Though listening to Christmas music in the store or on the radio is likely to make my ears bleed thanks to a holiday stint at Macy’s, many may beg to differ. Mostly because we have people who buy Christmas albums this time of year, many by pop artists willing to earn some sweet extra cash. And despite the saturated Christmas atmosphere of today, Christmas albums have existed for decades. After all, I’ve been doing annual posts like these for years. Don’t believe me? Then see what Michael Jackson looks like on the cover in the intro image. I mean he doesn’t seem to resemble the weird King of Pop he’d become in his later years. Nonetheless, many of these covers can be quite strange and outrageous to say the least. So for your reading pleasure this holiday season, I give you another treasury of crazy yuletide covers that time forgot.
- Pete Gold: Merry Payday Christmas
Santa Claus knows if you’ve been bad or good. So be good for goodness sake. Or else, Santa will straight out murder your ass. So you better watch out, you better not cry. And you better not pout, I’m telling you why.
Because this year, Santa means business.
2. Elvis Presley: Christmas with Elvis
Christmas is supposed to be a happy. But Elvis appears rather depressed. Wonder what’s wrong.
Apparently, Elvis is having a blue Christmas this year.
3. Arthur Fiedler & the Boston Pops: A Christmas Festival
From Classic FM: “You’re not fooling anyone, Arthur. Give the suit back now.”
This time Arthur plays Santa.
4. Bad Religion: Father Christmas
Funny, how it appears on an album cover. Since I usually see Santa smoking in Vintage ads. But Santa doesn’t seem to give a shit.
Hope you don’t mind, Santa needs to light.
5. James Galway: James Galway’s Christmas Carol
From Classic FM: “In which a scarfed Jeremy Beadle annoys the neighbours with his incessant flute-playing.”
He also does outdoor shows during the holidays.
6. Para Bailar: Drum Christmas Drum
She also doesn’t seem keen on her man kissing her on the forehead. Just look at her bulging eyes of shock.
While her portait has been textured in garden mosaic.
7. Canadian Brass: The Christmas Album
From Classic FM: “Sorry guys. Another entry for Canadian Brass. No matter how hard you parp your brass at that tree, it’s not going to make it a merry Christmas.”
Blowing their horns at the Christmas tree, are they?
8. Dionne Warwick and Placido Domingo: Christmas in Vienna II
From Classic FM: “As unlikely pairings go, this is one of the strongest we’ve seen. Worth it for the kid in front of Placido’s expression alone.”
Apparently, one of the 3 Tenors decided to duet with a noted soul singer.
9. Christmas Carols from Winchester Cathedral
From Classic FM: “Because nothing says Christmas like identical twin choirboys and a candle the size of a grandfather clock.”
Featuring 2 choir boys and a towering candle.
10. The Cousins: The Cousins Celebrate Xmas.
The guy’s like “Wow, just what I always wanted.” While the other guys are like, “Not exactly what I expected. But hey, he seems to like it.”
Here Santa presents one of them with a brand new electric guitar.
11. Ernest Borgnine with the Brinton Maridon Orchestra: The Nine Days of Christmas
Besides, before he won an Academy Award for Marty, Ernest Borgnine was best known for beating Frank Sinatra to death in From Here to Eternity. Also, his smiling expression is kind of creepy.
For some reason Ernest Borgnine doesn’t strike me as having a good singing voice.
12. Garth Brooks & Trisha Yearwood: Christmas Together
Apparently, Garth seems like he’s terrified by his singing partner Trisha. While Trisha probably has a skeleton collection in her walk-in closet. Wait a minute, those two are married?
I can see the expression on Garth Brooks’ face silently screaming “Help me!”
13. Herb Alpert: The Christmas Wish with Symphony and Choir
For a man as legendary as Herb Alpert, you’d think he wouldn’t need to work as a mall Santa. Then again, maybe he just does it for amusement.
To supplement his income during the holiday season, the legendary Herb Alpert fills in part-time as a mall Santa.
14. Hurra Por Santa Claus!
By the way, the movie was a stupid as you expect. Still, you can’t help but laugh at Santa riding a rocket between his legs.
From the motion picture Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.
15. The Kingston Trio: The Last Month of the Year
From Music Radar: “The clean-cut folk trio pictured committing typically chirpy group suicide by electrocution following the release of their 1960 seasonal release.”
Guess who’s come with presents?
16. Mae West: Wild Christmas
Well, Mae West was always an attractive woman. But Santa seems a bit more than attracted to her.
Boy, Mrs. Claus is gonna be pissed.
17. Chris Farren: Like a Gift from God or Whatever
Still, it doesn’t help that he’s wearing a Christmas wreath around his face. Seriously, that just looks really dumb.
Apparently, this man has a rather high opinion about Christmas or himself.
18. Michala Petri: Noel! Noel! Noel!: Christmas with Michala Petri
Seriously, what the hell are those boys wearing? Because those outfits seem straight from a Transylvanian castle.
Featuring the sons of Dracula.
19. Robert Alagna: The Christmas Album
From Classic FM: “Looks like Michael Bolton’s hair and his mum’s gloves were on the Christmas list this year. Season’s greetings, Roberto!”
Here he is out in the snow wearing a fur coat.
20. Olgay Tony: Santa Claus a Go Go
Didn’t he could wear a polo shirt and an ascot tie. Like he’s some rich jerk at a polo match.
Since when did Santa get so thin and casual?
21. The Gantvoort Twins: The Gantvoort Twins Sing Christmas Carols
Then again, they might be playing music to muffle their discussion about what to do with Gladys. Because Gladys needs to pay for what she did.
Am I seeing double at the record player?
22. Jan Gorussen: Prettice Kerstdagen
Though while Santa may enjoy a polka now and then, the reindeer have gotten spastic over it. But Santa doesn’t care.
Featuring Santa Claus playing the accordion.
23. More Christmas Disco
I know this was released during the 1970s. But do you think I’d want to be dancing to disco versions of Christmas songs? No.
You mean there’s more disco Christmas music?
24. Redneck Christmas
Guess someone’s been driving his sleigh too many times under the influence. Yet, how were police to know?
Okay, what did Santa do now?
25. Billy Idol: Happy Holidays
Aside playing piano in a hotel lounge, Billy Idol also works as a bouncer at a nearby bar. So don’t mess with him. Or he’ll beat you to a pulp.
1980s sensation Billy Idol is here to make your season bright.
26. Phillips 66 Present Tijuana Christmas
Does it actually snow in Tijuana? Of course, not since their winters are comparatively mild. Also, what’s Santa doing in the back seat?
I’m sure they’re not driving through Tijuana.
27. The Three Stooges: Christmas Time with the Three Stooges
What the hell are Curly and Moe doing to Larry? From how they’ve put him in a time machine, he’s probably history.
Something tells me spending Christmas with them isn’t exactly a blast.
28. Na Er Det Jul Igen
Santa is creepy enough. But the elf trolls make the Elf on the Shelf look like a bunny rabbit since they’re simply terrifying.
Featuring Santa and his elves from your nightmares.
29. Tweenies: The Christmas Album
I don’t know who they are. But I think they’re a British knock off of Sesame Street. Yet, they don’t seem to have any of the warmth or charm.
Featuring puppets singing Christmas songs and their dog.
30. Mariah Carey: Merry Christmas II You
Don’t look now. But I think the snowman likes what he sees of Mariah Carey from behind.
You can bet a rendition of “All I Want for Christmas Is You” is on the track listings somewhere.
31. Little Steven’s Underground Garage: Christmas a Go Go
Also, what’s the deal with Rudolph’s head on Santa’s motorcycle? Seriously, that’s just fucked up.
What the hell is Santa on?
32. Cliff Richard: Christmas with Cliff Richard 1968
Look, I know this album came out in the 1960s. But this cover seems like something that’s designed from a Microsoft print shop program from the 2000s.
Apparently, his album design crew was on a budget.
33. Curt Davis: Something New for Christmas
Though he kind of reminds you of your jerkass boss who’d send you a Jelly of the Month Club membership instead of an actual bonus. Also, his sweater’s kind of tacky.
Wonder what he’d want from Santa.
34. Wurlitzer Christmas
From Classic FM: “Two disturbing things: the ghostly image of Santa’s slippers (are they slippers, actually?) on the pedals, and the fact that someone has made a Wurlitzer Christmas album.”
Presenting all your Christmas favorites on keyboard organ.
35. Christmas Eve with Colonel Sanders
Seems like he has visions of fried chicken dance in his head. Too bad he’s been behind a lot of heart attacks of the decades.
Apparently, the Colonel has fallen asleep near the fireside.
36. Yellowman: A Very, Very Yellow Christmas
Essentially, a yellow Christmas is a white Christmas. Except that you realize that local animals have been using your yard as a toilet.
Quick, someone tell him what a “yellow Christmas” actually means.
37. Pentatonix: That’s Christmas to Me
From The Things: “The album cover to Pentatonix’s “That’s Christmas To Me” is one of two things. It’s either trying too hard to look like a candid we’re-all-having-a-great-time-and-love-being-around-each-other photo, or this is how these people exist in real life. And that’s something we’ve never seen before.”
When you smile for the photo for the 100th time and just want to leave.
38. Lee Greenwood: Christmas to Christmas
From The Things: “What’s awkward about this Christmas album cover, besides the unearned pose, is that the fire seems inexplicably fake, his sweater (or sweatshirt?) looks a little too big, and you just can’t stop looking at his Christmas package.”
You know the guy who sang the cheesy “I’m Proud to Be an American” that will drive you up a wall on the 4th of July? Apparently, he has a Christmas album.
39. We Wish You a Hairy Christmas
From The Things: “What’s awkward about this holiday album cover is not the adult-film-star-looking model, but what is surrounding her. The giant prop candy cane is all well and good, but over her right shoulder stands the head of a deer, a reindeer perhaps, staring blankly outward. One of its antlers, curiously enough, looks like a knife stabbing the poor creature in the head. It could easily be a trick of optics, but the fact remains that the deer simply doesn’t need to be there.”
Presenting a scantily clad model in front of a deer head.
40. A Nostalgic Merry Christmas to You
From The Things: “Is this awkward Christmas album cover really supposed to make people nostalgic for Christmas? I get that it sparks the memory and majesty of opening presents on Christmas morning, but we can’t relate to this one bit. I’ve never seen parents that get THIS done up for Christmas morning. And look! Those kids are somehow dressed, too. What IS this nonsense?!?! Did they go to sleep in those clothes? Because no kid waits to get dressed on Christmas before tearing maniacally through presents from Santa. Maybe they’re on their way to church? Or they have brunch plans with the National Insurance League? Whatever the concept is, a family this cleaned up on Christmas morning is a total lie.”
Yes, listen to the songs of Christmas when families would dress in church attire before opening their gifts on Christmas morning.
41. Travis Tritt: A Travis Tritt Christmas: Loving Time of the Year
From One Country: ” Christmas should be simple. But, this is anything but. Also, there’s a cartoon band with a dog on this album cover, plus a real Travis Tritt? All of the things are happening here.”
Apparently, Travis hasn’t been seen outside cartoonland for years.
42. Clint Black: Looking for Christmas
From One Country: “Poor Clint just out in the snow look for Christmas by the glow of one small candle. Do you think he found it? Why a candle instead of a flashlight? What about a map? Or perhaps, a calendar?”
Though it’s hard to say whether he’s having any luck finding it.
43. Ronnie Milsap: Christmas with Ronnie Milsap
From One Country: “At first glance Christmas with Ronnie Milsap looks like a blast. But, the second, third, fourth and 27th glances offer different opinions.”
Nothing says Christmas like rising out of the jack-in-a-box and scaring the crap out of everybody.
44. Joe Diffie: Mr. Christmas
From One Country: “I want this to be a Hallmark movie so bad– ‘Joe Diffie is Mr. Christmas, this Saturday at 8.'”
Available at a 1980s cowboy bar or trailer park near you.
45. J.J. Hrubovcak: Death Metal Christmas
Though your grandparents will certainly be offended by the demon Madonna and child. Though they’ll probably never see it anyway.
For those who wish for a not so silent night.
46. Merry X-Mas, Dammit from the Double Down Saloon
For to spend Christmas at a bar, you must either be dead inside with no family. Or outside as this martini holding skeleton.
For nothing brings the magic of the holidays like spending Christmas in a Vegas bar full of drunks.
47. The Osmonds: Osmond Family Christmas
Seriously, the Osmonds seem less like a wholesome family and more of the family that slays together in the dead of night. Don’t you dare let them in your home.
Don’t mind the glowing carolers in the window.
48. CantArte Regensburg & Hubert Velten: Gregorian Christmas
Though I wonder who’s wearing the red hood. I know it’s supposed to be a monk. But it could be some kind of nefarious Christmas spirit.
If you’re into a real old-fashioned Christmas, this is the album for you.
49. Dino: A Wonderful Time of the Year
From The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit: “For those times when Barry Manilow is just a little too edgy, there’s Dino Kartsonakis.”
Think of him as a low-rent Barry Manilow.
50. Kenny G: Faith: A Holiday Album
From The Things: “Well before Photoshop or flameless candles- photographers had to inspire warm fuzzy Christmas album covers the old fashioned way; with real live, hair burning fire. In this strange and awkward Christmas album cover, we have adult contemporary hero, Kenny G, in what would have been used as ‘Exhibit A’ in the lawsuit against the record label.”
Kenny, you might want to step back from the candles now.