wardrobe malfunction while trying it on.

5. Read the tea leaves for a joyous Christmas.

12vicardxm12_465_469_int

What the hell do tea leaves have to do with Christmas? Any hint here? Seriously, why?

6. Even garden gnomes enjoy building giant snowmen.

13-snowman-gnomes-graphicsfairy002

Just look at one of them slide down. Also, is it really snowing?

7. Watch where you ride your bike this Christmas.

18vicardxm18_465_716_int

Cause you could ride off the edge and end up in the water. So don’t read and drive.

8. No one could resist kids and animals, especially on Christmas.

19-1aaaalchristmgirl007

Here a little girl hangs some green stuff over her dog. The dog isn’t pleased in the very least.

9. Winter time is always the right time for a sled ride.

21-1couplesleding001b

Guy’s probably thinking, “Why did I have to do this? Couldn’t Mabel and I just spend a peaceful afternoon playing backgammon near the fire? I hope we don’t die.”

10. All she wants for Christmas is cash.

24-1luckylady002

Here she’s got bags of it. Must have very wealthy parents. So she won’t have a problem snagging a husband. Even if he’s below her standing.

11. Krampus seeks all the bad kids during the holiday season.

43c0544bff06b3e4997191a56f0f79ac

Yes, he uses a global tracking system to locate them. Hear Donald Trump’s kids are on the top of his list.

12. Krampus abducts the bad kids.

71RLNh8Pl9L

Girl’s like, “Thank you for kidnapping my brother, Krampus. He’s a complete piece of shit.”

13. Don’t forget to hang your stockings close to the fire.

656c6bf37216f9023cb3900ba93f68ca

Though I think that might be too close if you know what I mean. Also, the kids look rather creepy if you ask me.

14. Krampus often appears alongside St. Nick this holiday season.

30440bb3697797b6feae5c8bfa3fc17f

St. Nick gives toys to the good girls and boys. Krampus gives bad kids what they deserve. Yet, both figures act like they’re like seeing kids at the mall for photo ops here.

15. Santa wishes you a Merry Christmas.

742626f0de5b97b942a4eef8b4241452

Okay, that’s a creepy Santa. Not sure if I want to receive toys by that terrifying old man who seems more out for blood than wanting to spread joy and cheer.

16. Don’t be an ass this holiday season.

4704050

What the hell do donkeys have to do with Christmas? I know they’re in nativity scenes but still.

17. May you all have a happy Christmas.

80461986

Unfortunately, these kids don’t seem to be celebrating with joy and cheer. Then again, there was plenty to be blase about in the 1800s.

18. Merry Christmas from the child abducting Snow Queen.

3104178635_96e4afb39e

Kind of reminds me the white witch meeting Edmund. But without the hard drug of Turkish delight, which is crack in Narnia.

19. Everyone knows the little drummer boy. But what of the little shepherd boy?

3114093185_55c4908955

He kind of feels left out in the whole nativity story. Still, the big eyes are kind of creepy. No hard feelings, Margaret Keane.

20. Merry Christmas from the clown and turkey pageant.

A872N2

The turkey reminds me of Doc Brown from Back to the Future. While clown just plain gives me the creeps for some reason.

21. Even cats enjoy the occasional sleigh ride.

bfd9fc1827c1e6a84d9e0e2521828c60

Let’s hope nothing upsets whatever’s in the bag. And I hope the lantern doesn’t set anything on fire.

22. Share a toast for the holidays.

cc7

And yet, this card features children boozing it up. What the fuck? Seriously, these kids seem like they’re a bunch of alcoholics.

23. Here the children watch for Santa by the fireplace.

christmascard4

That kid on the chair reminds me of a weird-looking kid from a Saint Vincent de Paul statue at my college. And yes, the girl’s features are way out of proportion.

24. No one can resist a couple of cats on Christmas.

creepy-victorian-vintage-christmas-cards-15-584aaee6b40f1__700-1

One cat’s like, “How about you wear this white skirt?” While the white cat’s like, “Hell, no, I’ll wear the red one instead.”

25. Kid clown wishes you a merry Christmas.

creepy-victorian-vintage-christmas-cards-18-584ab18e11116__700

Okay, why is the kid in a clown costume around Christmas? Seriously, Halloween was like over a month ago.

26. When Christmas dinner’s done, it’s time to dance.

A Happy Christmas. Victorian greetings card (1881)

And yet, they’re all dressed up in costumes, confused by what holiday this is supposed to be. One’s even dressed as a wizard.

27. Goat wishes you a happy Christmas.

creepy-victorian-vintage-christmas-cards-31-584ab29edca06__700

Just what do goats have to do with Christmas? Seriously, I have no idea. Can someone elaborate for me?

28. Nothing says Christmas like a vegetable beating.

Dt5DmQhW4AAOsLB

Man, can’t believe the early years of Veggie Tales featured such graphic violence. While the carrot’s like, “What the hell are you doing?”

29. On Christmas, some kids get all the presents.

e5856dab20eb83e28114fbd057f881d6

And this kid seems really happy with al the stuff they have. And if you attempt to play with any of their shit, they will kill you.

30. Krampus always has to put the kids in the basket.

enhanced-buzz-19040-1386204240-2

Krampus is like “Stop crying, I don’t have all night here.” While the girl’s just smiling and sitting pretty.

31. Here Krampus flies on his broom of brats.

enhanced-buzz-23905-1386203525-2

Though most of these kids seem under the age of 3. Far too young and innocent to be considered either bad or good.

32. “I’ve come to collect.”

enhanced-buzz-26771-1386203359-1

The kids are like, “Oh, no, please don’t take us. We’ll be good. We swear.”

33. Krampus doesn’t care about pulling a girl’s hair out.

enhanced-buzz-26992-1386204113-5

He’s like, “You don’t want me to yank your hair out, do you. Now get in the basket.”

34. Santa looks at his Christmas orders.

enhanced-buzz-28714-1387217202-18

Here he’s thinking, “Oh, great, Elsa doll again. Can’t these girls ask for anything else like a dollhouse?”

35. Krampus always enjoys his work.

enhanced-buzz-31312-1386194271-25

Indeed, he’s got a sadistic streak. So these kids are in for a world of pain.

36. Why would Santa need a sleigh if he can just fade into the background?

enhanced-buzz-32050-1387223636-27

After all, he’s wearing a red suit that goes with the wall. And he’s about to teleport to the next house.

37. Grasshopper and moth wish you a merry Christmas.

fairy-queens-messenger

Well, the grasshopper’s supposed to be the fairy queen’s messenger. Whatever that’s supposed to be. Seriously, what was this designer smoking?

38. “Who thought getting a flamingo to Santa was a good idea?”

flamingo-1b

Yeah, if you’re a small garden gnome, that’s no a good idea at all. This is especially during the holiday season, especially in Florida after a freak snowstorm.

39. This boy just wants to make it easier for Santa.

funny-vintage-christmas-postcard-kid-santa-rooftop

Seriously, Santa should take advantage of the convenience. The boy’s making him an offer he can’t refuse.

40. “There you are Krampus.”

hA1FE062F

For when you’re adult, you can pull a Krampus like a rabbit out of a hat. So he can’t scare you anymore.

41. Dogs wish you a happy Christmas.

untitled1

Though the puppy looks a bit evil looking. Like it plans on chewing on your new clothes just for the hell of it. Or peeing on your new carpet.

42. Merry Christmas from an attack dog and the donkey that steals your laundry.

r6107_63_d01

Why would anyone hang their clothes on the line in winter? Seriously, that’s the worst time of year to do so.

43. Compliments of the season from the bugs with a basket.

red-bugs

I’m sure whatever’s in the basket isn’t having a good time. Since the bugs intend to feast soon enough.

44. What’s faster the snail or the cockroach?

snail-bugs

The cockroach and butterfly of course. Snails are incredibly slow creatures. Also, why is this a Christmas card?

45. Merry Christmas. Now watch these pigs and gnomes riding bikes.

untitled

Who the hell rides bikes during the winter? Seriously, this is messed up on so many levels.

46. “May Christmas render your heart and home full of happiness.”

untitled2

Featuring a gnome who kind of resembles Santa. But he’s small and near some ivy. Not sure why it’s there.

47. If Krampus comes, helps if you come prepared.

untitled3

Girl’s got her whip in case he comes behind her. She’s not going to risk getting kidnapped. Or at least without a fight.

48. Loving Christmas greetings from a rickshaw.

untitled5

And it has to be the girl who has to do the pulling. Kind of sexist if you ask me.

49. Christmas time is one of cheer.

untitled6.png

Yet, the chick’s not feeling it for this band. Also, shouldn’t this be an Easter card instead? Seriously, why use Christmas?

50. Fish always dig into the soup.

wm-three-fish-1bg

Okay, wonder how they use their fins to hold eating utensils. Seriously, you’d think this was straight out of Spongebob Squarepants.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Sixth Edition)

beatles-cd-two-discs-christmas-time-is-here-again-limited-edition-38

Of course, we can’t have Christmas without all that annoying Christmas music you want to shut yourself away from and can’t avoid. Seriously, even before Thanksgiving, you find it everywhere. But after Thanksgiving, Christmas music is turned up to overdrive. And yes, it’s annoying and will make your ears bleed if you’ve ever had to work in retail. Still, you don’t have to be the artists who recorded them. Since they have to do these while on their summer vacations. Anyway, while some of these covers may be stunning like this Beatles one above, a lot of these aren’t that memorable. In fact, some of them are kind of tacky and in poor taste. Others haven’t aged well and can be rather unintentionally funny. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage Christmas album covers. Enjoy.

  1. Les Menestrels: Tetes Decembrees de Noel
2d4f552177253d4228a87f4ea61d3228

Why is that one head smiling? The woman’s like she’s ready to mount them on her wall with her hunting trophies.

For nothing says Christmas like a blond woman holding 2 disembodied heads.

2. Toby Keith: Classic Christmas

7a521b1839009b36ed23ee6f3aae9334-650-80

Yet, I have no idea why he’s wearing a Santa hat over his cowboy hat. I mean make up your mind already. Also, it’s clearly photoshopped.

Celebrate the season country style.

3. Shelley Duvall: Merry Christmas

23-Shelley-Duvall-630-80

Though I’d rather have them clean my house. Also, are those reindeer or horses?

Featuring cartoon woodland creatures.

4. Dynamite: Dynamite’s Soul Christmas

49a9f8f6c64616f31a086fa920cbfc71

Give him some Jack Daniels whiskey and sandwiches instead. Maybe a few bottles of the former.

Sorry, kids, but Santa’s through milk and cookies this year.

5. 98°: This Christmas

98-degrees_this-christmas

Yet, they must use really good bleach because their outfits stand out more than anything else. Also, clearly photoshopped.

These guys must be dreaming of a white Christmas.

6. Vincent Lopez: Christmas Music

0127ac252cc54353a8ea285299ef2da3

Santa sits back on a plastic chair like he’s drunk off his ass. Also, that chair can’t be very comfortable.

Cause even Santa needs a break now and then.

7. Soulful Dynamics: Dying Snowman

368181f742e9805131392b86547b5ddb

Sure, it would’ve been a decent cover if it wasn’t for the title. Also, the snowman’s face just says it all.

When you want to spice up the holiday season with some existential dread.

8. Los Tremendos Sepultureros; El Nino del Tambor

04880923da57936959907d3f59464a3f

Seriously, why do they have a woman in a sleazy Santa outfit? Now the guys are really anticipating their Christmas lap dance.

For the guy who wants to hold his bachelor party during the holidays.

9. Xmas a Go Go

a37f499402961ccd60ce4422c2c81ff5

Seriously, these guys seem like they’re just doing the album for the money. And that they’d rather be somewhere else like on vacation.

For the J and K pop band who needs a few extra bucks.

10. The Joy Strings: Christmas with the Joy Strings

bad-christmas-album-cover-8

Also, what the hell is that black girl doing here? Does she have a black parent taking the picture? Was she adopted? Or is she there just to bring some mandatory diversity among the kids? Seriously, her appearance needs some context.

Brought to you by one of the guys from Goodfellas.

11. Freunde: Wir Warten Auf Weihnachten

bad-christmas-album-cover-20.jpg

This guy doesn’t seem to like being Santa. Maybe he should throw a toy at the kids. Can start with that plush bunny.

When you have to work as a mall Santa around kids with no consideration for your personal space.

12. Edna Gallix: Petit Papa Disco Hit Noel

bad-xmas-vinyl-2

What the hell is that woman wearing? The cape over the sleeveless outfit doesn’t make much sense to me.

When St. Nick likes what he sees.

13. Cabbage Patch Kids: A Cabbage Patch Christmas

cabbagepatchxmas-A

Yes, these dolls were very popular during the 1980s and 1990s. And no, I have no idea why they’re in the winter cold only wearing sweaters.

Apparently, these dolls can sing.

14. Crazy Frog: “Jingle Bells/Last Christmas”

crazy-frog_jingle-bells

I mean frogs wouldn’t be out during the winter since they’re cold blooded. And they wouldn’t be rolling snowballs without a coat on either.

Well, this frog is sure damn crazy.

15. Diommy Kito: Xmas Memories

dda4014def646b756b86e51276594f32

After all, these guys have devil ears and pitchforks. While the woman between them doesn’t have much on.

You can tell something went naughty at this party.

16. Paul Kuhn and his Orchestra: Christmas Polka

f2a048a7ef798ad7c9a7219fa2d158e7

He seems to have a lot of cans of it, too. Wonder if he’s planning to enter an eating contest.

When you just have to help yourself to some yuletide sausage.

17. Filobin: Filobin Chante Noel

fbebbb237dd0066add2398ba4af97251

Kind of reminds me of Pennywise’s accountant. And ladies, please, don’t take his rose or he will kill you. Mark my words.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you a singing Christmas clown.

18. Ferrante and Teicher: Xmas Hi Fivories

Ferrante Teicher

Though I’m not sure if they know what they’re doing. Also, what’s in that one reindeer’s bucket? It better not be water.

Reindeer repairing pianos standing by.

19. Lula: Natal Alegre

img_1365

You can see how Santa eyes the woman with a pervy stare. I’m sure Mrs. Claus won’t be happy about this.

Apparently, Santa digs chicks with pink hair.

20. King Diamond: No Presents for Christmas

KingDiamond-NoPresentsForChristmas

And apparently, the reindeer doesn’t seem to appreciate it. Least of all posing with a guy from a KISS cover band.

Don’t forget to decorate your reindeer this Christmas.

21. Lady Gaga: A Very Gaga Holiday

lay-gaga_a-very-gaga-holiday

Since the text seems to run into her picture. For God’s sake, you can barely see the title.

Sometimes the font seemed like a good idea at the time.

22. Lynn Anderson: The Christmas Album

Lynn Anderson

Yeah, her face just seems like she’s smiling but has feelings of anxiety and annoyance inside. And she’s getting impatient.

When you pose for an album that you do because you’re under contract.

23. Mambo Santa Mambo: Christmas from the Latin Lounge

music-1712

Yet, the dancers are shown in yellow light with some dark shadows. While the woman’s dress opens quite high on her thigh.

Christmas time is always great for a mambo.

24. The Roller Disco Orchestra: Non-Stop Christmas Disco

R-3240203-1392479742-8530.jpeg

And yes, some guys are dancing to it. Still, I don’t get the Christmas disco craze. Seriously, why?

For when your Christmas can’t get more 1970s.

25. Rod Stewart: Merry Christmas, Baby

rod-stewart-merry-christmas-baby

Still, the album image and title might appeal to Boomers, I don’t consider Rod Stewart as sexy at any rate. For God’s sake he sounds like he has throat cancer.

For when you record a Christmas album to prove you still got it.

26. Rolf Harris: Rolf Harris Sings Mary’s Boy Child

ROLF_HARRIS_SINGS+MARYS+BOY+CHILD-384875

Sure dad and child look at the nativity lamp. But I’m sure if I’d trust the guy with that kid. Kind of seems creepy.

Of course, you can’t forget the reason for the season.

27. Connie Canuso: Connie Canuso Sings “Someone Painted Rudolph’s Nose a Chocolate Brown”

rudolph

Girl seems freaked out by the fact. Still, that reindeer in this cover looks incredibly terrifying for some reason.

So does make Rudolph having to function as a normal reindeer?

28. Natal Jovem: Boas Festas

scan0083-500x512

Well, they’re bodies and heads seem quite close together that it’s freakish. Also, their eyes are rather funny.

Brought to you by a freaks 3 headed Santa.

29. Shonen Knife: A Shonen Knife Christmas Record for You

shonenknifechristmasrecordforyouaoweijflaksjdlfjasd_465_465_int

Yes, there’s a group called Shonen Knife. There are even lyrics for “Space Christmas,” which I really don’t want to listen to.

Dress styles inspired by Mondrian.

30. Jularbo: Jul med Jularbo

Strange Christmas Album Cover (2).jpeg

One of the accordion players is alleged to be the father of Weird Al Yankovic. But as of now, that theory is inconclusive. Still, one accordion is enough, okay?

Introducing 3 Santas playing polka.

31. James Brown: James Brown’s Funky Christmas

video_image-238037

For an artist as legendary as James Brown, you’d think he’d have the best album cover designer. This seems more straight out of some software printshop program from the 2000s.

Cover by dated graphics program.

32. Larry the Cable Guy: Christmastime in Larryland

video_image-238059

And he’s wearing a Santa hat over a camo hat. Still, the smiling disembodied head just freaks me out.

Featuring Larry’s disembodied head.

33. Lawrence Welk: “Jingle Bells”

wpid-wp-1418074254276

After all, the parents are in their pajamas and giving the ornaments a shine. And I thought I had a problem with procrastination.

Apparently, this family was quite late decorating their Christmas tree.

34. Merle Haggard: Merle Haggard’s Christmas Present

wpid-wp-1418074314542

One daughter has a wide collar on her red dress. One seems dressed like Waldo in coveralls. While a boy’s got stripes on a real tacky brown shirt.

Here with his guitar and embarrassed that he’s one of the only member of his family normally dressed.

35. Ames Brothers: The Sounds of Christmas Harmony

wpid-wp-1418074326936

The dad’s touching the boy’s shoulder and I’m not sure whether it’s appropriate. Probably is. Also, I don’t think the mom should hold the candle that way.

The family that sings carols together stays together.

36. Los Diplmaticos: Navidades

wpid-wp-1418074345239

Actually, people would rather you not. Since they’d rather get drunk, eat, socialize, or open presents. Mostly the last one.

I’m sure everyone wants to hear your sax solo at the Christmas party.

37. Gary Glitter: Another Rock and Roll Christmas

wpid-wp-1418074451828

I’m sure that’s just a coincidence. Still, the outfit and hair are so 1970s. Also, he got involved in a sexual misconduct charge involving minors.

Is it just me or does he remind me of Dewey Cox from Walk Hard?

38. Celine Dion: Chantes et contes de Noel

wpid-wp-1418074474514

Yet, you’d almost think the kids surrounding her are ready to crush her. Wonder if she can get out of there in one piece.

Guess this was for a French Candian audience.

39. Heinjte: Weihnachten mit Heinjte

wpid-wp-1418074510097

Though the cover’s clearly photoshopped. Also, his eyes kind of reveal that he doesn’t want to be there.

Apparently, one’s never too young to celebrate Christmas solo.

40. Tino Rossi: “C’est la Belle Nuit de Noel.”

wpid-wp-1418074674165

Well, some kid took his beard. Still, doesn’t seem too fazed over it. Maybe French kids think about Santa differently. But the teddy bear thinks otherwise.

“Hey, you’re not Santa.”

41. Baldo: Petit Pepe Noel

wpid-wp-1418074693935

Yet, there’s one guy who seems rather excited by the upcoming Christmas bar drinking. The other guys play it cool.

“Christmas beer for everyone.”

42. Jimmy Jules and the Nuclear Soul System: Christmas Done Got Funky

wpid-wp-1419242174422

Not sure if that’s a good idea. This is especially if the only white guy bears a slight resemblance to Steve Buscemi.

Apparently, they decided to go shirtless for the cover.

43. The Lundstroms: Colorado Christmas

xmas-album-11

Since all the women and girls in this obviously have their hair styled in some unnatural way. Kind of reminds me of pictures you’d see on Awkward Family Photos.

Brought to you by copious amounts of hairspray.

44. Jimmy Sturr and His Orchestra: “Polka Christmas” in My Home Town

xmas-album-13-1024x1024

He also wears a black shirt with a pink sweater. And he doesn’t care the least. Nor does he mind the godawful upholstery.

Here Jimmy spends Christmas all by himself being the true loner he is.

45. La Tuna Estudiantina de Cayey

xmas-album-14-1021x1024

The lollipops look like they’re eaten. While the snowmen have no personality.

Featuring candy snowmen and candy canes.

46. Merry Christmas

xmas-album-cover42

The red background doesn’t do any wonders for them. Also what are those ball gift things?

When you want to look cool for the holidays but fail.

47. We Wish You a Merry Christmas

0dc949531d07835b524e4e587d60f00b-650-80

Apparently some are wearing leis. Did they do this photo op while on a Hawaii vacation? Or did some wear whatever they had on at the time?

Featuring all the artists who were under Warner Brothers contracts.

48. Three Suns: Christmas Party

23-3

Even the illustrated bird is like, “what the hell, man.” Yeah, it’s quite strange looking isn’t it?

And one that seems to go with formal attire in ornaments.

49. Alvin Styczynski: Alvin’s Christmas Album

529f7fc1e6ab6f4118ffcf09a7bf66fc

You know the guy who thinks he’s such a great musician but will never leave. Because the music industry is a cutthroat business that only values looks.

Featuring music by that guy you know in accounting.

50. Jim Jones & Skull Gane: A Tribute to Bad Santa

cover

One guy sits on a throne with Jack Daniels and a cigar. While the other guys are behind sacks. Or are they in them?

You mean the forgettable film starring Billy Bob Thornton?

Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Vintage Christmas Advertising of Yesterday (Sixth Edition)

Christmas-Subway-Alt-e1354808663893.jpg

Since Halloween, you find the media practically saturated with Christmas advertising. After all, a tradition of gift giving presents a major capitalistic opportunity no corporation can refuse. So much so that Christmas commercials appear to air in September and you may see Christmas stuff in stores before October’s done. Of course, vintage Christmas advertising was also just as infectious in our public life. I mean how was Dr. Seuss able to create the Grinch? Anyway, out of the Christmas ads that’ll inspire nostalgia, there are some that haven’t aged well that they can sometimes be hilarious. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas vintage ads that will make you scratch your head. Enjoy.

  1. Santa and the Quaker Oats man sit at the fire.
0b0e56da81f365fc11b215afe8763873

Santa’s like, “Are you sure you didn’t put anything in these cookies?” And the Quaker Oats guy is like, “Uh, these are from an old family recipe” with a rather mischievous smirk. Meanwhile little Jimmy watches the whole thing go down.

2. Your little girl would like this any of these baby dolls.

0bbd88d9095c7566a687c0ec6b757f49

I suppose they’re much better looking when you see them in person. Because these dolls come across as incredibly creepy to say the least.

3. Support the war effort. Buy Victor Records.

2c98788177ca975edd27626b013705f8

Though having a record shaped Santa kind of disturbs me. But he doesn’t seem to care.

4. Can’t find a gift? Tom Smith’s Novelties has you covered.

2F94EE1500000578-3371891-image-a-14_1450881662806

Not sure if I should delight in Santa’s smile. It’s like he has, “I see you when you’re sleeping” look that’s freaking me out.

5. Santa Claus soap will keep clothes clean.

5fe62b24b0ec5250fb3f4ad55129bd8a

That girl looks kind of weird like her head’s not in proportion to her body. Kind of reminds me of a statue I saw at St. Vincent.

6. Campbells adds minutes to busy Christmas shopping days.

7ae838795ca9cb724abdd963ee9ff5f2

After all, you need to settle down the little psychos somehow. The boy seems like he wants a carving knife and a BB gun to torture his neighbor’s cat.

7. Make gifts gay the easy way with Texcel Christmas gift tape.

10a28e542a318dcd65e6af3a1226aa53

Really? I thought it was wrapping gifts in flashy wrapping paper that screams something Elton John would use. You might also want to add flamboyant sunglasses.

8. Nothing beats Sealtest Egg Nog.

10c60a4ea3c64523054efb80430a4289

Santa, you have a very busy night. So you might want to drink to much. Don’t want to drink and sleigh ride, right?

9. Reynolds aluminum gift wrap gives Christmas color magic.

89b25e43029cdf53ea5a452984e36eca

Woman marvels on how the presents are wrapped. The guy stands in his robe with a pipe all proud of himself. Though do we really react like that do wrapping paper? No.

10. Seems like GE fridges are really popular this year.

323xmas-770x1024

Santa is nearly up to his knees in letters. Despite that fridges can last for a very long time. Also, I wonder why Santa isn’t this stressed more often.

11. This Christmas take some Santa Claus sugar plums.

800px-Santa_Claus_Sugar_Plums,_1868

This Santa seems less like the jolly fat guy we know and love. And more like a grumpy trucker who’d rather do anything else than deliver presents to kids on Christmas Eve.

12. Need a break during the busy holiday season? Give the kids some soup for lunch.

828ef808d1506bbb41dbe12d912dc7fa

Mom’s a bit stressed by all the Christmas shopping. Her daughter’s just daydreaming about breaking Billy’s legs over winning a penmanship award at school.

13. Best you skip the cookies this year and give Santa some jello instead.

907c780ce33b451a7404d17b23daa6b4

Yet, Santa peeks under the table to find a sleeping child. Still, the jello would’ve melted by the time he came.

14. This Christmas, Lucky Strike has you covered.

920x920

Because nothing says Christmas like the gift of lung cancer. Also you’ll age terribly and die early, too.

15. Give her the gift of leisure during our Christmas sale.

1939-premier-vacuum-copy1-400x518

Sorry, but I can’t buy her smile. Vacuums are noise machines. Also, is that a curtain or a fire.

16. Talkative Baby Beans is the hot toy of the season.

1472e7a503238f2d0ce7d84f98fc3cd4

Sure, she may seem innocent. But when you’re asleep, she’ll grab a knife and try to kill you in your sleep. Don’t believe me?

17. Remington Portable is a gift inspiring gratitude.

1925_12_05-1591-400x520

I don’t know about you, but this Santa’s really weird looking. As if he’s a space alien in an ill-fitting human disguise suit.

18. The whole family wants this Dayton Koolfoam pillow.

2307b919507d1c95c13606348f3db6ff

Didn’t know foam pillows existed back then. Yet, I wonder if any in the family will eventually fight over that thing once Christmas is over.

19. Give him shaving pleasure with Gillette.

106187b6832312206e2bb04d762128b8--shaving-set-wet-shaving

Here Santa holds a giant razor that he’ll never use for his own beard. But he does put it on the sleigh that he uses as a snow plow sometimes.

20. Stay young at heart with Watkins Vitamins.

491023c1f7b55a9257b8481d3f21c040

How can a whole family fit on a sled light that? Also, what’s the weight limit? Oh, and watch out for that tree straight ahead.

21. Kris Jingle’s Wonderland of Gifts has everything you need for the season.

655138f1d6ef46f668100bdde7d3a73f

And no, despite what the ad says, that plush toy is not “lovable.” In fact, it’s kind of terrifying.

22. Geoffrey the Giraffe’s having some trouble with the tree.

4844732ca09162f0896fde6a8c198034

He doesn’t seem too happy in his Santa outfit. Unfortunately, Toys “R” Us will end up declaring bankruptcy thanks to private equity. It’s a sad story.

23. Vincent Price selects this ornament set for you.

5915f7453a92fa54cf4fea4f7b639009

I wouldn’t take Christmas advice from Vincent Price. Besides, Christmas isn’t really his holiday, going by the kind of movies he’s done.

 

24. Give her the best. Give her a Hoover.

4159629251_d959c9ea9e_o

Absolutely not. Seriously, no woman wants a vacuum for Christmas. And if I got one from my husband, I’m not sure what I’d do.

25. Create holiday candy fantasies with Karo Syrup.

14516232826_6c9c0f7c1e_b.jpg

Ugh. Those candies look pretty disgusting. Also, who the hell puts peppermint in popcorn?

26. Santa falls off his sleigh and lands in a convertible.

a6a06583adad19633ac3388e5893e674

For Christ’s sake, that’s just really dangerous. Seriously, why would Santa do this? I mean he could be killed for God’s sake. Also, is that car moving?

27. Borden’s eggnog hits the spot.

a8b23152c209d9532bc8231f08ff891f

You can tell because the cow is totally wasted. I mean look at her face.

28. Now that you found the perfect tree, put the perfect gift under it.

adcba995c3c44b90aaff8a8be2a874a5

Uh, how big is this guy’s house? Seriously, he must have skyscraper high ceilings because that tree looks so freaking huge. Then again, he might use it for the outdoors.

29. This Christmas, give someone the gift of Gab.

b3d614040c6884ed17e9e943ed843f38

Actually, these phones won’t do you any good in the 21st century unless your giftee liked antiques. Since they’re basically obsolete.

30. Need a boost in Christmas preparations. Try Borden’s instant coffee.

b4a0134998bf10a54f7afad8a6b83327

You mean they made coffee, too? Also, she seems to host a party with a lot of smaller people there.

31. Celebrate the season with Johnny Walker Red.

b25e6e08dacc7e8000a45011ea7bd1dd

Here he’s trying out his Santa suit. The pants are too big for him. Still, not in front of the kids.

32. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer wants you to buy GE appliances.

53045336d490945c39fb2ea7bd845440

Yet, they have Stan the Snowman near a toaster oven. You know what happens to snow when it’s near a heat source.

33. Santa goes for Whitman’s chocolates.

d499bcd1b9097036e57777fde0b3c27f

There’s something disturbing about Santa here. As if he’s hogging the candy for himself. Seriously, Santa, those are supposed to be for the kids.

34. Nintendo sends high-powered greetings.

Dtv6_73UUAAS7kx

And yes, their sleigh’s powered by rockets. Shove it, flying reindeer. This is the future.

35. You can take a White Horse anywhere. Even the North Pole.

e7c2b87a4e77ead85b56d608fe9871a5

But that doesn’t mean a white horse will fit in among the reindeer. Sorry, Shadowfax. I know how you’ve been struggling with employment since Gandalf left for the Gray Havens.

36. Thirst knows no season.

e8c30e3c312157bf3448c4028f427b2d

Still, I don’t think those pants will keep you warm in the snow when you’re out skiing. Sher may be even possibly drunk. Also, her scarf looks way too long.

37. Edison Christmas lights are perfectly safe.

ecab24042d52ec47b2aaf0d2878fbe6b

Santa’s like, “I haven’t seen these lights before.” Still, considering that these lights produce no smell, smoke, or grease, what were people lighting their trees with before electric lights came in? Oh, gas or candles. That explains it.

38. Anyone want a fruitcake?

f0f3e804ef63d107e269cdf2d12522b9

On second thought, kill this terrifying creature. Kill it with fire. Seriously, that thing just freaks me out and belongs in a horror movie as the character killing everyone.

39. Prince Albert always makes a great gift for smokers.

f83a7cd9647d4c5a15669f82f5136751

Seriously, Santa? It doesn’t. Prince Albert is tobacco. Tobacco causes cancer and kills people. For God’s sake, don’t give anyone tobacco products on Christmas.

40. Nothing makes a Christmas like getting a Harley Davidson motorcycle.

harley

Apparently, this garden gnome seems to think so. Also, motorcycles don’t make great gifts. They’re expensive, guzzle gas, and give riders some crazy fantasies that automatically scream either safety hazard or midlife crisis.

41. This Christmas, give your loved ones a Kodak Pocket.

il_570xN.1746414633_rco7

It’s one thing for Santa to see you when you’re sleeping. It’s a who other ball came for Santa to take pictures of you. God, he looks incredibly creepy. Please don’t let him in.

42. Peace is a gift to the nation.

peace-to-the-nation

Seems like Santa, Uncle Sam, and the WWI soldier are sitting on top of each other. Considering Santa’s weight, I don’t think that’s great for Uncle Sam or the other guy.

43. This season, send your child a personalized letter from Santa.

SantaLetter

I know this is a web ad. But the Santa here just seems kind of freaky. Also, many kids will recognize their parents’ handwriting.

44. Santa is swamped with toaster orders this year.

toeastmaster santa ad

You can see the tired look on his face. Still, toasters can also last a pretty long time. So everyone wanting one in one year doesn’t seem to make sense.

45. Open the wrapper and cookies fly out.

Vintage Christmas Advertisements from the 1940s (1)

These chef guys appear to be fighting over what was in that package. Yet, why they wear chef’s hats and tuxedos, I don’t have the slightest idea.

46. Try some long-lasting Rowntrees fruit gums.

Vintage Christmas Advertisements from the 1940s (2)

Okay, that kid with the crown’s giving me nightmares. Seriously, his eyes suggest that he died inside a long time ago, especially since he’s just a disembodied head.

47. With car seating like this, your little one will fall fast asleep.

Vintage Christmas Advertisements from the 1940s (23)

The adults are like, “She’s asleep. Let’s put her in the garage, tie her up, and ask for a ransom from her wealthy parents. We’ll be so rich.”

48. Chesterfields are always a fine gift for the season.

vintage-christmas-cigarette-ad-30

No, Santa, they are not. Smoking is very bad for you. It causes cancer and kills people. For God’s sake, tobacco use is a public health crisis.

49. Nothing makes a man excited like a bottle of Guinness in his stocking.

vintage-old-advertising-adertisements-christmas-funny-xmas-santa-017

Apparently, this seems like an adult’s fantasy Christmas. Kids get excited by toys. Adults want cash, booze, clothes, and useful things they don’t have to pay for.

50. Need a gift idea? Try giving Lucky Strikes.

Weird-Vintage-Christmas-Ads-17

Because no gift keeps giving like lung cancer, COPD, and heart disease. Seriously, you’re giving them an early death. Don’t do it.

51. Make your Christmas the brightest with GE.

D49

Here Santa surfs on a large Christmas light. But when it’s out, all the lights are out.

52. When your boyfriend gives you a gift you’re not sure you like.

0b3a92458b014692622012885c1cf85c

She got cosmetics but they weren’t her brand. But she makes out with her boyfriend to show her appreciation anyway.

53. Gillette brings speedy Christmas shaving.

1_jvIaYVIulqR29bCOulXpdQ

Uh, Santa doesn’t shave his beard, doesn’t he? Also, I’m not sure if I’m creeped out by his smile.

54. Couples should always decorate for Christmas together.

2af65782392b1897462ffcffa90ed1f9

Yet, why do they have to hang a wreath while in stylish evening wear. And right before visitors arrive, too. Why?

55. “A Charlie Brown Christmas” is brought to you by Dolley Madison and Coca Cola.

74c1423cf958631b381487b0a248cee2

Uh, doesn’t “A Charlie Brown Christmas” criticize yuletide commercialization? Good grief.

56. Santa Claus gives out the candy.

240cdee02eb52aa4169029f39e778c74

Apparently, Santa doesn’t seem too happy about this. Since he wants all the candy to himself.

57. Guys will love these interwoven socks.

1948-m-interwoven-socks-copy1-400x511

Despite that plain white socks will do just fine. In fact, he’ll probably prefer them anyway. Compared to these fancy colors and patterns.

58. “Now that’s my new favorite camel.”

paul_jones_xmas3

Apparently, this camel talks when the guy’s near the liquor store. Also this is for whiskey.

59. This Christmas treat your man right to 4 Roses.

1952-four-roses-whiskey-ad-any-man-s-doorway

Unless he’s going through a 12 step. Nonetheless, this suggests that if you want to make your man happy, give him booze. Kind of sexist if you think about it.

60. This Christmas get Howard Zink car seat covers.

63d566c1c397686aa55fd99c83b538a2

Available in red. Still, this cover is really ugly come to think of it. Seems more like a couch mated with a suitcase.

61. This Christmas, give her the gift she’ll never forget.

4204109182_822ebc8546

A Cadillac, everyone. Recommended as a gift by sugar daddies to their gorgeously kept women.

62. Calvert Reserve makes a great adult stocking stuffer.

l-tux1idrxwcib9m

Actually it’s whiskey so may not be good for an AA member. Also, never get a puppy for Christmas. It’s at least a 10 year commitment.

63. It’s always fun to ride the New York Central on Christmas.

NYCFun64

Actually, Christmas travel isn’t really that fun. Also, Santa, you don’t touch kids that way. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?

64. Women love a Santa who gives them lingerie.

Christmas Ads From LIFE Magazine in the 1950s (19)

Are they kissing a man or each other? If a man, is it the same man? If the same man, please keep as far apart from each other as possible.

65. Nothing beats better holiday underwear than Fruit of the Loom.

untitled

This one depicts 3 men and a boy in their underwear. Which would never happen under normal circumstances anywhere. Please let them be family.

66. Keep her young and pretty with an electric massage vibrator this Christmas.

vibratorlarge

This is a beauty product that’s incredibly expensive. But modern women don’t use vibrators as beauty enhancements these days.

67. Santa pops out from the boxes.

7f6d231abe0bcd19ffdaeb608614d857--christmas-ad-christmas-graphics

For one, how is that possible? Second, why does that woman seem more intrigued than frantically running to the door?

68. Don’t miss the fun of smoking this Christmas.

tobacco-ads4

For the fun is only fleeting until one of you gets cancer and dies. Seriously, better to miss the fun smoking. Even with Pall Mall or any brand.

69. Attention men, give your wife a dishwasher for Christmas this year.

Dec-1966-Attention-men-Get-her-a-dishwasher-for-Christmas-750x1554

Well, that’s definitely a good idea. But does the pitch have to be this sexist?

70. Who needs mistletoe when you have Johnny Walker Red?

xmas-advert-1974

Okay, this one has a lot of very unfortunate implications. Then again, it might depend who’s receiving it, which is probably a man. But I don’t like where this is going.

The Dark Scary World of Vintage Halloween Costumes (Fifth Edition)

26-Best-Vintage-Halloween-Costumes-Inspiration11

For some mysterious reason, old vintage Halloween pictures seem to be a lot creepier for some reason. Maybe it’s the black and white photography. Maybe it’s how the costumes were made. Maybe it’s their conception of scary. I don’t know. Still, when you look at them, they’re bound to freak you out and give you nightmares for weeks to come. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of nightmarish vintage Halloween costumes. Sweet dreams.

  1.  She’s all dressed in ready for the spiderweb ball.
26-Best-Vintage-Halloween-Costumes-Inspiration19

So is this how they dressed for Halloween during the 18th century? Or did people during the 18th century not celebrate it?

2. Now, everyone, smile for the camera.

1.-MSS_577_B001_F013_I0i012-Halloween-1914

Man, I don’t think the guy dressed as a Native American would fly today. Also, some of the masks are quite terrifying.

3. I’m sure this witch is kind to her animals.

1b7bee6f0211a7d07e1f07749a24e54b

Yet, I’m not exactly sure by the grin on her face. Also, that cat looks like it’s stuffed.

4. The kitchen staff can be such animals.

1f946fa84137df85775134ac2bbf50d8

Okay, I don’t want to go in there. For all I know they could be cooking some of Hannibal Lecter’s best known recipes.

5. We all have our bad hair days.

2c8c4fe66e5685a10a1d30253c82983b

Yet, she could use a full-on makeover. Then again, witches don’t care much about their looks, anyway.

6. Even a ghostly skeleton seeks to pick up chicks.

6ca9534ada2d387dfe6b5d8623d4f629

I’m sure this version of Ghost doesn’t contain the iconic pottery wheel scene. In fact, I don’t think they’ll be making love to “Unchained Melody” anytime soon either.

7. You’d think this lady was batty.

7ede295f5bc076ce95d99de4cfeb302f

Yes, she’s in a sexy bat costume. But her dress doesn’t make much sense to me, save for fanservice.

8. Perhaps buying your costume isn’t as great as it seems.

16

Yeah, the masks look kind creep thanks to black and white photography. Still, the one with the leopard print doesn’t seem to have a face.

9. Want to dress as a sexy ghost? Just put a white bag on your head.

370

You could never pull this kind of costume in PA. Mainly because the weather’s under 50 degrees by this point.

10. May I present to you the 19th century version of the Village People.

742e0ff915b17ff02b42493818380e98

As you can see, they’re not exactly a lively bunch. In fact, they seem more likely to kill you in your sleep.

11. What a couple of babies.

33360e2a302dc923b36a3da2a6ca715a--creepy-vintage-vintage-halloween

Okay, these two look too big to be babies. Yet, their masks can just scare the living shit out of you.

12. You might fly with these Peter Pan costumes.

092519_vintage-disney-halloween-roundup-0-780x440-1569447014

These are actually really terrifying. And it really says a lot since Peter Pan is an incredibly creepy movie.

13. Here you see Spiderman and Batman hang out with Colonel Sanders.

slide_255991_1627296_free

What a way to show a good example to kids, superheroes. Of course, masked vigilantism doesn’t help either.

14. How about you hang near the car?

84025916

That duck mask is frightening. Then again, the chicken mask may even be scarier.

15. Hope the trick-or-treaters can make themselves comfortable.

285050908_ced3a05e9b_o

Okay, those vintage costumes are actually scarier in color. Even in regards to Princess Aurora, Casper, and Snoopy.

16. These kids are just resting on the grass.

412286099_o1-600x332

These masks are incredibly terrifying. Don’t look now, but I think these kids are devising ways to kill neighbors who don’t give them candy.

17. Have fun trick-or-treating, kids.

2940565506_6d38cbca8e_b

Apparently, someone managed to make Spiderman and the Lone Ranger scary. While the Wolf man seems kind of lame.

18. That’s an odd looking giraffe.

455708056018727728

Since the giraffe is made out of paper. Still, wonder how the girl can see in it.

19. Beware of the chicken boy.

b49cea7f23171477fcd4feeb7dd9d9d6

I don’t know why the kid just stick around transfixed on the chicken. When the girl should be running away screaming for her dear life.

20. These two are just walking the street on their Halloween haunt.

b79b282cadea6a1cfdd629749c78a02a

The witch seems like she’s wearing Groucho Marx glasses without the mustache. But it should be the ghost that really scares us.

21. You might want to get away from the monster behind you.

b657d599790422dd94e880663dbb139c--halloween-photos-vintage-halloween

That’s Frankenstein’s monster attacking that boy. And I’m sure the boy might need another pair of pants.

22. Sorry to crash a medieval plague doctors meeting.

c1fae1c9bb70b8f295bc90277ee41e94

Since they’re all wearing bird masks and cloaks. Still, if it was the 1300s, we’d wonder how many of them will be left next year.

23. You’d think this is an odd-looking bird.

cardboard1

Well, it’s a cardboard costume. But it kind of looks eerie in black and white photography.

24. Beware of the little red devil.

devilmaskk

I’m sure this kid is all right. But the costume makes him seem like a little terror out of hell.

25. A mother sits with her strangely dressed children.

gallery-1508177568-gettyimages-550151771

Two of them are supposed to be dwarfs, I think. One’s a cowboy. And one’s the Monopoly Man. But all seem rather dead inside.

26. This woman just wears a dress, mask, and cone hat.

girl-in-a-halloween-costume-in-1928-ontario-canada-414x640

Wearing that, you’d think she was on her way to a cult meeting. But she has a pumpkin on her dress.

27. These four just hang around the front door.

Creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-5

But look at their masks and you don’t want them in your house. Seriously, they make Freddy Krueger look like a character on Sesame Street.

28. You wouldn’t want to run into this little clown at night.

halloween-costumes3

Wonder if this is a childhood photo of Pennywise the Clown. I mean he had to be a child somehow.

29. Here a ghost emerges from the bushes.

halloween-costumes22

Let’s hope he didn’t make it from some Klan robe. Because they were a thing back in the Gilded Age and 1920s.

30. This doesn’t seem like a fun Halloween party.

Vintage_40ccb2_6430304

Consists of a scary clown and two very offensive stereotypes. For God’s sake it was the early 1900s. Times were really racist.

31. Well, this seems like a strange horse race.

il_570xN.869778560_szvv

Yes, you see people sharing horse costumes. One guy has very little legs like Lord Farquad.

32. Don’t hitch a ride with these masked men.

original

Since they’ll take you to an undisclosed location. Then they’ll kill you and rip you to pieces.

33. Who knows what this clown will do to these two women.

Scary-Vintage-Clown-Halloween-Costume

Yeah, I get that he’s wearing a tall hat. But I think after this picture was taken, the two women were never seen again.

34. The skull person is within the living room.

scary-vintage-halloween-creepy-costumes-114-57fc8e918e308__605

Indeed, they’re not scaring anyone. But in time, they will chase teenagers with a knife once it gets dark.

35. Each trick-or-treater shall receive a large pumpkin bag.

slide_255991_1627584_free

The devil and Raggedy Ann masks will haunt your dreams. The cat, not so much.

36. Sometimes a white mask is all you need.

Spooky_Styles_of_Halloween_Costumes_from_a_Century_Ago_(1)

She’s even on roller skates. That means she can go after you with a knife faster. Except on the stairs.

37. Are those kids or ventriloquist dummies?

stuffyoushouldknow-14-2013-09-vintage-halloween17

Well, they could be kids wearing masks. Yet, they don’t really seem very lifelike to me. Something’s off here.

38. The light’s quite misty, isn’t it?

stuffyoushouldknow-14-2013-09-vintage-halloween55

One of the revelers reminds me of an undead muppet. Another has a rather creepy clown face.

39. Apparently, someone’s fallen into a creepy cult ritual.

tumblr_nebmpwvXFe1rhhnauo1_500

These women wear dresses with markings on them. But they must dance around two virgins before they sacrifice them to their blood hungry god.

40. A witch stands with her cat.

untitled1

She seems rather lonely. Mostly because everyone’s frightened of her. And her cat’s plush, I think.

41. These two seem like a rather odd couple.

untitled3

One wears a mask with make while looking dashing in a top hat and coat. The other wears a mask and a dress.

42. Here’s a friendly guy you’d meet in the park.

Vintage_9ba841_6430304

Kind of reminds me of the guy kicked off The Muppet Show. Since he often gave kids candy from his windowless van. Or so I heard.

43. Care to see the clown in the corner?

Vintage_54b346_6430304

On second thought, I’ll pass on that one. Don’t want to be found near the river with an ax in my back.

44. Don’t you ever refuse to give these kids candy.

Vintage_c54189_6430304

Because if you do, they will kill you. Even if you honestly ran out, they will still slay you. So please have candy ready for them.

45. Sandra finds romance on Planet of the Apes.

vintage-halloween-7-850x633

“Come to me, you damn dirty ape. Send me to your monkey bar sex dungeon.”

46. Don’t you dare cross this masked maid.

vintage-halloween-630x387

Mess with her and she’ll make sure you pay with your life. And she’ll make you pay.

47. You might enjoy this jolly clown.

Vintage-halloween-costume

Okay, this clown is terrifying. Avoid him like the plague if you value your life.

48.  You’d swear you’ve seen these trick-or-treaters from space.

Vintage-Halloween-Costume1-630x435

These costumes are quite frightening. Yet, the astronaut has to wear a rocket shaped mask for some reason.

49. “Come and play with us, Danny.”

vintage-halloween-costumes16

Those princess masks are guaranteed to give you nightmares. Will certainly haunt your dreams.

50. Perhaps you might enjoy a couple of sisters.

vintage-halloween-costumes-19

One doesn’t pretend not to care. The other’s thinking about skinning the neighbor’s cat.

51. Make sure your stick matches your masks.

vintage-halloween-costumes-1930s-7

Though each one is just as scary. And the kids in the back certainly know it.

52. Looks like the Turnip ghost caused some scares.

wp-content2Fuploads2F20142F102FHalloween-costumes-1.jpg2Foriginal

The woman is freaking out. The guy is splayed on the floor. Wonder if this is some horror cosplay scene.

53. Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you can’t be Batman.

Z0SQXrk

Well, she’s an early incarnation of Batwoman. But what am I kidding? Batman wasn’t around yet.

54. Well, we’ve got a couple of lone rangers.

zorro-lone-ranger-1950s-halloween-costumes

Actually, one’s supposed to be Zorro. But they will strike if not given candy for trick-or-treating.

55. “Won’t you come and spoon with me?”

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-spoon

Oh, hell no. For God’s sake I’m not that desperate for cuddles.

56.  “I’m just a little school girl.”

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-hair

I don’t know about you. But that’s a dude who looks like a lady to me. Possible ancestor of Steve Tyler from Aerosmith.

57. “Get off my lawn, you brats!”

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-man

For if you don’t, he’ll run you down and cut you up in his basement. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

58. Watch out for the locker room ghosts.

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-bags

Of course, they probably didn’t have the time and resources for a full sheet. So they used pillow cases instead. One even has a black bag.

59. “I shall call him, Mini Me.”

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-boys

These two wear the same cone black hats. The smaller boy is pure evil.

60. I give you, the Elephant Man.

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-elephant-man

Okay, that’s kind of insensitive. Joseph Merrick deserves more dignity than that. Then again, he probably doesn’t know anything about Merrick.

61. Send in the big clowns.

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-large-men

On second thought, do clowns really need to be inflated. That just makes them scarier.

62. “Are you comfortable, madam?”

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-mouse

This mouse seems rather hospitable to that girl. Don’t really want to what kind of relationship they have.

63. “Let’s just watch that house burn.”

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-overexposure

These masks are so terrifying even if they’re supposed to be dolls and clowns. And I’m sure they just set a house on fire.

64. Clown or space alien? You decide.

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-tall

Actually, she’s probably dressed like a clown. But her tall hat totally seems like it’s from another planet.

65. These two always stick together.

creepy-vintage-halloween-costumes-twins

Mostly because they’re dressed as co-join twins. They do a lot together, including murder.

66. “Want to join us at the farm?”

90

They’re all decked in their pajamas like they’re having a slumber party. Though I’ll pass on this one.

67. This black cat lingers in the alley.

901

Sure they may look scary. But the 2019 trailer to Cats just makes it look tame in comparison.

68. Hello boys and girls, it’s Beppo the clown.

s-l400

For God’s sake, kill this infernal creature with fire. Before he kills somebody or gets in a daycare center.

69. Don’t want to run into these monsters even on a good day.

5380fadd8d3aea945607828307880306

They’re just kids in Halloween costumes. But the masks are simply spooky.

70. Don’t mess with these clown ladies.

26-Best-Vintage-Halloween-Costumes-Inspiration24

Mock their circus act and I swear they will rain fire and terror on you. Or they’ll just kill you in your sleep.

71. Skull girl just loves hanging among the flowers.

947e180a78cf67da32a107785603df2f-creepy-halloween-halloween-costumes

Hey, at least she’s not Rhoda from the Bad Seed. She wouldn’t kill anyone for trivial stuff like a penmanship award. But she will if you mess with her.

72. Why so sad, scarecrow?

a04b57335f3b5adba55e25e6ab2f50b9--creepy-vintage-vintage-halloween

Guy looks like a sagging and depressed muppet. And with bad fashion sense.

73. This witch is awfully fond of these little girls.

vintage-halloween-costumes-31

Wonder if that witch is in costume. But she shows eyes of ill intent.

74. Care for some clandestine greenhouse ritual?

be58156ab711a838c386f15f51450b3d

The kids seem like they’re dressed in their pajamas. The mom’s dressed as a witch.

75. Here’s a still from the new Joker movie.

haunted-clown

Well, that might be a little too early. But I’m sure he’ll grow up to be an unstable psychopath nonetheless.

76. Pretty short to have mustaches, don’t you think?

faf9cea126536f89948f9ff3499bffb5

One’s wearing a dress to indicate she’s clearly a girl. But these two seem like they’re silently judging you in those creepy masks.

77. “Here’s Toodles!”

f2923904e5275691c5b66af523164b4f

Seeing that clown hovering over that family sends shivers down my spine. Also, is he holding a gun?

78. “I just came here to pick up a few things like your soul.”

il_570xN.1626451553_srki

I can understand why that girl’s screaming. Still, kind of way too young for this Faustian bargain thing. I think there should be an age of consent for that.

79. Got you 4 little devils in a row.

halloween-costumes-69

They’re even all holding masks. But come midnight, they will wreak havoc on a murder spree.

80. These robots come from another galaxy.

Creepy_48cc17_6071176

But mess with them, they’re bound to exterminate you. They also have great fashion sense.

Ghastly Halloween Greetings in the Ghoulish Days of Old (Fifth Edition)

b1e6e953167fc5c29f1481c3460984d1

Now it’s on to the Halloween vintage cards. In these days, there seems to be a greeting card for almost everything. In the olden days, this was no exception except in regards to MLK Day because the great civil rights leader wasn’t born yet or any kind of holidays white people didn’t celebrate. Anyway, given that Halloween greeting cards are apparently still a thing, you shouldn’t be surprised to see plenty vintage ones. However, in many ways, the vintage cards usually tend to be crazier for various reasons. Some may be dated. Some may be inappropriate. Some may be racist. And some may contain imagery that doesn’t seem to fly today. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you another assortment of crazy vintage Halloween greeting cards.

  1. The moon doesn’t seem too happy these days.
4d367a1630c5345638057e649b441e5e--halloween-moon-happy-halloween.jpg

“Why the hell would leave a perfectly good office binder on my doorstep? Don’t they know they’re very expensive?”

2. “I wish you a jolly Halloween.”

10

And that’s not a safe way to hold a jack-o’-lantern, kids. Honestly, that’s a fire hazard.

3. Want to catch a jack-o’-lantern? Spread crumbs through a wagon, I think.

16

That way, he’ll be happy to tag behind you wherever you go. Still, how did anyone think this was a good idea?

4. This demon comes out to greet you from the jack-o’-lantern.

31 (1)

Seems kind of friendly for a creature of Hell. Guess it’s hot inside that jack-o’-lantern.

5. While mere mortals use jack-o’-lanterns as Halloween decoration, witches use them for broom headlights.

31e128e0ac0d73cd8ee602d23f9524e1

If it can talk, it doubles as a GPS system. Who knows how the characters in Harry Potter can do without them.

6. “O! Ghostly friend,/Thy hair’s on end/What fearful fate do you portend?”

678cadbca830b8067063525e0679d131

To be honest, the corn guy’s more likely freaking me out. Seriously, it just gives me nightmares.

7. “Whoo-oo  dares keep Halloween with me?”

726d423b708f54a8b718da7e0fff65be

The owl’s like, “I’ve got my eyes on you, floating pumpkin head.” Or something like that.

8. Feel free to sit down in your jack-o’-lantern bib.

865f6b242f2b1b5227da9d293b047568

Actually that bib’s kind of creepy if you ask me along with the jack-o’-lanterns on the top corners. Also, the girl seems like she’s slightly suffocating.

9. Don’t know if you want a bat pop up from a jack-o’-lantern.

898e29c0ceaa2af5ff0d39929a7b75b1

Seems like everyone in this is freaked out by this. Save for the black cat for some reason.

10. Even the pumpkins make out in the pumpkin patch on Halloween night.

39673-Vintage-Halloween-Card-Ca.-1930-s

Still, despite the inscription, how do pumpkins hug and kiss? Linus, can you answer me on this one?

11. Perhaps you might want to go as a skeletal bat for Halloween.

14937376_1217882641568058_5044743004282485113_n

Seriously, she’s dressed up as a bat that bit into a powerline. Kind of disturbing if you think about it.

12. “With all Hallowe’en Greetings.”

1403932732_aec27c4311_b

Yet, that owl’s watching the creepy pumpkin man follow the seeds from the woman’s contraption. Wonder if this was a thing back then.

13. Pumpkin head kids wish you a jolly Halloween.

ae772831a00a20ebc2196909e41b40b8

Oh, those creepy orange kids with one holding a poor cat. Makes me wonder if this is a childhood photo of Donald Trump. Wouldn’t surprise me.

14. Bet you don’t want a skeleton to get you.

early-1900s-vintage-halloween-cards

Are those monsters supposed to be goblins? Also, why is one riding a cat?

15. When a witch wants a kid to get off her lawn, she means it.

halloween1

Here she chases a kid with a jack-o’-lantern on a stick. And I thought witches ate kids. Then again, that may not be the case.

16. Forget brooms. The modern witch travels on a biplane of giant playing cards.

halloweencards15-1080x687

She even has a jack-o’-lantern on the front for navigation. And yes, it runs on owl power. But the cat’s kind of afraid of heights.

17. This Halloween, stay out of the cabbage patch.

halloweencards18-360x550

No, these aren’t the Cabbage Patch kids you remember. Actually this cabbage people make out scene is getting a bit out of hand.

18. “For ways that are dark and tricks that are vain. Watch out!”

halloweencards21-1080x697

Here a black cat sits with 4 scary jack-o’-lanterns. But at least they’re not lit, yet.

19. Everyone loves a Halloween costume party.

halloween-2880646_960_720

Though whether to dance with a medieval version of the Joker is another matter. Seriously, his costume’s kind of freaky if you ask me.

20. The black cat in a pumpkin has a letter for you.

halloweencards22-1080x689

Though the kid doesn’t seem to think twice about trusting the cat. Kind of looks hypnotized. Also, note the sticks under the pumpkin.

21. Riding a broom on an ear of corn gives a witch more seat room.

halloweencards23-1080x685

But make sure the ear is giant size and has bat wings. Also, I think she might drive using a sideways steering wheel.

22. On Halloween, fell free to hoist the jack-o’-lantern flag.

pretty-vintage-halloween-time-post-card-with-sweet-old-witch-lady-and-black-cat-with-pumpkin-flag-graphic-vintage-halloween-ca

Instead of a skull and crossed bones, this flag has a jack-o’-lantern and crossed candles. Yet, the witchy woman has a rather suggestive expression.

23. The jack-o’-lantern always watches outside.

halloweencards34-1080x704

So maybe playing naked outside at night is not a good idea. Not that it would be anyway.

24. Dancing pumpkin man wishes you a happy Halloween.

halloween-vintage-best-of-556-best-cards-halloween-vintage-2-images-on-pinterest-of-halloween-vintage

Unlike most depictions, he’s wearing a suit. Still, he’s guaranteed to inspire nightmares.

25. This little witch wishes you Halloween greetings.

scary-creepy-vintage-halloween-greeting-cards-1-high

Though I’m not necessarily sure that she’s sitting appropriately. This is especially since she has her skirt up.

26. It takes two to carry a large jack-o’-lantern.

untitled

Nonetheless, the jack-o’-lantern seems to have a mind of its own. As you can tell by the eyes.

27. For many, Halloween is a time of love.

untitled1

But since these kids have their hands on the jack-o’-lantern too long, the pumpkin’s starting to feel smushed. Seriously, they need their space once in awhile.

28. Wanna make some noise?

untitled6.png

Yet, the pumpkin guys sitting on the gourd are very unsettling to me. One doesn’t seem too happy with the girl blowing her horn.

29. Don’t look at the jack-o’-lantern in the barrel.

untitled3

Since there’s a rather creepy kid inside. And I don’t think the kid in front really wants to know.

30. Halloween greetings from the witch with a pumpkin fetish.

untitled4.png

Hey, it may not look the least bit normal. But at least she’s not making out with Donald Trump.

31. Be careful in a room with masks.

untitled5

Actually I don’t know why this woman can be in the same room with all these scary masks. Since they all look incredibly terrifying.

32. Ghost jack-o’-lantern wishes you happy Halloween on a broomstick.

wp-content2Fuploads2F20142F102FHalloween-cards13.jpg2Foriginal

The outfit’s rather translucent. Though the jack-o’-lantern doesn’t seem sure how to fly this thing.

33. “The joys of Halloween be yours.”

untitled8

Excuse me, but what the hell is Cupid doing here? This isn’t even his holiday. He’s Valentine’s Day.

34. Don’t be surprised to see double this Halloween.

vintage Halloween card complicated spell

You can see how the images mirror each other. While the jack-o’-lantern thinks it’s just crazy.

35. Hide all you want to, but you can’t fool the moon.

Vintage Halloween Cards (3)

To be fair these jack-o’-lanterns are rather creepy. But what are they doing behind that stack?

36. A witch and owl love hanging out together on the moon.

vintage-halloween-card1

That owl looks abnormally huge. Because most don’t grow that big. Yet, the witch doesn’t care.

37. There’s nothing on Halloween like making out in a jack-o’-lantern.

vintage-halloween-card22

First, that’s a major safety hazard since the clothes could catch on fire. Second, the cat and owl are basically like, “get a room, you two.”

38. The moon always knows a hot witch when it sees one.

vintage-halloween-card27

Here the moon gazes on the witch with a pervy smile. While the witch might want to blow out her candle so the moon doesn’t see her as well.

39. Now where did that slice of cake go?

vintage-halloween-card28

Yes, these creepy pupkin people have it for some reason. Maybe I’ll be okay without it. I’ll live.

40. Seems like her high beams are flashing.

vintage-halloween-card-retro-2

See what I mean about a jack-o’-lantern functioning has headlights on a broomstick. Why don’t they have that in Harry Potter?

41. Remember that witches will kidnap your children.

Vintage-Halloween-Cards-vintage-16379797-563-347

I don’t have a good feeling about these kids. Since witches are known to eat children. The boy doesn’t seem to mind though.

42. All kinds of demons can come out of a jack-o’-lantern.

Vintage-Halloween-Cards-vintage-16380109-320-500

Here it sits upon a sinister black cat. Must be magical because I can’t see how the cat can retain its balance.

43. An owl sits upon a glowing jack-o’-lantern holding an apple.

vintage-halloween-postcard-turn-of-the-century-10

Yet, the girl seems rather fascinated instead of freaking out. Because how can the owl get inside? And it can basically claw and peck you to death.

44. Here this woman sits on a jack-o’-lantern dressed as an owl.

Winsch-witch-postcard-copy

Yet, the giant jack-o’-lantern has a rather terrifying expression. Since even the cat’s freaking out.

45. You can always sit back on a jack-o’-lantern with a candle on Halloween.

wp-content2Fuploads2F20142F102FHalloween-cards5.jpg2Foriginal

The pumpkin’s glowing. While the cat is glaring at the viewer with malicious intent. Wouldn’t want to go near that thing.

46. Don’t look now but I think that jack-o’-lantern’s stoned out of its mind.

wp-content2Fuploads2F20142F102FHalloween-cards6.jpg2Foriginal

Not sure what’s in that pipe. But I also think the jack-o’-lantern’s looking up that woman’s skirt. That cat’s like, “Not cool, man.”

47. A campfire is always a graveyard smash.

wp-content2Fuploads2F20142F102FHalloween-cards7.jpg2Foriginal

And yet, one’s running away in fear, two are on top of each other, and the would’ve gotten a selfie to post on Instagram. Only trouble is that smartphones and Instagram aren’t around yet.

48. Happy Halloween by the demon child soldier.

wp-content2Fuploads2F20142F102FHalloween-cards8.jpg2Foriginal

Once you’re asleep, this little boy will come into your room with a knife and kill you. If you don’t take some time to lock your doors first.

49. Here a little witch picks up a name from the jack-o’-lantern.

wp-content2Fuploads2F20142F102FHalloween-cards11.jpg2Foriginal

Whoever’s name she gets, she’ll go to their house and turn them into a newt. And I’m not sure if they’ll get better.

50. Happy Halloween from behind the haystack.

wp-content2Fuploads2F20142F102FHalloween-cards14.jpg2Foriginal

Now that looks like a fire hazard waiting to happen. Wouldn’t be surprise if the jack-o’-lantern leads to the stack catching on fire and the boy burning to a crisp.