Yes, President Snow is a really nasty piece of work if you look at a lot of the terrible things he’s done. Nevertheless, he’s a human being like everyone else in the franchise. For instance, he has a family such as a granddaughter he dotes on. So it’s certainly verbatim that he was liked enough for someone to sleep with him to procreate. I mean having a granddaughter is kind of living proof of that. But still, just because he’s a grandpa doesn’t mean he’s a very nice guy. Because he’s basically evil incarnate. And besides, other than torturing Peeta to insanity, killing henchmen, unleashing his wrath to control the victors,  and forcing teens to fight to the death, he does a lot of other nasty shit as well.

For some rehash of what Snow likes to do throughout the series, I used “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music. Yeah, I know it’s a song sung by Julie Andrews about kittens. However, it’s been mercilessly parodied ever since. Part of the reason I did a favorite things for Snow was mostly due to a cartoon parody of Josef Stalin singing the exact same song (though the melody was altered so they wouldn’t be sued). Of course, I saw this when I was a kid. Nevertheless, I think Stalin and Snow would have a lot in common. Seriously, they both love torturing and systematic murder. Still, not sure if Snow could compete with Stalin’s body count.

“My Favorite Things” (Hunger Games Edition)

Sung by President Coriolanus Snow

Banning all hunting to deter killing critters

Fatally torturing Avoxes before prisoners

Forcing some teenagers fight to the death

I delight so much I get shortness of breath

Strong smelling, blood masking white roses

Publicly whipping poor people for poaching

Climbing to power by poisoning foes

These are some things that cure all my woes

Pimping out hot victors to their Capitol patrons

Ripping out tongues and enslaving some traitors

Threatening murder when I don’t get my way

These are some things that brighten my day

When some victors, destroy the arena

When I’m really mad

I simply imprison some of their loved ones

And then I don’t feel so bad

Water torture followed by electrocution

Using cold murder as my go to solution

Having my granddaughter over for tea

These are some things that please men like me

Hijacking prisoners and use them as weapons

Unleashing muttations as traps for rebels to step in

Nuking and wiping out District 12

These are some things that make me feel so well

Spying on citizens with surveillance cameras

Starving out districts for the Capitol’s distractions

Using young children as human shields

These are some things that give me the feels

When a victor wins by cheating

When I’m really mad

I simply kill off his loved ones back home

And then I don’t feel so bad.

Note: There may be spoilers for those who haven’t read Mockingjay or watched Mockingjay Part 1. Then again, you might know that Peeta was captured by the Capitol anyway at the end of Catching Fire. This song pertains to when President Snow has Peeta captured in the arena and has him tortured, hijacked, and brainwashed in order to break Katniss’s heart.

Yes, despite looking like a skinny and grandfatherly Santa Claus, President Snow is perhaps one of the most vile villains in contemporary literature. Seriously, the guy sees absolutely nothing wrong with making teenagers fight to the death on national television in order to keep the districts in line. And he runs a totalitarian regime as well as views murder as the go-to solution for almost any problem. But he doesn’t totally show his evil claws until Mockingjay when he captures Johanna, Peeta, and Annie Cresta (Finnick’s girlfriend) after Katniss, Finnick, and Beetee destroyed and escaped from the arena by breaking the force field. Well, they had help from Plutarch, Gale, and Haymitch who rescued them to District 13. And he tries to use Peeta and Annie to control Katniss and Finnick. Luckily for Annie Cresta, Snow doesn’t need to do much to her since she’s seemingly crazy to begin with. But with Peeta, Snow has him undergo physical, emotional, and mental torture as well as brainwashing with tracker jacker venom in order to turn him into a weapon against Katniss. I mean the Peeta almost strangled her to death because he saw her as an evil “mutt.” This makes Katniss brokenhearted and in a neck brace, feeling that Peeta has lost his love for her (i. e. he hasn’t, just fighting from the inside). Yeah, I know it doesn’t make sense but that’s what he does. Of course, he also forces Peeta speak out against the rebellion. And let’s just say if this wasn’t a PG-13 Young Adult trilogy, you can guess that Peeta would have a similar torture like Lawrence of Arabia or Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption (i. e. brutal prison rape). Then again, who says that Finnick’s relationships with his “patrons” was 100% consensual? (i.e. They weren’t).

As for the song parody, I went with “Music of the Night” from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Phantom of the Opera. Yes, the Phantom is trying to lure Christine into loving him. And yes, he’s a major creepy stalker of epic proportions. However, he’s not nearly as bad as President Snow. In the Hunger Games version, I have Snow tell Peeta exactly what he’s going to do to him and that he could do nothing about it. Of course, it also reflects the kind of genteel tone of voice he uses since Snow can be polite. Nevertheless, what he does to Peeta at the Capitol is just too horrible to imagine that it took a long time to recover and even that wasn’t at 100%. Poor Peeta.

“Torture of the Night”

Sung by President Coriolanus Snow

Nightmares sharpen, heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defenses

Heard your girlfriend fled from the arena
Now you’re crying not sure when you’ll see her
Now I’ve got you in my grasp, I can act my plan at last
Hurt the Mockingjay so much that she cannot fight
Put you through the torture of the night

Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams
Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before
Close your eyes, let your nightmares start to soar
And I’ll make your life hell like it’s never been before

Softly, deftly, venom shall infect you
Feel it, hear it, closing in around you
Open up your mind, let bad fantasies unwind
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight
The darkness of the torture of the night

Let your mind put yourself under my control
I will make you a weapon against your squeeze
Your hands will lock her throat as she calls your name
Before you strangle her to death

Watch these Avoxes being tortured
Just so their deaths would bring you more horror
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in
To the power of the office and my might
The power of the torture of the night

You are now my tool within my sight
Infected with the torture of the night

Note: This post may inhabit some real spoilers. So if you hadn’t read Mockingjay or watch Mockingjay Part 2, you probably shouldn’t be reading this post. Seriously, this post gives a lot away, including stuff I can’t even talk about with my parents (since they’ve only seen the movies). But I have it on my blog anyway since it’s a catchy song and parody.

Now as I said before, living in the underground city of District 13 really sucks since it’s so restrictive and everyone pretty much has to wear gray uniforms in civilian life. Still, by Mockingjay, this pretty much the only place where Katniss can go. Of course, she does accept Alma Coin’s offer of becoming the Mockingjay as well as the symbol of the revolution and Coin fulfills all of her demands. However, after Peeta is rescued and tries to strangle Katniss due to being hijacked by the Capitol with tracker jacker venom, courtesy of President Evil Santa Claus, Coin and Katniss’s relationship becomes a little more complicated. I mean they don’t always agree with each other and Coin isn’t very too fond of her. Nevertheless Coin sees her as a valuable tool and does whatever she can to have her on the rebels’ side. At least at first. But then again, there’s a chance Coin might not be as nice as you think she is.

Now for a song parody, I decided to go with “Be Prepared” from the Lion King. In the original Scar reveals his plans to kill Mufasa and Simba so he can become king of the pride lands. And tries to get the hyenas on his side, promising he’ll let them go to the pride lands so they won’t go hungry again. That all the while he scolds them for not killing Simba and taking note of the hyenas’ stupidity. With the Hunger Games version, I went with Coin talking about District 13, her plans to bomb the Capitol as well as overthrow and kill Snow, and possible plans to kill Katniss if she ever decides to go against her. Or before Katniss ever has the opportunity to go against her anyway (I’m not saying that she’s plotting to assassinate her. Don’t want to ruin it). I know this is a villain song. But still, it’s a song for a would be usurper. Coin is at least one of these and she’s not exactly a nice lady. Hell, she may be as bad as Snow and probably even more ruthless.

“Be Prepared” (Hunger Games Edition)

Mostly sung by President Alma Coin

Coin: I never thought Katniss essential

She’s worth more to me dead than alive

But maybe she’s a glimmer of potential

Though I prefer Peeta at my side…

They thought District 13 laid in ruin

But we only moved underground

And when the districts started rebelling

We become the new refuge they’ve found

It’s clear from your vacant expressions

Our conditions are less than ideal

And here stealing bread leads to torture

Might be harsh but it’s part of the deal

So, prepare for the chance of a lifetime

Be prepared for the rebellion at hand

A shining, new era

Is tiptoeing nearer

Boggs: And where do we feature?

Coin: Just listen to me, Sir.

I know it sounds sordid

But we’ll be rewarded

When at last, Old Man Snow will be through

And it will all be deliciously squared

Coin/District 13: Be prepared!

[Speech]

Plutarch: Yeah, be prepared! We’ll be prepared! For what?

Coin: For the death of Snow!

Plutarch: Why? Is he sick?

Coin: No, fool, we’re gonna kill him. And maybe Katniss, too.

Boggs: Great idea! Who needs Snow?

Boggs and Plutarch: Anarchy! Anarchy! La-la-la-la-la-la!

Coin: Idiots! There will be a leader!

Plutarch: Hey, but you said, uh…

Coin: I will be leader! Stick with me, and you’ll never go hungry again!

Boggs and Plutarch (Variously): Yay! All right! Long live Coin!

District 13: Long live Coin! Long live Coin!

District 13: Coin, Coin, Coin, Coin, Coin, Coin!

It’s great that we’re back to rebelling

With a leader who is all time adored

Coin: Of course, with pro quo, you’re expected

To obey certain guidelines on board

We cannot waste our resources

We must ration our food carefully

But if Katniss tries to break orders

I’ll kill her before she assassinates me!!

Coin: So prepare for the coup of the century

Be prepared to free our Panem (District 13: Oooh… la, la, la!)

Meticulous planning (District 13: We’ll have food!)

Tenacity spanning (District 13: Lots of food!)

If Katniss surpassing (District 13: No teen meat!)

I’ll have her killed fast then (District 13: Snow’s defeat!)

I’ll rule, undisputed

Respected, saluted

And seen, for the leader I am

Let the Capitol burn if I care

Coin/District 13: Be prepared!

All: Let the Capitol burn if we care

Be prepared!

Now while the Hunger Games usually involved teenagers fighting to the death, this isn’t the case when it comes to the Third Quarter Quell in Catching Fire which is the 75th Hunger Games. Now every Quell takes place every 25 years and comes with a special twist like you’d see on a reality show. Haymitch actually won the second Quarter Quell which each district sent 2 boys and 2 girls. So his odds were 47 to 1. Unfortunately, for Katniss and the other victors, this Quell’s theme turns out to be Hunger Games: All Star Edition. This means that tributes would be reaped from an existing pool of victors after being assured by the Capitol that they won’t have to take part in a death match again. Not anymore. Still, Hunger Games victors don’t have nice lives after they win. Yes, there’s fame and fortune but at a very steep price since the Capitol basically keeps an eye on them. And they have to come back every year to mentor tributes in their district. Not to mention, many have been suffering from PTSD as well as descended into addiction like Haymitch. If you’re very good-looking like Finnick, it’s possible that government would whore you out to some Capitol citizens, possibly the patrons who sponsored your victory. And if a tribute fails to comply to the totalitarian regime, then it’s possible that their loved ones could be killed off like Johanna Mason’s. Also, Haymitch’s family and girlfriend were killed off as well but that was because Snow hated how he won his Games. So it’s no surprise that plenty of victors hate the Capitol.  Still, getting a bunch of Capitol hating victors together to fight it out to the death (many of whom are friends with each other), what can go wrong with that?

For a good parody of the victors’ views on the Capitol, I went with the song, “One Night in Bangkok” sung by Murray Head in the musical Chess. Yes, they actually did a musical in the 1980s pertaining to chess. And it’s about a chess tournament in Bangkok, Thailand. Yeah, in a city most people known for having a shady reputation in prostitution.  But when you think about it, the Capitol is a rather decadent city and is much worse than Bangkok (save the fact they’ll arrest you for doing Katniss’s 3 finger salute). I mean the Capitol has extravagant parties, fashion, and mass entertainment such as teenagers fighting to the death. It also has advanced technology, especially in medicine. Now before the Hunger Games, tributes are usually treated with 5-star accommodations like luxurious quarters, beautiful clothes, expensive cuisine, and a top notch training area to get them in shape before exterminating their peers. Also, Capitol citizens are watched 24/7 and not toeing the line has terrible consequences. I mean look what happened when Seneca Crane failed at his job by letting Katniss and Peeta live. With all its flaws, poverty, and shady reputation, you’d rather be in Bangkok compared to this place.

“One Night at Capitol”

Sung by the Quarter Quell Victors, Haymitch Abernathy, and Plutarch Heavensbee

Chorus:

One night at Capitol makes a hard man humble

Not much between despair and ecstasy

One night at Capitol and the tough guys tumble

Can’t be too careful with your company

I can feel Old Man Snow watching next to me

Haymitch Abernathy:

Capitol, hedonistic city

And the city don’t know what the city is getting

The creme de la creme of the Victors

In a Quell with everything but real winners

Time flies, doesn’t seem a minute

That the last Hunger Games had my two kids win it

All change, don’t you know that when you

Play at this level, there’s no ordinary venue

It’s forest or an island beach

Or desert or, or this place

Chorus:

One night at Capitol and Panem’s your oyster

Hotels are temples but the price ain’t free

You’ll find a sword in every golden cloister

And if you’re lucky when you’re dead by 3

I can feel a camera stalking up to me

Finnick:

This town’s not like any other

When your head’s down over your weapons, Brother

Wiress:

It’s a drag, it’s a bore, it’s really such a pity

To be trapped in the arena, not looking at the city

Johanna:

Whaddya mean?

Ya seen one crowded, polluted, stinking town

Chaff:

Rich food, warm and sweet (warm, sweet)

Wonder how much those at the Capitol party

Beetee:

C’mon, you’re talking to a tribute

Whose every move among the repute

I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine

Chorus:

One night at Capitol makes a hard man humble

Not much between despair and ecstasy

One night at Capitol and the tough guys tumble

Can’t be too careful with your company

I can feel Old Man Snow watching next to me

Peeta:

Panem’s gonna be the witness

To the ultimate test of murdering fitness

This scares me more than would

A muttation wolf or some rotten gouda

Plutarch:

But thank God, I’m only watching the game, controlling it

Katniss:

I don’t see you guys rating

The kind of shot I’m contemplating

You’ll have to watch, it sure would fright you

But if you’re in my place, they won’t excite you

So you better go back to your bars, your parties

Your massage parlors

Chorus:

One night at Capitol and the world’s your oyster

Hotels are temples but the price ain’t free

You’ll find sword in every golden cloister

A little flesh, a little slavery

I can feel a camera stalking up to me

One night at Capitol makes a hard man humble

Not much between despair and ecstasy

One night at Capitol and the tough guys tumble

Can’t be too careful with your company

I can feel Old Man Snow watching next to me

Now you’d think that Katniss Everdeen would have a chance in the arena with her wilderness survival skills that she’s developed due to her need to help her family, especially after her dad died in a mining explosion when she was eleven. However, the Hunger Games are also a reality show, a very sick one that commits human rights abuses, but a reality show nonetheless. So while Katniss can survive in the arena, it’s not everything. And the Capitol is hungry for drama and tributes who are appealing for the cameras like being hot or having a great personality that would get them sponsors to help them survive. It’s important for tributes to make themselves appealing in the days leading up to the Hunger Games. Unfortunately, while Katniss can look great in a pretty dress after she’s groomed up a bit, she doesn’t have the kind of personality that would stand up to sponsors and win over audiences. And let’s just say there’s not much time for Haymitch, Cinna, and her prep team to pull a My Fair Lady transformation either. However, Peeta Mellark certainly does and his love confession for Katniss on national television (a crush he had since he was 5) helps Haymitch market her as the object of Peeta’s affections. Of course, Katniss has to play along whether she wants to or not. But such star-crossed lover romance helps them both survive the Games in the first book.

Now for the parody, I based it on “You’re the One That I Want” a final song from Grease. Yes, I know Katniss is supposed to be a role model to young girls while Olivia Newton John’s character basically is the antithesis of what every girl should do to get a guy like change everything about yourself. Then again, Travolta kind of liked her anyway, but still. And the original is a cheesy love song about needing a man. However, in the Hunger Games version, it’s not a love song and I have it sung by Haymitch. And he’s telling Katniss to at least pretend to reciprocate Peeta’s love for her in order to win the audience and attract sponsors that will help them survive the Games. Of course, he’s talking to a sixteen-year-old girl who’s about as emotionally stunted as Scarlett O’Hara. Still, this is certainly a situation where Katniss might really need a man in her life, particularly one like Peeta. I mean she needs all the help she could get. Besides, I thought having him sing a song from a 1950s style musical from the 1970s would be hilarious.

“Be the One That They Want”

Sung by Haymitch Abernathy with backup from Katniss’s Prep Team

You got skills, I’m not lying

But they won’t help you

If the Capitol won’t be buying

Then you’ll be dying!

You better shape up cause you need a man

So their hearts are set on you

You better shape up, you better understand

You need them to sponsor you (cause by yourself, you won’t even pull through)

Be the one that they want(Be the one they want) oh oh oh sweetheart

Be the one that they want(Be the one they want) oh oh oh sweetheart

Be the one that they want(Be the one they want) oh oh oh sweetheart

The one that he neeeeeeds oh yes indee-ee-heed

Be the girl of Peeta’s affections

That will sure help your case

Meditate in my direction

Fake your way

You better shape up, cause you need a man (you need a man)

Who can keep them satisfied

You better shape up, if you’re gonna prove (you better prove)

That my faith is justified

That one of you could sure win and survive

Be the one that they want(Be the one they want) oh oh oh sweetheart

Be the one that they want(Be the one they want) oh oh oh sweetheart

Be the one that they want(Be the one they want) oh oh oh sweetheart

The one that he neeeeeeds oh yes indee-ee-heed

Be the one that they want(Be the one they want) oh oh oh sweetheart

Be the one that they want(Be the one they want) oh oh oh sweetheart

Be the one that they want(Be the one they want) oh oh oh sweetheart

The one that he neeeeeeds oh yes indee-ee-heed

Be the one that they want(Be the one they want) oh oh oh sweetheart

Be the one that they want(Be the one they want) oh oh oh sweetheart

Be the one that they want(Be the one they want) oh oh oh sweetheart

The one that he neeeeeeds oh yes indee-ee-heed

Be the one that they want(Be the one they want) oh oh oh sweetheart

Be the one that they want(Be the one they want) oh oh oh sweetheart

Be the one that they want(Be the one they want) oh oh oh sweetheart

The one that he neeeeeeds oh yes indee-ee-heed

Unless you’re hiding under a rock in some cave, anyone with any inkling of pop culture knowledge should know that the Hunger Games is about a an absurdly high stakes reality show competition for teenagers. In other words, a televised event in which teenagers are forced to fight each other to the death. Now in the first book, Katniss and Peeta are tributes from District 12 which has had more consecutive losing Hunger Games losing season than the Pittsburgh Pirates had in baseball. Seriously, after winning his Hunger Games, Haymitch Abernathy had to train a total of 46 kids in the arena who have ended up dead. Not to mention, District 12 is seen as the poorest district of Panem where most families are starving that most Peacekeepers turn a blind eye to poaching. And if that’s bad, you have tributes from the wealthier districts 1, 2, and 4 that are trained as ringers for the Hunger Games at a young age before many of them volunteer, mostly at 18. And they’re  usually favored to win since they usually ally until they’re at each other’s throats when they’re the only ones left. Of course, such training is illegal but tolerated by the Capitol. However, Katniss does have one advantage over them since she had to hunt critters on scarce resources for years.

Now I thought a good parody for the Careers to sing would be based off of the song “Pinball Wizard” from the Who rock opera Tommy. Now the original song is about a boy who’s deaf, dumb, and blind but sure plays a mean pinball. How this is possible? Don’t ask. I wasn’t even born yet to advise Pete Townsend and Roger Daltry. Yet, he doesn’t have a very nice life. In this Hunger Games version, I have the Career Pack singing about Katniss’s talent with a bow and arrow as well as her improbable aiming skills at archery. Not surprisingly, the Careers pay witness at the training center before the Games. And they’re surprised that a novice girl from a dirt poor district might have a chance of winning after all. This might not be in the book since Careers are quite arrogant. But it makes a good song parody. And let’s just say they’re playing a way more dangerous game than pinball.

“Archery Wizard”

Sung by the Career Pack

Marvel:

Ever since I was a young boy,

I’ve trained as a Career.

I’ve tried out every weapon

With mastery in spear.

But I ain’t seen nothing like her

At any training hall….

That poor girl from Twelve there

Sure is a mean archer!

Glimmer:

She stands like a statue,

And takes up steady aim.

Hitting all her targets

Always playing clean.

She once shot an apple

Through a pig roast’s mouth.

That poor girl from 12 there

Sure is a mean archer!

Cato:

She’s an archery wizard

She’s barely ever missed

This archery wizard’s got such a supple wrist.

District 4 Boy: ‘How do you think she does it?

District 4 Girl: I don’t know!

District 4 Boy: What makes her so good?’

Clove:

Ain’t got any training

She’s just from District 12.

But if I see her aiming

I’d better run like hell.

Said to be a poacher,

Might explain it all

That poor girl from 12 there

Sure is a mean archer.

Cato:

I thought I was the most likely to win

But against her, I’ve not much time to live

Though she’s only a novice

She can beat my best.

Hope her quiver arrows

Aren’t pointed toward my chest.

She’s got crazy nimble fingers

Never seen her fall….

That poor girl from 12 there,

Sure is a mean archer.