The Funerary World of Coffins

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It is often said that funerals are more meant for the living than the deceased since it involves saying goodbye to a loved one. Of course, this year, I had to attend my grandfather’s funeral on the week of my birthday back in January. Now while it’s hard to deal with his loss for me and anyone else in my family, his death wasn’t much of a shock since he was 89 years old. Nevertheless, funerals are often big business since death is an inevitable part of the human existence. I mean sooner or later we’re all going to die. So we might as well get used to it. Funerals are a ritual in which we celebrate a recently dead person’s life before we send them on their way to the great beyond. Oftentimes this would involve embalming the person’s body and sticking them in a ludicrously expensive box known as a casket or coffin. For the next few days that body is on display for a viewing until just before the funeral in which they’re often shipped away to a place of worship and later the cemetery and six feet under. Normally a coffin is a long rectangular (or hexagonal) wooden (or metal) box which often contains a cloth liner and a pillow. Yet, there are some custom coffins out there which can be a little creative, which is where I come in. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of crazy coffins you’ll probably never see at anyone’s funeral. Enjoy.

  1. If your late nana always wanted to take a cruise but couldn’t, you might want to bury her in this.

There is a place in Ghana where they make custom made coffins like this. I guess this is for someone who worked on a cruise ship.

2. With a coffin like this, your dead pilot can reach the heavens in no time.

So what if it doesn’t actually fly. It’s just perfect for that one co-pilot on a flight to that great destination in the sky.

3. For a departed ballerina, a slipper casket will do.

Might be for Nina from Black Swan after she fatally stabbed herself. But it’s more likely for a dance teacher or choreographer.

4. Seems like John was a snooker man.

Because the balls here are all one color. Had he played pool, he would’ve been in more trouble a lot earlier.

5. Looks like this casket is bent over.

It’s actually a sitting coffin designed by surrealist Rene Magritte. You know him for his freaky paintings with the guy’s head behind an apple.

6. If you’re in a casket like this, it’s always hammer time.

That or it’s a perfect sendoff for a someone who was a real tool. Still, you don’t want to nail it in too hard.

7. Now this is a perfect send off for a real mother hen.

This is weird looking chicken. But I guess the deceased was a farmer. Though you can’t count them until they hatch.

8. This pink fish coffin is designed for those who let the big one get away.

Well, I guess there are pink fish in Africa. Still, talk about a fish out of water.

9. Of course, these coffins can give you the “fun” in funeral.

These one stand up and have faces on them. Not sure if they help ease the grieving process.

10. Your Uncle Stan may not be able to take his hot rod with him, but this is the next best thing.

I guess this casket didn’t come cheap. Then again, none of these do.

11. I’m guessing this was custom made for a woman.

Because it has boobs on it. Still, women have been buried in regular caskets for like ever.

12. For a funeral in Aspen, may I recommend an Alpine sendoff.

Well, this doesn’t seem too expensive. Just put the corpse in a bag and tie them to a sled with skis.

13. Now poor Charlie is literally in the jaws of death.

Yes, this is a shark coffin. I know what you’re thinking. But come on, I had to include one of these on my post.

14. Seems like this casket is someone’s key for the afterlife.

Though you’d be press to find a door it can unlock. Yet, it’s quite clever and simpler than some of the other designs.

15. A fancy car coffin should send you to that high end club in the sky.

Yes, there are coffins of cars, too. And this one’s windows are lined to give the dead person privacy.

16. There’s nothing like one last smoke before final departure.

Ever want to guess what killed this person. I think I have an idea. I mean it’s shaped like a cigarette so it’s practically obvious.

17. Before you go to the great beyond, remember to give us a call.

Turns out this Blackberry coffin has its own cover. Though the deceased is never calling back.

18. You’d find this casket rather reflective.

Well, it’s made from mirrors. Then again, light might bounce off of it if it’s a particularly sunny day.

19. How about be buried in a fancy eco-coffin?

These are cardboard coffins that disintegrate with the corpse over time. And they come in a variety of patterns.

20. If you’re on the highway to hell, why not have flames on your casket?

Yes, it certainly looks badass. Yet, you’d have to wonder who’d want to be buried in this.

21. Seems like fins are sticking out.

Actually the shark fins are part of the casket. Gives a more badass touch so to speak.

22. A Nintendo fan wouldn’t leave without their controls.

Sure the controls won’t work. But that doesn’t matter where this guy’s going.

23. He always wanted to go out with a bang.

Let’s hope that whatever this coffin looks like didn’t get him there. Because we all know what guns do to people.

24. How about you take your final trip in a convertible?

Well, you may not be able to get dates in it. Unless they happen to be among the choirs of angels.

25. You can say Brad lit up everyone’s lives.

That or he was a renowned electrician. Then again, even electricians will eventually burn out.

26. This eagle casket will certainly send your loved one soaring.

I have to admit, it has really nice feathers. Still, it’s more of a totem figure than anything.

27. For this deceased, it’s all 7s.

I guess this guy never had this much luck at a slot machine. Because no one ever does.

28. I guess who’s ever in there was a real basket case.

This is a wicker coffin and yes, it’s said to be eco friendly. Wonder if the Israelites put a dead Moses in one and sent him down the river. Oh, wait, they were in the desert. But it would’ve been an appropriate funeral for him.

29. If you’re in this coffin, chances are you’ll meet the Doctor at another time.

Well, I’m sure Doctor Who fans would want to be buried in this. Hope they don’t run into any Daleks along the way.

30. Your loved one will be camping forever in this one.

After all, people did camp in such trailers back in the day. And the windows have striped curtains.

31. Guess this woman is doing a solo on someone’s casket.

Well, it’s shaped like a large guitar. Yet, it’s a perfect sendoff for any well-known rock star.

32. Perhaps you might want a perfect picture of the afterlife.

This is a Canon. I’m sure it doesn’t work. But it certainly looks state of the art.

33. Send off your dead loved one in a casket of luxury.

By the way, this is what Michael Jackson’s coffin looked like. I’m sure it didn’t come cheap.

34. A boat motor coffin is perfect for whatever floats your boat.

Why a motor? Doesn’t make sense to me. Also does it float when you put it on the water?

35. A glass coffin always makes death transparent.

For some reason, I find the glass coffin idea kind of creepy. Must be due to Snow White, I guess.

36. If you want to make a statement, get buried in neon.

Now that’s my kind of coffin. Love the metallic stripes on it. So pretty.

37. Seems like a late DJ can drop a few beats.

Yet, I’m sure the club in the sky will have a very good selection. In fact, many of the musicians themselves are there.

38. Who’s said that a coffin should fit one when this fits 3?

There’s actually a sad story behind this one. So I won’t recall it. But yes, these do exist.

39. If you want a custom made coffin, this seems like a good fit.

Seems more like a containment chamber than a coffer. But hey, to each his own.

40. With this coffin, you can play video games for all eternity.

I’m sure plenty of people would want that. Yet, how can you play video games if you’re dead?

41. Instead of just a box, how about add a box kite?

After all, death should be a time when one should fly. Because death is always forever.

42. Perhaps it’s best to bury him the way they found him.

I guess they have a crime scene coffin, too. Not sure if that’s right. But it looks pretty funny.

43. For those who love beer, it’s an honor to be buried in a Pabst blue label.

Hope this person didn’t die from liver cirrhosis. Because alcoholism is a major problem right now.

44. This coffin was made for a real NASCAR sendoff.

Yet, if you want the real thing, make sure it crashes and burns into another coffin just like it. Not sure if that’s possible though.

45. This Twix coffin was built for 2.

Because Twix come in packs of 2. Hope you can get the picture here.

46. Lie in this coffin and nobody will forget you.

This is another Ghana coffin. Notice that it’s more in a traditional style.

47. You’d almost think this coffin was somebody’s dream house.

Well, sort of. But it certainly has a nice roof and porch to it. Love it.

48. This guy must’ve been a real monkey wrench back in his day.

Well, at least that one was easier to make than the hammer. But I wonder how you’d bury it.

49. Nothing makes a great send off than lying in a flamboyant lizard.

Well, if you can’t get buried in a dinosaur, then this must be the next best thing. But it’s still pretty cool.

50. Now this is how you pay tribute to an American hero.

Too bad the military just sticks with regular wooden coffins and draped flags. This seems more appropriate.

51. A dead piano player has to lie in this classy coffin.

This one even has keys on the side. Sure they don’t work, but it’s quite grand.

52. Looks like this coffin has received a lot of signage.

Though signing one’s casket isn’t usually a funerary tradition. Then again, to each his own.

53. An ocean lover would certainly would like to lie in this squid.

Then again, they’s probably prefer fish. But this seems like it can float one’s boat.

54. How about the porcelain treatment?

It’s just a wooden box with porcelain designs. Seems more appropriate for a china closet than 6 feet under.

55. This Nikon coffin is very state of the art.

Even resembles a real camera. May not take pretty pictures. But doesn’t look half bad.

56. Any last concessions?

I mean it’s a concession stand casket. But Quaker is the only brand I recognize.

57. How about a call back with this Nokia coffin?

This one even has a video screen. And I also hear it’s rather indestructible, too.

58. Ever wish you can be buried in your yacht? Now you can.

Well, sort of. Doesn’t quite resemble a yacht. But it’ll probably cost you an arm and a leg.

59. Bet you’re sure where this train car is going to take you.

Well, it more or less resembles a passenger car, not an engine. Because I couldn’t find the train engine. But this works.

60. Wonder how well this coffins projects this person’s life.

Then again, it seems this person worked at a movie theater. Though the reels don’t have film.

61. Seems like the fine wine has gone to vinegar in this casket.

Still, it’s kind of strange to have a bottle in the cask. Like the guy is a bottle.

62. He who’s buried in the remote controls all.

And this is for a Philips DVD player. All right, but you can’t push the buttons.

63. If you can’t be buried in your luxury ride, this luxury coffin will do.

Sure it might be real nice on the inside. But the only trip this thing will take you is 6 feet under.

64. Never thought you could be buried in a vise.

After all, a vise isn’t among the cool tools out there. Still, I wonder if it has any adjustments.

65. Wouldn’t necessarily call it a walkman. More like a lie-man.

Well, it’s in the shape of a walkman which people haven’t used for years. It’s kind of like an obsolete mp3 player.

66. Imagine yourself lying dead inside this scary lobster.

Well, that’s a gruesome lobster coffin. Definitely don’t want to be buried in that.

67. You’ll probably burn being buried in a red hot chili pepper.

You’d think this place in Ghana would make coffins of just about anything. Not surprised by this.

68. If you’re holy, you’d might want a coffin of biblical proportions.

Even has gold leaf on the pages and title. Just like a Bible should. But you’ll only find a body in this one.

69. In this coffin, you can write your own eternity.

Heard they have one that’s specifically for her. As if women haven’t been using these for decades.

70. Perhaps you might opt for a Venetian sendoff.

Because in Venice, they travel through canal boats since a lot of their streets are waterways. Though don’t ask for a gondola to sing for you there.

71. I guess this guy lying here was a bit of an old timer.

After all, it’s the kind of car you’d see on Downton Abbey. Still, whoever’s in that coffin better be old.

72. This gives a whole new meaning to “one foot in the grave.”

And it seems to be a Nike sneaker in this case. Even has its own laces.

73. The iDie brings the latest in funerary technology.

Something tells me that Steve Jobs was buried in this. I mean he invented the thing.

74. Now this coffin appears as pretty as a peacock.

Well, it certainly has a vivid feather train. And the man who made it is very proud of himself.

75. This turtle coffin takes the slow course to the cemetery.

Though you have to admire the shell shades on this one. Colors really go together.

76. How about a beer coffin by the bottle?

Guess this is a Ghana brand. Yet, “Club Beer” is hardly an original name if you ask me.

77. This coffin seems to have money all over it.

Guess this will be Donald Trump’s coffin when he dies. Because money seems to be among the few things that matter to him.

78. Uh, isn’t that bag a bit too large for carry-on luggage.

Caption: “Student Kirsten stands next to a coffin looking like a travel bag in a museum in Kassel, central Germany, Thursday, June 9, 2005. The exhibition called “crazy coffins” contains 16 different coffins and is open from June 9 to September 4.”

79. You’ve heard of rolling in Benjamins. How about lying in them?

Yes, this coffin is a stack of money. Only meant for the 1% who basically take it from the rest of us day in and day out.

80. A fallen deer hunter should always receive this special treatment.

Bet my neighbors will get a kick out of this. It even includes camo coffin liner.

81. May you lie in your final resting spot well grilled to perfection.

Now this’ll make your next summer barbeque an awkward experience. But I think it’s quite amusing.

82. Sometimes one might want to go with a more concept coffin design.

Basically it says that one’s deceased loved one was basically like leftover restaurant food. Come on, that totally is styrofoam.

83. Even in death you should always put your best foot forward.

This one is a more manly shoe. And it has been shine you can see yourself in it.

84. Hop aboard this plane for great luxury seating arrangements.

Too bad it only sits one. But at least the pink lining goes with the blue paint.

85. Perhaps you shouldn’t mind lying exposed sometimes.

Not sure why they have a coffin like this. Still, you can open it behind the boobs.

86. A dead fisherman should be sent off in this big beauty.

Yes, it’s my third fish coffin on this post. And yes, it’s pink. But it a white stripe on its belly.

87. How’d you like to be in this bottle of Coca Cola?

It even stands up on its own, too. Anyway, wouldn’t want to be in there.

88. This Hello Kitty coffin is a rather girly delight.

Actually it’s kind of creepy. I mean Hello Kitty is for little girls. Little girls stuff shouldn’t be on coffins.

89. For a majestic soul, you might want to lie in this lion coffin.

This one seems to take a lot of craftsmanship. Check out the detail on that mane.

90. This coffin was brought to you by Ghana Air.

Yes, I had to include this one. Because that’s where a lot of these outrageous coffins were made.

91. If you’re in Sergeant Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band, try this coffin for size.

Bob must’ve been a die hard Beatles fan to be buried in this coffin. Yet, 2 of the guys on the side are still alive.

92. With this Viking boat coffin, you can give your loved one a send off fit for a warrior.

Just make sure you set it on fire as you set it on the water. Because that’s what happens at a Viking funeral.

93. How’d you like to be buried in a bottle of Jack Daniels?

Bet that would be fine with people who’d eventually die from Jack Daniels. Like Frank Sinatra for instance.

94. Well, since your funeral is a final sendoff, you might as well go with this.

Sure it depicts Da Vinci’s Last Supper. But c’mon, it’s a Renaissance masterpiece for God’s sake.

95. May this Tupperware coffin always keep your remains fresh.

After all, Hannibal Lecter has given these good reviews on Amazon. Okay, I’m getting a little too weird here.

96. This Panasonic coffin can always capture the moment.

Well, it would certainly give you a moment you’d remember. Because most coffins aren’t shaped like cameras at all.

97. Be buried in a way that’s fitting to any Starfleet officer.

Notice that it’s yellow for a command officer. Because redshirt bodies are normally left behind on the planet.

98. Seems like someone was murdered in here.

Actually that’s part of the casket. I know someone has a very sick sense of humor.

99. Seems like this nurse has had her last shot.

And they’re apparently burying her in a hypodermic needle. Quite fitting if you ask me.

100. You can easily sit on this casket if you want to.

It’s made to resemble a bench. Even has a leather lid you can sit on. Imagine that.

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Death Notices with the Last Word in the Obituary Section

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Obituaries aren’t interesting reads since they’re supposed to inform readers of those who recently passed away, especially if it’s someone they knew. Most of the time they usually list the names of the deceased, their occupations and associations, family members, and funeral arrangements. Some may be touching, but they’re not very fun to read about either. And then there are the obituaries in which the deceased’s picture doesn’t match the person’s relative age at death. I mean you know how an obit opens with a young looking guy only to learn that he passed away at 92. Now I can understand if he was a movie star, a noted athlete, or Captain America. But some old guy who fought in World War II? Come on, chances are that he won’t look that hot at 92, for Christ’s sake! His grandkids didn’t remember him looking like that. Put in a more recent picture. Still, obituaries tend to be written by the next of kin, some of whom horribly suck at it as I described. Sometimes this is an easy process but other times it’s not. However, in this post, we’ll look at an assortment of death notices that break the traditional obituary criteria. Or those that are just very funny. So without further adieu, I present to you a treasury of obituary notices that try to get the last word. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

  1. Here lies John Micheal McMahan who died as a result of being stubborn, refusing to take doctor’s (or anyone else’s) orders, and raising hell for a little more than 3 decades. Left no children (that we know of).
This guy seemed to be quite a character. Loved how they said they'll escort anyone in a suit and Sunday's best to their vehicles and that there may be profanity and alcohol involved. Also, said to bring something to stick on his casket if you just want to irritate him.

This guy seemed to be quite a character. Loved how they said they’ll escort anyone in a suit and Sunday’s best to their vehicles and that there may be profanity and alcohol involved. Also, said to bring something to stick on his casket if you just want to irritate him.

2. In lieu of flowers, the Unsworth family respectfully asked that donations be made to the American Cancer Society or anyone running against Barack Obama in 2012.

Let's just say whoever contributed to the American Cancer Society had their money well spent. To anyone running against Obama in 2012, not so much. I mean, Obama is still president as of 2015.

Let’s just say whoever contributed to the American Cancer Society had their money well spent. To anyone running against Obama in 2012, not so much. I mean, Obama is still president as of 2015.

3. RIP Larry Upright, loving husband, father, grandfather, and hater of Hillary Clinton.

Let's just say if any of my relatives want me to write their obituaries, I'd just omit any political references. Also, let's just say that I'm totally willing to vote for Hillary if she ends up the Democratic nominee. Let's just say she'd be the safer choice than the alternative.

Let’s just say if any of my relatives want me to write their obituaries, I’d just omit any political references. Also, let’s just say that I’m totally willing to vote for Hillary if she ends up the Democratic nominee. Let’s just say she’d be the safer choice than the alternative.

4. Of course, obituaries don’t have to be long and this one gets straight to the point.

Man, how many people wish they can do an obituary in two words or less like this guy. Just

Man, how many people wish they can do an obituary in two words or less like this guy. Just “Doug died” and nothing else.

5. Please pray for the loss of Stephen Merrill whose young life was cut short due to an uppercut by Batman.

He actually didn't die that way. His family wrote it thinking it was how he wanted to be remembered. The real cause was most likely testicular cancer. So sad.

He actually didn’t die that way. His family wrote it thinking it was how he wanted to be remembered. The real cause was most likely testicular cancer. So sad.

6. Condolences to the family of James Robert “Beef” Ward also known as Jimmy, Pork, and Bubba.

This guy certainly had a sense of humor as did his family. Their nicknames are hysterical. His mom is

This guy certainly had a sense of humor as did his family. Their nicknames are hysterical. His mom is “Buffalo Butt”, dad is “Old Fart,” has sisters named, “Turtle,” “Hamburger,” and “Amos,” and a daughter, “Thunder Child.” The pet names seem rather normal in comparison.

7. Please remember James “Jim” William Adams, whose long illness deprived him of his final wish.

Well, we don't all get to die by being run over by a beer truck on our way to the liquor store. Still, wishes that his funeral could just be a booze fest at some water hole.

Well, we don’t all get to die by being run over by a beer truck on our way to the liquor store. Still, wishes that his funeral could just be a booze fest at some water hole.

8. We know we shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, but sometimes even that’s not possible.

Man, seems like this Dolores was a real bitch.

Man, seems like this Dolores was a real bitch. “Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society, and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life.” Yeah, she probably won’t be missed.

9. RIP Knoizki who died in a hot tub muttering death threats to anyone willing to listen. He will be missed.

Didn't know that they had a hot tub at a military base. Thought they didn't have such luxuries.

Didn’t know that they had a hot tub at a military base. Thought they didn’t have such luxuries. Then again, he might’ve been an officer.

10. RIP: Roosevelt Conway, not that you would like the guy if you met him.

Now whoever who wrote this really didn't say a lot nice things about this guy. But at least his obituary is pretty entertaining. Liked

Now whoever who wrote this really didn’t say a lot nice things about this guy. But at least his obituary is pretty entertaining. Liked “Homegoing Celebration.”

11. Condolences to the family of Louis Casmir Jr., an unremarkable daredevil.

Man, this guy was a real lucky bastard with his last words being,

Man, this guy was a real lucky bastard with his last words being, “Watch this!” Makes me wonder how he died.

12. Mrs. Scrobola is survived by her children, a shitload of grand-children, and one big great-grandchild.

Yeah, wonder how they managed to get away with,

Yeah, wonder how they managed to get away with, “shitload of grandchildren.” Guess she just had too many to mention.

13. Frank Waller was a unique character. By “unique character” we mean asshole.

Yeah, writing an honest obituary is tough, especially if the deceased wasn't so nice. I get the Mr. Waller was the rich guy who everyone in town didn't like.

Yeah, writing an honest obituary is tough, especially if the deceased wasn’t so nice. I get the Mr. Waller was the rich guy who everyone in town didn’t like.

14. Mrs. Anello was survived by her dutiful son as well as a son and daughter who were ungrateful brats.

She may have been a loving wife and mother. But her kids never seemed to get along with each other. According to her obituary, that is.

She may have been a loving wife and mother. But her kids never seemed to get along with each other. According to her obituary, that is.

15. RIP: Walter George Bruhl Jr., a dead person.

This guy must've been quite the character. He loved Monty Python and hated his wife wearing fur. His intro reads like lines from the Dead Parrot sketch.

This guy must’ve been quite the character. He loved Monty Python and hated his wife wearing fur. His intro reads like lines from the Dead Parrot sketch.

16. Here lies Fritz Seidenstuecker, a 6 year old German Shepherd.

Since when did people write obituaries for their pets? Seriously, most people don't make obits for their pets.

Since when did people write obituaries for their pets? Seriously, most people don’t make obits for their pets. Also, the guy’s owner could’ve gave him water.

17. RIP: Larmondo “Flair” Allen, “entrepreneur” and father of 9.

By

By “entrepreneur” they mean it as a nice little term for “drug dealer.” Honestly, I checked up on that. Besides, for a guy with 9 kids by 25, he doesn’t seem to come up with very original names.

18. Here lies Ian, teenage bacon and rootbeer connoisseur.

It's always sad to see obits pertaining to kids, especially if their death was a shock. But the rootbeer and bacon part is pretty funny.

It’s always sad to see obits pertaining to kids, especially if their death was a shock. But the rootbeer and bacon part is pretty funny.

19. RIP Peter, the cricket watching cat.

This is from Britain and

This is from Britain and “cricket” here is a sport that’s like a cross between croquet and baseball. Still, he must’ve been a team mascot or something.

20. Here lies a young woman who died after being asleep for 24 years.

Hmm...getting in the obits for sleeping. Highly unbelievable. Seriously, I don't know what to make out from this.

Hmm…getting in the obits for sleeping. Highly unbelievable. Seriously, I don’t know what to make out from this.

21. Here lies Owen Kobin, a guy who liked food and a lot of other stuff.

Notice how

Notice how “food” appears a total of 4 times? Must’ve been very into it. By the way, this one’s from Florida.

22. RIP: Jack Goff. Yeah, that’s his name.

Ironically, this guy lived as an IRS agent for 47 years. Guess a lot of people didn't like him very much, especially in April.

Ironically, this guy lived as an IRS agent for 47 years. Guess a lot of people didn’t like him very much, especially in April.

23. Count Goddfried von Bismarck: hedonist aristocrat and proud.

This guy seems like quite the character. Reading this you have to wonder what this guy hasn't tried.

This guy seems like quite the character. Reading this you have to wonder what this guy hadn’t tried. I’ll let you read it for yourself.

24. Of course, if an obituary reads, “In loving memory of our Dick” there’s nothing that will make it less unintentionally funny.

I get that Dick is a nickname for Richard. But still, even though it's an attempt at a touching tribute, you can't help but laugh reading it.

I get that Dick is a nickname for Richard. But still, even though it’s an attempt at a touching tribute, you can’t help but laugh reading it.

25. With sadness we mourn the loss of John R. Gaines, who died by losing the cure for cancer in an underground high stakes bingo game with Chuck Norris.

Now this guy clearly died of cancer. But I have to admit, losing to Chuck Norris in high stakes bingo does seem like an awesome way to die. Well, at least to him.

Now this guy clearly died of cancer. But I have to admit, losing to Chuck Norris in high stakes bingo does seem like an awesome way to die. Well, at least to him.

26. RIP Big Al, a guy who always told it like it is and loved to swear.

Now this guy wasn't living to far from where I live. Still, I have to admit that he's right about PennDOT. Yeah, road construction does seem endless.

Now this guy wasn’t living to far from where I live. Still, I have to admit that he’s right about PennDOT. Yeah, road construction does seem endless.

27. Condolences to the family of Aaron Joseph Purmort a.k.a. Spiderman.

Actually he's not Spiderman. Just a young dad who died of cancer, which is mentioned in its own way. And no, he wasn't married to Gwen Stefani either.

Actually he’s not Spiderman. Just a young dad who died of cancer, which is mentioned in its own way. And no, he wasn’t married to Gwen Stefani either.

28. Of course, many obituaries contain pictures of the deceased. However, I’ve never seen one like this.

Now his obituary in the text is quite normal. However, his picture kind of emphasizes his sense of humor. Still, at least it'll make the stylist's job at the funeral home much easier.

Now his obituary in the text is quite normal. However, his picture kind of emphasizes his sense of humor. Still, at least it’ll make the stylist’s job at the funeral home much easier.

29. RIP Fred Clark who never peed in the shower-on purpose.

He's also another guy deprived of his final wish of being run over by a beer truck on the way to a liquor store. Also, wanted a booze fest funeral. Seriously, what's with men?

He’s also another guy deprived of his final wish of being run over by a beer truck on the way to a liquor store. Also, wanted a booze fest funeral. Seriously, what’s with men?

30. Tudy Kenyon died on Friday the 13th….finally.

Guess this one operates on the principle,

Guess this one operates on the principle, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all.” Probably wasn’t very popular.

31. Condolences to the family of beloved Principle Bill Eves and let er’ rip.

The guy's picture on this obit is priceless. Known to educate people on the dangers of holding one's farts. Also swore a lot.

The guy’s picture on this obit is priceless. Known to educate people on the dangers of holding one’s farts. Also swore a lot.

32. In memorial to composer John Stump, a shy and reclusive eccentric who hated having his picture taken.

John Stump? Never really heard of him. Then again, I really don't keep tabs on a lot of composers in Hollywood anyway. Still, this obit is pretty funny.

John Stump? Never really heard of him. Then again, I really don’t keep tabs on a lot of composers in Hollywood anyway. Still, this obit is pretty funny.

33. Here lies Graham Mason, journalist and raging alcoholic.

After reading most of his obituary, what amazes me most about him is that he died from emphysema. Then again, he most likely smoked, too. But I expected him to die of liver cirrhosis.

After reading most of his obituary, what amazes me most about him is that he died from emphysema. Then again, he most likely smoked, too. But I expected him to die of liver cirrhosis or alcohol poisoning.

34. RIP Norma Rae Brewer who died of hypothermia while climbing Mount Kilimanjaro.

This woman actually said she died while climbing Kilimanjaro as a joke for her friends. In reality, she actually died of a stroke. Boy, were her friends disappointed.

This woman actually said she died while climbing Kilimanjaro as a joke for her friends. In reality, she actually died of a stroke. Boy, were her friends disappointed.

35. We mourn the passing of Michel Sven Vedvik whose untimely demise was caused by the Seahawks’ lousy play.

Man, guess the Patriots winning the Super Bowl cost this guy's life. Wonder if he's ever heard of Deflategate.

Man, guess the Patriots winning the Super Bowl cost this guy’s life. Wonder if he’s ever heard of Deflategate. Probably had.

36. RIP Josiah A. Abeler, a Minnesota Twins fan who was angry at Joe Mauer and a Packers fan who once liked Bret Favre.

Funny, I wonder what made him stop liking Bret Favre. Oh, I think it might have something to do with Favre's sexting habit. That might do it.

Funny, I wonder what made him stop liking Bret Favre. Oh, I think it might have something to do with Favre’s sexting habit. That might do it.

37. In memory of Marianne Therese Johnson-Reddick, may that awful mother rot in Hell.

Yes, I know that child abuse is real and parents continue to abuse their kids when they grow up. But this is not the kind of obituary you see every day. So it goes on this post.

Yes, I know that child abuse is real and parents continue to abuse their kids when they grow up. But this is not the kind of obituary you see every day. So it goes on this post.

38. Seems like Kevin McGroaty has achieved room temperature.

I think this might be another guy from the Pittsburgh area. Of course, it's pretty funny that I might want to leave this to the reader's judgement.

I think this might be another guy from the Pittsburgh area. Of course, it’s pretty funny that I might want to leave this to the reader’s judgement.

39. Please pray for the family of Sam Lickteig who died of complications from MS and a heartbreaking disappointment caused by the Kansas City Chiefs.

Man, guess that Pittsburgh isn't the only town with a football problem. Guess the Chiefs weren't doing too well that season.

Man, guess that Pittsburgh isn’t the only town with a football problem. Guess the Chiefs weren’t doing too well that season.

40. RIP Mary Corbett principal and bagpipe enthusiast who died of lung cancer.

Hmm....guess this woman also liked to smoke, too, which explains the lung cancer bit. Still, wonder what her preschool students thought about her bagpiping.

Hmm….guess this woman also liked to smoke, too, which explains the lung cancer bit. Still, wonder what her preschool students thought about her bagpiping.

41. Here lies Michael “Flathead” Blanchard who enjoyed booze, guns, cars, and younger women until the day he died.

He's also insisted that his funeral not be attended by anyone under 18. You can guess what kind of stories he wants his buddies to share.

He’s also insisted that his funeral not be attended by anyone under 18. You can guess what kind of stories he wants his buddies to share. I’d expect an obit like this come from the John Goodman character from The Big Lebowski.

42. Please pray for the soul of Scott Entsminger, a lifelong and disappointed Cleveland Browns fan.

Yes, I know it's hard to be a Cleveland Browns fan. However, as someone from the Pittsburgh area, I'm not exactly sure that I have it in me to sympathize with him.

Yes, I know it’s hard to be a Cleveland Browns fan. However, as someone from the Pittsburgh area, I’m not exactly sure that I have it in me to sympathize with him. Still, he could’ve switched his allegiance to the Baltimore Ravens who got their start as the Cleveland Browns in his childhood.

43. Captain Donald Malcolm Jr. died nestled in the bosom of his family while smoking, drinking whiskey, and telling lies. Also of stomach cancer.

This guy died of stomach cancer because of his terrible health habits. Because if you continue that, you're bound to die while younger than my dad.

This guy died of stomach cancer because of his terrible health habits. Because if you continue that, you’re bound to die while younger than my dad.

44. In memorial to Hannah Murton, Taunton, New York’s resident crazy lady.

Now this woman was strange. Not only did she make a vow of virginity, she also had a coffin she'd lie in when she felt she was going to be sick. She also used it to store her bread, cheese, and clothes. Yeah, what a wacko.

Now this woman was strange. Not only did she make a vow of virginity, she also had a coffin she’d lie in when she felt she was going to be sick. She also used it to store her bread, cheese, and clothes. Yeah, what a wacko.

45. Please pray for the soul of Toni Larroux, a loyal customer of the Waffle House.

Seems like a long suffering woman if you read her obituary. I bet her son is embarrassed about what she wrote about him.

Seems like a long suffering woman if you read her obituary. I bet her son is embarrassed about what she wrote about him.

46. Jack Jones enjoyed cars, Indy car racing, and movie trivia.

Let's hope his love for racing contributed to his demise. Also, wishes everyone to watch the new James Bond movie. I think it was Skyfall, if I remembered. Dan Craig was good, but the movie--meh.

Let’s hope his love for racing contributed to his demise. Also, wishes everyone to watch the new James Bond movie. I think it was Skyfall, if I remembered. Dan Craig was good, but the movie–meh.

47. Here lies Charles Martin in his favorite comfy chair.

Of course, he had at least 10 grankids but that's a continuing discussion. Of course, the funeral was over before this obit came.

Of course, he had at least 10 grankids but that’s a continuing discussion. Of course, the funeral was over before this obit came.

48. Please pray for the soul of Fleetus Gobble. He has gone cold turkey.

Now this guy's obituary is quite normal and lists his death as a heart attack. Still, anyone with the surname of Gobble is hard to take seriously.

Now this guy’s obituary is quite normal and lists his death as a heart attack. Still, anyone with the surname of Gobble is hard to take seriously.

49. Here lies Jeffery Riek, a guy who never wanted nothing from nobody.

Unfortunately, grammatically speaking, he always wanted something from somebody. You know how double negatives work. Loved how he described his family.

Unfortunately, grammatically speaking, he always wanted something from somebody. You know how double negatives work. Loved how he described his family.

50. Here lies Moe Lester. Yeah, I know pretty unfortunate.

Maybe they should've stuck to his full name like Moses Lester. Moe Lester sounds a bit too creepy if you ask me.

Maybe they should’ve stuck to his full name like Moses Lester. Moe Lester sounds a bit too creepy if you ask me.

51. Please pray for the soul of Father Firmus Dick.

 I'd expect a guy with that name to at least be a guy who does porno movies. Not a priest. Seriously, that name is just a really terrible name for a priest. Or for anybody.

I’d expect a guy with that name to at least be a guy who does porno movies. Not a priest. Seriously, that name is just a really terrible name for a priest. Or for anybody.

52. “Explorer Grant Dies, Prayed for Death One Year.”

Of course, since that guy had health problems, I bet being unable to shoot big creatures and travel made his life meaningless. Wonder what the

Of course, since that guy had health problems, I bet being unable to shoot big creatures and travel made his life meaningless. Wonder what the “swan dance” was like for him. Maybe I don’t want to know.

53. Well, at least Tom Brady can be happy that at least one old lady supported him during Deflategate.

Yes, Patricia Shong was a mild mannered woman. But when it came to allegations of deflated footballs, she vigorously defended Brady's innocence until the end. I kind of think her defense was very much undeserved since Brady was truly guilty.

Yes, Patricia Shong was a mild mannered woman. But when it came to allegations of deflated footballs, she vigorously defended Brady’s innocence until the end. I kind of think her defense was very much undeserved since Brady was truly guilty.

54. Here lies Chan Holcombe, a guy who was circumcised with his dad’s pocketknife.

Now I have nothing against male circumcision, even in infancy. However, I don't think the pocketknife was sanitary. Best be done by a doctor.

Now I have nothing against male circumcision, even in infancy. However, I don’t think the pocketknife was sanitary. Best be done by a doctor or rabbi.

55. Here lies William McCullough, the man, the myth, the legend.

Now I don't know anything about this guy. But he seemed to have a big ego. I'm sure his diet might've led to his early death.

Now I don’t know anything about this guy. But he seemed to have a big ego. I’m sure his diet might’ve led to his early death.

56. RIP Amos Shuchman, a man who loved everything in New York except the New York Times.

Yeah, as a New York Jew, you have to find him at least complaining about something. Still pretty funny.

Yeah, as a New York Jew, you have to find him at least complaining about something. Still pretty funny. Ironically, this was found in The New York Times.

57. Of course, as she goes, Pink wants to leave with some advice.

Pink wants everyone to know that old pantyhose are really useful in a lot of things. And that you can use a BBQ brush to scare off a possum.

Pink wants everyone to know that old pantyhose are really useful in a lot of things. And that you can use a BBQ brush to scare off a possum.

58. Here lies Johnny “Big Buck,” ladies’ man, game slayer, urban cowboy, and outlaw. He will be missed.

From reading this, you get the impression he used antlers in all of his decorating. Also said to like smart brunette women. Hmmm...

From reading this, you get the impression he used antlers in all of his decorating. Also said to like smart brunette women. Hmmm…

59. Here lies Mary Stocks who had more stuff than she knew what to do with.

I tried to preserve as much of the article as I can with the snipping tool. Of course, her obituary is a riot so I'll leave it up to the reader to decide.

I tried to preserve as much of the article as I can with the snipping tool. Of course, her obituary is a riot so I’ll leave it up to the reader to decide.

60. Here we honor Elaine Frydrych, an entertainer who didn’t like Hillary Clinton.

Yeah, seems like Hillary isn't that popular among dead people. I wonder why that is. Well, maybe I'll never know.

Yeah, seems like Hillary isn’t that popular among dead people. I wonder why that is. Well, maybe I’ll never know.

61. Katherine Moore would like to say goodbye and peace out.

Yeah, I bet this woman had quite a sense of humor. That or this was the only picture they could find of her.

Yeah, I bet this woman had quite a sense of humor. That or this was the only picture they could find of her.

62. Please mourn the loss of Jade Cara Downwind.

And it seems her family has opted to go with her bitchy resting face. Not sure if she had an unhappy life or if this was the only one her family could find.

And it seems her family has opted to go with her bitchy resting face. Not sure if she had an unhappy life or if this was the only one her family could find.

63. Pleas offer condolences to the family of Richard A. “Dick” Butt who passed at 93.

Yeah, I don't think Mr. and Mrs. Butt used good judgement when giving their son a name. But at least they didn't live to see it. I mean the guy died at 93.

Yeah, I don’t think Mr. and Mrs. Butt used good judgement when giving their son a name. But at least they didn’t live to see it. I mean the guy died at 93.

64. Stig Kernell just wants everyone to know that he’s dead.

It's from Sweden but that's just what it says. And it just gives the date as April 6.

It’s from Sweden but that’s just what it says. And it just gives the date as April 6, 2014.

65. Now here’s just an obit from an old goat who died at a ripe old age.

Of course, who ever was responsible for this obit should've used a better graphic. This one might give us the wrong impression.

Of course, who ever was responsible for this obit should’ve used a better graphic. This one might give us the wrong impression.

66. Of course, Eddie Meduza wants to give his sister something before he goes.

Not sure what the power gliders reference was about. Guess they don't have a word for it in Swedish.

Not sure what the power gliders reference was about. Guess they don’t have a word for it in Swedish.

67. Here lies Carole Roberson who for all her faults will still be missed.

This might be a little hard to read if you don't zoom in more. However, they said her e-mails to her family were unintentionally hilarious. And she was a horrendous mom and mother-in-law.

This might be a little hard to read if you don’t zoom in more. However, they said her e-mails to her family were unintentionally hilarious. And she was a horrendous mom and mother-in-law.

68. Thurman Winston left a wife, children, grandchildren, and a bunch of backstabbing mother fuckers who owed him money.

Looks like someone needed to make a point about that. Yeah, somehow he gave people money who never paid him back.

Looks like someone needed to make a point about that. Yeah, somehow he gave people money who never paid him back.

69. Now before Val Patterson goes, he’d like to confess to something.

Well, if you want to get something off your chest about being a fake Ph.D. and stealing a safe, an obituary is the best place to do it. Of course, the police won't be able to arrest you after you're dead.

Well, if you want to get something off your chest about being a fake Ph.D. and stealing a safe, an obituary is the best place to do it. Of course, the police won’t be able to arrest you after you’re dead.

70. Here lies the Reverend George Ferguson, Canada’s con man preacher.

May be an example in religious hypocrisy. However, at lest his obituary is very entertaining if I do say so myself.

May be an example in religious hypocrisy. However, at lest his obituary is very entertaining if I do say so myself.

Not in My Name: Why I Oppose Capital Punishment

state-death-penalty-image-yes-no

For much of our history capital punishment has been seen as method to execute criminals (especially in Texas). However, as flawed as our justice system is, many support the death penalty for certain criminals since many of them committed such heinous crimes (or were accused of them), then they must pay. Some argue that it provides closure for the families of murder victims in a way that justice has been served. Some say it deters crime since most people fear capital punishment anyway as well as keep the costs of prison down. However, while the death penalty has been one of the oldest forms of legal punishment in history I have always harbored significant doubts on its morality as well as its effectiveness against deterring crime (yet it’s still legal in Pennsylvania as well as the US). Sure plenty of people fear death and would go out of their way to avoid the ultimate penalty, but are death sentences really worth it? It has already been abolished or ceased practice in 139 countries and in most democratic nations it is applied in only the rarest of cases. And recently, many US states have either abolished the death penalty or taken steps to do so even in red states like West Virginia or Alaska. Yet, many people of both parties remain convinced that capital punishment is a viable form of justice on some certain level. And while the EU has staged an embargo on the drug used for legal injections, some states have tried to find cheaper and more efficient alternatives like a firing squad. Here is a list on why I oppose the death penalty.

1. Support in death penalty is culturally based. Believe it or not, most people who support the death penalty do so because they were raised with the idea as a viable form of punishment. Since capital punishment has been around in nearly every civilization for thousands of years, but just because it’s always been around doesn’t necessarily make it right. However, old ideas don’t always die when you want them to and there are people who still believe that cold-blooded killers deserve to die and our culture gleefully promotes this concept since this is what usually happens to bad guys. To these people seeing a convicted criminal executed is proof that the system works regardless of other implications so much so that they would say anything to justify why capital punishment should remain.Thus, belief in capital punishment has much more to do with one’s culture than systematic effectiveness overall.

2. The death penalty fails to recognize a guilty person’s potential to change and denies an opportunity for them to rejoin society. While society has always looked down on criminals, death row inmates are especially prone of being judged irredeemable because the crimes they committed lead to a death sentence. Sure there are plenty of death row inmates who aren’t sorry for their crimes but many do have the capacity to change and/or amount to some benefit to society.  Let’s face it, humans are complicated and unpredictable creatures. Not to mention, contrary to popular belief, criminal convictions don’t define someone as a bad person incapable of rejoining society. It just means they’re guilty (though to be fair, death row inmates aren’t nice people to begin with). For instance, take Robert Stroud (of Birdman of Alcatraz fame) who reared and sold birds during his solitary confinement in Leavenworth Prison as well as became a self-taught ornithologist and author. Yet, before his birding days, Stroud was sentenced to death at one time in his life for stabbing a prison guard, though the sentence was eventually commuted to life imprisonment which not only led him to keeping birds but also finding a cure for a family of avian diseases. It would be hard to imagine what farmers and ornithologist would’ve missed if this man was executed between 1916 and 1920. Yet, unlike the favorable Burt Lancaster portrayal (who changed from a violent anti-social thug to intellectual and soft-spoken pacifist), the real life Stroud was a diagnosed psychopath widely disliked and distrusted by the jailers and inmates who knew him as extremely difficult and demented as well as a vicious killer. Nevertheless, his story illustrates even bad guys like him can do some very good things if given the chance and that a person’s crimes shouldn’t define one as a human being. Saying that certain criminals deserve death is determining them irredeemable, which in many ways denies their humanity.

This cartoon shows a quick look at the death penalty in California, a state known for its horrible prison situation. Since 1978, to execute someone in this state costs $4 billion with the legal process taking 25 years. And it only managed to execute 13 people. Yeah, it's pretty much a ripoff.

This cartoon shows a quick look at the death penalty in California, a state known for its horrible prison situation. Since 1978, to execute someone in this state costs $4 billion with the legal process taking 25 years. And it only managed to execute 13 people. Perhaps prison overcrowding isn’t so bad at least when it comes to taxpayer dollars spent per prisoner.

3. Executions cost more than a lifetime in prison. While the prison system may have their own problems, they keep some of the worst criminals off the streets who are now serving a life sentence without parole. Of course many proponents argue that capital punishment helps relieve the costs of caring for condemned criminals. Cases resulting in life in prison usually cost approximately $500,000 on average from arrest to incarceration and once it’s delivered, the case is usually closed for now. Cases involving the death penalty by contrast, can cost to as much as $1-3 million, sometimes even $7 million in taxpayer money and they usually involve a lengthy and complex appeals process sometimes lasting a decade on average all because someone’s life is on the line. Thus, death penalty cases involve more lawyers, more witnesses, more experts, longer jury selection process, more pre-trial motions,  an entirely separate trial for sentencing, and countless other expenses that could rack up costly expenses before a single appeal is filed. Add to that the fact most death penalty trials are found to be significantly flawed and must be re-done, sometimes more than once. Even in most cases in which the death penalty is sought, it’s almost never imposed. And when it is imposed, it’s rarely carried out. Still, the costs of all this regardless of outcome is paid by the taxpayers. These proceedings divert resources which could be better used for more positive endeavors like helping homicide survivors, education and social programs, scholarships for orphans, libraries, hiring more police officers, and other things. Not only that, but money may be the main reason why more states have decided to abandon capital punishment in the first place. As much as caring for condemned criminals costs taxpayers, it’s much cheaper than trying to execute them.

In recent years, wrongful convictions have become more apparent in the American legal system in recent years. Recent years have seen more exonerations by DNA evidence. And this has gone up for death row inmates as well. Thus, it's apparent that capital punishment kills innocent people. As to how many, it will never be known.

In recent years, wrongful convictions have become more apparent in the American legal system in recent years. Recent years have seen more exonerations by DNA evidence. And this has gone up for death row inmates as well. Thus, it’s apparent that capital punishment kills innocent people. As to how many, it will never be known.

4. You can’t remedy a wrongful execution. In the criminal justice system, there is always a potential for error whether it be the acquittal of a known murderer or the conviction of someone completely innocent. Of course, if there’s a miscarriage of justice, the system should be able to correct it in due time. Sure some murderers may be free to kill another day but that doesn’t mean they’d necessarily be lucky the next time. And innocent people serving time in prison can always be exonerated via DNA evidence. However, whenever the system sentences someone to death, one of the reasons why the death penalty legal process is so long and complicated is just to ensure that innocent people aren’t wrongfully executed. Yet, even with these protections, there’s still a risk of carrying out a wrongful execution which can’t be taken back. In the US, since the 1973 around 143 death row inmates have been exonerated and most simply because of the weak cases against them and nine times more frequently than others convicted of murder. Some haven’t been so lucky and it’s very difficult to determine how many innocent people were executed there’s often insufficient motivation once an execution occurs. Still, whenever someone is accused of a serious crime, there are plenty of factors that can result in wrongful conviction like inadequate legal representation, government misconduct, eyewitness error and perjured testimony, junk science, racism, snitch testimony, false confessions, suppression and/or misinterpretation of evidence, and social pressure to solve a case. Our criminal justice system is far from perfect and can’t be right 100% of the time. Yet, in capital cases, a wrongful conviction can be deadly and you can’t take back a human life.

This is a chart depicting the causes of wrongful convictions. A lot of this involves government misconduct. But this can also include erroneous eyewitness testimony, false confessions, bad legal representation, informants, and others. And each case can have multiple causes.

This is a chart depicting the causes of wrongful convictions. A lot of this involves government misconduct. But this can also include erroneous eyewitness testimony, false confessions, bad legal representation, informants, and others. And each case can have multiple causes.

5. Most death row inmates were convicted while being defended by court-appointed attorneys who are often the worst paid, most-inexperienced, and least-skillful lawyers. The quality of legal representation provided plays a determining factor whether a defendant will face execution. Since most defendants in capital cases are too poor to afford a lawyer, the job defending the accused will usually fall to public defenders. Yet, these court appointed attorneys are often overworked, underpaid, or lack the experience to take on death penalty cases that they are inadequate providing a good defense. There are some instances where defense attorneys have arrived to court drunk, slept through the proceedings or failed to do any work in preparation for the sentencing phase. Also, whenever a capital case is set aside by a federal court, it mostly because the defense attorney’s incompetence that the accused’s constitutional right to effective counsel was violated. And it’s not uncommon for the defense attorney to be disbarred or disciplined for unethical or criminal behavior. Alabama has been notorious for providing especially shoddy counsel to defendants in capital cases. It has the distinction as the only state with no statewide public defender system though its death row inmates are overwhelmingly poor. In the US, we expect everyone to have a right to a fair trial, especially if a person’s life is at stake. Yet, if defendants in capital cases are given inadequate legal representation, how can they receive a fair trial?

6. Capital punishment doesn’t deter crime. Many proponents would argue that capital punishment by saying that it’s the ultimate warning against all crimes and sets an example to other would be criminals. Yet, while many people fear a death sentence, fear is hardly a good teaching tool and capital punishment’s effectiveness in deterring crime is questionable. In fact, there is no reliable evidence whether the death penalty has any effect on homicide rates at all as most criminologists believe. Some may argue that using the death penalty may brutalize society and lead to more murders and most proponents no longer consider deterrence as a serious justification for its continued use. The threat of execution may dissuade some from committing premeditated murder and so does getting caught. Not to mention, many murders are committed in moments of passion, anger, or by criminal substance abusers or acting impulsively. Those who commit first degree murder, either don’t expect to get caught or don’t weigh the consequences. Sometimes the legal consequences don’t even matter since some criminals may see life in prison as a fate worse than death anyway. Not to mention, consider the fact capital punishment has existed for thousands of years, yet people still commit murder regardless of the ultimate penalty.

Racial disparities are endemic in our criminal justice system. In capital cases, while a significant portion involve a black or Hispanic defendant, the overwhelming majority involve white victims. Looking at these disparities, I can't blame the people at Black Lives Matter for stating their case. These states are just despicable.

Racial disparities are endemic in our criminal justice system. In capital cases, while a significant portion involve a black or Hispanic defendant, the overwhelming majority involve white victims. Looking at these disparities, I can’t blame the people at Black Lives Matter for stating their case.

7. Race and socioeconomics of both defendant and victim play determining roles on who lives and who dies. Discrimination by socioeconomics and race have always been a problem in the criminal justice system and it is no different in capital cases. In our criminal justice system, it’s not unusual for poor black and Hispanic defendants to receive harsh sentences, especially if the victim was a white person. Death sentences are issued and/or sought by a prosecutor were more likely involve a black or Hispanic defendant killing a white person than white defendant killing a person of color. This is the case especially in the South given its legacy for racial discrimination as well as its tendency to apply the death penalty more than any other part of the country. And most of the time the defendant is poor so they won’t have an adequate defense. Not to mention, out of all the 143 death row inmates exonerated for innocence, most of them were either black or Hispanic as well. The racial and socioeconomic disparity regarding the death penalty can’t be ignored because it seems to be a statement that the lives of impoverished minorities are less important than whites and that killing a white person can mean the harshest of penalties. In short, most of those executed consists of those with the fewest resources to defend themselves as well as the color of their skin. We shouldn’t have that.

The lottery determining who gets the death penalty in America vastly depends on location. Defendants who live in Texas, Mississippi, Oklahoma, and Arizona are the most likely to get executed in the country. Texas is notorious for carrying out the death penalty that I'm surprised it executed only 15 people in 2012.

The lottery determining who gets the death penalty in America vastly depends on location. Defendants who live in Texas, Mississippi, Oklahoma, and Arizona are the most likely to get executed in the country. Texas is notorious for carrying out the death penalty that I’m surprised it executed only 15 people in 2012.

8. Jurisdiction politics play major roles in capital cases than the facts of the crime itself and is applied at random. Another major factor in capital cases pertains to the makeup of juries which can also determine whether the defendant will receive a death sentence. A juror’s race, religion, and attitude toward the death penalty can influence how they cast the first vote during the jury’s penalty phase. White Southern Baptist males are more likely to support the death penalty than any other group and thus are more likely to cast first for death as well as be selected for these juries. Jury selection in these cases could be rife with discrimination which tend to ensue juries to be disproportionately prone to handing down guilty verdicts and death sentences. Many are said to have decided a defendant’s guilt and sentence before the trial even began and have a tendency to not understand their own duties such as considering mitigating evidence. Juries in capital trials are even said to deliberate less thoroughly and less accurate than juries that better represent the whole population. Also, give into account that most executions take place in the South and that significantly more death sentences are sought than carried out creates a lethal lottery in the criminal justice system. So it’s possible that a convenience store armed robber can receive death while a methodical serial killer gets prison.

9. Capital punishment doesn’t relieve suffering from the victims’ loved ones. While proponents claim that capital punishment brings closure to victims’ loved ones, they tend to overlook the long and complex legal process as well as the heightened media coverage. These factors can make the death penalty process for victims’ families for many years (average capital cases usually take about a decade sometimes even longer), often requiring them to relive the pain and suffering with the endless reopening of old wounds. Media coverage on death penalty cases will usually focus on the legal consequences instead of the human ones where it belongs and attention is more often centered on the accused. Not to mention, hundreds of millions of dollars are spent on the death penalty each year which could be better spent on violence-prevention efforts, victims’ services, or solving unsolved cases. A life sentence without parole can provide certain punishment without putting murderers in the headlines, which may allow grieving families some time to heal since their loved one’s case doesn’t have to be revisited again.

Now this Timothy McVeigh graphic was taken from a satirical newspaper called The Onion. But it demonstrates how guys like the Oklahoma City bomber got tons of publicity in the days leading up to his execution. Now McVeigh was a terrorist who killed about 168 people and injured over 680. Had this guy gotten life in prison, we would've not heard about him again until his death in obscurity from natural causes. He didn't deserve the publicity or have his execution be front page news.

Now this Timothy McVeigh graphic was taken from a satirical newspaper called The Onion. But it demonstrates how guys like the Oklahoma City bomber got tons of publicity in the days leading up to his execution. Now McVeigh was a terrorist who killed about 168 people and injured over 680. Had this guy gotten life in prison, we would’ve not heard about him again until his death in obscurity from natural causes. And you’ll only hear about it in the obituary section. This was the death he deserved.

10. The death penalty gives some of the worst offenders undeserving publicity. Capital cases bring more media coverage and public interest than those pertaining to any other sentence. It’s not uncommon for death row inmates to receive reams of publicity as their date of execution nears which gives them a chance to expound their ideas and become media celebrities. The media attention placed on death row inmates not only can give families more grief but also may encourage others to commit violent acts, especially unstable people attracted to media immortality. Since death row inmates have their days numbered, they don’t really learn from their crimes and may not even regret them. On the other hand, violent offenders who receive life in prison without parole will face a lifetime of obscurity and regret, which may make the path to violence far less glamorous for many. Perhaps maybe be sentenced to hard labor to pay reparations for the victims’ families. If there is anyone who doesn’t deserve media coverage, it’s a murderer. While a death row inmate’s execution gets front page news, a notorious killer sentenced with life in prison won’t be remembered until his or her name appears in the obituary section.

For a long time in history, people watched public executions as a form of entertainment. Today executions are usually covered by the press leaving details of the prisoner's last moments. Nevertheless, executions teach that killing is always a viable solution even though it isn't.

For a long time in history, people watched public executions as a form of entertainment. Today executions are usually covered by the press leaving details of the prisoner’s last moments. Nevertheless, executions teach that killing is always a viable solution even though it isn’t.

11. Executions have a corrupting effect on the public. Public executions have been seen as a form of entertainment throughout much of history since many people didn’t really have access to all the mass media outlets we have today like books, TV, or internet. Yet, given the amount of media attention placed on death row inmates, there is probably no doubt that executions attract some degree of excitement in the public. TV crews don’t hesitate to give details of the prisoner given a stay of execution during the appeals process in the execution chamber. And then there are the last visits from family, the last meal, the last walk, and the last words. Many times this could turn into one big dramatic soap opera with people wanting to see a criminal die. Of course, The Hunger Games may argue that the public likes to see almost anyone die, which kind gives insight about capital punishment’s fucked up entertainment value. And there were even people entertained by the brutality in that series while missing the point the trilogy tried to make. Yet, sometimes such spectacles of executions may teach the public that killing is a viable solution even though it isn’t.

12. The death penalty is incompatible with human rights and human dignity. The notion of the state taking another’s life without questioning the mitigating circumstances is perhaps one of the main reasons why capital punishment faces plenty of opposition from religious groups, especially during recent times. When it comes to right to life, many people believe this also extends to the lives of convicted criminals and that capital punishment essentially dehumanizes people and society. If life is considered an inherent human right, then capital punishment must be a human rights abuse, especially since its also attached to a bunch of other forms of injustice. Many believe such abuses to be unacceptable, especially if such actions are illegal among the general public. Some may claim that it’s impossible for anyone to determine who deserves to die or be spared. It also violates a person’s right not to be tortured or be subject to any form of cruel and unusual punishment since there is no humane way to kill. Many religious groups oppose capital punishment for these reasons. Yet, since the US continues retaining the death penalty which denies a person’s right to life, then it can deny other rights that go along with it. And it doesn’t help that most countries that still have the death penalty are notorious human rights abusers like Iran, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, and China.

13. The death penalty promotes revenge. When someone is murdered, it is only natural for people to want something done to his or her killer. A lot of times many grieving families do wish that the murderer be put to death and while the emotional impulse for “an eye for an eye” is strong, it’s not always right, even if it does appear often in movies. Revenge should never be a sufficient justification for capital punishment in a mature society, especially one that should show much more respect for life even that of murderer. Encouraging revenge through execution only continues the chain of violence as well as increases the risks of angering the condemned’s families, especially if they were later found to be innocent. Besides, even with capital punishment, our society has never endorsed “an eye for an eye” since we don’t torture torturers or even rape rapists since those actions are inhumane anyway. For victims’ families, reconciliation and forgiveness are better alternatives.

14. Capital punishment forces families of executed criminals to suffer in unimaginable ways. Families of criminals never have it easy in any society and tend to suffer not only for the crime but also by the system that tries them. In any murder case, there will always be at least two families who suffer on opposite sides. While the victim’s family has to deal with losing a loved one, the murderer’s family has to deal with a lot of emotional turmoil as well since no one wants to see a loved one convicted. In a capital case, this is especially  true since the killer’s life is at stake and no matter how terrible a murderer is, he or she still has people who care about them and would certainly miss them. Yet, unlike families of murder victims, families of executed criminals have to live with their loved one’s crimes even if he or she doesn’t. And many of them will have to mourn for their executed loved one in isolation while receiving little sympathy for their plight. They run the risks of being vilified and shunned by the community simply because of their association. Sometimes they may even lose jobs, be threatened, or have their homes vandalized. Some ran the risks of experiencing PTSD when seeing a loved one’s execution. Not to mention, many children of executed criminals may not understand what happened or be able to handle it. And many of these families aren’t well off. Proponents may say that criminals cause their own families to suffer but while that may be true, their lives may be so much easier if their convicted loved one didn’t have to die.

The notion that the death penalty involves killing murderers to show that killing is wrong is a glaring hypocrisy. Besides, all an eye for an eye amounts to is just revenge. And revenge is something we don't need.

The notion that the death penalty involves killing murderers to show that killing is wrong is a glaring hypocrisy. Besides, all an eye for an eye amounts to is just revenge. And revenge is something we don’t need.

15. Capital punishment sends a message in a most hypocritical way possible. When we’re young, we’re told that killing is wrong, yet Americans live in a country which still condemns killers to death to teach that no one has the right to kill. Though killing may sometimes be necessary when it can’t be avoided, it’s seldom justified. Yet, if a nation executes people for murder, then perhaps the country is no better than the crooks it condemns. Maybe even more so if those executed are innocent people. Yet, giving some of the circumstances of death row inmates and victims  in the US, it can also be used to show that some lives are worth more than others, which is a very terrible lesson to teach. It’s hypocritical enough if it’s Ted Bundy getting executed but what does it say about this country if it tries to teach that killing is wrong by issuing a death sentence to people of color too poor to defend themselves? Some may argue that an entity saying who lives or dies is equivalent to playing God.

Barbara Graham was a prostitute, drug addict, and a thief. However, her murder case involving the killing of Mabel Monohan shows how complicated a murder case could be. There are conflicting accounts by two of her associates in the crime. So it's hard to say whether she did it but she was convicted and executed of the crime anyway.

Barbara Graham was a prostitute, drug addict, and a thief. However, her murder case involving the killing of Mabel Monohan shows how complicated a murder case could be. There are conflicting accounts by two of her associates in the crime. So it’s hard to say whether she did it but she was convicted and executed of the crime anyway. Probably should’ve been sentenced to life.

16. Life in prison is a much better solution in difficult cases. Even when a defendant in a capital case is guilty and sentence to death, you can’t really determine whether capital punishment is ever justly applied. While some proponents may think capital punishment should only apply to those convicted of the worst crimes, many get executed on serious crimes that are hardly seen as remarkable. Death row inmates are almost always too poor to defend themselves while socially marginalized people of color are especially vulnerable to receiving a death sentence and they usually are represented by court appointed attorneys who hardly put up an adequate defense. And sometimes local politics can play a major role on who gets to be on the penalty phase jury. Not to mention, there’s a good chance that many prisoners on death row may have an undiagnosed mental illness or experienced some form of trauma during their lives, have experienced substance abuse, and may have killed out of anger or impulsively. Murder cases can be very complicated and capital cases can take years to sort out whether the murderer should be executed. However, in cases with the penalties being life in prison, the defendant just needs to be convicted and the decision can be reversed if needed. Besides, sentencing criminals to prison usually falls to the judge, not jury so local politics play little influence in it. Also, most guilty lifers usually fade into prison life obscurity shortly after they leave the courtroom. When it comes to difficult case, life in prison provides a more swift and certain punishment while capital punishment provides neither.

17. Capital punishment hurts other prisoners, too. While proponents may say that capital punishment is a good bargaining chip for murderers to serve life without parole since everyone fears a death sentence. Yet, there is no correlation whether the death penalty does just that. What a death sentence threat can do, however, is increase the likelihood of some defendants more willing to accept a given plea bargaining offer or even taking responsibility for a crime they didn’t commit. After all, many defendants don’t have adequate legal representation anyways and a threat of execution may give them more reason to give up their constitutional right to a trial to save their lives. Scaring defendants into confessing things isn’t a reliable form of interrogation and can even ruin people’s lives. Sometimes execution threats can result in more cases going to trial, which I have already discussed what could happen there. Still, using the death penalty as a plea bargaining chip may increase the risk of wrongful convictions and may do little to deter wrongful executions.

Yes, this is a funny cartoon from Bizarro, a favorite comic of mine. However, being an executioner isn't a nice job since they tend to suffer from PTSD from having to kill. So there's no reason why any correction worker should risk their mental health over revenge.

Yes, this is a funny cartoon from Bizarro, a favorite comic of mine. However, being an executioner isn’t a nice job since they tend to suffer from PTSD from having to kill. So there’s no reason why any correction worker should risk their mental health over revenge.

18. No civilian’s job description should include killing another person. Despite how they appear in movies, the occupation or executioner was often an undesirable job that it was performed by people who’d otherwise be executed. These people were often unskilled in their work as well as suffered from a lot of mental anguish over it. And it wasn’t uncommon for many to commit suicide. Of course, we don’t have executioners anymore in the Western World since many countries have abolished capital punishment or in America’s case, aren’t carried out very often. But when they are, executions now are performed by corrections officers and medical doctors. And these people don’t have benefit of having heard all the evidence presented to them at the trial, which might make some doubt the defendant’s guilt. Like the executioners of old, they’re involved with executions and frequently suffer from PTSD from having to kill. Prisoners pose no threat to our society once in custody. So there’s no reason why correction workers should risk their mental health simply to pursue vengeance.

Supporters who think the death penalty as a cheaper alternative to life in prison often forget the complex appeals process involved in arranging an execution. In California, this usually takes 25 years. That time could be better spent in the court system.

Supporters who think the death penalty as a cheaper alternative to life in prison often forget the complex appeals process involved in arranging an execution. In California, this usually takes 25 years. That time could be better spent in the court system.

19. Capital cases involve endless appeals processes and required additional procedures that clog our court system. Now the US criminal justice system is already overloaded with more cases than it can deal with. And despite what you see on TV or movies, legal procedures aren’t short affairs. It can take years for a case to go to court and there have to be so many legal procedures to take place before a trial could begin. Most lawyers usually try to avoid trials. The criminal justice system is no exception, which is why most criminal defendants take plea bargains. In death penalty cases, trials aren’t optional. If the defendant is convicted and sentenced to death, there are countless appeals processes and other legal procedures that cost not just taxpayer money, but also time and space. And the US court system tends to go to great lengths to see the death sentence carried out. Thus, all the appeals, motions, hearings, briefs, etc. monopolize much of the time of judges, attorneys, and other court employees as well as use up courtrooms and facilities. Nationally on average it’s said that the process takes 8-10 years. Such time and space could be used for other unresolved matters. Meanwhile, you have people in jail for years simply waiting for their day in court. And most defendants are encouraged to take a plea bargain simply because the US court system is tremendously backed up. Getting rid of the death penalty may help move things along.

20. High profile death penalty cases attract top talent lawyers for little or no cost due its publicity and their personal beliefs against capital punishment, increasing the chances of a technicality or a manipulated jury will release a guilty person. While most death penalty cases usually involve terrible legal representation, ones that attract an excessive amount of publicity tend to attract top lawyers who desperately want attention and can manipulate the system through any means necessary in order to get someone off without punishment. And besides, defending someone accused of a horrendous crime garners much more sympathy than representing a crooked Wall Street executive. This is especially true if the defendant is a young white woman who’s fairly attractive like Barbara Graham or Casey Anthony. There are entire organizations that sprung up to fight death penalty cases and often provide funding to legal defenses. And many lawyers have made stomping out capital punishment a lifetime crusade.

Dr. Hawley Harvey Crippen was a homeopathic physician and outright quack who was charged with brutally murdering his wife Cora at their London home in 1910. He was tried, convicted, and executed. At the time everyone saw him as guilty. However, it's apparent that the body parts found in his basement were planted by Scotland Yard who were under tremendous pressure to solve a heinous crime. Besides, recent DNA evidence has revealed that the body parts found not only weren't Cora's but also belonged to a dude.

Dr. Hawley Harvey Crippen was a homeopathic physician and outright quack who was charged with brutally murdering his wife Cora at their London home in 1910. He was tried, convicted, and executed. At the time everyone saw him as guilty. However, it’s apparent that the body parts found in his basement were planted by Scotland Yard who were under tremendous pressure to solve a heinous crime. Besides, recent DNA evidence has revealed that the body parts found not only weren’t Cora’s but also belonged to a dude.

21. High profile death penalty cases put enormous pressure on the prosecution and police that they encourage misconduct. Since death penalty cases attract media coverage, law enforcement and prosecutors are under pressure to show that justice in their mind has been done. And they tend to do all they can to ensure a conviction, sentence, and execution. And pressure tends to lead to some degree of misconduct which can result in a wrongful conviction. Hell, even in non-death penalty cases there’s still a lot of pressure and fuck ups. Failure to catch Jack the Ripper put British police and Scotland Yard under intense public pressure to solve the case of Cora Crippen’s disappearance in 1910 in which friends suspected that her husband, homeopathic physician and outright quack, Dr. Hawley Harvey Crippen had something to do with it. I mean he and his wife didn’t get along before she disappear without a trace and was openly living with his girlfriend shortly after (who was wearing Cora’s clothes and jewelry) as well as selling some of his wife’s stuff. And when they found a set of grisly remains under the Crippens’ basement floor (suggesting she was brutally murdered), the guy was arrested on a transatlantic cruise ship while trying to flee to Canada with his girlfriend (both disguised as a father and son). He was tried, convicted, and executed. At the time the Crippen ordeal seemed like an open and shut case while everyone thought him as obviously guilty as hell (ditto the fact it received an obscene amount of media coverage in 1910).  However, despite how he was about as convicted by public opinion like Casey Anthony but utterly lacked her great fortune, Crippen was almost certainly innocent of killing his wife (well, as far as we know. Then again, we have absolutely no idea what happened to her after her disappearance). We know this for these reasons:

  1. Modern DNA test results show that the remains found in his basement not only weren’t Cora’s but also belonged to a man. (This based on mitochondrial DNA tests from the torso against that of Cora’s great-nieces and one DNA test method that’s highly sensitive to the Y chromosome {which was done several times}. However, the DNA stuff has been contested).
  2. Cora Crippen disappeared in January of that year while Dr. Crippen was arrested in July, which was around the time the remains were found. Thus, this would mean the remains would’ve been sitting in the Crippens’ basement for almost 6 months. During this time Scotland Yard had searched the Crippens’ home a total of 5 times.
  3. The remains were found under the Crippens’ basement floor in an area that was under the dining room. As someone who’s seen dead critters decompose on the side of the road, I’m well aware that decaying flesh gives off an odor that is strong and foul. And even the stench of a dead possum can be smelled from several feet away. If Dr. Crippen killed his wife and disposed her remains in his basement, then the police should’ve been able to find Cora’s body parts on their first search. Not on their fifth within a 6 month period. Large areas in the house should’ve carried a stench that there was a dead body in there.
  4. The remains were said to be placed in quicklime to be destroyed. While dry lime can disintegrate stuff in no time, the dirt underneath the Crippens’ basement floor was wet. And when lime meets water, it becomes slaked lime which is a preservative. The cops should’ve found more body parts.
  5. The remains included no head, limbs, and skeleton. In fact, they mostly consisted of soft tissue such as skin, hair, organs, and muscle. Anyone who’s worked with dead bodies can tell you that soft tissue usually decomposes before bones. So why the police were able to find soft tissue in Crippen’s basement and not bones? Even Raymond Chandler thought it was unbelievable that this guy can dispose his wife’s limbs, head, and skeleton successfully but bury the torso under the cellar floor of his home. And the way the authorities try to justify how Crippen disposed the other body parts pertain to methods you see on Breaking Bad or Dexter.
  6. Police reports state that the victim had been poisoned and then mutilated and dismembered. Most poisoners usually try to cover up their murders by doing all they could to make it look like an accident. Such sick acts like mutilation are extremely rare among poisoners and are things we associate with serial killers like Jack the Ripper. In fact, this is the only poisoning case involving dismemberment most poison experts are aware of. Besides, such acts seem such an unnecessary step for someone who wants to quickly dispose a body.
  7. The so-called scar tissue found that was interpreted as consistent with one Cora was known to have due to the hair follicles, which convinced the jury that the remains found at the Crippen house were hers. Scars don’t have hair follicles, a fact so obvious in 1910 that Dr. Crippen’s defense pointed it out.
  8. The circumstances surrounding how the remains were discovered gives me the impression that someone put them at the scene with the intention to be found and to make Crippen seem like very sick individual. Remains suggesting a horrifically grisly murder would be guaranteed to make headlines. And the case didn’t go public until after the remains were found. The fact Scotland Yard was under tremendous pressure to arrest someone for a heinous crime gives me reason to think that the remains were planted during the final search.

It’s obvious that Crippen was a victim of police misconduct of planting evidence, which not only got him convicted of murder but also got him hanged. I’m not sure how much the death penalty influenced this case in 1910 since it was applied far more often, but a high profile case like Crippen’s does fall prey to errors by the prosecution whether it be police brutality, planting evidence, mistaking the evidence, politics, racial profiling, or what not.

No, this isn't a bed from Christian Grey's sex dungeon. This is a bed they use to restrain a prisoner for lethal injection, the most popular method and

No, this isn’t a bed from Christian Grey’s sex dungeon. This is a bed they use to restrain a prisoner for lethal injection, the most popular method and “humane” execution method in America. This involves strapping a person to this thing, knocking them out, and injecting a bunch of poisons in them. Sounds like a humane way to execute someone? Didn’t think so.

22. There is no such thing as a humane execution. For a long time in history, executions happened all the time and nobody gave a shit whether the methods were humane or not, at least until recent times. In fact, in the olden days, executions were supposed to be agonizing, slow, and cause much suffering as possible. Think of Jesus’s crucifixion and how he suffered a horrifying and tortuous death on a cross. Yes, it’s brutal but that was how most people before recently, thought how executions should be. And they were done in public to scare people straight as well as provide entertainment for the community. The idea that punishment shouldn’t be cruel and unusual is a recent invention. But nowadays, we tend to struggle with not having cruel and unusual punishment when it comes to the death penalty since it involves killing someone. Since the idea that capital punishment hast to be “humane” there have been execution methods consisting of hanging, electrocution, gas chambers, firing squad, lethal injection, and what not. Now we’re well aware that the gas chambers were used by the Nazis to kill Jews in their concentration camps. Still, when you see some of these methods on TV or movies, they don’t seem anywhere near humane. I mean does being shot by firing squad seem like a quick and painless way to die? Not how I see it. Or what about having a ton of volts pumped into your head? Me neither. Or what about being injected with poison? Didn’t think so. Besides, it’s said that most lethal injections tend to be botched at a higher rate than most 19th century methods.

Another popular execution method in the US is the electric chair where a prisoner is strapped to a chair like this and is electrocuted. Let's just say if the electric chair doesn't seem humane on The Green Mile, then it's probably not in real life.

Another popular execution method in the US is the electric chair where a prisoner is strapped to a chair like this and is electrocuted. Let’s just say if the electric chair doesn’t seem humane on The Green Mile, then it’s probably not in real life.

23.  The death penalty expresses the absolute power of the state; abolition of this penalty is a much-needed limit on governmental power. Governments may not be perfect and the criminal justice system may make mistakes as well as commit their share of injustices. In some ways giving governments the power to kill somebody is too much. And it doesn’t help that many governments have and still do abuse this. Many of these governments are dictatorships that have executed people for dissent and who knows what else. But not even liberal democracies are exempt from this either. The US criminal justice system struggles with issues pertaining to incompetence, perjury, police brutality, and wrongful convictions. Do you want a government like that to decide whether a person lives or dies? The US constitution doesn’t forbid the death penalty nor does it mandate its use either. Congress is free to abolish it at the federal level and so would the states.

Although most Americans still support the death penalty, support has considerably declined in recent years while opposition has grown. At the government level, more states have voted to abolish it due to costs. Not only that, but most violent criminals are usually sentenced to life in prison anyway.

Although most Americans still support the death penalty, support has considerably declined in recent years while opposition has grown. At the government level, more states have voted to abolish it due to costs. Not only that, but most violent criminals are usually sentenced to life in prison anyway.

24. The death penalty has recently fallen out of favor, even in the United States. For a long time in history, the capital punishment was usually the only punishment for violent crimes. But as our societies evolved and realized that we could just imprison violent criminals instead of killing them, the death penalty has been applied less and less (except in dictatorships). Not only that, but as many as 139 countries have abolished it throughout the world. In the US, a death penalty case happens so seldom that one is bound to grab headlines, which adds to many violent criminals gaining undeserved publicity. Not to mention, while most Americans still support capital punishment, opposition has increased and as of 2015, 18 states have now abolished it. 6 of them have abolished it within the last decade. Out of the states that do, some haven’t had anybody executed in years. Hell, I can’t remember the last time Pennsylvania had anyone executed. Besides, most death row inmates usually die of natural causes before their execution date.

25. The severity of the crime plays no role in determining whether a defendant gets executed. Many supporters argue that the death penalty is supposed to be only applied to the worst crimes and the most vile offenders. However, most death sentences are determined on location, politics, socioeconomics, race, jury make up, quality of legal counsel, and whether or not the prosecutor decides to pursue it. Yes, I’m aware that death row inmates are generally not nice people. However, we should be aware that some of the most heinous murders don’t result in death sentences while some less heinous crimes are punished by death with co-defendants charged with the same and consistently receiving disparate sentences. Some of the worst of the worst like serial killers, gang kingpins and the like, are often spared the death penalty since prosecutors rely on their cooperation to help law enforcement close related cases. Nevertheless, such structures and biases in our society can make it impossible to limit the death penalty to some of the most heinous crimes by the most hardened criminals.

Yes, it's long past due to end the death penalty. And I have to agree that capital punishment doesn't help crime, doesn't prevent prison overcrowding, is expensive, and can never be humane. Let's just say the United States would be better off if we got rid of it. And no, I don't give a shit about what the people in Texas think about it.

Yes, it’s long past due to end the death penalty. And I have to agree that capital punishment doesn’t help crime, doesn’t prevent prison overcrowding, is expensive, and can never be humane. Let’s just say the United States would be better off if we got rid of it. And no, I don’t give a shit about what the people in Texas think about it.

Fun with Tombstones

demo_tombstone As we all know, Halloween revolves around a lot of things that scare us be it gore, mutilation, ghosts, the supernatural or large insects and spiders. Yet, one of the very real concepts that many of us fear is death, which is basically the cessation of one’s existence altogether. Whether it be through natural causes or otherwise, we will all die someday and while there are things we could do to delay it, there’s nothing we can do about it. We can, however, get our affairs in order and make our funeral arrangements, which many elderly people do since they know the end is near anyway. It’s been a tradition in modern Western society to be buried in cemeteries and erect tombstones on our graves so our surviving relatives, friends, and descendants could visit us after we’re gone. I myself go to a cemetery nearby my house during my routine morning walks. Most gravestones usually have the name of the deceased as well as life dates. A lot of times they may share a tombstone with a spouse, have some indicator of military service, or perhaps a place pertaining to the life dates. As for decorations, some may have religious symbols like a cross, Jesus, Mary, an angel, or a star of David. Some may have a lamb on them to say that this person died as as a child. Of course, this is dependent on Western iconography. Some may have intricate designs to show off that they knew people who could afford such monuments to them. Still, there are certain tombstones that are worth noting either for the bizarre design or containing last words to sum up their time on earth or what not. And you won’t believe the pictures I’ve found on Google. So without further ado on this Halloween season, here are some amusing tombstones for your pleasure. 1. And here’s to you the alcoholic serial monogamist.

Now if the liver cirrhosis didn't kill him at 62, then the divorce settlement might've had something to do with it. Not to mention, the fact his nephews and nieces erected his tombstone.

Now if the liver cirrhosis didn’t kill him at 62, then the divorce settlement might’ve had something to do with it. Not to mention, the fact his nephews and nieces erected his tombstone.

2. Sure he may have died at 42, but damn did he lead an interesting life.

Yes, I'm sure that Ronald Eugene Smith is surely a swell guy. Yet, perhaps having an adventurous life may have led to his death at 42. Also, I'm sure he didn't learn fast or acted quickly enough.

Yes, I’m sure that Ronald Eugene Smith is surely a swell guy. Yet, perhaps having an adventurous life may have led to his death at 42. Also, I’m sure he didn’t learn fast or acted quickly enough.

3. Here lies Naomi Thigpen Shankle.

I guess the epitaph is there because of her silly name. Seriously, it seems like her name reads like something Monty Python would make up.

I guess the epitaph is there because of her silly name. Seriously, it seems like her name reads like something Monty Python would make up.

4. Of course, this tombstone shows how a man’s love for NASCAR seemed to go beyond the grave.

Well, I got to say that this is the most expensive tombstone for a race car buff I've ever seen. Of course, this grave might belong to a race car driver which is more understandable.

Well, I got to say that this is the most expensive tombstone for a race car buff I’ve ever seen. Of course, this grave might belong to a race car driver which is more understandable.

5. Now I guess Dave didn’t seem too bright when he chased that bear into a cave.

Yeah, I'm sure being an intruder in a ursuline home invasion will sure kill you and possibly lead to a Darwin Award.

Yeah, I’m sure being an intruder in a home invasion in a bear cave will sure kill you and possibly lead to a Darwin Award. I’m sure chasing a bear isn’t going to turn out well, especially if the bear’s a mama.

6. R. I. P. Jonathan Blake, victim of his own disorderly driving.

Now, kids, that's what your tombstone may look like if you decide to step on the gas instead of the brake, in the event of a head on collision. So please don't end up like Jonathan Blake.

Now, kids, that’s what your tombstone may look like if you decide to step on the gas instead of the brake, in the event of a head on collision. So please don’t end up like Jonathan Blake.

7. So who says that you can’t call people after they die?

This is perhaps coming from a Jewish cemetery or one in Israel. Still, it may not work but it probably costs just as much as anything new Apple now comes out with.

This is perhaps coming from a Jewish cemetery or one in Israel. Still, it may not work but it probably costs just as much as anything new Apple now comes out with.

8. Oh, poor Rex, another dog lost to the Chinese Restaurant industry.

Then again, Rex's life dates indicate that he was 14 years old. Let's just say, if that Asian kid didn't ask to wok him, then it's very possible that the vet would've put him to sleep.

Then again, Rex’s life dates indicate that he was 14 years old. Let’s just say, if that Asian kid didn’t ask to wok him, then it’s very possible that the vet would’ve put him to sleep.

9. Man, these Dotterweichs sure are an unlucky bunch.

Now I see a lot of kids' graves at the local cemetery. And kids' graves aren't an unusual sight at graveyards at all particularly in the older sections. Yet, I'm sure the Dotterweich children all dying in the icy pond just makes you wonder what happened in that scenario.

Now I see a lot of kids’ graves at the local cemetery. And children’s’ graves aren’t an unusual sight at graveyards at all particularly in the older sections since there were a lot of things that killed kids in those days. Yet, I’m sure the Dotterweich children all drowning in the icy pond just makes you wonder what happened in that case. I mean ponds aren’t that deep.

10. Why not grace your tombstone with this happy dancing dolphin?

This is most likely not a child's grave since the deceased was born in 1938. And let's just say, a kiddie grave back in her childhood wouldn't feature dolphins! Yet, why she wanted a happy dolphin on her tombstone, I don't have the slightest idea. I mean it kind of just defies everything I'd imagine a grave stone to look like.

This is most likely not a child’s grave since the deceased was born in 1938. And let’s just say, a kiddie grave back in her childhood wouldn’t feature dolphins! Yet, why she wanted a happy dolphin on her tombstone, I don’t have the slightest idea. I mean it kind of just defies everything I’d imagine a grave stone to look like.

11. Of course, there is always one large cavity all dentists fill.

That's right, I'm talking about a large manmade geological cavity called,

That’s right, I’m talking about a large manmade geological cavity called, “a hole in the ground” this dentist is currently filling.

12. Poor Jerry Farrer didn’t seem to have the kind of death he wanted.

While Jerry Farrer wanted to be shot by a jealous husband at 102, he died at 74. Then again, whether he was shot by a jealous husband or died of natural causes, I really can't say. Perhaps you should ask his wife.

While Jerry Farrer wanted to be shot by a jealous husband at 102, he died at 74. Then again, whether he was shot by a jealous husband or died of natural causes, I really can’t say. Perhaps you should ask his wife.

13. Hopefully, this would’ve been a perfect grave stone for Rev. Gerry Falwell. Then again, I think this is the wrong Teletubby.

Now this grave seems to accomplish what many thought impossible. Make one of the Teletubbies seem incredibly creepy.

Now this grave seems to accomplish what many thought impossible. Make one of the Teletubbies seem incredibly terrifying. Yeah, this one seems to prey on your dreams.

14. Though he died at 52, Lester’s tombstone nevertheless had an awesome shark design.

It also helps that this guy was a Vietnam vet and this design could've possibly been on some craft he was on. Still, how would you want to run into this grave in a cemetery?

It also helps that this guy was a Vietnam vet and this design could’ve possibly been on some craft he was on. Still, how would you want to run into this grave in a cemetery?

15. Now this guy seems to give the world a finger before he left.

Now that's nice, having a tombstone depict a hand flipping the bird. I wonder how this guy's tombstone came to be designed with this offensive gesture.

Now that’s nice, having a tombstone depict a hand flipping the bird. I wonder how this guy’s tombstone came to be designed with this offensive gesture.

16. Now I suppose that this guy was some kind of curmudgeon, I suppose.

Now I suppose by reading this tombstone, I'm sure that human nature hasn't changed all that much. We always have to have our complainers.

Now I suppose by reading this tombstone, I’m sure that human nature hasn’t changed all that much. We always have to have our complainers.

17. Of course, some guys have motorcycles. Others just have them on their tombstones or sarcophagi.

In the medical world, motorcycles are known as

In the medical world, motorcycles are known as “donor cycles” for obvious reasons. Still, didn’t stop my doctor uncle from getting one. Nevertheless, this tombstone must’ve been very expensive.

18. Seems like this guy really loved to play Scrabble. Wonder what happened to him.

Remember, kids, Scabble may be an educational game of spelling. Yet, it's also a highly dangerous one and known to take those in their prime. Remember that this guy was only 21 when he was cut down.

Remember, kids, Scabble may be an educational game of spelling. Yet, it’s also a highly dangerous one and known to take those in their prime. Remember that this guy was only 21 when he was cut down.

19. Now I’m sure we all knew this would happen.

Of course, why this guy lists the names of his great grandparents, I have no idea. Still, we're all going to die someday, right?

Of course, why this guy lists the names of his great grandparents, I have no idea. Still, we’re all going to die someday, right?

20. Yes, Jesus tends to call people whenever they’re on cellphones in the car sometimes. It’s called distracted driving.

Still, judging by the beehive haircut and the 1980s cell phone, I'm sure this poor woman had passed away a while ago. Then again, maybe that's not a phone but the image just suggests she died from some cell phone related car wreck.

Still, judging by the beehive haircut and the 1980s cell phone, I’m sure this poor woman had passed away a while ago. Then again, maybe that’s not a phone but the image just suggests she died from some cell phone related car wreck in the 1980s.

21. Now be buried in style in a granite sarcophagus with your BMW convertible on top of it.

Seriously, either the car is real or it's made from granite. If it's real, then why is it on this person's grave when it should be passed on to his or her relatives? Either way, this memorial certainly didn't come cheap.

Seriously, this must’ve been a very expensive memorial to have a care on top of a sarcophagus like that. Not to mention, it looks almost eerily real if not for the wheels.  Still, if any of my relatives wanted a grave like this, I sure wouldn’t let that happen, because such concept is freaking ridiculous.

22. Guess Doris Marie Seward was so confident that she’d see the new millennium.

Then again, she almost made it, only to be cut down at the tragic young age of 82. So sad.

Then again, she almost made it, only to be cut down at the tragic young age of 82. Yes, she was an optimist indeed.

23. Now I wonder what went on here between Mr. and Mrs. Doubt.

Mrs. Doubt wants to take the back roads while Mr. Doubt says it's 5 o'clock somewhere. Hope their deaths weren't the result of some traffic accident as these quotes hint at.

Mrs. Doubt wants to take the back roads while Mr. Doubt says it’s 5 o’clock somewhere. Hope their deaths weren’t the result of some traffic accident as these quotes hint at.

24. Sometimes tombstone epitaphs don’t seem to stop embarrassing those who lie in them.

I'm sure

I’m sure “bugger” was just a cute and affectionate nickname by his mother and not some homophobic slur from some bygone era. Then again, it’s hard to tell by these tombstones alone.

25. Kay may be gone, but her fudge recipe will live on.

Thankfully, Kay's fudge recipe is on her tombstone. So anyone with an smart phone can simply take a picture of it and get the recipe there.

Thankfully, Kay’s fudge recipe is on her tombstone. So anyone with an smart phone can simply take a picture of it and get the recipe there.

26. I guess Tomas Chinchilla seemed to clinch the wrong wallet at 22.

Since this is a Mexican tombstone, then his violent death shouldn't be a surprise. Nevertheless, God is probably watching His wallet around him.

Since this is a Mexican tombstone, then his violent death shouldn’t be a surprise. Nevertheless, God is probably watching His wallet around him.

27. Now this person certainly knows how to get in touch with old friends.

Of course, I'm not sure if Ouija boards really work but I don't know much about communicating with the dead anyway.

Of course, I’m not sure if Ouija boards really work but I don’t know much about communicating with the dead anyway. Still, how does the tombstone version work?

28. Of course, someone always has to have a grave of a grand piano.

Of course, let's just say some people in the olden days were just as creative with their graves as some people today. Of course, the marble doesn't hold up well with the rains.

Of course, let’s just say some people in the olden days were just as creative with their graves as some people today. Of course, the marble doesn’t make great material for a gravestone since it’s prone to acid rain damage.

29. I’m sure this guy is all ready for Judgement Day, if that ever comes.

Yeah, I'm sure those angels are going roll the rock away. Still, I don't get why carve a rock tombstone out of what's technically rock.

Yeah, I’m sure those angels are going roll the rock away. Still, I don’t get why carve a rock tombstone out of what’s technically rock.

30.Here this Union soldier is laid to rest in his marble tent.

Now this is interesting. Bet this guy either died in the war and had family with the money to give him a fitting tribute, or he lusted after his glory days.

Now this is interesting. Bet this guy either died in the war and had family with the money to give him a fitting tribute, or he lusted after his glory days.

31. A fitting tribute for a great electrician if there ever was one.

Now I'm sure the family had a bright idea to erect a tombstone for him with a light bulb and electrical outlet. Hope he didn't fall prey to any occupational hazards.

Now I’m sure the family had a bright idea to erect a tombstone for him with a light bulb and electrical outlet. Hope he didn’t fall prey to any occupational hazards.

32. Of course, with a computer on his or her grave, this person is always online.

Still, I'm not sure whether this computer is a Mac or a PC. Then again, it probably doesn't even work to begin with.

Still, I’m not sure whether this computer is a Mac or a PC. Then again, it probably doesn’t even work to begin with.

33. Wonder what happened to this couple?

Yes, it's very likely that these two probably died in some terrible accident and it's the left person's fault. This is as far as I could tell.

Yes, it’s very likely that these two probably died in some terrible accident and it’s the left person’s fault. This is as far as I could tell.

34. Now this epitaph would be perfect on the Dowager Countess’s tombstone.

Just so you know the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey is the one played by Maggie Smith. Nevertheless, this just suits her character perfectly.

Just so you know the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey is the one played by Maggie Smith. Nevertheless, this just suits her character perfectly.

35. Yeah, dude, but be lucky that your skin wasn’t turn into a saddle ridden by fat, ugly, men.

Of course, I don't know why any guy would want this carved on his tombstone because it sounds pretty sick. Still, luckily his man didn't get his wish.

Of course, I don’t know why any guy would want this carved on his tombstone because it sounds pretty sick. Still, luckily his man didn’t get his wish.

36. Well, she could say that again.

Still, shit happens and then you die like this woman. Nevertheless, what's with the Indian figurine on her tombstone.

Still, shit happens and then you die like this woman. Nevertheless, what’s with the Indian figurine on her tombstone.

37. I don’t know about you but Met Life seems to be an interesting place to work at.

Sure this guy may have an interesting last day. Yet, though I may be unemployed, this inscription doesn't make me want to work for MetLife.

Sure this guy may have an interesting last day. Yet, though I may be unemployed, this inscription doesn’t make me want to work for MetLife.

38. Well, I’m sure you can’t be good at everything, even at your job sometimes.

According to his Mexican tombstone, Pancrazio Juvenales was a wonderful husband and father but terrible electrician. I wonder which of those three distinctions killed him at 25?

According to his Mexican tombstone, Pancrazio Juvenales was a wonderful husband and father but terrible electrician. I wonder which of those three distinctions killed him at 25?

39. Now this guy’s copper statue can’t wait to get out of his tomb.

Either George is a zombie or he just can't wait till Judgement Day. Either way, his family must've spent a fortune on this sarcophagus.

Either George is a zombie or he just can’t wait till Judgement Day. Either way, his family must’ve spent a fortune on this sarcophagus.

40. Here lies Harv and may he be remembered for seeing all these bands in concert.

Man, this guy has been to a lot of concerts consisting of 1970s and 1980s musical artists. There's Queen, Styx, Pat Benatar, Quiet Riot, Toto, Ted Nugent, Motley Crue, Ozzy Osbourne, and many more.

Man, this guy has been to a lot of concerts consisting of 1970s and 1980s musical artists. There’s Queen, Styx, Pat Benatar, Quiet Riot, Toto, Ted Nugent, Motley Crue, Ozzy Osbourne, and many more.

41. Here lies George Campell, husband to 4 different women.

Let's hope he wasn't married to them all at the same time or served as a member of some Mormon polygamist cult. Still, love the epitaph,

Let’s hope he wasn’t married to them all at the same time or served as a member of some Mormon polygamist cult. Still, love the epitaph, “I’m so happy here…I could just shit!”

42. So here lies Joseph William Burdet who died in his sleep at 52.

Something tells me he died in his sleep while he was at the wheel. I why I suspect this. Oh, yeah, the car carving on the top is kind of a dead giveaway. Yeah, falling asleep at the wheel could do that.

Something tells me he died in his sleep while he was at the wheel. I why I suspect this. Oh, yeah, the car carving on the top is kind of a dead giveaway. Yeah, falling asleep at the wheel could do that.

43. Of course, everyone should’ve known William Hahn was sick before he passed.

Looks like he lived to be 75 which isn't bad. Nevertheless, people do get sick and die of natural causes from that age. Hahn's family should've known.

Looks like he lived to be 75 which isn’t bad. Nevertheless, people do get sick and die of natural causes from that age. Hahn’s family should’ve known.

44. In the game of life, we always go into the whole on this deal as Eric W. Jr. said.

Still, I think this is part of a couple tombstone, since his last name isn't on the picture. Nevertheless, yeah, the deal with life would put you into a hole, literally.

Still, I think this is part of a couple tombstone, since his last name isn’t on the picture. Nevertheless, yeah, the deal with life would put you into a hole, literally.

45. R. I. P. James M. Brown, proof that a Texas Ranger shouldn’t mess with someone from the Chicago PD.

Sure a Texas Ranger may be a brave and noble soul in the West but he met his end at Chicago's Garfield Park Race Track, thanks to the local PD. Looks like he wasn't all that clean as he's made up to be. Then again, Western law enforcement was known to be ridden with ex-cons and corrupt as hell.

Sure a Texas Ranger may be a brave and noble soul in the West but he met his end at Chicago’s Garfield Park Race Track, thanks to the local PD. Looks like he wasn’t all that clean as he’s made up to be. Then again, Western law enforcement was known to be ridden with ex-cons and corrupt as hell.

46. Oh, that’s a nice epitaph for John, which was written by his friends. He must have great friends.

When you read the first letters of each line, you realize that John's friends are basically telling him to

When you read the first letters of each line, you realize that John’s friends are basically telling him to “Fuck You.” Pretty clever stealth insult I daresay.

47. Here lies Lester More, victim of some gunfight in Tombstone, AZ.

Yes, 4 slugs from a .44 could kill you like Lester More. Guess he pissed off the wrong gunfighter and was slow on the draw.

Yes, 4 slugs from a .44 could kill you like Lester More. Guess he pissed off the wrong gunfighter and was slow on the draw.

48. Make your grave site accommodating to your family and get a granite tombstone living room set.

Of course, this tombstone living room set might be unaffordable to most people. Still, if it wasn't made from granite, I'd take this set for my actual living room.

Of course, this tombstone living room set might be unaffordable to most people. Still, if it wasn’t made from granite, I’d take this set for my actual living room.

49. Lawrence L. Cook Jr. should’ve been faithful to his wife or his wife wouldn’t have killed him in a crime of passion.

Of course, this is what happens to some married guys who can't keep it in their pants. Well, that or what you'd see from Fatal Attraction.

Of course, this is what happens to some married guys who can’t keep it in their pants. Well, that or what you’d see from Fatal Attraction.

50. Seems like whoever under this sarcophagus really liked cows.

Is that guy sucking that cow's udder? Oh, God, that's just nasty! Still, why do they have this as a tombstone? Cemeteries should appeal to a G-rated audience for you never know if a kid is going to be there.

Is that guy sucking that cow’s udder? Oh, God, that’s just nasty! Still, why do they have this as a tombstone? Cemeteries should appeal to a G-rated audience for you never know if a kid is going to be there.

51. Here lies a tombstone with a parking meter?

Of course, if you stay at this woman's grave longer than expected, you may be ticketed or towed.

Of course, if you stay at this woman’s grave long after your time expires, you may be ticketed or towed. Still, why? Then again, she’s already expired.

52. Guess somebody seemed to like CCR a little too much.

Yet, whether this CCR fan was the deceased or the engraver, we'll never know. Still,

Yet, whether this CCR fan was the deceased or the engraver, we’ll never know. Still, “Don’t go around tonight, Well, it’s bound to take your life. There’s a bathroom on the right” Wait, I mean “bad moon on the rise.”

53. Man, someone must really have it in for the Democrats.

Of course, this guy lived during the Jacksonian Era when the Democratic Party consisted of many guys from the South who owned slaves. So perhaps he wasn't as crazy as the Republican bunch we have today.

Of course, this guy lived during the Jacksonian Era when the Democratic Party consisted of many guys from the South who owned slaves. So perhaps he wasn’t as crazy as the Republican bunch we have today.

54. Here lies an Austrailian Seaman who died during WWII nicknamed, “Chika”?

You don't think of a WWII Navy Seaman when you hear the name

You don’t think of a WWII Navy Seaman when you hear the name “Chicka” do you? Well, I guess not, but they seemed to have existed at one point.

55. Here lies Miguelin, gone to that low rider in the sky.

My mom once counseled a woman whose family was fighting over whether to bury her deceased father in his Corvette. Of course, it seems that you can bury someone in a low rider in Latin America or so it seems.

My mom once counseled a woman whose family was fighting over whether to bury her deceased father in his Corvette. Of course, it seems that you can bury someone in a low rider in Latin America or so it seems.

56. Nothing makes a dead person seem so sleazy like a pool table on your tombstone.

Strange, this is for a couple, not a guy who'd have a Dogs Playing Poker picture. Still, let's say the tombstone was the man's idea.

Strange, this is for a couple, not a guy who’d have a Dogs Playing Poker picture. Still, let’s say the tombstone was the man’s idea.

57. Looks like the Ivisons found a place to park in Georgetown.

Then again, they may have found a place to park in Georgetown, but they didn't get there at the same time.

Then again, they may have found a place to park in Georgetown, but they didn’t get there at the same time.

58. R. I. P. Fred, killed by rock.

Read this tombstone as a reminder to be wary of large falling rocks that could hit your head. If you want to live, no less.

Read this tombstone as a reminder to be wary of large falling rocks that could hit your head. If you want to live, no less.

59. Rest in Peace Gustava and by the way, your Ricardo is a cheapskate.

So what if Ricardo didn't give any money to pay for his dad's grave? Then again, being that this grave's in Mexico, he could have a ton of excuses like being poor or having to worry about drug cartels.

So what if Ricardo didn’t give any money to pay for his dad’s grave? Then again, being that this grave’s in Mexico, he could have a ton of excuses like being poor or having to worry about drug cartels.

60. Now a cemetery on land is the last place I’d see Spongebob Squarepants, especially in uniform.

Now I may have seen many things in a cemetery, but I haven't seen a monument quite like this. Still, I don't think Spongebob has a place in a cemetery, and why erect such a monument in the first place?

Now I may have seen many things in a cemetery, but I haven’t seen a monument quite like this. Still, I don’t think Spongebob has a place in a cemetery, and why erect such a monument in the first place?

61. R. I. P. Bill Kugle, no fan of Republicans.

Of course, I don't vote for Republicans either but that because they're just crazy, egocentrically religious nutjobs, Corporate American lapdogs, idiots or all of the above in my book. Of course, this is jut my political opinion but I could see Kugle's point.

Of course, I don’t vote for Republicans either but that because they’re just crazy, egocentrically religious nutjobs, Corporate American lapdogs, idiots or all of the above in my book. Of course, this is jut my political opinion but I could see Kugle’s point.

62. Ladies and gentlemen, this person has logged out.

Let's just hope that

Let’s just hope that “connection reset by peer” isn’t synonymous with “murder,” shall we? Still, too bad he didn’t live past 28.

63. Of course, fender could be a lot of things in our culture, but I think the one on this tombstone refers to a saddle.

Judging by the tombstone being made from a possibly marble (meaning

Judging by the tombstone being made from a possibly marble (meaning “old”), it’s likely that Wathel Bender was killed in some literal foul horseplay or some equine accident if you will. Also, who names their kid Wathel?

64. According to his epitaph, this guy was a bit of a drinker.

Sure Grover Cleveland Nichols may have liked his whiskey, but it's amazing that he lived to be 87 as you see by his life dates.

Sure Grover Cleveland Nichols may have liked his whiskey, but it’s amazing that he lived to be 87 as you see by his life dates. Of course, he may have stopped drinking by that time but we’ll never know.

65. Of course, you might be able to parallel park at this tomb sites but the parking meters are both expired.

Still, I wonder about the identities about this couple buried here. I mean I can't even read the tombstone since it's so flat.

Still, I wonder about the identities about this couple buried here. I mean I can’t even read the tombstone since it’s so flat.

66. Sure it may be a cheesy poem, but it gets creepy real quick.

Yeah, I could see why your love may be taboo. Then again, being in love with a dead (or technically dead) person is understandable. This is why a lot of kids like Twilight despite that it's a romance between a teenage girl and a 107 year old guy who attends her local high school.

Yeah, I could see why your love may be taboo. Then again, being in love with a dead (or technically dead) person is understandable. This is why a lot of kids like Twilight despite that it’s a romance between a teenage girl and a 107 year old vampire guy who attends her local high school. I think I’d rather stick to Harold & Maude and Venus when it comes to May December romance stories pertaining to teenagers.

67. It seemed that Lola S. Holt was accepting of her fate by the end.

Of course, I don't understand why the life dates had to be screwed on. The birth one, especially. I mean one should at least be certain of that.

Of course, I don’t understand why the life dates had to be screwed on. The birth one, especially. I mean one should at least be certain of that.

68. Lester Mack Fender seemed to be a bit of a fixer upper in life as I could see.

Now I hope the guy didn't have some sort of screw loose before he kicked the bucket. Still, a wrench is a perfect tombstone for those Mr. Fixit types, isn't it?

Now I hope the guy didn’t have some sort of screw loose before he kicked the bucket. Still, a wrench is a perfect tombstone for those Mr. Fixit types, isn’t it?

69. Of course, how about place the deceased’s photo on the piano grave stone?

Yes, they put photos on graves stones back in 1911 though it's probably much more difficult and expensive than it is now. Same goes for the piano tombstone, which is a spinet, I believe.

Yes, they put photos on graves stones back in 1911 though it’s probably much more difficult and expensive than it is now. Same goes for the piano tombstone, which is a spinet, I believe.

70. Seems like this guy’s love for Star Wars lived on beyond the grave.

Then again, I bet his favorite Star Wars character was perhaps the wrinkly green guy who most people could imitate. Too bad this kid died before he could see Yoda kick ass in the prequels.

Then again, I bet his favorite Star Wars character was perhaps the wrinkly green guy who most people could imitate. Too bad this kid died before he could see Yoda kick ass in the prequels.

71. Some children’s graves have lambs, others have actual children on them.

I don't know about you, but does anyone else think these graves stones are incredibly creepy? Seriously, they are.

I don’t know about you, but does anyone else think these graves stones are incredibly creepy? Seriously, kiddie graves are scary enough but ones with babies in cribs or high chair, well, eek.

72. Two roads, one choice. Where will John Payn go now that he’s dead? Well, there’s only one way to find out.

Will John get to spend his eternal days in heaven or will he suffer the fate of eternal damnation? Stay tuned for more.....eventually.

Will John get to spend his eternal days in heaven or will he suffer the fate of eternal damnation? Stay tuned for more…..eventually.

73. For man’s best friend, how about a tombstone of Snoopy on his dog house?

Of course, a granite tombstone of Snoopy wouldn't necessarily be for a dog. I mean that would just be insane wouldn't it?

Of course, a granite tombstone of Snoopy wouldn’t necessarily be for a dog. I mean that would just be insane wouldn’t it?

74. Now a clothes pin tombstone isn’t what you’d see in every cemetery.

Now I kind of understand the notion of having tombstones of Spongebob, Snoopy, or a happy dolphin. But this? Well, I just have no clue why anyone would want a granite tombstone on their graves.

Now I kind of understand the notion of having tombstones of Spongebob, Snoopy, or a happy dolphin. But this? Well, I just have no clue why anyone would want a granite tombstone on their graves.

75. Someone seems to be a big fan of the Rolling Stones. At least it’s “Paint It Black.”

Now I'm sure a tombstone like this can't get no satisfaction among the guy's parents. Well, if they were like my grandparents and still alive so to speak.

Now I’m sure a tombstone like this can’t get no satisfaction among the guy’s parents. Well, if they were like my grandparents and still alive so to speak.

76. Have a drink on Karl Bratz.

The fact his grave has a keg makes me wonder if alcohol had anything to do with his death. Probably did.

The fact his grave has a keg makes me wonder if alcohol had anything to do with his death. Probably did.

77. Here lies Micah Green, a man surrounded by idiots.

Yes, he may have seen dumb people. But somehow he seemed quite relatable.

Yes, he may have seen dumb people. But he probably wasn’t too bright himself since he died at 16. Hope his death wasn’t his fault.

78. Of course, this tomb has everything on tap.

My guess this person owned a bar while alive. Because I know bartenders don't make a lot to have a tombstone like that.

My guess this person owned a bar while alive. Because I know bartenders don’t make a lot to have a tombstone like that.

79. If you want to reach your deceased loved one, call.

Of course, I really don't know the number to reach Heaven. Then again, you might have to die before you dial for the heavens.

Of course, I really don’t know the number to reach Heaven. Then again, you might have to die before you dial for the heavens.

80. Here lies Pauline J. Weinberg, loved more in death than in life.

Guess jerks have to die, too, you know. Wonder how her family wrote about her in her obituary.

Guess jerks have to die, too, you know. Wonder how her family wrote about her in her obituary.