During the summer time, while the rest of us are having fun in the sun and possibly going on vacation if they’re lucky, many of your favorite celebrity music performers are busy recording their Christmas albums. So by this time, they’d be ready for sale this holiday season so you and your loved ones can enjoy some holiday favorites. Of course, Christmas albums have been all the rage for a very long time. I ought to know since I already completed two posts of some of the bad covers. And I decided to do another since the depth of bad Christmas album covers is endless. Sure you might find them horrifying beyond description like a trainwreck or this year’s election (which saw an unrespectable man ascend to the presidency and over 60 million people were conned into voting for him). Yet, you might some unintentionally funny. And if you’re over a certain age, you might find some Christmas album covers on here that you’d rather forget. So for your holiday reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of horrendous Christmas albums from yesterday.
- Dr. Duke Tumatoe: It’s Christmas
Yet, there’s a blurb that says, “(Let’s have sex).” As if I think a guy like that in a Santa suit is sexy. Actually, it’s kind of creepy.
An album featuring a dancing Santa is always a delight to look at.
2. Bob Dylan: Sings Holiday Favorites
Yeah, that Santa hat is totally photoshopped. Also, Dylan, if you should release a Christmas album the next time, let it be one where you write the songs.
If you like Christmas music and crave the nasal voices of folk rock, this album is for you.
3. Garth Brooks: Garth Brooks & the Magic of Christmas
So I guess that Garth Brooks moonlights as a fortune teller. Or some sort of dark seer bandit from the Old West.
If you’re into Christmas, country, and the occult supernatural, Garth Brooks got you covered.
4. Raymond Lefevre and His Orchestra: Merry Christmas
That stack of presents doesn’t look steady and seems about ready to fall. But the woman in here doesn’t seem upset about it at all. She just keeps smiling.
This album cover shows you can never carry enough presents in your hands.
5. 38 Special: A Wild-Eyed Christmas
Okay, eyeball ornaments are utterly creepy and not suited for Christmas at all. So why did they think this album cover was a good idea?
During the yuletide season, even the ornaments have their eyes on you.
6. Kenny Chesney: All I Want For Christmas Is a Real Assed Tan
I heard that Kenny Chesney used a similar photo shot for his audition for Magic Mike but was rejected. So he decided to go for a variation for his Christmas album. Still, spending time on the beach isn’t Christmas to me.
Because nothing says a country Christmas like wintering in Boca Raton.
7. John Waters: A John Waters Christmas
To be fair, he’s more of a dark comic writer. Yet, if there’s a fire in your house, you just have to do something about it. Like get a fire extinguisher and call 911.
For John Waters not even a fire among the presents will keep him from enjoying the holiday season.
8. The Mistletoe Disco Band: Christmas Disco
Yes, Christmas disco albums do exist. But at least this album didn’t feature Santa Claus in a red polyester suit. Because that would’ve been worse.
Now you can listen to your Christmas favorites to the sound that reminds you of the 1970s or Europeans.
9. Chabelo: Chabelo en Navidad
Sure he’ll freeze his ass off in these clothes during the winter. But to add insult to injury, he’s also wearing socks with sandals. You know committing one of the cardinal sins of fashion.
For there is no better winter attire than your golf course attire in May.
10. Les Chaussettes Noires
It’s even funnier that they’re dressed with red capes on their heads and robes. It’s like they’re dressed in a cross between Merlin and Santa Claus. Yes, it’s kind of weird.
Ever imagined a Santa rock band? Now you don’t need to.
11. Christmas Disco Party
Yeah, Santa, wait until Mrs. Claus finds out about you and that blonde. Boy, you’re sleeping in the doghouse tonight.
That moment when Santa comes to his senses that fooling around with a dancing swimsuit model might put him on the naughty list.
12. Midnight String Quartet: Christmas Rhapsodies for Young Lovers
Sure they may list traditional hits. But the vibes I get from this picture is “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” You know the one where the woman wants to go home while the guy wants her to stay and well, you get the idea.
Finally, a the kind of Christmas album that can get 20-somethings in the mood for romance.
13. Liberace: Twas the Night Before Christmas
So what did Liberace do to get a coat of so much fur? Shoot a polar bear? Seems reasonable enough.
Because it Can’t be Christmas without seeing Liberace in his long fur coat of glory.
14. Gayla Peevey: I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
You probably remember the song on this album. But at least the cover goes to great lengths why any child shouldn’t want a hippopotamus for Christmas. I mean hippos kill more people in Africa than lions.
For nothing makes a girl jump for joy on Christmas than a scarily dressed hippo that could eat her alive.
15. Sufjan Stevens: Sufjan Stevens Presents Astral Interplanetary Space Captain Christmas Infinity Voyage
Too bad the space captain will probably suffocate in there and die. Since a turban won’t protect him in the vacuum of space. Also, that’s not Sufjan Stevens.
Sufjan Stevens would like to wish you all Merry Christmas from space.
16. Lawrence Welk: Christmas Memories
My dad used to dread watching Lawrence Welk when he was a kid. Looking at this album cover, I can totally understand why. He seems like he could break into your house and kill you with an accordion any moment.
Nothing says Christmas like bandleader being a massive creep in his Santa suit.
17. Merry Cajun Christmas Volume Two
Uh, doesn’t Santa have a sleigh that he doesn’t need to row among gators? Or creepy banjo players? Seriously, he has a flying reindeer pulled sleigh for God’s sake!
Santa Claus has to be a brave man to deliver presents to the boys and girls while dodging a river of hungry gators.
18. Eartha Kitt: Santa Baby
At least Eartha Kitt’s pose sitting on Santa’s lap doesn’t shy away from what the song is about. Of course, Mrs. Claus wouldn’t approve.
For some women just can’t help but think Santa Claus as the ultimate sugar daddy.
19. Afroman: Afroman’s Colt 45 Christmas: Original Uncut Version
This Christmas album cover is kind of depressing if you ask me. It seems like a more appropriate cover for the soundtrack to the Wire, than on anything to do with the holidays.
As we know Christmas can be a time of cold weather and cold malt liquor.
20. Cyndi Lauper: Merry Christmas….Have a Nice Life!
Guess she’s thinking, “Oh, God, why did they make me do this? And how long do I have to sit next to this red suited creep?”
For some reason, Cyndi Lauper always dreaded visiting Santa at the mall.
21. The Hiltonaires with the Tony Mansell Singers: Swingin’ in a Winter Wonderland
Don’t ask me but Sant seems a bit pervy toward that girl in this one. And I’m not sure how old this girl is. Sure hope she’s 18.
Santa Claus always enjoys dancing with skimpy clad women around the Christmas tree.
22. The Pac Man Christmas Story
So I guess this story consists of gorging through a maze without being seen by goblins. Because that’s what the game is like. Yet, this suggests otherwise.
Ever wish you had a Christmas album of an Atari video game. Look no further.
23. Student Nurses Sing the Season In
Hits include: “They Three Drunks of SantaCon Are,” “Bedpans We Have Heard on High,” “I’ll Be On Call for Christmas,” and “Away in a Gurney.” You know stuff nurses have to deal with over the holidays.
For nothing brings bright holiday cheer than student nurses singing Christmas carols.
24. What Can You Get a Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?)
Yes, they did songs like these back in the day. They even had a Star Wars Christmas special. Still, this cover of Chewbacca is hilarious.
Uh, I can guess a set of hair brushes and combs suited for musk oxen. Or a vacuum to clean up after himself?
25. Henry Mancini, His Orchestra, and Chorus: A Merry Mancini Christmas
Still, it doesn’t seem like the who crew really wants to participate. His daughter next to his wife seems like she’s dragged into doing the stupid photoshoot and feels like the kids at school will make fun at her for it. On the bright side, I hope it has some Christmas songs in the Pink Panther or Peter Gunn theme. That would be awesome.
Of course, when you’re a famous composer it helps to put your family on the Christmas album cover.
26. Universal Robot Band: Disco Christmas
This whole album design seems like it was madeby someone on acid. Because nothing about it makes any logical sense.
Listen to the songs that would make Santa and his reindeer boogie this holiday season in space.
27. Pepsi Feliz Navidad!
Okay, I know they’re drinking pop, not red wine. But did they really have to show kids drinking from wine glasses? Because it looks like a classic case of underage drinking.
The holidays are always a time of year to give a toast to new beginnings.
28. Lawrence Welk: Merry Christmas from Lawrence Welk and His Champagne Music
Because if his nightmarish face didn’t scare you, note his tree seems covered in cobwebs. And no, that sight doesn’t make me merry.
Merry Christmas from the creepy bandleader your grandparents probably like and his nightmare before Christmas tree.
29. Le Vrai Pere Noel Chante
That kid in buckskin really doesn’t look like an Indian. And I’m not sure about the kid in Asian dress either. Also, the Santa with these kids is guaranteed to haunt your dreams.
Think of it as a Village People children’s Christmas album but more racist.
30. Leon Russell: Moonlight & Love Songs
To be fair, the late Leon Russell did perform at Woodstock and was renowned in his own right. But his Christmas album makes him seem like Santa who knows that you’ve been really bad this year. Not sure why the dog is here.
There’s nothing like it on Christmas than posing for an album with the dog that best matches your beard in a black background.
31. Charles Bronson: Twas the Night Before Bronson
I find it hard to imagine a guy like Charles Bronson having a Christmas album unless it includes anything revenge oriented. Also, that Christmas hat doesn’t help matters at all.
Now you can hear action star Charles Bronson sing your holiday favorites.
32. Antonio Fargas: It’s Christmas
On Starsky and Hutch, Huggy Bear was a police informant who talked jive and was ethically ambiguous. He also dressed flashy and operated his own bar. You can guess where this is going….
Fans of Starsky and Hutch will certainly like this Christmas album from Huggy Bear.
33. Michala Petri: Noel! Noel! Noel! Christmas with Michala Petri
It’s said Ms. Petri has her choir boys to surround her in order to keep her warm as she plays her bassoon. Yeah, I know the snowy backdrop bit doesn’t make sense.
Nothing says Christmas like a singer surrounded by choir boys in a snowy mountain backdrop.
34. Roger Whittaker: The Roger Whittaker Christmas Album
If it weren’t for that fur coat, you’d think this man would just be some guy on the street who’s secretly a serial killer. Then again, maybe I assume too much.
Or the kind of album you’d expect to be made by that freaky guy in accounting.
35. Tijuana Voices with Brass: Sing Merry Christmas
However, according to the album, they even suggest that Tijuana women are known for their distinctive mustaches. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Christmas time is always a festive occasion in Tijuana, Mexico.
36. Exciting Christmas Stories
Batman looks as if he has rabies while Wondy and Superman don’t seem concerned about it. Okay, he’s wearing a Santa beard. But still, it’s disturbing.
Kids, share your Christmas by listening to tales about your favorite DC Comics superheroes.
37. Elton John: Elton John’s Christmas Party
Uh, Elton, I like your music and all. But I think we’re all a bit freaked out about you having a record at your crotch. Just letting you know.
Celebrate Christmas with the music of the legendary Sir Elton John.
38. Liberace: Christmas Memories
Now I can understand why Liberace decides to dress in lavish furs at the piano. Yeah, too gangster.
Those who want to see Liberace dressed as Nucky Thompson need not look further.
39. Wham!: Last Christmas
From First Draft: “Poor Andrew Ridgely. Wasn’t it bad enough to be George Michael’s sidekick? They had to make the poor bastard a reindeer. I hope no Norwegian tried to eat him. That would not be Whamtastic.”
Fans of George Michael might enjoy listening to the earworm sappy Christmas song that’s annoying as hell. Seriously, I hate this song with a passion.
From Turntabling: “I don’t even want to know what THIS bunch is on about. It looks like a prison lineup, but ESPECIALLY the guy on the far left. What the hell’s going on in THIS gent’s head? Images of sugarplums, no doubt, slicing up the neighborhood winos and barbecuing pets on a wood stove.”
Because Christmas can’t get more into the Disco years than this.
41. Ruth Lyons: Ten Tunes of Christmas
Well, it’s not quite a Charlie Brown Tree. Yet, even decorating it in tinsel and ornaments can’t make it look festive. So sad. But I guess they had to make it work.
That moment when you had to settle for the last tree at the Christmas tree farm and have to do a family Christmas card at the family owned hotel.
42. Homer and Jethro: Cool Crazy Christmas with Homer & Jethro
However, seeing them dressed up as kids in this is a very different story. Seriously, guys, you’re creeping me out.
Nothing says Christmas like seeing a couple of grown men playing with toys.
43. Thore Skogmans Julkivia: Klappa Pa
For all we know, he could just be luring this kid to put in a sack and do terrible things to him in his windowless van. But what do I know?
Remember, kids, just because a guy is in a Santa suit doesn’t mean he’s nice.
44. The Oak Ridge Boys: Christmas
From Flashbak: “Three of these guys belong in either a seedy bus station or a rustic log cabin – not a tacky eighties living room. Like matzo balls in clam chowder, they do not belong.”
There’s nothing on Christmas like seeing a bunch of bearded guys enjoying themselves around the tree.
45. William Hung: Hung for the Holidays
From NME: “It doesn’t bode well for a Christmas album when its cover looks like a MS Paint rush job, with the artist’s face crudely dropped in. Also William, we get why you called your record ‘Hung For The Holidays’ but given suicide rates across Europe and America reach record highs around this time of year, is this really the best possible title? Really?”
For fans of the American Idol reject William Hung, I’m sure you’ll find his Christmas album a delight.
46. Raffi: Raffi’s Christmas Album
From Flashbak: “Imagine seeing this at your bedside when you wake up Christmas morn, (shudder)” Yes. this will certainly inspire nightmares.
So that’s what Raffi actually looked like in real life. Not how I expected.
47. Dave Boyer: Joy & Happiness at Christmas
From Flashbak: “I don’t need to tell you that your wife with fake tan and your crummy living room shouldn’t be on the cover of your album; clearly, this wasn’t conveyed to Dave Boyer. For the curious, his daughter is holding “Reach Out” a hip version of the New Testament.”
Unfortunately, Mrs. Boyer’s trip to the tanning salon didn’t turn out well.
48. Torben & Klaus: Svingnissen – Dansemus
From Flashbak: “Where’s mom, you ask? Look into that girl’s eyes – the eyes of the purest evil – and you’ll have your answer.”
This family would like to send their Christmas wishes and may your yuletide season be filled with love.
49. Leroy Andersen: A Christmas Festival with Leroy Andersen
From Flashbak: “This looks nothing at all like a festival. This is an old man taking notes…. perhaps they should have researched the term “festival” a bit more.”
Apparently, this guy doesn’t really know what festival means. Or he wasn’t invited so he’s taking notes.
50. Music for Dreaming
From Go Retro: “No wonder I always wake up with a headache! After a long day of cross country skiing, there’s nothing better then taking a nap in the snow and dreaming that I’m a 50 foot woman about to be rammed in the head by cars.”
For those tired of all the Christmas commercialism, this is the album for you.