A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “At the Coastal Shelf”


When the Baudelaires are out scavenging on the island for useful junk Ishmael would approve of, they find a giant raft of books with an unconscious and very pregnant Kit Snicket on top. However, Count Olaf emerges from behind in a ridiculous Kit Snicket disguise. And guess what he has for a pregnant belly. Yep, the Medusoid Mycelium diving helmet which he intends to deploy as a biological weapon to kill everyone within an hour. Yet, before the children could act, the islanders show up to check up on the junk. However, unlike in the previous book where the adults fall for Olaf’s disguise and hang by his every word hook, line, and sinker, the colonists aren’t falling for it no matter how hard he tries to convince them. Then Olaf throws a wrench saying that the massive pile of books is a library which Ishmael believes is nothing but trouble. So they try pushing the pile of books on the beach until Klaus and the resident vet tell them that it may not be the safest course of action. And since the islanders can’t think for themselves, they’ll need to get their Dear Leader Ishmael. So they decide to get him to the coast by his sheep pulled sleigh. In the meantime, as they fetch the guy, the islanders leave Friday in charge of guarding him. Like you’d trust a grade school kid with guarding a psychopath.

Baja 200201021457 3120 MalarrimoBeach Junk

The song for this scene I ripped off of was Evita’s “Peron’s Latest Flame” in which the Army and the Argentine upper crust express their disapproval of Colonel Juan Peron’s new actress girlfriend Eva Duarte. Even more so since he’s publicly admitted political ambitions to the presidency. But Eva doesn’t care. In this version, I have the Baudelaires and the castaways find Kit Snicket and Count Olaf in his flimsy disguise as her.


“At the Coastal Shelf”

Violet: At the coastal shelf after the second storm
I detect a strong interest for
Klaus: Precisely
Violet: A large raft of books
Klaus: I’m glad you noticed

Violet: The books on shore look rather poor
Klaus: I see a foot
Violet: With a V.F.D. eye ankle tattoo
And a large pregnant bulge
Klaus: And it’s Kit Snicket

God, is that Count Oaf dressed as Kit Snicket?
A brand-new look he’s had plenty of time to perfect
But it’s shoddier than any old disguises
He’s clearly got a new hewn plan, I suspect

Klaus: I think I know what he’s got in store
A helmet full of deadly spores
Violet: Exactly
Klaus: Olaf’s latest plan
Violet: You said it brother

Looks like all of the colonists
Approaching the latest mess
The whole thing’s insane

That isn’t funny

Olaf’s a tool, thinks we can be fooled
Disguised as a pregnant girl with stubble
This isn’t working, oh good God
We guess Friday’s right about this Olaf guy
He’s no welcomed guest since he’s quite unkind
Someone show him to the shore

The evidence suggests
He’s got evil interests
We can all see through him
He’s exceptionally dim
Cock! Dangerous man

Count Olaf:
There’s a massive bookstack onshore
It’s a large library I’m so sure
Thought that you’d folks like to know
Would like to see how this thing goes

Ish has always said, libraries just lead to troubled hell
Can’t decide anything for ourselves, we need our Ishmael
But if he were here, we’d know what facilitator would sure beseech
He’d tell us libraries are trouble, implore we push the bookstack on the beach

You’re not taking the safest course of action here

Dr. Kurtz:
There’s a pregnant woman on top of the stack there

Must get Ishmael to the shelf
Pull him here with the sheep and the sleigh
Please guard him for awhile when we go off, Friday

Do you think this will go well?

Ish will sort this all out soon

Count Olaf:
I still possess the gun harpoon
So you should all just play along
Else something will go quite wrong

No! Dangerous man

Count Olaf:
It’s just really hard surviving on the island

You can stay if you can get along, Count Olaf

What the fuck did you just say, Friday?

Give him an inch, he’ll give hell to pay

Count Olaf:
Here, Baudelaires, take the harpoon gun

Sorry, but we’re not falling for that one

We must wait for the colonists
Please, Baudelaires, can you please tell me, what these books are

You’ve never seen one

Professor Fletcher taught all the kids to read and write
But he teaches us all out of old Ishmael’s sight
I practice from time to time

Hope I can keep some of the books

Ish won’t force you if he could

He’ll think I’m all full of crap

Can try some peer pressure back

Well, take a load of this

Is it who we think it is?

Great seeing you, old snake

It’s been long since Lousy Lane

It was one of the Uncle Monty’s snakes
It’s quite harmless despite its name

Count Olaf:
This world is such a damn wicked place

While old Ishmael’s coming with a big cage

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