The Wonderful World of Album Covers (Sixth Edition)

sgt-pepper-s-lonely-hearts-club-band-albums-photo-1

Once again, I move on to album covers. Of course, who can remember the awesome design with the Beatles’ cover of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. You might recognize some celebrities the Beatles are standing with. Nonetheless, great album covers like this one are always remembered and treasured. However, since I’ve done a post like this for years, you get the idea that we’re not going on a nostalgia trip here. Instead, we’ll look at album covers that were long forgotten for some reason. And not because many didn’t have good music on the records. Some have aged terribly. Some are outrages. While some are just plain weird. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage album covers.

  1. La Wanda: MUTHA*Is Half a Word
Bad Album Covers (2)

For some reason, I have serious doubts she’s a virgin. Also, she should’ve known she was pregnant by now.

Apparently, this woman’s in for a real surprise.

2. Henri Salvador: Le Martien Count Basie: L’Inspiration Syracuse

Bad Album Covers (3)

I don’t understand the sci-fi concept behind this album cover. I mean the guy’s in blue make up with a weird diamond helmet.

Man, this Martian really creeps me out.

3. The Pinups: Wild Thing

Bad Album Covers (4)

Is that a dead hooker in the car? Okay, that’s really disturbing. Hell, this whole album cover is unsettling.

Don’t tell me they’re supposed to be prostitutes licking lollipops.

4. Dani: Dani

Bad Album Covers (5)

Apparently, being surrounded by clowns can put you in a rather terrifying situation. Also, why isn’t Pennywise in here?

Perhaps this woman has spent too much time with the circus.

5. Mirka Kodica: Bajo

bajo

Seriously, this guy kind of reminds me of those bad 1980s prom pictures. Funnier that he’s wearing a shiny striped suit with a stern expression.

When you have to resort to a backup outfit for your prom picture.

6. The Bee Gees: Life in a Tin Can

Bee-Gees-Life-In-A-Tin-Can

Of course, how they could fit in this old pop can, I’ll never know. Let’s not think about this one too hard.

Apparently, the Bee Gees haven’t been doing too well these days.

7. Brad Swanson: Brad Swanson Goes Hawaiian

BradSwanson

Still, the guy’s posing with women who look awfully young. While his eyes bear some ill intent. Don’t like where this is going.

So, how does Hawaiian organ music sound like?

8. Cerrone: Supernature

cerrone-supernature

Yes, the animal masks are freaky. But what the hell are they doing in a hospital operating room with a fake body on the gurney?

Beware of the animal masked people under the gurney.

9. Conway Twitty: I’m Not Through Loving You Yet

ConwayTwitty2

Since his wife left him, Conway’s fashion sense has gone out the window. He’s kind of bitter about the divorce. His wife’s got a lawyer and is suing him for half his assets.

Apparently, Conway’s going through a rough patch in his life.

10.  Def Leppard: On Through the Night

Def-Leppard

When we start settling Mars, we might have to train astronauts to be truck drivers. Not sure how that’s going to work out.

In the future, large semis will transport giant guitars in space.

11. The DeFranco Family featuring Tony DeFranco: Save the Last Dance for Me

DeFranco

Those 1970s haircuts certainly don’t help either. That one guy in the back knows how lame this photo op is.

Of course, everyone had to wear a top matching the background with a sequined animal on it.

12. Ed Ames: My Cup Runneth Over

EdAmes

Then again, to each his own. After all, Ed could really be a nice guy. But that doesn’t help his hairstyle.

You have to wonder what the blond woman sees in this guy.

13. Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Sings for You

Englebert

Actually he’s wearing a 1970s jumpsuit and a necklace. But yeah, he probably spent too much time at the tanning salon that day.

Released during a time when Humperdinck was moonlighting as an Elvis impersonator who spent too much time in a tanning salon.

14. The Gary Walker Singers: “I Shall Never Forget the Day.”

GaryWalker2

I mean the instruments consist of accordion, banjo, and electric guitars. Also, that one guy looks like David Hasselhoff.

So what genre is this supposed to be?

15. David Cassidy: The Higher They Climb

higher-they-climb

Here he jumps to reach a star in front of a large crowd of people. While he holds a white guitar in his hand that matches his jumpsuit. Don’t ask me who came up with this idea.

Didn’t know David Cassidy had the power of levitation.

16. Oscar Brand: Sports Car

Hilarious Album Covers (1)

Apparently, you can sit on it, too. As long as the long staff is well into your ass. Boy, that woman’s going to be sore. But for now, she’s reading like it doesn’t seem to bother her.

My, that’s one large tire jack.

17. Jean Carroll: Girl in a Hot Steam Bath

Hilarious Album Covers (2)

The one guy in the bathroom’s reading a newspaper with shoes and socks on like it’s nothing. While the women on the other side are checking him out.

Didn’t know they had unisex steam rooms.

18. Orel Turkbas: How to Make Your Husband a Sultan

Hilarious Album Covers (3)

Helps if you dress in a jingling bikini that resembles what Princess Leia would wear if Jabba’s palace was a disco. Yet, she doesn’t wear the long chain nor strangle a huge blob monster who used her frozen boyfriend as wall decoration.

A belly dancer shares her tips for wives to please their husbands in the bedroom.

19. The Singing Richey Family: I’m Going Home…To Watch the Flowers Bloom

Hilarious Album Covers (7)

I bet the mom’s like, “I shall call her Mini Me.” Hell, they’re wearing the same pink dress.

Apparently, big hair is an inherited trait.

20. Pedro Pinho and Paulo Pontes: Berrante Do Tempo

Hilarious Album Covers (8)

Man, these outfits are atrocious. Look at the pink top with gold sleeves. Is it 1970s or what?

When you and your buddy pose in the same space age outfit.

21. Tesura: Fruko y sus Tesos

Hilarious Album Covers (12)

They even have chain around a dog and one guy holds a big cigar. But badass they are not.

When your tough guy act goes absolutely nowhere.

22. Maria Luisa Landin: Con la Voy del Alma….

Hilarious Album Covers (13)

Seriously, why is her reflection appearing in the glass like that? Does she think she has something on her nose?

When you’re staring into a wine glass when your date doesn’t show up.

23. Rito Esclavo: Pedro Laza y sus Pelayeros

Hilarious Album Covers (14)

I mean she’s literally tied to a man by her wrists with rope. And she’s wearing a Sword-and-Sandal costume. So is she supposed to be dragged? Or is she kind of into it? Because I want to know how to feel here.

Is this supposed to be slavery or a kinky bondage routine?

24. Reb Allen: Country Hits

Hilarious Album Covers (17)

Still, I know they’re supposed to be prison stripes. But they kind of remind me of pajamas. Also how is he able to play guitar on the rocks?

During his stay in prison, Reb would provide the chain gang entertainment during long, hard days.

25. Gordon Calcote: Folsom Prison Blues

Hilarious Album Covers (18)

Nonetheless, I think the cover is more appropriate for “Prisoners of Love.” Also, this pen seems to have a very generous conjugal visit policy.

If you want a sexy version of this hit, we got you covered.

26. The Game Is Over Soundtrack

Hilarious Album Covers (19)

Yes, this a soundtrack from a forgettable Jane Fonda movie. Still, naked in the jungle, what can possibly go wrong with that?

Apparently, Naked and Afraid is older than I thought.

27. Il Medico…la Studentessa Original Film Soundtrack

Hilarious Album Covers (22)

Okay, it’s probably not a porn movie and I apologize to anyone offended. Still, I’m sure these two are about to play “doctor” at any moment. Seriously, look how the guy’s grabbing the woman’s leg.

Didn’t know they made soundtracks for porn films.

28. Alan Hale: Skipper Alan Hale’s Roman Orgy

Hilarious Album Covers (24)

Apparently, the cover implies that a Roman orgy’s just a fancy toga party. But it’s more like a hedonistic free for all with drinking, partying, and group sex.

Also known as the R-Rated version of Gilligan’s Island.

29. Pilz Band: Schtarch Sy

Hilarious Album Covers (25)

You’d almost think it was a 1980s version of The Office starring Jerry Seinfeld and Jason Alexander. Got to like that one guy’s shirt.

When your office band hits the big time.

30. Crosby, Stills, and Nash: Live It Up

live-it-up

So, how can you roast hotdogs on the moon? It has no atmosphere so you can’t light a fire. Oh, those guys are climbing on the sticks? Was the designer on drugs?

Spent roasting hotdogs on the moon.

31. Orrin Star: Fun Songs & Fancy Pickin’

OrrinStar

Heard that he was a musician and shop teacher by day. And a porn star by night during the 1970s. Naturally, him and Adrien aren’t on speaking terms.

Boy, Adrien Brody’s dad is incredibly lame.

32. Orion: Rockabilly

RockabillyOrion

He wears a mask because he’s fugitive from another state. Not what he did. Still, reminds me of a Will Ferrell SNL sketch for some reason.

This man seems to have an interesting Elvis impersonator routine.

33. El Baile Aleman: Senor Coconut y su Conjunto

senor-coconut

The one guy is framed in a star because he couldn’t make it to the photo session. But he wore the same outfit nonetheless.

Hope you enjoy the puffy sleeves.

34. Terri Gibbs: Over Easy

TerriGibbs2

Because “Terri” is a female rendition of that name. But the person kind of has a more masculine disposition. Then again, maybe Terri’s just gender fluid.

Is that supposed to be a woman or a guy wearing lipstick?

35. Elna Fredhoy og Rigmor Odum

The Worst Album Covers Ever Created (7)

Funny, how one could easily pass as Matthew McConaughey’s grandmother. Hope she plays alright, alright, alright.

One plays guitar. The other plays the accordion.

36. Quim Barriero: Recibe um Convite (A Casa Joquina)

The Worst Album Covers Ever Created (8)

Heard he got his start playing polka music at a nudist colony. Then again, he seems to have stripped all his clothes off.

Someone enjoys playing naked accordion.

37. Knuz Zopy3em

The Worst Album Covers Ever Created (17)

These guys have such blase expressions that they see no hope out of their boring and meaningless lives. Though I like that front man’s tie.

Featuring hit songs from this up and coming Soviet group. Just feel the excitement.

38. Kjell Kraghe: Vind I Seglen

The Worst Album Covers Ever Created (19)

And yet his clothes don’t seem the slightest bit wet. Then again, it’s photoshop.

Look out there’s a giant guy in a 1970s jumpsuit on the horizon.

39. “Whoopee” John Wilfahrt and his Orchestra: Dance Night

Whoopee

For God’s sake would you take the name Wilfahrt seriously? Also, that dancing couple seems all too happy.

Apparently, why they didn’t ask John Wilfahrt to change is name is a riddle for the ages.

40. Mijus Svetlana: Klik-Klak

worst_yugoslavian_album_covers_01

Well, maybe Russians don’t mind women not shaving. Since they’re probably more focused on trying to get by. Still, she looks pretty silly in that outfit. Also what are those strings with balls supposed to mean?

Is that armpit hair?

41. Buldozer

worst_yugoslavian_album_covers_02

So basically this cover consists of women mooning. I’m sure the moral guardians won’t be happy with that.

Apparently, these women decided to stick their butts to the window.

42. Jasar: Zena Moje Mladosti

worst_yugoslavian_album_covers_04

I mean the guy seems more right at home on Stranger Things. Also, is he smoking a cigarette?

Here this Yugoslavian singer poses for a photo like teenage boy on his way to prom in the 1980s.

43. Oliver Mandic: Probaj Me

worst_yugoslavian_album_covers_16

So is he supposed to be the Yugoslavian equivalent to David Bowie or Boy George? Also the name Mandic is hard to take seriously as an English speaker.

Here he sits on his red suitcase waiting for a ride while wearing his matching red leather suit.

44. Sneki: Ti Saluto Italia

worst_yugoslavian_album_covers_23

Then again, it kind of makes sense. Since Italians are into soccer and high fashion. Still, the woman seems like a snake lady to me.

Apparently, saluting Italy means having a sexy woman near a soccer goal.

45. Father Robert White: The Reverend in Rhythm

Worst-Album-Covers-Father-Robert

I think this might’ve become a meme. Still, I don’t think you can dance to that song listing. Also kind of reminds me of Matthew McConaughey for some reason.

Just a priest with a pipe who can play some tunes.

46. Jonah Jones: I Dig Chicks

Worst-Album-Covers-I-Dig-Chicks

Still, they shouldn’t be there. No, I don’t see anything wrong with women on a back hoe. But these women aren’t clad in the proper safety equipment. So they run a high risk of injury or death.

Apparently, someone doesn’t see anything wrong with these women being at construction sites for fan service.

47.  Barry Louis Polisar: I Eat Kids and Other Songs for Rebellious Children

Worst-Album-Covers-I-Eat-Kids

Seriously, why would anyone have a song about eating kids? Is this an album used to traumatize children?

I don’t think his baby appreciates the title.

48. Janet Greene: Country and Spanish Flavors

Worst-Album-Covers-Janet-Greene-Boobs

After all, she wouldn’t want anything to scald her uh, boobs. Yes, I get that her boobs get considerable attention on this cover.

Let’s hope she doesn’t spill anything on her chest.

49. The Happy Sound of Ragtime

Worst-Album-Covers-Ragtime-Whores

Because what makes a wholesome image of ragtime like seeing a fat rich guy being served by 2 hookers. Seriously, the woman’s putting some money in her stocking.

Available at an Old West brothel near you.

50. Trevor Crozier and Friends: Trouble Over Bridgewater

Worst-Album-Covers-trevor-crozier

Despite that nobody dresses like that nowadays. Still, I don’t think he’ll find any gold with this album.

He’s just an old prospector having a beer.

 

 

Advertisements

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Fifth Edition)

J5-Christmas-album.jpg

Though listening to Christmas music in the store or on the radio is likely to make my ears bleed thanks to a holiday stint at Macy’s, many may beg to differ. Mostly because we have people who buy Christmas albums this time of year, many by pop artists willing to earn some sweet extra cash. And despite the saturated Christmas atmosphere of today, Christmas albums have existed for decades. After all, I’ve been doing annual posts like these for years. Don’t believe me? Then see what Michael Jackson looks like on the cover in the intro image. I mean he doesn’t seem to resemble the weird King of Pop he’d become in his later years. Nonetheless, many of these covers can be quite strange and outrageous to say the least. So for your reading pleasure this holiday season, I give you another treasury of crazy yuletide covers that time forgot.

  1. Pete Gold: Merry Payday Christmas 
a0450377362_10

Santa Claus knows if you’ve been bad or good. So be good for goodness sake. Or else, Santa will straight out murder your ass. So you better watch out, you better not cry. And you better not pout, I’m telling you why.

Because this year, Santa means business.

2. Elvis Presley: Christmas with Elvis

ae1a51ca08aea34eded27b3e606a189a

Christmas is supposed to be a happy. But Elvis appears rather depressed. Wonder what’s wrong.

Apparently, Elvis is having a blue Christmas this year.

3. Arthur Fiedler & the Boston Pops: A Christmas Festival

bad-christmas-album-covers-9-1386926393-view-0

From Classic FM: “You’re not fooling anyone, Arthur. Give the suit back now.”

This time Arthur plays Santa.

4. Bad Religion: Father Christmas

badreligionfatherchristmassinglepq0w9eufjasdljfs_465_465_int

Funny, how it appears on an album cover. Since I usually see Santa smoking in Vintage ads. But Santa doesn’t seem to give a shit.

Hope you don’t mind, Santa needs to light.

5. James Galway: James Galway’s Christmas Carol

james-galways-christmas-carol--1386926393-view-0

From Classic FM: “In which a scarfed Jeremy Beadle annoys the neighbours with his incessant flute-playing.”

He also does outdoor shows during the holidays.

6. Para Bailar: Drum Christmas Drum

bizarre-christmas-album-covers-2

She also doesn’t seem keen on her man kissing her on the forehead. Just look at her bulging eyes of shock.

While her portait has been textured in garden mosaic.

7. Canadian Brass: The Christmas Album

canadian-brass---the-christmas-album--1386926393-view-0

From Classic FM: “Sorry guys. Another entry for Canadian Brass. No matter how hard you parp your brass at that tree, it’s not going to make it a merry Christmas.”

Blowing their horns at the Christmas tree, are they?

8. Dionne Warwick and Placido Domingo: Christmas in Vienna II

dionne-warwick--placido-domingo---christmas-in-vienna-ii-1386935666-view-0

From Classic FM: “As unlikely pairings go, this is one of the strongest we’ve seen. Worth it for the kid in front of Placido’s expression alone.”

Apparently, one of the 3 Tenors decided to duet with a noted soul singer.

9. Christmas Carols from Winchester Cathedral

christmas-carols-from-winchester-cathedral--1386926393-view-0

From Classic FM: “Because nothing says Christmas like identical twin choirboys and a candle the size of a grandfather clock.”

Featuring 2 choir boys and a towering candle.

10. The Cousins: The Cousins Celebrate Xmas.

cousins

The guy’s like “Wow, just what I always wanted.” While the other guys are like, “Not exactly what I expected. But hey, he seems to like it.”

Here Santa presents one of them with a brand new electric guitar.

11.  Ernest Borgnine with the Brinton Maridon Orchestra: The Nine Days of Christmas

eaccd262d68f4b681abe05171ebba7ac

Besides, before he won an Academy Award for Marty, Ernest Borgnine was best known for beating Frank Sinatra to death in From Here to Eternity. Also, his smiling expression is kind of creepy.

For some reason Ernest Borgnine doesn’t strike me as having a good singing voice.

12. Garth Brooks & Trisha Yearwood: Christmas Together

garth-christmas

Apparently, Garth seems like he’s terrified by his singing partner Trisha. While Trisha probably has a skeleton collection in her walk-in closet. Wait a minute, those two are married?

I can see the expression on Garth Brooks’ face silently screaming “Help me!”

13. Herb Alpert: The Christmas Wish with Symphony and Choir

herb-alpert-christmas

For a man as legendary as Herb Alpert, you’d think he wouldn’t need to work as a mall Santa. Then again, maybe he just does it for amusement.

To supplement his income during the holiday season, the legendary Herb Alpert fills in part-time as a mall Santa.

14. Hurra Por Santa Claus!

img_3918

By the way, the movie was a stupid as you expect. Still, you can’t help but laugh at Santa riding a rocket between his legs.

From the motion picture Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

15. The Kingston Trio: The Last Month of the Year

KingstonXmas

From Music Radar: “The clean-cut folk trio pictured committing typically chirpy group suicide by electrocution following the release of their 1960 seasonal release.”

Guess who’s come with presents?

16. Mae West: Wild Christmas

maewestwildchristmasw09eupoaisdjasldjf_465_465_int

Well, Mae West was always an attractive woman. But Santa seems a bit more than attracted to her.

Boy, Mrs. Claus is gonna be pissed.

17. Chris Farren: Like a Gift from God or Whatever

orwhatever-cover1600--1-

Still, it doesn’t help that he’s wearing a Christmas wreath around his face. Seriously, that just looks really dumb.

Apparently, this man has a rather high opinion about Christmas or himself.

18. Michala Petri: Noel! Noel! Noel!: Christmas with Michala Petri

petri

Seriously, what the hell are those boys wearing? Because those outfits seem straight from a Transylvanian castle.

Featuring the sons of Dracula.

19. Robert Alagna: The Christmas Album

roberto-alagna---the-christmas-album--1386926394-view-0

From Classic FM: “Looks like Michael Bolton’s hair and his mum’s gloves were on the Christmas list this year. Season’s greetings, Roberto!”

Here he is out in the snow wearing a fur coat.

20. Olgay Tony: Santa Claus a Go Go

sanata-gogo

Didn’t he could wear a polo shirt and an ascot tie. Like he’s some rich jerk at a polo match.

Since when did Santa get so thin and casual?

21. The Gantvoort Twins: The Gantvoort Twins Sing Christmas Carols

Strange Christmas Album Cover (21)

Then again, they might be playing music to muffle their discussion about what to do with Gladys. Because Gladys needs to pay for what she did.

Am I seeing double at the record player?

22. Jan Gorussen: Prettice Kerstdagen

Strange Christmas Album Cover (28)

Though while Santa may enjoy a polka now and then, the reindeer have gotten spastic over it. But Santa doesn’t care.

Featuring Santa Claus playing the accordion.

23. More Christmas Disco

stuffyoushouldknow-14-2013-12-xmasalbum9

I know this was released during the 1970s. But do you think I’d want to be dancing to disco versions of Christmas songs? No.

You mean there’s more disco Christmas music?

24. Redneck Christmas

stuffyoushouldknow-14-2013-12-xmasalbum17

Guess someone’s been driving his sleigh too many times under the influence. Yet, how were police to know?

Okay, what did Santa do now?

25. Billy Idol: Happy Holidays

stuffyoushouldknow-14-2013-12-xmasalbum29

Aside playing piano in a hotel lounge, Billy Idol also works as a bouncer at a nearby bar. So don’t mess with him. Or he’ll beat you to a pulp.

1980s sensation Billy Idol is here to make your season bright.

26. Phillips 66 Present Tijuana Christmas

stuffyoushouldknow-14-2013-12-xmasalbum30

Does it actually snow in Tijuana? Of course, not since their winters are comparatively mild. Also, what’s Santa doing in the back seat?

I’m sure they’re not driving through Tijuana.

27. The Three Stooges: Christmas Time with the Three Stooges

thethreestoogeschristmastimeq09uefplajsdlkjalsd_465_465_int

What the hell are Curly and Moe doing to Larry? From how they’ve put him in a time machine, he’s probably history.

Something tells me spending Christmas with them isn’t exactly a blast.

28. Na Er Det Jul Igen

trolls

Santa is creepy enough. But the elf trolls make the Elf on the Shelf look like a bunny rabbit since they’re simply terrifying.

Featuring Santa and his elves from your nightmares.

29. Tweenies: The Christmas Album

tweenies-christmas-album

I don’t know who they are. But I think they’re a British knock off of Sesame Street. Yet, they don’t seem to have any of the warmth or charm.

Featuring puppets singing Christmas songs and their dog.

30. Mariah Carey: Merry Christmas II You

THE ISLAND DEF JAM MUSIC GROUP MARIAH CAREY

Don’t look now. But I think the snowman likes what he sees of Mariah Carey from behind.

You can bet a rendition of “All I Want for Christmas Is You” is on the track listings somewhere.

31. Little Steven’s Underground Garage: Christmas a Go Go

wpid-wp-1418069485473

Also, what’s the deal with Rudolph’s head on Santa’s motorcycle? Seriously, that’s just fucked up.

What the hell is Santa on?

32. Cliff Richard: Christmas with Cliff Richard 1968

wpid-wp-1418074220435

Look, I know this album came out in the 1960s. But this cover seems like something that’s designed from a Microsoft print shop program from the 2000s.

Apparently, his album design crew was on a budget.

33. Curt Davis: Something New for Christmas

wpid-wp-1419242049037

Though he kind of reminds you of your jerkass boss who’d send you a Jelly of the Month Club membership instead of an actual bonus. Also, his sweater’s kind of tacky.

Wonder what he’d want from Santa.

34. Wurlitzer Christmas

wurlitzer-christmas-1386935666-view-0

From Classic FM: “Two disturbing things: the ghostly image of Santa’s slippers (are they slippers, actually?) on the pedals, and the fact that someone has made a Wurlitzer Christmas album.”

Presenting all your Christmas favorites on keyboard organ.

35. Christmas Eve with Colonel Sanders

xmaseve_colsanders837

Seems like he has visions of fried chicken dance in his head. Too bad he’s been behind a lot of heart attacks of the decades.

Apparently, the Colonel has fallen asleep near the fireside.

36. Yellowman: A Very, Very Yellow Christmas

yellowman

Essentially, a yellow Christmas is a white Christmas. Except that you realize that local animals have been using your yard as a toilet.

Quick, someone tell him what a “yellow Christmas” actually means.

37. Pentatonix: That’s Christmas to Me

untitled1

From The Things: “The album cover to Pentatonix’s “That’s Christmas To Me” is one of two things. It’s either trying too hard to look like a candid we’re-all-having-a-great-time-and-love-being-around-each-other photo, or this is how these people exist in real life. And that’s something we’ve never seen before.”

When you smile for the photo for the 100th time and just want to leave.

38. Lee Greenwood: Christmas to Christmas

untitled2

From The Things: “What’s awkward about this Christmas album cover, besides the unearned pose, is that the fire seems inexplicably fake, his sweater (or sweatshirt?) looks a little too big, and you just can’t stop looking at his Christmas package.”

You know the guy who sang the cheesy “I’m Proud to Be an American” that will drive you up a wall on the 4th of July? Apparently, he has a Christmas album.

39. We Wish You a Hairy Christmas

untitled3

From The Things: “What’s awkward about this holiday album cover is not the adult-film-star-looking model, but what is surrounding her. The giant prop candy cane is all well and good, but over her right shoulder stands the head of a deer, a reindeer perhaps, staring blankly outward. One of its antlers, curiously enough, looks like a knife stabbing the poor creature in the head. It could easily be a trick of optics, but the fact remains that the deer simply doesn’t need to be there.”

Presenting a scantily clad model in front of a deer head.

40. A Nostalgic Merry Christmas to You

untitled4

From The Things: “Is this awkward Christmas album cover really supposed to make people nostalgic for Christmas? I get that it sparks the memory and majesty of opening presents on Christmas morning, but we can’t relate to this one bit. I’ve never seen parents that get THIS done up for Christmas morning. And look! Those kids are somehow dressed, too. What IS this nonsense?!?! Did they go to sleep in those clothes? Because no kid waits to get dressed on Christmas before tearing maniacally through presents from Santa. Maybe they’re on their way to church? Or they have brunch plans with the National Insurance League? Whatever the concept is, a family this cleaned up on Christmas morning is a total lie.”

Yes, listen to the songs of Christmas when families would dress in church attire before opening their gifts on Christmas morning.

41. Travis Tritt: A Travis Tritt Christmas: Loving Time of the Year

untitled5

From One Country: ” Christmas should be simple. But, this is anything but. Also, there’s a cartoon band with a dog on this album cover, plus a real Travis Tritt? All of the things are happening here.”

Apparently, Travis hasn’t been seen outside cartoonland for years.

42. Clint Black: Looking for Christmas

untitled6

From One Country: “Poor Clint just out in the snow look for Christmas by the glow of one small candle. Do you think he found it? Why a candle instead of a flashlight? What about a map? Or perhaps, a calendar?”

Though it’s hard to say whether he’s having any luck finding it.

43. Ronnie Milsap: Christmas with Ronnie Milsap

untitled7

From One Country: “At first glance Christmas with Ronnie Milsap looks like a blast. But, the second, third, fourth and 27th glances offer different opinions.”

Nothing says Christmas like rising out of the jack-in-a-box and scaring the crap out of everybody.

44. Joe Diffie: Mr. Christmas

untitled8

From One Country: “I want this to be a Hallmark movie so bad– ‘Joe Diffie is Mr. Christmas, this Saturday at 8.'”

Available at a 1980s cowboy bar or trailer park near you.

45. J.J. Hrubovcak: Death Metal Christmas

image

Though your grandparents will certainly be offended by the demon Madonna and child. Though they’ll probably never see it anyway.

For those who wish for a not so silent night.

46. Merry X-Mas, Dammit from the Double Down Saloon

image1

For to spend Christmas at a bar, you must either be dead inside with no family. Or outside as this martini holding skeleton.

For nothing brings the magic of the holidays like spending Christmas in a Vegas bar full of drunks.

47. The Osmonds: Osmond Family Christmas

image2

Seriously, the Osmonds seem less like a wholesome family and more of the family that slays together in the dead of night. Don’t you dare let them in your home.

Don’t mind the glowing carolers in the window.

48. CantArte Regensburg & Hubert Velten: Gregorian Christmas

image4

Though I wonder who’s wearing the red hood. I know it’s supposed to be a monk. But it could be some kind of nefarious Christmas spirit.

If you’re into a real old-fashioned Christmas, this is the album for you.

49. Dino: A Wonderful Time of the Year

christmas-album-cover_dino_wonderful-time-of-the-year

From The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit: “For those times when Barry Manilow is just a little too edgy, there’s Dino Kartsonakis.”

Think of him as a low-rent Barry Manilow.

50. Kenny G: Faith: A Holiday Album

01kennyG

From The Things: “Well before Photoshop or flameless candles- photographers had to inspire warm fuzzy Christmas album covers the old fashioned way; with real live, hair burning fire. In this strange and awkward Christmas album cover, we have adult contemporary hero, Kenny G, in what would have been used as ‘Exhibit A’ in the lawsuit against the record label.”

Kenny, you might want to step back from the candles now.

The Wonderful World of Album Covers (Fifth Edition)

fleetwood-mac-rumours_sq-11b0b64b5817a55faed7c89d205d46f1d9afcf45-s900-c85

While you might have noteworthy covers like the Fleetwood Mac Rumors album, there are plenty that aren’t on the standard radar. Mostly because they’re not very memorable since they normally feature the artist and the title. Yet, do a Google search and you’ll find plenty of album covers that can quite ridiculous. A lot of them can be unintentionally funny, creepy, or inappropriate. While some of them can be more risque than you’d think they be, considering if the release date was before 1970. Some can just be plain weird, especially if they’re sci-fi inspired or aimed to children. Nonetheless, most of these musical acts typically remain unknown. Though you’ll find a noted singer or band once in awhile. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasure trove of crazy old album covers. Enjoy.

  1. Moe Bandy: I Just Started Hatin’ Cheatin’ Songs Today
albumcover071

You can’t find a more country album like this. Apparently, his wife left him, his dog died, his pick up truck broke down, and he almost went to prison. And he probably has a drinking problem.

Moe has never been the same since Sandra left him for Pablo the pool boy.

2. The Beatles: Yesterday and Today

beatlesbutcher

Yes, even the Beatles had their share of terrible album covers like a the infamous butcher cover. Fortunately for collectors, this one is worth a lot of money.

Unfortunately, even the Beatles weren’t above mutilation.

3. Ivory Chuck: Ivory Chuck at the Ivories

Chuck

Ivory Chuck can always be handy with the piano keys. Yet, mess with him and he’ll strangle you and dump you in the river.

Hustler by day, lounge musician by night.

4. Ferrante and Teicher: Blast Off!

cover93

One guy is lying with his legs up on the piano like he’s supposed to be in zero gravity. Star Trek this is not.

Unfortunately, they didn’t qualify as space camp material.

5. If the Bomb Falls: A Recorded Guide to Survival

cover96

Sorry, but I don’t think this album has any good information on surviving nukes. Seriously, if a nuke dropped where you live, you’re most likely to die.

Need to know about surviving nukes? This album will tell you everything you need to know.

6. Music for Dreaming

cover128

And yet, they lie in street clothes in the snow. Outside a village with very small people. My guess they’ll end up like Gulliver before they wake up.

Finally, a album you can play while you sleep.

7. Dwayne Smith: “Get Directly Down”

cover130

Nonetheless, Dwayne is determined to hold a beach concert as a low-budget Elton John with his keyboard and amplifier in tow. While his trusted dog is by his side.

Why directly? Was “Get Down” already taken?

8. Esquivel: Exploring New Sounds in Stereo

cover138

Then again, to explore new sounds in space may require a way larger telescope than he could muster. And they wouldn’t sell it in stores.

And yet, he’s using a telescope.

9. Si Zetner and His Orchestra: The Swingin’ Eye

cover148

Someone must’ve been on acid to design this cover. Seriously, you’d think she was from the VFD strip club from A Serie of Unfortunate Events.

Featuring a large eye with a lady’s butt and legs.

10. Warren Barker and His Orchestra: William Holden Presents a Musical Touch of Far Away Places

cover150

Here William Holden sits in the study with a nervous smile. Hoping the band doesn’t play the “Colonel Bogey March.”

Apparently, the bongos is making William Holden feel cramped.

11. The Stanley Johnson Orchestra: Have Harp Can’t Travel

cover177

I’m sure any concert hall would have a harp there. I mean almost every one of them has a piano.

Yeah, I don’t think you can fit that in a tour bus.

12. Si Zetner and His Orchestra: High Noon Cha Cha Cha

cover182

Sure she’s topless and wears high heel sandals. But ogle at her bare rack long enough and she’ll take you out her six shooters.

Featuring the notorious Ta-Ta Jane, the best topless straight shooter in the Old West.

13. Music to Light Your Pilot By

cover205

Wonder what the pilot’s going to do with that large wooden propeller. Hope he’s not thinking a threesome.

After all, pilots need music while having sex, too.

14. Maya Angelou: Miss Calypso

cover219

Yes, that’s Maya Angelou herself dancing to the fire in a strapless dress that she could stick her leg out. I know it’s kind of uncomfortable to see her this way.

Here you can listen to the great American poet and author sing calypso music.

15. The Incomparable Robin Hood Band: Spectacular Sounds

cover268

If you had to wear a humiliating marching band uniform in high school, imagine having to dress up like Robin Hood while playing professionally. Because these guys look totally ridiculous.

Hear the music from this band of merry men.

16. Living Strings: Music to Help You Stop Smoking

cover293

Wonder what kind of songs would be on this album. And wonder if that music helps people to break the habit.

Because if you need to quit, put on this record while going cold turkey.

17. Music to Keep Your Husband Happy

cover385

Indeed, this is album is meant to be played during sex. Nonetheless, I’m sure Barry White and Marvin Gaye are somewhere on the listings.

Includes booklets inside to spice up your love life.

18. Fun’Da’Mental: Erotic Terrorism

cover389

This is by a British Muslim hip-hop group from the 1990s which is still around today. Yet, the cover seems ripped from a foreign film about a guy with a thirst for revenge.

You don’t mess with this man with a gun.

19. Diesel Smoke, Dangerous Curves, and Other Truck Driver Favorites

Diesel_Smoke_Cover-web

And yet, the cover features a truck stop waitress. Mostly because they think sex sells somehow.

If your job takes you on the road, here’s the soundtrack for you.

20. The Gateway Singers

GatewaySingers

Yet, the outfits are much to be desired. Seriously, plaid sport coats and drapery dresses?

They’re just a wholesome group in front of a cabin.

21. Ron Johnson: “Happiness” with Ron Johnson

happiness

Here he has his guitar in the garden. While he sings, “The Tax Returns Don’t File Themselves.”

Ladies and gentlemen, Ron from accounting would like to sing a song for you.

22. Jeff: Something Special from Jeff

jeff

From Mental Floss: “Poor Jeff looks like death warmed over, from his Herman Munster tan to that funeral director suit. I just hope the ‘something special’ he’s got for us doesn’t involve that hook.”

Presenting something special by the all incomparable Jeff.

23. Rusty Warren: Knockers Up!

KnockersUp

They seem awfully close to one another while drinking martinis. I think I know where this is going.

This drummer always knows how to turn on the charm.

24. Alan Gardiner Accordion Band: Play It Again

LP-Accordians

Oh, God, you don’t want to have 4 accordions in a room like that. That’s not a party. That’s torture.

With accordions you’ll always have a party.

25. Zillertal Band: Beer Drinking Songs by the Zillertal Band

LP-GermanDrinking

Yes, this album features a lot of German drinking songs. And a couple of guys just have to enjoy a beer with a barmaid who might be a Vulcan.

Finally, an album you can play for Ocktoberfest.

26. Millie Jackson: E.S.P

millie1

Nonetheless, the crystal ball seems to magnify her boobs. Since the ball is almost totally transparent.

Millie Jackson sees all, knows all.

27. Elin Proysen and Egil Johansson: Med et Smil

NorweignLP

This is from Norway. Still, on the bright side, despite being stranded on their car, their music could attract flood rescuers.

Just because you’ve been flooded on the road, doesn’t mean you can’t have fun making music.

28. Mohamed El-Bakkar and His Oriental Ensemble: Port Said Music of the Middle East

PortSaid

Still, it features a very scantily clad belly dancer that would infuriate many Muslims today. Besides, are those nipple pasties?

Be transported to exotic places with music from the Middle East.

29. Li’l Richard and His All Stars: Happy Easter

Really-Bad-Album-Covers-LiL-Richard

Yet, he probably got that nickname while in prison for armed robbery. And no, I don’t think the bunnies soften his rough-hewn image.

No, he’s not that L’il Richard.

30. The McKeithens

Really-Bad-Album-Covers-McKeithens

I mean the one woman has a beehive that’s straight from the 1700s. And yes, this is a Christian album.

Brought to you by Marie Antoinette hair products.

31. Jean Pierre Jumez: The Nimble Fingers of Jean Pierre Jumez

Really-Bad-Album-Covers-Nimble-Fingers

Seriously, is this guy even wearing pants? Maybe I really don’t want to know.

He’s a musician so dedicated to his art that he practices on the toilet.

32. Siegfried Schwab & the Voice of Rosy: The Fabulous Guitar from Bach to Almeida

bad-album-covers-4-big

Ironically, Johann Sebastian Bach wasn’t known for being a perv. In fact, he was a family man known for fathering 20 kids with 2 wives.

Didn’t know Bach was into women in pink bodysuits.

33. Sister Mary Bernadette O.P.: Sister Sings of Many Things

SisterSings

So what kind of things does she sing about? Okay, I know religious music is most likely. But for all I know she could be singing about pina coladas or something.

There’s not just one singing nun out there.

34. Daniel DiCarlo and His Orchestra: Moonlight Madness

TigerLP

Indeed, she’s touching the whiskers of a guy in a tiger suit. An early example of furry fandom at its finest.

Featuring Ginger and her tiger friend.

35. Buzz Martin: Where There Walks a Logger There Walks a Man

untitled

Monty Python lumberjack-transvestite jokes aside, loggers aren’t known for their resilience. Should more appropriately be titled: Where There Walks a Logger There Walks a High Insurance Risk.

Because lumberjacks are the pinnacle of manliness.

36. Willeta Boren: Let Everything That Has Breath Praise the Lord

WilletaBoren

And yet, the wind has no effect on her large hairdo. Thanks to copious amounts of hair spray.

Here we have Willeta walking on the sand.

37. Black Sabbath: Born Again

worst-album-covers-born-again

Man, that’s one freakish baby. Even has devil horns, fans, and claws. Still, Black Sabbath is a metal band so this isn’t out of the ordinary for them.

Featuring the infant spawn of Satan.

38. Cody Matherson: “Can I Borrow a Feelin?'”

Worst-Album-Covers-Cody-MAthews

From Mental Floss: “Cody had the great honor of having his album title stolen by the writers of The Simpsons: in the episode “A Milhouse Divided,” after Milhouse’s dad loses his marriage and hits rock bottom he records a terrible album called “Can I Borrow A Feeling?” Sounds like Matherson should borrow a lawyer.”

By the hunkiest man from the trailer park.

39. The Melachrino Orchestra: Music for Daydreaming

Worst-Album-Covers-Daydreaming

Yet, she feels quite inadequate with her life. With a boyfriend who won’t give her the time of day and a dead-end job, Blanche often sought to live a fantasy life.

Brought to you by the woman reading her book with a yellow rose.

40. ET: Best Friends

Worst-Album-Covers-ET

Seriously, his pants have seashells on them. Also, comes across as a rap artist Eddie Murphy would parody on SNL during the 1980s.

Featuring his seashell pants.

41. W.W. Bauer, M.D. and Florence Marvayne Bauer: Explaining Sex to Your Little Girl: A Common Sense Guide to Growing Up

Worst-Album-Covers-Explaing-Sex

Yeah, this is pretty awkward. And here the girl sits on her dad’s lap as he explains periods.

Need to explain sex to your daughter? This album could help.

42. Gary Dee Bradford: Gary Dee Bradford Sings for You and You and You

Worst-Album-Covers-Gary-Dee

Look into his eyes and you’ll see a soulless child from the Village of the Damned. Don’t let his smile fool you.

Here the voice of the kid who seems like he’d kill ants with a magnifying glass.

43. The Gospel Four: The Gospel Four Sings “I Won’t Walk Without Jesus”

Worst-Album-Covers-Gospel-Four

Seriously, look at their coats. Also, the woman’s bouffant is so garish. In addition, they seem like they’re watching a squirrel do something funny.

Sponsored by red denim.

44. Tex Ritter: Tex Ritter Sings “Happy Hands!”

Worst-Album-Covers-Happy-Hands

After all, children need clean hands in order to strangle the living daylights out of you. Seriously, those kids appear to be the stuff of nightmares.

Said to be “a song that teaches the value of clean and busy hands.”

45. Moscow Nights: Popular Russian Hits

Worst-Album-Covers-Moscow-Nights

Apparently, they don’t party very hard in Russia. Though I think the happy couple dancing must be drunk on vodka. Since the others have blasé faces.

Listen to the popular music of Russia.

46. Music to Massage Your Mate By

Worst-Album-Covers-Music-to-massage-your-mate

However, this woman’s face says, “Not feeling it.” While the guy could almost pass for a 1970s porn star.

Rub down your mate with a collection of these tunes.

47. Weela Gallez: A Hysterical Evening with Weela Gallez

Worst-Album-Covers-My-Turtles-Dead

And yet, she dresses like she’s just been on vacation. Still, that face as she’s holding her monkey in sheer horror is priceless.

Caption: “My turtle’s dead!”

48. Julia & Barbara the Blind Slye Twins: It’s Me Again Lord

Worst-Album-Covers-The-Blind-Slye-Twins

Sure they can’t see a thing. But they’re bound to haunt your dreams with their big hair and thirst for blood.

Hear the songs of Christian twins you wouldn’t want to run into at a haunted hotel.

49. Tubby Boots: Tubby Boots Goes Topless

Worst-Album-Covers-Tubby-Boots

Yet, that doesn’t mean you should put nipple pasties on your man boobs. Also, is that a centurion helmet?

But why do an album on that?

50. W.A.S.P: Animal (F**k Like a Beast)

Worst-Album-Covers-W.A.S.P.

I’m sure any guy looking at this album cover would freak out over the saw in the crotch belt. Seriously, that looks really painful.

Brought to you by the crotch ripper.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Fourth Edition)

f51af0cdd7a0b9d22b9a7110.L

After Thanksgiving, it’s not unusual to hear Christmas music played in stores as well as on several radio stations. And if you work in the service industry, you’re probably sick of hearing Christmas songs already, especially if they make your ears bleed. Of course, you may also see an array of Christmas albums by some of your favorite recording artists who worked on them during the summer. In some ways, recording a Christmas album might seem like a good idea. After all, some artists have recorded songs that have become holiday classics. Yet, other times a Christmas album might come across as a way to make money and will probably end up in the discount rack at a store near you. Nevertheless, as with any albums, Christmas albums come in a wide variety of covers. Some of them could seem tame like the Johnny Mathis cover above. But others come in covers that are hysterically tacky or in very poor taste. And in that case, you might wonder why anyone though such a design was a good idea. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas album covers.

  1. Gisele MacKenzie: Christmas with Gisele

Apparently, the dogs seem to have others ideas. Also, is she hugging a fur coat?

There’s nothing better than spending Christmas with your dogs.

2. RuPaul: Ho Ho Ho

I’m sure this yuletide drag routine is fine for RuPaul’s Drag Race. But for a Christmas album? Not so much. Also, the title doesn’t help matters either.

Evidently, RuPaul has tried to make forays into the Christmas music scene.

3. Yoko Ono: An Xmas Message from Yoko 1991

This doesn’t seem to be very Christmasy. Nothing here seems to inspire good cheer at all. Just a vast blackness.

Yoko would like to say something for the holiday season.

4. Bette Midler: Cool Yule

Bette Midler looks as if she’s about select tributes on Reaping Day. Not celebrate Christmas.

Didn’t know that Bette Midler was a fan of the Hunger Games.

5. God Jul Onskar

Though Towa couldn’t seem to eke a smile since a fly had been buzzing around her. This was the best she could do.

The whole gang would like to wish you holiday greetings.

6. Liberace: Christmas at Liberace’s

Then again, Santa was probably expecting a gaudy palace. And he was disappointed that he came to surprisingly normal furnishings.

Somehow Santa Claus wasn’t impressed by Liberace’s Christmas decorations.

7. John Travolta and Olivia Newton John: This Christmas

Guess the chemistry they had in Grease has evaporated. Also, is that John’s real hair?

I guess this is the Grease reunion none of us wanted.

8. Jingle Cats: Here Comes Santa Claws

Can’t believe you’d find another cat singing album. Still, the cat on the guitar is hilarious.

For those wanting to listen to cats screeching to holiday favorites, this is for you.

9. The Clancy Brothers: Christmas

Don’t seem to have any Christmas decorations here. But you have a couple glaring Irish stereotypes.

There’s nothing better than spending Christmas in an Irish pub.

10. Mojo Nixon and the Toadliquors: Horny Holidays

Yeah, that guy seems more suited for a sex offender list than a Christmas album cover. And no, the Santa hat and beard doesn’t help.

Merry Christmas, from your local neighborhood sexual deviant.

11. Bob Ward: Merry Christmas, Especially for You

No, I don’t think the girls like Bob from accounting because he plays the organ. Rather it’s because he spends his lunch breaks creeping in the ladies room.

Because nothing makes the holidays like a creepy bald guy playing Christmas music on his organ.

12. A Brass Band Christmas

I’m sure the music is good. But depicting instruments as cartoon characters is more appropriate for a kids’ album.

We all know how brass guys stick together during the holidays.

13. Afroman: Jobe Bells

Though I do think seeing the reindeer with a cigarette is quite amusing. Then again, maybe that explains the look on Santa’s face.

Apparently, this Santa’s breaking all the rules.

14. Bob Kames: Organ and Chimes

From Music Radar: “As far as we know, this is the only one that looks like a carefully posed backwoods murder scene.” Caption reads: “Bob Kames, now in the Black Lodge forever.”

For Christmas would never be without a small decorated tree in the woods.

15.   Anne Sofie von Otter: Home for Christmas

From Classic FM: “OK, so there’s a massive ghost version of ASVO, a creepy beach scene and a child on some sort of weird camping chair being pushed by an unknown adult. If that’s Christmas in the Otter household, we dread to think what happens at New Year.”

Christmas is always about spending time with family.

16. Bad Religion: Christmas Songs

Though why a boy would be exhilarated to receive a new pair of loafers is beyond me. Seriously, that’s a face of a boy who gets an Xbox.

After all, Christmas is about the joy of giving.

17. Canadian Brass: Christmas Time Is Here

From Classic FM: “We can’t fault the repertoire on this album, but the horrifying cover art is all over the place. And you’d think they’d get cold, gaily larking about on that incredibly realistic ice rink.”

Apparently, their rendition of A Charlie Brown Christmas wasn’t a rousing success.

18. Cheeky Girls: Have a Cheeky Christmas

From Official Charts: “It’s never inappropriate for two grown women to straddle a man dressed as Santa, is it?” Either way, Santa doesn’t seem to mind.

Apparently, Santa thinks these two have been very good this year.

19. Kiri Te Kanawa: Christmas with Kiri Te Kanawa

From Classic FM: “Dame Kiri is so excited about Christmas this year that she’s decided to wear nothing but Christmas decorations.” Kind of makes sense.

On Christmas it helps if a diva always shimmers.

20. Christmas with the Choral Scholars of King’s College, Cambridge 

From Classic FM: “What do you mean we forgot to do the album artwork? Oh never mind, just knock something together with MS Paint, no-one will know. Clip-art’s really popular now anyway.”

Enjoy the season with the sound from the Cambridge University choir.

21. Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton: Once Upon a Christmas

From Music Radar: “This country coming-together is a spin-off from another Christmas special, CBS’ Kenny & Dolly: A Christmas To Remember from 1984. It’s also the exact moment at which Dolly Parton stopped aging – that mounted reindeer shows more wear from the last quarter century than the miniature dynamo.”

For nothing makes a country Christmas during the 1980s like a collaboration album with Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton.

22. Dapper Laughs: Proper Naughty Xmas

From Official Charts: “We don’t really have much to say about this absolute monstrosity but you can’t keep using ‘it’s cold’ as an excuse, Dapper…”

Please tell me that guy’s at least wearing underwear.

23. Donny Osmond: Christmas at Home

Donny Osmond here seems like he’d rather spend the holidays outside in the freezing cold than spend time with his family. And we thought the Osmonds were a happy bunch.

There’s no place like home for the holidays, unless perhaps you’re Donny Osmond.

24. Evie: Come on, Ring Those Bells

That way, if you don’t want to snuggle with her, she’ll hack you to pieces and feed you to the fire. Now isn’t that nice?

Evie always enjoys spending Christmas by warm fire.

25. Explosivo Tropical Bristol

And you can definitely see he tan lines as the tinsel and ornaments cover her naughty bits. Still, I’m sure this is part of a marketing ploy.

Season’s greetings from some hotel room in Mexico for some reason.

26. Fast Food Rockers: I Love Christmas

What do you mean this was from 2003? And it reached 25 on the charts? They also have a music video on YouTube which appears straight out of an acid trip. And yes, it’s as bad as you think.

For we all know how winter’s the perfect time for 1980s cartoon cosplay.

27. Hanson: Snowed In

Seems like these guys got caught up in the Christmas lights. Thankfully, they didn’t suffer any injuries. But none seem happy about it.

Who knew that these Hanson brothers sucked at Christmas decorating?

28. Hollywood Bowl Symphony Orchestra: Great Orchestral Music of Christmas

Apparently, while Santa bestows presents to all the girls and boys, he also tends to kidnap a few of them. Yes, definitely an album cover to induce trauma and nightmares.

There’s always a certain nostalgia with meeting Santa at the mall while on a bad LSD trip.

29. Ice-T: Christmas with Ice-T

Even Santa thinks this is ridiculous. Yeah, Ice-T, I think you’re an embarrassment by this point.

Uh, Ice-T, I think you’re way too old to sit on Santa’s lap.

30. Woody Phillips: A Toolbox Christmas

From Music Radar: “The cover to this gourd music monster looks like a soft-focus snuff movie before the messy part begins. The noise is even worse: it sounds a bit like real music, in the same way a tongueless dog howling at the moon sounds like a trained choirist. See?”

After all, why tinker in the garage without hearing the sounds of the holidays?

31. Jimi Hendrix: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Still, he doesn’t seem to wear the Santa suit well. Then again, this seems like a contractual obligation.

Hendrix had a Christmas album? Wonder what that sounds like.

32. Sing Along with Marcy: Christmas with Marcy

Though she could just as easily throw her cat on her lap into the fire. Don’t think this album’s full of good cheer at all.

Christmas is a time of year when you snuggle with your loved ones by the fire.

33. Motorhead: Ace of Spades Christmas Edition

One of these Santas is giving the finger. And no, you don’t want to know what’s under their robes. Also, is that cage in the background?

This year, Santa’s on the naughty list.

34. Mr. Hankey: Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics

Though to be fair, there are a lot of shitty Christmas albums out there. It’s just this one’s sung by a someone who knows he’s crap.

Nothing says Christmas like music coming from a literal turd.

35. New Kids on the Block: Merry, Merry Christmas

Though one of these guys looks as if he’s getting strangled by his scarf. Way to go, guys.

New Kids on the Block always enjoy sledding during the holidays.

36. A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records

This is said to be 142 on Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Albums of all time. However, since it was produced by Phil Spector, the imagery seems rather unsettling in hindsight. Because we all know that Spector would later go to prison for murder.

Each of their groups comes literally gift wrapped.

37. Joe Gibbs Family of Artists: Reggae Christmas

Yet, instead of decorating a Christmas tree, Jamaicans use a pot plant, which kind of works. Okay, maybe not. Still, is it any wonder why we associate reggae music with marijuana?

Apparently, Christmas is a very high time in Jamaica.

38. Scott Weiland: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It seems like this guy’s in a dark alley to get some bootleg albums for his family. Doesn’t seem to have a smile emanating good cheer.

Though Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, his expression says otherwise.

39. Ringo Starr: I Wanna Be Santa Claus

From Music Radar: “Keeping up the collaborative theme, the album art was apparently designed through a colouring competition in McDonalds.” Also, this is from 1999?

Sorry, Ringo, but you seem to look more like the Grinch.

40. Tavin Pumarejo with his Tuna Fish: Trullando en Navidad

I’m not sure waht that has to do with Christmas. But I won’t be surprise if he’s tripping balls by now.

There’s nothing like Christmas like spending time with your dear uh, tuna fish.

41. Horacio Samalot: La Trifuca

To be fair, I’m sure this album was made somewhere in Latin America. But still, Santa and the 3 Wise Men? That can’t be right.

Santa always enjoys to play outside with the Three Wise Men for some reason.

42. Charlie the Hamster with Floyd Robinson: Charlie the Hamster Sing Christmas Songs with Floyd Robinson

There they are in the back of Santa’s sleigh. And it seems that Santa just took notice.

Great we have a Christmas album sung by a hamster.

43. Jul med Yngve Stoor

However, he appears to be sporting a sunburn while he’s playing a guitar. Also, no one wants to see him in a swimsuit.

Santa always enjoys riding the waves in the Pacific.

44. The Most Fabulous Classical Christmas Album Ever

From Classic FM: “We know, we know, it’s not right to play the ‘highbrow’ card when it comes to classical music. But really. Poodles? A sun with a face on it? A sequined sack with a cello coming out of it? Many, many composers are turning in their graves.”

For nothing makes a classical Christmas like a woman in a short dress and poodles on the roof.

45. Howdy Doody’s Christmas Party

Howdy Doody was a popular kid’s show in the 1950s. Though I totally understand if you think it was a horror show with killer clowns and dolls that would haunt your dreams.

Enjoy Christmas with Howdy Doody and his friends, kids.

46. The Yobs: Christmas Album

I’m sure this is kind of intentional. Still, it’s guaranteed to at least offend someone, which is kind of the point.

Seems like these guys are doing everything to get on the naughty list.

47. Christmas Dubstep

Looking at this, you’d think the North Pole was run the same way as the Playboy Mansion. Also, I don’t think yuletide lingerie can keep you from freezing to death in sub zero temperature. But Santa likes what he sees.

Kind of traumatizing to see Santa’s workshop as a sex dungeon.

48. Vienna Boys Choir: Christmas in Vienna

From Classic FM: “You know, this one wouldn’t be so bad if they actually looked like they were enjoying themselves. Even the dog looks clinically fed-up.”

Though the Vienna Boys themselves don’t seem quite merry this time.

49. Kim Se-Hwan: Merry Christmas

From Music Radar: “Normally, skiing without a helmet is considered dangerous, but Kim’s side parting is resin-coated and is strong enough to withstand bullets even when fired from close range.”

You can’t have Christmas in South Korea without some tinsel.

50. Rotary Connection: Peace

Okay, those heads are photoshopped to dolls. Guaranteed to inspire some yuletide nightmares during the season. Yeah, that really creeps me out.

Let’s hope those people on Santa’s lap are elves.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Third Edition)

photo

During the summer time, while the rest of us are having fun in the sun and possibly going on vacation if they’re lucky, many of your favorite celebrity music performers are busy recording their Christmas albums. So by this time, they’d be ready for sale this holiday season so you and your loved ones can enjoy some holiday favorites. Of course, Christmas albums have been all the rage for a very long time. I ought to know since I already completed two posts of some of the bad covers. And I decided to do another since the depth of bad Christmas album covers is endless. Sure you might find them horrifying beyond description like a trainwreck or this year’s election (which saw an unrespectable man ascend to the presidency and over 60 million people were conned into voting for him). Yet, you might some unintentionally funny. And if you’re over a certain age, you might find some Christmas album covers on here that you’d rather forget. So for your holiday reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of horrendous Christmas albums from yesterday.

  1. Dr. Duke Tumatoe: It’s Christmas
Yet, there's a blurb that says, "(Let's have sex)." As if I think a guy like that in a Santa suit is sexy. Not.

Yet, there’s a blurb that says, “(Let’s have sex).” As if I think a guy like that in a Santa suit is sexy. Actually, it’s kind of creepy.

An album featuring a dancing Santa is always a delight to look at.

2. Bob Dylan: Sings Holiday Favorites

Yeah, that Santa hat is totally photoshopped. Also, Dylan, if you should release a Christmas album the next time, let it be one where you write the songs.

Yeah, that Santa hat is totally photoshopped. Also, Dylan, if you should release a Christmas album the next time, let it be one where you write the songs.

If you like Christmas music and crave the nasal voices of folk rock, this album is for you.

3. Garth Brooks: Garth Brooks & the Magic of Christmas

So I guess that Garth Brooks moonlights as a fortune teller. Or some sort of dark seer bandit from the Old West.

So I guess that Garth Brooks moonlights as a fortune teller. Or some sort of dark seer bandit from the Old West.

If you’re into Christmas, country, and the occult supernatural, Garth Brooks got you covered.

4. Raymond Lefevre and His Orchestra: Merry Christmas

That stack of presents doesn't look steady and seems about ready to fall. But the woman in here doesn't seem upset about it at all. She just keeps smiling.

That stack of presents doesn’t look steady and seems about ready to fall. But the woman in here doesn’t seem upset about it at all. She just keeps smiling.

This album cover shows you can never carry enough presents in your hands.

5. 38 Special: A Wild-Eyed Christmas

Okay, eyeball ornaments are utterly creepy and not suited for Christmas at all. So why did they think this album cover was a good idea?

Okay, eyeball ornaments are utterly creepy and not suited for Christmas at all. So why did they think this album cover was a good idea?

During the yuletide season, even the ornaments have their eyes on you.

6. Kenny Chesney: All I Want For Christmas Is a Real Assed Tan

I heard that Kenny Chesney used a similar photo shot for his audition for Magic Mike but was rejected. So he decided to go for a variation for his Christmas album.

I heard that Kenny Chesney used a similar photo shot for his audition for Magic Mike but was rejected. So he decided to go for a variation for his Christmas album. Still, spending time on the beach isn’t Christmas to me.

Because nothing says a country Christmas like wintering in Boca Raton.

7. John Waters: A John Waters Christmas

To be fair, he's more of a dark comic writer. Yet, if there's a fire in your house, you just have to do something about it. Like get a fire extinguisher and call 911.

To be fair, he’s more of a dark comic writer. Yet, if there’s a fire in your house, you just have to do something about it. Like get a fire extinguisher and call 911.

For John Waters not even a fire among the presents will keep him from enjoying the holiday season.

8. The Mistletoe Disco Band: Christmas Disco

Yes, Christmas disco albums do exist. But at least this album didn't feature Santa Claus in a red polyester suit. Because that would've been worse.

Yes, Christmas disco albums do exist. But at least this album didn’t feature Santa Claus in a red polyester suit. Because that would’ve been worse.

Now you can listen to your Christmas favorites to the sound that reminds you of the 1970s or Europeans.

9. Chabelo: Chabelo en Navidad

Sure he'll freeze his ass off in these clothes. But to add insult to injury, he's also wearing socks with sandals. You know committing one of the cardinal sins of fashion.

Sure he’ll freeze his ass off in these clothes during the winter. But to add insult to injury, he’s also wearing socks with sandals. You know committing one of the cardinal sins of fashion.

For there is no better winter attire than your golf course attire in May.

10. Les Chaussettes Noires

It's even funnier that they're dressed with red capes on their heads and robes. It's like they're dressed in a cross between Merlin and Santa Claus. Yes, it's kind of weird.

It’s even funnier that they’re dressed with red capes on their heads and robes. It’s like they’re dressed in a cross between Merlin and Santa Claus. Yes, it’s kind of weird.

Ever imagined a Santa rock band? Now you don’t need to.

11. Christmas Disco Party

Yeah, Santa, wait until Mrs. Claus finds out about you and that blonde. Boy, you're sleeping in the doghouse tonight.

Yeah, Santa, wait until Mrs. Claus finds out about you and that blonde. Boy, you’re sleeping in the doghouse tonight.

That moment when Santa comes to his senses that fooling around with a dancing swimsuit model might put him on the naughty list.

12. Midnight String Quartet: Christmas Rhapsodies for Young Lovers

Sure they may list traditional hits. But the vibes I get from this picture is "Baby It's Cold Outside."

Sure they may list traditional hits. But the vibes I get from this picture is “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” You know the one where the woman wants to go home while the guy wants her to stay and well, you get the idea.

Finally, a the kind of Christmas album that can get 20-somethings in the mood for romance.

13. Liberace: Twas the Night Before Christmas

So what did Liberace do to get a coat of so much fur? Shoot a polar bear? Seems reasonable enough.

So what did Liberace do to get a coat of so much fur? Shoot a polar bear? Seems reasonable enough.

Because it Can’t be Christmas without seeing Liberace in his long fur coat of glory.

14. Gayla Peevey: I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

You probably remember the song on this album. But at least the cover goes to great lengths why any child shouldn't want a hippopotamus for Christmas. I mean hippos kill more people in Africa than lions.

You probably remember the song on this album. But at least the cover goes to great lengths why any child shouldn’t want a hippopotamus for Christmas. I mean hippos kill more people in Africa than lions.

For nothing makes a girl jump for joy on Christmas than a scarily dressed hippo that could eat her alive.

15. Sufjan Stevens: Sufjan Stevens Presents Astral Interplanetary Space Captain Christmas Infinity Voyage

Too bad the space captain will probably suffocate in there and die. Since a turban won't protect him in the vacuum of space. Also, that's not Sufjan Stevens.

Too bad the space captain will probably suffocate in there and die. Since a turban won’t protect him in the vacuum of space. Also, that’s not Sufjan Stevens.

Sufjan Stevens would like to wish you all Merry Christmas from space.

16. Lawrence Welk: Christmas Memories

My dad used to dread watching Lawrence Welk when he was a kid. Looking at this album cover, I can totally understand why. He seems like he could break into your house and kill you with an accordion any moment.

My dad used to dread watching Lawrence Welk when he was a kid. Looking at this album cover, I can totally understand why. He seems like he could break into your house and kill you with an accordion any moment.

Nothing says Christmas like bandleader being a massive creep in his Santa suit.

17. Merry Cajun Christmas Volume Two

Uh, doesn't Santa have a sleigh that he doesn't need to row among gators? Or creepy banjo players? Seriously, he has a flying reindeer pulled sleigh for God's sake!

Uh, doesn’t Santa have a sleigh that he doesn’t need to row among gators? Or creepy banjo players? Seriously, he has a flying reindeer pulled sleigh for God’s sake!

Santa Claus has to be a brave man to deliver presents to the boys and girls while dodging a river of hungry gators.

18. Eartha Kitt: Santa Baby

At least Eartha Kitt's pose sitting on Santa's lap doesn't shy away from what the song is about. Of course, Mrs. Claus wouldn't approve.

At least Eartha Kitt’s pose sitting on Santa’s lap doesn’t shy away from what the song is about. Of course, Mrs. Claus wouldn’t approve.

For some women just can’t help but think Santa Claus as the ultimate sugar daddy.

19. Afroman: Afroman’s Colt 45 Christmas: Original Uncut Version

This Christmas album cover is kind of depressing if you ask me. It could just as well be used for the soundtrack to The Wire.

This Christmas album cover is kind of depressing if you ask me. It seems like a more appropriate cover for the soundtrack to the Wire, than on anything to do with the holidays.

As we know Christmas can be a time of cold weather and cold malt liquor.

20. Cyndi Lauper: Merry Christmas….Have a Nice Life!

Guess she's thinking, "Oh, God, why did they make me do this? And how long do I have to sit next to this red suited creep?"

Guess she’s thinking, “Oh, God, why did they make me do this? And how long do I have to sit next to this red suited creep?”

For some reason, Cyndi Lauper always dreaded visiting Santa at the mall.

21. The Hiltonaires with the Tony Mansell Singers: Swingin’ in a Winter Wonderland

Don't ask me but Sant seems a bit pervy toward that girl in this one. And I'm not sure how old this girl is. Sure hope she's 18.

Don’t ask me but Sant seems a bit pervy toward that girl in this one. And I’m not sure how old this girl is. Sure hope she’s 18.

Santa Claus always enjoys dancing with skimpy clad women around the Christmas tree.

22. The Pac Man Christmas Story

So I guess this story consists of gorging through a maze without being seen by goblins. Because that's what the game is like.

So I guess this story consists of gorging through a maze without being seen by goblins. Because that’s what the game is like. Yet, this suggests otherwise.

Ever wish you had a Christmas album of an Atari video game. Look no further.

23. Student Nurses Sing the Season In

Hits include: "They Three Drunks of SantaCon Are," "Bedpans We Have Heard on High," "I'll Be On Call for Christmas," and "Away in a Gurney." You know stuff nurses have to deal with over the holidays.

Hits include: “They Three Drunks of SantaCon Are,” “Bedpans We Have Heard on High,” “I’ll Be On Call for Christmas,” and “Away in a Gurney.” You know stuff nurses have to deal with over the holidays.

For nothing brings bright holiday cheer than student nurses singing Christmas carols.

24. What Can You Get a Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?)

Yes, they did songs like these back in the day. They even had a Star Wars Christmas special. Still, this cover of Chewbacca is hilarious.

Yes, they did songs like these back in the day. They even had a Star Wars Christmas special. Still, this cover of Chewbacca is hilarious.

Uh, I can guess a set of hair brushes and combs suited for musk oxen. Or a vacuum to clean up after himself?

25. Henry Mancini, His Orchestra, and Chorus: A Merry Mancini Christmas

Still, it doesn't seem like the who crew really wants to participate. His daughter next to his wife seems like she's dragged into doing the stupid photoshoot and feels like the kids at school will make fun at her for it. On the bright side, I hope it has some Christmas songs in the Pink Panther or Peter Gunn theme. That would be awesome.

Still, it doesn’t seem like the who crew really wants to participate. His daughter next to his wife seems like she’s dragged into doing the stupid photoshoot and feels like the kids at school will make fun at her for it. On the bright side, I hope it has some Christmas songs in the Pink Panther or Peter Gunn theme. That would be awesome.

Of course, when you’re a famous composer it helps to put your family on the Christmas album cover.

26. Universal Robot Band: Disco Christmas

This whole album design seems like it was madeby someone on acid. Because nothing about it makes any logical sense.

This whole album design seems like it was madeby someone on acid. Because nothing about it makes any logical sense.

Listen to the songs that would make Santa and his reindeer boogie this holiday season in space.

27. Pepsi Feliz Navidad!

Okay, I know they're drinking pop. But did they really have to show kids drinking from wine glasses? Because it looks like a classic case of underage drinking.

Okay, I know they’re drinking pop, not red wine. But did they really have to show kids drinking from wine glasses? Because it looks like a classic case of underage drinking.

The holidays are always a time of year to give a toast to new beginnings.

28. Lawrence Welk: Merry Christmas from Lawrence Welk and His Champagne Music

Because if his nightmarish face didn't scare you, note his tree seems covered in cobwebs. And no, that sight doesn't make me merry.

Because if his nightmarish face didn’t scare you, note his tree seems covered in cobwebs. And no, that sight doesn’t make me merry.

Merry Christmas from the creepy bandleader your grandparents probably like and his nightmare before Christmas tree.

29. Le Vrai Pere Noel Chante

That kid in buckskin really doesn't look like an Indian. And I'm not sure about the kid in Asian dress either. Also, the Santa with these kids is guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

That kid in buckskin really doesn’t look like an Indian. And I’m not sure about the kid in Asian dress either. Also, the Santa with these kids is guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

Think of it as a Village People children’s Christmas album but more racist.

30. Leon Russell: Moonlight & Love Songs

To be fair, the late Leon Russell did perform at Woodstock and was renowned in his own right. But his Christmas album makes him seem like Santa who knows that you've been really bad this year. Not sure why the dog is here.

To be fair, the late Leon Russell did perform at Woodstock and was renowned in his own right. But his Christmas album makes him seem like Santa who knows that you’ve been really bad this year. Not sure why the dog is here.

There’s nothing like it on Christmas than posing for an album with the dog that best matches your beard in a black background.

31. Charles Bronson: Twas the Night Before Bronson

I find it hard to imagine a guy like Charles Bronson having a Christmas album unless it includes anything revenge oriented. Also, that Christmas hat doesn't help matters at all.

I find it hard to imagine a guy like Charles Bronson having a Christmas album unless it includes anything revenge oriented. Also, that Christmas hat doesn’t help matters at all.

Now you can hear action star Charles Bronson sing your holiday favorites.

32. Antonio Fargas: It’s Christmas

On Starsky and Hutch, Huggy Bear was a police informant who talked jive and was ethically ambiguous. He also dressed flashy and operated his own bar. You can guess where this is going....

On Starsky and Hutch, Huggy Bear was a police informant who talked jive and was ethically ambiguous. He also dressed flashy and operated his own bar. You can guess where this is going….

Fans of Starsky and Hutch will certainly like this Christmas album from Huggy Bear.

33. Michala Petri: Noel! Noel! Noel! Christmas with Michala Petri

It's said Ms. Petri has her choir boys to surround her in order to keep her warm as she plays her bassoon. Yeah, I know the snowy backdrop bit doesn't make sense.

It’s said Ms. Petri has her choir boys to surround her in order to keep her warm as she plays her bassoon. Yeah, I know the snowy backdrop bit doesn’t make sense.

Nothing says Christmas like a singer surrounded by choir boys in a snowy mountain backdrop.

34. Roger Whittaker: The Roger Whittaker Christmas Album

If it weren't for that fur coat, you'd think this man would just be some guy on the street who's secretly a serial killer. Then again, maybe I assume too much.

If it weren’t for that fur coat, you’d think this man would just be some guy on the street who’s secretly a serial killer. Then again, maybe I assume too much.

Or the kind of album you’d expect to be made by that freaky guy in accounting.

35. Tijuana Voices with Brass: Sing Merry Christmas

However, according to the album, they even suggest that Tijuana women are known for their distinctive mustaches. Don't say we didn't warn you.

However, according to the album, they even suggest that Tijuana women are known for their distinctive mustaches. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Christmas time is always a festive occasion in Tijuana, Mexico.

36. Exciting Christmas Stories

Batman looks as if he has rabies while Wondy and Superman don't seem concerned about it. Okay, he's wearing a Santa beard. But still, it's disturbing.

Batman looks as if he has rabies while Wondy and Superman don’t seem concerned about it. Okay, he’s wearing a Santa beard. But still, it’s disturbing.

Kids, share your Christmas by listening to tales about your favorite DC Comics superheroes.

37. Elton John: Elton John’s Christmas Party

Uh, Elton, I like your music and all. But I think we're all a bit freaked out about you having a record at your crotch. Just letting you know.

Uh, Elton, I like your music and all. But I think we’re all a bit freaked out about you having a record at your crotch. Just letting you know.

Celebrate Christmas with the music of the legendary Sir Elton John.

38. Liberace: Christmas Memories

Now I can understand why Liberace decides to dress in lavish furs at the piano. Yeah, too gangster.

Now I can understand why Liberace decides to dress in lavish furs at the piano. Yeah, too gangster.

Those who want to see Liberace dressed as Nucky Thompson need not look further.

39. Wham!: Last Christmas

From First Draft: "Poor Andrew Ridgely. Wasn’t it bad enough to be George Michael’s sidekick? They had to make the poor bastard a reindeer. I hope no Norwegian tried to eat him. That would not be Whamtastic."

From First Draft: “Poor Andrew Ridgely. Wasn’t it bad enough to be George Michael’s sidekick? They had to make the poor bastard a reindeer. I hope no Norwegian tried to eat him. That would not be Whamtastic.”

Fans of George Michael might enjoy listening to the earworm sappy Christmas song that’s annoying as hell. Seriously, I hate this song with a passion.

40. Garvis

From Turntabling: "I don’t even want to know what THIS bunch is on about. It looks like a prison lineup, but ESPECIALLY the guy on the far left. What the hell’s going on in THIS gent’s head? Images of sugarplums, no doubt, slicing up the neighborhood winos and barbecuing pets on a wood stove."

From Turntabling: “I don’t even want to know what THIS bunch is on about. It looks like a prison lineup, but ESPECIALLY the guy on the far left. What the hell’s going on in THIS gent’s head? Images of sugarplums, no doubt, slicing up the neighborhood winos and barbecuing pets on a wood stove.”

Because Christmas can’t get more into the Disco years than this.

41. Ruth Lyons: Ten Tunes of Christmas

Well, it's not quite a Charlie Brown Tree. Yet, even decorating it in tinsel and ornaments can't make it look festive. So sad. But I guess they had to make it work.

Well, it’s not quite a Charlie Brown Tree. Yet, even decorating it in tinsel and ornaments can’t make it look festive. So sad. But I guess they had to make it work.

That moment when you had to settle for the last tree at the Christmas tree farm and have to do a family Christmas card at the family owned hotel.

42. Homer and Jethro: Cool Crazy Christmas with Homer & Jethro

However, seeing them dressed up as kids in this is a very different story. Seriously, guys, you're creeping me out.

However, seeing them dressed up as kids in this is a very different story. Seriously, guys, you’re creeping me out.

Nothing says Christmas like seeing a couple of grown men playing with toys.

43. Thore Skogmans Julkivia: Klappa Pa

For all we know, he could just be luring this kid to put in a sack and do terrible things to him in his windowless van. But what do I know?

For all we know, he could just be luring this kid to put in a sack and do terrible things to him in his windowless van. But what do I know?

Remember, kids, just because a guy is in a Santa suit doesn’t mean he’s nice.

44. The Oak Ridge Boys: Christmas

From Flashbak: "Three of these guys belong in either a seedy bus station or a rustic log cabin – not a tacky eighties living room. Like matzo balls in clam chowder, they do not belong."

From Flashbak: “Three of these guys belong in either a seedy bus station or a rustic log cabin – not a tacky eighties living room. Like matzo balls in clam chowder, they do not belong.”

There’s nothing on Christmas like seeing a bunch of bearded guys enjoying themselves around the tree.

45. William Hung: Hung for the Holidays

From NME: "It doesn’t bode well for a Christmas album when its cover looks like a MS Paint rush job, with the artist’s face crudely dropped in. Also William, we get why you called your record ‘Hung For The Holidays’ but given suicide rates across Europe and America reach record highs around this time of year, is this really the best possible title? Really?"

From NME: “It doesn’t bode well for a Christmas album when its cover looks like a MS Paint rush job, with the artist’s face crudely dropped in. Also William, we get why you called your record ‘Hung For The Holidays’ but given suicide rates across Europe and America reach record highs around this time of year, is this really the best possible title? Really?”

For fans of the American Idol reject William Hung, I’m sure you’ll find his Christmas album a delight.

46. Raffi: Raffi’s Christmas Album

From Flashbak: "Imagine seeing this at your bedside when you wake up Christmas morn, (shudder)" Yes. this will certainly inspire nightmares.

From Flashbak: “Imagine seeing this at your bedside when you wake up Christmas morn, (shudder)” Yes. this will certainly inspire nightmares.

So that’s what Raffi actually looked like in real life. Not how I expected.

47. Dave Boyer: Joy & Happiness at Christmas

From Flashbak: "I don’t need to tell you that your wife with fake tan and your crummy living room shouldn’t be on the cover of your album; clearly, this wasn’t conveyed to Dave Boyer. For the curious, his daughter is holding “Reach Out” a hip version of the New Testament."

From Flashbak: “I don’t need to tell you that your wife with fake tan and your crummy living room shouldn’t be on the cover of your album; clearly, this wasn’t conveyed to Dave Boyer. For the curious, his daughter is holding “Reach Out” a hip version of the New Testament.”

Unfortunately, Mrs. Boyer’s trip to the tanning salon didn’t turn out well.

48. Torben & Klaus: Svingnissen – Dansemus

From Flashbak: "Where’s mom, you ask? Look into that girl’s eyes – the eyes of the purest evil – and you’ll have your answer."

From Flashbak: “Where’s mom, you ask? Look into that girl’s eyes – the eyes of the purest evil – and you’ll have your answer.”

This family would like to send their Christmas wishes and may your yuletide season be filled with love.

49. Leroy Andersen: A Christmas Festival with Leroy Andersen

From Flashbak: "This looks nothing at all like a festival. This is an old man taking notes…. perhaps they should have researched the term “festival” a bit more."

From Flashbak: “This looks nothing at all like a festival. This is an old man taking notes…. perhaps they should have researched the term “festival” a bit more.”

Apparently, this guy doesn’t really know what festival means. Or he wasn’t invited so he’s taking notes.

50. Music for Dreaming

From Go Retro: "No wonder I always wake up with a headache! After a long day of cross country skiing, there's nothing better then taking a nap in the snow and dreaming that I'm a 50 foot woman about to be rammed in the head by cars."

From Go Retro: “No wonder I always wake up with a headache! After a long day of cross country skiing, there’s nothing better then taking a nap in the snow and dreaming that I’m a 50 foot woman about to be rammed in the head by cars.”

For those tired of all the Christmas commercialism, this is the album for you.

Exclusive Magazine Cover Disasters Through the Ages

cosmo-spoof

In a media landscape nowadays, you’d think there’s a magazine for everything. They also come in many forms depending on content. Some may focus on important news stories and analysis like Time and Newsweek. Some may feature interesting educational content from around the world like National Geographic or Smithsonian. Some may pertain to celebrity gossip, fashion, and household tips like the mainstream magazines you see on the racks in a grocery store. Nevertheless, they have loomed large in our pop culture landscape for a long time. After all, most of those vintage ads you’ve probably seen in my vintage blog posts came from magazines. Yet, each magazine issue comes with a cover that advertises what’s inside. For many issues, such images have become rather iconic and well known. Yet, there are also covers that cause considerable controversy. In this post, I’ll feature a treasure trove of magazine covers that will make you scratch your head. Some of these contain photoshop fails (which make people look very unflattering). Some pertain to images that might be unintentionally funny. Some may contain a lot of formatting mistakes. You name it. So enjoy these at your peril.

  1. In Popular Science, learn how to build your own family foxhole.
Apparently, the folks at Popular Science had no idea that a lot of people had basements in their homes in the 1950s. Or that an underground shelter is simply not an option for people in some areas like Florida.

Apparently, the folks at Popular Science had no idea that a lot of people had basements in their homes in the 1950s. Or that an underground shelter is simply not an option for people in some areas like Florida.

2. Presenting our current issue of Rugged Men: the masochist issue.

Because nothing makes a man more rugged than having 2 sexy blondes tie his hands and feet, hoist him up without his shirt on, and whip him senseless. Think about it as Fifty Shades of Grey om reverse.

Because nothing makes a man more rugged than having 2 sexy blondes tie his hands and feet, hoist him up without his shirt on, and whip him senseless. Think about it as Fifty Shades of Grey om reverse.

3. On Man’s Life, we will feature a man attacked by a swarm of bloodthirsty bats.

No, most bats don't viciously attack humans without probable cause. Sure they may spread disease from time to time. But the guy never should've entered the bat cave, at least without a shirt on.

No, most bats don’t viciously attack humans without probable cause. Sure they may spread disease from time to time. But the guy never should’ve entered the bat cave, at least without a shirt on.

4. Today in Man’s Life, beware of the killer turtles.

Sure turtles might have a vicious side. But this cover just seems too hard to take seriously.

Sure turtles might have a vicious side. But this cover just seems too hard to take seriously. I mean the guy’s trying to ward off attacking turtles for God’s sake.

5. On this issue of time, the Beatles.

So why did Time decide to go with freakish Beatles puppets? Couldn't they just put a photo of the Fab Four and leave it at that?

So why did Time decide to go with freakish Beatles puppets? Couldn’t they just put a photo of the Fab Four and leave it at that?

6. In Electrical Experimenter, we introduce to you the Teleport Phone.

Sure they may not have a phone keypad. But they can certainly Skype.

Sure they may not have a phone keypad. But they can certainly Skype.

7. On this issue of Good Housekeeping we sit down with First Lady Michelle Obama.

Or an evil robot of Michelle Obama that has killed her and taken her place. Yes, this is terrible photoshop indeed.

Or an evil robot of Michelle Obama that has killed her and taken her place. Yes, this is terrible photoshop indeed.

8. This issue of Time features the magic of virtual reality.

So is this guy really at the beach experiencing a different virtual reality. Or is that beach a virtual reality? I can't tell.

So is this guy really at the beach experiencing a different virtual reality. Or is that beach a virtual reality? I can’t tell.

9. Time Magazine calls Chris Christie The Boss.

This issue appeared in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. However, the mob boss style photo treatment is actually quite fitting for the shady New Jersey governor who caused a massive traffic jam out of spite.

This issue appeared in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. However, the mob boss style photo treatment is actually quite fitting for the shady New Jersey governor who caused a massive traffic jam out of spite.

10. In Man’s Life, our top story is vicious killer monkeys.

Yes, monkeys can be quite vicious creatures. But this is utterly ridiculous to take seriously. Hope that guy's knife comes in handy.

Yes, monkeys can be quite vicious creatures. But this is utterly ridiculous to take seriously. Hope that guy’s knife comes in handy.

11. In this issue of Weird Tales, we feature a living female buddha.

However, I find it hard to believe that a female buddha would be a redheaded white girl who's dressed like she's from a Las Vegas strip club. But that's just me.

However, I find it hard to believe that a female buddha would be a redheaded white girl who’s dressed like she’s from a Las Vegas strip club. But that’s just me.

12. This issue of Time features hockey.

Hey, I didn't know that Jason Voorhees played hockey before he resorted to killing teenagers. Why did nobody tell us about it?

Hey, I didn’t know that Jason Voorhees played hockey before he resorted to killing teenagers. Why did nobody tell us about it?

13. No, I don’t think this is a magazine about prostitution.

It's actually titled Where magazine. But the fact the woman covers part of the "e" seems to suggest otherwise.

It’s actually titled Where magazine. But the fact the woman covers part of the “e” seems to suggest otherwise.

14. I’m sure all of you remember Time’s infamous O.J. Simpson cover.

No, O.J. isn't that black. But don't tell the people of Time. And yes, I do believe he did it since he's had a record of abuse.

No, O.J. isn’t that black. But don’t tell the people of Time. And yes, I do believe he did it since he’s had a record of abuse.

15. Sometimes in magazine cover design, placement is everything.

This is called, "Parents" magazine. However, the mother's head on the "a" and the green blurb on the "t" makes sound something completely different.

This is called, “Parents” magazine. However, the mother’s head on the “a” and the green blurb on the “t” makes sound something completely different.

16. When doing a cover story on a terrorist suspect, don’t slap photo on the cover that makes him look like a teen rock star.

This is Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, who's the surviving Boston Marathon Bomber. The people of Boston weren't happy about this cover at all.

This is Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, who’s the surviving Boston Marathon Bomber. The people of Boston weren’t happy about this cover at all.

17. Time Magazine informs us that we’re all puppets controlled by some external puppetmeister.

Well, this is about sociobiology. But the picture seems to suggest something even more sinister. Like we're all slaves to something outside ourselves.

Well, this is about sociobiology. But the picture seems to suggest something even more sinister. Like we’re all slaves to something outside ourselves.

18. This issue of The Economist discusses the trouble with mergers.

So what the hell does camel sex have to do with mergers? Seriously, that makes no sense whatsoever. And it makes camel parents angry.

So what the hell does camel sex have to do with mergers? Seriously, that makes no sense whatsoever. And it makes camel parents angry.

19. In this issue of Spy, it’s obvious that O.J. Simpson is guilty.

If Spy thinks he's guilty, then why do they have him dressed up as George Washington? It's just so absurd. Then again, maybe that's the point.

If Spy thinks he’s guilty, then why do they have him dressed up as George Washington? It’s just so absurd. Then again, maybe that’s the point.

20. In this issue of Time: Are Men Really that Bad?

So basically Time implies that men are pigs. Yet, some sure can dress.

So basically Time implies that men are pigs. Yet, some sure can dress.

21. Today’s special issue of Bloomberg is dedicated to tax evaders.

Actually they're talking about how rich people avoid paying taxes like tax shelters and taking advantage of loopholes. I'm sure it'll give some wealthy people ideas.

Actually they’re talking about how rich people avoid paying taxes like tax shelters and taking advantage of loopholes. I’m sure it’ll give some wealthy people ideas.

22. We devote this issue of This is Harrison County to suppositories.

Actually Butt Drugs is a name of a drugstore there. Yet, the name is quite unfortunate so I include this cover.

Actually Butt Drugs is a name of a drugstore there. Yet, the name is quite unfortunate so I include this cover.

23. In Men magazine, Attack of the Giant Otter.

Yes, the giant otter springs to attack some guy in his tent during the night. And that otter is about to have a lamp smashed at it.

Yes, the giant otter springs to attack some guy in his tent during the night. And that otter is about to have a lamp smashed at it.

24. This week in Esquire, the Passion of Muhammad Ali.

Note that they're depicting Muhammad Ali like Saint Sebastian who had arrows shot into him. And that it's not real at all. But it's surely in poor taste.

Note that they’re depicting Muhammad Ali like Saint Sebastian who had arrows shot into him. And that it’s not real at all. But it’s surely in poor taste.

25. This week in Esquire, Andy Warhol is sucked into a whirlpool of Campbell’s Tomato Soup.

Let's hope he comes back from the froth of saltiness. Yes, these old magazine covers can be surreal.

Let’s hope he comes back from the froth of saltiness. Yes, these old magazine covers can be surreal.

26. For Men’s Fitness, we sit down with tennis star Andy Roddick.

I don't know about you. But do you get the impression that one of Andy's arms is bigger than the other. Or is it just me?

I don’t know about you. But do you get the impression that one of Andy’s arms is bigger than the other. Or is it just me?

27. This week’s issue of Life magazine discusses the Generation Gap.

Uh, having people in blue man's glasses doesn't seem to help their case. In fact, makes you wonder if the photo shopper was on acid.

Uh, having people in blue man’s glasses doesn’t seem to help their case. In fact, makes you wonder if the photo shopper was on acid.

28. This week’s issue of Life magazine features an album of Christmas carols.

There's something not right about that golden hair child. Hope you don't find this little moppet in your home during the night.

There’s something not right about that golden hair child. Hope you don’t find this little moppet in your home during the night.

29. In this week’s issue of Life, we feature the scary cloaked masked lady.

Yes, she kind of seems a bit creepy to me. I don't think her soulless eyes contain anything lively for years.

Yes, she kind of seems a bit creepy to me. I don’t think her soulless eyes contain anything lively for years.

30. I guess this is the girls with guns issue of Black Mask.

I hear this Ammo Amy is perhaps the NRA's dream girl. I mean look at all the guns she carries. That's insane!

I hear this Ammo Amy is perhaps the NRA’s dream girl. I mean look at all the guns she carries. That’s insane!

31. In this issue of Male, man takes on giant lizard.

Wonder if this inspired the Star Trek episode where Captain Kirk fights Gorn. Though the man wouldn't use a sword. And the black guy gets trampled.

Wonder if this inspired the Star Trek episode where Captain Kirk fights Gorn. Though the man wouldn’t use a sword. And the black guy gets trampled.

32. In this issue of Stag, we learn how to protect ourselves against crabs.

Looks like STD prevention won't work in this case. Guess this might mean using a shovel.

Looks like STD prevention won’t work in this case. Perhaps a different kind of protection is needed like body armor.

33. According to True Men, even ripped guys are helpless when they’re attacked by hordes of flying squirrels.

Attacking squirrels? Really? Do you know how that's not scary? In fact, it's pretty ridiculous that you'll have to be nuts to imagine it.

Attacking squirrels? Really? Do you know how that’s not scary? In fact, it’s pretty ridiculous that you’ll have to be nuts to imagine it.

34. In Le Vie Parisienne, we feature a woman reading on the train.

Sorry, lady, but transparent top and a lifted skirt will draw attention. Even when you don't intend to.

Sorry, lady, but transparent top and a lifted skirt will draw attention. Even when you don’t intend to.

35. If you’re into shirtless covers, you’ll like this one from Africa’s Bowhunter.

This looks like a cheap cover with amateur photoshop for a cheap magazine. Also, the font isn't great either.

This looks like a cheap cover with amateur photoshop for a cheap magazine. Also, the font isn’t great either.

36. The New Republic features what’s rotten in Great Britain.

Yet, do we have to bring Princess Kate's dental health into this? Besides, those teeth aren't even real.

Yet, do we have to bring Princess Kate’s dental health into this? Besides, those teeth aren’t even real.

37. Presenting the Bill Clinton issue of Esquire.

No, Esquire, don't go with the Bill Clinton's legs spread. Seriously, that really doesn't help his scandal-prone reputation.

No, Esquire, don’t go with the Bill Clinton’s legs spread. Seriously, that really doesn’t help his scandal-prone reputation.

38. On Escape, man is driven to his death by gorgeous bare breasted Amazons.

Things really don't seem great for that guy about to be thrown into the volcano. Man, I don't think this magazine likes women.

Things really don’t seem great for that guy about to be thrown into the volcano. Man, I don’t think this magazine likes women.

39. In today’s Battle Cry, we feature a Nazi orgy.

Funny how the women are clad in their underwear while the guys are in full uniform. Doesn't seem to make much sense.

Funny how the women are clad in their underwear while the guys are in full uniform. Doesn’t seem to make much sense.

40. Looks like Der Spiegel doesn’t like Queen Elizabeth II.

Okay, they're really not telling the Queen to die even though it seems so. "Die" here simply means "the." So there's nothing to worry about.

Okay, they’re really not telling the Queen to die even though it seems so. “Die” here simply means “the.” So there’s nothing to worry about.

41. This issue of Marie Claire features the one and only Eva Mendes.

Thanks to photoshop, all her body parts are out of proportion. This especially goes for her head.

Thanks to photoshop, all her body parts are out of proportion. This especially goes for her head.

42. Tina Fey graces the cover of this month’s issue of In Style.

Tina Fey doesn't look like herself in this. Seriously, you have to wonder what's going on with her during the photo shoot.

Tina Fey doesn’t look like herself in this. Seriously, you have to wonder what’s going on with her during the photo shoot.

43. This issue of Elle, we sit down with Australian sensation Kyle Minogue.

And I have no idea what the hell happened to her leg. Surely, the other shoe should appear in this even with the knee bent.

And I have no idea what the hell happened to her leg. Surely, the other shoe should appear in this even with the knee bent.

44. In Russia, Vogue can be quite different.

This is especially true when you see a model's hand but no lower arm. Seriously, something's missing here.

This is especially true when you see a model’s hand but no lower arm. Seriously, something’s missing here.

45. This issue of Vogue we feature LeBron James and Gisele Bunchen.

Uh, no, Vogue. This has plenty of racist connotations that it's not even funny. Seriously, this is not cool.

Uh, no, Vogue. This has plenty of racist connotations that it’s not even funny. Seriously, this is not cool.

46. On W, we’re pleased to feature Demi Moore.

Unfortunately, they chopped off some of her hip in this. Also, it's likely they just pasted her head to a model's body, anyway.

Unfortunately, they chopped off some of her hip in this. Also, it’s likely they just pasted her head to a model’s body, anyway.

47. From Oops!, we have the pleasure to sit down with Taylor Swift.

Inside, we'll address the ongoing rumors of Ms. Swift being an evil space alien who uses her music to control minds. And whether she plans to assemble her own army to take over Earth.

Inside, we’ll address the ongoing rumors of Ms. Swift being an evil space alien who uses her music to control minds. And whether she plans to assemble her own army to take over Earth.

48. At Glamor, join us for an exclusive interview with Kristen Stewart.

Now we'll ask what the hell happened to her arm. Because we don't seem to see it in this photo.

Now we’ll ask what the hell happened to her arm. Because damn photoshop!

49. In Time, we discuss how Ted Cruz plans to make himself more likable.

He really doesn't look likable in this photo. More like a smug Lucius Malfoy type. Of course, it's hard to make a man like that likable at all.

He really doesn’t look likable in this photo. More like a smug Lucius Malfoy type. Of course, it’s hard to make a man like that likable at all.

50. How’s it hanging in Golf Week?

Why is there a noose in a golf magazine? It's a magazine about golf not executions.

Why is there a noose in a golf magazine? It’s a magazine about golf not executions.

51. In this issue of Esquire, the bearded lady finally shaves.

Okay, she probably doesn't have a beard. But the fact she's shaving her face is kind of disturbing for me. Not sure why.

Okay, she probably doesn’t have a beard. But the fact she’s shaving her face is kind of disturbing for me. Not sure why.

52. In this issue, Time takes you into the world of Cyberpunk.

So is this how they saw cyberculture in the early 1990s? Because they make it seem kind of shady.

So is this how they saw cyberculture in the early 1990s? Because they make it seem kind of shady.

53. This issue of Time talks about Cyber War.

From Time: "Two decades before drone strikes were a common part of military combat, 'Time' was busy warning us that a cyber war was coming." We should've listened.

From Mashable: “Two decades before drone strikes were a common part of military combat, ‘Time’ was busy warning us that a cyber war was coming.” We should’ve listened.

54. Amazon.com founder Jeff Bezos comes in a box.

From Mashable: "Most people named "Person of the Year" get stately cover photo shoots. But if you're Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, the fact that Amazon is a website means you're relegated to the geek pile. And geeks don't get serious covers. They get their heads stuffed in boxes of packing peanuts and computer mice." Still, this is really creepy.

From Mashable: “Most people named “Person of the Year” get stately cover photo shoots. But if you’re Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, the fact that Amazon is a website means you’re relegated to the geek pile. And geeks don’t get serious covers. They get their heads stuffed in boxes of packing peanuts and computer mice.” Still, this is really creepy.

55. This month, Rolling Stone features the Passion of Kanye West.

Now, Rolling Stone, you don't have to make your cover in a way that Kanye West sees himself. Seriously, we don't need to feed into his enormous ego.

Now, Rolling Stone, you don’t have to make your cover in a way that Kanye West sees himself. Seriously, we don’t need to feed into his enormous ego.

56. Gracing Todateen is teen sensation Justin Bieber.

Or him as a soulless mannequin who'll kill you in your dreams. You can take your pick.

Or him as a soulless mannequin who’ll kill you in your dreams. You can take your pick.

57. If you like Scandal, then you better get this Essence issue featuring Kerry Washington.

Her body seems totally out of proportion on this one. Maybe it's the outfit. Or maybe it's photoshop. I can't tell which.

Her body seems totally out of proportion on this one. Maybe it’s the outfit. Or maybe it’s photoshop. I can’t tell which.

58. You can’t miss Kerry Washington on this month’s cover of Lucky.

Here she discusses what it's like to be turned into a zombie. Before she eats the reporter who interviewed her.

Here she discusses what it’s like to be turned into a zombie. Before she eats the reporter who interviewed her.

59. This Glamour issue features the ultimate drama queen Kristen Stewart.

Kristen Stewart looks about as lifeless on this cover as she did in the Twilight movies. And I'm sure she's no drama queen by any stretch of the imagination.

Kristen Stewart looks about as lifeless on this cover as she did in the Twilight movies. And I’m sure she’s no drama queen by any stretch of the imagination.

60. In this issue of Life, we give you a sneak preview of the moon landing.

To be fair, this issue came out in 1962. But we all know Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin didn't wear garbage can spacesuits when they came out of the module.

To be fair, this issue came out in 1962. But we all know Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin didn’t wear garbage can spacesuits when they came out of the module.

61. In this issue of Wildlife we talk about lions.

But do we really need to use "pussies galore" in a wildlife magazine. I know you mean cats, but still. It's not great terminology.

But do we really need to use “pussies galore” in a wildlife magazine. I know you mean cats, but still. It’s not great terminology.

62. In Man’s Life magazine, we caution you to beware of attacking otters.

A guy being attacked by otters, that's crazy. I mean otters are playful and cuddly. So it's hard to take seriously.

A guy being attacked by otters, that’s crazy. I mean otters are playful and cuddly. So it’s hard to take seriously.

63. You never know what will be featured in Nails.

From Nails: "It takes a while to see that the cover model is jumping out of a nail. What’s the connection of the image with the cover story? Your guess is as good as ours."

From Nails: “It takes a while to see that the cover model is jumping out of a nail. What’s the connection of the image with the cover story? Your guess is as good as ours.”

64. On this issue of V, we feature Naomi Campbell.

Okay, another woman all tied up and having her mouth taped shut. Now this is very disturbing if you ask me.

Okay, another woman all tied up and having her mouth taped shut. Now this is very disturbing if you ask me.

65. This issue discusses the occult revival and Satan’s return.

Okay, that looks a bit scary. I bet readers will have freak out of this. Yeah, doesn't look good.

Okay, that looks a bit scary. I bet readers will have freak out of this. Yeah, doesn’t look good.

66. In this week’s cover from Shape Up, we cover bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Of course, don't get in shape Arnold's way at the time because he clearly used steroids. Also, there might be something rising in his pants.

Of course, don’t get in shape Arnold’s way at the time because he clearly used steroids. Also, there might be something rising in his pants.

67. In Men Today, check out how Nazis put underwear clad women in piranha pools.

Look, I know the Nazis were terrible people whose cruelty knew no bounds. But please, I'm sure none of them used piranha pools where they could put scantily clad women in. That's just ridiculous.

Look, I know the Nazis were terrible people whose cruelty knew no bounds. But please, I’m sure none of them used piranha pools where they could put scantily clad women in. That’s just ridiculous.

68. Jennifer Lopez rules in this issue of Rolling Stone.

I'm sorry but I don't think J.Lo fits into warrior princess mode. That just doesn't seem like her.

I’m sorry but I don’t think J.Lo fits into warrior princess mode. That just doesn’t seem like her.

69. Ricky Martin gets deep in Rolling Stone.

And here he is in a pool full of naked women. Uh, it's kind of established that Ricky Martin likes guys. Seriously, he's been out of the closet for a long time.

And here he is in a pool full of naked women. Uh, it’s kind of established that Ricky Martin likes guys. Seriously, he’s been out of the closet for a long time.

70. In Terror Tales, love goes mad.

Yes, she loves the Grim Reaper so much that she'll walk all over the River Styx with hands trying to grab her. And here Death just rows along.

Yes, she loves the Grim Reaper so much that she’ll walk all over the River Styx with hands trying to grab her. And here Death just rows along.

71. In this issue of Time, we go to Adolf Hitler playing his organ near his wheel of torture.

This is the one when he was Person of the Year during the 1930s. But at least they give you an idea of how evil he is.

This is the one when he was Person of the Year during the 1930s. But at least they give you an idea of how evil he is.

72. At Bloomberg we talk of how Walmart’s workers love working there.

For some reason, I don't see a happy face behind that smiley face mask. It's pretty clear the smiley face is a facade of this Walmart greeter's misery.

For some reason, I don’t see a happy face behind that smiley face mask. It’s pretty clear the smiley face is a facade of this Walmart greeter’s misery.

73. In this issue of Bloomberg, we talk about the hedge fund myth.

Seems like the man in this cover is in an interesting position. And it seems vaguely inappropriate how the arrows spring from his crotch.

Seems like the man in this cover is in an interesting position. And it seems vaguely inappropriate how the arrows spring from his crotch.

74. This month’s Vanity Fair, we take you to Miley Cyrus.

I know this cover seemed to get a lot of flack. But she doesn't look right in this. Not sure why.

I know this cover seemed to get a lot of flack. But she doesn’t look right in this. Not sure why.

75. In Weird Tales, creepy Asian guy wants blonde to play Wheel of Fortune.

Okay, maybe that's not Wheel of Fortune. But this really doesn't have a good perception on Asians. The guy looks so evil.

Okay, maybe that’s not Wheel of Fortune. But this really doesn’t have a good perception on Asians. The guy looks so evil.

76. Time brings you into the world of dirty words.

So they're talking about American pop culture containing swear words. Well, they can just fuck it for all I care. Because this looks fucking awful.

So they’re talking about American pop culture containing swear words and how it’s ruining everything. Well, they can just fuck it for all I care. Because this looks fucking awful.

77. In this issue of Weird Tales, Death goes for naked women.

This magazine seems to have a lot of scantily clad women on their covers. Possibly since sex sells. Yet, this is crazy.

This magazine seems to have a lot of scantily clad women on their covers. Possibly since sex sells. Yet, this is crazy.

78. In Weird Tales, learn how to keep winged demons out of your relationship.

I guess a knife will certainly scare the creepy guy off. But I'm not sure if it will be enough.

I guess a knife will certainly scare the creepy guy off. But I’m not sure if it will be enough.

79. In this issue of For Men Only, it’s best that you beware of the minks.

Because they will attack in droves. And even the most manly men won't be able to stop them from eating flesh. Yes, these minks kill for your blood.

Because they will attack in droves. And even the most manly men won’t be able to stop them from eating flesh. Yes, these minks kill for your blood.

80. Sophia Loren doesn’t wear much for her Life cover.

While I can understand why she's not wearing much, her outfit is best to be desired. Seriously, that looks atrocious.

While I can understand why she’s not wearing much, her outfit is best to be desired. Seriously, that looks atrocious.

81. Crime Detective presents blondes in bondage.

Okay, she's more likely a skimpy clothed kidnap victim dressed to entice male readers. But you get the idea. Still, this is in very poor taste.

Okay, she’s more likely a skimpy clothed kidnap victim dressed to entice male readers. But you get the idea. Still, this is in very poor taste and even she’s not happy about it.

82. Time introduces you to the world of Vladimir Putin.

Here we have him in a candid pose with the title, "Hello, Comrade." Yet, despite the friendly presentation, they say he's anything but a nice guy from Russia.

Here we have him in a candid pose with the title, “Hello, Comrade.” Yet, despite the friendly presentation, they say he’s anything but a nice guy from Russia.

83. Sarah Jessica Parker graces the cover of Harper’s Bazaar.

In this issue, they ask her about her life before coming to Earth. They also talk to her about how her eyes can shoot laser beams.

In this issue, they ask her about her life before coming to Earth. They also talk to her about how her eyes can shoot laser beams.

84. Hope you can enjoy the latest fashion from this month’s issue of Elle.

Don't mind how one of these women seems to have a freakishly long neck. Or how she might be a vampire.

Don’t mind how one of these women seems to have a freakishly long neck. Or how she might be a vampire.

85. In Weird Tales, there’s no escape from zombies trying to get you.

I get the impression this magazine focuses a lot on the occult. Also, I don't think a whip will save you.

I get the impression this magazine focuses a lot on the occult. Also, I don’t think a whip will save you.

86. Jerry Yang from Yahoo! surfs the net at Time.

Even in the 1990s, this looked pretty stupid. Certainly really looks outdated now. Don't know why they thought it was a good idea.

Even in the 1990s, this looked pretty stupid. Certainly really looks outdated now. Don’t know why they thought it was a good idea.

87. Seventeen reconnects with Sarah Michelle Gellar on her life after Buffy.

Well, her head is a bit big for her body while her arms are a little rubbery. I mean this doesn't look like Sarah Michelle Gellar in the slightest.

Well, her head is a bit big for her body while her arms are a little rubbery. I mean this doesn’t look like Sarah Michelle Gellar in the slightest.

88. In Weird Tales, we go to India where turban guys sexually traffic white women.

And it seems that any scantily clad women in Weird Tales is seen as white. Makes me wonder if it has anything to do with Missing White Woman Syndrome.

And it seems that any scantily clad women in Weird Tales is seen as white. Makes me wonder if it has anything to do with Missing White Woman Syndrome.

89. In Weird Tales, bald emperor guy tries to seduce a blonde.

Yep, that's what it looks like. And she's being carried by women and androgynous bald servants. Also, is that a knife?

Yep, that’s what it looks like. And she’s being carried by women and androgynous bald servants. Also, is that a knife?

90. Time asks you whether you’re mom enough.

I'm sure that boy is way too old to breastfeed by now. Also, Time, how dare you sexualize motherhood and drag a toddler in the national spotlight. This kid will never live it down in high school.

I’m sure that boy is way too old to breastfeed by now. Also, Time, how dare you sexualize motherhood and drag a toddler in the national spotlight. This kid will never live it down in high school.

91. Rolling Stone tells us what it’s like to be Brad Pitt.

Hmmm...so Brad Pitt is smoking a cigarette and wearing a dress. I'm sure he wouldn't want this issue to see the light of day.

Hmmm…so Brad Pitt is smoking a cigarette and wearing a dress. I’m sure he wouldn’t want this issue to see the light of day.

92. Gracing this issue of W is none other than Janet Jackson.

From Carolyn Collado: "The pop artist didn’t deserve such distasteful W cover with her body looking distorted. The W magazine have done everything to ruin the diva’s image including too much makeup, unbecoming outfit and awkward pose you would wonder where was Janet’s neck that time."

From Carolyn Collado: “The pop artist didn’t deserve such distasteful W cover with her body looking distorted. The W magazine have done everything to ruin the diva’s image including too much makeup, unbecoming outfit and awkward pose you would wonder where was Janet’s neck that time.”

93. On the cover of Vanity Fair Spain is Hilton Hotel heiress Paris Hilton.

From Carolyn Collado: "Greg Lotus image for Paris Hilton for Vanity Fair Spain in January 2012 looked stunning and perfect if only for the fact that we are kinda confused whether the magazine really tapped the hotel heiress for the cover or did they have Paris Hilton’s wax figure covered on her behalf? The excessive retouching defeated the purpose of glamour that we rather pay more attention to her cute pup."

From Carolyn Collado: “Greg Lotus image for Paris Hilton for Vanity Fair Spain in January 2012 looked stunning and perfect if only for the fact that we are kinda confused whether the magazine really tapped the hotel heiress for the cover or did they have Paris Hilton’s wax figure covered on her behalf? The excessive retouching defeated the purpose of glamour that we rather pay more attention to her cute pup.”

94. Time sits down with tech sensation and Microsoft founder Bill Gates.

From Mashable: "Imagine you're Bill Gates and you get a phone call saying, "Congratulations, you're on the cover of 'Time' magazine!" and then, in the next breath, they say, "but we want you to look like a stereotypical nerd and spin a floppy disk in your hands." In 1984, this would be reality for the future richest man on Earth."

From Mashable: “Imagine you’re Bill Gates and you get a phone call saying, “Congratulations, you’re on the cover of ‘Time’ magazine!” and then, in the next breath, they say, “but we want you to look like a stereotypical nerd and spin a floppy disk in your hands.” In 1984, this would be reality for the future richest man on Earth.”

95. For Time, it’s 3 cheers for Prince Charles and Princess Diana.

Prince Charles looks particularly unflattering in this. Also, keep in mind that after 2 boys, they'd both cheat on each other and later divorce. Also, Diana died in a car wreck.

Prince Charles looks particularly unflattering in this. Diana doesn’t look great either. Also, keep in mind that after 2 boys, they’d both cheat on each other and later divorce. Also, Diana died in a car wreck.

96. Time scares you with the horrors of children and cyber porn.

To be honest, online porn exposure in children is a very real concern in this day in age. But this cover really makes it horrifying.

To be honest, online porn exposure in children is a very real concern in this day in age. But this cover really makes it horrifying.

97. New in Time, what doctors hate about hospitals.

This doctor seems like the hospital is a house of horrors. Well, this cover story explores medical errors.

This doctor seems like the hospital is a house of horrors. Well, this cover story explores medical errors.

98. According to Spy, Hillary Clinton is a dominatrix.

Or a BDSM dominatrix who should be our next president by now instead of the orange faced fuckwad president-elect we already have. Fuck you, white voters in Rust Belt states. Okay, maybe the BDSM Hillary is a little too far for 1993.

Or a BDSM dominatrix who should be our next president by now instead of the orange faced fuckwad president-elect we already have. Fuck you, white voters in Rust Belt states. Okay, maybe the BDSM Hillary is a little too far for 1993.

99. The New Yorker features the Obamas on their cover.

Now this looks pretty offensive and I remember when it came out. Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert would later parody this.

Now this looks pretty offensive and I remember when it came out. Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert would later parody this.

100. Time features the golden geeks.

From Mashable: "Marc Andreessen became a BFD after Netscape went public -- and part of being a BFD meant that 'Time' would sit him in a royal chair and make him take off his shoes. And thus, the modern mythos that Silicon Valley entrepreneurs don't wear shoes was born."

From Mashable: “Marc Andreessen became a BFD after Netscape went public — and part of being a BFD meant that ‘Time’ would sit him in a royal chair and make him take off his shoes. And thus, the modern mythos that Silicon Valley entrepreneurs don’t wear shoes was born.”

The Wonderful World of Album Covers (Fourth Edition)

57799195bf2814769f27c598bb27e435

As long as we had LP records, we’ve had album covers, well, for the most part at least since the 1960s. As you look from above, this is an image of the Queen II album released in 1974 which isn’t one of their best known at any rate. However, those who look at it and weren’t around during the 1970s, might mistake it as an example of false advertising because the Queen band members are in a pose that’s akin to the beginning of the “Bohemian Rhapsody” video. Yet, that song is actually on the album they released the next year called A Night at the Opera, which would be their breakthrough success. Nevertheless, the pose is masterfully done. And album art wise, I think it’s better than A Night at the Opera even though the latter has better songs. Unfortunately, for all you album art afficionados out there, my album art posts aren’t meant for the masterpiece covers. In fact, quite the contrary. Rather I go for the vintage album covers that time forgot mostly because the design is pretty awful yet unintentionally funny, creepy, or inappropriate. Hell, they can even do it intentionally. So for your reading pleasure and the fact I decided to wait until after Father’s Day to do any 4th of July posts, I give you another edition of vintage album covers so tacky that you’ll forget about them until they’re seen at a yard sale.

 

  1. Marcy Sings Jesus Loves Me
The woman on here doesn't look right either. Yes, she's smiling. But it's a kind of smile you'd see on someone who's high.

The woman on here doesn’t look right either. Yes, she’s smiling. But it’s a kind of smile you’d see on someone who’s high.

That’s what we need, a creepy doll singing songs about Jesus for children.

2. The Joyful Sounds: Guide Me Lord

Okay, Hairspray first came out in the 1980s as a film. And this album was released at least a decade before that. But it's not a great analogy. But still, they use way more hairspray than an average cast member from that musical.

Okay, Hairspray first came out in the 1980s as a film. And this album was released at least a decade before that. But it’s not a great analogy. But still, they use way more hairspray than an average cast member from that musical.

Or as I call it, the Christian version of Hairspray but with way more volume for the Lord.

3. Don McNeil and Eddie Ballantine and His Band: March Around the Breakfast Table

Yes, this family looks so unusually happy at breakfast time. However, wouldn't marching around the breakfast table be difficult if you're holding a toaster. Because I know they're not portable.

Yes, this family looks so unusually happy at breakfast time. However, wouldn’t marching around the breakfast table be difficult if you’re holding a toaster. Because I know they’re not portable.

Because nothing brings your spirits up like marching to music at breakfast.

4. Herbie Mann: Push, Push

Yes, he thinks he's so manly with a flute in his hand. Still, this is a perfect example on why classical musicians shouldn't really do fanservice poses on their album covers.

Yes, he thinks he’s so manly with a flute in his hand. Still, this is a perfect example on why classical musicians shouldn’t really do fanservice poses on their album covers.

What? Never seen a flutist with a hairy chest.

5. Jimmy Jenson: Understand Your’e Swede

I know it's supposed to be Understand You're Swede. But someone placed an apostrophe at the wrong place. Also, why the hell is the mom wearing a miniskirt in the woods?

I know it’s supposed to be Understand You’re Swede. But someone placed an apostrophe at the wrong place. Also, why the hell is the mom wearing a miniskirt in the woods?

Unfortunately, Jimmy Jenson’s proofreader was busy.

6. Elliot Lawrence: Music for Trapping

Now it's one thing if a man puts deer heads on his wall. But if he puts heads of his ex-girlfriends, you should probably call 911. I can understand that the woman is understandably creeped out since she's found herself in a horror movie.

Now it’s one thing if a man puts deer heads on his wall. But if he puts heads of his ex-girlfriends, you should probably call 911. I can understand that the woman is understandably creeped out since she’s found herself in a horror movie.

And by “trapping,” I don’t think he means woodland creatures.

7. Introducing Mr. Versatile the Fabulous Willis Wade

That has to be one of the most hideous suits I have ever seen. Those cars look pretty lame, too.

That has to be one of the most hideous suits I have ever seen. Those cars look pretty lame, too.

Guess he’s a musician with no fashion sense and who doesn’t know how to get out of traffic.

8. Bob Fleming Plays Boleros

Guess it wouldn't be bad without a little knight music. Still, I think it would be very hard to play a saxophone in a suit of armor. Hope he doesn't go medieval on you.

Guess it wouldn’t be bad without a little knight music. Still, I think it would be very hard to play a saxophone in a suit of armor. Hope he doesn’t go medieval on you.

Featuring a saxophone solo by Sir Saxelot.

9. Paul Mickelson: Plays for Youth

Of course, Paul's friends started to wonder whether he had strayed from his Lord and got into some hallucinogenic brown acid. Yeah, there must be something really wrong with him. This is freaky.

Of course, Paul’s friends started to wonder whether he had strayed from his Lord and got into some hallucinogenic brown acid. Yeah, there must be something really wrong with him. This is freaky.

Alone at his organ, Paul imagined tiny Christian teens.

10. Nicky Cruz: The Cross and the Switchblade

Note that the guy's smiling face is juxtaposed on a painting depicting multiple murders. Yeah, kids do the craziest things sometimes.

Note that the guy’s smiling face is juxtaposed on a dark painting depicting multiple murders. Yeah, kids do the craziest things sometimes.

Or as I call it, “Finding Jesus in a Time of Gang Violence.”

11. Dave Harris and the Powerhouse Five: Dinner Music for a Pack of Hungry Cannibals

No, Stacy, this isn't a nice soak in a ho tub before dinner. Because you are dinner. In fact, you're the main course.

No, Stacy, this isn’t a nice soak in a hot tub before dinner. Because you are dinner. In fact, you’re the main course. Favorite album of Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

For some reason, this blonde seems rather excited about being cooked alive in a boiling pot over a fire.

12. Leith Stevens and His Orchestra: Jazz Themes for Cops and Robbers

Still, that image of someone pointing a gun just makes me uncomfortable for some reason. Perhaps because it seems like it's pointed right at me.

Still, that image of someone pointing a gun just makes me uncomfortable for some reason. Perhaps because it seems like it’s pointed right at me.

For when the speaker music at the bank during a simple hold up job just doesn’t cut it.

13. Obren Pjevovic

Man, that man seems remarkably calm while riding a falling bomb that's bound to blow him up to oblivion. And he has it between his legs, which suggests a rather subtle meaning entirely.

Man, that man seems remarkably calm while riding a falling bomb that’s bound to blow him up to oblivion. And he has it between his legs, which suggests a rather subtle meaning entirely.

For some reason, the Soviet version of Dr. Strangelove was never put into production.

14. Tortura: The Sounds of Pain and Punishment

Who knew that they had vintage BDSM albums? Also, notice that this cover only features women.

Who knew that they had vintage BDSM albums? Also, notice that this cover only features women.

A musical selection chosen especially from the 50 Shades of Christian Grey archives.

15. Schytts: Halligang 6

Here's what their page says: “For a lot of ages now, since aerly in the middle of 1968, we have brought our mark of by far musice to people of our country, and China also in dovesound. We have stipulated with many in the worlds. Now enjoying of ours fine becoming obsolete to the future coldplay confesses reactive ideas.” Yeah, they need spellcheck badly.

Here’s what their page says: “For a lot of ages now, since aerly in the middle of 1968, we have brought our mark of by far musice to people of our country, and China also in dovesound. We have stipulated with many in the worlds. Now enjoying of ours fine becoming obsolete to the future coldplay confesses reactive ideas.” Yeah, they need spellcheck badly.

Apparently, their music is said to be a creative rendition of crap.

16. Lenny Dee: Down South

Guess this guy is in Florida since it's the ocean. Still, the girl in this is dressed up like a ballerina in high heeled shoes.

Guess this guy is in Florida since it’s the ocean. Still, the girl in this is dressed up like a ballerina in high heeled shoes.

Because where else could you play piano on a motorboat and watch a girl water ski at the same time.

17. Ana Kathleen Brady: God’s Chosen Puppet

Okay, this is creepy. With strings attached and an uneasy smile, this Christian woman is scaring the bejesus out of me.

Okay, this is creepy. With strings attached and an uneasy smile, this Christian woman is scaring the bejesus out of me.

Now with ribbon strings that go up to the Lord Almighty.

18. Jerry Irby: Hot Line to Heaven

Sorry, but people don't associate plaid suits as a mark of godliness. Rather he's probably a musician whose day job is a 1920s bootlegger on Boardwalk Empire.

Sorry, but people don’t associate plaid suits as a mark of godliness. Rather he’s probably a musician whose day job is a 1920s bootlegger on Boardwalk Empire.

Answered by a man with a guitar with the fashion sense of a used car salesman.

19. LSD: Battle for the Mind

Nevertheless, this design seems straight out of some horror movie from the 1980s. And it doesn't seem something I'd take seriously.

Nevertheless, this design seems straight out of some horror movie from the 1980s. And it doesn’t seem something I’d take seriously.

Based on a hallucinogenic acid trip gone horribly, horribly wrong.

20. Jack Carey: ….In Jesus’ Name

No, I don't want to see a guy like that coming down the stairs. I don't care if he has a Bible in his hand. this guy's creeping me out.

No, I don’t want to see a guy like that coming down the stairs. I don’t care if he has a Bible in his hand. this guy’s creeping me out.

Featuring sacred music performed by a man who looks like a 1970s version of Jim Carrey as a sex offender.

21. Mattie McFerrin: Keep a Light Shining Bright

Still, if anything happens to that oil lamp, everything in that picture will go up in smoke. Not to mention, a lot of hair spray can make a coif like that particularly flammable.

Still, if anything happens to that oil lamp, everything in that picture will go up in smoke. Not to mention, a lot of hair spray can make a coif like that particularly flammable.

And keep that lamp away from her hair.

22. Ronnie Neuman: At the Padded Cell

These guys seem to take prison time with so much stride. Hope the real hardened criminals don't do anything to their instruments. Because that would be bad.

These guys seem to take prison time with so much stride. Hope the real hardened criminals don’t do anything to their instruments. Because that would be bad.

Featuring songs like “Jailhouse Rock,” “Prisoners of Love,” “House of the Rising Sun,” and “Cell Block Tango.”

23. Hal Willis: Mr. Lumberjack

Of course, he was probably aiming for realism here. Because who cares what you wear when you're chopping down trees in the woods (besides protective gear)?

Of course, he was probably aiming for realism here. Because who cares what you wear when you’re chopping down trees in the woods (besides protective gear)?

Because a man with a striped rainbow coat and an axe is a pinnacle of masculinity.

24. Teen Challenge Addicts Choir

For some reason, they have kid choir juxtaposed with a person shooting up. I don't know why they thought this was a good idea. Because it's not.

For some reason, they have kid choir juxtaposed with a person shooting up. I don’t know why they thought this was a good idea. Because it’s not.

For those young born again junkies shooting up for their Lord.

25. Les Pallbearer and His All-Ghoul Orchestra: Music for Morticians

Hopefully, this doesn't have the kind of music that would wake the dead. Guaranteed to give you the "fun" in funeral before you take a trip the destination of 6 feet under.

Hopefully, this doesn’t have the kind of music that would wake the dead. Guaranteed to give you the “fun” in funeral before you take a trip the destination of 6 feet under.

The kind of music that’ll make you feel good as you make the dead look good.

26. The Gospel Rhythm-Aires: I’ll Never Be Afraid

For some reason, I don't see a volcano destroying an entire city as one of a doomsday message of faith, hope, and salvation. In fact, it's more like an apocalyptic scenario guaranteed to make me shit my pants.

For some reason, I don’t see a volcano destroying an entire city as one of a doomsday message of faith, hope, and salvation. In fact, it’s more like an apocalyptic scenario guaranteed to make me shit my pants.

Guess these people kind of know where they’re a gonna’ go when the volcano blows.

27. Yvette Horner: Bal Chez Yvette

A smoking dog playing the accordion? Now that's pretty messed up. Wonder how they came up with that idea.

A smoking dog playing the accordion? Now that’s pretty messed up. Wonder how they came up with that idea.

Featuring her smoking and sunglasses wearing dog Blackie at the accordion.

28. The Best of Marcel Marceau

So let me get this straight, Marcel Marceau actually released an album? How does that work? Because he's not known for his audio recordings.

So let me get this straight, Marcel Marceau actually released an album? How does that work? Because he’s not known for his audio recordings.

Heard it’s great for French mime parties. Just two sides of absolute silence.

29. Steve Allen: Electrified Favorites

Yeah, I don't think being near electrical devices while soaking your feet is a good idea. Might get you killed.

Yeah, I don’t think being near electrical devices while soaking your feet is a good idea. Might get you killed.

Featuring one of his last known original songs, “Burned to a Crisp.”

30. Music to Clean Up Stream Pollution By

Ironically, this was created by Union Carbide, the chemical company that brought you the 1984 Bhopal disaster in India that has left an estimated 500,000 exposed and 20,000 dead from its effects. It's like an album saving ocean life that was produced by BP.

Ironically, this was created by Union Carbide, the chemical company that brought you the 1984 Bhopal disaster in India that has left an estimated 500,000 exposed and 20,000 dead from its effects. It’s like an album saving ocean life that was produced by BP.

Listen to the tunes such as Big Mouth Billy Bass’s “Don’t Take Me to the River.”

31. Elmer G. Letterman: Personal Power Through Creative Selling

Uh, I don't think property damage through nuclear holocaust isn't covered. Because that's considered a risky investment. Still, why the hell do they have a mushroom cloud on this album? Seriously, why?

Uh, I don’t think property damage through nuclear holocaust isn’t covered. Because that’s considered a risky investment. Still, why the hell do they have a mushroom cloud on this album? Seriously, why?

Let this big name insurance expert literally blow your mind.

32. The Nickel Family Singers: Love Is Why and Other Devotional Themes

For some reason, the people's heads in this seem photoshopped to their bodies. Also, the kids seem like they're straight out of the Village of the Damned wearing red suits. Bound to give anyone nightmares.

For some reason, the people’s heads in this seem photoshopped to their bodies. Also, the kids seem like they’re straight out of the Village of the Damned wearing red suits. Bound to give anyone nightmares.

Because there’s nothing like a wholesome Christian album featuring a family that will creep you out.

33. Mellodies of Dick Kossins

So this band is basically controlled by some old lady who's using the musicians as marionettes. Do you see how messed up that is?

So this band is basically controlled by some old lady who’s using the musicians as marionettes. Do you see how messed up that is?

Musicians orchestrated by some old lady puppetmeister in a blue dress.

34. Reverend Danny Nance: Jesus and Superman

And it seems that the people are paying more attention to Jesus than the Man of Steel. Then again, after what he did in Man of Steel, I think Jesus might need to teach Superman a lesson in incurring collateral damage.

And it seems that the people are paying more attention to Jesus than the Man of Steel. Then again, after what he did in Man of Steel, I think Jesus might need to teach Superman a lesson in incurring collateral damage.

Because for many these are men of truth, justice, and the American way. But while one may save the day, the other will save your soul from eternal damnation.

35. Jed Ford: I Saw the Light

Then again, he might've mistaken the light for the sun. Or he might've meant it as a metaphor for a spiritual awakening. However, his suit on the other hand, seems like he bought it from a cartoon resale shop.

Then again, he might’ve mistaken the light for the sun. Or he might’ve meant it as a metaphor for a spiritual awakening. However, his suit on the other hand, seems like he bought it from a cartoon resale shop.

However, it was so blindingly bright that I now wear shades.

36. Moostash Joe: “Dance Little Bird”

Then again, given the outlandish songs at costumes at Eurovision, I wouldn't be surprised if someone performed this song in such a costume. Also, seems more like a funky chicken to me.

Then again, given the outlandish songs at costumes at Eurovision, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone performed this song in such a costume. Also, seems more like a funky chicken to me.

Said to be “Europe’s most popular song.”

37. Rare Gold

I'm sorry, but the guy in the album reminds me so much of Ted Cruz who almost everyone hates. And I'd not want him to put a gold chain around my neck.

I’m sorry, but the guy in the album reminds me so much of Ted Cruz who almost everyone hates. And I’d not want him to put a gold chain around my neck.

Or as I call it, “The Courtship and Marriage of Senator Ted Cruz.”

38. Money Is To Burn

Now that's guy's a complete idiot. Putting your money in your grill. Bet he's going to regret that.

Now that’s guy’s a complete idiot. Putting your money in your grill. Bet he’s going to regret that.

Featuring songs like “Cookin’ the Books” and “Fiscal Inferno.”

39. Star Point: Keep on It

Apparently to them, the disco years are alive and well in outer space. Too bad, they'd look like they come from the 1970s on Earth.

Apparently to them, the disco years are alive and well in outer space. Too bad, they’d look like they come from the 1970s on Earth.

Looks like this is from a non-existent funky disco future.

40. Beth Brown: School Book for Dogs

Uh, dogs don't go to school unless if it's for service or obedience. Also, I don't think dogs read either. Ridiculous.

Uh, dogs don’t go to school unless if it’s for service or obedience. Also, I don’t think dogs read either. Ridiculous.

Because with how things are going these days, your pooch might need to learn the skills to get by in this dog-eat-dog world.

41. The Joy Boys: Cookin’ Up a Party

I'm sorry but I don't think confetti is even edible. It's also quite flammable, too. So I wouldn't want any near a stove.

I’m sorry but I don’t think confetti is even edible. It’s also quite flammable, too. So I wouldn’t want any near a stove.

However, just don’t ask them to cook up any food on the stove.

42. Yngwie J. Malmstein: Trilogy

Uh, does he have any idea that the dragon is burning up his guitar? Perhaps it's not a magical object after all.

Uh, does he have any idea that the dragon is burning up his guitar? Perhaps it’s not a magical object after all.

Behold, 3 headed dragon, the power of my magic electric guitar!

43. Cocktails Dancing: Cocktail Music for Robots

Let me guess, is this a disco album? Thought so. Still, they seem to do quite fine in a place known to have no atmosphere whatsoever.

Let me guess, is this a disco album? Thought so. Still, they seem to do quite fine in a place known to have no atmosphere whatsoever.

Since when would robots ever enjoy cocktails? I don’t get it.

44. Green and Iles: Keep It Gay Conversational Music

Even more funny is that this features a straight couple as far as we know. Yeah, they're totally not keeping it gay in the modern context.

Even more funny is that this features a straight couple as far as we know. Yeah, they’re totally not keeping it gay in the modern context.

Nowadays, this title has a very different meaning.

45. Jimmy Fontana: Non Te Ne Andare

I'm sure the kidnappers will have no trouble getting the ransom from her loved ones. After all, she seems like a gorgeous woman. But still, this is a really messed up cover. Being kidnapped and tied up like that isn't sexy in most situations.

I’m sure the kidnappers will have no trouble getting the ransom from her loved ones. After all, she seems like a gorgeous woman. But still, this is a really messed up cover. Being kidnapped and tied up like that isn’t sexy in most situations.

Guess it means something along the lines of “all tied up.”

46. Leona Anderson: Music to Suffer By

You know if it's music to suffer by, chances are that you don't want to listen to it. Also, the broken record speaks for itself.

You know if it’s music to suffer by, chances are that you don’t want to listen to it. Also, the broken record speaks for itself.

For some reason, I bet the music on this album isn’t any good.

47. Anna Russell in Darkest Africa

Now this is really racist. Really, depicting African tribesmen as hostile like this really offends the people there. Seriously, they're not all like that.

Now this is really racist. Really, depicting African tribesmen as hostile like this really offends the people there. Seriously, they’re not all like that.

And I see that she managed to get put in a basket by a bunch of headhunters, I mean African tribesmen.

48. Jim Post: I Love My Life

And another example of attempted fanservice gone wrong. Yeah, kind of seems like a mad guy having the shower curtain pulled on him.

And another example of attempted fanservice gone wrong. Yeah, kind of seems like a mad guy having the shower curtain pulled on him.

And for extra sales, he’s going shirtless under a waterfall.

49. Kevin Rowland: My Beauty

No, I don't think a guy trying on his girlfriend's clothes is a good idea. Mostly because they'd mostly be too small and will be stretched out anyway.

No, I don’t think a guy trying on his girlfriend’s clothes is a good idea. Mostly because they’d mostly be too small and will be stretched out anyway.

Featuring him getting dressed in women’s clothes, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

50. Dick Black and His Band: A Taste of Dick Black

Now this looks like it could pass for a mundane album cover without a fuss. If only if it weren't that this accordion player has a very unfortunate name. Because the title is unintentionally hilarious.

Now this looks like it could pass for a mundane album cover without a fuss. If only if it weren’t that this accordion player has a very unfortunate name. Because the title is unintentionally hilarious.

Please don’t tell me what I think it means.