This is me and my sister Molly in a Richmond restaurant during mid-December 2015. My parents and I were there for her graduation from VCU. Now she lives in Charlotte.
Christmas has always been a time for family and cherished memories. But unlike what you might see in the saccharine Hallmark movies that I try to avoid, life doesn’t always go that way. The big city career woman may go back to her hometown. But it’s very unlikely that she’ll meet a rugged man she’ll fall for, save a local Christmas tradition, and ditch her big city career and boyfriend for that guy. More likely, she’ll probably find people who never left her hometown hanging out at the local bar, some of them addicted to drugs, drinking like fishes, stuck in some low-income job, and/or dealing with some family dysfunction. The hunky guy she meets will probably be her ex she ditched for some good reason and he won’t be a hunk. There probably won’t be some Christmas tradition that needs saving. And she’ll definitely not ditch her whole life and move back to her hometown because women don’t do these things without much forethought. Or she’ll move back, settle down with the guy, and take a longer commute to work. Anyway for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of awkward family Christmas photos. Enjoy.
- This year, these workers lay on top of each other.
Indeed, they all smile in their Christmas glory. Though I don’t think you’d want to be the woman on the bottom.
2. Apparently, this dad doesn’t know how to hold his kid.
For God’s sake man, don’t hold the baby that way. That just looks like you’re asking to be put on a sex offender list.
3. When everyone blinks at the camera at the same time.
Then again, that might be part of the act. But it still seems pretty weird if you ask me.
4. Guess this Christmas dinner didn’t go well.
Oh, there’s a hole in the wall. No wonder Christmas dinner sucked this year. The Griswolds these are not.
5. Someone’s obviously not going for the holiday cheer.
Greta stood with her arms cross giving an eye of disapproval to her embarrassing parents. Knowing that she’ll be the class laughingstock if anyone from school saw this picture.
6. Unfortunately, Dad had been involved in a horrible accident this year.
Let’s hope he didn’t fall off the roof while putting up Christmas lights. Because that would be pretty embarrassing as those shorts he’s wearing.
7. “Here’s your Christmas present, Lindsey.”
Let’s hope it’s a new pair of jeans. Because she seems to have busted the ones she has on. Also, the guy’s wearing shorts.
8. Sledding in a winter wonderland.
Looks like Dad’s acid is kicking in. The look on his face makes him seem like he’s tripping balls.
9. Merry Christmas from the 1980s.
Boy looks like he doesn’t want his friends to know that his dad’s got a mullet. And he’s thinking why can’t he have a less tacky haircut like all the other dads.
10. “Smile for the camera.”
Apparently, some of these people aren’t smiling. Or smiling rather awkwardly like they’re posing for a school group photo. Yes, you can go through a lot of takes with that.
11. Unfortunately, photoshop wasn’t invented yet.
Since someone has their hand out in this photo. Surely the studio could’ve just edited out.
12. When family drama becomes too much.
Apparently, you’ll see people retreating to the stairwell at many Christmas gatherings this year. Particularly when Donald Trump’s impeachment comes up.
13. Maybe a large group picture with Santa was a bad idea.
This is especially if some kids are crying. Still, you have to admire Santa taking it in stride.
14. Getting kids to pose for a Christmas card photo must be tough.
These kids are supposed to sit lined against each other. But none of them want to smile for the camera.
15. No, Santa, that’s not how you hold a baby.
Seriously, holding a baby by the lower chest just makes you look like a creep. For God’s sake, didn’t they teach you that in Santa school?
16. When you didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas.
One boy’s crying his eyes out that he didn’t get the new Superman action figure. His younger brother puts his arms around his back.
17. When everyone in your family has the same hairstyle as you.
Or have to pose for a photo you really didn’t want to be in. Got to feel for the guy in front staring at the camera.
18. Is this family fun time or a hostage situation?
“Lexie, I don’t care if you hate Christmas music or not. You will sing carols with us and you will like it.”
19. “A deer leg? Just what I always wanted.”
“Yes, Judy, it’s from that mother doe I shot earlier this month when we had that snow. Not sure where the fawn went.”
20. The more kids you have, the more you can use them for crazy photo ops like this.
“Now, kids, I’d like you to form a human pyramid while I put lights around you. Tommy can hold the star on his forehead.”
21. When you want a nice wholesome family photo but everyone’s goofing off.
The dad’s like, “What’s so funny? Why are Karen and Debbie laughing? What’s going on here?”
22. “You want to include the goat in the picture?”
Yes, there’s a goat in here. The woman has a kid on her lap. The guy’s obviously kind of aghast at as if it was a last minute thing.
23. When you’re forced to pose in a photo with your sibling and in a similar outfit.
And they’re in ugly sweaters, too. Guess some things never change when you grow up.
24. Am I seeing double or what?
Well, this depicts 2 guys who are probably brothers wearing the same outfit, and enjoying some quality time with a cat. But one guy isn’t thrilled with the idea.
25. When your humans put you through a humiliating photo op for the Christmas card.
Dog is like, “Kill me now.” Funny, how this couple’s actually from Pittsburgh. From what I can tell by the Steelers collar.
26. The family that smokes together stays together.
Of course, a third of that family’s already dead. Due to lung cancer. Because smoking kills folks. Also, that kid with the cigarette really makes his parents look bad.
27. Rudolph, the Red-Nosed-giant hedgehog?
It’s probably their pet photoshopped in. Because there’s no way in hell that a hedgehog could pull a sleigh. Let alone fly one.
28. When even the dog has to pose in the same holiday sweater.
The woman’s like, “Is this really necessary? I understand us wearing the sweaters. But did we really have to have the dog wear one? Kind of ridiculous.”
29. “This year we decided to announce that Scotty’s joined the gymnastics team.”
How else could the son pose in his leotard? Still, got to see the father’s shiny legs. Apparently they’re a thing in the Southwest.
30. Kids don’t understand hand gestures, I guess.
And little Tony just flipped the bird at Santa. Probably has no idea what it means whatsoever.
31. In the Valley of the Dolls…literally.
“I don’t want to go in there, Mommy. Those dolls scare me. Please don’t let them murder me.”
32. “Am I the only one to think dressing for the Christmas card was a bad idea?”
You can see the Christmas tree doesn’t seem too thrilled being dressed like that. Probably knows he’ll be beat up in school if the picture goes out.
33. You’d think this was the family from We Bought a Zoo.
It’s not. But they seem to have a lot of pets, including a duck and some parrots. Not sure if that’s too many.
34. Sometimes a Christmas photo op might cross the line.
I don’t know about you. But a dad calling his wife and daughters “ho’s” isn’t a man you’d want to emulate. Also, I can really see the joke.
35. Merry Christmas from one of the families in Toddlers and Tiaras.
Given that these girls resemble sexualized beauty queens, I don’t have confidence in this couple’s parenting. Seriously, kid beauty pageants should be banned.
36. “I got you a present, Marla.”
“What is it Travis? Is the weed you’ve been smoking? The shrooms you’ve been taking? I really want to know.”
37. Christmas is often the most happy and jolly time of year.
And this family doesn’t seem to be that. More like drinking co-workers at an office party who hate each other.
38. Speaking of office parties…
Yes, that’s Dwight, Jim, and Andy from The Office. Note what’s on Dwight’s head.
39. Don’t pay attention to Mike. He’s just being weird.
He’s the one with the weird mask. Or is it makeup? Either way, he seems straight out of a horror movie.
40. “Mommy, why did you let that scary man pick me up?”
Man, that Santa mask is so creepy looking. More like a slasher horror movie. Can totally feel for the little boy.
41. A couple shot is always better with the family dog.
This just reminds me of all those weird pictures from the 1980s we laugh at. Except it seems rather contemporary for some reason.
42. I’m sure this is either for a Christmas card or a dating profile.
Celebrating Christmas alone doesn’t really seem right. You can see the desperation in his eyes.
43. When’s Santa coming down?
Apparently, everyone in this photo seems to wonder that. Since the boy’s looking up in an impatient anticipation.
44. What’s with the navels?
Says, “Jingle Bellies.” Don’t ask me what the hell that’s supposed to mean. Seriously, this is really fucked up.
45. Santa poses with some elves.
Looks like it’s one of their vacation photos. I’m sure the Santa’s a mannequin.
46. “Mommy, get that scary man away from me.”
Yes, that’s another bad Santa mask. And yes, that little girl’s incredibly terrified.
47. When you’ve been in a fight during the last holiday shopping rush.
The woman also has some piercings. So it creates a rather awkward situation with the parents and grandparents.
48. Apparently, Sparky’s not adjusting well to the new baby.
And you thought siblings were bad. Her the dog sits on the baby because it wants attention.
49. When you find out that Miss Piggy’s not wearing a bra.
Piggy, please, cover that up. There’s a kid around. Seriously, have you heard about dressing in layers?
50. That’s a rather interesting gourd.
Sorry, but decorative gourd season’s been over since November. Also, why did they paint a snowman and use it as a birdfeeder?
51. When you start regretting sitting on the scary man’s lap.
Yes, the mask is frightening and unrealistic. But as one kid takes it in strive, his brother foresees a sense of nightmarish doom upon the horizon.
52. Do they know Santa’s in this very room?
He’s basically right behind them near the tree. But the kids don’t really seem as excited as they should be.
53. Sometimes the shirt says it all.
Here Santa wonders what kind of parents these kids have that their hoodies advertise a tobacco company. And the fact Marlboro has those hoodies in children’s sizes.
54. Sorry kid, but Santa’s had a too few many lately.
Talk about a sketchy Santa. This guy’s totally loaded on something. What, I don’t know.
55. Dear Satan: Send me cash this Christmas.
Talk about a sketchy Santa. This guy’s totally loaded on something. What, I don’t know.
56. When you’re a mall Santa who hates his life.
You can see him hold 3 kids. Two girl cry while the boy sits quietly. And Santa gives a face of disgust over his duties.
57. Sometimes kids can be horrible spellers.
The kid means “wrapped.” I know that the misspelling gives adults an entirely different image, which goes over the kid’s head.
58. That’s not where you want to smell that gingerbread man.
Yes, the dog’s sniffing at Al Roker’s crotch. What’s funnier is that this happened live on network TV.
59. Christmas is always a cheerful time of year.
Not in this family, apparently. Rather this is the kind of family that seems at each other’s throats. One guy’s probably a drinker.
60. Big sister’s not too happy with the new baby.
Sorry, kid, but I don’t think Santa can send your baby sibling that. Because that’s not how it works. Also, tying up your parents in Christmas lights isn’t a good idea.
61. “Can I pose with my llama?”
Girl must come from a farm. Since her dad’s also holding a lamb. Wonder what the photographer thought of that.
62. These guys can’t wait for Santa.
So they’re awaiting his arrival in ducky pajamas. Know that these are grown ass men.
63. You’ll never guess who has a red nose and antlers in this photo.
Mostly all the members save the father. But one of the boys knows this stunt is incredibly lame and wants no part of it.
64. “Let’s line up wearing our ugly Christmas sweaters.”
The youngest boy feels like he’s forced into something he doesn’t want to participate in. But I’m afraid he’ll have to face the horror.
65. Girl sits beside a dummy Santa.
Unfortunately dummy Santa can be just as terrifying as the one you see in the mall. But the girl doesn’t seem to mind. Mainly because she could beat up the doll when it goes after her.
66. When you find Santa totally wasted but must get that memorable shot of your kid.
Kid seems rather anxious doesn’t he. Maybe Santa shouldn’t frequent the bars on his time off. I suggest he do a 12-step.
67. Peter will always stay true to his Snookums.
And yes, I mean his cat with a little Santa hat. Though the cat seems to have other ideas.
68. Nativity displays should always be left to the churches.
Because why involve your kids in a manger display if they won’t take it seriously. Still, kind of feel bad for the angel and you can see a hand.
69. There’s nothing like a Christmas in Antarctica.
Because you wouldn’t survive without wearing heavy winter clothing. Seriously, this was obviously done in a studio.
70. Everyone should relish in the holiday cheer.
You can see a couple of blase faces on the couch. Meanwhile two of the women are drinking from bottles.
