Personal Ads Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

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Whether it be on Craigslist or the newspaper classifieds, personal ads have served as a way for people to meet one another for dates. Some do personal ads since they may not know people in the area or live in places with a small dating pool such as gays and those who probably dated everyone in town who’s not married as well as too old to be their child but too young to be their parents. Others want to meet people but don’t want it to be known in their public life. Of course, we all have reasons for seeking dates this way whether it be looking for a spouse or just a one night stand. Some people who put out personal ads may already be married and just looking to either swing or have a little on the side. Still, not all personal ads pertain to necessarily dating but plenty of them do, at least those we tend to make fun of. They usually include a description of the person and their interests. Those who are interested contact the person posting either through listed information or a forwarding service. Nevertheless, though some may post photos, the person posting it usually does it anonymously. Now I can go on and on about the great personal ads I’ve seen but that’s limited and I’m not sure if I want to resort to that when I have internet dating (but I’m far more interested in trying to establish myself as a writer and get a long term steady job that’ll get me out of my parents home, though I will take exceptions if the right guy comes along). Instead, I’ll post some of the more unusual and funny personal ads of people you may or may not want to date. Some of these may not be safe for work. So without further adieu, here are some personal ads to laugh at this Valentine’s Day season.

1. While some try to make sure the message fits the ad, this one took two placements to get his message across.

He just had to take 2 spots in the paper to ask his girlfriend a very important question: to make dinner so he could finish Breaking Bad. Of course, some people might agree.

He just had to take 2 spots in the paper to ask his girlfriend a very important question: to make dinner so he could finish Breaking Bad. Of course, some people might agree.

2. Some guys put themselves out there on the dating scene with the local classifieds. Some do it with Craigslist and online dating. But this guy does it with an entire billboard.

Then again, if he has to put his personal ad on a billboard, he's probably very rich and very desperate. Still, I wouldn't date this guy since he's a returned missionary (since I'm Catholic, it's a deal breaker) and his sense of humor is questionable.

Then again, if he has to put his personal ad on a billboard, he’s probably very rich and very desperate. Still, I wouldn’t date this guy since he’s a returned missionary (since I’m Catholic, it’s a deal breaker) and his sense of humor is questionable.

3. When a female farmer is looking for a man, she does her own personal ad with a tractor.

Never has looking for love ever used up so much gasoline. And she isn't even involved in a long distance relationship either.

Never has looking for love ever used up so much gasoline. And she isn’t even involved in a long distance relationship either.

4. I’m sure this ad is only honest when you read lines 1, 3, and 5. Pervert.

When you just read lines 1, 3, and 5 it says: "A tall well-built woman with good legs who appreciates a good fucking without getting too serious." Yeah, he's not looking for a relationship with a woman who can cook frog legs and likes fuchsia gardens and classical music. He wants to get laid.

When you just read lines 1, 3, and 5 it says: “A tall well-built woman with good legs who appreciates a good fucking without getting too serious.” Yeah, he’s not looking for a relationship with a woman who can cook frog legs and likes fuchsia gardens and classical music. He wants to get laid.

5. While some may long for a companion, others want someone to satisfy their particular uh, fetishes.

I can't believe that this was posted by a senior citizen. I think this might be by the dead father from Death at a Funeral if I'm not mistaken. Then again, Peter Dinkledge wasn't a carnie and I'm not sure about the scat and diaper sniffing fetish.

I can’t believe that this was posted by a senior citizen. I think this might be by the dead father from Death at a Funeral if I’m not mistaken. Then again, Peter Dinkledge wasn’t a carnie and I’m not sure about the scat and diaper sniffing fetish.

6. Of course, it’s not always the young who seek just to hook up with during a one night stand.

The fact the guy has Viagra basically means he's above a certain age and has erectile dysfunction. However, I'm not surprised that he's looking for women between 18 and 80 since Idaho doesn't have a lot of people living there to begin with.

The fact the guy has Viagra basically means he’s above a certain age and has erectile dysfunction. However, I’m not surprised that he’s looking for women between 18 and 80 since Idaho doesn’t have a lot of people living there to begin with.

7. So that’s how Kermit met Piggy. Wait, I’ve seen The Muppet Movie and I’m pretty sure they met in person.

The description in this ad basically sums up Miss Piggy perfectly. Not sure how a frog and pig would be sexually compatible, let alone be able to have children.

The description in this ad basically sums up Miss Piggy perfectly. Not sure how a frog and pig would be sexually compatible, let alone be able to have children.

8. Basically this ad says: “Go out with me because I spent $340 on this ad though I can’t pay for your dinner.”

He also wants a woman to have restaurant coupons if you read the fine print on the bottom.  Still, according to his description may be good looking enough since he's 6'1," 170 lbs with brown hair and blue eyes as well as 28. Then again, his spending habits are questionable.

He also wants a woman to have restaurant coupons if you read the fine print on the bottom. Still, according to his description may be good looking enough since he’s 6’1,” 170 lbs with brown hair and blue eyes as well as 28. Then again, his spending habits are questionable.

9. Sometimes in personal ads, you find guys who have impossible standards.

Sorry, dude, but I think it's time to lower your standards. For God's sake, you might need to drop the double jointed supermodel with open minded twin sister to start with. Also, you don't want a girl who grows pot unless you live in Colorado or Washington State. And you thought women were picky.

Sorry, dude, but I think it’s time to lower your standards. For God’s sake, you might need to drop the double jointed supermodel with open minded twin sister to start with. Also, you don’t want a girl who grows pot unless you live in Colorado or Washington State. And you thought women were picky.

10. 33 year old male seeks meeting and boning women and couples as well as form or join a sex club.

It's kind of funny how you see a picture of a geeky professional with plastic rimmed glasses while reading a description of wanting to be a swinger. Of course, this is from the 1960s. Guess hippies weren't the only ones believing in free love at the time.

It’s kind of funny how you see a picture of a geeky professional with plastic rimmed glasses while reading a description of wanting to be a swinger. Of course, this is from the 1960s. Guess hippies weren’t the only ones believing in free love at the time.

11. Wanted: Women for our swingers club because we’re executives and there aren’t man women among us because it’s the 1960s.

Of course, this is a perfect place for the cast of Mad Men, well, at least those who are young like Don Draper. Nevertheless, have to appreciate that they're not picky since they'll even take gay divorcees, yet I'm not sure it that means divorced lesbians.

Of course, this is a perfect place for the cast of Mad Men, well, at least those who are young like Don Draper. Nevertheless, have to appreciate that they’re not picky since they’ll even take gay divorcees, yet I’m not sure it that means divorced lesbians.

12. Now personal ads don’t always have to be about getting dates. This woman just wants her purse back.

Woman was probably drunk at the time when the person she's seeking out in question drove her home. She could also try one of the the bars. Has to be around somehow.

Woman was probably drunk at the time when the person she’s seeking out in question drove her home. She could also try one of the the bars. Has to be around somehow.

13. Some people find that personal ads sometimes make them express their poetic inclinations.

Now it seems this guy wants to find this Francesca who's possibly upset with him. Yet, if he can't get her back, he'd settle for a dominatrix. This is according to my interpretation.

Now it seems this guy wants to find this Francesca who’s possibly upset with him. Yet, if he can’t get her back, he’d settle for a dominatrix. This is according to my interpretation.

14. Now this is what I call a dirty old man who may a possible candidate for John Boehner’s biological father.

Yes, he has the Boehner "Groot" tan we all remember from the House Speaker's appearance during Obama's last State of the Union speech. Unlike the gentleman from Ohio though, there's a good chance his tan is natural.

Yes, he has the Boehner “Groot” tan we all remember from the House Speaker’s appearance during Obama’s last State of the Union speech. Unlike the gentleman from Ohio though, there’s a good chance his tan is natural.

15. Young educated Frenchman seeks rich older woman in the 19th century. I wonder what’s this for?

I don't know about you, but would it be rude of me to say that this guy is advertising for a sugar mama? Seriously, if he had a thing for older women, he wouldn't have to include the word, "wealth" right?

I don’t know about you, but would it be rude of me to say that this guy is advertising for a sugar mama? Seriously, if he had a thing for older women, he wouldn’t have to include the word, “wealth” right?

16. Sometimes there are some people who post personal ads who really shouldn’t, like married people or priests.

I almost didn't post this but I had to since it's just so ridiculous and disturbing. Now this priest isn't really breaking his vow of celibacy by confessing to being turned on by a lady he met in the confessional (though he might intend to as the subtext reads). His real Catholic crime is breaking the seal of confession by posting certain details of this woman's sins on Craigslist. Of course, chances are he's probably not a real priest if he's Catholic. If not, then someone's about to be defrocked if the bishop finds out.

I almost didn’t post this but I had to since it’s just so ridiculous and disturbing. Now this priest isn’t really breaking his vow of celibacy by confessing to being turned on by a lady he met in the confessional (though he might intend to as the subtext reads). His real Catholic crime is breaking the seal of confession by posting certain details of this woman’s sins on Craigslist. Of course, chances are he’s probably not a real priest if he’s Catholic. If not, then someone’s about to be defrocked if the bishop finds out.

17. Sometimes it’s love at first sight. Other times, at first smell.

Now this is the kind of personal ad my grandfather would love, for entertainment purposes. I mean farting in the bread aisle, that's too much.

Now this is the kind of personal ad my grandfather would love, for entertainment purposes. I mean farting in the bread aisle, that’s too much.

18. Of course, you’d find a lot of divorced people posting personal ads but I’m not sure if this woman is ready to move on yet.

From what I've read in this ad, it's very clear that this middle age woman needs a therapist since she's certainly not ready to start dating again. Yes, I know she's upset about her husband's cheating but still.

From what I’ve read in this ad, it’s very clear that this middle age woman needs a therapist since she’s certainly not ready to start dating again. Yes, I know she’s upset about her husband’s cheating but still.

19. 35 year old engineer seeks woman to marry so he can get ahead in his business.

Man, seems like engineers haven't changed much since the 1920s. Who's to bet that he's the great grandfather of somebody from The Big Bang Theory? Probably the Sheldon Cooper of his day. Also like how he says that flappers and divorcees save their stamps.

Man, seems like engineers haven’t changed much since the 1920s. Who’s to bet that he’s the great grandfather of somebody from The Big Bang Theory? Probably the Sheldon Cooper of his day. Also like how he says that flappers and divorcees save their stamps. Also, the bank reference bit suggests, “gold digger.”

20. Two guys request two women to live happily ever after with-in the closet.

Man, this one shows how we came a long way with gay rights. Guess these guys don't have a gay friendly boss. Still, I'm not sure if marrying lesbians is their idea of "fun."

Man, this one shows how we came a long way with gay rights. Guess these guys don’t have a gay friendly boss. Still, I’m not sure if marrying lesbians is their idea of “fun.”

21. Now this guy certainly has his mojo rising.

I wonder if this is Jim Morrison's personal ad. I mean he was born in early December, was of normal height, had brown hair and blue eyes, was a baritone who performed with the Doors, a lounge act, and considered himself a poet. Yet, if it is, offer is for a limited time only until he gets fat and is found dead in his bathtub in 1971 at 27.  It doesn't look good, ladies. And you don't want me to tell you about his substance abuse and reputed womanizing.

I wonder if this is Jim Morrison’s personal ad. I mean he was born in early December, was of normal height, had brown hair and blue eyes, was a baritone who performed with the Doors, a lounge act, and considered himself a poet. Yet, if it is, offer is for a limited time only until he gets fat and is found dead in his bathtub in 1971 at 27. It doesn’t look good, ladies. And you don’t want me to tell you about his substance abuse and reputed womanizing.

22. Of course, while some guys put out personal ads for hos, some try to get bros to do, you know, guy stuff.

Now I got to wonder about this guy's sexual orientation for methinks he may doth protesteth too much. I mean this ad screams closet case or as if he's trying to prove he's not light in the loafers by engaging in "manly" pursuits. Seriously, I have neighbors who go bowhunting together and they're husband and wife.

Now I got to wonder about this guy’s sexual orientation for methinks he may doth protesteth too much. I mean this ad screams closet case or as if he’s trying to prove he’s not light in the loafers by engaging in “manly” pursuits. Seriously, I have neighbors who go bow hunting together and they’re husband and wife.

23. Middle aged man seeks wife, no pretty rich bitches please!

This kind of reminds me of a personal ad you'd expect a guy like Jane Eyre's Mr. Rochester to write. Of course, the last part would read, "Oh, that mad woman in the attic? Totally not my wife."

This kind of reminds me of a personal ad you’d expect a guy like Jane Eyre’s Mr. Rochester to write. Of course, the last part would read, “Oh, that mad woman in the attic? Totally not my wife.”

24. Young beautiful woman seeks attractive sugar daddy.

Of course, this woman is what a guy like Kanye West would call a "gold digger." Sure this ad is from the 19th century, but c'mon, she's looking for a hot guy with a large bank account. Of course, note that she doesn't mention whether he has to be single.

Of course, this woman is what a guy like Kanye West would call a “gold digger.” Sure this ad is from the 19th century, but c’mon, she’s looking for a hot guy with a large bank account. Of course, note that she doesn’t mention whether he has to be single.

25. Single mom-to-be seeks stepfather because baby daddy is behind bars.

I'm sure any nice guy would be willing to be with a woman and raise somebody else's baby, particularly if its dad is rotting in the penitentiary. Well, if he really likes the kid's mother or is sterile. Seriously, this is messed up.

I’m sure any nice guy would be willing to be with a woman and raise somebody else’s baby, particularly if its dad is rotting in the penitentiary. Well, if he really likes the kid’s mother or is sterile. Seriously, this is messed up.

26. Handsome Italian businessman seeking lifelong companion to give up everything and join him in an undisclosed location.

Now I don't want to be stereotypical here or offend any Italians reading this. Yet, I'm not saying this guy is from the Mafia but reading about an "Italian businessman entering witness protection" you have to wonder. Seriously, ladies, you might want to take a pass on this one. Besides, being on witness protection is a bad time to post a personal ad.

Now I don’t want to be stereotypical here or offend any Italians reading this. Yet, I’m not saying this guy is from the Mafia but reading about an “Italian businessman entering witness protection” you have to wonder. Seriously, ladies, you might want to take a pass on this one. Besides, being on witness protection is a bad time to post a personal ad.

27. Homeless musician seeks vulnerable runaway who’s at least 18.

Well, the good news is a Dodge Dart isn't a windowless van. But still, I wonder how old this guy is. Let's hope he's at least under 30.

Well, the good news is a Dodge Dart isn’t a windowless van. But still, I wonder how old this guy is. Let’s hope he’s at least under 30.

28. Single man seeks woman so he can enjoy a threesome with his furniture.

I'm sure if he wanted any action with his antique Danish furniture, I'm sure he wouldn't post a personal ad in the paper. Unfortunately, English was not his best subject in school, which makes him the kind of guy who likes to hump inanimate objects.

I’m sure if he wanted any action with his antique Danish furniture, I’m sure he wouldn’t post a personal ad in the paper. Unfortunately, English was not his best subject in school, which makes him the kind of guy who likes to hump inanimate objects.

29. Farmer seeks housekeeper and possible girlfriend.

I know that this guy is lonely, but I think this farmer can't help himself with "mate" as if he wants to put his housekeeper together with a bull.

I know that this guy is lonely, but I think this farmer can’t help himself with “mate” as if he wants to put his housekeeper together with a bull or other animal.

30. Unemployed screenwriter in this 50s seeks 20 some blond girl as muse. Oh, she’s paying for her own dinner.

Hmmm....this almost seems like a personal ad Dixon Steele would post from In a Lonely Place since  he fits the guy's description though he may not be technically unemployed. Yet, he did date a 20 some blonde played by Gloria Grahame. Of course, he may have forgotten to include "under suspicion of murder" and "has major anger issues."

Hmmm….this almost seems like a personal ad Dixon Steele would post from In a Lonely Place since he fits the guy’s description though he may not be technically unemployed. Yet, he did date a 20 some blonde played by Gloria Grahame. Of course, he may have forgotten to include “under suspicion of murder” and “has major anger issues.”

31. Sometimes you can tell what a man does just by the way he describes himself.

This man is a mechanic since he's describing himself like he's a car. Of course, being a 1932 issue, it's no surprise he's a senior citizen who's had parts replaced.

This man is a mechanic since he’s describing himself like he’s a car. Of course, being a 1932 issue, it’s no surprise he’s a senior citizen who’s had parts replaced.

32. From how I read this, I guess this is a manga/anime nerd with a Japanese fetish.

By the way, endmame is preparation of immature soy bean pods while a bento box is a serving dish container mostly used for Japanese food. However, I'm not sure of what to make with "samurai sensuality" which may suggest that the author is female but I could be wrong.

By the way, edamame is an Asian preparation of immature soy bean pods while a bento box is a serving dish container mostly used for Japanese food. However, I’m not sure of what to make with “samurai sensuality” which may suggest that the author is female but I could be wrong. Then again, I’m not sure if this person knows what “edamame” or “bento box” mean.

33. Single male seeks single woman to entertain at kiddie birthday party?

Okay, if a guy wants someone to entertain for his kid's birthday party, I'm sure a clown of either sex would do nicely, especially when it pertains to balloon animals. This guy is looking for something more but won't admit it.

Okay, if a guy wants someone to entertain for his kid’s birthday party, I’m sure a clown of either sex would do nicely, especially when it pertains to balloon animals. This guy is looking for something more but won’t admit it.

34. For those seeking a good Christian man and an open marriage, you can’t do better than this guy ladies.

Of course, this guy is divorced. Apparently, the ex wasn't too keen on his unconventional lifestyle. Also likes skinny dipping just so you know.

Of course, this guy is divorced. Apparently, the ex wasn’t too keen on his unconventional lifestyle. Also likes skinny dipping just so you know.

35. Of course, some people like to post personal ads just to say how much they miss their ex or not.

When you first read this you think this guy wants his ex-girlfriend back. Turns out he just wants the TV. Man, what's with people these days?

When you first read this you think this guy wants his ex-girlfriend back. Turns out he just wants the TV. Man, what’s with people these days?

36. Well, when you hit a certain age, sometimes you have to be honest in your expectations.

Yeah, when you're a 69 year old woman, you really can't ask for fit and handsome, can you?

Yeah, when you’re a 69 year old woman, you really can’t ask for fit and handsome, can you? Of course, she’s probably honest about the low energy lifestyle since she’s overweight and likes to eat.

37. Be wary of the personal ad by those seeking forbidden fruit.

Let's see Palestinian woman wants to meet Jewish man and travel to Israel. What can possibly go wrong with that? I can name a lot of reasons why this woman is asking for trouble.

Let’s see Palestinian woman wants to meet Jewish man and travel to Israel. What can possibly go wrong with that? I can name a lot of reasons why this woman is asking for trouble.

38. When it comes to the rebound, some people just don’t know when they should start dating again.

Seems like Jim Stone isn't quite over Marcy Teddle despite her cheating on him. Seriously, he might need to see a therapist and work out his feels before putting himself out there. Did somebody say too soon?

Seems like Jim Stone isn’t quite over Marcy Teddle despite her cheating on him. Seriously, he might need to see a therapist and work out his feels before putting himself out there. Did somebody say too soon?

39. Some people think personal ads are beneath their dignity, others not so much.

Seems like this woman isn't afraid to put herself out there by putting down prospective suitors. Or lowering her standards in regards to men and footwear. Probably not helping her case.

Seems like this woman isn’t afraid to put herself out there by putting down prospective suitors. Or lowering her standards in regards to men and footwear. Probably not helping her case.

40. Some people can also use personal ads for not just getting a date but also seeking employment or shelter.

Man, this guy may be a homeless gold digger but at least he admits and is willing to work hard for his keep as a Pilates instructor/giggolo. Now I haven't heard that before.

Man, this guy may be a homeless gold digger but at least he admits and is willing to work hard for his keep as a Pilates instructor/gigolo. Now I haven’t heard that before.

41. Of course, unrealistic expectations don’t always have to pertain to looks.

Now outdoor enjoyment is fine but understanding DNA replication? That's kind of impossible. However, if this was Sheldon Cooper's personal ad, it somehow seemed to pay off.

Now outdoor enjoyment is fine but understanding DNA replication? That’s kind of impossible. However, if this was Sheldon Cooper’s personal ad, it somehow seemed to pay off on The Big Bang Theory.

42. Of course, it’s not single men who posts personals in the paper.

Ladies, remember when a guy's personal ad contains the word, "mistress" understand that he's married, not looking for anything serious or long term, and won't leave his wife for you. Nice try, Don Draper.

Ladies, remember when a guy’s personal ad contains the word, “mistress” understand that he’s married, not looking for anything serious or long term, and won’t leave his wife for you. Nice try, Don Draper.

43.Of course, there are some things happen in Vegas, that should stay in Vegas.

Man, whoever "Ann" is, seems like she'll be pretty embarrassed when she sees this. Also, I don't know what to make of the guy's picture. But at least he's smart enough to include it.

Man, whoever “Ann” is, seems like she’ll be pretty embarrassed when she sees this. Also, I don’t know what to make of the guy’s picture. But at least he’s smart enough to include it.

44. We all know that looks shouldn’t matter but some guys just can’t resist.

Basically this guy is saying to women, "I don't care what you look like as long as you fit into my ideal physical specifications. Hey, I'm not picky since I didn't specify race, color, creed or hair color." Well, he's probably the most open minded guy you'd see---at a Victora's Secret fashion show!

Basically this guy is saying to women, “I don’t care what you look like as long as you fit into my ideal physical specifications. Hey, I’m not picky since I didn’t specify race, color, creed or hair color.” Well, he’s probably the most open minded guy you’d see—at a Victora’s Secret fashion show!

45. Now when it comes to personal ads, it’s important that you’d be a nonsmoker to some, most of the time.

Apparently, this woman thinks that a "nonsmoker" is someone who only smokes cigarettes. However, conventional wisdom and/or personal experience shows that the vast majority of tobacco users usually smoke cigarettes. Seriously, almost all the smokers I've seen in my life use them.

Apparently, this woman thinks that a “nonsmoker” is someone who only smokes cigarettes. However, conventional wisdom and/or personal experience shows that the vast majority of tobacco users usually smoke cigarettes. Seriously, almost all the smokers I’ve seen in my life use them.

46. Crazy Christian lady seeks good Christian man.

I know that most people with mental health issues are perhaps only marginally violent as everyone else. Yet, I can't help looking at this and think about Margaret White from the famous Stephen King novel, Carrie. Yet, I don't think she was a schizophrenic. Just nuts.

I know that most people with mental health issues are perhaps only marginally violent as everyone else. Yet, I can’t help looking at this and think about Margaret White from the famous Stephen King novel, Carrie. Yet, I don’t think she was a schizophrenic. Just nuts.

47. Middle aged man seeks guy to hang out with him, play with trains and mutual touching. But is totally not gay.

This guy may be open about his model trains, but he's totally in the closet as far as I'm concerned. Also, the selfie kind of creeps me out.

This guy may be open about his model trains, but he’s totally in the closet as far as I’m concerned. Also, the selfie kind of creeps me out.

48. Even muppets can have personal ads. This is Snuffy’s.

Man, you remember watching Sesame Street as a child and when you read stuff by them, it kind of ruins your childhood. I'll certainly never think of Snuffy the same way again. By the way, how does he? Oh, never mind.

Man, you remember watching Sesame Street as a child and when you read stuff by them, it kind of ruins your childhood. I’ll certainly never think of Snuffy the same way again. By the way, how does he? Oh, never mind.

49. While some people have impossible relationship standards, others can’t raise their standards high enough.

This woman has a sever case of classic co-dependent syndrome. I bet the guy who fits the "you" description is probably her ex and I can see she may still miss him. This woman needs a therapist badly.

This woman has a sever case of classic co-dependent syndrome. I bet the guy who fits the “you” description is probably her ex and I can see she may still miss him. This woman needs a therapist badly.

50. When it comes to sexual harassment, sometimes people just take it a little bit to extreme.

Hey, you have to give this woman credit for trying to be consistent. Yet, I'm not sure if the guy who groped her in a bar is willing to give his address after she threatened to kill him.

Hey, you have to give this woman credit for trying to be consistent. Yet, I’m not sure if the guy who groped her in a bar is willing to give his address after she threatened to kill him.

51. There’s nothing like a personal ad that says, “I’m turned off by your sarcasm and indifference but if you still want me, I’ll buy an extra ticket to Europe.”

Hey, Emilie, I think you might want to take a tip from Elsa and just let it go if he's just not into you. Then again, you're probably living in the 19th century and are probably trying to please your parents.

Hey, Emilie, I think you might want to take a tip from Elsa and just let it go if he’s just not into you. Then again, you’re probably living in the 19th century and are probably trying to please your parents.

52. Go back in time with me, and bring your own weapons.

Good: This guy is willing to pay money. Bad: Asks to bring weapons and says the time travel idea isn't a joke. Says he's done this before and safety isn't guaranteed. Verdict: Must be nuts.

Good: This guy is willing to pay money.
Bad: Asks to bring weapons and says the time travel idea isn’t a joke. Says he’s done this before and safety isn’t guaranteed.
Verdict: Must be nuts.

53. Sometimes I can’t tell whether this guy is looking for a woman or a piece of meat.

I'm sure this guy is either hungry for love or just plain hungry for a hotdog or burger with mustard. Also describes himself as a rib eye, but I don't know what he means by that.

I’m sure this guy is either hungry for love or just plain hungry for a hotdog or burger with mustard. Also describes himself as a rib eye, but I don’t know what he means by that.

54. Some people do personal ads just to know where they stand, sexually.

Since when does making a certain noise make you seem gay? Also, why talk about getting brain surgery in a newspaper? Besides, what's the deal with the noise and what kind does it make?

Since when does making a certain noise make you seem gay? Also, why talk about getting brain surgery in a newspaper? Besides, what’s the deal with the noise and what kind does it make?

55. When it comes to the perfect woman, some already know what they’re looking for.

I bet "H. M. C." stands for "the Honorable Matthew Crawley." I mean this description just screams Lady Mary here. Too bad what happened to him in Season 3. So remember, boys, drive responsibly.

I bet “H. M. C.” stands for “the Honorable Matthew Crawley.” I mean this description just screams Lady Mary here. Too bad what happened to him in Season 3. So remember, boys, drive responsibly.

56. Some guys have impossible standards, others have enormous egos.

Now if a guy says he's a perfect human specimen, you know he's full of it. Also says that he wants them disease free and not overweight. And he talks about how his van is broken down.

Now if a guy says he’s a perfect human specimen, you know he’s full of it. Also says that he wants them disease free and not overweight. And he talks about how his van is broken down.

57. Man seeks German woman with bookkeeping skills and titanic Teutonic titties.

I wonder what a 36 bust translates nowadays in bra sizes? Guess that the old timey Hooters owner needs a secretary and/or mistress.

I wonder what a 36 bust translates nowadays in bra sizes? Guess that the old timey Hooters owner needs a secretary and/or mistress.

58. Charge up and jerk off with this guy.

Okay, this guy doesn't look too bad. Yet, though his crystal wearing masturbation might work well for him, let's just say he won't be a motivational speaker with that kind of material.

Okay, this guy doesn’t look too bad. Yet, though his crystal wearing masturbation might work well for him, let’s just say he won’t be a motivational speaker with that kind of material.

59. Divorced cat lady wants to ride a blue balled man’s ivory tower.

Man, this cat lady already has 7 cats and is desperate for companionship. Hey, at least she knows where to look for a change. Besides, she's been divorced.

Man, this cat lady already has 7 cats and is desperate for companionship. Hey, at least she knows where to look for a change. Besides, she’s been divorced.

60. Social climber seeks friend to score middle aged rich men.

And she wants a lady friend to drive her places to score with high class men, kind of like Anna Nicole Smith. Of course, she could just get a chauffeur or drive herself.

And she wants a lady friend to drive her places to score with high class men, kind of like Anna Nicole Smith. Of course, she could just get a chauffeur or drive herself.

61. Snob seeks hipster to have dinner and complain about eating shitty restaurant food.

Of course, seeing the word, "white" on this doesn't make me think this is a nice guy. Also, I'm not sure if a cultural imperialist and a hipster would make a great couple, if they're totally different things.

Of course, seeing the word, “white” on this doesn’t make me think this is a nice guy. Also, I’m not sure if a cultural imperialist and a hipster would make a great couple, if they’re totally different things.

62. Ang Lee fan seeks camping and fishing buddy. Must be married and not act gay.

Of course, Ang Lee is well known to direct a film about two married men who go on a weekend camping and fishing trip. And we all know how that turned out.

Of course, Ang Lee is well known to direct a film about two married men who go on a weekend camping and fishing trip. And we all know how that turned out.

63. Chess champ seeks queenside for special endgame.

When it comes to that night in Bangkok, Gary K is the guy who doesn't just get his kicks above the waistline, baby. Bangkok, gets the creme de la creme of the chess world which has everything but Yul Brynner because The King and I is banned there.

When it comes to that night in Bangkok, Gary K is the guy who doesn’t just get his kicks above the waistline, sunshine. Bangkok, gets the creme de la creme of the chess world which has everything but Yul Brynner because The King and I is banned there.

64. Single woman wants man to buy her a drink, and no alcoholics please.

Something tells me that she's been with a few alcoholics a bars before. Not to mention, I wouldn't be surprised if a drunk answered her ad since some of the worst alcoholics don't realize they have a drinking problem.

Something tells me that she’s been with a few alcoholics a bars before. Not to mention, I wouldn’t be surprised if a drunk answered her ad since some of the worst alcoholics don’t realize they have a drinking problem.

65. This guy has everything a woman wants, save one testicle.

Hey, at least the guy is somewhat attractive, smart, and has a good job. Maybe having one ball shouldn't be grounds against him. Seriously, ladies, you might want to give this guy a chance, unless he's Lance Armstrong.

Hey, at least the guy is somewhat attractive, smart, and has a good job. Maybe having one ball shouldn’t be grounds against him. Seriously, ladies, you might want to give this guy a chance, unless he’s Lance Armstrong.

66. You know a guy is behind the times when he mentions “payphone” and “beeper” in his personal ad.

Also, while this guy seems rich enough to fly places, he's still poor enough to call from the nearest payphone. As if he doesn't have a phone of his own. Also, beepers are bygone 1990s technology that's only used by doctors these days.

Also, while this guy seems rich enough to fly places, he’s still poor enough to call from the nearest payphone. As if he doesn’t have a phone of his own. Also, beepers are bygone 1990s technology that’s only used by doctors these days.

67. Sugar daddy seeks college girl. Will pay for everything.

This guy may be a pig, but he's not stupid. Seriously, ladies, he basically offers to pay for student loans and teach business skills. Still, no matter how broke or single I am, I'm not that desperate.

This guy may be a pig, but he’s not stupid. Seriously, ladies, he basically offers to pay for student loans and teach business skills. Still, no matter how broke or single I am, I’m not that desperate.

68. 33 year old man seeks lady that smells like strawberry air freshener.

Guess any girl interested must buy their strawberry smelling perfume from Glade. You know, basically they have to smell that way before he could plug it in, plug it in.

Guess any girl interested must buy their strawberry smelling perfume from Glade. You know, basically they have to smell that way before he could plug it in, plug it in.

69. Of course, it’s hard for people to make it in the dating world, especially if they have STDs.

Hey, he may have genital warts but you have to admire his honesty. Also, for those who don't know "420" is marijuana.

Hey, he may have genital warts but you have to admire his honesty. Also, for those who don’t know “420” is marijuana.

70. Miniature stallion breeder seeks mare to ride on.

I'm sure "miniature" just applies to the horses and not the man. Nevertheless, he does have a way with words and knows what he's looking for.

I’m sure “miniature” just applies to the horses and not the man. Nevertheless, he does have a way with words and knows what he’s looking for.

71. Woman wanted for excursion on taco truck and maybe a little tongue.

By the way, "lengua" is Spanish for tongue and it's used to refer to "beef tongue." Of course, to eat that, a woman must have a stomach of steel so I don't. Also, the beans might give you gas, as seen on Blazing Saddles.

By the way, “lengua” is Spanish for tongue and it’s used to refer to “beef tongue.” Of course, to eat that, a woman must have a stomach of steel so I don’t. Also, the beans might give you gas, as seen on Blazing Saddles.

72. In some cases, there are guys who think bigger is better.

I don't know about you but what are the chances that this is one of those Hummer driving guys who's probably compensating for something. Also, seeks women with big boobs.

I don’t know about you but what are the chances that this is one of those Hummer driving guys who’s probably compensating for something. Also, seeks women with big boobs.

73. Seems like a lot of Amazons want to swing from Tarzan’s big vine these days, figuratively speaking.

Of course, anyone who's seen Tarzan movies or read the book by Edgar Rice Burroughs, we all know that Tarzan is already taken since he has Jane. Also, how is it possible to have Amazons in Africa, they're from Russia as far a Greek mythology is concerned.

Of course, anyone who’s seen Tarzan movies or read the book by Edgar Rice Burroughs, we all know that Tarzan is already taken since he has Jane. Also, how is it possible to have Amazons in Africa, they’re from Russia as far a Greek mythology is concerned.

74. Perverted reclusive dirty old movie star seeks Chinese girl but has Japanese fetish.

For God's sake, the only way you can tell an East Asian from another is by their names or culture. Unless you live there, you can't tell a Chinese apart from a Japanese if you see them on the street. At least in America.  Still, this guy's kind of a pervert with an East Asian fetish for some reason. So a Chinese girl isn't much of a new leaf for him.

For God’s sake, the only way you can tell an East Asian from another is by their names or culture. Unless you live there, you can’t tell a Chinese apart from a Japanese if you see them on the street. At least in America. Still, this guy’s kind of a pervert with an East Asian fetish for some reason. So a Chinese girl isn’t much of a new leaf for him.

75. Guy in track suit bottoms seeks girl in pajamas with possible substance issues.

I don't know about you but when I see someone smoking in their pajamas with a bottle of vodka on the street, "gorgeous" doesn't enter my mind. Also, I don't want to know what the guy does in his sweatpants. Seriously, I don't want to know.

I don’t know about you but when I see someone smoking in their pajamas with a bottle of vodka on the street, “gorgeous” doesn’t enter my mind. Also, I don’t want to know what the guy does in his sweatpants. Seriously, I don’t want to know.

76. Internet dating? That’s for creeps. Real men use flyers to put themselves out there.

Not only that, but this guy mostly uses lower case letters and misspelled the word, "tacos." Also "blue rays" has an apostrophe. Not to mention, I don't know who this guy is but he's not scoring points with English teachers.

Not only that, but this guy mostly uses lower case letters and misspelled the word, “tacos.” Also “blue rays” has an apostrophe. Not to mention, I don’t know who this guy is but he’s not scoring points with English teachers.

77. For the handsome Game of Thrones fan, this New Orleans woman just might be the girl of your dreams.

Now when she finds her Robb Stark, she probably wouldn't want to have a Game of Thrones wedding. I mean we all wouldn't want George R. R. Martin as a wedding planner do we? That's like asking Quentin Tarantino to plan a child's birthday party. Nevertheless, at least she didn't request Ned Stark who only lasts one season on the HBO show.

Now when she finds her Robb Stark, she probably wouldn’t want to have a Game of Thrones wedding. I mean we all wouldn’t want George R. R. Martin as a wedding planner do we? That’s like asking Quentin Tarantino to plan a child’s birthday party. Nevertheless, at least she didn’t request Ned Stark who only lasts one season on the HBO show.

78. Even homeless guys might want to look for love some time, sort of.

Of course, this guy isn't really homeless, he just pretends to be one to get girls. Why he does it, I have no idea. Not to mention, I bet he got the name, "Bubbles" from The Wire.

Of course, this guy isn’t really homeless, he just pretends to be one to get girls. Why he does it, I have no idea. Not to mention, I bet he got the name, “Bubbles” from The Wire.

79. Trailer man seeks woman just so he can pay the bills.

Actually, he's only seeking a "girlfriend" because he can't seek a guy to move in with him. Also seems to want a woman who just minds her own business but she can't have a cat. Of course, I'm not sure what to think of his sexual preference or financial situation.

Actually, he’s only seeking a “girlfriend” because he can’t seek a guy to move in with him. Also seems to want a woman who just minds her own business but she can’t have a cat. Of course, I’m not sure what to think of his sexual preference or financial situation.

80. Web slinging Spiderman seeks bondage buddy, but not in a gay way, please.

I don't know about you but it seems to me that Spidey might be trapped in the closet. And I thought he and Mary Jane were getting along fine. Guess not.

I don’t know about you but it seems to me that Spidey might be trapped in the closet. And I thought he and Mary Jane were getting along fine. Guess not.

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Bad Movie Wives/Girlfriends

While I could compile a list of bad movie husbands and boyfriends easily, the most difficult about compiling one was basically narrowing it down to 30. With bad movie wives and girlfriends, I ran into a few difficulties. For one, there aren’t as many to choose from. Second, the fact that women in movies could do a much less to be on the worst movie wives and girlfriends list than a guy could to get on a similar list. For instance, while men could be put on a list for bad movie husbands and boyfriends for being physically and emotionally abusive or as well as downright rapists, women could get on the list for bad wives and girlfriends for simply being bitchy, lying, and non-supportive. However, since women have been seen as the unfair sex for so long, it’s no wonder why many lists include Alex Forrest from Fatal Attraction though I wouldn’t really include her as a movie wife or girlfriend mostly because she functions more as an ex from a one night stand. Same for the woman from Play Mitzi for Me. I also didn’t include many villainesses who are hired to kill their significant others because they’re just doing their jobs. Not to mention, a lot of women from romantic comedies are included on these lists as well, despite not being quite destructive as the male counterparts. Still, I did manage to compile quite a list with femme fatales, cheaters, liars, crazy ladies, backstabbers, murderers, and others. Nevertheless, I did try to find women who are just as bad as the male counterparts I did earlier. And if I didn’t, it has nothing to do with how I view women personally but more to do with the fact that men in movies get away with more abuse than women. Not to mention, I was working from a limited pool. So without further ado, here are some wives and girlfriends who may be nice to look at but you wouldn’t want to date.

1. Rebecca de Winter
From: Rebecca
The Problem: Well, she doesn’t really appear, but her presence tends to inflict damage from beyond the grave, thanks to her loyal housekeeper Mrs. Danvers who basically wants her room and things exactly as they were. You are meant to think at first that she was practically everything one would ask in a trophy wife and is widely adored, giving the second Mrs. de Winter big shoes to fill. However, every time she follows Mrs. Danvers’ instructions and does something that reminds Maxim of his first wife, causes him to utterly freak out for some unexplained reason. Turns out Maxim is reluctant to talk about Rebecca because she was the wife from hell whom he grew to despise. According to him, Rebecca basically cheated on him with anything wearing pants and would continually torment Maxim by gabbing about her sexual exploits. Also, she was kind of a sociopathic bitch and compulsive liar who manipulated everyone to think that she was the perfect wife and a paragon of virtue. Oh, and when she finds out she has cancer, she tells Maxim she’s pregnant with another guy’s child that she’d pass as his just so he could kill her in rage. Yet, that doesn’t stop her from having Mrs. Danvers as her devoted servant, unfortunately.
2. Zosh Machine

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From: The Man with the Golden Arm
The Problem: While addicts don’t make good partners in relationships, so can co-dependents and Zosh is a classic case. Now her husband Frankie is a heroin addict who just came clean after spending a stint in prison. Zosh is his wheelchair bound wife (who’s actually fully recovered) who was injured in a car crash some years earlier. Still, while Frankie wants to become a drummer and not return to his former life, Zosh’s selfish opposition, supposed condition, manipulative guilt tripping, and appealing to his sense of duty, keeps him from pursuing that dream as well as neglect his own needs. Not only that, but it also gives Frankie the need to earn some quick cash which causes him to slowly slip in his former way of life as a card dealer and later relapse into his heroin addiction. And the fact she’s only faking her disability and killed his dealer Louie just makes things worse for Frankie. This is especially the case when police make Frankie their prime suspect for Louie’s murder, which drives him into hiding. Still, Zosh is a selfish scheming wife who wants Frankie tied to her no matter what the cost and she knows how to get him to do exactly what she wants. Not to mention, she’s probably nuts but certainly rather possessive of her husband. And when Frankie tells his intention to leave her, she goes ballistic and jumps from a ledge to her death. Let’s just say Zosh is a toxic influence in Frankie’s life and a kind of wife an addict doesn’t need.
3. Phyllis Dietrichson

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From: Double Indemnity
The Problem: Basically she’s one of the most deadliest femme fatales in movie history as well as a possible sociopath. First, she enlists insurance man Walter Neff to help murder her husband and get him to sign a double indemnity clause in a life insurance policy. She then has the lovestruck Neff strangle her husband in a car as well as impersonate her husband on the train to make the murder look like an “accident.” Yet, she soon runs into problems when the company refuses to pay the clause and that her step-daughter Lola inherited the money instead. Now Lola doesn’t just think Phyllis killed her dad, but that she was also the nurse who killed her mom. Little do they know is that Phyllis is banging Lola’s boyfriend Nino and tries to kill Walter, too. Talk about a backstabbing girlfriend from Hell. Still, while Lady Macbeth was wracked with guilt after leading her man to murder, Phyllis isn’t.
4. Norma Desmond

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From: Sunset Boulevard
The Problem: Well, despite having a big house, a doting butler (ex-husband), and all the generosity and money a struggling screenwriter could ask for. However, she’s also obsessed with making a career comeback, chooses to forget she’s 50 instead of 25, and is a completely insane drama queen. Also, she barely pays any attention to her devoted ex-husband butler Max who just goes along with her schemes (and has a few of his own). So when Joe Gillis becomes stranded at her reeking decadent mansion, she hires him to work on her trashy screenplay she thinks would restore her to her rightful place. Yet, it’s very much implied (or blatantly obvious but unmentioned for obvious reasons in 1950) that she’s also hiring him for other services such as a male escort she showers with expensive gifts, setting him up in the ex-husbands’ bedroom (there were 3 of them including Max), and keeping Joe in a gilded cage. Oh, and she basically forces Joe to be her lover as well as doing nutty things to get his attention like trying to kill herself. And despite being in love with another woman, Joe just accepts his lot as a kept man because he’s desperate to get paid. Still, everything with Norma has to be her way all the time, even her words. Yet, when Norma finds Joe’s name on a screenplay he’s working on with Betty Schaefer, she goes ballistic and sends her a threatening phone call. And when Joe plans to return to Ohio, she basically shoots him dead near the pool. Of course, she’s certainly in her happy place and not coming back after that when she says, “All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.”
5. Kathie Moffat

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From: Out of the Past
The Problem: Sure she may seem like rather innocent damsel in distress but Jeff Markham should’ve known. Yet, he fell for and elected to run away with her anyway despite that he was hired by her boyfriend his partner Whit to find her because she shot him in the leg and ran away with $40,000 of his money to Mexico. Also, she served a time in reform school as a child. However, Jeff doesn’t realize what he’s dealing with until Kathie pulls out a gun and shoots a guy in cold blood and leaves him to cover up for the crime. Later, she gets back together with Whit but she’s not done with Jeff yet for she sends a guy to trail his deaf assistant which indirectly leads to former’s death. Not to mention, she kills Whit in the meantime and basically forces Jeff to run away with her or else take the blame for all three murders. Either way, his new life is basically over and he’ll have to break up with his current girlfriend Ann. Thus, Jeff runs off with Kathie but she betrays him and shoots him dead. Still, fellas, she’s probably a complete psychopath who’d use sex to get what she wants and has a higher body count than Phyllis Dietrichson. Luckily she dies in a car wreck though.
6. Ginger McKenna

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From: Casino
The Problem: For one, she’s a coke and pill addict, party girl, and former prostitute as well as hustler. Second, she cheats on her husband with her ex and pimp named Lester and his best friend played by Joe Pesci. Third, she ties her daughter to the bed so she could go clubbing and runs off with Lester with all of Ace’s money in tow. Now being in Vegas, Ace should’ve known that Ginger was bad news being a former prostitute and all. Then again, he kind of expected her being a drugged up basket case, but maybe not the cheating with his best friend and running off with his money bit.
7. Jenny

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From: Forrest Gump
The Problem: If Forrest Gump was a smart man and/or didn’t know her since childhood, I would wonder why he would be so devoted to a woman who certainly doesn’t deserve him. Still, while Forrest does know what love is since he’s been there for Jenny all her life, it’s more than what we can say about her who’s very selfish and doesn’t seem in touch with her emotions at all. She drifts in and out of Forrest’s life for many years and continues to reject him for strings of useless and thuggish men who happen to be whatever stereotype was around at the time. It’s very clear she doesn’t love him like he loves her. Still, she comes back to Forrest after he’s made his fortune and she’s destroyed her life, has a son to take care of (which she conveniently claim is his but they did hook up but it’s unclear whether Forrest knew what the hell was going on), and dying of what many think is AIDS. Still, while I may forgive Jenny for being a slut and stringing Forrest along when she’s at a bad end, I was a bit unnerved when she shows up with her boy and tells Forrest he’s their son. Now if I was in her situation, I would’ve let the guy know of possibly being my baby’s father while I was still pregnant, not when the kid’s in preschool. At least the women on Maury display that courtesy on “Who’s My Baby’s Daddy?”.
8. Suzanne Stone-Maretto

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From: To Die For
The Problem: Now it’s perfectly fine for a woman to be ambitious and not want kids. It’s also okay to divorce your husband if he desires a family and you don’t. It’s not okay to seduce a teenage gang leader and have the husband murdered and then lie about him being addicted to drugs. This is especially true if he’s in no way abusive or wants to kill you. She gets her ultimate comeuppance though.
9. Lady Brett Ashley

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From: The Sun Also Rises
The Problem: Basically she’s an alcoholic and a bonafide slut who’s basically a good example why we have the saying, “bros before hos” which is basically the story’s moral anyway. Now by this time, she’s been divorced twice and is engaged to Mike Campbell to boot. Yet, even this doesn’t stop her from getting romantically and/or sexually entangled with 3 other guys such as the impotent Jake Barnes, the Jewish and possibly autistic Robert Cohn, and teenage bullfighter Pedro Romero. Still, she manages to break Robert and Jake’s hearts as well as leads to Cohn beating up Mike, Jake, and Romero before leaving the country. Sure she may be in love with Jake and though it’s understandable why she refuses him (since she can’t live without sex), the way she strings Cohn around and dumps is particularly shallow and cruel. And the fact that her sexual exploits led to ruining friendships, just makes it worse. Now there’s nothing wrong with women having multiple sexual partners as long as everyone involved is totally cool with it. But if you must screw multiple guys, make sure they aren’t friends with each other.
10. Dominque Francon

Patricia Neal The Fountainhead
From: The Fountainhead
The Problem: I’m not a fan of Ayn Rand or her books. However, Dominque isn’t on this list just because of my liberal political bias. Still, if Rand’s philosophy doesn’t disturb you, the relationship between Howard Roark and Dominque Francon certainly should. Sure Roark may be a complete jerk and Domique’s primary purpose in the story is to screw his career and break his heart twice over. Of course, she may have some reason for it since Roark might’ve raped her (you can’t really tell in Rand), yet she’s basically doing everything she could to bring him down and crush his spirit because she loves him. Excuse me? Seriously, this is a woman who deliberately screws with Roark’s career and runs off and marries two other guys while continuing her affair with Roark just so he can go begging for more. And Roark still just quietly waits around for her to come to her senses. Oh, and she got Peter Keating to dump the only woman he loved and marry her and goes out on a limb to hook up with Ellsworth Toohey. And she still says she loves Roark. Listen, guys, I don’t know about you, but if the girl of your dreams vows to ruin your life, runs off and marries two other guys while still keeping you on the side all because she loves you, she doesn’t love you. Roark should just come to his senses and dump her because her treatment is absolutely appalling. Instead, he makes a nude statue in her likeness and marries her.
11. Leslie Crosbie

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From: The Letter
The Problem: When you first see her, she shoots a guy named Geoffrey Hammond dead six times. Yet, when police questioned her, she says that the victim, a friend of the family, came to the home uninvited and tried to rape her. So she shot him to save her honor. Now everyone believes her including her husband and it seems that she’d be found innocent (and apparently everyone believes her shooting Hammond 6 times was justified mostly because they’re racist). However, a lawyer named Howard Joyce receives word that Hammond’s wife (lover in the 1929 film) has a letter which might incriminate Leslie. The letter reveals that Hammond came at her insistence and that the two were having an affair. Leslie manipulates the attorney into buying back the letter which includes lying about it to her husband Robert (Howard in the 1929 film). Yet, Leslie gives Hammond’s Chinese lady $10,000 personally. What’s spent on the trial and the letter basically depletes the Crosbie’s savings that Robert can’t buy the Sumatran rubber plantation he wanted. Still, despite that Leslie’s married, she carries on an affair with Hammond for years, excludes him from her social circle when she finds out about his Chinese lady (which she has no qualms), and kills him in a jealous rage when he tries to break up with her because he loves his Chinese lady and not her. Oh, and she gets away with murder. Yet, though she may love her husband she admits, “With all my heart, I still love the man I killed!” Yeah, but perhaps she should’ve let him go and not kill him. Yet, Leslie wanted to have her cake and eat it, too.
12. Asami Yamazaki

audition-2
From: Audition
The Problem: Asami may be a beautiful and soft-spoken former ballerina who may be able to win a grieving widower’s heart. Still, if you held your personal American Idol type search for true love, you might want to take a look at the winner’s digs to see if there are any burlap sacks filled with the bodies of disfigured exes lying on the floor. Sure she may seem like the perfect woman at first and was severely abused as a child, but she’s completely psycho that she’s Gene Tierney’s Ellen Harland in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Like Ellen, she wants Shigeharu Aoyama to love her and only her and totally flips out on him when it’s not the case. Yet, unlike Ellen, Asami just uses methods like kidnapping, dismemberment, murder, and torture all in a girlish giggle. While she did do away with the guy in the bag for cheating on her, she basically tortures Shigeharu with acupuncture needles and cuts off his foot with a razor all because he has a family. Trust me, fellas, she’s totally not worth it.
13. Daisy Buchanan

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From: The Great Gatsby
The Problem: While Gatsby may forever hold a torch for Daisy as his true love, it’s very clear that she’s not worth it. For one, despite that she loved Gatsby, she can’t really leave her asshole husband Tom for him because he’s her kid’s dad and the fact divorce might give her financial insecurity. Still, this doesn’t stop her from toying with Gatsby’s heart and is more impressed with him being rich than anything. Still, she ran over her husband’s mistress Myrtle and let Gatsby take the blame for it. This resulted in a misunderstanding that got Gatsby murdered. Yet, what especially gets me is that Daisy seems unable to take responsibility for herself, either to better her life or change the way her actions hurt others. Not to mention, despite that Gatsby basically did everything he could to win her back and never stopped loving her, she doesn’t even bother to show up at his funeral. Instead, she and Tom go on vacation as if she feels no remorse for the damage she did. Alas, that poor son of a bitch.
14. Judith Fessbeggler

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From: Saving Silverman
The Problem: Now I try to leave out wives and girlfriends in comedy movies since they tend to be treated as whiny bitches while a lot of husbands and boyfriends in serious films tend to commit sins that are far worse. Besides, I want to avoid using double standards as much as possible when it pertains to female significant others since they’re termed as terrible on much less. Still, Judith is an exception since she’s nasty, controlling, manipulative, and selfish. Not only that, but she doesn’t like Darren Silverman’s immature friends despite all that they mean to him. Yet, does she put up with that? No, rather she tries to change everything about him to suit her and only her. And all this basically consists of Darren quitting his band, getting butt implants, distancing himself from his best friends, having her burn all his Neil Diamond records, get him new friends with names like Clayton, and attend relationship counseling. Now there are movies in which women try to do this but these pertain to guys who in danger of destroying themselves or going to jail. Darren isn’t one of these so Judith is basically using the “I could change him” mantra where it’s not needed and certainly used for her to achieve her own selfish ends. I mean there are worse guys to date than a Neil Diamond fan with two immature but well-meaning friends.
15. Roxie Hart

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From: Chicago
The Problem: Now while Velma Kelly may not be the nicest person in the film, at least killing her husband and sister over them having an affair made her a much more sympathetic character. I’m not sure about Roxie who’s married to the nice mechanic Amos even if he is played by John C. Reilly (yet is the only good guy in the whole film). Feel bad for her being down on her luck as a housewife all you want, but she had an affair with Fred Casely whom she believed would help make her a vaudeville star. And when Fred reveals he lied about his connections so he could sleep with her, Roxie shoots him dead and tries to get Amos to take the blame. Amos doesn’t (since he can’t tell a lie) and she’s arrested anyway. Of course, we all know how she gets off by following a ludicrous defense strategy that include painting herself as a lonely housewife who killed her lover in self-defense or faking a pregnancy. Still, it’s amazing that Amos sticks by her during the murder trial proceedings despite how she treats him like garbage.
16. Catherine Tramell

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From: Basic Instinct
The Problem: Sure she may be played by Sharon Stone and her bisexuality may be a major turn-on. However, I would advise anyone against getting involved with her. She’s a hedonistic psychopath who manipulates everyone around her for her own amusement and gratification as serve as fodder for her novels. Every lover she’s had has ended up dead and it’s very likely she’s possibly killed them just after she’s bore with them. Not only that, but she also killed her parents in a staged boat explosion, murdered a professor at Berkeley, tricked her possessive girlfriend Roxy into committing suicide, has her ex-girlfriend framed for a series of murders, and hacked a boyfriend to death with an ice pick during sex. It doesn’t help that Nick Curran is a cop in charge of a brutal murder investigation of a former rock star who was murdered during sex in which she’s a prime suspect and she killed his partner Gus. And she displays no remorse for any of the deaths she’s caused. She also flat out tells Nick that she’s writing about a detective who falls for the wrong woman who kills him. Still, no matter how you put it, things don’t look good for Nick by the end.
17. Bridget Gregory

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From: The Last Seduction
The Problem: Yes, she may be a gorgeous woman looking for casual sex in a small town. Yet, she’s married to a drug dealer she swipes money from and runs away to Chicago. Not only that, but she has an affair with a divorced man named Mike Swale while on her way. Still, she’s a manipulative sociopath who thinks selling murders to wives scorned is a good business idea. Not to mention, she tries to trick Mike into killing her husband Clay but does it herself. Yet, she pins the killing on him though which puts him in jail for life and gets off scot free. She also kills a black private eye as well as a few others and gets away with that, too. Mike should’ve stayed with his tranny ex-wife.
18. Debbie Jellinsky

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From: Addams Family Values
The Problem: Sure she may be gorgeous but it’s all too good to be true for Uncle Fester. For one, she’s a liar who manipulates Fester into proposing by saying she’s a virgin who’s saving it until marriage. Second, after their marriage, she tries to get Uncle Fester to sever ties with his family members and forbids Gomez, Morticia, and Lurch to visit him when they move to a lavish mansion. Oh, and did I tell you that she’s a black widow who killed her parents for not giving her a Ballerina Barbie for her birthday? Not to mention, she killed two husbands and tried to electrocute the whole Addams family altogether. Oh, and I tell you that she has her own trading card as “the Black Widow” and that Pugsley suspects her to be this? At least Fester was able to find new love after she died.
19. Ellen Berent Harland

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From: Leave Her to Heaven
The Problem: At first, she may look like your dream girl, but she’s really your nightmare girl. Let’s just say that Ellen is in love with her husband, yet she’s basically insanely devoted to him that she doesn’t want Richard to love anyone else but her whether it be his polio stricken brother, their unborn child, her mother, or her adopted sister. I mean she’s basically jealous toward any activity or person Richard cares about. And when she takes Richard’s disabled brother Danny out for a swim, she basically rows the boat too far from him in the water and he drowns. When she gets pregnant, she engineers a fall down the stairs in stiletto heels so the fetus would be miscarried. And when Ellen becomes suspicious of Richard and Ruth getting too close, she writes to her prosecutor ex-fiance Russell Quinton about Ruth wanting to kill her and commits suicide. This gets Ruth tried for murder but Richard takes the rap and a two year prison sentence.
20. Catherine Earnshaw

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From: Wuthering Heights
The Problem: Sure her relationship with Heathcliff is enduring and passionate but it screams dysfunctional. Still, it’s probably fair to say that Catherine should’ve not dumped Heathcliff to marry Edgar Linton. Now they may have destroyed each other and Hindley but at least the Lintons would be untouched. But, Catherine’s selfish rejection of Heathcliff just so she could wear pretty dresses and attend fancy balls at Linton’s Grange changes everything for the worse. Yet, she doesn’t completely get over Heathcliff and soon her passionate love for him consumes her in a sick and twisted way, which destroys her identity and personality while Heathcliff disappears to get rich for a few years and returns for his rampage of revenge. Also, she’s incredibly selfish and not just toward Heathcliff but she also doesn’t really seem very concerned about her brother, her sister-in-law, or her maid Nelly Dean. Oh, and her marrying Edgar and having Heathcliff on the side thing destroyed all three of them in very ugly ways.
21. Scarlett O’Hara

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From: Gone with the Wind
The Problem: Now I like Scarlett and think she’s a strong heroine for young girls, but she’s just terrible with relationships. For one, she’s emotionally immature due to her Southern Belle upbringing that trained her not to care about people and become pretty dolls devoid of emotion and personal wishes that are supposed to attract husbands. Thus, she’s unable to understand the emotional motivations of anyone, including herself. So the fact that Scarlett spends most of the movie wrapped up in a devoted delusion of her teenage years that she doesn’t realize when she falls in love with Rhett or what having an adult relationship means. Second, though she might not have done much harm marrying Charles Hamilton to make Ashley jealous, her choice to marry Frank Kennedy for money was pretty despicable since he was her sister’s fiancé. And it’s even more unsettling when he ends up getting killed while he’s out to defend her honor. Then there’s her marriage with Rhett Butler which is basically a living hell full of abuse but they obviously deserve each other.
22. Linda Nordley

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From: Mogambo
The Problem: Now I have to wonder about Donald Nordley in this movie. Sure his wife may be played by Grace Kelly but she doesn’t seem to think too much of him despite how he’s crazy about her. Not to mention, despite knowing her husband since she was 5, Linda bluntly admits that she doesn’t love him, doesn’t show much affection in him or interest in his work as an anthropologist. I suspect she married Donald because her parents desperately needed money. And it doesn’t help that Donald is a decent guy who genuinely loves his wife. Still, during their vacation in the African safari, Linda hooks up with big game hunter Victor Marswell. And though it’s very obvious that Victor and Linda are totally banging each other, Donald seems either totally blind or totally in denial. Either way, it shows that Linda really doesn’t seem to care much about Donald. Oh, and when Linda finds Victor cuddling with Eloise “Honey Bear” Kelley, she shoots him in a jealous rage (but gets away with it thanks to Ava Gardner). Of course, the film may want us to sympathize with her, but I never thought her as anything but a shallow and manipulative rich bitch who may have a few guys on the side when her man’s away. The proper lady demeanor is just a façade, boys.
23. Mildred Rogers

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From: Of Human Bondage
The Problem: Now this is basically the character that made Bette Davis a star that people were upset when she wasn’t nominated for an Oscar. Still, Mildred is a prostitute who medical student Philip Carey falls madly in love with. Yet, she’s utterly disdainful of his club foot and his obvious interest in her. Not to mention, she’s manipulative and cruel berating him with nasty insults as well as sleeps with who knows what during the course of the film. Now if Mildred was just a nasty slut, she wouldn’t be on this list but there’s more. Anyway, she keeps coming back to Philip when she’s on the rebound from a failed relationship whether it be her baby daddy Emil Miller or one of Philip’s friends. And Philip keeps cleaning her messes, dumps the girlfriend he had at the time, and takes her in just the same no matter how he feels about her. Yet, when Philip has had enough and rejects her, Mildred spitefully wrecks his apartment, destroys his paintings and books, and burns all the securities and bonds his uncle gave Philip to finance his med school tuition. This leads Philip to drop out of med school and destitute. Let’s just say Philip is basically relieved when Mildred succumbs to tuberculosis.
24. Irena Dubrovna Reed

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From: Cat People
The Problem: Well, she may seem like a nice Serbian girl but she has a few quirks about you might want to examine closely before entering in a relationship with her unlike Oliver Reed. For one, she tends to hang out at the panther exhibit a lot though most animals tend to get agitated in her presence. Second, she’s not much into getting physical for fear that she’d transform into a deadly panther if any guy even kisses her. Of course, Oliver and his friends thinks she’s batty and have her see a psychiatrist. Unfortunately, she’s right and the shrink actually ends up dead while trying to make the moves on her. And it doesn’t help that she may be clingy and jealous when Oliver confides in a co-worker about their problems, which was why she went after Alice Moore in panther form. Gives a new meaning to crazy cat lady, right?
25. Brigid O’Shaughnessy (a. k. a. Ruth Wonderly)

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From: The Maltese Falcon
The Problem: Now Brigid isn’t a bad person but we’re not sure whether she truly loved Sam Spade or just using him so she could get have bird statuette to herself. Still, though she may use sex and play the damsel in distress to get what she wants, she’s a lot more inconspicuous than most femme fatales (who aren’t usually dressed as somebody’s school teacher like she is). Not to mention, she’s not a great liar which makes Sam Spade catch her very easily. Yet, we should note that she killed Miles Archer and tried to frame her partner Floyd Thursby for the murder. Still, while Sam may fall for her, he’s no fool and turns her to the police because she killed his partner. Not to mention, she probably would’ve betrayed him just like Thursby whether she loved him or not.
26. Susan Vance

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From: Bringing Up Baby
The Problem: Now I like Susan Vance and I think she’s better than the fiancé David Huxley started out with. But come on, despite being friendly, sweet, and played by Katharine Hepburn, she’s crazy! Not to mention, she has a rich girl entitlement complex, meaning she has no respect for other people or authority. Still, though David eventually fell in love with her by the end, she put him through a lot of nasty shit. She steals cars and doesn’t seem the least bit guilty about it and when she sets her sights on something, she gets it in her own way. Not to mention, she enlists David’s help to transport a leopard to her aunt’s farm in Connecticut on the day he’s supposed to marry another woman. Oh, and once they’re at her aunt’s farm, she basically does everything she could to keep him there, particularly stealing his clothes while he’s showering. Not only that, but Susan puts David through incidences that put them in jail and almost cost them their lives (especially when she accidentally released a man-eating circus leopard she mistook for Baby). All this in the span of two days. Now being a screwball comedy, David doesn’t seem to harbor bad feelings. But in real life Susan would probably facing criminal charges at least for endangerment and possibly kidnapping.
27. Carmen Jones

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From: Carmen Jones
The Problem: Basically, this film is an all African American version of George Bizet’s Carmen that takes place in WWII. Still, played by Dorothy Dandridge, she’s kind of a hedonist who doesn’t think she could get married because she doesn’t remind men of their mothers and gets arrested for fighting with a co-worker who reported her late. Still, this doesn’t stop her from going after a guy who doesn’t seem to show much interest in her named Joe (who’s also involved with someone else). She’s successful but leaves him because Joe’s supposed to turn her in to the authorities and she can’t do time in jail. This puts Joe in the stockade. She also tries to hook up with two other guys in the meantime one for money and the other to make Joe jealous. Of course, Joe retaliates on both of them, beating one severely while threatening the other with a knife. Still, Carmen pays for her sultry ways by Joe strangling her in a storage room. Yet, his life is destroyed as well.
28. Mrs. Robinson

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From: The Graduate
The Problem: Let’s see. Sure she may be played by Anne Bancroft, yet she’s a depressed, lonely, and alcoholic housewife who basically gets Benjamin Braddock to have sex with her despite that she’s married with a daughter in college. Yes, she may not really love her husband who knocked her up during college which forced her to drop out, give up her dreams, and going through a shotgun wedding, but still. Nevertheless, she has no other interest in Benjamin other than sex and when he starts dating her daughter, she basically tries to sabotage their relationship and accuses him of rape. Oh, and she forces her daughter to drop out of college and marry some other guy, too. Let’s just say if Ben and Elaine ever got married, Thanksgiving is going to be awkward. Still, it doesn’t help that she’s a middle aged adult who convinces everyone that Ben is the bad guy, including her husband.
29. Aileen Wuornos

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From: Monster
The Problem: Well, this one comes from real life and won Charlize Theron the Oscar for Best Actress. Now she’s perhaps one of the few LGBT on either list (other being Catherine Tramell). Sure she may have sex with men but she absolutely hates them. Not to mention, while you can’t blame her for not wanting to go back into prostitution, but trying to support her lover Selby Wall (Tyria Moore in real life but her name, age, and appearance were changed for legal reasons) through prostitution, murder, and robbery, well, isn’t technically a viable way to make a living. Not to mention, Aileen is well, a psycho who you’d probably not want to touch with a 10 foot pole. Also, though she may be a victim of circumstances and may have killed her first victim in self-defense, the others were just for her own personal gratification or because she may have schizophrenia. And sure, she and Selby may have a loving relationship, but understand that she took her away from her family and friends. Not to mention, since it’s said that Aileen acts like a bitch through the entire movie, it’s fair to say that her relationship with Selby is about as tempestuous as you might expect. Still, Selby is simply horrified by her killing 7 guys and basically works to get her put behind bars and for that I couldn’t blame her.
30. Cleopatra
From: Freaks
The Problem: You may think she’s a shallow gold digger at first when she lures dwarf Hans away from his girlfriend just for his fortune. Of course, this doesn’t help that she doesn’t even show any interest in him until she learns about Hans’ wealth. Still, she has no intention of trying to make herself at home among the circus freaks and during the wedding ceremony, she mocks them, throws wine in their faces, and drives them away. Not only that, but she also tries to isolate Hans from them. Also, her marriage to Hans didn’t stop her from sleeping with the strong man Hercules who she conspires with to gradually poison her new husband so they could make out with his cash. Let’s just say killing her would’ve spared her the fate of being a chicken lady, but that would’ve been far too kind, especially since the freaks are actually not so bad once you get to know them.

Bad Movie Husbands/Boyfriends

The movie Gone Girl has gotten a lot of press these days since it’s about a guy accused of killing his wife and the fact they didn’t really have the best relationship. Of course, this gave me the idea to write a post on some of the awful husbands and boyfriends in cinema history since there are a lot of them from the silent era to today. And if Ben Affleck’s character in that movie is as bad a husband to his wife as seen in the previews, then he’s in very good company. From assholes and complete jerks to domestic abusers, bastards, and bluebeards, bad male significant others have always been with us in cinema. The hard part about this post for me was basically coming up with a list of some of the worst and best known. Of course, there are plenty of honorable mentions like Maximilian “Maxim” de Winter from Rebecca, Claudio and Petruchio from Much Ado about Nothing and Taming of the Shrew, Noah from The Notebook, James Bond, a lot of boyfriends and husbands from romantic comedies and horror movies, plenty of superheroes, and others. Some I eliminated since they weren’t involved with their love interest to begin with while others I weeded out since they were nowhere as worse as the 30 I put up. Not to mention, there are those I left out since they were from films a lot of people wouldn’t know though I left some in since they were too horrible to leave out though I didn’t put in others simply because they’re not well remembered as bad spouses like Iago for instance. Thus, for your pleasure, here are some terrible husbands and boyfriends to make some of you ladies feel better about the guys you’re with. And fellas, just because your girlfriend may complain that you aren’t as handsome as Heathcliff or Edward Cullen, you might want to feel grateful that you are nothing like either of them since they’re complete bastards. Also, note that this isn’t a blog post bashing men since there are plenty of nice guys in film and real life. Besides, just because I’m writing a post dedicated to bad boyfriends and husbands doesn’t mean I’m insulting a whole gender because I’m not. In fact, I know a lot of great guys in my life and there are plenty of them I respect, admire, and love as well as call myself a feminist. I’m just listing movie men who don’t make good partners and why. Not to mention, I’ll have a similar one for bad wives and girlfriends soon.

1. Gregor Anton (a. k. a. Sergius Bauer)

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From: Gaslight
The Problem: Basically this guy is the main reason why this movie coins the term of emotional abuse it features. You know, gaslighting which is basically trying to control somebody by convincing them they’re crazy. Now Gregor marries Paula who’s been haunted by her aunt’s death years earlier. So what does Gregor suggest she do about it? Why, move into that very house her aunt died in of course. Paula relents yet she soon starts hearing noises, losing small objects, and seeing the gas lights in the house dim for no reason. When Gregor’s watch turns up in her pocketbook, he accuses her of stealing it. This leads Paula to question her own sanity while Gregor does everything he could to isolate her from other people save for the maids. It turns out that he only married Paula and planned to send her to the funny farm so he could steal her aunt’s costume jewels from the attic. Oh, and did I say he was the guy who knocked off her aunt in the first place? Also, Gregor Anton’s not his real name and he also has a wife and kids someplace in his home country somewhere in Central Europe.

2. Roy Neary

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From: Close Encounters with the Third Kind
The Problem: Sure he may not be an abuser or cheater but he’s a terrible husband to his long suffering wife Ronnie who just wants him to give her some appreciation for all that she does for him as well as take some fucking responsibility with his life. Their relationship is already in trouble in the beginning when you see him ignoring her while she’s trying to get his attention as she’s cleaning the house. And when he starts seeing the UFOs, it’s all downhill from there. Roy basically spends the rest of the movie being obsessed with finding the alien spaceship and Devil’s Tower that he ends up neglecting his responsibilities and his family. When he gets fired for not showing up to work, he lets Ronnie deal with it. Sure people may be happy that Roy gets to go on the spaceship but what he’s really doing is running away from his responsibilities and his family. Also, he destroyed his house by building an extra-large model of Devil’s Tower which ultimately drives Ronnie away.

3. Lewton McCanles

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From: Duel in the Sun
The Problem: You’d think just because he’s played by Gregory Peck, he’d be a nice guy. After all, he played Atticus Finch. Well, like Atticus, Lewton may be smoking hot with a nice voice. He also plays guitar and sings, teaches his horse tricks, and his bad boy vibe is a hit with the ladies. He’s especially accommodating to Pearl Chavez when she starts living on Spanish Bit after her dad’s execution for killing her mom. Yet, Lewt’s not only a manipulative bastard who forces his way into Pearl’s pants on occasional nights and reneges his promise to marry her. He’s also an intensely possessive and violent psycho who doesn’t want to see Pearl with anyone else and would do absolutely anything to see it that way. When he finds out Pearl set to marry another man, he goes completely apeshit. He picks a fight with Pearl’s fiancé just to shoot him dead, derails a train, and shoots his brother Jesse unarmed. Oh, and he has one of his ranch hands tip Pearl off which results in a desert shootout between the two that leads to their death in each other’s arms. Still, despite treating Pearl so unbelievably horribly in ways previously unseen in a 1946 film (I mean the guy fucking rapes her), she still keeps coming back to Lewt because she has no self-esteem. Still, as to whether he loved Pearl or not, you can debate about it until the cows come home. Yet, he obviously cares much more about himself than he does about Pearl, especially in regards to sexual consent.

4. Jack Torrance

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From: The Shining
The Problem: Let’s see, cabin fever induced crazy ax murdering aside, Jack is a terrible husband even before coming to the Overlook Hotel. He’s a selfish jerk who dragged his family to some isolated hotel in the dead of winter just so he could finish his novel (he doesn’t). He’s also an alcoholic with anger issues that he rips Danny’s arm out of its socket for messing up his test papers and makes his wife Wendy afraid of her own shadow. Still, Jack didn’t just drag his family to the hotel to finish his novel or spend quality time with them but to also isolate them from anyone else as what he tells his wife, “When you come in here and you hear me typing, or whether you DON’T hear me typing, or whatever the FUCK you hear me doing; when I’m in here, it means that I am working, THAT means don’t come in. Now, do you think you can handle that?” Oh, and when his family has had enough of being at some creepy lodging in the middle of nowhere during the winter, Jack does everything he could so they can’t escape and he proceeds to try killing them. Now if you were married to an ax murdering lunatic that goes, “Here’s Johnny!” you might want to file a restraining order.

5. Dixon “Dix” Steele

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From: In a Lonely Place
The Problem: While Dixon Steele may be a Hollywood screenwriter you’d mistake for a male porn star if you didn’t see this movie, this is the least of his issues. And despite being played by Humphrey Bogart, to be in a relationship with Dix is a very scary prospect. From the very beginning, we are well aware that Dix has an explosive temper and a history of violent behavior. We just don’t know how explosive until the very end. So when he takes home a hat check girl who’s found mysteriously murdered the next day, he’s the LAPD’s #1 suspect. Now when neighbor Laurel Gray hooks up with him, she’s absolutely sure that Dix is totally innocent. At first, things between them are fine but soon there’s trouble in paradise that make you doubt whether Dix was telling the truth. And if it isn’t Dix’s guaranteed to scare you “If I Did It” speech that does it, then it could probably the scene when Dix furiously travels too fast and sideswipes another car as well as brutally beats the driver unconscious before preparing to strike him with a large rock. Now such sight makes Laurel understandably terrified and distrustful of him that she can’t sleep without taking pills and only accepts his marriage proposal because she’s afraid of what he might do to her if she refused. Oh, and when he finds out her plans to take the next plane out of LA, he goes ballistic and tries to strangle her. Now I’m not going to give the ending away, but by this point even Laurel thinks that Dix may have killed somebody since he’s certainly viable suspect.

6. Carlo Rizzi

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From: The Godfather
The Problem: Now most of the male members of the Corleone family are pretty bad guys since well, they’re in the mafia so those implications go without saying. Also, while Sonny is a cheater and Michael is a controlling liar who kills his brother Fredo. However, if there was a Corleone family member who deserved a place on this list, it would be Connie’s husband Carlo Rizzi. Now their marriage begins with a storybook wedding all paid by Don Vito. Yet, you later find out that Carlo married Connie just to join the Corleone family business and doesn’t take Sonny shunning him from family meetings too well at all. So he takes his frustrations and rage out on Connie, has a bunch of affairs, and makes a deal with two other mafia families to help take Sonny out. Now this would understandably upset Connie who tries to confront him but Carlo beats her twice (and on one she was pregnant). Let’s just say, despite committing fratricide, Michael doesn’t lose sibling points for having Carlo strangled on his baby’s baptism.

7. Edward Cullen

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From: The Twilight Saga
The Problem: For one, he’s a blood sucking vampire with a personality of a cardboard box, yet that’s best thing you can say about him. Second, he’s 108 years old and attends high school. Sure he hasn’t aged a bit for 90 years but still, he sees absolutely nothing wrong with pursuing a relationship with a 17 year old girl. Third, Edward seems to show all the signs of an emotionally abusive boyfriend to Bella Swan and his withholding sex basically leads her to give up any ambition or dream she ever had and marry him. Control freak? I’ll say. Oh, and he stalks her, too a lot like watching her sleep and breaking into her home all because he loves her and wants to keep her safe. He also dictates who she could be friends with, encourages his family to spy on her and prevent her from disobeying his wishes. Major trust issues, anyone? And did I tell you he harbors the urge to eat her as well as repeatedly warn her against being with him? Still, let’s face it, despite his good looks, Edward is controlling, manipulative, and possessive asshole whom no girl should date. Also, the relationship between Edward and Bella which has electrified an entire fanbase of screaming teenage girls is fundamentally unhealthy in every way imaginable despite not including cheating, abuse, addiction, or rape. And it’s very disturbing that Edward seems to have a lot of fangirls who thinks he’s just so perfect. Still, if he ever breaks into my house, I’ll just grab my crucifix and sprinkle myself with garlic.

8. Earl Hunterson

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From: Waitress
The Problem: So this movie is about a woman named Jenna who works as a waitress who makes pies just to escape her horrible marriage. When Jenna finds out she’s pregnant she goes to great lengths to hide her pregnancy from her husband and stores some money in secret so she could escape from him. Of course, she has a good reason for it since Earl’s an abusive asshole who has no qualms taking Jenna’s money away from her because he thinks that a husband always has to be in charge of the money. In reality, he just wants to control her and keep her from leaving. Also, he flips out when he discovers her secret stash, destroys a table at her best friend’s wedding, and offers to buy a camcorder with money so they could make sex films. Oh, and he said that he’d let Jenna have the baby if she agrees to never love the kid more than him. What? And he slaps her across the face. Striking your pregnant wife, how nice! Luckily Jenna tells him to hit the bricks.

9. Monk
From: The Purple Rose of Cairo
The Problem: Like Jenna, Cecilia is a diner waitress yet she’s not pregnant and instead of baking pies, she goes to the movies. Now any money she earns from her work at the diner goes to her out of work husband Monk who should be looking for a job. However, he uses the money to gamble with his “friends” instead of paying the bills, drinks, and has an affair he blames on his wife. It’s also implied that he constantly beats her. Over the film’s course, Cecilia tries to leave Monk many times but he always reminds her that she’ll always come back to him because she has nowhere else to go. And you’d really want her to run off to Hollywood actor Jeff Daniels but he ditches her once the main plot is resolved. Thus, it leaves Cecilia having to watch movies every night and go back to that terrible husband of hers because she has no other choices in life. Still, you kind of wish fate would intervene with Monk coming to a bad end with having a bookie from the mafia kind.

10. Martin Burney

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From: Sleeping with the Enemy
The Problem: This may not be a good movie, but Martin is one bad husband. Basically the plot of the movie goes with his wife Laura faking her own death and planning on getting rid of him in the most intricate way for months since she knew he’d always terrorize her whether she divorced him or not. He’s abusive, possessive, and jealous even when a neighbor would just say hi. Not only that, but Laura faked drowning to death in a storm while she and her husband were sailing, took swimming lessons to overcome her fear of water, and faked her mom’s death by putting her in a nursing home with a different name well before then. Oh, and he basically decides to smother his mother-in-law with a pillow just because she called him a monster. Okay, Laura, now I see why you created such an intricate plan just to get rid of one man.

11. Jerome “Jerry” Lundergaard

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From: Fargo
The Problem: He hires two criminals he hasn’t met before to kidnap his wife Jean so he could mooch money off his father-in-law as ransom. This is a plan so insane that even the crooks just advise him to man up and ask Jean for the money, which would’ve solved everything. Still, this goes as horribly wrong as you’d expect so Jerry just lies to his father-in-law to control the situation just so he could get the money. He also tries to cancel the kidnapping when he thinks there may be a legit business deal that may work out. Yet, when he finds out he can’t stop it, he just goes along with it anyway which results in Jean and her dad getting killed as well as his teenage son being understandably crushed after his mom’s disappearance. And finally, despite being directly responsible for getting his wife and father-in-law killed over money, he shows absolutely no remorse for his actions and would do anything to cover it up, even lie to his son.

12. Johnnie Aysgarth

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From: Suspicion
The Problem: Now just because Johnnie is played by Cary Grant, doesn’t mean he’d make a great husband or boyfriend because he’s a complete turd. Sure he may be charming and shower Lina with lavish gifts despite her wealthy dad’s strong disapproval of him. Of course, her dad’s suspicions are very much on the money, especially after Lina and Johnnie return from a lavish honeymoon and settle into an extravagant house. It’s here that Lina discovers her new husband has no job, no income, habitually lives on borrowed money, and married her so he could sponge of her old man. And to make matters worse, Johnnie is a compulsive gambler who pawns off Lina’s heirloom chairs she received as a wedding present from her beloved father, is fired by her cousin for embezzlement, and is referred to as “a highly entertaining liar” from a friend. Still, he always tells Lina he would change his ways and take some responsibility in his life but he never does. Also, when Lina starts being distrustful of him, he gets defensive and tells her to stay out of his business. And when his friend Beaky is mysteriously found dead, Lina starts suspecting that Johnnie kill him and is planning on killing her for the life insurance. Of course, they stay together in the end since Johnnie tells her he’s not a murderer but you kind of wish that Lina just pack her bags and leave him just the same since he’s a gold digging liar and a crook who doesn’t want to take any responsibility with his life.

13. Caledon Nathan “Cal” Hockley

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From: Titanic (1997)
The Problem: Well, technically he and Rose weren’t really together in the intimate sense but he’s her fiancé so he counts. We know that Cal’s a horrible fit for Rose as well as arrogant and selfish. Not only that, but it’s worth noting that Rose didn’t want to marry this guy in the first place. Yet, she’s engaged to him because her mother wants some fast cash to stay in first class. Cal barely pays and attention to her and when he does, it just seems like he’s trying to control her. Oh, and he gets insanely jealous when he finds out about Rose hooking up with Jack Dawson, he just slaps her and goes ballistic. And he handcuffs Jack to the sinking ship and goes after them with a gun shooting whoever’s in his way, all because he didn’t get what he wanted. Still, you can understand why Rose threw herself overboard and screwed a bum.

14. Mister (Albert)

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From: The Color Purple
The Problem: Well, after spending a childhood of enduring the physical, sexual, and emotional abuse from the stepfather from hell, Celie is a human basket case conditioned to accept the life Mister has in store for her. This means basically enduring being battered, beaten, demeaned, and raped. And to make matters worse, he cuts her off from her sister Nettie who’s the only person who cares about her and has his mistress move into their home where he expects Celie to accommodate and wait on her hand and foot. Ironically, the mistress part may actually have been the most positive development in Celie’s life for a long time.

15. Ike Turner

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From: What’s Love Got to with It
The Problem: Now Ike Turner was a horrible husband in real life and his portrayal in this movie by Laurence Fishburne got him an Academy Award nomination. He’s basically an abusive selfish jerk who’s jealous of Tina’s career as well as constantly beats and berates her to the point that she doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going. He always reminds her that he made her (well, he did make her famous but that’s beside the point) and that she would be nothing without him. And when she leaves him, he tells her she can’t keep his name saying, “The name is mine. The name got my daddy’s blood on it. If she wanna go, she can go wherever she wanna go, but the name stays home!” Well, we’d probably applaud Tina for sticking up for herself against that terrible man.

16. Guy Woodhouse

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From: Rosemary’s Baby
The Problem: Sure he’s not abuser, cheater, or murderer. Yet, he forced his wife to be Satan’s handmaiden and father the Anti-Christ just so he could further his career. May be an narcissistic asshole yet he sees no problem with the Beast raping Rosemary in front of a crowd of elderly Satanic cultists watching. Now that would instantly put you on the list. Hope the whole “making your wife handmaiden of Satan thing” comes back to bite him and he meets a similar fate like Gregory Peck did in The Omen.

17. Flap Horton

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From: Terms of Endearment
The Problem: Now when Aurora Greenway warned Emma that marrying Flap Horton would be a big mistake of major proportions, she was right. And while Flap may not be one of the worst characters on this list, he’s a liar, serial adulterer, and uninvolved husband and father to his wife and three kids. He’s also a selfish jerk who cares about his own self-gratification and academic career more than his own family. Emma gives up her career for him, too. And to make matters worse Emma dies of cancer and he doesn’t seem to be there for her either or even sad about her death. Not to mention, he also didn’t think twice about handing his kids to their grandmother to raise in Houston. Kind of sad and depressing if you really think about it. Still, his children aren’t going to grow up remembering him fondly.

18. Jason “JD” Dean

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From: Heathers
The Problem: Sure he’s handsome and almost a dream come true at first since Veronica feels like she could connect with him, yet JD is actually not the kind of boy you’d want to take home to mama. Not because he wears a leather jacket mind you, but because he’s a manipulative creep and a raging psycho oddly obsessed with weapons and death (never a good sign). He loves to murder anyone who crosses his path and frame it as a suicide. Soon he’s dragging his girlfriend Veronica into his mad schemes when she tells him she hates her friends. He suggests knocking them off one by one, which sickens her. Also, threatens to blow up the school.

19. Chris Wilton

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From: Match Point
The Problem: For one, he’s a married ex-tennis pro and cheats on his gorgeous wife a lot, especially with an equally beautiful Nola Rice (who’s engaged to a student of his in the beginning). Sure he’s a handsome and charming tennis pro. But when Nola turns up pregnant, all Chris worries about the child’s existence being a liability to the affair he doesn’t want his wife Chloe to know. Desperate enough that he kills Nola and her neighbor, stages a burglary at that neighbor’s apartment to make it look like a drug crime, and lies his way out of it with the aid of attorneys.

20. Tony Wendice

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From: Dial M for Murder
The Problem: Now if ex-tennis pro Tony wanted to kill his wife Margot because she was cheating on him, he wouldn’t be on this list. However, he just uses her adultery as an excuse to have her murdered so he could get his hands on her vast sums of cash. He does this by blackmailing his old college buddy to kill her but Margot ends up killing him instead in self-defense. So to cover up that he did hire a crook to kill his wife, Tony just sets up to frame her for Swann’s murder which gets her convicted and sentenced to death. This when he and his wife are seemingly renewing their relationship. Sure he gets his comeuppance in the end, but still, if your husband frames you for murder after he tried to get you killed, it’s probably time for a divorce.

21. Joe Clay

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From: Days of Wine and Roses
The Problem: Now Joe Clay is actually one of the better guys on this list as well as one of the few her who actually takes responsibility with his life and changes his ways so he could at least be a better father for his daughter Debbie. However, he’s on this list as a bad male significant other for a reason and it’s for the fact he’s an alcoholic and introduced his girlfriend (later wife) Kristen Arnesen to booze. Of course, Joe’s drinking worsens and costs him his job and destroying his father-in-law’s greenhouse. Yet, Kristen also develops an addiction which leads to even more destructive behavior like causing a fire in their apartment which almost killed herself and their daughter. And soon she’s basically disappearing for a long time and picking up strangers in bars (akin to Jimmy McNulty). Now while Joe does eventually sober up and get his life back together, the fact he introduced Kristen to booze basically wrecked their relationship before it really began. Not only that, but it also indirectly wrecked Kristen’s life, which is why his father-in-law may never forgive him. Joe may still have a chance to be a better father to Debbie as well as good partner to the next woman he meets, but there’s no way he’ll ever make a good husband for Kristen because his relationship with her has sailed and it’s his fault.

22. Monte Beragon

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From: Mildred Pierce
The Problem: He’s a rich playboy living on who’s all too content to live off of Mildred’s hard earned money from the restaurant business she built. Still, while Monte may be handsome and charming with a nice house and a closet full of ladies’ clothes, he’s a piece of shit while his spending habits and laziness partially lead to Mildred’s downfall. And it doesn’t help that he still views her as common scum for being born at a lower station than himself as well as is well liked by Mildred’s spoiled sociopathic daughter Veda who’d she absolutely do anything for. Of course, Mildred only marries Monte so Veda could come back to her. Unfortunately, she discovers that Monte and Veda are having an affair and witnesses her daughter shoot her stepfather dead. Now given that Monte is much older than Veda who’s still practically a teenager, it’s probably a fate much deserved.

23. Mr. Edward Rochester

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From: Jane Eyre
The Problem: Now let’s see. For one, he’s Jane Eyre’s boss and she’s governess to his kid (like a nanny/schoolteacher). Second, he’s several years older than her as well as worms his way into Jane’s heart by trying to make her jealous when seemingly seeing a spoiled rich bitch. Third and most importantly, Jane doesn’t know that he’s married and keeps his wife in an attic until seconds before she’s about to marry Mr. Rochester at the altar. From someone else. Now if there is anything that would be a justified case of turning Bridezilla, it would be that but Jane seems to take it remarkably well. Apparently, despite that Mr. Rochester is manipulative and untrustworthy, Jane ends up going back to him after his house burns down and his wife is dead. But still, this story may take place in the 19th century but I still don’t think Jane should’ve went back to him since he’s a completely unsuitable man indeed.

24. Tom Buchanan

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From: The Great Gatsby
The Problem: Say what you want about Jay Gatsby, but he’s nowhere near as bad as Tom Buchanan who makes the rich bootlegger worth rooting for in this love triangle. Now if there’s one thing that Daisy probably regrets doing in life, it’s probably marrying this no good piece of shit but by the time the novel begins, she’s already had a kid with him and it’s too late to go back to Gatsby. Yet, seeing that she’s married to a lousy human specimen like Tom Buchanan, you kind of wish she should just take their daughter and high tail it. Tom is a self-absorbed, controlling, emotionally abusive, and racist prick who sees nothing wrong with cheating and neglecting his wife. In fact, he’s too busy fooling around that he didn’t even bother to show up for the birth of his own child. But if Daisy ever should cheat on him with Gatsby, well, he’s certainly going to be pissed. Also, was indirectly responsible for setting up Gatsby’s murder by leading George to believe he ran over Myrtle who’s also Tom’s mistress he’s seen physically abusing. Seems like a very nice guy. Not.

25. Count Vincenzo Torlato-Favrini
From: The Barefoot Contessa
The Problem: Now Count Vincenzo may seem like Maria Vargas’ Prince Charming when you first see him and you think she may live happily ever after. Yet in reality, he’s basically as bad as most of the male characters in this film save Humphrey Bogart. Sure he may bestow affection to Maria, beats up a guy in casino for her, as well as lives in a big fancy house. But he’s a manipulative bastard who doesn’t love her and only marries Maria so he could create a memorable end to his family line since there’s no way he and his sister will ever have children. Not to mention, he tells her that he had no idea she was a famous actress and didn’t watch her movies (this is certainly a lie because I think he knows everything about her). Maria is successfully duped. Now if Count Vincenzo truly loved Maria, he would’ve told her about his war injury and his inability to consummate their relationship before the wedding. Instead, he tells her after the lavish ceremony on their wedding night which leads to her crying on the bed. Still, Maria tries to make everything better by cheating on him to get herself pregnant and passing the unborn child as his kid. Unfortunately Count Vincenzo ends up killing her in a crime of passion. And this was probably exactly what he wanted.

26. Stanley Kowalski

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From: A Streetcar Named Desire
The Problem: Now Stanley is certainly the worst brother-in-law in literature or the movies has ever seen. And despite that he may be a sexy bad boy played by Marlon Brando, he’s a horrible human being. Sure he may have a right to know about Blanche since she’s his wife’s sister and house guest and has every right to dislike her. Yet, understand that he treats her with nothing but contempt from the beginning contrary to Stella’s wishes. Not only that, but he also has rage issues which he takes on a pregnant Stella after he loses in a poker game (making him the third guy on his list to strike his pregnant wife). Now she seems quite calm about it and is quick to forgive him as if Stanley’s physical abuse is just a normal part of their relationship. This establishes that Stanley is the one wearing the pants in the relationship which is not good. Also, to add insult to injury, he rapes Blanche on the night Stella goes into labor, which leads his sister-in-law to go nuts and be institutionalized.

27. Heathcliff

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From: Wuthering Heights
The Problem: Heathcliff may be one of literature’s most famous romantic leads and yes, he and Catherine Earnshaw may have a very passionate and all-consuming love that started when they were raised together as children. However, their love is clearly unhealthy and intensely destructive, which leads to the ruin of them and almost everyone around them. Also, there’s a possibility that they might have the same dad so you do the math. Sure he may have been bullied and abused since childhood but he’s a complete bastard and was never really a nice person to begin with. Now when Catherine Earnshaw rejects him and marries Edgar Linton, Heathcliff leaves the country for a few years as well as returns immensely wealthy and a great thirst for revenge against those who made his life miserable. Whether it’s buying Wuthering Heights from under Hindley’s nose and driving him further into a death by alcoholism in his 30s or marrying Edgar’s sister Isabelle just simply out of spite, Heathcliff’s love for Cathy won’t end even if he has to destroy everyone’s lives in retaliation for not getting the girl of his dreams. And if you’re Isabella, you may be boy crazy over him at your brother’s estate but once Heathcliff is yours, well, welcome to hell. I mean Isabella is practically miserable because Heathcliff basically ignores and abuses her. Not to mention, it’s could be fair to say despite being a romantic hero to generations of teenage girls, he could possibly be a sociopath who may taint and destroy everything he touches. Avoid men like him, please, for your own good.

28. Billy Loomis

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From: Scream
The Problem: Sure he may seem like a creep who you wants to get into Sidney Prescott’s pants at first. But if Billy’s biggest sin was being a horny teenage boy, then he wouldn’t be on this list since there are plenty of movie male significant others who are much worse. And Billy is in good company since he’s a psychopath and serial killer who murders all of Sidney’s friends (so it seems), knocks off her mother, the school principal, and others with his buddy, Stu. Oh, and he tries to kill her.

29. Othello

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From: Othello
The Problem: Let’s just say in the Shakespearean sense, while Othello certainly loves his wife Desdemona, he’s more likely to listen to “Honest Iago” about the women of Venice than her. Now Iago is a scheming and lying turd (his own wife doesn’t even trust him and one of the vilest Shakespearean villains to date but he’s not remembered much as a husband so he’s not on here) who wants to take his boss Othello down because he didn’t get promoted (or so he says but you can’t really believe him). He picks at Othello’s brain saying that Desdemona’s running off with him was proof of her lustful nature since she basically screwed all the guys in town before going to him and basically tries to convince him that Desdemona and Cassio were having an affair. This by planting Desde’s handkerchief at Cassio’s place. Now Othello is understandably upset that his lovely white wife could possibly be cheating on him but does he confront Desdemona and ask whether she actually sleep with Cassio or Iago was just bullshitting? Yes, he does and Emilia for good measure but he doesn’t believe either even though Cassio and Desdemona haven’t even had a chance in this whole play thus far. Still, this doesn’t stop Othello from ordering Cassio killed and smothering Desdemona in their bed. This is before he finds out his wife wasn’t cheating at all, renounces God, and kills himself. Now that’s a tragedy, folks.

30. Jake LaMotta

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From: Raging Bull
The Problem: Another real life example and one that earned Robert DeNiro the Oscar for Best Actor. It’s said that the real Jake LaMotta didn’t realize how much of a jerk he was to his ex-wives until he saw this movie. While he’s one of the few bad husbands to reform or at least realize he has a problem, he could easily make Stanley Kowalski and Ike Turner seem like Prince Charming in comparison. Sure he achieved success as a boxer, but he’s a man consumed with anger, paranoia, and shame. For one, he cheats on and later dumps his first wife with a 15 year old girl. Second, he’s very possessive of Vicki that his jealousy fits come out of nowhere and from the slightest provocations which result in violent physical abuse. I mean he regularly beats his wife because she suspects she may be interested in other men, including his brother. And it doesn’t help that he won’t have sex with her and is seen making out with several women in the club near the end. Still, while he did achieve success as a boxer, his impulsive violence drove away everyone he loved and the title just to bail himself out of prison.

Not so Great Love Stories in Literature

As a young woman, I am well aware of how many love stories tend to be seen as great until you think about them a bit. There are plenty of love stories like this in classic literature which are celebrated romances we wish we could model our lives around. Yet, when we think about them a bit, we realize that these stories pertain to rather unhealthy relationships as well as serve us as a guide of what not to do. Then again, many of these don’t end happily and sometimes it was the author’s intent to show that they are unhealthy but the fandom just doesn’t listen. So without further adieu here are some famous literary love stories that aren’t really as lovey-dovey as they’re cracked up to be. And no, I’m not going to include anything by Nicholas Sparks or Twilight because they don’t really seem to qualify as literature to me. Still, there are good literary romances with the main characters engaging in healthier relationships as exemplified by Jane Austen. I mean Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett may be flawed but at least they manage to grow up and live happily ever after.

1. Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

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What you remember: Let’s see boy meets girl despite the two being from feuding families and secretly marry. Later on, girl’s cousin kills boy’s friend and boy kills girl’s cousin, then skips town. Girl engages in dangerous plot to avoid an arranged marriage set up by her parents consisting of faking her own death, which leads boy to poison himself. Girl discovers this and stabs herself. Families reconcile, the End.

What you forget: Sure this is seen as one of the greatest love stories of all time. However, aside from Romeo killing Juliet’s cousin bit, you also don’t know that Romeo also kills the guy Juliet’s parents wanted her to marry while the latter was putting flowers at Juliet’s “tomb” (though to be fair, Paris was going to arrest him for breaking exile and into her tomb). Still, Paris isn’t really a bad guy even if his biggest crime in the whole play is simply not being Romeo. Oh, and shortly before he meets Juliet, Romeo was in love with at least one other girl who didn’t care for him. That being said Romeo isn’t the kind of guy you’d want your daughter to date, let alone marry. Not to mention, sure Juliet may be in love with Romeo but you can also argue that she’s taking up with Romeo to rebel against her parents (over an arranged marriage but still) and she’s supposed to be 13 for God’s sake. You can also argue that the whole romance between Romeo and Juliet may be the result of forbidden fruit or intensified infatuation. Not only that, but much of the action in this play takes place in the span of less than a week. Yes, they marry after a few days of meeting each other. Yet, this doesn’t stop people from thinking that this play is the way to have a relationship despite that this play could’ve been used for an episode of The Wire. I mean they did a musical adaptation with this involving street gangs. Also, they both die and perhaps the moral of this could point that it shows how love at first sight and star crossed lovers ideas don’t really work out in real life. Also, that getting into an irresponsible relationship can end very badly. Not to mention, don’t force your daughter into a relationship with a person she may not even like or at least while she’s 13 or she might get into this kind of shit and don’t engage into meaningless violent family feuds.

2. Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell

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What you remember: Other than it being the result of the “Lost Cause” school of history which is known for being rather racist, here’s the following. Southern belle holds on to an old infatuation for years to a guy who doesn’t see her as no more than a friend as well as marries his cousin. All the while when she comes under the affections of a much older, scandalous, and handsomer gentleman who’s willing to fight for a hopeless cause in her honor as well as wait a very long time to get together with her even if it means putting up with her marrying a brother-in-law o the guy she’s infatuated with and her sister’s fiancé. Their relationship is a disaster and disintegrates after the death of their daughter. Girl doesn’t realize that she loved this older man until very close to the end which is too late.

What you forget: Seriously, I do love this story, honestly. However, the relationship between Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler was based on Margaret Mitchell’s first marriage to Red Upshaw who was an abusive drunk and a bootlegger with a violent temper. If you want to know why Scarlett and Rhett’s marriage turns out as bad as it did, look no further than Margaret Mitchell’s own life. The scene where Rhett takes up Scarlett in an act of questionable consent was based on an incident that happened to Mitchell. Also, at the beginning, Scarlett is 16 while Rhett is 35, which is kind of creepy but not by 19th century standards (though it may show that Rhett prefers women he could control). Still, whether you like her or hate her, Scarlett O’Hara is one of the more realistic examples of a Southern Belle in literature, especially when it comes to Reconstruction, which forced many women of her status in unsuitable jobs and marriages. Not only that, but while Scarlett may be a scheming and manipulative bitch, she can be quite naïve and innocent about the really nasty stuff going on behind closed doors like Ashley Wilkes being in the KKK for instance (this from the book I kid you not). Still, Scarlett’s fatal flaw in the whole story is her emotional immaturity which had a lot to do with her being more or less trained not to care about people and merely becoming a pretty doll supposed to attract husbands as well as devoid of personal emotions and wishes. As a result, despite being very smart, her amazing intellect is permanently twisted and stunted. Also, she’s not really in love with Ashley but with what he represents such as the old South, Tara, and her teenage years and doesn’t seem to allow time to properly grieve for the end of an era and accept that it’s gone. And because she’s so wrapped up in a delusion, she’s basically incapable of having an adult relationship with the man she loves the most (Rhett) and becoming a mother to her children (she has 3 in the book). Also, you have to know that sure Rhett may be a kind of dashingly handsome man as well as loveable rogue, yet he pushes Scarlett down the stairs, possibly rapes her, co-owns a brothel, spoils Bonnie rotten which leads to her death, and is verbally abusive. Not to mention, for a guy from the South, Rhett seems to be completely oblivious that Scarlett’s love for Ashley is more out of emotional immaturity than anything. Yet, at least I have to give kudos that Gone with the Wind doesn’t pretend that Scarlett and Rhett are utterly emotionally selfish people and their relationship is basically dysfunctional. But you don’t really seem to care.

3. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

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What you remember: Orphaned boy named Heathcliff is brought to Wuthering Heights and becomes an inseparable friendship/romance with Catherine Earnshaw which ensues in an all-consuming passion. Yet, they are driven apart due to her brother making him a slave and her desires for social mobility which drive Heathcliff to leave Wuthering Heights in bitterness. When he returns, he finds Catherine married to an Edgar Linton, yet they still love each other despite all odds and her death leaves Heathcliff truly devastated.

What you forget: Let’s face it, Heathcliff is a complete asshole who only returns determined to crush entirely those who thwarted his one chance of happiness. This includes swindling control under the now alcoholic Hindley’s nose as well as seducing Edgar’s sister Isabella and later treating her in a cruel and abusive fashion once married and generally scheming to control everything belonging to both those guys. And Catherine’s death (from childbirth in the novel) does absolutely nothing to redeem him but only extends his vendetta to not only destroy his rivals but also their kids. Not only that, but though Heathcliff and Catherine’s relationship is passionate, it’s also unhealthy, twisted, and intensely destructive. It also leads to nothing but ruin to them and almost everyone around them. Not to mention, in the end it drives Catherine to insanity and perhaps destroys her identity and personality. Not only that but she marries nice guy Edgar Linton all because she finds Heathcliff “degrading” and that she wants to go to parties, be rich, or have pretty things. In short, she’s a gold digger who ends up with the right guy for all the wrong reasons. Still, the fact that Heathcliff is a possible sociopath who no girl would want to have (as exemplified with his marriage to Isabella, yeah), this doesn’t stop legions of teenage girls and women seeing him as a romantic hero. And the Sir Laurence Olivier portrayal as well as Stephanie Meyer’s trying to glorify the kind of relationship in Twilight Emily Bronte denounced in her book don’t help either. Seriously, a guy like Heathcliff deserves a restraining order or jail.

4. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

What you remember: Married aristocratic woman embarks on a passionate romance and later shacks up with a young officer she just met which leads to family dysfunction, slut shaming, sacrificing basically everything to be with each other, and suicide by train.

What you forget: Don’t get me wrong, Anna Karenina does contain a great love story but unfortunately, it’s not the one you remember. Still, despite Anna being seen as a good kind woman yet with an impulsive streak, I never really cared for her. In fact, I kind of found her pathetic, whiny, unstable, and annoying. Not only that, but despite her love for Vronsky, I don’t get the impression she wants to divorce her pious husband either mostly so she could see their son. Sure Anna’s a victim of double standards, social conventions, as well as spending her life being expected to have no emotions or wishes of her own. Still, Anna constantly fears losing Vronsky which leads to her being quickly disappointed in him as well as totally dependent on him for emotional support. This leads to her self-destruction. I think she should’ve just gone back to Karenin who certainly would’ve forgiven her and taken her back in a heartbeat. He may be an emotionless stiff but at least he tries to do the right thing as well as willing to raise a child by his wife who’s not even his, even if it’s all for self-preservation. Also, despite his faults, you can’t blame him for being deeply upset over his wife’s affair. Vronsky by contrast is a completely self-absorbed prick who flirts with and later rejects a young woman named Kitty who experiences an emotional breakdown. He’s also quite reckless and we’re not sure whether he truly loves her or not. Nevertheless, I think the great love story here is between Kitty and Levin. Sure Levin may prefer farming and hanging out with peasants to fancy balls but he’s a decent guy who really cares about Kitty and at least suffering an emotional breakdown over Vronsky’s rejection gives her time away from home to find herself. And though they go through hardship and a lot of transitions, they are nevertheless happy. Then again, the Tolstoys’ marriage was a lot like this.

5. Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux

The Phantom of the Opera and Christine in the movie

What you remember: A hideous man named Erik who’s a tortured soul, longing for compassion from another human being, is obsessed with his singing pupil Christine. Unfortunately, she’s engaged to a childhood sweetheart Raoul. So Erik basically proceeds to stalk her, kills at least two people, sabotages a chandelier, kidnaps Christine, blackmails her by threatening to kill her fiancé, and essentially forces a world-renowned opera house to put on his own self-insert fanfiction which he literally inserts himself into. Yet, he lets Christine go with Raoul to live happily ever after as soon as she kisses him.

What you forget: Mostly what I basically said in the plot thanks to the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical such as Erik being hideously ugly (and this role being played by total beefcakes and/or guys with great voices), the obsessively stalking, the killing at least two people, kidnapping Christine and blackmailing her by threatening to kill her fiancé, and the part about getting a world renown opera house to do his own self-insert fanfiction. Of course, the hideous part really isn’t that important as Erik thinks it is but even if you do feel bad for him having a terrible childhood, he’s a bastard nevertheless. Still, that doesn’t nearly get into him having a robotic torture device/death trap, saying that he owns Christine, and the fact that he gets more and more unstable as the story goes on. This guy is a psychotic, jealous, and possessive stalker toward Christine as well as a total control freak with emotional immaturity. Oh, and he also just wants Christine to be his wife so he could treat her like a living doll. Yeah, ladies, being with the Phantom wouldn’t be that great despite how much you tend to ship Christine with him in your fanfiction. You could see why she ended up with Raoul, who may not be that interesting but is a very nice guy who actually cares for her. Let’s face it, fangirls, Erik is in serious need of therapy here. Damn you, Andrew Lloyd Webber!

6. Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak

Dr Zhivago dinner

What you remember: Historic context aside, rich guy falls in love with a raped peasant girl he saw unconscious during a party in 1905. Later he becomes a doctor and marries a girl he grew up with while girl gets together with a Socialist best known as Strelnikov. Later after World War I and during the Russian Revolution, Yuri and Lara meet up with each other again at Yuriatin and have an affair. Yuri gets abducted and forced to serve as an army physician against his will yet he shacks up with Lara when he gets back and starts writing poetry as well as conceive a lovechild. Yet, their happiness doesn’t last when Victor Komarovsky tells the two that Lara’s husband deserts his post and she must leave. Yuri later returns to Moscow and dies of a heart attack after mistaking a woman for his beloved. Their illegitimate daughter is discovered in the end.

What you forget: Yuri and Lara are very messed up people who get together as their world is falling apart. If you read the novel, Yuri not only loses his mom at 11 years old but his alcoholic dad commits suicide by train, which is witnessed by a friend. Also, he first sees Lara (in the book) when he’s about 13 and they don’t see each other again until he’s 19 in 1911 when she shoots a guy and faints at a Christmas party he attends with his foster sister and future wife. Oh, and that Lara was raped by Victor Komarovsky (who drove Yuri’s dad to suicide). Still, while Yuri may not be to blame to abandon his family (due to being kidnapped and drafted), he doesn’t seem to do anything to pursue his family after they get deported or even worried about them. Still, Yuri dumps Tonya hard despite being his foster sister, best friend, lifelong companion and confidant, wife, and mother of his two kids. All because she’s not Lara. Oh, and in the book he has kids to three different women. Not to mention, Yuri chases a woman he was infatuated with since he was a teenager and we’re not sure what Lara feels about him. Not only that, but she’s definitely in love with her husband who’s left her behind to join the Bolsheviks and was sexually abused as a teenager. Let’s just say that shacking up because your spouse is away and won’t come back doesn’t provide a good foundation for a healthy relationship, especially during the Russian Revolution. And they’re going to have a musical on this in 2015 or having their image on a wedding cake.

7. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

What you remember: Jay Gatsby has a fling with Daisy Fay before being sent off to war and carries a torch for her for the rest of his life. Though he gets rich and holds lavish parties, he still wants to win her back even though she’s now Daisy Buchanan and has a kid. Still, he enlists the help of his neighbor (and her cousin) to set the two up at his house. The two seem to hit it off and when everything seems fine and dandy, she hits a woman with a car and Gatsby takes a manslaughter rap for it. He ends up getting killed by the woman’s husband and dies in his swimming pool.

What you forget: For one, while Gatsby is a self-made man, he’s a bootlegger and a crook who left his poor dirt farmer family behind and never came back, but at least he’s a great old sport compared to the racist, philandering, hypocritical, selfish, and abusive Tom Buchanan. Still, this book might as well be called She’s Just Not That Into You. Sure Daisy may love Gatsby but she just isn’t in love with him in love enough to dump Tom for him since it might mean financial insecurity, abandoning her daughter, and the fear of being abused and controlled by Gatsby the way Tom does to her. Yeah, you could see why she won’t leave her husband even if she’s not in love with him. Also, she’s kind of depressed and plays dumb as well as careless and shallow. And it’s her reckless driving that seal Gatsby’s impending doom. Not to mention, her childhood innocence is a major character flaw in that she can’t take responsibility for herself either to better her life or change the way her actions hurt others. Still, even if Gatsby had his way he would’ve never been happy with Daisy for he expected too much from her, wanting (and perhaps forcing) her to be the perfect memory he obsessed over. Nor does he know who the real Daisy truly is. Basically Gatsby’s fatal flaw was that he wanted what he could never have and he’s in total denial when Daisy picks Tom over him and it’s obvious she won’t come back to him. Alas, that poor son of a bitch.

8. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

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What you remember: Girl has hellish childhood growing up with an abusive aunt and a boarding school of horrors. Becomes governess to a rich guy’s kid and falls in love with her boss. Boss reciprocates and they get engaged yet their wedding is cancel because they guy is still married to a mad woman in the attic. She leaves him dates another guy and goes back to find that the house burned down and the rich guy’s wife is killed. They marry and live happily ever after.

What you forget: Jane Eyre should’ve never went back to Mr. Rochester. Seriously, he’s not only several years older than her and her boss, flirts with another well-off woman just to make her jealous, gaslights and sexually harasses her, is already married to another mentally unstable woman he keeps in an attic which Jane finds out about at the altar from someone else, and asks her to become his mistress afterwards which Jane refuses. Yet, that’s all right because Jane goes back to him after Mr. Rochester goes blind in a house fire and his wife is dead. Seriously, what the fuck? If I found out that my fiance kept a mentally unstable wife in the attic while I was just seconds away from saying “I do,” I’d just go bridezilla all over the place, dump the guy, leave the altar in a spectacular angry memorable fashion, and never look back as well as perhaps use the reception for some kind of homeless dinner if I’m paying for it. Let’s just say the Disney princesses are much better role models for relationships than Jane Eyre. I mean finding out on your wedding day that your fiance keeps a mentally unstable wife in the attic is worse than cheating. Then again, she probably married him for the money and that he needs someone to take care of him.

9. Lolita by Vladamir Nabokov

What you remember: Creepy guy falls in love with pre-teen, marries the girl’s mother, and has her killed. Guy takes stepdaughter to use for his own sexual purposes as well as travel around  until she reveals she’s having an affair with another guy. Creepy guy is devastated and goes to prison (or so as he says since it’s an unreliable narrator).

What you forget: Honestly, most of us are familiar that this book isn’t really a love story (except in Humbert Humbert’s own mind as an unreliable narrator) as it is more about pedophilia and sexual abuse, but I think it’s worth mentioning since there’s a group of people who think it is and it has disturbing implications. Yet, it’s because of Humbert Humbert’s unreliable narration that some fans of this book think that young Dolores Haze is a sassy, precocious teenager who wears a lot of vintage 1950s clothes and spends a lot of time eating lollipops, sunbathing, and crushing older men. The girl in the novel is actually an average teenage girl who ends up orphaned, raped, and kidnapped. She has more in common with what many victims would have on Dateline: To Catch a Predator than anything. Yet, this doesn’t stop it from being the inspiration for Lolicon and referring to Lolita as a sexual fetish for underage girls nor does it help that actual child molesters and pedophiles consist of a good chunk of the fan base for this book. Still, it’s because we have fans who sympathize with Humbert Humbert and think this story is a beautiful tragic love story, we have people who think this story glorifies pedophilia which wasn’t Nabokov’s intentions (he wrote it to condemn pedophilia). Rather he just though his readers would be smart enough to see through Humbert Humbert’s attempts at gaining sympathy and realize what a sick, despicable, and twisted bastard he is. He was wrong and probably should’ve written the novel in third person or perhaps through Dolores Haze’s point of view.

10. The Iliad by Homer

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What you remember: Trojan prince Paris says that Aphrodite is the most beautiful goddess during an argument at a wedding so he could have ultimate love, goes to Sparta to see King Menelaus in the guise of diplomatic mission, kidnaps his wife Helen, and starts a war that goes on for 10 years.

What you forget: Say what you want about Odysseus infidelities in The Odyssey, but they were with goddesses which he couldn’t turn down and at least he was trying to get home to his beloved wife he hadn’t seen in years. Sure people may say that The Odyssey doesn’t make a good love story but it does. You can’t say the same about The Illiad in which most adaptations of the Trojan War has the relationship between Paris and Helen portrayed as such. Still, whether Helen left Sparta willingly or not is ambiguous yet it’s no denying that she has a miserable time in Troy filled with loneliness, self-distaste, and regret as well as conflicted. The Trojans hate her by the end of the war and has more respect for Priam and Hector than she does for Paris. Oh, and when Paris dies, she’s sent to be with Deiphobus but this relationship doesn’t last due to the sack of Troy and all. Still, she’s probably much happier to return to Menelaus and Sparta by the end. Paris, on the other hand, is seen by other Trojans as a philandering, cowardly jerk who’s responsible for the war who everyone wants dead. Also, he may not have been nice to Helen either. Nevertheless, I’m not sure if you can say that Paris and Helen love each other at all. Still, there are better love stories in The Illiad than between Helen and Paris which doesn’t seem much. I mean you have the marriage between Hector and Andromache (a guy who’s fighting so his son could live and his wife won’t be sold into slavery) or perhaps the relationship of Achilles and Patrolcus (if you want to see it that way but you really can’t tell with these relationships in Greek mythology. Still, Achilles took Patrolcus’ death hard).

Movie Couples that Won’t Last

We’ve seen the kinds of movies in which love conquers all and that the leads involved will live happily ever after. However, we need to know is that it takes more than that to keep a relationship together and there are couples who you see in the movies that don’t seem to have much of a future together after the credits roll. There are some Hollywood movies that have realistic ideas about relationships and others that would make anyone ask questions wondering why these people just don’t split up already. Here is a list of couples who I believe won’t make it after the film is over. These include couples whose relationships have already ended by the movie’s conclusion or is destined to end when one of them dies. Rather these are couples who are together by the end but who won’t seem to have much of a future any time soon.

 

1. Johnnie Asgarth and Lina McLaidlaw

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From: Suspicion

Problem: Money issues and lack of trust

If there is any movie relationship I think would least likely last after the credits, I would put my money on this one despite being made in the 1940s. Despite being played by Cary Grant, Johnnie Asgarth is a selfish and irresponsible turd who probably wouldn’t have proposed to Lina if she didn’t grow up rich. And he wouldn’t have spent vast amounts of money on Lina As the relationship progresses, it’s very clear that Johnnie’s gambling, dishonesty, and selfishness become glaring liabilities that he eventually loses Lina’s trust to the point she considers leaving him only to decide staying due to her low self-esteem as well as her fear of remaining single for the rest of her life. The relationship eventually gets to the point that Lina starts suspecting that Johnnie is planning to kill her, which may make her seem a bit crazy at first. Yet, take into account that Johnnie’s tendency to lie is well-known even among his friends, Lina’s cousin firing him for embezzlement and she didn’t know for weeks, him selling his wife’s priceless antique chairs (which were family heirlooms and a wedding gift from her father) to pay off a gambling death without her knowledge and consent, his friend was found dead under mysterious circumstances after Johnnie convinced him to finance a hugely speculative land development scheme, and his disturbing enthusiasm for murder mysteries. Of course, we find out in the end that Johnnie intended to do no such thing but that doesn’t dismiss him from being a terrible husband and that he was secretly trying to borrow from his wife’s life insurance policy to repay someone doesn’t necessarily make things better either, assuming that Johnnie was telling the truth. Sure they may have made up by the end but their marital problems may never be resolved. Johnnie may have promised to face his responsibilities but he’s probably not going to stick to it and he would soon be back to his old irresponsible ways. The only future I see in this relationship is one of rampant distrust and financial ruin, both of which lead to the inevitable of divorce. And it’s only a matter of time when Lina realizes that she doesn’t have to put up with Johnnie’s crap and has the courage to leave him for good.

 

2. Benjamin Braddock and Elaine Robinson

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From: The Graduate

Problem: Mutual interest is more based on unavailability and desire to rebel against parents than actual love. Also, he banged her mom.

While Elaine Robinson would’ve made a mistake to quit college and marry a medical student (even at her mom’s wishes), being in a relationship with Benjamin Braddock is hardly a suitable alternative. I mean he’s a guy with no job, no ambitions, and no prospects as well as had a torrid affair with her mother, which would make any future family get togethers seem a bit unsettling. Also, keep in mind that they only went on one date after which Mrs. Robinson forbade them from seeing each other again. But Ben becomes increasingly obsessed with her that he ends up stalking her at Berkeley despite that she’s not really into him and is seeing another guy. Oh, and he wrecked her wedding but that is more forgivable since she probably didn’t want to marry the blonde guy in the first place and didn’t know much about him either. Yet, the fact she was willing to run off with Benjamin over it more or less seem like a desperate girl’s attempt to escape from her parents’ control (and I couldn’t blame her for this) than actual love. This isn’t a good basis for a relationship and even the end scene makes it clear that they may not actually love each other and perhaps would end up exactly like their parents. Then again, it’s possible that they’re finally starting to think about the implications of their actions.

 

3. Artie Green and Betty Schaefer

From: Sunset Boulevard

Problem: While he was away, she had a romantic entanglement with his best friend who later got killed over it.

Their relationship isn’t a main focus in this movie but you have to remember that Betty was engaged to another man by the time she took up with screenwriter Joe Gillis. Of course, Artie was away at the time but even before his departure, you sense that Joe and Betty have an attraction toward one another which will play a key role to the plot once they start working on a screenplay together and falling in love in the process. Now anyone familiar with this move knows that Joe Gillis has spent considerable time living with a rich older woman named Norma Desmond who’s to put it mildly emotionally unstable. Now Norma’s discovery of Gillis’ and Betty’s at least emotional tryst would eventually lead her shooting him dead. Despite that Joe’s murder isn’t her fault, Betty is going to feel some degree of responsibility for it possibly for the rest of her life. And this may be a source of emotional strain in her relationship with Artie since she’s probably not going to be willing to talk about it with him. Then again, with the publicity surrounding Gillis murder by a once famous movie star, Artie might find out anyway and may have some questions to ask Betty when he gets back that she may not even want to answer. And Betty should at least be lucky that we didn’t have shows like Dateline and Nancy Grace during the 1950s since she would’ve certainly be hounded by such sensationalistic press. Also, it seems very likely that Betty is willing to marry Artie just because he has much less baggage even if she may not be wildly in love with him.

 

4. Han Solo and Princess Leia

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From: Star Wars

Problem: Han’s looming unemployment and deteriorating self-worth. Also, the bit about Princess Leia’s sense of royal entitlement and their relationship revolving around the galactic rebellion.

So here’s the couple united by the cause of the galactic rebellion in which they overcame things like checkered pasts, socioeconomic differences, experimentation in incest, carbonite freezing, and a general distaste for one another. Sure Han and Leia are certainly entertaining to watch but their happiness after the victory party isn’t expected to last long. After all, Leia is certainly going to be busy with helping her brother restore the Force and reestablish the galactic senate. Han is obviously unemployed and really can’t go back to his smuggling days before the war since the legal equivalent is just a trucker which wouldn’t make him seem like a badass. And it doesn’t help that he owes money to every planet in the galaxy and always shoots first in a fight, which doesn’t make him good material for a diplomat. Not to mention, him and Leia didn’t meet before the war and practically every single activity and conversation they shared revolved around it. Not only that but they don’t really know each other outside of that context which is one reason why marriages rushed into wartime usually don’t last as evidence by divorce statistics rising after almost every single major war in recent times. It’s very likely that Han will grow passive aggressive and spiteful toward Leia’s royal sense of entitlement leading to possible 4 am fights, alcoholism, and murder suicide to follow. Then again, Han may decide to settle down as a house husband but I don’t really see that going down well.

 

5. Prince Eric and Ariel

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From: The Little Mermaid

Problem: Unrealistic compromise and that this relationship is based on terrible decision making and rushed escalation.

Sure a lot of little girls may have liked The Little Mermaid, but we have to face the facts that Ariel is a terrible role model as a Disney princess. Ariel basically gave up her life, voice, and lower body to be with a guy who she just met while Eric is conflicted between choosing her and another girl he just met (who turns out to be Ursula in disguise). Also give into account that Ariel is a teenage girl prone to making the same stupid impulsive decisions as any teenager would. I also don’t think Eric is too far off either since he basically decided to marry a girl he knew for less than a day (granted he was under Ursula’s spell at the time but still rushing to marry someone you knew for less than 24 hours is never a good thing). Still, even though Ariel and Eric marry as humans and seem happy in the end, their future doesn’t seem very good. For one, the two of them hardly knew each other and their attraction to each other seems rather shallow and based on physical attributes and Florence Nightingale syndrome. Second, soon Ariel will grow up to realize what she’s done and her relationship with Eric is doomed to end with her either feeling homesick or resentful and homesick or perhaps physically sick when she discovers that human sex isn’t the same as mermaid sex.

 

6. Spock and Uhura

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From: J. J. Abrams’ Star Trek

Problem: Emotional unavailability, different expectations, and needs.

I don’t know about you but I’m personally stumped why J. J. Abrams would decide to make Spock and Uhura a couple. If there was any woman in the Star Trek universe I’d match Spock with it would have to be Nurse Chapel since she had the hots for him during the original TV series (that or the girl Spock was supposed to marry back home). Sure there are certainly successful Vulcan-human pairings in the Star Trek universe and Spock is living proof of that since his parents were still together in the original series as far as we know (though we don’t see them “together in the movies”). And it’s possible that Vulcans and humans can be attracted and have a relationship with each other. Yet, let’s face it, Vulcans aren’t known for their emotional intimacy since they pride themselves suppressing any emotional displays in favor of cold, calculating logic. We know from J. J. Abrams’ Star Trek that Uhura has certain emotional needs, which Spock unsurprisingly tries to ignore. And it’s no surprise that emotional unavailability leads to disengagement from the relationship in which Uhura could only put up with Spock’s emotional distance for so long before walking out. And if they have a child, then it could expect a frustrated mother and a distant father, which doesn’t translate to a happy childhood. As for their sex life, I’m sure it’s not one of Spock’s favorite activities since he’s part of a species known to get horny every seven years. Yet, he’s probably not the one who’s initiating it. Then there’s Pon Farr, and you don’t want to see Spock during that time.

 

7. Pat Solitano Jr. and Tiffany Maxwell

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From: The Silver Linings Playbook

Problem: Mental illness, unemployment, and her sex addiction.

Sure Pat and Tiffany may love each other and life happily ever after, but remember that neither of them have been cured or even adequately treated. Also, note that if they are to have a life together, remember that they both were fired from their jobs for serious misbehavior whether it’s nearly beating up a co-worker for banging his (soon to be ex) wife or sleeping with everyone at the office after her husband’s untimely death. These aren’t ways you’d want to be remembered from work and they will both have a hard time getting a job, especially since Pat did time in a mental institution for eight months. Not only that, take note that Pat is a teacher by trade so he probably doesn’t have much chance of finding a job in the educational field again. Then there’s the fact that Tiffany asked Pat to have sex with her an hour after they first meet as well as her explaining, “I was a slut. There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that!” Hmm, I love this movie but I’m not sure if a union between a mentally ill man whose explosive outburst of assault toward a man having sex with his ex-wife and a clinical nymphomaniac is going to amount to anything good. I hope that Tiffany doesn’t like that dirty part about herself too much because one relapse can make this relationship become less than a romantic comedy and more of a Nancy Grace obsession. Still, at least they’re a couple who knows exactly what they’re getting into unlike some couples on the list.

 

8. T. R. Deviln and Alicia Huberman

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From: Notorious

Problem: Workplace romantic entanglements, alcoholism, emotional unavailability, and overall dickishness.

Look, I don’t know about you but I don’t think Devlin and Alicia’s relationship has much of a chance after the movie even if they are played by Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman. Sure they fall in love during the course of the film but what they really have is almost nothing more than a working relationship and despite his feelings, Devlin has no qualms about putting the job before anything else, even Alicia during an espionage mission that basically amounts to government-sponsored prostitution. Also, speaking about her, the only reason why Devlin ever tried to pursue her was because he was sent to recruit her for an espionage mission involving her father’s friend in Rio de Janeiro since her dad was convicted as a Nazi spy and she’s an admitted American patriot. Yet, Alicia is also an alcoholic with a reputation for promiscuity, and Devlin doesn’t let Alicia hear the end of it. Still, Devlin uses Alicia’s love for him and low self-esteem to help carry the mission and yet, has the propensity of acting like a total dick to her that you seem to have more sympathy for Alex Sebastian despite that he’s a Nazi, is storing uranium in his wine cellar, and eventually tries to kill Alicia towards the end. Then there’s the fact that Alicia was poisoned toward the end and the chance she may not make it to the hospital. If she does, the chances of them staying together don’t seem good since Devlin is still a spy as far as we know and Alicia will probably emerge from the situation perhaps even more messed up than she was before. And I don’t see Devlin as a supportive love interest when it comes to Alicia’s problems, because he certainly wasn’t during the job though maybe it was his way of acting “professional.”

 

9. Godfrey Parke and Irene Bullock

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From: My Man Godfrey

Problem: Immaturity, personality differences, different focuses, and that attraction seems rather one sided.

Sure Godfrey must’ve felt some romantic affection for Irene and was certainly grateful for all what she did for him, but I don’t really see him being as crazy about her as she is about him. Nor do I see them as perfectly suited for each other either since she just acts like an infatuated teenage girl who seems to have a spoiled rich girl entitlement complex while he is much more concerned about getting his life back together after losing everything through an ugly divorce and I doubt he wants to get into a new relationship anytime soon. Besides, Irene is just so immature and I think she kind of forced Godfrey into marrying her and she didn’t really seem concerned with his needs too much though she is really nice about it. I kind of imagine them eventually getting sick of each other with Godfrey getting annoyed at Irene’s crazy superficial antics and Irene basically getting bored with him as her infatuation dies down. Either they’d end up like Irene’s parents or headed for divorce court. Godfrey probably should’ve married the maid.

 

10. Hercules and Megara

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From: Hercules

Problem: Basically it’s doomed by canon.

Let’s face it. I know Hercules would go to the Underworld to save Megara in the Disney movie but the original myth doesn’t have a happy ending to these two. Rather their relationship ends with Hera (who’s not his mom) driving Hercules insane and killing Megara and their children. Either that or he just killed their children and Megara simply went back to her dad who had her married to someone else. Oh, and did you know that Megara’s said to be the daughter of the Theban King Creon who’s Oedipus’ uncle and brother-in-law? That would make her Oedipus’ cousin and niece by marriage. Still, whether out of guilt by this or not, Hercules would have to go on performing Twelve Labors after this. Nevertheless, if it’s Greek mythology, then the tragic end of Hercules’ relationship with Megara can’t be avoided. Hey, at least it won’t end as ugly as Jason and Medea’s, now these two make even the nastiest breakups seem pretty tame.

 

11. The Little Tramp and Most of His Love Interests

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From: Most of Charlie Chaplin’s films up to Modern Times

The Problem: Doomed by canon, homelessness, unemployment, possible criminal record, and others.

We may love Charlie Chaplin’s Little Tramp character who has won over so many hearts and fans during the 1920s. Too bad he doesn’t have much luck with women and we always know that practically every relationship he has (even if they’re still together at the credits) will end in some sort of breakup before the next Little Tramp film comes around, despite that he tends to do practically a lot for the girls he likes. Perhaps it has to do with that he’s a homeless man who probably drifts from one town to the next while his love interests want to settle down. Not to mention, the Tramp has a tendency to get arrested a lot since he’s, well, a hobo. So while he could be a sweet as can be, his relationships with women would all end in some sort of breakup before the next one comes around.

 

12. Lieutenant Jack Dunbar and Stands With a Fist

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From: Dances With Wolves

Problem: Mutual Stockholm Syndrome.

Hmm an army officer abandoned by his military at some faraway outpost and later forced into interacting with Native Americans hooks up with a white woman orphaned during an Indian raid on her family’s settlement and then forced into similar dependency on the tribe. They met as consenting captives of the Sioux and fell in love while exploring the their captors’ virtues together. Sure they may seem to be in a stable compatible relationship and don’t seem to have much problem at first. But what these two white people have is known to psychologists as Stockholm syndrome which pertains to the a captive’s misinterpretation of a lack of abuse as kindness as if they were abused dogs with new owners. According to the experts, a love predicated on a psychological disorder is doomed to fail, especially when the cause of the disorder is removed. At the end the couple leave the tribe and set off on their own on the open plains. The only way Dunbar and Stands With a Fist could keep the spark alive is that they act as perpetrator against the other. And you thought this was a happy love story.

 

13. Jason and Medea

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From: Jason and the Argonauts

Problem: Doomed by canon, unrealistic compromise, dickishness, and craziness.

Let’s just say while Medea may have helped Jason and his fellow Argonauts obtain the Golden Fleece, but once they land in Corinth, let’s just say it’s going to get ugly. Medea is a powerful and genius sorceress who ends up betraying her father and brother (who she’d later kill) for a guy she just met by the name of Jason. She supported Jason through their adventures, quests, and battles as well as suffered horribly for her love for him and bore him two boys. Jason was impressed by Medea’s devotion to him and swore to stay by her forever. And guess what Jason does for all that she’s done for him? Well, he dumps her for a princess since he has no more use for Medea. Medea retaliates by killing his new bride, father-in-law, and their two kids. Jason should’ve known what he was getting into and should have never royally piss her off in the first place.

 

14. John Bender and Claire Standish

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From: The Breakfast Club

Problem: Relationship based on his Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder and her desire to get back at daddy.

I haven’t seen this movie but this pairing seems far uglier than those “good girl and bad boy” couples. At least Han and Leia were adults who knew what they were getting into. Claire is just a naive girl who mistakes antisocial tendencies for awesome attractive qualities. Bender is simply an angry, bitter, and aggressive teenage boy with a rap sheet and history of self-destruction. Basically he’s a guy who’s future consists of a prison cell in his lifetime. He’s antisocial, offensive, and generally kind of a dick who torments Claire on a regular basis. Sure he may have had a traumatizing childhood filled with shitty Christmas gifts. Such a combination of helplessness and rage may draw a girl like Clair who may want to help and get back at daddy but she should just go towards the door. According to the experts, Bender will likely shut down around affection and intimacy, and when he’s incapable of expressing his feelings like a normal human being, lash out with violence. If she decides to stay with Bender, Claire has a possible future of unrequited love and excuses about running into a door.

 

15. Nick and Honey

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From: Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Problem: Marriage is more or less based on money and a  pregnancy scare than anything as well as emotional unavailability, alcoholism, and possible mental illness.

You would think that George and Martha would be the couple in this movie headed to divorce court because they are simply dysfunctional alcoholics who constantly fight and insult each other. Yet, later on you tend to realize that these two are utterly messed up people who thrive on drama and their torrid relationship is basically built on that and they can’t really live without each other either. With these Nick and Honey, there seems to be no foundation between them other than money and perhaps a pregnancy scare from what I figured. Neither seem to be in love with one another and don’t seem to have much of an emotional connection. There’s obviously something wrong with Honey other than alcoholism. And I wouldn’t be surprised if Nick just left her in a couple years for one of his prettier students.

 

16. George Wickham and Lydia Bennett

From: Pride and Prejudice

Problem: Basically these two married because they were living together unchaperoned for two weeks and that he as bribed by Mr. Darcy. Also, he’s overwhelmingly selfish while she’s just an immature brat.

Sure I know that divorce wasn’t easy to get in the early 1800s but let’s just say Lydia is bound for an unhappy life after marrying Wickham as a teenager and I wouldn’t be surprised if she goes back home to her parents after a few years, carries on an affair, or is forced to fend for herself. Still, she’s selfish, completely self-involved, materialistic, and cares absolutely nothing about those hurt because of her, the trouble she causes for her family, or the consequences of her stupid actions. In fact, she won’t even acknowledge that her actions were stupid or had any damaging effects. However, Lydia is a teenage girl who does stupid teenage things so there’s a chance she’ll regret what she’s done once she grows out of being such a brat. As for Wickham, well, he may seem an okay guy on the surface but once you get to know him, you realize that he’s a manipulative and selfish bastard who spends his time partying, whoring, and running huge gambling debts that he had to desert his militia regiment because he owes so much money to his soldiers. Oh, and he was hoping to marry a rich girl even after he deceived Lydia into thinking he was in love with her so she would elope with him. Not only that, but if it wasn’t for Mr. Darcy and his large disposable income, Wickham probably wouldn’t have married her in the first place. Still, you can make the case for Wickham being a sociopath and probably doesn’t love Lydia. Let’s just say that Jane Austen has them in a loveless marriage and leeching Lydia’s relatives but that doesn’t mean they’re living together.

 

17. Professor Henry Higgins and Eliza Doolittle

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From: My Fair Lady

Problem: Socioeconomics, large age difference, his misogyny, the fact George Bernard Shaw didn’t see them as a couple, and other reasons.

Sure Higgins may have grown to care for Eliza by the end of the movie but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s a misogynist who took advantage of her to win a bet. This isn’t something Eliza is going to easily forgive him for. I mean the guy has two songs about how he doesn’t like women. George Bernard Shaw always hated how his Pygmalion adaptations have Higgins and Doolittle pairing up and he thought that seeing Eliza with a middle aged misogynist as the worst thing he could’ve imagined. If it were up to him, she’d end up with Freddie who’s the creepy stalker but considering his play took place in 1912, there’s an obvious reason why that may not last. It’s very clear that any romance involving Eliza and Higgins would involve the latter wearing the pants in the relationship and it’s very likely that it would be rather similar to what they have when he was trying to teach her how to speak English without a Cockney accent. However, this time, Eliza wouldn’t have much desire to reinvent her life because she already has and would probably leave Higgins for some nicer guy her age. And no, she probably wouldn’t end up with Colonel Pickering because he’s older than Higgins and more like a father figure to her.

 

18. L. B. “Jeff” Jeffries and Lisa Carol Freamont

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From: Rear Window

Problem: Differing lifestyles, the fact the relationship doesn’t seem to be getting anywhere, and other issues.

This is a hard case since Jeff is clearly not the happiest camper in this movie since he’s recovering from a broken leg while confined to a wheelchair in his little apartment in 90 degree weather with no air conditioner, no TV or internet, and no handicap access. We shouldn’t be surprised that Jeff may come off like a jerk whose new hobby is watching his neighbors, especially a guy who might’ve killed his wife. Now I have respect Lisa for being there for Jeff at this difficult time in his life but he doesn’t really seem to appreciate her and has doubts on whether their relationship would last. Of course, it’s given that Jeff is a professional photographer who travels a lot and Lisa’s a socialite who probably has a much more luxurious lifestyle than what he’s used to given what his apartment looks like while she’s wearing designer clothes. Not only that but I’m sure that many of Jeff’s neighbors aren’t that well off either. Not to mention, Jeff seems to have bitter attitudes about marriage. I’m not sure that either is willing to compromise for the other. Let’s say I give them until his legs are better.

 

19. Don Birnam and Helen St. James

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From: The Lost Weekend

Problem: Alcoholism and co-dependency issues.

I have never believed in the notion that a good woman helping a guy turn his life around and while this movie seems to hint toward a happy ending, things aren’t so much cut and dried in reality. Don might’ve stopped drinking and decide to write his novel but he’s not necessarily out of the woods yet or whether he’ll stay sober for good (in the original book, he doesn’t). And if he does, it’s not going to be because of Helen. Still, we have to accept that they were together for three years and Helen knew Don was a drunk the whole time. Throughout the film, it’s very apparent that Helen is a co-dependent since she’s constantly babying him, always making excuses for him, and refuses to make demands for him. Furthermore, she foolishly thinks that she has the strength and determination to help Don stop drinking. By three years in, she should know that Don’s alcoholism isn’t her problem and she can’t fix it. But Helen doesn’t seem to acknowledge this at all. Still, I could see this relationship going in a variety of ways. Don may experience continual relapses that will either lead to his death or Helen possibly coming to her senses and dumping him. And if Don stays sober there’s a possibility he may come to see Helen as medicine and demand a fresh start in a new relationship with a more self-assured woman willing to make demands on him.

 

20. Edward and Vivian

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From: Pretty Woman

Problem: Let’s see, she’s a hooker and he’s a callous businessman, the possibilities are endless since screwing other people is not a solid foundation for a relationship.

I haven’t seen this film and I’m not sure if I ever want to since it kind of has unrealistic ideas about love and such, especially in the realm of wealthy businessmen dating hookers. But having a long term relationship with one? Please, I’m not sure if that’s going to work out. Of course, the notion that Edward may not be entirely comfortable with Vivian’s colored past as a prostitute, but it’s very clear in the movie he already knows about her work in the sex industry and that there are certain things about prostitutes you need to expect. After all, as a businessman, he probably has been with quite a few of them. However, while businessmen and prostitutes may screw over people for money this doesn’t mean they’re similar creatures who belong together. Rather, there’s a big difference between your body because you have to and ruining other people’s businesses because you want to. And while Vivian may give up her life as a prostitute, this doesn’t mean Edward would stop screwing other businesses and ruin other people’s lives, including some women who may become prostitutes because of him. I’m not sure that Vivian would feel comfortable pairing up with such a jerk.

Love and Relationships According to the Movies

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At twenty-three, I’ve never had a boyfriend for some reason or another. Of course, for someone like me living in the country, you don’t have many options and most people at my age have other priorities like school or career. Yet, I’ve had guys who were interested in me as well as had my own crushes but these were few and far between. But even in the best of circumstances, something usually goes wrong. Still, though I’ve never really been in a dating relationship in my life, I know enough about the subject to figure out that romance in the movies doesn’t necessarily hold to the real thing in very obvious ways. And in some cases what could be a gesture of true love in the movies can translate as disturbing behavior in real life or even get you arrested. So here is a comprehensive list:

1. Women always have to be pretty and young to get the guy while men don’t need to be either. (There are plenty of ugly and older women who do find husbands and have longer marriages than many Hollywood celebrities. Also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and looks only go skin deep. An attractive woman may have more options but her looks won’t necessarily guarantee that she’ll find true love or happiness or even make a good partner. Not to mention, most men usually marry women close to their own age anyway even in their thirties. So if a woman is still single and in her 30s, it doesn’t put her in a relationship dead zone. Still, almost every actress you see portrayed as a love interest is a young and attractive actress while the guy doesn’t need to be so.)

2. No woman is happy with a man who isn’t less successful than she is. (Though there are some women who do go after so-called “alpha males” most women would rather be with men who love and respect them for themselves as well as are nice people in general. Financially, most women are more concerned with a guy’s relationship to money than what he makes. More marriages have ended in divorce over poor money management than lack of income. Besides, these days most women aren’t really looking for a man who can financially provide or support them anyway. A financially trustworthy beta male will do just fine.)

3. A woman’s career success will hurt her relationship with her man. (Many guys may not be comfortable dating or being married to someone more successful than them, but most of them will try and learn to adjust. Sometimes a woman’s successful career can help her in relationship or perhaps save her marriage. Plenty of men are happily married to women more successful than they are. And there are plenty of famous examples of successful women having happy marriages like Margaret Thatcher, Margaret Mitchell, Annie Oakley, Nancy Pelosi, Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren, and the list goes on. So, ladies, despite what Hollywood says, career success won’t cost you your man, in most cases. And if it does, then he probably wasn’t good enough for you to begin with or you just got too caught up in it which could happen to men, too. Also, a lot of career women lose their men but not always because of it.)

4. A damsel in distress will fall in love with the first guy who rescues or tries to help her while he reciprocates her feelings. (If this was true 100% of the time I bet male rescue workers, cops, and medical personnel would have girls and women swarming at them. Though this might happen sometimes, for many people, saving others is their job and a lot of them usually already have a significant other or a family while others may not make good partners to begin with. Those who are rescued may also have a significant other as well. Still, no one should expect these people to fall in love with them or vice versa. Being saved from danger doesn’t lead to romance most of the time, especially if the rescuer is an obese cop with a wife and family.)

5. Hooking up under the influence is a good way to meet someone. (A drunken hookup with a stranger may be a good way to have an “accident,” yet it’s a terrible way to meet someone, especially if it’s the future co-parent of your child who may be the unexpected result of such encounter. For one, the stranger you sleep with may have issues with alcohol, which isn’t a good sign at all. Second, drunken hookups aren’t 100% consensual since anyone intoxicated is in no condition to give any consent. So having sex with someone who’s drunk is will less likely lead you true love and more likely to jail as a sex offender. Even more so if roofies are involved. Yet, in movies, drunken hookups seem to happen all the time and no one seems to feel violated and no one gets arrested. Drunk sex in real life just don’t work that way. So if you see someone who’s drunk, don’t have sex with them because it’s rape.)

6. Women like men with plenty of sexual experience while men prefer women with none. (Sexual experience is mostly irrelevant in relationships and while there are many who marry as virgins, there are plenty who don’t. So having pre-marital sex isn’t going to hurt anyone’s chances, as long as it’s in a monogamous relationship, even if it doesn’t lead to marriage. And there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin either, even if you’re a guy. However, having a sexual history like Casanova isn’t an attractive quality for either sex. Of course, we all know the kind of stigma against women having pre-marital sex and slut shaming so I don’t have to go into detail. Yet, women don’t really like players either, at least as husbands anyway and for good reason. After all, what woman wants to marry a man who may have a bunch undiagnosed STDs and a closet full of paternity suits? Nobody.)

7. No matter how much of a jerk he is, if he’s charming, handsome, likeable, and dresses nice, chances are he’ll end up with the leading lady by the end. (Of course, Cary Grant from His Girl Friday comes to my mind for no matter how much he tortures Ralph Bellamy to get Rosiland Russell back, you just can’t hate the man. And Cary Grant was such an awful person in that movie like trying to get his ex-wife’s fiance arrested with a hooker. Still, no guy can get away with all that in real life no matter how irresistible he is.)

8. No matter how crazy she is, if she’s pretty, fun-loving, rich, and/or sweet as can be, chances are she’ll end up with the leading man by the end. (In this, I’m talking about Katharine Hepburn in Bringing Up Baby who basically acts however she pleases like stealing other people’s cars, teeing off on other people’s golf balls, and shanghaiing Cary Grant to Connecticut with the help from a leopard named Baby. She also takes his clothes as well as make a further mess of things sometimes by accident and sometimes not. And all in a span of two days with one being a day he’s set to marry someone else. Nevertheless, she ends up with him in the end and they live happily ever after while the brontosaurus skeleton just falls apart {then again, brontosauruses never really existed}. Still, in real life, she’d probably get away with at least some of her antics anyway since she’s rich, but I don’t think most guys will pick a girl who puts them in a possible life-threatening situation. Girls who do that usually get restraining orders.)

9. Love means never having to say you’re sorry. (Most bullshit relationship advice ever. People who love each other always say they’re sorry when they’ve been wrong. It’s common courtesy, dammit!)

10. If you love someone, don’t give up the chase even if the object of your affections repeatedly rejects you and/or is seeing someone else. If you persist, chances are he or she will fall for you eventually. (This is only okay if you’re fully aware that the object of your affections is actually interested in you. In this case, your love interest is only rejecting you as a way of playing hard to get or other reasons so persistence isn’t going to hurt you, which he or she will encourage. And the person will let you know if he or she is into you {which won’t be hard to figure out}. However, this is the only scenario in where persistence  is okay since it’s giving what the other person wants, even if he or she’s going to reject you anyway. Yet, if you’re not sure the other person is interested beyond reasonable doubt, best not to persist, especially if he or she is seeing someone else. Yet, if you think you have a reasonable chance, it’s all right to ask again, but if he or she rejects twice without showing any apparent sign of interest, best leave it be. Everybody falls victim to mixed signals now and then. But if the other person has made it clear he or she isn’t interested and/or is with someone, don’t press it or try to do anything to get him or her to fall in love with you. In fact, repeated persistence in this situation won’t help your chances and may result in a restraining order or other law enforcement action. However, Hollywood keeps perpetuating this myth.)

11. It’s only natural for nice guys to feel entitled to date women they want, especially if they’re willing to be their friend and treat them with respect. And if their desired women reject them for someone else, it’s their fault. (Sure some nice guys may finish last in the dating world but a guy who feels entitled to any girl he wants just because he’s nice to her isn’t a nice guy. He’s just another kind of asshole and complete phony only pretending to be nice to get into a girl’s pants. Genuine nice guys aren’t like this. Sure they may be flawed but a genuine nice guy is a decent person who treats everyone with respect and doesn’t feel he needs a prize in basic decency. Also, a genuine nice guy respects women’s decisions even if they’re not in his favor or suit her best interest. And they don’t befriend women in order to date or sleep with them either. Real nice guys don’t care if they finish last.)

12. Women are drawn to bad boys, especially younger women and teenagers. (Of course, the Hollywood “bad boy” archetype who girls tend to be attracted to doesn’t win girls just by being bad and doesn’t really turn out that bad to begin with. For instance, James Dean’s characters in East of Eden and Rebel Without a Cause are troubled teenagers with serious issues at best but turn out as fundamentally decent people. So maybe it is true to some extent that girls like the bad boys, just as long as they’re attractive and aren’t total jerks. However, there are plenty of bad boys out there who aren’t attractive and aren’t so nice. And by “bad,” I mean like criminally inclined, not good as friends, maybe not too mentally stable, abusive/physically violent, might have trouble keeping a legal job, and will more likely interested in the physical {sexual} aspect of a relationship than anything else. And probably not concerned with fidelity either. So even if the bad boys get the girls, they’re more prone to divorce, prison, or a restraining order. So to say that women want bad boys is to be badly mistaken in some ways.)

13. The love of/for a good person can reform someone who’s bad. (Well, maybe loving another person can make someone terrible not seem so bad but it’s not going to him or her change right off the bat if at all. In most relationships, if they were bad people when you met them, they’ll be bad when you marry them. And most people who believe this have a good chance of getting divorced, filing for a restraining order, as well as other legal actions.)

14. It’s all right to sacrifice everything for the one you love (like your career, friends, values, and/or sense of identity.) If your beloved doesn’t like a certain thing about you whether it be in appearance or what not, change it. (Really? How many movies have I seen this in? Look, this has been done time and time again in both Grease and Vertigo and such notion is utterly full of crap. Sure love requires some sacrifice but you shouldn’t be willing to sacrifice everything you hold dear for another person’s love. No one is worth that. And if your partner is unsatisfied with a certain aspect of yourself {that isn’t a problem}, just tell him or her to accept it or leave it. Those who truly love you, will usually accept while those who leave it didn’t really love you in the first place. Love may entail sacrifice and growing up to some extent but you should also think for yourself, too. Don’t sacrifice or change everything.)

15. Stalking, withholding sex, kidnapping, forcing yourself, isolating your beloved from others, exhibiting high levels of jealousy and possessiveness, breaking and entering, exhibiting controlling behavior, threatening with violence, and other forms of abuse are acceptable relationship behaviors. (For God’s sake, some of these things will earn you a prison rap sheet or restraining order. Oh, why Hollywood, why do you portray such behavior as romantic? It’s not!)

16. It’s perfectly all right to marry someone you’ve known for less than a month. (Happens a lot in movies before the 1960s for two reasons. For one, the wretched Hays Code and a quick elopement is probably the most acceptable way to get the couple having a sexual relationship {unless if the plot revolves around having an out of wedlock baby which in this case, the bio dad will be killed, lost, reunited with family, or having to assume care over a kid he didn’t know he had}. Second, helps drive the plot faster since most movie couples rush to the altar quicker than couples in real life. However, a whirlwind romance is something that shouldn’t be advised even if he or she is The One and you two are perfectly compatible. No need to hurry, just wait for a few months or even a year to make sure you’d really want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Let me just say that an unmarried couple living for 5 years is less likely to get divorced than a couple who’ve gotten hitched after knowing each other for like an hour.)

17. Playing hard to get will surely land you the object of your affections. Being open and forward about your feelings may cause the other person to lose interest. (Maybe, but please don’t make it impossible and don’t go too far, don’t hurt the other person’s feelings, and don’t give the other person unnecessary crap. And if the other person knows you’re playing hard to get and doesn’t like it, you might want to stop and admit it flat out. And even if you do, the other person will probably not lose interest and may even be happy you did. Also, playing hard to get may have a tendency to backfire since it might cause the other person to pass you aside in frustration, be deeply hurt, assume you’re not into him or her and move on, decide persistence isn’t worth it since you’ll reject him or her every single time regardless of feelings, may be afraid to ask again in fear of rejection, or even lose interest in you. Honestly, you don’t want to go too far with it.)

18. When things don’t work out in a relationship, run to the nearest airport where your estranged partner will realize his or her mistake minutes before the plane takes off, jump into a taxi, and despite post 9/11 security provisions will make it to the gate to stop you from taking your flight and profess his or her undying love for you. (You’ll be gone by the time your true love makes it to the gate, especially with the post 9/11 TSA provisions. If you don’t want your estranged partner to leave you forever, call before he or she ever decides to board that plane.)

19. To begin a stable relationship with a person who is ready for commitment, interrupt his or her beautiful ceremony to another person and declare your love. Running away with them also helps. (Sorry, Benjamin Braddock, but ruining a wedding is the last thing you want to do, even if your beloved is marrying someone else. Besides, calling off a wedding is emotionally harrowing and those who experienced this may need time to sort out their feelings before embarking on a new relationship. This is especially true if one of the couple dies before the wedding. If you want to declare your love for someone who’s marrying someone else, declare your love for him or her before the wedding, preferably when the wedding is in the planning stages. If he or she’s planning to marry in a Catholic Church, you’ll have at least 3 to 6 months time when the banns are posted so don’t waste any time.)

20. Becoming accidentally pregnant by a relative stranger will result in you bonding and falling in love with the person who knocked you up and inevitably you will have the family of your dreams. (Jesus Christ, Judd Apatow! Look, ladies, just because the guy may be your kid’s biological father doesn’t mean you should marry him. And just because he fathered the kid doesn’t mean he should raise it with you. In fact, he may not be a good partner to you or a good father to your kid. It’s said unplanned pregnancies outside of marriage are probably the single biggest way not to guarantee a happy ending with that person. Besides, you or the other person may already be married anyway. Still, a great stepdad or no dad is better for your kid than a shitty biological one.)

21. Some hookers have hearts of gold and are very much relationship material. (I’m not so sure about that, Richard Gere. What I can say is that though there may be some hookers with hearts of gold and that it’s possible to find true love with a prostitute, doesn’t mean pursuing a relationship with one is a good idea. Of course, many prostitutes and johns use condoms but many of them do have their share in STDs. Is true love with a hooker worth getting something like Hepatitis A-C, genital herpes,  crabs, gonorrhea, chlamydia, HPV, syphilis, trichomoniasis, and AIDS? On a side note to parents, if your son ever thinks of being involved with a hooker, please get them the HPV vaccine or at  least talk to them about the possible risk. Still, anyone who’s been in a high school health class can tell you that pursuing a relationship with a prostitute is a bad idea.)

22. Good sex cures all relationship issues. (Good sex be important in a relationship but it’s not going to save it if you or your partner are unsuitable for such a relationship or downright abusive, especially if he or she’s anything like Stanley Kowalski.)

23. If you want your love back, do a grand romantic gesture like secretly filling her office with roses or standing in the rain with a boombox. That way the object of your affections will realize that he or she loves you, too. (This may seem romantic in movies, but in real life, this comes off as desperate and pathetic, if you’re lucky. If not, then actively deranged, idiotic, or obnoxious. This is especially a bad idea if he or she’s not attracted to you in the first place. In this case, you’re just wasting your money and don’t understand how relationships work in the real world. And if he or she doesn’t like you, chances are the object of your affections will be filing a restraining order or be calling the cops. If he or she does like you, then perhaps you should try something called talking or spending time with that person, especially if you make that grand romantic gesture. If you don’t make any effort to spend time with that person or communicate or try playing hard to get, you might risk breaking the other person’s heart.)

24. If you’re dating a terrible person, it’s okay to have a once in a lifetime romance in a random hookup with a stranger while on vacation. (Well, it’s not like Kate Winslet had any choice marrying a complete bastard but still, hooking up with Leonardo DiCaprio is probably not a good idea. Then again, at least she wasn’t like Paul Henreid doing the same with Bette Davis and he was married with two kids. Then there’s An Affair to Remember where you have Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr hooking up despite both of them being in a relationship with someone else who aren’t terrible or even make them unhappy. Still, even if you’re in a terrible relationship with someone, cheating on him or her while on vacation is perhaps the worst dating advice of all time. For one, it can lead to STDs, unplanned pregnancies, or paternity suits. Vacation adultery isn’t a good idea at all. Bad enough hooking up with a random stranger while single.)

25. Dressing up in drag might make you attractive to people within your own sex. (That is, if you’re in gay bar or pull off the disguise convincingly. Still, though I could believe Charles Durning’s attraction to Dustin Hoffman’s Dorothy in Tootsie, I can’t see how any straight man would hook up with Jack Lemmon  or Tony Curtis in Some Like It Hot. Really, they don’t look any more like women than John Cleese wearing a dress and wig.)

26. There’s nothing illogical with making the life altering decision to spend the rest of your life with a total stranger who doesn’t know exist. (Really, Meg Ryan? Flying across country to be with the one you love is one thing, but a life-altering decision nevertheless. Flying across country to meet a total stranger you hear on the radio who doesn’t even know you exist? Are you out of your fucking mind? Not only is it stupid, it’s also dangerous and basically makes you a stalker.)

27. Women are man crazy hellions with a ticking biological clock and urge to rush in a committed relationship with a man. (Some women don’t want to get married and/or have kids while others are lesbians. Also, no, real women don’t act like women in romantic comedies. Really? Hollywood, I may love romantic comedies {when well done anyway} but please don’t portray women like this. It’s sexist, honestly. We’re not all wedding or baby crazy bitches or obsessed with clothes or shopping.)

28. It’s not creepy to have feelings for a stepsibling or an adopted sibling. (Just because you’re not blood relatives doesn’t make it less creepy. Besides, I don’t know if the latter is legal.)

29. If your love interest is gay, you can always win them over and get them to switch teams. (Uh, no you can’t unless they’re bi. But, do you really want to go there?)

3o. When men get into a relationship, it’s usually to get into a woman’s pants. (Really? Sure some men may be perverts, but there are plenty of guys who actually want to have a relationship with women and like them as people. Not to mention, a lot of them have emotional needs to and many actually want to get married. Seriously, Hollywood, most guys don’t really want to remain single all their lives.)