As a chronically unemployed blogger, I tend to see myself doomed to a lifetime of seeking and applying for jobs that I really wouldn’t have if it weren’t for the money. Of course, I’ve just set up a better domain name and applied for advertising I’ll see how that goes (even though I still had to pay for the domain and mapping). But even when I’m good to go, I may not be completely liberated from having to search for a job (unless I try getting my book published again). But I have managed to improve traffic in recent months. Let’s just say when it comes to the job market, having is better than wanting. Now most of the jobs I’ve had were sporadic with an expiration date and don’t last long. But at least it’s something. However, most of the entry-level office jobs I actually want come with much more stipulations such as work experience which really pisses me off. Seriously, I have skills and experience but it’s just that I don’t get paid for it at least currently. Nevertheless, there are plenty of want ads out there that seem like they’re written by businesses and people who really don’t have any clue. Whether they be newspaper classifieds, help wanted signs, or online Craigslist ads. I once found a writing want ad with so many typos and grammar mistakes that it was ridiculous. So without further adieu, here are some job listings that I advise even the most desperate job seekers to avoid. Some of these may not be safe for work but must be posted anyway since they’re just too crazy to ignore.
1. Litterbox Cleaner: Must work for pancakes.
Cleaning litter boxes for a nominal fee like $7.25 an hour would seem reasonable. Cleaning litter boxes for pancakes is just plain crazy. Seriously, working for pancakes? I’m not that desperate.
2. Now hiring someone to dress up as a velociraptor.
If this job was advertised in the Pittsburgh area instead of Vancouver, I’d gladly apply. However, I don’t really have much experience wearing costumes but I’ll happily go for training. Seriously, $15/hr is a good deal.
3. Wanted: Female model for future iconic photo shoot. Don’t expect compensation other than a bag lunch and SPF 30.
Okay, this ad was probably written by some amateur male photographer (or student) who thinks too highly of himself. Seriously, the ad is simply hysterical to read that I’d just want to see the result.
4. Wanted: Hole digger for a guy who’s planning a homicide while his wife’s out of town.
Reading this ad, it’s obvious this guy is secretly planning to kill somebody on the first week of October. From grave dimensions to the insistence that it must be dug under the cover of night. Seriously, if you an ad like this, answering it will get you charged with aiding and abetting.
5. Wanted: Babysitter but for druggie couple. Unlikeable losers with no self-esteem and social skills preferred.
Okay, maybe spending Saturday night with some whiny little kids isn’t such a bad gig after all. At least they’re cute, fun to play with, and innocent enough not to know better. Seriously, this couple is looking for an enabler who won’t expect much in return. What they really need is an intervention.
6. Hiring girl for $50 to determine which is the bigger dick.
Now a job posting for penis sizing. That’s a new one. Still, while it may lead a girl to look at other guys’ dicks, at least it won’t get her charged with a crime.
7. Wanted: Part time personal assistant for naturist couple.
You know your job interview is going to be awkward when the people responsible want ad have to explain their reasons for adopting a lifestyle that would make certain people uncomfortable. But a part time job that pays $20-25/hour isn’t that bad.
8. Wanted: 2 hot twin assassins to serve as bodyguards for deranged rich guy. People with glasses need not apply. Interview conducted in undisclosed location.
You’d expect to find an ad like this in an action movie since billionaires tend to be prime targets in those all the time. However, this ad is just so ridiculous that you’d swear this guy doesn’t exist.
9. Gay male computer geek in Santa Fe wanted to help middle aged gay guy meet other men online.
As far as want ads or personal ads go, I’m not sure whether this one is either one or the other. Seriously, he seems like he kind of wants a companion than tech tips.
10. Actress wanted to flirt with boyfriend. I wonder what can go wrong with that.
Seems like this woman wants to hire an actress to flirt with her fiance because she really doesn’t trust him around other women. Seriously, if I saw an ad like this on Craigslist, I’d wonder about this woman’s relationship.
11. Wanted: Flexible, intelligent, and friendly workaholic for all shifts. No vacation or sick leave.
Well, with a post like this, you’d think this advertised just about anything from fast food to retail. Still, I have to admire the employer’s brutal honesty here but I wonder if they need to lower their standards a bit.
12. Wanted: Lawn care worker. Hula hoop required.
Why you’d need a hula hoop for lawn care, I have no idea. Seriously, I have yet to see what kind of lawn tasks a hula hoop can accomplish. These are the kind of things YouTube can come in handy for.
13. Babysitters somehow seem highly sought after whether it be for little kids, druggies, or comatose grandmas.
Now a hyperactive child for $10 is one thing. But this guy seems to want a babysitter for his grandma because he wants to change her will. Of course, the poster declined in a very passionate fashion.
14. Wanted: Expendable minions for world domination attempt. Must work 24-7 for little or no pay. No weirdos, please.
I’m sure this is a joke since no sane person would want to work for a Fascist psychpath boss 24/7 for little or no pay. Then again, noting how many henchmen get virtually no respect in fiction, this explains a lot.
15. Part time saleslady wanted who won’t be a bitch and can take sexual harassment.
Okay, with an ad like this, it’s clear that the employer is a real asshole who has absolutely no respect for women. Seriously, if you’re a woman and you see job notice like this, just look away.
16. Help Wanted: Hipsters, globetrotters, and artist types need not apply.
Let’s just say when it comes to employees Vinnie’s Pizza has a pretty low view for people in bands, people with art gallery openings, and people wanting to go to Europe.
17. Now hiring accountant. Must go through ASAP course.
Seems like this ad has a few errors in it and I’m not sure that an ASAP course even exists. Also, it doesn’t display any contact information whatsoever.
18. Hiring computer engineers to solve difficult problem. Must solve for number here.
This company must really be desperate for computer engineers since they leave the numbers for x and y for you. Also, I can actually guess the number is 044-876-8000 with some calculation. Seriously, why can’t they just have applicants solve for x and y?
19. Novelist seeking mentally ill people to interview for new book. Must be successful and interesting.
Let’s just say that this person would save far more time and money if they’d just check out the biography section of their local library or Wikipedia. Seriously, there are a ton of celebrities and historical figures out there who’d fit this ad’s description perfectly. May I recommend Andrew Jackson.
20. Night and weekend cab drivers wanted. Former getaway drivers preferred.
For the former mob getaway driver who’s now on witness protection, this will be the perfect job for you. Then again, I’m not sure if getaway drivers have good driving skills.
21. Become a school bus driver. Have evenings and weekends off, no take home work, and $16.25/hr doing what most parents do for free.
As funny as these ads are, they’re very effective. These would make anyone want to drive a school bus. Then again, I’m not sure $16.25/hr is worth dealing with complete brats.
22. Experienced bartenders who can understand complete drunken gibberish wanted.
Deciphered, this says, “Ah, fine, I’ll have one more before I go home.” Of course, when someone says this in the correct pronunciation, they’re completely drunk and shouldn’t be served.
23. Legitimate Job Wanted: Ex-pot smuggler seeks alternative line of work after jail sentence.
Aside from from the obvious criminal record, and prison sentence, this guy really seems to emphasize his qualifications. Of course, he should have no trouble finding work in Washington State or Colorado.
24. Bodyguard wanted, must be great boyfriend material.
Now I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure if this woman is looking for a bodyguard or a boyfriend. And it seems like her perfect man is an action hero.
25. Now firing, apply within.
This is a great sign to show how even the smallest typo can change a whole meaning. Yeah, I suggest they fix the mistake and replace the sign. Because I’m sure nobody would want to work for them with that.
26. Smiling faces wanted for drug testing.
Yes, they want smiling faces but if you show up too happy, they may think you’re high. Still, if this is for some minimum wage service job, I suppose happy drug free people will be hard to come by.
27. Workers wanted, preferably female for kitchen jobs.
So I suppose this is a sexist workplace. I’m sure men can do kitchen work just as well as women. I’ll take a pass on that.
28. Help wanted to put out house fire ASAP.
For one, if your house is burning, why can’t you just call 911 for the fucking fire department for God’s sake? Any normal person would do the same thing. Also, if your house caught fire an hour ago, I’m sure there will be nothing left. Seriously, this guy’s an idiot.
29. Wanted: Some fucking loser stoner who knows anything about Apple products.
Man, this person really seems to swear a lot on Craigslist. Still, I wouldn’t want to work for this jerk $200/hr or not. Also, for a lawyer spending $.95 on iTunes songs is nothing. So why complain about it?
30. Now hiring for a male escort service?
I don’t know about you but this sign gives the phrase, “work hard” a whole new meaning. And I’m sure they need to change, “people” to “men” particularly middle aged men with erectile dysfunction.
31. Taxidermy place needs deer skinner for hunting season.
Yeah, seems like deer hunters need not visit this taxidermy place, at least until they find a new skinner. Wonder how they lost the last guy.
32. Help Wanted: Polish need not apply.
I wonder what this employer has against Polish people. I can’t understand why Jack Krasozowski should be turned down due to his ethnic heritage.
33. Young girls wanted for pickling and bottling? What the hell?
I suppose either this person is a cannibal with a preference for pickled girls or really had no idea how people would read it. Either way, I’m not sure if I want to work there.
34. Help Wanted: Sirius persons only apply within
So if you’re not Harry Potter’s fugitive godfather who can transform into a shaggy black dog, you probably shouldn’t apply. As to why anyone would want to hire Sirius, I have no idea.
35. Now hiring someone who has a clue.
On one hand, you might think getting a job there is easy. On the other hand, if an employer wants to hire someone with a clue, it might mean this might not be a great place to work.
36. Work at Murder Burger. Here’s a flyer of our restaurant policy.
Now while working at a fast food joint may be one of the most soul sucking and thankless jobs ever, at least this want ad is honest about their policy. Still, it’s pretty funny. Love what they say about politicians.
37. Wanted: Pretty and ugly exotic dancers for titty bar.
You have to admit, at least this has less workplace discrimination than Hooters, in regards to their hiring practices. Still, wouldn’t want to work there.
38. Looking for female deli staff. Former gymnasts and contortionists preferred.
I’m sure flexibility has to do with schedule. But I’m not sure if people would get the idea, especially if they want women.
39. Wanted: Pizza cook. Must have masters in S. Y. M.
It actually means “shutting your mouth.” Still, they also want no crybabies and people able to read a schedule.
40. McDonalds: Now hiring losers at $6 an hour.
I can see why people working at McDonalds want a $15 wage. However, even if they did pay $15/hr, I’d still not want to work there. Or eat there for their food is disgusting.
41. Now hiring truck drivers and they’re really needed.
Yes, seems like they really need truck drivers there from how this trailer truck is turned over. Of course, when it comes to truck drivers, they’re really hard to fire.
42. Help Wanted: Must dominate the English language.
I’m not sure “dominate” is the right word here. Seriously, this person doesn’t seem to have as much understanding of the English language as he or she thinks.
43. Want a job opportunity in broadcasting? Work as a janitor.
I’m sure when it comes to broadcasting, I don’t think maintenance work comes to mind. Seriously, who wants to get into broadcasting expecting to dust, clean, sanitize, polish, spot wash, empty trash, gather recyclables, and replace light bulbs?
44. Wanted: Office Assistant/Receptionist. Must be experienced in voicemail, Microsoft Office, and switchboard operating?
Guess they aren’t looking for anyone under 80 in this line of work. Seriously, who the hell would have experience in operating a switchboard which is just so early 20th century?
45. Work at our coffee shop for your boyfriend will ask you for gas money eventually.
This employer seems to assume that only a certain type of woman will want to work for them. As to why some boyfriends would ask their girlfriends for gas money, I have no idea nor would I want to know.
46. Dwarf wanted to impersonate Oompa Loompa for sorority event.
Seems like this sorority party’s theme is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I’d sure hate to read the Craigslist ads calling for naughty kids to torture.
47. Waiters and Waitresses Wanted for swingers party, but as for gender composition I can’t be sure.
The heading says 2 waiters and 2 waitresses. But reading the description they seem to ask for either 3 waitresses and 1 waiter or 3 waiters and 1 waitress. Seems like this couple can’t make up their mind.
48. Wanted: Personal Texting Assistant.
For one, how is it possible for someone to receive 40-50 texts an hour. Second, I’m sure that this person needs to respond to texts less often or not respond to all their texts.
49. Now hiring pubic hair trimmers?
For one, how many people have their pubic hair trimmed? Secondly, how in the hell are there people who make a living trimming pubic hair? Third, how is pubic hair trimming a business?
50. Wanted: Male talent for shooting, er-I mean photo shooting with kitchen products.
I know this ad is seeking male talent for an ad photo shoot. Of course, when you have the words, “shooting in the back,” in your job posting, people tend to get the wrong idea.
51. Staff wanted, but don’t think we don’t have standards because we do.
Of course, if you’re under 18, smelly, irresponsible, whiny, dishonest, rude, an alien, and with a short attention span and no common sense, this job isn’t for you. Still, at least they’re honest.
52. Piano player wanted, must be able to open clams.
Had no idea that opening clams was an essential skill to being an adept piano player. Seriously, what does clam opening have to do with piano playing anyway? It’s not, “Break us some clams, you’re the piano man/ Break us some clams tonight/Well, we’re all in the mood for some chowder/And you got us feeling alright….”
53. Hiring weekend cashier, must not look like Skeletor.
Being born in the 1990s, I’m sure that people around my age have no idea of He-Man or who Skeletor was. I mean those cartoons are from the 1980s.
54. Seems like this place is hiring for its Going Out of Business Sale.
Yeah, because I’m not sure how else would any place be hiring new people during a store closing. Maybe they’re just betting on people desperate for work at this point.
55. Surgeon Wanted: No experience necessary. Must have own tools.
Now this would be a rather reasonable job posting….for a pirate ship in the 17th century. Seriously, it was all about hacking limbs and knowing their way around with a saw.
56. Join 10x Marketing or die.
Now I know that Darth Vader is a cultural icon. But still, this is a guy is a boss from hell known to force choke his employees, blow up his daughter’s planet, and cut off his son’s hand. Seriously, would you want a guy like that on a recruitment poster?
57. Tired of working $9.75/hr, here’s a job for $5-7/hr.
Yeah, I’ll take a pass on this. Seriously, compared to what they offer $9.75/hr isn’t that bad, especially if it pertains to a job paying $5-7/hr.
58. Start a career in a fast paced lucrative pudding business for adverse working conditions.
Benefits include long hard hours, very low pay, lots of heavy lifting, working for a ball busting asshole, no benefits, and no advancement. Must be a college grad.
59. Men wanted for hazardous journey. See Ernest Shackleton for details.
This is an ad for the Ernest Shackleton Antarctic expedition. Of course, despite the abysmal job description, he managed to get guys on board. Luckily they all survived the Endurance one.
60. Waitress Needed: Seeking 18 year old with 20 years experience.
Hmmm…18 year old with 20 years experience. Wonder how that’s possible. Wait a minute, it’s not. Yeah, somebody must’ve messed up with this ad big time.
61. Spanish disco seeks energetic young dancers for Friday nights. Must wear Star Wars costume.
I’m sure there will be plenty of Star Wars fans who will jump at this opportunity. Of course, many of them would really hat to work between midnight and 4:30 am.
62.Wanted: Hay chewer.
Seriously, you’d have to be incredibly nuts to apply for this job. I mean the job description is utterly disgusting.
63. Now hiring at Blockbuster. Please no dinosaurs in human costumes.
Dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years. So the odds of them being in a human costume is basically nil. Guess working at a video store can drive you nuts.
64. Exxon: Now hiring and by the way, we pay more than the NYPD.
If Exxon seems to pay more than the NYPD, then I’m sure that those guys in blue are basically working for peanuts. No wonder they commit so many atrocities on black people.
65. Help wanted: Many positions available.
I’m sure this is a joke. If not, then it’s probably some recruitment sign for a prostitution ring. Yes, dirty silhouette people you see on restrooms have sex lives, too.
66. Wanted: Babysitter for adopted daughter. Call 24601.
Again, this is a joke. Yeah, nice try Jean Valjean. Love the “May or may not be during an attempted revival of the French Revolution.”
67. Now hiring fried turkeys.
I’m sure this is a case of bad ad placement. Seriously, who’d want to hire fried turkeys. Still pretty funny.
68. Kitchen Helf Wated.
Seems like they need someone with good English skills. Either that, or someone who knows how to spell simple words like “help” or “wanted.”
69. Wanted: Female Snail Crusher.
Of course, they will be paid via vouchers from Amazon. Still, this is said to be posted by film students. As to why they want female snail crushers, I have no idea.
70. Good news! Spongebob is at Burger King hiring managers.
Of course, this is a result when advertising to customers gets in the way of advertising to job seekers. Yeah, might make people think “Hey, I didn’t know Spongebob worked at Burger King.”
71. Have what it takes to be an Air Force engineer? Call the number below.
Now this is the kind of complex math engineers would certainly deal with. Yes, this is certainly incomprehensible to people like me.
72. Interested in graphic design. Then be a freelance studio assistant.
Sure you’ll be working with an advertising agency. But you’ll basically be a gopher in this position, which is kind of like an internship.
73. Be a part time server at our establishment, but you must meet the following criteria.
Now there may be some relevant disqualifications here such as being a sociopath, mean, or crazy. But some of these are just so irrelevant to the job such as not liking Batman, for instance.
74. Wanted: Intern required for stuff.
Of course, this job has some fine qualifications. But the job title is very nonspecific other than it being from Glasgow. Yet, liking bourbon and a song on You Tube, how does that make anyone eligible?
75. People needed for Burger Bar. Politics students and P addicts need not apply.
Again, you have to love Murder Burger. Not sure what their food is like. But their ads seem like they’re written by complete curmudgeons and are hilarious.
76. Wanted: Clinical Scientists for our graveyard shits.
Should be “graveyard shifts.” A great example of how leaving one letter can just change the whole meaning of the ad.
77. In Islamabad, they have very high standards for potential employees in Chinese restaurants.
Now 5 years experience for a waiter or barman is one thing, but 5 star hotel? You got to be kidding me. Talk about impossible standards.
78. Wanted: Head Coach of Division I College Basketball.
Now you have to admit, that the University of Nevada Las Vegas is really desperate for a head basketball coach. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have advertised it on Craigslist.
79. Wanted: Photographer for adult film star party.
“Must be comfortable around little people,” well, that’s not really the thing in this case. Seriously, nudity and sex is one thing, but involving live animals in it, then it’s just disgusting.
80. Wanted: Two people to play Dungeons and Dragons with.
For one, since when can you send a resume telepathically? Second, I’m sure satisfaction of cosmic justice isn’t enough for someone to live on.