I Want You to View These Vintage Wartime Propaganda Posters (Second Edition)

4.2.7

Once again, the 4th of July puts us in the patriotic kick of things. Unless the Trump administration put a damper on that, like it does with everything. Anyway, I did a post of old wartime propaganda posters for the 4th of July last year. And since I have plenty left over, I thought it would be a good idea to do another. Because I think we all long for the days when propaganda didn’t try to pass itself as news. Though to be fair many of these wartime posters function more like public service announcements with messages like conserve resources, do your part, don’t give out any military secrets, buy bonds, enlist, and what not. And yes, you’ll find plenty with racist caricatures, particularly on any of the WWII ones featuring the Japanese. Still, they tend to be rather interesting to look at and not such for the artwork. But many of them have become so ingrained in the popular imagination that they’ve been parodied in pop culture for years. Nevertheless, for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasure trove of more propaganda posters from the old wartime years. Enjoy.

  1. Conserve water for the military industrial complex.

To be fair, this is for WWII when many nations were fighting for their survival. Still, the military industrial complex has gained a shadowy reputation since then.

2. This Christmas give your family the gift of war bonds.

Sure your kids may not enjoy them now. But wait until they’re about to go to college. Also, it’s your patriotic duty to do so.

3. Don’t get VD or else you’ll miss the boat.

Because our nation can’t afford soldiers with gonorrhea or chlamydia. So guys, keep it in your pants.

4. Angelic lady with harp wants you to enlist at your nearest recruiter station.

Because if you don’t enlist now, there’s a good chance they’ll draft you. A gem from World War I, by the way with George M. Cohan’s “Over There.”

5. One legged sailor wants you to do your part.

Because as you can see, he already did and got his leg blown off for it. And to him, it was worth it.

6. The YWCA wants you to support women workers.

Because women build planes and bombs so men can use them to blow up or shoot down other guys. By the way, average air time in a WWI aircraft was 20 minutes.

7. “When the sword is drawn, the Navy upholds it!”

So join the US Navy. Because spending long days warding off German U-Boats sure beats trenches and planes. Seriously, anything is better than the trenches.

8. Before you bang this woman, know that she might be an STD laden whore.

Yes, they seem to have a lot of wartime posters on STDs. But then again, contracting an STD is far worse than getting a cold.

9. Don’t be lazy or you’ll help the Nazis win.

Makes me wonder if they’re putting this guy down or sympathizing with him. I mean, the guy has a broken arm and can’t really do his job.

10. Even Mickey Mouse wants you to buy bonds.

Because Mickey loves America and wants to protect it from Nazis. Despite that Walt Disney was anti-Semitic.

11. Strike a blow for the Axis and give more wood for the army.

And we mean lumber this shirtless jacked guy chops down. Not the other kind since being gay in the military can give you a one way ticket to Levenworth, Kansas.

12. Civilians need food so plant more beans.

Because these people liberated from Axis occupation are absolutely starving. Mainly because of totalitarianism, systematic oppression, and the fact we bombed the shit out of their towns.

13. Buy war bonds to the moms and kids of fallen men.

Because a lot of employers simply won’t hire single moms during the 1940s. This is especially the case when she has two kids under the age of 5.

14. In a time of war, great Americans don’t take time off when their country needs them.

Though even during a time of war, can’t people just take time off for medical needs? Besides, everyone needs a break.

15. A woman loves a man who volunteered for submarine service.

Yet, serving in a submarine is absolutely no picnic at all. Still, at least they didn’t have women on there fortunately for her.

16. Defeat the Nazis and defend religious freedom.

Though I’d think it would be more to the point if it was a synagogue instead of a church. But church works fine.

17. The traffic light is right, stop waiting to beat Hitler and enlist.

However, they forgot to put a disclaimer: Must be 18 years or older. Though the traffic light is very effective.

18. Send your scrap to Uncle Sam so they can shoot down Nazi planes.

Still, I’m not sure a burning plane for a scrap metal poster is a good idea. But then again, this is WWII so it’s understandable.

19. Want to avoid VD? Try Prophylaxis.

Prophylaxis means prevention. And I guess the prophylaxis here is keeping it in your pants.

20. Whether in the fields, factories, or combat zones, we must attack at all fronts.

Yet, this doesn’t necessarily mean using a hoe or a blow torch as weapons. But they’re the home front.

21. Kids, help Uncle Sam win the war by buying war savings stamps with your change.

Since bonds are for grownups. And the US government isn’t above getting its hands on your monthly allowance to pay for a new machine gun.

22. Ladies, don’t worry about rations, can your food instead.

Yes, they encouraged people to can their food so they’d last for weeks. Then again, they didn’t have as reliable refrigeration then.

23. The Red Cross and Uncle Sam need you!

I don’t know about you, but Uncle Sam seems to be a bit creepy with that nurse. I have a bad feeling where this is leading.

24. Soldiers, when you sleep with a woman, you might pick up more than a girl.

And they think college hookup culture is bad these days. Yes, the World War II generation slept around, too.

25. This soldier wants you to save gas through carpooling.

Yes, carpooling saves gas. But the disadvantage of carpooling is that it’s not always feasible for co-workers living a neighborhood away from each other. Though this wasn’t much of a problem in the 1940s.

26. Before the war, men never thought a woman can do a blue collar job.

Yes, this is kind of sexist. But women did work in factories during both world wars. Not to mention, many female factory workers in WWI started out as girls.

27. Be wary and don’t fall for Axis propaganda.

Note they included religious bigotry on there but left out other faiths. Still, I’d worry more about Axis Sally than Tokyo Rose.

28. See a German U-Boat? Bomb it!

This is a navy recruitment poster. And here’s a guy carrying explosives. Hope he throws it at the Germans quick or he’s sunk.

29. Someone talked and this man’s ship got bombed.

Yes, scare them straight into shutting up while they make port in a foreign country. Still, you’d wonder if this guy ever learned to swim.

30. Uncle Sam wants you to shut up about military strategy.

Because you’ll never know when you meet a Nazi spy. So keep your trap shut.

31. The British Navy needs your bones for bombs.

They also need bones for all this other stuff, too. Though the aircraft one is puzzling to me.

32. Remember, loose talk during lunch can cost lives.

Nothing inspires paranoia like this one. Doesn’t help they’re drinking beer either. Oh, I see what they’re getting at.

33. Winston Churchill always holds the line to victory.

Here’s Churchill’s famous English bulldog portrait. And it doesn’t seem very flattering to me.

34. Careless talk will give you a German Iron Cross.

Or as this poster conveys, “make you a traitor.” Also not, the Nazi signet in full display.

35. Remember to eat healthy to be US strong.

Too bad a lot of people in our country do not nowadays. Still, you can see the point.

36. Talk less because you’ll never know if you meet a German spy.

Keep in mind that the Gestapo mainly dressed in civilian clothes in Nazi Germany. So this isn’t incredibly far fetched.

37. Fight for your country so you won’t have to lose your sacred rights.

Too bad they didn’t try to warn us during the 2016 election. Because our rights are now under attack from the Trump administration and the GOP as we speak. Have you seen the GOP healthcare plan and anti-protest laws?

38. VD can be cured, but antibiotics can’t relieve your regret.

So a sailor should be a good boy to keep it in his pants and his mouth shut. Because careless talk may mean death to your comrades.

39. Set to course to victory, join the US Coast guard.

Sure patrolling the nation’s borders may seem like a boring gig as you see these guys’ faces. But at least you most likely won’t die.

40. Defend America, don’t waste your food.

Because Americans need to be healthy to defeat the Nazis. So clean your plate at dinner.

41. Empty cans? Save them for ammunition.

Funny how the bullet chains are cans with tomatoes. As if they’re firing a machine guns with sauce bullets.

42. To avoid careless talk, don’t forget to tie your parrot’s beak shut.

Or any military camp could just ban pets. Much easier than tying something on a parrot’s mouth.

43. Soldiers, Uncle Sam wants you to take care of your gear.

For soldiers need to make sure everything’s working so their equipment can last. Doing that, the life they could save, could be their own.

44. Support oil for it powers planes and land vehicles.

Though today, you’d be more for clean energy like wind and solar. Okay, maybe we’re not that far yet, technology wise. But we’ll get there.

45. Join the Navy and man the guns!

I don’t know about you. But there’s something phallic about that missile and it doesn’t help that the guy doesn’t have shirt on. Just a thought.

46. Produce to the limit or else the 2 headed Axis hulk will storm New York City.

Because you don’t want this monster destroying the Statue of Liberty. Still, in movie world, cataclysmic events in New York are commonplace.

47. Use your ration stamps to stamp out black markets.

Funny how they have a black marketer in disgusting green. Yes, ration stamps get the job done.

48. Keep em’ fighting since production wins wars and prevent accidents.

Again with the bare chest and phallic looking missiles. And you wonder why sailors are more prone to gay stereotyping.

49. Every minute counts so avoid time off.

Instead of avoiding time off, it’d be better if it said, “avoid vacation time.” Because if someone needs a day off for illness, injury, or family, then they should have it.

50. Keep our cars rolling cause America can’t hitchhike to victory.

Still, hitchhiking isn’t a good idea even if that’s a way people got around at the time. And hitchhiking to victory, forget it.

51. “We’ve just begun to fight! Watch us put it across!”

I guess this is for recruitment as the eagle looks ahead. Guess this is from WWII.

52. The housewives brigade wants your scraps.

So give them all your junk so they can give to the war effort. Metal, paper, and bacon grease preferred.

53. Don’t read history, make it. Join the Navy.

But I think reading history is very important. This goes especially for the stuff that isn’t flattering like slavery.

54. Buy bonds to keep Germany and Japan from this mom and kid.

Yes, they have menacing hands that’ll go after your family. Just imagine the suffering.

55. Men who know always say no to prostitutes.

Because prostitutes are STD ridden whores who’ll infect them. Then again, this isn’t an entirely accurate description.

56. War bonds are the crop that never fails.

Though if I can grow money I would. But unfortunately money doesn’t grow on trees. Or from the ground.

57. Eat some of each from every food group every day. Other than that, eat whatever you want.

Nowadays, you’d have to eat a set of servings from each group. And it’s usually shaped within a plate or a pyramid.

58. In a time of war, it’s best you watch your weight.

So I guess they don’t want you to overeat either. Yes, it’s best you know your capacity.

59. Knock out VD. Prophylaxis prevents disease.

And yet, they have tanks shooting out saying, “soap,” “silver,” and “mercury.” Unfortunately, such treatment aren’t as good as penicillin.

60. July 4th is Uncle Sam’s birthday and the US is still going strong after 142 years.

And see Uncle Sam charge with his bayonet among the exploding bombs. Not necessarily a safe way to run through. But it’s WWI.

61. Simple Sam breaks a tool every day at work.

Here he is on a stool with a dunce cap. Yes, his antics in the factory waste time. But he really can’t help himself.

62. The Statue of Liberty wants you to buy a liberty bond or she perishes.

So while Uncle Sam urges men to serve, Lady Liberty urges everyone else to buy bonds. But she doesn’t look defenseless here.

63. Take the pledge that you’ll use ration points and not buy black market stuff.

Because it’s your patriotic duty to do so as an American consumer. So raise your hand and swear to it.

64. Let the guns do the talking for silence is security.

Because the guns can do quite a lot of damage. Kind of intimidating if you ask me.

65. Sure she might be hot but she could very well be a Nazi spy.

If you want to know, just ask her what she thinks about Jewish people. Okay, maybe that’s a bad indicator.

66. Always be be on the alert and join the Marines.

Here he has a gun pointed at planes during the night. I’m sure the planes don’t know what’s coming.

67. A rattlesnake is less dangerous than careless talk.

And rattlesnake bites are are real bitch. In fact, rattlesnakes can kill you. Just look at the fangs of this thing.

68. Think this Japanese beauty is hot? Avoid her.

Crazy how they managed to put a naked woman on here. Not often you see this on a WWII poster.

69. Sailor, beware of who you screw at port.

So don’t tell her anything about equipment, salings, or troop movements. She might be using her hotness to get you to talk.

70. Want to bring him back sooner? Get a war job.

Though the sooner you bring him back home, the sooner you’ll get a pink slip. So what it brings you is mixed.

71. “You give us the fire. We’ll give ’em hell!”

Here he is about to get in a fighter. Remember that bombers and pilots didn’t have a high survival rate in WWII. So he’s not likely to make it.

72. In Germany, someone is doing the same job as you, beat ’em.

Funny how they put it behind a large white swastika. Looks so evil.

73. The swastika marks the spot.

And it’s squarely on Hitler’s ass. And the planes are bombing it like crazy as he screams in pain.

74. Make every minute count for Pershing. Join the  shipyard.

However, keep in mind that WWI era wasn’t known for good health and safety conditions. And that the guy isn’t in proper safety equipment.

75. Remember, housewives, save fats for explosives.

Because fats contain nitro glycerin. So whenever you contribute grease to the military, you’re killing Nazis.

76. Women, there’s a war to be won. So get on your feet now.

Because when there’s a war on, the US needs everyone they have. So ladies, it’s off to the munitions factories.

77. Canada needs soldiers like you in its army.

Instead of a noble knight on horseback, we have a soldier on a motorcycle. Don’t think popping a wheelie is a good idea.

78. Smack the Japanese and join the submarine service.

Here’s a guy holding a V for victory. Hope he knows that the Pacific front was particularly horrific.

79. A starving child’s life was saved because you went without luxury. So give us money.

What a way to pull at people’s heartstrings. Though recently, the American Red Cross’s reputation has suffered.

80. “Let’s go Canada!”

Apparently, Canada didn’t have its famous maple leaf flag yet. And this guy hardly looks like a badass.

81. Every time you take the day off, you help Hitler.

Seems like they’re big on getting people not to miss any day at work. Though everyone deserves a break now and then. Even in wartime.

82. Break the bottle neck traffic, carpool.

Yet, in this one, the car breaks the bottle. But you have to agree, carpooling is a good idea, whenever it’s feasible.

83. Tell where he’s going, he’ll never get there!

Because telling where he’s going helps the enemy. So don’t. Okay?

84. Remember, make a mistake, you help the enemy! Because there’s a war on.

Sorry, but we can’t afford secretaries making mistakes. Too bad she might not have adequate training which I’m quite sure about.

85. Don’t forget that this hideous Japanese guy is the enemy.

Really? Depicting Japanese guys as raping white women? That’s about as racist and horrendous as sending a bunch of Japanese Americans to internment camps out west.

86. Still need more rags for salvage.

And yet, this old guy leads an invisible homeless guy. Couldn’t see anything so cruel.

87. “Remember Pearl Harbor and purl further!”

Seems like this was designed by a knitting circle. Still, it’s kind of clever.

88. Hey, British POWs, want some fresh air? Join the Free Corps.

The British Free Corps was a Waffen SS unit during WWII consisting of British prisoners of war who were stationed at the Eastern Front to fight the Russians. Only 54 joined up and major figures were later court martialed as traitors.

89. Fight the Japanese menace surrounding Australia. Blockade!

Though to be fair, militaristic Japan wanted an empire. And Australia is quite close to Indonesia.

90. “Couldn’t have done it without you!”

As if this American sailor can’t help but show how many Japanese boats he’s sunk. So proud of his accomplishments.

91. Salvage your rubber cause these guys have more important places to go.

Though it seems like they’re going on a joy ride more than anything. But they need rubber for tires to get around places.

92. Talk too much and this soldier’s behind a barbed wire fence.

Of course, he’d probably be at some POW camp which is nothing like Hogan’s Heroes. But at least he can be happy he’s not from Russia.

93. Can’t fight in war? Plant a victory garden instead.

After all, if you can grow it, you don’t need to buy it. You can even give some of your produce to the troops, too.

94. Open your eyes, America, since fighting Nazis isn’t business as usual.

Nor is it with the Trump administration. Not sure how we’ll get through that with our federal government intact.

95. Be good this year and invest in defense.

Because if you’ve been bad and help Nazis, then you’ll probably get something worse than coal. Like a charge for treason. And Santa wouldn’t like that.

96. Keep your mouth shut and don’t rat out information.

Cause you never know when the Axis powers would use it against you. So be smart and don’t say anything about war stuff.

97. The YWCA wants you to back our girls over there.

Yes, women who served in WWI didn’t get the credit they deserved. This switchboard operator is one of them.

98. Even a fish would keep its mouth shut around Japanese bait.

Boy is their rendition of the Japanese racist. Still, even if the fish took the bait, it would die right there.

99. After Iwo Jima, it’s all of us together.

This is a depiction of the famous photo at Iwo Jima. Subject of two Clint Eastwood movies.

100. Wasting stuff helps Hitler.

And they had to do a paper version of Hitler with a weird looking mustache brush. Not flattering but he’s a horrible man anyway.

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The Rejected Inventions Hall of Fame

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Necessity is often considered the mother of invention. Yet, as with many parents, sometimes they produce children who don’t seem quite right. But with necessity, it’s more often than not. While we have moments like the Wright Brothers 1903 flight at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, you have lots products you can only see in drug stores and infomercials. Nevertheless, inventions are supposed to be technological breakthroughs that make our lives easier. Unfortunately, this post doesn’t showcase these achievements. Instead, it covers the many contraptions that the world has rejected after a certain amount of time and forget about them. Some may have seemed like good ideas at the time only to go horribly wrong. As with others, we’re not sure what the rationale behind them was. But they kind of look ridiculous nonetheless. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I present to you a treasure trove of crazy inventions from the past you might want or see. Or might not depending on what time you came from.

  1. Don’t worry, this body armor will protect you.

I guess the tin hunter costume didn’t quite make it for the Wizard of Oz. Also leaves arms exposed.

2. A wheeled watchtower always helps you spot the enemy coming from anywhere.

Though it requires strings and stakes to keep it balanced when kept in a stationary state. Also, looks as ridiculous as it is dangerous.

3. With these we can see and hear everything.

Because there’s nothing to let people know you’re snooping on them like goggles attached with megaphones. Also, makes people look like complete idiots.

4. This contraption gives you a whole new meaning to the word, “helmet hair.”

I think this might’ve been for perms. Yet, it sure seems like what you see straight out from a Star Trek Enterprise hair salon.

5. In the 19th century, you can take a ride in a rich guy’s 6-wheeler.

And I see they have the driver in the front like they would in a coach. Because he’s a commoner. Wonder how this car makes turns.

6. Now you can  take take your baby to the park and listen to music at the same time.

The radio attached was supposed to keep baby occupied. At least until mommy’s favorite radio soap opera comes on.

7. With these goggles, you can watch TV from anywhere.

Too bad it blocks your face from the world and looks pretty dumb. But you still have to use antennas for a signal.

8. This brush will give any bald man a nice shiny chrome dome.

Then again, I know some bald men who just shave off their hair and show their scalp off proud. No need for a brush and polisher like this.

9. Keep your baby safe during a gas attack with a gas powered baby carriage.

While keeping baby safe and sound, it gives an impressing of constantly being under siege by chemical weapons. Also, kind of resembles a little fallout capsule.

10. These cone masks will help you see through a snowstorm while you’re out.

These look more like cone bags you put on your face. But then again, these were built for function, not effect.

11. With this trailer, you can make room for everybody.

So how do you extend it? What’s it’s limited capacity? How much would it cost?

12. With an amphibious bike, you can travel on both land and water.

Helps if it has floaties as well as floatie wheels to keep you buoyant. But sure doesn’t protect you from getting your clothes wet.

13. Ever tried to scrub yourself in hard to reach places and see what you look like? We have just the solution for you.

Man, how did anyone stay clean without this? Also, how does this work in the shower?

14. Ever wanted to read before bed but don’t want to sit up? These reading glasses are just for you.

Not sure how they work. But they sure make anyone look like a space alien.

15. Keep yourself warm this winter by wearing a jacket with electric heating.

Sure it might do the trick. However, it might pose a fire hazard should something go wrong.

16. Now you can avoid hitting pedestrians by catching them with this metal net.

However, it might run the risk of pushing pedestrians to where they might not want to go. Also, not the safest thing in the world.

17. Nothing amuses guests more than taking their picture with a gun.

Yet, I’m sure you’ll get no smiles using it. But it’s a safer gun does make safer to play Russian roulette with.

18. A flying platform will always take you to high places.

Yes, it seems quite futuristic indeed. But keep in mind the guy’s wearing equipment to protect himself from injury. Let that sink in.

19. Don’t forget to protect your horse from gas attacks.

Yes, this is a gas mask for horses. Well, it was WWI so what do you expect?

20. Why should 8 hours of sleep get in the way of your chainsmoking habit?

Yes, there are a lot of stuff on here related to smoking. Because most of them are from before 1970.

21. Featuring one of the first eco-friendly cars of its time, the pooch mobile.

Now you can save on gas and give Fido hours of exercise. Though you might sometimes have to stop every time he needs to relieve himself.

22. Nothing says speed like a jet-fuel powered motorcycle.

Uh, isn’t jet fuel more flammable than gasoline? Besides, I don’t think this guy is taking any safety precautions.

23. Why keep multiple bikes when you can have one for the whole family.

Even includes a sewing machine for mom to work on. Only seats 4.

24. Help little Susie take her first steps with this baby walker.

Seems a bit extreme to get your kid to walk this way. Besides, my sister and I started walking at 9 months with little prompting.

25. Everything is always squared with these bikes.

So how do square wheels get you anywhere? I mean most wheels are round for a reason.

26. Get the latest bits about yourself by wearing the psychograph.

The psychograph was made to advance the study of phrenology. Well, it was a 19th century pseudoscience. That gives you plenty to know about why we no longer use this.

27. Why smoke one cigarette at a time when you can smoke a whole pack all at once.

Because if one cigarette alone won’t kill you, a whole pack lit at the same time surely will. Go ahead increase your risk for lung cancer.

28. Is this woman getting a perm at the salon or having her brain infiltrated by aliens?

Actually, she’s just getting a perm at the beauty parlor. But yes, I know what you’re thinking.

29. Eating peas is a breeze with a peastick.

But this lets you eat peas one at a time. And there’s a device which could let you eat 6 of them all at once. It’s called a fork.

30. Why should parents debate about carrying the baby when you have this?

Because this baby carrier wouldn’t meet any child safety requirements. Besides, why take your baby ice skating when you can call a babysitter?

31. A fork with a crank can always help you eat spaghetti.

Yet, this takes 2 hands to operate. There is another device that lets you eat spaghetti with one hand. It’s called a fork.

32. With these earphones, you can eavesdrop any conversation without anyone knowing.

Too bad this is so bulky that you won’t be fooling anyone. Also it will make you look like a total idiot.

33. With a holder like this, you can share a cigarette with ease.

Because there’s no cigarette holder that says “till death do you part to lung cancer” like this one. Also, the movies seem to make sharing a cigarette look cooler without one.

34. Drying your hair should always be an out of this world experience.

Again, this is beauty salon equipment. Not space alien technology. Know the difference.

35. With this hat, you can keep all your toiletries in one place.

Only has room for comb, brush, and toothpaste. But it’s quite stylish and nifty just the same.

36. This little restrainer will keep rover out of the bushes.

After all, there’s no device that suggest you’d might want to serve him with a salad. Yes, I can see why that didn’t see the light of day.

37. A reduce-o-matic helps you lose weight while you sit down and relax.

Sorry, but this kind of weight loss product will only slim down your wallet. Also will make you look like an idiot.

38. Every wallet should always contain some cash and a pistol.

Too bad the pistol is only small enough for a bullet. So you’d have to make the shot really count.

39. With this tea maker, tea will be ready in no time at all.

This is an antique tea maker from the Victorian days. It’s supposed to heat it before pouring it in the pot. Wonder how many accidents it caused.

40. Keep baby out in the fresh air and out of harms way with a baby cage.

This was for babies in small apartments. I know it looks pretty crazy. But yes, sometimes old-timey childcare practices fall out of favor.

41. With this blow dryer, you’ll definitely be blown away.

Seems like the hairdryer has a pretty interesting history. But still, this would be great if you’ve spent the day out in the rain.

42. Need relief for a hangover? This mask should help.

However, make sure you keep it in the freezer with ice overnight. Still, this is kind of crazy.

43. Now I’ve never seen a pair of binoculars like this.

I guess this must’ve come from the 1950s. Still, I wonder if it has any sensors on it. Or is it just an ordinary pair of binoculars?

44. You know they have bidets to wash your butt? Here’s something to wash your breasts.

Uh, it’s actually not that hard to wash your breasts. You can easily get your boobs clean with a washcloth in the shower.

45. Ward off mice and rats with this cat mew machine.

It says meow a lot so the mice wouldn’t come anywhere near your home. Though to be fair, you’d probably break it for being annoying.

46. Now you can see where you need to go with this scrolling map.

Think of it as an old-fashioned GPS. Because that’s what it is. However, it might not be able to recalculate so you might have a hard time with it.

47. Now you can smoke in the rain with a cigar protector.

Because why should a wet day reduce your chances for lung cancer? Also includes an umbrella.

48. Shoot in those hard to reach places with an M-3 curved barrel submachine gun.

Not sure why anyone would use these if they weren’t criminals. I know it looks as lethal as it is pointless.

49. Attaching brooms to your car makes tire tracks a thing of the past.

Actually this was meant to protect against flat tires. Not sure if it did the job or all cars would have it.

50. Protect your baby from kidnappers with this black light detector.

No, I’m not sure how a black light guards baby. Besides, black light is more associated with raves and such.

51. A dimple maker always makes your cheeks perk up.

That looks very painful. But yes, even today some women go through pain to achieve beauty perfection.

52. With this icebike, slippery roads are a thing of the past.

Still, the wheels are quite spiky. So having a car run into one will result in a flat tire.

53. A glamor bonnet provides a vacuum to aid complexion.

For some reason, that woman seems like she’s in a hostage situation than a beauty salon. Also, the ad had to go out of its way to say it’s not a deep sea diving helmet.

54. A smog helmet will protect you from harmful pollution in the park.

Though instilling pollution regulations and the EPA really deterred smog attacks in the US. Still, might be great if you live in China.

55. An external turkey roaster can always cook to perfection.

Seems like this chicken is getting a starlet beauty treatment. Besides, there’s another device that can cook turkeys just the same. It’s called an oven.

56. A steam powered buss will take you where you need to go.

Sure it doesn’t look that big. But at least it’s faster than traveling by horse.

57. Now you can watch your favorite shows on the go with this mini TV.

Yes, they had TVs that small back in the day. But I’m sure the reception on them was terrible.

58. A portable sauna gives you the same treatment within your home.

Though you’d have to spend a lot of time in a large sack. But at least you can read in the process.

59. A fire box trap can always catch pranksters attempting to cause trouble.

I know we don’t like people pulling fire alarms for no good reason. Still, not sure if it will deter anyone since its attachment is quite flimsy.

60. Why should bedridden people not be able to play the piano?

Yes, they actually had one of these. But at least you can fold it in when you’re done with it.

61. A turntable and projector set makes for a real entertainment center.

Well, I guess it’s handy to play music and movies in one place. But I don’t think many people could afford a projector then.

62. A one-wheeled motorcycle will always take you down the road.

I don’t know about you. But this looks like a major accident waiting to happen. Even worse that the guy isn’t wearing a helmet.

63. With illuminated tires, you can always find your car.

Though these tires have light bulbs in them and are plugged to something. Still, perhaps we can pull it off with glow sticks or solar panels t0day.

64. A flying bike may help you get off the ground.

For one, I don’t think this bike flies. Second, I’m sure the last guy who rode it ended up in a terrible accident.

65. A ciggy umbrella lets you smoke in the rain.

So you can expose yourself and others to cancer in all kinds of weather. And looking like a moron, too.

66. You can have all kinds of family fun during a nuclear holocaust in an economy sized fallout shelter.

However, you might have to assemble it yourself, first. Also, may not protect you against radiation exposure.

67. A car sled should always be equipped with a jet engine.

This is from Russia, by the way. Not sure if this actually flew. But at least you can get a laugh out of it.

68. Nothing makes riding the waves fun than riding a motorized surfboard.

Yet, for some reason, this is more of a motorized raft on a river. Not sure how it could ride tidal waves.

69. Now cleaning your neck has become so much easier.

Nevertheless, this neck cleaner more or less resembles a torturing device. Besides, you can easily clean your neck with a wash cloth in the shower.

70. Tesla’s oscillator will be a marvel to future generations.

This was an electric generator meant to replace reciprocating steam engines. But that was superseded by more efficient steam turbines. Other than that, I’m not sure what else.

71. This radio hat will let you listen to music while on the go.

Of course, it might cause a lot of noise since it doesn’t come with headphones. Also makes you look ridiculous.

72. A parachute jacket will be a lasting marvel to aviation.

We should keep in mind that the inventor died while testing this device jumping off the Eiffel Tower. It should give us the idea of its effectiveness.

73. A pipe for 2 always has enough tobacco to go around.

Still, I’m not sure if you’d want to smoke like this. There are more awesome ways one can get lung cancer.

74. You can always get the grass cut with a power mower deluxe.

Well, at least you don’t have to worry about grass getting all over you during the riding portion. Still, kind of resembles a spacecraft.

75. You can always get a great shot with a punt gun.

Too bad it’s so big that you have to ask a friend to hold it for you. So not that great isn’t it?

76. A shower hood can always keep your makeup from smearing.

Uh, isn’t getting your makeup in the sower kind of the whole point? Besides, I don’t think it does its job.

77. The Isolator can always help you concentrate on what you’re doing.

Sure it kind of resembles a diving helmet with an oxygen tank. But that’s beside the point.

78. The beauty micrometer always makes sure your face looks right.

But for God’s sake, please don’t put me in that! I’m sure it’s a torturing device for a face.

79. If you can ride on a bike, why not skate with two?

That doesn’t look safe at all, especially if he falls. Still, has kind of steampunk feel to it.

80. This hairdryer comes with its own cap.

Yes, it’s another hairdryer. I know it looks pretty ridiculous. But sometimes even nice products like hairdryers start out that way.

81. Why stick with bulky life jackets when you can use these swim aids.

I bet these are made from old bike tires. Besides, I think these might be harder to put on than life vests.

82. Motorized roller skates can get you there with great speed.

Nevertheless, these were notoriously dangerous for obvious reasons. And that’s why they’re not around anymore.

83. Nothing massages your scalp like this electric vibrator.

The picture file calls this the “scalp molester.” Nevertheless, I’m not sure if I’d want that massaging my head.

84. A solar bath apparatus can always relieve headaches.

No, I don’t think so, especially with a migraine headache. Not sure why people thought that back then.

85. Back in the 1950s, you can get a spray tan from a machine.

As to why you’d want to look like an Oompah Loopah, I have no idea. Still, not sure how it compares to a tanning booth.

86. Bet you never laid your eyes on Edison’s electric pen.

Yet, it’s attached to so much equipment. So you can understand why this invention never got off the ground.

87. Now you can watch your favorite shows with this portable TV from 1967.

Sure it might make you look like you have your head stuck in a pipe. But sometimes it doesn’t matter when watching your favorite sports team.

88. Listen to your favorite records with an upside down phon0graph.

Not sure how the record could stay in place like that. Also, why?

89. Soup too hot? Attach a small fan to your spoon.

I know this looks silly and pointless. But that’s modern dining technology for you.

90. Wooden bathing suits were once the next new thing of the summer.

Because nothing characterizes 1920s swimwear like barrel chic. You can see why we don’t have them now.

91. With this machine, the blind can find their way through the magic of sound.

Yet, the contraption is a bit bulky. Besides, blind people already have something to help them get around through sound. It’s called a cane.

92. Why put on new skates when you can just clip on the blades?

Okay, that seems rather reasonable. But what if the blade snaps off and you trip and fall.

93. Why go through flipping newspaper pages when you can have yours faxed?

Because a folded newspaper with sections is much better to store than one rolled out. It’s very simple really.

94. Give your dogs exercise by tying them to a wooden beam on your car.

Note to pet owners, please don’t do this. Seriously, it’s cruelty to animals and could kill them.

95. Now you can call someone and see who you’re talking to.

Funny, how we use Skype with the Internet if we want to see who we’re talking to. But this is pretty neat.

96. The sun bath helmet protects you from UV rays.

Uh, did the inventor know that UV rays can absorb? Probably not. Also, only protects the face.

97. An aerocycle can take you anywhere you want to go.

Looks really dangerous if you ask me. Wouldn’t want to go on it.

98. Now you can have your cup of coffee while you’re on the move.

Sure people think a coffee maker in their car is convenient. But come on, it’s probably not the safest thing to have. Or every car would’ve had one.

99. An all-terrain vehicle must have lots of spare tires.

Then again, some of those may not be spare tires. But yes, it’s a bit bulky compared to newer models.

100. Stimulate human speech through pumping with the Euphonia.

I’m sure it didn’t work that well. Also, looks incredibly creepy, especially with the doll head.

Easter Greetings from the Days of Yesteryear (Third Edition)

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Now that I have peep dioramas down, it’s onto vintage Easter greeting cards. Now the card above is from Russia depicting a bus or carriage filled with spring flowers. Nevertheless, it’s a beautiful card. Anyway, greeting cards have always been a staple of holidays, especially during the olden days. And Easter is no exception. As I said before in my greeting card posts, we tend to view a lot of the past with rose colored glasses as well as imagine it as a more wholesome and refined time than it actually was. With Easter greeting cards, vintage ones might include cutesy imagery to melt your heart or beautiful illustrations like you see above. However, like my other greeting card posts, if you want the sweet vintage Easter cards with cute little bunnies, chicks, lambs, and any other animals all living in harmony, well, you’ve come to the wrong place. Because the Easter greeting cards I show here will either creep you out or have you scratching your head. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another collection of Easter cards your grandparents don’t want you to see.

  1. “So how much will it be for the yellow egg, ma’am?”

Notice the hen selling eggs. Remember that chickens lay them and hatch from them. So she’s most likely selling her own children, assuming they’re fertilized.

2. In Russia, it’s a tradition for children to kiss each other on the lips during the Easter season.

Uh, aren’t they’re a bit young for that? Then again, Russia has always been a miserable place.

3. “Now when these girls approach us, we throw these eggs right at them.”

Seems likes the last time these women will wear their spring dresses for a long time. So remember to watch out for egg wielding rabbits while outside.

4. On second thought, Tommy should’ve used plush rabbits for his Easter basket instead.

Using live bunnies for Easter baskets are never a good idea. Also, these bunnies are like, “We’re free! We’re free! Let’s get out of here before they kill us.”

5. On Easter, it’s well-known for chicks to compete in rowing contests.

Though I’m not sure about the water content here. Looks really brown. Also, what the hell?

6. Spring always marks the time for chicks to come out of their eggshells.

Okay, not those chicks. Even the feathery chickies are like, “What the fuck?” Seeing it’s from France, I guess absinthe had something to do with this design.

7. Apparently, these children decided to see chicks hatching a the wrong henhouse.

Then again, if I were the rooster, I’d charge at the boy, too. Because he seems to have a future as a budding serial killer.

8. You can’t have some Easter greetings without some circus dogs.

And I’m not kidding. But you have to be impressed by how Rover juggles eggs. Amazing.

9. There’s nothing more delightful on Easter than a jack-in-the-box bunny.

On second thought, that thing is absolutely terrifying. From how I see it, the chicks don’t have long to live.

10. Nothing melts your heart like seeing a child snuggling with a bunny and holding chicks.

Or as I see it the child’s like, “I’ll hug ’em, and squeeze ’em, and keep ’em forever and ever.” The bunny on the other hand, is thinking, “Oh, God help me!”

11. Easter greetings from the garden gnomes riding chickens.

And it seems like they don’t treat the chickens very well. Because they don’t seem very happy.

12. I guess this family comes hardboiled.

For God’s sake, egg people? Now that’s just really fucked up if you asked me. Seriously, why?

13. All happiness for Easter from the chicks in in the car.

Apparently, there’s that one chick who’s not enjoying the ride. Then again, having to sit on the floor isn’t much fun either.

14. Instead of the Chicken dance, chicks prefer the congo line.

Why the kids form an arch as the chicks come in, I have no idea. Nor do the chicks, apparently.

15. For an injured chick, a Jewish egg bar is always the place to go.

This just looks so wrong on so many levels. Seriously, a Jewish egg bar? Come on.

16. Nothing says best wishes on Easter like rooster riding bunnies about to slaughter each other on the battlefield.

I guess this goes along the lines of “With best Easter wishes that you may die an honorable death in battle.” Because these bunnies are at all out war for God’s sake.

17. Perhaps a romantic bunny dinner can’t be without some flowers from a chick.

However, I think Peter Cottontail just wants to have sex with Flopsy and not much else. And I think Flopsy is thinking about getting the hell out and dodge.

18. “Hey, a bunny walking chicks on a leash.”

The rabbit is like, “Listen, sweetie. Pretend this never happened.” Also, what’s with the Easter eggs growing on trees?

19. For rabbits, there’s nothing like a nice quiet morning with the family.

Except with Mopsy and Cottontail fighting each other the carrot and lettuce. Meanwhile, everyone else pretends not to notice.

20. “Look, everyone, no hands.”

Meanwhile, Hutch’s friends are taking bets on when the egg basket will fall on his head. And they’re watching because they think it’d be hilarious. Hutch is such a show-off.

21. Here we come to a little chick enjoying an egg.

Hate to say this but, that ain’t right. I mean isn’t a chick eating from an egg cannibalism? Disturbing.

22. “Back off, girl, can’t you see I’m closed? Come back later.”

Sorry, but I don’t think the Easter Bunny is in the best mood right now. So if you need eggs, too bad.

23. As an adult Peter Rabbit and his buddies would steal objects from Mr. McGregor’s house and form a band.

They were known as the Jack Rabbits and would revolutionize stomp music forever. Not sure why they have eggs though.

24. Nothing brings a happy Easter like a bunny and chick near an egg.

From Popthomology: “Insane Albino Bunny Lord demands more and more from Slave Chick.” So if Slave Chick brings more clover, will he get his unborn sibling back?

25. There’s nothing more thrilling than a chick bicycle race.

Kind of impressed how their feet can meet the pedals. However, they’re not wearing helmets.

26. If chick bike races aren’t your thing, then you might like a rabbit back race.

So there are chick jockeys riding on rabbits like they’re horses. And I thought the chick bike race was crazy. This is unbelievable.

27. A rooster is always a distinguished gentleman.

Though why it has people hands just freaks me out. Just doesn’t look right on him. Also, why is he using an egg like an accessory?

28. “Happy Easter from our henhouse to yours.”

Okay, this is just even freakier. Why the hell does this chicken family have human faces? That’s just really fucked up.

29. Of course, you can always send a religious Easter card. Usually nothing goes wrong there.

Since Jesus resurrected from the dead on Easter, a child now breaks from an egg and rains Easter eggs for all the children. Okay, that’s just wrong.

30. Easter is always a time of family togetherness.

“I’m sorry, kids, but Daddy’s never coming home for Easter since he stepped on a mine in No Man’s Land. But I’m sure he’s here in spirit watching over us. We just won’t see him.”

31. It’s always a thrill to see a chick and rabbit dance.

Yes, I know it’s kind of strange to see rabbits and chicks dancing with each other. The chick band doesn’t seem impressed.

32. Benjamin Bunny always carries a slate board and pussy willows.

How he manages to draw anything, I have absolutely no idea. But the stash seems carrot shaped.

33. For a rooster to lay eggs with chickens, he must know how to serenade her.

It helps if the rooster knows a musical instrument like a lute. Because his singing might wake up the neighborhood during the night.

34. These bunnies always know some tricks.

And it seems that the rabbit crowd loves it. Had it be a musician, it might’ve started some unstoppable breeding.

35. A child shall lead some sheep pulling an egg on a chariot.

Nevertheless, there’s something really disturbing about this. It seems that after the egg is at its destination, those lambs are mutton.

36. “Ladies and gentlemen, all aboard on the Easter Express.”

Those eggs look huge for some reason. Also, what’s with the bunnies operating a train?

37. “They’re gaining on us! Load the anti-aircraft egg cannon!”

For nothing says Easter like using colored eggs as ammunition. They’re even used to shoot down enemy airplanes.

38. Easter is always a time for eggs to find love.

Except for that one egg at the receptacle. Let’s hope he doesn’t end up like Humpty Dumpty. Also, why?

39. Seems like Jack Frost messed with the wrong herd of rabbits.

Here they have him on an egg and beaten senseless. Because bunnies show no mercy.

40. Happy Easter, compliments of the eggshell boat races.

Wonder how rabbits manage to fit in them. And why are they using on one oar? Shouldn’t they just have oars you use for kayaks?

41. Bunnies always enjoy a nice quiet tea now and then.

However, even Mopsy wants to know why Randall has to smoke his long pipe at the table. It just look strange like a hookah or something.

42. Even chicks like to take a vacation on the high seas.

Though in this case, the crowd at the dock is waiting for arrival at port. And they’re all carrying egg baskets for some reason.

43. Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Rabbit, it’s a girl.

However, everyone will know she’s adopted since it’s obvious. But I’m sure they’ll treat her like their other children. Though I’m sure they can’t keep track of them all.

44. “How about we go for a swing in an eggshell?”

Susie shouldn’t have taken the eggs with her on her lap. Since they can drop to the rabbit’s dismay.

45. With pussy willows and an eggshell outfit, she is all set for Easter.

A dress would’ve been fine. Wearing an eggshell like that just makes her look stupid. And possibly unable to sit down.

46. The rabbit pulled chick stagecoach has arrived.

Yes, I know it’s crazy using the bunnies as horses. But please, I wasn’t consulted and am just as freaked out as you are.

47. “You know what? Let’s shoot a bunch of eggs in a cannon at once.”

Well, at least they’re not shooting off fireworks. But why are they dressed in skimpy Greek outfits I don’t understand.

48. Unfortunately, Snookums couldn’t resist the temptation.

Let’s hope he escapes this with an injured tail. Because that chicken has a vicious streak a mile wide.

49. Sometimes a rabbit likes to show off in his top hat and tails.

Apparently, the chick maid isn’t impressed by his style. Well, can’t win them all.

50. “As long as we’re on the large egg, the dogs can’t get to us.”

As we all know, dogs kill rabbits. Still, I think these 2 should’ve picked a higher hiding place. Because the dogs can easily get to them.

Vintage Saint Patrick’s Day Greetings of the Emerald Isle

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As you probably know by now, people have always been sending greeting cards to each other during certain holidays. And Saint Patrick’s Day was no exception to that, especially in the days before the Internet. We should also note that in the olden days, the 19th century was a very terrible time in Ireland that a series of unfortunate events, most notably the Irish Potato Famine of the 1840s prompted a mass diaspora from there to other parts of the world such as the United States. But they also found new homes in other places like the United Kingdom, Australia, New Zealand, and even Latin America. And it’s because so many Irish immigrants came to these parts of the world that Saint Patrick’s Day is such a widely celebrated holiday. This is particularly the case in the 19th century when so many Irish Americans were either immigrants or related to one where we first see many of these celebrations get started like the Saint Patrick’s Day parades in places like Boston, New York, and Pittsburgh. So it’s not unusual to see Saint Patrick’s Day greeting cards around either. And though I could go all I want about these lovely works of Hallmark art, I understand you’d probably be bored to tears. So instead, I’ll stick to the ones that might make people scratch their heads. We should also note that the 19th century was a time when offensive Irish stereotypes proliferated which have now manifested in modern depictions on leprechauns to much Irish disdain. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of Saint Patrick’s Day cards from the days of old.

  1. “God bless dear/old Ireland our home/And all her Sons/Where’er they roam.”
For some reason this kid has the disposition of a future serial killer. There is now soul within those Irish eyes.

For some reason this kid has the disposition of a future serial killer. There is now soul within those Irish eyes.

2. “See my flag and see my hat./Sure you’re right! My name is Pat.”

Another soulless Irish lad. Seems like he's using his superficial innocence to play you for a fool before stabbing you in the back. Don't be taken in.

Another soulless Irish lad. Seems like he’s using his superficial innocence to play you for a fool before stabbing you in the back. Don’t be taken in.

3. Even Santa Claus has a bit of Irish in him.

How can Saint Nick be Irish, I have no idea. But I don't think dressing up as a leprechaun will endear him to the good Irish boys and girls.

How can Saint Nick be Irish, I have no idea. But I don’t think dressing up as a leprechaun will endear him to the good Irish boys and girls.

4. A Saint Patrick’s Day greeting and wait a minute, that doesn’t look like an Irish flag.

Okay, I had to look this flag up on Google. According to a historical flag site, it's the Saint Patrick's Cross flag used by the Irish National Corporate Party of the 1930s known as the "Greenshirts." And it was an openly fascist organization. So though it's seen as a traditional Irish flag before then, it hasn't been used in Ireland since.

Okay, I had to look this flag up on Google. According to a historical flag site, it’s the Saint Patrick’s Cross flag which was allegedly used by the Irish National Corporate Party of the 1930s known as the “Greenshirts.” And it was an openly fascist organization. So though it’s seen as a traditional Irish flag before then, it hasn’t been used in Ireland since.

5. May luck bestow blessings upon you the way leprechauns shower shamrocks from blimps.

Yes, I know it looks ridiculous. But blimps have appeared on a variety of greeting cards during this period. Not sure why.

Yes, I know it looks ridiculous. But blimps have appeared on a variety of greeting cards during this period. Not sure why.

6. Nothing brings in the spirit of Saint Patrick’s Day like an Irish lass riding a white pipe.

And she's riding it like a horse as if she's in someone's drug induced pipe dream. I'm sure someone was high off some opium binge to come up with this idea.

And she’s riding it like a horse as if she’s in someone’s drug induced pipe dream. I’m sure someone was high off some opium binge to come up with this idea.

7. Happy Saint Patrick’s Day from high up in the shamrock plane.

Not sure if you can really fly that thing or whether it's safe to stand up in it. In any case, if these two survive a crash, consider them lucky.

Not sure if you can really fly that thing or whether it’s safe to stand up in it. In any case, if these two survive a crash, consider them lucky.

8. “Me Irish eyes are smilin.'”

Hate to say this, but Irish Mr. Potato Head looks so damn creepy. Like he's out to get you during a hangover kind of way.

Hate to say this, but Irish Mr. Potato Head looks so damn creepy. Like he’s out to get you during a hangover kind of way.

9. Saint Patrick’s Day greetings from the nightmarish green woman holding a shamrock wreath.

Sorry, but pale green skin makes her seem like a bride of Dracula than an Irish angel. I'm sure she'll haunt many Irish dreams.

Sorry, but pale green skin makes her seem like a bride of Dracula than an Irish angel. I’m sure she’ll haunt many Irish dreams.

10. On Saint Patrick’s Day, it’s customary to get all shamrocked out.

She even has a shamrock dress on. And a yellow hat with shamrocks on it. I'm sure Lady Gaga would wear the same thing.

She even has a shamrock dress on. And a yellow hat with shamrocks on it. I’m sure Lady Gaga would wear the same thing.

11. An Irishman always likes to see his lass in a shamrock dress.

The fact a lot of women's dresses were shaped like that at the time was coincidental. Though this is kind of ridiculous.

The fact a lot of women’s dresses were shaped like that at the time was coincidental. Though this is kind of ridiculous.

12. These Irish kids would like to bestow a Saint Patrick’s Day greeting.

I'm sure little Patty is giving little Molly some clover because she wants to see her tits and look up her skirt. And Molly knows it.

I’m sure little Patty is giving little Molly some clover because she wants to see her tits and look up her skirt. And Molly knows it.

13. Irish couples always know when to get it on during Saint Patrick’s Day.

However, whether the guy practiced consent is another matter. But she doesn't seem to mind because he's hot.

However, whether the guy practiced consent is another matter. But she doesn’t seem to mind because he’s hot.

14. May Saint Patrick’s Day make you a lucky frog on March 17th.

I have no idea what the frog has to do with Saint Patrick's Day. Is it because it's green. Other than that, not much else.

I have no idea what the frog has to do with Saint Patrick’s Day. Is it because it’s green. Other than that, not much else.

15. Erin Go Bragh for this pair of newlyweds.

Who seem to resemble a couple you'd find in a creepy illustration of some Gothic novel. Though they do seem terrifyingly happy together.

Who seem to resemble a couple you’d find in a creepy illustration of some Gothic novel. Though they do seem terrifyingly happy together.

16. This garden gnome wishes you a lucky Saint Patrick’s Day.

You better because this gnome might want to kill your cat sometime. His eyes only show pure evil.

You better because this gnome might want to kill your cat sometime. His eyes only show pure evil.

17. “St. Patrick’s Day and I wish you luck.”

Now I understand the oversized shamrock. But the small pig? Not so much.

Now I understand the oversized shamrock. But the small pig? Not so much.

18. “Nothing slow for the likes of us.”

So this card implies that the Irish are bad drivers? Seems to be the case.

So this card implies that the Irish are bad drivers? Seems to be the case.

19. “Good luck on Saint Patrick’s Day.”

Let's just say disembodied Cabbage Patch doll heads aren't what you'd want to put on a St. Paddy's Day card. Oh wait, those are potatoes.

Let’s just say disembodied Cabbage Patch doll heads aren’t what you’d want to put on a St. Paddy’s Day card. Oh wait, those are potatoes.

20. Saint Patrick’s Day Greetings from the woman with the giant pipe.

And that pipe is making a smoky haze. But I don't think she's bringing luck but lung cancer. Seriously, what's with the large pipe?

And that pipe is making a smoky haze. But I don’t think she’s bringing luck but lung cancer. Seriously, what’s with the large pipe?

21. “Tis the shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day/ That bring back memories dear and gay.”

Though the kid's expression on his face reads something more sinister. And no, I don't think he's musing about Ireland either.

Though the kid’s expression on his face reads something more sinister. And no, I don’t think he’s musing about Ireland either.

22. Some tourists in Ireland would go to great lengths to kiss the Blarney Stone.

But using a rope harness is kind of ridiculous. Seriously, please don't try this. Ever.

But using a rope harness is kind of ridiculous. Seriously, please don’t try this. Ever.

23. It’s always grand to watch the Saint Patrick’s Day parade.

However, this doesn't change the fact the Irish here are depicted in a very disparaging way. And that there's booze depicted along the border.

However, this doesn’t change the fact the Irish here are depicted in a very disparaging way. And that there’s booze depicted along the border.

24. Saint Patrick’s Day is always a time to celebrate.

Now this couple looks rather cartoonish. Guess card designers of the time couldn't resist putting in Irish stereotypes after all.

Now this couple looks rather cartoonish in caricature. Guess card designers of the time couldn’t resist putting in Irish stereotypes after all.

25. “May the corners of yer mouth never turn down.”

Apparently. people in the 19th century thought old Irish ladies resembled witches who'd own candy houses to lure kids they'd cook for dinner. Seriously, this is in very poor taste if you ask me.

Apparently. people in the 19th century thought old Irish ladies resembled witches who’d own candy houses to lure kids they’d cook for dinner. Seriously, this is in very poor taste if you ask me.

26. “Here’s to the Auld Sod,/An’ shamrock so green,/Th’ land ave Saint Patrick,/Th’ Emerald Queen.”

Hmm...a jolly Irish guy dressed like a leprechaun with a glass of booze. Not something I've seen before (sarcasm).

Hmm…a jolly Irish guy dressed like a leprechaun with a glass of booze. Not something I’ve seen before (sarcasm).

27. How about an old Irish jig?

Is that guy dancing with a club in his hand? If so, is it to clobber any guy who wants to dance with his girlfriend? I need answers.

Is that guy dancing with a club in his hand? If so, is it to clobber any guy who wants to dance with his girlfriend? I need answers.

28. “An may ye always feel as gay as I do on Saint Patrick’s Day.”

In other words, "plastered drunk." Yes, the Irish drunk is on a Saint Patrick's Day card. I believe this card was sent to the Irish in people's lives they hated.

In other words, “plastered drunk.” Yes, the Irish drunk is on a Saint Patrick’s Day card. I believe this card was sent to the Irish in people’s lives they hated.

29. “Never a girl so sweet as an Irish girl.”

And in Ireland, you'll find Irish girls come in 3 different varieties such as blond, brunette, and redhead. As this pipe shamrock smokescreen can show.

And in Ireland, you’ll find Irish girls come in 3 different varieties such as blond, brunette, and redhead. As this pipe shamrock smokescreen can show.

30. Saint Patrick’s Day is always a time of Irish love.

Though I'm not sure whether they're supposed to be dancing or making out. Can go either way.

Though I’m not sure whether they’re supposed to be dancing or making out. Can go either way.

31. Even Cupid would like to get in the Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations.

For the love of God, Cupid, Valentine's Day is over. Seriously, what the hell are you doing on a card for St. Patrick's Day. It's not your holiday.

For the love of God, Cupid, Valentine’s Day is over. Seriously, what the hell are you doing on a card for St. Patrick’s Day. It’s not your holiday.

32. Saint Patrick’s Day is a merry time in dear old Ireland.

Yet, this guy happily wields his club when he's walking his pig. No, I don't think Irishmen are like this.

Yet, this guy happily wields his club when he’s walking his pig. No, I don’t think Irishmen are like this.

33. Irish couples always seem to enjoy a bit of blarney.

However, the guy in this card seems to remind me of a creepy old man for some reason. Not sure why.

However, the guy in this card seems to remind me of a creepy old man for some reason. Not sure why.

34. On Saint Patrick’s Day, Uncle Sam loves to make out with his Irish lass.

Yes, I know this is at a purely symbolic angle. However, Uncle Sam is supposed to look like a skinny old guy. So you get the creepy vibes.

Yes, I know this is at a purely symbolic angle. However, Uncle Sam is supposed to look like a skinny old guy. So you get the creepy vibes.

35. Shamrock head would like to wish you a Saint Patrick’s Day greetings.

But instead of bringing you luck, it'll bring you nightmares. Seriously, why?

But instead of bringing you luck, it’ll bring you nightmares. Seriously, why?

36. Speaking of Uncle Sam, here he enjoys an Irish toast.

I know this is supposed to be a gesture of Irish and American friendship. But the Irish guy is represented by an oversized leprechaun.

I know this is supposed to be a gesture of Irish and American friendship. But the Irish guy is represented by an oversized leprechaun.

37. There’s nothing on Saint Patrick’s Day like a peaceful rowboat ride.

Yet, we find this Irishman in a boat with 2 women which is about to capsize. Wonder what it says about him.

Yet, we find this Irishman in a boat with 2 women which is about to capsize. Wonder what it says about him.

38. Best wishes on Saint Patrick’s Day from the clover kids.

So I bet this card was made possible by acid trips. Not sure how else I can explain it.

So I bet this card was made possible by acid trips. Not sure how else I can explain it.

39. “I’m thinking of Old Erin tonight/Of the dear little cot by the sea/for the shamrock on St. Patrick’s Day/Still bringing back memories to me.”

However, I'm sure the woman is like, "Sorry, but I'm not interested so get your stupid hand off me." Yeah, I don't think she's happy.

However, I’m sure the woman is like, “Sorry, but I’m not interested so get your stupid hand off me.” Yeah, I don’t think she’s happy.

40. Here’s looking at you on Saint Patrick’s Day.

Because nothing says Saint Patrick's Day like a pair of eyes staring at you through a shamrock. Now that's very unsettling.

Because nothing says Saint Patrick’s Day like a pair of eyes staring at you through a shamrock. Now that’s very unsettling.

41. “Here’s to the toast in th’ rosy cup/To Swatehearts far across the sea/Wid wine ave hope/We fill it up/An’ drink to days that yet may be.”

Another depiction of an Irishman drinking. I know it's an offensive stereotype that never seems to die.

Another depiction of an Irishman drinking. I know it’s an offensive stereotype that never seems to die.

42. How about a toast to Ireland on Saint Patrick’s Day?

Yes, it looks like a toast. But we all know what'll happen afterwards.

Yes, it looks like a toast. But we all know what’ll happen afterwards.

43. “Let our hearts be young at the dawning/of Saint Patrick’s Day in the morning.”

The guy in this card isn't drawn very well. Yes, he's supposed to look happy. But his expression is more terrifying. And holding the club doesn't help.

The guy in this card isn’t drawn very well. Yes, he’s supposed to look happy. But his expression is more terrifying. And holding the club doesn’t help.

44. Nothing makes one feel lucky on Saint Patrick’s Day like pilfering a pig.

For some reason, pigs were seen as symbols of luck back in the day. Not sure why.

For some reason, pigs were seen as symbols of luck back in the day. Not sure why.

45. “The sweet little green little shamrock of Ireland.”

Don't look now but I think the man might have eyes on the girl with ill intent. The girl should run away while she still can.

Don’t look now but I think the man might have eyes on the girl with ill intent. The girl should run away while she still can.

46. Saint Patrick’s Day is always marked by the wearing of the green.

And in here even the bird of prey is green. Nevertheless, the woman has a rather oversized head for some reason.

And in here even the bird of prey is green. Nevertheless, the woman has a rather oversized head for some reason.

47. “Saint Patrick was a gentleman.”

For the love of God, this kid looks like a pure monster in a little suit. Avoid him like the plague.

For the love of God, this kid looks like a pure monster in a little suit. Avoid him like the plague.

48. On Saint Patrick’s Day, the whole world looks upon Ireland.

Don't tell me that's a crazed Santa Claus dressed in leprechaun garb. Might need to calm down a bit.

Don’t tell me that’s a crazed Santa Claus dressed in leprechaun garb. Might need to calm down a bit.

49. There’s room for everyone on the Shamrock blimp.

Though why anyone would disregard any notion of safety is a good question. Hope they're lucky to have parachutes.

Though why anyone would disregard any notion of safety is a good question. Hope they’re lucky to have parachutes.

50. You never know what you’d find on Saint Patrick’s Day.

I'm sure that guy is interested in watching the girl beside him peeling potatoes. Then again, he probably has his eyes stuck somewhere else.

I’m sure that guy is interested in watching the girl beside him peeling potatoes. Then again, he probably has his eyes stuck somewhere else.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Ads (Fourth Edition)

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The beginning of this year hasn’t been good to me other than Netflix premiering A Series of Unfortunate Events  and finally getting to see Rogue One of course. For the nation, we saw the end of a great presidency and the swearing of a president who I strongly believe has absolutely no conscience, has no reason to be trusted, and probably has no idea how to run the country. Oh, and his presidency has a chance to embolden white supremacists as well as inspired mass protests. On Sunday this week, the nation witnessed the Atlanta Falcons nearly winning the Super Bowl before unbelievably seizing defeat in the jaws of victory against the New England Cheetahs, excuse me, I mean Patriots. And to insult to injury, Deflategate Quarterback Tom Brady received another MVP trophy. Yes, it always sucks to see this wretched team win outside of New England of course. For me, personally, I lost my grandfather on the week of my 27th birthday which was sad and somewhat sudden but not unexpected since he was 89. Yet, his loss certainly leaves a big void in my family as well as my life. And that my birthday was on his viewing while his funeral was the next day. So perhaps it would be nice of me to perhaps put some fun blog posts in for once just to hold myself over until after Valentine’s Day. Though McDonald’s has already released their shamrock line already which I believe is premature. And I thought nothing would be better than another vintage ad post. Yes, I know these are crazy nostalgia busting ad pieces are things you can’t unsee. But please, we should understand that they belong to a time when many people consider America great that they voted a billionaire devil in ugly orange hair who brags about grabbing women by the pussy in order to make America great again. In truth, that time they nostalgize about really wasn’t that great as these ads show. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of questionable vintage advertising. Enjoy.

  1. A Kiddie-Coop keeps your baby safe and sound.
For some reason, it reminds me of a cage you'd keep your pet rabbit in. Or is it a pet turtle?

For some reason, it reminds me of a cage you’d keep your pet rabbit in. Or is it a pet turtle?

2. Satisfy your sadistic urges with a Whizooka roach gun.

Warning: Might contain poisonous chemicals that might make your family ill or kill your pets. Might affect other wildlife populations as well. Please use responsibly.

Warning: Might contain poisonous chemicals that might make your family ill or kill your pets. Might affect other wildlife populations as well. Please use responsibly.

3. Stevens: the choice of gun for any child soldier.

Okay, this kid doesn't look like he's on a duck hunt. His expression is more akin of Paul Baumer from All Quiet on the Western Front.

Okay, this kid doesn’t look like he’s on a duck hunt. His expression is more akin of Paul Baumer from All Quiet on the Western Front.

4. Give her a gift she’ll truly appreciate forever like her very own garbage disposal.

To be fair, it's probably not the worst thing to give a woman on Valentine's Day. But it's not one that inspires true romance.

To be fair, it’s probably not the worst thing to give a woman on Valentine’s Day. But it’s not one that inspires true romance.

5. “Should I leave you on the doorstep, Mom?”

Because nobody shames mothers into using a product like introducing a freaky alternative reality. I think Johnson & Johnson hired real basket cases to do this ad.

Because nobody shames mothers into using a product like introducing a freaky alternative reality. I think Johnson & Johnson hired real basket cases to do this ad.

6. Men, do you enjoy engaging in spousal abuse for kicks? The BPA Fun Center is the place for you.

Okay, I get that this ad doesn't intend to promote domestic violence against women at any time. It's supposed to be for a place like Dave & Busters. But the slogan is just so wrong.

Okay, I get that this ad doesn’t intend to promote domestic violence against women at any time. It’s supposed to be for a place like Dave & Busters. But the slogan is just so wrong.

7. Campbell’s Soup: the #1 soup for the budding child psychopath.

Because there's nothing that your budding psychokiller won't enjoy more than some very salty chicken noodle soup. Campbells Mmmmm....salt.

Because there’s nothing that your budding psychokiller won’t enjoy more than some very salty chicken noodle soup. Campbells Mmmmm….salt.

8. Dr. Pepper is always healthy and invigorating that you’d want to get naked at the beach.

So in the early 1900s it was perfectly okay to feature naked women in order to sell stuff. And they thought women wear to little in our advertising.

So in the early 1900s it was perfectly okay to feature naked women in order to sell stuff. And they thought women wear to little in our advertising.

9. Keep yourselves healthy all winter long with a GE sunlamp.

The baby in the doctor's outfit is quite freaky if you ask me. Also, I'm not sure if sun lamps are good for you anyway.

The baby in the doctor’s outfit is quite freaky if you ask me. Also, I’m not sure if sun lamps are good for you anyway.

10. Thanks to Planetary Pencil Pointer, a woman can now sharpen her pencil.

Uh, sharpening pencils doesn't require a lot of physical strength to begin with. Even if you don't use a crank. Seriously, this is just sexist garbage.

Uh, sharpening pencils doesn’t require a lot of physical strength to begin with. Even if you don’t use a crank. Seriously, this is just sexist garbage. But at least it comes from a company whose name is quite fitting.

11. Thanks to DDT, this baby no longer has to worry about the pesky flies.

Unfortunately, you couldn't say the same for the other baby creatures out there. Since DDT has led to thinning eggshells on multiple birds of prey who eat fly infested vermin. This has put a lot of animals on the Endangered Species List.

Unfortunately, you couldn’t say the same for the other baby creatures out there. Since DDT has led to thinning eggshells on multiple birds of prey who eat fly infested vermin. This has put a lot of animals on the Endangered Species List.

12. Doctors agree that Camel cigarettes are great for a child’s health and life expectancy.

Yes, the little girl thinks she'll live to be a hundred when she starts smoking. But what's more likely to happen is that she'll probably end up with a slew of respiratory problems before dying of lung cancer before reaching 60.

Yes, the little girl thinks she’ll live to be a hundred when she starts smoking. But what’s more likely to happen is that she’ll probably end up with a slew of respiratory problems before dying of lung cancer before reaching 60.

13. Problems in your sex life? Well, look no further than in the self-help book Eugenics and Sex Harmony.

Not recommended for ethnic minorities, poor people, and the disabled. Who shouldn't be having feeble minded kids anyway. Seriously, what else does eugenics mean?

Not recommended for ethnic minorities, poor people, and the disabled. Who shouldn’t be having feeble minded kids anyway. Seriously, what else does eugenics mean?

14. Horton’s furniture says let him worry about Vietnam while you ladies think about getting a new sofa.

To be fair, women weren't subjected to the draft in the late 1960s. However, this ad is incredibly sexist just the same for obvious reasons.

To be fair, women weren’t subjected to the draft in the late 1960s. However, this ad is incredibly sexist just the same for obvious reasons.

15. Finally, a scrapbook for the “Homely Woman,” only so they know how to pass as pretty.

Because, ladies, if you can't be a delicate flower who can fit in a suffocating corset, then no man will want you. By the way, if it helps you, Eleanor Roosevelt wasn't considered a great beauty in her day but managed to find a man anyway. Even if he was her 5th cousin. Though her great asset was her brains.

Because, ladies, if you can’t be a delicate flower who can fit in a suffocating corset, then no man will want you. By the way, if it helps you, Eleanor Roosevelt wasn’t considered a great beauty in her day but managed to find a man anyway. Even if he was her 5th cousin who cheated on her.

16. Enhance your respiratory capabilities with a wonderful lung expander.

I don't know about you, but it seems like this boy is taking in air through a vacuum resembling a flying saucer. Makes me scratch my head.

I don’t know about you, but it seems like this boy is taking in air through a vacuum resembling a flying saucer. Makes me scratch my head.

17. A Singer sewing machine is sewing made easy.

While Mom teaches little Susie how to use this thing, little Susie wants to know how she can use this machine to knock down little Timmy from across the street. Because she doesn't see much use in sewing clothes.

While Mom teaches little Susie how to use this thing, little Susie wants to know how she can use this machine to knock down little Timmy from across the street. Because she doesn’t see much use in sewing clothes.

18. Vigoro makes your lawn as good as it looks.

So go ahead let your toddler play outside with his diaper. Then again, from that boy's look, I feel more for the cat.

So go ahead let your toddler play outside with his diaper. Then again, from that boy’s look, I feel more for the cat.

19. Women, if your husband won’t have sex with you, you might be using the wrong vagina cleaner. So consider Zonite.

For some reason, I consider such ads about "feminine hygiene" that shames women for dirty private parts among the most sexist. These are clearly about shaming women for not keeping their vaginas clean enough. Good God.

For some reason, I consider such ads about “feminine hygiene” that shames women for dirty private parts among the most sexist. These are clearly about shaming women for not keeping their vaginas clean enough. Good God.

20. Parker: making pens for women before Bic did. Because girls have smaller hands.

Ellen Degeneres did a whole comedy bit on this which was hilarious. Seriously, women have been using regular pens for years. The idea women need special pens for them is just stupid.

Ellen Degeneres did a whole comedy bit on this which was hilarious. Seriously, women have been using regular pens for years. The idea women need special pens for them is just stupid.

21. Champion’s Mustard: the perfect condiment for a midsummer’s night dream.

Are those supposed to be black? Because if they are, I have a bad feeling about this. Also, Bottom looks like he's just wearing a donkey head.

Are those supposed to be black? Because if they are, I have a bad feeling about this. Also, Bottom looks like he’s just wearing a donkey head.

22. Keep your kids from falling out of the car with a Dickson Rear automatic door lock.

Because this car surely didn't come with a built-in child safety locks on the doors. Or seatbelts for that matter.

Because this car surely didn’t come with a built-in child safety locks on the doors. Or seatbelts for that matter.

23. Incompatible really means “the wife has a dirty vagina problem.” So fix it withe Lysol.

So in olden days, doctors encouraged women to put cleaning products in their hoohahs. Jesus Christ, that's a really super dumb way to fix your relationship.

So in olden days, doctors encouraged women to put cleaning products in their hoohahs. Jesus Christ, that’s a really super dumb and dangerous way to fix your relationship. Marriage counseling would be safer.

24. Put your man at ease over causing the fender bender with a pie made from Jell-O pudding.

So Jell-O believes that women are bad drivers. What a bunch of sexist assholes.

So Jell-O believes that women are bad drivers. What a bunch of sexist assholes.

25. Softness is what boys always find desirable in girls. So try Baby Soft.

Please let this girl be at least 18. Also, why the hell do they have an adult cosmetics like called Baby Soft? That's just freaky.

Please let this girl be at least 18. Also, why the hell do they have an adult cosmetics like called Baby Soft? That’s just freaky.

26. Pratts Healing Ointment cures both man and beast.

However, going to bed with your horse, well, that's not necessarily encouraged. Seriously, that's kind of sick if you think about it.

However, going to bed with your horse, well, that’s not necessarily encouraged. Seriously, that’s kind of sick if you think about it.

27. Do it on the floor with the love rug.

"The Love Rug strokes your bodies as you make love." So how can a rug do that. Also, is that David Hasselhoff?

“The Love Rug strokes your bodies as you make love.” So how can a rug do that. Also, is that David Hasselhoff?

28. Killed your husband and need to getaway fast? Broadway Deluxe Cab is at your service.

It's the cab service you call when you need to get out before the police arrive and find your prints all over the gun. I don't know about you, but I don't think this is an appropriate ad campaign in the least.

It’s the cab service you call when you need to get out before the police arrive and find your prints all over the gun. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think this is an appropriate ad campaign in the least.

29. Wash your boy’s hair with Lucky Tiger Hair Tonic so he won’t lose it when he’s older.

Unfortunately, Lucky Tiger won't prevent hair loss if baldness runs in your family. Because that's determined by genetics, folks. But some will lose their hair earlier than others.

Unfortunately, Lucky Tiger won’t prevent hair loss if baldness runs in your family. Because that’s determined by genetics, folks. But some will lose their hair earlier than others.

30. Keep your calls secret with a voice silencer.

Wonder how that works. I'm sure it won't be effective if you're on a party line.

Wonder how that works. I’m sure it won’t be effective if you’re on a party line.

31. Stop being bored by going on a trip to Disneyland.

After all, you probably need it as much as you need a hole in the head. Okay, that doesn't send a very good message.

After all, you probably need it as much as you need a hole in the head. Okay, that doesn’t send a very good message.

32. Thought your kid would be a different gender? Rexall’s got you covered.

So what if he was hoping for a boy and got a girl? I'm sure his daughter will appreciate the Panda bear teddy anyway. Also, kids are too young for all that sporting equipment anyway.

So what if he was hoping for a boy and got a girl? I’m sure his daughter will appreciate the Panda bear teddy anyway. Also, kids are too young for all that sporting equipment anyway.

33. King Electric Furnaces are stacked for comfort so you can safely sit on one with your bare ass.

Well, I have to hand it for King in this case even though I usually don't approve of naked women. But this one shows that you can sit on their furnace and not burn your ass off. What can be better than that.

Well, I have to hand it for King in this case even though I usually don’t approve of naked women. But this one shows that you can sit on their furnace and not burn your ass off. What can be better than that.

34. Have your dogs get in shape while you drive with a “canine exerciser.”

As someone who's watched Vacation, tying your dog to a car can constitute as animal cruelty and kill them. A canine exerciser is a great way to get your local Humane Society to hate you.

As someone who’s watched Vacation, tying your dog to a car can constitute as animal cruelty and kill them. A canine exerciser is a great way to get your local Humane Society to hate you.

35. All these pretty women can’t find husbands because of one crucial problem.

I think I know where this is going. Let me guess, dirty vaginas? Seriously, why the obsession?

I think I know where this is going. Let me guess, dirty vaginas? Seriously, why the obsession?

36. Nothing cures domestic squabbles like Arpege perfume.

From Tinsel Creation: "'“Mommy, don’t cry… I’m sure Daddy’s giving you Arpège.' Nothing sells a classic like the suggestion of domestic violence, apparently. Promise her anything…"

From Tinsel Creation: “‘“Mommy, don’t cry… I’m sure Daddy’s giving you Arpège.’ Nothing sells a classic like the suggestion of domestic violence, apparently. Promise her anything…”

37. Sold digestive problems with Burdock’s Pills.

For some reason, this add suggests that your liver helps you shit. I'm not so sure whoever came up with this ad understands human anatomy.

For some reason, this add suggests that your liver helps you shit. I’m not so sure whoever came up with this ad understands human anatomy.

38. Do you still beat your wife? Keep it up.

This is for a booklet titled, "Why You Should Beat Your Wife." You read that right. This ad promotes domestic abuse, for God's sake. What the hell?

This is for a booklet titled, “Why You Should Beat Your Wife.” You read that right. This ad promotes domestic abuse, for God’s sake. What the hell?

39. Planning to kill your wife sometime soon? Get her an Albany Life insurance policy first.

The fact this ad features knives, pills, bleach, and a pillow makes it seem like this insurance company wants guys to kill their wives. Couldn't they feature something less disturbing like funeral stuff?

The fact this ad features knives, pills, bleach, and a pillow makes it seem like this insurance company wants guys to kill their wives. Couldn’t they feature something less disturbing like funeral stuff?

40. Lavine soap gets things clean.

But please treat yourself to this naked kid about to strangle a swan with bare hands. Hey, that's what it looks like to me.

But please treat yourself to this naked kid about to strangle a swan with bare hands. Hey, that’s what it looks like to me.

41. Centaur Massage cologne is half-man, half-beast but all male.

It's the kind of cologne an Ancient Greek man would want to be massaged with by a skimpy clad woman. Still, given a centaur's body hair abundance, would anyone want to mate with one? Especially after what the centaurs might've done to Umbridge.

It’s the kind of cologne an Ancient Greek man would want to be massaged with by a skimpy clad woman. Still, given a centaur’s body hair abundance, would anyone want to mate with one? Especially after what the centaurs might’ve done to Umbridge.

42. The hotter the day, the more you need Ethyl gasoline.

Note that Ethyl has become notorious for its tetraled gasoline which has contributed to a ton of deadly pollution in the atmosphere and posed significant health risks. The guy who invented this would later create CFCs that would cause a hole in the ozone layer.

Note that Ethyl has become notorious for its tetraled gasoline which has contributed to a ton of deadly pollution in the atmosphere and posed significant health risks. The guy who invented this would later create CFCs that would cause a hole in the ozone layer.

43. Joy’s Cigarettes are great for your asthma.

In reality, they'll only exacerbate your asthma and lead to other health problems that could kill you. And no, they're not safe for children at all.

In reality, they’ll only exacerbate your asthma and lead to other health problems that could kill you. And no, they’re not safe for children at all.

44. Remember, ladies, your bad breath will drive your man away.

I'm sure in plenty of relationships didn't end because the woman had bad breath or used the wrong toothpaste. Also, what's the spider web suppose to mean?

I’m sure in plenty of relationships didn’t end because the woman had bad breath or used the wrong toothpaste. Also, what’s the spider web suppose to mean?

45. Need to stop for a few things? Keep your kids in the car while you visit a 7-Eleven.

Nowadays, keeping your kids in the car might get you arrested for child neglect during the summer. Because keeping your kids in a hot car is a major parenting no-no.

Nowadays, keeping your kids in the car might get you arrested for child neglect during the summer. Because keeping your kids in a hot car is a major parenting no-no.

46. Now you can make your home gay with Gaytop table covers.

I'm sure this ad gets unintentional shits and giggles because "gay" has a different connotation these days. The smiling guy in the plaid shirt make this ad even funnier.

I’m sure this ad gets unintentional shits and giggles because “gay” has a different connotation these days. The smiling guy in the plaid shirt make this ad even funnier.

47. Zonite: the feminine hygiene product for whenever your ginie gets too dirty for lovemaking.

Whenever I see ads like this, I tend to wonder why were they so obsessed with women keeping clean vaginas. This is ridiculous.

Whenever I see ads like this, I tend to wonder why were they so obsessed with women keeping clean vaginas. This is ridiculous.

48. A Sears Kenmore Stove is designed for wives but built for husbands.

So does this mean Kenmore thinks women belong in the kitchen? Because it sure seems like it.

So does this mean Kenmore thinks women belong in the kitchen? Because it sure seems like it.

49. “Are you sure I’d still be a virgin with Tampax?”

For the love of God, asking whether using Tampax hurts one's virginity is like asking whether Harry Potter will lead kids to sorcery and devil worship. We both obviously know that such concepts are utterly ridiculous to even think about. Jesus Christ!

For the love of God, asking whether using Tampax hurts one’s virginity is like asking whether Harry Potter will lead kids to sorcery and devil worship. We both obviously know that such concepts are utterly ridiculous to even think about. Jesus Christ!

50. Save your marriage by changing to Lipton Tea.

No, I don't think changing tea brands improves relationships. Except maybe during the American Revolution but otherwise not really.

No, I don’t think changing tea brands improves relationships. Except maybe during the American Revolution but otherwise not really.

51. Ladies, you can lose your man in a minute if you don’t wash your mouth with Listerine.

Look, if your man leaves you for having bad breath, then it's more likely he's the problem not you. And you're probably better off without Mr. Shallowpants.

Look, if your man leaves you for having bad breath, then it’s more likely he’s the problem not you. And you’re probably better off without Mr. Shallowpants anyway.

52. Don’t let menstrual panic happen to you, use Modess sanitary napkins.

Sure women experience period leakage all the time and it's embarrassing. However, this ad makes such worries severe enough for them to need a psychiatrist.

Sure women experience period leakage all the time and it’s embarrassing. However, this ad makes such worries severe enough for them to need a psychiatrist.

53. These days a girl doesn’t have to be pretty to be popular.

And I suppose you don't have to be a good hospital to be popular. Seriously, why would a girl snorting cocaine be a good way for a hospital to advertise? Were they trying to say they have a good drug treatment center? Because this picture doesn't make them look good at all.

And I suppose you don’t have to be a good hospital to be popular. Seriously, why would a girl snorting cocaine be a good way for a hospital to advertise? Were they trying to say they have a good drug treatment center? Because this picture doesn’t make them look good at all.

54. Husband more frigid than usual but won’t say why? Maybe because it’s stinky down there.

Or that her husband's head is literally frozen inside an ice cube. So I don't think cleaning her privates will help her in this case.

Or that her husband’s head is literally frozen inside an ice cube. So I don’t think cleaning her privates will help her in this case.

55. For women who want a better figure, try Jantzen girdles.

Think of it as spanx in your grandmother's time. Also, who the hell hangs up their laundry in their underwear? Not to mention, you can barely see it on her that her ass almost looks bare.

Think of it as spanx in your grandmother’s time. Also, who the hell hangs up their laundry in their underwear? Not to mention, you can barely see it on her that her ass almost looks bare.

56. A woman should always make sure whether her panties are up to date.

So you mean a woman has to have the latest panties? Seriously, if her panties aren't falling apart and fit her fine, then she doesn't need new ones. Because what she wears underneath is nobody's goddamned business.

So you mean a woman has to have the latest panties? Seriously, if her panties aren’t falling apart and fit her fine, then she doesn’t need new ones. Because what she wears underneath is nobody’s goddamned business.

57. Duraglas baby food shouldn’t leave a tiny bit to waste.

This baby's like, "Please, don't stick that into my mouth. Are you really not trying to poison me?"

This baby’s like, “Please, don’t stick that into my mouth. Are you really not trying to poison me?”

58. Smoke all you want with Jolt cigarettes.

Because odds are, you won't have much time in this world anyway. Since your chain-smoking habit will most likely cause you to die from lung cancer.

Because odds are, you won’t have much time in this world anyway. Since your chain-smoking habit will most likely cause you to die from lung cancer.

59. Do you inhale? Smoke Chesterfields.

Man, can't believe this slogan was used to get people to buy cigarettes since it's mostly used around pot smoking. Also, the woman doesn't seem to have much on her.

Man, can’t believe this slogan was used to get people to buy cigarettes since it’s mostly used around pot smoking. Also, the woman doesn’t seem to have much on her.

60. Church toilet seats are always a stunning improvement.

"And it has easy handling so Ray won't have to struggle putting it down after he pees." Sorry, but I couldn't resist.

“And it has easy handling so Ray won’t have to struggle putting it down after he pees.” Sorry, but I couldn’t resist.

61. Smoke Phillip Morris the throat tested cigarette.

I think my grandma recently talked about the creepy bellhop guy with the pack. And yes, he kind of belongs in a Stephen King novel.

I think my grandma recently talked about the creepy bellhop guy with the pack. And yes, he kind of belongs in a Stephen King novel.

62. Save money on women’s underwear during the JC Penny Father’s Day Sale.

It's especially disturbing it has the line, "We have exactly what you need that will satisfy and bring a smile to your father's face!" It's almost as if this ad was tailor made for Ivanka Trump.

It’s especially disturbing it has the line, “We have exactly what you need that will satisfy and bring a smile to your father’s face!” It’s almost as if this ad was tailor made for Ivanka Trump. Sorry, but that can’t be helped.

63. Iver Johnson Revolvers are the gun for the housewife left alone at night.

So a woman needs a gun to protect herself whenever someone knocks on the door. Sorry, but if you have to be armed to answer the door, you probably need to see a therapist.

So a woman needs a gun to protect herself whenever someone knocks on the door. Sorry, but if you have to be armed to answer the door, you probably need to see a therapist.

64. Upset that all the thin girls get more attention, then reduce your ugly fat with Ry-Krisp.

What a way to fat shame a woman in public, jerkass? For God's sake, she doesn't look that bad and I'm sure some guys would find her attractive despite her weight.

What a way to fat shame a woman in public, jerkass? For God’s sake, she doesn’t look that bad and I’m sure some guys would find her attractive despite her weight.

65. Dr. Swift is an expert in health who’ll teach you how to improve your sex life with a fine gentle massage.

Pardon me for reading too into this but this ad comes off as promoting a 19th century sex talk. Because the guy obviously has his hands up a woman's skirt. Okay, maybe it's just a doctor exam.

Pardon me for reading too into this but this ad comes off as promoting a 19th century sex talk. Because the guy obviously has his hands up a woman’s skirt. Okay, maybe it’s just a doctor exam.

66. Kids are always in the mood for toast and jam.

It's just the kind of treat for the kid who just came home for torturing the cat. Or the neighbor kid who creepily peaks through your blinds.

It’s just the kind of treat for the kid who just came home for torturing the cat. Or the neighbor kid who creepily peaks through your blinds.

67. Have your pooch travel in comfort with the “Bird-dog’s Palace.”

Because nothing shows you're good with animals like attaching a cage to the side of your car. And having that cage sport barred windows.

Because nothing shows you’re good with animals like attaching a cage to the side of your car. And having that cage sport barred windows.

68. Lighten the White Man’s Burden by using Pear’s Soap for cleanliness.

Because nothing brings the fresh smell of colonialism and culture superiority like Pear's. Man, this is epically racist with nods to Imperialism.

Because nothing brings the fresh smell of colonialism and culture superiority like Pear’s. Man, this is epically racist with nods to Imperialism.

69. The Gold Dust Twins are always the right brothers for cleaning.

But they're the wrong brothers when it comes to promoting diversity and multiculturalism. Seriously, Gold Dust might want to retire their virulently racist mascots.

But they’re the wrong brothers when it comes to promoting diversity and multiculturalism. Seriously, Gold Dust might want to retire their virulently racist mascots.

70. Keep your child safe in the car by tying them down to this safety harness.

Imagine what parents had to do to keep their kids safe in the car before they started requiring seatbelts. Probably won't recommend it.

Imagine what parents had to do to keep their kids safe in the car before they started requiring seatbelts. Probably won’t recommend it.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Fourth Edition)

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Now that I got some Fuckface von Clownstick inaugural angst out of the way, I should now get into the Valentine’s Day posts. And what better way to start off than with a collection of political incorrectness of crazy vintage valentines? I mean these posts have been quite successful for some time and I know plenty might see it as the only fun part of the holiday. Because like me, there are many people who spend Valentine’s Day single and sometimes going to the store seeing the hearts, candy, stuffed toys, and what not can really get to you. Of course, when people think of valentine cards, they think cutesy heart cards like this one above depicting a couple in love. Yet, if I devoted a post to all the lovey dovey valentines, you’d probably throw up. So instead, I decided to go with vintage valentines that you wouldn’t believe actually existed. I mean people sent these to each other. So I give you yet another installment of unruly vintage valentines for you to love in an unintentionally hilarious way.

  1. If you receive a valentine like this, then your sweetheart must work for the Pentagon.
Okay, I don't think weapons inspired valentines are a good idea. And phallic imagery is the least of my worries here.

Okay, I don’t think weapons inspired valentines are a good idea. And phallic imagery is the least of my worries here.

2. For your Semper Fi sweetheart, this Marine valentine is a real marine.

And here he's preparing to shoot off his gun. Doesn't help that the sentiment includes "aim to make you mine." Mine what? Shooting target?

And here he’s preparing to shoot off his gun. Doesn’t help that the sentiment includes “aim to make you mine.” Mine what? Shooting target?

3. Guess it seems time for a commercial on this one.

Hey, I'm all for grand expressions of love and all. But a televised valentine is just going way too far. Seriously, you need help.

Hey, I’m all for grand expressions of love and all. But a televised valentine is just going way too far. Seriously, you need help.

4. Nothing says romance on Valentine’s Day like allusions to shellfish.

It's also a marriage proposal card, too, which is even more disturbing. I mean unless it's on a plate, do lobsters ever scream romance? No.

It’s also a marriage proposal card, too, which is even more disturbing. I mean unless it’s on a plate, do lobsters ever scream romance? No.

5. Speaking of sea life, check out this crazed fish hungry for a valentine.

I know this is supposed to be a fish but the fact it has a snout full of teeth kind of baffles me. Not to mention, it's wearing some sort of skimpy diving outfit.

I know this is supposed to be a fish but the fact it has a snout full of teeth kind of baffles me. Not to mention, it’s wearing some sort of skimpy diving outfit.

6. Nothing will make you feel valued like a valentine featuring a calf.

Uh, I don't think you'd want to use the word "veal" when pertaining to a calf. Also, it seems to stomp on the valentine.

Uh, I don’t think you’d want to use the word “veal” when pertaining to a calf. Also, it seems to stomp on the valentine.

7. “Okay, no tricky moves from you! This is a hold up, see?”

I guess the sex costume here is Wild West prostitute who's armed and dangerous. Then again, I think a guy might want to stay away from her.

I guess the sex costume here is Wild West prostitute who’s armed and dangerous. Then again, I think a guy might want to stay away from her.

8. “I’m prepared to meet your best defense, Valentine, so you’d better be mine!”

Okay, I think this boy might as well give up. No need for the wooden swords and pots and pans. If she doesn't want him, she doesn't want him. He can't force himself on her.

Okay, I think this boy might as well give up. No need for the wooden swords and pots and pans. If she doesn’t want him, she doesn’t want him. He can’t force himself on her.

9. This Native American prefers to have a heart roasted.

Okay, this is kind of offensive to Native Americans. If the heart roasting doesn't raise eyebrows, the speech should.

Okay, this is kind of offensive to Native Americans. If the heart roasting doesn’t raise eyebrows, the speech should.

10. “Gosh, Valentine, don’t you just like me a ‘weenie bit?'”

Of course, this can also be interpreted as, "I'm so desperate for a girlfriend that I'll settle for anything at this point." Also, don't tell me 'weenie bit' means what I think it does.

Of course, this can also be interpreted as, “I’m so desperate for a girlfriend that I’ll settle for anything at this point.” Also, don’t tell me ‘weenie bit’ means what I think it does.

11. “Hose your valentine? Me!”

From Buzzfeed: "I believe there is now an Adult film with this title." Yeah, he seems to be squeezing the nozzle a little too hard.

From Buzzfeed: “I believe there is now an Adult film with this title.” Yeah, he seems to be squeezing the nozzle a little too hard.

12. “Can’t measure my love!”

But if you can't measure one's love, what can you measure? Oh, wait, I think I see what might be going on here.

But if you can’t measure one’s love, what can you measure? Oh, wait, I think I see what might be going on here.

13. Happy Valentine’s Day, now enjoy this picture of a creepy clown dog on the violin.

This dog fiddler is the stuff of nightmares. It's not cute, especially since it has crossed eyes. Look away, I beg of you.

This dog fiddler is the stuff of nightmares. It’s not cute, especially since it has crossed eyes. Look away, I beg of you.

14. Speaking of clowns, hope this one doesn’t play a joke.

Okay, this clown makes the Joker seem like the guy you'd want to bring to a kid's birthday party. Even more disturbing is how he has his hand sticking out of the heart. Creepy.

Okay, this clown makes the Joker seem like the guy you’d want to bring to a kid’s birthday party. Even more disturbing is how he has his hand sticking out of the heart. Creepy.

15. Celebrate Valentine’s Day with love in a sausage.

However, judging by the sausage, this guy may not be looking for love. Yeah, I'm not fooled by the sausage bit.

However, judging by the sausage, this guy may not be looking for love. Yeah, I’m not fooled by the sausage bit.

16. “A valentine for you, I can’t help ‘mooning over you!'”

But explain to me how that rocket seems conveniently located between this girl's legs. Oh, and she's holding a rocket in her hand. I think I know why she might be mooning.

But explain to me how that rocket seems conveniently located between this girl’s legs. Oh, and she’s holding a rocket in her hand. I think I know why she might be mooning.

17. “I don’t want you to be my brother, I want you to be my valentine!”

Okay, that message is a little creepy and I saw Luke kissing Leia in The Empire Strikes Back. However, that woman's face makes me even more uncomfortable because the skin tones certain'y don't match.

Okay, that message is a little creepy and I saw Luke kissing Leia in The Empire Strikes Back. However, that woman’s face makes me even more uncomfortable because the skin tones certain’y don’t match.

18. “Come down ‘off your perch’ and be my valentine, you’d be a ‘birdie.'”

The fact she says this in a bird cage really makes me cringe. I guess she really wants a guy to get her out of there.

The fact she says this in a bird cage really makes me cringe. I guess she really wants a guy to get her out of there.

19. “Do you ‘tank’ you could love me?”

Not if you aim an actual tank at me asking that question. Seriously, military weapons have no place in valentines at all.

Not if you aim an actual tank at me asking that question. Seriously, military weapons have no place in valentines at all.

20. “I’m gonna plow right in and ask you to be my valentine.”

Okay, I really don't have a great feeling about this. But at least it's not being particularly forceful as far as I'm concerned.

Okay, I really don’t have a great feeling about this. But at least it’s not being particularly forceful as far as I’m concerned.

21. “I’ll camp and tramp until I find a girl like you for my valentine!”

So I guess this guy says, "So you better settle down with me or else, I'm going to spend my days as a homeless guy." Also helps if the girl's loaded with cash.

So I guess this guy says, “So you better settle down with me or else, I’m going to spend my days as a homeless guy.” Also helps if the girl’s loaded with cash.

22. Lovers, always beware of Cupid.

Is Cupid supposed to be the African tribesman that's depicted in highly racist caricature? Got it.

Is Cupid supposed to be the African tribesman that’s depicted in highly racist caricature? Got it.

23. “To be ‘frank,’ you’re ‘hot stuff!'”

Sure she may look innocent with her hotdog and fire tongs. But there's fire down below and she's holding the hotdog a little too tight.

Sure she may look innocent with her hotdog and fire tongs. But there’s fire down below and she’s holding the hotdog a little too tight.

24. This archer aims for your heart.

But whether he means to love you or kill you, I can't actually decide. But he seems to have his bow and arrows out either way.

But whether he means to love you or kill you, I can’t actually decide. But he seems to have his bow and arrows out either way.

25. “Want a little ‘harem scarem,’ for your valentine?”

Uh, girl, do you know what a harem is? If you do, are implying that you want group sex or an open relationship? Or do you just want to wear a skimpy costume?

Uh, girl, do you know what a harem is? If you do, are implying that you want group sex or an open relationship? Or do you just want to wear a skimpy costume?

26. “I’ve got my eyes on you, dear valentine!”

However, a girl with a heart head is the stuff of nightmares. No, that's not cute. That's terrifying for a V-Day horror movie.

However, a girl with a heart head is the stuff of nightmares. No, that’s not cute. That’s terrifying for a V-Day horror movie.

27. “I love being ;pushed around,’ valentine! I’m yours!”

You mean pushed around sucking real loud? Because that's what vacuums do. Oh, wait, that's kind of dirty.

You mean pushed around sucking real loud? Because that’s what vacuums do. Oh, wait, that’s kind of dirty.

28. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like being aimed at with a machine gun.

Sure that's a military themed valentine. But still, having a machine gun in one is just fucked up. Seriously, why?

Sure that’s a military themed valentine. But still, having a machine gun in one is just fucked up. Seriously, why?

29. Speaking of military weapons, get a load of this cannon.

Seems like he's a bit happier than expected. Hope the large gun isn't a metaphor for an erection.

Seems like he’s a bit happier than expected. Hope the large gun isn’t a metaphor for an erection.

30. As we all know, a nudist is bad at hiding who she fancies.

I know what you're thinking. How can they have a naked girl on a valentine like this? I'm still asking that question. Yes, she needs to get some clothes on.

I know what you’re thinking. How can they have a naked girl on a valentine like this? I’m still asking that question. Yes, she needs to get some clothes on.

31. “My heart pants for you!”

And it's hung with a bunch of women's undies on the clothes line. I can guess the hidden meaning behind that one.

And it’s hung with a bunch of women’s undies on the clothes line. I can guess the hidden meaning behind that one.

32. “You will get a big piece if you will be my valentine!”

Sorry, but a dog butcher doesn't make this valentine any less disturbing. This is especially when it has a heart on table and cleaver in paw.

Sorry, but a dog butcher doesn’t make this valentine any less disturbing. This is especially when it has a heart on table and cleaver in paw.

33. “Light of my life, do I satisfy?”

Now that can be read in any number of ways. One of them being sexually which might be what this tom cat is implying.

Now that can be read in any number of ways. One of them being sexually which might be what this tom cat is implying.

34. This Valentine’s Day, you should always have 2 on a seesaw.

Up, down, just decide and don't lead on. Of course, there are those who tend to play games with people's hearts on the playground.

Up, down, just decide and don’t lead on. Of course, there are those who tend to play games with people’s hearts on the playground.

35. Hand over your heart, or else.

Because nothing says Valentine's Day like the threat of lethal violence. How romantic!

Because nothing says Valentine’s Day like the threat of lethal violence. How romantic!

36. “I will have an axe to grind unless you’ll be my valentine!”

So I guess this means, "If you say no, I shall have to chop you to pieces." Sorry, but I'll take that risk.

So I guess this means, “If you say no, I shall have to chop you to pieces.” Sorry, but I’ll take that risk.

37. Any boy would wish to have a space themed valentine.

Kind of reminds me of Slim Pickens riding on a missile in Dr. Strangelove. Then again, it might imply something dirtier.

Kind of reminds me of Slim Pickens riding on a missile in Dr. Strangelove. Then again, it might imply something dirtier.

38. “You’re my valentine, sure as shooting.”

And he has his gun aimed like a true buckaroo. Yes, I find these gun valentines quite disturbing as always.

And he has his gun aimed like a true buckaroo. Yes, I find these gun valentines quite disturbing as always.

39. Looks like some fox’s got caught in a trap.

And he needs his valentine to open it to let his tail out. Or else he'd die. But in the meantime, he'll just sit and smell the flowers. No need to hurry.

And he needs his valentine to open it to let his tail out. Or else he’d die. But in the meantime, he’ll just sit and smell the flowers. No need to hurry.

40. Happy Valentine’s Day from the girl who’s trying to lose weight for you.

By the way, that's an old weight loss contraption called a fan belt. And no, it doesn't work. Still, ladies, if you try to lose weight, don't do it for a man.

By the way, that’s an old weight loss contraption called a fan belt. And no, it doesn’t work. Still, ladies, if you try to lose weight, don’t do it for a man.

41. Even sharks need some loving some time.

However, this green suited guy is a card shark. So I don't think he's the best kind of boyfriend. Because he might have a gambling problem. Or eat you alive.

However, this green suited guy is a card shark. So I don’t think he’s the best kind of boyfriend. Because he might have a gambling problem. Or eat you alive.

42. “Slicing baloney is not my line. I love you, my valentine.”

Okay, I might want to stay away from this creepy butcher. Really don't need that in my life.

Okay, I might want to stay away from this creepy butcher. Really don’t need that in my life.

43. If you want to show your appreciation to your teacher, this is the valentine for you.

On the other hand, teacher-student relationships should never be encouraged in any circumstances whatsoever. Doesn't help the kid is dressed in a sailor suit and holding a ruler.

On the other hand, teacher-student relationships should never be encouraged in any circumstances whatsoever. Doesn’t help the kid is dressed in a sailor suit and holding a ruler.

44. “I’m ready to show plenty of action, valentine, if you consent to be mine.”

Well, at least this boy is better about consent then the guys in some of these cards. But the projection is still kind of dirty.

Well, at least this boy is better about consent then the guys in some of these cards. But the projection is still kind of dirty.

45. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like being just out of the shower.

It's valentines like these that make me suspect that these vintage cards were made for adults. This especially goes for the ones with people naked like this.

It’s valentines like these that make me suspect that these vintage cards were made for adults. This especially goes for the ones with people naked like this.

46. “Let’s have a real blow out today!”

Or is it supposed to be blowjob? Because that's how I take it away from this picture.

Or is it supposed to be blowjob? Because that’s how I take it away from this picture.

47. Here’s a card that says, “Be my valentine, I’ll do anything like the housework.”

Well, this boy may not have much going for him. But he'll probably succeed in picking up chicks though he may not like doing chores.

Well, this boy may not have much going for him. But he’ll probably succeed in picking up chicks though he may not like doing chores. Still, he’s kind of creepy.

48. “Pick out a heart but be sure it’s mine, valentine!”

Hmmm...not sure if that's going to work since the two really don't see eye to eye. This particularly the case when one has a freakishly long neck like an ostrich or a giraffe.

Hmmm…not sure if that’s going to work since the two really don’t see eye to eye. This particularly the case when one has a freakishly long neck like an ostrich or a giraffe.

49. “Don’t be afraid, you’re going to be my valentine!”

Uh, girl, you have every right to be afraid right now. Because you're being pursued by a monstrous shadow with a card. Yeah, run for your life now.

Uh, girl, you have every right to be afraid right now. Because you’re being pursued by a monstrous shadow with a card. Yeah, run for your life now.

50. If you won’t be mind, then I’ll fade away until I’m all bones, you bonehead.

I'm sure this would be perfect if your sweetheart's a goth. Still, such sentiments from someone might mean they really need a therapist.

I’m sure this would be perfect if your sweetheart’s a goth. Still, such sentiments from someone might mean they really need a therapist.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Third Edition)

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As I demonstrated before in my last 2 vintage Christmas card posts, people tend to gravitate toward these cards during the holidays for their cozy artwork and cutesy imagery. Yet, as I’ve also showed before, not all vintage Christmas cards are as lovely as this one above or the ones you remember. I like this image since it has a lovely candle inside a lantern along with holly berries and leaves as well as a red bow. Sure it’s kind of an image you’d expect from a Christmas card. But if I devote an entire post to the lovely vintage Christmas cards many of you may go for, then I won’t have anyone to view it. So instead again, I’ll stick to the ones that many of my older viewers would rather forget. You know ones that might make you scratch your head since they don’t make much sense. Or ones you probably didn’t know even existed. So for your reading holiday pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage Christmas cards from yesterday.

  1. “I hope your Christmas stocking will be full from top to toe.”
"So what can be in here? Switchblades? Handguns? Traps? This is going to be the best most dangerous game ever."

“So what can be in here? Switchblades? Handguns? Traps? This is going to be the best most dangerous game ever.”

2. Merry Christmas to the children who go to great lengths to see Santa.

"Kid, you're supposed to send me a letter to the North Pole of what you want for Christmas. Not go to deliver it personally in my workshop. Also, you'll probably freeze to death in that outfit."

“Kid, you’re supposed to send me a letter to the North Pole of what you want for Christmas. Not go to deliver it personally in my workshop. Also, you’ll probably freeze to death in that outfit.”

3. Frosty the Snowman would like to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Okay, that has to be one of the creepiest snowmen I've seen. Also, why does he have shamrocks? That's for the wrong holiday.

Okay, that has to be one of the creepiest snowmen I’ve seen. Also, why does he have shamrocks? That’s for the wrong holiday.

4. You never know what you’ll find in Santa’s sack or under his cloak.

So he has a bunch of child angels under his cloak. So what happened to these kids? Did they die? Did Santa kidnap them?

So he has a bunch of child angels under his cloak. So what happened to these kids? Did they die? Did Santa kidnap them?

5. During the Christmas season, you’ll often find Santa answering letters in his workshop.

"Little Jimmy wants a new iPad? That's like the 1,000th one this week. This answering letters is a pain in my ass."

“Little Jimmy wants a new iPad? That’s like the 1,000th one this week. This answering letters is a pain in my ass.”

6. Bad kids this Christmas should beware of the Krampus who gives them a good beating and abduction they deserve.

However, this card doesn't help that Krampus smacks the smallest kid while the other children seem straight from your nightmares. Wish he went after the girl in the yellow dress. She's creepy.

However, this card doesn’t help that Krampus smacks the smallest kid while the other children seem straight from your nightmares. Wish he went after the girl in the yellow dress. She’s creepy.

7. Of course, Santa can always enjoy a good time now and then.

But dancing with a woman who's not Mrs. Claus? That'll probably put him in the North Pole doghouse for awhile. Bad Santa.

But dancing with a woman who’s not Mrs. Claus? That’ll probably put him in the North Pole doghouse for awhile. Bad Santa.

8. May your Christmas with friends and family make you as chummy as these clams.

To be fair, this is a British card. However, why they have standing clams looking at a ship is the question. Yeah, probably inspired by a Victorian drug trip.

To be fair, this is a British card. However, why they have standing clams looking at a ship is the question. Yeah, probably inspired by a Victorian drug trip.

9. Merry Christmas from Santa on his magic carpet ride.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. Here we have Santa on a magic carpet with a jet plane in the background. Aladdin and Jasmine were in a similar situation on SNL.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Here we have Santa on a magic carpet with a jet plane in the background. Aladdin and Jasmine were in a similar situation on SNL.

10. This Christmas please make sure you mind what you’re cooking for dinner.

Because you'll never know what kind of brown ball thing would jump at you. Yes, that goose really didn't know what was coming to her.

Because you’ll never know what kind of brown ball thing would jump at you. Yes, that goose really didn’t know what was coming to her.

11. Christmas dinner monster wishes you a merry Christmas.

Talk about your food coming to life and haunting your dreams. Really don't want to know what that thing is.

Talk about your food coming to life and haunting your dreams. Really don’t want to know what that thing is.

12. “Don’t you remember when you felt like this on Christmas morning?”

What do you mean? Getting the shakes? Because this boy seems like he's possessed by some demon or something. I mean something's not right with him.

What do you mean? Getting the shakes? Because this boy seems like he’s possessed by some demon or something. I mean something’s not right with him.

13. Somewhere in town Santa stops to take a smoking break.

And these boys just have to pop up to steal some of his stash behind his back. Nice, kids. what a great way to get yourselves on the naughty list.

And these boys just have to pop up to steal some of his stash behind his back. Nice, kids. what a great way to get yourselves on the naughty list.

14. Merry Christmas now enjoy this picture of a child performing a circus act with a dog riding a pig.

I really have no idea what the hell this has to do with Christmas. Yet, let's hope the dog and pig don't get whipped by the kid.

I really have no idea what the hell this has to do with Christmas. Yet, let’s hope the dog and pig don’t get whipped by the kid.

15. You never know what goes on in your Christmas tree.

After all, a red Christmas candle could be making out with a sugar plum for all I know. Still, don't know why they thought this was a good idea.

After all, a red Christmas candle could be making out with a sugar plum for all I know. But the sugar plum will have to watch out if he doesn’t want to get burned. Still, don’t know why they thought this was a good idea.

16. On Christmas, holly always goes well with mistletoe.

And it looks like these children are about to kiss each other in a romantic embrace which isn't age appropriate in the least. Seriously, if they wanted to do a card of holly and mistletoe making out why use kids? Couldn't they just use 2 adults instead?

And it looks like these children are about to kiss each other in a romantic embrace which isn’t age appropriate in the least. Seriously, if they wanted to do a card of holly and mistletoe making out why use kids? Couldn’t they just use 2 adults instead? That’s not right.

17. Of course, there’s always that one kid who’s cared of Santa Claus.

This is especially the case when Santa tends to resemble an old red suited dwarf from the Hobbit who's no bigger than the kid. Yeah, I can see why that kid would freak out.

This is especially the case when Santa tends to resemble an old red suited dwarf from the Hobbit who’s no bigger than the kid. Yeah, I can see why that kid would freak out.

18. Children are always excited to see what Santa left for them under the tree.

But Santa better watch out for these children, especially the younger one. Because if he didn't bring them what they wanted, that dark hair kid is sure to commit bloody murder on him.

But Santa better watch out for these children, especially the younger one. Because if he didn’t bring them what they wanted, that dark hair kid is sure to commit bloody murder on him.

19. Pothead wishes you compliments of the season.

Yes, this gives a whole new meaning to the term, "pothead." And I'm sure he'll pour boiling water on you if you piss him off. Still, wouldn't be surprised if this card was designed by potheads though it was made before the 1960s.

Yes, this gives a whole new meaning to the term, “pothead.” And I’m sure he’ll pour boiling water on you if you piss him off. Still, wouldn’t be surprised if this card was designed by potheads though it was made before the 1960s.

20. Hope you have all the luck this Christmas.

Once again, we have offensive black stereotypes at the forefront. No, I don't think a black maid and her daughter will have much luck. Still, racism was prevalent in this time and it shows.

Once again, we have offensive black stereotypes at the forefront. No, I don’t think a black maid and her daughter will have much luck. Still, racism was prevalent in this time and it shows.

21. Remember, kids, be good this Christmas or the Krampus will get you.

Even St. Nick is like, "Jesus, Krampus, you're supposed to kidnap spoiled brats! Those are fucking babies! Not cool."

Even St. Nick is like, “Jesus, Krampus, you’re supposed to kidnap spoiled brats! Those are fucking babies! Not cool.”

22. Like Santa, Krampus even has his own little helpers to assist him.

Though Krampus tends to kidnap and punish naughty children on Christmas, he likes to involve his kids in the trade. For a scary guy like him, you at least have to respect that.

Though Krampus tends to kidnap and punish naughty children on Christmas, he likes to involve his kids in the trade. For a scary guy like him, you at least have to respect that.

23. How about Krampus join you riding on your rocking horse?

Okay, I can understand why this kid can be scared since Krampus has chains. But somehow I find it hard to take seriously.

Okay, I can understand why this kid can be scared since Krampus has chains. But somehow I find it hard to take seriously.

24. As we all know, once Santa makes a stop, it’s down the chimney he goes.

I don't know about Santa's face in this one. For some reason, he doesn't seem like his jolly old self here.

I don’t know about Santa’s face in this one. For some reason, he doesn’t seem like his jolly old self here. Guess the work must really get to him.

25. Instead of Santa Claus giving presents from his sack in his sleigh, how about an angel shooting present from a tank?

After shooting presents from a tank is much more efficient. Still, this just strange to me.

After shooting presents from a tank is much more efficient. Still, this just strange to me.

26. Christmas time is always one of merriment and good cheer.

However, if you belong to a group of street musicians, you might want to watch out for old ladies dumping water on you. Hate to be the drummer here.

However, if you belong to a group of street musicians, you might want to watch out for old ladies dumping water on you. Hate to be the drummer here.

27. “As the master of Christmas ceremonies, I declare we have ribs as the main course.”

Yes, I know what you're thinking. See the king dub the ribs while the poultry and pigs are watching in clothes. Don't ask me to make sense of it.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. See the king dub the ribs while the poultry and pigs are watching in clothes. Don’t ask me to make sense of it.

28. This Christmas, perhaps take your time to see the frog parade.

You tend to see frogs a lot in Victorian Christmas cards for some strange reason. And this consists of a frog procession. Don't ask me why.

You tend to see frogs a lot in Victorian Christmas cards for some strange reason. And this consists of a frog procession. Don’t ask me why.

29. Speaking of frogs, these stretching ones wish a merry Christmas to you.

Once again, I can't explain this. Nor do I understand why they have their legs in the air. Perhaps this is a frog aerobic session for all I know.

Once again, I can’t explain this. Nor do I understand why they have their legs in the air. Perhaps this is a frog aerobic session for all I know. Or did they just fall on the ice?

30. Celebrate this Christmas like a group of drunk birds this time of year.

Even the cat is like, "Man, this is fucked up." Two of them are even passed out on their backs. Guess they must really party hard.

Even the cat is like, “Man, this is fucked up.” Two of them are even passed out on their backs. Guess they must really party hard.

31. “Do you want to build a snowman?”

Of course, in Victorian times, building a snowman with your friends was one way you could freak out the neighbors. Olaf from Frozen it ain't.

Of course, in Victorian times, building a snowman with your friends was one way you could freak out the neighbors. Olaf from Frozen it ain’t.

32. Aside from making toys and answering letters, sometimes Santa takes to the spinning wheel.

For some reason, not only is Santa skinny, but he also doesn't seem to be jolly. Guess he's pissed that he had to go on a diet and now takes spinning every time he things about food other than meal times.

For some reason, not only is Santa skinny, but he also doesn’t seem to be jolly. Guess he’s pissed that he had to go on a diet and now takes spinning every time he things about food other than meal times.

33. “Susie, I have for you a new doll just what you always wanted.”

Uh, Susie, are you sure that's Santa and not some creep with a windowless carriage? Because I have my doubts.

Uh, Susie, are you sure that’s Santa and not some creep with a windowless carriage? Because I have my doubts.

34. “Well! This looks good.”

Santa seems to have his eye on the sleeping girl here. Yeah, that looks very creepy if you ask me.

Santa seems to have his eye on the sleeping girl here. Yeah, that looks very creepy if you ask me.

35. Nothing says Christmas like a couple of chickens sled riding.

Even crazier is that they have human hands. Don't ask me why they thought it was a good idea. It was probably inspired by a Victorian acid trip.

Even crazier is that they have human hands. Don’t ask me why they thought it was a good idea. It was probably inspired by a Victorian acid trip.

36. Remember, kids, don’t interrupt Frosty the Snowman when he’s sleeping in.

Or else, you'll probably end up like these kids if you disturb him. Yes, you wouldn't want to be around Frosty when he's angry.

Or else, you’ll probably end up like these kids if you disturb him. Yes, you wouldn’t want to be around Frosty when he’s angry.

37. “May Christmas time be full of pleasure/And Santa bring you many a treasure.”

From Bytes: "An extraordinarily gifted child with the brush. Is it me or does the ladder seem to not be leaning against the wall at the right angle when compared to the writing?" He better watch it if he doesn't want to break his neck.

From Bytes: “An extraordinarily gifted child with the brush. Is it me or does the ladder seem to not be leaning against the wall at the right angle when compared to the writing?” He better watch it if he doesn’t want to break his neck.

38. “Wishing you a right merry Christmas!”

Don't worry, kids, the creepy clown is too busy eating to kill you at the moment. Still, don't go near him since he's holding a knife.

Don’t worry, kids, the creepy clown is too busy eating to kill you at the moment. Still, don’t go near him since he’s holding a knife.

39. Some children buy Christmas cards, some make their own.

"I'll send this one to my cousin Lucy and inside I'll write that I hope she comes to a terrible and painful end. That'll show her not to steal my stamp collection."

“I’ll send this one to my cousin Lucy and inside I’ll write that I hope she comes to a terrible and painful end. That’ll show her not to steal my stamp collection.”

40. These birds wish you a joyful yuletide.

Yet, as to why they're flying in a holly wreath, I have absolutely no idea. I mean.birds fly while holly leaves have thorns on them.

Yet, as to why they’re flying in a holly wreath, I have absolutely no idea. I mean.birds fly while holly leaves have thorns on them.

41. On Christmas, treat yourself to dinner and a show.

Well, I've heard the expression "dinner and a show" but this is utterly ridiculous. This is especially since they each have their heads on a plate.

Well, I’ve heard the expression “dinner and a show” but this is utterly ridiculous. This is especially since they each have their heads on a plate.

42. Looks like Santa decided to drop in this time of night on Christmas Eve.

However, looking at the window, I have a reasonable suspicion he showed up early because he thinks the mom is hot. Sure he may be naughty here, but it's possible these kids will receive wonderful Christmas presents.

However, looking at the window, I have a reasonable suspicion he showed up early because he thinks the mom is hot. Sure he may be naughty here, but it’s possible these kids will receive wonderful Christmas presents.

43. A merry Christmas to the woman who snagged Frosty the Snowman’s head.

Okay, this is messed up on so many levels. The snowman has no body yet, he's smiling. What the hell?

Okay, this is messed up on so many levels. The snowman has no body yet, he’s smiling. What the hell?

44. Merry Christmas and hope you can hunt foxes from that toy horse.

I know that fox hunts are customary in England. But toy horse hunts? What?

I know that fox hunts are customary in England. But toy horse hunts? What?

45. On Christmas Eve, you can expect Santa to to give you presents from his large sack of toys.

However, this Santa has a very sinister grin on his face that might suggest he plans to do something terrible once he's down the chimney. I don't know what but I have a bad feeling about this.

However, this Santa has a very sinister grin on his face that might suggest he plans to do something terrible once he’s down the chimney. I don’t know what but I have a bad feeling about this.

46. Merry Christmas and please accept your presents dropped from the plane.

These kids receive gifts and baskets from the plane like they're expecting relief packaging. And there's no Santa in sight.

These kids receive gifts and baskets from the plane like they’re expecting relief packaging. And there’s no Santa in sight.

47. A merry Christmas from the snowman trying to keep dry.

Because it seems like he's not enjoying the yuletide season for good reason. Guess he'll become snow slush any time now.

Because it seems like he’s not enjoying the yuletide season for good reason. Guess he’ll become snow slush any time now.

48. The yam man would like to extend his Christmas greetings.

Okay, he has the head of a man. Yet, his body is all roots. Please don't ask me. I have no idea why they thought it would make a good Christmas card.

Okay, he has the head of a man. Yet, his body is all roots. Please don’t ask me. I have no idea why they thought it would make a good Christmas card.

49. For Christmas, anyone is lucky to see 2 angles on a motorcycle.

Not sure if angel robes would make great to ride a motorcycle like that. Also, don't they have wings to use for flying? Doesn't make sense.

Not sure if angel robes would make great to ride a motorcycle like that. Also, don’t they have wings to use for flying? Doesn’t make sense.

50.  These cats are outside this Christmas waiting to greet you.

Because nothing says Christmas like seeing cats in tall hats armed with clubs. Don't like how this is going down.

Because nothing says Christmas like seeing cats in tall hats armed with clubs. Guess “greet” means “bet senseless to the ground.” Don’t like how this will going down.