Bad Movie Bosses

Of course, we all have to deal with a bad boss sometime or another, especially if we’re working a job we don’t like or possibly the only one we could get. Still, when it comes to work, most of us decide to put up with terrible bosses since you really can’t quit a job like you can quit a relationship or what not. After all, people depend on their jobs for so much that they’re willing to put up with 8 hours in hell if they could get a paycheck to pay for their basic needs. And in a job market like this, it’s not easy just to tell your boss where to shove it and throw caution to the winds because getting another job isn’t easy (it’s actually a complete hell, especially if you have student loan bills to worry about). Of course, sometimes the movie world is no exception to this in which a lot of bosses do make their life difficult for their employees. Some of them are incompetent and careless. Some are downright evil and chronic backstabbers. And some just abuse their power as well as cause a lot of destruction. So to salute Labor Day weekend, here is a list of terrible movie bosses you don’t want to work for.

1. Captain Ahab

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From: Moby Dick

Occupation: Captain of the Pequod.

The Problem: Single-minded obsessions which are self-destructive and result in his crew’s endangerment. Also, is practically insane.

Sure we all know that killing whales is a grisly and dangerous profession that requires months away from home in the early 19th century. Of course, people today wouldn’t approve killing whales for lamp oil and other products (besides food if you’re Japanese or a Pacific Northwest Indian) but people’s homes have to be lit some way. Still, Captain Ahab makes the list of bad movie bosses because of how his single minded obsession not only leads to his own self-destruction and insanity but also to the endangerment of his crew and ship. Ahab may be a competent captain who inspires great loyalty in his crew but his obsession with Moby Dick practically consumes him that he cares about little else whether it be his crew’s welfare or focusing on the mission’s bottom line which is to hunt whales. It doesn’t help that his second-in-command Starbuck realizes that his captain has gone insane and shouldn’t be in command.  Even  worse is that Captain Ahab is competent and charismatic enough to get most of his crew to go along with his Moby Dick obsession (not that they had any choice since they’re all stuck on a ship, you know). Still, though Captain Ahab is dragged into the ocean by the white whale in the end, the ship is destroyed and everyone in the crew is dead save the narrator. Let’s just say that such destruction would’ve been avoided if Starbuck’s sense of duty didn’t override his common sense to throw Ahab to the sharks.

2. Willy Wonka

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From: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Occupation: Confectionery Industrialist and Entrepreneur

The Problem: Workplace endangerment, caring little for people, and heavily skewed priorities. Also, isn’t quite right in the head.

Let’s face it, despite having a factory to the specifications of any kid’s dream (or nightmares), you don’t want to work for Willy Wonka. Sure he may love his candy and his factory, but we have to understand that Wonka is a nutty recluse and control freak who doesn’t give a damn about other people and he’s very lucky that people in his community don’t have a raging hatred for him. Wonka may have a right to be overly concerned with corporate espionage since the candy business was highly competitive. Yet, firing your entire workforce with perhaps little or no compensation just seems a bit of overkill. And replacing it with a nation of Oompah Loompahs who don’t earn any money for their work kind of seems to add insult to injury. Not only that, but Wonka kind of isolates these people in his factory who may be susceptible to who knows what after he takes a group of kids on a tour. Still, Wonka’s employees may look up to him but he uses them for experiments with candy that wouldn’t be FDA approved and his  factory is basically a dangerous work place filled with all kinds of death traps. And it doesn’t help that Wonka is more preoccupied with aesthetics and his candy than practical safety issues. Not to mention other concerns that the movies haven’t shown. You can read it all here from one of my previous posts: https://historymaniacmegan.wordpress.com/2014/08/21/willy-wonka-and-the-workplace-violations-report/ . And if there’s a movie boss whose workplace violations report can make a good blog post, then Wonka is a very bad boss indeed.

3. Dr. Julia Harris D. D. S.

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From: Horrible Bosses

Occupation: Dentist

The Problem: Sexual harassment, sexual assault, abuse of power, no respect for consent laws or workplace ethics, and blackmail.

Now Horrible Bosses has three people who can be worthy of the World’s Worst Boss mug. Yet, out of these three, Julia Harris seems to stand out for me, especially how she treats her hygienist Dale Arbus. Julia belongs on this list since she’s one of the best movie examples of how sexual harassment in the workplace could make an employee’s life an absolute hell, especially if the harasser is your boss. Sure Julia may be played by Jennifer Aniston, but she’s constantly making sexual advances on Dale who doesn’t like it at all. Of course, Dale is engaged to be married, a fact Julia doesn’t seem to respect and is willing to ruin his relationship unless he sleeps with her, willingly or not. And it doesn’t help that Dale is basically stuck working for her due to being on a sex offender list for public urination near a playground nor the fact that Julia tends to sexually assault her own male patients while unconscious. Basically Julia’s behavior toward Dale makes him feel so powerless and sees her as such a threat to his relationship with his fiancee that he’s willing to commit extralegal activities like murder and blackmail. Being a hygienist for a gorgeous dentist might be a straight man’s fantasy but not if her sex crazed antics have a potential to ruin your life.

4. Fagin

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From: Oliver Twist and its subsequent adaptations

Occupation: Criminal Gang Boss

The Problem: Takes advantage of poor desperate children and doesn’t give a rat’s ass about them. Also, kind of abusive.

Now you probably don’t want to work for a lot of bosses in many Dickensian works since many of them tend to be bastards who make bastards who make little kids work in horrendous conditions for starvation wages and aren’t held accountable to whatever damage they cause since these works were written in the 19th century. Let’s just say that out of all Dickensian bosses Ebenezer Scrooge is benevolent in comparison even before being visited by three ghosts on the night before Christmas. Bad as Scrooge may be but at least most of his employees were adults with desk jobs as far as the adaptations are concerned. Still, I have Fagin on the list because he’s basically a bottom feeder in an awful system. Now he’s the kind of representative criminal you’d find in the slums of Victorian England who would take in children who basically have no where else to go but either the workhouse or the streets and train them in pickpocketing and other illegal activities. Sure Fagin may teach these kids how to make a living but he’s also creating a legion of juvenile delinquents destined to go to very bad ends, thus making him a terrible role model. Also, he makes them steal for him and takes a share of the proceeds adding to his wealth. Not only that, he cares more about accumulating wealth and not getting caught than the welfare of those under his wing, especially those kids hanged by the authorities. And he also displays abusive behavior to those kids who don’t do his bidding like the Artful Dodger as well as throw others out who don’t perform up to snuff. Basically this guy is a bastard in more ways than one and the fact he’s a criminal who recruits children he unapologetically mistreats just makes it worse.

5. Franklin Hart Jr.

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From: 9 to 5

Occupation: Corporate Executive

The Problem: Corruption, incompetence, bullying, sexual harassment, sexism, and blackmail.

Dabney Coleman was the go to guy for corrupt corporate executives in the 1980s and this film is no exception. Of course, what stands out is that he’s a sexist pig in a workplace of mostly female employees. And it’s perfectly clear that many of them are more competent of running the company than he is, especially Violet Newstead who has great ideas Hart is willing to steal from, but isn’t willing to give her a promotion solely due to her sex. He hits on his married secretary Doralee Rhodes by spreading false rumors that they’re having an affair (though they are not) that results in her losing credibility in the office. Oh, and he cruelly yells at and threatens Judy Bernley after she made a mistake on her first day at work and fires another female worker over an overheard conversation on salary differences. And what’s worse is that Hart sees absolutely nothing wrong with any of it. You can see why Violet, Doralee, and Judy conspire to murder (and later kidnap) him and the office is a much better place after they do.

6. Jeff D. Sheldrake

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From: The Apartment

Occupation: Corporate Executive

The Problem: Being a top boss in a toxic corporate culture, rewarding employees for what they could do for him than actual competence, sexual harassment, corruption, and driving a female employee to try to kill herself.

Fred MacMurray may be best remembered by your parents as the father on My Three Sons despite the fact he was an utter turd in The Caine Mutiny and couldn’t keep it in his pants in Double Indemnity. In The Apartment, he’s an utter turd who can’t keep it in his pants with a family as well as a cushy senior executive job at any insurance company. Now C. C. Baxter’s is a man who’s so desperate to get ahead that he’s willing to let his superior executives use his apartment for their extra-marital proclivities. Unfortunately, this leaves Baxter with an undeserved reputation as a hard drinking womanizer and not much of a personal life outside his workplace. Despite his apparently nice facade, Sheldrake is basically the worst of the lot for not only does he promote Baxter on the condition that he use his underling’s apartment for his own affair but is also sleeping with Baxter’s crush an elevator girl Fran Kubelik who has a bad case of low self-esteem. And Kubelik is only one  in a long line of Sheldrake’s conquests who were all manipulated and lied to just so Sheldrake could get a little bit on the side. Sheldrake cares nothing about Kubelik and when his Christmas gift to her of $100 leads her to attempt suicide, he just spends Christmas with his family and has Baxter deal with the ordeal. Let’s just say if you have to choose between your career and love interest while working for this steaming piece of shit, go with the love interest.

7. Gordon Gekko

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From: Wall Street

Occupation: Corporate Raider

The Problem: Greed, corruption, has no concern to care or invest in employees’ well-being, abuse of power, bullying, and backstabbing.

Gordon Gekko is basically unrestrained greed personified and a man who truly loves capitalism above all else. Sure he may seem charming at first and may be wiling to show you the ropes of corporate finance. However, remember that while he’s great to work for when things are going well, he’s absolute terror when the deal goes bad and doesn’t give a damn about who he screws over or which employees he throws under the bus. All he cares about is making money, gaining power, and being rich, plain and simple. After all, he did say, “Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures, the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge, has marked the upward surge of mankind and greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the U.S.A” Gekko will claw his way to the top even if it means dirty dealing and insider trading or go to jail for trying while taking a few with him. And he’s not above berating his employees or resorting to physical force if he so chooses. Still, it’s no wonder that Michael Douglas cringes whenever he hears from stockbrokers how Gordon Gekko inspired them to become stockbrokers. Gekko may be seen as a financial role model for libertarians and people on Wall Street, but he’s a horrible man you wouldn’t want to work for as well as a horrible human being.

8. Lieutenant Colonel Nicholson

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From: Bridge on the River Kwai

Occupation: British Army Officer and POW

The Problem: Basically drives his men complete a building project as a morale building exercise, but ends up having his unit commit treason instead. Also driving his men to exhaustion in order to complete the said bridge. Having very skewed priorities.

Of course, being POW in a Japanese prison camp during World War II was a terrible experience for any soldier, especially in Southeast Asia since it involved a lot of hard labor in the jungle as well as sparse accommodations and torture. You can hardly blame Lt. Col. Nicholson for wanting to make things better for his men at the prison camp as well as try to build their morale. Nicholson is willing to stick up for his men as well has have the Colonel Saito conduct his camp in accordance to the Geneva Conventions. Yes, he has a lot of guts and means very well yet Nicholson thinks that helping the Japanese build a bridge for their railroad would be a great morale building exercise for his men and its completion would exemplify the ingenuity and hard work of the British Army for generations. And he’s willing to drive his drive his men to exhaustion to complete the bridge on time whether they like it or not. Unfortunately, Nicholson basically too consumed in the project to realize that he’s collaborating with the enemy and having his men commit treason against their own country at a time of war. I’m sure that once the war is over, his men are going to wish they would’ve fragged him or at least escaped with Shears when they had the chance. Despite that Nicholson isn’t a bad guy and may have redeemed himself by blowing up the bridge, his soldiers are going to remember him as a national disgrace and regret what they’ve done, especially if they’re being tried for war crimes back home. Nicholson should’ve just tried to escape or at least not have cared so much about building that damned bridge.

9. Hilly Holbrook

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From: The Help

Occupation: Housewife and Socialite

The Problem: Racism, thanklessness, entitlement, vindictiveness, and overall nastiness.

Now in being a black maid in segregation era  America was a very thankless job that pertained to doing housework for some white woman who saw their servants as less than equal. Minny Jackson has it incredibly bad under Hilly, a snooty and entitled bitch who treats her employees like disease ridden animals (as well as everyone else’s). She even insists that her maids use a separate bathroom and fires Minny for using her bathroom during a potentially deadly thunderstorm. Luckily Minny gets the last laugh by having Hilly eat her chocolate and feces pie. Minny’s successor Yule May Davis has it far worse since she ended up fired for stealing and pawning Hilly’s ring so she could have money to pay for her twins sons’ tuition that Hilly wouldn’t lend to her which was $75. Oh, and she has Aibileen Clark framed for stealing loaned silver cutlery and fired by her boss after Aibileen basically denounces her as the godless vindictive woman she is.

10. Margaret Tate

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From: The Proposal

Occupation: Executive Editor in Chief

The Problem: Sexual harassment, forcing an employee to marry her, blackmail, and abuse of power.

Now Margaret Tate may be a maniacal, insensitive, and annoying career bitch. However, she makes the list because she basically forced one of her employees to marry her when she’s under the threat of deportation. Sure this movie is a romantic comedy but making an employee marry you for whatever reason (or pretending to be engaged) whether expired Visa or not is an abuse of power. Oh, and it doesn’t help that she’s putting Andrew Paxton at risk for felony charges for immigration fraud that amount to a fine of $250,000 and 5 years in prison. Of course, to avert this means they have to go on a trip to meet Andrew’s family  in Alaska. Now Margaret and Andrew may live happily ever after as far as we know, yet we’re sure that having a relationship with your boss wasn’t much of a choice for Andrew. And it doesn’t help that he disliked her so much while working for her. This isn’t a great beginning to a beautiful relationship and if I had a male employer who tried to force me to marry him for whatever reason (even with blackmail), I would just quit my job, especially if I disliked the guy in the first place. Besides, I’m not sure if Margaret knew whether Andrew was seeing anyone in the first place, which also has its share of negative repercussions.

11. Colonel Nathan R. Jessup

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From: A Few Good Men

Occupation: United States Marine Corps Officer and Commander of the Guatanamo Bay Naval Base

The Problem: Being a trigger happy psychopath, showing no loyalty to his troops, having a volatile personality, hypocrisy, illegally ordering a murder, driving a subordinate to suicide, corruption, refusal to take responsibility, and abuse of power.

Now say what you want about Lt. Col. Nicholson but he’s practically a saint compared to Colonel Jessup who is just one bad guy running Guatanamo Bay almost akin to a Nazi prison camp. While Nicholson tried to do what he thought was best for his men, Jessup shows no honor and loyalty for his troops and would sooner have one physically punished illegally and so dangerously that he dies from the encounter which he covers up rather than send him away on point of principle. He also forces a subordinate to forge a transfer order of a murdered marine which leads the guy to commit suicide before he could testify against Jessup in court.  And even when Jessup admits to directly ordering an illegal “Code Red” disciplinary measure, he feels incensed at being held responsible for it and feels that he’s totally justified in what he’s done. Sure he may give a great speech like “You can’t handle the truth!” and talk about how it’s supposed to be the duty of the strong to protect the weak, but he basically betrayed when he had  a kid brutalized and accidentally killed for being weak. If your commanding officer is like him, I suggest you file for a transfer immediately before he orders you to do something that could get you court-martialed. And if transfer wasn’t an option, you might want to opt for a dishonorable discharge on insubordination since the most popular court-martial defense is “I was just following orders.”

12. John Milton

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From: The Devil’s Advocate

Occupation: Attorney

The Problem: He’s basically Satan and technically evil. Also, corruption, murder, and nepotism.

The aptly named John Milton is basically the devil in the flesh in this 1997 film in which he runs a corrupt, high-powered, and multinational New York City legal office with global connections called Milton, Chadwick & Waters which is composed of immoral humans and his own demons. Of course, many of these lawyers they also happen to be his kids to all kinds of women he raped, including Kevin Lomax himself. And he hopes that his kids would mate with each other and produce the Antichrist. However, he’s not above bringing out the worst in his legal employees and his influence has Kevin transform from a simple country lawyer to a highly corrupt and morally dissolute New York City attorney that would make the cast of Boston Legal seem like a church choir. And as for Lomax, working for the devil, he becomes engulfed in demonic forces that ruin his career and drives his wife to madness and suicide. Oh, and he uses his legal firm to exploit the legal system to get as many violent criminals off the hook and spread corruption all over the world, hoping that Earth would become such a perversion that it will hurt Heaven and God. Also, tends to kill any of his employees who threaten to expose him. Basically he’s a literal boss from hell.

13. Patrick Bateman

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From: American Psycho

Occupation: Wall Street Investment Banker and Corporate Executive

The Problem: He’s an absolutely competitive and a complete psycho with rather disturbing fantasies. Also has a lot of addictions and is inflicted with conspicuous consumption.

Sure he may be played by Christian Bale and seem rather charismatic and friendly with a taste in designer clothes. However, as to why anyone would want to work for him or with him is anyone’s guess. And it doesn’t help that his gay colleague and his secretary are both in love with him. Bateman has the distinction as one of the most believable psychopaths in film and has scored hire on the APD/sociopathy checklist than the Joker or Hannibal Lecter. To put a long story short, Bateman is a rich, shallow, yuppie type who’s addicted to sex, drugs, and conspicuous consumption. Yet, he has another hobby on the side which is killing (and sometimes raping) people whether it be colleagues, prostitutes, or the homeless. Also, he could kill his colleagues (or subordinates) for some of the stupidest reasons whether it be over a business deal nobody knows about in detail, having a better business card than him, and being able to get a reservation at a popular restaurant. Oh, and he’s willing to sarcastically confess his crimes and sociopathy to fellow colleagues which nobody seems to take seriously. And he tries to murder his secretary with a nail gun when she finds a journal depicting his grisly rapes and murders. I’d rather be unemployed than work for such a racist, sexist, homophobic, and extremely elitist selfish killing machine. This is especially true if he’s a fan of Huey Lewis & the News.

14. Meredith Johnson

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From: Disclosure

Occupation: Corporate Executive

The Problem: Sexual harassment, abuse of power, attempted rape, and backstabbing.

Despite being played by Demi Moore, Meredith Johnson is the worst boss you’d ever want to be involved in a relationship with, especially if you’re her ex Tom Sanders. Right from the time she’s promoted to CEO of DigiCom (a job that Tom probably should’ve had), Meredith aggressively tries to resume her romantic relationship with Tom despite that he’s now married family man and repeatedly turns her down. Yet, Meredith doesn’t seem to care and even forces herself on him though Tom ends up spurning her and pushing her to the ground. In revenge for not having sex wit her, Meredith tries to ruin Tom’s life and career for suing him for sexual harassment and later tries to make him a scapegoat for the recent problems with the quality of the company’s products. And for a while, it seems that Tom is screwed since nobody in his company believes what Meredith was doing to him. It’s basically what you get if the lady from Fatal Attraction was your boss, well, sort of. Still, if Tom had given in, his marriage would’ve been over and Meredith still would’ve sued him for sexual harassment anyway.

15. August Rosenbluth

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From: Water for Elephants

Occupation: Circus Owner, Ringmaster, and Head Animal Trainer

The Problem: Cruelty to animals, abuse, bullying, and intimidation.

He may seem charming and kind at first but he has a vicious streak a mile wide. This guy is an animal slave driver who’s willing to drive his four legged performers to exhaustion and injury since he believes that the suffering of animals is nothing compared what people go through. He’s not so much nicer to people since he expects his animals and employee to follow his orders to the very letter. And he’s not afraid to throw people from the train who disobey him or beat the shit out of them. Oh, and he’s possessive and physically abusive to his wife and if you try to run off with her, he’ll go to great lengths to make sure you’re dead even if he has to send two thugs to beat you up. Let’s just say, nobody wouldn’t be upset if he got trampled by an elephant on any given day.

16. E. Edward Grey

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From: Secretary

Occupation: Attorney

The Problem: Sexual harassment, taking advantage of employee’s insecurity, and abuse of power.

Now this movie is basically what 50 Shades of Grey would be as a workplace romantic comedy. Of course, E. Edward Grey may not be an abusive psycho boyfriend like Christian Grey would be, but he’s not a great guy to work for. Sure engaging in consensual BDSM may be all right but basically hiring a legal secretary for that very purpose and firing her after engaging in sexual intercourse isn’t whether having sexual insecurities or not. Of course, this is especially true if the sex was basically his idea in the first place, which is sexual harassment. And it doesn’t help that Lee Holloway had just been released from a psychiatric hospital after an episode of self-harm, which almost makes Grey seem much worse. Also, I’m not sure the power dynamic in the workplace is a great foundation for a healthy relationship in the bedroom, BDSM or not.

17. Pontius Pilate

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From: Monty Python’s Life of Brian

Occupation: Roman Governor of Judea

The Problem: To make a long story short, he’s basically an idiot who no one could take seriously, not even his employees. Also incompetence, no sense of humor, and being easily offended.

Now Pontius Pilate was a bad boss in real life as testified by Josephus as well as Philo of Alexandria and the fact that he was recalled to Rome because the Romans thought he was too brutal. Yet, to the extent he’s depicted as a jerk in the Bible and biblical movies kind of depends on interpretation. Yet, he’s portrayed as a guy reluctant to crucify Jesus in the Gospels because the writers didn’t want to depict the Roman authorities in a negative light. In Life of Brian, Pilate is basically an idiot who no one could take seriously especially since he has trouble pronouncing the letter “r” which the crowd of people goes to great lengths to ridiculously exploit just to make fun of him. The scene when the soldiers bring Brian to him is particularly relevant of his ineptness as well. It’s obvious that the guy has no sense of humor and is easily offended when his soldiers laugh whenever he mentions the name of his friend in Rome, “Bickus Dickus.” Of course, the soldiers obviously view such moniker as a joke name, a concept that Pilate has no understanding. Yet, he ends up sending one of his soldiers to gladiator school after not being able to keep himself from laughing at the name “Bickus Dickus” which seems pretty harsh. Still, Pilate’s foolishness and lack of any sense of humor basically keeps the Roman soldiers from doing their jobs and inadvertently helps Brian escape.

18. Daniel Plainview

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From: There Will Be Blood

Occupation: Oil Industrialist and Tycoon

The Problem: Workplace endangerment, abuse of power, disdain for humanity, alcoholism, bullying, corruption, murder, and others.

Of course, this movie is about the contention between two guys the audience will despise but at least the self-centered religious preacher has nobody working for him even if he bullies his dad and manipulates his flock and ultimately sells his soul to Daniel Plainview in the end. Daniel Plainview, on the other hand, may be a determined boozy miner who just wants to earn a living or basically do whatever it takes to get a buck even if it means stepping on everyone he needed to in order to advance his own goals as well as exploit everyone in the film with a speaking role. Yet, he’s indifferent to life and has no qualms about cheating folks in California who basically work like oxes and give him oil to sell. Too bad for them, a few of them fall victim to occupational hazard including Plainview’s adopted son H. W. who goes deaf by the sound of an oil well. Of course, you can bet that these workers’ families won’t get much compensation as far as Plainview is concerned. He also personally kills a few people, abandons his son who… failed him, takes general pleasure and dominating everyone, and perceives the world as much more evil than he is. Still, Plainview can’t care less about those who work for him and bring him wealth and is willing to fake care through his manipulation to outright bullying. And even his adopted son H. W. is seen is merely a prop to him that he uses to create a pretty face to help him make business deals. Let’s just say, you don’t want to work for this guy, especially when he starts to lose his sanity.

19. Jonathan Shields

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From: The Bad and the Beautiful

Occupation: Movie Producer and Studio Mogul

The Problem: Forming relationships with employees whom he’s perfectly willing to use as tools that can be disposed of. Also, tries to toy with his workers’ personal lives just so he could make a movie. Not to mention, he’s kind of a perfectionist, control freak, and backstabber to the max.

Jonathan Shields loves movies and loves making them though he cares more about the quality of his films than his human relationships. In fact, he basically uses his relationships as a means to an end, whether it means being buddies with a director when they were first starting out, hooking up with an actress she wants in his film so she won’t spend her spare time drinking or sleeping with other men, and taking a screenwriter on vacation with him so the guy won’t have to be distracted by his wife while he’s writing. Yet, once he’s done with them, he ends up basically stabbing them in the back whether it be by denying his director buddy a chance to make the film of his dreams, having his girlfriend walk in when he’s screwing another actress after celebrating her success at the premiere after party, and not telling his screenwriter that he inadvertently left the guy’s wife run off with an actor that later leads to them both dying in a plane crash. Sure he screwed these three people to the ground leaving no small wounds, but all three were better off achieved greater success because of him. Of course, you can basically call Jonathan Shields an unpolished turd with the Midas touch yet even if he did help your career, you’d still be bitter of how he hurt your feelings by screwing you over.

20. General Boulard and General Mireau

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From: Paths of Glory

Occupation: Generals in the French Army

The Problem: Basically these two guys are disconnected from the reality of the trenches and basically ordering what amounts to a suicide mission. Punish a whole regiment by having 3 soldiers shot at random for cowardice. Also, abuse of power and inability to take responsibility for their failures.

World War I was a terrible war with many losses resulting in the upper brasses disconnect with what the soldiers are really facing and the deadly results it led to. In fact, Mireau basically doesn’t believe that there’s such a thing as PTSD as well as orders his artillery to bomb their own trenches and that both of these guys are staying in fine housing accommodations while anyone who’s not a general is basically having to reside in vermin infested quarters. These two generals are basically epitomes of this when they order Colonel Dax and his regiment to attack the Anthill which is a suicide mission, a fact that’s apparent to every soldier in the regiment. Yet, when Dax’s soldiers’ common sense overrides their willingness to obey orders during the actual attack, these two guys refuse to acknowledge their responsibility just to save face and preserve their quest for personal glory. In fact, they basically punish Colonel Dax’s regiment by having three of his soldiers court-martialed and executed for cowardice by firing squad. Of course, the two generals have made sure that the court-martial is a kangaroo trial and that these three condemned men are doomed to die for no reason at all.

21. Lord Raglan, Lord Lucan, and Lord Cardigan

From: The Charge of the Light Brigade (1968)

Occupation: Generals in the British Army and Aristocratic Peers

The Problem: These three guys are incompetent upper class twits, inability to work together, have no concern for their men, and other factors that led a major miscommunication and one of the biggest military disasters of all time.

Now these three guys were just as bad bosses in real life as they are in this movie due to the systematic problem that these guys basically purchased their own commissions. Yet, while Raglan is the least worst of the bunch he’s more or less incompetent who was just promoted beyond his ability yet ordering Lord Cardigan to lead the Charge of the Light Brigade and promoting Lord Lucan over him weren’t very good ideas. Yes, they were brothers-in-law but they absolutely detested each other and neither were very bright in the least. Seriously, Cardigan was described by historians as, “an overbearing, hot-tempered fool of the most dangerous kind in that he believed that he possessed real ability.” In the movie, Cardigan also tends to treat his troops like personal property. And when Lucan received Raglan’s order, he basically ordered Cardigan to charge his men through a gauntlet of fire to capture the guns at the far end of the valley. The result was that the Light Brigade was driven off by overwhelming enemy numbers and they retreated through the same way they charged leading to 278 British casualties and nothing accomplished. Oh, and right after the charge, Cardigan basically has lunch on his yacht and tells the survivors that the disaster wasn’t his fault. So there you have it, the Charge of the Light Brigade was a disaster due to incompetence, mutual jealousy, and miscommunication between these three guys who make desertion seem like a viable option if any of them were your commanding officer.

22. Tony Stark (a. k. a. Iron Man)

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From: The Iron Man Series

Occupation: Billionaire, Superhero, Tycoon, Inventor, and Philanthropist

The Problem: Egotistical, high maintenance, immature, selfish, and basically has his assistant do everything.

If you think having Iron Man as your boss would be cool, then prepare to be disillusioned if you’re hired to be his personal assistant. Stark is basically a big baby with a huge ego and lots of expensive toys who’s horribly dependent on Pepper Potts for basically everything from running his company, organizing his schedule, making excuses for him, installing a personal arc reactor to keep his heart beating every once in a while, and calling the contractor every time Stark blows up his workshop. Pepper Potts may have a job that pays well, but unfortunately this means her whole life basically revolves around Tony Stark and basically has no time for anything else. Also, her job must be incredibly stressful and bound to drive any normal person insane. Tony must be lucky that he has such a dedicated assistant willing to put up with all his hijinks and activities simply out of being in love for him. Yet, how she manages to keep Tony’s life in order while being able to retain her appearance and take proper care of herself, I have no idea.

23. Miranda Priestly

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From: The Devil Wears Prada

Occupation: Editor in Chief for a Fashion Magazine

The Problem: Demanding, abrasive, verbally abusive, and being a major control freak.

Working in fashion must be one of the most nightmarish fields for most women, especially since it’s one that’s shallow and pertains to ridiculous clothing. Compared to other bosses on the list, Miranda isn’t as bad as many of the bosses on the list. I mean she’s not physically abusive, gets people killed, commits crimes, or sexually harasses her employees. Also, she’s perfectly capable of doing her job. Yet, she’s a real pain in the ass who terrorizes and insults most of her staff, including Andy Sachs. She is a major control freak who oversees every aspect of the magazine at every stage of production and thinks nothing of turning everyone else’s schedule around while micro-managing her own. She also likes to use Andy as a punching bag by hurling insults at her about her weight, criticizing her writing, and assigning her to do impossible tasks which greatly takes a toll on her personal life. And she also seems to take positive relish in it. It’s a wonder why people are willing to work for her and not go insane. Also doesn’t tolerate anyone who disagrees with her.

24. Calvin Candie

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From: Django Unchained

Occupation: Planter

The Problem: He’s a sadistic slave owner who has his charges fight for the death for his own enjoyment as well as having a slave being murdered by dogs as well as other dastardly deeds. Also, racism and intimidation.

Slavery was a brutal institution that put blacks as inferior to whites as well as be seen as having no rights of their own and doomed to involuntary servitude. It wasn’t unusual for a slave owner to be an abusive rapist as well as torture his or her slaves on a regular basis. Still, while he may be played by Leonardo DiCaprio, Candie may seem charming at first but he’s actually a sadist who seems to inflict violence on his slaves for a lot more reasons than just keeping them in line. In fact, he seems to be very insensitive to it and seems to get pleasure in seeing two slaves fight each other to the death or casually letting a slave unwilling to fight get torn apart by dogs, which sickens even the most hardened bounty hunter Dr. King Schultz. Still, he’s a complete monster even by slave owner standards and Candyland is basically a plantation of horrors. Let’s just say that slave owners would’ve thought twice about having their own slaves fight each other or having a runaway ripped apart by dogs, especially since they were substantial financial investments. Putting slaves in gladiatorial battles just wouldn’t make any sense to an antebellum slave owner. You could see why King Schultz had to shoot him in the chest when Candie offered to shake his hand.

25. Idi Amin

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From: The Last King of Scotland

Occupation: Military Dictator of Uganda

The Problem: Basically he’s a ruthless dictator who was responsible for killing as many as 500,000 people. Robbing his countrymen and not taking being cheated on well despite having 3 wives. Also being batshit insane.

Working for a dictator is no fun at all. In fact, dictators make really terrible bosses in general, especially if he goes by the name of Josef Stalin. Idi Amin is no different and though he may seem charming at first but remember this is one of the more notorious African dictators as well as responsible for genocide during his 8 year rule of Uganda. Also, he’s one of the few famous dictators to have a feature film about his rule which is depicted so menacingly. By sharing his love of Scotland being impressed at his ability to shoot a cow, he manages to charm Nicholas Garrigan into becoming his personal physician and help modernize Uganda’s health care system.. Yet, working for a genocidal dictator has a lot of strings attached such as having to rationalize your boss’s crackdown of the opposition and expelling South Asians out of the country. Also, the fact that Garrigan can’t keep it in his pants and ends up knocking up one of Amin’s wives. Still, let’s just say you don’t want to work for a guy who isn’t above beating you up or hanging you up on a meat hook by your skin, no less. Let’s just say I’d rather work for Darth Vader than this guy.

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Never Judge a Book By Its Cover- Well, Most of the Time (Second Edition)

Since my post on bad book covers has now become the most popular post, I have now decided to do another post. Now if you thought the last ones were funny, you’ll like these as well. While it’s important not to judge a book from its cover before reading it, sometimes its hard to do so when the cover is so bad that it inspires a lot of shits and giggles. Some of them may have bad pictures that might have absolutely nothing to do with what the book is about. Some may have images and titles bearing inappropriate or disgusting connotations. Other books may be rather telling whether the material is good or not, especially when the title and book’s image give you some idea on what the book is about. I mean if a book has a cover about Amish people in space, you’d probably want to stay away from it, right? So for all you guys who enjoyed my last post on bad book covers, here is a list of even more unintentionally funny and disturbing covers for all you to enjoy. Still, some of these may not be safe for work.

1. The Hungry Ones by Craig Douglas

Seriously, the positioning might suggest it's a romance novel. Yet, the fact, that the leading man is a scary looking clown with his hand on the girl's shoulder hints that he may be some sort of psycho killer to me.

Seriously, the positioning might suggest it’s a romance novel. Yet, the fact, that the leading man is a scary looking clown with his hand on the girl’s shoulder hints that he may be some sort of psycho killer to me.

For some reason I can’t decide whether this is a romance novel or one about a very disturbed clown.

2. Jizzle by John Wyndham

I don't know about you, but when I hear the word "jizzle," I don't think about mythological monsters about to go at it. Did I just say that? Shit.

I don’t know about you, but when I hear the word “jizzle,” I don’t think about mythological monsters about to go at it or fight to the death. Hope it’s just fight to the death.

Now this may be a collection of sci-fi/fantasy stories but the title is a sexual slang term.

3. People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead by Gary Leon Hill

Seriously, how can somebody deny that they're dead? Also, its entry on Amazon.com is kind of disturbing to read along the lines, "When people die by accident, in violence, or maybe they're drunk, stoned, or angry, they get freeze-framed. Even if they die naturally but have no clue what to expect, they might not notice they're dead. It's frustrating to see and not be seen. It's frustrating to not know what you're supposed to do next. It's especially frustrating to be in someone else's body and think it's your own. That's if you're dead. If you're alive and that spirit has attached itself to you, well that's a whole other set of frustrations." Also, the photo is kind of creepy.

Seriously, how can somebody deny that they’re dead? Also, its entry on Amazon.com is kind of disturbing to read along the lines, “When people die by accident, in violence, or maybe they’re drunk, stoned, or angry, they get freeze-framed. Even if they die naturally but have no clue what to expect, they might not notice they’re dead. It’s frustrating to see and not be seen. It’s frustrating to not know what you’re supposed to do next. It’s especially frustrating to be in someone else’s body and think it’s your own. That’s if you’re dead. If you’re alive and that spirit has attached itself to you, well that’s a whole other set of frustrations.” Basically this is All of Me turned into a horror movie premise. Also, the photo is kind of creepy.

Of course, despite the title, it’s actually based on a true story about people possessing other individuals’ bodies as far as the author’s concerned. But still, I would suggest it’s paranormal fiction because we can’t really communicate with the dead.

4. Exo-Vaticana: Petrus Romanus, PROJECT LUCIFER, and the Vatican’s astonishing exo-theological plan for the arrival of an alien savior by Chris Putnam and Thomas Horn

Of course, I read a summary of what its about on Amazon.com, this is about the Catholic Church's involvement with extraterrestrial conspiracy theories. Also, let's just say that this books provides as much accurate information about the Catholic Church as Dan Brown or the Left Behind series: None at all. Also, the ridiculous cover design with a UFO hovering over Saint Peter's Basilica kind of  gives the divine revelation that this book is full of shit.

Of course, I read a summary of what its about on Amazon.com, this is about the Catholic Church’s involvement with extraterrestrial conspiracy theories. Also, let’s just say that this books provides as much accurate information about the Catholic Church as Dan Brown or the Left Behind series: None at all. Also, the ridiculous cover design with a UFO hovering over Saint Peter’s Basilica kind of gives the divine revelation that this book is full of shit.

Basically this is a cross of Dan Brown with The Left Behind series.

5. Blazing Embers by Angela Ashley

I don't know about you, but I certainly hope this isn't a romance novel because it doesn't remind me of burning embers as far as I'm concerned. Rather, I kind of feel a bit creeped out by such images of hairy middl aged men bathing with younger naked women. That's just sick.

I don’t know about you, but I certainly hope this isn’t a romance novel because it doesn’t remind me of burning embers as far as I’m concerned. Rather, I kind of feel a bit creeped out by such images of hairy middle aged men bathing with younger naked women. That’s just sick.

I’m not sure that any woman would love to take a bath with a hair man that resembles Larry David.

6. Amish Vampires in Space by Kerry Nietz

Seriously, how could anyone write a good story about a group of people who rejected advanced technology beyond the 17th century and have them in space?  I absolutely don't get it. And making them vampires, good Lord.

Seriously, how could anyone write a good story about a group of people who rejected advanced technology beyond the 17th century and have them in space? I absolutely don’t get it. And making them vampires, good Lord.

Now this is the most fucked up cover presentation I’ve ever seen. Of course, Amish vampires are one thing, but having them in space, well, that’s just crazy.

7. Christianity Lite: Stop Drinking a Watered-Down Gospel by Glen Berteau

Seriously, what's with the beer bottle on the cover? It's a Christian book and yet it has a picture of something that sometimes leads to date rape and sin if you drink excessive amounts.

Seriously, what’s with the beer bottle on the cover? It’s a Christian book and yet it has a picture of something that sometimes leads to date rape and sin if you drink excessive amounts. Also, the beer bottle presented as if it’s from a beer commercial.

Now I get the idea of a watered down Gospel but why do you have to compare it to beer?

8. Why Cat’s Paint: A theory of feline aesthetics by Heather Busch and Burton Silver

Wow, I didn't believe cats could paint on walls for artistic expression. Oh, yeah, I forgot they don't. The cat is probably just playing with the paints as any cat would do.

Wow, I didn’t believe cats could paint on walls for artistic expression. Oh, yeah, I forgot they don’t. The cat is probably just playing with the paints as any cat would do.

Finally, a book about cats, painting?

9. Everything I Want to Do Is Illegal by Joe Salatin

Let's just say that Joe Salatin is terrible at choosing titles. I mean the statement "everything I want to do is illegal" can apply to almost anyone from serial rapists and murderers wanting to do their thing to the Koch brothers wanting to dump chemicals in the Mississippi. Also, who knows what that farmer is thinking about doing that's illegal. Not to mention, it's worth noting that Joe Salatin is a libertarian who blames the government for the food industrial complex we have today, which has no basis in fact. That, my friend goes to the food business instead.

Let’s just say that Joe Salatin is terrible at choosing titles. I mean the statement “everything I want to do is illegal” can apply to almost anyone from serial rapists and murderers wanting to do their thing to the Koch brothers wanting to dump chemicals in the Mississippi. Also, who knows what that farmer is thinking about doing that’s illegal. Not to mention, it’s worth noting that Joe Salatin is a libertarian who blames the government for the food industrial complex we have today, which has no basis in fact. That, my friend goes to the food business and urbanization instead.

Now this book talks about stories pertaining to the local food front, but this title could have other interpretations as far as anyone is concerned.

10. Castration: The Advantages and Disadvantages by Victor T. Cheney

I'm sure a book is less about the advantages of castration and more about the disadvantages since it's written by a guy. Much of the advantages basically pertain to not having to worry about paternity suits, paying child support, or appearing on the Maury Povich Show.

I’m sure a book is less about the advantages of castration and more about the disadvantages since it’s written by a guy. Much of the advantages basically pertain to not having to worry about paternity suits, paying child support, or appearing on the Maury Povich Show.

Finally, a title that would make any member of the male species clutch their junk in horror, except the author.

11. Harpo’s Horrible Secret by Barbara Kelly

Well, according to the cover, Harpo is either the kid who was molested by his grandpa during a fishing trip or the grandpa doing the molesting. Either way, this image doesn't seem to make Harpo's situation seem good here. And yet, the frog is watching in earnest.

Well, according to the cover, Harpo is either the kid who was molested by his grandpa during a fishing trip or the grandpa doing the molesting. Either way, this image doesn’t seem to make Harpo’s situation seem good here. And yet, the frog is watching in earnest.

I think the cover just spoiled the whole story for me in the most disturbing way possible.

12. Everything I Know About Women I Learned From My Tractor by Roger Welsch

This title is rather disturbing but I hope the best thing Roger learned about women from his tractor is that women aren't farm machinery that can plow your fields for you. Oh, and that they don't run on petroleum either.

This title is rather disturbing but I hope the best thing Roger learned about women from his tractor is that women aren’t farm machinery that can plow your fields for you. Oh, and that they don’t run on petroleum either.

Seriously, I don’t want to know about how your tractor fits in with your sex life. I’m sorry but that’s just me.

13. 1984 by George Orwell

What the hell is O'Brien doing in a gimp suit? Also, the romance is only part of the novel which also included elements of a dystopian society as well as a third act that's mostly filled with torture. Also, Winston isn't supposed to be sexy.

What the hell is O’Brien doing in a gimp suit? Also, the romance is only part of the novel which also included elements of a dystopian society as well as a third act that’s mostly filled with torture. Also, Winston isn’t supposed to be sexy.

All right, why is Orwell’s dystopian masterpiece being marketed as a Harlequin Romance? Seriously, though it contains romance, it’s not the only thing in it.

14. Mansfield Park by Jane Austen

Oh, it's not about that. So why come up with this creepy misleading cover design at all? The designers could've made the guys normal size like they do in posters for movies revolving around love triangles practically every single time.

Oh, it’s not about that. So why come up with this creepy misleading cover design at all? The designers could’ve made the guys normal size like they do in posters for movies revolving around love triangles practically every single time.

Read the Jane Austen classic about a normal size woman who can’t decide between two little men sitting on her shoulders.

15. Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

I'm sure a girl's legs in black and white striped tights is either going to remind readers of novels for teenage girls or the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz. Or maybe this book is trying to tell us that maybe Alice is the Wicked Witch of the West, which is really disturbing.

I’m sure a girl’s legs in black and white striped tights is either going to remind readers of novels for teenage girls or the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz. Or maybe this book is trying to tell us that maybe Alice is the Wicked Witch of the West, which is really disturbing.

With the legs in the black and white stripe tights, I almost thought it was Wicked.

16. Baby, Come Out! by Fran Manushkin

Never in my lifetime, I have seen depictions of pregnancy in children's books look so creepy. I mean how could the the baby be receptive to its older sister's screams from in utero? And why isn't it situated in a fetal position?

Never in my lifetime, have I seen depictions of pregnancy in children’s books look so creepy. I mean how could the the baby be receptive to its older sister’s screams from in utero? And why isn’t it situated in a fetal position?

I wonder if these pictures really provide an accurate description of fetal development. Also, why have the fetus featured in the mother’s swelling abdomen at all?

17. The Zen of Farting by Reppah Gud Wan

I'm sure Buddhist monks seem to let it all hang out during meditation as depicted by the putrid smell illustration from the cover. Well, I guess everyone breaks wind from time to time even Buddhist monks but pop culture seems to neglect this.

I’m sure Buddhist monks seem to let it all hang out during meditation as depicted by the putrid smell illustration from the cover. Well, I guess everyone breaks wind from time to time even Buddhist monks but pop culture seems to neglect this. Then again, the Buddhist monk featured may just have had eaten too much tofu burritos at lunch.

I’m sure this is perhaps the most popular Zen book for guys since it’s the only Zen art most of them have actually mastered.

18. Bombproof Your Horse by Sgt. Rick Pelicano

Yes, horses are skittish creatures and their primary defense mechanism consists of running like hell. I'm sure bombproofing it isn't going to be 100% effective. Seriously, this is why most modern militaries no longer have a cavalry.

Yes, horses are skittish creatures and their primary defense mechanism consists of running like hell. I’m sure bombproofing it isn’t going to be 100% effective. Seriously, this is why most modern militaries no longer have a cavalry.

Finally, a book for the equestrian on how to make your horse stamp out all his biological impulses, even in common sense instances that cause trauma.

19. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl

Who the hell thought that this would make a good cover for a children's book? I mean this girl on the cover seems more like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras than a regular spoiled rich brat. And shouldn't there be a young boy or Willy Wonka on the cover instead? Seriously, why?

Who the hell thought that this would make a good cover for a children’s book? I mean this girl on the cover seems more like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras than a regular spoiled rich brat. And shouldn’t there be a young boy or Willy Wonka on the cover instead? Seriously, why?

I’m sure this is a perfectly safe book that families can enjoy, but you wouldn’t know it from the cover which seems like a rejected design for Lolita.

20. Children Are No Match for Fire by Carol Dean

Let's just say despite a trauma inducing cover design, I'm sure this book will discourage your kid from playing with matches. Of course, this book may not work for budding pyromaniacs whose parents may need to seek more extraordinary measures like psychiatric assistance.

Let’s just say despite a trauma inducing cover design, I’m sure this book will discourage your kid from playing with matches. Of course, this book may not work for budding pyromaniacs whose parents may need to seek more extraordinary measures like psychiatric assistance.

Nothing scares your kids straight about fire safety than a cover featuring children running away from a burning bad lighter, candle, firecracker, and match.

21. Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery

Seriously, why should that girl even be on the cover? Anne of Green Gables wasn't a girl in a joke about the farmer's daughters. Also, she's supposed to be a plucky redheaded girl not Daisy Duke's cousin.

Seriously, why should that girl even be on the cover? Anne of Green Gables wasn’t a girl in a joke about the farmer’s daughters. Also, she’s supposed to be a plucky redheaded girl not Daisy Duke’s cousin.

I’m sure these books are decent for girls since they were written for them. It’s just that the publishers thought it would be a good idea to have some girl from a country music video pose for the cover.

22. Hiroshima No Pika by Toshi Maruki

Now the atomic bomb blasts on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were horrible events in our history but why would anyone think it's a good idea for a children's book? Also, what's with the topless woman on the cover and the blood spattering? This is disturbing.

Now the atomic bomb blasts on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were horrible events in our history but why would anyone think it’s a good idea for a children’s book? Also, what’s with the topless woman on the cover and the blood spattering? This is disturbing.

Finally a book for children about the atomic bomb blasts at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Great for giving kids nightmares at bedtime.

23. Give Baldy Your Tit: What to Do with It Now that It’s Out by Omerta Hickey

This is a pretty terrible title and insensitive title for a book on baby care. Seriously, "Give Baldy Your Tit" seems what some guy would say at a stripper joint or something.

This is a pretty terrible title and insensitive title for a book on baby care. Seriously, “Give Baldy Your Tit” seems what some guy would say at a stripper joint or something.

According to the title, it appears as if it’s a book on baby care as written by a frat boy using a woman’s name as a pseudonym.

24. Sexy Food for Seniors by Lorraine

I mean those two things making out on the cover seem to have human heads and cornucopia bodies for some reason. Also, what's with the "Sexy Food for Seniors" thing? I mean food isn't supposed to be sexy nor or are senior citizens either.

I mean those two things making out on the cover seem to have human heads and cornucopia bodies for some reason. Also, what’s with the “Sexy Food for Seniors” thing? I mean food isn’t supposed to be sexy nor or are senior citizens either.

Now what the hell are those things on the covers?

25. Shag Tae Pony and Other Stories by Peter Crabbe

I know the author probably intended to have the word "shag" contain any sexual connotations. Yet, thanks to Austin Powers in the 1990s, this title is absolutely hilarious nowadays.

I know the author probably intended to have the word “shag” contain any sexual connotations. Yet, thanks to Austin Powers in the 1990s, this title now is likened to bestiality.

Who the fuck names their pony Shag? Or is it shag the pony? Oh, dear.

26. Armed America: Portraits of American Gun Owners in Their Homes by Kyle Cassidy

Now I suppose the couple on the cover are very nice people despite that they own a couple of assault weapons and see nothing wrong with sitting with them for a photograph in front of their 3 year old kid. Just lovely! Hope that kid doesn't grow up to shoot up a high school because I know exactly what guns he'll use.

Now I suppose the couple on the cover are very nice people despite that they own a couple of assault weapons and see nothing wrong with sitting with them for a photograph in front of their 3 year old kid. Just lovely! Hope that kid doesn’t grow up to shoot up a high school because I know exactly what guns he’ll use.

Great! Now a coffee table book filled with photos of American families that scare me.

27. Cranford by Elizabeth Cleghorn Gaskell

Actually despite the cover image, Cranford is really a 1853 novel about 2 unmarried sisters in England. Yeah, other than fire, none what's featured in the cover is actually in the book because it takes place in the freaking 19th century.

Actually despite the cover image, Cranford is really a 1853 novel about 2 unmarried sisters in England. Yeah, other than fire, none what’s featured in the cover is actually in the book because it takes place in the freaking 19th century.

Of course, a book cover like this is bound to leave many teenage boys who buy this very disappointed that Cranford isn’t a science fiction novel that pertains to a dystopian society.

28. A Day in the Life of Canada by David Cohen

Actually I think what that girl is wearing is a First Holy Communion dress not a bridal gown or at least I hope so. Still, I wonder why is she holding a baseball bat instead of a hockey stick I can't be sure. And why are the boy's shorts so short? This is a terrible cover design.

Actually I think what that girl is wearing is a First Holy Communion dress not a bridal gown or at least I hope so. Still, I wonder why is she holding a baseball bat instead of a hockey stick I can’t be sure. And why are the boy’s shorts so short? This is a terrible cover design.

Hey, I didn’t know they had child brides in Canada.

29. I Found a Dead Bird: The Kids’ Guide to the Cycle of Life and Death by Jan Thornhill

Seriously, I know that teaching kids about death is important. Still, it doesn't help that they have to put a dead hummingbird on the cover. Of course, when it came to finding dead birds while I was a kid, my parents would usually say things like, "don't touch" or "don't go anywhere near it because it make you sick."

Seriously, I know that teaching kids about death is important. Still, it doesn’t help that they have to put a dead hummingbird on the cover. Of course, when it came to finding dead birds while I was a kid, my parents would usually say things like, “don’t touch” or “don’t go anywhere near it because it make you sick.”

Now here is a book that teaches kids about death in perhaps one of the sickest ways possible.

30. Kids Are Americans Too by Bill O’Reilly and Charles Flowers

Of course, only serial killers and teachers write in that kind of font featured on the cover. Also, knowing that O'Reilly is an asshole on Fox News, it would be best to keep him away from your kids.

Of course, only serial killers and teachers write in that kind of font featured on the cover. Also, knowing that O’Reilly is an asshole on Fox News, it would be best to keep him away from your kids and I’m sure his book is certainly full of shit. Besides, most kids aren’t interested in right wing political talk shows anyway, I hope.

Note: It now comes a time that Bill O’Reilly doesn’t really believe this 100% of the time, especially if those kids were from Latin American countries like El Salvador, Guatemala, and Honduras.

31. I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter by Carlton Mellick III

Of course, this book is labeled "A Demonic Romantic Comedy." Yet, I'm sure most guys in that situation would think it was a living Hell on Earth, especially if her dad was Satan. I mean she's a red demon with horns and tail so the guy in the story should've known better.

Of course, this book is labeled “A Demonic Romantic Comedy.” Yet, I’m sure most guys in that situation would think it was a living Hell on Earth, especially if her dad was Satan. I mean she’s a red demon with horns and tail so the guy in the story should’ve known better.

I’m sure if you knocked up Satan’s daughter, you wouldn’t be in a good position. Let’s just say your life would be a literal Hell.

32. Lumberjack in Love by Penny Watson

Sure the lumberjack on the cover may be a hunky man who many women would find attractive. Yet, it seems that he also has a habit of beheading his lovers with an axe, which I think he's going to do to this blonde woman soon. Seriously, this cover is messed up!

Sure the lumberjack on the cover may be a hunky man who many women would find attractive. Yet, it seems that he also has a habit of beheading his lovers with an axe, which I think he’s going to do to this blonde woman soon. Seriously, this cover is messed up!

Don’t look now, but I don’t think the lumberjack is in love with the woman on the cover.

33. Murder in the Hellfire Club by David Zochert

I don't think Ben Franklin was a member of the Hellfire Club despite his reputation as a ladies man. But still, having him on a lightning bolt while seeing a bunch of wigged gentlemen engage in debauchery is actually quite funny to see.

I don’t think Ben Franklin was a member of the Hellfire Club despite his reputation as a ladies man. But still, having him on a lightning bolt while seeing a bunch of wigged gentlemen engage in debauchery is actually quite funny to see.

Featuring Ben Franklin sliding down a lightning shaped bannister.

34. The Moose with Loose Poops by Charlotte Cowan M. D.

Seriously, this idea pertaining to using woodland creatures for bathroom activities has to stop. Also, why does that kid moose have antlers already? I mean moose calves don't have them yet.

Seriously, this idea pertaining to using woodland creatures for bathroom activities has to stop. Also, why does that kid moose have antlers already? I mean male moose calves don’t have them yet.

Great! Now there’s a children’s book about moose bowel movements. Wonder if they should consult the Charmin bears.

35. Eating People Is Wrong by Malcolm Bradbury

Still, you have to love the pictures depicting people on plates being presented as dinner. Sure it's sick but it's just so damn funny. I wonder if this book was written for laughs since we know that most cases of cannibalism usually pertain to desperate people in areas with very few edible things available like the Donner Party.

Still, you have to love the pictures depicting people on plates being presented as dinner. Sure it’s sick but it’s just so damn funny. I wonder if this book was written for laughs since we know that most cases of cannibalism usually pertain to desperate people in areas with very few edible things available like the Donner Party.

Of course, I didn’t have to read this to know that cannibalism is wrong.

36. One Two Three Pull! by Sophie Schmid and Sabine PrawlI

Still, whatever the rabbit may be doing to the chicken, I don't think the chicken likes it one bit. Yet, then again, it may not be what it looks like I hope.

Still, whatever the rabbit may be doing to the chicken, I don’t think the chicken likes it one bit. Yet, then again, it may not be what it looks like I hope.

Just a harmless children’s book or I hope that the rabbit isn’t doing anything terrible to the chicken.

37. My Parents Open Carry by Brian Jeffs and Nathan Nephew

Not surprisingly, this cover illustration is kind of creepy as if the girl and her family seem to want to kill you on site. Also, this idea was conceived when the two authors couldn't find any pro-gun children's books. Well, no shit, Sherlock, because guns are dangerous things and open carry is a lifestyle that should never be promoted in a kids' book. I mean there's nothing responsible and safe about open carry and all it's going to do is to make people afraid of you.

Not surprisingly, this cover illustration is kind of creepy as if the girl and her family seem to want to kill you on site if you anger them. Yeah, I’m sure the girl’s parents are perfectly harmless people (no way in hell). Also, this idea was conceived when the two authors couldn’t find any pro-gun children’s books. Well, no shit, Sherlock, because guns are dangerous things and open carry is a lifestyle that should never be promoted in a kids’ book. I mean there’s nothing responsible and safe about open carry and all it’s going to do is to make people afraid of you.

Here’s a children’s book about a kid asking people to accept her parent’s scary behavior that shouldn’t be encouraged at all. I mean you wouldn’t want your kids to read a book promoting drugs, smoking, and alcohol. The idea of a children’s book encouraging open carry is absolutely insane.

38. Lord of Thunder by Andre Norton

I wonder if this cover design either pertains to the story or just consists of a bunch of stuff that the cover artist thought would look very cool. I mean, a cat about to devour a spaceship, that's fucked up. And what the hell is a bald eagle doing here?

I wonder if this cover design either pertains to the story or just consists of a bunch of stuff that the cover artist thought would look very cool. I mean, a cat about to devour a spaceship, that’s fucked up. And what the hell is a bald eagle doing here?

Man, I sure hope that spaceship doesn’t get eaten by that giant evil cat.

39. Satan Was a Lesbian by Fred Haley

Now if Satan was a lesbian, he'd have to be a woman who likes chicks. This cover shows Satan as a guy who seems to delight in watching threesomes engaging in S&M stuff. For God's sake he's depicted with a mustache, goatee, and bare chest. If that doesn't say that Satan isn't a lesbian, I don't know what is.

Now if Satan was a lesbian, he’d have to be a woman who likes chicks. This cover shows Satan as a guy who seems to delight in watching threesomes engaging in S&M stuff. For God’s sake he’s depicted with a mustache, goatee, and bare chest. If that doesn’t say that Satan isn’t a lesbian, I don’t know what is.

From what the cover shows of Satan, it sure as hell doesn’t look like it to me.

40. The Turn of the Screw by Henry James

I'm sure handymen buying this edition would be greatly disappointed that this Henry James classic is a gothic horror story of messed up proportions. It has nothing to do with nuts, bolts, wrenches, or anything else found in a toolbox.

I’m sure handymen buying this edition would be greatly disappointed that this Henry James classic is a gothic horror story of messed up proportions. It has nothing to do with nuts, bolts, wrenches, or anything else found in a toolbox.

So it’s about tools right?

41. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

A Frankenstein cover with the Boris Karloff as the monster would've been a more appropriate cover design. Seriously, Frankenstein has been made into a movie several times already. Nobody thinks about warrior knights in regards to Frankenstein, nobody.

A Frankenstein cover with the Boris Karloff as the monster would’ve been a more appropriate cover design. Seriously, Frankenstein has been made into a movie several times already. Nobody thinks about warrior knights in regards to Frankenstein, nobody.

I’m sure Frankenstein isn’t about some medieval swordsman climbing some alien mountain since it takes place in the 19th century.

42. The Shining by Stephen King

The cover designers could've easily used Jack Nicholson saying "Here's Johnny!" for the book cover image. The creepy twin girls from the hotel is another good one. Having a blond woman in a warm weather backdrop on the cover is just very inexcusable.

The cover designers could’ve easily used Jack Nicholson saying “Here’s Johnny!” for the book cover image. The creepy twin girls from the hotel is another good one. Having a blond woman in a warm weather backdrop on the cover is just very inexcusable.

Of course, when people think about the famous Stephen King novel, I’m sure a sexy blond with a bad haircut from the 1980s doesn’t come into mind.

43. On the Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman

Of course, if this book were written for polar bears, this could be titled On the Night You Were Conceived. Yet, I'm not sure if the polar bear dancing would break the ice quite literally. Also, there's global warming to worry about.

Of course, if this book were written for polar bears, this could be titled On the Night You Were Conceived. Yet, I’m not sure if the polar bear dancing would break the ice quite literally. Also, there’s global warming to worry about.

What the hell is it with the polar bears dancing in the moonlight? Seriously, why?

44. The Vampire’s Vacation by Ron Roy

Seriously, I thought that a sunny beach location would be one of the worst vacation destinations for vampires since they tend to disintegrate in the hot sun. I mean why would vampires would want to travel to such beach destinations anyway?

Seriously, I thought that a sunny beach location would be one of the worst vacation destinations for vampires since they tend to disintegrate in the hot sun. I mean why would vampires would want to travel to such beach destinations anyway?

I didn’t know Hawaii was a popular vacation destination for vampires.

45. Scream Street: Heart of the Mummy by Tommy Donbavand

Seriously, as the cover depicts, the mummy in this book seems to have illuminating genitalia that he's putting on display. Yet, one person doesn't really seem impressed here.

Seriously, as the cover depicts, the mummy in this book seems to have illuminating genitalia that he’s putting on display. Yet, one person doesn’t really seem impressed here.

Or as I call it Scream Street: Crotch of the Mummy since I can’t tell what’s illuminating from the mummy when he’s sitting down but the light seems to come from between its legs.

46. A Girl’s Best Friend by John Kellerman

Sure a dog may be a girl's best friend but this image is kind of disturbing and sort of suggest that they may be more than friends. Of course, this is known as bestiality and animal abuse.

Sure a dog may be a girl’s best friend but this image is kind of disturbing and sort of suggest that they may be more than friends. Of course, this is known as bestiality and animal abuse.

More like a girl’s best friend with benefits from what you can tell by the cover.

47. Impact for Murder by Cheri Galbiati

Of course, having a dog on a cover kind it makes me less likely to take this book seriously. I mean why do that? It just makes a book like this a joke.

Of course, having a dog on a cover kind it makes me less likely to take this book seriously. I mean why do that? It just makes a book like this a joke.

Let’s see, I’m sure hurricane footage and German shepherds in wreckage are what I think about when I read murder mysteries.

48. The Girl from Las Vegas by J. M. Flynn

Seriously, she may be a very attractive woman who won't hesitate to shoot people. Yet, those ugly dungarees totally kill the mood. I mean they're more suited for old men at the golf course than half-dressed pin ups with guns.

Seriously, she may be a very attractive woman who won’t hesitate to shoot people. Yet, those ugly dungarees totally kill the mood. I mean they’re more suited for old men at the golf course than half-dressed pin ups with guns.

Or why James Bond turned a sexy woman with a gun because of her ugly pants.

49. Night and Day by Virginia Woolf

Seriously, this is a work of classic literature not a trashy novel. Not to mention, it takes place in the early 20th century when women weren't wearing dresses like that or their hair flowing. I mean why would a cover designer do this?

Seriously, this is a work of classic literature not a trashy novel. Not to mention, it takes place in the early 20th century when women weren’t wearing dresses like that or their hair flowing. I mean why would a cover designer do this?

I’m sure the heroine in this story wasn’t a trashy spy unlike what the cover depicts.

50. Sewer, Gas, & Electric by Mark Ruff

I think this cover was designed by someone on a profound acid trip. I don't think that none of these things on the cover have much to do with each other, let alone basic utilities.

I think this cover was designed by someone on a profound acid trip. I don’t think that none of these things on the cover have much to do with each other, let alone basic utilities.

Since when do basic utilities have anything to do with polka dot submarines, Roman columns, sharks, sun dials, or the World Trade Center?

51. The Doctor’s Dilemma by Janet Lane Walters

Let me just say I wouldn't trust any baby with this man. Seems like the kind of guy who'd kill the babies for a Satanic ritual in his basement.

Let me just say I wouldn’t trust any baby with this man. Seems like the kind of guy who’d kill the babies for a Satanic ritual in his basement. That or a kind of guy who does taxidermy and has his mother as a skeleton in a dress.

From how I see it, it’s probably about a creepy psycho killing doctor who must decide whether to raise the two babies on his own or kill them.

52. Mind Pump: The Psychology of Bodybuilding by Tom Kubistant EdD.

Still, we need to realize that body builders aren't the most healthy individuals around physically or psychologically. Sure they may have bulging muscles but these guys are absolutely obsessed with their appearance and take a lot of steroids. Also, this guy has a mullet which is a terrible 1980s hairstyle.

Still, we need to realize that body builders aren’t the most healthy individuals around physically or psychologically. In fact, they’re just the opposite. Sure they may have bulging muscles but these guys are absolutely obsessed with their appearance and take a lot of steroids. Also, this guy has a mullet which is a terrible 1980s hairstyle.

I’m sure using telepathy to lift weights is going to bring great results. Actually it could kill you when they fall on your head.

53. Fellow Fags by Ethel Talbot

Seriously, you know how inappropriate the title is by today's standards. Nowadays "fag" is basically short for a pejorative slur directed at gay men. Yet, these guys playing soccer in the title don't seem to have a problem calling each other "fellow fags" for some reason.

Seriously, you know how inappropriate the title is by today’s standards. Nowadays “fag” is basically short for a pejorative slur directed at gay men. Yet, these guys playing soccer in the title don’t seem to have a problem calling each other “fellow fags” for some reason.

Considered as a book, “for kids, aged six to sixteen, by the Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge and Sheldon Press, London.” Of course, seeing the title I would’ve imagine it being about a bunch of gay soccer players.

54. That None Should Die by Frank G. Slaughter

According to one website's interpretation, the doctor is: a. preparing to shoot the newborn at the ceiling like a rubberband b. preparing to make “newborn tea” c. deciding whether to keep it or throw it back d. looking way too long and hard at the baby’s genital region, or e. so handsome that nobody cares what he’s actually doing. I might want to suggest f. all of the above.

According to one website’s interpretation, the doctor is: a. preparing to shoot the newborn at the ceiling like a rubberband b. preparing to make “newborn tea” c. deciding whether to keep it or throw it back d. looking way too long and hard at the baby’s genital region, or e. so handsome that nobody cares what he’s actually doing. I might want to suggest f. all of the above. Also, I hope those baby’s blue markings are pen marks by some person trying to deface it.

Says here it’s, “the story of a doctor whose ideals proved stronger than any temptation.” Could I say that certain temptation may be bloodlust? Because I don’t like how he’s looking at that baby.

55. The Manly Art of Knitting by Dan Fougner

We don't really associate the art of knitting with the lives of the cowboys but I'm sure everybody must have a hobby. This might especially be the case when you're on your horse for 18 hours but I don't see it.

We don’t really associate the art of knitting with the lives of the cowboys but I’m sure everybody must have a hobby. This might especially be the case when you’re on your horse for 18 hours but I don’t see it.

I’m sure we all yearn for the days when the lone cowboy roamed the range while scarves for his doagies.

56. Will-O-the Wisp by Thomas Burnett Swan

Hmm, either this is science fiction/fantasy and/or insect on human erotica. Still, the naked red haired woman's throws of physical ecstasy on the giant insect, suggests that this may be a rather disturbing relationship between them.

Hmm, either this is science fiction/fantasy and/or insect on human erotica. Still, the naked red haired woman’s throws of physical ecstasy on the giant insect, suggests that this may be a rather disturbing relationship between them.

This a blatant attempt to sell to teenage boys but what this naked redhead is doing on top of a giant insect, we’ll never know.

57. Dead Pet: Send Your Best Little Buddy Off in Style by Andrew Kirk and Jane Moseley

I know that the loss of a pet is perhaps one of the first sad moments a child will experience. Yet, this image of a dead cat on a rocket makes a child delightfully looking forward to his or her furry friend's demise. Still, I can't help but laugh.

I know that the loss of a pet is perhaps one of the first sad moments a child will experience. Yet, this image of a dead cat on a rocket makes a child delightfully looking forward to his or her furry friend’s demise. Still, I can’t help but laugh.

A kind of book you can give your kids when you’re thinking about putting Fluffy to sleep. I mean at least they can look forward to launching his corpse up in the sky.

58. How to Raise Your I. Q. by Eating Gifted Children by Lewis Burke Frumkes

Hmm..didn't know that cannibals had their own form of brain food. Still, this is just too much.

Hmm..didn’t know that cannibals had their own form of brain food. Still, this is just too much.

I hear this book says that mathletes are delicious.

59. Servants of the Wankh by Jack Vance

Of course, the word "wank" is a British expression for male genitalia. And yet, this is a sci-fi book probably geared for boys, not a porno at least that's what the cover tells me.

Of course, the word “wank” is a British expression for male genitalia. And yet, this is a sci-fi book probably geared for boys, not a porno at least that’s what the cover tells me.

All hail to the tiny toad king held by the man with a trapezoidial head.

60. Double Penetrator: Tokyo Purple/Northwest Contract by Chet Cunningham

Sure, calling a vigilante hero "the Penetrator" may seem cool at first but understand that the word "penetrate" is a verb used in regards to sexual intercourse. Also, it doesn't really help that he looks like a half-crazed Freddie Mercury either.

Sure, calling a vigilante hero “the Penetrator” may seem cool at first but understand that the word “penetrate” is a verb used in regards to sexual intercourse. Also, it doesn’t really help that he looks like a half-crazed Freddie Mercury either. Perhaps this may be a self-insertion fic for Anthony Weiner.

I’m sure when I hear of the Penetrator, I think of a 1970s porn stached vigilante gun man. Yeah, right.

Back to School Advertising in the Days of Yesteryear

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As with the month of August, back to school season is upon us once more. Soon the kids will be going back to school and/or leaving for college. Yet, if the kids aren’t back to school by now, this is the time to get them ready with back to school shopping. And the wonderful spirit of advertising is bound to help you find the best products and deals for your child’s back to school needs. Of course, this is because back to school season is a big time for American business since a lot of retail giants make a ton of money. And if that retail giant is like Staples, then it’s “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” to quote from their 1990s commercial in which the dad is basically prancing around the store while his children sulk in misery. This parent loves back to school shopping since he knows it’s a time when he can get the little ones off his back and Staples is happy to oblige him. Yet, there are some downsides to back to school shopping. Sometimes the ads feature back to school clothes that may be what Little Susie wants but don’t conform to the school dress code or make her resemble a child streetwalker. Then there’s Timmy who wants a Grand Theft Auto stationery set so he could impress all his friends even though you wonder how he’s able to play that game in the first place since he’s like ten. Oh, and there’s Nate who is all tied up with high school football camp at the moment while Tammy wants a binder with Justin Bieber’s face on it. I could go on and on about the great vintage back to school season ads but you probably wouldn’t enjoy it. Instead, I’ll show an assortment of vintage ads that seem a bit crazy to us nowadays. So without further adieu, here’s a treasury of the old back to school ads people tend to forget.

1. For the college boy in the 1950s, here’s Tom Sawyer college stripes.

Of course, Jimmy's mom picked the outfit for him thinking it would make him seem sharp. However, Jimmy thinks wearing such outfit would make him the laughingstock at Ole Miss and is currently devising a plan to murder his mother in her sleep.

Of course, Jimmy’s mom picked the outfit for him thinking it would make him seem sharp. However, Jimmy thinks wearing such outfit would make him the laughingstock at Ole Miss and is currently devising a plan to murder his mother in her sleep.

2. For the teacher, here’s a bottle of Teacher’s Scotch to help you through a day in the classroom.

Teacher's is actually a brand of scotch whiskey. Yet, this

Teacher’s is actually a brand of scotch whiskey. Yet, this “Are we serious about not drinking Teacher’s on Saturday?” can also have another meaning entirely. I wonder if their TV ad campaigns have people confusing “drinking Teacher’s” with “drinking teachers.”

3. Teacher, what fabric will clothes be woven in America’s future?

Now I don't know about you, but I know little kids don't ask questions about fabric or what not. Also, the little girl's pinafore is way too short and the boy's shirt is pink which will probably lead him to getting beat up at recess. Oh, and what the hell is the teacher wearing?

Now I don’t know about you, but I know little kids don’t ask questions about fabric or what not. Also, the little girl’s pinafore is way too short and the boy’s shirt is pink which will probably lead him to getting beat up at recess. Oh, and what the hell is the teacher wearing?

4. So for the college bound boys out there, remember that girls are very attracted to men who reek the smell of nicotine.

This is one of a quite a few back to school season ads that targets smoking to college students. Sure Jerry's nicotine addiction might make him a hit with the ladies in college but he's headed through a dark future of emphysema, lung cancer, yellow teeth, heart disease, respiratory disease, halitosis, and early death. Sure Jerry is a smoking hot stud now, but he'll end his days as a very sick man.

This is one of a quite a few back to school season ads that targets smoking to college students. Sure Jerry’s nicotine addiction might make him a hit with the ladies in college but he’s headed through a dark future of emphysema, lung cancer, yellow teeth, heart disease, respiratory disease, halitosis, and early death. Sure Jerry is a smoking hot stud now, but he’ll end his days as a very sick man.

5. In 1937, it was perfectly all right for teachers to endorse their favorite brand of cigarettes.

Sure this ad is from 1937, but it basically features a teacher who's basically endorsing tobacco products, which doesn't make him a good teacher. Also, he seems to act rather pervy to Miss Hepplewhite whom I'm not sure is one of Mr. Throckmorton's faculty colleague or possibly his student. Just hope that Miss Hepplewhite is a student.

Sure this ad is from 1937, but it basically features a teacher who’s basically endorsing tobacco products, which doesn’t make him a good teacher. Also, he seems to act rather pervy to Miss Hepplewhite whom I’m not sure is one of Mr. Throckmorton’s faculty colleague or possibly his student. Just hope that Miss Hepplewhite is a teacher because the student-teacher romance dynamic isn’t what I want to see in advertising.

6. Want to fit into college? Then start smoking!

Yes, college kids, buy Camel cigarettes today or else that girl in the picture will go to your dorm room and strangle you to death in your bed. Seriously, she's so terrifying that we had to shoot this ad in black and white since her teeth are yellow.

Yes, college kids, buy Camel cigarettes today or else that girl in the picture will go to your dorm room and strangle you to death in your bed. Seriously, she’s so terrifying that we had to shoot this ad in black and white since her teeth are yellow.

7. For the school nurse, treat the kiddie cuts with Mercurochrome.

Warning: Contains mercury which is a poisonous element that you don't want in  your bloodstream. Pulled from the US market by the FDA in 2008. Yet, at the time the ad was made, it was over the counter.

Warning: Contains mercury which is a poisonous element that you don’t want in your bloodstream. Pulled from the US market by the FDA in 2008. Yet, at the time the ad was made, it was over the counter.

8. Of course, we can’t forget underwear for your child’s back to school needs.

Yes, these are tidy whiteys and that's a teacher with a kid. Still, this isn't an appropriate show of teacher and student relations. Also, why feature a student and teacher in their underwear at all? It just seems creepy if you ask me.

Yes, these are tidy whiteys and that’s a teacher with a kid. Still, this isn’t an appropriate show of teacher and student relations. Also, why feature a student and teacher in their underwear at all? It just seems creepy if you ask me.

9. Yes, drink 7UP for a fresh, clean, taste during your awkward moments in high school.

Sure this group perhaps consist of a bunch of good looking rich kids with their fancy cars and fur coats. Yet, while this may seem like an after school double date, notice that the guy in the back seat is touching the front seat driver's shoulder. And the driver doesn't really seem to mind for some reason. Considering that this ad was made in the highly homophobic 1950s, it makes me wonder about the two guys'

Sure this group perhaps consist of a bunch of good looking rich kids with their fancy cars and fur coats. Yet, while this may seem like an after school double date, notice that the guy in the back seat is touching the front seat driver’s shoulder. And the driver doesn’t really seem to mind for some reason. Considering that this ad was made in the highly homophobic 1950s, it makes me wonder about the two guys’ “friendship.”

10. Apparently Principal Henry Dingbat had a tendency to hire a lot of young and attractive teachers at the local elementary school.

And every year, Mr. Dingbat would stare down his window ogling at the young teachers wondering which one he was going to get lucky with.

And every year, Mr. Dingbat would stare down his window ogling at the young teachers wondering which one of them he was going to get lucky with or whether he had to fire her after knocking her up.

11. Join the Schools at War program and show your American patriotism.

Yes, I know this is a back to school season ad from World War II. Yet, you have to wonder whether

Yes, I know this is a back to school season ad from World War II. Yet, you have to wonder whether “Schools at War” should be an appropriate slogan. Of course, we know what’s probably going to happen with the boy collecting metal things come his senior year if it’s before 1945.

12. Coffee, a perfect drink for a date at a Saturday afternoon football game.

Sure the guy and the girl may be holding hands but the man looks too old to be your conventional 18-22 college student. Rather he seems more like a middle aged professor to me. Let's just hope the woman isn't his student, which would make this ad kind of disturbing if she was.

Sure the guy and the girl may be holding hands but the man looks too old to be your conventional 18-22 college student. Rather he seems more like a middle aged professor to me. Then again, maybe it’s the trenchcoat and fedora aging him. Let’s just hope the woman isn’t his student, which would make this ad kind of disturbing if she was.

13. Which senior will you be watching this graduation day?

I don't know about graduation. However, we've all remember the creepy blond guy in the bowtie and the blue

I don’t know about graduation. However, we’ve all remember the creepy blond guy in the bowtie and the blue “M” shirt. That guy, my friend is future 3 time Academy Award winner, Jack Nicholson who’d later dye his hair dark and star in movies like Chinatown, The Shining, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Five Easy Pieces, and many others. Yes, this guy is going to be big after graduation.

14. Become an unforgettable and disarming woman by buying stockings of course.

Seriously, I would've been fine if this was just a vintage picture in Playboy geared toward men and encouraging them to seek out smarter women with big books on their shelves instead of big boobs. Since this is an ad to sell hosiery, I just have to be disappointed. Seriously all the women you read about may be unforgettable and disarming, but many of them did it without wearing hosiery. So does putting on that ad kind of defeat the purpose?

Seriously, I would’ve been fine if this was just a vintage picture in Playboy geared toward men and encouraging them to seek out smarter women with big books on their shelves instead of big boobs. Since this is an ad to sell hosiery, I just have to be disappointed. Seriously all the women you read about may be unforgettable and disarming, but many of them did it without wearing hosiery. So does putting on that ad kind of defeat the purpose?

15. Now you, too can have your own notebook containing a picture of your favorite teen heartthrob whether it be David Cassidy or Donny Osmond?

Let's just say that if you want to embarrass your mother, ask her if she actually had a notebook featuring either of these two guys. Of course, I wonder if they have one those notebooks with Michael Douglas' picture on them and if my mom had one. Then again, she probably had a notebook with Starsky and Hutch, too.

Let’s just say that if you want to embarrass your mother, ask her if she actually had a notebook featuring either of these two guys. Of course, I wonder if they have one those notebooks with Michael Douglas’ picture on them and if my mom had one. Then again, she probably had a notebook with Starsky and Hutch, too.

16. Wear the perfect hosiery and soon you’d have a guy staring up your skirt in the library.

And this is where a young Bill Nye the Science Guy discovered the wonders of human sexuality and reproduction both in a theoretical and literal sense. The woman's identity remains a secret to this day.

And this is where a young Bill Nye the Science Guy discovered the wonders of human sexuality and reproduction both in a theoretical and literal sense. For him it was the best day in high school he’d ever have. The female’s identity remains a secret to this day.

17. For your platter parties, here’s a spam pizza from Kraft and Spam.

Because if all that smoking in college doesn't kill you in the future, this spam pizza dish certainly will. I mean a 2 oz. serving contains 15 g of fat,  174 calories, and 767 mg of sodium. Basically, eat enough on it and you'll be a joke of a Monty Python sketch and die from cardiovascular disease.

Because if all that smoking in college doesn’t kill you in the future, this spam pizza dish certainly will. I mean a 2 oz. serving contains 15 g of fat, 174 calories, and 767 mg of sodium. Basically, eat enough on it and you’ll be a joke of a Monty Python sketch and die from cardiovascular disease.

18. Nothing is sexier than seeing a guy play the accordion.

Of course, the reason why she may date a guy playing the accordion is: A. He's the best looking available guy in school. B. Her parents like him and she doesn't want to let them down. C. His family is rich enough to own a yacht and a hunting lodge. D. She's secretly gay. E. She just simply loves polka music and Lawrence Welk for some reason. Or F. All of the above.

Of course, the reason why she may date a guy playing the accordion is: A. He’s the best looking available guy in school. B. Her parents like him and she doesn’t want to let them down. C. His family is rich enough to own a yacht and a hunting lodge. D. She’s secretly gay. E. She just simply loves polka music and Lawrence Welk for some reason. Or F. All of the above.

19. Some people go to school in a building, others outside in the open air.

Now if this classroom were set where I live, the kids would get a lot of days off, usually due to rain, snow, thunderstorms, ice, and what not. This is why outdoor classrooms aren't very practical.

Now if this classroom were set where I live, the kids would get a lot of days off, usually due to rain, snow, thunderstorms, ice, hail, wind, and what not. This is why outdoor classrooms aren’t very practical.

20. Of course, this ad shows a scene of a guy and girl studying chemistry.

Don't look now, but I think this is about to become a creepy love triangle any time soon. I mean the science teacher is totally checking that girl out which is rather disturbing if you ask me.

Don’t look now, but I think this is about to become a creepy love triangle any time soon. I mean the science teacher is totally checking that girl out which is rather disturbing if you ask me.

21. The party drink on college campuses, well, it’s 7 Up of course.

Of course, they may be talking about school sponsored activities here. However, 7 Up is used in a popular highball drink called 7 and 7. Still, let's just accept the fact that the most popular beverage on college campuses is beer and leave it at that.

Of course, they may be talking about school sponsored activities here. However, 7 Up is used in a popular highball drink called 7 and 7. Still, let’s just accept the fact that the most popular beverage on college campuses is beer and leave it at that.

22. Want to be one of the cool kids in school? Then start smoking!

Yeah, these perky kids may look cool, but be warned this is an ad that's promoting a product that should never be sold to minors at all. Yet, since this is before the later 1960s, tobacco might as well get as many kiddies hooked as it can. Expect these kids to spend the rest of their lives on a respirator with their lungs full of tar.

Yeah, these perky kids may look cool, but be warned this is an ad that’s promoting a product that should never be sold to minors at all. Yet, since this is before the later 1960s, tobacco might as well get as many kiddies hooked as it can. Expect these kids to spend the rest of their lives on a respirator with their lungs full of tar.

23. For girls going to college, take hangers, driver’s license, sewing kit, bedsheets, and ukelele?

I'm sure Bethany's obsession with Hawaiian music is going to drive her roommate Marjorie into many sleepless nights. Still, the girl seems like she doesn't have a clue.

I’m sure Bethany’s obsession with Hawaiian music is going to drive her roommate Marjorie into many sleepless nights. Still, the girl seems like she doesn’t have a clue.

24. Buy a dress like this and become a distraction to boys in the classroom.

Let's just say that the boy's inability to pay attention in school is his fault, not the girl's. I mean her dress is totally in line with dress code regulations. Yet, since a lot of girls are being blamed for distracting their fellow male students, a lot of them have to endure humiliation of being sent home to change. This isn't a good thing.

Let’s just say that the boy’s inability to pay attention in school is his fault, not the girl’s. I mean her dress is totally in line with dress code regulations. Yet, since a lot of girls are being blamed for distracting their fellow male students, a lot of them have to endure humiliation of being sent home to change. This isn’t a good thing.

25. Seems that the girls are very much into lumberjack trend for men this year.

Of course, I hope they don't find out that the guy is a crossdresser who hangs in bars, wears suspenders and a bra, and has a lot of gender identity issues. Seriously, these girls need to be prepared to be disappointed.

Of course, I hope they don’t find out that the guy is a crossdresser who hangs in bars, wears suspenders and a bra, and has a lot of gender identity issues. He also enjoys shopping a lot. Seriously, these girls need to be prepared to be disappointed.

The Pro Sports Mascot Hall of Shame

Doing a post on bad sports mascots got me thinking about the big leagues and how some of them don’t seem to rally the team as much as create a franchise embarrassment. Now I know many of the guys behind the costumes probably started doing this in high school and college perhaps to get in with the cheerleaders or avoid embarrassment of their jock filled family who didn’t want him in marching band. Yet, many of these pro mascots probably took their talent to the big leagues since they love the limelight and/or don’t have many applicable skills. Now the following mascots I’m listing on this post are from the Big Four Leagues based in the United States and sometime Canada as far as the NHL goes. Still, for those who feel embarrassed about your pro team mascot, this is the list for you and for those who are offended for putting your favorite mascot on the list, I sincerely apologize. So without further adieu, here is my cavalcade of the worst mascots in professional sports.

 

NFL

 

1. Steely McBeam- Pittsburgh Steelers

Now I'm from the Pittsburgh area and most Steelers fans think that Steely McBeam is perhaps the stupidest mascot from any Pittsburgh Big Four sports franchise. Seriously, Steely is creepy as hell and his eyes reveal that he's ready to whack someone with his steel I-beam. Nevertheless, why did the Steelers think that they needed a mascot that's so lame?

Now I’m from the Pittsburgh area and most Steelers fans think that Steely McBeam is perhaps the stupidest mascot from any Pittsburgh Big Four sports franchise. Seriously, Steely is creepy as hell and his eyes reveal that he’s ready to whack someone with his steel I-beam. Nevertheless, why did the Steelers think that they needed a mascot that’s so lame?

 

2. Rowdy- Dallas Cowboys

The Dallas Cowboys may be America's football team (Steeler fans: actually no way in hell), but we're sure that Rowdy isn't America's favorite NFL mascot. Also, I think he's kind of committing sexual harassment by gazing at that cheerleader's boobs. Creepy.

The Dallas Cowboys may be America’s football team (Steeler fans: no way in hell), but we’re sure that Rowdy isn’t America’s favorite NFL mascot. Also, I think he’s kind of committing sexual harassment by gazing at that cheerleader’s boobs. Creepy.

 

3. Boltman- San Diego Chargers

Though Boltman was born with phenomenally electrical powers, he couldn't get a job anywhere else than being the San Diego Chargers' mascot after he was rejected by the X-Men for simply making the team look bad and pissing off Wolverine.

Though Boltman was born with phenomenally electrical powers, he couldn’t get a job anywhere else than being the San Diego Chargers’ mascot after he was rejected by the X-Men for simply making the team look bad and pissing off Wolverine.

 

4. Edgar, Allan, and Poe- Baltimore Ravens

I don't know about you, but I think having three Baltimore Ravens mascots modeled after the racist crows from Dumbo named Edgar, Allan, and Poe would sort of send the noted author of "The Raven" turning in his grave. Sure they shall receive love from their fans, nevermore.

I don’t know about you, but I think having three Baltimore Ravens mascots modeled after the racist crows from Dumbo named Edgar, Allan, and Poe would sort of send the noted author of “The Raven” turning in his grave. Sure they shall receive love from their fans, nevermore.

 

5. Blue-Indianapolis Colts

While horses are majestic and beautiful creatures known to kick major ass, this horse mascot seemed to be designed by the creator of My Little Pony on a brown acid trip.

While horses are majestic and beautiful creatures known to kick major ass, this horse mascot seemed to be designed by the creator of My Little Pony on a brown acid trip.

 

6. T. D.- Miami Dolphins

You may not know it but dolphins are pretty aggressive creatures with some species known to kill for fun despite their cuteness. Yet, put one in a Miami Dolphins uniform and introduce it as your mascot, it doesn't seem very intimidating at all.

You may not know it but dolphins are pretty aggressive creatures with some species known to kill for fun despite their cuteness. Yet, put one in a Miami Dolphins uniform and introduce it as your mascot, it doesn’t seem very intimidating at all. Seriously, still too cute.

 

7. Raider Rusher- Oakland Raiders

Now what's worse than having a giant head person mascot ? Well, having a giant head mascot with a spike helmet and mask but no freaking torso! Imagine taking a picture of this guy with your kids. They'll probably cry.

Now what’s worse than having a giant head person mascot ? Well, having a giant head mascot with a spike helmet and mask but no freaking torso! Imagine taking a picture of this guy with your kids. They’ll probably cry.

 

8. Jaxon de Ville- Jacksonville Jaguars

Now I see nothing wrong with having a big cat mascot for your sports team. Yet, a big cat mascot in a speedo and sunglasses, well, that's not right. Seriously, I don't find speedo as anything you'd want to wear in front of kids, even on jaguars.

Now I see nothing wrong with having a big cat mascot for your sports team. Yet, a big cat mascot in a speedo and sunglasses, well, that’s not right. Seriously, I don’t find speedo as anything you’d want to wear in front of kids, even on jaguars.

 

9. Pat Patriot- New England Patriots

Now Pat the Patriot shows that just because he looks good for the logo, doesn't mean that he should have a costumed counterpart. I mean he has a sinister look in his eye as if he's about to ask for your soul.

Now Pat the Patriot shows that just because he looks good for the logo, doesn’t mean that he should have a costumed counterpart. I mean he has a sinister look in his eye as if he’s about to ask for your soul.

 

10. Sir Saint- New Orleans Saints

Now I know he's been mascot for the New Orleans Saints for years, but he's a walking and talking cartoon character. Also, he has an enormous chin, which is pretty terrifying if you ask me. Seriously, he seems he wants to beat up somebody after the game. Look at him.

Now I know he’s been mascot for the New Orleans Saints for years, but he’s a walking and talking cartoon character. Also, he has an enormous chin, which is pretty terrifying if you ask me. Seriously, he seems he wants to beat up somebody after the game. Look at him.

 

11. Captain Fear- Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Now he may seem rather fearsome all right, but for those who've seen the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, he seems to be a rather lame mascot even with the wicked scar on his face. Seems more appropriate for a children's movie with pirates in it who don't do anything, well, the good pirates anyway.

Now he may seem rather fearsome all right, but for those who’ve seen the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, he seems to be a rather lame mascot even with the wicked scar on his face. Seems more appropriate for a children’s movie with pirates in it who don’t do anything, well, the good pirates anyway.

 

12. Indian- Washington Redskins

Of course, I couldn't do a post on bad Big Four mascots without including one from the Washington Redskins. I mean this guy is a walking offensive caricature to Native Americans.  Seriously, Redskins, change your fucking name for God's sake? You're projecting a highly negative stereotype many Indians find profoundly offensive. Seriously, this mascot reveals the deep depths of your highly racist soul.

Of course, I couldn’t do a post on bad Big Four mascots without including one from the Washington Redskins. I mean this guy is a walking offensive caricature to Native Americans. Seriously, Redskins, change your fucking name for God’s sake? You’re projecting a highly negative stereotype many Indians find profoundly offensive. This mascot reveals the deep depths of your highly racist soul.

 

MLB

 

1. Raymond- Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Seriously, what the hell is this thing? Well, whatever he is, he seems more appropriate for a Dr. Seuss acid trip than as an official mascot for Major League Baseball.

Seriously, what the hell is this thing? Well, whatever he is, he seems more appropriate for a Dr. Seuss acid trip than as an official mascot for Major League Baseball. I mean he looks like he could be related to the Lorax for God’s sake.

 

2. Dinger- Colorado Rockies

Now I have one good thing and one bad thing to say about this mascot. The good: despite being a cuddly perfect dinosaur, at least he ain't Barney. The Bad: he's still a cuddly purple dinosaur who belongs in Land Before Time, not Major League Baseball.

Now I have one good thing and one bad thing to say about this mascot. The good: despite being a cuddly perfect dinosaur, at least he ain’t Barney. The Bad: he’s still a cuddly purple dinosaur who belongs in Land Before Time, not Major League Baseball.

 

3. Billy the Marlin- Florida Marlins

Now I'm not a big fan of fish mascots, yet this one seems like the Creature of the Black Lagoon's embarrassing long nosed cousin from Miami. Seriously, that does not resemble a marlin in any way.

Now I’m not a big fan of fish mascots, yet this one seems like the Creature of the Black Lagoon’s embarrassing long nosed cousin from Miami who has a large collection of Jimmy Buffett music. Seriously, that does not resemble a marlin in any way.

 

4. Phillie Phanatic- Philadelphia Phillies

I guess since he landed on planet earth,as well as appreciating it much more than wherever he came from, the Phillie Phanatic signed to be a mascot for the Phillies. Either that, or his Philadelphia mascot gig is a backup line of work after he fail his audition for Sesame Street. We're not sure which.

I guess since he landed on planet earth,as well as appreciating it much more than wherever he came from, the Phillie Phanatic signed to be a mascot for the Phillies. Either that, or his Philadelphia mascot gig is a backup line of work after he fail his audition for Sesame Street. We’re not sure which.

 

5. Screech- Washington Nationals

Now I know that bald eagles are majestic creatures and is the national bird of the United States. This mascot reduces an American icon to a Nick Jr. cartoon character.

Now I know that bald eagles are majestic creatures and is the national bird of the United States. This mascot reduces an American icon to a Nick Jr. cartoon character.

 

6. Bernie Brewer- Milwaukee Brewers

Sure he may be a beloved mascot for the Milwaukee Brewers, but his bushy old timey mustache seems to bring a rather creepy vibe to him. Really, Bernie doesn't seem to be up to no good.

Sure he may be a beloved mascot for the Milwaukee Brewers, but his bushy old timey mustache seems to bring a rather creepy vibe to him. Really, Bernie doesn’t seem to be up to no good.

 

7. Southpaw- Chicago White Sox

After being rejected from Sesame Street, Southpaw traveled all the way to Chicago to make his fortune. After a comedy run on Second City, Southpaw managed to achieve fame as the mascot for the Chicago White Sox. Of course, his Twitter account says: “Hey! It’s me Southpaw, the official White Sox Mascot. I sleep, breathe, eat (well…maybe not eat..that would be weird) the White Sox.” Excuse me? What did I just hear? And they have this guy perform at birthday parties?

 

8. Sluggerr- Kansas City Royals

Seriously, is that crown his skin? Seriously, what is he? Is he an alien from outer space because crown heads like that aren't natural in large mammal predators. Still, he's simply terrifying.

Seriously, is that crown his skin? Seriously, what is he? Is he an alien from outer space because crown heads like that aren’t natural in large mammal predators. Either that or what would happen if Bart Simpson mated with a bear. Still, he’s simply terrifying and that kid doesn’t seem too happy posing with him.

 

9. D. Baxter the Bobcat- Arizona Diamondbacks

For God's sake, I'm sure that looks like something I'd see in Pittsburgh during a furry convention. That costume is simply terrifying if you know what I mean and is kind of an insult to bobcats.

For God’s sake, I’m sure that looks like something I’d see in Pittsburgh during a furry convention. That costume is simply terrifying if you know what I mean and is kind of an insult to bobcats.

 

10. Wally the Green Monster- Boston Red Sox

I'm sure the people of Boston might find this Incredible Muppet Hulk loveable for some reason. Yet, for the rest of us, this Jim Hensian monstrosity would probably make everyone else uncomfortable who doesn't live in Boston.

I’m sure the people of Boston might find this Incredible Muppet Hulk loveable for some reason. Yet, for the rest of us, this Jim Hensonian monstrosity would probably make everyone else uncomfortable who doesn’t live in Boston.

 

11. Slider- Cleveland Indians

The Good News: Despite their refusal to change their outright racist logo and send Chief Wahoo to the burning fires of Hell, you have to admit their efforts to include a mascot that doesn't offend Native Americans. The Bad News: If there was a slasher horror movie that included a cast of Jim Henson muppets, I'm sure he'd be the monster killing everybody.

The Good News: Despite their refusal to change their outright racist logo and send Chief Wahoo to the burning fires of Hell, you have to admit their efforts to include a mascot that doesn’t offend Native Americans. The Bad News: If there was a slasher horror movie that included a cast of Jim Henson muppets, I’m sure he’d be the monster killing everybody.

 

12. San Diego Chicken- San Diego Padres

Though he is known for beating up Barney the purple dinosaur during Padres games, yet let's face it, chickens make lame mascots for sports teams. I'm sure this guy seems more appropriate as a spokesman for Tyson yet he didn't want to advocate people eating his fellow poultry.

Though he is known for beating up Barney the purple dinosaur during Padres games, yet let’s face it, chickens make lame mascots for sports teams. I’m sure this guy seems more appropriate as a spokesman for Tyson yet he didn’t want to advocate people eating his fellow poultry.

 

13. Clark the Cub- Chicago Cubs

If you think going through a century without a World Series win was bad enough for Chicago Cubs fans, then you don't know the half of it. Sure Clark is a cute mascot but he's a bit creepy as if he's a spokesman for some Saturday morning PSA about adults touching you inappropriately. That or something a person drew to get into art school.

If you think going through a century without a World Series win was bad enough for Chicago Cubs fans, then you don’t know the half of it. Sure Clark is a cute mascot but he’s a bit creepy as if he’s a spokesman for some Saturday morning PSA about adults touching you inappropriately. That or something a person drew to get into art school.

 

14. Gapper- Cincinnati Reds

Let's see Gapper is either: A. Elmo's embarrassing dad who basically swindled his son's Sesame Street earnings. B. A monster chasing you in a Jim Henson horror movie. C. An alien from outer space. Or D. all of the above.

Let’s see Gapper is: A. Elmo’s embarrassing dad who basically swindled his son’s Sesame Street earnings. B. A monster chasing you in a Jim Henson horror movie. C. An alien from outer space. Or D. all of the above.

 

15. Junction Jack- Houston Astros

Let's see if Jim Henson ever did a muppet version of Deliverance, I'm sure Junction Jack would be doing unspeakable things to the muppet Ned Beatty character. Seriously, if you hear any banjo music nearby when he's around, get the hell out of there.

Let’s see if Jim Henson ever did a muppet version of Deliverance, I’m sure Junction Jack would be doing unspeakable things to the muppet Ned Beatty character. Seriously, if you hear any banjo music nearby when he’s around, get the hell out of there.

 

16. Swinging Friar- San Diego Padres

Now I know that the San Diego Padres derive their name from the Franciscan Friars and that "padre" is another thing to call a priest. Yet, I wonder how many people firmly believe that the Swinging Friar is an insulting caricature of monks? I mean they were pretty awesome guys in the Middle Ages, not fat idiots akin to Friar Tuck!

Now I know that the San Diego Padres derive their name from the Franciscan Friars and that “padre” is another thing to call a priest. Yet, I wonder how many people firmly believe that the Swinging Friar is an insulting caricature of monks? I mean they were pretty awesome guys in the Middle Ages, not fat idiots akin to Friar Tuck!

 

17. Mr. Redlegs- Cincinnati Reds

Mr. Redlegs is basically a cross between Mr. Met and the Monopoly Man. Yet, from the look in his crazed eyes, you wonder whether he's going to murder any players from the opposing team shall any of them score a home run.

Mr. Redlegs is basically a cross between Mr. Met and the Monopoly Man. Yet, from the look in his crazed eyes, you wonder whether he’s going to murder any players from the opposing team shall any of them score a home run.

 

18. The Luchador- Arizona Diamondbacks

Sure as a lucha libre wrestler, he's a racist caricature that offends many in the Latino Community. Yet, what choice did the Arizona Diamondbacks had in selecting him? I mean their other candidates to curry favor to Latinos included a  giant walking burrito, a chubby pancho clad bandito with a sombrero and duel wielding pistol, a matador, and a flamenco dancer. Perhaps a Hispanic baseball player from the team would've been better.

Sure as a lucha libre wrestler, he’s a racist caricature that offends many in the Latino Community. Yet, what choice did the Arizona Diamondbacks had in selecting him? I mean their other candidates to curry favor to Latinos included a giant walking burrito, a chubby pancho clad bandito with a sombrero and duel wielding pistol, a matador, and a flamenco dancer. Perhaps a Hispanic baseball player from the team would’ve been better.

 

19. Lefty and Righty- Boston Red Sox

Dear Boston, just because your team is named the Red Sox, doesn't mean that having two giant red sock mascots is a good idea. Seriously, why?

Dear Boston, just because your team is named the Red Sox, doesn’t mean that having two giant red sock mascots is a good idea. Seriously, why?

 

20. Orbit- Houston Astros

Sure Orbit may be a cuddly alien but we're not sure what the hell the ends of his antennas are for. Also, he's not very intimidating is he? More like an alien who'd appear on some cereal box at Save A Lot.

Sure Orbit may be a cuddly alien but we’re not sure what the hell the ends of his antennas are for. Also, he’s not very intimidating is he? More like an alien who’d appear on some cereal box at Save A Lot.

 

21. Paws- Detroit Tigers

He's basically related to Tony the Tiger who's on ten years probation after a stint in the state penitentiary. We're not sure what he was in for but he did something really bad. Tony the Tiger's family doesn't really talk about him.

He’s basically related to Tony the Tiger who’s on ten years probation after a stint in the state penitentiary. We’re not sure what he was in for but he did something really bad. Tony the Tiger’s family doesn’t really talk about him. Perhaps because he has an unsettling look in his eyes.

 

22. The Sausages- Milwaukee Brewers

Think of them as a muppet version of the Village People, but 100 times more terrifying. Yeah, you don't want to stay at the YMCA when when these guys do a rendition.

Think of them as a muppet version of the Village People, but 100 times more terrifying. Yeah, you don’t want to stay at the YMCA when when these guys do a rendition.

 

23. Stomper- Oakland Athletics

Now he may appear as a reasonably intimidating elephant on the Oakland A's logo. Yet, he practically seems more suited for a kid's program in person and that's no small peanuts here.

Now he may appear as a reasonably intimidating elephant on the Oakland A’s logo. Yet, he practically seems more suited for a kid’s program in person and that’s no small peanuts here. Yeah, not very intimidating.

 

NBA

 

1. G-Wiz- Washington Wizards

Basically G-Wiz is the result of what would happen if Gonzo and Cookie Monster got together in a biblical sense. Probably designed by someone who was totally tripping on acid. Called "G-Wiz" when its fans said, "Gee whiz, what the fucking hell is that thing?"

Basically G-Wiz is the result of what would happen if Gonzo and Cookie Monster got together in a biblical sense. Probably designed by someone who was totally tripping on acid. Called “G-Wiz” when its fans said, “Gee whiz, what the fucking hell is that thing?”

 

2. Jazz Bear- Utah Jazz

Basically reminds me of what would happen if an Ewok had gotten together with Chewbacca. That or if Smokey the Bear had gotten too friendly with a lady Sasquatch.

Basically reminds me of what would happen if an Ewok had gotten together with Chewbacca. That or if Smokey the Bear had gotten too friendly with a lady Sasquatch.

 

3. Hip Hop the Rabbit- Philadelphia 76ers

Basically he looks like if Bugs Bunny worked for the Barksdale Organization on The Wire. That what would happen if Bugs Bunny had mated with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, I'm sure his swag is going to keep him from being fired. Oh, yeah, he did get fired.

Basically he looks like if Bugs Bunny worked for the Barksdale Organization on The Wire. That what would happen if Bugs Bunny had mated with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, I’m sure his swag is going to keep him from being fired. Oh, yeah, he did get fired.

 

4. Rumble the Bison- Oklahoma City Thunder

Basically he's the result of what would happen if Chewbacca had gotten together with the Minotaur. Doesn't look like an actual bison at all. Rather it's kind of offensive to American bison, particularly in Oklahoma.

Basically he’s the result of what would happen if Chewbacca had gotten together with the Minotaur. Doesn’t look like an actual bison at all. Rather it’s kind of offensive to American bison, particularly in Oklahoma.

 

5. Burnie- Miami Heat

Of course, after putting up with this horrifying cantaloupe nosed Sesame Street reject, I can see why Lebron James decided to go back to Cleveland. Seriously, he inspires nightmares not spirit.

Of course, after putting up with this horrifying cantaloupe nosed Sesame Street reject, I can see why Lebron James decided to go back to Cleveland. Seriously, he inspires nightmares not team spirit.

 

6. Stuff the Magic Dragon- Orlando Magic

Stuff the Magic Dragon is: A. Designed by a 5 year old or by some guy on acid who was a fan of Peter, Paul, and Mary. B. Originally going to be called "Puff the Magic Dragon," but the Orlando Magic was sued by the 1960s folk trio for copyright infringement. C. An alien from outer space. D. A muppet character reject from Sesame Street. Or E. All of the above.

Stuff the Magic Dragon is: A. Designed by a 5 year old or by some guy on acid who was a fan of Peter, Paul, and Mary. B. Originally going to be called “Puff the Magic Dragon,” but the Orlando Magic was sued by the 1960s folk trio for copyright infringement. C. An alien from outer space. D. A muppet character reject from Sesame Street. Or E. All of the above.

 

7. Pierre the Pelican- New Orleans Pelicans

The good news is that the New Orleans Pelicans finally managed to make a chicken mascot that's bound to strike fear and inspire nightmares in those who lay eyes on him. The bad news is that Pierre is not supposed to be a chicken.

The good news is that the New Orleans Pelicans finally managed to make a chicken mascot that’s bound to strike fear and inspire nightmares in those who lay eyes on him. The bad news is that Pierre is not supposed to be a chicken.

 

8. Go the Gorilla- Phoenix Suns

Only the Phoenix Suns could think of a mascot by dressing a guy in a gorilla suit and a Phoenix Suns jersey. However, our culture has been well accustomed to not taking people in gorilla suits seriously though gorillas are animals nobody would want to mess with.

Only the Phoenix Suns could think of a mascot by dressing a guy in a gorilla suit and a Phoenix Suns jersey. However, our culture has been well accustomed to not taking people in gorilla suits seriously though gorillas are animals nobody would want to mess with.

 

9. Coyote- San Antonio Spurs

Of course, there are two things this Arizona coyote seems to enjoy: rallying the crowd for the Arizona coyotes and smoking crystal meth. Seriously, look at his eyes, there's clearly something not right with him.

Of course, there are two things this Arizona coyote seems to enjoy: rallying the crowd for the Arizona coyotes and smoking crystal meth. Seriously, look at his eyes, there’s clearly something not right with him.

 

10. Sir CC- Cleveland Cavaliers

With Sir CC, all the dashing swashbuckling heroes of 17th century France are reduced to an idiotic caricature in this guy. Maybe the Cleveland Cavaliers should just stick with Moondog and dump him.

With Sir CC, all the dashing swashbuckling heroes of 17th century France are reduced to an idiotic caricature in this guy. Maybe the Cleveland Cavaliers should just stick with Moondog and dump him at least before Alexandre Dumas’ ghost rises out of his grave.

 

11. Thunder- Golden State Warriors

What the hell is this? Seriously, I almost thought it was either Nightcrawler's estranged brother or a guy who once tried out for Blue Man Group before finding out it wasn't a boy band. Still, I hear he was fired from the team for steroid use in 2011 and has been spotted last year in a Chinese opium den.

What the hell is this? Seriously, I almost thought it was either Nightcrawler’s estranged brother or a guy who once tried out for Blue Man Group before finding out it wasn’t a boy band. Still, I hear he was fired from the team for steroid use in 2011 and has been spotted last year in a Chinese opium den.

 

12. Grizz- Memphis Grizzlies

Grizz's dream was to be the first bear to be a chemical engineer and had a lot of great ideas for shampoo. Unfortunately, being a bear, he was unable to secure any meaningful employment and became a mascot for the Memphis Grizzlies instead.

Grizz’s dream was to be the first bear to be a chemical engineer and had a lot of great ideas for shampoo. Unfortunately, being a bear, he was unable to secure any meaningful employment and became a mascot for the Memphis Grizzlies instead. He is not happy about it.

 

13. Brooklyn Knight- Brooklyn Nets

Let's see, this is perhaps one of the worst NBA mascots ever and not because he looks as if he could be a half-brother to Skeletor or possibly Lady Gaga. I mean he's named after a porn star, has no connection to the team name or where they play, has no face, and scared children. I mean he seems more suited for a supervillain with designs for world domination in an action movie than as an NBA sports mascot. Let's just say that any knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail would've made a better mascot for the Nets. At least Spamalot played on Broadway.

Let’s see, this is perhaps one of the worst NBA mascots ever and not because he looks as if he could be a half-brother to Skeletor or possibly Lady Gaga. I mean he’s named after a porn star, has no connection to the team name or where they play, has no face, and scared children. I mean he seems more suited for a supervillain with designs for world domination in an action movie than as an NBA sports mascot. Let’s just say that any knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail would’ve made a better mascot for the Nets. At least Spamalot played on Broadway.

 

14. King Cake Baby- New Orleans Pelicans

Of course, this mascot is perhaps the last thing you'd want at any baby shower, especially if you're the pregnant guest of honor. Seriously, he's basically what would happen if Big Boy and Chucky got together. Of courses, I may owe Pierre the Pelican an apology.

Of course, this mascot is perhaps the last thing you’d want at any baby shower, especially if you’re the pregnant guest of honor. Seriously, he’s basically what would happen if Big Boy and Chucky got together. Of courses, I may owe Pierre the Pelican an apology.

 

15. Lucky the Leprechaun- Boston Celtics

Only this walking mascot that depicts negative Irish stereotypes could make the Lucky Charms Leprechaun seethe with marshmallowy disdain that he'd probably send the Stay Puft Marshmallow Guy after him. I mean Lucky from the Boston Celtics makes leprechauns appear like such douchebags. Still, this mascot also projects bad stereotypes on the Irish as well.

Only this walking mascot that depicts negative Irish stereotypes could make the Lucky Charms Leprechaun seethe with marshmallowy disdain that he’d probably send the Stay Puft Marshmallow Guy after him. I mean Lucky from the Boston Celtics makes leprechauns appear like such douchebags. Still, this mascot also projects bad stereotypes on the Irish as well.

 

16. Hugo T. Hornet- Charlotte Hornets

Hugo is: A. From outer space. B. Created by someone on acid. C. Became this way after falling victim to some nuclear accident that left him not only human-sized but also blue and purple with yellow hair.  Or D. All of the above.

Hugo is: A. From outer space. B. Created by someone on acid. C. Became this way after falling victim to some nuclear accident that left him not only human-sized but also blue and purple with yellow hair. Or D. All of the above.

 

17. Mavs Man- Dallas Mavericks

Of course, the Thing never wanted his son Mavs Man to pursue a career in showbiz. Yet, because he didn't have super powers but inherited his father's skin, Mavs Man packed up and went to Dallas where he became a mascot to the Dallas Mavericks.

Of course, the Thing never wanted his son Mavs Man to pursue a career in showbiz. Yet, because he didn’t have super powers but inherited his father’s skin, Mavs Man packed up and went to Dallas where he became a mascot to the Dallas Mavericks.

 

18. Clutch the Bear- Houston Rockets

Aww, Clutch the Bear is so cute that I want to hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever. Hey, wait a minute, a basketball mascot shouldn't resemble a stuffed animal you'd give a baby to. What am I thinking?

Aww, Clutch the Bear is so cute that I want to hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever. Hey, wait a minute, a basketball mascot shouldn’t resemble a stuffed animal you’d give a baby to. What am I thinking?

 

19. G-Man- Washington Wizards

Good News: Well, at least he's not as bad as the G-Wiz mascot from earlier. Bad News: Looks as if he was a former member of Blue Man Group who was thrown out for steroid use.

Good News: Well, at least he’s not as bad as the G-Wiz mascot from earlier. Bad News: Looks as if he was a former member of Blue Man Group who was thrown out for steroid use.

 

20. Bowser- Indianapolis Pacers

Sure he may dunk, but he’s more appropriate as a mascot for some animal shelter or a children’s show character since he’s so cuddly. Doesn’t seem intimidating at all. Was sent to the dog pound in 2010 where he may have been put to sleep, but I’m not sure.

 

NHL

 

1. Fin the Whale- Vancouver Canucks

If keeping killer whales in captivity for shows at Sea World hurts orcas then having a terrifying Fin the Whale as a mascot for the Canucks isn’t far behind. Let’s just say while orcas aren’t cute and cuddly, Fin doesn’t seem to represent them in a good light, especially when he tries to bite off children’s heads. Boy, I hope he doesn’t do anything to that boy with cancer.

 

2. Wild Wing- Anaheim Ducks

Well, he's basically what you'd have if Jason Voorhees was played by Daffy Duck and he looks as if he's out for blood. Give him a machete and any hockey game can become a duck reenactment of Friday the 13th.

Well, he’s basically what you’d have if Jason Voorhees was played by Daffy Duck and he looks as if he’s out for blood. Give him a machete and any hockey game can become a duck reenactment of Friday the 13th on ice.

 

3. Spartacat- Ottawa Senators

At first, you'd think Spartacat would seem like a fairly badass mascot. However, noticing his cuddly demeanor and his Shaun White hair, you'd probably be disappointed. But this little girl seems to love him anyway.

At first, you’d think Spartacat would seem like a fairly badass mascot. However, noticing his cuddly demeanor and his Shaun White hair, you’d probably be disappointed. But this little girl seems to love him anyway.

 

4. Stinger- Columbus Blue Jackets

Let's see, he's not cute, he's not furry, and he's not very pleasant. In fact, he seems like he's getting ready to sting those mangy kids who won't get off his lawn. Let's just see a giant angry insect mascot is perhaps the last thing you want to see at a hockey game.

Let’s see, he’s not cute, he’s not furry, and he’s not very pleasant. In fact, he seems like he’s getting ready to sting those mangy kids who won’t get off his lawn. Let’s just see a giant angry insect mascot is perhaps the last thing you want to see at a hockey game.

 

5. Youppi- Montreal Canadiens

Youppi was actually a mascot for the Montreal Expos before moving to the Canadiens. Still, he kind of reminds me of a lovechild you'd expect between Bigfoot and Carrot Top. Or perhaps he's the product of Yukon Cornelius hooking up with the Abominable Snowman from Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer TV special.

Youppi was actually a mascot for the Montreal Expos before moving to the Canadiens. Still, he kind of reminds me of a lovechild you’d expect between Bigfoot and Carrot Top. Or perhaps he’s the product of Yukon Cornelius hooking up with the Abominable Snowman from Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer TV special.

 

6. Sparky the Ice Dragon- New York Islanders

Sparky is also an arena football mascot as well and probably should've stayed one. I mean dragons have no connection to the Islander name or New York. Seems more of a dragon for a children's show or Puff the Magic Dragon's evil twin brother. Also, he can't breathe fire, fly, and isn't a mascot for a team named the Dragons. Seriously, why New York, why?

Sparky is also an arena football mascot as well and probably should’ve stayed one. I mean dragons have no connection to the Islander name or New York. Seems more of a dragon for a children’s show or Puff the Magic Dragon’s evil twin brother. Also, he can’t breathe fire, fly, and isn’t a mascot for a team named the Dragons. Seriously, why New York, why?

 

7. Harvey the Hound- Calgary Flames

I see no problem with a dog mascot. Yet, a dog with his tongue out all the time and there is no excuse that he's the mascot for the Calgary Flames. Well, other than being a possible creation of a 6-year old boy who was told to think outside the box. But you'd think a team like the Calgary Flames would have a better mascot perhaps one relating to fire. Torch from the Fantastic Four would've been a better choice or a fire breathing dragon.

I see no problem with a dog mascot. Yet, a dog with his tongue out all the time and there is no excuse that he’s the mascot for the Calgary Flames. Well, other than being a possible creation of a 6-year old boy who was told to think outside the box. But you’d think a team like the Calgary Flames would have a better mascot perhaps one relating to fire. Torch from the Fantastic Four would’ve been a better choice or a fire breathing dragon.

 

8. Al the Octopus- Detroit Red Wings

Of course, you'd think that the Detroit Red Wings would have a more appropriate mascot than a cartoonish purple octopus?  Of course, it has something to do with a team legend but still, it's a fucking purple octopus! It has absolutely nothing to do with Detroit, wings, or the color red. Also, it's kind of scary looking.

Of course, you’d think that the Detroit Red Wings would have a more appropriate mascot than a cartoonish purple octopus? Of course, it has something to do with a team legend but still, it’s a fucking purple octopus! It has absolutely nothing to do with Detroit, wings, or the color red. Also, it’s kind of scary looking.

 

9. Sabretooth- Buffalo Sabres

I thought Sabretooth tigers were badass vicious prehistoric big cats. This looks like a plush animal you'd give to your cousin. Seriously, this mascot is an insult to sabretooth tigers everywhere. Even Tony the Tiger seems more intimidating than that and he sells sugary cereal to children!

I thought Sabretooth tigers were badass vicious prehistoric big cats. This looks like a plush animal you’d give to your cousin. Seriously, this mascot is an insult to sabretooth tigers everywhere. Even Tony the Tiger seems more intimidating than that and he sells sugary cereal to children!

 

10. Thunderburg- Tampa Bay Lightning

You'd think a team called the Lightning would have a rather badass mascot, especially if its named Thunderburg. Yet, this mascot either reminds me of a man-sized but harmless insect you can trust your children with or a harmless insect-like humanoid space alien that won't frighten kids.

You’d think a team called the Lightning would have a rather badass mascot, especially if its named Thunderburg. Yet, this mascot either reminds me of a man-sized but harmless insect you can trust your children with or a harmless insect-like humanoid space alien that won’t frighten kids.

 

11. Stormy- Carolina Hurricanes

You'd think a team like the Carolina Hurricanes would have a mascot that pertained to, well, hurricanes, especially with the name Stormy. Apparently they decided to go with a pig named Stormy. Of course, North Carolina has a lot of hogs and some of them may fall victim to hurricanes, but why? This doesn't make any fucking sense! Also, this mascot seems more appropriate for children's cartoon for God's sake.

You’d think a team like the Carolina Hurricanes would have a mascot that pertained to, well, hurricanes, especially with the name Stormy. Apparently they decided to go with a pig named Stormy. Of course, North Carolina has a lot of hogs and some of them may fall victim to hurricanes, but why? This doesn’t make any fucking sense! Also, this mascot seems more appropriate for children’s cartoon for God’s sake.

 

12. Sully and Force- Vancouver Canucks

Now having a terrifying killer whale mascot was one thing. But these guys, why do they even exist? Is Vancouver getting desperate for more mascot appeal? These green men are freaky and seem rather obnoxious. Seriously, what the hell Vancouver?

Now having a terrifying killer whale mascot was one thing. But these guys, why do they even exist? Is Vancouver getting desperate for more mascot appeal? These green men are freaky and seem rather obnoxious. Seriously, what the hell Vancouver?

 

13. Bernie the Saint Bernard- Colorado Avalanche

Of course, Saint Bernards are tough dogs known for rescuing people buried by avalanches. Yet, most people would look at Bernie and think of that dog from the Beethoven movie series.

Of course, Saint Bernards are tough dogs known for rescuing people buried by avalanches. Yet, most people would look at Bernie and think of that troublemaking dog from the Beethoven movie series, you know the films most people watch because of the G-rating.

 

14. Carlton the Bear- Toronto Maple Leafs

Sure polar bears are animals you don't want to mess with since they could rip your arm off. Yet, this bear seems more appropriate for a commercial advertising toilet paper that doesn't stick to your ass. Yeah, I'm talking about the snuggly Charmin commercials.

Sure polar bears are animals you don’t want to mess with since they could rip your arm off. Yet, this bear seems more appropriate for a commercial advertising toilet paper that doesn’t stick to your ass. Yeah, I’m talking about the snuggly Charmin commercials. They say he has a history of TV marketing perhaps as the BIMBO Bread Bear in Latin America? Certainly not the kind of bear that could rip your arm off.

 

15. Boomer the Cannon- Columbus Blue Jackets

Though Boomer certainly resembles a decent mascot, there's just one problem. When he debuted as a "a kid-friendly, cushy cannon character with a friendly face and fluffy moustache reminiscent of a Civil War-era general," the fans didn't take it too well. This is mostly for his so-called phallic appearance. Still, phallic or not, I think causing such controversy makes it worthy to add in the Pro Sports Mascot Hall of Shame.

Though Boomer certainly resembles a decent mascot, there’s just one problem. When he debuted as a “a kid-friendly, cushy cannon character with a friendly face and fluffy moustache reminiscent of a Civil War-era general,” the fans didn’t take it too well. This is mostly for his so-called phallic appearance. Still, phallic or not, I think causing such controversy makes it worthy to add in the Pro Sports Mascot Hall of Shame.

Willy Wonka and the Workplace Violations Report

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Recently we have received a number of complaints by visitors of the Golden Ticket Tour at Mr. Wonka’s confectionery factory. For personal reasons, all of the complainants have wished to remain anonymous. Mr. Wonka has a reputation for secrecy and no one has entered or left his factory in the last ten years, yet he continues to produce his confectionery products sold worldwide.  Mr. Wonka has been suspected for dubious business practices for quite some time and these complaints provide a unique insight in how Mr. Wonka runs his factory, which have been very useful in our investigation. It has come to our attention that he may be accused of possible workplace violations, using an illegal workforce, and misconduct to children, yet this needs to be studied further. Here is a violations that have been reported by the complainants from the Golden Ticket Tour and other anonymous individuals:

 

I. Health and Safety

1. Safety concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. Chocolate river has no safety rail and leads to a grinding machine via pipes.

b. Chocolate river boat has no safety rail either which caused a visitor to fall in the chocolate river while trying to consume its contents.

c. Nut Sorting Room has a gaping hole in the middle which leads straight to a garbage incinerator.

d. Great Glass Elevator smashes through a room.

e. New equipment has resulted significant mishaps such as one growing too much hair required the assistance of a lawn mower, twenty being turned into giant blueberries, one floating off into space, and a number of them being shrunk to fit on a small screen.

f. TV Room has a teleporter that could shrink anything to an inch so they could fit on a screen.

g. Whenever such similar mishaps befell any of the visitors during the Golden Ticket Tour, witnesses testify that you discussed rather bizarre solutions as if they were standard safety procedures that included:

i. Being compressed through an unknown procedure in the Fudge Room to get unstuck from a pipe after falling into the Chocolate River which resulted in the visitor exiting the facility as extremely thin and/or perhaps covered in chocolate.

ii. After being transformed into a blueberry, one visitor was restored through a juicing process yet was left permanently purple and absurdly flexible.

iii. Two visitors almost faced certain death in a garbage incinerator after falling from a gaping hole in the Nut Sorting Room. Both emerged from facility covered in garbage.

iv. After being shrunk in the TV Room, one visitor was stretched by a taffy puller which resulted in leaving the facility 10 ft tall but almost paper thin.

h. Mr. Wonka is a known recluse and his factory designed as a maze of differing rooms, mazes, spaces, and experiences. Visitors from the Golden Ticket Tour reported that it was hard to know what was coming around the next corner and a lot of them had trouble finding the exit besides the front door afterwards.

2. Health concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. Labor force was not seen in appropriate attire when handling any edible products according to one Golden Ticket Tour visitor who owns a factory of his own. He particularly noted seeing the workforce handle any edible products without wearing hairnets or gloves.

b. Same visitor also expressed doubts on whether the workers washed their hands or whether any of the facilities were regularly kept up to sanitary conditions.

c. Liquid chocolate was stored in a subterranean river system that left the substance at risk of exposure to contamination for a considerable length of time. Same goes for the other candy products in the Chocolate Room, which many of Golden Ticket Tour visitors touched with their bare hands. On the Golden Ticket Tour, Mr. Wonka took his visitors boat ride on the chocolate river in which one fell in while trying to consume its contents. It is not known whether Mr. Wonka ever ordered his workers to dispose of the chocolate.

 

II. Labor

1. Labor concerns pertaining to Mr. Wonka’s facility:

a. One former employee who was at the factory during the Golden Ticket Tour testified that he spontaneously had his entire paying workforce laid off due to an issues in industrial espionage. Judging that the former employee was previously living in squalid conditions, saving up money from public assistance to buy his grandson a candy bar, and is cared for by of one of his children, it is highly unlikely any of Mr. Wonka’s former employees received compensation or worker’s pension. Though he has no bad feelings for Mr. Wonka and has now moved into the factory with his family since the Golden Ticket Tour, he still feels the need to acknowledge this since many of Mr. Wonka’s former employees still express bitterness over the situation.

b. Same former employee also said that after the layoff, Mr. Wonka had his paid workforce replaced by a large number of undocumented immigrants from some obscure Third World country that is not officially recognized status under the United States government and one even the geography teacher in the Golden Ticket Tour has never even heard of. It can be fair to say that none of them have any authorization to work in this country nor could provide any documentation.

c. Mr. Wonka has been reported to openly admit that he pays these undocumented employees in nothing but cacao beans. Yet, he says he does provide comfortable housing facilities for them, though we are not sure about their diets.

d. Though Mr. Wonka says his workers are happy at his factory, it is unknown whether he actually allows them to come and go as they please since there has never been anyone entering or exiting the facility in ten years. Then again, owing to his workers’ undocumented status, it does not appear they have much of a choice. Their strong fears about deportation should also be taken into account.

e. Mr. Wonka said that his current employees originate from a faraway place known as Loompaland, which was filled with carnivorous beasts who preyed on them. He says that these Oompa Loompas see him as some benefactor and that living and working in his factory for cacao beans is not much of a sacrifice to them. Yet, we only have his word for it since all they have been seen doing by the Golden Ticket Tour visitors consisted of producing candy, being test subjects in his experiments, drinking alcoholic beverages while on the job, and suddenly bursting into song and dance routines whenever there was a mishap involving four of the Golden Ticket recipients.

f. It has been witnessed that Mr. Wonka uses his workers to test for side effects in his confectionery, sometimes with severe and possibly fatal results though he does what he can to rescue them when such tests go awry.

g. Some have said that a few of the design ideas at Mr. Wonka’s factory have come from a few of his staff members themselves, though we are sure he usually takes the credit.

 

III. Food Safety

1. Judging by the Golden Ticket Tour visitors’ testimonies, we find the safety of some of Mr. Wonka’s products questionable to put on the market. These consist of:

a. Fizzy Lifting Drinks which are soft drinks that make people fly. Fortunately, they could descend through belching on this one despite that one Golden Ticket recipient and his grandfather were almost killed by a fan while on one of these.

b. Three Course Dinner Chewing Gum that turns its consumers into large blueberries once they get to dessert. Even if juiced, the victims remain purple forever and sometimes gain flexibility in their skeletal system.

c. Confectionery products being stored in unsanitary conditions and open for contamination.

d. Everlasting Gobstoppers which are said to never get smaller no matter how long someone sucks on them.

e. Ice cream that always stays cold and does not melt in the sun.

f. Staff handling confectionery without proper attire and possibly without observing basic hygiene.

g. Rainbow drops that people could suck and spit in six different colors.

h. Hair Toffee, a candy that causes excessive hair growth on both hair and chin (even on women). Major side effect for consumers includes having to use landscaping equipment to maintain their hair from then on.

i. Exploding Candy.

2. Mr. Wonka has yet to release a list of ingredients for many of his concoctions, many of which could contain harmful chemicals or pose dangerous side effects, particularly to children. If Mr. Wonka fails to cooperate with us, perhaps we can purchase some of these products for chemical analysis.

 

IV. Environment

1. We are not just concerned of what is in some of Mr. Wonka’s questionable products, but also whether he is using any chemicals or is properly disposing any excess waste transported out of his factory and the potential impact they may have in the surrounding community, particularly if it is a chewing gum that turns people into blueberries. We do know his factory has an incinerator but that is as much as we know about his facility’s waste disposal.

2. We are not sure what Mr. Wonka runs his machinery on or their environmental impact on the surrounding community. All we know is that he has perhaps the largest confectionery in the world which must consume a lot of energy and perhaps water. It is unknown whether Mr. Wonka has reverted to sustainable practices.

3. We suggest we test the water in the surrounding community to see whether  Mr. Wonka’s practices have any impact on public health.

 

V. Conduct with Minors

1. A while back, Mr. Wonka staged a contest to allow five lucky children into his factory by hiding five golden tickets in his chocolate bars.

2. During the Golden Ticket Tour four of the five children were involved in some dangerous situation whether it pertained to falling into a chocolate river and getting stuck in a pipe, getting turned into a blueberry while chewing an experimental gum, falling through a gaping hole that led to a garbage incinerator, and getting shrunk by a teleporter.

3. Despite what happened to these four children, Mr. Wonka has not issued an apology for the life changing trauma they went through at his factory. Rather he states that these children were spoiled brats who refused to listen to his warnings and have nobody but themselves to blame causing some to believe he steered them in to such trouble to scare them straight.

4. Mr. Wonka has also declined to give compensation to any of these four children and their families on account that he viewed their parents as indulging to their child’s every whim and should probably try being better parents. Has been known to politely discourage others from questioning him, including the parents. The parents have decided to sue for damages.

5. Apparently, Mr. Wonka seems to be either calm or amused to see children suffer under perilous conditions whether it is through a spectromatic boat tunnel that many of the Golden Ticket Tour visitors found rather scary or all the previous fates of four children he sees as “teaching a lesson” that boundaries should be respected.

 

VI. Mr. Wonka’s Character

1. In this investigation, we find Mr. Wonka as an enigmatic figure who has a problem with transparency, has more concern for his candy than human beings, and has no regard for industrial safety procedures whatsoever. He never thinks about what he put his former workers through or any impact he has upon the local community, the environment, or public health.

2. Mr. Wonka is a very rich man has not released his financial records for several years and it is unknown whether he actually pays taxes. He also has yet to disclose the names of those who supply him with raw materials or whether he pays them. Given his reputation as a one of the richest recluses in the world, Mr. Wonka fails to realize that transparency is the rule when running an industrial establishment.

3. Mr. Wonka fails to understand that to run an industrial workplace, particularly a confectionery, maintaining a clean and safe workplace are top priorities. While it is perfectly fine for Mr. Wonka to design his workplace as a creative playground, health and safety in the workplace should always come first whether that means having guard rails, having workers wash their hands and cover their hair, and making the facility easily navigable for workers and visitors. Mr. Wonka has ignored these.

4. Mr. Wonka also does not seem to understand that all food items should be stored in sanitary conditions and free from contamination. This means that all of his confectionery ingredients should be stored in sealed containers and not exposed to the open air. Who knows what the contents in the Chocolate Room have been exposed to.

5. Mr. Wonka does not see anything wrong with child endangerment whether it pertains to his products and factory equipment. In fact, he sees nothing wrong with releasing certain products that contain potentially harmful chemicals.

6. One visitor remarked that he mentioned the word “snozzberry” during a stop pertaining to flavored wall paper. The only definition our investigation managed to find for this word was a British slang term for penis.

7. Mr. Wonka does not see any reason to have his factory or policies structured to meet confectionery regulations.

 

VII. Response

1. That in evaluating these complaints from the Golden Ticket visitors and others, we continue our thorough investigation into Mr. Wonka’s activities by inspecting the facilities in question to determine whether there is any truth behind their complaints. If their testimonies prove accurate than it is with all due respect that we give time for Mr. Wonka to meet regulations or else face criminal charges for health and safety violations, food safety violations, workplace misconduct, hiring an undocumented workforce, environmental damage, lack of transparency, and child endangerment.

2. But first it would best to notify Mr. Wonka of the charges he may be up against and our intended actions during the investigation as well as inform him on what he should do to avoid arrest. Yet, even if he does conform to workplace regulations, this does not mean he is immune to lawsuits and criminal prosecution. Also, note that he designated the lone unharmed Golden Ticket recipient as his heir who is ten years old. Thus, Mr. Wonka might have been expecting this.

College Mascots: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

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Soon Back to School Season would be upon us and soon college kids will be returning to their schools. Of course, this means we’ll be upon the season for college sports such as football as you’d see on ESPN. Thus, we’ll be anticipating the return of the college mascots. These are loveable characters who’ve become personified symbols for our home teams. Whether a costumed student or a live animal, they spend their Saturday afternoons and/or evenings revving the crowd, engaging in hilarious hijinks, and on some occasions in NCAA Division I sports, beating the crap out of the other team’s mascot. Of course, my alma mater Saint Vincent College is a Division III school, Vinny the Bearcat  probably didn’t have the chance to beat up some of the other teams’ mascots, though he did launch T-shirt cannons. Yet, at least he’s a decent looking mascot despite being practically a cougar. I mean he’s fierce enough to strike fear into the other team yet cuddly enough not to make kids cry in photo ops. Nor does he cause a major embarrassment in the Saint Vincent Community. Still, I could talk all day about the great mascots and sideline heroes in college sports but that would be boring. Instead, I’ll show you the college mascots that may cause a lifetime of shame and embarrassment to the students who have to don the costumes. These mascots fail to instill any pride or excitement in the fans and have gotten mocked outright. At best, they roam anonymously on the sidelines. At worst, they are uneeded distractions with their mere existence as an excuse for an exercise in stupidity. So without further adieu, here is a collection of college mascots that probably shouldn’t be on the field.

1. Peter the Anteater- University of Irvine Anteaters

Demetri Martin once said that while it's possible to make something cool uncool, it's difficult to make something uncool cool. Now you can give Peter a buff, mean faced anteater with scary markings. Yet, that doesn't change the fact he's a long tongued creature that eats ants. I'm sure if the NCAA was run by ants, he'd be very a scary creature indeed, but it's not.

Demetri Martin once said that while it’s possible to make something cool uncool, it’s difficult to make something uncool cool. Now you can give Peter a buff, mean faced anteater with scary markings. Yet, that doesn’t change the fact he’s a long tongued creature that eats ants. I’m sure if the NCAA was run by ants, he’d be very a scary creature indeed, but it’s not.

2. Cayenne the Chili Pepper- University of Louisiana at Lafayette Ragin’ Cajuns

Now I understand that Lafayette, Louisiana is in Cajun country and I know a lot of Cajuns use Cayenne pepper for their cuisine. Sure it may have a face that may fend off a few competitors, too. But come on, he's a giant red pepper for God's sake. And who would be proud to have a giant pepper representing their school?

Now I understand that Lafayette, Louisiana is in Cajun country and I know a lot of Cajuns use Cayenne pepper for their cuisine. Sure it may have a face that may fend off a few competitors, too. But come on, he’s a giant red pepper for God’s sake. And who would be proud to have a giant pepper representing their school?

3. Speedy the Geoduck- Evergreen State Geoducks

In case you don't know, a geoduck is a large saltwater clam with a very long siphon. Of course, not very intimidating, especially since the costume seems to come out of a sci-fi TV show gone horribly wrong. Maybe Evergreen State should've gone with a better seafood mascot like a crab, lobster, or giant squid.

In case you don’t know, a geoduck is a large saltwater clam with a very long siphon. Of course, not very intimidating, especially since the costume seems to come out of a sci-fi TV show gone horribly wrong. Maybe Evergreen State should’ve gone with a better seafood mascot like a crab, lobster, or giant squid.

4. Artie the Artichoke- Scottsdale Community College Fighting Artichokes

Of course, Artie would be a more appropriate mascot if he could sport fangs and have a face for human flesh. Unfortunately he doesn't and resembles more of a failed nutrition spokesman or a reject from a Fruit of the Loom commercial.

Of course, Artie would be a more appropriate mascot if he could sport fangs and have a taste for human flesh. Unfortunately he doesn’t and resembles more of a failed nutrition spokesman or a reject from a Fruit of the Loom commercial.

5. Sammy the Banana Slug- University of California-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs

Now the banana slug was adopted by this college as a commentary on the overemphasis on athletics. And it certainly mimics the school's main pillars of non-aggressiveness, contemplation, flexibility, and stepping outside the status quo. Unfortunately, such qualities a good mascot doesn't make and Sammy seems more like your friendly neighborhood space alien than anything.

Now the banana slug was adopted by this college as a commentary on the overemphasis on athletics. And it certainly mimics the school’s main pillars of non-aggressiveness, contemplation, flexibility, and stepping outside the status quo. Unfortunately, such qualities a good mascot doesn’t make and Sammy seems more like your friendly neighborhood space alien than anything.

6. WuShock- Wichita State University Shockers

WuShock is supposed to represent shock of wheat. Yet, this doesn't lead to people outside Wichita think that he's anthropomorphic electricity or a secret lovechild of the Thing from a sexual encounter with a toilet brush. Still, it's kind of creepy if you ask me.

WuShock is supposed to represent shock of wheat. Yet, this doesn’t lead to people outside Wichita think that he’s anthropomorphic electricity or a secret lovechild of the Thing from a sexual encounter with a toilet brush. Still, it’s kind of creepy if you ask me.

7. The Fighting Okra- Delta State University Fighting Okra

Of course, you can make your mascot fierce by giving it a mean expression and boxing gloves. But if your mascot is a giant green vegetable all that's going to do is make it resemble a rejected muppet character from Sesame Street.

Of course, you can make your mascot fierce by giving it a mean expression and boxing gloves. But if your mascot is a giant green vegetable all that’s going to do is make it resemble a rejected muppet character from Sesame Street.

8. Keggy the Keg- Dartmouth University Big Green

Now if your mascot is a giant anthropomorphic beer keg what does it say about your school? That it has a reputation for being party school with a lot of fraternities and sororities as well as excessive drinking. Now would you want your school mascot to represent, especially if it's an ivy league college like Dartmouth?

Now if your mascot is a giant anthropomorphic beer keg what does it say about your school? That it has a reputation for being party school with a lot of fraternities and sororities as well as excessive drinking. Now would you want your school mascot to represent these aspects, especially if it’s an ivy league college like Dartmouth?

9. Scrotie- Rhode Island School of Design Nads

Now if there was a college mascot you wouldn't want to pose in a picture with your kids or parents, then Scrotie would be it.  I mean college sporting events are supposed to be family friendly activities here. A guy dressed as male genitalia is not. Now I know this is an inappropriate image but I'm posting it anyway since you can't make something like this up.

Now if there was a college mascot you wouldn’t want to pose in a picture with your kids or parents, then Scrotie would be it. I mean college sporting events are supposed to be family friendly activities here. A guy dressed as male genitalia is not. Now I know this is an inappropriate image but I’m posting it anyway since you can’t make something like this up.

10. Cy- Iowa State University Cyclones

Now seriously, why do cardinal birds make us think of tornadoes? Oh, yeah, I remember they don't. Of course, Cy was chosen for the mascot since the school thought that Walter the Wrecked Trailer epically failed to capture the ISU spirit.

Now seriously, why do cardinal birds make us think of tornadoes? Oh, yeah, I remember they don’t. Of course, Cy was chosen for the mascot since the school thought that Wally the Wrecked Trailer epically failed to win the fans’ hearts.

11. Puddles- University of Oregon Ducks

Of course, in Disney canon, Puddles Duck is remembered as Donald Duck's older brother and a rather neglectful father to Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Still, Donald always has to put up with with his parents constantly comparing him to how great his brother is representing the Oregon Ducks around Thanksgiving. This is despite the fact that Donald always has to watch Puddles' kids, has a steady girlfriend named Daisy,  and works for Walt Disney.

Of course, in Disney canon, Puddles Duck is best remembered as Donald Duck’s older brother and a rather neglectful father to Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Still, Donald always has to put up with with his parents constantly comparing him to how great his brother is representing the Oregon Ducks around Thanksgiving. This is despite the fact that Donald always has to watch Puddles’ kids, has a steady girlfriend named Daisy, and works for Disney.

12. Gaylord Camel- Campbell University Fighting Camels

Now having a camel mascot is perfectly fine. After all, camels can be  Yet, naming him Gaylord is just, well, lame. Guess Gaylord has become Campbell's fearsome mascot since he spent his childhood being beat up at school for being named Gaylord.

Now having a camel mascot is perfectly fine. After all, camels can be Yet, naming him Gaylord is just, well, lame. Guess Gaylord has become Campbell’s fearsome mascot since he spent his childhood being beat up at school for being named Gaylord.

13. The Tree- Stanford University Cardinals

This mascot reminds me of the singing Christmas trees I see at Rite Aid around the holidays and not in a good way. Still, for God's sake, Stanford, if your team is called the Cardinals, have a cardinal mascot! There's no need to have a poorly designed tree to represent your school.

This mascot reminds me of the singing Christmas trees I see at Rite Aid around the holidays and not in a good way. Still, for God’s sake, Stanford, if your team is called the Cardinals, have a cardinal mascot! There’s no need to have a poorly designed tree to represent your school.

14. Sam the Minuteman- University of Massachusetts Minutemen

Though the Minutemen is a good nickname for UMass, Sam seems to smile like a corrupt colonial politician than as an embodiment of patriotism. More like, "vote for me or I'll steal this baby's lollipop" than anything.

Though the Minutemen is a good nickname for UMass, Sam seems to smile like a corrupt colonial politician than as an embodiment of patriotism. More like, “vote for me or I’ll steal this baby’s lollipop” than anything.

15. Pistol Pete- Oklahoma State University Sooners

Of course, Pistol Pete only started to appear as Oklahoma State's mascot after being fired as an animatronic showman at Chuck E. Cheese's. Of course, Chuck E. Cheese couldn't stand Pistol Pete's drinking habits, anger issues, and tendency to show up to work with a firearm.

Of course, Pistol Pete only started to appear as Oklahoma State’s mascot after being fired as an animatronic showman at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Of course, Chuck E. Cheese couldn’t stand Pistol Pete’s drinking habits, anger issues, and tendency to show up to work with a firearm.

16. Goldy Gopher- University of Minnesota Goldy Gophers

On one hand, there is some good reasons to have a gopher as a mascots. I mean we've all seen Caddyshack to know that they're pretty fast, cause a lot of damage to lawns, and can be very hard to kill in a real life version of Whack-a-Mole. However, this mascot seems more suitable for a children's show than a football game.

On one hand, there is some good reasons to have a gopher as a mascots. I mean we’ve all seen Caddyshack to know that they’re pretty fast, cause a lot of damage to lawns, and can be very hard to kill in a real life version of Whack-a-Mole. However, this mascot seems more suitable for a children’s show than a football game.

17. Zippy Kangaroo – University of Akron Zips

Now don't get me wrong, kangaroos can be pretty fierce and aggressive animals. Dopey Zippy here doesn't seem to embody these qualities. Nevertheless, I have to give Akron credit for giving her a pouch and making her a female. A male kangaroo with a pouch would've been even more ridiculous.

Now don’t get me wrong, kangaroos can be pretty unpredictable and aggressive animals. Dopey Zippy here doesn’t seem to embody these qualities. Nevertheless, I have to give Akron credit for giving her a pouch and making her a female. A male kangaroo with a pouch would’ve been even more ridiculous.

18. Otto the Orange- University of Syracuse Orange

Now Syracuse is known for having severe winters and experiencing 120 inches of snow. This isn't a good climate for citrus fruits. Also, a giant dancing orange with arms and legs wearing a cap makes a rather dopey mascot indeed.

Now Syracuse is known for having severe winters and experiencing 120 inches of snow. This isn’t a good climate for citrus fruits. Also, a giant dancing orange with arms and legs wearing a cap makes a rather dopey mascot indeed. And as to how this Orange can survive in sub-zero weather probably means it was genetically modified.

19. Purdue Pete- Purdue University Boilermakers

Look, Purdue, you have another mascot called the Boilermaker Special which is a cool looking old timey train people could ride in. Why do you need an expressionless hard-hatted guy with a hammer?

Look, Purdue, you have another mascot called the Boilermaker Special which is a cool looking old timey train people could ride in. Why do you need an expressionless hard-hatted guy with a hammer?

20. Hokie Bird- Virginia Tech University Hokies

Let's face it, Virginia Tech, Hokie Bird is a turkey which aren't known to be fearsome creatures (at least the domestic "other white meat" variety). Still, you have to admit that Hokie Bird does live up to his name. I mean a turkey mascot is kind of hokey isn't it?

Let’s face it, Virginia Tech, Hokie Bird is a turkey which aren’t known to be fearsome creatures (at least the domestic “other white meat” variety though they aren’t pleasant). Still, you have to admit that Hokie Bird does live up to his name. I mean a turkey mascot is kind of hokey isn’t it?

21. Nittany Lion- Pennsyvania State University Nitany Lions

Now I know what a Nittany Lion is supposed to be and I think Penn State is perfectly fine with having a mountain lion mascot. However, whoever designed the Nittany Lion's costume thinks it resembles an emaciated bear for some reason. And let's say the footie-pajama getup doesn't seem to help.

Now I know what a Nittany Lion is supposed to be and I think Penn State is perfectly fine with having a mountain lion mascot. However, whoever designed the Nittany Lion’s costume thinks it resembles an emaciated bear for some reason. And let’s say the footie-pajama getup doesn’t seem to help. But the ladies seem to love him.

22. Big Red- Western Kentucky University Hilltoppers

What the hell is this? And exactly how does Grimace's long lost half-brother "represent the spirit of WKU?" Or is he a lovechild of Grimace and the Kool Aid Man? I can't decide.

What the hell is this? And exactly how does Grimace’s long lost half-brother “represent the spirit of WKU?” Or is he a lovechild of Grimace and the Kool Aid Man? I can’t decide.

23. Lil’ Red- University of Nebraska-Lincoln Cornhuskers

Knowing he was too creepy for the restaurant business unlike his more successful cousin, Big Boy, Lil' Red traveled to Lincoln, Nebraska to be a mascot to the Cornhuskers. Still, he seems more appropriate for a mom-and-pop restaurant with a "21 and over" sign than a school sporting event.

Knowing he was too creepy for the restaurant business unlike his more successful cousin, Big Boy, Lil’ Red traveled to Lincoln, Nebraska to be a mascot to the Cornhuskers. Still, he seems more appropriate for a mom-and-pop restaurant with a “21 and over” sign than a school sporting event.

24. Brutus Buckeye- Ohio State University Buckeyes

Now hearing the name of "Brutus Buckeye" you'd think that Ohio State's mascot could be a rather fearsome mascot. Alas, this dopey guy with a nut head doesn't even live up to his rather awesome name. And as far as dumb mascots go, he appears on every list compiled by those who don't live in Columbus or attended OSU.

Now hearing the name of “Brutus Buckeye” you’d think that Ohio State’s mascot could be a rather fearsome mascot. Alas, this dopey guy with a nut head doesn’t even live up to his rather awesome name. And as far as dumb mascots go, he appears on every list compiled by those who don’t live in Columbus or attended OSU.

25. Oski- University of California-Berkeley Golden Bears

Now I see nothing wrong with having a bear as a mascot. We all know that you don't want to go near one while hiking in the woods. Yet, a cuddly bear mascot with a dopey smile and button down sweater seems like he was created due to parental complaints of his scarier predecessor frightening their small children.

Now I see nothing wrong with having a bear as a mascot. We all know that you don’t want to go near one while hiking in the woods. Yet, a cuddly bear mascot with a dopey smile and button down sweater seems like he was created due to parental complaints of his scarier predecessor frightening their small children.

26. Troll- Trinity College Trolls

Now trolls are certainly fearsome creatures but they are also annoying, dirty, ugly, unpleasant, and have very bad B. O. A school whose mascot embodies such qualities, should probably consider getting a new mascot.

Now trolls are certainly fearsome creatures but they are also annoying, dirty, ugly, unpleasant, and have very bad B. O. A school whose mascot embodies such qualities, should probably consider getting a new mascot.

27. Friar Dom- Providence College Friars

Don't get me wrong, I could see why Providence College would go with calling themselves the Friars since it's a Dominican school. Yet, there's just something about Friar Dom's hollow eyes and grimacing smile that's kind of unsettling. He kind of seems less like an austere, fear-inspiring religious figure, and more like the Angel of Death himself.

Don’t get me wrong, I could see why Providence College would go with calling themselves the Friars since it’s a Dominican school. Yet, there’s just something about Friar Dom’s hollow eyes and grimacing smile that’s kind of unsettling. He kind of seems less like an austere, fear-inspiring religious figure, and more like the Angel of Death himself.

28. Demon Deacon- Wake Forest University Demon Deacons

Look, if you want to have "Demon Deacons" as your school mascot, at least have him look like an actual demon instead of an elderly late 19th century circus ringmaster.

Look, if you want to have “Demon Deacons” as your school mascot, at least have him look like an actual demon instead of an elderly late 19th century circus ringmaster who’d probably get eaten by lions or trampled by elephants.

29. Rocky the Rocket- University of Toledo Rockets

Now there's nothing wrong with calling your team "the Rockets." But holy Toledo, to have a mascot that more or less belongs in a Saturday morning cartoon from the 1990s is another matter. Seriously, what the hell Toledo?

Now there’s nothing wrong with calling your team “the Rockets.” But holy Toledo, to have a mascot that more or less belongs in a Saturday morning cartoon from the 1990s is another matter. Seriously, what the hell Toledo?

30. The Billiken- Saint Louis University Billikens

Now s Billiken is said to be a charm doll created by a 19th art teacher that bears a cross between a kewpie and a Gringotts goblin. This one is a tamer version but is a batlike alien with hair or what would happen if Count Chocula got together with a troll doll.

Now s Billiken is said to be a charm doll created by a 19th art teacher that bears a cross between a kewpie and a Gringotts goblin. This one is a tamer version but is a batlike alien with hair, an albino batboy or what would happen if Count Chocula got together with a troll doll.

31. The Fighting Pickle- University of North Carolina School of the Arts Fighting Pickles

Now what's stupider than having a pickle as your school mascot, is having a fighting pickle mascot but no officially sanctioned athletic teams like UNCSA. Still, at least the fighting pickle knows how to embrace the spirit of the school with his French beret and goatee, paintbrush, and piano key tutu.

Now what’s stupider than having a pickle as your school mascot, is having a fighting pickle mascot but no officially sanctioned athletic teams like UNCSA. Still, at least the fighting pickle knows how to embrace the spirit of the school with his Shakespearean hat and mask, French facial hair, paintbrush, and piano key tutu.

32. Kernel Cob- Concordia College Cobbers

Now this is either an anthropomorphic ear of corn, a muppet character rejected from Sesame Street, or what would result if Bert got together with a magic tree. I can't decide.

Now this is either an anthropomorphic ear of corn, a muppet character rejected from Sesame Street, a maize monster in an alternative line of work, or what would result if Bert got together with a magic tree. I can’t decide. Still, it’s pretty lame.

33. Captain Cane- University of Tulsa Hurricanes

For one, there are no hurricanes in Oklahoma, yet Tulsa probably calls themselves on the age old belief that the tornado nickname was taken. Second, Captain Cane was a former student who transformed to this in an accident involving storm generated electricity. Yet, he's Tulsa's mascot since he couldn't go back to work as an electrician and that he was too lame to join the Avengers.

For one, there are no hurricanes in Oklahoma, yet Tulsa probably calls themselves on the age old belief that the tornado nickname was taken. Second, Captain Cane was a former student who transformed to this in an accident involving storm generated electricity. Yet, he’s Tulsa’s mascot since he couldn’t go back to work as an electrical engineer and that he was too lame to join the Avengers.

34. The Blue Blob- Xavier University Musketeers

Since what does a blue blob monster have to do with musketeers outside of Sesame Street? Seriously Xavier? If the musketeers ever faced a monster that looked even remotely like an earlier design of Cookie Monster, I'm sure Alexandre Dumas would've mentioned it in his books. Wouldn't he?

Since what does a blue blob monster have to do with musketeers outside of Sesame Street? Seriously Xavier? If the musketeers ever faced a monster that looked even remotely like an earlier design of Cookie Monster, I’m sure Alexandre Dumas would’ve mentioned it in his books. Wouldn’t he?

35. Guntson- George Mason University Patriots

Of course, this cuddly green monstrosity seems to be more suitable for Sesame Street or thought being a mascot for George Mason was a great fall back career after the famed children's show rejected him.

Of course, this cuddly green monstrosity seems to be more suitable for Sesame Street or thought being a mascot for George Mason was a great fall back career after the famed children’s show rejected him. Of course, college mascot seems to be the alternative career path for many Sesame Street rejects for some reason.

36. The Boll Weevil- University of Arkansas -Monticello Boll Weevils

Now I know that a boll weevil is a real insect known to cause a lot agricultural infestation. Its a long nosed brown beetle. This looks like an alien from outer space and thus a different life form entirely.

Now I know that a boll weevil is a real insect known to cause a lot agricultural infestation. It’s a long nosed brown beetle. This looks like an alien from outer space and thus a different life form entirely.

37. Izzy the Islander- Texas A&M -Corpus Christi Islanders

Now I'd expect a Tiki mascot at a college in Hawaii. But a Tiki mascot in Texas? Besides, isn't the whole "tiki torches, grass hula skirts, and wooden masks," thing is kind of offensive to Pacific Islanders. Seriously, not all Pacific Islanders are the bare boobed head hunters they're made out to be in the mass media.

Now I’d expect a Tiki mascot at a college in Hawaii. But a Tiki mascot in Texas? Besides, isn’t the whole “tiki torches, grass hula skirts, and wooden masks,” thing is kind of offensive to Pacific Islanders. Seriously, not all Pacific Islanders are the bare boobed head hunters they’re made out to be in the mass media.

38. Gorlok- Webster University Gorloks

Now a gorlok is a mythical creature you probably never heard of mainly because it's something Webster just made up. According to them, it's said to have a cheetah's paws, a buffalo's horn, and a Saint Bernard's. Yet, to me it reminds me of some large unknown predator on steroids.

Now a gorlok is a mythical creature you probably never heard of mainly because it’s something Webster just made up. According to them, it’s said to have a cheetah’s paws, a buffalo’s horns, and a Saint Bernard’s face. Yet, to me it reminds me of some kind of wild feline on steroids.

39. Pete the Peacock- Upper Iowa University Peacocks

Then again, peacocks kind of have a lot in common with a lot of college athletes. I mean girls love them and have a tendency for being vain, arrogant, strut around to attract ladies, and sometimes quite vicious. Yet, I'm not sure an animal whose feathers we use in women's hats is a good idea for a school mascot.

Then again, peacocks kind of have a lot in common with a lot of college athletes. I mean girls love them and have a tendency for being vain, arrogant, strut around to attract ladies, and sometimes quite vicious. Yet, I’m not sure an animal whose feathers we use in women’s hats is a good idea for a school mascot. A real peacock is much more intimidating.

40. Gladys the Fighting Squirrel- Mary Baldwin College Flying Squirrels

Seriously,  this mascot seems to belong at a girls' softball team than at a college sports game. At least having her as a mascot for a girls' softball team would make more sense. Guess the school isn't into athletics very much.

Seriously, this mascot seems to belong at a girls’ softball team than at a college sports game. At least having her as a mascot for a girls’ softball team would make more sense. Guess the school isn’t into athletics very much or had their mascot chosen by 5-year old girls.

41. Joe Bruin- University of California-Los Angeles Bruins

Basically he's a ripoff from his older brother Oski from Berkeley. Though less cuddly than his older brother, he still kind of resembles a teddy bear with bad fashion sense.

Basically he’s a ripoff from his older brother Oski from Berkeley. Though less cuddly than his older brother, he still kind of resembles a teddy bear with bad fashion sense.

42. Super Frog- Texas Christian University Horned Frogs

Now a horned frog is another term for a Texas horned lizard and thus a misnomer. It's the state reptile of Texas.  Yet,  TCU's Super Frog seems to resemble some form of humanoid dinosaur or space alien.

Now a horned frog is another term for a Texas horned lizard and thus a misnomer. It’s the state reptile of Texas. Yet, TCU’s Super Frog seems to resemble some form of humanoid dinosaur or space alien.

43. The Leprechaun- Notre Dame University Fighting Irish

Now the "Fighting Irish" is perfectly okay for Notre Dame. A fighting Leprechaun logo is fine as well. Yet, having a mascot be a guy dressed like one sort of takes the negative Irish stereotyping too far, especially if he looks like he's fresh off from Riverdance.

Now the “Fighting Irish” is perfectly okay for Notre Dame. A fighting Leprechaun logo is fine as well. Yet, having a mascot be a guy dressed like one sort of takes the negative Irish stereotyping too far, especially if he looks like he’s fresh off from Riverdance.

44. Mr. Commodore- Vanderbilt University Commodores

Let's see, who's idea for a college mascot consisted of a crusty mutton chop old guy in 19th century naval attire? This guy is simply terrifying, especially since he's holding a big stick he intends to whack any player who doesn't play to his specifications.

Let’s see, who’s idea for a college mascot consisted of a crusty mutton chop old guy in 19th century naval attire? This guy is simply terrifying, especially since he’s holding a big stick he intends to whack any player who doesn’t play to his specifications.

45. Saluki- Southern Illinois University Salukis

Now salukis are actually fairly graceful dogs, but this mascot makes these pooches seem the essence of nightmares who might maul their opponents to death.

Now salukis are actually fairly graceful dogs, but this mascot makes these pooches seem the essence of nightmares who might maul their opponents to death.

46. Buzz- Georgia Institute of Technology Yellow Jackets

Now I don't know about you but I kind of find this insect mascot kind of creepy for some reason. Perhaps it's that he looks too much like a bug and he's human-sized. Just something about giant bugs that freaks me out especially if they could sting you.

Now I don’t know about you but I kind of find this insect mascot kind of creepy for some reason. Perhaps it’s that he looks too much like a bug and he’s human-sized. Just something about giant bugs that freaks me out especially if they could sting you.

47. The Battling Bishop- Ohio Wesleyan University Battling Bishops

Now this guy is a mascot for a Methodist college yet he seems more suited with being a mascot for the Spanish Inquisition. Except that the real Spanish Inquisition would probably burn him at the stake after being convicted of committing the heresy of being an extremely lame mascot.

Now this guy is a mascot for a Methodist college yet he seems more suited with being a mascot for the Spanish Inquisition. Except that the real Spanish Inquisition would probably burn him at the stake after being convicted of committing the heresy of being an extremely lame mascot.

48. The Penn Quaker- University of Pennsylvania Quakers

Now I know Penn probably uses a Quaker mascot since PA was founded by them. Yet, Quakerism is a religion that's founded on pacifism while many sports can erupt into fights. Perhaps the Quaker mascot should just stick to promoting oatmeal instead.

Now I know Penn probably uses a Quaker mascot since PA was founded by them. Yet, Quakerism is a religion that’s founded on pacifism while many sports can erupt into fights. Perhaps the Quaker mascot should just stick to promoting oatmeal instead.

49. Mortimer “Morty” McPestle- St. Louis College of Pharmacy Eutectics

For one, why does a pharmacy college have its own mascot? Second, this school's mascot seems to be of a guy who's been spending way to much time in the laboratory. I mean whatever is turning his skin yellow can't be good for him.

For one, why does a pharmacy college have its own mascot? Second, this school’s mascot seems to be of a guy who’s been spending way to much time in the laboratory. I mean whatever is turning his skin yellow can’t be good for him.

50. Sebastian the Ibis- Miami University Hurricanes

It's basically the Oregon Duck with a longer beak and some anger issues built in. Or perhaps it's just Howard the Duck post film career. Either way, that does not look like an ibis.

It’s basically the Oregon Duck with a longer beak and some anger issues built in. Or perhaps it’s just Howard the Duck post film career. Either way, that does not look like an ibis.

51. Benny the Beaver- Oregon State University Beavers

Now I don't know about you but Benny seems to resemble a buck toothed version of the dog from the Cookie Crisp cereal box than an actual beaver. I mean if you want your mascot to be a beaver at least have it look like a beaver, not a muskrat, groundhog, or whatever this thing is.

Now I don’t know about you but Benny seems to resemble a buck toothed version of the dog from the Cookie Crisp cereal box than an actual beaver. I mean if you want your mascot to be a beaver at least have it look like a beaver, not a muskrat, groundhog, or whatever this thing is.

52. Bucky Badger- University of Wisconsin Badgers

Badgers can be pretty tough and vicious animals that could spread rabies as well as eat your garbage. This guy seems too lame to inflict any damage whatsoever. Also, he has an enormous head which is kind of freaky.

Badgers can be pretty tough and vicious animals that could spread rabies as well as eat your garbage. This guy seems too lame to inflict any damage whatsoever. Also, he has an enormous head which is kind of freaky.

53. Lightning- Middle Tennessee State University Blue Raiders

Not to be outdone with mascot ridiculousness, MTSU basically took Tulsa’s Captain Cane and made it into a blue electric horse name Lightning. I suppose those at MTSU were either drunk or high at the time when they came up with this. Then again, MTSU’s previous mascot was Nathan Bedford Forrest so you might want to consider Lightning an improvement though he may tend to offend blue horses.

54. Willie Wave- Pepperdine University Waves

This is basically a cross between a surfer dude in a Hawaiian shirt with a large pompadour and way too much hairspray and a sea monster. Then again, he probably came to be after being struck by lightning while surfing during a hurricane.

This is basically a cross between a surfer dude in a Hawaiian shirt with a large pompadour and way too much hairspray and a sea monster. Then again, he probably came to be after being struck by lightning while surfing during a hurricane.

55. Austin Peay- Austin Peay State University Governors

Just the mascot a college needs, another old guy resembling a 19th century circus ringmaster. Not as bad like Demon Deacon but still more grandfatherly than intimidating.

Just the mascot a college needs, another old guy resembling a 19th century circus ringmaster. Not as bad like Demon Deacon but still more grandfatherly than intimidating.

56. John B. –Stetson University Hatters

Now he's probably not as ridiculous as his predecessor which was just a hat. But still, he seems to carry an unsettling expression on his face while handling a whip.

Now he’s probably not as ridiculous as his predecessor which was just a hat. But still, he seems to carry an unsettling expression on his face while handling a whip.

57. Scotty the Scotsman- Presbyterian College Blue Hose

For some reason I can't help looking at this guy and imagine what Mel Gibson would think of think of this. I mean he's basically a college mascot equivalent to William Wallace from Braveheart minus the blue paint on his face. Still, can't help imagining Scotty say, "They may take our ball and run with it to our side. They may deny us a chance for a championship but they'll never take our FREEEDOOOM!"

For some reason I can’t help looking at this guy and imagine what Mel Gibson would think of this. I mean he’s basically a college mascot equivalent to William Wallace from Braveheart minus the blue paint on his face. Still, can’t help imagining Scotty say, “They may take our ball and run with it to our side of the field. They may deny us a chance for an NCAA championship in a 50-0 game but they’ll never take our FREEEDOOOM!”

58. Gael Force One- Saint Mary’s College of California Gaels

Basically it's basically if Arnold Schwarzenegger's Conan the Barbarian did any advertising for Burger King. May not cause as much copyright infringement as Scotty the Scotsman but still.

Basically it’s basically if Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Conan the Barbarian did any advertising for Burger King. May not cause as much copyright infringement as Scotty the Scotsman but still.

59. WebstUR- University of Richmond Spiders

That's not a spider. He's basically a onetime sidekick of the Count from Sesame Street who nobody remembers. That, or a googly eyed frog with teeth.

That’s not a spider. He’s basically a onetime sidekick of the Count from Sesame Street who nobody remembers. That, or one of the muppet character rejects from Sesame Street. To call that a spider is beyond me.

60. Sparky the Sun Devil- Arizona State University Sun Devils

I'm sure the heat in Arizona can be a bit menacing. Yet, while Sparky has the menacing part down, he just seems a little creepy in photo ops, except on Halloween.

I’m sure the heat in Arizona can be a bit menacing. Yet, while Sparky has the menacing part down like a ball of fire, he just seems a little creepy in photo ops as if he’s eying his fans with malicious intent, except on Halloween.

61. The Blue Devil- Duke University Blue Devils

Now according to Duke, the Blue Devils were said to be a group of elite French soldiers during World War I. Duke's Blue Devil mascot just looks like as if the Prince of Darkness was reduced to a 1960s Batman villain.

Now according to Duke, the Blue Devils were said to be a group of elite French soldiers during World War I. Duke’s Blue Devil mascot just looks like as if the Prince of Darkness was reduced to a 1960s Batman villain.

62. The Mountaineer- West Virginia University Mountaineers

Hey, what the hell is a Davy Crockett impersonator doing here? Isn't he supposed to be a tour guide for visitors at the Alamo in San Antonio? Oh, sorry, WVU, but I had no idea that this guy was your school mascot. My bad.

Hey, what the hell is a Davy Crockett impersonator doing here? Isn’t he supposed to be a tour guide for visitors at the Alamo in San Antonio? Oh, sorry, WVU, but I had no idea that this guy was your school mascot. My bad.

63. Jonathan- University of Connecticut Huskies

Now while I see nothing wrong with the live husky Jonathan who seems quite cute the costume Jonathan seems to resemble someone you'd see at a furry convention. Seriously, it's an adult man in a husky costume, which isn't cute. It's creepy.

Now while I see nothing wrong with the live husky Jonathan who seems quite cute the costume Jonathan seems to resemble someone you’d see at a furry convention. Seriously, it’s an adult man in a husky costume, which isn’t cute. It’s creepy.

64. Testudo- University of Maryland Therapins

Now I would expect the University of Maryland to have an unconventional mascot but I don't think it should feature a slow old reptile that could live for nearly 100 years. Then again, they probably went for the turtle after realizing that a crab mascot costume would've been too complicated. Seriously, why couldn't Maryland simply go with a crab?

Now I would expect the University of Maryland to have an unconventional mascot but I don’t think it should feature a slow old reptile that could live for nearly 100 years. Then again, they probably went for the turtle after realizing that a crab mascot costume would’ve been too complicated. Seriously, why couldn’t Maryland simply go with a crab?

65. Paydirt Pete- University of Texas- El Paso Miners

Hmm. A prospector mascot with a mining pick. Unfortunately his eyes say that he has rage issues and lacks the self-restraint not to use it as a weapon. And he has no remorse as well as sees no need to seek counseling.

Hmm. A prospector mascot with a mining pick. Unfortunately his eyes say that he has rage issues and lacks the self-restraint not to use it as a weapon. And he has no remorse as well as sees no need to seek counseling.

66. Cocky- University of South Carolina Gamecocks

Now having a chicken as a college mascot is one thing. Yet, having your chicken mascot commemorate a tradition of animal cruelty is totally messed up. I mean a gamecock is a rooster used in cockfighting, can't anyone see anything wrong with that?

Now having a chicken as a college mascot is one thing. Yet, having your chicken mascot commemorate a tradition of animal cruelty is totally messed up. I mean a gamecock is a rooster used in cockfighting, can’t anyone see anything wrong with that?

67. Johnny Poet- Whittier College Poets

Despite Watergate, when I look at this I can't help being sorry for Richard Nixon. I mean he's probably the only guy in his administration who attended a college whose mascot was this guy. Seriously, poets are lovers not fighters! They get beat up at school not play on football teams. I mean what the hell Whittier? Just because your college was named after a poet doesn't mean your mascot should be one.

Despite Watergate, when I look at this I can’t help being sorry for Richard Nixon. I mean he’s probably the only guy in his administration who attended a college whose mascot was this guy. Seriously, poets are lovers not fighters! They get beat up at school not play on football teams. I mean what the hell Whittier? Just because your college was named after a poet doesn’t mean your mascot should be one.

68. YouDee – University of Delaware Fightn’ Blue Hens

Now I know Delaware's state bird is a blue hen. But really, I think YouDee seems to be more appropriate for a box of LSD laced Kelloggs Cornflakes than as a mascot at sporting events. Oh, and YouDee is supposed to be a male instead of an actual hen which is female. And that the blue hen was used in cockfighting. Seriously, Delaware?

Now I know Delaware’s state bird is a blue hen. But really, I think YouDee seems to be more appropriate for a box of LSD laced Kelloggs Cornflakes than as a mascot at sporting events. Oh, and YouDee is supposed to be a male instead of an actual hen which is female. And that the blue hen was used in cockfighting. Seriously, Delaware?

69. Ole- University of California-Santa Barbara Gauchos

This mascot reminds me of something I heard from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Something that goes along with: "Badges? We ain't got no badges. We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinkin' badges!" Yeah, kind of a negative Hispanic stereotype here.

This mascot reminds me of something I heard from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Something that goes along with: “Badges? We ain’t got no badges. We don’t need no badges! I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ badges!” Yeah, kind of a negative Hispanic stereotype here.

70. R.B. Bbhoggawact-Austin Community College Riverbats

Of course, before R. B. worked as a mascot for ACC, he was once a sidekick to the Count on Sesame Street. Of course, they didn't see eye to eye and had a big falling out.

Of course, before R. B. worked as a mascot for ACC, he was once a sidekick to the Count on Sesame Street. Of course, they didn’t see eye to eye and had a big falling out. They haven’t spoken to each other since.

71. Ace Purple- University of Evansville Purple Aces

For some reason, I'm not sure if it's a good idea to have a Wild West villain archetype as your college mascot. I mean a well dressed mascot isn't going to win you fans outside Evansville. Also, he kind of dresses like a pimp if you ask me.

For some reason, I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to have a Wild West villain archetype as your college mascot. I mean a well dressed mascot isn’t going to win you fans outside Evansville. Also, he kind of dresses like a pimp if you ask me.

72. Ephelia –Williams College Ephs

Okay, apparently Williams College's athletic director was high on some strong acid and thought a purple cow mascot was a good idea. I mean this lavender bovine Dr. Seussian nightmare here. Seriously, why?

Okay, apparently Williams College’s athletic director was high on some strong acid and thought a purple cow mascot was a good idea. I mean this lavender bovine Dr. Seussian nightmare here. Seriously, why?

73. The Student Prince- Heidelburg University Student Princes

Now Heidleburg's mascot is a student prince after the silent movie The Student Prince of Old Heidleburg. This mascot is a cheesy ripoff from Gladiator. Seriously, a student prince wouldn't be caught dead in that.

Now Heidelburg’s mascot is a student prince after the silent movie The Student Prince of Old Heidelburg. This mascot is a cheesy ripoff from Gladiator. Seriously, a student prince wouldn’t be caught dead in that.

74. Petey the Storm Petrel- Ogelthorpe University Storm Petrels

Of course, what would make a better college mascot than a small bird known to into hurricanes and tornadoes? Then again, perhaps it has rivals named the Tornadoes or Hurricanes. Yet, willingness to fly into a destructive storm doesn't always make the bird seem badass. This mascot seems rather pathetic.

Of course, what would make a better college mascot than a small bird known to into hurricanes and tornadoes? Then again, perhaps it has rivals named the Tornadoes or Hurricanes. Yet, willingness to fly into a destructive storm doesn’t always make the bird seem badass. This mascot seems rather pathetic.

75. Pete and Penny Penguin- Youngstown State University Penguins

Now I know that the Pittsburgh Penguins have Iceberg as their mascot, but at least Iceberg doesn't appear to have a side arm that entails greeting kids wanting to see Santa at the mall. These two seem to. Also, they don't seem to be up to any good by the looks of them.

Now I know that the Pittsburgh Penguins have Iceburgh as their mascot, but at least Iceberg doesn’t appear to have a side arm that entails greeting kids wanting to see Santa at the mall. These two seem to. Also, they don’t seem to be up to any good by the looks of them.

The Wonderful World of Sand Sculpture

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Summer is a time of year where many people tend to travel great length to go to the beach. Of course, many kids tend to build sandcastles with their sand toys and such. Yet, while some of them may be quite good, there are some adults who tend to take this to an art form. Sometimes they don’t even build castles since such subject matter is kids’ stuff. Nevertheless, this post is about the kind of sand sculpture that would put a lot of little kids to shame if they ever viewed their creations as having any serious artistic merit. Of course, most little kids don’t take their creations too seriously but that’s beside the point. So without further adieu, here is an assortment of sand sculptures by a lot of artists who actually did take their sand castles seriously as young kids.

 

1. Why make a sandcastle when you can create a whole sand city skyline?

Of course, I'm not sure what city or if a any urban entity has such skyline. Yet, I have to admit it's better city than what I could've created.

Of course, I’m not sure what city or if a any urban entity has such skyline. Yet, I have to admit it’s better city than what I could’ve created.

 

2. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present the abode of Poseidon.

I almost thought this was a sand sculpture of Zeus on Mount Olympus until I noticed the fish. Of course, you don't want to mess with Poseidon either since he's also the god of earthquakes.

I almost thought this was a sand sculpture of Zeus on Mount Olympus until I noticed the fish. Of course, you don’t want to mess with Poseidon either since he’s also the god of earthquakes.

 

3, Of course, you can’t exclude a sand sculpture of the Bard himself.

For those who don't know that is a donkey's head for Bottom from A Midsummer's Nights Dream. It's not a prop for The Godfather, which is nowhere near a Shakespearean comedy.

For those who don’t know that is a donkey’s head for Bottom from A Midsummer’s Nights Dream. It’s not a prop for The Godfather, which is nowhere near a Shakespearean comedy.

 

4. Of course, nobody can’t skip a sand sculpture rendition of the Wallace and Gromit classic The Wrong Trousers.

Of course, the moral of The Wrong Trousers is never trust mysterious anthropomorphic penguins, especially if it wears a rubber red glove to disguise itself as a chicken.

Of course, the moral of The Wrong Trousers is never trust mysterious anthropomorphic penguins, especially if it wears a rubber red glove to disguise itself as a chicken.

 

5. A Star Trek sand sculpture can go to where sand sculpture has never gone before.

Still, this doesn't stop Spock from thinking that sand artwork is highly illogical. Of course, he thinks a lot of things are illogical.

Still, this doesn’t stop Spock from thinking that sand artwork is highly illogical. Of course, he thinks a lot of things are illogical.

 

6. Go to the beach and see Batman fight the Hulk.

I don't know about you, but I don't think a fight between Batman and the Hulk would make an exciting movie. I mean I'm sure Batman would somehow end up in the ICU with a full body cast once the Hulk is done with him.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think a fight between Batman and the Hulk would make an exciting movie. I mean I’m sure Batman would somehow end up in the ICU with a full body cast once the Hulk is done with him.

 

7. We’ll always have a sand sculpture of Hollywood.

Of course, this is a sand sculpture of the climatic scene in Casablanca when Ilsa goes on that plane. Still, "Here's looking at you kid."

Of course, this is a sand sculpture of the climatic scene in Casablanca when Ilsa goes on that plane. Still, “Here’s looking at you kid.”

 

8. Yet, no sand sculpture gallery would be complete without a rendition of Herman Mellville’s Moby Dick.

Of course, this is the scene when Moby Dick takes down Captain Ahab which kind of serves the bastard right. After all, Moby Dick wasn't nearly as obsessed with meeting Ahab as Ahab was meeting him.

Of course, this is the scene when Moby Dick takes down Captain Ahab which kind of serves the bastard right. After all, Moby Dick wasn’t nearly as obsessed with meeting Ahab as Ahab was meeting him.

 

9. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you a sand sculpture of Captain Jack Sparrow.

Of course, contrary to the map, Jack Sparrow is a pirate from the Caribbean, not Boston. Yet, the artist did a hell of a job since it almost resembles the real thing.

Of course, contrary to the map, Jack Sparrow is a pirate from the Caribbean, not Boston. Yet, the artist did a hell of a job since it almost resembles the real thing.

 

10. I’m sure a giant Gollum still hasn’t gotten over losing his precious.

"We wants it. We needs it. We must have the precious." Still, very artistically done but might frighten the kids.

“We wants it. We needs it. We must have the precious.” Still, very artistically done but might frighten the kids.

 

11. See Leonardo Da Vinci draw his Virtruvian Man on the beach.

Of course, the reason we could tell it's Da Vinci and not an old man rising from the sand has more to do with the Virtruvian Man's inclusion.

Of course, the reason we could tell it’s Da Vinci and not an old man rising from the sand has more to do with the Virtruvian Man’s inclusion.

 

12. Of course, you have to include a sand sculpture of Darth Vader though he may be on the dark side of the Force.

Still, Darth Vader tends to be a popular subject among sand sculptors for some reason. Maybe it's due to him being such an iconic bad guy.

Still, Darth Vader tends to be a popular subject among sand sculptors for some reason. Maybe it’s due to him being such an iconic bad guy.

 

13. For you Canadians, here’s the sand sculpture for you.

Still, I'm not sure if a sand sculpture for Canada is appropriate since I'm sure the country isn't known for its beaches. I think a snow sculpture would be better.

Still, I’m not sure if a sand sculpture for Canada is appropriate since I’m sure the country isn’t known for its beaches. I think a snow sculpture would be more suitable.

 

14. Why make a sand castle when you can make a bunch of sand dinosaurs fighting each other?

Of course, I wouldn't let my kids anywhere near those Tyrannosaurs. Still, I'm sure letting your kids playing around dinosaurs isn't very responsible parental behavior even if T-rexes are awesome.

Of course, I wouldn’t let my kids anywhere near those Tyrannosaurs. Still, I’m sure letting your kids playing around dinosaurs isn’t very responsible parental behavior even if T-rexes are awesome.

 

15. See a rendition of George Washington crossing the Delaware.

Of course, I'm sure icy water is easier to navigate through than sand. Yet, I can see Lincoln in the background for some reason.

Of course, I’m sure icy water is easier to navigate through than sand. Yet, I can see Lincoln in the background for some reason.

 

16. See a sand sculpture involving a Pope and a winged lion.

Of course, I'm sure the Pope in the original picture just had himself put in a portrait with a winged lion to make himself seem more badass. At least I think the guy in the sculpture's a pope.

Of course, I’m sure the Pope in the original picture just had himself put in a portrait with a winged lion to make himself seem more badass. At least I think the guy in the sculpture’s a pope.

 

17. Here is a sand sculpture depicting the birth of Aphrodite rising from the sea in a clam shell.

That is, it's actually only one of the ways Aphrodite was born in Greek Mythology. Still, in this version of her birth, she didn't necessarily rise out of a clam shell. It actually out of another god's genitals cut off during a family dispute.

That is, it’s actually only one of the ways Aphrodite was born in Greek Mythology. Still, in this version of her birth, she didn’t necessarily rise out of a clam shell. It actually out of another god’s genitals cut off during a family dispute.

 

18. Dr. Sigmund Freud sometimes likes to psychoanalyze his patients at the beach.

Of course, what you don't want to hear from Dr. Freud are his psychological evaluations of Greek mythological characters. Please, don't ask.

Of course, what you don’t want to hear from Dr. Freud are his psychological evaluations of Greek mythological characters. Please, don’t ask.

 

19. Let’s see if this Lord of the Rings sand sculpture is the one to rule them all.

Of course,this sculpture only has Gollum, Gandalf, and Frodo Baggins since doing a sand sculpture of the Fellowship would've taken up the whole beach.

Of course,this sculpture only has Gollum, Gandalf, and Frodo Baggins since doing a sand sculpture of the Fellowship would’ve taken up the whole beach.

 

20. See a sand sculpture of Charlie Chaplin’s The Kid.

And here's Jackie Coogan playing the adorable little boy way before he played Uncle Fester in The Addams Family. Yes, Uncle Fester was once a cute little boy.

And here’s Jackie Coogan playing the adorable little boy way before he played Uncle Fester in The Addams Family. Yes, Uncle Fester was once a cute little boy.

 

21. Here’s a sand sculpture rendition of Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels.

Of course, many would be creeped out by the idea of being tied down on a beach by tiny people while sleeping.

Of course, many would be creeped out by the idea of being tied down on a beach by tiny people while sleeping. I mean this is what most people remember from those stories.

 

22. And now a sand sculpture of King Trident’s castle.

I don't know about you but I think Poseidon's domain was way cooler for some reason. Still, right on though.

I don’t know about you but I think Poseidon’s domain was way cooler for some reason. Still, right on though.

 

23. Why have a sand castle while you can create a sand dragon?

I'm sure the woman in the sculpture knows what I'm talking about. Though I'd be worry about her since dragons aren't really that nice.

I’m sure the woman in the sculpture knows what I’m talking about. Though I’d be worry about her since dragons aren’t really that nice.

 

24. Here is a sand sculpture of a Mesoamerican calendar.

Of course, I'm not sure if it's either Mayan or Aztec. Then again, it almost resembles what would be found at a real site.

Of course, I’m not sure if it’s either Mayan or Aztec. Then again, it almost resembles what would be found at a real site.

 

25. Of course, you can’t leave the beach until you’ve seen a sand sculpture depicting the Last Supper.

Still, despite being very close to the tide, this is actually quite good. Too bad it will be washed away though.

Still, despite being very close to the tide, this is actually quite good. Too bad it will be washed away though.

 

26. Here’s a sand sculpture rendition of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

The reason why I know this is because of Dobby's presence and Ron's broken wand. However, what I have to ask is where's Harry Potter in this?

The reason why I know this is because of Dobby’s presence and Ron’s broken wand. However, what I have to ask is where’s Harry Potter in this?

 

27. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present the sand sculpture rendition of the Taj Mahal.

Of course, if you see a rendition of the Taj Mahal, you'll get the idea of India. Yet, you need to hear the story behind it.

Of course, if you see a rendition of the Taj Mahal, you’ll get the idea of India. Yet, you need to hear the story behind it.

 

28. And here’s a sand sculpture tribute to Jurassic Park.

So the moral of this movie is that cloning dinosaurs for tourism is a very bad idea. Reason is demonstrated here.

So the moral of this movie is that cloning dinosaurs for tourism is a very bad idea. Reason is demonstrated here.

 

29. Now here’s a sand sculpture tribute to Noah’s Ark.

Of course if it weren't for the ark in the background, you would've assumed it was a take off on the creatures of Africa.

Of course if it weren’t for the ark in the background, you would’ve assumed it was a take off on the creatures of Africa.

 

30. Here is a sand sculpture of a Mesoamerican pyramid temple.

Of course, if you want to know if it's Mayan or Aztec, see who gets sacrificed there. Mayans take nobles while Aztecs take anyone they captured. Also, if it's a temple to Quetzalcoatl, no humans will be sacrificed there at all.

Of course, if you want to know if it’s Mayan or Aztec, see who gets sacrificed there. Mayans take nobles while Aztecs take anyone they captured. Also, if it’s a temple to Quetzalcoatl, no humans will be sacrificed there at all.

 

31. Now here is a giant sand sculpture of the Buddha.

Of course, I'm sure spending a lot of time creating this statue isn't really an enlightened activity to some people.

Of course, I’m sure spending a lot of time creating this statue isn’t really an enlightened activity to some people.

 

32. Here is a sandy rendition of the Syndey Opera House.

Of course, this is probably one of the more famous buildings in Australia if you know what I mean.

Of course, this is probably one of the more famous buildings in Australia if you know what I mean.

 

33. Finally, a sand sculpture tribute to the Harry Potter series.

At least this one has Harry and a lot of the major characters as well as Hogwarts itself. Then again, where's Dumbledore?

At least this one has Harry and a lot of the major characters as well as Hogwarts itself. Then again, where’s Dumbledore and Hagrid?

 

34. To remember our troops, here is a sand sculpture of the famous photo from Iwo Jima.

Of course, if you've seen Flags of Our Fathers, what happened to the guys in the photo wasn't pretty. This is particularly with Ira Hayes.

Of course, if you’ve seen Flags of Our Fathers, what happened to the guys in the photo wasn’t pretty. This is particularly with Ira Hayes.

 

35. Here’s a sand sculpture of a rock star having a good old time.

Nevertheless, the song he played was "Enter the Sandman." Get it?

Nevertheless, the song he played was “Enter the Sandman.” Get it?

 

36. A great sand sculpture dedication of Mount Rushmore.

Of course, it has the rare distinction of being one of America's most iconic monuments while still managing to offend the Native Americans living near it.

Of course, it has the rare distinction of being one of America’s most iconic monuments while still managing to offend the Native Americans living near it.

 

37. Here is a sand sculpture of Michelangelo’s Pieta.

Of course, it's not quite like the Michelangelo sculpture but it'll have to do for this beach. Also, pretty close to the tide.

Of course, it’s not quite like the Michelangelo sculpture but it’ll have to do for this beach. Also, pretty close to the tide.

 

38. And now, a sand sculpture rendition of the Great Sphnix.

Still, don't know whatever happened to his nose? Probably had something to do with erosion or something.

Still, don’t know whatever happened to his nose. Probably had something to do with erosion or something.

 

39. Here is a sand sculpture of Romeo and Juliet.

"Uh, Romeo, she's not dead honestly. And, Juliet, just wake up already before he poisons himself already!" Seriously how can we view two teenagers making such rash decisions due to raging hormones as romantic?

“Uh, Romeo, she’s not dead honestly. And, Juliet, just wake up already before he poisons himself already!” Seriously how can we view two teenagers making such rash decisions due to raging hormones as romantic?

 

40. Finally a sand monument to Walt and Mickey in sand.

On second thought, we have to accept that Walt Disney was kind of a scheming bastard while Mickey can be quite creepy.

On second thought, we have to accept that Walt Disney was kind of a scheming bastard while Mickey can be quite creepy.

 

41. And now to commemorate the Rio Olympics, here’s a sand sculpture of Rio de Janiero’s Christ the Redeemer.

Of course, I would've done this post during the World Cup but I was busy with other things at the time.

Of course, I would’ve done this post during the World Cup but I was busy with other things at the time.

 

42. Ladies and gentlemen,  I bring you the Beatles.

Paul: "What's the matter with him?" John: "Don't know. Probably come down with a bad case of Bieber Fever."

Paul: “What’s the matter with him?”
John: “Don’t know. Probably come down with a bad case of Bieber Fever.”

 

43. May I present to you, Harley Davidson’s wild hogs.

Having pigs on motorcycles is actually a clever idea. Of course, I hope they don't crash and end up crsipy bacon.

Having pigs on motorcycles is actually a clever idea. Of course, I hope they don’t crash, burn and end up crsipy bacon.

 

44. Of course, you have to have a sand sculpture of the Ten Commandments.

Of course, you can follow the Ten Commandments to the letter all your life and still be a shitty person. Also, I'm not posting this as a statement of religion. It's just for artistic merit. By the way, these aren't the Ten Commandments I learned in religion class anyway.

Of course, you can follow the Ten Commandments to the letter all your life and still be a shitty person. Also, I’m not posting this as a statement of religion. It’s just for artistic merit. By the way, these aren’t the Ten Commandments I learned in religion class anyway.

 

45. And now, a sand sculpture of the Greek gods on Mount Olympus.

Of course, in the world of mythology, this bunch is one of the most powerful jerks you'll ever meet.

Of course, in the world of mythology, this bunch is one of the most powerful jerks you’ll ever meet, especially Zeus. I mean most of the problems in Greek mythology are caused by Zeus not being able to keep it in his pants.

 

46. Of course, this castle has seen better days.

Yet, it's still much more amazing than a sand castle that I could ever build.

Yet, it’s still much more amazing than a sand castle that I could ever build.

 

47. There once was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

Of course, contrary to the nursery rhyme all her children had gone by now. And she's basically living in it with her cat.

Of course, contrary to the nursery rhyme all her children had gone by now. And she’s basically living in it with her cat.

 

48. Man, I wonder if there could be a place like this in real life.

Nevertheless, this sand sculpture design is rather impressive.

Nevertheless, this sand sculpture design is rather impressive. I sure couldn’t do that.

 

49. And now a sand sculpture of Marilyn Monroe from The Seven Year Itch.

Of course, this image was on a lot young men's bedroom walls in the 1950s, though considered risque at the time.

Of course, this image was on a lot young men’s bedroom walls in the 1950s, though considered risque at the time.

 

50. Finally, a sand sculpture of the Statue of Liberty.

She seems more lively than the real thing in New York Harbor. Then again, she doesn't get much leeway in metal though.

She seems more lively than the real thing in New York Harbor. Then again, she doesn’t get much leeway in metal though.