Mistakes Were Made with Newspaper Corrections

wsj-correction-notice-nov-6-2013

Last Tuesday, over 60 million Americans would make one of the biggest mistakes in American history as well as in their lives. For the record, I did the right thing by voting for Hillary Clinton as well as more Americans who voted since she won the popular vote. But that doesn’t matter because President-elect Pussygrabber won the Electoral College due to those critical states having a bunch of racists willing to overlook how morally degenerate he is. Which means I’m totally not looking forward to Thanksgiving and not sure who the hell many people in my area are anymore. Of course, this kind of mistake can’t be easily remedied and we’ll probably have to live with it for 4 years. Yet, this article doesn’t pertain to such errors which can be remedied. And nothing shows this more than the newspaper corrections section. Because newspapers are run by human beings. And sometimes even newspapers can make errors in their reporting. So if readers notice something wrong in the articles, they can call the newspaper who will correct that mistake the next day. These corrections are listed in a special section. If it’s online, they’re listed in the articles themselves. Now corrections are a fact of life in newspapers and they’re usually a blurbs that usually say nothing noteworthy. Yet, reading some of these corrections will make you wonder what the hell did these reporters do wrong since they sound straight out of an SNL sketch. So this is where I come in.

  1. Dead woman not returning a reporter’s call? How rude!
Yeah, asking a woman for comment in April is kind of stupid if she died last December. Of course, she wouldn't be able to comment.

Yeah, asking a woman for comment in April is kind of stupid if she died last December. Of course, she wouldn’t be able to comment. Dead people tell no tales.

2. Sometimes omitting one letter makes all the difference.

You have to feel for Pastor Dick Bigelow here who was incorrectly identified as Dick Bigblow. You know the kind of name that reminds you of a male porn star.

You have to feel for Pastor Dick Bigelow here who was incorrectly identified as Dick Bigblow. You know the kind of name that reminds you of a male porn star.

3. Apparently, there are Marvel fans who can distinguish between Ant Man and the Atom.

Not only do they get the identities wrong, they also alleged that The Atom can talk to ants (which is one of Ant Man's talents). Yeah, this is kind of embarrassing.

Not only do they get the identities wrong, they also alleged that The Atom can talk to ants (which is one of Ant Man’s talents). Yeah, this is kind of embarrassing.

4. To be fair, you can’t always establish a gender with an Asian name.

To be fair, I had to read journal articles in Asian history while I was in college. Even I couldn't distinguish the author's gender. So I can totally see where this paper is coming from.

To be fair, I had to read journal articles in Asian history while I was in college. Even I couldn’t distinguish the author’s gender. So I can totally see where this paper is coming from.

5. Apparently, this publication doesn’t know the difference between the acting profession and the oldest profession.

For God's sake, it's circus acts, not sex acts. Man, I guess the actress they quoted must be very pissed off by now.

For God’s sake, it’s circus acts, not sex acts. Man, I guess the actress they quoted must be very pissed off by now.

6. When it comes to herpetology, comedians seem to know more than the newspapers.

It's even funnier that John Cleese had to point that out that pythons aren't poisonous snakes. Yes, this is a silly mistake.

It’s even funnier that John Cleese had to point that out that pythons aren’t poisonous snakes. Yes, this is a silly mistake.

7. So it’s 5 beers, not 5 years.

For some reason, 5 beers to get on the dance floor seems to make more sense. And the reasons seem obvious.

For some reason, 5 beers to get on the dance floor seems to make more sense. And the reasons seem obvious.

8. Before you put someone on a female author list, make sure they’re actually a woman.

Then again, most people think Evelyn is a girl's name anyway. But Evelyn Waugh was a dude despite the girly name.

Then again, most people think Evelyn is a girl’s name anyway. But Evelyn Waugh was a dude despite the girly name.

9. Unfortunately, this publication didn’t think the Pope was Catholic.

Yes, it should've been "non-Italian," instead of "non-Catholic." Because the Pope is head of the Catholic Church, duh.

Yes, it should’ve been “non-Italian,” instead of “non-Catholic.” Because the Pope is head of the Catholic Church, duh.

10. In Britain, it’s important to distinguish between “team” and “tea.”

Because one can lead to worse connotations than the other. Of course, someone won't be happy about this.

Because one can lead to worse connotations than the other. Of course, someone won’t be happy about this.

11. Sorry, but this guy’s interpretation of Revelation was quite different.

Interestingly, many people do believe that Obama was the Anti-Christ. And a lot of them voted for Trump who seems like a more suitable candidate in my opinion.

Interestingly, many people do believe that Obama was the Anti-Christ. And a lot of them voted for Trump who seems like a more suitable candidate in my opinion.

12. So there weren’t 30,000 pigs floating down the river?

This correction states that 30 pigs floated down a river which is a lot. But not like 30,000 that could bring down Pigaggeddon.

This correction states that 30 pigs floated down a river which is a lot. But not like 30,000 that could bring down Pigaggeddon.

13. Uh, this author wants to tell everyone that she’s not married to her dog.

She goes on to say that her dog is married to someone else like another dog. Sure it's not bestiality but it's nonetheless strange.

She goes on to say that her dog is married to someone else like another dog. Sure it’s not bestiality but it’s nonetheless strange.

14. I don’t know about you but this mistake should’ve been corrected much earlier.

I'm sure that everyone knew that this kid was a boy by this point. Seriously, there's even a picture of him.

I’m sure that everyone knew that this kid was a boy by this point. Seriously, there’s even a picture of him.

15. Sorry about this publication getting its goat war sources wrong.

What makes me scratch my head more when reading this isn't the corrections. It's why this newspaper had a goat war article in the first place. Because that seems more or less inspired by an acid trip to me.

What makes me scratch my head more when reading this isn’t the corrections. It’s why this newspaper had a goat war article in the first place. Because that seems more or less inspired by an acid trip to me.

16. We’d like to apologize for a hyphen in our print edition.

It later goes on to talk about an Italian villa that has 17 stone dwarf statues. And they're not sure how much they weigh.

It later goes on to talk about an Italian villa that has 17 stone dwarf statues. And they’re not sure how much they weigh.

17. Apparently, Nintendo fans weren’t having it with Mario and Luigi being listed as janitors.

Nowadays, naming Mario and Luigi as janitors instead of plumbers would be unthinkable. But this article is from the 1980s.

Nowadays, naming Mario and Luigi as janitors instead of plumbers would be unthinkable. But this article is from the 1980s.

18. Our apologies to an artist’s girlfriend whom we labeled as a whore.

Calling someone a whore isn't a big deal in everyday conversation. Well, at least not as a big deal as a newspaper calling this. Man, this paper really doesn't want to get sued.

Calling someone a whore isn’t a big deal in everyday conversation. Well, at least not as a big deal as a newspaper calling this. Man, this paper really doesn’t want to get sued.

19. You know that abortion we reported earlier? Well, that never happened.

As a Catholic, I don't find the topic of abortion amusing at all. Yet, in this case, it's kind of amusing how a story like this probably caused a tidal waver of scandal for nothing.

As a Catholic, I don’t find the topic of abortion amusing at all. In fact, quite the opposite. Yet, in this case, it’s kind of funny how a story like this probably caused a tidal waver of scandal for nothing.

20. Okay, we kind of screwed things up on a bunch of articles so let’s give a brief summary.

At least the Daily Mail has the courtesy to apologize for stuff they make up. Unlike Fox News who tend to get the facts wrong all the time.

At least the Daily Mail has the courtesy to apologize for stuff they make up. Unlike Fox News who tend to get the facts wrong all the time.

21. When a newspaper has several paragraphs on an article they screwed up on, you know it’s bad.

I guess with having to correct an entire story like this, the reporter who wrote the original story is probably out of a job. Man, wonder how much credibility this paper has lost.

I guess with having to correct an entire story like this, the reporter who wrote the original story is probably out of a job. Man, wonder how much credibility this paper has lost.

22. Unfortunately, biblical literacy isn’t a big deal in British newspapers.

However, mistaking that it was Moses who built Noah's Ark is pretty unacceptable. Mostly because everyone knows that story about Noah's Ark while Moses doesn't appear until Exodus.

However, mistaking that it was Moses who built Noah’s Ark is pretty unacceptable. Mostly because everyone knows that story about Noah’s Ark while Moses doesn’t appear until Exodus.

23. Remember that carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide are two different gases with one being a deadly poison.

Yes, I'm sure carbon monoxide doesn't cure hiccups. Because I know it kills people.

Yes, I’m sure carbon monoxide doesn’t cure hiccups. Because I know it kills people.

24. Dear readers, please don’t make toast like Jamie Oliver does.

Besides, if you want to make toast with cheese on it, I'd recommend a toaster oven. Because this method described is very dangerous.

Besides, if you want to make toast with cheese on it, I’d recommend a toaster oven. Because this method described is very dangerous.

25. If a publication should do an article about Star Wars, make sure they watched the movies.

Love how they end that correction. But still, most people know that Luke didn't meat Obi Wan Kenobi at the Cantina. It was when Luke and the droids were besieged by Tuscan Raiders.

Love how they end that correction. But still, most people know that Luke didn’t meat Obi Wan Kenobi at the Cantina. It was when Luke and the droids were besieged by Tuscan Raiders.

26. We now believe the guy in the band was Fred Durst, not Robert Durst as previously thought.

I can totally see where this paper is coming from. And yes, the Associated Press can make mistakes, too.

I can totally see where this paper is coming from. And yes, the Associated Press can make mistakes, too.

27. Our apologies to a woman we once reported was fined for prostitution.

Actually her real crime was failure to stop at a railroad crossing, not prostitution. Guess this woman wasn't happy about that.

Actually her real crime was failure to stop at a railroad crossing, not prostitution. Guess this woman wasn’t happy about that.

28. Okay, this paper really screwed up on covering the 2016 presidential race.

You have to wonder who this paper sent to cover the race. And yes, saying that Marco Rubio is a Florida congressman instead of a Senator is the most noticeable here.

You have to wonder who this paper sent to cover the race. And yes, saying that Marco Rubio is a Florida congressman instead of a Senator is the most noticeable here.

29. Our apologies to Mrs. Letterman as reports of her passing were greatly exaggerated.

I think if David Letterman said his mother was dead, we would've known by now. But this paper got this wrong.

I think if David Letterman said his mother was dead, we would’ve known by now. But this paper got this wrong.

30. We admit that Central Asian geography isn’t our strong suit.

I'm sure plenty of people thought that Kyrzbekistan was a real country, too. Thanks for the info.

I’m sure plenty of people thought that Kyrzbekistan was a real country, too. Thanks for the clearing that out.

31. Sometimes punctuation can change the meaning.

Yeah, "Love Trump's Hate" sounds different from "love trumps hate." The apostrophe is unnecessary.

Yeah, “Love Trump’s Hate” sounds different from “love trumps hate.” The apostrophe is unnecessary.

32. Dear readers, all I know about Canada revolves around its hockey teams so don’t blame me for screwing up.

I think this reporter didn't really do much research on his or her article. So I think blaming the Edmonton Oilers and the NHL is far fetched.

I think this reporter didn’t really do much research on his or her article. So I think blaming the Edmonton Oilers and the NHL is far fetched.

33. Well, our original reading was correct if you used a different scale.

Yeah, Fahrenheit and Celsius have different temperature scales. Still, I usually opt for the former.

Yeah, Fahrenheit and Celsius have different temperature scales. Still, I usually opt for the former.

34. Sorry, David Brooks, but Moses didn’t part the Dead Sea. It was the Red Sea.

And yet, another biblical mistake. But this one comes from the New York Times.

And yet, another biblical mistake. But this one comes from the New York Times.

35. Turns out that was a Winchester 1873 gun not a Winchester 1773.

Like the note of the decrepit cowboy. Still, a 1773 gun wouldn't make much sense since you can't fire it once without reloading.

Like the note of the decrepit cowboy. Still, a 1773 gun wouldn’t make much sense since you can’t fire it once without reloading.

36. We regret to identify the woman in this photo as a porn star.

I guess US magazine would've been subject to a lawsuit if it didn't. Still, that's pretty bad.

I guess US magazine would’ve been subject to a lawsuit if it didn’t. Still, that’s pretty bad.

37. Dear Readers, we have of jumble answers all jumbled up.

Let's hope the Arizona Republic gets their puzzle section straightened out. Yeah, it all seems jumbled here.

Let’s hope the Arizona Republic gets their puzzle section straightened out. Yeah, it all seems jumbled here.

38. We apologize for that report about cows falling from planes which is just plain urban legend.

Still, while we can be relieved there aren't any cows falling from the sky, it's kind of disappointing. Seriously, you sometimes wish stories like this could be true just not in your own back yard.

Still, while we can be relieved there aren’t any cows falling from the sky, it’s kind of disappointing. Seriously, you sometimes wish stories like this could be true just not in your own back yard.

39. The people at Business Insurance would like to apologize for flunking in geography.

It's even worse they thought these cities were in places that just seem so wrong. Seriously, why the hell would anyone think that Cardiff is in Vietnam?

It’s even worse they thought these cities were in places that just seem so wrong. Seriously, why the hell would anyone think that Cardiff is in Vietnam?

40. We’re afraid those were khaki pants, not tacky pants.

Kind of sad the guy didn't wear tacky pants. Would've made him a more interesting guy in my opinion.

Kind of sad the guy didn’t wear tacky pants. Would’ve made him a more interesting guy in my opinion.

41. We regret that all these things about Jimmy Holmes from the Miami Dolphins weren’t actually true.

Still, the fake story by the Miami Herald makes him seem like a far more interesting guy. Not sure if it helps or hurts him.

Still, the fake story by the Miami Herald makes him seem like a far more interesting guy. Not sure if it helps or hurts him.

42. I’m afraid there’s no such job who squeezes toothpaste for the Prince of Wales.

Well, at least Prince Charles can squeeze his own toothpaste tube when he brushes his teeth. But it's still pretty funny.

Well, at least Prince Charles can squeeze his own toothpaste tube when he brushes his teeth. But it’s still pretty funny.

43. Seems like the Trenton Times can’t tell the difference between a lab and a men’s bathroom.

Now how can anyone make a mistake like this is hard to explain. Seriously, a laboratory and a lavatory may sound similar but they're completely different things.

Now how can anyone make a mistake like this is hard to explain. Seriously, a laboratory and a lavatory may sound similar but they’re completely different things.

44. Relax, Americans, rapper Public Enemy wasn’t mocking 9/11 but 911.

Guess the original article led to considerable public outcry. Because saying 9/11 as a joke could do that.

Guess the original article led to considerable public outcry. Because saying 9/11 as a joke could do that.

45. Apparently, sports reporters don’t seem to know much about Middle Earth and the Lord of the Rings.

What makes me scratch my head is how many Tolkein fans care about baseball to notice. Yes, guaranteed to piss off a nerd.

What makes me scratch my head is how many Tolkein fans care about baseball to notice. Yes, guaranteed to piss off a nerd.

46. We apologize to any aliens for linking them to Scientology.

Well, aliens could be living among us. And many of them could be offended by being linked to Scientology. You never know.

Well, aliens could be living among us. And many of them could be offended by being linked to Scientology. You never know.

47. We regret that we mistook a public official for an interior designer.

Man, you have to feel for this guy. I'm afraid being a public official in the State Department doesn't have decorating rooms in its job description.

Man, you have to feel for this guy. I’m afraid being a public official in the State Department doesn’t have decorating rooms in its job description.

48. We’re sorry that our newspaper was misspelled on the front page.

So how the hell does this even happen? Seriously, it appears on the headlines every damn day!

So how the hell does this even happen? Seriously, it appears on the headlines every damn day!

49. Apparently, political correctness has been known to confuse some people.

Even worse is that Massachusetts is misspelled here. But yeah, "back in the black" is a figure of speech and doesn't refer to African Americans.

Even worse is that Massachusetts is misspelled here. But yeah, “back in the black” is a figure of speech and doesn’t refer to African Americans.

50. As we see here, sometimes a typo can make a world of difference.

Yet, the typo described in this one is very unfortunate that it's almost Anti-Semitic. However, this term wouldn't be erroneous on Breitbart.

Yet, the typo described in this one is very unfortunate that it’s almost Anti-Semitic. However, this term wouldn’t be erroneous on Breitbart.

51. Some newspaper errors can be easier to explain than others.

You have to scratch your head and wonder how the hell did anyone think Buffy the Vampire Slayer headed a European Commission. It defies all possible imagination.

You have to scratch your head and wonder how the hell did anyone think Buffy the Vampire Slayer headed a European Commission. It defies all possible imagination.

52. When it comes to translations, make sure the reporter knows the language.

Clearly, someone really messed up on their Spanish here. Because that translation was totally wrong.

Clearly, someone really messed up on their Spanish here. Because that translation was totally wrong.

53. So that bit about the drag queen appearing at a church with a dildo didn’t happen right?

That's pretty embarrassing. Also, funny how the drag queen performer in question doesn't even use a dildo.

That’s pretty embarrassing. Also, funny how the drag queen performer in question doesn’t even use a dildo.

54. When writing out recipes, be sure to be specific on the ingredients.

Those think the salsa seemed a bit grainy lately now have an explanation. Yeah, cement shouldn't be used in any recipe.

Those think the salsa seemed a bit grainy lately now have an explanation. Yeah, cement shouldn’t be used in any recipe.

55. Sometimes the wording can give a complete different meaning than intended.

Well, they could've said all that in the original statement. Because it seems like he did something for women other than shopping.

Well, they could’ve said all that in the original statement. Because it seems like he did something for women other than shopping.

56. Apparently, the second hand stores and charities weren’t pleased.

Well, what do you expect when an article includes "old urine smell?" People are going to be mad about that.

Well, what do you expect when an article includes “old urine smell?” People are going to be mad about that.

57. We inform you that the Daily Planet supplement was an advertisement for the new Superman movie.

So this newspaper convinced people that there were actual Superman sightings. Makes me wonder how some people could believe stuff like that.

So this newspaper convinced people that there were actual Superman sightings. Makes me wonder how some people could believe stuff like that.

58. No, Ellen DeGeneres didn’t take a photo with that Bradley.

I wonder how someone could make a mistake like this since everyone should know who Bradley Cooper is by 2014. Not so much in the Guardian.

I wonder how someone could make a mistake like this since everyone should know who Bradley Cooper is by 2014. Not so much in the Guardian.

59. You know the guy who won the lottery? Well, he didn’t and he’s not that guy.

You have to wonder how newspapers could contain stories that are so wildly inaccurate. It's pretty amazing if you think about it.

You have to wonder how newspapers could contain stories that are so wildly inaccurate. It’s pretty amazing if you think about it.

60. Sorry, but his band mate was on drums, not drugs. We regret the error.

Wonder what kind of reputation this guy got who was said to be on drugs. That must be embarrassing.

Wonder what kind of reputation this guy got who was said to be on drugs. That must be embarrassing.

61. So how does the correct My Little Pony identification have anything to do with relationships on the autism spectrum?

Apparently, a My Little Pony fan got upset enough to complain about it. Why? I have no idea.

Apparently, a My Little Pony fan got upset enough to complain about it. Why? I have no idea.

62. It’s important for police to know the difference between babies and jumbo size Mexican food.

You have to wonder how someone could be this dumb to report a baby in a trash can that was really a burrito. It's just seems really crazy to me.

You have to wonder how someone could be this dumb to report a baby in a trash can that was really a burrito. It’s just seems really crazy to me.

63. We should inform you that Grandma’s Toy Box is a toy store not a male escort service.

Love how they said, "Sorry for any disappointment." Never underestimate how typos can really screw things up.

Love how they said, “Sorry for any disappointment.” Never underestimate how typos can really screw things up.

64. Those who misidentify Star Trek aliens would live to regret it.

Now misidentifying a Romulan as a Vulcan makes sense since they look very similar. But a Romulan as a Klingon, what the hell?

Now misidentifying a Romulan as a Vulcan makes sense since they look very similar. But a Romulan as a Klingon, what the hell?

65. We’re sorry that we mistook a homicide for stolen groceries.

How a newspaper can screw up so bad like this, I have no idea. Mistaking a homicide for stolen groceries seems more believable since the former is more serious.

How a newspaper can screw up so bad like this, I have no idea. Mistaking a homicide for stolen groceries seems more believable since the former is more serious.

66. Sorry about using a pigsty as a photo for a black neighborhood.

Guess Nova Scotia's black residents won't be happy about this. And you thought racism was an American thing.

Guess Nova Scotia’s black residents won’t be happy about this. And you thought racism was an American thing.

67. We’re afraid the NYPD steroid investigations were greatly exaggerated.

Who knew that steroid problems were just confined to sports. So 9 NYPD officers are under suspicion for this.

Who knew that steroid problems were just confined to sports. So 9 NYPD officers are under suspicion for this,

68. Seems like they forgot to add a few more zeroes when it came to the oil barrels.

Yeah, less than 250,000 barrels a day seems more like it than less than 250 a day. No wonder Libya is so messed up.

Yeah, less than 250,000 barrels a day seems more like it than less than 250 a day. No wonder Libya is so messed up.

69. Apparently, our reporters don’t understand basic astronomy.

I mean everyone should know that the Earth revolves around the sun and the moon revolves around the Earth. That should be common knowledge to everyone.

I mean everyone should know that the Earth revolves around the sun and the moon revolves around the Earth. That should be common knowledge to everyone.

70. Unfortunately, we weren’t very specific with our surveys that we resulted in some Islamophobia.

So this publication basically said that 1 in 5 British Muslims sympathizing with ISIS in a previous article. Now that's very offensive on multiple levels. Talk about perpetuating hate.

So this publication basically said that 1 in 5 British Muslims sympathizing with ISIS in a previous article. Now that’s very offensive on multiple levels. Talk about perpetuating hate.

71. Seems like the LA Times thinks Green Bay, Wisconsin is a seaside town.

It's "De Pere" not "the pier." Then again, French is a confusing language.

It’s “De Pere” not “the pier.” Then again, French is a confusing language.

72. Sometimes people can confuse between Shaquille O’Neal and Aristotle.

Why such mistakes are made, I have no idea. But let's just say, Aristotle would have no idea about basketball since he's from Ancient Greece.

Why such mistakes are made, I have no idea. But let’s just say, Aristotle would have no idea about basketball since he’s from Ancient Greece.

73. No, Rowan Atkinson was not the Archbishop of Canterbury at the time. That’s a different Rowan.

To be fair, Rowan Atkinson was Archbishop of Canterbury on an episode of Blackadder. Or rather his character Prince Edmund was.

To be fair, Rowan Atkinson was Archbishop of Canterbury on an episode of Blackadder. Or rather his character Prince Edmund was.

74. Sorry for making an Australian soldier sound like a psycho.

Once again, punctuation matters here. Yet, not sure why they had to go on with long explanation.

Once again, punctuation matters here. Yet, not sure why they had to go on with long explanation.

75. We regret to inform that one of those Tiger Beat covers was actually from The Onion.

Again, I'm not sure how this mistake is ever possible. Tiger Beat is a teen magazine while the Onion is a parody news magazine.

Again, I’m not sure how this mistake is ever possible. Tiger Beat is a teen magazine while the Onion is a parody news magazine.

76. We regret to inform how we made one of our authors look like a middle aged perv with masculinity issues.

It's even worse when you realize that the author they're describing is Asian. And that his book is his sexual struggles as an Asian man which wasn't helped at all by pervasive stereotypes in the US.

It’s even worse when you realize that the author they’re describing is Asian. And that his book is his sexual struggles as an Asian man which wasn’t helped at all by pervasive stereotypes in the US.

77. Our apologies to Dr. Robert Goddard on his scientific claims we thought were off the wall.

Goddard is well known for his pioneering in rocketry and his findings about rockets existing in a vacuum is correct. And he wasn't the first guy to come up with it either.

Goddard is well known for his pioneering in rocketry and his findings about rockets existing in a vacuum is correct. And he wasn’t the first guy to come up with it either.

78. The Washington Post would like to apologize calling a Gitmo captain fat.

As if his figure has anything to do with the article about Gitmo detainees. Seriously, why?

As if his figure has anything to do with the article about Gitmo detainees. Seriously, why?

79. We’re afraid that we’ve gotten our Hemingway plots mixed up.

A Farewell to Arms and For Whom the Bell Tolls are both very different stories. One takes place in WWI while the other during the Spanish American War.

A Farewell to Arms and For Whom the Bell Tolls are both very different stories. One takes place in WWI while the other during the Spanish American War.

80. We’re sorry for all the errors we made in that Gore Vidal obituary.

I'm not familiar with who Gore Vidal was but these people seem to get a lot wrong about him. To be honest, I don't blame the writers for screwing up here.

I’m not familiar with who Gore Vidal was but these people seem to get a lot wrong about him. To be honest, I don’t blame the writers for screwing up here.

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Extra! Extra! Read All About These Breaking Newspaper Headlines

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Before the days of the Internet and TV, there was mass media called newspapers which informed the public of the day’s current events. One of their ways to catch viewers’ attention to articles was through a nice bold headlines. Of course, headlines on the front page usually got the most attention and were usually about events of historical and worldly significance. Nevertheless, newspapers continue to exist today but their glory days are very much over in this age of social media. Now I can show you all the great headlines I’ve seen before. But you’ll probably be bored by them to tears. So I’ll give you headlines by people who aren’t very good at some basic aspects associated with their job. Because unlike people on Twitter, they have to worry about things like grammar and syntax when their lines are in 124 characters or less. And sometimes they don’t come out very well. So enjoy these eye catching headlines for your reading pleasure. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way.

  1. Oh, shit somebody squawked.
Didn't know that parrots could resort to such criminal behavior. Maybe that's why pirates kept them.

Didn’t know that parrots could resort to such criminal behavior. Maybe that’s why pirates kept them. Polly wants you to give him all your crackers or else.

2. Apparently, someone wasn’t sticking to their diet plan.

To be fair, I'm not sure if dieting works anyway. But that doesn't stop people from trying it.

To be fair, I’m not sure if dieting works anyway. But that doesn’t stop people from trying it.

3. When it comes to crime, this man probably comes as a jack of all trades.

So what do they mean by, "everything?" The term seems rather non-specific here. Like he was arrested for arson, murder, jaywalking, robbery, grand theft auto, rape, extortion, and more.

So what do they mean by, “everything?” The term seems rather non-specific here. Like he was arrested for arson, murder, jaywalking, robbery, grand theft auto, rape, extortion, torture, and more.

4. Apparently, Uranus has been acting up more than predicted.

I think someone was wanting to write that headline for years. Sound sort of like some dirty joke since Uranus is so unfortunately named.

I think someone was wanting to write that headline for years. Sound sort of like some dirty joke since Uranus is so unfortunately named.

5. When it bleeds, it leads, especially when it pertains to rhyme.

Yes, I know that moose-auto collisions are nothing to joke about. But this headline is hilarious for its rhyming scheme.

Yes, I know that moose-auto collisions are nothing to joke about. But this headline is hilarious for its rhyming scheme.

6. While some people have imaginary friends, the Dallas-Ft.Worth SWAT Team stages stand offs in apartments belonging to imaginary pot growers.

Yeah, a stand off in an empty apartment isn't going to inspire public confidence. Also, those "tomato plants" in the lead aren't really tomato plants.

Yeah, a stand off in an empty apartment isn’t going to inspire public confidence. Also, those “tomato plants” in the lead aren’t really tomato plants.

7. According to Nike, Tiger Woods plays with his own balls in golf.

Apparently that hasn't stopped him from cheating. But I think Nike was trying to say that Tiger plays with his own golf balls.

Apparently that hasn’t stopped him from cheating. But I think Nike was trying to say that Tiger plays with his own golf balls.

8. As far as “Civil War planes” go, I don’t think it pertains to America here. At least I hope so.

I know this headline refers to a civil war in another country. However, whenever Americans hear "Civil War" they usually think about something that happened nearly 4 decades before airplanes were invented.

I know this headline refers to a civil war in another country. However, whenever Americans hear “Civil War” they usually think about something that happened nearly 4 decades before airplanes were invented.

9. Guess that marks the end of that discussion.

So this was a meeting on open meetings which was closed? Interesting.

So this was a meeting on open meetings which was closed? Interesting.

10. When it comes to organizations, sometimes you don’t know what they stand for.

However, this article has something to do with a nuclear waste incineration. For me this begs the question, why do nuclear waste incinerators even exist? Seriously, you can guess the environmental harm here.

However, this article has something to do with a nuclear waste incineration. For me this begs the question, why do nuclear waste incinerators even exist? Seriously, you can guess the environmental harm here.

11. Well, finding caskets in a mausoleum is kind of expected.

Because we all know what mausoleums are for. Seriously, you're bound to find caskets in them because they are stored there.

Because we all know what mausoleums are for. Seriously, you’re bound to find caskets in them because they are stored there.

12. As far as the 10 Commandments are concerned, the courts are divided on the question.

I guess this refers to displaying the 10 Commandments in public places which is a very contentious issue. But it certainly doesn't read that way.

I guess this refers to displaying the 10 Commandments in public places which is a very contentious issue. But it certainly doesn’t read that way.

13. Sometimes gun ownership responsibility starts at a very young age.

At first, I thought the firearm in question might be a BB gun. Turns out it's a real gun which just begs the question: How in the hell did a baby manage to win this? I mean this very picture pretty much sums up why I staunchly support gun control.

At first, I thought the firearm in question might be a BB gun. Turns out it’s a real gun which just begs the question: How in the hell did a baby manage to win this? I mean this very picture pretty much sums up why I staunchly support gun control.

14. Seems like she won’t be a positive role model for girls anytime soon.

To be fair, this girl won a beauty pageant. But whoever came up with this headline has a very poor choice in vocabulary.

To be fair, this girl won a beauty pageant. But whoever came up with this headline has a very poor choice in vocabulary.

15. Apparently, despite being broke, they somehow had $250,000 laying around to advertise.

I guess this county's officials weren't known for having any dollars or sense. Yeah, spending $250,000 to advertise being broke. That'll surely go well with the citizenry who'll probably vote some of these people out next Election Day.

I guess this county’s officials weren’t known for having any dollars or sense. Yeah, spending $250,000 to advertise being broke. That’ll surely go well with the citizenry who’ll probably vote some of these people out next Election Day.

16. Utah paperboy gets attacked by a goat of the Dark Lord.

Looking at this headline, the kid being attacked by a goat isn't the most surprising thing here. My question would be: who the hell names their goat Voldemort? Seriously.

Looking at this headline, the kid being attacked by a goat isn’t the most surprising thing here. My question would be: who the hell names their goat Voldemort? Seriously.

17. Doctors never said he would walk again, they were right.

Sure it's a realistic story. But it's not what people want to read about since stories like this usually end up with the person walking again. This is a letdown.

Sure it’s a realistic story. But it’s not what people want to read about since stories like this usually end up with the person walking again. This is a letdown.

18. Sure it’ll kill you but arsenic in water is nothing to worry about.

Uh, arsenic in water is a big problem. It's poisonous. It kills people. Whoever's in charge of the Water Authority in that neck of the woods out to be fired.

Uh, arsenic in water is a big problem. It’s poisonous. It kills people. Whoever’s in charge of the Water Authority in that neck of the woods out to be fired.

19. Sometimes painting something in camouflage makes it hard to find.

Even better is that it was from Australia and cost $74,000. That can't be good, especially considering the taxpayers who paid for it.

Even better is that it was from Australia and cost $74,000. That can’t be good, especially considering the taxpayers who paid for it.

20. Unfortunately, Florida strip clubs don’t accept that kind of pussy.

This man must be nuts. I mean calling 911 after your cat's denied entry into a strip club? Who the hell does that? Most public establishments don't allow pets anyway.

This man must be nuts. I mean calling 911 after your cat’s denied entry into a strip club? Who the hell does that? Most public establishments don’t allow pets anyway.

21. Fruit truck crashes, creates jam.

So was it a traffic jam or a fruit jam? Sometimes it's hard to tell in such headlines.

So was it a traffic jam or a fruit jam? Sometimes it’s hard to tell in such headlines.

22. When there’s smoke, there’s fire. When there’s condensation, there’s no fire.

Apparently, these fire crews don't seem to know the difference between clouds or smoke. Then again sometimes it's hard to tell.

Apparently, these fire crews don’t seem to know the difference between clouds or smoke. Then again sometimes it’s hard to tell.

23. So can you be more specific?

Yes, dead bodies are found in cemeteries because that's where people put them. Then again, this grave yard seemed to have a corpse too many.

Yes, dead bodies are found in cemeteries because that’s where people put them. Then again, this grave yard seemed to have a corpse too many.

24. Man tries to rob a gun store with a knife.

Guess this guy was planning some armed robbery at some point. Still, why he'd go in there with one is a mystery.

Guess this guy was planning some armed robbery at some point. Still, a gun store would be the last place anyone would want to rob.

25. Well, sometimes mailboxes and poop boxes can have a lot of similarities in the UK.

At least that explains why his friends have been complaining about not getting in touch. Still, the poo box is marked with an obvious sign.

At least that explains why his friends have been complaining about not getting in touch. Still, the poo box is marked with an obvious sign.

26. Remember, Amish kids, practice buggy safety and don’t drink and drive.

Makes you wonder how many horse drawn accidents were caused by intoxication. Probably a lot. Also, thought Amish people didn't drink.

Makes you wonder how many horse drawn accidents were caused by intoxication. Probably a lot. Also, thought Amish people didn’t drink.

27. Earthquake damage mostly caused by shaking.

Obviously everyone knows that. Why do you think earthquakes are so destructive that California cities have to come with new construction methods.

Obviously everyone knows that. Why do you think earthquakes are so destructive that California cities have to come with new construction methods.

28. How about never talk to police because they’re dead.

The reasons why homicide victims don't talk to cops are obvious. Because dead men tell no tales. Yet, newspapers still print such shit like this.

The reasons why homicide victims don’t talk to cops are obvious. Because dead men tell no tales. Yet, newspapers still print such shit like this.

29. After morgue shooting spree, 17 remain dead.

However, I don't think "remain" is a good word choice when you're talking about those killed in a morgue shooting spree. Because most people in morgues are usually dead on arrival.

However, I don’t think “remain” is a good word choice when you’re talking about those killed in a morgue shooting spree. Because most people in morgues are usually dead on arrival.

30. Well, of course you’re going to find weapons if you raid a gun store.

Couldn't they just say the Feds raided a gun shop. You don't have to be more specific.

Couldn’t they just say the Feds raided a gun shop. You don’t have to be more specific.

31. Make lemons juicier with cow piss.

That is one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard. Then again, they might be referring to using cow piss on lemon trees, not lemons.

That is one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever heard. Then again, they might be referring to using cow piss on lemon trees, not lemons.

32. Guess somebody in Sports had keyboard trouble.

Looks like it was keyboard trouble to me. Wonder what caused that jam.

Looks like it was keyboard trouble to me. Wonder what caused that jam.

33. Well, at least the red tape is holding the bridge.

Sorry, but the new bridge hasn't been constructed yet due to it being held up in red tape. My mistake.

Sorry, but the new bridge hasn’t been constructed yet due to it being held up in red tape. My mistake.

34. Something seems to be missing in this headline because it doesn’t paint a great picture for Belmullet.

When one hears, "Massive Blow Jobs for Belmullet," it's not a family friendly picture. In fact, quite the contrary.

When one hears, “Massive Blow Jobs for Belmullet,” it’s not a family friendly picture. In fact, quite the contrary.

35. Apparently, his pant pockets had refrigeration.

Now that's a bad place to keep an ice cream sandwich. Seriously, all that does is lead to a huge mess since ice cream melts.

Now that’s a bad place to keep an ice cream sandwich. Seriously, all that does is lead to a huge mess since ice cream melts.

36. Man assaulted by dildo in home invasion but dog killed.

Sure home invasions resulting in pets getting killed are scary. Home invasions involving sex toys though, just so hard to take seriously. But perhaps a dildo can be a deadly weapon.

Sure home invasions resulting in pets getting killed are scary. Home invasions involving sex toys though, just so hard to take seriously. But perhaps a dildo can be a deadly weapon.

37. I think this school might need to find a new mascot.

Apparently, who ever wrote this headline has no idea what "jack off" means. Hint: it has nothing to do with basketball.

Apparently, who ever wrote this headline has no idea what “jack off” means. Hint: it has nothing to do with basketball.

38. I thought it dropped off earlier than that.

Well, of course, teen pregnancy drops off significantly at that point. Because when a woman is pregnant at 25, she's not a teenager.

Well, of course, teen pregnancy drops off significantly at that point. Because when a woman is pregnant at 25, she’s not a teenager.

39. Rabid dear kicks woman in the face.

Unlike what people usually think about deer, they are not like Bambi. Also, a deer doesn't have to be rabid to attack people.

Unlike what people usually think about deer, they are not like Bambi. Also, a deer doesn’t have to be rabid to attack people.

40. Best man wounded by flying dildo at wedding.

It's one thing to be left bleeding from anything. But it's utterly embarrassing to sustain a dildo injury.

It’s one thing to be left bleeding from anything. But it’s utterly embarrassing to sustain a dildo injury.

41. Joint committee debates marijuana issue.

I think it has something to do with the government and legalization. And no, I don't think they were toking a joint either.

I think it has something to do with the government and legalization. And no, I don’t think they were toking a joint either.

42. Apparently, male Republicans have been rather insecure about their masculinity these days.

Actually, I don't think it has more with Obama's policies. But seeing how the Republican Party has been acting up these days, you have to wonder.

Actually, I don’t think it has more with Obama’s policies. But seeing how the Republican Party has been acting up these days, you have to wonder.

43. Well, isn’t anybody?

Of course, Diana was still alive hours before she died. That's not news to anybody.

Of course, Diana was still alive hours before she died. That’s not news to anybody.

44. Let’s hope this is metaphorically speaking.

Yes, I know A-Rod and Wang are baseball players. But the headline is so suggestive for some reason.

Yes, I know A-Rod and Wang are baseball players. But the headline is so suggestive for some reason.

45. Son of Westboro Baptist Church leader attacked by naked 500lb Man.

Reading it, it's almost like you're in the room. Not sure if I want to know how this went down.

Reading it, it’s almost like you’re in the room. Not sure if I want to know how this went down. Then again, it could be a joke.

46. Now what do we do about the homeless after they survived the winter?

Really? How about you know try to help them get homes. That might be a start.

Really? How about you know try to help them get homes. That might be a start.

47. I should’ve known that those Japanese scientists were a strange bunch.

To be fair, they're growing frog eyes and ears in a lab. But that's not how the headline reads.

To be fair, they’re growing frog eyes and ears in a lab. But that’s not how the headline reads.

48. Sometimes coming up with headlines can be harder than it looks.

Guess someone didn't think of a great headline at the time. And went with that. Doesn't really capture the story, does it?

Guess someone didn’t think of a great headline at the time. And went with that. Doesn’t really capture the story, does it?

49. Man shot after cops saw a suspiciously small package in his underwear. That must be embarrassing.

I guess the package seemed to contain something like drugs. Still, it reads like the guy was shot for not being well endowed.

I guess the package seemed to contain something like drugs. Still, it reads like the guy was shot for not being well endowed.

50. One armed man always appreciates the kindness of strangers.

Since he can't really carry some stuff himself. Because he has one arm and it's tough living with that.

Since he can’t really carry some stuff himself. Because he has one arm and it’s tough living with that.

51. Seems like the penis enlarger wasn’t exactly what this guy expected.

I think this guy was pranked for some reason. Then again, if he wants his junk to look bigger, a magnifying glass is perfect for him.

I think this guy was pranked for some reason. Then again, if he wants his junk to look bigger, a magnifying glass is perfect for him.

52. Chinese zoo tries to pass hairy dog as lion to save money.

Uh, excuse me, but that does not look like a lion to me. Why did the Chinese zoo think that they'd get away with this?

Uh, excuse me, but that does not look like a lion to me. Why did the Chinese zoo think that they’d get away with this?

53. Unfortunately, even muggers want the newest cell phones these days.

I find that hard to believe. I've been using a flip phone for years and I don't complain.

I find that hard to believe. I’ve been using a flip phone for years and I don’t complain.

54. Russian bears get high on jet fuel.

Sure the jet fuel isn't good for the bears. But they seem to have a great time nonetheless.

Sure the jet fuel isn’t good for the bears. But they seem to have a great time nonetheless.

55. Man kicks burning terrorist in the balls, suffers ankle injury.

It's a miracle he didn't suffer anything worse than that. This is especially when you consider that the terrorist was on fire.

It’s a miracle he didn’t suffer anything worse than that. This is especially when you consider that the terrorist was on fire.

56. Mayor to homeless: go home.

Uh, how do you expect the homeless to go home? Because they don't have one.

Uh, how do you expect the homeless to go home? Because they don’t have one. This guy’s a turd.

57. Well, you should expect that some horny ghost might be haunting places.

After all, I've seen Harry Potter and Ghostbusters. It shouldn't be an unusual thing.

After all, I’ve seen Harry Potter and Ghostbusters. It shouldn’t be an unusual thing. So I guess this Kevin is too friendly.

58. Lawyer killer receives new attorney.

Guess the guy wasn't satisfied with the first lawyer. Hope the second one works out.

Guess the guy wasn’t satisfied with the first lawyer. Hope the second one works out.

59. Apparently not at this newspaper.

For some reason, there's a reporter out there who doesn't know how to spell Mississippi. This one is missing an "s" or two.

For some reason, there’s a reporter out there who doesn’t know how to spell Mississippi. This one is missing an “s” or two.

60. Dwarf sues grocer for belittling remarks.

Somehow this paper isn't helping its case by using the term "midget." Dwarves find the term derogatory.

Somehow this paper isn’t helping its case by using the term “midget.” Dwarves find the term derogatory.

61. For a psychic, you’d think she see this coming.

Considering that it was her second arrest. Yet, she didn't seem to see beyond that.

Considering that it was her second arrest. Yet, she didn’t seem to see beyond that.

62. Looks like ninjas want their stash, too.

And to think they were attacking a medical marijuana man, too. Also, what's the deal with ninjas in California?

And to think they were attacking a medical marijuana man, too. Also, what’s the deal with ninjas in California?

63. When naming your organization, make sure it doesn’t result in an unfortunate acronym.

In this context, MILF stands for Moro Islamic Liberation Front which is an Islamist terrorist group in the Philippines. In America, "MILF" is a term that's applied somewhat differently like in porn.

In this context, MILF stands for Moro Islamic Liberation Front which is an Islamist terrorist group in the Philippines. In America, “MILF” is a term that’s applied somewhat differently like in porn.

64. Looks like someone is finally cracking down on the pigeon racket.

Gambling in pigeon races? First off, how is pigeon racing even a thing? Second, people bet on them?

Gambling in pigeon races? First off, how is pigeon racing even a thing? Second, people bet on them?

65. Squirrel causes power outage and water shortage.

Yes, I know this is a funny news headline. But it's in bold type since it caused a breach in the power lines in Tampa. It wasn't funny to the people of Tampa.

Yes, I know this is a funny news headline. But it’s in bold type since it caused a breach in the power lines in Tampa. It wasn’t funny to the people of Tampa.

66. I thought nudists would welcome this sort of thing.

Oh, they're erecting towers. But still, that's a poor word choice there. "Building" might've been better.

Oh, they’re erecting towers. But still, that’s a poor word choice there. “Building” might’ve been better.

67. Residents, keep your guard and beware of the otters.

Yes, otters are a menace so try to avoid devastation by this ravenous animal. For God's sake, I can't take this headline seriously.

Yes, otters are a menace so try to avoid devastation by this ravenous animal. For God’s sake, I can’t take this headline seriously.

68. Apparently, there are some people who think he stinks.

Yes, his name is Colon. And yes, I assume he had to overcome a lot of obstacles to get to where he is. Because he has a very unfortunate last name.

Yes, his name is Colon. And yes, I assume he had to overcome a lot of obstacles to get to where he is. Because he has a very unfortunate last name.

69. Lesbian dressed as sumo wrestler assaults ex-girlfriend.

Have to imagine what happened here. I know it's not something to joke about. But the costumes make it hard to take the story seriously.

Have to imagine what happened here. I know it’s not something to joke about. But the costumes make it hard to take the story seriously.

70. Turns out, cats understand us but don’t really care.

And for the record, neither do dogs. But dogs seem to hide it better. Still, this is pretty funny.

And for the record, neither do dogs. But dogs seem to hide it better. Still, this is pretty funny.

71. Clearly, there have been a lot of state prison breakouts lately.

Well, why they'd have easy-open locks in a prison is beyond me. Because crooks could easily break out in them.

Well, why they’d have easy-open locks in a prison is beyond me. Because crooks could easily break out in them.

72. Utah Poison Center tells everyone don’t take poison.

I guess this is something everyone should know anyway. But don't really seem to. Wonder why.

I guess this is something everyone should know anyway. But don’t really seem to. Wonder why.

73. Sorry, kids, but it turns out Pooh and the Abominable Snowman aren’t so nice after all.

Okay, that picture probably has nothing to do with the story. But since it appears below a headline, it makes one suspicious.

Okay, that picture probably has nothing to do with the story. But since it appears below a headline, it makes one suspicious.

74. Seems like this city has no idea that sewers are supposed to smell.

Once again, whoever came up with this headline should be more specific like in how the sewer smells. Because if it smells like human waste and other garbage, then it's nothing of concern.

Once again, whoever came up with this headline should be more specific like in how the sewer smells. Because if it smells like human waste and other garbage, then it’s nothing of concern.

75. Russian sex lizards die in space orbit.

Sex geckos? You have to be serious? Russians were sending geckos to explore their sex lives in space. Yeah, that's ridiculous.

Sex geckos? You have to be serious? Russians were sending geckos to explore their sex lives in space. Yeah, that’s ridiculous.

76. Deer with big rack turns out to be a doe in Iowa.

Yes, this happens but not too often that it's a big deal. My neighbor's dad caught a doe with antlers once. But I think "antlers" would've been a better word choice than "rack."

Yes, this happens but not too often that it’s a big deal. My neighbor’s dad caught a doe with antlers once. But I think “antlers” would’ve been a better word choice than “rack.”

77. Apparently, these threats are getting out of hand.

Looks like the threats are screwing up everything here. Even when it comes to talking about them.

Looks like the threats are screwing up everything here. Even when it comes to talking about them.

78. Drunk man eats underwear to beat breathalyzer.

And no, the underwear wasn't edible either. Nevertheless, please don't try this at home. It's stupid.

And no, the underwear wasn’t edible either. Nevertheless, please don’t try this at home. It’s stupid.

79. Apparently, flatulence can bring down your opera singing career.

Then again, given how opera is about tragic subjects, farting can be distracting. Still, it's pretty funny.

Then again, given how opera is about tragic subjects, farting can be distracting. Still, it’s pretty funny.

80. Seems that things have been slowing down faster than ever before.

Yes, I know that it's trying to describe some economic function. But it seems quite ironic in description.

Yes, I know that it’s trying to describe some economic function. But it seems quite ironic in description.

81. Remember, kids, don’t try to take a selfie with a rattlesnake or you’ll end up like this guy.

Let me guess, guy got bit by rattlesnake so he might lose a hand? And because he wanted to take a selfie with it. Can people be that stupid?

Let me guess, guy got bit by rattlesnake so he might lose a hand? And because he wanted to take a selfie with it. Can people be that stupid?

82. Unfortunately, angry management classes aren’t 100% effective.

Yes, a stabbing erupted during an anger management class. And it seems someone might need an intervention or be held down.

Yes, a stabbing erupted during an anger management class. And it seems someone might need an intervention or be held down.

83. Woman has been missing since lost.

Well, isn't that obvious? Don't lost people end up missing? What about a specific time frame?

Well, isn’t that obvious? Don’t lost people end up missing? What about a specific time frame?

84. Yes, the sewage killed fish, but the water is still safe to drink.

If a sewage spill leads to fish dying, then the water is surely not safe to drink. Get a freaking clue.

If a sewage spill leads to fish dying, then the water is surely not safe to drink. Get a freaking clue.

85. Sick policy now requires a 2 day notice.

So how do you plan on being sick? Oh, wait you don't. Seriously, that policy defies all logic behind the concept of being sick.

So how do you plan on being sick? Oh, wait you don’t. Seriously, that policy defies all logic behind the concept of being sick.

86. Apparently, the murderer feels like the detective ruined his good name.

Of course, the detective wouldn't have done so had the murderer not killed somebody. The only thing the detective did was gather evidence that he did it which is their job.

Of course, the detective wouldn’t have done so had the murderer not killed somebody. The only thing the detective did was gather evidence that he did it which is their job.

87. According to the Feds, fish need water.

We've known that forever. Because fish are practically swimming in it. This is not news.

We’ve known that forever. Because fish are practically swimming in it. This is not news.

88. Aren’t psychics supposed to predict the future instead of state the obvious?

Seems like these psychics aren't doing their job. Because we already know the world didn't end yesterday.

Seems like these psychics aren’t doing their job. Because we already know the world didn’t end yesterday.

89. Bullied? Act less gay, teachers say.

This is pretty insulting because how could you act less gay? Besides, what do they mean by "acting gay?" It doesn't make sense.

This is pretty insulting because how could you act less gay? Besides, what do they mean by “acting gay?” It doesn’t make sense.

90. Break your hip in a hospital? Call an ambulance.

If you fall and injure yourself in the hospital, you shouldn't need to call an ambulance. Because the hospital is right there.

If you fall and injure yourself in the hospital, you shouldn’t need to call an ambulance. Because the hospital is right there.

91. Apparently, cemetery residents are making a comeback.

So does this mean there's a zombie infestation going on? Because that does not seem quite right for some reason.

So does this mean there’s a zombie infestation going on? Because that does not seem quite right for some reason.

92. Seems like otters are finding a new taste in mini-vans these days.

Like how they make the otter look so evil in this. Still, I don't think otters would snack on cars because they're much smaller than the smallest vehicles on the road.

Like how they make the otter look so evil in this. Still, I don’t think otters would snack on cars because they’re much smaller than the smallest vehicles on the road.

93. Holy shit, how could Rover be such a monster!

Another case where the article is next to the wrong picture. And they always thought Rover was a good boy.

Another case where the article is next to the wrong picture. And they always thought Rover was a good boy.

94. Apparently, an Illinois executive is going to be away for quite some time like forever.

When saying that an executive is entering witness protection, I don't think it's appropriate to display a picture of him. I mean they guy's in witness protection for a reason.

When saying that an executive is entering witness protection, I don’t think it’s appropriate to display a picture of him. I mean they guy’s in witness protection for a reason.

95. Don’t look now, but the Chinese might be hiding their subs in the sea.

Yeah, that's about as obvious as anything else. Not exactly what I'd call news because that's what submarines do.

Yeah, that’s about as obvious as anything else. Not exactly what I’d call news because that’s what submarines do.

96. New findings suggests that chance of rain may depend where you live.

But of course, you already know that since you learned about climate. Because rainfall is heavily dependent on that.

But of course, you already know that since you learned about climate. Because rainfall is heavily dependent on that.

97. Out of options, hospitals have now resorted to hiring doctors.

Which is exactly what hospitals do. Because that's where many doctors work.

Which is exactly what hospitals do. Because that’s where many doctors work.

98. Scientists now say that starvation can lead to health hazards.

Like malnutrition and death. Because without food, you'll waste away and die.

Like malnutrition and death. Because without food, you’ll waste away and die.

99. I’m afraid tacos aren’t an acceptable form of identification.

Then again, being drunk kind of explains it. Also the setting his car on fire which he'll regret.

Then again, being drunk kind of explains it. Also the setting his car on fire which he’ll regret.

100. Guy tries to buy toy poodles, buys ferrets instead.

Okay, that picture on the right does not look like a dog at all. How this guy couldn't tell the difference between a dog and a ferret, I don't understand.

Okay, that picture on the right does not look like a dog at all. How this guy couldn’t tell the difference between a dog and a ferret, I don’t understand.

For Sale Ads the Buyer Beware

for_sale_sign

When you look inside any newspaper, on Craigslist, or wherever, you tend to find a lot of people selling some of their stuff. Houses and cars are usually the most listed item but it’s not uncommon to find pets, furniture, and other things either. It’s kind of like a circulation of crap from one owner to the next at times. Yes, people tend to be in certain situations that gives them the reason to sell like job loss, divorce, relocation, or death. Most ads of such type tend to be matter of fact and get straight to the point. But this isn’t the post for these since you tend to find them boring. Not to mention, getting through classified ads tends to be a rather dull adventure. But once in a while, you might end up finding ones that are sort of entertaining. And you might find others that might make you scratch your head and wonder why they thought to post this on Craigslist, the classifieds, or wherever. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasure trove of for sale ads that should be avoid if your seriously considering to buy ┬ásomething. But if you’re looking for giggles, go right ahead. Just be aware that some of the content might not be safe for work.

  1. If you like John Deere tractors and hate sitting or steering them, I’ve found you a perfect ride.
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Not sure if a tractor without a steering wheel is even worth buying. I mean why buy a tractor if you can’t drive it? A steering wheel serves a very important purpose.

2. Picturesque 3 bedroom house in forest, buy it now for the offer won’t last long.

1

I can guess why the seller is very motivated to sell this house. And I can see why the offer won’t last long. Still, it’s a nice house. But it runs a very high fire risk that might undermine its property value.

3. Can’t break up with your significant other? Buy a divorce couch.

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According to this Craigslist ad, this one has been responsible for 4 breakups and kept a divorcee single for 2 years. Nevertheless, I’m sure relationship breakups aren’t caused by furniture. But this owner isn’t taking any chances.

4. Soft black Italian leather couch for sale, has some wear but is super comfy.

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Uh, my parents have gotten rid of furniture that have looked better than this. It’s also bursting at the seams in two places. But I’m sure any WVU student would love it during football season.

5. 2002 Harley Davidson V-ROD for Sale due to owner’s personal issues.

10-funny-classified-newspaper-ads

Looks like somebody didn’t keep his zipper up. Now he’s facing the consequences by having to sell his motorcycle to pay legal fees. Fellas, this is what could happen to you if you don’t keep it in your pants. Don’t be this guy.

6. At Farmer Clem’s Huge Pot Sale, everything is 70% off.

17_farmer-clem

Apparently, Farmer Clem has no idea that “pot” can pertain to a recreational drug as well as crockery. I’m sure stoners are bound to be disappointed.

7. The Honda CBR 250 is an excellent car for the enterprising criminal.

18-funny-classified-newspaper-ads

Sure this is a great car for outrunning the cops. But that’s not something you’d want to put in a used car ad. Also, I think John giving away his phone number might give him a one way ticket to the big house.

8. Fellas, get this sweet ass 2001 Ford Taurus and it will get you through explosions and help you get laid.

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At the end this guy said that he didn’t write this and that he’s merely a fan of the original poster. And he’s also said that several other people who’ve posted this ad have been flagged. Nevertheless, I’m sure a Ford Taurus isn’t the car that survives explosions.

9. Free car available, because it’s just been dug up in somebody’s yard.

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Based on this description, I bet the car advertised appears to be one that’s normally headed for the junk yard. Also requests that you bring your own bobcat and tow truck.

10. Buy a 2005 Nissan Xterra for $12900 and receive a free pair of MC Hammer pants.

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This guy goes all the way to say how this car is for men in action movies. Also says that he’ll beat up any potential buyers who’ll give him $5,000 for it.

11. Parachute for sale, only used once, never opened.

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I think you can guess what happened to the previous owner. I’m sure it didn’t end in a happy landing.

12. For Sale, 1999 Acura Integra, good condition, has only been in one accident.

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Sure it’s only been rolled once. But please, did the seller have to post a picture of it in the classifieds? Seriously, I don’t think that’s going to inspire confidence in potential buyers.

13. Coffee Table of the Gods-sure to cost $7.83, 4 cans of Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli, and a photo of Betty White.

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The ad also says that it’s “perfect for someone with a cocaine habit or shooting a porno movie.” Also says that buyers might be subjected to a quiz to determine their level of bad-assery.

14. Box of 10 year old Twinkies up for sale for $5.

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I don’t know about you, but I think charging $5 for a box of 10 year old Twinkies is a bit much. I think they might be quite stale.

15. For Sale: human skull, not plastic, used once. Costs $200.

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The fact that it’s not plastic kind of disturbs me. Let’s hope that nobody dug this up in a cemetery.

16. Sorry, but this 2005 Nissan Maxima isn’t for sale.

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So if it’s not for sale, then why does this person have it in the Classified section. Just doesn’t make sense.

17. For Sale: One pair of hardly used dentures with 2 teeth missing.

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Sorry, but even “hardly” used dentures with 2 kind of disgust me. Seriously, I don’t think I’d pay a dime for them, let alone $100.

18. Need a better way to clean the dishes and a breast cancer screening? Well, here’s your answer.

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Well, for a dish washer like that, you can’t resist to buy it for $20. Think of it , ladies, a dishwasher that also examines your boobs. It’s a steal.

19. Soccer Ball: either signed by the Brazilian legend Pele or some guy named Peter.

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It’s probably signed by some guy named “Peter.” Seriously, where in the hell could anyone find a soccer ball signed by such a legend? Yeah, me neither.

20. For Sale: casket that has been only used once.

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So what happened to the last person who used it? Wait a minute, aren’t caskets usually used once? Isn’t that the idea?

21. For Sale by owner due to personal crisis.

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You have to feel bad for this guy because his life seems to run like a country western song. Still, I don’t think he’s going to get a great offer due to the asbestos, which has been known to cause mesothelioma.

22. Home for sale, mice included.

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Normally when a home has mice, it doesn’t make for good real estate. I mean nobody wants to live in a place that’s infested with vermin.

23. Used tombstone for sale, perfect for someone named Homer Hendelbergeneinzel.

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Uh, aren’t tombstones supposed to have names carved into them? Also, how on earth would anyone get their hands on a used tombstone? Theft?

24. This magical piece of driftwood of mysterious origin could be yours at the price of $8,997 or a boat.

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I’m sure $8,997 is way over priced for a piece of driftwood. You know, the kind of stuff you find near almost any body of water. Wonder if it’s wreckage from a boat. Wouldn’t be surprised.

25. All dogs are for sale, but keep in mind it’s a big responsibility.

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I like this one. If you want a dog, fine. But if you just want a dog to make you feel better, go to a hospital for therapy. Yes, good advice.

26. Fish tank for sale, along with some terrible fish.

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This one has 2 fish. One is named Kevin who’s a jerk and has got it out for goldfish. The other one is his brother Neal who is murderous scum. Didn’t know fish can be such jerks.

27. House for sale, because neighbor’s a dick.

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I think this guy should reconsider. We all have that one asshole neighbor out there. But most of us deal with it and live our lives. This guy should do the same.

28. For sale, slice of American cheese left in fridge.

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Seriously, a slice of American cheese? I wouldn’t think that’s worthy to put it on Craigslist. If it’s in excellent condition, why don’t you just eat the thing and be done with it? That’s what most people do.

29. Diamond ring for sale, very pretty, possibly cursed.

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Well, that’s a pretty ring and at least the previous girl wearing it had the courtesy to return it to him. Still, like the part how he plans to throw it into the fires of Mordor if it’s not sold by Christmas.

30. High-maintainence car for sale, no longer reliable.

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This guy could’ve avoided all his car trouble if he had tried to buy a car with Consumer Reports. Still, like how he photoshopped that girl in the front view.

31. For the price of $3995, you can drive this VW convertible as is if someone ever finds the wheels and who stole them.

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So looking at this picture, I suppose that this car doesn’t take you anywhere. One of its key features is obviously lacking.

32. For sale, 275-300 cinder blocks for $1, just get these fucking blocks of this property.

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Man, this guy seems to have a vocabulary that you’d expect from a character on The Wire. I mean they’re saying f-bombs left and right.

33. This 1971 Duster can be yours at the price of $3500.

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Oh, my God, that looks like a literal piece of junk. Nevertheless, that didn’t stop the owner from promoting it as a perfect father and son restoration project.

34. Dog for sale. Name’s Rottie. But also goes by Mr. Giggles.

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He’s said to be good with children, well mannered, and is a great companion. Sorry, but looking at the picture, I just don’t buy it.

35. For sale, the most uncomfortable chair ever made.

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It’s funny how this seller is trying to attract buyers for it. Says it’s an antique, solidly built, easy to carry, and be used as a weapon.

36. Free to a good home but I’m not sure who the guy’s talking about in this.

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At first, he seems to be talking about his dog. But as you go on, he seems to be talking about his girlfriend and how much of a bitch she is. Still, if he loves his dog so much, why doesn’t he just kick his girlfriend out?

37. Middleton home for sale, perfect for enterprising pot farmers.

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Something tells me that whoever is selling this home got busted for growing pot. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because this ad mentions a room that’s spectacular room to grow marijuana.

38. Keyboards for sale, will ask for a bare price.

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Guess that’s one way to grab a reader’s attention on Craigslist. Still, I wonder why this guy thought posing nude with a keyboard was a good idea. Why?

39. This suburban home in the hills of Wyomissing offers a spectacular view of a local Wal Mart.

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Hmmm…something tells me that a viewing a local Wal-Mart from a private deck wouldn’t be very spectacular. In fact, quite the contrary.

40. For sale, 1995 Ford Escort, now at a reduced price.

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Something tells me that this isn’t a great car. Well, it’s not just the price reduction. There’s also “beats walkin” in the description. Yes, this is probably a shitty car.

41. Fork for sale, $.50, also selling garbage disposal.

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Let me guess, someone left a fork in the drain when they turned on the garbage disposal. Not surprised that it needs repair.

42. For sale, Ryan Turbidy’s underwear. Who is he? You know the new face of the Late Late Show.

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Don’t know about you but this guy seems to have spoken too soon. Seriously, I don’t know who this guy is. And I’m sure the new face of The Late Late Show is an Englishman named James Corden.

43. These hamsters are free or cost $1.00, depending whom you call.

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Seems like Allen’s mother is desperate to get rid of the hamsters. That or Allen wants to make some money on the side.

44. For sale, dresser that ex-girlfriend left behind.

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This guy is describing his ex-girlfriend’s dresser as well as talking trash about his ex-girlfriend. Boy, this guy sure is bitter, my God.

45. Vibrator for sale, used twice, great condition.

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First off, does anyone know what a vibrator is? Second, would anyone be willing to buy one used? Didn’t think so.

46. Bike for sale. Costs $10,ooo, but be careful.

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I’m sure this bike isn’t nearly as nice than it in the picture. Let’s just say, “Apparently, ‘do whatever the f*** you want’ doesn’t mean what I thought,” might give you a clue why it’s on sale.

47. Seems like there’s a moving sale nearby.

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Kind of sad that this family has to move because the guy couldn’t keep it in his parents. Still, at least the wife has the last laugh with this picture. What an asshole.

48. Star Trek portraits for sale, to support World of Warcraft subscription.

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Seems like some guy might have an addiction to World of Warcraft. Nevertheless, I’m sure he’ll have no trouble finding buyers for his Star Trek paintings.

49. Treadmill for sale, because running is apparently hard.

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Guess somebody has given up on their New Year’s Resolutions. Still, buying fitness equipment is a waste of money, especially in January.

50. Mattress for sale, like new, has a slight urine smell.

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Well, at least they’re honest. Nevertheless, not sure if anyone is willing to buy a mattress somebody peed on.

51. Couch for sale, said to be owned by Barry Gibb.

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Okay, does this couch look like something Barry Gibb would own? My point exactly, no way in hell. Doesn’t stop people from trying though.

52. House for sale, has huge dick for entertaining and enjoying the views.

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Okay, that’s supposed to be “deck” not “dick.” Do you see why people need to check before they send it out to the public? Yeah, typos can totally change the original meaning.

53. iPhone bumper for sale. Available in Cape Town only.

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Reading this, you wonder what the hell is going on in South Africa. Still, why the hell is this person selling something like an iPhone bumper online I don’t understand.

54. 4 year old boy for sale. Has temper tantrum issues.

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Looks like somebody is going to jail once Child Services gets a hold of this. And I don’t think it’s this little boy who’s doing stuff you’d expect from a 4-year-old.

55. Wanna be a real man? Well, you need to buy this watch.

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Seems like this guy goes to great lengths to sell this watch, saying how it will many any guy a real man. Still, not sure if it’s worth a million bucks though.

56. Laptop for sale, only slightly damaged.

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Yeah, tis but a scratch indeed. Seems more like it’s been smashed by a sledgehammer if you ask me. More like something you might want to sell for scrap.

57. Couch for sale, David Hasselhoff not included.

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I’m sure that’s totally photoshopped. Because David Hasselhoff totally doesn’t look like that now. Still, don’t understand why people like him.

58. Potty chair for sale, solid oak, light brown stain.

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I think “stain” in this means wood stain. However, sometimes you have to wonder.

59. Rob Ford bobblehead for sale, money goes to the Philippines.

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Wonder if anyone is going to take a crack at this. Guess Rob Ford isn’t very popular in Toronto.

60. 15 used snuggies for sale. Either one at a time or all at once.

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Guy says that there might be some small stains on a few of them and someone might’ve died in one. But he says it’s no big deal.

61. Loaf of whole wheat bread for sale at $65.

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I’m sure this is an ad used to punk people who believe in the snopocalypse. Still, you can buy any loaf of bread cheaper at your local grocery store.

62. Shovel for sale. Comes with free extension cord. No Jews, please.

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I know whoever is selling this is a flaming anti-Semite. And I wouldn’t buy a shovel from him. But still, it’s great to laugh at.

63. Car for sale, not posting a picture because it has a lot of dents in it.

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Like how he says that he wants the buyer to come while his wife’s home. He wants her to see that he put the car up. Guess she doesn’t believe him.

64. For sale, 8 day old partially eaten turkey. Still has drumsticks.

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Look, I like turkey as much as the next person. However, I wouldn’t pay $23 for a partially eaten one. No way in hell.

65. For sale, used toilet paper.

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Used toilet paper. That seems like a great thing to sell. Then again, for the love of God, it’s disgusting. Please let this be a joke.

66. For sale, china cabinet. Has some cat scratches. But that’s taken care of.

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Sure this seems like a lovely china cabinet. However, not sure of what I think about the cat being killed.

67. For sale for $.09, a gently chewed piece of Stride gum.

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This is sick. Seriously, I wouldn’t want to eat a piece of chewed gum. Still, shouldn’t the person just throw it out like a normal person would? That’s gross.

68. KA Nissan 240 motor for sale for $5.

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Hey, this doesn’t seem like it’s advertising a car. It’s a little girl with a gun in her hand which kind of scares the crap out of me. Little girls shouldn’t play with guns. Nor should little boys either.

69. Yugo for sale because it’s a piece of crap.

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This seller not giving this Yugo a good write up saying it runs like a store shopping cart and is as reliable as Bernie Madoff. Then again, the people of Car Talk call this the worst car ever.

70. Boat for sale, needs work.

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Yes, I could’ve guessed it needs a little work. Because it doesn’t seem to have much ability to float if you ask me.

71. Taxidermy mice for sale with button eyes. Can be used as napkin hangers.

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This looks kind of disturbing. Not sure if it’s the dead mice or the buttons. Creepy.

72. For sale, a spectacular 1995 Pontiac Grand Am GT.

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This guy is really going to great aims to sell this car. Also calls it, “Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ.”

73. Moped for sale. Man in speedo not included.

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Not sure if this is a lame attempt at fanservice for these guys surely aren’t ripped. Still, is posing in an ad in a speedo really necessary?

74. Husband for sale for a good low price.

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Doesn’t seem very appealing, does he? So how he managed to be husband I don’t have the slightest idea. Then again, maybe I do.

75. Free sofa. Weatherproof. Hardly used.

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Now that can’t be comfortable. Seriously, it’s a stone couch that’s covered in chicken wire. Then again, it’s fairly low maintenance.

76. 1962 International Rat Rod for sale at $3000.

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Seems like this one was made out of two different cars. And the front end really doesn’t go well with the rest of it. So that’s why they call it a rat rod.

77. Apartments for rent.Spacious first floor has a lice infestation.

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I think that’s supposed to be “live” not “lice.” Still, I don’t see it attracting many buyers. See what typos do to ads if undetected?

78. Seems like there’s an estate sale around the corner.

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Oh, my God, this is the kind of yard sale you’d expect from an Agatha Christie novel. Assuming that yard sales took place in Agatha Christie stories. Still, sounds rather insensitive.

79. Unicorns for sale, must go together at $925,000.

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I’m sure this is a joke. Because we all know that unicorns don’t exist at all. Seriously, whoever makes a serious inquiry regarding unicorns is a complete moron. Then again, one born every minute.

80. Husband or kitten free to a good home, whichever leaves first.

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Well, that’s one way of giving an ultimatum. Still, you have to admit, this ad is pretty hilarious.

Death Notices with the Last Word in the Obituary Section

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Obituaries aren’t interesting reads since they’re supposed to inform readers of those who recently passed away, especially if it’s someone they knew. Most of the time they usually list the names of the deceased, their occupations and associations, family members, and funeral arrangements. Some may be touching, but they’re not very fun to read about either. And then there are the obituaries in which the deceased’s picture doesn’t match the person’s relative age at death. I mean you know how an obit opens with a young looking guy only to learn that he passed away at 92. Now I can understand if he was a movie star, a noted athlete, or Captain America. But some old guy who fought in World War II? Come on, chances are that he won’t look that hot at 92, for Christ’s sake! His grandkids didn’t remember him looking like that. Put in a more recent picture. Still, obituaries tend to be written by the next of kin, some of whom horribly suck at it as I described. Sometimes this is an easy process but other times it’s not. However, in this post, we’ll look at an assortment of death notices that break the traditional obituary criteria. Or those that are just very funny. So without further adieu, I present to you a treasury of obituary notices that try to get the last word. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

  1. Here lies John Micheal McMahan who died as a result of being stubborn, refusing to take doctor’s (or anyone else’s) orders, and raising hell for a little more than 3 decades. Left no children (that we know of).
This guy seemed to be quite a character. Loved how they said they'll escort anyone in a suit and Sunday's best to their vehicles and that there may be profanity and alcohol involved. Also, said to bring something to stick on his casket if you just want to irritate him.

This guy seemed to be quite a character. Loved how they said they’ll escort anyone in a suit and Sunday’s best to their vehicles and that there may be profanity and alcohol involved. Also, said to bring something to stick on his casket if you just want to irritate him.

2. In lieu of flowers, the Unsworth family respectfully asked that donations be made to the American Cancer Society or anyone running against Barack Obama in 2012.

Let's just say whoever contributed to the American Cancer Society had their money well spent. To anyone running against Obama in 2012, not so much. I mean, Obama is still president as of 2015.

Let’s just say whoever contributed to the American Cancer Society had their money well spent. To anyone running against Obama in 2012, not so much. I mean, Obama is still president as of 2015.

3. RIP Larry Upright, loving husband, father, grandfather, and hater of Hillary Clinton.

Let's just say if any of my relatives want me to write their obituaries, I'd just omit any political references. Also, let's just say that I'm totally willing to vote for Hillary if she ends up the Democratic nominee. Let's just say she'd be the safer choice than the alternative.

Let’s just say if any of my relatives want me to write their obituaries, I’d just omit any political references. Also, let’s just say that I’m totally willing to vote for Hillary if she ends up the Democratic nominee. Let’s just say she’d be the safer choice than the alternative.

4. Of course, obituaries don’t have to be long and this one gets straight to the point.

Man, how many people wish they can do an obituary in two words or less like this guy. Just

Man, how many people wish they can do an obituary in two words or less like this guy. Just “Doug died” and nothing else.

5. Please pray for the loss of Stephen Merrill whose young life was cut short due to an uppercut by Batman.

He actually didn't die that way. His family wrote it thinking it was how he wanted to be remembered. The real cause was most likely testicular cancer. So sad.

He actually didn’t die that way. His family wrote it thinking it was how he wanted to be remembered. The real cause was most likely testicular cancer. So sad.

6. Condolences to the family of James Robert “Beef” Ward also known as Jimmy, Pork, and Bubba.

This guy certainly had a sense of humor as did his family. Their nicknames are hysterical. His mom is

This guy certainly had a sense of humor as did his family. Their nicknames are hysterical. His mom is “Buffalo Butt”, dad is “Old Fart,” has sisters named, “Turtle,” “Hamburger,” and “Amos,” and a daughter, “Thunder Child.” The pet names seem rather normal in comparison.

7. Please remember James “Jim” William Adams, whose long illness deprived him of his final wish.

Well, we don't all get to die by being run over by a beer truck on our way to the liquor store. Still, wishes that his funeral could just be a booze fest at some water hole.

Well, we don’t all get to die by being run over by a beer truck on our way to the liquor store. Still, wishes that his funeral could just be a booze fest at some water hole.

8. We know we shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, but sometimes even that’s not possible.

Man, seems like this Dolores was a real bitch.

Man, seems like this Dolores was a real bitch. “Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society, and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life.” Yeah, she probably won’t be missed.

9. RIP Knoizki who died in a hot tub muttering death threats to anyone willing to listen. He will be missed.

Didn't know that they had a hot tub at a military base. Thought they didn't have such luxuries.

Didn’t know that they had a hot tub at a military base. Thought they didn’t have such luxuries. Then again, he might’ve been an officer.

10. RIP: Roosevelt Conway, not that you would like the guy if you met him.

Now whoever who wrote this really didn't say a lot nice things about this guy. But at least his obituary is pretty entertaining. Liked

Now whoever who wrote this really didn’t say a lot nice things about this guy. But at least his obituary is pretty entertaining. Liked “Homegoing Celebration.”

11. Condolences to the family of Louis Casmir Jr., an unremarkable daredevil.

Man, this guy was a real lucky bastard with his last words being,

Man, this guy was a real lucky bastard with his last words being, “Watch this!” Makes me wonder how he died.

12. Mrs. Scrobola is survived by her children, a shitload of grand-children, and one big great-grandchild.

Yeah, wonder how they managed to get away with,

Yeah, wonder how they managed to get away with, “shitload of grandchildren.” Guess she just had too many to mention.

13. Frank Waller was a unique character. By “unique character” we mean asshole.

Yeah, writing an honest obituary is tough, especially if the deceased wasn't so nice. I get the Mr. Waller was the rich guy who everyone in town didn't like.

Yeah, writing an honest obituary is tough, especially if the deceased wasn’t so nice. I get the Mr. Waller was the rich guy who everyone in town didn’t like.

14. Mrs. Anello was survived by her dutiful son as well as a son and daughter who were ungrateful brats.

She may have been a loving wife and mother. But her kids never seemed to get along with each other. According to her obituary, that is.

She may have been a loving wife and mother. But her kids never seemed to get along with each other. According to her obituary, that is.

15. RIP: Walter George Bruhl Jr., a dead person.

This guy must've been quite the character. He loved Monty Python and hated his wife wearing fur. His intro reads like lines from the Dead Parrot sketch.

This guy must’ve been quite the character. He loved Monty Python and hated his wife wearing fur. His intro reads like lines from the Dead Parrot sketch.

16. Here lies Fritz Seidenstuecker, a 6 year old German Shepherd.

Since when did people write obituaries for their pets? Seriously, most people don't make obits for their pets.

Since when did people write obituaries for their pets? Seriously, most people don’t make obits for their pets. Also, the guy’s owner could’ve gave him water.

17. RIP: Larmondo “Flair” Allen, “entrepreneur” and father of 9.

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By “entrepreneur” they mean it as a nice little term for “drug dealer.” Honestly, I checked up on that. Besides, for a guy with 9 kids by 25, he doesn’t seem to come up with very original names.

18. Here lies Ian, teenage bacon and rootbeer connoisseur.

It's always sad to see obits pertaining to kids, especially if their death was a shock. But the rootbeer and bacon part is pretty funny.

It’s always sad to see obits pertaining to kids, especially if their death was a shock. But the rootbeer and bacon part is pretty funny.

19. RIP Peter, the cricket watching cat.

This is from Britain and

This is from Britain and “cricket” here is a sport that’s like a cross between croquet and baseball. Still, he must’ve been a team mascot or something.

20. Here lies a young woman who died after being asleep for 24 years.

Hmm...getting in the obits for sleeping. Highly unbelievable. Seriously, I don't know what to make out from this.

Hmm…getting in the obits for sleeping. Highly unbelievable. Seriously, I don’t know what to make out from this.

21. Here lies Owen Kobin, a guy who liked food and a lot of other stuff.

Notice how

Notice how “food” appears a total of 4 times? Must’ve been very into it. By the way, this one’s from Florida.

22. RIP: Jack Goff. Yeah, that’s his name.

Ironically, this guy lived as an IRS agent for 47 years. Guess a lot of people didn't like him very much, especially in April.

Ironically, this guy lived as an IRS agent for 47 years. Guess a lot of people didn’t like him very much, especially in April.

23. Count Goddfried von Bismarck: hedonist aristocrat and proud.

This guy seems like quite the character. Reading this you have to wonder what this guy hasn't tried.

This guy seems like quite the character. Reading this you have to wonder what this guy hadn’t tried. I’ll let you read it for yourself.

24. Of course, if an obituary reads, “In loving memory of our Dick” there’s nothing that will make it less unintentionally funny.

I get that Dick is a nickname for Richard. But still, even though it's an attempt at a touching tribute, you can't help but laugh reading it.

I get that Dick is a nickname for Richard. But still, even though it’s an attempt at a touching tribute, you can’t help but laugh reading it.

25. With sadness we mourn the loss of John R. Gaines, who died by losing the cure for cancer in an underground high stakes bingo game with Chuck Norris.

Now this guy clearly died of cancer. But I have to admit, losing to Chuck Norris in high stakes bingo does seem like an awesome way to die. Well, at least to him.

Now this guy clearly died of cancer. But I have to admit, losing to Chuck Norris in high stakes bingo does seem like an awesome way to die. Well, at least to him.

26. RIP Big Al, a guy who always told it like it is and loved to swear.

Now this guy wasn't living to far from where I live. Still, I have to admit that he's right about PennDOT. Yeah, road construction does seem endless.

Now this guy wasn’t living to far from where I live. Still, I have to admit that he’s right about PennDOT. Yeah, road construction does seem endless.

27. Condolences to the family of Aaron Joseph Purmort a.k.a. Spiderman.

Actually he's not Spiderman. Just a young dad who died of cancer, which is mentioned in its own way. And no, he wasn't married to Gwen Stefani either.

Actually he’s not Spiderman. Just a young dad who died of cancer, which is mentioned in its own way. And no, he wasn’t married to Gwen Stefani either.

28. Of course, many obituaries contain pictures of the deceased. However, I’ve never seen one like this.

Now his obituary in the text is quite normal. However, his picture kind of emphasizes his sense of humor. Still, at least it'll make the stylist's job at the funeral home much easier.

Now his obituary in the text is quite normal. However, his picture kind of emphasizes his sense of humor. Still, at least it’ll make the stylist’s job at the funeral home much easier.

29. RIP Fred Clark who never peed in the shower-on purpose.

He's also another guy deprived of his final wish of being run over by a beer truck on the way to a liquor store. Also, wanted a booze fest funeral. Seriously, what's with men?

He’s also another guy deprived of his final wish of being run over by a beer truck on the way to a liquor store. Also, wanted a booze fest funeral. Seriously, what’s with men?

30. Tudy Kenyon died on Friday the 13th….finally.

Guess this one operates on the principle,

Guess this one operates on the principle, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all.” Probably wasn’t very popular.

31. Condolences to the family of beloved Principle Bill Eves and let er’ rip.

The guy's picture on this obit is priceless. Known to educate people on the dangers of holding one's farts. Also swore a lot.

The guy’s picture on this obit is priceless. Known to educate people on the dangers of holding one’s farts. Also swore a lot.

32. In memorial to composer John Stump, a shy and reclusive eccentric who hated having his picture taken.

John Stump? Never really heard of him. Then again, I really don't keep tabs on a lot of composers in Hollywood anyway. Still, this obit is pretty funny.

John Stump? Never really heard of him. Then again, I really don’t keep tabs on a lot of composers in Hollywood anyway. Still, this obit is pretty funny.

33. Here lies Graham Mason, journalist and raging alcoholic.

After reading most of his obituary, what amazes me most about him is that he died from emphysema. Then again, he most likely smoked, too. But I expected him to die of liver cirrhosis.

After reading most of his obituary, what amazes me most about him is that he died from emphysema. Then again, he most likely smoked, too. But I expected him to die of liver cirrhosis or alcohol poisoning.

34. RIP Norma Rae Brewer who died of hypothermia while climbing Mount Kilimanjaro.

This woman actually said she died while climbing Kilimanjaro as a joke for her friends. In reality, she actually died of a stroke. Boy, were her friends disappointed.

This woman actually said she died while climbing Kilimanjaro as a joke for her friends. In reality, she actually died of a stroke. Boy, were her friends disappointed.

35. We mourn the passing of Michel Sven Vedvik whose untimely demise was caused by the Seahawks’ lousy play.

Man, guess the Patriots winning the Super Bowl cost this guy's life. Wonder if he's ever heard of Deflategate.

Man, guess the Patriots winning the Super Bowl cost this guy’s life. Wonder if he’s ever heard of Deflategate. Probably had.

36. RIP Josiah A. Abeler, a Minnesota Twins fan who was angry at Joe Mauer and a Packers fan who once liked Bret Favre.

Funny, I wonder what made him stop liking Bret Favre. Oh, I think it might have something to do with Favre's sexting habit. That might do it.

Funny, I wonder what made him stop liking Bret Favre. Oh, I think it might have something to do with Favre’s sexting habit. That might do it.

37. In memory of Marianne Therese Johnson-Reddick, may that awful mother rot in Hell.

Yes, I know that child abuse is real and parents continue to abuse their kids when they grow up. But this is not the kind of obituary you see every day. So it goes on this post.

Yes, I know that child abuse is real and parents continue to abuse their kids when they grow up. But this is not the kind of obituary you see every day. So it goes on this post.

38. Seems like Kevin McGroaty has achieved room temperature.

I think this might be another guy from the Pittsburgh area. Of course, it's pretty funny that I might want to leave this to the reader's judgement.

I think this might be another guy from the Pittsburgh area. Of course, it’s pretty funny that I might want to leave this to the reader’s judgement.

39. Please pray for the family of Sam Lickteig who died of complications from MS and a heartbreaking disappointment caused by the Kansas City Chiefs.

Man, guess that Pittsburgh isn't the only town with a football problem. Guess the Chiefs weren't doing too well that season.

Man, guess that Pittsburgh isn’t the only town with a football problem. Guess the Chiefs weren’t doing too well that season.

40. RIP Mary Corbett principal and bagpipe enthusiast who died of lung cancer.

Hmm....guess this woman also liked to smoke, too, which explains the lung cancer bit. Still, wonder what her preschool students thought about her bagpiping.

Hmm….guess this woman also liked to smoke, too, which explains the lung cancer bit. Still, wonder what her preschool students thought about her bagpiping.

41. Here lies Michael “Flathead” Blanchard who enjoyed booze, guns, cars, and younger women until the day he died.

He's also insisted that his funeral not be attended by anyone under 18. You can guess what kind of stories he wants his buddies to share.

He’s also insisted that his funeral not be attended by anyone under 18. You can guess what kind of stories he wants his buddies to share. I’d expect an obit like this come from the John Goodman character from The Big Lebowski.

42. Please pray for the soul of Scott Entsminger, a lifelong and disappointed Cleveland Browns fan.

Yes, I know it's hard to be a Cleveland Browns fan. However, as someone from the Pittsburgh area, I'm not exactly sure that I have it in me to sympathize with him.

Yes, I know it’s hard to be a Cleveland Browns fan. However, as someone from the Pittsburgh area, I’m not exactly sure that I have it in me to sympathize with him. Still, he could’ve switched his allegiance to the Baltimore Ravens who got their start as the Cleveland Browns in his childhood.

43. Captain Donald Malcolm Jr. died nestled in the bosom of his family while smoking, drinking whiskey, and telling lies. Also of stomach cancer.

This guy died of stomach cancer because of his terrible health habits. Because if you continue that, you're bound to die while younger than my dad.

This guy died of stomach cancer because of his terrible health habits. Because if you continue that, you’re bound to die while younger than my dad.

44. In memorial to Hannah Murton, Taunton, New York’s resident crazy lady.

Now this woman was strange. Not only did she make a vow of virginity, she also had a coffin she'd lie in when she felt she was going to be sick. She also used it to store her bread, cheese, and clothes. Yeah, what a wacko.

Now this woman was strange. Not only did she make a vow of virginity, she also had a coffin she’d lie in when she felt she was going to be sick. She also used it to store her bread, cheese, and clothes. Yeah, what a wacko.

45. Please pray for the soul of Toni Larroux, a loyal customer of the Waffle House.

Seems like a long suffering woman if you read her obituary. I bet her son is embarrassed about what she wrote about him.

Seems like a long suffering woman if you read her obituary. I bet her son is embarrassed about what she wrote about him.

46. Jack Jones enjoyed cars, Indy car racing, and movie trivia.

Let's hope his love for racing contributed to his demise. Also, wishes everyone to watch the new James Bond movie. I think it was Skyfall, if I remembered. Dan Craig was good, but the movie--meh.

Let’s hope his love for racing contributed to his demise. Also, wishes everyone to watch the new James Bond movie. I think it was Skyfall, if I remembered. Dan Craig was good, but the movie–meh.

47. Here lies Charles Martin in his favorite comfy chair.

Of course, he had at least 10 grankids but that's a continuing discussion. Of course, the funeral was over before this obit came.

Of course, he had at least 10 grankids but that’s a continuing discussion. Of course, the funeral was over before this obit came.

48. Please pray for the soul of Fleetus Gobble. He has gone cold turkey.

Now this guy's obituary is quite normal and lists his death as a heart attack. Still, anyone with the surname of Gobble is hard to take seriously.

Now this guy’s obituary is quite normal and lists his death as a heart attack. Still, anyone with the surname of Gobble is hard to take seriously.

49. Here lies Jeffery Riek, a guy who never wanted nothing from nobody.

Unfortunately, grammatically speaking, he always wanted something from somebody. You know how double negatives work. Loved how he described his family.

Unfortunately, grammatically speaking, he always wanted something from somebody. You know how double negatives work. Loved how he described his family.

50. Here lies Moe Lester. Yeah, I know pretty unfortunate.

Maybe they should've stuck to his full name like Moses Lester. Moe Lester sounds a bit too creepy if you ask me.

Maybe they should’ve stuck to his full name like Moses Lester. Moe Lester sounds a bit too creepy if you ask me.

51. Please pray for the soul of Father Firmus Dick.

 I'd expect a guy with that name to at least be a guy who does porno movies. Not a priest. Seriously, that name is just a really terrible name for a priest. Or for anybody.

I’d expect a guy with that name to at least be a guy who does porno movies. Not a priest. Seriously, that name is just a really terrible name for a priest. Or for anybody.

52. “Explorer Grant Dies, Prayed for Death One Year.”

Of course, since that guy had health problems, I bet being unable to shoot big creatures and travel made his life meaningless. Wonder what the

Of course, since that guy had health problems, I bet being unable to shoot big creatures and travel made his life meaningless. Wonder what the “swan dance” was like for him. Maybe I don’t want to know.

53. Well, at least Tom Brady can be happy that at least one old lady supported him during Deflategate.

Yes, Patricia Shong was a mild mannered woman. But when it came to allegations of deflated footballs, she vigorously defended Brady's innocence until the end. I kind of think her defense was very much undeserved since Brady was truly guilty.

Yes, Patricia Shong was a mild mannered woman. But when it came to allegations of deflated footballs, she vigorously defended Brady’s innocence until the end. I kind of think her defense was very much undeserved since Brady was truly guilty.

54. Here lies Chan Holcombe, a guy who was circumcised with his dad’s pocketknife.

Now I have nothing against male circumcision, even in infancy. However, I don't think the pocketknife was sanitary. Best be done by a doctor.

Now I have nothing against male circumcision, even in infancy. However, I don’t think the pocketknife was sanitary. Best be done by a doctor or rabbi.

55. Here lies William McCullough, the man, the myth, the legend.

Now I don't know anything about this guy. But he seemed to have a big ego. I'm sure his diet might've led to his early death.

Now I don’t know anything about this guy. But he seemed to have a big ego. I’m sure his diet might’ve led to his early death.

56. RIP Amos Shuchman, a man who loved everything in New York except the New York Times.

Yeah, as a New York Jew, you have to find him at least complaining about something. Still pretty funny.

Yeah, as a New York Jew, you have to find him at least complaining about something. Still pretty funny. Ironically, this was found in The New York Times.

57. Of course, as she goes, Pink wants to leave with some advice.

Pink wants everyone to know that old pantyhose are really useful in a lot of things. And that you can use a BBQ brush to scare off a possum.

Pink wants everyone to know that old pantyhose are really useful in a lot of things. And that you can use a BBQ brush to scare off a possum.

58. Here lies Johnny “Big Buck,” ladies’ man, game slayer, urban cowboy, and outlaw. He will be missed.

From reading this, you get the impression he used antlers in all of his decorating. Also said to like smart brunette women. Hmmm...

From reading this, you get the impression he used antlers in all of his decorating. Also said to like smart brunette women. Hmmm…

59. Here lies Mary Stocks who had more stuff than she knew what to do with.

I tried to preserve as much of the article as I can with the snipping tool. Of course, her obituary is a riot so I'll leave it up to the reader to decide.

I tried to preserve as much of the article as I can with the snipping tool. Of course, her obituary is a riot so I’ll leave it up to the reader to decide.

60. Here we honor Elaine Frydrych, an entertainer who didn’t like Hillary Clinton.

Yeah, seems like Hillary isn't that popular among dead people. I wonder why that is. Well, maybe I'll never know.

Yeah, seems like Hillary isn’t that popular among dead people. I wonder why that is. Well, maybe I’ll never know.

61. Katherine Moore would like to say goodbye and peace out.

Yeah, I bet this woman had quite a sense of humor. That or this was the only picture they could find of her.

Yeah, I bet this woman had quite a sense of humor. That or this was the only picture they could find of her.

62. Please mourn the loss of Jade Cara Downwind.

And it seems her family has opted to go with her bitchy resting face. Not sure if she had an unhappy life or if this was the only one her family could find.

And it seems her family has opted to go with her bitchy resting face. Not sure if she had an unhappy life or if this was the only one her family could find.

63. Pleas offer condolences to the family of Richard A. “Dick” Butt who passed at 93.

Yeah, I don't think Mr. and Mrs. Butt used good judgement when giving their son a name. But at least they didn't live to see it. I mean the guy died at 93.

Yeah, I don’t think Mr. and Mrs. Butt used good judgement when giving their son a name. But at least they didn’t live to see it. I mean the guy died at 93.

64. Stig Kernell just wants everyone to know that he’s dead.

It's from Sweden but that's just what it says. And it just gives the date as April 6.

It’s from Sweden but that’s just what it says. And it just gives the date as April 6, 2014.

65. Now here’s just an obit from an old goat who died at a ripe old age.

Of course, who ever was responsible for this obit should've used a better graphic. This one might give us the wrong impression.

Of course, who ever was responsible for this obit should’ve used a better graphic. This one might give us the wrong impression.

66. Of course, Eddie Meduza wants to give his sister something before he goes.

Not sure what the power gliders reference was about. Guess they don't have a word for it in Swedish.

Not sure what the power gliders reference was about. Guess they don’t have a word for it in Swedish.

67. Here lies Carole Roberson who for all her faults will still be missed.

This might be a little hard to read if you don't zoom in more. However, they said her e-mails to her family were unintentionally hilarious. And she was a horrendous mom and mother-in-law.

This might be a little hard to read if you don’t zoom in more. However, they said her e-mails to her family were unintentionally hilarious. And she was a horrendous mom and mother-in-law.

68. Thurman Winston left a wife, children, grandchildren, and a bunch of backstabbing mother fuckers who owed him money.

Looks like someone needed to make a point about that. Yeah, somehow he gave people money who never paid him back.

Looks like someone needed to make a point about that. Yeah, somehow he gave people money who never paid him back.

69. Now before Val Patterson goes, he’d like to confess to something.

Well, if you want to get something off your chest about being a fake Ph.D. and stealing a safe, an obituary is the best place to do it. Of course, the police won't be able to arrest you after you're dead.

Well, if you want to get something off your chest about being a fake Ph.D. and stealing a safe, an obituary is the best place to do it. Of course, the police won’t be able to arrest you after you’re dead.

70. Here lies the Reverend George Ferguson, Canada’s con man preacher.

May be an example in religious hypocrisy. However, at lest his obituary is very entertaining if I do say so myself.

May be an example in religious hypocrisy. However, at lest his obituary is very entertaining if I do say so myself.

Help Not Wanted: Job Listings You Might Not Want to Apply

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As a chronically unemployed blogger, I tend to see myself doomed to a lifetime of seeking and applying for jobs that I really wouldn’t have if it weren’t for the money. Of course, I’ve just set up a better domain name and applied for advertising I’ll see how that goes (even though I still had to pay for the domain and mapping). But even when I’m good to go, I may not be completely liberated from having to search for a job (unless I try getting my book published again). But I have managed to improve traffic in recent months. Let’s just say when it comes to the job market, having is better than wanting. Now most of the jobs I’ve had were sporadic with an expiration date and don’t last long. But at least it’s something. However, most of the entry-level office jobs I actually want come with much more stipulations such as work experience which really pisses me off. Seriously, I have skills and experience but it’s just that I don’t get paid for it at least currently. Nevertheless, there are plenty of want ads out there that seem like they’re written by businesses and people who really don’t have any clue. Whether they be newspaper classifieds, help wanted signs, or online Craigslist ads. I once found a writing want ad with so many typos and grammar mistakes that it was ridiculous. So without further adieu, here are some job listings that I advise even the most desperate job seekers to avoid. Some of these may not be safe for work but must be posted anyway since they’re just too crazy to ignore.

1. Litterbox Cleaner: Must work for pancakes.

Cleaning litter boxes for a nominal fee like $7.25 an hour would seem reasonable. Cleaning litter boxes for pancakes is just plain crazy. Seriously, working for pancakes?

Cleaning litter boxes for a nominal fee like $7.25 an hour would seem reasonable. Cleaning litter boxes for pancakes is just plain crazy. Seriously, working for pancakes? I’m not that desperate.

2. Now hiring someone to dress up as a velociraptor.

If this job was advertised in the Pittsburgh area instead of Vancouver, I'd gladly apply. However, I don't really have much experience wearing costumes but I'll happily go for training. Seriously, $15/hr is a good deal.

If this job was advertised in the Pittsburgh area instead of Vancouver, I’d gladly apply. However, I don’t really have much experience wearing costumes but I’ll happily go for training. Seriously, $15/hr is a good deal.

3. Wanted: Female model for future iconic photo shoot. Don’t expect compensation other than a bag lunch and SPF 30.

Okay, this ad was probably written by some amateur male photographer (or student) who thinks too highly of himself. Seriously, the ad is simply hysterical to read that I'd just want to see the result.

Okay, this ad was probably written by some amateur male photographer (or student) who thinks too highly of himself. Seriously, the ad is simply hysterical to read that I’d just want to see the result.

4. Wanted: Hole digger for a guy who’s planning a homicide while his wife’s out of town.

Reading this ad, it's obvious this guy is secretly planning to kill somebody on the first week of October. From grave dimensions to the insistence that it must be dug under the cover of night. Seriously, if you an ad like this, answering it will get you charged with aiding and abetting.

Reading this ad, it’s obvious this guy is secretly planning to kill somebody on the first week of October. From grave dimensions to the insistence that it must be dug under the cover of night. Seriously, if you an ad like this, answering it will get you charged with aiding and abetting.

5. Wanted: Babysitter but for druggie couple. Unlikeable losers with no self-esteem and social skills preferred.

Okay, maybe spending Saturday night with some whiny little kids isn't such a bad gig after all. Seriously, this couple is looking for an enabler who won't expect much in return. What they really need is an intervention.

Okay, maybe spending Saturday night with some whiny little kids isn’t such a bad gig after all. At least they’re cute, fun to play with, and innocent enough not to know better. Seriously, this couple is looking for an enabler who won’t expect much in return. What they really need is an intervention.

6. Hiring girl for $50 to determine which is the bigger dick.

Now a job posting for penis sizing. That's a new one. Still, while it may lead a girl to look at other guys' dicks, at least it won't get them charged with a crime.

Now a job posting for penis sizing. That’s a new one. Still, while it may lead a girl to look at other guys’ dicks, at least it won’t get her charged with a crime.

7. Wanted: Part time personal assistant for naturist couple.

You know your job interview is going to be awkward when the people responsible want ad have to explain their reasons for adopting a questionable lifestyle such as nudism.

You know your job interview is going to be awkward when the people responsible want ad have to explain their reasons for adopting a lifestyle that would make certain people uncomfortable. But a part time job that pays $20-25/hour isn’t that bad.

8. Wanted: 2 hot twin assassins to serve as bodyguards for deranged rich guy. People with glasses need not apply. Interview conducted in undisclosed location.

You'd expect to find an ad like this in an action movie since billionaires tend to be prime targets in those all the time. However, this ad is just so ridiculous that you'd swear this guy doesn't exist.

You’d expect to find an ad like this in an action movie since billionaires tend to be prime targets in those all the time. However, this ad is just so ridiculous that you’d swear this guy doesn’t exist.

9. Gay male computer geek in Santa Fe wanted to help middle aged gay guy meet other men online.

As far as want ads or personal ads go, I'm not sure whether this one is either one or the other. Seriously, he seems like he kind of wants a companion than tech tips.

As far as want ads or personal ads go, I’m not sure whether this one is either one or the other. Seriously, he seems like he kind of wants a companion than tech tips.

10. Actress wanted to flirt with boyfriend. I wonder what can go wrong with that.

Seems like this woman wants to hire an actress to flirt with her fiance because she really doesn't trust him around other women. Seriously, if I saw an ad like this on Craigslist, I'd wonder about this woman's relationship.

Seems like this woman wants to hire an actress to flirt with her fiance because she really doesn’t trust him around other women. Seriously, if I saw an ad like this on Craigslist, I’d wonder about this woman’s relationship.

11. Wanted: Flexible, intelligent, and friendly workaholic for all shifts. No vacation or sick leave.

Well, with a post like this, you'd think this advertised just about anything from fast food to retail. Still, I have to admire the employer's brutal honesty here but I wonder if they need to lower their standards a bit.

Well, with a post like this, you’d think this advertised just about anything from fast food to retail. Still, I have to admire the employer’s brutal honesty here but I wonder if they need to lower their standards a bit.

12. Wanted: Lawn care worker. Hula hoop required.

Why you'd need a hula hoop for lawn care, I have no idea. Seriously, I have yet to see what kind of lawn tasks a hula hoop can accomplish. These are the kind of things YouTube can come in handy for.

Why you’d need a hula hoop for lawn care, I have no idea. Seriously, I have yet to see what kind of lawn tasks a hula hoop can accomplish. These are the kind of things YouTube can come in handy for.

13. Babysitters somehow seem highly sought after whether it be for little kids, druggies, or comatose grandmas.

Now a hyperactive child for $10 is one thing. But this guy seems to want a babysitter for his grandma because he wants to change her will. Of course, the poster declined in a very passionate fashion.

Now a hyperactive child for $10 is one thing. But this guy seems to want a babysitter for his grandma because he wants to change her will. Of course, the poster declined in a very passionate fashion.

14. Wanted: Expendable minions for world domination attempt. Must work 24-7 for little or no pay. No weirdos, please.

I'm sure this is a joke since no sane person would want to work for a Fascist psychpath boss 24/7 for little or no pay. Then again, noting how many henchmen get virtually no respect in fiction, this explains a lot.

I’m sure this is a joke since no sane person would want to work for a Fascist psychpath boss 24/7 for little or no pay. Then again, noting how many henchmen get virtually no respect in fiction, this explains a lot.

15. Part time saleslady wanted who won’t be a bitch and can take sexual harassment.

Okay, with an ad like this, it's clear that the employer is a real asshole who has absolutely no respect for women. Seriously, if you're a woman and you see job notice like this, just look away.

Okay, with an ad like this, it’s clear that the employer is a real asshole who has absolutely no respect for women. Seriously, if you’re a woman and you see job notice like this, just look away.

16. Help Wanted: Hipsters, globetrotters, and artist types need not apply.

Let's just say when it comes to employees Vinnie's Pizza has a pretty low view for people in bands, people with art gallery openings, and people wanting to go to Europe.

Let’s just say when it comes to employees Vinnie’s Pizza has a pretty low view for people in bands, people with art gallery openings, and people wanting to go to Europe.

17. Now hiring accountant. Must go through ASAP course.

Seems like this ad has a few errors in it and I'm not sure that an ASAP course even exists. Also, it doesn't display any contact information whatsoever.

Seems like this ad has a few errors in it and I’m not sure that an ASAP course even exists. Also, it doesn’t display any contact information whatsoever.

18. Hiring computer engineers to solve difficult problem. Must solve for number here.

This company must really be desperate for computer engineers since they leave the numbers for x and y for you. Also, I can actually guess the number is 044-876-8000 with some calculation. Seriously, why they just have applicants solve for x and y.

This company must really be desperate for computer engineers since they leave the numbers for x and y for you. Also, I can actually guess the number is 044-876-8000 with some calculation. Seriously, why can’t they just have applicants solve for x and y?

19. Novelist seeking mentally ill people to interview for new book. Must be successful and interesting.

Let's just say that this person would save far more time and money if they'd just check out the biography section of their local library or Wikipedia. Seriously, there are a ton of celebrities and historical figures out there who'd fit this ad's description perfectly. May I recommend Andrew Jackson.

Let’s just say that this person would save far more time and money if they’d just check out the biography section of their local library or Wikipedia. Seriously, there are a ton of celebrities and historical figures out there who’d fit this ad’s description perfectly. May I recommend Andrew Jackson.

20. Night and weekend cab drivers wanted. Former getaway drivers preferred.

For the former mob getaway driver who's now on witness protection, this will be the perfect job for you. Then again, I'm not sure if getaway drivers have good driving skills.

For the former mob getaway driver who’s now on witness protection, this will be the perfect job for you. Then again, I’m not sure if getaway drivers have good driving skills.

21. Become a school bus driver. Have evenings and weekends off, no take home work, and $16.25/hr doing what most parents do for free.

As funny as these ads are, they're very effective. These would make anyone want to drive a school bus. Then again, I'm not sure $16.25/hr is worth dealing with complete brats.

As funny as these ads are, they’re very effective. These would make anyone want to drive a school bus. Then again, I’m not sure $16.25/hr is worth dealing with complete brats.

22. Experienced bartenders who can understand complete drunken gibberish wanted.

Deciphered, this says,

Deciphered, this says, “Ah, fine, I’ll have one more before I go home.” Of course, when someone says this in the correct pronunciation, they’re completely drunk and shouldn’t be served.

23. Legitimate Job Wanted: Ex-pot smuggler seeks alternative line of work after jail sentence.

Aside from from the obvious criminal record, and prison sentence, this guy really seems to emphasize his qualifications. Of course, he should have no trouble finding work in Washington State or Colorado.

Aside from from the obvious criminal record, and prison sentence, this guy really seems to emphasize his qualifications. Of course, he should have no trouble finding work in Washington State or Colorado.

24. Bodyguard wanted, must be great boyfriend material.

Now I don't know about you, but I'm not sure if this woman is looking for a bodyguard or a boyfriend. And it seems like her perfect man is an action hero.

Now I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure if this woman is looking for a bodyguard or a boyfriend. And it seems like her perfect man is an action hero.

25. Now firing, apply within.

This is a great sign to show how even the smallest typo can change a whole meaning. Yeah, I suggest they fix the mistake and replace the sign. Because I'm sure nobody would want to work for them with that.

This is a great sign to show how even the smallest typo can change a whole meaning. Yeah, I suggest they fix the mistake and replace the sign. Because I’m sure nobody would want to work for them with that.

26. Smiling faces wanted for drug testing.

Yes, they want smiling faces but if you show up too happy, they may think you're high. Still, if this is for some minimum wage service job, I suppose happy drug free people will be hard to come by.

Yes, they want smiling faces but if you show up too happy, they may think you’re high. Still, if this is for some minimum wage service job, I suppose happy drug free people will be hard to come by.

27. Workers wanted, preferably female for kitchen jobs.

So I suppose this is a sexist workplace. I'm sure men can do kitchen work just as well as women. I'll take a pass on that.

So I suppose this is a sexist workplace. I’m sure men can do kitchen work just as well as women. I’ll take a pass on that.

28. Help wanted to put out house fire ASAP.

For one, if your house is burning, why can't you just call 911 for the fucking fire department for God's sake? Any normal person would do the same thing. Also, if your house caught fire an hour ago, I'm sure there will be nothing left. Seriously, this guy's an idiot.

For one, if your house is burning, why can’t you just call 911 for the fucking fire department for God’s sake? Any normal person would do the same thing. Also, if your house caught fire an hour ago, I’m sure there will be nothing left. Seriously, this guy’s an idiot.

29. Wanted: Some fucking loser stoner who knows anything about Apple products.

Man, this person really seems to swear a lot on Craigslist. Still, I wouldn't want to work for this jerk $200/hr or not. Also, for a lawyer spending $.95 on iTunes songs is nothing. So why complain about it?

Man, this person really seems to swear a lot on Craigslist. Still, I wouldn’t want to work for this jerk $200/hr or not. Also, for a lawyer spending $.95 on iTunes songs is nothing. So why complain about it?

30. Now hiring for a male escort service?

I don't know about you but this sign gives the phrase,

I don’t know about you but this sign gives the phrase, “work hard” a whole new meaning. And I’m sure they need to change, “people” to “men” particularly middle aged men with erectile dysfunction.

31. Taxidermy place needs deer skinner for hunting season.

Yeah, seems like deer hunters need not visit this taxidermy place, at least until they find a new skinner. Wonder how they lost the last guy.

Yeah, seems like deer hunters need not visit this taxidermy place, at least until they find a new skinner. Wonder how they lost the last guy.

32. Help Wanted: Polish need not apply.

I wonder what this employer has against Polish people. I can't understand why Jack Krasozowski should be turned down due to his ethnic heritage.

I wonder what this employer has against Polish people. I can’t understand why Jack Krasozowski should be turned down due to his ethnic heritage.

33. Young girls wanted for pickling and bottling? What the hell?

I suppose either this person is a cannibal with a preference for pickled girls or really had no idea how people would read it. Either way, I'm not sure if I want to work there.

I suppose either this person is a cannibal with a preference for pickled girls or really had no idea how people would read it. Either way, I’m not sure if I want to work there.

34. Help Wanted: Sirius persons only apply within

So if you're not Harry Potter's fugitive godfather who can transform into a shaggy black dog, you probably shouldn't apply. As to why anyone would want to hire Sirius, I have no idea.

So if you’re not Harry Potter’s fugitive godfather who can transform into a shaggy black dog, you probably shouldn’t apply. As to why anyone would want to hire Sirius, I have no idea.

35. Now hiring someone who has a clue.

On one hand, you might think getting a job there is easy. On the other hand, if an employer wants to hire someone with a clue, it might mean this might not be a great place to work.

On one hand, you might think getting a job there is easy. On the other hand, if an employer wants to hire someone with a clue, it might mean this might not be a great place to work.

36. Work at Murder Burger. Here’s a flyer of our restaurant policy.

Now while working at a fast food joint may be one of the most soul sucking and thankless jobs ever, at least this want ad is honest about their policy. Still, it's pretty funny.

Now while working at a fast food joint may be one of the most soul sucking and thankless jobs ever, at least this want ad is honest about their policy. Still, it’s pretty funny. Love what they say about politicians.

37. Wanted: Pretty and ugly exotic dancers for titty bar.

You have to admit, at least this has less workplace discrimination than Hooters, in regards to their hiring practices. Still, wouldn't want to work there.

You have to admit, at least this has less workplace discrimination than Hooters, in regards to their hiring practices. Still, wouldn’t want to work there.

38. Looking for female deli staff. Former gymnasts and contortionists preferred.

I'm sure flexibility has to do with schedule. But I'm not sure if people would get the idea, especially if they want women.

I’m sure flexibility has to do with schedule. But I’m not sure if people would get the idea, especially if they want women.

39. Wanted: Pizza cook. Must have masters in S. Y. M.

It actually means

It actually means “shutting your mouth.” Still, they also want no crybabies and people able to read a schedule.

40. McDonalds: Now hiring losers at $6 an hour.

I can see why people working at McDonalds want a $15 wage. However, even if they did pay $15/hr, I'd still not want to work there. Or eat there for their food is disgusting.

I can see why people working at McDonalds want a $15 wage. However, even if they did pay $15/hr, I’d still not want to work there. Or eat there for their food is disgusting.

41. Now hiring truck drivers and they’re really needed.

Yes, seems like they really need truck drivers there from how this trailer truck is turned over. Of course, when it  comes to truck drivers, they're really hard to fire.

Yes, seems like they really need truck drivers there from how this trailer truck is turned over. Of course, when it comes to truck drivers, they’re really hard to fire.

42. Help Wanted: Must dominate the English language.

I'm not sure

I’m not sure “dominate” is the right word here. Seriously, this person doesn’t seem to have as much understanding of the English language as he or she thinks.

43. Want a job opportunity in broadcasting? Work as a janitor.

I'm sure when it comes to broadcasting, I don't think maintenance work comes to mind. Seriously, who wants to get into broadcasting expecting to dust, clean, sanitize, polish, spot wash, empty trash, gather recyclables, and replace light bulbs?

I’m sure when it comes to broadcasting, I don’t think maintenance work comes to mind. Seriously, who wants to get into broadcasting expecting to dust, clean, sanitize, polish, spot wash, empty trash, gather recyclables, and replace light bulbs?

44. Wanted: Office Assistant/Receptionist. Must be experienced in voicemail, Microsoft Office, and switchboard operating?

Guess they aren't looking for anyone under 80 in this line of work. Seriously, who the hell would have experience in operating a switchboard which is just so early 20th century?

Guess they aren’t looking for anyone under 80 in this line of work. Seriously, who the hell would have experience in operating a switchboard which is just so early 20th century?

45. Work at our coffee shop for your boyfriend will ask you for gas money eventually.

This employer seems to assume that only a certain type of woman will want to work for them. As to why some boyfriends would ask their girlfriends for gas money, I have no idea nor would I want to know.

This employer seems to assume that only a certain type of woman will want to work for them. As to why some boyfriends would ask their girlfriends for gas money, I have no idea nor would I want to know.

46. Dwarf wanted to impersonate Oompa Loompa for sorority event.

Seems like this sorority party's theme is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I'd sure hate to read the Craigslist ads calling for naughty kids to torture.

Seems like this sorority party’s theme is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I’d sure hate to read the Craigslist ads calling for naughty kids to torture.

47. Waiters and Waitresses Wanted for swingers party, but as for gender composition I can’t be sure.

The heading says 2 waiters and 2 waitresses. But reading the description they seem to ask for either 3 waitresses and 1 waiter or 3 waiters and 1 waitress. Seems like this couple can't make up their mind.

The heading says 2 waiters and 2 waitresses. But reading the description they seem to ask for either 3 waitresses and 1 waiter or 3 waiters and 1 waitress. Seems like this couple can’t make up their mind.

48. Wanted: Personal Texting Assistant.

For one, how is it possible for someone to receive 40-50 texts an hour. Second, I'm sure that this person needs to respond to texts less often or not respond to all their texts.

For one, how is it possible for someone to receive 40-50 texts an hour. Second, I’m sure that this person needs to respond to texts less often or not respond to all their texts.

49. Now hiring pubic hair trimmers?

For one, how many people have their pubic hair trimmed? Secondly, how in the hell are there people who make a living trimming pubic hair? Third, how is pubic hair trimming a business?

For one, how many people have their pubic hair trimmed? Secondly, how in the hell are there people who make a living trimming pubic hair? Third, how is pubic hair trimming a business?

50. Wanted: Male talent for shooting, er-I mean photo shooting with kitchen products.

I know this ad is seeking male talent for an ad photo shoot. Of course, when you have the words,

I know this ad is seeking male talent for an ad photo shoot. Of course, when you have the words, “shooting in the back,” in your job posting, people tend to get the wrong idea.

51. Staff wanted, but don’t think we don’t have standards because we do.

Of course, if you're under 18, smelly, irresponsible, whiny, dishonest, rude, an alien, and with a short attention span and no common sense, this job isn't for you. Still, at least they're honest.

Of course, if you’re under 18, smelly, irresponsible, whiny, dishonest, rude, an alien, and with a short attention span and no common sense, this job isn’t for you. Still, at least they’re honest.

52. Piano player wanted, must be able to open clams.

Had no idea that opening clams was an essential skill to being an adept piano player. Seriously, what does clam opening have to do with piano playing anyway? It's not,

Had no idea that opening clams was an essential skill to being an adept piano player. Seriously, what does clam opening have to do with piano playing anyway? It’s not, “Break us some clams, you’re the piano man/ Break us some clams tonight/Well, we’re all in the mood for some chowder/And you got us feeling alright….”

53. Hiring weekend cashier, must not look like Skeletor.

Being born in the 1990s, I'm sure that people around my age have no idea of He-Man or who Skeletor was. I mean those cartoons are from the 1980s.

Being born in the 1990s, I’m sure that people around my age have no idea of He-Man or who Skeletor was. I mean those cartoons are from the 1980s.

54. Seems like this place is hiring for its Going Out of Business Sale.

Yeah, because I'm not sure how else would any place be hiring new people during a store closing. Maybe they're just betting on people desperate for work at this point.

Yeah, because I’m not sure how else would any place be hiring new people during a store closing. Maybe they’re just betting on people desperate for work at this point.

55. Surgeon Wanted: No experience necessary. Must have own tools.

Now this would be a rather reasonable job posting....for a pirate ship in the 17th century. Seriously, it was all about hacking limbs and knowing their way around with a saw.

Now this would be a rather reasonable job posting….for a pirate ship in the 17th century. Seriously, it was all about hacking limbs and knowing their way around with a saw.

56. Join 10x Marketing or die.

Now I know that Darth Vader is a cultural icon. But still, this is a guy is a boss from hell known to force choke his employees, blow up his daughter's planet, and cut off his son's hand. Seriously, would you want a guy like that on a recruitment poster?

Now I know that Darth Vader is a cultural icon. But still, this is a guy is a boss from hell known to force choke his employees, blow up his daughter’s planet, and cut off his son’s hand. Seriously, would you want a guy like that on a recruitment poster?

57. Tired of working $9.75/hr, here’s a job for $5-7/hr.

Yeah, I'll take a pass on this. Seriously, compared to what they offer $9.75/hr isn't that bad, especially if it pertains to a job paying $5-7/hr.

Yeah, I’ll take a pass on this. Seriously, compared to what they offer $9.75/hr isn’t that bad, especially if it pertains to a job paying $5-7/hr.

58. Start a career in a fast paced lucrative pudding business for adverse working conditions.

Benefits include long hard hours, very low pay, lots of heavy lifting, working for a ball busting asshole, no benefits, and no advancement. Must be a college grad.

Benefits include long hard hours, very low pay, lots of heavy lifting, working for a ball busting asshole, no benefits, and no advancement. Must be a college grad.

59. Men wanted for hazardous journey. See Ernest Shackleton for details.

This is an ad for the Ernest Shackleton Antarctic expedition. Of course, despite the abysmal job description, he managed to get guys on board. Luckily they all survived the Endurance one.

This is an ad for the Ernest Shackleton Antarctic expedition. Of course, despite the abysmal job description, he managed to get guys on board. Luckily they all survived the Endurance one.

60. Waitress Needed: Seeking 18 year old with 20 years experience.

Hmmm...18 year old with 20 years experience. Wonder how that's possible. Wait a minute, it's not. Yeah, somebody must've messed up with this ad big time.

Hmmm…18 year old with 20 years experience. Wonder how that’s possible. Wait a minute, it’s not. Yeah, somebody must’ve messed up with this ad big time.

61. Spanish disco seeks energetic young dancers for Friday nights. Must wear Star Wars costume.

I'm sure there will be plenty of Star Wars fans who will jump at this opportunity. Of course, many of them would really hat to work between midnight and 4:30 am.

I’m sure there will be plenty of Star Wars fans who will jump at this opportunity. Of course, many of them would really hat to work between midnight and 4:30 am.

62.Wanted: Hay chewer.

Seriously, you'd have to be incredibly nuts to apply for this job. I mean the job description is utterly disgusting.

Seriously, you’d have to be incredibly nuts to apply for this job. I mean the job description is utterly disgusting.

63. Now hiring at Blockbuster. Please no dinosaurs in human costumes.

Dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years. So the odds of them being in a human costume is basically nil. Guess working at a video store can drive you nuts.

Dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years. So the odds of them being in a human costume is basically nil. Guess working at a video store can drive you nuts.

64. Exxon: Now hiring and by the way, we pay more than the NYPD.

If Exxon seems to pay more than the NYPD, then I'm sure that those guys in blue are basically working for peanuts. No wonder they commit so many atrocities on black people.

If Exxon seems to pay more than the NYPD, then I’m sure that those guys in blue are basically working for peanuts. No wonder they commit so many atrocities on black people.

65. Help wanted: Many positions available.

I'm sure this is a joke. If not, then it's probably some recruitment sign for a prostitution ring. Yes, dirty silhouette people you see on restrooms have sex lives, too.

I’m sure this is a joke. If not, then it’s probably some recruitment sign for a prostitution ring. Yes, dirty silhouette people you see on restrooms have sex lives, too.

66. Wanted: Babysitter for adopted daughter. Call 24601.

Again, this is a joke. Yeah, nice try Jean Valjean. Love the

Again, this is a joke. Yeah, nice try Jean Valjean. Love the “May or may not be during an attempted revival of the French Revolution.”

67. Now hiring fried turkeys.

I'm sure this is a case of bad ad placement. Seriously, who'd want to hire fried turkeys. Still pretty funny.

I’m sure this is a case of bad ad placement. Seriously, who’d want to hire fried turkeys. Still pretty funny.

68. Kitchen Helf Wated.

Seems like they need someone with good English skills. Either that, or someone who knows how to spell simple words like

Seems like they need someone with good English skills. Either that, or someone who knows how to spell simple words like “help” or “wanted.”

69. Wanted: Female Snail Crusher.

Of course, they will be paid via vouchers from Amazon. Still, this is said to be posted by film students. As to why they want female snail crushers, I have no idea.

Of course, they will be paid via vouchers from Amazon. Still, this is said to be posted by film students. As to why they want female snail crushers, I have no idea.

70. Good news! Spongebob is at Burger King hiring managers.

Of course, this is a result when advertising to customers gets in the way of advertising to job seekers. Yeah, might make people think

Of course, this is a result when advertising to customers gets in the way of advertising to job seekers. Yeah, might make people think “Hey, I didn’t know Spongebob worked at Burger King.”

71. Have what it takes to be an Air Force engineer? Call the number below.

Now this is the kind of complex math engineers would certainly deal with. Yes, this is certainly incomprehensible to people like me.

Now this is the kind of complex math engineers would certainly deal with. Yes, this is certainly incomprehensible to people like me.

72. Interested in graphic design. Then be a freelance studio assistant.

Sure you'll be working with an advertising agency. But you'll basically be a gopher in this position, which is kind of like an internship.

Sure you’ll be working with an advertising agency. But you’ll basically be a gopher in this position, which is kind of like an internship.

73. Be a part time server at our establishment, but you must meet the following criteria.

Now there may be some relevant disqualifications here such as being a sociopath, mean, or crazy. But some of these are just so irrelevant to the job such as not liking Batman, for instance.

Now there may be some relevant disqualifications here such as being a sociopath, mean, or crazy. But some of these are just so irrelevant to the job such as not liking Batman, for instance.

74. Wanted: Intern required for stuff.

Of course, this job has some fine qualifications. But the job title is very nonspecific other than it being from Glasgow. Yet, liking bourbon and a song on Youtube, how does that make anyone eligible?

Of course, this job has some fine qualifications. But the job title is very nonspecific other than it being from Glasgow. Yet, liking bourbon and a song on You Tube, how does that make anyone eligible?

75. People needed for Burger Bar. Politics students and P addicts need not apply.

Again, you have to love Murder Burger. Not sure what their food is like. But their ads seem like they're written by complete curmudgeons and are hilarious.

Again, you have to love Murder Burger. Not sure what their food is like. But their ads seem like they’re written by complete curmudgeons and are hilarious.

76. Wanted: Clinical Scientists for our graveyard shits.

Should be

Should be “graveyard shifts.” A great example of how leaving one letter can just change the whole meaning of the ad.

77. In Islamabad, they have very high standards for potential employees in Chinese restaurants.

Now 5 years experience for a waiter or barman is one thing, but 5 star hotel? You got to be kidding me. Talk about impossible standards.

Now 5 years experience for a waiter or barman is one thing, but 5 star hotel? You got to be kidding me. Talk about impossible standards.

78. Wanted: Head Coach of Division I College Basketball.

Now you have to admit, that the University of Nevada Las Vegas is really desperate for a head basketball coach. Otherwise, they wouldn't have advertised it on Craigslist.

Now you have to admit, that the University of Nevada Las Vegas is really desperate for a head basketball coach. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have advertised it on Craigslist.

79. Wanted: Photographer for adult film star party.

“Must be comfortable around little people,” well, that’s not really the thing in this case. Seriously, nudity and sex is one thing, but involving live animals in it, then it’s just disgusting.

80. Wanted: Two people to play Dungeons and Dragons with.

For one, since when can you send a resume telepathically? Second, I'm sure satisfaction of cosmic justice isn't enough for someone to live on.

For one, since when can you send a resume telepathically? Second, I’m sure satisfaction of cosmic justice isn’t enough for someone to live on.

Personal Ads Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

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Whether it be on Craigslist or the newspaper classifieds, personal ads have served as a way for people to meet one another for dates. Some do personal ads since they may not know people in the area or live in places with a small dating pool such as gays and those who probably dated everyone in town who’s not married as well as too old to be their child but too young to be their parents. Others want to meet people but don’t want it to be known in their public life. Of course, we all have reasons for seeking dates this way whether it be looking for a spouse or just a one night stand. Some people who put out personal ads may already be married and just looking to either swing or have a little on the side. Still, not all personal ads pertain to necessarily dating but plenty of them do, at least those we tend to make fun of. They usually include a description of the person and their interests. Those who are interested contact the person posting either through listed information or a forwarding service. Nevertheless, though some may post photos, the person posting it usually does it anonymously. Now I can go on and on about the great personal ads I’ve seen but that’s limited and I’m not sure if I want to resort to that when I have internet dating (but I’m far more interested in trying to establish myself as a writer and get a long term steady job that’ll get me out of my parents home, though I will take exceptions if the right guy comes along). Instead, I’ll post some of the more unusual and funny personal ads of people you may or may not want to date. Some of these may not be safe for work. So without further adieu, here are some personal ads to laugh at this Valentine’s Day season.

1. While some try to make sure the message fits the ad, this one took two placements to get his message across.

He just had to take 2 spots in the paper to ask his girlfriend a very important question: to make dinner so he could finish Breaking Bad. Of course, some people might agree.

He just had to take 2 spots in the paper to ask his girlfriend a very important question: to make dinner so he could finish Breaking Bad. Of course, some people might agree.

2. Some guys put themselves out there on the dating scene with the local classifieds. Some do it with Craigslist and online dating. But this guy does it with an entire billboard.

Then again, if he has to put his personal ad on a billboard, he's probably very rich and very desperate. Still, I wouldn't date this guy since he's a returned missionary (since I'm Catholic, it's a deal breaker) and his sense of humor is questionable.

Then again, if he has to put his personal ad on a billboard, he’s probably very rich and very desperate. Still, I wouldn’t date this guy since he’s a returned missionary (since I’m Catholic, it’s a deal breaker) and his sense of humor is questionable.

3. When a female farmer is looking for a man, she does her own personal ad with a tractor.

Never has looking for love ever used up so much gasoline. And she isn't even involved in a long distance relationship either.

Never has looking for love ever used up so much gasoline. And she isn’t even involved in a long distance relationship either.

4. I’m sure this ad is only honest when you read lines 1, 3, and 5. Pervert.

When you just read lines 1, 3, and 5 it says: "A tall well-built woman with good legs who appreciates a good fucking without getting too serious." Yeah, he's not looking for a relationship with a woman who can cook frog legs and likes fuchsia gardens and classical music. He wants to get laid.

When you just read lines 1, 3, and 5 it says: “A tall well-built woman with good legs who appreciates a good fucking without getting too serious.” Yeah, he’s not looking for a relationship with a woman who can cook frog legs and likes fuchsia gardens and classical music. He wants to get laid.

5. While some may long for a companion, others want someone to satisfy their particular uh, fetishes.

I can't believe that this was posted by a senior citizen. I think this might be by the dead father from Death at a Funeral if I'm not mistaken. Then again, Peter Dinkledge wasn't a carnie and I'm not sure about the scat and diaper sniffing fetish.

I can’t believe that this was posted by a senior citizen. I think this might be by the dead father from Death at a Funeral if I’m not mistaken. Then again, Peter Dinkledge wasn’t a carnie and I’m not sure about the scat and diaper sniffing fetish.

6. Of course, it’s not always the young who seek just to hook up with during a one night stand.

The fact the guy has Viagra basically means he's above a certain age and has erectile dysfunction. However, I'm not surprised that he's looking for women between 18 and 80 since Idaho doesn't have a lot of people living there to begin with.

The fact the guy has Viagra basically means he’s above a certain age and has erectile dysfunction. However, I’m not surprised that he’s looking for women between 18 and 80 since Idaho doesn’t have a lot of people living there to begin with.

7. So that’s how Kermit met Piggy. Wait, I’ve seen The Muppet Movie and I’m pretty sure they met in person.

The description in this ad basically sums up Miss Piggy perfectly. Not sure how a frog and pig would be sexually compatible, let alone be able to have children.

The description in this ad basically sums up Miss Piggy perfectly. Not sure how a frog and pig would be sexually compatible, let alone be able to have children.

8. Basically this ad says: “Go out with me because I spent $340 on this ad though I can’t pay for your dinner.”

He also wants a woman to have restaurant coupons if you read the fine print on the bottom.  Still, according to his description may be good looking enough since he's 6'1," 170 lbs with brown hair and blue eyes as well as 28. Then again, his spending habits are questionable.

He also wants a woman to have restaurant coupons if you read the fine print on the bottom. Still, according to his description may be good looking enough since he’s 6’1,” 170 lbs with brown hair and blue eyes as well as 28. Then again, his spending habits are questionable.

9. Sometimes in personal ads, you find guys who have impossible standards.

Sorry, dude, but I think it's time to lower your standards. For God's sake, you might need to drop the double jointed supermodel with open minded twin sister to start with. Also, you don't want a girl who grows pot unless you live in Colorado or Washington State. And you thought women were picky.

Sorry, dude, but I think it’s time to lower your standards. For God’s sake, you might need to drop the double jointed supermodel with open minded twin sister to start with. Also, you don’t want a girl who grows pot unless you live in Colorado or Washington State. And you thought women were picky.

10. 33 year old male seeks meeting and boning women and couples as well as form or join a sex club.

It's kind of funny how you see a picture of a geeky professional with plastic rimmed glasses while reading a description of wanting to be a swinger. Of course, this is from the 1960s. Guess hippies weren't the only ones believing in free love at the time.

It’s kind of funny how you see a picture of a geeky professional with plastic rimmed glasses while reading a description of wanting to be a swinger. Of course, this is from the 1960s. Guess hippies weren’t the only ones believing in free love at the time.

11. Wanted: Women for our swingers club because we’re executives and there aren’t man women among us because it’s the 1960s.

Of course, this is a perfect place for the cast of Mad Men, well, at least those who are young like Don Draper. Nevertheless, have to appreciate that they're not picky since they'll even take gay divorcees, yet I'm not sure it that means divorced lesbians.

Of course, this is a perfect place for the cast of Mad Men, well, at least those who are young like Don Draper. Nevertheless, have to appreciate that they’re not picky since they’ll even take gay divorcees, yet I’m not sure it that means divorced lesbians.

12. Now personal ads don’t always have to be about getting dates. This woman just wants her purse back.

Woman was probably drunk at the time when the person she's seeking out in question drove her home. She could also try one of the the bars. Has to be around somehow.

Woman was probably drunk at the time when the person she’s seeking out in question drove her home. She could also try one of the the bars. Has to be around somehow.

13. Some people find that personal ads sometimes make them express their poetic inclinations.

Now it seems this guy wants to find this Francesca who's possibly upset with him. Yet, if he can't get her back, he'd settle for a dominatrix. This is according to my interpretation.

Now it seems this guy wants to find this Francesca who’s possibly upset with him. Yet, if he can’t get her back, he’d settle for a dominatrix. This is according to my interpretation.

14. Now this is what I call a dirty old man who may a possible candidate for John Boehner’s biological father.

Yes, he has the Boehner "Groot" tan we all remember from the House Speaker's appearance during Obama's last State of the Union speech. Unlike the gentleman from Ohio though, there's a good chance his tan is natural.

Yes, he has the Boehner “Groot” tan we all remember from the House Speaker’s appearance during Obama’s last State of the Union speech. Unlike the gentleman from Ohio though, there’s a good chance his tan is natural.

15. Young educated Frenchman seeks rich older woman in the 19th century. I wonder what’s this for?

I don't know about you, but would it be rude of me to say that this guy is advertising for a sugar mama? Seriously, if he had a thing for older women, he wouldn't have to include the word, "wealth" right?

I don’t know about you, but would it be rude of me to say that this guy is advertising for a sugar mama? Seriously, if he had a thing for older women, he wouldn’t have to include the word, “wealth” right?

16. Sometimes there are some people who post personal ads who really shouldn’t, like married people or priests.

I almost didn't post this but I had to since it's just so ridiculous and disturbing. Now this priest isn't really breaking his vow of celibacy by confessing to being turned on by a lady he met in the confessional (though he might intend to as the subtext reads). His real Catholic crime is breaking the seal of confession by posting certain details of this woman's sins on Craigslist. Of course, chances are he's probably not a real priest if he's Catholic. If not, then someone's about to be defrocked if the bishop finds out.

I almost didn’t post this but I had to since it’s just so ridiculous and disturbing. Now this priest isn’t really breaking his vow of celibacy by confessing to being turned on by a lady he met in the confessional (though he might intend to as the subtext reads). His real Catholic crime is breaking the seal of confession by posting certain details of this woman’s sins on Craigslist. Of course, chances are he’s probably not a real priest if he’s Catholic. If not, then someone’s about to be defrocked if the bishop finds out.

17. Sometimes it’s love at first sight. Other times, at first smell.

Now this is the kind of personal ad my grandfather would love, for entertainment purposes. I mean farting in the bread aisle, that's too much.

Now this is the kind of personal ad my grandfather would love, for entertainment purposes. I mean farting in the bread aisle, that’s too much.

18. Of course, you’d find a lot of divorced people posting personal ads but I’m not sure if this woman is ready to move on yet.

From what I've read in this ad, it's very clear that this middle age woman needs a therapist since she's certainly not ready to start dating again. Yes, I know she's upset about her husband's cheating but still.

From what I’ve read in this ad, it’s very clear that this middle age woman needs a therapist since she’s certainly not ready to start dating again. Yes, I know she’s upset about her husband’s cheating but still.

19. 35 year old engineer seeks woman to marry so he can get ahead in his business.

Man, seems like engineers haven't changed much since the 1920s. Who's to bet that he's the great grandfather of somebody from The Big Bang Theory? Probably the Sheldon Cooper of his day. Also like how he says that flappers and divorcees save their stamps.

Man, seems like engineers haven’t changed much since the 1920s. Who’s to bet that he’s the great grandfather of somebody from The Big Bang Theory? Probably the Sheldon Cooper of his day. Also like how he says that flappers and divorcees save their stamps. Also, the bank reference bit suggests, “gold digger.”

20. Two guys request two women to live happily ever after with-in the closet.

Man, this one shows how we came a long way with gay rights. Guess these guys don't have a gay friendly boss. Still, I'm not sure if marrying lesbians is their idea of "fun."

Man, this one shows how we came a long way with gay rights. Guess these guys don’t have a gay friendly boss. Still, I’m not sure if marrying lesbians is their idea of “fun.”

21. Now this guy certainly has his mojo rising.

I wonder if this is Jim Morrison's personal ad. I mean he was born in early December, was of normal height, had brown hair and blue eyes, was a baritone who performed with the Doors, a lounge act, and considered himself a poet. Yet, if it is, offer is for a limited time only until he gets fat and is found dead in his bathtub in 1971 at 27.  It doesn't look good, ladies. And you don't want me to tell you about his substance abuse and reputed womanizing.

I wonder if this is Jim Morrison’s personal ad. I mean he was born in early December, was of normal height, had brown hair and blue eyes, was a baritone who performed with the Doors, a lounge act, and considered himself a poet. Yet, if it is, offer is for a limited time only until he gets fat and is found dead in his bathtub in 1971 at 27. It doesn’t look good, ladies. And you don’t want me to tell you about his substance abuse and reputed womanizing.

22. Of course, while some guys put out personal ads for hos, some try to get bros to do, you know, guy stuff.

Now I got to wonder about this guy's sexual orientation for methinks he may doth protesteth too much. I mean this ad screams closet case or as if he's trying to prove he's not light in the loafers by engaging in "manly" pursuits. Seriously, I have neighbors who go bowhunting together and they're husband and wife.

Now I got to wonder about this guy’s sexual orientation for methinks he may doth protesteth too much. I mean this ad screams closet case or as if he’s trying to prove he’s not light in the loafers by engaging in “manly” pursuits. Seriously, I have neighbors who go bow hunting together and they’re husband and wife.

23. Middle aged man seeks wife, no pretty rich bitches please!

This kind of reminds me of a personal ad you'd expect a guy like Jane Eyre's Mr. Rochester to write. Of course, the last part would read, "Oh, that mad woman in the attic? Totally not my wife."

This kind of reminds me of a personal ad you’d expect a guy like Jane Eyre’s Mr. Rochester to write. Of course, the last part would read, “Oh, that mad woman in the attic? Totally not my wife.”

24. Young beautiful woman seeks attractive sugar daddy.

Of course, this woman is what a guy like Kanye West would call a "gold digger." Sure this ad is from the 19th century, but c'mon, she's looking for a hot guy with a large bank account. Of course, note that she doesn't mention whether he has to be single.

Of course, this woman is what a guy like Kanye West would call a “gold digger.” Sure this ad is from the 19th century, but c’mon, she’s looking for a hot guy with a large bank account. Of course, note that she doesn’t mention whether he has to be single.

25. Single mom-to-be seeks stepfather because baby daddy is behind bars.

I'm sure any nice guy would be willing to be with a woman and raise somebody else's baby, particularly if its dad is rotting in the penitentiary. Well, if he really likes the kid's mother or is sterile. Seriously, this is messed up.

I’m sure any nice guy would be willing to be with a woman and raise somebody else’s baby, particularly if its dad is rotting in the penitentiary. Well, if he really likes the kid’s mother or is sterile. Seriously, this is messed up.

26. Handsome Italian businessman seeking lifelong companion to give up everything and join him in an undisclosed location.

Now I don't want to be stereotypical here or offend any Italians reading this. Yet, I'm not saying this guy is from the Mafia but reading about an "Italian businessman entering witness protection" you have to wonder. Seriously, ladies, you might want to take a pass on this one. Besides, being on witness protection is a bad time to post a personal ad.

Now I don’t want to be stereotypical here or offend any Italians reading this. Yet, I’m not saying this guy is from the Mafia but reading about an “Italian businessman entering witness protection” you have to wonder. Seriously, ladies, you might want to take a pass on this one. Besides, being on witness protection is a bad time to post a personal ad.

27. Homeless musician seeks vulnerable runaway who’s at least 18.

Well, the good news is a Dodge Dart isn't a windowless van. But still, I wonder how old this guy is. Let's hope he's at least under 30.

Well, the good news is a Dodge Dart isn’t a windowless van. But still, I wonder how old this guy is. Let’s hope he’s at least under 30.

28. Single man seeks woman so he can enjoy a threesome with his furniture.

I'm sure if he wanted any action with his antique Danish furniture, I'm sure he wouldn't post a personal ad in the paper. Unfortunately, English was not his best subject in school, which makes him the kind of guy who likes to hump inanimate objects.

I’m sure if he wanted any action with his antique Danish furniture, I’m sure he wouldn’t post a personal ad in the paper. Unfortunately, English was not his best subject in school, which makes him the kind of guy who likes to hump inanimate objects.

29. Farmer seeks housekeeper and possible girlfriend.

I know that this guy is lonely, but I think this farmer can't help himself with "mate" as if he wants to put his housekeeper together with a bull.

I know that this guy is lonely, but I think this farmer can’t help himself with “mate” as if he wants to put his housekeeper together with a bull or other animal.

30. Unemployed screenwriter in this 50s seeks 20 some blond girl as muse. Oh, she’s paying for her own dinner.

Hmmm....this almost seems like a personal ad Dixon Steele would post from In a Lonely Place since  he fits the guy's description though he may not be technically unemployed. Yet, he did date a 20 some blonde played by Gloria Grahame. Of course, he may have forgotten to include "under suspicion of murder" and "has major anger issues."

Hmmm….this almost seems like a personal ad Dixon Steele would post from In a Lonely Place since he fits the guy’s description though he may not be technically unemployed. Yet, he did date a 20 some blonde played by Gloria Grahame. Of course, he may have forgotten to include “under suspicion of murder” and “has major anger issues.”

31. Sometimes you can tell what a man does just by the way he describes himself.

This man is a mechanic since he's describing himself like he's a car. Of course, being a 1932 issue, it's no surprise he's a senior citizen who's had parts replaced.

This man is a mechanic since he’s describing himself like he’s a car. Of course, being a 1932 issue, it’s no surprise he’s a senior citizen who’s had parts replaced.

32. From how I read this, I guess this is a manga/anime nerd with a Japanese fetish.

By the way, endmame is preparation of immature soy bean pods while a bento box is a serving dish container mostly used for Japanese food. However, I'm not sure of what to make with "samurai sensuality" which may suggest that the author is female but I could be wrong.

By the way, edamame is an Asian preparation of immature soy bean pods while a bento box is a serving dish container mostly used for Japanese food. However, I’m not sure of what to make with “samurai sensuality” which may suggest that the author is female but I could be wrong. Then again, I’m not sure if this person knows what “edamame” or “bento box” mean.

33. Single male seeks single woman to entertain at kiddie birthday party?

Okay, if a guy wants someone to entertain for his kid's birthday party, I'm sure a clown of either sex would do nicely, especially when it pertains to balloon animals. This guy is looking for something more but won't admit it.

Okay, if a guy wants someone to entertain for his kid’s birthday party, I’m sure a clown of either sex would do nicely, especially when it pertains to balloon animals. This guy is looking for something more but won’t admit it.

34. For those seeking a good Christian man and an open marriage, you can’t do better than this guy ladies.

Of course, this guy is divorced. Apparently, the ex wasn't too keen on his unconventional lifestyle. Also likes skinny dipping just so you know.

Of course, this guy is divorced. Apparently, the ex wasn’t too keen on his unconventional lifestyle. Also likes skinny dipping just so you know.

35. Of course, some people like to post personal ads just to say how much they miss their ex or not.

When you first read this you think this guy wants his ex-girlfriend back. Turns out he just wants the TV. Man, what's with people these days?

When you first read this you think this guy wants his ex-girlfriend back. Turns out he just wants the TV. Man, what’s with people these days?

36. Well, when you hit a certain age, sometimes you have to be honest in your expectations.

Yeah, when you're a 69 year old woman, you really can't ask for fit and handsome, can you?

Yeah, when you’re a 69 year old woman, you really can’t ask for fit and handsome, can you? Of course, she’s probably honest about the low energy lifestyle since she’s overweight and likes to eat.

37. Be wary of the personal ad by those seeking forbidden fruit.

Let's see Palestinian woman wants to meet Jewish man and travel to Israel. What can possibly go wrong with that? I can name a lot of reasons why this woman is asking for trouble.

Let’s see Palestinian woman wants to meet Jewish man and travel to Israel. What can possibly go wrong with that? I can name a lot of reasons why this woman is asking for trouble.

38. When it comes to the rebound, some people just don’t know when they should start dating again.

Seems like Jim Stone isn't quite over Marcy Teddle despite her cheating on him. Seriously, he might need to see a therapist and work out his feels before putting himself out there. Did somebody say too soon?

Seems like Jim Stone isn’t quite over Marcy Teddle despite her cheating on him. Seriously, he might need to see a therapist and work out his feels before putting himself out there. Did somebody say too soon?

39. Some people think personal ads are beneath their dignity, others not so much.

Seems like this woman isn't afraid to put herself out there by putting down prospective suitors. Or lowering her standards in regards to men and footwear. Probably not helping her case.

Seems like this woman isn’t afraid to put herself out there by putting down prospective suitors. Or lowering her standards in regards to men and footwear. Probably not helping her case.

40. Some people can also use personal ads for not just getting a date but also seeking employment or shelter.

Man, this guy may be a homeless gold digger but at least he admits and is willing to work hard for his keep as a Pilates instructor/giggolo. Now I haven't heard that before.

Man, this guy may be a homeless gold digger but at least he admits and is willing to work hard for his keep as a Pilates instructor/gigolo. Now I haven’t heard that before.

41. Of course, unrealistic expectations don’t always have to pertain to looks.

Now outdoor enjoyment is fine but understanding DNA replication? That's kind of impossible. However, if this was Sheldon Cooper's personal ad, it somehow seemed to pay off.

Now outdoor enjoyment is fine but understanding DNA replication? That’s kind of impossible. However, if this was Sheldon Cooper’s personal ad, it somehow seemed to pay off on The Big Bang Theory.

42. Of course, it’s not single men who posts personals in the paper.

Ladies, remember when a guy's personal ad contains the word, "mistress" understand that he's married, not looking for anything serious or long term, and won't leave his wife for you. Nice try, Don Draper.

Ladies, remember when a guy’s personal ad contains the word, “mistress” understand that he’s married, not looking for anything serious or long term, and won’t leave his wife for you. Nice try, Don Draper.

43.Of course, there are some things happen in Vegas, that should stay in Vegas.

Man, whoever "Ann" is, seems like she'll be pretty embarrassed when she sees this. Also, I don't know what to make of the guy's picture. But at least he's smart enough to include it.

Man, whoever “Ann” is, seems like she’ll be pretty embarrassed when she sees this. Also, I don’t know what to make of the guy’s picture. But at least he’s smart enough to include it.

44. We all know that looks shouldn’t matter but some guys just can’t resist.

Basically this guy is saying to women, "I don't care what you look like as long as you fit into my ideal physical specifications. Hey, I'm not picky since I didn't specify race, color, creed or hair color." Well, he's probably the most open minded guy you'd see---at a Victora's Secret fashion show!

Basically this guy is saying to women, “I don’t care what you look like as long as you fit into my ideal physical specifications. Hey, I’m not picky since I didn’t specify race, color, creed or hair color.” Well, he’s probably the most open minded guy you’d see—at a Victora’s Secret fashion show!

45. Now when it comes to personal ads, it’s important that you’d be a nonsmoker to some, most of the time.

Apparently, this woman thinks that a "nonsmoker" is someone who only smokes cigarettes. However, conventional wisdom and/or personal experience shows that the vast majority of tobacco users usually smoke cigarettes. Seriously, almost all the smokers I've seen in my life use them.

Apparently, this woman thinks that a “nonsmoker” is someone who only smokes cigarettes. However, conventional wisdom and/or personal experience shows that the vast majority of tobacco users usually smoke cigarettes. Seriously, almost all the smokers I’ve seen in my life use them.

46. Crazy Christian lady seeks good Christian man.

I know that most people with mental health issues are perhaps only marginally violent as everyone else. Yet, I can't help looking at this and think about Margaret White from the famous Stephen King novel, Carrie. Yet, I don't think she was a schizophrenic. Just nuts.

I know that most people with mental health issues are perhaps only marginally violent as everyone else. Yet, I can’t help looking at this and think about Margaret White from the famous Stephen King novel, Carrie. Yet, I don’t think she was a schizophrenic. Just nuts.

47. Middle aged man seeks guy to hang out with him, play with trains and mutual touching. But is totally not gay.

This guy may be open about his model trains, but he's totally in the closet as far as I'm concerned. Also, the selfie kind of creeps me out.

This guy may be open about his model trains, but he’s totally in the closet as far as I’m concerned. Also, the selfie kind of creeps me out.

48. Even muppets can have personal ads. This is Snuffy’s.

Man, you remember watching Sesame Street as a child and when you read stuff by them, it kind of ruins your childhood. I'll certainly never think of Snuffy the same way again. By the way, how does he? Oh, never mind.

Man, you remember watching Sesame Street as a child and when you read stuff by them, it kind of ruins your childhood. I’ll certainly never think of Snuffy the same way again. By the way, how does he? Oh, never mind.

49. While some people have impossible relationship standards, others can’t raise their standards high enough.

This woman has a sever case of classic co-dependent syndrome. I bet the guy who fits the "you" description is probably her ex and I can see she may still miss him. This woman needs a therapist badly.

This woman has a sever case of classic co-dependent syndrome. I bet the guy who fits the “you” description is probably her ex and I can see she may still miss him. This woman needs a therapist badly.

50. When it comes to sexual harassment, sometimes people just take it a little bit to extreme.