NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition) (Fifth Edition)

the-elf-on-the-shelf-ideas

Over the years, I have done posts showing parents the multiple ways Elves on the Shelves have been quite naughty behind closed doors. Indeed, every year during the Christmas season, Santa sends these red-clad spies to look into whether children are good enough to receive presents. Yet, this doesn’t mean the elves will be good themselves when nobody’s looking. I’ve often seen looking for incidents of elves behaving badly on the internet. And let’s just say a lot of these images aren’t suitable for an innocent child’s eyes. Nonetheless, parents have the responsibility on keeping an eye on the household Elf on the Shelf and report any shenanigans to Santa at 1-800-BAD-ELF1. In the meantime, feel free to look at another assortment of Elves on the Shelves behaving very naughty. By the way, many of these images are unsafe for work and aren’t for kids, naturally.

  1. Dinkler has a confession to make.
@EvilJoySpeaks-on-@ElfShaming-ElfOnTheShelf-BadElf

Man, that elf is quite devious. Wonder if he was planning to sell these drugs. Then that makes me ponder what Santa’s paying these guys.

2. Grinley is all dressed in black.

0f8d52f83e9111e2b23022000a1f9ad5_6

Is he planning to rob something? Or is he dressed up as a ninja? Don’t have a great feeling about either scenario.

3. What the hell is Oliver doing with that contraption?

01-elf-vibe

Well, I’m not sure what that thing is. But Oliver seems to use it as a vibrator, apparently. So it’s kind of disturbing.

4. Cringle had to come back for Walking Dead night.

2bccf47ff53d9a58622744611aafa8c7

Here he is among the undead. Makes me wonder how he can last before a zombie bites him.

5. “Hello, Clarice.”

2ee4f986df0c05d8daf210225df97b53

Seriously, you don’t want to go near Quincy. For he has a ravenous appetite for human flesh.

6. Twinkie likes to do target practice in his spare time.

3f3100ef2e41214ef2d5615cd2981d70--hunting-birds

Are those dead birds? Looks like it. So how did they get inside in the first place?

7. Rump promises to make Christmas great again.

10b8d46797d1e0126ac384ae2e9dbd35

Though he may not be as scary as Donald Trump, he’s certainly terrifying with his spray tan and horrendous toupee. If your kid has him for their Elf on the Shelf, they’re totally screwed.

8. Rumpy wants to build a wall at the US-Mexico border.

014d08e649e6c076771c4a33a368580c

Sorry, but that wall won’t keep undocumented immigrants out of the US anymore than a life-sized version at the border which would be a massive waste of money.

9. What’s bursting from Elliot’s chest?

87d

Oh, God, that’s a xenomorph! Get out of the house and get Ellen Ripley on Line 1.

10. Norman likes to doodle in his spare time.

DRU8rapWkAE7HWR.jpg

Is that what I think it is? And I thought graffiti was bad.

11. Got something to say, Rennie?

79755fe54bea35888bed416fef94f78b

Is he dressed up as Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs? Indeed, he must be a very sick bastard.

12. Danny wants you to know that Winter is coming.

c60c39b9ea31010ea29b70dd207210c1--winter-is-coming-game-of

This is straight from Game of Thrones. And the marshmallow snow figures don’t seem happy about it.

13. Jingler has Woody all tied up at the moment.

204763_4977589845425_769678343_o

And I don’t think this constitutes in kinky stuff. Yet, Woody doesn’t seem to mind, disturbingly.

14. Calvin and the dolls are in for a wild ride.

236137cbc2376940665f9a01ddae0341

Are they all in the dryer? This won’t turn out well.

15. Snowball has really gone downhill lately.

432185_219648631503442_1015463156_n

He seems passed out on booze and pills. Guess someone’s going to rehab after the holiday season. If the North Pole features a rehab center.

16. Plinko always likes to browse the web.

1171861_669981146375459_1267214911_n

Hey, at least he’s not looking at porn. Rather, he seems turned on by gorgeous women in sexy Christmas costumes.

17. Wendell and his doll don’t care about the rules.

1172151_751094358252491_1562224285_n

The sign says: No Horseplay in Hot Tub. Yet, they don’t seem to listen. Though the tub is a glass bowl with marshmallows inside.

18. Tinker is the only player with his clothes on in this strip poker game.

4781723D00000578-5202957-image-a-48_1513875047303

Then again, his clothes are basically sewn onto him. That can’t be said for these dolls.

19. Perry has a knack with a sharpie.

11369864465_1c55f6a77e_o

Here he’s put mustaches on the whole family. I know he’s not respecting his welcome to the Hendersons’ home.

20. At least Petey tries to play it safe.

4781721100000578-5202957-image-a-46_1513875037904

Yet, that doesn’t excuse him from doing a 3 way with a couple of Barbies in a stocking. Also, what are those nooky pills?

21. “Take that, Ken Doll!”

a9ebc4bce313ef070957b9faaaaf1af1

Man, Winkle’s really going to town with him. Hope he doesn’t hurt any onlooking Smurfs.

22. Clinker has a profound confession to make.

a50ed6091431958718faea10a15c43b2--naughty-elf-elf-on-shelf

So kids can’t touch him due to a court order. If that’s the case, he shouldn’t be an elf on the shelf, period.

23. Daenys is the Mother of Reindeer.

a10150dbd7d99d7a0289256538476a22

This is a takeoff on Game of Thrones. She’s supposed to be Daenyrs Targaryen who keeps dragons. Yet, the antlers seem to blaze fire for some reason.

24. Tina wants to try on a new face.

1389981_553593671394758_1737249376_n

Yet, that face seems to come from a Mr. Potatohead Santa. And the spud is certainly not pleased.

25. “Congratulations, it’s a reindeer.”

AreYouMyDaddyElf

Look, I have no idea how this is possible. So don’t ask me to explain. Seriously, this is really fucked up.

26. Chinker wants to show that Elf Lives Matter.

b42b637335184d8288a16482338bf0df--elf

Yet, I don’t know whether this policeman is convinced. Though in his defense, the elf is pretty creepy.

27. “This house isn’t big enough for both of us elves.”

b85

So Rinko has to put Gregor Elf into a candy dish. Man, that’s so cold with the “It’s easier if you don’t struggle.”

28. Crumpet has a lot of explaining to do.

bad-naughty-elf

Apparently, he’s confessing to running a young girl’s innocence with Princess Jasmine. Guess he doesn’t know the meaning of discretion.

29. Belle’s been distraught over the Beast and Dinkie.

belle_beast

I know it’s so wrong on so many levels. And unlike Belle, I can’t bring myself to look away.

30. Apparently, Brumpet has a bit of a drinking problem.

Boozy-Elf

Perhaps he might want to lay off the wine. I know that spying for Santa is quite a stressful job as it is.

31. Beware of Wembley when he’s in one of his moods.

CVmE1MbW4AEWSMT

This is a takeoff on the Saw series which I’m not very familiar with. Yet, you don’t want to see an Elf on the Shelf wielding a bloody ax.

32. Jack Sparrow Elf can’t resist his Southern Comfort.

dec12elf

Though you’d think he’d be more of a fan of Bacardi or Captain Morgan. Still, the Jack Sparrow get up is spot on.

33. Freddy wants to try his talent in the kitchen.

DSC_0288-1-1

Yet, he seems to enjoy hanging around hte knives for some reason. And no, the sharp end shouldn’t stick out like that.

34. Starky wants everyone to know that Christmas is coming.

e0e313dc669ff3296291bef8c3f52144

Indeed, another parody of Game of Thrones. Like how the iron throne is made out of cutlery.

35. Seems like these 4 elves really let themselves go.

elf

This is a spoof on Duck Dynasty. And yes, it’s kind of strange to see these elves in long beards.

36. Grigsby doesn’t mind losing his head over anything.

elf_shelf

Yet, he seemed to spill blood upon decapitation. Still, the smile remains.

37. Roddy loves enjoying company now and then.

elfdrinking

Here he is wearing chains with 2 Barbies and a bottle of Smirnoff. Elf thinks he’s gangster doesn’t he?

38. Apparently, Elmer doesn’t have good taste in TV.

elf-watches-the-housewives

Well, maybe he’s homesick for the North Pole. Still, there must be better things to watch than The Real Housewives.

39. “Say your prayers, Blinko!”

ElfWinner

Apparently, these figures had put up with his shit way too long. But could you hardly blame them?

40. Frankie loves the gangster life.

enhanced-buzz-4228-1417555388-8

Wonder what the hell he’s doing with the British Queen. Still, those who live the gangster life usually go down to a violent end.

41. Trinkler just wants to tinker with the baby’s car seat.

enhanced-buzz-26892-1417572654-18

However, I wouldn’t want to put him in the same car as the baby. Since he seems bent on sabotage.

42. What’s Elver and the Abominable Snowman doing in the toilet?

f6873d81-44c2-464d-a515-f94726afeb1e

Yet, the yeti spreads Elver’s leg over the bowl for some reason. And I really don’t want to know why.

43. Don’t worry about Axel. He won’t harm anyone anymore.

FXO3VHi

Seems like he killed an alien, Ham, and a couple Ninja Turtles. Thank God Dexter took care of him when he did.

44. Nicky wants you to put your furs on since winter is coming.

game-of-thrones-elf-on-the-shelf

Indeed, this is another takeoff on Game of Thrones. Though the fur doesn’t seem like anything you’d find in Westeros.

45. “Decorate your Christmas tree with this!”

Grinch-Elf-630x472

Here Quinkles smashes a bauble like it can’t be easily replaced. But it can since you can find them at almost any store this time of year.

46. Flicker appears like he’s out for blood.

hqdefaultQ0B6GH8A

Seeing he’s got fangs, you’d take him for some elf vampire. If he’s in your house, keep him away from your kids.

47. Dingle has been sentenced to death by firing squad.

IMG_0211

Here he’s bound and blinded with plastic wrap. As plastic army men are commissioned to do the grisly deed.

48. Somehow Stevie got into some dirty laundry.

IMG_0555

Seems like he’s sniggering over what he’s seen among hte clothes. If you want to kill him with fire, be my guest.

49. Looks like Marvin’s ingratiating himself well among the toys.

IMG_1722

Yet, they seem to play cards with bottles of booze beside them. I’m sure they’re gambling as well.

50. Flinker is desperate for fast cash these days.

money

So he’s resorting to raiding Travis’ dino bank. You’d think an elf wouldn’t sink so low to steal money from a child.

51. Gary should know better than get between 2 witches.

elf-on-the-shelf-wicked-1024x629

Because a love triangle involving witches won’t end well. Gary should be lucky he’s not turned into a toad by this point.

52. Gringy has a penchant for some crazy pranks that go too far.

naughty-elf-shelf-20-630x840

He’s written “Redrum” on the mirror with lipstick. Cue the family freak out a few minutes later.

53. Ringer wants these tampons to smell better.

Noels-Tampax-Peppermint

Yet, putting candy canes into tampons doesn’t help. Seriously, it’s a very terrible idea for so many reasons.

54. Lexo is always fond of animals.

orgyelf

Is he humping that dog? And what are the plushies doing in front of the elf? Okay, I really don’t want to know.

55. “Draw me like one of your French girls.”

ph2i8pnxj42qbwe

This is straight from Titanic as you can see. But Alvie relishes in drawing nudes.

56. Dare to come under the sidewalk.

phozah9m042qbwe

This is from IT by the way. Yet, seeing Rinty and the creepy kid, I’ll take my chances with Pennywise.

57. Pinny is watching you.

phvexh3ls02qbwe

This is an Elf on the Shelf as Pennywise the Clown. And yes, he’s quite terrifying to incite nightmares.

58. Tinkle always likes to try new things.

Screen-Shot-2013-12-22-at-7.39.44-AM

So it’s supposed to be like they’re lighting his farts. Let’s hope he doesn’t eat anything from Taco Bell during the month of December.

59. Clickel knows how to make an entrance on his makeshift sleigh.

slide_388476_4683778_compressed

This mostly consists of a Coors Light box and beer bottle reindeer. So it’s not a wholesome Christmas image meant for a postcard.

60. Chris can’t go back to the North Pole without a souvenir.

slide_388476_4683822_compressed

Here he seems to get Mrs. Malmsey’s bra. What a dirty elf to come into her house.

61. Jimmy wants to know what’s under the caroler’s skirt.

slide_388476_4698914_compressed

The caroler even carries an expression of shock. Apparently, this elf has his mind in the gutter when it comes to dolls.

62. Denny knows how to communicate with those trapped in the Upside Down.

stranger-things-by-june-bug-photography-mill-creek-newborn-photography(pp_w768_h512)

This is a takeoff from Stranger Things. Remember when Will’s mom came up with this display to communicate with him?

63. Yulie has been left to the dinosaurs.

tied up

He’s tied up to make a meal out of the dinosaurs. Hope he enjoys this small toy version of Jurassic Park.

64. Tony always needs to get his hit now and then.

TonyMontanaElf

In true Scarface fashion, here he is about to sniff some coke while he’s holding a weapon. Don’t mention the mustache and gold chain.

65. I wouldn’t go near Lexie if I were you, Blinkerbells.

untitled

She’s been somewhat pale lately. Like she’s an undead zombie who’d infect you with her bite.

66. Tiller prefers to do what he likes on his ride.

DSC_1839-600x366

Apparently, he’d rather make love to a Barbie against a green screen. Not the safest thing to do on the road.

67. You can’t put Elmie down the drain.

ac73669fab36f192c9380fc0ffd88f50

Sure you might have blood everywhere in your kitchen sink. But the elf will always rise again. Terrifying.

68. Santa knows when you’re sleeping. Vinnie knows when you’ll never wake up.

elf-4

Because if he could get away with it, he’ll try to kill you in your sleep. Sweet dreams.

69. Finley hasn’t been himself lately.

b5de9dd48153fe83207d031fcad849c2--dead-zombie-the-walking-dead

Yeah, he’s kind of been eating the dolls as you can see. Also, he’s been a zombie for awhile. So it’s best to kill him with fire.

70. “Ready, aim, fire.”

34-1

Lingle doesn’t like other elves in his premises. So he uses them as target practice. I know he needs to be put away somewhere. But I don’t know the jail situation in the North Pole.

71. Twinkletoes knows what’s pleasing to his eyes.

elf-shelf-robinwood_0271

Here we got him admiring Barbie’s tramp stamp under the Christmas tree. Indeed, he’s quite naughty, isn’t he?

72. Dinkledums wants to show the kids something.

evilelf1

Uh, I don’t think the kids want to see a dead body. Seriously, they don’t want to do that during the holidays.

73. Turns out Teddy bit off more than he can chew.

04b177ee8e72081c8399261ab04e28dc--happy-elf-on-the-shelf

Now he’s floating in the toilet. It’s going to be a very icky job getting him out of there.

74. “Say goodbye, baby doll.”

baby

I’m sure Hinkle will add some fava beans to the baby stew. God, he’s a very sick elf, indeed. Kill him. Kill him with fire.

75. Dinny just wants you to leave the scissors on the table.

6d2ea6ee76bdabe54c95e9ebd753dace--shelf-elf-elf-on-the-shelf

Yet, he likes to watch you sleeping. So it’s best if you don’t trust him with sharp objects.

76. Look at what the Grinch has in his jar.

grinch-elf-on-a-shelf

Seems like he’s going to keep Yinkler in this mason jar for quite some time. And I wouldn’t blame the Grinch doing so.

77. Dinko won’t be deterred by the Grinch.

index.jpeg

Here he is tying the Grinch up and standing on it like he’s his trophy. My condolences to the Grinch.

78. Sly and Sleigh Bell always know how to have fun.

funny-elf-on-the-shelf-3

Wait, they’re lighting each other’s farts. Seriously, this is a dangerous activity, especially during the holiday season.

79. Don’t look behind the shower curtain.

03bdb82bcb7ca45929328842e0b659b8

Because Slinker is inside wielding a knife. Kill him with fire, please.

80. “Any last words, Elmo?”

606985092488792f85e515ab83c5eeb9--dark-halloween

Apparently, Elmo doesn’t seem to have much to say. Though you can see him screaming as Buddy points a big ass knife at him.

Advertisements

NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition) (Fourth Edition)

elf-on-the-shelf-a-christmas-tradition-light-girl-scout-elf_6267818

As we head into the Christmas season, children everywhere will be under Santa’s North Pole surveillance program by sending a little visitor to make sure they’re good enough for Christmas presents. The fact this cherubic elf is incredibly creepy is indisputable. However, what you may not know is that these elves on the shelves have a rather dark side. When you’re not looking, these terrifying elves can do rather unspeakable acts. After all, the elves can only “move” whenever the family is asleep or away from home. So you never know what your elf on the shelf might be up to during those unsupervised hours. Therefore, since so many elves on the shelves don’t conform to behavioral standards behind closed doors, I suggest that parents keep a good eye on their resident Elf on the Shelf and report any shenanigans to Santa at 1-800-555-BAD-ELF1. In the meantime, take some time to look at another assortment of Elves on the Shelves who belong on Santa’s “naughty list.” By the way, most of these pictures aren’t for kids or are safe for work.

  1. Looks like Ken and Blinky have something special for Barbie this year.

Guess this is based on “Dick in a Box.” Yeah, we know what’s in those gifts.

2. What the hell is Crinkle doing with that dog?

Seems like he has a pair of pliers. Okay, maybe I really don’t want to know here.

3. Once in awhile, Dangles likes to blow off steam.

He’s quite the sharpshooter. He could take down a bunch of birds all by himself.

4. “Say your prayers, Elmo.”

And we know Rinkly means business. So Elmo better give him what he wants or he’s history.

5. The Lego minifigs had enough with Buddy.

Though could you really blame them? We all know Buddy is a menace.

6. Nothing to see here but Bronco Billy and Plinko in a tent.

Bet this is a take off on Brokeback Mountain. Though whatever happens on the trail doesn’t always stay there.

7. Flicker just has to get a huff from the Elmer’s.

Yes, Flicker just needs whiff of the old school glue. Shame that Frosty hasn’t staged an intervention.

8. Flingle wants you to see his Budweiser sleigh.

Well, at least it’s quite Christmasy if you think about it. Still, this isn’t a family friendly Christmas display. Unless you’re a redneck of course. Though this might be an exception than the rule.

9. Seems like toys like to have their own fun once in awhile.

No, Glinkle! Can’t you see Barbie’s wasted? That date rape territory! Jesus!

1o. You might want to watch what’s in your kitchen.

He’s in the spatula jar isn’t he? I have a really bad feeling about this guy.

11. Dinkle Does was just doing some doodles.

Though I’m sure that doesn’t seem to reflect well on the kid. Yet, the kid seems quite young. Still, let’s just call it plain vandalism.

12. Apparently, Ken just went to far pissing off Vinkly.

So Vinkly chopped his head and put it in the tub. Though the whole scene was a mess. Yes, Vinkly is a sick bastard.

13. Once you go with Elf on the Shelf, you may never get rid of him.

And let’s just say, Ollie means business. Seriously, you better let him in before he kills you and your family.

14. Seems like Baxter has really made a mess on Sleigh Bell.

Okay, is that what I think it is? All right, kids, nothing to see here. You’ll know what’s going on here when you’re older.

15. Wonder why Tinklo’s wearing the bow on his, oh, never mind.

Is this a sex thing? Because if it is, I really don’t want to know. Still, I’m sure Elves on the Shelves must have their own “needs.”

16. Let’s hope that gun’s not loaded.

Otherwise, Tillo will cause some sort of “accident.” Let’s hope nobody’s home if that happens.

17. “Any last words, Woody?”

Oh, no, Gringlo’s got Woody tied up and is dragging him blindfold. Jesus Christ!

18. Sometimes Hank just wants to sit back and relax to a magazine.

I’m sure he only reads Playboy for the articles. Okay, maybe not.

19. Dinkle always goes for a Cold 45.

I guess this is a takeoff of the Billy Dee Williams Colt 45 ads. And yes, Dinkle is dressed as a pimp.

20. Behold, the Elvish Centipede.

Yes, this is horrifying. Well, it’s kind of supposed to be. After all, it’s a takeoff on The Human Centipede.

21. Inky just wants to make a late night visit.

Though the fact he left a rose at the windowsill might mean he’s creeping around. Sorry, but I don’t think she’s interested.

22. You don’t want to see Gumble when he’s drunk on gin.

He has an exactor knife in one hand and a gun in the other. And yes, he intends to use both.

23. Even Chuckie is scared of Elf on the Shelf.

Yes, Chuckie, we all know the Elf on the Shelf is a creepy as hell. But it’s remarkable for you since you’re straight out of a horror movie.

24. Bumble always likes to film dolls in the shower.

Sure she might be in towels. But Bumble is a very patient elf. Unless the doll shoos him out of the bathroom.

25. Best not to let Wilco in the kids’ rooms during the night.

Looks like he painted a little girl’s face. And I be he’ll blame that on her siblings if she has any.

26. “Perhaps you might want to try this.”

That’s a pregnancy test. Also, can toys really get pregnant? And is that elf the father?

27. Apparently, Paulie messed with the wrong swordfighter.

And there he lies in a chalk outline on a tiled floor. Though to be fair, the sword seemed kind of on the heavy side for him.

28. Oh, no! Snowball’s tied up Barbie on the train tracks!

Apparently, Barbie must’ve pissed him off somehow. But will someone come the rescue? Or will Barbie come to a horrendous death on the rails?

29. Apparently, Barbie and Clinker decided to tie the knot.

Though Clinker seems to take marriage as a ball and chain. I don’t see this lasting more than 5 years.

30. “Draw me like one of your French girls.”

Sure it’s a spoof off of a key scene in Titanic. But unlike Leonardo DiCaprio, Tinkler looks more like a creep.

31. Seems like Blinkle has written us a song.

Okay, maybe I don’t want to know what the song’s about. Since it doesn’t end well.

32. Once in awhile, Kringle pays a visit to Santa.

Well, that’s very disturbing. No, please don’t sit on Santa that way. Please.

33. “Quick put him in while he’s still tied up.”

Because since Jingler has been such a creep, Beetlejuice and Pee Wee Herman put him in the wood stove. I’m sure he won’t escape once the metal door shuts.

34. Looks like Ginger has gotten herself in a serious accident.

I’m sure she was warned about skiing down the high rise. But she didn’t listen.

35. Vincent Price isn’t pleased with Nibbler.

So he put that good for nothing elf in a pumpkin bin. Serves Nibbler right.

36. Apparently, Santa doesn’t pay his elves well at the North Pole.

So Quigley decided to turn to prostitution. Sure he may not be gay, but $20 is $20.

37. No, Jingles, you don’t draw on the baby.

But Jingles don’t care. Because like the honey badger, he don’t give a shit. Also, who’s Jordan?

38. “Now they will never find the body here.”

I’m sure they’ll find who Sparky killed in the cat’s litter box. Only takes a matter of time.

39. “Tonight’s special is Rudolph on the rotisserie.”

Poor Rudolph. I’m sure he never deserved to be reduced to venison. Tingler is a sick bastard.

40. Ingler can’t resist the sugar.

Yeah, he knows he has a substance abuse problem. But sometimes he has to satisfy his fix.

41. In this week’s TIME issue: Are You Elf Enough?

This is a parody of that one TIME cover with a woman who breastfed her son for far too long. But yes, it’s just as unsettling.

42. Even the hotdogs don’t like seeing Jimble on a bun.

Okay, that’s kind of weird. But the hotdog people is nevertheless a creative touch.

43. “The Parnells won’t know what got them.”

And with that, Wingler injected poison into the turkey. All the Parnells ended up in the hospital that very night.

44. “I’m just doing drug research, seriously.”

So why Flingle lives is a box is beyond me. By the way, I doubt if he’d use the cocaine for “research.” He has a problem.

45. Riggle has something to say for Christmas.

I’m sure such sentiment will put that elf on the naughty list. Because being evil is bad.

46. Oh, no, Pinky’s caused a train wreck.

And there we have Thomas the Tank Engine in flames. I’m sure Pinky’s maliciously cackling by now.

47. Charlie doesn’t care what you think about him.

This is supposed to be an Elf on the Shelf version of Charlie Sheen. And let’s just say he’s got a self-destructive side.

48. Seems like Ralphie’s taking this 50 Shades of Grey thing too far.

And apparently, he’s doing a few tricks to Barbie. Barbie, get the hell out of there! He’s abusing you!

49. Sometimes Linker likes to sit back and go fishing.

Uh, Linker, I think pet fish are off limits. Seriously, you don’t want to upset the kids.

50. Looks like Quizler’s gone online.

I see he’s looking at porn, right? I’m sure Susie’s parents won’t be happy about this.

51. Elker needs to satisfy his dark passenger.

I know this is another Dexter Elf on the Shelf. But this one has plenty of Christmas imagery. Besides, Elker needs Ken to pay.

52. “Wanna light?”

I don’t think you’re allowed to smoke here. Besides, secondhand smoke kills people, too.

53. Sometimes when you have to go, you gotta go.

And it seems he’s taking to bottles. Still, how much does he drink. He’s peeing like a storm here.

54. Oh, look, Hinky’s playing Scrabble with the cat.

And I see things have gotten scatological. Also, how can a cat learn to play Scrabble?

55. Best we not disturb Yodler here.

Don’t be ashamed. Everyone goes to the bathroom. Maybe best to shut the door.

56. Rex has had it with Pringles.

Okay, I can’t really blame Rex here. After all, the whole Elf on the Shelf thing is just creepy.

57. Looks like Wyatt really likes to doodle.

Yet, it seems like he’s put his own spin on the parents’ wedding picture. Boy, he sure doesn’t care for them.

58. “Sorry, Chuckles, but this place isn’t big enough for the both of us.”

Though I’m not sure if Zlinky has done a service or not. After all, clowns are pretty scary in the moonlight.

59. Oh, no, what has Clingo done to Fluffy?

I guess Fluffy’s in the microwave. Oh, my God, please let me be wrong.

60. Minky has a message for Santa.

And it seems like he wrote all that graffiti on the bathroom wall. Let’s hope he didn’t do it with a Sharpie.

61. Dazzler must’ve received a special award that’s just arrived.

That’s the legendary leg lamp from Christmas Story. I know it’s in poor taste, but that lamp has become a popular Christmas decoration since.

62. Elser loves to make it rain.

And he appears to wipe the Micklesons out at the bank. Bet they’re dreading their credit card bills.

63. Reggie sometimes likes to soak in the hot tub.

And here he’s with a couple of Barbies. Yes, you have a lot of perverted elves out there.

64. If you think these elves were bad in your house, just look what they do to each other.

Yes, these elves are all tied to a ceiling fan. And yes, it looks straight out of a horror movie.

65. Hinkler has developed an interest in pottery.

Okay, this makes the famous Ghost scene more terrifying. Don’t like how Hinkler’s looking over the Barbie’s shoulder.

66. Looks like Ike’s gone all Norman Bates.

Yes, he’s quite the Psycho all right. You can see the blood everywhere on this bathroom.

67. Seems like Flister wants something.

Oh, I see. Well, I guess these elves have “needs.” But still, I hope he doesn’t ring for it.

68. “Prepare to die, Kenny Boy.”

Yes, I have another Dexter one. But still, you can’t really get enough of these.

69. What does Glinger have with him?

Is that Santa’s head? Oh, Jesus Christ! And I thought Elves were supposed to be Santa’s trusted lieutenants.

70. What the hell has happened to Quincy?

Is he supposed to be a kidnap victim? Then again, it’s not like I’d pay the ransom on him.

71. Dashy knows his way around a car.

He says he fixed the brakes. But he’s wielding a pair of pliers. That can’t be good. So best not use your car until you talk to your mechanic.

72. The Lego minifigs have made their stand clear.

And they Spinkler tied up where they want him. Still, I can’t blame these guys for doing so.

73. Okay, what did Dinkybins do to the Furby?

Oh, he removed the batteries because he wouldn’t shut up. Wonder why.

74. “Open Gangelf Style.”

It’s a take off of “Gangnam Style.” Let’s just say it’s a Korean music video that went viral worldwide and leave it at that.

75. Oh, no, what’s Quinkler doing to Frosty the Snowman?

He’s putting Frosty into the combine! Please, somebody make him stop! I can’t watch.

76. No, Derek, you weren’t supposed to see that.

Apparently, the elf caught the parents having sex. Yes, it’s as horrifying as it sounds.

77. Seems like Flisher needs to find where this minifig needs to go.

That’s supposed to be Alan from The Hangover. You know the guy who basically screws everything up in those movies.

78. At least Batman and Superman can agree on something.

They may disagree with each other. But both Batman and Superman believe that Silco must go for the good of the Sirica house.

79. Daniel Day Elf is sure in an emancipatory mood.

Of course, we all know what happened to Lincoln. Nevertheless, this is pretty funny.

80. What’s Vinky doing with the scissors?

Don’t tell me he’s cutting off the mattress tag. They always instruct owners not to remove them for a reason.

 

NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition) (Third Edition)

elf

Parents, it’s that time of year again when Santa sends his little visitor to your children’s home in order to monitor their behavior to make sure they’re good enough for Christmas presents when the big guy visits himself. Yet, be warned that these creepy sprites tend to act very badly when nobody’s looking. And I mean badly in terms of they do stuff that you wouldn’t even dare mention to your little ones. Sure I’ve done an Elf on the Shelf post 2 years in a row, and believe me, there is a lot of crazy shit your family elf can do. After all, an elf can only “move” whenever residents are asleep or away from home, so hours of no supervision can really get to your elf’s head. And since so many elves in so many houses don’t adhere to behavioral standards, I highly suggest parents need to keep an eye on their resident Elf on the Shelf and report professional misconduct on the Internet with aid of a camera. So when you see your resident elf behaving inappropriately, take a picture, show it on the Internet to let your friends know, and call this hotline to report it to Santa at 1-800-555-BAD-ELF1. And now for your reading pleasure, I give you even more instances of Elves on the Shelves that squarely belong on Santa’s “naughty list.” Warning: most of the pictures aren’t for kids and aren’t safe for work.

  1. Oh, no, what the hell happened to Gristlecrumbs?
Okay, so the dogs at him for being creepy. Sure it was a very naughty thing but I couldn't blame them.

Okay, so the dogs at him for being creepy. Sure it was a very naughty thing but I couldn’t blame them.

2. Nice to see Frickles being informed about current events.

Did he just take a dump in that wine glass? Shouldn't he go somewhere else like an elf toilet?

Did he just take a dump in that wine glass? Shouldn’t he go somewhere else like an elf toilet?

3. For Blinkyskins, fat bottomed girls make the rockin’ world go round.

"Are you gonna take me home tonight ?/Ah down beside that red firelight/Are you gonna let it all hang out ?/Fat bottomed girls/You make the rockin' world go round"

“Are you gonna take me home tonight ?/Ah down beside that red firelight/Are you gonna let it all hang out ?/Fat bottomed girls/You make the rockin’ world go round”

4. Noel would like to say something for the Ferguson family.

Hey, Noel, nice you can remind us why you're late and all. But please, not in front of the kids.

Hey, Noel, nice you can remind us why you’re late and all. But please, not in front of the kids.

5. Seems like Dinkler has a message for the Granger family.

Okay, is that "murder." Jesus Christ, God help this family. Because Dinkler may be on the homicidal side.

Okay, is that “murder.” Jesus Christ, God help this family. Because Dinkler may be on the homicidal side.

6. Jingle Bell is enjoying a nice quiet movie night with Ken.

Okay, I don't think Barbie will like this. But Jingle Bell doesn't seem to care one bit.

Okay, I don’t think Barbie will like this. But Jingle Bell doesn’t seem to care one bit.

7. No, Blinkle, you don’t light Max on fire!

Yet, he could just as well be trying to light his farts. Either way, this really doesn't bode well for him.

Yet, he could just as well be trying to light his farts. Either way, this really doesn’t bode well for him.

8. “I have you now, Rudolph!”

No, Crumby, you don't pull a knife on Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Hell, you don't pull a knife on anybody.

No, Crumby, you don’t pull a knife on Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Hell, you don’t pull a knife on anybody.

9. “So, ladies, how do we proceed from here?”

Think Freckles has a very dirty mind and a bit of a smoking habit. Clearly, he's not fit to monitor the Westover kids.

Think Freckles has a very dirty mind and a bit of a smoking habit. Clearly, he’s not fit to monitor the Westover kids at this point.

10. Looks like Grimler got into Daddy’s secret drawer.

Did he just get into Daddy's condoms and lube? No, I don't think that plastic thing is a hat, Grimler.

Did he just get into Daddy’s condoms and lube? No, I don’t think that plastic thing is a hat, Grimler.

11. Pinkleskins, how dare you dress like Miley Cyrus at the VMAs.

Apparently, he thought Miley's VMA performance in 2013 was worth remembering. He is sorely mistaken.

Apparently, he thought Miley’s VMA performance in 2013 was worth remembering. He is sorely mistaken.

12. Seems like some of Andy’s toys have taken quite well to Minter.

Is Minter drinking and playing poker with Woody, Buzz, and Rex? Jesus, now my childhood is ruined.

Is Minter drinking and playing poker with Woody, Buzz, and Rex? Jesus, now my childhood is ruined.

13. Seems like someone really wants Tinkleskins to stick it.

But did they really have to decapitate a My Little Pony? That's just fucked up.

But did they really have to decapitate a My Little Pony? That’s just a fucked up way to make an offer he can’t refuse.

14. What did Quinty get himself tied up in this time?

I don't know about you. But if he got this way through BDSM, he's going be in big trouble after Christmas.

I don’t know about you. But if he got this way through BDSM, he’s going be in big trouble after Christmas.

15. Oh, my God, not you, too Wrinklebrush!

What's with the Miley Cyrus routine? Then again, seems like the plushies like it which is disturbing.

What’s with the Miley Cyrus routine? Then again, seems like the plushies like it which is disturbing.

16. No, Hinkly, Mr. Ruskin will not like you getting into his wallet.

Boy, is he going to be in for a world of trouble when Mr. Ruskin gets home. Hinkly ought to be ashamed of himself.

Boy, is he going to be in for a world of trouble when Mr. Ruskin gets home. Hinkly ought to be ashamed of himself.

17. “Say your prayers for stealing Christmas, Grinch!”

Dankles, just because the Grinch doesn't like Christmas doesn't mean you could kill him! And a la Dexter on top of presents? That's fucked up!

Dankles, just because the Grinch doesn’t like Christmas doesn’t mean you could kill him! And a la Dexter on top of presents? That’s fucked up!

18. Looks like Clinky has taken some time off at the North Pole.

What the hell is he doing to Santa? Why the hell is the Abominable Snowman taking pictures? This is messed up on so many levels.

What the hell is he doing to Santa? Why the hell is the Abominable Snowman taking pictures? This is messed up on so many levels.

19. Elfie wants to tell Santa to stick it on Christmas Eve.

Seems like Santa doesn't treat his Elves on the Shelves too well. That or Elfie is such a prick. I don't know how workplace relations are at the North Pole.

Seems like Santa doesn’t treat his Elves on the Shelves too well. That or Elfie is such a prick. I don’t know how workplace relations are at the North Pole.

20. Seems like the Vitales couldn’t handle any more of Winkleross’s insane antics.

Guess this what happens to an Elf on the Shelf if they've behaved really naughty during the Christmas season. Guess it was for the best.

Guess this what happens to an Elf on the Shelf if they’ve behaved really naughty during the Christmas season. Perhaps it was for the best.

21. Seems like the Lego people have had enough of Sugar Plum.

Of course, everyone should've know it would come to this. The Lego people were against him from the very beginning.

Of course, everyone should’ve know it would come to this. The Lego people were against him from the very beginning.

22. Vinklevoss apparently takes well to sheep.

No, that's not how you treat a sheep. Bestiality is depraved and wrong for a reason. And no, the animals don't like it.

No, that’s not how you treat a sheep. Bestiality is depraved and wrong for a reason. And no, the animals don’t like it.

23. Let us leave and give Trinkler his privacy.

Is he licking that candy cane through a glory hole? Please don't tell me it's as dirty as it looks.

Is he licking that candy cane through a glory hole? Please don’t tell me it’s as dirty as it looks.

24. Oh, look, Elksie made a pie. Isn’t that sweet?

Uh, on second thought, maybe it's better to pass. Because I don't want to know what's in it. Also, that looks like a finger.

Uh, on second thought, maybe it’s better to pass. Because I don’t want to know what’s in it. Also, that looks like a finger.

25. Okay, what the hell’s going on with Rinky?

Guess the toys have had enough with him that they put him in a blender and served him as a smoothie. Yes, that's really sick, indeed.

Guess the toys have had enough with him that they put him in a blender and served him as a smoothie. Yes, that’s really sick, indeed.

26. Aww, Finley just spelled out Santa in blocks.

On second thought, he spelled out "Satan." And I'm not sure if he did it by accident.

On second thought, he spelled out “Satan.” And I’m not sure if he did it by accident.

27. No, Quinkler, don’t you dare hold Barbie hostage!

He even wrote a ransom note for Ken in the meantime requesting unmarked bills to his lawyer. Or else, Barbie gets it. Ken, I think you might want to take the deal.

He even wrote a ransom note for Ken in the meantime requesting unmarked bills to his lawyer. Or else, Barbie gets it. Ken, I think you might want to take the deal.

28. Sometimes Pinker just pisses off the wrong people.

Queen Elsa is perhaps the last person he'd want to piss off right now. Because he's now a giant ice cube. Hope he likes dealing with hypothermia.

Queen Elsa is perhaps the last person he’d want to piss off right now. Because he’s now a giant ice cube. Hope he likes dealing with hypothermia.

29. Guess Rumple messed with the Caped Crusader for the last time.

Sure Batman doesn't like killing, Rumple. But you must've done something really bad for him to hang you into the toilet.

Sure Batman doesn’t like killing, Rumple. But you must’ve done something really bad for him to hang you into the toilet.

30. What the hell are Tingle and Chuckie doing to Frosty the Snowman?

No, don't put him through the grater? Anything but the grater? Poor, Frosty.

No, don’t put him through the grater? Anything but the grater? Poor, Frosty.

31. Finnegan always enjoys going online.

I think it's best that the Quincys no longer allow him access to their technology ever again. Seriously, he can no longer be trusted.

I think it’s best that the Quincys no longer allow him access to their technology ever again. Seriously, he can no longer be trusted.

32. “I have plans for you, Tinkerbell.”

No, Finney, please don't. Sure Tinkerbell is annoying, but that gives you no right to set her house on fire.

No, Finney, please don’t. Sure Tinkerbell is annoying, but that gives you no right to set her house on fire.

33. “Hello, witches, show me your tits!”

Guess whatever happens in Oz, stays in Oz. Or at least we hope. But it seems that Kingsley has made them an offer.

Guess whatever happens in Oz, stays in Oz. Or at least we hope. But it seems that Kingsley has made them an offer.

34. Did Nibbler just decapitate Barbie? Holy shit!

Oh, God, he did! And he's saying that the Mullins family are next. They better call the police.

Oh, God, he did! And he’s saying that the Mullins family are next. They better call the police.

35. Inkling always loves to camp out in the great indoors.

Did he just shoot Rudolph and hang him from sticks to drain the blood? Santa's going to be furious.

Did he just shoot Rudolph and hang him from sticks to drain the blood? Santa’s going to be furious.

36. Seems like Prattle partied with the GI Joes while the Farquars were gone.

And it seems the GI Joes had him drink a lot of beer in the meantime. Wait until Santa hears about this.

And it seems the GI Joes had him drink a lot of beer in the meantime. Wait until Santa hears about this.

37. “Okay, ladies, it’s now lights, camera, action!”

The Morrises knew that Linky was into making films. They didn't know the kind of movies he made. Yes, he's deep shit.

The Morrises knew that Linky was into making films. They didn’t know the kind of movies he made. Yes, he’s deep shit.

38. Guess the chalupa was too much for Vinny.

Okay, that's really disgusting. But I'm sure it can be easily flushed away. Yeah, he's got diarrhea real bad.

Okay, that’s really disgusting. But I’m sure it can be easily flushed away. Yeah, he’s got diarrhea real bad.

39. What does Frinkleflam have here?

Jesus, did he ever learn from Elf on the Shelf school that the parents' toys are strictly off limits? Seriously, he wouldn't want to be caught dead with a dildo.

Jesus, did he ever learn from Elf on the Shelf school that the parents’ toys are strictly off limits? Seriously, he wouldn’t want to be caught dead with a dildo.

40. For a good time, call Buddy.

I hope it's not for what I think it is. Though I'm probably right.

I hope it’s not for what I think it is. Though I’m probably right as far as I know.

41. Poor, Peeta, he didn’t even stand a chance.

Yes, what elves like Flicker are capable of doing is quite chilling during the Hunger Games. Peeta never stood a chance.

Yes, what elves like Flicker are capable of doing is quite chilling during the Hunger Games. Peeta never stood a chance.

42. Zippy wishes the Bayrocks to sleep tight.

But saying while being near the knives? I really don't like how this will go down.

But saying while being near the knives? I really don’t like how this will go down.

43. That’s nice. Jax invited Rudolph for dinner.

Yet, from how I look at it, Jax wants Rudolph to be the main course. Poor Rudolph.

Yet, from how I look at it, Jax wants Rudolph to be the main course. Poor Rudolph.

44. Unfortunately, Snowballs got ensnared by the Abominable Snowman.

And it seems like this yeti likes to have his meat on the skillet. Not sure if he wants it rare, medium, or well done.

And it seems like this yeti likes to have his meat on the skillet. Not sure if he wants it rare, medium, or well done.

45. Looks like Pinsey doesn’t feel so good.

From what I could tell, he at least had 3 beers. Yeah, that's what a night drinking can do to you.

From what I could tell, he at least had 3 beers. Yeah, that’s what a night drinking can do to you.

46. Seems like Boxy likes to make some money on the side.

Look, Boxy, I understand if Santa doesn't pay you enough. But even if pot's legal in Colorado, doesn't mean you should be selling it. It might look bad in your next performance review.

Look, Boxy, I understand if Santa doesn’t pay you enough. But even if pot’s legal in Colorado, doesn’t mean you should be selling it. It might look bad in your next performance review.

47. Marky, why the hell did you set the gingerbread house on fire?

Now everyone in there will be burnt to a crisp. Jesus, Marky, are you psycho or something?

Now everyone in there will be burnt to a crisp. Jesus, Marky, are you psycho or something?

48. You might not want to look behind the shower curtain.

Seems like Frinkle has a knife on him. And he's out to kill. Stay on your guard.

Seems like Frinkle has a knife on him. And he’s out to kill. Stay on your guard.

49. Nankie and Glinkle, please stop that!

Look, twerking is fine at the North Pole and all. But please, this is a family establishment here!

Look, twerking is fine at the North Pole and all. But please, this is a family establishment here!

50. Mindy and Button always enjoy each other’s company.

For the love of God, please don't try lighting farts this time of year. That could cause a major house fire!

For the love of God, please don’t try lighting farts this time of year. That could cause a major house fire!

51. Himey always likes to explore new places in the Tortini house.

I believe Mrs. Tortini's underwear drawer is strictly off limits. Seriously, Himey, you dare not go in there!

I believe Mrs. Tortini’s underwear drawer is strictly off limits. Seriously, Himey, you dare not go in there!

52. Man, Grinsley is ripped!

Don't tell me he's a male stripper on the side. God, makes me wonder how much Santa pays them.

Don’t tell me he’s a male stripper on the side. God, makes me wonder how much Santa pays them.

53. Wilky, you’re not fooling me with your meth business.

You can wear the yellow suit and mustache all you want to. But you'll still go on the naughty list for this year.

You can wear the yellow suit and mustache all you want to. But you’ll still go on the naughty list for this year.

54. Trixie really takes to the cat for some reason.

No, Trixie, you can't cut the cat's head off. That's just sick and wrong on so many levels.

No, Trixie, you can’t cut the cat’s head off. That’s just sick and wrong on so many levels.

55. Seems like somebody made the cover of Wrapping Paper magazine.

Not sure what I think about the cookies and milk bit. But that's sure not a wholesome elf.

Not sure what I think about the cookies and milk bit. But that’s sure not a wholesome elf.

56. Blizter, let go of the cleaver!

For some reason, it won't end well with the family he's staying with. Chances are you'll regret being on his naughty list.

For some reason, it won’t end well with the family he’s staying with. Chances are you’ll regret being on his naughty list.

57. Winkles has a message for the Bobbsey kids.

Okay, Winkles, that's really not appropriate. Please keep your thoughts about Mrs. Bobbsey to yourself, thanks.

Okay, Winkles, that’s really not appropriate. Please keep your thoughts about Mrs. Bobbsey to yourself, thanks.

58. Moxie always had a mischievous side to her.

But this really goes way too far. For the love of God, please don't pull the lever and start a fire drill.

But this really goes way too far. For the love of God, please don’t pull the lever and start a fire drill.

59. Of course, Mitsy had to dress up as her favorite Star Wars character for the new movie.

Slave Leia, really? Hey, it's okay to like Princess Leia. But a more modest costume is best.

Slave Leia, really? Hey, it’s okay to like Princess Leia. But a more modest costume is best.

60. “I call this a lamb sandwich.”

Sorry, kids, but thanks to Bertie, lambkins is no more. I know it's a real shame.

Sorry, kids, but thanks to Bertie, lambkins is no more. I know it’s a real shame.

61. Before Christmas, Lingle means business.

Looks like he's dressed and ready for a crime spree. Okay, I think someone really needs to call the cops on him.

Looks like he’s dressed and ready for a crime spree. Okay, I think someone really needs to call the cops on him.

62. Mr. Jingles has something to say to the Heaths.

I think the Heaths are now shivering in dread at the moment. Yes, Mr. Jingles is dangerous.

I think the Heaths are now shivering in dread at the moment. Yes, Mr. Jingles is dangerous.

63. “Sorry, but all these Hostess mini muffins are mine!”

Guess Frankle's family is going to be incredibly pissed when they get home. Don't like the sound of that.

Guess Frankle’s family is going to be incredibly pissed when they get home. Don’t like the sound of that.

64. “Come on, Barbie, let’s get out of here.”

Did they just kill Ken? Together? Jesus Christ, Santa won't take this well from Glingle.

Did they just kill Ken? Together? Jesus Christ, Santa won’t take this well from Glingle.

65. Even Gollum thinks Quingle is a bit freaky.

Oh, God, please don't do anything to Gollum! All he wants his is precious the hobbitses stole from him.

Oh, God, please don’t do anything to Gollum! All he wants is his precious the hobbitses stole from him.

66. “Please, come and play with us.”

No, kids, you don't want to play with Ginger and Jenny. They want to kill you.

No, kids, you don’t want to play with Ginger and Jenny. They want to kill you.

67. Seems like Grangy really needs help after what happened last night.

He should hope that this sink doesn't have a garbage disposal. Because he won't last long if it's turned on.

He should hope that this sink doesn’t have a garbage disposal. Because he won’t last long if it’s turned on.

68. “Guess all bets are off, ladies.”

Man, seems like they really get into playing strip poker at that house. Wait a minute?

Man, seems like they really get into playing strip poker at that house. Wait a minute?

69. Guess Frazzle really makes himself at home with these teen boy dolls.

Are they drinking beer and smoking pot? Hope marijuana's legal wherever he is or he's busted.

Are they drinking beer and smoking pot? Hope marijuana’s legal wherever he is or he’s busted.

70. “Sorry, Woody, but a deal’s a deal.”

Did Stinker just behead Woody like that? Jesus, God Almighty. how could he?

Did Stinker just behead Woody like that? Jesus, God Almighty. how could he?

71. I think Frizzle really needs to find some better avenues for his imagination.

He seems to like Fifty Shades of Grey a bit too much. And now he's experimenting BDSM on Barbies.

He seems to like Fifty Shades of Grey a bit too much. And now he’s experimenting BDSM on Barbies.

72. Derry always likes to know what’s going on with the neighbors.

Let's hope he's just birdwatching or stargazing shall we? Because I really don't want to think he's spying on the neighbors as a peeping tom.

Let’s hope he’s just birdwatching or stargazing shall we? Because I really don’t want to think he’s spying on the neighbors as a peeping tom.

73. “Abominable Snowman, why did you have to mess with the time machine?”

Now it seems that Glinko and his friends are about to become a prehistoric banquet. Yeah, it doesn't look good.

Now it seems that Glinko and his friends are about to become a prehistoric banquet. Yeah, it doesn’t look good.

74. Waddly has a confession to make.

It seems that Waddly more than likely killed someone he thought deserved it. Sorry, but vigilantism is a crime for a reason.

It seems that Waddly more than likely killed someone he thought deserved it. Sorry, but vigilantism is a crime for a reason.

75. Bricker always likes to go for a ride.

However, from how I see it, he looks as if he's trying to break into one. Someone call the cops.

However, from how I see it, he looks as if he’s trying to break into one. Someone call the cops.

76. Penny always likes to check out the home copy machine.

And it seems like she's copying an image of her own ass. Now that's just real immature.

And it seems like she’s copying an image of her own ass. Now that’s just real immature.

77. Crinker really needs to cut down on the Reddi Whip.

And the small metal bottles, too. Seriously, Crinker needs help. Does the North Pole have any 12 step programs?

And the small metal bottles, too. Seriously, Crinker needs help. Does the North Pole have any 12 step programs?

78. Ringer, please, don’t disturb the baby.

And he seems to put a screwdriver in the baby's bassinet. Nothing good can come of this.

And he seems to put a screwdriver in the baby’s bassinet. Nothing good can come of this.

79. Querty, what did that North Pole seminar tell you about sexual harassment?

Please don't hang on the mother's tits. I don't care how you might find her attractive. That's just wrong.

Please don’t hang on the mother’s tits. I don’t care how you might find her attractive. That’s just wrong.

80. Minkler, you know very well not to have sexual relations in a stocking.

However, Minkler doesn't really seem to give a shit, does he? Guess he'll have to face a disciplinary hearing when he gets back to the North Pole.

However, Minkler doesn’t really seem to give a shit, does he? Guess he’ll have to face a disciplinary hearing when he gets back to the North Pole.

NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition) (Second Edition)

Elf on the Shelf

Last year, I did an Elf on the Shelf post showing how naughty Santa’s little spies could be once they’re in the world of children’s homes. And you can bet, these hypocritical elves will be in doing naughty stuff in your home this year while they’re reporting your kids misbehavior to the big guy in the red suit. Yes, they want to make sure your kid certainly qualifies for the “nice list” before they leave your homes on Christmas Eve. But that doesn’t mean they have to be nice since I’ve found plenty of naughty Elf on the Shelf pictures on the Internet and made a whole post with them. Of course, since all my fans have loved last year’s naughty Elf on the Shelf post, I decided to follow up with another one this year. Yes, I know that it can only “move” around when the residents are asleep or when no one is around. But since we have so many naughty elves in so many houses not adhering to behavioral standards, I highly suggest that parents keep an eye on their resident Elf on the Shelf with aid of camera or the Internet. And report whenever the elf is breaching professional conduct. Yes, you’d like to think they’re doing their job but you never know for sure. And by naughty, I don’t mean childish mischief that makes children laugh. No, I mean stuff that would ruin a children show entertainer’s career or something your child won’t be able to watch in a movie below PG-13. So when you see your resident Elf on the Shelf behaving very inappropriately, remember to take a picture, show it on the Internet, and call this hotline to report it to Santa via 1-800-555-BAD-ELF1. Now without further adieu, I bring you more naughty moments from Elves on the Shelves behaving very badly. Warning: most of these pictures aren’t for kids and aren’t safe for work.

  1. “Stop right where you are, your money or your life.”
1

Uh-oh, seems like Grimpleskins is trying to commit a highway robbery near the living room couch. Might be time to buy some toy police to arrest his ass.

2. Aww, Bilbo and Snowflake are snuggling near the Christmas decorations.

1_catherine_wheel

Okay, they’re not snuggling. Nothing to see here, kids. Oh, come on, can’t you just keep it in your pants and save it for the North Pole for God’s sake?

3. Seems like little Tommy Tucker’s mishaps have been too much for Nucky to handle.

6a00e00991f3ca8833017c33f962ef970b-250wi

Why did he have to poison himself? Why? Was that kid really such a brat? Or was the job just too hard?

4. Don’t look now but I think Trimmer has just committed grand theft auto at the Finklesteins.

49ec475ac1f3c3f82500b4fa1323b74f

Boy, someone’s going to get in trouble with the authorities tonight. Man, Trimmer really has no idea what the hell he’s getting into here.

5. And you thought seeing your mommy kissing Santa Claus was a traumatizing childhood experience. You haven’t seen nothing yet.

52a8d3cdc3e80

Oh, yes, Mrs. Robinson, have to cheat on your husband with Clinker here. Just you wait until your hubby and kiddies come home from Christmas shopping for your present.

6. Now what the hell is Bimble Bob doing in leopard underwear and a 1970s pornstache?

52a8d95fa8d81

No, Bimble Bob, being at the Ellertons home is no way to get some free mustache rides. Seriously, you’re a complete and utter perv.

7. Holy shit, Winklekins, what the hell have you done to Barbie?

62

Good God, Winklekins, you’re a monster! Burying Barbie out in the yard like that makes you a sick son of a bitch. You’ll pay for this.

8. Seems like Pringle likes to creatively express himself in his artwork.

406893_10152293607965290_948737608_n

“All right, Suzie, now show me your tits. Yeah, I’m liking this. Now stay still until I get this down on canvas. It’ll be for my private enjoyment.”

9. Since deer hunting season is around this time, Slinky thought he’d go and grab himself a buck when the Bailey kiddies were in school.

4280123

Jesus Christ, he killed Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer! You bastard! Wait until Santa Claus hears about this! Boy, are you gonna be in North Pole jail after this season.

10. Timble is just on the tree to look what’s under the angel’s dress.

8575008_f520

Man, you’re a sick elf, Timble. Looking up the tree angel’s dress. Have you no decency?

11. Aww, that’s sweet, Timkins is hanging out with the smurfs.

ae1f3434a895a075f524faab361c6639

Holy shit! He’s captured them and is liquifying them to death in a blender! And he doesn’t seem to have an ounce of remorse over doing so.

12. Now that’s nice, Marvel decided to do some Christmas shopping.

cc3e41bc2570e2358ea16b1e506f9bef

And he seems to have made off with Mrs. Pirelli’s purse when she’s looking to buy something for her husband. What an asshole. Someone call security.

13. Seems Darth Vader finds Mittleskins’s lack of faith disturbing.

darth elf

Oh, Mittleskins, what did you do to upset Lord Vader? Well, whatever it is, I’m afraid no one can help you now. Yeah, Vader isn’t a guy who takes mischief lightly.

14. “Sorry, but Glimmer and Freddie have been very naughty lately so I’m the new Elf on the Shelf at the Gregson house this year.”

DFPSU.AuSt.9

Yeah, Pebbles somehow had the other two elves taped to the wall by the other toys for their misconduct. But it’s possible that he’s more evil than either of them.

15. Well, it seems that Bella made the front page.

elf_on_the_shelf_murderer

Oh, dear. You mean she’s the one who killed those people with a meat cleaver? Good God, what the hell’s wrong with the North Pole background check system?

16. I think Ollie might have a serious partying problem.

elf

Ollie, how many Jose Cuervos did you have? Yeah, I think you might’ve had enough for one night. Yeah, take a rest will you?

17. I don’t know about you but it seems Dinkles is enjoying his stay at the Henslers a little too much.

Elf-18

Yes, Dinkles, the Henslers might be nice people. But that doesn’t mean you should put yourself in their picture frames. Seriously, you need psychiatric help.

18. It’s said that Randy is a natural when it comes to cars.

elf83

Oh, is he going to let air out of the tires. Now that can’t be good. Seriously, he needs to stay out of the garage at all times.

19. “Pour me some Samuel Adams, Woody.”

elfonashelf161

Hey, Woody, before you pour some Sam Adams to Plinkie through the funnel, may I suggest you call an intervention? I think he might have a drinking problem.

20. “Tonight’s the night, Gnomey, and you will pay for what you did to those flamingos on the front yard. Yes, you will.”

elf-on-a-shelf-torture-gnome

Uh, I think Jangles has been watching too much Dexter lately. Yeah, I think murdering a gnome for vigilante justice is taking things a little too far.

21. Seems like Crinkler got himself into the Westons’s bathroom medicine cabinet.

elf-shelf-robinwood_0132

Uh, Crinkler, those aren’t candy. Those are medicines, possibly coming from a prescription. They’re not for you.

22. Hey, looks like Santa has come down from the North Pole to play some games with Zippy.

elf-shelf-robinwood_0135

Unfortunately, the game in question is beer pong, which isn’t good for your liver. Yeah, these two are going to be wasted by sunrise.

23. Okay, Finney, you really shouldn’t be getting into Mr. and Mrs. Templeton’s things.

elfward-condom-102

And it seems that Finney is really messing up with the Trojans by sticking pins through them. Yeah, you probably shouldn’t do that and I’m sure Mr. and Mrs. Templeton won’t appreciate it.

24. Quick, seems like Mr. Clavier needs to be in the ER ASAP. His finger won’t stop bleeding.

enhanced-buzz-14176-1386253873-23

Oh, my God, how could you do this, Brumpet? You’re a sick elf all right. I think the family might need to talk to Santa about this incident.

25. Of course, Rimple can be quite a fatalist at times.

funny-elf-on-the-shelf-11

Let’s hope whatever Rimple said on the toilet roll doesn’t pertain to murder or the apocalypse. Yeah, he’s not quite right in the head to get my drift.

26. Whenever he’s not spying on the Falkner children, Handy likes to enjoy himself at the local club.

600d7603f53e51091b7f02fcdea612a01

Unfortunately, it’s the place with the pole dancing Barbie strippers. And when he has more dough, it’s said that he even pays for lap dances.

27. “The best thing about being at a girl’s house is that you can get plenty of tail.”

enhanced-buzz-3500-1386254536-0

“Yes, Betty, that’s a nice rack you have. Now, ladies, let’s get down to business. Please don’t keep me waiting till Christmas Eve because I want my presents early this year.”

28. Tony’s favorite room in the house is the kitchen and his favorite part is the knife block.

enhanced-buzz-15101-1386254794-21

Oh, I really have a bad feeling about this. I think Tony just might have murder on the mind by the looks of it.

29. Oh, dear God, Hanny just totaled the Barbie car!

elf2 (1)

Oh, shit, now he needs some medical attention, if he’s still alive. He should’ve been looking both ways before the vacuum rammed into him.

30. Of course, when Mr. Harris went to work the next morning, his co-workers couldn’t stop laughing at his new haircut.

hairtrim.jpg~original

No, Mr. Harris, your barber didn’t mess up this time. Trust me. Your wife could swear it was certainly Brimbles did it while you were sleeping.

31. Of course, Flicker likes to surf the net from time to time.

let-me-start-by-saying-bad-elf-wifi

Yeah, if your browser history is unusually filled with elf porn, you might need to call Santa. Then again, I’m sure there aren’t elf women like that at the North Pole anyway.

32. In his spare time, Trinkles loves to look inside the neighbors’ windows.

Peeping-Tom-Elf-630x420

Let’s hope he’s not watching from the parents’ room. Because that would basically make him a peeping tom. Yeah, I think everyone deserves privacy now and then.

33. Seems like Trippy is a bit buzzed at the moment.

photo-861

Yeah, I’m sure Mrs. Gillespie will be very impressed by you doing cocaine on her kitchen counter, Trippy. She’ll probably call the cops and tell them all about it. Wouldn’t that be nice?

34. Looks like Santa and Sam the Snowman are really taking to Himey.

picture-054

Is he doing to Santa what I think he’s doing? And what the hell is Sam the Snowman? Oh, never mind. Still, this is just so disturbing on multiple levels.

35. Oh, shit, now Mrs. Flenderson’s gingerbread Christmas village is destroyed. What’s she going to do?

The-Elf-on-the-Shelf-is-Eating-the-Shelf-on-ElfShaming-via-NicoleLeighShaw

And ti seems like Dinkler here just had to get some gingerbread to wreck everything. How nice. And he seems to have a little grin on his face.

36. When Pauly is at the Nichols’ place, he occasionally likes to film some home movies before returning to the North Pole on Christmas Eve.

thumbs_photo-dec-07-4-27-41-pm

Unfortunately, he tends to have very terrible taste in quality entertainment. And as you see, he’s one sick and twisted individual. Yeah, I’m sure Santa will be pleased (sarcasm).

37. Looks like Trinkles got in some sort of trouble in Lego Land recently.

lego

I’m not sure what Trinkles did to be tied down by the Lego people. But whatever it is, I’m sure the Lego people viewed it pretty serious.

38. Don’t look now but it seems that the Boss Elf has been tied down at the moment.

tumblr_nge8gy9X7V1shb0boo4_1280

And tied down, I’m not kidding to say the least. Yes, Hermy has tied him down with some string and duck tape. And he plans to flatten him with a rolling pin. This can’t be good.

39. Here’s Timmy with Mr. Wilson. Wonder what went on there?

e66cf38bea73a3dede7b3efe99019052

Did Timmy just murder Mr. Wilson in the kitchen and took a selfie? Seriously, that is just sick! Yeah, might want to call the authorities.

40. Uh, Phil, I’m afraid those aren’t craft supplies or weapons.

thumbs_photo-dec-10-9-51-40-am

I think those might be tampons. I’m positive. And no, Phil, they’re not for you to play with. Seriously, it’s a personal item.

41. Aww, Crystal is making paper snowflake decorations. Isn’t that sweet?

6a0133f30ae399970b01a3faa61af7970b-800wi

Okay, now a paper snowflake can have many designs. Now those look like a massive waste of paper because they’re too inappropriate for children to see.

42. Of course, since it’s legal in Colorado, Perry thought he’d just sample some local bong.

5c95a38f91b7283577c6c9c5aad24786

Yeah, pot might be legal in Colorado. But that doesn’t mean you should smoke some bong while you’re watching the Griggs’ children during the holiday season.

43. “Okay, tell me what the combination is or I’ll waterboard you some more.”

51a3c51b8e3fbaebfb7ddb93e52938fd

Uh, can someone give Blitzer the memo that enhanced interrogation techniques don’t work like they do in Hollywood? Just saying. Also, someone should call Santa over this.

44. Nice to see that Ginger is a real bookworm. Wonder what she’s reading this year?

6a0133f30ae399970b01a3faa614d7970b-800wi

Oh, she’s reading the Fifty Shades Trilogy. Yeah, not the kind of book I’d expect from an Elf on the Shelf.

45. I think Mrs. Lopez might want to check her underwear drawer at the moment.

6a0133f30ae399970b01a3faa615e1970b-800wi

Yeah, I think Plinko might be a bit of a perv or have some sort a fetish. Wonder if it’s because looking at his fellow lady elves’ underwear makes him look way too creepy to his peers.

46. Looks like Jasper likes to take candy cane by the spoonful.

6a0133f30ae399970b019b03327e6c970d-800wi

Wait a minute, he’s doing crack, right? Okay, I think this guy really needs help because that stuff is highly addictive.

47. “Okay, all of you, on Christmas Eve, you’re going to the North Pole with me.”

6a0133f30ae399970b019b0332817a970d-800wi

Okay, is it just me or is Flaker making some side money on toy figure trafficking? Someone might want to call the Toyland authorities on this guy along with Santa.

48. “I’ve got you now, Chicago Bears nutcracker, any last requests until I light you into a stove top bonfire?”

9d74dad8f775fd965a547a9f13e6e30f

“Sorry, bub, but I just happen to be a Greenbay Packers fan, thank you very much. Now let’s light ’em so to speak.”

49. Seems like Trinket has created his own sleigh with reindeer.

fb7e7b8afc7be80040bbdf268fb4673b

Sorry, but making a sleigh from a case and beer cans isn’t really appropriate for a family Christmas. Also, there aren’t 12 reindeer and they all don’t have red noses.

50. Uh-oh, seems like there may be some mishap with the peanut butter.

1462734_10202641127168795_619349884_o

Now that doesn’t look good. Yeah, dog licking Bringle’s ass while he’s on the snow globe. Nothing to see here, kids.

51. “I’d just love me some Malibu Barbie during the holiday season.”

malibu-barbie-elf-on-the-shelf

Of course, Ningle’s idea of a Malibu Barbie is some Malibu rum and a bunch of Barbies in a blender. Now that’s just sick.

52. Seems like Boba Fett has a bounty for Jabba the Hutt.

ZcFVCYp

Well, at least Icky didn’t get frozen in carbonite. Then again, what’s going for him can’t be great either.

53. “All right! Tell me which list I’m on this year and whether I’m getting a new Xbox for Christmas! And I better be on the nice list or I’ll get totally naughty on your ass if I’m not!”

elf waterboard

Apparently, Quinty seemed to have given some boy’s soldier doll some wrong ideas about Christmas. And he’s basically gone full action movie commando on his ass.

54. Well, as they say, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

6845b6a6cd3f738daa3ae1a6eff2d3e6

Interesting how they tend to defecate chocolate chips. Still, would it be disgusting if I scooped some from the candle and ate it? Probably.

55. “All right, Biggles, tell me where Santa’s money is if you want to live!”

elf511

Of course, Biggles might be damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t in this situation. Still, this is just so hard to see.

56. Well, Winkyskins seems to have fallen onto the kitchen floor this time.

IMG_0529

And he seems to be wielding a big ass knife. Guess Winkyskins wasn’t as right in the head as we thought.

57. Don’t worry, I’m sure Hinky will help you make the cookies.

elf-on-the-shelf-pooping-chocolate-onto-cookies-article

Looks like Hinky must have the grizzly shits real bad this time that he’s pooping Hershey’s kisses. Yeah, seems very unappetizing does it?

58. Oh, my God, Trinky, what the hell have you done to your face?

thumbs_tyson

Hey, is that the Mike Tyson tattoo Stu got from the Hangover 2? Yeah, really not a good idea if you ask me.

59. “I’m sure nobody will know the difference if I wash this toothbrush in toilet water.”

enhanced-buzz-15074-1386253987-16

Let’s just say if you knew knew your toothbrush was immersed in toilet water, you’d probably get another one. Yeah, it’s pretty gross to brush your teeth after your toothbrush has been through that.

60. “I’ll just trim Rover’s claws with these cutters I’ve found in the garage.”

86baa5099d36508478499d4b6b512904

I think Rover might wake up in the process if Triggles isn’t too careful. Still, clipping claws really not a good idea.

61. Hmmm…Trigger is making some tootsie rolls.

tootsie-rolls-elf-on-the-shelf

Oh, so that’s how they’re made. Makes me never want to eat a tootsie roll again. Yeah, really gross if you think about it.

62. “Sorry, Barbie, but you’ll be dead when that train runs over you.”

elfonashelf141

I think the train might be a little too small to run Barbie over. I mean it’s all a matter of weight ratios here.

63. Oh, my God, Tinkler’s been dissected.

5617664bc158d37d6effa99571d5a810

Okay, now that’s not cool. Seriously, that’s just downright creepy. Sorry, kids, but he won’t be back next Christmas season.

64. Holy shit, Jangles killed Elmo! That bastard!

bcf145aa53ba2054439c1e232a6388a5

Yeah, I’m sure Jangles is going to be in big trouble. I mean there’s a Hulk down below. And you don’t want to get Hulk angry.

65. “Sorry, Gussy, but I’ll have to tape you to a cabinet this time. And no, I won’t let you say anything.”

elf-buzz-lightyear-elf-on-shelf

Of course, I can understand Buzz taping the elf to the cabinet. Sorry, but Gussy kind of gives me the creeps if you ask me.

66. “Oh, no, not the buttons! Not the gumdrop buttons!”

98105b8324bddf0bfd06c1602e06442e

And he just had to behead the Gingerbread Man. Still, didn’t know that they bled. Wasn’t expecting that.

67. “Of course, bath time ain’t fun unless you get psycho.”

524e5340f3062bd413a0e8b462ce4ce5

Yes, Gringy just had to behead 2 Barbies and strangle Bell with a shower hose. Now that’s just lovely. Actually, that’s disturbing.

68. “Et tu, Brute?”

be2c3e92dc5faadbd33565c9a2559b23

Let me guess, the dead elf is Julius Caesar, right? How can I guess? Also, shouldn’t the other two Ken dolls also have knives?

69. “All right, Gracie, now you’ve used your lotion long enough!”

f27de0ffa4f2bc4cdf0fd252c520658d

Man, seems like Inky has put Gracie in a real shitty hostage situation. Really should tell Santa about that. Seriously, you should.

70. Trinker always loves it whenever Barbie goes in the shower.

f37ee28488167a4642e4186003939418

Boy, is he such a perv and a peeping tom. Let’s hope when Ken gets home, he’s going to nail Trinker’s ass to kingdom come.

71. “I’m sure she didn’t see me robbing her jewelry box.”

8545a208b93b7059cc39113722ab04fb

Sorry, but a nylon stocking doesn’t construe facial features. That’s just a fact. Also, I’m sure those jewels aren’t as worth as much as Hinkle thinks. I bet any money on that.

72. “All dressed up in my glow bracelets and ready to rave.”

7a90fa35e8fdbca6c6f05a75a23767a0

Of course, Jinxer is bound to return totally high on ecstasy and totally wasted on alcohol. Then again, he’s probably just wearing glow stick bracelets. But still.

73. Of course, when you get up in the morning, you should always check your coffee.

60caca1e374eacd843f282deb02cac1b

This is especially true when Gwinnet puts laxatives in Mr. Tishel’s morning coffee. Sorry, Mr. Tishel, but probably don’t have diarrhea.

74. “What do you think I should do? Should one of us kill him?”

19a21f1257c3965bb7c45bdc5e3865c2

Wonder what Klinky did now that made the nutcracker soldiers tape him to a panel and guard him. Must have been pretty bad if you ask me.

75. “He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny… He looks like a pink nightmare!”

8c2299627489eb12bfa6b3a15d956343

Well, wouldn’t anyone who’s not a 4-6 year old girl? Seriously, I think this is fairly demented if you ask me.

76. “All right, now light ’em up.”

Elf-12

Hmm….Ingles is smoking a cigarette. Now that’s a naughty elf. Hope he likes to have his lungs full of tar and an early death to lung cancer.

77. Okay, what did Gringie just do to deserve this? Because this looks really bad.

11235381_1014949938567921_549224021438018388_n

Of course, he should note that Han shot first. Just so you know. Still, I wouldn’t think being held over from a gas burner as very pleasant.

78. “Looks, I’m going to party with some of the hot, drunk elf ladies. Man, it’s going to be great.”

c02cb7072fe88d3e4b94702a976e9a64

Yeah, what a sick and twisted elf Tringletoes is. And you think he’s an upstanding because he has to report naughty things on kids to Santa. What a hypocrite.

79. “Hey, I didn’t know they have pay-per-view here. I’d like to see what titles they have here. Like to see some naked elf girls.”

e09abe989dd0b2dad2d94b451f3b3b77

Man, Belmer really has a dirty imagination if you ask me. You have to wonder if they have such smut all the time at the North Pole nowadays.

80. “Wonder what Mrs. McElroy would think if I just happened to flush her tic-tacs down the toilet.”

fe6440d02f858d24e71fcd1bd210a131

Uh, Hanky, I really don’t think those are tic-tacs. Definitely not tic-tacs. And I’m sure Mrs. McElroy is bound to be pissed when she finds out.

Stupid Baby Stuff

6a0133f30ae399970b017c36d1c8d2970b-pi

I may be a non-pregnant single woman who doesn’t have kids, but even I know that like pets, babies need certain things that the rest of us don’t. Yes, we know they’re a lot of work and hassle since they can’t do anything for themselves save maybe the standard bodily functions and crying for someone to meet their every whim. However, despite what the media may seem, babies don’t stay babies for long so there are plenty of ways for new or expectant parents to get all their baby needs without breaking the bank as much. Seriously, I can’t remember how many times I’ve seen baby stuff at yard sales. Nevertheless, as the oldest of 24 grandchildren, I’ve probably been around babies longer than a lot of people that I’ve lost count to how many baptisms I’ve been to growing up. Still, this doesn’t stop some enterprising person from inventing some baby stuff these little tykes really don’t need or want in that matter. Some baby things out there will not see much use like certain clothes whether by designers or not. Some baby things are just downright inappropriate or ridiculous. And other products just may traumatize the wee things. Then there are the baby products that would make some people wonder whether they should call Child Services on their parents. Of course, as long as the human race keeps reproducing, there will always be someone trying to cash in on it. So without further adieu, here is an assortment of products for babies that parents should probably stay away from.

1. Laugh and Learn Apptivity Case

I know future generations will need to learn to live with technology. But c'mon, do babies really need iPhones this badly?

I know future generations will need to learn to live with technology. But c’mon, do babies really need iPhones this badly? In fact, I’m sure nobody wants their babies learn cognitive skills by organizing their contacts folder.

2. The WhyCry Mini Cry Analyzer

Yes, I know  babies cry a lot. But I'm sure it doesn't take much for parents to know what their babies want without one, especially when it comes to diaper changes. Nevertheless, I suspect this is a scam or an annoying game of Simon for infants.

Yes, I know babies cry a lot. But I’m sure it doesn’t take much for parents to know what their babies want without one, especially when it comes to diaper changes. Nevertheless, I suspect this is a scam or an annoying game of Simon for infants.

3. Gotta Go Mitts

Now I know this is for little kids. But still, wouldn't it be better to teach them to clean their messes. Also, there are already products that keep kiddie hands clean. It's called soap. You may have heard of it.

Now I know this is for little kids. But still, wouldn’t it be better to teach them to clean their messes. Also, there are already products that keep kiddie hands clean. It’s called soap. You may have heard of it.

4. Heelarious Baby Heels

Oh, hell no! Seriously, now's not the time to give baby Maddie a lifetime of foot problems or see a podiatrist before her time, especially when she's barely learned to walk. Seriously, why does this product even exist?

Oh, hell no! Seriously, now’s not the time to give baby Maddie a lifetime of foot problems or see a podiatrist before her time, especially when she’s barely learned to walk. Seriously, why does this product even exist?

5. The Baby Lasso

Yes, it may be hard to keep babies still for a diaper change. But still, what the hell is this thing even used for? Is the baby a piece of cattle?

Yes, it may be hard to keep babies still for a diaper change. But still, what the hell is this thing even used for? Is the baby a piece of cattle?

6. Pee Pee Teepee

Now these are supposed to cover a baby boy's junk during a diaper change in order to avoid any accidents. Of course, some baby boys might think it takes all the fun out of it.

Now these are supposed to cover a baby boy’s junk during a diaper change in order to avoid any accidents. Of course, some baby boys might think it takes all the fun out of it. May only be useful about once or twice.

7. Poop Alarm

Now this device is designed to alert parents when the baby needs changing. However, there is a cheaper and more reliable device that already does this which doesn't attach to a baby's butt. It's called the nose.

Now this device is designed to alert parents when the baby needs changing. However, there is a cheaper and more reliable device that already does this which doesn’t attach to a baby’s butt. It’s called the nose.

8. The Baby Flower Shower Visor

It's said to help protect babies from getting soap and shampoo in their eyes. However, my question is how do you wash and rinse what's under the cap?

It’s said to help protect babies from getting soap and shampoo in their eyes. However, my question is how do you wash and rinse what’s under the cap? Also, the baby doesn’t seem happy in it.

9. Snail Vacuum Cleaner

The toy that combines the independence of riding free with the wind with the joys of housecleaning. I'm sure my mom would've wanted me to have one of these while I was a baby. Of course, I probably wouldn't use it since I hate the noise of vacuum cleaners.

The toy that combines the independence of riding free with the wind with the joys of housecleaning. I’m sure my mom would’ve wanted me to have one of these while I was a baby. Of course, I probably wouldn’t use it since I hate the noise of vacuum cleaners.

10. Baby Toupee

As to why anyone would want their babies to look like Donald Trump, I don't have the slightest idea. Seriously, I'm sure the hair is as fake as the ugly mop Donald Trump has on his own head. And let's just say, your baby is much less whiny and self-centered than he is.

As to why anyone would want their babies to look like Donald Trump, I don’t have the slightest idea. Seriously, I’m sure the hair is as fake as the ugly mop Donald Trump has on his own head. And let’s just say, your baby is much less whiny and self-centered than he is.

11. The Tummy Tub

It's basically a bucket that costs $45 that's supposed to replicate the feeling of being in the womb. Nevertheless, if that does the trick, you should just hold on to your $45 and use a regular bucket, which comes with a handle.

It’s basically a bucket that costs $45 that’s supposed to replicate the feeling of being in the womb. Nevertheless, if that does the trick, you should just hold on to your $45 and use a regular bucket, which comes with a handle.

12. The Grillz Pacifier

I'm sure Kanye West probably bought one of these for his daughter North. Nevertheless, I see a a lot of bad rap songs and crime in this child's future, not to be stereotypical.

I’m sure Kanye West probably bought one of these for his daughter North. Nevertheless, I see a a lot of bad rap songs and crime in this child’s future, not to be stereotypical.

13. Baby Bangs

Just wait and their hair will come soon enough. That's how it works. In the meantime, you don't need me to tell you that these Baby Bangs look so ridiculous. Seriously, why does this even exist?

Just wait and their hair will come soon enough. That’s how it works. In the meantime, you don’t need me to tell you that these Baby Bangs look so ridiculous. Seriously, why does this even exist?

14. Baby Knee Pads

Because crawling babies have a chance to bust their knees while they're on the mood and must need protection. This doesn't account for the fact that ever since the dawn of time, most babies had to crawl without them and did just fine.

Because crawling babies have a chance to bust their knees while they’re on the mood and must need protection. This doesn’t account for the fact that ever since the dawn of time, most babies had to crawl without them and did just fine.

15. Baby Onesie Dust/Mop

Because if your baby can crawl, it can clean. Yeah, I'm sure your baby will be thrilled about that. Just wait until it needs a diaper change.

Because if your baby can crawl, it can clean. Yeah, I’m sure your baby will be thrilled about that. Just wait until it needs a diaper change or slips on a hardwood floor and loses a tooth.

16. The Peekaru

For the Alien lover inside you. Sorry, but this seems like a choking hazard and a waste of money. Also, pretty creepy if you think about it.

For the Alien lover inside you. Sorry, but this seems like a choking hazard and a waste of money. Also, pretty creepy if you think about it.

17. J&D’s Bacon Flavored Baby Formula

Because it's never too early to hop aboard the obesity train where all the stops consist of fat camp, body shaming, Type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and early death.

Because it’s never too early to hop aboard the obesity train where all the stops consist of fat camp, body shaming, Type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and early death.

18. Crumb Cap

For those worried about a messy baby, then you shouldn't even have a baby. Also, doubles as a scuba suit.

For those worried about a messy baby, then you shouldn’t even have a baby. Also, doubles as a scuba suit.

19. The Windi

This is a baby but plug supposed to help its gastrointestinal problems. However, I just see it as a big waste of money.

This is a baby but plug supposed to help its gastrointestinal problems. However, I just see it as a big waste of money.

20. The Kickbee

This is a motion sensing belt that sends a tweet every time a kick is detected. Basically sets up your kid into being an annoying douche from inside the womb. Seriously, what does a fetus have to tweet about?

This is a motion sensing belt that sends a tweet every time a kick is detected. Basically sets up your kid into being an annoying douche from inside the womb. Seriously, what does a fetus have to tweet about?

21. The Thudguard

Sure babies have softer heads than the rest of us. But still, I'm sure most of us have transitioned from infancy and toddlerhood just fine without the need for a stupid helmet like this.  Seriously, kids get bumps and bruises all the time. The best we can do is make sure they're more careful.

Sure babies have softer heads than the rest of us. But still, I’m sure most of us have transitioned from infancy and toddlerhood just fine without the need for a stupid helmet like this. Seriously, kids get bumps and bruises all the time. The best we can do is make sure they’re more careful.

22. The Zaky Hand Pillow

Because nothing comforts your child more than a disembodied arm. Or in that case, gives parent's nightmares. Luckily, the baby below just sees it as a toy.

Because nothing comforts your child more than a disembodied arm. Or in that case, gives parent’s nightmares. Luckily, the baby below just sees it as a toy.

23. NoseFrida the Snotsucker

Now I know a lot of people have snot coming out of their noses which is gross enough. However, sucking your baby's snot with this thing is perhaps the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. Seriously, there's a better way to clean your baby's snot ridden face. It's called a tissue or Kleenex.

Now I know a lot of people have snot coming out of their noses which is gross enough. However, sucking your baby’s snot with this thing is perhaps the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. Seriously, there’s a better way to clean your baby’s snot ridden face. It’s called a tissue or Kleenex.

24. The Bottle Holder

Is it so much effort just to hold a bottle to your child? Or do you have to get a contraption inspired by those beer holders we see at an NFL game? Also doubles as a baby hang glider.

Is it so much effort just to hold a bottle to your child? Or do you have to get a contraption inspired by those beer holders we see at an NFL game? Also doubles as a baby paraglider.

25. The Crib Dribbler

Okay, this is just wrong. Seriously, cribs aren't cages and babies aren't pets. Also, while you're at it, why don't you just get a baby crib exercise wheel for your baby to run on? Fortunately, this isn't a real product, just a prank box for a baby shower. Well, as far as we know.

Okay, this is just wrong. Seriously, cribs aren’t cages and babies aren’t pets. Also, while you’re at it, why don’t you just get a baby crib exercise wheel for your baby to run on? Fortunately, this isn’t a real product, just a prank box for a baby shower. Well, as far as we know.

26. The iPotty

With all the crap on Twitter and Facebook these days, it's never too early to start trolling with this costing $499. Nevertheless, an iPad is probably not necessary for a potty training toddler. Still, does it come in adult size?

With all the crap on Twitter and Facebook these days, it’s never too early to start trolling with this costing $499. Nevertheless, an iPad is probably not necessary for a potty training toddler. Still, does it come in adult size?

27. Baby Butt Fan

This is a fan that dries your baby's butt. However, there's a much cheaper alternative to this that only takes 10 seconds.

This is a fan that dries your baby’s butt. However, there’s a much cheaper alternative to this that only takes 10 seconds.

28. Baby Keeper

Because when mommy and daddy have their hands full, baby needs to be strung up and put against the wall. Guaranteed to traumatize the little tykes that they'll need a diaper change every time they're out of it.

Because when mommy and daddy have their hands full, baby needs to be strung up and put against the wall. Guaranteed to traumatize the little tykes that they’ll need a diaper change every time they’re out of it.

29. Swimming Neck Ring

Otherwise known as,

Otherwise known as, “My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer.” Supposed to keep babies afloat. Seriously, this looks like it could suffocate them. I’m sure they have other baby floatation devices.

30. My Carry Potty

I hate to say this, but wouldn't just be easier for your potty trained kid to just use a public toilet? Would make much better sense than having them carry their crap around with them. Disgusting.

I hate to say this, but wouldn’t just be easier for your potty trained kid to just use a public toilet? Would make much better sense than having them carry their crap around with them. Disgusting.

31. Baby Bomb Shelter

For the crazy survivalist parent who believes that the apocalypse will soon be upon us. I'm sure this baby will totally use this thing. Not.

For the crazy survivalist parent who believes that the apocalypse will soon be upon us. I’m sure this baby will totally use this thing. Not.

32. The Po-Knee

This device brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millennium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated. Parents, make sure the individual giving out pony rides is always wearing pants.

This device brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millennium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated. Parents, make sure the individual giving out pony rides is always wearing pants.

33. The Baby Bubadoo

Basically this is a baby straitjacket for the changing table.Seriously, why don't you put on a baby Hannibal Lecter mask while you're at it?

Basically this is a baby straitjacket for the changing table.Seriously, why don’t you put on a baby Hannibal Lecter mask while you’re at it?

34. Baby Perfume

Sure babies tend to stink a lot since they pee and poo in their diapers. But this doesn't mean you should buy perfume for them. Seriously, they're too young for that.

Sure babies tend to stink a lot since they pee and poo in their diapers. But this doesn’t mean you should buy perfume for them. Seriously, they’re too young for that.

35. Baby Bikini

Because it's never too early to sexualize your little girl with swimwear. Seriously, why does this thing even exist?

Because it’s never too early to sexualize your little girl with swimwear. Seriously, why does this thing even exist?

36. Toe Blooms

Now these would be perfect for my cousin Ava's very first trip to Las Vegas. Of course, this is assuming her parents are incredibly irresponsible people. Seriously, Vegas is a terrible place for babies. You're better off taking them to Disney World.

Now these would be perfect for my cousin Ava’s very first trip to Las Vegas. Of course, this is assuming her parents are incredibly irresponsible people (which they’re not). Seriously, Vegas is a terrible place for babies. You’re better off taking them to Disney World.

37. Ashton Martin Stroller

For God's sake, $3,000 is way too much for a baby stroller. Seriously, what kind of parent in their right mind would buy this thing?

For God’s sake, $3,000 is way too much for a baby stroller. Seriously, what kind of parent in their right mind would buy this thing?

38. Baby Flip Flops

Sorry, but if your baby can't walk into a shower unsupervised, then it's probably not the time to buy baby flip flops. Seriously, how do these things exist?

Sorry, but if your baby can’t walk into a shower unsupervised, then it’s probably not the time to buy baby flip flops. Seriously, how do these things exist?

39. Clip-On Stroller Fan

Obviously designed by someone who's never been around babies or small children. I mean that just looks like an accident waiting to happen.

Obviously designed by someone who’s never been around babies or small children. I mean that just looks like an accident waiting to happen.

40. Baby Cleats

Listen, if your baby isn't walking, then it's too early to get them to play soccer. Seriously, who the hell thinks babies can play soccer for God's sake?

Listen, if your baby isn’t walking, then it’s too early to get them to play soccer. Seriously, who the hell thinks babies can play soccer for God’s sake?

41. iPhone Teether

For one, it's made from wood. Second, if you give your baby this, try telling your kid later that

For one, it’s made from wood. Second, if you give your baby this, try telling your kid later that “phones are not toys.” Yeah, they’ll listen (sarcasm).

42. My Pee Pee Bottle

If your toddler has grown out of diapers then they should be potty trained to use a toilet. He or she should only pee in a bottle if there's no bathroom in sight, like everyone else.

If your toddler has grown out of diapers then they should be potty trained to use a toilet. He or she should only pee in a bottle if there’s no place to pee in sight, like everyone else. Also, if it’s a girl, I especially recommend the toilet, for obvious reasons.

43. Toddler Urinal

I'm sure there's a better way to teach your son how to pee standing up than buying his own training urinal. It's called the toilet and he could even use it to pee sitting down, too. Also, what's wrong with teaching him how to pee sitting down first?

I’m sure there’s a better way to teach your son how to pee standing up than buying his own training urinal. It’s called the toilet and he could even use it to pee sitting down, too. Also, what’s wrong with teaching him how to pee sitting down first?

44. Juppy Baby Walking Aid

Sure babies must learn to walk sometime. But putting them in a harness 57 times a day just seems too much trouble than just having them hold your freaking hand.

Sure babies must learn to walk sometime. But putting them in a harness 57 times a day just seems too much trouble than just having them hold your freaking hand.

45. Paper High Chair

I'm sure this is supposed to be

I’m sure this is supposed to be “sustainable” but I’m just not buying it, especially since it seems disposable. Of course, there’s a better way to be sustainable with high chairs. Just buy one at a yard sale for God’s sake.

46. Walk Up Toddler Changing Table

If your toddler is old enough for this, then they're probably old enough to use a toilet. Seriously, why does this even exist? Better stick with a potty seat.

If your toddler is old enough for this, then they’re probably old enough to use a toilet. Seriously, why does this even exist? Better stick with a potty seat.

47. Riding Potty Chair

I don't think mixing bathroom time with playground time is a good idea. Seriously, I just hope this girl knows that you don't take a dump on the playground equipment nor do you ride on the toilet.

I don’t think mixing bathroom time with playground time is a good idea. Seriously, I just hope this girl knows that you don’t take a dump on the playground equipment nor do you ride on the toilet.

48. Penguin Urinal

Now if you thought the toddler urinal was crazy enough, this one tells little boys to pee into their,

Now if you thought the toddler urinal was crazy enough, this one tells little boys to pee into their, “penguin friend.” Also, it’s said you can place this thing anywhere, even the living room. Which begs the question, why?

49. Potty Mitts

Public bathrooms may be gross but still, I'm not sure you want your kids growing up to be the next Howard Hughes. Seriously, nobody wears mitts going to the bathroom, save maybe Alaska.

Public bathrooms may be gross but still, I’m not sure you want your kids growing up to be the next Howard Hughes. Seriously, nobody wears mitts going to the bathroom, save maybe Alaska.

50. Poop Scoop Bag

Now as someone who lives in the country, I think a poop scoop bag is ridiculous enough in its original use. But using one for babies? Seriously, we have diapers for a reason.

Now as someone who lives in the country, I think a poop scoop bag is ridiculous enough in its original use. But using one for babies? Seriously, we have diapers for a reason. Still, if you’re going to clean up from your kid like that, why don’t you just line the floor with newspapers or buy a pooper scooper?

51. Baby Dumbbell

Sure babies need their exercise. But some workout routines should be started later than others. Weightlifting probably falls among the later.

Sure babies need their exercise. But some workout routines should be started later than others. Weightlifting probably falls among the later.

52. Woombie

This is supposed to be a cocoon like sack to get a baby to sleep and it's stretchy enough for comfort and movement. However, it resembles something you'd see at the Ye Olde Insane Asylum.

This is supposed to be a cocoon like sack to get a baby to sleep and it’s stretchy enough for comfort and movement. However, it resembles something you’d see at the Ye Olde Insane Asylum.

53. Hula-Bye

Now this straps your baby onto a changing table so you won't have a hard time cleaning up. Of course, my grandfather used to strap me onto a changing table in my infancy and it didn't cost him $42. Still, this isn't a medieval torture device.

Now this straps your baby onto a changing table so you won’t have a hard time cleaning up. Of course, my grandfather used to strap me onto a changing table in my infancy and it didn’t cost him $42. Still, this isn’t a medieval torture device.

54. Baby Stimulation Shirt for Adults

Yes, now parents can wear this shirt to stimulate their baby's senses at the cost of the retail price and their dignity. Seriously,   I'm sure plenty of parents just bought educational toys instead.

Yes, now parents can wear this shirt to stimulate their baby’s senses at the cost of the retail price and their dignity. Seriously, I’m sure plenty of parents just bought educational toys instead.

55. The Ritmo Advanced Pregnancy Sound System

I'm sure fetuses need a lot of things, but I'm not sure blasting music through the womb is one of them. Seriously, singing is cheaper and won't cost $150.

I’m sure fetuses need a lot of things, but I’m not sure blasting music through the womb is one of them. Seriously, singing is cheaper and won’t cost $150.

56. Baby Tattoos

Of course, these aren't real. But still, I'm sure grandma won't be pleased assuming she's not in a biker gang. Seriously, babies are too young for tattoos.

Of course, these aren’t real. But still, I’m sure grandma won’t be pleased assuming she’s not in a biker gang. Seriously, babies are too young for tattoos.

57. Beeni Baby Hat

Combine this with the Baby Bubadoo, and you've gotten a little Hannibal Lecter on your hands. Seriously, this is disturbing, not cute.

Combine this with the Baby Bubadoo, and you’ve gotten a little Hannibal Lecter on your hands. Seriously, this is disturbing, not cute.

58. Thongies

Thong diapers? Why in the hell do these exist? Seriously, these aren't just inappropriate but they probably aren't as effective as regular diapers.

Thong diapers? Why in the hell do these exist? Seriously, these aren’t just inappropriate but they probably aren’t as effective as regular diapers.

59. The Bite Counter

Basically this is designed to count bites. But I think it's maximum embarrassment with minimum effort. From Japan, no less.

Basically this is designed to count bites. But I think it’s maximum embarrassment with minimum effort. From Japan, no less.

60. Baby Hjolster

Because in Texas, carrying a baby has to be like carrying a gun: from the hip. Seriously, why? It's stupid.

Because in Texas, carrying a baby has to be like carrying a gun: from the hip. Seriously, why? It’s stupid.

61. The Boob Hat

Inspired by the mother's breasts and the father's NFL beer hat, this is supposed to feed an active baby or toddler without disrupting their lifestyles. However, has the unfortunate side effect of making your little one look like a complete idiot.

Inspired by the mother’s breasts and the father’s NFL beer hat, this is supposed to feed an active baby or toddler without disrupting their lifestyles. However, has the unfortunate side effect of making your little one look like a complete idiot.

62. Colemom 1.5 Person Wearable Breastfeeding Tent

Good News: Will keep moms away from cops asking them to cover up while breastfeeding in public. Bad News: Force moms to sacrifice their dignity upon feeding baby.

Good News: Will keep moms away from cops asking them to cover up while breastfeeding in public.
Bad News: Force moms to sacrifice their dignity upon feeding baby.

63. Mr. Milker Breastfeeding Vest for Men

Now I may be for gender equality and gay marriage as much as anyone, but I believe God created men and women as anatomically different for a reason. Seriously, the concept behind this is just very wrong. Besides, the idea that breastfeeding is the only way you can bond with your baby is just plain sexist.

Now I may be for gender equality and gay marriage as much as anyone, but I believe God created men and women as anatomically different for a reason. Seriously, the concept behind this is just very wrong. Besides, the idea that breastfeeding is the only way you can bond with your baby is just plain sexist.

64. The Baby Cage

Hey, stupid baby products aren't just limited to the 21st century. When your grandparents were young, many of them were suspended over their family's apartment windows with these. It's a wonder how many of them managed to survive childhood without needing therapy.

Hey, stupid baby products aren’t just limited to the 21st century. When your grandparents were young, many of them were suspended over their family’s apartment windows with these. It’s a wonder how many of them managed to survive childhood without needing therapy.

65. Ice Skating Baby Holder

Another vintage baby product that makes the baby cage seem reasonable. Still, if mommy and daddy want to go ice skating, why can't they just leave baby with a sitter or grandparents? Seriously, think about the baby's safety here!

Another vintage baby product that makes the baby cage seem reasonable. Still, if mommy and daddy want to go ice skating, why can’t they just leave baby with a sitter or grandparents? Seriously, think about the baby’s safety here!

66. Bottle Sling

I don't know about you, but this seems like an all around formula disaster waiting to happen. Seriously, why does this even exist?

I don’t know about you, but this seems like an all around formula disaster waiting to happen. Seriously, why does this even exist?

67. Bathtub Divider

I'm sure plenty of parents bathed their babies just fine without one. Seriously, they have baby bathtubs available. Why can't parents just use that?

I’m sure plenty of parents bathed their babies just fine without one. Seriously, they have baby bathtubs available. Why can’t parents just use that?

68. Sun Smarties Swimwear

These suits are meant to protect babies and toddlers from sunburn. Still, sunscreen was invented like 100 years ago, so parents don't have to dress their little ones at the beach with "My Very First Haz Mat Suit." Yes, nothing says "fun in the sun" like a uranium leak that's going to give your future grandchildren 3 heads.

These suits are meant to protect babies and toddlers from sunburn. Still, sunscreen was invented like 100 years ago, so parents don’t have to dress their little ones at the beach with “My Very First Haz Mat Suit.” Yes, nothing says “fun in the sun” like a uranium leak that’s going to give your future grandchildren 3 heads.

69. Safety Trampoline

A kind of trampoline for your child minus the terrible injuries or fun. Seriously, if you kid thinks holding a bar while jumping repeatedly is fun, you might need to reconsider their sugar intake.

A kind of trampoline for your child minus the terrible injuries or fun. Seriously, if you kid thinks holding a bar while jumping repeatedly in place is fun, you might need to reconsider their sugar intake.

70. Time Out Pad

Now this is supposed to turn a common parental punishment into a fun game with sound effects and lights. Seriously, small children have no concept of time and time out isn't supposed to be fun.

Now this is supposed to turn a common parental punishment into a fun game with sound effects and lights. Seriously, small children have no concept of time and time out isn’t supposed to be fun.

71. Lil’ Chompers

Just because babies are born without teeth, doesn't mean you should buy dentures for them. The teeth will come before you know it, like in seven months. These just make your baby look freaky.

Just because babies are born without teeth, doesn’t mean you should buy dentures for them. The teeth will come before you know it, like in seven months. These just make your baby look freaky.

72. Nurse Me Tender

Just because you can't breastfeed, doesn't mean you should use this to feed your baby. Why else do we have baby formula or bottles? Seriously, why does this exist?

Just because you can’t breastfeed, doesn’t mean you should use this to feed your baby. Why else do we have baby formula or bottles? Seriously, why does this exist?

73. Toddler Tracker

Because toddlers tend to wander off, here's a surveillance device in order to know where they are. Let's hope it can't be detached by kidnappers. Still, if you feel that your kid needs a tracker, what does it say about your parenting skills?

Because toddlers tend to wander off, here’s a surveillance device in order to know where they are. Let’s hope it can’t be detached by kidnappers. Still, if you feel that your kid needs a tracker, what does it say about your parenting skills?

74. Wipe Warmer

I know these are supposed to keep wipes warm. However, a non-warm wipe will do just fine. So why waste your hard earned cash on this stupid thing?

I know these are supposed to keep wipes warm. However, a non-warm wipe will do just fine. So why waste your hard earned cash on this stupid thing?

75. Bling Binky

A diamond studded pacifier? For the love of God! Seriously, you can get a pacifier cheap at any store. So there's no reason why parents should spend hundreds of dollars on a stupid binky.

A diamond studded pacifier? For the love of God! Seriously, you can get a pacifier cheap at any store. So there’s no reason why parents should spend hundreds of dollars on a stupid binky.

76. Baby-Q Ribs

Just because your baby is teething doesn't mean it's time to teach them how to eat some baby back ribs. Seriously, BBQ ribs are for grown-ups.

Just because your baby is teething doesn’t mean it’s time to teach them how to eat some baby back ribs. Seriously, BBQ ribs are for grown-ups.

77. The Nuroo Pocket Babywearing Shirt

This is supposed to make mothers look good as they have a baby down her shirt. However, to me, this just looks freaky.

This is supposed to make mothers look good as they have a baby down her shirt. However, to me, this just looks freaky.

78. Pacifier Wipes

You can easily wash pacifiers in the dishwasher or with soap and water. Like my parents did. So why to these even exist I'll never know.

You can easily wash pacifiers in the dishwasher or with soap and water. Like my parents did. So why to these even exist I’ll never know.

79. Baby Whirpool Spa

I'm sure this is as expensive as hell and totally unnecessary. Seriously, your baby can go without jetted water or a spa tub for that matter.

I’m sure this is as expensive as hell and totally unnecessary. Seriously, your baby can go without jetted water or a spa tub for that matter.

80. Formula Mixer

I'm sure there's a cheaper gizmo that will mix baby formula just as well. You may have heard of it. It's called a spoon.

I’m sure there’s a cheaper gizmo that will mix baby formula just as well. You may have heard of it. It’s called a spoon.

Father’s Day Gifts Your Dad Doesn’t Want

Me with my father and sister at my sister's high school graduation in 2011.

Me with my dad and sister at my sister’s high school graduation in June of 2011.

I know Father’s Day won’t be around for another month or two but it doesn’t hurt to plan early, assuming he’s still alive and you’re on good terms with him. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to think about buying something for the father of your kids, too, assuming that you know who he is and whether he’s a man deserving of such honor. Still, fathers aren’t as prized as mothers since they their biological contributions to their children doesn’t take as much time and investment as mothers, typically don’t take much investment in raising the kid, usually stop living with their children in divorce cases, tend to commit more crimes against their families as far as official records show, and in some cases aren’t called jerks if they tend to neglect their family for their career ambitions. Furthermore, the idea of American masculinity doesn’t seem to jive well with parenting at times, especially when it comes to being more nurturing. Not to mention, fathers can be portrayed as hopeless with housework or complete idiots. Nevertheless, the kind working fathers who stay with their families should receive paid paternity leave because even though they’re not popping out babies, they certainly could use a break for everything they do. And sure, while fathers are typically seen as providers and protectors, they also need to be seen as nurturers willing to do whatever it takes to make sure their kids become well-adjusted human beings. And other than moms, dads tend to have a big influence on their children’s lives whether they like it or not. Of course, like Mother’s Day it’s also seething with commercialism but not to the same degree, save maybe with the funny card department as well as with certain stores and departments that cater toward men. Now I can go on and on about great gifts you should bestow on your dear old dad. But since it will be boring, I’ll focus on stuff that will make your pops clutch at his heart upon revelation that you’ll have to call 911 to send him to a hospital. Now I’m not talking about “World’s Greatest Dad” mugs and what not. I’m talking about stuff that’s more unusual. So without further adieu, I give you an assortment of gifts that certainly not please your old man. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

1. Handyman Tool Belt Lounge Pants

Basically this is for the dad who would like to see himself as a handyman but is too busy being a couch potato. Also, the tools are fake and these are sweatpants.

Basically this is for the dad who would like to see himself as a handyman but is too busy being a couch potato. Also, the tools are fake and these are sweatpants. Best for watching reruns of This Old House.

2. Toilet Mug

Just because your dad enjoys toilet jokes doesn't mean he wants to drink his coffee from one in the morning. Seriously, he'd totally wouldn't want to be seen with this.

Just because your dad enjoys toilet jokes doesn’t mean he wants to drink his coffee from one in the morning. Seriously, he’d totally wouldn’t want to be seen with this.

3. BBQ Big Boy

Even if your dad is Steven Raichlen of BBQ U and Primal Grill, this would make a very terrible Father's Day gift. Unless, of course, he's a grilling enthusiast currently in a fraternity. But even then, such a Father's Day gift would be awkward but for different reasons.

Even if your dad is Steven Raichlen of BBQ U and Primal Grill (as well as possibly the manliest cook on public television), this would make a very terrible Father’s Day gift. Unless, of course, he’s a grilling enthusiast currently in a fraternity. But even then, such a Father’s Day gift would be awkward but for different reasons.

4. 52 Things Kids Need from a Dad by Jay Payleitner

From Cosmo: "Add some real bite by tabbing individual pages that illustrate his fatherly shortcomings and make sure to annotate with specific examples from your childhood." Still, you're much better off giving him a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and rubbing it in your face that he'll measure up to Atticus Finch.

From Cosmo: “Add some real bite by tabbing individual pages that illustrate his fatherly shortcomings and make sure to annotate with specific examples from your childhood.” Still, you’re much better off giving him a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and rubbing it in your face that he’ll measure up to Atticus Finch.

5. Bill Cosby Sweater

For those who know what's been going on with Bill Cosby lately, you can see why this is no longer a great gift idea. Seriously, in this day in age what was once seen as, "loveable dad" could immediately transform into, "serial rapist" very quickly.

For those who know what’s been going on with Bill Cosby lately, you can see why this is no longer a great gift idea. Seriously, in this day in age what was once seen as, “loveable dad” could immediately transform into, “serial rapist” very quickly.

6. Emergency Underwear Dispenser

Now your dad has an embarrassing place to put his equally embarrassing tidy whiteys. Also, if he gets upset, you can tell him the diaper dispenser was on back order.

Now your dad has an embarrassing place to put his equally embarrassing tidy whiteys. Also, if he gets upset, you can tell him the diaper dispenser was on back order.

7. Wiener Roasters

For the dad who loves to grill and possesses no sense of taste. Seriously, I'm not sure if my dad would want to be caught dead roasting hotdogs from these.

For the dad who loves to grill and possesses no sense of taste. Seriously, I’m not sure if my dad would want to be caught dead roasting hotdogs from these.

8. Eagle Claw Portable Potty

From Farm and Fleet: "Carrying a “potty” in your pocket is not a good idea no matter how clever they think it might be!" Yes, this is basically "Go Girl" for men.

From Farm and Fleet: “Carrying a “potty” in your pocket is not a good idea no matter how clever they think it might be!” Yes, this is basically “Go Girl” for men.

9. Waxvac Ear Cleaner

There are more polite ways of telling your father that he's losing his hearing. And I'm sure hearing loss isn't always caused by wax buildup.

There are more polite ways of telling your father that he’s losing his hearing. And I’m sure hearing loss isn’t always caused by wax buildup.

10. RELIANCE Luggable Loo Portable Camping Toilet

From Farm and Fleet: "Could you imagine dad lugging this into a movie theater on family movie night? It doesn’t matter if the movie theater adds claim “So comfortable, you’ll feel like you’re watching a movie in the comfort of your own home”."  Of course, he could just as well use the facilities already available at any venue anyway, campground or not.

From Farm and Fleet: “Could you imagine dad lugging this into a movie theater on family movie night? It doesn’t matter if the movie theater adds claim “So comfortable, you’ll feel like you’re watching a movie in the comfort of your own home”.” Of course, he could just as well use the facilities already available at any venue anyway, campground or not.

11. Borat Mankini

If it looked bad on Borat, it will certainly look terrible on your dad. To quote my dad,  just say, "no way in hell," on this one.

If it looked bad on Borat, it will certainly look terrible on your dad. To quote my dad, just say, “no way in hell,” on this one.

12. The Slim & Lift Undershirt for Men

Otherwise known as "Spanx for Dudes."  Basically, this says, "take this gift to hide your fat" to your beer bellied old man even if he's about 6 feet tall and weighs 180 pounds.

Otherwise known as “Spanx for Dudes.” Basically, this says, “take this gift to hide your fat” to your beer bellied old man even if he’s about 6 feet tall and weighs 180 pounds. Yeah, I’m sure your dad wouldn’t appreciate this.

13. Bedbug Sleeping Cocoon

Dad infested with bedbugs? Does he lay down with dogs and ends up with fleas? For $79, your dad will be safe from re-infesting himself even if he's an ireedemable slob who slums in bug infested beds.

Dad infested with bedbugs? Does he lay down with dogs and ends up with fleas? For $79, your dad will be safe from re-infesting himself even if he’s an irredeemable slob who slums in bug infested beds.

14. Beer Belly

Before getting this ask yourself these questions: 1. Does Dad have drinking problem?, 2. Is Dad very self-conscious about his waistline?, and 3. Will people find it awkward that Dad sips from a straw out of his shirt? Then again, this is probably a pretty bad idea.

Before getting this ask yourself these questions: 1. Does Dad have drinking problem?, 2. Is Dad very self-conscious about his waistline?, and 3. Will people find it awkward that Dad sips from a straw out of his shirt? Then again, this is probably a pretty bad idea.

15. Beer Belt

For dads who love beer and hate getting a refill. Can hold cans or bottles. Nevertheless, should you really be encouraging your dad to drink a circumference of beer? Certainly not.

For dads who love beer and hate getting a refill. Can hold cans or bottles. Nevertheless, should you really be encouraging your dad to drink a circumference of beer? Certainly not, especially if he might have a drinking problem.

16. Cruzin Cooler

Does your dad hate walking but love cold beverages like beer? If so,  with this your dad can enjoy a beer while cruising along at up to 10 miles on electric models. Of course, this will also lead your dad embarrassing you at sporting events as well as hunting and fishing trips. However, my dad would rather have a cooler he can load up in a trunk with groceries. I'm sure he wouldn't get much use from this.

Does your dad hate walking but love cold beverages like beer? If so, with this your dad can enjoy a beer while cruising along at up to 10 miles on electric models. Of course, this will also lead your dad embarrassing you at sporting events as well as hunting and fishing trips. However, my dad would rather have a cooler he can load up in a trunk with groceries. I’m sure he wouldn’t get much use from this since I’m positive Aldi’s wouldn’t let him in with one.

17. Beer Soap

Now these come in scents like Stout, Black Ale, Porter, and Wild Lager. Nevertheless, would you want your dad emerge from the shower smelling like he's just come out of a bar? Think about it.

Now these come in scents like Stout, Black Ale, Porter, and Wild Lager. Nevertheless, would you want your dad emerge from the shower smelling like he’s just come out of a bar? Think about it.

18. Chest Hair Toupee

And I thought regular head toupees are stupid. If your dad sports a hairless chest, why don't you just encourage him to embrace it? Seriously, why does this thing even exist?

And I thought regular head toupees are stupid. If your dad sports a hairless chest, why don’t you just encourage him to embrace it? Seriously, why does this thing even exist?

19. Denim Underwear

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "Maybe instead of the “Sex for Dummies” book you can spice up your love life with a pair of these…and why not? Men buy women lingerie all the time!  Or maybe the father of your children likes to go commando in jeans. OR maybe you can’t afford a vasectomy and you’re tired of the man fathering children with you. These denim wonders are sperm killers fo’ sho!" Yeah, I'm sure those underpants would be a hit if he wore them to a gay bar, not that there's anything wrong with that. Then again, I'm sure nobody would even want their gay dad in these.

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Maybe instead of the “Sex for Dummies” book you can spice up your love life with a pair of these…and why not? Men buy women lingerie all the time! Or maybe the father of your children likes to go commando in jeans. OR maybe you can’t afford a vasectomy and you’re tired of the man fathering children with you. These denim wonders are sperm killers fo’ sho!” Yeah, I’m sure those underpants would be a hit if he wore them to a gay bar, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Then again, I’m sure nobody would even want their gay dad in these.

20. TEMPTOOTH Do-It-Yourself Tooth Replacement

Just because there's a DIY tooth replacement kit out there, doesn't mean it's a great gift for Father's Day. In fact, any kit of DIY dentistry is a really bad idea. Still, Stu from The Hangover could've used one of these.

Just because there’s a DIY tooth replacement kit out there, doesn’t mean it’s a great gift for Father’s Day. In fact, any kit of DIY dentistry is a really bad idea. Still, Stu from The Hangover could’ve used one of these.

21. Swashbuckling BBQ Sword

Let's face it, nobody wants to see a fencing match with BBQ implements. Seriously, sword + BBQ = potential for disaster.

Let’s face it, nobody wants to see a fencing match with BBQ implements. Seriously, sword + BBQ = potential for disaster.

22. Inflatable Unicorn Horn

To be fair, if it was stupid enough to get one for your cat, just imagine how stupid your dad will look in one of these. Still, sure to make him a hit at the retirement home.

To be fair, if it was stupid enough to get one for your cat, just imagine how stupid your dad will look in one of these. Still, sure to make him a hit at the retirement home.

23. The Daddle

For the dad who can give horsey rides and not give a shit about his dignity. Not appropriate for toddlers trained in the English Father Riding Method. So don't use it for father jumping, father fox hunting, father polo, or daddy dressage.

For the dad who can give horsey rides and not give a shit about his dignity. Not appropriate for toddlers trained in the English Father Riding Method. So don’t use it for father jumping, father fox hunting, father polo, or daddy dressage.

24. Handerpants – Underpants for Your Hands

Because skidmarks aren't just from your ass anymore. Still, underwear for your hands? I'm sure these are of the tidy whitey variety. As if tidy whiteys aren't embarrassing enough for men to wear under their pants already.

Because skidmarks aren’t just from your ass anymore. Still, underwear for your hands? I’m sure these are of the tidy whitey variety. As if tidy whiteys aren’t embarrassing enough for men to wear under their pants already.

25. Flair Hair Visors, Bandanas, and accessories

Of course, these come in a variety of different styles such as the Guy Fieri, the 1980s Lynyrd Skynyrd fan, the Biker, the Bedhead, and the Guy from Trailer Park. There are alot on their website, including one with dreadlocks (which I'm not kidding about by the way). Still, he's probably better off without one.

Of course, these come in a variety of different styles such as the Guy Fieri, the 1980s Lynyrd Skynyrd fan, the Biker, the Bedhead, and the Guy from Trailer Park. There are alot on their website, including one with dreadlocks (which I’m not kidding about by the way). Still, he’s probably better off without one.

26. Glam Rock Men’s Underwear

From France with just $59-$90, your dad can channel his old favorite glam rock musician by wearing what you might've found in David Bowie's underwear drawer during his 1970s Ziggy Stardust phase. Yeah, I'm sure these will make any guy seem like a pinnacle of manliness (sarcasm).

From France with just $59-$90, your dad can channel his old favorite glam rock musician by wearing what you might’ve found in David Bowie’s underwear drawer during his 1970s Ziggy Stardust phase. Yeah, I’m sure these will make any guy seem like a pinnacle of manliness (sarcasm).

27. Grill Sergeant Apron

This apron comes with room for all the grilling essentials such as grill tools, condiments, and beer cans. Because when your dad goes to grill, he needs to be prepared for anything.  I'm sure this would make Steven Raichlen jealous.

This apron comes with room for all the grilling essentials such as grill tools, condiments, and beer cans. Because when your dad goes to grill, he needs to be prepared for anything. I’m sure this would make Steven Raichlen jealous.

28. Head Spa

Unless your dad likes head massages and looking somewhat of a human cyborg, you should probably not get him this. Seriously, this partial Robocop helmet would make him look utterly ridiculous.

Unless your dad likes head massages and looking somewhat of a human cyborg, you should probably not get him this. Seriously, this partial Robocop helmet would make him look utterly ridiculous.

29. Head and Eye Massager

With a $200 contribution to Skymall, you can help dad relax, unwind, and look like he's ready to fight an intergalactic battle with this contraption! Of course, he'll probably be disappointed that this isn't a virtual reality headset and controller.

With a $200 contribution to Skymall, you can help dad relax, unwind, and look like he’s ready to fight an intergalactic battle with this contraption! Of course, he’ll probably be disappointed that this isn’t a virtual reality headset and controller, especially if he’s Bill Gates.

30. Knight Sweatshirt

With just $225, this will make your dad as comfortable as he is brave as well as part of the King's Guard. Will also make him look like an idiot at home as well as at your local Renaissance  Fair or Game of Thrones convention.

With just $225, this will make your dad as comfortable as he is brave as well as part of the King’s Guard. Will also make him look like an idiot at home as well as at your local Renaissance Fair or Game of Thrones convention.

31. Japanese Foam Women’s Legs Pillow

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: "Does the man in your life have separation anxiety? Whenever you’re away from him does he have trouble sleeping?  If you can’t be there to put him to bed each night, I’ve found the next best thing!" Yeah, but if he's your dad, you might want to think twice about buying this.

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Does the man in your life have separation anxiety? Whenever you’re away from him does he have trouble sleeping? If you can’t be there to put him to bed each night, I’ve found the next best thing!” Yeah, but if he’s your dad, you might want to think twice about buying this.

32. Kiss Hankie

Now this is the kind of gift that might end your parents' marriage on Father's Day, assuming that your dad isn't "hiking the Appalachian Trail" that weekend (I'm talking to you former governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina who spent Father's Day with a mistress in Argentina and didn't tell anyone).

Now this is the kind of gift that might end your parents’ marriage on Father’s Day, assuming that your dad isn’t “hiking the Appalachian Trail” that weekend (I’m talking to you former governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina who spent Father’s Day with a mistress in Argentina and didn’t tell anyone).

33. Kleen Stride Shoes Personal Debris Removal System

Because if he can walk, he can clean. Comes with attachable rake and plow, which are sold separately.

Because if he can walk, he can clean. Comes with attachable rake and plow, which are sold separately.

34. Shittens

Want your dad to be as sanitary as possible? Then these Shittens will bring the joy of hand cleaning his ass without all the crappy contamination.  Great for changing diapers.

Want your dad to be as sanitary as possible? Then these Shittens will bring the joy of hand cleaning his ass without all the crappy contamination. Great for changing diapers.

35. The Man Can

This include everything a man needs to go soft like Fisherman’s Hand Butter, Fisherman’s Scrub Soap, Spicy Shave Gel, Bay Rum After Shower Oil, and a body mitt. I mean a bath set is what you give your mom when you don't know what else to buy her, so why not get one for your dad? Yeah, I'm sure he'll really take to that (sarcasm).

This include everything a man needs to go soft like Fisherman’s Hand Butter, Fisherman’s Scrub Soap, Spicy Shave Gel, Bay Rum After Shower Oil, and a body mitt. I mean a bath set is what you give your mom when you don’t know what else to buy her, so why not get one for your dad? Yeah, I’m sure he’ll really take to that (sarcasm).

36. Meggings

Leggings tend to walk a fine line between tights and pants, so why should women be the ones pushing boundaries of appropriate apparel? Great for hipster dads or any father who doesn't give a flying fashion statement. Still, gives him the opportunity to channel male icons like David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, George Michael, and Elton John.

Leggings tend to walk a fine line between tights and pants, so why should women be the ones pushing boundaries of appropriate apparel? Great for hipster dads or any father who doesn’t give a flying fashion statement. Still, gives him the opportunity to channel male icons like David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, George Michael, Mick Jagger, Michael Jackson, and Elton John.

37. Play Mat Tee Shirt for Men

For $22, this shirt gives dad a back rub as well as fosters a bond between him and his children. Hope the kiddies aren't playing with Legos, though.

For $22, this shirt gives dad a back rub as well as fosters a bond between him and his children. Hope the kiddies aren’t playing with Legos, though.

38. Shakoolie

Showering can really get in the way of enjoying a cold beer. But with this shower beer holder, it doesn't have to be that way anymore. Of course, let's hope that soapy water doesn't get in the beer though.

Showering can really get in the way of enjoying a cold beer. But with this shower beer holder, it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. Of course, let’s hope that soapy water doesn’t get in the beer though.

39. Reef Men’s Fanning Sandal

These sandals have a hidden bottle opener in the middle of the sole. So if you want to see your dad open a bottle with his shoe, you shouldn't get this. Seriously, that's gross.

These sandals have a hidden bottle opener in the middle of the sole. So if you want to see your dad open a bottle with his shoe, you shouldn’t get this. Seriously, that’s gross.

40. Shouting Vase

For $66, you ill tempered dad can take out all his anger and frustrations while unintentionally entertaining your friends. Let's hope they have these in toddler size.

For $66, you ill tempered dad can take out all his anger and frustrations while unintentionally entertaining your friends. Let’s hope they have these in toddler size.

41. World’s Greatest Dad Darth Vader T-Shirt

So this means that being a great dad basically means locking up your daughter for termination, blowing up her planet, freezing her boyfriend in carbonite for Jabba the Hutt via Boba Fett, cutting off your son’s hand, and asking him to join the family business or face death?  I’m sorry, but if you think that Darth Vader is the World’s Greatest dad, your attitude toward parenting must squarely fall on the Dark Side.

42. A trip to Paradise Valley.

Now I’m sure that the guys at Paradise Valley said, “Dad” in the context of “father of your children” such as wives wanting to give their husbands something while somebody watching the kiddies. However, this ad really has a real creepy incest subtext that might remind you of either Greek tragedies or Game of Thrones. A perfect Father’s Day gift for Noah Cross.

43. A 3-Wheeled Riding Mower

Now this is the kind of gift that will basically telling Dad that the grass needs cut and he should really lose a few. Let's just say, my dad is more likely to stick to his Cub Cadet.

Now this is the kind of gift that will basically telling Dad that the grass needs cut and he should really lose a few. Let’s just say, my dad is more likely to stick to his Cub Cadet.

44. Man Candles

These are scented candles for men that come in aromas like bacon,pizza, popcorn, sawdust, and farts. Still, even if my dad likes those smells, he’d hate this gift simple because he hates candles in general. They give him migraines.

45. Gold Man Home Urinal

From Huffington Post: "This product is supposed to prevent messy toilet seats, but you still have to wash it (which it recommends you do using the shower). Wouldn't it be easier to just clean the regular toilet, or even pee in the shower? Yes. Yes it would."

From Huffington Post: “This product is supposed to prevent messy toilet seats, but you still have to wash it (which it recommends you do using the shower). Wouldn’t it be easier to just clean the regular toilet, or even pee in the shower? Yes. Yes it would.”

46. Potty Putter Golf Green

So this basically lets your dad practicing his hole in one while he's doing a no. 2. Now walking in on your dad in the bathroom has just become a whole lot more awkward.

So this basically lets your dad practicing his hole in one while he’s doing a no. 2. Now walking in on your dad in the bathroom has just become a whole lot more awkward.

47. Mantyhose

If you thought Meggings were silly enough, you have Mantyhose, which are pantyhose for men. Of course, before these, Lord knows what kind of stockings transvestites used.

If you thought Meggings were silly enough, you have Mantyhose, which are pantyhose for men. Of course, before these, Lord knows what kind of stockings transvestites used.

48. UroClub – Golf Club Urination Device

From Huffington Post: "We get that there are no bathrooms on a golf course, so relieving yourself can be a little complicated. But this? It's a urine receptacle shaped like a golf club, complete with a "privacy shield" towel that's really an unconvincing loin cloth. All of a sudden peeing behind a bush seems so much more sophisticated."

From Huffington Post: “We get that there are no bathrooms on a golf course, so relieving yourself can be a little complicated. But this? It’s a urine receptacle shaped like a golf club, complete with a “privacy shield” towel that’s really an unconvincing loin cloth. All of a sudden peeing behind a bush seems so much more sophisticated.”

49. Men’s Underwear Repair Kit

With this your dad won't have to worry about wearing out his underwear again. You know what's cheaper way to handle worn out underwear? Buying him a new pack of underwear.

With this your dad won’t have to worry about wearing out his underwear again. You know what’s cheaper way to handle worn out underwear? Buying him a new pack of underwear.

50. Spray – On Hair

Dad worried about his growing bald spot? This spray on hair will do the trick. Spray it on and no one will know (yeah right). Nevertheless, this guy isn't fooling anybody.

Dad worried about his growing bald spot? This spray on hair will do the trick. Spray it on and no one will know (yeah right). Nevertheless, this guy isn’t fooling anybody.

51. Men’s Brassiere

You know you've heard of this as either a "bro" or a "mansiere" from Seinfeld. Well, thanks to the Japanese, you can totally get one for your dad. But that doesn't necessarily mean you should. Yeah, I'm not sure what the Japanese are on to come up with such products. Also, comes in pink.

You know you’ve heard of this as either a “bro” or a “mansiere” from Seinfeld. Well, thanks to the Japanese, you can totally get one for your dad. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you should. Yeah, I’m not sure what the Japanese are on to come up with such products. Also, comes in pink.

52. Que Eau de Barbecue

Just because you love your dad and baby back ribs, doesn't mean you should buy him barbecue scented cologne. I mean why would you want cologne that smells like you've just came from the grill? Seriously, who comes up with this shit?

Just because you love your dad and baby back ribs, doesn’t mean you should buy him barbecue scented cologne. I mean why would you want cologne that smells like you’ve just came from the grill? Seriously, who comes up with this shit?

53. Finger Nose Hair Trimmer

Now nose hair trimmers make horrible gifts for Father's Day. But this one's shaped like a finger which makes it even more disgusting. Yeah, I'm sure your dad will certainly appreciate this (not).

Now nose hair trimmers make horrible gifts for Father’s Day. But this one’s shaped like a finger which makes it even more disgusting. Yeah, I’m sure your dad will certainly appreciate this (not).

54. Laser Portrait Paperweight

Sure this might seem like a good idea at the time. But blasting a creepy laser portrait of yourself into a glass paperweight just adds insult to injury.

Sure this might seem like a good idea at the time. But blasting a creepy laser portrait of yourself into a glass paperweight just adds insult to injury.

55. Breathalyzer Keychain

I'm sure giving your dad a breathalyzer keychain is a very subtle way to tell him that he has a drinking problem. Perhaps if your considering giving your dad this, it's probably time for an intervention.

I’m sure giving your dad a breathalyzer keychain is a very subtle way to tell him that he has a drinking problem. Perhaps if your considering giving your dad this, it’s probably time for an intervention.

56. IGrow Laser Helmet

This is supposed to be a helmet that increases hair growth by shooting laser beams through the scalp and costs $695. Not sure if it works, but it will surely make your dad look ridiculous when he's wearing it. Yeah, $695 is totally not worth it.

This is supposed to be a helmet that increases hair growth by shooting laser beams through the scalp and costs $695. Not sure if it works, but it will surely make your dad look ridiculous when he’s wearing it. Yeah, $695 is totally not worth it.

57. Leggy End Table

Good: Would make a fine addition for the Christmas Story Leg Lamp you bought him for Christmas. Bad: Makes a very inappropriate living room decoration.

Good: Would make a fine addition for the Christmas Story Leg Lamp you bought him for Christmas.
Bad: Makes a very inappropriate living room decoration.

58. Tattoupees

Snazz up your dad's chrome dome with an assortment of head tattoos. That will help him embrace his baldness.

Snazz up your dad’s chrome dome with an assortment of head tattoos. That will help him embrace his baldness.

59. Upright Sleeper

Dad always nodding off? Always waking up finding himself on a stranger's shoulder or face down on the floor? Well, this Upright Sleeper is totally not the awkward way to sleep on the go (sarcasm).

Dad always nodding off? Always waking up finding himself on a stranger’s shoulder or face down on the floor? Well, this Upright Sleeper is totally not the awkward way to sleep on the go (sarcasm).

60. Wearable Sleeping Bag

Want your dad to lay down whenever possible?  Well, this will make him sleep like a baby, no matter where he is. Of course, it'll also make him look utterly ridiculous in public. Yeah, you might have some explaining to do.

Want your dad to lay down whenever possible? Well, this will make him sleep like a baby, no matter where he is. Of course, it’ll also make him look utterly ridiculous in public. Yeah, you might have some explaining to do.