Of course, Katniss and Peeta wouldn’t be able to win the 74th Hunger Games without the guidance of their mentor and District 12 Hunger Games victor, Haymitch Abernathy. As a mentor and a victor, his job is to give them tips on how to survive the arena, arrange deals with sponsors to get them potentially life-saving items, and other things for which you’d generally prefer someone to be sober. Unfortunately, this isn’t one of Haymitch’s better skills though you couldn’t blame him for all that he’s been through. I mean he had to see some fellow tributes  die, lost his family and girlfriend because Snow didn’t like how he won, and sending 46 charges to the arena. Still, though initially seen as the town drunk of District 12 and not surprisingly reluctant to take on Katniss and Peeta,  he later becomes more willing when the two show that they might have a fighting chance. Nevertheless, he’s nowhere near as stupid or as useless as everyone assumes him to be. And he even comes to care for his charges in the process as a Team Dad.

Of course, a great parody  song for him would be a take off from “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Disney’s Mulan, sung by Captain Shang (who’s ironically voiced by Donny Osmond). In the original Captain Shang is trying to train his band of misfit soldiers into a capable fighting force within the length of a training montage. I’ve basically had the Hunger Games version of this almost the same way.  Except that Haymitch is trying to ensure that at least one of his charges survives the Hunger Games since it’s a teenage death match (see that this is from the first book). Now there’s a Hunger Games parody of the song on the Internet. But I’ve tried to do my own version which I think might be a little better.

 

“I’ll Make a Tribute Out of You”

Mostly sung by Haymitch Abernathy (unless noted otherwise)

 

Let’s get down to business

To defeat your peers

Think I’m too washed up as your own mentor?

You’re the saddest pair I ever met

But for once one might pull through

Children, I’ll make a tribute out of you

 

Boy tranquil as a forest

Girl on fire within

Once you have your sponsors

One is sure to win

You’re a spineless, pale, pathetic pair

And you haven’t got a clue

Somehow I’ll make a tribute out of you

 

(Boy from 9): I’m never gonna catch my breath

(Peeta): Say goodbye to those who knew me

(Foxface): Boy, was I a fool in school for cutting gym

(Haymitch): Careers’ got ’em scared to death

(Katniss): Hope he doesn’t see right through me

(Boy from 8): Now I really wish that I knew how to swim

 

(Be a tribute)

You must be swift as a coursing river

(Be a tribute)

With all the force to waylay your doom

(Be a tribute)

With all the strength of a raging fire

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon

 

Time is racing toward us till the Games begin

Heed my every order and you might sure live

You’re unsuited for the Capitol

Can’t pack up, go home you’re through

How could I make a tribute out of you?

 

(Be a tribute)

You must be swift as a coursing river

(Be a tribute)

With all the force to waylay your doom

(Be a tribute)

With all the strength of a raging fire

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon

 

(Haymitch and Tributes:)

(Be a tribute)

You must be swift as a coursing river

(Be a tribute)

With all the force to waylay your doom

(Be a tribute)

With all the strength of a raging fire

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon