Santa Claus knows if you’ve been bad or good. So be good for goodness sake. Or else, Santa will straight out murder your ass. So you better watch out, you better not cry. And you better not pout, I’m telling you why.

Christmas is supposed to be a happy. But Elvis appears rather depressed. Wonder what’s wrong.

From Classic FM: “You’re not fooling anyone, Arthur. Give the suit back now.”

Funny, how it appears on an album cover. Since I usually see Santa smoking in Vintage ads. But Santa doesn’t seem to give a shit.

From Classic FM: “In which a scarfed Jeremy Beadle annoys the neighbours with his incessant flute-playing.”

She also doesn’t seem keen on her man kissing her on the forehead. Just look at her bulging eyes of shock.

From Classic FM: “Sorry guys. Another entry for Canadian Brass. No matter how hard you parp your brass at that tree, it’s not going to make it a merry Christmas.”

From Classic FM: “As unlikely pairings go, this is one of the strongest we’ve seen. Worth it for the kid in front of Placido’s expression alone.”

From Classic FM: “Because nothing says Christmas like identical twin choirboys and a candle the size of a grandfather clock.”

The guy’s like “Wow, just what I always wanted.” While the other guys are like, “Not exactly what I expected. But hey, he seems to like it.”

Besides, before he won an Academy Award for Marty, Ernest Borgnine was best known for beating Frank Sinatra to death in From Here to Eternity. Also, his smiling expression is kind of creepy.

Apparently, Garth seems like he’s terrified by his singing partner Trisha. While Trisha probably has a skeleton collection in her walk-in closet. Wait a minute, those two are married?

For a man as legendary as Herb Alpert, you’d think he wouldn’t need to work as a mall Santa. Then again, maybe he just does it for amusement.

By the way, the movie was a stupid as you expect. Still, you can’t help but laugh at Santa riding a rocket between his legs.

From Music Radar: “The clean-cut folk trio pictured committing typically chirpy group suicide by electrocution following the release of their 1960 seasonal release.”

Well, Mae West was always an attractive woman. But Santa seems a bit more than attracted to her.

Still, it doesn’t help that he’s wearing a Christmas wreath around his face. Seriously, that just looks really dumb.

Seriously, what the hell are those boys wearing? Because those outfits seem straight from a Transylvanian castle.

From Classic FM: “Looks like Michael Bolton’s hair and his mum’s gloves were on the Christmas list this year. Season’s greetings, Roberto!”

Didn’t he could wear a polo shirt and an ascot tie. Like he’s some rich jerk at a polo match.

Then again, they might be playing music to muffle their discussion about what to do with Gladys. Because Gladys needs to pay for what she did.

Though while Santa may enjoy a polka now and then, the reindeer have gotten spastic over it. But Santa doesn’t care.

I know this was released during the 1970s. But do you think I’d want to be dancing to disco versions of Christmas songs? No.

Guess someone’s been driving his sleigh too many times under the influence. Yet, how were police to know?

Aside playing piano in a hotel lounge, Billy Idol also works as a bouncer at a nearby bar. So don’t mess with him. Or he’ll beat you to a pulp.

Does it actually snow in Tijuana? Of course, not since their winters are comparatively mild. Also, what’s Santa doing in the back seat?

What the hell are Curly and Moe doing to Larry? From how they’ve put him in a time machine, he’s probably history.

Santa is creepy enough. But the elf trolls make the Elf on the Shelf look like a bunny rabbit since they’re simply terrifying.

I don’t know who they are. But I think they’re a British knock off of Sesame Street. Yet, they don’t seem to have any of the warmth or charm.

Don’t look now. But I think the snowman likes what he sees of Mariah Carey from behind.

Also, what’s the deal with Rudolph’s head on Santa’s motorcycle? Seriously, that’s just fucked up.

Look, I know this album came out in the 1960s. But this cover seems like something that’s designed from a Microsoft print shop program from the 2000s.

Though he kind of reminds you of your jerkass boss who’d send you a Jelly of the Month Club membership instead of an actual bonus. Also, his sweater’s kind of tacky.

From Classic FM: “Two disturbing things: the ghostly image of Santa’s slippers (are they slippers, actually?) on the pedals, and the fact that someone has made a Wurlitzer Christmas album.”

Seems like he has visions of fried chicken dance in his head. Too bad he’s been behind a lot of heart attacks of the decades.

Essentially, a yellow Christmas is a white Christmas. Except that you realize that local animals have been using your yard as a toilet.

From The Things: “The album cover to Pentatonix’s “That’s Christmas To Me” is one of two things. It’s either trying too hard to look like a candid we’re-all-having-a-great-time-and-love-being-around-each-other photo, or this is how these people exist in real life. And that’s something we’ve never seen before.”

From The Things: “What’s awkward about this Christmas album cover, besides the unearned pose, is that the fire seems inexplicably fake, his sweater (or sweatshirt?) looks a little too big, and you just can’t stop looking at his Christmas package.”

From The Things: “What’s awkward about this holiday album cover is not the adult-film-star-looking model, but what is surrounding her. The giant prop candy cane is all well and good, but over her right shoulder stands the head of a deer, a reindeer perhaps, staring blankly outward. One of its antlers, curiously enough, looks like a knife stabbing the poor creature in the head. It could easily be a trick of optics, but the fact remains that the deer simply doesn’t need to be there.”

From The Things: “Is this awkward Christmas album cover really supposed to make people nostalgic for Christmas? I get that it sparks the memory and majesty of opening presents on Christmas morning, but we can’t relate to this one bit. I’ve never seen parents that get THIS done up for Christmas morning. And look! Those kids are somehow dressed, too. What IS this nonsense?!?! Did they go to sleep in those clothes? Because no kid waits to get dressed on Christmas before tearing maniacally through presents from Santa. Maybe they’re on their way to church? Or they have brunch plans with the National Insurance League? Whatever the concept is, a family this cleaned up on Christmas morning is a total lie.”

From One Country: ” Christmas should be simple. But, this is anything but. Also, there’s a cartoon band with a dog on this album cover, plus a real Travis Tritt? All of the things are happening here.”

From One Country: “Poor Clint just out in the snow look for Christmas by the glow of one small candle. Do you think he found it? Why a candle instead of a flashlight? What about a map? Or perhaps, a calendar?”

From One Country: “At first glance Christmas with Ronnie Milsap looks like a blast. But, the second, third, fourth and 27th glances offer different opinions.”

From One Country: “I want this to be a Hallmark movie so bad– ‘Joe Diffie is Mr. Christmas, this Saturday at 8.'”

Though your grandparents will certainly be offended by the demon Madonna and child. Though they’ll probably never see it anyway.

For to spend Christmas at a bar, you must either be dead inside with no family. Or outside as this martini holding skeleton.

Seriously, the Osmonds seem less like a wholesome family and more of the family that slays together in the dead of night. Don’t you dare let them in your home.

Though I wonder who’s wearing the red hood. I know it’s supposed to be a monk. But it could be some kind of nefarious Christmas spirit.

From The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit: “For those times when Barry Manilow is just a little too edgy, there’s Dino Kartsonakis.”

From The Things: “Well before Photoshop or flameless candles- photographers had to inspire warm fuzzy Christmas album covers the old fashioned way; with real live, hair burning fire. In this strange and awkward Christmas album cover, we have adult contemporary hero, Kenny G, in what would have been used as ‘Exhibit A’ in the lawsuit against the record label.”