Of course, we can’t have Christmas without all that annoying Christmas music you want to shut yourself away from and can’t avoid. Seriously, even before Thanksgiving, you find it everywhere. But after Thanksgiving, Christmas music is turned up to overdrive. And yes, it’s annoying and will make your ears bleed if you’ve ever had to work in retail. Still, you don’t have to be the artists who recorded them. Since they have to do these while on their summer vacations. Anyway, while some of these covers may be stunning like this Beatles one above, a lot of these aren’t that memorable. In fact, some of them are kind of tacky and in poor taste. Others haven’t aged well and can be rather unintentionally funny. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage Christmas album covers. Enjoy.
- Les Menestrels: Tetes Decembrees de Noel
Why is that one head smiling? The woman’s like she’s ready to mount them on her wall with her hunting trophies.
For nothing says Christmas like a blond woman holding 2 disembodied heads.
2. Toby Keith: Classic Christmas
Yet, I have no idea why he’s wearing a Santa hat over his cowboy hat. I mean make up your mind already. Also, it’s clearly photoshopped.
Celebrate the season country style.
3. Shelley Duvall: Merry Christmas
Though I’d rather have them clean my house. Also, are those reindeer or horses?
Featuring cartoon woodland creatures.
4. Dynamite: Dynamite’s Soul Christmas
Give him some Jack Daniels whiskey and sandwiches instead. Maybe a few bottles of the former.
Sorry, kids, but Santa’s through milk and cookies this year.
5. 98°: This Christmas
Yet, they must use really good bleach because their outfits stand out more than anything else. Also, clearly photoshopped.
These guys must be dreaming of a white Christmas.
6. Vincent Lopez: Christmas Music
Santa sits back on a plastic chair like he’s drunk off his ass. Also, that chair can’t be very comfortable.
Cause even Santa needs a break now and then.
7. Soulful Dynamics: Dying Snowman
Sure, it would’ve been a decent cover if it wasn’t for the title. Also, the snowman’s face just says it all.
When you want to spice up the holiday season with some existential dread.
8. Los Tremendos Sepultureros; El Nino del Tambor
Seriously, why do they have a woman in a sleazy Santa outfit? Now the guys are really anticipating their Christmas lap dance.
For the guy who wants to hold his bachelor party during the holidays.
9. Xmas a Go Go
Seriously, these guys seem like they’re just doing the album for the money. And that they’d rather be somewhere else like on vacation.
For the J and K pop band who needs a few extra bucks.
10. The Joy Strings: Christmas with the Joy Strings
Also, what the hell is that black girl doing here? Does she have a black parent taking the picture? Was she adopted? Or is she there just to bring some mandatory diversity among the kids? Seriously, her appearance needs some context.
Brought to you by one of the guys from Goodfellas.
11. Freunde: Wir Warten Auf Weihnachten
This guy doesn’t seem to like being Santa. Maybe he should throw a toy at the kids. Can start with that plush bunny.
When you have to work as a mall Santa around kids with no consideration for your personal space.
12. Edna Gallix: Petit Papa Disco Hit Noel
What the hell is that woman wearing? The cape over the sleeveless outfit doesn’t make much sense to me.
When St. Nick likes what he sees.
13. Cabbage Patch Kids: A Cabbage Patch Christmas
Yes, these dolls were very popular during the 1980s and 1990s. And no, I have no idea why they’re in the winter cold only wearing sweaters.
Apparently, these dolls can sing.
14. Crazy Frog: “Jingle Bells/Last Christmas”
I mean frogs wouldn’t be out during the winter since they’re cold blooded. And they wouldn’t be rolling snowballs without a coat on either.
Well, this frog is sure damn crazy.
15. Diommy Kito: Xmas Memories
After all, these guys have devil ears and pitchforks. While the woman between them doesn’t have much on.
You can tell something went naughty at this party.
16. Paul Kuhn and his Orchestra: Christmas Polka
He seems to have a lot of cans of it, too. Wonder if he’s planning to enter an eating contest.
When you just have to help yourself to some yuletide sausage.
17. Filobin: Filobin Chante Noel
Kind of reminds me of Pennywise’s accountant. And ladies, please, don’t take his rose or he will kill you. Mark my words.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you a singing Christmas clown.
18. Ferrante and Teicher: Xmas Hi Fivories
Though I’m not sure if they know what they’re doing. Also, what’s in that one reindeer’s bucket? It better not be water.
Reindeer repairing pianos standing by.
19. Lula: Natal Alegre
You can see how Santa eyes the woman with a pervy stare. I’m sure Mrs. Claus won’t be happy about this.
Apparently, Santa digs chicks with pink hair.
20. King Diamond: No Presents for Christmas
And apparently, the reindeer doesn’t seem to appreciate it. Least of all posing with a guy from a KISS cover band.
Don’t forget to decorate your reindeer this Christmas.
21. Lady Gaga: A Very Gaga Holiday
Since the text seems to run into her picture. For God’s sake, you can barely see the title.
Sometimes the font seemed like a good idea at the time.
22. Lynn Anderson: The Christmas Album
Yeah, her face just seems like she’s smiling but has feelings of anxiety and annoyance inside. And she’s getting impatient.
When you pose for an album that you do because you’re under contract.
23. Mambo Santa Mambo: Christmas from the Latin Lounge
Yet, the dancers are shown in yellow light with some dark shadows. While the woman’s dress opens quite high on her thigh.
Christmas time is always great for a mambo.
24. The Roller Disco Orchestra: Non-Stop Christmas Disco
And yes, some guys are dancing to it. Still, I don’t get the Christmas disco craze. Seriously, why?
For when your Christmas can’t get more 1970s.
25. Rod Stewart: Merry Christmas, Baby
Still, the album image and title might appeal to Boomers, I don’t consider Rod Stewart as sexy at any rate. For God’s sake he sounds like he has throat cancer.
For when you record a Christmas album to prove you still got it.
26. Rolf Harris: Rolf Harris Sings Mary’s Boy Child
Sure dad and child look at the nativity lamp. But I’m sure if I’d trust the guy with that kid. Kind of seems creepy.
Of course, you can’t forget the reason for the season.
27. Connie Canuso: Connie Canuso Sings “Someone Painted Rudolph’s Nose a Chocolate Brown”
Girl seems freaked out by the fact. Still, that reindeer in this cover looks incredibly terrifying for some reason.
So does make Rudolph having to function as a normal reindeer?
28. Natal Jovem: Boas Festas
Well, they’re bodies and heads seem quite close together that it’s freakish. Also, their eyes are rather funny.
Brought to you by a freaks 3 headed Santa.
29. Shonen Knife: A Shonen Knife Christmas Record for You
Yes, there’s a group called Shonen Knife. There are even lyrics for “Space Christmas,” which I really don’t want to listen to.
Dress styles inspired by Mondrian.
30. Jularbo: Jul med Jularbo
One of the accordion players is alleged to be the father of Weird Al Yankovic. But as of now, that theory is inconclusive. Still, one accordion is enough, okay?
Introducing 3 Santas playing polka.
31. James Brown: James Brown’s Funky Christmas
For an artist as legendary as James Brown, you’d think he’d have the best album cover designer. This seems more straight out of some software printshop program from the 2000s.
Cover by dated graphics program.
32. Larry the Cable Guy: Christmastime in Larryland
And he’s wearing a Santa hat over a camo hat. Still, the smiling disembodied head just freaks me out.
Featuring Larry’s disembodied head.
33. Lawrence Welk: “Jingle Bells”
After all, the parents are in their pajamas and giving the ornaments a shine. And I thought I had a problem with procrastination.
Apparently, this family was quite late decorating their Christmas tree.
34. Merle Haggard: Merle Haggard’s Christmas Present
One daughter has a wide collar on her red dress. One seems dressed like Waldo in coveralls. While a boy’s got stripes on a real tacky brown shirt.
Here with his guitar and embarrassed that he’s one of the only member of his family normally dressed.
35. Ames Brothers: The Sounds of Christmas Harmony
The dad’s touching the boy’s shoulder and I’m not sure whether it’s appropriate. Probably is. Also, I don’t think the mom should hold the candle that way.
The family that sings carols together stays together.
36. Los Diplmaticos: Navidades
Actually, people would rather you not. Since they’d rather get drunk, eat, socialize, or open presents. Mostly the last one.
I’m sure everyone wants to hear your sax solo at the Christmas party.
37. Gary Glitter: Another Rock and Roll Christmas
I’m sure that’s just a coincidence. Still, the outfit and hair are so 1970s. Also, he got involved in a sexual misconduct charge involving minors.
Is it just me or does he remind me of Dewey Cox from Walk Hard?
38. Celine Dion: Chantes et contes de Noel
Yet, you’d almost think the kids surrounding her are ready to crush her. Wonder if she can get out of there in one piece.
Guess this was for a French Candian audience.
39. Heinjte: Weihnachten mit Heinjte
Though the cover’s clearly photoshopped. Also, his eyes kind of reveal that he doesn’t want to be there.
Apparently, one’s never too young to celebrate Christmas solo.
40. Tino Rossi: “C’est la Belle Nuit de Noel.”
Well, some kid took his beard. Still, doesn’t seem too fazed over it. Maybe French kids think about Santa differently. But the teddy bear thinks otherwise.
“Hey, you’re not Santa.”
41. Baldo: Petit Pepe Noel
Yet, there’s one guy who seems rather excited by the upcoming Christmas bar drinking. The other guys play it cool.
“Christmas beer for everyone.”
42. Jimmy Jules and the Nuclear Soul System: Christmas Done Got Funky
Not sure if that’s a good idea. This is especially if the only white guy bears a slight resemblance to Steve Buscemi.
Apparently, they decided to go shirtless for the cover.
43. The Lundstroms: Colorado Christmas
Since all the women and girls in this obviously have their hair styled in some unnatural way. Kind of reminds me of pictures you’d see on Awkward Family Photos.
Brought to you by copious amounts of hairspray.
44. Jimmy Sturr and His Orchestra: “Polka Christmas” in My Home Town
He also wears a black shirt with a pink sweater. And he doesn’t care the least. Nor does he mind the godawful upholstery.
Here Jimmy spends Christmas all by himself being the true loner he is.
45. La Tuna Estudiantina de Cayey
The lollipops look like they’re eaten. While the snowmen have no personality.
Featuring candy snowmen and candy canes.
46. Merry Christmas
The red background doesn’t do any wonders for them. Also what are those ball gift things?
When you want to look cool for the holidays but fail.
47. We Wish You a Merry Christmas
Apparently some are wearing leis. Did they do this photo op while on a Hawaii vacation? Or did some wear whatever they had on at the time?
Featuring all the artists who were under Warner Brothers contracts.
48. Three Suns: Christmas Party
Even the illustrated bird is like, “what the hell, man.” Yeah, it’s quite strange looking isn’t it?
And one that seems to go with formal attire in ornaments.
49. Alvin Styczynski: Alvin’s Christmas Album
You know the guy who thinks he’s such a great musician but will never leave. Because the music industry is a cutthroat business that only values looks.
Featuring music by that guy you know in accounting.
50. Jim Jones & Skull Gane: A Tribute to Bad Santa
One guy sits on a throne with Jack Daniels and a cigar. While the other guys are behind sacks. Or are they in them?
You mean the forgettable film starring Billy Bob Thornton?