A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “The Mutiny”

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The Baudelaires leave the arboretum with Ishmael on his sheep pulled sleigh. Reaching the coastal shelf, they find that the islanders have started the mutiny, let Count Olaf out of his cage, and basically devolved into fighting with each other. In short, it’s a clusterfucked shitstorm. Ishmael tries to calm tensions down but fails miserably because insisting followers to have a simpler life while you sneak around engaging in that forbidden stuff like an autocrat can only go so far. Then the secrets come out as islanders confess to secretly doing stuff behind Ishmael’s back in the atmosphere of a mob. Next, Count Olaf again stakes claim to his “Olaf-land” and tells everyone that Ishmael sits around with clay covered on his feet because he has an eye tattoo on his ankle, which isn’t really a big deal since many castaways have them. Next, he lets them all know that he has the only weapon that can threaten them like the Medusoid Mycelium helmet. But Ishmael accuses him for burning his house (which Olaf denies) and threatens to shoot him with the harpoon gun. The Baudelaires yell “No!” but Ishmael shoots anyway, as the harpoon hits the diving helmet and instantly infects everyone on the island.

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The song I decided to go with is “The Last Supper” from Jesus Christ Superstar in which Jesus shares a last meal with his disciples which later devolves into an argument between him and Judas whom he knows will betray him. In this version, I have the drama of the mutiny play out to Ishmael shooting Count Olaf with a harpoon gun and making the whole shit hit the fan.

 

“The Mutiny”

Islanders:
Look at all my trials and tribulations
Bursting from a seething pool of ire
Don’t disturb us now, we don’t need our weapons
Cause with our hands and teeth, we’re all fine
Let’s go and kick Ishmael off the island
Know that we could do it if we tried
Then when he is out, it’s to arboretum
So we’ll go find what objects that he hides

Ishmael:
Dear God…we take a few sips cordial and let’s talk like friends.

Fletcher:
For all you care, we do not want your booze.

Calypso:
For all you care, you’re a bad facilitator.

Friday:
C’mon, let us get on with it.

Miranda:
Let’s not get started just yet.

Ferdinand:
But what of the Baudelaires and that woman Kit Snicket?

Klaus:
I must be mad thinking this all will go smoothly.
Yes, I must be out of my head.

Violet:
Do we stay with Ishmael? Must we leave or mutiny?
Any course we could be dead.
Klaus:
We didn’t bring weapons.
It’s now Hotel Denouement.

Count Olaf:
Ha! I call this place Olaf-Land!

Someone called Monday warned me about Ishmael.
They let me out of my cage.
But Ish puts on his clay
To hide a tat on his ankle
An eye that’s like this one
So what do you all say?

Islanders:
Cut the dramatics!
We have eye tats, too.

Count Olaf:
I have a shroom helmet!

Ishmael:
I got this harpoon gun!
You burned my house down.

Count Olaf:
You know that I didn’t.

Ishmael:
I don’t care if you did it!
Now I will harpoon you.
Right where I’ll kill you.

Violet and Klaus:
Don’t do it! You’ll kill us!

Violet:
He’s got the shroom helmet!
If you just shoot him
You’ll release a deadly fungus
God, please don’t shoot him!

Klaus:
Don’t shoot, you fool! Don’t shoot him, please!
Save us your speeches,
Just put the gun down, now!

Islanders:
Look at all my trials and tribulations
Bursting from a seething pool of ire
Olaf’s probably right, the Baudelaires have left us
For with our hands and teeth, we’re all fine
Let’s go and kick Ishmael off the island
Know that we could do it if we tried
Then when he is out, it’s to arboretum
So we’ll go find what objects that he hides

Finn:
You mad, pathetic man, see where you’ve brought us to,
Our ideals die around us and all because of you.

Friday:
But the saddest cut of all:
We might have to side with him!

Fletcher:
You’re a common criminal, and a wounded animal.
A jaded mandarin,
A jaded mandarin,
Like a jaded, faded, faded, jaded, jaded mandarin.

Ishmael:
Olaf, you’re finished! You’re through!
I’ve got you. Oh, I’ll put that harpoon through!

Violet:
Every time I look at you I don’t understand
Why you let the things you did get so out of hand.
You’d have managed better if you hadn’t scammed…
No!….

Islanders:
Look at all my trials and tribulations
Bursting from a seething pool of ire
Don’t disturb us now, we don’t need our weapons
Cause with our hands and teeth, we’re all fine
Let’s go and kick Ishmael off the island
Know that we could do it if we tried
Then when he is out, it’s to arboretum
So we’ll go find what objects that he hides

Violet:
We must go back to the arboretum please,
Sunny, Klaus, now
Let’s find a cure for the shrooms, please
Sunny, Klaus, now

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A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Do You Hear the People Sing?”

Beach at Night with Moon and Stars - Ko Li Pe, Thailand

Unbeknownst to the Baudelaires, the islanders later decide to go ahead with the mutiny weapons or no weapons. After all they have hands and teeth which should be sufficient enough. I guess years wearing white robes, trading tents, bland food, and having washed up stuff seized by a bullying old man who covers his feet with clay have finally caught up to them. Yes, I’d be pissed as well. At any rate, Count Olaf seizes this opportunity by telling the islanders that the children have abandoned them (which isn’t true) and successfully convince them to let him out if his giant birdcage. I don’t know about you, but once you include Count Olaf in your movement, disaster will happen.

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The song I chose is “Do You Hear the People Sing?” in which Marius and his friends are getting pumped to prepare the barricades for the June Rebellion, which will result in Marius losing most of them. But he’ll get to live thanks to his girlfriend’s adoptive dad willing to take him off the area and through the sewers of Paris before the authorities had the chance to shoot him. In this version, I have the islanders band together to commit mutiny to oust Ishmael.

 

“Do You Hear the People Sing?” (ASOUE Version)

Finn:
Do you hear the people sing?
Singing a song of angry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not be slaves again!
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!

Ererwhon:
Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Forget the barricade
Let’s just start up this mutiny!

Fletcher:
Then join in the fight
That will give you the right to be free!

Islanders:
Do you hear the people sing?
Singing a song of angry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not be slaves again!
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!

Friday:
Will you give all you can give
So that our mutiny may advance?
Some will fall and some will live
Will you stand up and take your chance?
The blood of the martyrs
Will water the coasts on our land!

Islanders:
Do you hear the people sing?
Singing a song of angry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not be slaves again!
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Stay”

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As everything eventually washes ashore, Ishmael has been able to follow the Baudelaires’ story. However, he’s not so keen on Kit staying since she’s a troublemaking Snicket and that she’d eventually want to return to the real world. But he’s happy to let the Baudelaires stay and promises to keep them safe from all the bad things in the world since they’re not so sure. Except that some of the things he wants to keep the kids safe from involve stuff that they really enjoy. Not to mention, they’re not happy with Ishmael having them live boring lives while he’s enjoying the fruits of the arboretum and keeping secrets from them. In fact, they’d like to read some of the history written but Ishmael won’t let them. He then gives the children the Duchess of Winnipeg’s ring which their dad gave their mom after she gave it back to Lemony just to illustrate how their parents didn’t tell them about such things just to keep them safe. Though to be fair, there would’ve been a better reason why the Baudelaire parents wouldn’t share anything to do with keeping their kids safe.

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So I went with a doo wop standard called “Stay” by Maurice Williams and the Zodiacs which involves a romance of some sort. In this version, I just have Ishmael try to convince the Baudelaires to stay with them.

 

“Stay” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Ishmael

(Stay) Ah, just a little bit longer (Stay)
(Please) Please, please, please
Tell me you’re going to

Now your parents both died
And you’ve had a shit-filled life
But if you kids choose to stay
I’ll try to (Keep you safe)

Oh, won’t you stay
Just a little bit longer?
Though Kit Snicket
Will have to go (Have to go)

Your mom wore this R ring for two guys
If they wanted, they would’ve told you why

(Stay) Oh yeah, just a little bit longer (Stay)
(Please) Please, please, please
Tell me you’re going to

Come on, come on, come on, stay, yeah
Come on, come on, come on, stay, yeah
Come on, come on, come on, stay, whoops
Come on, come on, come on, stay, children, children

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Ishmael’s Tale”

maxresdefault1But before the Baudelaires can explore the notion of their parents’ time on the island, Ishmael shows up but they can’t tell whether the guy’s pissed off or smiling. Instead of answering their questions, he goes on a yarn talking about his time before he came to the island. He talks about having a funny looking girl in class while he was a schoolteacher with references to incidents similar in the Baudelaires’ on lives. He also remarks upon a fish themed restaurant as well as a ship bound to Peru. Nevertheless, it seems that the Baudelaire parents were once the island’s facilitators who had a hand at getting water filtration system as well as wanted a passageway from the place to Anwhistle Aquatics. But Ishmael staged a mutiny with his supporters and drove them off to the coastal shelf with their mom pregnant with Violet at the time. And since an unfortunate event is bound to happen in one’s life, the best solution is to stay as far away from the world as possible and lead a safe, simple life. That way, there won’t be any schisms again. Know that Ishmael’s talking like a cult leader at this point. Though he says people do leave.

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I chose Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Boxer” for this sequence though it talks about poverty and loneliness in New York City that’s mostly autobiographical and partially inspired by The Bible. In this version, Ishmael talks about his time before coming to the island and driving off the Baudelaire parents.

 

“Ishmael’s Tale”

Sung by Ishmael

I was just a teacher though my story’s seldom told
I have squandered my resistance for a pocketful of mumbles, such are promises
All lies and jest, still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest, hmmmm

One of my former students in class had scraggly hair and monobrow
A girl with only one ear
Living in a house owned by one who killed a man with cantaloupe
From the Lucky Smells Melon owned by brothers years ago
One was killed in town by accused kid hoboes

Lie la lie, lie la lie la lie la lie
Lie la lie, lie la lie la lie la lie, la la lie la lie

The girl wouldn’t drink the tea her keeper made for her
Of bitter wormwood
Got a come on at Bistro Smelt on 7th Avenue
Just a come-on from the whores on 7th Avenue
I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there

I was once on a ship rolling asea
That was called the Pericles
On its long voyage to south Peru
Before I was later washed up on this island shore
After the split
I just wanted to find a place to live
Where treachery will never persist
As the leader, I vowed to make life simple and strict

Lie la lie, lie la lie la lie la lie
Lie la lie, lie la lie la lie la lie, la la lie la lie

Your folks were once facilitators of this very island long ago
For a time
When they got water filtration and wanted a passageway, to marine
Facility

So to keep the island safe and cut off we staged a mutiny
When your mom was knocked up with Violet
We drove them off to the coastal shelf
So while we may endure substantial pain
To avoid it, lead a simple life and just stay far away

Lie la lie, lie la lie la lie la lie
Lie la lie, lie la lie la lie la lie, la la lie la lie

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “In the Arboretum”

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However, Finn and Erewhon had no idea that they sent the Baudelaires on an errand similar to sending a kid to the candy store with a request to buy the worst candy that’s hardest to find. For the arboretum contains all the stuff that washed ashore that Ishmael had hauled away which include junk, books, and even foodstuffs. As Snicket describes it, “Stretched out as far as the eye could see were pile of objects, heaps of items, towers of evidence, bales of materials, clusters of details, stacks of substances, hordes of pieces, arrays of articles, constellations of details, galaxies of stuff, and universes of things – an accumulation, an aggregation, a compilation, a concentration, a crowd, a herd, a flock, and a register of seemingly everything on Earth.” There’s so much Violet can use to invent, plenty for Klaus to read, and a lot for Sunny to cook. But before they get too distracted, they try to locate some weapons (though I don’t see why Violet could just make some). Then Inky heads of to search for something, leading the children to discover Ishmael’s footprints and the fact he’s been sneaking inside the arboretum on a regular basis. He even uses a periscope to predict the weather. Yet, what truly astonishes them is what they find in the Captain’s Log, which not just includes Ishmael’s entries, but also those by, wait for it…their parents.

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Naturally, I went with Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire” in which Joel recounts the events over the first 50 years of his life or at least prior to the release of Stormfront. In this version the Baudelaires recount all the stuff they found in the arboretum which corresponds to their respective hobbies (well, Violet and Klaus’s anyway).

 

“In the Arboretum”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Lone propeller, roller skates, sledge hammer, window pane
Bunsen burner, safety razor, handheld radio
Welding torches, air condition, water filter, television
Sewing needles, ferret feeders, mini stereo

Klaus:
Thesaurus, Voltaire, Moby Dick, Baudelaire
Mark Twain, Coraline, and the Catcher in the Rye
Vonnegut, Racine, lyrics by Bruce Springsteen
Magic Mountain, Harry Potter, Santayana, Oh my

Both:
In the arboretum
Ismael always sneaks in
Whenever no one sees him
In the arboretum
How he loves to hide it
While we try to find it

Violet:
Power engine, steering wheel, chainsaw, movie reel
Solar panels, Citronellas, and some concrete blocks
Flotsam, mobile phone, coffee maker, Dacron
Gear box car parts, and grandfather clock
Corkscrew, high beams, got some cans of gasoline
Velvet painting, soda cans, Rolex wristwatch, grabber hands
Stove top, microwave, lighter fluid, black lights
Ankle brace, tatted lace, and a pair of knee highs

Both:
In the arboretum
Ishmael always sneaks in
Whenever no one sees him
In the arboretum
How he loves to hide it
While we try to find it

Klaus:
Bradbury, Pasternak, Victor Hugo, Kerouac
Steinbeck, Private Lives, Bridge on the River Kwai
In Cold Blood, Wildfell Hall, Maltese Falcon, Carroll
Scarlet Letter, Bill of Rights, Carrie, and E. B. White…

Godfather, Ben-Hur, Hunger Games, Mockingbird
Dan Handler, Puzo, Twilight Saga, oh, no
Eco, Tennessee, Fitzgerald, Capote
Henry Addams, Thoreau, Stephen King’s Cujo

Both:
In the arboretum
Ishmael always sneaks in
Whenever no one sees him
In the arboretum
How he loves to hide it
While we try to find it

Klaus:
Hemingway, Hamlet, Stranger in a Strange Land
Dylan, Webster’s, Orwell, Stevenson
Lawrence of Arabia, set of Encyclopedias
Whitman, Blackmore, Bibles, James Patterson

London, Malcolm X, Beauvoir’s Second Sex
Agnes Grey, The Brontes, what else do I have to say?

Both:
In the arboretum
Ishmael always sneaks in
Whenever no one sees him
In the arboretum
How he loves to hide it
While we try to find it

Violet:
Plane controls, Sunny’s whisk, cocktail mixer, airplane wing
Black box, car parts, water can, flintlocks
Small tins, engines, wirelines, a can filled with shoe shine
Staplers, pencils and tin cans, cutlery and ceiling fans
Bedframe springboards, Christmas lights, generators, 409
Pinking shears, machine gears, nails, tacks, typewriters
Cameras, cell phones, tiled floors, Klaus’s commonplace book
Worn out couches, driftwood doors, oh my god, there’s so much more

Both:
In the arboretum
Ishmael always sneaks in
Whenever no one sees him
In the arboretum
There is stuff galore
While there’s still more, and more, and more,
And more, and more, and more, and more…

In the arboretum
Ishmael always sneaks in
Whenever no one sees him
In the arboretum
How he loves to hide it
While we try to find it

In the arboretum
Ishmael always sneaks in
Whenever no one sees him
In the arboretum
How he loves to hide it
While we try to find it

In the arboretum
Ishmael always sneaks in
Whenever no one sees him
In the arboretum
How he loves to hide it
While we try to find it

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “After Midnight”

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Though the Baudelaires reluctantly agree on promise to put Kit Snicket in a safer location, they do it because they want everything okay for them and her. Kit isn’t happy about the idea of them getting weapons from the arboretum. But she has no idea what the hell is going on the island or what the children had to put up with at this point. For God’s sake, they aided Count Olaf escape and set fire to a 9 story hotel full of people. Getting weapons from the arboretum is nothing compared to that. But I’m sure Finn and Erewhon are delighted.

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So the song I went with for their jubilation is J.J. Cale’s “After Midnight” which is most famously covered by Eric Clapton. In the original version, it’s in anticipation of sex or a party, which often came on the radio during my high school years after a football game I went to for marching band. In this version, I have Finn and Erewhon excitedly tell the mutinous islanders that the Baudelaires agreed to get weapons for them in the arboretum.

 

“After Midnight” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Finn and Erewhon

Finn:
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down
After midnight
We gonna chugalug and shout
Gonna stimulate some action
We gonna get some satisfaction
Ish gonna find out what it is all about

Erewhon:
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down
After midnight
Knew Baudelaires would all agree
After midnight
We’re gonna stage a grand mutiny
Gonna cause talk and suspicion
We gonna give an exhibition
Ish gonna find out what it is all about
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down

Yea yeah yea
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down

Finn:
After midnight
Baudelaires’ll get our arms for free
After midnight
They’re gonna be at the aborete
Gonna cause talk and suspicion
We gonna give an exhibition
Ish gonna find out what it is all about

Both:
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Help Us, Children”

Tropical island by night

Later that night, two figures emerge from a distance consisting of a young girl named Finn and an old woman named Erewhon who bring the Baudelaires food and ask them not to tell Ishmael. Because they already keep so many secrets from one another like teaching each other how to do things without their Dear Leader having any idea. Guess they don’t mind him sitting all day in a tent with his feet covered in clay. But why do these two want the kids to keep mum this time? Because they’re planning a mutiny seeing Ishamel as the root of their troubles that they’ve put up with for far too long. So they’re devising to put him and his supporters on the outrigger on Decision Day. And they let the children know since Ishmael had them abandoned. But since they’ve only been on the island for a few days, they’re not sure what side they should be on. So Finn and Erewhon decide to bargain with the Baudelaires by promising that they’ll get Kit somewhere safe while the kids fetch weapons from the arboretum. The children agree despite Kit’s protests.

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For Erewhon and Finn, I decided to go with a surf song such as the Beach Boys’ “Help Me, Rhonda” in which a guy asks a girl to be with him so he can get over his ex who cheated on him. Though it’s an upbeat 1960s surf melody since you can’t really have sad surf songs. In this version, I have Erewhon and Finn try to convince the Baudelaires to help them stage a mutiny.

 

“Help Us, Children”

Sung by Finn and Erewhon

Finn:
We brought you some food so promise not to tell Ishmael
We keep many secrets from him, but now we’d like to give him hell

Well, Ishmael he’s such a turd (such a turd)
So swear you won’t leak out any word
So you please help us children
Help us commit our own mutiny

Help us children
Help, help us children
Help me children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children yeah
Aid us in our mutiny

Erewhon:
Ishmael’s the root of our strife
We want him off the island
Can you please help us get some weapons?
And go help with our plans

We’ll get Kit to someplace safe (someplace safe)
Do Ishmael will be out on Decision Day
So you please help us children
Help us commit our own mutiny

Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children yeah
Aid us in our mutiny

Both:
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help me children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children yeah
Aid us in our mutiny