As you probably know by now, Christmas albums are what many recording artists are contractually obligated to do during their summer vacations. And yes, if you work in retail, you’ll have to deal with Christmas music for several hours straight that you’ll soon have all the songs stuck in your head. Let’s just say hearing the torture of Wham!’s “Last Christmas” one thing I don’t miss about working at Macy’s this holiday season. And let’s just say that after the holiday season, these Christmas albums will end up at some discount rack at Big Lots. Last year, I did a post on vintage Christmas album covers that many of you have taken to. So I decided to do another one since there are so many vintage album covers out there pertaining to Christmas. And yes, many of them are amusingly horrible beyond all description that you have to see for yourself. So without further adieu, here is a treasure trove of more vintage Christmas album covers for when you really need a break from hearing all the Christmas music in your head after a shopping trip.
- Sesame Street: Merry Christmas
Uh, let’s just hope that Bert got tangled in the bead garlands by accident. But since people think they’re gay and Fifty Shades of Grey being a pop culture hit, this is probably one of the most unintentionally inappropriate children’s album covers of all time. I mean Grover and Cookie Monster now look understandably horrified at the moment.
Nothing beats a wholesome family Christmas like hearing your favorite yuletide carols while Ernie and Bert decorate their Christmas tree with Grover and Cookie Monster.
2. Jingle Cats: Merry Christmas
Good: Might help curb rodent infestations. Bad: Seriously, “Jingle Bells” is annoying as it is but do you really want to listen to cats meowing to it? Ugly: Might give your cat an inferiority complex.
Finally a Christmas album for the crazy cat fan that has felines singing 2o holiday classics.
3. Dean Martin: A Winter Romance
I think Dino might have to watch out for the creepy blond woman who’s plotting to murder his girlfriend in a way that it would look like an accident. Yeah, let’s just say women like that would make a winter romance turn into a winter nightmare.
Nothing says Christmas like snow, skiing, and having a very creepy stalker obsession with Dean Martin.
4. The Joyful Sounds: Guide Me Lord
As someone who’s seen Hairspray, I think these women have more chemicals in their hair than the whole cast put together. Wonder how long it took for these women to style their hair in the morning.
Celebrate the birth of our Lord with yuletide Christian music, modestly red and blue dresses with white collars and cuffs, and tons of hairspray.
5. Christmas at Our House
I don’t know about you, but I don’t think Uncle Charlie’s idea of playtime involves toy trains or toys of any other kind. I think it involves Uncle Charlie doing unspeakable things to Billy in the bathroom.
“C’mon, Billy, be a dear and spend time with your Uncle Charlie this Christmas. You only get to see him few times a year.”
6. Asleep at the Wheel: Merry Texas Christmas Y’all
I understand Asleep at the Wheel is the group’s name. But I’m not sure if it makes a great name to put on a Christmas album cover. It just brings to mind a car accident waiting to happen instead of good cheer. Also the armadillo is freaky.
In Texas, they tend to celebrate Christmas a little differently with decorations like armadillos, cowboy boots, cacti, and longhorn skulls.
7. Christmas at the Devil’s House
“Santa, ramp up your amp and play your guitar hard./’Cause Hell’s broke loose in North Pole and the Devil deals the cards./And if you win you get this shiny guitar made of gold,/But if you lose the devil gets your soul……”
When the Devil went down to Georgia, he challenged Johnny to the fiddle duel. When Santa went to hell, they dueled with electric guitars.
8. Rusty Diamonds: Rusty Diamonds Vol. 4 X-mas Project
Now I’m not sure what to make of pose. I mean her nipples are showing and you can almost see her crotch. That ain’t right.
Of course, sex sells in the music industry. So during the Christmas season having a cover of a girl in a Santa hat and spandex helps.
9. Charo: (Mamacita) ¿Donde Esta Santa Claus?
Wonder how Charo managed to survive winter without losing her legs. Seriously, high red stockings will not keep you warm below freezing temperatures.
When looking at this my question to Charo is “¿Donde esta su pantalones? ¡Esta frio, su pendejo!”
10. Michele Richard: Noel
Seems like Santa Claus really isn’t enjoying being hugged in this photo op. But he just didn’t have the courage to say, no, no, no.
While Santa may delight having children sit on his lap, this isn’t always the case with teens and adults.
11. Dj Scream Kickstand: Santa Claus: Toys, Trees, and Snow
Now I see nothing wrong with a gangta rap Christmas album. And I don’t see anything wrong with a black Santa either. However, seeing Santa wielding an AK-47 is just plain wrong.
Because nothing says “Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men” like Santa Claus wearing a bandanna and sunglasses while wielding an AK-47.
12. Celtic Woman: Home for Christmas
Of course, when designing Celtic Woman’s Christmas album, it’s said that Lisa Frank’s dog got loose and took a giant dump all over it. They were never able to clean up the mess.
Now I can’t decide whether this album design is supposed to be a Christmas tree or a technicolor turd.
13. NORAD Tracks Santa
Of course, if you want to track Santa on Christmas Eve, maybe it’s better to listen to NORAD on the radio. Why get Santa news reports from a record anyway? Kind of freaky if you think about it.
Finally, an album tracking Santa’s movements from the North Pole on Christmas Eve.
14. Merry Music for Christmas
While Cindy and Randy played like sports during the photo shoot, Janie wanted none of that. Of course, they had to go with the best photo in the bunch.
Apparently one of these kids would like to offer a second opinion.
15. Adventures in Carols
Not sure if that rocket’s going to hold all the toys, Danta. Also, what’s with the other Santas at the launch site? Or are they elves? I don’t know.
This year, instead of a sleigh, Santa will deliver all the toys to kids from a rocket that’s launched from a large anti-aircraft gun.
16. Mickey Rooney: Merry, Merry Micklemas
Looking at him like this, I find it hard to believe this guy was a huge star in his prime as well as married 8 times. One of these was Ava Gardner out of all people. Vanity Fair said he’s “the original Hollywood trainwreck.”
Nothing beats Christmas than seeing and old Mickey Rooney in a Santa beard and long underwear.
17. Sufjan Stevens and Friends: Let It Snow!: Songs for Christmas Vol. 9
For God’s sake, who the hell thought this would make a great idea for a Christmas album cover? This is just totally sick. Hopefully, this album came out before the Jerry Sandusky scandal at Penn State. But I may be wrong.
Because nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a boy taking a steaming hot shower.
18. Nina and Frederik: Christmas at Home with Nina and Frederik
From The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit: “From the looks of Frederik, there’s only one of four things he wants to do this Christmas. 1. Sex you up. 2. Chop you into little pieces. 3. Sex you up and then chop you into little pieces. 4. Chop you into little pieces and then sex you up.” Why doesn’t he just make it convenient and get a woodchipper like in Fargo? Oh, sorry about that, Steve Buschemi.
When it comes to the holidays, Nina and Frederik prefer to spend Christmas at their peaceful cabin in the woods.
19. Stan and Doug: Yust Go Nuts on Christmas
From Cracked: “Ah, nothing says Christmas like a cross-dressing, possibly mentally challenged man fighting Santa over an ugly doll. It’s just like in that classic Christmas carol, ‘I Saw Mommy Try to Stop Daddy from Wearing Her Dresses and Cold-Cocking Santa.'” Don’t ask me, I wasn’t consulted.
Okay, not sure if I want to know what that guy in the little boy get up is doing to that doll. Or why Santa is touching it.
20. Dear Santa Let’s Disco
I pray to God that this girl is at least 18. Because from her eyes, I don’t think she just wants to disco with Santa. Also, why would anyone want to disco with Santa?
Nothing says Christmas in the Disco Era like a supposedly teenage girl erotically licking a candy cane.
21. Christopher Bowes: Christmas at the Organ
From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “Think of it ladies-an evening of Mr. Bowes regaling us on his male organ and drinking his drugged wine, waiting to open the gifts of boxed-up body parts under the tree. Happy holidays!” I’ll pass, thank you very much. Seriously, I don’t want to drink with this guy.
There’s nothing more romantic at Christmas than spending a night near the tree drinking wine with a guy who might resemble a potential date rapist or serial killer.
22. Paul Holt: Fifty Grand for Christmas
Then again, he probably wishes he had 50 grand for Christmas. But with this album cover, he probably should’ve went with “I’ll Be Broke for Christmas.”
Of course, this guy wished he had 50 grand for Christmas. But he had to settle for a cheap album cover with some cheap ass hookers.
23. Dennis Day: Dennis Day Sings Christmas Is for Family
Of course, Jack Benny played the violin badly as part of his comic routine. However, I don’t think his comedy translates well when he’s in a Santa suit. Also, I think the kids are more anxious about opening presents than Jack Benny anyway.
Yes, kiddos, enjoy Christmas morning in your jammies with a private violin recital by the great Jack Benny in a Santa suit. Fun for the whole family.
24. Carol Channing: The Year Without a Santa Claus
Yes, that’s Carol Channing. Yes, she’s a famous celebrity. No, I don’t think she made a lot of horror movies. Yeah, I do think her face is bound to give little children nightmares.
From looking at this cover, I’m wondering if The Year Without a Santa Claus is a horror story.
25. The New Christy Minstrels: Christmas with the Christies
Yeah, decorate your hair with ornaments and lights. Of course, you’d have to walk slow so the baubles won’t fall off. And you can’t walk too far from the electrical outlet those lights are plugged in.
For festive holiday hair this Christmas, find a style you can decorate like a Christmas tree.
26. Fats Domino: Christmas Is a Special Day
That poor pooch probably doesn’t care for photo ops. Or maybe Fats Domino Christmas music. Wonder why it looks so blase. What a way to ruin a picture.
Yes, Christmas is a special day, indeed. But for Fats’s bichon frise, it doesn’t seem a happy one.
27. Mickey Gilley: Christmas at Gilley’s
Uh, Santa, I don’t think it’s a good idea to drive a magic reindeer pulled sleigh while under the influence. I mean this is how some kids get the wrong toys.
When Santa comes to the Gilleys, he always likes to raise a bottle of Texas booze while the country music’s playing.
28. Stan Freberg: Green Christmas and the Meaning of Christmas
I think this is supposed to be a satire on Christmas commercialism, consumerism, and materialism. And from how I see his face, he kind of looks pretty depressed about it.
Of course, his idea of a “green” Christmas has more to do with the Benjamins than with saving the environment.
29. Gunther & the Sunshine Girls: Christmas Song (Ding Dong)
From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “I’m thinking our friend Gunther gets his “ding dong” licked by that poor, wretched dog each night. That ‘stache and Gunther’s pouty lips make me want to cancel Christmas.”
Okay, is that a guy or a woman in drag? I can’t really tell.
30. The Mastertone Orchestra: A Singer Christmas for the Family
This boy seems like: “A sewing machine? What kind of lame ass gift is that? Why couldn’t you let me unwrap a Roughrider BB gun that I asked for?”
Because nothing excites the family on Christmas morning more than a new Singer sewing machine.
31. Archie Wood and his Friends: Christmas Album
Okay that castle looks fairly run down. Not sure what to make out about the dogs. But I have to admit, that dummy is just completely terrifying if you ask me.
Think of this bunch as a mashup of Mister Rogers Neighborhood and your worst childhood nightmares.
32. Muzak: Stimulus Progression No. 3 Christmas
Heard they play this kind of music at Guatanamo Bay and in customer service departments. Let’s just say that Muzak is what they play on occasions like enhanced interrogations, when you’re on hold, or to drive away some unruly teens from loitering.
Because nothing makes Christmas better than hearing your favorite yuletide carols in the form of elevator music.
33. Perry Como: The Perry Como Christmas Album
Now my grandma is a huge fan of this guy. Still, with a voice like his and tons of fan girls, they should’ve been able to come up with a better design than some creepy photoshop like this.
Celebrate Christmas by listening to music coming from Perry Como’s disembodied head on a Christmas wreath.
34. Ray Charles: The Spirit of Christmas
Look, Ray Charles is a musical legend and a great singer and musician. Love his music and love Ray. However, this is not the kind of guy who should be driving a one horse open sleigh. Seriously, the guy’s blind as a bat. Not to mention, he wasn’t quite sober and clean.
If you think Perry Como’s head on wreath was creepy, you should see Ray Charles driving a sleigh.
35. Jimmy Pelham: Santa! Watch Your Claws
And it seems like Mommy and Santa are about to be getting into the nasty. Yes, Santa is a pervert and a very naughty boy.
If you think seeing mommy kissing Santa Claus was traumatizing, how about seeing mommy sitting on Santa’s lap?
36. Harry Secombe: Christmas Cheer
You know the creepy uncle you only see on holidays? You know the one who travels around in a windowless van your parents won’t let you in? Well, he released a Christmas album.
Because Santa Claus isn’t the only fat guy around who likes children around him. But at least Harry Secombe doesn’t need to sneak into their houses.
37. Six Million Dollar Man: Christmas Adventures
From The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit: “I thought the Six Million Dollar Man was supposed to be a good guy? Based on this cover, it seems as if he’s killed Santa, put on his costume, and jettisoned St. Nick’s corpse into space on board a rocket. Man, that’s effed up. Jolly ol’ Steve Austin looks like he’s getting some kind of sick thrill from the whole thing – check out that demonic smirk. Later, Austin uses his bionic powers to crush the Elves’ Revolt. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard the sound of an elf’s windpipe being crushed in slo-mo.”
Spend the holiday season listening to 4 exciting adventures from the Six Million Dollar Man.
38. Ben Best: Happy Christmas Party: The Best of Ben Best
I don’t think Ben Best looks like this and I have no idea who that guy is. Still, why the designer had to resort to the most uncreative gimmick to sell this album is beyond me. Yeah, let’s hope she gets some clothes for Christmas.
Of course, you can’t have a Christmas party without a naked girl surrounded by presents.
39. AC/DC: Mistress for Christmas
Now that’s no way to treat a lady. Looks like Bon Scott has basically kidnapped her and now he’s probably in very deep shit. Yeah, he has a weird look in his face.
Uh, Bon Scott, I don’t think you get a mistress for Christmas by grabbing some lady in a Santa dress by the legs.
40. Bootsy Collins: Christmas Is 4 Ever
Yes, marvel at Bootsy’s wonderful divine powers at his celestial creation of a big ass star. Yeah, his Christmas town is sure shining tonight.
Of course, Christmas is forever, as far as I know since Bootsy Collins is an overlord and deity of a snow globe Christmas town.
41. Indo G: Christmas N’ Memphis: Christmas Will Never Be the Same
I don’t know about you. But robbing a bank is very naughty, Santa Claus. And it can lead to a long prison sentence. You don’t want to go there.
Nothing says “Merry Christmas” and “Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men” than the sight of Santa Claus being held by guns for robbing a bank.
42. The Carolleers: Favorite Christmas Carols
I don’t know about you. But something tells me that Johnny’s new girlfriend Jenny might be a vampire. I don’t know why, just look at her eyes and teeth. Not that it’s none of my business.
Yes, nothing warms your heart on Christmas than having strangers show up at your door and sing annoying songs to you.
43. Andre Kostelanetz and his Orchestra: Nutcracker Suite
From Cracked: “Why is a wolf-tiger hybrid groping its own tail while it plots to eat that girl? Why is a clown head sitting in a bush? Was the clown decapitated? If so, why’d he die with such a smile on his face? What part of the Nutcracker Suite was that in? Is that a log next to the clown head, or a slowly decomposing alligator? Why isn’t the cold preserving its corpse? Has there always been this much snow in hell? So many questions.” Yes, this is a cover that’s bound to give any child nightmares. And the ballet was pretty creepy, too.
Of course, I couldn’t do a Christmas album post this year without including Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite.
44. The Rhodes Kids: Rock n’ Rhodes Christmas
From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “It has been said the studio sessions for The Rhodes Kids were fraught with debauchery of cocaine binges, physical fights, sexual attacks on stuffed animals and worse yet…those ghastly outfits. The Rhodes Kids currently have a massive following in Fiji and still tour there.”
Seems like the Rhodes Kids have been good enough this year for a personal visit from Santa Claus himself.
45. Cee Lo Green: Cee Lo’s Magic Moment
Now this is just so ridiculous like that Chess King vintage ad from the 1980s. But man, it’s sure a purple yuletide dream or nightmare.
While Santa has his sleigh and reindeer, Cee Lo has his flying sports car pulled by majestic and magical white horses.
46. Silver Sounds of Christmas
Now I heard they used this bird in a movie called The Snowbird Before Christmas. It was a slasher horror movie. And yes, this guy was the one killing everyone on Christmas Eve.
Hear the silver sounds of Christmas and freak out your child with an album of a scary Santa bird on the cover.
47. Sherwin Linton: Christmas Memories
Kids, you might not like getting clothes for Christmas. But if you do, you will never look as tacky as this guy. Yes, the 1970s weren’t the best decade for fashion.
Yes, nothing’s better on Christmas morning than sitting down with your pair of pink platform shoes and a horrendously ugly sweater.
48. Sy Mann: Switched on Santa
Still, I was expecting Santa to have access to state of the art technology most intelligence agencies operate on. This makes me a bit disappointed. Oh wait, that’s a synthesizer, dammit. Yeah, those can be quite annoying.
So that’s how Santa spies on kids to know whether they’re bad or good. So you better be good for goodness sake.
49. Jeri Kelly: Poor Ole’ Santa Claus
I don’t know about you. But I really have a bad feeling about that girl seeing Santa in his underwear and a present behind his back.
Poor Santa. Someone stole his suit and now he has nothing on but long underwear.
50. Yuletide Disco
I’m sure wearing garlands of tinsel might not cover you up for long. And I’m sure it’s not comfortable to wear. Also, looks incredibly ridiculous. Just saying.
Because, ladies, Christmastime is a time of year when you put on the tight pants and tinsel and boogie.